#someone in my class needs a ***90*** for her early entry

[nintendont2502]

God I can't imagine going into atar exams and actually *needing* an atar. Anyone who does im so fucking sorry and also good luck, but I personally am bulllshitting my way through because lmao I only needed a wace to get into uni

[greenhappyseed]

BnHA 324 - Review, parallels, and comparisons

Ochako time again! Play to the crowd with your big hit sound! (See the lyrics for “Break It Down Again” by Tears for Fears; it’s 80s/90s new wave goodness.) Since The Speech is proving divisive, I’ll split it up a bit.

The good:

Screen time for Ochako! And fierce Ochako at that. Personally, the speech feels OOC to me, but then again, Ochako does that sometimes. Remember when the series mocked her “inconsistent characterization”?

Ochako’s not making decisions due to her crush. It’s pretty clear she’s acting as a hero and thinking about saving a fellow hero as part of a mission with her class.

If Izuku and Ochako are building towards a romantic relationship, then I think Izuku watching her be a strong hero is a prerequisite. Let’s be honest, Izuku only swoons for heroes.

This is the first time a hero saves someone who looks like a villain and citizens think is a villain. True, Izuku isn’t actually a villain, but if the crowd accepts him then it’s “one step” towards redeeming the actual villains.

Like last chapter, some of Ochako’s words (“he has a lot to learn”) can be read as insulting to Izuku. But it works. She called Izuku a plain-looking boy early on and has always seen his strengths and weaknesses up close (as 324 reminds us, they first met when he fell flat on his face and she caught him before he hit the ground). He’s not a perfect hero, or even a “complete” hero, but he’s worth saving all the same.

The bad:

It’s the spontaneous ramblings of a 16 year old and could never, on its own, persuade any rational adult. If the chain continues and we have more people speaking up to vouch for Izuku, and we end up going full Spartacus, then we might have something.

From a structural perspective, these chapters are broken up into tiny shards. One moment is spread over 3 (soon to be 4) chapters, interspersed with flashbacks from different characters and multiple narrators (Nezu and Ochako being the main ones, but Izuku takes over at the end of 324 and Iida has a bit too). Just figuring out who is talking — and when in the timeline they’re talking — is challenging and breaks up the flow.

It feels like every few panels is trying to hit a thematic beat and then assign that beat to a character rather than build out how each character reacts to a theme.

The pros and mentors are infantilized to a pretty extreme degree. Hawks wowed the crowd at the billboard rankings; Thirteen is a rescue hero skilled at managing disaster zones; Present Mic is a radio DJ and entertainer as well as a pro hero; and Jeany used to give speeches in Vigilantes about heroism. But in a series that has taken great pains to show the technical skill of the top adult pro heroes, it feels like they’re being nerfed to give Ochako her moment.

The …maybe?:

Ochako’s message calls back to the Top 3 press conference in Ch.306 (which she narrated). In 306, upon being challenged that he didn’t understand the pain of the average citizen, Endeavor asked if heroes showing their exhaustion and tears would fix everything. The reporter representing the “angry mob” said no, heroes need to take down every last villain. Endeavor agreed that action and a finding path forward was the right thing to do. He basically admitted heroes wear masks to hide their true feelings so they can focus on their jobs. But now in 324 (right side below), Ochako takes the opposite approach. She says she can’t reassure the crowd because she, and all the other heroes, are scared too. I can see how that helps the heroes, but not how it calms the crowd. Maybe Ochako’s speech is better read as a rallying call for others who will do the actual crowd persuasion.

Seeing 2 panels of Endeavor when Ochako talks about a hero hurting and heroES hurting is … a choice. My guess is it’s a nod to Endeavor as #1 and his failing to ever put people (including fellow heroes) at ease. When heroes are hurting and the pro hero profession is under criticism, it was, traditionally, on his shoulders to fix it as the #1. But it really shouldn’t be. If a coordinated raid of hundreds of heroes failed, then it can’t be on one man (who is himself a hero and not a strategist or administrator) to protect them all.

Ok, let’s talk about some non-speech bits!

Hell YES it’s Izuku’s hero academy and he’s earned his place there for the rest of his life just like All Might. (I suspect this means if he loses OFA at the end, Nezu will still accept him at UA). It’s a good reminder that Izuku still needs to hear that he has become a hero and he belongs with other heroes. Actions matter first and foremost, but words DO matter too.

The “smile together again” motif has been bothering me because it’s repeated by several characters. But IIRC it comes from Nighteye, and only All Might, Mirio, and Izuku think of “smiling” as such an important thing. Iida and Ochako weren’t a part of the Nighteye storyline aside from Ochako evacuating Nighteye post-injury, so it’s odd to hear them so focused on smiles. Same for Bakugo — the remedial class taught him about saving hearts but the smile thing is much more an All Might/Nighteye concern. The other mention of smiling this arc has been Endeavor and Hawks taking about AFO, who is always smiling.

Aizawa is in the hospital alone (sob!). His friends and coworkers are all off doing their duty, sacrificing a personal connection for the greater good. But…is he looking at a tablet? Like is he FaceTiming???? I want to know for real, but I’m also feeling spicy and want to see wrong answers.

The guy in the All Might shirt is fascinating. Last chapter he was dismissive of Izuku’s special power (not realizing Izuku is All Might’s handpicked successor or that Izuku’s power IS All Might’s quirk). This chapter he’s asking if the heroes expect him to be covered in filth. The irony here is that All Might very much expected Izuku to get dirty and do the unglamorous work of cleaning a beach as the “first step” to gaining entry to UA. (Oh, and Izuku was wearing an All Might T-shirt at their first beach meeting.)

(And remember, Izuku’s literal first step on the UA campus was when he fell and Ochako saved him.)

Finally, the umbrellas. Did anyone notice how the citizens started sharing their umbrellas at the end of this chapter? The guy in the All Might tshirt was offered shelter by starshirt dude. And the front line citizens who were previously pumping their umbrellas in the air and holding hands to stop Izuku are now bringing umbrellas down and using them for cover while their hands separate. Also, Mitsuki shares an umbrella with Inko. It’s like, I said I'll always be your friend, took an oath, I’mma stick it out til the end. Now it’s raining more than ever, know that we’ll still have each other. You can stand under my umbrella. Eh?

[popculturebuffet]

Tex Avery Birthday Spectacular!

Hello all you happy people! And welcome to a celebration of the only cartoon director I knew as a kid and one of the finest whose ever lived, Mr. Tex Avery. 

Avery is a legend in the animation industry and rightly so. Starting out at a few other studios, and loosing sight in one of his eyes due to some tomfoolery at one, Tex was annoyed with the restrctive enviorment and eventually found his way to Termite Terrace, the animated shorts wing of Leon Schislenger Productions, aka the future Warner Brothers Studios and the makers of Looney Tunes. And his impact on the franchise is vast, cannot be overstated and I only learned about just how much recently: The man created Daffy Duck and Bugs Bunny, created the prototype for Elmer Fudd, and created the design for Porky we’re all far more familiar with. 

Eventually though while he was happy there, his career when ended when he eventually got into a squabble with Leon schsinger over the ending of “The Heckling Hare” and left soon after. Given he got a four week unpaid suspension for it , a bit extreme given all he’d given the studio, I can’t blame him. He instead went over to MGM who badly needed his wacky energy, and thus got to go as nuts as he wanted, with creative control a better budget and the result was his peak and classic characters like Red and my personal faviorite and personal boy: Droopy. I will try and do a birthday thing for him next month, we’ll see if my rather packed schedule will allow for it. Point is I watched the guys cartoons a lot as a kid between looney tunes and his shorts being repacked for the Tex Avery show in the late 90′s, and until recently I had no idea the depth and scope of his career: The guy gave looney tunes it’s standard fourth walll breaking and made it a huge part of the industry, and he was the one to hlep htem break out of being a Disney knockoff and into what we know today. The guy has my utmost respect so today I honor him as the first animator to get one of my birthday specials: As is my standard ten shorts, my patreons get to pick one each (I now have two but she start’s next month so her benefits will too) if they so choose (Kev opted out of the porky pig one next week) and I went to my friend blah for a recomendation as he’s an avid fan of the golden age of animation and thus usually has a really good choice up his sleeve. Now that’s out of hte way join me under the cut for some shenanigans as old tex would want it that way. 

1. The Gold Diggers of 49 (1935)

This was Tex Avery’s first short with warner and the first of his I could find, not ot mention his first time working with Chuck Jones and Bob Clampett, who he’d mentor and go on to be the heart and soul of Looney Tunes and define the characters Tex created. And since this is more significant than his earlier work i’m coutning it as his first. And as a start it’s.. ehhhhhhh. 

I don’t blame him for it though.  Most don’t hit it out of hte park their first time up to bat, and frankly the deck was stacked against him. He was saddled with Beans the Cat...

No one brak no one. He was part of an attempt by warner to create a new star as part of a Little Rascals/Our Gang style group of kids debuting in the short “I Haven’t Got a Hat”. This short is notable not for Beans, who no one cares about, but for the debut of Looney Tunes first star: Porky Pig. Porky was just one of the various characters but the only one audiences really liked. It took some time for Warner to get the hint though, hence Beans starring here and Porky playing his girlfriend’s father.. and also now being much older than him for some reason. 

So instead of being a Little Rascals ripoff bean is now a mickey mouse ripoff, as the short gives me mickey mouse vibes.. but without the things that made those shorts actually good and feels mostly built on studios trying to make what they think audiences will like. There’s sparks of waht Tex would become.. but just not enough wiggle room for him to make something special. Also porky looks and sounds weird in this one and Bean’s girlfriend has a REALLY annoying voice. Oh and two horrible Asian stereotypes, because it was acceptable at the time but lord was it never okay. Then again I should be at least mildly greatful none of the shorts had blackface.. because tex apparently REALLY had a problem with that, something I obviously didn’t know as a kid as they edited it out but given most of his MGM shorts have “blackface edited out of x version”, yeahhh.... I may like the guy, quite a bit and feel those gags weren’t done out of malice.. but it dosen’t make them okay, they were never okay and he should’ve done better. 

2. I Love to Singa (1936) Thankfully our next entry is 800% better, as we get a classic from my childhood and probably multiple childhoods. Admittedly part of the reason this one stuck in my head is the title song, sung by a young jazz singing owl whose dad doesn’t like that he sings Jazz instead of classical, enters a contest and nearly looses singing classical to please his dad only for his dad to intervene and finally accept his son. It’s a wonderful story of acceptance with some decent gags, beautiful animation and one hell of a title track that will probably never leave my head. The song is really what makes this short and sometimes that’s okay. Also just to note so someone else doesn’t: This short was a parody of the Jazz Singer one of the first talkie’s.. and also a film that uses blackface and whose 80′s remake bafflingly also uses blackface for some reason. Yes really. 

3. Tortoise Beats Hare (1941)

One of Tex’s only four Bugs Shorts.. but given 3/4 of them are certified classics, and one of them involving a horrible stereotype.. to the point it’s part of the rightfully infamous “Censored 11″ and the ONLY one involving Bugs Bunny. 

So as I said, Tex has a bad history with casual racism, and while it was the style at the time and I don’t THINK he was actively malicious towards black people.. it doesn’t make some of his work any less harmful. The rest of his bugs work though is remembered for the right reasons: his first appearance, and early classic we’ll get to next.. and this standout everyone who saw it as a kid or an adult fondly remembers. 

You all know the premise: Bugs finds out, in an utterly brilliant wall shattering bit at the start where he reads off the crew names and then the title, that this picture will have him beaten by a turtle and taking offense to that challenges the guy. This is honestly one of the few Bugs shorts where he’s the out and out villain of the picture. He’s doing this race purely out of ego, yells at Cecil whose perfectly nice in this one, and in general is the bully set up for a fall he’d later be famous for taking on. But it works, both because this si early in bugs career so it’s entirely in character, and because Mel just really sells the obnoxiousness while still being funny. 

This short also has one of Tex’s trademark setups as this is essentially a prototypical droopy cartoon: A meek, goofy voiced protagonist whose shorter than his large obnoxious enemy and who torments him by showing up every where he’s going to be and casually doing it. Cecil even does so using an army of fellow turtles with Droopy later using a similar trick in one of his shorts. As a big Droopy fan i’m clearly not complaining and while Droopy would do it better, this short’s still a classic for a reason with tons of great bits and is a fun break from the usual bugs setup, though in full fairness the usual bugs setup is still solid gold so take that how you will. 

4. The Heckling Hare (1941)

Originally I was going to have Daffy in Hollywood in this spot as I thought it was on Max, it was not,  so I swapped it out with his final bugs cartoon. For the record his first, and Bugs, is being saved for Bugs birthday this summer. And honestly i’m glad I did because this was 7 mintues of pure joy that has another setup that Tex himself and other Looney Tunes animators would resuuse: Bugs being pitted up against a far dumber antagonist. One who often still fully deserves it but allows him to just have fun for several minutes at this dumb bastard’s expense. It works well here, with tons of clever gags, my faviorite being the two doing dumb faces with each other only for bugs to stop and pull out a sign as seen right above. 

It’s also an approriate capper to our warner made Tex shorts for the day, as this would be the one that got him fired. He and Schisnger argued over it and he got suspended as I mentioned and I found it again a bit fucking extreme. So did Tex and after a handful of shorts elsewhere, he’d move over to MGM, whose cartoons would ironically be bought up by warner. They needed a shot in the arm to compete with Disney and Warner and Tex was happy to provide hte needle filled with nonsense. And the results.. are pure gold. 

5. Dumb Hounded (1943)

I’ll admit as a kid I didn’t know Tex’s MGM shorts were theatrical, or any shorts but somehow I knew they weren’t looney tunes. Besidds obviously having hteir own show they just had their own tone and pacing and style. While the Looney Tunes aren’t bad, at all honestly, Tex’s work here was in a class by itself with MGM gladly giving him a higher budget and even more creative freedom. And the results speak for themselves and one of those results is one of if not my faviorite classic cartoon character. And since I might not be able to get to his birthday with one of these next month, though i’m certainly going to try march is just VERY VERY FULL. Anyways point is our happy hero was introduced here. And given i’m frequently depressed and often withdrawn, not that you could tell from my reviews here, I related to this depressed bulldog who always won anyway despite being an outsider, finding love, sucess and always beating a much larger, much more assholish antagonist. But Droopy is good on his own merits as his shorts are just that funny. 

This was true from Day One as dumb hounded is fucking perfect: The Wolf that Avery always used in his cartoons escapes from jail and is hunted by bloodhounds including our boy, who charmingly introduces himself with “You know what, i’m the hero”. From there it’s a simple setup but a great one as Droopy finds the guy.. then chases him from here to enternity with one amazing gag after another. Simple, utterly hilarious and the dawn of a legend, with the ending having Droopy go a bit nuts after getting his reward money before returning to his usual demeanor “You know what? I’m happy” So am I bud, so am I. 

6. Red Hot Riding Hood (1943)

Yup same year. Tex hit the ground sprinting. This one is his signature MGM toon and for good reason. Using his usual forth wall breaking style, both the wolf and red riding hood rebel when it opens with a typical telling, so it changes to a 40′s nightlife setting: Grandma lives in a penthouse and is man hungry, Red is a fanservicey night club act and the Wolf is a sexually harassing asshole who chases after here and has some over the top reactions to her that are iconic in some’s mind.

The short is gorgeously animated with Red’s dance sequence and Wolfie’s reactions being the highlight and the short isn’t as bad as it could be as the wolf is treated as a scumbag for hitting on her and generally being a creep. SO the first two thirds aren’t bad with nice touches like the narrator clearly improvising the new story. It’s just badly hampered by the last half where Grandma sexually harasses Wolfie and it just doesn’t work. This double standard stuff annoys me and “haha get it it’s funny when a woman stalks a man” isn’t funny. Wolfie stalking her really isn’t that funny either it’s just not you know an entire third of the film. So a classic for a reason.. but one that really has degraded with time. Still worth analyzing and what not, just not great. 

7. Who Killed Who? (1943)

Yes still. It was a good year. This is another one off like Red Hot Riding Hood and as is tradition since the Tom and Jerry one, my patreons each get to pick one and Kev selected this one. And this.. was a great choice. 

Seriously I could not stop laughing with a great gag a minute, WAY too many to mention, a classic ending, and just nothing but net the whole time. I don’t have much to say really.. but because this one’s just good. The whodunnit genre hasn’t really gone away, it’s cliches are welll known even today and this is a lovely parody of it that hits the ground running after a live action intro and runs right through the wall across a lake and straight into droopy “You moved.”. 

The only real observation I have other than “This is fucking awesome watch it immediately” is that the villian looks exactly like the Phantom Blot. Who knew the Phantom Blot was a live action guy with a weird haircut the whole time huh?  Seriously this one is a masterpiece, an instant faviorite, and I highly recommend it. 

8. Screwball Squirrel (1944)

As you can probably guess by how I lead it in this one is not very good. It is tex TRYING to make a bugs or daffy type character again and somehow failing at it. He created them, he did plenty of shorts like theirs with other characters and got how the cat and mouse antics of the old theatrical shorts worked.. so I have no idea how this one happened. 

I’m really not overselling it: The short is about Screwy, who hyjacks it from a cute widdle bunny clearly parodying bambi.. who he beats the shit out of, then decides to get things going asks a dumb dog to hunt him, then insults him to provoke him to attacking him. He then spends the entire short tormenting the poor dumb bastard who again HE PROVOKED. It feels like a poor imitation of dumb hounded, as while Bugs clearly outclassed the dog there, he’d die if he lost, so while he was punching down, he clearly didn’t have a choice and you can’t honestly blame him. Here, Screwy is fine, he just wants someone’s head to fuck with and spends a whole short torturing him. We don’t even get catarsis as while the dog does catch him at the end via  weird gag, they end up deciding to beat up the bunny instead. 

His voice is also just the worst, just utterly grating and making me wish an anvil woudl fall on HIM instead. Screwy would return for some other shorts but I have no idea why. This was easily the weakest of these ten shorts and I will probably not return to the guy next year.

9. Bad Luck Blackie (1949)

This is one i’d forgotten till I got a ways in. It’s also weirdly one of the only MGM Tex shorts on HBO Max as this was included in the Tom and Jerry collection for some reason, the dog in it clearly isn’t the tom and Jerry verison of spike... though the dog Droopy fought a lot was indeed called spike. Yes that is confusing, no I don’t know why MGM thought this was a good idea. 

 As a result though I have been saving giving out about this till now but seirously , put the tex avery shorts on HBO Max. Their on Blu-Ray, their on boomerang, especially Droopys. I do not get why they aren’t on here. I’m tired of them holding things out for the boomerang app when not everyone subscirbes to that. Let me have my morose dog dammit. 

That giving out aside i’m glad this one caught my eye via i’ts weird name as it’s another masterpiece. It also does what one Tom and Jerry short I reviewed, the one where tom’s a millionare,  earlier this month failed to: properly make it’s antagonist loathsome enough to deserve the parade of abuse he gets. With that one Tom is tourturning jerry for like 30 seconds, but Jerry torments him for most of 5 minutes. 

Here we get about two minutes of our lead kitten getting torremnted by a mean bulldog. It’s not only still a bit entertaining to lessen the horror just enough to be watchable but not enough to make the bulldog likeable, but it makes what happens for the rest of the short oh so fucking satsifying. While the previous short today really didn’t get the karmic ballance neded for a good classic screwball comedy short this one overwhelmingly does.

Our kitten gets some help in the form of Blackie, a professional black cat who agrees to turn the tables, sauntring across to a wonderfully catchy tune. any time the little guy whistles. The result from there is 5-6 nonstop minutes of comedy genius, as Tex finds new and creative ways for the cat to come out of nowhere, and even shakes things up to keep it intresting towards the end iwth the dog getting the whistle.. only for it to still not work out, and for our little kitten to get his revenge at last by painting himself black after the bulldog paints blackie white. As should be obvious by now, it’s really good, showing Screwball Squirrel was the exception not the rule. In general Tex was this good during his mgm and when he was at his peak we got gems like this. Truly sensational, watch it if you have max it’s under the tom and jerry section for some reason. 

10. T.V. of Tommorow A decent one I remember seeing as a kid. Not much to say though, it’s mostly a bunch of gags about “future” tv’s based on their viewer’s needs. Some good stuff.. not as good as most of what was here today but still better than the worst of it and still very memorable and part of a memorable tetralogy i’ll probably come back to when I do Tex’s birthday again next year. Not a bad note to end on though. 

Overall these shorts show just how strong a creator tex was, gleefully taking convention and ripping it to tiny pieces. As i’ve mentioned many times i’ll be coming back to his work next year.. and probably be watching a hell ofa lot more in the time between. Might even do a second special on him in between birthday ones. We’ll see how this does. The Tom and Jerry one sadly wasn’t quite the hit I hoped. 

Until then I have many other reviews. And since Today (This review is late) was supposed to be the 90′s tom and jerry movie but that turned out not to be on Max for some reason. I still plan to cover it some day i’ll just have to find it and buy it first. But tommorow if I have the time i’ll be continuing the Lena retrospective with an intresting little side trip. So until then, i’ts been a pleasure and you know what? Thanks for reading. 

[syms-things-5]

Clear The Area - Chapter Fifteen (Part Three)

Previous chapter here

Warnings: language, some suggestive sexuality, and some good old angst

Tags: @jennmurawski13 @kelbabyblue Thanks for the support!

Notes: Hope you enjoy this, and apologies for my poor spelling and grammar.

Chapter Fifteen: Part Three

She woke up earlier than him.

It was half six when she stepped into the shower having given up on her sleep. It had been a hot, rather uncomfortable night and the aircon barely broke a chill through the suite.

