#so yeah thats all i can only say about it. im just genuinely depressed on the inside really but ill be fine i guess idk when

[moo-savr]

lol sorry I died once more, it will happen again <:3!!!!!!

[multiplicity-positivity]

hi uh i could use some advice :<

im a host of a recent system of 20-ish and guh i am t i r e d

im mainly looking for advice on how to switch or just retreat into the headspace/leave front or even just kinda stop being fully aware while still being in front for awhile bc id rlly like to take a break and the realization that im most likely front attracted/frontstuck is kinda making me more tired of being in front

also if it helps at all my(&) system is parogenic + traumagenic in origin (specifically parotraumagenic) and theres kinda iffy communication between members (some of them i have clear communication with and they randomly pop up to say stuff, some i have no idea where they are and some of them i can usually only hear when im directly interacting with them).

afaik (as far as i know) only three?? ppl have rlly "fronted" per se, and the rest have been co-con

i apologize for the long and mildly depressing ask but any help is appreciated also dont forget to hydrate

Hello! We have some posts that might help you that we’d like to share if that’s okay. The first is a post we wrote a while back with some tips on switching from our own experience:

We’d also like to share this post by @rin-and-jade on being frontstuck or frontlocked, and how to go about unsticking yourself!

Our own system host (Parker) is almost always fronting to some extent. It can certainly be exhausting and disheartening fronting nonstop, especially when other members of your system can seemingly come and go as they please. He’s going to put some info under a cut for how he copes with fronting constantly, in case you want some advice on coping with being genuinely unable to switch out!

We hope something here will be helpful for you! We’re wishing you the best of luck with switching out or at least learning how best to cope with fronting in your future!

(Host here - I’ll just write this bit if thats okay. Anyway here’s some stuff I do to deal with The Horrors of perpetual existence)

Meditation

Taking a few moments to sit in comfortable silence can be useful for me when I’m feeling stressed or overwhelmed or straight up exhausted. Here’s how I meditate (I’m no expert and I’m sure there’s better ways to do this… this is just what I do)

- get in a comfortable position in a quiet place where I’m not likely to be disturbed

- set a timer on my phone for 5 minutes

- close my eyes, focus on my breathing

- don’t dwell on any thoughts but also don’t push them away; acknowledge them and let them go

- try to stay still and calm until my timer goes off

And that’s it. Sometimes I get interrupted by an alter or something outside, but for the most part, this is how I’ve been able to meditate effectively.

Rest

I take naps whenever I can. I sit down whenever I can. I’ll literally just close my eyes for a few minutes whenever I can. Our body has issues with chronic fatigue, and fronting constantly can sometimes exacerbate our exhaustion. So yeah I am a huge fan of naps and will often set a timer for like 15-20 minutes and snooze whenever the opportunity arises. Even just lying down with closed eyes can help replenish some energy.

Distractions

Reading, watching something on TV, or playing video games can help give me somewhat of a break even if I’m still fronting. I do tend to try and keep us distracted as much as possible… sometimes to our own detriment. But if you find that you really aren’t ever able to switch out, or if your system is specutien and that’s just the way your system functions, finding things you enjoy that can serve as distractions may help you as well.

Saying No

This one’s tough, but I’m trying to learn to say no when I’m overwhelmed or have too much on my plate. This means sometimes I’ll cancel plans, hand off a responsibility, make a compromise, or turn down an opportunity if I don’t have the energy for it.

Honestly idk how much my addition can help you, but if you find that you’re not ever able to switch out at all please know there’s other folks out there in similar positions. Hoping you can make the most of your situation, anon /genuine

[toxycodone]

i understand its all joaks and its lighthearted out of love for this character but it is a little sad to see things like laios being a minimum wage worker and having no friends being described as him being a loser when theyre extremely common autistic experiences 💔 because to be honest i think youre really cool and a great writer and i would like to interact more but it makes me go, is that what you would think of me? my life situation’s not too different from that. anyways i hope you have a nice day <3

no not at all I genuinely like being mean to Laios so take everything I say about him with the world's biggest effing grain of salt because I am just. mean to him in particular lol. i like to kick him when he's down. (evil and mean but to blonde men in particular)

but like. i am not cool at all. like...........ill put it under the cut but yeah.

real shit under the cut bc this ask is making me think! im gonna be real w u nonnie

tl:dr if u dont wanna see whats under the cut:

this ask kinda makes me think bc. i think im really mean to laios too bc he reminds me of myself beforehand (zero self confidence and suicidal idealization) sigh and I really hate being reminded of that. so. again. im really biased when it comes to him specifically and that doesn't apply to you or any of my followers.

and for what its worth i am sorry for making you feel that way.

but also. i gotta say I can 100% relate to him and you. this time last year I was working at Starbucks ( i could only tolerate 4 hour shifts bc i would get overstimulated and my coworkers lowkey hated me.) and had like. 1 friend from high school and the years before that I spent turbo online being constantly pushed out of friend groups bc i could NEVER get anything right socially. I swear the first 23 years of my life I never lived. i went thru hs and college as a fucking. like. creature I felt like i couldnt connect w anyone because I was too tormented by adhd + autism and i was INSANELY depressed and coping w lack of control by having an eating disorder and being doped the fuck up on stimulants. (MY PCP gave me 56 mg of concerta and 5mg booster of adderall i was fucking tweaking on the daily </3)

but like. i started going to therapy and a psychiatrist who made me quit cold turkey for my own good and we started treating my depression and debilitating anxiety (i was convinced a stranger was living in my house in secret but also that everyone in public who saw me was revolted by me and genuinely wanted me to kill myself jkdhsfskdjh i told you i was tweaking)

anyways. i was a druggie with no goal in life and living in my own head and now like. i can look at myself in the mirror and not think "hey. this fat ugly piece of shit should genuinely die" and now people in real life LIKE me. I have friends. multiple friend groups, actually. WITH NOT JUST ND PEOPLE. LIKE, A LOT OF THEM ARE NEUROTYPICAL. And i am very open about being autistic with them and i dont have to mask.

