#someone in my polyam group posted this as a way they found to explain being polyam to fam that ask how it works

[crowacolyte]

"Where before there was just one thing I could not live without, now there were two. There was no division- my love was not split between them now; it wasn't like that. It was more like my heart had grown, swollen up to twice its size in that moment. All that extra space, already filled."

[spellboundshadow]

Polyamory and Me: Beyond the Kitchen Table

PROMPT: Where are you on your polyam journey and where do you hope to go? (from Polyamory Uncensored)

In this journal entry, I'll breakdown the building blocks of my personal brand of polyamory. First, it's crucial to understand the framework that underpins it all: I practice hierarchal, D&D-table, family-oriented, omnisexual polyamory. At this time, I would be unwilling to do any other versions of those defined terms, so these are the terms I'll be breaking down in this writing.

My Polyamorous Present

Hierarchal

Hierarchy in polyamory is defined as: "In hierarchical polyamory, certain partners are considered to have priority over others." (Britannica.com) ... yes I just quoted an encyclopedia.

This one is controversial, but I have come to believe that all polyamory is hierarchal in some way. Humans love ranking things. And real talk, there is priority given where time and emotional investment are spent. Because those things are finite resources.

I've also learned the hard way that by trying to consider someone "equal" who is not interested in that is only going to end in hurt and disaster. What MzRhythm and I have is really special. And trying to shoe-horn someone into a similar position in my life isn't fair to anyone. However! I think it's important to remember that ALL people are deserving of equal respect and dignity.

I commented on a polyamory post (which I can't find) about a year ago asking "is hierarchy inherently unethical?" and the response that I found most interesting was someone saying something along the lines of "I can't imagine every considering any partner as less than another." We went on to explore that the person in question lives in a polyfidelity triad situation with no kids ... which is very different than my situation. But that conversation was really helpful in defining for myself that (1) no, hierarchy is not a red flag necessarily and that (2) it is possible to respect the rights, dignity, and equality of every person without treating them exactly the same.

I don't think it's ethical for me to say "I will love you the same as I love my wife" because those relationships are never going to be the same. But also, it's important to define expectations for things like "we will sleep in the same bed together unless otherwise discussed" that has to be discussed with other partners when we are going on a trip as a group. Not that we can't sleep with other people on that trip, but practically that looks like discussing sleeping arrangements on every trip.

The challenge of polyamory will always be communication. Hierarchy or not.

D&D Table

I made up this term because my polycule loves to get together and play D&D or board games. It's somewhere between Garden Party and Kitchen Table polyamory. For context: I like this article to explain GPP and KTP. On thinking about it, it's probably closer to KTP than anything else.

So first off, I need my partners and my metamours to be on good enough terms that we can all attend a party together and no one is in the corner talking shit about anyone else or feeling shitty about being there. However, I'd like this to be more than just polite conversation.

The current configuration of relationships and people can (and do monthly) get together together to play D&D and board games. We take turns cooking or bringing food and hang out for hours or days playing games and just connecting with one another. Right now, I'm running Rime of the Frostmaiden for my partners and two metas. Yesterday, four of us went to the Renaissance Festival together.

The challenge here again is communication. I don't want to start any new relationships with people whose other partners I find unbearable or who don't want to interact with me, no matter how much I enjoy the person I am dating. However, I haven't always known how to communicate this in existing relationships. I've had relationships end because the person I was seeing started dating someone new who (1) became a higher priority in their life (and therefore I was deprioritized) and (2) the new person refused to interact with me. That's a thing that is hard to reconcile and I still haven't figured out post-mortem how it could have been overcome without me becoming someone I'm not or the breakup that ultimately ensued.

It's very couple's privilege of me to say "I want to be on good terms with anyone new that you decide to date," but the way my current partners and I do polyamory makes it hard to feel good about a new meta without communication on all sides. If someone refuses to communicate? Well, that's a red flag for me. This might end up being a whole other journal entry right here.

Family-Oriented

In my best, most ideal version of polyamory, I would love to have a core family unit of many adults who live close together (maybe in a homestead format?) and have an interconnected community of love and care. The challenge is finding and maintaining relationships with people who align with my values and who remain aligned as we grow and learn together. And then there's the parenting part.

The first exercise in The Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola is "Your Relationship Role Models." One of the key things that determines how close I am with someone is what am I modeling for my children. I could be having a fabulous time with someone, but I think hard about who I am willing to bring into the "family" circle. That will likely change as they get older and grow up and move on to building their own lives outside of our house, but right now that is a key concern. 