It was taking some getting used to, this sharing a bed, especially with someone who insisted on snuggling into the back of her. Sarah wasn’t much of a cuddler and Chris knew this. She would much rather wrap herself up in blankets and drift off to sleep but it didn’t stop him from slowly inching his body towards her throughout the night. It was a case of putting up with it for fear of falling off the end and breaking something.

She barely moved under the shower head except to allow the water to rain down on her skin and hopefully liven her up for the day. She was anxious, more anxious than she anticipated she would be. She was always able to keep her cool under test conditions, probably why she became a nurse in the first place, but something about this particular exam was hitting differently and she wasn’t sure why.

She eventually got dressed and went back into the bedroom to sort her hair. He would be annoyed she’d woken up before him now that he had decided he was single-handedly responsible for all her breakfast needs that week. Admittedly, though, it felt nice being looked after in this way. Really, really nice. It was like having her own PA.

He was sleeping flat on his stomach, one leg poking out from underneath the covers. He had wrapped his arms around a pillow and his low snore was rumbling through the warm air in the room. It was confusing how anyone could find that position comfortable and not wake up having lost all feeling down one side of his body. His back muscles were relaxed but still resembled something Michelangelo could only dream of painting. He was, in all honesty, a ridiculous specimen of a man. A man that told her he wanted her to get some good rest and sleep as much as possible. Who had closed her textbooks, ran her a hot bath, and climbed in behind her to massage her shoulders. Potential lingered in the air last night but he was going to stick to his word and not get in the way of her work. He told her he was glad he was with her and happily settled for stroking her hair as she fell asleep. Her head was lying on his chest but when she felt his heartbeat settle and his arms loosen around her, she softly rolled away from him like he knew she inevitably would.

At various times, they found themselves getting into a very comfortable and, dare she say it, enjoyable routine. It was surprisingly easy to do so when the door was locked. He had used the hotel gym to give her some peace for a few hours each morning. He had kept her fed and hydrated when she would have most likely forgotten both having had her nose stuck in her books for hours on end. He had watched daytime television in the bedroom and failed to hide his tears when a charity had rebuilt an elderly man’s home following a flood. When she asked, he had helped to test her using the notes she’d prepped for the exam. He read scripts as soon as they had landed in his inbox. His team was politely shocked at his new-found efficiency.

When they weren’t fooling around on the sofa in the evenings, she had taken a break to read over some lines with him. While at first he was very kind and promising with his notes, especially with some kissing scenes he’d invented, they both knew she was definitely not suited for a life in front of the camera.

“Don’t overthink it too much. Just go with your instincts.” he encouraged her to continue reading with him for fun but she had given up when he had fallen into a fit of laughter as she attempted to arrest him.

“Yeh, no, my brain doesn’t really work like that.” she responded, holding up her hands in defeat.

“Please? I’m sorry, I promise I won’t laugh.” he pleaded. “Again.”

It was easy to get used to having him around but she finally realised how and why women fell for him hard. There was something very childlike about him, something innocent even if he was anything but when they dimmed the lights. He was gentler and quieter than she knew him to be, less sure of himself at times than perhaps the impression he wilfully gave away to the public. She heard the criticisms he levelled at himself when reading his lines out loud and saw first-hand the pressure he placed upon himself where his career was concerned. But for every committed step them took forwards as they learned more about each other, even after all these years, something started to pull her back.

“Hey...”

She was broken from her contemplation by his groggy drawl. He turned on to his side and laid his hand in the space she had previously occupied. One eye had yet to open and his hair was pointing in all different directions.

“It’s far too early to get up, y’know.” He stretched his arm out to connect with her leg curled up underneath her as she looked back at him. “Oh shit. I forgot. Is it really this morning already?”

She stayed looking at him from where she was sat before nodding. “I should only be a couple of hours but I’ll swing by that bakery down the street and pick us up something nice for lunch. They do those almond croissants you like.”

He sighed, taking her in and smiling. She’d tied her hair in a side plait and was wearing a slightly fluffy striped sweater that he wanted to run his hands over. “Yeh, that sounds really nice, Bernette.” He didn’t miss a beat. “I could meet you afterwards? We could go for a walk through the Park?”

“I might just want to come home and cry.”

“Hey now, you’re gonna ace this test. I can feel it.” He was fully awake now, purposeful in his movements towards her to help put her mind at ease. “if I was your patient, I would be ecstatic to have you working on me.”

She chuckled to herself. He was always so confident expressing himself. She was jealous of that. She wished she could be as confident and as sure of herself, like the rest of the family were. It was one thing in her that stood out in stark contrast.

“What have you eaten? I didn’t hear any room service.” He probed, a serious look now glazing over his features.

“Oh it’s fine, I’ll grab something on the way. I’m not all that hungry to tell you the truth.” She tried to brush off his protests but it only served to make him more concerned.

“You’ve got time yet, let me order something up.” He made for the phone but was stopped as she got up from the bed. “You need to eat something, Sarah. You’re gonna be sat there for hours. I don’t want you passing out.”

“Alright, thank you, Dad!” she laughed. “It’s fine! This is not my first exam. I know what it’s like and I promise you I will get something from Starbucks on somewhere else on the way.”

“You’re going now?!”

“Yeh, I could do with a walk to clear my hear. I always found that helpful when back in school.” She was talking from the lounge as she tried to locate her boots. Something else Shanna had chucked into her suitcase without her realising, but she wasn’t as annoyed with this one.

“Give me ten minutes and I’ll come with you.”

She re-entered the bedroom to find him rifling through his bag for new clothes. “Why?”

“Because I wanna support my girlfriend! Jesus!” He was sharper than he had intended but carried on with his search for fresh boxers, throwing out some old stuff in haste like he was searching for long lost buried treasure.

She just looked at him. He’d never used that word before. They’d never talked about it. He acknowledged her silence and stopped to look at her, jeans in hand. He saw her awkward stance and instantly felt like shit. This was not the morning to lay this on her. He knew the very next words out of his mouth would determine how they moved forward.

He paused before chucking his jeans on the chair in front of him. “Sorry.”

“It’s alright,” she responded but she wasn’t sure it was.

“If you wanna head off, that’s totally cool. I’ll be here if you need me. Just text me when you’re done, yeh?”

She nodded at him, offered him as reassuring a smile as she could manage before leaving the bedroom to gather her things. He didn’t follow her; she heard the bed creak slightly so he must have chosen to stay put instead. It was probably for the best. She didn’t want the image of his pitiful face to be her last memory before sitting in silence for 90 minutes, trying in vain to concentrate as hard as she could.

*

The test went about as well as expected, if what she had expected was to doubt her basic entry-level abilities. She was one of seven that morning, six if you discount the gentleman that walked out fifteen minutes after he sat down.

It was multiple choice. It really shouldn’t have been that difficult. The answer was hiding in plain sight after all. She was reminded of something her tutor once told her and her graduating class before they left the relative comfort of their college:

“There will always be someone who knows more than we do.”

He didn’t mean it in a disparaging way - at least she didn’t think he did - but more that you go from being one of the best in your class to being surrounded by people who are equally as bright and as intuitive as you may be, and who will all have had different experiences. He wanted to say that sometimes, there is no one right answer. It was more than passing a test and qualifying; you have to adapt. You had to soak everything up like a sponge or else you risk becoming redundant in the very profession you devoted your life to. No wonder Medicine had the highest quit ratio. Boy, had she been naive.

Shanna 11.41am: OK OK I kno ur probably still super busy bt i’m dying to kno how it went?? Txt me when you get a sec babe xxxxx

She smiled down at her phone before typing a series of vomiting emojis. That should just about sum up her feelings. Scanning her phone again, she found a couple of messages from Audrey but none from Chris. She was surprised but would be lying if she didn’t admit to being relieved.

She meandered down the street towards the subway, thoughts swaying between reliving stupid mistakes she had convinced herself she had made, to what kind of mood Chris might be in. She texted him that she was finished and heading back like she promised she would, then the train was bang on time so she didn’t even have the luxury of blaming delays. Her legs weighed like lead as she approached the suite doorway, her lack of sleep the night before finally catching up with her.

Everything was deathly quiet when she entered. She paused after shutting the door behind her but still couldn’t hear anything. Certainly no trace of another person being present. Confused, she walked into the bedroom and found a note left on the comforter. He’d gone to the gym and told her to message him when she got back. This might give her the excuse she’d been seeking to grab five minutes alone.

She flopped on to the bed and turned to the side to catch the pile of notes and textbooks he’d shoved there the night before. So much promise contained in those few pages. So much knowledge that it felt like she had no business attempting to absorb it for her own personal gain. Many highly accomplished physicians and scientists had bound their entire lives to the duty of finding answers to the human body’s potential for extreme trauma. What exactly would a young, angst-ridden girl from Michigan bring to the table?

The door went a few moments later and she realised she had closed her eyes. She was lying on her back with her legs hanging off the end of the bed as he walked in, slightly sweaty but nevertheless a sight for sore eyes. Seeing him in this state was the nicest thing that had happened to her all day and she regretted their tense conversation earlier.

“Dude...” he muttered as he dropped his towel on the chair by the door and joined her on the bed. He flopped down alongside her with a heavy sigh.

“Good workout?” she finally offered.

“Yeh, all good. Nothing too strenuous.” He replied like it was the most normal conversation in the world. “Good exam?”

“Oh yeh, same.” she replied just as casual as him before they both fell into a fit of giggles.

“Wanna talk about it?” he asked after they had both calmed down.

She took a deep breath. “Not really.”

“You want me to guess?”

“Chris...”

“What?” his voice was a little whinier than he would have liked at this particular time. “I know you. You’re writing yourself off before you know what’s happened.”

“Who said I was writing myself off?” She pushed back. “It’s normal to feel like this. It’s just...nerves or whatever.”

“Yeh, well, there’s no point worrying about something twice.”

She didn’t want to talk about this right now. She was silently hoping he would make a move on her after refraining from touching her the night before when she was definitely in the mood for him. “It’s just...it’s hard to explain.” She got up from the bed and shuffled into the bathroom to remove what little make-up she had put on that morning.

“Try and tell me about it. What was it like? How many questions were there? How many people turned up?”

She threw the face wipe in the bin and ran the tap water to wash her hands. She knew he wasn’t going to budge from his trajectory. She knew he wasn’t going to stop picking at her to talk about it. She leaned her hands on the marble top and took a deep breath.

“It was harder than I imagined it would be. I think I just froze. Like, basic stuff I do day in and day out just wasn’t coming to me.”

“If doing auditions has taught me anything it’s that you always think you’ve done worse than you have. It’s just natural. The brain works in strange ways sometimes. It can trick you.” he reasoned, finally moving into the bathroom but not daring to reach out to her. He settled for backing up against the wall inside the doorway.

“I’m pretty sure it’s not going to be a good result, thought.”

“You don’t know that for sure.” He spoke softly, comfortingly. “You’re so smart and so capable of doing this. You just gotta believe in yourself.”

She nodded in acceptable of what he was trying to say and looked at him face-on. His brow was defined with those worry lines again which made feel a little crap, but he still had a boyish shine about him, no doubt because of the glow from his workout. She would have been a heaving red mess.

“What are you thnking about?” he asked.

She continued studying him, trying to arrange her thoughts. “Is this all there is to life?” she asked after another moment had passed. “You find something you like to do and that’s it, you just coast for 40 years?”

He contemplated her question for a second. “Yeh. Pretty much.”

Sarah huffed out a laugh, not fully appreciating his brutal honest at this moment in time.

“But not everyone is lucky to even get that far.” He moved into the bathroom to stand closer to her. “People can go years with no real clue of what it is they wanna do. You’re one of the lucky ones, Sarah. You figured it out when you were young, you did what you had to do and now you’re doing it for real. That’s less common that you think.”

It wasn’t that she didn’t appreciate what he was trying to do, it’s just that often she had multiple anxieties convincing her of the opposite. It’s easy for him to say this, he’s already at the top of his game. He doesn’t have to other with the real world if he doesn’t want to. Most people don’t have the financial luxury of stopping to retrain as something different and Chris had always alluded to quitting acting while he was still young in order to take up something else, like carpentry or simply staying behind the scenes. He always figured he would stop when he had his first child but the reality for everyone else couldn’t afford them that same privilege.

“You are where you’re supposed to be.” He continued. “I don’t believe there is anyone better qualified at what it is they do than you. I believe that and I believe that you know that, too, deep down. You just gotta find the other stuff that keeps you happy in the meantime. Whatever it is that keeps you going.”

“What makes you happy?”

He smiled at her. “Well...what you see if what you get. Family, football, beer. Not necessarily in that order.” He was glad she was smiling again. “Spending time with the people I love. Recognising that I love them and that they love me back and that that love is wonderful.”

“You’re so lucky you don’t second guess yourself all the time.”

“Oh, believe me, I do.” he impressed. “It’s just that I learned some things a few years ago that helped me now. Like taking a deep breath and letting it wash over you. It’s natural to feel doubt but it’s what happens afterwards that really matters. It’s how we choose to perceive the things that happen to us, and how we move forward.”

“Anything has gotta be easier than feeling like this.”

“It’s not always a good thing. Sometimes you have to wait for other people to catch up.” He leaned onto the counter next to her, the mirror in front of them spotlighting them both and making them both appear a little pathetic in their current gait.

“I should start packing.” She whispered after a few more silent moments had passed by.

Neither of them made the effort to move but check-out was 2pm at the latest if Chris had bought it and she was almost certain he had. She would eventually need to make her way to the station and presumably Chris would simply head home in his car. Back to Boston. Back to reality.

“We still have some time. We could order up some lunch if you want to? I’m not entirely convinced you ate anything this morning.”

She watched him in the mirror as he turned to face her, a sterner look in his eyes. He was pretty certain he could read her face this time and her lip-bite told him he was right.

“Or we could do something else with the little time we have left.” He reached out his hand to touch hers, rubbing his thumb across her knuckles. She didn’t more away so he chanced his arm and pulled her closer to him before kissing the inside of her palm and wrist. “It was so hard last night.”

She smirked at him before it dawned on him. “I mean...you know what I mean.” He rolled his eyes. “It was hard for me to lie so close to you and not touch you. I really meant what I said, about you getting a good night’s rest but fuck me, it was difficult.”

“I know. It was hard for me, too.”

“We don’t get this kind of time together,” he looked down at her hands, held tightly in his. “And I’ve really, really enjoyed myself. I feel more normal around you. I can’t explain it.”

“It’s OK. You don’t need to say anything.”

This was the type of conversation Sarah would ordinarily run a mile from had it been with anyone else. Chris seemed to understand as well as he stopped himself from talking some more. She was being held in place by the literal limited space around her as he planted himself in her way. He looked down at her causing her to freeze up and, mentally, she began checking if she could feel her feet.

She slowly ran her hands up and down his arms in an attempt to sooth him. She saw him glance down at her lips and she hoped he would end the silence by kissing her but there was no such luck. He was trying to figure something out but what, she didn’t know. He was waiting for her next move.

“I don’t think we’ve thought this much about what happens, when...” he paused, gauging her for a response or an indication that she was OK with what he was about to say. Perhaps even anticipating it in some way. “Sarah, I have these feelings for you and they’re getting stronger and these past few days have told me that I’m right. Do you know what I mean?”

She did know. She didn’t much want to know, but she did. “Let’s pause this and figure it out another time, yeh?” He hands rubbed up to the rest of his shoulders. “Let’s just enjoy this while it lasts. There’ll be another time for talking.”

He wasn’t convinced but assuaged enough to kiss her again, a little harder this time. His hand slipped into her hair to hold her to him and she responded by wrapping her arms around his neck. They had time.

*

She should have known he would have had the idea to drive them both back home. Yes, there was no need for her to sit on a busy commuter train for three hours but still. She did almost say yes but she would feel awkward asking him to drop her off blocks away from her home and he would inevitably disagree and they’d argue. Not argue per se. They never really argued, but it would become a thing and she didn’t have the heart to disappoint him a third time that day.

They were in happy moods by the time they checked out. All ideas of having a more serious conversation had evaporated quickly after she pushed him onto the bed and climbed on top of him. He had them both naked in record time even for him, and she made a point to memorise his face and the rush of red through his skin when she watched him cum hard underneath her.

She’d bought him a coffee from the cafe bar inside the reception and he’d thanked her with a gentle peck on the lips before slipping away via the underground garage, ball cap pulled down low over his eyes. She felt the light bruises form on her thighs and smiled to herself at the memory of where his hands had been when she walked into the apartment to find Shanna in tears. She froze on the spot.

“Oh my god, what the hell happened?” Finally finding her voice when registering the scene in front of her. Sarah dropped her bags and ran to the couch to wrap an arm around her friend. “Why are you crying?”

“I didn’t think you’d be back so soon. Sorry, I’m...” Shanna tried to gather her thoughts. “It’s stupid really. I don’t even know what I’m crying.”

“Well, it’s not stupid. It’s obviously something because it’s made you upset.” She pulled her hand inside the sleeve of her hoodie and used it to wipe away her tears. “Do you wanna talk about it? Is it something I can help with?”

“Not really.” This wasn’t the feisty Shan Sarah knew. “Turns out Robbie wasn’t interested in me after all because he’s asked somebody else out. I should have known really. He definitely wouldn’t be interested in me.”

“Oh love,” Sarah empathised.

“It’s not even like I was really all that bothered about him, honestly.” She continued. “It’s just, it’s been a while since someone decent asked me out on a date, y’know? Someone smart who had potential. Normally, they have to be drunk to even approach me and they just end up being dickheads. All of them.”

Knowing Shanna as well as she did, she knew Shanna wouldn’t appreciate an empty platitude. “I think it happens to the best of us. You should hear some of the tales Audrey has. She’s experienced some crazy shit.”

“Yeh? How did she meet Michael?”

“She didn’t make it easy for him that’s for sure!” she chuckled and felt relief at the grin now showing on Shan’s face. “The way she tells it, she stopped looking. Just stopped going to bars and clubs, spent more time doing the things she enjoyed and more time with her friends and family. Randomly met him at a march in the city, can you believe that? He wasn’t even supposed to be there but his brother dragged him along apparently.”

“I think she was right to concentrate on her friends and family. I should take a leaf out of her book. At least you can count on them to keep you sane.”

A sense of unease found its way into Sarah’s head. “Yeh, definitely. You never know when a good thing will strike and maybe this shows you that you know what you don’t want anymore. That’s gotta be a positive thing, right?”

“Yeh, it just feels a bit crap but I’ll probably feel better in the morning.” Shanna got up from the couch and Sarah sense it was more so to hide a few more tears. “I got some wine earlier, do you fancy a glass?”

“Uh yeh sounds good. I’ll just go and sort my stuff out.”

“Oh fucking hell!” Shanna smacked her hand to her face. “I’m so sorry! How did it go?”

Sarah held her bag loosely in her hand, her attempt at making a quick getaway to her room without discussing the exam a failure. “Oh, it was what it was. I won’t find out for a little while so no point worrying about it twice, right?”

“Huh, you sound just like Chris.” Shanna said before walking back into the kitchen. “I’m sure you did great, though. You always do.”

“Thanks.” She carried on to her room to dump her stuff. She would sort it out tomorrow. Right now, she figured Shan would want to get a little bit drunk and Sarah was on a late tomorrow anyway, so...it wouldn’t do them any harm.

“Hey, Sarah?” Shan called from the kitchen.

“Yeh?”

“Who did you have coffee with?”

Confusion set in as Sarah tried to figure out what Shanna was talking about. She peered her head round the door. “What?”

“Coffee today?” Shanna responded, holding a crumpled piece of paper in her hand. “This dropped out of your coat, I think. Coffee for two?”

Confusion quickly turned into full-blown panic as she realised what she had done. Fuck. “Oh, um, I just...” She stumbled over herself and felt her skin redden and get hotter. She must have looked a sight. “Um...it wasn’t...”

“Hey, listen, you don’t need to explain anything.”

“Oh no that’s not what it is-”

“-At least one of us is having better luck in the romance department.”

“Shan, it’s not-”

“-I’m so glad you and Greg are getting on well.” Shanna handed over the receipt to Sarah before regarding what must have looked like a rabbit caught in the headlights. “I mean that. He seems nice and you absolutely deserve to have some fun for a change. I know I haven’t been very supportive of this whole thing with Charlotte but I worry about you a little bit sometimes. After everything that’s happened, I guess I just didn’t wanna see you hurt again.”

Sarah was frozen to the spot. Numb. Shanna had put two and two together and thought the best of her friend. Sarah didn’t deserve that.

“He seems like he’s being really supportive right now and being the person that I should perhaps be. I will try to be better, I promise.” Shanna apologised.

Sarah looked down at the slip of paper in her hand and then to the floor, a little bit of feeling starting to return to her legs. “Shan,” she started quietly, so quietly that she missed it entirely and when she looked back up, Shanna was walking back into the kitchen.

“I mean it. You’ve always been amazing to me. Picking me up when I need it and looking after me. Everyone says I take you for granted sometimes and they’re absolutely right so I just wanted to say that I will back you up 100% from now on. No excuses. You and me against the world, right?”

Shanna flashed her a broad and hopeful grin and all Sarah could do was return a limp version in response. 

“Let’s get that wine opened and you can tell me all about it.”

Shanna disappeared into the kitchen again. If she had stayed a second longer she would have seen tears form in Sarah’s eyes at the knowledge that she screwed everything up. She and Chris had diverted a conversation on the promise of having it another time but that was never going to happen. Not now.

How could it?