and they still like me! and invite me places! and genuinely want to hang out with me! and they think im smart and get uncomfortable when I say im stupid or too autistic to like. be able to be in public.

it still feels like a dream and in my mind im like "they actually are gonna drop you and make fun of you for thinking they were ever your friends" or like "theyre just doing this bc of the stupid buddy system shit or they think you're a pet this is highschool all over again"

but even tho im haunted by this. its....I can say with confidence its not true.

anyways. i know people say this shit all the time but I will say you are very capable of love and not a loser or anything like that. the thing you're missing out on is the right people. i didnt believe this for most of my life and tried to get myself killed because of it but im glad I didn't because it is genuinely true.

i have spent the last <1 year of my life genuinely being alive. and i wouldn't trade it for anything. idk if thats a sign for anyone yeah. take it

[gibbearish]

there were a lot of things but the most annoying was that so many times he would ask something, i would respond, and then he would just sit there silently for a while until i finally was like ?? why is he silent ?? and looked around and made eye contact. then he would literally make this exact face

before continuing. like man fuck off, if you consider eye contact a requirement just say so so i can go home

god idk why but i SUPER dont want to do this therapy appointment

[youremyheaven]

Haha ashwaghanda is my savior right now. I was really depressed and neurotic about everything and that made me even more depressed because I knew there was something wrong with me and just wanted to be normal. So I really hated myself.

But I’d tried ashwaghanda in the past but really needed something to help me. (Im not able to see a therapist because I don’t have much money) so I bought a different brand and it literally had changed my life. It’s also mixed with St John’s Wart, which is another herb and helps with depression. But it does interfere with medications so be careful if you take it.

I was afraid to start it because everyone says it can make you numb but it really didn’t for me. I feel more stable and more at peace I guess. Also you’re supposed to cycle it every 3 months or something. Lmao how I first noticed it was working was I noticed my handwriting got suddenly so much neater lol. Like in the past it was messy and illegible, so I was like hold up… why can I actually read what I’m writing. I think it was a reflection of my mental state. I actually understand myself now and in the past few months have genuinely started loving myself. It didn’t make my anxiety go away but I guess I’m able to realize that I can handle it now. So yeah haha my experience is pretty great so far!

thats amazing!!! when i first tried ashwagandha when i was 19-20, i had a really good time, i slept like a baby, i felt calm and generally more at ease etc

but i tried ash again last year and oh boy 😭😭😭

it made me suuuuper foggy and lethargic, i couldnt even stand up to get out of my bed sometimes bc it made me super out of energy,,

a common side effect of ash is anhedonia, which is described as the inability to feel pleasure and a lack of interest in life. i felt that,, its so interesting to me that you mentioned handwriting and how yours got neater because my journal entries from the time are soooo illegible, messy and looks like the textbook definition of someone whose cognitive capacities were impaired 💀💀🤐 it made me anxious asf, my heartbeat would be racing for no reason 💀💀my brain was sooo cloudy, id sit down on my bed and then 5 hours would pass by just like that and i wouldnt even know it 💀💀i felt very woozy, like my room was floating or smthng 😭

i was severely dissociated and extremely fatigued but i will admit that i did take too much of it 💀💀and i didnt cycle it 😭😭

i think different people react differently and its also impacted by our underlying state of mind and general condition i guess.

i did have a good experience with ash the first time around which is why i took it again last year, only to turn into a zombie cause of it lmao ,, it took me months to recover from it 😭😭

im really glad you had a positive experience bestie <333 its wonderful that ash did all that for you!! when it works, its truly incredible!!

to anybody thinking of taking herbal supplements, PLEASE exercise caution, take it in small quantities, do your research on its impact on any specific conditions you have etc

[cervideity]

YOUR IDEA ABOUT LINK HAVING DREAMS AS VIO IS SO COOL!!! IT'S SUCH A GOOD AND INTERESTING IDEA!!! I have to ask, how do you think Link feels when he wakes up from dreams where he's only one of his separate selves? How do dreams for Green, Red, and Blue tend to play out? Do they have dreams related to their trauma/personal baggage as well?

AWA THANK YOU GENUINELY UR FLATTERING ME.. i was struck by lightngihg. (inspiration, all at once.) Thank you for asking ! this inspired me to flesh out the idea more so here you go :]

Well my logic abt this is based in my own experiences, so id say Off the bat, disoriented. takes a bit to remember hes Link and not one of his parts. could take 5 to 25 minutes. yknow the kind of half asleepness where you dont know youre a person and everything that happened to dream you was Real. that. [perhaps he will seek relief in his companions, only to find them not there.]

if hes Jolted awake by maybe zelda or of his own volition (i can see the two sleeping in the same room for a while directly after the events of the manga. dont wanna lose track of one another n wanna take care of each other). the same but hed snap out of it faster. shed comfort him best she can and then theyd both get up and hang out for Realsies smile. based on what info we have on link im unsure if hed feel comfortable thinking about it too long. i think hed try to distract himself with training or talking with zelda or somethin before confronting that

anyways YEAH i think they would all have their own seprate nightmares, so links brain can process Everything that happened to all his parts. thats what dreams do, they help you file away memory, and links memory is going to be. pretty... fucked. it has to deal with 4 times the amount of information in a single span of time.

