#so maybe ill make some progress on this issue soon

[atthecrossroadsoflifeanddeath]

I think it's time I admit that the reason I have such a hard time seeing the world in magical ways these days, and such a hard time doing ritual and magic and connecting with the gods and nature, is because I'm depressed. A month or two of disconnection can be chalked up to being busy and tired. A year of only being able to muster energy for my non-negotiable responsibilities (parenting, housework, college), and grappling with severe existential fear and constant day to day anxiety only temporarily stopped from turning into panic via medication, is not a dip in my practice, it's a huge obstacle. Yes I have occasional moments of being genuinely happy and/or content... but they feel so few and far between.

[icewindandboringhorror]

................ he 

[gravytrainnaturebornn]

the power of self-talk in the fight against self-sabotage (for binge-eaters and ppl who have never been skinny🫶)

disclaimer: this is not proana. this is for people who struggle with binge eating as a form of self-sabotage, emotional comfort, self harm, etc. overeating can cause just as much harm physically and mentally as undereating. please be safe. now, on with the show!

weight loss, but specifically extreme weight loss, equals change. change equals discomfort, so people tend to subconsciously avoid change. this is why starting to see progress on the scale or your body can trigger the urge to self-sabotage that progress and binge eat.

for people who have been big their whole lives, that fear is heightened by the fact that being thin is completely uncharted territory. by following through, youre entering a new world that youve never navigated before. your brain might get scared, say its much too big a mountain to climb, and tell you to give up. its easier to say fuck it because for most people, unhappiness is a comfort zone. if youre used to hating your body and wanting it to change, then actually *changing* it poses a very serious threat to your comfort and the lifestyle youre used to.

questions like: "what if i reach my goal and im still unhappy/unattractive?" "what if i dont look like myself?" "what if i reach my goal, cant sustain it, and then i gain it all back and humiliate myself?" can all make someone feel anxious about succeeding in their weight loss journey. and for people with overeating issues, this is a big trigger for binge episodes.

so how do you combat this instinct to self sabotage? well, im not a psychologist so take this with a grain of salt, but for me it helps to soothe these subconscious fears and train the brain to fight these urges. self-talk and thought-correction play a HUGE role in rewiring the pathways in your brain that lead you to bingeing. truly, practice and consistency are the only things that are going to cause a big change, so stick with it !

correcting problematic thoughts *immediately* when they form is key to preventing problematic behavior in the future, and that starts with being able to identify those thoughts. the moment you catch yourself thinking about food, cut yourself off with a correction. maybe even think about food on purpose a few times to practice recognizing and correcting it.

for example, if you just ate an hour ago, chances are youre not actually hungry yet. tell yourself that as soon as you realize youre thinking about food. i like to tell myself "i dont need to eat, and im not gonna sabotage myself by eating that." by acknowledging it and calling it what it is--literally an attack, by my brain, on my own progress--i immediately attach a sense of accountability to the actions that follow. there's no deniability. its no longer a passive choice. theres no mindless eating or "i wasnt thinking about it." if i eat after acknowledging the act of eating as self-sabotage, then that is me *actively* choosing self-sabotage over self-control. accountability alone can change a lot if you let it.

what i tell myself changes depending on the situation, but i find that repeating some of these phrases throughout the day helps to fight urges in general, and certain ones help for specific cravings and situations.

below are some examples of things i tell myself that have helped me fight the urge to self sabotage. they dont all have to be true when you first say them, the point is training your brain to think a certain way. it may feel unnatural at first, but the more you say them the more natural it becomes, until eventually it becomes apart of the way you actually think and you dont have to work so hard at it. remember: consistency. is. key.

okay ill stop blabbing! here:

•i allow myself to be thin.

•i accept the change that comes with losing weight.

•i am ready to see myself differently and cope with any complicated feelings that may come with it.

•i am prepared for my body to change.

•i will deal with my wardrobe when the time comes, and im not afraid of dressing differently for my new body.

•i will adjust to my new dietary needs and appetite when i reach my goal weight. i will not always be hungry; eating less will be my new normal, and i will be okay.

•i am not afraid of being hungry.

•food does not comfort me, nor does it solve my problems or make me feel better.

•i am ready to navigate a life that looks different to the one im living now.

•i am not afraid of reaching my goal. if i do feel afraid, i am confident in my ability to work through difficult feelings and continue towards my goal.

•im not going to sabotage myself by eating that.

•i accept that people will perceive me differently, and i am ready to navigate that change.

•i am prepared to receive comments about my weight loss.

•i am not afraid of getting what i want.

•i believe i deserve what i want, and im dedicated to working towards getting it.

•i am capable of adapting to new routines and habits.

•fear is not a reason to give up, and i will continue to work even if the possibility of change makes me uneasy.

•i am prepared to face the future, even though i do not know what it looks like.

•i allow myself to make mistakes, and i will not use them as an excuse to quit.

•my long-term satisfaction is more important than what i want in this moment.

•i am in control of my actions and i am capable of resisting the urge to binge.

•i allow myself to have the body i desire.

•i allow myself to change.

•i allow my life to look different and i am not afraid to see a new person in the mirror.

•i am excited to reach my goal, and prepared to navigate any changes that come with it.

•i am ready to meet and introduce others to the new me.

[skyberia]

[Knocking on ur door] hi I’m interested in nephos. What’s this abt a death curse?

[SLAMS THE DOOR OPEN] hiii omg [GRABS YOU BY THE COLLARS] GET IN HERE RIGHT NOW

so, for starters, their general Tragic Backstory goes something like:

néphos was born cursed, or was cursed really shortly after birth.

their parents abandoned them basically immediately after they were born, presumably because they didn't want to deal with a Literal Cursed Child (or maybe because they had something to do with it…?)

by the time he was found by another person, he was nearly completely overtaken by this curse, his body almost entirely covered in these dark marks shaped like tendrils.

luckily the person who found him was a good samaritan-- a kind old halfling cleric who took them in and decided to try her best to help them, whatever the cost.

she couldn't find a way to dispel the curse through the usual means. hard to when you don't even know what the hell you're dealing with, she's never seen anything like this before

it's obvious that she's running out of time though, and that if something wasn't done soon they'd die. so she did the only thing she could think to do, which was buy them time.

ultimately she managed to take the curse and "isolate" it to his left eye, rendering it blind and darkened, but effectively slowing down its progress and making it so he could at least have a proper chance at living!

however doing this took a Lot out of her, basically seeping her of nearly all of her energy and magic and rendering her really weak and sickly as a result.

she managed to care for and raise them for a few years, but when they were a child still she became too ill to continue doing so and had to be taken for basically permanent care at a local house of healing, leaving them to fend for themselves in the streets.

thankfully what she did was pretty effective, making it so the worst they had to deal with (curse wise. they still had a pretty rough time in other aspects) for the first like two decades of their life was weird looks and a lack of depth perception.

but then one day he looks in the mirror and finds dark marks coming out of their left eye, reminding them that all that was done was just a measure to Slow Down the progress of the curse, and that he's still bound to succumb to it someday soon...

he tries to look for cures, goes to every curse specialist he can find, then to whatever expert cleric or wizard that's around, and none of them can even tell him what the curse even is. nobody's ever seen anything like it, and so obviously nobody has any fucking clue how to get rid of it!

so eventually they just give up. accept the fact that their lifespan is going to be significantly shorter than most other elves, that they're going to suffer a horrible and unknown fate at some point, and decide to just make the most out of whatever time they do have left

and that's it :) that's their whole deal. he then spends the rest of his days in baldur's gate fucking around and narrowly escaping finding out, placing bets on what'll get to him first the authorities or the curse, Except that's not what happens at all and instead they get abducted by mind flayers and get a tadpole inserted in their brain, and when they next manage a glimpse in the mirror Oh! Lol! the curse's suddenly spreading a lot faster than before huh! but they can't spend too long worrying about that because they suddenly have a bunch of new friends with a lot of problems and issues that are more pressing than his own and on top of that the world's falling apart and they're the only ones who can save it and Oh, uh, he just nearly died in combat and somehow that made the marks from the curse worse, and it's kind of starting to react weirdly with his lightning magic? and-- hey, you know now that you mention it, his whole life he just went along with this story his mother figure told him about his origins but the more he thinks about it the more holes he finds in it and it starts making less and less sense, and ha ha haa haaaaaaaa

