#that itself is a transition to Drowning

[danielpowell]

Dark sky driving (Driving) Driving 'cause my heart's on fire, ooh Dark sky driving (Driving) Comets never have a curfew Dark sky driving, driving away (Away) And I'm never coming home, no way (No way) And I'm tired of the seasons, okay? (Okay?) And I'm tangled in a starry buffet

[heartfullofleeches]

What would happen if fast food reader tried to quit?

"I quit!"

Fourty minutes in - that's a new record. You're in the middle of a transition with a customer when the newest in a line of new hires comes storming from the back, apron and badge on hand.

"In the single hour I've worked here I've been yelled at till my ears bled, pelted with plastic balls, saw my reflection drown itself in the toilets, and had my wallet and keys stolen."

"I'd say you had an okay start...." You pause for a moment, centered on the task at hand. ".....So will that be cash or card?"

Your coworker stares at you like you've grown antlers which probably wouldn't be the weirdest thing they've seen, but still up there in rankings.

"You're staying?!"

"I can't quit."

Pity flashes briefly in their eyes. "Being jobless is better than whatever this is, but I'm sure there's something else out there."

"You don't understand. I literally can't quit."

Your ex-coworker scoffs. "I know the job market is pretty rough these days, but come on..."

Sighing heavily, you carefully remove your apron- folding and setting at atop the counter along with your hat and badge. Glancing apologetically at the customer, you mutter.

"I quit."

Really, it only took the first syllable for what happened next, but it felt weird not to finish the sentence.

The entrace doors swing to a loud shut. Music playing over the speakers descends into static. Caution tape peals and tears from the walls as management's door pries it from position. Darkness oozes from the cracks as a body presses against the frame. A hand reaches out - pointing behind you.

"So!"

Your ex-coworker and the customer scream. You look over your shoulder at your manager's grinning face as they grip your shoulders.

"Please don't touch me."

Your manager laughs. "Oh, you and your silly jokes. So, I hear someone isn't having the best time. Your little friend is free to go, but you are a valued member of our team, Y/n. Anything we can do to make you stay?"

"No."

Your manager hands their head in sadness, immediately perking back up as they remove their touch from your shoulders. "I see..... Well! We'll all miss you dearly, but we respect your decision. Allow us to give you a portion of your severance in hand as thanks for your service."

"Please don't."

"Lambchop!"

The lights flicker as the freezer door slams into the adjacent wall. They continue to flicker with every heavy click of hooves on titled floors. The hulking figure ducks beneath menu signs, narrowly missing its curving horns getting stuck as it rises to full high. The reds of it beady eyes cast you in eerie glow as it stares - pupils shrunk as it turns. It seems to blink away tears as it snorts.

In a flash, the store mascot picks your ex-coworker by the throat and slams them to down on the counter. It reaches for its belt, sorting the sharpest cleaver of its artillery and sporting it against its prey's neck. Your coworker shrieks and flails, ceasing all movement as warm blood runs down their neck. As your eyes meet, you remain perfectly calm - brows raised in a sort of "I told you so look".

They pathetically beat at the goat demon's arm. "What the fuck.... what the fuck?!"

Your manager clicks their tongue. "I do apologize, but it's in their contract. Money is important, but we value something more here. As payment for self-termination from our team, Y/n here is to receive the beating hearts of everyone in the building in loo of breaking our own unless... they've changed their mind."

You shrug. "Long as you're still cool with my taking cash from the registers."

"Wonderful! Lambchop, could you please let the spoiled meat go? I'm afraid they won't be any good trying to posion our dear Y/n like that and I doubt they'll even make it out of the parking lot."

Your coworker scrambles for the door as soon as they're freed. Their blood, which you refuse to clean, paints the front door seconds later. Your manager sighs.

"Now that that's out of the way, please see to comforting Lambchop. You know how they get when you threaten to leave."

You look over at the mascot would bleats softly as they knock their head gently against the side of yours. You pet their horns as you throw your hat back on.

"Come on, Choppy. You can feed me fries in the breakroom."

Lambchop throws you over their shoulder and heads for the back as your manager takes their leave as well - leaving the customer alone in the main lobby.

"They... never gave back my card."

[apas-95]

The cyberisation surgery takes months of desensitisation and sensory-deprivation training to prepare for, if not years for full-body prosthesis. Calibration and acceptance of new perception is as important as withstanding the transition process itself. Like all brain surgeries, cyberisation is performed while the patient is conscious. The period between total severance of the original neural connections and the establishment of the cyberbrain is the most critical. Psychological damage at this time can result in catastrophic integration failure. I thought my training had prepared me for it. When it happened, though, there was something new. Without the noise, without even the most slight sensory input, I could pick up on what had always been in the background, something that was drowned out even in the total silence of the deprivation tank. I felt everything. The entire world. I felt the operating theater around me, felt myself being lifted carefully away from my old body as it was carted to storage. I felt the emergency generator in the basement and the six thousand kilometers of rock beneath that, and the solar wind flowing out in every direction. They call it cyberisation psychosis; or hypothesise it's retroactive memory, the brain trying to write over an empty segment. But I know what it felt like. It felt like dying.

[gotstabbedbyapen]

I have very complicated feelings for the Vengeance Saga (after the first listen)

Disclaimer: I will only criticize Epic the Vengeance Saga as a work on its own, not for its inaccuracy or deviation from mythology and The Odyssey. There are more knowledgable people who can point out and analyze the changes in Epic the Musical, but that is not what I'll be tackling here.

To put it bluntly, I'm not being angsty about it as I should. The whole saga just... didn't feel right with me.

Now, first off all, I'm a big fan of Epic and had been following it since the Cyclops saga (first version). I've been in love with many songs and hyperfixed it for months on end. But when the Vengeance saga came along, I didn't feel that same bubbling love rise in me.

Even as a fan, this isn't my first time having peeves with Epic. I didn't jam with the re-release sagas for a while, I'm underwhelmed with the Circe VS Odysseus fight and other issues, very unpopular opinion but "Monster" wasn't too impactful to me, and also the God Games (especially Zeus' attack).

The Vengeance Saga though? Well, they say we gotta do the Bun-Meat-Bun (or whatever the hell its name really is) technique when giving criticism, so I'll start with the good parts.

I love that Odysseus looked so done with Calypso in "Not Sorry For Loving You". They're basically this meme:

Like sorry you're a sad but you're still an abuser 😒

Then Odysseus starts singing the reprise for "Full Speed Ahead" but there's no one to back him up. That one hits me hard. To whoever on Tumblr said that after the Thunder Saga we will never hear the crew's back-up again and Odysseus' singing will be answered with silence, Apollo really blessed you with the red ball.

Hermes and the Winions' part was really cool too! I really like them being mischievous helper! The warning about the wind bag and the changing scene of Odysseus fighting off sea monsters while Hermes just vibing with the beats is 👌👌👌

But after that the hype started to sizzle out for me. You might want to skip this part if you're not comfortable with harsh criticism because I WON'T hold back.

It's really backward but I like the Odysseus VS Charybdis draft more than the final production. Charybdis' roars and music are somehow less intimidating, which is a shame because I thought this would be one of the biggest struggles Odysseus will face. Even with awesome illustrative animatics, the scene wasn't as thrilling as I've expected.

The other songs got massive improvement from its draft version (on top of my mind I can think of "Thunder Bringer", "There Are Other Ways", "Little Wolf"), but I don't get why "Charybdis" didn't get up-graded as much like them. It's like a cake that was throughly baked but half decorated and it just didn't taste as good as I've hoped.

Then we have the Odysseus VS Poseidon part in "Get In The Water" and "Six Hundred Strikes". The first thought I had for GITW is this song sounds like all the draft snippets were mashed together without a smooth transition/connection between them. Jorge and Steven's performance is great, but there's not enough tension for me to dread for Odysseus. When Poseidon first met Odysseus in "Ruthlessness", the whole opening was terrifyingly good! And we didn't even have any illustration animatic back then! (that's not to say the GITW animatics were bad, they just can't salvage much when the song itself was already weak)

I wasn't impressed with Poseidon's Shatter The Ocean move either. It's supposed to be the Strongest AttackTM but it's less scary than when he and the Laestrygonians destroyed Odysseus' eleven ships with probably 1% of their power. It didn't even help when Poseidon looked like he's having a seizure with lights pouring out of his eyes and mouth during the transformation.

Odysseus being literally on the brink of death with the souls of his loved ones pulling him into the abyss is a gem in the rough, but because we've seen Odysseus almost drowning before in the end of the Thunder Saga, it's not as shocking as it should be. Furthermore, Poseidon could have instant-killed Odysseus right then and there but didn't really annoyed me. But I guess he just wanted Odysseus to slowly suffer while dying.

Right when I thought the progress will get better, it... gets down. I can go with Odysseus using wind to escape the water, but him wearing it like a jetpack is so comical it ruined the drastic of the situation. And I'm officially let down when Odysseus FUCKING ATTACKED Poseidon in "Six Hundred Strike".

What? Just... why with that choice?

Look, I'm not gonna fault Epic for making creative liberties from the source material (as said in the disclaimer), but I will criticize if that change contradict itself in the transformative work. And this is one of them.