For context, I am "involved" with two people in the polyamorous sense: my wife and Mistress MzRhythm and my lover DreadPirateBones. Both are nesting partners. I currently have no other romantic relationships, but am close with several friends that I consider also family.

But the question then becomes who gets to decide what is considered family. My gut instinct is to say "well MzRhythm and I are married and have kids together so we decide who is in their lives" but that's only one aspect of the situation. DreadPirateBones lives here too, what if he doesn't want someone around all the time as if they are family? Or what if he starts seeing someone and they are around a lot? What if I start seeing someone who MzRhythm doesn't want around? And vice versa?  

Once again, I'm landing on communication. "COMMUNICATE" is house rule number one for a reason haha.

Omnisexual

This one is easier to define, but harder to unpack. I often call myself bisexual because that's the identifier that feels right for me and I use it to mean I am attracted to mascs and femmes ... I don't tend to be attracted to androgyny, although I do tend to be attracted to gender-bending. IDK man, I just want to flirt with all the sexy people and sometimes I don't care what they look like as long as they can keep up with my overactive brain.

However, I do find my emotional relationships with people who identify as men to be less emotionally fulfilling. And that lends itself to hierarchy a bit in my mind, I think. But that is also something that I have had to work on for a long time, because frankly it feels hella threatening when my wife is dating a femme for the opposite reasons. It's not that I think they are going to replace me, but because I have this impression that women tend to be more emotionally available, which allows for deeper emotional intimacy. 

This sentiment has been reinforced by partners who've had other relationships with high emotional intimacy and low disclosure. It feels like those things are correlated and I don't like it. But who am I to dictate how much intimacy my partners find with other people? I need to get OK with feeling left out and I'm not sure how to do that.

On Labels

This isn't part of the definition, but is important to discuss ... I am a huge lover of labels in relationships. I find that it can be reassuring to have a unique label for everyone I am involved with. Labels are not just linguistic constructs, but vital emotional markers ... a kind of shorthand for the collection of feelings and connections that make up each relationship. They help each relationship feel unique and special, and hold a boundary to keep each relationship from infringing on or trying to copy the feelings and definitions of another. To some, this might seem like an exercise in unnecessary categorization, but to me, it's a source of comfort and clarity.

Having a specific label for each person I'm involved with serves multiple purposes: 

It reinforces the notion that every relationship is distinct, a world of its own with its own nuances and dynamics. It's a testament to the idea that love isn't a one-size-fits-all affair.

Labels act as bumpers (like bowling, I guess), guarding against the unintentional blending or mimicry of emotions from one relationship to another. Without them, it can become all too easy for feelings or definitions to blur, potentially causing confusion and emotional turbulence.

But again, labels require a lot of COMMUNICATION! It's not fair to assign someone a label without talking to them about it. And if it starts to feel like it doesn't it? MOAR TALKING!

Looking Ahead

For the journey forward, there are some important questions I've uncovered, which I'll be exploring with my partners. These questions delve into the heart of what defines family, the rules of engagement for adding new partners, the necessary level of disclosure, and the evolving nature of investment in relationships.

These questions include:

What defines family and who in the polycule gets to define it?

What do rules of engagement for adding new partners look like? And how can we discuss this without introducing red flag kinds of privilege into the relationship?

How much disclosure is needed in discussing potential new partners and for what happens with that disclosure once the new relationship is established?

What does "enough" investment look like? This is constantly changing as relationships change and evolve. So a better question might be: What is the framework for asking for more investment in a relationship? How do you say "I don't need this particular investment anymore, thank you!" without it sounding like de-escalation?

What does emotional intimacy look like and how can I foster it in relationships with men? And do I need to if my needs for emotional intimacy are being fulfilled by not-men? Is it fair that men benefit from a sexual relationship with me without being expected to do emotional labor in said relationship? Where is the line?

Together with my partners, I'll have to navigate these complexities, striving for a polyamorous experience that is grounded in love, respect, and open communication.

