#so it feels... a little better absorbed; I think. idk. all of that was lost in the dub anyways.

[neganium]

I like how he's not actually forcing anything on her. He seems to agree that it's not a good idea; but also, according to his principles, he's going to let Emily make the final decision. He wants to convince her to listen to reason, but he's also not going to force her to listen to him, and isn't going to let anyone else do it, either. And Atom respects that, however begrudgingly, because even if she's making a bad choice, the Blue Knight ultimately isn't wrong, here. It's interesting. I never really got a feel for nuance in the English version (tho tbf it's been fuckin years since I actually binged that while mooching off my brother's Netflix account lol).

[euphoricfilter]

Star girl || JJK

Pairing: Jungkook x F. Reader ~ ‘Stardust’ couple

Genre: Fluff || Smut || Angst || Established Relationship || Non-idol au

Summary: Sometimes life just feels like too much, where the solace of the night no longer feels as healing as it once was. Luckily Jungkook is there when everything feels like too much.

Word Count: 4.9k

Tags/ warnings: fluff, mild angst, boyfriend kook is there to make everything feel better, smut in the forms of: fingering, unprotected sex (don’t be stupid, this is fiction), holding hands during sex :(, it’s all just very soft and healing, creampie, cum play, multiple orgasms, oral (f. receiving), he eats his own cum, overstimulation

Notes: this is part of the ‘Stardust’ universe, however it can be read as a stand alone. idk how i feel about this one :’) if there are mistakes, look away <3

(request is posted at the bottom under the taglist~ the request wasn’t specifically for this universe, however it fit the au)

my masterlist

✯ ✯ ✯

You’d always believed the night to be cathartic, something almost healing about simply living while people slept. Expectations washed away of an evening with a shower, dampened mood sated with soft sheets and far fetched dreams in far away lands much more perfect than your own.

Where the moon was your only friend, no words needed between the two of you, as you simply lived among the stars. The galaxy’s gentle caress lulling you into a blissful state of peace. 

The street lamps bleed muted orange light into your room, curtains pushed open so you could watch the world, and wonder what it be like to explore the milky way.

It’s daunting how catharsis can mutate into something a little more wretched. How loneliness can creep up on you, how it lurks in the shadows during the day— following you with silent footsteps. How it slowly consumes a little more of you with each passing night.

How you don’t seem to notice the clouds that take over the sky, how the stars in your universe don’t seem to shine as bright as they once were.

It’s strange how when the lights turn off, and you’re curled up in bed, a sticky sadness consumes your entire being until you’re falling. Drowning in an endless darkness, scaly hands of solitude tugging you further into the abyss until bile rises up your throat and your eyes sting with unwanted tears; where you start to feel sorry for yourself and that icky feeling only seems to amplify.

It’s an awful feeling, that no matter how much you toss and turn, an overwhelming sadness plagues your mind until sleep seems to scuttle out your grasp, leaving you to rot in your own self-deprecating thoughts. A phantom hand locked around your throat, weeding its way into your heart, squeezing in a way that has you breathless.

A prisoner to your own mind. Until days bleed into one another— how that rotten sadness gnawing away at your mind— the sadness that had only ever caressed your cheek in the dark, had slipped between the cracks of your resolve. Bleeding into the crevices of every thought that consumed you.

If you weren’t absorbed with the mountain of assignments, your thoughts always seemed to wander in the direction of the unexplainable loneliness that hugged you, leeching of your emotions until you were left drained, utterly exhausted.

You think you’d lost count of how many days you’d kept yourself tucked in bed, a false sense of security easing a small portion of your mind as you simply exist under layers upon layers of blankets. Pretending anything that lives and works beyond your four walls doesn’t exist. Because if you didn’t acknowledge the wider world and your problems then they simply weren’t there.

Your laptop lays propped up at the end of your bed, and you think the battery died three days ago. You hadn’t bothered to plug it back in. Knowing that if you did, a long list of untouched assignments would greet you, and if you didn’t have to look at them then the deadline meant nothing. Prickly guilt eating away at your mind each time you remember an assignment that had passed, and a lecture you had missed.

You didn’t particularly enjoy skipping classes, knowing the workload would crush you when you finally got back into the groove of student life, but the very thought of getting up is enough for tears to slip down your cheeks.

With eyes shielded by the velvet blanket Jungkook had bought for your one year anniversary months ago, your gaze is veiled from your room that looked like it had seen better days.

You’d gotten to the point where cleaning seemed near impossible, with clothes strewn across the floor, with any other pieces of your room that had fallen victim to your slight rampage a couple of nights ago, finding a permanent home on your bedroom floor.

You had the decency to at least eat in the living room, and from what you can remember there’s probably a few too many boxes of food laying around, dishes probably piled high in the sink.

You don’t miss the jingle of keys outside your door, nor do you make any move to sit up when you hear your boyfriend milling through your apartment in search for you. You’d have felt an ounce of shame if Jungkook hadn’t seen what can happen when you get into a bit of a tizz, locking yourself away so you didn’t have to be a functioning member of society.

“Oh, pretty thing” Jungkook coos, bed dipping under his weight as he sits by your feet. Gentle not to startle you.

You pull the duvet down under your chin, “Kook?” you murmur, watching his lips tug up into a soft smile; a look of understanding washing over his features.

“Hey, baby. You doing okay?” a silly question on his part, but at least he knew you were alive.

You nod, albeit hesitant.

“Why are you here?” you murmur, eyebrows creasing.

“You haven’t answered any of my calls, I was worried” his hands finds their way to your thigh, touch ever so soft you feel the telltale signs of tears coating your eyes.

Your gaze flickers over to your phone, pulling your arm from under the cocoon of your blanket you tap on the screen, “It must have died, I didn’t notice. Sorry” you turn your attention back to your boyfriend.

“How about we get you washed, and then I’ll cook us something yummy?” he offers and you sink further into the pillows surrounding your head.

“I don’t really—” you sigh, “I’m okay”

“None of that, my darling” he soothes, leaning down to press a kiss to your forehead before he’s pushing himself to stand.

You watch as he wanders into your bathroom, your eyes squinting at the blaring light that spills over your bedroom floor. The first sign of light in your room in almost a week.

You throw the blanket back over your head at the sound of running water. Jungkook’s voice echoing throughout your bathroom as he hums a song he’d probably been listening to on his way over to your place.

He’d always been a good singer, though he refused to ever show anyone other than you— a little secret the two of you had. And maybe it was selfish, how you’d get giddy each time he would sing for you, because you’d always been the only one to see him like this, hear him like this. A special something only the two of you had cupped in your hands, delicate like a butterfly’s wings but ever so beautiful.

“Come on” Jungkook tugs the blanket from your body, and goosebumps raise up the skin of your arms.

“Why are you shirtless?” you frown, fingers skimming the edge of your blanket, grasping at the material, ready to pull it back over your body. If it had been any other day then maybe you’d ogle at his toned chest a little longer.

“We’re taking a bath together. I put extra bubbles, just for you” he juts his head in the direction of your en suite.

You watch as he bends down, arms hooking around your body.

He throws you over his shoulder like you weighed nothing, and you watch the muscles of his back flex in that delicious way that has your thighs clenching; heat simmering in your stomach that only he’d ever be able to sate.

The mirror had steamed up, a little relief washing over your body; aware you probably looked like absolute dog shit. You can’t remember the last time you even bothered to shower, let alone wash your face. Your nose scrunches up in distaste before Jungkook’s easing you back onto your feet.

He grabs the hem of your shirt, tugging it over your head with practiced ease.

“Hands on my shoulders” he tells you as he bends down, fingers hooking around the waistband of the pyjama pants you were wearing.

You press your weight against your boyfriend as he helps you out of your panties, flinging them back through the door into your room before he’s discarding his own clothes.

He holds your hand as you step into the tub, toes tinging from the scalding water— heat smoldering up your body.

“You sure this isn’t too hot for you?” you smile over your shoulder, “You complain about how hot I have my showers”

Jungkook scoffs, a failed attempt at coving the smile that threatened to pull at his cheeks.

You sink into the water, feeling the bubbles tickle your bare skin. Muscles melting as you bask in the warmth, uncaring as Jungkook slips into the tub behind you.

Your boyfriend’s knees knock against your hips, a little bit of a tight squeeze but neither of you seem to care as you lean back into his chest.

“Feeling better?” he whispers, lips pressed against your shoulder, warm breath tickling bare skin.

You nod, eyes slowly falling shut. Sleepless nights finally catching up to you as you finally find the comfort you’d been craving for so long. The unsettling feeling of pure loneliness fading into a warm love that spreads over your chest.

“I’m sorry I’ve been so busy with classes” Jungkook’s hands run down your arms, tips of his fingers exploring places he knew better than he knew his own body. Knowing where to touch you, where to avoid.

“It’s okay” you whisper.

He sighs, “It’s not. I shouldn’t put shitty assignments over you. I should have known something was wrong when you stopped reading my texts”

“I’m sorry about that” you peek over your shoulder, though Jungkook simply smiles. Nothing indicating any agitation towards your bad habit.

“You don’t have to apologize. It’s my job to always be by your side. I’m sorry i’m like, four days late. I’ve been swamped with classes I didn’t even realize you’ve been having a hard time”

“You don’t have to apologize.” you mirror his response, “Even before we were dating, you always did so much. I’m grateful, but I don’t want you to feel obligated to do all this”

“I do it because I love you, baby” he tilts your head up from your chin, gentle kiss pressed to your lips. And you sink further into his chest. Somehow wishing the two of you would simply melt into one being, forever intertwined.