Poseidon and the gods have been proven time and time again in the musical just how powerful they are. Their ominous and grandiose entrances, them striking fear and inferiority in our hearts just by singing. Even Circe, a low-level goddess, poses a constant threat to the crew and Odysseus had to get help from Hermes just to get a chance to corner her (and Hermes even joked that he can still die!)

Poseidon easily destroyed almost all of Odysseus' fleet. Odysseus was very avoidant of him, opting to go to the literal Underworld to find instruction on how to dodge him and sailing through Scylla's lair + willing to sacrifice six men for safe passage. And when Poseidon said he can drown all of Ithaca, it's not just bluffing, he would and could have done that. Yeah, the King of the Sea is THAT BIG of a treat.

So no, Odysseus isn't cool to attack Poseidon, he's being stupid. I'm not even cheering for him the whole him he fight, just groaning at how ridiculous the whole thing is. If Epic is more believable and sticks to WHAT IT HAD ESTABLISHED BEFORE, having a sudden burst of anger and choosing ruthlessness won't save Odysseus from one swipe of Poseidon's trident. Odysseus stood no chance against a one of the most powerful deity, even if he's the protagonist and love his family.

Not only that, Poseidon didn't even defend himself and was wounded by a mere human! And he just sat there and took all the blows and insults from Odysseus??? And he actually begged Odysseus to stop and agree to quell the storm to let him get home??? I'm not buy that bullshit. I'm more upset that a literal Olympian god was nerfed down than Odysseus having a Gary Stu moment. Give me a break, that try-hard moment to be cool and edgy just show how badly written the scene is.

What's the fucking point of hyping up how dangerous the gods are if a human can take one down? Tell me this isn't some Wattpad-y Greek myth retelling fanfic where the teenage Y/N sass her way to defeat an entire pantheon. Epic really traded its opportunity to be better for some cheap and out-of-the-blue dramas in this saga, dare I say it's even worse than Zeus' OOC attack on Athena. I'm very disappointed with that decision.

On an end note, the saga did have one saving point with the "After everything you've done, how will you sleep at night?" - "Next to my wife" lines. Odysseus knew he could be the most horrendous man ever and Penelope would still choose his side, that just show how powerful their love and faith in each other are.

But not enough to excuse all the terrible cinematic choices.

[divine-misfortune]

Dew developing an insensitivity to pain after his transition, like the fire burned away at his pain receptors. He can still feel sensations, but the pain never registers. He fears one day that he’ll stop feeling anything at all.

Begs Aether to make him feel pain, to use his magic and force the agony into his body so he stops feeling so broken. So he can hope that one day it all will come flooding back to him but they all know it never will. Aether never wants to do it. It hurts him to do something like that to his mate, but denying him feels far more cruel.

He just wants to remember what it was like to hurt, before he loses the memory entirely - his previous life, his old element, all of it.

Aether can never bring himself to do it. His resolve crumbles upon seeing the fear in Dew’s eyes, unsure if he’s afraid of him or what’s coming and it turns his stomach so violently his element twists and curls in on itself in protest. Refusing to give Dew what he wants, leading him to fail Dew’s desperate pleas.

But in the end, Aether does give Dew what he wants. Years and years down the line, long after Dew had stopped asking, he does the one thing he thought he’d never be able to bring himself to do.

Dew felt it like a freight train. He felt every rib being bent and snapped as the hungry beast of grief tore into his body. It felt like suffocating; drowning. The ache in his chest caused him to double over, clutching and clawing at his sternum with a scream that ripped his vocal cords raw. He felt every second of Aether’s death like he was the one being unmade and bled out. The mental bond between them was no longer a string of fate carefully looping between them, it was barbed wire cutting through his skull. Assaulted by nerve endings he’d thought to be dead, Dew felt like he was being dragged through hellfire again.

Then there’s nothing. Abrupt. Finality in the way it ebbs away. Dew can only try to grasp at it like smoke, digging his nails into his arms as the tears streaked down his face. The absence of torment should have been relief but Dew knew what it meant, and the hollowness left to fester within him is far more grievous than any wound could hope to be.

And Dew has to accept it. He’ll never feel anything again without him.

[a-twistedheartslonging]

So Yandere Octotrio, cannibalism, and transitioning. Self-indulgent.

Yuu has gained the affection of one of these fishy boys.

Let's go with this version of them being where the whole "mermaids drowning and eating humans" was a thing in the old days but thanks to lack of proof over many years, has simply been accepted as a myth.

They got smarter about going about it to avoid trouble. It's hard to prove anything when there are no parts of the body left and can be written off as a shark attack or whatever other sea creatures that eat humans when they swim about...that totally aren't mers.

Anyway, our fish boy loves Yuu...and admittedly wants to eat them. Of course, there are two problems with that. One is that he isn't that kind of Yandere and doesn't want to do anything to hurt you, and problem two, if he were to eat you there would be nothing left of you to love and enjoy.

So, an opportunity presents itself when he discovers how badly Yuu wants/needs top surgery and possibly a hysterectomy as part of their transition.

Well, luckily for them he's very well off and can cover all the expenses, is plenty willing to take care of Yuu as they heal, and even has a special surgeon in mind. (Loves money, asks no questions)

He simply asks for two things. One, Yuu must give him a chance and go on at least one date with him. Two...he gets to eat the parts being removed.

[celticcrossanon]

BRF Reading - 17th of July, 2024

This is speculation only

Cards drawn on the 17th of July, 2024

Question: What is going to happen to the King between now and October?

This is a follow up reading to the one I did yesterday, which indicated that The King would have to withdraw from his cut-down tour of Australia.

Interpretation: This is not good. Something is going to happen that weakens The King or his position.

Card One: Death

This is not the card I wanted to see at the start of this reading.

Death is the card for Scorpio, and The King is a sun sign Scorpio, so this card tells me that this reading is about The King. Whatever happens is going to happen to him, so it won't be a case of e.g. something happening to someone else and the King having to cancel events to support that person. This is something that will directly impact The King himself.

Death, of course, can be literal death, and I am not pursuing that line of thought.

The Death card is usually about change, the change from one state to another from which there is no return. In a similar vein, it can mean letting go, a release of something, endings, transformation, or the transition period itself.

Whatever happens to The King, it is going to be a time of change and transformation. A phase of The King's life as he knows it will end, and a new phase will begin. His responsibilities may change, or the composition of his family may change, or his health may force changes upon him - it is something like that. He is going to have to move to a new phase of life, a new way of being, and he will not be able to return to his old self and his old way of life.

I am getting a vague feeling of something ominous as I type this up, so I am going to ask for a clarifier and see if that helps.

The clarifier I drew was Strength in reverse. This card has the Lion of England on it, which is making me uneasy. The energy from this card is that for some reason, The King's strength is going to fail and he will be left in a weakened state. I usually get Harry and Meghan energy from this card but today I am not, even though I am sure they will insert themselves in some way. This is about the Lion of England being in reverse, being weakened, falling into its shadow side, with the Lion representing The King. It could be a government crisis, and I am clutching that thought like a drowning man clutches a piece of wood to keep him afloat, but it is more likely to be The King himself, I think. Something is going to happen that weakens The King.

Card Two: The Three of Cups in Reverse

The first thing I see here is Cups, which is the suit of emotions, and the wedding shown on the card. Someone's marriage could fail and this could bring a lot of stress to The King. It could be the Harkle marriage, or the marriage of another family member, or it could be his own marriage and he could be left a widower. I'm just putting that out there first, so I can move on.

Looking at the meaning of the card itself, the Three of Cups in reverse, I am getting two meanings that stand out to me. One is of scandal and gossip, so there could be some big scandal that breaks and forces The King to stay at home to deal with it, especially if it involves the government or the constitution. This scandal could leave The King in a weakened position as per the Strength card above. It could also mean that he has to spend a lot of time working, which resonates with the 'too busy to see friends' meaning of this card.

The other meaning of this card is that of isolation, loneliness, and solitude - the opposite of the celebration shown on the card. As I said above, this could be because of a scandal that forces The King to work long hours, or (and this is the meaning I don't want to come true) it could be due to him losing his life partner.

The energy of this card is of stress and sadness, but I'm not getting any more specifics. When I hold the card I feel very sad, near to tears, and I also have a heavy feeling in my stomach - not despair, but as if I had heard very bad news.

The worst case scenario would be both situations occurring - a big scandal that involves/threatens the government/constitution and The King losing his life partner. I do not want that to happen. I am hoping that this is a big scandal, as that can be weathered over time.

I drew a clarifier for this card and it was The High Priestess in Reverse, which is secrets coming to light. That makes me feel better as this now looks like a scandal and not anyone dying. The High Priestess in reverse can indicate confusion, not listening to your instincts, and acting in a way that you know is not right. That tells me that this scandal could involve a cover up of some sort, and now the truth of the matter will come forward in some way. Combined with the reversal of the wedding shown on the card, this could be a scandal arising from a marriage breakup or as the reason for a marriage break up.

Card Three: The Knight of Cups in Reverse

This card is the suit of Cups again, so whatever happens is going to affect The King (and other people) on an emotional level. The knight of Cups can be an apology card, so in the reverse it say s there will be no apology from the person/people involved in the scandal above, even though they should apologise.

