#sometimes I get follow notifs from people I’ve been following for ages and my brain just short circuits

[fatoujallovv]

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[deathvsthemaiden]

Do you have any advice for ppl who’ve been in a reading slump since... 5 ever ? i love reading somehow it’s just harder to get into it these days :(

Omg for sure!! Here is a scrambled little list, I hope at least some of it helps:

📖 read in any format (ebook, physical book, audiobook) bc they’re all valid and make reading more accessible for people which is I think part of why ppl get hoity toity abt it. Ignore them. Also, I assume that if you wanna read, at least a large chunk of why is because you wanna have fun and consume stories yes? 😳 you can do that w/ any form of book, and any other reasons you might have to want to read, like expanding vocab or broadening ur horizons or learning to analyze books should be secondary. Focus on making it a fun and near-effortless/painless thing again and then u can graduate to those (I think that’ll come naturally tbh as long as you read semi-consistently) Fun comes First and I say that as a terrible English major 😗

📖 And with that in mind, read whatever you want, even if it’s simple or cringe or a reread or whatever because after completing the first few impulsive reads that you find engaging enough to finish completely, you can worry about reading what you think you “should” or what would benefit you specifically if that makes sense. Like I’m completely pro reading new things and not limiting urself to 1 genre but there’s no harm in taking your time moving onto things that don’t immediately pique ur interest. Get into the groove of things first, the criticism of ppl who are well past the target age market for YA but still exclusively consume it doesn’t apply to people who are trying to rediscover their love of reading imo.

📖 keep books nearby all the time! (All!!! The time!!!!) You might not actually read them 45/50 times that you bring them with you to places/keep them near you wherever u spend time at your house, but those 5 times will be bliss and you’ll thank yourself! Do it! Especially if ur open to ebooks and can read them on ur phone!

📖 put your phone somewhere far away on mute and force yourself to read for a specific chunk of pages or time. Very old person-ish advice but like. They’re onto smth when they tell us to do stuff like that, but they’re also way too smug and holier-than-thou about it so no need to tell any of them that! 🤫 but seriously be honest w/ urself if u have a compulsive notification checking problem and challenge yourself to overcome it long enough to meet a very small teensy tiny goal 🥅

📖 I juggle a lot of books at once and I’m constantly planning ahead in my brain when I do it, without consciously meaning to (library deadlines for digitized books are so strict 💔) And often I don’t end up following these plans perfectly, because following them perfectly isn’t the point, especially since life happens all the time and isn’t often very receptive when we wish we could forget everything and read for several straight hours. Reading shouldn’t be a burden, but the vague guidelines help. I think stuff like “tomorrow I’ll finish this poetry collection before bed” or “I’m gonna study and then read 2 chapters of this novel I’m rlly digging as a treat before continuing,” “I’m gonna listen to 4 chapters of this audiobook while I take a walk or do chores” etc etc. and usually I end up reading at least a little! And the best thing is when I read more than intended because the book is just that fun. I don’t write these plans down, but if it helps you to do so I urge you to anon :0 !! Just remember ur writing them on paper/a screen and not in stone, so you can always be flexible and change things around and you’re not by any means a failure for doing so. To be flexible w/ urself is most likely to ensure long term progress imo!

📖 speaking of juggling it’s absolutely fine to cycle through a ton of books and sometimes abandon them for months and come back when the whim strikes! If your memory is good enough and you prefer having a bunch of variety at all times, jump from book to book with reckless abandon! It legit doesn’t matter. Also don’t ever hesitate to drop a book if you’re not vibing it’s not worth it. Time is precious life is precious you’re doing this for fun, yes? Drop the book if you can’t bring yourself to care theres sooooo many more where it came from! Be merciless and picky!! It will pay off I promise, and to be that way is not antithetical to challenging yourself or stepping outside of your comfort zone unless you make it that way.

📖 buddy read/have an impromptu book club w/ someone. It doesn’t have to be official, and I’ve done this multiple times with people and sometimes we just don’t finish the book/meet our set goals and that’s a-okay! It’s still worth it to have someone to talk abt the book w/ and you guys can always pick up where you left off or try another book. Literally no stakes at all as long as everyone involved is chill and understanding <3

📖 set a reading goal you think you can manage by the end of the year! You might surprise yourself 😳 and if you don’t oh well! You’ll still have read at least a page in pursuit of said goal 🔎

📖 read short stories! The internet is full of them, and short story collections by multiple and singular authors are everywhere 📚

📖 do some searching and make a list of books that you’re extremely excited to read or really wanna revisit. And then pick your next reads from there! If you want recs for books or short stories you can always shoot me another ask or look at my goodreads (or goodreads in general)

[babiemingoo]

lollipop boy || jeon wonwoo

summary: greaser!wonwoo is only kind of your friend when he comes up with a stupid (but brilliant) plan to piss off your ex boyfriend and test just what person you claim to have become

genre: greaser!wonwoo, suggestive? || wc: 2.6k

a/n: this is actually a snippet of my next series I have planned, so I hope everyone enjoys reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!

This was awkward.

As you sat there, thumbs twiddling mindlessly in an attempt of a distraction from the tension, you couldn’t escape how awkward of a situation you were in. When your friend Sien had texted that she was running late but someone should already be there waiting, you had hoped with every cell of your being that the someone wasn’t Wonwoo. But when you opened the front door of the diner nestled in the middle of your hometown, the only member of your newfound “friend group” that had arrived on time was, of course, Wonwoo. 

The diner was classic, with a neon sign hanging above the milkshake bar and a worn down jukebox near the corner window looking like it had survived every teenager in your town since the 1940s. The color scheme of red, white and gray made the boy wrapped in a shiny black leather jacket look even more so out of place than he already was. He never seemed to care, though, always sat in the exact same spot on a Wednesday afternoon, flipping through his auto vehicle magazine with a lollipop between his lips while his friends bustled about excitedly. Except, his friends were late, and now it was just the two of you together despite the fact that you had spoken more less 20 words to him since you met.

If silently sitting across the said boy wasn’t awkward enough, the diner was pretty dead for a Wednesday when most people your age tended to trickle in - except for, with your luck, your ex boyfriend. Him and your old friend group were huddled about in the opposite end of the diner, next to the jukebox that you knew they liked to hang around to play their favorite 70s songs while they loitered. None of them seemed to have noticed your arrival apart from the boy that you used to spend every Wednesday holding hands with. Now you two side glance at each other, looking away in the split millisecond when your eyes meet and pretend like it didn’t happen. You repeat the action probably five times before a deep voice pulls you out of the routine, “So much for hating his guts, huh?”

Wonwoo’s still skimming his eyes through the words printed next to a picture of a motorcycle in the magazine, but you know he was the one that had just spoken to you. “What are you talking about?” You question him, feigning ignorance. His deep chuckle cuts through the air as you observe the candy he has wrapped in his fingers, just an inch away from his mouth so he’s able to voice out his thoughts. One thing you had noticed about Wonwoo was that he always had a lollipop with him. Sometimes it was green, or purple, or even blue; but today it was his classic red shade. His usual soda was always red, all the candy he bought at the liquor store was red, and the chapstick that he would pull out every now and then was that of the same color and flavor; the one you have realized to be his favorite. Cherry.

“You tell everyone how much you hate him for what he did to you, but you keep making love eyes at him,” The boy across from you states in a tone that you’re sure is dripping with arrogance. “Not surprised though. I told Sien that you would run back to rich boy the first chance you got.”

You scoff at the audacity he had. The two of you may have been in the same friend group, and you’ve come to have a soft spot for a few of them - like Sien and Jun - but Wonwoo speaks as if he has a right to judge you or any of your past. Wonwoo was the only one out of the group of greasers that you felt hadn’t really taken to you and you’re certain it’s because of your old friends and boyfriend that he hated so much. Every part of you itched to prove him wrong about every assumption he had made about your life. “I’m not going to run back to him!” You say to him with determination, in a low voice. 

For the first time since you’ve met him, Wonwoo closes the magazine. He quickly folds the corner of the page he was on to not lose his spot, shuts it, and pulls the lollipop out of his mouth again before saying, “Everytime we meet up at a spot and he’s around, you both make puppy eyes at each other like you’ll run into each other’s arms in a flower field and sing love songs. Even I can’t ignore it and I make it a point to half ignore everyone. Just admit you want to make your boy toy miss you, get your job done and go back to your perfect little life. Don’t drag my friends into this.” The way his voice comes out is laced with venom and you feel it. You always had a hunch that Wonwoo held dislike for you rather than indifference, but this is the first you’re hearing of his theory that you’re just using your new friend group to prove something to your ex. 

“I’m sorry if the guy I was with for three years and had to break up with a few weeks ago still holds a little part of my heart,” You retort with sass. “But I’m not going to go back to him. What he did was so completely fucked up and even if I’ve been with him for that long I have more self worth, I know that I deserve more-”

Ding.

It was a bad habit of yours to leave your ringer on. A habit that had got you written up in class more times than you can count, one that got you caught during friend gatherings when you and Seungkwan were trying to sneakily talk behind the other boys’ backs. And now, it was a habit that had you caught up with Wonwoo. The brightness of your phone screen was almost mocking in the way that it illuminated the notification you had just gotten from your ex boyfriend standing across the room, letters sewed together in a text that said, ‘hey can we talk?’

You catch the text message in the corner of your eye and Wonwoo does, too. He laughs; a deep chuckle of satisfaction that matches his tone when he says, “Preppy boy is calling. Shouldn’t you go kiss and make up?”

It’s silent for a beat. Wonwoo is infuriating in the way that he’s never gone easy on you, even the first day you had met, Sien bringing you to their table with tears streaming down your face and his first sentence to you had been a tease. He’s infuriating in the way now that he’s fully expecting you to turn around and head in your ex’s direction to talk. He’s infuriating in the way that you consider actually doing it.

“Well?” He questions, head nodding towards the man who used to occupy all your time and all your thoughts. Instinctively you turn around and make eye contact with him for the sixth time that day and his eyes are pleading, waiting. Waiting. Just like you had been sitting, waiting for him all those days and weeks while he had been running around, betraying you, lying to you- 

“Aren’t you going to go talk to your lover boy?”

“No.”

The answer leaves your lips before he can even finish his question. Truthfully you were hoping Wonwoo would look impressed, or a little surprised in the least. He doesn’t. All he offers you is a smug grin as his tongue peaks out of lips, lapping at the red lollipop a few times before he speaks, “Bullshit.”

You want to counter his cockiness but he beats you to it, adding, “Don’t string it on, sweetheart. The others will get here and then you’ll have to explain just how weak you are for your ex in front of all of them. I won’t say anything to them; you can do that yourself later. Just go back to your preppies where you’d rather be.”

Sweetheart? Weak? Where you’d rather be? Gosh, the nerve Wonwoo always had with you. You roll your eyes before crossing your arms at him, vision narrowing, “I’m not going to talk to him. I don’t want to talk to him. He fucked me over and now we’re done.”

“Really?” He questions with his eyebrows raised, but you know he’s mocking you. The boy wants to test you because he still thinks he knows you and that all his assumptions of you are right.

You want to prove him wrong. “Yup! I hate him and I don’t want anything to do with him. If I could make him see that him and I are completely done, I would.” The tone of your voice made every word come out with conviction. You wanted to make it a point that you think - no - you knew that you were done with your ex. Whatever the two of you had was completely finished after how he had mistreated you and your heart, and you needed to show that to Wonwoo. You need to show that to yourself. You wanted to prove him and everyone else who doubted you, wrong.

Ding.

Another notification. Another text message. Another attempt of your ex trying to crawl back into your life, your heart, the letters on your phone screen now fitting together to create your name in question. From the corner of your eye you can see his gaze; no longer pleading but begging. He wants to talk. The deepest, darkest depths of your heart will you to get up and listen. Your brain says to stay put. Another chuckle from Wonwoo.

“You sure you’re done with him?”

With gritted teeth, you harshly grab your phone and flip it upside down so the screen can’t mock you anymore. “I’m sure.”

Wonwoo finally looks just the slightest impressed by your reaction. But not convinced - not at all. Strangely, he gets up, says nothing as he walks around the table and sits next to you before facing you with a glint in his eye. His lollipop is wrapped around his mouth until he pulls it out again to say, “Prove it.”

This day is a bunch of firsts. The first time you’ve had a conversation with Wonwoo (albeit a negative one, but still), the first time you’ve gotten heated since you found out what your ex had done, and the first time you’ve ever seen Wonwoo so up close. Your eyes follow the creases of his lips, across his laugh lines which are - surprisingly - fairly prominent, past his nose and cheekbones and to his eyes, small but fierce and shaped in a way that has you wondering if you would’ve enjoyed looking at them under different circumstances. You try not to get yourself too caught up in the intricacies of his features and distract yourself by countering, “Prove what?”

“Put your money where your mouth is. You said that if you were able to make him see that you two were done, you’d do it. You said you don’t want to go back to him, then prove it.” The leather of his jacket squeaks a little when he shrugs.

“Wha- How am I supposed to-”

“Kiss me,” His tone is so casual in the way he says it, like every other word that he’s ever targeted at you hasn’t been spoken with condescending undertones and haughty implications. You want to keep your sassy facade but you begin to gape at him like a fish out of water, gasping for some sort of clarity on the situation. There is no way he could be seriously asking this of you when the two of you had barely established a frenemies relationship. In fact, it was more of the enemies than it is friends.

He smirks at the way you’re caught off guard (because he’s a little shit) and repeats himself while scooting closer, “You don’t have to, but as a guy I’ll tell you - if I saw the girl who used to be my everything kissing another guy after I had texted her asking to talk to her? I think I’d get the hint.”

You can’t help the way the cogs in your head turn together to make sense of what he says, even if it’s a bit out of left field. Technically, you did say that you would show your ex he no longer had a chance with you, if you were able to do so. You wonder if doing such a thing like kissing Wonwoo would give the boy across the room a big old fuck you like he deserved. Your gaze travels to the said boy, who’s eyes have changed to hold something of confusion and wonder. Was he confused at why Wonwoo had come to sit next to you? In an attempt to support or debunk your hypothesis, you scoot closer to Wonwoo, your hand finding it’s way against his jean clad knee where the frayed rips let you two meet skin to skin. 

The emotions behind your ex’s eyes shift. They’re shocked now; angry. Hurt. Those were the same feelings you felt all those weeks ago when the world came crashing down at your shoulders and your relationship went with it.

You take your attention and put it back on Wonwoo, who’s breath you can feel against your face with how impossibly close you two have gotten. He’s smirking again. Similar to moments ago when your eyes scanned over his face, his gaze begins to do the same to you; memorizing the dip of your cupid’s bow and the tip of your nose. 

The boy lets out a breath when his eyes find their way up, meeting yours. Hand on your waist. Head tilting, “Kiss me,” He repeats.

You lean forward. Your lips touch. He might have just meant a peck, just to get your ex riled up. But the way your lips fit together implied so, so much more than a peck. They move together, slotting against each other in a way that would’ve convinced anyone in the room that you two have been captivated by each other with adoration and nothing but. The thought of how mad your ex probably is begins to get buried in the back of your mind when you start to focus on him, Wonwoo, and the way that he feels. The way his right hand pulls you just the slightest bit closer even if there’s no more room. The way his left hand reaches behind your neck to cradle you in place like he wants the two of you to keep kissing for hours.

All thoughts of everything else that had been going on in your life begins to dissipate in your head as you get caught up in him. In this moment you only think one thing: Wonwoo. Wonwoo Wonwoo Wonwoo. Wonwoo in his leather jacket, Wonwoo on his motorcycle, Wonwoo holding his magazine, Wonwoo looking at you, Wonwoo holding you- It’s funny, because earlier today you were dreading Wonwoo. Now it seems like your subconscious craves him, head leaning forward as if he was going anywhere. You want to remember this; even if the future version of yourself is going to pretend like you didn’t enjoy it. So your tunnel vision goes completely there to his lips, his kiss. You make sure to note the way he tastes just so you can brand him and this kiss with it for the rest of your life. You’ll make sure to associate this taste with him forever so that every time you have another lick of it you’re reminded of this day that Jeon Wonwoo stole your breath straight out of your mouth. You memorize what your taste buds feel when you kiss him. Cherry.

[meirimerens]

If you're accepting fandom questions could we have some elaboration about those mgs jupiter family alaskan daydreams please? Also your amazing TEW art got me into the series so thanks, I'm liking it a lot!!

first of all, i’m so deeply honored that my art could get you into a game, and also : god i’m fucking sorry lol

second of all

oh god oh fuck alaskan daydreams time

okay so long /, the read mores don’t work, you’re gonna have to bear with it

so tldr i have… EXTENSIVE imaginated stories about dave, hal and sunny living in a little remote cabin in alaska. 

BACKSTORY 

i’d imagine it’d come somewhere post-mgs2 even though sunny is already a bit grown so maybe like just disregard canon OR imagine a different timeline i don’t know, and it’s from a place where hal and dave don’t have anything to do after the mgs2 incidents (so no mgs4 and love of god NO accelerated aging i can’t deal with this), and there is this atmosphere of… “we’ve been sticking together for so long, i can’t see ourselves just parting ways (plus we have a kid to raise and i can’t imagine raising her alone) so how about we make the rest of our lives together” and dave is just like… “hey, we’ve been running all across the country, jumping from shitty motel to shitty motel to shittier apartments, and i have this cabin i once lived in, how about we just all move into it and re-inhabit it” and that’s just how it starts. 

THE CABIN

it’s a cabin i have extensively thought about (because i’m obsessed with cabins and being a hermit, so that helps). it’d be near the shore of the Twin Lakes, Alaska (taken from the canon fact that this is where snake lived pre-MGS1), so they’d live off-the-grid and in almost-self-sufficiency (they become more and more self-sufficient as time goes on and they make more adjustments to the cabin). 

i imagine it would look similar to Proenneke’s cabin (which incidentally is also near Twin Lakes), maybe on the other shore, all wood with a vegetation/moss roof + a slight porch/elevation to protect the entrance from a bit of the snow. it’d be surrounded by wooden little dog kennels/crates for the huskies (more on that later) similar to the ones in [this video] around the 0:59 min mark (warning for animal death/general stuff that goes on in a trapper’s lifestyle for the vid).

it here’s a floor plan of the cabin, not to proportions because i’m just shit at it :

(good luck reading that)

not pictured : when sunny was smaller (before the addition), her bed was like a little shelf just above the big bed (that hal and dave share) with little like “walls” so she doesn’t fall and a thick mattress, which was discarded when she got her new room.

later would be added an outdoor kitchen and a chicken coop (more on that…….. later)

EATING THERE

as i said, they’d first be living in semi-dependency : every ¾ weeks they’d have to go to Port Alsworth/Anchorage or somewhere else to stock tf up. Snake would fish (you can fish for subsistence if you’ve been living in Alaska for over a year according to law) and hunt (seems to be the same type of law when hunting for food, YES i’ve researched this, leave me alone) for food. As he has done odd jobs to afford his cabin, I imagine he’d have done crabbing, and would show up to help on crabbing boats from time to time to get some of them crabs.

later, I imagine they would get 4 rescue hens to get some of them fresh eggs. snake would build a chicken scoop from forest wood. 1 of the hens wouldn’t be able to make eggs because she was traumatized from the industry but they still took her in because she was close friends with the other hens and they didn’t want to separate them. 

I imagine Snake had been growing his own herbs in the kitchen but maybe they’d get a greenhouse ready.

they’d go foraging for berries, fruits and mushrooms according to the seasons and make a SHITTON of jams and preserves.

LIVING THERE

i imagine there would be a lot of solidarity with the surrounding populations. for exemple, Hal would help set up and manage online dictionaries for Iñupiat, Yup'ik or Alutiiq languages with the local communities, maybe help wire up some schools, things like that, and as thanks some people would go check on them and give em veggies or something.

THE DOGS :

Snake is getting them.

since we don’t know what happened to his huskies around mgs1, i suppose/guess they were at some time confiscated from him, so first, he’s get a lovely husky female from a shelter (i also have long thought about how he’d never go to a breeder and only adopt, because the whole “creature created with a man’s ideal in mind” hits a bit too close for him you feel) that would later be revealed as pregnant with like 5 puppies (it will come back later as relevant as promise). Then he’d do his best to regain contact with his huskies, maybe setting up a call on social media (THIS WILL BE PART OF A BRAIN ROTTING DEGENERACY I WILL EXPAND ON IN A MINUTE) to find them again. i imagined he would get to see one of his old huskies, who has well aged, who was adopted by some nice nice people. then said nice people, after his visit, insisting on him getting his husky back because “since you left she hasn’t been herself, she refused to eat. we think she misses you too much. we love her tons and it breaks our heart to let her go, but we think she would be so much happier by your side” type of deal, i’m fucking crying just thinking about it.

of course, once his team is back in shape, he’s run the Iditarod again. Hed keep contact with hal over walkietalkie during the race. hal would jump in his arms when he crosses the finish line, the pic would circulate in the news. it’d be cute i’m saying.

THE HENS :

as I said, adopted, in a little scoop snake built himself. they give eggs. sometimes they let them roam free and they bully hal when he peels vegetables (i’ve drawn smth about this). sunny feeds them in the mornings. things are good.

MORNING ROUTINE :

Snake wakes up around 5AM because he don’t need no sleep and goes to his huskies. feeds them. then make them run. when he gets back around 8 to 8:30, hal is still asleep. snake makes breakfast. the scents wake hal up. things are good.

SUNNY?

Sunny is taught by snake how to chop wood. he makes a tiny axe for her tiny hands. he and hal teach her how to swim in the Twin Lakes. the waters cold but she grows immune to it, strong and stronger. she learns how to differenciate which mushrooms and berries are edible.

they try to send her to school but she’s WAY too advanced and is bored to death. she stays at home. she’s outside all day or she learns astrophysics with Hal, who’s taking online classes in his free time. she learns some Athabaskan languages at a community class once in a while, she makes some friends.

HOW’S THE WEATHER

They go on hikes a lot. Often, and long ones. At first, sunny is in a little baby back carrier (i have drawn about this), then she walks just right. Alaska has gorgeous national parks, they explore them, year after year. They arrive in a town, exhausted and beat, they find a hotel room. It has a bathtub and warm water. Hal is OVERJOYED.

in the earliest hints of spring, snake takes them to Fairbanks through the beautiful alaskan railroad. they see the most beautiful and powerful of northern lights during the full season. hal and sunny can’t tear their eyes from the skies.

THIS IS WHERE I GO CRAZY GO STUPID.

ok…. so bear with me.

i mentioned an internet/social media presence.

it’s because in a deviation of this daydream, snake has a little youtube channel (and an instagram to go with it).

it’s not much. it’s really not, but hal has a few cameras and more that he finds and fixes.

it’s mostly lowkey, chill vlogs. stuff like 

“slow alaskan winter day (no talking)” 

“sprintime berry picking ( + jams recipes!)”