“I love you more”

“Impossible” he snickers, “I love you more”

“For every star there is, in every galaxy, even the ones we don’t know about, each one is a piece of my love for you” you declare, unaware of Jungkook’s morphing expression.

An unfathomable, bubbly feeling of pure love consuming his entire being, bursting at his seams. A feeling so unfamiliar yet welcoming, that he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

“That’s a lot of love, my little star girl” he muses, hands running over your hips as his lips skim over your jaw. “I love you as much as you love the stars”

“That’s a lot of love, too” you hum, pushing yourself to turn around and face your boyfriend.

You smile at the flush of his cheeks, dusted rosy from the hot water. Ends of his air damp from the steam. Bubbles touching him in places you’ve kissed, worshipping his skin like you have as they trail over his stomach— inching down to more intimate places. Another part of him only you’ll ever see.

“You’re pretty” you tell him, watching his ears flush, red hue bleeding down to his chest.

“You’re prettier” he counters and you laugh.

“You’re impossible”

He tugs you closer between his legs, water sloshing around the two of you, “But you love me for it”

“I do” you admit, “And I wouldn’t change you for the world”

“Is that so?” he hums, your favourite smile tugging at the corners of your lips, “Now why don’t you tell me what you’ve been feeling while I wash your hair?”

“That sounds nice” you agree, hands cupping his cheeks, “Thank you, Jungkook. I really mean it”

“I know you do” he leans into your touch, hair falling over his eyes a little from where he’d been growing it out, “Thank you for being here” he takes ahold of your hand, gentle as he presses a kiss to the tips of your fingers.

✯ ✯ ✯

You sit on the edge of your bed, old sheets torn off, slung on the floor for the wash that Jungkook promised he’d do after helping de-tangle your hair.

He’s ever so gentle, and never once complains when your head tips forward too far, or you fidget, feet numb from the way you’d sat on them.

He’d helped you wash your face, having you sat on the counter as he brushed your teeth before chucking you in one of his old sweaters he’d left at your place. Folded neatly where he’d left it the last time he’d spent the night, other items of his clothing slung over your desk and the frame of your bed.

“I’ll wash up while you sort this room out, okay?” he smiles, tugging your curtains open.

You watch orange light flood into your room, eyes transfixed on the full moon as Jungkook plugs your lamp in beside your bed before he makes his way into the kitchen. You wonder how long it had been since you’d star gazed.

You wonder why the stars seem to shine that little bit brighter than they had the last time you’d looked at them. Something acutely similar to Jungkook’s eyes when they light up, passion evident in his gaze, maybe even love. You’d hope it was love, the stars in his eyes always that little bit brighter when he look at you.

Jungkook had always been your little laundry fairy, easily navigating your washing machine with ease, even before the two of you were dating. His new domestic passion being washing up. Something about his hands soaking in bubbly water and clean dishes bringing an extra sparkle to his eyes. Almost as sparkly as when the two of you locked gazes.

You didn’t particularly like washing the dishes, always finding your hands felt grossly dry afterwards where no amount of sweet smelling hand cream could redeem the damage done.

Your boyfriend has had a few too many conversations with you about what chores he’d take on if the two of you were to ever move in together. And you had been more than happy when he’d stepped forward for washing up and laundry duty.

Your gaze snaps towards the door when you hear the grating sound of a pot colliding with your tile flooring.

��You okay?” you call out, bending down to pick up the clothes blanketing your floor.

“I’m fine!” Jungkook shouts, “The handle was slippy”

✯ ✯ ✯

“Thank you” you whisper, tucking Jungkook’s hair behind his ear.

He smiles, “Stop thanking me.”

“I just feel really shitty that you have to do all of this stuff for me”

Jungkook’s arms snake around your waist, pulling you closer to his body until your nose nudges his chest. Your eyes slip closed, body hyper aware of your boyfriend’s fingers as they brush up across your back.

“I don’t have to do anything. I do it because I want t— hey, what’s wrong” he frowns, peeking down at you when he hears a sniffle.

Your hands come to cover your face, body shaking, chest jittery as a sob wracks throughout you.

“Nothing” you hiccup, “You’re just too good to me”

Jungkook laughs, nudging you onto your back before he’s pushing himself up— body caging your own. “You forget all the things you do for me too” his arms flex as he eases a kiss over your eyelids.

Your arms wrap around his neck, tugging him down for a kiss. It’s salty, tightness in your chest chocking you as you tilt your head.

Jungkook’s tongue licks at the seam of your lips, a silent request for access. Your lips part, another tear slipping down your cheek.

“No more crying, my star” Jungkook whispers, lips moving against your own. He pulls back briefly, watching your eyes search his own. Watching as they glisten with unshed tears, his thumb gentle as he brushes it over your wet cheeks.

“I’m sorry” you swallow, hand coming to wipe your eyes, only Jungkook stops you, back of his fingers brushing the delicate skin under your eyes, always worried you pull at them too much when you get upset.

“No more apologies either, okay?”

You nod, lips parting in awe. Smile pulling onto Jungkook’s face, and you’re kissing him again.

Your fingers thread into his the back of his hair, tugging gently, an attempt to mould yourselves further into one another.

One of your hands trail down the front of his body, hand firmly pressing against his cock.

Jungkook pulls his face away from you, “We don’t have to do that, pretty. I didn’t come here to have sex” he pants, tongue laving over his bottom lip.

“I know” your voice breathy, “Still want you”

Your hand squeezes his cock over his sweatpants, twitch of interest dampening your panties as you feel him slowly harden.

“You sure?” he presses a kiss to your jaw.

“Mhmm” you hum, impatient fingers pulling the sweater over your head, panties easily shucked off and thrown onto the floor, your boyfriend following you as he sits up, pulling his clothes off.

Jungkook’s thumb parts your slit, coated in a thick sheen of your arousal— and you moan as he brushes over your clit. Thumbing meanly over your little bud as he leans down for another kiss.

He drinks in your moans, lips swollen, glistening in a mixture of both your saliva as his tongue prods into your mouth— always having liked it a little wet and messy.

Your hips buck up, fingers clasping the sheets as a fingers teases over your entrance.

Your mouth falls open as Jungkook presses a finger into you, lips sucking the skin of your neck.

“Feels good” you whine, walls clamping around his finger as his thumb continues to brush over your clit.

“Yeah?” he croons, pulling his finger out before adding another. Curling them deliciously.

Your hands blindly trail down his body, nails accidentally dragging across Jungkook’s cock-head. He lurches forward, thumb pressed firmer against your clit and you cry out from the shock of pleasure that fizzles up your spine.

“Sorry” you pant.

“Fucking hell, tell me next time” he laughs, head falling between your tits as your hand wraps around his shaft.

“M’ close” you warn, thighs clamping around Jungkook’s hand, though that barely deters him, relentless as he scissors you open; wet squelch meeting your ears with every thrust into you.

You tip over the edge as he eases a third finger into you, “I’m cumming” your thighs shaking around his hand as he brings your slick up over your clit— messily elongating your orgasm with quick flicks of his wrist.

Your hand falls away from his cock, Jungkook’s nose scrunching up as it slaps wetly against your thigh. Bead of pearly pre-cum staining your skin.

Your arms wrap around his neck, bringing him into another kiss as his fingers ease on your clit, dipping between your slit before he’s slicking his cock up with your cum.

“Think you’ll be okay?” he murmurs against your lips, running the tip of his cock over your cunt, your eyes squeezing shut as the tip nudges your clit.

Your hips jolt upwards, and Jungkook laughs. A hearty one that has you smiling up at him.

“I love you”

Jungkook presses another peck to your lips, “I love you”

Your fingers part your pussy lips, and Jungkook’s holds the base of his cock, lining himself up with your entrance.

“So pretty” he murmurs, entranced.

You squirm under his gaze, cheeks flushing red as Jungkook’s eyes meet your own.

His smile had always started with his eyes, worming its way towards his lips as he gently pushes into you— head of his cock splitting you open.

Jungkook’s fingers thread with your own, hips languid as he thrusts into you. Your eyes flit between his, watching as his eyebrows furrow in the building pleasure he’s feeling.

There’s nothing rushed in Jungkook’s movements, the mere act of the two of you connecting in such an intimate way fulfilling enough. The raw emotions swimming behind his eyes with each wet squelch of your sodden cunt that overshadows both of your shaky breathing, is enough to slowly bring you hurdling towards another high.

You squeeze his fingers, thighs wrapping around Jungkook’s waits as he leans down, wet, open mouth kisses pressed to your tits— gentle thrum of pleasure sparking down your body as his tongue laves over your nipple.

“I’m close, pretty. Cum with me” Jungkook grunts, eyes closing in utter bliss.

One of your hands slip out of his grasp, worming between your bodies until you brush over your clit.

“Good girl, play with yourself for me”

Jungkook rocks into you, hips stuttering as he nears his release, thighs clapping obscenely against your ass. Your fingers pick up their pace on your clit, staccato of moans tumbling past your lips— Jungkook’s deep groan harmonizing with you.

“Gonna cum” you hiccup, thighs tightening their hold they have on your boyfriend.

You feel his cock twitch, cry of pure pleasure muffled by his lips as Jungkook’s release paints your walls white. And that’s what pushes you over the edge, the world around you seems to muffle, crackling in your ears as you feel unadulterated pleasure course throughout your body in thick waves.

“Well done” Jungkook’s hips pull back a fraction before he’s pushing back into you, “Did so well for me” he croons.

Your chest stutters out a breath, hands mindlessly grasping onto any part of Jungkook you can hold on to. Warmth of his sweat slicked skin helping the buzz of your high melt. Bodies still one, the closest the two of you will ever physically be.

“You okay?” he whispers, lips pressed against your forehead and you nod; legs falling from around his waist.

