#sorry for vent posting ive just been going through it lately. i blame it on my contract ending/big life change

[bobmckenzie]

one of those days where everything sucks and I just wish bob was here

[dukeofonions]

hi so i.found ur blog and its honestly like a breath of fresh air to look at so if its ok i might just fuckin,,vent here.

so. ik a lot of other people have been talking abt how pof was really straining to watch and i am.very late to the party but i need to talk abt it bcz holy fuck. when i first watched it i was in a way better place mwntally, also the general excitement of wow,content kinda overrode the headache and the eye hurty and the just. bad. but i was rewatching it recently because i was basing a fic off it and i just. i couldnt finish it because all of it was just so much and there was no fuckin warning?? so that was pog ig

next thing because i have. a lot of thoughts. ive been in the fandom for not-very-long, i joined in the middle of 2019 or something.and it just kinda sucks because im only still here for the fandom. i love the series but i can only watch dwit and compilations of logan/roman being sad so much before i can basically recite them off the top of my head. but i reallyreally love writing for the fandom!! it makes me so happy to do the writing, its just the fact that im not as invested with the series that makes me feel,,idk man guilty ig?? anyway thats too deep for a rant so im.a move on

god so tw me not liking post aa virgil and me talking abt toxic friends but hoooly fuck man. i just. pre aa virgil was fun because he was snarky and sarcastic and i could actually stand the nagst because his character made sense?? he was the 'bad guy' and he wasnt as woobified back then and he was honestly a solid vibe. but post aa virgil gives off the vibe of that one friend who fuckin, gets angry at you when you bring up any of your mental health issues and then blames their outburst on their mental health issuea and its like?? no i hate that character dynamic. people say bad things when the feel bad, sure, ik i have, but its the vibe of 'im gonna threaten you and then blame it on my mental health but if you so much as look at me wrong while ur having sensory overload or something i will smite you with the force of one thousand suns' and i am just.so tired. also ithink someone else said this but we should just call the series 'virgil sanders and the rest' because thats what it is now ksbdjqkbsq

also (all ofthese are my opinions btw and im not trying to say im rigbt im just tired honestly) the way. in pof the way patton's whole thing is 'you need empathy' is not funky fresh for both people with low empathy and high empathy 😎 bcz ppl with too much/too little empathy are always told theyre 'cold' or that theyre 'oversensitive', the whole 'there is an average amount of empathy and if u dont have that fuck you actually' is icky and bad and gross. i do think patton's character is really well done in the series but that episode jjust personally. ick.

and finally the moment uve not been waiting for bcz this is probably really tiring to read but the moment youve been waiting for-fwsa.just. why. its cute and stuff and i love nico. nico is a vibe. also bathroom man john is great. but shouldnt roman still be on shit terms with thomas?? like lk we're just gonna sweep away the whole 'i thought i wad ur hero' shizz? cool cool, glad to know romans arc still aint happening. also i get it, we needed to cement that virgil is a light side now. but like..did we?? actually bcz this is so long im gonna send in a second ask (im sososorry if this clogs up ur ask box if u tell me to stop i will i just. many thoughts) abt how even though i hate virgil, his arc should have been done. so differently. just gonna put like,, a mushroom emoji here so u can put the 2 asks together if u want 🍄

You’re always free to vent here! Sorry it took so long to respond but life has a cruel habit of getting in the way of things I need to do. 

So for starters, the POF problem should be talked about more so I can assure you that you’re not late to the party. It never really got the amount of attention it deserved so I am more than willing to bring that back up and trust me, you’re not alone. 

And again, you’re not alone in this either! Plenty of people still enjoy creating content for these characters. You don’t have to feel guilty for not finding the actual series interesting because honestly, I’m kinda losing interest too. But I still love these characters and I love that the fandom is still creating stories with them through different mediums.

Honestly I agree with just about everything you said about Virgil and I do eventually plan on tackling a lot of this in a future post. You know, if I ever force myself to just sit down and write the dang thing... 

Oh my gosh I’ve been waiting for someone to talk about this because that whole thing about empathy in POF really ticked me off because you’re absolutely right, not everyone is 100% empathetic, and some people can be empathetic to a point where it hurts themselves. Like I get what they were trying to say but it came across as, well, like you said. “If you’re don’t have this exact level of empathy then eff you I guess you’re a bad person.” Maybe that actually wasn’t their intention but it sure came across that way and maybe I’ll go into it a little more in another post because now that I’ve been reminded of it again I kinda wanna talk about it more. 

Okay yes, FWSA on its own is a good episode. Heck, it’s one of my favorites. It feels closer to a season one episode than ATHD that’s for sure. The problem with this episode isn’t the quality but the fact that it comes right after POF. And I’ve basically gone over this in my “Problem With Asides” post and how it affects both Roman and Virgil’s current arcs so I won’t go into much more detail here but just know that I pretty much agree with all of this. 

Also don’t worry about cluttering up my inbox. It’s here for people to share their thoughts and that’s exactly what you’re doing! Hope to see your part two soon mushroom anon! 

