#talk about your murder pit and your weird k*nk

[talesfromthecrypts]

Everything will be ours. Everything.

[boystownbirdie]

LMWTV4U: GOT S7E7

Welcome back to Let me watch TV 4 U? The blog where I watch TV for YOU! Last night was the season 7 finale of Game of Thrones. What happened? LET’S FIND OUT! Spoilers ahead you’ve been warned. You’ve also been warned that you are about to be #SHOOKETH. 

Again, I was fully #shook the entire second half of this ep. But the first half was less shocking, so let’s get that out of the way first, shall we?

We open on Greyworm and the rest of the Unsullied army…

And they are in #formation on the lawn of King’s Landing. Jaime and Bronn watch from a tower and discuss dicks and basically conclude that dicks make the world go ��round which is A. GARBAGE and B. WELCOME TO THE SEASON OF THE KWEENS. Also Bronn oversees the Lannister army’s production of “pitch” which I’m assuming is like tar (I know this from Into the Woods, thanks Sondheim!). What is this pitch for? IDK it’s never mentioned again! During their dick-discussion, the Dothraki forces ride up on their horses through the Unsullied formation and J and B are, frankly, spooked.

While the Unsullied and Dothraki approach by land, the big wigs ride in by sea. We’ve got Tyrion, Previously-Traumatized-Theon (PTT), Sleevey, Bae, No-Knuckles (NK), Stoney, and Missi on deck. Down below, the Hound checks to make sure the ice zombie they obtained last week is still zombie-ing. As they approach, Theon’s Uncle Crazy-Pants (UCP) has his whole fleet of ships guarding King’s Landing. We check in quickly with Queen Pixie Cut (QPC) who is reminding her zombie-bodyguard, The Mountain, to kill everyone please.

As we approach the GoT-Model-UN, Bronn strolls up with Ladyknight and her squire, Pod on one side and are met by Tyrion and the rest of #TeamKhaleesi at a fork in the road. Pod and Tyrion and Bronn all used to be besties, so it’s kind of weird for them to be meeting like this, but OH WELL we’ve got ice zombies to discuss! The Hound and Ladyknight reunite which is cute because last time they met she left him for dead. They both chat about how they are proud that their little Arya has grown up to be a skilled assassin.

They approach the Courtyard by Marriott presents, the DRAGONPIT space that QPC has rented for their Model-UN conference, which is actually a giant pit where the Targaryens used to keep their dragons. It looks like one of those stadiums that was shoddily-built for the Olympics 25 years ago but has not been touched since. #TeamKhaleesi and #TeamBae all take their seats and then QPC and co. roll up with Uncle Crazy Pants. We get a reminder that the Mountain and the Hound (who are brothers) do NOT like each other. QPC is like, umm… Where’s Khaleesi? And then in the least surprising entrance ever Khaleesi flies in on Dragon #1 with Dragon #2 in tow and is like, what? Am I late?

Uncle Crazy Pants has to remind us all that he’s crazy and rather than let the grown-ups chat, he yells at his nephew PTT and is like, hey, I still have your sister, remember? Tyrion tries to steer the convo back to Model-UN business but then UCP goes on a rant about how he hates dwarves until QPC is finally like shut all the way up, UCP. Tyrion and Bae co-present the case for their country in this model-UN, Khaleesi-ville. There’s a lot of back and forth but T makes a very good point when he says there’s “no conversation that will erase the last 50 years.”

Their presentation concludes with a real-life-3D-representation of the threat to their country, an ice zombie fresh from beyond the wall! The Hound sets him loose and he comes right for QPC’s face. She looks truly horrified while her “Maester” (who is into human experiments and keeping dead people alive unnaturally) is kinda turned on? Bae shows us that the 2 things that can destroy the ice zombie are fire and dragonglass, thus completing his presentation. Good job, Bae, A+ and extra points for visuals!