“alaskan summer outdoor fire cookout ( + wild moose and caribou near the lake)”

“denali national park hike (day 1)”

stuff that like you know. as well as some more…

“i ran the iditarod (and won)”

“we got hens (building a chicken scoop, meeting the rescue hens and more)”

“musher’s morning routine (i’d recommend you didn’t try this at home if you are not the genetically engineered clone of a super-soldier, for your sake)”

and as you guessed…

“so our rescue husky was pregnant… (i’m an idiot who didn’t notice, trip to the vet, building a whelping pen, whelping, bottlefeeding tiny pup + all the puppies’ pictures!)”

where dave would teach hal how to bottlefeed a puppy and you’d be able to hear hal’s “oh god oh god oh god oh god”s from out of frame as the camera focuses on dave’s hands holding his to have him perfectly cup the puppy in his palm and carry the bottle. this type of deal.

then follow-up videos of the puppies climbing the bed where hal is, playing on his gameboy. he chuckles nervously and then heartily when a puppy licks his face.

some winter days, the videos have snake bringing all the huskies in the small cabin. some of them sit calmly on the wide bed where hal studies his astrophysics.

and an instagram with wilderness pictures… all except a few taken by hal. some of snake posing in front of the snowed in cabin. some of warm drinks made on winter days. you know the deal.

and they’d have such a nice… positive… lowkey and easy-going comment section. dave would reply to a lot of them. 

he’d get quite a share of “hey man, i love your vids so much, thank you for posting this content. i was wondering, sorry if it’s a bit too personal, are you and your roommate dating? you two seem very close, but i don’t want to assume anything 😅 absolutely love your content either way, you’re the only youtuber i have notifs on” to which he’d reply “thank you so much, really appreciate it. and we’re not, we’ve just known each other for a long, long time. we’re aware two straight guys raising a child and living together isolated makes for a bit of confusion, but it’s totally platonic between us. thanks for sticking around.” but one day he uploads a vid that’s like 

“crabbing in juneau ! + life update (please read description)”

and the desc + the first 20 seconds of the vid is a text superimposed over embarassing pictures of hal and it reads “hey all / quick personal update, i’ll make it quick / otacon and i realized we loved each other / (as more than friends that is) / so if we seem just a bit closer in the videos from now on this is why / no idea how this is going to turn out for up / but yeah. if he seems a bit more affectionate it’s because we’re dating now, or something like that / and to everyone whom i told ‘it’s just strictly platonic between us’:  / well. ha ha. whoops. / anyway thank you for reading / enjoy the video” and all the comments would be like “that’s so dope i’m so happy for you” and other “tbf we saw that coming” and snake would smash that like button on these comments.

and he’d have a video of the whole iditarod race as taken from a camera on his jacket/on his sled… and he’d have videos of him filming hal film the landscape through the window of the train during their trip to fairbanks… and of hal and sunny in said train sharing a tangerine… and of him building a little axe for sunny…. and he’d always ask her if she is okay with being on camera, and when she’d say no he’d make sure she doesn’t appear on here or add a cute husky sticker on her face so she’s not seen.

just lowkey. chill. upbeat. simple life moments. he’d disappear off the internet for a month because he’s just enjoying the life and when he’d come back everyone would be very understanding and glad to see some cool pictures or vids. you know? just chilling. just chilling. just living.

one day before a “hiking through lake clark national park” he has the same little life update thing and it goes “hey / so otacon and i got married / sunny and aksinya [rescued pregant husky] were our flower girls / otacon cried / i cried / anyway, enjoy the video” over pictures of the tiny alaskan wedding. and it’s well.

[whereisten]

Traces

Summary: Violet is a blossoming filmmaker with her own demons. When man of the night Taeyong comes into her life, she realizes that demons are very much real. She will have to endure the consequences of trusting the one person she should’ve steered clear from.

Genres: Romance, A Pinch of Smut, Fluff for Days, Comedy, Drama, Angst, Thriller, Horror, Fantasy

Cast: Taeyong, Yuta, OC (the bad bitch that you’ll get to know as Vi)

WARNING: Mentions of Death, Language, Alcohol, Addiction, Violence (this writing in no way represents the members mentioned, all events are fake).

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CD 1: Intro - Track 1 - Track 2

Word Count: 7.7k

It was a busy Friday night at BOSS Karaoke Bar, my dad’s place. He was out for the night and entrusted his official manager Hani and assistant manager me for the weekend while he was out of town for a bar owners’ convention in Newark.

BOSS Karaoke Bar was located smack dab in the middle of Sunset, Florida. Sunset was a coastal, metropolitan town with high rises and trains running for hours on end. Celebrities and other prominent figures resided and visited all the time so it was always a pleasant surprise to see a popular basketball player or an international music artist come to BOSS. It definitely helped business boom and thankfully, BOSS was stronger than it had ever been.

Dad built the business from the ground up from the time he immigrated to the States. He worked as a dishwasher, a waiter, and a bartender among other odd jobs until he was able to attain citizenship and attend the Sunset University for Business Administration at the age of 28. He met my mom around that time and after his graduation, mom had me and a year after that, she had Janine. My dad worked his way up in management at bars and restaurants all over Sunset. Then, he discovered karaoke when mom suggested it for one of their date nights. And well, the rest was history.

“Hey, Vi. Do you think you can take over for a bit while I make a few phone calls?” Hani asked me. No doubt Hani was going to juggle her several gentlemen callers for the weekend and she had to iron out some details.

“Sure!” It wasn’t even that crazy at the moment. I checked the upcoming reservations for karaoke for the next hour and saw that there were only two parties I needed to check in. It was 10:30 PM and sometimes there were walk-ins.

A few minutes passed when Hani returned to her post. “What do you think? Should I give Joshua or Hansol a shot?” She asked as she adjusted her sky high boots, earning an admiring look from two girls who were headed to the restroom.

I’d been through this with her several times and while it was humorous, I wanted the best for her. “You know I can’t answer that.”

Hani laughed, music to everyone’s ears. “Sure you can! I’ve been wracking my brain over it for weeks now and they’re both starting to get...on edge.”

“What…”

“Let’s just say the three of us aren’t welcome to Whole Foods for the next month.”

“Really?” I shot her an incredulous look.

“How was I supposed to know that they both liked to buy their orange juice from the same place I do?”

One of the karaoke rooms, although muddled, became significantly louder as the group all sang along to “Sorry Not Sorry” by Demi Lovato.

I thought about Hani’s dilemma. I never understood love triangles. They were fun on TV shows but in real life, I couldn’t imagine being torn between two people. Torn between two snacks at a vending machine? Yes. Torn between two movies? Absolutely. But two different people? No. I think I would just know when I got to meet that certain someone.

“Hani, if you can’t decide between the two of them, then maybe...you don’t like either of them enough to really decide?” I asked.

A group of men and women came into BOSS and approached the front desk. At the forefront was an attractive dark brown haired man with piercing brown eyes and a jawline that could probably slice me up into delicate slices if I rubbed him the wrong way. Something about him had me on edge.

Maybe it was just the jawline.

He smiled at me and my thighs pressed harder against each other. Well, that was new. It had to be a record to turn someone on with just a look.

His smile made me feel like he just ripped off my black top and slacks and he liked what he saw.

Uh oh.

“Hi,” he said. Jesus, his voice was like velvet.

“Welcome to BOSS,” I croaked. Get it together, I told myself.

From the corner of my eye, Hani chimed in, “I think you can handle this, Vi. Toodles!” She sauntered off to the employees’ lounge.

I turned swiftly to Hani. “Think about what I said!” I doubted she heard me.

The man laughed, almost like he was in on what Hani and I were talking about.

“Sorry,” I said as I reluctantly turned back to him. He was so pretty it hurt to stare at him for too long. Not like I had the nerve to do so. I felt like I would turn to stone from maintaining eye contact for too long. Once I let myself meet his eyes...he had a hold on me. I couldn’t explain it. “Do you have a reservation?”

“No, I’m afraid not.” He said as he proceeded to eye me up and down. Shamelessly.

My cheeks, typically flushed because of genetics, were blazing now. Hopefully, my foundation concealed that fact but by the trace of humor in his expression, I knew I wasn’t fooling anyone.

“Do you guys have any EXO songs?!” One of the man’s friends, a bombshell in a wine red skin-tight sleeveless number, asked me. She was buzzed but friendly enough.

I answered. “Yes, we do. Would you guys like to make a walk-in reservation? We have rooms available.”

The man nodded. “Yes, please. We would like the VIP lounge experience if that’s possible.” The VIP lounge experience included unlimited drinks and food platters of their choice. It also included up to 3 hours of the karaoke room.

Of course, they were rich. Or maybe they were just really treating themselves. Dad reminded me that there were people who were willing to pay a lot for the VIP experience and we more than embraced it for the business. “Okay, awesome. How would you like to pay?” Anxiety had me a little less than thrilled that there were 10 people that may want to split checks but the man interrupted my inner reverie.

“Under Taeyong Lee.” He pointed at himself and grinned, possessing a boyish charm in that instant.

I was thankful I had my computer as a distraction because I was about to melt under his stare. He was paying for the whole group? “All right. That will be $1,480. How will you be paying?”

Taeyong handed me his American Express black card. I took it from his hands and incidentally, his fingertips touched mine.

His conspiratorial smile never left his face as he watched me charge his card.

I printed out his receipt so he could sign the merchant copy of it. I handed him his card, the receipt, and pen for him to sign and feared he would touch me again when he handed them back. I was about to get a nosebleed, I could feel it.

He swiped the receipt and pen back across the counter to me. “Thank you.” He smiled more softly.

Well, that was a little better. I was still turned on but I wasn’t about to come in my pants. He was probably a huge flirt at whatever conglomerate he worked at because, getting a better look at him, he wore a well-fitted black suit and tie. He was a little too formal for a karaoke bar. Maybe he was coming from somewhere else? I wondered where-

“Um...Violet?” He read my name tag.

I blinked a few times in succession. “Y-yes?”

“Are we good to go?” He asked.

“Oh, yeah! Let me take you guys to your room.” I got the key to VIP Room 3 out of the secured drawer and stepped out from behind the front desk.

“Follow me, please,” I said, quickly so I wouldn’t keep questioning if Taeyong was eye fucking me.

I could feel him right behind me as we walked through the dark hall, illuminated by a subtle starlight effect and some strobe lights shining from the karaoke rooms’ windows.

We reached the VIP lounge. I unlocked the door for them and motioned for the group to enter. Once Taeyong headed in, I let out a breath of relief as the rest of his friends walked in. They were all attractive, with luminous skin and elegant clothes. They were all from high society and my guess was that they came from some charity function.

“Okay, so you guys are set. There are thirteen mics and there are three song selection tablets on the table by the TV screen. The menus are also available to you. I’ll have ViVi come and take your orders in the next few minutes. So make yourselves comfortable and enjoy!” I went through my awkward spiel, only to realize Taeyong was the only one paying attention.

Some of Taeyong’s friends yelled out “thank you” and “gamsahamnida”. I nodded as I left and shut the door. I sighed as I pressed my back against the wall adjacent to the door. I could finally process what happened. I knew that wasn’t all in my head. Taeyong was flirting.

And it probably meant nothing to him.

88

I walked back to the front desk where Hani was speaking to a few regulars. They left shortly after.

“He was interested.” Hani said conspiratorially.

“In the drink selections, maybe.” I checked my phone for notifications. I had a countdown app installed in my phone. I was two months away from attending the Thorne Gala. That sent a ping of excitement down my spine.

“Come on, Vi. I could sense the electricity.” Hani placed her hand on my shoulder.

“Some would say my awkwardness is palpable,” I shot back.

Hani rolled her eyes. “I bet he’ll come visit us before his reservation ends.”

“Oh, well that’s not fair. He’ll probably have a question about the-”

“Excuse me,” a third voice interrupted.

Like clockwork. Taeyong was back. I wondered if he meant to look at us like he wanted to hook up or if that was just a default setting for his features.

And then he smiled. I felt a sense of warmth radiating from him that I didn’t expect. I gulped.

“How can I help you?” I asked.

Hani muttered. “Eager to ask, aren’t you?”

I elbowed Hani’s side while Taeyong spoke, “I think this is yours.”

He brought his hand out to show my mood ring. The left half of the ring’s center was shaped like a crescent moon and the right half was shaped like the sun. In between the sun and moon was the gem that changed colors. My maternal grandmother gave it to me before she fell ill and shortly after passed. I rarely took it off.

Then I recalled I was fiddling with the ring in my hands and must have slipped it into my pants pocket. It must have fallen out while I was taking Taeyong and his friends to their room. That was odd. It was second nature for me to always put it back on my right ring finger.

“Oh, wow thank you.” I reached my hand out to take the ring back. He dropped the ring in my hand. I was so relieved to have it back in my grasp, putting it right back on. I glanced up at Taeyong. He blatantly stared. “I have to be more careful.”

He nodded. “You should.”

Hani lifted her eyebrows. “How did you know it was hers?”

Taeyong widened his eyes as I came to that realization.

“Lucky guess.” He shrugged immediately after but there was a trace of mischief in his eyes, if my suspicions were correct. And with that, he returned to his room.

88

A few hours went by and Taeyong’s group was the loudest of the bunch. It was to be expected. They just wrapped up an awe-inspiring performance of Ring Ding Dong by SHINee.

Hani yawned as she organized some files at the desk. I was tapping my recently done nails against the marble.

I was surprised that Hani didn’t press me about my nerves and how I wanted to see Taeyong again. The look he gave me when we asked him about my ring was an indicator of something. I just couldn’t figure out what that was.

Hani exclaimed. “Holy!”

I yelped. “What is it?!”

“Your little boy toy just showed up on my timeline.”

“My little…” I began skeptically as Hani shoved her phone to my face to show me a picture of Taeyong attached to a Korean news article she found on Tweetness.

“Lee Taeyong is the heir of Seoulmate Entertainment,” Hani explained to me. The article highlighted on Taeyong’s US adventures. Before Sunset, he was in Los Angeles. Before LA, it was Nashville. Before Nashville, it was New York City. He was a busy bee.

I gasped. “Wait, Seoulmate Entertainment? As in South Korea’s number 1 entertainment company? That Seoulmate Entertainment?”

Hani nodded. “I knew he looked familiar. I just didn’t think he would ever come to this part of the States. He and his inner circle usually go to Los Angeles. That’s the American hub for K-pop.”

“Then what brings them to Sunset?” I wondered.

“Sunset is a growing town with a lot to offer. And there was probably some shindig downtown. Did you see that Oscar de la Renta tux?” Hani’s eyes had a glimmer in them. Fashion was everything to her. She knew all of the brands and kept up with all of the latest lines. I knew the difference between a skirt and a skort and that was enough for me. 

I had no idea how Hani knew Taeyong’s tux was Oscar de la Renta. I was still processing that he was a prince of the K-Pop kingdom. If not, the prince.

Fantastic. Another intimidation factor.

Just as we were digging deeper into the Taeyong topic, we heard a crash from one of the rooms. I jumped.

Hani huffed. “It better not be one of the champagne glasses.”

We were used to hearing glass break every now and then. I never enjoyed it. In this business, though, we had to be prepared for some drunk and rowdy customers.

I left my post to see what all the fuss was about when I heard glass break again and discovered that it was coming from Taeyong’s group. A wave of dread came over me.

I opened the door carefully, hoping no one else would throw anything.

I got a good look at the room. There were two broken champagne glasses on the floor, alcohol splattered all over. One couple was making out in the corner. One group was arguing while another was singing an OST. And in the left corner of the room, Taeyong was comforting a girl seated beside him. She was completely wasted, slumped over but still breathing. Taeyong looked tense as he ran his hand up and down her back. Once he saw me, his expression darkened. Like he was caught doing something I shouldn’t have seen.

I asked, “Everything okay? I’ll have someone come and clean up the mess. I have to charge the broken glasses to your account. Please step away from the-”

“No, that’s alright. We’re okay for now...We’re leaving soon. I’ll pay before we leave. I’m sorry about this.” He tried to sound casual, shrugging, like it was just one of those days that happened every now and then. How it couldn’t be helped.

And I could tell he wanted me to leave. I could see the pleading in his eyes.

I eyed the group warily. “Alright then…”

His smile didn’t reach his eyes. “Thank you.”

I returned to the front desk. “Well, Final Fantasy and his friends are having quite the night,” I said.

“Oh? Do tell,” Hani prodded.

“It’s a party in there all right. One girl, especially, is drunk out of her wits. And there’s some drama. I wouldn’t know what it’s about but if you have the balls to go and check again after Taeyong told me to skedaddle, be my guest.”

“Sounds like Master of the Universe is hiding something,” Hani said.

“If something breaks again, I’m gonna have to do something. I don’t want to charge him for more broken property or call the cops.” I could feel the tension in my jaw from clenching my teeth.

“Trust me, he’s not worried about paying for a couple of champagne glasses. And he can make bail, too,” Hani pointed out.

That didn’t impress me one bit.

After another hour, now 1:30 AM, nothing else had escalated. When I was about to ease up, the group exited the VIP lounge. I could hear some of them arguing in Korean. Taeyong was directing his frustrations at another nicely dressed man who had the supremely drunk woman on his back. The man yelled back at him and nearly lost his balance.

Why would any of them trust a drunk man to carry a drunk woman? It was ridiculous.

Taeyong made an attempt to pull the woman off of the man’s back but the man went ballistic, exclaiming what I would guess were profanities.

The man finally dropped the girl and I was close enough to catch her. Hani was right beside me to help her up. The man was squaring up for a fight with Taeyong as he started throwing punches in the air and finally landed one neatly in Taeyong’s perfect face.

Hani exclaimed in Korean. What she said must have been along the lines of “get the fuck out”.

The man was about to throw another punch when Taeyong grabbed his fist and twisted his arm. Taeyong pulled the man to him and muttered a few things into his ear. The man slouched as Taeyong released him. The man was now silent and oddly enough, compliant. I frowned, more confused and frightened by Taeyong.

Taeyong’s disturbed demeanor shifted as he apologized to us. “I am so sorry about my friend. He had too much to drink tonight so he lost his cool for a moment. He should be fine now. We’re leaving. May I?” He nodded towards the drunk girl.

I eyed him and his friends warily. “Is she safe with you?”

Taeyong nodded. “She was a little in over her head tonight.”

“No kidding,” I replied. I winced when the girl shifted in my grasp. I needed to lift weights more often.

“I’ll drive her home,” Taeyong insisted.

“How do I know you will?” I demanded.

“What do you mean?” His eyes got a little bigger and I was even more confused about his true nature. All I saw was contradiction upon contradiction.

“I don’t know if she’s going home with someone she can trust.” As enticing as Taeyong was, I knew better than to blindly trust a pretty face.

“I’m a man of my word, Violet.” There was no trace of the humor and charm he carried when he walked into the bar.

I didn’t relent. “Why should I believe you?”

He sighed and deliberated for a few seconds. “If it puts your heart at ease, come with me.”

“What?” I asked.

“You can drive with us. Make sure Miri gets back to her apartment and I don’t take her to my sex dungeon.”

I wouldn’t put it past him to have one.

“Taeyong.” I gave him a pointed look.

“Will you?” His eyes were doe-like.

“I-“ I started.

Hani warned, “Vi, you just met the guy.”

My shift doesn’t end for another 15 minutes. And to go with two strangers? Granted, one was drunk. But as for Taeyong...

If I looked up “lethal” in the dictionary, I’d be sure to find his picture.

I wanted to make sure this girl made it home safe, though. And beneath my hostility and nerves, I hoped to get a further glimpse at the enigma before me.

I asked Hani. “Will you guys be okay to close without me?”

Hani was about to protest again but stopped. “Text me, please. Your dad would kill me if anything happened to you.”

I nodded. Hani let Taeyong and me carry Miri. Taeyong was on Miri’s right and I was on her left. She was a little off-balance considering the height difference between Taeyong and me. It was a good thing I wore my wedges today or else we would’ve looked even more ridiculous.

I looked up at Taeyong. “All right, here’s how it’s going to go. We go in my car. You give me the directions to Miri’s place.”

Taeyong raised a slit eyebrow but he accepted. “You got it.”

Hani warned, “Be careful.”

I smiled at her reassuringly, “Nothing is going to happen, except...Taeyong?”

He adjusted Miri on his shoulder. “Yeah?”

“That will be $150 for the broken glasses.”

88

“It’s bold of you to go out with a stranger, isn’t it?” Taeyong asked from the backseat. I pulled out of my parking spot in the parking garage adjacent to BOSS. He provided me with Miri’s address that I put on Good Maps.

I rolled my eyes. “This is well past my comfort zone, sure.”

“Can I go home now?” Miri asked.

Miri sat in the passenger seat. She was now more tipsy than far gone. She had long thick brown hair that fell way past her shoulders, down to her hips. Her gorgeous bronze skin was adorned by the reflection of the street lights and neon signs.

“Don’t worry. Taeyong and I are taking you home,” I said.

She grinned. “Aren’t I lucky? What happened to Baekhyun?”

I assumed Baekhyun was the drunk guy who punched Taeyong.

Taeyong replied, “Shownu took him home. Baekhyun will text you in the morning.”

Miri nodded. “Sounds good.”

I raised my eyebrows at this exchange.

I could feel Miri stare at me. “I don’t know you but...I like you.”

Taeyong chuckled at that.

My eyes never strayed from the road but I replied. “I’m Violet. I’m just making sure you get home safe.”

“Thanks Violet...Taeyong’s a nice guy...Stuck up but nice…”

Taeyong scoffed at that.

“Well, that’s what you get for wearing that suit,” I muttered after we reached a stoplight and met his stare in the rearview mirror. His eyes were sharp and alert. Like he wouldn’t dare look away from me. It sent pleasant shivers down my spine, I admitted.

Taeyong asked, “What was that?”

I blushed. “Nothing..”

Miri giggled. “Keep your eyes on the road, Violet. Or else Taeyong is gonna land you a ticket.”

I faced the road again. Taeyong cleared his throat. The light turned green again.

“So Violet...how do you know Taeyong? Are you maybe one of his…” She started giggling.

“His…?” I wondered. Was I one of his playthings?

Taeyong cut right in. “No, Miri. She’s not. We met tonight at BOSS. She works there.”

“Oh yeah! You were so nice! And you’re really pretty.” Miri said as she laid her head against the window. She fell asleep not too long after.

One long agonizing minute passed. All the while, I had music quietly playing in the car from my recently played playlist. The song was “Amigos con Derechos” by Reik and Maluma.

Taeyong exhaled like he was just as tense as I was. “So Violet, what’s your story?”

“My story?”

“I’d like to know more about the pretty stranger in the driver’s seat.”

I nearly sputtered. “You don’t mean that.”

“Oh, I do. You caused quite the scene back there. So...I’m intrigued.”

Did he really just say that?

“Oh, I caused a scene?” I asked a little too quietly.

“Yes?” He sounded unsure now that he heard how annoyed I was. It was refreshing to hear him like that. Contrary to how he seemed: confident and owning any space he existed in.

“It was you and your friends that made a mess,” I said pointedly.

“What? I paid for it.” What a response.

“Are you kidding me?” I laughed.

“What?” He was even more confused.

“Why make a mess if you don’t have to? Do you know how much of an inconvenience it is for the staff to clean what you left behind and recover the losses from those champagne glasses?”

“I paid for those and I apologized. I’m so sorry again.” He meant it.

“Your friend was a real jerk. Being so irresponsible. Not looking out for her.” I nodded towards Miri. If I could get that jerk alone, I’d give him a piece of my mind. Even if he didn’t speak a lick of English.

“Violet, calm down.” I dared to think Taeyong was nervous.

“I hate what alcohol does to people who don’t know how to control their intake.”

“Violet.”

“And your other friends? None of them seemed to care. Someone should’ve told her to slow down.”

“Violet, stop. I get it.”

“You guys should be more careful next time.”

“Violet,” he said, emphasizing every syllable, snapping me out of my reverie.

“What?”

“Calm down.”

“I’ll calm down when you wake up!” When those words left my mouth, I remembered something I wanted to shove back into the recesses of my mind.

“I’ll calm down when you wake up!”

“If I’m asleep, Violet, then I never want to wake up!”

I didn’t realize I gripped the steering wheel so hard then.

Miri whined. “Can you keep it down?”

I winced at my outburst and pulled over to breathe.

Taeyong gave me a few moments before he carefully whispered, “Violet?”

In. Out. Dr. Mendes told me to breathe.

“Violet, are you okay?” He asked.

In. Out. I felt the pressure on my chest leaving.

I rubbed my hand over my face. “Yeah. I...got carried away.”

Silence followed. “Someone to Spend Time With” by Los Retros was playing quietly on the stereo now.