[merryfortune]

Day 3 / Water

Clover and Violets 2021

Ship: not applicable | Merag/Rio

Universe: ZeXal

Word Count: 1,069

Rating: T

Tags: Not Canon Compliant, Post Canon, Selfcest

   Rio hadn’t been feeling like herself as of late.

   She couldn’t describe it. It was just an emptiness. Like she was missing something, like she was the proverbial glass of water now half empty. 

   Logically, Rio knew that because a lot had happened as of late, she was going to need some time to replenish. After her stay in the hospital after her loss to IV, she knew that very well but she was stubborn. She liked to be in control and on top of things, busy and hands on and lately, she had been anything but. She felt dragged through the mud. Lethargic.

   Even just getting out of bed was a pain but she was dying of thirst.

   The halls of her childhood had always been lonesome, ever since the accident, but it somehow felt worse as of late as Ryouga wasn’t even the same. He didn’t feel the same emptiness that she felt ever since the crescendo of the war between the Barians and the Astral Beings that they had become embroiled into as the crown jewels.

   She just wanted to be her own person again. Like before she had found out about Merag and her previous life and whatever her connection to that girl Iris was. It was all so confusing. She just wanted to feel at home with her own self, her own heart, and her own soul again but instead, she was in a fugue state. Trying to understand where she began and if her previous lives had ever truly ended.

   At least the process of walking down the hallway, going to the kitchen, and pouring out ice cold water into a glass so that she had something to drink was easy. In theory at least. At least easier than trying to unravel the mysteries of time and space and how they intersected with her.

   But that didn’t stop her from dropping her glass of water at her door. 

   So close but so far, it appeared. She sucked in a breath of air and frustration vented through her body in her veins with the fresh breath. She scolded herself for being clumsy and the searing self-loathing was the most she had felt in what seemed like weeks.

   Rio reached out and she turned on a light. She felt the water pool at her feet and it was too cold, even through the buffer of her bed socks and slippers. She looked down at the mess she had made. The pooling water seeped through shards of glass and over her floorboards. It wouldn’t be that hard to mop up, she looked around and stepped aside from the puddle. She had a spare face cloth somewhere, that would work and she knew that should be a dustpan and brush somewhere.

   As she put her mind to cleaning up her mess, she felt that emptiness from before recede. It was as though Rio were welling up with something. She didn’t feel akin to how she felt before the accident that left her with burns nor before learning of the Barian World but she was starting to feel whole again.

   Rio got to her knees and she started to pick out glass from the puddle. Wanting to be rid of it before she started mopping up the puddle itself. She felt relatively lucky that her glass had split into big chunks, there weren’t many small shards or anything else. When she fished out what appeared to be the last of the glass, she put down her cloth only to stop. To blink.

   She saw herself in the puddle. Well, not herself. Her reflection. And not truly her reflection either. She saw her Other Self in the puddle and it mystified her. She stared.

   “Merag…?” Rio murmured.

   The name of her Barian self felt wrong and clunky on her tongue. In her mouth. It was weird and wrong to address herself like she was someone else but this was someone else whom she was staring into the eyes of.

   Merag’s mouthless face was sharp and angular, like the facets of a perfectly cut jewel. Her eyes glowed magenta. 

   “Rio…”

   She blinked. She was harrowed surely not. This was ridiculous. This couldn’t be-

   Rio laughed. How dare she deny the gravity of the situation when she was living proof of far more absurd things.

   Merag’s eyes softened and she spoke, “Oh, Rio, I’ve waited so long to see you.”

   The dribbling trails of the pooled water began to quiver. Began to rise off the floorboards in tendrils and solidified. Turned to ice. And a sculpture of Merag appeared before Rio. 

   Rio watched intently as such peculiar things happened. Oh, it was like a dream but it was nothing like a dream as well as she stared down the Barian whom she used to be. Whom she was. But only sort of for she was all ice. She wasn’t the magical, spatial energy which Barians were made of. She was incomplete in this opaque, icy state.

   Still, it fascinated Rio to see herself from someone else’s perspective: her own. She admired all the angles of Merag’s body and wanted to get to know her more from this perspective, both familiar and alien.

   “How are you…?” Rio tried to ask.

   “A side effect of being released from Vector, perhaps?” Merag shrugged. “I’m just so happy to see you, Rio, oh I’m so sorry. If it weren’t for me-”

   “Sh, shh, its fine.” Rio murmured. “I don’t blame you for what happened.”

   “Thank you, you are too kind.” Merag could have sobbed but she remained strong, if only for Rio.

   “Is there something I can…?” Rio’s voice trailed off.

   “To help me?” Merag finished her question for her.

   Rio nodded and hummed. 

   “There is.” Merag replied.

   She leaned in and elucidated Rio without wasting a second. She kissed where Rio’s mouth should have been and where hers should have been. Merag closed her eyes, thanking Rio profusely. Rio kept her eyes open in shock: both physical, Merag was ice cold, but mental too because how strange it was to kiss one’s self without a mirror. But with that kiss, like a fairy tale, Merag was brought to life completely. 

