#suicide square

[ishootcops]

[coffeebanana]

Fic Summary:

"Adrien's in the hospital." Woken in the dead of night by a series of frantic phone calls, Marinette finds herself confronted with one of her worst fears. Next thing she knows, she's boarding a bus from New York to Montreal instead of flying home for winter break, contemplating how's she's going to navigate living with Adrien—who definitely wants nothing to do with her since the break up—for the indefinite future. Adrien just wants to find the energy to convince Marinette he's fine—that she can leave. Because having her here hurts too much, and he's better off alone. At least, that's what he tells himself. They're an ocean away from home, stuck together in a one-bedroom apartment, in a city suffocated by snow. The distance between them has never felt so insurmountable. But maybe there's hope after all.

[deservedgrace]

It's frustrating to me that so many resources for coping with suicidal ideation seem to run on the assumption of SI being an exclusively acute experience. Almost all of them start with something like "Remember, this is just a temporary feeling, and like all feelings they pass eventually!" and then they give short term solutions like grounding techniques, or distraction techniques, or breathing exercises, or nervous system regulation exercises with the purpose of calming down enough to get through these few rough moments of being dysregulated and upset.

And I'm not saying they're bad techniques, a lot of these things can be helpful when you're dealing with distressing emotions and feelings and can help them pass more smoothly. It just doesn't really translate to my experience of chronic, near constant suicidal ideation on some level for years, regardless of the circumstances and what I'm feeling.

When suicidality has just been your default, when it doesn't matter what emotions you're experiencing, when it's just a reality you have to deal with... you can't "calm your nervous system down" to a point where it gets rid of the thoughts; you experience them dysregulated and you experience them calm. You can't distract yourself from your entire life. "Don't worry, this is just temporary!" feels insensitive bordering on cruel.

I get that it's harder to give generic advice or coping skill in the situation of always having some level of suicidal ideation going on. But it sucks trying to seek help and basically none of the solutions are super helpful for your situation.

[thecactifindahome]

Devil's Minion but Armand doesn't chase Daniel, Daniel doesn't teach Armand, and neither of them even like each other.

Do not tell me they were together in the 70s/80s, Daniel had his memories of their meeting resurface after a few days in Dubai and he immediately stops uncovering memories after the torture is unearthed. It is cope and you know it.

[waxdream]

Trigger warning - adoption, suicide, trauma, objectification.

I need to talk about adoption in Flatland. I'm adopted, so the details of this part of the story are a bit hazy due to dissociation. But like, Abbott has so many little points in his book that it impresses me. I can't tell if he did it on purpose, but if he did, damn am I impressed.

I went to the foundling museum in London a few years ago. I cried a lot, seeing the stolen items, and the exhibition of 'adoptees/orphans/fosterlings in comic books' that was downstairs. That was my favourite museum exhibition ever. My item I had from my birth mother is a candle that sits on my shelf. It's blue, and I didn't know what it was for a long long time, until one day I was about to throw it away. Luckily, I asked my adoptive mother if she wanted it, and she told me what it was. I almost threw part of my history away.

Which leads me into flatland, and the equilateral triangles. A class of adoptees. The only adoptions mentioned in the book are forced apon triangle families by the state for 'angular purity', and in order to give higher class people with an inability to have children the chance to adopt. In a modern context, I would take this as a scathing read of the adoption system. Only lower class, male children with desireable qualities are eligible for this kind of class crossing adoption, and the birth family celebrate it. The lower class is indoctrinated into thinking that 'this is for the best'.

In the UK at the time of my adoption, I've been told the desirable child was a white baby girl with no obvious disabilities, blonde hair and blue eyes. My foster carers were ineligible to adopt me, and the cynic in me believes this was because I was considered an object with 'desireable' qualities. The shadow court in my mind says 'it could have made some rich middle class family very happy' when I'm feeling grumpy and objectified. Luckily, a charity helped fund my foster (now adoptive) family's court battle, and a law change in the second year of it allowed them to win. I got lucky.

