#take me back to 2013 when i was in high school i wanna fuck up my gender earlier

[incorrect-hs-quotes]

Kanaya: Cant Believe That Pompeii By Troll Bastille Is Over Ten Years Old Now.

Kanaya: But I Guess If You Close Your Eyes It Does Almost Feels Like Nothing Changed At All

[gguk-n]

Chapter 1- Anonymous Conversations

Unravelling Max's Mystery (Max Verstappen x Online Friend!Reader)

Series Masterlist

Summary- Y/N formed an unexpected bond with a boy behind the screen. He doesn't have many interest it seems, except for reading her stupid poems.

{Reader's POV}

12/07/2012

Dear Diary, Stella is leaving for Canada tomorrow forever. Today was the last day of school before the summer break so I went to Stella's house after school. It's so shitty, how can she leave me like this and before the start of high school. I don't have any friends other than her, what am I supposed to do??? This isn't fair, first Faye moved back to her home country a couple years back and now Stella. It's like they don't even care about me. I made a google plus account so we can stay in touch. Actually everyone's on google plus, I'm just late to the party. I'm sure we'll still be close.

02/01/2013

OMG!! I think I'm in love. There's this new boy band, One Direction. Ava told me about them last year but I brushed her off saying they weren't my cup of tea, but OMG!!! They are fucking perfect and I love Niall so much. He's so cute and has the dreamiest eyes and his accent, I'm gonna faint. I bought the Take Me Home album yesterday!! I even put up their poster above my bed, hehe!! Sooooo, I may or may not be writing now. I think I'm gonna be an author. The stuff isn't great like Shakespeare but I'm sure I'll improve. I've written a couple poems and Aria read them and she thinks they are great. I'm gonna start uploading them on google plus. I made a separate page for it, under a pseudonym. If I really improve, maybe I can publish my work.

I was sat at my laptop, typing the latest story I came up with during lunch so I could upload it. There were a lot of people who were reading my work and even encouraged me. There is improvement, but then again, we can do better, I'm sure. My parents aren't very happy with how I'm wasting my time writing instead of focusing on my education since I'm in high school now. I finished typing the story and clicked the upload button, I got a comment on the post. It was from this guy, named Max, just Max. He always read all of my work and writes the nicest comments under them. I haven't spoken to him personally ever since my mother kept warning me about stranger danger and that it could be some 50 year old dude. But his comments are encouraging and make me want to write more. I hope he knows the kind of effect he's having on me.

My birthday is in a couple of days, I don't know what I'll do since I don't really have a lot of friends. Even Aria is away during that time, so I don't really have anyone to go out with. My parents are busy as always.

So, out of desperation or sadness, I don't know which one, I posted on google plus saying that it was my birthday. The first person who replied was Max as always. I really wanna know when this guy sleeps or how he gets any work done if he is online so much. He messaged me personally too, to wish me again and even asked what I did. I couldn't lie because my heart was heavy, so I told him. I literally just unloaded about not having any friends and spending the day alone because work was more important for my parents. He was so nice about it. He spent the next hour talking to me and cheering me up. He's apparently 15, from Netherlands. He loves cats and lives with his dad and sister. He sounds like a fun guy.

After that, both of us ended up chatting on google plus regularly. I would message him immediately after school and spend the next couple of hours talking to him. Some times, he'd be gone a couple weekends but it was no biggy. I'm sure he had other commitments instead of entertaining a dumb teenager.

Max's birthday is on 30 September. I wanted to be the first one, so I stayed up late to match the dutch timings and wished him. He replied a little while later. He wasn't very excited about it. I get it, maybe his friends aren't there or couldn't make it to his birthday. I was gonna cheer him like he cheered me up. I wish I could send him a present. He really was a light in dark time. When I had no friends in school I could rely on, he came like the knight in shining armour. I just want to be a good and reliable friend to him like he is to me. He is such a sweetheart. We've never spoken on call yet. I guess I'm still a little scared and we've only known each other for a few months. I'm gonna hold on that but Max is a genuinely nice person in my eyes. But his dad doesn't sound like the nicest person from what he says, but I can't tell him that his dad is shitty so I just read his texts.

18/12/2013

Dear Diary, Maxie is the cutest. I haven't seen or heard him yet but I feel like he is. Otherwise, why would he encourage me to follow my dreams? He was so understanding and gave great advice. You might wonder why I needed the advice, diary. I told my parents I wanna pursue a degree in literature and we had a huge fight since apparently I'm throwing my life away and I should try to get a proper degree that might get me a job. Apparently, I'm not thinking straight. I've been thinking about becoming an author for some time now, it's my one passion, I've realised. And if it means struggling, I would rather struggle and be happy than be in a dead end job. Just because they are some big shot business people doesn't mean I wanna do that do. ugh!!! I hate them. Maxie calmed me down honestly, he heard me out and told me it was okay to follow my dreams. I think he is such a good friend. I won't tell him that, he has a big ego as is. LOL!!

I've been gaining a lot of traction on my posts on google plus. I have a couple thousand followers but Max is the most active of them all. Max is so effortlessly funny. He did ask one time if we could talk on call, I told him that my microphone was broken. I'm still a little skeptical. I know, even though I'm literally sharing everything with him, I've never spoken on call or video with him. Maybe some day.

04/03/2014

Dear Diary, I got a new phone and a new number. The previous one was one of my parents multiple numbers but this one is my own. I feel like an adult, hehe!! I made a whatsapp, maybe I'll share my number with Maxie and we might start chatting on there. Google plus had become a bit of hassle and I'm not uploading on it like I used to. I usually only open it to talk to Max. I think it would be better to shift it to another service. He's been a little busy this year compared to the last, didn't tell me much but I think it has to do with him being in his final year of high school. Can't relate, but I hope I'm done with high school soon. It fucking sucks. But on the bright side, I've gotten close to Nia and Aria and I could call Aria my best friend but she considers Nia her best friend. I don't mind being her friend. I have Max anyways.

Max has been quite busy lately, but I don't blame him. I would be busy in my final year of high school too. Even with all that, he has taken time out to talk to me. I did share my number with him, so now instead of google plus, which is a barren wasteland, we text on whatsapp. I've suggested talking on call some time when he's free, which hasn't happened yet.

We had set up a time to talk, it was really early here but I didn't mind, I was up anyways. I couldn't wait to hear his voice. I was anxious as well, what if he's some pedophile; all these thoughts raced through my head when my phone rang. Max- Hi, Y/N! Y/N- Hey, Max!! How are you? Max- I'm good, what about you? Y/N- Yeah, I'm good too. haha!! This is so weird talking to you. Max- yeah, you sound pretty. Fuck was he flirting, is this flirting? A million thoughts ran through my head, no one's ever flirted with me before. I felt my cheeks heat up. Y/N- You sound nice too. I mean....you have a nice voice. Max- haha, thanks, this is the first time some one has said that. Y/N- soooo, what have you been up too?? You've been so busy lately. There was a pause on the other end. I heard shuffling. Max- yeah, I've been busy with stuff. I'll be done soon for a while now. Y/N- That's great I need my best friend back! The conversation flowed smoothly. It didn't feel like we were talking on call for the first time. I had a lot of fun talking to Max. He sounds like a teenager, much to my relief. He's just as funny on call as he is on text.

After that, we ended up calling each other regularly. Max would answer my calls whenever but sometimes I felt bad about calling him at the crack ass of dawn in Netherland so I would avoid calling him whenever. He is so kind and listens well but damn does he talk. Every one who knows me calls me talkative, if they heard Max their ears would bleed. But I like hearing him talk, he has the most random and vast knowledge, he's helped me write too many of my papers because I didn't have to research, I could just ask him; he's like a walking encyclopedia.

17/05/2015

Dear Diary, I think I'm in love. It's not some celebrity this time but I think it's Max. I don't even know that dude's last name but I'm in love. He not like the guys in school, he's so mature and funny and sweet and understanding and he supports me so much. I didn't know when or how but I think I love him. Obviously I won't tell him. It's prolly a crush since I have't dated anyone ever. I'll get over it, can't ruin my friendship over this. As is, he has gotten so busy. I think he is going to college. He didn't say it explicitly but why else would he be so busy right now if not applying for colleges. I don't know the dutch education system but I'm sure he busy pursuing higher education. He said he liked cars, I think he'll do something with cars. I didn't really ask in more details. I'm sure he'll tell me when he wants to. We have a chill friendship, we share when and what we want to. Alas, I hope this crush doesn't ruin my friendship.

09/08/2015

This is bad, my crush on Max has only gone on to increase. He's so kind to me, what am I supposed to do? Also he's the only one who can calm me down after a fight with my parents regarding my future. Sadly, he gotten so busy. He's gone for a while every few weeks. But lately he's been free. We've been talking a lot. He sounds a lot more rested lately too. I'm sure college is tough. But he's strong and I know he'll do it.

[Little did Y/N know, Max was busy racing across the world in Redbull's junior team. He was in his first year as a formula one driver, hence he was so busy. Max had no intentions of telling her, he liked being just Max, a guy from Netherlands who could talk to her. He enjoyed the disconnect he got with her]

[corneliushickey]

how long have you been growing out your hair? looks gorgeous! planning to grow out my own but i keep foiling it with trims because of split ends

unbelievable to me that i opened my tumblr app to see a kind stranger asking about the only thing in the world that actually matters to me: how long my hair is.

i'm going to give you a needlessly detailed response but if you don't wanna read all that: 7 years 8 months and it (as of today!) brushes my tailbone

i grew my hair out as long as i could in high school and it got to almost my waist. i shaved it all off in summer 2013 and started growing it out from a buzzcut in summer 2014

when it reached the ugly soccer mom bob stage i got an undercut from ear to ear around the back of my head/nape of my neck, like this:

random pic off pinterest btw idk who that is

i shaved that undercut for the last time in very late december 2016 and kept my hair at shoulder length for a while waiting for the undercut to catch up

so basically since jan. 1 2017 i have been growing out my hair from bald 👨‍🦲

in 2022 i shaved the sides from my ear forward like this

very skrillex. i loved it. i had been day dreaming about this kind of sideshave for well over a decade. at this point my hair was just past my waist.

then in 2023 i extended the side shave all the way to the nape of my neck again like a death hawk. like this:

the last time i got that sideshave touched up was 12.29.24 so it's been growing out for 7 months 12 days

i do not plan to cut the rest of my hair short to match the sideshave until it reaches like... actually idk probably my waist? but the thought of having to chop my hair back to my waist makes my entire body clench painfully so maybe not who's to say

my hair grows extremely slowly. more slowly than anyone i've ever met, actually. most people in 7 years can grow their hair down to classic length (the bottom of your butt/top of your thighs) or even longer.

i think trims can be very helpful if your hair grows quickly, if you have a lot of split ends, or if you have bleached hair. actually if you have bleached hair trims are mandatory and unavoidable. for me, i prefer to do "seek and destroy" haircuts where i just bought myself a pair of sheers and i snip off the individual split ends i find whenever i find them. is this foolproof? no definitely not. will any hairstylist tell you that trims are necessary? yes. and they probably know what they're talking about. for me, my hair grows so slowly and i want it to be long so badly that idc about splits. if i noticed my ends THINNING i would get them trimmed for sure, but otherwise i am really reluctant to let anyone cut my hair.

i had a reliable stylist who i went to for years and i trusted her to give me barbie princess layers and not take any length off. she moved out of state and i'm thrilled for her but i cannot imagine trusting a stranger with my hair. especially since the last time i did so (in july 2023) i ended up having to chop 6" off my hair because she thinned out the ends so much. SIX INCHES. that's like over 2 years of growth for me.

what i really want rn is a little itty bitty undercut around my ears like this (but with no bangs):

and with how fucking annoying my grown out sideshave is i have literally been parting my hair to do this 3-4 times a week. but i am NOT allowed to get another undercut until i grow this one out for a full year 😤 which is a rule i made up for myself because otherwise i would immediately lose the will to keep at it and just do the skrillex thing again.

also if you happen to be here from my asoiaf sideblog i can tell you that i do still play the game where every time a character's hair length is mentioned i compare it to my own hair. the two people who have me beat are khal drogo (his hair in an intricate multi strand braid reaches his thighs) and aeron greyjoy i think altho i might be misremembering aeron.

TY FOR YOUR QUESTION THERE IS NO WAY YOU WANTED THIS MUCH INFORMATION XO MWAH

[apartments4rent]

Apartments For Rent: TEN-YEAR RETROSPECTIVE

Ooooohhhh man, this… This is fucking me way up, big time… I don’t even know where to begin with this… I should definitely be using this free time I have today doing my homework, you know, the thing with a hard deadline? That was technically due yesterday?? Well, how about instead of that, I take a walk down memory lane…

Do you remember the 21st night of September? 

Picture this: It’s 2013. It is your sophomore year of high school. You have more friends than you ever have in your life and they are all so wonderful to you (this wouldn’t always be the case and they all wouldn’t stick around but you didn't know that yet). One of you proposes the question: If you were a monster, what would you be? A witch. A vampire. A werewolf. A mermaid. A ghost. A selkie. A dullahan. (You had to look those last two up.) You are so inspired by this that you want to make a story for these ideas to live in. You create a fantasy. Where all your best friends get to live together under one roof. A slice of a life you know you’ll never have. It’s actually the 20th night of September that you created the tumblr blog where most of what comes out of this will live (your first post says “why do i do this to myself”) but it is the 21st night that your creations get their names. Their genders don’t all stay the same but their cores haven’t really changed. “a very dramatic/theatrical witch who loves animals and sass master. a bubbly and happy mermaid who gets really scary when u cross her. a passive, nerdy vampire who isnt so out spoken. a moody selkie who loves to learn and lost her seal skin. a strong beautiful fairy girl who doesnt take shit from no one but is v nice to her friends. a ghost girl from the 1920s who is forgetful and not really confident but really likes her new friends.” You put a disclaimer at the bottom of the post, clarifying that these descriptions shouldn’t be taken as a description of your friends but separate characters entirely. This is also the birth of Marvin, the human man created to navigate this world of chaos, not based on anyone you know in real life. The straight man in this goofball circus. Your Original Character. (Who, you now realize, was designed as the boring main male character in the harem anime.) This was the genesis. And you would never know peace in your life ever since. 

And then what happened?

Bro, so much. A lot can happen in 10 years. You develop the characters further. You make a small town for them to live in (even though you’ve never even been to a small town in your life). You make (bad) art. You make sims because you hate the way you draw but you need a physical version of them to exist outside your head, as you see them. You apparently make a rule where no one outside of your little group is supposed to know about these characters (because you “had an experience” and “don’t wanna repeat it”). You make Alternate Universes for these Alternate Universe selves to populate, again and again. (As of right now, your “AU of an AU” list stands at 26 but there are probably more dumb ones not yet counted on the doc you made.) You try to make a one-shot comic collaboration with all your friends but no one seems to agree on how it should go so nothing but a script and panel formatting ends up getting made. (You know that your script was worse with many unnecessary details but you were bad at killing your darlings and stubborn about your ideas being the best. You’ll learn eventually.) You love and appreciate all the things your friends make for this story you start to feel full ownership of. (You haven’t noticed yet how much of a control freak you are.) Their writing and art give you life, especially considering they are doing The Most while you mostly just come up with ideas. The setting goes from apartment building to boarding house and back again before a year has passed. The first anniversary is a blast! You actually wrote something! And drew something you were proud of! Others wrote and drew and it was great. (How would you know it would never be like this again?) 

And the years go by and by… 

After the first year, you decided you wanted to make a dating sim with these silly characters because you just loved them so much. You shipped the characters (not realizing that your friends did it as a way to express they had crushes on each other, conveniently shipping your self-insert with the only man/only character not based on a friend.) There were still a lot of headcanons being made and posts being shared. But noticeably less and less. Then the second anniversary hit. Not much fanfare. After the second year, more characters started popping up based on more friends you make. Some of the friends that were there in the beginning weren’t anymore and you try not to think about it. After all, these characters aren’t your friends, they are separate and distinct from them. So it’s still OK to play with them, right? (The answer must be yes; ten years later you still do.) Then the third anniversary happens, with 4 posts between them. It was understandable. That was your senior year of high school. Everyone was getting ready to go their separate ways. You were moving clear across the country. Your friend group was getting smaller still and this big shake-up would prove who would stick around to still be a part of this thing and who would remain a memory for you to look back on in ten years. 2017, though, was a big year for the blog. You were unemployed and not yet going to college so you had A LOT of free time on your hands. It was probably the most number of posts you made since the first year of the blog. It was magic. Then you got a job. There have been 16 posts in the last 6 years. 2019 had none. 2020 and 2021 had one each. They were all made by you. There has certainly been less activity on the blog but that doesn’t mean these kids have been lying dormant all this time. You haven’t stopped thinking about them since they first popped up into your head. In 2019, you rewrote the story you had written for one of those anniversaries; the first chronological beat. (You haven’t read it since then; You have no idea if it’s good or not.)  In 2020, you attempted to write the actual story (like fr fr) for NaNoWriMo -- you didn’t get very far but it’s the thought that counts? 2021 was a quiet year as far as actual writing goes - as was 2022 - but trust that your brain definitely didn’t forget about them. 

The Retro part of the Spective 

Alright, enough second-person POV. 

Ten years.

Ten years. 

Talk about hard pills to swallow (thanks FOB). 

I’ve had this “story”, these characters, banging around in my head for ten years and what do I have to show for it? A couple thousand words and a blog full of half-thought ideas? Around this time last year, I was excited about this anniversary. I made a new Twitter for it (before that died) and was planning on actually publishing something to do this story justice… and I chickened out. I convinced myself, once again, that I wasn’t ready. That other things were more important, they took precedence. Do I have even that much to prove I was right? No, I don’t because I really haven’t changed all that much in ten years, if you can believe it. I know, a real shocker. (I still like all the same things I liked back in high school for crying out fucking loud!) I wanted to reach out to the people I used to do this with, to see if they still wanted to be part of it. (I’m sure that wouldn’tve been at all hard, I wonder why I didn’t follow through?) I wanted to have something so I would be able to say, “I did it.” So that maybe, I could finally move on. But that’s the thing, isn’t it… I don’t want to move on. I’m stuck in this arrested development because I refuse to change, to give up any past part of myself. Because if I don’t have that, I don’t know who I am. 

So now what? What’s all this for? One big, sad diary entry reflecting on the parts of myself that I already know very well? 

Honestly, I don’t know. I was hoping I could come to some sort of conclusion by writing this but as it turns out, it only made me want to cry. 

I wanted this to end on a good note.

I spent all day writing this, I can’t end it like this.

So let’s instead talk about all the things that have changed about these goofballs over the years:

Mystic Cove is a city in a Northern California town. It started out in Florida, it almost ended up as a mountain town. I also briefly considered straight up placing it in San Diego because there are some nice, beautiful, old-ass buildings downtown that juxtapose the cold, sleek skyrises in such a way that I thought about writing something about being lonely in a city and finding your own family. 

Vast Acres has been an apartment building, a boarding house, Mediterranean Revival, Victorian, Queen Anne, even briefly considered a Bed and Breakfast. All I know is it has to be the place where this family gets together. At one point under the ownership and operation of Marvin’s dad Alejandro, it is now bequeathed to Marvin by a mysterious, freshly dead uncle/great uncle. 

Marvin is a wholeass person to me, in that he’s not completely knowable to even me anymore. Marvin is probably the person in Mystic Cove I know the BEST and that like doesn’t mean anything to me. Like yeah, I’ve written pages and pages and answered so many pointless questions about him but… I don’t know how else to describe him other than, “He’s an enigma.” The most significant thing about him that’s changed is I’m considering undeading his mom? Just because I feel like we’ve had enough dead mom media and it’s not something I can speak to truthfully. Briefly considered making her a runaway mom? But we’re still thinking about it. I think her name is Lily? 

Mel’s name went from Melinda to Melody because I decided Melinda was a weird name? And Mel likes music so I thought I would be clever. She went from “Marv’s sister” and side character to basically co-lead. Mel was even almost briefly considered as the real main character for a time when I thought to lean into its roots as a product of a high schooler’s imagination and go full YA coming-of-age adventure. It was actually the subject of my 2020 NaNo attempt. I decided against it because I loved Marv too much to push him to “supporting character” and if there’s something about me that’s developed, it’s that I don’t much care for YA books anymore. 

Amber is unsurprisingly my favorite because I’m a Leo. I think I finally decided on a backstory for her that I like and she’s not white anymore? Like, not fully anyway lmao. Before she was like, from someplace in England with like Spanish parents so like tan? But now we’ve decided that she’s from colonized Mexico and her father is a white devil. :) I’ll let you figure that one out. Over these ten years, I’ve grappled with the fact that an immortal is almost impossible to understand. I’ve gone back and forth on whether her immortality is on purpose or by accident or a curse or what. Honestly, I’m still thinking about it, I don’t know for sure what I’ll end up picking. Right now though, it is an involuntary immortality with her life being tied to her sister’s (yes, the cat). Details are fuzzy. I’d have to finish the main story first but if I were to make a spin-off, I would make a prequel story about Amber’s life because it is QUITE eventful. 

Lucas is a man now lmao. And so is Will. And they r gay. For each other. But that’s been that way from the beginning lol. I think Luc’s story had to do with self-worth and Will… Will didn’t have much going on in my mind. My instinct was to make him a himbo but Will has always been very smart in my head so I don’t think that will work? Dude’s beefy asf and mad respectful so perfect man tbh? No notes. 

Jenny’s been my way to try to break down the trope “Born Sexy Yesterday” because that’s just the kinda guy I am. No, but fr I think I was making a very infantilized version of Jenny initially and that’s why I shipped her with Mel in so many AUs?? I’m not against skewing Jenny younger to make that ship viable in canon but I don’t know if that’s the story I want to tell. I don’t think Jenny ever had a goal beyond “Get to the surface” which she gets when she makes her appearance in the story so?? Where do we go from here? Things to think about…

Rohen was fat (like a proper seal should be) before they lost their skin on the beach to some snot-nosed kid and became depressed. When they start healing on their depression journey, they start to gain weight again and it's a good thing. :) 

Everyone else I haven’t mentioned yet hasn’t changed much (ie. I haven’t thought about them much). It’s not that I have favorites (even though I just said that I did), it’s just that I basically go down a list whenever I think about these guys, and, due to my short attention span, I never make it all the way down the list. AND honestly, it’s probably for the best because looking back… there were WAAAY too many characters to keep track of ngl… Like it’s a slice-of-life thing, I know. Not every character has to be involved in every storyline but like… At some point, you have to draw a line at, “How many named characters with their own plotlines can I insert into this story?” YKWIM? Especially because at one point there was a whole roster of other people who lived in the apartment building when there were like 20 units. That was (rightly) reduced back down to just the core cast. 

You can pry Jonesy from my cold, dead hands, tho. He’s perfect. He can stay.

This post took me literally all day. 

I’m tired.

I don’t really expect anyone to read all this but if you are not me and you made it to the bottom, congratulations! You now know me on a much deeper level! :) I hope I can convince myself to buckle down and write, straight up. Maybe NaNo this year? No promises. I’m trying to apply for university this year and living situation issues might take precedence but such is life, right? 

Thank you.

I love you all.

For giving me this gift.

Even if you never intended to give it fully to me.

It’s mine now, bitches. >:) 

Here’s to 10 years! And many (but hopefully not too many) more…

Cheers. 🥂🍾

❤️

[past-j]

I'm very passionate about the health / weight loss journey I'm on, so I'm going to make a super long post about my complex beliefs surrounding weight loss. really this is just so u know where i'm coming from when i talk about it!

gonna pin this just as like a core value statement but my blog isn't primarily about weight loss so read if you care

nowadays, i truly believe that it is possible to lose weight in a healthy, nurturing, and loving way. this is a huge shift from my adolescence / early college when i did it in an unhealthy way, or from the past 2-3 years when i didn't believe it could be done without going insane

I really want to start posting about this, but I don't intend for it to be triggering to the small number of people who follow me lol

to be super clear: I fully recognize that weight loss is NOT the healthiest thing for some people, regardless of your size. and i know this because I just spent the past 2-3 years healing my relationship with food and working towards body neutrality. I have a lot of body, and this era has been the healthiest and happiest time in my life! I remember feeling isolated by people posting about weight loss / how my body SHOULD look for me to have a happy life though. so I hesitated to share these goals on here until recently.

BUT I also want to share my thoughts about it because the online weight loss space is so toxic, especially on tumblr. I think I have positive contributions to make here. tumblr was the root of my eating disorder in the first place (2013 tumblr whats up!) so there's something healing about coming back here and talking openly about body/ healthy weight loss.

some core beliefs:

if you're under the age of 18, I wouldn't recommend deliberate weight loss. this was my biggest regret. I fucked up my relationship with food in middle and high school and it was a lot of hard hard work healing from that. If I could change the past, the most I would do is learn about nutrition (like not calories or diets but like. fruits veggies meat whole grains fats nuts and seeds spices herbs beans/legumes NUTRIENTS!) and cooking, find a sport / fun activity, sleep, make friends / tried hobbies, volunteer, do well in school, build my self esteem, get a job, explore my personal style... all fun things. I wish i could see how beautiful i was! SO LITERALLY JUST HAVE FUN. you are SO YOUNG. get off weight loss tumblr/tiktok/insta. get off calorie counters. stop comparing your body to others. so much love to u. if you are medically required to lose weight i'd still heavily focus on just learning nutrition & finding happy active activities & building your life. whatever you see on toxic weight loss tumblr is not it. like I truly believe the least obsessive & happiest process is also the healthiest. there is a lot of joy in taking care of your body that isn't rooted in the number on the scale.

weight/body/health are all so personal, and weight loss isn't always the healthiest thing. u don't have to be skinny to be beautiful and to get what you want in life. and you can trust your own judgements about what is healthiest for you.

goals can change. so for a long time weight loss was my primary life goal. and then for the past several years, i didn't want to touch weight loss goals with a 30 ft pole. and now I'm like... I think I'm ready to approach this in a better way. I can aim to lose weight while still being happy with my present self + giving priority to other areas in my life. and maybe this won't continue to work for me and I'll go back to ignoring the scale completely. it's all good!

I'm setting the intention now to never speak poorly about my past or current self because of my weight. it's just not that big of a part of who i am. and on that note...

being fat or unable/unwilling to lose weight (for whatever reason) is definitely not a personal failing or character flaw!!!!

there's probably more that I'd wanna say but just follow me if you wanna hear about it later lmao

much love to anyone who read this

[cadavers-and-decedents]

Oh boy oh boy this is a dangerous rabbit hole. You've started me on this now, I'm not gonna stop.

The research paper is simply titled Necrophilia: Research Paper, written by Arthur Nguyen in October of 2013. This isn't high school English so I'm not going to site the sources he references in the paper, but if you wanna dig deeper into it, I highly recommend the read. It's short but informative, and is only .99 cents on Amazon

The paper breaks necrophilia into three main types- necrophilic homicide, murder to achieve a corpse. Regular necrophilia, the use of an already dead corpse. And necrophilic fantasy, simply fantasizing about sexual acts with a corpse.

Statistically, the most necrophiles are males who work in the funeral industry. Two boxes ticked, right there. Then there are motivations. According to a survey conducted with necrophiles, the three most common motivations- in order- are to a) obtain a partner who can't reject them, b) reunite with a deceased lover, or c) just plain sexual attraction to corpses.

For A, I mean, just look at the guy. I can smell him through my phone. Hes a weirdo and a creep. Radiohead wrote a song about him. He gets No Bitches in those crusty ass robes. B, Claudia. I know it's not explicitly canon (yet), but it might as well be. C, he's just a fucking weirdo and nothing should be put past him

Screenshotting this directly from the paper because I'm getting tired of typing, but this is important too. Undertaker is a very complicated character and I'm not gonna pretend to completely understand the intricate inner workings of his psyche, but he obviously still struggles greatly with the losses of the Phantomhives, hinting at that deep rooted grief going all the way back to Claudia. Poor self-esteem can be found in pretty much all aspects of depression; fatigue, hopelessness, etc. I can also imagine him being quite hard on himself with the deaths of his loved ones. Hell, we've seen how hard on himself he is, performing so many experiments on the dead. He likely berates himself, to some extent, for not doing more to save them, no matter the circumstances.

I don't think (a) really applies to him much, since he doesn't seem like a particularly sex-motivated character (ironic to say in this post, isn't it?) but that could very well still apply. (b) I am completely certain he fits into. He's a grim reaper for God's sake. He killed himself, reaped the dead for an unknown number of years- likely hundreds, at least, then came to love a family and had them all cruelly ripped away from him by influences out of his control. "He is fearful of the dead, and transforms his fear of the dead [...] into a desire for the dead". Fear leads to fascination, and when one is so utterly surrounded by something so all-consuming, so mentally taxing, it becomes your everything. His career, even as a 'human', follows the dead. He just can't give them up no matter what he does.

