#sometimes i forget women see me
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You are the only woman I find sexually attractive. As a woman I find women beautifully and aesthetically pleasing in a platonic way, but you are the only one who turns me on even a little bit.
well, that is extremely flattering 🥹💗 thank you so much
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Hilaire Belloc in an essay on Jane Austen
#jane austen#hilaire belloc#love this. key for teaching Austen to boys#he also said in another part of the essay that he believed in the future more men would read her than women#fascinating to me.#I don’t even know if I agree but I love to see someone saying it#he ALSO said at the very beginning that her characters were immortal#and he goes ‘doesn’t mean I don’t forget some of them sometimes when they’re not immediately in front of me’#‘EXACTLY AS I DO IN REAL LIFE WITH REAL PEOPLE’#but he said he would know them every time they reappeared again#anyways. it was a good and funny essay.
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man sometimes you gotta make your own gender euphoria by reminding yourself that you're undercover and actually trying to trick people into thinking you're cisgender
#i forget sometimes that people see me as a woman and not a genderless entity#why are people so obsessed with the ways in which men and women are different?#all they ever do is describe ways in which i'm not a woman and assume i can relate to that difference#like no actually i hate just talking. i'd rather have something to do side-by-side with someone#i can't call anyone my friend who hasn't acted alongside me. i feel closer to people i do things with than ones i talk to#and people say that's what men do and how men work. and then they look at me and call me a woman because of my body's shape and function#like. yeah. i get it. my body is a woman.#but how can you say i'm not a man if i work the way you say only men do?#i understand things about manhood that women don't and can't. i understand things about manhood that boys haven't learned yet#how can anyone say i'm not a man solely based on my body? it doesn't compute#it goes further than assuming one's gender. the man who taught me these things doesn't even see it#i don't want to be equated with other women. i don't want to have to deadname myself#but i'm undercover. and a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do
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men never like me enough to double back which has kinda been a blessing in disguise lol
#it means I never stay anywhere that isn’t good for me because I never have the option anyway#they always quickly move on to terrorize someone else’s daughter and forget I exist LMAO#thoughts#I see women go back and forth in toxic relationships for years so sometimes I’m like thank god I’m forgettable I guess 😶
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ppl who seem to always rotate through having specific kinds of trans girls to proclaim their hate for and implicitly putting themselves above them for not being into the same things make me so uncomfies, like... they r not hurting u in any way, yes people can be extra cringe sometimes but why are u like this.
#I am specifically talking about completely harmless - embarrassing at most - behavior!#like sharing those cutesy subby memes like. u don't have 2 be into it and I'm not either 4/5 of the time#but u don't have to be Like That to the ppl who fw them. it's just some fun... we should all be holding hands..#idk. as a very drama free girlie I see other girlies on here with big followings get kinda big headed about stuff sometimes#like .. chill out pls.. there is no need to make ur trans sisters catch strays like this.#they ain't even strays y'all just coming here to shoot like :/ that was an unnecessary putdown#tgirls with big internet followings be normal about average transwomen challenge level god#actually idk if she'll see this but I think Josie is the most Normal About Trans Women tgirl with a big following i can think of on here#thank u for being such a sweety pie queen I love u#i always forget she follows me back and every time she likes/reblogs from me it's like getting kissed by an angel like HELLO??#anyways i'm thinking of that one post now that's something along the lines of#I'd rather be cringe than be mean - and that's REAL. STOP BEING SO MEAN??
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free fictional women from being branded as ‘No Homo’ stand-ins simply for breathing near two male characters 🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅🍅
#i forget that ppl do this sometimes because when i consime media. the beautiful sexy women will always be made gay in my mind.#‘shes there to keep the men apart!’ shes there because they knew i would see her and want her actually.#‘no homo’ to me she IS the homo.#‘they put her there so itd be less gay’ and then its one of the most fruity looking women youve ever seen just minding her business#carolcore#this happens in almost every fandom i think but hayden romero natasha trace and natasha romanoff. you need to get behind me.
