#sorry i wasn't able to get to this yesterday anon!

[jtl07]

I love their time in Switzerland, it was the best 🩷 And your fic from their room and all the things is AMAZING! Let’s say Ava comes back and they choose to visit their «home», could you write a fic of them meeting Hans again? What would they say/lie/tell the truth about? He just lost two colleagues, maybe even without notice 😅

aw thanks anon! looks for you in everything (finds you there) has a very fond place in my heart. i also may or may not be working on something that makes reference to that fic 👀

anyway, here's two little short things for you! the first bit is from a wip that i've been picking at for a bit

[waiting]

It doesn’t take long for Hans to miss them - just a few minutes into his shift and he already feels bereft. There’s no one to laugh at, laugh with, be in awe of, be in awe with, and he has to make a conscious effort to breathe when he turns and doesn’t see Ava trying to juggle the shakers with Beatrice watching and trying not to laugh. He takes a deep breath and finishes clocking in; dons his apron in silence. 

He misses them both in equal measure, which surprises him. He finds himself missing Beatrice’s deadpan remarks dropped unexpectedly throughout the day, finds himself emulating her cool composure when faced with a distributor trying to increase the buying price. He can’t ever try to imitate Ava’s brightness, but he can try to find joy and love in the everyday mundane: the bubbles shining like rainbows in the sink, arranging the lime wedges into animal shapes, enjoying an errant breeze as he sweeps the floor. 

He doesn’t know if - when - they’ll be back. Doesn’t stop himself from looking up at the door when someone passes by with a bright laugh, a steady gait. Hopes; waits.

*

[welcome back]

“Wait, really?” Hans says, suddenly serious. 

Ava bursts out into incredulous laughter - it’s too loud for this late in the evening, but the bar is empty save for the three of them. The three of them, Hans thinks, and the part of him that had missed them, that had worried, that had prayed, truly starts to ease. 

Beatrice raises an eyebrow at him even as her hand reaches out to keep Ava from falling off her stool. “What?” Hans blurts out, looking between the two of them. They look older, somehow, the month they’d been gone having changed them. Different from when the two months they’d spent here - that had changed in a softer way, then; freer, hopeful. Here, under the dim light and a drink each, they look worn but steady, a war won and behind them, only life and joy ahead of them. 

For Ava and Beatrice, apparently, joy looks like this: “You believe us getting abducted by aliens more than us fighting demons for the Catholic church?” Ava finally says when her laughter dies down enough for her to speak. 

“Both sound equally crazy,” Hans nearly shouts, throwing his hands up in the air. They've been throwing out insane reasons for their disappearance the whole night, each one more ridiculous than the last. “Can’t you just tell me already?” 

“We already did.” Hans glares at Beatrice but if one thing has remained the same, it’s her ice cold stare. It melts, though, like it always did, under Ava’s grin. 

“Wait, I got a new one -” 

Hans groans. “I need another drink,” he mutters to himself as he goes behind the counter. He hears twin giggles behind him and rolls his eyes. They really are back, he grouses to himself; shakes his head and smiles.

[maidragoste]

Hiiii!!!! I (18) was wondering if you could write a Jace x his mothers handmaiden reader, where they have a secret relationship 🤙🏼🤙🏼❤️❤️

anon, sorry for taking so long to write your request. I hope you enjoy it and thanks for reading 🥰💖💖

btw it wasn't clarified so I didn't write reader as a low-born handmaiden (that is, the ones who clean the urinals and that) but as a high-born one.

likes, comments and REBLOGS are always greatly appreciated 🥰💖

Disclaimer: English is not my first language so I apologize for any mistakes.

A frustrated sigh left your lips as you tried to break free from Jacaerys's grip only for the prince to press your body even closer to his so you couldn't get out of bed. You turned to demand that your lover let you go but you remained silent, watching Jace's face. Even though he had his eyes closed you were sure by the lazy smile on his face that he was awake. He looked beautiful. He always looked beautiful but these moments only belonged to you. You wanted to wake up every day next to him but you couldn't. Your duty was to Princess Rhaenyra, you cannot allow yourself to be distracted. Besides, if she found out that you were having a secret relationship with her beloved son, she would throw you out and your family would be very disappointed in you for having wasted the opportunity that the princess gave you to choose you as one of her handmaidens. Not only that but your reputation would be ruined, if rumors spread that you no longer possess your virtue then it would be impossible for you to get a husband. You are a fool to continue with this romance, someday Jace will marry a girl from an even more important house than yours and you will have to sit silently watching everything. There is no happy ending to this.

“My prince, I have to go,” you said, hoping he would stop playing dumb and let you go.

“No,” he complained, lengthening the “o.” Your place is at my side” he moved his face closer to kiss you but you moved, he tried again but you avoided him again “What's wrong” he asked, letting you go so he could sit properly on the bed.

"It's late, I should go. At any moment your mother will wake up, I have duties to do” you responded without looking at him as you got up. You didn't even have a chance to look for your shoes when he tugged on your arm making you return to the bed. He turns you around so that you both face each other.

“What is wrong?” asked again the prince. “Talk to me, please, my lady,” he asked, looking at you with concern while gently taking your face in his hands.

“I think we should stop seeing each other, my prince.” The uncertainty in your voice was clear but still, your words were a dagger for Jacaerys.

“Why?” Your heart ached as you heard the confusion and anguish in his voice. “. I don't understand, yesterday we were fine”

“Yes, we were. But we won't always be. Someday you will have to get married and you will leave me. “I think the easiest thing for my heart is for us to finish our thing now,” you said, closing your eyes without being able to see the sadness in his eyes anymore. If you continued seeing him you were afraid you would go back on your decision.

Your heart skipped a beat when you stopped feeling Jacaerys's hands. You froze as you listened to him get out of bed and get dressed. You should take the opportunity to leave, it's probably what he wanted but you couldn't move. You really had finished everything.

You opened your eyes as you felt the prince's hands in your hair. Your heart raced as he carefully untangled the knots. Once he finished, he kissed your shoulder. “Finish getting ready so we can go talk to my mother.”

“We?” you repeated.

"Yes. I have no intention of marrying anyone but you,” Jacaerys said calmly as if his words wouldn't change your entire world.

“Jacaerys, marrying me is an idiotic move, my house is not that important, and the lords” your chatter was interrupted by the prince's lips capturing yours. You should be firmer and move away, but you can't, so you surrender to enjoying the taste of your lover's lips, feeling more loved than ever.

"I love you and if my mother wants me to be her heir, she will have to accept it," Jace declared and there was no room for argument in his voice. “You are the only wife I intend to take,” he promised before kissing you again.

Taglist for all my House of the Dragon works

@chaotic-fangirl-blog @venus-flytrap3 @ajordan2020 @iloveallmyboys @sweethoneyblossom1 @fudge13 @crystal-faith @tita004 @ichanelvxgue @snowprincesa1 @joyouart @rosey1981 @alastorhazbin @papichulo120627 @apollonshootafar @jasminecosmic99 @partypoison00 @labellapeaky @rebelliuna @bxdbxtxh15 @impartinghades @thegirlnextdoorssister @angeliod @snh96 @aleemendoza2425-blog   @natashaobo @watercolorskyy  @nyenye @savagemickey03 @kishie8 @ewwwitsel @arabis-world @missusnora @nzygftoji @alisoncdariel @cookielovesbook-akie @partnerincrime0 @klara-lily @427120lxld @justhereiguess2 @buckylahey @wa801 @artistadistrada2002 @thelastemzy @justanotherkpopstanlol @yn-jackson

hotd masterlist

[seullovesme]

need your attention » nakamura kazuha

pairing ⥬ kazuha x f!reader

genre ⥬ fluff

summary ⥬ you pay the le sserafim girls a visit after one of their stages and your time spent with a certain member was misunderstood by kazuha

sorry to my dear anon who requested this, ive been neglecting this for so long 😞

the attention of the le sserafim girls was caught when a member of the staff quite loudly questioned you, asking who you were and why you were trying to get inside.

the first one to recognize you was eunchae, she was surprised to see you and got the attention of the leader sitting beside her, telling her to tell the staff to let you in. "unnie! look it's y/n, tell them to let her in!"

the other girls heard your name and turned to see you standing at the door with a face mask on being talked to by some staff. chaewon got up and rushed to go and assist you while the members all smiled at each other.

she pulled the face mask off your face and grabbed your wrist, dragging you to where everyone had been sitting and she sat you right beside sakura before claiming her spot beside yunjin.

"y/n!" the eldest cheered as she hugged you as tight as possible, making your face turn a shade of red as you felt the air leave your lungs. "hey, stop hogging her!" eunchae yelled as she also lunged toward you and you yelped when she squeezed you too.

"guys stop! look at her, she's gonna pop!" they both let go of you to take a peek at your face and you gasped for air. "one more second and you may have actually suffocated me." you say in between small breaths, smiling at the affection of your friends.

"not our fault, where have you been? we missed you!" sakura said, going in for a much softer hug. you took your eyes off her and glanced at kazuha who was crossing her arms, looking disinterested. did she not miss you at all? you looked away and coughed as you noticed that the rest were all patiently waiting for your response, wondering if they saw you peek at the ballerina.

"w-well, i've been busy working at this new company and i actually got paid yesterday, so i was hoping that i could treat you guys out for dinner!" when you made the offer, the girls all got up and began squealing in excitement. it was nice finally seeing them again, you enjoyed watching them be so up and active, just being so cheerful. especially zuha.

but she didn't get up like the rest of them had. she just kept sulking in her seat. you could tell something was off about her and that she was thinking really deeply, but you chose not to say anything. you knew that she would tell you what was bothering her sooner or later, she always let you know what was on her mind.

they began discussing places to go and what foods they were craving. you watched them happily, ecstatic that you were able to treat them after all the times they treated you. you continued sneaking glances to kazuha, hoping to catch her looking at you as well, but her eyes were locked onto sakura. you turned to sakura and realized she had been talking to you.