“Thank you, Kook”

He snickers, “You don’t have to thank me for this, darling” he pushes the sweaty strands of hair from your forehead.

“Not for this” your nose scrunches up at him, “Just—“ you start, lip tucked under your teeth, “Just for everything”

“I love you”

Your muscles relax, giggle bubbling up your throat, “I love you more”

“We should have put a towel down, we just cleaned the sheets” he groans, falling on top of you.

You wheeze out a breath as his full weight settles over you; groaning as your walls clench around his cock that’s still nestled inside of you.

“I have a surprise for you” Jungkook’s lifts his head, and you crane your neck.

“Surprise?”

“Yeah, go pee and then I’ll show you” he tucks your hair behind your ear.

You thighs twitch at the slow drag of his softened cock as he slips out of you.

Jungkook’s fingers drag through your slit as his cum leaks out your hole, a whine pulled from the back of your throat as he fingers his cum back into you.

“How messy” he teases, and your cunt clenches around nothing as he smears his cum over your pussy, “Let me help clean you up”

Your boyfriend scoots down the bed, trail of kisses setting your skin alight as he makes himself comfortable between your legs.

He kisses over your clit, tongue flicking out, toying with the swollen little bud before he’s wrapping his lips around it. He continues to push his cum back into your sodden cunt, walls pulling him in until he’s knuckle deep inside of you.

You whine as he crooks his fingers upwards, stomach tensing as he slowly drags them out of you, mouth leaving sloppy kisses over your entrance, tongue teasing as he circles your hole.

You moan at the lewd noises your cunt makes, burning hot pleasure shooting straight to your throbbing clit as Jungkook’s fingers draw tight circles over the bundle of nerves.

“Cum on my tongue” Jungkook pulls away briefly, only to shove his face further into your cunt, scooping out his own cum and letting it coat his tongue.

Your fingers tangle into his hair, shuddering as his nose nudges against your clit, “I’m cumming” you whine, hips bucking into Jungkook’s face. Using him to get yourself off.

Jungkook hums, vibrations thrusting you head first into another orgasm, body still thrumming with the aftershocks of your previous high.

Jungkook doesn’t stop, tongue licking a bold stripe up your pussy, lips wrapping themselves your clit again— teeth gently scraping over the sensitive skin.

You sob, thighs clamping around his head. Another gush of slick leaks out your cunt and that’s all it takes for Jungkook to finally pull away.

You moan into the kiss as he holds himself up over you, mixture of your releases coating your lips. Jungkook’s chin shiny with your thick arousal. “Always so good for me”

✯ ✯ ✯

“Careful there’s another step” Jungkook warns, arms wrapping around you waist, helping you up the final step.

Your hands remain over your eyes, blindly trusting that Jungkook wouldn’t let you hurt yourself. A sentiment that doesn’t fly over his head, something he definitely thinks about way more than most boyfriends would— but he simply can’t help himself when it comes to you. Everything you’ve ever done is effortlessly perfect to him, and the fact you trusted him like this is enough to have him pressing kisses in all your favorite places.

“What are we doing?” you dare ask, knowing he wouldn’t give you a hint. He’d be adamant on keeping it a secret as the two of you showered and he helped you change.

Goosebumps prickle the skin of your arms when a door swings open. Breeze pushing your hair out of your face as Jungkook pulls you outside. First gust of fresh air causing the hair on the back of your neck to raise.

You’d always believed the night to be cathartic, something almost healing about simply living while people slept. The air always a little fresher, freedom easier to grasp. The world at ease when night fell, where the sky felt closer to the ground; endless possibilities sat at your feet like you finally had control over your life.

“Open your eyes” Jungkook gently pulls your hands away from your eyes.

You look around, “We’re on the roof?” you turn back to Jungkook, eyes furrowing in confusion.

“Look up” he points to the sky.

Your head tips back, mouth opening in awe at how clear the skies were— a million little stars winking at the two of you. Flickering like little fireflies, and you can’t help but smile as you spot a shooting star. Silent wish on the tip of your tongue, and Jungkook seems to have the same idea as his eyes flutter closed.

Jungkook pulls the blanket off his shoulder after making his wish, spreading it out on the floor. One the two of you had used countless times for picnic dates in the park.

“I thought we could stargaze. There aren’t any clouds tonight” he pats the blanket. Silent invitation for you to join him.

You wonder if it were possible to fall in love with someone all over again. Whatever love you felt for them amplifying until all you can feel in an inexplainable love for someone else.

Love is never linear. Never constant. It influxes, where maybe the lines of yours and Jungkook’s love cross paths every now and again when the two of you spend time alone like this. Everything seeming ever so easy when all that existed in your worlds were one another— orbiting until every other planet in the solar system is out of reach, where you’ll always stay together even as the universe crumbles around you.

Loving Jungkook has always been so easy. And truly you believe that for as long as there are stars in the sky, your love will forever be with him. Trusting that he’ll delicately hold your heart as you hold his, because there’s no one else in the entire universe you’d rather have by your side than your best friend.

“I really love you” you blurt, as the both of you lay side by side, “I love you doesn’t feel like enough to explain it”

“I feel like that a lot. It’s a weird feeling” he hums thoughtfully, and you nod your agreement.

“I like it” you murmur, fingers finding Jungkook’s, pinkies intertwined, “It’s a good feeling”

“I like it too” Jungkook turns his head to look at you, endeared smile on his face when you meet his eyes, “My star girl”

You smile at that, tilting your head, featherlight kiss pressed against Jungkook’s lips. Where he chases after you for another, and then another.

“There’s a meteor shower in a few weeks, we should go camping and watch it” Jungkook tells you mindlessly, a thought he’d been meaning to bring up days ago but had been lost somewhere in the dark corners of his mind.

“I’d like that” you nod, brushing his hair out of his eyes.

“I’d like that too” his nose scrunches up, and you kiss it; laughter bubbling up Jungkook’s chest, contagious as you start to giggle too.

Meeting Jeon Jungkook had been the luckiest part of your life, and maybe he was your special star. The one you always find whenever you turn towards the sky, no matter where you are, always watching over you.

To Jungkook, he’s more than certain you’re his. You’d always be the prettiest star in his universe, and he’ll continue to follow you until you fizzle out into stardust.

🪐 thank you so much for reading, feedback is always appreciated

permanent taglist: @m1sss1mp @supernoonanyc

request:

[magicalrocketships]

hey I just want to say that your maxiel fic it's one of the best fics I've ever read. From the writing style, the characterization of them, the plot line, everything is amazing and so fucking delicious do read. When Im reading it I just know that every phrase, every word was written with such care urgh I want to live in your mind!!! Great work, truly!!! (And I wanted to know if you had any inspo to write it, any book/movie rec, I'm truly absorbed by the plot !!)

Thank you so much ♥️♥️♥️ You are so kind!!! I will be adding this to my little google doc of nice comments to go back and reread on bad days :)

Look, okay, I literally could not remember the inspiration for it apart from that it came from a middle of the night chat with @powerful-owl, but I just searched our history for it and let's just say it has no book/movie inspiration other than my personal interest that night in their dicks.

The initial bit of the idea is below the read more (just my side of the convo, I pulled it out into a doc when I was pulling it into a plan).

(Obvs spoilers for anyone who hasn't read it)

Anyway would read yet ANOTHER fic where one of them sends the other nudes 

And then they send many more

Idk

But also ALSO nudes graduate to come pictures

Which maybe graduate to jerk off vids

And it is important that at NO point do they talk about this AT ALL

not a single word spoken AT ALL

until one video where max comes and says ‘Daniel’

Imagine Daniel just happily jerking off in response to Max’s video and maybe he’s FILMING to send the response back to max and he hasn’t watched it first

And then Max says his name and Daniel… well it is caught on camera

Instant wide eyed jizz

“Max?” And Daniel just breathlessly covered in come and still fucking recording

And he sends it without rewatching

And maybe they tend to send them a bit sporadically idk they’re BUSY they have real life and maybe dating to do idk but it’s gonna end with THEM

but like it’s an hour later and max is in a bathroom and the video is just him jerking off over the sink or something because he can prop his phone up and he’s just like “Daniel, Daniel, so fucking hot, Daniel” and then he comes

Like SUPER fast

And Daniel is the irl 😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

I feel like Daniel should get that video when he’s out

At like a RESTAURANT

having to sneak into an accessible bathroom because it’s the only one he can listen in with the sound on

Like literally having to ditch his date so he can go home and rub one out to his fucking racing competitor

Also max is going to have a girlfriend at this point

Because I want him to

So they just have to keep sneaking around

--

[so yes, there's no reason for cheating other than it's SUCH a bad idea and it's SO awful and I just wanted to explore that/write it because I've never done it before, and I think they really could get lost in what they want over the other, better moral choice]

[naynah-pinsence]

W.I.T.C.H. redesigns

Like with my Winx redesigns, I mostly browsed the wiki and blended my favorite design elements together lol.

I did end up using more New Power elements in the 1st forms, and the original designs in the 2nd forms. Idk knowing that the girls got to cover up more as they grew up instead of covering up more as kids....not a huge fan.

Overall: Guardians got color-coded wings. I really really like the og wing shapes, but the color-coding feels more classic magical girl to me so. I did use the shoe-less element from the reboot in the 2nd form. Bare feet feels more spiritual/magical imo. I actually like that part of the reboot design! Same with the element icons. 1st forms get more of the urban part of the urban fantasy look. Comfy tennis shoes for all. 2nd form gets gold accessories. 2nd form's main colors are the darker sub colors of the og. 2nd form socks are gradients instead of striped 2 tone. Normal clothes are mostly the og 2000s look. Idk I think that Will's technomancy is less impressive if Siri exists lol.