Fall 2023 Writing Index

This writing has been part of my effort to write everyday from the autumn equinox to the winter solstice. Find the rest of the writings in this series here: Fall 2023 Writing Index

[dyketubbo]

mkay. ive woken up, it doesnt seem like theres any new developments, so. post explaining what the hells been going on about the ae/emeraldduo qpr discourse ig woo. this is going to be from my perspective, because i am one person. shocker. anyways,

basic summary: i made a post saying that because c!kristin is canon and philza and techno have boundaries against shipping, i believed that maybe there should be a genuine effort to chill out with putting c!philza and c!technoblade in a qpr or platonic marriage, as c!philza being married to c!kristin is based off the irl marriage and c!philza and c!technos friend dynamic is based off the ccs dynamic even outside of the dream smp (such as, of course, the antarctic empire being a smpearth thing). i also said this because i feel like theres a genuine problem in the fandom with how it treats kristin, not only in fanart (making her skinny and white), but also just. in general, overshadowing her with the idea of emeraldduo being married, shit like that, and it irked me esp bc shes a woc while philza and techno are white men.

people get pissed at me, both to my face and behind my back, and i get insulted, called stupid, arophobic, anti-polyam, told i dont understand friendship and that i dont have friends. i joined a server just to wake up and find myself banned and blocked with no explanation, left to assume that i was talked about behind my back while i was unable to defend myself. out of all the people who disagreed with me, one person. one. person. was nice to me and didnt call me arophobic, actually giving me constructive criticism and a chance to elaborate. one. i finally start to feel better two days after the fact, consulting people outside the fandom to get second opinions and getting happy when people agreed with me and even gave insight to things i didnt consider, and what do i get?

someone rbed to tell me "not to go on twitter" because people were talking about me, and informing me that there was a group chat dedicated to "talking about how wrong [i am]". what the rest of the post said, i dont remember, because the person seems to have me blocked and i fucking panicked after being told theres literally an entire group of people talking about me on twitter- of which, yknow. is known for harassing people and even once had a black girl doxxed?? not to mention that the person who mocked me for supposedly not having friends did so when i said to leave me alone, and ive said publicly for people to leave me alone consistently, and. well, insulting and going after someone, or even talking about them behind their back, when they said to leave them alone is in fact harassment, by definition.

im accused of not listening to philza, with the only clip being given to me of him talking about c!emeraldduo being like "the platonic version of achilles and patroclus", as if platonic = queerplatonic. yesterday was the first time i was given a clip of phil talking about qprs specifically, given to me by someone who didnt evem disagree with me anyways, again showing the people disagreeing with me were barely actually willing to cooperate with me. i have. complicated feelings on the clip (mainly with how its worded as just headcanons and only given the definition of "platonic life partners" which.. hm.), but this post isnt about that.

regardless, i vent to my friends, because i was having a delusional breakdown, and one makes a post saying they didnt want to interact with the fandom after people went after me. they inform me that both people who insulted me before and others reblogged from their post to again assert that im arophobic, claim that no one was talking about me outside of people publicly talking about how "arophobic" i am (which.. is people talking about me), claim that i called people racist and sexist (i didnt?? i dont think anyones racist and sexist, not even for what i brought up concerning the fandoms treatment of kristin, it gives me a bad taste in my mouth, but i would never call anyone racist or sexist for it [outside of the whitewashing but thats a different issue from the qpr discussion]), and then they were sent anon hate, one even asserting that they were arophobic and talking over minority groups and therefore deserved to be in their bad home situation. outside of their post being in the dream smp tag, its hard to believe that people just. normally found their post. unless they were going through the recent posts in the dream smp tag (which i dont feel is the case), it is.. concerning that they found my friend trying to defend me so quickly and immediately decided to continue to talk about me behind my back and even insult them as well.

so.. yknow, not great in asserting that there arent people tracking me somehow, which is incredibly triggering and paranoia inducing.

either way, in the end, if people disagree with me about the situation, i dont care, i cant stop them, but i just want people to stop being fucking pricks about it. i want people to stop being pissy at me and about me, i want people to stop insulting me and telling me and telling people i interact with that im arophobic when im not. i want people to stop pretending to care when they tell me to take a break when theyre the fucking reasons i have to take a break. i want people to stop being condescending to me, to stop talking about me, to stop acting like theyre superior while fucking insulting me.

i just wanted to bring up an issue about the lack of respect kristin gets, and people as always turned it into something about philza and technoblades relationship when that was literally the behavior that i was complaining about. i hate that me wanting to talk about how kristin and her marriage to phil is treated turned into me having several breakdowns in one day because i kept getting worse and worse news about how people were treating me. i hate that i did take breaks, that i actively distracted myself, went outside, took care of my pets, took care of myself, talked to my friends, and yet people just acted condescending and went all "if you cant handle criticism then leave :/".

what the fuck is wrong with you people? why is it that this fandom actively defaults to harassment and using ccs against fans when an issue arises? and i fucking hate that this is my first goddamn actual interaction with aeduo fans. im genuinely terrified of aeduo fans now if this is how they react to problems. fuck everyone who talked about me behind my back, fuck everyone who acted condescending towards me, fuck everyone who called me arophobic or anti-polyam or whatever the hell they had up their sleeves, fuck every single grown ass adult who saw a teenager have a fucking breakdown over the shit they did and said and decided to continue. fuck everyone who didnt even bother to have a goddamn level conversation with me before insulting me and attempting to tell others that im arophobic and other shit like that.