The Knight of Cups is the card for Pisces, and the High Priestess above (the clarifier) is also a card of Pisces for me, so we have two Pisces cards in reverse, i.e. acting out of their shadow and behaving badly. There are two prominent Pisces people in the BRF, Prince Edward and Prince Andrew. If the scandal in the cards above is about one of them behaving badly and having their past misdeeds brough to life, my money is on Prince Andrew.

Knights are action cards, the suit of Cups is about emotions, and in the reverse you are seeing the shadow side of this energy, so we can expect things such as tantrums, moodiness, people trying to avoid responsibility and/or slither out of conflict, victim narratives, wanting someone to save them or to be the saviour, emotional manipulation, and so on. There are going to be a lot of feelings flying around all over the place, along with avoiding the issue and blaming other people for one's actions.

Action on this situation may be difficult, as the Knight, the action card, is in reverse.

The energy from this card is sadness and frustration, with frustration being the dominant energy. Once again, it is not more specific than that. I'm not getting one specific person from it either. The energy is more to do with a situation than a specific person.

I drew a clarifier for this and it was The Queen of Cups in reverse. The energy from that card was 100% someone/s being very upset emotionally - huge amounts of emotional turbulence. This may have something to do with children or the home, as the Queen of Cups is the card of the mother, or it could have something to do with Princess Diana or Queen Camilla, both sun sign Cancers. I can't tell for sure as the energy from this card is very, very upset over something and the upset bit is flooding over everything else and drowning it out.

Underlying Energy: The World in reverse

The World is a successful conclusion to a project, or a successful change from one way of being to another. In the reverse, the change is not successful - it fails. The change or project is incomplete, it does not succeed, and you are left with the bitterness of trying and failing to accomplish something. This can be accompanied by a sense of hollowness or a lack of closure.

The energy of this card is of failure. Whatever change or transformation is supposed to be happening with the Death card, it fails. The next card in the deck echoes this message - it is the Six of Wands, the card of defeat and failure. Whatever was planned, it goes wrong and does not come to completion. This can be due to inside or outside forces. The overwhelming energy from this card is of failure. Whatever was supposed to happen, it did not succeed.

Conclusion:

There is some sort of change or transformation that will happen to The King. This will affect him on an emotional level and he will be weakened by it. It looks like this weakening of the King will be due to a scandal that breaks, although there are indications that there could be a separate issue around Queen Camilla. The scandal could be about or triggered by the breakdown of a marriage, or there could be a marriage break up at the same time as the scandal surfaces.

This scandal will be about secrets coming to light. It will involve a coverup, apologies will be expected but not given, and the whole thing will be a vortex of emotional manipulation, people playing at being victims. deceptions, tantrums, moods/sulks, passive-aggressive behaviour, and people sliding away from taking responsibility for their actions. It is going to be an emotional maelstrom. Prince Andrew and/or Prince Edward could be involved, and Princess Diana or mothers and children may be involved as well.

It is likely to be very hard to take action on the individuals involved in this scandal.

The underlying energy of this reading is of failure. Something will fail. Whether that is the desire to keep the secrets behind the scandal buried, or whether the scandal derails some other transformation, or both, I'm not sure. What I can say with certainty is that something is going to fail in a big way. There will be a significant loss or defeat that underlies the above events (transformation and scandal).

There was so much emotion swirling around these cards that it became very difficult to read them. Clarifications from other readers/people are welcome.

[moonpie016]

The motivation for writing magically came back. But of course, with anything I write, it could be hilariously silly and chill, or....sad.

Guess which one it is. (And I made cover art for it.)

---

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(Ramblings about it ⬇️)

(Noting that when I wrote this, I wanted to write Whole more, and I already tried that before with an unfinished story...I still haven't finished. But even with it being.. kinda depressing at first, I'm surprisingly fine.)

Though I had to get into the mindset to write this, but hopefully I'll make something that's not sad all the time. Doesn't always have to be. It's like when you're in a bad mood and you need something to calm yourself down, then when it's chill, you enjoy a good time. Sure, the bad mood will come again, but not all the time. I think this reflects that. The album itself is a loop, so I guess every one of these little stories I make are a loop as well. They're not connected, yet they are at the same time.

Just Whole trying to grapple with whatever troubles he has inside, learning to be ok with the pain. He hates it. Keeps coming back to the same point every time. Except it doesn't always have to be him drowning. He has to learn to break free from his bubble. Talk. Accept change. Even if the outcome is unpredictable.

Ok! I never ramble about Whole, do I? Idk. I probably have but don't remember.

*Cool ending transition music*

---

[moldycantaloupe]

Neptune's Infernal: Chapter 1

WC; 3.1k

Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blood and Injury, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Trauma, Elemental Transitions, Elemental Magic, Grief/Mourning, Other Additional Tags to Be Added

It had been a mistake. But he knew that with Sister, it wasn’t an offer. Not a question. It was a demand disguised as choice. That thin smile lulled him into thinking he had a choice. Or, Dewdrop's elemental transition but reverse.

notes: yeah baby its another element transition fic but like a what if scenerio. i've had this in the works since early this year and finally got around to actually working on it. yippee!

thank you to @adycat2 for beta reading!

Read chapter 1 here or on Ao3 !

It had been a mistake. Dew knew it from the moment he said yes, the moment he gave Sister full control of his body, his element. As he walked down the basement, step after thundering step, arms clad behind his back, he was acutely aware of the mistake he had made. But he knew that with Sister, it wasn’t an offer. Not a question. It was a demand disguised as choice. That thin smile lulled him into thinking he had a choice.

Inside the ritual circle, ghouls alike surrounded his body with Sister watching from a distance, the Cardinal at the head. Seated in that circle, thurible swishing past him like a ticking clock as he began his cantations, he prayed for his mistake to be forgiven, for this wretched ceremony to fail in his favor. He shut his eyes tight, hoping the red light emanating from the drawn lines was false, but that would be false hope.

He had given his word to the church that he would do the transition. As his skin began to glow a fiery red, his clothing stripped from him in ashy stripes, he had vividly remembered the words he gave to the church. Then his skin began to burn, really burn, the inferno deep in his body made itself truly known to him for the first time. He had screamed something fierce, tore his throat apart in an attempt to get away from the hell he had put onto himself. The Cardinal paused his droning as Dewdrop laid barren in the circle, gasping for air and shaking. Sister motioned to a few ghouls, face void of any emotion as they did her bidding. If he had half a mind, he would’ve been able to see the remorse and guilt the ghouls had for him before two drew more glyphs onto and around the circle, the other ladling water from a bucket and pouring it onto his heated skin.

It still burned underneath the cool water, no chance of relief from the fire attempting to escape his vessel from every one of his pores. His skin, no longer blackened by charred fire but revealed as pale as the moon’s light, was steaming from the water that poured onto his trembling back. He hissed and whimpered, eyes shut tight. The Cardinal cleared his throat once the circle was drawn with something new, and his hell began once more.

The light from the lines were no longer red, but blue. As vivid as an ocean’s wave, it blinded him to try and keep score of his surroundings. The ground shook under him, and from where, he did not know, was suddenly he was drowning in nothing but water. 

He wheezed and gagged as his lungs filled themselves, unable to breathe but so desperate to do so. He reached for someone, anyone to try and save him, but no one reached back. The threat of death was near and real. His skin continued to blaze while he continued to drown, and he so violently struck himself down for such a mistake.

But it was all too late. Hours, maybe even days after the ritual, he was sitting on the stone cold tile of his bathroom, leaned up against his bathtub. He was hyperventilating, his lungs making false attempts to collect air but instead drowning themselves in water he didn’t realize he was producing. He had someone by his side, for a time he couldn’t say who, rubbing at his shoulder, but Satanas their hand against his skin was so hot, he didn’t even know he was capable of feeling heat that burned so visceral. He wanted to yell at them to go, to never touch him again, because he doesn’t know if he will ever be able to touch someone again without burning and it scared him. He shivers under their touch, and all he could do was breathe.

But breathe was a strong word for Dewdrop. His gills, new and violently pulsing with how red they were, were forcing themselves to connect to his lungs. He doesn’t understand the science behind them getting air into his system, but he knew they were doing a shit job. He wanted to laugh at whoever was with him because they kept repeating a mantra of breathe, I know you can, try and breathe. He’s trying, Satanas was he trying. He might’ve preferred it if he just gave in and fell unconscious in their touch, just to let his body work itself out, get rid of the faults and start anew. He just wanted to wake up knowing how to function again. How to breathe. How ridiculous of a situation he found himself in.

It may actually be hours now, he’s still not sure, but he’s finally gotten his breathing under some sort of control. It’s all manual, in and out, only through the nose, to hell with these fucking gills, I’ll try them out later. His eyes are clear, and he can now see who’s with him. Aether; of course it’s Aether. He was there helping with the ritual alongside Omega. None of them had a choice, yet he can’t help feeling a little helpless in Aether’s care.

“Get,” Dewdrop manages to rasp out in between breaths, voice scratchy, “get your hand off me. Please.”

Aether is quick to follow, and if Dew really cared to analyze the moment, he’d see the pain in his eyes. 