[i have a lot of ideas on link recovering (if he needs to) from re-fusion. but tthats for later. i dont really have a single interp its just a playground for me]

funny gif so u dont lose ur place reading. LOL.

some of these are more developed than the others. dw about it

green. i have a concept in my head of him and the others fighting ganon but they fall one by one until just green is left, i think i need to elaborate on that in my head... because of many events, i think green would get nightmares about the friends around him being controlled or secretly monsters.. or hurting a monster that was actually a friend. ahg.g.. grips my hands together so hard they turn white

i think red would have a great time in a nightmare specifically sporting that Fucking coffin, where he is all alone, knows internally (yknow when dreams do that? you dont see it happen you just Know) that all his friends are fucking dead. and he doesnt have his gear. and hes maybee in the temple of darkness and the spooky monsters know hes there and though they arent here yet its just a matter of time. and he needs to sit there and wait to die. because red cant fight back! hes the weakest link! (untrue these are his own thoughts) theres no one to save him, or even die with. he failed. (imagine him with that hopeless depressed expression he makes you know the one)

blue .... i honestly think The Cave on its own is a pretty good nightmare scenario for blue. an enemy you cant touch. a state where you cant move. (blue is a very physical person)........ maybe dreams where hes strapped down to a table or cant move or otherwise in a claustrophoic space. doesnt gotta be freezing just anything to represent paralysis. cuz that happened to him several times. maybe he can watch someone hurt his companions while hes stuck. (thinking of the several green+vio dying scares)

vio.let. this nightmare is the most specific because i saw it in my head before i came up with possible ideas. this dream is meant to process shadows death among other things, so i think itd be reoccuring. It starts with him wandering an empty hyrule castle. he doesnt cast a shadow. hes completely and utterly alone. He wanders room to room. Theres the idea that theres Something wrong in the back of his head. the dream could end here, or it could desend into nightmare territory, he stumbles into a long confusing maze of mirrors. he cant look anywhere but at his reflection, but theres nothing to look at, theyre motionless silohettes. he cant focus he cant make the maze make sense he cant figure out how to escape and he keeps panicking more and more in an internal loop but he doesnt know whats wrong whatd he do ? the final scene is something i didnt draw unfortunately, he finds the room with the dark mirror. his throat goes dry for a reason he doesnt know. he subconciously moves closer. its only the frame. he can step right through it. a portal to nowhere. usually the full weight of the situation clicks Right here and link jolts awake with tears in his eyes.

link also has nightmares where he Isnt these guys and is himself and those ones tend to be what they all experienced. theres a lot of My Loved Ones Are In Danger and i Cant Do Shit. Someone getting injured on his watch, being powerless in one way or another. Powerlessness is a running theme here, haha. I also think sometimes link would get fucked up dreams about being the one physically hurting innocent people. just to fuck with his idea of being a hero. :]

[our-queerplatonic-experience]

hii sorry if this is too venty or depressing or whatever but i really need help

ive been in a qpr with my partner nagisa for like 3 months (weve been friends before that for a few years) and i love him so much ive never wanted anyone in my life more than him. but i am deathly afraid of being a bad partner, and i am even more afraid of him leaving me for someone else even though i know thats not realistic.

he asked one of our ex friends if he could complain to them about something in private and for the rest of the day i felt anxious and sick and guilty like i just killed someone. i cut this friend off mainly because i was so jealous and spiteful (didnt say that tho i feel guilty) (also he was a really shitty person and made me really uncomfortable but it was mainly cuz i was jealous)

whenever im not talking to him my brain shouts to me that im ignoring him and im a horrible cold monster who just has him as a battery to feed my sick desires or whatever the hell that thing tells me at night. whenever i talk to him too much my brain shouts that i look desperate and clingy and i am annoying him hes probably sleeping! but it hurts less than feeling cold. so thats why i try to text him as much as possible. it almost feels like a compulsion, that im not actually texting him because i care and im talking to him so i personally dont feel like shit (ok that made me feel awful to type out but Fuck whatever)

i am not a bad person i really love my partner ive never loved anyone more than him hes the only person i really connect with on a deep level anymore and i think we genuinely have some sort of spiritual bond because of how often we share the same emotions and think the same thoughts at the same time. but i dont really believe in spirituality shit so whatever

he actually has the same issue (but seems to have figured it out better than me) with me and my friend, and it actually made me hate myself so much i have stopped talking to that friend because i dont want him to feel any percent of what i do. when he isn’t there to talk to me i feel alone and abandonded and like my arms have been cut off and like im living without a 3rd dimension. i feel like a normal person when im with him. he is the only thing keeping me sane. i would drop all my friends if he wanted me to

whenever im not talking to him i feel like im neglecting a bird in a cage even though i know he doesn’t need me that much

whats funny is that i dont worry about being a bad person in any other aspect of my life i literally do not give a fuck whether im a bad person because i always justify everything i do in my mind and i cant find a single bad thing ive done. other than the intentionally bad shit i did, of course, i did that stuff to kinda.. give myself something to feel bad for and so i dont feel like im fully a perfect person? hard to put into words

so yeah i guess you get the point! i really need some sort of advice. ive told him this but not really the full extent behind it, just the jealousy and vague mentions of the fear of being bad. i am worried that my anxiety of being a bad partner is leading me to be a bad partner

damn... okay i don't know a lot about this but it sounds like you might be developing a codependency. you should definitely communicate all of this to your partner so you can work together to lessen your anxiety. you also should probably go to therapy but i don't know if that is accessible to you right now. i'm sorry i don't have much else to say but hopefully someone in the replies can also help

[deepfriedseagullfeet]

I know cannon Jack in the lore was like the only thing that could make the convoluted mess of a story make sense. But it seems like there's going to be a slight re-write of the lore. I was actually disappointed with the whole "oh lets just do a supernatural research and containment place is evil(or not evil, just selfish in the pursuit of knowledge/curiosity that causes catastrophe) and thats why bad thing happen" as I writer I understand this kind of horror trope is popular, but I'm also tired of seeing it.

It feels so overdone at this point. But I understand it's just something he likes and I respect that.

The only possible writing solution is to put Chase in cannon Jack's position, of course this leads to a wall of "how we gonna write ourselves outta this one in a way that makes sense?"

Anyway on the question of what is Anti, it's definitely moved on from "oh he's just a demon or something" but I hope they do keep it interesting.

Now for your writing, is definitely so far removed and so unique no one else could come up with the most depressing, distressing thing I have ever seen. The danger feels more real. The fact that there was this guy who created things without a sense of care, just abandoned them. I kinda cried not lying about that.

