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pacifymebby · 2 years

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could you possibly do the peaky lads where their s/o who seems “out-there” to others (not weird like crazy and loud) as in doesn’t fully understand social cues, might speak before thinking, not understanding or realizing the vibe of a conversation in time/at all, but ultimately being good-intentioned and tries hard to act “right”? (essentially maybe being someone on the spectrum and if this sounds personal that’s bc it is lol) ty for ur consideration :) 🤍🤍

Okay so, i have adhd and suspected but not diagnosed autism so i based a lot of this on my own experiences but also just wanted to say thank u for the ask i love this its v v cool.

Tommy

🌿Is probably taken back by it at first, his whole thing is being able to predict how other people behave and respond and when he can't do that with you he finds it throws him

🌿 At first... Once he knows he can't ever account for how you'll respond to him or how you'll feel about a situation he stops trying to control things or predict things and kind of realises he just has to be himself, no frills, no tricks, just plain old Tommy

🌿 Theres a moment the first time you meet, where he's talking to you, probably warning you away from the part of the city youre in, trying to put on the dangerous man act, when it becomes apparent that although youre listening to him (he thinks you're listening to him anyway?) your mind is clearly wandering and before he's finished speaking you cut him off with "Well i have to come here... Thats my favourite bakery," you point over his shoulder and he's a little stunned...

"Excuse me?" he looks at you in confusion, wants to ask why you can't just go to a different bakery but senses that if he does you might actually answer him...

🌿He realises pretty early on that any sense of danger you have is outweighed by your own stubborness/ routine. You're going to keep walking past the betting shop to get to your bakery whether he likes it or not, so he can either adjust and make time in his busy schedule to acompany you to the bakery, or he can let you get on with it.

🌿 So you get to see a side of him that he doesn't usually show anyone anymore. Things start out awkward but quickly become very natural once Tommy lets go of his need to control every element of his life.

🌿So other people don't really understand what you've done or how you've done it, but they notice the change in Tommy when youre around and they say that youve done him a lot of good. They think you're really good for him.

🌿 You're nervous to meet his family because you are aware that sometimes other people dont understand you, in a society of rules and set manners, you often come across as rude or a little odd... But Tommy would reassure you, probably by pointing out that youre about to enter a family full of "witches, psychics and murderous thugs" (joking of course) so how can anybody possibly say that you're the odd one...

🌿And when you meet his family he's watching you the whole time, trying to make sure he notices if you get overwhelmed or if you feel uncomfortable.

🌿 When youre nervous your habit of ramblimg very quickly can get worse and when he notices this happening he gives your hand a squeeze and makes sure hes following the conversation so he can answer when youre done... You have a tendency to leave people in stunned silence and he doesnt want you to be embarrassed

🌿 In the same vein, when you miss social cues, don't realise someones made a joke, don't realise you're being spoken to and need to answer, Tommy will gently, subtly nudge you in the right direction or just start to answer for you so that you know you can speak.

🌿 Also if its an important meeting or social event thats happening in which you will be on public display he will go through every step of the evening with you telling you what you should say when you greet certain people, when you should shake hands ect ect. He will explain different peoples personalities and mannerisms too, "When you meet him he'll probably try to charm you, he tells lots of terrible jokes, none of them will be funny but when he laughs you should laugh too, don't worry if you don't understand the joke, they're usually so bad no one else does either..." he will make sure you feel prepared to navigate the evening!!

🌿If anyone makes any sarcastic comments in front of you, theres a chance they will go over your head, but tommy will pick up on it and put whoever said it in their place. Hes probably more protective of you and feels he has to shield you from everyone who doesn't understand you

🌿 There are definitely times when he's been in the middle of a very tense conversation with one of his brothers or in the middle of a family meeting when the vibe is "tense" and you've not really picked up on the seriousness of a conversation, so have asked what to anyone else would be deemed a trivial question... John might smirk, Arthur probably frowns and can't hide his confusion... But tommy would just answer your question plain and simple.

🌿And the rest of the family would be able to tell from the look he gave them not to say a word.

🌿 When someone is flirting with you and you dont realise (because idk about you but unless someone is straight up "do you wanna fuck" i will not notice at all, and if they say something too obvious then i just think its a joke) Tommy will just quietly tell you, he'll be a mixture of proud and possesive, "you do realise what that man wants from you don't you angel?" "What?" "You..." "Oh, well... Thats unfortunate for him i guess?..."

🌿Ultimately the gist of this is that its amusing for everyone else seeing how Tommy has to relax and accept a loss of control when he's around you... And he is forced to open up, umwind and be less uptight because of you too. You definitely bring out the good in him.

Alfie

🐻 Alfie is exceptionally endeared to you, he thinks its cute when he catches you looking lost in conversation, he just wants to put an arm around you, take you under his wing.

🐻 The first time he met you, when he introduced himself to you and you didn't quite catch what he'd said so instead of asking you just hesitated, looking back at him waiting for him to say something else... He pretty much decided from then on that he was going to keep you around, he'd have a protective attitude towards you even if really you don't need protecting.

🐻 He would try to teach you a little about the streets of Camden, try to teach you some street smarts... Because he doesnt like the thought of you out there on your own... But if you weren't a quick learner he wouldn't mind. He'd be very patient with you, and honestly he probably enjoys being that person you look to for help in any situation.

🐻 He will also try to help you prepare for any social events which might be intimidating for you, giving you all the gossip and intel to help you behave accordingly with each person... Unfortunately he will let his own opinions get in the way, he'll refer to a person by his own personal insults "fat boy" or "mummys boy" little nicknames he gives to each person, which you may once or twice have been known to accidently blurt out upon an introduction.

🐻 He likes to catch your eye across a room and feel like he's your protector when he walks over, stands just behind you and picks up the conversation for you.

🐻 He can talk for England can Alfie and i think the first time you interrupt him, mid-sentence this excited smile on your face because you know exactly what he's talking about!

🐻 He'd be amazed the first time you cut him off like that but i think afterawhile, as he got used to it, he'd enjoy it, the two of you would have such long conversations cutting in on one another, talking about ten different things at once

🐻 Hes lowkey impressed by your ability to understand him and follow his train of thought when he's talking complete shit.

🐻 You're the only person who is allowed to interrupt him.

🐻 Ollie is lowkey jealous that you get away with all of your mishaps because he doesnt.

🐻 Alfie doesn't see any problem with the way you are, if other people say you seem odd or "out there" he just shrugs and says "wellllll i like 'em..."

🐻 More than that, Alfie actually enjoys the fact that you often misstep in conversation with others... He likes to see the looks of confusion on other people's faces when you say or do something they aren't expecting. He absolutely won't help them when you catch them off guard with a question they weren't expecting.

🐻 "Well? The little lady asked you a question... Didn't she..."