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i’m always so preoccupied with my being trans that i constantly forget that my being bisexual is also something i can be outed for
#in the sense of like. i sometimes don’t even realize i’m outing myself when i tell ppl i’m bi 😭😭#ALSO i forget that since i’m not properly out + don’t pass as trans that ppl will see my attraction to women as gay#<- by which i mean yesterday i mentioned to sean from law class (he’s cool tho it’s fine) that i had a girlfriend and i didn’t even consider#that telling him that would be outing me as anything i only considered that he might find out who my gf is which would lead to issues#because of like. complicated high school drama that you’d only find in bisexual friend groups#anyway#.txt
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#caw#personal tags#i dont think im actully less attracted to women i think i just see so many women that im not attracted to that i sometimes forget#the few women that i am attracted to#maybe i just notice less the men that im not attracted to and notice more the women that i dont#so that it seems im attracted to way more men and way less women but in reality theyre abt the same or similar#i mean in the end it doesnt matter like bisexuality is a kinsey scale its not 50-50#i just guess ive been thinking if i actually am attracted to women anymore? or if i am just fully homosexual#idk it doesnt feel right to me to say i am fully homosexual and I've been attracted to a lot of girls before#my “preference” for girls or w/e is just more specific or less common than for men i think so it doesnt happen as often#idk i think dysphoria also plays into it and theres some internalised shame abt it too#idk why im typing this out#if you read this far hi hello
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Ndkskkdjdn
Don't mind me just using the tags as Tumblr intended
#INTERNAL SCREAMING you know i forget about my attraction sometimes UNTIL I SEE A VERY STRONG LADY WALK BY HO MY G OD YES HELLO YES#Like women are attractive but if she's like bigger than me?? and beefy?? hello ma'am I don't mean to be rude but my heart just exploded in#my chest and my poor little gay brain literally cannot handle the fact that I have short circuited rn#my face is so warm holy moly I'm having a crisis#like I think I'm somewhat male leaning when it comes to attraction so for the most part I'm like huh that guy is kinda cute ig#but when it comes to women?? there's just that sweet spot of 'holy' and 'shit' and then I no longer function#men? yes I like them. women?? HOLD ON LEMME MAKE MYSELF LOOK CUTER RQ GIMME A SEC#JDJSJDJ okayokay that's all I have to say rn god I hope she didn't see me decompress like a little balloon djjdndjs#peep peep
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youtube
This video is so disgusting fr and a lot of the comments just make it worse. And this was only the 1990, the year marital rape was made illegal, a lot of these men are still alive and kicking and spouting their patriarchal nonsense. They're talking about "militant" women's lib feminists who hate men/are bitter/etc meanwhile divorce wasn't legalised until 1995. Just a reminder (to me anyway) that incel rhetoric or the misogyny that often gets blamed on social media is not just an internet problem. If young men had no access to the internet misogyny would still be a massive societal issue because it's rooted in governmental and religious institutions, and benefits men on both an individual and a class level.
#ireland#misogyny#irish history#these men would lose their minds if they knew that my college gives out free period products and that *gasp* theyre not hidden away#and the men can see them!! they thought feminism had gone too far in the 90s? lmao they aint seen nothing yet#'women shouldnt be president' well we've had not one but two! bet he cries himself to sleep at night thinking about that#i'll be so fr......sometimes its easy to forget how recent a lot of this was. especially bc the 90s are generally fondly remembered here#and yer man on the left of the thumbnail is so fucking ugly...on top of being a misogynist..chose a struggle fr#mary mcaleese has been staring down at me from the cover of her memoir for too long (1 week)...i will read your book ma'am. im sorry u had#to put up w these shits. go raibh míle míle míle maith agat for your service fr#this came up on my yt homepage just after i read an rté article about the insane femicide rates in the north...
