#sorry some of these are agressive i was in an agressive mood when i wrote some of them 💀

[ariasakka]

ANGRY SEX WITH NANAMI 18+

Someone posted saying they wanted an angry Nanami sex story so I wrote one! Thank you for inspiring me to write this story I’ve been needing more angry sex Nanami stories so why not write one myself 🙏

Warnings

18+, MDNI, female reader, spanking, smut, punishment, taboo, anal, dark agressive dom Nanami

All Nanami stories by me will be under the hashtag NanamiAria

He’s usually not aggressive often but sometimes he has to punish you for being a brat. 2k words.

Not a writer just write for fun please don’t expect this to be perfect or the most grammatically correct! Please don’t read or continue to read if any of the themes in this story are upsetting to you. Thank you. <3

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You’ve been in a bratty mood lately. Probably because your man has been working overtime so you haven’t even able to see him as often as usual. You’ve been teasing Nanami all week. Sending him naughty pictures at work. Talking back to him more than usual. Sending him videos of you touching yourself without him with the text “thinking of you” while wearing his t shirts. Going to bed wearing nothing having him come home late at night to see you sleeping looking like a goddess but not being able to do anything about it. Nanami is trying to stay calm and collected at your teasing but his patience is slowly slipping.

Today you decide to show up at Nanami’s work bringing him the lunch he had forgotten this morning. You show up in a black mini skirt, fishnets, a black long sleeve v line shirt, with some heels Kento had gotten you for your anniversary some time ago. Nanami was an absolute sucker for skirts and fishnets and basically any item of clothing that he had bought you. You walked in greeting him with a smile with the lunch bag in hand. Nanami’s heart practically stopped the second he saw you walk in looking so sexy. He couldn’t understand why you’d been such a brat and a tease lately. He had been waking up early to make love with you in the shower and still managing to do his house work duties so why were you acting like this? Little did he know you just wanted to get under his skin. You liked his dark side but didn’t want to admit it to him.

Kento

“Hi my love, thank you for going through the trouble to bring me my lunch. I’m sorry I forgot it. You look beautiful today.���

You

“Yeah yeah, I dunno how you could’ve forgotten your lunch today Kento. I always look good.”

Kento

“My love why are you being such a brat lately?”

You

“Mmm cause I can love. Do you mind?”

You lock Nanami’s office door and walk towards him seductively. You get down on your knees under his desk and start to toy at his waistline. The two of you had never done anything at his work before. You were feeling naughty today. You can feel his erection growing at the sight of you. You can feel his eyes on your chest. Your breasts are practically spilling out of your low cut top in this position.

Kento says sternly

“Darling I’m at work.”

You

“Okay and I want you now baby.”

Kento

“You’re pushing my buttons lately. I made you cum three times this morning was that not enough? You send me pictures everyday to tease me and now this?”

You smirk ignoring his words. You undo his pants pulling them down just enough for his cock to pop out. You quickly sink your throat down onto him. He grips your hair and hisses harshly at you.

Kento

“You know what. Fine. I’ll fuck your throat but I’m going to make you regret this later. No more nice Nanami. Got it my love.”

You chuckle softly not thinking he’s at his limit yet. Oh were you so wrong. He grabs your hair harshly and pushes you all the way down on his length suffocating you with his thickness. He pushes his hips up and down with determination. He knows if he’s going to do this at work he has to cum fast in worry of getting caught. You don’t mind, you love it when he’s rough with you. It’s a side you don’t get to see often.

Nanami cums in your mouth within 10 minutes. You struggle to swallow all his seed with half of it overflowing spilling out the sides of your mouth. Nanami looks down at you with dark eyes and speaks with a dark sultry tone. Kento grips your hair tighter and demands you clean all of it up off of him. You do as he wishes.

Kento

“I’m getting off early. Maybe when I’m done with you you’ll learn to behave for me. Going to punish all the brattiness out of you sweetie.”

You

“Oh Ken you’re so cute when-“

Kento

“No. Say yes sir. Don’t say anything else. No more talking back.”

You

“Yes sir..”

Kento

“Now my love. Go home. Change into my shirt and greet me on your knees when I come home.”

You

“Ken-“

Kento

“Ah! I’m adding an extra punishment for you talking back after I told you not to. Go home my love.”

You

“Yes sir.”

You get up off your knees and exit his office going back to his house. You wanted to push his buttons but you’d never seen him this aggressive and dark before. You’d be lying if you told yourself it didn’t make your hole clench around nothing craving him. Maybe he was pushed past his limits. Usually you don’t tease him and be bratty for weeks on end. His dark side is exciting. You’re hoping he actually will ruin you back to submission like he promised.

Later when Nanami starts to unlock the door you rush towards it getting on your knees ready to greet him. Nanami looks down at you, a soft smile forms on his face, there’s still a darkness to his eyes though. He pats your head to show he’s happy you at least listened to him once today.

Kento

“Hi my love. I see you’ve decided to be a good girl for once?”

You nod

“Yes sir.”

Kento

“Don’t be fooled though love…daddy’s still not done with you. You’ve been pushing my buttons too much these last few weeks I’ve had enough. Come here.”

You follow him over to the couch. He sits down and pats his knee instructing for you to get over it. You do as he asks.

Kento

“Tsk tsk..how many times have you been bad this week darling? I think that’s how many spankings you deserve.”

You

“I- I’m sorry I don’t know how many times Kento.”

*smack* he brings his hands down to your bottom harshly.

Kento

“You didn’t address me correctly.”

You

“Sorry sir. I don’t know how many times I was bad sir.”

Kento massages the red skin gently for a moment before speaking

“Let’s just say you were bad 28 times. I think that’s a fair amount of spankings. After all I’m sure you were bad much more than that. But I can’t break you with just spankings that’s not all I have in store for you tonight love.”

You

“Yes sir whatever you think is best I’ll take.”

Kento

“Count for me darling.”

Kento continues to spank you 28 times as you count each painfully hard slap. By the end of it you’re almost in tears. You thank him for spanking you as he asks. He really wasn’t lying when he said he would make you behave. How you feel right now so powerless and dominated. It makes you never want to be a brat to your loving boyfriend ever again.

Kento

“Good girl. You took that so well for me but I don’t believe you’re truly finished being a brat yet.”

Nanami pulls your hair forcing you off of him. He rips off his shirt that you’re wearing leaving you completely naked under him now. He bends you over the arm rest on the couch. Nanami starts to undo his pants. You feel a harsh slap with his belt before you can feel the hot tip of his cock pressing at your entrance. You’re soaked. He slipped in so easily. He started to pound you pushing you down on the armrest harder and harder. You moaned louder at each thrust. You can’t believe how turned on you could get from so much pain. Or maybe it was just because you liked him being dominate and aggressive with you.

Out from the drawer next to the couch he pulls out a butt plug. He bought this the last time you were bratty. He’s been saving it for a time when you were naughty again and needed to be punished. He saw last time you were a brat that spankings clearly aren’t enough you get too turned on by them. He needed something a little more taboo.

Kento smiles darkly and says

“My love. I don’t think spankings are enough for as big of a brat as you. I have something else for you my love.”

He slows down his thrusts and places him thumb at the entrance of your asshole teasing you ever so slightly.

Kento

“You’ve never had something in this hole before have you?”

You

“…no..n-no sir I haven’t. Please Ken it won’t fit.”

Kento pushes the butt plug into you slowly. Devilishly watching as your tight hole accommodates to the size. Rolling his eyes back biting his lip at the feeling of your pussy clamping down on his cock the deeper the butt plug goes. Once it’s all the way in he resumes to thrust into you harshly.

Kento

“How does it feel my love?”

You

“It hurts sir-“

Kento

“Good. Now maybe you’ll learn not to be such a brat. You’re lucky I’m not cutting down your allowance aswell.”

Kento removes his tie and wraps it around your wrists tying them behind your back. He wants you to feel everything. He’d be lying to himself if he said this didn’t feel good. He loved letting off steam and fucking you like this. Usually he’s so gentle with you because he’s afraid to hurt you. When your bratty he gets to fuck you how he wants not worrying if it hurts you because honestly if it does it’s just part of your punishment.

After an hour or so. He finally finishes spilling his second load of the day inside you. Growling louder than ever before as he spills into you. At this point you’re fucked out of your mind. You’ve came at least 3 times on him.

He slowly removes the plug and himself before cleaning you up with a warm towel. Nanami starts to run a bath for the both of you putting all of your favorite scents and soap inside. You definitely deserved the punishment but he wants to spoil you after for doing so good at taking it. He grabs you in his arms taking you into the nice bubble bath with him.

Kento

“You look so beautiful my love. Will you be good now?”

You

“Yes Nanami. I promise. I love you so much.”

Kento

“Good, I love you more.”

Nanami places a soft kiss on the top of your head. He pulls you in close cuddling you in the tub. Now that you’ll be good he’s ready to spoil you with love and affection once more.

[k-roi]

Hi!! I sent you a request before and I'm sure I attached my love and compliments to it but with your recent posts I can feel you are very angry for those who do it wrong and it freaked me out for a while thinking maybe I made the wrong request. I just hope you don't feel pressured, tired and angry when writing, but write in the most comfortable mood possible (we'll wait as long as we can). I really like your writing style and I am extremely grateful that you wrote the story for free. You have no idea how happy I was reading your story. Love u ❤️ u are amazing

(sorry for my shitty English, I used google to translate 😞)

this is blowing it out of porportion a little! 😭 i’m very much not angry and you’re good (although i don’t think you were the culprit so really don’t worry that much). tone is hard for me to read through text and some things may sound accidentally passive agressive to me unfortunately causing miscommunication. thanks for the reassurances though, i appreciate it very much <3

[delusional-mishaps]

General headcanons for the boys? Like what are they like in general?-😗🔪 anon

under the cut :)

sorry this took me so long my brain is empty and ive never wrote my hcs down before so i had to try to remember them 💀

also dont mind the spelling errors you may find i wrote most of these half awake

Arbiter (Undertale Sans):

he really likes outdated memes. the older they are, the funnier.

he doesn't really remember resets, he depends mostly on Frisk to either fill him in on why they did it, or cues that they have already been in this situation before. he's aware that something isn't right and that deja vu shouldn't be lasting for this long...

he also gets dreams that are basically memories of past resets. good or bad memories, they always leave him feeling awful. it's either a timeline he could have had, or a timeline where he lost everything

gaster is their father because i love dadster but the reason i'm mentioning this is because he sort of forced arbiter to learn about astrophysics so he could have someone he could rely on no matter what. when no one else would believe in his skills to get them to the surface, he knew his own son wouldn't turn on him

so, yes, that implies the machine in the basement lab was supposed to get then to the surface. after gaster fell into the core (with arbiter watching), arbiter took over. he learned everything he knew from gaster, but he didnt learn everything so it wasn't enough knowledge to continue past a certain point.

he befriended grillby because grillby and gaster used to be friends and gaster would take arbiter to the bar for breaks between working on the machine. grillby later became a reminder of gaster, and it comforted him slightly

when he and champ were children, gaster was often too busy being the royal scientist so he raised champ basically on his own. it made him realise how hard it is to raise a kid and he would never want to do it again.

he's perfectly fine without his own children, but he'd be more than happy to be the cool uncle to both frisk and, if champ ever wanted children, them too

him and toriel are besties 😫😫 entirely platonic because i said so 😐 admittedly, he did used to have a crush on her while the two traded jokes through the door but when he learned she was the queen and was much older than him, the crush sort of died

he prefers baths over showers because one time he fell asleep in the shower and fell over and knocked down every single bottle. he's scared he'll fall again so at least if he falls asleep in the bath, all he has to worry about is waking up in cold water

Champion (Undertale Papyrus):

he takes his job as monster mascot super seriously, and he's become quite famous!

he wants to see the best in everyone, he wants to believe everyone is capable of kindness

he's not as naïve as he appears, he knows so much more than he lets on

he really likes those street performers, specifically the magicians. it's so cool to watch humans doing card tricks! he wants to learn

REMEMBER HOW HE LITERALLY FLIES OVER YOUR HEAD AFTER HIS FIGHT IN THE GAME? it's gravity magic, but he actually does it a lot its SO FUNNY

he'll just start floating over someone if they're in his way but he doesn't want to bother them I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

controversial take but he can also shortcut 🤨🤨 he just doesn't much because running builds his muscles even if he doesnt have any...

he is the funniest person you will ever meet, and most of it is unintentional too. he's just such a silly lil guy

we all know arbiter thinks he is the coolest, but champion thinks arbiter is the coolest. only the coolest monster alive could raise the great champion!

i used to have a headcanon that, when he got to the surface and the royal guard pretty much disbanded, he would pursue a job as a physiotherapist. i think this headcanon mostly started as a self indulgent "what if papyrus was my physiotherapist" for when i needed physio after i dislocated my knee for the second time, but i think it would honestly fit him! he'd get to help people heal, all while encouraging them to stay fit!

Phobos (Underfell Sans):

he doesn't like puns because he's not clever enough to make them. he can tell a mean knock knock joke, though

he's such a big car guy, he has little models of them and everything. his goal is to restore at least one old car in his life, he doesn't ever care what kind

he's really reclusive. not for any reason, he just prefers to be alone

YOU KNOW SUSIE FROM DELTARUNE? he laughs EXACTLY like her, head throw back, one hand over his eyes and the other on his stomach

he hates his brother's cat with a PASSION. she's always in his room and getting her fur all over everything

it isn't just doomfanger he doesn't like, either. he doesn't like most animals. they either need constant attention or they're messy, even worse if they're both.

while he doesn't like pets, he'll gladly keep plants. he's not exactly the best at caring for them, they often end up either over watered or forgotten, so his brother has to take care of them but he loves them <3

he names the plants.

i think its weird when people give him only one HP? like i know Arbiter only has one, but in Underfell they have dust on their hands. they have LV, and it raises your HP, at least if you go off what happens to Frisk when you kill a monster. he's still have really low HP, but it certainly wouldn't be 1. i think it'd at least be in double digits.

Deimos (Underfell Papyrus):

he's really soft on his brother considering the world they grew up in. phobos could have just left him on his own as a child, but he didn't. it's his own way to show his brother how grateful he is

i hate everyone who gave them an abusive relationship fuck you guys/th family comes first if you're not protecting your family in this world you are shunned. so no, he doesn't be mean to his brother to "keep up appearances", they are NICE TO EACH OTHER and they LOVE EACH OTHER even if it tough love. maybe that's all they know because of their violent world 😡😡

sorry it's three am and i am very passionate about that.

he's actually a big baby. and the only one who knows is his brother.

HONESTLY he's not as mean as people make him out to be. he's a really big nerd, he would totally love silly nerd things like Sci Fi movies and stuff

he really likes the Nightmare on Elm Street movies. he'll fight his brother (a notorious Friday the 13th fan) that Freddy is better than Jason

he's really strict and, in a world that's Kill or be Killed, he would still follow any laws still in place to a T. he is OVERWHELMED by the amount of laws he has to remember on the surface, but he would rather die than do something illegal.

he literally won't even jay walk like dude it's fine no one cares 💀

he's a very good cook because i'm a sucker for that sort of thing. he still originally "learned" how to cook from Undyne, but when he saw how horrible of a cook she was, he decided it'd be best if he learned on his own

doomfanger was literally picked up off the side of the road. deimos is a sucker for cute animals and he would probably bring in any stray he saw if his brother didn't stop him

Firefly (Underswap Sans):

while he does own a motorcycle, his main mode of transportation is a dad van. one of those minivans that have a tv in it and the doors have buttons to open and close them

he is very obviously the older brother

tacky tourist dad outfits

he's the dad friend.

he is the older brother and he likes puns and he has 1 HP and you can pry that hc outta my cold dead hands. actually no you cant cuz ill hold onto it in death 😋😋😋😋😋

he didn't join the royal guard because he wanted to, he did it because he felt like it would help protect his brother if anything were to happen. the only reason he isn't allowed to actually join the guard is because of his low HP

Meridian (Underswap Papyrus):

he started smoking as a way to calm his anxiety and grew dependent on it. he knows how much it bothers his brother so he is trying to stop the habit, switching to suckers instead.

he's really good at art but he gets embarrassed whenever someone wants to look at it cuz he thinks it's bad

he doesn't necessarily dislike puns, but he pretends to just so his brother will make more. it makes him really happy to see firefly enjoying his horrible humour

he's the judge in his AU but, unlike Arbiter, he doesn't have karma so he has to use more powerful attacks if Chara ever went on a geno run

Leo (Swapfell Sans):

as said here; they have the aesthetic/looks of fellswap red, although i think i like the outfit for fellswap gold sans more 😇😇

older brother

he's not as mean as he appears to be, it was mostly to keep up a scary reputation so less monsters would bother him and his brother

he has relaxed significantly while on the surface, putting up less of a "tough guy" act, now only one when needed

he hates human politics soooo much. they are all stupid and crooks. granted, his own queen is a tyrant which isn't much better, but at least she is honest with her crimes

if i wanted to make him the oldest out of everyone, i CAN 😡. he is 53 in human years and he is tired and he just wants a glass of wine please just let him have a single glass of wine

he's super busy all the time and he hates it 💀 he is still a sans, he still likes to be lazy

Cav (Swapfell Papyrus):

he has the biggest sweet tooth

he doesn't talk much, due to just being shy

his physical looks is similar to fellswap red papyrus.

he falls in love really easily and tends to get hurt more often than not due to his little puppy crushes

he likes to game, mostly cutesy farm simulators like stardew valley or other games like that, but he also really enjoys online games like COD or Overwatch :)

SPEAKING OF GAMES OH MY GOD he would love genshin impact and he would grind for primogens and somehow he would ALWAYS GET THE CHARACTER HE'S WISHING FOR.