"mm? sorry, say that again i wasn't listening." you laughed nervously and rubbed your neck.

"oh i was just asking if you had any preferences like what kind of food you wanted, or if there were any restaurants you were interested in going to."

you shook your head in response. "no, it's up to you guys. i'm not picky." sakura nodded and went back to chatting after you gave a small smile.

you looked back to where kazuha was sitting, but she was gone. you searched the room for her, eventually spotting her sitting at a vanity, mindlessly going through her phone. thinking back, she didn't have any input about food. was she not hungry?

you got up and walked over to her, hoping this was the chance to talk with her one on one and hopefully ask her to go out sometime, just the two of you. she didn't look up from her phone when you stood there awkwardly, sort of ignoring you.

"hi." you were going insane on the inside, your braincells going into a code red as you lost the ability to think of what to say. she put down her phone and made eye contact with you through the mirror, waiting for you to continue.

you cleared your throat. "so... did you not have any food suggestions? where do you want to go?" you asked, your voice a little shaky.

"hm. i don't know, why don't you ask kura unnie?" she said while she broke eye contact, picking at a thread on her shirt.

"what?"

"you should ask kura unnie, sure seems like she has a lot to talk to you about." she mumbled the last sentence, but you heard it clearly. you spun her chair to face you directly.

"what's going on? is everything okay, kazuha? you can talk to me, you know i'll hear you out." zuha sighed and leaned back in her chair as she crossed her arms. you pulled up a stool and when you seated yourself, you were a little shorter than her. you put a hand on her knee and gently stroked it as an attempt to comfort her.

"well, she's been hogging all your attention and you didn't give any to me. you didn't even say anything to me until now." she just looked away, embarrassed to have admitted her need for your attention out loud. "but i guess i understand, she's really pretty and all. honestly, i guess i'm.. glad she feels the same." she finishes hesitantly, her words lacking sincerity.

with the way you couldn't understand what she was talking about, it was like she was speaking another language. who feels the same about what? and she just wanted your attention? you blushed at the fact that kazuha flat out said that she was upset you didn't give her attention. she was adorable.

"what do you mean? sakura feels the same? about what?" you questioned.

"don't play dumb, i can tell you like sakura!"

you tried not to, but you laughed. "i do not like sakura, where did you get this from?" kazuha huffed and pouted, annoyed by your reaction.

"you were all over her earlier! you were basically giving her heart eyes." you scoffed at her response, rolling your eyes with a smile.

"heart eyes? all over her? oh please, we had two conversations."

"what about when she hugged you? you seemed to enjoy it a little too much."

"she was squeezing the life out of me, what do you mean?! plus, eunchae hugged me as well."

"well," she thought about another argument, but she didn't have anything else to say. "whatever." she went back to playing with the thread on her shirt, feeling kind of silly because you were right after all. there wasn't anything weird about what you were doing her member, but it still bothered her. just watching you talk to her when you hadn't even tried to talk to her once this entire time affected her tremendously. she felt frustrated with all these mixed feelings.

and you could tell. you saw that she was bothered, and she was even saying it out right that she was upset about your interactions with your other japanese friend. the only thing was that you knew how she felt. "zuha, you don't think you're a tad bit jealous?"

it was her turn to scoff. "jealous? of what? the fact that you like kura unnie and not me? pshh, no way." kazuha frowned slightly because she was, and it was making her say these stupid things. curse her stupid heart and it's stupid feelings.

"oh, kazuha." you lifted her chin, initiating eye contact but she just pouted, scared to look you in the eye.

"i told you, i don't like sakura that way. in fact, it's quite the opposite." she finally gave in and stared into the windows of your soul.

"she is pretty," you observed the twitch in her eyebrow when you said that. "but i think you are the prettiest girl out of everyone in the world." her jaw just fell and she watched the corners of your lips curl up.

"i'm sorry i didn't give you any attention. i know i usually do so i understand why you were bothered. you weren't used to it, were you?" kazuha shook her head, and you smiled as she eased up the tension in her muscles. you just needed to let her know that you understood, that's all.

"how about this, i give you my undivided attention for as long as you want this upcoming saturday, just us. does that sound better?" you offered and she was dumbfounded.

she uncrossed her arms and nervously rubbed her palms on her thighs, feeling the heat of your gaze cause her to sweat a bit. "are you.. asking me out?" you just nodded and watched as kazuha's eyes lit up. she clapped her hands together and flashed her sweet smile, and it felt like you were watching an angel spread it wings for the first time. it was just a beautiful sight to see.

"then yes! it sounds much better." she took the hand you had resting on her knee and held it tightly. you swooned over her touch, enjoying the way she shined. "i don't want any other girls to have you, you're all mine."

you raised one eyebrow at her words which kazuha picked up as you teasing her, and she hit your shoulder in response. you snickered, interlocking your fingers with hers and tugging her, pulling her up to stand. you gave her another smile and brought her back to the girls who were finalizing their choices.

you sat where zuha was sitting previously and pulled her onto your lap, wrapping your arms around her waist. the four of them turn to you two and carried on with planning like it was the usual. because it was, it was always you and kazuha, kazuha and you.

everyone knew you and zuha were like two peas in a pod, and it seemed that the only ones didn't were the people in question.

literally took me so long to finish one fic, wtf is wrong with me rn😒

[owliellder]

circling back to this finally!

i'm so sorry i wasn't able to do this sooner. i was gonna write it out yesterday but i was busy surviving a tummy ache on top of a 60 hour work week.

i tried to make this super duper sweet for you. forgive me, my sweet anon 💔

ID! Leon x Pregnant! Reader

MDNI 18+

Pregnancy was more than difficult.

Day in and out you hoped your pregnancy would be easy like your friends' had been, but of course you can't always get what you want.

Dealing with everything you didn't want to happen was more than frustrating, and for the first seven months, Leon was constantly being pulled away from you to work.

However, that man was incredibly helpful when he was home, doting on you as if you'd break at the slightest breeze. The most amazing person you could ever ask for.

Swollen ankles, strong food cravings, intense mood swings, horrible morning sickness which is not limited to just the morning, and the overall struggle to perform basic tasks was hard to handle, physically and emotionally. Everything would be so much better if you just had more of Leon.

Closing in on the eight-month mark, he was finally able to take leave, those months of stressing his need to be at home with you ultimately paying off in the end.

From there, you were taken care of. Everything you asked for, you got. You wanted a large pizza at three in the morning? No problem. Need help getting your socks on in the morning? You don't even need to ask. Can you get a back massage? Is that even a question?

You were never afraid to ask Leon for anything, expect for one thing. The need for this specific thing had been growing throughout your pregnancy and you weren't really expecting it to, hoping it would simply come and go. That thing that you were dreading bringing up to him was sex.

Understandably, it was a hard topic to approach, seeing as the man would treat you like expensive china. And no matter how many times he told you, that nagging voice in the back of your head was constantly whispering negative insults about yourself; you're overweight, you're too needy, you complain too much, etc.

Thinking about asking would always lead to you crying and that freaked Leon out, immediately rushing to make sure you were okay. That really only made you cry more. He was so unbelievably sweet and kind, how could you think so low of him to say no to such a simple request like sex?

You always refused to tell him why you were crying, brushing it off as hormones or maybe you just saw a video of the cutest kitten being rescued. You'd cried over similar things, so it was easy to excuse.

Though you'd been able to ignore the urge for quite some time, you couldn't ignore it forever.

The baby had you up at odd hours of the night to waddle into the bathroom, waking Leon in the process since the guy is the lightest sleeper ever. It never failed to make you cry, apologizing for waking him, to which he would just gently shush you while helping you to and from the toilet.

After one such bathroom trip, you couldn't fall back asleep, doing your best to ignore that feeling breaking away at your composure.

"Leon? Are you still awake?" You suddenly whispered, looking away from your phone to study him for any sort of movement.

"Mm.. mhm.." He breathed in through his nose as he rolled onto his side to face you, eyes squinting from the glow of your phone. "What's up baby?"

All you could do was stare, silently working up the courage to ask. Your need was too hard to ignore now, and that deep, sleepy voice of his wasn't helping. "I-... can I ask you for something?"

Leon nodded and slowly lifted himself up, resting his head in his hand as he propped himself up with his elbow. "You don't need to ask, just let me know what you need and I'll do it. Or get it."

"You have to promise me you won't laugh, okay?" You placed your phone down on your stomach, screen side down.

Leon pursed his lips, raising an eyebrow. "I promise."

"Is it-.." You paused, running one of your hands over the top of the other nervously. You didn't really think this far ahead, so forming the question was proving difficult. "Uh.. would it be weird if I asked for sex right now..?"

His soft laugh broke the silence and that only made you even more nervous. "You said you wouldn't laugh!"

"I know, I know! I'm sorry, I just think you're funny." Leon lifted himself up so he was now sitting up next to you, scooting closer in the process. "It's not weird to ask." His voice remained low and smooth, which did help calm your nerves. If only a little.

"Are you sure it's not weird? Cause I've been having urges for months and-" You were cut off by his hand suddenly grabbing yours, stopping you from fidgeting. "You've been having urges for months? And you didn't tell me?"

The question itself was definitely not meant to come off as mean, but regardless it was bringing you close to tears, bottom lip quivering as you tried to apologize once more.

"No- hey, hey c'mon.. I would never say no to you, sweetheart." He brought his hand up to stroke you cheek, wiping a stray tear away with his thumb.

"But-" You tried again only to be cut off again. "No buts. You're perfect, I love you, and I want you." He leaned over and kissed the tip of your nose before planting a tender kiss to your lips.

You gave Leon a weak smile before you let him take off your nightgown and lay you down, lifting up a bit so he could slip his pillow underneath you to cradle the small of your back. He triple checked that you were comfortable, running his hands along the swell of your belly.