*

[hwalisa-twt]

| 𝙈𝙞𝙨𝙩 - 𝙃. 𝙃𝙮𝙪𝙣𝙟𝙞𝙣 | part 01

┇ category : badboy!au, suggestive, angst

┇ warning : mention of smoking !

┇ word count : 2.4K

┇ synopsis : Hyunjin is that boy in your classroom you never talked to. But since that day, when you made a comment on his smoking habit, he made sure he asked for your name.

| Stray Kids Masterlist | Part 01 • Part 02 (End) |

On a day like any others, you entered the class for your first course of the week, which was geography and you saw as usual that your desk mate Hyunjin wasn’t here yet. Actually no one was coming early to that course, the teacher was mean and such a bad pedagogue, that everyone hated her. But as a bad habit you had, you didn’t like coming late so you and a few students were always the first to enter the class.

Hyunjin was your desk mate and a bad boy. Although not the one to look for troubles, more like the chill one with sometimes a cocky side. He was just living his life the way he wanted to with no one to tell him what to do. Of course, if you mess with him, he would make sure you know that it isn’t safe for you to do so, but in a nutshell, he wasn’t as bad as people was describing him, just independent.

The teacher came in the room at 8am and started her lesson. She gave us an exercise to do, linked to the previous lesson of Friday to see if we were learning them. Head in my book when I heard the door. Hyunjin opened it slowly and crawled to his desk, wishing the teacher didn’t hear him. She did.

“Hyunjin, late again…”, the professor said lazily like a mom scolding her child for the nth time in the day, looking from above her glasses, a sight escaping her lips.

He was running late as always, you never got the point of noticing it every time, Hyunjin didn’t care about being late or not, being there was enough for the school to let him be.

He took out at least some papers and pens to write with from his bag. He looked behind and in front of him to see what you all were doing, you saw he was lost and decided to help him. You never talked to him but today was the day.

“We’re doing this exercise about last Friday’s lesson…”, you whispered, pointing out the questions you were trying to answer on the book under your elbows. You headed to the exercise again when you feel him staring at you and at the book, when you understood that he didn’t have his book with him. So you put it between you two and you both started to work. At least that’s what you thought because he was just doodling on his paper. You tried to ignore him and continued studying.

Doing this exercise took the class almost the hour, when the teach decided to correct them but the school bell announced the end of the class. You packed your belongings and took the book who was laying between Hyunjin and you, but he had his elbow on it, so you pushed it when his head fell from it, you figured out that he fell asleep. You woke him up by shaking him.

“W-What?...”, he faltered half awake. He looked at you, not realising that the class has ended.

“It’s finished, the Geography study I mean…and you were sleeping on my book”, you answered trying to remember him where he actually slept. You were amazed by how much complacency he had.

“Oh, ok all the better then, I need to go now”, he put his paper full of doodles in his bag and left without even a ‘thank you’ or a ‘sorry’. You watched him left, astonished and speechless.

The other classes of the day were quite boring, but it was okay. You saw Hyunjin three to four times since then, once chatting with his friends at the end of the room, once sleeping again or just laughing. He has one of the prettiest smile you ever saw, ‘eye smile’ precisely and that was cute, for one minute you just wondered how it would feel like to be the one making him smile.

You were a bit day dreaming about him in the cafeteria, when your friend pushed you because she laughed too hard. She was literally crying.

“YA! What the heck is going on?”, you asked coming back to reality.

“Sofia was telling me about how her mom found out about his aunt fucking the neighbour, but you were so busy looking at Hyunjin that you didn’t hear it!”, she replied poking your cheek.

“I wasn’t-”, you suddenly wondered if it was that obvious and maybe it was.

“No need to explain yourself y/n, I mean he’s looking good, he’s tall, he has nice hair, he has plump lips and we can’t see it, but girl let me tell you, that boy is build under these clothes, I’m sure! And don’t get me wrong but he has that 90’s vibe and girls are falling for that”, she said.

You never were that observant about him and his features, but she was right, he has a nice frame. You started thinking about what can possibly be hiding under his shirt but that wasn’t safe at all, so you just stopped there and decided to leave to go to the last class of the day: PE.

“Girls, I’m going to the gymnasium now! See you tomorrow!”, you left with your plate, throwing the dishes in the bin and then putting it in the box next to the main entry.

“See you y/n, go see that perverted teacher!”, Sofia said laughing.

You decided to go to the toilet before doing any physical activities. When you entered the girl bathroom you heard muffled noises, like moans and whispers. You got closer to the sound and you saw Hyunjin and a girl making out, you dropped your book and Hyunjin turned his head to the sound.

“Oh my fucking god, I’m leaving, sorry for disturbing!”, you apologised looking at Hyunjin and running out of the toilet, heart pounding fast in your chest. You went directly in the locker room to put on your sport outfit.

Unfortunately, Hyunjin was in the same PE class as you, he had a basketball shirt with a pair of shorts on, where you could see his legs and arms flexing with every movements. Now that you see him making out, you cannot forget it, not like you didn’t try, but he was looking hot with his messy hair.

At the end of the class, the teacher gathered us to talk about a meeting your class would have against the other school, at the end of the year for both groups, girls and boys. When he finished, you walked back to the locker room, the boys were taking their shirts off and you didn’t miss Hyunjin doing it because you had your eyes locked on him. He had abs, the full eight pack.

You didn’t realise he was walking toward you until he snapped his fingers in front of your face. You looked at him bewildered.

“You left that earlier!”, he said handing you the book who felt from your arms in the toilet.

“O-Oh, thank you…”, you took it and started walking back in the room when he grabbed your wrist.

“And next time, knocked at the door before entering”, Hyunjin advised you. You went red when thinking back about it.

“There won’t be next time, ok I’m sorry”, you deeply atoned.

“Who said there won’t be a next time?”, he asked you with a smirk on his face, dropping your wrist and going to the locker room, leaving you stunned.

Finally, the end of the day has come. The night has fallen, and you were heading to the bus stop. You sat down on the bench and you stretched your sore muscles. You looked at the time, in 10min the bus will be here, so you just closed your eyes. You started coughing when you smelt an unpleasant smell, like smoke, someone was smoking near you and you didn’t like that. That person should at least go a little further away to respect you.

You looked in front of you, behind you, nothing so you looked at your left and you saw him. Hyunjin. He had his shoulder against the bus stop, his head up, looking at the sky, smoking. Oh gosh, how you hated when people were smoking that poison.

“You shouldn’t be smoking!”, you said louder than normal so he could hear you. He turned his head to that voice he heard, and he saw you.

“You again, my…hum desk mate, right? The girl who entered the toilet without even knocking right again? Mind your own business would you”, he answered bitter. Smoking again and even more just to make you piss.

“Yes, it’s me! First you shouldn’t have gone to the girl’s toilet and second, I have a name, that you should know by now since I’m your desk mate since September!”, you replied irritated.

“Ok! So, tell me your name baby…”, he asked you shamelessly. You were taken back by the nickname he gave you.

“…y/n”, you responded coyly.

“Ok so y/n, tell me why I shouldn’t be smoking, when I absolutely have the right to do so!”

“It’s bad for your health”, you said back, trying to not choke on the smoke.

“Why would you care my health actually?”, he asked sitting next to you on purpose, he was just being a brat.

“You know what, you’re right, I don’t care but at least respect people and be as far as possible from them when you smoke for fuck sake”, you coughed waving your hand in front of your face.

You were getting on his nerves honestly. He threw his cigarette away and squished it on the ground. You got up and backed up against glass of the bus station and put your hand above your mouth. You don’t know why you weren’t leaving.

“What if I don’t?”, he said looking up at you.

“What?”, you were a bit puzzled by his question.

He got up, got closer to you, took off your hand from over your mouth and put his hand above your head. Hyunjin was towering you. He took your chin up and made you look into his eyes.

“What if I don’t want to be as far as possible from people, what would you do, y/n…?”, he asked daring you to answer something.

You blushed, you felt his body heat, his breath fanning over your skin. You wanted to push him away but your body refused to respond. He looked at you for a moment, his eyes flying across your lips and let you free so you could breathe.

“So quiet suddenly…, here’s your bus I guess, see you tomorrow y/n!”, he left without saying more. You took two minutes to think about what just happened, did he think about…kissing you?

The next days everything were same: studies and PE and you almost never saw Hyunjin. The few times you saw him, he was staring at you and when you had class with him, he didn’t sit next to you.

That Friday, you didn’t have class with Hyunjin, so you barely saw him across the corridor or at the cafeteria again. You couldn’t really look at him because every time you were doing so, he was looking back at you, and he wouldn’t left you. So, you tried your best not to stare at him, not for too long at least. He was making you feel…things with his stare and you weren’t used to that feeling.

As the days have passed you may have developed things for him, you can’t figure out what it was yet, but you knew something has changed since that Monday night.

You went out in the park next to the school after you ate to get some fresh air and you saw Hyunjin lying against a tree, smoking again, his eyes closed. You got closer and kneeled in front of him.

“Smoking again I see, you didn’t listen to me”, you said as he opened his eyes because he felt someone beside him.

“y/n…, no I didn’t. I don’t see why I would have though”, he replied laughing as he watched you sighed.

“Maybe because for once, something really care about you…”, you tried to answer without blushing too much.

Hyunjin watched the details of your face closely, trying to figure out why you were there in front of him, looking for his smoking habit he took one year ago when everything went wrong in his life. And maybe for the first time ever he was thinking about tomorrow. So, he tried.

“Then make me stop?”, he challenged you, pulling you closer looking at your face, into your eyes, the curves of your lips and the shape of your nose.

“H-How?”, you asked. Your heart was beating faster than usual, he was so close, you could see his long eye lashes, his beautiful shiny eyes and how plump his lips were this close.

“Kiss me?”. You swallowed hard and you had difficulties to breathe. He asked you to…kiss him? He was waiting for you, would you dare? Why didn’t he kiss you first? You had so many questions left unanswered.

Hyunjin thought for one minute that you wouldn’t kiss him, but you did. You pressed your lips against his, they were soft and as plump as you thought they were. Hyunjin put his hands around your waist and brought you on his lap, one hand behind your head to put more pressure into the kiss.

The kiss started to get heated, he asked for entrance with his tongue, lightly biting on your bottom lip, you whimpered, and you let him in. You were fighting for dominance, but he was winning whatever you were trying to do. Your hand travelled his upper body and to land on his chest, where you felt his abs. He let you breathe to go down on your neck, while his hand went on your upper thigh, he sucked on the skin below your ear.

“H-Hyunjin…, p-please…”, you panted hard. You felt him getting aroused, but he stopped before going too far that quickly and in the park. You hugged him recovering from your make out session and he hugged you back. He left a sweet kiss on your cheek and looked at your flushed face. His hair was messy, so you brushed it back to normal.

“We just kissed and you make me go crazy y/n…”, he said his face hidden in the crook of your neck, leaving feather kisses that make you giggled because it was sensitive area.

“Now stop smoking ok? Please Hyunjin…I’m down to try everything to make you stop”, you begged, pleading him with your eyes.

“I promise I will start smoking less and then I’ll stop but… I need your help baby, so…”, he waited for your approval.

“Yes? Tell me Hyunjin”. He stared at the hickey he just did and asked you.

“Be mine!”

| Stray Kids Masterlist | Part 01 • Part 02 (End) |

[kevintor]

I Watch a Movie I Should Have Seen: Hocus Pocus

I miss doing these entries. Mostly I miss adding movies to my watched list. Obviously, I’ve never seen Hocus Pocus. That’s why we’re here.

What did I know about Hocus Pocus? I knew there were witches and I knew Bette Midler had fun teeth. And she certainly did!

My thoughts:

We open on Salem in the 1600s following the shadow of a flying witch. The music was straight out of the Danny Elfman playbook but I guess they couldn’t get him so they found an equivalent Ray Parker, Jr. to Elfman’s Huey Lewis. (If you don’t know)

Pink smoke comes out of the chimney of the witch house which means someone’s gender reveal party resulted in a girl! Unfortunately they had to sacrifice a different little girl to find out.

The old-timey boy we meet is wearing a shirt that can only be described as billowy. He should take off like a kite when he runs. Yet somehow when he violently tumbles down a forest hill, none of that very excessive fabric gets caught on anything. Is the fabric even there or are we imagining it?

The witches (Sanderson Sisters) use a book made of human skin and a functioning eyeball. I shall call this book “Columbo.”

It’s very nice of them to put a mill wheel next to the witch house for the boy to climb.

Okay, so Bette Midler has lightning fingers like Emperor Palpatine.

I honestly thought the witches were going to be misunderstood and everyone would win at the end but killing a little girl for her youth and turning the boy into an immortal cat really puts a big wrench in the redemption arc chances.

The townspeople stage a hanging. The witches curse the town that they will return much like Pennywise only scarier.

We fast forward to find out that the opening is a story that is told in a Salem high school class where the kids apparently range in age from 14-28.

A new-to-town California boy (Max) doesn’t buy into all the witch lore. No mention on why his first day of school is Halloween. Parents did not plan that move well.

Max is into Allison, the pretty girl in school that leads with her teeth in every conversation. Did Rami Malek pull some his Freddy Mercury from her?

Max rides his bike home from school at super speed. He is either an exceptional mountain biking improviser or he practiced it the day before to be really ready for school. Probably the latter.

On his shortcut through the cemetery, he runs into two kids, Jay and Ice. Jay seems to be all the bad parts of Bill and Ted combined and Ice seems to be 40.

Jay and Ice take Max’s sneakers because that’s what bullies in the early 90s did. It makes pedaling home slower which may be for the best. He rode his bike too quickly.

Max does not like being here in Salem anymore. We learn this as he angrily takes off his hat, backpack, and jacket.

Max comforts himself by awkwardly hugging and cooing to his pillow pretending it’s Allison. His little sister, Dani, catches the awkwardness, gets on the bed, and simulates being Allison which is normal.

The house appears to have an unlimited number of stairs to climb up to get away in frustration.

Max reluctantly takes his sister trick-or-treating. He has the appropriate level of older brother standoffishness.

Jay and Ice stop the sister asking for her candy. Max gives the candy to the bullies and she tells him he should have been a man and fought them. Again one of them is like 40.

Max makes up with her using a pouty face. Like! A! Man!

They find a rich house that they assume will make them bob for apples. This is a bad idea even in non-pandemic times. Never bob for apples at a stranger’s house. No matter how rich they are. That’s how rich people fatten you up to make you easier to hunt.

Max and Dani let themselves inside and start robbing the place of their Raisinets and O Henry bars. Rich people give out terrible candy.

Turns out the rich house belongs to Allison. They are having a party and everyone there is authentically dressed like royals. They did not get any of these costumes at Spirit Halloween.

Dani tells Allison that she can’t wear Allison’s royal dress because she doesn’t have yabbos and proceeds to tell her that Max loves her yabbos. This girl is outrageous. Or rude. It was a fine line in 1993.

Max asks Allison to take them to the Sanderson Sisters’ house. She tells him she’s going to quickly change out of a dress that must have taken her 45 minutes to get into.

The house is no different than it used to be. The spell book is still there. How have Jay and Ice not stolen anything from it?

Immortal Cat attacks Max when he wants to light the “virgin candle” that will bring back the Sanderson sisters. It’s a great sequence where he says the name of the movie (always important), then pulls a Zippo out of his pocket (which all kids who don’t smoke have), and lights the candle.

It starts things. Hair blows a lot. This is why they had Max be a surfer boy from California. For this hair effect.

This movie cares a lot about someone being a virgin. Even Dani knows what a virgin is. Are they covering this in her second grade class? Do the parents know? What does the PTA think?

The candle makes the Sisters return and they try to keep Dani. Bette Midler uses more of her Star Wars lightning fingers but Allison saves the day.

The cat can talk and the chances of me liking this movie just took a huge hit.

Max steals Columbo, the spell book.

The writers of the movie do the right thing by having the Sisters be scared of everything modern like roads and fire trucks. Nice touch.

The Sisters only have tonight, which adds the right amount of stakes, to get the spell book back. I don’t think I could make it if they had a week or so.

The Sisters raise the dead causing a very reluctant zombie (RZ) to chase after the kids. Most zombies love what they do so this is a fun choice.

Immortal Cat gets run over by a bus but lives because he’s immortal. We needed proof because the 300 years of being a cat was not enough.

Garry Marshall plays a guy dressed as the devil which they play for fun as the Sisters worship him but we can’t gloss over that fact that Fake Devil’s wife is played by his real-life sister, Penny Marshall. It’s not disturbing. They’re acting!

Children steal the Sisters’ brooms which probably won’t matter later.

They find a Halloween party that Max’s parents went to. When Max’s dad meets Allison, he kisses her hand. I am going to do the same to whoever my kid brings home one day. “It’s from Hocus Pocus. That movie’s fun. It’s not weird.”

Bette Midler gets to sing a song. That should satisfy the requirements from her contract. The song puts a spell on the partygoers forcing them to dance until they die. Somehow the kids are immune to it. Can they shut off their ears? Are they also magical?

The kids lure the Sisters into the school incinerator and burn them alive. It’s a strong play. The kids celebrate as if there is not 30 minutes left in the movie.

Immortal Cat, in a time of reflection, brings up his sister and Max says “You really miss her, huh?” He has been trapped as a cat after failing to save his sister’s life 300 years earlier. He misses her. Why not “Hey, do you ever wonder what might have happened if you saved her life?”

Without any explanation, the Sisters are fine. They run into Jay and Ice who insult them. The Sisters cage Jay and Ice and make them hang from the witch house ceiling. The bullies are crying. Maybe they aren’t so tough after all. <High Fives No One>

Allison decides to find a spell to uncat Immortal Cat. She opens Columbo causing it to glow. The glow lures Bette Midler and the Sisters to her. Allison fails to notice the glow but learns that salt can keep them safe.

The Sisters steal the book and Dani when Allison only uses the salt to protect herself. She really took care of number one here.

Now Sarah Jessica Parker gets to sing a real creepy song that summons all the children from the town. It really shows you the power of song. Again, Max and Allison must have turned off their hearing for this.

Max and Allison trick the Sisters into thinking sun is coming early by using a car headlight. It works but I don’t understand why. They had the sun 300 years ago. They know what it looks like. “Is that a person in a brown sweat suit and green hat or a tree?”

While the Sisters are scared of the car headlight, Max steals back his sneakers but doesn’t save the bullies. How does he know he won’t need the bullies to be on his side in the future? Has he not seen every other high school movie?

They drive away and Bette Midler brooms after them. We know how fast Max likes to go so it is impressive Bette Midler can keep up.

Reluctant Zombie shows up and Max pulls a knife on him. So Max has a knife and a zippo. He might be a problem.

They take the final showdown to a cemetery which is an odd choice. Why not a miniature golf course or a TCBY. Were they still around in 1993?

Max brings a bat to a magic fight. Allison still has her salt. “Bats and salt: Working together to inconvenience witches since 1881!”

Max sacrifices himself to save Dani. The sun comes up as Bette Midler is sucking the life out of Max. Just when you think it might be a better sun-impersonating headlight, Bette Midler turns into a statue and explodes. Definitely the sun.

Immortal Cat dies so he can be with his sister. Billowy shirt ghost appears to say thanks with a kiss on Dani’s cheek (so normal) before he runs off with his ghost sister for eternity.

They did it! They saved Salem! Quite a first day for Max..

The movie was fine. I hate talking animals unless they are cartoons so that didn’t help. And why did they care so much about virgins? A friend told me that “virgin” meant “pure of heart.” Well then they should have said “pure of heart.” And if I can suggest, between Max’s predilection for weapons and Allison’s selfishness with the salt, I don’t think they should stop being “pure of heart” with each other. They aren’t a good couple. Going through a traumatic thing like killing summoned witches from the Pilgrim days causes feelings that can’t last.

[littleworldbigdreamsblog]

Forgive Me-Chloe x Halle (A Review)

Introduction 

I cannot describe how much I love this song and the entire Ungodly Hour album. I have replayed it countless times. So now that I have calmed down I could take this apart and appreciate it for what it is....ART. This song and video really plays on nostalgia, control and our generations idea of what a break up looks like.  

The Artist(s) 

So the first time I have ever heard or seen these beautiful girls was from Grown-ish. My friend actually described them as “little Beyonces”. At the time based on their content I agreed but after seeing what their music is like now I would say they are very different because of how much they have evolved.

So to the basics Chloe x Halle is a sister duo who have been singing since they were little kids and their range really proves that. Chloe the older of the two has a more soulful voice while Halle has an eerie, almost haunting voice. This is why their harmonies are so fire because of how different and unique their voices are. It just works! 

The song 

Listen to it here : https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bc9Y58TeZk0

So the lyrics are so to the point where I feel everything was on your face. There weren’t much allusions and or symbolism but it was still very effective in conveying every single emotion. So the song explains being betrayed by an ex. As seen in most popular songs about exs they tend to be depressing ie see any Taylor Swift song (no shade) but this one had me feeling empowered. Like yes you lied but I can and will do better for myself. 

The whole concept of “Forgive Me” is I am hurt as it is like you wasted my time and energy but I am not going to drown in it and you are going to be mad because I don’t want you back. For instance in the chorus Halle sings “ So forgive me, forgive me/I've been going too hard in your city/So forgive me, 'cause I'm not teary/Best believe I move onto better things” So in all it is this idea of the best revenge is showing someone that hurt you or left you behind that you are happy and doing well. 

And y’all that just the chorus. 

These verses and the pre-chorus is the build up. It shows what went wrong in this relationship. I assume there was some cheating and he lied to cover it up according to the lyrics when Chloe says “You ain't gotta tell me what it is/ 'Cause I saw the messages/ You must got me fucked up”. The guy seems completely silenced by being confronted about it because he attempts to “plead the fifth” but that doesn’t even work. She is already gone! 