Now for the comics....I'm not sure if I'm going to buy a digital copy. It does seem like these versions of marvin and jackie are going to cater towards the fannon side of things, with slight changes. Now if this is going to be a multiverse thing...(another trope trending in fiction media lately) I can only hope it's not complicated.

Please keep creating.

I COMPLETELY FORGOT TO ANSWER THIS SOOOOORRRYYYYYY

but yeahhhhh idk how i feel about the whole iris thing! ive seen the whole mysterious facility thing before and i feel that its such a different direction than the original lore.......and jack being put in a coma by anti and EVERYTHING ABOUT THE ORIGINAL ANTI VIDEO was super cool in my option AND CHASE MASQUERADING AS JACK CAUSE THEY LOOK IDENTICAL ughhhh it was a neat narrative. not that im a Hater of what sean does creatively but i do prefer the original lore ya know? maybe thats nostalgia talkin but yeah. i actually have not bought the comics yet because i genuinely kinda dont care, which seems mean to say! maybe i will read them eventually but for now im not super interested. anyways. sean can do what he wants forever and i have my own opinions and complicated thoughts about the years of the jse ego hayday. but im glad i can talk about what i think about the 'modern' ego stuff without much backlash and we can have discussions 👍

also im sorry my ego lore made you cry omg 😭 i mostly just daydream at work and come up with wild shit that i think is fucked up and cool and i sometimes post about. its crazy to me that my ideas are impactful and make people feel things 🥺 thank u all for interacting and enjoying what i make, i genuinely hope i can find the time to work on more ego stuff soon (like the iceberg. i keep re-writing the script over and over and cant make up my mind about certain things. IM SORRY ITLL COME OUT SOMEDAY)

[justmeinadaze]

https://www.tumblr.com/justmeinadaze/721864452608311296/i-thought-the-fic-about-demon-eddie-steve-was?source=share

Like I thought steve & Eddie where dating.... And the whole comparing the reader to Chrissy just makes me think he doesn't even like the reader he just likes the way the reader is so much like Chrissy which is kinda sad cause I thought Eddie and Steve where together the whole time

Not in this story, my love. Part 2 is actually the first time I've alluded to them having being intimate at all which I will expand on more in other chapters.

Now for your second question I am going to choose my words carefully and speak from experience. On ward to below the "Keep Reading" line!!

You don't have to answer because again Im speaking from my own experience but have you ever lost someone suddenly like that? Someone you loved that you literally just spoke to and then they were gone the next day?

In my story, Eddie loved Chrissy a lot. Again she saw through the image he displayed and loved him for him. For Eddie, she's the only person that saw him for who he was so then to have her not only permanently taken from him but the fact that there was nothing he could do to save her or bring her back? It stayed with him.

When he meets the reader, she has a lot of her qualities which triggers something in him. He spent YEARS after her death thinking no one would ever love him the way she did. She probably knew things about him that even Steve didn't. So the fact that someone like that is in front of him again not only excites him but scares him.

Of course, one reason being this arrangement isn't permanent. After 3 weeks or 3 murders they're supposed to disappear until the next person summons them and again there's nothing he can do about it. Two, he feels guilty. I mean he loved Chrissy...he can't love someone else? But he can...thats why her dad said what he said.

I genuinely believe if she was exactly like Chrissy he would be meaner to her. He doesn't want another Chrissy. The princess was special to him for a reason.

When my person passed, I always felt so guilty when I met someone or did something that made me happy the way he did to the point where I was a very snippy angry human who became severely depressed. The first time I met someone that reminded me of him I kept bringing him up because it had been so long since I talked about him or felt this way.

"We used to do this together." Or "He would say that all the time!"

For a long time, it added to the guilt because I felt kinda like what you were describing. "Oh my god they probably think Im only around them because they remind of him." I would apologize constantly like "I swear no I like you for you."

Someone had to sit me down and be like "Kathryn! Its ok. It's ok to feel what you're feeling."

Once I felt like I could be more open, I didn't feel the need to keep bringing up things like that constantly. I didn't feel like...he was going to be forgotten and I was replacing him if I stopped talking about him.

So yeah...that's how I write for Eddie's grief. Honestly, this is the only chapter you're going to get the bulk of that breakdown of his history lol I wanted her to get to know more about them and how they came to be here. Like Steve says Eddie is the big bulk of the reason he is where he is so both stories connect.

I hope what I've said here doesn't cause offense. Again, its from my point of view and I wanted to answer you honestly. I genuinely didn't think this chapter could be perceived in such away so it helps me to hear you but yeah.

You have to remember. Its chapters online. Not a whole book. I can't flush out a whole arc with smut in like 4 chapters lol Obviously if you read the above lol

[layzeal]

Hello!

This is my opinion, please correct me somehow im really willing to change since thats how i am with new fandoms i get myself into(is it really new if i have known it for 2 years) anyway, please forgive my insolence. I just wanna ask what you think of cql changing a lot themes (especially that importance they have put on yunmeng trios ( its to the point ive ask my myself if JYL manipulates WWX, you know guil tripping forcing someone to be with you (obv not romantically) out of pity or other) (and downgrading certain things like JC's cruelty or washing WWX making him not lose control but have outside factors) (the timeline is also confusing) and i just felt like most of the lessons in mdzs was not successfully implemented in the live action. There were a lot of times that made me leave the show halfway because i was hoping for a lot of wangxian actions (it was 50 epi after all) but most of it was in flashback and focuses too much on the said trio. then the sudden change of story into XXC and XY, and the little changes too like LQY being a Jin disciple.

and also about that LWJ self harm ask, ive read some meta about it him being sad and in grief, another saying its a part of remembering WWX (which for me is so ridiculous, which part exactly will remind him of WWX, the self harm part of the scars?) and frankly im more inclined to believe thats its a mistake he have done while drunk and grieving, he has to let it out somehow and without logic and inhibitions he must have done it after seeing the torture weapon?? like its not a planned thing( but who am i talk, it could be depression speaking) which is not making sense how do you manage to find it just lying so it could also have been because something have reminded it of him. i honestly wanna stop thinking about the hows so i just ask.

another point id like to ask is how do people manage to have questions that sounds so amazing? idk the word for it. but you know what i mean, bizarre then people like you somehow have the word to explain such things. how long does it usually take you to articulate what you mean, and what process are you using that makes it so easy to understand.

hi friend!! so, for a brief history: i actiually got into MDZS through CQL back in june 2021, and i really loved it!! however, there were a lot of things that were very confusing to me (especially the timeline), which is why i decided to pick up the novel, because i was very very interested in understanding the whole picture!

