#the acting in this scene and the CGI is god-tier

[shijiujun]

“Are you Tantai Jin... or the Devil God?”

GIVE MY BAOBEIS A BREAK

[lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks]

I have a really weird hyperfixation on The Mummy, but not the Boris Karloff or the Brendan Fraser versions, those would be completely acceptable movies to enjoy (and I do so enjoy them)

but I cannot stop thinking about The Mummy 2017 starring Tom Cruise and it's a problem

I love bad movies, I love them so much, I own so many b-grade horror flicks, old classic films with terrible acting and awful special effects, I love absolutely shit tier cgi, I love Ed Wood disasters, I love cult classic bad movies, I love really weird niche bad movies

but this one is like, such a special kind of bad movie, I can't really put my finger on exactly why though?? but I am damn well going to try, in this essay I will-

they fucked up from the get go by casting Tom Cruise, like this movie is sometimes deliberately goofy, but a lot of the time it takes itself very seriously, SO seriously, and I cannot physically take Tom Cruise seriously, he turns every single scene he is in into a joke by virtue of his mere presence

but when they have actual jokes, they are so not funny they cycle back around to being really fucking funny

I am watching this movie fucking whiff every god damn beat it tries to hit and it does it so beautifully it's a god damn marvel

Russel Crowe as Jekyll and Hyde??? I actually somehow missed the part where he introduced himself as Jekyll on my first watch, so the Hyde reveal was a true surprise to me and I was very genuinely disappointed on my second watch when I realised it was not supposed to be a surprise, because that was a really fun reveal

and Russel Crowe seemed to be having an absolute fucking whale of a time as Hyde, I loved every moment he was on screen with his stupid cockney accent, I would watch his movie, I know it would be bad, that's why I want it, because there is nothing quite like a bad movie with an actor still giving 110%

and the mummy character herself? she was supposed to be pharaoh and then her dad had a son with someone else and now this baby is jumping all up in her place like, okay baby murder might not be the coolest thing in the world but like, she's got ambition, she's getting shit done, she's hustlin' like go get it girl I'm rooting for you babe

also when she sucked the life out of some dude and turned him into a shrivelled husk my roommate said 'she could do that to me and I'd thank her' so she's got that going for her, like girl's a half rotten corpse wrapped in decaying bandages and she still slays

and then we have the completely ridiculous female rivalry??? like this mummy could kill this woman SO MANY TIMES and just doesn't???? for reasons?????? like she could literally kill her in an instant at any moment but no they gotta girl fight for a bit because Tom Cruise is at stake and why wouldn't two hot women fight over Tom Cruise right?? right????

nevermind the fact that he has been practically nothing but ✨The WooOOOOooorst✨ to her the WHOLE first act of the movie, oh and uh let's not forget the 'duh huh guy bad at sex' jokes that they just could not put down for a good chunk there (but wait! uh he's good at sex actually she's just being mean because he hurt her feewings)

like, this movie hits every fucking branch of the bad trope tree, this movie is playing bad trope bingo, it is collecting bad tropes like pokemon, it has to have them all

also a really bizarre ongoing American Werewolf in London reference?? it was not unwelcome, it was some of the best comedy in the movie (that is an easy bar to jump btw), the actor had some great wry line delivery, I enjoyed it

I think the biggest issue, and the reason I can't stop chewing on this magnum opus of garbage, is that it reminds me of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, in several different ways

The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen also happens to be another of my favourite bad movies, but it falls into the particular genre of bad movies, a fucking cool as shit concept, and some really cool as shit visuals, and some very cool as shit characters, but an absolute swing and a miss on the delivery

The Mummy 2017 starring Tom Cruise has That Vibe to me, there is some cool shit here, we know this because the previous version utilised that cool shit very very well, but this one was the only one who made the villain a woman pursuing a man, and not just any man, the ✨worst✨ man, you did not feel very sorry for this guy, honestly watching him go through the constant torment of being stalked by a bodacious supernatural babe who put a sexy little curse kiss on him was fun, he's a sopping wet little meow meow and I wanna see him thrown at a wall, and I get to see that several times, and it is a delight every time

in the previous movie the mummy went after really likeable characters, people who were just generally nice, a roguish scamp with a heart of gold, or just really hot, seriously that cast was beyond smoking what the fu

I did not like Tom Cruise as a character, and to be fair that was the point, he was supposed to have a redemption arc, the story and his sacrifice at the end were supposed to be about him becoming a better person

but he fucking doesn't??? it's like 'oh boo hoo I have made this great sacrifice and now I am a monster and I did it to save my lady love's life even though we had zero chemistry and I was just ✨The Worst✨ to her' and then he fucks off to go and do the exact same shit he was doing at the start of the movie, fucking around in the desert looking for boy adventures

it was a great ending and I loved it because it was so dumb and also he abandoned the woman he brought back to life to go fuck around with his bro who he also brought back to life, I love that for them, go have some boy adventures you madlads you sure didn't earn it but don't let that stop you, just heterosexually ride off into the sunset together it's fine, she is literally better off without you in every way you made the Correct Decision

and then there's these moments, moments that are treated like big moments, and could be really cool moments, but just don't fucking land

there's a part where Tom Cruise starts talking to the mummy in her own language (they got a psychic bond and shit which is it's own cool little thing we'll get back to that) and everyone is watching like 😮 oooh didn't know he could do that wow there really IS magic bond between them oooh, and it's like a Big Deal and Very Cool

but Tom Cruise just sounds like he's speaking gibberish with a mouth full of novocain???? it doesn't sound cool at all??? it sounds really goofy???? I half expected him to start drooling on himself

then there is the ending, leading lady dies, he completes the ritual to invite the god of death into his body (a fucking baller move honestly), he fights it for control as the mummy attempts to sway the beast inside him to her side, but when he sees his beloved laying dead he fights her off, using his newfound powers to defeat her, and then weeps over his lady love begging for her to wake up

and then as he lets the god inside him loose, a terrible monstrous visage takes him over as he bloodcurdlingly screams in her face WAKE UP!!! and the power within him that he doesn't understand and can barely control listens

she wakes, and sees him hiding in the shadows, unable to face her now that he has become something terrifying

at least that's what I think they thought the scene would be like, it was a little more like, some crappy flashback and speed up effects as he becomes the god of death, a really pathetic and uneventful 1 minute of him fighting for control, after which he has a really pathetic and uneventful 1 minute of fighting the mummy, and then as he screams for his lady love to wake up, we get a shot of some absolutely fucking god awful cgi and the most uninspired monster face I've ever seen

I mean, half seen, it was a very dark shot, in fact most of the movie is shot in the dark, a very blatant attempt to obscure the shithouse cgi

except in one scene where it kinda fucking slapped, where the mummy sucks the life out of some guys, and then reanimates their husky corpses as thralls, the way they stand like jerky unstable puppets being dragged to their feet by unseen strings was actually pretty fuckin' dope and the dark scene obscured the details in just the right amount to make their uncannily decrepit silhouettes appear super creepy

this is the only time that trick works, every other time I just want someone to turn on a fucking torch so I can actually see what the hell's going on

okay now let's get back to that psychic bond thing

our main character was chosen not because he was a descendant, or a reincarnation, or just Looked Real Pretty (although I think she did have the hots for him a leeetle bit which is like, girl raise your standards, it's Tom Cruise, he's about as sexually appealing as a wet potato, you can do better), he had absolutely zero in common with the mummy's original choice for this ritual, in fact that guy was not significant to the story at all, I think he was just some dude who was down for some ritual shenanigans 'cause a hot lady asked him (also he was hotter than Tom Cruise so this is a significant downgrade, I feel like if she had the opportunity to shop around a little she might have picked better)

so Tom Cruise wasn't chosen for any reason other than that he's the one who released her, and she sees this as her way of saying thank you, and I love that, it's real sweet, would love if I opened a door for someone and they repaid me by summoning a god of death into my body, that really shows they care you know?