   She became her own self separate from Rio, like water from a pitcher shared between two glasses, though their souls. Their souls still connected but not with reincarnation but something else. Something like love.

[wmhalliwell]

Hi! I saw your kissing post prompt list and cannot resist! How about 12 for Murphy & Raven/Murven of The 100 if that works for you? Honestly I'd take a story with any one of those prompts for them, though! Thanks!

Send me an OTP and a number!

Thanks for the prompt! Instead of a short ficlet you got a full fic that got out of hand haha hope you like it! :)

AU scene from 5x04 on Eligius IV

The cryo pods popped open and they both knew that it wouldn’t take much time for the prisoners to open the door and swarm the ship. They were two against an army. They ran and, like second nature, Murphy made sure that Raven kept up with him because he’d be damned if he’d let her be left behind. The Murphy of seven years ago definitely would have thrown anyone under the bus to save his ass, but not now, not Raven.

Shoes skidded across the cold, hard floor as they stumbled into the bridge. Murphy slammed his hand down on the button to close the door and Raven limped to the control panel to try to figure out how to lock it all down. There was nothing to be done about the risen prisoners, no way to take them out without also taking the two of them down too.

Raven thought of that; she thought of cutting life support, but they hadn’t explored enough to know if there were suits and oxygen tanks on board and they didn’t have the time to check.

“Dammit,” she exclaimed, slamming her hand down. She could lock the door to the bridge, but if just one of the prisoners knew the right code, they could input it from the corridor’s side and she wouldn’t be able to keep them out. “How much time do we have?”

Murphy, halfway to Raven’s side, spun around and peered out the small window in the door. “Not long. A minute or two.” Tearing himself away, he hovered beside Raven as she leaned over the controls and worked her digital magic.

“There’s nothing I can do from here,” she said finally, fear creeping up the back of her throat. “If we cut life support…”

“What?” Murphy recognized the look on her face as something clicked in her head, emphasized by how her fingers suddenly began moving in a flurry of movement. A bang against the bridge door caught his attention. The first prisoner who woke up went instantly into kill-mode and Murphy wasn’t looking forward to facing a whole hoard. His odds of survival were too low for his liking.

“If I can just….if I can isolate the bridge, I can cut the system in the rest of the ship and hopefully…” She paused and gnawed on her bottom lip, undisturbed by the muffled yells and bangs from the prisoners.

“Hopefully?” The end crept into his head. This could be it. Six years in space and instead of dying with solid land under his feet and the sun on his face he was going to bite it on an ancient mining ship, torn to bits by psychotic murderers and rapists and who the fuck knew what else.

“I don’t know this ship as well as the Ring,” Raven confessed, though her voice stayed strong and confident. She was forever positive that she could find a solution to everything, even if she hadn’t been able to find a way to Earth in the past six years. It dulled her ability to believe in herself, but now that lives were on the line, she was back to blissful confidence.

“So our chances of surviving are what? Fifty-fifty?”

Raven shrugged as someone outside the door barked in a commanding voice. If whoever that was knew the code to get inside, they’d be done for. “If it doesn’t work, it’s a quiet death where we fall asleep and never wake up or…whatever those guys have in mind.”

As two people who had been mercilessly tortured on multiple occasions, they weren’t looking forward to going through that again.

“Okay,” Murphy nodded. Simple as that. He wasn’t here for himself or for Emori, he was here for Raven. “I trust you.”

Surprised, Raven looked over at him. As much as he’d said some stupid shit lately, he was still here, owning up to his decision to stay. It was entirely unrealistic that John Murphy would take responsibility for anything, always pawning off consequences of his actions on other people, but this time, she believed it. “If we keep the life support off too short of a time, they’ll still be conscious. If we leave it off too long, they’ll…” She shifted her eyes away from his and to the screen to whisper out the last word, “die.”

His hand fell on top of hers. “I’ll do it.”

“Murphy…”

“I said I would. Just tell me what to do. And if we die…you can blame me,” he tried to joke, though the brief smiles on both of their faces were small and forced.

The system was older than that on the Ark, but Raven had done all the hard work already. “Push this,” she pointed to a button that would be the number 2 if it hadn’t been smudged off, “and then this.” A larger rectangular button on the right side.

“Just like that?”

She nodded, clenching her hand into a fist beneath his warm palm. If these were going to be her last few minutes alive, she wanted them to pause so she could enjoy the last few minutes of human sensory stimulation. Warm hands and heavy breathing from the run and the indescribable feeling of being next to another living human being.

But they didn’t have time. There was a hiss as the bridge door threatened to open. If it opened, they’d be screwed.

“Now!” Raven squeaked and Murphy pressed the buttons. Alarms sounded, lights and sounds, warning of the loss of life support systems.

There was nothing to do now. Either it worked or it didn’t. With a sigh, Raven sat on the floor, resting her back against the support for the control panel, eyes turned to the door which thankfully stayed closed. Murphy slid down next to her.