(more under cut)

but as you can see by now, my fandom content has almmost exclusively switched to novel/audio drama canon! and well, there's not really much secret about it, other than me just vastly preferring the novel's narrative, for many of the reasons you mentioned! my general stance on CQL is that, while it's a pretty bad adaptation that fails in a lot of ways to convey some themes of the original work, it does work really well as its own, independent thing, and that's kinda how it exists in brain? i've kinda grown a wall of separation between the two, in which i don't really see CQL as MDZS, and tend to appreciate it on its own (ie. for as much as i LOVE wangxian's relationship in the novel, there really is something incredibly tasty about how it was done in the show that only works within that universe)

but most of all, i only watched cql like, once, and can remember VERY little about it, so it's why i don't really feel comfortable talking about its changes because i genuinely cannot remember how they were executed LMAO. but YEAH there are more changes i dislike than i like, and whether they were made because of censorship or not, it's still sad how much lost potential there was :(

and @ you last question: oh, thank you so much!! hmm, i do tend to just kinda... write down what i'm thinking, so the words you're reading are pretty much my exact train of thought haha i guess i can be really thankful to having reached a level of english fluency that allows me to make-up sentences in my mind already in english, rather than having to translate them beforehand. a lot of my practice experience was actually by doing writing and roleplaying here on tumblr, so maybe that's related! just reading and writing a lot can definitely help you develop an easier way to articulate your thoughts. it's why i love doing media analysis, really, i get so excited about something from a piece of media that i HAVE to share, and for that to work i need to articulate it well enough, so it's very motivating! does that make sense? i hope so dkjfhjdfkg

hope you have a good day, anon <3

[thisisegregiouuuus]

bro 😻

its actually so insane how i used to be so obsessed w the shining. like looking back on all that i was litereally going crazy--and like my interests/phases only last like a week or so but damn that one alsted like 2 months or smth, i thought it would never end so i was kinda surprise when i watched it for like the 5th time or something and i went 'damn...this is getting kinda old'

i genuinely felt sad tho. it always feels kinda sad falling out of a phase/interest kinda thing, especially one youve liked for a while. like with the shining its fine bc i know i still like it but it was just a crazy 2 month-phase, now i still like it but like, in a normal, non-crazed kinda way lmao, like im not silently talking to myself in my head abt the shining and begging for someone, anyone to talk to me abt the shining, i was legit on the brink of madness, i couldt contain myself thats how much i loved it lmao

anyway. for now its not compeltley lost, i still do like it, but idk, the last time i watched it i could jsut tell i wasnt as interested as the previous times, and thats when i was like 'damn it, this is it ig' and it was super sad. it felt like a big loss, but then again im happy i got out of it, like i said. maybe it was for the better! now i gotta find smth else to occupy me and my attention for the next couple of weeks or ill go insane!!!

this whole the shining phase ended like 2 or 3 months ago or smth. now im jsut mucking around. ive been watching th eoffice over and over again bc yeah i do love it but liek theres literally nothing else to occupy my attention with. and i feel kinda bad saying that, like i feel stupid saying i need smth to constantly be keeping my attention or like keeping me entertained, but like otherwise i just feel like i have no meaning or purpose or anything to keep me going, and i need smth! im not depressed or anything tho i swear 🙏

anyway I LOVE THE CATCHER IN THE RYE!!!! in history today my favourite book of all time was like very briefly mentioned and i wanted to explode when i saw it, i so badly wanted to mention it but there was no way id do it in front of anyone so yeah. holden caulfield is fr me, or he was most like year last year when i was like so alone at school and hated everybody. i still dont like most people but its not as bad as it used to be

anyway i feel really stupid writing this whole thing, idkw, but yeah, for now idk what ill do. i am going in an out of different writing projects/little stories that ive made up but i can never commit to just one thing. i am going back to my main project tho, and im really happy for once because im just writing. im not worrying about what other people might think (even tho i literally dont show it to anyone i legit just write for myself i jsut get rlly stupid sometimes,) im honestly just having fun and writing what i like, and i think thats what writings all about. its not about proving yourself to anyone or trying to impress anyone, or trying to make yourself seem all big and idk intellectual and all smartsy fartsy and stuff. its litereally just to express yourself and have fun and put all your amazing ideas down onto paper, i love writing so much, especially when i dont convince myself that my writing is shit and tell myself that it's not good enough and if people were to see it they wouldnt be as impressed as i want them to be

but anyways, thats all! its been a while since ive been on here so yeah. i know no one relaly sees these but theyre still fun to write. i just like expressing myself, i feel like im honestly kind of better off if no one sees these. like it would be nice to have like a tiny little community or some friends on here or smth since tbh even tho ive been on here for like a year and a half i still dont rlly fully understand how this app works </3 im just here for fun! so anyway

thats all folks! ski you later everybody! 😼

(sidenote, yes ik i dont know how to spell 'literally' i keep messing it up😻)