Such tender touches, such sweet kisses. This man provided you with everything you could possibly want, how did you end up so lucky?

Your underwear hasn't fit you since month six and maternity underwear felt a little constricting, so you've been going without them for awhile. Leon definitely didn't mind that.

"Wanting sex for months and never asked..." He shook his head with another soft laugh, dragging his rough hands up your body to massage your swollen breasts which made you gasp. "I'll never be able to resist you."

He squeezed your breasts and pinched your nipples, letting out sounds akin to growls as he watched your milk-filled breasts leak at his ministrations. "Been wanting to play with these since you bought those pumps. Making me jealous of them."

His gravely voice was hitting all the right spots in your brain. "Leon.. please.." You whined, biting at your bottom lip in a poor attempt to hide your increased sensitivity.

"So pretty for me. Always so beautiful." He bent over you, careful of your stomach, to bring one of your nipples into his mouth. The vibration of his moan made you cry out, hands flying into his hair. He sucked and swirled his tongue around it, eyebrows furrowed as he concentrated.

Leon pulled off with a loud pop, swallowing with a sigh before moving over to your other nipple, repeating the process over. By the time he was done taking his fill of your milk, you were a crying, drooling mess. You gave up hiding your pitiful noises as soon as you started trying.

"Tastes so good.." Leon groaned, giving both of your nipples one last harsh suck before kissing his way down your stomach to your dripping pussy.

For a brief moment you were embarrassed at the fact that you hadn't shaved, you hadn't been able to since your stomach masked the view that you needed. Yet, he said nothing but the sweetest things as he stroked through your folds with his finger, bringing it into his mouth before quickly descending between your legs.

He groaned into your cunt, lapping at your entrance and clit like it was the last thing he'd ever do. You were soaked, he couldn't just pass up getting a good taste of you.

"Fuck! Leon- ah~!" You moaned as he sucked on your clit, making sure he paid extra attention to it. He sat back on his legs with a content sigh, giving your pussy a few extra rubs with his fingers before sinking the entirety of his middle finger into you. Before you knew it, he was stretching you with two. "Couldn't fuck you without giving this neglected pussy a little extra attention.."

He was so skillful with his fingers, stretching you out like it was an art, but you were desperate to have him deep in you, aching to your core. "N-no more-.. gah.. I need more.. please Leon..."

"Yeah? You need more?" Leon cooed, thrusting his fingers in you a few more times before slowly pulling them out. "Need my cock deep in that cunt?" Feeling him grind his dick against your slick folds was torture. He knew just how badly you needed it and he *still* decided to tease you.

"Yes! Please! God, please.." Your moan fell to a whimper as he carefully pushed the tip of his dick into you, pausing for a moment to rub the tops of your thighs as they trembled with your orgasm. "Poor thing, just feels that good huh?"

One of Leon's hands on your face brought you to open your eyes again. You didn't even realize you started crying until he wiped them from your temple. You could only nod, leaning your head against his hand as he sunk deeper into you.

Once he was flush against you, you both let out a sigh, sitting still so he could caress your body. His hands felt so good against your hot skin, eyes falling back closed as he massaged your breasts for a minute.

It wasn't long before he started to thrust into you, his slow place quickly frustrating you. "Faster, Leon- ngh~.. I-.. I'm not gonna break I promise!" You whined, panting in between words.

"You're perfect." Leon wasn't going to pass up a request like that, immediately beginning to pound your sloppy cunt once his hands settled on the barely visible divots from your hips. "Feel so good around me, baby~..."

You were incredibly sensitive from already having came once and his brutal pace was bringing you close to another. He knew just what angle to hit at and just what to say to get you right back to that edge.

You felt amazing with Leon taking care of you like this. Even as your body changed, he still made you feel like the most beautiful girl in the world.

"That's it, ohhh, there ya go baby~.. Fuck that's hot.." Leon grunted as you came again, your walls clamping around him. He leaned back a bit to watch his cock disappear into your cunt as he neared his own high. "Gonna cum baby, shit, I'm gonna cum-" He spilled his seed deep inside you with a long, drawn out moan, gripping onto you tightly as his thrusts slowed to a stop.

After catching his breath, he let out an airy laugh, bending over to kiss right above your belly button before pulling out of you.

"I promised I would take care of you, didn't I?" He whispered against your skin, and you nodded with a small hum. "Right. So the next time you want me to fuck you, please don't be afraid to jump my bones."

You couldn't help but let out a laugh of your own, placing your arm over your eyes. If you knew pregnancy sex would be this good, you would've asked him ages ago.

[auraworkshop]

MY STORY OF SUCCESSFULY CONQUERING THE VOID STATE

Trigger warning: Sexual abuse, trauma etc.

I was raised in a loving and nurturing household. My childhood was hunky-dory and I remember myself as a bright and happy child, frolicking around in a carefree environment. I was pampered by a set of very loving and supportive parents. Alas, my protected bubble shattered, when at the age of 11, I went through sexual abuse and my life changed. The incident led to repressed anxiety, depression, and lingering PTSD for almost a decade.

I was sexually abused at the age of 11

Considering I was just 11-years-old when the heinous incident took place, I was too young to register the gravity or impact of such a crime. Revisiting the incident is still very painful. It happened about nine years ago, at an outstation wedding. I was sleeping alone in a hotel room, when the abuser entered my room and forced himself upon me. I remember distinctly how dark the room was. I was in a deep slumber and didn't realize that someone other than me was in the room as well. I wasn't able to respond or react, as I couldn't escape or stop the person. I was left in pain.

While I did inform my parents immediately, for some reason, the abuse and its record got shushed. My parents didn't want it to be made public or for it to harm my image in the society. Their response towards my trauma festered as a scar in the coming years.Living with depression, anxiety and PTSD As much as I tried to move on from that horrendous night, it kept coming back to me.

Unfortunately, I was too young to repair the damage. I began to feel lethargic and fatigued all the time. Something as small as brushing my teeth became a laborious task. I withdrew from merrymaking, public engagements, and activities that I had found joy in earlier. I failed to find any joy in life anymore.

I made many attempts. I think they started as a result of feeling unhappy with myself. All the failed attempts were a call for help and desperation. I felt helpless and alone and I couldn't dare to face the demon. I began to get triggered by even the mere mention of weddings. I think, my parents untimely and apathetic response to my suffering was the nail in the coffin-I lost trust in anybody whom I considered close. The replaying of the incident, over and over again, left my conscious and spirit bruised and broken. I became quiet and reclusive. This was when my life slowly started to change, as I found out about law of assumption and then the void state. After knowing that I can change my life completely through the void I tried every single night till yesterday to enter the void state at any cost. I was so desperate to get in. I slapped myself every night to enter otherwise my life would never change and I'll also be miserable. I did everything that can be done but still I saw no progress. I slowly started to get super jealous of other people's success stories. Everytime I saw a new void success story here on Tumblr, I would cry so hard and isolate myself. Yeah :) I was so Harsh on myself.

But, Then I found out about you and your subliminals and then about your paid custom subliminal and how magically they work, and yeah I was a bit hesitant to pay you for the subliminal as I got scammed by people so many times but all those success people got from using your subliminal boosted my motivation and trust in you! and see, my money was worth it!!

I listened to that sub on loop for 3 hours for 4 days continuously and the night of the 4th day I ended up in the void. It was instant and so effortless, it all happened so effortlessly. I never thought I would enter like this after beating, slapping, and isolating myself to enter.

Thankyou for helping me, thankyou for the hardwork you put in your subliminals, thankyou for your sweet and motivating words ♡

Bye to Tumblr, all my fav bloggers, anons and Aura.

Signing off...

Wow! You did a great job my girl, Your success story is truly a GEM.

Sorry for everything you went through, I LOVE YOU <3

And Thankyou so much for taking your time and writing this beautiful success story to all of us 🤍

[little-miss-dilf-lover]

I’m back with more request for dad!tan. Well… pre-dad!tan. How would he react to us telling him we were pregnant? Even more drama, tan gets a call in the middle of the events of the bullet train and it’s us saying that we wanted to wait until he got home but we can’t keep the secret - we’re pregnant.

Also I know I request dad!Tan a lot, could I be 🍼anon? I feel like it’s appropriate

hii!! love love it!! been thinking of you as daddy anon, so the emoji is better😭😭😭 hope you like it💌 love dad tan sm!!!

TELLING TAN YOU’RE PREGNANT.

got an idea but it'll mess with the plot of the movie, but that's a good thing as that means he won't die so yay

— maybe you text him beforehand to see what he's up to and he tells you he's about to get on the train and if all goes well he should be home midday the next day. he's been away on work for the last several days, and you found out you were pregnant yesterday. usually, you tell tan everything, and since he's away, you can't. maybe it was eating you up, and since this was such big news, you NEEDED to tell him

— you start it small. trying to find out more about how long he'll be, and what time he lands. you're trying to scope out how much longer you have to contain the news for. and bc of your questioning, he gets suspicious and he'd send back "you alright? missing me too much or something?" and then you reply "yeah, miss you loads! need to tell you something but I'll wait" then he says "tell me now love. what is it?" and then you say "rather tell you in person. be safe and I'll see you when you're back" but he's not having it, so he calls you

— they'd be in their seats on the train now, so tan would leave lem with the son while he calls you

— maybe you debate declining the call, but you know tan, and you know he would just keep calling and calling til you answer. so you answer and bc you're actually speaking to him you get all emotional and teary?? you bounce around with the way you say it, seeing how this wasn't how you envisioned and he's miles and miles away. so after a little bit of his gentle pushing and his reassurance you tell him you're pregnant. he'd go quiet and you'd be saying his name, and apologise for telling him like this, and sorry for messing up his mission

— he'd tell you how that's not true and he loves you. he's just a little speechless. all he wants now is to see you and hug you, and the distance is messing with his head (he's not able to do what he wants to do, and you're at home on your own and he's in japan) says how he'll be home soon, and how happy he is about the news, but says he'll call you again later bc now theres things he needs to do

— he'd go up to lemon and tell him how they need to cut the mission short. they'd threaten and scare the son into staying on the train "you don't get off til kyoto. hear me? or we'll (idk, imagine something threatening)”

— lemon is obvs VERY happy with the news and understands why tan needs to get back

— it's late when he gets home (but it's way way earlier than planned so it's a cute surprise) he has like 5 bouquets of flowers in his arms and places them on the nightstand next to you and kneels beside the bed and gently nudges you awake, calling your name sweetly, telling you he's home

[kenny-the-ken]

Hello 👋 if you can can you make a smut or fluff of Kenny x immortal!reader?

