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shallowseeker · 3 months ago

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So, what does Dean feel like he's SUPPOSED to be like?

The happy-go-lucky firestarter, ready to bounce back and take on the world, to forgive everyone and have no anxiety about it:

DEAN: What if we win? BOBBY stares at him. SAM turns to face DEAN, who sounds a bit too confident. DEAN: I'm serious. I mean, screw the angels and the demons and their crap apocalypse. Hell, they want to fight a war, they can find their own planet. This one's ours, and I say they get the hell off it. We take 'em all on. We kill the devil. Hell, we even kill Michael if we have to. But we do it our own damn selves. BOBBY: And how are we supposed to do all this, genius? DEAN: I got no idea. But what I do have is a GED and a give-'em-hell attitude, and I'll figure it out. BOBBY (breathless smile): You are nine kinds of crazy, boy.

But beneath that, Dean's struggling:

DEAN: I just said a bunch of crap for Bobby's benefit. I tried, Sammy. I mean, I really tried. But I just can't keep pretending that everything's all right. Because it's not. And it's never going to be. You chose a demon over your own brother—I'm just—I'm having a hard time forgiving and forgetting here. You know?

Bobby set an example about being family:

BOBBY: I was awake. I know what I said back there. I just want you to know that...that was the demon talking. I ain't cutting you out, boy. Not ever. SAM: Thanks, Bobby. BOBBY: You're welcome. I deserve a damn medal for this, but...you're welcome.

But Dean is human, and broken trust is hard to mend. Dean isn't feeling that kind of faith. He's feeling terrified, horrified, fatalistic.

///

Inside, Dean's in a war between John...and Bobby.

Does he become like John, cutting people out because "it's safer (and easier) that way?" Or does he model himself more after Bobby?

John's life was devastated by lies. He was kept in the dark about his hunting heritage and Mary lied to him. She didn't trust him with the truth. She was even more of a hardened, overprotective soldier than he was.

In John's mind, if Mary had trusted him, if she'd told him the truth, they could have worked together to protect their family and home.

We'll see John's devastation in a few episodes re: lies and not being trusted. 5x13:

John sees Mary fight, and he recognizes that she's good—too good. (In fact, she's a better fighter than he is—and as it turns out even more of a soldier than he is—a child soldier, raised in a hunting family.)

He's devastated, but not necessarily because of the hunting. It was the lies. Here, John sees her overprotectiveness as a lack of trust.

He was chosen as a father, but he was never given the chance to know about the danger. He was cut off from gathering tools, preparing, or even trying to protect them.

And so, Mary starts tapping her family resources to keep them all safe, and John feels like a total outsider, not important enough to be in the know.

Not a hunter, and not a trusted protector.

"A nice civilian boy."

John is rendered a damsel, waiting around for distress.

Sam and Mary jump into hunter shop-talk, talking a lingo that John can't understand.

It's not the kids' table, exactly. At least not in the way that Sam and Jack will struggle with it. But John's definitely an outsider, hearing the lingo and trying to keep up: "thingy" and "whatever- it-is."

John's at the Civilian table. The damsel table.

///

Everyone struggles with outsider-ness. Dean has it regarding the angels/angel wars. We hear echoes of this in how Dean refers to Cas's fellow soldiers as "frat bros" (s5-6). We hear it in Dean's words in s12, about being treated too preciously: "You're not our babysitter, Cas! Besides, when have we ever been safe?"

The thing is... in response to it all?

John hardens. "Life" happens to him. And it ain't pretty.

Many of our main characters will express these same fears, of being ineffective, of being useless.

Faliures.

And Dean gets it. He has a lot of sympathy on this front.

But when John's trust and faith in the world breaks, he tends to respond to strife by overpreparing... to the point of cruelty and neglect. John's armor damages the very thing he sought to protect in the first place. His family.

John' retreated into a hardened shell of cruelty and coldness.

///

But back to Dean in 5x04:

Dean's feeling prickly, defeated, fatalistic, and now he's feeling on the precipice of hardening, too. This conversation between Bobby and Dean in 4x22 is something Dean's been ruminating over:

BOBBY: You don't mean that. DEAN: Yes I do, Bobby... BOBBY: You stupid, stupid son of a bitch! Well, boo hoo, I am so sorry your feelings are hurt, princess! Are you under the impression that family's supposed to make you feel good?! Bake you an apple pie, maybe? They're supposed to make you miserable! That's why they're family! DEAN: I told him, "you walk out that door, don't come back" and he walked out anyway! That was his choice! BOBBY: You sound like a whiny brat. No, you sound like your dad. Well, let me tell you something. Your dad was a coward. DEAN: My dad was a lot of things, Bobby, but a coward? BOBBY: He'd rather push Sam away than reach out to him. Well, that don't strike me as brave. You are a better man than your daddy ever was. So you do both of us a favor. Don't be him.

