#sorry. idk. i am tired and oversharing

[wyllzel]

personal ramble below the cut lol 🪱

i don't generally consider myself prone to violence so sometimes i am shocked by how easily riled i am by bg3 (literally fictional) LOL. on the other hand, i once saw a man who wronged my bff (and generally gave off nasty vibes) at a party and, in my lightly inebriated state, i was overcome w the urge to punch his nose. sadly i did not but honestly i really should've

[rainswept]

i’m up. sighh

[peppermintsparker]

i have not had a good day in a while and i just really need something good to happen

[tennisarchives]

warning for a clearly anxiety-ridden oversharing freakout below the cut. sorry. i’m too sensitive and i’m unfortunately acutely aware of it.

tldr; im being a drama queen. gonna take a tumblr break for a week or two. to my mutuals, feel free to dm for my insta. i’ll be active until i wake up tomorrow morning and then i’m gonna zip

gonna preface this by saying this is in no way directed to the people whom i actually talk to constantly on here like you lot were lovely and im just dealing with a lot of demons in my head :(

anyway. sometimes i feel more like a product manufacturer than a person on here. and idk. i know most of you guys are really just following me for gifs and content and whatever but. yeah. idk. i guess the things i say don’t matter to anyone unless it’s funny. or if people want to call me out. not that im mad abt that exactly btw i do appreciate when people respectfully call me out for my own mistakes but. sometimes. i feel like im in a fishbowl and you’re all just waiting for me to say something wrong and cancel me. or then again, maybe most of you already think im a shit person and you just stay for the gifs. or maybe you guys think i’m a loser who has nothing to do but spend all day on this goddamn website.

and i know, somewhere inside me, that that’s not true and that it’s clearly the anxiety talking. maybe it’s just me maybe i’m making this up in my head i dunno. but i’m just kinda tired right now. too tired to battle the anxiety like usual at least. and i don’t really feel wanted outside of the content i produce, beyond the notes of my gifs or my fun posts. which ik shouldn’t matter but. i’m a pathological people pleaser etc etc.

(god, seeing this all typed out, i can’t even fucking blame you guys if you actly don’t like me cause. i kinda wanna shake myself by the shoulders and tell myself get a grip girl the world doesn’t revolve around you shut up shut up shut your damn mouth—)

i’ve been trying to manage by unfollowing and blocking a few people (which btw, if i did that to you and we used to be mutuals, it’s probably nothing personal i mostly just kept people i’m a bit closer to). but i’m still not really settled. and considering how i’m posting like every other day about feeling like shit, you guys probably figured that out lmao.

and well. on a separate note. seeing that rat’s name alone is too much for me sometimes. i couldn’t watch his game with carlos. i spent hours in his match with daniil turned away from the television, wearing noise canceling headphones while trying (and failing) to talk myself down from a full blown anxiety attack. i’ve said this before but the way people talk about him, both the fucked up silence and the justified outrage, it reminds me way too much about a family problem i have right now. hits uncomfortably close to home. prior to this i kinda thought i’d made my peace with the whole family situation but no apparently not. had he won the semis, i wasn’t even sure if i would be able to stomach cheering for jannik if it meant having to watch that man play.

so. idk. between the way actual tennis has been making me feel and the way tennisblr in general has seemed for me lately, i figure i need some space.

long story short ive been spending way too much time on tumblr this ao. and its gotten really bad for my mental health i guess. so i think i need to take maybe a week or two, to clear my head. watch tennis without opening this app every other point. spend time with people i love. get back to therapy. try to be a functioning adult.

(this is so fucking dramatic for a goddamn week of no tumblr i know that and i want to smack myself upside the head because why am i like this why do i make things snowball why why why—)

anyway. yeah. that’s it. if you actually read through all of that then. thanks. if not it’s okay too.

to my mutuals, the ones whom i’ve had at least some form of friendly interaction with in replies or dms, you can ask for my insta account btw. not that i’m crazy active on there but like. if you guys wanna be friends beyond the anonymity of this yknow. no pressure though.

[polishmenace]

hi. afterthought - I'm sorry this is so long

that caution on your ed post? Take the same disclaimer here. Please only read this if you are able to handle it safely.

