#sometimes i remember about how my ex wrote literally any woman ever and i want to punch a wall btw

[gnzma]

is there a muse you played on more platforms or in different moments of your life?

[ munday asks ; ACCEPTING ] // also asked by @skullkxd

[ Silver is actually the oldest muse I have, i used to play him on facebook when i was. 15ish???? i think shortly after HGSS came out anyway fadsgmdf

of course shitty "teenager-who-just-learned-what-mangas-are" writing style aside, i did have a lot of fun and played a lot of very interesting plots. there was a pryce who followed the manga plot silver had beef with, i had my little ship with a friend's lyra, he even went through an entire Edgyfication arc when he was actually shadowed!! it was nice while it lasted </3 i think i simply stopped playing him bc karl lawoftalos (who i also used to play a LOT on facebook) took over my brain and my bestie stopped playing gold too. and also my ex tried too hard to ship him w a terribly ooc misty of his fnasmdff

and i still think that there's at least a handful of people who still think i'm male bc i was playing a male character and i was too anxious to correct them :^) ]

[callme-barnes]

Drunk Crushin’

*GIF is not mine*

Summary: You have a night out with the girls to get your mind off of your ex. Now your in the tower confessing things you wouldn’t be if you were sober.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Fem!Reader (with powers)

Word Count: 1,842

Warnings: None

A/N: Please do not repost my work anywhere! I wrote it for Tumblr so it stays on Tumblr. I’m trying to get back in the swing of writing things because well, I love writing. It’s been literal years since I’ve written anything so please be kind. I kind of just put this out as it goes. I don’t want to think about it too much or I will never publish anything. Anyways, for this pic I gave the reader the ability to manipulate nature but it doesn’t play a huge part in it. All mistakes are mine. Enjoy otherwise!

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The euphoric feeling of the satin dress on your skin was mixing in nicely with the feeling of too much alcohol in your system. The alcohol heightened the smooth sensation on your skin and the music caused you to sway from side to side to the rhythm, flashing lights dancing across the exposed skin of your legs, arms, and chest. Natasha and Wanda surrounded you, the pair of them a lot more sober than you were.

“Y/N/N...how are you feeling?”

You managed to open your eyes at hearing your name, although it sounded muffled due to your intoxication.

“I feel...amazing! Who...who needs men. Right? Right!”

Wanda couldn’t help the small laugh that escaped her lips at your response

“Babe maybe we should have you drink some water. You’ve been on the dancefloor for hours” she mentioned in slight concern but also was amused at how carefree and happy you were in that moment.

“I’ll take...I’ll take another shot” you said blissfully, looking at Natasha and Wanda before you reached over and moved your arms around each of their shoulders

“Thank you guys so much...I...I needed this so much. I can’t believe...believe he would do something like that. I mean...what...what the fuck was he thinking?! And in my bed for fucks sake”

Wanda and Natasha moved to walk you towards a small corner booth, Wanda excusing herself so she could get you some water.

“Don’t worry about him babe. He was a fucking asshole. I couldn’t stand him. If I had a chance to cut his head off I would”

Y/N laughed to herself as she leaned into Natasha, resting her head on her shoulder, her own head spinning.

“I love you Natasha. And you Wanda!”

Wanda laughed at your coo and she slipped into the empty seat next to you helping you get your water bottle open

“I love you too babe. Now, let’s get you sobered up just a little and get you back to the compound”

You don’t even know how the conversation was started due to your head not really remembering any complex thoughts, but your mouth was running as if you knew exactly what you were talking about.

“He’s...holy fuck, if I could get my hands on that man. He is probably...probably the hottest man I have ever laid eyes on. I’m glad he managed to get into this era because...I mean, the 40’s didn’t appreciate him much”

Natasha had her arm wrapped around your waist, your heels clacking on the hardwood floor and your dress had ridden up dangerously short above your thigh. You were smiling to yourself as images of Bucky Barnes flooded your mind, your intoxicated brain flashing the most sinful, perverted thoughts.

“Have you seen the man workout...when he’s all sweaty and...out of breath”

Wanda set your stuff down on the counter with a small smirk on her face as she listened to you go on about the super soldier, having known all this by now. She had always agreed not to read your mind but you didn’t exactly make it hard to notice sometimes. She was pretty sure everybody in the tower knew about your crush on Bucky.

“Sorry Y/N, you’re the only one who has noticed that I’m afraid”

Natasha set you down on one of the stools, Wanda moving to stand next to you to keep you upright. You swayed a bit to yourself, looking around in a haze.

“Oh come on! Don’t tell me. We’ve all been in the same room with the guy! He once took his shirt off during a sparring match with Steve and I haven’t stopped...thinking about it since. But you gotta....you gotta shhh because my boyfriend would get mad if he knew”

Natasha laughed slightly as she took some snacks from the cupboard noticing Bucky walking into the kitchen Before he got a chance to ask what you guys were up to, you let out a scoff as you looked over drunkenly at Wanda

“Oh wait….I almost, forgot! I don’t even...have a boyfriend! Not anymore. Fucking bastard. He...you know what. Fuck that guy. I think I’m pretty hot, I am a...I can make life grow with these hands!” you say as you hold up your hands in front of both you and Wanda, Wanda reaching over and grabbing onto them causing you to lean into her chest, your eyes looking up

“You think...you think I’m hot don’t you Wanda?”

Bucky watched the display in front of him, grabbing a water bottle from the fridge then looked over at Natasha

“What’s all that about?”

Natasha ate a chip and looked over at Bucky speaking quietly, “She found Leo in bed with another woman this morning”

Bucky’s eyebrows shot up, a bit in surprise but more so in disdain. He figured that’s how that guy would go out. Bucky would constantly see his wandering eyes when you would bring him around, even go far as catching up all up on some girl once. Leo had just laughed it off and said it wasn’t what it had looked like before before walking back to you. Since that day Bucky made sure to keep a close eye on him, which put Leo on his guard and just made it harder to catch him

“Asshole. How did she take it? Why didn’t she tell me?”

Natasha looked at Bucky with a knowing stare, “You know why she didn’t tell you. She hasn’t exactly been that open about her relationship since that day you told her you caught him on some girl at the BBQ last year”

Bucky drank more of his water and sighed, his gaze moving up to see you interacting with Wanda. He couldn’t help the slight smile that was on his lips as Wanda pushed hair from your face and spoke to you in a quiet, calming voice.

“Whose Natasha talking to? Hey Nat! I’m the drunk one here you’re not supposed to be the one talking….to yourself”

Natasha smiled in amusement as she ate more chips from the bag, “I’m not babe, I’m talking to Bucky”

Your eyes widened immediately as you straightened up from Wanda’s body and fumbled around with your hair, “Holy shit! Why didn’t you...tell me. Wanda how do I look?”

Wanda let out a laugh and shook her head as you loudly whispered to her, her hand going to hold onto you and smooth out your hair

“You look lovely Y/N/N”

You looked in Bucky’s general direction, a smile on your face at his words. You brought your chin to rest on your open palm on top of the counter, your eyes closing and opening so you could try to focus

“Y/N, Wanda and I are going to get out of this clothes and we’re going to bring you a change of clothes. Are you okay with Bucky for a few minutes?”

You let out a soft grumble in agreement, your eyes now just staying shut.

“Yeah. I mean as long as...he doesn’t take off his shirt because I wouldn’t remember it in the morning and that would be...a waste of a strip tease”

Bucky laughed a bit as he walked over and stood next to you to keep you upright, “Don’t worry doll my shirt will stay on”

Wanda and Natasha laughed to themselves before making their way to their rooms to change. Y/N felt her body sway to rest against Bucky’s torso, her head on his chest before Bucky moved to rest a hand on your waist

“Come on Y/N we should get you in a more stable seat”

You groaned as Bucky helped you up off the stool and made his way to the couch

“Bucky, you were right. I’m sorry, I should have...listened to you”

Bucky moved to set you down on the couch, taking a seat next to you “Right about what sweetheart?”

“About Leo...he was, he’s an asshole. That day at the BBQ, I knew...I knew you were telling me the truth. I just..do you know I had caught him talking to other women all the time? On his phone, when we went out. I just...I was so embarrassed. I didn’t want it to be true”

You moved to lay your head down in his lap and sniffled, “I tried everything, he just...I should have accepted that he didn’t want me”

Bucky moved his hand to push your hair out of your face, his other hand resting around your form “Don’t beat yourself up Y/N/N. He never deserved you. He’s an idiot if I’ve ever met one. And I’ve met many. If you want I can go scare him for you. You know, rough him up a little bit”

You laughed softly and shook your head, “It’s okay. Thank you though”

Bucky looked down as he continued to run his hand through your hair, watching as you held up one of your hands, “I should’ve choked him out with a vine when I had the chance”

He let out a loud laugh at this, his hand reaching up to take yours and set it down on your hip, “Calm down there Little Shop of Horrors”

Nat and Wanda entered the living area, clothes in hand, “Alright little lady let’s get you out of these clothes. Thank you Barnes”

Bucky helped you sit up, getting up when Wanda and Natasha sat down,“Bucky can’t leave. He smells nice, and he’s comfortable”

“Bucky can’t watch us change you sweetie. Remember, waste of a strip tease?”

Bucky smiled and turned around as Nat and Wanda helped you out of your dress and into a large t-shirt and shorts, “It’s okay I’d strip for that man any day”

Wanda scoffed with a laugh, Bucky’s smile growing into a happy little smirk at your words

“He’s still in the room lady behave”

“Oops, sorry”

You let out a drunken giggle as Wanda and Nat finished up, “Alright Bucky you can turn around. You’re welcome to join us. We’re just going to pop in a movie so we can keep an eye on her for the night”

Bucky nodded as he took his seat next to you again, letting you get comfortable in his lap again, his hand finding a comfortable spot on your waist.

“Psst...hey Nat you think I...got a chance with Bucky?”

Bucky looked down with a small smirk since Natasha was on the other sofa turning on the TV, “Absolutely doll”

You let out a content mumble of ‘thank god’ before stretching out your arm across Bucky’s lap.

“You know she’s not going to remember any of this when she wakes up right?”

Bucky looked up at Wanda before looking back down at your form

“Oh I know. That’s what’s going to make my days so much better for what I have planned”

[tyongxnct]

𝑓𝑒𝑒𝑙 𝑚𝑒 - 𝐽𝑢𝑛𝑔 𝐽𝑎𝑒𝘩𝑦𝑢𝑛

pairing: Jaehyun x reader

summary: After your break up with Jaehyun, you were always on his mind. It’s been almost two years and he missed you so much, it was torture being without you. Nobody loved him like you did and no matter how much he tried to get you off his mind, he only wanted you. Every night a different woman in his bed but he always imagined you. Jaehyun wanted you back but were you ready to face him?

song: feel me - Selena Gomez

genre: angst, exes-to-lovers!au

warnings: mentions of cheating, swearing, alcohol consumption, mention of sex

word count: 3,7k

A/N: this is part two of lose you to love me  I hope you like this, I literally wrote this in five hours lmao, have fun reading and don’t forget to listen to feel me by Selena Gomez! 

taglist: @fluffyjaes​ @m1na4u​ @cosmiclatte28​

© tyongxnct on all platforms

No one love you like I love ya Never cheat, never lie Never put no one above ya I gave you space and time And now you're telling me you miss it And I'm still on your mind We were one in a million And love is hard to find

Do you stay up late, just so you don't dream?

“Hey buddy. Are you ready to go home?”

Johnny looked at his friend with worry in his eyes. “Let’s stay a little longer. Please Johnny.” Jaehyun begged Johnny. He needs the distraction. He needs the alcohol to feel numb, the pain he feels is slowly killing him.

“Come on, it’s late. You need some sleep buddy.”

“N-No Johnny please- I don’t want to go.” Jaehyun mumbled.

“Jaehyun-“

“You can go home if you want. I’m going to stay.  I don’t want to be alone.”

Jaehyun and his wife, his ex-wife now, divorced almost three months ago, about five months after their wedding. Jaehyun met her one night at the club and she wrapped him around her finger and one night became many sleepless nights together. He should be with you, his girlfriend, but the woman in his arms was someone else and after spending so much time with her, he was confused and thought that he fell in love with her.

Breaking up with you wasn’t an option, he was still in love with you, he was just bored after spending years with you and he wanted something new, something exciting and cheating behind your back was the only way he could feel the thrill.

Jaehyun really wanted to marry you, but not while he was cheating and he couldn’t stop, he couldn’t stop secretly meeting her and talking to her when you were sleeping. Jaehyun didn’t want to let go of that thrilling feeling and whenever you talked about marriage, he feared loosing the excitement he felt when he was with her and not with you. But Jaehyun never thought that the option of you leaving him was there. He never thought about how you felt and how he treated you. Jaehyun thought you’d stay with him forever, no matter how long it would take him to breakup with her and marry you.

You were always there and when you told him that you want to breakup, he didn’t know what to feel or what to do. Should he stop you from leaving? Should he break up with her and just marry you?

After you left he spend more and more time with her and when he did the mistake of asking her to marry him while he was totally wasted, she agreed and it didn’t take long for them to say yes.

Jaehyun did many drunk mistakes in his life and he slowly realized that everything leads back to her, his ex-wife. Your relationship was destroyed because he cheated on you with her, your relationship was destroyed because he told himself that he wanted her and not you, your relationship was destroyed because he couldn’t stop his affair and his relationship was destroyed because he let you go to be with her.

Jaehyun realized while he was married, that every decision he had made was wrong. Everything he did to push you away was wrong. The thrill he always felt was wrong. The excitement he felt when he was with her was wrong, everything turned upside down and he regrets chasing that weird feeling he felt when he first met her. He regrets letting her in and letting you go. The love of his life.

How could he? How could he do that to you? How could he destroy the best thing that had happened to him?

After the divorce, Jaehyun felt lonelier than ever, but he didn’t know why. He didn’t know that the missing puzzle piece was you and that it was always you he needed and loved.

He didn’t know that you were the one his heart longed for, but after seeing you one night with your friends at a bar, after seeing you smile so happily, he realized that the missing piece was you. Jaehyun realized how lonely he was because you weren’t there, because he didn’t see your face and that beautiful smile you have.

Jaehyun’s chest tightened and he left the bar before you could see him. Jaehyun was ashamed, he couldn’t face you after everything he did to you.

Jaehyun missed you every passing day more and more. He was thinking about you and every time he remembered the way you looked at him when you broke up with him, he found himself crying and suffering because you didn’t deserve any of that. You didn’t deserve to be treated like how he treated you. You were everything and so much more.

Jaehyun regrets leaving you alone all the time and the one time he asked you to stay longer at Yuna’s makes him so mad, because back then, he missed you so much but he ignored the feeling until you left him forever.

“Dude, come on-“

“Seems like your friend doesn’t want to go home yet.”

Jaehyun and Johnny looked at the person talking. A pretty woman, her body barely covered, and the look in her eyes was enough for Jaehyun to stay and not go home.

“Don’t worry, I can keep an eye on him for you.” She winked and Johnny looked at Jaehyun who was so drunk that he didn’t mind staying with her.

“I don’t think-“

“Go home Johnny. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Jaehyun turned away from Johnny to the woman and next thing he knew was how she sucked his dick in her bed.

Jaehyun couldn’t sleep at nights, whenever he closed his eyes he saw you and you followed him in his dreams. The painful look in your eyes was burned in his mind and every dream was about you and losing you. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want to wake up from another dream.

Do you stay up late, just so you don't dream?

Every time your lips touch another I want you to feel me I want you to feel me Every time you dance with somebody I want you to feel me I want you to feel me

Jaehyun spend nights with many different women under him. He tried to replace you, he tried to keep you off of his mind, but he failed every time.

He closed his eyes and pressed his lips on hers, he didn’t even remember her name but he also didn’t care. Jaehyun imagined you under him, he imagined your lips kissing him and your hands on his chest. Jaehyun’s favorite position was fucking from behind so he wouldn’t see their faces when he fucked them.

“F-Fuck Jaehyun.” She moaned when he sucked her neck and slowly fingered her.

“Don’t talk or I’ll stop.” He mumbled as he kissed her again to shut her up.

Jaehyun always told them to stop talking so he could imagine it was you he was fucking. Sometimes, your name slipped his lips but he didn’t care. If this is the only way he could feel you again, he wouldn’t stop.

Do your days get a little bit longer? Nights get a little bit colder? Heartbeat a little bit louder?

His friends were worried. Especially Johnny, his best friend.

Jaehyun would spend all of his free time in clubs and bars and drink until he couldn’t even walk properly. With no sleep, his days got longer and he felt stuck. Jaehyun felt like he was stuck and there was no escape. Every day was the same but the pain in his heart got worse and worse.

He was so drunk, he could hear his heartbeat in his ears and he thought he was going to die. Jaehyun really thought that it was the end of everything. The end of his suffering and the pain and the end of your story.

But when he woke up in the hospital, he knew that it wasn’t over. He still needs to suffer because you were also suffering for so long. Jaehyun knew that he needed to suffer more than you did, he knew he deserved all of this.

“Finally awake huh?” Johnny said.

Jaehyun looked to his left and saw Johnny sitting on the chair next to the bed.

“What happened?” Jaehyun couldn’t remember anything.

“Alcohol poisoning. You’ve been sleeping for three days.”

Jaehyun closed his eyes. His stomach hurt.

“I didn’t see her in my dreams. I didn’t see anything in my dreams. Maybe-“

“Don’t you fucking dare finish that sentence.” Johnny hissed.

Johnny knew that Jaehyun thought that this was the only way to sleep without dreaming of you.

“But-“

“No fucking buts, god, Jaehyun. Don’t you see how much you are destroying yourself?!” Johnny said a little louder.

“I deserve this.” Jaehyun whispered.

“No! No one deserves something like this. Okay, we both know you did some dumb shit, but why don’t you talk to her? We both know that she won’t kill you. Grow the fuck up now and face the fucking truth.”

Johnny was right.

Jaehyun is a coward.

He’s fucking scared to make things worse if that’s even possible.

Facing you? How could he do that? He couldn’t even look in the mirror, how could you look at him?

“I know where she lives, Jaehyun. And I can’t keep watching you destroy yourself more and more. Please, go talk to her.”

Jaehyun knew that sooner or later he had to talk to you. He always chose later but things got worse and he needs to do something.

When you're running, who you run to? Where do you go to hide? When she ain't giving you enough to get you through the night Won't be caught up in the middle Of your highs and your lows Baby, 'long as you're not with me, you'll always be alone

Do you stay up late, just so you don't dream?

After Jaehyun was released from the hospital, it took him two days to knock on your door.

It’s been months since you saw Jaehyun and when you opened the door, he was the last person you expected to see.

It was silent for almost ten seconds.

Jaehyun’s legs felt like jelly and his eyes got teary. You looked so beautiful, you were glowing. You looked so much healthier and just happier. Jaehyun didn’t know what to say and was so nervous he almost turned around and ran away.

“Jaehyun?”

Oh, how he missed to hear his name coming from your mouth.

“H-Hi.”

Hi? Seriously Jaehyun?!, he thought.

“What are you doing here?” you asked.

Jaehyun tried to talk but he was so fucking scared of saying anything wrong that he didn’t talk.

“Jaehyun?” you said his name again.

“I-I wanted to talk… to you… if that’s okay…” Jaehyun scratched his neck awkwardly.

“You want to talk?” you asked, still in shock that he was standing right in front of you.

“Y-Yes.”

“What do you want to talk about?” you leaned against your door, arms crossed in front of your chest.

“U-Us?” he said unsure.

“There is no us though?” you said, raising an eyebrow.

“I mean, about y-you and me.” You never saw Jaehyun this nervous.

“What is there to talk about? Oh, congratulations by the way, I heard you got married.” You said sarcastically.

Jaehyun gulped, he looked at you and licked his dry lips. “I-“

“Was it the girl you cheated on me with? Or someone else?”

“Y-you knew?” he thought you didn’t know that he cheated.

“Of course I knew. You really thought I’m a dumb little girl?” you spat.

“N-No never it’s j-just-“

“What? A secret you never wanted me to find out? So tell me Jaehyun, did you marry her?”

Jaehyun looked down and nodded. “I-I’m sorry.” He whispered.

“Did you get her pregnant?” you asked.

“No! I mean, no no it wasn’t like that.” He shook his head.

“So you married her because you loved her?”

“Fuck, I don’t know why I did that, I-I thought that after you broke up that she was the one and I t-think I was scared that she’d leave me too s-so I married her.” He explained but you just laughed at him.

“W-We aren’t together anymore. We got a divorce five months after the wedding.”

“Is that supposed to make me feel better?”

“I just want to e-explain everything and… and I’m sorry. For everything. For everything I did and everything I didn’t do.”

“Come in. I don’t want to disturb my neighbors.” You really wanted to know why he did what he did.

Jaehyun smiled as you let him in.

He looked around your apartment and saw many pictures of you and your friends and family. When he looked at your couch, he saw a little cat sleeping.

“You have a cat?”

“Yes, cats don’t hurt people like humans do.”

Ouch, Jaehyun felt a pang in his chest.

“You can speak.” You said ignoring the look on his face.

“I met her when I was out with the boys, a-and I was drunk and next thing I knew I was in her b-bed and I-I couldn’t stop. I just couldn’t stop a-and we were together for so long I thought I needed something… new. It went like this for a year and then your broke up with me and I know that you had every right to do that after how I treated you. I kept the affair a secret because I couldn’t break up with you. I loved you and I wanted to have a family with you, you were my everything b-but I felt like I was stuck with you forever. We were dating for years a-and I needed something new, but I couldn’t let you go. I couldn’t stop either. I-I thought I’d stop seeing her one day and we would get married but I-I…” Jaehyun hid his face in his hands as he told you everything. “I-I didn’t want to lose you but in the end you still left me a-and I didn’t want to be alone so I married her and I swear to god I hate myself so much for doing that to you. I hate myself so much for hurting you like that.” He sobbed.

You didn’t say a word.

“T-There’s no one like you. Nobody is enough for me, they’re not y-you and I feel so, so fucking alone without you. My heart hurts and I can’t sleep. I don’t know what to do anymore. I need you so much, I miss you a-and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I can’t believe I-I lost someone as perfect and rare as y-you. I love you so much.” He whimpered.

He wiped his tears with the back of his hand and looked at you. Jaehyun’s eyes were bloodshot red and his lips were trembling, just like his hands.

You didn’t know what to say or to do or to think.

“Jaehyun, look. This, all of this is confusing me. And I really don’t know what you want me to say. You broke every promise, my trust, and my heart. You have no idea what I went through. You have absolutely no idea how hurt and broken I was. You’re suffering? You’re missing me? You’re crying because you are sad? How would you feel If you were me. How would you feel If I did that to you? Hm? This is not a game, this is real life, and you made your decisions. Jaehyun, you chose to hurt me. You chose to cheat on me and you chose to marry her. This had nothing to do with me. I loved you. I waited for you and I was always there for you.” Your voice was calm and you didn’t feel the need to cry but Jaehyun on the other hand was still crying and hating himself even more after he heard your words.

Jaehyun stepped closer to you but you didn’t move away and you looked down to the floor.

“D-Do you hate me?” He whispered.

“No.”

“So you still l-love me.” He hoped you did.

“No… Jaehyun-” you looked up with empty eyes.

This hurt Jaehyun even more. You felt nothing for him. Nothing.

“I love you, Y/n. And I will always love you. P-Please don’t let go of your love for me. Please love me, please- Y/n- please love me again. I can’t live a life without you. I can’t- I just can’t move on. I’ve been trying- I’ve really been trying to move on but it’s impossible. My heart screams for you and only you. I’m sorry, I’m so fucking sorry.” He hugged you tightly and you just let him, you didn’t know what else to do. “Please y/n. One last chance please. Y-You know what? L-Let’s get married. Right now. Marry me, Y/n. We’ve been waiting so long to get married, let’s do it now- please Y/n- marry me. Be my forever- please.” He cried out.

“Jae-“

“No, please no, just think about it. Just you and me. Forever. You and me forever that’s all I want. I’m ready y/n. I’m ready to spend eternity with you please give me one last chance to make things right. Please let me fix this and let me love you again.” Jaehyun cried his heart out as you slowly caressed his back.

“I-I know you still love me. D-deep inside you still love me. We’re meant to be together. Please give me a chance to show you how much I love you. Please marry me.”

“Jaehyun we can’t get married just like that.” You told him.

“B-but,” he let go off you to look at you, his face inches from yours, “So y-you still love me, right?” he looked hopefully at you.

“Jaehyun t-this isn’t as easy as you want this to be! I-I don’t trust you, I don’t know what you want me to say. Let’s forget everything and start over? It’s not working like that, relationships are more than just I love you’s! It took me so long to get back on feet, it took me so long to accept that you did this to us. I always blamed myself, I thought I did something wrong but it was always you. You’re the reason this relationship or whatever that was ended. So, I can’t just get back with you after everything I’ve been through. Not… Not like this.” Maybe it was time for you to cry, too. Tears fell down your eyes, you couldn’t hold them back anymore.

Remembering the pain you felt, the betrayal you felt and how miserable you were, hurt you.

“Jaehyun I was so fucking hurt y-you have no idea, I just wanted to die and n-never wake up.” You were the one sobbing now.

Your body stopped working and you fell in his arms. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” You heard him say.

“The love of my life married someone else, Jaehyun. You married someone else b-because you d-didn’t want to marry me… You didn’t w-want to marry me. You didn’t want me- y-you didn’t want me.” You repeated the last sentence over and over again and it felt like a knife was stabbed in his heart every time you said that.

Jaehyun held you in his arms as you were both sitting on the floor. This time he caressed your back and tried to clam you down. You bawled your eyes out and you hate to admit that, but you felt safe. You felt safe in Jaehyun’s arms.

“Y-You never l-loved me…” you whimpered.

“T-That’s not true, I always loved you. Do you remember the first time we met? You fell on your butt because we crushed into each other and ever since, I had this huge crush on you and when I asked you to be my girlfriend and you said yes, I was ready to fight the universe for you.”

“B-But y-you didn’t. You fought against m-me.”

If Jaehyun’s heart could break again, it would. He didn’t say anything, he couldn’t. He hates himself, how could he make you feel that way? How could he hurt you so much? How could he break you like this?

Jaehyun wished he could turn back time and change everything. But that was impossible. All he could do was do the right things now, it was his last chance to have a perfect future with you. 

“Please. One chance, all I need is one last chance to show you how much I love you. Let me fix this, please. Please let me treat you like how you deserve to be treated. Let me love you until my last day on earth.”

“I-I’m so scared, J-Jaehyun. So scared.” You whispered.

“Don’t be scared. I can’t lose you again- I won’t lose you again. I love you. I’m so in love with you.” Jaehyun pressed you against his chest and kissed your temple.

You looked up to him. His face so close to yours after months. It felt surreal, you couldn’t believe that it was really him, holding you so tightly because he was so scared that you’d slip away.

He wiped your tears with his thumb and leaned in. You closed your eyes and let him, after so many months, kiss you with his soft and warm lips. You could feel how much he longed for you just with a simple kiss. You could taste both of your salty tears in the kiss and neither of you stopped crying.

Allowing Jaehyun back in your life didn’t change anything about you. You were still confident and strong, and you could be confident and strong with Jaehyun, too. Jaehyun would never dare to take that away from you. He would never dare to hurt you and make you feel small or vulnerable. Jaehyun loves you and you slowly let him back into your life. Your breakup with Jaehyun helped you so much, no matter how much you suffered and how hurt you were. You learned how to love yourself and how important it is to put yourself first and that is something you’d never learn if you hadn’t gone through the breakup.

Feel me Feel me Feel me

[thequibblah]

directors cut for WTRF? 🥺👉👈 not biased at all obviously just objective third party asking for a directors cut hmmm hmmmmm

literally how could u do this every other word in that fic is an easter egg i can't shut up about..... bestie u are about to have regrets

one thing u should know is that 90% of things in this fic have real-world equivalents and its not even like....... hidden equivalents. serie primo = serie a, for instance. this trend is going to continue and i won't apologise <3

fun fact i named the bar the Bar and the drinks after shapes because i was too lazy to come up with something actually clever

this bit

I’m grinning to myself by the time she approaches my table.

was a very intentional fakeout and if you read this and thought "she" would be lily, feel free to sue me for emotional damages

the biggest conundrum of this AU was, how are jily not going to have met in school when magic exists? the solution was, of course, having multiple magic schools. but i couldn't let one of them have hogwarts, that didn't seem fair. i know i did sort of let lily have it..... but i felt more comfortable making hogwarts a university so there was a legit reason why james wasn't there and in gryffindor (if he'd gone he absolutely would have been)

once solved, i did the fun thing of naming them! ottaline gambol's was easy, i just scrolled through the list of ministers for magic and picked a progressive one. peverell hall was a whim, made all the funnier when lily's reaction is:

Much was made at Otty’s — one of the more progressive magical schools, named for one of the more progressive Ministers of Magic — of schools like Peverell Hall and St. George’s. The latter, I know, is chock-full of pureblooded elite. Peverell Hall is supposed to be slightly better, but still.

dang, it's gonna be funny if she ever finds out james is a descendant of the guy it's named after

fun fact, i included this because peter's question was a real thought i had when reading bond and free, your inspiring writing knows no limits:

The first thing you conjure in Walking Wombat is a yellow quill... “Why yellow?” Peter asked. Eddie gave him a strange look. “Why not?”

i realised i'd put jily in the same conundrum they had in tis the fucking season here:

It’s only then that I remember she’s just bought us drinks. I turn back to my triangle. “Oh, shit.” I suppose I can pawn it off on one of the others.