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straight people are so unfortunate did they ever think about that
#rye thoughts#sponsored by me seeing someone’s senior prom pics#as a lesbian i forget that some women are actually attracted to men and it alarms me sometimes
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One good thing that’s happening is that I might be discharged from physio this time next month
#at the time i was like ‘wait what’ but no she’s right. i don’t have a limp anymore#i’m in a frankly bizarre amount of pain but i’m walking normally#she wants me doing glute exercises. so clam; gluteus maximus; upping the amount of squats i’m doing (or supposed to be doing) from 80 to 100#i’m not gonna lie chief i consider it a good day if i get to 50. but we’ll see how that goes#y’know what; i am so willing to give it a go actually. some of these exercises are hard enough that i can’t really think about anything else#while i’m doing them. so maybe if i set myself up with a really rigorous routine that makes me deeply uncomfortable#i’ll be able to forget i don’t have a dog anymore#literally anything that gets my mind off her is good with me to be honest. currently my go-to is stardew + a podcast (stardew didn’t work by#itself unfortunately) or 1989 tv on a loop with a mobile game#or i just leave the house physically so that i have to have my shit together in public#it’s the weirdest thing. earlier my phone rang and i was crying and i took a couple of breaths; answered it & managed to sound completely#normal. i was even chipper. i do think i missed my calling as a hollywood actress sometimes#do they put 6’1 overweight excessively pale women with questionable hair and broad yorkshire accents in films nowadays? don’t answer that#personal
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I came out to my dad as bisexual at 14 and I was PANICKED because I had a crush on a guy in my Boy Scout troop and thought I was Going To Hell Forever and he was so kind and understanding of my distress, but he had NO idea what bisexuality was. He just said “yeah but you like girls too? This is normal. Everyone is like this.” And I love my dad and trust him with my life to this day and the idea that the concept of bisexuality had not occurred to him had not occurred to me so I put it off.
By 16 though I had a crush on like THREE boys. Three entire boys in my Boy Scout troop. I felt like my sin was slowly advancing, until like an untreated cancer it had become metastatic. I remember bawling my L’il limp-wristed sissy eyes out in his big rumbly truck on the way home from a scout meeting and him telling me that it was OK, that he still loved me if I was gay, but that he knew I wasn’t gay because I still had crushes on women and that meant I was straight. I didn’t quite know how to explain that those felt *~*different*~* and that I felt like I was losing a fight to evil inside me but I again felt comforted by his reassurances and his genuine fatherly love.
At 18 I was like “hey I’m realizing all my friends are going on missions. I don’t wanna do that. Idk how to say that and I don’t have a ‘good enough’ reason to not wanna go.” So I just put it off. Again, my parents were extremely supportive of the information I gave them (I blamed it on perpetually forgetting to start the paperwork.) and one day my mom texted me that she had done the paperwork for me! And that all I needed was to get a physical! So I did that (it was awkward af tbh, my hernia check was done by a trainee doctor and she spent like 3 minutes fishing around my inguinal canals before her attending rescued me) and was sent to Mexico City where I learned that in addition to dipshit himbos with strong hands and scruffy guys with artistic hearts I was REALLY into chubby Latin men with strong personalities who bullied me a little when I lived in Mexico.
I remember my first companion got annoyed with me during an argument and said we were just gonna wrestle and whoever won the wrestling match won the argument (I stg I am dead serious this happened.) I was like…SWEATING when he tore off his tie and threw his white button-down shirt onto the ground (I won btw, don’t ask me how).
I remember one of my companions with this really intense, almost manic energy telling me that he was gonna make sure I was safe in a new area I didn’t know very well. He cooked breakfast for me and we’d go shopping together on P-Days and in the mornings before breakfast he’d jog around and do pull-ups with his shirt off and I’d do anything but look at him because my face would break out in a sweat so intense he’d think I was crying and come over to see if I was OK and somehow make it worse. He let me play D&D with myself in the evenings even though it was against mission rules because he knew how lonely and stressed I was.
I remember one of my companions was a big chubby man with a loud voice and a great sense of humor. He was kind and direct when addressing conflicts with me, and always bragged about how he knew the secrets of women’s minds and it felt like he really did since it almost always boiled down to “Treat Them Like People and Love Them a Lot. Don’t Stop Being A Person For Them. Also Eat Them Out Sloppy Style.” Our P-Day activities sometimes felt like dates, and it seemed like he was more attentive to my emotional state than I was since he was always the first to suggest we slow down our Divinely Mandated, God-Ordained, Super Sacred Work and Wonder to get a snack or check out a Pawn Shop (I love Pawn Shops).
I remember another companion who asked me to bully him every time he did something against his goal of losing weight. It was like he gave me Carte Blanche to take out my crush on him by being a nuisance and I LOVED that. I remember having a breakdown one day after we’d spent the afternoon frantically cleaning our disgusting-barely-habitable mission house to make it look less vile that it was (not our fault imo?) and I started bawling and he pulled me into a hug and he smelled good and he told me he knew it wasn’t just the house and that I was mad at him for being a Huge Dickhead for about a week (true) and that he would work on it. (He’s also a huge chaser but that’s a separate thing.)