Pisces (Horrortale Sans):

semi-nonverbal

his head injury makes it hard for him to get words out, and even then, his mind is pushing through so many thoughts that he'll lose track of what he was saying midway through.

he has taken to write down what he wants to say, that way if he forgets halfway through, he can just read what he already has written to try and jog his memory.

i'm pretty sure it's canon that he never ate humans?, but yeah he hasnt 😇😇

this isn't a hc about him, but i like to think that Frisk never willingly left them. in their timeline, monsters were targets of a lot of hate crimes so they RESET and did a neutral run. they didn't want the monsters to miss them, so they didn't bother befriending any of them, which led to Undyne taking over instead of Toriel. if they knew what happened after they left, they would have figured something else out. Pisces thought they just didn't like them anymore and wanted to leave them behind.

OKAY so you know how he is a part of the bad guys? WELL IT'S NOT BECAUSE HE IS A "BAD GUY", GRIMM JUST SAW POTENTIAL IN HIM AND GAVE HIM A WAY OUT OF THE FAMINE!!!!! he's mostly like a dad who can cook really well and acts more like your friend than your dad yunno?

he never hurt others because he wanted to, it was just because he wanted to survive </3

if you ignore him being in the bad guys, then the way they got onto the surface in their AU was because he was secretly hoarding the SOULS to the humans he killed and he broke the barrier himself. ugh he's so strong and cool look at him go

Aries (Horrortale Papyrus):

he HATES the braces he has to wear to straighten his teeth. they get in the way and he can't enjoy all the food he wants to.

HE HAS A DOG ON THE SURFACE!!! a really big fluffy great pyrenees. she's beautiful and he takes her to the groomers often to deal with the shedding :) her name is fluffy, named by Pisces

pisces didn't want him to know what they ate during the famine, but he isn't stupid. he's well aware he had consumed human flesh. he feels guilty for it, even guiltier that he had enjoyed it.

despite just being an older papyrus, due to what he has seen and been through, his personality had changed a bit. he has a much shorter temper with others, and he wouldn't allow his guard down around threats.

he makes his own clothes if/when he can because he prefers clothing that fits 🤨

Hop (Dancetale Sans):

he gets really embarrassed while dancing in front of other people. he gets embarrassed doing it alone in his room sometimes too 💀

he's more lethargic than any other sans (quite the feat) but that's mostly because he doesn't really dance all that much and it takes a toll on his body. monsters naturally dance so for him to repress all his urges it strains him physically and makes him more tired

he's good at beatboxing smh

he used to be really confident in himself but with his hope going down, and with him stopping dancing, he lost his confidence

he feels like he'll never be as good as a dancer as he once was which just adds to the reason why he wont dance anymore.

Boleos (Dancetale Papyrus):

LISTEN LISTEN HE IS SO COCKY

like you would not BELIEVE how cocky he is oh my GOD

its okay he had reason to because he is so epic 🙄

he's tried out hiphop once for his brother but he made a fool of himself. he'll claim that day never happened if anyone were to bring it up 💀

he loves reality TV, and i know it's cliche but he loves the dancing shows 🙄 dancing with the stars (he was on that show once), dance moms, any other dance show that i've never heard of...

he is a very famous dancer and he's probably weaselled his way into some broadway show just to flaunt his dancing

Callisto (Outertale Sans):

he is probably my shortest boy

very shy/easily flustered

shut up i just think he is cute and i can make him easily flustered if i want to

this is a popular hc but he floats when he's embarrassed and i love it <3

living in space gives him a boost on astrology. he can identify every single known constellation and he knows really bizarre space facts that most likely no one else would know

the lower gravity of the moon is really handy to him cuz he could jump up and take a nap wherever he wanted. just kick his legs up and fall asleep mid air

Pandora (Outertale Papyrus):

LISTEN HE'S SO FUNNY TO WATCH WALK AROUND he loves playing with the low gravity cuz he'll just start jumping around and it looks like he's basically flying because he also uses his gravity magic like champ ugh

sometimes he gets distracted by it and forgets what he was going to do 💀

sometimes he will float off the face of the planet ON PURPOSE and it always freaks everyone else out because "oh my god how does he keep doing this he is going to get lost in space one of these days"

yeah he's a trouble maker. yeah he thinks its funny to see others reactions. yes he feels bad if he pulls a particularity mean jape. love him <3

Crow (Birdtale Sans):

collects shiny things!!!!

when he gets anxious, he tends to pull feathers from his wings. it helps to ground him, but it also sometimes leaves him with bald spots when he has a panic attack

he loves going flying on the surface, being able to see the world he was locked under really makes him appreciate the beauty of the earth

he'll perch on a tree to nap all the time. despite him being a grown adult, it still makes others worry because they don't know where he is when he disappears for extended hours

Carrion (Birdtale Papyrus):

he also collects shiny things HABAIBD

he prides himself in his wings so he takes really good care of them

he and his brother both have SUPER good memories

he likes to sit high up in trees, especially in the morning to watch the sun rise

speaking of the sun rise, he always wakes up before it to watch it, he loves the pretty colours the sky can make

Aero (Killertale Sans):

shameless

he is a menace to society

he loves deez nuts jokes tell me otherwise (maybe i'm just projecting )

he is actually really mentally unstable. the liquid hatred coming from his sockets affects him badly, and he's prone to lashing out at random times

ik i already said he is shameless but i dont think you get it, he could literally do anything without being embarrassed about it. ANYTHING

so of course he is a masochist. he's also sadistic but he likes pain to be inflicted on him for some reason 🙄

he and vendetta are besties idc IDC

Vendetta (Dusttale Sans):

he doesn't like others to see his emotions because he's afraid they will use it against him. something makes him happy? he's afraid it'll be ripped from him. something makes him sad? someone may use that against him as a weak spot. he hides behind a mask of indifference towards everything

he doesn't trust easily. not after frisk; not after they've taken so many things from him over and over again until he went insane. he is very good at pretending he trusts someone though. you may think he trusts you when in reality he doesn't at all.

the papyrus he sees is only a figment of his imagination, a manifestation of what he's done to his brother, to everyone in his AU. it isn't nice and it often ridicules him. it goes away when he gets distracted, but when he's alone, the voice is louder than ever. it takes the form of Papyrus because he is the one he regrets having to kill the most

he is very sadistic and he doesn't fight fairly at all. if he knows he is losing, he'll try to distract his opponent to get a few easy hits in. against a weaker opponent, he takes glee in watching them struggle to not get hurt and, eventually, killed

he has one of the highest LVs in the multiverse

Vex (XTale Sans):

he gets really jealous of other AUs and how they all got their stories. he's jealous that he never got that, that his own AU died and left nothing but him (and Chara, technically, but they don't really count)

he still acts as if he is a royal guard, even if his AU is long gone and he no longer has to

he speaks like semi-formally??? like he would always say "you are" instead of "you're" and stuff like that idk

do i think it's funny that he wouldn't know how the internet works? yes. do i also think it's funny that he would use tiktok? absolutely. it is the only social media account he has, and no matter how hard anyone tries to find it, they can't. he has all of them blocked because he's actually kind of embarrassed about it, but he has a lot of followers. he makes sure his face isn't in any of the videos just in case 💀

he may be a part of the bad guys, but he is also really good friends with sunny. they like to go out and spend their afternoons in cafés like cute little old people do they're so silly. they like to tell each other embarrassing secrets the others have it's how sunny found out vendetta actually sings in the shower

Delusion (Error):

uses he/they pronouns!

he makes dolls of the people he is close to, or if he finds them interesting enough

they can tamper with the code of any AU, and if he really wanted to, he could fix any mistakes within the code. they never do, though, as their job is to destroy AUs, not fix them

speaking of, he does what he does because it is his job, he was created to destroy AUs. he mostly takes out aus that arent fully finished or abandoned by the creator

i headcanon him as aromantic asexual. he's more-so demiromantic, and he needs a REALLY good connection with someone to actually be interested

along with haphephobia, they also have a fear of germs. the two fears go hand in hand, bouncing off each other to create a whole mess of situations

that leads into this next headcanon; he used to have a cat but the hair everywhere really bothered both of his phobias so he ended up giving it to graphite to take care of

the cat, originally, was supposed to be a sort of "exposure therapy" to get over his haphephobia because he didn't want to crash just because someone touched him. it didn't work out.

he and fresh and siblings <3 why? because i said so.

Graphite (Ink):

he is a very physical person, always wanting to be touching someone

not held back by meagre things such as GENDER or PRONOUNS! he doesn't mind what pronouns others use, they just mostly use he/him.

he never really feels anything, not even with the paints that give him "emotions". they more so just tempt him to act a certain way, a subconscious message that he should do something that related to that emotion; like cry when "sad"

i like to think he can break the fourth wall in the sense that he is helping creators with their own Au and/or projects within the already existing Aus. it's also mentioned here that he "supports the artist to keep contributing to the fandom".

BOUNCING OFF THE DELUSION HEADCANON, he loves the cat del gave him. he forgot it used to belong to del and now he thinks it's a gift. he won't listen to del saying otherwise because he thinks he is lying 💀

the cat is named doomsday and it was named by del. graphite had to write the name on his scarf to remember it 💀

Grimm (Nightmare):

he hates the taste of apples

he likes to garden! and he is very good at it. when he gets too worked up, he'll water his large garden by hand to calm down

fuck you/lh bad guy found family trope. he took them under his wing and he lets them live with him and he is the FATHER BECAUSE I SAID SO

i like to think he's like venom in the way that the physical manifestation of negativity is venom, a parasite inhabiting grimm's body. they are two consciousnesses living in the same body. the negativity is sort of a protector to grimm, too. maybe out of fear of losing the host, or because it actually cares for grimm, who knows. that's a secret i'll never tell :)

he's really good at chess and no one has beaten him yet 🙄

he isn't keen on having an s/o, he'll vastly outlive them and he also just doesn't really care about dating too much

he still lives in the rubble that is his original AU. he constructed the castle he lives in within the AU.

he's shorter than sunny. short king <3

sometimes you could find him in the ballroom of his castle, music coming from an unknown source as he waltzes by himself

Sunny (Dream):

he has a very... sunny... disposition.. hehe.. HAHAH

by that i mean he is often very chipper, you'll probably never see him anything but happy, no matter how long you're friends with him

it's not that he doesn't feel other emotions, he just doesn't like others seeming him sad/angry/any other "negative" emotion. he's supposed to be the positive of the two brothers.

he's constantly moving, literally. when he's sitting, he'll bounce his leg or shake his foot to remind himself that he can move and he isn't still trapped in his stone prison

because of him being trapped in stone by his brother, he has slight claustrophobia, along with cleithrophobia.

he is very good at comforting others

he's... honestly a little afraid of Grimm. he knows he should have tried harder to stick up for his brother back when they were still children, and he still feels guilty and responsible for Grimm's corruption, but he's afraid of how powerful he has become; how Grimm could just kill all those people who wronged him

[bearificationtransformations]

Michele and Fransiscu were young, uninhibited, and in love. The couple met online and quickly fell for each other. Franciscu was new to Milan. He had grown up in the mountains of Sardinia and it took time for him to get used to life in urban Milan, but Michele helped him adjust.

The two went everywhere together. They moved in together after only a few months of dating and shared everything. Michele had their occasional fights but it seemed fairly smooth sailing.

The two would exercise at the gym together, and Michele especially wanted to build more muscle. Fransiscu was less enthusiastic but went to support his partner. Despite his lack of interest in lifting weights, Franciscu was remarkably strong and had a fair amount of solid muscle. Farm work, he explained, but Michele wasn’t so sure. There were aspects of Franciscu’s family that were a little... mysterious. For one thing, there was an outstanding rumor that the people in his Sardinian village still practiced witchcraft. It was a story Michele only came across when reading up on his partners home town.

Franciscu did have some odd habits and rituals. His affinity for herbs and candles went beyond a regular passing interest. He also sported the supposed the “mark of a warlock” on his arm. A myth maybe, but with all the talk online about the town Franciscu was from, Michele kept this in the back of his mind.

Michele also knew not to take any of that too seriously. Michele was beyond thrilled to have such a warm, passionate man in his life, even if he came with some odd rural traditions and a sometimes strange way of speaking.

After a year together the Michele had fallen deeply in love with his boyfriend, and yet he couldn’t resist the attention other men sometimes sent his way. The mood in their relationship went sour after Michele recieved a text from his ex. When Franciscu found out his boyfriend was texting with his ex, he was furious. His full blown hot blooded Mediterranean jealousy came into its own.

Michele relented and agreed not to chat with his ex anymore. Three weeks after the fight, while Michele was showering Franciscu saw another flirty text from Michele’s phone pop up. Enraged, Franciscu barged in and screamed at his boyfriend. “ Its over!” he yelled, and “you’ll regret this!” And stormed out.

The two split. Michele tried to make amends but Franciscu wasn’t having it He moved out that night and Michele’s texts went unanswered.

It was a week later that Michele noticed something odd. His clothes felt a little snug. He had a lot of energy when he went to the gym before, but now he was positively bouncing off the ceiling. Despite his grief over losing his relationship, Michele was hitting the weights harder than ever. Soon he could see changes in the mirror. He was starting to fill out... everywhere. All of a sudden his body was starting to pack on weight. His ass, his legs, his belly were all thickening up. He stepped on the scale, only one week since his breakup and instead of the 75 kgs he expected, he was up to 80kgs. That was 5 kgs in around a week... there was no way that was possible. He hadn’t changed his eating habits...

In the next few days the weight continued to pile on at an alarming rate. Four days after he first noticed the new weight, he had baloooned to 90 kgs. Every morning he could see he looked a little bigger in the bathroom mirror. By the time he would get to the gym the mirrors there would show him a little bigger still.

Michele hit the gym harder to try and compensate for his sudden and extremely rapid weight gain, but it didn’t slow it down. His strength and energy was high at the gym, and he could feel muscle was growing, but his body fat was increasing fast. It was less than two weeks after the breakup and suddenly Michele had developed a belly. His clothes were getting very tight and his pants and shorts were impossible to button.

Each morning then routine became to examine his body for the changes and growth from the night before. Each morning he saw new weight, and more mass added to his frame. As he sat up from his bed Michele now felt a belly in his lap. His thick legs and ass now could barely fit even in his athletic shorts. He approached the mirror in shock at his enlarged reflection. Every day was bringing more changes, more fat, more bulk, more weight. He had to buy new clothes to fit over his new size.

And that next morning, Michele looked himself over again. 100 kgs and growing. He pawed at his increasingly rounded belly and thickening arms. He was blowing up. Day by day, hour by hour. Even his two hour lifting, cardio sessions and restrictive new diet were doing nothing to stop the weight from piling onto his body. It was relentless. Part of was terrified by how big he would get. Another part of him was excited by how he had bulked up into one of the biggest men in his gym.

In less than two weeks he’d gained 25 kgs and had to buy an entirely new wardrobe. He was getting huge. His face was filling out, growing chubbier. He was ashamed to meet with his friends when going out, so he just stayed in. Wouls they even recognize him now that he was growing into such a thick chunky bear?