Do I think Undertakers bizarre doll experiments/ occupation as an undertaker are motivated by sexual desire? No. I think it's a result of his obsession, just another one of the aspects of his mind that's been twisted and fucked up beyond repair by the macabre things hes surrounded in, things that he once feared but now takes comfort in their familiarity, no matter how damaging that familiarity may be.

Media so good it has you researching 1880s fashion

[fiction-is-passion]

Y'all wanna hear a story time? It's a long read so grab a red bull and doritos cuz I got some shit to say

So, let's time travel WAY back to 2014. During my senior year of high school, I was what you'd call an orchestra kid. Cringe doesn't defy how weird we were back then. Y'all orchestra kids got it easy now and not be ostracized by the other students.

Now you know my past. Time for the nit and griddy of this post. You see, I was a very cringy fan girl. I shipped whatever I wanted, and loved villains with it now being problematic in fandoms to not love anyone problematic. I yandere laughed to spook people at lunch.

I was into Sherlock, Doctor Who, Hetalia the works! All those Tumblr shit in 2013-15. I was neck deep into those fandoms. Also mind you i didn't get a Tumblr until '15 but I degress.

The point is, online during 13-15 was the glory days of fandoms. Ship wars were ironic with no malicious implications, you can make posts of your favorite celebrity and enjoy their works. Slash fics were called lemons. Anime was becoming more mainstream. The hottest men in Hollywood who were the kindest men alive happened!

I remember those days...less on finding dirt on celebrities and getting them canceled. The weeb community had no infighting on what's the best anime. How we consumed media is now changed to, better observe it like an essay and not for entertainment.

Hell back during this time period. The idea of being LGBTQ+ was a huge monumental thing in the US. Lady Gaga showed every young person in this era to love themselves and to cherish it. Gay marriage was becoming legal in all 50 states. We were proud of being who we are because everyone of the people who were superficial started to see us be happy with our bodies and our lives.

So what happened? In my honest opinion. Not paying attention to the other side. The gross Republicans. Yes. Them. Hear me out, once 2016 hit and we were getting orange man as president, it didn't get worse......and it did.

It got much MUCH worse! Now we have actual neo nazis and TERFS infiltrating groups to radicalize the boomers and gen x'ers into taking on a more violent approach. Racism has never been higher. Women are no longer safe. The government literally hates the poor. Towns actively use religion for hatred towards LGBTQ people. Healthcare is impossible. I can go on.

All because we were having a good time online and enjoying our time, oblivious to the world around us. If we were woke back then, we might of had Hilary as president but we didn't. We had anit sjw channels at its peak that influenced how we spoke. Trump literally used memes to get into the white house.

Now aways the new generation of us dont realize how much danger we are in. This is the "cringe crowd". The outcasts. The neruodivergant community to influence fandoms. We have anti shippers that go online and fantasize killing pro shippers...why are they not on an FBI watch list? Incels should be on the FBI watch list but whatever.

AND WERE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO THE BOTTOM OF THE ICEBERG!

And it'll get worse over time because young people under the age of 22 don't know how to communicate with millennials over the age of 25 who are also neruodivergant. We were online playing video games while we ignored boomers who talked shit about us and it worked. Now they have to put up with politicians in office who want to remove our rights.

All I'm saying here is sure we're generation fucked, yelling online about how a character is problematic and it affects real life. Their anger is directed at another person on the other side of the screen thinking it's activism.

Being woke is not activism.

It just means you see the bigger picture.

It's ok to argue online with strangers. Idgaf. Its the internet. What I do give a fuck is when your actions caused a person to be admitted into the hospital. Because of fiction.

It always circles back to fiction!

We're humans, were a bored af species. We wanna complain, we wanna cause havoc. It's what we are! We watch the same shows because no other shows peck our interests. Play the same game because it brings you joy after a stressful day at work. We read fan fiction to escape our horrible reality.

Fiction IS our reality. It's human nature to be affected by fiction and influence us. It's been that way for centuries hell even before mankind knew how to fucking read. Why do we use entertainment? It's to escape the harsh real world.

So to the people who have the notp, or proship dni in your carrd or bio. You're not making a statement. You're not being inclusive. You're alienating people who wanna be your friend online. There's so much to being proship and pro fiction! Not just. Pr0sHiPrs pèedos ewww.

Most of us are normal average people who ship and don't harass people over it. Hell some of us dont ship anything problematic!

Your anti shipping is also the same as TERF redoric. Think about it. Why do you get these gender critical blogs following you? Because you sound and act like them! You're a hypocrite!

Half the time, real actual predators get away with harassment because you sent death threats to an artist or writer when you can block the tag or not search it!

Hell your precious little cult even got a predator in it! Yet you did nothing. You didn't understand your actions you partake in sending gore to a user ans sent them to a hospital and activity celebrate an innocent person getting hurt! Endangering their life!

What in the ever loving fuck is wrong with you?

Yes, this is the internet. It's not a safe space. It's no excuse to be this low to actual neckbeards who actually harm women and lgbtq folks.

Death threats and harassment does not equal activism or being progressive.

It's called being a dick.

And don't be a dick to people online for no reason. It really gives fandom the toxic trait because of it.

To anyone else who's reading this, we're on the same team. We're being proactive of our society and trying to change it and be good people. Stop it with the unwanted harassment, stop activily putting people on a pedestal because they don't know you, quit blaming fiction and mental health for your bad behavior.

I can add some resources for anyone who is in a situation that you can't get out of. I know what you're going through. We're generation fucked. We stick together and consume our favorite movies, comics, TV shows, games and books to escape from the world.

So quit being rude online, quit your shit, quit your gaslighting, quit bitching about ships that don't affect you, quit acting like its the end of the world if porn exists! Let people do whatever the fuck they want with fiction. You don't own the property or the rights soooo....

Guess that's really it!

Drink water, get 8 hours of sleep, start your journey to self discovery and begin again. It's never too late.

[bukojuiice]

rose-colored boy

ೃ pairing: (eren jaeger x fem! reader)

ೃ  tags: college/modern au, fluff, humor, love at first sight cliché, mikasa is your cute little sister, armin, sasha, jean, and connie are your besties, and eren is a himbo who works hard and has terrible friends.

ೃ warnings: strong language and mild suggestive content

ೃ part 1/??? of my (eren x reader) college au!

ೃ word count: 3000 words

ೃ  my nav  →  my mha writing masterlist 

ೃ This is my very first snk x reader fic! so i hope you bear with some errors! qwq 

i’ve been following the anime ever since it was released in 2013, and this is the first time i’m  going to be writing for it.  this month’s manga chapter really took me out so why not channel my sadness thru writing an fluff! eren fic? 🤧 i hope you enjoy either way!

ೃ  please do reblog if you enjoyed!! (feel free to add tags too because i love reading them and my heart swells with happiness when people love my work!)

ೃ  in which (Y/N) (L/N), 20, still in school, and regretfully-unregretfully-her little girl scout sister's assistant, meets eren jaeger in an embarrassing too innocent door-to-door cookie sale whilst a humiliating party was going on.

cookies, suspicious maybe-maybe-not pot brownies, meddling little sisters and friends, “oh my god they were roommates” vine on replay 24/7, homework, tears, and fairy lights bring them together.

“I’m going to enter now.”

“Ahhh yes, please!”

“Shut up, please.” Eren muttered to himself as he tossed and turned around in his bed, but still couldn’t get to sleep. “When will they ever stop doing this?” Why did Eren’s next-door roommate and his girlfriend have to do this five times a day? They had a lot of stamina for 21-year-olds who didn’t have anything better to do.

Eren’s thoughts eventually brought him to his parents.

His parents- did they even exist?

For pretty much 14 years of Eren’s life, they had been out of town or out of the country. His older brother, Zeke, blonde, bespectacled, tall, and sometimes too far up his own ass older brother who Eren is able to confide in from time to time, recently got a girlfriend whom he’s hopelessly in love with (they’re even thinking about getting married which isn’t really a problem since the girl is genuinely nice to his older brother so Eren is good with her.), so… things in the family had been a bit rough and busy to say the least.

Communication with his parents wasn’t always the best.

Eren would study late at night back when he was seven, because no one bothered to help him with homework. Along with the fact that he wasn’t the brightest kid in class, and he knew that very well, but he had ambition and he was determined to make it big in the world. He focused more on sports, particularly Soccer in middle school and high school, and tried to balance that with his studies.  After being granted a Sports Scholarship from Shigashina University, Eren decided to rent and share a flat, living with his batchmates who he met at a mixer party (before Uni started as this whole meet and get to know each other kind of thing) and whom he was so quick to call his ‘friends’, just so that he could get out of the hellhole that was his own house.

But things turned out much worse than expected.

Eren thought that the ‘College Life’ was to focus more on pursuing your future career and make a name for yourself but… it was the other way around.

He thought that after Freshmen year, everyone would take things seriously. Sure, have some drinks, get wasted after finals, or have house parties from time to time. But he was unfortunately, dragged into the wrong crowd. After attending around 5 parties in the first few months of being generalized as one of the infamous and pompous freshman archetypes present in every university, he called it a year and spent the rest of his nights doing homework, projects, playing video games, staying at the school soccer field until 10PM while his roommates were probably smoking crack and not caring about the number of units they needed to take for each of their goddamn subjects.

 He was ~living the life~ and now that he regrets most of the decisions he made in freshman year, the only option that he has left was to wait until his third year and move to a different apartment.  

 Now, here he was, Sophomore year, nearing the end of the semester, and very much eager to get the hell out of here and also study for his upcoming finals on Constitutional Law II, as his professor, Mr. Erwin Smith, was going to throw hands if one of his students score below average on the exam.

 “EREN MICK JAEGER! BROOOO!” Eren winces when he hears the shrieky and annoying voice of his flatmate Thomas Wagner, calling out to him. “Wanna go and party with us?” Eren smiles halfheartedly, shaking his head, “Ah, no thanks. I have a game tomorrow and finals coming up on Thursday.” Thomas smirked and wrapped his arm around Eren, “Oh fuck that, live the college life ya spoon.”

“No, really I have to study.”

Thomas frowned and groaned, “Oh god, you’re such a killjoy. Fine, if that’s what you want. Don’t blame us if we tell you to buy some beer down the block.”

Eren cracked an obviously fake laugh and pushed Thomas away from him, “You’re an ass. That only happened once and that was when we first met. Don’t you even dare try to ask me to buy you shit again.”

“Woah. Woah. Woaaaaaah. That was a joke Eren. Loosen up will you?” Thomas raises an eyebrow, clearly taken aback by the brunette’s sudden aggressiveness. He hums Moves like Jaeger by Maroon 5 as a way to spite Eren whilst passing by him down the staircase.

The brunette shook his head, tying his hair into a bun carelessly and sprinting into his room without uttering another word.

Eren just wanted to study. He really did.

Instead, his roommates, all of them, mind you, were all partying in the lounge and the music was too loud and Eren was too annoyed.

They did manage to bring him out and make him stay in the kitchen where he mindlessly glared at anyone who came in. He sighed and tapped his pen restlessly amongst the insane amount of books on the table.

There was a knock.

His roommate, Floch, came in the kitchen with his girlfriend who Eren couldn’t even name with all the women he has brought into the apartment. She was hanging onto his arm and giggling. Floch’s eyes were red and his speech very slow and lazy. "Eren!" he said with a sly grin.

Eren raised an eyebrow, shooting him an irritated look. "What now Floch? Are you here to tell me to take a shot again?" The ginger-haired’s girlfriend giggled once again and kissed Floch’s cheek. Floch laughed and swatted her away, though he missed by a long shot. "Someone's at the door," a thumb pointing to the den. "wouldchumind ge'in it?" another giggle. The girl nodded sloshily. "Yesss! Erenieee get 'em door, please. Be a dearrrrr."

Eren frowned and stared at them menacingly, earning no reaction from the two as they were mad drunk. "You were just in the den," Floch’s eyes widened. "My lovey wovey-we was in the den?" His girlfriend’s mouth went into an O. "Di'nt notice tha'!"

Eren sighed and stood up. He miraculously got through the throng of bodies and to the front door. "Yes?" he called out exasperated, not knowing who was outside.

"Do you want cookies?"

Eren turned and looked to see a little raven-haired girl, a girl scout no less, a blonde-haired boy pulling on a trolley who looked significantly shorter than him, wearing rimmed glasses, and an overall appearance whom his “friends” would immediately label as a nerd they had to be a few feet away from if they saw him and lastly, a girl who looked very tired and very done with life.

Beautiful (h/c)-colored hair, her eyes looked like the starry night sky, twinkling as he catches her gaze and a smile that looked forced, but warm all the same.  

A girl who was just absolutely fucking gorgeous.

Eren was captivated. His heart was beating like crazy and he could feel his ears turn red. He would make a fool of himself if he looked red as a tomato right now.

"Um," The girl peeked inside and grimaced, squeezing the hand that was her little sister's shoulder and catching Eren’s gaze. "Mikasa, I don't think these kinds of guys would want cookies."

“Unless they're pot cookies,” Eren almost said. Mikasa pouted and widened her eyes at Eren.

The older girl crouched down and frantically covered her little sister’s eyes. "Nopenopenope, Mi, don't pull that on him."

"But (Y/N)!"

(Y/N).

Her name was (Y/N).

Eren smiled sincerely (for the first time today) and leaned back inside to the drawer by the door to grab the extra cash he and his roommates put there for emergency pizza and stuff. "You know what? You're absolutely brilliant at selling cookies. I'll take one."

Mikasa smiled back at him cheekily and tugged her older sister’s hand. "See, (Y/N)?! He wants some! Go get 'em!”

The raven-haired girl then turned to the blonde teen, practically jumping up and down. “Armin look! We sold another one!"

“We did!” The boy who was apparently named Armin, clapped his hands together, then gave the little girl a high five. “You’re a natural at this Mikasa!”

(Y/N) looked at Eren, then Mikasa, and sighed. She grabbed a bag from the trolley Armin was dragging around and pulled out a box of cookies. Eren grabbed them slowly from her, their hands almost touching as he gave (Y/N) a small smile. The (h/c) girl blushed lightly, though not visible enough for the brunette to notice.

"Hope to see you again!" Eren called out when the siblings said their thank you's and bid farewell.

And, this time, even for the slightest moment, Eren’s serotonin levels were going straight through the roof. His heart was still beating loudly, almost in sync with the trash music his roommates were blaring on the speakers. and for a moment, even just for a moment. 

He felt genuine happiness that he hasn’t felt in a very long time.

 The three of you continue to walk animatedly, now that the coast was clear and the guy from earlier wasn’t within earshot, your blonde friend just had to break the silence.

 Armin smiles, pushing his glasses up to the crook of his nose. “(Y/N), you did see how he looked at you right?” The blonde chuckles softly, catching his best friend off guard.

 You blinked. “Him?” You try to stop yourself from smiling, blushing profusely. “Geez Armin, I don’t even know his name yet.”

 “I’ll bet you 100 bucks that he goes to our Uni.”

 “Even if he does, it’s not like we’ll talk to him or anything. Judging from the place he lives in and the people he was hanging out with, we’re in two completely different worlds.” You shook your head in denial, holding Mikasa’s hand, your interlocked arms swinging playfully. Armin gives you a knowing look in response.

 Mikasa continued to wave back at the boy whom they had just sold cookies too. (Y/N) looked over her shoulder and smiled. “Wasn’t he nice (Y/N)?” Mikasa asks her older sister. (Y/N) returned her sister a small smile, “He was.”

 "I hope we see him again!"

"I'm sure we will."

 The day of Eren’s dreaded finals finally arrive.

He has prepared tirelessly for this. Hours upon hours of hard work. But, before he finally gets his well-deserved sleep, he has a few more hours to cram and absorb more knowledge for his exams.

So, what better way to do so than head straight to the library as soon as it opens at 6 AM?

This time, no one was going to bother him. No annoying roommates and no distractions.

Eren heads over to a table near the coffee and snack machines. He puts down his bag on a seat next to him, and begins to study once again. Looking through the course materials and the lessons that he still didn’t quite understand. Eren was so absorbed with studying and relying on his gut feeling that no other student in this university would think of going to the library at 6 AM on the day of finals… then he’s wrong. Very wrong. 

 “Sasha, should you even be eating mashed potato this early in the morning?” Armin asks the brunette worriedly, a huge tone of concern in his voice.

“Armin! Don’t chu worry! I ate heavy breakfast! Bacon, Eggs, and Toast! Did you not see me in the kitchen!?” She reassures her blonde friend, continuing to scoop up the mashed potato on a reusable cup.

“Liar.” Connie hissed, narrowing his eyes. “I was awake since 4 AM. Not once did I see you sneak into the kitchen until (Y/N) woke you up.”

“Atatata. Can we… stop with the negative vibes for a second?” Jean tries to become the mediator by holding his hands up against his two friends who were about to start an argument. “It’s finals week. We have to keep a clear mind, body and soul-“

“Jean, you know that’s BS.” You yawn widely, still practically half-asleep.

“Oh, come on! Can’t you just let me be positive just this once!? If we fail this exam I’m going to blame you!“

The five of you continue to talk mindlessly on the way to the library. Connie pushes the glass door open, very much excited to have this huge library all to yourselves.

Until…

There was someone already there.

Your eyes immediately come into contact with Eren’s. His radiant jade eyes staring into yours, mouth practically agape, his hands holding on to wooden chopsticks as the hot air of instant ramen breezes through his face.

“Oh?” Connie blinks. “Guess we aren’t the first ones here then.” He whistles.

“(Y/N)!” Armin nudges you in the arm in an attempt to tease you. “Guess your wish came true huh? We did see him again! By himself too!”

“W-what am I supposed to do exactly?” You turn to Armin, speaking in a hushed whisper.  

“Say thank you to him! Offer him to go on a boba date or something!”

“You got the Sasha seal of approval (Y/N)! He’s hot!” Sasha motions you a thumbs up and you can’t help but feel yourself already wanting to die of embarrassment.

The four of them slightly push you towards his table. With your friends cornering you like this, there was no way of escaping this.

All you had to do was talk to him and properly thank him for buying cookies from your little sister.

That was it.

No need for any extra ad-libs or poor and bad attempts of flirtation.

Just thank him (Y/N).

You can do this.

You breathe a hefty sigh then approach his table with confidence. The brunette continues to look up at you whilst turning the page of his reviewer that he wasn’t even looking at.

“Hi again! I just wanted to thank you properly for helping my sister and I, out the other day. Mikasa really appreciated the gesture you did for her, and she couldn’t stop talking about you to our parents since we saw you. You see, none of the other girl scouts want to be paired up with my sister because they think she’s an emotionless and monotonous freak. They’re really mean to her but she really wants to continue being a girl scout so my friend and I accompany her whenever she has to sell cookies!”

“It’s N-no problem!” Eren quickly replies, running a hand through his hair. “Why would they say such horrible things to your sister like that? Judging from the way she acted in front of me, she was quite the opposite. In a positive way of course! Those kids are just assholes who are intimidated because another girl their age is seemingly better than them.”

You giggle in response. “Thank you. I’ll tell Mikasa that you said that!” 

There was short silence for a few seconds until you realized that you forgot to say something. 

“Ah! I’m (Y/N) (L/N) by the way!”

“Eren.” He smiles, reaching his hand out to you for you to shake. You grip his strong and calloused hand firmly, and Eren could feel his ears turning red again while you were about to blush as red as a tomato.

You hear your friends snickering in the background and you took this as a sign to go back to your table. “I guess, I’ll see you around campus?” You ask, tilting your head. For, you actually really wanted to see him again after this.

“Yea! I’ll be seeing you!” He grins widely, watching you leave where he was seated. His smile then envelops into a frown as soon as you went away then he goes back to studying.

“(Y/N)! (Y/N)!” Connie whispers loudly, calling you over by waving his hand. Why was this dunce being so painfully obvious? “Ask him if he’s looking for an apartment or if he wants to live with us!”

“Already!?” You ask in disbelief, a bit shocked by what Connie had just said. He scoots to the left, as you take a seat between him and Sasha. “Guys, you’ve known him for like… 3 minutes. Only Armin and I actually interacted with him before this.”

“He has to pass the vibe check first.” Jean shrugs, sipping on an iced expresso. “But, yeah, he does seem alright from a few feet away.”

“Come on (Y/N)! Ask him!” Sasha nods approvingly. “It’s weird that he’s studying alone like this while we’re in another table trying to remain unaware that he looks lonely as hell.”

“UMmMM… maybe he wants to study alone because that’s the only way he can focus? That’s a thing that normal people do, Sasha.” You remark sarcastically, trying to think up of more reasons to not approach him again.

Armin clears his throat, “Look, (Y/N), it won’t hurt to try right? Besides, don’t you feel a tiny bit sorry for him? He does seem lonely and you do have a crush on him so… more ways to interact with him right?”

Your shoulders slump and you breathe a defeated sigh. “Okay okay fine.” You make your way to Eren’s table again but before you do, you turn to your friends. “By the way, I don’t really have a crush on him just yet. I just find him cute okay?”

“Yeah yeah.” They say in unison as you continue to walk back to the brunette’s table.

“Hi again Eren!” You wave and try your best not to fumble or look painfully obvious that you were infatuated by him. He looks up and you try your best not to smile like a weirdo.

“Hm?” He hums.

“Would you like to come over to our table and study with us?”

To be continued.

[sadclearance]

summer

pairing: suwa hiroto x male!reader x naruse kakeru from orange

summary: summer is here again.

category: fluff(?), angst(?), hurt/comfort(?) idk i suck at categorizing

warning(s): implied/referenced suicide

word count: 2013

key:

there's a flashback, but the start and end of it is signified with "*"

s/t - skin tone

summer is a time of warm sunny fun. the sky is clear, the air is hot--there's nothing stopping the group of old high school friends from gathering.

"do you think y/n's almost here?" naho asks, seeing as everyone from the group has finished with their brunch meals.

"if he is, he better have eaten beforehand. no way i'm staying any longer. i wanna get to the beach already!" azusa throws her head back exasperatedly.

"i'm sure he's on his way," saku says, voice steady but mind not confident in his own answer.

"y/n just texted me," hiroto sighs, and everyone already knows what it's about. and nobody's surprised.

"let me guess," azusa leans her face against her palm, "he's got another paper."

"yup," hiroto nods, revealing the screen of his phone to his friends.

"this is summer! who has papers during the summer?" azusa frowns.

"y/n always has papers during summers," saku notes. "maybe he's just working really hard."

"do you guys even know what he's studying?" hiroto asks.

"if you don't know, none of us would," takako says.

"what?"

"haven't you noticed?" azusa's eyes go wide. "are you dense?"

hiroto pouts, "that's not nice."

"y/n hasn't talked to any of us since high school," saku says.

"what? that can't be true. you're exaggerating," hiroto shakes his head.

"nope. not one text. not one reaction," azusa puts her pointer fingers together to create an 'x'.

"do you guys think he's holding up okay?" naho asks with a quiet voice. "i barely even saw him in high school after..."

and they all know what the next words were supposed to be.

but summer is a time for warm sunny fun, not a dark topic like this.

"let's go to the beach," azusa jumps from her seat and grabs her bag.

"yeah"s are heard throughout the group, and they all get up and follow her lead.

and the day is just the way it's supposed to be. the sun is bright, the air is hot, and the splashes of water that they playfully send each other's ways are cold.

"oh, you're so gonna get it!" azusa yells after saku dumps a bucket of water on her.

"hey! be careful," naho scolds. "you're gonna knock down my castle."

"sorry, sorry," azusa sends her a wink before going back to chase after saku.

it's fun like this. it's fun being with his high school friends. so fun that it makes hiroto miss high school.

but missing high school came with reminiscing memories of high school. memories that weren't always so fun.

and now hiroto feels like he can't move his fingers. his eyes can't focus on anything, and his view of the beautiful blue water is blurry. he wants to clear his mind, but he's trapped.

his heady is foggy, yet the past moments whizzing around inside his brain is painfully apparent.

*he doesn't feel the cool breeze of the ocean anymore. he feels the warm air of the blazing fire that was lit in y/n's tiny backyard. probably a fire hazard, but who could think about that when his best friends were smiling so big?

a black-haired boy that usually wears such a painful expression is now laughing heartily alongside the owner of the small place, letting his arms rest around his waist.

and warm s/t hands are pulling hiroto towards them.

"c'mon! join the party!"

there's so much laughter and warmth, even on the cold winter night.

hiroto thinks that it's the best night of his life.

the same hands that pulled him closer are now pointing at both sides of his cheeks.

the brunette and the raven laugh more before they decide to say "fuck it" and give into a little peck on the cheek.

but right before lips meet cheeks, y/n pulls his face away, and the lips are pressed against each other.

a cheery beautiful laugh resounds throughout the cold air as grey and brown eyes stare into each other, wide with realization.

when they pull away, hiroto expects kakeru's face to twist in disgust, but it doesn't. there's a small smile playing on his lips instead.

"your loss, y/n. kakeru's lips are sweet," hiroto playfully sticks out his tongue.

"then i guess i should get a taste for myself," y/n grins like a goof.

this view is so pretty and hiroto would never trade it for anything.

but then suddenly, kakeru's feet are off the ground, and y/n's body crumbles because kakeru is--*

"what--" hiroto gasps when cold water soaks him from head to toe.

"you were off in your own little dream world," takako says, putting the bucket down on the coarse sand.

"stop thinking so hard. that's never been a strong point for you," saku jokes before getting splashed by azusa.

"finally got you!" azusa celebrates, prancing around the low water in glee.

"you're on, takako!" hiroto says with a new burst of energy. he doesn't want to bring down the mood.

"it wasn't a challenge, but if you really wanna lose..." takako grins.

he's tired by the end of the day. takako was right. he lost.

"meet up at five for the festival tomorrow?" hiroto asks before parting ways.

"yup!" azusa nods aggressively.

"keep that up and you're gonna break your neck," saku flicks her head with his pointer finger.

"yeah," takako laughs.

"should we text y/n about tomorrow's plans?" naho asks hesitantly.

"i'll let him know," hiroto says after no one responds.

"you will?" naho asks with hopeful eyes.

"how could i ever say no to you?" hiroto ruffles her hair, trying to make the air less tense.

"don't be late tomorrow!" azusa yells at the group before going her own way.

the walk back to his house is quiet. he doesn't want to be alone right now. his mind is too much to handle alone, and he just wants something to distract him from these memories forever.

before he knows it, his feet have carried him to the l/n family house's door. the house that had been empty since y/n left for college.

he wonders if y/n's even there. probably not, considering how y/n's working on the paper for his project.

but he still needs time to work up the courage to ring the doorbell.

the simple task of lifting his finger and pressing the button takes some time and way more effort than it should, but he eventually gets it done.

"you in?" hiroto asks after a while. he knows his voice is weak, and that even if y/n was home, he wouldn't have been able to hear, but he can't find it in himself to raise his voice. his energy is suddenly drained, and he feels like he can barely keep himself up straight.

he leans against the door for support. "please."

he feels like a drunk, but he hasn't had anything to drink. it's pathetic and sad and ugly. all sides of him that he doesn't want to show anyone.

but he desperately wants to see y/n.

so, he continues.

"please, y/n. open the door," hiroto weakly knocks against the door.

he doesn't know how long he's been there, but he knows he needs to pick himself up and get to his own place.

before he leaves, holding the naive hope that y/n's on the other side of the door, he says, "we're gonna go to the festival tomorrow at five... it'd be nice if you came. i'll wait for you by the park that ka--..." this part is hard. he has to harshly swallow down the lump in his throat. "that we used to hang out at."

he couldn't keep his promise.

he had been waiting since four, but it was half-past five. he couldn't keep his friends waiting any longer.

"come on, hiroto," naho says with a painfully feigned smile. "it's okay."

"yeah," azusa tries to help. "we'll just catch him next time."

"we have all week to see him," saku eventually just grabs hiroto's arm and pulls him with them.

"okay, okay," hiroto forces out a laugh. "i can walk on my own. let's get a snack."

naho's as pretty in that kimono as she was back in high school, but hiroto can't find it in himself to be interested. he realizes that the things that used to excite him don't mean anything to him anymore.

it makes him feel hollow inside. will he feel like this when--if he sees y/n?

the thought haunts him for the rest of their time walking together, looking at what the different stalls and booths had to offer.

he doesn't remember when, but at some point, the sky had turned dark. he's sure the fireworks will start any time now.

"let's find a nice spot!" azusa says excitedly.

"you guys go ahead," hiroto says, pulling away from the group. "i need to go to the bathroom."