🐻 He would constantly be battling internally with whether to let you help him with business or not... On the one hand you'd be excellent at unnerving his opponents without even trying... But on the other hand you are so precious to him and he wouldn't want you anywhere near those kinds of people. Especially when you sometimes don't pick up on the vibe of the conversation, you might not realise if you were being threatened...

🐻 One thing he does find amusing but does spark his over protective and possesive nature, is that you never, NEVER notice when someone is flirting with you... You will giggle along, smile and be your friendly self with someone who is really pushing their luck... And alfie will stand there silently furious but also finding it incredibly funny that this man is trying so hard to charm you, is thinking that its working, but it actually isnt at all.

🐻 He'll cough, take your hand in his and raise your palm to his lips as a way of gently showing you his affection and passive aggressively showing the other man that you're taken.

Arthur

🍂 Arthur strikes me as spectrumy himself to be honest so i think the two of you would either get along incredibly well, having these fast conversations only the two of you can understand, or you'd constantly be misunderstanding eachother and getting confused.

🍂 I think he'd find it funny when you behave unexpectedly in front of Tommy, the fact that you really try to be "good" and polite in front of him but still end up mistepping because you don't pick up on the subtext of the conversation...

🍂 Arthur would find that both adorable and reassuring since he often doesnt pick up on those things either.

🍂 Honestly i think you would understand eachother better than anyone else understands either of you. You'd be able to have such easy conversations about the important stuff because neither of you would cut corners or pussy foot around difficult things... Youd just tell eachother everything exactly how it is/feels to you and then you'd have clarity that isn't there in your relationships with others

🍂 I think your inability to match up to societies expectations would marry up well to his "reject/underdog/outcast" thing too. You're both trying your best to be what other people expect you to be but you're both "failing" and through no fault of your own.

🍂 You would be eachothers salvation and sanctuary from a confusing and frustrating world. Instead of feeling like "whats wrong with me?" you'd come to the conclusion that the real question is "what the fucks wrong with everybody else? Why are we the only sane ones?"

🍂 He would be fiercly loyal and protective of you, if other people like his brothers ever made out like you had "a screw loose" or you were a bit "slow" Arthur would defend you with his whole chest (and fists depending on who said what where)

🍂 When he can tell that you're really struggling to follow a conversation he'll speak for both of you, whether he understands the whole vibe of the conversation or not.

🍂 When you are feeling overwhelmed he'll hold your hand in his lap and give it a tight squeeze

🍂 He fucking hates it when people flirt with you and you dont realise. Sometimes he gets frustrated with you but most of the time his anger is directed at the men.

John

🌼 Adhd king amirite <3

🌼 Who is actually interrupting who here? What are you even talking about anymore?

🌼 You and john would definitely be thick as theives, almost telepathic because you just get eachother in that way that only two neurodivergents can?

🌼 You'd balance eachother out as well, you'd be the laid back half to his excited child chaos.

🌼 Every time you "fucked up" in conversation this man would have your back, doubling down on whatever you said, always taking your side. He'd be fiercly loyal to you and you to him.

🌼 I think he'd make it even harder to concentrate on conversations though, you would be trying hard to listen in a family meeting and John would be whispering to you, knowing he finds it easy to distract you... So if you're missing the vibe of serious conversations its not your fault, its just you have the class clown sitting next to you and you're his favourite person so

🌼 I think you and John would struggle at first when it comes to emotional conversations. You know that bit in Wednesday when her love interest says "You're giving me all these signals Wednesday..." and like, as far as she's concerned she hasnt been giving any signals at all. I feel like at first thats how it would be... He'd be making it obvious how much he likes you... Cheesy flirting, real teenage boy flirting and you'd just think it was a joke IF you noticed it at all

🌼 And one day he'd just be like "y/n what the fucks going on here do you like me or not?"

🌼 "Well of course i like you John, i wouldnt spend all this time with you if i didn't like you..."

🌼 "You know i dont mean it like that y/n..."

🌼 "Like what?"

🌼 Basically you just being kind of clueless that he likes you and him just desperately trying to make it more and more obvious... But then when he finally cracks and says it to you plain and simple, you answer him plain and simple and he feels like a fool for not just talking to you...

🌼 And then when you are together it would be this learning curve for him, that he can't just say serious things in a jokey way because you won't know hes really being serious.

🌼 He has to learn to be a bit less childish sometimes... Only sometimes... Other times you behave like children together much to everybody elses frustration.

🌼 Together you for sure spell trouble and he is definitely ecstatic every time you cut Tommy off or ask him an unexpected question.

🌼 Finds it funny when you don't realise other people are hitting on you, but he does worry it will get you into trouble, that you'll mistake someone being sleazy with you for someone being friendly, so he keeps a close eye on you when youre out, even when youre not out with him

Bonnie

🍀 He's definitely been into you for way longer than you realise... He's been trying to give you signals for so long but they're all so subtle that you don't pick up on them at all

🍀 You're always referring to him as your best friend. You once told someone he was "like a brother" to you.

🍀 He's constantly suffering real teenage angst and yearning for you

🍀 Until one day you blurt it out in conversation and take him by surprise...

🍀 "I said something really stupid and I'm sorry Bonnie!" you'd say in the middle of his sentence about something totally different. Youd be awkward about it, fiddling with your shirt or hair, "I didn't mean to say you were like my brother... You're not that at all actually... Actually i think you're..." he'd be able to see that you are struggling with it but

🍀 He doesnt want to push you or talk over you so he just has to wait it out...

🍀 "think I'm what dove?" he'd be hopeful but not wanting to get his hopes up, because he's used to how unpredictable you can be sometimes, he knows you might not be about to say what he wants you to

🍀 "Actually i think... I really um.. You know..." he'd chuckle at that, biting back a smile as he plays with your fingers, definitely would enjoy teasing you when you steuggle for words/to say the right thing.

🍀 When you finally tell him he'd be so happy, he wouldnt even care that it had taken so long, he'd just be glad you finally understood eachothers feelings.

🍀 He'd be very supportive of you, he'd never let you feel embarrassed or guilty/ashamed if you felt like you'd messed up in conversation

🍀 Similar to Tommy hed make jokes at his family's expense like "You're worried you're the odd one here? Really little dove?"

🍀 Always telling you you're perfect and that he loves you, you're never going to feel like you're not good enough

🍀 Will defend you from any teasing that may come your way

🍀When youre watching him fight you don't hold back when you shout encouragement. You don't really understand when hes throwing the fight unless he spells it out to you first, so sometimes you won't realise and you'll be be shouting at him to "hit back, why aren't you fucking hitting him bon?"

🍀So he learns to warn you and tell you exactly how a fight is supposed to go before it starts. He's lowkey worried youll get him caught!

🍀Bonnie laughs it off when other people flirt with you because "well good luck to em i say, took you bloody years to notice me didn't it," but he does make a point of holding your hand in public, kissing you in public.

