I watched Joker tonight and typed out my thoughts as they occurred to me. Unedited; typos are guaranteed. I did this a few months ago and really enjoyed looking back at my thought process and I wanted to do it again so that I can look back and know that what I feel is real and true in my darkest times.
You're welcome to skip this; it's under a cut for ease of doing so. Warnings for occasional sexual comment lmao. Thereās no self shipping in this, I donāt think.
word count: 2, 575.
IāM SOBBING and Iāve only just pressed play.
Heart squeeze Chest much ow
THERE HE IS
āØāØāØāØāØāØāØāØāØāØāØ
Nooooo baby omg donāt pretend - let yourself hurt if it hurts. Donāt pretend.Ā
Carnival Carnival Carnivalllllllll ššššš
I am a Simp for one clown and his name is Carnival
Someone helpĀ him, I????
That sign hit Arthur as hard as my love for him did ksksksk
MY EYES BE LEAKINššššš
bb nooooo
Oh honey let me kiss those bruises and replace the marks of violence with love, hm? Youāre safe with me.
Breathe, my love. Donāt fight the laughter. Let it out, let yourself go.Ā
Screams into a pillow because????? much sad must kiss
āhave you been keeping up with your journal?ā LIKE HE HAS TIME
oHHHHH boiās close to losing his shit
Do it, Artie. GiveĀ āem hell.
āI think I didā YOU TELL HER!!ššš
I want to be his cigarette. Whereās Satan??? I got a new deal for my blackened soul which he took at half pricešššš
Iād have my hand between the door and his head so fuckin fast I swear
āI just donāt wanna feel so bad anymoreā yep SAME
ohhhh peekabooš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ
this makes me giggle ksksksk i watch this scene when i feel sad bc it always makes me happy for the time itās on
heās so good with kids; he doesnāt have to try and think about whatās funny, he just doesĀ it, heās himself and it works
FUCK OFF LADY CANāT YOU SEE HEāS STRUGGLING????
give
him
back
his
card
casually wrinkling my nose against tears lmao
ohhh the way he looks up at those stairs from the bottom
i can feelĀ his exhaustion
me too, my love
step step step step
god i wanna get him the fuck outta gotham
and into my arms and a soft, warm blanket
āeat. you need to eatā LITERALLY WHAT I TELL MYSELF EVERY DAY IN HIS VOICE BC OTHERWISE I JUST WOULDNT EAT???? Iām losing so much weight asdfghjk its not enough tho
SUPAH RATS
Did Arthur come up w that joke or was it actually a Murray joke????
HIS VOICE IS SO SOFTĀ IM CRY??š„ŗš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ
āI WAS PUT HERE TO SPREAD JOY AND LAUGHTERā
YOU DO BABY, YOU DO!!!! EVERY FUCKING DAY!!!!
go deepthroat a cactus randall - youre already a bit of a prick soššš
āTHE GUYS THINNK YOUāRE A FREAK BUT I LIKE YOUā
HOYT. YOU CAN GO SIT ON A CACTUS TOO
FUCK OFF
š”š”š”š”
āWHY WOULD ANYONE STEAL A SIGNā//āWHY DOES ANYONE DO ANYTIHNG?ā HOYT YOUāRE SO FUCKING ILLOGICAL HERE IM????? ERIKA DOES NOT (ALSO WILL NOT LMAO IM A STUBBORN BIITCH) COMPUTE
Can arthur fuck me like he pounds the trash/????š„µš„µš
those dark curls.... that crooked tooth... must kiss.š„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ
pennys casual cruelty makes me so fucking angry
foreshadowingggggg ~Ā *JAZZ HANDS*
ugh the way he dances with that gun imšš„µš„µš„µ
he enjoys the power of it and his breathing gets deeper asdfghjk
clumsy baby omggggg i just COOED š„ŗš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ
okay maybe im stupid but i genuinely dont understand thisĀ āsenior who needs to graduateā skit iām??? how is being an intro to western civ student funny im???? someone explain???
but also dont bc fuck that guy lmao arthurās hilarious
true millenial humour (and brit humour lmao weāre dark asf)
THE WAY ARTIE TWIRLS HIS FINGERS AROUND HIS HAIR AND DANCES IN HIS SEAT IM???š„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ
wanna curl up on his lap at night when hes writing and go to sleep with aĀ
blanket around our bodiesš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ
when arthur wears a shirt at home you KNOW itās a daydream
THAT CROOKED TOOTH IM WANT KISS.
WAIT IS IT CALLED STAND UP COMEDY BC YOU STAND UP... AND ITS COMEDY???