"hurry back! or you're gonna miss it!" naho says with a certain desperation in her voice, and hiroto knows it's because she can't afford to lose another friend.

"don't worry," hiroto reassures with a little smile. "i'll be back."

he knows it's silly, but he wants to go back to the park. it's stupid and illogical to even hope for y/n to be there because hiroto's not even sure if y/n was in the house when he said those desperate words.

but hiroto can't help but yearn.

he makes it to the park, and he sees a figure sitting on a bench--their bench.

it could be a random stranger that just happened to coincidentally sit there, or it could--

"y/n..." hiroto says softly when he gets close enough to confirm the identity of this person.

"hiroto..." y/n greets back. he's in casual clothes, nothing like what people normally wear to a festival. it's clear that this wasn't a thought out idea.

he hesitantly takes a seat next to y/n, leaving more space than necessary between them.

"i didn't know you were in town," hiroto says because as much as he's been longing for this moment, he doesn't know how to continue.

"then why did you come last night?" y/n doesn't look up.

"i..." how's he supposed to answer a question that he himself doesn't know the answer to? "i was hopeful."

the silence between them is unbearable, and hiroto wishes that seeing his high school best friend wasn't this awkward. it used to be so easy to talk to each other. why was it like this now?

"do you come back often?" hiroto asks.

"no. i've been too busy with stuff at school."

"you can't lie to me."

"then why ask?" it comes out harsher than y/n meant it to. "sorry..."

hiroto waits it out this time, and it works.

"i... i come back every summer," y/n lifts his head, but not to face hiroto's. his gaze passes the brunette and goes straight for the skies above.

there's tears building up in his eyes, and he tries to blink them away as fast as he can, but hiroto's already seen them.

he tries to think of his next words very carefully, but saku was right. thinking really hasn't ever been his strong point.

so he instinctively grabs y/n's shaking hand with his own and pulls him into an embrace.

"hey, y/n..." hiroto steadies his voice. "you're still reliving that summer alone, over and over again, aren't you?"

the only response he gets is trembling arms around his waist.

"as long as we live, summer will continue to come around..." hiroto tightens his embrace and hopes that his words are the right ones. "but the same summer will never come again."

"i miss him, hiroto," y/n chokes on a sob.

"i know. i miss him, too," hiroto buries his face in y/n's shoulder.

"and i missed you," y/n cries.

"i missed you more," hiroto whispers. "i love you."

he wonders if y/n could hear him over the loud popping of the fireworks.

but more than that, he wonders if this summer, they can finally start anew, as kakeru would want summer to be a time of warm sunny fun.

❥๑━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━๑❥

a/n;

messy half-vent fic. idek if it makes sense. inspired from a manga that i forgot the name of but it was this younger guy who was chasing after an older guy, and the older guy had a deceased boyfriend that died in a car crash in the summer.

[trivialoveclub]

2020 Year in Review!

hey! i was tagged by the absolute angel that is �� @unefleurofferte ⚘(tysm my love! 💞) for this 2020 tag! first off (even tho it's the middle of january already 🤡) i wanted to wish everyone a happy new year! not to get sappy 💀 but even tho i don't rlly talk/interact that much, it brings me a lot of happiness seeing u guys on my dash 🥺💗 i genuinely am supporting and rooting for you all and i wish u guys all the love and kindness in this new year bc you deserve it babes 💖

Rules: answer the questions about 2020 and tag some people to pass it on!

5 Fav Films You Watched in 2020

🎬 Soul (2020) "Your spark isn't your purpose. That last box fills in when you're ready to come live."

🎬 Onward (2020) "I never had a dad, but I always had you."

🎬 Klaus (2019) "A true selfless act always sparks another."

🎬 Diecisiete (2019) "You think I'd be doing all of this if I had no heart?

Maybe you're trying to get it back."

🎬 East Side Sushi (2014) "You know behind every great restaurant here, there are great latinos, in the back, in the kitchen, hidden. Prepping the food and making you all look good. Well, I don't want to be in the back anymore."

5 Fav TV Shows You Watched In 2020

📺 Like in The Movies (2020) "Do you ever feel like you're not the protagonist of your own story?"

📺 Given (2019) "Do you have anyone you like, Haruki-san? If that person suddenly disappeared from this world, what would you say?"

📺 Banana Fish (2018) "My soul is always with you."

📺 Masterchef Junior (2013-) Not a quote but Gordon Ramsay always says the dishes has "finesse" and now i can't stop saying it in everything 😭

📺 Next in Fashion (2020)

5 Fav Songs You Listened To In 2020

🎶 UGH! : BTS 🎶 "You're allowed to be angry, but bothering someone else's life, I don't like"

🎶 Fuyu No Hanashi : Given 🎶 "Just like the snow that hasn't completely melted in the shade I continue on with these feelings inside of me."

🎶 So Beautiful : DPR Ian 🎶 "My love is turning kinda gray / My heart is looking the other way."

🎶 PSYCHE : Joohoney 🎶 "All of the world pay attention"

🎶 Stay Tonight : Chungha 🎶 "Tell me what you wanna do, run away or stay tonight"

Top 5 Albums of 2020

💿 Map of The Soul 7 : BTS

UGH! ⏯ Black Swan ⏯ Inner Child

💿 Fatal Love : Monsta X

Sorry I'm Not Sorry ⏯ Nobody Else ⏯ Guess Who

💿 Ungodly Hour : Chloe x Halle

ROYL ⏯ Forgive Me ⏯ Lonely

💿 Mixtape [ PSYCHE ] : Joohoney

PSYCHE ⏯ Intro (Ambition) ⏯ DIA

💿 Chromatica : Lady Gaga

Replay ⏯ Sour Candy ⏯ Alice

Top 5 Books You Read in 2020

🤡 🤡 🤡

...i haven't read for fun in years 😔 i used to read a book every single day :(( but! i already have a list of ones i want to read so this year for sure im gonna be that girl again 🤧💅🏼

💌 How did you spend your birthday this year? 💌

uh hahaha 🤡 suddenly i can't read 🤡

well...i had to take my drivers test but i had no idea how to park so i mean obvs i was gonna fail 💀 so i got super anxious and then had a breakdown in the back seat when it was getting closer to my turn 😭 my parents had to reschedule it and take me home. i felt like such a disappointment. so it started off absolutely horrible, fortunately the rest of the day was a lot better but oof 🤪

💌 What was your most memorable day? 💌

i honestly cannot remember anything 😭 it's like one big blur but ummm...probably finishing high school! i felt like i could finally breathe 🥲

💌 What was your most memorable meal you had this year? 💌

hmm...ooo probably when my abuelita made us a bunch of paches de papa 🥺 i ate them for a whole week and i loved it entirely...my heart is pache shaped 🤧💘

💌 Did you find any new hobbies or interests in quarantine? 💌

hmm i don't think i got any new ones but i did get to be reminded again on how much i genuinely enjoy making food and like decorating/personalizing things! ☺💖

💌 What was the last big event/thing you remember doing before covid? 💌

uhhh i honestly can't think of anything? i literally don't go out 🤡 like im in chilling in this quarantine lifestyle bc nothing has changed for me 🤪

💌 5 good/positive things that happened to you in 2020? 💌

🌱 i finally escaped high school! 🎓🎉

🌱 i decided to take a gap year and the burnt out student inside me feels like she can finally exhale

🌱 i can't remember if it was in early 2020 or late 2019 but anyways I GOT MY DRIVERS LICENSE 😝😝 i honestly...do not know how i got it...i took 15+ minutes to park (as u can see your girl didn't learn her lesson) but bless that man for passing me i hope u have a beautiful life sir 😭💖 however i have not stepped in the driver's seat since then 💋 i refuse 💋

🌱 i honestly would say watching Soul 🥲💗 i've always been obsessed w my meaning and purpose in life and that movie rlly just hit home for me...i think about it everyday and im literally starting to tear up right now so let me just stop 🤪

🌱 hmm honestly just being home 💗 i now have an excuse to stay in all time and that brings me so much peace in my heart 🤧

💌 Biggest messages or lessons learnt from this year? 💌

that there's a lot to live for. and i rlly want to enjoy it? and like w the gap year i still feel guilty and still feel like im wasting time and not being productive (love being a capricorn 🤪) but im trying to not think like that...and the fact that Soul came out and it's whole message is literally like life is beautiful and it's meant to be lived 🥺 it rlly like...set that for me u know...there's so many little things that truly make me excited about life and i want to enjoy it and after those 4 years in high school of constant work and stress and losing my entire mind maybe i actually deserve it 🥲 so um yeah..sjdkajd

💌 And what are you most looking forward to in 2021? 💌

a lot ☺ everything honestly...wow omg that's so weird asjakjd ahhh 😭😭💘 [insert that paul rudd who would have thought not me meme] but i wanna do sm much!! bake and cook and learn to knit! and personalize my clothes and READ! and watch movies and shows! and i'll also be going back to school so i rlllllllllyyyyyyyy want to learn how to manage my time bc my procrastination truly fucked me in the ass in hs 🤡 but yeah im excited ahh! ☺

And We're Done!

oof my memory is so awful i feel like i can't remember anything that happened in 2020 🤡 this ended up being a bit long 💀 so if u made it to the end...thank u for reading...ily 😚💌 besitos for you! 💞

tagging these cuties 💘: @moonlattae @fluorescente @glossierjoon @ardores @star99 @jooniephoria @ahearthrob @catboyjm @yoongidisease @violetmoonlits @koyan @stardustyoongi @7blueside @m1amor @sobsyub @m8nstruck @souheii @1okyos @virgomoon @alevchaan @jihyoist

[420themanbehindtheslaughter69]

Found Diary...

This is 100% based on a TikTok I legit just saw by yoongi.xd so full credit to them for the idea :)

R/F/N = Random Female Name R/M/N = Random Male Name

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader

Genre: Fluff, angst(?), lemon(not really)

Au: Non-Idol au, High School au, Gender neutral! Reader, it's 2019, Yoongi is 17

Song: Bubblegum Bitch by Marina and the Diamonds

Word Count

Warnings: swearing,

Pov: alternating

POV - Y/n's First Person

High school... I hate it. I've always hated it. I feared going into high school since I was little. The only reason why I had any bit of motivation is that I got to see my best friend Yoongi.

Min Yoongi. The introvert who can do literally anything. It's crazy. I don't know how we ended up becoming friends, but we did. He's always been a tough cookie and had a hard exterior. Though it didn't take long for me to break into it.

It apparently took less amount of time for this bitch named R/f/n. They met about two months ago, and they're already sucking faces.

Which is what's happening right now.

"Can you guys like not to do that while I'm trying to eat?" I look at Yoongi and R/f/n and they pull away.

"No." R/f/n scoffs trying to pull Yoongi back in for a... I can't even call it a kiss. "No, R/f/n, it's okay. We can continue later, Okay?" R/f/n pouts and nods her head, making me fake a gag.

"Okay, Yoongi-Baby. I should probably get going then. I love you." She stands up giving him another kiss. "I love you too, R/f/n." They wave to each other and she exits the cafeteria.

"Fucking finally. I thought that you'd be stuck there forever." My comment makes Yoongi chuckle. "Yeah, she's really touchy. It's okay though. I like her a lot." He looks down with a shy smile on his face.

"Yeah, I know you like her a lot. And I'm so happy that you've finally found someone that makes you happy." He looks up at me and I smile at him. "What do you mean? You make me happy? You're my friend." The legendary words that make any fool break.

Being friends with him is great and all but I think I would prefer to be more. "You know what I mean, Yoongi. We're friends, not lovers. She makes you happy in a romantic way." I stick my spoon in the pudding of my school lunch and stir it around before deciding that there is no way in Hell am I going to eat it.

"Thank god you're not about to eat that. I probably would've thrown up if you did." Yoongi says chuckling before drinking the chocolate milk in a cardboard box. "It's chunky." He continues after setting the milk down.

I look at the pudding and pull a face of disgust. "Yeah, it's very chunky." I throw the spoon on the tray and look over at the clock on the wall. "We have 10 minutes to get to class... Do you wanna start heading there now?" Yoongi nods and we both stand up and throw our shit away.

As we exit the Cafeteria, this stupid fucking bitch, R/m/n, throws a basketball at me. I hate guys. "Yo Yoongi! You gonna play later? Also sorry..." He stops for a moment and looks at me. "You." He then looks back at Yoongi.

"Nah, I promised Y/n that I'd help them with their homework." R/m/n nods and walks away. I completely forgot that I had asked him to help me.

"Thank fucking god it's Friday. I literally don't wanna have to deal with these fuckers for much longer." Yoongi says wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

~ After School~

"Do you really need help? It seems as if you just wanted to hang out?" Yoongi drops the notebook onto his bed and looking at me. Obviously, I lied. I look away in shame, and he chuckles. "If you wanted to hang out, you could've just asked. We're friends after all."

"But it seems as if we've been so distant." He lets out a long sigh and he rubs his eyes.

"Is this about R/f/n?" Yoongi raises his voice a little bit, making me jump.

"No, it isn't about R/f/n. I mean it kind of is bu-" Yoongi lets out a long irritated sigh.

"Why do you hate her so much? What the fuck did she do to you?" He yells at me.

"I never said I hated her!" Even though I do despise her, I would never admit that, especially to Yoongi. "What the fuck is your problem? Why are you getting so mad at me?" Suddenly, I'm angry. All I wanted was to hang out with Yoongi outside of school after what seems like the first time in months, and he's getting angry with me for no reason? Oh hell no.

"Recently all you've been doing is complaining about the fact that we're never with each other, but you're forgetting that we literally go to the same school and that we have most of the same classes! It's so fucking annoying!" I'm furious now. I stand up and start packing up my stuff with tears in my eyes.

I'm not crying because I'm sad, I'm crying because I'm angry. I run out of his room and get my shoes on at his door. "Y/n... I didn't mean to-" He calmly states as he stands at the top of the stairs.

"No. Fuck you Min Yoongi." I finally walk out of his house wanting nothing more than to lay in my bed. I want nothing more than to be at home, in my own room, with my headphones in, curled up under my blankets. I stomp down the street speedily, I turn around and see Yoongi standing outside his house.

"Yeah... fuck you Min Yoongi," I mutter looking forward again.

~

Lunchtime... It used to be my favourite subject in school because that's when I got to see Yoongi. It's been about a week since our fight. It was such a silly fight as well. I also haven't felt like eating out in public, so I haven't been buying any lunch.

Yoongi seems happy. He's been with the basketball players, their girlfriends, and R/f/n. He's acting as if nothing happened, as if he didn't freak out at me. I only have two other friends other than him, and one of them, Tara, doesn't have the same lunch as me.

"Hello~ Earth to Y/n!" Tommy says, waving his hand in front of my face. Tommy and Tara are twins, and they both happen to my two other friends. Convenient, I know. "You've been staring at Yoongi for the past ten minutes." Tommy continues before taking a big bite of his sandwich.

A sandwich that includes turkey, bologna, provolone cheese, mayo, and tofurkey. For some reason, he likes the smokey flavour of the fake meat mixed with the real meat. "Yeah, I'm aware I've been staring at him." I roll my eyes, playfully making Tommy laugh.

Tommy. Twin brother of Tara. Both are seventeen and from America. He has messy brown hair and greenish-brown eyes that look green in the right lighting, and in another lighting, looks brown. Cheap warm-tones cafeteria lighting makes his eyes the in-between colour of hazel. He has pale skin with natural red cheeks, along with freckles across his nose. He's not unattractive but he's definitely not on most people's level of beauty.

"How are you after the fight?" He says nonchalantly, peeling the crust off of part of the sandwich he's about to bite into.

"I wouldn't necessarily call it a fight. More of a 'he flipped and I didn't wanna deal with it' situation." I pick at my nails anxiously. I don't wanna talk about this. Tara knows that, but I guess she didn't tell Tommy.

"Yeah... Right." He says squinting his eyes at me to show he doesn't fully believe me. "Anyway, you wanna hang out after school? My biological dad sent a new video game if you wanna try it with me." I look at him with wide eyes, making him chuckle a little.

"Fuck yeah! What time?" He stops and thinks for a moment.

"Four-Thirty? I have theatre club after school."

I also have stuff after school to do. Not like a club, I mean I guess you can call it that, but I just go and chill out in the Library, reading a book with a group of other students. It's not a club where you have to sign up to be in, but more of a free-range. It's fun and relaxing, especially since I don't have to talk to anyone there unless the leader really wants us to, which she's an introvert and doesn't want to.

~

Alas, the school day is over. It's two-fifteen, the bell has rung indicating that we can now leave, but I head over to the library. Oh, I'm the first one here. I take a deep breath as I sit in the comfortable cushioned rocking chair in the corner of the Library. This area is very isolated, which is why we sit over here. It's quiet and away from other students who are wanting to come in here and study or something.

Though it's isolated, in the seat I am in, I have the perfect view of the door, which is open from Seven-thirty to two-fifteen, and then after, the Librarian, Mr Kim, who isn't too much older than us, closes the door but it remains unlocked.

It's now two-thirty, most of the kids that usually show up are here reading their books, there are a few new students who just wanted an escape, and-

"Ayo Yoongi pass the ball!" I look over at the door and see a dude, I recognize as R/m/n catching the brownish-red ball from a shorter boy with dark hair, I can obviously notice is Yoongi, especially since R/m/n called his name. I whine slightly as I slump into my chair. I hear the girls who are misogynistic for their boyfriend's validation giggle as they watch the guys.

Please God... don't let them see me.

Luckily they didn't, and I continue reading until I finish the book. Then I packed up my stuff and decided that it was better off that I leave early.

POV- Yoongi's First Person

"Hey, Yoongi~" R/f/b comes strutting over with her friends with a notebook in her hand. That looks like Y/n's notebook... she never let anyone touch it.

"I found Y/n's diary." She smiles mischievously.

"Let's read it!" R/m/n says, and the others agree. "But Yoongi should be the one to read it." R/f/n rolls her eyes before handing it to me.

I don't really wanna have to do this...

"Dear Diary, I will be writing all of my important accomplishments or just important things in general here. So starting with today, we have a new kid. He's really cute, I'm afraid to talk to him though."

"Boring! Skip forward!" One of R/f/n friends say. I nod and skip a few pages. October tenth two-thousand thirteen... that's when Y/n and I met.

"Today is October 10, 2013. Oh, dear Diary, I met a boy. He made my dull heart light up with joy. He's shy and kind of mean, but I think I can become his friend. I'm gonna keep trying."  Oh god... I continue reading every few pages until the most recent...

"Dear Diary... we fell apart. He yelled at me and called me annoying. I had lied to him, saying I needed help with homework, when in reality, I just wanted to be with him. I wanted to be with him outside of school, with no interruptions from his basketball friends who always push me around when he's not there, with no interruptions from his snobby girlfriend to told me to go kill myself and to stay away from him. Just him and I. But when he noticed that I didn't actually need help, he flipped. I don't know what I did wrong... maybe it was because I kept it a secret that his friends are so shitty. At least I still have Tommy and Tara. They're the only ones I need. Oh, who am I kidding? I miss him so much. I love him." My heart stops as I continue reading. I look up at the people around me who just stare at me awkwardly and apologetically.

"Did you guys really do that to them?" I take them not answering as a yes. I look down at my watch to see it only just hit four o'clock. I have to go see y/n...

I put their diary in my bag and swing it over my shoulder before running out of the library. Everything seems to have turned in slow motion. My heart is pounding My friends are yelling after me, but all I want is to see y/n. I want to see their beautiful smile again. They like me... They like me. I was so blind to notice, but now I think about it, it was so obvious. I smile while running as I think about all the moments I have had with Y/n.

I finally arrived at Y/n's house, I'm out of breath and my legs sting. I walk up to the front door...

POV- Y/n's First Person

It's currently Four twenty-five, so I should probably start heading out to Tommy and Tara's house. Just as I open the door, I am greeted by someone I really don't wanna see. Yoongi.

"Y/n..." He lets out a long sigh and a small smile. "I'm so sorry. I fucked up. I don't even know why I freaked out as I did." I just stand there. I don't know what to say to him. I miss him... I miss being with him. I open my mouth to say something, but my mouth is dry and I can't say anything. Yoongi steps closer. My heart pounds out of my chest. His hand makes contact with my hip hand and...

The world around us has stopped. Nothing else is important. Min Yoongi is standing in my doorway kissing me. His single hand on my waist, slides around to my back, pulling me closer. We can't...

I push him away. "Yoongi..." I whisper. I didn't mean for it to come out so quietly, but with how nervous I am I can't help it. I want to kiss him. I've always wanted to... but now that it's actually happening-

"Y/n... I love you. I love you so much. I'm so sorry... please I need you back in my life... I never realized your feelings for me until just recently, and because I finally realized, that made me rethink everything. I never truly liked R/f/n... I never felt the way I do when I'm with you. You make me happy." He pants, pulling me toward my living room couch. I comply and sit next to him.

"Yoongi... I really like you. I always have. But you never liked me, why has that suddenly changed?" I want to cry. I feel so overwhelmed by everything. He shrugs before placing his hand on my cheek.

"Can I kiss you again... please?" I don't even care anymore. I nod and he pulls me towards him. His soft upturned lips make contact with mine. I move his silky hands from my cheek to my waist, and I hold onto his face. Yoongi's tongue tries to enter my mouth, but I allow it. I suck on his tongue as his lips are still pressed to mine.

Knock Knock Knock Knock

We pull away quickly. He laughs at the string of spit connecting us before I stand up and go over to the door.

"Hey, Tommy."

"It's five o'clock... is everything okay?" I look at my phone and my eyes widen. Has it really been thirty minutes since Yoongi got here?

"Yeah everything's fine, I'll be over in a minute though, okay? I might need to even wait until my mom gets home so she can drive me over since it's getting dark." Tommy nods and smiles. He waves and walks away, so I quickly shut the door and walk back over to Yoongi. "My room, now," I say softly and we both run up the stairs and into my room.

It's been a while since he's been in my room. I never told her, but my mom knew I liked Yoongi and as much as she trusted him, she felt afraid that he would do something.

Yoongi tackles me onto my bed after locking my door. His hands are on either side of my head. He dips down and starts leaving small kisses up my neck to my mouth, once he reaches my mouth he just barely touches it. "Yoongi... please..." I whine and he chuckles. I tangle my fingers in his hair.

Oh god, his beautiful dark hair. People wouldn't consider his hair curly, but it has some natural texture to it. So silky and soft. So healthy... every damn thing about Yoongi is perfect. His soft lips trail from my mouth to the soft dimple on my cheek, down my neck. He lingers at my neck for a little while, allowing me to feel how perfect even his lips are. So good at kissing, I guess that watching him and R/f/n make out had to lead me to think otherwise... R/f/n.

"Wait... Yoongi." He pulls away with a hum and looks at me. His dark lust-filled eyes have now turned into precious puppy dog eyes. They're glossed over and widened, as his lips are in a pout. "What about R/f/n?" He chuckles, making me embarrassed for asking.

"I'm done with her. Don't think about her, or Tommy, or R/m/n, or Tara, or Mr. Kim, or Ms. Jung. Think about us." I nod and he leans down to kiss me again, but before he can, someone knocks on my door.

"Y/n, I'm home." My mom says on the other side of the door.

"Okay, hi mom!" I call out, Yoongi flops softly onto the space next to me and wraps his arms around me.

~

"Tommy give me my phone!" I yell as Tommy and I run around my living room. Yoongi and Tara laugh at us, and I finally grabbed my phone from him and stuff it in my pants.

"Do you really think that'll stop me?" He says reaching towards me, but stops when Yoongi lets out a cough. "Sorry, Yoongi. Didn't mean that in a creepy way." He awkwardly apologizes and we sit down on the couch. I drape the blanket over Yoongi and I, as Tommy and Tara fight over who gets to hold the popcorn.

"I thought this was gonna be a calm movie night," Yoongi whispers in my ear with a smile. I let out a soft laugh and look over at the two twins.

"At least Tara isn't threatening to shove her fist up his ass again." Just as I say that, Tara then yells she was gonna shove her fist up Tommy's ass.

"I don't want anything else than to be here with you guys," Yoongi whispers again, placing a kiss on my nose. "I love you."

"I love you more."

[tundrainafrica]

hi, maybe you're tired about this kind of convie regarding hange's gender but i really need your opinion. is it that wrong if i consider hange as a she? istg i'm not anythingphobic, i'm just still stuck with female hange in anime. i stan aot since 2013 and felt just fine to open up about my preference in hange's gender but lately, considering hange as a she is like the most sinful thing in the whole planet and even being attacked and i don't know what to feel about it. 😩

Thank you for the ask anon! 

Lmao, I am tired of this discourse but I’ve kinda accepted that it’s never gonna end really so I’m still happy to give you my opinion about this again. 

I have written about it here.

Before I go into this long ramble again I’d like to clarify some terms which tend to pepper the discourse of gender, sexuality etc etc etc. 

Biological Sex: What genitalia where you born with? Either born male, female or with both genitalia. 

Gender: What do you identify as? CIS, Trans, Nonbinary etc.

Sexuality: Who are you attracted to? Homosexual, Heterosexual, Bisexual, Asexual, Pansexual etc. 

Gender roles: Where do you fall on the gradient? Feminine, Masculine etc. 

And the point of this is, the discourse on gender is soooo complicated. Like very complicated because Hange being interpreted as NB to some people only covers the question of gender. Like these do not cover every other facet of the gender sexuality discourse. 

Because everything up there is ‘mutually exclusive’ to a degree because everyone is so complex. Like you can take a random option in each of those, fit it together in our heads and you would still come up with a realistic person. Because that is how complex human beings are. I have friends who decided to get a boyfriend, realized they were trans, transitioned to male but had both boyfriends and girlfriends. I have a butch lesbian friend who dated a few guys then decided to date girls then decided to transition. You have me who literally tried everything on the sexuality spectrum, crushed on a few girls in high school, crushed on a few more girls in college, thought I was asexual for a while, fell in love with a guy and realized I love dick. 

You can actually have a biological male who identifies as nonbinary but is bisexual  but has feminine tendencies. 

And that’s why even I find it so confusing to address the issue of non binary Hange vs female Hange. Because they are not even in the same bracket. Like we can have a non binary female feminine bisexual Hange all at the same time if you think about it. 

If you have read all my fics and all of my meta about Hange, you would see that I refer to her as a ‘she,’ but at the same time, I do not portray Hange as overly feminine. I headcanon that Hange has tried dating women and I also head canon that Hange has female genitalia (yo, I write preggo Hange fics). She actually falls somewhere in the middle. And what makes the gender part so hard to consider is because usually whether someone decides to identify as CIS, NB or Trans is up to the person. 

And there are just so many other hcs I want to tackle as a fanfiction writer and as a Hange stan beyond her gender and that’s why I don’t really headcanon the whole discovery part because even as a kid, I have never been so particular about my gender. I know I’m a biologically a woman, I have feminine and masculine tendencies. I have loved both men and women. but gender just seemed like just a decision which I just didn’t want to think too hard about.

I mean where I live, my first language doesn’t have gender pronouns so I can avoid the whole discourse altogether by just using Tagalog. I’m the type of person who will just have this person think I’m a man all the way until they meet me because I just wanna get things done and I feel no need to correct people. My first crushes were all women, despite my being a woman and the first people I have ever loved were women and I didn’t want to decide whether I was bisexual, heterosexual, homosexual etc. yet because even teenage me just found it way too complex and too final and just went around saying I liked this girl or I liked this guy and generally because I’m that type of person, I don’t spend a lot of my time thinking about gender even in a fandom space unless somebody asks.   

And does it make me homophobic/LGBT-phobic etc etc for deciding to use ‘she’ and deciding to tackle questions about Hange beyond her gender? No. Like this conclusion is inherently flawed. I was hella gay for a huge point in my life. 99% of my crushes were women. Then there was this period where I didn’t enjoy romance The only guy irl I have ever crushed on is my current boyfriend. But even when I explored my own gender, sexuality, it was always an ‘in the back of my mind’ thing. I didn’t have huge personal metas about what exactly my gender was or where exactly I fall or what pronouns I prefer.

And nobody is obliged to look so deep into this discourse. The important thing is in real life, we respect people’s pronouns, we respect the names they want to go by and we respect people’s preferences (as long as they aren’t dangerously criminal.)

And the thing is, this isn’t even real life. This is a fandom space. And in a fandom space, everyone is literally interpreting characters however they want. We have people literally pairing off Levi with both men and women and technically we’re assuming Levi’s gender, sexuality etc. Sure it might diverge from canon but does that make our headcanon any less than the others? Like Levi’s sexuality has never been confirmed and technically we’re all just assuming what kind of person Levi would have wanted to fuck right? Like every yaoi pairing, every ship is just fans assuming someones gender, assuming someone’s sexuality. 