she gives him a little hallucinatory kissy kiss and then manages to follow him everywhere, while also compelling him to follow her without him really knowing it, there is a very cool part where he's trying to drive away from her, but somehow ends up driving in a circle and falling right back into her clutches, that was cool, that had the potential to even be super fucking creepy, she can manipulate him without him even realising, it doesn't matter where he goes or what he does, he will always somehow find his way back to her, that's so good, I love that

and then back to the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen comparisons

The Mummy 2017 starring Tom Cruise established a concept of an organisation who hunt down, collect, and research supernatural phenomena, with a leader (Jekyll) who also has ulterior motives and is actually not really the good guy, this movie was also supposed to be part of a monster movie cinematic universe, so this really could have become like, the Universal Monster Movie equivalent of the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, and I would have watched the hell out of that, and I am crushed that this movie bombed so bad and ruined the whole plan

like could you imagine a whole series as bad as this movie? all culminating together as the most god awful Avengers style team up? fuuuck I want to live in that universe so bad

I think my fascination comes from this ungodly mix of real pure potential, those fleeting super fucking cool moments and concepts that, if given to literally any other actor, could have really been something, and the just pure insane failure to make literally anything in this plot successfully land a hit

somehow this movie felt like the completely dead and soulless corpse of a cheap party clown, while the ghost of something incredible flickered in its eyes

[crascet]

X-Men Movie Tier List Update- Deadpool

Let's first go back to Origins for a second here. In the character's film debut, Wade Wilson was shown as a really good mercenary with a snarky, wisecracking attitude that annoys people around him, which is typical to how he is in the comics. At first, people thought this would be a good adaption of Deadpool, but then...

... yeah, fans of Deadpool were really not into this. So, 7 years later, they rebooted the character, making him more comic accurate and made Deadpool the movie.

Already, this movie tells you that this is a very unserious, fun, rated R movie just from the freeze frame car crash, with the Juice Newton song and opening credits such as "God's Perfect Idiot" (followed by a picture of Reynolds on a People magazine with "World's Sexiest Man" on it), "An Evil British Guy," and "A Fully CGI Character." This whole sequence just establishes the tone right-off-the-bat, and the movie follows that greatly.

Reynolds as Wade does a great job here, and not just with the comedic parts. This movie just shows that Wade is not just some comedic side character, but as someone with more depth to him, mostly tragic. In the first flashback of the movie, it shows Wade as a merc-for-hire with at least a moral code with his first job in the movie being to stop a teenage stalker of a teenage girl free of charge while also not killing him, just threatening him to stop doing it. Wade is not a great guy, but he's also not the worst. He's... decent, suffice it to say.

The relationship between Wade and Vanessa is also just a very nice relationship between two messed up people with messed up lives just loving each other, by being nerds and mostly through sex, but if that's not a true love, then I don't know what is. This going into Wade's reaction to hearing he has late-stage cancer is both sad and also realistic, since when people hear that they have a terminal disease, the last thing they want to see are their loved ones suffering emotionally, which is why he went out to that black market organization to get a cure for his cancer, leaving Vanessa.

Ajax/Francis is a real asshole and this movie shows you that with how cruel he is towards Wade in wanting to activate his X-gene, which when activated, gives Wade a sort of healing factor since it is implied that Wade was injected by Logan's blood, which may have been stored since Apocalypse in that post-credit scene for that movie, but also radically altered his appearance to have his cancer cells come up to the surface of his skin. This pretty much makes it hard for him to come back to Vanessa, especially with how he left her when she was sleeping one night. So now it's sort of a revenge movie with him trying to find Francis and find a way for him to look normal again. Also, the whole reason for Francis taunting Wade with "What's my name?" being all about wanting control over Wade, since Wade found out his actual name by snatching his laundromat tag on his lab coat without him knowing is interesting.

The characters here are pretty good too. Colossus comes back and he's essentially what mainstream PG-13 superhero movies are: clean, always do the right thing types that people are familiar with, he even has an inspirational speech to Wade on how he shouldn't kill his enemies especially to Francis at the end of the movie... which didn't do anything to Wade since again, he's not a great guy, and just kills Francis. Colossus being this trope is good since that's what he usually is in the comics. Negasonic Teenage Warhead is pretty cool here with not only her cool as hell name but how she also has the New Mutants suit. Vanessa is good here as a crude spin on the love interest character who is also capable for herself since she can fight an gotten herself free thanks to Wade's katanas in the final act. Weasel is good here as a nice friend to Wade and has some funny moments in here, same goes to Dopinder and of course, Blind Al who is the best character here.

This movie is also just funny in general. From the opening sequence to the introduction to Colossus to Wade going through NTW's jerkish attitude of either doing long sullen silences or hurtful comments and that one time he calls her Ripley from Alien 3 to the hand regrowing scene to Wade's scenes with Dopinder to Wade's unmasking in the ending to Vanessa, only with a picture of Hugh Jackman stapled to his face and let's not forget, Blind Al.

Also, bonus points for using Careless Whispers from Wham! (WHAM!)

A simple, but fun movie with crude jokes and a good appreciation to Deadpool that goes so far as even including Bob. A good placement on B, just behind The Wolverine. Speaking of which, the next movie is what is considered not just the best X-Men movie here, but one of the best superhero films ever, in the sort of adaption of Old Man Logan as we see him be one of the last mutants still surviving in a world where most mutants are dead, but has him protecting someone way younger than him, but went through the same situations as him as well as the next generation of mutants, for the next movie is Logan.

[nepobabyeurydice]

Okay so...PJO Show, Episode 1:

Highlights, first:

Sally & Percy, life itself, all be praised

Grover, Aryan, just a spectacular job, I love his acting, I love the body language he gives off, I love him

I love Chiron and I love his actor even more because I can already see how funny and serious he can be at the same time. He isn't like...manipulative I guess, but more wizened, immortal, dawn of time, as old as Zeus probably, mentor. Basically, he actually does know what he talks about because history is a cycle and the actor does such a good job of portraying it.

The funny moments were actually funny. Big win right there for the show.

“God, like Jesus?” top tier, I laughed out loud for real this time.

“I'm 24, actually.” reminded me that Grover is technically allowed to drink legally, and I imagine now in my fics this is how Annabeth acquires her cigarettes.

SALLY THROWING A ARM OVER PERCY'S TORSO, I CAN'T-

Baby Percy's actor, I love that little dude, I've seen a few of his other movies, and I'm happy he's doing something he clearly enjoys.

The bullies were all excellent, not a single one broke character, none of them acted beyond what's considered wild for rich, troubled kids, good job children!!!!!!

The 'It's Probably Disney But Also The Writer's Room'

Gabe... Okay, I don't like him no matter his casting so I'm happy I didn't fall into that trap, but Disney, c'mon man.

Sally...hmmm not really? I feel like Disney and the Writers don't have the best grasp of her character but given that Sally is only a Eurydice for the 1st book I feel like that's just excusable enough, but if it happens again I'm going to be irritated.