(insert the whole companion questline i made up for them here. in order to not keep both of us here all day and also immediately contradict all the information i just gave you and overcomplicate everything, the really short version is: the woman he thought saved his life lied. Among other things)

anyway. Some other general things about them:

their full name is néphos huan

they're 54 years old

they don't know this but they're like elf mixed-race. their father was a sun elf, and their mother was a drow. he gets the red eyes (...eye...) and grey hair (and the penchant for ruthlessness, probably) from his mom.

their "job" pre-events essentially consisted of them seeking out people with issues and offering to help sort them out, for a price. Usually a quite high one.

he has a sort of reputation around baldur's gate as someone who can "solve any problem with a snap of their fingers!" because of this, which kind of makes him sound like a djinni. he is not. it just turns out that a lot of problems can be solved by frying whoever's causing them with a concentrated lightning storm lol

they're really reckless. i cannot understate this. At every turn they will see something that has a high chance of killing them (but that has some potential reward) and they will run straight at it. This was already a problem before but the tadpole makes it SO much worse

he's a real "what's in it for me?"/"where's my reward?" type bitch. refuses to do anything without knowledge that there will be some type of compensation for him at the end. This is a fine attitude to have and definitely doesn't have consequences that carry over to his personal relationships making them more difficult than they should otherwise be

i could go on for ages longer abt their general dynamics with the other characters and also their fake companion quest and so on but i will . leave it here for now. Thank you for asking. i love you

[lucianalight]

Hi! I'm back :) after another long hiatus😅 I have missed all of you❤️

First of all a huge thank you to everyone who were worried and asked about my health and how I was doing. I wasn't doing well tbh. I'm one of those people who had the misfortune of never quite recovering from covid. I already had one chronic illness that was messing up my life and health. Having another on top of that takes a lot of physical, emotional and mental toll and limits my energy greatly. So I needed time to get used to my new reality and condition and learn to how manage it and live with it. It's still a work in progress and doctor appointments are seeming endless but at least some meds are helping. So there's that.

You probably already know the second reason why I wasn't doing well. I've seen terrible things…And you need time to process them. To grieve, to deal with trauma and survivor's guilt, and nurture your anger and keep fighting, keep resisting…

And well, internet connection still sucks so using social media is kind of an ordeal :D

There were a lot of times that I wanted to come back on tumblr but every time some issue would come up and take my motivation and energy. Then two weeks ago, after I couldn't crush the little ray of hope that maybe this time I'm going to see sth I like, I started watching season 2 of Loki. I watched it while promising myself that I'm not going to care anymore if it's bad, reminding myself that I might see sth as bad as season 1. Still I was surprised that I didn't hate it. On the contrary there were moments that were entertaining and even enjoyable. And those moments were more than the ones I dislike. It was better than season 1 and admittedly that's a low bar since I consider S1 one of the worst tv shows I've ever seen, but there were noticeable changes in pace and tone of the narrative and characterization in S2. Some issues in S1 was addressed. Loki was actually the main character of his series and got to do badass magic stuff :D The characters were flesh out and three dimensional and likable(I love OB so much :D). There was no romance. The ending was great.

There were of course things I didn't like. Removing Loki's backstory and his issues with his family from the story is one of them. How some of his moments in past was addressed. The episodes at times got boring or very predictable. There were times that Loki was ooc or comedic moments that weren't delivered well.

It wasn't perfect but at least acceptable. And probably the best Loki content we got since TDW. And I liked the ending a lot. I found myself keep going back to rewatch some scenes. I found myself analyzing the content happily. I had things to say. So here I am :D basically I'm 100% back to my Loki bs and I'm making it everyone's problem :P

Whether you loved the series or hated it, you're welcome on my blog and you're welcome to send me your opinions and engage with me in discussions and metas. I will tag posts accordingly in case you want to avoid certain content(tbh I still don't know what the new tags will be because I haven't written anything yet but I will make a post when I do).

There will be posts of some new fandoms so block their tags if you don't want to see those posts. The new fandoms are Sandman tv show(I haven't finished the comics so plz don't spoil them for me), Wednesday, My Hero Academia, Shadow and Bone, and The Bifrost Incident.

As I mentioned above I'm dealing with multiple chronic illnesses and have a limited energy each day. I will try to answer your messages, comments and asks as soon as I can but it might take a long time. Sry about that.

And finally a warm welcome to all the new followers and thanks to everyone who are still following me❤️

[wallabywhump]

I have a couple of asks in my inbox asking about the next update for "you still have my heart (i'll get it back)" and I don't want anyone to feel like I'm ignoring them, I just wasn't really sure how to reply for a minute.

I do have a status update, but it may not make everyone feel happy LOL

Trigger warning: mild medical stuff/chronic illness discussion and maybe a TMI/oversharing life update? LOL I'll put it under a cut so y'all can avoid it.

TL;DR/avoiding the trigger, for under the keep reading:

I've got a lot of hand pain at the moment due to a chronic illness, and have been struggling to write at the moment. So, I can't put a date on when the next chapter will be out.

Also, I'm going to be splitting the next chapter into two, to aid in it getting done. I promise I am trying to get it done as soon as possible. (Major apologies for the cliffhanger and delayed chapter!)

Please keep poking me in the inbox/@'s/dms though! It reminds me that people are looking forward to it and keeps the motivation there when my pain levels make me want to stop 💙💙

**

A few months ago I stumbled head first into a major flare up of my autoimmune disease and degenerative joint condition. Which usually doesn't mean much to me, I take medicine and the swelling goes down and I'm a mostly functional (if in more pain than usual) human being.

Unfortunately, this medicine hasn't helped. My fingers already have deformities to them, and they are getting worse to a noticable degree.

(If anyone finds this kind of stuff interesting, the deformities of my hands are: boutonniere deformity in three of my fingers, mallet finger in two of my fingers, a developing swan neck in a finger, hitchhiker thumb on both hands. Then, a joint spacing issue called "ulnar drift" which is where the fingers on the hand deviate towards the 'ulnar' i.e. bending 'outwards', my three outer most fingers on my right hand do this. Additional to this, I have permanent and progressive subluxation, a partial dislocation, of my wrists. These have developed over years, not just in this flare up, but sometimes people find them cool so thought I'd share!)

I had an appointment with my specialist mid last week, and found out I was meant to be getting a treatment of steroids into my joints a few weeks ago (when I raised increased pain concerns) but it wasn't done/they never gave me an appointment and moved me down the clinic list.

The need for this treatment has increased urgently with the decreased joint spacing in my MCP joints (that's just a fancy way of saying my fingers are moving/the joints are becoming more deformed.) However, even 'urgent' is still a few weeks wait.

My fingers and wrist, in the mean time, have been swelling to high heck and locking and being so painful I can't move them 😭😭😭

Again, this is usually not an issue for me, because I push through owwies all the time. But at my appointment last week, my specialist warned me that as a ~spry young person~ needing to have my fingers fused would not be fun, and I've already had my left wrist fused two years ago, so I probably want to avoid needing that.

All that to say, I can't really write at the moment, not consistently. It's sending some radiating pain up my arm and just generally not been fun.

This isn't my only chronic condition, unfortunately, it's just the one giving me the most grief at the moment lol.

On top of that, I have a...fairly busy family life at the moment, by the time I'm sitting down at the computer, ready and able to write, I'm just exhausted and in too much pain to really think about my long fic.

I'd been struggling with that pain for a couple weeks, and just pushing through to write because I enjoy writing, and I enjoy writing 9-1-1 fic specifically and I've not been so inspired to write for a while. But after being slapped with a long distance broom by some of my friends, I've taken it to heart and am taking it easy.