I remember one of my companions waking up early (and our schedule is already built for sleep deprivation) to make me a “birthday cake” from knock-off Nutella and bread. He used matches for candles and woke me up, lit the ‘candles,�� pulled them out, then smashed it in my face and took a bunch of pictures while I was still madrugada and disoriented as fuck. He had the same sense of humor as one of my HS crushes and I could push his buttons pretty easily which was so fun.
I came home from my mission and started back at BYU where I became actively and aggressively suicidal. I had a stalker the year I moved up there and my dad’s solution to that was to get me a gun. I know he wouldn’t have bought me a gun if he could have read my mind, but I had a loaded pistol under my bed during a trifecta faith/sexuality/gender crisis and that was not helpful. I remember that the day I decided to kill myself I figured I’d call the BYU CAPS and see if I could get into therapy because it felt like what I was “supposed to do” so I could check my suicide boxes. My therapist was the guy who’d helped me pick a major the year before and was this drop-dead gorgeous Hawaiian man who cried when I told him how I’d been feeling.
A few weeks into therapy I met another stunning man with soft eyes and a scruffy illegal-at-BYU beard he kept pushing his luck with. He was funny, kind, patient, married, and wouldn’t give me the time of day if he knew I was crushing on him. We were in my history of psych class, which was inarguably the worst psych class I have ever had, and we studied together for every assignment and test and I realized that my feelings for him and for all the men I’d already mentioned were in direct conflict with my faith and relationship with God. My already agonizing spiritual conflict became even more wretched and as a result of this plus some other tightly-packed experiences with Mormonisms bullshit, I left the church.
After leaving the church I decided to move back to AZ and transfer to ASU. My mom helped me get a dog since I think it had started to dawn on my family that my mental health was barely getting me through the day, and she knew that we both loved dogs. Madi made my last year at BYU livable while I got my shit together and transferred. In that last year, I went on a date with quite possibly the only semi-openly-out trans person on BYU campus. It was not a great date imo, I was not doing well, but the person I spoke with was fun and fascinating and talked to me about Gender Dysphoria and it really cemented my need to go. To leave and never come back to that fucking school.
I started at ASU a month after my last semester at BYU and within a very short time frame it felt like I was coming back together, like a puzzle magically putting itself together in an environment that wasn’t slowly draining that puzzle’s will to live.
On the 4th of July, the year I started at ASU, I saw a transition timeline photo of a gorgeous happy beautiful happy radiant happy woman and her former Mormon missionary self and I realized the light that was on in her eyes was the light that was off in mine. I looked into transitioning for 3 days, sleeping about 10 hours total during that time. I started talking to other trans people on Reddit (one of whom is now my beautiful fiancée @cintailed) and after about a month of making preparations to be disowned and kicked out, something I was not sure would happen but was ready to go through to Turn On The Lights, I came out to my family and it was amazing. I started HRT a month after that. I secretly dated some dorky guys for about a year while I applied to grad schools. I got into a great grad school for me and my needs. I got FFS. I did my trainings and classes. Me and my fiancée moved in together after some LDR shenanigans. We’ve lived together now for 4 years of basically marital bliss. We have a cat named Grandmother Esmeralda Weatherwax who bites the hell out of my feet about three times a day. My bi-cycle continues to be part of my life but now it’s not as scary. Baby gays in my life have started to look to me for advice. Idk how this all happened so fast. When the years, months, weeks, days, and hours seems to crawl by so slowly now they are rushing past me so fast it’s almost bewildering. Whereas before I felt like I was living on borrowed time, past my ‘expiration date,’ now it feels like I can Fucking Breathe. I’m training myself to slow down now and it feels worth it to Live In The Moment.
Idk why I wrote this. Idk why these thoughts only seem to come up on Sundays when I’m supposed to be writing my dissertation. Idk why I’m crying rn or why I feel so happy. I’m gonna post this shit then get on with my dissertation I guess. Read more Terry Pratchett and give yourselves the time you need. Get a pet. Talk to someone. Re-examine the events that brought you here. Be gayer. Love y’all 💕
#tgirl swag#worm#mormon#lds church#church of jesus christ of latter day saints#boy scouts#Mormon mission#Mormon missionary#elder#the book of mormon#bisexual#transgender#trans stuff#trans pride#lgbt pride#bi pride#mental health#BYU#pets#my cat#cat#dumb cat#granny weatherwax#terry pratchett
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old!logan and his obsession with the cute diner girl *mdni
a/n: this is my first attempt at writing something smutty so if it sucks im sorry lmao also if any writers have any tips please share! :)
logan has been around for long enough to know when a woman is attracted to him. there was a certain essence given off that was always a dead giveaway. usually it came from women close to the age he looked like and it tended to be brief moments of lust before all hope was lost. this was until he met you.