🍀 His favourite thing is that the idea of "manners" doesn't hold you back a lot of the time, if the other boys are being cheeky to you you wont hesitate to put them in their place and its always cutting and brutal, more so because you often don't intend for it to be.

Isaiah

🐀Doesn't have the trouble of you not realising he likes you because he is actually straight up with you from the very beginning. "I think me and you would make a good couple what do you say y/n..." "I don't know you..." "Well thats what a dates for... What do you say? I'll pick you up at 7?"

🐀Because hes so straightforward with you, you understand eachother quickly and you are able to trust him very quickly too.

🐀You'd never be confused about where you stand with Isaiah because he always says things simple and truthful and doesn't try to hide or sweeten things for you

🐀Still it takes him by surprise one day when he tries to, he's talking about a job he has to do for tommy, and he's not saying it but you know its dangerous... You turn to him cutting him off mid sentence, "so he wants you to kill them for him? How are you going to do it?"

🐀The way you offer up advice on killing them/disposing of the body so he won't get caught... You just want to make sure he doesn't get caught so that he will be safe, you don't really realise how removed and heartless you sound... When he points it out he says it with an affectionate smirk but you just shrug

🐀"well i just don't want you to get hurt... If i can help you to be safe why wouldn't i? How is that heartless?" he'd be forced to accept that youre right actually, its hardly heartless to care about him.

🐀He would be over protective of you around the others, if other peaky boys looked at you for too long, or tried to tease you, flirting with you and then snickering about the fact you don't seem to realise that they are... Isaiah would put them in their place immediately, wouldn't hesitste to hit them around the back of the head with his cap, shaking his head at them and talking down to them about how they behave like fucking children

🐀When you're worried about messing up in front of people he will be encouraging but in a "so what?" kind of way. He has had to spend his whole life fighting to be respected in the wake of a society that looks down on him for who he is, and his attitude to that is "fuck em" thats what he'll say to you.

🐀"But Isaiah what if i do something wrong and they think I'm..." "who gives a fuck what they think of you love, if you spend your whole life worrying about what the likes of them think about you you'll never be happy, they'll never welcome you with open arms so fuck em... You're fuckin perfect right, a fuckin star... Fuck em... "

🐀Expect lots of these angsty little pep talks.

Michael

☘️ Cares about you alot and can empathise with your embarrassment when you realise you've messed up in conversation by speaking too soon or saying something that isn't exactly relevent at the wrong time... He feels like he can feel it for you

☘️ And his response to this is to try and make sure this happens as little as possible... He doesnt want to make you feel bad about it because he knows you try your best and you just can't help it... But he also hates to see you embarrassed or being laughed at by others so he tries his best to help you get by in social situations

☘️He will write out step by step notes on conversing with certain people (like his cousin tommy who intimidates you) and if you're nervous about something like a job interview or just meeting someone important, then he will let you practice and rehearse the conversation with you too

☘️ He's very supportive in this way, and he'll never leave you to fend for yourself in any situation he doesn't 100% know you'll be accepted in

☘️ He will leave you on your own with Pol though, because he knows she will accept you for everything you are.

☘️ He does get frustrated sometimes when you cut him off but only when he's trying to talk to you about something serious (like your own personal safety) he's constantly reminding you to concentrate or listen to him

☘️ However when you're just talking about things together he likes to let you cut him off and start rambling about something, he loves how your face lights up when something interests you, or how you concentrate when you're explaining a new idea to someone. He could listen to you talk for hours and hours.

☘️ And when you are feeling confident in a social situation michael enjoys being a silent spectator just sitting back and watching you thrive. If you get worried afterwards that you missed the vibe of the conversation or you talked too much he'll shake his head "darlin you were the most interesting person at the table, if you ask me they should have only let you speak, we could all have enjoyed listening to you even longer..."

☘️ He warns his family in advance, and warns tommy especially because he wants tommy to be patient with you and will not tolerate anyone snapping at you or humiliating you.

☘️Really i think, michael was raised in a loving but judgemental family until he found his real mum, i think those prejudices would sometimes sneak up on him, so perhaps at first he would be concious of your differences, however he also knows that those exact prejudices are what meant he was taken from him real mum, they're hnjust and they target good people...so rather than hold those prejudices himself he would be extra concious of protecting you from other people who might hold them

☘️ He won't let anyone say a bad word about you ever, sometimes you'll actually have to be the one to say "calm down michael, he was just joking..."

I hope you like these and that they were what you were wanting, they've taken me a long time because i wanted to get them right i guess!!!

#bonnie gold x reader #peaky blinders imagines #tommy shelby x reader #arthur shelby x reader #john shelby x reader #peaky blinders headcanon #alfie solomons x reader #peaky blinders imagine #peaky blinders

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figitorynonsenseptii · 23 days

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jashpeople approve we ball

anyways so. cracks knuckles lets GO

we're calling this the 'The Spongiform Encephalopathy" AU, or for better terms, "Soul Wasting"

new names for them because Why Not,,,,, I wanna,,,,,,,,,, this is for their infected forms:

Heart becomes Coronary

Soul becomes Pseudocoma

And Mind becomes Supranuclear

disclaimer im not all too medical & shit i just happen to think ~99% fatal disease are really fucking cool

cw for. You know. Pr ion Disease. its a horrific disease that i find interesting ok uhhh. but emphasis on horrific

summary: whole's body mysteriously breaking down Oh what the fuck we're wasting away. Shit goes to hell :(

ok so, in this, whole gets prion disease.

all is fine for a while, aside from occasional weird stuff in the headspace's functioning

but alas, things start breaking down

it starts with mind first, he gains a stagger, loses weight, tremors and such

naturally, soul is worried, heart too but he's standing by the belief that he's just really sick <he's not wrong to an extent??>

so, he's bedridden, sick. unfortunately, that also impairs the whole's thinking and all.... fuck.... oh dea r

his headaches get WORSE, the insomnia, coordination issues, insomnia begin to come in, so now soul's taking care of him since he is in a Bad state

at this point, here comes the part where it sounds like an infection au:

supranuclear becomes sensitive to bright light, frankly loses his whole logic motif? holes start tearing in his skin, spurs & stuff, the slow degenerative state of his body overall. his head is never upright anymore, etc etc (design coming,,, at some point)

soul continues to try and help him, but he's already long gone but results are unsuccessful

meanwhile, whole is losing balance, slurring, suffering a good amount of supranuclear's symptoms, just not on as much of a level. he's likely went to a hospital (hasn't had it diagnosed, likely, CJD is pretty hard to detect if i remember correctly) or the same bedridden predicament as him

they agree to throw it into apathy at some point. it's a husk of mind now.

at some point, soul's next.

his deterioration is much faster (a few weeks compared to the slow rate of... it), and this fucking freaks heart out because its predicament was. an unsavory experience, not one he wants to see again

he falls in depression and back like how he was during the worst of cacophony. Slurred speech, restlessness, muscle contractions, coordination problems, etc.

