#so you know this is 100% real coming from me. a yes of all yeses lol

[zombiesun]

Hello, my question is does my crush J.P see a future with me? My initials are M.M

incredibly confident yes. which is surprising to me always because romantic readings often lead to sadder answers but you are absolutely and incredibly in luck in this area. J.P is for sure looking into the future when it comes to you. full swing yes.

[thegoodloveproject]

30 Days of D/s: Sub Frenzy

It had been a gloriously kinky week. My bottom was still covered in black and purple welts and I felt powerful (if sore) sitting demurely on the flight home knowing that I had a powerful and shocking secret in the midst of so many people. I was someone’s slave for the first time. It wasn’t until I got home after spending so much time in subspace and had to take off my collar to shower that I started to wake up and really think about what I had agreed to. Moving to another state so quickly? Yes, I’d have my own apartment, but They would have a key.  They could come in at anytime to use me as They chose.  And working as a pro-sub as well? My shower water was hot but I was shaking cold.  What had I gotten myself into? Was I really ready to sign on for 24/7 submission after experiencing it for only a week? I didn’t know the word back then, but I now know that my avalanche of “yeses” had been a form Sub Frenzy.

What is Sub Frenzy? With many new experiences there can be a high that is almost addictive. The excitement, the feeling of new found purpose and deep significance. In romantic relationships, we call it NRE (new relationship energy) or infatuation. In religion is called going “Convert Crazy”.  Feelings of compulsion or the need to dive deep, commit yourself 100% to a new identity,  or strive for perfectionism. In D/s, it’s known as Sub Frenzy and while it’s generally associated with new submissives, it can also happen with veteran subs in a new relationship or after an experience within their established dynamic.

There’s certainly nothing wrong with high enthusiasm (even in our “too cool” culture that tries to remain generally unaffected by things). Indeed, there is beauty in the shining eyes and eager spirit of new submissives or a sub that has taken things to a new level. Sub Frenzy though, is an intense headspace that can effect one’s decision making skills and self-preservation instincts. This is especially true if the sub believes they won’t be able to find another partner and could look like ignoring red flags or putting up with problematic behaviors.

Questions to ask yourself It’s important to take personal inventory throughout your kinky experiences and relationships. Keeping a journal is a great way to get perspective.  Here’s a few questions you can ask yourself to combat the fog that comes with the frenzy:


What are my boundaries and limits? You’ll remember in article 9 of this series I mentioned how some folks will claim they are down for “anything”. We all have limits and you need to get clear on what yours are before you start playing. If you are really unsure of what your limits are, do some reading (educational not just the sexy stuff). See if you can identify at least a few Hard and Soft limits
.

Have I vetted this person? 
How do did you meet your Dominant? Are they active in the local community? Going to munches or classes at your local dungeon (if you have one in your area) are great ways to get to know a variety of people and get some background on your potential playmate.



Does this person ask about my boundaries and respect them? Contrary to how it may be depicted in erotica,  a safe and respectful Dom/me will ask you about your boundaries and interests before diving into play. If a so-called “dominant” teases or shames your for your boundaries or tries to tell you “Well, real submissives to X” tell them to kick rocks.



Does this person actively listen to me? You should feel safe communicating with your Dominant and they should be able to demonstrate that they are listening to you and taking your feelings and well-being into full consideration. If most of their communication is correcting, criticizing or shutting you down you might want to reconsider playing with them.

Does this person encourage my kink education? Especially if you are new to D/s, it’s important to take an active role in your own education. Whether that’s watching how-to videos, reading books or listening to podcasts from other kinksters that explore relationship dynamics. If your Dominant insists on being your only teacher consider it a red flag.



Does this person seem to prefer to isolate me? If there’s one piece of dating advice from my mother that has always rang true it’s this: If something is going to go wrong in a relationship, it’s going to go wrong in isolation. Whether kink or vanilla, be ware of a partner that tries to isolate you from community, friends and family.  


Am I acting from a place of FOMO or scarcity? Don’t agree to something out of fear that saying no will deny you other opportunities to play. If you’re not feeling physically or mentally up for a particular activity says so. You do not need to be a superhero sub for anyone.

What would I tell a friend in this situation? If you’re feeling unsure about about a person or something they want to do with you, take yourself out of the equation for a minute and think about how you would advise a friend.  