Taeyong started, “You’re right, you know...About my friends and me.”

I laughed weakly. “That’s music to my ears.”

“I’m an ass.”

I played with my hands, avoiding his gaze. Embarrassed. Even if Taeyong was an ass, I didn’t think it was right of me to snap at him like that. “Go on.”

“I’m sorry.” His tone was somber. Repentant.

He sounded much closer than he did so I turned around. He leaned on the driver’s seat. My arm bumping into his hand, which he’d placed on the shoulder of my seat. Like he wanted to touch my shoulder but was smart enough not to.

Taeyong’s face was very close to mine. The frustration I felt quickly transformed into a different kind.

“Thank you,” I said, my cheeks aflame.

He smiled warmly. His sharp features softened to show a cuter and more innocent side of him. He didn’t feel the tension I felt, it seemed. And that disappointed me.

I didn’t know what was up with me. Maybe my hormones were just out of control. It was just a few days before my period. Maybe it was because I haven't been with anyone in five years.

I put the car in drive. We were back en route to Miri’s house.

“So...Do you still want to know my story?” I asked, aiming to lighten the mood.

“Absolutely,” his voice was dripping with honey.

“Okay. But in return, you have to tell me about yourself. And what happened with your pal. Baekhyun, was it?”

He went silent when I said “Baekhyun” but then he relented. “Fine.”

I began, “Well, I was born and raised in Sunset. I went away for college in Atlanta before deciding to move back.”

“Why did you come back?”

“I wanted to work on my filmmaking career and earn money on the side.”

“Filmmaking?”

I nodded. “I’ve been into filming and editing since I was thirteen. I put those dreams on the backburner when I went to college. It was my junior year when it hit me. I wanted to film. I wanted to make something I could be proud to call my own. To see my own movies on the silver screen? That’s my dream.”

“That’s great. What are your movies about?”

I answered quickly, “Love.” I was a little too eager on that delivery.

Taeyong hesitated. “Love?”

“As flawed as people are, they deserve love. And there’s just so many kinds of love. Between friends. Family. Lovers. I want to focus on the ups and downs of all kinds of relationships. I want my audience to connect with what I create. If a thirty five year old man wants a love story about him and his podiatrist, I would make it.”

“A foot doctor?” Taeyong laughed.

“Everyone has a story, Taeyong.”

He pondered. “You’re right.”

I realized that I really poured my heart out to him then and proceeded to turn bright red. “Sorry, that was a little much...”

“Nah, it wasn’t. You really lit up when you were talking just now. I like seeing you that way.”

I wanted to turn around and lock lips with him.

He continued, “I’m happy for you. It’s beautiful...Your dream. You know what you want.” He sounded almost melancholic. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say his case was different.

I coughed as Miri tossed and turned in her corner. “Thank you.”

He grinned at me through the rearview mirror. “Now you can ask me some personal questions.”

I laughed at that. “Oh, I will. So...Where did you study? And what’s your biggest dream? It’s only fair you answer these since I exposed myself to you.”

We were both stunned to silence when I realized my choice of words.

I added, “You know what I mean.” My blush was just going to be my best friend tonight. Might as well own it.

“I attended Seoul University, majoring in business administration and music composition.”

I remembered the article Hani showed me. It was no wonder he was studying both if he was going to inherit his father’s company. “That’s awesome. You’re versatile. There’s so much you can do with both majors.”

“Yeah...Honestly, I prefer music composition. My father required I major in Business Administration.”

“I see...So are you expected to take over your father’s business?”

He asked, “How did you know about my father’s business?”

I choked. “Well...Hani and I looked you up...On GoodSearch.”

“Oh?” Why did it sound like he was smiling?

“Hani thought you looked familiar so we looked you up. But don’t worry we didn’t go too deep into it. Who knows what we could uncover?”

“What are you implying?” He asked, suspicious.

“Oh, nothing at all,” I teased.

He laughed. His laugh was rich and warm. Not like the teasing laughter I’ve heard.

He continued, “But yeah, since my parents found out I was a boy in my mother’s womb, my fate was sealed.”

“That’s...intense.”

“You don’t know the half of it…”

And with that, there was another silence. What could I say to that? It wasn’t like I could relate. Plus, he didn’t seem like the type to enjoy pity.

I said, “Alright, next topic…What is your biggest dream?” I cringed. Maybe that question was too cheesy. But what other way was there to say it?

“I don’t have a damn clue.”

I gaped. “Nothing?”

“It feels like I’m on autopilot. Like I’m living by a schedule and I’m just expected to show up wherever the schedule tells me to.”

I hesitated but gave into what I really wanted to know. “You don’t want to inherit your dad’s company...do you?”

He thought about it for a moment. “I’m not sure, Violet.”

We pulled up to a high rise in North Bay Village and parked in the guest area.

Taeyong said, “Alright, Miri, you’re home! Wakey wakey.”

I tapped Miri on the shoulder and she groaned, “Five minutes, Baekhyun.”

Thanks Miri for reminding me of why exactly I couldn’t trust Taeyong in the first place.

Taeyong got out of the backseat and opened the passenger door.

I got out of the driver’s seat and stood beside Taeyong.

I asked. “How are we going to do this?”

Taeyong replied, “Let’s grab her arms and go from there.”

So we did. Miri laughed. “Guys! That tickles!” She finally stood up.

“Can you stand on your own?” I asked.

She attempted to walk and wobbled so Taeyong and I caught her before she face planted against the concrete. “If I lean on something, yeah…”

Taeyong and I gave each other a look.

“You take one side and I’ll take the other,” he said.

“Sounds good.”

We got Miri to put one arm over my shoulders and the other over Taeyong’s. “You guys are amazing. Thank you sooooo much for bringing me home. I promise to invite you guys over soon and make you some lasagna,��� Miri said as she nuzzled Taeyong and then me.

I laughed and asked, “Where are we going?”

“Miri, what floor are you on?” Taeyong asked.

“Sixteenth!” She exclaimed.

“And...you have your keys, right?” Taeyong eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“Yeah, they’re in my purse. Can you check for me?” Miri asked me.

I checked her neon pink handbag. Thankfully, the keys were there. “Yup.”

Miri yelled, elated. “To the sixteenth floor, gentlemen!”

88

We stopped at Miri’s doorstep as she fumbled with her keys. She handed them to me. “Will you be a doll and open my door?”

I unlocked her door and we brought her in.

“Jesus Christ, Miri. I thought you weren’t going to be home for another two hours!” A female voice piped up from one of the rooms.

“Sorry to interrupt your ME time, Barbara! Your solo stage. Your me, myself, and I!” She erupted in laughter. “Do you want to meet my friends?!”

“Fuck, Miriam. You have people over?!” Barbara didn’t sound thrilled.

We helped Miri to her bedroom and she plopped onto her bed.

Miri said, “Thank you guys. I’m sorry for all of the trouble…”

Taeyong shook his head. “As long as you’re okay.”

“Do you need some water or anything?” I asked her.

“Nah, it’s fine. Babs will take care of me. She owes me.”

88

Taeyong and I walked out of the high rise. As we walked back over to my car, I remembered his interrogation wasn’t over.

“So what happened tonight? Broken glasses. Yelling. A fight that almost made me call the cops on your asses.”

Taeyong met my eyes for a moment before staring off in the distance again. “Baekhyun had too much to drink and lost control. We’re not the best of friends but we run in the same circles.”

“Is he Miri’s boyfriend?”

“I wouldn’t say that. They’re pretty casual. I got pissed because he wasn’t really looking out for her like he should’ve.”

“I see…Well, you did a good thing.” I felt like an ass for thinking he didn’t care about her. He wasn’t perfect but I shouldn’t have written him off the way I did.

He put his hands in his extravagant pockets. “Yeah?”

“You were quite the gentlemen,” I admitted.

He chuckled. “You went out of your way to help a stranger. It was very noble of you.”

“You think so?”

“Now don’t act modest, Violet. You know you did a good but stupid thing tonight.”

I was floored. He was right about that.

Up until this point, Taeyong didn’t show any signs of snapping my neck and leaving me for dead. But I wouldn’t confirm that until he got out of my car when we headed back.

Taeyong continued, “You let two complete strangers into your car. A personal place...” He moved himself closer to me. “And you don’t even know me.”

“That was stupid. But...you don’t seem that dangerous to me. Foolish? Yeah. But dangerous? I don’t think so.” Oh, if my parents could hear me at that moment.

We reached my car. He paused and got a good look at me. “It’s sweet of you to think that.”

88

Taeyong sat in the passenger seat this time. He gave me his phone. “Play anything you want. Do you like K-Pop?”

“Do I? Oh ho ho let’s see what you’ve got.”

I scrolled through his Berry Music streaming app and was shocked to find SHINee’s upcoming album.

“No fucking way. You have access to SHINee’s new album? It doesn’t come out for another two weeks!”

Taeyong beamed. “Being my father’s son has its perks.”

“God, would it be okay if we listened to it?”

“My library is yours, Violet.”

We drove, heads bobbing to another SHINee triumph. We talked about what SHINee songs were our favorites and talked more about music. We liked a lot of the same artists. And somehow ice cream came up in the conversation and he admitted he had the biggest sweet tooth. It was so contradictory to his persona but I liked it. The ride back was faster, I was disappointed to realize. The traffic, unfortunately, died down real quick.

But when the last song played, the atmosphere shifted. It was a sensual song. I didn’t need to know Korean to know that. It was in Taemin’s voice. And the infamous bedspring sound effects SM was known for. And the English phrase: stay with me tonight.

The head bobbing stopped and I felt like the oxygen was quickly escaping from my car.

We reached a stop light that I knew ran pretty long so I took the chance to look at Taeyong.

I regretted it.

Because he was staring. Hard. His eyes were lustful and he gave me a half smile. He bit his lip and I wondered if we could pull over into the Target parking lot and just be wild animals.

A car beeped me out of the temptation. The stop light was green now. Eyes back on the road.

We arrived back at the parking garage. It was almost empty. BOSS was closed and everyone had gone home. I parked beside Taeyong’s Maserati and shut the engine off.

“So…” I began.

“So…” He mirrored.

“I guess this is...goodbye.”

“Yeah.” He looked sad, defeated even.

I forced a smile because even I was supremely bummed at not seeing this gorgeous specimen again. I felt like tonight was the beginning of something. What that was...I didn’t know. But I wanted to.

“Thanks for the ride back, Violet.” And he just stared at me. Kind of expectantly.

I avoided his stare. “Good night.”

“Good night, Violet.” He opened the passenger door gently. Was I crazy or was he slowly getting out of the car?

He got out of the car and shut the door.

Oh, fuck it.

I pulled my keys out of the ignition, shoved them and my phone in my front jeans pockets, and got out of my car.

“Taeyong!” I yelled. My voice echoed in the garage but I didn’t care. He was about to open his car door but I ran up to him before he could.

“What’s up?” He asked.

I got up on my tiptoes, pulled his face closer, and kissed him.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I just had to know what his lips would feel like. If there was a connection there.

Instantly, he took my face into his hands and deepened the kiss. I allowed his tongue into my mouth and our tongues were fighting it out over who could die from arousal. I ran my hands through his hair and he was caressing my upper body. He cupped my ass and picked me up off the ground. He moaned and so help me, it was the hottest thing I’d ever heard. I could feel his member rising against my pelvis. And I knew he could feel how soaked I was.

I needed air so I relinquished myself and Taeyong groaned.

Traces of my lipstick were on his lips. I giggled as I wiped them off.

Taeyong looked impatient. “Can we-“

My phone vibrated in my pocket. Taeyong, his hands very fond of my ass, glared at my phone as I grabbed it from my pocket.

It was Hani. Crap, I never texted her.

I answered, “Hey.”

Hani almost destroyed my right ear drum. “Hey? HEY?! Are you fucking kidding me? I’ve been worried! Are you okay? Where are you?”

Taeyong watched me, the lust very palpable. Radiating off of his luminous skin. The typically unflattering parking garage lights couldn’t do anything to this man.

I gulped. “Hani, I’m so sorry! I’m okay. I was dropping Taeyong off at his car. We’re in the garage.”

Hani let out a sigh of relief. “Thank God! I could kill you!”

Taeyong adjusted himself and he was getting very needy. Everything about him was.

“I’m going home now, don’t worry.” I said, lying. Half feeling bad and half wanting to hang up.

“Is he still with you?” Hani asked, not hiding her disgust and annoyance.

I froze before I let out, “Y-yes.”

“I’m just gonna take a wild guess. You’re gonna hook up with him. If not, you’re in the process...And I’m interrupting.”

I hesitated.

“So which one is it?”

“It’s the second,” I admitted.

“Oh...Oh!!!!!” Hani laughed. “So...I’m guessing he checks out then?”

I blushed. “Yeah.”

Taeyong gave me a playful annoyed look. He could hear everything Hani was saying.

Hani sighed. “Text me when you get home. Don’t stay out too late.”

“All right. Good night, Hani. And I’m sorry again.”

Hani tsked. “Just don’t leave me hanging. As long as you’re okay, I’m happy.”

“Thanks Hani.”

“Good night, purple moon.” She said suggestively, using one of my nicknames. She hung up.

Taeyong grabbed my phone out of my hands. He stuffed it in my pocket. He pulled me closer and initiated a kiss.

He was so strong and commanding with every movement. He held me tightly and securely. I knew he wouldn’t let me fall. It was like I didn’t weigh much to him. He was stronger than I imagined.

He moved his lips down to my neck, peppering it with kisses and looking up into my eyes with so much affection. And then he sucked at my neck. I moaned so loudly that I could hear the echoes. I took off his jacket and he chucked it back to the hood of his car. I ran my hands all over his abdomen. Rock solid to no one’s shock. I began unbuttoning his dress shirt and could see tufts of his chest hair peek out. I wished my hands could work faster.

And then, once again, we were interrupted. Taeyong’s phone rang. He grabbed it out his pocket while handling me with one hand.

Taeyong spat out something in Korean before he answered.

Answering, he bit out, “What?”

Whatever the other person said on the other line, it annoyed Taeyong.

He responded in Korean, leaving me confused and impatient. Now I knew how he felt when Hani called. Only I felt worse because I didn’t know what he was saying and I didn’t know what was going on.

Taeyong ended the call and he looked bothered.

“You okay?” I asked him.

His features relaxed when he looked at me. “I could kill Shownu.”

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I have to go,” he said. “Baekhyun’s being a lousy drunk.”

“Oh.” I looked down, not wanting him to see my disappointment.

He tenderly took my chin and lifted my face up to look at him. He kissed my nose. “I’m sorry.”

I sighed. “Me, too.”

He put me down and he walked me back to the driver’s seat of my car. I got in, fastened my seat belt, and turned on the engine. Taeyong hung out right outside the door, lingering.

“I guess it wasn’t meant to be,” I said, “But...it was nice while it lasted.”

“I don’t think nice is the right word,” he said as he gave you the same look he did during that SHINee song.

My throat dried up. “You should go.”

“Not until you give me your number,” he said.

I did a double take. “Really?”

“Yeah.” His sexy smile graced his well-sculpted face.

“O-okay.”

We exchanged numbers. I gave him my phone so he could add my number. He even took a picture of himself for his contact photo, making a goofy face.

I laughed and did the same when he gave me his phone. I looked at my selfie. I cringed. I should’ve just tried doing a cute pose.

Taeyong was very close to me as I carefully analyzed my photo. “Cute.”

I yelped and he laughed.

“Relax. I don’t bite...Unless you want me to,” he said.

“Ooookay! Well, here’s your phone back!” I avoided his glance. “I gotta get going.”

“Okay.” His smile softened. He gently took my hand and kissed it.

“Sweet dreams, Violet.”

;;

Intro: Epilogue

(A/N: the following conversation is in Korean so think of this as a translation)

Taeyong was cursing himself for leaving Violet to go tend to his idiot friends. And Baekhyun wasn’t even a friend and acquaintance was too nice of a title to bestow on such an unworthy person. He parked in the driveway of his beach house in Sunset Shores and entered. He went up the stairs to Baekhyun’s room.

Taeyong knocked. Shownu answered, noticing how Taeyong’s hair looked disheveled and how flushed he looked. He didn’t want to pry. He motioned for Taeyong to come in.

Baekhyun was inside, his arms handcuffed to the headboard of the bed. The handcuffs were made to keep people like Baekhyun from moving too much. “Taeyong, you little shit. Get me out of these.”

Taeyong sneered. “After what you did tonight? Nearly blowing our cover? What were you thinking?”

Baekhyun stammered. “Miri said I could so I went for it! There’s no issue.”

“I had to have someone break into the surveillance room and manipulate the footage, you moron.”

“Taeyong-“ Baekhyun started.

“You need to get it through your thick skull that we can’t afford to let anyone know the truth about us. Not if we hope to claim what we want.”

Baekhyun laughed. “What we want? This isn’t about any of us. This is about your vendetta against your ex.”

Taeyong moved closer to Baekhyun and pressed the cuffs harder against Baekhyun’s skin, causing him to cry out in pain.

“You want my protection? A piece of my wealth? Then do as I say, Hyung.” He spat the last word, knowing it humiliated Baekhyun to be subject to his junior.

Taeyong turned to Shownu, who waited for his instruction.

“Shownu, he’ll be fasting for the next week,” Taeyong said.

Shownu, not really one to display intense emotion, blinked in surprise. Baekhyun yelled, “Do you want to die, Taeyong?”

Taeyong smiled. “You should be asking yourself that.”

Track 1 (Coming Soon)

[brien-odylan]

L.I.E. (Love Is Easy)

Title: Falling in love (Part 1)

Pairing: Dylan O’Brien x Reader

Word count: 8.2k

A/N: OMG OMG OMG. I am screaming cause you all have no idea how long I’ve been thinking and writing this fic. I’m not sure how you all will fell about it, but I can honestly hope and pray that you like it. This is the first part two a three pieces series, staring our beloved Dylan O’Brien. lol It’s gonna involve some love triangle (don’t you love it?) and some angst...? Perhaps. 

Massive shout out to @disbestiles who, as always, had to deal with me freaking out about this story and the amazing @hope-stilinski for proofing. Love you girls so much!!!

NOAH CENTINEO BREAKS THE INTERNET - AGAIN.

Actor commented on Y/N Y/L/N’s photo and made everyone go crazy for a couple of hours

That Noah Centineo is up and about giving us all a heart attack with his beautiful smile and amazing soul is the understatement of the year. The 22-year-old heartthrob took internet's breath away with his wholehearted performance of Peter Kavinsky - Peter K for the friends - in To All The Boys I've Loved Before and from then on he made sure to stay constantly in our minds - and hearts.

Centineo is known for being openly active on social media, with his fun stories on Instagram or thoughtful - as well as mysterious - tweets. However, fans had something to freak out about last weekend, as Sunday the actor liked and commented on a recent photo of model Y/N Y/L/N, to the despair of the fangirls.

Hundred of thousands of replies have been recorded and when asked about it, Centineo laughed it off. “She really is gorgeous. I’m not going to deny that.” (See video below)

Of course, there was nothing from the 26-year-old model, but there are theories going on about it on the internet, theories that have left this journalist open-mouthed. But would Y/N have been having anything with the sweetheart of the moment or is it just a long shot in the dark?

There hasn’t been anything about the two of them meeting in real life and while Noah Centineo is always out and about, the same can’t be said about the model, who likes to keep her privacy and is often seen with another hot-shot, Dylan O’Brien, although neither of them has confirmed any kind of relationship between them and both say they’re only friends.

Whether or not this was just Centineo being a normal guy and complimenting a girl, we can’t stop thinking about how cute of couple those two would make! We even managed to manip our new favorite ship! (See below)

Y/N stared at the screen of her phone a few more moments before cracking up. She couldn’t believe her life had led her to this moment, one she would be featured in teenager magazines and shipped with some new actor she had never met. Of course, she knew who he was, she had watched the movies and she had to admit that he was all that everyone was saying. But had she met him? No, of course not.

Her notifications on Instagram had been blowing up for the past 48 hours, making the girl mute the app and ignore all kind of messages she had been receiving. It was a good idea, no drama, no fans throwing insults at her (something that would happen, she was sure of it), no fans asking things she couldn’t answer, no gossip magazines mentioning her on Twitter… Nothing. It was just Y/N, the bed she had been on, Netflix and some good company. That is until she got a call from her best friend begging her to read that article.

Violet had been in her life for as long as she could remember, her best friend ever since they were little girls playing on the sandbox. They might have taken completely different paths in life, but they were always by each other’s side whenever it was needed. Y/N was willing to read the article because it was Violet who wrote it. She would trust her best friend with everything in her life, even gossips the media wanted to spread.

The fact that Violet had been chosen to write something about her life was completely amusing. Sometimes, she wondered if she had told her boss they were best friends and that was why, but the truth is that she knew, for a fact, that Violet had kept her mouth closed when it came to being friends with someone as famous as Y/N and it could only be the most ridiculous coincidence in the world. No one had ever suspected anything.

With a small smile, Y/N closed the e-mail her friend had sent her and shook her head. As always, Violet had written something so close to the truth without saying anything that she couldn’t believe the way her friend had with words. She had no other way than saying it was perfect and she wouldn’t change a thing.

From: Y/N To: Violet

You know, one of these days they’ll get suspicious as to how you know so much about my life.

From: Violet To: Y/N

I’ll just tell them I stan you. I’m an obsessive fangirl. But how is it?

From: Y/N To: Violet

You know it’s perfect. Now stop freaking out, cause I know you are!

From: Violet To: Y/N

This could very well be my ship!

From: Y/N To: Violet

You are aware that I’m almost 5 years older than him, right?

From: Violet To: Y/N

Oh, sweetie… What is age but a number?

Y/N couldn’t believe what she was reading. There were times she worried about Violet living for far too long in her teenage years with all the young celebrities she had to be in touch with for her job - and for her own pleasure too -. Of course age is just a number, but there was no way Y/N would ever be with Noah Centineo. She was perfectly fine the way she was, with who she was. Even if she didn’t have anyone, exactly, at the time.

Her life was great the way it was and adding drama to it, as the comments had made sure to confirm her worries, was nothing but a waste of time.

Violet sent her just a thumb up as a reply, something Y/N knew that meant she had posted the article and Y/N couldn’t wait to see what else would be said about her after that. With a devious smile on her face, the girl opened her Instagram for the first time that week and clicked on her most recent photo, the comment Noah had left being the first one. And then she clicked on the heart next to it without a second thought.

Instantly, her phone blew up with at least five messages from her best friend.

From: Violet To: Y/N

You bitch!

I can’t believe you just did that

I’m gonna fucking kill you, Y/L/N

Couldn’t you have done it before I posted it?

I hate you so much!

From: Y/N To: Violet

I just gave you another story to write. You should love me!

From: Violet To: Y/N

🖕

The laugh that erupted from Y/N was loud and genuine. She loved messing with her best friend to the point of making her professional life a living hell sometimes.

“What’s so funny?” a raspy voice called her out, her laughter slowly dying out as she stared ahead, the once empty room now giving sight to something she quite enjoyed.

There was a reason Y/N liked to keep her life private; There was a reason she found no trouble at all in setting all her apps on mute and that reason was standing right in front of her, his wet chocolate hair dripping into the floor and slowly tracing down his handsome face, leading down past his shoulders, glistening in the fluorescent light against his chest, one she had so many times run her hands over, the marks of her nails still painting in a soft red the pale skin, dying down on the white towel poorly secured around his waist.

Y/N followed all of it in complete silence, her eyes never daring to move from the man standing in the doorway of the bathroom, his caramel eyes focused on her shallow breaths, the way her chest seemed to rise and fall in the bra she was wearing, the only piece of clothing her upper body was sporting. Her eyes had turned into a darker shade, something he could see from where he was, something he enjoyed a little too much. Her long legs, hidden under the white thick duvet, squirmed under his intense stare, her insides churning in excitement as she watched his hungry eyes roam all over her.