ON THE NOTE of the fic, the next chapter I had originally planned to be my final chapter, but I hit over 15k words of WIP on that chapter and a 'scene change' in true 9-1-1 fashion. I realised that I would be better off splitting it into two. So, it will most likely go up to 5 chapters? 2 more for the resolution, and then an epilogue.

I am prioritising my hand health, but I'm working on it at a slower pace, bit by bit. When I have the energy and the pain is lower, I'm writing down a few hundred words or just sitting to reread what I've got and working it out.

So, it's still being worked on (I haven't abandoned it and I'm not intentionally leaving you on a cliffhanger - I have loved seeing that everyone loved it/hated me for making them sad LOL, makes me so happy) just perhaps I'm better off not putting a date on it getting done because of how unpredictable my hands are at the moment.

Feel free to keep poking me in the inbox or sending me DMs about it! Or if people want to yell about it at me/want me to yell at them about it, I really appreciate it. I get so excited when I see any mention of it, because it's a reminder that even if I'm taking literally forever on the next chapter, people are looking forward to it and still want to read it.

(Thank you absolutely everyone for the love on the fic, it's been so overwhelming 💙💙💙 I'm working on the next chapter as quickly as possible!)

[hashtagdrivebywrites]

Hello, yes, howdy, welcome to...

✨Hashtag's Fic Masterlist✨

A little about me:

She/her pronouns

I write and sometimes make art

Here is my Ao3!

Asks are open! or you can drop me a message if you want to

I like ask games, but I might be late or accidentally lose track of them before I can respond to them (whoops!)

I'm into a lot of stuff so this blog/page/black hole will be a mixed bag of fandoms

[Updated June 28, 2024] - Fic links below:

Published, In Progress:

Imprint (DPxDC) (Baby G.K. Danny, Halfa Dad Jason, Fright Franklin Pickle Girl Knight, oddball co-parents, attempted qpr relationship) 6/28: In progress! <3 There's a lot happening so it needs some extra TLC before it's ready to post.

Meandros (AC: 3 x AC: Odyssey) (Time travel/Reincarnation, Kid Desmond, OC's, Deimos!Kassandra, dumb mercenaries with a big bro/dad complex, Desmond "I'm Done" Miles) 6/28: In progress <3 Will hopefully be a double update with Imprint!

Published, Complete:

As Long as Stars are Above You (TMNT (mostly Bayverse and Next Mutation)) (Family Fluff, Surprise Baby Acquisition, Good Big Bros, Momma April) 15 Chapters; 39k words; Sequel in progress

Our Mother Breathed Fire (GOT) (Dragon POV, kind of a character study? I don't know) 1 Shot; 2k words

Your Blood That I Bleed (AC 1, 2 & 3) (Family of Choice, Immortality, Cat Dad Desmond, Assassin Dads) 10 Chapters; 74k Words

"In The Drawer" - On Hiatus until I can give it the attention it needs:

A Place For Us (Batman (mostly Arkham Knight)) (Families of Choice, Kids, Adoption, Bat Fam coming back together) 4/12: My first fic on Ao3 and it's been set aside for a complete overhaul because there's no structure/direction and there's a lot of issues with how I was writing/presenting the characters.

Unpublished, In Progress:

And Longer Still If I Can - sequel to As Long As Stars Are Above You (TMNT) (Family and Found Family, Kid Fic, Adventure Fic, Larval Form Mutanimals) 6/28: On pause!

Red Devil Rowdy (title may change; DPxDCxSDxSPN) (Paranormal Mystery/Detective Fic, Family Reveal, Identity Reveal) 6/28: In progress <3 Drafting the first five chapters before posting!

And Still You Stand, Sturdy and Smelling of Smoke (DC x Spider-man) (Peter Parker Fist Fights the League, Catatonic Jason, Hyper Independent Tim) 6/28: On pause!

[I do What I do Best] Because I'm Illing and Able! (title may change; DSxTMNT) (Time Travel, Older Turtles (21), Mom Friend April, Gratuitous Use of "Bro", "Dude" and "Yo") 6/28: Renamed (maybe? lmfao); Five chapters drafted and being edited! Will be published in the same update w/ Imprint 13 and Meandros 13!

Holy War is On The Phone (DPxMHA/BNHA) (Ghost Prince Danny, Undercover Investigation, Fake Family, Pissed Off Danny) 6/28: On pause!

Redline (DCxMHA/BNHA) (Robin!Jason, Jason has the Metagene, Accidental Dimension Travel, Pro-Heroes/Older Class 1-A) 6/28: On pause! (Recently fallen head over heels into a Star Wars hyperfixation, which has naturally spawned a bunch of WIP's of its own, so expect some content soon (6/28))

[the-winters-prince]

Ngl the fact that no one calls out the fact that Lleu almost died like a few months ago is very frustrating, it was so off-putting like goddamn everyone expected him to bite the dust, were the funeral precessions in order at that point? Was the kingdom aware that they would be losing an heir before he even became an adult?? What was Lleu feeling??? Fucking terrified you'd think

"Lleu is not fit to rule" maybe because he was trying to SURVIVE??? It's implied he was sick since childhood like that's a real LONG DAMN TIME, AND THEN HE BECOMES A SLAVE FOR A BIG PART OF HIS YOUNG ADULTHOOD, DOES NO ONE SEE THE ISSUE HERE

I could rant on and on but like, what do you think?

A headcanon of mine is that his father's subjects loved Lleu like they would love a saint who is approaching his impending martyrum. Like a village that spoils a sacrifical lamb that is meant to be slaughtered on the altar of their church the next day. He is seeing heaven soon, already he is hallucinating a choir of angels, doesn't that make him somewhat holy? It's as if they had a piece of heaven with them. Like they had a precious gift to send off to god and had to make sure it was in the best condition possible lest they anger the gods. I imagine the funeral processions were in full progress. Lleu sensed that everyone had given up on him at some point, they expected him to die and they acted as if they were looking forward to it. They were making a spectacle of his death. It caused him to fight more determined against his illness.

I'm sure he was sad, bitter and disappointed in his father for being such a coward who is unable to face his son in such a condition and prefers to run from home and hide until the ugly part was over. Artos wanted to keep the image of his cheery, happy, healthy, bright heir burned in his mind forever and not the empty shell of his dreams that Lleu had become.

Don't remind me :( Lleu's life is so sad. He spend his entire childhood in sickbed, then is poisoned by his aunt, then his brother betrays him and poisons him too, not even a year passes after their reconcilation when his family his murdered in the battle of Camelan and he spends the next 7 years of his life in slavery. He didn't even have two happy years with his brother! He spend more years in slavery than with his family! Although he was a prince, he lived like a bird in a gilded cage, the freedom he got and the happiness he felt were all short-lived. And when he is reunited with his brother again, he finds out Medraut has a new family. Goewin's and Medraut's lives went on without him. Goewin is on her way to become the ruler of an empire and Medraut has two children. Meanwhile Lleu lived a life in servitude where he was treated lesser than a woman, lesser than a bastard. It's as if their destinies were reversed.