23 FUCKING YEARS, PEOPLE... TO REALISE THATš
WHEN CARNIVAL CAME ON SCREEN I NTHE HOSPITAL I MADE A PORNOGRAPHIC NOISE LMAO I LOVE HIM SO MUCH
IF YOURE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT, SHOOT MURRAY
WOOPS WRONG LYRICS
š
ādoctor of laughterāš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ
doctor i have a case of the Big Sad can you... do an exam? šš
NO BB DONT BEAT YOUR HEAD UP THERES PRECIOUS CARGO IN THERE
in what world does chucking cold greasy chips in a girls hair beingĀ āniceā???
lmao fuck these guys
ohhh honey breathe. dont fight it, my love, just breathe.
my heartās breaking for you, you sweet thingš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ
i love you so so so so so so so much ugh youāre an actual fucking angel
just breathe darling
i need to get you a cup of tea with honey in it, your throat must be so sore
ohhhh baby im so sorry
iād take every single punch if i could
iād die for you
i wish i could protect you
i wish i could look after you
and take all those hits
and kill those guys for you
im so sorry
sobbingggg
YES GOOD MAN THANK YOUUU
KILL THOSE ASSHOLES LMAO DESERVED IT
yeah i have a grey morality... im similar to deadpool in that way tbh
carnival cominā to kill your insecurities
8 bullets in a 6 chamber???? mm-hm
DONT FORGET YOUR BAG THATS EVIDENCE
AND THE WIG
RUN BABY RUNNNNNNN
GO GO GO GOOOOOOOOOOOO
RUN LIKE THE WIND BULLSEYE
THE SOUND OF HIS FEET SLAPPING THE PAVEMENT IMš
OOOOOH JOKERāS WAKINā UUUUUUP
fuck heās so hypnotic
the way he runs his hand down his lower stomach asdfghjš„µ
must kiss the inner tendons on his wrists and lick the blood off his faceĀ
must kiss
he moves like water
fuck hes so fluid
bathroom scene = the scene in which my heart and vagina clench at the same time
im WANT
T POSEEEEEEEE
āi still oweĀ you for that, dont i?ā
PUNCH OUT IS MY FAVOURITE THING EĀ VĀ EĀ R
D O N T S M I LE
UGH I FUCKING HATE being told to smile if i donāt fucking want to so BIG mood
PLEASE SHUSH ME THE WAY YOU JUST SHUSHED PENNY IM???
but also dont lmao bc iāll think youāre mad at me and iāll hide in the bedroom for the rest of the day lmao iām sensitiveāØāØāØ
i wanna sit on his lap and still his bouncing knees
āthats not funnyā
fuck off penny yes it is
I JUST CHOKEDĀ ON MY COFFEE IM???
ābut i doā god theĀ Ā P O W E R
ugh that fucking sexist piece of shit comedian can chokeĀ āwomen look at sex like buying a carā š¤¢š¤®š¤¢š¤¢š¤®
chauvinistic pigs can die thanks
his lil trip upstage im cryš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ
ohhh baby. just breathe, darling. itās okay to be scared. dont fight it. just breathe.Ā
he and i both cover our mouths when we laugh/smile in the exactĀ same way and it makes me feel closer to him
how can they think hes laughing at himself when hes literally gagging????
people only see what they wanna
the Penny imitation isššš
s m i l e
i remember when i came home from seeing this for the first time, i got home and dropped to my knees to cry in the bathroom. it was such an emotional release and so much loveĀ and i played smile to try to make myself smile but i only made myself cry harder lmaooooo ~Ā
smile and thats life are my go-to songs if i gotta cheer tf up
danger sign = neither works
he looks so soft after hisĀ ādateāš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ
āthats lifeā yeah but murray you dont even leave the studio so how do you know????
ngl arthurās anger scares me.
anyone so much as raise their voice at me and iāll cry really bad and i will shut myself away for the rest of the day and quiet anger terrifiesĀ me so his banging abt in the kitchen would freak me tf outš²
angry bbš
he controls his anger so fastĀ though omgggg ~Ā
that soft pleaseĀ sends me
idk where it sends me lmao
down below probably
BARE FACED CARNIVAL OMG THIS SCENE IS SO CUTE
I LOVE THE MATCHING COLOURS ON ARTHUR AND BRUCE TOO ???
okay but the implication that arthur always carries a clown nose on him isš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ
hes such a good clown im?????
lmao im enjoying the show more than bruce is skskskk
arthurās lil chuckle makes meš„ŗ
his HUMMING im??? soft?????
his brows are so strong and dark omggg ~ heās so beautiful
OKAY iāll be honest iāve seen this alfred/bruce scene and the thomas bathroom scene later on and the penny flashback scene a 100 times and i stillĀ dont fucking understand what did or didnt happen regarding arthurās parentage im????
