#so wht even try
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this close to ending up on the news istfg I'm so overwhelmed with everything and I just realized I misread a project I've been doing for weeks that sets me back and I have a presentation and so much is happening and I feel like I'm hitting gifted kid burnout on top of general burnout and I can't even do 3 tasks a day becwyse of issues nobody wants to believe I have and. God. I want to rest let me rest let me rest please it's only February I want to fucking die
#/lh on that last part im not foing in that direction i just dont know how to articulate how upset and miserable i am#sky rambles#im so done#i wish i could get help#remember that time i had a breakdown and dropped all of my familial issues on my mom and she said “well get you therapy after the holidays”#of dec 2021#i dont feel attachment to anyone in my family. i cant trust them with anything#i told my mom i thought i had adhd and she told me i was roo gifted#so wht even try#im doomed#delete later
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pls help im trapped in build mode
** original build: casa do mar by baelaisa
#wanted to try the joy *f life chllnge but also wanted to play in tartosa and here we are :))) all this for a challenge ill prob abandon in a#WEEK maybe three days tops i hvnt even made the fam yet why am i like this -_- luckily im not going overboard w/ 4598 family members (lie)#im 4(?) days in send gelp SOS!!! wht if i told u i got this idea from watching j*rma play cooking simulator pizza dlc would you stil like me#ok im done now here are the tags why do i never start with the tags#ts4 build#ts4 interior#sims 4#simblr#the sims#s
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Truly hate tiktok tim stans
#go on a vid about Jason’s hill run to say ‘tim is so neglected :(‘#HE GOT EVERYTHING ELSE!#sorry that nobody cares about that Nigga who can’t even take Robin out his name atp#and can we look at WHT they’re giving everyone else lmao#Damian’s stories are ass sorry#giving him the same ass development he’s BEEN getting and trying to make him as tim like as possible#nightwing. hate to say it y’all but it’s BORING#gotham war was trash for everyone involved#and the hill is just what Jason’s getting now#not even including Duke steph and cass#which whenever y’all talk about how much DC hates tim I’ll just point over there#cause let’s be serious#my thing with tim is YES! his writing rn is stagnant#but I in my heart of hearts believe if they gave us a tim run accurate to who he is y’all either wouldn’t read it or call it fanon#unless he’s this badass trying to reblow up the league and being ignored or admired by everyone around him y’all wouldn’t fw it#like y’all don’t want more tim issues y’all want WFA but purely tim centric#y’all want tim in his most manic state possible as base character#like it’s so annoying#bc like I always say I think canon tim is fun#very fun#but fanon tim not only being widely accepted but taken in by canon recently? gross#we’re never gonna a tim with a backbone ever again
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cant tell you how fulfilling and comforting it feels to be in a classroom full of women being lectured by a woman on the work of other women about subjects who are also women like i just got a small taste of what men are experiencing every day of their lives its intoxicating
#and she showed us her own work which was a response to the work of a female victorian novelist#and I got so excited because it reminded me of some other work I've come across lately#that excited me and I couldn't work out why#and it's because it feels like a secret 3rd thing for ways of knowing and academia#instead of either being wholly Within the thing and trying to replace it#or trying to Objectively report on it frm the outside and trying not to infringe on it at all#I cant put into words even but#I think its wht I looooved amy Jeffs work so much#thabk you ezra if youre reading this!!#and like ive been reading abt women's oral storytelling cultures again#and the way it's basically a proto-mixed media approach#and just completely outside of the binary norms of knowing established by both masculine academia and Folk culture#like it feels like a cliche to use this metaphor but women are literally weaving......#and like case in point the way all the roles in that classroom were so blended#it wasn't this obvious static unidirectional subject>observer >lecturer>student paradigm at all#honestly I know it's so easy to be completely hopeless but actually#I'm increasingly so excited about the potential of women to just undermine every single system and paradigm thay even exists#gerda lerner was right about that#but it's also overwhelming how basically everything is founded in patriarchy
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ive said this bfr kinda but one thing abt owl is he may actually be an asshole, but he’s an asshole with points. important distinction
#ie: him thrashing a certain character n their group- even though he’s overly brutal abt it evrything he says n does has a point n ultimately#he calls out each character for their weakness n how theyre like “kids playing dress up”#n outright laughing in their face when they ask for him to join them to defeat [x]#this is basically owl showing how entirely unprepared they r n yeah he may go overboard w it as I said#but he’s also seen firsthand wht [x] can do n is capable of (n listen post event owl has dealt w sm horrid shit so theres tht too)#n he may not be exactly looking out for anyone but fuck if he doesnt at least try in his own way💔 they'll never get u like I do king#anyways. just thinking many thoughts w owl n how he deals w anger tn#oh cop car by mitski we're rlly in it now arent we... (I get mean when im nervous like a bad dog)
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going to work at the tail end of what may very well be a concussion everyone cross ur fingers for me
#head doesn’t hurt anymore it’s my FACE why does my face ache#and the dizzy. i keep trying to shake my hair out of my face and accidentally flash banging myself#my eye doesn’t even look swollen anymore wht does this suck so bad#elliot should shut up challenge#i dropped my water bottle on my face in the middle of the night last week. if anyone is curious LMAO
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Okay stream over and as such no one is safe anymore from my RGGJoposting (sorry in advance), HOWEVER I did want to say...