Like the reader dies and then comes back the next day but Kenny remembers that they died the day before. Then reader spills the beans about being immortal then they bond over it or something idfk it was an idea I had yesterday after reading some smutshots lol

Also no worries if you don't want do do this request

Lots of love -☆♡anon

Kiss Me Hard Before You Go

ALL AGED UP CHARACTERS!!! I wrote this listening to Lana Del Rey 😭 I'm so so sorry it took me so long to answer your request lovely!! I hope you enjoy it!! Lots of love to you too anon 💖 Warnings: character deaths, swearing, talks of death/suicide.

How had this happened? Kenny's head was spinning, his blood soaked hands cupping your face, his head bowed, his eyes bloodshot, and filled with tears that fell steadily, rolling down his cheek and dripping onto your now motionless face. Everything was taken from him, in the blink of an eye you were gone, and there was nothing he could do to save you, you were gone, and Kenny knew you weren't coming back.

You weren't like him, you couldn't die one day and come back the next, and as the ambulance began to move your body from the sight of the car crash, Kenny fell to his knees, his friends trying their best to hold him up, all of their faces stained with tears. But Kenny's pain was like nothing he'd ever felt before, his heart was broken into a million little shards the moment he seen the car connect with your body. You stood no chance, and Kenny held your hands as you took your very last breath, and it felt like he hadn't been able to breathe properly since.

His friends tried to take him home, tried to get him to calm down, to stop crying, stop hyperventilating, but he just couldn't, the only voice he wanted to hear was yours, and he would never hear you call his name again. Kenny was in love with you, you'd been inseparable for as long as he could remember, you were one of the guys, a part of their group, and it felt wrong, the four of them sitting at Stark's Pond without you. Kenny stood, watching the gentle ripple of the water, staring back at his reflection, his mind focused on nothing but memories of you.

Kenny remember the first kiss you both shared, on the bench that his friends now sat, hand in hand, sharing their fond memories of your life, the antics you all used to get up to together as kids, your hopes, your dreams, but Kenny stood silent, his mind too clouded with grief to even comprehend what they were saying. It was as if everything moved in slow motion, before finally he wiped the welling tears out of his eyes, turning to look at the three boys that had been his lifelong friends.

"I- I think I'm just gonna go be by myself for a bit. I need to think." Kenny managed out, his tears rolling down his cheeks once more, his sleeve rubbing his nose as he sniffled, pulling the strings of his orange hoodie to cover more of his face, and Eric, Kyle and Stan nodded sadly.

"Call us if you need us, Kenny." Stan spoke, the other guys nodding in agreement, as he turned on his worn out shoe heels and walked towards your home. And he stood there, just gazing at your bedroom window, his tears stinging his eyes, trying his best to get himself together, before knocking on the door, and there was no answer, just as he suspected.

With a long sigh he headed towards his own home, swinging the door open, the noise of his parents usual fighting echoing in the background, of his rather preoccupied mind, and when he passed them to head upstairs, they stopped shouting, looking at their son with concern.

"Ken, what's wrong?" His mother Carol spoke in a soft tone, one that Kenny wasn't used to, but she knew there was something wrong with him, the fighting could wait.

"I-It's y/n she... she..." Kenny tried, the lump in his throat becoming too much as his mother embraced him, although Kenny was now taller than her, she was still his mom, and she did care, contrary to popular belief.

"She's what baby? Did something happen?" She asked, and Kenny simply nodded, as she looked up towards her husband, who stood there awkwardly, not really knowing what to do or say.

"Is she hurt, baby?" And Kenny nodded harder, his tears falling quicker, knees giving way as he dropped to the dirty floor beneath him, his hands covering his face, and he sobbed, he sobbed like he never had before, struggling to catch his breath.

"She's dead." Was all he could muster, before his sobs broke through again, and his mum and dad helped him to his feet, bringing him to his bedroom and sat him on his bed.

"You'll be okay, Ken. I promise everything will be okay." Carol whispered, trying her best to calm her son, and Kenny shook his head, his jumper wet from his tears.

"Nothing will ever be okay, mom! I fucking love her!" Kenny shouted, his mothers arms embracing him once more, shushing him as he cried his heart out, she'd never seen Kenny like this about anyone. It was common knowledge that you both were dating, but no one ever realised how deeply in love you both were, you were both 18, and everything had been perfect, up till that fateful day.

Minutes felt like hours and hours felt like days, but finally the morning had came, and Kenny had sobbed himself to sleep, his alarm clock ringing was what woke him, and when he rubbed his eyes and sat up, he felt his heart begin to ache again, he'd only just arose and already he wanted the day to be over. That was until he heard a loud knocking on the front door.

Kenny heard Karen and a familiar, yet muffled voice talking to one another, before the door closed, and he heard footsteps approach his closed bedroom door, and with a knock, Karen swung the door open, a bright smile on her face, as if she remembered nothing from yesterday.

"Kenny! You have a visitor!" She sung, a smile wide across her face, and Kenny's eyebrow quirked, sniffling slightly, trying his best to stop his tears from falling.

"Karen I- I don't really wanna see anyone right now." Kenny replied, his head hung low, and then he heard it, the voice he'd been longing to hear.

"Not even me?" It was you, you were alive, not a scratch on your perfect skin, his head shooting up before he ran to you, pulling you into a tight hug, his tears falling from his beautiful oceanic eyes, and you ran your hands through his fluffy blonde hair, pressing a kiss to his forehead.

Kenny swore this was a dream, this was all his mind playing cruel tricks on him, and soon he'd awaken, and you'd still be gone, no longer in his arms, and he held on tighter to your jumper, his body shaking.

"Please tell me this isn't a dream?" Kenny whispered into the crook of your neck, smelling your familiar perfume, cigarettes and weed, and you cupped his face with your hands, like he did with yours when you were dead.

"I promise this is real, baby. I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, I swear." You whispered softly into your sobbing partners ear, and he gazed up at you, his lips meeting your own, your arms around his neck and his arms around your waist, and he couldn't believe that you were here, in his arms, kissing him back like you always had, and as you both pulled away, your eyes meeting, Kenny took your hand and pulled you further into his room, the door closing behind you both.

"So you remembered?" You asked, and Kenny just pulled you on to his lap once he'd sat on his bed, his arms going round your waist, fluttering soft whispers of kisses against your face, and he leaned his forehead against yours, his eyes still bloodshot from the hours of crying.

"Of course I remembered!! Just like you remembered with me. I really thought I'd lost you... I thought I'd never have the chance to hold you this way again and I-I..." Kenny trailed off, his eyes welling with tears once more.

"I guess it just made me think, how special you really are, how much I really need you to survive... I even thought about killing myself to join you, cause I swear I'd do it everyday if it meant we could meet in heaven together, and I'd be able to hold you like this again, if even for a little while. I really am in love with you." Kenny whispered, his eyes welling once more, and yours did too, before connecting both your lips together once more, yours hands lost in his soft hair, and Kenny smiled against your lips, tightening his grip on you.

"Although, what I'm about to do to you, we'd definitely be sent to hell for." He said with a smirk, flipping you on to your back as he hovered over you.

"I love you too, Ken. And don't worry, no matter where either of us go when we die, we'll always find our way back to each other."

And with that, your night began, and it was bound to be a long one.

[presidentlokis-hornyhelmet]

Could you do a Pav x reader based on "From the start" By laufey TY :3

From The Start

🕸MASTERLIST🕸

A/N: anon, I am so sorry for the delay, I only saw the ask yesterday.. I hope the fic's worth the wait! And, this was a really lovely ask, thank you for requesting!

Pairing: Pavitr Prabhakar x platonic!Reader Tags: Pining, Light Angst, Unrequited Love Summary: What's more painful than pining after a person who will never love you the way you do them is listening to them speak of loving someone else the way you wish they did you.

Also read on AO3

🎶Have to get this off my chest I'm telling you today That when I talk to you, oh, Cupid walks right through And shoots an arrow through my heart And I sound like a loon, but don't you feel it too? Confess I loved you from the start 🎶 'From the Start' by Laufey

It was just the two of you, sitting by the bleachers in what he would often describe as a comfortable silence, but was actually awkward. His hair rustled in the wind and he ran his fingers through to tame his lengthy curls, his chocolate brown eyes finding yours in a quiet gaze. A soft smile graced his lips, his face glowing and in that moment, he looked like an angel.

You wished he'd stop looking at you like that. These soft moments were too much; scarily intimate. You felt like an intruder.

It was no longer a happy feeling, no, it was terrifying.

You noticed his lips move. He'd started speaking.

"...it's just..", Pav sighed, waving his hands around and making little insane gestures, frustrated that he couldn't find the right word to explain. It would've been cute and adorable if it wasn't for the fact that he was talking about Gayatri, his girlfriend.

Pavitr Prabhakar was your favourite person in the world, the one who you loved with all your heart -maybe even more than your life. A shame the sentiment will never be reciprocated. Not the way you wanted.

"She's so beautiful and talented and everything, I... She's, like, the perfect girl to ever exist! And, I'm just a nerdy dude with amazing hair."

You forced out a chuckle at his self-depreciating joke.