Dodds & Riptide...No. Just...no. I get it, the movies did it, but again, c'mon homie. No.

The Minotaur. I get it, kind of, mostly. The music cutting out, sublime, excellent, eerie. The CGI, ehhhhhhhhhhh. Too quick, too dark, and too quiet, the same issue as anything coming out in fantasy or sci-fi. A stagger, Percy being thrown back as he stabs the Minotaur and getting blurry glimpses of it, a bit more of the movement and the scene could've worked really, really well.

All in all, 5/7 (haha, get it? The Seven, I'll shut up now.) Finding it's footing, just edging excusable, if say by the time we hit LA's and this show hasn't been able to deliver a few of the more vital character (Grover & Pan, Annabeth & Luke & Thalia, Percy & his mom + Poseidon) moments we should all be worried because of how essential those are to the story.

[thewingedwolf]

watched the new little mermaid and it’s cute, better than most of the other disney remakes except maleficent and the jungle book (like cinderella tier). the singing and acting is really good and transplanting it into the caribbean was done really well!! the outfits were really good, the cgi on ursula was damn amazing and part of your world was great as well. the added relationship between eric and his mother, and the kind of subtextual double meaning when eric, the white adopted son of a black caribbean islander, admits that the two worlds can’t ever meet, was kind of interesting, and there was something fun there about like, these two very similar multiracial societies who fear each other being lead by parents terrified that what befell their child’s parent will befall their child. also, while i still high key judge taking all the queerness out of the story (oh but making ursula a drag queen would have been homophobic, okay, so give ariel two dads then? there was a way to honor divine and howard without just excising them from the narrative!), but melissa mccarthy was damn funny and the vanessa actress was amazing, when she gets found out and she starts screaming with melissa’s voice? that’s cinema ❗️

but it made what sucked kinda stand out lol. the cgi on the fish and mermaids was distractingly bad, like “chris evans’ face on skinny steve’s body” kind of bad. the scuttlebutt song and the arrangement on kiss the girl was soooooo bad someone needs to tell lin manuel his head has gotten too big and he needs to actually try instead of just slapping random sounds together (encanto was so good!! why did this one sound so bad!!). and i am once again begging people to use light in their damn movies!! very frustrating that a studio that once would just invent new programs to do cgi and animation they had envisioned now just kind of half asses cgi like this…disappointing.

the only quibble story wise was that there was this kind of hanging thread of ursula being triton’s sister and eric’s mother fearing the sea gods, that are kind of dropped. like, javier bardem and Noma Dumezweni were kinda wasted emotionally. wanted the last scene where all the mermaids and people are at the shore watching ariel and eric leave to hit a little harder emotionally, and look a little cooler.

also, for all that i love eric bc he’s the only disney prince with a kill count, loved that they gave the kill shot to ariel lmao that’s my girl

[blommis-writes]

I wanted to avoid yapping too much about it but I'm insufferable about live actions and ATLA has always been my comfort show since I was like, 12yo and watching the new episodes religiously every week so here we go:

Not-so-short, not-so-spoiler-free review of the ATLA live action

(there is are two small spoilers ahead, but if you don't wanna see it then don't read unless you've watched the first 5 minutes of the first episode for one, and the second episode for the other)

It's not even about the violence itself, but the way you portray it.

To me, the worst way to portray violence is going out of your way to showing it outright graphically, and with live actions (one of the many reasons I hate them btw) it's also so fucking easy to spot the poor ass writing choices, becuse on the other side you can see the source material where they showed the terrors and violence of genocide in a fucking kids' show without outright showing them (again, kids show) and now that I'm watching the live action I can say that it definitely did not arise the same feelings the animated did.

Because, again, it was about the feelings, the empathy you could feel at the character's own feeling of great despair and loss. And, at the same time, technically speaking, not showing something can be much more effective at telling a story.

A guy I know who works in the industry once actually explained to me how it's a whole ass phenomenon, where they add a lot of violence in the first episodes/season to appeal to what they call "more adult" audiences but are in reality. just. GoT fans. because that show broke so many popularity records at the time, that it became the standard.

The thought process is basically "GoT became successful and won 934746383 awards because they portrayed graphic scenes of r*pe and killings every couple of episodes, so if we want a successful show we need to do the same" and of course, with streaming having ruined everything about the airing of shows, if one is not incredibly successful already from the first day it airs it gets cancelled, so what do you do? Add a whole lot of unnecessarily graphic violence, at least in the first episodes and the first season, so it catches the attention of the "adult audiences".

Like, gimme a valid reason for showing a guy being burned alive exactly (I went back to check) four minutes in the first episode.

"But it's normal they have to change something" and listen. LISTEN. I was of the same mind when news of Sokka's sexism came out, I wanted to give it a chance because as much as media literacy is dead I thought "well but they have good intentions"... boy was I WRONG.

It seems to me that the actual reason for Sokka's sexism being toned down was so that they could make Suki more of a love-struck teen.

There's the actual trope of "girl raised in women's warrior tribe sees a naked, sculpted, male chest for the first time" and I still can't believe it. I was watching it during lunch break in my internship's office and my colleague asked me if I was okay because I externally cringed while watching.

Sokka may not be that sexist anymore, but the writers of the show sure are.

Overall this poor ass writing is the only thing I've had the ick for (for now, I haven't finished the season yet and netflix writers have the power to fuck up even the smallest things), and it's a shame because:

the casting did enough justice to the characters, and even tough the acting level is not, like, god tier or whatever, they seem all so dedicated to the story, besides they are all accurate as POCs and I couldn't have been happier about that

the costume and make up departments did the same (aside the tiny detail of them, I dunno, being scared of dirtying the costumes? thus ending up with them having kind of a "cheap cosplay" vibe but eh, it's camp I guess?)

the CGI is... not really good but not that bad either, even tough you can see they probably spent most of the budget on Appa, Momo, and the animal-mixes (their CGI is good af compared to the other stuff but I wouldn't have it any other way cause they are so fucking cute)

The sets, even while being for the most part so obviously CGI-made (see above), are recreated nicely from the show and what changes have been made were for the better

the soundtrack from what I've heard for now is a mix of the old iconic one and some new stuff, and it fits really well

So yeah, overall the ATLA live action is not that bad at all, the technicalities are at the same level of the One Piece one, but you can definitely see that some (really, really) poor writing choices were taken here, and that can really make a difference in a show that already was not original. (I am TIRED of live actions ffs)

These are some thoughts about the first two episodes, I may or may not write followups as I watch depending on how angry it wil make me.

shoutout to Game of Thrones for setting the standard of "a show is not serious/good unless it has TONS of violence in it", hope you and your shitty finale rot in the tv show hell

[back2themax]

Nightmare on elmstreet part 2 : Freddys revenge

Review

Good god this movie. So currently in the nightmare series I’ve watched one and four and now I’ve watched two. Just watch one and two, only go to the others if you want gore not nessisarily story. Maybe the third , I can’t speak for it as I haven’t seen it.

So this movie is actually pretty entertaining and it blends well from the second movie. Freddy goes after Jesse as he moved into Nancy’s old place. How’s Freddy mess with him you ask?