“That should have shut off the systems and vented oxygen out of an airlock,” she said, hoping explaining things would dissipate her worry that she’d miscalculated something. “We should be safe in here as long as the seal on the door wasn’t broken.”

“And if it was?”

“Oxygen will slowly leak out of the room. We should look for oxygen tanks and space suits just in case.”

Murphy heaved himself to his feet. “I’ll look.”

She didn’t complain or suggest she look with him. The running earlier had done a number on her leg. She was stronger than before, her muscles kept in shape by training with Echo, but that wouldn’t repair her leg, no matter how much she wanted it to. Just one day with no pain would be a blessing.

She kept her eyes on the door and glanced at Murphy’s form as he searched along the walls for anything that could help. He returned with one long and thin can of oxygen. He handed it to her before settling down next to her once again. “It has a valve but I couldn’t find any mouthpieces.”

“If we need to, we can let some out but it won’t buy us much time.” Raven shivered as the air got cooler. She set aside the oxygen canister.

“How do we turn the systems back on?” Murphy asked after a long silence passed. They both had their arms wrapped around themselves, trying to hold in any heat they could. “Can we turn it back on?”

Raven nodded and slowly stood, her leg brace stiff. She sat in the low chair and Murphy scooted over to stay close. Neither of them were putting off much body heat, but it was the thought that counted. “It should be um…” She frowned as her vision blurred for a moment. Okay, not a good sign, but she shook her head anyway and focused. Her hands moved across the freezing keypad. She waited for the red alarm sections of the screen to go green. “It should be easy.”

She stayed quiet for a little while longer. “Actually it should have restarted by now,” she said in a whisper.

Murphy tilted his head back and raised his eyebrows. “Great,” he drawled in that specific tone of his.

Raven frowned. “I set it to stay off for a certain amount of time before rebooting but it’s not doing it.” She used what little strength she had and angrily kicked the underside of the control panel, the vibrations felt by Murphy. “How are you feeling?”

“Cold. Tired. Not the worst way to go,” he murmured as Raven left her useless post to sit next to him. Their shoulders pressed together.

“Maybe…maybe it’ll just take a little longer,” Raven said optimistically. All of her previous confidence flooded out of her. Of course she couldn’t get them down to Earth and of course she miscalculated with this system and killed all of them. She squeezed her eyes shut, tears clinging to her eyelashes. “I’m sorry.”

“Raven.” Frost had yet to build around them yet, but everything about them was cold, including his hand against her equally chilled face.

She leaned into his touch, eyes open and surrounded by crystallizing tears, and found his other hand with both of hers. “Murphy,” she whispered, her voice hoarse as most of her body’s hydration was sucked away by the cold. “Kiss me.” It was a statement and a question and a plea and honestly she didn’t want to die at all but she definitely didn’t want to die feeling so alone.

Maybe it was the lack of oxygen or the cold or maybe with death on the horizon, the prospect of dying without ever kissing Raven was unappealing. It didn’t matter the case, because he did it anyway, closing the small amount of space between their faces. Nothing about them was warm, but Raven’s lips were still soft and Murphys hand on her face was a comfort.

And while it was tinged in death and sadness and regrets, the kiss was still nice.

There as nothing left to do but wait for the inevitable. Raven kept her hands around Murphy’s and used his shoulder as a pillow. Eventually their breathing slowed even more and their eyes fell shut and it was the end.

Until warmth seeped in, slowly easing life back into Eligius IV like a lazy Sunday morning.

[declonius]

fuck it this is a call out post @ Tree

Hey guys, just remember everyone has different ways of coping with their problems. So never assume things, bc you think you may be helping but really your friend with a BFRB pulls out all the hair on their head till their scalp bleeds. here are some things I’m going to adress.

Calling me Over 3 Times a day: I’m not your therapist. Stop treating me like one. “I don’t want solutions, i just want you to listen” I cannot do it dude. I have my own problems to deal with. 

Using mental health as an excuse: You cannot use your mental heath as an excuse for important things. You know what I’m talking about.

Just a big old fuck you: Don’t you ever tell me or anyone else that we should believe a victim of sexual abuse. You know DAMN WELL that you said that in front of two victims. Who are (were) your best friends!! You KNOW the cops said the same thing when I was questioned. You’re a trash human for that.

Forcing your coping skills on to me: I do not like to talk to people about my problems bc I will cry and cant say what I want. I like to write them out on my private twitter where only a select (1) person can see. I vent my frustration, and know someone will see it. You on the other hand will keep talking and repeating what you say over and over and over again. I try to tell you solutions to your problems but you don’t do shit about it. You don’t do any of your coping skills, and just use your friends to vent.

Just being mean at this point: I got kicked out of my home, and you and kiba were kind enough to let me in. You blamed all of your problems with kiba on me for a month. I helped you through your problems, visited you in the hospital, and helped you through your break up. You know we got into a car crash, and that our work schedules wouldn't work, so THAT is why i only worked for a week, and only 3 hours a night bc i got VTO’d. So you can stfu about that. 