Of course Mine Himself At Present is the furthest thing from punk, but I believe the reason he has that belt is a nod to Nakamura, who is credited with bringing punk influences to the kabuki scene. (This particular photo was taken years after Y3, but...)
By the way, Nakamura is how I found out there's a lot of stigma against sons of kabuki actors who choose to play roles of a different gender than their fathers. He comes from an established line of onnagata, so it was a big deal for him to choose to play male roles.
Arakawa was a taishu engeki actor rather than a kabuki actor, which is less steeped in tradition than kabuki, so I don't know if it would've been the same for him doing the opposite to Nakamura. But it's Neat to think of it as a concerted choice for him in terms of feeling that strong of a connection to femininity.
oh fuck yeah punk in the kabuki world WORD UP TO THE LEGEND.....
#snap chats#tumblr told me to suck a dick and deleted my response THANKS ASSHOLE#i feel suddenly feel like really sick and tired like oh god what the fuck was in teh chicken my bro got me for lunch heeUGUH#i will muster up my strength to respond tho. god no i feel really sick i gotta hurl but i wont#in any case... i love learning#i wish i could say more but thats all i can say ive always been more of a listener than a speaker#what the ufck was in that shicken oh my fucking god#great to have yo in the inbox. ALWAYS happy to see yo in teh inbox even if im a dumbass soemtimes and words fail me#like right now like how my organs are failing me jesus lord#i will try to speak.. i can see peop#ok no i cant i dont hve the brain capacity right now forgive me#the enviroment surrounding 'cross dressing' in theater is. a topic#a topic im too stupid and sick for BUT IT IS ONE.#i know men would play as women in western plays since women werent allowed to act for a long ass while#uhhh wht am i tryig to say#oh like. like the role is 'necessary' like men would need to play women cause we aint got women#but that doesnt mean its a 'respectable' position#do we get what im sayig ?? good god i hope so. im dying.#first it was too cold now im too warm but i cant tell if thats from shame my house or the hoodie i put on#ok my head hurt BYE#soryr im stupid
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mitski was so right in saying if i gave up on being pretty i wouldnt know how to be alive
#literally only reaason i am still going i just need one person on this planet to think i am pretty#or even think i dont look like a monster/animal/subhuman#i cant tell anymore idek wht i see when i look into the mirror#its actually so over for me#i really do try to not take these comments from them to heart bc they are fundamentally trying to break me but.#it is working i fear#only thing keping me going is spite#inshallah my cousin will never get married. and her supposed beauty over me is her claim to fame so. karma will get its way im sure#but at some point i may genuinely kms to be very honest.#anyways it has set me back so much im considering wearing makeup tomorrow after all
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what the hell
#ok not to be rude but#i sort of cant handle the depression perhaps anymore like it is unending#i dont understand why god cant just give me theability to reanimate the dead or perhaps just do it himself#i miss the little guy i kind of dont know what to even do#i feel stupid bc i feel like its like....people dont really perhaps i just dont think people are that cool about talking abt grief#esp about pets..like#i feel silly for being so depressed but i also cant perhaps handle it#the self loathing is really hitting a peak this week idk like#where do ie ven go from here is my thought i guess i dont really want to be alive or do anything i just miss him so much#he was so sweet and small#i keep getting served videos about like senior 20 yr old cats being surrendered to shelters and like#im so mad like id do anything to have gotten 2 more years with him wht the fuck are you giving them up for#what the hell#its frustrating because ir eally dont want to be comforted or even spoken to about this im just like mad#mad and bargaining clearly i forget what stages those are#depressed yet pissed off also like what the fuck did he do to deserve this it was so fucking fast#cherish your fucking pets. treasure every fucking day#ugh#maybe ill try a different kind of eating again for awhile tbh lets see what thats like in the new context of living w regan#its hard bc its human nature to criticize and correct i think so its hard to feel like i have the space to do what i want? bc of that....#idk idk
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not me feeling unstable because my doctor is ghosting me about refilling my mood stabilizers
#like wow thanks this is so productive#thots et al#i have no idea whts gonna happen if i have to stop taking them!! lol!!!!#right around christmas too!!!#literally sent 3 refill requests and left 2 voicemails#no one has picked up the phone#whatever i guess#just makes me wonder why i even try#is all
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i actually cant do this
