#sorry y'all I'm having a bit of a meltdown rn but it's my blog and im allowed i guess ☠️

[beskad]

I really thought in January 2017, when I ran away from my father in the middle of the night

that if I could just get out. if I could just escape him

it would all be ok

because out in the "real world" - normal people didn't think the kind of things he did and said were ok

normal people, generally, didn't think it was ok to beat their children or threaten their adult children with violence.

normal people didn't own hundreds of guns, preparing for a vague idea of "revolution"

normal people didn't scream and shame and threaten if you dared to have a gay friend

I had no real experience with the real world, but the doctors and therapists i'd secretly managed to see at school assured me that what happened in my home was not normal and not ok

they told me normal people weren't like him.

the normal world wasn't perfect, but he was an extremist. he was unusual. the normal world allowed things like gay marriage and birth control.

and so, I thought if I could just escape him. I'd be ok. out there.

and I ran. I got out. I got away.

but here we are.

I look around and I see my father's world coming through the cracks around me, I thought maybe it was just a leak, but now it feels like a dam on the verge of total failure and I'm already up to my knees in flood water

my father's world is back and this time it's bigger, and it's everywhere. and I guess it was here all along.