And it hurt. It hurt because you longed to be the one that he spoke of so fondly so often. That you aren't the reason behind his sleepless nights, that you won't be the first person to share his grief and joys, that he doesn't see you more than just a friend. That he doesn't love you the way you hopelessly love him.

Days spent just lying on your bed and staring at the ceiling as tears run down your face, dealing with the heartache alone. It drives you insane, having the words at the tip of your tongue that you never seem to be able to get out.

And it's too late now, so you just listen to him as his words make a hammer and shatter your heart to pieces. Maybe you were addicted to it, maybe it was a weird kind of dopamine that had you coming back everytime, revelling in the pain of seeing him fuss over his girlfriend and frustrate to express the depths of his love.

You didn't want to think of it as a betrayal but sometimes your treacherous brain would go down that dark lane. You had been the first to welcome Pav at kindergarten, you were his first friend, first bestie, first one to even know his superhero identity. You were there before Gayatri even came into his life. You loved Gayatri will all your heart too, as any bestfriend would, but sometimes you'd just wish that... that...

You loved him from the start. It should've been you.

But it's not.

It was fine, really. You were used to only getting scraps of attention from your family, it's no big deal. Pavitr was the first person to ever give you more than a minute's worth of attention, and maybe that's why you liked him, but still, it's totally fine that he doesn't do it now. Not as often. But you weren't complaining.

A gentle, warm palm laid on your thigh. "You okay, Y/N?"

He'd grown quiet and noticed you weren't listening.

Words choked your throat.

If there was one thing you hated more than your damned fate, it was lying to Pavitr. But the truth will do no one good. Better to swallow it down and deal with it alone; nothing some crying in the shower can't fix.

You wiped the stray tear that slipped down your eye, moving your hair around to cover it and looked up at him, praying he didn't notice.

"Sorry, I zoned out", you smiled, masking the pain of a thousand arrows being shot through your heart. "I'm okay. You were saying?"

You were okay. You were okay.

If Pavitr noticed anything odd, he didn't mention it. He stared deeply into your eyes and for a second you feared he was looking into your soul and found your pathetic little secret. But he just sighed and shook his head, continuing his rant.

You let his head lay on your lap as he lamented, swallowing down the sob rising in your throat. You may not be able to love him the way you want to, but that isn't to say you can't cherish these little moments alone. Resigning to your fate, you run your fingers through his hair as he goes on with making amusing faces and cute little gestures.

He's not yours, he will never be, but you loved him from the start and weren't going to stop now. Even if it hurt from the start. 

_____

Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed it! <3 likes and comments are appreciated!

[ryuichirou]

Replies

We gave you a break from my art but not from my replies lol

Anonymous asked:

Will you draw more Scott Pilgrim content?

Not in the nearest future. Like I wrote in the post itself: we haven’t watched the show yet; and probably won’t for quite some time (I’m positive it’s not something we’d be able to recover from to jump back into twst). But Wallace’s anime design is adorable, so I really wanted to draw him with Todd. We’ll definitely watch it though, and then I might spam more art with them... or keep it to myself.

Anonymous asked:

Out of curiosity, do you have like a genderbend tag or something to see all your works with the twisted boys as girls together 👀

I do! It’s not strictly about twst, but it’s the only thing I post nowadays, so it probably doesn’t matter: #genderswap

I do have quite a lot of drawings of twst boys as girlies, but we haven’t posted much of them… I hope we will one day. 💪😔

Anonymous asked:

Do you think that Fem!Jamil would have less complaints than Regular!Jamil about those times where Kalim tries to dress her up? My guess is that she would simply see it as Fem!Kalim wanting to "play dolls" and wouldn't really think much past that. Annoying, yes, but nothing more than a childish whim. Also, if this requests involve crossdressing, I imagine that her male counterpart would make more of a fuss about it than her.

(we talked about fem!KaliJami in our reply yesterday)

At first yeah, probably. She’s definitely more comfortable with it than the regular Jamil, because it’s easier for her to rationalize it in a non-romantic/non-sexual way. It really is as if Kalim just treats her like a pretty doll, and it’s nothing unusual: they used to play like this a lot when they were little. But when she’ll realise that whenever she’s dressed in pretty silks (and sometimes quite revealing ones), Kalim looks at her in an amazed but also clearly enamoured way. The moment Jamil realised that Kalim probably desires her, she’ll start treating these little dress up games differently.

Anonymous asked:

Ortho got a new card for new years. So picture him with Vil in his new years. Same goes with Rook in his new year. You know what? Have the three of them together in new years?

Ortho’s been getting so many new cards recently! He deserves all of them. The best boy lol Really liked the new year’s one!

Vil’s New Years outfit was so good that my heart actually stops whenever I remember him, and I’m super excited that he could be paired up with either Rook or Ortho now. Or both~

Anonymous asked:

Hey Ryu and katsu, did you guys read the translation for the previous jp event 'Playful Land'? I haven't seen you guys talk about it or mention it, so i'm curious to hear your thoughts and opinions on this event.

personally, i enjoyed most of the event  This is basically falling into the Black Butler territory lol (But i heard rumours that Yana wasn't involved in this event and a few previous ones apparently?).

Also, what do you guys think of the two new characters? Fellow and Gidel. I swear Gidel looks almost identical to cheka :'DD

Anon!! Sorry that it took so long to reply. We haven’t seen this event yet, so we edited out some of the parts of your ask to keep it spoiler-free; I don’t know when we’re going to finally watch it, but we’ll keep your ask in the askbox so we could share our thoughts when it happens. It might take quite a long time though, so I’m sorry.

I’ll reply to the rest of the things you’ve mentioned.

I’m not sure about the rumors, but I think Yana mentioned in her twi that she and her team was involved in the writing + design work for the event? But she has to do a lot of things these days, so I can’t say for sure.

The Black Butler vibes are very strong though, the whole circus/carnival theme is like a classic Yana setting, especially when it gets dark and traumatic lol Very excited to learn more once we watch it.

Fellow and Gidel look great!! Really love their design, their sprites are also great, Fellow especially has great expressions, and I really really love sleazy characters in general. Gidel has a lot of Cheka vibes lol but Cheka is more of a >:3 kid, and Gidel is more of a =w=, also I trust Gidel much much less. But in a good way, because once again, sleazy characters = good.

Anonymous asked:

So I've seen this hand held octopus citrus wringer, let's just say it looks like something else, so I'd like you to imagine Azul shoving a tiny octopus up Idia's ass

You mean… this one? Wow, it really looks like something else…

Poor Idia and his poor butt. Come on, Azul, it’s not an orange!!

Anonymous asked:

Neige could be Cady, but in universe fans would probably say he's a good fit for Regina George bc of his beauty

Either way Janis cusses both of them out so Vil gets paid to insult Neige on-screen

Let’s be honest, his fans would be so scandalized by Cady-Neige turning into “the second Regina” during the course of the movie lol I don’t know why I keep picturing his fanbase as a 90% wholesome people but. Still, he would absolutely be celebrated for that role and for going outside of his unproblematic box.

But yeah, if Vil got to play Janis in this scenario he would probably enjoy his opportunity to vent lol

[a-dragons-journal]

hi im politely asking for you to take down your response to my post, i do not want the kind of attention i am receiving. thank you

*sigh* I was going to draft a response to your first response to my reblog yesterday, but it's been a weird and stressful couple of days for me and I didn't want to accidentally snap at you because I didn't have the brain space to give the conversation the respect and attention it deserves, so I delayed it to today, and it appears that may have come off as me being rude and ignoring you. For that I apologize; that was not my intent.

I'm sorry that a couple of people have been rude to you in the tags on that post. I also apologize if my response came off as harsh or hostile in any way; as I noted in that initial reblog, I've been seeing a lot of people saying with their whole chest that alterhuman just means nonhuman, and the frequency is getting frustrating, but that's not your fault and the frustration might have unfairly spilled over into my tone. It seems from some of your more recent reblogs like it might've just been a misphrase, but it's hard to tell, so I didn't want to assume it was - and in any case, the explanation and example list was for anon as much as it was for you. I wasn't trying to attack or "rag on" you at all, and I don't think most of the people leaving tags agreeing with me were either, though obviously I can't speak for them. I was just trying to prevent misinformation from spreading - because even if you didn't mean "alterhuman = nonhuman," if that's how it read to me, it's probably how it read to an anon who has no way of knowing better, and that's how people come away actually thinking that's what the word means.

With that being said, I'm going to politely decline to delete my reblog of that post. I won't answer in further reblogs (unless you address me directly, of course) and thus won't bump it any further up my blog, but the existing reblog has already been up for two days and reblogged by multiple people; anyone who was going to see it on their dashboard from my blog has probably already seen it, so deleting it won't actually accomplish decreasing the people responding in your notes. All it will do is get rid of the clarification of potential misunderstanding, which I honestly don't really want to do when it won't do any good. If the post keeps causing you problems, turning off reblogs would probably do more to get rid of that problem than my deleting my response would; you should be able to do that in the edit interface on any post, at least on desktop (I'm never sure how mobile works exactly lol). (And that's a reversible change where deletions are not, to boot.)

[bosskie]

2 Years Ol' Blog 'n' 3D Molluck Stuff

Man, having this blog has been a ride... I posted my first post here on 1st April 2022 and created this blog/account a few days before. During this whole time, my mental health issues have affected my blog and I was about to delete it before I even posted anything but I still decided to give it a try since I already got some followers; it felt supportive. I was surprised to have such a warm welcoming here and it still warms my heart. I still had some moments when I had to hide all my posts since I just couldn't stand my own stuff. Sometimes, it still comes to my mind but I'm doing my best to try to learn to at least tolerate my own creations. I feel sorry for being like this but only if it was easy to get rid of self-hatred... I also just tend to only see all my mistakes I have made when I look at my stuff, all the things I should learn...