Michele continued to hit the weights in hopes of building more muscle and combat the fat gains. It worked, his arms and shoulders broadened, his pecs rounded out with thick brawn and a layer of chub, and his legs became huge and powerful. Suddenly Michele was benching 100 kgs with ease, then 120, the. 140... and he grew stronger still. He looked like a rugby player, or even a powerlifter. Anxious and self conscious as he was, he had to admit his newfound strength in the gym and thick powerful arms were bringing him a surprising new confidence. He didn’t hate how wide his shoulders were getting. He filled out his shirts in a way that seemed to emphasize his powerful build.

A few days later when he saw the scale turn to 110 kgs, Michele recieved a text from Franciscu “you said you wanted to get bigger, well I hope you enjoy getting bigger then”

Michele’s mind raced. He looked at his thick build in the mirror. Has Franciscu actually done this to him? Had his rapid weight gain been some kind of curse? There was no way his transformation was natural. Were the rumors about that town true?

Michele didn’t respond. He ignored Franciscu. Maybe he had been watching him. Still, he was getting self conscious of his growing size.

Finally, around the time his weight hit 120 kilos it the gains seemed to slow down. It had been a hell of a transformation over the month. 120 kilos on his 1.75m frame was a lot. He started to get used to aspects of his new bearish body. He felt heavy, thick, chunky, but strong as hell. He could bench 200 kgs without much help! He curled 25 kgs easily.

A few more days passed, now at 123 kgs, Michele braved the world of scruff and posted his profile with his updated picture, weight and profile.

Much to his surprise men hit him up from all over much more than before. Texts like “sexy bear” and “fuck me big boy” started coming in. It turned out that a lot of men online really appreciate his new muscle chub build and he began getting together with men who loved his bearish body.

Michele embrased his new bearish identity and powerlifter like build. He was probably the strongest man in his gym now, and frequently pressed weights that grabbed the attention of other gym goers. Franciscu may have tried to get revenge on him, but it backfired. Michele.

And Michele has no idea to what degee it had backfired until a few weeks later. He recieved a text from someone identified as Franciscu’s sister, who urged him to see Franciscu. Apparently his ex had returned to Sardinia to the village for a time after they broke up. As his sister told him, Franciscu’s spell had rebounded shortly after his trip home and franciscu was now back in Milan and scared to leave his house in his new size.

Lonely, and eager to know if this was true, Michele finally wrote back to Franciscu and asked him if he was ok. Franciscu surprisngly wrote back. Asked Micheles forgiveness and if they could see each other.

Michele paid a visit to Franciscu at the new address. The wooden floors of the hallway creaked against Michele’s 125 kilo bulk. When he walked into the darkened apartment he was shocked to see his former lover.

Franciscu had blimped up enormously! He was more than fat, he sported a new enormous gut. Unlike Michele, who had built muscle by his agressive weightlifting, Franciscu looked like he had just grown rounder and rounder with fat. Instead of going to the gym as he gained, Franciscu had just moped around in self pity. He should have known that spells like that would rebound.

“Wow Michele” Franciscu began “you look... good!”

Michele just stood there in silence at this fat man with Franciscu’s face. Motionless.

“I’m sorry I did this to you Michele” Franciscu said in a sorrowful tone. “You can see I did it to myself. It... bounced back on me. It was wrong. I know it was wrong. I’m so sorry”

There was silence as a Michele looked on stunned at the fat bear his ex boyfriend had become.

“Look at you, such a sexy bear now” Franciscu continued. “Look at those arms. You’re huge! But in a good way! Not like me... I just got fat. Goddamn, I’m so fat” he continued.

“I swear to you I will never do anything like this again. I know it was wrong” Micheles fattened ex continued “can you ever forgive me?”

Despite his hugely overweight new frame, Michele still found himself lost in his former boyfriends eyes. He was still in love with this man, even transformed. Even after the transformation he had put them both through.

“I don’t hate you Franciscu” Michele finally said “I’ve missed you” he continued. “And... I don’t... I don’t hate what I’ve become” he said. Franciscu smiled.

Franciscu was the first to embrace Michele, but Michele didn’t resist. Michele pulled off Franciscu’s tight shirt to get a good look at the fat man Franciscu had become.

Soon the two were together again, only much, much larger. Their huge bodies pressing against each other in a new sensations. The bed creaked in protest at the 300 kilos rolling around on top of it.

The two now huge men had found each other again. Michele woke up the next morning to find his fat bear of a boyfriend laying in bed next to him. He realized with a certain satifaction that he could definitely get used to Franciscu’s new fat body, just as he had already gotten used to his own new beefy musclechub frame.

“You still love me, even like this? “ Fransiscu asked in a self conscious tone.

“I love you like this” Michele replied quickly.

[swiss-cheeze]

(French Road, East) Apartment 23 || Spencer Reid

Gender: they/them, none.

Warnings: drug use, drug relapse, talk of drugs/‘shooting up’, talk of alcohol/being drunk, snooping?, mentions of sex but nothing written, agression

Description: weeks pass from the teams abduction, but one member can’t seem to keep his nightmares at bay.

A/N: PART 2 TO FRENCH ROAD, EAST. Read that first to get a better understand but you don’t necessarily have to?

Part 1: https://snitchthewitch.tumblr.com/post/625420152793694208/french-road-east-spencer-reid

———

“I need you to close your eyes Spencer, good, just like that. Can you tell me what happened before you and the team were kidnapped? Where were you?”

“I was with Morgan and Penelope, we went for some drinks to loosen ourselves up after the last case. It's dark, and cold, I'm drunk. Maybe...maybe tipsy?”

“It's okay Spence, you were drunk?”

“I couldn't walk well without help, Penelope was on one side, Morgan is on the other, he’s on his phone. I see your name, and he's texting you, i don't know what it is but its not words,”

“Okay, what's around you? People? Streets?”

“Its dark, so not many people are around, but there's this chilly feeling behind us as we drop Penelope off”

“So Penelope isn't with you two anymore?”

“No, not now, she's gone. Morgan and I are stumbling on the road for a little while but Morgan looks back and he's sobered up, he's walking and he's got his phone out. He's called you, something about someone under six foot,” Spencers breathing increased as his brows furrowed.

“Spencer, you are safe. What's happening now?”

“It's a blur, i-i cant...im calling for you, they’re dark, we’re in a van now-”

“They?”

“Five people, two in the front and the rest with us in the back, the one following us got in when they grabbed us,” he pauses, “they’re not looking and i take out my phone, just as i look up i see a road sign,”

“French Road”

“Yeah, yeah I sent that to you, I messaged it and added east, because we traveled east. One of the men sees my phone, he's slapped it out of my hand as another grabs my hair,” Spencer flinches and you have to stop yourself from grabbing his hand, “they throw Morgan and i somewhere, it's dark and smells, it's a sewer. I hear Rossi shouting, then i black out. The next time I wake up, everyone else is with us and they start questioning us, asking random things.”

“Random things?”

“Like lie detector questions; remember the Adam Jackson case? With D.I.D.?”

“I remember; its questions like random maths, english?”

“Yeah, yeah like that. I think they’re seeing how alive we are, if we are awake. We all are, I take a little to answer my question.”

“What was your question?” he pauses.

“‘What is the molecular formula for hydromorphone hydrochloride’”

“Dilaudid”

“Well, morphine but that's what they wanted me to remember anyway. It took a moment for me to come around, but I answered, correctly; C17H19NO3”

“What did they do?”

“They left, when we all answered our questions they left.”

“When’s the next time they come back?”

“I'm not sure, I just remember waking up and J.J. was being beaten,” Spencers voice shuddered at the mention of J.J. 's name.

“Good, that's good Spence,”

“C-can i open my eyes now?” of course he would ask before doing it, he couldn't see it but you did smile.

“Yeah, yeah you can Spence,” Spencer was quick to take action and opened his eyes, squinting at the white of the hospital walls around him.

“Did you tell them-”

“There is no morphine in your system Spencer,” you started, “there isn't anything else the doctors can do besides wait,” you sighed softly as you took Spencers hand in yours, “because it's a morphine based drug they can't do anything else,” Spencer nodded but you still had a feeling something was wrong, ”Spence?”

“How long has it been?” Spencer looked like he was going to cry.

“Three days,” the sharp intake of Spencers breath gave it away quickly, “the others have gone through the same line of cognitives Spencer, the story holds and it’s something we can use against the people that took you-”

“You mean they’re still not in jail?” Spencer questioned quietly, you sighed softly.

“They have to go through some other things first but i have been told that their sentence will be long, long enough for what they’ve done,”

“Im sorry,” Spencer sniffled, the tears in his eyes fell and hit the gown he was wearing, “i'm so sorry,”

“For what bubba?” it was hard to see the one you love looking and feeling like this, but you both had to stay strong. He shrugged.

“I broke my stre-”

“Don't you dare say that,” by now you had gotten up and were towering over Spencer as he refused to look at you, “you did not break anything, you didn't break a single thing Spencer. Those men, those people- those disgusting people! They did. They broke it. Not you.” you said firmly, Spencer nodded weakly. You pressed your hand to Spencer's cheek and made him look at you, his teary eyes made you weak at the knees as you ducked down and kissed his forehead.

“The fact that you uh,” Spencer sniffed and wiped his eyes, “you found us in under fifteen hours,” he laughed.

“What, you think i wouldn't?” you questioned, the joking lighting the mood.

“No, no, I just,” he paused, and with fake sadness said, “I just thought you'd find us in under ten,” you lightly punched Spencer's arm with mock anger as he laughed.

“That’s so rude Spence! Garcia and I went through a lot!”

“I know i know!” Spencer exclaimed with a smile. Though the team had gone through hell and back they looked in perfect health, unfortunately masking their trauma too easily.

-----

The entire team was given a mandatory four weeks off as well as daily therapy sessions for those weeks with once a week group therapy; the whole team coming in and talking about their week and what they’ve done via their therapist and such. Yourself, Spencer and Garcia had it worse as you and Garcia were the ones trying to find your friends and Spencer O.D.ed for three minutes.

Spencer was 10 minutes late, but you all agreed to start without him.

“I wrote down everything that happened,” you started, “but i still start to panic when i don't see anyone in the mornings,”

“That's normal (Y/n)” the therapist said from her chair, “from what you, and your team, has gone through it is very normal to feel sudden panic when not being able to pinpoint them. The same with your team,” her eyes flitted around to the others, “it is completely normal for you to feel panicked when possibly out at a bar, in a bookstore or anywhere without your friends,” she was about to open her mouth again to speak when the large doors opened harshly and out stepped Spencer, bag in hand and rushing to the only seat (which was next to you) open. He gave a rushed smile and avoided eye contact.

“Traffic,” Spencer mumbled, you two had gotten up at the same time (seeing as you lived together obviously) but Spencer said he wanted to stay back and finish some final paperwork before he came in; this wasn't an unusual thing to happen as it has happened before, so you had left with a kiss and a promise to see him in a few hours.

“Traffic?” the therapist asked.

“Yes traffic, that is what I said,” Spencer countered as he picked at his fingers, the therapist stayed silent for a moment.

“Would you like to share with the group what you have done this week?” she questioned, Spencer thought he subtly rolled his eyes before he finally looked up to his fellow teammates, but you had caught it. And he knew you did.

“I wake up feeling panicked sometimes,” Spencer started with a shrug, “that's about it.”

“Why panicked?” the therapist pressed.

“Because (Y/n) isn't next to me, they get up a little earlier than i do a lot of the time,” he looked at you with such sadness that you couldn't help the sympathetic smile you sent his way.

“Well, maybe you could ask (Y/n) to wake up at the same time,” the therapist pointed at yourself when she said your name. You nodded.

“I don't mind Spence, you can just ask,” you smiled sweetly to Spencer but he broke eye contact before you could even look at him and nodded, a ‘cool’ whispered under his breath as he twiddled his thumbs. Everyone went quiet for a moment.

“Well, I believe that concludes this week's therapy together!” the therapist said too happily as everyone started getting up and putting their chairs away, “please remember to keep going with your practices and remember to come in for your individual sessions!” Everyone gave a thank you and goodbye as the group started walking back to the bullpen; cases had been taken away from the team until a full evaluation and mental health check went over all of the team members. You jogged to keep up with Spencer.

“Wanna go out for lunch later babe?” you questioned, hand going out to hold his. Until it was whipped away quickly by the recipient.

“No, I'm good,” Spencer mumbled as he sped up his steps, causing you to slow your steps down and stopping completely as Spencer turned a corner and was out of sight. He didn't see the tears starting to spill down your cheeks as you felt a hand softly connect with your shoulder, making you jump and turn to face the person.

“We’ve seen it before,” Hotch said in his monotone voice, you nodded as you quickly wiped the tears away.

“Unfortunately i know,” you mumbled through a shaky breath, yourself and Spencer hadn't gotten together for awhile, simply pining after each other for a few years before finally opening up and becoming a couple. You had been his best friend for years before, being friends when you both were in college (him being younger than you but you two still getting into the FBI academy a year after the other), you had been the one person he confided in when the whole Tobias thing happened and was the number one reason (in Spencers words) that helped him get through his addiction.

“You should intervene,” Hotch said. So he knew too. You nodded.

“What if we’re wrong?” you questioned, it was always the ‘what ifs’ that got all of you.

“It’s been three weeks,” Hotch reminded you, “he wouldn't still be like this if he wasn't,” you sighed but nodded in understanding as Hotch pat your shoulder for a second and walked off to the bullpen, leaving you with your shaking breath and slight panic attack.

Spencer was using again.

But you had to find evidence before intervening.

-

Time was short as Spencer excused himself from his desk for the toilet. As he rounded the corner and disappeared from sight you made quick work with the limited time you had and delved into Spencer's bag.

Books, pencils, notepad, stray chess pieces, files and folders.

Damn.

Nothing.

It couldn't be that obvious could it? You sighed softly and took a peek to see if Spencer was coming back, when he didn't suddenly float into the room you turned to his desk and opened the drawers; shuffling through them.

“(Y/n)?” Spencer asked from behind you, you slammed the drawer shut and whirled around to face your boyfriend.

“Spence!” you gave a strained laugh.

“Why are you going through my drawers?” he questioned with a cock of his eyebrow.

“Just tryna find something,” you lied through your teeth, it didn't taste nice, “wow look!” you picked up the closest thing to you, a stapler, “found it!”

“You could've asked instead of going through my drawers,” Spencer mumbled offhandedly as he reached down in front of you and grabbed his bag before walking away.

“Where are you going?” you questioned, your voice carrying out through the whole bullpen, Spencer looked around at the few pairs of eyes looking at him, those few including his teammates before he did a 180 degree turn and went stalking off to the toilets.

If Spencer was using again then he was smart enough not to do it at work, unless you had missed it when shuffling through his bag.

-

Spencer seemed to be in a daze for most of the day as you gave him a chaste kiss, saying goodbye to him and the team as you headed home; your paperwork for the day ended quicker than the others. You made a mission to find plausible evidence of Spencer using again, if he was smart he would leave it at home, if he was smarter he would keep it on him, if he was as smart as his 187 IQ then he wouldn't be using at all. That is if he even is.

You rifled through everything in the house; books, cabinets, drawers, wardrobes, unused boxes, the back of your kitchen cabinets and drawers, turning the house upside down to find that small bottle of nightmares.

But to no avail.

The hours that passed seemed to go so slowly and yet so fast as you cleaned the house of your excursions, made yourself a cup of tea and settled down with a book, of course as soon as you opened it the first page had writing in the margins and title page; it was Spencer's book, the notes made you smile as the pages made you forget the recent nightmares for a few hours. The keys jingling in the lock made you jump from your imagination as Spencer stepped through the threshold and into the room, you gave him a sweet smile that he didn't even notice as he walked away to the bedroom with his bag. He never did that, Spencer always left his bag at the door in case he had to rush in order for him to grab and go.

“I was thinking of ordering in for dinner!” you called through the house, “haven't had some for a few weeks, treat ourselves!”

“Yeah whatever you want doll!” Spencer called back, he was chipier suddenly. You forced yourself to focus on the sounds coming from the bedroom but couldn't decipher exactly what they were when Spencer came back out wearing a cotton shirt and some plaid pants, you cocked an eyebrow.

“You got comfy quickly,” you mentioned, “normally you wait a few hours in case we have to go back.” Spencer shrugged as he walked into the kitchen and got himself a glass of water.