UCP is not having this and is like, can ice zombies swim? Bae’s like, naw dawg they cannot. So UCP is like k, BAI and peaces out. He and his people live on an island so they’re safe from ice zombies as long as they stay put. Since Khaleesi recently purchased an island-condo, he advises her to do the same. QPC agrees to a truce with #teamKhaleesi on the condition that Bae heads back to Winterfell and not “choose a side” between Khaleesi and QPC. It seems like a good deal but Bae is like sorry I already chose a side I’m #teamKhaleesi til I die (again). QPC is like k, kewl, bai and her whole crew leaves without deciding on their model-UN resolution. Ladyknight appeals to her old pal Jaime to have some common sense but he is too #inlurve with his sister to listen.

Everyone left at the Courtyard by Marriott is like Bae couldn’t you just have told a little lie to QPC? And he’s like naw, not a liar. Can’t do it. Tyrion is like ok well I’ll go talk to my sis, she’ll probs kill me but, it’s been a fun life! Meanwhile, Khaleesi and Bae get a little heart-to-heart where she AGAIN mentions that she can’t have children and he’s like well who said that? And she’s like oh this witch doctor lady who killed my first husband. And Bae is like, she wasn’t even a licensed medical professional, what does she know!?

Tyrion and Jaime have a quick moment of brotherly love before T goes to see QPC. T is like, ok sis, just kill me. Your giant zombie-bodyguard is here just give the order and have me killed. And then she doesn’t kill him. Instead, she declines his glass of wine because she is #drinkingfortwo now, that’s right, she preggers (or at least she claims to be). Somehow, telling Tyrion about her pregnancy leads her to change her mind so she returns to the Courtyard by Marriott to tell the crew that she will have her armies march North to face the “great war” of the ice zombies. Huzzah! Our mission is complete. OR IS IT?

Let’s pop into Winterfell, shall we?

Sansa finds out that Bae #boweddown to Khaleesi via a very informative letter and discusses this with Littlefinger. LF is like well, I guess Bae is a traitor now so maybe you should be in charge? And she’s like hmmm… but my sister is acting weird. And then he tries to tell her that her sis wants to kill her to become the “Lady of Winterfell” and take power. She’s like, well… I guess I better do something about that. A few scenes later, Sansa is busy looking out at the winter-y landscape and tells a guard to have her sister, Arya, brought to the Great Hall.

In the Great Hall, Arya walks into a room filled with judgy-looking dudes in pointy hats and is like, did I miss something? And Sansa is like well… there is a traitor in our midst. And Arya is like, oh really, bitch? We gonna go there? And Sansa is like yep, you’re accused of treason, murder, and conspiring to kill your leader……… LITTLEFINGER!

WHAT? TABLES TURNED BIOTCH YOU ARE DONE LITTLEFINGER.

LF tries to talk his way out of this one but it turns out the sisters have been plotting against him all along and there’s nothing he can say that can combat that. Plus Bran is there and he can see the past so he offers some helpfully incriminating testimony against Littlefinger. LF is down on his knees begging Sansa for his life and she’s like #boibye, do it sis. And Arya cuts his throat! And then he is dead-o as dead as any dead thing that ever died. I truly cheered out loud at this scene. Like, I should have seen it coming but I didn’t. Thank you, GoT, for not only killing off a main character, but one we all wanted to see die anyway! Later, we get a scene where Arya and Sansa fully make up and are friends again, TG!

Back to #teamKhaleesi...

they’re debating travel plans to head North. Stoney is like, Khaleesi you should take the dragon express, but Bae is like no, sail on a boat wit me. And Khaleesi is FEELING BAE so she’s like sorry, Stoney, gotta get that D. Then we have a sweet scene where Bae and PTT resolve their past differences and PTT is like wow you are one good dude, Bae.