Dylan had known Y/N for a good three years. They had been introduced in a party Shelley had thrown and hit it off immediately. At the time, both of them had completely different lives, both of them dated and there was nothing more than genuine friendship. They were both easy people to talk to, had pretty much the same interests and even though they had super busy schedules, it was always easy to talk through messages and phone calls.

It all started to change, though, when both of their relationships went down the drain and what once was an innocent friendship saw there the chance to change into something else. There was no name to what they had, they hadn’t talked about it. A whole year had gone without it being fully addressed, but it wasn’t just a friends with benefits thing and they both knew it. It was something else, something that, as much as they liked to deny, with deeper feelings involved. It wasn’t easy to simply hide it from everyone. They had to be cautious, they couldn’t let people out of their friends' circle get suspicious, they couldn’t let anyone notice how much they meant to each other.

It was easier that way, less dramatic, more personal, something they would only share with people they were comfortable with. And yet they weren’t anything official. There was something dreadful in being in a committed relationship when they had started whatever they had. The ghosts of their pasts still lingering over them, so it was only natural to take things as they came, to move around it and see where it was going to lead them. But maybe neither of them had thought it would last this long without coming to a real thing. They had grown used to how they worked and thought that there was nothing to be talked about.

“It’s just Violet,” she shrugged it off, her brain finally snapping out of her thoughts. There was something she would never be able to do when standing anywhere near that man, and it was stopping fantasizing about him. He was like her own kind of Greek god, the personification of a sacred deity thrown into this Earth to be of her delight. There could be a thousand lifetimes and there weren’t going to be one of them that she didn’t find him handsome, no matter what. He just caused that kind of feelings on her.

“Oh,” he muttered, his body leaning off the wood, his soft steps echoing through the floor as he made his way to the girl. “I thought we were supposed to pretend we were stranded in a deserted island,” he smirked, his eyes ravishing over her exposed chest, taking every inch of her skin in, his tongue darting out of his mouth to run over his smooth lips.

“You were taking a little too long on that shower,” Y/N murmured, her eyes wide open as she watched the man walking up to her, her hands twitching in excitement to run over his torso and add a few more scratch marks to it. The hunger in his eyes was like fuel to her, burning too bright and hot that she felt it in her core, her breath fanning over her his face, now too close to her and yet too far. He was towering over the girl, his body hovering hers, not touching an inch of it, much to her dismay. “I had to keep myself entertained,” she breathed out, her lips brushing against his in a feeble attempt of toying with him, baiting him in her mercy; he didn’t buy it. Dylan knew her way too well.

“I’m sure you could have thought of better ways to do it,” he mumbled, his hand slowly tracing the curve of her neck, intertwining in her hair softly, caressing her while still running his tongue over his lips, watching as she tried to keep her eyes on his, but failing to unfocus from his mouth. “I’m sure you could’ve just…” he started once again, his hand now retreating from the hair and sliding down her arms, softly and slowly, the touch leaving goosebumps in its wake as his breath fanned down on her, her eyes now shut in anticipation. “You could’ve just joined me.”

Dylan left no time for a reply, it was never his intention. Without a single second to spare, his lips crashed down on hers, roughly and hungry, their breaths mingling and panting, the only sound in the bedroom aside from the occasional smacks of their lips. Dylan’s hands couldn’t find a home, traveling from her arms to her waist, pulling her closer to him, feeling her chest flush against his, her warmth spreading through him as a safety blanket, her legs freeing from the confines of the duvet before closing around him at the same time his hands reached her back, his fingers carefully running down her spine, the touch so gentle she couldn’t help but moan at the feeling it caused, her back arching off the bed and into him, her mouth opening in the shape of an O.

Dylan took it as his advantage, sliding his tongue into her mouth in a wet kiss, the muscle exploring every corner of her mouth, massaging her own tongue before fighting for dominance over the kiss, which she surrendered to him. Y/N kissed him in abandonment as if leaving her whole life to him, giving him everything she had, everything she would ever have.

She clutched to his neck fiercer, her fingers slipping into his hair and pulling at the roots with wanton, desperately trying to draw a moan out of him, with success. He could never get enough of that woman and she knew exactly what to do to get him going, but if he was to ever make it to their appointment, he would have to put an end to it and soon. He could feel himself coming up with excuses to his friends as to why he didn’t show up to their party already.

Gasping out for air, Dylan broke their connection, his nose running along her cheeks to her shoulders, leaving open-mouthed kisses on her collarbone, his mind reminding him of not leaving any visible mark on her skin before, finally, sucking in the skin on her chest, right above her breast, a small gasp coming out of her throat, her eyes still closed as she bit her lips together in pleasure.

“You should get ready,” Dylan murmured against her skin, his lips still taunting her endlessly.

“Can’t we just… Skip it?” Her voice sounded so broken for having to leave at that exact moment. She just wanted to spend the rest of the evening lying on that bed at his mercy. The real world could suck sometimes.

“Again?” Dylan chuckled, his face now in front of hers. “Didn’t we just skip your friend’s party yesterday?”

“And look at how much more fun we had,” she bargained, her Y/E/C eyes dark in want as she stared at him. His beard always seemed to make him look a hundred times more attractive and although it hid the beautiful moles he had, she loved when he let it grow, the feeling of it against her face was amazing, the way it burned her thighs when he ate her out indescribable. Dylan O’Brien had the power of making her turn into putty by only being in the room and he knew it.

The actor smiled down at the girl, pressed a lingering kiss to her lips and pulled away before she could get too carried away.

“Go get ready, beautiful,” he laughed walking away.

“Tease!”

Contrary to his belief, they actually left home and just in time to miss the rush hour, something both of them were glad. It was one thing to be stuck in traffic when you didn’t have much to do, but when you had a party, even if a small gathering, the anxiety of being in the same place for too long would be too much.

Y/N sat in the passenger seat, enjoying the view of the city flashing past them as the car headed south, a low song playing on the radio, keeping the atmosphere in the vehicle serene and light. Golden specks of light entered through the windshield, the last rays of sunshine of the day illuminating their skin in a golden tone, Dylan’s eyes hidden by his black ray-ban focusing on the road ahead.

She took the time to admire it all, the way his hands held the steering-wheel expertly, sliding across it every now and then, the same hands she loved running around her body, the same hands she loved to just hold and have it clasped around hers. The sunlight kissed his skin almost adoringly, highlighting his cheekbones and adding a new color to the speck of tones she had seen his face turn into. Y/N knew that if Dylan were to take off his glasses at that moment, his eyes wouldn’t be the same caramel color they always were; they would have turned into a liquid amber-color like someone had melted gold and poured into his irises. It was mesmerizing and breathtaking, worth of losing herself into them. And she had, so many times it was beyond her comprehension, but she didn’t mind one bit.

Y/N reached her hands over the handbrake, her palm turned up in an obvious sign of telling Dylan something. His right hand let go of the steering-wheel, intertwining on hers without a second thought, his face turning to her side with a smile plastered on his lips, the devotion his eyes held hidden by the dark shades he had on. It was at times like these that the actor felt like he had everything he could have asked for. Everything felt right, even if it didn’t seem like it.

There was something about the way their hands seemed to fit effortlessly, how they always had been thinking the same thing before speaking it, how they seemed to be in the exact same place when it came to their lives. It was uncanny that they should be together. Everyone had said so, from his friends to his family, always bugging him about it, saying that he had to properly ask her to be his girlfriend. A girl like that wasn’t easy to find, that’s what his dad said whenever they visited. But it wasn’t so simple. They had been ‘together’ for so long that he just couldn’t see the right way or the right time to do it. They had fallen into a pattern that their relationship was real and official, even if unspoken, even if hidden from the world.  Saying something just felt like doubting everything they had ever had.

“Have I ever told you how much I like when you bring me to Hermosa?” Her voice disrupted his train of thought, bringing him back into reality and to the car, his hand still wrapped around hers as he drove down the road, the sun barely visible in the horizon. She had perked up in her seat, something Y/N always seemed to do when she wanted to share some kind of secret. It was endearing watching her whole self light up at the idea of telling someone something she deemed intimate.

“You do?” His eyes went back to hers, watching the excitement take over her features, her eyes brightening as she looked back at him in innocence, her head tilted to the side as if she couldn’t believe he was asking her that.

“Of course I do!” She hooted. “What’s not to like? The beautiful beach washing over the shore? The pier allowing me to walk over to the middle of the ocean? The nice almost-white sand under my feet?” Y/N proposed, her fingers snapping up as she listed everything she had said. “Not to mention the fact that everything seems so peaceful every time we’re there, almost like all this craziness hasn’t reached it.”

Dylan smiled. He understood everything she was saying and couldn’t help but agree. It seemed like they were in a safe environment every time they were there, the world could fall apart and yet they would remain one. It seemed strange that a place could hold such importance to them. It made sense to him, with his teenage years spent in Hermosa, his friends, his family. It was like going home every time he needed to go back, and the fact that Y/N felt the same way meant something to him. He didn’t know what yet, but it had something to do with the fact that his chest would feel warm sharing with her all the memories he had of the place, whenever he told her something that he had done on a specific street, or how many times he had walked down the pier and stared at the ocean for hours on end.

It didn’t mind what it was or how silly it seemed to anyone else. She would listen to him intently and appreciate the fact that he felt like he could share it with her, could trust on her with bits of him that weren’t on full display. And she loved it. She loved listening to him talking, she loved picturing his younger version doing all the things coming out of his mouth. Maybe that was why she loved that place so much.

As the days went by and things went back to their normal course, there was one thing that didn’t seem to change: the fact that Y/N and Dylan could now be seen together almost every day. It was no surprise to anyone, of course, as they have admitted they were friends, but what no one could ignore was that there was something different about them, some kind of unspoken feeling that didn’t seem so perceptible before.

They were always wearing smiles in public, despite how many people swarmed over them to take pictures, their bodies were closer to each other, their hands slightly touching and brushing against one another more often than not. To the whole world, it could mean nothing, but to teenage magazines and fangirls, it could be the information they all needed to start the rumors.

After what seemed to be a long and agonizing day, all Y/N wanted was to just cease all communication with the world and head home, get in the bathtub and and have a long and relaxing bubble bath as she tried to get her mind of all the things that had been told her that day, all the dates, names and meetings she had to memorize. And while there was nothing more than the feeling of having a good rest on her mind, there was one more thing she had to do, but it could never be considered a job for her.

The door to the small coffee shop was pushed open and in went a heavily dressed Violet, a gush of air following her as the journalist scanned the place in search for her best friend. Shrugging the coat out of her shoulders, Violet made her way one of the tables in the back, her eyes keeping contact with the girl sitting there as she sipped on her latte carefully, blowing some of the hotness away before she could put the cup to her lips again.

“I swear I’ll never get over this cold,” the girl said when she finally reached her friend, her coat now hanging in the back of the chair as she plopped herself down ungracefully, her feet kicking the table legs. “The main reason I came to California was to get rid of it.”

Y/N chuckled lightly, her hand pushing a cup of hot chocolate towards the brunette, her eyes rolling as she watched the journalist shake the gloves out of her hands and hug the warm cup as if all the warmth in her body depended on it. The temperature had dropped significantly that day, something no one was expecting in the late days of October, but by the way Violet was behaving, it almost felt like they were leaving in the new glacial era. Y/N knew her friend wasn’t keen on the cold and her core temperature must have been a little higher than most people, but she was being a little bit too much.

The model shook her head and sipped on her latte one more time, a smile never leaving her face as she watched her best friend straighten up her back and take a deep breath as she felt herself getting warmed up by the hot drink going down her throat.

“As much as I would love to spend the rest of my evening with you,” Y/N started, her fingers drumming against the plastic cup she had been holding. “I know this is not a friendly meeting, Let,” she smiled. “Your bosses want something, right?”

Let chocked on her drink, her eyes tearing up as she coughed and tried to regain the breath she had lost, her right hand hitting against her chest in a feeble attempt of getting better sooner. She knew Y/N would have guessed something of the sorts and she wasn’t wrong, but the fact that she had been so open about it like there was no other possibility for their meeting had caught her by surprise. Maybe Let wasn’t so smooth about it as she had thought.

“I know you, Let,” Y/N giggled, her hand reaching across the table and touching her friend’s arm in a reassuring way. “It’s not like I think you’re using our friendship, come on. I just know you had an ulterior reason to be here today. I don’t blame you.”

The journalist took a deep breath, a small apologetic smile on her face as she turned her head to her best friend. There was no point in lying to her, not after everything they had been through, not after all the years they had known each other. If there was anyone she could always come out and be honest, it was Y/N Y/L/N and she knew it.

Her job required her nagging and digging the dirty of the famous Hollywood people, mainly the ones that had their fanbase composed majority of teenagers and young adults. Unfortunately, it included Y/N and both girls knew what they were up to when they signed up for the lifestyle they had chosen.

“Ok, here’s the thing,” Let started, her body leaning over the table as if she was about to tell a secret, her voice dropping significantly low. “There have been some pictures of you and Dylan going around for the past few weeks and everyone is going nuts. You won’t believe how these people think your life is their business,” she rolled her eyes.

“I think I know how it is,” Y/N smirked, her cup raising as if in a toast.

“No, you don’t. It’s so much more than you can imagine,” Let shuddered. “Anyways, the fact is: they won’t stop until they figure it all out and while I’m here to, officially, get something out of you, I’m also here as your best friend to alert you there are some reporters that are trying to trick the both of you into admitting it. I don’t know how it’s gonna go, but it’s gonna happen.”

Y/N took a deep breath. She couldn’t understand why those people were so invested in her life, why they wanted to know so desperately whether she was dating Dylan or not. She didn’t have the answer to that question herself. It was a complicated thing that neither of them had addressed yet and while it seemed like things had escalated for the past few weeks, no one had said anything about it being official or not.

All the circus the media had been planning around her life certainly didn’t help it and the fact that Violet was there to tell her that meant that they were really interested in what’s happening. It wasn’t like they had anything else to do, right? Not like there were far worse problems in the world. What had happened to people being free to do whatever they wanted to without being judged? It had never applied to her or anyone else in the same position as her.

“I’ll tell them nothing’s going on, of course,” Violet said interrupting the girl’s thoughts. “I mean, I would never tell them anything you don’t want me to, Y/N/N, and you know that. I just had to come here and act as if I was doing my job so they wouldn’t get suspicious.”

Y/N nodded, her eyes still not focused on the girl in front of her. “It’s not like I would know what to tell you, Let,” she sighed.

The tone of defeat was evident in her voice, something Let had never seen before. Y/N had always been so bubbly and happy, taking things as they went and never thinking too much about it. That’s how she had ended up in that kind of relationship with Dylan in the first place.

Upon seeing her best friend so lost and her eyes still no focusing on her, Violet knew that there was something going through Y/N’s mind, something she hadn’t let out yet and it was consuming her.

“What happened?” The journalist pressed, her hand reaching for her best friend’s, squeezing it tightly in a soothing way of saying she could open up and tell her.

Y/N took a deep breath before looking at the girl she had known for almost all her life. There was something pressing on her chest, something she couldn’t quite tell what it was, something she felt changing in the past few weeks, but she couldn’t understand it.

“Y/N/N, I know something is up, so if you feel like you can’t tell me, to the hell with it. You know you can trust me. You know I’m here for you whatever it is.”

“I don’t know what it is,” she finally admitted, her eyes looking lost in thought as she shook her head. “I don’t know, Let. I just feel like I’m completely lost in my emotions. It’s all over the place and there’s this agonizing pressure in my chest as if someone was trying to prevent the air from entering my lungs. And it’s all gone whenever I’m with Dylan, ok? It’s like I can breathe properly, like the day is so much brighter and the skies are suddenly blue. I smile a lot more, everything is beautiful. And I hate it. Oh God, how I hate it.”

There was a moment of silence before Violet looked at the girl, her eyes burning into the side of Y/N’s face, trying to keep her façade for a little bit longer, but it was impossible. That was when the laughs came out of the journalist, her mouth opening in a fit of giggles escaping from her throat.

Y/N looked at her in bewilderment. She had just told her everything that had been going on with her, all the weird stuff she had been feeling and that was how Violet would react? Laughing loudly at her while dozens of people stared at them? Some best friend she had gotten.

After what felt like an eternity, and several attempts of shushing the brunette down, she finally came out of her stupor, her eyes tearing up a little bit at the sides, her breathing erratic and her fingers a little shaky as she tried to wipe some of the tears that had managed to escape.

“Oh my God, Y/N/N, I love you to death, but damn, you’re so thick sometimes,” was the first thing to come out of her mouth as soon as she regained the ability to speak. The look of confusion the model gave her had her shaking her head one more time. “You like him!” She explained.

“Of course I do!” Y/N rolled her eyes. “I think we’re way past that now, Let.”

“No, no,” Violet interrupted her. “You don’t get it. Of course you like him, you’ve been friends for years. What I mean is... You like like him. You’re in love with him, Y/N, and it’s so obvious, so goddamned obvious and you don’t see it.”

Whatever it was that Y/N thought was happening to her, it wasn’t it. How could she have been so oblivious to the way she felt about Dylan? How could she reach the point in her life that she couldn’t recognize what she was feeling?

The realization of her new found emotions for Dylan was just too much. How could she fall in love with him? How could it have happened out of nowhere?

“Stop laughing!” Y/N screeched, her hands now covering her face as she shook her head non-stop. When had it happened? “It’s not funny.”

“Well, I think it’s hilarious,” Violet admitted, her hands folding in front of her chest as she watched the girl in front of her scan her brain for signs of it happening before. “I love the fact that you’re so deep into this guy that you didn’t even see yourself falling for him. Can’t blame you, though. He is gorgeous and super sexy. Not to mention the fact that he’s fun.”

“Violet! We’re having a serious conversation here. Can you please concentrate?”

“Ok, ok,” she took a deep breath. “I’m here for you now.”

“When the hell did it happen?”

That was the only thing that was on Y/N’s mind at that moment. She wasn’t going to spend her time trying to prove Let wrong, she wasn’t going to come up with excuses as to why she was acting that way. It was true. She had fallen for him without realizing it, she had let all her guards down the first minute she met him and it was only obvious that it had happened. But why now? Why after so much time? Why when she felt like she couldn’t say anything without ruining whatever they had?

“I don’t know,” Violet said. “You tell me. When did it happen?”

If Y/N were to be totally true to herself, she would say it had happened the moment she met him, the moment she walked into the party Shelley was having and saw him in the back of the room, his head thrown back, his eyes closed and his mouth open as he laughed at whatever his friends had told him. He looked so genuine and out of worries, his face scrunching up in the most adorable way whenever he smiled or laughed. His voice carried away and entered her ears and she thought she could hear him talking for days on end, not once growing tired of listening to him.

She wasn’t going to lie. That was one of the main reasons she walked up to him, her breath caught in the back of her throat, when he was in the kitchen pouring a ridiculous amount of vodka in his cup. She knew it was wrong, she knew she had a boyfriend and most likely she had a girlfriend either. There was no way such a guy was single. But they hit it off so innocently, bonding over small things they had in common and from then on, they could never stop talking to one another.

Maybe she always had second intentions, her subconscious already knowing they would get along so much and eventually fall in love, but it had forgotten to warn her. Everything seemed so natural and light-hearted when it came to Dylan that she never saw it coming and now that it had exploded right in front of her face, she didn’t know what to do.

“To be honest?” She whispered. “I think it was always there, but it only came to light a couple of weeks ago.”

The inquisitive look on Violet’s face was all it took for Y/N to sigh and shake her head. It was time to explain what had happened that day in Hermosa Beach...

The party had died down already when Y/N took a seat next to Dylan on the couch, his arm lazily draping around her shoulders and pulling her closer to him, a drunk smile on his face as he stared at her.

“Hey, beautiful,” he said in a low voice, his eyes piercing into hers as she stared right back at him, a small smile on her face as she took in his appearance. He seemed a little bit agitated on the car like his mind was running a million miles per hour and he couldn’t focus, but now, seeing him chatting with his friends, seeing him laugh, drink and relaxed, she felt like he was finally himself and all her worries had vanished. “I missed you,” he blurted out.

Y/N bit her lower lip, containing the smile that seemed to live in her face ever since they walked into the party. Everything had been different that night, with them being able to act as if no one was seeing them, all the lies and acts put aside.

Dylan’s friend had been nothing but nice to her, making her feel like she belonged, including her in evert conversation they were having, telling her stories of young Dylan that she didn’t know yet only to have him rolling her eyes at them and pulling her closer to him, whispering how he would kill them into her year, only to have her laugh at him and shake her head. It wasn’t like the public moments they had had, it felt like they were back in her apartment and no one could see them. She liked it.

“I was just in the kitchen,” she smiled, her left hand intertwining with the one of his that was hanging on her shoulder, their fingers knitting together expertly like they were supposed to stay that way.

“Well, it took you too long,” he whispered bringing his head closer to hers, their foreheads touching, noses bumping slightly. “You’re not leaving my sight again.”

The girl smiled at him, her lips coming dangerously close to his this time, a small breath escaping her before she connected their mouths in a small kiss, her lips unmoving over his, the smile still present.

“Is that a promise?” She breathed out.

But before Dylan could say anything, before he could let go of the cup he had been holding on his right hand, someone else beat him to it and clasped their hand on his, pulling him up the couch, a smirk on their face as they stared at the moment they interrupted.

“Come on, Dyl, you were picked to start it,” the guy said, his hand passing a microphone to a dazed and confused Dylan, his hands holding the object out of reflection.

The actor looked around trying to understand what was going on, the smile on Y/N’s lips widening as she saw what was about to happen.

“If any of you put Wannabe, I’ll love you forever,” the girl announced, the look of betrayal now evident on Dylan’s face as he looked at her shaking his head.

“If any of you do it, I’ll kill you,” he threatened, his voice slurring a little bit, not carrying any danger, and gave a pointed look at a giggling Y/N, telling her she would regret it later.

“Come on, Dylan,” one of the girls shouted from the back. “Do as your girl pleases. Woo her with your amazing vocals.”

Dylan rolled his eyes at all the remarks, his head shaking as he turned to the screen and typed the song he was looking for. There was no way he was going to give them the pleasure of singing what they wanted. Instead, before anyone could interrupt him, he turned to Y/N and winked, the first accords of the guitar ressonating through the sound system and instantly entering her brain, her eyes widening as she recognized just what song he had picked.

“That’s right,” he said in a smug way when everyone saw the look on the girl’s face. “I know exactly what my girlfriend likes.”

She heard it. She heard the word he had said and didn’t feel like correcting him. There was something about the way it rolled out of his tongue and entered her ears that felt perfectly normal, as if he was meant to direct that word to her, to call her that. And she liked it quite a lot and hoped to God that the fact that he was drunk didn’t mean anything, that he still wanted to address her like that when he was sober.

As soon as the first words to the song started, her attention went back to the music and the tall brunette standing in front of her, the lyrics rolling out of his tongue with expertise as he had listened to it countless times before singing it to her. Maybe it was true for the amount of times she had played it in the car when they were driving with no destination. Maybe he chose it because she liked it and it didn’t mean anything, but as soon as he looked into her eyes and sang her most favorite part, she prayed it wasn’t the case.

She wanted it to be real, she wanted him to tell her exactly what he was singing, she wanted him to fall in love with her. And there was a small possibility that he already was, but she couldn’t be certain without talking to him first. And that scared her a lot.

“So he sang Falling in love while his friends were there and you still don’t know if he feels the same way about you?” Violet blurted out, having been quiet for far too long after listening to the story Y/N had just told her.

“Well, it’s just a song,” the model defended herself.