But I try to be positive here, even I just tend to see darkness when I think about my own future. I just don't believe in myself... Originally, I didn't wanna be personal here but it just happened when one anon asked me if I had more art to show... I didn't since I have hidden all my old art. I have been on Tumblr for 10+ years but never posted anything until I created this blog. What brought me here was the active Oddworld community, the lovely people here. Even I think dim things about myself like every day, I do appreciate your support! Even I have my own difficulties with believing in that I have any talent/skills, compliments are light to my own dark image of myself.

I'll talk more later on this post but now, I'll show some 3D Molluck stuff and well, talk about Molluck... I show first my first Molluck sculpt I did improve today (yesterday):

I would still say that this is a WIP since well, there do is stuff to improve and do but yeah, I think that it would be wiser to let this be now and redo this since this is done in such an amateur way... There is no way to animate this since its geometry is a nightmare... I was able to rig this a bit when it wasn't so detailed, test out animating it but then, it became impossible. But well, the truth is that I do have still made animations with this despite of that... Frankly, the reason why I created this sculpt was my thirst for Molluck, how much I wish I was able to be with him... But this has helped me out multiple times with my drawings too!

I'm still not totally sure about some things of his anatomy but I have been doing my best to figure it out. I also realize that this sculpt makes Molluck look a bit more muscular/bigger than he is (see his neck and head size) but I have tried my best with fixing this situation since he did look even more bulky back then... The difference ain't too big but well, I do can create my own version of him too! I also see that this ain't 100 % correct when it comes to his face too but I tried my best. I'm still a beginner with 3D stuff, so I didn't use the best methods to do this either... I also feel like I just learned new things about his head when I compared this to the SoulStorm model recently... So yeah, this sculpt is a mixture of SoulStorm model, good ol' concept art of Gluk anatomy and my own adjustments. I only say SoulStorm model because it's based on New 'n' Tasty model, so he probably looks like the same under the suit but yes, that naked Molluck model has been my main reference for his body. The biggest change I have done compared to that has been his hands since I love his hand in that concept art! They are just the best hands, the most beautiful hands I know... But well, his whole body is the most beautiful body, at least for me!

Yeah, I think that I have made it quite clear how much I would love to have him... I already have said it but, he is my only desire... I cannot help myself with that Molluck is 'a perfect man' for me... No one else has felt right for me, there was always something off... But frankly, even I have seen multiple people being thirsty for Molluck, I have seen no one else wanting him like I do... None of that 'spicy' Molluck art I have seen reminds me of mine. It's just interesting how differently I see him since in the others' 'spicy art' Molluck has similar vibe and role... I don't really want Molluck because I have a thirst for him; I only have a thirst for him because I love him and for me, it's about sharing and giving love! I truly wish to make him feel good and loved. I have decided that I don't post my NSFW Molluck content but some cropped stuff but I could still post some suggestive things, though like I have said, I see him from a different perspective than the ones I have seen, with what I mean that he is 'the receiver'. I have just never seen him in this role by the others. I guess that this can explain why I have said that for me, he already has 'the stuff', no need for 'the usual additions'. His body also just feels more 'elegant' when there is no such a thing. This is just my preference, you can have yours. But it's just interesting to see how my way to imagine/see Molluck differs from the others. Though yes, I do remember when that one Molluck ask blog was still active and at least one person asked if Molluck liked things in his ass... Might have been just harassment or no one has just published such a content...

Frankly, I do actually prefer his back view instead of his front view, even I have been drawing it more... It's just that I'm unsure of how to handle nudity here... I don't wanna post his ass in front of the people who don't wanna see it... Nudity is natural for me but I just don't wanna make anyone feel uncomfortable because of my naked Molluck stuff... I just adore his body, so gotta draw it... Man, I would just keep talking how much I love his different body parts but I save you from that...

So, yeah, let's move on! I have already shown this one but I feel like reposting it now:

This is my stylized, simple Molluck model from last summer (2023). It's close to be finished since it's meant to be simple but some details are missing. You might wonder what's this style: Back then, I was inspired by Osamu Sato and his old video game graphics, so I wanted to create something similar to his style. I would like to try to rig this and then try to create more 3D models. Man, I would like to do so much 3D stuff... Oh, and yeah, it would be fun to make a naked version of him with this style too! I just have so much Molluck art ideas inside my head...

Oh, and yeah, I have been thinking for a longer time if I should show this or not but this feels like the right place to do it. So yes, I have created like a year ago a Molluck sim for The Sims 2. I know that it can look odd but he cannot look much better without doing own mods... I don't know how to mod these games but would like to learn it.

But yeah, I pretty muchly abused the face sliders here and did my own textures but also found a cigar for him. I did improve his face over time since I also needed to see how it works in the game. I also needed to lift his face after I found the cigar to place it into his mouth. It's basically only possible to create him to The Sims 2 like this because of the Body Shop is such a great tool and it actually lets you to use those face sliders without a limit: just edit the sim over and over again. Though yes, there is a tool to paint your sim's textures in The Sims 1 but it's such a pain to use... Oh, and you might notice those little dots: I just love to add his nevi to him, like you might have noticed from my drawings!

And yeah, my only reason for creating this Molluck sim was my self-insert stuff, even I do prefer him like he is, not as 'an anthro'... I just crave for this Gluk every day... Well, the good thing is that I'm able to create stuff about him, so I get some help even I know that I'll never get him... Also, even I recently said that marriage feels odd, it has now started to make some sense to me... I mean, I have started to feel alright about it. Maybe it's that my feeling of Molluck being 'the one' for me is getting stronger and stronger or it's a sign of my healing since I have just felt like it's better that no one is bound to me... Maybe it's the both. But despite of this, I still value the friendship the most since it's the strongest relationship type, so when the relationship is based on it, it's stronger than mere romance ect. I don't know if it sounds odd or not but for the first time, I actually feel good about marrying Molluck.

But yeah, this has already been a long post but just wanna say some stuff related to my blog:

I have multiple reasons why I tend to turn reblogs off and it's only for my own mental health, not that I had anything against you. Sometimes, I just kinda hate to see myself posting so actively, so I don't really like to see my stuff on someone else's blog either... I have never really known what to think about reblogs... Also, I don't like some technical things related to them, so it also makes me prefer to have them off. Maybe there somewhere my feeling of that I'm just ruining everything, also this community, affects this too... It's at least one big reason why I don't really interact here, even I would like to.

The truth is that I have never pressed the like button here, even I would have liked to, and it's just because of me feeling like it's better that I'm invisible. I tend to feel ashamed of myself, think that I'm a failure... It's not easy for me to be open and relaxed but I just wish to talk about Molluck so much that this happens... I do have other things in my life too but it's much more difficult for me to talk about them... I just feel like that if I didn't have Molluck, I wouldn't post any content right now, would have disappeared from the Internet. It's like extremely difficult for me to create an online imago, 'sell myself', build a portfolio... It has felt like this is gonna be my doom... My own self-hatred... But I'm still trying my best and going to make a big investment to this stuff this year, so that I can create better 3D stuff and use Unreal Engine. It's just for my future, otherwise I wouldn't feel ready to do it. I'm just trying to believe in myself, even it feels so difficult... I just wanna be honest about what I'm going thru since it affects my content a lot.

I have already written so much, so it's probably the best to end this post. But before that, I do wanna thank for all your support and your understanding, patience... I thought that I would probably be left all alone again after I open up about the hell I have inside my mind, that probably no one actually wants me to be here, like I'm used to think, but I have been wrong. It really touches me that I have been welcomed here and despite of everything, you still wish to support me. It's just about to make me cry, especially when, frankly, suicidal thoughts are quite common for me, been for over a decade. It's just like something daily... I'm so used to it. But something always just tells me not to do it, even I have thought about it like over a thousand times, if not thousands of times... Sometimes, I just think that I should be Molluck's next meat product but in my imagination, he still tells me that he would only lose money if he did that because I'm priceless.

I don't expect that people really read my stuff but I do really appreciate all the time you spend on my stuff since time is valuable! I just kinda need to write this stuff to here since I spend like almost all of my time alone and there somewhere I also wish that all this writing could help the others who also deal with similar mental health problems. I often feel like no healing has actually happened but I see from little things that slow healing is happening, like that I feel now alright about marrying Molluck and it only happened like a few days ago. I'm just starting to find happiness thru Molluck but he alone hasn't still helped me to heal. Even my mind keeps telling me it's a waste to support me and I have difficulties with receiving compliments, all support is still helping me.

Sometimes, I still think about this anon's words from about two years ago: 'I am cheering you and Molluck on and toasting to your brilliance.' The other compliments I have also gotten do also echo inside my head from time to time but I just wanted to say that I would have never imagined something like this to be said to me and these words do really mean a lot to me still. Toasting also just sounded fitting for this anniversary, so even this feels difficult for me, because I suffer from this severe self-hatred, I wish to toast to myself, for keeping going, even it has been so difficult, felt so tempting to end this all... But I wouldn't have still made it this far alone, so thanks for my family, all the lovely people who have supported me thru my life but also OWI for creating Molluck( and Oddworld)! It just feels like a miracle that I'm still here.

~ Much love!

[windvexer]

Spirit advice anon here, typing on mobile and accidentally hit send too early, whoops. (also this became a lot longer of an ask than I thought Le Whoops)

Okay, so baby witch with 0 experience and I live in an old house that was lovingly built by a man for his family back during the great depression, right? I was feeling really sentimental thinking about that yesterday and comparing it to my own family's (much less wholesome) situation and at one point passively thought that it'd be nice to have a family that close and caring, and thought about maybe one day having a spirit friend that could give me that sort of feeling. Again, this was only passive thoughts - no petition or any action from me beyond that.

