#that 6th grade english class fucked up something in my brain

[lmanburgseulogy]

I am so normal about everything and everyone i love

[hauntedtotem]

i had such a good dream and I woke up right before I was about to kill this guy 💔

(it's ok it was deserved)

It starts out with me back in 6th grade at 11 yrs old again, but I have my adult brain and all my memories still so I'm like. "Fuck this I'm not doing schoolwork all over again/not gonna sit here and be belittled and talked down to bc everyone thinks I'm a kid" so I leave my English class, one of the teachers i didnt like starts following me because, y'know, kids can't just walk out of school- I'm taking all these extra hallways and doors that don't exist irl, telling her im an adult and trying to lose her.

Whatever, boring stuff- then I hear other teachers talking about a special field trip my class won to [redacted location] where they'll get to fly in a helicopter. And I get a final destination vision where the helicopter crashes (but everyone is fine), so I'm like. Perfect, I can take some money, go on this field trip, and escape during the commotion so I don't have to relive 6th grade.

I wasn't eligible to go but snuck on the train anyways, and the ticket guy on the train was also the operator for this helicopter thing we were doing? He asks for my ticket, I give him a crumpled up carnival ticket I found in my pocket and he's pissed, but we're already at the location so what're you gonna do, that's all I got.

Apparently because I wasn't supposed to be on this trip and no one back home knew where I was, I was reported missing and had to hide my identity. This guy was speaking outloud to our group saying if any of us are a runway then we're "selfish little bastards that deserve to suffer."

Guy was super angry about it, idk.

I sneak onto the copter, and for some reason the city was like Venice and had rivers and waterways everywhere, and one of my classmates is saying it's the river styx and freaking out about all the bodies floating down. I didn't see dead bodies, just regular people swimming around in tubes. so I was like, "dude I think that's just a lazy river". But he was adamant they were corpses/souls in anguish, (and considering the events later on in the dream his perception was probably right, but it looked normal to me?)

So, copter crashes like in the vision, I had an umbrella to shield from the shattered glass of the front window. My classmates are perfectly fine, I escape the wreckage in the commotion. I go to this other area next to the crash site with a piranha infested lake, and the angry ticket guy's stuff is there, which I throw into the lake and let it get eaten by the piranha because the guy was an asshole and yelled at me for the whole trip.

Then I swim across while the fish are distracted, there's this big marble alter on the other side. It's like a cathedral-style mausoleum or something? I hoist myself out of the lake, entering this alter.

I hear the ticket guy across the lake, pissed about his stuff being thrown in and he's talking to my coach (who was chaperoning our field trip) about how he was going to kill me, with great detail and very enthusiastically.

I can hear this all the way from inside this weird little occult place I entered, the inside is grimy and only contains this small square hole, that was a chute to somewhere. He knows I'm there, and I hear him all giddy about how he gets to throw me down the chute.

So im like, what's in the chute?? So I jump down myself, and it's like a straight drop into a body pit. It's so clogged up with the amount of corpses in there, so you don't even make it to the pit, you just get stuck in the chute and starve while being forced to lay in decomp with hundreds of rotting bodies under you, and you can't climb back out. Guy has been throwing kids down here for who knows how long.

So I'm pissed now, because this dude was going to kill what he thought was an 11 yr old child, just because I didn't pay for a train fair and threw his man-purse in a lake. And he's clearly a serial child murderer from how many bodies he had stacked in this little sacrificial pit- I assume because the location it had to be some sort of ritualistic cult thing? And maybe tied into the river styx thing going on outside idk.

Little does he know, I'm not actually a small human child, so my body contorts, limbs bending at all sorts of angles to climb out of the chute, and i hide in the rafters while he gets to the alter and walks in.

He walks in laughing, thinking he's about to kill some defenseless kid, but I'm right above him in the rafters ready to scare the shit out of him and throw his ass down the chute myself. Im sitting up there looking like an uncanny edit of the Russian Sleep Experiment animatronic, doing a worse version of the grudge crawl like:

And I am soo ready to see his reaction, and get revenge for all those victims. And then I wake up before I can even show off that I'm not human :(((

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #079

Do you enjoy Tim Burton films? Which one is your favourite? Oh, I absolutely do. I really enjoy his remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and I also have a deep fondness for Corpse Bride. His version of Alice in Wonderland is also fantastic. How many siblings does your significant other have? He has one older sister. Have you ever done three or more shots in a row? I've never taken shots and am not really interested in doing so because I HATE the taste of alcohol. Do you use Twitter? No. Last person to make you seriously mad? Sara. Not even gonna get fuckin started.