It undergoes similar degenerative changes, though with more happening to the teeth, ears, and legs.

unlike supranuclear, pseudocoma becomes frenzied.

First thing heart does is hide, after having agreed with Soul to lock him in that room after things got worse and worse. Unfortunately, the damned thing breaks out at some point.

And so, he pulls out the gun in a state of panic, (it could be contagious, it could spread.) {it's inevitable.} and shoots it, multiple times.

Pseudocoma, with staggered steps, summons its trident once more, fear and rationale lost to the deteoration of his mind.

The structures of the headspace finally begins to fall, cracks spur on throughout the "walls", heart feels hot pain within his head and chest. Everything's slowing down.

Finally, Heart's becoming Coronary.

7 minutes, feeling like forever, he wastes away like the other two, as whole passes.

Oh wtf ok i did not mean to do that much

yea. thats abt it. they do live on as sort of,, zombies afterward. (im leaving supranuclear's fate open ended)

good day! thats all harass me for more

#chonny jash #chonny jash au #Ok. Name.#cccc au #CJ TSE au #TSE!Heart #TSE!Mind #TSE!Soul #TSE/Supranuclear #TSE/Coronary #TSE/Pseudocoma #cj heart #heart mind soul #cj hms #cj au #cj mind #cj soul #probably midly written cut me slack ):

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this-should-do · 1 year

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i want to know more about your less developed janitor half life oc because i too have a half life janitor oc

janitor oc havers unite !!!! 🤝🤝🤝🤝🤝🤝

they have no name as of yet (and im open to suggestions lol) but this is a quick doodle page i made for them just for this ask

character thoughts and musings below the cut

anyways, they are very bare bones of a concept, but im thinking this person in my brain is soooooo gossipy, cuz like whats the fun of working in a top secret facility if you dont get to be gossipy about it, like they are so invisible to most people who work there, but boy do they have a lot of friends out of the facility who they talk to and go visit often and i think they have absolutely broken their nda so many times but thats okay they deserve it for how little they get paid and how hard they work.

but tbh i think they dont mind the pay too bad (lying they actually want more pay so much lmao), they appreciate cleaning as it helps manage their compulsive cleaning inclinations,theyre un diagnosed ocd i think but they sure know they Need to clean and getting to indulge it day in a day out as a job is better than suffering constantly trying to do another job and being distressed by grime and germs but it also limits how much they can spend cleaning on one thing which helps them manage their compulsions at home as well thru repeated exposure, its not a cure all obvs but it helps and can be stressful in its own right on somedays. its a great people watching job too if ur happy only being able to listen more than half the time

they specifically got a job at black mesa tho becuz they love the concept of science but they never really got to learn any of it formally (not to say they didnt try but the combo of ocd affecting their mental health, in general struggling with math without an extra hand to grasp it initially, and lack of money money preventing them from attending college, really stopped them from being able to pursue the interest) they really like the all the thought that goes into experiments and analyzing the information, and the cool things that result from it, and more superficilaly they like the look of the machines and the big chunky buttons and the charts and hearing the lingo heavy chatter of people who know what all of it means, they probably have a few magazine subscriptions to science magazines, such as popular science, popular scientist (they think its cool he could feasibly see kleiner at thier work place after seeing him on teh cover of the magazine), and science news

#ask #ponderingradioactivedecay #oc

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kil9 · 1 year

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re: the taemin thing (sorry im so annoying about this but i feel you wanna talk about it as much as me!). i wanted to mention his blinking habit too, but as someone who is not autistic myself (not diagnosticated at least lmao) i was afraid it was just me making assumption but you noticed it to so!!! cool. anyway i could say many more things but the line between being just a strange little dude and being a strange little autistic dude is so thin!!! (like the fact that he eats random stuff at unlikely times of the day or that he's so forgetful). ANYWAY!!!!!! i just really love him and how shinee adapts their behaviour around him to make sure hes comfortable

YES ur never annoying i absolutely wanna talk abt it forever 🥺🥺

(this got kinda long so im putting it in the readmore lol)

but yeah the blinking habit for real !!! ur definitely not wrong to pick up on that ! (i even sponged it from him sometimes lol x_x) its cool that non autistic ppl have an interest in this stuff tbh :3 i think that more ppl understanding autism and all the weird specifics of it is rly the key to our happiness ykno 🤔because most non autistic ppl know literally. jack shit.

also the eating thing YEAH 😭😭 thats also so autism to me. shinee is so good to him !!!! u can tell that even if they dont know WHY he is the way he is, that theyve figured out how he works and how to treat him....

there was such a moment in the 15m thing when key was asking taemin to "prepare" the veggies... and taemin got such a look of dread where hes like "what...... wdym.. ?" & kibum has to be like "CUT THEM taemin" lol 💀💀 its such a silly moment but its SOO quintessential to me for both what its like to be autistic (ie: what the fuck are u saying to me "prepare" this. as if im supposed to know what that means), and what its like to be close with an autistic person (kibum having to kinda remember to "translate" what hes saying for taemin so he knows what hes talking about, it reminds me of how my partner is with me sometimes 🥺)

also back to when im saying they probably dont know why he is the way he is, even if they know all his ins and outs, i think this is probably the same for taemin 🤔 he strikes me as someone who prob doesnt know hes autistic, just knows hes "weird" and "different" and has figured out how to live like that despite. reminds me of myself kind of, cos i wasnt "diagnosed" (used loosely) until maybe 19 ? which is still young but at that point i had already been thru school and everything not knowing x_x its definitely possible to figure your life out & how you work without a diagnosis, and i think it happens all the time, but its also really really hard. i think having a name for it and something u can actually research & learn about is rly helpful. so even tho hes like 30 now im still kinda always hoping he realises 🤔 if it makes his life that much easier ykno ?

this is also why it pisses me off so much that ppl get THAT up in arms when this is brought up. ppl act like falsely "accusing" someone of being autistic will ruin their life, when really its basically harmless (obviously unless ur directly using it as an insult). even the opposite might be true 🤷‍♂️ someone can rly benefit from realising about themselves. also why im so pro self dx !!! even if everyone is "misdiagnosing" themselves these days (🙄 which prob isnt true anyway) like. whats the worst that could happen ? why does it matter if someone is wrong... they might still find some info that will help them 🤷‍♂️ theres not really any autism "resources" that are in scarcity so i dont rly care if someone thinks they are even if theyre not ?