Heat like a lot for some reason

Birds that spontaneously combust

More fire

Now I can see why some people may not be much of a fan as it’s not technically the traditional slasher, there’s only one Kill until a bit past a hour into the movie. Then they rack up with Grady and then a bunch at the party I couldn’t count (I’d recommend watching the kill count video If you’d care about that). It’s much more  psychological, as much as I like gore, I like getting in someone’s head even more, I like how you can mess with someone’s mind. Creep out your audience just by how you play the music, work the camera.

Lore-

I like how, even if there is no charecters included from the first film it is still very connected and it builds the lore of the universe. Nancy’s diary and the little notes from that. Like her being cute about Glenn (I like him leave me alone). Also the detail on Freddy and the actual boiler room.... which we... never see I’m the ... actually .... see In the movie. For gods sake Lisa you go there and never make it into that room!

Lisa-

Hate her. Next question.

No but seriously she seams smart the first half and then just looses and goes stupid ™️ towards the end. She literally went out of her way to do digging only to not believe it when this kid comes in covered in fucking blood? for her to SECONDS LATER pull out the diary and explain it all like what was the point in her not believing for her to act like she did the whole time seconds later?

However , I will give her credit for her major scene with freddy at the power plant. The way her fears turn on and off again as she runs! She screams and freaks , she runs and seconds later composes herself and it’s gone again. It’s a cool concept to watch. I will give her that much

Gore-

Like the all movies in the series the gore is top tier and over the top fun. Oh my god I love the attention and the blood and the slime and everything. Seriously my love for practical effects and gore makeup is LIVING it’s really a art we gotta bring back or focus on more. There are still shitty cgi jumps are horror movies popping up even today.

The not subtle subtext-

I could write a entire essay on it and I will if asked. Holy shit. Love it love it love it. Now Honestly I think the concept is fantastic and I wish it could have been a bit more. It would have been interesting to watch Freddy fully utilize and play with it more. I think even Robert spoke about this, I agree with him tbh. Honestly they were also the most fun to watch in the whole film , as charecters alone. They can’t do push ups :) bitch me too

[shadowgasp]

Why is the new(ish) show Superman and Lois not being hyped up?????

The acting in it compared to the other crappy DC CW shows is so good. They actually know what they’re doing. Remember when Tyler Hoechlin was in Teen Wolf and how god awful everyone’s acting was when they were in scenes with him? Because he actually knows how to act in a high quality setting? THATS EVERY ACTOR IN S&L. (Not saying the teen Wolf actors were bad. I’m just saying in comparison they were mediocre in my opinion)

Oh, and don’t even get me started on the cgi quality.

The first five minutes of episode 1 looks better than the entire Flash series.

It’s filmed in a way to make the cgi/stunts work smoothly together, and the slow motion in some scenes is the icing on the 5 tier wedding cake.

You know how in (I’m going to use the flash as an example again because that’s the show I’ve watched the most out of the cw dc universe) the flash, there’s some weird plot holes and errors in the lore that are never explained? Welp, NOT IN SUPERMAN AND LOIS-

It’s just done so well. It’s a fresh story of Superman with new characters and a fun, relatable plot(except for the whole alien thing.)

….and one last self-indulgent thing.

It balances the amount of superhero and non superhero plot points real well. We see Clark Kent’s son, Jordan, struggling to control his new powers. While also getting an equal amount of time focused on his twin brother Jonathan, who’s having a hard time making friends at his new school.

I just. I just really like it. Hhhhh

[ms-nolife]

Top 5 Cartoons!

My friend I'm so glad you asked, I love you very muchly!

5. Star Wars The Clone Wars

This isn't a 2D animated cartoon, it's fully rendered in CGI. But I LOVE THIS SHOW because it combats the stereotype of "cartoons are just for kids". I mean yes of course the beheading of a leader and laissez faire of an entire planet is totally for kids. Might I also remind people of the time when Anakin mutilated the arms of a war general just before killing him? Anyway, I love star wars and by default love this cartoon!

4. The Avengers: Earth's Mightiest Heroes

I consider this the best modern super hero cartoon of all time. Sorry 90s Xmen, you just weren't my cup of tea. But Earth's mightiest heroes??? A pretty ass art style and a great blend of comedy and "drama", and you have the equation for a god tier cartoon. Also I had a huge crush on Wasp specifically because of this cartoon. I was heartbroken when the MCU version of Ant-Man was not Hank Pym (yes I know he WAS Ant-Man before Scott, but I wanted Hank TO BE the Ant-Man of the MCU). Anyway, it's only 2 seasons and definetly warrants a watch!

3. South Park

I think this counts because it is an adult CARTOON. I know for sure this is a controversial choice, but I'd like to make my case. South Park does this thing in every episode where they commentate on issues relevant to when the episode is made, and they will usually exaggerate the issue. What they also do is showcase Matt Stone and Trey Parker's more nuanced opinions on such matters. But I love it for that reason, they aren't afraid to speak their minds, and there is entertainment value to be taken from it as well. At the end of the day, as a cartoon it serves to entertain their audience. I will give a massive trigger warning to those who have not watched it but are interested because I know for sure the show does not hold back. Also, The Book Of Mormon musical was written by Trey Parker ans Matt Stone! Be cautious if you plan to watch South Park, and stop watching if you can't handle it (I won't judge! You do whatever makes you comfortable!).

2. Winx Club

I made sure my sister never caught me watching this back in the day. I had a HUGE CRUSH on Bloom and Darcy, I even vividly remember Bloom having a black outfit at one point and I could not take my eyes off her. I'm sorry for simping, I can't help it when I think about her lmao. I also remember some of my neighbors getting upset at their kids watching it due to "satanic" shit that was supposedly in the show. The way I see it, they were scared of their daughters falling in love with women (I wonder who that happened to👀). Winx Club is a gem of it's time and I think it would do me some good to rewatch the series! Also don't remind of the Netflix adaptation, I don't even want to think about it. WHY IS TECNA NOT IN THE SHOW???

1. Adventure Time

This top 5 would be a huge disservice to me if I did not put Adventure Time as my number one favorite cartoon. Where the hell do I even begin? I watched the first episode when it originally aired and was hooked from then on. While the dialogue and stories from the first season are hard to come back to (I really don't wanna call it cringe, but it has its moments :/), the same can't be said for the show over all! I felt like I was growing up alongside Finn, I remember watching the episode "Burning Low" for the first time and being just as confused and conflicted as Finn was. By the time the show ended, I was in my senior year of high school. It felt like watching a friend, or rather brother leave for college, while I stayed behind. I always find it ironic that the show ended during the final chapter of the first act of my life as I like to call it. Finn and his friends go on to do bigger and better things, and my friends and I are also on that same path. "Time Adventure" hits my soul harder than anything I've ever heard. And Princess Bubblegum's hero song for Lemonhope sent hella shivers down my spine when I first heard it and saw the accompanying scene. A grim reminder of how fucked up their world really is. I love this cartoon with all of my soul and I wish I could watch it again for the first time, just to relive all those feelings from my first time, even if they hurt! If you haven't watched Adventure Time already, WATCH IT NOW SO WE CAN SCREAM ABOUT SIMON AND MARCELINE'S RELATIONSHIP TOGETHER!!!

Shout out to my dear friend Vincent Van Vinnie for the ask! This was so much fun, thank you for the question!