“What do you need, Dew?” Aether whispers, and Dew does wheeze out a laugh this time, helpless in all his agony. He needs to be fire again, he needs to not be so cold and helpless to his own body. He needs to go back and make sure this day never happened in the first place. He thinks he’d rather go back to the Pit than having to deal with this shit any longer. 

“I-” Dew takes a moment to breathe again, sucking in air like a glutton, “I don’t know. I need this to be over. I need to be fire.” Dew stares up at Aether with pleading eyes. “I can’t do this. Aeth please, I need-”

“Okay, hey it’s okay.” Aether cuts him off before he can be forced back into another panic attack. His arm hovers in the air, unsure where to put it. Thankful for him, his phone pings and he snatches it off the bath’s ledge with a sigh as he reads. “Mist says she has some lotion for your gills, would you like me to go grab it?”

Dewdrop shakes his head, eyes wild and hands reaching to his fresh gills, forced to remember they exist, forced to breathe through them. Aether is on him in an instant, his touch intended to be soft but comes off as hard and hot as he holds the newly water ghoul’s shoulders, eyes focused and mouth moving in exaggerated breaths. Dew immediately obeys and does his best to follow along, his breaths shakier than the latters. Aether keeps them like that until his breathing is back to a somewhat normal, before Dew is begging him to rid of his touch once more. Aether obliges and hesitates, breath caught in his own throat, before he goes back to his phone and begins to furiously type.

“You need that lotion.” Dew shakes his head again, panicked, whimpered strings of no, no, Aeth, please stay, no. Aether sags slightly and tilts his head. “I’m not leaving, firebug. I’m having Mountain grab it for us, okay?” 

Dewdrop doesn’t respond. He feels the fiery rage deep within his core begin to build just barely, mouth twitching in a frown.

“Aeth,” Dew gulps down his rage, his panic. “Don’t call me that.”

Aether blinks and looks up, confused. “What?”

“Firebug.” He practically spits. “Don’t call me that. I’m- I’m water.” His voice breaks at the end, any chance of pretending it was all a farce gone with the wind as the words leave his tattered throat, and fresh tears brew in his eyes. “Please, please, I’m water now, you need to treat me like I’m water.” 

Aether nods along, and Dew can’t help to notice just how much sadder those big eyes got, how shaky his shoulders get on his next inhale.

“Of course, Dewdrop.” 

-

The stranger staring back at him is someone Dewdrop doesn’t recognize, but he has to learn to live with him. His first look at himself after the transition made him want to crawl back to the Pit itself if it meant he could return to his former glory. For days, he spent in Aether’s arms, gut wrenching sobs turned into nothing but hoarse squeaks as he mourned what he lost. His once olive skin now a sickly blue with eyes to match. He wailed when his golden locks slowly fell out in chunks, only to be replaced by silver trims; waist long hair now just below the shoulders.

He woke one night writhing in pain; his hands, feet, and tail burning as if they were rubbed raw. He babbled in his confused hysterics, pleading for someone to take him out of his misery. Aether slammed into his room with Mountain, the two of them on him in an instant. His hands shook against theirs as they examined, and they exchanged a frown to one another.

“Dewdrop…” Aether looked at him, eyes filled with guilt. “Your webbing is coming in.”

Such a simple explanation for such horrible pain.

He begged for Aether to let him sleep, begged to let his appendages be welded together while he wasn’t there. It was only the third day that Aether gave into the requests, Dew having cried himself quiet, blue eyes void of color. The quint's eyes were tired with grief as he let the water ghoul finally rest.

He woke with new webbing that made his fingers and toes feel stuck together, and soft scales along his shoulders when fully unglamoured. Over the last bit of his body rearranging itself, his tail and pointed ears took on new shapes, reminiscent of the water nymph’s from the books Mountain reads. He was thankful to have been asleep when he found them, unaware of them. His stubby little horns chipped away to reveal cerulean stained glass, just as stubby but more inclined to shine across the abbey in the setting sun.

Over a month later, and his body seems to finally take its new form without a fight. He watched his reflection in the foggy mirror, a hand shaped swipe giving him just enough room to watch this new figure breathe. His body now required a new showering routine, lest he get dry and itch all over, possibly damaging a precious scale or crack a porcelain horn. He mindlessly rubs the lotion over his arms and shoulders as he continues to watch this stranger in the mirror. 

A knock on his door forces his mind to snap back. He wipes his hands on a towel and quickly throws a shirt on to hide his indecency. Another knock and he groans, dramatic and loud.

“What?” Dew pulls the door open and deflates a bit when he is met with the sight of Aether. He’s in his ritual garb aside from the mask, feigned confidence to hide his obvious nerves. Since the transition, Aether had been treating him like he was a fragile piece of antique glass, like a single touch in the wrong spot would make Dewdrop shatter. Dew hates how pathetic it makes him feel, how much of a helicopter Aether is now.

“I didn’t mean to disturb.” Aether puts a hand up in mock defense, a stupid smile to hide behind. “But the Cardinal wants to make sure everyone is ready.” He pauses. “You included.”

Dewdrop rolls his eyes and walks back into the room, Aether following close behind. Dew makes a show of walking towards the bathroom door, his ritual robes hung dutifully up on the back of it. He takes the hanger off the door and begins to dress himself and eyes at the quint, how he picks at his fingers, his eyes casted anywhere but the water ghoul.

Dew scoffs as he ties the back of his robes. Aether looks up with a questioning chirp.

“Nothing,” Dew mumbles in a sorry defense. “Can you help me with this stupid tie?”

It’s not long before the two are set to go and on their way out of their den and towards the summoning room. The Cardinal, soon to be anointed Papa, had come by a week prior to inform the ghouls of the summonings they would be holding. Mountain scruffed Dewdrop when he bared his fangs at him, the poor human buzzing with nerves through the rest of his speech. The rest of the week was tense around the den, Dewdrop mourning his position for one last time, the other two mourning Dewdrop. Now that the mourning period has passed, they make haste towards meeting their new packmate.

The summoning room is just as stuffy as Dew remembered it to be, making it hard to breathe through the mask. He watches with a piercing gaze as the Cardinal and Mountain set up for a fire ritual. He catches eyes with Mountain as the earth ghoul crushes and spreads leaves across the floor and is quick to avert his gaze, an embarrassment felt in that small interaction. Aether fidgets with his ring, stepping side to side, anything to distract himself. Dew watches him instead, how out of it the quint seems. He feels a guilt that bleeds into disdain, a rage towards himself for being a reason Aether is never present anymore. A rage for the ministry, for suggesting any of this. A rage towards the Cardinal, for the summoning he is about to commit. If his core wasn’t turned upside down, he’d feel smoke burning through his nostrils. 

But instead he heaves a heavy sigh and Aether blinks down at him, the distant look fading away as he comes back. The Cardinal ushers Mountain away and, with a lot of nervous finger waves and quiet mumbling to himself, the ritual begins.

Incantations, familiar in Dewdrop’s ears as they ring along the stone walls. He holds his hands tight behind his back, claws digging into his palms. He closes his eyes and breathes in that deep sulfur scent, and for a moment, he’s back to his own summon; ashen and dirty, deep from the Pits he heard the song of summoning. A blinding light guiding him towards the top, engulfed in flames he once called home. Hands that were so welcoming, so warm in a way he never truly felt. Safe. He crawled his way through to meet his own Papa, and now a new fire ghoul will take his place with their own, different Papa. He purses his lips in a smile, how it was a little poetic, a little cheesy. 

His brows furrow and his nose twitches as the sulfur smell subtly changes into something saltier. When he opens his eyes, he notices the other two ghouls carrying the same confusion as him. The circle should have been burning by now, but it still laid bare with its crushed leaves and white chalk. 

The Cardinal doesn’t falter in his booming narrative, but his eyes betray that confidence. He eyes the ghouls before him, confused himself. Something was wrong.

Before Dewdrop could speak up, possibly pause the ritual to figure out what was missing, the clap of thunder shakes the stone walls. The Cardinal jolts, pausing only for a millisecond before he continues on. The three watch intensely as the ground begins to glow, and Dew feels his heart sink to his stomach.

Blue, as vivid as the ocean’s wave. 

Aether swears under his breath and Mountain reaches out to warn Copia, but it is far too late into the ritual to stop. Dew feels a nervous sweat drip down his back as the circle grows blinding, as the muggy air becomes terribly humid. 

A hand reaches out from the circle, and despite the new circumstances, Mountain reaches back . He helps pull the creature out from the musk of the Pit, the scent of sulfur strong as the portal is held wide open for them to be dragged fully out. The air becomes thick with heat and water as the last of them is pulled towards the solid ground. Once Mountain heaves a sigh and gives the go ahead, The Cardinal begins shutting the portal. 

Dew’s breath catches in his throat as a growl tries to fight its way out. Dull blue skin that was covered in a thick coat of dirt, dark lumps of matted hair on top. Their finned tail swings anxiously behind them, body shaking as Mountain tries to ease their mind. They’re facing away from Dewdrop and Aether, but it was so incredibly clear. A water ghoul was summoned in a fire ghoul’s stead. 

The Cardinal, once the portal shut and the ritual over, begins to slowly light the remaining candles. The three of them watch in the dark room as Mountain guides the poor ghoul through breathing, his hands squeezing theirs and small encouragements on his tongue. He chucked his mask off sometime in between to reveal soft and caring eyes. He was so soft.