“Can't be bothered,” Spencer tried his hardest to mask the slurping of the water but when it got low enough he couldn't help himself as he downed a second glass.

“Didn't drink much today i see,” you mumbled as you looked back to your book, the empty tea cup almost calling your name for a second time as Spencer came up behind the couch and wrapped his arms around you, kissing your head. You chuckled, completely forgetting about his previous antics from the day, “chippy i see”, you felt Spencer shrug behind you.

“I think i just missed being with you is all,” Spencer mumbled into your hair, “smell good, you shower?” you laughed.

“Last night yeah,” you smiled and looked up at Spencer, the top of your head colliding softly with Spencers, also soft, tummy.

“That's my book?” Spencer observed as his eyes ran over the written graphite in the margins, you looked back down at the book and nodded.

“Mm hmm, didn't realise when i picked it up but i'm enjoying the little annotations,” you smiled softly as Spencer started kissing from the top of your head to your neck, soft pecks turned into nibbles, turned into purple bruises.

“Haven't felt you in so long,” Spencer mumbled into your neck, his hands gliding lower from your shoulders and down your torso.

“Yeah?” you questioned, feeling his fingers trace over your shirt, you knew the answer, and you definitely knew what was going to come out from this.

“Please?” Spencer asked, ah, consent, his number one turn on. The thought almost made you chuckle as you nodded.

“Yes,” you placed the book on the coffee table next to the abandoned empty cup and followed Spencer into the bedroom, his hand soft in yours as he guided you on the short trip.

That night made you forget about the previous days. It was true that you and Spencer hadn't done anything together for awhile, therapy taking up time along with paperwork and just not feeling in the moment of things, but that night was full of bliss; exploring one another again like it was your first time all over again.

It was beautiful. Truely.

For you anyway.

Of course Spencer loved it, every moment of it was beautiful and full of bliss for him as well, but there was a nagging in the back of his head, one that he couldn't shut up, even with your beautiful body in front of him. You were dead to the world, snuggled under the covers, as Spencer crept into your linked bathroom; there was someone else calling his name just as loud as you and Spencer had been calling each other's names a few hours ago.

Except this wasn't someone.

It was something.

And Spencer knew that this something wasn't right, of course he did. He was throwing away so much time, so many days and weeks of being clean, so many years. Unfortunately the nightmares Spencer had been talking about in group therapy where back.

And they were real.

Very, very real.

--------

The following week you worked on the paperwork from previous cases including material profiles on paper evidence until you got called in for your daily therapy session.

“So,” Mike started, “how has today been? Yesterday at group therapy?” you shrugged, thoughts clouded, “something on your mind?” Mike pressed.

“How would you gain evidence if you think someone is using drugs again without raising suspicion of everyone and said person?” you questioned quickly, “asking for a friend,” the end was added as a joke.

“Well, you would intervene,” Mike said. That's what you liked about Mike, he never questioned anything you asked or said, you could say you killed a man and he would ask how you hid the body and help with your alibi.

“How?” you questioned in a strained voice, the thought of Spencer using again was getting to you.

“Take them somewhere they're comfortable, sit them down and simply: ask” Mike said as he jotted down some things in his little notebook.

“If you're writing that I'm paranoid then dont bother,” Mike looked up from the book, “i'm not. I know that they’re using again, but if I don't have plausible evidence then they’ll just…” you shrugged, ''well I don't really know, do i?” Mike took a moment to respond.

“How are you feeling after your team got kidnapped,” it was a daily question, steering you away from the topic.

“Fine.”

“You're not,” Mike observed.

“Yeah well if its that fucking obvious then why arent these sessions helping?” you questioned aggressively, then paused, “i'm sorry.”

“It's quite alright (Y/n), bouts of random and unprecedented anger are normal after traumatic events like that,” Mike explained, “how do you think the others are going?”

“Not well, i can tell. Hotch is refusing to speak, Rossi is faking everything he says and does, Emily, J.J., and Garcia are all a bubbling mess of tears, Derek dissociates a lot more now and Spence…” you paused, Mike noticed this.

“Is the one using”

“That's what we think,” you sniffled softly and pulled a tissue from the nearby box before getting up from the chair you sat on and walking to one of the large windows, “do you think he’s in pain?” you questioned.

“I think they’re all in a great deal of pain,” Mike responded, “but. If you’re asking as a professional opinion I think they need time. If you're asking as a friend, well, i think you should be there for him,” your ear twitched at the change of pronoun for Spencer, saying ‘him’ specifically instead of ‘them’. You nodded.

“What should i do?”

“Ask. If you can't talk to your boyfriend about it then you’re not ready to face it, and the more time that goes past about it is the less time you potentially have to spend with him,” Mike was wise, you knew that, but that sounded too cheesy to be him, so you laughed softly.

“You sound like a wise old owl,” you mentioned as you grabbed your bag.

“I see you’ve been keeping track of the time,” Mike commented; you had 2 minutes left of the session.

“I see you’ve been keeping track of me,” you shot back playfully before leaving the room and going back to your paper profiles, the previous events playing in your mind; the kidnapping, finding the team, the group therapy, that session, Spencer. Of course you could have been wrong about what the other team members could be doing, and of course you lied slightly; Emily wouldn't be crying, she’d mask it like Hotch and pretend everything is okay like Rossi. J.J. would just blubber about her husband and kids. But the others were correct. A chocolate muffin sat on your desk with a note attached to the wrapping;

‘Love,

We need to talk.

Nothing bad, kind of.

Tonight?

Xx

S’

Spencer. You smiled softly, maybe he would come clean, tell you what's been going on in his giant mind like he’s meant to be doing. You held the note close to your chest and gave it a kiss before sitting down and biting into the muffin and continuing your work; you didn't see the pair of eyes watching you, filled with love and guilt that was standing next to the coffee machine, sugar tin almost empty.

-------

Spencer wasn't exactly dreading tonight, oh no, he wasn't looking forward to it of course, but he knew, knows, it's for the best. The rest of the day went by in a little blur; chaste kisses from you, sessions, talking with people, jamming the photocopier, and coffee. The bag wrapped around Spencer's torso felt like five tons against his tiny frame, weighing him down for the most of the day, the only time he couldn't feel that weight was when you were around; talking, kissing Spencer, holding his hand, little comments, slight brushes when rushing past each other. Those moments were the moments that brought up his confidence in preparation for tonight; he can't live without you, but he wouldn't die for you, oh no, he would live for you. Which is slightly ironic in Spencer's mind but it fits, he wouldn't let this nightmare come back for round two without trying his best to kick its ass first, and the only way he knew how to do that was, is, with you by his side.

Spencer felt triumphant as he walked through those glass doors and into the elevator, you had left two hours previously but Spencer didn't mind, it gave you both time to wind down and get ready for this talk. Which is exactly what you both needed. He knew you knew, you knew he knew that you knew, now it's just the point of who would come clean first.

-------

Spencer stood out the front of his apartment.

Apartment 23.

It felt like such a large barrier, a large step, one that’s heavy and is hard to make. But it was also an escape, an escape, and that’s what Spencer had to remember, his home (and yours) is a sanctuary, a safe space for the both of you no matter what the problem is. A big sigh escaped Spencer's lungs as he the floor started swaying beneath him, his breath being held, black and white dots encapsulating his vision.

And then he was through the door.

And it all drifted away as you walked from the kitchen holding two dinner plates.

“Spence!” you exclaimed happily, bringing Spencer from his thoughts, “roast pork for dinner tonight, adn veggies,” you smiled and placed the plates on the table before leaving again. Spencer brought his hands up to put his bag down but thought against it and instead leant it against the table as he sat down, you coming out again with a bottle of spirit water, the bottle fizzing when cracked open.

“Thought you would go for wine tonight” Spencer commented as you filled his glass, “thanks,” you shrugged as you poured your own drink before putting the bottle to the side and sitting down.

“Thought this would be better to go with the meal, clean the palette and everything,” you smiled as Spencer picked up his knife and fork as his mouth also opened to drop a fact.

“In Normandy, locals rely on apple brandy as a digestive called Le Trou Normand, or the Norman break. It’s a shot of Calvados in the middle of the meal which can be served as a sorbet rather than a shot of alcohol,” Spencer rambled slightly with a smile as he ate his dinner. It felt natural, you two never really got to have special dinners like this, instead opting for take out or left overs. The comment was left hanging in the air as both you and Spencer dug into the delicious meat and vegetables, cooked to perfection that both you and Spencer loved. Spencer cut the fat off of his piece of meat and left it on a side dish that you put down earlier; Spencer didn't, doesn't, like fat from meat, ‘it’s too chewy’ he’d always say.

“How have you been since…?” you questioned, voice cutting through the nice silence. Spencer stopped eating for a moment, was this it?

“I’ve been okay,” Spencer said softly as he continued eating after a second, “bored,” he shrugged, “only read five books recently, just can’t seem to focus,” you nodded.

“That’s normal after traumatic events Spencer, you know this,” you cleared your throat and took a mouthful of your drink, “maybe you could read to me after this?” Spencer's foot shuffled closer to his bag, it leaning against the leg of the table.

“If-” Spencer cut himself off, what should he say? ‘If you want?’, then there was no use for the note and it'll go unspoken, ‘we have to talk?’ no, that sounds like there's something bad. Fuckfuckfuck.

“Spence?” your voice brought Spencer out of his railroad of thoughts as you put down your knife and fork having finished your food.

“We need to talk tonight,” Spencer started, “but I want it to be natural, I don't want it to be forced,” you nodded.

“I feel the same,” you said softly, it wasn't hostile, you weren't angry, you were compassionate and understanding, “you finish your food and then you can read to me, yeah?” you questioned, Spencer nodded as he continued eating while you brought your plate into the kitchen to be washed later in the night. You kissed the top of Spencer's head when you passed him on your way to the bookshelf, the silence that followed was calm but there was heat behind it, the air wanted to squeeze into your lungs and bring the words you both oh so wanted to say.

But you held back.

Both of you.

“The Illustrated Man?” you asked as Spencer walked out of the kitchen having put his plate away and taking a mouthful of his drink. He hummed.

“What about Papillon?” Spencer asked as he came up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist as he scanned the bookshelf for other books.

“No, reminds me too much of that Ted Bundy film too much,” you sighed out, you almost gave up before a book caught your eye; your hand moving out to grab it before you could even stop yourself as you handed it to Spencer.

“Murder on The Oriant Express huh?” Spencer questioned as he flipped the book over a few times, he nodded, “yeah, i could go with a murder mystery tonight” he smiled, as did you, as the two of you moved to the couch to read.

-

Hours passed of Spencer reading to you, and then the two of you switched for you to read to him. Neither of you said anything, almost forgetting about the elephant in the room.

“Do you think this is profiling?” you questioned as you got to a chapter, “what Poirot does?”

“I would think so,” Spencer said softly, “he deduces certain things to come to a conclusion, using evidence and simple common knowledge and deduction skills like Sherlock; id say he does”

“Do you think that's how i figured it out?” you questioned, Spencer brought his body up from its cuddled position to look at you.

“Figured out what?”

“That you’re using again”

Silence.

“So we’re going to talk about it,” Spencer spoke with such uncertainties you didn't know how to respond for a moment.

“So you are using again,” you spoke in a quiet voice, afraid that if your voice was too loud itll shatter the surrounding places.

“No.” Spencer was quick to disagree, “i mean,” he sighed as he fiddled with his hands, eyes staring at the carpet, refusing to look at you, “i did, for a little” you placed a hand on Spencer's shoulder as the book was discarded on the coffee table, “i stopped taking last week,” Spencer sniffled as he wiped his nose, tears landing in his lap, “i didn't want to, i really didn't, but it just got so hard, hard to cope with everything that has happened previously, every single case, every kid, every adult and father and mother and sister and brother and-”

“Spence breath” you commanded softly, Spencer had started hyperventilating as he spoke, he looked to you, finally, with tear filled eyes as you helped him even out his breathing and wiping away his tears.

“I started a few days after i was cleared from the hospital,” Spencer started again, his voice wavering slightly as he talked, “from there i started again, i don't know how long for,” Spencer looked down at his hands again, “i've lost my sense of time a lot more recently since starting again, so” he shrugged, “I knew how bad it was and could get but I didn't stop myself. Then I found you snooping in my drawers,” Spencer laughed softly at the memory, you doing the same, ''I found you snooping and i saw things in my bag messed about so i knew you had been looking for something, and i knew you knew what i was doing. Of course you did,” Spencer wiped his nose again, “that’s when i gave you that note, because i knew i had to stop, and it's been hard but i have” Spencer looked at you for reassurance.

“You did good Spencer,” you started, “i'm not...im not happy that you went back, you know i'm not,” he nodded, “and i'm not happy that you didn't tell me about you wanting to relapse,” another nod, “but i'm happy that you stopped yourself, and though it's not the perfect thing to be kidnapped again, you helped yourself stop this time,” you played with Spencer's hair as you talked. “I wish you told me,”

“I know”

“And i wish i could have helped,”

“I know”

“But I still love you,” Spencer smiled.

“Yeah?”

“Of course,” you sighed into Spencer's hair, “can’t leave you after everything that's happened and what we’ve been through, ‘snot right,” you slurred slightly, Spencer chuckled softly, “also because you’re great in bed,” you joked causing Spencer to laugh as a silence settled over the two of you for a moment.

“I’ll get help,”

“I know you will bub,” you threaded your fingers through Spencer's hair, “and i’ll be there every step of the way, always,” you pulled Spencer close, “is it still in your bag?” he nodded hesitantly. You got up slowly and pulled Spencer along with you as you dug in his bag, your fingers finally coming in contact with a glass bottle, you pulled it out as Spencer’s sharp intake of breath came from behind you.

“There's...here let me,” Spencer lent down to grab the bag, placing it on the nearest surface as he dug through it for a moment before pulling out another small glass bottle as his other hand went in. Spencer handed you the bottle as he pulled out two capped needles and shoved them into your hands as well, he didn't look at the needles or bottles and instead turned around, “I don't want them anymore, I really don't,” you nodded.

“We’ll dispose of these properly,” you said with a smile, Spencer couldn't see it but with your retreating footsteps Spencer finally turned around to see you placing the items into a small plastic bag, “tomorrow,” Spencer nodded as the two of you retreated to the bedroom.

“I um,” Spencer spoke as he started getting dressed for bed, you doing the same, “i just wanted you to know; the other night, when we had…”

“Sex,” you finished for Spencer with a slight laugh, he nodded.

“You fell asleep and...i….”

“I know,” you said softly, your fingers held Spencer's waist softly over the cotton shirt he wore as he stared at you.

“You-?”

“It's okay,” your fingers felt like heaven against Spencer's waist as your thumbs rubbed the spots they sat at, he nodded in understanding. You pressed your lips against Spencers in a soft, reassuring and loving kiss, one that you both needed before climbing into bed and cuddling as close as you could possibly get.

French Road, East taglist: @thelovelyrose || @colorfulsunflowerx || @thatsonezesty13 || @loki-an-idiot || @parkeroffline || @briannareneea985 || @lovebodymindstuff || @dilaudidwinchester || @awkwardnesshabitat

[jonginoodles]

BTS REACTION - you prank them

 hiiii. listen up madam i really had lost the password for this account and the password for this account’s email and also didn’t remember the phone i put to recover the email’s passwordkkkkkkkkshit but it’s all okay. happy new year anyways! and thanks for everythingg

you had lost a game and your friends bet you to prank your boyfriend “cheating” on him

Jin:

You started to sweat when heard the front door open. You could see, sitting on the sofa, Jin enter completely in the living room. As soon as he sees you, he brightly smiles. You already feel guilty for doing such thing to him.

- Hey. - he comes to you and gives you a peak. You started acting, slightly moving away. Your boyfriend frown and sit in front of you. - Is there something wrong, love? If it is because i’m late, the reason is that these six kids gave me so much headache that i-

- No. It ain’t it. - you cut him. - I think i can’t do it anymore.

- What?  Do what?

- That “us” thing. - you try not to laugh as Jin’s plump lips turn in a perfect “O”. - We aren’t like before, i think we should live our lives alone from now...

- But what happened? Tell me what’s wrong... - his concerned voice and his touch to your cheek almost makes you tell him the truth.

- It’s just that... It ain’t working anymore. You know that. Anyways, i’m already seeing someone-

- Wait, wait, wait. - he cuts you, all his concern was gone. He brutally gets up. - Are you cheating on me?