From the second verse also we see that it seems she knew about the affair and just watching the relationship fade. I am reminded of some people both male and female who stay in the relationship so when they break it off...they are somewhat emotionally detached. This is a means to protect yourself because it is a common thing in our generation to “win” the breakup. And maaaaan I think she won because we see evidence of him regretting what he did like in the lines “ Baby, don't you see, what you done threw away/Know it's hitting you, on the loop, on replay”. 

I can appreciate this song a lot on a personal level because after a break up while it is easier to solely slander and criticize your ex, I think it takes so much more effort to put yourself first and try to be without. I mean getting back to who you were before being in love and then being betrayed is hard but it is healthier  and more productive than bad-mouthing that ex who isn’t worth your time. 

He or she is your ex for a reason right?  

I don’t think I need to talk about how flawless the vocals and arrangement are but I still am going to. As I noted previously, their voices are very different and uniquely so. The very subtle harmonies with Chloe holding that melody and Halle doing the adlibs/ background vocals is perfect for this song and its arrangement. Now I ain’t no music major but the chords, the bass and the harmonies were so reminiscent of late 90′s and early 2000′s R&B Pop music with heavy hitters like Aaliyah, Tony Braxton and even TLC. I grew up on that music and it really brought me back to the feeling I had when discovering that music as a kid. I can’t begin to describe the type of nostalgia I felt.   

The video 

Visuals. Visuals. Visuals. My guy, the shots from this music video totally floored me. I mentioned earlier about the arrangement reminding me of Aaliyah and so did the visuals. I literally had like 3 Aaliyah videos in my head: Try Again, We need a Resolution and Are you that Somebody. This isn’t to discredit Chole x Halle’s creation, it serves to say it is so good it can stand next to Aaliyah’s aesthetic and say “hey sis” in the most loving way. I am not sure if that was their intention but it genuinely made us 90′s babies happy. 

On another note I felt like the visuals aided the lyrics. I think this is where the big brain thoughts are going to make their appearance.

DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER this is strictly my opinion/ 3 am thoughts based on some research.

 In the video there is a consistent theme of Chloe x Halle being these sexy dominatrices ie strong dominant women (mostly in a sexual way). Being a dominatrix is mainly about having control and calling the shots during sex both mentally and physically with the submissive’s permission and kink in mind. The reason I bring up sex is their wardrobe, lots of black leather, chains and those skin tight pants. If you see a picture of a generic dominatrix outfit it is similar to their outfits.How does this tie back to the song? By moving on and being happy that leaves them in control and that is symbolized by their clothing choice. But why would they make it sexual? Because firstly sex sells and they look amazing in leather and this general aesthetic works for them. Secondly in a break up there is a huge power struggle or dynamic and the clearest way that depicts that power struggle was from the choice of clothing and props. Does it stay very true to BDSM culture? Based on some research I did yes it does aesthetically. Relating to the lyrics of the song also yes as it focuses on having that control and existing in a newly developed power dynamic. Do you see the parallels?

Aside from the wardrobe, the overall theme was dark. Like are they really digging this man’s grave? Yes ma’am!. This shows how dead that relationship is and as much as he wants her back, she has to think about herself and her well being. That is so incredibly powerful.  

Also even from the pictures I chose, there is an underlying religious tone. What I understand from it from looking at the dance and certain visuals, it is maybe a play on going to confession. Like being happy after a break up is a sin and she should repent her sins but she won’t. She won’t say sorry for moving on. She will however say “forgive me for putting me first and not crying over you”. 

So we have come to the end and I can’t explain to you my loves how amazing this song is to me. Amidst all the chaos in the world there was a certain calm when this video and album dropped. It is inspiring to see these young beautiful black female artists communicate their experiences through art. To be honest, it kind of got me writing again and this is the product. Hope you enjoy it :). If there is anything you think should be added, let’s have a conversation, I am open to hear your thoughts. 

And please go listen to their album Ungodly Hour...it is amazing. 

References: 

Lyrics : https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/chloexhalle/forgiveme.html

BDSM info: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/working-as-a-dominatrix_n_5c66ea02e4b033a799423973

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2018/mar/30/dominatrix-classes-be-more-assertive-work-and-life

https://www.shape.com/lifestyle/sex-and-love/what-is-a-dominatrix

[crimsonblackrose]

I’m officially reunited with about 90% of my things. It’s weird. Very very weird but I feel like there’s some stable ground beneath my feet. It just feels nice to not be living out of a suitcase that’s mostly business professional clothing and be reunited with comfy college t-shirts. I’ve gone through all of my stuff, mostly organized it, and set up a bookcase. As a lifelong bookworm and someone who went to college for writing, I have a lot of books. And I haven’t read all of those books. So I decided books I haven’t read or don’t remember reading will go on the bookcase. The rest will stay in their boxes.

My plan when I was expecting to come home pre-pandemic was to frequent the library but try and focus on the books I haven’t read yet that I own. I figured if there were things I desperately wanted to read that I couldn’t get at the library I’d get it for my e-reader or maybe at the store after getting a job. But then the pandemic happened and our library has only recently opened so e-reader and my TBR bookcase should get me through for a while. (Plus I can always grab something off of my aunt or uncle’s bookshelves if I need to branch out. They’ve already given me recommendations.)

The Divine Comedy of Dante Alighieri by Dante Alighieri. This book is too big to fit on the shelves so it’s chilling at the top with my Korean Count of Monte Cristo musical book. This is one of my Dad’s books that he gave me when he moved. I’m sure I missed more that are in a box in the basement. I organized but I have lot of books so I know I missed things.f

So buckle up here’s all the books on my bookcase in no particular order. Shelf #!.

The Earthsea Trilogy by Ursula K. Le Guin Ursula K. Le Guin is a staple author for fantasy and I thought for sure I’d read this but I wasn’t 100% sure so I grabbed it anyway.

Monsterkind by Taylor C. I kickstarted this a long time ago and it’s one of the things in my boxes that I didn’t realize I had because I’m pretty sure it arrived while I was in Korea. I’ve sadly missed the cut off for book two but am pretty excited to jump into this.

This Dark Endeavor by Kenneth Oppel. I don’t know when or where I got it but looking at the tag line I can see why I found it intriguing “The Apprenticeship of Victor Frankenstein” sounds fun.

And Another thing… Douglas Adams Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy Part six of Three by Eoin Colfer. Fun fact when I was in elementary through high school I read everything Eoin Colfer I could get my hands on and I loved The Hitchikers Guide to the Galaxy and everything I’ve read by Douglas Adams so this was a no brainer. Though I haven’t read it because I guess I don’t know what it is.Aa sequel? A prequel? Something in between? No idea, it’ll be a fun adventure.

What You Don’t Know About Men by Michael Burke. This is one of those books where I’m just staring at it wondering where it came from and why I have it.  It is signed and after deep diving my own Instagram it’s a book from college. But whether I met the author at an event, something I was volunteering for or at school is beyond me.

Gramarye City by Paul Revere Lester. This is another signed book, but I’m pretty sure it’s self published since there was nothing about it on Goodreads. Could be wrong. But this one I don’t know if it’s from high school writer’s club or what since it, like the last one references my own writing and cheers me on in the note with the signing.

Fiery Dark Secret by Emma Bown Meyer this one is also signed but doesn’t reference my own writing or any sort of cheering me on so who knows. I’m going to assume this is from a library event where the authors came and signed their books from when I was in high school.

Hush Girls by Emily Hansen. Another signed book. You could guess that I don’t read books I get signed but in this case this came out this year and it’s one of the few books I’ve recently purchased. Emily Hansen was one of my cohorts and I try my best to support my cohorts.

Lost in the City by Edward P. Jones, did I get this book because it was recommended reading in college or because it looks cool or was it gifted to me? No clue.

Zombies vs Unicorns. This is a collection of short stories about Zombies versus Unicorns. So each author picked a team and wrote a story to try and grab the reader to their side and some of my favorite authors are in this collection and it’s just super cool looking so I’m greatly looking forward to reading it.

Holidays on Ice by David Sedaris, oh this book hasn’t been read out of pure spite. My department in college had this thing where we had to go and attend “literary” events and then write about them as part of our grade. The problem being there were plenty of literary events for people over the age of 21. So many readings and events that our teachers recommended did not work for those of us under the age of 21 who weren’t allowed in the bars. For one of these my friend said that a famous author had an event at Borders (RIP) on the other end of the city from where we lived. So a small group of us went all the way out to that Borders realized we weren’t early enough to sit in on the discussion which was then sold out and our best and final bet was to get a number for the book signing. So we did that and got dinner nearby. My friends had books but I had nothing to get signed. This book was one of the few ones out and on sale so I bought it and then spent the many hours left waiting in that line reading manga.

Here’s the thing. Kudos to David Sedaris’s work ethic. He’s one of those authors who will stay until everyone in line goes through as long as the place is willing to stay open. Which is super cool. But for me, a college kid who was utterly exhausted and had never even heard of the author before, showed up at 3am after waiting in line for ages to learn Mr. Sedaris either requests a joke or gives you a joke when he meets you. I really really just wanted to get the book signed so I could go back to my dorm and sleep and then write up my journal entry for class. I wasn’t in the mood for jokes. And my humor isn’t really okay with cancer jokes at any time let alone 3am. So I haven’t read this book. It’s been on my shelves for ages, moved from dorm room to dorm room to boxes and forgotten. But it’s signed. And even though I’m still very bitter I’m willing to give it a shot. But I don’t have high hopes.

Listen to the Echos, The Ray Bradbury Interviews by Sam Weller, to continue with the books I’m bitter about and have been putting off reading. This book is also signed and the signing is the part that I’m a little bitter about. Again backstory time. So there’s two things you should know. One is that my school would host some pretty cool events from time to time with dinners and what not with authors or other people in the arts and one of my best college friends and her family went to this school fancy dinner at, I believe, the school’s President’s home and they very sweetly got me this book. What kills me on the inside is the signing.

Lauren!

A gift from the —– family!

Live Forever!

Sam Weller

Now you might be like well it is a gift, right? True. But the kicker. The painful kicker was that Sam Weller was my teacher. I was in his Ray Bradbury class at the time this was signed. I spent an entire semester learning about what made Ray Bradbury who he was and how his short stories and works created a ripple effect that gave us so many beloved movies, stories and idioms we have today. I loved that class. I planned to get this book myself and get it signed because I enjoyed it and the teacher so much. And this is the equivalent of getting “Have a great summer” in your yearbook. Now to be real, he probably didn’t put two and two together and at some point, I could’ve tried to get it re-signed but I didn’t. I should’ve, I wish I did. Because I remember laughing about it and taking the book to class but I chickened out. I think, in all honesty, it has to do with teachers who make huge impacts on you and then forgetting who you are when you’re not in class with them. My college departmental advisor just completely forgot who I was when I went to visit after graduating. I get it. I do, but it sure does sting.

Breverton’s Nautical Curiosities by Terry Breverton which is a delightful book about nautical things, another passion of mine from growing up. I’ve never sat down and read it but I’ve flipped through it many a time.

Feeding Hannibal a Connoisseur’s Cookbook by Janice Poon. I loved this TV show and I’m forever in awe of Janice Poon and how she made the food look appetizing but also vaguely human (gross, very gross) while also edible for the cast. I bought this in Korea at the Seoul Comic Con and brought it home.

Healing Herbal Teas: A Complete Guid to Making Delicious, Healthful Beverages by Brigitte Mars, A.H.G. I don’t know if you know this but I love tea. I’m warming up to coffee in the same way I am to booze, as long as I don’t taste it we’re good. But with tea I’m obsessed. This was a gift. I haven’t set about reading it but I am curious about it.

Onto shelf #2

East of Eden by John Steinbeck. I’m not sure if other majors have this but my department while I was there was pretty obsessed with this book. Not teacher’s necessarily but my cohorts talked about it a lot and said they loved it or talked about how it shaped them. So I bought it. Don’t know why since one of the go-to books that drew a lot of students to our school and department because the teacher worked there  creeped me out but hey, willing to give this massive book a try.

The Revenge of the Shadow King by Derek Benz and J.S. Lewis. This is a book that’s been on my shelf a long time. Probably since around when it came out in 2005 that I just kept putting off reading even though I knew I wanted to read it. I’m a sucker for fantasy novels with fey or even a twisty dark vibe to them.

Eyes Like Stars by Lisa Mantchev. I’m going to be honest, bought this book because of the cover. It was a pretty art style with faeries of some kind.

The Magicina of Hoad by Margaret Mahy, for a paperback this book is super shiny. Not sure if that’s why I got it or because anything genre tended to grab my attention in high school.

Timeline by Michael Crichton. In my first year of college, my group of friends and I had a secret Santa and the person who had me didn’t have a clue what to get me except books. So he decided to do one of my favorite things ever which was to get me some books that were his favorites. This is one of them that I hadn’t gotten around to reading yet.

Procession of the Dead by Darren Shan. I’ve been saving this one. I spent most of high school and college devouring any nightmarish adventure Darren Shan concocted. The Thin Executioner is still one of my favorites despite being so ghastly. This one though I remember spotting at the store and going “how dare no one tell me he’d come out with a new book?” And grabbing it. However after living overseas so long I’m sure I’m behind on a lot of books and authors I used to keep up to date on before.

The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flamel: The Sorceress, The Necromancer and the Magician by Michael Scott. You may remember I’ve read the first in this series and did not enjoy it. But I heard from some other readers that the series gets better and since I have these three books as hard backs which aren’t cheap I’m determined to read them and give them a shot before…probably donating them.

Lost in Space by Ben Tanser. My college hosted a literary event every year while I was there called Story Week. They invited authors and publishers and agents to celebrate books and share what they knew and it was free. As a person who volunteered for it several times it means I’m not sure if I bought all the books I own or if I just got some of the books and this is one of them. I know the publisher was big with our school, our teachers and faculty loved Curbside Splendor, but again I don’t know. This isn’t signed so I think it’s a case of I got it to better understand the publisher and then didn’t get around to reading it because I had big paper’s due like every other day and required reading as well as job and club responsibilities. How I got any fun reading done is beyond me.

The Old Neighborhood by Bill Hillmann is one that I’m kind of embarrassed I didn’t read before now. It’s signed and the author came to class to talk to us about his work because he was good friends with our teacher. He seemed pretty cool and still does. He usually does the Running of the Bulls in Spain and actually got pretty injured one year and made international news.

Where’d you go, Bernadette by Maria Semple. I got this book for free as part of “World Book Night U.S. April 23, 2014” which is pretty cool but I did not read it when I think I was supposed to. Nearly over 6 years late on that one. Sorry World Book Night.

The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand. I don’t know about this one. Did I get it because movies were being adapted of Ayn Rand’s work? Did I get it because people were talking about it? Did I get it just out of curiosity because her work is so polarising and pretty much as hated as Twilight and 50 Shades of Grey were within my cohort? Was it on a list of books to read? Not a clue. I’ve read Atlas Shrugged since and looking at the size of this book it’s going to be a long journey of tiny print.

The Maltese Falcon by Dashiell Hammett. My local public library when I was growing up would participate in a book event where they’d pick a book and then everyone could sign up for that book and they’d host events related to it. Like a big massive book club. Chicago did it too with Neverwhere and many others. I signed up, got the book and then…didn’t read it.

The Princess and the Pirates: The Timelight Stone by Mio Chizuru. This book is a library book. A high school library book that they stamped with rejected and removed all the stuff on it. I assume I got this from a book sale of our library getting rid of books or the librarian just told me she was getting rid of books and since I was working there during my free periods repairing books. The bonus I guess of being a constant presence. It looks like manga but it’s actually a novel, so it’ll be interesting.

Emerald Death by Bill Craig I’m not 100% certain but I’m pretty sure this was from my childhood public library again. It’s signed and I think it was from one of the author events.

The Best of Lady Churchill’s Rosebud Wristlet this is like Lost in Space. I bought this so I could better understand the publication because my genre teachers were full of praise for Lady Churchill’s Rosebud Wristlet and honestly loved the style. But got too busy to read it. I’m sure I have another collection or two for a different publisher in my boxes somewhere but that can wait. I’ve never really been one to read anthologies or collections of short stories so these types of books usually fall a bit on my TBR list. But I should read them.

Push and The Kid by Sapphire. Both of these are signed and were from a literary event while I was in college through the Harold Washington Library. I think I attended an interview at the library where she discussed her work. From what I remember I know these books aren’t going to be the happiest so I am pretty sure that’s why I’ve set them aside.

The final shelf time.

The Canterbury Tales by Geoffrey Chaucer.  I borrowed this book in high school from my dad because we were supposed to read it in English and then…never did. I don’t know why. We probably we got too busy in the other books we were supposed to read that we also never finished. Like Julius Ceaser by Shakespeare that we just stopped reading after he died. So, thank you, Dad, for letting me keep it along with all the others.

The Three Theban Plays by Sophocles, this book is pretty beaten up but I always grab classics even if 70% of the time I hate them. This was probably for a class, quite possibly the most frustrating class I ever took, or I found it cheap somewhere.

Les Miserables by Victor Hugo I picked this up in Paris. Pretty sure I read some copy of this in high school in French and I’ve seen the musical in Korean and the movie version as well as the old film of the musical my French teacher had…but we’ll see how I remember it as I go with the translated English.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame by Victor Hugo. I also got this in Paris. I’ve never read it but after learning about how it single handedly saved Notre Dame I feel like I have to.

Redwall: The Rogue Crew by Brian Jacques. This is the last book Brain Jacques wrote that was published posthumously. I loved Redwall so much and I’m pretty sure I’ve read almost every novel Brian Jacques wrote. When he died I was heartbroken and I got the book but just couldn’t bring myself to read it.

Artemis Fowl the Atlantis Complex by Eoin Colfer, I loved the Artemis Fowl series when I was younger and I really want to jump into this book which is book 7 in the series but I think I’m going to have to go back through my boxes and find the rest of them before reading book seven. It’s been waaaayyyy too long.

The Faeman Quest by Herbie Brennan is another series I absolutely adored when I was younger. Again it’s another where it’s been so long I’ll probably have to re-read the previous books in The Faerie Wars Chronicles to fully understand what’s going on here.

The Ocean at the End of the Lane by Neil Gaiman. Up to this point I was fairly good at reading all of Neil Gaiman’s works. And attending any event he had in Chicago. This one I remember going to with a bunch of friends at the Music Box theater and then staying up late with them to get it signed. It was a fun event but I was saving it to read later since it’s a small book.

Silas Marner by George Eliot not sure where this one came from but I haven’t read it so here it is. I recognize the title though but don’t know why.

A Confusion of Princes by Garth Nix. I love books by Garth Nix he’s one of those authors in Zombies vs Unicorns but I haven’t gotten around to reading this one or even finishing the series of his I started and loved when I was younger. (I don’t like things to end)

Swords of Riverside by Ellen Kushner. This has harlequin romance vibes from the cover but also older fantasy/historical novel vibes. Don’t know where I got it or why but it’ll be interesting for sure. Very curious to see which it falls into or if just the long hair blown back by invisible wind on the male character was just for fun.

Leviathan by Scott Westerfeld, middle school/high school me might not have jumped on the Uglies train whenever one else did but I apparently went ahead and got this book by the author. (Fun fact he’s also in Zombies vs Unicorns). I assume I grabbed it because of the familiar author name and the steampunk vibe of the cover.

Seven Sorcerers by Caro King has a spooky-looking cover with magic vibes, my go to when I was younger.

Changeling by Delia Sherman, when I tell you any sort of fantasy fey adventure or magic novel usually ended up on my shelf just because it fell into that category I’m not joking. This cover is kinda creepy and weird but I can see why I got it because of the title. Oh boy.

These are the books that I plan to read for the most part of the rest of this year. Mixing in e-books and maybe some old ones. There are more books on my bookcase but those are reference or books I’ve read but didn’t remember until I started making this list and realized I had. I also have several books that I didn’t realize were book 6 of a series where I haven’t read or own book one through five. So that’s going to require being set aside until I can check books out from the library. (I’m putting it off because I’m trying to figure out how to renew my library card that’s been inactive for over 5 years during a pandemic)

Anyway wish me luck.

What are some books you’ve had on your shelf for a long time and haven’t gotten rid of but also haven’t read yet?

TBR Bookcase tour I'm officially reunited with about 90% of my things. It's weird. Very very weird but I feel like there's some stable ground beneath my feet.

[divagonzo]

Savor - Romione (and kids)

Blame @headcanonsandmore for this one, explicitly. This post from months ago sparked a fire (and thanks to @hinny-reviews for the review that set the fire this week!) for writing while doing 10 other things too.  I know I kick everyone with angst but some fluff wouldn’t be remiss, either.

Rated K+ ‘cause giving kids caffeine before age 13 is frowned upon in many societies but there are reasons behind it.

I need my demarcation line darn it!

“Hugo dear, what are you doing?”

“It’s something for my art teacher, Mum.”

“Can I see what it is?”

Hugo leaned over the work, hiding it from Hermione. “No, it’s not done yet. I’ll show it when I’m finished with it.”

“Oh, ok.” Hermione stepped back from over his shoulder, giving her son some breathing room. He was highly sensitive to people inside his comfort zone, including his parents.

“Is it for a grade, love?”

“Yes, no, maybe. The teacher asked us to do some comics for a class assignment for extra credit. I had an idea for it and started the night we got the assignment.”

“When is it due, dear?”

“Tomorrow. I need to finish it tonight.”

“Well, then, I will leave you be. Dinner is in an hour. Your father made pork chops.”