Dew flinches as a drop of water hits his head. Looking up, he sees the ceiling heavy with condensation as more droplets fall through the room.

In time, Mountain looks back up at the Cardinal and nods, eyes crinkled in a soft smile. The human breathes a sigh and steps towards the water ghoul.

“My ghoul,” his voice rattles, and the ghoul jolts in Mountain’s arms with a terrified chirp. Mountain hushes them with soothing words before the Cardinal continues. “My ghoul, do you have a name?”

The ghoul shakes their head. The Cardinal nods solemnly. 

“I shall give you one then, yes?” He chuckles awkwardly. More droplets begin to fall as they grow too fat to contain themselves. 

The ghoul dares a look away from Mountain’s chest and towards the Cardinal. Dew can make out a defined nose behind the hair, their ear flicking in time with the drops of water crashing to the floor.

The Cardinal looks up and laughs again, a hand outstretched to try and catch a stray. “You’ve made quite a storm in our room.” He smiles slightly to himself and nods towards the ghoul, a glint in his eyes. “How about the name Rain, my ghoul?”

The ghoul swallows thickly, gills constricting. He turns again and his eyes widen when they meet the other two. Aether waves, and Dewdrop stares behind the mask. The ghoul nods slowly and meets the eyes of their new Papa once more.

“Yes.” Their voice is dry and they swallow again. “My name is Rain.”

[moibakadesu]

Haruka’s victim of his “murder” was he himself (The suicide theory)

This is a theory that I had since t1 there have been even more points for me to work with (I just never had time/peace of mind to do so), so let’s get into it, shall we?

First of all, as should be obvious from the title, there is a cw for suicide and also one for child abuse and neglect, as well as dead animals because we can’t talk about Haruka without going into these topics.

So what we are going to talk about today is:

Haruka’s victim of his “murder” was he himself

You might wonder now: But how is he walking around in Milgram then? We are looking at a magical song prison that bends the fabric of reality, I don’t think being a sort of purgatory is that much out of the question. I am not one to think that ALL of our current prisoners are dead, but for some it seems like an option. Note Yuno asking so pointedly in her t2 VD “Am I really still alive?” which seemed like a big hint. And also (MILGRAM NOVEL 2 SPOILER) in the second novel there is a part where literally falls the statement of “of course there are people who are already dead, it would be more strange if we wouldn’t have these”. As well as there being a suicide case.

And even if we would not go into that direction, we would still have the option of a failed suicide attempt which resulted in a temporary stopped heart = on paper you can be declared dead. With Milgram’s very loose definition of “being responsible for the loss of a human life” this seems very much like it could qualify as well.

So what gave me the idea that this could be the case for Haruka? The first thing that made my interest perk up was this screen here from Undercover:

In these shots with the silhouettes from the prisoners we presumably have a location where their murder happened or is heavily connected to it. And in some cases we even have the victims present in the shots.

What differentiates the prisoners from their victims is that all prisoner silhouettes have this gray hatching on them while their victims are a solid black color (it’s a bit unclear with Kazui, because he and Hinako are pretty small in his scene).

So with that in mind what falls to attention in Haruka’s shot? Yes, he is a solid black.

And that sprung the idea of: what if Haruka is the victim?

Well, he is, in more sense than one, but we are only concentrating on his “murder” for now.

Let’s now go through his first MV Weakness with this in mind, because it is already ripe with a lot of possible suicidal imagery. We won’t go over his first VD, because … well, there are simply no real hints in that one yet.

Weakness analysis

Right away at 0:08 we start with a scene transition of Haruka sinking into water. As you are probably all aware water is a big recurring theme with him, it draws itself through his MVs as well as being present in image material and merchandise related to him. Prior to ending up in Milgram he was also living in the city Niigata, which is literally called “the city of water”. So we can assume that it is of pretty big significance to his character.

The overall imagery of drowning and suffocating also appears repeatedly with him, so my assumptions of how he might have taken his life are either by, well, drowning or by hanging himself (due to imagery we will later get to in AKAA).

At 0:41 we have Haruka pushing his younger self into a “scribble-puddle”, leading us to another transition of Haruka once again sinking into the watery depths.

I think this is both a representation of Haruka’s loathing and jealousy of his younger self which still was somewhat loved by his mother until his disabilities became too noticeable to be ignored as well as an actual stand-in for killing yourself.

At this point let’s talk a little bit about the little girl that is assumed to be Haruka’s victim, shall we?

Well, in a broad sense we can say: yes, she is his victim. But the twist is this, recently I saw a theory that made a big amount of sense to me, especially taken in account with the suicide theory. Basically, I think the little girl never existed in reality. She was just a figment of Haruka's imagination, a sort of “Imaginary friend”, his idealized version of what “Haruka” should have been. We know from his t2 interrogation questions that his mother always wanted a girl instead of a boy, going so far as to picking the name beforehand and not changing it even after she knew she was expecting a boy.

I could even imagine that his mother might have tried to raise him as a girl up to a certain age, her terrible overall parenting surely gives me the impression that she would do something that twisted.

So Haruka’s delusion of “his perfect loveable self” might have intermingled with himself taking his life. Because something that always threw me off was that in the end of AKAA when we get the split second of him strangling the girl it is clearly a grown up Haruka putting his hands on her neck. But in Weakness they are around the same age apparently. Why is this? Well, of course the “perfect little girl his mother wanted” would stay a little girl forever in his mind.

So he is fully convinced that he killed that girl, in his mind she was real after all.

This might be completely off the mark, but even if it is, I still could imagine Haruka taking his life after having committed the murder of the girl. Going over his second VD again personally I am leaning more towards the option that the girl was his little sister, with how much attention he puts on it having been a murder out of jealousy.

But the lyrics going along with him pushing the girl in Weakness could also allude to the possibility of that “imaginary girl” theory.

And right here at 1:20 down in the water we go again, directly after the scene above.

And at 2:05 we are at the well known stone smashing scene. The action in the screen is not the main point in this case though, here we have the first appearance of the lyrics of:

Haruka usually doesn’t consider the abuse received by his mother as bad, any attention received from her is good attention in his eyes, so he wouldn’t see himself as a victim for that, right?

So what could it imply?

Maybe becoming your own victim?

Because a lot more importantly, these lyrics make another reappearance right away. When?

When Haruka strangles his younger self. (Right after another “falling in water” scene at that.)

And at the end we literally have Haruka kneeling over his dead self, admitting that “it was me”.

It is also important to note that this is the only instance in the MV where he is not waking up in his bed again.

So that is all already plenty to go from, isn’t it? But don’t worry, there will be plenty more. (Or do worry, my heart cries daily for poor Haruka.)

To go chronologically let us look at his second VD:

Metamorphosis of the Weak

This will be quick, we only have to take a look at the very end here where Haruka comes up with his suicide threat. It’s his first instinct after threatening to kill Es and becoming aware again that he can’t do that. He is making that statement with astounding ease, almost as if … he went through with it before. He knows he is capable of doing it, so he is certain and confident of himself.

On that note, I am like 99,9% certain that he won’t be successful with whatever attempt he might be starting, there will be an intervention or a reason why it’s not possible of some sort. It will most likely go against Milgram’s purpose of judging these prisoners, so it won’t be allowed that somebody escapes proper judgment by putting an end to themselves. (MILGRAM NOVEL 2 SPOILERS: Jackalope in the novel also makes a point of this, saying that the prisoners there are disposable only after they have been judged.)

But I wrote a whole post about all the reason I am certain they won't kill him off in the middle of the trials, if you want feel free to read up on that as well!

So without further ado let us go to Haruka’s second MV:

All knowing and all Agony analysis

We start at 0:12 with Haruka in his solitary confinement, the room getting flooded with water.

Here we are again with the theme of him getting submerged in water.

And the next scene of him submerged in water right here at 0:35 in the mirror (btw. I love the direction of this MV, the blurred writing appearing in the mirror like it is getting drifted ashore by the water being one of the parts of this).

Now here at 1:29 we have a very interesting scene.

Sadly AKAA is riddled with a very spotty translation of the lyrics that doesn’t convey the meaning a lot of times or even leaves out some things.

This part here is the perfect example, the more fitting translation here would be: “if with the push of one button I could be reborn”

The translation exchanges the reborn with reset which doesn’t really carry the same meaning in this context, being reborn is something that you get after dying. I don’t think this is a coincidence at all. Also important detail here is that we have the frames with the butterfly specimens on the wall. The butterfly is a symbol of death and rebirth as well. This goes well with the name of Haruka’s second VD, because “metamorphosis” is the term for the transformation that a butterfly undergoes in the cocoon.

And here another important part that gets lost in translation:

In Japanese it would more correctly translate to “I don't want to die, I don’t want to die”.

Because, yes, I do think that Haruka committed suicide. Do I think that he did it because he wanted to die? No, that was not the main objective for him. In my opinion it was either, like before mentioned, to be reborn so that he can be a more loveable self in the next life or it was the last final desperate cry for attention from his mother after even killing the target of his jealousy didn't give the desired results.