the pretty young girl working at the diner during her time off from college. everyday, he came in and ordered a black coffee. the coffee wasn't even that good but logan would spend two dollars every single day of his life if it came with the view of you bending over in that tiny uniform skirt.
logan would watch you for hours while he drank and skimmed the news paper alone in a booth. your hair was always up in either a ponytail or held together with a hair clip. he loved seeing your pretty handwriting as you scribbled on your notepad, taking orders. it was part of your job to be nice to everyone but you were especially nice to him. even your friends began to notice how you would linger by his table, constantly topping off his coffee mug and making small talk; sometimes giving him a slice of cherry pie on the house.
"don't you think he's kinda old for you?" one of your friends whispers to you behind the counter.
it's stung but you suppose she had a point. what would a man old enough to be your father want with a young wild girl like yourself?
"i-i guess so?" you stuttered, embarrassed at your previous attempt at flirting with him.
the rest of the night, you hoped he would leave before close so you could have some time alone with your feelings. summer was almost over and you would go back to the city soon. it was time to forget these silly fantasizes.
by ten, all the other waitresses went home except you, the older woman in the back who counted the drawer every night, and a few of the cooks. the only customer still there was logan. he flipped through one of the books he brought with him; still sipping away at that damn coffee.
"isn't it getting a little late for you, sweetheart?" he asked nonchalantly, not even looking up at you as you bent over to scrub the table next to his. the fifth table you've cleaned in the last hour and the second time you've cleaned that specific table. logan noticed but you didn't.
"need the hours." you mumble, frustrated by a stubborn stain. all logan could focus on was your scrunched nose and how your tight top pushed your boobs together just right for his viewing. "college is fucking expensive plus grants and scholarships only cover so much."
"hmm.." logan grunts. grants? scholarship? what a goody fucking two shoes, logan thought to himself. "if you bring me piece of pie, i think i can help you out."
you lean off the table and go get what's left in the glass container. it's probably a little hard so you definitely didn't plan on charging him for it. you sit the plate down in front of him and before you could turn around to walk away, logan reaches for your wrist softly.
"join me." he offers.
you knew you shouldn't but what was really the harm? at least your friends weren't here to make fun of you. the radio played quietly on an older station while you watched logan take a bite of the pie.
"why did your friends leave you here alone?" he asked, watching your face turn sour at the memory of them.
"don't wanna talk about it." your voice was small in the empty diner.
"why? think an old man like me can't relate to it?" logan chuckles. your thighs squeeze together without thinking. so much for not embarrassing yourself.
"no, no, not that." you shake your head and a strand of hair falls from your bun. "just sort of juvenile, you know?"
logan could tell that you were trying to come off more mature around him. you didn't want him to see you as some college kid.
"juvenile, how?" he eggs on, pushing down his glasses a bit.
god, those glasses got to you; and logan knew it.
"they don't understand how i feel about someone." you sigh.
"how do you feel about this person?" logan noticed you now avoiding his gaze, not liking it one bit. "eyes on me, princess."
the nickname caught you off guard like a dear in headlight; blinking and trembling up at logan. something logan enjoyed very much and could get used to.
"it's not important, just some stupid crush." you lie through your teeth. "they will forget about me in a month."
"why don't you think it'll work?" he cocks his head to the side a bit. "you're a pretty young thing, dollface. anyone of those college boys would be lucky to be wrapped around your little finger."
"i don't want college boys." you mumble, slightly annoyed by the memory of your friends.
logan felt himself getting hard at you admitting you had a taste for someone older. his eyes grew dark as he leaned in a little over the table.
"then what do you want?"
your moment to answer was interrupted by the older woman from the back, releasing you to go home for the evening. this was your chance to get up and leave before you admitted anything else that you would regret.
both of you stood up. logan threw down some cash while you went to collect your stuff behind the counter.
"i'll see you tomorrow, lo-"
"you didn't answer the question."
