#the freedom in staying up late is worth the price i pay the following day

[expired-lemonade]

it was 10 pm then i blinked and it is currently 2:51 in the morning

[bloodybigshiplucille]

The Ghost of Her

Chapter 1: A Bridge I Can't Follow

The war against the Common Wealth is won but the price the people of Alexandria had to pay was immense. While Negan was fighting at the frontline, his wife Annie died giving birth to their little daughter. Despite their troubled past Maggie helps Negan dealing with his grief and taking care of his baby while some new feelings start rising within them...

I'm back with yet another Neggie fanfic (I know, controversial pairing, if you don't like it, don't read it but please stay respectful (: ) but don't worry I will obviously continue updating Shame To My Name as well! I really hope you'll enjoy it, feel free to leave likes and comments if you do :)

It’s over. The war with the Common Wealth is over, Pamela Milton got overthrown and that asshole Lance Hornsby ended up with an arrow right between his eyes. Daryl didn’t hesitate for a second when he got the chance to end that bastard’s life. Things seem to get back to normal. Alexandria is getting rebuilt and the Common Wealth is now under the leadership of Aaron, Gabriel and Carol. With the Common Wealth under their power life finally starts feeling worth living again. Houses can be rebuilt properly, with thick walls walkers can be kept outside and away more easily and most importantly people don’t have to worry about starving any longer. It seems perfect, however, while the war is over so seems Negan’s life to be, too. He fucked it up. He got a second chance in life and he once again fucked it up. While people are out in the streets celebrating and enjoying their new found freedom Negan sits on his bed in his new house in Alexandria and stares blankly at the wall across from him. Silent tears slip down his face every once in a while but other than that he’s completely paralyzed. Maybe he deserves it. After all the shit he’s done in his life, what he’s done to Hershel and Maggie and to the whole community of Alexandria, Negan isn’t surprised that karma finally bit him in the ass and he knows that he deserves it, he really does. But she didn’t. She didn’t deserve any of this. He should have never dragged her into his whirlwind of life, he should have never dragged her into any of this shit because now she’s dead. She’s dead and it’s his fault, she had to die on her own, probably shit scared while having to go through the worst pain of her life. And he wasn’t there. He wasn’t there to hold her. He wasn’t there to calm her and tell her that everything is going to be okay, he wasn’t there to hold her hand while she gave birth to their baby, his baby, in the darkness of a prison cell. 

While Alexandria served as a concentration camp for anybody who rebelled against the Common Wealth Annie got captured by Hornsby and his army. She went into labor while Negan was fighting with the Alexandrians against the Milton regime and when he returned home it was too late. Annie was gone after suffering through the birth of their daughter completely on her own. The Common Wealth soldiers didn’t bother helping their prisoner and basically watched her die during childbirth. Only one soldier though, his name was Oscar, showed the bare minimum of humanity. Before Annie was able to turn into an undead he went inside her cell and he redeemed her from her torments. He took Negan’s and Annie’s baby and hid her in his room until Negan returned. 

That was four days ago. He spent those four days exactly like this. Sitting on his bed, staring at the wall while the pain inside of him is eating him up alive. All the excruciating emotions he went through when Lucille died all those years ago are now resurfacing and are once again bursting the scar inside of his heart open. The hurt from losing Lucille is flooding through him mixing up with the sorrow, grief and self-hate from losing Annie as well. His still unnamed daughter is lying in a small crib next to him. He hasn’t dared to hold her yet, he can’t even look at her without the guilt inside of him overflowing him. He’s the reason she’s going to grow up without a mother, he wasn’t able to protect Annie. How should he be able to protect this baby? Negan is so immersed in his dolorous thoughts he doesn’t even notice the knock on his bedroom door. 

„Negan?“ Maggie calls out for him while opening the door slowly. She pokes her head inside of the older man’s bedroom and spots him in the exact same spot she left him this morning. She should hate him, she shouldn’t feel a thing for his fate, maybe she should even be gleeful that the murder of her husband has to suffer through the same pain as she did. But she doesn’t. Things have changed over the past months, the past year. Of course in the beginning Maggie was fantasizing all day about how to beat the shit out of Negan, choke him to death, maybe waterboard him and how to shoot him in the head from fifty different angles. Having to work alongside Negan was probably the biggest pain in her ass she could have ever imagined but weirdly enough the dynamics between them changed once they were actually forced to work as one. He helped her, he put the well-being of the group above his own and most importantly he saved Hershel’s life. Well, him and Annie. When Maggie found out about what happened to Annie it completely kicked the winds out of her. Annie was a good woman, she really was. She was loyal to her people, caring, smart and a damn good leader. Maggie was hoping for Annie to be leading beside her once the war against the Common Wealth was won but of course that day would never come. Maggie never trusts easily but she somehow had a gut feeling about Annie and trusted her right from the begging. Trusting Annie meant trusting Negan and surprisingly he never only once betrayed her trust in him.  

So now all Maggie feels is compassion and pity for a mourning husband and newly father who is completely overwhelmed. In the past few days Maggie took as much care of Negan and his daughter as she could. She felt like she owes Annie that. Maggie made sure that both of them got fed and every once in a while checked if Negan was still breathing. She held the baby close while her Dad couldn’t, she made sure that the little bundle of joy, who looks painfully like her mother, is feeling okay. Negan meanwhile hasn’t said a single word ever since Annie passed away. Even though his loudmouth annoyed the shit out of Maggie in the past she would give anything for a cheeky remark from him. Seeing him suffering in silence is tearing Maggie’s heart into two. 

Maggie doesn’t expect an answer from him so she just lets herself into the room and checks on the little girl in the crib first. Even though she’s only a couple of days old she’s already analyzing her surroundings. She’s looking at her father expectingly the whole time but immediately shift her gaze towards Maggie when she spots her in her field of vision. 

„Hi, little one,“ Maggie greets the girl with the gold-brown skin. She already has a mop of curly black hair that is growing more and more each day and beautiful warm brown eyes which she  has definitely inherited from her father. Maggie reaches out for the baby and holds her tightly against her chest. She feels the little girl’s heart beating against her own and she’s gently stroking over the girl’s back and her little head. She missed this feeling so much ever since Hershel passed the age of probably 10 months. It’s a miracle to her how Negan can even be in the same room with his daughter and not wanting to hold her every single second of the day but the trauma of losing his wife numbed him completely. 

„Do you have a name yet, pretty lady?“ Maggie playfully asks the little girl in her arms but also directing the question straight at Negan who continues staring holes into the wall. 

„Well, I hadn’t expected it either…,“ Maggie mumbles towards Negan’s daughter. After feeding, burping and playing with the little girl for a while Maggie lays her back into her crib and makes sure that she’s falling asleep. 

„I got you something to eat and some water, I know that you’re not very keen on food at the moment but please at least drink something,“ Maggie tells Negan hoping he listens to her but she once again doesn’t get any sort of reaction from him. Is this what his future, what their future, is going to look like from now on? Him and his daughter hidden in a room and barely co-existing until Negan finally dehydrates or starves to death and his little girl fully turning into an orphan? That idea alone makes Maggie see red. If Negan wants to throw his life away, fine! But Maggie is not letting him destroy his daughter’s life, too. Over her dead body. 

„Okay, Mister, listen,“ Maggie now fully addresses Negan. She grabs both his shoulders and makes him look her into her eyes. „If you were on your own right now, I wouldn’t give a flying fuck if you died in this room but your life isn’t about you anymore. You are a dad now whether you want it or not. You’re responsible for your little girl. I know better than anybody how fucking hard it is to be a single parent after your spouse died,“ Maggie’s words strike right through Negan’s heart and she knows it. She will apologize for it at another time but right now she just wants to coax any sort of reaction out of the seemingly lifeless man in front of her. „If you don’t want to fight for your own life, that’s fine but you need to fight for her!“ Negan’s vision once again starts blurring and the tears stream down his face freely. He can’t. He doesn’t know how. Never in his life has he ever felt so helpless as he does now. Of course he felt some sort of regret over killing Glenn at some point, however now he fully hates himself for it. He could never imagine the pain Maggie went through, the terror he put her through. But now he does and it’s killing him. 

„I…“ Negan starts whimpering quietly his voice being rusty from not talking for days. „I… don’t know how,“ tears are streaming down Negan’s face and he’s fully sobbing now. „I need help.“ 

For some reason Maggie didn’t expect Negan to have a full on meltdown in front of her. He always seemed so reserved and way too cool to show any sort of real emotion but that was his old self. The man in front of her today is a complete mess who she couldn’t be angry with if she tried. She gently starts stroking over his shoulders hoping to ease some of the tension from his muscles but his whole body starts shivering from his sobs so Maggie pulls him towards her. He nuzzles his face against her stomach wetting the fabric of her pullover with his hot tears. She holds him close and she swears she will hold him as long as he needs her. Without even having to consider it twice Maggie gently starts stroking through his hair, a move she learned over the years of countless sleepless nights when Hershel had nightmares. She can literally feel Glenn turning in his grave right in this moment, after all she’s caressing her husband’s killer, but if she’s totally honest with herself she hasn’t considered Negan that for a long time now. The man that killed her husband is gone, he’s dead to her. When she went into his cell all those years ago with the mission of killing him she found somebody different. She found a man who was consumed by regret and pain, who was aching for his long lost wife and a life after this shit show the world has become. 

Maggie loses all sense of time. She has no idea how long she’s been holding Negan in her arms but he thankfully calmed enough to control his tears a bit more. While the heart clenching sobs finally stopped only a few tears continue rolling over his red cheeks which Maggie wipes away every once in a while. 

„I’ll help you but you have to let me, okay?“ Maggie finally breaks the silence. This time Negan actually looks up at her with his wet eyes. He gives her a small nod. 

„Good,“ Maggie lets go of him which he reluctantly accepts though he’s already missing the comfort of her body heat. „I know being a widower is hard but that isn’t going to define you. Being a Dad is going to define you and that has to start now.“ Maggie once again walks over to the crib and lifts Negan’s daughter up. She cradles the sleepy baby in her arms and makes her way over to the bed where Negan is still sitting.

„Hold her,“ Maggie demands strictly. He’s looking at both Maggie and his baby like a deer in headlights. He hasn’t even touched his child, let alone held her. Maggie sits down next to him and grabs his right hand while she’s still holding the little girl in her other arm. She guides Negan’s hand towards his daughter which sends a bolt through his body. His heart starts racing like crazy, he might actually have a heart attack. What the heck is wrong with him? „Shhh, relax,“ Maggie grabs his hand tighter and gently places his big rough palm on his daughter’s head. „She won’t bite you, you know,“ Maggie smiles at him gently hoping to lighten the mood a little. 

„I’m scared of hurting her,“ Negan admits shyly but he’s already completely in trance with the little girl in front of him. She’s so soft underneath his touch, his little curls feel like silk underneath his fingers and the way her big brown eyes are starring at him quizzically is melting his heart into a big puddle of tenderness. 

„You won’t hurt her, c’mon, hold her properly,“ Maggie guides the little girl towards Negan and places her in his shaking arms. Maggie holds the baby’s head for support until Negan finally lets go of the majority of his fear and starts holding his child properly. 

„Hi,“ Negan whispers towards the child, his child, in his arms. The little girl seems glad to finally be in her father’s arm and gives him a big smile. Negan immediately starts tearing up again both from happiness but also pain that he gets to experience this miracle of life and Annie doesn’t. While Maggie is proud to finally see Negan with his daughter she also quickly has to blink a tear or two away, obviously taken aback by the emotional moment. She gently caresses the baby’s head and every now and then accidentally brushes over Negan’s fingers as well, however neither of them seem to mind or seem to have the urge to pull back. 

„Thank you,“ Negan looks up at Maggie and forms a proper smile for the first time since Annie’s death on his lips. 

„You don’t have to thank me for this,“ Maggie gently brushes a silent tear from Negan’s warm face without even thinking about her actions. She notices Negan’s face getting even more red (if that’s even possible) and he shyly looks down at his daughter again quickly. „I think it’s time for her to have a real name, don’t you think?“ Maggie quickly breaks the sudden awkward silence between them. 

„Her mother liked the name Jodie,“ Negan whispers melancholically. A pained expression strikes over his face while he clearly remembers the endless nights of him and Annie talking about names for the baby. He knew that he wanted his son to be called Joe, like his favorite Quarterback Joe Theismann, but he never really gave much thought into girls names. Annie insisted on naming their daughter Jodie, after her grandma and while Negan wasn’t overly fond of the name when Annie was still by his side he loves it now even more. 

„It’s a beautiful name,“ Maggie tells him truthfully. „Don’t you think so, Jodie?“

[taexual]

Disciplined / Wonho x Reader

The newest addition to Hoseok’s team proves himself to be reckless when he breaks Hoseok’s rule and starts a conversation with you only to discover that you weren’t going to be his damsel in distress.

pairing: mafia au! – lee hoseok x reader

warnings: some mentions of death, strong language, some sexual themes

words: 5.1k

ANON REQUEST: Monsta x Mafia AU! Where Wonho is at a business meeting and leaves his men at home to take care of his girlfriend, but a new(er) recruit hits on her?

He always said it wouldn’t take long and that he’d be back within an hour. That was never true – you were lucky if you’d see Hoseok again the same night after he’d left for a meeting – but you still believed him every time he said goodbye to you by the door. In your defense, Hoseok’s charming smile and the affection in his eyes would have made anyone fall for his words in a heartbeat.

“I’d really rather wait for you alone,” you whispered against his chest as he hugged you goodbye, seemingly unphased by the three men he’d brought into the house before leaving.

“They’re here to look after you,” Hoseok said, clutching you very firmly. He always seemed to squeeze you tighter right before he let you go, so you knew he was going to leave in the next few seconds. “They’ll make sure nothing happens to you while I’m out.”

“Nothing ever happens to me,” you insisted, fighting a useless battle. Changing his mind was about as likely as you getting killed while these men were in your house. “And I’m sure they’d rather be somewhere else anyway.”

“I don’t really care about that, to be honest, sweetheart,” he said, pulling away from you – just like you’d expected – and bringing his hand through your hair. “They work for me and I need them to be here tonight. That’s all.”

“You could really just give me a gun and teach me how to defend myself instead,” you mumbled.

Hoseok smiled and shook his head. You knew his reasons for his constant need to have you protected and you knew every explanation that made sense of his paranoia. He’d watched his father’s peers turn on him and kill his wife – Hoseok was already smart enough to know that leaving a person completely defenseless was bound to bring bad luck but he didn’t do anything to remind his father that his job constantly put his wife in danger – and, although he wasn’t particularly close to the woman, her death had still left a deep scar in his mind.

A scar that, evidently, was not deep enough, because Hoseok made the exact same mistake his father had made, only three years later. He had left his best friend’s house for five minutes to check up on what appeared to be the sound of gunshots coming from the outside, and then, upon returning back into the house, discovered nothing but a bloody room and a dead body of someone whom he once considered to be his own family.

So, yes, you knew Hoseok wasn’t purposefully keeping you locked up – he was only trying to keep you safe in any way he knew how – but you still did not agree with his methods. And how could you? You did not share his experiences. You’ve never watched two people die because of something that could have been avoided so easily. You’ve never blamed yourself for not being there to protect them and, if all attempts to save them failed, not taking the bullet, too.

“The day I see you with a gun,” Hoseok said, his hand on your cheek, “is the day I’m laying on my deathbed, yeah? Let me and my men do the dirty work. You focus on yourself.”

Although life with Hoseok had completely flipped your world upside down, there were a few things that he insisted stayed the same – your hobbies, your job, and your education.  You may have seen enough blood to last you a lifetime, but in spite of all of that, Hoseok still tried to keep your life as normal as possible. Not to mention, even though he belonged to the Mafia, Hoseok had a deep hatred for guns – the losses he’d experienced had contributed to that, of course – and refused to allow you to keep one, which, truth be told, made you feel a lot more normal. At least, you wouldn’t have to fire any weapons and your only crime would be falling in love with a notorious criminal.

Hoseok never understood your apprehension about his choice to have his men protect you. He knew you never got to know them simply because Hoseok had forbidden them to talk to you but he wasn’t trying to get you to bond with his Mafia members. He was looking after you – like he should have looked after all those people before – and this was the only way he could show you that he cared. However, as caring as he was, he also had a certain possessiveness in him that attracted you most of the time, but managed to piss you off just as much.

“You’re treating me like a baby,” you told him.

“Yes,” he replied, ignoring the complaining in your voice and pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead. “You’re my baby.”

You tried to groan – the look in his eyes making your heart flutter more than the pet name – and crossed your arms over your chest. “Just be home soon, okay? I’m done with my thesis, I literally have nothing else to do in this house now.”

“I’ll be back as soon as possible,” he promised. “Gotta keep my girl entertained, right?”

And with a quick wink your way, Hoseok was out of the door.

Sighing at his departure, you turned around with the intention of heading to your bedroom upstairs – you already knew better than to try to have a conversation with Henry and Jay who stood by the door; all of your previous attempts have been fruitless – but then you heard someone chuckle.

Stopping suddenly, you looked around. The sound was by no means unusual, but you were surprised to hear one of Hoseok’s men show an actual emotion while you were around.

“He really keeps you locked up in here, doesn’t he?” someone said and you turned your head towards the corner of the kitchen where one of Hoseok’s men had been standing.

You haven’t seen him before and, even though you weren’t exceptional at remembering everyone’s face, you could tell that he had to be one of the newer additions to Hoseok’s army.

“Not really,” you said, intrigued because not a single one of your guards had dared to talk to you before. “I could leave if I wanted to.”

“And we would, of course, have to go with you,” the guy replied, a smile not leaving his lips.

You squinted your eyes, unsure if you should approach him or just carry on with what you’d planned to do – which was nothing – because you knew the guy had strict orders not to talk to you and yet there he was, ignoring them. If you encouraged him, he could very much lose this job – and his life, too.

“Yes,” you ended up saying. Maybe you thought the risk was worth it; talking to someone was so much better than spending your night staring at the ceiling, after all. “But that doesn’t mean I can’t go wherever I want to go. I just happen to have a bunch of obnoxiously quiet men following me around. No offense.”

You’d addressed the two men by the door but they, of course, remained quiet. The only signs that they were alive and weren’t, in fact, some sort of advanced robots, were the warning looks they’d given the member of their team that had addressed you.

“And do you like that?” the guy pressed. He obviously had a lot of courage and you feared he was going to waste it all on this conversation that he wasn’t supposed to be having. “Do you seriously don’t mind this lack of freedom?”

Crossing your arms over your chest in a defensive manner, you leaned against the door, leading into the kitchen. You didn’t dare to enter the room and approach the guy just yet.

“I do mind it sometimes,” you replied honestly. “But I love Hoseok and that’s the price I have to pay if I want to be with him.”

“Is it worth it?”

You didn’t even hesitate. “Yes.”

“Hmm,” the guy smirked. “Sounds like he’s got you whipped.”

You didn’t like the way he made it sound. The way he spoke about your relationship was as if Hoseok owned you and did whatever he wanted with you. As if you never had any right to say anything. And while you knew your life choices were somewhat limited, Hoseok had never made you feel chained. He’s never stripped you off of your ability to make decisions for yourself unless he knew better.

And, actually, there were many things that Hoseok knew better, one of which being the ability to recognize when he was stepping over the line. He backtracked if he realized he was starting to control you in a way that suffocated you. He apologized if he said something demeaning. And he always made sure you were comfortable with the decisions he’s had to make on behalf of you.

Although you’ve tried to fight him every night, not wanting to have his men babysit you, you’ve also allowed Hoseok to convince you that this was the right decision. You knew how much your agreement meant to him. Had you said no and really pressed on the issue, Hoseok would find a different solution – he’d remove his men from your house, but then take you with him to the meeting instead, or do something else that still allowed him to keep an eye on you – but he would never physically lock you up inside of the house against your will. That just wasn’t him.

“I may be whipped for him,” you started to say, “but it’s certainly not because I listen to what he tells me. Contrary to what you might think, I’m actually capable of recognizing real danger. I know what could happen if I was left here alone.”

“Yeah, but what are the chances of something happening?” the guy continued. “I mean, no offense, you’re really beautiful, but stalking people takes time, you know what I mean? I’m sure there’s no one lurking outside of your windows at night, waiting to kill you. And if there is, then Hoseok would know, wouldn’t he? He has a gift of… ah, extraordinary intuition.”

“That’s a nice way to call him paranoid,” you said, watching the guy chuckle. “You really don’t know much about Hoseok’s life, do you? You’re new, right?”