I can't promise I won't overshare, I'm tired as fuck and I have never talked to people about this. Idk if this will help

Obviously I don't know how you got your ed. I doubt we have all the same reasons, but this isn't for that. but as someone living with a mother who's bipolar and schizophrenia from both sides, that isnt easy to live with. Seeing your family purge isn't something to forget easily. Seeing how psychological conditions wear people down isn't easy, so to end up with one too? The feeling is indescribable.

So, from a guy one skipped meal & a fall down his concrete stairs away from his death, I wanted to share your pain. there wasn't a word in your post that I didn't feel without every fiber of my being. And it fucking hurts. I'm so so sorry you feel this too.

Recovery is never going to look a certain way, and relapsing into the mindset does not mean you're not getting better. It isn't so linear, Michaeł, please don't compare your journey to anyone else's. Don't compare it to how you think it should go, because the only wrong answer here is giving up.

You can feel sick of it all, and pissed, and maybe at times like you don't care anymore, and everything that suffering makes you feel - but please don't give up on yourself.

I wish I could give you more. I wish I could tell advise how to convince yourself to eat, but I haven't managed in days. I don't think I know how either. Hell I smoke to get hungry and even that has stopped working.

Please keep reaching out. Talk to people, just anyone, if you haven't yet, you'll find someone who listens. Hell, I'd listen in a heartbeat. You deserve to be heard, Michaeł. You deserve to be seen, your progress and your regress. You are so much more than your pain, even when it gets into that all consuming feeling. I hope you've known that for a long time.

I believe so much in you Michaeł. I love you so incredibly even though you're an odd little polish man in my phone. And you deserve that from what I've seen.

I'm sorry if this is ranty, I wanted to send it when I saw the post yesterday but my phone was dead without charger :( I don't want to fuck up your morning. I truly hope you have a good one, Michaeł, and I believe in you. Not that you'll never relapse, but that you'll keep healing. I believe in your progress Michaeł, no matter how it looks. I hope you can do the same.

You don't need to reply to this ask. It might be a mess so maybe it's better if you don't

You're not alone Michaeł.

Awww I’m cryinggggg (relief tears) You are so sweet. I am so conflicted still but you don’t know how much reassurance helps. Thank you so much <3

and also, I am completely willing co commiserate with you if you’d like to talk

[unveiled-if]

Sorry for the radio silence!

A... Lot has been going on. Idk if I've ever told this but I work two jobs at the moment, one as a restaurant manager and other within the navy, and it's grinding me to the ground. I have exactly 1 day off during the week and that's spent sleeping and crying, you'll know more as you read. If you don't, I get it. It's a bit of a downer post.

But working is fine! I like being a busybody, and I love working for both places. BUT.

My back/leg/hip/lumbar's given out. I don't know if it's the worst case of sciatica known to mankind or what, but it's been going on since last November and getting worse by the day. I'm 25 and looking at a future in early retirement (AT UNDER 30), it's that bad, and even worse for my psyche. Painkillers don't help (prescription/OTC, what have you), muscle relaxants don't work, physio doesn't work, one doctor even injected some cortisone for a whole separate issue and wow, surprise, that didn't work. I'm so close to going to the ER and asking for an amputation at this point.

Now, I know sharing this is kinda TMI, but I feel like you deserve a reason, the transparency why I haven't gotten around to posting lately. I've just been working (literally) through the pain, gone home, ugly cried from the agony, and passed out just to repeat the whole shebang.

And I can't not work. I'm so deep in debt, you know, in Finnish standards. I know 13k is nothing compared to some, but here it's a lot if I can't keep working.

I'm sorry for oversharing, but this is my reality right now, and I'm at my wit's end. I can't sleep, I can barely get out of bed. I can't tie my shoes. I can't pick up my niece, and I can't go out to spend time with my friends without almost overdosing on painkillers just to move. Sometimes only alcohol helps, and I don't want to do that because of the addiction running in my genes.

I want to scream and cry and leave this body for a better one, but I can't, and if this keeps going I won't be able to do anything and it scares the shit out of me.

I know the doctors are doing their best, but of course there's bias when I'm so young. We have to go through all the plausible treatments before surgery is even considered. Plus, I'm from a tiny town. Getting an appointment takes months, and then it's the same things all over again.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not giving you the updates you deserve. I still listen to music that inspires me, and I do write down ideas, but I can't bring myself to write more than a paragraph, once a week.