[skadream]

happy ummm 8th month on t? (9th if i were actually on t continuously but i ran out for a month that one time) i used to do monthly t updates on tiktok but i dont rlly feel like doing that rn so i'll yap about it here (its actually wild how little stuff i have about my transition on my tumblr generally speaking? as if this isnt the website that transed my gender in the first place)

it really is hard to notice such gradual changes from month to month, especially if its just me lookin at myself, compared to seeing a doctor in person which, i am getting rx'd T thru telehealth currently as my nearest planned parenthood or even a neighboring one does not actually do gender affirming care which is. insane and whack. esp when i do live in a pretty populated county maybe second or third to nyc and albany area. and i have to call in to a pp THREE HOURS BY TRANSIT from me. but like, its been working for now ok!

mentally and emotionally ive been very up and down overall but i think thats largely due to my medication changes rather than hormones. ALTHOUGH. when i ran out for a month in november and my period came back... dude it was so horrible like genuinely the worst period of my life. its one of those things where i didnt realize just how dysphoric something could make me feel until i had a taste of being able to alleviate said dysphoria. so mentally speaking testosterone is probably pulling the mental train even more than the wellbutrin lol. and im trying not to account too much for circumstance/environment cuz like OBVIOUSLY if things were going smoothly for me there a lot of my emotional issues would be at least somewhat relieved, but im working with what i got.

physically, since starting t in july i have lost weight. at first i was very scared it was my medication, and i think a part of it was at least a little, like two of my meds can cause some weight loss, but i am no longer losing weight in a concerning way but just yknow the regular amount of daily fluctuation. so i do think a lot of my weight loss was due to hormones just shifting around my fat and all that, or something idk lol. everyones so diff with hormones, i know some trans guys gain weight on t and not necessarily from muscle training, i know girls on e who have lost weight without any changes to diet or exercise, it really depends so as always, this is just my experience etc etc

i do have more facial hair but its still quite patchy, i think i might start filling in my stache tho. with my shitty goatee, its not my fav so i shave it off when im not just sitting inside all day, but also idk it makes my chin feel less. round. or smth. i do always think of my one friend telling me ill look like the lead singer of a nü metal band and honestly maybe i should start giving that energy more anyway! embrace goatee lifestyle!

oh yeah my voice dropped in like the first two months and has gotten deeper since, and on timtom i talked a lot about wanting to maintain the vocal range i had pre-t? i dont think thats fully possible like i think the highest notes i used to reach are just inaccessible to me, but i think if i did some like vocal singing warmups i can get back up to reach those higher notes. in retrospect the way ive sung my whole life has actually prob been destructive on my voice, partly from lack of proper training and partly intentionally trying to sound deeper and more gravelly, but now that i can access deeper sounds more naturally i really do wanna work on singing in a better way where i can reach some of those notes.

overall yea im liking whats happening so far, i do wish it was happening faster but i understand that some people dont get the progress ive gotten for like, YEARS, and new progressions will be happening to me for years after today. if you think about "real" puberty, it is a gradual shift its not like you suddenly grow a chest as soon as you Bleed or whatever its different for literally every person and since im the only one in my family that i know of who has done this, im kind of a guinea pig. but like im okay with that! anyway yeah really recommrnd testosterone if u want it i like it :)

[not-a-space-alien]

Savage Sunset Chapter 19S

In this chapter: Sleepy kitten Valen, Ari has issues 

Content warnings: Aftermath of torture, blood

Story masterpost

Complementary chapter

***

Lex wouldn’t stop going to check if Valen was awake.  She kept calling it his “nap,” and Ari kept correcting her that he needed to get a full night’s sleep–or day’s sleep, or whatever.  It was like trying to convince someone excited about baking cookies not to keep opening the oven to check on their progress and let all the heat out.

He slept so, so long.  At one point Lex proposed that they check if he was still inside the coffin, for fear he’d somehow disappeared.  Ari told her that was ridiculous, while simultaneously also secretly worrying about it a little bit.  Lex confirmed that she could hear breathing and very quiet snoring when she put her ear to the coffin, though.

He was out cold.  Lex and Ari went to bed, and when they woke up, he was still asleep, no sign of waking up, and still inactive for several hours afterwards.

The poor guy must have been fucking exhausted.  No wonder he seemed unable to think clearly or make good decisions, on top of the expected anxiety and fear inherent to the situation.

They killed time by doing their quietest hobbies, and ended up calling Jerome and Bailey to come over later, anticipating that he would, hopefully, be awake by nightfall at the latest.  All four of them made sure to call out of work, so they could give Valen their full attention for a little while.  Lex and Ari were still considering a career change, all things considered, but best not to make any big decisions that quickly. 

“We have to feed him when he wakes up,” Ari said, crossing her arms and not looking happy about it.

Not hard to guess why.  Valen had taken the last bag of blood nicked from the hospital with him after his ill-fated escape attempt.  That probably wasn’t a sustainable source of blood for him–it was doubtful they could talk the same people into letting it slide twice, so they had to manage getting the blood themselves.  But they couldn’t let Valen feed on Lex, because she was still recovering from having half her blood spilled, and Bailey and Jerome weren’t able to come until that night.

That just left Ari.  Lex could honestly not think of anything Ari would like to do less than purposefully let a vampire feed on her.  Bottom during sex, maybe.  She hate hate hated being vulnerable, and purposefully getting into a position where someone else could, or would, hurt her.  Not that she had low pain tolerance–quite the opposite, in fact.  It was more of a control issue.  Unfortunately, the process inherently required giving some control to Valen, which was exactly why Ari really, really hated being the only one able to do it at the moment, because her sense of duty wouldn’t let her make him go hungry for longer than necessary.

“I can do it,” Ari said.  Of course.  In Ari’s mind, she could do anything, until proven otherwise.  “Just, just give me some time to ramp up to it.”

Ari knew he deserved to be fed as soon as he woke up.  He would be hungry after sleeping so long, and Ari knew what it was like to wake up and not be able to get coffee first thing in the morning, and maybe that was a similar thing.

As she embraced the idea that she would have to let a vampire feed from her soon, she started listening for Valen to wake like waiting for a bomb to drop.

Eventually, Lex swore she could hear him moving around inside.

"Give it a rest, would you?" Ari said, keeping her voice low.  “I’m sure he’ll say something when he’s awake.”

There was a gurgle from inside the coffin, the tired call of someone who’d just woken up from deep, deep sleep trying to indicate they were awake.

Ari approached the coffin, but Lex rushed over and overtook her.  “Can I open the door?” she blurted out, hand already on the handle.

“Yes,” came his tiny, muffled voice from inside, followed by the sound of the lock clinking open.

Lex pulled it open to reveal Valen, looking disoriented and squinting against the light, eyes lidded heavily with sleep, hair wildly messed up on top of his head--and to Lex’s delight, clutching the cat plushie.

"Good morning!" Lex said. "How are you feeling? How did you sleep?"

Eyes still encrusted with sleep, Valen rubbed his face. "Good morning… how…how long was I asleep?"

"Sixteen fucking hours," Ari said. "You just had a godly power nap, my dude."

"You deserve it," Lex said. "How are you feeling?"

"A little better," he mumbled.

"Did this thing help you sleep?" Ari said, nudging the coffin with her foot.

He nodded.

"Good. Do you wanna hang out in there a bit more, or come out onto the couch?"

“The couch sounds nice,” he said quietly.  It was impossible to tell what he was thinking.

Lex and Ari lifted him up and out, settling him onto the couch and piling up a fortress of pillows around him, to make him as comfortable as possible.

“There,” said Lex.  “I know it probably still hurts, but how are you feeling?”

He wrung his hands, as though afraid to say, and then timidly said, “Hungry, ma’am.  I-I feel a lot better, but, but I would be very grateful if-if there was more blood in the fridge, if I would be allowed to have it.”

Yep, just like they’d thought.  If he was hungry enough to ask for it while being so clearly scared shitless, definitely time to feed.  Ari started, “Oh, we actually ran out of that stuff from the hospital.”

“Oh.  When-when will you–When will getting more be feasible?”

“Oh, um,” Ari said, averting her eyes.  “I don’t think we can really get blood that way again, it was sort of a one-time thing, special circumstances.  I think if I went back to the hospital and asked for more, that’d be pushing it and they might start asking questions.”

Valen’s face crumpled with despair, and he wrapped his arms around himself.  “All right.  I understand, ma’am.” 

The poor boy thinks that means we’re not going to feed him, Lex realized with a jolt.  Come on, Ari, get on with it.  She nudged Ari with her foot.

“Yeah,” Ari continued, too slow, painfully.  “And, um, Lex can’t really feed you, since, since she lost all that blood recently, not sure how long it’ll be before she’s fully back from that.  So…”

Valen’s face heated up and he was clearly holding back angry tears.  He shook a little, biting his tongue.  Come onnnnnn.  When Ari didn’t keep going, Lex elbowed her, knocking the wind out of her.  “What Ari is saying is that since there aren’t other options, she’s going to feed you.”