I see a lot of parallels between my own adoption and the adoptions in Flatland. People saying 'it's for the best', who don't realise that many adoptions take place because poor, mentally ill and young people can't take care of children because of lack of support and money. The scalene triangles in Flatland could have raised the equilateral merchant class, given enough resources and better schooling. Just like how A square is able to Tutor his grandson Hex - a lawyer teaching someone of a higher class skills he himself does not necessarily need to know.

I can't help but think about how those trinkets didn't stay with the foundlings who lived in that house. How I almost threw my candle away. The triangles have the physical reminder of their shape, and yet still, they are told they are different. They are regular, not like those other triangles, "you're one of us, you always have been", a square father might say to his new son. "We deserve to have you". And then, when the triangle grows up, and his wife (who's own father was a square) gives birth to an irregular triangle, the filth of that triangle's DNA is shown once again, despite the outward appearence of regularity. That's what my own adoption feels like. I always waited to be revealed for the imposter that I was. But I wonder if in a way that feels cathartic for them - like the immense relief I felt when my adoptive mother saved my candle from the trash. It's proof that your adoption exists, that you exist as a complex, multifaceted shape.

I wonder if the pressure of being regular was removed from that man's shoulders when his son was not born a square, but a triangle. Maybe his wife divorced him and he remarries within his original class - a safer, more understand place. Is that a happy ending? Is there a happy ending for adoptees? I never used to think there was. I used to think my life would end soon. Not today but tomorrow, or other similar things I'd tell myself. "I'd be content if I died today" would be said often by the regular triangle.

I wanted to be a hexagon when I thought about what shape I'd be. But no, the humble equilateral triangle is for me. He was not born a girl like I was. But perhaps they're also non binary like me.

Noone is born thinking they are tainted. You're taught that by other people. The regular triangle is told to their face they are normal, and nothing is wrong, that their adoption never affected them. When the regular triangle realised they're trans and autistic, and had that validated, that's when they felt like a real shape. Not a doll. Not an object. I still feel tainted sometimes. It's hard not to when society teaches you your DNA is wrong. And sadly, I think that's a feeling so so many of us feel - adoptees and non adoptees alike.

Your DNA is not wrong. That's a lie. It's a dangerous lie that permeates modern society, not out in the open but under covers. Every time someone says 'it's not the same' in regards to adoption, it's a perpetuation of that lie.

If your feelings are that adoption as lesser, you need to seriously examine your mindset. Because it's a mindset that holds DNA as sacred, as important. And having that mindset is something that easily divides us as a people - it's giving an inch. What's important is who we are, our life experiences, the things that make us different from each other and the points in our lives that shape us. Society shapes us. Racism and patriarchy and homophobia and ableism - these negatives do shape us. DNA has a place in who we are too, but my point is that there's so much more to it than that. The friends we discover, the things we learn, growing as people, the beauty in the world.

And I had to learn that the hard way, because the only thing that society teaches adoptees is that they're replacements. Second best. Whatever other words you have for 'btech birth kid'. Just know, any fellow adoptees, that none of that is true.

I'm happy to answer questions, because I doubt my point is coming across as well as I wanted. The triangles have got me feeling sad, and I haven't even researched phrenology yet. To clarify all my points, adoption feels sucky, racism is awful, you are more than just what society tells you you are, I am the triangle (apart from all the marriage stuff - replace that part with learning I'm trans and autistic, it serves the same purpose in my narrative).

[royalreef]

(( Working on updating my rules today (after having already cleaned the house), and trying to figure out how to phrase this change to them.

Namely, I want to start writing Miranda's self harm impulses and urges and even attempts a little more graphically, and talk a lot more about the trauma and what she's gone through in the way that they still intrude on her life and that she's still ending up traumatized through the Merkingdom again and again. I feel like it's dishonest, a bit, to not feature them, because understanding them and understanding Miranda's own feelings regarding them is key to knowing how to even move forward or what that might even look like to begin with.