“It’s just your favorite song from your favorite band, one that goes on and on about how a guy could fall in love with a certain girl and says that every day should be a new day to make her smile and find a new way of falling in love, Y/N! Are you really that oblivious or are you doing that to annoy me?”

Y/N looked at her friend for a few seconds before sighing, her head falling against the table as she thought about how stupid she had been in the first place. She couldn’t understand how she hadn't seen it all before, how she had  left it all slip through her fingers. Thankfully, not too late, but that was a wild guess.

“Ok, here’s what you’re gonna do.” Violet started. She wasn’t going to sit around and not say anything anymore. “You’re gonna go home and think about everything. Reevaluate this relationship of yours and come to a conclusion: do you want more? You don’t need to tell me, but you gotta stop playing tricks on yourself, Y/N/N. You love him and it’s pretty obvious he loves you too. Shouldn’t you all stop pretending there aren’t any deeper feelings and just admit it to yourselves?”

Everything Violet had said that day hadn’t left Y/N’s mind for a second.  All she had done ever since their conversation was think and think a little bit more about everything she had been living, trying to see if her feelings for Dylan were real or not and the conclusion she had gotten to was that they, indeed, were.

There wasn’t a single moment she didn’t wish they could be together, even if just sprawled on the couch and watching a movie. She didn’t care if he were too exhausted to do anything, she just wanted to be able to feel her presence around her, to feel his strong arms wrapping around her and cradling her into his chest. She wanted to hear the faint thud of his heart beating against his chest, feel his hands running through her back.

Y/N often found herself staring at Dylan’s face, admiring the small constellation of moles he had adorning his pale skin, the way his beard failed to grow in some spaces, the way his lips seemed to protrude a little bit, how his eyes would change colors depending on the light, going from a rich whiskey-color to a light amber.

But addressing her feelings, letting them be known was something completely different. She had admitted it to herself and that was a huge step, one that shouldn’t be taken so close to the end of the year, when everything seemed so much hectic.

When Y/N opened the front door of her close that December evening, she didn’t expect to be engulfed in the warm air that hit her face, or the smell of something she couldn’t quite detect in the oven, even less the candlelit lights that seemed to enlighten the apartment.

Delicately, she stepped into the living room, her eyes trying to adjust to the low glow of the fire coming from the candles scattered around the place, her purse thrown into the couch as she took her shoes off. She wasn’t worried about what could be happening at her own place, as she was certain it had something to do with the mop of brown hair running around her kitchen, his hands holding a pan carefully enough to not drop it. She didn’t know, however, what he had planned.

Her steps, light enough to not be heard, led her to the kitchen, stopping right under the threshold, her shoulder leaning against it as she watched the man maneuver his way around, always securing everything with his two hands before letting it go silently on her counter.

The smell coming from the oven was delicious, her mouth salivating at the thought of the homemade meal she was about to get that night. It was nice watching him feeling so comfortable around her kitchen, knowing exactly where everything was and where he should reach as if he was part of the house.

Y/N had come to the conclusion that she could keep looking at him for days and never get tired of it. There was something about him that made her entice, under his spell and it was very much likely because she was in love with him. There was no denying.

Dylan had already noticed her standing there, her eyes glued to his figure as he tried his best to not spill anything on her white tiles. He liked the attention he was getting, her gaze on him causing a warm sensation to spread across his chest.

Setting the final pan aside, Dylan turned to the girl and smiled, his arms crossed in front of him as he waited for her to snap out of her daze, a smirk playing on his lips when she shook her head at him.

“Don’t say a word,” she warned, her index finger pointed at him as she made her way to where he was.

“I wasn’t planning to,” he said back, pushing the girl against his chest and closing his arms around her, kissing her plump lips before any of them could do anything else.

Y/N didn’t know if it was because of her feelings, but there was something else in this kiss. It was simple and short-lived, but she could feel he was trying to say something, with the way his lips lingered a little bit longer on hers and his hands grasped her sides tightly.

“Hi,” he said when he pulled back, their faces still close enough so he could feel her breath fanning against this skin.

“Hi,” she smiled, her arms circling around his neck, her fingers playing with the small hairs he had in a soothing way, his eyes shutting close at the feeling. “Didn’t know we had planned something.”

“We didn’t,” he shrugged, his eyes boring into hers, his tongue darting out of his lips and running over it. “Just thought it would be nice since you’re leaving tomorrow and won’t be back until after the holidays.”

A wider smile spread on her face at that moment. All the doubts she thought she could have had suddenly disappeared and there was only Dylan now. The rain clouds had dissipated.

“And that’s when you leave sir, so tell me… How is that fair that I can’t retribute the favor?”

“Who said you couldn’t?”

And it was seeing him there, standing in the middle of her kitchen with his arms around her, his eyes piercing right into her soul, that she knew she had to tell him everything. She knew that it was never one-sided.

To be continued…

Taglist:  @disbestiles , @hope-stilinski, @mf-despair-queen, @belleknows, @savage-stilinski, @centxneo, @golddaggers, @thebeardedcentineo, @apkavy, @inkstiles, @mrs-mitch-rapp93, @mrscutiefandobhaz, @mischiefandi, @akumakoronso

[ohmytheon]

Press F

Day 2 for @shigarakiweek: Teamwork

Summary: Keep your enemies close - and your online friends willing to play the support and healer positions even closer. (AKA: Shigaraki unknowingly took Kaminari under his wing while gaming online when he was fifteen, but neither one of them actually bothered to figure out who the other person was and instead became sorta friends.)

Notes: Although this can very much be read on its own and I might write more for these two dumbasses, technically speaking, this is a prequel to Reconfigure and a spoiler for Chapter 24, although it's not a huge deal of the fic. This is pretty cracky, but I'll be damned if it's not one of the funniest things I've ever imagined. I've got a bunch of ridiculous headcanons. I didn't know it was Shigaraki Week this week until this morning, so when I saw the prompt for today, my brain went into over-drive. Hey, I guess I can knock something off my To Write List now? Also, apologies for not being like a ton of thought into Shigaraki's gamer name, but hey, I did my best in the thirty minutes I wrote this.

                                                         - - - - -

ThePalebloodStrider: you up for a few rounds?

TazerBlazer: yeah man i got school tmrw but lol fuck it

ThePaleBloodStrider: you’re an idiot

TazerBlazer: hey my grades aren’t that bad TazerBlazer: also i’m not the one with the creepy ass s/n :P

ThePalebloodStrider: it has meaning

TazerBlazer: yeah lol ok edgelord

ThePalebloodStrider: god you’re such a kid

TazerBlazer: bruh you been know TazerBlazer: we gonna do this or what?

Shigaraki peeled his gloves off to rub his temple. He hated wearing gloves when gaming - they totally messed with his dexterity - but Kurogiri said he couldn’t get another controller for two months if he disintegrated another one. His suggestion to wear gloves had been met with a lot of complaints and stomping around on Shigaraki’s part, but in the end, he’d dug a pair of gloves out of his nightstand and jerked them on with even more grumbling.

It wasn’t his fault that controllers were made to be held with all five fingers or that people online were such fucking idiots. Did these assholes even know how to play? They were wasting his goddamn time. Of course, if he stuck with simple RPGs, then maybe he wouldn’t have so many problems, but he had a viciously competitive side that craved destroying actual people instead of just computer NPCs. There was nothing quite like lording a top-ranked position in multiple rounds over others. Even his teammates got frustrated when he was infinitely above them.

He didn’t know why. They should be grateful since they were so pathetic and dumb. He wasn’t insulting them if it was the truth.

Tazer was different. He had been able to tell right off the bat due to his mic and playing style that he was younger than him, but he was infinitely helpful. Shigaraki wasn’t immature enough to not recognize the signs of someone that would be good in a party. There were a few people that were good at playing roles on a team. He was a leader, but a leader wasn’t a leader unless they had a follower. Tazer was chatty as fuck and tended to make impulsive decisions, but he was also reliable and a great team player.

A dumb, annoying, little shit, but happily willing to play the part of a healer and offer support in every campaign and game they played together, so Shigaraki would take it.

As the game loaded, he idly scratched his neck before remembering to Not Do That and then put his glove back on. Today had been frustrating. Okay, so he was sixteen, but he wasn’t a kid. He was fucking sixteen. There was no need to treat him like a child. Why couldn’t Sensei see that? It was like he flip-flopped between forcing Shigaraki to learn incredibly hard and brutal lessons and then acting like Shigaraki wasn’t capable of doing shit. He was ready for some real fucking action, but no, Sensei said that he had to wait. He was still learning.

It was hard to feel like he was being taught when all he felt was trapped. He knew the world wouldn’t actually want him, so he stayed inside. What little communication he did have beyond Kurogiri, Sensei, and a few of the villains that worked under him was online. And it would always stay like that. That little brat Tazer wouldn’t be so friendly with him if he knew what Shigaraki was actually like. The whole attachment was fake, but it paid off. It wasn’t real. It wasn’t-

“Aha! I got the mic to work. I thought I shorted it out.”

Shigaraki readjusted his headset. “Again?”

“Hey, hey, don’t get on me about that. Didn’t you say this is like your tenth controller?”

It was his fifteenth, but luckily Kurogiri didn’t know about at least six of them. He also didn’t know that Shigaraki might pickpocketed a few of the men that came to visit Sensei over the years. If they weren’t going to take care of their personal property, then what did it matter? Yes, he got a personal allowance that he kept very good track of, but he got in trouble for damaging stuff constantly.

And getting in trouble with Kurogiri was one thing, but with Sensei? Displeasing him was...unsettling. It was perhaps the only reason Shigaraki hadn’t argued with him more over things, especially since the fight that left him severely injured. He was recovering, which was why Shigaraki wanted to do more for him, but no, they had to stay quiet for now.

He had to be good - which meant no more destroying stuff in a temper tantrum.

“Whatever,” Shigaraki shot back. “You need to learn how to control your quirk more.”

“I am!” Tazer insisted. “I’m getting real good at it. I mean, my parents get onto me all the time because maybe I fry a few things once in a while, but I can even charge my own stuff now.”

“You’re using all your brain cells to charge up your electronics.”

“Well, you’re using all yours to be an asshat,” Tazer laughed.

Shigaraki furrowed his brow. No, he used his to be smart about shit unlike most people online. Okay, so he was probably an asshole too, but he didn’t need his brain for that. He could be one simply because he was better than most people on here. He liked to come up with strategies and plans, which Tazer dutifully followed for the most part. Young as he was, he liked being helpful, and he liked winning even more. At least he recognized his leadership qualities.

It wasn’t bragging if he knew he was smart. Tazer had been astounded that Shigaraki figured out he had an electricity quirk, but honestly, it was a no-brainer considering his gaming tag. Plus, he always felt like people with electricity quirks had more energy. Maybe that was why Tazer never seemed to have any issues staying up at all hours of the night gaming despite having school the next day.

When their game finally started to load, Shigaraki relaxed. The other team was filled with players holding high ranks. Man, it was going to be good to smash them. Nothing quite like taking down a few egos. Someone could play fifty times more than another player, but timing playing would never beat natural talent or inherent skill. It was why he stuck with Tazer. The kid played using instincts.

“Oh!” Tazer exclaimed excitedly. “Did you see the trailer for that new Godzilla movie?”

“There’s another one?” Shigaraki scoffed. “What’s this one? Thirty?”

“Don’t knock it, bro. It looks awesome! I’ll DM you the link.”

“I’m not gonna watch it.”

Tazer blew a raspberry. “Just watch it!” A notification popped up in the corner of his screen alerting him to a message with half of a YouTube link showing. “You’ll thank me later.”

“I doubt it.” Shigaraki would watch it later, but he might not admit it for a while. Let the kid hang a little. It was good to starve people of immediate validation - made them more patient. At least that was probably what Sensei thought. He could probably stand to work on his patience more, but he was getting better. He hadn’t thrown a fit the last time his connection had lagged while playing.

“E3 is coming up, so you’ve got a site to stream that, right, ‘cause-”

“Hey, kid!” some asshole from the other team named TopAlpha1321 barked. “You gonna ramble the entire game like a dweeb? Shut the hell up!”

“Stop being such a bottom,” Shigaraki snapped before muting the guy. He could see his name light up as he went off, but nothing could be heard.

“Eh? But his name says ‘Top’?” Tazer paused thoughtfully. “What’s a bottom?”

Shigaraki choked and held the mic of his headset to keep from being heard. Oh, shit, he knew that Tazer was a few years younger than him, but sometimes he forgot how much of a gap in information about shit there could be between their ages. Truth be told, he only knew about the term because of listening to chatter while gaming and accidentally stumbling across a very reprehensible site that nearly made him disintegrate his computer, but Tazer was dumb enough to look it up and-

Tazer laughed. “I’m just fucking with you, dude! I know what that is. I’ve got the internet.”

“You’re too young for that,” Shigaraki admonished, half out of shock and half in irritation for being tricked. Tazer might’ve been younger and a dumbass at times, but he could be a clever, little shit too when he wanted to be. It was probably why they worked so well together.

“What are you? My older brother?”

“Shut up and follow me.”

“Copy that, Captain.”

Shigaraki didn’t know why he put up with him. Oh, wait, that’s right - because the kid was quick as shit and always seemed to know when he needed back-up or to be healed. Maybe he wasn’t the best shot and he couldn’t tank for shit, but damn if he wasn’t sharp in that respect. People naturally good at support roles were not to be knocked. After all, a party couldn’t be complete or well-rounded without them. When it was time for him to take over and lead in Sensei’s stead, he’d made sure that he had a good team.

[fizzyxcustard]

Invited by Fate (2)

Summary: Every year Fate holds a ball, inviting all of those people who have yet to meet their true love or who have somehow missed their previous chance. Fate intends to put all the guests back on track in meeting their soul mate, whose name appears as a gold tattoo on their wrist. At the strike of midnight, if you have not met your intended, you will not get the chance again.

Warnings: Bad language, violence, smut…bit of everything. But this story is still in progress, so warnings will be introduced as each chapter is written. First person perspective with a Thorin pairing, but all other readers/bloggers will be introduced.  

Fandoms: The Hobbit/Lord of the Rings, Doctor Who, Marvel, Labyrinth, Once Upon a Time, Supernatural, Strike Back, North and South…whatever readers request.

Pairings: Blogger x character inserts. This story intends to take requests from readers and pair them with their favourite fictional character. Requests are still open for pairings. Send me an ask with your name, a short description of yourself and the character you choose to be paired with. I will try and incorporate as many bloggers into this story as possible.

Masterlist here

Comments/Notes: To be tagged for notifications, message me or send an ask. Those who make an appearance: @mechromancing-cinnamon-roll

Follow Forever tag list: @shikin83 @deepestfirefun@houseofrahl@nowiloveandwilllove @mynameisnoneya1991@blankdblank@captainrainbowpanda @cd1242 @c-s-stars @thorins-magnificent-ass@patanghill17 @trees-and-ink @inumorph @leah-halliwell92@greendragonette@msjava1972 @thequeenoferebor @ghostlyandee @bespectacled-bunny@raindancer2004 @dottiechan @captain-almighty @hobbitlover23@catthefearless @epicallychrissy @nelswp @adaliamalfoy

 Invited by Fate tag list and all those who have requested pairings: @cd1242@bespectacled-bunny @mechromancing-cinnamon-roll @tigereyesf @autobot-fangirl-101 @nowiloveandwilllove @c-s-stars @justballoonfishthings@phantomxqueen3 @mynameisnoneya1991 @fentah @speakfriendandlovebucky@xxdragonagequeenxx @inhabitant-of-the-void @deepestfirefun@thatgirlunderarock @nobodys-baby-now @babybarrie@chloeparadis1307 @online-imagines-reader

A tap came to the door of the room I was in. A middle aged lady wearing a typical maid uniform and apron came in, smiling at me. Her dark eyes were so happy behind her silver rimmed spectacles. “Everyone is expecting you downstairs. The ball is about to begin,” she told me. Even her voice sounded jovial, full of sheer happiness. I couldn’t help but smile back at her, feeling entranced by her presence. A peace overcame me, and I knew that my life was about to change drastically.

“Who is Thorin Oakenshield?” I asked, studying the finely laced gold writing around my wrist.

“My dear, he is your soul mate!” the maid said loudly, almost laughing. “That is why you are here. Did you not know? Fate presents this ball each year, inviting those who have waited their turn patiently to be united with their true love. Sometimes through unforeseen circumstances and mistakes of the Creator, people can be pulled apart from their intended companion. I believe I’ve seen Thorin already, and you will not be disappointed. However, this ball is not only to seek true love, but to be united with friends who may have slipped past us along life’s way. Enjoy tonight that is all we ever ask of you.”

The maid opened the door for me, giving me a  smile as i exited. “Follow the hallway to the very end and then there’s a staircase, just follow it down and you can’t miss the ballroom.”

“Thank you,” I said, feeling my nerves begin to get the better of me. I inhaled deeply, trying to compose myself.

“You’ll be alright,” the maid said softly. “Tonight is for you; it’s the turning point. Now go, Thorin is waiting.”

“How will I know who he is?” I asked.

The maid smiled again. “You’ll just know.”

As I walked out of the room, looking down the hallway in the direction the maid had said, and then looked back, she had disappeared. My bed chamber room was now shut. I choked loudly, hoping no one heard me. Where the hell had she gone?

My heart was pounding, the blood thumping in my ears like a maddened drum. I saw other people begin to appear from their rooms; people in dresses, tuxedos, regal robes, formal attire. Tall people, short people, different skin colours. If there was ever a place that represented all kinds of diversity, it was here. 

As I turned to look further back up the hallway, I bumped into someone, hitting them face first in the back. “Oh, I’m so sorry,” I cried, embarrassed at my scatter brained behaviour. But I was so intent on trying to see everything. 

“It’s alright,” a kind voice came and then the woman in front of me turned. She was slightly taller than me, wearing a silver gown. Her long, dark blonde hair had been half clipped up into a bun. A diamond necklace and matching earrings sparkled so beautifully against her pale skin. “I’m Sara, by the way.” Her smiled eased my nerves and we both walked together. 

I offered her my name and then noticed her arm was outstretched. She was looking at the gold lettering around her wrist, that looks so much like the name I had on mine. 

“I was told that the person’s name on our wrist is who we’re intended to meet tonight. It says James Buchanan Barnes on me. It won’t wash off no matter how hard I try.” 

Sara then looked at my wrist, and for a second I felt distrust wash over me and pulled my arm back, not wanting her to see. A blush flooded my cheeks as I realised my behaviour and then stretched my arm out to her. 

Bodies continued on rushing past us. Surely with the sheer number of people who had dashed past, there would never be enough rooms for every single guest. Had they all woke up in their own bedroom? But if all of this was magic somehow, then anything could have been possible, couldn't it? 

To my amazement, Sara put her arm through mine, not mentioning the gold names again on our wrists. Together we walked down the hallway, following the red and gold carpet and descending down a huge, grand staircase. 

I looked over the bannister to see an enormous ball room, full of people who were mingling. There were surely hundreds of people, there voices a hum on the air. An invisible orchestra was playing in the distance, the melody just about audible over the voices of guests. The music seemed to be beckoning everyone in. 

Sara and I remained speechless, our eyes surveying the beautiful architecture of the room. Crystal chandeliers hung from the ceiling, along with canopies and gold lightning. Along the back wall were huge windows and outside I could see the sun dipping below a mountain range. “Where are we?” I asked Sara. 

Before I could say any more, Sara had disappeared towards a table that was offering drinks. “Bye then,” I whispered to myself and then felt my nerves begin to twist in my gut. I swallowed hard and walked slowly towards the edge of the main ballroom. Some guests had started dancing, swirling and twisting to the quick tune that was currently playing. Lines of people, couples and single people. If only I could have let myself go like that, I thought to myself, growling under my breath at my anti social temperament. 

For a few minutes I walked slowly around the room, keeping to the edge, until I caught sight again of Sara. She was conversation with a man dressed in a tux; he was an attractive young man with shoulder length dark hair and seemed to be quite taken with her, smiling often. 

“I do not care why I am here!” a snarl came from behind me. Then a lighter voice, trying to reassure followed on. “Whoever is holding this ball had better send me back to Erebor.”

“Thorin, there is no one here who knows any more than we do. It seems all those in this room are guests and are in the same position as us,” the second voice came.

“I am supposed to meet my One here?” Thorin scoffed. “Fine chance of that happening, Master Burglar.”

“But look on your wrist. Where did that name come from?”

I immediately froze. Slowly I turned, breath held in my lungs painfully. Then I saw a short, broad built man with long hair and wearing dark blue robes. He stared at me for a split second, his fierce blue eyes meeting mine.

[cursivebloodlines]

Before I continue I must say: excuse the awful graphic. Lmao. Anyway! I’ve realised that I have never done a Follow Forever or anything like this in my life?? So I decided that now I should hop on the bandwagon and spread some of the love. Not because I’ve reached a follower milestone but so I can give you all a quick thanks for putting up with me really. I know I have never been the best in replying to drafts at a reasonable speed, that I ramble too much and take twenty-odd years to reply to a single message and yet you guys still talk, follow me and want to interact with me and my muses? Honestly, I’m blessed. :’) Just know I love you all and wish you the Happiest of New Years. Alright let’s go --

SOME SPECIAL MENTIONS:

☼ @floires​ ;; Becky, oh Becky. You’re my sister so I guess you have to be on top of this list?? lmao. You don’t realise what an amazing writer you are. Like so good that Tumblr made us both unfollow each other? Like what was that all about? Haha! We have stupid arguments over nothing and over everything but know that I love you regardless of those. We need to write together also! Your muses are the cutest and I could honestly go on forever but I don’t want to make your head bigger than it already is. You’re the best sister anyone could ever ask for or want etc etc and no matter the idiotic things that leave my mouth sometimes, you just so happen to be one of my favourite people on this planet. Ew, I’m getting cheesy now. How gross is that. And one day I will persuade you with my almighty powers to edit a theme because you always end up making the finished product so good and like SHARE YOUR TALENT PLEASE.  ALSO THIS IS RANDOM BUT JUST KNOW YOU CAN SING GREAT. (If you E V E R say you sound like Celine Dion though...I may just start laughing. You know exactly what I’m talking about here.) Never change for anyone or anything and I sincerely hope that 2019 is kind to us because 2018 was the most Evil. And besides, 2018 was so last year lmfao. All my love to you sis. P.S: you smell. xx

☼ @brokenbcys​  ☼  @dreamxcatchcr​ ;; Emma and Dani! I’ve put you both here because I know I’ll end up repeating myself lmao. Where do I start with you both? You’re two of the best friends anyone could ever ask for; both on the internet and in real life. You’ve been there for me for so many years and you know -- I think this year it will be like...9 or 10 years since we’ve been friends? That’s gone so fast! We’ve had many laughs together and honestly I never would have survived the hell that is school if it weren’t for you two. Thanks for putting up with me when I take ten years to reply to a simple message dkjlsdgsd. And I also love how no matter which characters we throw at each other, they all end up being bezzie mates. I have such a good writing chemistry with you two it’s just so easy :’) Our friendship must have been reflected on our characters haha. We’ve been in some hilarious RPs together though -- like the twins one! Our TMR RP (groupc) will always be one of my favourite rps (Not because we ran it pfft) because I’ll always treasure our Glader Trio. One day I will persuade you both to watch all of AOS and not just the first episode hehe. Here’s to many more years of friendship! I love you both sm and I know I can come to you about anything and yeah :-) xx

☼ @wckdfortressx​ ;; Hannah! I know you’re not really on the RP scene anymore but I couldn’t do a Follow Forever without including you! We’ve been friends for goodness knows how long now -- it’s definitely been a good few years. And I love that you love Agents of SHIELD as much as I do :’) AND ULTIMATES IS THIS YEAR!!! So the fact I might finally get the chance to meet you irl is so exciting! You’re a lovely person and you’re always fun to talk to even if I take a billion years to reply to a simple message lmao. I’ve always loved every single one of your characters and I think you’re an amazing writer. And if you ever decide to return to RP know that I’m always willing to throw any and every one of my muses at you. <33 You’re an awesome person and I hope this year treats you well!