“I am, yeah,” he replied. “I just joined late last year. I’m a quiet guy under normal circumstances – I guess that’s why Hoseok trusted me enough to bring me into his house – but I couldn’t help but say something to you. See, I’ve never really seen the partners of the guys from the Mafia before. I’ve never seen the way they interact with their loved-ones.”

“Well, get used to seeing that, then,” you said. “Since you’re a member now, too.”

“Right,” he nodded. “I don’t think I’m the kind of member that those other guys are.”

You glanced over your shoulder at Henry and Jay, positioned in the hallway, still standing there as stoic as ever. Their serious, unmoving facial expressions could have given the Terracotta warriors the shivers. Actually, you would have thought they had turned into stone as well but you could still notice glimpses of concern on their faces whenever you replied to something their member had said.

“Yes, I don’t think you are, either,” you said, turning back to face the guy in front of you. “We shouldn’t be having a conversation.”

“And yet we are,” he said, smiling as though the consequences of tonight did not matter to him in the slightest.

You frowned. “What’s your name?”

“They call me Yuto here.”

“Okay. Do you have a death wish, Yuto?”

He laughed. “No, not at the moment. Why? Are you saying the penalty for talking to the girlfriends of the men from the Mafia is death?”

“Actually, I don’t know,” you said. “No one was ever brave enough to address one before.”

You’d entered the kitchen – you couldn’t help it, something about this brave stranger interested you despite his obviously negative attitude towards your relationship – and approached the jug of water on the counter next to where Yuto was standing.

He smiled as he watched you pour yourself a glass but did not say anything, waiting for you to continue the conversation instead. You knew you shouldn’t have – you could just imagine how much danger you were putting him in just by being in the same room as him when he was given instructions to pretend as though you didn’t exist unless you were dying – but you still did.

“Do you think it’s possible,” you started to say in between sips, “that Hoseok put you here as a challenge?”

“A challenge?” Yuto asked. “No. Why do you say that?”

You put the empty glass back down on the counter and sat down on the bar stool by the kitchen island, opposite to where he was standing.

“Well, you’re a new recruit,” you said. “These men in the hallway? They’ve been with me since Hoseok and I started to date three years ago. There were a few other guys but I never found out what happened to them – both of them were Hoseok’s long-time friends, too. And now there you are, a brand new addition to his team. The reason why Hoseok brought you into his house can’t be because you’re quiet.”

“No?” Yuto was smiling even wider now. He hadn’t expected you to be so witty and smart but, needless to say, he did not regret starting a conversation with you at all. “So, you’re saying Hoseok is testing me by bringing me around you?”

You shrugged your shoulders. “Why not?”

“Well, what’s the test? Is he going to fake an attack on you to see what I’d do?”

“No, I think it’s simpler than that,” you said. “Maybe he just wanted to see if you’d follow his orders. Obviously, you don’t.”

His glittering eyes let you know that instead of being scared – like any sane human would have been – Yuto was actually excited. For a moment, you weren’t sure if it was Hoseok challenging him, or if it was the other way around.

“That’s right,” Yuto said. “I have a hard time sticking to the rules. Maybe that’s why I joined the Mafia.”

“There’s got to be some sort of order even among criminals,” you pointed out.

“Has there, really?” he questioned and then leaned back when you raised your eyebrows at his question, “you could say I’m a bit of an anarchist.”

“Huh,” you shuffled on the stool, throwing one of your legs over the other one in search of a more comfortable position – and not failing to notice the way his eyes followed your every move. “So, you’re here to show Hoseok he can’t control you, then?”

“I’m not showing Hoseok anything,” Yuto replied, his confidence captivating your attention. “All that I do is a favor to him. He doesn’t own me. I don’t work for him.”

This surprised you. “No?”

“No,” Yuto confirmed. “I work with him.”

You weren’t exactly sure how to respond to that because you had a feeling Hoseok wouldn’t approve of this attitude. There was a strict hierarchy in his team and Hoseok was on top. No one’s ever challenged his authority before – not openly, at least – and if they had, well, then there had to be a reason why you’ve never heard of them.

“Perhaps you should keep quiet about it,” you suggested, starting to feel uncomfortable. Although you could agree with Yuto’s point of view, you didn’t think now was the right time to challenge the system that had existed in the Mafia for decades. “Or better yet, find a different occupation. You’re young. You don’t have to be in the Mafia.”

If you had to choose one reason to explain how the Mafia managed to achieve so much – Hoseok had ties everywhere, it was impossible for anyone in an important government position to do anything without him finding out – then you’d say it was because of the authority of a leading figure. There would never be a successful underground criminal syndicate if someone didn’t lead it.

Chaos was easy to kill – the police would catch one member and he’d spill the truth about the rest in an instant – while order was not.

“You’re young, too,” Yuto countered. “You don’t have to spend the rest of your life hiding in Hoseok’s shadow because he’s afraid to show you to the world. You don’t have to live in a cage like you’re his own personal little bird.”

“That’s not at all what life with Hoseok is like,” you replied, feeling the way your muscles tensed up after his words. “I already told you, I could leave if I wanted to.”

“Could you, really?” he scrunched his nose in doubt. “How many ex-girlfriends of the Mafia members do you know? Frankly, I don’t think that category exists. Not in this world, at least.”

You squinted your eyes at him.

“So, let me see,” you said. “You’re saying I don’t have to live with Hoseok because he’s keeping me locked up. But you’re also saying I’ll die if I leave this so-called cage. Sounds to me like you’re painting my life in very pathetic colors.”

“Not at all.”

“Really? Then the only to outcomes of my life, according to you, aren’t to either submit to Hoseok completely, or to die?”

“No,” he said.

“What else is there?” you questioned.

“You could run away.”

“Run a—wow,” you laughed at the absurdity. “I thought you were brave but now I just think you’re not smart enough to realize what you’ve gotten yourself into here. Even if I didn’t love Hoseok with all of my heart, do you really consider me stupid enough to try to run away from him?”

“Maybe you couldn’t do it on your own,” Yuto said, shrugging his shoulders, “but if you had the right people helping you—”

“Whoa, alright, let’s stop this conversation right here,” you said, standing up from the stool. “I don’t want to hear you say that you’re the Knight in Shining Armor that’s come to get me out of a castle guarded by a dragon, yeah? Because, like I’ve already told you, at least, three times, I’m in love with Hoseok. I don’t want to leave and if I did want to, I certainly wouldn’t need an action movie worthy plan to escape.”

Yuto looked like he heard you – a smile was his response to your words – but he was not convinced. Although he could see where you were coming from – even if he’s never been in love – he was still certain that your relationship with Hoseok wasn’t something that you deserved. And even if it wasn’t Yuto’s original plan to play an almighty hero in the story of your life – he wasn’t lying when he said he’s never met a girlfriend of a Mafia member before – he still thought you needed help.

“Okay,” he said, not pushing his opinion because he knew your defenses were too high up now. “Sorry if I crossed the line.”

You nodded, turning away. “Okay. Let’s just—let’s pretend like we never talked, alright? That’ll save us both some energy. I’ll head to my—”

“You don’t want Hoseok to know you talked to me?” Yuto asked, cutting you off.

“No,” you replied. “I don’t want him to know you talked to me. I’m allowed to do whatever I want – it’s you who’s not allowed to reply to me. If anyone’s the little bird, trapped in a cage, in this situation, it’s you, Yuto.”

He was still smiling but you could see the way he’d clenched his jaw. Perhaps you’ve gotten to him now. You’d have said something else but you decided not to waste your time. Yuto had thought it was Hoseok who was treating you like his property but, really, Hoseok was the one who saw you as a human being, while Yuto only looked at you as a girl who needed saving.

“I’m going to go,” you said after he didn’t reply to you, but right as you headed out of the kitchen and towards the staircase, Yuto grabbed your hand.

“Wait,” he’d stopped you, pushing a piece of paper into your palm as he held onto your wrist. “Keep this in case you change your mind and realize that you can always start a new life.”

Almost angered at his bold move – and his audacity to still talk to you about the same thing even though you’ve told him you’d never even consider leaving Hoseok – you stopped and were about to toss the note he’d given you into the trash, but then the door of the house opened, distracting you.

“They fucking canceled on me,” Hoseok was saying as he threw the door open. He had his phone by his ear and did not notice your surprised eyes, watching him from the kitchen. “I got into my car, drove to their quarters, even fucking texted them three times to check, and they—”

He stopped once his eyes finally landed on you. Although, it wasn’t really you he was looking at – his gaze was too focused on Yuto’s hand still firmly on your wrist.

Barely a second passed after Hoseok clocked the close proximity of you and his newest recruit, and he’d already hung up his phone and took one quick step towards the kitchen until he was standing right in front of you.

“Was there an accident?” he demanded in a cold, serious voice. “Did something happen?”

“Hoseok—”

“Hold on for a moment, sweetheart,” he cut you off, his eyes on Yuto. “I’m trying to find out what reason could explain his hands on you. I’m only assuming he was trying to stop you from leaving which, of course, means that he’d been talking to you and then refused to allow you to end the conversation by leaving the room.”

“I wasn’t—” Yuto started to say but chose to let go of you before he continued, “I wasn’t refusing anything. I had some things I wanted to say to her.”

“Were those things a warning, perhaps?” Hoseok questioned. You had a feeling that the flames in his eyes weren’t caused by Yuto’s hand on yours but rather by your obviously uncomfortable and even angry expression that he’d seen as soon as he entered the house. “Were you trying to tell her not to leave the room because there was a bomb in the house? Were you warning her about a sniper that’s been aiming at her from outside?”

If Yuto was scared or worried, he didn’t show it. “No.”

“Well then why, for the sake of all hell, did you think it was a good idea to manhandle my girlfriend after you’ve been specifically told not to say a single word to her?”

“I don’t think you’re treating her fairly by locking her up here and not allowing her to talk to anyone,” was Yuto’s overly confident response.

It made Hoseok sneer. “Oh, she can talk to anyone she wants. She has more friends than I could count, but this isn’t about her. Your job here was to stay put and make sure nothing happened to her. That’s it.”

“Hoseok, it’s fine,” you said, feeling the need to interrupt – and potentially save Yuto’s life – despite not agreeing with the young boy’s point of view. “I was the one who started the conversation.”

Your boyfriend turned to look at you with the same warm smile he’d used on you before he left, a huge contrast to the way he’d looked at Yuto before.

“None of us deserve you and your heart, my love,” Hoseok said. “But I know you’re lying. I’ve had you protected since the day we met and not once did you dare to start a conversation with my men. Especially not after you found out they weren’t allowed to talk to you.”

You lowered your head, looking away. Hoseok didn’t blame you for trying to take the heat off of Yuto – perhaps, a part of him knew that you didn’t object against Yuto talking to you because it was nice to finally talk to someone that was staying in your house – but he thought your attempt was quite useless. He’s already decided what he was going to do. In fact, he’s had this decision ready even before he left the house.

“Let’s go,” Hoseok said, turning his head to give the other two men in the hallway a nod. “You’ll take him back, yeah? I’ll join in a few hours.”

“Of course,” one of the men said, entering the kitchen and, surprisingly, giving Yuto a chance to cooperate. “Come on, we’re heading out.”

“What are you going to do?” you dared to ask as you watched Hoseok’s newest recruit walk himself out without even a glance your way – thank God for that. “Will you kill him?”

Hoseok may have hated guns but he was no stranger to violence. He had chosen to keep the majority of what he did under wraps but he wasn’t deliberately hiding his work from you. He protected you from the worst of it, but you still caught glimpses over the years.

“Not yet,” was his response to your question as his men escorted Yuto out of your house – although, really, it looked like the three of them left together amicably and if it weren’t for the sudden yelp of pain you heard as soon as the door of your house closed, you would have thought this was going to blow over peacefully. “I’m a firm believer in second-chances. He did do his job, at the end of the day. He just didn’t listen to the orders that were given to him. We’ll teach him how to listen.”

You bit your lip, almost afraid to imagine his methods of teaching, and Hoseok – after noticing your awkward expression –  wrapped an arm around your shoulders.

“Please tell me this won’t traumatize you and scare you off from my men,” he said. “We still have to attend that dinner next week.”

“Dinners are fine, I get to talk to the other girls during dinners,” you replied, sighing. “But it’s not me you’re scaring off from your men. It’s the other way around. They’re afraid to even look at me.”

“Good,” Hoseok said, smiling teasingly as he did not see what the problem was. “Do you really need other men looking at you? Am I not enough?”

His playful tone made you raise your eyebrows in surprise. You’d heard him swear when he returned home and you’ve seen the lightning in his eyes when he talked to Yuto, so, obviously, you weren’t expecting him to tease you about this in such a relaxed way.

“No, you’re enough,” you replied. “But you’re away a lot and—”

“Oh, so you need someone for when I’m away?”

“No. I only need you,” you said. “I always need only you.”

“Yeah?” Hoseok’s hand slid from your shoulders to your waist as he brought your body closer to his, a smirk still decorating his features. “Can you prove that to me, baby?”

“Hmm,” you replied to the teasing grin on his face with one on your own as his playful mood brushed off on you. “How do you want me to prove it? Would my words work?”

“They would,” he said, his eyes burning into yours with the utmost love and adoration. “But I’m sure you’ve already shown your love for me with your words when that useless son of a bitch bothered you, haven’t you?”

“I…” you pulled away from him a little. “Were you—?”

“—listening?” he guessed and then shook his head. “No. I’m not paranoid enough to listen to what’s going on here when I’m away. But I had a feeling Yuto would say something to you. He was far too quiet in every meeting that I’ve seen him in. The quiet ones are always the ones plotting something.”

“Why’d you bring him here, then?” you asked, suddenly confused, “if you knew he was going to—oh,” it hit you in the middle of a sentence. Your speculations about Hoseok’s true intentions were somewhat correct, after all. “You were trying to get him to disobey, weren’t you? You knew he was going to stand up to you and you were waiting for exactly that.”

“Maybe,” Hoseok replied, his eyes falling to your lips. “I also wanted him to meet my girlfriend and realize that she could kick his ass just as well as I could if he tried anything with her.”

“So, was it all for laughs?”

“Most of it,” he admitted. “I knew Henry and Jay were more than enough to protect you and I needed a way to teach Yuto a lesson. I couldn’t exactly teach him some discipline just because I was suspicious he was going to rebel, could I? I had to wait until he actually did something that went against my orders.”

“So… was there even a meeting tonight?” you asked, unsure if you were impressed or angry at him for playing you while he tricked Yuto. “Or did you just—”

“Oh, who cares now?” he cut you off, his impatience finally resurfacing as he got tired of you asking him questions you already knew all the answers to, when he could have been watching you undress for him. “I’m back now. I’m all yours for the next few hours before I have to go back and actually deal with this. We’ll talk about this then, yeah?”

“You mean we’re postponing the conversation?”

“Mmhmm,” he hummed, leaning in closer until his lips were hovering over your neck. “Unless you’d rather hear me explain how I schemed to get this poor disobedient young man beaten up, instead of letting me kiss you everywhere you want.”

“I would—you’re beating him up?!” you asked, almost dizzy from his close proximity and the feeling of his breath washing off on your neck. You still tried desperately to keep your mind working.

“No, I’m not going to touch him personally,” Hoseok replied, finally pressing his lips to the sensitive skin right below your ear. “I’ll just ask him some questions, talk to him a bit… nothing big.”

“Oh,” you exhaled, barely acknowledging what he’d said, too focused on the feeling of his lips moving down your neck. “You’re very distracting, do you know that?”

“I hope I am,” he pulled away from you – the coldness of the room immediately hitting the wet trail his kisses had left on your neck – and leaned his forehead against yours instead as he watched you try to catch your breath. “Because, if I’m not mistaken, I believe you were going to prove something to me, hmm?”

“I can’t seem to remember.”

He chuckled, the feeling of his chest vibrating against yours sending sparks of electricity all throughout your body.

“I believe you’ve told me you only needed me,” he said, his voice suddenly much lower. “So, let me refresh your memory, baby, so you’d forget all about the other men. And then you can prove to me how much you love me.”

[sagebodisattva]

Another Nail in Your Coffin

“C’mon Sage. Bring on the knowledge! More Sage! Make another video!”

Sure. But I really don’t know why you’d want me to keep on going on, talking at length, as it’s only going to cause the walls to close in around you; because the more and more I scrutinize you, and the more and more I analyze and dissect the current situation, the more and more disappointed and disgusted I become, hence, the more and more arduous the inevitable judgement and consequences that will follow. Thus, every word I speak, acts as another nail in the coffin. What, you thought I was finished? Ha. No, my friend. I’m just getting started.

I know that many of you have longed for more metaphysics, and wish that I would resume making more videos concerning those types of aspects, but, one thing you have to come to realize, is that there’s been a dramatic change of season. Most of the content on the channel thus far has mainly been concerned with the metaphysical, and that’s due to the particular phase I was in at the time. It was a period of exploration, profound thought, and shared deep wisdom. Those were the main areas of concern of that era; but recently, however, there’s been a major shift of course, and, subsequently, the area of emphasis has also shifted. And so now, I have moved into a phase primarily concerned with productive destruction. Yes, productive destruction, not nihilism. Whereas nihilism might be construed as illustrating the rationalizations of a sociopath for his abhorrent criminal behaviors; productive destruction, on the other hand, is only concerned with destroying the evil crafts of deception, wherein the motive is always selfless service and magnanimous sacrifice. This is a period where the main area of concern will be deconstructing falsehoods, and tearing down corrupt foundations.

And it’s not that I want it to be this way. I don’t. I’d much rather be speaking on the higher points, and delving deeply into arcane knowledge; but, unfortunately, the current circumstances have dictated otherwise. Instead, I have to set to work, hunting down deceptive ideologies, proceeding to systematically break them down; and, ultimately, stalk and kill them. Rigorous acts of menticide, whereby any and all delusions are susceptible to decapitation on the chopping block. We have to isolate and trap the malignant sociopaths, and strip them down to their raw bones, then rack and shatter those bones down into thousands of tiny little pieces. We have to destroy them, utterly. Yeah, and it’s no big deal at all if a scumbag ends up perishing by the hand of his own stupidity. It’s a completely acceptable loss. It’s effort well worth any blood stained hands; and when it comes to washing away human stains, there is no higher calling.

And this is where some of you may get the idea to raise your voice to speak, and assert an opinion, but I say, while you are free to speak, what you say is totally inconsequential and irrelevant; as, you don’t get to decide anything, and no matter what your theory is, it’s the wrong theory. It’s not about a choice between various options in a world, no. External events don’t happen “out there” somewhere. Decisions are not being made by “others”, sorry. I know you have your little oral fixation thing, but no, sorry; and this is exactly why you are in a position where you need to be informed. The only problem is, your informers are complete liars. So get it straight: everything that happens around here is being imagined into being, and nothing else. So, overall, you really don’t know jack-shit. And since you don’t know, then ASK; instead of always being a nasty little opinionated needle-nosed twit. Shut your fucking mouth up right now, or get a viral payload dropped directly on your bird brained head. Yeah, the coronavirus! This guy thinks it’s from a bat cave, and that guy thinks it’s a leak from a viral lab, but, fuck you both, it’s original source is from nowhere, and it will go and shed wherever the hell it needs to. And right now, your overinflated pretentious head is looking like the best destination.

I mean, the arrogance and disrespect of it all, has gotten completely out of control, and I’m sick and tired of it. Sick and tired of it to the extent that, a lot of you motherfuckers are gonna have to die. Plain and simple. We’ve got no more use for you. You are nothing but a detriment. How dare you speak and act the way you do. Who the fuck’s mind do you think this is anyhow? Yeah, I know. You think you occupy physical space, so it’s no wonder you believe you have some inherent right to position and property. Well, I hate to break it to you jack-off, but you ain’t got an inherent right to jack-shit. You are occupying my mind-space, and as such, at best, you are only a guest here; but I don’t seem to remember you paying any homage, or asking permission to construct your bullshit in my mind.

And I know some of you may say:

“Hey, wait a minute Sage. Slow down. Why is it “your” mind-space? Isn’t this OUR mind-space? How can you lay claim to this? Wouldn’t it be more accurate to describe it as “our mind-space?”