///

So, what are some of Dean's other anxieties lately?

The conversation with Bobby is huge. Dean is reeling from how SCARY it is to become disheartened and disillusioned by both trusted enterprises (Heaven) and trusted family (Sam). Dean wonders if his own feelings (numbness, depression, betrayal) are going to turn him into John. No one's bouncing back right now, not even Bobby.

Obviously, Dean is anxious about being Michael's "receptacle." We see that when he faces off against Zach, and how their words manifest, and we also see this when Dean sees the state of Raphael's vessel.

Then there's losing Cas and feeling guilty about failing him. Cas is a frustrating bastard, so Dean spends a lot of time bickering with him instead of showing his guilt outright, but we DO see Dean's guilt at work. Dean was, after all, quick to go to face off against Raphael, mentally reworking his mental picture into it being a suicide mission for both of them, even though Cas was pretty straightforward about Dean being expected to survive it off the bat, "Because no angel would dare harm you."

There's also losing Cas and THEN being (rightfully) scared of Cas coming back. It was scary as Hell that Cas, someone you can't punch without hurting your own hand, could die in the first place. It's even scarier that Cas comes back. Good things don't just happen... What's the friggin' catch?

And after all those heroics, Cas is kinda fatalistic about joining their side. What is now the losing side. Cas said it himself: "It was all for nothing. You and your brother failed." So... Maybe Dean likes Cas. Maybe he was in awe of how cool and heroic Cas was, but after the fact, Cas is just as demoralized and fatalistic as Dean himself is, grasping at equally hopeless straws. Cas thinks his ideas or stupid; he thinks Cas's ideas are stupid. What if Cas is regretting it--would rather, IDK, "belong to a much better club?" What is Cas is only here because now he's stuck with them now? What is Cas is mad because Cas knows he made the wrong bet because Dean and his family are just a bunch of failures, totally not worth falling for? What if Cas falling has nothing to do with Dean... what if it's all family baggage, like with Raphael, and Dean isn't important to him at all? And wait just a damn minute... What's this bubbly feeling in Dean's stomach... Does he WANT to be important to Cas? NOTE: // We'll get an echo of this in Dean's reversal-power arc in s10, as AnneMarie laments Demon Dean's "heroics:" ANNEMARIE (ABOUT DEMON DEAN saying he was defending and protecting her): Yeah. I thought so, too. Seeing you take on Matt, I was like, “wow”" no one's ever done that for me before. But then you kept going and going, and I realized whatever is going on with you has nothing to do with my “honor” at all.

A huge one: Dean's more reliable parent, the ever-present Bobby, has also become fatalistic and depressed. To make matters more complicated, now Bobby is disabled... because he chose to save Dean by stabbing himself in the gut. What if Sam's right, that Bobby won't bounce back this time? Bobby isn't doing too well with feeling "useless."

Oof: That brings us to Cas's failing powers. Cas can't heal Bobby anymore. Cas isn't invincible. He can fuckin' die. He can fuckin' bleed. He can get angry. His powers failing. That's...scary as Hell. Cas can't find them on command anymore. They have to talk to him via phone. Dean may start off feeling wary of the rib sigil and Cas's other abilities, but confusingly, Dean also WANTS Cas to be able to fly to him at the drop of a hat. Cas's protection is... well, even with Dean's misgivings and frustrations about a few things lately... Dean likes it.

Becoming disillusioned with Sam. Sam is one of Dean's stabler relationships in his life. But Sam was, in the demon's words, RECKLESS and ARROGANT. It's the folly of youth, it's growing up. Everyone goes through it, but man oh man, it's hard. It's true that depression can be severe, that it can LOOK like a person is self-involved and selfish, because they're just trying to survive. Sometimes big emotions and depression can give a person tunnel vision, and Sam... definitely has tunnel vision. Sam only has the energy to care about himself right now, and while understandable, that sucks for Dean.