Valen perked up, still shaking, cautiously hopeful.  “Real-really?” 

“Yeah,” Ari said, absolutely failing to keep her unhappiness off every feature of her body.  Come on, Ari, you’re going to make him too scared to eat.  “Obviously it’s not ideal, but I’m really the only one here with enough blood for you to drink.  So.  So, have at it, I guess.”

Ari just stood there.  Come on, Ari, you’re the one who’s always stomping around to stop delaying and get moving. 

Lex watched Valen’s eyes trail up and down Ari, at a loss.  “Um,” he said, with all the bravery of someone approaching a live tiger.  “How do you want me to-”

“Not on the neck,” Ari said quickly.

“R-right…”  Valen looked like he was trying not to cry again.

“The arm would be good, I guess,” Ari said.

“O-okay,” Valen said.

“What?” jabbed Ari.  “That not good enough for you?”

He clutched the blanket to his chest and looked up at her with wide, fearful eyes.

“Ari, you know that’s not it,” Lex said.  “Come on.  Relax.”

Ari visibly untensed her shoulders.  “Right.  Sorry.”

“You can’t just tell him to feed and then stand there when you know he can’t reach you.”

Ari flushed, looking embarrassed and vulnerable.  “Right.  Sorry.”  She took a few steps towards Valen and held her arm out.  “Well, there, go-go ahead then.”  She tapped the skin of her forearm.  “Right about there should be good, right?”

Valen bit his lip.  “I-I can’t, I’m sorry.  Bite you.  I can’t.”

Sweet boy, even when we offer he feels like he can’t.

“Sure you can,” Ari said gruffly.  “Gave you permission and everything.”

“No, no, I-”  He whimpered, sinking down into the pillows.  “I-I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, I really appreciate this, I-I really, really do, but-but-”

“What’s the problem?”

“I don’t have my fangs, and-and I don’t know if I can really bite hard enough to draw blood with my blunt teeth, and, and-”

Oh.  His fangs had been pulled out, and he couldn’t feed without them, not unless he just bit Ari with his whole mouth hard enough to draw blood, which definitely seemed like a worse option.

Ari’s eyebrows shot up as she reached the same conclusion.  “Oh.  Oh.  Shit.  Fuck.  Yeah, sorry.”  She retracted her arm.  “Okay how about this, then, I’ll just make a cut on my arm for you to drink from, then when you’re done, you just close it up.”

Relief washed over his face.  “Yes, that-that sounds perfect.  Thank you, ma’am.”

Ari withdrew her hunting knife, and Valen whimpered, averting his eyes.  Ari made a small cut on her arm, then sat on the couch next to Valen.  “Bon Appétit.”

“Th-thank you,” he wept.  “Is-is it really okay?”

“Yep.  Now come on, before it gets cold.  Hah.”

Valen leaned down and drank, movements soft and slow.  Lex could tell what Ari was thinking:  I guess this isn’t so bad.  She was doing a good job of hiding whatever discomfort was left.  She brought her hand up and stroked the nape of his neck.  “There you go,” Ari said encouragingly.  “Good boy.”

He shivered and flushed hot in the face.  Lex eyed him, keeping in mind what Ari had said about it.  He just looked embarrassed.

After a few moments, he swiped his tongue over the wound to seal it and then raised his head.  “Thank you,” he said, voice thick.

“‘Course,” said Ari.  “We can’t let you starve now, can we?” 

Valen dipped his head down, licking his lips.  “Um, ma’am, have you been tested for diabetes?”

Ari furrowed her brow.  “What?”

Valen’s face snapped into wild panic, and he shrank back.  “I’m–I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have, shouldn’t have said, said that, I-”

“Are you saying you can taste diabetes in my blood?” Ari snapped.  “Or something?”

“I’m sorry,” he wept.  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please-please forgive me, I-”

Ari stomped out of the room, huffing.  Valen continued to babble and shake.  “Alexis, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to–I don’t know why–Please, just-”

Lex put her hands firmly on his shoulders, and he immediately shut up, quivering.   “Did you taste something in the-”

“Yes,” he said, tears streaming down his cheeks.  “Her blood sugar seemed high, I was just worried for her health, but I shouldn’t have said that, I didn’t mean to offend her, or, or make her uncomfortable, I’m-”

“Okay,” she said, giving him a squeeze, “Just calm down.  Calm down, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Okay, just.  Just stay there a minute.”

Lex followed Ari out into the dining room, where she sat stormily at the table, arms crossed.  “Ari, what the fuck,” Lex said.

“He can’t–He said–Where does he get off drinking my blood and then diagnosing me?” Ari said.  “He’s being weird while drinking my literal fucking blood.”

“Ari, what’s your fucking problem?  This whole situation is weird.”

Ari’s face spasmed.  “I don’t have diabetes.”

“Ari,” Lex says, exasperated.  “For fuck’s sake.”

“I’m not getting tested for diabetes.”

Lex stomped over to Ari and slammed her hand on the table, pointing to the living room with the other.  “You’re going to march right back in there and explain to that boy that he didn’t do anything wrong, and you just got upset because you have a complex about going to the doctor, because if you’re just macho and independent enough, that means you don’t get sick.  You fucking idiot.”

Ari flushed deep red.  Lex had cut to the exact truth immediately, and it felt humiliating to be so thoroughly outed and embarrassed.  “Okay, just give me a minute.”

“No.  Now.”

Ari’s face screwed up.  “F-fine.”

She got up and walked back into the living room, refusing to make eye contact with Valen.  “Diabetes runs in my family,” she said.  “I get freaked out thinking about it.  It wasn’t anything you did.”

“Oh,” says Valen, looking a bit calmer.  “Okay.  That’s understandable.  I was just–just hoping to possibly be helpful if you didn’t know.  Getting treatment earlier can be-”

“I know,” Ari said quickly, and Valen cowered again.  Lex gave her a little kick in the shin.  “Ow–I mean.  Yeah, I know I should go to the doctor.  Thank you for worrying about my health.”

“And?” said Lex.

“And…I hope you feel better.”

“And you’re…?”

“I’m…hoping that you feel better?”

“You’re sorry, Ari.  You’re sorry that you got upset with him and made him scared.”

Ari rubbed the back of her head, finding her feet interesting.  “Oh.  Yeah.  That, that too.  You don’t deserve to get scared or anything.  I know I can be kind of intense sometimes.”

Valen nodded.  “Thank you.  I understand.”

“Now, then,” said Lex, with a little clap.  “We talked to Bailey and Jerome on the phone, and they’re gonna come over tonight, all right?  Unless you don’t want them to?”

Fear flashed across his face.  “What are they coming over for?  Ma’am?  If I may ask?”

“They’re going to feed you, too,” Ari said.  “You’re gonna need more than just one feeding until you’re back to a healthy weight.”

“Oh,” said Valen, expression unreadable.  “Th-thank you.  That sounds wonderful.”

“They’re bringing a board game, too.  Hope you like Monopoly.”

***

Tag list <3

@aceouttatime

@annablogsposts

@cc1010foxy

@darlingwhump

@emcscared-whumps

@nicolepascaline

@oddsconvert

@pigeonwhumps

@pumpkin-spice-whump

@some-thrilling-heroics

@soursagas

@thecyrulik

@whuarri

@whump-cravings

@whump-for-all-and-all-for-whump

@whumpycries

@whumpsday

[squadrah]

Any way we could get a comprehensive list of all the conditions, allergies etc. that you HC Melone with? Your characterization of Mel is my absolute favorite!!

First, thank you for the kind words, I'm very happy you like my characterization so much! <3

Your ask made me realize that I actually had something from my CuriousCat, so I will put that whole thing here! I also found some other drafts of mine that hinted at Melone stuff, so I will look those over and add anything that isn't here (and after that I will hopefully also finish up and queue those drafts just to stay on topic!)

From My CuriousCat

"What are all your medical HCs for Melone?"

The first time I discussed Melone's potential health issues was when I listed some conditions for him in my La Squadra headcanon/drawing meme, the full version of which is here. For this post I'll include my original portrait of Melone separately since it demonstrates some of what I'll be talking about:

(For the meme, I listed the following conditions: comorbidities, amblyopia, allergies.)