Cut to last night, I have a dream of the least-horrible parts of my family, dead grandparents in better shape than they've been since I was a child, an estranged sibling, etc. All living in an old family home my mom and uncle had no choice but to sell. I've dreamed of family before, but it's always been a pretty bad one involving members I don't like. This one was really nice though. However, there was someone else in my dream that I thought was an IRL friend from work, who had, let's just say a very *strong* pressence.

When I woke up, still pretty groggy, I turned over in bed and immediately heard (in my head) friend from work, who still feels nearby, call me from behind me. When I try to lift my head, I have the very first episode of sleep paralysis on my life. Again, I had moved my body moments before this, so extra weird. I feel like something's about to happen, but I'm able to break out super quickly. It's about this time that I think to myself "wait a minute, work friend isn't an incorporeal being that can suddenly appear in my room" and start getting weirded out.

Now, while this experience felt 100% different than any weird dreams that I've had before, I still wasn't convinced it wasn't all in my head, so I pulled a couple of tarot cards.

"Did a spirit visit me last night?": 3 of Cups, celebrating your feelings or connections with others

"Okay... what were their intentions?": The Moon, enjoying healthy fantasies and daydreams, practicing magic, embracing the unknown

I'm still not great with tarot, but that all seems pretty clear cut to me.

I understand that I should give them an offering to thank them for reaching out with the nice dream, and probably ask them to not do the sleep paralysis thing again because I did *not* enjoy that. Beyond that, because I was barely ready to start practicing magic at all, let alone with spirits, I feel rather unprepared. Any additional advice you can give me with this information is appreciated.

Hi, Anon. Sorry for the late reply.

This is the only ask I got from you so if you sent a different one, I didn't receive it.

Okay, so baby witch with 0 experience

Welcome

I was feeling really sentimental thinking about [...] Again, this was only passive thoughts - no petition or any action from me beyond that.

You didn't ask, but I'm sure you're aware that petitions or actions aren't required to call to spirits. An earnest desire is often enough to spark action from nearby spirits who are waiting at the veil with bated breath.

Cut to last night, I have a dream of the least-horrible parts of my family, [...]However, there was someone else in my dream that I thought was an IRL friend from work, who had, let's just say a very *strong* pressence.

It may be worthy of consideration that this spirit in the guise of your work friend is not one of your ancestors. I've had spirits (one very important one, actually) show up for me when I started ancestor work, because that was the first time he was able to reach me.

When I woke up, still pretty groggy, I turned over in bed and immediately heard (in my head) friend from work, who still feels nearby, call me from behind me.

Spooky.

I understand that I should give them an offering to thank them for reaching out with the nice dream, and probably ask them to not do the sleep paralysis thing again because I did *not* enjoy that.

If a spirit gave me sleep paralysis, I'm not sure I'd give them an offering.

Beyond that, because I was barely ready to start practicing magic at all, let alone with spirits, I feel rather unprepared. Any additional advice you can give me with this information is appreciated.

Your experience felt like it came on a little strong. It's unusual for people to be thwacked by spirits like that out of the blue. This isn't to say I doubt the veracity of your story, but rather that you might want to consider that you're not dealing with some random household spirit.

If you don't want to talk to or interact with the spirit at this time, you don't have to. If you want to work with spirits at this time, it should be an active choice - not something you fall into by happenstance (or let yourself be pressured into because you don't want to feel mean for not wanting to talk to a spirit who initiated contact).

I highly recommend working wards to protect you during your sleep, and protecting your bedroom/sleeping space as a whole.

When next performing divination, enchant your tools to constrain them to tell the truth (or to prevent the spirit from showing untrue answers).

A person who wants to jump into spirit work with heavy-handed spirits will likely not regret, and might someday be very grateful for, preparing a very stern protective amulet ahead of time to prevent spirits from reaching them. Once enchanted, such an amulet can be kept out of the way until needed.

[mrs-monaghan]

Uhmm he did looked a bit sad when he spoke about JK being busy but usually they don't spent whole bday together anyway. When JM came back in 2019, it was just 2 hours more till his bday is over. Last year, all he got is few hours or even less as he was busy af and went back to work after cake cutting. He wasn't even able to meet RM who's bday is in same month and is living near him. Even if they both are free, after they celebrate with each other they go to their freinds, parents etc. So I don't think not being able to whole day together was his problem.

Maybe he indeed couldn't meet up with JK nor cut the cake with him ? That's why he was sad because even after being in same place they couldn't see each other. Idk shaz I believe what he said. He said he talked to him yesterday. He couldn't even talk to him today nor visit him, if he did he would've mentioned it and it didn't looked like he ommited anything either. Anyway just two more months Jiminie 🥺🥺🥺 after that he'll be probably free. JM will be busy by then but I don't think he'll release new album this year so it will be fine. And I hope they won't enlist this year either. As we only have 4 months left and 2 older members are yet to enlist, Joon already said he's not gonna enlist soon lol.

When JM was preparing his album probably this separation didn't affected him much as he was so invested in FACE but it took a toll on JK. I hope mimi will be able to get through this without getting so sad 🥺

U mentioned 2 birthdays he wasn't there all day out of how many birthdays? Yeah anon, I disagree. Also just coz he made the effort for JK don't mean he was gonna do the same for RM. So again, I disagree.

They were together on JK's birthday and I disagree with anyone who says they weren't. Sorry. Jimin aint missing JK's birthday and JK aint going his birthday without seeing his man. I cannot accept this guys, sorry 😂😂😂

No karaoke? No long live? Couldn't get out of there fast enough? Aaaaaaah... They were together. This is my unshakeable opinion but y'all are free to think what you want. By all means

[iero]

The ticket sales were absolutely a disaster, an absolute let down after seeing how high ticket prices got? wasn't a nosebleed seat listed for like 13k??? that's fucking insane and mcr either didn't look into if they could take measures to prevent that (which i would assume they already know honestly) or just didn't bother to implement them. Woefully disappointed, I was hospitalized when the reunion tour show i had tickets for happened and couldn't even try to get an accessible seat that i need now bc of that hospitalization for this tour :(

Yep. And, their post yesterday was laughable and they were getting ripped to shreds in the comments and I'm sorry to say, but rightfully so. They had a chance to speak out and now that post is just signifying that they've doubled down and are not gonna do a damn thing, saying the shows are "sold out" when upwards of half the seats in the stadiums right now are still on sale at inflated prices... And, I'm loving the fans who are defending them saying "The band couldn't do anything!" Like, sure. A band of their stature cannot do anything... I'm disappointed in the band right now and of course, with this whole ticket buying experience.

I'm sorry to hear about your hospitalization though, anon. I got COVID when I was supposed to do the Philly reunion shows and then got horrible family news when I was in NY for the Brooklyn shows and had to miss the 9/11 show and NJ shows I had tickets for. I'm in the same boat as you which is why I was so hopeful to buy tickets this round. I would love to make up for what I missed. But, nonetheless, I hope you're okay! If you try for resale when it gets to an acceptable price should I say, I hope you are able to get that accessible seat(s) you need! :)

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Hi, i am sorry if that'll get a bit longer but i need to get this off my shoulders. There should be no triggers.

I was wondering for years if i have head mates, some symptoms suggesting yes, but not clear enough for me. Then i read about osdd-1b, the way that the non-amnesia manifested for one system and they said "i got out of an amnesia and got the information what happened during that time right into my brain like a script" and that is literally what has happened to me. But only once, as far as i am aware, and that was 10 years ago. I was always carefully talking to potential head mates (or to myself, i mean, if you talk to your inner self or a mate doesn't really matter, it felt good) but always with the thought of "i am not sure, time will tell". And it does feel like sometimes there are people listening, sometimes more people, sometimes less, but i never got any clear enough (for my peace of mind) feedback. Until yesterday. So i was watching this new series and there was this character who shook something in me. Who was like some part in me, by the looks but even more by behavior and thoughts. I had dreams about this behavior in the past, which really made me euphoric in that dream and really confused me when awake, because it was so not-me like. I can't explain the "me but not me" thing very well, sorry. Also, it is not about anything violent or so, i just try to keep this short.

Then i wrote down in my diary what i thought about that and idk it didn't really feel like i was writing anymore at some point (and my hand was shaking so much that i will never be able to decipher this, lol). So i tried to "get in contact" today again, and it didn't really work. Which is as usual, but now i am at a point where i really have to ask myself, what if i am wrong? What if the symptoms are because of some other illness or just random (since nothing was really an exclusive symptom), and if i believe too much in it and interpret symptoms according to my beliefs?

At what point can i say "Well, that wasn't true"? And will i belief it then?

Can you give me some advice?

Hi anon,

It is not up to me to tell you whether or not your experiences are due to having a dissociative disorder or not, as you would know that better than anyone else - it's your mind and your experience.

As someone who was recently diagnosed with OSDD, it is absolutely normal to fluctuate between feeling alone in your mind and feeling the presence of others. It's normal to question whether or not your experiences are truly due to OSDD, even after diagnosis. It's normal to wonder if you're trying to convince yourself that what you're experiencing is OSDD, even if that truly is the case. It's normal for certain parts to resonate with characters and use them to shape or define themselves. It's normal to hear silence when trying to communicate internally.

Something that has really helped me is to remind myself not to think about it too hard - in other words, it's okay if you're wrong about having OSDD, you're just trying to figure out what's going on inside your mind and there's nothing wrong with that. Especially because dissociative disorders are so stigmatized, it's hard to not immediately label or question experiences. But I've personally found, in having OSDD, that my system functions and communicates best when I let things exist how they are, without trying to ask myself if this is OSDD or potentially another condition.

If anyone else would like to offer their thoughts or reassurance, please feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Grief in all its Strangeness

Heyyyy so today has not been a great day. I was wondering if you could write something for Merlin or maybe the Avengers about that feeling when someone has died (by suicide, but you can ignore that if you'd like (you can ignore this whole ask if you'd like)) and you didn't actually know them, or even interact with them ever but you crossed paths occasionally and now they're gone and it just feels wrong. And somehow you also feel guilty? Idk. Your stories are always a comfort for me :) – anon

Read on Ao3

Warnings: suicide, one of the knights (not a main character) commits suicide offscreen, it is not shown/recounted but the fic revolves around the grief after the incident

Pairings: gen

Word Count: 2146

One of the knights is dead.