[sphericalbee]

bro if either of my irls see this i will look crazy pahtetic idk maybe ill delete iti should probably just leaves this ini the drafts

im pretty pathetic irl anyway i think lol wo who carse

im thinking ab my middle school best friend and i miss her so much it isnt even funny

idk if i was her best friend but i always loved her so much and i think about her almost every day even 2 years later

ik she wasnt doing well and she didnt come from a good home and was awful at managing her emotions and didnt talk to anyone and she would sh (i only know ab bc of some complicated secret poetry thing but she never knew i had seen that but i think she meant me to) and i think she cared about me? i kinda hope not bc i want her to be happy

but i would genuinely give anything to go back in time and talk to her again for just a few hours

i want to text her and tell her everything but idk its too weird after 2 years

i think she deserves to know how much i care about her,, right?

i had to pause twice writing this bc i was crying too hard i worry about her so much

its good im godo at crying silently lol no one can even tell so sneaky

i saw a girl with the same hair as her last week and i teared up in the middle of the hallway because it hit me how much i dont know what shes doing or if shes even alive bc i KNOW hse wasnt fucknig donig well

my cat was trying to comfort me but i think he got bored and left he's so cute lmfoa my brain made it into a very angsty analogy b4 i had the chance to stop it 💀

im this close to cracking and spam texting her

i googled her just now and found her linkedin profile of fucking course shes on linkedin thats so inc harecetr where she says she wants to go to medical school and she uses fucking stupid old words like candor and idk i hope she gets into her dream college

im sure she can she was always so smart i thknk shell do rly well and maybe one day shell perform open heart surgery on me lol that would be baller

"I believe in honesty because it creates an environment that permits integrity. Allowing for candor leads to an honorable work space. Integrity is an essential value to have as it holds all to a high ethical standard. Integrity adds trust, which is necessary for professionalism. I plan to enroll in a four-year college for a master's degree to study biochemistry. I then intend to go to medical school and earn a doctorate."

she fucking talked like that even at 13 yeah and she liked running and read all the time and she loved gamed of thrones and i still own one of her shitty books and we met when she was challenging classmates to race and she was so tall and had pretty hair

sophia im sorry for crying i think it would make her uncomfortable haha

i have fucking snot on my face now shed forsure be uncomfortable lmfaoo

ill go watch some tv show and try not to burst into tears again in 10 minutes ugh maybe it would be better if i had stayed depressed having this many feelings is driving me crazy why r u here bro : /

i should make a secret vent account LMFAO my followers r here for ohshc and mq not sob stories sorry sorry

[spicycowboyhole]

posting because the psychicatrist decided to get sick when im having a crisis?:

idk where to start tbh LLOOL but i think im NOT DOING WELL. like on the outside evertytthings fine like nothings changed at all but i think im going insane. i think ive just realized how i have like 0 emotional suppoport system and whenever someone says something genuinely nice about me it makes me feel emotional because like i had family visiting this past week and my mom and my cousins tarted talking about college and my mom was saying how i wasted money going to college. i said that i didnt feel like i wasted my money becasue i have a degree now and i could always go back and get my bachelors but she said "BUT WHAT ARE U DOING EITH IT" and it just pissed me off because i feel like shes negating my accomplishment.

what made me cry last night was when i was messaging this guy and he was telling me about how he had class in the morning and we started talking about college. i told him how i was thinking about going back to school in january and he said i should.

for some reason i feel like getting my degree in psych would be cringe or a waste of time/money because my friend told me everyone she knows who did thinks so, like its some useless art degree. but when i asked this guy if it was cringe he said "so cringe... imagine having ambitions" im fucking stupid and didnt notice the sarcasm and i said "might as well start playing bucket drums on the street ig" because idk i guess i imagine getting a degree in psych would be just as dumb as someone trying to make it in the music business by playing on the street or something. he said "everyone thats going to college has ambitions. So in that case we all need to go play street bongos" and that perspective completely exploded my brain and i started crying LMAO because i guess going to college is a risk no matter what and u just have to believe in urself or some gay shit. it made me think of a taz cameo where he told someone that "nobody is gonna support your journey no matter how much they love you until youve proved to them that your journey was worth supporting" and that made me sad kinda because like i said i dont think i really have any kind of support from family rn and i kinda just have myself but i have like 0 confidence and negative self esteem and my family just being dissapointed in me and saying negative stuff really doesnt help. so i guess the moral of the story is that i have to trust and believe in myself because no one else will! really sucks i think. yeah but i only just started talking to that guy like YESTERDAY and im sure he prob felt like what he told me was nothing but it really did impact me and pulled the last tiny string that was emotionally holding me together. i apologized for being cynical and i told him i appreciated his words because i was kinda responding in a joking way that might have come off as rude i think? the silly bandaid just isnt working so good no more.

but fr i think while my anxiety is a lot better i think my depression is getting worse just due to my circumstances. like can u believe i almost went to the movies with some stranger internet guy just because i didnt want to be with my family?? i think somethings making me more impulsive than usual. i was going to buy cigarettes today and the only reason i didnt was because my appointment got canceled.

some other things tho i kinda didnt like having my cousins come visit because i just feel so inferior to them. like they look better and are just doing kinda all the stuff i should be doing yk? makes me feel shitty AND i feel like my mom just kinda infantilizes me like my parents treat me like nemo and i just cant do some things for some reason. its just so frustrating like my parents make me upset and i just want to move far away from them but also like they dont encourage me to do stuff on my own and when i try theyre like how are you even gonna do that you cant do that you have a bad fin like HELLO HELP ME FIX MY FIN THEN? I WOULDNT HAVE A BAD FIN IF YOU DIDNT HELP PREVENT IT IN THE FIRST PLACE LOL BUT IT JUST SUCKS THAT I HAVE TO DO ALL THIS BY MYSELF

i just dont want to be living here in like 5 years. thats a goal huh? if i had been asked where i wanted to be in 5 yrs when i was in high school id be like idk but i somehow managed to grow a goal somehow just out of misery i guess. and the steps are so cleaar in my head but then the voices tell me i cant do it because im scared BUT thats the point of life or something right??

jesus chhrososttt in reality nothing is really changing irl but im having some sort of crisis rn

ive even been trying to talk to boys LOL ive just been wanting some kind of escape from my life,, some independence, i want MY OWN LIFE that my mommy doesnt know everything about. i want to go to the movies with someone im not related to.