And sure people could argue, ‘Yams’ didn’t confirm her gender. But Yam’s didn’t confirm anyone’s sexuality either but here we are pairing Mikasa off with Annie then pairing Mikasa off with Eren. Like same energy with ships, are there ships which are inherently superior to others? And technically, I could headcanon Levi as a woman if I wanted to and no one could stop me. I mean sure let’s celebrate that some of our headcanon and preferences have been acknowledged but what battle are we trying to win here really. 

To answer your question, it is not wrong. Having any opinion and having whatever headcanon you have about any fandom in this space is not wrong.

Sure, Hange is a comfort character to many people for various reasons. Hange is a comfort character for me but Hange is not any single person’s comfort character. Hange is a gift to us by Yams to interpret and play with however we want. Hell, every other character we’ve ever grown to love was a gift to all of us by the author. And we can choose to hc them however we want. That is the magic of fandoms.

If I wanted to, I could make some eruri and ereri mpreg fics for the kicks, I could interpret Levi as every single gender, sexuality on the spectrum and it would be just as valid. I mean I won’t because I don’t jive with those headcanons or those types of ships but I would respect people who have those types of preferences.

This space is free for everyone. We can choose what we want to consume and we can choose how we want to interpret characters. 

The only responsibility we have as fans is to use the right warnings when we post shit and to respect everybody else’s preferences. 

What I would consider ‘sinful’ is just dropping some unnecessary hate into a place which is supposed to be our safe space or pushing an agenda or an opinion and being hateful about it in the process. Like sure, spread your agenda, spread your opinions and your headcanons but please be nice about it.

We’re all just sad people trying to survive in this crapsack world.

[red-sector-rivendell]

media reccs? 👀 since apparently you are a man of good taste?

Wow thank you 😏 I have a masterlist of movies that have changed me I often recommend to people, I'll just copy and paste here with quick synopses lol, it's kinda long. I'm not super great at writing synopses tho so bear with me

Dead Poets Society (1989)

One of my favorite movies of all time and a total classic. It's about a group of boys at a strict boarding school who are inspired by their new English teacher (played by Robin Williams) to think for themselves and chase their dreams. This movie literally changed my life lol

Quadrophenia (1979)

This movie is based off of the story behind the concept album by The Who of the same name. It follow the life of a young man named Jimmy who is in a gang called the Mods. Theres this huge gang war between them and the Rockers (I think that's their name, it's been a while since i watched it) and Jimmy questions his beliefs about coming-of-age and his values in life throughout the film

Cabaret (1972)

Based off of the Broadway musical of the same name, this movie is about a British man who moves to Germany during the beginning of the rise of Nazis. He meets a woman who basically turns his world upside down, and it follows their love affair and sexuality and anti-semitism, and it's hilarious and heart wrenching and a beautiful movie

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

This is a super trippy romance film. Basically in the universe of this movie, theres a technology that is developed that can delete memories of an entire person from your mind while you are in a dream-like state, and the main character of this movie (played by Jim Carrey) decides to undergo the procedure after a bad breakup. Its soooo good I highly recommend this movie

It's Such a Beautiful Day (2012)

This is an animated film about a man named Bill who is going through brain cancer. Its told from the perspective of an unnamed narrator essentially communicating everything Bill sees, hears, and experiences. This is the movie that got me into film and it is still a complete masterpiece and one of the most beautiful movies I've ever seen

The Dirties (2013)

Loved this one a lot back in high school, it's been a while since I watched it. This is a film made in Canada about a high schooler named Matt Johnson and his friend Owen who decide to make a short film for their class about them killing the gang at their school that bullies them, and things take a dark turn. It's a hilarious movie and hits pretty close to home for me in a lot of ways haha

Logan's Run (1976)

Great movie, pretty cheesy though so be warned. This is based off a book with the same name, and it takes place in the future where most of humanity is wiped out except for a small society that lives under a domed structure. No one is allowed to leave the dome, and to control overpopulation, no one is allowed to live past the age of 30. It's really bizarre but I love this movie

Donnie Darko (2001)

Pretty sure this was Jake Gyllenhaal's first big hit when he was super young (I think he was like 19 in this movie but I'm not sure) basically about this kid, Donnie Darko, who is somewhat schizophrenic and has a habit of sleepwalking. After one particular incident he has a near-death experience and starts seeing a man in a bunny costume everywhere who makes him do weird stuff. Another pretty trippy movie with a crazy ending

American Psycho (2000)

Honestly I'm sure a few on this list you've probably seen (most likely this one included) but I didnt wanna leave any out because they're all so good. If you haven't seen this, it's about a Wall Street executive named Patrick Bateman who is a materialistic phony by day and a serial killer by night. I tried to read the book but the inner dialogue was really hard to get through lmao. Awesome movie though huge recommend.

Clockwork Orange (1971)

Yet another trippy one. And fuck it's been a long time since I've seen it so I might get some stuff wrong here. But it's basically about this serial rapist guy who hangs out with this group of goons and they all like to go beat up homeless people and shit, but the main character gets captured and has to go through reformation therapy to make him a better person. It's an extremely bizarre movie but soooo good and kind of hilarious lol

Creep (2014)

Of course this is on my list haha. If you haven't seen it yet, it's a horror movie about this freelance film guy who answers an ad on craigslist to help a man with cancer film a movie for his unborn son. And shit gets weird real fast. One of my favorite horror movies ever, I wouldnt say it's super scary but it's fun as fuck

Hereditary (2018)

If I'm being honest, I don't like a lot of big movies made in super recent years and especially not horror movies (mostly because they're all cheap cash grabs with no substance) but this one is an exception for me. Hereditary is fucking masterful in my opinion, legitimately creepy as hell and well-produced and well written. To put the plot as vaguely as possible without spoiling anything, it's about a family (mostly the mother) who go through some crazy fucked up shit. That's literally all I can say without giving anything away. Super good flick, big recommend

Gattaca (1997)

This list isn't in any particular order, and I love all these movies to death, but if I had to rank them this would probably be on the lower end. It's not a bad movie, it's still great but it's just not as life-changing as the other ones lmao. This takes place in the future where genetic modifications have progressed to a point where you can modify your unborn child's DNA to have the perfect baby. This has led to, essentially racial bias against those who never had that procedure when they were born. The main character was not one of these "special" children, but he wants an extremely prestigious job which requires that of the employee. Through the film, he is trying to fake his identity and fool the company into thinking he is one of these perfect people. Still a great film

Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas (1998)

Johnny Depp, man, he is something else. I LOVE this movie. Based off a true story and a book written by the man who lived it, Hunter S. Thompson, this follows the adventure of the writer and his attorney as they go on a drugged-out, psychedelic romp through Las Vegas with the original intention being to cover a story on a motorcycle race, but things go off the rails as they both terrorize the entire city in a way. Just a fun ride the whole way, a great movie

The Truman Show (1998)

God I'm realizing this list is long as fuck. Don't watch all of these movies, it might take you a lifetime lmao. Anyway, this is a classic Jim Carrey movie and another one you've probably seen. But again, if you haven't, this movie is about a man whose entire life has been fabricated and shot for television without him knowing. Super great, super moving, fantastic film 10 outta 10 I gotta wrap this shit up

A Scanner Darkly (2006)

A lesser known Keanu Reeves movie, but fuck I wish more people have seen this. This is one of my favorite movies of all time, and it's based off a book which is just as amazing. This movie takes place in the near future, where facial recognition technology has progressed wayyy too far, and drugs have gotten to the point of no return. The plot follows a detective who is undercover in a junkie house trying to figure out who is the top of the drug dealing totem pole, but ends up wrapped in the junkie lifestyle a little too deeply. Seriously, I recommend this movie to everyone who asks, it's so damn good

Fight Club (1999)

Another popular one. If you havent seen it, it's based off a book by Chuck Palahniuk following the story of a man (the main character actually doesnt have a name lol) who meets a guy named Tyler Durden who changes his entire perspective on how the world works. They start an underground boxing club together to help themselves and other men blow off steam and get away from the capitalist consumer-centric lifestyle they are forced into. Big twist at the end, great movie five stars on yelp

Harold and Maude (1971)

This is a weird one. Gotta say. It's about a guy in his 20s who meets an old woman at a funeral and falls in love with her. Sounds pretty ok at face value but theres a lot of really strange subplots and a huuuuge twist at the end (one of the subplots being the guy compulsively fakes his suicide to get his mother's attention) big recommend

Polyester (1981)

This one I cant even explain u just have to watch it its fucking bizarre

Fargo (1996)

Ok lightning round on the synopses, this movie is about a man who wants to commit fraud by hiring guys to kidnap his wife so her father can pay them ransom and instead the husband gets the money but everything goes wrong it's really good

Bad Times at the El Royale (2018)

Another modern movie I actually like, last time I watched this I was on shrooms and it was crazy but it's about this hotel right on the border of california and (Nevada I think?) And all these weird people are staying at it and there are twists at every turn and chris hemsworth is a cult leader in it its great

Memento (2000)

GREAT MOVIE GOD PLEASE WATCH THIS ONE it's about a man who develops short term memory loss after witnessing the rape and murder of his wife AND WHEN I SAY THERE ARE TWISTS LIKE EVERY TEN MINUTES I MEAN IT. The film is chronologically backwards, in that the first scene takes place at the end of the story and works back from there in increments of like 5 minutes. Basically each scene is a segment of time that this guy remembers before his memory loss kicks in and he forgets and FUCK it's so good please god watch it

Almost Famous (2000)

This is another one that would probably be low on my ranking but still a great and fun movie, it's about this kid that wants to write articles about rock stars for the rolling stone (based off a true story btw) and he ends up running away to go ride on a tour bus with some band and gets into all types of shenanigans and its great and sad

Parasite (2019)

Another modern movie I love, fuck this is getting too long lmao. Poor family wants to make money and they hatch a scheme to pretend to be bougie and work for this rich family but shit gets weird and everything goes wrong and it's so good (also literally the only film ever that made me speechless afterwards)

Pulp Fiction (1994)

Pretty much lives up to the hype, I totally forgot the plot but it's pretty damn good I remember that lmao

The Warriors (1979)

Fun movie, theres a bunch of teen gangs in New York and the leader of all of em is like "hey we should rally all the gangs together and fuck up the cops so we can rule this city" but then he gets shot by someone in the crowd and the gang The Warriors gets blamed so the whole movie is them running from all the other gangs so they can get back to home base and it's just an all around fun time movie

12 Monkeys (1995)

THIS MOVJE IS CRAZY it takes place in the future where a virus has almost completely wiped humans off the face of the earth so these scientists send this guy back in time to figure out where it came from so they can stop it from ever happening but obviously everything goes wrong and yadda yadda yadda it's amazing

Waking Life (2001)

Gonna preface this by saying this film is definitely not for entertainment, it's kind of an arthouse-type flick. It's the type of movie you have to think really really hard about to watch. The basic plot is the main character is stuck inside his own lucid dream, and is walking around listening to all these characters in his dream talk to him about, idk like the meaning of life and consciousness and shit. It's really good if you're in the mood for that type of thing.

Okay I'm finally done, you probably didnt expect this but I've been meaning to put my movie recommendations on this blog anyway haha. I deleted some just cause it was getting wayyyy too long. If u want a shorter list I can just give u like a top 5 in DMs but there u go have at it, every movie on that list is a banger I swear

[zuucc]

OLDER BROTHER: W. Nylander I FLUFF/SMUT

Words: 29K+

Summary: You’ve grown up with the Nylander’s. With your parents being friends and you being the same age as Alex, the two of you have been best friends for longer than you can remember - but somewhere during your early teenage years, his older brother started becoming more handsome and interesting, and less annoying older brother. And somewhere during your early teenage years you became more beautiful and grown up and charming, and less like Alex’s awkward best friend.

Warnings: Extreme cuteness?? cursing and smut + some alcohol

Warning #2: I spent 3 whole hours rereading/editing this... So grab a bottle of water and some snacks

Author’s note: Let’s just pretend that drafting and the Nylander bros leaving Sweden just isn’t a thing. And I am sorry for a lot of commas sometimes, I’m just a grammar bitch. (Also, the age of consent in Sweden, where the story is set, is, according to Wikipedia, 15. Just so you know ;))  AND I AM SORRY FOR THE WAIT!!! HOPE YOU ENJOY!

Masterlist tagged in bio.

July 2011

“Why are you blushing?” Alex asked, looking at you with furrowed eyebrows and curious eyes. You’d been playing in the pool, splashing each other and hitting each other with pool noodles, but now that William had decided to show up, 15 years old and in all his shirtless glory - your eyes and mind went somewhere else, just snapping out of it when Alex hit you over the head with a noodle.

“Why. Are. You. Blushing?” he asked again, once you finally turned your attention back at him. Your attention weren’t even all the way there, quickly being caught again as you observed his older brother climbing up the ladder on the side of the pool to do another dive into the water, hockey-made muscles moving in his back as he pulled himself up.

“I’m not blushing,” you said once you snapped out of it again, surely blushing even more. “Then why is your face suddenly red?” his eyebrows still furrowed, as he couldn’t figure out what the hell was going on with his best friend. “I don’t know, probably just sunburned,” you tried to find an excuse, Alex shrugging and rolling his eyes at you before hitting you with the noodle again.

You and Alex had always been honest with each other, but as you got older you’d learned that some things you couldn’t share with your best friend.. like period-stuff, and ‘suddenly developing a crush on his older brother’-stuff.

June 2012

“Why are you wearing that? It’s hot as hell,” Alex asked, looking at you standing by the pool from where he’s lounging on a floatie. Covering your body, you’ve got a huge t-shirt – stolen from your dad. It was the first heat of the summer, and a heatwave traveling over Europe had hit Sweden good. You had plenty of sundresses but they were all a little tight over your chest and thighs - and the thought of something clinging to your body in this heat literally made you want to vomit. “My bikini is too small,” you mumbled, looking down at your feet. “What? Stop mumbling,” Alex said, the sound of his little sisters running around with the water hose behind you completely drowning out your mumbling voice. “I said my bikini is too small,” you muttered, sitting down at pool’s edge to get your feet in the water. “Didn’t you buy a new bikini before we went to that indoors water park for my birthday?” he asked, splashing water over himself to cool down. “Yeah, and it is too small,” you muttered. “That’s like three months ago, there’s no way that’s too small,” he chuckled. “It’s not like you grew. I’m like 5 inches taller than you now,” he laughed.

“Jesus, Alex, it’s called puberty - I think you forget that she’s a girl,” William chimes in, smacking his little brother over the back of his head as he slides past on a floatie of his own. You’re cheeks flare up at the thought of William understanding that your problem is that you now have boobs and wider hips. But you’re also thankful of the fact that he said it, so you didn’t have to. “What? I know that she’s a girl, dumbass,” Alex whines at his brother.

“Boobs, Alex! Boobs and hips, and a goddamn ass that doesn’t fit in any of my jeans anymore – that, is my problem,” you whisper-yell at him, annoyed with his oblivious nature. “And yeah, it is called puberty - maybe you’ll experience it one day,” you added, making Alex scoff and Will laugh loudly. “Hey, like I just said, I’m 5 inches taller than you, that’s puberty for you right there,” he argued. “Your voice is still squeaky,” you teased, even if his voice definitely had become a lot deeper over the last year. “No, it’s not,” he argued more, obviously making his voice deeper than it really was. You chuckled as you made eye contact with Willy who was sneaking up behind Alex with a smirk on his lips, flipping his floatie over and sending Alex under the water with a high scream - a small voice crack following as a cherry on top. “Like I said, squeaky,” you said, smug smile on your lips, when Alex’s head came through the surface again, and you and Willy laughed together - and your heart felt like it grew three sizes in your chest, just from communicating with Willy. And a maybe little more from being the one who made him smile, who made him laugh. You really hoped it didn’t though, you couldn’t handle your chest getting any bigger now. “Will you just get in already? I don’t care if your bikini fits or not, just... come play with me,” his voice turns whiny again as he says the last part, and you finally decide to give in, standing up to take off your dad’s t-shirt. You felt uncomfortable but a little bit braver now that you had at least one of the Nylander brothers understanding of your problems. But as you let the t-shirt fall to the ground and you turned back to the pool to jump in - the understanding one of the Nylander brothers was also the one who’s stare lingered a little longer.

It was also him that decided to grab you and throw you into the pool while you were standing by the pools edge. And it was him that went to get popsicles and stared at you when he bent down to give it you where you were sat floating on a couple of pool noodles. And he was the one that smiled at you from across the table when Alex told everyone about you and Willy ganging up on him - his smile a little sweeter, his stare a little softer than usual. And your heart felt like it would bust through your chest. March 2013 You let out a long sigh as you got upstairs, finally slipping away from the crowd that had gathered in the Nylander’s home in honor of Camilla’s birthday party. You cursed to yourself as you reached behind you to try and adjust your bra that was digging into your side through your dress. “Wanna talk about it?” you hear a teasing but familiar voice behind you. William was stretched out on a sofa, or more like a loveseat, that stood against the wall on the second floor of the house. He smiled at you as you turned around and finally noticed him. You rolled your eyes at his comment, but approached as he moved the pillows that was stacked next to him, in order to make room for you. “What’s up?” he asks on a more serious note, when you settle in next to him. You’ve gotten more used to talking to him over the last six months, as he had started spending more time with you and Alex, but being this close to him - your thighs slightly touching, your shoulder leant against his bicep - still got your heart beating faster. “First of all, I hate adults,” you say, making him chuckle and follow up with a ‘why?’. “These friends of our moms, all up in my business like ‘Oh, you’ve grown up to be such a fine young woman’ and ‘oh the last time I saw you, you were as skinny as a toothpick - you look like a woman now, look at those curves, you look just like your mother when she was your age’,” you tell him, making weird voices as you impersonate your mom and Camilla’s friends. “And let’s not forget ‘the boys at school must be swooning over you! Alex must have his hands full fighting them off’, queue obnoxious laughter,” you rant, letting out all your frustrations as Willy shakes in laughter next you. “Like, stop commenting on my body, please. Isn’t there like an unwritten rule that you shouldn’t comment on a teenage girl’s body? Also, there are no boys swooning over me, and if there were, I sure as hell wouldn’t need Alex to fight anyone off,” you huff, letting out another deep breath now that you’ve gotten most of your frustrations out.

“I hate to break it to you, but it’s true though,” he says, eyeing you from the side as you roll your eyes again. “What? That Alex spends all our free periods fighting off all my swooning suitors?” He laughs again, and you think it might be your favorite sound in the entire world. You like it even more when you’re the one that caused it. “That you’re a woman now,” he says it like Hagrid tells Harry Potter that he’s a wizard. “Like you’ve changed a lot since this time last year, not that what they’re saying is okay, but I understand their reactions,” he said - and he says it in a nice way. And you feel like it’s a compliment but you’re not sure. Your heart starts beating extra fast, though, just in case. “I came up here to get a break,” you sigh dramatically, and he laughs again - softly.

“Also I’m sure there are boys swooning over you, Y/N,” he adds, turning his head to look at you. “Yeah, right,” you mumble, and he turns back again, smiling. “I said I’m sure,” he trails off, and you thought about how the only boy you wanted to be swooning over you was him. “And second of all?” he asks, after a while, snapping you out of your thoughts. “What?” you ask, not sure what he means. “You said ‘first of all’ before you started impersonating annoying middle aged women. There must be a ‘second of all’,” he explains, smiling when he sees you draw another deep breath. “Yeah, second of all, this bra is cutting into my sides and this whole fucking outfit is just uncomfortable as heck,” you told him, making him laugh again. “I look ridiculous, this dress is at least one size too small but I never wear dresses so I don’t really get new ones and my mom would not let me wear jeans so here we are,” you sighed, gesturing towards the dress that wasn’t really meant to be clinging to your torso but definitely did. William laughed again, glancing at you before he turned his stare forward again. “I think you look great,” he smiled, but it wasn’t really a compliment you could take. “I look ridiculous,” you corrected him. “You need to stop putting yourself down like that. I’m trying to compliment you, you know. These annoying middle aged women down here are right - you are beautiful - and you definitely don’t look ridiculous,” he tells you, genuinely. You don’t know what to say next. Trying to think of how to say thank you in a confident and grown up way and not in a ‘I have a humongous crush on you’ way, while simultaneously fighting off the blush creeping up your cheeks was hard. Before you can come up with a logical solution, one that wasn’t running off or digging a hole and disappearing into it, he starts talking again. “You know, when someone compliments you, it’s polite to say thank,” he turns towards you, “oh, you’re busy blushing,” he interrupts himself, laughing. “Stop,” you whine, bringing your hands up to cover your cheeks, only making him laugh more. “There you are, I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” you suddenly hear Alex coming up the stairs, stopping at the top once he sees the two of you. “What the hell are you two doing?” he asks when he catches you in the act of trying to fight off William who’s holding your wrists as he tries to stop you from covering your blushing cheeks, your tights covered foot pressed against his bicep as you try to push him away while simultaneously leaning over the armrest to get away from him - both laughing. That night when you’re lying in bed, thinking of your talk with Willy, dreaming yourself away into some dream reality where the playful fight had ended in him pressing his lips to yours, instead of Alex interrupting and whisking you away - you get a message. It is late, way past midnight and even longer past your preferred bedtime, and you wonder who it might be. After all, Alex had fallen asleep while you watched a movie in the attic, barely getting himself up two flights of stairs to his bedroom when your parents came to tell you that you were leaving. Your lungs almost give out when you flip over your phone to see the nickname ‘willy’ on your screen. Having had his number saved in your phone ever since you first got one - because your mom and Camilla got you and Alex phones at the same time and thought it would smart for you to have it in case Alex did something stupid (i.e. hurting himself) and you couldn’t get a hold of them - but his number had never really been used much up until the last few months. Your mouth falls open when you struggle to get your phone unlocked, the fingerprint function of course not giving you the time of day, and you fuck up your code twice before you finally get it open and read the message - whereas your mouth shifts into a wide, giddy smile. “I like talking to you,”

December 2013/January 2014 New Year’s Eve dinner was always spent at home with just your family, and then around nine, your family and a couple of other families in your parents circle of friends would migrate over to the Nylander’s, where you would spend the rest of the night celebrating the new year. Unlike the last big party you attended at the Nylander house, you now had an outfit that you felt comfortable in. A pair of flowy, black pants that fit nicely over your hips and didn’t cut into your waist paired with a sparkly, dark grey, slightly see-through long sleeve that your mom had let you get if you promised to wear one of those cropped, black tank tops underneath - which wasn’t a compromise to you - it just meant that you could go without a bra. You felt more comfortable in your body too, finally getting used to how your wider hips made tight clothing look, and no longer feeling like the size of your chest was a burden. You felt good about how you looked tonight, having done your hair and everything. And even if it was nice to just feel good about yourself, you also hoped that one Nylander brother in particular would think that you looked good as well. Maybe even let his eyes linger on you a little bit longer, like he sometimes did. Along with your best friend and little Danielle, William greeted you and your family at the door. “You clean up nice,” Alex said nonchalantly, giving you a hug while simultaneously lifting your feet from the ground - something he’d gotten the habit of doing lately, only to show off the muscles he’d gained after he started going to the gym with Willy. His halfhearted compliment made you roll your eyes. “Wish I could say the same about you,” you joked, making him loosen his hold on you so that you quickly fell to your feet. While you and Alex had your moment, or whatever you would call it, your mom and dad had moved past you and into the living room. “Hey,” William smiled at you once you got back your balance and moved past Alex. It was that sweet smile, the one that reached all the way to his eyes - the one that it seemed he had reserved for you (and sometimes Danielle, as she was the one out of all his sisters that he had deemed the least annoying). “Hi,” you smiled back, stepping closer as he pulled you into a tight hug. “You look really great tonight,” he told you as you were still hugging. “Just tonight?” you asked, turning it into a joke a whole lot easier than actually taking a compliment for once, adding a hand to your chest for dramatic effect. “Oh, every day,” William smirked, taking your coat from you and hanging it up as you took it off. Alex rolled his eyes and walked past you, muttering something about getting snacks. “You still haven’t learned to take a compliment, huh?” he chuckled, putting his hands on your shoulders and pushing you in front of him into the living room. “Uhm, no, compliments make me awkward and you know it,” you mutter, pushing back against him - dreading the small crowd in their living room. You plant your feet to the ground, not taking another step - not letting him push you any further - when you get to the end of the hallway. “I know. But it doesn’t mean that I’ll stop complimenting you,” he says, stepping into you, his chest ending up slightly pressed into your back now that you suddenly stopped, his hands falling to the sides of your upper arms. You can sense his head next to yours as he leans down, and your cheeks starts feeling a little bit warm at the close proximity of your faces. “Thank you,” you whisper, knowing that he wants you take the compliment - he always does. “What was that?” he asked, teasing you. “Thank you,” you repeated yourself, louder this time. “There you go,” he smiled, and before you could do or say anything else, you sensed eyes on you. You looked away from William to see your mom’s friend, Karen, looking at the two of you. You didn’t know how long she’d been staring but you knew you didn’t want to give the circle’s main gossip girl more to talk about, envisioning her telling everyone how ‘Y/N has heart eyes for the oldest Nylander brother’, so you took Alex’s route of muttering something about snacks and running off to find him. You made the hours before midnight go by, by playing games with the other kids your age in the basement. William coming by every now and then, joining you for a game or two. The couch was full and you had taken the only chair for yourself, but instead of sitting on the floor, like three others, Willy simply desired to share your chair. “Hey, I was comfortable,” you whined, as he pushed you forward and dumped down behind you, resting his thighs and his side on the armrests, his long legs and one of his arms hanging over the chairs edges. Even if having him this close made your heart beat faster and your smile a little harder to hide, you were now a little bit uncomfortable, sitting at the edge of the seat. “Well, make yourself comfortable again,” he said, like it was the easiest thing ever. You could see how it could be comfortable, but that meant a lot of bodily contact between the two of you - something that took a little more bravery than you were feeling right now with all of these people around - and Alex who was rolling his eyes out of his head on the other side of the table. Sensing your lack of bravery, or uncomfortableness, or maybe both, William slides his free arm around your waist and pulls you closer, letting you rest back against his thighs, your arm coming up to rest on his hip. Your eyes meet and he looks up at you as if to ask ‘comfortable now?’ and you nod, a smile tugging at your lips. Not long after, Camilla comes down to tell you all that midnight and 2014 are only 15 minutes away. And while you dread having to pull away from the comfortable heat of his body, everyone put down their cards and scrambled up the stairs to put on the many layers that the Swedish winter required. “Are you gonna get up?” William chuckles, and you snap out of your thoughts. A blush rises to your cheeks but you still manage to give him a relaxed answer - one that doesn’t say ‘I never not want your body pressed to mine ever again’ but confidently “I was finally comfortable again,” at which he laughs and pushes you back to the edge of the seat, placing his hands on your shoulders again like he’d done when you first arrived. Out in the street, where the entire neighborhood and their guests gathered to watch the fireworks and celebrate the new year, you found yourself standing between Alex and William. William’s arm came around your shoulders, as if to warm you, even if you haven’t really shown any signs of being cold. But then again, you definitely didn’t mind.

The entire street counted down the last ten seconds before the new year in unison and you found yourself engulfed in the sound as a feeling of thankfulness for your friends and family washed over you. As 2013 came to an end and fireworks appeared in the night sky over you, you were pulled against William’s front, his glove covered hand coming up to your face as he pressed his lips to yours in a swift new year’s kiss. And it all happened so fast that you barely even realized it before it was over and you were whisked away and hugged by Alex and your mom, and your dad, and Camilla. Everyone. ‘Happy New Year’ whispered and shouted everywhere around you. Until William is back at your side, pulling you into a hug, whispering “Happy New Year” into your ear as if he hadn’t just kissed you a few minutes prior. As you got home around an hour and a half later, after having spent the last hour at the Nylander house half asleep on Alex’s shoulder, your brain fogged over with thoughts of what had happened. You’d been so tired but now your mind was running all over the place, and there was no way you were going to fall asleep within the first hour. You relived the moment about a hundred times, to the best of your memory. And you wished, you wished that you’d been prepared, that you knew what had made him do it - wished that he would have done it again. You wished that he hadn’t gone out with his friends after, so that maybe, just maybe he would’ve said something. Around 4 AM it feels like you might finally be falling asleep, but the sound of your phone buzzing once, then twice, makes you get up to at least push the ‘do not disturb’ button. But when you see his name on your screen you’re suddenly awake again, opening the messages immediately. “I really wanted a new year’s kiss,” “I hope you’re not mad at me❤️” And your heart felt like it was beating out of your chest again. You had no fucking idea what was behind the words ‘I really wanted a new year’s kiss’ but it would just have to do. And you were definitely not mad at him. “I’m not mad at you❤️” you texted him back, holding your phone to your chest as you waited for his reply, if there was one. A few seconds later it vibrates in your hands and you scramble to get it unlocked. “Why are you still awake?” he asks, and in a moment of bravery you text “Just been thinking a lot,” back. The dots that indicate typing appear immediately. “What’s got you thinking so much that you can’t sleep?” he asks, and you wonder if he just wants to hear you say it or if he’s actually oblivious. “You,” you answer, straight forward. Deciding right then and there that you were going to be honest this year. “Me? Why?”