#yea also the reason i say ''diagnosed'' in quotes is cos i was told by like 2 doctors but they didnt want to put it on the record 🤷‍♂️#so im technically not prof dxed but like. i also am 🤦‍♂️#in hindsight i think its good that they didnt bc i think it'd just cause problems... but at the time i was so pissed lol #because it was for rly stupid reasons #even doctors dont know a lot about it if its not their area of expertise 🤷‍♂️

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sleepyheadscompany · 2 years

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THIS IS A RANT, LEAVE IF YOU DON’T WANT TO READ IT!!!

TW for everything DID?? Idk:

Been a bit lost and disoriented for a few days and thought I’d let the void hear all about it.

I’m so fucking done with this system bullshit. Whoever gave this to me can take it the fuck back, I don’t want it and never HAVE wanted it. Can’t imagine why people would want to have this disorder. It sucks. It sucks when I can’t have my partner because of it. it sucks when I keep myself awake for days at a time over sleep anxiety that someone gonna hurt me again. It sucks when I’m in bed crying about not being able to remember shit. It sucks when I’m in bed dealing with flashbacks and nightmares. It also sucks when I’m in bed crying about both of those things and also crying and screaming and kicking at the fact that this is my reality, and I can’t escape it.

I can never get out of my own head. That shit stings. I can’t ever leave, as much as I’ve tried, hence why I have this disorder in the first place. Because I couldn’t handle the shit going on in my head. So, I screwed myself over for life by trying to run away so hard my brain took it too literally and put someone else there so I could run away for a little while, not knowing that that same person would also fuck me over themself later on in life.

I don’t blame them, at least not anymore, for fucking with me like she did. Alters have so much control over each other. They don’t even realize they have that much power most of the time (from my experience, at least). You can fuck with someone’s whole reality and interpretation of the world in a system. Sharing a brain with someone who has a narrative that they won’t give up on to the point that they literally get into your head and fuck up years of your life sucks. If you didn’t catch that already.

I’ll never be the fucking same. I can’t trust anyone. Even the people in my own goddamn head who are meant to protect me. Them’s the breaks I guess..

This disorder has RUINED my life and people WANT to have it????

What kind of masochistic shit is this??

I’d like to personally ask every person that fakes this disorder for fun or who romanticizes it why the fuck they hate themselves so much. Like, I HATE myself, with a very capital H, but even I don’t hate myself enough to want to subject myself to the torment that is this disorder. People are fucking insane, man.

AND THEN there’s the people who want to deny that it even exists???

Like, excuse me but WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK????

YOU AND YOUR BELIFES DETERMINE THE COURSE OF MY LIFE AND THE LIVES OF SO MANY OTHER TRAUMATIZED PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN SO ROYALY FUCKED BY THE WORLD THAT THEIR TRAUMA HAS UPROOTED THEIR LIVES AND YOU WANT TO. WHAT? SAY THAT OUR MASS AMOUNTS OF TRAUMA DIDN’T DO WHAT WE THINK IT DID WHEN WE LIVE WITH THE REALITY OF THE SITUATION EVERY FUCKING DAY?? HOW FUCKING SICK TO YOU HAVE TO BE???

Is all of my suffering and trauma and torment by the hands of people I can’t even escape fake to them? I don’t know what to tell you, man. The science is there. The consistency of symptoms between people that have never even met and all share similar experiences is there. What more evidence do you need? Like the theory of structural dissociation is pretty sound to me and reflects a ton of people’s experiences.

DID has been in the DSM for years and has still kept its place, to this day, in the latest versions. Yet, people are still denying its existence when a good amount of them a) DON’T EVEN HAVE PSYCH DEGREES?? and b) use outdated information on DID and its history. Like, get over yourselves. Not seeing much room for argument. And people LOVE to bring up all the times YEARS AGO that people diagnosed it willy-nilly because it was cool when, nowadays, even some of the worst therapists I’ve ever had are hesitant to diagnose it out of fear of repeating history. Thats gotta mean SOMETHING.

And yeah, I understand that people don’t want to believe that so many young children are getting traumatized so badly it fucks them over from before they reach double digits to the moment they die (sometimes) but FUCK! The world is messed up and the brain does what it’s gotta do to survive dude. Idk man, cry about it, I guess.

I’m so fucking done with everything that comes with DID that I just might do something I’ll regret (I’m not actually gonna do anything, but let me be dramatic.) Everything sucks and I just wanna go home, wherever home is. I’m genuinely gonna cry I’m so fucking done get me out of here PLEASE!! I’m begging and I want out. Lord.

(Came back and read this months later and damn some of this didn’t make sense. I edited some stuff but everything said is the same as before.)

-🐢

#DID System #DID #im so mad #get me tf outta here #TalksWithMio #literally crying rn #someone HELP

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nerin010 · 2 years

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ok. thats it. ive had enough of twitter. time to go back to the og hellsite.

i don't have enough mental energy to redo my entire old account though so i just deleted it lmao.

anyways hi. i'm nerin (name may change in the future if i find a good one). my pronouns are they/them or your choice of xenos or neos (aka anything but he/she/it). i'm not comfortable stating my age, but i am technically still a minor so 😗. i'm autistic (diagnosed) and maybe also adhd? i also have like five other mental illnesses on top of that lol

pr*sh*tters/anti-antis/🍖🌈 mfs get blocked on sight, dni. recovering proshippers are on thin fucking ice, but stay if you want to. (dni also applies to other generalized shitty people like t*rfs, r*cists, insert 3rd example, and other baseline dni criteria).

i'll make a proper intro post n shit later but uhh lmk if yall know of some good accounts for the following fandoms:

cookie run (any of the games)

paper mario (specifically super paper mario)

my singing monsters (just the first one, i just got into it a week or so ago and i only got hyperfixated on it via tiktok lol)

klonoa (any of the games)

not a fandom but if you have any recommendations for must-follow blogs, be sure to leave those too

alternatively, if you aren't in those fandoms, i'll probably also check out content from these from time to time:

nights into dreams (i specify the first game, but either game works for me)

object shows (aib is my personal fav, but all of them r cool and alsp give me *studies you under a microscope* energy ngl

a hat in time (it's been a while but i wanna see how yall are doing)

genshin impact (VERY hesitant about including this one, i'm only here to watch hell burn from the inside out on this one ngl.)

pokemon (again, hesitant about including this one, but i like to see how the fandom's doing occasionally)

animal jam (specifically classic. once again, hesitant to mention this, but nostalgia is asking me to check in on yall. have things improved since the wildworks nft situation? /genq)

not a fandom but art/writing inspiration (esp. writing prompts, color palettes, et cetera)

also not a fandom but stimboards. those things go so hard oml.

edit, 12/28/2022 - i have a gender hoard blog now. mostly because i don't want to clog up this blog's feed w/ reblogged genders haha. link is below.

ok intro over. time to watch this post collect dust for three weeks straight

#intro post; replace later #first post #new to tumblr #new account #introduction #intro post #fandom tags after this //#cookie run #cookie run kingdom #cookie run ovenbreak #paper mario #super paper mario #klonoa #not tagging the other fandoms mentioned but if you wanna tag them in a rb go ahead

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summerlycoris · 3 months

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I havent had a great day today. Gonna chuck it under a cut because its probably gonna be long and annoying.