[letamthoughts]

Thor: Love and Thunder (2022)

i like it (high tier) 9.5/10

too many small things (early on especially) held it back for me, but it did pick up down the line and stayed mostly solid bro moment, girl moment, lesbian moment, bi moment, feminist moment, gay moment, dad moment pretty good in those regards

(Major Spoilers)

was really confused to see Eternity with hair and then her in its place, but the end makes sense of it; but wtf, though? was that a condition of the rebirth/resurrection? the ending also makes sense of the dialogue exchange between Mighty Thor and o'dude (Gorr), 'cause~ dat was confusing af for me but not at all in hindsight 🤷🏿‍♂️ faked us out with rock-dude (Korg)'s death, but it did feel a bit cheap before that Thor's revenge felt like a reminder of his anger early on in Ragnorak (and his comment about meditation making him angry aswell 🤔)

2nd Viewing

dafuq? Mjölnir had colorful ribbons attached to the bottom at the end; nice mofo's got a space rv almost choked up twice Zeus learned the wrong lesson; like, seriously "Eat my hammer' had a "Suck my clit" vibe the awkwardness between Thor and Mighty Thor really worked for me; felt like bad acting at first, though her finisher to take out the sword (that somehow pulled itself out of Mjölnir) homegirl was mighty for a day and died a legend; nice thought Thor became a cooking channel at the end >.> jelly of everyone's braiding >.> Love (forgot her name) has a nice attitude and accent; i dig it and wanna see her character again wonder if they're gonna do another Groot teen phase 🤔; would be a waste they better not what is Valkyrie's sexuality, though? bi or omni? nice seeing that real conversation between her and Korg his song was very unexpected; and enjoyed oh shit, Valkyrie foreshadowed Mighty Thor's death i love that they brought back her neck-work during hand-grenade scene 💀 methinks the emotion gods were having an orgy >.> Thor got a nice body, real talk; how long did it take him to get to that point? and did he even maintain it after filming? ...was any of it makeup and cgi? >.> Zeus was such a disappointment; i loved it Valkyrie was on point like a mofo the moment she saw that thunderbolt in action so much queerness in that "take off your disguise scene" they actually brought in Gladiator; holy shit moment yeah, there are a few moments where the editing/pacing throws it off the battle in the colorless place was interestingly done (at first)

Just realized the movie's too short for Mighty Thor's story and arc, let alone her relationship with Thor. We should've gotten to see her grow into the position more and then love eachother for longer. Like, dafuq; this dat shit a YouTuber talked about with Spiderman No Way Home's Mary Jane problem. 🙄 [Saving MJ: The Feminism of the Spider-Man Films by verilybitchie] Could've been so much more, especially considering the subtitle. Were they not willing to do a part 2, or were the scenes cut from the theatrical release? Disa-fucking-pointment.

[agivins10]

Thor: Love and Thunder - Opinionated Review and Reaction

                As a Thor super fan, I was quite disappointed with the character’s most recent film released to the public. The movie definitely was not bad, but it also was not very good. It seems as if the character’s previous film was a fluke within the series as it has been the only outstanding one yet. Both the first two and the most recent one has been average to below average. With that being said, there is a lot to break down.

                While the first two films seemed to possess a more negative, depressing in a way, tone, Thor: Love and Thunder has certainly followed in the footsteps of its predecessor Thor: Ragnarok, which has a more positive and comedic tone. Or at least it tried to follow those same footsteps. Although the aspects were certainly present, they were not executed in the same manner. The comedy caused the story to fall short of what it could have been. Many fans have come out to say that the comedy itself seemed to take priority over writing a good story. This has since been confirmed, in a way, with director Taika Waititi actually saying that if it were up to him there would be even more comedy incorporated. Not only did the comedy effect the story, but it also had an impact on the dialogue, which felt very forced at times. My final address for the comedy would be that some of it felt quite childish as well. Although there were some parts that were genuinely hilarious, others were cringe. The screaming goats for example, were maybe funny at first, but became overused and annoying very quickly. On the other hand, the constant feud between Thor’s two mighty weapons throughout the whole movie was top tier comedy. It created a connection with the audience in a way, as many are able to relate to complicated relationships.

                For the most part, the movie was absolutely beautiful, and the cinematography and CGI were executed to perfection. There was one scene that is stuck in my head though. That would be the opening scene in which Thor finally enters the battle that his friends have been fighting without him. It was a good scene, but his super jump/ flying entrance to the battlefield looked like very poor CGI. Other than that, the movie was aesthetically pleasing.

                With the negatives out of the way, let’s talk about what was done right with Thor: Love and Thunder. The cast was excellent. Chris Hemsworth was stunning and gave an amazing performance. He did the absolute best he could have done with the script that he was given. The same can be said for Natalie Portman and her return to the MCU. It was later revealed that on the day of those two’s kissing scene, Hemsworth chose to not eat meat due to Portman being vegan. This act was certainly noticed and appreciated by her. They weren’t the only two to have superb performances though. Christian Bale had the best performance within this movie, and it was not even close, in my opinion of course. There were many raised eyebrows by his character’s appearance, but his acting skills allowed him to portray Gorr the God Butcher perfectly. Although it would have been nice to see the character be more menacing in his actions, such as being able to see him kill more Gods, that is another issue with the story and will not be a knock on Bale’s performance. Russell Crowe certainly gave a great performance during his short amount of screen time. He was able to portray the arrogance of Zeus perfectly. Unfortunately, Tom Hiddleston did not make an appearance. We will have to see what happens with his character, Loki, in season two of his show, and if he is ever able to interact with Thor again.

                Fans like me can rest for now as we know Thor will be returning to the MCU, as all of us found out in the same way as Chris Hemsworth himself – on the big screen, but it is unknown which version of the character we will be seeing. Will it be average, above average, or below average?

[worldsfattestdog]

Cgi quality be damned, Snyder cut of JL is a god tier superhero movie. The fucking scene with the old gods and lanterns and Atlantans and Amazon's and all the different armies of man. Oh my fucking god. And that shit was just CUT from the theatrical. Chills. The most epic fucking scene in the live action DCU, ever. It is BAFFLING how bad the theatre cut fucked it. Synder literally deserved an Oscar for this. This is what comic book movies should look like. Brutal. Crazy. Awesome. Action. Epic. Blood. Music. Only improvements could be to replace gal godat with an actress who is good at acting and to use the electric cello ww theme a little more instead of the ancient lamentation music

[bates--boy]

[Popcorn and candy tray ready]

[TV set up]

[Peter picked up the remote and pressed play] Birdemic, let's fucking gooooo!!!!

--

... Why is the intro just three minutes of driving? Why is the music starting over? Why didn't someone edit it to make it longer?

--

My dude out here walking like a fucking Sims character.

--

Hmm, top-tier acting here.

Why is there so much noise happening in the background?

... wait, were they recording the diner scene during business hours?!

--

This chat is so loooong and stilted...

.... So, we're just gonna watch her walk away? Not even a gratuitous ass shot?

--

Oh, great, more driving...

Oh! We're stopping for gas! Now, we're getting somewhere!

Yep, that is indeed a Chevron gas station.

.... Annnnd we're back on the road....

--

These dialogue shots are AWFUL!!

--

Why is her ringtone a fucking tricycle bell?

--

Not gonna lie, this movie makes me WANT to pollute.

--

I love how he said he was gonna take her to a Good Vietnamese restaurant and it's fucking Thai. Hashtag racism.

Also, dude is such a fucking marketing shark, he should have enough money to take her to a nice place in downtown, not somewhere that looks like drunk college kids go to down the street.

--

Why the fuck the birds look like sticker GIFs? They couldn't fucking rent some real ones?

Oh, god, that nightclub background...