No. Sorry, it’s my mind-space, and no one else’s. And that’s because I decided to take on responsibility for it, when no one else wanted it. The mind-space was essentially an unmanned wheel of a ship, with no captain, aimlessly adrift at sea. So I decided to take on responsibility for the mind-space, and therefore, maintenance of the interior of the mind-space has become my job. So that’s why I have become the main guardian and caretaker of the mind-space, and you, did not. You had your chance to let go of everything, enlighten your mind, and take on responsibility, but you chose to squander that opportunity, and decided to become a lazy ignorant jackass instead. Rather then pursuing the truth, you chose to argue against enlightenment, and continually advocated for staying powerless and ignorant in delusion. Instead, you chose masturbation with a blindfold. Instead, you insisted on constantly giving attributional blowjobs to gods or the universe. So no, it’s too late. No one was interested in uncovering the truth before, so why are you suddenly worried about it now? The only thing you all ever aspired to become, was desire whores and value junkies, trapped in a delusional state of mental slavery; and thus, that’s exactly what you got. So embrace it, and become one with it. You wholly deserve it, and threw away your chance of illumination for it. So now, go ahead and choke on it. Just like I knew you would. Just like a good little jack-ass should.

So, no. You were not yet ready to rise to the occasion. You had your chance, but you hung up your gloves, and threw in the towel. I, on the other hand, was up for the task. I rose to the occasion. I made consistent efforts, uncovered the truth, liberated the mind, and assumed full responsibility for reality. And this is exactly why this whole realm is now considered mine. It is reality that is under my direct purview. This is my mind-space, and you are but a mere guest. An unruly visitor, who is quickly testing the extent of my good graces, and trying the limits of my extreme patience. It’s time for you to get disciplined. And I don’t care about any talk of rights and freedoms. Your rights and freedoms are overrated. You don’t deserve those rights and freedoms, because you are much too immature, greedy and reckless to be trusted with such great responsibilities. So it’s time to take them away from you. And that’s gonna be one of the major ways you will be punished from now on. Things are gonna start being taken away from you at an alarming rate. I know you think you are entitled to them, but I think it’s time for you to lose them. Therefor, things will be taken away. Oh, you are gonna learn, dammit. You are gonna learn big time. You are going to behave.

And speaking of your ongoing disgusting malignant behaviors, from now on, the speed of reaping what you sow, is gonna be swift and heavy. Especially swift. In the past, these things took time. You could always cause delays or create distractions. But no more. Instant immediate justice is now the way of the new current era. And speed is, indeed, of the essence. Such extreme speed that, you will already experience the major impact of your misdeed, by the time you go to bed at night, on the very same day of your imposition. Everything you’ve taken so long to painstakingly build, can disappear faster then gasoline soaked paper in fire.

So remain heedless to your own peril. And yes, you should detect a sense of ominous foreboding in the air; because, at this point, circumstances are not working towards your well being. Yeah, “things” are being orchestrated against you; and there’s so many different ways this can ultimately reach you. Not only through such avenues as a virus, but also through your surroundings, animals and other people. Circumstance itself. And you’d really be amazed about how much can be accomplished with just the simple movements of elements, such as fire, water, rock and air. Oh, there’s just no limits to the many many ways it can get to you.

So this is a fight you can’t win, so go ahead and do your worse. Go ahead and lock and load. Arm yourself to the teeth, hunker down and make your last stand. At the very least, we can starve you out. But, always remember: there are hundreds of thousands lined up, all just waiting to sacrifice themselves for the good cause; and they’ve got absolutely nothing to lose. And that’s exactly how you wanted it. And so now it will, ironically, seal your own fate. After all, YOU are the one always going on about how you have so much to preserve and defend, hence, it’s you who has everything to lose, which, of course, means you are at a serious disadvantage; fighting a lost cause upon a sinking ship. Sometimes, to achieve a moral standard, a price must be paid in blood; and the blood supply of your precious special few is seemingly quite limited, whereas the pool of blood of our righteous warriors is as vast and deep as the ocean itself.

So hey, you know what, it’s no big deal. No one has to do the right thing. No problem. There’s absolutely no pressure. But, just so you know, things are gonna get real tough. I know you can’t help yourself. I know that it’s incredibly hard not to be a toxic selfish arrogant entitled prick. So, know upfront, things are gonna get real tough. And please, by all means, continue to abuse freedoms. Continue to impose your liberty upon others in order to enrich yourself. Just as long as you fully understand, that things are gonna get real tough. And I mean real tough; wherein accomplishing the simplest little tasks in life, will now become monumental enormities.

But you LIKE the simplest little tasks in life becoming monumental enormities. No no, you LIKE the simplest little tasks in life becoming monumental enormities. You LIKE that. And now, you are gonna get a real good taste of it, real hard.

[artificialqueens]

living on the edge of the law - chapter 3 (biadore) - lily2

bianca has just know met her new demise in the form of adore delano and adore isn’t so sure she wants to fulfill any part of her contract, worried about her own creative freedom and restrictions.

— *.✧ The light seeped into the car and Adore groaned, leaning back into the shotgun of the black Jeep, not exactly feeling the greatest at the moment. “I hate this you know, I liked my last manager! And now because I switched labels I have to get a new one? Fuck off.” She moaned aloud to herself and the only person in the car, Tatianna who could only focus on the road, stopping at the red light as she fixed her lipstick staring at the car mirror before finally acknowledging her best friend, smiling a bit. “Honey, these aren’t the choices I can say I make.” She reminded gently. Adore slugged, “I know, I know!” She insisted, annoyingly rolling her eyes and biting her lip, “Why can’t I just record from home? I really have to sign a formal contract and do all this shit?” She flipped her curls around and ran a hand through her long hair, reminding herself mentally to tell whoever her new assistant that her hair needed to be restyled, the white to black ombre was pretty cool but she was feeling perhaps a new color— Taitanna always wanted to see her in pastel’s so maybe a pink would work in her favor. “Well, you were under someone else for a while, this is just a bigger and more widespread label. The good thing is that you know they can spread your music around and pay you better, you can actually become a full fledged celebrity.” Tatianna teased though that set off an absolute spark in Adore who almost spat at her own best friend, “I don’t want to be fucking famous!” She quickly calmed down seeing her friend completely wince in the surprise of her anger. “I know, I was just joking.“  “I’m sorry—” she started before pushing the hair out of her own face, “I just want to get out of Azusa, I can’t handle already having this much attention and followers and just the pressure to make music scares me, I don’t wanna sit at my desk and think I have to write something, I want it to come naturally.” She explained with nothing but passion, her dream was to write music and she dropped out of college to do so, the grades didn’t matter all that much to her and a bachelor’s in music composition didn’t exactly sound like what she had ever wanted or envisioned, to go to school and wait another four years before she could even do something with her possible career. “I love you, we’ve been close since we were younger but, that’s the price you pay when you wanna be a musician who isn’t underground and struggling to pay rent at local bars, you have to put yourself out there, you’re so damn talented stop overthinking it, if a damn thing goes wrong you better call me and I will handle it, personal assistant or not.“  Adore bit her lip laughing, a corner of her mouth lifting into a smile: "You know you can just be my manager and assistant, fuck that written bullshit, let’s just get out of here.” She joked before Taitanna rolled her eyes and cursed her out again, “Far too late for that.” The reply came as they pulled into the parking lot, Adore groaning. “I just don’t have a very great feeling about all this now that I’m really thinking about it."  They both unbuckled before Adore stepped out, covering her forehead with her hand to avoid the piercing sun right in front of her face, Taitanna grabbing all the paperwork and official records they had to send and fill out for the label, she put her hands across the hem of her skirt, dusting off the crumbs from the fast food they had destroyed earlier while traveling from Azusa.  Wearing nothing but some fishnet tights and a low lying v-neck dress covered in sparkling tassles Adore twirled around, aimlessly staring down at her screen before Taitanna muttered to her to stay off the phone for now, reminding her the immense amount of security and introductions they were about to go through.  Taitanna twirled a piece of her long and straightned black hair around her finger as they walked closer towards the entrance. She truthfully didn’t need to be there but Adore asked her to be just in case "shit goes off” as Adore so kindly and truthfully put it. Not one to refuse a gesture for her best friend she wholeheartedly accepted and graciously helped her even fill out her paperwork, Adore’s focus levels were constantly bouncing off the roofs and she needed closure and someone to help her got go completely awry in more ways than one. “Just be yourself and you’ll be amazing, they’ll see how much you’re worth.” Adore nodded sweetly and turned before swiping the card they had given for to come in and then was a bit taken back at the buzzing before the doors opened thankfully. “I’m happy you’re here.” Reflecting on the past was difficult for Adore to do but she couldn’t have gotten past all her struggles without Taitanna sometimes supportively nagging or holding her hand, she wasn’t that old, she still made mistakes, she wasn’t a child either: she had her own problems to fix and music seemed to solve most of the ones she had on the tap.  “I’m happy to be here!” Her chipper reply came before they both grabbed eachother’s hand and quickly let go once they turned the corner. —  “I dropped out of my degree, out of college.” Adore sobbed out, wiping her eyes with her paint stained and ripped tank, trying not to completely turn on every single emotion she currently felt and project it onto Taitanna who sat there in a bit of a silent wake. Blinking, she observed the clearly distraught Adore and completely blanched white. “You, you— what?"  The younger girl simply screwed up her entire face and completely broke hearing the heartbreak in Taitanna’s voice, "I’m so sorry.” Terror overlooked her face before her older friend quickly took her in her arms and hugged her, stroking her hair and sighing heavily, more worried if Adore had told her parents than her, she had thick skin but her parent’s were the worry here. “Can I ask why honey?"  "I just…” She breathed in and Taitanna handed her a tissue so she could wipe her nose, thanking her quietly. “I can’t take it anymore, this isn’t what I want Tati, I want to be a singer and do it now!” It was difficult for Tatianna to process considering how badly she had hoped and prayed for Adore to finally pick college as her next stop. Not everyone had to have a degree to be successful but Adore needed a distraction from her other hobbies especially. “I have all this creativity and ability and desire to work, to post my music and no, I have to study for exams in the theory of scales and shit like that, I knew high school was gonna be a struggle but this is twice as worse because I don’t feel like myself anymore and I can’t do this anymore.” She stopped before putting her hand on her stomach.  “Does your mom know?"  The pause in Adore’s entire face and the sniffle that came after was enough to answer the question for Tatianna who wiped her eyes and nodded, "So she doesn’t.” She whispered laughing, not disappointed in Adore, disappointed that Adore felt so damn sad and overworked in an industry and degree that she chose for godsake. “You’re only twenty, you have a lot of time, don’t force yourself into school, you can stay with me, but you have to promise me—” she snapped to signal Adore to stars right at her, “Promise me, in my eyes, that you will stay clean."  Adore apprehensively gave her promise though she knew deep down what a grey area that was for the both of them, she ignored it for now, just wanting the knowledge that someone would let her live and take care of her, already jittery from what her mother would say when she was to find out.  "Party.” She laughed, wiping her eyes as Tatianna helped her up and gave her a final hug before pulling away and bending down eye level, “Now, we’re gonna get cleaned and go get some nails done and then, then we are getting pizza. I want some to and you need the good positivity, we can talk about this in depth when you’re ready to but not now."  Groaning, Adore cried out a: "You’re an angel!” to her best friend who only winked teasingly, “I know.” They both collapsed in laugher on the couch as if they were high schoolers again and pretending to study after school for the big test that was the next day.  “I’ll be a singer one day, just wait.” She swore to herself mainly but also to Taitanna who nodded in agreement swiftly, “I don’t doubt you for one second."  — After what seemed like an hour, it was really twenty minutes at most, of a degrading and sterotypical tour of the entire studio they finally focused on Adore, though she did enjoy seeing some of the recording space it only reinforced the regrets in her head she had with signing for a major record label as opposed to independence and creative freedom.  "Now if we can take you to see your space, take some pictures and meet your assistant that would be best.” One of the managers of the labels more demanded than asked. “Party!” Adore said, excited to finally see something that had to do with yourself and wasn’t shouting her face that this was for their profit margins. Tatianna wasn’t the least bit reluctant to come along, very curious about the entire assistant situation. “So if I can be nosy, why exactly does Adore need an assistant?” Tatianna attempted to not sound nosy and offended but her body language definitely told a different story, one of the men replied quickly back to her: “Adore is of course an adult who can make her own decisions but we need someone who can manage things like her dates, events, apperances, someone who can help her in and out of the studio, it isn’t any specific reason, we do it for all our big and upcoming artists."  It was about as generic and bland of a reply as she expected but she leaned away a bit seeing Adore so curiously taking in the true extravaganza of it all, she had never seen so much marble, glass and such high ceilings in her entire life. She had completely forgot about the assistant thing but hey, if it meant one person had to handle the work she didn’t want to do and helped them pay the bills that was absolutely okay with her not like they were about to dictate the music she made and what comes and goes, atleast she hoped. Her mind begun to wonder elsewhere before the men stopped her in front of what looked like an office, she curiously glared before looking back to the men who explained that she needed to meet her assistant in personal and confined conditions, some shit about safety and oath, she didn’t quite understand but she was to go in alone, much to Tatianna’s dismay, she grabbed the paperwork and hugged her best friend and told her she would simply call whenever she needed the ride back.  They all left and she was left outside the door, she put her hand on the door handle and grinned ear to ear before ripping the door open a bit too enthusiastically, a visible drop of papers falling from the desk in front of her.  She nervously shut the door before awkwardly laughing, "Oh man, I’m so sorry.” She said before picking up the stack and meeting eyes with must’ve been her new assistant after all that talk and glitz, “Party.” She whispered, feeling a bit flustered, not exactly expecting someone so well put together and well, attractively compelling before the older woman grabbed the papers from her, shaking her head.  “I’m guessing you’re Adore Delano then?” She sat down and crossed her legs, slacking in the chair a bit as she nodded her head, Bianca almost visibly pausing and glaring at her in absolute deadbeat disappointment. “Yes, I am.” She repeated, this time aloud before coughing and handing over the paper work. “And you are?” The younger singer attempting to make some attempt at conversation since they were gonna be stuck together no matter the feelings and circumstances. “Bianca, Bianca Del Rio.” She muttered loud enough for her to hear as she sorted through the paperwork and stamped it, “Bianca! I like it a lot.” She smiled, Bianca was definitely older than her but not some ancient lady who was probably close to her deathbed and on life support like she had assumed she would be which was beyond refreshing and calmed her down a bit.  “How old are you?” She asked, unaware that was the one question you really should never ask anyone. Bianca a bit stirred up bit the inside of her cheeks and smirked, “I’m 32.” She replied with complete honesty, not exactly feeling the need to piss off her client the first damn working day. “You look great.” The wink completely set off Bianca who laughed and then frowned, the corners of her lips defensively curling into a snarl, “You’re bold for someone who came dressed straight out of the pages of a fucking roaring 20’s novel."  Adore laughed wildly, "Holy shit you have an actual personality beyond work, you are so much better than I thought you’d be. I’m 22 by the way and thank you, I was inspired by your hair” She replied referring to the curls that were layered throughout Bianca’s hair, Adore slightly tilting to shake the tassles and grinning widely, attempting to keep Bianca on the edge and she was, taking offense to that a bit she almost threw her entire stapler at the girl.  Maybe if I piss her off enough she will hate me and I can just be let go and start my own album with no label, wouldn’t that be an idea?  “Make fun of my hair all you want but atleast I can never say my hair looks like the ink in the printer suddenly went out, I can let you borrow mine if you wanna restyle it, I can just throw it in, looks better than the fucking job that’s already been done.” She spat before Adore scoffed, now it was her turn to get offended just a tiny bit. “I paid a lot for this hair stylist, he’s amazing and I’m getting my hair dyed next week!” She defensively acknowledged before Bianca folded her hands and cracked he neck a bit, “Do you only give him your money to do your hair because he’s blind and you feel chartible? Be honest with me!"  The comment shouldn’t have made Adore laugh but it did, hard. Her eyes stared a bit too far into those damn irises, she was definitely playing with some kind of fire currently but was enjoying herself in absolute honesty, opening her mouth to reply before Bianca stepped in, holding up one of her paperwork sheets.  "I hate to be that person but you have to fill out the part about your, you know, housing and address.” Quickly Adore brushed her shoulders and nervously licked her lips, “If we can do that later that would be so amazing.” Bianca was definitely curious to ask but the absolute look of terror in Adore’s eyes when she mentioned her living situation said all she needed to hear, not wanting to pry into it right now, she simply nodded and set the paper down with a hard thump. “So, I’m guessing you’re in school still or have you graduated?” The question immediately triggered Adore’s fight or flight response, cracking up. “Um—” she begun nervously looking away from her new assistant, “I dropped out when I was 20, too much stress and too much work."  "Well I hate to break it to you but that’s kind of what college is about.” Bianca hissed, she had a feeling, Adore looked like someone who would drop out of college for her own personal issues or benefit, many singers did: she wasn’t trying to villanize Adore for it but the singer immediately countered, “Fuck you! College isn’t an endgoal for everyone and people have so many personal issues to deal with, a degree shouldn’t determine whether or not I can sing or if I can have a paying job that helps me eat!"  "Honey lower your voice I can still hear, I’m not that fucking old, no need to yell like I’m a senior citizen at a nursing home.” She blurted trying to stop her from absolutely screaming her feelings, “I’m not your therapist but I understand, I wasn’t trying to shame you.” She swore quietly before Adore blinked and turned her head, trying to not throw a fit. “Sorry.” Was all that came out and the tone itself screamed bitter and aggravated. “It’s fine, you clearly have some vendetta against college and I’ll respect that if you don’t fucking comment on my hair again."  "Deal!” The smile resurfaced again and Bianca had to admit something completely fell down for her, her guard a bit lowered even though they had just known eachother for all of ten minutes, at most. She was charming in a drop-out college kid, talented singer with an interesting hair color way; she seemed extremely comfortable with herself which Bianca had to admire, she didn’t look to mind skin for sure and her posture was awful but it was brushed off with her clear intent to look as comfortable as possible.  “So Bianca, you’re gonna do all my concerts and events and basically be the good angel on my shoulder?” Is that how they explained it to her? Jesus Christ. Bianca was quick to give a shaky but stable hand motion, “Well—” she begun before turning in her chair so she could shut her laptop, “I’m responsible for basically any event, anything that happens to you."  "So like, you’re my bodyguard?"  A laugh and then she stopped realizing Adore was genuinely serious about the question. "Listen bitch I would never—” she wheezed, “I get paid to basically follow your ass and manage your apperances, concerts, all the hard stuff because apperantly they don’t trust singers to do their own thing."  "Okay so not my bodyguard but still follows me everywhere? Party.” She clapped, leaning into Bianca with a small smile forming across her lips, “You seem like a fun assistant to get, I think you’ll do great.” Bianca took her hand over Adore’s face and pushed it out of her own, “That’s sweet.” “We should talk more! What’s your number?” She asked so flattered that Bianca almost couldn’t possibly refuse, “Give me your phone.” She replied before she complied and hummed to herself, “I put it in but only for emergencies or if you need something, I’m not gonna go get your ass McDonald’s at 3AM.” She warned before Adore shrugged, “Maybe one day you will, do you live near here?"  "Well I would fucking hope so if I work here."  "I’m from Azusa, that’s why I’m asking. I’m thinking about moving though since I got this studio contract and all.” Bianca not exactly familar with California too much assumed it was a decent minutes driving from Santa Monica and nodded, “Well I can’t help you buy a house but I can tell you I live about fifteen minutes away or three hours in California driving."  The joke got a chuckle from Adore which made Bianca just a bit prideful and the tiniest bit happy. Her smile was beautiful and very bright, she must’ve had some kind of whitening done or maybe she just actually brushed her teeth everyday like a normal human being, Bianca couldn’t tell.  "I don’t know California very well, I just moved back to America from Australia—” Adore gasped, “No way! The fuck did you move back here? This state is overpriced, dry and is only good for a weekend or two. Los Angeles is greatly overrated.” “Because the pay was better and I need to get all my paperwork for America in line anyway, I was only working in Australia, I’m from New Orleans.” Adore moaned, “God, it’s so amazing over there. I haven’t been in a while but I remember being beyond happy with all the atmosphere and the fashion!” She absolutely collapsed in her chair dramatically, “You guys have a lot of really good vintage and thrift stores is all I’m saying."  "Yes I know, I lived and was born there.” Bianca smirked, “I loved Australia, my best friend is a singer and I was her assistant to needless to say I’m very underwhelmed being away from her."  "Who?” “Courtney Act, she’s really popular in Australia but maybe not too well known here, deserves to be though.” Adore completely shook her hair and slammed her fists on Bianca’s desk, leaning in heavily to her face, making the older woman completely red in her face: “The Courtney Act?"  "Well I only know one."  "She’s amazing! She was Australian Idol, she literally has like millions of followers, she followed me on Instagram and I practically pissed myself, don’t tell her that but I fucking love her, her music isn’t typically what I listen to but she’s just so pretty and seems so nice!"  Bianca stopped her and laughed, gently pushing away from Adore in her chair, "I don’t tell her but that’s very sweet, I won’t get you a damn autograph so please don’t ask me about that, I promised her I wouldn’t ask her for stupid shit like that."  Adore breathed in, "I’m sorry she’s just very talented, can’t believe you went from her to me, guess I’m worthy of such a good assistant.” Bianca wasn’t good receiving compliments or any kind of praise so she immediately was turned off. “I’m fine, I just organize your messy ass calendar, not much else, I’m not about to dictate what you write or post or sing, we’re not in a Communist state."  "I know, I know! That’s so cool, see you’re so cool, you have a very strong personality so we’ll probably clash but—” “Oh I can promise you we will."  "See exactly! But still, it’s cool that you made a best friend from it, maybe I’ll be next!” She grinned before Bianca blinked, “You’re no Courtney right now but maybe if you stop sitting in your chair like a child with a temper tantrum I’ll reconsider that."  "It’s just my posture!” The girl whined before slacking even more realizing she was exactly proving Bianca’s point further. “I know I’m not Courtney, I’m Adore Delano and our styles are very different. I’m too punk to be Courtney."  "I know, I can see your dirt stained tights.” Adore laughed at the comment and stood up, “I’m way too lazy to wash my tights, I know they smell like feet!"  "And yet you chose to come to a fucking record label dressed in dirty clothes, the youth never fails to amaze me, really.” Realizing the comment made her sound like a bitter old-lady who hadn’t had her caffeine yet Adore jumped right onto the bandwagon, “I know grandma, god!"  "So, your homework is to actually fill out your damn paperwork, I’m not gonna look at it or go deep into it but just be honest, half of this isn’t even filled out.” She gave Adore the paperwork back and she sighed, not looking too thrilled to have to re-do her papers.  “Alright. I’ll get it to you tomorrow if I stop by or I’ll just text you. Thanks!” Adore yelled before slamming the door shut, Bianca finally left at peace. Adore was definitely interesting. She felt a bit jealous knowing someone could look that good in a clearly wrinkled and not washed dress, her smile was incredible and she seemed like someone who was full of passion for singing but that’s where the turn on’s stopped: Bianca was already prepared for the whining, bitching, the irresponsibility— this was gonna be much more difficult than entitled.  She would always accept a challenge though, especially from someone who seemed her polar opposite. Her phone immediately buzzed and she knew what was coming: a new notification from Adore.  Bianca! Meet me at the bar I’m gonna link tonight, it’s a more local gig and I want you to come and hear what you’re missing ;) I’ll buy you alcohol if you can sit through it you old ass hag xx She immediately replied with a clearly bitter: I’m not that old, you’re just stupid and can’t fucking count. But sure, if you’re buying, might as well. Her first thought was to immediately scope her out on Instagram, sure enough she was the first result when searching Adore Delano, who would’ve thought and was more than impressed to see the girl had already racked up over 230K followers on Instagram alone, she was more well known than Bianca thought.  “Well this’ll be interesting…"  *.✧ Shea lowered the radio and laughed listening to Bianca rant so much, she never expected it would be so interesting the first day. "So you’re not a huge fan of Adore Delano after meeting her I’m guessing?” Bianca stammered, a bit confused, not knowing how to feel exactly. “She’s very talented, I don’t doubt her but she’s such a fucking child! It’s like she hasn’t aged in ten years and is still mentally a twelve year old.” Shea adjusted the sleeves of her jacket as she grinned, “She also doesn’t wash her damn tights so she smells like shit."  Sipping her unfinished and watered down coffee she shrugged, "Sorry about that honey.” She admitted before Bianca turned the attention to Shea, “So have you spoke to Sasha yet?” The girl almost choked on her coffee and raised her finger, Bianca laughing, “Take your time."  Anytime Sasha was even mentioned in a conversation it looked like Shea completely would melt into a puddle and just start stuttering and look away, not wanting to directly speak her feelings fo someone face to face, almost hiding about it. "Okay let me ask you a very simple question, are you scared to ask her because you think she’s straight?"  "Oh no, she’s very fluid, we go to PRIDE every year together.” Bianca almost wanted to smack Shea at the back of her head for being so damn stupid and pulling out so easy. “You are so fucking dense about your feelings it’s almost incredible, I bet Sasha is just waiting for you to ask and you’re just here sitting in your car lamenting."  Her brows furrowed and sighed once more, not wanting to keep being repeative about Sasha to Shea even though it was absolutely clear to fucking anyone that something was there, "You wait any longer and I swear to god I might steal Sasha for myself.” Shea hit her in the back and Bianca almost gagged, “Bitch you better not, I’m from Chicago I’ll beat your fucking ass if you even think about it."  "See! See how defensive you fucking are about someone, that’s love bitch! How about you have that same energy and spunk telling her how you feel.” Bianca was right and Shea knew she was, it was just the idea of being rejected and possibly ruining their friendship that worried it, absolutely nothing else: just the lingering feeling that Sasha just wanted to stay very, very good friends. “Enough about me, I’ll do what I have to one day—” Bianca was about to protest before Shea shushed her, “So where am I taking you, home or to the dealership?"  "Dealership, I have to get a car and go see Adore’s fucking gig in Los Angeles tonight.” Shea smirked hearing her talk about Adore, “You know for someone who’s been shitting on her this entire time in the car you seem a bit too interested."  "I’m her new toy now what do you expect, she asked me to come and I’m expected to, besides: not like I have anything better to do expect finally finish unpacking.” Shea visibly paused to think a few seconds, “How much younger is she?"  "I think about nine years, why?"  "Not too bad.” The reply immediately made Bianca almost stand in her seat, “Now hold on bitch—” Shea cackled, “You’re not gonna play fucking matchmaker, she’s my complete and utter opposite and also my client."  "What I’m hearing is you’re too fucking scared because she’s about to be very famous, you don’t want the attention even though you’re lonely and you’re scared to lose your job!” She yelled over a visibly flustered Bianca who was very quickly shut down. “I just met her Shea besides I’m sure she has her own shit going on with a guy, girl, whatever she’s into. I’m not gonna let her come before my work even if I did like her and I don’t so there’s absolutely nothing to worry about."  Shea accepted defeat and did a visible white flag signal, "Alright, you say that now.” Bianca quickly flipping her off and groaning in her seat, “Bitch you know it would never happen.” The mutters quiet enough for Shea to hear anyway. “Never say never, like you said, opposites do attract.” *.✧ Bianca, now with a car and gas to boot wasn’t too thrilled to be driving to Los Angeles for a damn late night gig but the alcohol and Adore was enough to convince her. If she was gonna be pushed around and have to handle her for god knows how long she might as well try and form some kind of a friendship if possible. She parked her car and breathed a sigh of relief, driving suddenly on the right side of the road was an interesting experience but she quickly readjusted, it wasn’t as if she hasn’t driven in other places before that were right sided like America but it had definitely been a hot minute.  Approaching the back entrance like Adore told her proved to not be exactly the smartest thing Bianca had ever done, she was already tired and having an employee yell at her until Adore quietly came from behind and pleaded the case that indeed that was her assistant wasn’t the most shining moment in her lifetime.“I’m sorry about that—” she laughed, impressed Bianca actually kept her word about coming. “I’m so glad you came grandma!” She smirked, wrapping an arm around Bianca until she pushed it off, “Yes, I was promised free alcohol.” Adore laughed and slid her a twenty, “Tell them Adore sent you!” She yelled over the music before dancing around in the dressing room wildly, “Come watch me on the side of the stage that’s the best place to be, you see me and the crowd and the entire atmosphere.” She completely gushed.  “When do you perform?"  "In about thirty minutes which should be enough for you to get tipsy."  Bianca laughed, truthfully: "I can do a lot in thirty minutes with twenty dollars, don’t test me.” Adore sat down and applied her mascara, “Whatever you want as long as I see your toasty ass watching me in thirty minute, go have some fun, party!"  "Alright well, stay safe and I’ll sneak a glimpse, then I’ll go home.” She teased though Adore frowned genuinely, “I’m fucking kidding, Jesus!” Bianca replied quickly before Adore kicked her out smiling.  “See ya hag!” Kissing Bianca’s hand before shutting the door and hearing visible laughter. Bianca felt her entire face go red and shook her head, “No, no, no.” She pushed away any possible thought and headed to the bar, pushing her way through. “Maybe alcohol will distract me” she whispered before knowing in the back of head it wouldn’t, But god I hope it does. 