Ā ive seen interpretations to say he is thomasā son and some to say he isnt and i still cant decide so? im stupid i guess š
āa clown thing?ā theĀ Ā s a s s
āitās exit onlyā yeah soās my assš
if i was there in the hospital room i woulda turned that tv off as soon as i realised what clip was gonna play
murrayās cruelty is d i s g u s t i n g
lmao hes an asshole
arthurs lil clap from joyyyyy ~ š„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ
did i say murray???
i meantĀ Ā m u r r a t
ššš
sneaky baby
wayne hall either has super bad security or arthurs v quick on his feet
š¤š¤š¤š¤
he looks so good in redĀ omggg ~Ā
f o r e s h a d o w i n g
arthurs smile when hes watching chaplin is how he smiles when we all gush to each other abt him and ourselves!!!
hes so cuuuuuuteš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗšššššš„°š„°š„°
ātold me whatāĀ
ohhhh honeyš„ŗš„ŗ im so sorry.Ā ācrazyā is a trigger word for arthur; it made him start laughing in the bathroom with thomas
ātouch my son again ill fucking kill youā yeah?? touch myĀ arthur again and iāll fucking kill youšššš
^^^ that ones a joke do notĀ come at me
the clerk in arkham was nice to arthur - he, gary and sophie are the good gothamites.
none of it was enough to stop his descent into joker, though, and iād even say it was too late right at the beginning of the film, too...Ā
his sock puppet thingyĀ āthey cut all thoseā is such a Joker thing to doooo ~Ā
the way arthurās laughing in the hall at arkham turns into sobbing is gut-wrenching omg the poor thingš
i wanna hug him and protect him and help him to process this in a healthy way
sweetheart, if i could take all of your pain and put it onto me... i so would. iād do it in a heartbeat.
i wanna get you into a hot shower, make you some food and sit and listenĀ to you. we can either sit in silence or you can talk to me, my love, and you will be heard and understood and loved.
āi had a bad dayā
ITāS OKAY I DIDNT NEED MY HEART ANYWAY OMG YOU POOR SWEET INNOCENT THING IM LOVE YOUš„ŗš
THAT ENTIRE LATE NIGHT SCENE LAUGH/SOBBING GOT ME -
šššššššššššššš
i just wanna hold you and protect you and helpĀ you and love you
Iām so fucking sorry, darling. i wish i could take it all away from you
āi havent been happy one minute of my entire fucking lifeā
NO ONE SHOULD LOOK THAT ANGELIC AFTER COMMITING MATRICIDE IM????
get
that
fucking
gun
away
from
your
face
boi dont test me ill fucking go feral or - no, tell you what, iāll point the gun at meĀ and see how you like it
im looking respectfully at the green speckled undies scene....ššš
ācomingā ššš
āmy mum died im celebratingā andĀ āi stopped taking my medicationā and you STILL stayed in the apartment with Arthur????? dudes those are šØšØšØ signs
woe betide anyone who underestimates arthur fleck lmaoooo
randalls death scene makes me laugh every time omg i feel so vindictive
get WRECKED
i wanna lick the blood off his face. i reallyĀ want to
ngl i think i have a blood kink...Ā
ādont look just goā ME WITH MY ACNE WHEN I SEE IT IN THE MIRROR šššš
JOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERĀ
ASDFGHJKL
J
O
K
E
R
ERIKA.EXE HAS STOPPED WORKING
JOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERJOKERRRRRR
ššššššššššššššššššššššššššššššššššššššššššš MY BABY MY MAN OMG THERE HE IS IM CRY???????šš„ŗšš„ŗšš„ŗ
my mind is literally blank rn im just staring and crying and smiling so hard my face hurts????? im love him so so so so much
sweet thingās so used to pain he gets HIT BY A CARĀ AND KEEPS GOING????
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU
hghhhhhhhhhhhhhh
euirrrrrrgkjbgkfbirsghigrbugr
*incoherent keyboardsmash to portray utter love*
ohhh baby no dont cry. oh honeyš i wanna sit on your lap and kiss your tears away
āi love dr sallyā
you have a WIFE at home
āDO YOU REMEMBER?ā THAT WAS YOUR CUE TO APOLOGISE LMAO GET FUCKED MURRAT
heās so CUTE
omgggg ~Ā
my hearts gonna give out its SQUEEZING SO HARD IT HURTS
YOU MOCK THEM, BABY!!! THEY GOT IT COMING
āi wanna get it rightā hes so passionate
my comments have deceased in number bc im just too starstruck and in love to even think clearly lmao
jokers all i know rn and this is the most peaceful ive felt in WEEKS
im sobbing
ugh fuck this hurts so BAD
youre speaking the truth, darling. im so so proud of you and i love you so much
āTHEY COULDNT CARRY A TUNE TO SAVE THEIR LIVESā LMAO INSIDE JOKESSS
literally sobbing right now ugh what the fuck youre in so much pain and in the middle of a breakdown and no one sawĀ you
ugh baby im so sorry, you deserve so much better
you tried so hard and you were gonna fall no matter what
IN THE WHITE ROOM
āhiā baby they cant hear you but im COOING š„ŗš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ
youāre so fucking cute
say the word and ill burn gotham to the fucking groundĀ for you
i wanna sit atop that car and cradle your head in my lap and wipe the blood off your face and help you stand up and be there for you and and andšššššš i love you so so so much.Ā
iād be so much worse off without you in my life. you brought a splash of colour which has neverĀ dimmed or faded. it never will.Ā
b l o o dĀ Ā s m i l e
=
im wearing my inside on the outside now and it still hurts
angelššššššššš
i see you and your pain. i love you.