--

They keep messing up their lines. [Cackles like fucking hell]

--

... Oh! His name is Rod! I completely forgot....

--

So many... Clapping shots...

--

"She's my hot Ferrari" I hate you, I hate the writer, I hate your family, I hate your dog, I hate God--

--

Wait, this was supposed to be a romantic action thriller. Where's the action and thriller?

--

Stop biting me, Jack!! Daddy's doing movie reviewing work!!

--

WHAT THE FUCK KINDA CGI BIRD IS THAT?!

--

I am so pissed that the only good actor is the bar waiter. Like, unreasonably angry.

--

[Dances to "Just Hanging Out"]

--

[Sits there scowling at the TV, wondering why he's watching two legs barely moving on a bed and awkward footsies]

... Oh, they're having sex!

--

Wait, that's how they introduce the bird attacks? Just cut right to it, huh?

-

[his body is fucking heaving from laughter, the goddamn CGI sticker birds]

--

I love how the birds are basically staying in one place in the air!

Dramatically farting your eyes from side to side with long and awkward pauses: Acting!

"I'm Ramsey! This is my girlfriend, my son I have during the weekends, my dog I like to take on walks in the park. I know we're in the middle of a bird attack, but let me introduce you to my parents and sisters and cousins and best man of my previous wedding, Kenneth--"

--

[This is it. This is the thing that kills him. Peter is curled up on the couch, clutching his stomach, the rest of his snacks spilled on the floor, watching through literal tears in his eyes as they wave fucking hangers at the shoddily edited 2-dimensional birds.]

[Papa and Dad, he is so sorry that he almost never called before he departed. Peter loves you]

--

Nothing says Murica like randomly shooting into the air at unseen enemies. Because fuck innocent victims.

--

WHY WAS THE KID IN THE TRUNK?!

--

The kids sound so robotic... "Golly gee, thank you, ma'am..."

--

[Gasps] Doritos Collision! Oh, man, I miss those!

--

In order to remember that this is a family film, you HAVE to have a picnic scene in the middle of an animal attack. Just a rule of thumb.

Why is there such moving music in this over-explanation scene, what the fuck did I miss?

DUDE, I CAN'T FUCKING HEAR YOU!! TURN THE NOBLE AND MOVING MUSIC ON REPEAT DOWN!

--

Why do they have neck wounds?! When did the birds even--?! [Vague and wild hand gestures]

--

Don't you hate it when you're taking a shit in the middle of the open field and a sticker bird awkwardly hovers over your face to rip your throat out?

"I didn't do anything!" Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!

Bro, birds are typically twenty pounds at the most. Just roll up your fucking windows.

--

I can hear the editing team right now: "Okay, plaster some birds on this side of the bus, and over here, and over this window..."

EWWWWW THEY PISSED ON THEM!!

EWWWWW IT'S ACIDIC PISS!!

Oh, my god, you all had like a twenty-second head start to get to the car! But you just stood there! Y'all deserved to die!!

--

Sure, we're in the middle of a birdemic, but let me keep this business running.

"We don't have enough explosions in this scene, so let's have a bird randomly launch itself into the gas pump."

--

Don't you hate it when you're stealing gas from someone and a bird randomly slices through your neck? (Why is there a cut on his cheek?)

Don't fucking leave your tank of gas!! Wasn't it a hundred bucks?!

--

[Narrows eyes] ... Woody Harrelson?! Oh, buddy...

--

Oh, my god, if I hear one more fucking environmentalist speech, I will drop a box of plastic straws into the ocean!

--

Why are you running? Why are you running?!

--

[In his best Smoky the Bear voice] Oh, shut up, all those fires were small and localized, you didn't inhale SHIT!!

--

"Oh, look! A conveniently placed fishing pole!And an expensive portable cooker! Just when we were talking about how hungry we were!"

--

I mean, your parents had died merely hours ago, but sure, now's a good time to toss the ball around. Never lose your childhood innocence.

"I want a happy meal" YOUR PARENTS ARE DEAD!! THERE IS NO HAPPINESS FOR YOU LEFT!!

--

"Oh, no! There are seagulls at the sea!!"

When the fuck did they get their gas tank back?!

Why are they kids just... Jerking and twitching? Is that supposed to be fear?!

Roll. Up. The. Fucking. Windows.

--

That bird that killed itself by launching into the windshield? Mood.

--

Wait, so one of them dies on the windshield, and they all just LEAVE? That's it? What the FUCK KINDA SHIT--!!

--

What a beautiful departure: computer generated birds flying in one spot over the ocean as our characters watch from the distance.

Jesus Christ, fix the fucking mike.

Oh, my god, okay, I think we've seen enough of the birds. They're gone. They're done. They sought God and repent of their sins...

... That's how you lead into the end credits? Dear God... The birds aren't even getting farther away.

--

I am gonna pollute so fucking hard now because of this movie.

[alterac]

I know it’s pointless to just make noise about how bad GoT is now because that’s like pointing at a piece of shit no one is asking you to look at and just loudly proclaiming WOW GUYS LOOK AT HOW MUCH IT STINKS but here we are let’s fucking go. (Spoilers from tonight’s episode if anyone even cares at this point)

Dear lord the GoT narrative is such a hot fucking mess.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s been a hot mess for a long ass time but holy shit y'all.

Hamfisted unnecessary sisterly rivalry. Travel timelines thrown out the window. Bad bad bad writing and guuh Emilia Clarke’s flat acting.

What the hell was up with that conversation between Tyrion and Dany? It’s just him trying to give some sound advice and pointing out she has a temper, something her family is notorious for, and she’s just like SAY THAT TO MY THREE DRAGONS AND MY KICKASS MILITARY STRATEGY OF BRINGING NAPALM TO A SWORDFIGHT. D&D are insanely tone deaf when it comes to writing her. (I could write a paper on how much they wanged up her story dear lordt)

Dany’s mystical giant murder child dies and she only looks like. Idk mildly surprised and disappointed? Since the grimdark color filtering is so intense in those scenes you can’t even tell if it was Rhaegal or Viserion that died. She doesn’t even say their name. I know Drogon is the Important Big Boy but bitch you got three dragons and the only emotional connection made for the audience is formed with the plot armor dragon. You like talking about how these are the only kids you'll ever had and thank god honesty if your reaction to your kid dying is whatever the fuck that heterosexual Necessary Plot romance scene was it's probably for the best.

Speaking of plot armor am I losing my mind or did those extras that died on the zombie retrieval beard squad just sort of randomly appear? I did not notice them at all in any other shots. You can’t tell whose who in all the snow and bulky gray furs. Thank god for deus ex machina uncle. (Fun fact: when I googled deus ex machina to make sure I spelled it right the first google results were tweets talking about tonight’s episode.)

I find the Arya/Sansa thing to be so deeply insulting? Like, watching Arya suddenly go so aggro on Sansa feels so insanely out of character for her. Arya spends six seasons hyper fixated on revenge and coming home but the thing she brings to the table in the end is a sibling rivalry between a 10 and 13 year old that she’s never brought up since season 1. They play it off like Baelish has been doing some high tier manipulating to make this happen when literally all he did was like one (1) thing. it just feels like some weird personal slight bc they’re making us watch such low tier sexist garbage. Also where the fuck is Mr. Omniscient Bran? The one person who could clear the air with like two sentences is just conveniently children of the corn-ing by his cellphone tree.