Safety calls and Silent Alarms
 If you’re new to kink or playing with a new partner this is a great system to protect yourself. I use this when I’m going to someone’s house for the first time for dates, kinky play, or photoshoots. Pick a trustworthy person to be your check in buddy. Tell them what you are getting into and give them full names, the address and time that you’ll be playing. Have a pre-set time that you will be calling your buddy; if you don’t call by that time that is a sign that something is wrong and they will have agreed to either come check on you or alert the authorities.



You can take this a step farther with a Silent Alarm. Make up two code phrases to use doing your safety call, one that means “I don’t feel safe” and one that means “All good”.  I used to call my “grandma” to remind her to take her meds.  

Online safety

A final word, just because your D/s is online or long distance does not mean that you can not fall into Sub Frenzy or be at risk for abuse. All of this applies to online kinkery as well.  If you find your boundaries being pushed or stepped over get screenshots and don’t be afraid to block the person.

[roxannedarling]

Day 29: 774 Words

I saw a comment on Twitter the other day - something to the extent of "if I am online, I am outraged by all the insanity. But if I stay offline, is my silence contributing to it?"

I can relate.

I am a bit pissy right now just from 5 minutes of Twitter. I do not want to regurgitate all that has already been said. I seek original thinking and more so, I seek Transitional thinking.

Thinking that starts with, This is all a game.

A part of my brain thinks - don't go online. Stay away from the news. You can be safe without it. You are definitely happier without it. You can have a say in creating your own reality and you don't have to be up to date on the latest slurs, insults, policy hijacks, etc.

When and if things turn the tide, you will know about it.

It is OK that millions of people are consumed by this and are following it closely. You are not a slacker, Roxanne, if you want to make art outside of it. If you want to do things in your life that serve you first. That is one of the responsibilities of each human - to take care of yourself first.

All of this guilt you are feeling is coming from the sirens of the Hierarchy. They want you to feel scared, to feel weak, to feel lost, to feel powerless.

But you know, you aren't powerless.

It's all about the energy. You can change your world and even other worlds by your own intentions, your own actions. Even your non-actions. Withdrawing your attention is one of the most powerful things you can do. You are feeling more clearly where the line is between:

This is wild! I want to watch and see what's happening! I want to support those efforts I believe in!

versus

OMG it's a shit show day in and day out and I feel angry when I read about it. I feel sad. I feel powerless. I feel guilty.

Those latter things are not very useful, FOR YOU, Roxanne. You are more of a lover than a fighter. Self-awareness. Self-knowledge. Self-understanding. Self-acceptance. Those are the tools in your box - use them and use them some more.

This is a holographic ecosystem in which you live. You can be a voice for calm, for cheer, for optimism, for insight - and first you must talk to yourself in these ways.

Your self-care - put it front and center, reactivate it every hour.

Some people love arguing. Some people love uncovering. Some people love fabricating stories.

Who are you? What do you want, Roxanne?

How willing are you to let this be real?

Is the universe 100% for you or do you think it is less? These times, these times when things are maddening and confusing and upsetting, this is when you get to face that belief front and center.

-----

Yes, this is my Transition. Thank you for the reminders. I dint it funny and ironic that most of my life I was an outsider, pretending to be an insider. I am still wanting to fit it, after all this time rebelling. Such a classic conflict of discrepancies.

I don't need to fit it. Just because I am interested in people and their stuff from time to time does not mean I have to bend myself into twisted painful shapes to have them like me.

Imagine if I didn't worry if anyone liked me? Including my partner? God knows how much of my life I have used up trying to make him happy, conforming to his neuroses to create the illusion of calm and connectedness in my life.

Yes, it's a tough time right now to be facing all this. But of course, I am facing it because it is a tough time. Yeah, like that popular quotes, tough times show you who you are. At least, who you are in the tough times. I want to draw on the person I am, in the not so tough times. And bring her over to these tough times now.

Keep on digging for what will make me happy. How to support myself. How to create an environment that supports me and my desires, my process. That is my job. I like that job, too. I am prepared to work hard at it or slack at it, as the situation calls.

"If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing badly." G. K. Chesterton

Don't get stressed or stopped by perfection. Take whatever messy 'yeses' come your way, Rox.

774 Words