Whining to our mutual friends: You were not kicked off the discord, I deleted it! Also, don’t start talking shit about shisui like that. They have been nothing but nice to the both of us. Also kiba was not an abuser, you guys just weren't a good match and kinda unhealthy together. They did not limit the foods you could eat, they just asked you not to eat them if you were gonna kiss them BC THEY HAVE STOMACH PROBLEMS. You were so bad with talking to me constantly that Iruka had to send you a post telling you to back the fuck off.

The phone call at 1 am...then a like 8am....and 9am...and 10 am..and 11am..: I stayed up late that night, and didn't fall asleep till 5am. I had to wake up at 7 am and take my brother to school. I left my phone in the car and clocked out till 1pm. I woke up and found 6 unread messages, passive agressive ones too. Finally after talking to OUR friends and showing them a picture of my scalp THEY decided to talk to you about the problem.

In conclusion, you can take your bitch ass vent posts and boohoo to people who don’t know the whole story all you want. Just know that your problems arent the only ones in the world. “...Makes me feel like im a burden bc of my anxiety...” “Ive been having anxiety attacks” Sorry to break it to you but we have almost the same illnesses. We both have PTSD, Anxiety, and Depression. I have OCD and ICD on top of it. “all ready fed up with him and blocked him..” How come im the bad guy for blocking you BC I WAS ACTUALLY HARMING MY BODY but you’re fine for blocking me??? Also Shisui, and Iruka are being really nice for still talking to you, so stop vagueing them on vent.

[jolteonjordansh]

Alright, I have to make a vent on some opinions that I have really been trying to hold back just to have less ranting/venting on this blog altogether. But at this point, the issue is bothering me so much that I cannot stand it anymore. You can call me petty over it if you want, but...

I am so tired of all of the speculation and ridiculous hype over Pokémon on Switch and the franchise in general.

This isn't me saying speculation is bad. It's harmless fun. But it's become particularly bad this year. Every day, some new rumor pops up about Pokémon on Switch. Every day, people start getting mindlessly hyped over potential or even likely fakes and rumors, spreading misinformation everywhere, getting people all psyched up for "that new Pokémon Direct happening tomorrow!!!!!!!", which then never happens. And then people whine and complain. It's an endless cycle of excitement and disappointment and it's kind of obnoxious when I see people going on about rumors as if they're 100% true and I swear, so few people have any idea what it means to take things "with a grain of salt" and just take every freaking rumor as true. We're literally almost just four months into the year and I have seen more rumors and videos about rumors and whatnot in that timespan than I have my entire time being part of the fandom on the internet to now--which was before Generation IV started. 10+ years of being in this spiral of a fandom and I have never seen so much insane hype over a game we literally know nothing about and so people just grasp onto more or less completely baseless rumors just for any form of excitement in their lives.

I know I sound like a really grouchy and "no fun allowed" person. I don't have a problem with people making harmless speculations or just having fun. There are a lot of young kids in this fandom after all, but there are also plenty of grown adults. When a majority start taking rumors as almost facts and start spreading around tons of misinformation, it starts to get really tiring. We could be more than several months off from Pokémon on Switch--maybe even more than a year--and I'm so drained because of all of this. I have almost no excitement for the game at all, not even as a concept anymore. I really don't care anymore. At this point, part of me wants the game to just release already so people will finally shut up, but here's the thing, and it's something I've noticed that's become a lot worse in recent years:

Even when we get a new Pokémon game, fans immediately start begging for the next one. They are never satisfied. I get that the 3DS generations were weird and bumpy for a lot of people (myself included, though I enjoyed some as much as I could and do legitimately like Generation VII a lot), but people go on and on about it as if we never get any new Pokémon and they're like starved animals waiting for so much as a bone. I’m not speaking for every Pokémon fan here, but this feels like the majority from my experience.

I think there are a lot of factors to this. There's a good majority that felt the 3DS generations were disappointing, the inflation of mediocre F2P Pokémon spin-offs rather than a lot of the actual full-fledged ones we used to get might be making these time spans feel a lot longer, but also I feel TPCi dug their own graves with this one. Particularly with Generation VII, TPCi practically lives off of hype culture. They were releasing new trailers every couple of weeks, ultimately not only revealing practically every new Pokémon but even spoiled post-game content, pretty much leaving almost no surprises in the end, all to get people excited.

I know I sound like a whiny person. "Let the people have their fun! They're not hurting anyone! You're just being boring!". I get it. But I feel this kind of behavior is really toxic because when you take speculation and hype to this level, and then people finally get their new game and it's nothing like what they were told based on the rumors on the internet or they got overexcited over some news only to be disappointed by the facts, they get so needlessly angry over it, as if it's Game Freak's fault that rumors on the internet were wrong and they didn't get the game they were expecting. As if it's Game Freak's fault that people got themselves overhyped. I'm not white-knighting Game Freak here, oh no. I have plenty of things I could go on about with their choices and decisions, especially lately. But people really only have themselves to blame when they buy into rumors and then they end up being not true. I'm guilty of falling for some rumors here and there (not really any Pokémon ones, the early DP days quickly taught me that), but this hype culture is getting really toxic and damaging and it's just made me exhausted from the franchise in general.