It probably also ties in with his situation in Milgram, he does not want to die, to get wiped out, but his death is once again the only means to an end that he can see in this situation, in this case forcing an innocent vote for Muu with his life as the bargaining chip. (And well, we all know how well that gamble turned out for him ...)

And then at 2:09 we have the scene of Haruka standing on the chair.

You know what people often stand on chairs for? Hanging themselves. Doesn’t help that the barred up window in the back sort of alludes to the rope of a noose the way one of the bars is placed directly behind of him.

And here once more, with the infamous “dreaMu” line.

As I mentioned before, I suspect his pre-Milgram suicide was by drowning, but these images could very well allude to his threat spoken in the prison to secure Muu’s innocent vote. I personally wonder how Haruka could even be aware of this option to take his own life, because I can hardly imagine him having knowledge about this with his “sheltered” lifestyle, but who knows. 

Good luck attempting that in the prison though, as far as I am aware there are no fixtures there that would allow for it, and we are talking about a person that can’t even tie his own shoes, let alone tie a noose that would hold up his whole body weight.

Here we also have another very bad translation choice, and I’m not talking about the “dreaMu”. No, the problem is that they just didn’t include the whole second part of that line which would be “and spread my wings wide”, perfectly going along with Haruka spreading his arms like wings.

As if to take flight. This could be calling back to the butterfly symbolism as well as jumping, “taking flight”, from the chair …

And at 3:00 we reach another part of the MV where Haruka gets submerged in fluid. But this time it’s not water.

We have seen this fluid before in the MV, notably when the preserved animals started “melting”.

Preservation is the important word here, because this fluid is most likely formaldehyde (or formalin), used to preserve dead bodies. Fun fact, this is technically not the first time we see it, it might be present in Weakness as well.

This bottle here right at the beginning looks a lot like bottles that get used to store it. It is also a clear fluid before it comes into contact with what gets preserved.

As to why Haruka has knowledge about this sort of thing is, that I could imagine that his mother had to do with animal specimen preservation, either as a hobby or for work, so he is familiar with the function of it. On that note, he might even have started killing animals to bring his mother more bodies for her hobby/work and to be praised for it.

So we are closing the MV with Haruka sitting and swaying in his “formaldehyde tank”, the very substance in which dead things are preserved, repeating the lines of wanting to be reborn to be the favorite next time, in his next life basically.

(Oh my sweet boy, you don’t have to try so hard, you are already my favorite.)

And this is it, my theory that Haruka is literally a dead boy walking in this prison.

My heart bleeds for him, because for him it’s absolutely impossible to get any sort of happy end at the finale of Milgram and I think he would have deserved the world. Just a family that would have supported and understood him properly, a way more normal life, how his biggest wish is.

[fuck-you-upmusicbracket]

Iris (The Goo Goo Dolls)

And I'd give up forever to touch you/'Cause I know that you feel me somehow/You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be/And I don't want to go home right now/And I don't want the world to see me/'Cause I don't think that they'd understand/When everything's made to be broken/I just want you to know who I am

"It is a very bad thing that this song often plays in grocery stores and at the dentist's office, because it makes me cry. imagine walking around the world knowing that one of the songs that fucks you up could play in the goddamn dentist's office at any moment and there's nothing you can do about it. That in and of itself is something to be fucked up about. Also this song is gay. "And I'd give up forever to touch you /.../ you're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be" there's a gay interpretation in there. Why isn't the narrator going to heaven? Why does he have to give up forever to touch his partner? Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay."

Poll Runner: The song ever. You'll be screaming your lungs raw. The lyrics mean so much.

The Ocean (Against Me!)

And if I could have chosen/I would have been born a woman/My mother once told me/She would have named me Laura/I'd grow up/To be strong and beautiful like her/One day, I'd find an honest man/To make my husband

If I could have chosen where God would hide his heaven/I would wish for it to be in the salt and swell of the ocean/Carried by the currents to all continents' shores/Reaching into the depths where the sun’s light has never shone/If I could have chosen, I would have been born a woman/There is an ocean in my soul where the waters do not curve

"Have you ever listened to a soul-rending song that has a metatextual happy ending?A cry of suffering and of resignation to happiness being a fantasy while you drown in a tumultuous ocean. But. A few years later, you realise you don't have to be resigned, that happiness can come. Happiness doesn't have to be a fantasy, happiness can just be reality. You can transition and find yourself, like Laura Jane Grace, the group's singer-songwriter did five years after that song's release. Whether you're trans or not, such a powerful song that becomes a diary note that you read now, not facing dread everyday, with kindness towards younger you : that's a beautiful message that shakes you."

"Ocean. The Ocean. The Ocean. It's. it's. it's such a thing it's so good and so filling it is EVERYTHING. also coming out song. but not actually. And Laura's voice is so beautiful,,, and there is an ocean in my soul where the waters do not curve."

[undertheopensky]

Anticipation

Whumptober Day 16: Alt #5 Body Modification

Characters: Legend, Wild, Warriors

Trigger warnings: Presumed drowning, body horror, painful transformations, some blood

Read on Ao3!

Oh look! More drowning! Except not really.

-----

“Why is your Hyrule so inconvenient?”

“It’s not my fault the lizalfos took over the docks!” Wild stabs one under the arm. Black-blooded and undeterred, it just hisses and swaps its jagged weapon to the other hand. “I clear them out and then they come back, it’s just the ways things work here!”

“Well it’s fucking annoying!” Wars knocks aside the spear aimed for his gut, then uses his shield to knock the monster back a few paces. When it stumbles at the edge of the wooden platform, he pushes the advantage and shoves it off into the river below.

“Wait, don’t -”

“They swim,” says Wars flatly, wiping his hair out of his face. He ducks to the side when the lizalfos spits at him again.

“Yeah,” says Wild. “And good luck getting them out of the water again.”

Wars mutters curses under his breath.

Having - finally - finished off his current opponent, Wild switches to a bow so he can take out the lizalfos Wars had unsuccessfully tried to drown. The best thing to do is just pepper them with arrows until they get angry about him dodging their return shots and come close enough to hit with a sword, or keel over with twenty arrowheads in their face. And since Wild is best with a bow, that makes it his job. Fortunately it’s one he enjoys.

Wars curses again. “Shit - vet, look out!”

There’s a yelp, a splash, and triumphant lizalfos jeering.

Wild rolls his eyes. “You okay down there, vet?”

He fully expects to hear cursing, or maybe complaints about getting his boots wet. That there’s nothing -

“The vet can swim, right?!” he asks, running for the dock Legend had been standing on.

“He said he could!”

But there’s uncertainty there, because none of them have ever seen him do it. When they’d wound up on Outset for a week Legend had refused to get within spitting distance of the water.

Absently blocking a tail swipe, Wild scans the rough water for red and gold and pink, and - there! Dragged along in the current. It doesn’t even look like he’s trying to swim, just struggling uselessly against the water. The vet is so going to get it for lying about being able to swim. If Wars doesn’t kill him, Time definitely will, once they make it back and Wars snitches.

Graceless but efficient, Wild hacks away at the lizalfos until it collapses in a heap of smoke. A quick check proves Wars is holding his own against the only two remaining, a black and a blue, so he can handle that.

Monsters dealt with, Wild jumps in the water -

And finally hears Legend screaming.

Sound underwater is always weird. Too flat, and strangely echoing. Wild still recognises the sound of Legend in pain, and his heart tries to turn itself inside out on the spot. Fuck. Fuck. What had happened? Had one of the lizalfos got in a lucky shot while pushing him off the platform? Was that why he hadn’t surfaced? But it’s been minutes what could have - there’s blood in the water -

Wild swims closer. There’s a - a zora? Tangled up with him, are they trying to help Legend? Wild doesn’t know them, doesn’t know anyone with that combination of pink and gold and gossamer veils instead of thick fins. What if they’re not helping? What if they’re why Legend is screaming? Zora are big and strong and agile in the water and this one must be huge to have such a big tail -

Legend shudders, and goes silent, and the thrashing stops, and Wild can actually get a clear look at what’s going on as he dives to the rescue.

There was no zora. The tail is attached to Legend, his body Hylian to the hips then transitioning to the pink and gold scales of an enormous fish. Wild’s never seen one with such delicate, translucent fins.

Or one that was, y’know, attached to a person, but that’s neither here nor there.

Wild hooks an arm around Legend’s waist and tows him to the surface. He’s desperately close to out of air; what about the veteran? He’d been - goddess - screaming right up to the last, so was he able to breathe underwater like this? He hopes so. Legend’s not resisting him at all and it’s really concerning, actually.

Breaching the surface, Wild takes a few seconds to gasp for air - he’d really cut it too close - before turning to inspect Legend. He’s relieved to find the veteran blinking back at him, tired but aware, water pouring from his face and hair. “Oh thank the goddess. Where are you hurt?” Wild starts swimming them towards shore - it’s not as close as it should be, because the current had apparently said ‘fuck you’ and pushed them both out to the middle while dragging them downstream.

“Mm? Jus’ a bruise, the lizalfos tripped me n’ I hit my hip on the platform as I fell.”

Wild remembers just how much blood there was in the water and does not believe him, but there’s no easy way to check while they’re both treading water. Legend being half a fish will probably also make things tricky. Do fish even work the same way Hylians do??? Legend is definitely a little hazy. He’s barely helping Wild tug them along, just giving a sluggish kick now and then, more to keep his balance then for propulsion. “Okay, so how do we get rid of the tail?”