Elyon: I used Elyon's reboot hair texture. I always thought that between the color and texture of og Elyon's hair that it looked like straw? She's got a "chubby" body. I use "" bc she looks average, but would be considered chubby?

Will: If Disney owns these girls then Will gets a Kermit shirt. Since she's a tomboy, both of her guardian forms get shorts. 1st form gets a hood. Her hair gets some of her mother's waves. Normal hair does the emo hide-the-eye thing: really lean into her angst. In both guardian forms her hair does not change length. The short hair is truly her. Her bangs get the og treatment, and some hair gets tucked behind her left ear. The heart gets absorbed into Will in guardian form: she can still use it, it just isn't physically there in guardian form.

Irma: Dresses like she's an extra on Hannah Montana. It feels right. Her guardian hair gets space buns bc sometimes in her civilian forms she wore them, and I think she looks cute in them. Her 1st form is has heavy insp from Cassidy's guardian form. I just like the top better lol. Since Will lost the og little heart on her skirt, I gave it to Irma. It feels more Irma anyway imo. Irma also gets a chubbier body type.

Taranee: I love og Taranee's civilian form. I love her clothes, I love her hair, I love the hair beads, man og Tarnee's look is so chef's kiss to me. So I really didn't change anything. I have never once in my life understood what in the world og guardian Taranee's hair was supposed to be! In og New Power, she gets dreds, but keeps her 1st form hair too???? Dreds was my only guess as to what those were supposed to be, but with NP's hair having both, I don't think they were dreds??? And they don't look like the way that braids/hair twists are drawn in the comic (og Elyon has hair twists? Or at least I've interpreted that style as twists rather than braids?). So that plus how much I love civilian Taranee's hair, 1st form gets the civilian hair. She looses the beads, but gets a a wrap colored with the gradient of the purple-teal. 2nd form gets braids with gold accessories. I always felt like Taranee's og guardian forms seemed less designed than the others bc there were no swirly designs?? I mean, she gets a small heart on her collar, but that was taken off in the animated series probably for animation reasons. I actually like the triangle cut-out instead of the heart bc of fire's triangle icon, so I used that. I did take the waistline from Cornelia's skirt (my personal favorite waistline) and gave it it her shorts. She gets long sleeves in the 1st form. I just think it looks nicer than the sleeveless look in this design.

Cornelia: Both guardian forms get longer hair. 1st form gets a choker necklace. She looses the long sleeves and gets sleeves. Looking at og Cornelia and Irma's 1st forms, Cornelia's feels like a more elegant version of Irma's, so I wanted to keep that element in a way. Her skirt waistline gets turned to become the hem of the top. Her 2nd form keeps the og collar, but her top is inspired from comic Halinor's 1 sleeve shirt: Cornelia's top is 1 sleeved with a long glove.

Hay Lin: She gets braids in both forms. Like with Irma, sometimes she wears braids in civilian form, and I think it's cute. 2nd form gets two braids combined into a single one in the back, letting the rest of her hair blow free in the wind. She also gets sleeves in both forms for max blowing-in-the-wind factor, plus I wanted at least 2 members to have bell sleeves. 1st form gets NP Irma's top with an edited neckline. 2nd form gets the heart waistline, a lengthened skirt, and a choker necklace. Her civilian form looses the goggles, replaced with purple jelly sunglasses.

[dinoburger]

a couple folks who watched me mess around with crafts and amateur mask making thought I should document the process, idk if anyone would be interested in all that here, but it was a process alright.

I wanted to try to do it as cheap as possible while trying to aim for the best quality I could, most of what I bought for it was just a styrofoam head to build off as a base, some cheap plasticine that feels nasty and greasy and smells unpleasant but it's reusable at least, some plaster, PVA glue and some little tubs of glaze and gesso.

I decided I was going to try using that diy recycled craft paper I've seen people make so that was a whole tangent. I never liked that newspaper strips as paper mache just kind of peel and make things nasty, which isn't what I wanted. I figured not having a grain in the same way, being softer and more pliable would be the advantage of diy paper.

I made a deckle and mould by dismantling a shallow rectangular jewelry box I picked up off the side of the road with a hammer - pretty, uhm, roughly, I only meant to take the bottom out of the box and the top out of the lid so I'd have two matching frames, but kind of smashed it to bits, I found a bunch of bulldog clips to hold it back together. The rig works, but it's chaotic at best, hahaha

I absolutely wasn't going to use the blender for making paper pulp, I found a beat up old stick mixer that broken down entirely not long after I'd started using it. I mainly made my pulp by squashing it up with my hands after letting it soak for 12 hours, which took at least a couple of hours to do myself. I tried also mashing it up like how the ancient Greeks made wine: by putting it in a tub and stomping, but I can't say that was particularly effective and mostly it made an ungodly mess.

So, I built my mask's face off the styrofoam head and cast it in plaster, which worked well except that the nose broke. Combination of not using enough to reinforce that area and the fact that I used a strip of cardboard to support the plasticine I built up for the nose, and it absorbed the dampness of the wet plaster and kind of... exacerbated the problem I think by making it structurally less stable.

The casting tutorial suggested vaseline to grease the inside of the mold but I wasn't sure we had any so I substituted with a chunk of soap I cut off a bar and made into a paste. I think that worked fine.

my first cast wasn't great, I pulled the mask out too quickly and the texture of all the paper that was stuck to the inside and then quickly stuck back to the mask lost a lot of the details. I also tried building up some of the damaged parts with this one - definitely better to cast well the first time than try to fix a botched mask, it lost even more integrity because of how the wet paper being added and extra weight made it lose shape. The whole bridge of the nose kind of collapsed in on itself.

The second cast I did with pure paper pulp since I had lots of it left, and it crumbled apart when I pulled it out, but even the chunks of it I had were much more promising - they felt smooth and got more of the details of the wrinkles in the plaster mould.

Third one is the one in the post linked above, a layer of pulp followed by diy paper strips... idk what it is, you'd expect it to be sort of similar since one is just dried out paper pulp, but something about the process of letting it form a kind of membrane on the surface of the deckle before drying it gives it a more cohesive quality. I used plenty of paste in this run too.

The nose unfortunately still had to be rebuilt at the tip but I was cautious not to get any of the other bits of the mask wet. I think 48 hours is probably like, Bare Minimum for drying time, especially for more porous materials - I'm currently drying a fifth one, the fourth was cast with pulp I made from bark just for the hell of it, and it was still pretty damp even after sitting it in front of the gas heater on and off for 2 days. I mean hell, I have the mould now, might as well use it.

I also tried to recast the nose so we'll see if that works, it wasn't too much of an ordeal to stick some plasticine in there and try to reshape it.

The first cast also ended up being my decorating test run, I wanted to see if just glazing over sharpie instead of painting would work - it's alright, but there's probably better techniques. The thing about drawing anything elaborate directly onto the mask is that it's hard to get pen into the wrinkles, you're better drawing on paper separately and decoupaging it on I reckon.

Oh, did you know sharpie marker bleeds through gesso and acrylic paint? I've tried to paint over stuff and it always kind of amazes me how penetrative alcoholic pen marks are when the paint dries, even when applied really thick.

I managed to draw on the gold lines with metallic sharpie in my first run but it didn't work the second time - I think drawing over paint might have damaged the marker? - so I sort of improvised with the metallic string. My mum likes collecting ribbons and strings and coloured paper for gifts so I nicked a bunch of those things. The pansy bead on the forehead came from a button shop and the tiny one on the bridge of the nose actually came from my great grandmother's collection of beads that I inherited :')

Ah, and the staining - before I went over with a medium gloss glaze I tried to get that, what is it, distressed? varnished? that kind of darker brown that makes the masks look aged and gets into the crevices, emphasizing the wrinkles very nicely. I tried tea and coffee as a kind of stain, the coffee worked a lot better - there's still some grains stuck around the mask's cheek, haha. I also used the coffee to stain the skewers I'm thinking of using for quills (they aren't completely stuck on yet.

The thread is partially pushed through the mask to keep it in place and make sure it doesn't just peel off, I used pins to pin it to the mask and pva glue to keep it in position, removing the pins after it dried. I stitched the ribbon onto the back before I glued it down and sealed it all over with gesso. I'm not 100% on how sturdy it is but I'm hoping it holds.

... I think that's where I'm at with it so far, I might decorate the "quills" more with beads or something. idk yet.

[genericpuff]

Oh, so that's where the whole "Lolita" thing came from... Uh. I can understand the whole tiredness that going down that rabbit whole provoked you, so it's okay if you wanna rest for a while.

On another note, can I say this whole "Dr. Pepper show" comic reeks of mid 2000s weirdly disturbing content? Like, I'm not trying to say all those things back then were bad, but I think you get what I mean when I say that... Yeah, the 2000s were wild times and tons of stuff that shouldn't be normalized or publicly exposed as "okay" were, well, alright.

And I mean, there's nothing wrong with liking or making content with dark topics. But there's just something about the whole "Gothic lolitas" that make me feel uncomfortable. Like, yeah, I know is a fashion style on some areas. But, like, knowing RS particular interpretation of what it is doesn't make me feel any better.

So, uh, when you feel better (and if it's okay), any theories on what the webcomic could have been about? I personally think it may have been straight-up nsfw of, well, whatever the plot of it was. Or maybe another one of those "purity culture deconstructs", idk.