“Because you kissed me,” you sent back, almost hyperventilating while you looked at the dots as they moved. The dots stopped and appeared again three times before the message came through.

“❤️❤️❤️”

March 2014 You smile awkwardly as a few guys from Alex’s hockey team shouts your name and lifts their red solo cups in the air as if to greet you. You lift your own, making sure to not let them see that there was actually water in yours, having decided that you should slow down on the alcohol that you definitely weren’t allowed to drink considering the fact that: 1. you were going home to your parents at some point during the night 

2. Alex was already well on the way to not remembering his 16th birthday, and it was only 11 o’clock You find your way back to the living room, that apparently had doubled its population in the time that you’d spent using the toilet and getting yourself some water. You sigh as you stand looking for the few people in the crowd that you actually wanted to spend time with. You spotted Alex next to his friend Linus, both noticeably intoxicated and trying to pick up some girls you’d never even seen before. The party had clearly escalated quickly. Rolling your eyes, you moved on. 

Your eyes quickly find Willy in the crowd, who’s got his hand in the air waving at you to come over to him. He’s sat in the middle of the sofa talking to a few friends that frequently attended the same friends and family events that your family and the Nylanders did. There was no space next to him or your friends - one of them even sitting on the table to be able to listen to the conversation over the loud music - but William got up from his seat and reached out a long arm for you to take and use as support as you climbed over legs and hands holding drinks. You eyed the table, sticky from overflown cups of beer and vodka mixed with god knows what, not really wanting to touch it... at all. “Here, you can sit in my lap,” William says sweetly, and before you can even process what he’d said, his hands are on your hips and he’s pulling you down to sit on one of thighs. One of his hands stay on your hip, while the other comes to rest on your knee. “You good?” he asks you, the conversation with your shared friends put on hold as he devotes his attention to you completely. You smile and nod, letting the arm closest to him rest over his shoulders. “I hope that’s water and not plain vodka,” he chuckles, nodding towards the cup in your hand. You laugh lightly at his comment. “You know, I was kinda feeling it, but then I saw him and thought ‘mm better not’,” you motioned to his little brother who’d now moved on to sloppy dancing with, not one of the unknown girls, but with Linus. William laughed at that, but nodded to show his understanding of your situation. “Yeah, I’ve been drinking coke. Mom was very clear when she said that I had to be responsible tonight,” he told you, before filling you in on the conversation he’d had with your friends. The conversation was soon interrupted, as Alex screamed across the room - the alcohol killing the already thin filter that he usually had. “You, you two, my brother and my best friend, can you please stop flirting? It’s fucking disgusting,” he shouts, as everyone turns their attention to you, his best friend, sitting on his older brother’s lap with his hands wrapped around you. Your brain works quick, making up sarcastic answers for everything had been like a coping mechanism for you over the last few years. “It’s not our fault you invited so many people that there’s no more places to sit,” you shout back at him, and he rolls his eyes. William laughs behind you, and at that, alcohol gets the best of Alex and he seems to get angry. “And- and you, you’ve been trying to steal my best friend from me f-for years,” he says, aggressively. To which the older brother role that William rarely has used over the last three years, seeing as the two year age gap between them hasn’t been very prominent, comes into light. “One more fucking word from you and I’m locking you in your room and ending this party,” he says, his voice strict and it’s shockingly enough make the drunk Alex shut up and go back to whatever he’d been doing before he noticed you. The conversation goes on but you find yourself falling out of it, Alex’s words clouding your mind and leaving you with a bad feeling in your chest. You hated that he was mad at you, even in the state that he was in. His state just made you think that it was the truth finally coming out. He’d been rolling his eyes at you and Willy for years and now you knew why. “Hey, are you alright?” Willy asks after your friends left - they lived further away and had been picked up by a parent. “Uh, yeah,” you answered when you were snapped out of your thoughts. He smiled a knowing smile that told you that he knew that you weren’t really okay. “Let’s go somewhere else,” he said and helped you to your feet with his hands on your hips, keeping his hands there as you make way on the narrow path between the couch and the table - climbing over the legs of everyone still sat there. He leads you to the staircase, and you stop to see if Alex is fine before you go up. He’s sitting with some teammates and not lying face down somewhere, like you feared. And he doesn’t see you go upstairs with Willy, either, so you decide that it’s safe. William leads you to the loveseat in the second floor’s hallway, where you’d found escape on so many parties at the Nylander’s before. You both sit down, but he takes hold of your legs and pulls them into his lap. “You have barely said a word since Alex’s screaming,” he said, placing a hand on your leg. “Yeah, I guess it just left me with a bad feeling,” you told him, looking out into the room instead of at him. “You know, he won’t remember it tomorrow,” he tried to calm you. “But I will,” you glanced at him before continuing. “And I know he’s drunk and not in his right mind, but I can’t keep from thinking that he’s just saying what he actually means,” you told him, and he reaches out to take your hand in his, keeping you from fidgeting and picking on your jeans. “I know he’s been rolling his eyes at us for years, but I don’t think he actually means what he said. I don’t think he meant what he said about me trying to steal you away from him. I’m not, I would be a really sucky big brother if I did that - it’s just that I like spending time with you, too, and we have never been together without him being there, it’s him that goes off doing something else - and if he means that I can’t talk to you just because he isn’t, then he’s just being an asshole,” he squeezes your hand. You guess he’s right and you’re finally able to swallow the bad feeling. “Uhm, hey, Alex can barely stand by himself, so,” a girl from your school interrupted yours and Willy’s moment - seeming very awkward for having done so. “I guess it’s time to end this party,” William says, letting go of your hand and clapping his own two together. You get up and thank the girl for coming to get you, before you go down stairs to find Alex mumbling about God knows what. “Do you think you can deal with him while I get everyone out of here?” William asks you, placing a hand on your arm when he talks to you. You nod, and he smiles. “I’ll come help you as soon as I get this cleared,” he says, motioning to the living room that still had quite a few people in it, even if some had left already. “Heyyy,” Alex smiles when he sees you this time. If he’s already forgotten about the situation earlier or if he’s just happy to see you without his older brother by your side, you don’t know. “Hi,” you smile, “how are you feeling?” you ask him, taking his hand and helping him to his feet. “Uhm, not great, but not terrible either,” he tells you, making you shake your head laughing. You position yourself under his arm, so that he can lean on you. “Let’s get you to bed, then,” you tell him, starting towards the stairs again. “B-but, I’m having a party,” he whines, and you laugh again. “The party is over, Alex, everyone’s going home,” you explained to him, and he eventually decides to at least try to walk up the stairs. “Wait, where were you? I was looking for you,” he asks you, somewhere on the way up the stairs, his weight leaning on you so much that you could barely talk. “I was upstairs,” you tell him through your labored breath, and he asks you what you were doing upstairs when the party was downstairs. “Just talking,” you tell him, deciding that it was probably best to not say with who. But of course, the next question from your nosy best friend is just that. But before you can come up with a clever answer, he’s already guessed it. “Willy, probably. Right?” You nod, and he doesn’t say anything else before you get him to his room and onto his bed. “Why do you hang out with Willy so much?” he asks you, sitting on his bed and desperately trying to open the buttons on his not so clean, spilled upon, light blue button up - but failing. “Because he’s my friend and I like him, Alex. But I spend a lot more time with you, so don’t you be worried,” he rolls his eyes at you again, but there’s a small smile tugging on his lips. “But tonight’s my birthday party and you only hung out with him,” he says, small traces of ‘whiny 4 year old’ in his voice. “I did spend time with you. You even got me a little tipsy! But then you got ridiculously drunk and only wanted to talk to girls - girls that aren’t me - so I decided to hang out with Willy, Elias and Charlotte instead,” you explained and he seemed to take it, smiling when you finally took over the unbuttoning of his shirt. “But what were you doing upstairs talking with Willy? Where you just talking?” he tries to sound like he’s a protective older brother, but he’s failing. “We were just talking, Alex. What else would we be doing?” you chuckle, as you finally get the last button open and help him pull it off. “I don’t know, unholy stuff?” he says, unable to fight off the smile tugging at his lips. You throw your head back laughing at your ridiculous best friend, deciding to not answer his accusations you push him down onto his back and pull the duvet over him. “Stay here, I’m gonna get you a bottle of water and a bucket - just in case,” you tell him and he nods. When you come down the stairs, the house is just about empty, except from Willy, who’s tying Alex’s just as drunk friend, Linus’ shoes. “I called his mum, just gonna wait here with him until she gets here and I’ll be right up,” he tells you from the hallway, when he hears you coming down. “Yeah, we’re good, I’m just gonna get him a bottle of water and a bucket... I doubt that he’s gonna feel well tomorrow,” you inform him before going into the kitchen. When you come back up, Alex has managed to kick off his jeans, and you’re thankful that you didn’t have to help him with that. His eyes are barely open. “Here, please drink a little bit before you fall asleep,” you give him the bottle and he grunts but does as he’s told. “I’m sorry that I got mad at you and Willy,” he mumbled between gulps of water. You smile, telling him that it’s okay. You put the bottle on his nightstand and he lays back. You’re about to leave when he grabs your arm. “I think Willy is in love with you, and-and I think you’re in love with him, too,” he says, his words completely freezing you in your spot. “I just don’t want you to forget about me,” he says, half asleep - and his words pull you out of your trance. You bend down, pulling his sleepy form into a hug. “I’ll never forget about you, Alex. Never. I love you,” you tell him, kissing his temple before letting go of him. “I love you, too,” he says, his words barely coherent. You turn around, finally leaving the room and you almost scream when you see the brother in question standing in the doorway. He chuckles at your reaction, and moves backwards into the hallway of the second floor to let you exit Alex’s bedroom. “Jesus, how long have you been standing there?” you ask him, your hand still clutched to your chest. He shrugs, smiling, and your hearts starts beating faster at the thought of him hearing what Alex said to you. But the sight of the living room with the lights on, snaps you out of your thoughts and the small panic building in your chest. “Where are the trash bags?” you sigh, turning to look at Willy who’s behind you. He sighs as well and leaves you to find said trash bags. The next hour is spent picking up trash and cleaning up - Willy following you around with the bags while you pick up the trash. There are no words exchanged, but you work together in comfortable silence. He cleans the floors, while you wipe the tables and kitchen benches. “Don’t you have a curfew?” William asks you when you’re finally done - the digits on your phone telling you that you’re already past 3 AM. “Uhm, usually, but not tonight, no,” you told him. Your parents had decided that since it was Alex’s birthday party and at the Nylander’s house, you could stay till the party was over. Considering that you were basically a host - that seemed fair. And besides, Alex had promised your mom that he would follow you home... Before you could even tell Willy about his little brother’s broken promise, he was already offering. “I’ll follow you home. I won’t let you walk home alone in the middle of the night,” he says, the smile on his mouth tells you that he wasn’t just doing it because he felt like he had to, but because he wanted to. You nodded, not even bothering to try and fight him on the matter - also, you wanted him to. You put on your outerwear and shoes, yourself bundling up in a scarf as March in Sweden still could be considered winter. “That’s cute,” Willy smiles, his hand coming up to pull the big scarf even further up around your cheeks and ears - and you already feel warmer because of his little comment. You walk out in the cold night, you a few feet ahead of him as he locks the door behind him. “Hey, slow down,” he whispers as he catches up to you. “Slow down? It’s freezing cold,” you smile behind your huge scarf, and he nods. “With this tempo, you’ll be home in just 5 minutes,” he informs you, and you chuckle at his dramatics. It would take you 8 minutes, at least. “Isn’t that a good thing?” you ask him, your smile turning into a smirk. He shrugs again, just like he had when you’d asked him how long he’d been standing in Alex’s doorway about an hour earlier. “I don’t know, it’s just that it means less time with you - like I said earlier - we never spend time together just me and you,” he spoke bravely. You just smiled at his statement, nodding when he looked at you for some kind of conformation. “Uhm, this is going to sound weird but... Which one of your hands are the coldest?” he asks, and you laugh as a reaction to his question. “I don’t know, this one maybe?” you grin, holding up your right hand. He nods and moves to your right side, taking your hand and intertwining his fingers with yours. You roll your eyes at him, even if you know very well that he’s the only reason that there’s warmth spreading in your body. “What?” he asks, and you just shake your head, a wide smile spreads on your rosy cheeks (if they were rosy because of the cold or because of his hand in yours - you would never know). “I just thought that it was a nice bridge into holding your hand,” he tells you, and you laugh out loud this time - forgetting that you’re walking through a suburban area in the middle of the night, both you and William bursting out into giggles when you see the light come on in one of the windows. “You have to be quiet,” he whispers, leaning in close like there’s any chance that they could hear you at that volume. “If I have to be quiet then you have to stop saying stupid shit like that,” you argue. “Stupid shit like what?” he asks, his free hand held up to his chest dramatically. “Stupid shit like asking me which of my hands is colder just so you can hold my hand,” you chuckle, your brain starting to see the red lines between this sudden hand holding and Alex’s words earlier. “Stupid shit like pretending that you didn’t hear the whole conversation between me and Alex when you obviously did,” you whisper in a moment of bravery, swallowing hard once the words are out and your heart starts beating in a million miles an hour. He looks down for a second, before turning to look at you - stopping right there in the middle of the street, in the middle of the night. “If what Alex said isn’t true, William - you have to stop doing all these things. I try to seem cool and nonchalant about it all, like you holding my hand or letting me sit in your lap doesn’t make my heart feel like it’s gonna beat itself out of my fucking chest,” you start, letting go of his hand and continue on the journey toward your house - knowing that he would follow you regardless of his feelings towards you. “So if you’re not feeling that, you-you can’t.. I mean, you fucking kissed me on New Year’s Eve and I haven’t stopped replaying it in my mind ever since,” the panic building in your chest starts messing up your words, but you’re interrupted before you can say anything else. “Y/N,” he grabs your hand again, his fingers intertwining with yours without you even having to think about it - it’s just meant to be like that. “I kissed you on New Year’s Eve because I really wanted to kiss you, and I thought that if someone saw or if you didn’t like it, I could just ‘it was a New Year’s kiss and you were the closest girl, sorry’. And there wasn’t a space for you to sit, but that doesn’t mean that I didn’t want you to sit in my lap. I wanted you close to me. And every other situation where I could have sat down somewhere else, could have done something else, I just always end up next to you in some kind of way because I can’t fucking stay away from you,” he explains, his voice is soft and slow. “You know, I wish that I could say that you’re like another little sister to me,” he says, and you look up, meeting his eyes. “But you’re not,” his last words come out as whispers, and he lets go of your hand only to put his hands on your waist and pull you into him. You stand with your bodies pressed together, your faces inches apart for a minute, his eyes flicking between your eyes and your lips. Until he leans in closer, not all the way, but enough to press his forehead against yours and your eyes fall closed. Just a little push up on your toes and your lips would be on his - you just had to find the courage. Your arms rest upon his, your fingers curling around his upper arms. He jerks forward a little bit, his nose side by side with yours and it’s the last little kick you needed to push up on your toes and plant your lips to his in a kiss. One of his arms curls around your waist, pulling you even closer, while his other hand comes up to the side of your face, making its way in between your thick scarf and your skin to hold you to him. Your own hands creep upwards and end up on the back of his neck, your fingers inching their way underneath his beanie and into his hair. His lips move away from yours for just a second, your lips following his like a magnet, before he comes back in with a deeper kiss - his hand sliding back, into your hair. You feel so warm with his hands around you and his lips moving against your lips, the cold air around you long forgotten. At this point you could’ve worn a summer dress and you wouldn’t have been cold.    When you eventually pull away, you are both out of breath. Willy pulls you back in immediately, but in a hug this time, and you both laugh softly - happily. Letting go of his embrace of you, he kisses your cheek once and then your lips once, then twice. “I think we’ve been standing here for like 5 minutes or something,” you giggle, looking around you at the houses around you, only lit up by their porch lights. “Could stand here all night,” he says, his smile just as cheesy as his statement. You roll your eyes at him, but you don’t bother even trying to conceal your smile as you take his hand and pull him with you down the street, only a few minutes from your house. “What? Are you trying to get away from me or something?” he chuckles at your new pace. “I’m dragging you along with me, aren’t I?” you laugh, stopping and turning around to face him - your arms go up to slide around his neck and you pull him down to kiss him again. His own arms circle your waist and after the fourth or fifth kiss - you’re not really sure - he tightens his hold on you and lifts you up. He starts walking and only when you’re a few feet from your driveway, he lets you back down. “Uhm, thanks for the ride?” you joke, making him laugh - but you quickly put your hand over his mouth, suddenly remembering that your parents are asleep - or worse, your mom is awake waiting for you, not being able to sleep until she knows you’re home. You stop on your front porch, dreading saying goodbye. You get up on your toes, your arms sliding back around his neck in a hug, his arms come around you and he pulls you into him. “Mm, now I don’t wanna leave you,” he mumbles into your hair, and warmth spreads through your body. “Mm, I’ll probably come over tomorrow,” you tell him, and you can feel him nodding. “But it won’t be just you and I, then,” he says, pulling back from the hug only to press his lips to yours in a deep kiss. His hand come up to your face, and his lips moves against yours. “We won’t get to do this,” he whispers between kisses, and you hum against his lips. You pull away from each other quickly when you hear the lock turn and the door start to open behind you, your mother appearing behind it. “Oh, hi, William,” she says when she sees him instead of his little brother. “What happened to Alex?” she asks, and you’re preparing to come up with a lie about him staying home and cleaning up or something, but William just straight up tells her the truth. “But we were both very responsible and put him to bed and cleaned up and everything,” he says, and your mom chuckles. “And of course, I didn’t let her go home alone at this hour,” he adds, making your mom’s fondness of the oldest Nylander brother grow even greater. “I am very grateful, William, thank you,” she smiles at him before turning to you. “Are you going to come inside or are you just going to stand out in the cold all night?” she asks, making you laugh. “I was going to come inside, but then you came out and Willy here just had to play this game I like to call ‘how much can I charm Mrs. Y/L/N today?’” you said, making them both laugh, your mom with an embarrassed undertone. “Yeah, yeah, come on in now, it’s nearly 4AM,” she smiles, saying goodbye to Will before leaving – the door still open. You watch as she starts on the stairs up to the second floor, and you quickly hide behind the door, stepping up on your toes to plant one last kiss, or two, on his lips. “Good night,” you smile, and he kisses you one more time before he says the words back to you. “Uhm, text me when you get back. You know, 17 year old boys can be kidnapped, too,” you say, making him throw his head back laughing, potentially waking the neighbors. “Yeah, thank you, now I have to run home,” he chuckles before walking backwards down your driveway, looking at you looking at him, your head sticking out from behind the door – smiling.

March 2014 After coming home and going to bed only minutes before the clock struck 4AM and talking to Willy on the phone until he got back – and then reliving every kiss and every touch between you and Willy until you fell asleep – it was safe to say that you slept in. The numbers on your phone had inched their way past 2PM before you hauled your ass back over to the Nylander house, after having received snapchats from both the brothers – and their mom. You’d woken to a snapchat from Willy who’d woken up and thought that he had dreamt all of last night’s events until he saw the evidence in his phone – a screenshotted snapchat from a friend with you on his lap, and the phone call of 13 minutes at 4AM. Next came the snaps of an hungover Alex, and then the snapchats from Camilla who admired how exceptionally clean her house was after the work you and Willy had done after the party. Camilla grabs you the second you come through the door, kissing your cheek. “You’re a saint, honey,” she exclaims and you laugh. “You can’t give me all the credit,” you chuckle. “I know, I know, I already made sure he knows how thankful I am – he doesn’t let me kiss his cheek anymore, though,” she laughs before letting go of you and pointing you towards the basement where you could find both her sons. “Alex, Y/N is here,” she screams and you start toward the open door leading to the stairs. William meets you halfway down the stairs, only stopping on the step beneath the one you stopped on, his face only inches from yours, his lips in just the right height. “He’s barely awake,” he whispers, quickly glancing behind you before pressing his lips to yours in a short but soft kiss, bringing all the warmth and feelings from last night right back to you. You pull back with a smile, your arms circling around his waist as you step past him, kissing him one more time before you continue down the stairs and Willy up the stairs. “Hey, you sappy piece of shit,” you shout at your best friend before dumping your ass down on the end of the couch. He groans, not even wanting to know why you called him sappy.

April 2014 “Mom and dad are going to bed right now, give me a few minutes,” you text William, who’s standing in your backyard. You wait until you hear both of them go into their room, and then a minute or two more, just in case one of them forgot something, before opening the door in your basement that lead up into the backyard, where Willy was standing. His lips turn up into a smile when he sees you, quickly stepping inside to avoid the cold that still comes around at night during April in Sweden. “Hey,” he whispers as he steps right up into your personal space – personal space that you didn’t mind sharing with him. “Hi,” you whisper back, pushing up on your tippy toes to peck his lips, before walking past him and into your bedroom. You had moved bedrooms a few years ago, from the second floor to the basement where you could have more privacy and more space. You were especially thankful for the extra privacy now. His hands sneak around your waist at the end of the hallway to your bedroom, his jacket and shoes left at the door, and he presses a kiss to your neck that’s so conveniently exposed because of the high bun you’d tied your hair into. You stop with your hand on the doorknob, letting him leave another kiss or two on your neck before you open the door to your low lit, cozy bedroom. You both fall into your bed, your head resting on his bicep while his hand plays with yours. The conversation between the two of you flows freely and easily, the question of Netflix and which movie to put on before you eventually end up with your tongues in each other’s mouths not needed. He asks about your day and you ask him about his, and then he tells you the story of how he managed to sneak out the front door without no one noticing with added dramatics, just how you like it – and you both laugh softly. You launch into a full review (with spoilers) of this book you just finished, and he listens carefully as you tell him about the characters and the little plot twists. He doesn’t really care for romantic novels with feminist undertones, or novels at all, but he still listens, hums and asks questions because he just likes to listen to you talk and get riled up about fiction. He sits up slightly, leaning on his elbow as he listens to you ramble on – his finger moving to an inch of exposed skin between the hem of your t-shirt and the waistband of your sleeping shorts, tracing soft, little circles. He smiles when you finally tell him about the book’s ending and your reactions to it – how you’d thrown it across the room, too angry to even cry about it – and he chuckles, mumbling about how cute that must’ve looked. His hand flattens on your stomach, his entire hand underneath your shirt, and your hand covers his - to  the extent that your considerably smaller hand could. Your hand creeps up his arm before slowly returning back down to his hand. He smiles sweetly, leaning down and leaving a kiss on your lips – a kiss so full of love that it warms your entire body. Your hand slides back up his arm again, fingers circling around his bicep as a way of saying that you want him to keep kissing you. You can feel him smiling against your lips, leaving a few shorter pecks before a longer one, and then a deeper one. He lays down on his side, the arm you’re resting on embracing you, his hand landing on your shoulder and he pulls you into him. Your own hand takes a stride from his arm to his neck, fingers dipping into his thick, blonde locks. As the kiss deepens, his tongue sliding along your lip, his hand on your stomach slides to your hip, pulling your body close to his. The feeling washes over you fast – and it’s not the kind of feeling that easily washes away again. It’s not like the feeling of warmth when he first kissed you, but heat, unbearable heat. Your hand leaves his neck after having had your fingers fisted in his hair, moving to the hem of his sweater instead, your fingers slipping underneath, all the way until your hand is flat on his back, feeling his back muscles work when he shifts against you. You hum against his lip, your hand slipping to his front and feeling his abs and his chest underneath your fingers instead, the need to just feel all of him underneath the tips of your fingers just not stopping. He pushes you up and even closer with the hand underneath you, his lips moving to your neck and making you gasp softly. You wanted his hands all over you, wanted to feel him feeling you –  yet his hands stayed on your back and on your hips. You pushed against him, granting yourself a groan against your neck. A thought struck you… Maybe he didn’t dare touch you anywhere else, scared that it wasn’t something you wanted. After all, with the situation being what it is, your alone time with William had been limited, meaning that you hadn’t had much time to explore each other. You decided to try something new, putting insecurities behind you and pushing him to his back and climbing on top of him to straddle him. His arms immediately wrap around you, but not for the reasons you first thought. Before you can put your weight down on him, he’s pulling you back to your previous spot next to him. “No, no,” he swallows, “you can’t do that,” his last words comes out, his hands retrieving from being wrapped around you to rest on your hip instead. You didn’t know why but it felt like he was keeping you at a distance. “Why?” you ask, your voice a lot weaker than you’d meant for it to be. His eyes shoots open in realization and his hand comes up to the side of your arm, before it quickly moves on to cup your cheek. “No, no, it’s not you, it’s me… uhm, it’s not your fault, or it kinda is your fault but really it’s mine, it’s,” he mumbles, his sudden nerves taking over his ability to form coherent sentences. “You’re not making sense, Willy,” you say, curling your hand around his wrist as his hand is still placed on your cheek. He takes a deep breath before he leans forward, kissing your lips before moving his lips to your forehead and pulling you into him, his arms wrapping around you. “It’s just that you, you mean a lot to me, and I just, I like you so much, and I’m trying really hard to not make you uncomfortable,” he pauses, taking another deep breath. “Because you, you really… you turn me on, like a lot and very easily, and I’m just trying to not make you feel uncomfortable and I don’t want you to feel like you have to do anything that you don’t want to, and I just really want you to feel safe and… comfortable with me,” he finishes, and you wrap your arm around his torso and press your lips to his chest. “There’s no one I feel more safe and comfortable with than you, okay? And I… is this why you don’t touch me?” you ask, the realization hitting you. “I mean, I-I touch you,” he says, trying to avoid where this question was going. “Will, you touch my waist, and my hips, and just, really it’s just places that are so appropriate that you could touch me there while my dad was present,” you say, making him laugh – and you’re glad, because even if it wasn’t your intention, it seemed to loosen him up a bit. “I guess, yeah,” he sighs, “just scared that you won’t like it and that you’ll push me away, and you know, it doesn’t really help my case,” his lips turn up at the last part, and so do yours as well. You pull yourself closer to him and press your lips to his in a deep kiss, and another one following after. “You know, you turn me on, too,” you say, heat rushing to your cheeks, but you smile as you see the blush creeping up his own cheeks. “And even if I don’t feel ready for all that, yet, I still feel really safe and comfortable with you and I really don’t mind that , uhm, that, that you’re turned on as well, because I know that you won’t pressure me, and I really wouldn’t mind if you touched me more,” you tell him, both of you having shy smiles on your lips. “Okay,” he nodded, trying hard to keep his smile from turning into a full blown grin. You stared at each other until your smiles became manageable again, and one of you leaned in to kiss the other again. Only a few kisses before his hand came up to the side of your face and the kiss was deepened, and you fell back into it. Bodies pushing against each other and tongues fighting for dominance. His hand is fisting your hair and you gasp against his lips when his hips roll into yours a little harder than he’d planned and you felt him hard against you for the first time – except for that one time where you’d had your feet in his lap under the blanket during movie night with an unknowing Alex on the other side of the coffee table, and you’d accidentally brushed against his accidental boner with your foot. Will pulled away slightly, and you could tell that he was a little panicky over the fact that you’d felt his obvious arousal against your body. “Don’t, don’t stop,” you whispered, pressing your lips back on his, and his arms tighten around your waist again, holding you to him. The feeling of his hardness against you had sent a wave of need trough your body, stopping between your legs. Your hand found his on your back and wrapped around his wrist, and you, with very little force, guided his hand further down until he found his way to your behind and he pressed you against him. You both moaned into the kiss and his hand slid down your thigh to the back of your knee to pull your leg over his hip, his thigh immediately pushing between yours. And it felt so good that you could barely concentrate on kissing him, and you only wanted more. You used your arm to push yourself on top of him, back to the position you’d tried before your previous conversation started. You started kissing down his neck, while your hands found their way underneath the hem of his shirt, feeling his muscles under your fingers. His own hands roamed your sides, from your thighs to your hips, from your waist to the point where his fingers slightly brushed over the side of your boobs. The action had your hips pushing down onto his, his hardness perfectly positioned under you and pressing into you were you ached the most. “Fuck,” he breathed, pushing his body up into a sitting position. He pressed his lips to yours in an openmouthed kiss, his hands on your bare waist after your t-shirt had bunched up. When you push your fingers into his hair, one of his hands come up to fondle your breast that’s only covered by a thin bralette. You moan into his mouth again, and faster than you can realize what’s happening, you’re flipped around and he’s over you. His hips rolling into yours and his lips finding your jaw, resulting in a moan that’s a little too loud for your liking. Your hand travel down his chest and abs, but it is soon stopped when William’s fingers curl around your wrist. “Fuck, we need to stop,” he curses, his forehead resting against your chest as he tries to calm himself. “I’m sorry, it’s just, my self-control stops at some point,” he mumbles, and you nod. “It’s okay,” you breathe, your hands coming up to soothingly brush through his hair, but he shakes his head and pulls away completely, moving off you and laying down on his back next to you. “You - you can’t touch me,” he says and you nod, trying to focus on calming yourself. “No, sorry, I need to go home,” he starts getting up, careful not to touch you. “No, please don’t go,” you reach out, catching his hand. “Please stay,” you whisper. “I really need to go home and fix this, I’m sorry, baby,” he says, softer this time – still careful with the distance between your bodies. The nickname sends another wave of need crashing in between your legs. “Please, Will, you can’t leave now,” your voice comes out just as needy as you feel, “just… go into my bathroom and… fix it there,” you mumble, your cheeks warming up as you suggest it. “I really need you to stay a little longer,” you add once you can tell that he’s thinking about it, taking a step closer and looking up at him – putting your lips at a close distance to his. To which he lets out a deep breath and presses his lips to yours in a deep kiss before he disappears into your bathroom. You lay there in silence, staring into the ceiling. You couldn’t have stayed still to save your own life, the feeling between your legs too much. You move underneath your duvet with the hopes that the weight of it would help keep you still, but it didn’t – it just made you warmer. You let your hand wander down your torso and in between your legs, just over your shorts, in hope of some relief, but you quickly stop when you hear the bathroom door unlock. Will climbs back into bed and underneath the covers with you, his arms wrapping around you immediately. His lips finds your forehead and you press your body into his, like you wanted to cuddle, but really you wanted him to touch you. You didn’t want to seem too eager, so you softly pressed your lips to his neck like you sometimes would do when you cuddled. But you couldn’t keep it at that, your body craving his – you kissed a trail up his neck. “Babe,” he started, but he stopped when he saw your face and let you kiss him deeply. “Please, I can’t keep still,” you talk against his lips, and he hums back as your lips are already back on his. He lets you lead his hand to where you needed it. You let go of his hand and he lays it flat between your legs, making you gasp against his lips. “Lay back, baby, relax,” he talks, and you do as you’re told – rolling to your back. He kisses you deeper while simultaneously moving his fingers over your heat. Your fingers are fisted in thick blonde locks of hair, and he groans against your mouth as you tighten your grip. You arch your back into him and his fingers move to the band of your shorts. He looks at you for any signs that this isn’t what you want, but you only nod. His fingers disappear into the waistband of both your shorts and your underwear, a curse leaves his lips when he feels your wetness on his fingers. He watches you intensely to see your reactions when he touches you, when his fingers sink into you. He watches as your mouth falls open and your eyes closed, and a fond smile tugs at his lips when you breathe out small moans. Just the fact that Willy had his fingers inside you is enough to push you to the edge of your pending orgasm. His thumb moving in circles over your clit and his lips leaving kisses on your neck had you coming in no time, moans and heavy breaths flowing out of your mouth as your orgasm comes crashing.