- Come on, Jin, you already knew this relationship was doomed.

- Shut up! - he shouts in a way you never heard before. - Shut up and leave, i never want to look in your face again.

When he turns to walk off, you jump and backhugs him, yelling it’s a prank and you are so sorry and that you love him so much.

- You bastard, i’m really mad at you! Are you out of your mind?! - he keeps fighting you until you convice him to calm down with your love and he is already smiling and joking that he taught you well to act.

Yoongi: 

You were waiting for Yoongi to finish taking a shower sitting on the bed and talking to one of your friends that was helping you out on the phone. As you hear the door opening, you block your phone and smile to the figure in your front.

- I am so tired, i want to sleep forever. - your boyfriend grumble walking slowly to the bed. You pout.

- I can give you a massage, baby. - you propose, smiling. He returned your smile, nodding happy. - But first i have to use the bathroom, one minute and don’t sleep!

He nods, laying down on bed and watching the TV. You quickly send your friend the command and delete all the messages before then leave it intentionally on his side and goes to bathroom. From there, you could hear your phone vibrate many times. You went out after some minutes to a more than usually blank Yoongi. He couldn’t take his eyes away from the phone.

- What are you d-

- I am the one who should ask anything. - he says, couldly. - please, explain.

He shows you your phone with the messages. You almost laughed. What the fuck... “hey kitty, can i come over?” “answer me, i miss you” “is your boyfriend with you? you should kick that loser’s ass”

- Please tell the loser here. - he said with a sarcastic tone. You decided to stay quiet. - Do not do this to me. At least say a fucking thing! Tell me it is not what it looks!

- I am so sorry, Yoongi, it was a mistake...

- No. A mistake was when i gave my heart all to you. - he hid his face on his hands and kept like this. You laugh making him look at you with anger.

- It is a prank, baby, please! - you hug him. - It was my friend who sent that messages.

- You bitch. - he shout but hugs you back, relieved that it was not truth. - Give me my massage, i’m thousand times more tense now!

Hoseok

Your boyfriend had a long ass schedule and you almost aren’t seeing eachother. So you decided to visit him at the practice without him knowing. You planned everything, even convinced Tae to be your “forbidden love”. 

At that day, Taehyung pretended to receive a call and say he would leave a little earlier but he went to a dressing room with you and you two waited for the other members to create a reason for him to come. After some minutes in a position that seemed like you two are kissing, the door opened.

- Are you sure my jacket is here? I don’t remembe- your boyfriend froze as he saw you two. You push Taehyung away like you were actually making out and put your hand in your mouth. You know that pout Hobi does when he’s confused? That’s exactly what he did when said: - W-what are you doing here? Why are you alone?

- Hyung... - Taehyung try to touch your boyfriend’s arm, but he brutally moves away. 

- I can not believe. You two really cheated on me... Taehyung, you ruined our friendship and BTS... (Y/N), you ruined my heart. - he walks to the door but before he leaves the other members jump in the room screaming “SURPRISE!” making Hoseok screams.

- It was a prank, my love. - you hug him and kiss his cheeks. Taehyung joins the hug.

- WHAT? - he runs his eyes over the members, then you and Tae. After realising, he puts his hand on his chest and close his eyes. - You really got me, i hate you.

Namjoon:

You were coming back from work and already feeling anxious. You wipe your hands in the jeans, thinking what would be your boyfriend’s reaction to the bouquet of roses you bought. You also wrote “thank you for the amazing night yesterday, i will call you soon xoxo” in a card and put in the middle of the flowers. Namjoon always trusted you a lot, you never had a real fight over jealous or something. But this is a whole different level.

As soon as you enter, you can see Namjoon sitting on the couch with a tense expression. He looks away from the little card he is holding and stares at you.

- Wow! You bought me these? - you catch the flowers on the table with an smile.

- No, i don’t remember spending an “amazing night” with you yesterday. Actually, i was at Yoongi’s house. - he accuses showing you the card.

- Baby, it’s not-

- (Y/N), sit here.

You do as he says and sit in front of him.

- We have a mature relationship, we are adults and so should be our attitudes. - he speaks in a calm voice, somehow different from what you expected. - If it wasn’t enough, you could tell me. I love you but i can not stand you lying to me and being any one else’s but mine. So... I think it is better for us to break up.

You stand there shocked with how your boyfriend hold it. Your eyes begins to tear up, the feeling that it made you love him even more. He notices and touch your cheeks.

- Stop. It’s done and it’s okay... 

- It’s a prank! - you said in tears.

- What? Repeat it. 

- It’s a prank, Joon... I bought the flowers... - you hug him like a baby. He hugs you back even more hard.

- Oh, thank god... - he makes you laugh wiping your tears away. - I was so upset inside but i love you so much that i can not mistreat you.

Jimin:

In the same day your friends came up with the idea of you pranking Jimin with a fake hickey. You wasn’t sure if you wanted to do such prank to your sensitive baby, but they insisted. As you agreed, they started to help you with some purple lipstick. When finished, it was so real that you almost doubted yourself.

And there are you already in your house feelings nervous. Jimin was in the kitchen making some popcorn and you were in charge to pick some movies. After a while, he comes back smiling to you.

You play the movie and start to watch it. At some point, you take courage to make a bun and let your neck breath with that lipstick mark. As it was dark, you had to play some effort for him to spot it. When you looked at him and noticed he wasn’t even paying attention at the TV anymore, you knew he saw it. He was staring at your neck frowning, probably questioning himself if he was seeing correctly.

He stands up and turns on the light turning back to you.

- (Y/N), whats is it? - he points to the mark and you touch it.

- Oh, that mark? I just it hit in the... hã... t-the door.

- The door? - he looks at you disappointed and turn his back to you walking away. - I am not in the mood for movies anymore.

You run after him and holds his arm. He agressively takes it back.

- Don’t worry about me. 

- Min! - you hold him again and this time he turns to you.

- I said to not worry about me! - he shouts.

 You froze as you noticed the amount of tears rolling down his face. Your heart ache and your eyes get wet too. Not taking it anymore, you hug him and reveal it’s a prank apologizing 1000x times. He takes a little time to understand and forgive you but he loves you too much and the all night cuddles pay off.

Taehyung:

You were waiting for your boyfriend to leave the dance practice inside the car. He had texted your minutes ago saying he would leave in a minute. You take a deep breathe, getting prepared. Do not laugh, (Y/N), do not laugh...

Finally you see the face you love to kiss and sit in it (oops) coming. You quickly put the male underwear into the glove compartment. He enters after a while.

- So my babygirl is going to drive me home today... - he teases you and you roll your eyes kissing him.

- Yes. So fasten your seat belt and... can you take the sunglasses in the glove compartment for me, baby? 

He nods and opens it. Taehyung searches for what you asked with his long fingers until the underwear fall to his foot. When he takes it, the frown is evident in his forehead. When the boy realises what that is, he screams and drops it in a funny way. You had to calm down to not laugh.

- WHAT THE FUCK, (Y/N)? - he shouts with disgust. - I just touched a man underwear! Why is it here?!

- I don’t know, Tae.

- (Y/N), what is it? - he points the underwear laying down in the steering wheel.

- An underwear. - he laughs with sarcasm.

- I know, but why the fuck is it in your car? Are you cheating on me? - he exclaims and you low your head. - I can not believe while i was giving you all of me you were fucking with some other man. I’m done.

When he opens the door to leave, you scream “IT’S A PRANK BABY WAIT!”. Taehyung swears at you a lot after it, but he eventually forgives you and the goofy baby is back again.

Jungkook:

Your friends had the idea to spray some men cologne in your clothes. You were not sure if it would work because it is only a smell, but it could do as Jungkook is a little meticulous so you gave it a chance.

You decided to visit him at BigHit as he probably would come back home late and the cologne would not last. As you enter shyly in the room, BTS’ song is playing out loud. Namjoon sees you first and call Jungkook.

When he spots you, his smile brighten and he comes exactly like you expected holding you tight. You keep like this for a while, and then he stops, staring you still holding your waist.

- Where have you been? - he says in a low voice like it is a secret.

- With my friends, i told you-

- You never come home with this smell...

- What? Jeon, are you serious? - you play your offended character. He shakes his head and leaves the room without saying anything. You go after him. - Jungkook, stop being a child!

- Do not call me that! - he turns to you, anger in his eyes. - Do not offend me when you are the one smelling like other men! Where have you been?

- Does not matters! - you shouted. When you look at his eyes, you could see that they were wet. 

- Fine. - he tries to leave angrily again, but you jump on his back kissing his neck many times. - Stop!

- Kook, it’s a prank! It was on purpose! - you slap his head because he actually believed you cheated on him. He keeps stubborn upset with you for like 5 minutes and then is hugging you grateful that you are still his.

[a-dd-i-c-t-ed]

let go

hey again it’s me. i am addicted to xmen at the moment so i wrote somethin with Warren. probably a lot of grammar mistake (not my first language and almost 2am here in the morning) and just a trash but i’m just learning doin for myself im sorry. warnings: agnst, death, violance so here it is.

It was cold. I didn’t feel anything. I blinked weakly and thought about what actually happened.

~

I was sitting on Professor Xavier class taking notes about what he was talk about and thinking. I missed him. I missed him bad to be honest. When we were children we lived in the forest alone. We were only together kinda connected. Always felt what happened when we were apart.

But they took him away. 2 years ago happened. We slept together when they came. Took him and never heard from him since that time.

Charles Xavier school was good. They were kind and I met with a lot of person like me. I had everything but him. That was my problem.

It was an easy day like usually. Classes and after I went to garden. I never really found any friend here. They tried but I just couldn’t let anyone in.

I had my powers to lock out Charles and Jean from my head. They couldn’t see my thoughts. I had my power to fly and lasers in my hands.

I was with Jean and Scott most of the time. They talked all the time lookin at me like a friend even if I was introvelt to talk too much. 

~

My mind took small movies about us.

“Warren please stop” laughed loudly. He just didn’t stop tickiling me. “I’m about to use my powers on you”

“Oh darling are you threating me right now?” He give me small kisses on my neck made me moans quietly. “ I should punish you more then I guess...” whisperd to my ears. I got goosebumps my heart beats faster. Looked right into his eyes.

“Maybe I want you to punish me more” bite my lips playfully.

“I will darling I will” Warren kissed me passionately his wings went wide open fly up with me. My legs went around his hips kissed him like all the time. Like never before. Always.

Smiled a bit. Changed a lot after that. I didn’t really talk anyone. Maybe because I felt save with him and give me more powers to not scared from ‘normal’ people. He was always strong. When his father took him out when someone tried to kill him he never got scared. He stand up and fight until his last breath or knock them out.

But on that night he was scared.

“Yn wake up!” My eyes went wide open I had heavy breath

“What happend?!”

“They find us” I heard someone kick the door open and shouting. My body shaked and I didn’t know what to do. I freezed.

“Come on Yn we need to escape!”  He grabbed my hand and tried to fly away but then someone shot.

“You can’t escape you freaks!” It was a man who spoke Warren was bleeding.

“No you can’t hurt him!” Lasers through my hands went wild I screamed and attacted them then take Warren outside.

“Is it hurt? It is that bad? Are you okay? Please say something!” My voice was shaking tears falled down on my face.

“I’m okay Darling” he wishperd with a small smile.

“No! Don’t lie to me! We need to get away from here please!” I cried out with my panic attack. No this is can’t happening! Then I heard other voices from everywhere.

“Come on please we need to fly! I help you!”

“You can’t take me with you..”

“SHUT THE HELL UP WARREN WE ARE GOING TO ESCAPE” shouted my angst was stringer than me.

“I hold them up and you can go Yn” he stood up “we don’t have much time Yn”

“No” shaked my head more tears came.

“It’s okay... Just remember I love you. Everything is gonna be alright.”

“No.. please.”

“I love you. I need you to be safe” he had a weak smile. “It’s okay” no it wasn’t.

“They are here!” Again them the hunters.

“Go Yn!” He didn’t give me a chance to say something he flew up in the sky “here I am bastards catch me if you can!” He shouted and went the oppositoned way then me.

The guns shooting was loud I flew up after him.

“Yn go away!” He looked back deep in his eyes I could see that fear. Even he didn’t showed me.

“But Warren..”

“Go! Now!” Bite my bittom lips to not cry to loud and flew all my powers needed to be fast.

Then I heard they shoot him down.

“Go Yn it’s okay!” Heard him. Last time.

I was flying for hours. Cried with closed eyes.

I was so tired. I felt pain all over my body. The windo cut me I was bleeding. My eyes opened but I couldn’t see.