Anywho, thanks for the info from where "usedbandaid" originates. Have a nice rest of the day. And i'm so sorry for whatever horrors you may have witnessed.

haha I'm okay, honestly, it wasn't so much horrifying in the sense of being like, legitimately triggered, it was more so just like ... whoof. I gotta ease up on my own habits because there's nothing here that I need to be seeing LMAO Just kinda makes me feel sorry for myself a little bit for getting sucked into it in the first place but I know it's just my ADHD tendencies to be like "OOH, STUFF??? I WANNA ABSORB ALL THE STUFF" (instead of doing the things I'm supposed to be doing).

Man, if people go on this many rabbitholes to find my old art some day... let me know because I'd genuinely love to see LOL I've lost so many of my old pieces over the years. But I'm sure there's also still plenty of cringe that would make me (⊙x⊙;) So I'll give RS credit there, a lot of that old stuff - especially The Doctor Pepper Show - was made when she was like, 18. I can understand her maybe wanting to disconnect herself from both that comic and her old usernames affiliated with more more fetish-y art. But that's the Internet for you. It's true what they say - anything you post on the Internet is there forever. Even stuff from 20 years ago.

Oh god 2004 was nearly 20 years ago-

As for The Doctor Pepper Show, there are still pages out there for it that you can find, along with summaries. I think she got about 3 chapters in before she quit doing it (seemed to be due to her going to college around the same time which is like, yeah, valid). Unfortunately so far it seems there isn't a way to get entire chapters to read it at length, but there are some spare pages floating around.

I believe it was about a woman in a neo-Victorian society trying to become a doctor ? (from what I've been told) which is interesting but you can still tell there was a lot of RS' own personal kink stuff going into it. Which is like, fine, more power to her, at the VERY least she was right to put it behind an 18+/R rating back then. But it's wild that she's still doing that sort of thing in a comic that's being marketed to children (LO). Makes me wonder if she'd ever return to it after LO is done, god knows when that day will come though.

[floralkittygambler]

Coming and Going - Some More Vivzie Shit

Before you start, this is an extremely LONG read covering this account, my views of Viv, my content and my relationships within this Godforsaken fandom. This is my most up to date thoughts in 2023 on everything. This is something I feel necessary for me to do.

Contents (in no particular order):

Current Situation

Relationships in the fandom

Why I started this Blog

Thoughts on Viv/co and how they've changed since m previous posts

the fans

future thoughts and moving on

accountability

If any of this interests you, read ahead. Titles will be provided for easier following.

Why I started this blog

Originally this was a blog like any other; art, reblogs n shit. As I grew more into a Viv fan, I started posting fanart and follow blogs on her work. The more I learned the more I hated, and thus I began to become a critic. I was pissed off at viv wasting her potential, and eventually I became just as toxic and shitty as both her hardcore haters and majority of her fans. Some takes were good, some bad, either way I got too involved, too absorbed and let it consume me. Stupidly getting into conflicts, stuff like that. And I became a hardcore hater. I vocalised it. My initial aims long lost. Then I disappeared.

Vivzie, co, all that

I went from adoration to disgust of this lot. Now though, whilst I deeply dislike Viv and her crew, deeply dislike majority of the fans, I just feel... Gross. Hollow. Exhausted. I have a lot to say on Viv and my previous takes but truthfully I am too lazy and too tired and ultimately have better shit to do than go through every little thing right *now*. But I do want to at least cover a few here to do some justice, I guess.

So to skim through a few. Lets go.

Viv tracing. Honestly, tracing is a useful skill but it's bad when you trace another's work, don't credit and claim it as your own. This includes modified tracing (starting with a trace then stylising over it to make it more your style). Having nazi, nonce, etc characters I think people take extreme. These sorts make excellent "love to hate them" villains. Owning such characters isn't a crime. It's how theyre portrayed and the purpose. The nuance - something to constantly keep in mind. Her romanticism sausage party art is yikes. With her age, maturity, humour, I believe she saw this as some kind of fucked up humour, having enough awareness to understand the taboo to hide this stuff yet I do feel this was a stupid kid doing stupid edgy shit. Does that make it right? No. But I definitely dont think Viv is some nonce or nazi supporter. Later finding out how this profile was discovered makes me equally question morality on all sides. Vivs beastiality nonce artwork with the snake tub, Ive seen private dms to solidify that viv admitted to both owning this piece and that it was supposed to be a joke. Once again, I genuinely dont think shes a nonce BUT she needs to realise that if that character was below 18, she has drawn child prawn (censorship whooo) as well as distributed it via sharing online. That's still something really serious and gross. I get her humour is immature and dark, but theres lines you dont cross. And I dont find that art funny in any ways, it genuinely looks like a perverts wank bank rather than funny. Idk if the lad was one of them shapeshifting animals either but being in a human form in this instance does make the portrayal a beastiality one, due to human presenting. That's not cool. As much as I loathe those who would abuse kids or animals, I dont think this is Viv necessarily. Though I believe in this sense, Viv needs to understand and work with her cats more. She's done a lot of wrong shit but false accusations derail from solid proven issues that need addressing. At the least, Im glad the animal pervs and nonce stuff is gone. Heartbreaking that shit is so often heard of. This is the sort of thing Id laugh at as a kid but now Im grown and look after little ones, it fills me with nothing but sickening horror. Whilst vile vile vile, I havent seen anything concrete to prove or imply Viv supporting/participating in such depravity. And I fucking pray it stays that way.

You have apologised in the past. But the way you did so, the way you spoke about it afterwards and the way you are now proves it was insincere. Something to shut 'haters' up.

Viv, with all your shit, neurodiversity and late maturity, you're still yet to change for the better. The people you hang with are some of the most vile, toxic, narcissistic and shitty people. Yes men. You hire fans who'll do anything to please you, which can open the path to abuse (note: CAN, not a definitive, though in this case...). You equally are still a shitty person still. You're coming apart at the seams. Critique and hate aren't the same, and unfortunately you'll need adaptability and tough skin in this world as people can be very cruel. You lie. You twist like a constrictor. Charm the more susceptible. A very well known kissarse of yours on twitter who was quite the bully was followed by yourself, liked tweets then hired. They arent the only one either. Whilst you cannot be responsible for every single fans every single action, their are responsibilities you hold. Dont like tweets that encourage hate, dont reward negative behaviours, check your own public actions and how they may influence (act like a prick and those who admire you will mimic). Behind the scenes, treat people right. Dont play favourites. Always have integrity. Learn to incorporate critiques as well as filter out legitimate hate. I know it's not easy, but it's necessary to survive.

Viv, I can wholeheartedly empathise with receiving harsh hate early on in life and online. I know how that can taint and stunt the mind. But the thing is, you have to eventually break from that. BE responsible. Grow. Ive been toxic before. That's partially why I fixate on some of this. Equally Im angry. You ARE a VERY talented artist with potential. A shitty writer, do work on that (as well as diverse stories to tell - gain those experiences or listen to those who've been there - esp as you're doing this as a living) but when you're passionate about a piece, you're talented. And when you're not, you do what we all do and dole shite out (btw people thought I was bullying Viv when I said her P5 Alastor piece was bad in comparison to her other works. The proportions were awful, you could tell she just wanted it out the way. A startling lack of soul.) From what I've seen, you crave approval and admiration to compensate from the past cruelty. I can empathise. But that shit isnt healthy. And you block yourself from growth. You cultivate a tainted crop. You poison yourself. You sacrifice integrity and the gruelling work of improvement for the instant gratification of worship from fans by bending to their desires and your own at the cost of quality. What couldve been groundbreaking storytelling and visuals is nothing more than a glorified low-level fanfic. Wasted potential. Something I cant stand. I have been harsh as that same method helped me. In doing so, I disregarded your own humanity. I wish I conducted myself better and though I never encouraged abuse, I'm sorry that my words may have contributed to this shit cycle.

Your staff and many of your fans have... Concerning attributes, such as the fetishing of toxic relationships, blurred boundaries, disregard of boundaries, etc. The stark numbers of such unpleasant people flocking you is extremely worrying.

I do deeply dislike you. I do feel you have ultimately caused your own shit - been there - but I do pity you as well. I wish you'd go the effort to be you. To be less try hard. To allow growth and change, diversity, stop petting hatred. Get a better crowd, esp one willing to actually help you to be better by pointing shit out. To stop mass abusing others. I do dislike you greatly. I wish you would do better but all you've been doing is doubling down on shit. I feel Icarus needs to fly closer to the Sun for change to happen. It feels like the only way you may actually ground yourself and smell the roses. I just wish folk could be better as a whole. Sick of shit like this. Whilst no one is perfect, there's still standards to uphold. Growth to be had. Breach stereotypes and fetishes that dehumanise, work on yourself and your relationships with others. Careful on your humour and learn how to execute humour properly. Glad you're not doing beastiality art though. You cant please everyone and shouldnt have to in order to be admired and popular. Just be better. Also hating kids isnt a personality. I get not everyone cares about them but dont take shit too far. They can be gross and annoying but in the end they're just... Children. Theyre learning and growing. You can only hope they bloom into decent people. Admittedly a kid tripping is pretty funny but there's a limit. If you want to portray a creep, don't do anything that endorses their behaviours. Theyre vile, remember. No kid deserves that. Work on financing too. Medicating via shopping is a dangerous road. Dont bend to social pressures (such as getting wasted because friends do if you dont want to). Vet your staff. Better ethics.

Fandom

And the fans are just... A minority are lovely. I had a HuskerDust fan be respectful of our differences and hope the best for them. But the majority I've encountered or witnessed have been off their fucking heads. Often encouraged by Viv or staff. The staff and fans are now claiming that critics are homophobic racists falsely (which implies certain races, sexualities, identities, etc are absolved of criticism - which is both favouritism and it's own form of bigotry. Hell, it's spitting on the real victims of such crimes over mediocre cartoons and digital lunacy). These same people then insult people for... being cis and straight. Firstly, that's also bigotry and a dick move on identity and invalidation, it's also false in some cases (proving folks just spew shit), it demands special treatment for identities when we're all equal and deserve to be treated with equity, it's also just... Weak. Bigots can fuck off BUT many critiques have been about inconsistency in plots, writing and design issues, etc. Nothing pertaining identity.