Also I get the sense that production value has gone down? Like they spent all their money on CGI so they just sort of half assed physical sets and shit bc fuck you this is GoT you’ll take it and like it. I know costume design quality plummeted after the original costume designer left after s5.

Someone buy me plane tickets so I can suplex D&D into a dumpster like any mouth breathing smug self congratulatory dipshits deserve.

[nightmareonfilmstreet]

Five So-Bad-They're-Good Horror Movies to Cure Your Post-Halloween Depression

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Five So-Bad-They're-Good Horror Movies to Cure Your Post-Halloween Depression

It’s that time of year again, folks. Yes, that irrepressible sadness achieved by horror fans once Halloween comes to a close and all of the spooky fun has been had. Parties attended, candy collected, and now it’s time to go back to your boring, non-spooky existence.

Or is it?

Plenty of websites will give you lists of the best movies out there guaranteed to shock and horrify you. This list will not give you any of those. The following is a list of five horror films that might incite a different reaction in you. This list contains the best of the worst, the most unintentionally hilarious ‘horror’ films ever put to the silver screen. There’s always been something fascinating about movies that set out to scare and end up creating joy in their sheer ineptitude, and for some reason horror seems to be a genre full of these types of movies.

Bear in mind, however, that everyone’s taste is subjective, and what might be considered irredeemably awful to one moviegoer is god-tier cinema to another. None of the movies on this list are meant to offend anybody who likes them, and in fact, I encourage you to seek them out. Sometimes a good, old fashioned spooky laugh can be just what you need to cure the post-Halloween blues.

  5. The Wicker Man (2006)

A remake of what was once called “the Citizen Kane of horror films” is already a tough one to get right. No matter how much heart and soul you put into your final product, fans of the original are always going to come at you with their grievances with your remake. Despite this, sometimes you get a remake that not only seems to have been made by people who didn’t care about the original, but seems to have no regard for movies as a concept.

The Wicker Man is based on the 1976 film of the same name, which is most notable for having starred Christopher Lee, who often cited the part as his favorite of all of the roles he’d played. The original is beloved by critics and horror fans everywhere, coming in as number one on quite a few ‘best of’ horror lists. For those who love 70s British horror, its must-see.

It’s intriguing, then, that the remake has somewhat overshadowed the original due to its infamy. It’s hard to pin down exactly what makes this movie so enjoyably terrible. Maybe it’s the fact that Nicolas Cage seems to be constantly shouting; Maybe it’s the weird obsession that the movie seems to have with bees and honey; Maybe it’s the weird matriarchal cult that comes across just a tad bit sexist in hindsight. Whatever the reason, The Wicker Man remains a classic of so-bad-it’s-good horror.

Choice Quote: “How’d it get burned? HOW’D IT GET BURNED?”

  4. Manos: The Hands of Fate (1966)

Most who know about this movie know about it due to it’s being spotlighted in 1993 on Mystery Science Theater 3000. However, even without the commentary from the crew of the satellite of love, this movie is still one kicker of a beautifully bad movie.

What do you get when you combine a barely-experienced crew and actors, endless scenes of characters aimlessly driving around, polygamist Satanic cult members, and random insert scenes that have little-to-nothing to do with the plot? Well, you get Manos: The Hands of Fate, a 1966 minimal-budget horror film about a family on a vacation who encounter a cult. That’s really about all there is to it. The editing is poor, the acting is wooden. At one point a random pair of teenagers making out in a car and being caught by a police officer interrupts the plot, as if to say to the audience, “We realize there’s not much else interesting happening here, so here’s some eye candy while you wait for something to actually happen.”

According to Wikipedia, the whole thing started when director, producer, and star Harold P. Warren made a bet with a friend that it would be easy to make a horror movie. From that, we got Manos. Oh, and there are a few random scenes where the wives of the movie’s villain The Master get into catfights, seemingly for no reason other than the director wanted to show some women fighting. Take that as you will.

Choice Quote: “Enough! Enough of this stupid bickering! The child must die! If you persist in this foolishness, your usefulness will come to an end!”

  3. Plan 9 From Outer Space (1959)

Ed Wood is an interesting director for many reason. For more information about what an enigma that man was, check out Tim Burton’s 1994 biopic. But Wood’s 1959 science fiction-horror feature Plan 9 From Outer Space was cited by Seinfeld as one of the worst movies ever made, and continues to amuse to this day. In a deceptively simple plot, this early feature of the zombie genre (pre-Night of the Living Dead, even!) follows an alien invasion in which the alien’s main goal seems to be the reanimation of dead bodies. Thus, the deceased rise from their graves to pursue the living, referred to not as zombies, but as ‘ghouls’ by the characters.

One notable feature of the film is the fact that frequent collaborator and friend of Ed Wood, Bela Lugosi, has a part in the film. However, halfway through production, Lugosi tragically died, and in the meanwhile Wood brought in a stand-in to hold Lugosi’s place for the scenes with him that they hadn’t shot yet. This results in Lugosi’s stand-in (Tom Mason, by name) attempting to hide the fact that he was not, in fact, Bela Lugosi, by wearing a rather ridiculous-looking Dracula cape and holding it over half of his face. It’s as silly as it sounds.

In addition, the movie features some truly hilarious special effects, including a shot of a UFO flying over California that’s very obviously a paper plate, and a plot that seems to combine The Day the Earth Stood Still and White Zombie into one hilarious package.

Choice Quote: “And remember my friend, future events such as these will affect you in the future.”

  2. Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)

Birdemic is inspired by Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds, but upon an initial viewing, the parallels fall flat when compared to the movie’s many technical faults. The atrocious CGI is overshadowed only by the wooden acting and the flat plot. The film follows a software salesman and his Victoria’s Secret model girlfriend who suddenly find their town under attack by killer birds that, get this… spit acid and explode into flames when they touch the ground.

If this doesn’t sound good enough for you, just look at those birds. No, your eyes aren’t deceiving you. They don’t remotely blend with the background at all. It looks more like they’ve been merely copy-pasted into the frame than animated whatsoever. One has to watch them in motion to truly appreciate how awkward they move. It’s very obvious that they’ve not been rendered properly, and instead of the fluid motion traditionally associated with computer-generated effects, the bird’s wings flap jerkily, and spin around in a strange 360 degree motion. The movie has been compared to good-bad predecessors such as Plan 9 because of it’s strange and awkward tone, and in fact has been called “the best worst film [of] 2010.”

Choice Quote: “And many have died from starvation, due to the difficulty of finding enough food, such as seals.”

  1. Troll 2 (1990)

You’ve seen the clip on YouTube. A young man in glasses stares, horrified, while a fly crawls leisurely across his face. “They’re eating her…” he intones, ominously, “and then they’re going to eat me. Oh my GOOOOOOOOD!” But Troll 2 is more than just one viral video of bad acting. Dig a little deeper, and you’ll find yourself what I believe to be the best bad horror movie there is.

There’s a lot to dissect here. First of all, the name Troll 2 is misleading. The movie is not actually related in any way to the 1986 fantasy film Troll. The movie was actually an unrelated Italian film called Goblins, but when it was released in America, the studio thought it better to attach the film to a previously released property. Most of the conflict on the set came from most of the crew being Italian and not having a very firm grasp of the English language, and that includes the screenwriter, whose clunky dialogue is a staple of this film’s notoriety. According to many of the American actors in this movie, they offered many times to try to make the dialogue sound more natural and a little less like it’d just gotten run through Google Translate, but the director, Claudio Fragasso, shot that one down.