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                                                                            MARCH    2020

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 The Stones are touring the U.S. again.

*****

Paul Reubens is touring with Pee Wee’s Big Adventure.

*****

Al Franken is touring.

*****

Keenan Thompson and Hasan Minhaj are bringing comedy back to the White House Correspondents dinner on April 5.

*****

Days alert: There is some casting news but most of this won’t show up until the fall. Word is a couple of newbies will be Remington Hoffman who will play Li Shin, son of Mr. Shin and Emily O’Brien may join the cast. Nadia Bjorlin (Chloe) may be on her way back. Let’s bring the original Phillip back for her!!! Brandon Barash (Stefan) will return as well as Louise Sorel ( Vivian )and Alison Sweeney ( Sami). Judi Evans is headed back. Will she play Adrienne or Bonnie?? It looks like Casey Moss (JJ), Freddie Smith (Sonny), Chandler Massey (Will) and Galen Gering (Rafe) mill head out for awhile.

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It looks like Friends freaks will finally get their reunion on HBO. I am glad they aren’t bringing the characters back and are just getting together to talk about their time together.

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Downhill hit theatres on Valentine’s Day with Will Ferrell, Julia Louis- Dreyfus and Zoe Chao. The film was written and directed by Nat Faxon and Jim Rash.

*****

The more I see of it, the more I LOVE Stumptown, the best show that nobody seems to know about. Please renew ABC!!!!!

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So.. Rush Limbaugh got the Medal of Freedom.  Oh my.

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Shadow Inc. owned by former Clinton and Obama staffers made an app that thoroughly fucked up the Iowa caucus. It was good at calculating the results but not delivering them.  And hey.. Wolf Blitzer, stay off the phone with people that are trying to get those results. Let them just do their job!!

*****

Brooklyn 99 is back and Vanessa Bayer is there!!!

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Rod Blagojevich is out and hitting every show that will have him. Trump pardoned him along with 10 other criminals including Ed DeBartolo Jr., Mike Milken and Bernard Kerik.

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Forty thousand kids won’t get free lunch because Trump threw them off food stamps. The two usually go hand in hand. Getting food stamps automatically sets a kid up for the free lunch program.

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Over 1000 former DOJ officials have asked Bill Barr to resign.** 70 former Senators have written an open letter to congress to tell them they are not fulfilling their congressional duties.**” Yoo Hoo! Bush, Clinton, Carter, Obama, you’re up.” –Patricia Arquette

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Pete Davidson and Kaia Gerber have split.

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Indiana Beach is closing after 94 years.

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Denny Hamlin won the 2020 Daytona 500.

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Can’t we get some real gigs for Rainn Wilson and Curtis Armstrong? Ok, so Cyrtis Armstrong was on Stumptown so thank goodness for that! They can do better than Dominoes and Little Caesars ads. And how funny is it that Dominoes, known for its very Chrustian owners use a Risky Business ( a film about prostitutes) ad for their product. Hmm.

*****Hey.. Comics, quit bringing up Trump and his former womanizing. It didn’t work with Clinton and it won’t work here. People just don’t seem to care. Focus on the real damage he is doing.

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Scary Clown is working on opening nearly a million acres of land in Utah for energy exploration that had been a National monument. Redford and Romney can’t be happy about that.

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A new animated series from a brand new production company owned by Natasha Lyonne and Maya Rudolph looks promising. Look for The Hospital.

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Southern Illinois University is giving Bob Odenkirk an honorary degree.

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Ukranian immigrants Lt. Col. Vindman and his twin brother are out. Ambassador to the EU Sonland is out.

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The Democrats had a debate on Feb. 7 . At Andrew Yang’s first chance to speak, he rehashed his stump speech. I mean, c’mon give us something new. There really seemed to be a restrained nervousness on the stage that night. Klobachar seemed too needy but she got great reviews. Biden called Buttigieg ‘a friend ‘ a couple of times. Mayor Pete did quite well. ** Deval Patrick is out** Andrew Yang is out.**Michael Bennet is out** Another debate was on Feb. 19.** Bloomberg/Yang? Is this true?

*****

Check out the new series, Hunters. It is awesome, funny and terrifying!

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Dozens of Native American women and girls have disappeared from Big Horn county, Montana over the last few years. The victims were later found dead and Trump has put a federal task force together.

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Grassley and Wyden are trying to get lower prescription drug prices but Moscow Mitch won’t bring the proposal to the floor. Others are looking to get some traction on HR3.

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JSW Steel has sued the Trump administration for refusing to exempt it from paying the levies on slabs of steel that the company imports.

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64 women have filed sexual harassment or discrimination lawsuits against Mike Bloomberg. I’m not a fan of the guy but it does seem sort of coincidental.  It does not seem to matter cuz all his ads seem to be working, he is picking up steam. Tom Steyer is gaining a bit of momentum as well.

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The corona virus has brought us Covid 19. 600 people are being held in quarantine camps that the military has set up.  Italy has new cases and the disease is spreading. Scary Clown is trying to spin it all.

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ICE is being sent into sanctuary cities to cause trouble for immigrants.

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You have to check out Horse girl with Alison Brie, Molly Shannon and Matthew Gray Gubler on Netflix .

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Rapper Larry Sanders AKA LV is letting us in on a miscarriage of justice he has had to live thru. LV, best known for his work on Coolio’s Gangsters Paradise, was approached by police and later put on the Calgang database. The practice put about 80,000 mostly African Americans on a sort of gang list. In a 2016 audit it was found that there were many inaccuracies including the names of babes who could not possibly be gang affiliated.

*****

Nature does not need people. People need nature. –Harrison Ford

*****

The Clark bar is back. The roll out has started in Pittsburgh and will soon spread across the country.

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Scientists have found some turtle fossils that are the size of a car in South America.

*****

U can donate to the Trump campaign and may win a yaqut and hunting trip with Don Jr. The Beach Boys will perform.

*****

The Oscars were held Feb. 9. Brad Pitt and the production design team won for Once upon a Time in Hollywood. Woo Hoo! Word is that Pitt has hired a speech writer to write his acceptances. JoJo Rabbit won for adapted screenplay. Little Women won for Little Women and Toy Story 4 for animated film. Laura Dern won best supporting actress. Renee Zellweger and Joaquin Phoenix too home the top actor prizes. Parasite surprised everybody and won best pic and got Bong Joon Ho a best director statue. My best dressed were Billy Porter, Antonio Banderes and his date, Janelle Monae ( her opening seemed to make some in the audience uncomfortable), Robert DeNiro, Laura Dern, Diane Ladd, Geena Davis, Regina King, Charlize Theron, Adam Driver, Joanne Tucker, Cynthia Erivo, Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman and Kathy Bates, I don’t know what Kristen Wiig and Idina Menzel were thinking. Wiig always has a unique style so I have to admire that. ** The ratings were down. I have heard people saying they just don’t watch award shows or late night shows anymore because they are afraid things will get political. Funny, that is part of the reason I watch!

*****

Tom Papa was pontificating about a real dog show that should have REAL dogs. It would make a great weekly show with people bringing on their dogs.

*****

The goalies of the Hurricanes were out of commission and David Ayres, the Zamboni driver was brought in to help and the won against the Maple Leafs. Woo Hoo!!

*****

Hooray for New Hampshire and their use of paper ballots. Things in the campaign got a little shook up with Bernie taking the top followed by Pete and Amy.

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2 years of research in Canada has brought the announcement of a new discovery. Skull fragments  that were cleaned and collected about 10 years ago have been named Thanatotheristes or the reaper of death. The discovery helps us all learn more about the early times of Tyrannosaurids, a sub group that includes T.Rex.

*****

New Jersey has a ban on self- serve pumps and another state is talking about getting in on the action.  The gas station attendant act has been proposed in Illinois.

*****

Van Jones was right when he said we shouldn’t give Trump any press coverage for a week. He would hate it. Trump loves the old adage of bad publicity is better than none because he just must have attention. It would never work for they just can’t resist.** Joe Mcguire is out after he warned of Russian interference. If you want to keep your job in this administration, do not tell the truth. Now at the Department of National Intelligence is Johnny Mcentee , a 29 year old former football player who worked on the campaign. He immediately called department heads and said he wanted lists of never Trumpers in their offices. ** And who is in charge of weeding out the people in the government who may be disloyal to Scary Clown? Well, it is none other than Virginia Thomas, wife of Supreme Court justice Clarence. She calls it the list of snakes. Trump is now saying he even wants liberal judges on the Supreme Court to recuse themselves when it comes to “Trump related cases”. It just keeps getting worse.

*****

Trump had fun in India. He should, his business has 5 projects going there right now worth 1.5 billion.

*****

Harvey Weinstein was found guilty of rape and criminal sexual assault. He was not found guilty of all the charges that included predatory behavior.

*****

Andrew Yang is a new correspondent at CNN. He tells us that he is getting word from former donors that Bloomberg is calling those big donors. Allegedly he is telling them they do not have to donate to his campaign because he can afford his own campaign but he still won’t forget them. He would like them to save their money and not give money to other democrats running either.** And I am so sick of talking heads trying to tell us to play it safe. We are not as stupid as we look, thank you!! ** Now there is a firestorm about Bernie telling the world that the education program that Castro implemented was a good thing. I understand the anger and it could not have come at a worse time and he did it to himself. BUT..  We are adults and we have to be able to talk about things as they really are, not in sound bites. Castro sucked and history teaches us that bad people do good things occasionally and good people do bad things once in a while. ** It seems that everyone was in agreement that we would all gather behind the winner of the democratic campaign to beat Trump. Suddenly when it could be Bernie, everybody is bitching.

*****

This month held 2 more Democratic debates. The Nevada debate got pretty heated. I see that Mayor Pete and Bloomberg are lefties (left handed that is). Pete always looked poised and articulate which I appreciate and he got in a good one when he mentioned that the party should choose someone who is actually a democrat.  Bernie seemed a little rattled by that. Later Pete really dressed down Amy Klobuchar and made himself look like a dick. Joe Biden jumped in with his credits occasionally but often seemed a bit lost. He slammed back that they were all talking about the health care plane he helped to create and that he himself had dealt with the Mexican President. His name came up after it was mentioned that Amy could not remember the President’s name. The gloves were off with Bloomberg as Elizabeth Warren called him out on Billionaires and NDA’s. I loved the interaction but realistically Mr. Mike can’t just release people from agreements they made in an NDA, especially if it did not involve him. Bloomberg sounded pompous and clueless about the world outside of his company. He got a moan when he said he couldn’t exactly use turbo tax and when he said he may have told a few jokes that women didn’t like. He brushed off his taxes much like Trump does. The former mayor of NY called out socialists as communists. Klobuchar had the best comeback of the night when she was told her health care plan could fit on a post it. She proclaimed that the post it was invented in her state of Minnesota. Again, there were people shouting from the audience as Joe tried to talk. C’mon give everybody an equal chance.

*****

The South Carolina debate was fiery as well. The CBS debate was hosted by Gayle King and Norah O’Donnell. Bloomberg was booed right off the bat about Russia helping Bernie but he late had many cheers. He and Biden and Steyer had some real support there. Tom Steyer was actually quite impressive and seemed well spoken.  He was the only one who brought up the impeachment. He had a great point that we all know that republicans who did not convict Trump are complicit in the Russian meddling. Then he ruined it all by being alarmist with his fear. He warned us off the former republican and the socialists. I loved Bernie’s ideas about small business’s getting in on the marijuana business and not letting big corporations taking it over. He is also the only one in debates that I have seen consistently bring up Native Americans.  Biden again kept jumping in to tell us that he did this or that. Amy disagreed about a bill he claimed to have written. Warren said “dig in” numerous times. She went for the jugular with Bloomberg when she said a former female employee of his said to “kill it” in response to her pregnancy. He denied it but it sure is memorable. She did make great points that he has given much money to Linsey Graham’s campaign as well as other republican runs including against her. BTW he also gave 2.3 mil to Rick Snyder, the Gov of Michigan after the water crisis was well known.  I love that Amy is always saying that we shouldn’t fight amongst ourselves but she just does not have the votes so she needs to go. Bernie got some boos about guns for he seems the softest in that area.