...but of course the resolution is rather different, and i do so enjoy a james with no filter (aka default james)

I briefly lose control of my brain and my tongue. “Is it too soon to say I’m in love with you?”

by the way, no-filter james will be a theme. wild things sure do run fast but not as fast as this boy runs his mouth!

also, another interesting challenge here was making sure james has a reason to be the way he is in AU. i love playing around with james's childhood/background and seeing how that affects his character while (hopefully!) staying true to who he is. i did that in ttfs by having him move around a lot and not meet the marauders until after the flashback timeline, which is why he's less of a git — he doesn't have the level of comfort in a social setting that canon james has with hogwarts, which is basically his playground from day 2 of first year lol

here, james was probably a fkn nightmare all through school, but of course he gets a big ego check when his quidditch career is derailed. i imagine his years in italy as a continuation of that humility lesson.

I will fully admit I used to be a cocky prick. This is what comes of being a kid who grew up with everything. But one useful thing that the whole fiasco four years ago taught me is humility. I’ve learned how to ask nicely for another chance.

and so much of writing him in wtrf is juggling that typical confidence with the insecurity/fear of losing something he's invested so much in (and has seen slip away before). it's really new to me, because typically i give lily uncertain life circumstances, but i suppose it's both of them in this AU.

the car thing was... i swear didn't start out as smutty, it was purely because i wanted a way to establish lily as muggleborn in a world where the connotations of not having magical parents is very different. more to come on that!

also, come to think of it, by this metric...

I’m now in dangerous territory, since that adds another impressive action to her running tally.

...i think james is already in love with her LOL

this bit:

The street is considered indecent and the downstairs hallway would have our landlady come running at once, so if it pleases Your Honour, we would recommend the sitting room sofa.

...was actually because in draft one lily was a lawyer, but then it was funny enough that i didn't want to take it out, but NOW i realise it makes it sound a little like she's addressing james as your honour, which.... hm. but anyway, we move on

Marc Bolan begs us to get it on through the stereo, vocalising my thoughts exactly.

the song here was initially "you shook me" (h/t @keepingupwithpotters) but i chickened out because zeppelin is SO horny dfjkhgkjs

also, it gave me so much joy to read everyone reacting to lily thinking about her ex (the general vibe was "who the fuck is this guy!!! ew!!!!") — rest assured (or, unassured??) that he has a part to play in all this. anyway, this is one of my fave lines:

He’s just a person, and there’s such a relief in sleeping with James and not the myth of a guy.

because as any come together reader knows....

Just James. Just James. It was never just James.

wtrf lily will learn!

literally the whole world knows i'm obsessed with needle drops that have no subtlety at all, but this one...

We just laugh, tangled together in a sweaty heap, as “Heaven Is in the Back Seat of My Cadillac” plays through the car’s speakers. “On the nose, isn’t it?” James says, sitting up.

...was pure luck, because i was looking up the top hits on the uk singles chart for the week(ish) this scene takes place in so that i could find a song that would realistically play on the radio, saw this, and was like omg the stars really do align

i feel like the thing i enjoy most about writing romance is the importance i get to place in noticing/looking/observing (and sometimes, not noticing!). it's just such a powerful but simple writerly tool, and god knows i am obsessed with pithy descriptions anyway, so this bit i am especially happy with:

James is already waiting, leaning against the car with his hands in his pockets. I feel as though I’m seeing him for the first time, the faint light of the flickering streetlamp catching him in profile: the strong slope of his nose, the hard line of his jaw, the curve of his smile. He studies the facade of our building with open curiosity, and I wonder what he’s looking for.

(one can only imagine james's train of thought in this moment. perhaps "ah. here lives the future love of my life"?)

“Thanks,” she tacks on at the end. I tip my head to one side in confusion. “For what?” “For, I don’t know. Being nice.” She laughs awkwardly. “I don’t do this very much.”

it wouldn't be a quibblah original tee em without some discourse to come about the nature of romantic/sexual relationships, would it? one thing i enjoy about this AU ("one thing" i say as if this isn't the billionth thing in a list) is that i get to write a romantic lily who's squaring that romanticism with what she perceives as the culture of the times. (this is a bit of a staple in all my characterisations of lily, but it is not often paired with casual sex, the complication of all complications!)

oh this bit literally wrote itself like i didn't even pause to think just vomited it out:

In the morning — and it must be early still — the sun streams through Lily’s sorry excuses for curtains with aggression that cannot be ignored. I crack open an eye to find myself sprawled out across her bed, quite literally spread-eagled. She’s attached to my side like a barnacle. Or a very pretty barnacle, anyway.

i'm especially proud of james's voice in this story. i don't often write first-person fic and i was worried how it'd turn out, but i think james as a character/narrator typically colours his own 3rd-person narration so strongly that it ended up a smoother transition than i'd feared!

also i just. i can't resist throwing in comic relief and i hope that this whole segment was a gentle enough preparation for the awkwardness that followed LOL

All of a sudden, the balcony door bursts open. I nearly drop the mug. “What the—” Mary pokes her head around the corner, sporting a righteous smile. “Morning, handsome.” Over her shoulder she shouts, “He’s on the balcony!” I blink. There’s a sound from inside the flat, as if something very large has just been dropped. Then a swear. “Oh, shit,” I say, realisation dawning, “you weren’t looking for me, were you? It’s so loud out here—” Mary cups a hand around her mouth and stage-whispers, “Lily was frantic.” She’s quite violently yanked back, and Lily herself appears in the doorway, slightly out of breath. “Should’ve checked the balcony first,” she says, and closes the door before Mary can insert herself into the space again. “Hi,” I say, which is agreed-upon best practice for greeting a woman you’ve just had fantastic sex with and ideally would like to have sex with again.

to this day i don't know what lily dropped. let's hope it wasn't expensive!

Captained the under-17 English squad at the World Cup some years back, Serie Primo’s lead goal-scorer of last year… Only an injury in what should’ve been his first season at Puddlemere mars his record. I wince reading about it and comparing it to a heap of press clippings. James Potter was hurt, and Puddlemere didn’t fancy paying for him not to play, so they shipped him off to Milan.

(you cannot imagine how much pointed interrogation of my brother it took to gather this intel.) i constantly worry that i've got dates or timelines wrong somehow — you might notice i tweaked under-17, which used to be under-19 until i realised that made no sense (even though in terms of its career importance i would much preferred it to have been u-19.... anyway). i also found out that u-17 football squads don't actually have captains but i said fuck it on that count.

but obviously i started writing this AU for the sports possibilities, only to discover i'm going to have to interfere a great deal with the Timeline (you shall see in future instalments).

god i really went through the whole fic. like i reread the whole thing to do this. here u go clare jfbghjfd

[intothewickedwood]

Once Upon A Time Rewatch: 6x14 Page 23

Okay what episode do we have today?

Ah okay, a Regina centric. That’s cool.

Is that the same guard Snow stripped naked in 1x16? Whaaaat?! Just looked it up and it totally is! Awesome call back! I’m going to name him Jim.

Oh my God, she killed Jim!!

Wait, so this has to be after Heart of Darkness.

The terrified look on that woman’s face when Regina strokes her chin, looks at her longingly and tells her she loves her. Omg Regina was in love with this woman all along! It was never about Daniel. It was about Christina! I’m naming her Christina. 

They are my otp now.

How did Tinker Bell get out of neverland? Pan decides when people leave, and I doubt he’d let her leave just to pay a visit with the Evil Queen. But then and again maybe it was all part of his big plan.

Oh. Pixie dust doesn’t dictate who your true love is. It just shows you possibilities. That’s not what you said before, Tinker Bell!

Regina, we all know you spared her because she’s your ex-girlfriend.

Actually, this visit from Tinker Bell is odd because she doesn’t seem angry at all like when she, like, wanted to kill Regina in 3x03. How did she go from, “okay. I lost my wings because of you but it’s all cool. I just want my otp together.” to “I’m gonna f***ing drug you with pixie dust and rip your heart out!”?

Also, this is the Evil Queen I like to see. So cold, terrifying and breaking on the inside. I’m not a fan of the humorous one in 6x02. I wish Split Queen was more like this as well. Ah different writers and director. Interesting.

Split Queen: “…not some burlap-loving peasant who sleeps on dirt.” Wish Robin: “Excuse me, I sleep on hay.” Important distinction!

Snow’s so excited about the wedding, bless her.

Lol Zelena just drags Emma’s hand to look at her ring. My girl loves shiny things! And how could I forget, her otp is getting married! She is in heaven right now!

I love Emma just casually talking to Zelena like they’re gal pals at a sleepover. More of this please! 

I can see what sqers say about this scene. Regina really does look hurt by the notion of Emma getting married. There is no heterosexual reason for her to react like this unless she’s in love with Hook. I think this is the only time they hug. Man, I feel so bad for sqers because upon this rewatch I can really see where they are coming from with that interpretation. It’s definitely there. And then they hug because Emma’s getting married to someone else. I would be so upset if that was my otp. What am I talking about, I watched 10 seasons of Smallville as a hardcore Chloe x Clark shipper. I think this exact scenario played out and it freaking hurts! 

In other news, I am so in love with Snow. Have I mentioned that? I feel like I haven’t mentioned it in a while and it needs to be said. 

I’m also in love with David, in case you forgot. I want to join their marriage. Can I join their marriage? I’m joining their marriage. Emma, I’m your mummy now. Don’t think about the age difference too much. 

I’ve eaten a lot of chocolate already today. Can you tell? I feel so alive! I want to share my social security number and be freeee!! I am trying to block out my anxiety about having to move house again next friday. Yep, that’s right, 4th place in two years. I think I will write all of these high on chocolate.

What would happen if you cut your hair with those sheers? Or your garden bush? No, that is not a euphemism, you dirty bastards (affectionate). 

I haven’t had a haircut in 10 years. Holy cow! That’s why my afro is so big, it’s full of secrets. 

Nemo is your dad now, Hook. Even though I’m pretty sure he’s a lot younger than you. 

He called him “My boy.” hehe.

I remember when I thought Hook and Rumple had the same mother. That would have been quite the twist.

I thought that vase of flowers was a giant cauliflower. Did you know broccoli, cauliflower, cabbages, brussels sprouts and turnips are all related? I wonder what thanksgivings are like when they all get together. Probably not fun for them. 

See what I did there xD? 

Emma: “This is my fault. I’m the one who convinced you to bring him here. It’s on me.” Regina: “Emma, you don’t have anything to make up for. You were just trying to help.” Omg, this compared to when she told Emma she’d ruined her life because Emma saved Marian. The development. I really appreciate this change because I nearly lost it with Regina when that was her attitude. 

Screw it, I’m making bean enchiladas. Brb. I’ll save you some!

I’m back! They’re in the oven. Anyone wants the recipe hmu! They’re veggie! 

You just know Split Queen and Wish Robin have a sexy dungeon in their castle. They just do.

Enchanted ropes would have been useful in so many situations.

The enchiladas are ready! Repeat after me, Becky: “I will remember oven gloves this time, I will remember oven gloves this time.”

Robin is so into Split Queen. He wants her to live with him and everything, even though they just met. 

I don’t think that arrow would have taken her to Robin since it takes her to the thing she loves most. She can’t love someone she’s never met. We all know it would shoot Christina right in the ass. That’s true love biatches! Evil Peasant 5ever!

Oh snap! Emma found Hook looking at himself killing her grandfather??! I completely forgot about this!

Why does she say, “That’s David’s father”? Why doesn’t she say, “That’s my grandfather,” or “That’s my dad’s dad”? She hasn’t called her dad ‘David’ in years. It’s like she’s trying to separate herself from the victim as much as possible.

She’s not even a little bit upset he killed her dad’s dad? That that event caused her father so much pain? She’s just infuriated that he tried to burn his memory. I mean, yes, she should be angry about that but where’s the empathy for her dad at least? I didn’t know any of my grandfathers well but if I found out I was engaged to someone who did that I would be angry for my grandparent, angry for my parent and angry for myself. I’m just speechless that that’s all she cares about. It seems so out of character. But then and again Regina had her other grandad killed. 

And now he’s gonna leave because he rightfully got told off. Can’t say I’d offer the same thing but she said, “until you’re ready” not “you’ll never be ready”, dude. 

I think he’s just scared David will punch him in the face at this point. It’s the only explanation for doing the exact opposite thing Emma asked of him.

“Captain Hook is always welcome on the Nautilus.” More like welcome on the naughty list after that stunt.

She doesn’t want a man, Henry Sr. She just confessed her deep, passionate, sexual love for Christina like 20 minutes ago, remember? Sometimes I wonder why I bother. It’s not even subtext, dude. Get it together, man.

Why don’t they fight themselves with magic?

Her dad is so heartbroken the person Regina hates most is herself. 

That is really sad that the person she hates most his herself. I can relate.

Yes! Launch those apples at yourself! 

My conversations with myself be like-

Oh boy. This is too reminiscent of conversations with myself. Yes, I sword fight myself wearing a fancy black, cleavage-revealing dress in my head all the time. Only joking, I wear trilby hats. 

Oh okay. Now they’re tying each other up. I see what this is really about. I still haven’t bleached the “we do like it rough, don’t we Regina?” line from my mind. 

I suppose she did take back some of her own darkness. But I was hoping she would just merge herself back together. That would have been a really predictable outcome, but I just would have preferred it. 

This scene is so weird lol, but it helped me tremendously. I used to hate myself so, so much. You don’t even understand. It was like a violent hatred for myself for not fitting in and for every single little mistake I’d ever made. Then with a lot of self- healing and the help of this episode I began my journey into loving myself. I wrote on a sticky note “Love yourself. If the Evil Queen can do it, so can you.” and stuck it to my wall. Nothing I’ve done is comparable to what the Evil Queen has done and if she can learn to love herself, why can’t everyone else. Anyone who’s struggling with self-hatred, please take this episode to heart. You are worthy of love, most importantly from yourself. Any time you find yourself hating yourself just try to remember this scene and that the flipping Evil Queen of all people recognised the importance of self-love and didn’t give a damn what anyone else thought. She damn well gave herself a chance. I’ve heard a good technique is looking in the mirror and telling yourself what you love about you. Even if you’re not feeling it at first, you could get into the habit of it and your brain will start to accept those words as true. Because they are true.

Aww she sees the Charmings as her family. 

Regina: “it did give me hope when I needed it most, and that is just as important.” Oh my God, preach the word Regina! Regina is preaching with fire today! 

It’s like she’s having a therapy session with herself. I need to do that. I really do. Then I need to get actual therapy lol xD. But baby steps! 

Okay. A loophole as to how he can change Split Queen’s story. You know what, at this point I’ve learnt just to go with it.

Can Snow and Zelena be best friends? Please. It’s literally all I want in life. And to join Snowing’s marriage. I’m not asking for much. I’ll talk about it in self-therapy.

Henry’s got Gideon’s haircut now. He wants to be cool like his uncle.

I want to look at myself with the love and adoration Regina looks at herself with. We should all get to that point where we look like we’re about to intensely make out with ourselves when we look in the mirror. 

I know what they were doing with page 23. I just wish Split Queen had changed her outfit so it could have been exactly like the page illustration. But I don’t think it was meant to predict the future. It was just one of Isaac’s fanfictions, wasn’t it? Hmm. I think it was a mystery to him as well if I can remember correctly.

It’s nice that oq shippers got their ship in the end in one form.

Snow is just constantly high up to her eyeballs on hope, bless her. 

Emma needs a dog. She seems like such a dog person.

Also, that enchilada was yumilicious, if I do say so myself.

[sssn-neptune-vasilias]

RWBY vs Comic

Alright, I said I was gonna do this back when the comic first started getting published but I got so frustrated reading it that I couldn’t actually keep up with it enough go through with it. I think I stopped around issue 4 because that was when I just got angry and threw my comic back into the plastic. I figure now’s as good a time as any since I’m actually rereading it now. My whole issue with the RWBY DC comics is that they’re super canon divergent but somehow still canon material. It’s so frustrating that this is the case because we’re supposed to take into account things that happen in the comic as gospel- things like Adam revealing he’d always been genocidal, Bumbleby’s bottlecap, Weiss’ zoo animal arc, etc, but a lot of these different story arcs don’t make sense in our current canon. So I’m gonna talk about them because why not.

 Issue #1:

The first issue actually isn’t that bad- mostly because it’s just an intro to the series- but there are still some huge inconsistencies between the comic and official canon.

These two panels are a fucking mess.

1) Ruby was passed out when she was delivered to Patch by Qrow. She’d just used her Silver Eyed Warrior powers for the first time, hurt Cinder, frozen the dragon, and passed out. We were literally forced to listen as Qrow carried Ruby out of the rubble and back home, because she was unconscious. But the comic has her just arriving back home all on her own. “I came back to my dad’s house.” No you didn’t, you literally woke up in your bed after what must’ve been days of being unconscious.

2) We know Blake didn’t get to Menagerie on a little wooden boat. We all watched the episode. It was a decent sized ship with multiple crew members, dozens of passengers, and literal armaments designed to destroy Grimm. Sun can’t hide in a robe for 3+ days on this boat. This boat wouldn’t have survived a Grimm attack in the first place. Idk why they decided to draw this boat instead of just drawing the Pride the way it was designed in the first place, but whatever I guess.

RNJR didn’t tell Taiyang they were leaving. Ruby and her team just left. There was a whole scene dedicated to showing the shock and horror on Tai’s face as he saw Ruby’s letter and ran out of the house hoping to catch up to his daughter before she left. Also not as important but still relevant, RNJR left during winter. There was snow on the ground. I don’t see no snow in this panel- that tree looks real green. That last issue is mostly a nitpick- who cares what season they left in tbh. But the fact that they just wrote this panel into the comic despite the fact canon shows Taiyang had no idea of Ruby’s departure- and the fact that Ruby’s departure is actually really important to a bunch of later scenes in this show is really fucking weird.

Issue #2:

I know we know next to nothing about Raven Branwen, but holy fucking shit do I wanna believe this is ridiculously out of character for her. You’re telling me that Raven actually did come visit Yang and Tai and Ruby, but the one time she ever made her presence known to any of them was to berate and terrify Ruby the one time she’d learned anything about Summer?! Like BRO. This is so fucked up! This is too fucked up! This is straight early 90′s level villainy right here. What was even the point behind this?! This scene tells us that she felt so negatively about Summer Rose that she was willing to break her silent cover just to disillusion Ruby for no other reason than to tell her she was weak. Which makes no fucking sense because when we finally meet her during season 5 Raven has nothing bad to say about Summer at all! What did Qrow say to her after they spoke? “Hey sis why the fuck are you flying around your ex’s home scaring his daughter who just lost her mother? You realize you’re talking shit about the woman who raised your child too right?” Like, this is so wildly terrible, that if we’re meant to take this into account, I don’t see how anyone who reads these comics could say anything positive about Raven ever again. This is strike one, two and three for her entire characterization.

Issue #4:

I’ve said it already but fuck this boat.

Not so much an issue with the comic as it is with RoosterTeeth’s sometimes sloppy storytelling, but we really need an exact age on Adam. Is this man a pedophile? We know Blake is about twelve here, meanwhile- besides looking maybe a little scrawnier- Adam looks the same as he did during the show. How old is this kid right here? Fifteen? Seventeen? Was he 20 during the events of volume 1? Was he 25? I really dislike this specific problem RT has created because at no point during canon were we led to believe that Adam was significantly older than Blake or our other characters, but here in the comic we’re getting huge pedo vibes. Idk if this was RoosterTeeth retroactively trying to throw Adam’s character even further into question but... Idk man, RT y’all need to hurry up and carbon date this kid because I’m really not liking this.

I’m not gonna harp on the whole “Adam as a revolutionary vs Adam as a genocidal maniac” issue again. Most of y’all already know where I stand on this and have either made up your minds that either, yes, Adam’s sudden change towards being genocidal after being forcibly conscripted by Cinder doesn’t make much sense, or, no, Adam’s behavior is entirely in line with what little we’d seen of him up to that point in the story. I’m not trying to change anyone’s opinions on this issue, I’ve got about a dozen other posts for that. My issue with these panels specifically is that this is the moment Blake discovers Adam is genocidal. This is the moment Blake realizes that Adam never wanted peace, never wanted coexistence, never wanted what the White Fang actually wanted in the first place. He wanted Faunus supremacy- a goal entirely removed from the White Fang’s goal of equality between Faunus and humans. This is the moment Blake realizes that his ideology is so far from what it is she herself wants. If this is correct, why does Blake never mention this AT ALL when she’s talking about Adam. When the conversation comes up during season 3, she specifically states that Adam’s change was gradual. Not that he’d been hiding who he really was from her but that he’d become a completely different person from the man she’d originally known. I recognize that a lot of people say that this could be explained away as evidence of Blake’s abuse- oftentimes abusers don’t even realize just how monstrous their abusers are, even after they’ve escaped from said abuse. But this is just such a monumentally larger issue than manipulation and abuse. Adam is outright saying that he wants genocide! He’s not trying to hide it, he’s not trying to lie, he’s not trying to manipulate her! He’s telling her explicitly that he wishes he could kill as many humans as possible. But during the Black Trailer she’s still asking Adam about the crew members as if they hadn’t had this conversation hours ago! During season 2 she’s drawing him in her notebook as if she misses him! During season 3 she’s explaining that he’s simply misguided! This is apologia of the umpteenth level that is absolutely inexcusable. If I’m honestly supposed to be made to believe that Blake knew Adam was genocidal from before the events of the Black trailer and season 1 but still had feelings for him... I’m sorry but I’ve lost any and all respect for her entire character. You can’t have feelings for someone who’s genocidal- who you know is genocidal- and expect sympathy. No amount of abuse would forgive someone for having feelings for Hitler.

I recognize the comics aren’t supposed to be a shot for shot recreation of the show, but what the fuck is this panel? The frame of Adam dismembering Yang was such a good, amazing, impactful frame. The black and red framing, the yellow of Yang’s hair and weapons, the red of Adam’s sword. Why would you not even try to recreate that?

Leaving nitpicks for the end, really wish they hadn’t used “sunflower” here. That’s Yang/Ren. But again, the comic is made by people who aren’t in the fndm and don’t interact with the RWBY community at large in the first place, so of course they wouldn’t know.

Issue #5:

Why does Blake seem so ooc here. Like, the fact that she’s trying to make Weiss feel guilty for “cheating” in a “win by any means necessary” free for all match is really??? Weird??? When we know Blake isn’t above using underhanded tricks herself considering what she did to Reese during the tournament and her Semblance in general??? But whatever, that’s mostly a nitpick as well.

Issue #7:

My issue with this story is that it ends with Yang like, wistfully thinking of spending more time with Blake. But this is before she even put the prosthetic on. This is before she even got to talk with Weiss after meeting up with Raven. This is so early on in her healing process that I find it extremely difficult to believe that Yang is fondly remembering any time she spent with Blake. When Ruby talks to her during 3.12, she was angry that Blake had left her! Abandoned her! And then in the conversation she has with Weiss that happens after this event in the comic she’s still frustrated with Blake for leaving. So like... did she suddenly forgive Blake just a few weeks into her recovery and then relapse back into feeling like she’d abandoned her? Wtf is this?

Issue #9:

I know she’s obviously supposed to be drunk here, and we barely got to know her during the short scenes she had, but like... she never struck me as this kind of person. To literally forget how old her daughter is? Like...???? The same woman who was so perceptive she was able to recognize that Whitley was acting out because he’d felt lonely and abandoned by his sisters? Doesn’t know how old one of her children is? This is silly.

This isn’t the same woman we met during season 7. This isn’t the same quick witted woman who immediately directed Weiss to the cameras she’d hidden around the house when it was time to spring the trap on Jacques. This isn’t the same woman who was so honest when she admitted to her own faults just a few short months after this scene supposedly took place. You could argue that the events of this comic are what led Willow to become the person we meet later on, but like... That’s an absolutely ridiculous amount of offscreen growth you’re expecting me to just assume has happened. These aren’t the same people. This is ridiculous.

Issue #12:

This seems so ooc for Sun. Why is he literally begging her to run away and not face a problem when his entire relationship with Blake up to and past this point is him teaching Blake to love herself enough to face her problems head-on in the first place? This is so weird and gross imo because it just feels like they’re warping Sun’s character to make it look like Yang is the only good influence in her life when that’s simply not the case. Every conversation Sun has with Blake from season 1 to season 6 is him telling her that she deserves happiness, love, and to forgive herself. There are multiple songs about this aspect of their relationship! Sun has helped Blake grow just as much as Yang has. Why is Sun taking this approach to manipulate Blake into staying silent about something that’s bothering her? On top of that, Sun’s never been the brightest banana of the bunch anyway, why the FUCK is he smart enough here to recognize that if Blake tells the truth and makes those people feel bad, that they’d draw more Grimm? He’s never been this intuitive before. It really feels like they made him smarter than he normally is just to make him scummier than he’s ever been so that we could feel that Blake’s relationship with Sun is less than her relationship with Yang. Awful writing and characterization from the RWBY DC team here

Issue #13:

This is so wrong and despicable and manipulative and terrible. Again, this isn’t the same woman we met in the show. 

Willow never made excuses for herself or her actions like this. Not once during the entire time she was on screen did she do anything like this. She knew she wasn’t a great mother and she took full responsibility for her actions- and inaction- I don’t know WHY she’s trying to excuse herself here. This is more Cruella De Ville than it is Willow Schnee.

I’m not gonna explain how lumping this “prized menagerie” story with “Faunus slave labor” story together is godawful but just recognize that it’s Black History Month and this plot point they decided to write in is not MLK approved.

Anyway, that’s the whole RWBY DC run. All in all it wasn’t the worst adaptation of an established series, but goddamn. I’d rank this up there with Eragon or Percy Jackson or the end of the Soul Eater anime or something. This is such a slap in the face by people who obviously only ever skimmed through the show for the explicit purpose of writing this series that I’ve read fancomics and fanfiction that handle canon better than this. It’s really frustrating too because this comic run is like, beloved by certain people in the fndm who are only in this for the ships, and people who refuse to see anything wrong with this series ever. The healthy servings of Bumbleby and crumbs of Monochrome and White Rose are apparently enough to make people go “fuck all the inconsistencies, this comic is great.” Cannot express how much these people make me wanna slam my head into a wall. 

I did this just to highlight all the issues I have with the run, but I’m sure other people have other issues with this comic than I do. Have fun in the comments I guess.

[the-inc-den]

I Think This Could Be the Start of a New Life (The Inc Den)

A/N: Oh hi 👋🏻. Here’s the first piece I guess. Figured I’d get everyone introduced. I hope you enjoy them because I love everyone dearly. so yeah.

Warnings: None? swearing I guess, but this is SFW

Summary: River would really like to stop being sexiled from their apartment.

Word Count: 4.5K

River was lounging on the couch in the main space of their apartment waiting for their roommate Lacey to come out of the bathroom. Literally lounging as one foot was propped up on the couch while the other stayed on the floor, careful to keep their still shoe wearing foot off the couch lest Nox or Lacey throw a fit. They were scrolling through their phone and half answering texts from their work group chat, Al and Roger debating pop music influences with commentary chimed in from time to time. They tapped their foot to some mental tune they were playing to keep themselves occupied, probably something that was on Drake’s playlist that they’d heard at work. River had to wonder if Nox was in the room and waiting for them to leave before coming out, but they were probably still curled up under Lacey’s bed. River threw their head back and let out a groan as they looked at the clock on their phone, Lacey’d been getting ready for nearly an hour.

“Lace, c’mon, do you want to get to Labyrinth before last call or not?” They called. They hardly remembered why they had agreed to accompany Lacey on her night out, she was just going to meet up with Scott and then sexile River from the apartment. Then River would have to call up Drake or Roger or Al and crash on their couch and they weren’t super keen on doing that tonight, their hips still hurt from the last time they’d had to. Lacey exited the bathroom with her red hair curled and her makeup done to perfection which was really impressive, River just wished it didn’t take an hour to do.

“Please tell me you’re not going out like that?” Lacey pleaded. River looked over their outfit: ripped jeans, Converse that had seen better days if the faded canvas and scuffed bottoms were any indication, and their “River’s Fight School” t-shirt that Lacey had made them after the “worst breakup she’d ever experienced” that had ended with River threatening to kick the ex’s ass. The outfit had been what they’d worn on shift and it’d been fine, mostly because unlike Roger, they never dressed to impress at the shop.

“I am, because may I remind you I’m not keen on impressing anyone. Besides, I wanna sleep comfortably on whatever couch I have to end up crashing on.” River replied with only a dash of bitterness sneaking into their tone. Lacey rolled her eyes and slid her boots on.

“Fine, fine, c’mon,” Lacey said. River stood up and grabbed their jacket off the couch arm.

“Nox, don’t tear the apartment apart!” River shouted into the apartment as they closed the door. Their typical parting words to the shadow monster who lived under Lacey’s bed.

The duo walked to Labyrinth with little fuss, minus Lacey occasionally twirling her hair around her finger. After six years of friendship, River knew that she was nervous about something.

“Are you and Scott okay?” They asked.

“What? Oh! Yeah, totally, work’s just been a pain and I’m… wait what —“

“You’re twirling your hair,” River said, miming the gesture by twisting their bangs out of their face. Lacey looked over at her finger and immediately dropped her hand.

“Damn you Rio,”

“You love me,” they were quick to interject with a smile. Lacey chuckled as they approached the bar. Frankie was standing outside and Lacey smiled up at the rakassha as she entered and River gave a mock salute. “Evenin’ Frankie,” they said and received a nod in response. River walked in and was almost smacked by the noise. Boys Don’t Cry was playing over the speakers as the bar and surrounding tables were crowded. As to be expected on a Friday night.