Part of me can't help but want to take a break from this franchise and just get away from it, but that's just kind of hard these days. I'm surrounded by the franchise every day and am part of communities with good friends where I can talk about things besides Pokémon. I work a job that relates to the community so I kind of have to stay in touch with it. It's really damn hard to take a break from the internet, not because I'm "addicted" to it necessarily, but because I have a lot of connections here. I don't know what to do to get out of the funk that has me so tired of a franchise I still honestly love--flaws and all--but it's going to be an uphill battle. 

Maybe I need to focus on more creative projects (this detachment from Pokémon and general exhaustion in my life has really hurt me finishing off Orre Week, really sorry for such a massive delay), and I have a lot of lore I've come up with for my own version of Orre that I'd really like to talk about and expand upon (I'll probably save it for next Orre Week). I can't imagine writing a full-fledged fanfic for that kind of thing (especially now), but I'd love to give at least a window for what it'd be like for those interested. Maybe I need to do my Z Project with Zephyr and his adventure through Kalos, or my Moon project with my OC there that I've been very nervous to get into due to SJW culture overreacting to me doing it wrong. I don't know. Maybe I just need to find a way to step away drastically and come back with a fresh mindset.

Sorry for the angry venting. Sorry if I sound pretty whiny for just a fandom "having fun". Misinformation just really bothers me, and this constant cycle of excitement and disappointment (not necessarily on my end) has just killed my interest, and we don't know a damn thing about the game yet. But if you read this far, thanks for hearing out the ramblings of a tired old fan.

[ayusaurus]

Welp I just slept for 8 hours

Traveling can be so exhausting and I just wasn’t in a good mood anyways yesterday =/

This past weekend was a lot of fun, but it just reaffirmed how I felt about the friends I have irl. I’ve come to realize that I only really have one close friend of the ones I have irl, and it sucks because we’re both busy so we don’t have time to see each other very much aside from once every few months or so. It would have been nice if he could have come, but he didn’t know the guy getting married so that would have been a little awkward if he came, but I think it would have helped my trip be a little more enjoyable than it was.

(Also vent incoming, but positive stuff after the next two paragraphs.)

The friends that met up with my boyfriend and I are nice, but it was just that feeling of knowing we’d all moved onto totally different interests and we couldn’t even carry a damn conversation to save our lives. Sure alcohol helped a bit, but even then it was awkward af and really highlighted just how much closer I am with my friends online who I’m able to be myself around rather than having to be all smiles and force a personality that isn’t my own. It was also mentally taxing due to the fact that I was mostly a tour guide on the trip, I also wound up having to be the navigator, which let me just say, was a bit frustrating when things would happen like getting stuck in traffic cause they’re asking questions, which I KNOW is meant to be vague, but dear lord it felt so much like I was at fault for not knowing that it would take x amount of time to get there. And then later on my friend was like “well it said to allot x amnt of time” at which point I just thought “WELL WHY DIDNT YOU SAY SO IF YOU KNEW???” Like I’m sorry I’m being stressed out by the fact that I’ve had to look over every detail and then I happen to miss ONE thing. And then when we missed a turn on our way back to where we were staying from our wedding, my friend A had to literally say “Why didn’t we just turn there???” To which my other friend goes “Oh well Ayu didn’t say where to turn until the turn came” which one I, and the gps did say where to turn and she didn’t hear, and secondly, me apparently saying “hey, it was a mistake, please don’t say it like that” made them feel like it was an absurd thing to say when literally I just asked them not to say it in that way when I was already feeling blamed for the traffic and stuff even when I wasn’t trying to feel that way. It also didn’t help that when we were running late to other things, no one ever had the foresight to text our friend who lives in Seattle and it was up to me to look after that too. It didn’t help that my boyfriend got sick for two of the days so I was worried about him. Like one of the nights he got a fever too and so that was worrisome cause we’re in a different state and I’m just worried about “what if this gets bad and we have to take him to a hospital??” So that was worrisome. My boyfriend said he felt bad because generally he can help with conversation if things get slow, but then it was up to me to carry conversation, so that just also didn’t help and he wished that he could have been more active in convos, to which I told him it’s okay and that I was happy that he’s feeling better now.

I just was so mentally done by the time Monday came around from dealing with all of that stress of making sure we made it to places on time that I didn’t really want to talk at all and that also carried into Tuesday, which I felt bad for because I wasn’t much of a conversationalist with my boyfriend, so I’m thankful we had Thursday to ourselves in Seattle. Yesterday wasn’t as good of a day either cause it was a day I would have been visiting a friend, but wasn’t able to due to things that could have been fixed more easily if I had the hindsight and tools I’ve gained in therapy to realize and deal with things better. So that was just somewhat of a moodkill too sitting in the airport to head home instead of being on a flight to more fun adventures. So that was a bit =/, but it also was good to get home and just decompress a bit and pass tf out.