this shit happened because of two paragraphs. i said two goddamn paragraphs about a personal issue with the fandom i had and now ive genuinely been pushed almost to the point of relapsing. i dont give a shit if people think i have a victim complex, i just want people to leave. me. alone. its the fucking least you could do. oh, and go fuck yourself. if you genuinely thought id be apologizing after that shit, fuck you. i shouldnt have to be the better person with this shit, i shouldnt be pushed to choking on my own fucking tears because people wont let it fucking be. im not goddamn apologizing after three days of getting insulted and harassed and talked about behind my back for a fucking shipping issue. piss off.

[bonesandblood-sunandmoon]

Polyplatonic, but Open

Carnival of Aros - Aug 2019 - “Relationships” from The Aro Anarchist on WP [Link to Call for Submissions].

What does an ideal relationship look like to you?

What a coincidence that I posted something back in April in response to the implication that I have one ideal relationship [link to the untitled post]. By this point, I can’t pinpoint an exact year where I first heard about polyamory, but I’ve been using poly-flexible long enough that I struggle with trying put all of my potentially conflicting needs onto the shoulders of one partner.

This doesn’t mean I have to have a minimum of a certain number of partners, and I honestly may find that spoons drastically affect the point where I get polysaturated after trying polyamory out. It’s rather noticeable in trying to explain the conflicting people of that hypothetical group, but whether there’s a sexual drive or romance drive involved, those two typically aren’t combined and directed at one person. Or to put it another way, I don’t default to wanting to have a romantic and sexual relationship with the same individual. (Unless the planets and stars align just so? But I can’t really predict if or when that might happen; so, it’s safer to err on the side of it probably not happening.)

In hindsight, I think knowing about appromour [link] and wavership [link] would’ve changed how I approached hypothetical Person E (QPP) when I first wrote that post. But the gist still stands that I’m open to doing activities a partner feels is romantic and/or others may read as romantic, even if I’m not sure I can differentiate romantic and platonic.

Do you consider yourself polyamorous or a relationship anarchist? What do those words mean to you as an aromantic person?

In my response to June’s CoA prompt (Imagine A World Without Amatonormativity [Link]), I mentioned that I first encountered amatonormativity from polyam discussions. I don’t quite feel confident in saying that I’m definitely polyamorous when I haven’t had actual experience with more than one relationship, so I’ve stuck with poly-flexible. Honestly, the realization that I’m somewhere in the aro spectrum/umbrella is still new enough that I’m more likely to consider myself a polyam person approaching the aro community.

While I can understand some of the foundational theory where relationship anarchists operate from, I actually haven’t really sought out solely RA (and not overlapping with polyamory) circles. It doesn’t come down to some sort of difference of ideas, opinions, or whatever that might sound reasonable. I just got the shitty luck of the first relationship anarchist I interacted with being someone I didn’t want to interact with any further so I avoided their circles, which extended to RA at the time.

These days, particularly on tumblr, it’s a bit of a coin toss in that I’ve typically found those who overlap polyam and RA in some way. Sometimes, it’s as simple as personally following an RA structure but interacting and tagging polyam because it is/was a larger community or had more frequented tags. For me, leaning into RA doesn’t seem to have room for allo friends who don’t want to fall into amatonormativity but aren’t really committed to RA themselves. RA doesn’t seem like a one-way endeavor, y’know?

How do you feel about various models that a-spec communities have come up with to talk about non-traditional relationships?

I suspect I tried so hard to poke at whether I might want a queerplatonic partner as Person E had to do with QPRs being the most commonly referenced non-traditional relationship model I’ve run into. It’s quite likely they still serve a need, or we probably would’ve abandoned this terminology, but sometimes, I have the distinct feeling that the vague, open spaces for what “queering a platonic relationship” looks like is a tad too vague and open for some people.

Honestly, I feel like I’m treading water with keeping up on friendship maintenance (particularly as it’s moved from in-person daily interaction from school environments to solely LDR/online spaces), and I haven’t really had the spoons for poking at non-traditional relationships. I have friends who I consider Important People, but that doesn’t mean it’s any easier keeping in touch, let alone asking allo friends about whether they’re comfortable doing xyz that’s different from what they’re used to doing in friendships.