Originally I didn't think a lot about medical conditions, but after listening to some friends talk about potential clues to Melone having poor health (his mask hinting at eye problems, the fact that his Stand works remotely so he doesn't have to engage his targets directly, and even things like his stiff gait in the now-defunct JoJo's Pitter Patter Pop mobile game), I decided that this reading of Melone made sense, and started thinking more about it. That said, since I'm not chronically ill and have little experience with chronic illness in my everyday life, I can only talk in vague terms.

As mentioned above, I had amblyopia listed in the drawing meme, meaning one "lazy" eye that Melone might also be mostly blind in. I've seen others say that his covered eye could be an implant, which is also interesting! In the end I went with amblyopia for the aesthetic.

By comorbidities, I was thinking an autoimmune disorder and some comorbid conditions exacerbating it and causing symptoms like joint pain, chronic pain, or insomnia. My portrait shows Melone with vitiligo both as an aesthetic choice (adding even more visual interest, which makes his portrait one of my all-time favorites I've done) and as a way of reflecting this condition, and an added motive was that I just feel like these little things make a difference and might make people with vitiligo feel more seen. Basically Melone is usually in mild to moderate pain, and on his bad days, it gets progressively worse, so he takes a lot of medication and indulges in hot baths. I would also add in retrospect that I could see him having occasional seizures, which tend to land him in the ER from time to time - along with stuff like minor accidents, having alcohol too soon after taking medication, or allergy flare-ups.

Speaking of allergies, my headcanon came from talking to a friend and joking about Melone figuring out through trial and error what he can and cannot have. Lactose intolerance is definitely among those in my land, so Melone has to take his lactaid if he wants a milkshake. Other allergies that I can remember later thinking about were to gluten, possibly sea food, and maybe even stuff like latex.

I didn't go into more detail in the original draft because it sometimes makes me feel sad to think about these things (and as I am editing this, the sentiment holds true), but because of Melone's general design and Stand design, these do make sense to me and honestly, it also helps to flesh out other aspects of his character. Thinking about potential medical conditions for him led to my absolute favorite headcanon for Melone, which is him taking ER selfies of himself and with friends, so for every trip to the emergency room, he has a few photos of himself flashing a victory sign while hooked on an IV, etc. It's funny and eccentric but also heartwarming and heartbreaking in a way: he is just making the most out of his condition and he has friends to help him and make the journey feel less harrowing.

I hope this answers your question, and thank you again for your kind words! It always makes me so happy when people enjoy my version of the characters! <3

[yokasaris]

Just me rambling (a lot), but I want to have it for posterity’s sake. Just in case.   tldr: pet illness/death, overly dramatic ramblings, maybe goodbye finally, doesn’t mean much to nonfriends so feel free to not read on

I mostly just use this blog for myself these days, and even then only half hearted (I did Rae’s yearly little drawing for his nameday! but no one will see it because... what’s the point, i already have it for myself i guess). So, even then a lot of my reblogs have just been related to black cats. Rae only became a fluffy black-furred miqo because of my own cat, and my efforts in RL trying to help people overcome prejudices about these animals (because I live in an area that’s like 50 years behind the rest of the USA most of the time). I love this cat so much. The shelter called him Elvis, but I changed it immediately to Ellis (my own birthname is “related to music” and my social anxiety can’t stand it when people I barely know start serenading me unprompted in public). I’ve never had a pet I’ve bonded with entirely because I’m just... a cold feckin robot that can’t connect with anything. I mostly adopted him because I felt bad for him. He was consistently ganged up on by the other cats at the shelter and no one wanted him because he was one of a handful of fully grown black cats and had the “worst” personality of the bunch. As soon as I brought him home it became apparent that he was sick. He had hyperthyroidism, and it was... a lot considering I was working minimum wage. I don’t even go to the doctor myself anymore because of the expenses unless things progress to the point where I have to go. A few years later, he developed an insulin resistance as well. Both endocrine diseases and one of his medications all had side effects that make him sick off and on, and of course balancing everything means frequent vet visits. There have been many times where I wasn’t sure what to do in regards to his healthcare and I didn’t make the best calls every time, but we’ve pulled through with the help of his awesome vet. And he got so... comfortable. For the first few years he mostly kept to himself, but over time he started getting more confident and affectionate. I was lucky that he takes pills and the shots like a champ because he has to take them twice a day every day. He learned how to play! I can pick him up and give him little smooches between the ears and he’s okay with it! He’ll curl up with me to watch cooking shows or when I play vidya games! He started purring! With so much shit happening over the past half decade, this little dude has been my reason to keep going. He’s the reason I get out of bed a lot of the time (also literally because he wakes me up for his meds now). A while ago (maybe a year or two?) the vet said he believed he had either lymphoma or a non-life threatening bowel issue. It was impossible to tell which it was without an invasive biopsy, which was out of the question due to his other health issues. So, I’ve known for a while that it was possible he didn’t have much longer to live. A few months back he really started having issues stemming from this problem. And yet... I chanced to try giving him a different food about a month ago and! suddenly! he got better! I thought that meant he definitely didn’t have cancer and it was the irritation instead. Besides, he was gaining weight now! It’s always been hard for him to put on weight, but he was looking healthier than he has in a very long time. Yet a couple weeks ago I started keeping a closer eye on him due to a few reasons (I had to leave a few XIV events early because of this, and I apologize).

This past weekend he started deteriorating.

What I thought was healthy weight gain was fluid build up in his abdomen due to, yes, lymphoma. So, at least it’s finally a concrete diagnosis. All the vets present agreed there was nothing they could do, so they removed as much of the fluid as they could and gave him some meds to make him feel better. Thursday his vet will back in, so we’ll be taking him in to be put to sleep. Took a shower as soon as I was home because can’t be sad, no one’s allowed to be sad and at least no one would notice the feckin horrid crying. I don’t know when I’ve actually cried like really cried last. I’d been ready for the possibility he’d die for so long, but I’d discarded that mentality when I naively thought for a moment that I knew better than the vet. But, he’s getting all the cuddles when he doesn’t want to be left alone, and he’s going to get his favorite treat meals these last couple of days (tuna Tuesday and chicken+ rice Wednesday). I’ll bring him one of my blankets when we finally have to go, and I’ll hold him as the sedatives put him under before they actually put him to sleep. Because this lil furball is the only thing tangible that reminds me there’s something good here, and I want to try and make him as happy and comfy as I can. After... I’m not sure. There’s nothing else here for me. The farm’s gone. My last link to anything and anyone tying me here is about to be gone. I want to go, but I don’t know where and there’s no place that I can fathom thriving. There’s no prospects, no ambitions or dreams. It’s something I’ve had on the mind for a long time, ever since I was first told Ellis was possibly terminally ill. I’ve just been... coasting through life ever since knowing I’d have to find some kind of purpose eventually. I can’t make any decisions right now because I don’t think this is the proper state of mind to decide anything, though. But, I don’t know. Maybe this is finally how I can let this blog go. I don’t know if I can handle all these lovely droves of absolutely amazing black cats I am so lucky to see on my dash every time I log in. Sometimes they’re funny, sometimes they’re cute. But, they’re fantastic every time. It pains me that there’s going to be one less of these lil critters around, but at least I can know that Ellis was one of the lucky ones who managed to find a loving home. So, maybe for the final time... black cats are good cats.

[siriannatan]

Count fWhip's Origin Story

I was thinking about making this one longer but… I already have too many WIPs so I'm tossing it here. It's mostly vampire!fWhip's origin story.

AO3

Grimlands. One of the oldest and most confusing empires in the area. Many empires rose and fell around them but the Wither dynasty was still in charge and loyal to their roots as a potato farming town. It was there right next to the wither rose. Potato was still their national vegetable and many traditional Grimlands dishes used it as a main ingredient to this day. Vast potato fields were an integral part of the Grimlands landscape. Like tall buildings hiding behind thick walls and loud explosions and the mine where rocks that were crushed into gunpowder came from. Probably the most standout was a house of a local count going by the name fWhip. A close relative of the ruling family. Brother of the founder of the city.