I'm sorry for not interacting or being as chipper as I usually am. It's just too much for me to handle all at once, I am but one creature.

But I'll try to keep up a positive outlook. Finland is a good country, with good healthcare, and I trust them to help me so I can keep paying taxes haha.

Sorry for a long, useless post, but you deserve to know. And maybe I needed to get it off my chest. My family is already tired of listening to me complain anyway.

Love y'all forever 💜

[carcharadroid]

Something I’ve noticed that pops up a lot when I’m under any amount of stress for a prolonged amount of time is that I get the horribly tempting urge to completely vanish from at least my online life. Erase it all and pop back up with a new name and face somewhere else sometime later.

It’s not something I’m ever going to do, and I’m thankful that I’m conscious of the what and the why of it all. It’s still a shitty paranoid feeling and it isn’t fun for me or fair to any of my friends, but the fact that I can recognize it is something, I think.

I know oversharing online is cringe and doing it in the wee hours of the AM isn’t making it any less cringe, but idk it feels some kind of way to get it off of my chest.

Anyway tl;dr the past year and a half have been shit and hell and I’m bracing for what is to become my new normal once I get on an MS medication (finally settled on which one it might be, I just need to get all of my vaccinations sorted first). If you’ve tried to reach out to me and I haven’t replied, I’m sorry. I read every message I get and if I don’t have you blocked, or if I have you friended anywhere, then I’m always happy to get messages. I feel like shit whenever I don’t reply immediately because I’m tired, and then I just

forget, and then the message sorta hovers there and becomes more and more awkward to bring myself to reply to for silly arbitrary-feeling reasons.

But I’m here, and I’ll bounce back, it just might take a bit longer than I’d like it to. But at least now I can see a potential end in sight, which is more than I could have said even a few weeks ago.

[escapadeist]

palm tree 🌴

nutmeg

ivy

and chia 🩵🩷🩵🩷🩷

get to answering lol

Ayee there's my fren...

palm tree ⇢ do you have a fictional villain you shouldn’t like but love regardless?

Damn, ik they're morally gray characters n very popular or infamous choices for such questions, but Snape n Draco, i don't usually like characters that act out the way they do because of whatever negative experiences they've been through, because you always have a choice to not bleed on those who haven't hurt you, but anyhow, i think that their backstories and everything that they do based on them, doesn't make me love em exactly but appreciate them a lil more than others ig. Also, just a blanket answer will be all those side characters in movies or TV shows, that are not exactly villains but are villainized by others on the show or they and their struggles are hidden from the spotlight because they aren't as quirky or likeable as the main character's problems, just makes me love them even more! Also, might be a bias cause i identify as a side character..

nutmeg ⇢ how’s your room/home decorated? do you have a specific theme or style going on?

My room, oh the tragedy, i wanted it to be a subtle dull-ish green, or teal kinda maybe, but it turned out this bonkers paint that i hate now, but anyway, i try to work with it. There's no theme, because i didn't have a room of my own until i was way older and then the prospect of me leaving my parents' home made me think, why even bother decorating.. but yes, as of now, it's just a place i occassionally occupy n has my pride n joy, my bookshelf n my canvases on it and i am a neat freak so i like to organize stuff but ever since my seemingly never ending exams have started n my life decided to go to shit simultaneously, i haven't gotten the chance to clean n organize, but soon i will n it will feel better. (It being me, n also, a bit, the room ig? haha)

ivy ⇢ what are your ‘tells’ for your emotions and moods? how can someone tell you’re happy, annoyed, upset or tired?

Ukw, funnily enough, i don't have a lot of 'tells' especially when I'm sad because i self-isolate, (ik toxic trait, but i feel like i don't wanna burden people with my sadness) so yeah that... But i am quiet mostly when sad n when i feel joyous, i think i hum n sing quite a lot, n take interest in my hobbies again n dance somewhat, but hey that could also be because I'm depressed but I wanna distract myself or procrastinate dealing with it so I just do the happy stuff, fake it till u make it or die amirite? For anger tho, i recently found out, i can't express it healthily, *pause for gasp* n end up screaming, crying (which i hate!!!! Crying when you're angry is horrible!!!!) n actually have very bad symptoms like a racing heartbeat n shortness of breath n have thrown up too, God, I'm oversharing! But yeah, might as well drag the cat that's outta the bag now... (Sorry, no, i still love cats, LIKE A LOT!, Please apologise to your cats, i didn't mean any harm to them)

chia ⇢ what’s an inside joke you have with someone else?