"i must go now if i want to catch the last train."
logan worried about you taking the train back to your apartment alone this late at night. usually you drive back but your car has been in the shop for almost three days now. he would watch you get to your car every night to make sure you were safe.
"i can drive you home." logan offers.
you shouldn't be this excited to be sitting in a strangers truck alone at night but here you were. the two of you sat in silence for a few minutes before logan brought up the conversation from the diner again. what did you even want?
"i want someone who understands me..." you begin rattling off the first things that come to mind when you notice logan's hand on your knee. you don't dare move.
"someone who is responsible..." with every word, his hand creeps higher and higher up your skirt. logan is more than pleased when he notices your legs spread on their own.
"someone who is m-mature..." logan's fingers inch towards the delicate skin of your inner thigh. there's no way this was happening, you thought as his index finger plays with the lace on the center of your pink underwear. he smirked at the wet spot front and center, waiting for him.
"treats me r-r-right." every word was a struggle to form as he stroked you softly. back and forth. back and forth.
logan nods along, not letting up down below. his index finger hooks onto your underwear, pulling it aside. you weren't even sure if you were breathing at this point; all this teasing was torture.
"p-p-please, logan..." you whine. "touch me."
his thumb rubs tiny circles on your button, adoring the way his name pours from your glossy lips. your hands fly to his wrists, needing more; nails digging into his skin in the most delicious way.
"where did this greediness come from?" logan groans, dipping his index finger inside of you. "what happened to that good girl from the diner?"
logan's finger barely fit in the tight space. your head fell back and a loud moan escaped you.
"oh, you weren't letting those college boys touch you at all, huh?" logan mocks, adding another finger and creating a steady pace.
"n-no!" you whine, lifting your hips a little.
"you were waiting for a real man to have his way with you, isn't that right, pretty girl?" he growls, pushing your hips back down.
you completely missed logan pulling off to the side of the road until now. his pace increases becoming rather rough now that he isn't driving. logan leaves deep purple bruises down your neck and across your chest, praising you to no end until you gush around his fingers, completely soaking his palm.
your heart pounded like you had just finished a marathon. logan allowed you to catch your breath as he carefully removed his fingers, bringing them up to his mouth to lick clean. he can feel your dazy eyes staring at him as he does so, making a real show of it.
"i've been wanting to do that for months now." he admits with a smirk.
"me too." you said, leaning forward and pulling him into a kiss; tasting yourself on his lips and tongue. logan wraps his hands around your hair, pulling you back a little when another moan falls from your lips.
"and we aren't even close to being done."
#logan howlett x reader#james logan howlett#logan howlett#hugh jackman wolverine#wolverine x reader#wolverine angst#deadpool and wolverine#logan x reader#logan howlett angst#logan howlett smut#wolverine one shot#wolverine fluff#wolverine x oc#logan wolverine#wolverine#wolverine smut#logan howlett oneshot#logan howlett fluff#logan howlett imagine#logan howlett fanfiction#old man!logan#old man logan x reader#marvel cinematic universe#marvel#mcu#logan howlett x oc#wolverine x you#x men oc#x men comics#x men
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one of the funniest thing that happens to me regularly is when i'm dressed The Way I Dress, esp in very short shorts or very audacious trousers, and straight women start giving me A Look that's meant to be like. a policing look between women, to show social disapproval
but then they look up at my face, realise i'm a man and NOT a woman, and you see them doing like. a double take, often with their jaws full on dropped
bc their intention was to do the crab bucket slutshaming thing at another woman and it doesn't apply to me... or does it?
bc sometimes they decide to go back to Plan A and do the slutshamey lipcurl of disgust (they've decided i count as a woman) and other times they sort of tut and avert their eyes entirely (they've decided i count as a homo)
and other times they just. stare. (forget to decide)
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Hi can I ask for a blurb where Peter accidently hits the reader while playing or something like he sometimes forgets about his super strength but fluff at the end please 🥺.
this got away from me but this was so fun and cute to write!
“I kinda want a black eye.”
Your boyfriend slowly lowered the bag of peas on his left eye, his elbow dropped daringly, forcing you to look at the dark purple hue.
“Oh, really?”
You nod, “it looks gnarly but it’d be cool to have one.”
“Baby, my heartbeat is currently taking place from my eyeball. You don’t want one.”
Stretching across the space on the couch you raise Peter’s hand back up so he can ice the bruise some more, it does look painful.
“I think if you loved me you’d give me one.”