As kids, were there any toys that you & your sibling(s) used to fight over? Uhhh, possibly? I mean realistically there probably is SOMETHING, but tbh I was generally into things/toys my sisters weren't so I don't think they really messed with them. As a kid, did you own any items of clothing with a Disney character on them? Oh, certainly. I especially had a whole lot of Finding Nemo stuff. What would you say is your favorite television show? Of all-time, Meerkat Manor, but I am currently most actively interested in/watching Extraordinary Attorney Woo. Do you enjoy big holiday dinners? Quite honestly? No. Those only ever occur when we're with Ashley's family/in-laws, who are a bunch of horrifically conservative hicks quite frankly, and I get really uncomfortable when they do the group prayer before eating (I just close my eyes and dip my head to not feel like a sore thumb), they take ANY get-together as a chance to ramble about how Covid is a government scheme among other political fucking nonsense, and people always ask why I pretty much always barely eat anything at all, especially without fail on Thanksgiving. They're just uncomfortable. Is there any piece of jewelry you're constantly wearing? My lip ring, tragus stud, and the "keep (fucking) going" ring from my mom. Would you say you hate anyone? Quite honestly, yes. If you have the fucking audacity to believe my trauma is invalid and just a lie as a whole, FUCK you and I have ZERO fucking respect for you. That is the rudest fucking thing you could EVER do to me. Do you think freckles are cute? Oh, absolutely. Have you been to Red Lobster before? Yep. Their biscuits are fucking heavenly. Who is your role model, if you had to choose? Markiplier. Do you believe in any particular curses? Nope. Have you ever taken a keyboarding class? Yeah; I want to say two semesters were mandatory in middle school. Favorite high school teacher: Coach Collie. Not a gym teacher, despite his title; he taught English, but was also theeeee... baseball coach, I think? I know he taught some sport and just preferred that title. I still have him on my Facebook, even though I KNOW I disappoint that man with the shit I share and all the cursing I do lmao Would you say you think you have a mental disorder of some kind? I am very, fully aware I deal with multiple. I've been diagnosed with SO much over time though and have been told and very much agree it's unlikely I have ALL that I've been told I do, just so much stuff overlaps that I barely know what to call what anymore. I just know I have depression, an unstable mood, extreme sensitivity to judgment, and I'm an anxious mess that worries about anything and everything. Are you normally an independent person? No, quite frankly. Another problem I have is EXTREME dependency. I need my hand held with so many fucking things that it's just straight-up embarrassing. I get overwhelmed absurdly easily and sincerely struggle making sense of things by myself and just feel very stupid a lot. From the bottom of my heart I truly believe the fucking monsoon of different medications I've been on since the 6th grade has taken an awful toll on my brain's overall health and ESPECIALLY my memory, which also greatly affects my ability to do shit on my own. Have you ever failed a class before? I failed algebra during my last attempt at college, and I know I also failed some courses on my second try/online endeavor at college, but I don't remember which. What's the meanest thing someone's called you? I sure did appreciate being called a spineless, weak-willed deadweight by Sara. That was cool. Even cooler than being called a martyr by Briar. Have you ever seen a tornado in person? No and I never, EVER, want to. I would fucking shit myself and I'm not even fucking kidding about that. Probably die on the scene from a goddamn heart attack. I don't fuck around with how much I am petrified of tornadoes. Has anyone made you mad today? I still feel residual anger over stuff relating to Sara from a few days ago, but it's easing up at least... Ever been obsessed with a show? Oh, absolutely Meerkat Manor. Do you remember how old you were, when you first began to use swearwords? However old I was in the 7th grade. Does anyone in your life use terms of endearment a lot when talking to you? Primarily Girt. Mom does too sometimes. What is an essential product that, in your opinion costs more than it should? Feminine hygiene products. Can you recall the last movie/TV show that made you cry? I cried the last time Girt and I watched Extraordinary Attorney Woo. The episode ended super beautifully and emotionally and I just couldn't handle it, haha. Do you remember the last occasion when you were out and about and “bumped into” someone you knew? Were you glad to see them? Uhhhhh... I honestly can't. What does your mother do for work? If she’s a homemaker, any specific reason for this? She is on disability due to her cancer. She does do some cleaning at a church for a small pay, but not enough to disqualify her from disability. It breaks her heart really, she got cancer RIGHT before she would've started interning as a social worker. She's pretty sure that dream just isn't obtainable anymore. Her cancer is GOING to come back at some point, anyway... I just feel so bad for my mom and how she never, ever, got to be/do the things she wanted. What about your father? What does he do? He's been a mailman literally for as long as I've been alive, I think. If you have a Facebook, what do you use it for? Honestly? Memes lmfao. When was the last time you did clay work/pottery? Not since high school when I made an anatomically correct heart for Jason. Would you rather be a model, famous scientist, singer, or chef? A scientist. Does making others happy really make you feel happy? Absolutely. Do you know a Jack? What’s he like? Sara has a brother named Jack. Regardless of having absolutely no fucking respect for her, I respect her brother's privacy and am kinda just uncomfortable sharing details about him. When you have children, would you like twins? If I wanted to have kids, I would DREAD having twins. I'd lose my fucking mind. Do you know any twins? If so, what are they called? I went to school with a Tyler and Taylor. I also know a woman who has had twin daughters, but idr their names. What personality trait does nearly everyone in your family seem to have? I'd say we're all pretty damn hard-headed. Would you ever live with any of your friends? Not at this point in my life, no. I'm probably only ever moving out when my partner and I are ready for that. Already kinda allude to it happening. What is your favorite kind of chocolate? Milk chocolate, esp with peanut butter or caramel filling. What was your first alcoholic beverage? A hard lemonade. Has a rumor even been spread about you? Yep, even though it was very obviously illogical. Marriage in your future? Probably, it's something we reference for future things, and our relationship is super healthy with no signs of it ending. How did you get your last bruise? Getting my last B-12 shot a few days ago. Which, by the way, has proven pretty fucking ineffective as I've lost solely water weight and no actual fat mass (we know from a scale they use that apparently costed thousands of dollars). I won't be getting them anymore because it's a very expensive program, and my body clearly isn't responding to it, so... what else is new. Are your parents married or divorced? Divorced as fuuuuuck. Do you eat the stems of broccoli? Yeah, that's honestly the part I prefer. How long was your longest drive in a car? At least 10 hours, but probably closer to 11. Maybe even 12, if my memory is really that bad. What was the name of the main character in the last book you read? Winter. Is your dad a jerk? I mean, he's honestly capable of being one. He doesn't sugar-coat anything whatsoever and is definitely capable of being rude when it's totally unnecessary. My dad is... weird, though, like I really don't think he realizes when he's being an ass. I don't think he as a whole is a real jerk, though. He's more than anything a very talkative, rambly but clueless old man who doesn't realize when he's being too much. Is anyone in your family currently in the military? No. What was the last thing you bought at the dollar store? A snack, I think. I wanna say peach rings. Do you own a bikini? Hell no, absolutely nobody wants to see me in a bikini. Does your town have a horse and carriage company? No. What was the name of the person who bullied you the most in high school? I'm very grateful that I was never bullied. Who was the last person you remember hanging up on you? I don't really know if anyone HAS properly hung up on me. The closest thing to that that's ever happened to me was when I called my WoW main's GM a bigot and he kicked me out of the voice chat and the guild, lmao. That man was fucking crazy, though I really can't remember what happened. This was years upon years ago, when I "lived" in the apartment w/ Jason. What was the last fast food restaurant that you ate at? What did you get? Uh it was Bojangle's a few days back. I had what's called a chicken supreme dinner there, which is five chicken tenders, fries, and a biscuit. List five movies that you hear are good, but that you have never seen. The Harry Potter series of course (which I nowadays refuse to watch because I am fucking not funding a terf that finds comfort in her fucking paycheck), The Blindside, Juno, Lord of the Rings series, and uh The Fault in Our Stars. How many continents have you been to, and which ones? I've never left North America. I want to, though... I wanna travel so bad. How many continents has your best friend been to, and which ones? I'm quite sure he hasn't left NA, either. How many continents has your dad been to, and which ones? I can pretty much guarantee he hasn't left America, either. That’s enough questions about continents. Anyways, do you like Iron Maiden? I sure do, they're a good band. What’s a place you have a strong emotional connection to? The little pond area behind the local community college... it's where I took my first prom pictures. I don't like seeing that place, doing so has even made me by itself have a total emotional breakdown. I haven't seen this place in years. Who was the last relative you visited? My grandma and uncle. Have you ever made any money from a side-hustle? I've taken pictures for people and have been paid for it, so I guess. Do you ever wonder what kind of person you’d have turned out to be if a certain event never happened to you? Oh, I ABSOLUTELY wonder who I would be if Jason never left. It's wild, I actually feel like I'd be a worse person... Is there anything you’d like to say to your last ex? Oh, there's PLENTY, but it's better that I never do. Where did you buy your dishes from? I have no idea, we've had the same pretty porcelain (I uh, think?) plates for literally as long as I can remember. Have you ever been a victim of a crime? Well, I'd say a gang attempting to break into our house, even though they failed, is definitely a crime... At this same house, we also had our basketball goal stolen. Aaaand again the same house, it's been egged and that's considered vandalism. That neighborhood was such incredible shit. Do you ever take intentional breaks from checking/posting on social media? I've taken a break from Facebook at least once, but I don't usually do this, even though I probably should more often... Who was Van Halen’s better singer - David Lee Roth, or Sammy Hagar? David is an absolute pompous dickbag, BUT I enjoy him more as a singer. Which fictional character has the most memorable quotes? Um, idk. Tbh I'm super bad at remembering quotes, so. Have you ever been to either of your parents’ workplaces? I seem to remember going inside the post office (where Dad works) as a very young kid. I used to go with my mom occasionally to the church she cleans at, but I'd always just bring my computer and also play Pokemon GO because the church was a gym, ha ha. Do you have any relatives who live on a different continent than you? Not that I know of. How did you and your significant other celebrate your last anniversary? We actually didn't, because I had fucking Covid. Wasn't happy about it, but I wasn't getting him sick after he JUST got over Covid himself. Do you have a good sense of direction? ABSOLUTLEY not. What’s the weirdest, rudest, or most ridiculous thing a guest has ever done in your home? I can't say I'm sure. Who was the recipient of your very first kiss? Jason. Do you prefer shrimp or crab? SHRIMP. Crab is just so mushy and in general atrocious. What was the last thing you watched on YouTube? I'm currently watching jacksepticeye play The Quarry. Do you know anyone who had a kid before they were financially stable? Who doesn't, let's be real. What’s your phone’s wallpaper picture? Lock screen, Richard Kruspe. Home screen, this neon green spooky pattern against black. When was the last time you saw the person you had your first kiss with? The start of February, 2017. Why did you move to where you’re living now? Because the woman who owned this house before was in the hospital dying and pretty much her dying wish was for her friend (also our friend) to have the house and give it to me and my mom (she knew us) because we were technically homeless. I'm so far beyond grateful to have a roof over my head, but god knows Mom and I hate it here. It's not home. What’s your opinion on wearing pajamas in public? Do you yourself do that? I literally do not give a shit. Even I do it. Not EVERYWHERE of course, but I definitely do it. What was the most severe punishment your parents gave you when you were growing up? My mom was a spanker when my sisters and I were kids, and sometimes they were too aggressive. I remember her leaving a clear handprint on my arm once. Since having grandkids though, she's grown very much against it. Have you ever been to California? I have not. What’s something you’re really bad at compared to others? Honestly, a whole lot. I can't remember jackshit, I can't give or understand directions (ties into not being able to remember even street names I see regularly), I am astonishingly inept socially, and I could go on for fifteen minutes at least. Do you know anyone who treats retail/restaurant employees poorly? That was fucking Colleen on a daily goddamn routine, it felt like. Y'all have NO fucking idea how many times I've been present while this witch was demanding to talk to a manager on the phone over NOTHING. I've also been with my dad before when he was being a difficult ass to the computer repair people. Are most of the books you own hardcover or paperback? Paperbacks, by far. Cheaper. What was the topic of conversation the last time you spoke to a sibling? I texted Ashley a day or two ago asking her to show Aubree this picture of a really cool balloon animal unicorn I saw online. She LOVES unicorns. What was the last caffeinated drink you had? Do you drink this often? By pure coincidence I have a Mountain Dew Voltage now, but I'm super relieved that I barely ever drink soda anymore, like it's just a rare treat. Flavored sparkling water has saved my fucking ass.

[aidenoes]

Im kinda bored so this is a little story time about a toxic best friend i had for many many years

Tw : s*lf-h*rm, s*icid*l thought, forced coming-out

To make the story easier let's call her Fish.

So... it started in primary school, i had moved out into a new city when i was in 3rd grade. That's when i first met her and we never really talked much. Then came 5th grade when we actually became friends.

And middle school happened and that's when everything went downhill real fast. In 6th grade i was still friend with her and i tried to get along with her other friend who was a bitch at that time, and i was too, so we never got along (even tho she is now my best friend bc we realised how much Fish was toxic lmao). So i had made new friends and she had too but we still made up over time and the other girl wasn't hanging out with us anymore.

Moving on to 7th, there was a new girl that came at the school at the beginning of the school year (who is also my bestfriend, props to her for staying with me all these years) and Fish immediately started talking to her. Eventually we have a group of 5 friends :me, her, our boyfriends and the new girl. The thing is that there was a trend of s*lf-h*rming yourself just to pretend to be depressed and sad, and Fish was one of the people who followed that trend. Me, being an absolute idiot, had no idea of the gravity. Well, i mean, i knew it was bad but my bestfriend was doing it so it's fine right ? No, it was not and i almost gave in to but i was afraid to harm myself so i never did. And that example is just to show how much i copied her, i destroyed my relationship bc i wanted to be like her and my ex-boyfriend was so good to me. Her relationship was like an light switch, you never knew when they were back together or not. We also had a skype group and messenger group of just three people: me, her and the new girl. Me and the new girl would badly roleplay and she would tell me, and only me, that i was cringy and leave the group chat like that. And i had no right to tell her i didn't like something about her, but she could though ? I let it slip anyway. I thought i was really happy, then came the worst year of my school life.