This movie contains many things, but nowhere among those things are any trolls. Yes, you heard me correctly. The movie called Troll 2 contains no actual trolls. The creatures seen above are referred to as goblins throughout the whole thing. The town they live in is even called Nilbog. (No prizes to those among you who can tell in two seconds what ‘Nilbog’ spells backwards. Seems these goblins learned their disguise tactics from Son of Dracula.)

And that doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of this mess of a film, which also contains an erotic corn on the cob-eating scene. Yes, really. It must be seen to be believed.

  And that concludes the list! Hopefully those of you out there who like a more low-key Halloween got to enjoy some classics of the horror genre, but as a connoisseur of cult cinema, I felt as though it was necessary to spotlight some more unconventional Halloween favorites. So pop one or more of these into your DVD slot or look them up on Netflix, and be prepared to laugh. You might even forget that it’s November.

[glenngaylord]

GAY PRIDE – My Review of THE LION KING (3 ½ Stars)

[Excerpted from https://thequeerreview.com/ ]

Ready for a hot take? I don’t always love animated films. Give me the crappy cut-out look of South Park or the gloriously fluid old school Looney Tunes shorts, but otherwise, I sometimes feel like my eyes are bleeding.  I don’t mean to take anything away from the incredibly talented artisans who have brought so much joy and wonder to the world.  It’s an eyeball thing.  Speaking of which, I also don’t like the eyeballs on Disney characters. They’re so big and round and sweet. I think I know one person in the world with eyes like that and everyone calls him Aladdin, but it’s not really a compliment.  Everyone else I know squints and looks dead inside. Maybe I need new friends, or maybe I’m just cranky.  

All of this is to say that despite the cries that Hollywood operates at a bankrupt creative standstill, that cash grabs represent the new normal filled with remakes and reboots, and that cynical decisions only occur on days that end in “Y”, I don’t necessarily hate that Disney has decided to churn out “live action” versions of their classic animated films.  As much as I loved the original 1994 The Lion King,  a CGI, photorealistic update sounded like something I could watch without experiencing a cavalcade of onion tears.  I may be alone with this strange affliction of mine, but audiences have sure turned up to see something they’ve pretty much seen before.  

I enjoyed director Jon Favreau’s update on The Jungle Book, but my expectations were truly low for this one.  Using Hamlet as its template, the original film beautifully told the tale of Simba, a young lion who when banished from his pride by his evil Uncle Scar, goes on a journey to discover the importance of standing firm for those you love and realizing your destiny.  The Elton John/Tim Rice songs, while sappy as hell at times, could not be more memorable, and who can resist that commanding drum beat and cut to the title card at the very end of “The Circle Of Life”?  When that baboon holds Simba up to his adoring animal kingdom, it’s one of the greatest cinematic moments of all time.  

Yet there I sat, expecting the worst. Had I hated the film I was going to title my review, ”The Circle Of Lifelessness”.  I expected a pointless remake with expressionless creatures moving their lips to dialogue, but what I experienced instead, while problematic in terms of pacing issues and one particularly not great vocal performance, truly entertained and delighted me. The Lion King 2.0: No More Tears (Enough Is Enough) not only provided me with a more palatable way to view the same story, but it updated it just enough to make it a little more relevant and a whole lot gayer.

Ok, if you’re one of those millions of moms who don’t have a gay child, or don’t know anyone with a gay child, or you’re just a closed-minded, out of touch gorgon, you need to calm down.  The new film isn’t outwardly gay, but much like placing Paul Lynde dead center on Hollywood Squares or Charles Nelson Reilly in the top right tier on Match Game, The Lion King has traded in a perfectly wonderful and gay Nathan Lane as Timon the Meerkat for the truly hilarious, scene-stealing and equally gay Billy Eichner.  It’s the equivalent of going from Will & Grace’s Jack to Bianca Del Rio of Rupaul’s Drag Race fame.  The quips feel way more 2019 -more biting, nihilistic, dystopian, the world is ending, in a Years And Years is so dead-on kind of way!  And yes, even though Timon and his BFF warthog friend Pumbaa (a perfect Seth Rogen) aren’t technically a ‘shipworthy couple we would call Timbaa, make no mistake, Timon is a gay homosexual and Eichner gives one of the best vocal performances I’ve heard in ages.  Evidently, he improvised many of his lines, including my favorite as he arrives at a Pride Rock which has been left barren by Scar and his pack of hyenas, “Talk about a fixer-upper. I think you went heavy on the carcass.” I think Queer Eye’s Bobby Berk should start taking notes!  All of this is to say that Eichner elevates what could have been the draggy second act of the film and sends it into the comedy stratosphere.  

The pacing, at times, does suffer.  Without the benefit of jaunty animation, watching animals traversing the savanna gets a little cumbersome, and the facial expressions of the characters don’t carry emotions in the same way.  I actually preferred the new version.  I had no problems deciphering their feelings, and, in fact, I found their edgier looks a better match for our current mood.  It’s as if the animals, no longer living in a pre-9/11, pre-Trump world, know we humans have messed everything up and they’re deadly serious and seriously pissed off.  Welcome to The Lion King 2.0: The Larry David Version!  

As for the performances, Eichner and Rogen aside, we also get a strong turn from John Oliver as Zazu, the flittering hornbill.  Chiwetel Ejiofor, while no Jeremy Irons, makes Scar a terrifying Iago, although his famous, “You have no idea” moment doesn’t work as well here since the original was a callback to Irons’ unforgettable line in his Oscar winning Reversal Of Fortune.  James Earl Jones returns as Mufasa, because nobody can ever replace him.  Do you hear me, Morgan Freeman?  Nobody!  Not even you! And you’re the Voice of God!  Beyonce acquits herself quite well as Nala, as does Shahadi Wright Joseph as the younger version.  Young Simba couldn’t be more adorable and heart-melting.  Try not to go “Awww” when he attempts his first roar. JD MCrary exudes utter cuteness here, especially during his number, “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”, but then, unfortunately the movie flatlines when Donald Glover takes over as his grown-up counterpart.   He sounds half asleep and fairly bland in the big duet, “Can You Feel The Love Tonight” or whenever reciting lines.  I’m suspecting it’s an actor’s choice to internalize the guilt and shame Simba experienced as a toddler and turn into a self-serious, lumbering bore, but it’s not enough to sink a film with such fantastic moments as “Hakuna Matata” or the on-the-beat stomping we revel in during “The Lion Sleeps Tonight”.  

Technically, the photorealism may resemble a National Geographic special, but with better lip-syncing, yet I did find myself missing the darker qualities of the glowing-eyed hyenas and the elephant graveyard from the original.  The wildebeest stampede looks real, which somehow isn’t half as scary as a hand-drawn interpretation.  We get more daylight in the new film, making me yearn for the inky blacks of animation.  In either version, however, we enter quasi-religious Aslan territory when Simba speaks to his dead father in the clouds.  That kind of corniness doesn’t quite land the way it did in the early 90s.

Despite its flaws, it’s a stirring, impressive film.  It may not have the most urgent reason for existing in that it pretty much trades in one kind of beauty for another, but Billy Eichner is worth the price of admission alone.  Timon may ping on the same old gay best friend character tropes we’ve known for so long, but it’s still a fresh take.  He may yell a lot, but he infuses it with kindness and some genuine affection for his big, dopey friend Pumbaa.  We could all use a little more Billy in our lives right now.