“If both of you were to text Chris, right now, at the same time - who would he respond to first?
Anthony: “Let’s see.” (picks up phone)
Sebastian: “Let’s do it.” (picks up his)
Anthony: “You ready?”
Sebastian: “Yep.”
“Three, two, one.”
“Hey guys, welcome to Stir Crazy. My guests today are almost as ripped as I am, and yes I’m only saying that because they’re on Zoom and can’t hurt me. It’s the Falcon and Winter Soldier themselves; Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan.”
Sebastian: “Hello.”
Anthony: “You don’t even have a clap track, dude? You don’t like, hit the button and it - ”(claps)
“You can’t hear the applause? I always hear the applause going - you don’t?”
Anthony: “I know. I know you do.” (Josh laughs)
“How do I refer to you guys collectively as a unit nowadays? Is it, is it Stackie? Is it Stanky? How do you - what do you go by?”
Sebastian: “Stanky, I guess.”
Anthony: “I like Stanky.”
Sebastian: “Stanky.”
“I’m just curious; are you guys contractually bound to have seen all of the MCU films? Have you seen all 23 Marvel films?”
Sebastian: “Yeah, ex -except for the last Spiderman but that’s just because I always have to be in the right mood in order to see Tom Holland and - (Anthony laughs). And lately, I’m less and less in that mood.”
Anthony: “Just not in that mood.”
“Wow. He’s the most likeable man on the planet and you are the only two people giving him shade. What’s going on?”
Sebastian: “That’s what he wants you to think.” (Josh laughs)
Anthony: “Yeah, very true.”
“Okay, here’s the big spoiler everybody really wants to know about your relationship. Who is the better friend with Chris Evans?”
Anthony: “Me.”
Sebastian: “And, to quote Chris Evans; ‘news to me.’” (Josh and Anthony laugh)
“If - okay, if both of you were to text Chris, right now, at the same time - who would he respond to first?”
Anthony: “Let’s see.” (picks up phone)
“Do it.”
Anthony: “We have to send it at the same time.”
“Okay.”
Sebastian: “Okay, hold on.”
“Let’s synchronize. Okay, here we go - this is big.”
Anthony: “You ready?”
Sebastian: “Yep.”
“Three, two, one.”
Sebastian: “Alright.”
“Anthony: “Alright.”
“Wow; lots of tension. Chris Evans, it’s up to you. Who do you love more? Don’t - no cheating. Let us know.”
Sebastian: “I actually texted him, Anthony. I -”
Anthony: “I texted him too.”
“So, as we’ve discussed before, it’s a big mantle you guys are taking on with this. Obviously, Chris had America’s ass - um, but it’s not just about your asses in the MCU. There are a lot of asses on the Avengers; let’s take a look at some photos and you tell me whose ass this is.”
Sebastian: “I know that belt.”
Anthony: “That’s er, Pratt.”
Sebastian: “Maybe it’s Evans.”
“O for two - let’s see it.”
Anthony: “It’s so small.”
“It is small - that would have been a good clue. It’s Ant Man; it’s Paul Rudd.”
Anthony: “Oh.”
Sebastian: “Must’ve been his stunt double.”
Anthony: “That’s Scarlett Johansson.”
Sebastian: “100%.”
Anthony: “100%.”
“Well done, well done gentlemen. That’s a superstar butt.”
Anthony: “That might be Sebastian. That’s the littlest ass in the universe.”
“I’ll give you a hint; that is - that is a British butt. That is not Sebastian Stan’s butt.”
Sebastian: “And it’s certainly not Tom Hiddleston.”
“Why not? How do you know?”
Sebastian: “There’d be more meat on those bones.” (Josh and Anthony laugh)
“Wow, that’s a strange butt. It’s Benedict Cumberbatch’s butt.”
Anthony: “I could see that.”
“Yeah, there it is.”
Anthony: “That’s Sebastian. See how there’s no cuff on that ass? That’s Sebastian.”
“Sebastian, is that your butt?”
Sebastian: “That might be it. Just ‘cos I know those jeans.”
“Apparently you’re sharing jeans with Tom Hiddleston, because those are Tom Hiddleston’s.”
Anthony: “Oh.”
Sebastian: “Oh no! I’m thrown - I’m thrown off by that A, Josh.” (Josh laughs)
“Don’t let - don’t let it distract you. Focus on the ass.”
Anthony: “Is that a butt?”
“I guarantee it’s a butt. Our - our crack team insists it’s a butt.”
Anthony: “Ah-ha, Evans just hit me back.”
“What’d he say?!”
Sebastian: “Not me.” (Anthony and Josh laugh)
“It is definitive.”
Sebastian: “There we go; Anthony wins. Oh, he got me. He beat you by a second. (Josh audibly keeps laughing, Anthony’s is silent). I love him.”