However, I don’t want this to be all negative/ vent because I did have a lot of fun as well! I was able to visit a couple beaches, so that was wonderful and I got seashells too!! There’s something about the beach that’s so nice and relaxing and I love the ocean smell and the breeze on my face and through my hair. It’s def calming.

The first day was also nice because over the last few years my boyfriend and I have drifted due to our interests and also due to me pulling away. But Thursday was the first day in a long time that I felt close with him again and we got to have conversations about things that we didn’t have to rehash over and over and over again. It was also the first time I could voice exactly how I’ve been feeling clearly and explain confidently and definitively why I’ve pulled away so much within all my relationships. It felt nice to be able to be honest because I finally had an answer rather than a guess. I apologized to my boyfriend, but this time I felt it held more weight because he could see how the last few months of therapy has helped me in my own understanding of myself and that he felt that my explanations weren’t just bandaids or temporary fixes. Of course I have a long ways to go in mending our relationship, but I feel like this trip has been a very good first step in that process and like a weight was taken off my shoulders.

And of course, the reason I went up there, was because my friend was getting married!!! It was a lovely ceremony and we had an absolutely amazing time at the reception! It was so nice to see my friend marry his best friend and now husband! =) they’re so cute together and made my heart swell to see them so happy!! We also got to visit their house and see that and talk with some of his family that I haven’t seen in a while, so that was lovely. Before seeing his new house we got to go to the space needle and then we took a duck boat tour which was cool cause I learned some things I didn’t previously know. Then afterwards we got to go to the Chihuly museum and garden. Which, let me tell you, was amazing. Chihuly is one of my fave artists, so it was nice to see his pieces in person and something I can cross off my bucket list. That felt absolutely amazing to say the least! I ALSO GOT TO SEE SEA OTTERS OMG!!! I ABSOLUTELY TOOK SO MABY PICS AND IT WAS THE BEST HOUR IVE SPENT OF MY LOFE GETTIG TO SEE THEM AAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

And then too, I got to explore more of Seattle than I previously have before, so that was nice. My boyfriend and I are talking about coming back again as there really is just so much to see and do up there. So that was nice af. Also the plane rides were always fun because of clouds. Like let me tell you, I love clouds and flying above the Earth so much and it always makes me happy when I can do it. So it was lovely. ALSO, KIZUKI RAMEN!!! Like omg I always get so emotional when I eat ramen from there because it’s the most authentic Shoyu ramen I can have in the US. There’s a place here at home that kinda comes close, but it’s just not the same. Like, I will get teary when I eat at Kizuki ramen because every bite literally makes me feel like I’m eating in Japan and causes all those memories to come flooding back, so I just love and appreciate it since it makes me feel a little closer to my second home even if it only lasts momentarily. <3

Also the weather was lovely while we were there and it was so awesome to see the mountains and everything so clearly. I got a lot of lovely pics so I’ll get those hopefully posted up this weekend!

Anyways that’s all I’ve got and feel so much better now that I’m home and relax for the next few days before I go back to work on Friday. Gonna play some OW and work on the next update for my comic =)

[mintyicee]

Warning: skip this post if want

It’s a rant...and i absolutely hate you tumblr app bc i had to redue this twice now! >:(

Anyway, I’m used to being ignored. Everyone around me since i was little to being a young adult now has left me to own thoughts and corner in my home since forever. Though i am partially to blame being an introvert and an absolutely horrible friend in keeping contact with friends online, I mostly do so if i feel no one wants to hear, see, speak, or look at me. I will personally disappear and hide myself bc i feel it will make others happy if i wasnt around. As if i didn’t exist. True, not everyone in your life will be around forever and true, being oneself is your greatest friend. But, as shy or quiet as i am, I love being around other ppl. I dont want to be around ppl 24/7 but i do want to connect with ppl i feel can appreciate me at my fullest and without feeling like im weird or the odd ball that doesnt belong.

With that being said, I may be USED to it but i ABSOLUTELY HATE IT. As any human being would of coarse and a lot of ppl have it worse dont get me wrong. Making this rant already makes me feel selfish and in need of pity which isnt why im writing this. Simply put i want to push this anger out of me and get it out of my system bc i feel i cant move forward until i do so. And when it comes to my problems i suck at communicating it to others bc i feel they have much more important things to be doing then to babysit someone who is feeling down (but id drop everything to listen to others sadness bc i care way too much). 

I hate feeling like i did back when i lived in my hometown. Very lonely and sad. Constantly crying. I wouldn’t do anything all summer but cry in my room bc of how alone i felt. And i gave a very important part of me away just to make sure i had at least one person hanging around. I regret it very much but my efforts to hang out with the friends i saw at school outside of school would be very close to zero. Everyone is either busy or just low key didnt want to hang out with me. Tho i was lucky to have at least one friend I would see more in certain grades, it wasnt constant. And once all the drama with my nuclear family subsided, i was much more alone in the house than before middle school. 