*****

Joe Biden won the South Carolina primary in a big way.

*****

Dick Van Dyke, Sarah Silverman and Public Enemy among others will be at the Bernie Sanders rally in L.A. on March 1.

*****

Just think what the 400 million that Bloomberg spent on his campaign could have done for the debt of the average American.  Instead of a campaign for a presidency that he can’t win, he could have helped so many get a leg up.

*****

I don’t understand why “respected” journalists like Chuck Todd don’t throw W H reps off the set when they disrespect him or his colleagues with fake news jabs.

*****

Bob Moore of Bob’s Red Mill is giving his company away to his employees. Now, that’s a boss!!

*****

Bone, Thugs and Harmony have made a deal with Buffalo Wild Wings to rename themselves Boneless thugs and Harmony. The publicity stunt is to promote boneless wings.

*****

NASA is hiring.

*****

Scotland has made feminine sanitary products free!!

*****

Is this true? There were pigeons in Nevada with MAGA hats glued to their heads??

*****

The final Criminal Minds has aired. CBS often aired double episodes which made it seem like they really wanted to get rid of it. Kirsten Vangsness and Erica Messer wrote the final episode which seemed to give special attention to Penelope and Reid as they were the originals. The other characters seemed a little overlooked but they all had happy endings. Where was Reid’s new girlfriend?  I was hoping to see Shemar Moore but it was great to see Reisgraf and Howell which are old favorites.

*****

Animal Kingdom returns to TNT on May 28.

*****

So there is a bit of a mess with the Roger Stone sentencing. Trump is hopping mad about the long sentence recommendation, Barr is said to be pretending to spar with the Prez, the DOJ is backing down and people are resigning.

*****

R.I.P. Shirley Jean Cade, Robert Conrad,  Katherine Johnson, Lyle Mays, B. Smith, A.E. Hotchner, Bashir Jackson, Ja’net Dubois, Pat Agee, victims of the Molson Coors shooting and Orson Bean.

[breadclubrising]

I am hearing news about Kota Ibushi actually signing with NJPW (instead of being a free bird)... does this mean... he will finally be the heavyweight champion?

OFFICIALLY, it’s still a rumor right now—we haven’t heard an official announcement from NJPW. So, because Kota… I’m going to wait until something official is announced. Keep in mind that he did the entire Cruiserweight Classic and was in NXT during that time, but still hadn’t for-sure signed in time to win the tournament. He then continued to be in NXT for a couple of months, even though he didn’t commit, and WWE kept offering him shorter contracts, better schedule flexibility, and more money. According to him, after all of that, he physically attended a secret hotel room meeting with WWE for the sole purpose of telling them no, never, and that his mind would not be changed by any money or promises they could make.

I’m not even really saying the rumor is dubious—I think it’s likely he has done exactly as he says—I’m just saying I’m gonna wait for actual official confirmation with this guy.

That said, I’m going to write a long thing about his character arc. It’s what I do.

Let’s start with the obvious: Kota Ibushi is really fucking good at wrestling. He could show up on the doorstep of any wrestling promotion in the world and be welcomed with immediate upper-card booking, open arms, and a fuckton of money. He’s just that good. He’s pretty much universally admired by other wrestlers and wrestling critics. Very few people would argue with you if you called him one of the greatest pro wrestling talents of all time.

And if breathtaking natural ability isn’t enough (it’s not), Ibushi has all the magnetism, star power, and understanding of emotion needed to make a wrestling superstar. Sure, it often gets missed or overlooked in light of his talent, and yeah, sometimes he really sucks at promos. Still, you don’t get to be ace of a company like DDT on flips alone. Don’t let the dumb jock act fool you: he’s the whole package. Let no one tell you otherwise.

In sports, a reputation like Ibushi’s usually comes with a small museum’s worth of titles, trophies, and accolades. But Ibushi doesn’t have the trophy case to back up the praise he’s earned. And that’s because in most sports, talent usually translates directly to winning and becoming legendary—but not wrestling.

Because, of course, in wrestling, the outcomes of matches are not decided by talent, they’re chosen based on the best interests of the wrestling promotion. Ibushi has been a freelancer since 2016, which neatly coincides with when he stopped winning stuff. 

Because he’s just that good, he’s gotten far better booking than most freelancers could ever dream of. But he hasn’t gotten serious pushes, because no matter how talented someone is, it ultimately doesn’t make good business sense for a wrestling promotion to have a champion who only works for himself, to invest money and reputation in someone who can’t—explicitly will not—promise your promotion a return on your investment. Which is why Ibushi’s trophy case is so empty compared to his reputation.

He obviously knows all these dots are connected. Titles never really mattered to him, back when he had titles more often. Now, he knows the reputation he has, and he knows that all he has to do is want to be the best in the world. Ibushi doesn’t love making choices, but this one he cannot avoid: achievement or freedom. His dazzling talent grants him access to both, to an extent that’s simply not available to others. And he’s actually had a really impressive amount of cake-and-eating-it-too as a freelancer; much more than most could hope for.

But since 2016, he’s deliberately chosen freedom, knowing that the cost is achievement. 

The truth is, when you’re as talented as Kota Ibushi is, sometimes your gifts feel like a burden. No matter what you want out of life, your talent is so obvious and striking that it demands you account for what you’re doing with it, both to yourself and to other people. Your talent is bigger than whatever it is that your heart wants, and you will be obligated to answer for that, to yourself and others, constantly—wherever you go and whatever you do. And that will remain true even if fulfilling your potential has a cost you don’t want to pay.

Ask Kota Ibushi. His amazing talent meant that NJPW and DDT were both willing to give him full-time contracts at the same time; he was the first wrestler to have two home promotions. Someone as good as he is almost has to accomplish unprecedented things like that, right? No one else can, and no one else would be allowed to even try—who else would be worth that level of accommodation; two promotions both willing to not only have a guy who spends half his time making money for a rival promotion, but both push him as far as he wants to go, and work their scheduling so he could successfully maintain two schedules? And even before that, he won Best of the Super Juniors as an outsider. He was the first. He was the only one. He did that. 

Buuut, the cost of fulfilling that amazing potential was his mental and emotional wellbeing. For one, it meant he had to give up one of the things that made him happiest—being a Golden Lover. For another, his life was not his own. He later said that he learned that even one schedule is incredibly draining for him, and that one of the hardest things was how little emotional investment he was able to give his performances and the storylines happening in each promotion. 

His surgery in late 2015, the reason he left both DDT and NJPW, was for a cervical disc injury he’d been living with for a while. It probably sucked, but it was also a way out of his contracts, because the bigger and more grindingly burdensome issue was that he was horribly emotionally and mentally burned out from answering to two promotions. 

In other words, to Ibushi: dismal failure. Leaving your job for mental health reasons in Japan is not a thing. He felt like he just couldn’t hack it, didn’t deserve the acclaim he receives. In his mind, he’d failed his fans and critics, and exposed himself for being the flaky, emotionally weak weirdo he always saw in the mirror. When he was well enough to wrestle again, he left Japan, a bit humbled and humiliated. If being exceptional in Japan didn’t work, maybe just one contract, but with the world’s largest and most famous wrestling promotion, home to the majority of history’s greats, would be a way to live up to all of that potential.

And just like NJPW and DDT did, WWE was willing to make accommodations they rarely make for anyone else—a major reason WWE organized the Cruiserweight Classic was to try to sign him. Not only did they famously beg him as I noted above, they offered him contract flexibility—WWE does not do that; the vast majority of WWE contracts are quite exclusive. They let it be a pretty open secret that Kota Ibushi was definitely going be the ace and crown jewel of their new Cruiserweight division. And when he didn’t sign in time to win the tournament he was going to win (if he’d signed), they didn’t tell him to fuck off. They let him stay as long as he was willing to entertain the idea of signing. 

But he ran up against the same problem: he doesn’t do well in a tightly-controlled, heavily scheduled environment. So he told WWE no, definitely not, never. And he went home, forced to come to terms with the fact that some people can handle the schedules that come with a full-time contract, but for him, it’s too emotionally taxing. 

So this perception of him that’s out there, that ‘haha that’s our fantastic dolphin son, what a ~free spirit,’ is a little unfair.  Dude isn’t a freelancer because he’s flighty, unserious, or afraid of commitment. He’s a freelancer because he quickly gets burnt out when he has to follow someone else’s rules/schedule, and his talent gives him the privilege of naming his price. It’s not that he just doesn’t feel like being serious, it’s that he hates his life when he has the kind of commitments that come with a full-time contract. When he talked about saying no to WWE, he said “I don’t wrestle for the money anyway.” That didn’t mean I don’t care about money because I love wrestling, it meant I literally can’t function as a person if I start to think of wrestling as the thing I do to get money.

That means that when he came back to Japan in late 2016, he did so on his own terms, because that was the only way he could. His solution to the problem of burnout and emotional health has been controlling his own time; deciding where, how much, and how he works (he has a school now apparently, and he does stunt work on the side too). 

But now, as the grim march of time eventually comes for all of us, his back is to the wall and he knows: if he ever wants the titles to match his talent, if he wants wrestling history to remember him as something other than a could-have-been, it’s now or never. 

So, it’s now. He’s clenching his teeth, apologizing to Tana, going back into Serious Wrestling Star mode. He even said last night that he’s still trying to get his feet back under him, and IMO that’s because he’s still readjusting to being Professional Working Guy again. ‘Cause that’s who wins titles, and he knows that now.

Back in baby Golden Lover days, Kenny looked at Kota and saw all the things he wasn’t: natural, easy talent, and the booking to match it. Kenny was jealous and felt lesser; he worried he’d be a footnote in the history of Kota Ibushi. So when the Golden Lovers broke up, Kenny chose achievement, and achieve he did. Now, Kenny has a legacy: a huge pile of best bouts, worldwide fame, a name that will never be forgotten by wrestling history. The only titles he hasn’t held in NJPW are the NEVER Openweight Championship and the Heavyweight Tag Team Championship.

Now, Kota looks at Kenny and sees someone who didn’t have the burden of obvious easy talent, but did do all of the things you’d expect of someone who did. He’s not jealous like Kenny was, but he thinks: what have I done with what I’ve been given? Kota hasn’t held a Heavyweight singles title in NJPW. Kenny’s had all of them. Kota feels overshadowed now, irony of ironies.

Now, Kenny’s choosing freedom, and Kota’s choosing achievement. But it’s not a simple swap, because there’s a third element here: happiness. Both Golden Lovers are quite obviously happiest when they’re together. The first time they were apart, they both tried to fill the void where happiness belonged; Kenny with achievement, Kota with freedom. Then, they came back together, and happiness was so important to Kenny that in the end, when he won the biggest prize, he managed to tell a story in which all that he sacrificed and fought for was ultimately, distantly, secondary in importance to being happy. 

Now they’re apart again, but don’t mistake it for the same story. Before, they thought they could replace happiness with personal fulfillment. They learned, after years of unhappiness, that they couldn’t. This time, the Golden Lovers aren’t under any illusions that they’re going to replace happiness with what they’re doing instead. Bittersweetly, the lesson is the same as before, but from the other direction: personal fulfillment isn’t compatible with happiness right now. Now, both of them are setting their sights on accomplishment, but it seems pretty clear that they’re doing so with the intention of being back together as soon as they can be. 

Serious Wrestle Guy is explicitly not personally happy. But Ibushi’s at his best when he’s happy, even if he’s not winning titles. Titles make him feel fulfilled, and he needs that, but being a Golden Lover makes him happy, and I think he’ll always return there, and so will Kenny.

In fact, I’d guess that’s why there’s been no announcement about Kota’s contract: even from the interview posted the other day, there were some allusions to the possibility of working with Kenny again in the future. I would imagine that NJPW is still trying to figure out their relationship with Kenny, and Kota’s still trying to figure out how involved he can be with AEW. (I think I just outed myself as a Golden Lovers Truther—yeah, I think it’s somewhat likely that they’re an IRL couple, and as many IRL wrestling couples do, they’re working on separate continents.) My guess is Kota’s contract won’t be final until those details are ironed out. I don’t think they’d do all that work to get back together only to close and seal the door on it.

Only time will tell, but Kota hasn’t changed: fundamentally, he is still motivated by happiness. It’s just that he was happy long enough to know he can have it forever if he wants it, but he only has a few more years to get the trophy case his talent demands, to be the Kota Ibushi he thinks wrestling history deserves.

[thelifestyleeditor]

I HEART WORK

Who are you: Chris Tonnesen

What do you do: I’m a photographer.

Where can we find you? Website | Instagram

Describe your work in 5 words? Food, interiors, travel, sweat and tears!

Can you tell us a little about what you do? I work as a freelance photographer and work primarily with food and interior photography. I am based in Copenhagen and most of my clients are from here, but I also work with international clients.

What took you on the road to being a photographer? It wasn’t a straight road - it took me a few years to figure out that photography was where I would find my passion. I recently looked at a 9th grade school paper on what I thought I would study and it said cookery. In high school, I always played around with my Mum's point-and-shoot camera, manipulating the images into obscurity in a hacked version of Photoshop. No one told me photography was something you could study, or in any way, was a desirable career path. So I went on to study in a business college - it lasted a year! That year I only kept my sanity because I bought my first DSLR camera and started photographing concerts on most weekends. At the end of my second semester, a friend of mine said she was moving to Copenhagen to study photography, and that was when it clicked – photography was something you could study, something you could do for a career! No one had ever told me that. So I quit college, packed my bags, and went to study it in Copenhagen. I ended up discovering that within photography there was a magical thing called food photography, this was my second click – I’ve not looked back since!

Where is your office/studio and what is the view out of your window? My studio is on the outskirts of Copenhagen, in the up-and-coming North West area – outside my window is an old factory-like backyard with a mix of mostly mechanics and a few small creative businesses.

What is the first thing you do when you get to work/a shoot? The first thing I do when I get to the office is sit down and meditate for 20 minutes. Spending the time this way helps me sort out the day, my energy, and start off with a clear view. After that I drink coffee, black!

Describe a typical day at work? There is none, which is amazing! I do typically try and get home before 6pm so I can relax and recharge – work/life balance is very important to me. I normally either have clients coming to the studio for a day of photography, or I am going on location. Otherwise, it’s an office day were I edit images from shoots, sort through emails, drink loads of coffee and do all the other work required as a photographer.

What cameras do you like to use? I have always worked with Canon, and for the moment I use the 5DSR with an array of Canon and Sigma Primes. My favorite is the 85mm/1.2L from Canon, it’s a little fiddly and requires some room to manoeuvre – but I love the sharpness and how it pulls everything together nice and tight. For travel I have a Fuji X-T2 which is a little lighter and easier to carry around. You feel a little less intrusive with it because it’s smaller, which can be great when doing travel photography.

What can’t you work without? My huge Gitzo carbon tripod with a gear head. It’s heavy and big, and a pain to drag around – but there is no obstacle it can’t overcome or table it won’t fit over. It can become almost 3m high and I will love it until I die of a broken back!

Why do you love what you do? Mostly because I get to work with the things I love mostly – food and photography. But also because I get to meet so many inspiring people, whether it’s the incredible stylists I work with regularly, the chefs in kitchens who rock their world, or people who are in some way experts within their own craft. In these meetings an incredible synergy can arise, and it’s such an amazing way to work.

One shoot you won’t forget and why? A few years back I went to the Faroe Islands at the end of November to work with Restaurant Koks. It’s the most dramatic place I have ever visited, and the rough nature reflected instantly on the trip – from the highs to the lows! The sun rose at 9.30am and set at 3pm, so there really wasn’t any daylight to work with and that was hard on me because it was early in my career. But those lows were lifted by the amazing highs of the beautiful countryside, the amazing people, both locals and the staff at Koks, and how amazing the photos turned out. It really was a rite of passage and it’s a trip I will never forget.

Who or what inspires you? At this very moment I am deeply inspired by the woods, all the brown and burned colours and tones. I can always find inspiration in nature and I try to connect with it as often as I can, whether by a stroll in a park or by diving into the cold oceans for spearfishing. But sometimes a direct inspiration can also force you to be inspired by the opposite. Mostly, natural light, soft shadows and toned down hues are my go-to, but sometimes I also get so tired of it that I just HAVE to do hard light and strong colours. Yin and yang I suppose!

What is the best advice you have received? It sounds stupid saying it’s the best advice, but my old master Line Klein always said, “Never discriminate the rich, if they want to pay you a lot, let them”! It can be hard to put a price on your own head, but it’s good to sometimes tell yourself that your work can be worth more than you think. Having a few well-paying gigs can free you up a bit to work on more fun and lesser-paid jobs.

One moment in your career you will always remember? The day I started as a freelancer and had to start from scratch, figure everything out and digging out that big green button that said GO. That moment where you realise this is it...that will probably stay with me for a long time.

What is the best part of your job? Getting to eat amazing food and discuss it with the chef right there and then.

And the worst? Answering a load of emails forcing you to look at the screen all day.

What’s your proudest career achievement? The book project ‘On Eating Insects’ with Nordic Food Lab published on Phaidon. A book created with the most talented people and with an approach that is more than consumerism.

Which phrase do you overuse? “We’ll make it work, don’t worry!”

What single thing would improve the quality of your life? Probably an assistant or student to help with the workload. There is always more to do than you are aware of - I always feel just a bit behind.

What have you learned the hard way? Small tripod and big cameras don’t match – they will topple over at some point!

If you could do another job what would you like to do and why? Coming back to that 9th grade paper – I would work with food, no doubt anymore.

What advice would you give to someone wanting to be a photographer? Follow your passion whether it be food or fashion – and work at it hard. Find some people you can work with �� my career kick-started by working with a restaurant pop-up group for free for two years.

Can you tell us about any other projects you have in the pipeline? I have just finished shooting a vegetarian cookbook that has turned out amazing, its called Flere Kødfri Dage (More Meatfree Days), and a book on baking with Meyers. I am also doing a big commercial shoot in Oslo with Northern alongside my most favourite and trusted stylist Per Olav Sølvberg. I also plan on doing a lot more with wildlife chef Adam Engel, more food in nature please!

Any favourite Instagram feeds you are enjoying at the moment? I’m trying to cut back on Instagram, so I will have to decline to answer. Alternatively, I’m really enjoying reading the Swedish magazine Fool.

If you could be someone for a day who would it be? I’d be Christopher McCandless (he was featured in the film Into The Wild), just before he over-reached his abilities in Alaska – I think he must have experienced freedom like few do.

How do you spend your downtime? I love hanging out with my girlfriend...she is amazing! Going into nature foraging and cooking. I practice free-diving twice a week to wind down and because it is the most amazing feeling going into the ocean with nothing but a big breath. And late at night I melt my brain with HBO or Netflix!

Can you give us a great tip on how to take better photographs? If you are new to it, then try using indirect natural light which is easy to use and allows you to focus on your composition and technique, instead of a complicated light setting. Read up on composition; rule of thirds, golden ratio, dynamics and suchlike.

What would you like to be doing in five years time? Working as a photographer still...what else?! Maybe living very close to the ocean and forests.

If you had an extra hour each day what would you do with it? I’d spend it with the people I love, the people who inspire me - getting fueled up on the stuff that isn’t work related.

What’s your personal motto? Photography isn’t life and death, we’ll make it work!

How would you like to be remembered? As a guy with a smile on my face, always.

Thank you Chris for talking to The Lifestyle Editor.

[eris0330]

Undisclosed (Stigma S. 2) | One

☽Pairing☾ ; Jin | Reader

☽Genre☾ ; Angst | Fluff 

☽Word Count☾ ; 1.9k

☽Summary☾ ; You and Jin decided to flee from your controlling lives, to live in freedom and start fresh. Even though you got to travel around and explore new things together, old habits never seem to disappear. 

☽AU☾ ; Escort | Mafia 

☽Notes☾ ; Part Two (Soon)

“Sir, the stats for the co-operation with EVR has been increasing, after your plea for the first deal.” A tall young man, with rounded silver glasses and a perfect black suit. Standing by the entrance, for the only biggest office in the building. Platinum and gold, displayed on walls and desk, while the logo of LV taking all the attention on the wall. Holding onto his notepad of various tasks and important information, he waited to be left off to do the rest while Taehyung stood by the windows, taking in the view of the active city.

“Good, make sure they only have this offer or LV won’t be a part of the ‘Diamond project. Oh… and also mention that they won’t be able to get the same quality elsewhere, than here.” Taehyung sounded determent, knowing exactly how the business world works. Being in the CEO position for more than a year, he knew what to say and do, when it came to manipulation. Even though, it was more or less just regular business meetings.