May 2014 You find yourself in a very crowded Nylander living room once again. Teenager’s with red solo cups all around you, getting drunk in honor of William’s 18th birthday. You sit stiffly on Alex’s lap, who’d been very clear that you two had to hang out tonight, because you always disappeared during parties, but truly it was him who either tried to win over some girl or got really drunk – or both. And now he was deep in conversation with a friend of his that you barely knew and the conversation that surrounded the topic of some PlayStation game didn’t really interest you either. You found William looking at you from across the room, who smiled at how bored you looked and motioned for you to come to him instead. Alex barely even noticed that you left, his hand that had previously rested on your hip went straight into gesticulating and helping him get to some point about a PlayStation controller. You shake your head at Alex, making Willy laugh as he is still watching you closely. He smiles at you while you make your way over to him, and the couch he’s sitting in could in theory fit another person if Willy scooted closer to the girl on his left but instead he pulled you down onto his lap. His arm slides around your waist and pulls you closer while his other hand lands on your thigh – way higher than acceptable for a younger brother’s best friend but you let him anyway, knowing how much he wants to tell everyone and be able to kiss you, or hold your hand, or cuddle you whenever he wants, no matter who’s around. Knowing how he sometimes forgets that he can’t do those things because it just feels so natural. The girl next to Willy looks at you weird, eyeing his hand on your thigh. You try to act indifferent to her stare, turning your head and whispering in his ear. “Maybe move your hand a little further down towards my knee, your friend is looking at us weird,” you speak as quietly as you could before looking away again, to not make it obvious that you were whispering in his ear. He tilts his head to the side while looking at you, and you quickly grab his wrist to keep him from doing the exact opposite. Based on the smirk tugging at his lips and the smell of alcohol on his breath, you knew he wasn’t going to listen. The girl next to you is also smirking when the two of you start giggling – you desperately trying to push his hand away from you. You give her a look, a beg for her not to say anything and she smiles reassuringly back at you. William settles after a while, his hand a little further down, but not really far enough – but you let it go. It’s his birthday, after all. “Hey, I’m gonna go get another drink, come with me?” he asks you, and you nod, getting up and leading the way. When you get to the crowded kitchen, he takes your hand in his and pulls you out the door and into the backyard instead. “I thought you were getting a drink?” you question him, letting him lead you further away from the house. “Mm, no, I just thought that whispering ‘hey wanna go make out’ and make you blush before dragging you out of the house would maybe look a little suspicious,” he tells you with a smug smile on his lips. “See, you’re blushing just from me saying that,” he laughs, letting go of your hand and poking at your red cheeks. You playfully roll your eyes and throw your arms around his neck, to which he wraps his arms around your waist and pulls you into him – just enough for your feet to leave the ground. 

His lips are pressed against yours, your feet hit the ground and you’re trapped between the wall behind you and his body. You giggle into the kiss and you can feel him smiling against your lips, a quiet hush leaving his. You get lost in his kisses, your fingers deep in his hair. His hands are on your waist, holding your body to his. Soon your tongues are sliding against each other and you’re both breathing heavily into each other’s mouths. His hips press into yours and you whimper through the kiss. One of his hands comes down to your behind, feeling you up while simultaneously pulling you closer and pressing his thigh in between yours, making a full moan roll from your tongue. He pulls his lips from yours, moving on to your neck. And somewhere between faded dance music from inside, utter bliss and lust, a thought pops into your mind. “Do you think we could sneak into your room without anyone noticing us?” you ask, your voice playful and airy. Will’s head comes up quickly, looking at you suspiciously. “What? Why?” he questions you, and your lips turn up into a wide smile. “Just wanna give you your gift in private,” you shrug, and a smile tugs at William’s lips, even if he still looks confused. “But you already gave me a gift,” he states, meaning the Crosby jersey that you and Alex had scraped your pennies together to get him. “Yeah, but this one is just from me,” you tell him, and he smiles through the blush that creeps up his cheeks. And you almost blush just from seeing his cute reaction. You stand up on your toes and kiss him deeply before you send him on his way. “You go first and I’ll be there in like five minutes,” you tell him. You wait outside for a minute or two, but then go inside to mill around for another couple of minutes just to not look like you’re going up the stairs with an agenda. Of course, you run into Alex who wonders where you’ve been. You tell him you’ve been in the bathroom with Jessica, and he believes you immediately, knowing how many times you and Jessica had snuck away for 20-30 minutes, hiding in the bathroom at birthdays, dinners and other get togethers. “And now I kinda have to go to the toilet again, alcohol just runs straight through me,” you lie, barely having had a cup of alcohol. He laughs and lets you go. You run upstairs, where the partygoers weren’t allowed to go – but having grown up with your mom being best friends with Camilla, you were hardly a guest anymore. “Took your sweet time,” William teases when you come through his bedroom door. “Ran into Alex,” you explain as you close the door behind you, locking it. “How’d you get out of that one?” he asks, his head rested against the wall behind his bed. “Told him I’d been in the bathroom with Jessica. I don’t even know if she’s here,” you chuckle, climbing into his lap – straddling him. “She’s here,” he smiles, taking your hands in his. “Good,” you breathe, leaning forward and pressing your lips to his in an immediately deep kiss. His hands finds their way to your back, underneath your blouse. Your own arms are circling his neck and pulling him up until he’s fully sitting, his body flush against yours. It never took long for your kisses to turn heated, but knowing that you didn’t have all the time in the world, you pushed your chest into his and kissed him harder as you pushed your fingers into his hair with a heavy hand – just like you knew always turned him on. He moaned into your mouth and you grinded your hips into his lap, granting yourself another one of his moans. “Did you just wanna lure me into my bed or what?” he breathes as you make your way down his neck with kisses. “Fooling me with a gift,” he jokes through his labored breath. “You’re getting a gift. Just shut up and take your shirt off,” you demand, a smirk tugging at your lips when you see his surprised but lustful look. He mumbles a curse but quickly gets his shirt off, throwing it to the floor. You don’t let yourself get distracted by his shirtless torso, just lift your hands into the air, nodding when he looks you in the eyes as to ask if you’re sure. He pulls your blouse over your head, letting it fall next to his shirt. His hands comes back to your waist immediately, feeling your soft skin underneath the tips of his fingers. You’re glad that you thought long enough to put on the nicest bra that you owned, black and a little bit lacy – even if you hadn’t planned this. His thumbs are creeping up to the sides of your bra and you lean back in, kissing him as a distraction while your hands finds the clasp on your back. You pull back from the kiss to make sure he’s watching when your bra falls from your chest, straps sliding down your shoulders. “Fuck, you’re so beautiful,” he breathes, his eyes switching between looking you in your eyes and your chest – a part of you that he hadn’t seen before. He rushed his lips to yours, kissing you hard and deep as one of his hands comes up to cup your boob. “Is this my gift?” he smiles against your lips, and you can’t keep your lips from turning into one as well. “No, it’s not,” you say before pressing into him again with both your lips and your chest. 

You let him kiss all over your chest, both enjoying the feeling of his lips on your skin and the effect it has on him. As he starts kissing his way back up to your lips again, you let your hand trail down his torso, until you’re pushing it between your bodies, laying your hand flat over his bulge. His hand is softly, halfheartedly, wrapping around your wrist immediately. “Babe, you know you can’t do that,” he talks through lust, through the voice in his head telling him to just let you and give in to the pleasure. “I’ll take care of it, I’ll take care of you,” you whisper, your forehead pressed against his. “What?” his eyes shoot open. “Let me take care of you,” you say, pressing your lips to his before he can say anything else. He seems hesitant but lets go of your wrist, moaning into your mouth when you apply more pressure to his arousal. You shift your weight to your knees instead of his lap, giving yourself more room to stroke him over his jeans. You move your fingers to the waistline of said jeans, opening the button and sliding down the zipper. You manage to fit your hand between the tight fabric and his bulge, stroking him and enjoying the groans and moans escaping his throat. He suddenly moves his legs over the edge of the bed, moving his hands to the back of your thighs and standing up with you in his arms. Your hands come up to his shoulders. “I just wanna say something before this goes any further,” he tells you, eyes locking with yours. “Okay,” you nod. “I’ve been wanting to say it for a while, and I just feel like,” he starts, but it seems like he’s getting distracted – leaning in to kiss you instead. “I – I love you. Fuck, I wasn’t just gonna burst it out like that, I - ,” he rambles on, lost in his head and not noticing your uncontrollable smile. You place your hands on each side of his face, making him look at you. “I love you, too,” you tell him, and a smile spreads on his lips as well. “You do?” he asks, smile so wide that he can barely talk. “Mm, I’ve been in love with you a lot longer than I’d like to admit,” you tell him, smiling in to the kiss you’re placing on his lips. A couple more kisses and his tongue is once again playing with yours. His hands sliding up to your back as he lets you back down, your feet landing steadily on the floor. You let one of your hands slide from the back of his neck and down his torso until they land on the waistline of his open jeans. You use both hands to pull them down his thighs, revealing his white boxers with the small, wet spot on their front. He moans into your mouth when you put your hands on him again, stroking your hand over his bulge. You pull back from his lips, standing up on your toes and placing your mouth close to his ear as you hook your fingers into the band of his boxers. “Now, you have to tell me if I’m doing something wrong, or if you don’t like it. Guide me,” you whisper, and he nods, his head pressed against your shoulder – his heavy breaths causing your skin to tingle. You stand with your feet flat on the ground again, your forehead leaning on his chest as you look down, pulling his boxers down to meet his jeans again, watching as his hard member springs free. He gasps as you take his erection into your hand. You place a kiss on his chest as you start moving your hand, leaving another on his neck. His fingers creep up into your hair and he turns his head to find your lips through labored breaths. His kisses are desperate and lustful, moans and groans vibrating against your lips. One of his hands slides down your back and to your ass before he lets his fingers slide between your legs, making you moan into the kiss – making you a little weaker in the knees. “Stop, this is about you,” you whisper against his mouth. You move on to kiss his neck, making a trail down to his collarbone and his chest and then falling to your knees. You look up to see William’s mouth fall open, his chest rising and falling rapidly. “Oh babe, you don’t have to…,” he pants, his hand coming down to cup your jaw. “I want to,” you breathe, “do you want me to?” you add, watching him as he struggles to find words, fighting with himself. “Yeah,” he eventually lets it roll of his tongue. “Just tell me if I’m doing something wrong or, or something you don’t like,” you tell him, and he nods. You take him into your mouth, keeping your hand around his shaft – your other hand on his thigh to keep yourself steady. His hands comes down to your head, gathering all your hair in his fingers to keep it from getting in your eyes as you start bobbing your head, going a little faster – his groans and heavy breaths urging you on. It doesn’t take long before his grip in your hair is tightening, and you press your thighs together at the thought of making him cum for the first time. You look up through your lashes, finding him with his head tipped back, his mouth open and panting. You push your tongue harder to his shaft, watching as his head falls forward again, his eyes clenched together as he curses. “Fuck, babe, I’m gonna come,” he groans, his eyes opening and immediately meeting yours – to which he curses again. You lead his member out of your mouth with one last lick of your tongue, only using your hands to help him to his climax, letting him cum all over your chest as he pulses in your hand. You take the scrunchie on your wrist and relieve William of his self-imposed make shift ponytail duties to make sure your hair don’t fall into the sticky liquid on your skin, before letting him take your hands in his to help you to your feet. He curses through his slowly calming breath, leaning his forehead to yours. “You’re so fucking amazing,” he breathes, leaning in to kiss you deeply, his hand coming up to cup your jaw. “I just, I want you to know that I am definitely not just saying this because you just gave me a blowjob, but I fucking love you, so much,” he says sincerely and kisses you again, making you chuckle against his lips. “I know, and I love you, too, so, so much,” you tell him, kissing the side of his mouth when he smiles just as wide as yourself. “Let’s get you cleaned up,” he says, quickly pulling up his pants and underwear again. “Uhm, I, for absolutely no reason at all, have a roll of toilet paper in my nightstand,” he laughs, blush creeping up his neck as he comes back to you with the roll in his hands. “I just had your dick in my mouth, you don’t need to blush, Will,” you laugh, making his cheeks even redder. “Also, you’re wiping your cum of my boobs, so, I don’t think you need to be embarrassed of your toilet paper roll,” you add, making him throw his head back laughing. “You’re so foul-mouthed,” he shakes his head laughing. “I kinda just want to stay locked in here with you all night,” he says, as he’s wiped it all off and thrown the used paper in his bin. “I wish,” you breathe, stepping closer to him and pressing your still naked chests to each other’s as you slide your arms around his neck. His hands comes back down to the back of your thighs and he lifts you up, letting you hook your legs around his hips. “So, uhm, did you like your extra birthday gift?” you ask, your fingers tangling in blonde hair. “Yeah,” he smiles, leaning in to kiss you again. “So much better than I imagined it,” he whispers, his lips so close to yours that you could feel them moving. You pull back with red cheeks and a smirk. “You’ve imagined it?” you ask, biting your lip as you watch him fight the blush. “More times than I’d like to admit,” he chuckles, repeating your words from earlier. After talking yourself out of staying in his room all night, you finally leave his room with your blouse carefully tucked back into your jeans and your hair back down around your shoulders. You come down the stairs and immediately spot Alex, deciding to jump on his back and give him the attention he’s probably gonna claim he’s not getting, before he points out that you’ve been ‘in the bathroom’ the last 40 minutes. Alex takes an ungracious pirouette, swinging you around, making it possible for you to catch William’s eyes as he comes down the stairs, your smile spreading to twice its size – his own spreading as well, mouthing the three words he’s been wanting to tell you for far too long. “I love you,” June 2014 You come up the stairs from the Nylander’s cellar after having spent most of the day with Alex watching serial killer documentaries on Netflix, about to go home for dinner. William joins you in the hallway, whispering plans of sneaking out to come see you later that night while you put on your shoes. You step outside, Will’s head sticking out from inside and pressing his lips to yours, his hand coming up to your neck to hold you to him as he kisses you, before telling you he loves you and letting you walk home with a warm feeling in your chest – your head spinning with terrible ideas on how to break the news to your best friend that you’re dating his older brother. That you’re in love with William. Around 8PM, someone’s at the door – but you’re comfortable on the couch, on your tenth level of Candy Crush in a row – so you just shut up and let your mom deal with it. You immediately recognize Camilla’s voice as she and your mom goes into the kitchen, you hear them giggling about drinking wine on a Thursday night and you decide to just shut your ears and ignore them. Candy crush and ignoring yapping between middle-aged women is long forgotten when you hear Camilla’s hushed voice ask for you, though. “No, she’s in her room, I think. Do you want me to go get her?” your mother asks, and Camilla quickly says no. Candy crush is officially forgotten and you try to push every guilty feeling of listening in on something you shouldn’t be listening to, to the back of your mind. “So, I think our kids are dating,” Camilla almost sounds nervous when she says it, and you have to clamp your hand over your mouth in order to keep yourself from cursing out loud. “What? Y/N and Alex?” your mother exclaims and you can’t help but roll your eyes that she would even think that. Camilla is silent for a second, and you’re guessing she’s taking a deep breath or shaking her head – or maybe both. “No, William,” she corrects your mother. “Michael was coming home from work and stopped to get the mail and I guess he saw them as Y/N was leaving our house. He said William leaned out the door and they kissed… and from that I’m guessing that Alex doesn’t know either,” she added, and you cursed yourself for not noticing Michael. “They know about us. Your dad saw us kissing and Camilla is over here telling my mom right now,” you quickly texted Willy, taking a deep breath before getting up and inserting yourself to the conversation in the kitchen. “Fuck, he was acting really weird when he came home. What are they saying?” he texted you back. You quickly texted him back that you were gonna go talk to them to make sure that they don’t get anything wrong and that you’d call him later. “I’m not in my room and I’m sorry for listening in on your conversation,” you say as you turn up in the doorway to the kitchen. Your mother still looks to be in shock, but Camilla smiles at you, motioning for you to come sit down. “So, you and William?” Camilla starts, her voice is soft and calming, her hand comes up to your shoulder as if to make you feel like you can talk freely. “Yeah,” you try to keep it from happening, but you can’t possibly keep the corners of your mouth from turning up and your cheeks from blushing, your hands immediately coming up to cover your face. “I’m sorry for not telling you guys, it’s just, like you guessed, Alex doesn’t know and I – we have no idea how to tell him, and I really don’t want him to hate me. Also I’m scared of what you’re going to say… age gap and all,” you told them. Camilla’s hand is still on your back, moving in soothing circles. “It’s okay, Y/N. And Alex will get over it, I’m sure of it. And I’m not mad,” she tells you, and you both look over at your mom who looks to be deep in thought. “How long has this been going on?” she asks, she sounds calm but you’re not sure. “I guess it really started in March, after Alex’s birthday,” you told them, and you could almost see the lightbulb lighting up above her head. “Yeah, that makes sense,” she says, and she tells Camilla about that night when you and Willy had been talking (or kissing) on your porch and she’d come out. Her stare softens when she looks at you next. “I guess, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. You’ve been in love with him for long time, haven’t you?” she states, making your cheeks flare up and your lips tug upwards again. “Think I’ve might’ve had a crush on him since I was thirteen,” you mumble, to which they both smile. 

“I always thought that, you know, Will’s got a lot of younger siblings, thought that he was just looking out for you, that he was just doing his ‘older brother’ thing,” Camilla says, making your cheeks feel even hotter. “I mean, you’ve been around longer than his actual little sisters,” she laughs, taking a sip of her wine. “But I’ve also had my doubts sometimes, I think I’ve picked up on a fair share of flirting over the last year – and Alex’s eye-rolling,” “Why’s Alex rolling his eyes?” your dad emerges from the hallway, making all three of you silent, not knowing what to say. “Uhm, Y/N has a boyfriend,” your mom tells him. “What? Alex?” his eyes shoot your way, horrified. “No, dad. It’s William,” you tell him, looking down in fear of what’s he’s going to say to his daughter dating someone who’s two years older. “Oh, thank God it’s not Alex,” he exclaims dramatically, sitting down in the chair across for you, making you and your mom burst out laughing while Camilla sits gaping next to you. “Dad!” you scold him, and he shrugs. “I’m sorry, Camilla, but if it helps, it’s a huge compliment to your other son. Will’s a lot more polite, more of a gentleman,” he says, to which Camilla shakes her head laughing, your mother doing the same thing. “Wait, so you’re not mad?” you ask him, shocked by his reaction. “I mean, I would prefer if you stayed away from boys for a few more years, but I trust Willy, he’s a good guy – and I’ve seen how smiley and giggly you two get around each other, so it’s not really a shock either,” he shrugs, getting back up to find himself something to eat, leaving you, your mother and Camilla to stare it each other in shock. “We’re good. They’re not mad and my dad doesn’t want to kill you, like not even a little bit,” you texted Willy once Camilla left, half an hour later. “Good. I talked to my dad about it and he gave me the fucking talk…” he texted you back a few minutes later, making you chuckle to yourself as you pictured how absolutely awkward that must’ve been. Before you can reply to his text, another chimes in, making your phone vibrate in your hand. “TBH I’ve been more nervous about Alex wanting to kill me than your dad,”  