“Did he – “

“Yes, dear. There will be no gravy on your plate, you’ll have hash browns instead of mashed potatoes, and toasted crumpets with dinner.”

“Thanks, Mum.” He leaned back over his work and continued onward, immediately ignoring Hermione once again.

She closed the door softly behind her, even though she knew he wouldn’t notice, not when he was hyper-focused on something he was working on, much like she was when she was working from home.

“Mum, I need some help!” Rose bellowed through their residence. She left Hugo and sought out her daughter, who was working on a project too, mostly for her own benefit. Left out of her thoughts was Hugo’s project. She didn’t worry because he was like her, finishing things before they were due.

A few days later...

“Mum! I won!” Hugo hopped into the back of the small auto that Hermione owned. While having one wasn’t really necessary, she did on occasion need to do things the Muggle way, including picking her son up from primary school. Fridays were his day to stay after school, having time with other kids doing science stuff. She’d had loved to have an after-school class learning how things worked, much like Arthur’s fascination in all things Muggle. 90 minutes of club time gave her a chance to be a normal Mum, picking her son up after school, even if it was just driving the car from the house to the school and back.

“You did?”

“I did.”

“What was the contest? Did I miss a notice from your teacher?”

“No. It was what I was working on this weekend.”

“Oh, the project you wouldn’t let me see because it wasn’t finished?”

“Yes, that one,” He fiddled with the toys in the middle of the back seat, giving his hands something to do on the fifteen-minute car ride back to their residence. “I finished it late that night.”

“How late?” She asked, worried that her son was already taking his academics entirely too serious at such a young age.  Ron was good about keeping her grounded and not falling into her work too hard now, since he retired from active duty with the Aurors and was working behind the scenes, along with George at the shop, still.

“Um,” he hemmed and hawed, trying to avoid answering the question.

“Hugo James Granger-Weasley, you tell me – “

“Midnight, Mum,” he stared at her in the rear-view mirror, looking abashed. “I wasn’t happy with one panel of it and had to rework it.”

His chagrin was enough for her to drop her argument – but the fact that he was making eye contact with her. He only did that with people he trusted the most – when it was most important to him. She threaded through the congestion of evening traffic while stealing glances at her son in the back seat. He was looking out the window, enthralled at everything passing him by.

So she shifted. “So tell me about it, dear. You never said what it was about.” She could set her watch the number of seconds it took for Hugo to process what she said, turn his attention back towards her and answer her.

Ten seconds later, Hugo was squirming in his seat. “Well, um, the teacher wanted us to a one-page comic and she wanted it to be about a hero of ours.”

“Oh really?” Hermione turned the corner away from the primary school and headed up the road to their home on New road with one stop on the way. “So who did you pick, dear? The character from the television show you’re enjoying?”

“No, Mum.” Hugo sat quietly while Hermione threaded her way through traffic to cross the river to the other side and near home. “Well, I wanted to but I chose someone else.”

“Oh really?” She turned into the chain coffee shop to pick up their order for the afternoon: a pumpkin spice latte with two extra shots of espresso, and for her son, a half caffeine caramel iced coffee drink with extra whole milk. They sat in line for only a moment before turning up at the window. The lovely young man at the counter, Cecil, recognized them for frequent customers and handed over their drinks before taking the quid Hermione handed over.   She handed the caramel drink to her son and he tucked in immediately, slurping to be heard in Aberystwyth. She waited for change before pulling off and turning back onto the roadway.

“How’s your drink, dear?”

“Good, Mum.” He slurped away while she navigated traffic.

“So tell me about this comic?”

“It’s in my bag and I will show you and Daddy when we get home.”

“He won’t be home for another hour, Hugo. He was off helping Uncle Harry at the Ministry.”

“Oh,” disappointment echoed in his voice.

“But maybe he’ll have finished early and come home straightaway.”

Hermione turned onto their street and went a few houses down to a cookie cutter home with a garage. By the time the garage door was finally down, Hugo was out of the car with his drink, leaving his bag behind for Hermione to collect. They went in, greeted with smells of spag bol, garlic bread, and wilted spinach for the adults while Rose got a small salad and Hugo, on his special plate that separated all of the foods, 10 baby carrots. Hermione lucked up a few years back finding them in a charity shop one afternoon.

“You’re home!” Hugo yelled and raced for his Dad, crashing into Ron’s waist before he was picked up and given a raspberry kiss on the cheek.

“’ello love,” Ron leaned down to give a kiss to his wife and another gargantuan hug to Hugo. “Go wash up before dinner. It’s almost ready. I know you’re peckish.”

Hugo scampered off before Hermione dropped his satchel near the dining room table. “Hugo won something at school today and he won’t tell me what it is until we got home.”

“Oh, really?” Ron was ladling sauce over the noodles for Rose’s plate before plating theirs. Hugo’s was already at the table. While he had specific choices, including food temperature, he had the Weasley appetite, never completely full. He’d taken after his Dad that way and secretly, Hermione was delighted by it.

“I’ll get him to show us at dinner. He’s so proud he won something, makes him feel more in touch with the other kids, probably.”

“I’ll ask once he’s had enough to eat.”

Hugo raced back into the dining room, settling in his chair and tucking in immediately to his meal. Hermione held back any thought of scolding him on his eating habits, considering what Ron mentioned how hungry he was at that age and that he could never eat fast enough to not have something nicked off of his plate by Fred and or George, too.

“When you get a moment,” Ron smiled at Hugo inhaling his pasta, “tell us about your award-winning entry.”

Hugo nodded and continued to scarf his food. Rose shared a look with her Dad, one that Hermione shared sometimes too, and she at with gusto, without as much flare as Hugo did.

A few minutes later, after talking about their days at work, Hugo burped, earning a snicker from his sister, he left the table to get his entry from his satchel. He returned, handing it to Hermione first. She scanned it, smiling broadly, before putting her hand to her mouth and letting her eyes shine bright. “Sweetie, this is amazing.”

Hugo beamed.

“This will go up on the fridge after your Dad sees this.” Hermione handed over the one sheet comic for Ron to appreciate.

He put down his fork and picked up the sheet.

“Mum, what is it?”

“Hugo was working last weekend on this and he won. How many entries were there?”

“Most of the level turned one in. The other levels, they had other things they did.”

“Oh, that many? Excellent.”

“Mum,” Rose whined.

“Here,” Ron handed over the comic to his daughter, looking quite embarrassed yet somehow proud at the same time. “He made me an Anime hero, with a cape and everything. I dunno Hugo; I think I look pretty fetching in that red suit and the white cape.”

Rose looked over the comic. “Hugo, you did all of this?”

“Yes, no one helped me, not even Miss Collins. I did all of it by myself, including the story.”

Rose handed it back to Ron. “Read it for us, Dad.”

“Yes, please,” Hermione said in her slightly choked up voice. Ron saw the pride in her eyes and appreciation that all of their hard work raising their children reflected back on Ron primarily.

Ron grunted a few times, clearing his throat, before starting.

“In another multiverse,” Ron looked at Hermione, “What’s a multiverse?”

“It means that it’s an alternate reality, like those weird stories Rose loves to read, like two characters from the television show she watches, but they open a coffee shop rather than saving the world.”

“Oh, I get it now.” Ron looked back at the comic. “In another Multiverse, there was a bookshop owner named Bilbo. He was tall, with bright ginger hair, mysterious curling scars down his arms, a hearty laugh, and willing to help anyone who came into the shop.” Ron looked at his son and smirked. “Bookstore, huh? Bet you got that idea from all the times I was helping carry Mum’s books, I reckon.”

“I did. You always help Mum when she buys up a month’s worth of books for us or when we go to the library and you help her bring them all into the house.”

Ron looked back at the comic, picking up where he left off. “And one day a small boy walked in, looking at the tall man standing behind the counter. A huge smile erupted on the tall man’s face. “How can I help you, my good sir?” Ron looked at Hermione. “He’s been reading your literature books again, hasn’t he?”

“He said the ones his age were dull and boring so I let him read the Jane Austen books.”

“That would explain it,” Ron muttered before turning back to the comic. He stopped and returned to look at Hermione. “Jane Austen? I fell asleep reading her story and couldn’t get past the first three pages.

“Well I find Martin the Mad Muggle dull but it’s still something you enjoy.” The smirk on her face betrayed how she felt underneath it all – that she loved that he enjoys reading for pleasure, now.

“That’s a fair point.” Ron turned back to the comic. “‘The little boy stood on his tiptoes to look over the counter. I bet you’re a superhero in disguise. You look like a superhero.’“

The next panel says, “Well, I am, and somehow you guessed it.” Bilbo leaned far over the counter, getting almost nose to nose with the protagonist. “But you can’t tell a single soul, no sir. This has to be our secret.” He stood back up, standing there with a twinkle in his eye in the next panel.

“But why do you run a used bookstore?”

“It’s the perfect cover if I need to be off to save a fair princess from the mad king. There are many mad kings in the world that people need to be rescued.”

“Can I go?”

“Maybe we should ask your parents first,” He said gently to the young man. “I bet if you went off with me they would miss you terribly.”

“‘I’m an orphan,’ the little boy said.” Ron stopped and sniffed. “You put Uncle Harry into the story. That’s sweet.”

“He told us about how his parents died and he was an orphan who grew up with Muggles. I figured it would explain why the little boy was by himself.”

“Good idea,” Ron surreptitiously wiped his eyes. His voice changed back into the storyteller's voice. “So what shall I call you, my apprentice?”

“Jamie,” He smiled. “I’m 9.”

“Nine is a good age for an apprentice.”

The next panel showed the two of them off on an adventure, rescuing a widow and her daughter from a rampaging hippogriff that looked remarkably like Hermione and Rosie.  The final panel showed a wedding, with lots of flowers and a minister who looked a lot like Uncle Bill.

“So what is this comic called, Hugo?” Ron kept looking at the work and was impressed with his son’s imagination at such an age.

“Heroes. The topic was a comic about our hero. I wrote about you, Dad.”

Ron smiled, just like the one he would give Hermione privately, full of love, adoration, affection, and just a bit boggled at how he was so privileged to have such an amazing family of his own. He opened his arms and Hugo ran to jump in them, relishing a hug. Ron watched over his son’s head as Hermione used her wand to affix the comic to the refrigerator with a sticking charm, next to all of the children’s other works of childhood art. She looked back at her husband and son, savoring this moment that would fuel her Patronus for months to come.

[faneliacosplay]

Top 10 of 2018

C2018 was a year is this nicest way I can sum it up. My precious fur-baby passed away after fighting a horrible illness and is in a happier place, my health went crazy (still is as of writing), and I finally broke free from an abusive toxic person who had been controlling me for a huge chunk of my life. Despite the bad things that happened, I want to focus on the good things of 2018. One of things I began doing in January of 2018 was at the end of every week, I would write down all of the good things that happened to me, be it sewing, watched a good movie, spending time with a friend, etc. So without further ado, here’s my Top 10 of 2018! (I CAN’T BELIEVE IT’S ALREADY MARCH!!)

1. The Ancient Magus’ Bride

-      I’ve been a lifelong fan of Beauty and the Beast-like stories ever since I watched the classic Disney film. The manga kept popping up in my recommendations for the majority of 2017 and I remember seeing a poster at my local theater for a premiere showing of the first 3 episodes of the then-upcoming anime (I have since regretted not going to this showing). I finally caved and bought the first two volumes of the manga and literally went back to the store two days later and bought the next 2 volumes. I’ve always been a very picky person with my romance be it movie, novel, anime, manga, etc., but this quickly became one of my favorites with it’s excellent world-building, relationships, and don’t even get me started on how gorgeous the animation is! If you want an excellent Beauty & the Beast adaptation, you won’t be disappointed. (I am unashamed of crying happy tears in public while watching the final episode)

2. Satoshi Kon’s Filmography

-      My New Year’s resolution was to watch all of the late Satoshi Kon’s works, starting with his debut film Perfect Blue. I had wanted to watch this film for several years, and it did not disappoint. (I kept spamming for people to go and see it when it got a theatrical re-release in Fall 2018) Next was Kon’s final project Paprika, which I watched about 3 times in May and many times over 2018 and still notice something new every time I watch it. Finally, I watched *the* film that I have wanted to watch for many, many years (since 2004 to be exact): Millennium Actress. I was not prepared for how moving this film would be with its themes of the past vs. present, how an ordinary encounter can lead to something so much more, and lastly: love transcends time. If you could only watch one of Satoshi Kon’s works, please choose to watch Millennium Actress. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to watch Kon’s other two works, but I aim to in 2019 (along with reading his works)

3. Slayers

-      I watched some of Slayers back in middle school and in summer 2016, but never took off with it until in 2018. I knew I would like this funny series about the adventures of a fiery sorceress, dumb as a stump swordsman, optimistic hero-in-training, and an overly-serious chimera, but I had no idea it would become one of my top 10 favorite anime series! I haven’t laughed so much with an anime in a while, and I greatly appreciated it since my fur-baby passed away and this was one of the last anime we watched together. There’s just something about 90s fantasy anime that’s just so appealing. I will throw in that while I love the tv series, the films are worth watching too, with The Motion Picture being my favorite. If you need something to cheer you up, I highly recommend Slayers!

4. Venom

-      Confession: I did not have high hopes for this movie. I was the only one among my friends who was uninterested in this film whenever we would watch the trailers/promos/etc. Eventually after this movie came out, my friends and best friend convinced me to see it. My sociology buddy told me “This movie wasn’t marketed right! Go see it!!” and another told me “This is the best action rom-com of 2018.” The next day my family asked me if I wanted to see it and Bohemian Rhapsody (also an excellent film) and I said “Sure!” This film has since spawned never-ending jokes between me and my best friend. (I ended up making her a Venom scarf for Christmas!) If you’re trying to get someone to see this film, don’t show them the trailers depicting it as a dark, gritty, action thriller, show them the home video trailer depicting it as a rom-com because that’s exactly what it is. I still can’t believe that a movie about a human falling in love with a man-eating gooey alien is real.

5. The Shape of Water

-      “2017 will be remembered as the year men screwed up so badly, women started dating fish.”- Jimmy Kimmel, 2018 Oscars. I’m beginning to see a pattern for stories of humans falling in love with monsters. My mom and I wanted to see this film after the trailer dropped in summer 2017 and were disappointed when the film didn’t play here. However, sometime in February 2018, this film played in our town for one weekend, so we dashed to the theater. I don’t even know where to start with how beautiful this film is and since several people I know still haven’t watched it I’ll just state this: Please watch this film. It earned the 4 Oscars it won. (It earned all 10 it was nominated for!)

6. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-verse

-      I almost didn’t see this film. 2018 was a pretty hectic year for me and I didn’t really keep up with films/entertainment news, so I saw no trailers for this film (except for a really short tv ad). All I knew was what my best friend had said: “Brianna, let’s go see Spider-verse. In 3D.” (y’all, 2018 was the year of listening to my best friend) It was so nice not only to see a different Spider-Man, a diverse cast, a well-curated soundtrack, and a completely new style of animation that makes you feel as though you’re reading/watching a comic book??? Sign me up! I’m so happy this film won the Oscar!!

7. Macross Frontier Movies

-      I’ve fallen deep into the Macross hole in the past year or two and have no plans of crawling out. The 2008 series Macross Frontier was my first and favorite entry in the series so far. I knew that there were two recap/alternate retelling films made, so when I was free one day I watched them and I was really surprised that I enjoyed them more than the tv series!? I haven’t really mentioned this, but my big problem with the tv series of Frontier was it’s ending being not too good. I don’t want to ruin it since Macross (particularly made after 2001) is a bit unknown in the USA, but I will say that if you want to get into this franchise, start with the Frontier movies or with the iconic Macross: Do you remember love? film. The music is just as good as the tv series, same with the costumes, and the writing is much better! The performance of Northern Cross at the climax of The Wings of Goodbye was really moving. Not “Do you remember love?” moving, but pretty close.

8. Sailor Moon Theatrical Double-Feature

-      Everyone who knows me knows that I’ve loved Sailor Moon for pretty much all of my life (ever since the 3rd & 4th seasons aired on Toonami back in the day!) A holiday tradition for me was to watch the 2nd theatrical every Christmas Eve, unfortunately my two VHS tapes finally gave out in 2016. Thanks to Viz Media, this past summer saw theatrical re-releases of all 3 Sailor Moon films. Shockingly, my local theater was showing the films subbed so my mom and I bought our tickets right away. It was so surreal seeing these films that I grew up with on the big screen, and I know non-Sailor Moon fans won’t get this, but hearing/watching the whole “Moon Revenge” sequence in the theater was so intense. This part never got to me as a kid for some weird reason and I had no idea I was crying until my mom pointed it out at the end of the film. With the 2nd film, seeing Luna transform into a human was emotionally moving as always, just 10 times more since it was on the big screen with that nice surround sound system. That night when I got home, I didn’t get any sleep since I still couldn’t believe that this happened. The now 20+ years old Sailor Moon movies got released for the first time in USA theaters. This is an experience I’m going to remember for the rest of my life.

9. Cardcaptor Sakura: Clear Card Arc

-      I was so excited when a sequel to Cardcaptor Sakura was announced. Like Sailor Moon, I watched this series as the heavily-edited Cardcaptors on Toonami. When I got older and learned that there was more anime out there besides the ones I saw on TV, I went back and watched Cardcaptor Sakura to get the whole, magical story and even read the manga, which I believe is the greatest children’s manga ever made. I loved every single moment of the new series and felt as though I were watching another episode of the classic series. The only thing that felt different was that the animation is no longer hand-drawn. (it’s still good) When you reboot or make a sequel to a series be it tv, film, or book, sometimes it’ll miss the charm that made it so enjoyable in the first place. Clear Card thankfully still carries the charm its predecessor had.

10. Little Witch Academia

-      I had started this anime around holiday 2017 but didn’t finish it until early 2018. This was one of the most optimistic series I’d ever had the pleasure of watching. I don’t want to compare the two, but the inspirational message that Kiki’s Delivery Service gave me when I was 10, was the exact inspirational message you will find in Little Witch Academia. (and that I needed to hear as a 20-year-old) I was starting to get a bit depressed and losing confidence in myself with my science grades getting lower no matter what I tried, as well as other things in my personal life. After dropping Science, I had a long wait between classes, so I decided to start watching Little Witch Academia again. Seeing our protagonist Akko trying her best at flying a broom and failing was me with my science grades, but her determination to get her broom just a few centimeters off the ground was so inspiring to watch. After this I watched the other Studio Trigger works I had yet to see, and while they’re all good in their own way, none of them have left the imprint LWA left on me. Sometimes when I get frustrated or lack confidence in myself, I tell myself Shiny Chariot’s words of wisdom that motivated Akko throughout the series: “Never forget your beautiful dreams. Believing is your magic!!”

[snkpolls]

SnK S3E22 Poll Results (Manga Reader Version)

The poll closed with 305 responses. Thank you to everyone who participated! And we apologize for the delay in getting the results posted! 

Please note that these are the results of the manga reader poll. Anime only watchers are suggested not to read if you do not wish to be spoiled about certain events! Anime only viewers, click here to view your poll results!

RATE THE EPISODE 290 Responses

The final episode received mid to high ratings overall, with 74.5% of participants rating it at a 5. No doubt the anime staff did a great job closing the season.

Greatest ending of a season ever.

i cant watch the ocean scene without crying so id say it was a pretty good ep

This episode was beyond boring and the ending was captivating, but still not enough to make up for such a boring episode.

WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING WAS THE MOST MEMORABLE MOMENT? 299 Responses

Several of the preferred moments in the episode took place at long-awaited ocean. 40.1% of participants were most impacted by Eren’s despairing words while looking across the sea. 18.1% enjoyed seeing exchanged smiles between Armin and Mikasa, and 14.7% most loved the first time the Survey Corps laid eyes on the ocean.

Rarely have I seen a scene so beautiful that had so much episodes of set-up. The ocean scene lived up to the hype. EMA finally got to the see the Umi

The ocean scene was more beautiful than I could've imagined.

Floch was spitting FIRE!!

At this point I'm just glad they did justice to everyone finally seeing the ocean. The scene seemed to fall a little flat in the manga - not too badly, but enough that it didn't hit me the way I thought it would. The extra build up the anime added, along with seeing it in motion and hearing the voice acting, gave the anime version a lot more punch.

DID PIXIS AND HISTORIA MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION BY CHOOSING TO REVEAL THE TRUTH TO THE PUBLIC? 298 Responses

Pixis and Historia decided it was best to share the truth of the outside world with the public, no matter the response. 93% of participants believed this was the right call, while a smaller percent thought otherwise or were unsure.

They did it, but it was just kinda spilled to the public and caused a lot of uproar. I dunno if letting the newspaper report on it was the best idea.

WHO DO YOU THINK WROTE THE “INTENTS FOR THE FUTURE” EXCERPT IN THE EYE CATCH? 294 Responses

The mid-episode information card showed an entry about “Intent for the Future” in response to the truth of the world. 49.7% of participants believe the talk of diplomacy implied Armin was the author, whereas 16.3% believe it was Hange. 13.9% think the contemplative tone may have been Eren’s doing.

I think the "intents for the future" is written by Hange, since it says "watashi" and only they have "the duty" to come up with a better plan than the rumbling.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO FIRST IF YOU’VE NEVER SEEN OR KNEW ABOUT THE OCEAN BEFORE? 294 Responses

Had there been no prior real world awareness of the ocean, 60.9% of participants would choose to slowly dip their feet in the water during their first encounter. 17.7% would rather observe the strange discovery from afar, and 11.2% would contemplate the meaning of life.