Ok so this is actually a very geographical joke (The Office reference, the kind of jokes u have to "be there for" hehe) so as i said i have my exams going on rn, n in this one subject we had to study about what makes an entrepreneur... And idk if it was a typo in the notes that we were provided with or what, although i wouldn't put my uni past that, but apparently one of the reasons one can be held back from being an entrepreneur is "not being able to have dreams", now ik they must've meant dreams as in a vision or high ambitions or something... But when me n my friend read it, we just imagined this one person going to sleep every night n waking up disappointed like "Dammit! I was so tired, i straight up went to sleep n i didn't even have a dream! This is why mom was right, i will never amount to anything because i don't see any dreams.." now they didn't even bother to specify what kinda dreams, so it can range from nightmares to fantasies or wet dreams for all we care, but ever since then, whenever there's a problem n we can't find a solution, me n my friend say to each other, "Oh well, this is because we never have dreams man! We can never think outside the box for creative solutions to anything, because we sleep too soundly n dreamlessly"

Ik it's a very, very stupidly silly joke but it gets us cracking each time so ig it works out for us atleast lol..

Wow, these were fun to answer!

Would love more asks people!

N if u reblog the OG post I'd love to fill up your ask box too...

Also, love ya n thank u sooo much for sending this love ❤️✨

[twisted-tales-told]

Hey,

Okay so for the sleepover time I’m just gonna talk about my day because I literally have no friends and I love oversharing.(I’m sorry if I’m doing this wrong or anything😭) So I tried bookbinding one of my fav fics and it went wrong in every imaginable way (its so ugly. Looking at it makes me wanna rip my hair out.) buttt I didn’t really care because my mum made my fav dessert so yumyum. It’s almost 3am for me and I have school in a few hours but I’m..idk how to explain this. Sleepy and tired but not tired? I hope this makes sense. OHOHOH also we’re reading such a cool book in my English class it’s called “my brothers name is Jessica” and I’m loving it so far (the parents are transphobic and it’s making my blood boil but I’m pretty sure it has a happy ending) . Also tomorrow I get my French test back so wish me luck. I probably did good on it because I love French (fun fact I actually used to hate french but now I love it sm. languages are just so easy and so beautiful.) Today was super boring and while eating spaghetti one of my brackets moved so tomorrow I have to go to my dentist but at least I’ll be able to skip class so yay!! Lastly I just wanna say that I’m very very hungry but am too lazy to make myself food🙁

Okay I think that’s pretty much it!!! How was your day?? Did you do anything special? How are you feeling?? Tell me/us all about it☺️

Hi hi!!

Just so you know my first bookbinding project was actually Trash! Literal garbage could not even open it! Typesetting alone takes so much time I 10/10 recommend go slow with it, be as careful with each step along as you can and try new things. There’s no time limit!

Desert is the best meal and I’m so happy ur mum made your favourite! I need to get back into baking I miss it.

My English teachers didn’t even bother to find us books to read they mostly gave us articles it was very sad my critical reading skills suffered for it so I’m happy some English teachers still care.

I am also hungry and am too lazy to make myself food right now, sadly that does not go away ever in life. My cat is not having that problem and is crying at me for a snack but her feeding time is in 25 minutes so she has to wait.

My day has been so fun actually I did all my fav things. I edited someone’s fic @sequinhaze wywm, I typesetted another one @euphorial-docx OPEV, AND I started reading/watching Twelfth Night (Shakespeare) + I watched The Last Of Us.

Also! I finished Chapter One of the if we were villans au!! I need to have more plot set up before I can start posting cuz I have so many Secret Things in chapter 1 but not even I know what the Secret Things mean yet. Writing is weird like that.

Regulus has a secret, but what secret? Who knows, cuz it isn’t me.

