#thats all my verbage for this month

[nunight]

list 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who liked or reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers ✨♡

(i hope you're having a nice day!)

Uh things that have made me happy as of late:

-Bluebells have just come out, well about a week ago and they're great. There's bluebell woods nearbyish, I haven't seen them this year yet but I will. Our sunflowers have just started sprouting, we're growing them in a hight competition with a family friends. Before the sunflowers it was daffodils on the table which are always lovely. I think bulb flowers are my favourites, I always forget how much I love them over the rest of the year but then they're Up and Its Spring!

-Usually when I'm feeling creative I do digital art but at the moment I've just been loving drawing in the last few weeks. I've filled about 1/3 of my sketchbook in the last 3 weeks which is like unheard of for me.

-I bought a new shirt and realised today that only half of the thread colour for the buttons is navy (the background colour) while the other half is pink, which is the main colour in the pattern. It doesn't match up with where the pattern is but it made me happy anyway

[littleglassheart]

Real Journal Entry of 2020

It takes so long to put my brain into words.  Reflection my therapist says.  Thats what this is about.  Writing down your thoughts so you can understand and organize them.  I feel thats how I need to explain it.  My jumbled brain just sort of constantly spirals out of control.  After my last therapy appt I have come to the realization that in order to make this work, in order to really be a mom to anyone, i have got to make the changes BEFORE he’s here.

What this has done is, for the first time... I am learning to sit with my thoughts.  I have found that I am able to sit and stare and not say a word.  That I can for the first time in my entire life, I can sit with my thoughts.  I can center myself and just embrace the moment.  I spend way less time on my phone now.  Any extra time that i have has gone to drawing mandalas.  I got a book to keep notes but instead started doodling and from there, it has just grown.  I am on my third book in less than a month.  All the pages filled with mandalas.  Crazy.  I have always drawn mandalas, even before I knew what they were!  I had no idea my doodles had a name.  I also didnt know i was using a technique of meditation, I had no idea thats what I was doing.  And now that I know, drawing has even more meaning to it.  When I’m sad or upset or stressed, I lay on my bed and start creating mandalas.  I had no idea the comfort it would bring.  

I guess my point is, is that I am finding ways to center myself.  I have always been so scared of existing and doing things I dont like... I always knew it was selfish of me but I also thought it was the ADHD but visiting Missouri this week and being around my nephew and investing my time with him, really was a surprise for me.  I have the hardest time sitting still especcially when it doesnt benefit me. LOL... so like, watching a cartoon I hate with my nephew would usually drive me nuts.  But this time, although I didnt want to do it... I could.   Its hard to explain but being able to sit with my thoughts, control my feelings and enjoy my nephew was a HUGE DEAL.  I’ve never done this before for more than a couple minutes.  But I lasted a hell of a long time on that couch playing video games.  I dread repetition of any kind and thats what I was doing.  Playing the same game over and over again and letting him win each time.  Wow... its important that I remember this for later because society is so fast pace now that we loose sight of whats important.

Taking in a child with special needs is going to change my life and my husbands life.  I am going to have to learn to slow down and be in the moment with him.  I am going to have to learn to overcome the fear of being stuck in slow motion.  I am going to have to be able to learn to SIT and be a sponge and enjoy every moment, no matter how small and mundane it is.  This will be our new life.  We will be here for him and make those changes.

My husband had always been good at repetition.  He knows how to enjoy the little things.  He can throw a ball for an hour or two and enjoy it from the first minute to the last.  Its just how he is.  I envy his dedication and diligence and easygoing nature.  I didn’t think i had it in me to do that but I’m finding out quickly its possible.  Thats really my biggest fear, is having a child that needs me 24/7 and having to do shit i dont want to do like watch a cartoon, go for walks, help him read, etc.  Don’t get me wrong, I guess ‘i dont want to’ isn’t the right verbage.  Its more like, being scared of being in it with him and loosing my patience because its repetitive and I have other things I could be doing.  But here we are, and i can see me changing already.  

SO crazy.