“Is there anything else I can help with, before I continue my tasks, Sir?” The young manager questioned, ready with his red pen to note down his extra tasks. Taehyung didn’t seem faced by it but did acknowledge his hard work from time to time. Knowing what it’s like, to follow around someone for more than twelve hours a day, it felt only right to give the young worker some free time.

“No, not for now. I’ll be out of reach the next few hours, I’m expecting a call from someone.” He replied, rubbing his chin as if it helped on his messy thoughts.

“Did they arrive today from their trip?” The manager questioned in curiosity, knowing the friendship between the previous ‘CEO’. Taehyung could only manage a chuckle, with the greatest boxy smile to add onto his facial expression. “Hah no, they arrived a few days ago. But today, I have a feeling I will hear from him.” He whispered, turning around to face the younger man.

“why is that?” It wasn’t a surprise, that his manager asked these types of questions. In fact, it felt like talking to himself. It was the small conversations that kept Taehyung’s mind on a clear path, to hold onto something that showed what’s outside of the building. Tugging his hands into his pockets, he took a deep breath before another smile ravished his expression.

“Because today, they are officially moving into a house together”

“Be careful now, it’s heavy!” Jin yelled from downstairs with his head peeking in from the entrance, as you stood halfway towards the second floor. Holding tightly onto the biggest vase you could find in the shop, for your beloved plant to stay in. There was nothing holding you back, getting the vase that is just the same size as you. Though, Jin wasn’t fond of the idea getting it and told you that he wouldn’t help moving it, if you got it. But as for now, he’s the only one biting nails if you were going to get hurt in the process of moving it. His pride nagging at him, as he unconsciously checked up on you.

“Stop worrying about me! I’m-an-independent-woman-for-christ-sake” Each words spoken as every step surpassed under your feet, with tiny sweat drops ready to fall, knowing it will sting if it got in your eyes. You didn’t want to admit, that letting this vase fall on the ground was almost worth it but knowing that Jin would never stop pestering, if you did so, you decided to stick with it.

“Seriously Y/N, did you really need that big vase?” He questioned, watching you settle yourself on the double bed in the room, to accomplish the task of moving one vase. His obnoxious smirk getting you, as he leaned against the door frame with folded arms. A decisive eyebrow rises, making it official that he’s ready to fight.

“Seriously Jin, did you really need that big mirror?” You remarked, pointing towards the golden framed mirror by the other side of the room, facing the bed. Knowing that only a few minutes ago, you helped him move it and set it up. It was bigger than Jin, actually it could barely fit into the entrance. His expression faltering, but still kept his teasing smile, he swayed his arms into the air as if he gave up.

“Well, sorry for giving my ‘girlfriend’ the opportunity to see her gorgeous self on an everyday basis, in a 250x210 cm sized mirror” He chuckled, walking over to lay on the bed beside you. Shoulders touching and the same ceiling looking down, while you both took a break together. Being around him for so long, meant that you two were almost like two peas in a pod. Every day, there were always one of you that started to tease each other about something. It was like medicine and sometimes, it felt competitive to know who would back down first. To some people, you both seemed like a new-born couple and according to the papers on the house, you’re basically stated as one. But in reality, you’re nothing more than friends. The landlord only rented the house out to couples and to get less gossip around the new town, you decided to play it off well. Though, it also meant to act like one in public, that sometimes were taken home without knowing. None of you went over the barrier of close friends, because timing was never right and the fear of making everything awkward after what you both have been building the past year. Fishing out your phone, you checked for new messages and thankfully, to not put it down in shame, there was a notification right in front of your eyes.

“Is it him?” Jin questioned, rolling onto his side as he leaned on his elbow to settle himself comfortably, watching you reply in lighting speed.

“Yeah, he’s bored, again” You smiled fondly, remembering the way he would text you when everything became dull. It’s been too long after you left with Jin, but it never stopped you from keeping contact, for security reasons.

“While you’re at it, tell him that you lost his precious snapback on the Maldives.” Jin spoke softly, with a hint of playfulness behind it. Eyeing his expression, you just huffed while pausing to think about if it were really worth it.

“I didn’t exactly lose it on purpose, you know” You sighed, remembering the heat beating the crap out of you and the only thing holding you in the sun, was Yoongi’s precious snapback.

“You could have hold onto it tighter when we went into the cave” Another teasing comment, making you puff your cheeks that you knew he ‘adored’ so much. The way you reacted to his words, was the greatest thing he knew. That’s why, he couldn’t stop teasing you.

“Well, too late to tell me that now Mr. lost-my-swim-shorts-in-the-cliff-dive” You chuckled as you sent your reply, with an added message of the forever lost snapback and seeing his cheeks flush like a cherry blossom. Eyes showing regret and shame, remembering the awful news of his dark blue shorts in the ocean.

“ONE. TIME. LET. ME. LIVE.” Falling into a fit of laughter, he facepalmed further into despair. And so, you loved his reactions to your teasing comments. It was like a match made in heaven, if it wasn’t for the deep secret you held from each other.

“In the Maldives???” Merely shocked, Yoongi couldn’t understand why you had his snapback in the first place, but losing it…on the Maldives? That was a whole another thing.

“Suga, the AKL, SWL, OPM, LUV and BG has been accepting the idea of a trade for MDMO™” A man in his ripped jeans and black tee, he scribbled down the newcomer groups and the trade for the next few weeks, that were going to be worldwide. As a man who was a leader, for the biggest international trading group, or for some people, a mafia group, he was the one to decide what is going to happen, with the consequences incoming.

“MDMO™ is not the easiest to get my hands on, but let’s see if they will give the right price for it to circle around. 200 G/200 Pills, $8000. No less.” Yoongi stated, putting his phone back into his pocket, where it should have been all day but the business going around, were not interesting enough to pay attention to. The younger man nodded to get the right price noted down, not even flinching of the idea. MDMO™ is the most popular sex drug around and it was mainly used by Mafia groups with Hookers, Escorts, Trafficking girls and Masseuses. For good causes, was never the case, which is why it had to be done underground. That’s where UWT (Underground world trader) stands in and knows the right contacts, to make the trade happen without the fuss of jail time. Yoongi hated the idea of owning a mafia group at first but being in the top ten, changed his mind.

“Yoongi. C-1 hasn’t responded their second threat. They have 25 days left, to pay $30.000. If not, the last and third threat will be delivered.” A taller silhouette, dark brown hair and perfect hazel eyes with the right scent of a man. His brows narrowing of the idea, that his job consisted of being a huge threat due to his strength and aura, but that’s what kept him going to see you once in a while.

“Third time’s a charm, Jungkook.” Yoongi muttered while massaging his temples, getting the list of people that hasn’t paid off their loan. It was to no surprise, that Jungkook would come back with either a light blood stain on his clothes. The amount of deep threats with punches was sometimes necessary, making the reminder of a due date clear as ice. He didn’t like it, but it also gave him the power of being in control.

“I hope so. I’d hate to not let his daughter grow up with a father, if he hasn’t already succeded that with his gambling problem.” Jungkook spat, feeling the anger build in his veins that were once calm. He has probably seen more fallen men get into the despair of gambling, sex, violence and drugs, that he didn’t need any of it. He stood by, watching the family fall apart.

“Don’t get attached, Jungkook. That’s not why I let you be a part of UWT” Yoongi replied firmly, putting down the notepad of names that were going to get threats, just for that day. Giving each other a sharp eye, Jungkook sighed in annoyance. Out of all people, Yoongi were there to help Jungkook get an education in sports therapy, specifically of the human body, to know what hurts and what wouldn’t cause the biggest damage of the surface. At first, working for Yoongi, it was nothing more than a gesture of thanks. But after a while, Jungkook grew to like being a part of what’s hidden from the public, especially if he gets to see you too. It was the thrill and treats, he grew to love.

“I know. Did you hear from her yet?” Pursing his lips into a thin line, expecting good news with a bit of eagerness in his vocals. Curious, as always, he asked about you. It didn’t surprise Yoongi, in fact, a lot of things doesn’t surprise him anymore. Giving the youngest a playful smile, while holding up the phone screen to display in front of the delightful hazel eyes. With hint of shock to Jungkook’s expression, he raised a brow reading the message you had sent.

“I have a task for you, again.” Yoongi whispered. Yet, it was clear to Jungkook’s ears and his interest was peaked.

[miminomadic]

Coca State of Mind

I am currently reading a book written by a guy who crossed the Amazon jungle living off a backpack all by himself. It’s his story about this risky endeavour and the motivation behind. He starts off in Quito, Ecuador on a bike and continues crossing the whole South American continent from West to East coast on canoe and on foot. 

The book immediately transported me back to the 18th of January this year when I landed in Quito and started off my Ecuadorian adventures. It brought back the epic memory of reaching the Cotopaxi glacier at over 5000m above sea level, the second highest active volcano in the world, and going downhill on a mountain bike afterwords.  Developing some crazy speed in between these majestic vistas guaranteed ending the day on an absolute high. I can’t imagine a better way to go down a volcano.

One of the most memorable places from this trip however is the town of Coca, where the protagonist of the book also spends some time trying to buy a canoe from the local indigenous communities. 

I landed in Coca after spending some of the best time of my life in the absolute Neverland - the Galapagos. I don’t know why I chose Coca to be the gateway to my Amazon experience in Ecuador. Maybe simply because I found the name cool. I had done little research about the city itself as I knew that I am not going to spend more than one or two nights in it. I would use it just as a brief stop to organise a stay in the jungle with one of the local communities on the spot. When I travel I live day by day and rarely have anything planned in advance. I love it because it gives me the absolute freedom to stay longer in places that I like or move farther and discover places I had not even intended to go to in the first place. If I had done more research or spoken to other travellers about it, I would have probably not come to Coca. I am glad I did though.

After leaving my backpack in the hotel I had booked before jumping on the flight this very morning, I set off to see the town and look for a guide or an agency that organises stays and explorations in the Amazon. From the basic and quite empty hotel I was already noticing that this was not a very popular place. The few people I passed walking towards the main plaza were all from various indigenous groups. Very few mestizos and zero Western-looking people. I had entered a completely different world and suddenly I felt foreign. An exciting and somewhat uneasy emotion at the same time. The curious and not really friendly looks of the passers-by were wondering what is this woman looking for here. I was actually desperately looking for a place to have coffee without much luck. Turns out coffee is not really a thing in the Amazon so I bought some heavenly delicious mango from a man on the central plaza as an alternative. I sat there for a while watching local life unfold. Coca town was nothing special so far. Just square and similar looking streets with people going about their daily business selling and buying stuff or just drinking. Poverty and alcoholism among indigenous communities being forced out of their ancestral lands are unfortunately common and sadly noticeable here too. Everyone around in the basic street eateries was having ceviche with beers or some sort of large grilled fish or meat although it was still morning..I gave up the idea of a coffee and continued walking around. 

Turns out there were just two “agencies” offering jungle exploration. Agencies is a bit of a stretch as one of them consisted of a desk on the pavement with a very young girl behind an old desktop computer who could not explain very well what they were actually offering. I was also quoted the crazy price of over $400 or $500 for a three-day stay in Spartan conditions on Shuar territory. So the second place it was! They were next to each other anyway. The other agency was expensive too and everything looked kind of shady so I was starting to wonder whether to travel to the other town I had read about that serves as I getaway to the Amazon and maybe try to organise something from there instead. The town in question is Tena situated about 200kms Southwest of Coca. However, it could take me many hours to get there. There might be fallen trees on the way and the bus can easily get stuck somewhere on the road too. Travelling through the rainforest is slow and can be very unpredictable and I would lose one full day for sure even in perfect circumstances. I was walking around looking at a map wondering what to do next. I also called the numbers of some guides I had but only one answered and he was quite far down the current of the Río Napo towards the border with Peru. If I stayed in Coca, there was only one option really - leave the next morning and spend three days with the Shuar community accompanied by a guide and the only other person that happened to be there at this same time wanting to explore the jungle, a Czech plumber living in London who spoke neither Spanish nor English well! This was gonna be interesting..! It would be just the two of us, a guide and a few locals in a secluded hut in the rainforest. I did not want to lose another day so I decided to go for it. It was expensive due to the fact that we were just two but after the Galapagos I had stopped counting. Every cent so far had been absolutely worth it and I would certainly not start thinking of saving on entering one of the most biodiverse places on the Planet, el Parque Nacional Yasuní. Yep, that is where we were heading off to the next morning.

After it was all set and done, I decided to pay a visit to the local market for lunch as it was already late afternoon. This turned out to be like coming back in time at least a couple of decades, if not even more. The market encompasses an open space with a palm roof situated almost on the shore of the mighty Río Napo - a tributary to the Amazon river. People around here have only lived on what this very river and the rainforest have to offer for millennia and I think the menu had not changed much. There were just three things being sold on every of the 30 or so stalls around. It felt so weird that every stall offered exactly the same thing but hey! the jungle is not a supermarket after all. Neither it’s a place of plenty where exotic fruit just hangs out there waiting to be picked as many people might think. For every barely edible plant, there is like a gazillion other species that will try to get it first. Getting food here requires work and skills. 

I made a full circle followed by the eyes of the families standing behind the fires. Again, I was the only foreigner here at this time. All the sellers were representatives of different indigenous communities and everyone was staring at me. The three things being sold on every stall were fish from the Río Napo wrapped and grilled inside a palm leaf, grilled palm larvae on a stick which I learned were called mayones, and to drink agua de guayusa - a herb from the area that is believed to be almost magical and have numerous health benefits. That was it, basic and fresh. I decided to leave the mayones for another time, or possibly never (had to try them eventually though) and ate the fish with my hands under the stares of the market people. Being so observed did not feel very comfortable nor welcoming but in the end I was studying these people too. The rainforest is certainly not a comfortable place so the sensation was spot on. We embodied two different worlds colliding and I so pray that the world in which I grew up does not destroy theirs more than it already did. 

The Amazon remains, in many parts, the least explored place on Earth and the home of the last people living according to the laws and in harmony with Nature. I was beginning to grasp what an absolute honour and privilege it is to be here and learn from them.

[inopinion]

I'd love to hear your thoughts on Gisa Barrow. Gilorn? How will she further grow and mature? Her relationship with Mare? Se seems to me too under-analyzed.

Gisa Barrow… my analysis….and this gets long.

She’s the youngest child, Mare is 18, she is 15. Bree, the oldest brother is about 23. When Bree was conscripted she was 10. But she was also already an apprentice. When she found her job, it was probably already clear that Mare, Shade, and Tramy would all be conscripted and not apprenticed. Considering only Mare and Shade adhered to their education enough to be literate, I don’t think we can call the Barrow family conventionally motivated.

Gisa…

At 10, she had a job, responsibilities, and we can assume a long commute which she did on her own every day. This probably made her feel important and distinguished in the family. By 15, it’s a hardship and a duty that she does for everyone else - as Mare observes when she follows her sister to Sommerton in Red Queen. Gisa lives that life alone. She can’t confide in her closest sibling - seeing as how Mare only comes to understand the burden during that walk. Her mother is tender towards her, but may not have any helpful suggestions or experiences. And her father is emotionally unavailable and homebound. Gisa probably takes on a lot of the emotional labor for her family. She’s not really allowed to have complaints - she’s not going to be conscripted. She’s gifted. She’s an example. She has no worries or problems…

Except that she does. She is a young girl growing up with her mistress to guide her and a family to support. She has to mind her own business, be courteous, and stay out of everyone’s way if she wants to make it to a level that she can open her own shop / move out of the apprentice role. There is a lot of pressure on Gisa to carry the family. She may end up being the only surviving child. Her parents will depend on her more as they age. All this must weigh on her and it’s probably why she’s not the most vocal of the siblings.

I imagine Gisa… watching Mare sleep in when she’s getting dressed in the morning and wishing she could roll over.

Coming home late because she had to finish a job and missed the barge and had to walk the 10 miles home. And her mother has dinner set aside on a plate, but it’s cold and after 10 miles, not enough to crush her hunger. Handing over her pay to her parents to buy rations, occasionally thinking about saving some up for herself, but then the price of milk goes up.

Falling asleep in minutes because her body is tired and her mind is mud. Her fingers are sore, and she’s calculating the proportions of the next day’s piece. And proportions are easier to think about with her eyes closed. And then they’re open for another day, another walk, another steady stitch in an endless pattern.

She sits and looks out the window, watching Mare and Kilorn elbowing each other, mud-faced and beaming after an evening on the river banks and a night out pick-pocketing. She watches him watch her sister like a love-drunk fool and Mare laughs at his jokes and snidely snipes back. She wishes she were in on their inside jokes, but she’d have to actually live along side them for that to happen.

Mare resents Gisa because their mother often uses her as an example. When Mare’s being a jerk or hard headed, Gisa can’t help but agree–she is the daughter that best meets their parent’s expectations. But she also looks at her older sister and sees things she wishes she had: independence, freedom, a liberal and loquacious mouth, an ease of self and a confidence that isn’t even shaken by their mother’s often-angry diatribes. Frankly, the rift between her and her sister is created by her parents and their situations. It becomes easier to not address her desires to be like her sister and instead to sit stead-fast on the elevation provided to her by society. It doesn’t mean she looks down on her, and frankly, Mare is the only other sibling contributing to the household and those extra rations ease the pressure off Gisa a little bit.

Kilorn is the only non-family male she ever really gets to see or know or interact with. He’s almost like her friend… almost. Except she doesn’t have friends. She doesn’t have time.And he smiles at her and looks at the practice pieces her mistress sends her home to sew. Kilorn relies on her for repairs to his trousers and they smell of him as she patches the knee. And she doesn’t know how talk to him because there’s no one for her to practice talking with, or even to develop a more obtainable crush.

Kilorn is 18, she is 15, but when he’s 23 and she is twenty, three years won’t seem so much. But with Mare at the war, he won’t come by, not to see her–that would be silly. And that hurts her deep between the shoulder blades. When Mare is gone, she’ll be more than alone, she’ll be completely disconnected.

That’s what Gisa is… an outsider hanging on by a loose connection. Her destiny is as consigned as her siblings conscription. And if she doesn’t just get up and go to work, and match colors and patterns to order, she has time to think about all the things she barely has and how exactly she’ll lose them. When that happens, it’s not enough to be the preferred daughter or the gifted one. When that happens, she has to get tough and pull herself together, because no one will understand the daughter crying at home when the others could be dying.

Until her hand is smashed. And then, she doesn’t even bring anything of worth to her family. She’s another burden, and she may even be a child that will go to die. Mare getting the job at the palace flips their positions. She struggles seeing her parents happy and relieved and proud of Mare when she no longer has anything to get the praise which has been so consistent. It’s a deeply depressing time.

Until her brothers are back… well, most of them… and they bring the promise of money, pensions, an easier life. Alarmingly, Gisa wasn’t included in the “lottery” which means she could still be sent to war, but that’s three years off and maybe she can sort out something until then.

And then, they exit Nortan society. And every pattern of her life has been unstitched and torn from the fabric. They are fleeing. They have nothing. They have no control. But, she also finally has some freedom, some independence. She can find a way to help the people that have transported them from the Stilts into relative safety and liberation. They are more or less kept fed, clothed, rationed, and safe. So she works her needle as best she can, and the other kids her age are around. It’s the first time, she’s been around people who aren’t driven to deadlines or on their way to work.

It’s foreign and she struggles to cope with the anxiety of breaking the ice, learning names, remembering details, asking the polite questions. She doesn’t know when it’s appropriate to sit in silence or when she’s expected to talk. She worries that they think she’s weird. But then, there’s Kilorn. Smiling, if not per-occupied, Kilorn. And she can tag along sometimes and learns how to be a quiet, but present around to him and others. And it breaks the haze of her childhood crush seeing him:–a fisherman displaced, and her–a girl broken, in contrast.

In Piedmont, she gets healed. It renews her feeling of purpose to have her skills once again in her fingertips. And there are children from the notch that spill out in herds. And behind them, there’s Cameron.

Cameron, who’s angry and confused and determined to save her brother. Cameron, who understands hard work and staying busy and doing as you’re told. Cameron, who’s never had so much free time in her life as she does at Tuck, free time that she spends getting to know Gisa. It’s clear at first, she does it to get to know more about Mare, but that’s a swiftly exhausted topic. And then it’s about anything other than what makes them anxious.

Cameron watches Gisa stitch together flags and pillows and garments by hand. And scrambles together enough parts and pulleys to make a sewing machine. It stitches lowly, but it saves her fingers and makes her blush. She’s never had a gift that made her feel rich before.