Inspired by this convo, PTT heads to the boats to ask the small crew of his sister’s sailor-guys to sail with him to save his sis from UCP. The main sailor dude is like NOPE, you heard UCP, we’re heading to an island! PTT is like NOT TODAY, SATAN, and he starts fighting the main sailor dude. After taking several punches and getting back up again (that, ladies and gentlemen, is what we call tub-thumping (thanks Kimmy Schmidt), when you get back down but you get up again), PTT is hit hard in the groin by the main sailor dude but jokes on him cuz PTT is like a Ken-Doll down there! PTT uses this momentum to wipe out sailor dude and after beating him up, rallies the troops to go save his sister! Good job, PTT!

Back in King’s Landing…

Jaime is ordering the Lannister forces to head up North to fight the ice zombies when QPC walks in and is like lol wut? Jaime’s like just doing what we agreed to do at the Model UN conference! QPC is like, oh that’s sweet, you thought I was serious? I’m not gonna make a truce with Khaleesi! I’m gonna move in as soon as her troops head North! And Jaime is like how? We don’t have an army! And she’s like oh remember when UCP said he was going to leave and head back to the Iron Islands- psych!- he’s heading to the other side of the world to bring the “Golden Company” (a huge army of soldiers for hire that QPC bought with all that Tyrell gold) back here.

Jaime is NOT PLEASED because A. he wants them to keep their word and B. he’s like if these ice zombies win we’re all f$%-ed and C. QPC kept him in the dark about all of this. He’s like I know you murdered thousands of innocent people in a church and you’ve been 100% evil for the past 5 seasons, but this is the LAST STRAW. And he goes to leave and she’s nobody walks away from me and her zombie-knight is there. And Jaime is like ok, kill me. Which is cuckoo because this is the second time in this episode where QPC is faced with a brother saying “ok, have your zombie knight kill me then” and each time she doesn’t do it.

So Jaime storms off and it seems like he is finally dunzo with his twin sis/lover and is headed...North? IDK? As he is leaving King’s Landing, though, SNOW STARTS TO FALL whoa #winteriscoming #vintagenedstark #amiright ladies?

Let’s check in on Winterfell again!

Sam arrives with Gilly and bb Sam and comes to see the artist formerly known as Bran Stark aka The 3-eyed Raven. Bran tells Sam he is the 3-eyed Raven now and Sam’s like….k? And Bran is like I need to see Bae to tell him about his parents. Bran is being a real know-it-all which is I guess his gig now and he’s like he’s not Jon Snow, he’s Jon Sand, he was a bastard born in Dorne (Dornish bastards have the last name Sand instead of Snow cuz of the climate) to Rhaegar Targaryen and Lyanna Stark. And Sam is like HOLD THE PHONE I just remembered that Gilly read aloud from this old dude’s diary that Lyanna and Rhaegar were legally married and he got offish divorced from his first wife!

And then Bran goes back in time and watches the marriage and is like yep it happened and meanwhile he’s narrating all of this, Khaleesi and Bae are on a ship headed North when he knocks on her door late at night. She lets him in and then before we even get to witness their first kiss they are #doingit that’s right straight up boning and fully nude. It is very hawt but also we are confirming that she is his aunt at the same time. And Tyrion, meanwhile, watched Bae go into Khaleesi’s room and is feeling some kinda way about it?!?

I’m too verklempt to describe the sensuality of these 2 beautiful people in the nude so let’s cut to our last scene. Gingerbae and Eyepatch are still at Eastwatch when GB spots a bunch of ice zombies walking up to the wall. He’s like oh snap they are very close now we better get our shit together. And then ICE ZOMBIE DRAGON flies up, with the Night King on his back and BURNS DOWN A HUGE SECTION OF THE ICE WALL WITH HIS FIRE/ICE BREATH!?!?!?! GB and Eyepatch seem to be ok but now, we have for the first time ever, a bajillion ice zombies who’ve successfully crossed into the realm of the living and are really, definitely coming for all of us. END OF EPISODE.

Phew thanks so much for reading! Sorry bout my technical difficulties. I’ll see you next season!