“Lacey Loo!” A male voice yelled from one of the side tables. Lacey grinned as she turned to greet the voice. Decked in a red plaid shirt and good jeans was Scott, the himbo werewolf boyfriend. He was a good guy, he and River got along when they hung out together, they were just… loud when it came to nightly extracurriculars, and that was before getting into the whole “is a werewolf” thing. River nodded that they were taking their leave as Lacey went over to Scott and they found themselves going to the bar. They waited for the bartender to finish dealing with some newbies as they took their seat in their usual stool. It was a miracle that as busy as the bar was, they managed to snag it. If River didn’t know any better, they might’ve thought that Chrissa was saving it for them. They watched the orc bartender work, she eventually turned around and seemed relieved to see River.

“Finally, someone easy,” she said with a sigh. River chuckled and smiled.

“Hey Chrissa, my usual?” They asked.

“One mildly large glass of Coca Cola, coming up.” She said as she pulled a glass and the soda gun. Chrissa filled it and slid it to River with a smile, garnished with its usual orange umbrella, a mental note to whoever came on shift after Chrissa or simply any passing waiter that River wasn’t drinking. They snuck a glance around the bar, trying to spot if there was anyone they knew hanging around. Other than Scott and Lacey cozied up in the corner, the answer seemed to be a resounding no, not that it wasn’t expected. River sighed and went back to focusing on Chrissa doing her work. They’d always had a fascination with watching the bartender work, it was always interesting, trying to follow Chrissa’s hands move and grab the bottles without thinking too hard about what they were, measuring the liquor with ease that only came from repeated movements and months of training before her first shift. Laurence had hired her after he got tired of working the bar himself, roughly around the same time River and Lacey had started frequenting the place when they first moved to the city.

Chrissa dealt with some customers at the other end of the bar before coming back in front of River.

“How was work by the way?” She asked. River shrugged in response.

“Wasn’t too bad, mostly just stayed in the basement with Drake.” They said, the record shop they worked at had a light dampened basement for those who didn’t do well with sunlight, which included their vampire coworker. River just liked it because it was usually a lot quieter than working the upstairs front counter. Even if Al sometimes sent the most ridiculous requests down to them.

“No wonder you’re so fucking pale,” Chrissa joked as she cleaned glasses. River just rolled their eyes.

“Hey, I’m pale because of a lot of reasons. The basement and Nox are just two of the reasons.” They remarked.

“How is Nox by the way?”

“Good, he’s mostly keeping to himself, deep cleaned the apartment the other day and I didn’t even know he could do that.”  River remarked with a chuckle. Nox didn’t pay rent, but he usually made up for it by keeping the apartment clean when Lacey and them couldn’t. “I think he wrote something about wanting to try manifesting fully again while we were there, but we haven’t been in the apartment at the same time long enough.”

“Scott?” Chrissa asked. River groaned and nodded.

“I swear, it’d be easier if they just moved in together so I could start looking for other roommates, but they’re “still taking it slow”.” River remarked.

“Heads up, someone headed your way,” Chrissa said, her tone of voice taking on a dash of an edge. River furrowed their brow until they turned and saw a purple skinned woman stride toward them with a glint in their eyes that River had a sneaking suspicion they should fear.

“Do you?” River asked with a slight head tilt of confusion

“Yeah, if it were anyone else, I’d say run.”

“But it’s me so…”

“Oh I’m so looking forward to what comes next.” Chirssa said with a laugh as they moved down the bar a bit. The woman who finished coming over made a show of coming next to River without getting into their personal space. River watched them out of the corner of their eye, waiting to see what the play was.

“What’re you drinking sweetie?” The woman asked. She had wavy purple and pink hair with white ox horns that curved just below her chin.

“Just soda, I’m a DD tonight,” River lied. Not about the soda, but about being the DD. Really, they were waiting for the text that said they were out of an apartment tonight, but DD seemed like the safer excuse.

“Ah, the responsible friend, those are always nice to have, I’ve never had the luck,” the woman said with a smile. Her voice sounded like honey and it was pleasant to listen to. But between Chrissa’s warnings and this woman seeming to lay on thick whatever it was they were trying, River let a chuckle escape them. “What?” she asked with a slight tilt of her head.

“You’ve struck out Misae,” Chrissa said, coming back over with a martini glass with pink liquid in it. “You managed to pick the one ace human in the whole establishment.”

“I doubt that,” River remarked, the venn diagram of “ace being” and “human” in this establishment was a thin middle ground, but not one person thin. At least, as far as River knew. Misae however chuckled and smiled.

“Then I’m terribly sorry about all of that,”

“Ah don’t worry about it, you’re still pretty and I like getting hit on by pretty women even if they are trying to mildly charm me.” River said with a grin. “I’m River,” they said, offering their hand.

“Misae as Chirssa mentioned, charmed to meet you River,” She said, shaking hands with a gentle grace. When they released each other's hands, Misae furrowed her brow. “Nothing?” She asked which got another laugh out of River. “Not a thing,” they said.

“Wow…” Misae said with a sigh as she took a sip of her drink. River thought she’d leave and go find another target before a grin came onto her lips. “Would you mind coming and pranking my friends? I’ve got one who needs to be taken down a peg and I think you’ll be my secret weapon.” She asked. River looked over at Chrissa who gave a short nod.

“If it’s who I think it is, they’ll knock him down several pegs.” She said, River turned back to Misae who was still grinning, more conspiratorial than sensual, they snuck a quick glance to where Lacey and Scott were still curled up together before facing Misae again.

“Yeah why not,” they said as they popped off their barstool. Misae giggled and offered her hand, a hand that River took, as she dragged them to a booth tucked into the back of the bar, it was an eight person booth currently filled with three similar looking individuals, in so much as they weren’t human and definitely had demonic lineage. River did their best to not make assumptions, but judging on what Misae had brought them over to achieve, the members of the table were all various forms of incubi. Concubi? Was that the technical term? One on the edge of the seating arrangement was a light blue man with his horns curving up from his forehead and a darker blue coloring on his cheek that River had a hard time telling if it was a blush or makeup.

“Mis, who’s this?” He asked, his voice slightly higher than expected and a curious look on his face.

“This is River, River this is Azzy,” the light blue one who smiled slightly and River was pretty convinced that this was the closest they were going to experience an embarrassed incubus. “Kori,” a maroon inc who seemed to be the eldest of the group as he simply smiled at their appearance. He had long hair tied up in a bun and River felt a little bit more at ease seeing him. “And Joliet,” another maroon skinned being who was grinning, he also had tied up black hair, though he wore jewelry on his horns. “Where’s Rose?” Misae asked as she gestured for River to sit next to Joliet. She sat down next to Azzy across the table and River tried not to feel like they’d been suddenly thrown off the deep end.

“Bathroom.” Azzy said.

“Biblically speaking,” Joliet quickly added. River chuckled a little at the need for clarification. Something told them that for him it was actually necessary. They also suspected he was probably their target.

“Ah, well, that’s chill.”

“Mis what are you planning?” Kori asked with a slight glare directed at his friend. Ah, he was the dad friend.

“Oh nothing, just a lil bit of karmic justice,” Misae said with a grin that was anything but innocent. Joliet leaned over to River and whispered in their ear.

“Blink twice and I’ll get you out of here,” he said with a smirk. River stared at him with a smirk of their own and Joliet broke into a laugh. “Oh they’re good,”

“Seriously Mis, what’s going on?” Kori asked.

“It’s payback for Rose stealing my mark last week.” Misae said.

“And how is this gonna be payback?” Kori asked. “You just put a perfectly beautiful human in front of him, if anything all this is going to do is insure none of us sleep tonight,” he said.

“Oh you’ll see,” Misae said, throwing a wink River’s way. River tried to not blush at being called beautiful and simply kept their game face on.

“What’ll Kor see?” A navy blue inc asked. He wore a grey t-shirt and dark black jeans and River saw the issue. Between golden eyes and a charisma that dripped off of him, even as unaffected as River was, he knew who and what he was and was well aware that manipulating people was second nature. He’d been looking over at Kori before scanning the table and landing on River. “Oh… oh hello,” he said. His voice was warmer than Misae’s was, more a whiskey than a true honey, but it didn’t hit River the way they imagined he intended. “If you’d scootch in sugar,” he said. To play along, River did so, pressing a little closer to Joliet in the process. River snuck a glance at the others who all looked a little nervous, even Misae, but River softly shook their head, hiding it by pushing their bangs off their forehead a bit. “Now, hello. I’m Rosair, you can call me Rose,” he said as he offered his hand to shake. River took it with a smirk of their own.

“Nice to meet you Rose, River,” they said. Rosair took their hand and kissed the back of it and River chuckled. “You do this to all the pretty people who cross your path?” They asked.

“Yes,”

“Then I can see why Misae and Chrissa put me up to this,” they said with a chuckle. Rosair furrowed his brow to which River only grinned. “I’m ace Rose, you’re just pretty.” Rosair looked over at Misae who was grinning.

“Payback’s a bitch Rosie,” she said.

“Ah no matter, you’re still here.” he said with a small smirk that seemed to indicate he wasn’t done yet.

“Sure,” River said as they tapped his shoulder. “So, other than trying to pick up people at bars, what do you lot do?” They asked with a tilt of their head. Even Misae looked a little surprised at the question. “What? You think I’m just gonna go back to the bar and go back to sitting alone? C’mon now, you guys are not that dumb.” Joliet broke out of the stunned silence first with a laugh.

“You’ll have to forgive them, they’re very used to transactional interactions and have not quite figured out just normal interactions, I work at a tattoo parlor.” He said with a smile.

“Interesting, Kori?” River asked, glancing a little around Joliet.

“Oh uh, I work at a bakery. Mostly donuts and cake.” He said.

“I’ll definitely have to try it some time, assuming you’re any good,”

“I’m mostly the counter, but Mandy, who actually owns the place, is quite good.” Kori clarified.

“Azzy?” River asked with a raised eyebrow, watching him fight off the dark blue crawling onto his cheeks.

“I work at a thrift shop.”

“I’m a grad student,” Misae said, “mostly focusing on art and culture, and Rosair’s a mooch.”

“I think the technical term is gold digger,” Joliet commented.

“I thought it was drifter,” Kori chimed in.

“None of you are correct, I’m a freelancer.” Rosair said with a roll of his eyes.

“That’s what we said: a freeloader.” Azzy said and River had to quickly get closer to Joliet as Rosair nearly vaulted over the table to get at his friend. River laughed a little and looked over at Rosair for the first time since he sat down.

“What’s your specialty?” They asked leaning on the table and cutting off the others physically a bit, which got a gasp from Joliet.

“Graphic design,” he said.

“You any good?”

“I’ve been told so, but you’re welcome to find out,” he said with a smirk returning. River laughed a little.

“Okay, yeah, I walked into that one,” they said as the giggles subsided.

The conversation continued on like that for a while, giggles and quips and jokes at everyone’s expense. River learned that Kori, Misae, and Azzy had known each other since high school, Joliet wasn’t technically an inc but his dad had been, so his cambion status gave him a weird in when they were in college with the other three, and Rosair had needed people to help pay the rent on his, in Azzy’s words, “fucking massive” apartment which had led to their loose confederation of people. Joliet called them “the Inc Den” which only got a groan out of Kori. They were pleasant and funny, and River tried not to think about how they were the first friends they’d made outside of work in three years.

When Misae had left the table to get drinks, River felt their phone vibrate and they tried not to groan as they fished it out of their pocket.

“Careful sugar,” Rosair said. He’d tucked himself in close next to River even after the rejection and they kept their phone in the pocket next to him.

“Shut up Rose,” they muttered as they clicked it on.

From Lacey Loo: hey…. I’m sorry. Tell drake i’ll pay for his breakfast.

River tried not to slam their head on the table in response. They tried not to think about how normal it was that Lacey didn’t even have to say much for River to get the whole picture. They changed their text channels and started texting Drake.

To Drake-ula: please tell me your couch is open

From Drake-ula: sorry dude, ditto situation

To Drake-ula: a) get some, roger’ll expect a review b) fuck you fine c) please tell me it isn’t roger

From Drake-ula: you think too lowly of me, it isn’t roger. And fuck you too, see you tomorrow.

River went to change chats again when Joliet piped up, “What’s with the angry eyes Riv?” He asked.

“My roommate just sexiled me and my go-to couch did the same.” They said as they pulled up Roger’s contact.

To Roger Snake: please tell me I can crash on a pile of pillows

The lack of instantaneous reply led to River looking at the time. The fact that it was a little after midnight meant Roger wouldn't even be up, the early sleeper he was. “Fuck!” They hissed.

“Aren’t you a little old to get sexiled?” Kori asked.

“Do you want to be in the same apartment as a werewolf having sex when he’s noisy even unshifted?” River asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Fair enough,” Kori said almost immediately. River sighed and tried to think of literally anyone else who might be okay with them crashing. Derek usually didn’t want anyone in his apartment except for holiday dinners, Chasen was out of town, and Al lived with six other people and they usually had people on the couch. They felt bad for Nox, who could technically leave the apartment, didn’t like doing it so they usually just suffered in silence and berated Lacey in the mirror the following morning.

“You could stay with us sugar,” Rosair said. River looked over at him with a look of confused amusement.

“Bet you say that to all the pretty people,”

“Actually we have a “no marks in the apartment” policy,” Azzy said. “It ensures we all sleep and don’t end up in this very situation,” he added.

“Why should I?”

“Because going back to your place means a very vocal werewolf,” Rosair said.

“And we have a pull out couch.” Kori cut in quickly.

“And they think you're cute and the fact that you haven’t run for the hills after nearly two hours with us is a sign they might want to keep you around,” Joliet whispered in River’s ear. Joliet had quickly become a grounding element at the table. He seemed to translate the unspoken wants of everyone with ease of exetend exposure. River tried not to flush a little at the comment.

“Can I convince you all to swear on no funny business?” They asked cautiously.

“Absolutely, just a couch,” Kori said. River looked over at Rosair who chuckled but nodded.

“On my name, there’ll be no funny business, just a couch.” River glanced at Azzy and Misae who nodded in agreement.

“We’re with them.” Misae said. River did a quick pro-con list in their head and sighed.

“Alright, yeah, I’d love it if I could crash on your couch,” they said.  

“Then we should probably get out of here,” Kori remarked. Misae stood up and allowed him and Azzy out of the booth. Rosair did the same for River and Joliet. River quickly realized that other than Azzy and Misae, River was the shortest amongst the group, and even Azzy had his horns for a little bit of extra height. As they started walking for the door, River caught Chrissa’s eye who only slightly furrowed her brow and came a dash closer

“Rio,” she said. The group stopped and River went over to the bar, leaning over on their elbows.

“What’s up?” They asked.

“You’re fully conscious and aware you’re leaving with these people right?” Chrissa asked. River chuckled slightly and nodded.

“Yeah, Drake’s got someone over and Lacey kicked me out, they’re letting me crash on their couch,” River said. They appreciated the check, really, it was out of character for River to leave Labyrinth with anyone other than Lacey, Drake, or even Roger if they managed to catch him early enough.

“Alright, text me in the morning, yeah?” She said, which River nodded without comment. They went back over to the others and they continued their way out of the bar, River saluting Frankie at the door as a symbol that they were leaving willingly. Frankie let out a low growl but nodded as they let Kori lead the group to the apartment.

It wasn’t a far walk from the Labyrinth, probably why they favored it like Lacey and River did, and it was actually surprisingly closer to work than River’s own apartment. Which meant it was in the opposite direction of their apartment making changing before work tomorrow a challenge. Maybe they could? No, no that’d be pushing it. They’d just ask Derek to have a spare set in the back room when they got in. When the group reached the complex, River realized why Rosair had needed help with the rent, it was not an inexpensive building, even if Rosair was as good as he said he was. They all piled into the elevator with Azzy practically leaning on Misae out of exhaustion. Kori was scrolling through his phone while Joliet was fishing out the keys. They reached the sixth floor and wandered down the hall a little before opening the door.

The main space was fairly open, a decent size kitchen off to the right, a television on a stand by far wall in between two doors. There was a small set of stairs that seemed to lead into a small hallway. If River had to guess, they were going to go with the idea that that’s probably where the den’s bedrooms were.

“Bathroom’s the left door, I’ll help with the couch when you come out,” Joliet said. Having been relieved from bed duty, Azzy and Misae wandered their way upstairs. River nodded once and wandered into the bathroom that was quite well furnished for a half bath. They quickly went and splashed some water on their face and came back to Kori and Joliet waiting for them. Joliet had tugged the bed out and it looked really comfy, even by pull out bed standards, as Kori had seemed to stack pillows and extra blankets on the end. Kori then handed over a pair of sweatpants.

“Figured you didn’t want to sleep in jeans,” he said and River couldn’t tell because the apartment was dark, but they could’ve sworn Kori was a little flustered.

“Thanks Kor,” River said with a small smile. Kori nodded and untied his hair as he wandered over to the stairs, shaking it out and running his hand through it. River tried not to be mesmerized by the gesture but based on Joliet’s chuckle they were unsuccessful.

“I’m pretty convinced that’s why he keeps it tied up,” Joliet remarked.

“Probably, he could cause traffic accidents like that.”

“Wait until he reminds you he can be a whore,” Joliet said.

“Huh?” River said with a small flush of pink.

“Kori doesn’t like to advertise he’s an incubus, rather just let people think he’s a slightly tall tiefling. Hell, if he could survive without having to feed, he’d do it. But every once and a while either Misae or Rosair will convince him to dress up and it tends to lead people to have a hard time keeping their hands to themselves.” Joliet said. “But, enough chatter, I’m the door to the right, if you need anything just knock. Most of us don’t get up before noon, but I’m your best bet if you need something in the morning.

“Like a different t-shirt?” River asked.

“Oh yeah, I’ll even loot a pair of underwear if you need it.”

“I don’t think--”

“Don’t worry, Rose won’t notice.” Joliet said with a smirk. River tried not to laugh too loudly at the prospect.

“Thanks Jols,” they said. Joliet grinned and held their arm out, allowing River to come into his side if they wanted to. They did, with ease tucking themselves into his side and receiving a quick squeeze.

“No worries darling, I’ll talk to you tomorrow, yeah?” He said with a smile. River nodded and quickly disappeared back into the bathroom to change into the sweatpants that anyone with eyeballs could tell weren't theirs, but they didn't really mind. They were comfy and that was all that mattered. They tiptoed back out and carefully curled up in the pile of blankets. This.... this was good.

[jalapeno-princess]

Second Chances

CEO Mark Tuan X Chef Reader

Word Count: 18.5K (Damn this is the longest imagine I’ve ever written I didn’t even realize how long it was)

Genre: Ex’s to Lovers, angst, fluff

Summary: There were no words to describe the love you and Mark had for one another. You were an aspiring chef and after graduating high school and going straight in to culinary school, everything seemed to be falling in to place for you. You were pursuing your dream career with the love of your life by your side. You felt as if life was going perfectly for you. That was until one night, something happens at a dinner party where he finds himself having to choose between you and his family and by choosing his family, he lost you. Years later, after starting up your own restaurant and becoming an extremely successful and renowned chef, your first catering client just so happens to be your ex-boyfriend and his soon to be wife.

A/n: Hey guys! A bitch is back and dying here in this quarantine. I hope you are all doing well. I AM SO FUCKING SHOOK OVER THEIR COME BACK LET ME TELL YOU I AM NOT BEING BIASED BUT THIS IS MY BABY MARK’S COMEBACK UGH DO NOT GET ME STARTED THAT MAN IS OTHERWORLDLY AND WE DON’T DESERVE HIM. Anyways, this imagine is based on the song “Once upon a dream” by Lana Del Rey and I don’t know why but lately, all her songs have been reminding me of Mark (I literally wrote at least 10 Mark imagines based on her songs ugh I can’t get over her last album and how almost every single song makes me think of Mark) I’m #sorrynotsorry this is so long but I hope you all enjoy! This is honestly the reason why I’m failing in my marine science class BUT WHATEVER (BTW, if you’re a JB stan, I suggest you stay away. Don’t say I didn’t warn you)

I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream I know you, that look in your eyes is so familiar a gleam And I know it's true that visions are seldom all they seem But if I know you, I know what you'll do You'll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream

“Hey boss, there’s a lady on the line. She’s wondering if we can cater to her wedding.” You smiled politely at your sous chef as he popped his head in to your office and silently thanked him before picking up the phone. 

“Thank you for calling Sunrise Restaurant, this is y/n. How may I help you today?” 

A soft and gentle voice quickly answered. “Hello. I’m a big fan of you and your cooking. I’ve been to your restaurant many times and I think your food would be perfect to serve to the guests at my wedding. Do you guys cater?”

You took a second to think about it. You owned a decent sized restaurant, but the amount of chefs you had were enough to cook for your customers. There were three sous chefs, two prep cooks and one line cook. No one has ever asked you to cater for an event before, so you didn’t think you and your team, no matter how talented and hard working they all were, were capable of taking on such a task. However, the thought of it did excite you. If things were to be a success and the guests of her wedding were to appreciate your food the way the lady on the phone seemed to, your restaurant would become even more successful this bringing in so much more customers. Without a second thought, you found yourself agreeing. 

“When is the wedding and approximately how many people are you planning on inviting?” The line went silent for a few seconds before she spoke up again. 

“It’s in August and I’m expecting at least 150 people. Is that okay?” You hummed in agreement while writing it down. Once you were finished with the call, you’d have to alert your team beforehand even if her wedding wasn’t for another five months. 

“Would you mind coming in sometime this week so we could talk about the menu?” Although you couldn’t see her, the way her pitch increased made it known that she probably had a huge grin on her face. 

“Of course! I’ll call you again to set up an appointment with you. You don’t know how much this means to me! Thank you so much! Have a wonderful day.”

As soon as you hung up, you released a long sigh. Sure, you were always up for a challenge, but you should’ve consulted with your fellow chefs before signing them up to something they may not want to be apart of. However, you were very confident in your team, you’ve been working with them for over three years. If anything, you considered them to be family rather than just mere employees. 

After taking a few moments to relax, you made your way towards the kitchen where they were all preparing their sections for dinner service. 

“Hey guys, I need to talk to you.” The smiles that were all on their faces as they chased each other around the kitchen soon were replaced with blank and worried expressions. 

“It’s nothing bad. Well, that’s my opinion. I don’t know how you all will feel about it and I should have talked to you before accepting the offer, but I agreed in catering to a wedding. I’m sorry if you guys don’t want to do that but—“ you let out a soft giggle when you saw all of them releasing breaths of relief. 

Two of your sous chefs Yugyeom and Jinyoung made their way toward you and tightly sandwiched you in between the two of them. Since both guys were quite taller and more broad than your petite frame, you were practically suffocating from their embrace and began playfully punching on their chests. 

“How is it that the tiniest one of us is the one who tells us what to do? You’re so cute y/n. Shit, you scared us. I thought the restaurant was closing or something.” 

You glared at the lanky boy and shoved him towards his section. “Hey! My restaurant is pretty amazing if I do say so myself. There’s no way I’d let this place shut down. I’ve worked too hard to open it up just to let it close.” 

Soon you felt another presence behind you and arms were wrapped around your waist as he placed his chin on your shoulder. “You better watch what you say Yugyeom. She might be tiny, but she’s feisty and at the end of the day, she cuts your checks.” You absentmindedly leaned back in to Jaebum’s chest but quickly came to your senses and remembered who you were currently surrounded by. “We’re perfectly capable of handling a wedding y/n. Don’t you trust us? If we can feed at least 600 people from the time we open to the time we close everyday I’m sure we can handle a wedding. We’ll be fine. You’re an amazing chef and a wonderful restaurant owner. The client chose you for a reason. There’s nothing to worry about.” You smiled softly at the older boy while he playfully pinched your cheek, earning the two of you groans from the others. 

“Stop trying to butter up the head chef Jaebum. Just because the two of you have a little thing for each other—OW. I can’t cook if my arm is in pain. Control your woman Jaebum!” Your eyes widened in shock at BamBam’s sudden revelation and right as you were about to chase after him, Jaebum softly tightened his grip around your waist. 

“Don’t waste your time on him. We have customers to tend to chef. Come on, the sooner we finish, the sooner you and I can go out to dinner.” 

What you and Jaebum has was hard to describe. Out of the six guys, Jaebum was the first one you met three years ago in culinary school. He was always to himself and your classmates labeled him to be mysterious. There was one time the two of you were paired up for an assignment and it was in those few weeks of working alongside each other that you learned of how kind and extremely soft he was. To most people, he was intimidating and he hardly had any friends in your major because of it; but he liked it that way. That was until he made a friend in you and from that day on, the two of you were attached to the hip. 

He was the first person you reached out to when you began planning on opening up a restaurant and he was quick to agree to be one of your chefs. Although you’ve known him for quite some time now, the two of you only recently started developing feelings for each other a little over three months ago but even then, it never escalated in to more than just some flirtatious banter, lingering touches and stolen glances between you two. However, even if you wanted to consider Jaebum to be something more, your heart would never let you. 

As much as you kept trying to tell yourself it was because you didn’t want to lose your friendship with him if things were to go south between the both of you, you knew there was more to it. 

The night went off without a hitch as it did every night and once it was over, Jackson offered to treat everyone out to dinner as a way to celebrate your restaurant’s first catering opportunity. However, you were too tired and couldn’t wait to go to bed. This earned you multiple frowns and boos from the rest of the crew but Jaebum was quick to silence them with a scowl. 

“She’s had a long day. It’s understandable. You guys have fun, I’ll take her home-“ This brought even more boos but also a couple of winks and eyebrow raises from the two youngest chefs. 

“Just say you want to have y/n all to yourself. We all know neither of you are going to get any sleep tonight if you go home together—that’s it! The next time we wash uniforms I’m purposely putting a red sock in your pile you asshole. Good night y/n. Get some rest and we’ll see you again tomorrow.” 

You said your goodbyes to the guys while Jaebum reached for your things and led you to his car. “Congrats again y/n. This’ll be great publicity for the restaurant if things go well with the wedding.” You felt warmth rise to your cheeks as he opened the passenger door for you. Whenever any one of the other chefs would compliment you, you’d simply smile and thank them; but whenever Jaebum said something nice about you, you always found yourself blushing. 

Something about the way he’d look at you as if you were the only girl in the world would send butterflies to your tummy. However, he had yet to take things further between you both and you felt as if he was hesitant for the same reasons you were. But you liked how things were going with you and Jaebum, and your restaurant  was your main focus as of right now. A relationship wasn’t in your plans at the moment, especially because of how your last one ended.

“But what if it all goes to shit Jaebum? What if I mess up? What if the guests don’t like our food? What if we forget something once we get there and what if—“ he brought his finger up to your lips in attempts to prevent you from continuing saying such negative things about yourself. Jaebum thought the world of you and hated that you never saw yourself the way he saw you. 

From the first day he met you in college, he knew you were someone special. He saw how dedicated you were when it came to your craft and perfecting your dishes. He always looked up to you and could only dream of being even half of an amazing chef as you were. When you first called Jaebum to tell him you were opening your own restaurant and asked him to be one of your sous chefs, he wasn’t surprised to hear that you were opening your own restaurant. It was a dream of yours ever since you were a little girl. Jaebum was completely aware of how many extra hours you picked up at your job on top of being a full time student just to save up for a restaurant. Seeing as how you did it in less than a year after graduating was pretty impressive and he knew you had it in you. 

“Will you stop that? Stop thinking so negative about yourself y/n. You’re one of the best chefs in the state. They didn’t write about you in the newspaper for no reason. It’s obvious you have a gift y/n. That lady chose our restaurant out of the hundreds of other restaurants who are known for catering and you wanna know why? Because our food is spectacular. Our recipes, our menu. It’s unique, it’s different. Our staff is entertaining, you’ve decorated the place really nicely and guess what? The owner and head chef is an extraordinary person. You are a marvel y/n. Now stop worrying that pretty little head of yours and go get some rest. We have a long week ahead of us. I’ll see you tomorrow. Sweet dreams.”

The rest of the week went by far too quickly and finally, it was the day the soon to be newlyweds were coming in to meet with you about their wedding day. The bride Erica, whose name you learned when she set up a meeting with you two days after your first call, called you just a few minutes before her scheduled time to let you know she was running late but that her fiancé was almost there and that it was fine if the two of you started without her. 

You were in your office filing some paperwork when Youngjae came in and let you know that Erica’s fiancé was there. When you walked in to the dining area and saw who he was referring to, your heart sank to your chest. It was as if the whole room was spinning and you couldn’t breathe. 

Three years. 

It’s been three years since you last saw him. 

Three years since he let you walk away from his parent’s house in tears. 

It’s been three years since he broke your heart and now here he was, standing in your restaurant, waiting to meet with you to talk about his wedding. A wedding the two of you talked about many times in your almost seven years of dating. You felt like you were about to throw up. Was it too late to say you couldn’t do it? There was no way you’d be able to cater to your ex boyfriend’s wedding. You couldn’t stomach the thought. 

“Y/n, aren’t you coming?” You didn’t even realize you weren’t moving until you felt the older boy tug at your wrist. 

“Youngjae, I—“ If you were coming off as rude and unprofessional, you didn’t care. This was the man you thought you were going to spend the rest of your life with. Your first love, your soulmate, your best friend. How could you possibly cater to a wedding of a man you planned on marrying? There was no way you’d be able to do it without crying during the process. All the memories of your relationship to your last night together came rushing back and you felt tears brimming at your eyelids. Before you could turn around and attempt to walk away, you heard his breath hitch. 

“Y/n.” You released an exasperated sigh before making your way towards him. “Hey. It’s been a while.” As hard as it was seeing him after all these years, you had to put on a strong face and pretend like nothing was wrong. No matter how much you were on the brink of crying. You wouldn’t let yourself cry in front of him. He didn’t deserve you or your tears. 

“Please follow me. We have no time to waste. I have to start preparing for the lunch service.” The sharpness in your tone and the spine chilling glare you sent his way didn’t surprise Mark. He deserved it after what he put you through. What he wasn’t ready for, was seeing you after three years. He didn’t think he would be able to sit in a room alone with you without crying over what no longer was. 