Gisa sees Cameron attempting her own braids, her arms getting tired, her crooked fingers aching and unable to hold her hair tight. Gisa sits behind her and carefully works, at first slow and starting over three times. But she gets the hang of it. Gisa puts rows one inch back from Cameron’s face and then braids them to the bottoms. It gives them hours of time to talk and reflect, especially that first time. Gisa becomes Cameron’s go-to for hair braiding, always up for a chance to show improvement and make Cameron smile.

Cameron, on the floor rotating between her knees, starts to bitch about Mare. Not when she is Maven’s pet, of course, but after she comes back, after she stays close to the silver prince. And Gisa take over. She can finally express herself openly and loudly with whatever language she wants and hears it validated and echoed. She feels it heal wounds that she didn’t know she had. They both laugh at the ridiculousness and she cries, for hours, inconsolable in a flood of every uneven experience between her and her sister. Cameron rubs her back and stays with her until she’s calm.

When Cameron is more than tired of waiting for action, her brother a dot on a map that might as well be an ocean away. Gisa, of course, understands having siblings in harm’s way. She understands losing one, having had that pain twice. She doesn’t correct or chastise the anger, the desperation, the almost smothering ache that chokes her friend. Most of all, she doesn’t ask Cameron to be patient, to put herself second, to listen to anyone.

And this is how they cope, together, each other’s first friend. Two girls on the cusp of being grown and making the foolish choice, as we all do, to charge forward as if they are. The separation when Cameron goes to fight is an unreal level of loss, anxiety, and hope. Gisa adds one more name to her lists of prayers and doesn’t apologize for placing her first.

[conversationswithhank]

(Backstory: I have been trying to come up with a way to participate and raise awareness for World Arthritis Day 2017 and then a few days ago this Conversation with Hank happened and I had my answer. In Portugal there are a large number of apartment buildings whose ground floor are commercial plazas. Picture an indoor strip-mall consisting of local businesses such as: clothing boutiques, cafés, photocopy stores, electronics, a small groceries and hair and nail spas. This conversation partly takes place in a commercial plaza that was built before Portugal adopted laws mandating buildings to be handicap accessible.)

****

Hank: (holding the door open for Molly and I as I push her in an overburdened umbrella stroller with multiple bags draped over the handle + a toddler leaving her Nanny’s apartment)

Me: Thank you, kind sir.

Hank: So where should we go to have our lanche (late afternoon snack)? You’ve never picked me up from my new school before now that I walk myself and we haven’t found our lanche (snack) spot yet.

Me: Well, we have to be strategic. (pausing as we come to our first ramp which is very steep and not a wheelchair accessible incline, therefore knowing I will struggle to safely glide Molly’s stroller and myself down with my hip mobility issues due to Ankylosing Spondylitis)

Hank: I will stand at the bottom to catch the stroller.

Me: (frustrated giggle) Thank is kind of you, buddy, but who will catch me? (pitching us down the ramp precariously) Jeesh. I think these ramps are for deliveries and dollies. They are for sure not for people. Now I see why Molly’s nanny goes out of this building through the garage when they go for walks.

Hank: Okay, so back to the café question.

Me: The mitigating factor is I would rather walk out of our way home than up one of the intimidating hills of this neighborhood to our neighborhood with this stroller, so we will have to pick a café along the long loop home… (pausing at the top of another non handicap accessible ramp, this one ending in the non-opening side of an automatic sliding glass door) You have got to be kidding me!

Hank: Okay, look here, mama (taking the steps down leaving Molly and I at the top). Before ramming Molly into the glass you can pivot and bring the stroller down here like a step. Okay?

Me: (executing Hank’s plan of attack) I should have consulted Adriana (Molly’s Nanny) about the best way to leave this building before our goodbye kisses! Argh.

Hank: (leaving the commercial center and gliding down another flight of five stairs to the sidewalk) Okay, so to finish, are you saying we are going to pass by…

Me: (stranded at the top of the flight of five stairs, searching for an exit ramp and finding none exists)

Hank: (from the bottom of the stairs, noticing) I’ll come back up and help.

Me: Thank you, Hank. (together we manage to half lift, mostly bounce Molly, her stroller, her day bag, Hank’s gym bag, my tote bag and me down the short flight of five stairs)

Molly: Whoa! Whoa. Alllllllll Done.

Hank: Whoosh! That was so much work!

Me: Just to leave a building. Look around, Hank; there is no handicapped accessible entry that I can see in or out of this building. I guess I can’t buy the apartment for sale here like I was considering.

Hank: I never thought of that before.

Me: (starting our walk home) I think about these things all the time. I always have to make decisions about how much strain I put on my knees, my hips and my feet because of my Severe Rheumatoid Arthritis and Ankylosing Spondylitis.   I make choices all day long based on what an activity will cost me in three areas: energy, mobility and pain. Some days just five stairs are enough to make my knees inflame and burn for 24 hours and there is no relief.

Hank: But we have five steps to get into our house.

Me: Ten.

Hank: No…

Me: Five steps to get from the street into our building or the garage to our elevator, so either way there is no handicapped accessibility because there is no ramp and then there are five steps from the landing into our house, therefore if I want to leave the house I have to decide if I am able to spend what it costs in mobility, energy and pain to climb and descend 20 steps just to leave and return.

Hank: But you said five steps make your knees burn.

Me: That is correct.

Hank: So like, no matter what, if you leave the house your knees will hurt for the rest of the day.

Me:  And the next. Thank you for listening and understanding.

Hank: But going down is easier than going up.

Me: So you would assume, but no. It all has a cost. Everything I choose to do in my life at this time has a price, even lying down! Even following my doctor’s orders of limited mobility has ramifications. I eat a healthy diet, but because of my recommended activity restrictions at the moment I live with weight gain. It’s not much, but enough that I notice and my vanity and joints don’t like it.

Hank: But you can swim, right?

Me: According to my primary doctor yes, according to a specialist second opinion no and to go to the pool to swim requires:

10 steps down to leave the building

Walking five blocks with a hill or holding my elbows above my waist, which is very painful, to hold the steering wheel and drive the five blocks to the pool

Getting undressed

Getting dressed in a swimming suit

The activity at the pool

The shower after where I have to raise my elbows above my waist, which is very painful, to wash my hair and the bending to wash the chlorine from my body

Getting dressed

Walking five blocks home with a dramatic decline or raising my elbows above my waist, which is very painful, to drive home

Ten steps up to the apartment.

Every activity in my day costs me three things. Do you remember what they are?

Hank: Um, energy, um… moving… mobility and pain.

Me: With my two forms of inflammatory arthritis as of now if I completed that list to get to the pool which could be beneficial in shedding the 5 kilos (10 lbs) I have gained this year I would pay with two solid days of intense pain, I would be house bound and mostly in bed and unable to be with you and Molly and papa. For now, I choose quality time with my family over weight loss and try to be a little more forgiving of myself when I don’t like the way my clothes fit when getting dressed in the morning.

Hank: Mom, I have a question.  I think about this a lot actually.  Why are there no medicines to help with your pain?

Me: There are, but they are very strong and have side effects. Eventually, I will ask for pain management drugs, but I want to wait as long as possible. I have the life style, freedom with my work and a very supportive and understanding family where I know I can take this walk, pick you up from school and Molly from her nanny, enjoy this lovely fall evening, have a treat in a café, navigate that ridiculous centro comercial (commercial plaza) back there and tomorrow lay flat all day. I can rest and stay quiet until you and Molly get home and save my energy to spend time with you two and your papa. It isn’t easy making this choice. My world has become very small and consumed by calculating what I can and cannot do to manage and maintain the level of pain I live with and to not raise that level to where I can’t cope mentally.

Hank: That is a lot to think about.

Me: Thank you for acknowledging that, it is, yes, but it is my choice. Making the choice to live with these two degenerative diseases and at this time not take pain management drugs makes me feel powerful and in control. This will change and evolve as my diseases progress or stabilize, either way and  as things change I will find other ways to feel powerful. I will also find other tools to help my quality of life and aid my mobility.

Hank: Like a wheelchair?

Me: Yes, or a walker when I can’t lean on Molly’s stroller anymore.

Hank: When I get my first apartment I will only ever live in a building that is accessible. It will be like on House Hunters International! I will go to the imobiliária (real estate office) and tell them how many bedrooms I want, what my budget is and that I have to have an apartment where my mama can visit me.

Me: And I will walk or wheel through the front door on that day and be so very proud of you while also feeling very loved and respected.

Hank: Right, so the café?

Me: We are close enough to our very favorite café in town that I think the extra cost to visit it is far worth the price.

Hank: You read my mind all the time!

Me: Clarinha’s it is!

Hank: Yes! And mama, how are you doing? Do you need me to push the stroller? Can I help?

Me: (leaning on the stroller for mobility support) Just asking was all the help I needed, thank you.

Molly: (exhausted from her day at play, blissed out in her stroller, eyes heavy)

[screamingatanemptyroom]

Story 100!!

Hey Everyone! This is my 100th short story on Tumblr! Hooray! Thanks to everyone who has read anything I’ve written, you guys are awesome!

This story is a continuation of several short stories. Many of my urban fantasy stories are set in the same world, and the main characters in fact know each other. It’s not necessary, but I recommend reading those short stories linked here to really appreciate what happens in this one. 

First is Grace, a girl who works at a coffee shop and goes on a date with the son of the devil when Hell freezes over.

Second is Jennifer, a fairy cop who is working on a series of grisly murders by dark fae.

Third is Virginia, a werewolf doctor who faces a vengeful ghost on a plane.

Finally, a side story for Arcadeus, son of the devil, when he was a kid dealing with shared custody and visiting his father. 

This was different from stuff I’ve done before. A lot harder to be honest. I really do like these characters and wanted to give them a chance to continue their story. I hope you guys like it! 

Grace

It was a busy time at Witches Brew, the coffee shop where I worked. 3 am was our rush hour, when all the things that went bump in the night (at least the ones not getting drunk across the street) came in for a cup of coffee.

“You look delicious, human…are you on the menu?” The zombie customer was fairly articulate for one of his kind, and only partly rotten, but the breath…ugh. That wonderful combination of graveyard with a heavy dose of ethanol. I waved a hand in front of my face in hopes of improving the smell and shot back.

“I’m not a human, and you couldn’t afford me even if I was on the menu.” I pointed to the sign behind me, which listed the types of coffees and various prices. “You can order coffee, which is fresh brewed and awesome, by the way; or you can leave.”

The zombie’s eyes narrowed and it licked its lips with a swollen purple tongue.  “You sure seem human.” He leaned forward to smell me.

I sighed and gave a shrug. I was only willing to put up with so much crap from customers in the name of good service. I held up a small handful of salt and blew it gently into his face. With a shriek of pain he clawed at his yellow eyes and ran out the door, cursing the entire way out.

“Have a nice night!” I called cheerfully after him, before returning to cleaning the counter, making sure to restock my emergency salt stash. I hadn’t been lying when I said I wasn’t human. I was the non-magical daughter of a genie and a human, which came with the perk of being part of an underground culture, with the unfortunate caveat that I was mortal and actually couldn’t perform magic. This left me with the sad necessity of being prepared in other ways to deal with the occasional drunken idiot that waltzed in here thinking I was a free snack.

“Grace, you jerk! Why don’t you ever call?!” The loud voice across the café turned a few heads, but despite the sarcastic tone I couldn’t prevent the grin from spreading across my face.

“That because SOME people are workaholics and live at the hospital 24-7.” I called back at her, getting started on her favorite coffee drink: a mocha-latte with a dash of hot sauce.

One of my best friends in the world, Virginia, was an ER doctor, and one of the most awesome people to walk on this planet. She waltzed up and leaned against the bar, motioning for me to hurry up.

“Come ON, girl, I seriously need the caffeine tonight.”

I took a closer look. Her normally tanned skin was paler than normal, and dark circles ringed her eyes. Even her scrubs seemed to hang a little looser than normal.  

“Is everything ok? We’re not near a full moon or something are we?” I was only half joking. Virginia was a werewolf, even if her current ties to the pack were a bit tenuous.

She gave me a tired smile. “No, I just had the worst plane flight ever and followed it up with a double shift at the hospital. She sat in a nearby stool with a sigh.

“A terrible flight? Want to talk about it?”

She answered with a brief shake of her head. “Nope, gotta wait for Jennifer. She’s meeting us here and I’m not telling the same story twice.”

We didn’t have to wait long. Jennifer, the third part of our small group of friends from childhood, entered. She was obviously just getting off work as well, still in her suit with her wings tucked in.

I handed her a hot chocolate. “Catch any murderers today?”

“If only! I’m STILL filling out paperwork over the whole ‘partner going rogue’ incident.” She pouted a bit as she spoke, flicking the wand at her waist to summon a huge chocolate muffin. I ignored the blatant disregard for café rules regarding use of magic and eating outside food. It just wasn’t worth the fight. (Plus my boss was in the back buried in tax papers, and not likely to notice). In between serving customers we got the whole “bad flight” story out of Virginia.

“Wow,” Jennifer sipped at her hot chocolate, obviously thinking hard “We’ve had an increase in incidents with rogue ghosts lately. Did you report it to the police?”

Virginia shot her a look “Yes, Detective. I’m not an idiot. As soon as we landed I reported it to the SPF.”

“I tell you, things are getting weird lately.” I cleaned glasses while I spoke “Just last week you were complaining about the increase in Dark Fae attacks, before that it was werewolves going missing, and now there’s ghost attacks?”

“Yeah, the pack is still upset about losing so many members in such a short time.” Virginia moodily stirred her drink; “The alpha keeps bugging me about quitting my job and ‘seeing to the pack survival.’ “ She shuddered “Crawling naked over broken glass sounds more appealing.”

Jennifer patted her on the back “If they pressure you too much, let me know. I’ll make them regret it.”

“Thanks.” She raised her cup “To freedom and great friends.”

“To freedom!” We toasted with a laugh using our coffee cups.

A few more customers came in, some young girls whose horns and red eyes marked them out as demons. They ordered complex drinks and sighed loudly as they waited. I kept my eye rolls and sarcastic comments to myself, like the good barista I was.

“So Grace, you never told us how it went with Arcadeus meeting your parents!”

I groaned, not stopping in my work, handing the girls their drinks and finishing the transaction.

“I will need to be VERY drunk to tell you guys that whole debacle.” I sighed, counting out the change and dropping into the girl’s reddish tinged hand. “Let’s just say his father showed up, and watching the devil compete with my father the genie for half the night was not my idea of a great time. It started with plague rats and went downhill from there.”

“That sounds int…” Jennifer was interrupted by the demon girl I had just finished serving.

“YOU’RE the girl who snagged Arcadeus, son of the Devil?” She looked me up and down while she spoke, her tone suggesting she was not impressed.

“If by ‘snag’ you mean: he begged her for a date and his dad froze Hell over just to set them up, then yes.” Virginia spoke up, a low growl sounding in the back of her throat.

The girl snorted, “Can’t believe he’d sink so low.”

Jennifer started to stand, “Look here…”

I held up a hand, silencing her. “Don’t worry about it. I’ve got this.” The day I couldn’t handle my own fights was the day I was dead and buried. I calmly turned to the girl and answered,

“Yes, person I don’t know who is prying into my personal life, I am dating Arcadeus. We are very happy, and you whining about it won’t change that.” I waved cheerfully at her, “Enjoy your coffee.”

The demon glared at me, raising a hand and chanting a few words.

I let her tire herself out, and grinned at her. “A curse of blindness? Really? I expected better.” I shook my head slowly, pulling out a small vial from underneath my shirt.

“What is tha…ARRGH!”  She ended on a shriek as I spritzed holy water on her face. She and her friend ran out, screaming curses as they left. I tucked the tiny spray bottle back into my clothing with a chuckle. The one benefit I get from my supernatural origins is a resistance to magical curses. A trait that has definitely come in handy since my new relationship started. Not that I was going to tell Arcadeus about these little incidents. It would just upset him.

Jennifer gave me a high five over the bar. “Not that I care what happens to those little twerps, but aren’t your worried your boss might be upset that you assaulted customers?”

From the room in the back we heard a gruff shout. “Not if they pay for their coffee first.”

With a laugh we settled into continue catching up through the rest of my shift.

After I got off work, I was walking back to my bike parked in the back, when I came face to face with a pale young man standing in the alley. He was slim, his pale dark hair hanging in his face. His eyes were hidden behind sunglasses.

This didn’t look good. I started to back away.

“Don’t worry, I’m a cop.” He held up a badge. Crap, it was Jennifer’s rogue partner, Alex. I backed away faster, turning around to run when everything went dark.

 Virginia

As I left the coffee shop, I let out a huge yawn. Man, taking a 24 hour shift right after that flight had been a terrible idea. I checked my cell phone, noting multiple missed calls from Jeffrey, the Alpha of my pack. I deleted the voice mails without listening to them, ignoring the instinct to cater to his every whim. I had made my position very clear last time I spoke with him. I loved my job, I didn’t love him, and neither of those statements added up to me becoming a stay at home wife/mate for him.

Wrapped up in my own problems, I almost missed the scent of distress in the air. In the corner of my eye I saw a young, thin man pick up an unconscious Grace, hefting her onto his shoulder.

“Wait, STOP!” I yelled out, but it was too late. With a triumphant grin in my direction, the young man activated some sort of device in his hand and disappeared. I ran to the spot where he had been just a moment before. There were spots of blood on the asphault. Grace’s blood. I felt my claws and teeth lengthen as anger took over. The urge to kill and tear was overwhelming.

“Virginia, what’s going on?” Jennifer had heard me yelling and was coming over to help, her wand drawn and ready for action.

“HE TOOK GRACE.” I could barely get the words out past my fangs.

Once Jennifer had gotten all the details from me, she cursed. “That must have been Alex, my old partner. I should have known he’d try some crap like this.” She waved her wand, a small golden crochet hook, snagging a motorcycle out of thin air.

“I’m coming with you!” I started towards the bike too, but was stopped by her hand in the air.

“No, sorry, but you’re not a cop, you’re exhausted and you’re not thinking straight. Frankly, you would only get in my way like this.”

With an apologetic smile, she took off, the engine roaring as she turned the corner and went out of sight.

“Screw that.” I was not letting my two friends be in danger without trying to help. Besides, what if one of them got hurt? Having a doctor there might make a difference. There was no way in Hell I was staying out of this.

Wait.

Speaking of Hell...

I wasn't adept at magic, but I knew the basics. Chanting under my breath and with a few passes of my hands I performed a basic communication spell.

"Virginia! I'm so happy to see you!" A puff of red smoke blew around her as Arcadeus stepped out. The smell of sulfur was strong in the air, causing me to sneeze.

"Oh crap, the sulfur, that's embarrassing!" He waved his hands futilely, trying to disperse it. "That's the problem with working in Hell, the smell tends to linger."  He blushed as he spoke, looking mortified.

"It's ok, don't worry about it." We had bigger issues, anyways.

"Not that I'm not glad to see you, Virginia, but why did you call? Is Grace around?" Even mentioning her name was enough to brighten his whole face, and he looked around as if trying to catch sight of her.

I sighed; this wasn't going to be pretty.

I have had plenty of practice giving bad news over the years. It came along with the whole doctor thing. I usually had a pretty good idea how people would respond. Arcadeus seemed pretty quiet and sensitive, I was pretty sure this might overwhelm him. As I explained the situation I kept a close eye out for sign of distress, ready to provide support as needed.

I shouldn't have worried.

His face didn't change at all; you would have thought I had told him about the weather, except for the eyes. His eyes blazed a fiery red, and the air around him seemed to boil. I felt the pressure of his power pushing against me, and fought the urge to shrink back. He caught my gaze and held it.

"Where?" He was still soft spoken, but the single word sent chills down my spine.

"Jennifer was tracking them on her bike, she went that way." I pointed as I spoke.

His eyes closed and he whispered a quiet incantation to himself, a language I quickly recognized as the dialect of Hell. A moment later he opened them, his face still calm, but terrifying.

"A lesser demon has spotted them on the south side of town. I can teleport us there if you want to come along?" He held out his hand. The rage in his gaze had lessened somewhat. I could see his concern for Grace shining through. I took his hand without hesitation.

"Let's go."

The world around us shimmered and faded, and soon became what appeared to be a large abandoned warehouse. Well, not quite so abandoned.

We were surrounded by a group of dark fae, creatures of every shape and size. Everywhere I turned there were fangs, claws, and the distinct black gaze that marked their kind.

I let my claws grow out, nervously shifting closer to Arcadeus. To my shock he chuckled grimly.

"When I tell you, break through and run."