Merlin didn't know it at first; that would explain why he'd barged into Arthur's chambers and been surprised that the Prince was already out of bed—granted, not dressed and out of bed, but out of bed nonetheless—and why Arthur had been even snappier with him than normal. And it wasn't one of those 'fun' snappy moods either, the ones where Arthur's getting a bit overwhelmed with the pressures of being a prince and all that came with it, and he needed to mess around or he'd go insane—Morgana's words, not Merlin's. No, this was one of the moods where Merlin figured out he needed to put his head down and get out before it escalated to one of them saying something they really didn't mean.

He finds out from Lancelot what's happened.

"One of the newest knights was found yesterday," Lancelot says, taking Merlin off to a side corridor where no one ventures often, his hands hidden beneath the swaths of red fabric and his voice too low to tremble, "I imagine the Prince is taking it harder than most."

"Why would Arthur be taking it harder?"

"This knight was one of the youngest Camelot ever trained. And he was found with…" Lancelot's breath stutters and he quickly coughs. "It's quite obvious what he died from. Why he died."

Oh.

Oh.

"Oh, no," Merlin mumbles as Lancelot nods solemnly, "I'm—I'm so sorry."

"Thank you," for how could Lancelot not be grieving too? "I—hh. It was a surprise, to be sure. It seemed like he was…well, like he was fine. I suppose we never really know for sure, do we?"

Merlin nods. His head spins with the idea of one of Camelot's knights, his body found by his brothers-in-arms, and then not even able to find the thing that killed him because, well…

"I don't mean to muddy your day with—"

"You're not muddying anything," Merlin interrupts quickly, "I asked, you told me. Thank you. And, um, I'm sorry for your loss too."

Lancelot smiles ruefully, nodding once more and clapping his hand against Merlin's shoulder. As he turns to walk away, Merlin's hand shoots out and grabs his wrist. He stops, turning back, and Merlin swallows.

"You've got me," he says in a rush, "you—you know you've always got me, right?"

Lancelot's brow furrows for a moment, before realization dawns and his mouth opens a few times, trying to form words. Merlin just stares at him, waiting, until another smile forms on his face, sweeter than the last.

"I do," he says, stepping back into Merlin's space and taking Merlin's arm too, "of course, I do."

"Right."

"Right."

"Is this—do knights hug, or—?"

And he actually gets Lancelot to chuckle as he opens his arms, letting Merlin give him a hug and whispering another thank you into the space between them before he pulls away. He watches Lancelot walk away, red cloak billowing out behind him, and looks down at his own ruddy hands to see the calluses and blisters that have started to show a similar color.

That does explain why Arthur was in a mood, and despite himself, Merlin feels a pang of sympathy for him. It was one thing to be a knight right now, he supposes, to have lost one of your brothers, but quite another to be the Prince: responsible for his training, for him, and still for the rest, and not able to talk to anyone. For who could Arthur talk to who would listen? The other knights—well, if they could get over the power imbalance between knight and prince, that would be miracle enough. Then there might be those who blame Arthur for the knight's death, or who could be placed in an equally volatile situation. And none of the other nobles would have the same emotional weight that Arthur would, he was the only one who was a knight, who trained and lived and breathed with them.

And the King…

The day Uther Pendragon cares about something, not as an extension of himself, but for it and it alone, Merlin will walk into the lake and never emerge again.

So: who does Arthur have? Well, he has Merlin.

Not that Arthur would ever really admit it, not in front of anyone in any way that matters, but he does have Merlin. And so, Merlin will be there for him, in any way he can.

He orders Arthur's favorite foods from the kitchens for dinner. It's a massive platter—but then again all of Arthur's meals tend to be—and he staggers into the wall a fair few times going up the stairs, but he gets it on the table before Arthur can look up from his desk. He turns his back and picks up another chore before Arthur can see what he's done, scrubbing at a determined spot on Arthur's gauntlet.

He keeps his ears pricked for the pause in the scritch-scratch of Arthur's quill, waiting until he can peek over his shoulder at the scrape of Arthur's chair.

"Merlin."

"Mm?"

"These are…" Arthur clears his throat. "Thank you."

Merlin hides a smile. "You're welcome. Figured you'd be hungry."

"You saying I'm fat?"

"I'm saying that it must take a lot of energy to do all that work without taking a break."

A soft huff but it's a laugh—he made Arthur laugh, just a little. He looks over his shoulder again and sees the remnants of a smile on Arthur's face as he tucks into his dinner, and he allows his own to bloom again as he goes back to scrubbing at the metal. Arthur's chambers fade back into the quiet sounds of their coexisting as Merlin's hands go bright with exertion, until everything gets suspiciously quiet and he turns just in time to catch a roll of bread flying at his face.

"Oi!"

"Thought you looked a bit peckish," Arthur grins, getting up and going back to his desk, and Merlin gnaws off a bite and sweeps the crumbs onto an empty plate.

This…this he can do.

He doesn't order Arthur's favorite every time, but he makes sure he orders the things that he likes. He does his worst chores when Arthur isn't in the room, or at least keeps the obnoxious ones to a minimum and makes deals with the other servants to have them taken care of while they're out during the day. He plays the fool, the jester, the easy target when he needs to, and if he can send Arthur off to bed with a smile more nights than not, he counts that as a win.

It's not…easy to check in on the knights as well, but it's easier than it should be. Arthur trains the knights, after all, and Merlin would be lying if he said he hadn't noticed the way he's being a little softer, a little kinder with them in the wake of the death that's occurred. A few of the senior knights lend themselves to their brothers as well—he sees Lancelot comforting two squires who have tears in their eyes, he sees one of the sword-master's regular demonstration partners speaking softly to a young knight whose hands won't stop trembling, he sees Leon holding who he later learns was the knight's beloved, letting him cry into his shoulder without saying a word.

He happens upon the three of them in the armory later that evening and wordlessly returns with a tankard of the finest wine he can lay his hands on, three goblets, and a small plate of pastries. He doesn't speak to the third knight, but both Leon and Lancelot find him the next day and pass on their thanks. After that, well, it becomes a habit to walk past the armory to see if there's anyone else waiting there.

He's thinking about how many plates of cinnamon pastries he'll have to ask the baker for when Gaius yells in shock and he looks down to see he's burned his hand.

Gaius frets and scolds him for not paying more attention as he carefully wraps up his hand, but Merlin can't stop looking at the red, red, red skin beneath the sickly pale bandages. He doesn't pick at it, but he tugs them down just enough so he can see the bright color again. Arthur gives him a curious look when he sees the wrappings and he mumbles some excuse about being clumsy that Arthur laughs at. He finds himself looking at it throughout the day, the bright red skin.

It is a strange thing to be surrounded by grief.

Merlin didn't know this knight. He didn't know their name—well, he knew their name now, his name was Larkin—he didn't know what he liked to do in his spare time, he didn't know his favorite food, he didn't know what Larkin wanted out of life. And yet as he watches the knights grieve, watches Arthur grieve, his chest fills with a selfish desire to know, so that he might grieve too.

The first time that thought crosses his mind, he balks at it. Who is he to wish for grief? Who is he to want to steal the pain of others and hoist it onto his own shoulders? Is it not enough that he is here for the ones he does know, the ones he does care about, while they grieve in their own ways?

The burn blisters.

He thinks of Larkin, cold in the middle of the night. He thinks of his body on a smoldering pyre. He thinks of the acrid smoke in his throat and eyes. He thinks of Freya at the bottom of an endless ocean.

He thinks of his own shaking hands, red and blistered, and spends a thoughtless night awake and alone in the dark, staring unseeing at his own grief.

Distantly, he realizes that this is selfish too, in its own way. If he should mourn, should he not mourn this loss? Why is he mourning a loss that could only be his own, when he could make his suffering communal? But he could no more wish his own grief away than he could unburn his hand, which aches and itches under the bandages as it glows red and warm. He thinks of the strange numbness in his gut when he sees the knights grieve, and of the burning guilt in his chest that no one else shares his.

He lets Gaius change his bandages and goes up to Arthur's chambers.

When he opens the door, Leon and Lancelot up from their seats at the table and he instantly turns, going to fetch the mead, the ale, the wine, but Arthur's voice stops him.

"Merlin, come sit."

Merlin sits. Leon looks at him for a moment, then down to his hand, and holds out his own. After a moment, Merlin lets him have it, the other clenching in his lap at the twinges as Leon examines the burn.

"Nasty thing," he says quietly, "how did it happen?"

"Wasn't paying attention. Got distracted."

Leon hums, looking back up, but he doesn't let go of his hand. Merlin's brow furrows, mouth opening to ask what's happening, when there comes a knock at the door. On instinct, he rises to answer, but Leon's hold keeps him seated as Lancelot goes instead. He returns with a platter of baked apples, still slightly bubbling, and Merlin's eyes widen. Over the last of the steam, he sees Arthur smile just a little, coming to sit across from him. He feels Lancelot's hand settle in the crook of his shoulder, still slightly warm from handling the platter.

"We're here for you too," he says softly, and Merlin's eyes fill with unshed tears.

Arthur's chair scrapes across the floor. His boots thud as he rounds the table and strong hands pull Merlin up from the chair and into a solid chest. The wind leaves him at the sudden rush of solidwarmArthur around him and the gasp jars the tears from his eyes. The last thing he smells before his nose closes is the slightly toasted spice of the apples and the faint trace of polish from Arthur's armor. Arthur's chin hooks over his shoulder.

"Go on," he murmurs, "it's okay."

Grief is still strange to Merlin. Comfort doesn't have to be.