“Are either of you willing to reveal what he said?”
Anthony: “Nothing. I text him I love you, he text me back ‘I love you too, miss you.’”
“And Sebastian?”
Sebastian: “That’s what I said. I said I love you, hope you’re good. He goes ‘He beat you by a second.’”(Josh and Anthony laugh, Josh applauds)
Sebastian: “That’s great, that’s great.”
“It was so close, though. He went right in quick succession. Sebastian, how do you feel knowing, definitively, Chris Evans loves Anthony more?”
Sebastian: “Oh, I’m okay with that. (Josh laughs) We’re okay; we’re all the same - we’re, we’re okay.”
“Speaking of which, this butt belongs to - it’s America’s ass.”
Sebastian: “Oh!”
“Well that’s, that’s unfortunate.”
Sebastian: “Oh, Hulk. When was that taken?” (Josh and Anthony laugh)
“That’s a candid I took. No, that’s in Thor: Ragnarok.”
Anthony: “Yo, Ruffalo always trying to get out of his pants (Josh laughs). I think that’s Sebass - I think that’s Sebastian; I think that’s - ”
Sebastian: “It might be me.”
Anthony: “ - the Vanilla Sensation.”
“Don’t you know your own body?”
Anthony: “Look at that, I knew it. I knew it.”
“You’ve spent a lot of time around that; you know that.”
Sebastian: “It’s really present in that. Oh yeah, we know it.”
Anthony: “Here it is. There it is.”
“There’s the money maker. That’s the one.”
Anthony: “There it is.”
“That’s the - yep.”
Sebastian: “ - tucked in.”
Anthony: “That’s the round - “That’s the round brown, baby.”
“That’s the one Evans chose. (Josh audibly laughs, Seb and Anthony laugh silently) On Tik Tok, which I know you guys love the Tik Tok lately, they do a kind of newlywed game where they point at each other. They point at the person that the question applies to. So let’s play a version of that. I’m going to ask a question; you point at the person this applies to. Who can do a better impression of the other? (Sebastian and Anthony point at each other). You’re saying each other? Okay, let me hear it. Can someone do an impression?”
Anthony: “I can’t do Sebastian, but he does a great impression of me.”
“Let’s hear it.”
Sebastian: “Cut the check, number five aren’t rolling! (Josh laughs audibly, Anthony silently) Any day now, any day, Cari. Any day. Why won’t anybody kiss me?” (Josh and Anthony laugh)
“The one man Anthony Mackie show, coming soon to Broadway.”
Anthony: “That was good, that was good.”
“Who’s got the better abs?” (Anthony points at Sebastian)
Anthony: “Sebastian.”
Sebastian: “May - maybe. (Josh laughs)
“I did notice in the first episode only one man had his shirt off.”
Sebastian: “Don’t worry, it’s coming.”
“Yeah?”
Sebastian: “You’re gonna see the rest.”
Anthony: “ You -” (laughs)
“Oh.” (laughs)
Sebastian: “It’s coming episode - I wanna - ”
Anthony: “Four.”
Sebastian: “Three or four.”
“That’s the full frontal episode; that’s the totally nude episode.”
Anthony: “Me in my Speedo.”
“By the way, have you guys ever discussed on set who’s character name is a better name for male genitalia - Falcon or Winter Soldier?”
Anthony: “You know what? Never a conversation we had, but I’m glad you’re thinking about it.”
“Yeah, that’s all I think about generally. (Josh laughs audibly, Anthony silently) What do you think, now that I - I give you the provocative question?”
Anthony: “Gotta be the Winter Soldier.”
Sebastian: “Something about ice and Winter doesn’t go well with it .”(Josh laughs, claps once)
Anthony: “No, it’s just like - ”
Sebastian: “But - ”
Anthony: “You know- ”
Sebastian: “I would say - you ready for the Falcon? (Josh laughs audibly, Anthony silently). I mean it kind of, it has more of a thing with it, you know what I mean? Here comes the Falcon.”
“Wow, oh God. A peek into - ”
Anthony: “You ready for the Falcon?” (all three laugh)
“Alright, who’s more neurotic?”
Sebastian: “Me, of course.”
Anthony: “Oh my God, Sebastian.”
“Yeah?”
Sebastian: “100%.”
Anthony: “Oh my God.”
“Even with the Falcon? Even with the you - you’ve got the Falcon?”
Sebastian: “Even with the Falcon.” (Josh laughs)
Anthony: “You know - ”
Sebastian: “It’s so more like, oh let’s - let’s hope the Falcon’s; let’s hope the Falcon’s coming.” (all three laugh)
“Let’s pray - “
Anthony: “Let’s hope the Falcon’s awake.” (all three laugh)
“Is the Falcon ready for lift-off? Let’s hope.”