How is he still alive you ask? Well, fWhip is not a human. He was one once, but when on an adventure he met a creature, he's not quite sure what it was, turned him into a vampire. He was normal at first after the encounter and made it home with no problems. Settled into the house his brother had built for him. Met his new sister-in-law - a princess from the neighbouring kingdom of salmon folk. A nice girl, fWhip liked her. She was good for his brother. Trouble started a couple of weeks after he had arrived.

Impossible to satiate hunger and thirst. Headache. Pain in his whole jaw. Pain in all his limbs. Bone-deep chill and constant shaking. Fever. Brief blackouts. Tiredness. It got worse and worse as the day went on. Sun and loud noises irritated him. By the sunset, he was bedridden and sure he was dying. Some bug bit him and the sickness slowly progressed and he completely missed it all... Like an idiot. Those were about his last thoughts before he woke up changed.

He had no reflection. His heart was completely still yet something was still flowing in his veins. His skin was even paler than usual and weirdly waxy... like a corpse. He was no longer human. And had this desire for blood. Being a well-red man fWhip recognised what he was now. A vampire. Peak predator of the night. But the creature he was sure changed him... there was no way it was a vampire. It was a mass of shadows with many mouths and teeth and claws... No matter what it was fWhip had some issues to solve ahead. And forever to do it...

And so fWhip lived for his first hundred years. Not changing one bit he watched his brother grow old and die. And his wife. And his children. And he watched Grimlands grow. Leaving his manor less and less. Relying on servants his relatives hired for him more and more. And buried himself in books.

In his second hundred years, he maybe left his manor about ten times if not less. He simply saw no reason to leave it. He had all he needed. Blood. Wine. Books. His potions lab when he picked up alchemy to kill his boredom. His grand nephews and nieces did visit him occasionally. It was nice of the family to remember him.

It was around his three-hundredth birthday that he was introduced to Sausage and Gem. The boy would inherit the crown of Mythland since their mother was the only child of the current king. And the girl was already showing a talent for magic and would probably be soon sent to the Crystal Cliffs to study magic. fWhip barely registered when it had separated itself from Grimlands proper and became its own nation. He didn't even think to think who would inherit Grimlands. His great-nephew's wife was pregnant for the third time when the children were introduced to him.

When that third child was to be born a disaster struck. Both the duchess nor the child didn't make it. fWhip attended the funeral but stood very much to the back. His nephew asked if he'd look over Grimlands if he died with no other heirs and fWhip said yes.

He nearly forgot that promise by the time the duke grew old and fell ill. A panicked advisor running in to say the duke was dying and wished to see him reminded him of it. "I leave home to you, great uncle," his great nephew said and passed away with a calm, peaceful smile. Leaving fWhip with no words to say. Dead men did not care for words and neither Sausage nor Gem was there, both busy ruling their own empires. And there was no time for any formal meetings or grand funeral celebrations. Lady Katherine of House Blossom was quick to act and called upon ruler's meet since apparently not only fWhip's nephew passed on recently.

The king of ice elves of Rivendell also passed away recently and due to some unclear to fWhip and his new advisory council circumstances the younger of his two sons inherited the crown. It was something to do with an unauthorised marriage to the jungle elves' king Joey. And, after a long and gruelling war that separated the salmon empire for a long time from the main continent, the Cod Empire - winners of the war were moving to the continent. fWhip was a bit sad his sister-in-law's country has been wiped out - some survivors were granted a save heaven in Grimlands by his nephew and fWhip had all the intentions of keeping it that way. The rumours that the Salmon ravaged Cod's lands to the point where they were completely inhabitable had him worried about politics but he would manage. The salmon living in his country were all civilians with nothing to do with war. He was sure the Cod Father would understand him after they had a chance to talk.

Back to the meeting. After being quickly familiarised with who currently ruled what kingdom. He met some of the current rulers but... that was when many of them were children, brought along to meet Sausage and Gem. He was pretty sure most of them did not remember him much anymore but it'd be still interesting. With how important the meeting was he got dressed by his staff. He could not look bad in front of other rulers. And getting dressed on his own without a mirror was not a good fit for looking presentable in more complicated garments. And he never bothered to learn how to get his hair presentable in any way.

So, with an umbrella protecting him from the sun and a small top hat in place of his goggles and his best dress clothes on he set out to the land of fairies.

Scott's one-hundred and twenty-third birthday was not good. First, just as he woke up, he was informed his father passed away. Then, before he could even properly process that one of the royal advisors brought him a letter from his older brother. Scott did not want to recall the contents of it ever again in his life but the essence of it was 'don't feel like being a king, running away to be with this forest elf jerk prince, good luck.' And so Scott was, in the matter of not even an hour, the king based on being the only heir left. Consorting with Jungle elves took away Xor's right to the throne even if he did come to his senses and came back. Then it'd be up to Scott to decide what to do about him. And to prepare for his father's funeral. And his own crowning ceremony. A whole bunch of stuff all at once. Scott was very happy to have his father's trusted advisors on his side to help him with at least the things at home.

Just couple of days after his father's passing, Lady Katherine of House Blossom, queen of the fae folk, called upon a meeting of rulers. Grimlands apparently also went through a change of rulers - some distant uncle of the duke apparently. Scott didn't know much about Grimlands or their traditions. Oh, and the Cod Empire was now among the main-land empires and therefore included in the meeting at the recommendation of the Ocean Queen. So Scott would not be the only new ruler there.

Not that it made up for his lack of experience or preparation to rule and represent a country. He was always meant to be just a second prince. Left alone to practice his sword. To learn war strategies, history, music and proper manners. How to dance and hold a proper conversation with whoever he would marry in the future. And of course, once it manifested with Aeor's blessing, to practice his ice magic.

Speaking of magic. He was wary of meeting the headmistress of the Crystal Cliffs academy princess Gem of Grimlands and Mythland. The cliffs were one of the three connected kingdoms ruled by the Wither dynasty. His worries came mostly from how differently elves and humans approached magic. Humans saw it as a great gift that needed to be honed and trained. To elves, it was nothing all that special unless one was born with great talent and wished to hone it. And Scott was a bit of a special case for an elf. Due to a blessing from the elven gods his magic was not only very strong but also equally hard to control taking a lot of effort and training. At least Scott already had it under control. As long as he kept his emotions and body temperature in check it wasn't causing too many issues.

And so, with a lot of worries and a list of does and don'ts from his advisors Scott was shipped off to the Overgrowth. And without his sword too... The advisors said the heavy claymore he usually swung around to destress was too big for political functions...

Jimmy had no time for political meetings and such. His people just survived a conflict with the Salmon Empire. A long and bloody conflict that ended with their land inhabitable. And the painful process of having to move an entire nation. Lucky for him Lizzie and her husband Joel and their empires helped but there was still a lot Jimmy had to do. He could not just up and leave. He was more than just a ruler...

But Lizzie said he should. His advisors (priests of the Cod religion technically) said he should go. Joel said he should go, but Jimmy didn't really put much weight to what his dear brother-in-law said. And Jimmy knew they were right. He knew he should go but he still didn't want to. He was never one for the stuffy meetings. He didn't have anything even halfway too suitable to wear. And... and... he had many reasons why he shouldn't go but all of them were pushed down.

The fact that Lizzie physically dragged him into the carriage with her and Joel did not help his reasoning in the slightest. "You'll not be the least prepared ruler. Grimlands and Rivendell are sending brand new rulers who were never prepared to take over," Joel tried to make him feel better as Jimmy sulked in his seat. He refused to leave his thunder caller's trident at home. It was, just like the copper headpiece of the Cod Father, a symbol of his status as the leader of the Cod Empire. It was going wherever he was.

In this case the forests of House Blossom.