8th grade. At this point, Fish and her boyfriend had broken since he apparently abused her (im not sure since she is prone to lying) but i was still in good terms with him. Well we were not the best of friends but i wouldn't punch him (now i would bc he became such a fucking dick). But Fish started to become distant, as if she didn't want me around anymore but i ignored it thinking it was all in my head. One day, our teacher assigned us new places in class and i was next to her ex-boyfriend. We of course talked in class and laughed together. But out of nowhere, she started doing the sign where you slit your throat with your finger, y'know ? I thought she was doing it for kidding and i was just really confused, it was break after that class anyway so i can ask her wtf that was. She came to me and thought i was plotting against her with her ex-boyfriend and just told me to go fuck myself basically. I waited for my now ex-boyfriend and my friend to come-out of their class and explained to them what happened while containing my tears. They tried to go to her and try to understand wtf went wrong and funfact: nothing went wrong and she was just being a bitch and i later learned she just wanted to move on and discard everything from the past year, including me. But i didn't know that, i thought i broke everything, i thought i broke our group friend, i felt guilty and i felt, alone. My boyfriend that got out of school just before me went to my mom that was there to come pick me up, that i wasnt really well and he went away when i got out. My mom did ask me what was wrong and i told her that i'll explain when we're home. At home i explained everything and broke down in my moms arm, i dont know if i cried out of anger or sadness, but seeing me cry was enough for my mom to hate her with all her guts. I've felt so lonely after that. I had no one to eat lunch with, i had no one to be in group in class with and i had no idea of how to occupy my brain when i had no one to talk to, i read in the morning waiting for the friends i had left, i would draw whenever i had to wait alone and i would eat fast to get out the fastest possible. I also lost everything i was since at that time i was like a sponge of personality and just squeeze out whatever the personality people wanted out of me. I had lost everything and i didn't want to be here anymore, i just wanted to die honestly. And i think i wouldve if i didnt think there was my family and my friends. However, it does not end here ! Bc my dumb ass made so many more mistakes ! Bc one day in our technology class i had to work with her for an assignment and we gradually made up until we became friend again, but i was still wary of her and my s*icidal thoughts were still very present. So i was still very toxic and pushing the people that were there for me away. My boyfriend broke up with me. I didnt know what to do, but looking back this was such a good decision for him and for me. I am so thankful for him to have broke up with me, but at that moment i was a bit hurt but at the same time i saw it coming so i had so time to grief about it. A month later my mom decided to bring me to Mauritius (where she is from) bc she thought i had a hard time no having her around for the first time which is kinda true but not all the truth. I had no wifi and no way of contacting anyone. That was so refreshing ! That's when i started to understand that i had the right to think for myself first and not be a fucking carpet for everyone to walk on. I was not out of the shit but i started to understand how to get out.

9th grade, was my savior. This was the best year of my life with nothing to worry about except an exam at the end. You remember the girl in 6th grade that was a bitch ? Yeah we became close friends during that year bc i realised she was a bitch bc she was badly influenced on in 6th and 5th grade. And the new girl remember her ? That's also the year when we got close, the year where we became best friends, when i learned to be and love myself and the year when i started to stand up for myself. I have some bad daddy issues and i have almost always shared my problems with Fish but i started sharing less toward the end of 8th grade. One day i was complaining that i had to be basically the messenger bird of my parents and she looked at me annoyed and tell me 'why don't you go to the police ?'. Like we didnt ??? Like she thinks that my dad was harassing my mom and we didnt ?? That's basically saying 'don't be' to someone who is sad. And i explained that to her and she was like 'don't complain to me if you're going to flip off like that when im giving you a solution', excuse me bitch... what ? I was hella mad. She came fake apologising like a few weeks later. And one day she came out to me as pansexual, great for her, and i was also questionning my gender and thought i was genderfluid so i came out to her. She was like 'oh ok' and i sent her some memes about genderfluidity and she was like 'stop this is annoying'. So i shut my trap. I also learned that during a school i didnt went she faked some anxiety and was being a bitch bc her friend wouldnt come to a shop with her even so another one was ok with going with her. I eventually started to understand that she was bad for my mental health, so i just started ghosting her bc i just didnt want to talk with her anymore and i didnt know how to confront her. She came up and grabbed and pulled me by my backpack that was full of shit just to ask me why i didnt answer to one of her text. I was so scared i just told her i wasnt feeling well and just told her i needed time. The year went by it was great and i didnt want to be in cold with Fish but i also didnt want to be her friend, i wanted to just be classmates, however when she was told this she understood : 'they want to be friend again'. So she clung with us next year.

10th grade, was last year and was full of drama. And we only had 6 months of school. 10th grade is the first year of highschool and the only year where we don't have an exam. I also had a forced new friend that we're going to call Taz so we don't get mixed up. She was also very clingy and it felt like having a leech stuck to me. And Fish was being very, let's say embarrassing and making us feel uncomfortable. She would make ton of sexual joke and we told her it was making us uncomfortable but she would apologise just to do it again the week later so we just gave up. She also outed me in class, thankfully the class was really noisy and only my bestfriend heard it but this fucking bitch just asked outta nowhere 'so you're still on this whole thing about being genderfluid or what ?' And she wasnt talking low, she was talking loud and clear. I felt so embarras and i hoped that no one else heard it. I answered as very quietly 'no.. i think im genderqueer now' and she just said ok. That's also around when i discovered im bi so i was so glad that i didnt tell her about that. And a few months later there was some shit going around about bullying and Fish was one of the targets. And let's say that our english teacher held up a trial so i opened up my big ass mouth to talk and defend Fish. And guess what, Taz just blurted out that i and my best friend were bullying her. Excuse me ? I defended her ass and when i talked to her about it she told me 'no you didnt, you just yelled at me once in physics'. So bc i yelled at her bc she wouldnt listen to me when we had to work i bullied her ? What a thank ! And when i tried to talk it out with Taz, she fucking ignored me and left. I was enraged. I was crying out of fucking rage and still aced a test in english. At the end i explained everything to my crush while i was walking home with her bc she lived next to my moms restaurant. When i stepped into the restaurant, there was my moms friend, which im kinda close to, and my mom who asked me how was my day i cried out of anger. They comforted me and supported me. At school, one day the assistant director called me and my best friend in his office. And told us that in highschool there are no bullying only misunderstandings (i dont really agree with that but anyway) and asked us our side of the story. We explained that we didnt get along with her anymore and made it very clear that we were uncomfortable with her but she wouldnt take a hint. And we left the office just like that. The assistant director probably told Fish our side and she never went to talk with us bc of covid.

Now, im in 11th grade, we do not talk anymore and this feel so much better. Now i'll just drop some bonus drama

She accused me of drowning her when it was her ex-boyfriend that did and made her scared of water, while i was there to support her when she was dealing with her phobia.

And her mom thought that i was a bad influence for her sweet sweet daughter when she was the one to incite me to c*t myself like paper, wow ok.

This is just a personal share and just maybe a way for others to recognise the toxic behaviors of fake friends.

[smallest-clown]

Who am I to you?

It started with a kiss. That’s all it took. All it took to have Eddie silencing his sobs with his pillow that night. Then that kiss turned into Richie skipping lunch with the losers every couple of days to go make out with his side piece in the janitor’s closet. That made Eddie not come to lunch either. Then those little moments away from the group turned into Richie skipping out on his and Eddie’s plans to go hang out with his girlfriend, which in turn made Eddie stop hanging out with the Losers all together.

He didn’t want to be anywhere near Richie or anything associated with him.

Richie meant everything to Eddie. He would hide it behind all the jokes and fights and insults, but he loved Richie so much. Ever since 6th grade, Eddie had wanted to be more to Richie than just his friend, but the comments Richie made about gay people made Eddie hide his feelings a lot. Everything about Richie made Eddie’s heart flutter. He just wanted to be his, and be able to look at Richie and think “he’s mine”

The only time Richie and Eddie saw each other after that was English class. But instead of having desks pressed together, passing notes, loud laughs and unfinished work, Richie and Eddie were on opposite sides of the classroom. Richie with his girlfriend, and Eddie on his own. Eddie’s work was done much quicker, much better as well. The teacher was happy that he didn’t have Richie weighing him down.

Eddie wasn’t. Nobody had seen him smile in weeks. Occasionally, the other Losers would individually spend some time with him. He always seemed closed off, his demeanour no longer overactive and extreme. It was obvious he was depressed.

Richie wasn’t doing so well either. Sure, he was happy with his girlfriend, Lucy, but he was still upset. Eddie wasn’t talking to him, and all the other Losers were barely giving him the time of day. He almost wanted to break up with her so that things could go back to the ways they were. But that’s insane. He loves her.

He loves her. Eddie thought as he watched the two cuddle up to each other in class. He just lay his head down on his desk. He had finished all the work leading up until next Monday. He just let himself melt into the wooden table.

Richie watched from across the class. Eddie would usually be freaking out about how disgusting the tables were. He would barely touch them, to the point where certain teachers would keep spray bleach bottles in their classes to let him clean the desk before sitting in it. But here he was, face pressed fully into it. That made Richie nervous. God, something must be wrong. This wasn’t like Eddie at all.

The teacher started handing out graded works. Some sort of creative writing type of thing. She handed Lucy’s hers, and then Richie’s his. A large 98% of the top. Richie’s eyes almost popped out of his head. This was impossible! He had written some bullshit about coyotes roaming through the desert and starting fights. Even though he was a straight-A student, English was kicking his ass this year for some reason. It didn’t really matter though, he’d already gotten accepted into his dream college, so a few bad English grades wouldn’t do that much damage. And besides, the school year was ending in a week. Graduation had already passed and most of the exams were done. But there’s no way in hell he got this high of a grade for what he wrote. He checked the name on the top.

E. Kaspbrak

The teacher had given him Eddies and his. He checked his own quickly. 57%. Yup, that made more sense. But now he was curious. Eddie used to always show him his work beforehand. Used to always ask for his opinion. He glanced over to see Eddie asleep on his desk. Guess what the kid doesn’t know won’t hurt him? Richie began reading.

‘Who am I to you? What place do I take in your mind? What do you see me as? Am I your friend? Your foe? Someone just for you to talk to? Was I used to fill in an empty space? Do you really need me, or are you just using me for my kindness? I’ve had people like that in my life before. I was used by those people because I was submissive to them. They just used me because I let them. I never fought them on it. I let them use me for whatever they wanted. I let them treat me like shit just because I was afraid of being all alone. In my head, being alone was worse than being abused and made fun of. I would rather be called horrible names, be embarrassed about myself, hate every single thing about myself than be left alone to my own devices. I now have to pay for that. I have to pay for my actions. I can’t look at myself in the mirror without hearing the names they would call me. Fag, dumbass, useless, a waste of space. I had heard about abusive relationships before, but I thought that I couldn’t possibly be in one. Am I like that to you? Just a punching bag for your words or a punchline at the ends of your jokes? Do I even matter to you? Am I worth your time? My mind made up these situations where you admit to me how much you hate me and how you find me worthless, and I started believing them. I let my mind create multiple situations where you leave me and let me be, and that’s what I’m afraid of. I’m afraid of you leaving me. And right now, I think you just did’

Richie’s heart shattered like a mirror getting hit with a baseball. Eddie, his Eddie, was feeling this way. His Eddie didn’t feel wanted. Richie kept himself from crying. He made a mental note to talk to Eddie after school about all this. “Babe? Is everything alright?” Lucy asked from beside him. “Yeah babe, everything alright.”