Seeing you again after how things ended between the two of you only brought back images of your puffy red eyes and tear stained cheeks. It was the worst day of his life. 

When the two of you entered your office, you made your way towards your secret cabinet where you stored your alcohol and began preparing yourself a drink. When you heard him snicker, you rolled your eyes and took a shot. 

“Are you allowed to drink on the job?” You poured yourself a glass of red wine before finally taking your seat in front of him. 

“This is my restaurant. I can do whatever I want and I’m going to need a few sips of liquid courage if I’m going to have to deal with you.” He frowned before sitting up right so he could take a better look at you. From the day Mark met you, you always had a very bright and bubbly personality. You were one of the sweetest, kindest and most generous people Mark knew. But hearing you speak to him so harshly made him hate himself for turning you in to such a stone cold person. 

“Look y/n, I can already tell that you hate having me in your presence and I’m sorry this is happening right now. You don’t have to go through with this if you don’t want to. I can talk to Erica and we can find someone else—“ You shook your head in disagreement. 

“I am a chef. My professional life comes before my personal one. I’m fine. If you’re going to have a problem with dealing with me then you can go ahead and tell her you want to look someone else.” He furrowed his brows while biting his lip. It was something he did many times when he was contemplating something. You hated that you still remembered the meaning behind every single movement of his. 

“I’m happy to see that you followed your dreams of completing culinary school and opening your own restaurant. I’m proud of you y/n. And you haven’t changed a bit. Still breathtakingly beautiful, as you always were. Always will be.” You scoffed in disbelief. Was he really saying all of this to you? He was engaged to be married and yet complimented you on your looks. Sure, he made it known how beautiful he thought you were every single day back when the two of you were still together, but this was a completely different story. He also had the nerve to tell you he was proud of you for following your dreams when it was the reason for your breakup in the first place? You couldn’t believe your ears. 

You and Mark started dating in your freshman year of high school. He was a junior you had met in P.E. Him and his group of friends were known throughout your high school. He was the captain of both the baseball and soccer team and he was one of the only students with a car. A Lexus to be exact. Everyone was completely aware that Mark’s family owned one of the biggest technology companies in the country. However, he was very simple and modest. He wasn’t this narcissistic, big headed asshole that everyone assumed he was just because his family was rich. 

One day, your class was running the mile run when you tripped on a rock and sprained your ankle. Mark was quick to run towards you and didn’t hesitate to pick you up bridal style and carried you all the way to the nurse’s office. He stayed with you for the rest of the period and in that half an hour, the two of you talked about anything and everything your hearts desired. From that day on, you became really good friends and it didn’t take long for you to fall for him. He never failed to make you laugh at the cheesiest jokes, he would always bring you snacks and made sure you were eating your meals. He would drop you home from school almost every day and when the two of you exchanged phone numbers, he would find himself texting you all kinds of memes, videos and links to posts he’d find funny. 

Less than a month after your accident, he confessed his feelings for you and you were excited that he reciprocated your feelings. Dating Mark was a dream. You didn’t think he could be even more amazing as a boyfriend than he was a friend, but he proved you wrong. He took you on many dates that he’d plan out thoroughly, wrote you cute little love letters, attempted to help you with your studies even if most of the time you were together was spent making out and would end practice early just to spend as much time with you as he could. Since he was well aware that he was your first boyfriend, he let you control the pace of your relationship. He only did whatever you asked him to do and didn’t want to cross any boundaries in fear of scaring you away. 

Although he’s been in multiple relationships before, you were the first girl he’s ever been in love with and he had a huge feeling you were going to be the last.

When Mark graduated from high school, you were afraid the distance was going to take a toll on your relationship. However, Mark never failed to reassure you that nothing would change between the the two of you. If anything, it brought the two of you closer. He made sure to continue picking you up and dropping you off to school because on some days, that was the only time he got to see you. And he never failed to call you and text you when he missed you. 

Your life revolved around the older boy. He was all your heart knew and wanted to know. You started losing friendships because of how focused you were on your relationship but you didn’t care. Mark was your main priority and he made it obvious in his actions that he felt the same way about you. 

Once you graduated from high school, you went straight in to culinary school and to say you were excited was an understatement. Cooking was a passion of yours from the time you could talk. When your siblings would watch cartoons, you found yourself watching the food network. Instead of joining a sport or some kind of dance class, you joined cooking and baking classes. There was something about the art of cooking that went beyond just throwing some instant noodles in to a pot of boiling water. 

Cooking meant more to you than what it did to most people. You were lucky that you had a boyfriend that was extremely supportive in your dreams and your goals. No matter how many times you told him no, Mark would buy you everything you needed in order to cook. All the supplies you needed in your classes, he bought nothing but the best brands. There were some days you felt shy having to bring your Martha Stewart cooking set to class knowing everyone else had brands that were sold at Walmart. 

Knowing that your boyfriend wanted nothing but the best for you made your heart flutter. Whenever you wanted to try a new recipe, he would always offer to be the taste tester even if you knew it was just his excuse to get a free meal; but he deserved it. Mark made it aware that he was your number one fan. The two of you moved in together not too longer after you graduated because he wouldn’t stop complaining about how much he missed you. 

Even when he was back in high school, he knew he was going to take over his dad’s position at his company when he were to retire. Which is why he never got to attend college and went straight to work at their company. However, you knew deep down that Mark had dreams of his own. 

You’d watch him draw pictures of buildings, you’d see him look at construction sites in awe and you’d catch him watching hgtv in the wee hours of the morning. Mark wanted to be an architect, there was no doubt about it and you knew your boyfriend was capable of becoming an amazing one. Unfortunately, whenever you’d bring the topic up to him, he’d give you a sad smile and just shrug it off; ultimately changing the topic. 

One thing you both loved and hated about him was how obedient he was. He did whatever people told him to do. From an early age, he was groomed to become a CEO, even if he wanted nothing to do with the company. 

On the night of your breakup, you and Mark were invited to his parent’s anniversary party. You’ve met the Tuan’s many times and they were some of the sweetest people you knew. They were also very particular when it came to their reputation and when Mrs.Tuan heard that her oldest son’s girlfriend wanted to become a chef, she wasn’t having any of it. You were all currently seated in their grand dining room area having dinner when curiosity got the best of her. 

“Y/n sweetheart, you’ve been with Mark for seven years now and you’ve been in college for almost three years but I have yet to learn what it is that you’re majoring in. What are you studying dear?” You smiled widely at her but before you could say anything, you felt a pinch on your thigh. You quickly turned towards your boyfriend and frowned at his worried face, not understanding what his expression meant. But once the words “culinary arts” fell from your lips and the whole room went in to uproar, you knew exactly why Mark looked so bothered. 

You felt like everyone was stabbing at your heart with every laugh that was being thrown your way and when you turned to Mark, he was staring at the ground with a blank face. 

“Y/n, dear. You cannot be serious. A chef? Are you crazy? You want to cook for people? Now why in the world would you want to do that? There are so many other occupations out there much more impressive than that. Whose going to be impressed when I tell them that my future daughter in law is a cook? I’m sorry, but that just won’t do.” 

You could feel your throat getting dry and you wanted the ground to swallow you whole in that moment. As much as you liked and respected Mark’s family, you couldn’t go past the fact that they were looking down on you and belittling your dream career. They should accept you and your future career for what it was. 

However, it wasn’t their words that were hurting you. The fact that Mark allowed them to continue attacking you and treating you as if you were some pathetic being who didn’t deserve to be there instead of defending you and your dream is what was slowly tearing you apart. How could he claim to support you in everything you did, love you more than anything or anyone in the world and want nothing but the best for you, yet fail to protect you from his family? His silence spoke volumes, which is why you weren’t surprised when your next few words fell from your mouth. 

“You have nothing to worry about Mrs.Tuan, because I have no plans on marrying your son for that matter. I refuse to marry in to a family who doesn’t accept nor support my dreams and I refuse to change a thing about for anyone but myself. Thank you for having me tonight. I wish you all nothing but the best. Happy anniversary.” You did not waste any time getting out of there and mentally cursed yourself as you remembered Mark drove the both of you to his parent’s house. 

You started briskly walking to the nearest bus stop seeing as how it was getting quite late. Tears began to fall from your cheeks when you came to the realization that Mark wasn’t chasing after you, but you knew his family probably kept him from doing so. 

Throughout your walk, a part of you felt as if you should’ve kept your mouth shut. No matter how much the Tuan family seemed to like you, you should’ve known that they were people who cared about their wealth and social status. But another part of you refused to give up on your dreams in order to impress people who clearly didn’t deserve you at all. 

The fact that Mark didn’t fight for you or for your relationship is what was killing you the most. You loved him with every fiber of your being. You had plans to settle down with him, get married to him, have kids with him; you wanted it all. Now, you wanted nothing to do with him. You were going to head back to your shared apartment in order pack up everything and head back to your parent’s place. When you finally reached the bus stop, you called your mom up and explained the whole situation to her. 

You’ve never heard your mom swear so many times in one sentence before. She was fuming and she had every right to be. As much as she wanted to be angry with Mark, she was much more disappointed. Parents claim to want nothing but the best for you. However, if you feel in your heart that what they want for you, isn’t what you need, it’s up to you to decide whether or not you’re going to take responsibility for your own life, or continue to let them tell you what to do. Mark would always do whatever his parents wanted him to and there was nothing you could do about it. 

Once you hung up the phone with your mom, you took a look at yourself and let out a hysterical laugh. You were a mess. Your eyes were swollen and your cheeks were red and puffy. It just occurred to you that you lost the love of your life. This was it for the two of you and you didn’t know what you were going to do. How were you going to live without the man who was all that you knew? You were so deep in your thoughts that you failed to notice Mark trying to get in touch with you. After a few moments, you saw his Lexus pull up to the bus stop and you turned towards the other direction. 

“Y/n. I am so fucking sorry baby I—“ he got out of the car and made his way towards you but you continued to give him the silent treatment. When he came in to view, you refused to look at him. 

Your mind felt disgusted with the boy kneeling in front of you. Where was the man who held you as you cried because finals were too hard? Where was the man who stayed up till the wee hours of the morning to take care of you when you got the flu? Where was the man who bought you twelve different pints of ice cream once because he knew how much you loved ice cream? Where was the man who cried in to your shoulder when Moana’s grandmother died? Where was the man who told you he loved you more than life itself and promised you the sun, the moon and the stars? It was clearly not the little boy on his knees in front of you. The boy in front of you chose his family, his pride and his reputation over you. Over your seven year relationship. Over your love, your happiness, your life and future together. This was not the man you loved. 

“Don’t. Just go Mark. They’re probably waiting for you. Go.” He shook his head and wrapped his arms tightly around your legs as he placed his chin on your thighs. “Mark, get up. You’re being ridiculous.” 

He began to cry in to your lap and you could feel the tears building up again. One of the things you loved most about Mark was how sensitive he was. He cried over many different things and you knew it was because he had a big heart. Whenever he would cry, you’d find yourself crying too. You hated seeing Mark cry, but he never cried over you. He never had a reason to, until now. He made a mistake, and he was now paying for it. 

“I’m sorry. I should’ve said something. I’m so fucking stupid. But you need to understand that—“ you groaned in disbelief. 

“I need to understand what Mark? That I’m not good enough for you? Or your family? That I’m considered trash to you because I want to become a chef? What’s so good about you huh? You’re taking over a company. Woohoo! Good for you! We all know that’s not what you want. It’s being handed over to you. You don’t have to do shit. I’m sorry I don’t come from a wealthy family like you. Things don’t get handed to me on a silver platter like they do for you Mark. I have to work for the things that I want. You made me feel like shit. Like I’m nothing in front of your family. You made me feel as if you were ashamed of me and my career path when you are the number one person who pushes me to go after my goals and chase after my dreams.” 

His sobs only became louder the longer you explained your thoughts to him, but you didn’t care. He needed to know how pathetic he made you feel. 

“How do you think your parents would react if they knew their son put hundreds of dollars from their company in to buying me cooking equipment? I bet they wouldn’t be too pleased knowing you’d leave work early in order to come support me at my competitions and drive me to wherever I needed to go. Nor would they be too happy knowing you paid off my entire tuition no matter how many times I begged you not to. Love is about sacrifices Mark. You claim to love me and up until tonight I know you did, but you failed to sacrifice your pride for me and I don’t think I can ever forgive you for that. Thank you, for showing me your true colors tonight. I’m glad I found out who you really are and what your main priorities are now rather than later as I waste the rest of my life with you.”

He finally took his face off of your lap and looked up at you. Seeing the broken look on his face made you want to cry again, but you held yourself together. He gripped both of your wrists before roughly connecting your lips together. Your heart was begging you to react to the kiss. You wanted to be understanding, you knew how hard it was for Mark having to choose between his family and you. But if they were really his family, they would love you and support you no matter what the case and they failed to do so. 

You knew this was probably your last few moments with him and as much as you wanted to hate him, the love you had for him would always be stronger. Seven years of your life spent with him was not going to disappear in a matter of seconds. So you were selfish and allowed him to kiss you for the time being. Just a few seconds later, you pulled away and placed one more kiss on his lips.

“Come on, we’ll talk about this more at home—“ You shook your head in disagreement and you could feel him grip on to the hem of your party dress.

“Y/n, please. Please baby. Hear me out. Let me make things right, please. I can’t lose you. You mean everything to me y/n. I love you so fucking much. I can’t live without you. Are you really going to let seven years go to shit because you want to be stubborn?” 

You scowled as you tried to pry him off of you. “DON’T YOU DARE GIVE ME THAT SHIT. YOU DECIDED TO LET SEVEN YEARS GO TO SHIT WHEN YOU FAILED TO DEFEND ME. WHEN YOU FAILED TO PROTECT ME. WHEN YOU LET YOUR FAMILY LAUGH AT ME AND TALK NEGATIVELY ABOUT ME AND MY DREAMS. You should have grown a fucking pair and told your parents just how proud you are of me and how supportive you are of my occupation but no. You let your mom make me feel stupid and inferior because she doesn’t think my occupation is good enough for you. You always have to do what mommy and daddy tell you huh? I’m sorry. I refuse to let anyone tell me how to live my life. I love myself too much for that. I love you Mark, and I’m always going to love you. But I love myself more. So much more. Have a nice life and take care of yourself.” 

With perfect timing, the bus stopped in front of the curb and you grabbed your things while quickly getting on. You faintly heard him calling after you, but you made your way towards the back and plugged in your headphones. It felt like a huge weight was taken off of your shoulders. Once you reached your apartment, you released a sigh of relief when you noticed he wasn’t there and began to pack away all your things. You were going to miss this place. So many memories were made here and you couldn’t help but reminisce.However, tonight’s events would not stop playing in your mind and you decided to push back all memories of Mark to the back of your thoughts. 

You successfully put away all your things before he could come home and stop you and made your way to your car in order to drive to your parents house. You haven’t seen or heard from Mark since that dreadful night and you’d be lying if you said you didn’t miss him or thought about him from time to time. But you knew what you deserved and like he’s told you multiple times before, you deserved nothing but the best and that’s the only thing you were going to accept. 

“Yeah. All my hard work paid off. Let’s get started on this shall we?” You tried your best to look anywhere but at him. There was no doubt Mark was good looking. He was the most handsomest man you’ve ever laid your eyes on and like a fine wine, he only gets better with age. However, you could still see remnants of the teenage boy you fell in love with many years ago. You knew you wouldn’t be able to concentrate if you were to look at him. 

“Let’s start off with allergies. What is Erica allergic to?” When he didn’t respond after a few minutes, you gave up on giving him the cold shoulder and finally looked up at him. You looked at him in curiosity and he shrugged at you. “You don’t know what your fiancée is allergic to? Seriously?” 

Hearing his name and the word fiancée together sent an unsettling feeling to your stomach. You’ve always dreamt of going through this with him. Planning things for your wedding. Talking with a florist, a catering company, a baker, hiring a wedding planner. You would always find yourself planning your future wedding and Mark would always join in. Knowing he wanted to be involved always made your heart melt in to a puddle. That should be you sitting next to him with his ring on your finger, but things just weren’t meant to work out that way. You could only hope Erica was nearby so you could get this whole thing over with. 

“If I’m being honest, I don’t know much about her. So we should just wait for her to come.” You released a frustrated sigh before humming in agreement.

 “So, how is the restaurant doing so far? I like how you decorated the place. It’s really—you. The wallpaper, the booths and tables, the flooring, the fairy lights, the wooden plaques you always loved buying from Tj Maxx. If you don’t mind me asking, why Sunrise? Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice name. But why?” 

You furrowed your brows and took a sip of your wine. You couldn’t believe you were going to tell him the reason, especially because it had to do with him and your relationship. But you were never one to lie. “Remember that one day we were watching the sunset at the beach and I began to cry because I was upset at the thought of how all beautiful things come to an end?” He nodded in remembrance of the memory and motioned for you to continue. 

“When we broke up, I was a wreck. For months. Hell, almost an entire year. I don’t know how I did it, but I graduated from culinary school with a 3.6 g.p.a and worked at multiple restaurants, trying to get as much food service experience as possible. I saved up enough money to open up a restaurant and here I am today. This restaurant had no name for two months because nothing sounded good to me. One of my sous chefs told me it’s always the darkest before the dawn and that with every sunset, there is a sunrise. As corny as it sounds, with the sunset of our relationship, came there sunrise of all my hard work and success. I lost you, but I gained myself. I achieved all my goals and now look, I own a five star restaurant. I’m a boss bitch if I do say so myself.”

This earned you a soft giggle and you didn’t realize how much you missed his laugh until you heard it again. Mark had one of those distinct and very contagious laughs. Although he was almost 27 years old, he had the cutest little high pitch laugh that you were sure could cure cancer. “Y/n, I—“ before he could continue his sentence, there was a knock on the door. 

“Oh my God, I am so sorry. I had a doctor’s appointment at 11 but it ended up being pushed back till 11:30. I also made a quick stop to my favorite bakery which is right next door. Here y/n, this is for you. This is one of their most popular items, a peanut butter and raspberry jelly croissant. I hope you like it.”

You gave her a soft smile before attempting to reach for it but Mark was quick to pull the paper bag away. “Mark—“ he took the pastry and placed it back in to the plastic bag she was holding. 

“Y/n is allergic to peanuts and she hates raspberries. Just save it for yourself and eat it later.” You looked at him in awe. Mark was always such an amazing listener. He always asked you so many questions about yourself and what you were allergic to was one of his first questions even before the two of you started dating. You found yourself warming up at the thought of how attentive he used to be whenever it came to you, but you quickly came back to your senses. He was getting married. Even if seeing him again awakened some feelings you still had for him, you couldn’t let little things like that affect you in any way. 

Hate was a very strong word. You couldn’t say you hated Mark. You could never hate him, no matter how much you wanted to. But you were disappointed in him and you didn’t know which feeling was worst. 

“Wait, how do you know—“

“We were talking about allergies before you came. Can you tell her yours, I have no clue.” 

Seeing the way the two of them were interacting made you confused. For two people who were getting married in a few months, they sure didn’t act like a couple and by the looks of it, Mark seemed irritated with her. She was completely oblivious towards his emotions, but you’ve been with him long enough to know when someone was getting on his nerves. 

How could they be getting married when it felt as if neither of them wanted to be there? It’s as if the woman on the phone and the one sitting in front of you were two completely different people. She didn’t have the excited tone in her voice like she did a few days prior and you couldn’t help but feel her fiancé had something to do with it. 

“Okay, how about we decide on the way the food will be served first? Did you guys want a buffet, or would you rather the dinner be brought to the guests?” Mark leaned back in his chair and shrugged his shoulders. He was making it pretty clear that he didn’t want anything to do with the decision making, nor did he seem to care about the wedding in general. You couldn’t help but get curious about their relationship, not that it was any of your business. You were consulting them about a catering inquiry not having a couples therapy session. And what did it matter to you anyway? Mark was in your past and you planned on keeping him there at all costs. 

While you and Erica continued to go through the menu, it felt as if Mark wasn’t even there. However, you could feel his eyes on you the entire time. Your assumptions were confirmed when you turned to face him as Erica brought up what she was interested in having. 

“Maybe we could do a surf and turf? So maybe some type of meat with lobster or crab—“ You looked at Mark and your breath hitched when you saw that he was already looking at you. 

“Mark’s allergic to shellfish.” Although you looked away before either of them could respond, the smirk that rose on his face made your heart rate increase.

“Oh, really? Well, in that case we could go with salmon or maybe cod?” Mark sat upright and placed his hands on the table as if he was now interested in the conversation. The rest of the meeting ran smoothly, or so you kept trying to tell yourself. As you and Erica continued to make decisions, Mark would throw in unnecessary comments and you couldn’t help but feel as if he was doing it purposely to get under your skin. But you didn’t let it bother you in any way. You weren’t going to allow him to get to you. Not anymore. 

“If you don’t mind me asking, how did the two of you meet?” Once the question fell from your lips, you were quick to notice the way Mark tensed up and you were extremely curious as to why. Why did that question seem to bother him?

“Oh, well our fathers are company partners and they thought we’d be a good match for each other.” A bitter laugh fell from your lips as you ignored the fact that Erica was there and turned towards Mark.

“Still doing everything daddy tells you huh? Why am I not surprised?” He glared at you but he knew he had no right to fire back. It was the truth. The two of you were so busy in your own little stare down that you failed to notice how confused Erica now was. 

“I’m sorry, am I missing something here? Do you two know each other?” 

You gave her a sad smile and nodded in agreement. “Knew. We went to school together. That’s pretty much it. Well, I think we’re done here for today. If you have any more questions Erica or need to update the menu, feel free to call the restaurant and I’d be happy to help. Have a nice day.” 

She quietly thanked you before making her way out, however, when she noticed Mark wasn’t following after her she tugged on his wrist. “Come on Mark, we have to meet with the florist.” 

You knew there were so many things he probably wanted to say to you, but you didn’t want to hear it. This meeting was nothing but a coincidence. But you couldn’t help but feel like it was the universe trying to tell you something. Out of the hundreds and thousands of people living in your hometown, how could your ex boyfriend and his soon to be wife be your first catering client? There was no way this happened by coincidence. 

After the two of them left your office, you sank to your knees and began to cry. Why did seeing him again after three years upset you so much? Your sobs filled the room and you felt as if you couldn’t breathe. You were so caught up in crying that you failed to notice Jaebum enter the room until you were brought on to his lap. 

“Hey, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Shhh, you’re fine y/n. I’m here. Everything going to be alright.” He continued to console you and gently rocked you back and forth to try and get you to calm down. He ran his fingers through your hair and placed a few soft kisses on your forehead. Not too long after he entered your office, you stopped crying and sighed in to his chest. 

“Have you ever had your heart broken before Jaebum?” The sudden question flustered the older boy and he didn’t know how to respond. 

“Y/n—“ you frowned at his worried expression. 

“That man that just left, he’s my ex boyfriend. Ironic isn’t it? I’m catering to my ex boyfriend’s wedding. This has to be a joke. Someone must’ve set me up, this is bullshit. There’s no way I can cater to his wedding. Is it too late to cancel Jaebum? I know it’s unprofessional, but look at me. I’m a fucking wreck and this was only the first meeting. What more at the actual wedding?” 

Jaebum didn’t know how to respond. It was clear that seeing Mark again was ruining you and the walls you’ve took so long to build up after your relationship ended. He didn’t know what to do or how to help you. He wasn’t aware of the situation and even if you’ve known each other for a while, he had no clue who Mark was. His heart hurt for you. Seeing you so distraught over your ex and this unfortunate situation broke his heart and all he could do was hold you as you cried. Once your sobs began to slow down, you slowly got up from off of his lap and wiped your tears before giggling softly. 

“Sorry, I ruined your uniform and I probably kept you from doing something important—“ he brought his finger up to your cheek and wiped away a few of your tears. 

“Will you stop apologizing? God, how you are still so cute after crying is beyond me. What am I going to do with you y/n? You are the strongest and most hardworking person I know. I’m sure it is a lot to take in, but you’ll be fine. We’ve had people complain about our food, compare us to other restaurants and even walk out without paying for their meals and you’ve handled each and every negative situation with so much class because that’s who you are. If you decide that you don’t want to go along with this, then you don’t have to. But the y/n I know isn’t going to let something like this get in the way of her passion. You don’t have to tell me everything, just know that I’m here for you if you need to talk. Why don’t you just call it a day y/n? I can handle it from here. Maybe go to the spa or something. Take your mind off of what went down today.” 

You shook your head in disagreement before pulling him in for a hug. “I’m a big girl Jae. Although a relaxing day at the spa sounds nice, I’ll be fine. Thank you for consoling me. I should be outside in a few, I just have to finish up with their menu.” He placed one more kiss on your forehead and gave you a sad smile before heading back to the kitchen. 

Jaebum was right, there was no way you could work without making a mistake. Thoughts of Mark were clouding you your mind. An arranged marriage. He was getting married to someone because his family set him up for it. Although you didn’t feel like you had the right to think like that, it was only natural that you did. You watched them interact. You paid attention to the way Mark looked at his fiancée in disgust. It was nothing compared to the way he would look at you. Whenever Mark looked at you, your heart would always combust. He looked at you as if you were one of the seven wonders of the world. Whenever Mark looked at you, you couldn’t help but feel like the most ethereal being he’s ever laid eyes on. 

He looked at Erica like she was scum under his toes. She didn’t seem all too happy with him either, but she was handling it better than he was. Taking Jaebum’s advice, you took off your uniform, grabbed your things and made your way towards the kitchen. As the guys heard you coming in, you noticed how quick they pulled away from the huddle they were formed in and you knew Jaebum had probably warned them about your frazzled state. 

“Hey boss, we’re ready whenever you are.” You smiled softly at Youngjae while playfully running your fingers through his soft, blue locks. 

“I’m not feeling all too well. I’m sorry guys. I’m going to call it a day if that’s okay. Jaebum is in charge, please don’t give him a hard time. If you need anything, feel free to call me. I’ll be back tomorrow. Thank you for all your hard work.” The guys nodded in agreement and said their goodbyes as you made your way towards the door. 

“Please get some rest. And don’t overthink too much. Call me if you need to okay? I’m always here for you.” You grinned up at the handsome man and gently pinched his cheek. 

“Who knew the oh so intimidating and mysterious Im Jaebum would be such a softie for little old me? Thank you again. I’ll see you tomorrow. If I come back tomorrow and the restaurants in flames, I’ll kick your ass.” His laughter filled the room and he jokingly shoved you out the door. 

For the rest of the day, you did whatever you could to take your mind off of the fact that Mark was back in your life. You thought you were over him completely. Or at least, that’s what you kept telling yourself. It was one thing to say you had no feelings for someone when they were no longer in your life. 

But now that you saw him and talked with him, the love you had for him all those years ago came rushing back. He was your first love, there was no way you could pretend that nothing ever happened between the two of you. 

A week after your extremely awkward meeting with Mark and Erica, business only increased, giving you a chance to focus on other things rather than your ex boyfriend who seemed to be clouding up your thoughts. Unfortunately, Mark took your little run in as a sign of fate. He was a realist. Like you had thought right after talking with him, there was no way this was a coincidence. Erica could have picked any catering company to reach out to but she chose your restaurant instead. 

Mark never believed in things like fate, or soulmates. But that was all before he met you. When you came in to his life, you were all his heart craved to know. You were all he longed for and everything he’s ever dreamt of. You weren’t aware of how much he regrets that night at his parents house and if he had the chance, he’d do whatever he could to go back in time to change the turn of events. He was miserable without you. Heartbreak was a foreign word to him. Since the two of you were madly in love with each other and planned to spend the rest of your lives together at one point, he didn’t think he would ever experience the pain that people claimed came with a broken heart. However, right after you got on the bus and walked out of his life, he knew you took a huge part of him with you. He hasn’t been the same since. 

He wanted to chase after you, to beg you to forgive him. He would take any beating or any negative words you threw at him because God knows he deserved it. But instead he let you go. The damage was done and he knew that even if you were to forgive him, you’d never forget what he did. He’s never been with anyone since you left. Mark knew there was no one else for him. You were it and you’d always be. Which is why he made a vow to focus on nothing but work. He took on extra shifts in attempts to get you off of his mind, but it never worked. He couldn’t stop thinking about how those words fell from your lips and slapped him across the face. 

You have nothing to worry about Mrs.Tuan, because I have no plans on marrying your son for that matter. 

Once you said those words to his mom, he knew it was over. He didn’t even have to look at you to know that you were upset and as soon as you left the table, he got up and ran out in to the yard, screaming and punching at anything in sight while kicking down both the mailbox and trash can. Mark didn’t give two shits about his family’s company, he didn’t care about their wealth or social status. He’d give it all up if it meant getting you back in his life again. He still had a hard time understanding why he didn’t just speak up and tell his family the truth. If he wasn’t such a coward, the two of you would still be together and he’d be cheering you on and giving you his endless support like he always did.

Unfortunately, Mark wasn’t like you. He didn’t have the strength or courage to go against his family and chase after his dreams like you did. He cared about what people thought about him. He didn’t want his family to be upset with him. But hearing them talk so negatively about the girl he loved more than any single one of them made him angry beyond belief. You were right. By not defending you, he chose them. Whoever said blood is thicker than water had to be an idiot. You meant more to Mark than anyone sitting at that table that night, but being the pathetic man he was, he couldn’t find it in himself to go against his mother’s wishes. 

He knew they wanted nothing but the best for him, or at least that’s what he thought. It took him years after your break up to come to terms with the fact that the Tuan’s would rather their son be miserable marrying the daughter of a wealthy business man who couldn’t give less of a shit about him other than his money, than to allow him to be with the love of his life who happened to be a chef. If they knew just how successful you and your restaurant had become, they wouldn’t have been so judge-mental towards you. 