☼ @ravenousdiaster​ ;; Your URL popped up before I even typed ‘r’! I think Tumblr knows how much I lav you hehe. :’) I’m so happy that we started writing together! I always get so happy when I see you’ve replied to a thing or tagged me in something. And we can spend ages and ages just headcanoning and it’s beautiful <3 You’re an absolute pleasure to write with and Dougie/Dahlia are precious babies who I love sososooo much. We love putting them through Shit because we are angst fiends ;) but I wouldn’t have it any other way because I’m terrible. I always love when I see I have a message from you and you’re so lovely to talk to OOC as well. Thank you for being you and carry on being your amazing self. I lav youuu. <3

☼ @strawberryxwrites​ ;; You have legit got to be one of the most patient people I know, omg. When I always take a lifetime to reply to a single message or poof randomly in the middle of a conversation, you’re still more than happy to have a chat and??? I am ever so grateful for that. I know I can be a pain in the arse when it comes to reply speeds but I’m so glad to have the chance to write with you :) I love your characters dearly and I love writing our threads as well. I hope you have a fab year in general and just know I enjoy writing with you and talking to you and thanks so much for your awesome self and wanting to write with me.

☼ @valplum​ ;; Every time you reply to our thread or I see you on the dash I am honestly just???? floored by your writing because it’s just beautiful and HOW DO YOU ENGLISH??? Every time I have a notification from you I’m like !!!!!!! I know I’ve had trouble with my muse for Logan recently but know that I love Logan and Bardot so much and I’m also excited to write with your other muses at some point to :) And you’re such a wonderful person to talk to I’m <3 I don’t know how to English so just know I love you okay ♥

☼ @heroxwithxdreams​ ;; remember that time we tried plotting and I ended up completely forgetting to reply to the message? ahh. I’m so happy that the second time around worked out. Because I always did want to reach out because I thought ‘ahh they seem so nice! I’d love to write with them’ and then I got lucky :) You’re so sweet to talk to even if we haven’t spoke for a while but I know that’s because you’ve had a break from Tumblr which I completely understand since I’m technically I’m on a semi hiatus haha! but just know when you’re back I’m ready to love you. <3

☼ @faerietaled​ ;; My motivational fairy! I’m so sorry I tend to forget to reply to my messages ah but you always seem to appear in my messages at just the right time :) Whenever I’m not feeling so great or stuck in a pickle you always reach out and say hey. Honestly you have no idea how much that means to me. <3 The fact you take some time out of your day and listen to my rambles; you’re an awesome bean. I hope this year treats you brilliantly because you deserve nothing less than the best. ♥

THE REST OF THE BEST:

Whether you’ve been following me for months or for hours, whether we’ve written 500 threads together or only one or even not at all yet, whether we’ve spoke to each other or haven’t interacted yet, thank you all for ever giving me a second glance, for being so patient and understanding when I forget to reply to messages or my snail’s pace of reply speeds. You’re all such lovely people and without you my indie rping experience wouldn’t be what it’s like today :) Thanks for lighting up my dashboard with your greatness every day! Keep on doing you and know that if you ever need anything I’m here for you. And if you ever wanna start a new thing then I would be completely down with that!! Happy New Year! xx

☼ @domuslux  ☼  @finalisms  ☼  @heartonanoose ☼ @merryxchaos  ☼  @ferociousrex  ☼  @disapprcve  ☼ @inechoingsilence  ☼  @thefangedman  ☼  @ofbookshelves  ☼  @ofxmuse  ☼  @caringspirit  ☼ @evcrlasting  ☼ @mnemxsyne-writes  ☼ @darkwinterwinds  ☼  @dramaqxeenbitch  ☼  @thexnyctophiliacs  ☼  @the-red-red-rose  ☼  @anatcmies  ☼ @swordsandmagic  ☼  @kingxfmischief  ☼ @pseudonyist  ☼ @poignantisms  ☼  @novusorbus  ☼  @futureofnothing  ☼  @svimmingfools  ☼  @shewritcsx  ☼  @ofstrangevariety  ☼  @lavenderrpages  ☼  @cheapxseats  ☼  @scinglives  ☼  

(If I’ve missed you please do not take offence and know it was not my intention. My brain never remembers to reply to my messages let alone remember everyone for my first follow forever. I don’t love you any less so please don’t think that. )

[ask-shakespearehigh]

Q&A post with the Mods!!!!

This is going to be a long one oh boy

How strict is the delineation of creative control vis-a-vis characters/plays between the mods? (@pedanticlecturer)

We generally have the plays split up along lines of “what we know”— we have a list at the very beginning of the blog. Sometimes we’ll draw the others’ characters (mostly me drawing some of Star’s…) but even then the final say on characterization is up to the “main” mod for that play — mod aster

what aster said -- mod star

What is your favorite play? What is your favorite character in terms of how they were written in the source material? (@pedanticlecturer)

I think my favorite play overall is Macbeth, just because I like the vibes (and the fact that I too could kill Macbeth), the fact that you don’t say it’s name in theatres, and the fact that it’s a play I did a full read through and analysis of in class. Favorite character? Puck from Midsummer. — mod aster

uhhhh,, hmm. ive always had a soft spot for midsummer since i saw it with aster esp bc of how fun the costumes were. of the comedies it has the largest potential to be the most visually pleasing bc of the concept of fairies,,,and im gay and dramatic so i love that. id die if i got to costume design for midsummer,,,or be in it,,,yeah. fav character. hmm. probably mercutio?? i recently saw a version of romeo and juliet where mercutio was played by a woman and oh my god it was amazing!!! not to mention mercutio’s portrayal in baz luhrmann's INCREDIBLE version of r n j!!! (I based my mercutio design on him) he just spends the entire time making dick jokes. love that. -- mod star

How do you answer asks so fast? I mean it's great but I'm impressed 😂 (Anon)

Personally, it’s a mix of: notifications on, quick drawing speed, and using the blog to avoid my class work — mod aster

aster is fast and (as you can see from all of my answers) im lazey -- mod star

Are there any elements/characters of the plays you're covering that you would have liked to work into this blog's plot, but couldn't due to the constraints of the setting or the synthetic nature of the blog? (@pedanticlecturer)

I wanted to make everyone gay but unfortunately due to plot constraints we have to have some hets but that wont stop me from making it lgbt as possible. -- mod star

I did want to make The Tempest more of a central play, but it just didn’t translate well. Similarly, other supernatural elements like the witches in Macbeth. This isn’t so much a constraint mentioned, but my own time/energy means that I want to show the Macbeth backstory, in a specific format, but I can’t right now— mod aster

Is there a hierarchy of import when it comes to each play's individualized impact on shakespeare high's general arc? If so, what plays are crucial to the foundation of the story? Which ones did you do mostly for shits and giggles? (@pedanticlecturer)

This is phrased like an ACT question and i might not answer it right so sorry in advance but: mod aster and i only selected a few plays for each of us to do given we dont know all of shakespeare’s works, but we tend to put more emphasis on the the more well known. But it also comes down to 1. How much we have plotted out for each play and 2. What the followers ask about most. Our two most popular are hamlet and macbeth bc people are familiar w those but around march caesar always becomes relevant again. I didnt even have designs for some of the characters until someone asked about them. -- mod star

I would say the same as star— it generally comes down to what people ask about. I will say that the overall plot is sort of separated into “has happened” and “is happening”. Like, the human potion of Midsummer, Julius Caesar, and Macbeth are all in the “aftermath” portion, while Twelfth Night, Hamlet, and Romeo and Juliet, among others, are happening. We’re trying to incorporate as much as we can, and I don’t think any of them were really put in without some thought.— mod aster

What personal significance does shakespeare hold in ur guys' lives? (@pedanticlecturer)

I go to a theater school rn and so ive dealt w shakespeare (although not all of them) it also helps that i was in loves labours lost last year as moth and that i read hamlet and r n j. Theres also a theater in my state that always does One Big Shakespeare per season and they always do them super well!!! My love for shakespeare probably started w seeing midsummer at that theater w mod aster!!! So. Theater kid rights!! -- mod star

To be honest, I got back into Shakespeare Because of the blog. I’ve been friends with some people that got really Pretentious about Shakespeare, and it kinda put me off of it. I did have a book of abridged plays (the plays’ plots written out in prose, basically) that I read as a kid, which is what got me into not only the plots of a lot of the plays, but also the idea of having them illustrated. And, same as star, the theater in state does the One Big Shakespeare— and they tend to do some really cool things with the costumes, setting them in diff time periods. I haven’t been able to see any lately since I’ve moved, but they still slap. — mod aster

🥰😘💙🥰🥰💜💟🥰I 😍💗💚😍😍LOVE🖤🖤 YALL ♥️♥️🧡💛💚💝❣️💕💘💖💗💓💞💝❤️💛💜 okay now i have a question i swear— how long have the two of you been doing art??? and what were your first shakespeare plays??? (@hellaghosts)

Uhh i started drawing when i was like idk 12 and i have the giant boxes of sketchbooks to prove it!!! I moved to digital art at abt 14-15 but mostly stayed traditional until this yr when i got a Neat New Tablet so some of my sketchbooks are sitting abandoned rip. My first shakespeare was either romeo and juliet or midsummer nights dream and i love both of them v much!!! I have a very old piece of art that i did for r n j for my freshman class assignment on it and it hasnt aged well alsdjfjafd circa 2016 i think??? -- mod star

Oh man. I started drawing when I was about 10, but it was Bad. I don’t think I got much into drawing again until I was about 14? Sometime around the end of middle school/beginning of high school. I would say I started getting into drawing as more than doodling/coloring edits sometime around 2015-16? I would draw on my iPad with my finger, then I got a tablet for my computer, and now I pretty much stick to my iPad with an Apple Pencil. My first Shakespeare play was….. uh…… probably Midsummer???? I have No idea. We would go to plays when I was little, so I honestly don’t remember if I saw others before. It may have been Romeo and Juliet— I had that book where it was the original and the “modernized” with the little dog that explained things— which, if you know it makes sense, but if you don’t is probably a bonkers answer. — mod aster

Do you think this blog has like? An overarching thesis (be it b/c intentionally or simply b/c ur own take on the world has bled thru to the point where u believe it’s central to the piece at this point)? (@pedanticlecturer)

Not gonna lie, I had to read that like three times AND dm you to figure out what you were asking from us and all I have is “be gay, respect women, write your own happy endings”. — mod aster

This blog started with an ides of march shitpost and you think we have enough brain energy to write a whole thesis? I projected feelings of found family onto my half of the blog but idk if that counts. Be gay do crime 420 69 -- mod star

What’s the nature/rough dynamic of ur relationship? How do y’all know each other? (@pedanticlecturer)

Met mod aster when i was like 4 and even tho we didnt live close we became like, best friends although the Best part didnt start until we were like 13-ish and eventually we talked like non stop (about anime and homestuck. Yknow. 13 year old kid things) and we didnt see each other a lot bc of Distance and now its even worse bc aster is in colleg.,e but we consider each other siblings regardless of family bc we’re adopted into our own respective families so that bled over into our friendship and it would feel weird calling him anything other than my brother now. We’ve seen each other at our best and worst and if you really want a good insight on what we’re like as siblings watch griffin and justin mcelroy’s overview video of catlateral damage wherein i am griffin and he is the long suffering justin. -- mod star

Star is basically my long distance sibling and functionally the only cousin I recognize bc like their parents are basically an aunt and uncle and like our dads look enough alike that we’ve both accidentally gotten the wrong dad for a hug or similar so like. Anyways yeah Star is the Griffin to my Justin, complete with our absent middle brother who we love dearly— mod aster

Dubiously relevant q but what kind of music do y’all listen to when u do art (if that is indeed a habit either of u partake in) (@pedanticlecturer)

It can depend on the piece? I was working on some (unrelated) oc prints that were song-focused, and for those I just listened to said song on loop. Sometimes I have playlists. Sometimes I’ll just be in a Mood and throw a song on loop. But a lot of time for the blog, I’ll listen to The Adventure Zone for the billionth time, because I have Too Much Attention. I’ve also, on request from Star, linked the most recent “loop song”.— mod aster

I tend to obsess over the same like 3 songs every few weeks so those get listened to on repeat but it also depends on the tone of what im drawing or who im drawing i might genre switch bc of that. If im drawing ophelia i stick to lana del rey and if im drawing hamlet its the neighborhood, horatio is sufjan stevens etc. i have categorized,. Most of the characters i draw into different songs/genres/energies of music but not like i ever follow that. Sometimes i just pull up a really long nonsense video and forget to draw. Essentially: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ -- mod star

How’d y’all come up with ur pseudonyms? (@pedanticlecturer)

I love space so much and my main blog is starryeydsailor space gay rights!! Im also tiny and full of energy and bright so basically i;m star -- mod star

Uhhhh i was like “hey i want to do uhhhhhh flower?” And then I google searched flower names until I found one I liked —- mod aster

How did you end up deciding the rough timeline of events in canon? (@pedanticlecturer)

It’s mostly determined by like. How we choose per story? If that makes sense. Like, we just take story by story, and decide “is it happening, has it happened, and when?” And then we fit them together in relation to each other just by dint of. All existing at once. Like, I knew I wanted Macbeth to be in aftermath, because like, even though there’s no murder, the way I’ve translated it to the AU is still kinda heavy, and it’s something that I don’t know that I could do properly if it were happening right now. Also, it’s more interesting IMO to have them at different times. Tl;dr we wing it per story and slot them together— mod aster (mod star agrees I just can word better, in theory)

If you could tell the story of shakespeare high in a different format than an ask blog, would you? Obviously y'all are making very good use of the format, but would you want to write this as a animated series or like? a comic book? or is the form inseparable from the story? (@pedanticlecturer)

I kinda wanted to do a webcomic or maybe to plot develop through like, animatics but the element of surprise comes from the asks we get and really makes us think so the blog is a good start. We didnt think we’d get this far -- mod star

Pretty much what Star said— there are certain elements where it’d be neat to do as a comic or as an animatic. Like, the fantasy dream is like, an anthology webcomic of each story, where you can like, see other characters in the background and stuff. But to be honest, we develop a lot by what we’re asked— there was a post about developing worldbuilding by being asked questions and then pretending you’ve thought about the answer, and it’s not far off. Personally, it’s hard to just lay out a story, because I have a whole WORLD and what’s relevant? What are people interested in? It’s by getting questions that I can then focus in on an area to develop. And yeah, we Super didn’t think we’d get this far lmao — mod aster

Any headcanons about your characters that you don't think will ever come up on the blog through asks or plot posts? (@pedanticlecturer)

I could make a whole separate post for this!!!!! Mostly its voice headcanons (and by mostly i mean like 1 or 2) or relationship hcs!!!! -- mod star

Honestly same. I don’t think I have voice headcanons for mine, though I bet I could find some. I’ve got a bunch of miscellaneous headcanons that just kinda float around, but like they’re scattered, too numerous for this post, and also not always things I’m sure are canon yet.— mod aster

[dearlytea]

This was a message I sent a few months ago to a friend when I just made my Tumblr account. The question she asked me was “Do you expect to get any followers on Tumblr? Or meet anyone there?”

Of course I didn’t believe her and thought I wouldn’t do shit here.... Yet here we are today celebrating my birthday/first milestone on this blog. Wow, never knew my 69th birthday would involve Tumblr... 

I’ve learned a lot during my time here, and it’s still scary to believe that I was one decision away from not meeting all the friends I adore now. Besides learning how to use this god garbage website I was also able to learn a lot more about myself from all of the mutuals I’ve met here. How? Cause I was able to connect with many people and be myself without feeling the need to cover up the parts of me that I thought were ugly.  Although, I know this is only the beginning of my time here, but it’s still a huge milestone for someone with low expectations to begin with. 

So in all thank you to all of my lovely mutuals/friends. Whether we talk on a daily basis or not I love each and every one of you, and I hope for the mutuals that I’m silent with that one day we can start chatting and get to know each other better (although you might have to be the one to message first cause my ass is still anxious as F U C C)

Anyways yeah... I love all of you dearly

KNEE SLAP

Edit: Apparently some people didn’t get the notification for the tag? Fuck you Tumblr So I had to go over the names again just to be sure... Sorry if you got another notification or something! zzzz

Legend

♔ = Special babies  →  (Look for your special little message)

❥ = My baby mutuals  → ilysm bls don’t think i don’t cause I actually do but I’m shit at showing my feelings sometimes and I’m bad at messaging. Don’t ever doubt that you bummies :((((((

☼ = Silent/New Mutuals  →  We don’t talk/interact that much but I still appreciate your existence and love you, thank you for being here. Maybe when I’m not a anxious HOE i’ll message you

Bold = Content Creator  →  YOU TALENTED LITTLE BEAN. GOD FUCKING GAVE YOU THE SKILLS OF A GODDESS/GOD AND YALL ARE BLESSED ASF

I love you all bls don’t think that I love you less because of where you are on this post asiojdoasijd that’s not my intentions and I don’t mean to hurt you :((((( 

(There is no solid order with how people are being added, I’m just going through my Following & Followers list)

♔

@champagnehoseok @koalajimin  @gukvenchy  @agustdabbing @knjddaeng @tinymintyoon @94hixtape​

❥

@gukyi  @guksheart  @introseesaw @kinktae​ @httpjeon @honeyyhobii @sapidsuga @cloutro @yeehawtaekook @minlucent @joonbuns @honeyyhobii @simplyjoon @equigay @seoksblackrose @kitsujoon @rohobi @namseokis @lovewyself @taewitched  @etherealmins

☼

@utopiajeon  @hobiwonka @starlightjoons @louvrescript @ggukhoneys @yourstrxxly @bymoonchild@blushoseoks@iliveforjungkookmemes @moonm0chi @jeonpetals​

@champagnehoseok: You little donk. I have a love/hate relationship with you, you wanna know why? caUSE ALL YOU DO IS ATTACK ME. I’m trying to live life here and you’ll send me a gif and then I’m (hot and) bothered. Though tbh without you I’ve wouldn’t of been able to leave my shell of shyness. You and your “DEARLLLYYYYYY” in group voice chats and scaring my ass to death smh. Despite being an extreme introvert I do enjoy talking/playing league with you (even though all we do is scream) So don’t take my short response as a “I’m annoyed with you” cause that’s not the case, I’m just an EXTREME INTROVERT. In all thanks for being the donk to my dink, never stop walking, always keep going alright? (this is the softest message you’ll get from me so LOVE IT)

@koalajimin: Morgan bby :((( You are my Libra sister and we relate to each other so much it’s quite unreal. Thanks for letting me scream and rant to you about stuff, it means a lot cause I know I’m a lot to deal with iojasoidjposa. I love how sweet you are :((( You’re the type of friend to go through a huge crowd of people just to make sure someone you care about is okay which is so admirable and I hope you know we don’t deserve your sweetness :((( It’s all too precious. If you ever need my “wise” advice or need someone to rant to just hmu okay? ilysm uwu (also BLS DRINK RESPONSIBLY)

@gukvenchy: Yara you sweet angel :((( Idk if I told you this before but that one night I randomly pour out my love to you on your old account was the first time I’ve went off anon to talk to you and I’m so glad I did cause it made me feel less anxious about sending asks and messages to you. Actually tbh you’ve helped me out a lot when it comes to gaining confidence in general. You probably never realize it but in little ways you do and I’m so glad we are mutuals because I would still be a shy shithead today :(( So thank you for being such a sweet pea and accept the fucking mess I am, ilysm you teasing Queen (I WILL NOT BIAS A BOY WHO POURS MILK INTO THE BOWL FIRST (I still love him but not enough to make him my bias)

@agustdabbing: Ahhh you probably didn’t expect a special message eh? Wrong. I love our late night convos about food, school and other things that I can’t remember cause they were so late at night aisjdijsad. You’ve found me in the rec blog side bar and it honestly shocked me that you wanted to follow or even message me. Like seriously??? I still don’t get why you want to asidjpais but in all I’m happy you got the courage to message me and grateful that you enjoy my random burst of convo starters. If you ever need anything hmu okay? Don’t be afraid to. I will always be here for late night convos about avocados, pastas, stupid things CUBE did and etc. Bless ya soul sweet child uwu

@knjddaeng: BABYYYYCHRSISSAIOJT My sweet tarot reading buddy. I love your curly hair adorable ass. Thanks for being honest, sweet, understanding and caring when I come to you for advice. You know how reserved I am, but despite that I always feel so safe when talking to you about my problems cause you understand why I think what I think and do what I do. In all I’m so grateful that you’re understanding of my messy brain and love me for me. Thanks for all the things you’ve done and I wish well for you :(( Know that if you are ever sad I will fucking send a spirit to comfort you asoidjaoid I WILL FIND A WAY DON’T YOU JOHNNY FUCKING TEST ME

@tinymintyoon: Ah Tiny, you sweet sweet child uwu I don’t know why but I just always have this like “You’re my little sister” vibe with you even though we aren’t that far in ages. You’re such a smart, beautiful and hard working girl and I have so much respect for that. You do things with consideration of others and it’s such a rare sight to see nowadays so please don’t ever forget that. I know at times you will feel down and have the itching feeling to slap yourself for not being good enough but trust me hunny, you’re doing great. Don’t beat yourself up too much okay? ilysm uwu please sleep appropriately so you don’t tire yourself out and hurt yourself :((( also THANK YOU FOR BETA READING SOME OF MY TRASH WORKS ASJDIKJ YOU ARE THE BEST AND I APPRECIATE THE EFFORT YOU PUT INTO THEM

@94hixtape​: Lu, you are such a sweetie and I know we recently started talking but I can’t just leave you out on this. When you messaged me for the first time saying you’ve been meaning to message for a while made me so soft like???? You wanted to message ME? And see if I WAS okay??? You are a sweet angel and it still makes me flop onto my bed all soft. Despite your shy character you still would do so much for your friends and :((( ugh that makes me soft. Please don’t be afraid to message me if you’re sad or in need to rant, your presence is god’s gift in this world and you should be happy : ‘)))) ILYSM 

I’m sorry that all of these messages are GROSS jsandoaijsdo

[goddamnitlady]

OOC // super long post of me talking at myself, trying to make sense of my behaviour.

I need to put this chaos of thoughts down on the page. Or else they might claw my skull open from the inside out. This text is so super personal it would fit better in my diary. This is me talking at me.

So no obligation to you to read this!!!

I realise I’m so shaken, that in the below text, I will be (re-)constructing my own narrative about myself. I’ll do that right here. 

I will use this narrative to review what I learnt about my behaviour, re-interpret my past and then frame my current social reality. If I use kinder language, perhaps I'll think kinder of myself? Gotta try that. This is my unstructured train of thought, me talking at me. If you want to read about me talking at you, scroll down.

Enjoy some nude TMI. It’s long.

INTRO - BEHAVIOUR 

Yesterday I went to A.DHD Central to get tested and maybe a diagno.sis and surprise, I have it! I saw it coming and I'm okay with this. It explains why... 

why I'm always so easily distracted

why it's almost painful to be bored

why it's almost to do difficult tasks 

why I've got social periods that can last days or month and then suddenly get asocial periods

why I forget something 3 seconds after you said it

why I can't remember more than 3 instructions

why I don't have one train of thought, but 3 or 4. And I need to jump from train to train to keep up with them.

Okay so that's that.

The OTHER thing that I cannot stop thinking about now is just as important. The old man said it very casually, like: "oh btw on such an intense diagnosis day our team of trained specialist always finds other mental difficulties people developed too. AD.HD comes with friends. We see you have (traits of) avoi.dant personality disor.der okay continuing on, your computer test showed..."