Peter took a second to see if that sentence would resonate with you but it hadn’t.
“We should go to the women's shelter and spread that knowledge.”
You scoff, “they weren't asking for it, Peter. I am.”
Your boyfriend lowered his temporary ice pack and reached a hand out, his thumb rubbed under your eye, you almost thought he was thinking about it. Almost.
“I’d never. I would, however, patch you up if you ever got one.”
“Do you have a friend that could-”
“No.”
—------------------------------------
Oh FUCK did your eye HURT.
It was on a level ten throb level, it felt like a ring stretching to your eyebrow and nose. You couldn’t even open it, all you could do was press your hand to it and try and stop the pressure from building, it didn’t work.
You were able to blink it open just enough to be blinded by the living room light, you’ve never been so light sensitive. Squeezing it shut you winced, you tried to be understanding and calm; it was an accident after all. But the pain was spreading all over your face and you had a target right on the corner of your right eye, and it hurt.
If your right eye could open it’d be shedding tears too, you had one continuance stream coming from your left eye.
Your voice bubbles with pain, “petey, it hurts.”
Your boyfriend couldn’t even breathe right now, he had hurt you. The one thing he swore he would never, could never do, and he did it. Panic flooded his body, panicked he’s caused serious damage, panicked you’d be scared of him, panicked you’d dump him, panicked your dad would come curbstomp him.
“It hurts so bad,” he knows you’re calling out for him, he knows you need him, but all he could replay was the ‘whack!’ in his head. It wasn’t gentle in the slightest, you whipped away from him with a hiss, your hand immediately covering your eye. You had been okay at first but after a minute had passed it became nearly unbearable.
Peter knows how bad a black eye hurts, and he just gave you one.
His short, barely there breaths start to stutter.
And suddenly Peter couldn’t see because his vision was muddled by tears, he tried to blink them back but they ran. He can’t remember the last time he’s cried, but this brought him to his knees. He never wanted to punish himself more than in that second. He should’ve been quicker, he should’ve known you were behind him, he has those goddamn senses and they did nothing in that moment.
“Peter!” A desperate cry for attention, you don’t know what to do, it hurts more than you could imagine.
You look up at your boyfriend still standing in shock where he jumped away from you after hitting you directly in your eye. A wrestling battle, you had tried to take him down after he’d pinned you three times. In an effort of a sneak attack you crawled up the couch and tried to jump on his back where he sat on the floor. You dived and at the last moment his hand… well you don’t know what he was trying to do but it connected hard to your cheekbone.
Your back hit the couch and you held your hand as you hissed and groaned in hurt, Peter scrambled up and backed up behind the coffee table, as if he was scared to be around you.
He’s crying, your boyfriend’s crying. You’ve been punched and he’s crying.
“I’m.. I’m sorr.. Fuck.” Peter snaps out of it, you need him. He crosses to the couch in two steps, his hand cupping your cheek. It makes everything in him deflate when you flinch as he touches you, he bites his bottom lip to stop a sob. “Baby, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”
His heart hurts as you cry, his thumb taps at your hand covering the damaged eye. The one he caused.
“Let me see it, please?” Peter said it like a question, like he’d ever be lucky enough to have that privilege.
You sob, “it hurts.”
Peter blinks, more tears. He can’t believe he’s crying over this, he also can’t believe he hit his fucking girlfriend.
“I know, I know it does, baby. Please let me see it.”
You choke in air to stop your crying, it works. You slowly lift your hand off your eye, it’s not throbbing as much but the pressure has inflated tenfold and you couldn’t open it if you tried, it was swollen shut. You tried to gauge a reaction out of him, to see how bad it is. You forgot your boyfriend had the world’s best poker face.
Peter wanted to curl up into a ball when he saw the damage.
It was bruising, and swollen and you couldn’t open your eye and it was all his fault.
His fault, his fault, his fault.
If he was normal, if he was a normal boyfriend, this wouldn’t have happened. A normal teenager doesn’t have the strength to hold a ferry or stop a runaway bus, he does. And he used that strength on you.
His powers, his abilities, his strength.
His fault, his fault, his fault.
“You need ice.” Is all that could come out. A wince wraps over your face when you nod, you try to sit up and groan. “Everything hurts. How do you do this? Pain has to affect you differently, right?” Peter ignored you as he backed away, you don’t think he’s ever been so aware of his surroundings and actions.