[karatekid1]

hi guys it been a while. Well, everything right now feels like its going up and down all the time, like on monday, three days ago, my life felt so good, i was so happy, then everything went downhill again on tuesday. today is thursday and idek how im feeling, i dont got any apeitie, and my life just feel so depressing. i realized yesterday that heartstopper is like a core memory to me, like i havent watched it since season 2 came out bc people started calling it cringe and i actually started to think it were. i was just a kid back then it feels like, because every day i get older and i feel embarressed for my younger self, in like a few months i think that this me whos writing this is gonna be so cringe, why are we like that? or maybe thats just me. but what i mean is that yesterday i listened to some of the soundtrack songs, i just felt warm and happy inside, and it kept doing everytime i listeend to the songs, i stayed up til 3 am last night just rewatching the first season and it made me cry actually idk why but it just brings me so much comfort. anyway, uni going fine ig, some subjects are really terrible, but im surviving. me and benjamin (the nick to my charlie) are still together and idk tbh how hes feeling ab me atp, like im so fucking stupid and annoying i think hes getting tired of it. i feels like im slowly loosing my mind again bc of everything. i hate myself for the way i act towards people. most people i know would call me nice, they do, but then i literally argue with everyone over stupid shit just bc i am sensetive. and i dont know how to deal with myself, i just get so easily mad and jealous of everyone and its starting to spread out more over the people i love which is not meant to happen but i cant control it. how much i try to be nick, will continue to always be charlie. what was i made for? i dont even know myself anymore. people say they're proud of me but i will literally treat them like shit without even realizing it myself. all i really want is to be seen and heard, but i end up embarresing myself, overshare or just make people upset. im just a failure, im not supposed to be here, i dont fit in. i dont know whats right or wrong anymore i just want to live my life, but im literally just miserable. i try so hard everyday, to get people to like me, to make me like myself a little bit more and not hating myself, but when ive done something wrong i cant even realise my mistake until so long after ive done it, and i feel so stupid. i dont deserve to live the life that i do. i dont deserve any of this. i try to be like everyone else, i try to be interesting but if you try too hard no one is gonna like you. and if youre not interesting people wont wanna hang out with you bc youre boring. you should be funny but not mean, you should be perfect but not fake, you shoulld be thin but not starve, you should be smart not a tryhard, you should be yourself but not different, you should be happy but not annoying, you should be kind but not too kind because then people will use you for their own good. i hate humans, i hate what we've made this world into. sorry this became a whole vent post but im just so tired of living without having anything to live FOR.

[egg2222222222]

11 30 22 1:32am How to feel like a girl

I always find myself complaining on this app because I get to both overshare and not actually tell anyone anything at the same time….. i like tumblr because i feel safe from showing the people i know a trait or personality idea or whatever of mine! i don’t know why i’m so worried of what my own friends think of me. Not to sound quirked up but i don’t feel like a normal girl

picture of mouse to express my longing feeling

But i am kinda seriously so tired of myself and i think i’ll always be seeking change. Like i am truly never satisfied w myself but not in the healthy normal way! I know it’s a human thing to evolve as a person but this persona i long for seems so far and almost OUT OF REACH.. I don’t want to be myself anymore. I’ve cried for many reasons for the past few weeks which is very abnormal for me Idk what’s happening. I keep telling myself that being born a male would make my life so easier but a part of me knows that’s not true at al… id be so ugly and i’d probably be twice as depressed honestly., i just don’t want to be me anymroe. But also what’s the point in being a girl if i’m already ugly !

i’ve always felt so sorry for my friends just because they’re friends w me.. mayb i amuncomfortable to be around…… i’m so sick of drowning myself in this guilty burden feeling.. i want to ghost everyone for a good 4 weeks and not have any repercussions but unfortunately there is no break at all in my life and i am in an eternal loop and i’m going insane goodnight!

1:51am 11 30 22

[sugasugawarau]

Okay actually I am stressed deeply contemplating my purpose in life so if u sent me (more) soft hcs or smth soft or cool or happy that happened in ur day or smth thatd be sexy of u

[atalienart]

.