The rest of the school day felt like it was going on forever for Richie. It was only two classes but it felt like every second passing by was actually a minute. But when the last bell rang, he sprinted out of class to his locker. It wouldn’t be hard to find Eddie, he takes the same route to walk himself back home every day. He hasn’t changed it since they started going to this school. That’s something that Richie liked about Eddie. His consistency. He needed that in his life. His mind would bounce from subject to subject so quickly that nothing was ever exactly the same to him. He could never do something twice exactly the same. But Eddie, Eddie could continuously do everything exactly the same all the time. He needed those patterns to exist. Richie envied that.

“If you were in such a rush to see me, I could’ve met you at your class silly.” A voice said as Richie frantically packed up his bag. “Oh, Lucy, Hi. Listen I’m going to have to cancel our plans for tonight. I really need to see a family friend.” Richie watched as confusion and then hurt painted this poor’s girl’s face. “Oh, alright. I’ll see you later I guess.” She mumbled as she walked away. Richie felt bad. Every time he tried to cancel plans with her, she’d take it as a personal hit. That’s why he had been blowing Eddie off, cause he knew that Eddie would understand better than Lucy.

Girls were complicated. They didn’t always settle like guys did. Most of the guys Richie knew would take whatever answer they were given and settle with it, but girls would argue and try to get their point across. Girls needed to be right. Guys liked to be right. Richie really did believe this.

Richie ran as fast as possible from his locker, out the front door, past the parking lot, just in time to catch Eddie leave the school property. “Fuck!” Richie sighed out when he finally stopped running. Eddie barely noticed who was behind him, thinking it was the younger students that had taken a liking to him and would walk home with him every few days. “Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” Eddie asked, still not turning around. “No, but I kiss yours, and she seems to enjoy it.” Eddie froze and his heart dropped so fast it practically hit his feet. Richie. It was Richie. “H-hi trashmouth.”

Eddie had no plan, no idea what he should do. God, why did Richie have to be like this? He was so socially unaware of everything happening around him, he never seemed to take how others were feeling into consideration. Eddie wished he could be more like Richie, not caring what others think, not needing their approval. He wished he could just blow through life saying and doing whatever he wanted and not having to take any guff from people. He wished he was brave enough to just be himself.

“So, Eddie Spaghetti, y’know in English class today? When Mrs. Cass handed out our work?” Eddie didn’t remember. What work? He shook his head, indicating to Richie that he hadn’t been aware of this. “Oh right, you were asleep. Well, you see, Mrs. Cass was handing out our corrected creative writing work, and I guess her brain was still used to us sitting next to each other cause she gave me your work too.” If Eddie’s heart was at his feet, his stomach had joined it. He had written that very quickly one night when he was upset and just handed it in without giving a second thought. He wasn’t usually the one to make a vent work, but he had done it this time. He didn’t think anyone besides his teacher would read it. But knowing that Richie read it made him afraid. Those were his private feelings, a secret message he had made for the boy, and he had read it like it was nothing. “W-why would you do that?” He hissed. Richie was taken aback. He hadn’t seen any malice with what he had done. He was concerned for his friends well being, why was he acting so offended “Do you still have it, Richie?” He snapped afterwards. “Uh, yeah, here it is.” Richie said confusingly, handing the smaller boy his paper. Eddie grabbed it as fast as possible and started walking away. “Wait! Where are you going?” “Home.” Eddie had quickened his pace. It was obvious he was trying to get out of there as fast as possible. “I thought maybe we could hang out to make up for the times I couldn’t.” Richie said, jogging to catch up with the smaller boy. But he had stopped abruptly hearing that. Eddie was filled with rage, and it was evident with his body language. “Make up for the times you couldn’t? No Richie. You’d be making up for the times you blew me off just so you could spend time with Lucy! You didn’t ask me beforehand, you never gave me a heads up that you weren’t coming! That was a real dick move Rich.” Richie didn’t know how to react. He really thought Eddie would’ve understood. “I-I just thought-” “Did you think I wouldn’t care? You think I would’ve just been like ‘Welp, better luck next time.’ You know me by now Richie.” Eddie continued walking home. “Eddie I’m sorry but we really need to talk. Eds, slow down! Eddie, you scared me!” He shouted. Eddie turned around to face him. “Your writing, it scared me so much. I-I didn’t know you w-were feeling like that. I was scared that you were going to do something bad Eds. Please, just let me hang out with you tonight. let me know you’re ok. I’m sorry.”

Eddie took a deep breath. Everything was too much right now. He was just moments from crying. “I’m fine Richie, really. Just….just go hang out with your girlfriend.” Eddie turned himself back around, dead set on leaving for home for real now.

Richie was struck with a realization. This wasn’t about the reading of the paper. This was about something else. Richie could tell by the way Eddie had said girlfriend

“Wait, are you mad at me for having a girlfriend?” The question hit Eddie right in the chest, making him lose his breath. “N-no.” Richie could tell he was lying. “You are. You’re jealous of her. Listen Eds, I’m not your property. I can hang out with who I want. I can date who I want. I don’t belong to you. I’m sorry for blowing you off but I thought you’d understand cause you're my friend.” Eddie’s lips trembled with the feeling of holding back tears. He still had his back to Richie. “I cancelled plans with her tonight cause I’m concerned for you! God, you’re such a whiny bitch.”

That’s all it took. Those words said usually teasingly, now said to hurt him. Those words were all it took to break Eddie’s heart. And all it took for Eddie to try to break Richie’s nose.

For the first time in his life, Edward Kaspbrak threw a punch. He turned around without thinking and punched Richie square in the face. He could hear himself screaming shut up while he did it, but the aftermath was a gut-wrenching silence. Richie held his breath as he saw the blood on his fingers. It was coming from his nose. He was hurt and concerned for himself, but he couldn’t help but chuckle.

“You finally did it Eds. You finally stood up to me.”

Eddie couldn’t stop himself from crying as he apologized profusely. “Hey, don’t be sorry. You’ve got a good punch. Bill teach you how to do that?” He chuckled, spitting out the blood that had leaked into his mouth. He knew he pushed Eddie too far. It was evident. “Beep fucking beep Richie.” Eddie hissed as he pulled tissues out of his backpack. “I’m sorry. That wasn’t very kind of me. You wouldn’t think like that bud.” Eddie wasn’t used to Richie being so calm. It was as if the punch had rebooted him. “Richie, you’re in shock.” “Of course I’m shocked, you just punched me Eds.” “No! That’s not what- nevermind. We need to get you cleaned up.” Eddie continued to clean up the bloody nose. They were lucky almost none got on Richie’s clothes. They even took a quick jog to the pharmacy to get some water to clean it up, asking the obviously coke buzzed pharmacist if Eddie had succeeded at breaking Richie’s nose. He said no, but some bruising would definitely appear. Richie smacked Eddie’s back in pride, saying something along the lines of ‘Eddie spaghetti finally grew some balls huh?’ But Eddie felt nothing like that.

Eddie felt sick to his stomach. He knew that Richie was right, that’s why he reacted the way he did. He didn’t want anyone, especially Richie, knowing how he felt about him. So he needed to shut him up. His heart was so heavy with guilt. Richie was praising him for his reaction, but Eddie this wasn’t something you’d praised someone for. He was hiding his secret behind the pain Richie was in.

Eddie let Richie stay the night out of pity. His mom was quite surprised to see the boy but didn’t question it. She had learned to just let Richie over or else Eddie would just run off to his house. She didn’t question the bruises on Richie’s face, mumbling something about his father under her breath. Eddie was so nervous and stressed about having the boy in his house, he didn’t notice Richie intensely looking at his arms when he took his coat off, sighing in relief when he saw nothing there besides unmarked skin.

The boys ran up to Eddie’s room. Richie immediately threw himself onto Eddie’s bed, a lopsided grin on his face as he waited for Eddie to join him in the bed to cuddle like they usually did. But he didn’t. He stood in the doorway with his arms crossed over his stomach as he stared at the ground. “Richie...I know you said you didn’t care and that your proud of me for punching you….but, did I hurt you?” Richie looked like he was contemplating his answer. His throat flexed and then relaxed, indicating he gulped his saliva. “Well, you obviously hurt me, but like you didn’t cause any emotional pain I guess?” “Yeah, I get that. But like, if anyone else would’ve done that, any of the other losers, you would’ve beat them up so hard and not talked to them for days. Why are you treating me differently?”

Another gulp. There were things that Richie was hiding, parts of himself he was afraid of letting anyone else know. He felt his incisors bite down on the tip of his tongue to control himself. Every ounce in his body was screaming at him to just say it. Every muscle pulling him into Eddie’s arms, his heart racing in his chest, his lungs breathing in quicker and quicker. Three words, that’s all it was. It would only take three little words and he’d know. That there was a reason he didn’t go out with a girl until now. There was a reason he’d been so close to Eddie for such a long time. There was a reason that at night he had to convince himself that he loved Lucy and that he wanted to stay with her. A taunting voice at the back of his head told him to say it, to just get it over with. But for once in his short life, Richie thought before he spoke.

“It’s cause I’m nervous for you.” Eddie was confused and it evidently showed on his face, because Richie continued. “That thing you wrote. It wasn’t just a thing for the English class. I know you Eds, you always write from the heart. And I’ve never seen you write anything like this before. I didn’t want to leave you alone tonight….in case bad things happened.”