And today I'm at home. I picked up my me.ds this morning and I've started dosing. I started thinking, wait what did they say yesterday about that other thing? So I read through Wikipedia.

ME TALKING @ ME. ^That new info about my behaviour changes my interpretation of my past.   

Yesterday a professional told me that 50% of the kids with ADH.D leave primary school feeling like an outcast so it's not weird I was bullied too.

On primary school I was dia.gnosed with dyslexia and dyscalculia. It means that letters and numbers magic to me. They tremble and swap places or vanish. The classes Maths and Languages were awful to me. Biology and History were better and more fun but they also make use of numbers (dates/calculations). Art class (with my hands or brain) was the one thing I could actually do. I could do presentations and discussions as well.

But I felt different from my peers because they could learn things so EASILY compared to me. I wasn't dumb, I understood, but then the explanation was gone and I'd forgotten it again(AD.HD). So I needed lots of repetition to learn. And then once I understood it the letters/numbers kept moving without my consent! (dyslexia/dyscalucia) Stupid letters/numbers.

I moved houses and thus switched schools. On the new school became bullied by being socially exluded, ignored, and critisized.

That bullying made me feel like I could be 'attacked' in class all the time. In hindsight I was sensitive to stimuli. Everyone has a filter on their mind that ignores certain things (like the fact you are breathing. congratulations, you are now aware that you are breathing) and lets other things through (such as the honk of a car when you're jaywalking). Child!me must have been working super hard to 

pay attention to class 

filter stimuli 

categorise high-speed which stimuli are hostile 

muffle intense emotional reactions 

consider which version of reply would create least conflict/emotion 

A lack of sleep (from reading books until late) make me sleepy during the day thus less sensitive to (negative) stimuli. 

So I became from age 10 onward very much an outcast/ anxious/ nervous/ shy/ avoidant-of-confrontations-where-I-could-be-rejected. 

I was bullied on secondary school too. Jackpot.

I worked harder than average but my grades were lower than average. I felt inadequate. Inferior. My self reflection went into overdrive. I started to think things like... if I can't do maths or language and don't like people, what sort of career could I do? What value did I have to humanity?  Was I not just taking up resources? I felt guilt and shame that my parents had to waste(!) money on me. No economic equation could justify having me around. I was a useless human being. My only good trait is that I'm kind to people, showing kindness always -- even if they don't deserve it. Because I know what it’s like to be hurt and I don’t want to do that to anyone. 

(I feel so fucking lucky that I grew up in a loving family because holy shit teenage!me sounded like the textbook perfect victim for types of abuse.)

I worked hard in all my classes and it paid off. I went to the above-medium level of education for secondary school. Finally away from my bullies at age 15,5! I think that ended my de.pression too. I switched schools to above-medium, it was a normal period on that secondary school.  Two more years after that went fine. Made my long-term school friends and cosplay friends in that time and since. Yay!

After that, I studied graphic design on adult education medium level, then for Teacher of English As A Foreign Language on above-medium level, now I'm this(!) close to finishing Literature Studies on university (highest) level. Take that, insecurity. I'm not stupid. My specialities (creativity) just lay elsewhere than the standard measurement.

I read somewhere that AD.HD people don't have normal emotions but that one emotion TIMES TEN. So a small mention of rejecton from another person causes a feeling of REJECTION TIMES TEN in me. I can easily say that I have joy times TEN, fear times TEN, and enthusiasm times TEN too, which can make me a very charming person?

I initially thought this strong emotional fear of rejection was the AD.HD-only symptom called RSD, rejection-sensitive dys.phoria. What makes it into a personality diso.rder?

Answer: Persistent malfunctioning in society. 

ME TALKING @ ME. Re-framing my social reality and examining my behaviours.

I malfunction as follows: I experience extreme shyness in certain moments, feel anxious before or during new social situations, don't want to go to the kitchen if my housemates are there, have a fear of emailing/calling people, or approaching groups. Fear of asking money back (I feel like "I'm not worth even a euro"). I have a GIANT fear of being rejected by others. Giant fear of being ridiculed. Cast out.

This leads to a behavior pattern where I avoid conflict. I'm just too scared to do them. Critique freaks me out (because me emotions will skyrocket times ten). And it's the worst when I'm doing a project with people (such as preparing a presentation with a group/making cosplay costume with a friend/travelling home by train and someone needs to pick me up). People are the worst. I feel I always let them down.

So then anticipate on being inadequate, take longer to do it perfect, get ill from thinking up a thousand stressful could-be's, then fiiiiiinally reach out, and hear "you should have done X" or "why didn't you call me earlier?! Now I have to deal with this escalated mess!"

HOW I RESPOND TO ONLINE STIMULI

When friends send me a message online, I get scared. I ALWAYS have fear of opening them. I always think "what did I do wrong this time?" I always anticipate an attack. This is why it's good I have both friends AND other people on whatsapp. Sometimes this emotional anticipation or reaction is so strong that it can dominate my mood for hours.

Sometimes (when I'm most afraid) I open the message to get rid of the notification and don't actually read it. 

Sometimes (when I'm fearful brave) I take a deep breath and read it and take an hour to deal with the stressful emotional reaction. I want to reply but 1)I need to think of the perfect reply to type up so the negative situation will be quelled or/or followed by 2) my AD.HD forgets it.

Sometimes (when I'm happy) I can respond immediately. I'm functional!!!

Sometimes (when I'm happy) I respond immediately and them too and it's fun! And I have a blast! Wow, talking to friends is so much fun!!! I'm charming. I'm fast. I'm celebrating.

Nowadays I have a lot of friends. At least twenty five! They're divided into four groups: hometown, student life, online, cosplay. These are "friends without obligation" MEANING that my presence is a addition and not a requirement. They will never guilt me for cancelling on them. We can only hang out once a year and have a blast without talking at all during the rest of the year, and we will still conciser each other friends.           I consider them friends if I can message/call them up at 2 a.m. and cry about a boyfriend or needing a place to sleep. Which is a huge deal to me, me-who-feels-guilty-for-taking-up-resources.)          It don’t always function. I can hide for weeks, avoiding social contact. Then I can be super functional for weeks. Ups and downs.          I function best around friends without obligations. 

ME @ TUMBLR FRIENDS.

I suppose I want my tumblr friends to know that...

I 'squish' on a person. I use the word here in the meaning of 'plantonic crushing' and 'wanting to have an emotional bond with them as friend'. I sometimes stalk/bombard a person with messages/like every post/am super invested in everything they do. Usual reason: because I think they are a fantastic content creator. This makes me feel like they are inspiring and amazing and sometimes 'socially higher ranked' than me.          To battle my inferiority, I want them to acknowledge me. I want to 'have' them. I hate to admit it, but the words "notice me senpai" sum it up badly. A better way of describing it is “proving my inferiority complex as wrong and my internalised social hierarchy as false as fast as I can”.         The resolution is often hanging out in chat and writing a thread together. It will make me realise that we're both humans. Often, once the person gives me attention, I very quickly normalise them and am able to stop bad thoughts.        I really dislike the senpai/kohai dynamic and want to get rid of it asap. Giving me attention helps! I've experienced this squishing in class/ social/ work/ online/ cosplay environments. If I am 'squishing' on you, just pat my head, okay? 

I feel compelled to admit have had squishes on but then normalised as equal Sky.e, Ni.kki, Ju.lia, E.su, Ham.my, J, Cel.este, Va.na, and various others who I don’t need to mention because I never became friends with them. My squishes on these people were on the creative person as future friend, not(!!!) on the muses. I still have a ton of respect for these people.

People I'm in the process of normalising are Surfi and Jana. I'm doing well. I’m not that bad. When Hammy appears I still want a pat on the head though.

One person I'm squishing on quite much right now is Nami. I want all their attention. Nami, if you're reading this, I hope it doesn't drive you crazy (not as mad as it drives me). So I'm sorry that I post a reply 0.3 seconds after you post and seem to be online 24/7. 

And if anyone else is reading this, sorry I’m paying less attention to you.

I hate it when partners drop threads unannounced because I'll be waiting by the front door like a labrador waiting for a dead owner to come home.

Its fine if you tell me you want to drop a thread, no problem, no feeling of rejection here.

It's fine if you take 2 years to reply to a thread. Literally.

I forget thread posts. Feel free to poke me when I take longer than a month.

Me not replying to your roleplay request is because I'm imagining that my rejection of your request will hurt you as much as it would hurt me. I'm imagining your pain and emphasize with my fantasy to the point that I leave your request in my inbox for months. And then it hurts that I didn't reply.

Me not posting your submission/ask message is because I'm always feeling inferior. I don't feel worthy of your attention. I don't feel worthy of your text/art/time, so when I get it I feel THRILLED. Like, "WOW they like me!! Take that inferiority complex!!" I feel thrilled. I have to give you the perfect reply that will show you exactly how thrilled I am. Or give you a perfect drabble as reply.

Me not replying to your chat messages is not me intentionally disrespecting you. You are important. Goddamnit I want to keep you as a friend. It's me being EMOTIONAL AS FUCK AND I'M PREPARING A REPLY or I FORGOT ABOUT IT.

I only give myself permission to delete those after 6 months of struggling.

Me roleplaying super intensely with you and then suddenly not at all, is because the following happened: 

I  squished on you back then,

we wrote and for a while my days centerend around your online hours, 

I normalised you and I found tranquillity (good ending) OR 

I was called away because I had ignored real life and it became on fire. (bad ending, very much at risk of uncontrolled squishing on you again!!!)  

(I want to continue to enjoy being friends with you Super Duper Much, I respect your distaste for my silences, I’m sorry, and I feel bad TIMES TEN that I put you in this mood.) (I then feel worthless. Then inferior and wow hello devil on my shoulder that tells me bad things. Hey devil if you’re here do you pay rent?  And I begin to avoid you which makes you even unhappier. Then I avoid you and - etc. etc. Goddamn I just want to be friends and write rp WHY am I like this! Why am I so fearful? It doesn’t make any sense!)  

The thought of writing with you makes me excited times ten. I respect you. And because we didn't RP and you're worried and I feel I let you down... I want to "make it up to you by being perfect and worthy".        It catapults me right back into the mindset/habits from where I used to squish on you, and my day will center around you again. I know I don't /want/ that mindset to ambush me. It'll control me.         So I either postpone engagement with you, OR I ask/agree a day where we can write together. Then my intense emotions and refresh-the-page obsession and "OH MY GOD THIS RP IS SO GOOD U R SUCH AN AWESOME CONTENT CREATOR WE HAVE SO MUCH FUN" thoughts can be limited to that day.         During the next days (I usually need days), I can cool down from the hype and try to continue with my life and productively avoid the bad squish. This may come across as cold. But I assure you, my mind is constantly on you. And when I’m settled, I’ll be easier to approach for casual RP again. 

I find it extremely hard to deal with users who see me as their senpai. When I feel that you idolise me as senpai, want my attention and affection, want to be my friend, I get really uncomfortable. I usually search for ways to calm you down and make you realize I'm human. But if I do not feel equal, (because of IM chat/because writing styles clash) I can’t hang out with you. That’s not you, that’s me. Feeling inferior is something I’m trained in now and know how to go to ‘equals’ level fast, I’m not trained at all to feel superior. I screw up wayyy to much to accept that role. I will fear hurting you. I wouldn’t know how to try to become equals. So then I dash away. I’m sorry.

I'm not good at IM messaging in chat on tumblr or other social media online because I'll 1)get scared of the messages or 2) really really want to write with you. So I generally don't want to chat at all, except to plot roleplays. I find it difficult to send friends regular 'hi how are you' messages because I want a "friendship-without-obligations" that I described earlier.

Wow this list must scare you. I'm sorry.

It scares me. Wow, what a manual. I'm so complicated.

I'm worried now about whether I should post this. I sound like such a... a crazy online person that has a ton of things wrong in the head and should be avoided at all cost. ......... No, let me rephrase that. I’m a self-reflective person. I am a critical analyst of my mind and it's unique I can put it into words. 

DEAR TUMBLR FRIENDS...

- You don't want my squishing + I don't want my squishing. Let's work together so this bad mindset doesn't thrive, OK?

- You don't want to be ignored + I don't want my ‘conflict avoiding anxiety’ that makes me ignore you. Let's continue to communicate!! Please sandwich your critique in kindness. Kind-critical-kind. Then I'll reply faster!

- I am worth as much as every one of you. I am NOT your kohai and if you start seeing me as such I'll feel offended. I'm worth as much as any of you. (My mind cannot be trusted.)

- You cannot control what emotions I feel, nor the intensity. Anything(!) could spark me to go into a different mindset.

ROLEPLAY I suppose I have a 'type' of muse. 

I like writing confident-arrogant muses who never hesitate about being better than others. They used their unique traits that set them apart to excel (not fall), and are so fearless of social rejections that they boldly abandoned social-mediocority to craft a setting they thrive in.       Its because their growth/conquer mindsets appeal to me. I want to continue training myself to think like that. It helps battle my fears.       I identify with them.       Reasons: I worked hard and rose from being bullied at primary school and medium education level to upper-middle level. Now I'm at highest level of education (university) despite my flaws. I channelled my traits of creativity + kindness + hard work and made a ton of friends. I am now struggling with my university bachelor thesis. I have to finish it asap, but damn, I'm amazing, I never thought I'd get this far?? I'm in my world of my own making. My loving supporting surrounding friends/family/teachers help me function.  

IN CONCLUSION....

So in conclusion, I can only ask for your friendship, your kindness to forgive me when I mess up, and to please occasionally pet my head.

In return, I will generously offer friendship for however long you want me, will bravely engage in struggles to reply to your messages in time, and I offer you lots of FEELS from my muses.

I'm going to make sure that the time we hang out and write together, will be the MOST AMAZING EXPERIENCE.

Excerpt from my thoughts to show you how it goes: Small bad thought in my head: "don't abandon me, please accept this RP service I offer, because you won't hang out with me for my personality due to my bad attention/communication skills. I can see why you like my Orochimaru/muses but can hardly see why you could like me." Louder good thought in my head: "Shut up you're a feeling from the AD.HD or conflict-avoident-personality-type part of my brain and you can't be trusted. LA LA LA I'M NOT LISTENING. I'M GREAT." Small thought: "...Keep telling yourself that." Louder thought: "Ouch. I mean. LA LA LA. POSITIVE SELF-DECEPTION  AGAINST BAD THOUGHTS UNTIL IT'S AN INTERNALISED TRUTH IS AN EMPOWERING METHOD THAT WORKS. LA LA LA." So that’s how it works. Sometimes I cannot differ which of the thoughts is bad and which one is the good one. 

EPILOGUE, I’m done.

Okay. I think I have figured myself out. I’ve re-evaluated my past. 

The urgent mess of thoughts in my brain has calmed down. I no longer feel like my head will explode. 

I’ve said all the things I wanted to say to myself, and I’ve said the things I want to say to tumblr friends. 

I’m going to pretend nooooo oneeee took the time to read this big post... so no one will be angry (something which I fear for no logical reason) ... and I’ll be able to sleep right now. 

[so-caffeinated]

Don’t Panic - (Sometimes Hypocritical) Tips For NaNoWriMo Participants

So, sometime in recent memory, perhaps egged on by friends or in a fit of madness that seemed reasonable at 2 a.m., you signed up to write 50,000 words of fiction in the month of November. Right about now, with the calendar moving way too fast and pumpkins on all your neighbors’ doorsteps, you might be wondering what the hell you were actually thinking. It’s cool, though. You’ve got this. And here’s a few tips to hopefully help get you there.

Prepare:

Plan and freeze meals now - If you’re anything like me, food prep takes up a lot of your otherwise free time so do it before November hits. Make and freeze hamburgers, chili, spaghetti sauce, lasagna and quiches. Have fast things like ravioli, frozen pizza and rotisserie chicken on hand.

Do all your laundry (yes, all of it) - By the end of November you’ll probably be swearing your ex-boyfriend’s oversized sweatpants and a shirt with ancient coffee stains on it while you mumble incoherently at your screen. The bottom of your drawers, that stuff that hasn’t seen the light of day in ages, will all get worn. Just clean everything now. This is doubly true if you have kids.

Prep your space - What kind of environment do you write best in? Is it at home or elsewhere? Do you need more light? Another cushion on that chair? A good set of noise canceling headphones? Do you write on paper and need more pens and notebooks? Do it now.

Daydream - Whether you plot extensively ahead of time or not, keep those characters you plan to use in your head while you do all that cooking and laundry we talked about. Know them inside and out, even the minor details you’ll never wind up writing about. It’ll make your job a hundred times easier once you sit down to write.  

Feed your inspiration - Do you listen to music when you write? Great! Make a playlist that feels like your story. Have graphics skills? Create a bookcover. Use models for character inspiration? Pick them now and make a Pinterest board. Whatever drives your imagination and fuels your passion for your story can only help. 

Take Care Of Yourself:

Don’t forget to eat - Those meals we talked about? Eat them. A hungry writer is a pissy writer and your characters will suffer for it. (And so will you which is more important anyhow)

Hydrate - Hand-in-hand with this, if you’re a caffeine drinker, then also caffeinate. Caffeine headaches can derail anyone from their daily tasks. Also, if you’re a migraine sufferer like me, avoid red wine and other triggers. But really... definitely hydrate.

Take breaks - Take a walk. Take a shower. Go for a drive. Call a friend. Watch a TV show. Sometimes powering through is the right move but other times your brain is gonna need a break. 

Share the burden - Prep all you want, housework still happens. If you have roommates or kids or a spouse, consider talking to them ahead of time about needing to rely on them more for mundane chores during the month.  

Forgive yourself for setbacks - We all have bad days, days where the words just don’t come. One day with nothing written isn’t gonna break you. A week of being beneath your daily goal won’t either. But letting that drag you down? Telling yourself it means you can’t do it? That’s where it gets near impossible to finish. And, hey, if you don’t, that’s okay, too! Attempting this is already more than most people will ever do. And, you’re pretty badass for trying.

Celebrate your wins - Whether you finish or not, just attempting NaNoWriMo deserves a solid pat on the back. Let yourself be proud of what you do, whatever that may be.   

Do not compare yourself to others - Someone will churn out their novel in a week and a half. You don’t have to be them. Be you. That’s better anyhow. 

Focus:

Turn off your notifications - Social media is the best distraction there is. Don’t give in to it. Checking in a few times a day or tweeting about your progress is a far cry from watching every like and retweet you get roll in. 

Delete time-waster games from your phone - Farmville isn’t going to help you finish your novel and it’s (for me) way, way to easy to get sucked into these kinds of things for far longer than you expect.

Schedule - Budget your time and stick to it. Whether your goal is in hours spent or word count, do your best to follow through. 

Power through the hard parts - Sometimes you hate the part you’re writing. Write it anyhow. Get past it so you can move on. Editing will come later and maybe you’ll hate it less as a reader than as the writer. The key is to keep putting one word in front of the other. It’s the only way to finish.

Don’t sweat the small stuff - If a scene is really hard, write *insert fight scene here* or *somehow he gets to the airport here* or *aliens do alien things, IDK, figure this out later.* You can come back to it. If you have momentum, just keep moving forward.  

Ultimately, all of these things are what help me write so much day in and day out. It comes down to consistently choosing to write over other things in my life, even when it’s hard and I’d rather not bother. Everyone has their own methods and tricks, but these things help me (when I’m not being a big old hypocrite) and hopefully they’ll help some of you, too. Remember that you can do this, even if you never have before, even if it seems daunting. Every single person who has ever written a novel had to figure out their own way of navigating that process and I suspect it has never once been easy for any of us. I’m sure someone out there will disagree with some of my advice. That’s cool. Everyone has their own way of doing things. But these things help me and, since I’ve been asked a lot how I manage to write so much, it seemed as good a time as any to share.

Happy writing, all! See you when we all come up for air in December!

[josiebelladonna]

yeah, i said i was going to unplug (i turned my tablet off and i’m not even going anywhere near twitter or anything), but i shared this in a private “anything goes” kind of group. i’m not exaggerating about any of this. i sincerely feel like that’s the reaction i get whenever i share a joke that made myself laugh or (infamously) when joey spoke about me on the jasta show. the whole world’s falling apart and yet i have the audacity to talk about my hero liking me. fuck me, right? and that blue ring isn’t deceiving you, either: i share my drawings on stories now because i know no one’s going see them or care about them (or not flag them as inappropriate); i also feel like no one will be curious enough so as to come onto my profile and check them out. and i’m pretty much strictly on ig now, anyway - i post on my art blog out of principle, if i’m honest. artists are so screwed on here now that no matter how much you beg people to support you, all you’ll get is a shitload of likes; if you’re lucky, an ask or two but with tumblr being as glitchy as it is now, i’m lucky to actually see it instead of getting a ghost notification and i’m left wondering “what happened? where’d it go?”

yeah, you know, it shouldn’t be counter-intuitive. good things happening to someone like me who’s had it rough should lift your spirits. but i guess that’s just way too hard now. i guess it’s too difficult to stop and water the plants anymore. everyone would rather wallow in their own misery and let themselves waste away than realize that sweet does in fact exist and sometimes all it takes is an encounter between a little artist girl and an indian guy from new york to open your eyes to that. and yet, i grew up in a world that was spiraling, and it was accentuated throughout this past decade and the brain-dead generation before me not doing shit to fix it (just to be clear: i consider myself more a part of gen z than i do the millennials, even though i’m *technically* a millennial - i was born in 1993, which is like the cusp date for that generation but... whatever). empty promises followed by nothing because they all want to be well-behaved - no joke: i’ve been shamed more by millennials than gen x or boomers or whoever just for being me.

i felt something in the air around the time chris passed, like something enormous was going to happen, not just to me but to the whole world. around the time chris passed: 3 years ago. i just felt it in my bones. i’ve seen people talk about that feeling beginning from last year.

i don’t know how to explain it other than metaphorically: i’m walking through a vast, scorched wasteland that’s ailing and can’t breathe. i’m ailing and can’t breathe, either. i need to eat. i need to heal. i need something, someone. i need soft touch. meanwhile, everyone has dollar signs in their eyes. everyone can’t stop fighting with each other. all everyone wants is to be hard and tough, no matter their gender. nothing makes any sense: too many contradictions and not enough straight truth. no one seems to realize that the earth is dying. i pitch a tent in a clean spot atop a high mountain and stay there with nothing more than my own tormented thoughts. as i’m breathing the clean mountain air, my lungs clean up and return to how they were when i was an elementary school age kid and living out in the country with my grandparents. i remembered how good it is to eat and i let my body heal (and fill out). the air down below was getting worse so i climbed up the mountain even more. my partner in crime told me it was useless because it’s going to follow us up the mountain, so he went into the shadows and i never saw him again. i pitched another camp to heal my wounds and spend more time alone; then at some point, i picked up again, with the nuclear wasteland down below worsening. as i came to the top, i met a guy and his wife and they were both so nice to me because they, like me, had been climbing this mountain for some time now. i know right away that he’s not an unknown but he’s not very well known. regardless of his relationship, i looked into his eyes and i almost immediately started liking him. i showed them my scars and they both put their arms around me and assured me that the next camp was coming up with the storm clouds brewing overhead. i turned my head to the barren valley down below and i wanted everyone else to follow us. but instead, all we got were people throwing trash up our way (everyone’s all hard and tough, hard and tough enough to chuck trash up a mountain slope :P). he then turned his attention to me and said, “don’t worry about them, sweet girl. it’s just gonna be us for a while.” and she said, “they’ll come when they realize the error of their ways.”

welcome to my life in the 2010s, everyone. it’s a harsh reality and it’s going to make you utterly intolerable to be around because you take in everything at face value without question because you never questioned it before. welcome to my loneliness, surrounded by nothing more than anguish and negativity. just gonna say this right now: there is an end to it, but only if you let it come to you. you don’t have to summit a mountain like i did, but it helps if you... you know. shut the hell up and look past your own bubble. pitch a tent and gain some perspective. the only difference is i didn’t complain when my depression was at its worst: then again, i couldn’t. i didn’t want to inflict that onto people and i wanted to rid of that feeling so i made a radical lifestyle change.

and by the way...

if you’re curious what kind of plants i’m growing, all kinds of stuff! chili peppers, cilantro, blackberries, gooseberries, catnip, peas, and tomatoes. i’ve always loved gardening, about as much as i love being devious and surprising the hell out of people. before i was nirvhannahcornell, i was nirvhannah’s garden.