Not to mention that bridging the allo to a-spec gap in a friendship isn’t exactly the same as trying to ask about non-traditional relationships. It’s one thing to be like ‘hey friend, do you mind if I do x or say z?’, but once things start to stray too non-traditional, it gets into educational territory and explaining that I’m not trying to date them. (Or force polyam on them, break up their relationship, encourage cheating, etc. Have you had an allo explain what an emotional affair was to you? 10/10 don’t recommend.)

-

tl;dr While I can understand some of the foundations of relationship anarchy, I’m more likely to describe myself as poly-flexible due to longer exposure to polyamory circles. In theory, being able to split different attraction drives between a group of people works better than putting everything on one person’s shoulders, but realistically, I’m not sure if I’ll have the spoons for that in the near future, particularly when you take into account friendship maintenance spoons.

[concerningwolves]

On Discussions of “We didn’t appropriate the word poly!!”

Comments about how “poly” can be used by anyone have been piling up in the notes of my post about writing healthy polyam relationships. While I’m usually the last person to jump on a discourse bandwagon willingly, I do want to address the matter of “Poly or Polyam”, effective immediately. 

I am not Polynesian myself, so there’s a point where I stop being able to talk about this. At that point, I’ll refer to the proper resources.

One comment goes as follows:

"Poly" wasn't appropriated, accidentally or otherwise. Poly is a Greek word meaning many, which was in use 2000 years ago. When Polynesia was named it was done so using the same Greek word, and Polynesia means many islands. They've only had that for around 200 years.

Yes, “Poly” is a Greek prefix meaning many. It’s also in polygamy, polydactyly, polythene... But we’re not here for a language lesson. We’re here to discuss how communities use language to create safe-spaces for themselves, and “Poly” is one such word.

“They’ve only had that for 200 years” doesn’t mean anything. The term “demisexual” was coined in 2008 and that’s a perfectly valid word which most people respect; if someone says they’re demi, those in the LGBT+ community and most allies are going to know that means demisexual/romantic. How long a word has been around for is completely irrelevant--rather, it’s whether a word was used as a form of liberation or reclaimed by a marginalised group that we should be paying attention to.

The next point made by someone else was:

Polyamorous people didn’t ‘accidentally appropriate’ the word. That’s the glorious thing about words. They have multiple meanings, especially in different contexts and environments.

This person was very respectful in their argument and so I can only guess that they’re out of the loop on the issue, which is hardly a crime. (I’m never in the loop for anything lmao, I’m pretty late to this too). But anyway, the point is that while language DOES have a contextual element to it, language is also a powerful tool that helps those who have been marginalised. As I mentioned about “demi”, the abbreviation is generally respected as belonging to the demi/grey/asexual community despite the fact that it means “half” and can also be found in the words demigod, demihuman, demimonde and demiworld.

So yes, context is important--and in this case, the context is who you’re referring to and what the situation is. If you’re chatting with a group of polyam people amongst yourselves then using the word “Poly” is chill, but on a busy website you may need to adjust your speech so that tags, searches and filters will help the right communities.

Then finally, the one that prompted this post in the first place:

I've never heard of Polynesians referring to themselves as "Poly," nor would I call them that. It sounds rather offensive.

Do you think that I, a White person with no personal reason to do so, just pulled this argument out of my arse for the sake of it? That I just formed an opinion based off of nothing that you could then proceed to argue with? That you or I or any other person who isn’t Polynesian has any right to speak for another community? No, no and no.

When I was first researching Polyamory to figure myself out, I came across an article written by a Polynesian woman about how she was really sad that searches for her people were full of polyamourus online communities instead. She had always used “poly” to refer to herself and others from her home--and that stuck with me, because I love language and couldn’t imagine having an empowering word taken away from me.

There’s a knee-jerk reaction to being called out that makes you want to defend yourself, and that’s fine. I’m only here to tell you what I’ve been told and explain why you should be open to listening as well.

This article by a polyamorous person takes a good look at both sides and explains the history of the debate.  Aida explains far more clearly than I could how the issue here isn’t about who gets to use the word, but about respecting individual uses.

There are Polynesians who use the identifier, and Polynesians who don’t. So our role as polyamorous people is to listen and act sensitively according to the information you gain. Don’t start defending yourself with stuff like the bullshit above, please. Just hear people out and respect their feelings.

It doesn’t mean that you can never use the shorthand of “poly” or that you’re a Terrible Bad Person for using it in the past (or even the present), but on a large space like Tumblr where lots of communitues are mingling together and language is the way in which we sift through all that stuff, it’s important to adjust based on the needs of others.

So gauge the situation, consider who might be impacted by what you say and listen before retaliating.