#the blasphemous bakesale story

[orchidzach]

NOW I HAVE TO ASK U ABOUT THE BLASPHEMOUS BAKE SALE

OK SO

I don’t know if any of you all have heard of Brother Jed, and I really hope that you have not, but goes to universities across the US to talk about who was going to Hell (specifically gays, fornicators, non-Christians, people with piercings, people with tattoos, people with dyed hair, non-submissive women, and sometimes various non-white minorities depending on the sign). I think he even had a show on TLC, but don’t give this man any more attention. 

So in my freshman year he and his wife came and I was caught flat-footed, but I noticed two things:

He drew a huge crowd of people who told him he was trash

A friend of mine, Amanda, who organized a Love-In to oppose him, which is to say she got most of the crowd to sit down right in front of Brother Jed and talk calmly together, completely ignoring him. 

So I went about my business, doing college things, for several months. Now in my university I was involved in a scholarship program that had a lounge on campus and all the freshmen lived together on one floor of the dormitories. For room inspection days I would make chocolate chip cookies to cheer everyone up and bribe my RA to ignore some things in our room and after I moved out I continued to make cookies for the lounge or the occasional funding bake sale. As good as the baked goods were, though, they never generated much money.  

I don’t remember when the idea came to me or who suggested it, but one day I realized that selling baked goods to a crowd would probably increase our revenue, and no one gathered a bigger crowd that Brother Jed.

At that moment the gears in my head started turning. With the help of my friends Adam and Amanda, we got the permits to have a bake sale and decided to really stick it to the man by making all the food Hell themed. All the proceeds would go to a non-discriminatory charity, and we would make sure he knew it. Adam was onboard for the lolz, but Amanda got an absolutely possessed gleam in her eye; she was in this for blood.

In planning for our long-simmering revenge, Adam and I checked Brother Jed’s schedule to find out exactly when he would be coming to our university, but there ran into a slight snag; our state has a system of universities all run under the same name just in different cities. Jed had only listed the generic name of the university and 3 days in which he would be touring the state. Since we couldn’t tell which day he would be there, and baked goods must be fresh, Adam and I both realized a horrible truth:

We would have to ask Brother Jed. 

We flipped a coin and Adam lost, so he bit the bullet and used the contact information on the site to email him for clarification. We were both prepared to stew on this for days, but happily Brother Jed’s wife, Sister Cindy, responded in 5 minutes to clarify the exact days she and her husband would be there. She followed up a minute later asking if we were eager to ‘share the word of God,’ but neither Adam nor I had the heart to tell her our true purpose.

Months passed, and finally the long-awaited day came. I burned a sick day and skipped all my classes to man the table for the entire time. A little after noon, they showed up in full force. Last time he was there, it was only Jed and his wife. This time they had a whole troupe; a ‘formerly gay’ boyscout, an unrelated preacher, Jed’s three daughters, Sister Cindy, and the man himself, all under the protection of campus security.

I had been at the table since 7:30 that morning, and awake since 6:30 making my cookies, which I wanted to be very fresh to be more enticing. That whole morning had been slow, but immediately after the band of bigots arrived things began to pick up. And BOY did they pick up. Soon there was a crowd of 50 people, all gathered to protest Jed’s presence on campus. 

And getting mad is hungry work. 

The hot, fresh, Hell themed baked goods were flying off the cheap plastic table; Forbidden Fruit apple-oat bars went first, followed swiftly by the bak-LAVA. After people realized we were there to oppose Jed (thanks in no small part to me yelling like a Carnie for four hours), things really picked up. Even people who were just passing through picked up a snack just because they knew we were there to oppose Jed. 

It was late October, so the sun set early and the band of bigots were wrapping up for the day. The crowd had dwindled to about 20, and at the table it was just me, Amanda, Adam, and our last cookie. We were debating what to do with it, and I suggested maybe we should use it to thank Jed in a final twist of the knife. Amanda’s response was immediate, energetic, and slightly terrifying:

“That’s an excellent idea, Zach. Go, give it to him yourself.”

So I picked up that last cookie, made my way through the crowd, and asked for quiet. The protesters that I had fed happily obliged. I took that moment to inform Brother Jed that his hideous presence had resulted in good; he had raised $600 for charity, and as a thank you we were going to give him the last cookie. 

I know it sounds fake, but the crowd actually cheered as I offered that last cookie to Brother Jed. Sister Cindy deigned to relieve me of it, but not before shooting me the most soulless look of utter hatred that I have ever encountered. It’s not hyperbolic, but whenever I think of true evil, even today, I remember her eyes. 

In any case, thereafter we all packed up and went home. After my voice recovered, Adam, Amanda, and I began to eagerly plan our attack for the next year; Adam wanted broader participation and set a goal of $1500 to raise; Amanda suggested large signage to clarify our stance and save my voice. I said we ought to donate our proceeds to a local LGBT+ youth homeless shelter. All this was in motion when I checked Brother Jed’s schedule to plan out the time.

Imagine my surprise to find that not only was our university omitted from the schedule, but our entire STATE was being passed over. While nothing is for sure, I like to think that it was our Blasphemous Bakesale that scared him off. It was the only thing that had changed in his most recent visit. 

And that’s how I used fresh baked goods to banish a hate-monger from my university. I have since graduated, but it has been close to four years since I pulled this stunt and he still has not come back.

TLDR: I decided to use a hateful preacher’s presence on campus and the crowds he drew to feed a “Blasphemous Bake Sale.” It was super effective, we raised $600 dollars for charity, and the preacher never came back.