WHOSE INITIAL REACTION TO THE SEA WAS YOUR FAVORITE? 299 Responses

The characters’ first reactions varied upon their initial encounter with the sea. 30.4% of participants most enjoyed Armin’s marveled gaze at his most anticipated dream, while 22.7% liked Mikasa’s surprised reaction the most. Eren’s less impressed and discouraged expressions were most favored by 18.1% of participants.

Armin and Mikasa at the ocean scene was one of the BEST THINGS EVER.

I thought the animation in the first half was a little weak, but damn, I could watch Armin gaze fondly upon the ocean for hours. The animation there was on point. 

Armin and Mikasa were so cute in the ocean scene, smiling and blushing!!! Seeing Armin's happy tears after finally seeing the ocean was really moving too!! <3 I'm sad though Eren couldn't enjoy it the same way as them...

HOW WELL DID THE ANIME TEAM ADAPT CHAPTER 90? 295 Responses

The episode only covered chapter 90, but a majority of participants believed the anime did a faithful adaptation of the manga, with 78.6% saying it was near perfect.

It was fucking perfect and I even dare to say it was better than in the manga. Animation, background music, characters expressions, seiyuus - these made this episode so great. I really cried when I watched and listened to Eren talking about freedom and enemy, what didnt happen to me when I read it. I could feel his deep sadness and it was better shown how much he's changed. Kudos to everyone at studio WIT involved in snk and especially this episode

The pacing was a bit too slow. They could’ve picked up the pace a bit by maybe adding one more anime only scene. Also, they should have left off with Falco.

HOW WELL DID THE ANIME DEPICT THE FIRST MOMENT OF SEEING THE OCEAN? 296 Responses

Finally seeing the ocean animated in full color, 54.7% of participants thought the moment exceeded the manga version with the captivating visuals and awed expressions. 38.2% compared it equally emotional as the manga version while 5.1% were pleased but preferred the moment in the manga.

They made it look so wholesome I nearly forgot Eren’s suffering

Idk I didn't see because there was water in my line of sight. That happens every time since the episode that broke my heart.

It felt so unreal, they did an incredible job of transcribing from the point of view of the characters and I think I felt at least as upset as they were by discovering the beautiful graphics of the ocean.

It was underwhelming and I didn’t care for the scene at all

IN THE ANIME, EREN GETS OFF OF HIS HORSE AND TOUCHES THE IMMOBILE TITAN. WHAT’D YOU THINK OF THIS CHANGE? 299 Responses

The anime altered the moment Eren sees the immobile titan by including him dismounting his horse and physically touching its head. 74.9% of participants thought the moment properly captured Eren’s newfound sympathy for the titans as fellow compatriots. 9.7% believe it made him look more sympathetic than in reality, and 5.7% didn’t think the change was needed.

It made more clean to the audience that Eren new target/enemy are not the titans anymore, now feeling pity for their compatriots. And his templance and tone remind us Kruger/Grisha presence on him, his hatred for Marley.

I was pinned on the spot, and I had to look at this passage several times to be sure of having seen well. Wow, Eren touched a titan and considers him "one of theirs".  This passage was made without special emphasis, as if it was normal that Eren had compassion for a titan, and it really shaken me.

I think it was a rly nice addiction but I dont think its about Eren symphatizing with the titans, rather to me it shows Eren's melancholy of facing the truth about the titans. He wasnt feeling sympathy or pity for that titan, just the truth that it was once a person, the truth outside the walls, beyond the ocean.

it was an odd change but it kinda illustrated just how much of an impact memories/paths are having on eren’s mind

It was a bit cheesy

Eren is now the titan whisperer

HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT THE FEW FRAMES OF THE ATTACK ON LIBERIO IN THE END CREDITS? 297 Responses

The ending credits revealed some scenes of the Attack on Liberio and its aftermath. 64.3% of participants felt the inclusion was a good way to build suspense for the final season, while 24.2% think the scenes were too subtle for anime viewers to react and specifically catered to manga readers.

As for the ending itself, it's a good thing they released extra pics, but the main issue; if you follow the anime, is this: the screencaps don't show where it's located, not when these events take place. It could take place on Paradis, it could mean the mean Marleys are attacking in full force again, or if we're this far in the manga, it could be assumed the characters at the sea have no choice but to become monsters to fight the monsters of the outside world... which goes against what the manga portrays when you take into account there's been 9 chapters dedicated to show the POV from the other side of the ocean.

THERE ARE A COUPLE SCENES IN THE END CREDITS THAT HAVEN’T BEEN ILLUSTRATED IN THE MANGA. DO YOU BELIEVE THESE ARE FUTURE PANELS THAT WILL APPEAR LATER IN THE STORY? 297 Responses

There were a few scenes in the credits that were not illustrated in the manga. 53.2% of participants believe these will be future panels in the upcoming manga chapters, but 38% aren’t quite sure. A smaller 8.8% think the scenes are just for show or anime only and will not make a comeback in the manga.

WHO IS THE GIRL STUDENT IN THE UNIFORM? 296 Responses

One of the unillustrated scenes showed a girl in a school uniform among other students. 37.8% think the student is an Eldian, and 35.8% think she is Marleyan. 19.6% believe this is the future depicting a modern-day student. Will she be shown again? Some believe this is someone we already knew.

Also, I'm leaning towards the theory that the girl in the uniform is Lady Tybur when she attended a private school.

The girl student in the uniform is likely Ms Tybur (the Warhammer titan), as the school looks quite prestigious, and they are the only high class characters of importance in Marley.  I hope this means that we might get a bit more on her character in the anime adaptation.

WITH THE PV CONFIRMATION THAT THE 4TH SEASON WILL BE THE FINAL ONE, WHAT’S YOUR GUESS FOR WHEN THE MANGA WILL END? 298 Responses

The brief preview announcement of the 4th season set to release confirmed it would be the anime’s final season. With the release date in the fall of next year, 44.6% of manga reading participants believe the manga series will conclude in mid to late 2020. 22.8% think the manga will end early in the beginning of next year, and 14.8% believe Isayama and the animation studio will work together to release the finale of both the manga and anime around the same time. As of recently, Isayama thinks he has about a year left to complete his story, but only time will tell when it actually ends.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS ON THE EPISODE?

Not your usual beach episode lol. Wished the stinger is they show Falco looking up on sky in Fort Slava, but maybe it's too revealing for anime onlies? 

I can't believe we've come this far already. Everything was beautifully done, the end credits were just absolutely poignant and the extra scenes have only made me more impatient for more Manga chapters.

It's probably the episode of Snk that caused the most emotion in me. Eren's seiyuu especially, but also Armin's were really excellent. The melancholy of Eren's voice, and the hope so fragile and so beautiful of Armin, appeared to me strikingly thanks to that. The separation that prefigures in EMA trio, and the dreams that break as they face what they had sought from the beginning pierced me.

That piano score that played throughout the end credits...Sure Sawano you can tear out my heart, this show's gotten me used to it anyway…

Also can I just say Mikasa in the ocean was really fucking adorable? Because she was. I've always had this headcanon that she would love the ocean because the half of her that isn't an Ackerman is from the ""East Sea Clan"" and so I would think coastal life and seafaring would be in her blood. This episode has only strengthened this headcanon for me. :)

I miss Erwin. I don't think that'll ever change, but duuudes Floch made me cry every harder. He's such a lost kid and he's alone in his grief. No one should be alone 😭

years of waiting and god has finally gifted us with a masterpiece.

The anime-only scenes were a very nice touch, and added to the emotion of the arc. Considering what's become of Eren and Floch (ugh) now, the scene where Eren touches the Titan, followed by Floch hanging behind for a moment, seemed quite telling. Can't wait to see the next season (and all the death and destruction that unfortunately accompanies it).

Honestly this season, and potentially the entire series was ruined for me  because of how they handled Uprising. It was an alright adaptation, with some admittedly outstanding scenes, but the first part of the season really killed my hype for the second part. 

Mikasa’s smile to Armin was the only part of this episode I thought was done more effectively than in the manga. She’s been through so much; it was sweet to see her out of her element in a GOOD way, WITH her family there. This scene cemented her as my 3rd favorite character.

I picked up on the little, subtle changes, and I really enjoyed them. WIT did an amazing job on this episode, and it was fairly lived up to.

There wasn't much filler, but I liked what they did with adding Grisha's distorted facial expression and how they conveyed Eren's at the end of the first half. Also nice Floch filler where he asks why the SC doesn't cull that titan lol.

Hitch broke my heart ;-;

I’m not ready. Somebody save us! I don’t want hobo Eren yet!

Truly amazing. It was really refreshing to see the characters taking a break from all the gore and enjoy the moment. Great ending.

WHERE DO YOU PRIMARILY DISCUSS THE SERIES? 284 Responses

Thank you to everyone who participated! 

[schraubd]

Election 2018: How Did Anti-Semites Do?

A few days ago, Tablet Magazine published a list of eight "antisemites running for Congress". It was a good start, but woefully incomplete -- there are so many more antisemites to choose from! Moreover, it doesn't really properly gradate antisemitism (there's a huge difference between a literal Holocaust Denier and someone who's been in a room with Louis Farrakhan). So while you can read how Tablet's 8 fared here, for a more comprehensive picture this post has you covered. First, the good news: the absolutely, positively, most blatant antisemites generally did not win.

Actual Neo-Nazi Arthur Jones lost to Democratic Rep. Dan Lipinski 73-27 in Illinois' 3rd congressional district. 

Jones' Holocaust-denying compatriot, John Fitzgerald, lost by a similar 72-28 margin in California's 11th district to Democratic Rep. Mark DeSaulnier. 

In state legislative races, the same basically held true:

In North Carolina's 48th state house district, GOP nominee Russell Walker -- who once said Jews "descend from Satan" -- lost to Black Democratic minister Garland Pierce 63-37. 

In Missouri, GOP nominee Steve West (who was disowned by his own kids) fell well short of unseating Democratic State Rep. Jon Carpenter. 

Finally, in California, Maria Estrada's virulent antisemitism didn't stop her from earning an Our Revolution endorsement, but it presumably did her no favors in her D-on-D challenge to State Assembly speaker Anthony Rendon -- she lost 56-44.

The two biggest antisemites to win were both incumbents.

Open White Supremacist Rep. Steve King (R-IA), last seen telling the world that European Neo-Nazi parties would just be plain old Republicans in America, had a much closer than anticipated race against Democrat J.D. Scholten. Still, King prevailed 50-47, thus proving that there is no limit to how racist you can be if there are enough Republicans in your district.  

Meanwhile, in Washington, GOP State Rep. Matt Shea -- who advocated for an American theocracy where non-Christian men are executed -- handily won reelection 58-42. Huzzah.

Now, those guys represent the worst of the worst. Most (not all) were running on the GOP line, and most (not all) lost. But the Tablet list itself evinces a clear antisemitic spectrum, and once you move past the obvious cases the story gets more complex. On Tablet's list were two definite borderline entries, for whom I think it's fair to question if they are properly called antisemitic at all (certainly, they're far further afield than some of the names further down on this list):

The case for including Indiana Rep. Andre Carson (D) appears to boil down to "he's been in a room with Farrakhan and the Iranian president", which isn't exactly on the level of denying the Holocaust. Call me jaded, but this felt very thin to me. Carson's Indiana district is gerrymandered to be reliably blue, and so it was -- Carson took his race 63-37.

Lena Epstein -- the Republican candidate in Michigan's 11th congressional district -- also has fair grounds to question her inclusion. Yes, inviting a Jews for Jesus Rabbi to eulogize the Pittsburgh victims was stupid, and insensitive, and baffling, and did I mention stupid? -- but was it antisemitic? I'm not sure. But we no longer need to expend much effort figuring it out: Epstein was soundly defeated by Democrat Haley Stevens, flipping this open GOP seat blue and I suspect signaling the last we hear of Epstein in national politics.

The next tier of antisemites comprises people who aren't really accused of saying anything antisemitic themselves, but who have endorsed antisemites or antisemitic movements.

On the Democratic side, Rep. Danny Davis (D-IL) is the poster child -- while the past few weeks might have you believe that every Democrat in the country is a Louis Farrakhan fanboy, Davis is one of the few who actually has praised the man (the NOI has a large presence in Davis' Chicago district). Davis' district is one of the bluest in the country, and he took 88% of the vote against nominal Republican opposition.

On the Republican side, Rep. Dana Rohrabacher (R-CA) endorsed a Holocaust denier for school board (and that wasn't even his only connection to the Holocaust denying set). "Putin's favorite Congressman" looks to have gone down in his toss-up race, losing narrowly to Democrat Harley Rouda. 

Also falling into this category (though arguably shading into the class below) is California GOP Rep. Steve Knight, who ran an ad featuring a far-right activist notorious for antisemitic and racist online comments (Knight plead ignorance about the guy's views, but you'd think the t-shirt he was wearing in the ad -- a US flag with "infidel" stamped over it -- would be a giveaway). Knight lost his seat 51-49 to Democrat Katie Hill.

Next, we get to people who have themselves said or done antisemitic things -- albeit perhaps not as vividly as a Steve King sort.

For Republicans, George Soros is the fulcrum. Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL), who gave a Holocaust denier a State of the Union ticket and is a major source of Soros-related conspiracy theorizing, works as a good example. He handily won his re-election race 67-33. 

Speaking of Soros, in Minnesota's 1st district, Jim Hagedorn -- who claimed that Joe Lieberman only supported the Iraq War because he was a Jew and who then cut an ad claiming his opponent was "owned" by the Jewish globalist billionaire -- looks like he will squeak out a win over Democrat Dan Feehan. If that result holds, it marks one of the few districts this cycle to flip D-to-R. It also is particularly painful for me because this is the district where my wife grew up and my in-laws still live.

And while Florida gubernatorial candidate Ron DeSantis is more well-known for the racism, he too dipped his toe in the antisemitic Soros conspiracy pool, accusing his African-American opponent, Andrew Gillum, of looking to "seed[] into our state government, you know, Soros-backed activists." DeSantis, a Republican, prevailed over Gillum by about a single point in what had been thought to be a blue-leaning race.

Two more Democratic members of Tablet's list -- Leslie Cockburn and Ilhan Omar -- fit in this category, albeit for comments that are several years or (in Cockburn's case) decades old.

Cockburn wrote a book in the early 90s that was basically a "Israel is responsible for all awful things" screed; she lost her VA-05 race to Republican Denver "bigfoot erotica" Riggelman, because America is awesome and that was really a choice. The margin was 53-47 in a race that was viewed as a decent, if not top-of-the-class, Democratic pickup opportunity.

Omar, running in Minnesota's 5th district, has come under fire for a tweet where she accused Israel of "hypnotizing" the world to prevent it from seeing its "evil". While she has seemingly moderated her views on Israel, she pointedly declined to walk back this comment or recognize how it seems to traffic in antisemitic tropes (in contrast to her 5th district predecessor, Keith Ellison, who pointedly disassociated himself from prior Farrakhan affiliations). Omar won her race by a crushing 78-21 margin.

Finally, it's worth looking at some local races where Republicans (albeit not always the Republican candidate) ran antisemitic ads.

In Alaska, a GOP mailer which showed stacks of cash being stuffed into Democrat Jesse Kiehl's suit didn't seem to work, Kiehl defeated right-leaning independent Don Etheridge 60-37. (Etheridge he disavowed the Republican ad).

In California, Republican Tyler Diep painted his Jewish opponent Josh Lowenthal green, enlarged his nose, and showed him clutching $100 bills; Diep prevailed in his California Assembly race, 54-46. 

Pennsylvania State Rep. Todd Stephens (R) made sure to drop the "Johnson" from the name of Democratic opponent Sara Johnson Rothman when he photoshopped her holding a stack of cash, instead going with "Stop Sara Rothman". Stephens won re-election by a narrow 51-49 margin.

In North Carolina, Republican Rickey Padgett tried to unseat State Senator Mike Woodard (D) by, among other things, posting a picture with Chuck Schumer dressed in a Nazi SS uniform. Woodward prevailed by a 62-36 spread.

Finally, in Connecticut, Democrat Matt Lesser gained national attention when his Republican opponent Ed Charamut sent out a mailer depicting Lesser with wild eyes, a huge nose, and a wad of cash. Lesser prevailed in a tight race, winning 52-48.

What are the takeaways here? Well, for starters, the most virulent and explicit antisemites generally lost. That's good, though given that those candidates generally ran in ideologically lopsided districts it's easy to overdraw from that. The Steve King victory shows that where the partisan lean works in the antisemite's favor, partisan allegiance generally trumps (seriously, does anyone have confidence that if Arthur Jones ran in Steve King's district as the Republican candidate, he would lose?). And if that holds true for to a blatant bigot like King, it certainly applies to more mild or sporadic offenders, like Davis and Omar.

The more interesting -- and troublesome -- story is how less overt but still clear antisemitism played out in more closely contested races. Those who assume that America just doesn't tolerate antisemitism are in for a surprise. Hagedorn's antisemitic past (and present) didn't seem to dent his chances in Minnesota's toss-up first district, for example. This isn't to say that antisemites were universally winning -- more that antisemitism, even when expressed, generally isn't a losing issue either even in the sort of closely contested districts where you might expect candidates to tread more carefully.

Moreover, there's a partisan lean to this that cannot be ignored. Certainly, there are incidents of antisemitism in both Democratic and Republican politics. And because American Jews (and Jewish politicians) are so overwhelmingly liberal, there are far more progressive "targets" for antisemitism than there are conservatives. Still, between Soros conspiracy theorizing and "Jews clutching money" ads, there seemed to be a noticeable step-up in GOP appeals to this sort of antisemitic sentiment that doesn't have a clear parallel among Democrats right now. 

And Republican strategists must have come to a conclusion that these ads work. Yes, maybe they turn off some Jewish or more liberal-leaning voters. But Republican campaign operatives must think they make up for it by revving up the conservative base (or even independents -- for a variety of reasons I strongly suspect that right-leaning independents might be even more susceptible to this sort of appeal). 

There was certainly no systematic punishing effect for Republicans going to this well -- and so we can expect they'll keep doing it. And that is a worrisome conclusion.

via The Debate Link https://ift.tt/2zyyHER

[squirrel-moose-winchester]

The Rumors That Made Her

Title: The Rumors That Made Her

Pairing: Dean x Reader AU

Word Count: 4041

Summary: High School Senior, Dean Winchester, tries to get the girl, but according to rumors, she’s “broken.” When he tries to form a relationship with her, he finds things about her that no one else does.

Warnings: Angst, Mentions of Sexual Assault, Under Aged Drinking, Mention of Death, High School Bullshit, Slight Language (nothing major), Mention of PTSD, Some Fluff.

A/N: This is my entry for Manda’s (@pinknerdpanda) 1k Challenge! Congratulations of the milestone, love! You are a crazy talented writer, not to mention, incredibly adorable! My prompt for this challenge was the 90’s Alternative Rock song, Push by Matchbox 20. I love this song so much. This fic is based on MY interpretation of the song FOR this specific fic. Lyrics used in the story will be italicized. This fic is all in Dean’s POV. Hope you enjoy it!

Disclaimer: Gif not mine. Found on Google.

There she is, sitting alone as usual. I could never understand how she was always alone. She’s beautiful, funny, and she has this smile she rarely shows that literally takes my breath away. She was perfect. I should totally talk to her. This is going to the day that I finally approach her and, if I’m lucky, possibly be friends with her, and see that smile again.

Standing up from my chair, I was about to make my way over when Gordon stopped me. “No man, she’s not one of us. That’s not how things work.”

“What are you talking about?” I asked.

“Dean, you’re popular, the quarterback on the football team, and she’s an outsider, a loser. You hang out with her and you’ll lose everything. I mean you already got that freak over there hanging out with us,” he pointed towards Garth who casted his eyes down in guilt.

“That’s ridiculous, why would it matter who I want to hang out with? Garth is good guy,” I told him.

“Yeah, whatever. Remember Benny Laffite a few years ago? He was a senior when we were freshmen? He was the big star quarterback and then he went and dated that freaky goth chick who believed that vampires were real and he lost everything.”

“Yeah, I remember Benny and I don’t remember that happening. What I do remember is that he got his girl and had never been happier.”

“Yeah, well he could have been a star! Playing for the NFL and winning Super Bowls, but no. He’s stuck in this god forsaken town raising two kids alone.”

That was it. Gordon was a grade-A douche bag and I couldn’t hold back anymore. Without thinking, I swung my arm back and came charging forward, my fist making contact with his face. All eyes were now on us as some of our friends shot out of their seats trying to calm us down.

“Dean, calm down,” Cass stepped in front of me, two others from the football team helping Gordon off the floor.

“What’s your problem, Winchester?!” Gordon shouted, his face twisted with anger and confusion.

“His wife died from Cancer you dick!” I spat. Gordon had no right to judge Benny like that. Hell, I didn’t really know the guy, but I knew enough, and he was a good man. Respectful, humble, and a hardworking single father. I see him working at Harvelle’s almost everyday, pulling double shifts, even the graveyard shifts to support his daughters, hell, he even gave Sam some lunch money after a group of bullies stole his.

My eyes shifted around the room, glancing at the audience we’ve accumulated, when I caught a glimpse of her. Y/N was staring at us, watching me humiliate myself. Our eyes met and I noticed her flinch before scurrying off. Why did she always do that? She used to be so carefree, friendly, and was always surrounded by people.

“She’s broken,” I heard Gordon say, returning my attention back to my so called friend.

“What are you talking about, broken?” I questioned, genuinely thrown to what he meant.