Then everything was black.

~~~

I felt my body shaking in fearness and sweatness. I was awake but I couldn’t open my eyes.

“Yn I’m here! Let me in whats happening?” Charles voice was like a miles away from me. I wanted to speak but I couldn’t. “Open you mind! I won’t hurt you I promise!” I felt my tears but I tried. I felt him in my head.

It was Warren. He was alive. He was different.

“I... need... to... save... him” whisperd haevy it was hard. I couldn’t came out of this dream.

“Yn I need you to wake up first.”

“Trying..”

“Breath...” I did. “Breath slowly do it for him.”

“I can’t” i felt weak and cried. I could speak but I couldn’t open my eyes. I just saw him and he was different like he didn’t even remember me.

“I need you to focus on yourself first! We will go there! He will remember you! Just need you to open your eyes Yn!” Charles voice closer then before. I felt my hands went out of my control lasers came out. “YN OPEN YOU EYES YOU ARE GOING TO KILL SOMEONE!”

“GET OUT OF MY HEAD!” I screamed sitting up with opened eyes jump out of the bad. “ I need to save him!” Grabbing my clothes madly.

“We will just calm down please!” Everyone was awake watching me at the door but I didn’t care.

“I NEED TO SAVE HIM CHARLES I CAN’T JUST CALM DOWN” shouted in agressive mood.

“Everyone get out of my room!” Looked the others they ran away without a word.

“I go with you.” Jean stayed.

“Me too.” Scott too.

“Okay Hank and me as well.” Charles looked at me.

It was a horrible place. Bed people shouted taked many for the winner.

They had guns.

With Jeans power they couldn’t see us. We stand in front of the cage.

One man was on the floor in blood I couldn’t see who did this to him.

But then I saw the wings.

“Warren..” whisperd in shock. “I need to get in” they tried to stop me but couldn’t someone already grabbed my hand but I attacked him with my power.

“It’s a freaks! That little kid drop her to the cage!” There was too many person to fight they hit me in the face and dropped in.

“Warren..” I stood up looked up at him cleaned my face from blood.

“Who the fuck is Warren!?” He was agressive. He had a lot of gash from fights.

But didn’t let me finish he attacked me. I flew up to block it. He tried but I didn’t fight back.

“Fight or they kill us!” Shouted at me but I couldn’t.

“They won’t hurt anyone I’m here.” Heard Charles voice in my head.

“Warren please! It’s me Yn” tried again. The people around us went outside without a word. He didn’t understand.

“Angel darling. Don’t make me angrier!” He flew and grabbed my arms stronger. He’s green eyes had no emotions.

“Warren remember the treehouse! Us! Your dad and everyone!” Whisperd silently.

“I don’t know what you think I am but I’m just going to kill you” shouted. Scott tried to open the cage in this time but he couldn’t even Jean. Charles was taking care the other people and Hank was looking after Charles if anything would happened there.

I was alone with him.

“Warren Worthington. Your father kicked you out when he found about wings. We meet in the woods first”

“Shut up!” He was grabbing my neck strong I couldn’t breath but I didn’t mind.

“We made out house there. Away from everyone.”

“You lying!” He punch me in the stomach with all his power. I fell down on the floor. Then hit me on the face. Everywhere he could. “ Stop speaking you piece of shit!” I wasn’t able to use any of my power. It hurt. He hitted my chest I felt my bones broke but nothing came out of me just blood.

“I CAN’T OPEN THE CAGE HE’S GOING TO KILL YN!” I heard Scott and Jean but I was see is him.

I put my arm on his face. He breaked it i screamed in pain.

“It hurt Warren please stop” cried out again. I felt like a baby who couldn’t do anything but crying.

“Still Angel.” He didn’t show any emotions.

“It’s okay. Just remember I love you. Everything is gonna be alright.” Sighed weakly wishper but I felt something sharp in my body.

“YN NO” I heard voices all around me but I didn’t feel any pain anymore.

“YN..” winked at Warren.

“Warren hey..” whisperd.

“Oh no.. what did I do?!” Winked more it was hard I felt sleepy.

“It doesn’t hurt. It’s okay. You are here. Agan. With me.” I smiled lazy. He put me on his lap.

“No.. help! PLEASE” he shouted but they couldn’t help. My bleed was all over me Jean cried Scott tried his best to not cried.

“It’s okay Warren. I’m going to be fine. I need to rest and sleep.” Whisperd eith closed eyes.

“No YN how could i dod this to you?! No please...”

“At least do you remember now?”

“Everything. Some mutant used his power to my memorie to not fight back. I just can’t.. I can’t lose you again YN.. I’m so sorry I didn’t know what I am doing please forgive me”

“It’s okay.” I put my hands on his face. Coughed blood but still didn’t feel anything. “I got you back in the end. Thats what matter.

“Hang on YN we got you!” Heard Charles nervous voice.

“It’s okay Professor Xavier. I am fine.” Murmured silently.

“YN no. I love you.. I need you.. I want to live rest of my life with you with kids and everything you can’t sleep!”

“Warren Worthington promise me one god damn thing. You never give up. No matter what no matter how hard just don’t. You are the love of my life” I felt pain suddenly tears fall down on my cheeks I was scared so scared. But once in my life I didn’t show anything of it. “You always will be the one but not in this life.” As I saw some light I was smiling. Around he’s face I saw my family waving to me. “I’m going to my family. They are waiting. I can see mommy and daddy.

“YN.. don’t leave I need you.”

“Just promise me you don’t let then control you. Don’t let the sadness in. Remember where we were before they came. We were happy. All thise beatiful memories like when we talking watching the stars and sleep and fly. Laughing on everything. Remember that not this moment. You didn’t hurt me at all in the end. You save me. And I am going to be thankful for this and all. Charles won’t hurt you. No one will.” Smiled. He cried kissed my forehead hugged me more closer to himself.

Then I saw just light. I was able to stand up and walk in it without looking back. I missed my family. Everyone.

But one look went back to him before it was all black.

[nickireadstfc]

The King’s Men, Chapter 8 – Baby, Now We Got Bad Blood

In which Neil’s birthday surprise bloody sucks, I have opinions about the Terrapins’ naming choices, Matt is too good for this world, and the Twinyard’s first attempt at Actual Human Interaction doesn’t quite go as planned.

Sounds good? Then it’s time for Nicki to read The King’s Men.

(This is a longass chapter and lots of shit happens, so this is a longass update. I’m sorry in advance.)

             Neil flipped his phone open to stare at the date. It was Friday, January 19th. “Neil Josten” was supposed to turn twenty on March 31st. Today Nathaniel Wesninski turned nineteen years old.

OH SHIT IT’S HIS BDAY!!! HAPPY BIRBDAY MY BOY!!!!!

And we almost made it in time as well! 12 days late, but still – happy late birthday, my dude.

Actual footage of my baking disaster ass making a cake for our birthday boy.

Sadly though, Neil doesn’t care much for his birthday, and because he tragically keeps his mouth shut about it for most of the chapter, neither can anyone else.

I love birthdays. How dare you deprive me of some good good festivity. This is a gosh darn shame, Josten.

             Neil knew he went to his classes, but he didn’t learn anything. He wrote down what his teachers said but didn’t absorb a single word.

In other news, when will Neil in uni stop being such a goddamn #MOOD.

Exam season is hitting me hard right now folks, and while I’m tryinfg to play catch-up on my notes this just feels like an unnecessary callout post to my lazy past self.

In other other news – it’s time for Orange Sportsball again!

Our Foxes are playing a home game against Belmonte which, if you’ll all kindly remember, resulted in The Most Epic Move Andrew Has Ever Pulled, Ever last time we played them.

So, you know, no pressure.

Before Neil can pop a boner about being on an actual game court again though, he has a little birthday surprise waiting for him, and it’s, well, how do I put this –

A bloody hell of a situation.

             It exploded in his locker, triggered by the door opening, and Neil recoiled as it cascaded over everything insde. (…) The bag looked big enough to hold at least two gallons; it was more than big enough to destroy every single piece of gear Neil owned.

WHAT THE FUCK.

For all y’all non-American folks, two gallons are about 7.5 litres. SEVEN POINT FIVE LITRES.

For further reference, that’s about as much as would fit in this bucket.

Yeah.

THAT’S A FUCKLOAD OF BLOOD.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.

             Neil wrenched the broken bag off the hook. When he turned to throw it Andrew caught his wrist. Neil hadn’t even heard Andrew cross the room toward him. (…)

             “It’s ruined,” Neil said, voice ragged with an awful rage. “It’s all ruined.”

Yup – his entire gear, complete with helmet and shoes, now looks like it played a supporting role in the Red Wedding, and really took on some method-acting for it.

But we’re not done here, oh hot diggity shit no.

             Matt’s startled voice echoed off the bathroom walls. “What the hell?” (…)

             Written in blood across the tile was a bold message: “Happy 19th Birthday, Jr.”

OH SHIT.

OH SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.

DAD’S HOME, FOLKS.

I am decidedly NOT FUCKING LIKING THIS.

I don’t even want to think about what this means.

If this is the Raven’s doing (which was what I thought about the blood), then that means they’re more in touch with Daddy Wesninski than we thought, which is super bad.

If this is Daddy Wesninski’s own doing, then he’s way more in touch with Getting Revenge On Neil than we thought, which is super super bad.

Either way –

(I also immediately regret calling Wesninski Senior ‘Daddy’. Please remind me to bleach my eyes at the next convenient time.)

             He grabbed the fledgling sense of panic and buried it deep, the same way he’d smothered his broken heart long enough to burn his mother’s body. He would have to react to this later, but if he did it now with all of the Foxes as his witnesses he was going to lose everything.

And bury it he does – Neil, that badass motherf*cker, just buries oh, y’know, the realization that his childhood abuser and indirect killer of his mother is figuratively right behind him,  somewhere in his brain and moves the fuck on.

What a dude.

             “Can you play?” Kevin asked.

             “I’m pissed off, not injured,” Neil snapped. “I’m not going to let this keep us from winning tonight. Are you?

GO GET EM, MY BOY.

WHAT A DUDE.

             “I will give you one chance tonight,” Wymack said. “If I think your head isn’t in the game, I will pull you so fast you’ll get whiplash.”

HSM basketball gifs will never not be appropriate for this team.

In the cleanup process of the Bloody Hell of a Situation, Matt steps out to grab some underwear for a half-naked Neil, and when he comes back he takes the opportunity to remind us all again what a genuinely great character he is – lest we forget.

             Neil opened the door just far enough to realize it was Matt in the hallway and was startled into saying, “You knocked?” (…)

             It wasn’t the first time the Foxes had gone out of their way to accommodate Neil#s privacy issues, but they usually had time to think it through. Matt was late for warm-ups because of Neil and shaken by Riko’s awful trick. Despite that he’d remembered not to barge in.

Matt, you sweet considerate spikey black Billie Joe Armstrong, LET ME LOVE YOU.

And now that Neil is all suited and booted (and had his anger horn tooted), let’s fucking go.

             The ghost of [the blood incident] egged him to go harder and faster. Kevin didn’t warn him to scale back, and they crashed into their backliner with an unusual aggression.

To the Foxes, what the fuck is unusual aggression?? Instantly fucking murdering a dude right there on the field?

“Unusual Agression” is pretty much those guys’ team motto, folks.

Unsurprisingly, our Foxy Sportsball Squad totally rules the following game, no biggie.

Nothing like a bit of blood, childhood trauma and accidental nudity to get fired up before a big game.

             Two minutes later, the Foxes got the chance they needed. A Terrapin striker got around Matt and raced at the goal. (…) Andrew was outside of his box in a heartbeat, and he body-checked the striker hard enough to floor him.

GET REKT.

Also, to remind y’all non-Native English speakers (like me) what a Terrapin is, it’s these cute lil fellas.

Not exactly a threatening opponent.

Not so much a fast one either. Who the fuck thought that naming choice was a good idea, like “yeah, sure, let’s call our skilled Sportsball team after fucking turtles”.

The Team of Poor Naming Choices gets what they deserve, in any case – the Foxes run right over them and celebrate an epic 8-5 victory.

             Wymack and Abby were waiting for them, Wymack with a toothy grin and Abby all smiles.

I love me some supportive Fox Parents.

However, the party is pretty much over instantly as the Foxes are back on their infighting bullshit.

             Allison (…) kept her eyes on Neil. “I’ve hit the limit of what bullshit I’ll tolerate this week, let alone this year. I need to know how much worse this pissing contest between you and Riko is going to get.”

Can we have literally….. 5 seconds of happy celebratory peace up in this bitch, thank you.

At least Wymack feels me.

             “I’m instigating a new rule where everyone is required to be happy after a win. You downers are going to suck the life out of me before my time.”

Thank you, my man.

Allison is kind of right, though – they do need to really fucking talk about this.

             “First off: the massacred elephant in the room. Massacred birds, rather. I called in a favour with the faculty and got Abby access to the microscopes in the science labs.”

Oh, that is morbid.

If that Bloody Hell of a Situation was the Ravens’ doing, then that is the most macabre symbolism I’ve seen in a while.

If it was Wesninski Sr’s – then I don’t want to think about the symbolism, quite frankly.

Which reminds me of an interesting point: Everyone is automatically assuming Riko did this. This makes sense considering almost no one knows of the existence of Neil’s dad, but Neil does not only seem to be playing along, but he seems to have the same opinion. The writing on the wall clearly said “Junior” – why isn’t he considering the fact that it could have just as well been his dad?

Obviously, don’t get me wrong here, knowing their power situation Riko/Tetsuji are still behind all of it and would know of what Neil’s dad is doing to Neil. But to me, this doesn’t sound like Riko’s style. Gallons of blood set up like a crude school prank and words written in blood – this sounds much more like a man who calls himself The Butcher than a rich sleek featherfucker.

Unsurprisingly, Neil isn’t exactly a fan of presenting his entire life story to his team. However, a certain someone who is still massively Salty™ at Neil for ratting him out to his girlfriend intervenes.

             “They’ll never find proof that Riko was involved in this,” Aaron said, “but they might find you, right? (…) Your looks, your languages, your lies – you’re running from something or someone.”

Ohhhhhhhhhh shit.

This is CALLOUT CULTURE.

While the team is busy collecting their jaws from the floor, Neil makes a weak attempt at sassing his way out of this situation.

             Keeping his voice calm took every ounce of energy he had left. “You know, I expected low blows and backstabbing from the Ravens. I thought Foxes were better than that.”

Don’t generalize, my dude.

Dan, Matt and Renee would never.

Neil then does worm his way out of this situation, though – by making a Bad Callout Situation a Worse Callout Situation, Like So Much Worse, Oh God.

             “I’m still waiting for a thank you,” Neil said. “From both of you, to each other. You’re even now, aren’t you? So why can’t you just wipe the slate clean and start over? (…) You don’t want me to be right, because if I am it’s your fault she’s dead.”

             Andrew finally joined the argument. “No. It’s always going to be her fault.”

Oh no, honey, please don–

             “I told her what would happen if she raised her hand again. She had no right to look so surprised.”

DID YOU JUST.

             Wymack pinched the bridge of his nose and exhaled noisily. “Could you at least let us leave the room before you confess?”

Same, my dude.

Also hah, nose puns.

             It took Aaron a minute to find his voice again. He still sounded angry, but there was a muted edge to his, “You wouldn’t even look at me. You wouldn’t say a word to me unless I said something first. I’m not psychic. How was I supposed to know?”

             “Because I made you a promise,” Andrew said. “I did not forget it just because you chose not to believe me. I did what I said I would do, and fuck you for expecting anything else.”

And this paragraph right there, this is so, so important because it just sums up both their worldviews perfectly.

Aaron is still the more “normal” one of the twins – hard and bitter, but eventually the more grounded, the more realistic brother. But he also never really got to know Andrew, the real Andrew – whether out of fear of him or out of Andrew’s refusal. Andrew didn’t talk to him, and Aaron never learnt who exactly he was dealing with, so how was he supposed to know?

Andrew, on the other hand, makes promises and sticks to them, absolutely no matter what. He doesn’t care about the means to achieve his goals, he is colder and more ruthless than Aaron – or any sane person – ever could be. And in his world, this all makes sense – legit murder isn’t out of proportion, nothing can be, when it comes to keeping those he cares for safe (lizziedunbar99 made an excellent point on this the other day). When he protects someone, he protects them, all or nothing, and fuck anyone for expecting anyone else.

Yes, hello, I love these idiots.

             There it was again: a hint of that infinite anger at Andrew’s core. (…) He put his hand up between [the twins]. A heartbeat later Andrew’s expression went dead. Neil regretted his intervention immediately. No one could let go of that much rage that easily; Andrew had simply buried it where it could hurt only him.

And the moment that anger finally, healthily (!) breaks free will be the happiest day in this goddamn series.

Or, y’know, everything will go up in flames, but them’s the risks when you’re dealing with our favourite Murder Maniac.

In other news – in case you forgot (which I did), the other Foxes are still present, and they do kind of want answers at this point.

             “Is [your past] going to be a problem?” Dan asked.

             “No,” Neil said.

             Allison arched a brow at him (…) “Are you sure about that?”

I want Allison to please barge into conversations like this always, her head appearing over the scene John Cena-style.

This meme is long dead, but watch me give no shits.

             “Riko knows who I am because our families operate in similar circles, but he is a Moriyama in name only. He doesn’t have the resources to do more than threaten me.”

             “Damn, Neil,” Matt said. “Your parents must be something else if even Riko’s got to follow the rules.”

Oh hon, oh my sweet summer child, you have no idea.

And with that, the conversation is blissfully over, and we have only two tiny things to get to before this monster of a chapter is finally done.

First, Neil gets a text message:

             He didn’t recognize the number or the area code. He understood the message even less: “49”. Neil gave it a minute, but nothing else was forthcoming. He deleted the text and put his phone away.

Ah well, I’m sure this ominous and vaguely threating thing was merely a wrong number and is totally not going to come back to haunt our asses a few chapters from now.

And second, the Normal People Squad still has some opinions on the Murder Situation:

             “Just like that,” Matt said dubiously. “You’ve always known what he’s capable of, but you said he’s never given you a real reason to be afraid of him. What the hell are your parents into, if you can glide past murder like it’s no big deal and get in Riko’s face all the time?”

OH HON, OH MY SWEET SUMMER CHILD.

Also, me a few books ago.

Oh, how far we’ve come.

Unsurprisingly, yet to my great delight, Renee is not as shellshocked as Dan and Matt about Andrew’s confession, and offers some much-needed insight.