Sebastian: “Can’t wait - can’t wait for this to be on YouTube. (Josh laughs)
“Alright, I want to decide once and for all who’s the better actor. You guys ready? This is how we’re gonna do it. Iconic roles that you have not played yet - I wanna hear your best line reading; this is your audition mixtape.”
Sebastian: “This is gonna be terrible.”
“No, it’s gonna be wonderful.”
Sebastian: “You buried me alive like - didn’t I do a Star Wars audition with you?”
“Yeah.”
Sebastian: “That really helped.” (Josh laughs)
“We don’t know yet!”
Sebastian: “Yeah, I guess. Let me tell you something. I didn’t get the role, Josh.”
“What? It’s not over yet.”
Sebastian: “Jesus.”
“Best Wolverine, come on. You can do it.”
Sebastian: “You know, sometimes when you cage the beast, the beast gets angry.” (Anthony laughs)
“Mackie does not approve. You’re not supposed to be laughing, Anthony. Okay Anthony, you give it. Let me hear it.”
Anthony: “You know, sometimes when you cage the beast, the beast gets angry.”
“I mean, Sebastian, I’ll think you’ll agree, sadly - I mean you gave it a good go, but come on.”
Sebastian: “He went Julliard deep on that.” (Josh and Anthony laugh)
“It’s not over yet. Let’s - let’s do a little Dominic Toretto from Fast and Furious.”
Anthony: “Oh boy.”
“Okay, Mackie, you wanna go first?”
Anthony: “I don’t have friends, I have family.”
Sebastian: “I would love to see like, both of us auditioning like, like one after the other, you know, on the same thing because I’d be like (yelling) ‘I don’t have friends. I have family.’ (Josh laughs audibly, Anthony silently) The little - the little tickle in the, in the voice - “
“That’s a little James Dean.”
“Sebastian: “ - going up in the higher register (Josh laughs). You know, ‘It’s tearing me apart!’”
Anthony: “I think - I think you won that one, Sebastian. That was - ”
“Yeah, it’s a different interpretation.”
Anthony: “Something about that - something about your performance screams he Fast and the Furious.”
“Let’s do the last one. Iconic - James Bond. Give me ‘The name’s Bond, James Bond’ - Sebastian Stan.”
Sebastian: “The name is Bond - ” (all three laugh)
Anthony: “What was that?”
“Alright Anthony, it’s your; it’s your part to take now, from Sebastian’s clutches.”
Anthony: “Alright. ‘The name’s Bond; James Bond.’” (Sebastian laughs)
“He treated it with respect; the respect the part deserves. Anthony Mackie - the new James Bond.” (Anthony and Josh applaud) Before I end your careers definitively, some would you rather questions and then it’s all over. The careers are over. Would you rather, Sebastian, only be on Gossip Girl the rest of your career, or never act again?”
Sebastian: Oh my God. Jesus.”
“Yeah.”
Sebastian: “Uh, no man - I would - I would be on, I would be on Gossip Girl for the rest of my life.”
“Okay.”
Sebastian: “That was - that was my choice.”
Anthony: “It’s a lot of money.”
“Music to my ears. Anthony, would you rather be the new Captain America or be an NFL Hall of Famer?”
Sebastian: “Tough question.”
Anthony: “NFL Hall of Famer. You’re asking me would I rather be Jerry Rice or Captain America? I wanna be Jerry Rice.” (Josh laughs)
“Okay, there it is. This is for both of you - choose your death. Would you rather be sat on by Hulk or eaten by Rocket Raccoon?”
Sebastian: “Jesus.”
Anthony: “Sat on.”
Sebastian: “No, man. I - probably eaten by - by Rocket Raccoon.”
Anthony: “Oh, that’s a slow death, dude.”
“Yeah, that’s nasty.”
Snthony: “That’s piece by piece.”
(hisses) Like little - yeah - ”
Sebastian: “Something about the sat, yeah.”
Anthony: “You ever spent time around a raccoon?”
Sebastian: “Have you ever been sat on?” (they all laugh) Guess so!”
“And finally, this is the Dakota Johnson memorial question; she asked me this on a previous episode. Would you rather have a mouthful of bees or one bee in your butt?”
Sebastian: “My God! Somehow, the mouth full of bees, man. I - I, I don’t know. I feel like the other one would be more hurtful, no?”
“One bee - just one little bee in your butt, you can’t take it?”
Sebastian: “I don’t know - I don’t know. That’s a tough sting though, sensitive area. (Josh laughs)
“What about you Anthony?”
Anthony: “Imma have a bee in my ass for 300, please.” (Josh and Sebastian laugh)
“So many pull quotes that will end your career from this conversation today.”
Sebastian: “I know.” (all three laugh) Another thing, Sunday headline.” (more laughter)
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