He shouldn’t be getting ice, he shouldn’t be putting it in a plastic bag and wrapping a rag around it, he shouldn’t be grabbing you tylenol extra strength, he shouldn’t be icing your black eye he caused.
His fault, his fault, his fault.
It scared you how quiet he was, the accidental punch was just that. You weren’t upset at him or scared he would do it again, you were scared how odd he was acting. He was strangely quiet and standoffish, when he came back to you with ice and pills you watched him think about holding the bag to your eye but stopped and put it in your hand.
He shifted his weight and looked at the couch, he stepped back and sat on the coffee table.
Peter cried and was quiet and standoffish and scared to touch you. He was terrified of himself, you may be physically hurt but he was emotionally broken, his one major thing washed down the drain. Accident or not he gave you a black eye, and it was tearing him up inside.
You hummed when ice hit the hot skin, suddenly it didn’t hurt.
“Am I right, super high pain tolerance?”
It’s like you broke through a wall, Peter looked up at you like he just found out you were in the room.
“I hit you.”
You would’ve rolled your eyes if you could’ve.
“That’s a little dramatic.”
Peter shook his head, upset you weren’t upset.
“I hit you hard, I hurt you. I…” His hand pulled at his curls so hard you grit your teeth. “I fucking hit you,” he whispered it, like his own mind couldn’t wrap it around.
He doesn’t pull out the fuck word often.
You thought about reaching out for his hand, but you think that’d made things worse.
“I’m not scared of you, petey. It was an accident.”
“I swore i’d never hurt you, that I would never hit you and I didn’t-”
“Mean it.” You cut him off, “you didn’t mean it.”
Peter rubbed at his jaw and blinked, you saw tears puddling and you wanted to do nothing more than hold him. He couldn’t stop thinking about it, you lowered the bag of ice from your eye prepared to switch seats. He wouldn’t let you.
“Ice.” Cold and hard, like you had no other option. You didn’t question him, you followed instructions.
“Remember when you asked me to give you a black eye months ago?”
It was a joke. Sure, you saw a tiktok with a girl who had one and you couldn’t deny it looked a little cool. Then seeing one on Peter the same night you couldn’t shake it. You were just playing around, it’s not like it was that serious.
“I was joki-”
“I told you I'd never, and I did. I hit my girlfriend and gave her a black eye.”
Disgust. That’s what it was. He was disgusted with himself.
You sat up straight, your lip curled up.
A black eye? Sick.
“Wait, really?”
Peter looked up at your excitement, it came from nowhere.
“You gave me a black eye? I have a black eye right now? For real, for real?”
This wasn’t a cute or funny thing, and he won’t let you make it be one.
He hit you.
“This isn’t funny, I hit you and you’re happy you got a black eye?”
“Pete, I forgive you. And not just cause you gave me a black eye, because it was an accident and you didn’t mean to and you’re obviously extremely remorseful.”
“But I-”
You reached out for his hand, “forgive yourself. You forgive yourself.”
It wouldn’t be instant, until your eye healed, which would be at a much slower rate than him, he wouldn’t be able to fully forgive himself.
“No more wrestling.”
You scoff, “no more sneak attacks, how about that?”
He shook his head, “I don’t want this happening again.”
“If the situation was reversed would you want me to hold it against myself?”
Peter scoffed, “absolutely not, but it wouldn’t hurt me like it does you.”
“So you do have a super high pain tolerance.”
He snapped and ripped his hand from yours, “yes, I do have a super high pain tolerance. I also have super strength and give my girlfriend black eyes.”
You held your hand up, the other one slightly freezing from the cold but you were too scared to take it off.
“First off, plural. Second, please stop. You’re making me feel bad, I’m really okay and I’m not mad and I forgive you a thousand million percent.”
Peter inhaled sharply, he has to believe you. He’s more shook up than you are and he guesses he should agree with you, you were the hurt one. If you forgive him he could try and do the same.
“I think you need to give me a black eye to even it out.”
You gasp like your offended at his words, your hand lays over your heart.
“I’d never!”
Your boyfriend ran his tongue over his teeth and gave you a dead stare, his hands pushed him off the coffee table. His words grumbled, “toxic.”
#peter parker x reader#tasm! peter parker x reader#peter parker blurb#peter parker angst#tasm!peter x reader#peter parker fluff#my writing
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