ok these paragraphes are all fucked up and i would fix it but i dont wanna go through and reread them

[goremet-chef]

trying to control my emotions is so difficult man, like i can be honest with myself and lay out the whole truth, but that little voice inside me will always be like "okay, but what if we dont know the whole truth? what if something happened we dont know about and our fear is completely warranted?"

its sad because its not like.. the 'little voice' isnt an alter or something, its just ME. i bring myself so much misery, i feel so ashamed. i cant believe im our host. i bring all of us down, and im not even being dramatic or anything, i genuinely do. im selfish, and my method of coping with reality is to LEAVE it, when someone else fronts im biting my lip waiting to crawl back into front and take me out of here. i stop our social alters from even ATTEMPTING to be social because im too scared of the consequences (even if its just part of life, it rips my soul apart to be rejected, im so tired of being seen as weird)

its honestly kind of impressive, but despite all this fear that ties me down to the floor, i cant i CAN NOT ask if somethings wrong

i cant do it, because thats admitting defeat. thats me saying 'yeah ill be honest im sure nothing has happened on your end, but ive been drowning myself in anxiety and i need validation that my fear is for nothing like how you probably think it is'

i cant keep doing that. i hate being such a piece of work!!!! its never simple with me, everythings always fine until it literally isnt. ive convinced myself my friends, my closest bestest best besties, ALL hate me and ive been so depressed only for them to act completely normal and then i realize oh actually they dont and i was sad for nothing :] okay!

like. i just.

the last time i was ever open about how i was feeling, was when i was in contact with my groomer. i loved him i think, and i felt like i should be open with him, because he was my FP and the amount of crying i did every day was so pathetic

that was when i learned i had bpd and thats why i acted the way i did, and so i tried to be more open about it because i heard that i should and it would be good for my relationships, but all it did was make him tired with me, tired that i was constantly scared and asking if he still liked me

that was a bad time for me, i cant ignore that. being in constant contact with him was basically just giving me trauma every single day. my system was SO active trying to manage the stress, it was bad. i cant just blame myself for how i was acting, because it was a terrible horrible situation that i dont wish on anyone else, but man i wish i did things different

but like?? its like no matter the option i pick, its still the same!!! different outcome but shitty nonetheless

do i open up and tell the people i love that oh actually im really scared and im constantly afraid you dont love me anymore? or do i just. sit with the pain.

if i tell them, best case they tell me 'no dom, we still love you' and thats that, worst case they get annoyed with me, they see me as too much to handle, they pity me because something is clearly wrong with me

if i dont, then i do exactly what i do now, which is just wallowing in self hate and loneliness for 3 whole days, waiting for something thats not gonna happen because i havent fucking COMMUNICATED that i want it

i think technically, being open is the way to go. if i hadnt been stuck in such a shitty situation with a person like BRIAN then i wouldve probably seen better outcome. im open that i have BPD, so people should be aware what theyre getting into. if they stay despite knowing, they care about me, i know this is true. a lot of people book it once they hear you have any sort of cluster-b personality disorder because they immediately assume yr some kind of abuser, so this already is a good thing that i have people open enough to not immediately classify me as one and run

i just get scared like. what if i ask if somethings wrong and something IS wrong?? what if its my fault? id be so ashamed in myself. i dont have enough experience in human interaction to know how to fully like. handle that situation, the unknown outcome is what scares me the most

[thekamukuraproject]

I'm a little obsessed with Kamukura and the idea of him and in a relationship like Kamukoma.

Kamukura is very much a character who's whole tragedy I think is definitely meant to be boiled down to "It's lonely at the top" and that humanity isn't meant to be static. Izuru is taught by his teachers that he is at the top. It's all kind of implied to all Ultimates that they're the best of the best. They're encouraged to keep imporoving but they're absolutely given the implied message that they're at the top, and where else can you go with being at the top? Another mountain to climb? Yeah there's always another mountain but that's mostly a personal exploration, not totally a public thing shown to the masses at all times.

This "self progression" for ultimates is not transcribed to Izuru Kamukura. He is the top. Where else can you where else can you go with being at the top? Another mountain to climb? No! No there is no more mountains to climb for Kamukura! He is at the top and is taught that there is nothing left to work on.

And that's awful! Stagnation in your life, not being able to work on anything because whats the point? You've made it to the top. You're perfect. A part of Izuru's boredom isn't just the with the predictability of the world it's the assumed lack of participation Izuru believes he can have with the world. He has super high school level depression! I say that slightly jokingly but it's absolutely fucking true.

I don't know how many people have experienced depression but I get serious spells of depression when I'm under stimulated and that usually happens when I don't have anything engaging to do or learn. I get what I like to call "depression amnesia". I feel like I genuinely forget everything ever im my whol life I have ever found interesting ornl fun and things I *do* remember being fun in the past don't sound fun to me anymore in that moment. It's a personal example but this is a very real thing that happens to other people as well.

I say this all because in the same chapter. The *very* start of chapter 0 Izuru is comforted by the irregular swaying! He gets *excited* about the swaying of the ship! Explicitly says he didn’t *know* not knowing something was fun! He finds it fun and comforting and thats exciting! and then he talks himself *down* from being happy about it!

Izuru doesn't need his boredom alleviated. Izuru will just gaslight himself into never trusting anything to be able to alleviate his boredom and therefore nothing will not be boring.

What Izuru needs is to be taught things can still be fun even if eventually they grow boring. Things can still be learned! He didn't know how the motion of the waves would throw the boat, he didn't know *everything* about Nagito. Izuru assumes he does know everything about Nagito but all he knows is Ko has cancer :/ That’s nearly entirely it. Didn't know Nagito had luck until the guy dropped multiple hints.

And there is *so* much Izuru doesn't know about Nagito, far far more then his Junko arm or his beliefs in talent at the time or anything. But Izuru has already given up on caring for any of humanity. Izuru assumes all people just want to use them for their talents. Like the doctors in the basement, like junko. Talented or untalentedn they're all parasites wanting to use Izuru's talents.