             “We cannot understand the situation entirely, Dan. We will never know Andrew’s frame of mind at the time or how bad life with her was for them. All we can do is make a choice: believe that he was protecting Aaron or condemn him for taking the most extreme path. I would rather go with the former.”

Mic drop, sweet smile, Renee out.

God, I love this girl.

If you like what I do here and you want me to continue writing fun things for you, why not buy me a coffee? Every lil bit helps, getting me through uni and all that jazz. Thanks so much!

[grimelords]

Hello and god bless, I have finally finished my November playlist a week and a half into december. Disco, Guns N’ Roses, an entire doom metal album and everything in between. Please enjoy.

​Extraball - Yuksek: Aside from the extremely nice electro bass I think what I appreciate most about this song is that the chorus seems like the sort of thing you could sing in a round, or as some kind of children’s clapping game.

Mirror Reaper - Bell Witch: Let me be the first to apologise for putting an 80 minute doom metal album as the second song on this playlist. I’m sorry. It was selfish and it won’t happen again. That said, please listen to this because it is transformative. I’ve listened this a lot this month and it’s really affected my mood I think. Doom metal is one of the only genres that takes itself seriously enough to release an album that’s just one 80 minute track but I really can’t fault them for doing it. This is a piece of music that demands to be listened to in full, and while it does naturally divide into movements like anything else this long would, it would be weaker overall if it were split into individual tracks or listened to individually. A lot of the playing on here, which is very sparse in long sections feels like ritual music of some kind - a feeling that’s compounded by the length when you’re absolutely lost within it. It makes electric bass and drums feel like modern ritual instruments and this album feels like an invocation of the spirit of loss itself.

Sixteen Tons - Merle Travis: For some reason I keep thinking about and listening to different versions of Sixteen Tons. This is Merle Travis, the orginal songwriter, but this is a new recording he did in 1989. Notably I love the very plaintive solo in the middle of this, but I especially love that he changed the lyric at the end to say “I owe my soul to Tennessee Ernie Ford” which feels like an agressive rebuke or a solemn nod but I can’t tell which.

Looking Up - Michael Smith: My girlfriend sent me this song because she heard it on the podcast Good Christian Fun which as I understand it is an exploration of the bizzare world of american evangelical christian media. Anyway this song rocks. It sounds like Todd Terje remixed the theme to some lost 80s sitcom and I really can’t get enough of it.

Wild - Beach House: This is such a beautiful song. I love the tinny drum machine and the live drums that sound programmed constrasting against the huge wall of guitar and synths. I used to listen to this album a lot a few years ago when I worked night shift and it reminds me of standing on top of wine tanks in the cool night air at 2am texting my now girlfriend as she went to bed. Sorry.

Piano Concerto No. 3 In D Minor, Op.30: 1. Allegro ma non tanto - Sergei Rachmaninoff: I had a friend in school who did his licentiate degree in piano in year 12 and was obsessed with this piece. One day he took me through the whole first movement and showed me how the theme is established and comes back in different forms over and over again throughout and basically taught me how to listen to classical music which was very kind of him because it’s something I’m only really appreciating now.

Verklärte Nacht, Op.4: String Sextett for 2 Violins, 2 Violas and 2 Cellos - Arnold Schoenberg: This is an early Schoenberg piece before he got into that good good atonal serialism, but it does still have moments that presage what was to come. I don’t really have much to say about this other than it’s a very good place to start with Schoenberg because it’s like proof that he was a human man at one point.

Day-O (The Banana Boat Song) - Harry Belafonte: I’ve really been thinking about how work songs like this and like Sixteen Tons become international hits. This one especially, in the 50s, was it because it was a really good song (which it is) that a lot of people related to or was it a sort of exoticism about funny banana song (which to be fair, it also is).

Boogie Wonderland (12" Version) - Earth, Wind And Fire: This is the song you hear playing from the other side of the door when you get to heaven.

Apollo’s Mood - The Olympians: This album is basically a collection of Daptone All-Stars under the name The Olympians just doing their thing and it’s really amazing. I especially love the harpsichord in this, an instrument that doesn’t get nearly enough of a workout in soul music. Also, I don’t really know how to describe it but I really love the way the snare roll that starts it off and comes back a few times sounds - buzzy and busy without rushing anyone.

Saturn - The Olympians: This is the song you use for your montage at the end of a James Bond movie that’s just four minutes of him relaxing and drinking different cocktails by himself that the critics called ‘wholly unneccesary’. In the drums and bongo break he does a little dance and falls over.

November Rain - Guns N’ Roses: As far as overblown classic rock epics go, I really wish November Rain had the cultural place of bad song Bohemian Rhapsody or Stairway To Heaven because underneath the 9 minutes of stings and bullshit it’s actually a very beautiful and sad song written by an idiot.

Sisters Of The Moon - Fleetwood Mac: With the current wytchy cult that Stevie Nicks has around her it’s easy to forget that she wrote songs like Sisters Of The Moon, a song explicitly about a witch converting other women to witchery. I love the big extended phrase of guitar chords in the chorus and I’m very mad about how this song fades out just as it’s absolutely going off.

When The Levee Breaks - Led Zeppelin: Rounding out this unexpected classic rock trio is When The Levee Breaks which I was thinking about because I was thinking about The Big Short. This song sounds so good and there’s been so much written about the famous drum sound and the production but what I only learned this month is that it was apparently recorded at a faster tempo and then slowed down afterwards, which explains a lot about a lot of the sounds in here.

Bad Liar - Selena Gomez: This is maybe the pop song of the year honestly. It’s so good in every single aspect, especially the when she says’ oh baby lets make reality, actuality, reality’ which is a very weird lyric. So is 'you’re taking up a fraction of my mind, every time I watch you serpentine(?)’. Great stuff all around.

Hello Miss Lonesome - Marlon Williams: I saw Marlon Williams a year or so ago and it was one of the best gigs I’ve been to because things just kept going wrong. Broken strings and misunderstandings and all that sort of thing, and the highlight for me was in this song the drummer got overconfident and started pushing the tempo near the end and eventually tripped over himself so badly they had to stop and start again.

The Voice Of Q - Q: Here’s how you can tell a song is good: you can only find it on Spotify on a compilation album called 'Cocaine Boogie: 24 Kilos Of Underground 80s Dance’. This song seems like a classic case of 'somebody bought a vocoder’ and it’s very very good, another fantastic entry in the canon of interplanetary disco. I also love the children sadly pleading with Q to come back at the end, because the song hasn’t really given you any understanding of who or what Q is other than a being with a voice who is from space.

Take A Trip - Rev. Utah Smith: If I were, hypothetically, to start, for example, a UFO cult, I would definitely have my congregation sing this song. I love it so much. Outside of the fun premise it does what good gospel music should do and completely uplifts my spirit by promising a better life after this one, and if I get to go there by rocket ship, well that’s all the better.

Normal Person - Arcade Fire: I love the little 'do you like rock and roll music? 'cause I don’t know if I do.’ he sings at the start because it sounds like they’re into their 13th hour of recording or something. I love the lead guitar that sounds like it’s severely undernourished but trying its best and I love how strangely heavy the bass and rhythm guitar is compared to a lot of their other songs. A good song to sing along to while you’re driving.

Top Of The World - Kimbra: I don’t know exactly how or why but Kimbra made a Kanye song. Playing the dual roles of Kanye and Featured Artist she does a great job and once again defies whatever I thought she was going to do next. I can’t wait for the album, I hope it has even more Raps.

Eric’s Trip - Sonic Youth: I’ve never gotten much into Sonic Youth because they seemed way too New York Cool for me, so imagine my heartbreak when I found out the lyrics to my favourite song of theirs are wholesale lifted from an Andy Warhol film. I still have a lot of love for 'my head’s on straight, my girlfriend’s beautiful, it looks pretty good to me’ though.

I Hope I Sleep Tonight - DJ Seinfeld: God I’d be embarrassed if I blew up on soundcloud with the name 'DJ Seinfeld’ and then had to keep it when I put my album out. This album varies pretty wildly in quality but I really love this track, the synth melody that just careens around wildly while the rest of the song happens nearby is what does it for me I think.

Problem With The Sun - Nicolas Jaar: “In an interview with Self-Titled Magazine, Jaar said “I was watching a documentary about bugs. It said that if they looked at the sun, they’d die. I thought ‘Oh, that’s funny; that’s cute’ and I wrote a track about it (…). If you find something really special in a tiny story about bugs, it could have a much bigger meaning than that. I like the idea of turning life into this miniature thing”.” He’s used this particular voice modulation on a couple of song and it really cracks me up because it so thick and textured and just plain silly but somehow it suits the song perfectly.

Long Strong Diamond - Baggsmen: This is a song I remember seeing on Rage late at night years and years ago. The guy was dressed up as a werewolf and kidnapping some girl but he gets so distracted by his song about being a werewolf that she ends up escaping. Extremely mad to find out that the guy in this song from years ago that I love is none other than personal enemy of mine Jake Stone from Bluejuice.

XO/The Host/Initiation - The Weeknd: Trilogy could well be the best album of the decade. Remember when The Weeknd was this mysterious anonymous guy who was firmly a character and not an actual guy who seems to actually believe what he’s singing? I love Trilogy because the progression across the three discs from like 'cool indifferent party guy’ in House Of Balloons to extremely deranged cult leader in Echoes Of Silence is very satisfying. Initiation especially is great because it’s like a cool fun song about a party mixed with some extremely dark shit about the clocks not working so you can’t tell the time and the blinds not working so you can’t see outside in a scary pitch shifting voice. “And all I wanna do is leave 'cause I’ve been zoning for a week and I ain’t left this little room, trying to concentrate to breathe” but you absolutely MUST meet my boys.

This Guy’s In Love With You - Herb Alpert & The Tijuana Brass: Anyway here’s a change of pace. A very peaceful song about just fucking dying if she won’t be your girl. I love how dramatic this song gets before completely stopping and starting again into a very relaxed trumpet line.

Jasmine (demo) - Jai Paul: I’m obsessed with the cult that develops around guys like Jai Paul and Jay Electronica, who put out two songs that are so good that it drives people insane when they don’t put out any more. There’s apparently a bunch of stuff happening with Jai Paul currently that I haven’t been keeping track of but The Fader had a really good article earlier this year about how the Jai Paul leaks and how insane it made everyone. Aside from all that, the song is pure magic - just listen to it and you can understand why everyone was obsessed as they were.

Freaking Out The Neighbourhood - Mac Demarco: I remember I saw an interview with Mac Demarco talking about this song and he described the riff as just some dumb little thing he made up which is shocking to me because I am totally obsessed with how good it sounds. It’s perfect!

Bob - “Weird Al” Yankovic: Yes baby it’s Weird Al’s all-palindrome Bob Dylan parody! I was telling my girfriend about how this is actually really good songwriting because even though it’s essentially gibberish it has enough good imagery and fun sounds that it works anyway and really how different is 'may a moody baby doom a yam’ to 'transient jet lagged ecto-mimed bison’ from the Mars Volta which also appears on this list? Anyway she hated it, and rightly so.

I Have Good News To Bring - Sister Rosetta Tharpe: Live from the basement church of my UFO cult, a beautiful version of Take A Trip that sounds like it was recorded on the organ of an empty baseball stadium at night.

Julia - Jungle: I have been desperately waiting for three years now for another Jungle album and they finally posted about new songs the other day and I got very very excited. This is an amazing song, every sound in it is so perfectly placed and the vocals are very beautiful and have such a rich bass for such a high tenor. I love the way the drums subtly get very busy in the last few choruses, I could listen to this song for hours.

Ray Gun (feat. DOOM) -BadBadNotGood & Ghostface Killah: I love that this song is maybe 20bmp faster than Ghostface or Doom are expecting. Doom especially sounds far more excited than he has in years and they both do really well with it. Also, I was certain the melody it breaks into in the last third was some Lalo Schifrin bit I’ve heard before but I can’t seem to find any info corroborating that. If it’s familiar to you or you know where it’s from, please reply to this post because it’s been driving me crazy.

Confessions Pt. III - BadBadNotGood & Colin Stetson: Any song where Colin Stetson has to play with others is funny to me. He’s such a self contained ball of power that him joining a traditional group like it just wouldn’t work. Sure, this song does sort of sound like him doing his own thing for seven minutes while the band sort of reacts to him but it is absolutely fantastic anyway.

Everyone Nose (All The Girls Standing In The Line For The Bathroom) - N.E.R.D: Remember when Pharrell was crazy? This song is total chaos. The pitched down sample in the hook, the two note bassline, the sax that just hoots once a bar. And I absolutely love the contrast of the beautiful bridge, especially the 'achooo’ backing vocals.

Parties - Shlohmo: Bad Vibes was such a moment. It is such a beautiful album, and a very easy album to fall asleep to and then wake up 20 minutes later terrified and choked by your headphones because Trapped In A Burning House, the song that sounds exactly like its title and nothing like the rest of the album, came on. I have such a strong emotional reaction I really can’t explain to the cutoff samples of people laughing near the end of this song.

Bering/Human Till Born -Talkdemonic: I have no idea how I came across this album but I’ve been listening to it constantly for ten years now and I still find new things to appreciate in it. The drums especially in Human Till Born are a source of obsession for me.

Don Caballero 3 - Don Caballero: For a long time I never 'got’ Don Caballero or Hella or any of these supposedly legendary math bands, despite loving so many bands obvously influenced by them. But then one day this album, and this song especially just clicked for me. It also happened to coincide with one of the most surreal weeks of my life when I was on a cruise ship and all I listened to was this and a field recording album that seems to have completely deleted itself from my computer since then. The best advice I’ve heard for listening to this is, and bands like it is that it’s backward. The drums are the lead instrument and everything else works around that, if that helps. This song has a twisted sort of morose quality that’s really hard to pin down. Some days it is absolutely heartbreaking, which sounds silly but it’s true.

B.Y.O.B. - System Of A Down: There’s a few reasons I was thinking of this song. First and most importantly it’s because of that dog vine but the other reason is I was thinking about how there hasn’t been a good anti-trump song yet outside of YG’s FDT, and that came out before the election. This and American Idiot came out in 2004/5, and I suppose it’s only been a year since the election so we’ve got a few years yet until the real hits come out I guess. Or I suppose he’d have to actually properly declare war, which, you know.

4D/MTI - Koreless: These songs are so intertwined in my head I feel like you can’t have one without this other. 4D is such a simple, beautiful piece of music. The synth that sounds like glass and the chopped vocals getting more and more contorted as the song goes on contrasted with the propulsion of the drums is so great. Both of these songs have a meticulousness and restraint to their sound, every single piece is perfectly where it should be and nothing else is allowed. Even MTI using so much white noise feels incredibly controlled and when it totally drops out it feels like coming up from underwater.

New Lands - Justice: Remember when Justice took 4 years to write a follow up to their album that lit the world on fire and instead of doing the same thing again they made a classic rock album? Everyone was so mad. Luckily this song is incredible and everyone was wrong once more.

You Discovered The Secret And Juiced It For All Its Majesty - Venetian Snares: This is from an EP called Cubist Reggae which I think a lot about in concept alone. This is probably the song that illustrates the idea worst but I love it a lot. My incredibly unpopular opinion is that Venetian Snares is miles better of Aphex Twin and whoever but everyone’s written him off as the Rossz Csillag guy so he doesn’t get no respect. I love how detailed his music is, how every one of the million sounds seems to be perfectly placed. I think he’s in a similar position to Autechre where he’s been making and listening to only his own music for so long now that he’s forgotten how normal music sounds, which is good.

Blues Run The Game - Jackson C. Frank: I made a playlist a couple of years ago of all the songs I sing to myself when I’m just walking around or whatever and it turned out about 6/10 had 'blues’ or 'hard times’ in the title, which is tough but it’s ok, and this was one of them. If you want to read a wiki article that’ll make you cry, read Jackson C. Frank’s, but mostly you should just listen to this, his only album.

Thermal Treasure - Polvo: I played this song for my girlfriend and during the intro she said 'you have such a wide variety of tense, off kilter music seeminly designed just to put people on edge’. I’m a huge fan of this very defensive sentence in Polvo’s wiki article 'Their sound was so unpredictable and angular that the band’s guitarists were often accused of failing to play with correctly tuned guitars’.

FML - Kanye West: This is such a strangely affecting song and it’s hard to be sympathetic to Kanye as a narrator sometimes (especially when he insists on doubling down on dogshit lines like “'I'mma have the last laugh indian cause I’m from the tribe called chekaho’”) but against all odds you can identify and relate to his struggle to hold onto the woman he loves and not be undone by his own worst instincts. Musically this is the best The Weeknd has ever sounded and I already love him a lot, and the way the drums lead into the sample at the end is just perfect.

Roulette Dares (The Haunt Of) - The Mars Volta: This is the album I’ve probably listened to the most in my life. As a teenager I would listen to this album every night for easily a year and somehow there’s still something new to hear in it. It’s almost hard to listen to it now because I have so much Teenage Feeling attached to it but it’s still an incredible piece of work. Jon Theodore deserves a statue for his drumming on this album, and this song especially, in my humble opinion.