Acting Weird (TM) around Cas in 5x03. I think this could be a source of some sexual anxiety. Maybe Dean even feels weird about the brothel. Maybe there's some kind of weird pull/connection towards Cas that Dean's feeling that he can't find a proper label for. A weird hero worship (?), fluttery (?), cranky (?), friendship-something (?) connection (?) Even though they're Friends now by 5x04, and they're trying to see each other's point of view and come to a compromise about their respective Hail-Marys, there's a lingering something hanging over this strange insterest, a sense of wanting to understand each other. It's like a "shared perception" that is "surprisingly physical." Heart palpitations and sweaty palms and--maybe he feels weird when Cas gets close, okay? Especially when they're alone. So Dean blasts him to move back & lays down the ground rules for personal space more firmly. But THEN! He stupidly finds himself wanting Cas right back in his space, moving into it of his own volition. (What the Hell, Dean? Fussing with his goddamn tie and buttoning his shirt. Red-a-fucking-lert, man.) He ALMOST made a fool of himself in 5x03, suffering a case of diarrhea of the mouth (Thelma-Louse? Bert-Ernie? He's gonna start using these analogies with everyone else, just to prove a point. It's not weird. It's NOT. Dean is just...witty. That's all.)

///

What if, what if, what if?

With all of the above, we can suddenly start chasing a LOT of potential rumination for Dean, some of it obvious, like:

"What if Sam says yes to Lucifer? It's clear that Sam needs help with the addictive demon-blood mess he's gotten himself into, and we don't have a living blood family, so who's gonna help him?

What if Sam dies? What if Sam becomes the vessel for evil? What if I can't stop him after he becomes the vessel for evil?"

"What if Bobby doesn't bounce back? What if Bobby dies?"

"What I lose heart? I'm already feeling so defeated and betrayed. I could, I don't know, stop caring about my car.

I could lose my conscience.

What if not reaching out to my family is, like Bobby said, the thing that makes me like John?

If I turn my back on my brother, I'm becoming hard and cowardly and cruel... just like my dad."

///

"What would the Apocalypse even look like?

All burnt out buildings and crying kids? Zombies? The military killing civilians to save them?

What if THAT'S what makes me like John, a world like that? Where the mission becomes everything. Before everything. A world where I shoot people and don't blink.

Where I don't value loves ones and friends, like Dad?

I'd be heartless."

And what if Cas loses heart? He's losing heart already now.

He's bitter and angry and stuck with us. It'd be better if he wanted to stay. Wait, do I want him to want to stay? He's a dork.

But... What if Cas were cooler? The brothel was cool.

What if Cas goes back? What if he likes it too much? What if he turns into a guy like Chuck, ordering 20 women for the night? And that shouldn't bother me. There's no shame in consensual sex, and I was a cool friend.

And this? It just makes Cas cooler. Because Cas isn't Cool. In fact, Cas isn't even that much fun. Who knows why the Hell I feel the urge to laugh and smile when he's around in the first place? If Cas were cooler, maaaaaaaybe then there'd be a better case for me to like him. If I liked a guy, it'd be a cool guy, maybe a guy EXACTLY like me, maybe, or a mix of all the good things, Stable and Familiar in my life. The best and coolest parts of all the men I know and grew up watching. One who knows all the cool songs, like Led Zeppelin.

Someone more human.

He'd also be like family, someone who stays and is reliable.

///

Actually, what if Cas were human?

But oh, no. Human also means no powers, and CAS'S POWERS ARE ALREADY FAILING.

God. If his powers fail, what if he gets hurt? What if he gets injured? And if he gets injured, what if because he's not used to it, he gets addicted to pain relievers or something?

He's already feeling down and out. What if... he feels useless? No one likes to feel useless. In fact, I... I don't think Cas would do well with that at all. Bobby sure doesn't.

Cas's used to being strong. Dying bothered him.

///

Why do I feel so connected to Cas? I thought I've felt things, but not like this. What if my past connections were more like Cas? Maybe it's the camaraderie that comes with all of it that's making me feel like this.

What if there was a woman like that, like Lisa or Cassie, but militarily competent and biting and sassy and willing to disagree with me and get SUPER mad at me?

Maybe then I'd feel that same feeling, the--the whatever-it-is. This thing I can't label. The, uh, weird sense of connection.

////////////

I'm just saying that... What if?

What if this is Zachariah tapping into all of that?

At the core of it, Zach wants Dean To Say yes. And maybe he's recalling Cas's frustrations:

ZACH'S BRAIN: If my devil tells Dean that he'll NEVER say yes, he'll do the exact opposite. Just to be contrary. This is perfect. I'm so smart!

But inside Dean, a different dilemma is playing out. Bobby's way versus John's:

Family makes you vulnerable. Your love for each other and all the various things that each of you loves will become a trail of bodies.

The more things you care about, the more things you lose.

Love is strength, love is weakness.

But Zach isn't seeing the BOBBY VS. JOHN side of the drama, because that's not a struggle that he's given much thought to.

Zach's more preoccupied with the idea of Plucky, Feisty Dean who says No and who does the Opposite of what Zach wants.