Here is how the ship works well.

Nagito... isn't like that. He doesn't want Izuru's talents. He doesn't need Izuru's talents. He's not like the people of the world Izuru assumes are all the same. Izuru assumes so *much* it poisons his mind into not finding anything worth interest because the fear of boredom... But imagine a scenario where Izuru is forced to get a bigger picture of Nagito? Learns Nagito doesn't want to use Izuru for his talents but wants to *help*. Learn Nagito sees the hope sleeping inside *Izuru*. Made to be the Ultimate Hope but only used as a tool by others and not cared about like a *human*. Nagito learns about Izuru and Izuru learns about Nagito... And that fear of Nagito growing boring is *there* but Izuru gets to learn and is encouraged to learn about Nagito and about himself and who wouldn't fall in love, slowly but surely, with the first thing he let himself learn and like and find fun or comforting?

Izuru needs the same thing Hajime does at the end of the day. Comfort and encouragement. Unlike Hajime, Izuru doesn't need comfort and encouragement in his identity and place in the world. Izuru needs comfort and encouragement in letting himself find something interesting or worth learning from. And starting with that source of comfort and encouragement to learn about is how the ship works.

It's *absolutely* a soul crushing slow burn of a ship I think but god learning and learning to love life is beautiful and what Izuru needs.

And this isn't even *touching* on the Nagito belief dilemma that would naturally come about with Kamukoma but thats for another post dxdyfudufyc

hii! can i ask what your opinion on Kamukoma is? their dynamic is very different from Hinakoma and i like how the ship showcases two different sides of them, the one usually hidden in Hinakoma or portrayed as the bad past. I think they'd mean a lot to each other and Kamukura would hang out with him just to alleviate his boredom if nothing else.

Hii! Thank you for the ask! I actually thought about this for two full day and still can't figure out an answer. I think it's probably because I really don't understand Kamukura as a character.

I guess we do have a bit of material to work with:

So Kamukura probably won't think of Komaeda as someone interesting enough to alleviate his boredom, would he? I wanna know😫😩 what's your take? What's y'all's take???

Like, I can't imagine Kamukura has someone he cares about or mean much to...?? and that's not to invalidate your opinion anon, it's just I haven't found a reason to convince myself that... yet. Maybe you can help me with it, I'd appreciate that!

[mlynar-nearl]

ur other ocs sound so neat (very gremlin www its adorable) and its neat !! it sounds absolutely adorable !! (i also find it cute that they seem pretty short www but can i rly say that when im barely that much taller)

i love that one u did w audie cos like its like one of my fav tropes when its the Menancing Tall guy whos the trophy husband and audies just The Capable guy like hell yeah!!! ppl dont expect that !!

and ofc doc and kal divorced r always fun ! doc is fun in general cos u can do wtv and u probably arent wrong (ok except maybe mine bcs i want mine to be a kid for cute reasons) but i think the extra ideas u gave them r cool ! like actually giving reasons for them to wear that stuffy ass outfit, thats cool ykyk

oh and speaking of the banshee gremlin bounty hunter i was also thinking of the same (kind of ocs) like a travelling merc/bounty hunter duo (a phidia and sarkaz) who just go around and do jobs but mostly just whatever they want like !! bounty hunting is a tough job but an ez excuse for making ocs (in my case anyways...) and anyways yeah! theyre cool! everyone is cool! i love it u can always talk more abt ur ocs i love them. they r like precious. im cannot decide on the word but. precious. yes. thank u sm </3

hehe, of course! thank you for enjoying all of em :) kal-doc divorce is the cornerstone of my house.

audie's the one i have the most lore about. he is genuinely on many levels a professional trophy husband, it's just that...he also has a ton of skills that he can whip out like a swiss army knife. a swiss army boyfriend? he's good at business, he's incredibly good at originium arts and swinging a big axe (he would basically be a duelist defender but that specializes in arts damage), and he's way more social than both encio and gnosis, so he fills that role in their team comp... all three of them are equally determined and capable and in a way manipulative, but audie is better at obscuring it by being friendly in a way that neither of them quite have down pat. so as much as they were a little weirded out at his appearance in their affairs, they do kind of need him sometimes. i can never quite decide if they're a V, a triad, or if audie just accepts that no matter what he does encio will be a little bit married to gnosis. but either way, they are quite tight when it comes down to it. because audie's family is minor and he's the only living heir, he kind of understood that he could either work his tail off on building a family legacy (a lot of work, a lot of resources, for little guarantee of reward especially since he would never actually be able to go super far) or he could hitch himself to someone with much more pull, and make himself invaluable. he decided to go for the latter, and so he's had very little illusions about how he does have certain roles this way. he has lower standards of behavior for himself and inhibitions in some senses than, say, shealtiel, who is, well, Catholic. he's the one of them who tries to at least get on with Enya but she's leaving him on read because, well, he can be as nice as he wants but he's still her brother-in-law and not even to the sibling she likes.

audie was educated in leithanien, which is how he got so good at arts. the greataxe, i think, is a notable martial art of the fuchsfrost line. foreign education, martial skill, and general good looks are what got him to stand out as an arranged marriage prospect. (aka, he had the least depressing biodata out of every eligible noble single in kjerag.) the meet cute was that he walked in, sat down, and basically said "you need a partner for political reasons because you're now the most powerful man in the nation and you simply can't keep being the keystone of this entire country, because a human keystone can fail. if you select me as your partner, i will be your right hand arm. man. your silly rabbit. do you call me that? it's up to you" and encio was sold enough to fake marriage about it. (then, of course, they realize they get along quite well and have good teamwork and chemistry and uh oh. thinking about the how do i tell my husband i'm in love with him reddit post.)

again this is all really self indulgent but i just quite like it, lmao. it's my oc and i make the rules. i'm cringe, but i'm Free.