[xumoonhao]

fate really decided to make give me an emotionally distant father, an emotionally + mentally + verbally + occasionally physically abusive mother who manipulates, lies, gaslights, controls my entire life, and passed all her undealt with trauma onto my brother and i. on top of all that fate made them both alcoholics. fate also decided to give me autism, anxiety and depression with no real way of coping with any of that all while being the only responsible adult in the house, putting the onus on my shoulders of protecting my brother. literally what the fuck

[jisoomes]

I haven't written for like two days because of everything that happened and omg I cannot get the motivation back at all :(

[shatouto]

For the Snippet ask game

"The Mandalorian Alpha squeezes his hand. “Then, may I hold you in my heart as my love-bound, mine and mine only?”

As his riduur. Obi-Wan blinks. The entire display has had him flustered enough that he has to consciously bite back an acerbic Do I have a choice? that he doesn’t quite mean. He can be but grateful for this unbelievable last-moment blessing – and, to be honest, rather impressed.

“…Yours and yours only,” Obi-Wan says in a near-whisper, finally recalling the correct answer. He feels somewhat faint. “The honor is—wholly mine.”

Around him, the crowd of Mandalorians – whose show of hand has resulted in an almost unanimous decision to throw him out of the fortress – rustles, their collective susurrus bursting at the edges with a raised voice here and there, clearly dismayed. “Do you even know who courted you, Jedi?” somebody yells mockingly. Obi-Wan ignores them as he holds out his hand to his, ah, successful suitor. “May I know your name?”

The Mandalorian Alpha doesn’t take his hand, but merely rises to his feet on his own. The taciturn attitude is rather… disappointing, considering his acts of kindness small and large – the blankets and the courtship alike, – but not at all surprising. When he speaks, however, Obi-Wan cannot claim to be unsurprised any longer.

“I am Anakin Skywalker of Clan Kryze, first of his name,” his husband-to-be introduces himself stiffly. Obi-Wan’s stomach sinks. “Son of Lady Shmi Skywalker Kryze, and third in line for the throne of Kalevala.”"

My favorite scene

hiiiii and thank you for the submission-ask!!! i’ll admit i’m very happy to get an ask on TCAS (y’all know how obsessed with that fic i’ve been recently lmaooo i’m still writing). so!!! this scene!!! there is a lot going on here!!!!!! how do i do this without spoilers ldkfjdsn

ALRIGHT SO the idea behind this whole fic was that i wanted to write an a/b/o story about anakin’s self-hatred and agony over his designation, and a reluctant alpha who gets coaxed into opening up by an omega who is technically beholden to him in some way. i zoned in on the reluctance which is why i decided to go with the arranged marriage/marriage of convenience thing.

i’m just a big fan of, like, idk, multi-faceted power dynamics due to the intersection between different aspects of a character’s identity? idk how to put it in a simpler way gbfjkdj but what i mean is just, you know, offsetting the age gap and life-experience gap using the whole mandalorian/jedi thing in which obi-wan is completely disenfranchised, and an omega, whereas anakin is essentially a prince, and an alpha. i guess i just!! like to play around with dynamics and how that shapes a relationship that is still in full mutation

anyway this scene was so important to me not because of any deep reason but because as a child i read a SHITLOAD of shoujo manga and i’ve always loved the very tense “rescue” scenes. except, i was also a baby gay, and as a baby gay i eventually grew tired of The Straights, but sadly BL/GL (yaoi/yuri) back in the day was marketed as exclusively 16+ or even 18+ and talked about as if it was something dirty/naughty, so i never really had the chance to read the soft LGBTQ+ romances that i would’ve loved to read growing up, i just began to say that i hated romance instead. this courtship scene is honestly very typically shoujo-esque in terms of softness and romanticism for me, and it – like the rest of this story – is basically what young shatou would have loved to read. i’m really writing this for that kid.

okay, sob stories aside, i also read ASOIAF at the tender age of 14 and was completely enamored with the flourish in the formal dialogues and bits of courtly rituals that were depicted. so i think i’ve probably developed this lifelong fixation on, like, pseudo-medieval formalities and titles and turns of phrase sldkfjksd hence the dialogue in this snippet. anakin’s line is pretty simple but i spent A Lot Of Time on it (for my own enjoyment) lmaooo

anyway thanks for the ask (and sorry for the oversharing)! i hope you’ll enjoy the rest of the story :D