#still not a fan of the fandom claiming that Kaya has nothing to apologise about

[academyofbrokenhearts]

Standing in the Wake of Devastation

Suna and Kaya, in the aftermath of the storm. Taken from episode 51. One-shot.

Author (lengthy) note:

Okay, listen, LISTEN. Episode 51 was quite intense as far as KaySun goes, and I have to say I disagree with many of the takes I saw in the fandom following it. One of the major takes I disagree with was "Suna knew Kaya would never hurt her, she was frightened for him, not of him". No, friends, she did not know that, and judging by the way Beril Pozam played the scene, I am quite sure she was frightened of him during his outburst of rage. Suna is a victim of severe physical and psychological abuse, and has been for most of her life. That has to leave some scars. Plus, she has only known Kaya for a short while, and even if he has treated her quite well up until now (especially compared to the other men in her life), it doesn't mean she trusts him blindly.

BUT ALSO. While I wasn't a fan of him telling him the following morning that she was going to be even more sorry if something similar were to happen again, and while it did sound very close to a threat for me, it obviously wasn't the case for her, considering that she is linking arms with him on her own volition in their next scene, even if he's obviously still upset with her. So I tried my best to illustrate her inner voice.

Does she love him? Probably not yet, but she is loyal to him (as seen in the scene with Abidin), and she is attracted to him, and I do think there is potential for more there. They need to TAAAAAAAAAAAAALK. But alas, they are too damaged at the moment for that.

And yes, I do believe that the writer made the correct choice by not making them talk after Kaya's outburst. I know you all wanted otherwise, but to me it makes sense. They need to build more trust, I think, and that comes with time. People like them will not open up so easily. Hell, it's actually a miracle they were so honest with each other up until this point.

Title inspired by Linkin Park's "Iridescent".

AO3 link here.

It has to be the adrenaline from earlier in the night that keeps Suna from wavering on her feet when Kaya's rage explodes.

That, and the certain something in her that shifted ever since she understood he intended to keep his promise to support her. She doesn't even have to think too much before jumping in his way and trying to stop him from hurting himself, as he's hitting his head on the wardrobe in anger, his previous words, the pain of betrayal echoing in every sound.

didn't we promise to be open and honest with each other didn't we say we were going to walk together on this way

I trusted you

I trusted you

Then his hands are all of a sudden on her wrists, her back to the wardrobe, and she cannot move, and in the blink of an eye, it's like time freezes, and the old fear seeps into her bones, because she knows the story so well from here on out, and it's her heart that cries, because he didn't promise her a fairy tale, but he did promise he will support her always, and why didn't she come to him, he's not his mother, he would have understood, he would have helped, and now it's like he's someone else, and why does every single action of hers, every single decision, turn out to be so wrong, and she was mistaken and she did something bad and now he's angry, and with blood frozen in her veins and heart in her throat, part of her expects a hit that never comes, because he just pushes her away.

She doesn't even have time to process what happened, before he starts hitting his head again. And it goes against everything she learned, against every single act of self-preservation she has internalised, but she hurries in his direction once more.

"Kaya, stop!"

She drags him away, and before she knows it, she's on her knees, Kaya crying with his face buried in her shoulder, holding her as if she's the only thing stopping him from drowning.

For a few moments, she doesn't know what to do with her hands. She's tentatively holding him, traces of her temporary fear still lingering, but in spite of it all, she whispers to him that it's okay, although things are so far from being okay. He cries even harder, and she feels one of his hands holding her head, caressing her hair.

This is also a story she knows well.

She knows how to console a child who is crying, has always knew. How many times did she hold Seyran just like this?

There's nothing scary about a hurt child crying in one's arms, after all.

So she goes through the motions. She embraces him fully, she returns his caresses, she's murmuring gibberish, until his eyes grow heavy, until he allows her to guide him back to bed, until he's lying there with his head on her chest, occasional sobs still rattling his chest.

They don't speak. Seyran and her never spoke either, back then. What's there to say in such moments?

*

In the morning, Kaya is calm and composed, but rigid, and more distant than Suna ever saw him. She does apologise; she didn't intend to offend him or hide things from him, not really, but the situation is complicated as it is, and she doesn't really see how she could have included Kaya in Seyran's escape plan, with Ferit and Abidin also around.

Part of her hates that Abidin can still affect her so much. She has chosen her way, what good is it to linger on the past? They were never in sync, and with the way things are going, it looks like they will never be.

"I don't want you to see me like this ever again, Suna," Kaya says.

"I don't want to see you like this either," she replies. It's far from being a lie; the memory of his voice, of his entire demeanour, still gives her slight chills, but there are also some parts that make her heart flutter weirdly in her chest.

He trusted her.

He really, really wanted to support her.

She's overwhelmed with a sudden urge to touch him, like she did during the night, but she refrains herself. Not yet. Not yet. Because he speaks again:

"If something like this happens again, you will be even more sorry."

It sounds like a threat, and she should perceive it as such, but strangely, she does not. He leaves, and all she feels is a flicker of disappointment.

I trusted you

I'm an idiot

I trusted you

*

It's shortly before the formal event they are supposed to attend, and she knows he must have heard the click of her high heels on the floor, but he doesn't turn towards her.

He's fully dressed in black, just like she is. Always in sync, her and Kaya - except when they are not.

She comes by his side, but his gaze remains ahead, unmoved, his hands in his pockets, his posture rigid. Like she isn't even there.

She understands he's not going to move, so she takes a deep breath, links her arm with his. He still does not look at her, still does not touch her in return, but she thinks she can feel his body relaxing, ever so slightly.

He doesn't touch her on their way there either.

It's only later, when Seyran comes after the Korhans, after their father, on television, metaphorical guns out, later, when she stands at the reception petrified (of admiration? of apprehension? maybe both?), that she feels Kaya's hand covering hers, squeezing gently, and although it's a difficult moment, and she doesn't know what the future has in store for her, for them both, she feels a weight in her chest she wasn't even aware of dissipating.

He still trusts her.

He still supports her, after all.