“She’s a whore, Dean-o. She’s gone out with a lot of college dudes, man, and dumped every time. College dudes,” he reiterated, adding emphasis on the last two words he spoke. “She’s not interested in guys like us, she –”

Before he could say another word, I interrupted. “No, not us. She’s not interested in guys like you.”

Completely done associating with Gordon for the day, I made my way around Cass, grabbed my backpack and walked out, having lost my appetite. I ignored Cass and the other’s calling my name, sending Sammy, who was now a freshman, a small smile before leaving the lunch room. Just as I walked through the cafeteria entrance, I jumped a little not expecting anyone to be standing outside, leaning against the wall, but there she was.

“Y/N.” She looked up at me with tears welling in her eyes. “Hey, are you okay?” I walked up to her and asked.

“Who was he talking about?” She questioned.

“Gordon? He was just talking about Benny Laffit-”

“No. Not about him… the girl.” My heart began to race. She heard us talking. “He was looking at me. Was he talking about me? Calling me a whore and saying that I’m broken?” Her voice cracked.

“Hey, hey. Don’t listen to him. I know that you’re not like that,” I tried to assure her.

“That’s not what you think but that’s what everyone else does. It’s rumors like that that keeps people away from me,” she confessed. “I used to have friends until my ex-boyfriend, who was a freshman in college, just a few years older than us, dumped me. He spread a rumor that I was a slut who banged all his friends. When everything hit the roof, the rumors became bent and twisted and suddenly, I’m known as the school whore and all my friends ditched me. And you know what’s worse? None of it is true! You want to know the real truth?” She shouted. My eyes widened at her outburst. She sighed when she realized she was getting a little riled up. “You know what? It doesn’t matter. Its people like Gordon that keeps spreading and reminding people of those lies!”

I was at a lost for words. I had never known her story before and now here she was, confessing things, speaking more than I have ever heard her say to me or anyone in a long time. I had no idea that any of that happened to her. Sure, I’ve heard the rumors, but that’s all they were to me. Rumors.

“I didn’t know, I’m sorry,” I apologized, not really knowing what for. Was I saying sorry for Gordon and his douche-ness, or was I apologizing for what that jerk did to her, or maybe both?

“Save it. I don’t know why I felt like I needed to justify myself to you. See you around, Dean.”

As she turned to leave, walking down the hall, I was about to run after her when Cass appeared, along with Chuck, Gabe, and Garth.

“You okay Dean?” Chuck questioned.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

It was finally the last period of the day, which happened to be my favorite class even if it was my worst subject… art class. I sucked at art, but the reason why it was my favorite was because Y/N was in my class. She sat right beside me, always doodling and scribbling things down in her notebook.

When I walked in, I noticed that she wasn’t in class. I was pretty sure she was always the first one in, but today she wasn’t there. I just stood in the middle of the classroom lost in my thoughts wondering where she could be.

“Mr. Winchester, care to join us?” Mr. Colt questioned.

“Um, actually, I’m not feeling well, I’m going to check in with the school nurse.” I could tell that Mr. Colt was going to say something but I was gone before he could.

I searched through the halls thinking of places she could be, until I saw her with the corner of my eyes, walking through the school doors.

“Hey! Y/N, wait up!” I called out once I made it outside. She quickly whipped around, eyes widening when she saw me.

“What are you doing here?” She asked.

“Same as you,” I replied.

“I’m not feeling well, so I’m heading home.”

“Yeah, me either, it must have been the school lunch. Want me to give you a lift?”

“What do you want Dean?” Her question caught me off guard.

“N-Nothing,” I stammered.

“Yeah, then why are you here right now, offering me a ride home?” She crossed her arms, eyes boring into mine as if she was looking into my soul.

“Uh…”

“Goodbye Dean.”

“It’s because I like you alright!” I blurted. The words just slipped out.

Her body tensed as she slowly turned in my directions for the second time. Her expression was a mix of shock and disbelief.

“D-Dean, you heard Gordon, I’m broken. I’m a whore! So why don’t you just leave me alone and maybe I can get back to being invisible.”

“That’s not true.”

“The world will think what it wants to think, Dean.”

“Well, that’s not what I think. I think that you need someone to believe in you. You need someone who knows the truth about you and I want to be that person. So let me bring you home and if it’s alright with you, I’d really like to know what really happened.”

I could see it in her eyes, she was surprised at my forwardness, hell, I was surprised at myself. I was never one to be good with words, hence the D minus I was getting in English class, but here I was, shamelessly telling the girl I’ve got a crush on that I wanted to get to know her, the real her.

The silence was starting to become a little awkward, but thankfully she broke it. “What do you mean that you’d like to know what really happened?”’

“During lunch, you asked if I wanted to know the real truth, and well, yeah, I do. I really do,” I admitted, my stare holding hers. I wasn’t going to back down.

“Fine,” she sighed, but I could tell she was hesitant about all of this.

Hopping into my impala, I texted Cass telling him I was leaving early, before bringing Baby to life and heading over to her place. The whole drive to her house was spent in silence. She didn’t say a word and I was shitting bricks trying to come up with a conversation starter but I was so nervous. Usually, I was pretty smooth with the ladies, but with her, I felt like no matter what I did, she could see right through me.

I parked in front of her house, turning off the ignition. She didn’t leave, instead she sat in the car staring straight ahead. What was I supposed to say? What was I supposed to do? C’mon Dean, think you lug head!

“Could we just drive around some more?” Her voice was soft, hesitant, scared.

“Uh, yeah. Whatever you want,” I told her, starting up the car.

We drove for a while until a thought popped into my head. I cursed inwardly at myself for not thinking of it sooner.

Driving for a couple of hours we finally made it into Lebanon. My grandfather, Henry Winchester, a former Navy Seal, suffered from PTSD and, out of paranoia, built a bunker in an old abandoned power plant. He specifically called it the Men of Letters, apparently that was the name of his brigade.

“Where are we?” Y/N inquired, scanning the area through the window.

“I come here once in a while to think. It’s a safe house that my grandfather built before he passed away.”

“Why did he build it?” She twisted her head so that our eyes met.

I explained the story of my grandfather and she seemed to be genuinely fascinated and later eager to see inside. I couldn’t help but smile, it was rare to see her so lively and enthusiastic. I had only seen it a handful of times when we’d be paired up for an art project. She loved to draw, paint, ceramics, do anything creative with her hands.

Hey hype had faded quickly, now uncertain about entering due to it’s darkness, however I guaranteed her that we would be okay and that this was a safe place. When she stepped in, I along with her, I flipped the light switch and the bunker came into view. I chuckled when she gasped.

“This is amazing,” she breathed, descending the staircase.

After a quick tour and a brief history of the place, we settled in the library to, hopefully, finally talk, however she remained silent again.

“You can trust me,” I assured. She nodded before taking a deep breath to calm herself down.

“I know.” Pause. “It all happened last year, when Arthur went to the University of Kansas, on a full ride football scholarship.”

“Wait, Arthur as in Arthur Ketch?” I questioned. The guy was a total tool. He gave me hell for 2 years for being the only freshman to join the Varsity football team.

“Unfortunately. Anyways, he had brought me to one of his frat house parties and halfway through the night, I got drunk, not wanting to seem like a loser in front of his friends, then found him sucking face with another girl. When I approached him, he dumped me, and…” she fell silent, unsure if she could trust me, or unsure if she was ready to let the truth out.

“You can trust me.” Her deep colored eyes met mine, fear, sadness, pain, and all sorts of emotions stirring inside of them. “What is it?”

“And his friends, they…”

Rage started to bubble in me. I wasn’t certain what was about to come out of her mouth next but I could only assume based on what she had said so far. Young, vulnerable, intoxicated, surrounded by drunk college guys… “Did they touch you?” My question came out as a growl, her body wincing at the sound, but when she didn’t give an answer, that was enough for me to understand that those bastards deserved to rot in hell.

After that day, regardless of all the noise going around the school, I continued to stick around Y/N, and eventually she started to grow somewhat comfortable around my real friends, but it was easy to tell that she was holding back, like she knew she could trust them but at the same time, she wouldn’t let herself.

One night I was at home, hanging out with my brother and my friends up in my bedroom. We were goofing around playing video games and other guy stuff. I had originally wanted to go to the bunker with Y/N again, but she had told me that she was busy with family stuff.

The guys and I were having a good time, when my phone beeped, announcing that I had gotten a text message. I flipped my phone open to see who it was and immediately groaned when I saw the name. Gordon. What could he possibly want from me?

Gordon: Hey, I see your girl here at Bela Talbot’s party. I think she’s about to live up to her reputation!

I snapped my phone shut, unwilling to believe him. Y/N was with her family, she told me herself, and what the hell would she be doing at Bela Talbot’s house? She was 4 years older than us! Not only that, what the hell was Gordon doing at a college party?

My phone beeped again, Gordon’s name on the screen once again. Curious to what he had to say, I clicked on the text only to see a picture of Y/N dancing with some random guy who had his filthy hands on her.

Without a word, I stormed out of my room, the guys calling after me confused. They all followed, hopping into the car. Sam jumped in the middle of the front seat while Cass took up the passenger seat and the other guys filling the back.

Pulling up to Bela’s house, the party was in full swing. “I need someone to stay in the car and watch Sammy.”

“Yeah, I’ll stay,” Garth offered with no hesitation. He hated parties like this so it wasn’t a surprise when he opted to stay behind.

I walked into the party with purpose, Cass, Chuck, and Gabe behind me.

“Dean, guys, glad you could make it! There’s your girl,” Gordon snickered, pointing a finger with the hand that held a red cup, clearly filled with alcohol.

My eyes instantly landed on her. She was grinding up against some random douche with a drink in her hand. What the hell was she doing coming to a place like this? I was not expecting this, nor were the guys, who shared uneasy looks.

“Y/N!” I shouted over the blaring music, gaining her attention. She sent me a lazy grin, obviously affected by the alcohol she must had consumed.

“What are you doing here?” She slurred, stumbling away from the guy she was dancing with and over to me. Her hands played with the opening of my flannel a little before she started swaying her hips to the song playing.

“I could be asking you the same question,” I retorted, holding her forearms to keep her still.

“I’m taking my mind off things,” she giggled, taking a sip of her alcoholic beverage, but I yanked the cup away before she could. “Hey, what’s the big idea!” She snapped, glaring at me.

“You said you had family stuff to take care of.”

“And I took care of it! Things just got way out of control and I needed to clear my head. What’s it to you anyways? You’re not my boyfriend!” She snapped, hitting the cup from my hand, it’s contents splashing on me and other’s around. “Go home, Dean.”

“No.”

She rolled her eyes and walked away but I wasn’t about to give up so easily, so I followed her. It was obvious that she was trying to lose me but it wasn’t happening.

“Dean, seriously. Back off. Don’t you remember? I’m a slut,” she giggled, although her smile portrayed hopelessness, as if she had given up.

“No, you’re not.”

“But I am, watch me.” A random guy passed by when she pulled him by the arm, snaking her arms around his neck and pulling him to her level, pressing her lips against his. The guy was shocked, but it didn’t take him long until he had his hands all over her, kissing her back with just as much heat.

She knew how to press my buttons. She knew how to mess with my head and in a moment of rage, I let the words fall passed my lips. “You know what, if this is who you want to be, then suit yourself. I’m leaving,” I stumbled back, unable to believe she would do something like that. In school she was intelligent, quiet, and to herself, here and now, she was like every other party girl in school.

As I turned my back towards her, she shouted over the music. “I’m not good enough, Dean. They always leave!”

Her words hit me like a ton of bricks, bringing me back to right mind. She told me her story, she told me the truth, and the more I got to know her, I began to realize that she wasn’t broken, she was just hurt. So hurt that she didn’t know if she could trust anyone again. Ketch was her first love, her first serious relationship, her first everything… could I blame her for thinking she was broken? To blame her for feeling betrayed, hurt?, and for acting out? No, I couldn’t.

“That’s it, I’m taking you home,” I said to her, before rushing over and throwing her over my shoulder. She screamed and kicked, her fists making contact with my back as she wiggled in protest, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to leave her here to get drunk and who knows what else might happen.

“Put me down, I don’t want to leave!” She yelled, causing a scene.

“No, I’m taking you home.” People were laughing, cheering, while others gave me sympathetic grins, nodding with assurance that I was doing the right thing, and I was. I was taking care of her ass.

Leaving the house, I saw Cass and the others already waiting outside by the impala. When we reached them, I set her down, steadying her on her feet when she stumbled a bit. “Hey guys, are we having our own party?” She smiled, giving everyone a high-five, even Sammy, who happily returned it. I sent him a glare making him retreat further back into the car.

Most of the car ride back home was quite after Y/N quickly fell asleep, her head resting on my shoulder. I dropped the guys off one by one until we got back to our place, after she stubbornly refused to go to hers. Sammy rushed to the door, opening it as I carried Y/N bridal style into the house and into my bedroom. Our parents were still out at my mother’s company party, so an explanation would have to wait till morning.

Gently setting her on my bed, she stirred awake. “Where am I?” She asked, her eyes heavy as she glanced up at me before scanning her surroundings.

“My place.”

“Mmm, you really like classic rock and cowboys,” she hummed with an ephemeral smile, curling herself on my bed, her face buried deep in one of my pillows. I sighed, not knowing what to do. Dealing with her was exhausting, but I know she has her reasons. I just don’t understand why she has to constantly push me away. I like the girl so much that I feel like I’m going crazy, but I know that I can’t rush this. It was going to take time to get her to trust people, let people in, let me in.

I was about to leave the room when she called out for me, the sound of my name on her tongue tickling the butterflies in my stomach. Her voice was soft, weak, and the tiredness prevalent. Turning around, I walked back over to my bed, taking a seat at the edge next to her. She was embarrassed, that was easy to tell. “I’m sorry,” she mumbled, her eyes watching her hands as she fiddled with the edge of my blanket. “It’s just…” she stopped herself, unsure about what she was going to say.

“Hey, you can trust me. You can tell me anything.” I shifted so that I was facing more towards her.

She sighed, cautiously shuffling herself into an upright position, her back leaning against the headboard. “It’s just… I do like you. It’s just, I’m a little bit rusty, and I think my head is caving in, and I don’t know if I’ve ever been really loved by a hand that’s touched me, and I feel like something’s gonna give, and I’m a little but angry,” She confessed. “So I’m sorry for pushing you and taking you for granted.”

“Hey, I get it.”

“And I’m sorry for lying to you. I just kinda fell apart, things get so crazy. I understand if you could never trust me again, and if you don’t want to stay with me, I mean I’ve got this reputation and now I guess you can say that my face, it’s a little bit dirty.”

“You’re not broken or dirty, you’ve just been hurt. We can take this slow, there’s no need to rush, and I’m not the type to stand around either, I’m gonna tell you every day how perfect you are. No matter how much you push me away, I’m not going anywhere. I’m here for you, you just have to give me a chance.”

Once again, like every other time, when silence took over, everything became louder. The beating of my heart, my breathing, I could hear all of it pounding in my ears, trying to think of something to say or waiting for her to break the air.

“Okay, I will.”

After everything was laid out on the table, we just stared at each other. She was so close that I could see my reflection in her eyes. My vision fell to her lips as she licked them, my breath hitching in my throat. How I wanted to relieve my imagination and find out for myself just how soft her lips were. My eyes fluttered back to hers only to see that they were casted downwards to my own mouth, and suddenly, our lips connected.

She could push me all she wanted but I wasn’t going anywhere if it meant this kiss, her touch, her everything would be mine. I was going to be there for her every step of the way while her scars healed, with me as her glue.

Tell Me What You Thought! :)

Forever Tags: @amanda-teaches @waywardbaby @dont-you-dare-say-misha @babypieandwhiskey @my-thoughts-on-display3 @atc74 @alwayskeepfightingkaz-2y5 @herbologystudent252 @mogaruke @mrsdeanfuckingwinchester @whimsicalrobots @grace-for-sale @dragonchica @carryonmywaywardcaptain @waywardlodging @esoltis280 @winchesterslibrary @winchestergirl607 @waywardnerd67 @emoryhemsworth @caitthejourno

Dean/Jensen Tags: @akshi8278 @so-get--this @natasha-baggins

[istilldrowninyourlove]

friend

i haven’t written here in 5 years. so much, so much has changed since the last time i thought of writing a diary entry. this has always been a safe space for me to write out my thoughts, and i’m not sure why i forgot this existed for the last 5 years. i’m not sure why i’ve forgotten about this little corner of the world, but i hope i don’t forget. i remember now how lovely it is to see your words in front of you, to say them in your head and put them down on paper, so to speak. i remember now how much it means to see my thoughts articulated. something about it makes my feelings concrete, instead of fleeting and abstract in my head. anyway, here we go with the whole point of coming back to write here...

in middle school, 7th grade if i remember right, i met olivia. we had the same basic ed teacher, maybe, or were in the same science class. time has really blurred the early years of our friendship - that was about 15 years ago already. we bonded over the normal things a 12 year old bonds over: being similarly weird, liking the same music and colors, appreciating the attractiveness of the same kinds of boys and people. we stuck to each other like glue, even when were making lots of different friends that didn’t always mesh with both of us. into high school, we had different groups of friends but still saw each other frequently, wrote notes to each other, visited each other’s lockers, chose to take the same classes. she joined asb with me, we had the same friend group, our lives overlapped in about 90% of our surface area. i helped her through her first relationship, with my first crush ever, and she helped me through my slutty days. we were tight as hell.

olivia went to school at ucla, i went to uc irvine, she lived a very different college life than i did. i visited once or twice, we saw each other back home. we started our night drives and driveway talks up again. we spoke on the phone. we shared music. we grew up together, even though we were apart.

olivia moved back home to san diego and we spent a year of our adult lives living in the same city. when that happened, i didn’t know if we were going to regain that kind of confidence and comfort we had when we were kids. turns out, we made it, and our core beings - namely, the deep inner workings of our souls - had remained largely intact since we were 12. we still liked boys, music, and each other. and we still held each other in high esteem. we still wanted the best things for each other, and we still knew the deepest meanings of the other’s heart.

when i thought of picking a maid of honor, i bounced around thoughts of “i wish i had a sister so i don’t have to admit to myself that i don’t have a true best friend” and “what if i don’t have a maid of honor and i just have a couple bridesmaids who share the duties”. when richard picked uly, as he always knew he would, i also thought of my longest tenured friend. it just so happened that my oldest friend was also one of the people who i truly love on this planet, and who i have never ever stopped loving.

i can’t believe how lucky i am to have olivia in my life. a true ride or die, best friend for life. someone who will always genuinely think the world of me, and also never worry about hurting me with the truth. someone who will always be real, and be on my side. someone who has been my partner in crime in so many ways before i met my life partner. someone who would be there, even if i lose my chosen partner.

friendships like this require a lot of reflection and gratitude. i owe it to myself and olivia to think this out and write it down. i’m lucky to have her, i will never be ungrateful for her, and she will be by my side at my wedding as my maid of honor. just like she was when i had my first heartbreak, just like she was when i lost the high school election, just like she was when we moved away for college and both came back home. she will be by my side forever, on my side forever, and forever looking out for me. i need to always remember this, even when i tell myself or let myself believe that i don’t have someone like that. because i do. and i know i always will.

[mentalvapors]

Kevin Doesn't Live Here Anymore

Back at it again. Geez, when I started my tumblr (back in 2014 I think) I had the intention to update it regularly, every week maybe. But I lost track of it, like already one week after I started it. I feel bad for not updating it. One of my biggest regrets in life is probably that I never had a diary, because my memory just keeps getting worse and worse at the moment, and when I talk to people they are able recall so many thing from their past and I don't even know how to do simple math I learned in 4th grade. I cannot remember a single event from 4th grade or elementary school in general.

Okay this is just me thinking things right now, but I also feel like the reason why I never had a diary or never bothered to write blog entries is because I'm not a creative writer. And I'm not smart and I have no skills whatsoever and it's even worse when I write English sentences. And some people actually have personality and talent to make the most trivial things sound interesting. And I just feel like a brain dead person slamming my phalanges furiously on a keyboard. But should I feel bad about it? Pretty much everyone shares their opinions on thoughts about everything on the internet nowadays. I should not care about how bland I sound to other people.

I really wanted to gather some thoughts why university didn't work out for me. I feel like I never … I tried to think about the reason why I failed, but most of the time I was in sad mode and blamed myself for everything, which always ended in a result that was not authentic to the truth and therefor not downright acceptable. And so I  never came to a real conclusion. I will try to think about it now, because I don't feel too depressed, so it should be fine, right? Right?

So first of all, going to university was mistake to begin with. It could have worked out, but the circumstances at that time were not optimal. In fact they were terrible. So it was kind of foolish to think I could pull that off, but there was also nobody who convinced me I couldn't.

A huge factor that made it hard for me to survive university was that every semester I felt some kind of anxiety because I didn’t know what was going to happen. Grades, classes, other students and just choosing things was very overwhelming. Very, very overwhelming. On some days I was just crying like the whole day, because I didn’t know what actually happens when I’m done with university. How to move on? I’ve always been a directionless wanderer, who didn’t know what he wanted to do in life. I just started university and it already felt pointless, like it would go nowhere and nevertheless I was moving on. One year passed, two years, three... and nothing changed. I collected a lot of credits (oh well... not enough for my creditors though) and still I couldn't figure out “why am I doing this?”.

My major was area studies and I wasn’t really enjoying it. I just felt lost and once again overwhelmed. This whole course of studies was missing a clear structure. Which was also the point of it: “Just go ahead and choose the things you have the most interest in”, like that kind of decree completely works against my own nature. I desperately need someone to tell me what to do. So helplessly I chose the most nonsense courses I could find. I signed up for Japanese class and it was so hard. The first semester examination I got only a fourteen, oops. I literally struggled so bad and nearly getting nothing accomplished the whole year and that’s why I ended up dropping that course and felt really bad. But I wanted to try it again, so I took the next semester very very light with only two classes, so of course that extended my university existence by some time. So many frustrating things happened during that time and to my minor, which was agricultural sciences. The readings ended up being not what I was looking for and the schedule really worked against my major.