#im literally the dumbest person i know#everyone else works so much harder and they get so much done#even the way they talk is motivated even if they say its not#everyone is so smart and im slow and cant get anything done correctly or on time#i wish i got straight a's i wish i had something to prove myself#all i have to go on is numbers that dont even matter because nobody takes them#im just some lazy piece of shit who happens to be good at test taking#i dont know anything#im failing my clasdes again#i can barely keep myself above a 3.0#how much time will it take to get me fixed ???? everyone says its a slow process and you have to find what works for you#but i dont know what works for me and neither does anybody else#every therapist i talk to is at a loss w wht to do with me#am i trying ??? am i worse off than i thought????#i tell myself i can function like anyone else but i cant even prove that#im undeserving of what i have#i get stressed when anythinf good happens to me whrn other people would kill for this opportunity#God strike me down ive wasted my years here i cant keep this up#i ddont deserve the painful death i want#Haha okay im over it
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oh my goddddd early days tom cruise films make me feel something entirely different its something the scientists havent discovered yet
#its not even that i find him attractive although he is sort of pretty in an eyebrows kind of a way but he plays the roles so rigid#and#im half convinced he doesnt know how to act he just loves being in front of a camera#but there is always some sort of intricate rituals homoeroticism and natural domesticity about the movies#hold up i need to google if jerry bruckheimer made the outsiders#theres just something so verile about the way the men are portrayed in that kind of Romantic action#prepostmodern james bond kind of action movie if that makes sense#early fast and furious has it too but grittier#transformers but the 1986 animated version#like what is that genre of classic golden age american propoganda and theatrical rock mixed with tragedy and heroism? girl idk wht im sayin#guys im so freakin pissed that narcos white guy whats his name boyd holbrook ?? was a blatant paul walker rip off but now ive watched#top gun now i understand he is also a goose rip off#like stop trying to make more media like this we've progressed past the need for reviving romanticising the 70s in what is obviously just-#romanticising the 50s....#america* btw if thats not clear#guys i hate contemporary american media and i hate the hyperconsumerism and i hate the oversaturation of the market but#dear lorrdddd something about that whole being a man with an attitude just living his life and the story is just about a guy and his bros#and of course there is obvious sexism and exclusionism <333 but this is fiction so!#just a guy and his bros ! what more could u want#plus the fuckin pre-digital age transparency between creator and art is pretty sweet#i miss watching a movie and being able to enjoy it as a viewer and not a cynical judge on the methods and ethos of what goes in#like i just dont care and its vicariously thrilling#maybe its an esoteric lack of pop culture#top gun
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Keep thinking of the yakuza “fantheory” that crack and meth are very common in the series but we dont see it because kiryu just doesnt know about it
#Yakuza loveblog#and nishikiyama will kill people who try to offer drugs to his brother#and majima stopped doing crack when he got his own family so he never got to invite kiryu into the tiny bathroom to do drugs together#like what if they were just literally high and kiryu is like woah this person is behaving erratically. must have woke up wrong#i keep saying this but i believe that nishiki is clearly the more competent brother betwen them. of course they both have their strengths#which allowed kiryu in particular to shine but long before that nishiki was doing far better than him#and it Showed. my guy had his own car and a bustling social life and a life plan thinking ten steps ahead and kiryus like. i beat up a guy#for twenty dollars just now and i will continue to do so. like this man is not earning money for his family or himself#but he is very very adaptable to life and desth situations which not a lot of people can say and the fact rhat he keeps surviving makes him#seem very impressive but thats literally cause the story is about him#nishikiyama is more competent but kiryu absolutely cannot be killed and together they would have been unstoppable#i really think they have a perfect dynamic. like nishiki and kiryu ... then majima and saejima. they make two perfect pairs#also it turns me into a crazy person to think bout majima not swearing an oath with literally anybody because he was waiting for saejima to#come back ... he really saved a spot for him in his heart ... because like hes irreplacable to him because he loves him ..!!!!!#i just love two bros who know each other so well and will kill for each other#which makes me laugh because again when saejima saw that majima died in the news he had a fucking moment and then acted like he didnt give a#shit like he wasnt even mad he was just like man ... wht the hell ... and kiryu got so pissed that he punched something
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[googles rebel news]