So i volunteered to help set up and run my workplaces pride stall this year. Got excited to do it- even made some bracelets to put out on the table if they gave me permission.

But the hours were originally 9am setup. Luckily, i checked my work email on my phone the evening prior. Because theyd changed it to 8am.

I would normally work today, but arranged to take annual leave so i could do pride. And ultimately never ended up going because of a few things.

One being just. Executive dysfunction. Im always late for everything- even things i want to do. Especially when- and this might sound stupid- i hate that people expect things of me. Feels stifling. But i signed up for this? But i signed up for a 9am start not an 8am one. And this is my annual leave im using so i dont want to immediately jump out of bed and rush around like on a workday yknow? So even though i wanted to get going before 8am, it wasnt happening.

In the end, i get ready to go there for 9am because. I missed the time to get ready for 8am or even 830am so. On the bikeride over there i got so worked up thinking about how theyll be judging me- all these people who work in the office and i havent met before- they'll be thinking like 'oh summer. Didnt you get the email? This was supposed to start at /eight/. Well, we've already set up... we'll find something for you to do /i guess/.' And even if everyone acted nice to my face, they'd be thinking it and judging me. And i burst into tears halfway there and was just like. Even if i get there now, I'm gonna be crying all day so whats the point? People are just gonna look at me like im a weirdo. And theyd be right.

So i turned around and went home. Texted one of my coworkers that would be there that i wasnt having a good day and couldnt make it. So she'll be looking at me like im a weirdo at work tomorrow too! Cool! And maybe my boss will be judging me- like i went through all this effort to /not/ do something?

I just. Fuck. I dont know why i bother trying to do anything. I just disappoint myself and others.

I dont want other people tp have control over me. But not wanting that doesnt change the fact that they /do/ have control over me. Ive beholden to their expectations. And if i dont meet them ill be judged. Thats how the world works. That should motivate me to get out of bed right?

If anything, knowing that and repeated failures just ensures I keep failing. Keep failing to get anywhere on time- because its hard to fight against anxiety and bitterness, all in a combo one-two punch. Keep failing to /want/ to do things. Because i know ill fuck it up.

Am i making any sense?

Honestly i feel so shit. Might just ring in for work tomorrow too. Im so fucking tired.

And like. Im nearly 30. This kind of tug of war between success and failures been going on since i was a kid. I could actually see about getting diagnosed with adhd and see if /anything/ can help me but all the horror stories about getting diagnosed and what if im just. Wrong. What if its just me and nothing helps? Because i think its a mix of executive functioning issues, and bad mental tbh.

I dont know what to do at this point.

#summerly talks #ill post a picture of the bracelets later maybe idk

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lostacelonnie · 11 months

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Totally understandable ive been dealin with long work & other stuff so i feel ya. My energy levels have been all over the place. Ooh have fun in alicante! Right? Like hey im here sorry ive just been havin a time. Love discord. Hell yeah good times with good friends is always phenomenal news. Oh? Kudos for that there should be a badge for not having gulls try to steal your food. Australian magpies are notoriously asshole birds there's a whole chunk of time called swooping season where they get so vicious that mail people have to wear thick helmets to protect their head. Theres like. So much to learn in history & having adhd makes it hard so i have to pair it with like. A podcast or something to focus but it has grown on me recently too. Wish i could say the same of geography. Cool teachers are the lifeblood of learning i had so many cool science teachers. Thanks! Wolfie & kafka are my other goals of characters to get where i dont have them. Ive just been trying to catch up on the story & finally finished the luofu story. Building characters for me is just yeah this works i dont focus so hard on it anymore. No time for all that. I used arctic fox purple dye which allowed me to not have to bleach my hair so maybe thats an option? Im so ready for furina i have like. 335 wishes ready. I like team building in star rail its more. Relaxed than in genshin it feels like. Pela stays because her debuff is so helpful especially on the luofu. Bye pesky mara struck revival buff. May the courage to wear your choker in public come to you. I have & get compliments when i do. & may the future bring still easy exams for you

thankies ajskdglskjf as you can see it happened Again. ahhhh. school. AND THANK YOU IT WAS EXTREMELY FUN!!!! much better than my first trip there. got to eat SO much spanish food and omg i love all of it. not a single dish i disliked. plus i got to get my needed dose of the sea again! much more than my needed dose, in fact. we went to the beach EVERY EVENING. ive never been by the sea at night b4 and its such an awesome experience...... esp with the besties........... BUT AHEM. ANYWAY. YEAH DISCORD REALLY IS GREAT IN THAT WAY. and thank you o7 i also managed to avoid being robbed by them this time, despite the fact i was literally eating a salami sandwich next to an entire SWARM. every day i thank my luck for that. AND OH GOOD LORD????? HELMETS????? friendliest australian animal i guess 😭😭and ahhhhhh i feel you on that. luckily being diagnosed with the 'tism makes it so that teachers are obligated to let me draw during lessons so at least thats nice. and tbh with geography its funny cos like. i dont really Care about it but 1. its probs one of the easiest extensions and 2. i have an epic prof so i ended up liking it quite a lot as well. AND FOR REALLLLL tha AMOUNT of subjects ive never had a solid opinion on bc of how dependent it is on the teacher. for example my current teacher somehow managed to make me like PE. which feels illegal and yet. anyway, moving on! GOOD LUCK ON GETTING THEMMMMM wolfie has never left my team since i got her. shes op. the luofu story was so good................ tbh i dont rlly know what going on in hsr rn since i for real havent logged in since the release of luofu's last act and am not really planning to but Oh Well. i treat building chars the same way tbh [other than in honkai where i Do actually try to get good gear], i usually dont bother doing anything with my chars if im not outright struggling. not worth my time. AND AHHHHH THATS SO EPIC....... im still hovering around 175 since i havent really played recently but ahhhhh im hyped. and yeah i agree, i feel like its. Easier. to get a good team in hsr than in genshin, not to mention building it. since in genshin a lot of teams are dependent on 5* like raiden for example. who i Do Not Have, by the way. maybe one day. yeah pela IS great omg. AND THANKIES!!!! THE MOMENT I GET EVEN MARGINALLY MORE CONFIDENT ITS OVER FOR EVERYONE. and, once again thx o7!! i managed to get 100% on a chemistry short test so im gonna treat that as a good sign

#also ive been OBSESSED with ''im in love with the villainess'' recently. god. such a good series #asks #pen pals

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janeaustenprotagonist · 1 year

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july 25th 2024 12:06am

what the actual fuck john

WHAT THE FUCK

I'm so unnecessarily upset right now

you-

fuck

I understand how fucking busy you are

why did you leave me on open?

why did you ghost me?

during a serious conversation?

why would you ghost me while we're talking about something so important?

am I really just pretty enough to fuck but not want to be with? bc what the fuck.