Eddie sucked in a breath. That fucking paragraph “Things between us have been weird recently since Lucy came into my life, and I’m sorry that I haven’t been paying enough attention to you….I-I’ve noticed that you haven’t been as happy as you usually are and I feel responsible for some reason. I just don’t want you to do anything dumb.” Eddie was quiet, still barely standing in his room. Richie was now sitting up in the bed. Neither of them were looking at each other. It wasn’t long before Richie heard Eddie take in stuttered breaths. “you were right.” He said in such a quiet voice Richie thought he imagined it. “You were right Rich, I’m mad that you have a girlfriend. I feel like you’ve left me.” Richie looked up at him. His nose and cheeks were blushed and his eyes were watering a lot. Richie stood up quickly to hug and comfort him. “Hey hey hey, it’s alright. I’m not leaving you. We’re still friends after all.” “No Richie, you don’t fucking get it.” Eddie said as he pushed him away. Richie just stood there in shock. “It feels like I’ve lost my chance. I know you love her and I’m happy for you, I just wished that were me. I just wished that I was more to you than your friend. I want to kiss you and call you mine. I want to share a bed with you and be able to hold you without it feeling weird. Ever since middle school friends I’ve been teetering between better of as lovers or better off without each other, and when I lost you I knew that the later wasn’t what I needed. “you’re everything to me. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t think of you, where I don’t crave your dumb jokes and general dumbassery. Seeing you with her has torn a hole through my heart and I was scared that if I didn’t tell you how I feel soon, it was just going to grow into a crater that could never be filled. I know you most likely don’t feel the same, and I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry for telling you, but you needed to know. I’m sorry that I’m too late.”

It was as if a flood gate of emotions had been opened and Eddie couldn’t keep anything in. He needed to say these things. He meant every word of the emotional rant and just stood there in the puddle of his regret, tears leaving his eyes as if he was a cloud and his shirt was the world, raining down and creating a wet patch.

Both boys just stood there frozen looking at each other after Eddie had said his little speech. Richie was crying. Staring directly at Eddie. He didn’t say anything as he picked up his backpack and left the house altogether.

Eddie broke down, throwing himself into his bed and crying into his pillow. He knew it was a bad idea. He was such an idiot. He’s lost Richie for good now, it was clear to him. Nothing mattered. His mind drifted to the box under his mom’s bed that she kept in case someone ever tried to hurt them, but pulled himself away from that quickly. What the fuck was he thinking? His crush didn’t like him and he might’ve just lost his best friend, but that’s not a reason to kill himself. He needed to talk to someone about this, and quick. He grabbed the phone next to his bed and dialled a familiar number. “Stanely Uris speak-” “Stan! I told him!” Silence from the other end of the line. Eddie could hear Stan closing a door and then returning to his bed. “How did he react?” “Left my house immediately.” There was a sigh from the other end of the line. Stanley could hear the hurt in Eddie’s voice. A slight tremble that wasn’t there usually. “Richard Tozier, you dumbass.” He mumbled to himself as he grabbed his bag. No use talking over the phone, Eddie needed to be comforted in person. “Eddie, I’m sorry that I’m hanging up now, but I’m on my way over.” “Alright, Stan.” They hung up their phones and Stan made his way over, making a slight detour towards the man of the hour’s house.

Eddie had told Stanley by accident in 9th grade. Eddie had a knack for sleep talking occasionally, only when he took medications that sedate you. That night in particular he had a slight scratch in his throat so his mother had begged him to take a dose of some cough medicine. When he had fallen asleep, he was quite verbal during his dream in which he and Richie seemed to be doing….things. Stan had stayed awake laying on the floor next to Eddie, debating keeping this to himself or mentioning it to Eddie the next day. In the morning, while the two were making breakfast for themselves since Mrs. K had run out to do her daily errands, Stan asked him what his dream was since the nightly noises seemed to indicate he was having a ‘fun time’. Eddie lost his breath hearing Stan say that. He had tried to stutter out an excuse but Stan silenced him with a hug, comforting him and saying that he was fine with him being gay, telling him he’s proud of him. Eddie broke down in Stan’s arms, crying and clinging onto him for dear life. Stan cried a bit too, admitting his crush on Bill. The boys spend the rest of the morning talking about their fears.

Stan slammed his fist against Richie’s front door, hearing some yells behind it. Went opened the door and stared down at the unimpressed looking teenager. “I need to borrow your son.” “RICHIE!!!! ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS HERE!!!” He yelled before walking back into the living room. Richie sulked his way down the stairs to the entrance. “Look, Eddie, I’m not in the mood to talk- oh hey Stan the man, what’s up?” Richie said, trying to hide his awkward hurt mood with the usual nickname. Stan almost audibly gasped at the bruise formed on Richie’s face but ignored it. He just grabbed Richie by the ear and started to drag him down the road. “owowowowowowow! Stan what the fuck! ow where are we going?” Stan didn’t say anything as he dragged the boy towards the house he had been at less than an hour earlier.

Richie was finally able to free himself when they were only a few houses away. “Stan! I can’t go back in there...He must hate me.” He grabbed his temples, frustrated with his past actions. He wasn’t ready for Eddie to tell him. Well, he wasn’t ready to tell Eddie he felt the same way. He had known for a while that he wasn’t straight, but had denied himself from accepting that. He refused to think of himself as gay. He loved Eddie, he wanted Eddie the way he wanted him. But he had ruined things. Eddie probably hated him. He looked up to see Stan giving him the most ‘I’m about to smack you so hard you’re great-grandchildren will feel it so don’t try me.’ look.

“Oh, he must hate you? After you walked out after he confessed his love for you after hiding this secret since 6th grade? Oh no, I’m sure you’re fine.” He said in a sarcastic tone as he knocked on Eddie’s door. He knew these dumbasses weren’t going to fix things on their own so he had to give them that push to solve their problems. “Stan! There you are…..” Eddie trailed off when he noticed Richie standing next to him.

Stan didn’t let either of them say anything, he just grabbed them by their hands and dragged them upstairs to Eddie’s room, throwing them both in there. “I’m going to stand outside this door and neither of you are allowed to leave until you solve your problems.” He said right before he slammed the door shut.

The two stood there unable to think, barely able to breathe. Where were they supposed to go from there? Neither of them knew what to say. But Richie just went with it. “I’m sorry for leaving….I panicked.” He mumbled, looking over Eddie’s face for any sign of emotion. He just nodded solemnly. “You should be yelling at me.” Eddie just shook his head. He looked like he was going to say something so Richie gave him the room to speak. “You don’t yell at the people you love.” Richie’s heart started beating faster. He still loved him. The statement reminded him of earlier that day, the bruising punch Eddie gave him and his internal refusal to react. He loved Eddie too much to be mad, even if the punch really did hurt, how in the hell does someone his size hit like that? No! Focus trashmouth.

Stan was trying his best to listen along to the conversation through the door. “Stanley Uris? Well isn’t this a shock.” Mrs. Kaspbrak said as she stood at the end of the hallway. Stan sighed under his breath and turned to the large woman with an even larger smile. “Hello Mrs. K! How are you?” He said, needing to keep this woman as far away from the room as possible to keep Eddie and Richie safe. “Well Eddie didn’t tell me you were coming over.” She said as she waddled towards the door. “Uh well yeah. We were studying with Richie but took a quick break. Say, Mrs K, you’ve been to the new pharmacy in town. How is it? How’s the service. Spare no detail.” Eddie was going to owe him a big one later. “Oh god, the place is a disaster! It’ll take me hours to break down the complexity of how horrendous it is.” “I’ve got all the time in the world. Let’s go to the living room to chat!”

Richie and Eddie were sat in silence again, the two still trying to find words. Richie had sat himself down on Eddie’s bed, the asthmatic joining him. They’d been there for a few minutes. “I-I I’m sorry I made things weird.” Eds said, not looking up from his lap. Richie gave him a sideways glance. “You don’t have to apologize. You told me stuff that was bothering you. You’re allowed to do that.” More silence. Richie’s brain was trying to focus but, as usual, his brain was jumping between twenty thoughts at once. ‘God Eddie is so cute, I like him so much, I want to kiss him so badly, I need to break up with Lucy, but it’ll crush her, but this is hurting Eddie so much.’ He was sure of what he needed to do. Lucy would understand. She’d be upset, sure, but it was wrong keeping a relationship he didn’t care that much about going. He turned towards Eddie, gently placing his hand on top of his. “Hey, Eds?” “Hmm?” Richie took a deep breath, wiping his sweaty hands on his dirt and grass-stained ripped jeans. He could do this. “I...um...alright. I like you too.” Eddie had to stop himself from grabbing the inhaler in his pocket cause holy fuck oh my god Richie fucking Tozier said he liked him too. His heart was racing a million miles a minute. Richie took another breath and continued. “Remember all those things you said earlier? I feel all those things too. I-I want to be to you what you want to be to me. Does that make sense?” Eddie nodded, a wide smile growing on his face as happy tears fell down his face. “I want to be your boyfriend. Not just your friend. I want to call you mine. I know I won’t be the perfect boyfriend, but I will do my best for you Eds...I-I love you. I love you so fucking much.” He said, starting to cry as well. Both of them just sat there looking at each other, smiling and crying. This was it. The moment the two of them had been hoping for years. It was finally happening. “I love you too.” Eddie whispered, his voice trailing off a bit as he said the last word, muffled by his crying. Eddie gently placed his hands on Richie’s cheeks, wiping away some of the stray tears that fell. He slapped the right one quickly. “That’s for leaving.” He mumbled, moving closer to Richie. He wrapped his arms around Richie’s neck, pulling his face closer. He gently placed his mouth on his. The kiss was soft, sweet and perfect. Emotions and feelings poured into every movement both boys made. This was the tender moment the two had craved for years. When they finally pulled away, they had the biggest smiles on their faces. “And that’s for coming back.” Eddie said teasingly. Richie pulled Eddie by his shoulders into another kiss, laying down and dragging Eddie onto him. They continued to fool around until Eddie pulled away. “I feel like we’re forgetting something” the two took a moment until realization dawned on them. “STAN!”

note: I’m lowkey proud of this. it’s my longest one shot to date. It’s also kinda a vent fic I guess?