July 2014 William meets you in the hallway when you come through the door at the Nylander house. You had made plans with Alex to watch a movie after dinner, while simultaneously having planned with Willy that he was going to join the two of you. Other than Camilla cleaning up in the kitchen, there are no one around and the coast is clear – William leans in and plants his lips on yours, his arms sliding around your waist and lifting you off the floor as he kisses you. You quickly pull back when you hear Alex’s harsh words, your sock clad feet hitting the floor as William lets go of you. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” he spits the words like their venom. At least that’s what it feels like to you. He turns around in his spot, half way down the stairs, and storms back up – two steps at the time - and all the guilt you have ever felt about not telling him about your relationship with his brother gathers up into a big ball in your throat, making it hard to breathe as you run after him, begging him to wait for you. “Alex, can you please just let me in so we can talk?” you beg him, trying to open his locked bedroom door. The door flies open and you almost fall forward and into the room at the shock, but the bigger shock is Alex’s words as he shouts them right at you. “Do not fucking talk to me right now,” he yells, before his eyes shifts to behind you, where William has followed you. “And you can stay the fuck away, don’t you even try!” And then the door is smacked in your face. You can’t help but let the tears spill, all your guilt and regret coming out as salty liquid. Will’s arms are around you immediately, and you cry into his chest as his hands move in soothing circles on your back. He leads you down stairs and lets you curl up in his lap, whispering that everything will be alright, that he’ll come around, until you calm down. Camilla comes and sits down next to you, placing a reassuring hand on your leg. “Hey, what happened?” she asks, obviously having heard Alex’s screaming and your begging. “He saw us,” you breathed, “we should’ve just told him right away,” you let another tear fall down your cheek. Will’s hand comes up to cup your cheek, his thumb catching the tear and wiping it away. “It probably would have been easier, yeah, but he won’t be mad at you forever,” she tells you, and William nods at her words, letting his fingers comb through your hair. “He’ll probably be mad at Will for a week, but he can’t stay mad at you for long, I know that,” As if on cue, you can hear Alex unlock and open his door upstairs, and you all know what it means. Will kisses your forehead before he lets go of his embrace on you, letting you climb out of his lap and make your way upstairs. Camilla whispering a good luck and staying behind with her son, while you head towards what you’re guessing will be the worst fight between you and Alex ever. You lean against the doorway into his room, scared that you’d make him more mad by just bursting in – even if it obviously was opened for you. “Are you just going to stand there or are you actually going to try and make me less mad about the fact that you’re sucking face with my brother?” he says, angrily, barely looking up at you as you close the door behind you and take the safe route of sitting down in his desk chair and curling your legs up under you, instead of sitting down in his bed with him. “I’m so sorry that I haven’t told you, I know we should have just told you right away but I was so scared of your reaction that I just kept putting it off,” you start off, noticing how he rolls his eyes when you say ‘we’. You swallow hard to desperately try to keep the tears at bay. “Why are you even dating him in the first place? It’s not fucking okay,” he spits, his words hitting you like a door in the face. “Alex, it’s not like you don’t know that I have feelings for him, and vice versa,” you try to keep the conversation calm, at least on your part. “No, I don’t. You have never said anything about having feelings for him, and he has never said anything about having feeling for you,” you can hear the anger behind every word. “No, I have never told you, but I know you know, Alex. On your birthday, you probably don’t remember because of how drunk you were, but after you screamed at us for everyone to hear how bad of a best friend I was and how bad of brother he was, for.. for letting me sit in his lap when there were no open seats, I put your drunken ass to bed and you told me that you were sorry for screaming at us and that you thought he was in love with me. And that I was in love with him. That you just didn’t want me to forget about you, which I never will. And you can’t tell me that that was just something you came up with while you were drunk, cause that would be bullshit,” you tell him, feeling your own anger bubble to the surface. He could be mad at you as much as he wanted, but saying that he didn’t know about the feelings between you and William, just because none of you had ever said the words to his face, was just stupid. “You wouldn’t have been rolling your eyes at us every time Willy as much as tries to sit next to me for all these years if you didn’t know that there was something behind it,” He’s silent for a while, and you know it’s because he’s out of arguments. “What happened to always telling each other the truth, huh?” he huffs, using the decade old promise against you – a promise between two kids who had no idea what life had planned for them, that had no idea that not being the same gender would make things harder for their friendship in their teenage years. “Yeah, we swore to always be honest with each other, but that was when we were kids, Alex, when we were 6 years old. At some point I realized that there are some things that you just don’t tell your best friend when that best friend is a boy. Like when I got my period - God, how many lies I came up with when I was bleeding out of my freaking vagina, and in pain for something that you wouldn’t understand at 12 years old. And same goes for developing a huge crush on your fucking older brother. Fuck, Alex, I’ve been in love with Will since I was like 14,” you can’t help but let your voice raise, your hopes of staying calm long gone – your tears threatening to spill after every word you said.    “It still doesn’t fucking make it okay. I don’t care if you’re in love. You went behind my back. You, my best friend, and my god damn big brother went behind my back. You lied to me. You didn’t tell the truth. If you think that you can come crying to me when he hurts you, when he breaks your heart, you thought fucking wrong,” he screams now, furious, and your tears finally come crashing down your cheeks. “You’re supposed to be the brother that I never got, you’re supposed to be protective of me,” you cry. “You should be happy that it’s your brother, whom you love and trust, that I know you look up to, so much. You should be happy that it isn’t some other guy that’ll hurt me. You know that Willy wouldn’t hurt me, you know it as well as I do. God, even my dad accepts it, that someone two years older is dating his little girl, because it’s Will, and only because it’s him,” you dry your tears with the back of your hand, the light grey of your hoodie turning dark when it slides over your wet cheeks. “Yeah, it fucking sucks that we didn’t tell you, and I’m fucking sorry. You can scream at me as much as you want, but I love him and I love you. You’re always gonna be my best friend, Alex, and I’m always gonna be yours, so fucking grow up and deal with it,” your last words are calm and steady, even with rivers of tears running down your cheeks, and you get up from your chair and you leave his room, closing the door behind you. You dry more tears on your sleeve when you walk back down the stairs, meeting Michael at the end, who meets you with open arms and a warm hug. He’d come home with the girls while you were up there, and immediately heard the screaming of his youngest son upstairs while simultaneously having seen the grave look on his oldest. Behind Michael, William is telling his younger sisters, who looks to have a far better reaction than Alex. And you can’t help but smile when Daniella wraps her arms around your torso, not reaching higher at just eight years old, and tells you that she thinks it’s really cool that you are dating her big brother. William is still sat on the couch, now sideways, and he pulls you closer to sit between his legs when you sit down next to him. You fill him in on the parts of the conversation that couldn’t be heard, like what you’d said. He’s got his fingers running through your hair, his lips touching your temple every now and then – and despite the fact that your best friend is upstairs more angry with you and his brother than ever before – it feels nice, finally being able to just be you and William without having to hide away. To be able to have more than a platonic arm around your shoulders, while his family roams around you, going on with their day. And it doesn’t take long before you’re asleep with your head rested on his chest and his arms around you. You’re woken up by the sound of William talking, and you quickly realize that he’s on the phone – on your phone. “Yeah, she woke up now. I’ll follow her home, yeah. Bye,” he ends the call. “Hey, you feeling better?” he asks, and you nod, happy that you’ve managed to sleep away the headache that came with the screaming and crying. “Your mom called, she wants you to come home,” he informs you, even if you already kind of gathered that information. He holds your hand all the way home, either that or his arm is around your shoulders, keeping you safely tucked into him. “I told your mom about the Alex situation,” he tells you. “Yeah?” you look up at him from your spot under his arm. “Yeah, I guess she could hear that I was kinda worried about you, so I just told her what happened, in short. That you fought and that you cried a lot, I mean, she’ll see that the second she sees you,” he informs you. “Oh, God, I look awful, don’t I?” you whine, pressing your cheek into his chest. “Hey, no, you do not look awful. You look just as beautiful as you always do. I’m just saying that I can see that you’ve been crying, and your mother will definitely see that,” he says, sincerely. He stops, his hand coming up to cup your cheek while he looks at you with eyes that demands that you meet his gaze. “I love you,” he whispers, not letting you say it back before he presses his lips to yours in a sweet but long kiss. “I love you, too,” you speak against his lips before kissing him again, pouring the overwhelming love you feel for him into the kiss. “Even though this really fucking sucks, I also feel like there’s a weight lifted off my shoulders. And I am really glad that we can finally just be us. Like, if Alex comes out of his room now and finds out that you’re following me home, he’ll probably be mad about it, but at least he won’t think that it’s weird. I’m just happy that we don’t have to hide from everyone anymore,” you tell him,  and he nods at your words, pulling you in with the hand that is holding yours and pressing a kiss to your temple. “I don’t have to pull you out of the house or look around the room to see who’s around to kiss you anymore,” he smiles, ducking down to catch your lips. He kisses you deeply on the porch before you enter your house, your mom meeting you in the hallway when she hears you come inside. Her expression softens when she sees you, blood shot eyes and red cheeks, and she pulls you into a hug. She also gives William a hug before she leaves the two of you to say goodbye. “I’ll call you before I go to bed, yeah?” he says and you nod, leaning up and pressing your lips to his. “You’re a really good boyfriend, you know that?” you whisper as you move from the kiss and into a tight hug. “I try my best. And also it’s just really easy with you,” he whispers back, and you can feel the first genuine smile spread on your lips since he met you in the hallway hours ago. Another kiss and another I love you and he’s on his way back home again.    “Camilla called after I spoke to William on the phone,” your mom tells you when you come into the living room. “She filled me in on what happened, a little more than Willy did. And she also told me that she thinks you and William seem really good together, that she thought that he handled it all really well and that he was really good to you,” she smiles as she tells you this, and a warm feeling fills your chest. “He is really good to me, mom, he really is. He makes me so happy, and he loves me, and I just hope that Alex can see that, too,” you say, laying down with your head in her lap so that she could draw her fingers through your hair. “He will. I know he will, honey,” she reassures you. An hour or so later, you’re tucked into bed with Willy on the phone. It has become routine, calling every night before you go to sleep. “You know, we can finally go out on a date now,” Willy says, and you can tell from the way he sounds that he’s smiling, making you smile as well. “Yeah, I know, we co- Hold on, I just got a text from Alex,” you interrupt yourself when you see the little banner with his name on it on top of your screen. “What? Seriously? I haven’t seen him since, you know, he saw us,” he sounds as surprised as you are. “Yeah, uhm, I guess I gotta go, he’s here,” you tell him, getting up from bed and throwing on a hoodie. “Oh, really? Text me after, I’ll probably be awake,” he rounds off the phone call while you send Alex a text that you’ll be right out. “Yeah. I’m just gonna say good night anyway, love you,” and you end the call once he’s repeated the words back to you and wished you good luck. You swallow hard before opening the door to Alex. You’d never opened that door for Alex in the night, it had always just been his brother. “I’m sorry,” he bursts out before you can say as much as hello. “I’m sorry, too,” you say it right back, and his arms are around you pulling you in for a tight hug. “Come in, let’s talk, yeah?” you say once you’ve pulled back from the hug, stepping aside to let him come in. You both settle into your bed, yourself with the comforter over your bare legs. “Can I just talk?” he asks, looking at you by his side. You nod, swallowing all the ‘I’m sorrys and explanations you had prepared for the moment he wanted to talk to you again. “I’m sorry that I screamed at you, I shouldn’t have,” he started. And you wanted to say that he had every right to be mad but you desperately fought the words forming on your tongue, to let him speak his mind. “Of course I know that you’re in love with Will, and it’s even more obvious that he’s in love with you – I just… It just hurt my feelings that you didn’t tell me, you and him both.” You choke back more feelings of regret and guilt, blinking back the tears that wants out just from the thought of having hurt your best friend’s feelings.  Meanwhile he’s pulling his knees up under his chin, looking straight ahead, out into your bedroom. “You’re right in everything that you said today. I was just being immature and irrational because I was hurt and my fear finally came true,” he says, and you can’t help but talk, even if just for one word. “Fear?” you ask. “Yeah, I don’t know what else to call it. I’ve always known that the day would come when you’ll be his and not mine anymore, when he’ll be your first priority and not me, when my mom will introduce you as William’s girlfriend and not Alex’s best friend. I knew the day would come, but I guess I didn’t think it would come so fast. I’m not ready to lose you yet.” “You’ll never lose me, Alex,” you whisper, letting a silent tear fall down your cheek, as you reach out and lay your hand on his arm. His hand covers yours. “I know, I know,” he whispers back. “I know I won’t actually lose you, but you and me both know that things will be different,” he looks over at you, and you nod, your lower lip between your teeth. Things would change, but the fact that Alex is your best friend would never. “I completely understand that it was difficult to tell me. It downed upon me earlier that you have never told me about a crush, never said a word about some boy you liked, even if I’ve told you about every single one of my crushes – and it makes sense now because it’s been Will for as long as crushes has been a thing for you. Because, obviously, you could have told me about your crushes. But it would have been weird because your crush has always been my older brother,” he talks freely, every bit of anger in his voice from earlier gone. “I understand that I haven’t made it easy, with my eye-rolling and, apparently, drunk screaming. And I most likely would have been immature and made gagging noises and rolled my eyes until they nearly fell out if you did tell me, but I do wish that you would have just told me from the start. So that I could have been a part of it, if that makes sense? Because from the looks of what I saw earlier today, this has been going on for quite some time?” he ends his speech with a question, but it doesn’t look like he’s done quite yet. Your eyes meet his, and his expression softens. “I guess I just want your complete honesty from now on,” he finishes and it’s your cue to start talking. “It all started on the night of your birthday,” you took a deep breath before launching into your long explanation. “And I know that that is a hell of a long time to keep it from you, and I don’t have a valid excuse for that, other than I was scared. But, you know, over the last year he’s been flirting with me a lot, and I didn’t really understand that that’s what it was until that night,” you tell him, along with the full story of what really happened at his birthday party and the conversation you had in his bedroom that night. “On our way home, I confronted him about it, because he had obviously heard what you said, and I told him how it affected me when he would do things like let me sit in his lap, because of how stupidly in love with him I was. I am. He also kissed me on new year’s eve without anyone noticing, and other than a few texts that same night, he’d never said a word about it. And I obviously never forgot.” Alex listened intently, small expressions like humming and his eyebrows lifting as reactions to your words. “So he told me about his feelings for me and we ki- you don’t wanna hear about this,” you interrupted yourself, to which Alex shook his head and chuckled. “Well, it’s all gone slowly from there, because we obviously haven’t had the opportunity to spend a lot of time together, alone, with the situation being what it is. When we have spent time together, it’s been sneaking away at parties or him sneaking out of the house after everyone’s gone to bed, you know. And our parents found out just a couple of weeks ago, because your dad saw us kissing when we thought no one was around,” you tell him, and he nods, taking it all in.    He scoots closer, laying his arm over your shoulders and letting you lean into him. “That reminds of something you said today. You said that even your dad accepts it, because it’s Will. And I said some absolute bullshit about him breaking your heart and that you can’t come to me crying, and again, you’re completely right… I don’t think that will happen, but against my strong beliefs, if something does happen, I’ll always be your best friend and I’ll always be there for you, and if I need to, I know I can knock him out,” he says, and you can tell he’s smirking at the last part and you finally let a laugh roll off your tongue. You both fall silent after that, finally feeling calm with Alex’s arm around you and with the words of his forgiveness still echoing in your ears. “Are you going to forgive Will as well?” you whisper, thinking about their mother’s words from earlier, how she’d said that Alex couldn’t stay mad at you for long but that it would take longer with William. “I’ll probably give him the silent treatment for a week,” he says matter of factly, and you can’t help but burst out laughing. “What?” Alex asks, looking down at you, under his arm. “It’s just, that’s exactly what your mother predicted,” you explained, and a smile tugged at his lips. “Fuck, that woman knows me to well,” he jokes and you burst out laughing again. And it felt good laughing again, in a way that only your best friend knew how to make you laugh. “Now I can’t do that. The question is; Do I outdo myself and give him the silent treatment for two weeks? Or do I just forgive him right away so that my mother thinks better of me,” he thinks out loud. “I think you should forgive him right away,” you say after a while. “But I don’t want to,” he whines, but you know he means it. “If someone deserves to be forgiven right away, it’s him. Not me. If it was up to him we would have told you after a week,” you said, releasing a deep breath. You can sense that he’s tensing up, but his arm stays around you. “Why?” he asks, and you take another deep breath. “First of all, I was really scared of what your reaction would be. You know, with the eye-rolling and all that. Also, when you screamed at us on the night of your birthday party, you said that Will had been trying to steal me away from you for years, and I couldn’t help but think that it was how you really felt. But I also wanted to see if it would work out between me and Will before I said anything to anyone,” you told him. “What? Did you not think it would work out? You’re best friends and you’ve known him all your life. And you’ve been in love with him for years, right? It’s kinda disgusting but it’s obvious that you’re like meant to be or whatever,” he said, so low that it could be categorized as whispering. “I never doubted my own feelings, or our friendship. I just couldn’t believe that he was in love with me. But he proved me wrong,” you finished, leaning more into Alex, who stayed quiet. “I forgive you, and I’ll forgive him, too, I promise. But not until tomorrow, at like 4 o’clock,” he says after a while of silence. He manages to get you smiling again, even if you were worried that he would get angry at you again. “Thank you, Alex,” you breathe, your arm moving around his waist and you hug him to you. “Yeah, yeah, just no making out around me and no details that I definitely don’t need, okay?” he chuckles, and you do the same. “Deal,” you tell him, securing the promise with a pinky swear. “Now, I’m gonna go home before you fall asleep on me and I end up sitting here all night with a dead arm, okay?” he tells you, smiling. You roll your eyes at him as he gets up from the bed. “Dead arms and force-cuddling is now reserved for my brother, thank you very much,” he smirks and earns a pillow to the head for the comment. “Excuse me, you like my cuddles,” you tell him as you follow him out of your room. “You’ll see. You’re going to miss them when you’re not getting any,” you add on once he starts shaking his head. It’s all forgotten, though, when he hugs you and tells that he loves you – and good night.

August 2014 Going to the lake with your friends was one of your absolute favorite summer activities. After a period with some not-so-sunny and not-so-hot days, the sun was finally out again and the temperature was back to being excruciatingly hot, which meant that every teenager in Sweden was on their way to the closest body of water. It was the first time that you and William would go out with your group of friends as a couple and it was fair to say that you were a little bit nervous. You were ready with your bikini on, covered by a pair of denim shorts and a t-shirt, when Alex and William, along with four of your other friends, come by your house. And with the usual hollers and greetings while you walked down the pathway from your house to your street, the endless dilemma in your head on how to deal with this new situation was long forgotten. You made your way through the group of friends with various ‘hey’s and a hug or two until you ended up by William, who greeted you with the extra big smile that was reserved for you, and you only, before he pulled you to him, sliding his arm over your shoulders and pressing a kiss to your temple. And you couldn’t help but laugh when you hear Alex speak dramatically; “Oh, you didn’t know? They’re dating. I didn’t either,” Alex seems happy when you jump on his back on your way down the trail to the lake, but also like he was trying to determine if you did it because you wanted to or if you’re just trying to give him more attention because you’re dating his brother. He also tried to pretend that he thinks it’s annoying but you know that he doesn’t. And then he tries to throw you in the lake with your clothes still on, at least he makes you believe that he actually will – to which Willy comes to your rescue – and Alex rolls his eyes and lightheartedly makes a joke about Willy being your knight in shining armor. Alex rolls his eyes again when Will asks you to rub sunscreen onto his back, to which you mutter something about how Alex and his red back better get in line. He rolls his eyes again when Willy rubs sunscreen onto your back, before he makes comment for everyone else’s enjoyment: “At least, now I won’t have to do it.” Time flies by quickly when you’re having fun – running around in the sand with your best friends, jumping from rocks with Alex and occasionally being picked up by Will and thrown into the water. One time he picks you up and carries you out slowly, pretending that he’ll drop you a few times making you squeal or giggle, but then he’ll pull you even further up and kiss you. When he stops up, so far out that you can’t reach the bottom anymore, he lets you lock your legs around his waist while his arms slide around you, holding you while he presses his lips to yours. Behind you can hear your friend Caroline scolding Alex; “Shut up, they’re cute,” Half an hour later you’re sat on top of a big rock in the lake with Alex and Linus, while William is lying on his beach towel back by the water’s edge. You can hear a few more people coming  down to the lake, voices and laughter coming closer. You know them, but they’re more Will’s friends than yours and Alex’s. Also, you haven’t really seen any of them over the summer. “Oh, you better watch out, Y/N,” Linus says, his voice almost sounding nervous. “What?” you open up your eyes after having had your face turned up towards the sun. “Oh,” you say, nonchalantly. Everyone, except your boyfriend, knows that Christine, one of the girls that are now arriving at the lake, has a huge crush on him. And she was never subtle about it. “Oh?” Alex repeats, mimicking you. “I trust him, even if he is completely oblivious,” you tell them, watching as she sits down as close to him as humanly possible without actually sitting on him. The rock that you and the boys are sitting on are close enough to the beach for you to hear most of what is being said. William’s eyes meet yours when Christine touches him for the second time within the five minutes she’s been there. You smile and he smiles back at you – and you think maybe he finally understood what his friend was doing. Or trying to do. He moves away from Christine, in the guise of turning towards all his friends. He sends another smile your way before he starts talking. “I wanted to tell you something. All of you,” he smiles, motioning to the ones that had just arrived. “Okay?” one of them says, before they all turn their attention to William. “I have a girlfriend,” he says, enthusiastically. The questions comes flying after that, from everyone but Christine. And one of them don’t even believe him until he tells them that it’s you. You turn your attention away from what was going on around William, and back to soaking up the sun. But only for a few minutes, though, before you’re turned victim to the Nylander brother’s antics and you’re once again in the water and in the arms of your boyfriend. “Did you finally realize that I’m not the only one with a crush on you,” you ask, your voice low and playful, once you’re out of the shallows. “Uhm, I think I might,” he makes a face as he says it, and you laugh at him. “You’re pretty oblivious, aren’t you?” you tease, and he shrugs, pulling you in for a kiss. “It makes sense now, though,” he says, “also, not be cocky, but I don’t think what you feel for me qualifies as a crush,” he adds, smirking. “Mm, no, haven’t been able to qualify this as a crush since I was like thirteen,” August 2014 Every year the Nylanders would have an end of summer barbecue. You loved these parties because you got to hang out with your friends all night, friends you didn’t see all the time, and of course, Alex and William. But you also hated them because your mom’s friends were extremely annoying and nosy, especially when it came to you. And now, with your mom and Camilla being a little too excited about their kids dating, everyone would know about yours and William’s relationship. And none of them would leave you alone. Less than an hour into the party and you feel like you’re about to explode. It doesn’t really help with the attention, but William has begun to actively be next to you, a hand on your shoulder or on your waist – somewhere – trying his best to keep you sane through it all. Some were sweet, just smiling, maybe adding that you looked cute together or that it warmed their heart or something, but not all of your moms friends were very appropriate, making eyes at you and whispering little things that sent you into a constant state of cringe for 5 minutes straight. You weren’t the only ones that were being bugged about the matter of yours and William’s relationship. Your dad got the question several times, of what he thought about his little girl dating the big shot hockey player of the Nylander family, to which he first just rolled his eyes, but after a while, when the repeated question became annoying, he said; “You know what, I really don’t mind, Willy is really nice to her and that’s all that matters,”. And then at one point, with a smirk, added – “I’m just glad it wasn’t this little fucker,” – while motioning to Alex, who was standing next to him. Alex also got a fair amount of attention because of it but Alex loved attention. “So what do you think about Y/N dating your brother,” someone would ask him, and he would smile and tell them some overdramatic story. “But you know what, I’m happy for them. And it’s not like I didn’t see it coming. I was mad about for about five hours, but as soon as I realized that I’m not the one who has to follow her around the mall anymore, I was completely fine,” he would end, making the circle of middle aged women around him erupt in laughter. “Hey, just ignore them. Let’s just have a good time, okay?” William spoke, sliding one of his arms around your shoulders and pulling you closer to his front while simultaneously cupping your cheek with his hand. The comment made from your mom’s friend, Isabella, had you fuming – you see, she just knew from the day you were born that the boys wouldn’t be able to keep their eyes off you. He looks at you with wide eyes and lifted eyebrows until you smile – making you look away as you try to hide the fact that he has that kind of power over you but failing miserably. A smile spreads on his lips as a reaction to yours. Moving his hand to your jaw, he tilts your head back towards him and pulls you into a sweet kiss. And then one that isn’t that sweet, one that is short but still manages to fill your gut with heat before he pulls back. “What?” you hear your mom’s friend Karen say, the gossip queen of their friend group. She’s in conversation with your mom, Camilla, your dad and few of their friends. Camilla and your mom are obviously telling her about you and Willy. “Are you surprised?” Camilla asks her, to which Karen looks even more surprised. “What? No. Are you? I mean, is this new? Are you just now hearing about it?” This really makes your ears perk up. You and William look at each other with furrowed brows before you both turn your attention back to Karen and the rest of them. “What? We found out about it in June… What do you mean?” Your mom asks, and you can see your dad lean into the conversation he’d probably found extremely uninteresting up until now. “In June? They’ve been flirting for years! And I am 100% sure I saw them kissing on New Year’s Eve,” she tells them, motioning towards you and Willy, who were halfway across the garden but were quite obviously listening in on the conversation. “What?” both your mother and Camilla exclaims, turning towards you, and you and Willy walk over with red cheeks – Willy holding your hand and basically pulling you with him. “I just thought that everyone but me knew about it, so I didn’t mention it,” Karen said, but your parents were turned towards you. “You said you started dating in March,” you mom stated. “And that’s the truth,” Willy argued, but it wasn’t enough. Your cheeks turn even redder. “God… He sprung a kiss on me at midnight, caught me completely off guard, and then ran off like nothing happened and never said anything about it for just about three months, when we actually started dating,” you rambled, making everyone laugh. “Well, I…  Excuse me, but I texted you that night,” Willy argues next to you, making them laugh more. “Uh, yeah, at like 4 AM asking if I was mad at you for it,” you said, your head turning to him. The blush on your cheeks disappeared and you were laughing with the rest of the group. “That shit fucked me up,” you added, making them all laugh, including William – before he pulled you into him, kissing your temple and telling you he’s sorry with a smile and blushing cheeks. “Did it really fuck you up? When I kissed you on new year’s eve?” he asks when you’re alone again, sitting in the swinging bench in the backyard. Your legs are resting across his lap as you sit sideways in the seat, his hand moving up and down your bare calf. You smile at his question. “Uh, yeah, I couldn’t sleep. I had all kinds of thoughts running through my head trying to come up with every possible reason for you to kiss me that wasn’t that you actually just wanted to kiss me – I just couldn’t let myself believe that you wanted to kiss me,” you told him, eyeing him as he tucked his bottom lip between his teeth. “And then I was finally falling asleep, I was so close, and then you texted me and my head was back to spinning again,” you added, laughing lightly when his head fell back with a curse falling from his lips. “I’m sorry, that was really stupid of me,” he apologized, red cheeks and an embarrassed smile. “You’re forgiven,” you told him, laying a hand on his arm. “Good. I just really wanted to kiss you, you know,” he mumbled, and you took hold of his shirt and pulled him closer, until his upper body was over yours and you could press your lips to his. The kiss lasted longer than it should have. And so did the next one – sending sparks of warmth and want for your boyfriend flying everywhere, making your skin feel like it was on fire wherever he touched you. “Yeah, yeah, that’s enough,” Alex says as he approaches you, spreading out in the third and last seat of the swinging bench. By now, Alex is used to seeing you kissing his brother, and actually gave up making gagging noises whenever he saw you about a month ago. Will pushed himself away from you and back to his previous position, and you immediately miss his hands on your skin. They come back pretty quickly, though, but on your calf instead of further up – on your thigh, under the material of your summer dress. Whenever his fingers crawl closer to your knee, there are waves traveling through your body and crashing between your legs, making the pool of want and lust in your panties grow. An hour or so later, dinner is served. Meaning that everyone is lining up next to the grill and filling their plates with various meats, breads, salads and condiments. You and Will are still queued up with empty plates, his body coming closer and pressing into yours as you’re standing in front of him. His free hand comes around your waist and you pray for just an hour alone with him when he presses a kiss or two to your shoulder. You can sense your mom looking at you from her spot by the table, and you can tell by the smile on her face and the soft look in her eyes that she thinks it’s sweet, but both you and Will know that there isn’t anything sweet about his hand flat across your hip and the lingering kisses on your shoulder. There’s nothing sweet about how it makes you feel. There’s nothing sweet about the hand on your thigh when Will’s done eating either, how it travels across your lap and under the material of your dress. How his thumb moves between your thighs and starts drawing circles on the soft and sensitive skin of your inner thighs. There is nothing sweet about your hand grabbing his and leading him inside the house under the guise of having to charge your phone. Nothing sweet about running downstairs hand in hand and being pushed against the wall, his body pressed into yours and his lips following closely after. There’s definitely nothing sweet about your hand sliding down his torso and moving in between your bodies, your palm flat over his hardening member – making his situation so much worse. “Ugh, babe, no,” William presses his forehead to yours, his eyes closed and his fingers wrapped around your wrist as he concentrates on not letting your touch get to him. “Mm, I’m sorry,” you tell him, and he rolls his eyes at you. “No, you’re not,” he mutters, and you can’t help but let your grin consume your face. “It’s just… It’s something about this dress. I can’t keep my hands off you,” he tells you after a few moments of silence. His words earns a gasp from you, making a look of petty revenge appear in his eye before his lips are on yours again. His body slams into yours, his knee pressing in between your legs, while he kisses you hard and deep. His hands roams up your body, from your thighs to your boobs, his thumbs knowing exactly where to find your nipples through both your dress and your lacy bralette. You moan against his mouth and before you know it, his hand is between your thighs, underwear pushed aside and two fingers fully inside you, pressing into your g-spot. A high-pitched moan rolls of your tongue, and just as quickly as his fingers were up there, they’re back out – and he’s leaving you with a ravishing and lingering kiss before he steps back and retreats back up the stairs with his two fingers in his mouth while simultaneously sending you a look that made you want to kill him and tear all of his clothes off, all at the same time. “Oh honey, what did you do? Your dress is all wrinkly!” Your mother exclaims when she sees you only ten minutes later. You’d spent a few minutes in the bathroom desperately trying to calm yourself down, while also making sure your hair didn’t look like Willy just had his hands all up in it while making out with you. Your dress was worse for wear, though, as it was wrinkly after Will’s hands had traveled up your body both over and under your summer dress. “Uhm, I don’t know? I sat down?” you dig out your acting talent that hadn’t been used since your last attendance at the Children’s theatre in 2007. Your mother huffs and tries to straighten your dress with her hands but gives up quite quickly. The ordeal has a smirk on Willy’s lips when you go sit down next to him, stealing his bowl of ice cream and berries, while Alex rolls his eyes and pretends to gag. It is getting later and as the guest with younger kids had left the party, the rest of you were gathered around the biggest of the tables in the garden, glasses of wine and bottles of beer in just about every hand there except yours and Alex’. It was still quite crowded in the Nylander’s backyard, and all kinds of chairs, benches and stools where moved to fit as many as possible around said table, and William had gladly pulled you into his lap, where you now sat sideways – your head rested on his shoulder as one of his arms curled around your back and the other laid over your lap, his hand resting on the back of your thigh. You rarely take part of the conversation going on around the table, mostly just listening to the stories that are being told and relaxing back into Willy’s chest – a feeling of contentment and thankfulness washing over you when his lips press against your temple, causing you to tilt your head back and capture his lips in a sweet kiss. An hour or so later, Camilla hands out blankets for everyone in need of one. You already have Alex’ hoodie over your summer dress, but Will still takes one and places it over your bare legs. Soon his hand moves over your thighs. At first, the tips of his fingers barely graces your skin, but when he hears the change in your breath, they slide in between your thighs with just a little bit more force, inching their way closer to where you’d been wanting them all day. But he stops before they reach your damp underwear, and you don’t know if you’re happy about it or not. It’s enough, though, to send you even further into the desperation for your boyfriend that you’ve been feeling all day. Your mom saying your name snaps you back to reality. You sigh when Will pulls his hand away from you, helping you stand up after having spent the last two hours curled up in his lap. You’re going home, and leaving the warmth of Will’s lap and embrace is the last thing you want to do right now – for more than one reason. You hug Alex goodbye, promising to give him his hoodie back the next day. William follows you to the front yard, shoving you in front of him so that he can walk behind you with his arms slung around your neck, your cheek in perfect position for him to press kisses to it while whispering words that make you want his hands on you even more. Just before you reach the front of the house, you turn around in his arms and press your lips to his in a deep kiss, letting your hands creep up into his hair as your tongues meet. You pull back when you hear your name being called, your parents getting impatient – but lean in for one more kiss before you take his hand in yours and walk the rest of the way. You give Camilla and Michael each a hug goodbye, then you go back for peck on the lips and a final hug with William, whispering ‘I love you’  before you follow your parents home. - “I’m outside,” you read the notification from William, your heart pounding immediately, waves of heat crashing at your core just from knowing he’s outside. You make sure you can’t hear anything from upstairs, that they’re all gone to bed, before you quickly move to the door, opening it to find your boyfriend standing there, impatiently bouncing on his feet. “Fuck, I couldn’t lie still,” he says once you open the door, just before you reach out and grab his hand. “Just come inside,” you breathe, pulling him in and closing the door behind him, just before your lips are on his and your back is pushed against the same door he just came in through, his body pressed against yours. You can already tell that it’s going to be hard to stop tonight. You’re not even sure you’re going to want it to stop. Your hands are far up the back of his hoodie, feeling his muscles move underneath the tips of your fingers as his hands roam your body, stopping at your behind and pushing you against him. You moan into the open mouthed kiss as you can feel him already starting to harden against your lower stomach. You move your hands to his front, sliding your arms around his neck and kissing him harder. “My room,” you barely get out between kisses, and his hands are at the backs of your thighs immediately, hoisting you up and you’re being carried to your room. The door is kicked shut and your back hits the mattress of your bed, his body rolling over yours and your hips meeting in a desperate hope for release. Your fingers find the hem of his hoodie and you don’t waste time ridding him of it. With his lips on yours for as long as possible, he moves your t-shirt up your sides slowly, letting the tips of his fingers slide over the soft skin of your waist, before he finally lets go of your lips and pulls the garment over your head. He buries his head in your chest immediately, kisses left all over your bare breasts, until he closes his lips around one of your nipples, sucking it into his mouth. The action causes a moan to escape your lips and an arch of your body, to which he hums, sending even more lust to build between your legs. Your hand finds its way between your bodies, landing flat over the bulge in his shorts, applying pressure to it and causing another groan from his lips. You moan his name, and he finally comes back up to you, his lips pressing to yours, open mouthed with your tongues immediately connecting. One of his hands finds the drawstring of your pajama shorts, and he loosens the knot, making room for him to stick his hand into your shorts and underwear, and feel your wetness on his fingers. “Fuck, baby,” he breathes as he pulls back, not just from your lips but from you entirely, his hands working on getting your clothes off completely before his feet even touch the floor. He sinks to his knees by the bed’s side, and you’re pulled to its edge and your thighs are being placed on his shoulders, his face buried between your legs. He’d only gone down on you for the first time a few weeks ago and it had proved to be your new favorite thing, loving the way his tongue felt as it slid across your folds and dipped inside you. His hands caress your thighs while he dives in, closing in on your clit and giving it the attention he thinks it deserves – which is a lot. The little moans and curses that leave your mouth only urge him on, and his finger comes to help, sliding inside you and pressing against your G-spot, while the tip of his tongue works against your bundle of nerves. Your fingers are deep in blonde locks, your grip hard as he makes moans roll of your tongue along with every breath. You’re nearly thrown over the edge when his tongue slides in next to his finger, making his name roll of your tongue like a whimper and your fingers fist in his hair. The action has a groan leave his throat and in the matter of seconds he’s in the bed, over you again, his lips on yours in a heavy, open mouthed kiss – his tongue replaced by another finger and his thumb moving in quick circles on your clit. Your head falls deeply into the comforter under you as your lips leaves his again and your body arches into his, and with another thrust of his fingers and his lips to your jaw, you finally hit your climax. His face is pressed to your neck as he waits for you to calm down, taking in and committing every moan, whimper and pant to his memory. His hand moves soothingly up and down your thigh and his lips press little kisses on your neck every now and then – until your hand comes up to his neck and you bring your lips back to his in a long kiss. “You’re amazing,” you whisper against his lips before you press your lips back on his. With a hand to his chest you push him to his side, your fingers traveling down and into his shorts as he let’s your tongue meet his. Your hand closes around his hard member and you start stroking him and giving him little tugs. His free hand roams your side, starting the trail with a grip of your butt and moving on to your hip – fingertips skating over your waist, until his hand cover your boob, massaging it. You let go of him and give him a little shove to make him roll to his back. You start working on his shorts immediately, pulling them down his thighs along with his boxers and letting them fall to the floor with the rest of your clothes, while he throws off his hoodie and t-shirt. You stay by his side, reaching out and letting your hand stroke over his balls and erection while you leave kisses on his torso. His fingers takes little strides up your back until they’re in your hair, finding the hair tie that barely held it up into what had once been a bun and pulling it out. With his hand fisted in your hair he guides your lips to his and you kiss while your hand moves up and down his shaft. As his lips connect to your neck and his hand slides back down to your ass, you can’t help but throw your thigh over his lap and straddle him, letting go of his dick and enjoying the feeling of it pressed against your wet folds instead. You’d never sat like that while both naked before and the new sensation feels amazing – and brings certain desires to the absolute surface as you rock against him, feeling him slide between your lips. 