Fans have been hypocritical like their idol. We're all hypocritical to an extent. But the madness... Ok, Blitzo uses retard (note: neurodivergant and have right to say that word, even then it also means delay "fire retardant" as well as where I live it's not nearly as bad as another term used yet is still fine in the US.) I think this isn't an issue as it can show things or speech patterns of the character. Then fans have falsely accused critics of ableism who either havent used the word, quoting this or even have right to say it yet coddle this fictional character. This was referenced in a recent episode with Blitzo about to call another character (rumours are this nurse is autistic but I do NOT have full confirmation. Pinch of salt!) retard before retracting it as it being unacceptable to say. Blitzo really wouldnt give a shit. Likewise I feel this is one of those permanant grey areas in fiction; is it? Isnt it? in terms of using terms. Of Mice and Men used slurs against black folk, that was to reflect that time and the character's mentalities. Not an author's mirror. Likewise, it wasn't used as humour either. Coming from ONE ND, I couldn't care. I feel this is hyperfocused on over more glaring issues, as well as a benefit of the doubt (being character mindset and possibly not author projection). Feel free to have your own opinions, and I only speak for myself there. I can empathise with those who may feel more sensitive to the word (which is why Im more careful in it's use) but as someone who is also technically affected, I just... Personally dont feel too bothered. Likewise, I'm learning to hold more human compassion and flexibility to error and human flaws rather than perfect standards (again, this wont justify or absolve. And more serious things like an assault doesnt apply. It's daft this needs clarifying, it should be the bare minimal). Not everyone will agree on everything, but there's just some lines that should be a standard. I think the staff and fans overall conduct themselves immaturely, cruelly, and cause harm.

I regret in engaging in some arguments. Not worth it. I think I shouldve been more compassionate to difference yet equally not been so volatile with harassment. HunterGirl's HD discord hate on me is... Something I shouldn't have fed. Hate me, that's fine. But the fact someone so close to Viv allowed the harassment is disappointing and shitty. Bitch behind the scenes but dont go out at people. Likewise behind the scenes talk, dont threaten folk either *Viv* (at one of your ex-staff). Call someone the biggest wanker you know but there are limits you dont cross. As with Viv and co, I once hoped for improvement but I just lack faith in that now and I'd just rather stay away from it all. Too much toxicity I've allowed myself to bathe in and hatred and venom only burns. Only burns more of the same product. It's not worth it. Don't even have the skills or assets to do any good from this either. If I can't help, itd be best to support those who can help whilst staying away from the vitriol. Stick to the facts and my own integrity. It's tiring to be involved in all... this. Again, I can only speak on myself hence why I'm only saying me shit. Any vents can be done to friends but otherwise none of this has resulted in any good. And I contributed to cruelty as well. It aint right.

Friendships

Bit more personal and past. Ive made many nice friends. Friends Im still friends with now, and I thank them. With certain issues arising, theyve been the anchors to ground and account me. Real friends. Friends that deserve to be shown more how appreciated they really are. Thank you. They have guided me into better awareness and accountability. We have our own little group now for art, gaming and hopefully any other group activities. Friend stuff. We'll rant, we'll vent, but we're actually doing friend shit now. Ive hyperfixated enough on negatives. Dragged others into an abyss with me. Its not fair for them.

There is a friend here, I think they dont see my stuff anymore idk. I was warned about them. Through all Ive seen and my experiences, I wish you to get help. Get off tumblr. Get off twitter. Both can be extremely toxic as well as cultivate toxicity. Be accountable. Get help. And focus on you. I still worry for you, though I am disgusted on some of your actions. Treat the living with respect. Learn that people will try to bait you. Let go of paranoia (not easy), confront your past and grow. And please... Dont lie. Dont lie about events that occur as you're creating your own misery. Learn to step back and not be so forceful and preachy. Been there, it's not a good place. Experience a diverse crowd on a human level. And please spend some time away from the internet. People really can be pricks sometimes. Even ourselves. You're also pretty hair trigger and tempered. A bit like me sometimes LOL. Learn to balance that. Trust me.

To mates on here who Ive only spoken to here, if you'd still like to be mates, I can link you our group if you're up for group art and gaming or activities, or to another social media account to chat.

To unanswered asks, I'll try but not promise to address them. Those which ended up deleted, I can only remember the one question sorry. And the answer is Sitri. Sitri would be a good HB replacement for Stolas, he's quite the love/lust expert and a focus on men. Fun chap! I had more for this answer but again, cant be arsed with this shit anymore. Sorry.

I joined a spindle critique group. What I learned is the union from bitterness isnt solid grounds for friendship. I wont go into details as it's a private and resolved matter. I shared the full log to current friends to have a neutral and raw take. These are friends I can trust will yank my chain if Im in the wrong. And they did. They spoke of the wrongs on both sides. These are folks who are guiding me to better. Folks I have trusted with the full log, full transparency. I appreciate you both and take your words into stride daily. To old friends, I would rather friends make their own choices. I never hated you, but was hurt on this other side of you. Likewise Im sorry to make you feel that way. Im sorry to have trauma dumped (recently discovered this term, and using it to manage myself better.) There was only one individual that I was given uneasy vibes on and made that clear from the start. I tried with them. For awhile, I even started to see them as a genuine friend. In the end, we were too clashing. We didn't mesh well. My initial feeling on the situation ultimately felt true. But when I open up about home issues and emotions, I dont want them weaponised. Especially as Ive been doing some irl work to find many holes in my perspective as well as others hard work in being involved with me. Things are different now. Never felt it needed in convo, I was too fixed on my own hurt. Home was self preservation at those times. I regret opening up over some personal issues. None of this absolves me of poorly handling situations and anger issues. Near the end, I felt more wary to be more open on certain things. But I shouldve been a better friend. I never liked how catty things got. Trolled. We all just became knobs in one way or another.

My ask to remove my triggers was me hoping to do good for you. Remove a trigger that would inevitably end up being a large part of the group sooner or later, maybe this summer. Especially as I 'lacked empathy'. I thought I was doing good. I never lied about it, and feel bitter that was twisted. If I explained something, I was wrong. Kept it brief, I was bitchy. I was willing to endure a trigger if it made things easier in the group, and the situation was more than a stupid ship. Ive had triggers Ive adapted to handle better now. And public, you are not entitled to my medical history however we're in an age where youre both valid and entitled to privacy yet must breach privacy to have a voice. I have an ED. A certain word wasn't even allowed in my presence without panic and flashbacks. I was a little girl then. And I managed to slowly ease the trigger word via gradual exposure - a replacement word, spelling the word, and eventually hearing the word. It - and what it has done to me - will always scar me. But I learned to handle it better in my own time. I dont need lecturing on how triggers work. Especially when each case is unique, each 'cure' is personalised. If you want to believe Im full of shit then... Do that. Im sorry for being a shitty friend at times and Im working on that, but outside opinions (note: these are done in private spaces so all parties are anon) have noted flaw on your end too. We all fucked up. The two things below the belt were the trigger claims (hence my example of my own experiences with another trigger) and my private issues shared in confidant are the two things I remain disgusted by. That doesnt justify my frustrations, dumping or behaviour. And my example is not a pity ploy either. We're separate now, and it's best that way.

Overall, being here, in this community and fandom, has done nothing but shit. Fuelled the worst in me and others (from what ive seen in public fandom spaces). I may do art and other creative endevours on spindle, but otherwise good riddance. Even if the purge is painful.

Another friend. Im in their group too. One to improve some creative skills. Appreciate being let in there, though I'll probably mainly lurk for tips. Thank you for allowing me to do so. Wording is honestly growing harder for me each day. It's helping me start the path of better expression.

Current and future

I word shit less. Not here, as this is long overdue. But trying to sum up more efficiently. Spending more time irl to improve myself and my life. Welcoming friends who we both can hold each other accountable and support. Focusing more on stuff to improve as well as enjoy. The world is so dismal. So I spend time doing other stuff. Im already mopey enough. Sorting things to refine and focus on enjoyments. Gaining skills to help others. Experienced some personal griefs/losses. And Im learning that people arent entitled to everything. Not quite there yet but Im learning. Im often in deep pain, so cant always do what I want to get done in a day.

Most likely, I will discontinue this. Besides others have been doing a brilliant job. Dont absorb yourself. You can control much of what you get exposed to, so what you can control, make it good! Have integrity, work on yourselves. Try not to be a dickhead but acknowledge where you are a dickhead and work on that. Balance is key to a healthy mind, take the good with the not so good. Take the time to simply sit outside and observe. Appreciate life. Similarities and differences. Nothing is perfect. No one is perfect. But have your standards. Learn. Grow.

Im in a lot of pain and have shit to do. Take care. I feel Viv, co, fans will only learn with drastics, haters need to learn empathy (haters as in stalker level folk), old friends Im sorry to hurt and equally feel hurt by. Best we've gone separate ways and moving on. Current friends I appreciate. That one person, please... PLEASE get help. Youre young, man- This shit is going to poison your very core. Make you into something shitty and cruel. And please treat animals with care. Me, still a twat but trying. Embrace truth, compassion and fairness with a firm angle. Or just avoid nasty shit.

Well, cya. Stay well. We're not going to be here forever.