I didnt have a cellphone or home phone, no internet either till i moved and started high school. The things that kept me going usually was my writing, music, and cartoons. Seriously being serious here. The way Id touch base with any of my school friends was to walk to their house and be lucky if they had time or were home. When i moved i had so much hope that Id find ppl to share and spend time with. Not only that but i was in the real world and no longer stuck in a house like a prisoner or place for that matter. But like stupid ppl or racists, the same ppl pop up everywhere as well as the loneliness i was hoping to leave behind. Only it came in a new form: even when im around others. I am/was happier here tho. No longer confined in my hometown house. But recently it feels like i am. This summer has been my loneliest since the move and the feeling like no one cares about me at all have all come back at my lowest and most crucial decision making time of my life. Not being in school this semester/school year is hitting me hard and no job call backs for a whole month now either. 

Partially my fault tho. The new friend crew ive been spending time with have been ignoring anything i said in the group chat. Id be skipped over and lately it feels as if im just upsetting certain ppl and end up talking about me behind my back. Really nothing new but I’ve just had enough of it. Like always I distanced myself and stopped talking all together. I’ve been more political upset in recent days due to certain issues on twitter but I’ve only been talking to my boyfriend and my mother. In hindsight tho, they really are my best friends. They are here for me at my highest and lowest no matter how many times i cry or how suddenly i get upset or frustrated. They are the ones to accept me for who i am. No one else has done this to the extent as they have and really thats all i need. Even if i dont get any other long term friends i dont care bc i know they will be by my side till the end. 

But I also want to say that if you didnt want to be my friend in the first place or you wanted me to initiate the conversation first then u should at least comment back at what im saying. If i said something dumb or something that didnt add to the convo then tell me dont just ignore me like im stupid. I refuse to be your “friend” that you only want around to be made fun of. I’ve been through a lot and yes ik u have your share of problems but if your going to only look at yourself and care about yourself then i dont need you. Im good without having that in my life. Ive had my fill of people who act like that to me. And im also tired of people who dont care about others and present issues. I CRY ABOUT PPL I DONT KNOW THAT ARE ON THE NEWS WHETHER NAMED OR NOT. HELL I CRY EVEN IF THEY ARENT ON THE NEWS! There are soooo many ppl who have it way worse than myself who suffer daily and im sick of hearing ppl dont care about the ppl and situations around them! I wont sit here making an excuse as to why i cant help its the same old issues no money (no job as mentioned above) hell even no car but that doesnt matter. I still pray! I pray for safety of others and i pray that ppl will be alright and i pray that things will get better! And also mentioned earlier, ive been reposting about current issues on twitter! This is small but i want to try!

So please if you had no intentions of sticking around me at any of my current moods, dont appreciate the person i am, or relatively dont give a fuck then dont involve yourself in my life. Yes it hurts to be alone but Id rather have that and be alone then FEEL ALONE WITH PPL IVE COME TO CARE FOR! Also, if I have helped you through thick n thin and you think u can pop into my life whenever you feel like it only to stop talking to me or purposely upset me and even threaten me? GTFO of my life and dont come back! Ever (yes this is about a certain friend who moved away and i helped not commit suicide that im holding a grudge at)!  And if you honestly are going to get upset at the actions ive done and say you do good things when you have zero sign of love for others in your hearts, live in a bubble of your own world, and follow the bible “word for word” get out of my face too bc i dont need ppl who say they are here to help others only to shun me if i dont constantly keep verses in my head or do things the way you want them to be and to have me fight my own demons while going against your beliefs and saying that im not doing what im supposed to (yes this is about church)! I DO THINGS AND CARE WAY MORE THAN YOU DO TRUST ME AND THIS IS THE ONLY TIME IM EVER GOING TO SELFISHLY SAY SO BC ITS BETTER TO BE HUMBLE AND NOT ARROGANT. I TRY SO HARD NOT TO JUDGE YOU YET YOU GET TO JUDGE ME? NO I DONT THINK SO YOU SHOULD START AT LEVEL ONE AGAIN AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE! (still about church not friends here). Also dont worry about the level one thing; you would know what this means if you went to the same church. 

I’ve been couping with the idea that all i need is two friends. I’m so grateful and blessed to have them in my life and if im truly meant to have more than it will be so. I know two others of whom i need to apologize for hardly emailing or sending a message to. I feel so bad i have neglected them only bc ive been feeling so down about this and other issues (like before: school, no job/car, possibly changing career and life goals, etc) but really is no excuse. Welp I’ve said all i wanted to say for the moment. There is another topic i wish to vent about but it will have to be for another day bc i have no energy to complain about that topic. If anyone read all this im sorry i took time out of your day and that I hope you are doing well. I hope you continue to live your life to the fullest and to celebrate the good things not the bad that comes along. I just really needed to vent these emotions so i can finally concentrate on what i need to do. Thank you for listening <3