“I transform back when I leave the water.”

Cool, that’s easy. Wild finally finds the riverbed with his feet. Blessed solid ground! Well, semi solid. It’s more sand than mud, at least. Although… hmm. There’s no way Legend will make it out of the river without feet. Wild will have to carry him. “Alright, up we go!” He scoops Legend into his arms and starts wading out.

Legend falls against him, visibly confused, before he registers what’s happening and his eyes go wide. “No!” He throws himself backwards, and his massive tail thrashes. They overbalance.

Up to his neck in river water with sand creeping into his pants, Wild turns a dead-eyed glare on Legend. “Why.”

“I wasn’t - I don’t -” Legend’s tail flicks back and forth like an agitated cat. He sinks deeper into the water. “I wasn’t… ready. I can’t -”

“Can’t turn back that fast?” Okay, so there’s a time component. That’s fine. Wild would like to get dry sometime today, but he can cope. “How long til you can make the switch back, an hour?”

“No, it’s just -” Legend looks away, shame pinning his ears low. “I just - need a break. Need to brace myself, first.”

Wild remembers Legend’s screams.

Dread rising, he asks, “It’s the same turning back?”

Legend reluctantly nods.

“Fuck.”

Legend gives a humourless bark of laughter. “Yeah.”

“The fuck kind of ability is it?”

“Cursed item,” Legend says. He scowls at Wild’s raised eyebrows. “What, did you think I was joking every time I told you not to touch my shit?

“No, I’m just surprised you still use it. It sounds horrible.”

Legend sighs. “Part of the curse. There’s no item to use - it’s just a part of me now.”

“Ledge! Wild!”

They both look up. Wars is jogging along the shoreline towards them; he would have had to navigate the docks to get off the river first before even starting to follow them, poor bastard. He’s a little out of breath when he slows to a stop near them. “Are you both okay? Ledge, I’m sorry I didn’t warn you in time, but you told us you can swim!”

“I can swim,” Legend snaps, a bit more life coming back into him. “It’s just a bit difficult when a cursed item is unexpectedly breaking every bone in my legs!”

Warriors’ face goes horrified, scanning Legend like he can see through the water still rushing past. Legend reddens. “I’m fine, stop giving me that look!”

You’ll have to forgive me if I don’t believe you, says Wars dryly.

The sigh Legend gives is long and loud to express his annoyance, but he kicks back in the water so the pink and gold of his tail comes close to the surface. “Involuntary transformation,” he says shortly, and rights himself.

“It’s pretty,” says Warriors.

Legend glares at him, tense and waiting for the punchline.

“Why didn’t you ever tell us?”

The tail thrashes, churning up river mud into a murky soup. “And open myself up to every joke and taunt you all can think of? ‘Legend turns into a pretty pink fish, let’s knock him in the fountain for a laugh!’”

“Legend. That doesn’t sound like a joke. That sounds like torture.”

Legend flinches and looks away.

Wars continues doggedly, “I knew a guy in the war who used transformation magic. Scary stuff - and it always left him pretty fucked up afterwards. I saw blood in the water, was that from you?”

“It was,” says Wild, ignoring Legend’s irritated hiss.

Wars grimaces. “And I bet transforming the other way is just as bad. Shit. Is there anything we can do to help? Make it easier?”

Legend shrugs and sinks deeper in the water, uncomfortable. “I mean, it’s not as bad if I have warning? When it’s unexpected it always seems to take longer.”

“That happen often?” Wars asks.

He wobbles a hand. “Not so much these days. I’m more careful around water that’s deep enough to trigger it.” He snorts. “I’ve been waiting for one of these portals to dump us in a lake, though.”

Wars and Wild both cringe.

Breathing out sharply, Legend sets his face into something grim and determined. “Alright. Let’s get this over with.”

Legend’s stifled screams are awful, but somehow not as awful as watching his beautiful tail tear itself in two. The scales slough off in sheets, exposing twitching muscle underneath, before pale skin crawls in to replace them, painfully slow. Coiling ribbons of crimson are swept downstream along with shed scales, glimmering pink and gold. Eventually, he’s left fully Hylian, drenched and panting in the shallows.

Wars insists on running his hands over his legs, checking to make sure the skin sealed fully and the vet is intact.

“It may look horrific, but it does at least put everything back when it’s done,” says Legend dryly.

“Sounds horrific, too,” says Wild. The sound of Legend’s bones breaking, tearing away from themselves, and then reforming had nearly made him hurl.

“And this happens every time? Isn’t there any way to control it?”

Legend cracks one tired eye to look at him. “No. As soon as I’m submerged up to the waist, the curse takes over.”

“Fuck,” says Wars.

“I already said that, you’re behind the times,” says Wild, making Legend grin.

“Well it bears saying again.” Wars scrubs at his eyes. “Wild, you’re the expert here - how far off course are we?”

“Uhh.” Wild has to pull out the slate to answer that one. He knows they wound up downriver, but how far? Whoof. “Well, we’re almost to Thims Bridge,” he says, “which is not closer to Kakariko.”

“More’s the pity,” Legend mutters, trying to wring out his hair.

“However, instead of trying to catch us horses in the wetland, since we’ll be going straight past a stable I can just pull mine. So, yay for that?”

“How far is it to the stable?”

Wild squints, trying to do the math on foot. “Like… half a day, maybe? We weren’t gonna make Kakariko today no matter what, so it might be better to stay at the stable’s inn overnight.” He and Wars meet each other’s gaze and carefully do not look at Legend, who most needs the rest.

“Sounds like a plan,” Wars agrees.

With a grunt of effort, Legend levers himself upright. “Which way, then?”

“Well according to the weird glowy map, the bridge is that way, but I’m not seeing how that’s your problem.” Wars kneels in the sand, presenting his back to Legend. “C’mon, climb on.”

“What? No. You are not carrying me, there’s no need for that shit.”

“Are you kidding me? Look at you. You’re exhausted. You can barely stay on your feet. It won’t cost me anything to carry you for a bit while you get your strength back. Besides,” he adds, “your shoes are soaked. If you walk half a day in them now you’ll get blisters.”

Legend makes an indistinct grumbling noise. “Fine.”

When they eventually make it to the stable in the evening, they’re beyond relieved to see the rest of the Chain waiting there. It does mean that Wild has to race ahead making frantic gestures for everyone to shut the fuck up, lest they wake Legend, sleeping peacefully on Warriors’ back.

[chronicallycouchbound]

Homelessness as Trauma: Transitioning Into Housing

Having housing after experiencing homelessness for over half of my life wasn’t healing for me (and most others too).

Homelessness is inherently traumatic in and of itself. Just the act of not having housing is traumatic. But before someone becomes homeless ever, we know that certain marginalized communities are more likely to become homeless, and that those marginalized communities are experiencing communal trauma AND the individual person is experiencing trauma. Additionally, whatever led to you becoming homeless was traumatic. And then you’re at significantly increased exposure to other traumas while unhoused (friends dying, police violence, systemic barriers, communal traumas, developing medical conditions, medical discrimination, etc).

Long-term homelessness is exponentially traumatizing.

When I lived in a youth homeless shelter for nearly 4 years, prior to, and after that I had been unhoused or in extremely unstable housing. Watching as other youth would become unhoused and then quickly gain housing, some in under a week, most in under a few months, I felt absolutely dispirited. As time went on, I only acquired more marginalization and thus faced more barriers. I felt like I would never have stable housing. It often still feels this way.

The staff at the shelter where I lived consistently said “We are not a crisis stabilization unit” in response to youth showing signs of trauma and crisis. Almost no concrete supportive services exist for people transitioning out of long-term homelessness. I stopped qualifying for most services after I stopped being legally homeless, even though my housing was even more unstable than the shelter was most of the time.

For a frame of reference, because I was never officially in foster care as a minor (even though I was homeless and on my own documented as a minor, had various legal guardians other than my parents, as well as dozens of child services calls and regular check-ins with caseworkers because of documented physical abuse and neglect all throughout my childhood, but I digress) I don't qualify for the services that foster youth get granted until they're 30, even if they only spent 1 night in foster care. Some of those services include free college, housing vouchers to pay for housing in full, guaranteed Medicaid coverage, additional food stamps, and more. I have several friends who have used these programs and are thriving! I'm glad they exist for people in need-- they should also be expanded to include homeless youth.

So when I moved into my first apartment, on my own, at age 19, I was genuinely more terrified than at any time while I had ever been homeless. I slept with my backpack as a pillow and my jacket as a blanket, despite having pillows and blankets to use. It was like a security blanket for me. I slept with my knife on my waistband like I always did, and I reluctantly put my boots within arm's reach instead of wearing them.

I didn't put anything into cabinets or closets or drawers for a very long time. I just kept living out of my backpack. I was afraid of leaving anything in my apartment-- usually leaving any possessions anywhere meant saying goodbye to them. I was afraid of being alone in my tiny studio apartment so I would have friends over every night.

There was times I wouldn't leave my apartment for days on end, especially when I started owning possessions that I had to leave behind and couldn't carry everything on my back anymore. I can't remember a time I owned enough possessions that I couldn't fit them all into a tote box and backpack. It was an entirely foreign experience.