[rin-recovery]

1 year clean and sober Chair (7/7/21)

I’m Katherine A grateful dual diagnosed Alcoholic. (Pause)

What it was like: I was born into a quiet dysfunctional family. I was placed in foster care when I was 2ish because of this. When we (my older sister and I) were placed back with our mom we moved across the U.S. from Massachusetts to Vancouver Washington because we had family here and I had what I thought was a normal up bringing, on the outside it looked like a normal low-income family, but my mom was very much present and involved in my education unlike most of the other kid’s parents who I hung out with. However, behind closed doors my family was falling apart. My grandpa who I looked at like a father was an alcoholic, would always have a beer in hand while driving to pick us up from school, my dad did not enter my life until after I was 6 or 7 years old and what I thought was normal discipline was not, long story short my childhood left my brain literally broken. As young as 5th grade I wanted to die and could not explain why that was always a thought. The school and one of my friends thought it was because my great grandpa who I was very close with had died that year, but I knew it was not the only reason. Starting at a young age my parents attempted to try and help us make good choices around alcohol. My parents train of thought was if they allowed drinking in the house, we would not go behind their backs and party, and for the most part it worked. So, I started drinking small amounts of alcohol around the age of 8. In middle school I started hanging around the wrong crowd and by high school I was a mess. My drinking progressed from small amounts to large very quickly during that time. My mental health was so bad that I missed a month of school in 10thgrade due to a suicide attempt. I was self-harming, drinking, running away and overdosing on Benadryl and over the counter sleep aid regularly that my mom finally told one of my teachers after he called about me crying and walking out of my 11th grade English class that if I was going to kill myself nothing anyone did for me was going to stop me. 12th grade I barely was able to graduate due to the amount of school I was skipping and if it were not for my English teacher staying after school to help me with my math, I would not have graduated at all. When my best friend died in an ATV accident the summer after we graduated, I lost the will to live and again ended up in the hospital for a week over a suicide attempt and had to drop out of college because I could not get the work done, I lost 2 scholarship because of it and would eventually lose financial aid due to 2 more dropouts due to my mental health. At the age of 20 I got married to someone I thought loved me for me, but I found out in a short period of time how wrong I was about him; however, it was too late to walk away, and no one intervened due to him looking and acting mentally sound and me being bat shit crazy on the outside but behind closed doors it was a different story. My drinking and wanting to die only grew worse because I was hating my life and could never do anything right by my then husband. The only time I was mostly sober was when I was pregnant, but I was still regularly self-harming during that time. I was a closet alcoholic and tried to control it around my 2 boys who I try to keep living for as well. 7 years of marriage full of domestic violence and a lot of other not so great things ended with him walking out the door 3 days after Christmas of 2017 with the threat that if I tried to get a divorce, he would make my life a living hell by taking the boys away and never letting me see them again. My drinking, self-harming and overdosing went off the chart because of the fear of my ex and I was going to the hospital or my current boyfriend was having to come out and find me at bus stops or walking around trying to either get picked up by random people or get to the I5 bridge to jump off of (this all happened after my kids were in bed and asleep and my mom was home) all while trying to get and hold down a job while also trying to take care of my 2 special needs boys during the day time. About 2

years ago I was diagnosed with D.I.D. (Dissociative identity disorder) so literally my brain is broken into about 46 known pieces as of right now. Life started making more sense however it fixed nothing. It only explained why I have little to no memory of growing up or anything that was or is overly stressful. My boyfriend was having his own problems with bad med management, so I helped him while pretending/not caring about my own drinking and using. He got better as I kept getting worse. I finally got a job doing peer support which I had been wanting to do for 4 years and was certified to do and started working in a treatment center. Long story short I started to feel like a fraud at work every day. I was telling the ladies how to better their lives and I was losing it every time I was not at work. So, after talking with my counselor, he referred me to a SUD program, and I went. I told my SUD counselor flat out that I would not go to any groups because of the work that I did, I just wanted vivitrol to control the urges that at this point were out of control. No A.A. for me because I did not want to run into people who might know me from work. Well, that did not work out so well. I relapsed July 5th. My SUD counselor told me to go to A.A. so I did. I found the only in person meeting at the time, which was here, and I made an effort to get to as many meetings as time would allow. I let fear stop me from asking anyone to be my sponsor (1 because there were not many women at the meetings I was going to because RBR had just reopened their noon meetings due to the shutdown and 2 I feared that my mental health was too bad for anyone to handle) I was sober because I held onto the message NO MATTER FUCKING WHAT WE DON’T DRINK or USE! My job changed from the treatment center to the crisis center and just being sober was taking a toll. The fighting between my boyfriend and I was at an all-time high and I was slowly getting to the point that either I needed to be dead or I would drink again so on Aug. 17th after a week filled with 2 suicide attempts and my first week working graveyard at the crisis center I went to the 7pm meeting, filled my heart with all the hope it could hold, went home and told my kids that I loved them, tucked them into bed, packed a bag and had my boyfriend take me to the psych hospital. On the drive I text a few women in this room to say where I was going and that when I got out, I would get a sponsor because every message I heard said get a sponsor and work the steps to get better and I really wanted to get better. A week later I got out of the hospital no longer wanting to die or drink. I prayed really hard to a Man that I struggled to talk to or believe in to point out a woman who could handle ALL of me, already kind of knowing the woman He had picked out because she had taken me to her church once and had called me out at a meeting for not having a sponsor yet. So, on Sep. 9th after 62 days clean and sober and 39 meetings I asked Danira to be our sponsor and she said yes. Well first I texted her on the 8th and asked because I had no idea how it worked and Danira also intimidated us, we talked on the 9th and then she said yes. I would love to tell you all that my life got better however that would be a lie. With 46 known alter/personalities and a large majority not wanting recovery this process has been really difficult but also very rewarding. From September to the end of October I was making progress in leaps and bounds but then we got covid and everything stopped in November. I could not get my vivitrol shot and I could not go to an in-person meeting. My brain stopped working, it reverted to survival. I held onto NO MATTER WHAT to try to make day to day work for us to not relapse. We stopped picking up the phone and started staying up late hours not moving so we did not do something stupid. We still were able to do our gratitude daily and were grateful for waking up without a relapse each and every day. I do not remember much from November to January besides, we kept saying WE DON’T DRINK OR USE NO

MATTER WHAT. We finally were able to get back to the meetings regularly and while no we do not talk a lot due to our brain not being able to hold coherent thoughts most of the time, we are still in the meeting. Standing to get our 6th and 9th month coins was one of the happiest moments in our life. Working the steps have been hard but we keep pushing through. Danira has not given up on us yet and we try to push ourselves to make her, my kids and boyfriend proud.

NO MATTER WHAT looks like when my youngest is losing it by screaming in our face or hurting me physically we do not get the damn bottle because it will not fix anything (despite what some think in our head). My kids have already been through so much of me being selfish with my drinking and rampage problems. They need their mom to get out of self and learn to be a better parent for them. NO MATTER WHAT looks like when I cannot sleep, or I am suffering from high physical pain I don’t get weed or pills to numb it all because it is a short fix that will make all the hard work, we put in all for nothing. We do not have another relapse or recovery in us, if we went out, we would never come back and that is not an option just ask Danira, I tried once it ended with her at my front door with backup. NO MATTER WHAT looks like when two of my sponsee sisters and sponsor shows up at my house after a night of crisis that I follow my sponsor’s directions to go back to the hospital to stay safe and come back to my baseline even when I do not want to because she will not gamble with our lives or my boys’ lives. Side note: because of God leading me to Danira and Danira never giving up on us and because I was able to mostly follow her direction to go back into the psych hospital again, not that I was given much of a choice in the matter, we now have a counselor that knows what they are talking about and is able to help us move forward in our recovery in both the mental and addiction aspects. NO MATTER WHAT is a statement I only knew in a bad way. I would say NO MATTER WHAT I was going to be dead by the time I was 16, 18, 20, 25,30 years old now I say NO MATTER WHAT we are going to keep going and keep fighting this fight because I have 2 little boys that need me. NO MATTER WHAT my ex does to me NO MATTER WHAT anyone does to me we do not need to drink or use to fix it despite what the others might think in the head.

So, to the newcomer I want to leave you with this message NO MATTER WHAT it takes it is a one day, one moment at a time program and it is spiritual progress not perfection, it is a “we” program not an “I” program and these men and women will stand with you to fight this disease as long as you let them in.

WE DON’T DRINK OR USE NO MATTER FUCKING WHAT!!

Thank you.

[mcnsieur]

ooc: this has nothing to do with anything but it has been on my mind alot recently.

I grew up struggling with math. I cried learning long division because I didn’t understand how the numbers changed like they did. I didn’t understand why their was subtraction and multiplication in a division problem. My mom walked me through it the best she could. I struggled learning my times tables, I couldn’t ever remember what 8 x 6 was or what 12 x 7 was. When it came to timed multiplication tests I never got past the fours. Yet I had to be forced to move forward in math. No coddling for math because when you don’t understand it you get more problems to work, especially if your parents can’t afford a tutor.

I was in fourth grade when all that happened. Then we had a test where we had to tell time on analogue clocks (something i still cannot do til this day). I could not add or subtract time without being able to move the hands on the clock and even then I would count wrong I would get it wrong. We had a test, and if it weren’t for my fourth grade teacher catching on that perhaps it was more than just be complaining about math she allowed me to use a clock.