Like, my point is that you can't have Miranda without the ugly parts. That's one of the themes that I'm working with here, and something that's very important to me. You can't have her without her trauma and abuse, and you can't have her without the atrocities that she commits and which she serves as a part of the Merkingdom's royals. You have to come to terms with both, and part of that is truly understanding and getting how nasty they are to begin with. I refuse to make them look cool, or fun, or enjoyable by any definition. If violence happens, my goal is to write it as deeply uncomfortable and horrific and possible, and the repercussions of that violence are always going to ripple out and grow larger and larger over time.

It feels wrong to me, to mention all of this and to have it feature so heavily, but not be willing to ever look it in the eye and see it for what it is, you know? Innuendo and fading-to-black just aren't cutting it here. There's a lack of understanding that these promote, and I'm not a huge fan of obscuring the very things that I am trying to get people to grasp.

[tea-and-secrets]

I tried to kill myself last week. I didn’t tell anybody. I’ve been clean from self harm for 5 years and I just broke. I’m so incredibly ashamed of myself

<3

[bichambered-reservoir]

i do NOT know how to tag this one folks. it is schrödinger's v,ore; you can only find out if it's fatal or safe when you look inside the stomach. If you are offput by anything resembling fatal, don't take the chance

Full image + backstory under the cut [Gore (mild visual depiction, explicit description) warning, description/mention of suicide, drug use]

+ DOOZY of a ramble

This is Moe and Perrai from my m,usic man speculative biology project: Homo mousike. The reason why I have no idea what this counts as, safe/fatalwise is because the prey in question(Perrai) did get digested, which is why his bones are exposed, but he's not digesting now. Because he's already dead. He's reliving the event that killed him in the afterlife, knowing he can't die from it again.

OKAY SO. HOOH. IM SO GLAD THAT I CAN FINALLY TALK ABOUT THESE 2. I CAN'T V,OREPOST ON MAIN.

Okay so. Moe and Perrai were disowned+kicked out from home when their families found out they were in a relationship. Perrai was first, and Moe could support him, but when Moe was disowned shit hit the fan really quick.

A big problem in the modern era of Bolur where everywhere is now a triad society is the problem of purchasing power. Zebraelves are always at a slight advantage because they need less of everything on account of being 2 feet tall, but Debu are usually at a disgusting disadvantage because they need WAY more of everything when they're the size of a small house. Debu in modern societies are often disadvantaged and are in cultures of poverty, where there often has to be a seperate circle of government to actually work with their needs, but while these two are in their modern era, they're not in the social equivalent of our modern day, more like in their 1960's while technologically they're comparable to our late 90's-early 2000's.

This is all to say; When Moe, the 20 ton mammoth became homeless in a time where a combined Debu and Zebrapeople society was just barely working to actually support their debu, they very quickly became shit outta luck, especially with the tension on interspecies and homosexual relationships (both zebrapeople and debu look down on interspecies relationships, but debu are unique for homophobia) barring them from what limited help that there was for the both of them. Unfortunately they turned to making a suicide pact to escape their situation.

The both of them had this... fantasy? Fantasy has a sexual connotation but that's what it was? Their species' are very incompatible when it came to kissing or any sort of intimacy and the method they did for "making out" was just Moe ravenously stuffing Perrai into his mouth, and that sort of escalated to the respective desires to eat and be eaten by the both of them. What made it even more potent is that Debu actually practice mortuary cannibalism; When Debu die, the deceased are decapitated to preserve the consciousness inside the head, bled out to preserve the medium for their new bodies in the underworld (their blood), and then the rest of the body is prepared and eaten. Debu culture is based around scarcity, and when a Debu is lost the entire community will be worse off, and this way they give one final contribution to their loved ones, whom a part of them will always live inside. The fact that this is a legally recognized and accepted form of cannibalism will be important later, but know that whole spiritual jar of bees where Moe believes Perrai would be one/live within him is making their v,orey desires (and future issues) all the more potent.

Moe and Perrai took this poisonous stimulant both to kill Moe and help Perrai with the pain of, yknow, digesting alive (and to also overdose if digesting was too slow), but what Perrai also did was bring a camera in there.

Perrai proceeds to create the most infamous footage in Bolur's modern era, a 4 hour long manifesto against what lead him and Moe to this point also containing the rarest perspective on the most difficult death to record.