As the years went by and Mark made it known that he had no interest in a relationship with anyone other than you, Mr.Tuan took it upon himself to find his son a bride. There was no way Mark could take control of such a big company without an equally successful woman by his side. When his father gave him the news that he was setting him up with the daughter of one of the company’s partners, Mark was floored. How could his father allow him to marry someone he never had met before let alone develop feelings for? 

Erica was a very sweet and soft spoken person and in Mark’s opinion, things could be worse. But he knew he could never look at her in a romantic way. He could never look at anyone the way he looked at you. It was his karma, but being the pushover he was, not being able to speak up against his parents, he found himself agreeing to the arranged marriage. His father kept trying to convince him that maybe somewhere along the line, the more time he spent with Erica, sooner or later he would develop some sort of feelings for her. It’s been almost a year since they started “dating” and the only skin-ship they shared between each other was the handshake that sealed the deal of their engagement. 

The word miserable couldn’t describe even half of what Mark was feeling. From the day you broke up with him up until now, he never stopped thinking about you. How you were doing, how school was treating you, how life would be like for the two of you if he just spoke up and praised you the way you deserved, if you missed him the way he missed you. If you still loved him, the way he couldn’t stop loving you. Seeing you again the other day made his heart both flutter and sink. He was meeting with you in regards to his wedding. Although you weren’t aware of the situation between him and Erica and he was sure you were moved on, a part of him felt guilty. Here he was with his fiancée, asking you to cater to their wedding. 

Not only did he feel uncomfortable being in a room with you, his ex-girlfriend and the woman he was still so madly in love with, but he was hiring you to do something his family practically laughed at you for doing. There was no way he could do that to you, but he had no choice. It took him every bone in his body not to walk behind your desk and pull you in to his embrace. 

There weren’t enough words to describe just how much he missed you. Mark didn’t think it was possible, but you were even more beautiful than when he last saw you. Your hair was longer, your eyes still had that pretty glow that he loved so much, your already petite frame got even smaller and you radiated so much confidence as you spoke. He was an idiot for letting you go and he’d never let himself live it down. 

As he made his way back to the apartment the two of you shared together, he began thinking about what to do to make things right between the two of you. Now that he knew where to find you and that there was a chance he’d get to see you a few more times, he had to do whatever he could to get you to forgive him. It was too late for you to become a couple again and he accepted that. But that didn’t mean the two of you couldn’t be friends and if that was the only way he could have you in his life, then so be it. He’d take whatever he could get. 

You could pretend as if you were unbothered by his presence, but Mark knew you like the back of his hand. Hell, he knew you just a bit more than you knew yourself. If you didn’t care about him, you wouldn’t have spoke up about his allergies, nor would you have brought up the fact that he hates artichokes. You wouldn’t have stolen glances at him the way you were when you thought he wasn’t looking. 

He saw how you smiled to yourself when he took the donut away from you and had to stop himself from blushing at the sight. He was older now and considerably more mature. Although he was still living by his parent’s rules, attempting to make his way back in to your life was a rule he was willing to break. That’s if you’d let him of course. 

When you went in to work one morning, your office was surrounded with dozens of sunflower arrangements and you knew exactly who they were from. Only one person knew how much you loved sunflowers; it was the same person who could not leave your mind. You furrowed your brows in confusion, why was he sending you flowers? Just because you had to work for him did not mean anything. You weren’t planning on reconnecting again. You just wanted the whole wedding to hurry up and be over with so that Mark would be out of your life completely and you could get your sanity back. 

Each bouquet had a card on it with different phrases and quotes you loved and you could feel warmth rising on your cheeks. You felt a tear against your cheek, but you refused to let any more fall. Did Mark think that sending you a bunch of flowers was going to fix what he broke years ago? He was getting married to someone who wasn’t you, so why was he sending you flowers? What did it mean? 

“Hey y/n, the food supplier is here—holy shit. It’s like a garden in here. These are obviously not from Jaebum, he doesn’t have the brains nor the money to think about buying all of this. Do you have a secret admirer? He must be rich. So that’s your type then huh boss? I better let Jaebum down easy—OW! For someone who claims I am your favorite, you always seem to show your affection through abuse. My bruise from the soup ladle you whacked me with is still healing you know!” 

You rolled your eyes before throwing on your apron and motioned the blue haired boy out of the room. “I think you’ve been spending too much time with Jackson and BamBam these days Youngjae. You’ve been exceptionally nosy and I hate that those two losers corrupted my sweet little line cook in to a monster. Don’t worry about the flowers, worry about the vegetables that need chopping. Shoo.” 

He playfully frowned while exiting and closed the door behind him. You couldn’t help but smile at the fact that he remembered what your favorite flowers are. Every Valentine’s Day and birthday you celebrated together, no matter what gift he gave you, he’d always give you a bouquet of sunflowers. There was one bouquet that you had yet to read the letter attached and since curiosity got the best of you, you found yourself reading it. 

“I don’t care what you think, I know it’s fate that brought us together again. You don’t have to forgive me if you don’t want to, but since we’ll be seeing each other every so often, it wouldn’t hurt to be civil. Give me a call when you get the chance.-MT” 

You released a frustrated sigh before plopping down in your chair. This man was going to be the death of you. As your mind began to have an internal argument with your heart, you found yourself reaching for your phone and sent him a quick text, thanking him for the flowers and asking him when he was free. Sure, there was no going back to what used to be; but he had a point. You couldn’t keep acting so cold towards him. The obvious animosity between the two of you which was more so on your part wasn’t going to make things any easier. He was quick to respond, letting you know that he was willing to meet right now if you were free in which you found yourself agreeing to. 

There were red flags going off in your head, but you didn’t care. It’s not like he’d be able to hurt you again, there was no chance of getting back together. Once the wedding was over, he’d be a married man and the two of you would go back to being strangers again. It bothered you that you were upset at the thought of no longer seeing him once this was all done but deep down you knew it was the fifteen year old girl who fell in love with Mark all those years ago that was making the decision for you. 

“Y/n, where did you move the first aid kit? Yugyeom’s dumb ass cut his finger again—wow. Are you giving up cooking to pursue decorating flower arrangements?” You shoved the older boy before removing your apron and reaching for your bag. 

“I have to meet up with someone. Can you let Jaebum know? I should be back in an hour. Thanks Jinyoung.” Before he could open his mouth to say anything, you were making your way out of the restaurant. You began feeling nervous, but at the same time a part of you felt happy to see him again and you hated yourself for feeling that way. 

He asked you to meet him at a coffee shop the two of you would always frequent back when you were together. He chose that place on purpose, you were sure of it. First the sunflowers, now your favorite cafe you haven’t been to since the breakup. He was trying to get you to reminisce on what once was and you weren’t going to allow yourself to fall for it. After pulling up to the shop and parking your car, you made your way in to the coffee shop and it didn’t take long for you to see him sitting in the corner. You walked over towards him and your heart warmed when a smile rose on his face as soon you made eye contact with each other. 

“Hey! I’m not taking you out of work or anything am I?” You shook your head in disagreement and took a seat. You’d be lying to yourself if you said he didn’t look good. He was growing out his hair and you couldn’t help but smile at the thought of him doing it for you. Mark would always complain about how his hair would get in his eyes once it grew a certain length but you made sure he was aware of how much his long hair would turn you on. At one point, his hair went past his neck and that’s when you decided it was time he got a haircut. The memory made you smile to yourself. 

“I ordered your usual if that’s okay. If you’re not in to ice caramel macchiatos with coconut milk anymore I can go change it—“ he stood up but you motioned for him to sit back down. It was so cute how flustered he was acting towards you. Were you really in a relationship with this man for over seven years? He was acting as if it was your first date all over again. 

“That’s fine Mark. It sounds really good actually. I haven’t been here for quite a while. I’m glad to see it hasn’t changed a bit.” The two of you sat in silence for a few moments and you tried to look around the room in attempts to feel less awkward until he spoke up. 

“I’m sorry.” 

You looked up at him in curiosity and decided to stay silent as he continued. “I’m very grateful you agreed to meet up with me. I don’t deserve to be here with you right now and I know you probably don’t want to hear it, but you didn’t let me explain myself at the bus stop—“ 

Why did he feel like this was a good environment to talk about your failed relationship? You were sure he knew you were probably going to cry, so why did he want to talk about such a sensitive topic in the public? “Mark—“ timing always seemed to be on your side. The waitress came over and gave you both your drinks all the while handing you a cranberry scone. You could feel your throat getting dry as your tears began to form. This was all too much for you to handle but you didn’t want to cause a scene, so you quietly thanked the waitress and kept your eyes on the table. 

“Erica and I, I’m sure you’re aware of it. You’ve always been so good at observing people. We’re not an actual couple. My father set me up for an arranged marriage with her in order to strengthen our companies together. I haven’t been in a relationship since our break up and because of this, my father took matters in to his own hands and being the weakling I am, I agreed to go along with it. But I hate it y/n. The meeting we had the other day was the first time I’ve seen her in months and she’s taking this whole arrangement better than I am but I’m sure she’s just as upset if not more with her father. I haven’t been treating her too kindly and it’s not her fault that this is happening, but you and I both know I don’t want to spend my life with anyone other than you. It’s always been you y/n. I meant what I said when I told you we were soulmates.”

You took a sip of your drink, but you didn’t have much of an appetite the more he continued to talk. As much as you didn’t think you could continue listening to him confess his feelings for you, you wanted to hear what he had to say. Which is why you found yourself still sitting in front of him instead of running out like you probably would have if he did something like this right after your break up. 

“I should’ve stood up to my parents, and told them how proud I was of you. How proud I am of you. Look at you. You’re one of the most youngest and extremely successful chefs in the country. You have your own restaurant and achieved everything you said you were going to do. You’re such a wonderful human being y/n and I hate myself for humiliating you and making you feel worthless. I’m so fucking sorry. I’m still so fucking in love with you and it fucking sucks because it’s my fault we’re like this. I don’t know how you feel about me, you could hate my guts for all I know but I deserve it. It’s obvious there’s no way we can be together again and I’m sure you wouldn’t want to get back with me even if there was a chance for us. But I have to go through with this wedding and I think this is my karma. I have to spend the rest of my life being miserable because of the choice I made that night. You have to admit though, meeting up again after all of these years is fate.” He scratched the back of his neck, something he always did when he felt as if he was upsetting you. 

“I’m not going to lie, I found myself searching you up on several occasions to see how you were doing, to see if you accomplished what you put yourself out to do. There were so many times I found myself standing outside of your restaurant, but I didn’t think I deserved to come in. When Erica told me where she was planning on getting the food from, I felt a tad bit excited at the thought of seeing you again. I’ve missed you so much y/n. I can’t even describe how painful it was to lose you. The day I let you walk away was the worst day of my life. If I could go back to that night and did what I should’ve done, I would.” 

You scoffed in disbelief. “But you can’t Mark. The damage is done, so take it for what it is. You didn’t love or care for me enough to think that something like this would happen. You should have known that you would have to choose between me and your family and you chose them. You knew how becoming a chef was my one and only dream; that’s why you supported it. When your mom laughed in my face and tried to make me feel pathetic for wanting to be a chef, it felt like a slap in the face and I didn’t care how much I loved you. I wouldn’t have given up my career to impress your family or to find another job that would make me miserable just to be good enough for you.” You clenched your jaw and could feel your anger building up. You were afraid of saying something you would soon regret if you were to stay a little while longer.

“I tried telling myself that it was hard for you, to choose between your mom and I, but if I were in your shoes, I would’ve chose you. I would’ve done anything for you Mark. I didn’t care about anyone or anything other than my passion for cooking and you. You were all that I thought I could ever need. So that’s why I was devastated when you didn’t seem to have the same mindset that I had. I don’t know what you wanted to come out of our meeting today and I’m sorry if you thought that by apologizing, I would magically end up back in your arms again. It doesn’t work that way Mark. I think it’s best for us to pretend as if we don’t know each other. You’re just another client to me. What we had was indescribably beautiful, but it is no longer. Nor will it ever be again. I’m sorry you’re being forced in to marriage, but you do have a say in it. You just can’t go against your parents wishes. You’re a grown man Mark. Not everything your parents want for you is what’s best for you. It’s okay to choose yourself sometimes. Thank you for the coffee and the scone. Have a nice rest of your day.” 

You ran out of the cafe and quickly got in to your car before you could react to the whole interaction and soon your sobs echoed throughout your car. 

I’m still so fucking in love with you. 

Out of everything he said, those words stuck with you. They were haunting you and you knew you still loved him too. There was no doubt about it. But there was nothing either of you could do about it. He was getting married and with the way he was allowing himself to go through with it, you knew he’d continue doing whatever he could to please his parents. You refused to be with someone who wouldn’t stand their ground when the situation called for it. Instead of returning back to the restaurant, you made your way home. There was no way you could work without breaking down and crying. 

You texted Jaebum and let him know of your plans in which he was quick to offer to head to your place once he was finished. But you didn’t want to burden him with your problems and you wanted to be alone. Mark reached out to you, apologizing for pulling such a stunt and accepting the fact that the two of you weren’t going to be what you used to be. As the months went by, the wedding date only got closer and closer and to your surprise, you and Mark became friends. 

After that day in the coffee shop, he gave you your space and didn’t hear from him unless he had to call you about the wedding. However, there was one night he called you in the wee hours of the morning and you couldn’t help but answer the call. He never used to wake you up with a phone call unless it was urgent and when you heard him crying over the phone, you knew it was serious. Mark was infamous for having panic attacks and he made it known to you that you were the only one who could get him to calm down. 

He knew he was taking advantage of having your number, and he was selfish for wanting to call you. But he knew he wouldn’t be able to stop crying unless he heard your voice and that’s exactly why he dialed your number. You did your best to console him softly and soothingly and after a few moments, his sobs finally stopped. Hearing him so weak and fragile broke your heart and you decided to forget about everything negative for a little while in order to focus on him. 

You loved this man for a huge chunk of your life; you weren’t going to allow him to suffer on his own if there was something you could do about it. After that night, you let him know that he could find solace in you whenever he needed to. It didn’t take long for the two of you to start talking to each other on a daily basis and you finally accepted the fact that you were falling back in love with him. However, as soon as you felt yourself gaining back your feelings for him, you had to remind yourself that he was going to be a married man in less than a month. 

Although he wasn’t romantically involved with Erica, he was hers legally. You and Mark were stuck in your own little world that you failed to notice your surroundings and what was going on around you. The closer you got with Mark, the more distant you became with Jaebum and you knew it had to deal with the fact that he had feelings for you. 

You liked Jaebum, there was no questioning your feelings for him. But the love you had for Mark was strong, too fierce for you to look at anyone else in the way you looked at him. If you and Jaebum were meant to be more than friends, something would’ve happened between the two of you a long time ago.

Jaebum didn’t know that Mark was the one you were constantly sneaking around to meet with, but he knew there was someone who was currently taking up all the space in your mind and possibly your heart. You didn’t realize how serious things were getting between the two of you until Erica asked to schedule a meeting with you. She never really worried about anything considering your catering share of the wedding and if she did, she would normally call you. So you were curious as to why she was wanting to meet in person. When she entered your office, she had a blank expression on her face and you were quick to notice the way her brows were furrowing as if something was on her mind. You were surprised when the question fell from her lips. 

“Please be honest with me. From one woman to another, you and Mark. You weren’t just classmates, were you?” 

You began to chew on your bottom lip and took a deep breath in before responding. “Did he tell you something?” 

She shook her head. “No. That’s why I’m here, asking you. His dad told my dad that he thinks Mark is secretly seeing someone. Apparently Mark’s been in a very good mood lately and I couldn’t help but notice it happened right after our meeting. Please let me know if there’s anything going on between the two of you so that I can cancel this whole thing. I don’t know what your relationship is like, but I don’t want to go along with marrying him if someone else is in the picture.” 

You began nervously picking at your nails and couldn’t look at her in the eyes. Although you knew that her and Mark weren’t actually together, you couldn’t help but feel guilty. But you didn’t understand why. It’s not like you and Mark were seeing each other. The two of you were just friends. However, she did have a right to worry about Mark interacting with another woman, even if you weren’t together romantically. If word got out that he was having an affair, both his and her father’s companies would receive a lot of backlash. So you could see why she wanted to know. 

“Mark and I were in a relationship almost four years ago. But I promise you, there’s nothing going on between us. What he and I had was in the past. We’re friends, but that’s all we’re going to be. However, if you don’t want to go through with the wedding, do it for yourself. Mark told me about the arrangement. You shouldn’t have to get married to someone you don’t want to marry for the sake of your father’s company. You’re still so young, I’m sure there are many men out there—“ 

She frowned. “You don’t understand how this works do you? Our engagement is already out in the public. Hundreds of businessmen invested in to both our companies because of it. We can’t stop the wedding for no reason y/n. Mark and I may not be a couple and we both probably will never have whatever it is the two of you once had. But he and I both were groomed to take over our companies one day and we are both responsible for making decisions that will benefit our businesses. Whether we like it or not. I’m asking you now, for the sake of your business and ours. I didn’t want it to come to this, but I won’t hesitate to take your restaurant down if you do get in the way of our wedding. If you know what’s best for you, leave my fiancée alone. I’ve also decided that we will no longer be needing your services. Thank you for your time.” 

With that, she took her bag and stormed out of the room, leaving you speechless. You sank lower in to your seat and your heart felt as if it was going to jump out of your chest. Erica was a very polite woman, but hearing her threaten your restaurant made your blood boil. You had no intentions of getting in the way of her and Mark’s wedding and if anything, it was him who was instigating everything between the two of you. 

As much as you cared for Mark, if you continued being friends with him, both you and him would suffer the consequences. It wasn’t Erica that you were afraid of. She was all words, you knew she was just trying to scare you. You were however, afraid of what both her father and Mark’s father were capable of doing if they did find out about your friendship with your ex. You teared up at the thought of losing him again; you were getting used to his presence and having him around, now you were going to lose him permanently. However, that’s what was best for the two of you. You typed out multiple texts, letting him know that you could no longer be friends with him, but you found yourself deleting the messages all-together. 

You couldn’t do it, you couldn’t lose him. Then the thought of your restaurant, your employees and all that you’ve been through to get to where you were ran through your mind and that’s why you told Mark that you could not continue your friendship and that you were no longer going to be catering to his wedding. As soon as you sent the text, you sank to your knees and cried for what felt like hours. It seemed as if every time you cried at work, Mark was the reason. 

You heard a soft knock at the door and you were too distraught to ask whoever was knocking to leave you alone. When Jaebum made his way in to the room, it all felt like deja vu. Just a few months ago, he was consoling you over Mark coming back in to your life. Now here he was, rocking you back and forth at the thought of losing Mark. He didn’t say anything and continued to run his fingers through your hair as your tears kept flowing down your cheeks. When Jaebum realized that you were no longer heaving, he motioned for you to look up at him.

“It’s because of that guy Mark again isn’t it?” You shyly nodded in agreement and Jaebum sighed. “Does it have to deal with his engagement, or is it personal?” You began to contemplate telling him exactly what just went down between you and Erica just a few minutes ago. As your main sous chef and best friend, he had the right to know. 

“Erica no longer wants us to cater to their wedding and it’s because she thinks Mark and I are having an affair.” You could cut the tension in the air with a knife. You could feel Jaebum frown against your neck but you didn’t want to act upon it. 

“I know you y/n, you’re not the type of person to do something like that. Or at least that’s what I’d like to think. But is her assumptions true? Are you and Mark back together again?” You were quick to disagree. You didn’t think your friendship with Mark was going to get in the way of their marriage, but if Erica was willing to cut you off from catering to the wedding, then it was probably serious. After taking a few minutes to get yourself together, you explained everything to Jaebum. From the time you and Mark started dating, to the night of his parents anniversary. Then you updated him on how the two of you became friends again and he just sat there as you talked like the amazing listener he was. When he felt like you were done going in to detail about the mess you were in, he spoke up. 

“You don’t still have any feelings for him, do you?” He took your silence as your answer and released a frustrated sigh. He wasn’t upset with the fact that you gained feelings for your ex boyfriend. It was inevitable. No matter what happened between the two of you and no matter how long you’ve been apart from each other, you could never forget your first love. Just like you, Jaebum was afraid of taking things further with you just in case it didn’t work out between the two of you. 

He wanted you in his life whatever way he’d be able to have you, even if it meant just being your best friend. For the three years he’s known you for, there was always a part of you that you hid from the world, including himself. He knew something must’ve happened to you prior to becoming friends with you, but he never wanted to ask about it. Seeing the way you reacted right after your first meeting with Mark answered pretty much all of his questions and he knew that there was a chance you were still in love with Mark. Jaebum was there for you through it all. 

He’s seen you at your lowest points, and he’s been with you through your highest. He was completely aware that you were such a tough person with a good head on your shoulders. However, after seeing you so fragile, so broken over what had just happened made him worry that not even he could fix you.

“Y/n.” You looked up at him with the saddest look on your face and Jaebum swore his heart broke in that very moment. “If it’s meant to be, it will be. Okay? Love will always find a way. You said so yourself, they’re in an arranged marriage and he’s told you multiple times that he’s still in love with you. If he loves you like he claims he does, then he’ll do whatever he has to do to make things right. Even if it means finally standing up to his parents and backing out of the wedding. If he can’t do that, then it’s obvious he doesn’t deserve you. And I’m telling you right now, if he ends up breaking your heart again y/n, I won’t hesitate to kick his ass.” 

You giggled softly in to his chest before placing a chaste kiss there. You honestly don’t know what you’d do without Jaebum. Your life was so much easier with him in it. Once he felt like you were completely calmed down, he stood up and brought you up with him. He snickered at your tear stained face and placed some of your hair behind your ear. 

“Come on, put on your big girl shoes and let’s get cooking. The guys and I feel as if we hardly see you nowadays and I know Mr.CEO has a lot to do with it. I hope he knows that the six of us will always be your favorite men. I’m obviously the number one man in your life.” You playfully pinched his cheek and put your hair up while Jaebum helped you with your apron. 

You tried your best to focus on cooking and the jokes the guys kept making throughout the day, but you couldn’t help the fact that your mind kept wandering to Mark. Did he get your message? Did Erica talk to him? How did he feel when you told him you could no longer be apart of his life anymore? The day felt as if it was dragging on and you couldn’t wait for it to be over with. Luckily, many customers seemed to come in, giving you a chance to focus on something other than Erica and Mark. Once it was time to close, you made a beeline for your phone and frowned when you saw all the missed calls and text messages from Mark. 

You weren’t ready to hear what he had to say, so you shoved your phone in your bag and packed up your things in order to go home. As you were walking towards the kitchen, you felt a gentle tug on your wrist. 

“I know you’re probably going to overthink if you go home tonight and as much as you want to be by yourself, maybe it’s best if you slept over my place. Just for tonight. We could watch a movie and I’ll make you some ramen. I’ll even give you my favorite hoodie that you love so much. Please? I hate the thought of you suffering alone. We can even steal some ice cream from the freezer.” 

You smirked in response, causing his grin to widen. “Fine. You had me at your hoodie. And ramen. Thank you Jaebum. You’re truly amazing you know that?” He playfully wiggled his brows at you. 

“Oh I know. I’m a catch. I hope you know I wouldn’t do this kind of thing for anyone else. Jackson still complains that he has yet to see my apartment. You’re special y/n and you mean a lot to me.” You were sure he could see the blush that rose upon your cheeks, but he didn’t say anything as he took your bags and led you to his car. 

The drive to his place was quiet, other than the soft jazz playing on the radio; but you liked it. It was a peaceful and calming kind of silence. Most of your rides with Jaebum would consist of loud music as the two of you would sing along to at the top of your lungs, but Jaebum knew that’s not what you needed right now. Once he pulled in to his complex, he walked over to your side and helped you out. Sometimes, you found yourself wondering how your life would be like if you and Jaebum were to end up together. 

He was quite the gentleman, he knew exactly what to do to make you laugh and smile like an idiot, he took such good care of you and wanted nothing but the best for you. However, your heart always belong to Mark and over the years, you continued holding on to a tiny string of hope that he would come to his senses one day and finally choose you. 

After entering his apartment, he quickly made his way to his room to get you something to wear as you took your place on his couch. You decided against looking at your phone for the rest of the night just because you didn’t want to ruin your time with Jaebum. The thought of losing Mark permanently sent an upsetting feeling to your stomach and you were sure he was doing his best to get in touch with you in order to prevent you from doing so. But there wasn’t anything you could do. The ball was in his court now. If he wanted it to be different this time, it was all up to him. 

“Here. I got you some sweats too if that’s okay.” You smiled politely at him and followed him to the kitchen where he began cooking dinner for the both of you. The night was spent eating everything his fridge had to offer while watching the first three Star Wars movies. He pulled you close to him and had his arm wrapped around your shoulder throughout the entirety of the night. You’ve always felt so safe in Jaebum’s arms and you were afraid of how lost you’d feel if you no longer had him around. 

Everyone and their mothers knew that Jaebum harbored feelings for you, it was painfully obvious and the guys made it known almost every day. You were afraid that knowing you were trying to mend your relationship with Mark would only ruin your friendship with Jaebum. If you had to choose between the two of them, you know you’d choose Jaebum. 

Mark chose his family that night, but Jaebum always chose you no matter the circumstance. When you called him and asked him to come work for you, he already had many offers on the table from well known restaurants that he’s never told you about, but he agreed to you in a heartbeat. When his ex girlfriend at the time didn’t approve of his friendship with you and had him choose between you and her, he broke up with her the following morning. 

In the first month after your restaurant opening, you hardly had any customers and you were so embarrassed. You didn’t know what to do. It came to a point where you wanted to give it all up, but the man whose arms were currently wrapped around you never let you do so. Jaebum had always known you were destined for greatness. You were the most hard working and passionate person he knew; so he did his best to put your restaurant on the map by handing out fliers, putting ads online and even handing out free samples to people. It didn’t take long for customers to start coming in and no matter how many times you’ve thanked him for making your restaurant what it was, he made sure you knew it was all because of your talent and determination. 

Your heart cried for the older boy. You wished you could return the same feelings for him. However, even if Mark didn’t come back in to your life, you were sure a relationship between you and Jaebum wouldn’t blossom. The two of you have known each other for too long to put your friendship at risk if something negative were to happen. 

You didn’t even realize you fell asleep on his shoulder during revenge of the sith nor did you feel the soft kiss that was placed against your lips as he placed you gently on to his bed. When you woke up the next morning, it took you a few seconds to recognize where you were; but you’ve slept over Jaebum’s apartment countless times to know you were in his room. The navy blue bed sheets and cream walls suited him. So did the Bart Simpson poster on the wall. You made your way out in to the living room and frowned when you noticed he wasn’t there. It was then that you realized what time it was and began to freak out. Did you really sleep until 11:30? It was practically already lunch time and you were about to lose your mind until you noticed the post-it note waiting for you on the counter. 

“Hey, I’m not too sure when you’ll read this and knowing you, I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m home by the time you actually get up. I went to work. I didn’t want to wake you, you deserve a break after everything you’ve went through yesterday. I’ve prepared you some breakfast, it’s sitting in the microwave. You kept stealing all the blanket last night by the way, so you owe me one. Rest up and I’ll see you later. Have a nice rest of your morning..or afternoon.-JB” 

you smiled at his words before eating your breakfast and deciding to head back to your place. You didn’t want to take advantage of Jaebum’s generosity and you really wanted to take a shower. Since he was the one to drive you over to his place, you called for an Uber and patiently waited for it to arrive. 

In that moment, you took out your phone and finally began to read Mark’s texts and listened to the voicemails he left. As soon as you heard his muffled cries, you began tearing up yourself. He sounded extremely devastated. He had just gotten you back in to his life and he knew he was slowly gaining back your trust. There was no way he was going to lose you that easily. Mark knew what had to be done in order to win back your love completely and even if it took him years of being away from you and crying over you to come to this point, he was prepared to give up everything for you. 

His texts were filled with apologies but it seemed as if he didn’t know what to do either. There was no way he would stop being friends with you, but he too was afraid of what his father was capable of. Throughout the entire ride, you felt numb. You couldn’t think. Sure, you could beg and plead for Mark to leave you alone even if you both knew that’s not what you wanted. But you knew Mark, he wasn’t going to give up that easily. You just weren’t sure of what he had planned or how far he was willing to go for you. 

After the driver dropped you off to your building, it took all your energy to drag your body to the elevator. Your fingers hovered over his contact multiple times. It was selfish of you and you knew that you’d only make things worse by trying to reach out to him after telling him to leave you alone. However, the slumped figure that was sitting on your welcome mat made your head spin. Not knowing how long he’s been waiting there for, you found yourself running towards him and he was quick to lift his head up at the sound of your shoes against the concrete. 

Once his eyes landed on yours, he got up from his spot on the ground and didn’t hesitate to pull you in his arms. You felt so relieved yet extremely nervous to see him. What was he doing there? Was he not afraid of the consequences if Erica were to find out he continued to stay in contact with you? You felt tears against your neck as his grip on your waist only tightened. 

“Mark, what are you doing here? How long have you been waiting for?” You opened the door to your apartment and pulled him in, not noticing that he had yet to respond. Before you could ask any more questions walk any further, he turned you to face him and hesitantly brought his hand up to your cheek. “Mark—“ when you felt his lips against yours, it’s as time stopped and the room began to spin in slow motion. 

You knew it was wrong, but you’ve missed the sensation of his lips on yours. It felt so foreign, yet all too familiar and you didn’t realize how much you craved the taste of his lips until you deepened the kiss. Things began getting hot and heavy between the two of you, after not having each other like this in so long your bodies were reacting desperately and hearing his sweet moans sent warmth to your core. Unfortunately, red flags began to go off in your mind, causing you to pull away. He knew you were confused by the dazed look on your face so before you could say anything, he spoke up. 