Recruiting Dean

Via the Nightmare-land of all his current anxieties.

Zach I - Zach II - Zach III - Say it ain't so - Cas can DIE?! - Bobby, demoralized - Dean and Cas's mutual, pissy fatalism - Love blooming, personal space - You're not much fun, so why am I laughing so hard? - Dean's anixety at being a vessel - Sam: Everybody please panic, I'm a vessel, too!

Disclaimer: I love ALL The End meta, from the ones that look for hidden meanings and the ones where Chuck is hiding incognito in his first-row seats, but I thought this would be a Hella a fun way to ask this question.

///

What if The End is all about Dean and Zach? What is almost everyone IN IT is Zach, tapping into and mocking Dean's churning ruminations and anxieties?

What would that analysis look like? What might we predict? We know that Zach recruited a Jehovah's Witness, and after Dean's call with Sam, Zach entered the motel to try yet another sales pitch.

Zach got into Dean's bedroom. But maybe this time, Zach's going deeper. Perhaps he got into Dean's dreams, too.

In the previous Zach adventures, he tried to give Dean a vision of a loser's life, one Dean wouldn't be able to stand: a corporate yes-man who listened to NPR and steamed his latte like a wuss. Remember his pitch in It's a Terrible Life?

ZACHARIAH: Save people, maybe even the world. All the while you drive a classic car and fornicate with women. This isn't a curse. It's a gift. So for God's sakes, Dean, quit whining about it. Look around. There are plenty of fates worse than yours. So are you with me? You wanna go steam yourself another latte? Or are you ready to stand up and be who you really are?

But just like he will later miss the mark on Adam's personality a bit, he misses on Dean at first, too. Dean cares about family.

"My father's name is Bob, my mother's name is Ellen, and my sister's name is Jo." // "Are you saying my family isn't real?"

///

We'll hear Zach make more pitches to Dean in the beautiful room in Lucifer Rising. Time-honored things that, from his experience, tend to work when recruiting humans, from happy memories to food to TV fantasy to food to sexual adoration:

ZACHARIAH: Try a burger. They're your favorite. From that seaside shack in Delaware. You were 11, I think. DEAN: I'm not hungry. ZACHARIAH: No? How about Ginger from season 2 of "Gilligan's Island"? You do have a thing for her, don't you? DEAN: Tempting. Weird. ZACHARIAH: We'll throw in Mary Ann for free. DEAN: No, no. Let's... bail on the holodeck, okay? I want to know what the game plan is.

///

ZACHARIAH (to a crying Dean): And when it's over... and when you've won... your rewards will be... unimaginable. Peace, happiness... two virgins and seventy sluts.

///

We'll get a whiff of AU Zachariah's tactics with a nervous, broken Kevin Tran in s13, too:

Meredith Glynn had intended a more... grayscale view of Zach's intentions via @spnscripthunt-inactive, but either way is very good. Very Zach:

Who knows why, but in Meredith's version, Zach is convinced that Jack is the way, not Kevin.

Anyhoo, more on the Jack-Zach interactions later. For now, I'm just thinking about the whiff of Zach's and upper Heaven management's style of recruiting tactics through Kevin's words:

LUCIFER: Kevin, what are you doing, getting mixed up with Michael? ... KEVIN: ...Michael's taking me with him to paradise world so I can meet hot women. LUCIFER: I'm sorry. What?

Jack, who had also been tortured (stabbed, burned, drowned) by Zachariah, tried to reach out to Kevin. Mary even more so:

KEVIN: Y-you don't understand... then the end of the world happened, and everyone around me-- my friends, and my… my mom-- they all started to die. ... KEVIN: No! Michael says… that when I get to Heaven-- when he lets me into Heaven-- I'll get to see my mom again. I don't care! You don't understand. I… You don't know the things that I've done. I just want this to be over.

Now, we see the truth. Kevin was never interested in the recruitment line, something-something hot women. Not really. That was just a boisterous shield to hide the deeper pain.

He just wanted to see his mom again.

///

So. When we reach 5x04, we see Zach adjust fire with Dean.

In 5x01, he tried a different, more forceful way of recruiting Dean, making him feel terrible about himself.

...I feel like looking at The End as a nightmare land of all of Dean's anxieties is a really fun way to revisit it.

But before that, if we consider this question, what might we predict for Zach to uncover, based on all the stuff Dean is feeling Weird (TM) and Stressed (TM) about right now?

Based on all the other stuff we've been thinking about, I'll make a small list of potentials, starting with the Bobby-Dean confrontation at the end of last season...

#spn the end #spn exodus #spn13x22 #spn season 13 #zach stuff #zachariah stuff #dean and anxiety

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