i see you, angel.Ā
his genuine laughter isš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ
that cute lilĀ āksksksā he does imš„ŗš„ŗš„ŗ
i always laugh with him omg the two of us are laughing together ugh its the closest i will ever get to sharing in his joy
Ā t h a tĀ āsĀ Ā l i f e
i love the hallway daaaaaaaaaaaaaance ~Ā
them hips dont lieššš
i love you i love you i love you i love you omg the sunās like a halo ugh i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you im singing along to thats life while i type out how much i love you at 220am lmaooooo ~Ā
iĀ Ā l o v eĀ Ā y o u
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So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)
hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)
im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years
so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc thatās our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.
I HOPE YOUāRE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD āTRAUMAā A WHOLE LOT JFC
(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)
anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where youāre just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because thereās no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going āuhā¦ well, fuck, uhā and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i thinkā¦ ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of ārolesā that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.
* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be āalterā is DID, āheadmateā is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using āheadmateā because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time
i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.
whatever the original situation is, youāre suddenly not alone in your own brain. and itās REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very āclicheā thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. whichā¦ they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there wasā¦ actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easierā its sort of like background chatter really, when everybodyās awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someoneāll butt in.
when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going āno!!!ā. when on discord and around people who know who we areā¦ well.
speaking of Mae, sheās pretty much my sister. not likeā¦ biologically? because i donāt think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my āother halfā which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. thereās like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. weāre people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when youāre around a bunch of people who donāt know that youāre Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.
plus even if likeā¦ so Jorbās dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summerās pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo isā¦ kinda āall of the aboveā because thatās his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the āchaos siblingsā bit.
the basic system.. thingā¦ is that thereās āfrontā, which is being in control of the bodyļæ½ļæ½ so, like, iām currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.ā and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.
theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if heās awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the āirlā one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Icaās somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently āpingā them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like āwell, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactionsā, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.
switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize āwait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am iā. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sieād run up to me and let me know and weād swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates thatāre more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go āokay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre itā or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is ābeing in control of our shared physical formā. usually maeās the one that does that lmao
thereās a couple major categories of how alters come about. thereās āwalk-insā, where they kinda justā¦ appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of āhuh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.ā and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins arenāt like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookieās a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so thatās not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk
theres alsoā¦ uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them āconstructsā but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the ābackendā so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go ānope!ā at, whichā¦ stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.
the moreā¦ well-known, i guess? alter origin is ātrauma splitsā. rather than ājust showing up one day with no real connection to the system originsā, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alterās identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.
this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which isā¦ something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is āMae but from 2 years agoā, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uhā¦ then thereās me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. weāre STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (theyāre a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard āits like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite charactersā and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)
(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and itās still kind of surreal to me becauseā¦ me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)
despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more thanā¦ being a split. :V;; Tobyās not just a tiny splinter of Ica, heās a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isnāt totally sure how to interact with people. iāve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ācause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back isā¦ they kinda Didnāt change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variableā there can be ātemporaryā splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.
so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or mainā there wasnāt anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kindaā¦ stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kindaā¦ trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of āsystem main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a systemā: Leo himself! heās kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless itās someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally itās just āif system original is gone, another alter steps upā like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.
uhhh this is very rambley bc thereās a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.
so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despiteā¦ being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems werenāt a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Icaās panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us butā¦ for me itās pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood orā¦ etc.
soā¦ how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody thatās showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so weāre likeā¦ 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but weāre not in constant crisis anymore. weāre still working through all of our trauma, especially the more ārecentā stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but weāre doing it together. :D
soā¦ yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical ānightmare systemā, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but weāre overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to likeā¦ figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Icaās still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire ācringe cultureā phase so they came back to find that iād dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.
systems are fuckin weird
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