“I quit today.” You looked up at him in shock. What exactly did he mean? He giggled at your blank expression before stealing one more kiss. 

“I’m assuming Erica confronted you and threatened you. She told me she went to see you and I knew something was up when she said she was no longer in need of your services. She began to belittle you and said rude things about you and I couldn’t take it so I stormed out of the conference room at her dad’s company and made my way to my family’s company. That’s also around the same time I got your messages and I was pissed. I know I don’t deserve it; I don’t deserve you, but I just got you back in my life. This is the happiest I’ve been in a really long time. There’s no way I was going to lose you again. Not if there was anything I could do about it. I made my way up to my dad’s office and let my heart do the talking. I told him I was resigning and refused to go on with the wedding.” 

He smiled gently at you and playfully booped your nose. “I chose you, something I should’ve done three years ago. My dad was furious and even started cussing at me. I’m pretty sure I’m disowned by my family now, but I don’t care. You’re all the family that I could ever need. I know, you probably think I’m insane for doing something so abrupt and not putting more thought in to it and I did it without even knowing how you feel. I don’t know whether or not you’d want to be with me. I can only hope and pray that you’ll take me back. Even if you decide that it’s too late for us, I don’t regret my decision one bit. In choosing you, I also chose myself. I don’t know why I allowed the wedding plans to get this far. I just felt like I deserved it I guess.”

He gently placed his forehead against yours and grazed your wrist with his thumb. “The thought of you made me realize that I’m so much more than what my parents want me to be. As much as I hated not having you in my life, maybe we needed this. I mean, I needed it. I learned my lesson. I’m a grown ass man, I have the right to make my own decisions. Even if it means going against my parent’s wishes. There’s so many opportunities I missed out on because it wasn’t something they would’ve been proud of. But I don’t give a shit about what they want anymore. It took me years to come to the realization that they couldn’t give two shits about my happiness yet I was so willing to do anything and everything they asked of me. I wanted to be the perfect son and I lost both you and myself in the process. Fucked up isn’t it?” 

You could feel him tense up at the thought of all he’s been through and you found yourself gently caressing his arms in attempts to calm him down. “You don’t have to say anything, I know it’s a lot to take in. It was a lot for me. I came here as soon as I left the company. I needed to see you and tell you everything. I’m screwed, honestly. I don’t have a college degree nor do I have much experience, but that’s not my main focus right now. I’ll worry about all of that later. You. You’re all that matters right now. I’m all yours if you’ll have me y/n. I can’t give you much. I can no longer provide for you in the ways that I used to be able to. But I can give you my mind, body, heart and soul. I’ll support you, care for you, love you. Do whatever you need me to do. I’ll be whatever you need me to be. I built thick skin during the time we were apart. I truly believe that God, for whatever reason that I will be forever grateful for, brought us together again and I couldn’t let you get away this time. I love you y/n and I’m sorry. I know that my apologies probably don’t mean anything to you, but I’ll spend the rest of my life proving to you that I’m deserving of you and your love. That you’re all I could ever dream of. I’m going to do whatever I can to gain your trust again. We’ll take things at your pace y/n, that is if you decide you’re willing to come back to me.” 

For months after your breakup, you found yourself crying and getting drunk almost every single day in order to prevent your mind from wandering to him. It took you almost an entire year to come to terms with your breakup. You tried your best to lie to yourself, telling yourself that you hated him. That he was never man enough for you. That you deserved better. You made a promise to yourself that if Mark were to ever come back and beg you to return to him, you wouldn’t give in. 

However, the handsome man standing in front of you was different than the boy who failed to put you before his family. He was more mature, he finally realized his worth and no longer cared about what anyone other than you had to think about him. It took a long time, but you were over the moon to hear his sudden confession. You were glad he was aware that you deserved better. But you didn’t want better. You wanted Mark. For as long as time would permit you to have him for. Seeing the way he was looking at you with so much love and admiration in his gaze is the reason you found yourself reconnecting your lips together. You could only hope that he could feel the love you had for him through the kiss and as he smiled against the corner of your lips, you knew your message was received. 

“I love you too Mark. So much. I wish I could say I stopped, only because I was so upset with you. But I never stopped and I know I never will. You own this pathetic heart of mine. I know I deserve better, but I also know that you’re not the same person you were three years ago. I’m so proud of you for building up the courage and putting your foot down. God, you have such a way with words. I really don’t know how to respond to all of that. I’ve missed you so much. I’m sorry you had to sacrifice practically your entire life for me, but I’m extremely happy you did. Like you said, you didn’t do it just for me, you did it for yourself too. I know it will be hard for you to start from scratch, but you’ve never failed to make me proud in all that you’ve accomplished. I’m sure you’ve gained a lot of knowledge working at the company. You could go to college and get your degree in architecture and maybe even start your own company. I’ll be by your side the entire time and I’ll help you in any way possible.” 

You smiled up widely at him and giggled when you saw tears form at his eyes. “You were always so sensitive, come here my crybaby.” You brought him towards your living room and laid on your couch, brining him down with you. He placed his head against your chest and began leaving soft kisses along your jaw. 

“You’re perfect, you know that? Thank you for taking me back baby. You won’t regret it.” To your dismay, he got up off of you and as you were about to complain about the loss of warmth, he threw you over his shoulder and playfully slapped your cute little butt. 

“Mark! What are you doing?!” He laughed as he made his way to what he thought was your bedroom. 

“Three years. I went three years without you and your beautiful body. I haven’t had sex in three years y/n, I’m sure I could be considered a born again virgin. I’m sex deprived, hell, I don’t even know if this thing still works. Give it a try babe. Don’t look at me like that. We have a lot to make up for, so be prepared. Why don’t you take out all your built up anger you’ve built up over the years and dom me princess—OW. Yes, I love the aggressiveness—okay I don’t find that kinky at all—will you stop that?” He threw you down on your bed and jumped on top of you. Your hands made their way in to his hair and gently tugged on it, earning yourself an erotic moan. 

Mark began leaving kisses all around your face before making his way down towards where you needed him the most. As he began nipping and sucking on your chest, he suddenly pulled away, earning himself a glare. However, his next words made your cheeks warm. “Thank you for coming back to me baby. This is only the beginning of our forever. Aw babe, don’t start getting emotional on me now. I was just seconds away from eating your pretty pussy and fucking your brains out—okay. You’re definitely gonna get it.” 

Before he could go any further, you cupped his chin with your fingers and made eye contact with him. “I love you Mark Tuan.” He kissed you passionately, as if his life depended on it before grinding himself in to your thigh. “I love you more y/n. Don’t you ever forget it.”

[atlafan]

Take it Slow - Part Fourteen

a/n: okay this is my first shot at a harry:y/n fic, and it will be multiple parts. y/n had a bad experience with an ex over a year ago, and finally accepts her coworker and good friend Niall’s invitation to go on a blind date with his friend Harry.

(Smut if you squint. Fluffy fluff.)

Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five Part Six Part Seven Part Eight Part Nine Part Ten Part Eleven Part Twelve Part Thirteen

Masterpost

You wake up to sunlight hitting your face, and Harry lightly snoring. His mouth was parted open, and he looked absolutely spent. You turned over to check your phone, and just scroll for a bit. Secretly hoping your eyes would become tired again. Harry turned over with you, pulling you to his chest. You adjust yourself, and you feel him press into you. He nuzzles into your hair, and his eyes flutter open. He groans at the light in the room, wishing he had remembered to pull the curtains before going to bed.

“My head is fucking killing me.” He says into your hair, pressing himself further into your butt.

“Jesus, good morning.” You say turning over to face him. “Are you ever not hard, Harry?” You coo, pressing your forehead to his.

“Waking up to you and that ass? Of course I’m hard.” He nuzzles into your neck. He kisses you, and just as he’s about to bite you, you wince. He brings his head up to look at you, and raises an eyebrow. “Somethin’ wrong?”

“No, it’s just, you tend to bite the same spot, and you like to bite really hard. Not that I’m complaining, I think it’s sexy. But, maybe you could bite me, on a different part of my neck. Maybe closer to my collar bone so I can hide it easier?”

“I’ve been hurting you, and you haven’t told me?”

“No, it doesn’t hurt. It feels really good, and I know you like to bite. You just tend to bite me in the same spot, and after a while it just feels raw. I need to let it heal a little. Baby, if I didn’t like it I would tell you.” He gives you a grin.

“What do you mean, you know I like to bite?” He asks, entangling his legs with yours.

“Well, it’s obvious. You bite my neck up and down, you nip at my chest, you love to bite my nipples, which again, I’m not complaining because it feels good, and then you also like to bite at my…area.”

“Your clit, I like to bite on your clit.” What is with him this morning? It’s far too early to make you listen to words like that.

“Yeah, there. It’s just something I noticed, it’s not a bad thing. I like it, a lot.”

“I didn’t realize I was doing it at the same spot, I can try to be more careful.”

“That would be ahhhh.”

Harry started to kiss on the skin right below your earlobe before you could finish speaking. His teeth sink into you, and he pulls you closer to his body. This was his way of releasing his frustration, it had to be. You felt like with each day maybe you’d try fingers but you just were too fucking scared. You were creating a problem before there even was one, but you couldn’t help it.

“Come shower with me.” He practically growls.

“Alright.” Was this Harry hungover? Even hornier than when he was drunk? You were used to him wanting you when you’d first wake up, but usually a growling stomach or something would distract you. He also was being a little more aggressive than usual. It didn’t scare you because he wasn’t going to physically hurt you, or force himself on you. Maybe he just wants to take back a little control. Maybe being together for two months has made him just more able to be himself.

You follow him into the bathroom, and he starts the water. He looks at himself in the mirror, inspecting his face.

“Needa shave today, I think.” He looks at you. “Take ya shirt off please.” You giggle and do as he says, revealing your full self to him. You had gotten more and more comfortable with this. He takes his boxers off, and tests the water. “Perfect, come on.” He puts his hand out to you, and helps you in.

You nuzzle your face into his chest as the warm water hits your back. You jolt up when you realize your hair is down. You reach for the elastic on your wrist, and quickly put your hair up.

“Why do you always do that?”

“Do what?”

“Whenever you shower here, you make sure your hair is up.”

“Oh, well, it’s just that I don’t typically bring more than like my face wash with me. I wash my hair on specific days, and if I’m not washing it I don’t want to get it wet. I don’t have a blow dryer here.”

“I have a blow dryer.” You’re not surprised.

“I don’t have my dryer brushes. You have to use a specific brush.”

“Why not leave some of those things here then? They must have travel sizes of your shampoo, or hell bring the regular size here. And bring a spare dryer brush too. I leave things for myself at your place, I want you to do the same here.” You could cry, you could absolutely sob. No guy you had ever been with had ever wanted leaving things of you around. “While you’re at it, you could even hang some things up in my closet. I don’t have much room in my dresser, otherwise I’d offer up a drawer. But my closet has room.”

“Harry, you’re so sweet, I’ll start leaving more of my things here.” You beam up at him.

“You do so much to make your place feel like home for me, I want this place to feel like home for you.”

That does it, that really does it. You feel tears welling up, and you wrap your arms around him, nearly making him lose his balance. He wraps his arms around you, and gives you a squeeze.

“Alright, alright. Let’s get ya cleaned up. I got my jizz all over ya last night.” He grabs a wash cloth and his body wash, and lathers it up. “If you bring your stuff here then you won’t have to smell like this anymore.” He laughs, washing your back.

“But I like smelling like that, it smells like you.”

“Jesus, now ya got me tearing up.” You both start laughing. You return the favor by washing his body, and you both get out. “Just gotta shave, love.” You walk out with your towel on you snug. You notice Harry’s phone go off on the night table. It’s Louis.

“Harry, Louis’ calling!”

“Could ya answer it for me please?” He yells back. You gulp, wow he is really trusting you.

“Hello, um, Harry’s phone.” You could slap yourself at how lame you sound.

“Mornin’, love. Where’s me mate.”

“Shavin’.”

“Ah, could ya bring the phone to the bathroom then? Put me on speaker?”

“Sure thing.” You walk back to the bathroom, and put the phone on speaker. “Harry, Louis is on speaker.”

“Alright, oi, mate you couldn’t wait?” He says, washing the rest of the shaving cream off his smooth face. He takes the phone from you, but leaves it on speaker. His towel is hanging really low on his waist and you can’t help but stare.

“Nah, felt like buggin’ ya. Wanna do an early lunch? 11:30?” Harry looks at you, and looks at the clock on the wall. It already ten. You give him a look, that says of course it’s okay. “Uh, yeah, that works.”

“Great, we can come pick you up, and then bring ya to you car later.”

“Sounds good.” Harry hangs up the phone. “I feel bad, I don’t want to leave you.”

“It’s okay, I want you to see your friends. I brought my laptop with me, so I can just get some work done while you’re gone.”

“You won’t mind being all alone for a few hours?”

“No, I like hanging out here.”

“You’re the best.”

Harry got picked up right at 11:30. You had put some yoga pants on, and a sports bra. You set your laptop up at his desk, and got caught up on some emails.

Harry, Louis, and Niall went to their favorite diner.

“Do you lads remember that time we had that rager at the apartment? And the cops came, but they sent a female cop, and we had to send Harry in to turn on the charm?” Louis started laughing hysterically.

“Yeah, expect she still wrote us a summons.” harry groaned.

“She wrote her number on it!” Niall also laughs hysterically. “Did you ever hook up with her?”

“Course I did. Called her that night.” He laughs too, then stops, thinking of you. “I don’t really want to talk about old hookups, if that’s alright.”

“Right, because you’re so in loooooove with (y/n).” Louis makes a kissy face at Harry.

“Stop it, I’m not in love with her…” Harry looks down at his food. “I’m definitely falling for her though. I can’t get enough of her, literally. I could want her at any second.”

“But can ya have her at any second?” Louis asks.

“Pretty much…it doesn’t take much to get her goin’.” Niall gives Harry an eye roll. “Sorry mate, sometimes I forget that you’re her friend too.”

“Oh yeah, you set the two of them up right?”

“Yup, and it’s fine. I know her and her friends talk about us like this too.”

“How are things with Sarah?” Harry asks.

“Still really good, although I think she’s hopin’ to know if I’m her boyfriend yet. I think next weekend I’m gonna take her out for a nice date so we can chat about it.”

“Look at the three of us, we all have ladies in our lives. And we can’t shut up about ‘em.” Louis scoffs.

“You haven’t mentioned Eleanor once today.” Harry says to Louis.

“Because I know it’ll just set you off, and I’m not lookin’ do that.”

“It wouldn’t set me off. I’m happy that you’re happy.”

“Yeah, but you hate that she makes me happy.”

“I just don’t appreciate a girl comin’ in and sayin’ you’re too close with your best mate. She basically said we couldn’t be friends anymore.”

“She never said that. If she didn’t want me havin’ friends, then how do you explain Niall?”

“God, leave me outta this one.”

“You know it’s different with him. Niall was fuckin’ just as many girls as I was, and yet I was the womanizing prick. All because he’s the blonde, innocent looking one, and I’m the one that looks rough around the edges.”

“That’s not it, we both have tattoos all over us.”

“So what was the threat then?” Louis and Niall look at each other. “Hello?”

“She, she thought something was goin’ on between us, okay?”

“What do you mean going on between us?”

“Well, she noticed your nail polish and all your jewelry, which we all think is great, doesn’t bother us one bit. In fact, I’d love for you to bring back the pearls. That was when your hair was a bit longer too.”

“So? A man can’t have long hair?”

“No, it was just, she thought maybe we were goin’ behind her back.” Niall takes a big sip of his coffee as he watches the boys finally have the conversation they’ve needed to have.

“She thought I was gay?”

“Or bisexual, or just like fluid or something, I don’t know. She thought the same of me.”

“Why would she think you and I were fuckin’?” Harry starts laughing.

“Because she felt like I would pay more attention to you when she’d come over, or that I’d make more time for you in general. Ugh, and then there was the day she found us in bed together.” Niall and Harry burst out laughing. “S’not funny she was mortified.”

“That was pretty funny. Didn’t we wake up spoonin’? We got piss drunk the night before and we crashed together, not a big deal.”

“I know that!”

“So what, she accepted the job offer two hours from here to keep you on lock? Trust me, if I wanted you, I’d have you.” Harry takes a sip of his coffee winking at his friend, while Louis scoffs. “Has she calmed down a bit since she knows I have a girlfriend?”

“She was on edge the second I left her side last night. She tried to be cool because we hadn’t seen each other in ages, but it was still hard for her. I’ve told her til I’m blue in the face that nothin’ ever happened between us, but she still suspects.”

“Why?”

“She found that picture of us in me scrapbook kissin’ under the mistletoe at our Christmas party senior year.”

Niall’s drink comes out his nose, and Harry laughs a big belly laugh.

“Why the fuck would you keep that?!” He says through tears.

“I don’t know! I was unpackin’ some shit one day and it fell out. I had completely forgotten it. Ever since then she’s been on red alert. I told it was just like a kiss between mates, you know, a drunken gag. It’s so frustratin’. She knows I love her, but she thinks I love your more.”

“And you don’t?” Harry asks playfully.

“You’re a cheeky bastard, you know that?”

“Look, do you want me to talk to her? Set her straight?”

“No, but we do want you to come visit us. I think she would feel more comfortable on a home turf.”

“Fine, I will find a weekend for us to come visit.”

“Us?”

“Well, of course I’d bring (y/n), clearly she’s my beard or something” harry scoffs. “Jesus, can’t even kiss my mate under the mistletoe without someone thinkin’ I’m gay.” Harry says sarcastically. “Why couldn’t she have found the picture of the three of us kissing, now that would’ve been funny.”

“That picture was burned.” Niall says. “The three of us really shouldn’t drink together anymore.” He laughs.

“It wasn’t the alcohol. Didn’t we do shrooms or something that night?” Harry asks.

“I have no fuckin’ idea.”

The boys bring Harry to his car, and follow him back to his place. Louis wanted to see Harry’s new cameras. You were sprawled out on the couch with a book. You hear the door rustling open, and put your book down. You hear him laughing, the boys must be with him. As he keys in, his eyes grow wide at your outfit. You couldn’t even reach for a sweatshirt because you didn’t bring one. Louis and Niall grow quiet as well.

“Um, hi guys.” You say.

“Hey (y/n), see you survived my party.” Niall sits next to you on the couch. He’s seen you in less clothes, you weren’t particularly bothered.

“The cameras are over there, mate.” Harry points to his camera bag. Louis walks over to them and takes the camera out.

“Wow, this lens is sweet.” Louis looks through it.

“Are you a photographer too?” You ask.

“Fuckin’ Harry, you don’t even tell your girlfriend about me? Yeah, love, I’m a photographer too.”

“What do you take pictures of?”

“Um, people mostly. I’m a freelancer, I work a lot of weddings and such.”

“So you all were in undergrad together?”

“Yup, and then we all went to the same grad school. Recipe for disaster.” Niall says.

“No, the recipe for disaster was us living together for more than three years. It was like a frat house.” Louis says. “Parties all the time, I have no idea how we graduated.” Harry goes over to you.

“Have you eaten? I brought you back some oatmeal.” He hands you a to go bowl.

“Oh! Thank you, I had a small snack earlier, but oatmeal sounds great.” You take it from him, and the plastic spoon he has with it, and dig in. “Mmm, is that from that place you took me to when we first started going out?”

“Yup.” Harry smiles and sits on the other side of you.

“So, (y/n), what do you do?” Louis asks.

“I’m in marketing with Niall. I edit our photos and videos.”

“Is Niall like your boss?” You and Niall both laugh.

“No, we’re equals. Niall just project manages, so he likes to think he’s my boss.” You adjust your top and all three boys take a glance at your chest. It’s a bit cold in the apartment, and you’re not wearing the thickest bra. You can just make out your piercings. Louis sits down at one of the chairs near the couch. “Excuse me, I’ll be right back.” You get up and go use the bathroom.

“Mate, does she have a naval piercing?” Louis asks.

“Yeah.”

“That’s hot.”

“Why is that hot?” Niall asks. He takes a moment and thinks of Sarah. “You wanna know what’s really hot? Sarah has her nipples pierced.” He whispers so you won’t hear.

“No fuckin’ way.” Louis says. Harry’s eyes are wild. He forgot that you and all your friends got them pierced together.

“Yeah, she said her junior year of college her and her friends all got them to…geth…er.” You reenter the room, and Niall speaks slowly while looking at you. Harry pinches his nose with his thumb and forefinger.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Are your nipples pierced?”

“Dammit Harry!” You swat at shoulder. “You told them?”

“No! He just put two and two together because he told us about Sarah’s.”

“Why were you even talking about something like that?”

“Because Lou noticed your naval.” Niall says. “Your nipples are really pierced? Yours?”

“Yes, okay, yes, why is it such a big deal?”

“S’not, I’m just surprised. You won’t get a tattoo but you get your nipples pierced.”

“Okay! Can we please stop talking about my nipples? I was twenty years old, drunk, and stupid. Haven’t you guys ever done something stupid while you were drunk?” You cross your arms over your chest.

“As a matter of fact, these lads were talkin’ about that earlier.” Niall winks at Louis.

“Don’t you fuckin’ start this up again. Sorry if we embarrassed ya.” Louis says

“S’okay.” You sit back down next to Harry. He puts an arm around you. You shoot daggers at him for not defending you.

“Hmm, I wonder how I could get El to do hers. Did it hurt when you had them done?” You sigh.

“The second one hurt worse since I knew what to expect.”

“Do they feel good?”

“Alright, Lou, that’s enough dontcha think?” Harry finally interjects.

“We’re all adults here ain’t we? It’s a simple question.”

“Yeah, but you’re askin’ my girlfriend, right in front of me, if her nipple piercings feel good. Not to mention you’re askin’ it also in front of her male best friend.”

“Oh don’t be such a prude. (y/n), you don’t have to answer, but it would be great to have a first-hand account.” Your face is beat red.

“They, I don’t know, I barely notice they’re there now.”

“No I mean like-“

“Oh! Oh, um…” You look up at Harry, who is also turning red. “For me, I like it, but I know people who have them pierced and it doesn’t really do anything for them. I think it depends on the person.”

“Gotcha. Can I tell ya a crazy story? I once hooked up with a girl who had her clit pierced, begged me to suck on it, came instantly.” Your jaw nearly drops, and you double over laughing.

“Oh, I like you, you’re funny.” You say wiping your eyes. “It was embarrassing enough having my top off in front of a stranger, I couldn’t imagine going into a shop and dropping my pants.”

“I have a feelin’ a friend did it for her or somethin’.”

“So did you all just like constantly hook up with girls?”

“Pretty much, we were a bunch of pricks back then. Nothin’ to be proud of.” Louis rubs the back of his neck.

“What made you wanna settle down with Eleanor?”

“Well, I was actually datin’ this other girl. She was why I stayed here in the states. But things didn’t work out. Which sucked because I got her pregnant.”

“Oh my god, you’re a dad!?” You look at Harry, and then back to Louis. Why had Harry never mentioned that his best friend had a child?

“Yeah, I have a son called Freddie. I met El about a year later, and we never separated.”

“Do you have any pictures?” Louis takes out his phone with a smirk on his face.

“Freddie is the cutest kid you’ll ever see.” Harry says. “I remember when we first went to the hospital to see him, I think I cried more than Lou.” Louis hands you his phone.

“Oh, Louis, he’s precious. How old is he?”

“Just turned four.”

“Wow, how did you handle being such a young parent?”

“It wasn’t easy. His mum and I had already split by the time we found out she was pregnant. I help out as much as I can.”

“Where do they live?”

“Bout an hour from where I live now, another reason why El and I decided to move a little farther away from here. She loves Freddie, and she’s great with him too. So that makes things easier.” You hand him back his phone as it starts to ring. “Hi, love. We were just talkin’ bout ya. Yeah, we’ll be back soon, just wrappin’ up. Bye.” He hangs up. “Niall, mind if we go, El and I have a long drive you know?”

“Sure, mate.” Niall stands up. Harry stands as well, and walks over to the door with them.

“It was great to meet you Louis.”

“Same to you. Take good care of me lad.”

Harry and Louis share a long hug, you think Harry is nearly going to cry.

“So, we’ll plan somethin’ soon?” Louis asks as he lets go.

“Yeah, really soon.” Harry smiles at them, as Niall and Louis walk out.

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“You alright?”

“I will be. I feel like I took in a lot of information today.” He sits back next to you. “Sorry if that was awkward for you. Lou doesn’t really have a filter.”

“I can’t believe he’s a dad to a four year old.”

“He’s a great dad. He loves that boy more than anything. Would you, um, be interested in finding a weekend to go visit him and Eleanor sometime?” You’re shocked that you didn’t have to bring it up first.

“Um, yeah we could do that sometime.”

“Not before we go away together just the two of us though. Be kind of weird to have our first weekend away visiting another couple.” He was reading your mind.

“I like the idea of a weekend away with you.”

“Hmm, where could I take you off to?”

“Remember when you mentioned a spa weekend a while back? We could drive out to an inn or something and just get pampered.”

“That sounds like an incredible idea. We could do like a long weekend or something.”

“Do you get veteran’s day off? We could try to go that weekend.”

“I could probably make that work. That’s only a couple weeks away, we’d need to start booking everything soon.”

“Want me to get my laptop?”

“Sure.” You get up and grab your laptop from his desk, and sit back down.

“How about a drive up to New Hampshire? The foliage is beautiful this time of year.”

“That would be great actually, I could take some cool pictures of the leaves.” You smile at him. “Oh, Harry, look at this place! We could get a couple’s massage for a pretty fair price, and the rooms look so pretty.”

“Works for me. What’s the number, I’ll call.”

“Wait, I want to make sure I pay for half.”

“Not gonna happen.”

“Harry, you can’t keep paying for stuff. I feel like you’re spending all your money on me. A dinner here and there is fine, but I can’t let you pay for a hotel and spa all by yourself.” He sighs.

“So how do you suggest we do this then?”

“Well, if we go for two nights, we can each pay for one night at the hotel. I’m happy to just write you a check if you want to put it on your credit card, or we could put it on mine. Then for the massage we can just split that too.”

“Fine, but I’m not happy about it.” He pouts and you stick your tongue out at him. “What’s the number, I can make the reservations.” You show him the screen, and he makes all the calls.