Debu cannibalism is a war crime since they have evolved osteophagy, they digest everything and don't leave any body or keepsake of the victim behind, and unfortunately there were already videos depicting this. However, these other videos were comparably dogshit because 1. it's very hard to get a camera in there 2. victims of murder are not focused on staying still to get a video, and are generally focused on trying to survive. Perrai took care of the camera problem, and alongside being a willing participant, he also stayed incredibly still because he had a message to send, anger to express, and that he did because Moe underdosed.

Moe overdosed, but didn't die, and was arrested for possession of possession fruit (lol), but while he was held in jail, he passed the camera, revealing a whole war crime but more importantly: a dilemma. Usually cannibalism as a war crime would be punishable by death but there was documented enthusiastic consent and since mortuary cannibalism was legal, why couldn't this be allowed?

... This dilemma, which was only delaying his actual proper trial and sentence, was to the dismay of Moe, who was desperately trying to get the death penalty to the point he was famously confessing to outrageous fake crimes like eating babies and running over the elderly. Partially because, yeah, he was suicidal and was already set on death that day, but also because of the fact that Moe wanted Perrai to be his last meal, and was incredibly tender to the fact that he would be. If his death was prolonged for much longer, that might not be the case anymore, and that's exactly what happened. Debu are also known for being dead last when it came to establishing laws in war and illegalizing torture, and Moe was forcefed during his fast, only making him more desperate. The whole thing only became more sensationalized when he was interviewed, providing the whole context and, to Moe's further dismay, charming those who were following along with his monotony.

After many pleads, though, Moe got the guillotine like he wanted. Bittersweet ending.

They did it again as ghosts so Perrai could focus on experiencing it, since the first time Perrai was just kind of letting out the accumulation of months of emotions in the 4 hours leading up to his death.

[redpenship]

a double flash event near empire territory has been detected by satellites

[courseyoulovemeyoudontknowme]

An American Werewolf in London (1981, John Landis)

13/04/2024

[anghraine]

I was just thinking of how fun it is when female characters are allowed to really viscerally enjoy power.

I'm thinking especially of cases when the character's power doesn't come from some MacGuffin, or a malevolent, psychologically damaging power like the Dark Side, or even an external source at all. I just really like the trope of female characters who are powerful because they're both talented and have put work into refining talent into skill, and who clearly enjoy using their very legitimate skill for their own ends, whatever the ends may be.

I was thinking of examples, and the first ones to come to mind were Korra and Kuvira from Legend of Korra, who I love both individually and as a ship. But part of the reason I enjoy both characters so much, hero and villain, is how much they enjoy being world-class benders.

Lots of people in that show are rightly confident about their power or abilities. But there's confidence and then there's the sheer enjoyment they have at being powerful benders who can and will wipe the earth with their foes, and it's just super enjoyable in this specific way I don't often see.

[coffeebanana]

Chapter 3: Those Cracks In The Pavement Remain

Excerpt

Thick white flakes flew in Marinette’s face as she emerged from the taxi, obscuring a cluster of tall, wide-windowed towers. With a sleek, modern design, they seemed more like office buildings than wings of a hospital. They cast long shadows, chilling her to the depths of her bones. Somewhere in that mess was Adrien, hurt and alone. The reminder of that kept Marinette fixed to the spot like an ancient statue. Like the years had eroded her very foundation, and one wrong move would cause her to crumble. Nino had been right, even if he hadn't actually said it. This was her fault.

[alloutshirt]

hate periods for making me feel like years of trying to heal are thrown out the window every month

[acidhued]

crochet is going to be the death of me

[ashmp3]

re-fangs but i wore braces (surprisingly) and when I took them off they wanted to shave off my teeth (i do really have sharp canines and 80% of my teeth shaped like fangs on both sets of teeth which is ig not Thee Aesthetic) to get the uniformed square tic tac herbivore jeonghan looking teeth which i said No don’t touch them. and my dentist was SO pissed off he was so rude bc of that 😪 anyway fast forward shit happens i stop wearing my retainer and my teeth are again crowded and messy

[sunmisbf]

moodzville it’s so fucking over