[lanatusnebula]

Megaman Ships

Don't read this if you're expecting me to mention Classic or Starforce at all.

My ships... I have art stashed but it's really weird. The environment of the internet has shifted drastically over the years, and I think some people take things too seriously. But... I ship things. I'm not trying to make a big deal about it, just want to gush about the stuff I like. :) (and don't like)

The X series

I really love the X series to bits! I actually don't ship any of the characters here. I think they're all precious in their own way, though. X and Zero, as a kid, I never really shipped.

But I guess things change over time.

Some people make some wondrous content showing how close the two could actually be. It's endearing...

I don't like Iris's writing or how some people insist she's The One To Ship With Zero. Even if it's suggested like... in minute ways, I just... dunno. It feels like the devs wanted people to ship X and Zero but it was too GAY so they made a female X and said "have at it." Which... is so weird? Everything Zero could've liked about Iris, we see X exhibit those exact traits, AND MORE. It could be the "Zero just might be a heterosexual so he isn't into X", but I mean, if Dmmd taught me anything, it's that seeking out female versions of the guy you're totally not into doesn't work out.

Alia is a cool character! Reducing her to simply X's flat and 2D love interest was... depressing. I loved how she had a kill streak in x6! It made her super interesting. Idk what happened in... was it x8? Like, get that game away from me.

Axl is a cutie pie but he's more husbando material than he is shipping material for me. He just wants to sit at the cool kid's table and managed to nab a seat...

I dunno.

Layer is hot tho ha

aha

haha

-

The Zero series

I lost my fucking mind with this series. I went from "I don't ship robots in this cool game" to just mix and matching everyone in every which-way.

Some weirdo freaks got me into shipping Omega Zero with Copy X. Do not ask how that is logical or what could possibly be their dynamic. I just like the aesthetic. It makes no sense. They didn't coexist in the same room. Ever.

Ciel x Fefnir is like my guilty ship. Most of my AUs seem to naturally form some sort of organic bond between them subconsciously. Fefnir, though a hot head, seems like the kind of guy who's a good sport. I like the idea of little ol' Ciel crushing on the football player lookin guy, and he thinks that she's adorable in her own right. You know - X's whole inherent love of humans or whatever I probably made up. That's my justification.

I obviously ship Harpuia and Zero.

Where some people find cyberelf X and Zero to be top shelf, I raise the offer "yes but he can actually touch Harpuia without absorbing him like every other cyberelf". (I will admit I love shipping Cyberelf X with Zero in that very strange maternal-esque "I will embrace your corpse so that you may rest forever" edgelord shit. I snort it daily don't worry.)

Harpuia rescuing Zero for no Fucking Reason in z2 fucked me up. Why'd you do that? What'd you do that for? You picked him up and rode on your shitty little bird to drop him off at the correct address, so you even knew where Ciel and friends were staying? Right after Zero off'd your beloved X? Yeah? You did that why? (I know it's probably related to that whole chapter where Harpuia is nearly a better ruler than Copy X and just makes all the right choices in contrast to his previous ruler blah blah blah) But what if it's because he has programmed into him the same unbreakable love for Zero (platonically) that X had? We know that the guardians get some sort of weird high when fighting Zero so... why not further fuck up that interpretation of X and Zero's relationship?

I really like portraying Harpuia as being the only one who didn't completely cave in and go bonkers from battling Zero. He just sort of kept it inside. Poorly. And it comes out in small amounts via weird actions. Leviathan I portray mostly as a kid with a magnifying glass over some ants, Fefnir as the kinda guy to just be an adrenaline junkie, and Phantom thought it was a flaw in his programming so he blew up.

Cyberelf X and Copy X is GOOD SHIT MM THAT'S SOME GOOD SHIT 👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌there👌👌👌 right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my self 💯 i say so 💯 thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👌 👌НO0ОଠOOOOOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌👌 👌 💯 👌 👀 👀 👀 👌👌Good shit

My only justification of it is either Cyberelf X hates his guts or is Copy X's only friend. And Copy X's emotions are already fucked up like every other inch of his programming.

Ciel and Copy X though I ship them in a familial sense. He's obsessed with protecting her and Ciel is like "I made him! :)" I've got some pics lying around (they're gone) of Ciel reading ancient books to Copy X while he lays in her bed at night. She says it's to help him sleep, but since that isn't How Reploids Work, he's really there to pretend to fall asleep when he notices Ciel is about to. Then when she passes out he stares at her all night, stroking her hair. Like a freak. But please, it's not romantic; I do not want it to be at all. I just want him to be weird.

-

ZX series.

Get your tomatoes ready. I'm finna make an ass outta myself. ;(

OG Prometheus and Aile is a new ship. I can't... explain this one? I don't know.

The AU I'm writing has Grey retreive the original body plans for Prometheus and Pandora from the lab he was made in, near end game before Prometheus and Pandora bite the bucket. Presuming that Flueve and friends aboard the Guardian can make bodies themselves (fuck you I don't think Ciel was making new bodies for everyone solo), Grey asks Aile if they can give Pandora and Prometheus a second chance, since they're likely controlled by Model W. She says "what are you smoking". I just like Grey to be selfless in the dumbest ways imaginable.

Pandora and Prometheus dies. I think it is stupid that they get left behind, so I imagine that he used model F megaman form thing to drag them out (like how Aile should've done herself in the first game) flops their corpses at Aile's doorstep and is like "I got the EC to pay for this." And shenanigans happen. They rebuild their old bodies, do some wacky techno shit with their DNA and put it in the new bodies akin to how reploids age in canon (assumption). Prometheus and Pandora wake up as normal ass people.

But they're also lowkey enlsaved by the Guardians because like uhh um uhh ummm "you owe us. but forever" and they're ok with this and something about duplicating model w don't ask It's fucking stupid I'm insecure about it but they can megamerge into their old forms but aren't allowed to go ape shit and prometheus and aile become sorta close in that antagonizing way because she has to watch him closely while pandora hangs out with grey like a little brother and it's all warm and fuzzy and they have no problems (i stole the idea from the stupid japanese site's weird little roleplay things) that's her little buddy you know and don't worry about it i just ship aile and prometheus

My Girouette ships are off limits. I'd be sentenced to death.

I ship Siarnaq and Grey because my AI roleplay partner shoved it onto me with rose prose and I was like "... you know what? this will work". My ship count is being dominated by the sheer number of AUs and oneshots I've written about those two. Ask and I will divulge

some

of them. But otherwise I'm mmgngngjghgngmgnggnmgngm Really Grey being an unaging kid complicates things. I'm pretty sure he doesn't have a life span, and I do not subscribe to the "reploids naturally grow" head canon because it's pretty stupid to think technology got that far when it was stated in-game that it isn't. that's like Legends shit.

I ship Thetis one-sided with Aile because it's Extremely Funny. No other reason.

-

Legends series

I don't really ship anything I just think everyone is precious and adorable. I Guess I like the dynamic between Tronn Bonne and Volnuttsack. It's neat. I don't think about it beyond seeing it on the screen though.

-

Exe Series

Uh. Hm.

I just really like Megaman.exe himself. I don't ship anyone consciously...???? I think I just admire them all from afa-

No

I ship Zero.exe with Zero.

I ship it really bad.

[maareyas]

Hey hey hey its been a hot minute, i hope life is treating you well? (It better - if not ill fight life for you in the ring)

I’m giving you the opportunity to info dump about anything. And i mean anything be it something to do with one of your aus (we love lore) or even about any interests you may have (i know you like the fun-guys, whats your favourite shroom👀?)

Sidenote i just thought of this when typing the shroom question, i really thought that during feb that you mightve dabbled with the funguary prompts. Idk i thought you’d really like those. Like pair up a shroom with a character or something and go wham with it. Idk where i was going with this… yeah

I JUST STRAIGHT UP FORGOT to answer this ask hhdhdhdg whoops. I lost whatever idea I had to ramble about so I'm going to use this as an excuse to ramble about my thought process thus far behind the merhog Shadow I'm working on

(I keep forgetting Funguary exists and my database of Fungi Knowledge is unfortunately not specific enough for me to parcipate ahfhjdjsjsj)

Anyways. With merhog designs, I tend to have a "speculative biology" approach to it, i.e the different merhog design elements make some sense in context. I think I mentioned before that designing Creatures and Robots scratch a similar itch in my brain; and this is why. You can tell a bunch about how a Creature moves, eats, and lives just based on their physical traits. Same goes for robots!

Of course, I'm still an artist first and foremost. So when it comes to creature design, I still put aesthetics and Vibes™️ first before realism XD

with that out of the way, here's the rambles about the In-Progress merhog shadow design. No images because I'm lazy ahdhdjs

My first thought with the merhog shadow design was that "I have to throw a little bit of Godzilla inspo in there". I've had Godzilla on the brain since I watched the new movie with Kong a few weeks ago lol. And bc I like bioluminescence way too much, he's gonna be a glowy boiiiii.

I'm thinking he does actually have atomic breath and can subsist off/absorb nuclear energy. In the hypothetical au this design is from, the ARK would be an underwater facility that was destroyed in a nuclear explosion of some sort. Shadow was the only survivor and he "haunts" the spot to this day.

Shadow's concept isn't as clear to me as Silver's was. Vaguely, I want him to be more reptile-adjacent as a callback to the Biolizard and the Black Arms. I feel like going full reptile would make him look too bulky and slow so I'm still working it out.

This is the current iteration of the design so far:

barely anything, but it's what I got XD

I like the idea of merhog Shadow having two huge front flippers that can sort of act like extra hands. the flippers were partially based by a winged Black Arms enemy I forgot the name of + humpback whale fins. the little bumps on the front side of the fins? they're for speed, like with actual humpbacks. The little claw is NOT biologically realistic at all, but it looks cool and im already planning to take inspo from godzilla anyways so. yeah.