People kept congratulating me and yet no one gave me any help with getting basic necessities for my apartment. Every pot and pan I own is scratched to shit and found free on the road, akin to all my mismatched dull knives and friend's hand-me-down towels. It was a pat on the back while I was still out there drowning.

People kept congratulating me and still my friends, my family, were on the streets dying. Acting like I should be proud to "overcome" while the system still hurts us all. My friends are still dying. Our whole community is grieving all the time. I feel guilty to just be alive.

That's not even touching the start of processing the trauma I experienced while unhoused. They say you don't start to process shit til you're safer and it hit like a tidal wave.

I had never felt like that before getting off the streets. And I wasn't and am still not in stable housing. I can't even imagine what stable housing would look like, let alone how tryna process that would be like. It is such a raw and vulnerable experience to come fresh out of homelessness and then be thrown into a world you've never known.

So many people think JUST housing is the answer when it simply is not. We need supportive services, we need community support, we need to be cared for and looked after. We need places to go for holidays and people to be our emergency contacts. We need financial help and support that money can't buy. We need real love, we need to be held by our community and uplifted to where we all can thrive.

[shitacademicswrite]

I just made the transition from community college to a state school where I'm taking a lot more 3000 level classes instead of 100-200 level classes and I feel like I'm drowning. I'm a first gen student and I love school but my brain cannot wrap itself around a lot of academic texts and I feel like my posts on discussion boards are just not great. Any tips? Or literally like any key words I need to use with help centers/professors/google to figure out what I need to do?

I would strongly recommend talking to your professors and advisor. If the problem is with individual classes and their information, go to your professors' office hours and ask for help with the information or the assignments. A lot of students don't utilize office hours, but they are literally there for students who need help, and professors WANT you to come to office hours if you're struggling! It also proves to the prof that you are trying, so they're more likely to cut you slack if you need it at some point.

If the problem is that ALL your classes seem too difficult, you should see if you can make an appointment with your advisor (if you have one in your declared major) or an on-campus help center or tutoring center, or even see if your university has an Office of Disabilities (they probably do). What you may need is a change of concentration, a change of major, some general study advice, or even some accommodations for learning disabilities. Your college wants to give you these things! If you talk to somebody and they don't know how to help you, ask them who on campus can.

The more specific you can get about what specifically it is that you're struggling with, the better advice and help you're going to get. Are you not understanding lectures? Struggling with the amount of reading? Is it a particular class/classes? What about those classes are hard? Try to figure out specifically what it is that's tripping you up so you can ask somebody about those things.

You can also drop me a line in private messaging if you want to talk!

[rockyfr0g]

my thoughts on "writing on the wall" by will stetson (as someone who relates to kaveh an unhealthy amount)

(ill preface this by saying im not good at separating headcanon and canon, especially when it comes to kaveh, and im not the best at understanding songs at more than face value cause im autistic but i just have so many thoughts on kaveh and this song and aaa)

firstly, the differences between the three choruses. i love how it encapsulates the devolution of both his mental state and how he views his work. in the first chorus, hes careful and precise, taking a lot of pride and happiness in his work, excited to see the completed project and overall enjoying working on it. whereas the second and third choruses hes been beaten down and rejected more and more by clients, failing to understand his vision, he feels more and more trapped by his creations. but still he holds his pride in them because if he loses that, he'll lose everything hes worked for. at first hes able to ignore the "writing on the wall", but as it gets harder and harder to please his clients or be able to afford what he wants to do, or even to create his visions, the writing becomes harder to ignore. as for what the writing means, im not too sure. but my idea is that the writing refers to the voices of doubt or dissaproval (both from his own thoughts and others comments), as well as the little criticisms when a client asks to revise his design once more. all of the negativity mixing within his own confidence in himself and his art, culminating in the writing on the wall. it represents the thoughts he desperatly tries to keep hidden until it gets too much and overflows (the end of the song).

secondly, i wanna talk about the actual music video. ive only watched it the one time for now, but here are my thoughts on it. the transitions between choruses and verses, and how it becomes redder and more exasperated the longer the song goes on to me feels like a really good expression of kavehs emotional state during the song. how the lines between him as a person and as an artist are slowly blurring, as he feels like hes becoming one with his buildings. being "trapped" by them.

another thing i love about the song is that its JUST focusing on kaveh. it isnt kaveh and alhaitham, it isnt 4ggravate. its all about kaveh. which is rare to see, especially within fandom space where i find kaveh is often diminished to just alhaithams partner, roomate, tormenter, whatever. so its really refreshing to see someone focusing solely on him and his problems without regard for anyone else for once, i love it. it gives you more of an understanding of just how much kaveh struggles, not only when it comes to his professional life, but his personal life too. we see how he struggles to balance keeping his aesthetics and pride while also trying to adhere to what the client wants, with "the right way takes a toll" showing how no matter how hard kaveh does try to keep this balance, it often gets toppled over and his ideas are more or less ignored in favour of something simpler. the balance is something kaveh struggles with throughout the whole song, but it becomes more prevalant in the last couple minutes. as for how he struggles personally, well the song mentions "the bigger the sorrows to drown", hinting at kavehs struggle with alcoholism and his use of alcohol as an escape from the voices and torments hes subjected to by his mind, turning to numbing his feelings with alcohol and often ending up worse off, physically or mora-wise. his alcoholism specifically isn't something i see people talk about a lot as its often glossed over or treated as just one of his quirks, when its evident that it is a serious problem, hes jsut so used to it at this point that he doesnt present it as such.

apologies, this kinda stopped being about the song itself and more just about kaveh and my own thoughts in some parts. but i hope its an interesting read at least!!

[practically-an-x-man]

Vivienne Andenæs

(picrew is here for her human and siren forms, moodboard by @negative-speedforce, faceclaim is Rianne Von Rampaey)

Full Name: Vivienne Siversdatter Andenæs Pronouns: she/it (femme-presenting nonbinary, pansexual)

Nicknames: Vivienne Copanczik (first husband), Vivienne Wojchek (second/current husband), siren, she-devil (jokingly) Pet Names: rybko (little fish), żabko (little frog/froggie), perełko (pearl), serduszko (sweetheart) [Polish pet names from Wojchek]

Relevant Tags: #oc vivienne

Birthday: Somewhere in the early/mid 1800s Age in Chapter One: Appears in her 30s, but its real age is unclear

Universe/Fandom: Last Voyage of the Demeter (movie)

Physical Traits: - Human form: 5'10", extremely slender build. Has wavy red hair (usually tied back or braided) and extremely pale eyes, a tall oval-shaped face with strong cheekbones, small nose and lips, and a scattering of freckles across her cheeks. Often wears modest clothes befitting her time period, her wedding ring on a chain around her neck, and a drawn or stoic expression. - Siren form: Standard details such as the shape of its face do not change, however its eyes appear even paler to the point that it appears to completely lack an iris (just the pupil, and a bluish sclera around it). Its skin also appears faintly blue-tinted, like the ice of a glacier, and shimmers with the impression of iridescent scales. Below the waist, has a long purple-and-red tail akin to a betta fish, about 1.5x her height in length. Has the same purple-and-red fins along its forearms, webbed fingers, and small gills under the base of its jaw. Wears minimal clothing as it would inhibit its swimming, usually restricted to a loose skirt around the base of its tail, and the same wedding ring on a necklace.

Character Traits: Polite and reserved while on land/in her human form, though much more outgoing and boisterous while out at sea. When not restraining itself, it is outspoken and friendly if slightly off-putting (mainly thanks to its siren nature), shrewd, and surprisingly generous once she takes favor of someone. Enjoys the feeling of community, such as rallying the crew with a sea shanty or weaving tall tales about her past travels.

Relationships:  - Family: Siver (father, implied, she doesn't share about her family much), other sirens ("sisters" through the power of Poseidon) - Friends: N/A - Romantic Partner: Antoni* Wojchek (current husband), Florian Copanczik (first husband) *he's not given a first name in the movie, this is the one I chose for him

Additional Information: - Originally from Norway, but has spent much of her life at sea - Can switch between its human and siren forms at will, though the presence of water does influence its transformation (i.e. it is difficult if not impossible to remain human while submerged in water, and difficult to shift to her siren form when away from water) - Her first husband was also a sea captain, and taught her everything she knows about sailing and rigging a ship - Became a siren after her first husband cast her off his ship and left her to drown - Poseidon showed mercy on her and made her a siren, with the promise that she would never again marry a captain of the sea ^ MOVIE SPOILERS AHEAD - this promise becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, as she marries Wojchek but he dies before officially becoming captain of the Demeter - Does have a siren-song capable of a sort of hypnosis, though is also able to speak and sing without using it. - Would be deemed nonbinary by modern standards, though its historical context hinders its expression - Its identity as a siren acts as a metaphor for historical nonbinarism - on land, she is constrained by society's expectations, while at sea it is free to be itself - Enjoys storytelling, and Wojchek has tried to convince her to write a book - Because its tail is so long and unwieldy, often needs assistance transitioning from water to land, and will sometimes just hang from the prow of the ship to speak rather than attempting to climb onto the deck