#wynn speaks#not surprised or disappointed#dude wasn't even a reporter . on some conservative!buzzfeed ass ''reporting''#explains why his questions weren't even questions so much as they were just trying to get outrage or reactions or wht the fuck ever
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on a less posi note i got another call from my doctors office saying 'oh can u come in today or tomorrow for ur labs? u had one done 3 months ago and u RLY need to get this checked/compared to that one!!' and its like. i talked to a nurse on the phone abt that appointment LAST WEEK!! (it was supposed to be this last monday) telling her that my insurance got cancelled and i absolutely had to cancel that appointment bc i cant pay for the 1. walk in fees without any copay 2. and the labs pay on top of that. the fact they called me again abt it rly did kinda upset me its like. i Know You Think I Need This But It Feels Like You Just Want Money. and did not listen to me the first time we talked abt this, last week!!! and making it sound so Urgent AFTER i said i cant afford it just freaked me out like They Have In Their Files that I have anxiety so Why Did they DO That. After I said I Cannot Come! and i felt rly embarrassed over the whole thing having to be like 'ya i cant afford it' even tho ik thats a reality for a lot of ppl besides myself yk. lol (': basically the Mood today is fuck the american health care system (hint: that is the Mood everyday)
#like why didnt the nurse i talked to last week from there make a note of it or smth??#i didnt say 'ill reschedule'!! i said 'i need to cancel that and prob wont be able to come again anytime soon'!!! LIKE...#THAT DOES NOT MEAN CALL AGAIN AND TRY TO TALK ME INTO COMING.......im AWARE i prob need to get it tested but#at the same time if i did get money id put it towards my debt not medical stuff to put me into MORE debt like HELLO. sorry!#or even just put it towards my pets lol!!!#quite frankly if i do have hyperthyroid issues i dont want to know i changed my mind <3 stop calling me <3#i simply do not see it (any new medical or mental issues) I have enough i am not able to manage as it is so! no thank you!!#sanchoyorambles#medical talk#<- ik some ppl get upset at medical stuff so blacklist that#im just still embarrassed and mad at myself for wht happened at that last job bc i couldve had insurance on part time. and it was a Easy Jo#with fucking free food and 4-5 hour shifts maximum.#but nooo. i freaked out and quit after (1) day. Very cool thank you past me 👍
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i also thought about. emet showing up in living memory while hilde would be walking around helping people & such, & the one to walk up to them being ere.nville who doesnt really know anything abt him or anything. but emet hasnt changed his appearance yet so its possible ere.nville has seen depictions of him during his time in sharlayan who knows. either way hes a random Living Person in living memory who hilde clearly knows... & its complicated to explain. but i think itd be interesting to have them talk. they have very little in common but emet Knows a lot so i feel like they could talk about animals as much as emet probably winces a bit abt it bc well his experience with creatures in big detail... looks at elpis. looks away. ultimately itd be fun to have him keep the secret that emets alive too. hes not even involved. but it means he & hilde can bond moreeee bc hes putting a big amount of trust in him there
#ffposting#hildemet#sorry you got dragged into this ere.nville. its because i love you#krile has definitely at the very least Seen what solus looks like so prob a bad pick for person who finds out first since shes a scion#& raha um. Well. umm. uh. well. you know.#la.maty'i would also be interesting. but i feel like shed find out way sooner bc emet kinda just Shows up during dt#& theres a lot of bits where youre just running around w her so shed probably know way before#oh yeah hold on#dawntrail spoilers#but also this means this post is gonna end up in the dt spoilers tag. UFGHHH. whatever if you see this there dont worry abt my wolship#but yeah im thinking probably in yok tural honestly... & they wouldnt hide what hes done but i dont think shed take issue too much#based on her reactions to. everything. i think shed take hildes word for it & try to include emet in stuff to try & get to know him#like how she doesnt forgive bak.ool ja ja but shes not like mad at him. & how shes not mad at zor.aal ja anymore either. or sph.ene#& she still tries to reach out to the latter two. & is actively friendly w the former now & wants to get to know him#shes just kind-hearted like that. i know shed want emet to open up. & he might even indulge her bc shes such a ray of sunshine#would remind him of lachesis. & well. hilde does see himself in her but in a 'hes lachesis' way rather than 'hes hilde' way#they both see lachesis' friendliness & faith in others in her. also the silly stuff. shes a lot healthier than him tho thankfully god#so yea i do think emet would like her. its like lachesis got a younger sister for real. oh god#wht if she was a shard of an ancient who was lachesis' younger sibling fuckkkkk. stares at the wall
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