Life’s A Beach! - Studio: God I love Studio. I think if you tried to describe them on paper you could never make it sound like good music. “It’s sort of, balearic , reggae, guitar-led dance music and the songs go for about 15 minutes most of the time.” But it is good music! I absolutely promise it’s incredible music!

The Number Song (Cut Chemist Remix) - DJ Shadow: I love this remix because it feels like theseus’ ship as demonstrated via remix. How many parts can you swap out for similar but not identical parts before it’s a completely different song. The drums are almost the same beat, but a totally different sample.The Jackson 5 horns in the original that signal the transition to the second half are still here with the same function, but it’s an entirely different horn sample, and an entirely different second half save for 'the party’s already started, and it’s about to end���. 

listen here

[autisticteru]

A Kick in the Teeth is Good for Some - CHAPTER 8

Summary: All Ritsu wants is to move on and be happy with his life. But something keeps growing inside him. From his stomach to his chest to his throat and out his eyes and mouth, until it fully surrounds him making it impossible to ignore. He can cut it down, but it will just grow back. He needs to destroy it, to pull it up from the roots. And he thinks he finally knows how. But there’s only one person who can help with that. Unfortunately, that person is Teruki Hanazawa.

Read on AO3 HERE

Read from the beginning HERE

Individual chapters:

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 | Chapter 8 | Chapter 9 | Chapter 10 | Chapter 11 | Chapter 12

Check out fanart for this chapter! (x) 

Chapter 8: Fool

What happens next?

It’s a question that begs answering. Ritsu Kageyama technically had everything he wanted. He had good grades. He was popular. His relationship with his brother was closer than ever. He even had the psychic powers he had long dreamed of. And to top it all off, he had a new best friend.

His name was Shou Suzuki. He was a thirteen year old esper, and a powerful one at that. Energetic, typically upbeat, and highly protective of the ones he loved, Shou was everything Ritsu could have ever asked for in a friend. So when he revealed that he would be attending Salt Middle School as a second year, Ritsu was beyond excited.

Well, he sucked at showing it, but it was the truth! Which was why Ritsu brought up studying sessions as soon as it was mentioned. Shou was certainly strong, but he lacked book smarts. Ritsu could only assume whatever educational system Claw had must have sucked. Not surprising. It started two weeks before the end of Ritsu's first year of middle school Ritsu had started going over to Shou’s mother's house, and they exchanged skills. Ritsu needed to help Shou catch up so he wouldn’t fail on his first day of classes. And Shou wanted to help Ritsu reach his full potential as an esper. And both of them wanted an excuse to spend more time together.

And it should have stayed that way. It should have stayed that way.

Ritsu was a fool.

“Ritsu, this is boring!” Shou whined.

“It’s really not.”

“How do you not find this boring? It’s math, Ritsu! The worst subject!”

“You just think it’s the worst subject because you refuse to understand it. You’re just panicking at the sight of numbers.”

“I’m not panicking! And I don’t understand it because it’s hard!”

“Here,” Ritsu cleared the desk and grabbed a new blank sheet of paper and wrote down the math problem from the text book on it. “Look at this problem. What do you see?”

“A bunch of nonsense numbers and letters.”

“Exactly. That’s what your version of ‘math’ looks like. So just pretend for a second that this isn’t math and start thinking of it as a puzzle.”

“A puzzle?”

“That’s what every math problem is. It’s about finding creative and quick solutions to a problem. And every puzzle has a set of rules and boundaries that you need to follow. Here, look.”

Ritsu started circling letters and numbers on the paper and stated each of their rules.

“So if we know what Y equals, we have to adjust X in order to match it. And the result is the coordinates you need to create the line. So if you know that, then can you draw the line using simple math?”

Ritsu handed Shou the pencil. Shou was hesitant at first, but he took the pencil and started writing. It took a while, but eventually Shou managed to draw a messy, yet accurate line across the grid Ritsu had mapped out for him.

“Is that...right?”

“Yes! You did it!”

“Ah! So it’s that simple?”

“No, it gets much harder.”

“Dammit!” Shou threw his head onto the table.

“Well everything gets more complicated. There are some times when equations like these become illogical. But even then, there are ways to solve them.”

“How can they get so complicated while following such a rigid set of rules?”

“Rules make things more complicated. If there were no rules, there wouldnt be any complications. You could just do whatever you want. You could say two plus two equals seven and you’d be right.”

Shou snickered and pushed his chair away as he got up.

“Okay!” he said. “I’m officially done with math!”

“You just graphed a straight line.”

“And I’m done! Let’s train now, Ritsu.”

“You really need to focus more, Suzuki. In school you can’t just get up and do whatever you want whenever you want.”

“I’m not in school yet, though!”

Ritsu sighed and stood up. He wasn’t in the mood to argue with a brick wall. Although his stubbornness had a certain charm to it. There was a sense of innocence to it.

Innocence.

What an odd word. What defines innocence, exactly?

...

Ritsu was a fool.

“Hey. Wake up.”

Those were the first words Ritsu heard when he regained his consciousness. Why was he unconscious in the first place? Ritsu tried to remember as he slowly opened his eyes and tried to get used to the light.

What day was it again? Thursday. Teru had been trying to show Ritsu different psychic techniques throughout the training. But the first day started off poorly.

“You almost pulled it off, so I know you have the ability.”

“That’s all I can do, though.”

“If you think that, then nothings going to change.”

Nothing ever changes.

It only got worse as the days went by.

“If you’re scared, you’ll never beat him! You’ll never improve!”

“This is all I can do!”

“Then that’s all you ever will do!”

Teru turned around and picked up the backpack. That was… yesterday? Maybe. Ritsu hadn’t been sleeping much, so all the days were blurring together.

But for some reason, Ritsu found himself unable to make the next big step in his improvement. It was as though something was tying him down every time he tried something new. It wrapped itself tightly around his heart, making Ritsu unable to move. Struggling only made it grow, and wrap itself tighter. It was suffocating. It was in his throat again.

No wonder Teru had been getting more and more pissed off. The first week was fine. Why was this week going so poorly?

“Maybe you should invite your brother over for the training as well. I’m sure he’d support you.”

Ritsu remembered those words that Teru had uttered on the bus that Monday morning. He remembered the way they pierced his chest like a sword. What was he feeling in that moment, exactly? Guilt? Well, guilt was certainly a part of it. But there was another feeling as well. Was it envy? Maybe. But that feeling was too familiar. If it were envy, Ritsu could recognize the emotion right away. But envy wasn’t far off from the truth. It was something close.

Jealousy.

That was the conclusion that he had come to. Jealousy had always been a bit different than envy, to Ritsu. Envy is internal. It focuses on what you don’t have, and it eats away at you. It compares you to others. Jealousy is external. It focuses on what others have, and it compares others to you. The difference between the two is so subtle, only one who has experience with both could truly understand.

And Ritsu knew envy like an old friend. And he knew that this wasn’t quite envy. But why jealousy? What was he jealous of? His brother’s power? No, that wasn’t it.

Was it Teru?

Ritsu rose up onto his feet so fast he nearly found himself blacking out again.

“Hey, don’t pass out again,” said Teru, although there was more annoyance in his voice than there was concern. As Ritsu’s vision cleared up, he found himself standing beside the bus stop bench by the forrest. Teru was sitting on the edge of the bench. The sun was low in the sky, though it wasn’t yet setting.

“Are we…?” Ritsu started while grabbing his head.

“Yeah. We’re done for today.”

“What happened?”

“It was my bad. I overestimated you, is all. Sorry.”

How passive-agressive. Though that was nothing new as of this week. Ritsu wanted to respond but Teru started again.

“I didn’t expect you to win the spar, but I also didn’t expect my attack to knock you out. It would have been easy to block if you would move outside your comfort zone once in a while, but I suppose I was wrong about you.”

Ritsu wanted to speak, but he had nothing to say. This was the first time he had seen Teru so pissed off and serious. It would have been less frightening if he was actually trying to kill him.

“Ritsu, tell me,” said Teru, “Why are you really doing this?”

“I already told you.”

“You’ll never beat him.”

“What?”

“I wanted you to surprise me, but so far this has been a waste of time. You can technically become stronger, but every time you improve on something you panic and go back into your comfort zone. It’s predictable. You’re predictable. You act like you don’t have any emotions but I can see them clear as day on your face. I’m not here to fix you, Ritsu, I’m here to train you. If you want to be fixed get a goddamn therapist.”

“H-hey! Wh-” Ritsu was interrupted by the sound of the bus stopping at the bench. Teru stood up and forced something into his hand.

“This is the money for the bus ride back. This bus will take you closer to your house so you don’t have to walk too far back. I’m taking the next one. Tomorrow you either show up ready to train or don’t show up at all. Bye.”

And with that, Teru shoved Ritsu forward onto the bus.

Mob’s parents were out seeing some friends, so Mob was left home alone. He was just watching TV when he heard the doorbell ring.

“Coming!” he called out as he walked over to the door. But when he opened it, he was surprised to see a familiar boy with red spikey hair standing in the doorway.

“S-Suzuki?!”

“Ah, you’re Ritsu’s brother!” said Shou with an uncharacteristically nervous voice. “Is he home? I really need to talk to him.”

“Ritsu…” Mob’s stomach sank. “He said he was hanging out with you.”

“What?”

[poetryofyouth]

Self realizations

tw: gender dysphoria, depression, bullying, homophobia, etc basically don’t read unless you want to feel down and hate me forever

(please don’t reblog)

(I just finished these >1800 words of rambling, it probably doesn’t make sense, and if you read this you know me better than my therapist, sorry bout that)

I used to be an asshole, I mean I still am in some ways, but my assholery nowadays is mostly just me being cynical towards conservative/homophobic/transphobic/ignorant people who also are assholes in my humble opinion.

I used to kinda be a homophobic /transphobic/ignorant asshole and I just get sick at what kind of an abusive dick I was.

I picked at my younger brother for liking the colour red, painting his nails, wanting to dress up as a princess in my old costume and other things.  I used the word “gay” as an insult and a curse word. I picked on a relatively flat chested girl in my class and talked about her small breast behind her back because,,, peer pressure?? I told transphobic jokes, called trans* people “it” or their birth pronoun I made fun of people in public who didn’t look obviously look like a woman or a man and called them “it” when trying to find out what sex they were with friends. I actively told homophobic jokes, laughed at homophobic jokes and encouraged the use of slurs I didn’t stand up for queer people. I used to think being gay was bad and being trans was sick I don’t think I knew that non-binary was a thing, but I would have laughed at anyone trying to tell me there were more than two genders I used to feel disgusted at trans women I mercylessly used queerness as a punchline in jokes I used to desperately kling to gender norms and basically made fun of anyone who defied those Like I remember how wrong it felt when we played family at preschool and a boy wanted to be the mum, it was weird and wrong to me. And I then I used to think that gender wasn’t really a thing at all just because my expericene with it was?? basically

And it’s not my parents fault I was a douchy kid. They didn’t give a single fuck when my brother and I played with my Barbies, or with his Lego. They didn’t care when we both dressed up as princesses or as pirates, or when I painted his nails bright pink (because he wanted me to). It was always me who was an asshole and abusive. And gosh I was an agressive kid, I loved to scuffle and sword fight with sticks while at the same time thinking it was wrong because that’s what boys and only boys do. I definatley didn’t have a rough childhood or anything, it was just me.

Basically, I was a total bag of dicks until I was, probably, 14, when I couldn’t escape the reality of my queerness anymore. I still did some of the things then, but it had more of a bitter aftertaste and I had fallen madly in love with a girl I knew for like a week before never seeing her again. I was probably in love with my female best friend before that, since I was 12, but didn’t really know since “girls can only have crushes on boys”. There was this game, Pflicht, Wahl oder Wahrheit, kind of like truth or dare, and the standard question was always “which boy do you have a crush on right now?” and i just couldn’t comprehend the concept of that. I read in magazines how it should feel like to have a crush on a boy, and it just didn’t happen? I tried making myself fall in love and pretended to, but you can’t just force these things, obviously.  And I got never picked on as a kid, I would have been the perfect victim, shy, quiet, fat, ugly,..., but I guess I was just lucky. And my class all the way through school was great.

Anyways, I was fourteen and I knew I was gay, it still sounded disgusting in my head, and had a crush on a girl I hadn’t seen in months. I started isolating myself and simply not talking to anyone in my class and hiding at the bathroom in the breaks just to avoid people. I don’t think I was depressed then, but I think that’s where it started, even though it took years to reach peak crisis. With 15, i still wasn’t out to anybody irl even though i read an watched a lot of things about sexuality and finally kind of stared to accept this part of myself. Then, in 10th grade, I did a foreign high school year in the USA. I was randomly placed in Ohio, with a hyper conservative family, i don’t think i need say more. During my first month, I subtly asked my host mother what she thought about homosexuality, and she straight up told me “I don’t like gay people”. Great, obviously coming out wasn’t happening there. I saw the humorous side ot this, sometimes, when I felt like a undercover liberal queer spy who is for health care and likes Obama more than bush.  I wrote so many emails to friends without sending them, about me being gay. I couldn’t even say the word lesbian without feeling weird. During that time, I also started to self harm seriously. And even though I wasn’t out to anyone, I was bullied for being gay by two girls during lunch. I don’t know why, but I couldn’t deny being gay, so I just sat quietly and told no one about anything.

When I got home things got a little better, I chopped of my hair and died it red and loved it. I came out to two friends, and slowly to others as well. They were all super accepting. I had my first (and only for now) girlfriend at 16 and came out to my parents, who of course didn’t mind and kind of knew before. I still cried, and I love them to death.  So everything should have been fine at that point exept it wasn’t and I was a depressed self-harming suicidal mess until I attempted suicide in September 2015 when I was 17. Then I was locked up in a psychiatry for 3 months.  Even after that I was too broken to continue school, since the pressure and especially one of the teachers were the main reason for my mental health issues. So I was a high school drop out and i still feel ashamed for that, one year later. Mental health issues make everything harder.  And even though my internalized homophobia was not the only reason, it definately contibruted to the mess i was.

Again, I have never been bullied by my Austrian class mates (the asshole ohio girls were not at home) but still my class teacher appearently thought my issues and the reason i dropped out was because of bullying and scolded my class mates for being mean. When I heard that, months later, I felt super guilty these guys have never done anything wrong to me in their life! 

That’s where schools go wrong, they say bullying wiill not be tolerated and don’t do anything to help victims of bullying, and accuse students of bullying when the actual reason other students feel down is just school itself.

In fall of 2016, I went to New Zealand for three months and volunteered in environmental protection, and this was the most healing thing I could have done. Seriously, no amount of therapy or medication could compare to knowing I am doing something for the planet, for the future. Of course that’s not for everybody, but for me it was the best possible thing to happen

So I’m in an allright place right now, not cured, but okay for the most part. I can say i am happy being gay and wouldn’t trade it for the world.

I have also started to accept my queerness on another level, the gender queer level. I identify as non-binary, that might change, but i’m fairly comfortable with it.

Right now I am in a weird dysphoric mood (yeah who would have guessed?) and feel really bad about my chest. I need to buy a binder. I felt so uncomfortable with my fat curvy body for the last few days. And binding with a wide belt and bandages is not healthy, I know, but I need to do something to be able to look in the mirror!

I think my picking at the girl with small breasts stemmed from jealousy, same with picking on my brother for doing traditionally feminine things. I wanted to not be a girl so bad all my life, all the signs were there, but I just pushed it into the back of my head and acted like the ignorant assholes i hate today.

One of my fondest, little childhood memories was when i was probably just 6 years old, and had short hair and basically looked like a little boy. My brother’s preschool teacher once thought I actually was a boy and asked my brother about his “brother”, refering to me when i went with my mother to pick him up form preschool. And hearing this stranger calling me “boy” was just a feeling of total bliss, I was so excited and happy because I was not called a girl. Unfortunately my mother corrected her. 

I grew my hair out and had long hair consistently for 10 years until I cut it off again. At first it was a feminine pixie cut, now it’s basically a men’s haircut. I don’t even go to a hair dresser, my mum cuts mine, my father’s, and my brother’s hair, which is great, because I hate going to hair dresser. 

I sometimes get “misgendered” in public and it’s still great, I just love being perceived as masculine (well when I’m feeling and presenting that way, but when I’m not I don’t get misgendered, at least I haven’t yet). I think it’s called gender euphoria, and love that word.

I haven’t completely figured out either my sexuality or my gender identity so I just identify as queer. I’m out as a lesbian to my friends and family, I don’t know when I will be able to talk to them about my gender identity/pronouns. Especially because there isn’t a pronoun in German I feel as comfortable with as “they/their”. 

And sometimes I still wake up and think “maybe I’m just faking it for attention, maybe I’m just a neurotypical, straight, cis girl who wants to feel like a special snowflake on the internet” even though straight and cis and girl feel so wrong that I feel as uncomfortable saying them as I used to feel uncomfortable saying “lesbian”. Well maybe I always knew that I wasn’t really a lesbian. The words I love now are queer, non-binary, and gay. And using/hearig them doensn’t make me anxious or uncomfortable. I just started smiling typing them. I am happy with these words, maybe just for now, maybe forever. 

TL;DR My internalized homophobia and transphobia and lack of understanding of myself and my sexuality turned me into a depressed asshole, and I hope to attone for these sins by being the queer person I am without feeling guilty.