I'm not a second choice john

I know I'm not

or maybe I am considering everyone I've ever been with was either using me as a beard or fucking cheated on me maybe that's all I am maybe I'm only the second choice maybe I'm just the one they use to figure out who they really want I'm just the second choice, if that

fuck and I was going to ask you to be exclusive

I WANTED TO BE YOURS

I was going to ask you before the previews started at the barbie movie

I was going to ask if you want to be exclusive I was going to say "hey I need to talk to you about something. so, we've been talking for a little while and uh I really like spending time with you and uhm I think you're pretty cool and I don't want to regret not knowing you, all of you, so... would you happen to want to be exclusive? with? me?" that's what I was going to fucking ask I really thought I was the exception I thought for once I was a first choice that you actually had feelings for me that you liked me FUCK am I wrong? AM I WRONG? GOD I NEVER GET A HAPPY ENDING LOVE STORY MY ASS THIS IS FOOLISH ONE THIS IS HITS DIFFERENT THIS IS YOU'RE LOOSING ME

I try so fucking hard to be positive or at least optimistic bc everything in my fucking life goes wrong nothing is ever easy or at least somewhat straightforward I mean I got diagnosed with a rare brain tumor AND my legs randomly paralyzed themselves a week after my birthday and doctors don't know why I've got multiple rare diseases and conditions with zero treatment at all my fucking uncle offed himself a couple weeks before my birthday my aunt died to her illnesses a COUPLE DAYS before my birthday and and my friend from middle school died and I just keep getting worse physically but I try so hard to keep my spirits up and be hopeful and also not to mention I was FUCKING ABUSED BY MY LAST LONG TERM PARTNER AND PRESSURED INTO SEXUAL THINGS BUT YA KNOW THATS NOTHING COMPARED TO EVERYTHING ELSE and I thought maybe just once I'd find something easy bc it felt so good and so easy and talking to you was easy YOU MADE ME FEEL LIKE DAYLIGHT JOHN YOU MADE ME FEEL GOLDEN I FINALLY FELT BEAUTIFUL AND PRETTY AND SEXY FOR ONCE YOU MADE ME FEEL WONDERFUL AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE BEEN THROUGH FOR ONCE I FELT BEAUTIFUL I'VE LOST SO MUCH SO FUCKING MUCH AND YOU MADE ME FEEL DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE HAS EVER AM I JUST PRETTY ENOUGH TO FUCK BUT NEVER WANT TO BE WITH? PRETTY ENOUGH TO GO ALL THE WAY BUT NEVER JUST KISS? yeah so you can literally rip my pussy where it keeps bleeding for days and then just ghost me that's great thank you I appreciate that so so so much thank you john.

so yeah go fucking ahead, I thought we were going out this weekend but idk anymore. I was finally feeling secure enough to let myself truly develop feelings. fuck you. I'm sorry I didn't mean that. I'm just upset. I'm just upset. I just. I just wanted this to go right. I just wanted you. I'm sitting in my bed crying, I've got Foolish One by Taylor Swift on repeat, I'm so foolish. you should be here, you should be texting me, calling me, responding to SOMETHING. SAY ANYTHING. I DON'T CARE. GIVE ME AN ANSWER OF SOMETHING. IF YOU DONT WANT TO BE WITH ME THEN FINE WHATEVER JUST TELL ME TALK TO ME DONT JUST GHOST ME

I AM NOT THE EXCEPTION AND I WILL NEVER LEARN MY LESSON FOOLISH ONE STOP CHECKING YOUR MAILBOX FOR CONFESSIONS OF LOVE THAT AINT NEVER GONNA COME

I just wanted you.

olive

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anxiouslyextroverted · 2 years

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vent that idk where to put so

honestly this is random of me to say but getting diagnosed with autism at 6 was so bad for me, like not only did it cause years and years of bullying because my mum made this huge deal about me having it to everyone, and embarassed me, and friends and family a like yelled at me for any autistic trait i showed. But it also is the reason my social skills are even more sht cuz young me (who for whatever reason was allowed to have a computer and be online at as young as 7) was like 'let me google how to not be autistic' and then now i cant even relate to other autistic people anymore because me at 7-17 had trained constantly to be aware of every autistic trait I had and now I dont even know what autistic traits I have anymore. I went to multiple autistic youth camps and I related to no one. none of my therapists ever thought I have autism, my recent therapist wants to see proof that I have it like bruh

I know it sucks to have it diagnosed later in life of course it does but I just feel liek I don't know being diagnosed with autism at a young as age can be really horrible too, it was for me at least. trained myself so much to not have any autistic traits that I accidentaly trained a way a huge part of my personality lmao. like I must sound like an asshole rn but I geneuinl find it so difficult to relate to both nt and nd people, cuz like everything most nd people I've seen do now days was stuff I did at 7-16, like all the questons and all the research. and all the stuff they are already knew is stuff I never learnt until now. and im still treated like as if i know nothing about autism ect... even though I was diagnosed with that shit at 6 like not to complain about autism culture? whatever it is i dont even know, but I feel weird when people tell me I don't know anything about autism or that I'm not autistic just because I said "I have autism" rather than "I'm autistic" like, I don't get that. I am just doing what I'm used too.

I kind of feel similar with lgbt too cuz I was like nonbinary when I was 3 tbh like Ig you could call it that because at that age I denied femininity and she/her pronouns and even being called a girl and just wanted to be called my name, and that carried on until 17 where for the first time ever I worked out the difference between girl and boy, but nowdays now everyone is being like "oh wow look a guy in a dress super cool" but I just kinda thought that was already a normal thing? like I never got the separation of male and female ever, when young me saw feminism and gender equality online, I took it litterally and believed it was girl and boy are exactly the same, so now I'm seeing twitter and tumblr talking about all this like "oh let a guy wear make up cmon its 2023" but I thought that was normal already and don't get why its a big deal and never did. like its hard to explain how I feel not saying its a bad thing though but stuff like that always confuses me. But Ig thats what happens when you're exposed it at a young age, you don't really see the culture or become apart of the culture, or understand the separation to begin with.