We had accelerated math, in fourth grade too. And I never got passed the first unit while my friends soured and succeeded. I thought I was just stupid. I mean I didn’t understand math, and when I complained that was it, it was me not trying hard enough. My fourth grade teacher would spend our study time, because my parents couldn’t afford a tutor, walking me through my math corrections instead of helping all her other students.

Math only got harder, their aren’t individualized levels in math, everyone is the same when you learn the basics. If you learn slower you don’t get put on a different level than others. If you’re really smart you get moved to a better class.

I wasn’t ever moved to the smart kids class. 6th grade came and it took me three months longer to get my calculator licensee than the rest of my grade. That license essentially showed our teacher that we didn’t need the calculator to do basic things like addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. My teacher though was smart, she let my use my calculator after I got my liscence but encouraged me to get the basic functions down better. When it came down to my final, I forgot my calculator at home, and my mom wasn’t going to bring it to me. I knew I was going to fail. My teacher said I could do the test with out a calculator and while I would do better with one, she knew I would do it,

I still didn’t have a tutor, and my math grades remained low, while I consistently tested at college level for my reading level. i had read Little Women, and all of the LOTR books by the time i was in fifth grade, but I was still using my fingers to add and subtract. My teachers aside for my sixth grade teacher, and 4th grade teacher all just said I wasn’t trying enough in math. I felt so stupid. I didn’t understand how kids got extra time on reading tests and english tests, I didn’t know they had dyslexia, but I didn’t understand why they got extra time, when I was sitting their watching as numbers put into table swimmed around, and I would then copy them down wrong not realizing until I saw my grade on my test. One sign difference in math can change everything after all.

High school came and I was consistently not understanding Algebra. Geometry was better, putting these crazy numbers on shapes helped. Then came algebra two and we got to logs and other things and it all got murky again. I had gotten into the habit of not understanding where when I didn’t understand a word problem my answer on the test was i don’t know. I just couldn’t understand how all those words had numbers and equations in them. It didn’t make sense.

My senior year of high school I was in trig/pre-cal. I cried more than I had as I begged my parents to pay for me to get a tutor, my teacher from the year before. I begged for a solid month, and when they saw that I had gotten my first D they gave in. I didn’t understand trig pre-cal the way my teacher taught it. He talked and it all went over my head, So I finally went to my tutor.

In my one hour with her we would go over the week’s lessons and homework. I went into the next class after my first tutoring session finally understanding math, even if it was just a little bit. She did each step in a different color on sheets of paper, and it made sense. I was seeing things in these numbers that before were just numbers that didn’t seem to do anything they didn’t make sense to me. I understood math and for once I was smart, I wasn’t the stupid kid. I could tell my friends who were all in advanced math classes that I understood what was going on in class, and they looked at me at first shocked but then happy.

Because of my tutor who my senior year understood that there was more their than me just saying math was too hard that my brain was not computing it right, I understood math for the first time in my life. I still didn’t understand why it was so hard, or why muscle memory when I danced didn;’t come to me as fast as it did to my dance team mates. But I understood math, and I didn’t feel as stupid anymore.

When I was a junior in college, i had successfully gotten through my two required math courses. They weren’t the best, and I was scolded for accepting a C in algebra. But I was thrilled with that grade because while i was swimming in numbers again, I hadn’t failed. I had gotten a B in the next class I took, and again I was surprised their. But I had my tutor’s notes to help me through some of it. So I was shocked when I walked into a sociology class and we were told we were learning statistics.

I was a sociology major, and I almost dropped the class right then and there. I found myself like I did my first few months of my senior year in high school. My professor would go through all these numbers and tests and he would name the tests and explain what the numbers meant in the tests and where the numbers went and I didn’t understand again. I copied down the formulas but i didn’t know what numbers went where. If it weren’t for my professor giving credit for showing our work I would have failed the course.

The class ended and I promptly forgot what little I learned, because I couldn’t retain any of the garbled numbers. Then my last semester came. I was writing my sociological thesis, and we had to do research and compute the numbers. And I immediately began to panic. I didn’t know how to use the software or what any of my numbers i was plugging in meant I didn’t know what an X factor was or how to find it. I couldn’t even plug the numbers in from my research to the table right. I missed 4 and had to retype the list another three times cause I kept on messing up.

My calculations were fucked cause I didn’t know what I was doing. I had a melt down when we presenting our thesis to our four other class mates and teachers because they were using all these sophisticated equations that I didn’t understand, and I knew I just knew mine were wrong.

My professor talked to me for a long time afterwords and itnroduced a word to me that I had never heard of before. Dyscalculia. She explained it was like dyslexia for math, and that my entire experience mirrored that of a child who had this learning disability. I had never been tested, and by then it was too late, but it made me feel well a bit less stupid. She helped me fix my equations and simplify them.

I did research. I didn’t think it was a real thing, my mom didn’t either. And I wondered if it was a real thing and I had been tested, would my school experience have been different. Would I have answered I don’t know on so many math tests, would I have cried during long division, or felt pressured for time. Would i have made my school’s dance team two years earlier cause I would have learned how to cope with dealing with my slower muscle memory.

I don’t know. I wish I did. And honestly what I want people to get out of this story is that you should listen to kids. When kids struggle with reading we slow down, we assess their reading level. But when kids struggle with math they are told to chug along. When you succeed and math you are rewarded, same with reading. But when you struggle you are told to keep going and the lesson moves on, where reading you are given a new slightly easier book.

Listen when a kid tells you they don’t like math, or they don’t understand it. It might just be more than idle complaints. For me it was my brain not working in the same way as the other kids, I don’t see numbers the same as others, and I felt stupid for years because no one listened but four people when I said I didn’t understand math. It can always be something more.

[theboykingofhell]

can you tell me abt the journey you took to get where you are now in your acting? c:

sure bby!!!!

LOL THIS IS LIKE NOVEL LENGTH LEMME READ MORE THAT SHIT FOR YA

so omg like almost all of my passions i got into in elementary school (like i started writing in 3rd grade, i started rly getting into psychology at the end of 6th) so acting was originally like that… the way my brain works, it’s just natural for me to pursue my passions because i literally can’t conceptualize things i’m not interested in BUT i never considered it like a dream of mine to act professionally. it also never rly came to mind, it was just like… hi yeah i’m a writer and i liked to act!!

so i started rly young in school shows in lil small parts. i was never the lead in something lol never even got close but shit was fun to get involved in. this continued in high school, where i finally started taking some of the drama classes there.

here’s the thing tho… i sucked lol. HERE’S THE OTHER THING THO… it was rly RLY obvious to my teacher that i had a shitload of potential. i grew up HIDEOUSLY shy and withdrawn (80% of this is my dad’s fault lool) so oh man that stage fright was FUUUUUUUUN to try and work through. but my teacher there would confirm what i’d always thought - that i did have a talent, that this was something i was good at, i just had to learn to access what was in me.

i moved on to college then. my first college was a private school and i was technically a liberal arts major because i didnt know how to (and was also too lazy to) take the first steps as to what i rly wanted, but the original plan was acting/creative writing double major… (i eventually changed this to acting and psychology because FUCK english majors)… i didnt rly do much in that first school tho! in fact, i had to drop out because i had a psychotic break lmfao it was a rly RLY low point in my life and i was forced to take a mental leave and i was institutionalized and everything

that’s relavant because… when the leave was over, i was made to go to school again, but i didn’t think i could handle my first school. i hated my first school.. so i went to the community college near me and it CHANGED MY LIFE. the school is actually considered one of the best acting programs you can get around my area if i’m remember right, and even if that’s not still accurate, in my time there, we went to this annual theatre school we go to… they were giving out 20 awards… we, as the only community college there among ONLY private acting schools got FOURTEEN OF THEM BITCHHhhh. the teachers there were brilliant, SO passionate, SO driven, but also SO experienced because they were all professionals who were still actively working in the field!!! they taught us the basics of networking, the discipline and, I LEARNED STAGE COMBAT MY MOST FAVORITE THING but most importantly, how to be safe and open and vulnerable on stage.

two of my favorite moments in learning this was something called the ‘personal monologue’ and something called ‘shakespeare in the dark’.. since this post is getting long enough, if yall wanna know about these, i can talk about that in another post but… they taught me how to be intimate with the audience. and it taught me about the catharsis in acting. shakespeare in the dark in particular was the first time i cried on stage, and even now crying on stage is the ONLY way i can do it without having a horrible reaction to it because of my trauma. acting is super super theraputic for me at this point because i get to access and express emotions that i NEVER let myself do irl because it’s SAFE and ughnfdjgs it’s so good

i stayed in that community college for.. a shitload of time lol i ran out of classes to take cuz i was there for so long. eventually i finally summoned the balls to go to my current school!!!

so i transferred there in the fall, went through a semester of it, and there i met one of the best directors i’ve ever seen and came in contact with a BRILLIANT acting technique that. Holy. Shit. again, if you want me to talk about like… acting technique shit i can do that in another post cuz it’s a lot and it’s also a weird convoluted topic that idk if a lot of people know about outside of theatre (especially out of community theatre cuz i never see it applied there as much hhm). if i learned about vulnerability in the first school, my time here taught me about commitment and immersion. in the first school, i learned to be myself and let myself live through the characters emotional journies. in the second school, i learned to TRANSFORM into the character, completely and totally become them, and work naturally within that and.. most importantly.. to do that in a safe manner.