[functioningcog]

Hitting the bail button

  "Commercial television delivers 20 million people a minute. In commercial broadcasting the viewer pays for the privilege of having himself sold. It is the consumer who is consumed. You are the product of TV. You are delivered to the advertiser who is the customer. He consumes you. The viewer is not responsible for programming - You are the end product."(Serra and Fay, 1973)

  If it was true of television, it's even more true in the interactive and widespread media platforms of today. Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. Their brands are omnipresent. You are not their consumer. You are their product, and your data is offered and sold to the highest bidder. I have known this for sometime, but the mountain of reasons not to participate has finally tipped me over the edge. I am deleting Facebook. This doesn't make me better than anyone else, nor am I hear to preach. I just thought I'd share with you my reasons. Do with it what you will. First, a look into the past. Both mine, and ours.

  In the fast food documentary "Super Size Me", one of the participants tells an anecdotal tale about cigarette companies of the past. Long before it became socially taboo to smoke, advertising for cigarettes was as commonplace, though maybe not as entertaining, as many ads we see today. Big Tobacco went further though; they advertised directly to children. Children far below legal smoking age were given toy cigarettes. It's hard today to see this as innocuous, but I imagine at the time most people had far bigger things to worry about. Well, those little innocuous toy cigarettes often had name brands on them. The tobacco companies were practicing "brand imprinting" on children as young as toddlers. They would pretend to smoke with their parents, and later on when they were old enough to smoke, they would unconsciously reach for the name brand they were familiar with. The sinister side of marketing, hard at work. It has not changed or improved in the years since.

  Once when I was a kid, my father sat me down to have a talk. I wasn't in trouble; just being educated. The topic was Pokémon. The adorable, ubiquitous, trademarked pocket monsters that have dominated their corner of popular media for just about the same amount of time as I have been alive. They exist in many forms, and have evolved with the times. Videogames, toys both stuffed and model-like, card games, TV shows and films, all ad infinitum. My dad told me about the addictive nature of the games; how it's designed to grab hold of your attention, and your pocket book, and never let go. I don't remember his exact words, but the message has never left me. "Pokémon is addictive. I'm not going to buy you addictive things". 

  Not only is Pokémon addictive, but my father also stressed the fact that it creates a never-ending cycle for itself. There will always be new games, new cards, etc. Many medias that we enjoy have a planned ending to them. Movies, books, most TV shows, etc. They conclude and we move on to something else. We now live in an age where some of the most pervasive means of entertainment do not end. There is no logical stopping point. You can look at memes and posts and photos as long as your heart desires. 

  Note on Pokémon: I don't think the brand itself is evil. I have played the games in recent years and enjoy them. The lesson my dad taught me about addictions and marketing just happened to feature them. I wish I could say I have continued to avoid addictive habits and tech as an adult, but the battle is a lifelong one. Other addictions, mostly minor, have come and gone. It is the most pervasive and major one that brings me here; "Facebook"

  Before I dive more into my own experience with Facebook, I'd like to share with you several of the most important influences that led me here today. The first is a fictional short story told via the anthology series "Black Mirror"; a favorite show of mine. The other two are documentaries, one from last summer and one newly released.

   If you are unfamiliar with the show Black Mirror, it is an anthology series that explores the ethics and future of technology in our world through short self-contained stories. I highly recommend it. The Season 3 episode "Nosedive" follows a young woman in a world in which social standing is determined by internet interactions. People like and rate each other based on every interaction throughout their day. On your best behavior? You get some points. Accidentally snap at someone or make an off-color joke? You lose some points. Those points determine what events you attend, what cars you drive in, what jobs you can do, etc. It's not hard to extrapolate from there how our society is already well on its way to this kind of a system. The more addicted to social media we are, the more our lives revolve around the attention we get there. Likes and comments dominate our daily mood; they certainly have mine for years. It made me uncomfortable to realize how much my emotions could be controlled by digital reactions, or lack thereof. As "Nosedive" faded to black, I immediately pulled up my Facebook feed and then froze in place for a minute. "This is it. I'm looking at it". A sobering realization, yet I didn't stop my usage. The addiction continued, but no longer felt wholly innocent.  By the by, this technology now exists in China. Look it up.

   "The Great Hack" tells the story of a British Company called Cambridge Analytica, and how it developed it's technology to a point which the British government labeled "weapons grade communication". Analytica had contracts with a number of internet companies and groups to collect data on their users and used this data to develop tools, ads and propaganda designed to affect their target audience in highly specific ways. With the knowledge freely and unwittingly offered up by social media users, the degree to which you can predict and direct the users behavior and actions is truly disturbing. It's just human psychology and sociology combined with the newest tech. Cambridge Analytica used this data to influence elections in a number of countries around the globe, most notably the U.S. 2016 and the Brexit campaign in the U.K. They were hired first by Ted Cruz, then by Donald Trump's campaign. At the peak of the election season their American home base was being funded to the tune of over a million dollars a day and by it's end they had created and shared literally millions of targeted ads on social media. Were the ads truthful or reliable? Didn't matter. They were targeted at people most likely to shift their opinion based on the right information. And it worked. I wouldn't say that they single-handedly won the election for Trump, but they played a major part. 

  Cambridge Analytica was later shut down, but the cat’s out of the bag. I would expect to see both sides playing by these new rules throughout 2020. And that's all without even mentioning Russian hackers and bots, which Cambridge Analytica had nothing to do with. This documentary disturbed me. My own internal arguments and justifications in favor of Facebook were wearing thin. I began attempting to limit my usage, and calling out unreliable news posts when I saw them. But I also kept logging on daily. Repeatedly. My awareness of my addiction was growing more acute. I noticed my own behavior and reactions to the site more than before. The camels back was just a couple straws away from breaking point.

  “Screened Out” focuses primarily on the how and why of social medias effects on us as people. The aforementioned psychology of what's happening. Turns out, it was always intended to addict us and keep us coming back for more. It's inherent in the design. Like gambling, like cocaine, our seemingly innocent social media is triggering dopamine reactions in our brain. Every like, every reaction, every notification is designed to draw your attention and satisfy the itch the system itself gave you. It was crafted this way knowingly and intentionally. The most widespread addiction in our modern world is available for all ages and free to top it off. Just like those toy cigarettes I mentioned earlier, the tech companies and marketing developers know quite well that children are more unsuspecting and susceptible to addictive behaviors and media. My childhood was predominantly internet free, and for that I am thankful; my addiction developed as an adult. But many children of today have all the access they want to social media and it's hard to argue it’s a good thing. They are becoming reliant on and obsessed with their image and perception before they even know who they are. Their addiction has drawn many of them into depression, or even suicide. Is being "connected" really worth it at this price?

  One of the most common and persistent things I've told myself: "It's a way to stay in touch with family and friends".  Yes, it certainly is. When the site was created, that goal was much more front and center and easier to enjoy. It's an admirable goal too, and if it works for you I'm happy for you. From where I'm sitting, Facebook's use for that well-meaning purpose has taken a backseat to what dominates its feed. As I scroll through multiple times a day, 80-90% of what I see is ads for things I don't need, news that I usually could do without or that is outright false, memes I could find elsewhere and people arguing and debating topics that are better discussed in person or not at all. This is what Facebook is for me now. That once enticing prospect of glimpsing the lives of my friends and family surfaces from time to time, and it's still enjoyable. Unfortunately, the bad outweighs the good these days. Again, if your experience is better than mine, please enjoy it and I'm happy for you.    Aside from "Screened Out", the last piece of this decision was caused by nature; not human, but microscopic. I already knew about how fake news is created and spread via Facebook and Twitter. Donald Trump showed us just how incredibly effective it is and more evidence is not really necessary. Enter COVID-19. A global pandemic that should unite people of all beliefs in a common goal of defending ourselves from an enemy that has no morals or code. An enemy that has no mind or plan of its own. It simply spreads. 

  What did social media do in the face of this crises? Everything negative and nefarious about it kicked into high gear and was on full display. False narratives and conspiracies that actually endanger lives in the immediate future spread like wildfire. People arguing about data and statistics that effect us all and are utterly bipartisan. Guys, this is not ok. I do not think it an exaggeration to say that social media is precipitating a partial or total collapse of society. Something must be done to fix it, and I don't know what that something is. But I'm bowing out. This is not a system that can be fixed from the inside. Picture a casino sponsoring a gambling addicts rehab right next to the slot machines. You'd be better served just not going.   As I said at the beginning, I don't want to sound preachy. My goal here was to share my decision making process and some information sources that you might appreciate. Maybe you're better at tuning out the bad side of social media than I am. Maybe you have ways by which you limit your exposure to it. I personally have addictive tendencies, and this is my way of addressing one of my longest and most insidious habits. And yes, I know that tumblr is technically another social media platform. My current intention is to use it as an outlet for my writing.

  If you read all that, hi-five. Maybe being off Facebook will lead me to write more on my blog. I wish you all well and look forward to talking to you on other platforms or in person. Peace  - JCP

[suit-lady]

Look, I’m sorry that y’all gotta see this again but fuck tumblr tbh I wanted the post to actually work so here it is in link form love you xoxo

A huge thanks to the lovely Kenzi, @tomfooleryholland. This is our brainchild together, so bless her. Also, I am so sorry for the length. Also, the title is from the one scene with Childish Gambino when he goes, “I think I know what a girl sounds like.” We thought it was cute. I know you probably don’t care about all of this, so… Intro begins at 00:32, Typical Accent Stuff begins at 00:50, Get to Know Me begins at 03:22, and Tom Holland Stuff begins at 07:12. Anyways, I hope you enjoy listening to my voice for ten million years. xoxo

Also, I’m putting everything under the cut bc this post is a year long

 Intro:

What’s your name?

Url?

Age?

Where you’re from?

 Typical Accent Stuff:

Pronounce: Aunt, Roof, Route, Theater, Iron, Salmon, Caramel, Fire, Water, New Orleans, Pecan, Both, Again, Probably, Alabama, Underoos, Lawyer, Coupon, Mayonnaise, Croissant, Pajamas, Caught, Larb Gai, Naturally, Aluminium, GIF, Tumblr, Crackerjack, Doorknob, Envelope, Tomato, Potato, Waffle, February, Human, Surprise,

What is a bubbly carbonated drink called?

What do you call gym shoes?

What do you call your grandparents?

Choose a book and read a passage from it? (Maybe own writing if they write?)

 Get to Know Me:

How long have you been on Tumblr?

What are you usually doing when you aren’t on Tumblr?

Any hobbies?

When is your birthday?

What’s something you don’t think your followers know about you?

List some of your favorite (not Tom Holland or Spider-Man related) things.

Coffee or Tea?

How many hours of sleep do you usually get?

 Tom Holland Stuff:

When did you first discover Tom Holland?

Favorite Tom Holland role?

Favorite scene/line in Spider-Man: Homecoming?

Is there a specific role you’d like to see Tom in sometime in the future?

Favorite thing about Tom?

If you ever met Tom, what do you think you’d say to him?

End:

End the audio post with any three words you’d like!

 Tags and caption under the cut:

Sorry that those of you I’m tagging are getting another notif ily

Okay, this was a brainchild in the underoos group chat, so they’re technically all tagged, but I’m gonna try to tag a bunch of you right now. @hufflepuffholland, @peterandchurros, @peterfuckinparker, @peterfightmeparker, @spideytingles, @lgbt-avengers, @softnerdypeter, @thebucckybarnes, @homecunnings, @hollandaised, @parkery, @petersyoink, @infinitypeter, @thomas-tom-holland, @notahug, @tomsh0lland, @penlsparker, @babyparker, @softspidey, @sixtiesholland. That’s all I got off the top of my head. I’m so sorry if I don’t have your user memorized I promise I love all of you. Not in underoos, I wanna tag a couple of other people because I’m a nosey ass bitch and I wanna know what your voices sound like. @bbparker, @parkrpeterr, @padfootparker….? It’s so hard to make friends if you aren’t forced to in a groupchat rip. I love you guys. Also, I know voice sharing is weird so like 100% don’t feel like you gotta. This is just a fun lil thing you can do if you want. Also, if you aren’t tagged and would like to, please do this! Just tag me please please please. Thank youuu

Captioning this took fucking forever, but whatever. I left out the majority of my thinking words because I really didn’t wanna type “um” ten thousand times. I also omitted the book passage because I figured none of you wanted to read through it. Anyways, caption below.

Hey everyone!

Okay, I’m gonna do my best to go through this as quickly as I can because it’s really long, but, before I do that, I’m gonna let you know what I’m doing. Okay. A little bit ago, I saw the regular, typical accent challenge circulating tumblr a little bit, and a friend of mine, Kenzi (@tomfooleryholland on tumblr), and I, we talked about it a little bit, and we decided it would be kinda cute if we did it as a little “get to know me” thing, and made it special for the Tom Holland/Spider-Man fandom. And, so, this is what we came up with. Alright, let’s get started!

Intro: (begins at 00:32)

What’s your name? My name is Jamie, and, on my about, it says “Jamie Rhea”… Rhea is my middle name! Url… My url is suit-lady with a hyphen in the middle! Age? I am nineteen, and I am from a little suburbian area in Indiana.

Typical Accent Stuff: (begins at 00:50)

Pronounce: (I wrote these by sounding them out because that’s the point of saying these words.) Awnt, roof, root, thee-ay-tur, eye-urn, sal-mon, care-a-mel, feye-urr, wah-tur, new oar-lans, pee-kin, bohth, uh-gan, prah-buh-blee, al-uh-bam-a, underoos, lawh-yur, coo-pawn, man-aise, cruh-sawnt, puh-jah-mahs, cot, lap guy, nat-ruh-lee, uh-loo-min-um (I actually read this as al-yoo-min-yum even though that’s not the conventional way to pronounce it in the states), jif, tum-blur, crack-er-jack (how do you what), dawr-nob, on-vel-ope, toe-may-toe, poe-tay-toe, wahh-full, feb-you-air-ee, hue-man, suh-prise. (This was weird)

What is a bubbly carbonated drink called? It’s called soda, and I will fight you on this, okay? Originally, it was called sodapop as a full name, and, if you call it pop, that’s like having a friend called Johnathan and nicknaming him Than. Ya just don’t—y—don’t do it. No. Hm-mm. It’s soda. Soda. Or call it sodapop. No.

What do you call gym shoes? I call them sneakers.

What do you call your grandparents? Okay, I was the first grandchild, so I got to name them when I first learned how to talk, and I took inspiration from what I called my parents, mommy and daddy. And so, my grandparents on my mother’s side are Mi-Mi and Pappy, and my grandparents on my father’s side are Monie and Pacaw.

Choose a book and read a passage from it. This is one of my favorite books, I read it back in highschool. It’s called Kill Me by Stephen White. (It’s most of page 13.) Alright.

 Get to Know Me Stuff: (begins at 03:22)

The fun stuff!

How long have you been on tumblr? This blog is about two weeks old, I think. And then, I’ve actually been on tumblr on a personal, main blog since I was in middle school, so five or six years..?

What are you usually doing when you aren’t on tumblr? As of late, writing…for tumblr, because I post a ton of writing. When I’m not doing that, since it’s the summer, I’m just hanging out at home a lot usually. I haven’t done very much this summer (whoops). When I’m at uni, I’m usually hanging out with my uni friends, cos, once you get to uni, you’re gonna have a lot of friends that live really far away from you, so it’s really hard to hang out unless you’re at uni, so I’ll usually be hanging out with my uni friends or doing homework and studying for engineering school because it’s…it’s rough.

Any hobbies? Writing, obviously, but I like writing all kinds of things, including poetry. I really like poetry. And then, I like reading a lot. I don’t read as much as I used to, cos I don’t have as much time anymore, but I still consider it a hobby. And then, I really like fancy writing and writing letters and stuff like that. I do a little bit of modern calligraphy. It’s nothing special, but I have a lot of fun doing it, so I do it a lot…So, I consider it a hobby.

When’s my birthday? The eleventh of May.

What’s something you don’t think your followers know about you? Okay, this is something that I use for my professors at uni, because one of the “get to know you” things that they’ll always ask you is “tell me an interesting, unique fact about yourself” and so, this is something that I figure they don’t hear from many kids. Anyway, when I was in fourth grade, so I was, like, ten?ish?, I tripped over a dog leash, and I ended up hitting my head really hard on the pavement, and I ended up having head trauma for about a month, which is not a great time…So, I hope that you never experience that cos your brain has to reprogram itself, and it’s…it’s very strange.

List some of your favorite (not Tom Holland- or Spider-Man-related things). Okay, I really like sweaters, I really like stripes, and I really like plaid and flannel shirts…I have, at the very least, a dozen plaid shirts. I really like boots, specifically Timberlands and Doc Martens. I really like Converse shoes. My favorites are my white optic white high top Converse, which have not been white for months, but that’s beside the point. And then I also really, really like the really soft fleece blankets? I currently own four, and, last weekend, my mom and I went out shopping and I tried to convince her to let me purchase another one (because it may or may not have had Spider-Man on it). She refused to let me because she says I have too many. I disagree.

Coffee or Tea? I prefer tea 100% because I’m very sensitive to tannins, which is what makes coffee bitter. I actually don’t like red wine either because of the same reason.

How many hours of sleep do you usually get? When I’m at uni, I get between six and eight. At home, I’ll either say “fuck it” and just not sleep at all or get, like, two hours of sleep (which is terrible), or I’ll get between six and eight when I know that I’m doing something the next day, or I’ll get, like, more than ten. I’m really bad about sleeping for, like, fourteen hours sometimes.

 Tom Holland Stuff: (begins at 07:12)

When did you first discover Tom Holland? I first discovered Tom Holland when he was in the Civil War trailer that introduced Spider-Man to the MCU, which… Since I was a little kid, like, as long as I can remember, Spider-Man has been my absolute favorite superhero 100%. So, when the trailer came out, and I found out that they were finally introducing Spider-Man to the MCU, I literally flipped shit. I was so ecstatic, oh my goodness! So, then I had to find out who this guy was, right? It’s like, “Okay, who gets to play Spider-Man in the MCU? I have to know!” So, that’s how I discovered him.

My favorite Tom Holland role? Okay, cos I’m fake, I have only seen him in Civil War and in Homecoming because I’m trying to convince myself that it’s worth it to buy them all and binge them all because instead of pirating them I would rather support him because I’m that much of a stan. It’s terrible. But…I feel like, even after I watch all of those, I’ll still have the same opinion because of how much passion Tom has for Peter Parker and Spider-Man. Not only is he so similar to Peter Parker, like, as a person, but, since Spider-Man has been his favorite, y’know, for, like, his whole life, he just has so much love for the character, and that’s really evident in the way that he portrays Peter Parker. Y’know, actors always try to their best in portraying the characters that they’re given, but there’s something different with Peter Parker, and there’s always gonna be something different with Peter Parker for Tom…So, I have a feeling that it will stay my favorite.

Okay, favorite scene or line in Spider-Man (Homecoming I got carried away lmao). Okay, I went over this so that I would have something to say, and I got really excited during this part, so I’m gonna stick to one specifically (meaning I could not choose and talked about the movie forever…this one has just been on my mind recently). When they’re practicing for nationals for the decathlon, and Peter is telling their team advisor that he’s not gonna be able to make it to nationals, and Liz is standing up front and she’s like, “Okay, so, what’s the heaviest naturally occurring atom (element, whoops)?” and the one guy slams on the bell and goes, “Hydrogen zolitus! (colitus? I have no idea what the FUCK this is, but I can’t find it on Google. I have looked) That was not the question.” That is SUCH a mood. Honestly, that is SO me. That happens to me all the time. Y’know, you’re doing something, and you’re like, “This is 100% what they want. This is exactly perfect. This is everything that they’re asking for.” And then you do it, and the you’re like, “No. That was not even in the same realm. Nice.” So, that’s one of my favorites because that is a constant mood for me, so me. Alright.

Is there any specific role you’d like to see Tom in sometime in the future? Yes! I’m going to make a reference to his Nerdist interview that he did a while ago, and I’m assuming that you’ve heard it. In the intwerview, he talks about his brainchild of a potential movie, The Advisor, and he has so much passion and love for this little idea that he’s had for…who even knows how long he’s been formulating little details and pieces of this potential film. So, I’m just really excited see him be able to make that movie come to life?? So, it’s not a character role, but his role as the director. I’m just so excited for him to be able to direct that movie in the future and see it on screen rather than just in his mind’s eye. Alright.

Favorite thing about Tom… Physically? My favorite thing about Tom is his eyes because I’m the biggest sucker ever for brown eyes. I love brown eyes with my whole heart. I know that there are so many of you guys that have brown eyes, and you claim that they look like shit. No they fucking don’t. Your eyes are fucking gorgeous, and I hate you. I hate you when you say that your eyes look like shit because it’s not fucking true. (Somebody’s passionate.) Anyway, my favorite non-physical thing about Tom is, like I said earlier, is how passionate he is just about, like, everything that he does, and he’s not afraid to show his emotions and stuff, which is really hard for most (or like some w/e) guys because of hypermasculinity and all that dumb shit. But…He is not afraid to show how he feels, and, in interviews and stuff, his joy and his excitement is always so genuine and real, and that just makes me really, really happy. And, like, the one gifset (I’m assuming that you’ve seen it), when him and Jacob Batalon see each other at a premiere, and they run up to each other and give each other this huge hug, and they’re both so happy and excited to see each other because it’s been forever, and it’s just… -heavy sigh- It’s…it’s very precious. I… Anyway.

 If you ever met Tom, what do you think you’d say to him? Okay… The way that Tom portrays Peter Parker is very special to me. Spider-Man has always been my favorite, and I’ve always really related to Peter Parker, but, especially the way that Tom portrays him… Like, I can’t relate to him as much because I’m getting ready to be a sophomore at university, but, if this movie would’ve come out when I was beginning high school, everything that Peter does, I would be like, “Holy fuck, that is so me. That is 100% me.” Y’know, “big fucking mood” to everything that he does in this movie (aside from being Spider-Man, of course). –sigh- Y’know, so… If I told him anything, that would probably be what I would tell him, is: the amount of passion and love that he puts into Peter Parker means a lot to me because I have a similar amount of passion and love about Peter Parker and Spider-Man, and just… The way that he shows Peter Parker on screen is just, like…it’s really special to me… And I really would like to let him know that if I ever got the chance to meet him, and it makes me really emotional, and my chest is contracting, so I know that I would cry in front of him, but that’s fine, cos he deserves to hear it. Oh my goodness. Okay.

 End: (begins at 13:42)

End the audio post with any three words you’d like. Okay, I’m actually gonna end it with these three words, so I’m gonna go ahead and say this before I end it. Thank you so much for listening to this for fourteen fucking minutes. Ohhhh my god. I knew this was gonna be long, but, like, holy shit! Thanks for listening to my, like, disgusting voice for that long. I’m so sorry?? Okay, I’m gonna tag people after all of the text. I’m gonna put in under a cut so you don’t have to scroll past a bajillion names, and then I’m also gonna caption this underneath (aye). So, if you’re like, “What the fuck did she say?”, you’ll be able to tell, cos I’ll write it down. So, anyway, again, thanks for listening, and… That’s a rap!