“I’m so excited!” You say getting up and hugging him. “Something fun to look forward to.”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #371

“some of those that work forces are the same that burn crosses”

What is one song you feel as though you sing particularly well, if any? Probably none, lol. What was the last lengthy task you completed? I love these unique questions I've had lately, but damn, are a lot of my answers "I don't know," lol. What type of photography do you enjoy looking at? Do you take any photos yourself, and if so, what types of things do you prefer to photograph? I love floral and wildlife photography. Landscapes, too, and I have a great fondness for boudoir for reasons I've mentioned in previous surveys. I like taking nature pictures, mainly. Have you ever gone out for the Black Friday shopping rush? Did you enjoy it, or not so much? Or, what’s the busiest shopping day you’ve ever experienced? Hell no, that's a hard pass. I'm sure the busiest shopping experience I've had was like at the mall or something around Christmas, idk. Do you enjoy reading diaries or stories you wrote from when you were younger, or does it embarrass you? If you’ve kept them, was there a particular reason for hanging on to them so long? NO. I DON'T. BECAUSE I CRINGE INTO ANOTHER DIMENSION. I keep a lot of it for memory's sake, but goddamn, is it always embarrassing. What would you say was your first true hobby? What about your most recently developed one? Um... the first thing I really remember is video games. I played Spyro like, a LOT, along with other childhood games. I was just really into gaming at a young age. Is there one thing that throws off your mood more than others, whether it be lack of sleep, lack of food, heat/cold, etc., and when was the last time you felt especially cranky? THE HEAT. I become so irritable. I was needlessly cranky a few days ago for whatever reason. What kinds of things are you likely to complain about? My legs hurting, more than anything. Also being hot. Do you like to put any extra effort into your food in terms of presentation, or do you prefer to just put it on a plate and eat it as it is, no frills? Ha, no. It's not gonna look fancy in my stomach, so whatever. Have you ever dated someone who had kids? No, and I very much doubt I ever would. Are there any candles in the room with you? No. Does the last person you kissed have tattoos? No, but I tell her all the time that dainty nature tattoos would be THE most beautiful on her. When was the last time someone called you pretty? I think when I last updated my Facebook profile picture. Do you like the color pink? It's my favorite! Does your cell phone have a case on it? What color? It came with this thin purple one. What was the last song you had on repeat? "Moon Baby" by Godsmack. Ever kissed someone your parents hated? No. Your most recent ex says he/she hates you, you say? I wouldn't *say* anything, I'd break down sobbing. Would you feel hurt if your last ex was in a relationship? No. Have you ever had to choose between two people? Yes: Jason and Juan. Juan and I dated for less than a day not all that long before Jason and I got together, and Juan was pretty upset. He was nooot a fan of Jason due to a shared ex-girlfriend. Jason, meanwhile, just didn't care. What is the saddest thing that has happened to you? What about the happiest? I think the saddest thing has to be my breakup, especially when you know just how madly in love I was with him and had endless trust that he would never leave, and then he was gone in a flash one night. The happiest is, in turn, my recovery from said split. I found strength in myself and felt hope for once as I learned coping mechanics and got a psychiatrist that was worth a shit in my partial hospitalization program. What was the last new drink you discovered that was delicious? *shrug* Do you have a YouTube channel? Yes. I don't make videos anymore, though. Were you happy as a teenager? God no, my depression was awful. What do you do for your mom on Mother’s Day? Sigh. Not enough. I just tell her happy Mother's Day, give her a hug, and try to be an extra good daughter. Do you know anyone who follows a raw vegan diet and lifestyle? No. Can you go see a doctor alone or do you like to take someone with you? I can do it alone (but only have once), but I like to bring my mom with me still. Would you have sex with someone of the same gender as you? I'm bi, so. Have you ever had a concussion? One or two, I can't remember. How many dresses do you own? Zero. Do you know anyone who has a pet gecko? Yeah, my friend Summer has a darling leopard gecko. I want oneeeeee. They look so damn derpy and adorable, and their chill demeanor is something I really like in pets. Would you ever go bear hunting? No. Absolutely never. Do you prefer drawing or painting? Any particular reason why? Drawing, for sure. At least you can erase stuff, and paint is just so messy. Do you like raisins? NO THANKS MAN. Do you remember your locker combinations from high school? Nope. Do you forget to flip the page of your calendar at the start of each month? I don't have a calendar. Are you racist to any race? Nope. Have you ever intentionally hurt an animal? I've given cats and dogs a small pop on the rear, but nothing more than that. I hate doing even that, but with the language barrier and all, sometimes it's the only way to get your point across. Do you own any autographed memorabilia? No. Have you ever dated a twin? No. Oreos or Chips Ahoy? Oreos. Have you ever considered being a cop? Yeah, no thank you. What’s your favorite superhero movie? Maybe Logan. I thought it was very emotional and just overall a good movie. Name somebody you know who deserves a better life than they have: MY MOM. Name something that you’re good at but don’t like: uhhhhhhhh Name something that you’re bad at but DO like: Dancing, maybe. Which is worse: Stale chips or flat soda? Stale chips, for sure. It's certainly not my preference, but I can drink flat soda. Who’s the hottest guy and hottest girl out there? M-Mark Fischbach. :') Girl... let's seeeeee... maybe Alissa White-Gluz from Arch Enemy. GodDAMN what a WOMAN. ❤_❤ Do you ever trip over your pets? Yes, because he just looooves to follow me at my feet. What’s your relationship like with your exes? Aaron, Juan, Jason, and Tyler: nonexistent. Sara and Girt: great. What was the last thing you turned down doing? Going to my nephew's t-ball game. I always feel bad when I say no when Mom asks if I wanna go... but at least the kids know I just don't handle the heat well. Are you a party animal? Faaaaar from it, my friend. Who are you the biggest fan of? m-m-m-mMARKIPLIER You’re DJ for the night - first track to get everyone going? Uhhhh maybe "Party Hard" by Andrew W.K.? Have you ever been hit on by a pushy person? I think Juan was kinda pushy, but not to an uncomfortable degree. He respected what I felt. What accent do you find attractive? Most attractive, British. But I also really like Scottish and Irish. Also French accents in women I tend to find very beautiful-sounding. Have you ever had feelings for a friend's partner? Yes. What’s your favorite thing to do that doesn’t cost much? Drive around take pictures, maybe? Let's, uh, ignore the whole gas crisis in this answer. When in danger are you more fight or flight? Flight. Do you feel self conscious about a certain body part? *gestures to entire body* Have you been accused of being manipulative? Yes. Have you ever considered violence to solve your problem? No. Are you romantic? I personally think so. If you are a smoker, how long does a pack typically last you? If you aren’t a smoker, does anybody you are close to smoke, & if so, are you against the fact that they’re a smoker? I don't smoke. To answer the next part, yes, like my dad and stepmom. I wish they would stop so badly, like it's literally going to kill them both. Do you have more subscribers or more people that you are subscribed to? On YouTube? I'm definitely subscribed to waaay more people. Is there anything that has been drilled into your brain since you were young & you finally decided to stop listening to? How did it feel once you decided to listen to yourself over what you were told? Yes: "finish your plate." Teaching your kid to eat beyond their comfort can be very destructive, and I'm glad I never stuck to that once Mom stopped enforcing it. If you are currently in a relationship, what is one thing that seems to be unique or different about your relationship with this person, compared to other relationships in general? If you are currently single, is this more of a choice or is it more just the way things are going, not really something you chose? If you are neither “single” or officially in a relationship, what are your feelings on your current situation? I'm single, and it's just how it is. I know realistically I wouldn't tell what felt like the right person no, but it really is probably better that I stay single and keep figuring my shit out. Think of somebody famous that you have a lot of respect for. What is something that you really admire them for? To name just one thing I admire in Mark, his relentless "I'm going to do this no matter what" attitude is very inspirational to me. He lets like... n-o-t-h-i-n-g get in his way. If somebody were to leave a harsh comment on a survey you took, judging you on one of your opinions, how would you react? I'd get pretty self-conscious, just because I in general take judgment quite poorly. I obsess over "what if they're right, and you're just an idiot?". Are there any other sites you use to find surveys to take? What sites do you use? I mainly use Tumblr and LiveJournal, but in times of great desperation, I'll use Bzoink and just google surveys as well, haha. Have you sent or received any friend requests on Facebook lately? Not sent, but I got one from someone I had no mutual friends with the other day. Safe to say I declined it. Can you recall the last time you turned down an offer, of any kind? Uhhhhh no. Which fruit would you say you eat the most often? Apples. What was your pet’s last vet visit concerning? Roman has been to the vet once to get neutered (and I think shots?). I took Venus many years ago because I thought she had a respiratory infection. Thank god, she didn't. Which animals do you tend to go check out first at pet stores? The reptiles, snakes in particular. Have you ever been a victim of a house fire? No. What’s the longest you’ve ever had to wait before being seated at a restaurant? Like, over an hour. Have you ever had a cavity before? How about a root canal? A tooth pulled? Braces? Cavities and braces, yes. What is your favorite zoo animal that you would like to set free? Probably polar bears. Like especially here, it gets so hot in the summer, and the poor things sometimes only have a bit of snow in the shade. Like... they can't be very happy. Especially when you see those videos of them playing in snow, and then you think about situations like our zoo here... ugh. What kinds of artifacts fascinate you? I really think old figurines built with like clay and stuff are cool. But all artifacts I find to be very intriguing. It's so interesting to see that the desire to create has always been with us as a species. Is there anyone that you’ve visited in jail? No.

[thisiswhatwereupagainst]

TL;DR Went into Captain Britain and Excalibur just to read Meggan, expected to hate Brian, found out they both were bad to each other and are both very injured, traumatized characters grappling with gender norms in their own way, and I have a lot of sympathy and love for them BOTH now even if they definitely are not a good couple at this point. So, I am keenly interested in Meggan Puceanu as a character and a concept. Just learning some very basic things about her prompted THIS META POST three years ago. And that was before I really plunked down and decided to read all her stuff in order. And while I have yet to read ALL of it by a longshot. But I’ve gotten through about 20 issues now, from her first appearances in “The Mighty World of Marvel” in 1984, to meeting and joining up with Brian Braddock/Captain Britain in the second series of Captain Britain in 1985, to the first five issues of Excalibur in 1985. So yeah, keep in mind reading this, I am only up to Excalibur #5. And I know I probably should wait before writing all this stuff, read more, see if my interpretations hold true. But I have so many thoughts and I just can’t wait that long! So please read on with the understanding I may be proven completely wrong in these perceptions later. That said.... I had some basic knowledge of Brian and Meggan’s dynamic. I knew that she was completely emotionally dependent on him, that her every emotion hinged on his approval and attention, that a lot of her very identity was based around pleasing him as his girlfriend. I also knew he’d been a real dick to her, and that his descent into alcoholism had made him an even bigger dick. So, I was really prepared to dislike him. And while I do still dislike the power imbalance that their relationship was founded on, I ended up having very different feelings about Brian himself than I expected---I thought I was going to encounter a shitty macho man himbo asshole who treated Meggan like shit just because. Seriously, look at THIS and THIS and THIS! What a JERK! I was all prepped to despise this guy and yell about toxic masculinity and how Meggan deserved better. Instead, what I found was someone who was as broken and in pain as Meggan herself, but who got far less sympathy for it than she did, both from other characters and from fans. The first big shock that I got was that Brian had been raped twice by female villains in the second Captain Britain series, before Excalibur began. I had actually read about this a couple years ago on TV Tropes, but seeing it was something else. I wrote a longer post about it HERE As noted in the post, Brian never told anyone about either of these incidences as far as I know, nor getting any kind of therapy or treatment. He also started drinking after this happened. And as of Excalibur beginning, Betsy is dead (or so he believes) and he’s grappling a lot with that too. I think it was unethical of him not to rebuff Meggan when she first came on to him, for reasons I’ll discuss later in this post, but also makes sense for his character, not because he’s an unethical person but because he’s actually very passive and seems to just accept whatever is demanded by him of others; he talks about this with Courtney, how he has no choice in being Captain Britain, how it was imposed on him, asking if he’s a coward for just wanting a little of his own life and she unsympathetically says it’s “obscene” how he “can’t be bothered” to “take charge” of his own life (Excalibur #3). It’s a very unusual flaw for a male character. In his own way, he’s at the mercy of what others demand him to be as much as Meggan is with her powers, and I find that really interesting. I already knew that Meggan is very much a reflection of the demands placed on women by society, literally twisting her own emotions and physical forms to coincide with what is considered beautiful and what others desire, whereas Brian, it turns out, is himself a reflection of the demands placed on men---he has to be a warrior, whether he likes it or not (and he doesn’t, it’s part of his backstory that he doesn’t see himself that way at all), he has to be the hero and take care of the girl and he feels he has to just go with it when Meggan decides he’s her man and she needs him. And Meggan is more flawed than I expected. She’s oftentimes shockingly selfish in her obsession with Brian. For instance, when his ex Courtney is kidnapped by the sadistic murderous Arcade, Brian is understandably upset, and this troubles Meggan because she thinks that his being upset means he still cares for Courtney. The selfishness there is staggering; a woman’s life is in danger and Meggan’s first concern is her own love life, and she assumes that the only reason Brian could care about said woman’s life being in danger is if he’s in love with her. Or when Brian’s drinking is first brought up by the rest of the team, Meggan says it hurts her that he turns to those bottles instead of to her (Excalibur #3). So, her problem isn’t that Brian is obviously becoming addicted to alcohol, it’s that SHE isn’t the one that he turns to. She’s got a lot of moments like this. That said, I LIKE this about Meggan. It makes me like her MORE. It makes her WAY more realistic and flawed and human than the archetypical frail damsel who is just an accessory to her man that I was expecting. She’s clingy, she’s possessive, she’s downright nasty and hostile over him a lot! She may not think of herself as a real person, but the writers treat her as one, complete with flaws. Her dependency isn’t treated as a good or romantic thing either, it’s not held up as a female virtue like I was expecting; Brian is actually bothered by it, he confides in Kurt that he doesn’t think he can handle how she relies on him for everything, how he actually PREFERS Courtney because unlike Meggan, Courtney is her own woman-- “She doesn’t seem to NEED me as completely and desperately as Meggan seems to. Sometimes I feel I’m the total and absolute focus of Meggan’s life. It’s a responsibility I don’t think I’m capable of handling.” And Brian is right, this ISN’T a good thing to do in a relationship, Meggan is putting a lot of unfair emotional weight on his shoulders, and he’s already got a lot to bear from his own trauma and loss. In fact, one could even argue that her behavior would be seen as toxic if the genders were reversed. She’s still very sympathetic, of course, because this is coming from a place of real insecurity and need and probably her powers too, but it’s more three-dimensional and complicated than what I originally expected. But I like that. Because again, it’s more realistic, both in terms of Meggan’s behavior and in Brian’s reaction to it---he doesn’t WANT a woman being totally dependent on him and thinking the sun shines out his ass and needing him for everything, he wants another human being. That’s not what I expected a Bad Macho Man Stereotype to be saying! But in fact, Brian says another thing he prefers about Courtney is “she’s her own woman” and  “I can talk to her, Kurt.” (Excalibur #5) Brian is a man who wants to be able to have someone he can be VULNERABLE with, to talk with as an equal about his fears and anxieties---which he does with Courtney, as mentioned---and he can’t do that with Meggan because of the pedestal she puts him on and her needing so much care herself. He says as much himself to Kurt. He also recognizes that he himself probably isn’t equipped to deal with Meggan’s issues, she needs much more help than he can give. This isn’t an idealized thing at all, this is a realistic depiction of two very emotionally injured people in a very messed up dynamic that is bad for BOTH of them, hurting them BOTH. Up til actually reading it, I was expecting it to be one-sided, with Meggan being the only one suffering, but it’s not! And Meggan being like this, of being obsessed with Captain Britain and behaving in a very “cliche” way over him, makes a TON of sense for her, she’s not just obsessed with him for no reason like a typical “just the hero’s girlfriend” character. Meggan grew up being kept secret in her family’s camper-trailer for her then-monstrous appearance, til during the Jasper’s Warp when reality shifted into a world that was putting superhumans, including herself, into concentration camps. While she was in the camps, Captain Britain was a legend as a liberator and freedom fighter who was fighting back against the regime for the sake of people like her. And when reality returned to normal, Meggan was one of the few people who remembered that it had ever changed; she remembered the camps, and she remembered Captain Britain. Even though she’d never even seen him at that point, she clung to him as her one hope. Then the real Captain Britain found her when she was homeless and living in an abandoned warehouse, and he lets her live with him in his mansion because she has nowhere else, which is probably more kindness than she’s ever been shown in her life, and from someone she idolized. Which, as I said way earlier in this essay, does make their relationship an inherently unethical one because of their power imbalance, as he’s got a lot of power over her in terms of being the one providing her with a home, food, clothing, etc., not to mention her emotional dependency that’s obvious well before she makes a move on him. So we’re already starting on really problematic territory. But it makes SENSE for her. Add to that Meggan was raised on television in a VERY literal sense. Again, she was locked up in her camper trailer all day every day her whole life, and so she spent most of her time just watching TV. It’s shown that this has given her SOME UNREALISTIC IDEAS ABOUT HOW TO BEHAVE so I think that absorbing the media’s depictions of how women are “supposed” to behave towards their men is actually pretty realistic. She’s not doing this because the writers think this is just how women are----NONE of the other female characters act at all like she does!---but because SHE thinks it’s what’s normal and expected, and she’s probably very much imprinted on the media’s fantasy fairytale depiction of relationships. Given how she grew up as an ugly monster and seeing herself as such, I can very much see her as latching on the idea of “beautiful sweet woman who is valued for her beauty and being with the lead man and has no identity apart from that” that’s prevalent in media, which she would take for a reflection of reality, a reality that she thought her whole life would be denied to her. So all her behavior has a good in-character reason; she could even be read as a criticism of trying to enact gendered media stereotypes in real life and how they can’t actually work in the complexity of the real world, and how damaging they are to those who absorb them. What’s also funny is that despite appearing to be the standard “strong man, pretty woman” couple, especially with Brian becoming emotionally distant and cruelly pushing her away whilst she’s very emotional and obsessed with pleasing him, is they actually subvert this paradigm as much as they play it straight. The Juggernaut WIPES THE FLOOR with Brian at one point, and then Meggan shows up, shapeshifts into a GIANT MUSCULAR VERSION OF HERSELF, and comes to his rescue with Rachel and Kitty! That’s right, a buff lady and two other ladies save the dude in distress! And then afterwards, she acts like SHE was the one in danger, resuming her default petite form and jumping into his big manly arms while he asks if she’s alright and she says “Always in your arms!” ---it’s hilarious! (Excalibur #3) And of course, speaking of subverting gender stereotypes, there’s Brian’s desire to have a partner he can be vulnerable with, which is really astounding to me----he’s very much grappling with the expectations of toxic masculinity in a way that’s harming him as much as Meggan. Not just in relation to Meggan, but also, as mentioned before, in relation to not having control of his own life as Captain Britain, and being responsible for others. In particular, he’s messed up over Betsy’s (seeming) death, and over not having protected her, as a man would be expected to protect his sister. In the panel right before the “changeling cow!” scene I linked earlier, THIS IS WHAT HE SAYS. He doesn’t see himself as any good if he doesn’t meet impossible standards. And while Meggan reacts to pain by getting teary, Brian consistently reacts to his pain (or trying to hide it) by getting ANGRY, which is consistent with how women vs men are socialized. Which is not to say it’s anything but VISCERALLY HORRIBLE when he lashes out at Meggan, especially given how dependent she is on him, and she absolutely SHOULD have dumped his ass then, but it’s also a lot more three-dimensional than the emotionally abusive drunken bad boyfriend stereotype I was expecting.  I know I’m a broken record on this, but I am just so shocked at how sympathetic I ended up being to a guy I was so prepared to hate and was so cruel to a character (Meggan) that I was already very sympathetic to and invested in. Instead, I’m invested in them BOTH now and want to see them BOTH heal from this, and from each other. So, basically, I was really ready to be mad about Meggan’s lack of agency and her dependence on Brian. And these are things that happen. But the writers are clearly AWARE of it, and treat them as issues to be addressed and overcome. Meggan and Brian come off not as the cliche male and female stereotypes they first appeared, and that I expected, but very critical examinations and sometimes subversions of them, and both are shown as being hurt by the expectations of their gender, and being hurt by each other as they enact those expectations. It’s not totally perfect, not by a long shot, but it’s very interesting and a lot more nuanced than I expected some straight white guys in the 80s to be writing, it’s definitely a far cry from the typical idealized relationship between a hero and a leading lady, and I’m pretty impressed with it. And I’m looking forward to reading more.

[smallblueandloud]

hi essbie!! you seem super awesome❤️❤️ if you would like to talk to me about the west wing i would love that! i’m watching for the first time now and i’m in LOVE with it- tell me all your thoughts! otps, favorite episodes, arcs, characters... anything!

oh my god, this is my FAVORITE ASK THAT I HAVE EVER RECEIVED EVER. i’m so happy to talk about the west wing because the fandom that’s still alive today seems to be TINY (although high-spirited!!). thank you for asking!! i will endeavor to talk a lot.... which isn’t hard for me, lol.

(psst, before we begin, can i recommend you check out @donnajosh, who posts gorgeous new gifsets of tww pretty regularly [and also has gifs tagged by episode so you can find the right post to reblog when you’re liveblogging, shh], @etraytin, who’s written some AMAZING multichaps that have gotten me through this very stressful week, and @cassiesinsanity, who’s just plain genuinely amazing?? okay. now that that’s out of the way.)

i tried to figure out from your blog where you are in the show, but i can’t find anything more detailed than “probably has finished in the shadow of two gunmen”, so i’m just gonna keep things anti-spoilers. there are some really, really cool plot developments in tww, and i don’t recommend you spoil yourself for things on purpose! but also like. i DEFINITELY spoil things for myself all the time. so what the hell, don’t listen to me lol.

(i tried to put this under a cut, but tumblr glitched. sorry, peeps who don’t care about the west wing. also, WATCH THE WEST WING.)

my ALL TIME, dearest headcanon is adhd josh. i just. i love my boy so much. i love my impulsive, ridiculously-sensitive-to-perceived-rejection, loud, hyperfixated boy so much. i don’t know everything about adhd, but from what i know josh is TEXTBOOK. or at least he’s a lot like me! and i’m reasonably sure i have adhd. so. i’m REALLY, REALLY into that headcanon and everything about it. (i actually wrote a fic in which i wrote him the way i see his adhd presenting, because i love him so much. hmm, i should write a fic about josh being adhd. what kind of stims would josh like??)

i love and adore josh/donna, like many many other people. i like zoey/charlie, just because i think they make each other happy and both of them deserve that. i... like cj/danny? sorta? i think they’re adorable, and they have some REALLY good moments (no spoilers but. oh my god. danny really out here chugging his respect women juice and i love him for it). but also i am EXTREMELY ATTACHED to cj/toby and more specifically cj/toby/andy.

HEAR ME OUT. cj has EXTREME wlw energy and cj and toby have A LOT of married energy but then toby and andy... love each other so much, it’s so clear, in literally everything they do, i don’t know if you’ve gotten to the end of s5 yet but i cry. so like?? obviously, because i am who i am, polyamory is the answer! basically the rundown is: andy and toby are a typical couple except that they fight a lot. cj is kinda in the middle. if gay marriage had been legal / socially acceptable in the 80s (because god knows this ot3 has been thinking about optics since they graduated college), cj and andy would’ve gotten married and toby would’ve come and gone depending on who he’d pissed off recently, and everything would’ve been perfect. instead, andy and toby got married and it didn’t work because they really just couldn’t function as a unit, especially since their getting married meant that cj isolated herself a bit more. definitely cj and toby have a couple of SCREAMING arguments about the whole relationship. idk.

but just like. imagine with me, if you will, cj and toby... not dating, while working in the white house, but being exes. friendly exes. friendly exes who are still in love with each other and know it. please imagine that and then think about “i love you desperately / i know” and “you wanna make out with me right now, don’t you? / well, when don’t i?” and “we had it good there for a while / yeah, we did” and then join me in the pit of sadness.

(sidenote i have a sense8 au for the west wing and the second story is just me being emotional about their cluster for 5k. i have another story vaguely planned that i’ll probably never write about the development of the ot3 and about their cluster and how it functions. but don’t read that story until you finish... the first half of s7? or thereabouts? actually probably you should finish the show before you read the sense8 au in general if you’re avoiding spoilers.)

(when i say “i’ll probably never write”, i mean “until the next time i get obsessed with the west wing”. which will probably be years from now. oh, well, we can all hope the muse actually does something efficient for once.)

so yeah. those are my ships. i know a lot of people shipped josh/sam, but i don’t really see it? sam always seemed Way Too Straight for that to work lol, although i DO like the idea of sam pining tragically for josh for years just like donna does. (can you tell i read such a winter’s day a few days ago? it’s amazing. i haven’t left a review yet because i have not been a human being recently, but go read it!! it’s awesome!!)

also, i love the idea of bartlet/abbey/leo, although i can’t really visualize it lol. but there’s some amazing fic for them out there. maybe one day my stupid brain will realize the angst potential and actually let me write something for them, hopefully within the sense8 au. (sam also has a cluster! and i would love to write about them! .....but my brain doesn’t do what i tell it to. ever.)

my favorite arc.... i don’t know. i really loved the early seasons, which were a little more episodic, but ALSO i actually really liked the tone after aaron sorkin left after s4? it takes some getting used to, but it’s WAY more emotional, and i am ALL HERE FOR THAT. i definitely have a least favoite arc, or at least a least-favorite way-that-they-handled-a-storyline (spoiler alert: i hated how they handled the end of bartlet’s presidency in the white house. like. SHE’S ALL ALONE IN THERE- anyways. trying not to give detailed spoilers!)

favorite episodes: hmm. i love the thanksgiving episodes. i loved any episode with the ainsley-and-sam dynamic. noel is a phenomenal episode. 26 could make anyone weep. the flashbacks are the best. the fucking- the fucking what’s next motif.

honestly, probably i’d have to say my favorite episode is either 4x20 (evidence of things not seen, for “stupidly noble cluster” reasons and cj/toby reasons and bartlet & charlie reasons. also i feel like there’s some good josh/donna there too but i can’t remember exactly?) or 7x21 (institutional memory, because i’m pretty sure the writers reached into my id and pulled out EXACTLY what i needed from them to be okay with the show ending. jesus CHRIST i have never felt so satisfied after an episode. literally everything i ever could have wanted happened in that episode. i’m STILL reeling. it’s a perfect episode.)

my favorite characters are... literally everyone? i know that’s cheating but i love them all SO MUCH (except mandy and amy, of course). josh is my favorite, always and forever, but i love cj more than words and sometimes i can’t breathe for love of toby. leo and bartlet and charlie and sam and donna- here i was thinking i was gonna resent will forever but i LOVE will. ainsley is an amazing woman. abbey is such a good character, god, talk about a flawed woman who’s allowed to be a good person.

AND THEN THEY MADE ME ROOT FOR A REPUBLICAN. again, i doubt you’ve gotten to s7, but the republican nominee in the last election... jesus christ. i love that man so much. arguably, i’m very biased, but also how D A R E they expect me to root against him. how DARE.

(i swear this will make more sense once you meet him. i just love the actor a lot, okay?)

anyways. this got ridiculously long. i would LOVE to talk about the west wing with you, feel free to reblog this with your own thoughts or tag me in your own post or message me or something. i would love to hear your reactions!! it’s such a good show, and such a smart show, and every character is so mcfreaking good at what they do and i adore it. enjoy the ride because there’s nothing as perfect and as quality as the west wing. if you’ll please excuse me, i’m going to go cry about 7x21 again.

[lemon-writings]

Hamish Update: Hamish Pt. II

Genre: Adult literary fiction // Status: Rewriting // Progress: 53,548 words

Pt. I

I’m back with chapters IV-VI! Hoo boy, is it an event.

Chapter IV

Epitaph: “The things that go unsaid are often the things that eat at you--whether because you didn't get to have your say, or because the other person never got to hear you and really wanted to.”-Celeste Ng, Everything I Never Told You

This is the chapter where we meet Ofelia! She is one of my favorite characters to write for. She is beautiful and wonderful and a goddess and I adore her. (I’m reading myself for filth through the character of Ofelia because she is literally both my type and the woman I’ve always wanted to be.) Ofelia is the Queen of Roasts.

There are also some confrontations between Hamish and his mother, which I live for.

Excerpts: 

First of all, I love Ofelia. Ofelia Bello, if you are free this Thursday, I’m free to hang out any time. Again, Ofelia Bello, if you are on Thursday, I’m free to hang out. Please.

She’s a goddess. Literal goddess.

She looked at me, eyes large and all-seeing, more like fire opals set into the bronze of her face than eyes. I felt as though she were seeing into the very essence of my being, judging me like a god. Ofelia was one of those people who would never be referred to as mortal. She was Prithvi; she was Freyja; she was Persephone. She was anything but mortal, made of fire, flowers, and knowledge.

And a savage. She’s That Bitch every moment of every day, even when she has her “perfect daughter and sister” persona on. And when she doesn’t? Well...

“You could fight back,” she said. “You could make yourself known, reveal who and what you are. Scream, I’m a person, not a thing.” Ofelia fixes the wisps of hair arranged around her face into a perfect frame. 

“I’m not a fighter,” I said.

“No,” Ofelia said, watching me carefully. “You’re a runner.” She uncrossed her legs and stretched them out. “He doesn’t like fighters. That’s me. That’s my brother. He loves runners. If you can confront your issues, you won’t stay for long.”

Hamish confronting his mother when she dismisses his childhood trauma is honestly *chef’s kiss*. Writing my characters being savages is one of my favorite things to do, right after dramatic, floral descriptions of women. 

(TW: referenced child abuse!)

“Ungrateful for what? My nightmares? My feelings of abandonment? My hatred of authority? Thank you so much for everything you’ve done for me, mother. Without yours and father’s amazing parenting, I would’ve grown up to be a well-adjusted adult.”

And the trademark Soft Moment of the chapter. 

(TW: death mention!)

“Don’t die,” you whispered, hot and damp against my face. “Please don’t die.”

“I won’t,” I promised you, so open and honest it felt like I’d cracked open my ribs to expose my child’s-heart to you like a blossoming flower. 

The tension between all the characters has increased so much in this chapter and tbh the anticipation is killing me, and I know what happens in this book.

Chapter V

Epitaph: “At parties I point to my body and say This is where love comes to die. Welcome, come in, make yourself at home. Everyone laughs, they think I’m joking.”--Warsan Shire, “The House”

This chapter begins with Hamish and Horacio in an interview about their “relationship”. There’s something lovely about the way that Horacio and Hamish talk about each other, even if it is built on half-truths. Then we’re introduced to Leon, Ofelia’s brother, and oh boy. Oh boy. Is that a wild ride.

This is also the chapter where Hamish begins planning how he’s going to get Claude to confess to the murder, via a PowerPoint presentation. Yes. Yes, good.

Excerpts:

The first is when Horacio is asked when he knew he was in love with Hamish. It’s just... soft. As a former theatre kid, this really is the dream.

“No,” I said, tearing my eyes from you. “We were in Theatre 101 together, and he was reading Doctor Faustus and playing all the parts. He was jumping around and doing different voices, being really dramatic and having the time of his life. It was the first time I’d seen him act young instead of like a wistful old man.”

I didn’t tell her that you’d been wearing a black hoodie with the moon phases printed on it, the strings following you as you leaped from place to place, sticking your tongue out when you fumbled a line, your tongue stud glittering in the lights. It felt too intimate to share with the world. When I saw you in the lights, being a goofy young man for even just a moment, in your purest state of adorable in your glee, my heart expanded well past the confines of my too-tight ribcage.

Here’s Horacio’s mention of his past ex-boyfriends, because he can hardly believe that he is in a semi-functional relationship with anyone, even if it’s fake.

(TW: sex and abuse!)

It was simple symbiosis: I was a parasite, and they were the hosts, defending themselves against me with violence. I don’t think any of them ever loved me, just loved using me while I would use them, trying to nibble on their scraps of affection between beatings and the rough sex.

Leon is... a lot. He’s sort of obsessed with masculinity, like someone who watched Fight Club without really realizing it’s meant to be satire and wants to punch whoever talks shit about him.

Leon was one of those guys who either believed he was better than you or you weren’t worth his time. Sometimes, in his more complex moments, he would believe both at once; at his most simplistic, he would believe neither. 

The further I go in this work, the more difficult it gets to pick excerpts!

Chapter VI

Epitaph: “Even still, we run. We have not reached our average of 57.92 years without knowing that you run through it, and it hurts and you run through it some more, and if it hurts worse, you run through it even more, and when you finish, you will have broken through. In the end, when you are done, and stretching, and your heartbeat slows, and your sweat dries, if you've run through the hard part, you will remember no pain.”--Lauren Groff, The Monsters of Templeton

Hamish gives the presentation. It goes about as well as you can assume. Now that Genoveva and Claude know he’s onto them... it’s game time. There is so much plot that happens in this chapter that I can’t really mention much of it, other than this being the point where the work goes from a slow-building horror to more of a thriller. It’s a major turning point and climax. Whoo!