(again if i talk about techniques i’ll talk about the dangers of some of them but there are a LOT of rly psychologically unhealthy ways you can act which. of course. are some of my favorite ways to lol)

i only spent a semester there tho because…! my school has a partnership with this british school called lamda… which was, oh god, SUCH a brilliant school. so i entered in the program and studied abroad there…! so this is why i was in london from january until like LITERALLY LAST WEEK and holy fuck.

what lamda taught me: ummmm… how to party? mostly kidding lol but again, on one hand it was a beautiful reiteration on what we’ve learned and are always learning, like how to network and the different ways to do that (umm partying with actors is beautiful and important), how to express yourself on stage in same ways… but the things i learned were all about rly technical things that we don’t focus on in america… american acting focuses a lot more on realism, drawing on emotions, YOU AND HOW YOU AFFECT THE WORLD… british acting actually does more with physicality and the space around you an how the environment affects YOU and how YOU push back against it. they’re generally pretty similar, either way stuff like the psychology of the character, the physicality, the environment, they’re things you have to work with no matter WHERE you are, but american acting focuses inward looking out and british acting focuses outward looking in and it’s VERY interesting. so going there gave me more tools to work with and more ways to hone what i have difficulty with (like my vocal work is SHIT because i more or less have a speech impediment i gotta finish working through but that’s improved GREATLY)

i didnt mention all the shows i’ve done in the meantime but i’ve done one ACTUAL PROFESSIONAL SHOW before and by that i mean. i’ve done a bunch of things with my school and stuff no problem and that all counts in my acting resume but i’ve actually performed in nyc off-broadway on a STAGE in the LEAD ROLE and i got paid for it. so that’s when i started considering myself a professional actor. since schools USUALLY put you under a contract to not work during the school semesters, the summer is usually the only time i seek out stuff, so… i’ve done pretty much all the auditions i wanted to do this week and i’m just waiting back to see if i’ll be doing more professional things! i’m still a BABY though there’s a lot i don’t know and there’s a lot i haven’t experienced yet and rest in peace my ass because this year is my last year of training until i go to graduate school and i’m not READY FOR THE REAL WORLD WAAAAAAAAAH

uhhh BUT YEAH i hope that was interesting to read omg thank you for asking me bby ilysm!!!

[cispicious]

JUNE 2, 2011

Hey there. I doubt (people will read this) that journals are supposed to be used for advertising, or propoganda about oneself. I'm guessing it's what normal journals are used for: to document the day to day trials of human life. Yea, but I'm not human. So I guess my definition of a journal shall be, "Trials of a Nephal" If you don't know what a Nephal is, ask God. Oh, and in case you're far too lazy - or just don't care about my looks - to go check my pictures, I can give you a short description right here: * I'm the same height as Taylor Momsen, my favorite celebrity. <3 * [redacted because holy shit this was bad] * I'm Jamacain and Scottish, and my hair is a sort of red-brown-blonde color. * [redacted because holy shit this was bad] So, are you looking for a biography of my life? I'm not sure I want to type that much. I guess I'll summarize it and make it even less of a biography by telling you things about myself:

I was born on January 2nd, 1996 in New York. I moved down to Florida with my family when I was 12, and have been here fro three years. (Can you calculate my age?) I'm bisexual, but I lean more towards girls. I may [redacted because holy shit this was bad]. My life revolves around music and sarcasm. My English 2 Honors teacher wrote in my yearbook to never forget the essence of my spark. Lol, no. My teacher's not Taylor Swift. She actually told me to never lose my sarcasm, and who am I to defy a teacher? .... I like to think that I'm humorous enough to start a YouTube webshow, but even though I have an HD Camcorder, I can never find the willpower to do such things. Maybe because I'm really sensitive and insecure, and I doubt I can take the hate comments....right. Anyway. People think I'm a player because of the rather extensive list of people I've been with. Honestly, I used to be a player. I've only been turned down once in my life, and only God knows why. Because it can't be my dashing good looks or humble personality, right? Oh my, looks like I've hit the irony button again. I'm actually in love right now, and I can't tell you who, just in case you jealous bitches go on a rampage.

Anyway, shall I post about my day? I'm in 7th period - Speech and Debate - right now. My friend Barbara and I are the only girls on this side of the room. It's not like we ever do anything in here. We're too effing smart, so we just keep quiet while the bumbling idiots around us try to keep up with the teacher, and stumble over words like oppression. I just showed her that. She laughed. x) Oh, um, the rest of the class is either playing games or watching The Great Debaters. I saw it in 8th grade. I don't need to see it again. The boy, Junior, isn't exactly eye candy. Finals begin tomorrow. Me and my science project parter don't have to take a Biology final, because we won the science project competition. (We - I - made an action movie about the project, pretending to be spies who had to solve the Problem, or else the White House would blow up.) Let's call her Erica. I'm scared to be alone with her, if we have to go to a different room, because she has a crush on me. And she doesn't even know I'm bisexual. She makes people move so she can sit next to me, touches me innapropriately, and told me that she knows that we're supposed to be soulmates. Save me. So here's my question of the day - supposing I write everyday and that any of you care - : What do you do when you want to make someone stop loving you, but you don't want to stop being their friend or hurt their feelings?

JUNE 3RD 2011

I'm only making this 'cause someone's making me. Let's have a recap of my day, shall we? 6:33 - woke up over an hour late. I didn't shower and merely tussled my hair, and I ate breakfast in the car. Got to school on time, despite what my dad thought. Realized I didn't have my Biology textbook which was due today. Panicked for a second, then decided not to give a shutzpah. In Latin 2, I spent like, ten minutes on my final. I had my AE do it for me, then I went to sleep in the chair on the other side of the room. It smelled funkeh. In Biology, I didn't have to take a final so I went to the Media Center with Jackie, and not Erica. Fank chu, Lawd for making her not come. So I sat down in the back, and Jackie - constant bully that she is - made me sit on the floor so that she could read comfortably on the place where I was lounging. It was cold in there. Um, nothing exciting really happened. My sister is annoying the hellzpah out me and I'm gonna kill her. Question of the day: Why isn't it possible to go back in time yet?

JUNE 6TH 2011

Hello, ladies and gents. So, today is the second day of finals and the beginning of the end. That's right. IT'S THE LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL!!!11!!111!! I took my English 2 Honors and Algebra 2 exams earlier today (actually I just finished my Algebra) and I have to say I was dissapointed by the lack of imagination by my teachers. I mean, these tests were a bit too easy- not that anything's wrong with that. But you ever get that feeling that once you believe something to be incredibly easy, turns out you got every damn thing wrong? Yeah. That's how I feel. Anywho, this guy I think is adorkable (and he's a skater, swoon!) opened the door for me and made a cute joke. Now before you say "oh dear Lord is this just another hopeless romantic?" let me tell you that he only does it for me. When anyone else is at the door, he just stares at it like it's the door to Armagaddeon or something. I have a question: Do any of you believe in alter ego's? Do you believe it's possible to seperate your body from yours? (Google!) I have one. My friend named her Cali, don't ask. But if any of you have had encounters with your AE's, PM me. We need to discuss something. But that wasn't my question of the day. The real question is: Is it possible for your Alter Ego to become their own person?

JUNE 7TH 2011

But I set fire to the rain Watched it pour as I touched your face Well, it burned while I cried 'Cause I heard it screaming out your name, your name When laying with you I could stay there Close my eyes, feel you here forever You and me together, nothing is better 'Cause there's a side to you that I never knew, never knew All the things you'd say, they were never true, never true And the games you's play, you would always win, always win I'm in love with this song. I cried hearing this girl sing it. I think I'm in love with her now. WHY CAN'T i HAVE A VOICE LIKE HERS, GOD??????? I'm gonna cry. This song makes me cry. Her voice. So damn angelic. Anyway, about my day: IT SUCKED. The only fun part was during homeroom when we were playing Scrabble, [redacted because holy shit this was bad]. Oh, and I talked to my friend Ella for the first time in months. I swear, I'm just going to keep promoting this girl. I wonder if I can get her number....sigh. If only she had red hair. LAWL. I'm just joking guys. My heart belongs to Caraquel. Yanno, when she wants it. Anywhom Question of the Day: What makes you laugh?

JUNE 8TH 2011

Tomorrow's the last day of school. I finished my Speech and Debate class early, so I'm coming here. I'm about to pour out my feelings here. I'm about to get deep. Like, 6 feet underground deep, brah. So, I think I'm in love. With the fucking world. I have this problem where I love too much. I suppose there's a gap in my heart from not getting enough love when I was a kid, or maybe my brain is just fucked up. I've fallen two feet, I've been dropped, I've had a glass cup of coffee fall on my head all before I finished kindergarten. Maybe that's why my brain is fucked up. There's a lump in my head, and I'm not sure if that's normal. I think it messed up my mouth-brain connection, where I don't say what I think. Like, if I think "Mr. John's class is nice." I'll end up saying. "Mr. John has a nice ass." or something, when the guy is like 1,000 years old and looks like Santa Claus. And the sad thing is- I can never remember saying it. Sometimes I think it's Cali saying these things, and other times I think I'm just special. I love my girlfriend, my ex, and my two best friends. (But I love Cara the most.) I get jealous beyond belief when they so much as mention another person. The thing is, I should only love my girlfriend. 'Cause she's the only one that (I think) even wants to marry me. And that's the only reason I'd ever be interested in a person- because I think they're worth it for the long haul. I really should get over all the others, because they're taken and they don't want me for the long run. They want me for the here and now, I guess. Or maybe they want me for the here and now so they can see what they'd be getting in the long run. I'm so confused and I'm hurting, but I just can't stop loving. My girlfriend's favorites on Twitter are chock full of gay boys telling her they love her. And I get jelly because I'm the first - and only - girl she's ever liked ('cause I'm just that rockin') but she could probably change their sexualities. My best friend, Cara, I just...I just love her. I'm crying right now IN EFFING PUBLIC because of how much it would kill me to not have her in my life, to not have her love. And if you are reading this Caraquel, I love you. I love you. I know Cali said she was helping me get over you, but I don't think it's possible. Every time I think about you...it's not possible to live without you. But yeah. I need to get my cranium checked. This just ain't realistic. I mean, whenever my friends come to me about their relationship problems, I think "Oi, if only it were possible for me to love you all." but mostly because I hate it when they cry over some chick who doesn't give two flying shits about anyone but herself. So, my questions of the day are: Is it possible to have fucked up the love gland in your brain? Is it possible to love more than one person? Is it possible to die from heartbreak?