#just ignroe this i just needed to vent about my #autism #somewhere #probably will show this to my therapist or something

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manifesting-mari · 2 years

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Morning Pages 1/17/2023

I have lots of voices in my head today. During my meditation it was kinda hard for me to lock into the present. I dont even think i can identify any fo those voices, they were just loud and leading me to all the places. But thats cool. I’m happy i’m aware of them. It makes me think of people who have been diagnosed with bipolar or schizophrenia. People who had to get treated for those voices. What If they were just in a certain awareness and needed help creating healthy relationships with those parts rather than totally eradicating the connection. I dont know. Everyone is different. Some people do need to shut them out, some people can swim with their voices. Im still learning and figuring that out

As i’m writing now i’m listening to music and a song came up that made me think of my relationship with greg. I still miss him. I miss laughing with him and i miss him holding me. I was picturing him coming back and saying that he wants to make it work. First thing, that would never in one million years happen. So why is there still part fo me wishing for it? Even if that did happen, i know not just logically, but even in my body that it wouldn’t feel right. When i think of all of that happening my body feels numb. I do feel something in my sacral. This feeling of not being wanted. I like that feeling. Thats my existential kink. Being with emotionally unavailable people. Because those are the relationships i’m used to from my family. Wild. I am an empotionally available person who is scared of having a relationship. It feels like i’m scared to have a relationship with the best part of myself because i’m scared that because oif who i am i’m gonna ruin it. But i know that voice is not real. I know tmy real story. I am a good partner. I am a loving partner. My worth as a partner does not depend on how well i have sex, how much money I have in the bank, or whether or not I can host someone at my home. I am worthy of love and healthy relationships because i am here. I’m allowed to make mistakes and i’m allowed to change and be better.

Power by iyla is on and it making me feel strong. Its making me think if greg again. I feel like i’m taking back my power from him. His narratives hurt me and were not aligned with mine. That relationship would have taken a lot of work on both our ends, i was willing to do that work and he wasn;’t. Isn’;t that funny. I am willing to work. I am so willing to work because i feel like i have to earn. But i dont have to earn. It is fun to earn and feels good. But one thing i dont need to earn is love. I dont have to work hard for that. I enjoy working on relationships and talking to people and building each other up. I enjoy working with joy to gain income to do fun things with people I love. I enjoy creating to see something new in the world. But love is not earned.

I’m finally allowing myself to feel wanted. There are people in this world who enjoying being with me just as I am. There are people in this world who love me just as I am. I choose to cultivate relationships with the parts of myself that are reflected on those people. The parts of me that love me just as i am. Lots of who I am I love exactly as i am. I also have to understand that “love” means compassion and seeing the ways where that person is suffering and being them in that space to the best of our ability. I want to be able to be with myself in the uncomfortable spaces. To not try to do anything to change or get away from it, and just be with it. Be with it for as long as i can and then listen to wat its trying to say to me. I used to just feel the feeling and then try to get away from it. Now i want to feel the feeling and then listen to it. Theres a need that needs ot be addressed. That little part of me is screaming because it needs something. That part of me is uncomfortable, so what do they need to feel comfort?

It really is like reparenting myself. I’ve been trying to just guess what that little part of me wants, and its been satiated for a bit, but with something that was superficial and unsustainable (like attention, food, drugs). Just like how new parents have to get used to the nuances of their tiny baby who cannot talk but had so many needs. There are little parts of me that are screaming and ive been putting a pacifier int heir mouths until they spit it out and i was in an emotional breakdown. Now I’m getting used to the nuances. I am getting better at stopping and taking my time. Does this thing need to be fed, burped, held, changed? What does this uncomfortable part of me truly need? Some of my parts are now actively talking to me. I want to be held. I want to play. I want to do create. I’m very grateful to have this ability, i understand this is something that not lots of people have access to. I also understand that this is what works for me. Everyone has their own process.

I’m feeling really motivated this week. Maybe its because if the new moon this weekend. Perfect timing since i have my period too. Lots of shedding. This weekend felt so good, being with Jordan. This is the kind of relationship I want. Wow, i have the relationship iu’ve always wanted. Someone who can understand my process, respect and believe in my practice, and someone who has their own process that i respect and believe in. I am very grateful for someone who i know will be authentic. It meant so much to me when i was scared and Jordan held me so well. These are the kind of relationships I value. I’m grateful that I have friends in my life who i can turn to and say “i’m feeling this way, can you help me by doing this with me”. Its like listening to myself and giving the small parts of me permission to ask. I have now given myself permission to ask and to receive.

I feel like i’m finally feeling the love and care in my life. I can feel the love from my mom and my brothers. I can feel the love from all my friends. I can feel the love from the earth and the sky. From the sun and the water. That source is love and its everywhere and i’m grateful to feel connection to it. I feel really open and its kinda scary, but it feels really good. I am learning so much about myself as i continue to create this relationship with myself. I’m really loving myself and being patient. Talking kindly and compassionately. Reminding myself that I can capable of whatever i set my mind to. I do see the ways where living my life with infinite possibility is intimidating to some people.

I was thinking about the ways where i used to tell myself that i shoudlnt be small. That I should be big. But i didn’t really have a solid definition of what small and big looked like. And it because this narrative of small is bad, big is good. Now I think small is good. I see the ways where i tried to cut out the small parts of me that needed attention. The parts of me that are still feeling shame a guilt. Th e[parts of me that still feel as if i dont deserve love. Thats still a part fo me and i have so much love for those parts of me. I no longer wanna cut them out. I used to think that big meant denying those small parts and being the totally opposite. Loud, aggressive, overly confident, arrogant. But when I was like that I felt like a bull in a china shop (Taurus pun intended). Now There is no Big vs small, now i choose to be big and small. I choose to integrate those parts together so they can learn from each other. So the big part can take care of the small part. So the big and small parts can inspire each other. The big parts can soften and learn how to give love and compassion to the parts of me that are scared. The smaller parts can see the ways big me walks in her power while still understanding she is a human and capable of making mistakes. The big and small parts have something in common: fear. Theyre kind of afraid of each other. So bringing them together they can see that being scared of being small is not bad, and being scared of being big isnt bad, its just part of being. Its part of being me.

I’ve been thinking of ways to share what I know. I think i do that by truly embodying and practicing the things i;ve been working on. Practicing for the life that I want so when that life shows up. I’m ready. There are so many cool things I wanna do this year and I can’t wait to see them come to fruition.

I’m grateful for the spaces where I can trust that i’ll be held. I’m gratefulf ro the spaces where i can just be in my authenticity. I am grateful for the people who celebrate authnticity. I’m noticing how by the end of these morning pages i just start listening the things i’m grateful for to fill space lol. But i am grateful.

During my prayers I kept envisioning the pole and comedy show and picturing the open mic in monai’s. It looks like i have some emails so send out after this. Thats exciting. I’m excited to work with female owned businesses. I’m excited to accomplish the things I said I would. I’m grateful to have something to work toward in the spring. This year is going to be blessed. This year is already blessed. I am so inspired by myself. I am grateful to have loving relationships with different parts of myself. I’m grateful for the people who love me so well, who taught me how to move and appreciate who I am. I love those people. They are my inspirations.

#good morning #morningpages #the artists way

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