Also, Ofelia and Horacio bond, which is awesome! I love the dynamic between them. They have the sort of friendship where you can tell that they really enjoy each other and their company.

Excerpts:

Most of these are from the portion where Ofelia and Horacio are talking in the woods because 1.) it’s the least-spoilery part of this chapter and 2.) their friendship is one of the most light-hearted parts of this work. Please, allow me to indulge.

Ofelia isn’t necessarily a “bean”, but she’s still babey. I adore her.

Ofelia gave me a mysterious look, full of night sky and brilliance, then added a crescent of a smile. She began climbing, one foot and then the other, effortlessly lifting herself up the branches as if she was built to do nothing but ascend trees, her tights protecting her modesty from me as I struggled up after her, unused to the climb. 

And then Ofelia describes a dream of mine every wlw: going a group of young women and becoming the modern Sappho. 

“I think I’ll buy a house somewhere by the ocean. Live with a group of girls who love books and pictures. Become my own Sappho, create my own Lesbos.” 

Then there’s this astute observation from Horacio about how Hamish views himself. Hamish doesn’t have a very good self-image. At all. Then again, neither does Horacio. 

You’d make yourself into an object sometimes, a cyclone of emotions and pain, held together by frozen flesh and string. 

So that just about wraps up these chapters. IV-VI really is the most intense part of this work, and writing it is is just as intense as the chapters themselves. 

Songs:

The music is mostly what I’ve been listening to while editing this post, since I already wrote these chapters, but they’re still jams

Your Love (Deja Vu) - Glass Animals

In the Heat of the Moment - Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds

Blood In the Cut - Seattle Sessions - K.Flay

Peach Scone - Hobo Johnson

That’s all for now! Part III will contain the falling action/the part where it gets Real.

Tell me if you’d like to be added to the tag list! :)

[eyesaremosaics]

Ugh having a mild panic attack. I feel super emotional, confused, sad, frightened, empty, weakness in my limbs, numbness around my face and in my fingertips. Shallow breathing. I feel like I’m going to burst into tears any second. My heart just hurts and hurts.

Came to be with my sister, because I’m so vulnerable right now. Just trying to breathe through it. It’s going to hurt for a while, I have to get used to it, have to settle into the loneliness and become accustomed to it as a constant companion. My abandonment issues are all lit up. Feeling like no one will ever be able to love me for the rest of my life. That maybe I’m not equipped to be in a successful relationship. Most of my experiences were so bad. My best friend has had no luck either, I always saw her experiences as pretty bad, but she told me a while back: “you’ve had it worse.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah. Definitely.”

—-

It’s all a blur to me now, I try to hold on to what I learned from each person, searching for the gift in this big ball of pain. I do find those gifts. My first love, showed me that I am worry of simply being around others. I always felt like such an outcast, having been bullied as mercilessly as I was. He pushed through dozens of girls standing around him, and came to say hello to me. It made me feel special. I remember that day. The rest of the relationship was long, complicated and painful, after that initial phase, I had to compete with other women all the time for his affection. The seed of not being special was planted then. He never officially became my boyfriend, and I always felt like I was never good enough because of that. It totally crushed my self esteem, and set me up for romantic failure in the future.

I had boyfriends in between, who were simply there. My first real one was a cheater, I punched him in the face the first time he did it, and have been violent towards men ever since.

The next person of significance was someone I grew up with, who had pined for me and loved me from afar for six years. When I was finally in a place to receive his love and love him back, of course he didn’t want me then. He put me on a pedestal as this perfect woman. Writing poetry for me... stalking me on the internet. He was terrified of me, he couldn’t accept my love, and he was hurt because I rejected him in our youth. I did this because I was being sexually abused by an older boy at the time, and I was so traumatized from the assault that I developed sexual aversion disorder. I found out he harbored desires for me, and I threw up in a trash can. The very thought of sexual interaction with ANYONE made me want to cry and vomit at the same time. Left me shaking all over.

I think of my thirteen year old self, and I just feel so sad for her. My long time step father and my mother were fighting horribly, and on the verge of divorce—so home life was a drag. I was being abused, and had my virginity forcibly taken from me. I began drinking at twelve to cope with the ptsd. My parents avoided the house, so I had to babysit everyday, and being forced into a position of responsibility so young—alienated me from my peers. Not that it mattered really because they all hated me anyway. I never fit in anywhere. I had no friends at school, a few outside of school, but I was considered a social pariah on campus.

I felt suicidal nearly everyday, but I tried to hold my head high and ignore the constant taunts, and humiliations on a daily basis. It was a sad, lonely existence in those days. He loved me through all that, and thought I was strong. I guess I am strong, but I didn’t feel that way inside. I escaped through books, movies, imagination. I wrote short stories, ran multiple websites, learned html, had pen pals. My only friends were in the computer. People told me how ugly I was every day. That my nose was crooked, that I had overlarge front teeth. They called me underfed vulture, satan (because I wore all black), Bucky beaver. One day they poured pickle juice on my head and told me I was the ugliest thing they had ever seen. One boy cut my hair in class.

That was hell. Once high school came around, I was considered “pretty”, and the same boys who threw me in garbage cans, asked for my number. The fucking nerve, I swear.

Anyway, that stalker boy painted a picture of being the perfect mate for me. Grew his hair out long like mine to “feel closer to (me)”. I was 18, and fell madly in love with him. I soon came to discover however, that something wasn’t right. He had a personality disorder, and three months after we started dating, he crushed me like an insect, with seemingly no remorse. He was convinced I didn’t love him, and took great pleasure in hurting me because I had hurt him in the past (Unconsciously).

It was a long 7 year back and fourth saga with him, and only at the end did I realize he was a narcissist/sociopath. Literally incapable of returning my feelings. I really did love him... I don’t know if I’ll ever feel quite like that again, about anyone, but there was nowhere for that situation to go. He was never going to change, and I deserved better than to be treated like garbage. I went through so much grief, had an identity crisis... realizing I had been tricked and manipulated for years. I felt stupid for falling into the trap because I was blinded by love. It still hurts sometimes, but I forgave him. Not because he deserves it, he was horribly abusive and cruel to me, but because I deserve peace. I had to just accept that that is who he is, and it’s not my fault. Any wrong that I may have done was a result of childhood abuse, and I more than paid my debt back. He pined for me for six years, then I pined for him for 7. That’s 13 years, nearly half my life of being connected to this person. A part of me died with that relationship. The idealistic, romantic, carefree spirit I had, died.

I became an alcoholic and a drug addict to escape the pain of surviving narcissistic abuse. Then I met the man I thought I was going to marry. He swooped in, and it was all fire and passion between us. He told me he loved me, and wanted to build a life with me. He used to think I was the one. However, we were both so damaged by our past relationships that we tore each other to shreds emotionally. It still breaks my heart, we were mismatched. I knew it, so did he, but I loved him anyway. It wasn’t something I could help, I just loved him. He reminded me so much of my father, all the wounds he left in me... were lit up so strongly by this person. He said I was the most special to him, but he had so many options available all the time, and deep in my gut I never felt like he was really mine, or that I could trust him. He was so angry inside, even when he was speaking softly and being nice, I could feel that rage burning inside him. Not towards me... necessarily... though it often manifested that way. I failed so much in that relationship, but I tried my best. I really did. I think he did too.

When he left after three and a half years, I was brutally broken hearted. He seems to think I never really loved him either, and that is so not true. I just wanted to be the most precious thing in his life, but I never felt that I was. I try to make peace with it now. He no longer loves me, not that way, and I just have to accept that and move on. As much as it hurts. I have no other choice.

Then my last boyfriend, who made me feel incredibly special, and shared many similar interests. We had a lot of fun, but there was a lot of problems too. The age gap was a problem, communication styles were very different. We were both damaged people, who unconsciously were damaging each other after a certain point. I really tried my best to get better and be the best person I could be, but I always walked away feeling like a bad person. I always felt like I was constantly hurting him, or being inconsiderate, sometimes people grow apart I guess... it happened with all of them.

I just feel so sad, and tired. Every time I had a crush on a guy, who was good looking, and seemed to have a lot going for them—I would make my feelings to them known, and they would reject me. So I don’t feel comfortable pursuing men as a result. If I think a guy is attractive, my immediate thought is: I’m not pretty enough, he will never like me.”

All my life people told me I was this great beauty. As a child people would always tell my dad: “oooh! What a beautiful little girl!”

To which my dad would reply, with a hint of dread in his voice: “yeah... I’m going to have to keep a bat by the door when she gets older to keep the boys away.”

Ha, yeah no that never happened. Boys are afraid of me, they feel intimidated by me because I am highly intelligent and very outspoken. I have a lot of male energy to me, and that threatens most men I have experienced. Makes them feel like less of a man or something. That explains why many of my exes picked smaller, meek, and more easily controlled women (or seemingly so anyway). It’s kind of lonely, being a strong woman. Feeling like men run from me because I’m “too much” as many of them have said.

The men who do approach me usually are losers or playboys. My dad is a playboy so it makes sense, it’s what is familiar to me. It’s almost like... I don’t think I deserve to be happy or loved, so I attract people that won’t or can’t love me, or people who love me so much but are not a match for me. It’s just fucked. I want to be a whole person, and attract another whole person who has their shit together and inspires me to be the best version of myself. I’m tired of small mindedness, of limiting constraints, limiting beliefs, I want to grow and expand. I want a wider world to live in.

Working for the wealthy family that I do, they have shown me the heights to which one can go in life. The dad came from nothing, and built himself up to where he was because he believed that he could. He believed in himself, and made this beautiful life for him and his family. Of course we all have problems, but they are constructive in dealing with them. Not toxic. Seeing a relationship of mutual live and respect, of comfort and stability. Of abundance... I want that. I have been poor and depressed all my fucking life, doubting myself, struggling with mental illness and trying to die.

I don’t want to die anymore, I am tired of dying. I want to be happy. I don’t want to struggle so hard, scraping for food and for money, I want to generate a beautiful life with love, friendship, creativity, travel, art and giving back to others, to the world. That’s what I want. There has to be a way to achieve it.

I know it starts with me, and these negative beliefs that I have about myself. I’ve been seriously working on my self esteem, on recognizing my value, of taking care of my vessel... I am getting much better, despite my occasional relapse, they are getting farther apart. However, days like this, where I feel so empty and sad... frighten me.

I have been to the darkest places of the human heart. I have got rock bottom and nearly died many times in my life. I have experienced the dark night of the soul, been utterly alone, broken, abandoned, abused—and I’m still here. I survived it somehow, even though I am full of holes, and they still bleed occasionally—I’m still standing.

Romance, seems like a thing I will never be able to have on a reciprocal level, not until I can learn to really love myself. It’s been my life’s work to undo the trauma of my childhood, but sometimes I wonder... will I be alone forever? Will I ever know how it feels to be as madly in love with someone as they are with me. My lifestyle is so unconventional, and I have so many quirks and issues... everyone gives up and leaves. I try my best to be better, and I think I finally am in the healthiest emotional place I’ve ever been, but today I face my fear of crippling loneliness... and it weighs heavily on my heart.

I don’t want to be with anyone for a long time. It hurts too much to be connected to someone. It’s so much stress and pain, and I don’t know if I can go through it or put someone else through it again. Right now I’m feeling pretty hopeless about ever getting married, or having children. I want it so bad, but the conditions have never been right. I also, if I’m being honest with myself... truly don’t believe anyone can love me. I think I’m too much, and too fucked up to be cared about. I don’t think I’m educated enough, pretty enough, or good enough to be loved. That’s my main problem. I just wish I knew how to fix it.

It’s a process, and it doesn’t happen overnight, but how long will it take to feel comfortable in my own skin? I just want to breathe easy and feel confident for once in my life. I want to be valued, seen, heard, and truly known... but I keep hearing that Pink Floyd song in my head..

“Is there anybody....out there?”

[resbang-bookclub]

AMA Transcript: Wild Hunt

Next up is @addude to talk about her Resbang, Wild Hunt! Here’s some of what went down:

Q: Asking how you came up with the plot seems like a good place to start. What was your process?

ADdude: Well, I tried to do something with the theme of out of the woods. I tried to think of something that might be scary and comes out of the woods. So, I thought okay werewolf but then remembered that Free was the last one and that got me sad. So I decide let's do a wedding and a fairy king coming to ruin things and he came out of the forest. That was literally my train of thought. I don't know why, but I always imagine weddings going wrong. I've been to several weddings, none go as planned.

Q: I love the running joke about the pool whether Spirit would interfere with the wedding or not. Plot-wise, it felt like the fun times, the calm before the storm lol, but it also felt so in-character. How did you manage to keep everyone in character?

ADdude: I did love that joke. At one point I worried I was overdoing it, but I figured at that point, go through it. I think in the end Spirit did the right thing, so it worked out. Keeping everyone in character was a little hard. I mean this story took place a number of years after the end of the manga and people have changed in that time. Kid is Lord Death and he and Liz are married and have kids. Black Star and Tsubaki are raising Angela and... Black Star is Black Star, he doesn't change that much. I think the key is to having a good idea of who the character is at their cores and building on that.

Q: I love how you balanced not only a large cast of characters, but your OC’s on top of that. How did you manage juggling everyone and their backstories? Did you ever get frustrated or confused or have to backtrack?

ADdude: I start with the main characters and spin from that. Kami and Nene are getting married so they take a lot of focus. They are going through a lot of course, so yeah. Maka is getting a new stepmom so I touched on that, she knows they love each other so she's okay. Her biggest worry is that she doesn't have the right gift. Everyone else is their reactions, like with Spirit having to accept his Ex is getting married and everyone’s reactions to everything. As for keeping track, I made a short outline to keep track of everything important and I fill in the gaps as I go, then try to touch on the side characters. Though yeah, I had to check back every once in a while to make sure I wasn’t getting something wrong. Since I'm doing the story from last Resbang, I had to reread the past stories to make sure everything was in line.

Q: Was writing this sequel easier than writing your last Resbang?

ADdude: Maybe harder, cause yeah I had to go back and make sure I kept everything in the same canon. At the start of this story is talking to Nene about how she meet Kami. I had an idea of how it went but went back and noticed I changed some things when retelling the story. I honestly forgot that Nene actually punched Kami. Makes more sense in context. They were in the middle of a battlefield and Nene thought she was an enemy.

Q: Speaking of Nene, I just love her lol. She's so cute and strong and loves Kami so much. Where do you draw inspiration for your Soul Eater OC’s? They all have such detailed backstories and each has their own distinct personality.

ADdude: Actually Nene came from another series, she was a minor character in another anime called Is this a zombie. I built a lot on that character, she was very minor so there wasn't much there to start with. But I saw a lot of potential.  And Kami came from a joke I made with Soul Dwelling on tumblr, about how Kami was the opposite of Spirit. He was super protective about Maka and Kami was just waiting for grandkids. Both Kami and Nene are an example of just no one stopping me. I got an idea and it just started growing and eventually I had to fully fledged characters. Like yeah, I got a whole story of how they met in battle and how fell in love. Kami's history got even more crazy cause yeah the idea has been around a lot longer for me.

Q: Where did you get the inspiration to make Eu write everything down instead of verbally communicating? That’s so unique and makes her intriguing.

ADdude: Eu is another character from Is this a zombie. Again, that came out from a joke. Eu can fight with a scythe like Maka and I joked that because of that Kami adopted her. Then I actually wrote it, finding a way for it to be canon in both series. The notepad thing is her thing, she has a lot of magic that she can't control. It’s so strong that if she speak it will make her words come into reality so writing it down is the only way for her to communicate. Oddly enough, her armor was to keep her powers in check and was made by Nene in canon. When I found that out I started to connect things and that’s where I eventually got the idea for Kami and Nene to meet and fall in love.

Q: I know a lot of Soul Eater fans have their own ideas of how Maka's mom acts or is, just because she wasn't seen at all in canon. How did you go about characterizing her?

ADdude: I started an RP blog for Kami years back. It started with that joke. There were a bunch of RPers back then who shipped Soma and I thought of a joke of Kami showing up and asking when she was gonna get grandchildren. At some point the joke kept going and had to get serious and slowly I developed a long and strange back story about her life. I just did my best not to contradict canon.  Just little by little, she grew as a character.

Q: Where did you get the idea to make Excalibur related to Maka and Kami? I busted out laughing when I read that, poor Maka!

ADdude: It started with Kami being one of the few people who could deal with him.  Then I noticed Maka had a soul with wings and how Excalibur gave wings to his user. I eventually connected the things. In one my previous stories I touched more on the relationship with Kami and Excalibur. And I thought, yeah okay he's her ancestor, let’s give him family. And yeah. Maka is a pretty accepting person but... yeah she does everything she can to not think [about] how he could have kids with a person. Just like, try not to think of how that would work. And yeah, in canon Excalibur did hook up with a woman. That HAPPENED!

Q: With so much backstory and characters to balance, what’s your editing process? Did any plot points or scenes not make the final cut?

ADdude: Yeah, some things. I mean, I did want to touch on other people. Like what you brought up about Patty now calling herself the duchess of death, it didn't add to the overall story but I want to touch on the others. Marie had a kid and she's retired. She wants to help Kami but everyone insists she stay behind because she's earned her retirement and they trust her to watch the children.  There was a lot of other stuff I wanted to add in about others but [it got] cut out. Like Anya from Soul Eater was actually inspired to go to DWMA because she met Kami and I was going to have her at the wedding but cut her out cause it slowed down the story. I also had a whole other plot that the fairy king was actually working for someone else but cut that off since it would have doubled the story.

Q: It would've doubled the word count??! Dang that sounds interesting, can you give us a summary of what that would've been like, or are you planning to save it for writing later in the future?

ADdude: In the last resbang story I had it that Kami had a history with Arthurian mythology along with Excalibur himself. Kami sorta dated the witch Morgan le Fey. Didn't end well. In fact, due to weird circumstances Morgan was actually the witch that Kami and Spirit killed to make him a death scythe. But a witch of such power and legendary status had tricks. Like Voldemort before her she split her soul, but she survived until Asura woke up the remains of her soul. Then Kami and Co killed her for good. The thing is that Morgan had a fairy teacher and that one would have been behind The Fairy King in this story, coming for revenge for her student. The Fairy King leads an army of shadow monsters, but this person would have been a whole lot scarier and worse.  I think I might save them for next year’s Resbang though.

Q: How did you handle the deadlines for check-ins and posting?

ADdude: I tried to pace myself. I tend to write a lot naturally so it helps just to work little by little working my way up to the word count. Luckily for me I was sometimes sick in bed so I got ahead of one of the deadlines and just kept at it. I tend to get sick in winter so that bought some time to work with.

Q: What was your favorite scene to write? And least favorite?

ADdude: I honestly had a lot of fun with Maka and her new family. Just her and Eu and Excalibur trying to figure what gift to get. Soul finally getting fed up and telling her to get anything because her mom would always love it.  The end scene with everyone together as a family moment was just nice to give them a nice moment like that.  My least favorite would have to be the thing right before the wedding. I do love this character and I hated writing Kami breaking down, knowing she wouldn't get the wedding with the woman she loved.

Q: Congrats on finishing your Resbang! How are you feeling about it overall?

ADdude: Overall I'm happy with what I wrote and that I gave my character a happy ending. What can I say, I love happy endings.

Q: I don't know anything about the "Is this a zombie?" series but i loveeeeeee how you're exercising your artistic freedom and doing a crossover no one else has or would ever consider. I do want to hear more about what exactly inspired you to put these two series together -- was it something as simple as both Maka and Eu having scythes as weapons?

ADdude: So, yeah, it started simply I was watching Is this a zombie and made a dumb joke that Kami was going to adopt Eu because she had a scythe. A lot of stuff I do is just because no one stops me, not even me. But there were connections in both series that pushed that along. Like, how both series deal with death and evil. And both have an arrogant loud mouth that is pretty short. Yes, I’m talking about Black Star and Haruna. Then of course there were the weapons. Meisters had their own weapon and the magical garment girls had weapons too, and they didn’t transform but also seemed to be alive. I thought up the idea that the magical garment girl weapons were somehow based on the demon weapons in soul eater.

Q: Also, why the pairing of Nene and Maka's mom as opposed to another pairing?

ADdude: Yeah, again another joke that took on a life of its own. The joke was that Kami had a thing for red heads and big boobs. Because Spirit was a red head and he himself was a big boob. Then I went past the joke and it kinda made sense. From what we got in canon, Nene had been the strongest warrior and a glimpse to the pass showed her being devoted and serious to her duty. Now she was far more relaxed and didn’t seem to have any real desire to fight anymore. That reminded me of Kami, how she was one the best meisters but seemed to quit to travel around. I started putting a history for them together, they were fighting together standing alone in their fights, so [there was] a lot of mirroring. Until it clicked that maybe they could have something more than just a friendship. And it worked, they were two warriors who’d been through a lot and developed feelings. It worked, so I kept at it.

Q: It sounds like you really like character development and writing characters with a lot of "potential" (that is, not a lot is mentioned about them in canon and much is left up to the audience to speculate). I know you had a fave scene to write but did you have a fave CHARACTER that you enjoyed writing as well, such as a quirk or fact or backstory that you thought up and gave them?

ADdude: Isn’t that what fanfiction is for? Like to fill in gaps the author never got around to… filling. We didn’t know a lot of Nene so I started to put in stuff for the gaps. As a writer my favorite thing is when characters develop, I literally scream when characters regress for no reason or just do stupid stuff for plot. Maka and family were fun to write because none of them have a lot of family normally. I got to explore a little what they would do in a family setting. It always felt weird when I made Excalibur serious and trying to keep in character. But, yeah, he was angry, so I had an excuse. Spirit was fun. He’s usually so goofy and here he had some serious moments dealing with letting go. I tried to stay in character and yeah, he would be upset and a bit hurt but would try to let the person he loved move on. I liked adding some growth to him. Hell, I’m pretty sure everyone had some growth in this story. Crona is calmer now off the moon from my last story. Maka and Soul are comfy as a couple and pretty much family. Kami pushing through her issues that she got from her nasty break up with Spirit. Liz is a responsible mom and helping everyone out. Black Star is being a dad, sort of. But yeah, development for all.

Q: I'm kind of curious as to where in canon it says that Excalibur hooked up with a woman LMAO... or maybe I saw it myself and just erased it from memory...

ADdude: Okay, that might have been a bit of a stretch. We saw him in bed with a woman in one of his stories. So, you have to take that with a grain of salt. Then again, it’s canon that the Arthur stuff was true and he was different back then. So who’s to say what’s true. But yeah, I’m taking that as true.

Q: What do you think you'll write about next?

ADdude: I’m still trying to edit my own book, so progress is slow. I’ve somehow got like four Star Vs the Forces of Evil stories going along with other fanfics of various fandoms. And I am working on a Soul Eater Abridged series as its writer and several voices and editor.  Working on episode two. And I’m writing Thanos snap fics, like what it would happen if the snap affected other worlds and yeah the Soul Eater world is on the chopping block list. I do have some idea for how I want to continue this Resbang story, maybe for next year.  I don’t have everything ready, but maybe Maka has her own family in the near future.

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Thanks to addude for stopping in! Stay tuned for one final transcript tomorrow!

[leggigoesabroad]

you can’t spell awesome without me

Lyric from Taylor’s NEW SINGLE!!  It’s called ME!  It’s actually called that, with the exclamation point and everything.  It’s as dope as you’re imagining in your head right now.  And some people, like my coworker Mary who laughs at everything I say, do in fact think I’m awesome.  (She’s such a great audience.  Now I look at her immediately after any joke I make just for the reaction and validation.) 

Well, well, well.  Leggi goes abroad again.  I’m doing a site visit for work in Vienna and Prague for a few days, and then on to Paris on my own (with an alarming amount of details in between yet to be determined, I should really get on that.)

I sit here at 10:25 pm in Vienna, Austria, in a gorgeously authentic Viennese apartment with stupid high ceilings and ornate decorations, in a fluffy-ass robe after I finally showered the airport off of me.  Left Denver at 4 pm Friday, landed at Munich at 9:45 am today (Saturday) local time, long layover, then a quick 45 minute flight to Vienna where a private driver awaited me.  I feel that weird feeling of not knowing which way is up and which way is down and what year it is, in only the special way you get when you’re traveling across the ocean.  I had so many things I wanted to tell all of my people while I was flying, but obviously had no service, so I did the same thing I did with Hayley when we flew to Thailand: wrote down all my thoughts for a future blog.  Luckily for you all, HERE THEY ARE, the undiscovered gems of the Denver to Munich economy class Lufthansa flight.

- Get on board and scope the movies, immediately knew I was going to watch “Beautiful Boy” because apparently something about Timothee Chalamet and poignant flights just feels right to me.  I almost watched “Call Me By Your Name” again but I don’t think the married woman next to me wants to watch Timothee have sex with a peach.

- Girl in front of me just aggressively reclined her chair back to it’s fully back position 20 minutes into the flight and I fear this is my new normal for 9 hours.

- I now find myself actively wishing ill upon her.

- Hey, only 8 hours 57 minutes remaining!

- Why is tiny, frail, drug-addled Timothee Chalamet also just like SO HOT? I don’t understand his appeal at all and this is coming from someone who sees his appeal.

- He reminds me of Jennifer Lawrence.  Someone who is so weird and awkward and seems like they just accidentally fell into acting yet are brilliant at it.

- I think it’s his voice.  You know how I’m into voices.

- She sat her seat up to eat.  I’m just sad knowing how temporary it will be.

- The woman next to me sounds exactly like what’s-her-name from Who’s the Boss, the mom.  Judith something?? When she talks I sometimes purposefully don’t look at her so I can imagine it’s just Jonathan’s mom.  Didn’t that kid grow up to be gay? Or commit suicide?  Really hope it’s the former.

- She just turned on the Canes/Islanders game 1.  She has no idea what a personal affront this is. :(

- Okay, she switched off of it and turned on Notting Hill.  I almost suggested she pause and wait for me to catch up and we could watch in tandem while I tell her all my favorite parts, but Timothee just relapsed and I’m invested. 

- Dinner is chicken, rice, a salad, a roll, cheese and crackers, and a blueberry crumble dessert thing.  Not bad!!  Though I do miss the filet and unlimited alcohol from business class...

- Chalamet plays such a convincing drug addict wow wow wow wow wow

- Reminder: google crystal meth sobriety success rate.

- I feel as if they’re getting ready to tuck us in for bed and I’m not ready.  Sleepover anxiety.  Dad?? Dad!  You can come get me now.

- Flight attendants are walking around with open bottles of water and wine topping people off.  Da real MVPs.

- Yep.  The post-meal recline was just as jarring as I thought it would be.

- This bitch in front just literally re-did her pony tail and then threw it over her seat, spewing over my screen.  No idea what to do here.

- Well now Timothee is having heroin sex in the shower so maybe the peach scene would have been better.

- I didn’t know there was a more recent Jason Bourne movie.  Now I don’t want to take my sleeping pill.

- Took the pill.  Reminds me of when I had wine and an Ambien with Debbie on a flight to Switzerland and had to hold her hips on the way to bathroom like a toddler because I couldn’t see.  Now we wait!! Also Jason Bourne just had to watch his ex-boo Julia Stiles get murdered in front of him :( 6 hours left.

Ensue four hours of half sleep, half wake.  Land in Munich like an absolute zombie and it SHOWED.  Business lounge guy turns down my club pass and I manage not to cry.

- Fall immediately asleep on an airport bench like one of those creepy airport sleepers.  Kind airport lady wakes me up about an hour later very concerned that I’m missing my flight to Stockholm, as I guess I was near their gate.  I awoke as if from an exorcism and shouted “NO! VIENNA!” at her, before realizing she was worried about me and then I profusely apologized and fell back asleep. 

- No one in the middle seat on the way to Vienna!  And a full-sized Kit Kat given to us BEFORE take-off!  Hear that, Southwest and your fucking plane crackers?

- Can anyone explain to me how airplanes work?

- Seat mate just watched intently as I poured out my entire pharmacy looking for a caffeine pill... 

- What did we do before medicine and pills?? Then I remember Jamie on Outlander crossing the sea on a several months-long voyage and vomiting every day for months with no relief.  He was basically Princess Kate. (”Um, Matt Bomer was on White Collar.  Princess MEGHAN was on Suits.” - Champions, NBC)

- When I see customs and the two options are “declare” and “nothing to declare”, I always think of Ilana in Broad City when she goes to the seafood restaurant and the waiter asks if she has any allergies she’d like to disclose (audience knowing she’s super allergic to seafood.) “None that I...would like to disclose.”

- Driver had my name on a sign!! First time that’s ever happened to me! I really wanted to stop and take a picture but I also had to act like I been there before.

Got to the apartment and a lot more happened after I settled in, including our local host Karin immediately clearing my chakras after hearing my dry cough by explaining magnetic energy to me and tapping a voodoo doll while I meditated next to her.  It’s as weird as it sounds but I dig her.  I feel as if she gets me.  

Tomorrow we’ll sleep in a little bit, have lunch, and then go on a private 3-hour guided city tour.  Vienna, HERE I COME!  We’re not allowed to post more than one pic per city on social media per: work rules (re: not making other people jealous and looking like dicks, which I personally think is bullshit, so I’ll be sharing stories via the ‘close friends’ option on the ‘gram.  Eat your hearts out, I’m in Vienna and Prague for free.**)

**Had to purchase hundreds of dollars of supplies to soothe my anxiety about the trip, and as soon as the trip is over will do two years of free labor as the villa lead, but hey, for now, shit is free and maybe I’ll finally meet my international husband and we’ll both just ~~know.  When you know, you know.  But you can never KNOW...

Xoxo this gossip girl is a jet-lagged bitch and will be wittier and more thorough tomorrow.  Though for everyone’s sake, I hope we never get another blog like the one recounting the food poisoning/bloody amputated foot/Duncan’s one night Russian stands/quarantine room.... ever again.