[coconutcows]

Hey Rebecca. I don't really know you and you don't know me. But please don't take your life. I don't know your situation. But I know what it feels like when everything seems pointless. But even if there really is no one around you right now who would miss you or it feels like there is no reason to keep going, that doesn't mean that can't change one day. Imagine the people you could meet in the future. The things you could see and experience. Don't take that possibility away from yourself. I can't tell you everything will work out. But I can tell you that doing it would take away the possibility of everything working out. You made it this far. You can keep going. I believe in you.

Hello!!! I’m sorry I’ve taken a bit to respond to this I’ve had a couple busy days and a few miserable days, but I really appreciate you sending this to me. I assume you saw my post, although idk how you did, but my issues just run really deep and I’m not sure what to do. I’m putting a bunch under the cut to not dash stretch.

I’ve been trying my best for years and nothing works out for me. That sounds like an exaggeration like people say when they just can’t see any positives but any time anything goes well for me something happens to screw everything up. I have some examples but if I listed those this would be a mile long. But basically my entire world has been swiftly destroyed in the past three months or so.

The thought of meeting new people and experiences is a nice one and I appreciate the positive attitude but the thought makes me feel sick. People tend not to like me much even if I do nothing to them, and experiences just seem to get more out of reach every day for multiple reasons. I don’t have many opportunities anyway, nor do I have the brainpower to plot a path of any kind.

I can’t hold a job because they all end up causing me immense mental distress and there’s no financial assistance that actually makes a difference here (just programs that give you what’s essentially pocket change towards bills and groceries while rushing you to find a job any job) and any job options are limited here to begin with. There’s very little hope for general financial improvement here anytime soon. I don’t think I have the talent or mental strength to try commissions.

Everything that made me look towards the future, that made me feel capable of anything is just gone now. I only have three friends and they get along just fine without me. They’d miss me if I was gone maybe but they’d get along just fine as well. I have my parents but they were a cause towards these issues back when I was a teen so i’ve already gotten over most of the guilt on that front. I know they’d be super upset but they wouldn’t have to worry about me anymore.

If I go through with it I won’t exactly be taking my own life. I plan on waiting until MAID gets expanded to include mental illness since the lovely Canadian Government also thinks disabled and mentally ill people should just be able to choose to die instead of scraping by on their meager assistance. That way I can arrange for anyone who wants to spend time with me before I go to do so.

All I hear is that I need to take care of myself, love myself etc etc etc, but I honestly can’t remember ever even liking myself so how am I supposed to get to that point? Besides I lost all the progress I’d made towards that goal over the past five years. I just really don’t know what to do at this point tbh, I just want to give up.

Anyways, if you or anybody else read all this thanks. Thanks if you care, and thanks for the chance to vent. I’ll make a post in the future if I get some stuff cleared up in case anyone genuinely wants to know what happened. Or people can ask, I’ll answer if I’m comfortable or able to.

[pastramimommy]

6/2/24

Ok let's see how were doing!! The month of May was actually phenomenal, but the mental health took a teeny hit the last few days. I have been off orientation for 3 weeks and I am honestly having a really great experience so far. I don't feel overwhelmed!!! and I really do feel much more socially comfortable with everyone there. Just trying not to get too comfortable!

Habit consistency has been great, especially with pole. I recognized that if I want to many any progress, I need to dedicate more time to practicing at home. and I did a pretty good job with that, using youtube videos and recording myself. I changed my workout split to prioritize pole and calisthenics and enjoying it so far. Still slacking on the embroidery but I have 3 new projects loading so I have no excuse now. Completed my 1 book per month. the sourdough making is happening but we'll see if im making any progress when i cut into this loaf.

By 3.5 months I am honestly satisfied with the amount and quality of friends I have made and now its just time to focus on strengthening those new relationships. I successfully hosted 2 pregames and I have still been really assertive about hanging out with people. Best decision to DM kenzie bc I know we are going to be close. Getting closer with Gemma. Holly and Jackie are a lot of fun. And I foresee myself being closer with some of jackie's friends as well. I followed through with my goal to catch up with old friends more, including Lucky, Gerr and Omer. I will make a list of friends I need to catch up with. I also solidified trips to go back home so i can see the extended family and friends.

I'm finally starting to see some consistency with church and finding some sense of community there. I want to attended services a little bit longer before attending events. I have also been consistent with my morning guided prayer on weekdays, but I can feel myself getting distracted when i do it sometimes. I still feel this barrier with Jesus. and i cant really commit to a church if I don't confidently believe one of their most important pillars. I want to get there but i don't really know what work there is to do. I do believe that God has been paying special attention to my transition here and leaving me little easter eggs to make my life easier and i am so grateful. i am really working on giving up my anxieties about the whole living together situation to god because it is truly the only source of uneasiness in my life. but maybe it is my cross to bear and lesson that god wants me to learn.i think he is trying to demonstrate that i cannot control everything and in fact there is literally NOTHING i can do to help myself here. i really just need to have complete faith in god here.

I am having slightly increased anxiety about relationship stuff due to a conversation we had recently. his sister is not a huge fan of me after the white coat ceremony, so when i visit Philly i really have to put in effort. but it is just so stressful knowing that someone has negative feelings towards you. He also mentioned that he is anxious about living together after the incident nathan's bday, because he said it happened so soon after our convo about respect. Things I have realized: 1. i need to work on my tone and bluntness. 2. chris is way more sensitive than he ever let on or said he was 3. most of our issues happen in a going out setting. maybe I am just too damn much and need to know when to stop drinking and stay home. Maybe that will be the theme of 27? Ill be spending most of the time grinding anyway so I guess it is inevitable. I am having a lot of uneasiness and insecurity while he is gone. we are completely fine and happy when we are together. I really get in my head and have horrible thoughts when hes gone. i like to tell myself that im just overthinking things, but i am so scared that im not. i know he wouldnt cheat on me, but i have this horrible thought that he has been in situations where he considers that it might be worth it not to be with me to explore other options. but why is my brain going there?!

ugh, honestly i have nothing to complain about, life is good. i just need some sort of sense of security with him. but i know the best way i can get that is to just respect him and have faith that he will figure out the rest.

[villainsandvictimsalliance]

I also need to get a job, but things are complicated, I haven't finished my studies yet because I wasted years and I already threw away thousands of resumes but I live in Argentina so... yeah (lol)

I just really need to move out of my parents' house but it's not going to be possible anytime soon apparently 😭

We're in the same trenches here, anon ✊🏽😫

It's kinda funny how similar our situations are, in fact. My biggest issue is that my anxiety got bad enough that I was breaking down in public out of stress and couldn't even learn how to drive 'cause I was panicking at the wheel, closing my eyes and shit that makes me a risk to others.

So I cannot get a physical job because I have no way to get there.

With college, I couldn't even write on my laptop because 1) my anxiety made me physically ill and 2) I wasn't writing anything worthy, because I was too busy panicking. I really want to finish that thesis already, so I can graduate next year. I want one less worry in my life.

So yeah... I get you.

I tell people that I kinda hit a wall in my life. Either I got better mentally or I wouldn't get anywhere soon. I've been in therapy for 6 months now and I've been progressing a lot!!! It helps that where I live in South America things haven't been as bad as the past decade.

My parents even had to help me buy a new set up for writing on my laptop. Turns out that I was born with a fucked up cervical; it's too straight, doesn't have the natural curve. I'm doing rehab for that and I had to change my whole lifestyle, since the pressure on the nerves of my cervical could even leave me deaf of my right ear if I kept doing nothing about it. There are other complications, like my right hand turning useless out of pain if I work for too long on my cellphone or laptop...

It sucks to be so stagnant. I want a job to help my family pay the bills while we figure out how to sell some stuff— I also want money I can waste on my own. Maybe buy gifts for my friends for their birthdays, maybe cook something I find tasty or go watch a silly movie. If I want to win money to give it to charity, that's my own business, you know? Man, I want Shigaraki Tomura merch, but I don't have money for that.

Sorry for ranting about my personal problems. It's just that knowing there are other people out there facing the same problems helps me feel less alone I suppose.

Manifesting good jobs for both of us and many opportunities to be more independent 🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