Also some of the professors were really strict and set up their individual rules. For instance the Japanese teacher was incredibly strict. You could not miss her lessons and you could not be late. And at this time I really struggled with depression and I was crying and begging this woman I was like „I love this class, I’m trying so hard, please give me another chance next year“ and she said that it was OK and that I can be part of the class again, but a year later she was like „I changed my mind, get out“ and that was the point, where I started to give up and stopped trying, like, at all. But sometimes I would get a professor that I like and I would only have them for one semester, a lot of times I tried to take multiple classes with that person if the subject fulfilled credits for the same requirement, even though the class would not help to get a clear structure in my major. Like I took a lot of Mongolian classes. How would that help me with my Japanese Major? I don't know.

In addition I didn’t have an easy time making friends there. That’s another thing that can kinda be frustrating about university life to me. You see a lot of people who take one or two classes that you take as well and you kinda never see the same people. You develop relationships with people that are in the same class but after the semester; they’re gone. That was a big hurdle for me to jump through. I did not get used to it and I didn’t kinda like how everything felt so temporary.

None of the people I had contact with in my Japanese course did graduate by the way. All of them are still stuck somewhere. Some of them still have to pass Japanese class I (out of IV) and it has been four years since we signed up for it. Ideally you should be done with the whole thing in three years. So probably even if I managed to finish all of my major and minor courses, I would not be done with Japanese class yet, cause it's so damn hard and my creditor would get mad at me and I had cancel university either way.

So I was clueless and not doing very well and the worst part was probably that there is a lot of pressure in society (and creditors, student loan companies etc.) where they tell you „Okay you have to graduate from university in three years. Do it right. Know exactly what you want!“ and for a lot of people, including myself, this is not a realistic goal. It’s just not easy. I think it’s realistic if you fail something. I think perfection and expectation of perfection in society is really bizarre. The other thing I realized during this time was, unlike you’re going to be a doctor or a lawyer or in that sort of profession, you get a university degree and that’s awesome but how much practically do you use that degree? I wish I would have chosen something like business studies, because I think … just having more of an understanding of topics like that, would have been helpful throughout my life, especially more than the area studies.

So these are some aspects that turned university into my personal nightmare, but the truth or a big part of it is, that university just felt inconvenient. I'm a lazy piece of shit; I never felt the need to study for any exam, but spoiler: in university you won't survive without it. You need to know how to study. Studying is actually a skill, I didn't know that, now I learned the hard way.

So all I have for now is my shattered university past, a scary student loan debt mountain haunting me every night and also no job. Unemployed for over a year now. I don't know if this will ever change. The worst part of it is I feel like I'm not doing enough to get out of this misery. In fact I do nothing. I want to change but like 90% of my time I have no faith and feel hopeless and that nothing will ever work out for me.

I need to get a whole load of things off my chest first in order to move one. Also I need to find the English setting for my good friend OpenOffice because right now everything is red underlined and it's low key driving me crazy. (…) All right, I found it. Also I'm not gonna grammar correct or spellcheck anything. It's just lines I write down to remind myself of a few things and I have to get this all out before I forget it. So screw editing it!

The last few days I started to do shit I usually hate doing. It's not like I'm a messy person, but cleaning my room felt suddenly more important than ever before. I also stitched up my curtains, even though I was okay with them being way too long for years. And I built two shelves, because we had a few old planks in our yard and my walls were so empty, they felt like prison cell walls to me, so I thought “yes of course SHELVES”. They look fantastic and I'm proud of myself because I made something useful, but they remind my that I spend my time not the way I'm supposed to. They make me feel bad every time I look at them and I look at them a lot, cause they're hanging on my wall.

Yesterday I set up autumn decorations even though it is kinda too early. I also already did some of the Halloween decorations. I always get into a spooky mood, as soon as the weather gets colder, because it feels like authentically fall. I have to wear sweaters or long sleeves because I'm so cold all the time.

Also I found a keyboard in the room of the guy that lived with us, but who is dead now and I remembered how I have always wanted to learn to play piano. But I don't know if I would be very good at it. I feel like the older I get the less focus I have with things. And I also feel just like I don't ever really sit down and like do anything.

Anyway, the dead guy's name was Lutz and he died in April because of cancer. He and my mom shared the rent for the house we live in, so fifty percent of the rent fee is missing since he died. Our landlord is really mad, because he wants the money from us now and we do not have it and Lutz's family doesn't want to pay off his debts either. It's a pretty dire situation and my mom's lawyer sucks and gradually makes our dilemma worse and worse and she doesn't realize it. I don't know what comes next, my mom never talks about these things and a part of me also doesn't want to know. I'm dealing with a lot of things myself and I wish I could close my eyes and vanish from the surface of this planet forever. Just like the Avatar did. The cool one, not that James Cameron Pocahontas plagiarism. But I'm afraid this is not how it works. Suicide would be an option. But I'm just too much of a coward.

To give up or to not give up on life. Fighting the desire to just lie down and die gets harder each day. It already has been hard for a long time now. I know people get homeless. Maybe I am in that exact position right now. I never thought about it. But maybe there is a high chance that it'll happen to me next, unless I do something, even if it already might be too late. I know I can't change the mind of my mom, she will stay here, in this building, until she gets thrown out under legal authority. And I knew about this since a long time and I definitely already could have done something about it as well, like trying harder to find a new place and job, but … depression … and I chose not to. That's just the reality situation.

But I really need to get on with looking for a job now (the hardest thing though is to overcome my “little” procrastination thing whenever I'm about to do it). Two years of therapy gave me enough time to reflect and figure out what I possibly could do and maybe I really can do two or three things, besides lying in bed all day. The biggest issue right now is my low self-esteem. If you never had a real job in your whole life, you will obviously have a hard time to believe in your own abilities. This is what I got criticized for when I worked as Concierge last summer “Sorry, you're too insecure about your actions” and at job interviews I get told “You don't really convince me that you want this job”. And yeah how can I convince anyone I'm able to do something I never did before without straight up lying to their face? I guess if I want to apply for job, I need to put on a mask made of confidence and lies.

My psychiatrist once told me, that my only chance to get a job is social connections (his social connections). I already talked about how I became “friends” with my therapist some time ago. His intentions didn't feel honest to me and everyone else saw this, like, big red flag and yelled at me, to give up on this attachment, but I am weak and I don't have anyone else I can talk to. I gave him another chance and he invited me and said that we should travel to Thailand together. And I was against it, honestly, like from the beginning. But you know, he is a manipulative piece of shit and I really wanted to see Thailand, because I probably wouldn't get another chance like this, in my whole life. So I thought: how horrible can it be to fly to Thailand for two weeks, with your psychiatrist? Turns out it can be pretty horrible. He was watching me all the time, he was watching what I was eating, when I was messaging on Whatsapp. I never had two minutes for myself, he even came into the bathroom while I was changing, he was telling me what to do, when to cross the street, he dictated absolutely everything. So on day three I called him out and he said “Okay then let's fly back home” and of course I know he wanted me to beg him to stay here and that I would do better and follow his orders, cause he pays for everything. But I said “Fine, let's fly back home” and we walked to the travel agency in Thailand and the lady at the counter said a ticket back home today would be around 8,000$ each. He told the lady that we need to talk and would come back in an hour, if we still consider to book the tickets, but I didn't want to take anymore of his crap. So he had to book the tickets and I didn't talk to him the whole 24 hours we needed to get back to Germany, he tried to discuss this situation the whole time, even tried to convince me to travel with him again; this time to the Netherlands for the weekend because “It'll work out better than Thailand”. There is so much more stuff that happened, but I'm not going to elaborate more, at this point I'm so tired of all of this. I'm just glad I finally wrote it down and decided that this friendship was not good for me. Better late than never.

Oh and the worst part is, I also feel like I didn't make any progress in this two years of therapy. I didn't achieve anything, I just wasted time. I'm so annoyed and mad at myself.

All that stress I had the last few months or maybe years and the frustration and the anger I feel every day, caused my autoimmune disease to flare up again.

Short backstory: I noticed a bald patch in my beard area in 2015 and one year later it spread on my head and it was just awful. I had the worst time back then, my dog died, my relationship went to shit, I lost my job as Concierge, I felt like university was going nowhere and my hair started to fall out and it was not a cute look. I had a plum sized spot on the left side, the right side and on top of my head and two spots that molted into one big spot at the back. I went to a dermatologist, he said it's called Alopecia Areata and he told me to put some ointment on it and I did. But nothing changed. I was really desperate, I had a mental break down, including ugly crying in the shower, shaving my head, mental hospital, the whole program. I had a hard time to accept the “bald truth”.

On Youtube I found a channel, run by a girl named Stella, who made several videos about her struggle with Alopecia Areata (she wasn't the only one btw, but she was the first one who seemed genuine and did not try to sell some fake products. There are so many people on the internet, who use other people’s desperation to make themselves richer, it's crazy). In one of her videos she described how she overcame this disease with the help of the AIP diet and I was so amazed. She had all of her hair back and the solution is a diet? I was crying my eyes out for month and it's that simple? Sign me up I thought as I looked a few things up on the internet and basically AIP diet means just allowed to eat warm water. Doesn't actually matter if it's warm or not. No, but seriously almost every food is forbidden on AIP. No bread, rice, potatoes, eggs, diary, sugar, tomatoes, nuts, alcohol, fruits, nothing. All you can eat is meat and green stuff. I started in November and it was exhausting from the beginning. I felt hungry all the time and was craving for something sweet. It's funny how I can go without sugar right now for days, but when you're not allowed to have it, it's all you want. But I was missing coffee the most.

Anyway, after one month of AIP I recognized some white hair on my left patch, and a week later a few pigmented hairs. On Christmas all of my patches had small pigmented hairs growing in (except my beard, which is only thin white hairs until today) and I'm having the worst grammar right now. It's 1 a.m. Anyway during that time I felt amazing, the bald patches were still recognizable, but I felt relieved that my hair came back and I wouldn't go bald.

By march I had all my hair back and I gave a lot of credit to the diet, but also stopped the diet the same month, because although I got all my hair back, I realized that I could not live with all these restrictions forever. The AIP diet was not designed for people with AA. It was made to figure out what kind of food causes your inflammatory, but it's impossible to tell when you have AA. You can't take a bite of a tomato and be like “Oh yeah I feel it, this makes my hair fall out”. Even though a lot people in these self help groups write things like “Oh. My. Gosh. I was just drinking a cup of milk and suddenly my whole scalp was itchy”. Yeah girl, because you wanted it to be itchy. You are desperate and want to find the cause and you want it to stop. And all of this happens, even if your are not aware of it. And blaming certain kinds of food is easy, but dumb. It worked for me, but just because I thought it does. For 4 months I ate vegetables and meat on max, because Stella said it helped, she had proof and I saw it, so I thought it would help me too.

April was again a really hard time for me. My therapist was playing games, my family stressed me out, Lutz died, still no job, my personal financial crisis. And then one day I felt a smooth spot behind my right ear as I was sitting in a train and I was like “Oh god, please no, god no no no no no...”. . I recognized a tiny spot at the back of my head before, but I was hoping it was nothing, I didn't want it to be true, now with a second patch I realized Alopecia is back to haunt me.But this time I wanted it to be different. I would not let it take control of my actions again. So I made an appointment at a hairdresser and I was surprised he never heard of AA before as I told him what was going on on my head. As he was shaving the back of my head he pointed out that there actually a few more spots than expected. I accepted it. There's nothing I can do about anyway.

I revisited Stella's Youtube channel and she posted a video update. Her Alopecia came back as well, even though she was still following the AIP diet. So there was no doubt left, that the diet had little to do with the regrowth of my hair. Stella's video and her blog was again so inspirational.

The cure for Alopecia is: there is no cure. It's your emotions. It's sadness, it's anger and stress. This is easy and hard to accept at the same time. I'm still not a hundred percent sure if I can accept this as the one truth. At the moment all of the spots are on the backside of my head, which is good. I mean they are there; but at least I can't see them. The one behind my right ear is as big as my ear right now. And it worries me tbh. Last year I documented the progress of the spots and took pictures every week. Because I was so excited to see my hair grow and I wanted to see the proof that it really happens. I don't know if I should do this again. Stella said the best way to deal with this situation is simply “to not give a shit”.

And that might be true. But I know, currently it is impossible for me to reach this peace of mind. Everything's a mess right now and I feel like I can't do life and no matter how less I care about my hair, bald spots will spread nevertheless. I have to change my environment first, before I can move on mentally. And this will be frustrating. Searching for a job, having job interviews with bald spots all over my head, probably getting rejected because of it, getting more bald spots, it will be hell but I guess... it is what it is.

It's hard when you’re in a dark place and when your family sucks, and you're like in that mind set where everything is awful. Just taking that one little step up uphill is the hardest part. Maybe writing all of this down finally is a sign that I wildly succeeded and that I can keep going. Or maybe it was just another reason for me to procrastinate again. Who knows?

Well I wish I could end this post on a high note. It's 3am right now and  there was an episode of “Married... with children” on TV and it was about Kelly being the first female Bundy with a job and she worked at a diner. They made it look like being a waitress is the easiest thing in the world, but Kelly was totally overwhelmed by everything and it was just too real. Too relatable. On her first day as a waitress “Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves” was playing in the background and I will remember this on my first day of work and it'll empower me to try my best, like Kelly Bundy did. You know, be the best Kelly Bundy you can be.

[csrgood]

Tata Consultancy Services and Discovery Education Announce “Ignite Innovation Student Challenge” Winners

Tata Consultancy Services, (TCS), (BSE: 532540, NSE: TCS) a leading global IT services, consulting and business solutions organization, and Discovery Education, the leading provider of standards-aligned digital curriculum resources, engaging content, and professional learning for K-12 classrooms, announced the winners of the TCS Ignite Innovation Student Challenge. Eleven-year-old Ryan H. from The Pegasus School in Huntington Beach, Calif., will receive a $10,000 Grand Prize and virtual mentorship from TCS technology experts. Ryan’s invention, titled Early Wildfire Detection Network enables firefighters to activate an app on their cellphone using a low-cost wireless field module.

“Creativity and curiosity are two of the community values at Pegasus. Ryan embodies both of these traits. We saw this in him at an early age and are thrilled that he has put his knowledge and his values to good use in envisioning such an impactful idea,” said Jen Green, Pegasus Lower School Director.

Pegasus Science Teacher Nadeane Cooper continued, “I am proud of Ryan's passion for science and technology and for his innovative thinking. His success is an example of what Pegasus teachers love to see in students. He took a spark from what he learned in class and grew it into something larger and impactful.”

The TCS Ignite Innovation Student Challenge encouraged students ages 11-14 to use computational thinking to create digital solutions that solve problems and improve the world. Utilizing TCS’ social responsibility pillars of ‘Planet, Health and Education,’ middle school students from across the country, in teams up to four, were invited to craft a digital concept and submit entries by creating a written description or a one to two-minute video.

In addition to the Grand Prize, nine other student winners have been selected to receive prizes.  Winners of the Ignite Innovation Student Challenge Pillar Prizes, for ‘Planet, Health and Education,’ will receive $7,500, and six $1,000 Winner Circle Prizes will be awarded to the remaining students. Submissions were judged based on creativity, content, persuasiveness and overall presentation.

“TCS is dedicated to preparing a new generation of young leaders whose innovations will one day transform society. We are extremely proud of the challenge winners for applying their computational thinking skills to solve some of the most pressing challenges facing our communities,” said Head of Workforce Effectiveness for TCS Balaji Ganapathy. “These students exemplify the pioneering spirit, skillset and mindset essential to thrive in a Business 4.0™ world.”

TCS Ignite Innovation Student Challenge Winners, include:

Ignite Innovation Student Challenge Top ‘Planet, Health and Education’ Pillar Winners:

Award: $7,500 and virtual mentorship from a team of TCS technology experts.

Shraman K., a twelve-year-old from Meyzeek Middle School in Louisville, Ky. has been named the Top Our Planet Pillar Winner for his invention titled Mobile App Foodle. Shraman created a software platform to provide accessible food to homeless people.

Gitanjali R., an eleven-year-old from STEM School Highland Ranch in Highlands Ranch, Colo. has been named the Top Health Pillar Winner for the invention titled Early Diagnosis of Opioid Addiction. Gitanjali created a kit that would arm physicians with an easy diagnostic tool to identify patients who are on the verge of addiction.

Alexandria C., a thirteen-year-old from Charles P. Murray Middle School in Wilmington, N.C., has been named the Top Education Pillar Winner for her invention titled Sign Buddy. Alexandria created a cube that translates sign language into spoken English and also translates spoken English into ASL and ESL.

“Discovery Education is proud to join forces with TCS to help students and educators revolutionize their learning experiences and prepare them with the tools needed to reimagine learning in classrooms,” said Senior Vice President and Chief Marketing Officer at Discovery Education Lori McFarling. “Together, we are strengthening computational thinking skills and challenging students to think of STEM as a way to help education, health and our environment. We extend our congratulations to the 2019 ‘Ignite Innovation Student Challenge’ winners.”

Ignite Innovation Student Challenge Winner’s Circle:

Award: $1,000 in grants and prizes.

Maura B., a twelve-year old from Plainfield Community Middle School in Plainfield, Ind. has been named a Winner’s Circle Awardee for her project titled Mission Recycle. Maura created an app that encourages recycling by rewarding people with earn gift cards or donations to non-profit organizations.

Liam B., a thirteen-year-old from Emil A. Cavallini Middle School in Upper Saddle River, N.J. has been named a Winner’s Circle Awardee for his PillSafe project. Liam created a pill bottle with a lock and timer to monitor opioid use.

Wyatt K., a twelve-year-old from Kiski Area Intermediate School in Vandergrift, Pa. has been named a Winner’s Circle Awardee for his project titled 9-1:1. Wyatt created a 9-1:1 app designed to connect someone in need with the fastest and most helpful medical response.

Krish L., a thirteen-year-old from Emil A. Cavallini Middle School in Upper Saddle River, N.J. has been named a Winner’s Circle Awardee for her project titled SafeSpaceVR. Krish used Virtual Reality (VR) to treat anxiety in teenagers with fun, low cost and easy methods.

Michaelina H., Paulina D. and Tiffany T., thirteen-year-olds from Randolph Community Middle School in Randolph, Mass. have been named Winner’s Circle Awardees for their Responsive Community Mechanics System project. Together, they created a responsive community mechanics system that will improve the way we view and handle education and health safety schools.

Nasr M. and Nikhil J., fourteen-year-olds from Vista Del Sur Traditional School in Laveen, Ariz. has been named a Winner’s Circle Awardee for his Trash Coin project. Nasr and Nikhil created a way for people to earn money while helping the environment.

Launched in 2017, Ignite My Future in School is an initiative that combines the best of digital content, lesson plans, career vignettes, and professional learning to help teachers prepare their students for careers of the future. The initiative offers educators instructional resources and year-round curriculum support to ensure that computational thinking is embedded into core subjects such as math, sciences, arts and social studies. This interdisciplinary approach helps students to obtain the necessary skills required for 21st century careers across all industries.

On a national level, Ignite My Future in School has a goal of engaging 20,000 teachers and one million US students by 2021. Since the program’s launch in 2017, more than 8,000 teachers and 467,000 students, in 81 school districts across all 50 states have benefited from the program. Ignite My Future resources are available at no-cost at ignitemyfutureinschool.org

###

About Tata Consultancy Services Ltd (TCS):

Tata Consultancy Services is an IT services, consulting and business solutions organization that has been partnering with many of the world’s largest businesses in their transformation journeys for the last fifty years. TCS offers a consulting-led, cognitive powered, integrated portfolio of business, technology and engineering services and solutions. This is delivered through its unique Location Independent Agile delivery model, recognized as a benchmark of excellence in software development.

A part of the Tata group, India's largest multinational business group, TCS has over 424,000 of the world’s best-trained consultants in 46 countries. The company generated consolidated revenues of US $20.9 billion in the fiscal year ended March 31, 2019 and is listed on the BSE (formerly Bombay Stock Exchange) and the NSE (National Stock Exchange) in India. TCS' proactive stance on climate change and award-winning work with communities across the world have earned it a place in leading sustainability indices such as the Dow Jones Sustainability Index (DJSI), MSCI Global Sustainability Index and the FTSE4Good Emerging Index. For more information, visit us at tcs.com. To stay up-to-date on TCS news in North America, follow @TCS_NA. For TCS global news, follow @TCS_News.

About Discovery Education:

Discovery Education is the global leader in standards-aligned digital curriculum resources, engaging content, and professional learning for K-12 classrooms. Through its award-winning digital textbooks, multimedia resources, and the largest professional learning network of its kind, Discovery Education is transforming teaching and learning and improving academic achievement around the globe. Discovery Education’s services are available in approximately half of U.S. classrooms and primary schools in the U.K., and reach over 5 million educators and 51 million students in more than 90 countries. Inspired by the global media company Discovery, Inc., Discovery Education partners with districts, states, and like-minded organizations to empower teachers with customized solutions that support the success of all learners. Explore the future of education at discoveryeducation.com.

source: https://www.csrwire.com/press_releases/42000-Tata-Consultancy-Services-and-Discovery-Education-Announce-Ignite-Innovation-Student-Challenge-Winners?tracking_source=rss