His mouth has fallen open and so has yours, and with his hands on your hips, he sits up and presses his forehead to yours. Your eyes fall closed after staring into each other’s eyes for a while, and both your breaths come out as pants. “I love you so much, baby,” he talks against your lips, before launching into a heavy make out, your lips slotting together in desperation. His hands on your hips help you keep your hips moving in a steady rhythm, and your arms slides around his neck. “I want you, I want this,” you talk into the kiss. “I love you, all I want is you,” you add, your words not well thought out but exactly what you mean. “Me, too, baby. So bad. Want you so bad,” he tells you, his forehead pressed against yours as he talks. He plants his feet to the floor, getting up with you in his arms, your legs locked around his waist and your arms around his neck. He pulls back your sheets and climbs back into bed with you still in his arms. His lips are moving across your neck and collarbones as soon as you’re both back in bed. He sucks one of your nipples into his mouth, your eyes meet in the process and he comes straight back to your lips once he lets go. “I have condoms in my nightstand,” you tell him, your lips moving against his as you talk. If the sound erupting from his throat next is a curse or a groan, you’re not sure, but he reaches out and finds one in your drawer. You take the condom from his hand, and he lifts himself up on his arms. “Why do you have condoms?” he whispers teasingly, as you rip the packaging open. “Mm, because of you,” you tell him, letting a smile spread on your lips. You hadn’t really talked much about sex, you just let things happen when you felt ready for it – and William never said anything, just let you move at your own pace. “Got them from the school nurse’s office on the last day of school,” you tell him, reaching out and stroking his hard member – watching as his chuckle turns into a moan. “You know, when I made you sneak over here that night, I’d been thinking about you all day,” you smirk, tapping his thigh to make him stand up straighter on his knees to make it easier for you to slide the condom onto him. Two of his fingers dip into you, scissoring them inside you to hopefully make the experience less painful for you. “I’m ready, I can’t wait any longer,” you breathe, stretching your neck up and connecting your lips to his. His body crashes down on yours, and he kisses you deeply as he lets his fingers slide out of you and wrap around himself instead. He positions himself perfectly between your legs, placing the tip of his member at your entrance. You moan at the feeling and he pushes all the way in, making you take a deep breath. His forehead presses against yours and you both breathe heavily. “Are you okay?” he asks, his voice soft but a little strained. “Yeah, babe, I’m good, just go slow,” you answer, letting your hand move from his shoulder to the back of his neck. His lips press against yours as he starts to move, finding a slow but steady pace. As soon as he finds the perfect rhythm, one of his hands find their way back to your body. He starts at your side, moving from your hip and slowly up to the side of your boob. He massages it, slow but firm, making you release a moan when he pinches your nipple between his fingers. Your lips slot together as your hands roam his back, your nails digging into his skin when he speeds up a little bit. “You feel so good,” he groans into your neck once his lips parts from yours, before he moves on to leaving kisses all the way down from your jaw to your collarbones. You only moan in response, letting one of your hands trail from his back and up into his hair, fisting your fingers in it. “It’s good for you as well, right?” he asks, lips moving against the skin of your neck – and you can hear the slight panic in his voice. Before you even process what he said, his head flies up. “It doesn’t hurt, does it?” he asks, stilling inside you. “No, no, it doesn’t. You know I would tell you,” you tell him, finally snapping back to reality. “And it feels amazing, I promise,” you speak, cupping his cheek with your hand. “I’m- I’m not used to you being so quiet,” he mumbles, his cheeks turning red as he says it. You can’t help but smile at that. “Will, you’re doing amazing – don’t worry. And I was kinda trying to not be so loud,” you tell him, feeling your own cheeks heat up as well. He’s got a smile on his lips when he starts moving again, his hand coming down to lift your leg up, hooking it over his hip. “I like it when you’re loud,” he says before he connects his lips to yours again, and just those words alone has you moaning against his lips. “There you go,” he sounds smug, his lips moving against yours as he speaks. He speeds up, and that, along with the new angle, has moans rolling off your tongue left and right. You tug at his hair, like you know he enjoys – he’d groaned loudly the first time you did it – and his moan vibrates against your lips. His lips are soon pulled from yours as he tucks his face into your neck, eyes clenched shut as he concentrates on making you reach your orgasm before he does. He lifts his body from yours slightly, his hand moving between your bodies, where his thumb expertly finds your clit. A loud moan escapes your lips when his thumb reaches your sensitive nub and his head comes up from hiding in your neck and hair, his forehead leaning against yours. He watches your reactions closely as he touches you and fills you up again and again.   “Baby,” he mumbles, his voice strained. You moan as a response and his lips press to yours in a short but deep kiss before he speaks again. “Please tell me you’re close,” he begs, kissing you again. “Mm, I am,” you breathe, and he kisses you once more before he presses his forehead against your chest and ups the movement of his thumb, letting it rub in fast circles on your clit. He can both hear and feel that you’re coming closer to the edge, your moans more frequent, your breath harsher and your insides starting to clench around his member. When your legs tighten around his hips and your fist in his hair tenses, he knows you’re about to come. He leaves your clit to give himself some extra support as he speeds up his thrusts, pressing his lips to yours as you fall apart beneath him. The soft moans resulting of your orgasm and the clenching of your insides around him has him coming just seconds after you – before collapsing on top of you. 

Your hands stay in his hair, but instead of having a fistful of hair clenched between your fingers, you start drawing your fingertips through it instead. His breathing slows down and he pushes himself further up your body, his face nuzzling into the nook of your neck. A happy and content sigh falls from your lips when you feel his mouth press to the skin of your shoulder. His weight lifts from your body as he plants his elbows in the mattress beneath you, lifting himself up slightly while leaving kisses up your neck and on your cheek. You giggle and let your hands fall to the back of his neck. “I love you,” he whispers, finally letting his lips touch yours again in a sweet and loving kiss. “I love you, too, Will,” you smile into the next kiss. “I’ll be right back, okay?” he speaks, his voice soft as he places another kiss to your cheek before he slowly pulls out his softened member, his eyebrows shooting up when you gasp. “Are you sore?” he asks, making another smile stretch your lips. “No, don’t worry. I’m just sensitive,” you calm him, and he smiles, leaning down and kissing you once more before he leaves your bed for the bathroom. He comes back just a few minutes later, without the condom but just as naked. You both blush a little when he catches you looking and you both laugh lightheartedly when he steps over the clothes on the floor and crawls back into bed, letting you place your head on his chest and tangle your legs with his. “I can’t even tell you how extremely happy you make me,” you mumble into his chest, your arm stretching across his torso and hugging him to you. “I know the feeling, babe,” he chuckles, pressing his lips to your forehead. “Did you get any comments on your picture?” he asks after a while of resting in complete and comfortable silence, only your breaths and his heartbeat under your cheek to be heard. You hum against his chest and motion for William to fetch your phone from the nightstand. You roll to your back, using Will’s arm as a pillow, so you both can see your phone screen. Your mother had taken a picture of the two of you in the chair earlier that night, when you were curled up in his lap. She’d captured the exact moment when his lips pressed to your temple and your eyes fluttered closed – everything about it was perfect – his arms around you, your hand tracing little circles on his arm that laid across your lap. You’d posted it to your Instagram when your mom sent it to you – the first you’d posted of the two of you as a couple. “Okay, that’s a lot,” you say, smiling as you look to your side, meeting Will’s eye. Your phone screen is filled with Instagram notifications and you open up your phone and the app in question. You look at the comments on the post together, smiling at the sweet comments of how you were cute together, “I knew it!” and “It had to happen!”, cringing at your mothers comments of young love and heart-warming, and lastly, laughing at Alex’s comment reading ; “I love you but YIKES”. You plug in your phone charger and leave it at your nightstand, turning in William’s arms and cuddling up with him again – your nose rubbing against his neck as you slide your arms around his neck and hugging him to you, your bare body pressed to his. His arms comes around your waist and embraces you, his hands moving in soothing circles on your back. “How early do you think I need to get up to both sneak out of here and back into my house without any of them noticing?” he asks, leaving a kiss on your shoulder. You pull back, placing your hands on each of his cheeks, cupping them. “The biggest problem is your house, really. Here, you’re fine as long as you don’t leave at the exact same time as my mom or my dad. So, I guess the question is when your parents get up,” you add to the conversation. “Ugh, I should probably be home before 7 to be safe,” he sighs. “I really want to stay here as long as possible,” he adds, kissing you on the lips. “Mm, and it’s not like I’m letting you leave,” you tell him, pressing your lips to his in a deeper kiss. With his arms still around you, he rolls you both to the side. And you lay there, just kissing, for what feels like forever. “Are you happy we did that?” he asks unprovoked after having laid in silence for a little while. “Yeah, of course I am,” you smile, reaching up and pushing his hair out of his face. “Good,” he smiles, looking down between your bodies as the familiar pink blush appears on his cheeks again. “Stop worrying about these things,” you tell him, kissing him. “I am very much in love with you and for as long as I’ve thought about sex, I’ve always thought about it with you. I’ve always imagined and hoped that it would be with you,” you tell him, sincerely, ignoring the voice in your head that wants you to think that it’s embarrassing to tell him. “Really?” he smiles, the shy smile that was previously on his lips almost becomes cocky. But just almost. “Yeah, you’re my first crush, you know,” you say, letting your lips fall into a grin that matches his. “I remember being thirteen and spending the summer in your pool and blushing every time I saw you – because you were shirtless,” you chuckle, biting your lip when Will laughs sweetly. “And then the next summer, Alex didn’t understand why I was uncomfortable in my bikini and had to get a new one every two months because my body was changing – but you did, and, I don’t know, I fell so stupidly in love with you that I had a hard time functioning every time you were near me. My heart was racing every time you talked to me,” you let your cheeks warm up this time, turn a little red, just at the thought of how you felt every time he was around back then. To think you were naked and tangled up with him in bed now, was a little surreal. “I started talking to you a lot, didn’t I?” he chuckles. You hum, and he adjusts you in his arms, letting you lay your head on his arm and press your back into his front as he spoons you. “I mean, I always thought you were cute, but that summer… That year, I guess, I just realized that you weren’t just cute and my little brother’s best friend anymore. You were funny and beautiful. And I was fifteen, so, I had a really hard time keeping my eyes off you that summer,” he chuckled. “Hm, I noticed,” you smiled, turning your head slightly, letting him place a kiss on your cheek. “Yeah, and I wasn’t completely oblivious either. I knew you had a crush on me, but then you stopped blushing every time I looked at you or spoke to you, so I figured you’d stopped crushing on me – which is why I was worried that you’d be mad at me for kissing you on new year’s eve. I wasn’t sure if you liked me at all,” he explained, making you laugh. “Oh, I liked you,” you smiled, turning in his arms again and pressing your lips to his in a deep kiss. His hand came up to your face, cupping your cheek and holding you to him while simultaneously supporting your head. Your fingers trace a line from his chest to his shoulders while you kiss him, then from his shoulders to the back of his neck, where they’re engulfed by thick, blonde hair. You tighten your grip in his hair, just a little bit, and he hums against your lips. You pull back slightly, just to get a little air, but his lips follow yours like they’re magnetic. You smile against his lips before deepening the kiss, loving the effect you had on him and how his hands moved further down your body. You let your lips fall open, and his tongue was immediately pressed against yours, his hand coming down to your ass, gripping it, while you fisted your hand in his hair – this time making William moan and push your body against his. Pulling your lips from his, you swapped out the hand in his hair, letting your free hand move down his chest and abs while you placed kisses on his neck. Pushing your hand a little bit further down and under the covers, you examined the damage you’d done, enjoying the sound of his breath turning heavy when you let your hand wrap around his erection. He places his hand on your cheek, pulling you back to meet his lips again, before pushing a hand between your bodies – both of you reacting audibly when he moved a finger to slide through your wet folds. Soon, your hand stills on his shaft, the sudden pleasure taking over your body, when Will pushes two fingers inside you, scissoring them, essentially telling you that you had the same thought. You move your hand from his shaft to his chest, supporting yourself as you throw your leg over his hips, not letting yourself get distracted by his hard member so close to where you needed him most, but reaching out to get another condom from your nightstand. Sitting back, your arousals finally meet, and you grind down, making it hard for the both of you to keep your moans and groans to yourselves. Will’s hands moves to your hips, pushing you back. Desperate to be back inside you, he makes room for you to slide the condom onto him. Once it’s on, he sits up, pushing his lips to yours in a desperate kiss while his arm slides around your waist – helping you lift your hips from his thighs and using his other hand to align his member with your entrance, letting you slide down at your own pace. A deep breath falls from your lips when he’s fully inside you, your forehead leaning against his. You press your lips to his in a hard kiss before you place your hands on his shoulders, pushing him down to lay on his back. His hands rest on each of your hips and you place yours on his chest, to support you when you finally start moving your hips. With his hands firmly gripping your hips, he helps you keep a steady rhythm. With soft touches, passionate kisses and naked bodies so smoothly sliding against each other, you’re both quickly brought to your climaxes – foreheads pressed together as you both express your love for each other between labored breaths and throaty moans. You spend the next minutes catching your breaths, your cheek pressed to William’s chest as his fingers slides through your hair. “Don’t fall asleep on me, now,” William whispers, making your lips tug up into a smile. “Mm, I won’t,” you breathe, finally finding the strength to push yourself up. He sits up as well, kissing you before he slides an arm around you waist, lifting you from his lap to let himself slide out from inside you. You sigh at the loss of contact, leaning in for another kiss and then getting out of bed. William follows you to your bathroom, and you both go though your nightly routines, which for Willy is mostly watching you in the mirror as he stands behind you, arms around your waist and chin rested on your shoulder. You crawl into bed without bothering to put on any of the clothes left on the floor earlier in the night. It’s ridiculously late and you almost want to cry at the alarm William sets for the morning, just a few hours away. “I love you, baby,” he whispers into your hair, your face buried in his chest and your legs tangled with his as you’re already drifting to sleep. “Mm, I love you, too,” you breathe, then adding a soft “baby,” – smiling lazily as you hear him chuckle. Deep sleep finds you within minutes, exhaustion from the previous day and night along with Will’s body underneath you and arms around you, soothing you to sleep. You wake to your mother’s voice, but she isn’t talking to you. “Yeah, I found him. And his boxers… on the floor,” she sighs, and you suddenly realize that your mom is talking to Camilla on the phone in the room where you’re clearly naked underneath the covers with Will. And it’s probably way past 7 o’clock.  “Camilla, you’re not responsible for keeping your 18 year old son out of my daughter’s bed. Don’t apologize,” she says as a matter of fact. You didn’t hear what Camilla said through the phone, but you had your guesses. “Oh, you’re awake,” she says to you, having seen you move your hand to cover your face. “I’ll make sure he comes home… Once I’ve had my talk with them,” she tells Camilla, making sure you both hear her clearly. She hangs up the phone and decides to sit down on the desk chair in your room, not far from your bed. “Mom, can we please get dressed before we have this talk?” you beg, feeling the blush rush to your cheeks. “No, I’m not giving you a chance to escape,” she huffs, and you and William adjust in the bed, sitting up more but making sure the covers hide your naked bodies. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Y/L/N,” William starts, but is soon interrupted. “Oh, don’t Mrs. Y/L/N me now, mister,” your mom nearly laughs. She takes a deep breath. “You don’t need to apologize for,” she pauses, bracing herself, “having sex. It’s fine. You’re both old enough, and I obviously can’t stop it from happening. It’s just,” she pauses again, taking another deep breath. “It’s not a problem if you want to stay over, William, I would just like to know first – and I’m sure your mom would like to know as well. I mean, she called me quite worried,” she says, and you’re thoroughly surprised at her handling of the situation. “Yeah, I’m sorry, I was supposed to get up early and go back home but I must’ve slept though the alarm,” William speaks again. Your mother nods, looking around the room as she thinks about her next words. She turns her attention to you. “I was literally going to have the talk with you tonight,” she sighs, and you can’t help but smile. “Obviously I should’ve done it a lot sooner, but you know, not my favorite kind of past time, and then I saw you yesterday and I realized that I had to do it sooner rather than later,” she mumbles the last part. “Did you at least use protection?” she asks, once she’s out of the chair, hand already on the door handle. “Yes, mom,” you answer, hiding your blushing face and smile behind your hands again. She turns around. “Will, go home and apologize to your mom. And if you want to stay over, just ask, and it’s fine. And you, I’m getting you a doctors appointment first thing in the morning. You’re getting birth control.” She leaves the room and you both sink into the bed, bodies turning to the other. “Well, that’s embarrassing,” William mumbles, making you laugh. You scoot closer to him, placing a kiss on his cheek. “Yeah,” you breathe, looking up at him with a smile, and he leans in for a kiss. Or two. “But this is a good thing, right? We don’t have to sneak around anymore, and you can stay over,” you smile, and a smile spreads on his lips as well “I know,” he kisses you again, deeper this time. It is hard to pull away with his naked body over yours, wanting to have his body next to yours all the time – his skin pressed against you. He’s already semi-hard and pressed against your heat, when he pulls away. “I should probably leave,” he sighs, a smile adorning his lips anyway. “I know,” you breathe, loosening your hold on him to let him climb off you and out of bed. You sit up, pulling the sheets around your bare body, as you admire his while he pulls on his clothes from last night. He comes back to you once he’s fully dressed, pushing you back down and climbing on top of you. Your giggles stop quickly once he presses his lips to yours, kissing you deeply and passionately. “I love you, so much,” he smiles, placing a kiss on your cheek as you smile back. “Mm, I love you, too – and I’ll see you later, yeah?” you kiss him again. “Yeah, if my mom doesn’t kill me,” he jokes, climbing off of you again after having left one last, lingering kiss on your lips. “Hm, she wouldn’t do that to me… she likes me too much,” you joke back, making him laugh as he exits your room, eager to get home just so that he could get back to you again.

[fayoftheforest]

2, 14, and 18 for the fic ask!! >:)

(Ask is from this post . Thank you for the ask!)

2. Recommend a fic you've read that is at least 5 years old.

A solid 75% of the fics that I read are from 2013 or before XD This is mostly because I can be quite picky when it comes to writing quality, and so when I find a wonderful author I will just work my way through their entire back catalogue (looking at you, hollycomb and kuchi ;)

I bookmark all my SP fic recommendations as part of my South Parkfection collection, so have a browse if you're lookin' for a good time :D

I believe that the 2016 fic (yeah, yeah, it's not technically five years old for another two months, whatever) "Seven Days of Alien Summer" by applecrumbledore should be mandatory reading for all SP fic lovers. Not because it's educational or anything, just because it's fucking fantastic.

I recently read the 2012 fic "Flipside" by hollycomb and have not stopped thinking about it ever since. Please, god, someone read it so I can talk about it with them lmao.

Finally, my favourite non-SP fic: 2013's Calvin and Hobbes "Theories About Nuclear Winter" by hollycomb. This fic added ten years onto my lifespan and made me cry so god damn much. If you grew up reading Calvin and Hobbes like I did, or just like the comics in general, then you're gonna wanna read this! The catharsis is reallll.

If anyone has any recommendations for fics, please do let me know! I'm always on the lookout for more stories to devour :)

14. Tell us about the fic you are most proud of writing.

I'm split between South Park Confidential and Ship In A Bottle on this one. With SPC I was able to bust out a ten thousand word chapter every week and managed to finish the 130k word fic in a little over three months, which was a big step up for me! It was also the first novel-length story I'd ever completed, and I'm proud of that. Of course, the fact that I avoided making any plans or speaking to anyone outside of online lessons might have had something to do with the sudden spike in productivity pahaha.

However, my writing has improved since then, and I think SIAB is definitely of a better quality. I'm more conscious about the way I write and the language features that I use now, and more confident when writing complex plot and character arcs. But I think the main reason why I'm most proud of this one is that life has been pretty full-on and a bit rubbish for me at the moment, but I've managed to stick with the story and keep on chugging! :)

18. What are your favourite genres you like to read? Are they the same ones you like to write?

Since I'm so picky about the quality of the fic, I don't rend to have much leeway when it comes to the actual genre lmao. Historical fiction is my favourite genre (shocking, I know) but I really like sci-fi and fantasy stuff too! Anything that takes the SP characters as we know them and puts them in a different time or place is a win in my book. But at the end of the day, a good old fashioned home-grown high school or college au is hard to beat ;)

[minijenn]

Universe Falls turns 5 years old this week

I was 19 when I started it and still in college, in the throes of depression bc I hated college and wanted out even during the start of my sophomore year. I was homesick and had only a handful of friends bc I was shy as fuck back then and terrified of rejection (and had gone from a small pond back in high school where I was fairly popular to being an absolute nobody in college). I really, really fucking hated it during my freshman year and in particular and begged my dad to let me come home and go to college there instead of thousands of miles away. But for better or worse he made me stick it out even though I was absolutely miserable. But if there was anything that got me through that horrible freshman year it was my discovery of two shows: 

Steven Universe and Gravity Falls

I binged SU first, having seen it when it first aired back in 2013 but then got back on the bandwagon for it around the time its first season ended, which was when I became a devout fan. GF was something I discovered through tumblr, I watched it not long after Not What He Seems premiered and fell in love hard and fast. I would spend hours watching and rewatching these episodes, reading fics and fan theories, speculating on what was going to happen next. Never before in my life had I ever discovered two shows that brought be so much joy and comfort until these two came into my life. I loved these characters, felt like they were the friends I knew I was lacking even though they were fictional. But they felt real, they felt alive to me. 

So fast forward to August/September 2015. I had just started my sophomore year and so far wasn’t having any better of a time than I had when I was a freshman. I still clung onto GF and SU as new, very exciting episodes were airing for both (that was the month we got the Last Mabelcorn and Catch and Release, for reference’s sake). And then, one night, while I was falling asleep in my cramp dorm room I shared with a roommate I couldn’t stand, the thought occurred to me: 

What if you brought these two things you loved so much... together?

It was a random thought, almost insignificant, but in the days that followed, I just couldn’t shake it. And the more I thought about it, the more I wanted to see these characters interact, the more I wanted to see their plots intertwine, the more I knew I was the one who had to write this since GF and SU crossovers were pretty scarce back then (unlike they are now in the new wave of SUF and GF crossovers that I don’t much care for). 

I was in the midst of a writing funk at the time, my ongoing Zelda fics all on hitaus while I began a new year at college. I had more or less lost passion for most of them, with the majority of them except my HW fic receiving low numbers of reviews and feedback (back then I didn’t really know how to promote my fics like I do now). Even so, I started planning on this new project, but not without a bit of hesitation since I’d never really worked with GF or SU characters before. But I began plotting out a chapter list (the original UF chapter list has been lost to the ages, I wrote it in an old homework planner during class), and I had decided that I wanted to try my hand at making this thing a comic. A hand drawn comic. And given that my drawing abilities were... subpar at best, yeaaaaah it wasn’t the best idea....

Still, I got through two parts of UF’s “first chapter” and posted them on here (they’re still up somewhere if you wanna go back and cringe hardcore at my bad old art). Still, it had taken me a loooooong ass time to draw them and even more crazy was the fact that my laptop had crashed during that span of time, leaving me with only my shitty iPad to work with. Frustrated, I decided to forego the stupid comic altogether and write the damn thing as a fanfic, knowing I could get chapters out way faster than I ever would have by drawing it. 

So I wrote the prologue and posted it on September 29, 2015. And let’s just say right off the bat people were excited. I’d never seen so many reviews on the first chapter of one of my fics before and those numbers only started to go up the more I posted. I was jazzed up to work on this fic, pushed on by this encouragement as I decided to build my relatively reblogging-heavy blog up around it. Toward the end of the year, when I was nearing the end of arc 1, I decided to get myself a drawing tablet and download Sai so I could begin drawing my own art for the fic, leading to me first passes of character designs and UF’s old fugly cover lol

Still, I kept going with it into 2016, getting through both arcs 2 and 3 as the fic only began to grow more and more with more engagement from its fans. AUs were made, fanfics and fanarts of my fic were created, it was a glorious time to be alive, even going into 2017, 2018, 2019, and now. And all the while I kept at it, coming up with sequel plans, taking breaks every now and then to refresh and recoup, and to give the new pet project I started in 2019 (Keys to the Kingdom) some time to shine. But I’ve still never truly lost passion for UF. It’s something I tend to see through to completion, no matter how long it takes.

Fast forward again and now its 2020. I’m 24 years old and still going strong with it, having just completed RMD, an arc ender that I always hoped would be my magnum opus for this fic (and I’m so incredibly proud of how it turned out). Both GF and SU have ended, their stories both told and their endings inspiring me in so many different ways. And while those stories are over, I still strive to keep these characters, or perhaps, my own unique takes on them, living on to tell new stories, to have new adventures right alongside the canon ones. To keep their flames going in the same spirit and hopefully try to follow, even in some small way, in the footsteps of Rebecca Sugar and Alex Hirsch, two of my absolute heroes in the animation world. 

So UF turns 5 this week. It’s half a decade old and it’s nearing its 100th chapter. Its passed the 1 million word mark quite some time ago and I’m sure it’ll pass 2 million before its all said and done. It’s accumulated thousands of reviews, hundreds of followers/favorites, plenty of incredible fan interactions across the board. It’s 9th arc is about to begin, leading the way into 2 more before its all said and done. And from there it’ll only grow when I eventually write UF2 and UFF sometime way down the line. All things I could have never imagined doing as a lonely college sophomore back in 2015 when I was just starting this fun little experiment off. But as for where we are with it no, well, I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

So here we are in the future. And, well, for UF at least, I’d say it’s pretty bright.