His voice was pitched low enough to carry to my ears only. He drew himself up to his full height, pushing his white hair back to emphasize his horns.

" I am Arcadeus, son of Satan." I could barely recognize his voice through the freezing chill that coated it.

"You have made the grave error of kidnapping the woman I love."

I let out a quiet "Aww" but he shushed me and continued.

" I will give you one chance to escape painful demise: tell me where she is, and I will let you live." His quiet ultimatum was met with derisive laughter.

"She screams quite beautifully, I think we'll keep her."

The silence was heavy.

"Wrong answer." He tapped my shoulder in a silent sign to run. As I moved forward, the enemies in front of me disintegrated into flames. I passed through the open door, moving deeper into the building. Behind me I heard screams of agony and a roar of hellfire, but I ignored it and kept moving.

I had friends to find.

 Jennifer

I knew where to go. I had been researching into the dark fae since my partner tried to kill me. There had been 3 or 4 possible places I had narrowed it down to during my last shift, and only one was in this part of town. I rode towards an abandoned warehouse, my summoned motorcycle roaring beneath me. My mind raced as I traveled. Why had they taken Grace? It had to be a trap.

But what could they possibly gain by luring me out?

I peered in through the ground floor windows. Hundreds of dark fae stood guard.

Well, crap. I wasn't getting in or out that way. I looked up, spotting a window several stories above me. With a quick flick of my wand I summoned a grappling hook. When that didn't work (I didn't actually know how to use a grappling hook), I came to my senses, cast a quick glamour and flew up to the window through the cracked, dirty glass I could see Grace bound to a chair.  Fortunately it was unlocked. I entered the room quietly, keeping my invisibility glamour up.

Grace looked up at my approach, her natural resistance to magic allowed her to see past my spell.

"You idiot, what are you doing?! This couldn't be any more obvious of a trap if they had taped a big sign to the door saying 'Trap! Idiots welcome!'" She glared at me, a bruise marring the right side of her face.

"I'm saving your butt, you ungrateful little turd! Now shut up and let's get you free."

I looked at her bonds. Dark bands of magic wrapped around her, holding her to the chair and her wrists together behind her.

"Actually..." whatever Grace had been about to say was interrupted by a dark voice that sent chills down my spine. A voice that was all too familiar.

“Jennifer, darling, I’m so glad you could make it to our little party.”

I looked up into black, soulless eyes framed in a sweet face with dark hair. A face I had stared up into from my crib. A woman who, up until the time she tried to kill me, had been my entire world.

“Mother.” I spat the word out like a curse. She inclined her head slightly as if acknowledging the title. “What do you want?”

“Now, now, darling, no need to be so crass. I just need a teensy tiny little thing from you, and I will let you and your human friend here go.”

I took a step closer, brandishing my wand. “That doesn’t sound like much fun. How about I arrest you instead?” I edged closer. “That sounds much better.”

“Don’t take another step.” Another familiar voice, another remembered betrayal. My former partner, Alex, now a vampire, held a knife to Grace’s throat. She kept her face calm and her head still, but she was slowly mouthing at me “don’t listen to them.” He noticed the slight movement and pressed the blade in, breaking the skin slightly.

“Drop your wand.” I hesitated, but only for a moment. I couldn’t risk Grace’s life. I dropped my wand.

“Good girl.” My mother laughed bitterly and kicked the wand away. She put a hand to my throat, and I felt a prick of a needle against my neck. I struggled but she was stronger and held me still. “Don’t move, sweetie. I just need a bit of blood from your jugular, but if I don’t aim right even this little needle could cause some serious damage.”

I held still, hearing but not registering a commotion at the other side of the room. All my focus was on my mother. “Why?”

She smiled at me, withdrawing the needle now attached to a vial full of blood. “You were a bit unexpected dear. You were born between two worlds, to both light and dark fae, not that your father knew that at the time.” She smiled, “You may have noticed a slight increase in our activities lately. I have found the key to expanding our kingdom far beyond the ancient restrictions. All I need is to get rid of some pesky weaknesses natural to our kind and the world will be ours on a platter.” She held up the container with my blood. “This holds the key to making the dark fae indestructible. So thank you, dear.” With a sad sigh she pulled out a large knife. “Now that I have what I need, I’m afraid your friend will have to die. She’s only a liability.” She waved a hand in my direction, freezing me in place. “Not you though, if that’s any comfort. I may still need more blood from you.” She turned to face the chair where Grace was tied, only to be met with a fist to the face.

“That’s for kidnapping me and tying me up.” Grace punched her again, the silver knuckles she wore glinting on her fist as it made contact with my mother’s face. “And THAT’s for sticking Jennifer with a needle!” The dark fairy went down and Grace rushed to my side.

I was confused, “How did you…”

“I’m immune to magic, remember? The bonds couldn’t hold me. All I had to due was knock out creepy dude over there…” She jerked a thumb in the direction of my former partner, now unconscious on the ground. “So I could give your messed up mom a lesson in manners.” Cracking her knuckles, she grinned. “Impressed?”

I was, but wouldn’t tell her that. “I’ll throw you a parade later.” I picked up the vial of blood from my mother’s hand and smashed it on the ground. I then turned to handcuff Alex, that vampiric little rat.

“We better get you back before Virginia dies of worry. We’ll have to figure out a way to sneak out, the entrance is blocked by at least a hundred dark fae.”  

“Don’t worry, I’m here to save the day!” As if on cue, Virginia strolled in the door, claws out and ready to fight. She must have been in a few fights already; there were bloodstains on her scrubs and around her hands. She saw that we were both standing free and dropped her head dejectedly. “Dangit! I’m too late aren’t I?”

Grace went over and patted her back. “It’s ok, you can help us figure out how to escape, since the front door is blocked.”

“It’s not blocked.” Arcadeus walked in, looking tired but unharmed. “Are you okay?” He rushed to Grace’s side, gently touching the bruised side of her face.

“I’m fine, what are you doing here?” Grace hugged him tightly, and pulled him in for a gentle kiss, wincing a bit at the pressure on her lip.

“Trying to be helpful. Obviously not doing such a great job.” He grimaced and looked around. “Is the vampire the one who hit you?” His eyes glowed red and he started forward, only to be stopped by a soft hand to his chest.

“It wasn’t him, it was someone else, and don’t worry, I’ve already punched them back.”

“Where are they?”

I pointed behind me, “She’s right over… oh crap.” There was only empty space where my mother had been. She had escaped. I got a firmer grasp on my former partner. I was going to bring this one in if it killed me. “We need to get out of here.” I turned back to Arcadeus. “What did you mean the front door isn’t blocked? There was a bunch of guys there!”

I swear he blushed. “I took care of it.”

Virginia chimed in “Yeah, he was seriously awesome back there. Even I was scared!”

Grace just smiled and gave Arcadeus another hug.

We went out through the now empty front room, and headed for the SPF station. Once I talked my boss off the ledge, assuring him I wasn’t turning into a vigilante, and public property damage had been minimal we booked Alex, got debriefed and finally got our bumps, scratches and in my case, puncture marks patched up by Virginia. By the time we walked out of the station, it was late afternoon.

Grace stretched and yawned. “I better get some sleep. I have to be at work soon.”  

Virginia nodded, stifling a yawn herself. “Ditto.” She looked around. “Let’s get together again later this week. You know, catch up, minus the kidnapping and dark fae conspiracies.” She patted Arcadeus on the back, and gave him a wink, “You’re invited too of course.” He turned red and stammered a thanks, causing us all to laugh as we headed out in different directions.  

I was left alone to my thoughts.

I had not seen my mother since she tried to kill me years before. To be confronted with her so suddenly after all these years was...upsetting, to put it mildly. I thought of her words, that I was born of both worlds, light and dark, and shuddered.

My mother was still out there.

I would find her. I would end this.

[honestwork]

CULTURA PRIVATE COLLECTION

I met Sarah Kabat-Marcy in January of 2016, on my first day of work at Sierra Mar in Big Sur. I had just been hired the week prior and was undergoing training. While I sat there talking to my fellow colleagues during our meal break,  I introduced myself and explained the inspiration and ideas behind the "Off the Grid" series. Sarah, who at the time was sitting a few tables over to my right, overheard me and asked to see some of my work. I showed her my painting of "Mr. Bixby" on my iPhone and she asked for my website.

As a result, we met up for coffee and I brought over the magazine portfolio I had designed and she discussed the possibility of commissioning paintings for "Cultura", a new latin american influenced restaurant set to open up later that year.  She showed me the space: a dark, dusty, stained-carpet dive-bar hidden in a back-alley with a mountain of chairs in the corner climbing up to the ceiling. The place had definitely seen brighter days.  I used to go there years ago after viewing art shows with my family– we'd head over there afterward and have a bite to eat and chat.

We strolled the space and she gave me her vision of this dining room filled with a NY men's lounge red leather couches, touches of vibrant avocado green accents, detailed still-lifes spread throughout, skulls, bones, and an assortment of agave plants. Sarah envisioned blending the bizarre with the beautiful, the offbeat with the contemporary, a classic apothecary with a oaxacan bar, the traditional with the modern. What amazed me most, was the trust she confided in me, and the full creative freedom I was given for the installation pieces. She explained that she didn't want to intrude on my creative process and didn't want to disrupt the integrity of my work by adding her influence.

I went home that night and came up with the concept of having women posing in renaissance-esque poses. I didn't know where to go from there but it took about another month before we finally came to the conclusion that we didn't want to go with the typical vibrant brightly colored vibe. I went with muted tones of black and white and added touches of red to their lips, and greens to their earrings, an electrical hummingbird or a bat mid-flight, a spark of pure zinc white in their pupil.  Just as the "Off the Grid" collection was important to me and personal on so many levels, I wanted this series to tell a story that was true to "Cultura." The series entitled "Las Mezcalilleras" represents and voices of the women who've helped in the cultivation, distillation, and traditions of mezcal production.

Sarah is an extremely knowledgable sommelier with an amazing understanding of food and beverage, which she is currently translating to mezcal spirits. She carefully selected five different types of agave used in making mezcal and gave me a list of distinct characteristics for each of them. Based off of these descriptors, I created a women embodying those personality traits, each with a different backstory and an energy true to the spirt of their corresponding agave. Isabella displays maturity, Beatriz–curiosity, Gabriela–spiciness, Teresa–rarity, Carmen–approachability. 

I met with my art mentor Pamela Carrol before I signed contracts in search of advice and recommendations for how much to charge for the work Sarah was asking for, which included the logo, graphic design work, creating a brand identity and the five paintings. I gave her my thoughts on the prices I was planning on offering for the individual tasks, and she told me to do what I thought was appropriate. It's uncomfortable for an artist, especially one that doesn't know what they are doing, to ask for money. Especially when the client is paying for something that hasn't been created yet. Nevertheless, I offered Sarah an outline of my quote for the project and the work that entailed for each part. She listened carefully, didn't flinch when she saw the numbers, and she took out her checkbook and gave me a 50% deposit. I don't think people understand what a defining moment in my life that was for me. I felt like I was truly seen as an artist for the first time in my life.  Sarah, presented me with an amazing opportunity to showcase my talents and I refused to let her down. I can honestly say, she was the first person to take me seriously as an artist and to support me not just with encouragement, but financially as well.

The following 5 months would become a whirlwind of mixed emotions, late night struggles in the studio, long days at the restaurant, exhausting visits to the gym and never-ending rounds of coffee to stay afloat. Adulting 80 hours a week is what that's called. Looking back on it all, it was a testing time for me. I wasn't sure if I was capable of doing it, nor that I was going to be able to survive, let alone succeed. 

And yet I survived. I'm still here. Still breathing. Still working. Still painting.

The restaurant opened it's doors and was received with open arms throughout the community. Quite frankly, it took the Peninsula by a storm and seeing the restaurant fully-booked on weekends was like music to my ears. I began serving there a couple nights a week to supplement my income and every once in a while I'd look up from the tables and see my art on the walls and it'd hit me as to how far I've come. 

The Cultura contract was one of the most challenging and testing moments in my life and it pushed me passed my limits and even beyond that. I'm oh so grateful for the opportunity I was given by Sarah and I will never forget this moment for as long as I live. Even though I endured a lot of setbacks, mistakes, pain, problems and struggles, it was totally worth every second of it. 

And let me tell you. I want more.

- Beau

 CULTURA - COMIDA y BEBIDA

 http://www.culturacarmel.com

https://www.instagram.com/culturacarmel

Dolores between 5th & 6th, Carmel-by-The-Sea

Mon & Tues 5p-Midnight  /  Thurs through Sun 11:30a - Midnight (or later)  / Wed Closed

 831-250-7005

[simplypsd1]

10 Tips for Designing Logos That Don’t Suck

So you’re designing a logo. It sounds like an easy enough task, right? Draw a circle, type in the company name and you’re done (I’ve literally heard a designer suggest that very process). Unfortunately, if you’re really worth the money the client is paying you, there’s a lot more to it than that.

There are a million people in the logo design industry today dishing out crappy logos in bulk for crowdsourcing sites. How do you as a serious professional stand out from the crowd and produce quality logos that don’t suck? Read on to find out.

Are you in the middle of a logo design project? Don’t forget to check out our in-depth guide on how to design a logo!

Pro Tip: Use a Logo Template

If you’re looking for a quick start with a logo design, experimenting with a logo template can be a great initial step. It can help give you a starting point for your logo design, on which you can build and adapt.

Envato Elements has a collection of over 6,000 logo templates that you can access for a low monthly price of $17 (as well as icons, photos, graphic templates, and more). Here are a few of our favorites!

1. Use a Visual Double Entendre

Some of my favorite logos in the world utilize a technique that I like to call a visual double entendre, which is an overly fancy way to say that it has two pictures wrapped into one through clever interpretation of a concept or idea.

The WinePlace logo below is a perfect example.

This logo takes on the shape of a thumbtack, which suggests “location” or “place,” but it also clearly looks like an upside down wine glass. Logo designs that use this technique come off as clever and memorable. Viewers love the little mind game that you’re playing and are more prone to appreciate a design because of it.

In the past, we’ve put together a post of clever negative space logos like the one below. Check it out if you love this type of logo design as much as I do!

2. Color is Vitally Important

One of the most important considerations for logo design is the color palette. This is not a superficial decision, color carries meanings and communicates ideas.

Sometimes you’re pegged to the colors of a brand, but other times you’ll have the freedom to explore. I love the rich palette used in the Zion logo below.

The colors here grab you and pull you in, they bring life to the illustration and give further context to the shape of the landscape. That being said, remember that a good logo is versatile and will still function well in grayscale:

Beyond a grayscale version, I like to also provide clients with a true single color version, using only black and negative space. This would be a little tricky with the logo above, but definitely possible.

Always consider what it is that the logo will be used for and whether or not the various use cases require different versions.

3. Avoid the Cliché

Every few years or so, some new fads come along in logo design. I personally love to study design trends and you might even find me suggesting jumping onto a few bandwagons to keep up with the times, but with logos, I just hate it when a bunch of designers use the same idea over and over.

The basic archetype above is being used again and again in logo design right now and it’s getting old fast. Why not use a design that you actually thought up yourself rather than ripping off what everyone else is doing?

We have an entire article dedicated to showcasing logo design clichés, be sure to check it out to make sure you’re not guilty of uninspired logo design.

4. Make it Ownable

I don’t believe that “ownable” is a real word, but you nevertheless hear it quite a bit in marketing (marketers love to make up words). The concept is definitely an important one that ties closely to the previous tip.

Rather than following the herd and using a cliché design, you should instead strive for something that is uniquely recognizable. I’ve always appreciated the Evernote logo in this regard:

It’s really just an elephant head, which doesn’t sound like a very unique concept. However, the way it’s drawn with the curled trunk and page fold in the ear makes it instantly recognizable.

As you’re designing logos, consider whether or not your design is generic or unique. Is it likely that others will produce something similar? Remember, your first idea is typically your most generic (it’s also everyone else’s first idea). Try filling a notebook page or two with some rough sketches before choosing which ideas to pursue further.

5. Everybody Loves Custom Type

While we’re on the subject of being unique, there’s almost nothing that can give your logo a unique feel quite like some awesome custom lettering.

Too often we see logo design as simply a trip to the font menu to see which typeface makes the company name look best. If someone is paying you to “design” their logo, they probably expect you to put a little more effort into it.

Too often we see logo design as simply a trip to the font menu.

Custom type helps to ensure that your unique logo will stay that way. Lowlife designers will rip off your work in a heartbeat if they discover which typeface you’re using, but it takes some real skill to mimic custom hand-drawn type!

Keep in mind though that if your logo is famous enough, people will always try to rip it off. This certainly holds true for my favorite script logo:

The awesome Coca-Cola script has been stolen countless times in awkward parodies throughout the last few decades.

6. Keep it Simple Stupid

Let’s face it, not everyone can bust out a beautiful, hand-drawn script on a whim. Just because you’re a designer doesn’t mean you’re an awesome illustrator or typographer (though it helps). If you fit this description, fear not, there’s nothing preventing you from making awesome logos.

In this situation, remember these four powerful words: keep it simple stupid! Simple but powerful logos permeate the business world and always prove to be the best icons for standing the test of time.

In considering how to construct one of these types of logos, let’s discuss the Apple logo. The silhouette of an apple is nothing special or memorable:

It’s that missing bite that takes it to the next level. It gives the logo character, makes it unique, and drives the meaning deeper (computers and bytes, get it?). Without the bite, the apple is boring, with it, the apple is suddenly iconic.

Always think about how you can go that extra mile and turn your boring logos into unmistakable brand marks.

7. Consider Proportion & Symmetry

Some people can get carried away with discussions of proportion and symmetry (see the new Pepsi logo pitch), but if we strip out the crazy, there’s still some important lessons here. Consider the new Twitter logo as an example:

Here circles aren’t used to convince you of some strange cosmic tale that makes no sense, they’re simply used as a guide to create a well balanced logo with consistent curves and arcs.

Despite the fact that the bite seems to violate the symmetry of the Apple logo above, if we dig deeper we can see that there was still a lot of through put into proportion and symmetry here (image source):

8. Think About Negative Space

Along the same vein as a double entendre is the age-old trick of utilizing the negative space in a logo in some clever way. The industry standard example of this technique is the FedEx logo and its hidden arrow.

Don’t see it yet? Keep looking, it’s there. That’s what I love about this logo, the use of negative space is so subtle. Most people in the U.S. see the FedEx logo daily or weekly for years as it drives by on the side of countless trucks and they never even notice the arrow.

Logopond is chock full of great logo designs that utilize negative space in a cool way. Check out the example below, which blends together the idea of bull horns and a wine glass.

9. Passive vs. Active

One interesting facet of logo design that I’ve been considering a lot lately is the concept of instilling motion or a sense of activity into a logo. This isn’t always appropriate (such as with the Apple logo), but sometimes it can really give a logo the boost it needs, both from a visual and conceptual standpoint.

As an example, let’s look again to the Twitter logo. Way back in the early days, the bird went from sitting perched and passive to becoming active and taking flight.

In the most recent iteration, they took this concept even further by pointing the bird in an upward direction to indicate that it’s climbing into the air rather than floating along the same old trajectory.

A sense of motion is especially important when it comes to logos with mascots. The image of the marlin below doesn’t depict the fish merely lying still, instead, it’s leaping into the air in a victorious pose.

This concept even extends to typically inanimate objects. Consider how much better the logo below portrays the concept of “rough house” by instilling a sense of motion.

10. Know What it Means

It’s great when you as a designer can show a client how much thought and reasoning went into the logo that you produced for them.

Every good logo has a story. Far beyond simply a pretty sketch, strong logos are filled with meaning, both obvious and hidden. We discussed this in several cases above. The FedEx logo’s arrow indicates moving forward and making deliveries, the Apple logo has a “byte” missing, and the Twitter bird is flying in an upward trajectory.

Half the time I wonder if logo designers don’t come up with the meaning after the logo is already produced, but regardless, it’s great when you as a designer can show a client how much thought and reasoning went into the logo that you produced for them.

Clients might think that all they want is something fresh and cool, but if you instead provide a logo that ties into the company’s core values and mission, you’ll blow their minds and they’ll love you for it.

If you’re into hidden logo meanings, check out our post titled “Five Fascinating Things You Didn’t Know About Famous Car Logos.”

Do Your Logos Suck?

Now that you’ve read our tips for designing logos that don’t suck, leave a comment below and let us know what you think of your own work in this area.

Are you an awesome logo designer or is it something that you struggle with? Which of the tips above are useful to you and what tips can you offer to other designers?

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