In general I think I might just take a more fantastical approach to Shadow? It feels fitting with his canon origins being weird.

For his head, I decided to turn his quills into tentacles, specifically of the Vampire Squid. There are spikes underneath to protect the back of his head from roundhouse kicks (bc he's the only one allowed to do that lmao). I'm thinking he might also have a false eye pattern in the center of the tentacles? A deterrent to potential predators + as a callback to Doom's Eye.

His eye markings get a little change too. They can emit red light, just like Stoplight Loosejaw (yes that's a real fish name) which have organs underneath their eyes that emit red light to hunt prey with. I imagine merhog Shadow would also have its extremely messed up jaw configuration ✨ I don't know how I would draw it though ✨✨✨

As far as solid inspiration goes, that's what I have so far. I'm considering giving Shadow more whale-adjacent features. With how huge his front flippers are, I think it'd make sense that he'd be more of a power swimmer? aka he has a big tail that does most of the work propelling him forward, and the flippers are to reduce the energy cost while also increasing speed and maneuverability. It would be a close enough analog to his skating, maybe????

He doesn't sound very fast but then again, I imagine neither is merhog Silver lol

[nightcall99]

Dreams from 5.9.24

Dream 1: A bunch of eye drops had come back into stock. It's like all of them were out and I was holding a list of the ones that were back now. I was looking through the backlog of orders we have of them, since we owed people some.

Dream 2: I was lying down and SN was on my legs like she was a baby and I was playing the see-saw game. Or like I was using her body weight to do weight training on my legs. I was absorbed in it until she turned into a pair of pants and I realised how funny it was. I told her so. Idk why I was doing this. He was there in the background doing something, I could feel him.

Dream 3: AL, SM and I were in the warehouse of the sister shop. They were working but I had finished up and was ready to go. I had my bag on my shoulder. I was just hanging around while they continued working. I wasn’t even talking to them I just stood there, silent. i wanted to leave but it's like I was waiting for something. Then SM announced that he was going to leave and I chose that exact moment to leave also. Idk why. I didn't want to make it seem like I had been waiting for him but subconsciously I had done exactly that. He took off his uniform top and underneath he had on a white button up shirt. I thought it was a bit unusual for him to be wearing and there was something about it that I couldn't put my finger on. I wondered where he was going. Did he have a job interview now? I awkwardly followed him out. I continued following him toward a car which was picking him up. I knew it wasn't the gf. I caught a glimpse of an older lady in the driver seat, maybe his mother. Why was I walking him to his car? He got in and drove off and we didn't say anything to each other. It was sad. I felt regret. We used to have our hearts opened to each other but not anymore. It felt like I'd lost him forever but I was stopping myself from thinking about it. I didn't want to feel it. I kind of felt like he was moving on, to better opportunities and was leaving me behind.

I was alone in the car park now and had to go find my car. I couldn’t find it. Then I realised I forgot my handbag, which I panicked about before realising it had been on my shoulder the whole time, I'd never taken it off. I walked a little while, trying to find my car but instead of doing the usual can't-find-my-car for ages thing, the car seemed to appear right in front of me. I got in. The car started but the engine was so quiet, as if it was barely even on. The lights wouldn't turn on. It was super dark out now. I knew it wouldn't be a good idea to drive without lights. I restarted the car multiple times but the same thing happened, the lights wouldn't go on and the engine was so soft. I was going to attempt driving it anyway and it's almost like the car moved by itself, like it was reflecting my need to go, my impatience. I was barely controlling it. I only drove around the block before pulling over to the side knowing it was dangerous. It was so dark, not even any street lights.

I sat there, thinking. I had just got my car serviced, why was it doing this? And what an odd way to break down. I know the battery isn't flat. I hadn't been sitting in my car for an inordinate amount of time with just the accessories on. I car kept turning off after awhile, like I would start it and it would turn off again. Each time, I could barely hear the engine and the lights were still off, not to mention now the GPS of the car didn't work. I didn't know how to get home. I didn't know where I was. The GPS would flicker on when I started the car, I would get a glimpse of where I was but then it would disappear when the car turned off again. I know I was only a short while from home, but I couldn't go without the directions. It was so dark, I couldn't see anything. It's like I was blind.

At some point I managed to get the car working like normal. It almost felt like a decision that I had to make and that's it. Like how I found my car in the carpark, I just didn't want to go on an endless search like all the times before. I was driving I guess, following the GPS home when it randomly dropped a pin down with a name, and the car started moving toward there. It was towards him, where he was. It was less about recognising his name, but more the energy that it was him. It happened without me doing anything. I was frustrated, annoyed. Why was it doing that? The car seemed to head in that direction too, involuntarily on my part. I was trying to make it stop. I was trying to flick the pin away, off the screen but I don't think it was working. I wanted to head back home, toward the first pin I had been following, not this second one (the pins were only a short distance from each other). The dream ended with me making a left into a road that was blocked off, too narrow, like it was only a pedestrian walk. I was going about to reverse out of it, with only a tiny space to do so.

Dream 4: I had a ticket to a movie. I was going alone. I went to the ticket lady who said the usual stuff and gave the ticket back to me but on a clipboard. I was confused. Why was she giving me her work stuff? Did she mean to give me a clipboard? I set it down on a table somewhere and walked to the cinema room but I realised that my ticket was on the clipboard and I needed it, since I didn’t know what my seat number was.

Dream 5: There were some pictures of me after an event and I was going through them. I was not happy with with the way I looked at all but I was trying to repress the feeling. Not only the wrinkles and weird face shape and uncanny features, I just didn’t feel like myself.

[hospitalterrorizer]

diary179

3/12-13/2024

tuesday - wednesday

thursday will be the day i get to enjoy my clothes from japan. so exciting.

i also just got a book, agua viva, that will come somewhat soon, i suppose, i am very excited to get back into lispector as the 2 books i've read of hers are some of my favorites ever, i think she's always hit, i've read bits of a few others of hers, also amazing imo but i just could not finish them, because i was reading them in a bookstore, i was trying to absorb as much as i could from her. after agua viva, it's either back to gary indiana's book gone tomorrow again, which i still need to finish, or i buy something from amphetamine sulphate. i think i want to read another thomas moore book, i know he's amazing, but my curiosity is piqued by isabelle nicou, she has a new novel out called stricture, and i can't tell what it's about really, which is good. the excerpts are rather amazing to me, as pieces of writing, look:

In Harry’s suburban house, cluttered with books and stacks of papers, time was bending in an elliptical orb that never failed to constrain me during the few months broken by vacations and interruptions—several, for Harry was often invited abroad—where I went once a week to, as my famous mentor put it, “assist” him.

i love that. i am really itching for fiction right now i think. i really would like to get back to writing my big project, step outside of the little pieces i add, and get to the hard work of assembly and subtraction, but it is hard, i need to just sit down and do that but there's other stuff that feels almost more pressing, the music, right now. so it sits, it can wait a bit. since there are things being added to it, it feels like it's not cold for me, it won't really be i think, it feels too near complete already i guess.

music was good today i think, i hope. i recorded the whole of a song, wrote lyrics for it and stuff to complete it. there's some takes i need to take out, and some stuff i need to punch in i think for timing, but it's basically all there i think. i think i sound better on that song now. plus, i wrote lyrics for like 2 other songs/instrumentals, one of which was one i was like, how am i gonna figure anything out. something hit me and i ran with it, and it works. that's very exciting. i also have a random fragment now, which is kind of a fully formed idea with no song to go with it. that's nice as well, something to use whenever. but i want to do something longform again. a story. i've been too focused on other things, i guess. but i think it'll come to me. whenever i feel lost that always does return. especially if i get burned out on one pursuit.

i came upon an interesting thought, i will enter it into the story, i think.

i have done that. i think today is good, i am not hating my bangs so much too, even. stuff like that. i talked to my gf for a while today, we talked about dumb things like some new video game where the main character has a giant ass, which is strange to see. that game looks pretty bad and it's kind of frustrating they're obv trying to crib stuff shinkawa would do in metal gear, especially like, the beauty and the beast women in mgs4. who, regardless of how like, uncomfortable that might be, have incredible designs imo. i've heard in the past the game was going to almost be more of a horror game, with some of the designs he was trying, which i wish was what happened. i hope at some point he can do more horror oriented designs.

soon, as well, i need to finish maldoror. i can be too precious about books with really incredible prose, trying to drink it all as deeply as possible so as to absorb/learn better what they do and how to use it for my own ends, or to even sense if my ends are compatible with their ends, stuff like that. maybe it's not too precious, maybe i just need to be better.

so with songs that need lyrics entirely, i think there's only like, one? idk. and then there's like, 3-4 that need some additional parts written.

i'm thinking, probably, some of these songs are gonna need more boosting in the bass, which should go over decently i think. like, a pretty flat/even +2-4 db? i'd guess at least.

new vox from today need to be lowered by a few db as well. like, 2, i think. maybe too saturated too, or too much high end? strange. but i do rlly like the takes i have for this.

i was listening to the songs thru the blue yeti mic, it's so fucked up how much high end it adds. i was thinking like, what the hell is wrong with all these mixes. now i know why i thought i needed so much added bass. listening thru system audio it still feels like some of these songs could do w/ the high end boosts i'm doing, even more extreme like, idk, even +5? we'll see. but it could be a key to making things sound better.

i'm liking how this is all coming together though. i'm glad my faith in myself is returning i guess, or that's kinda just how this feels. maybe it's delusional. but we'll see, based on reception, although i think basically nobody is gonna receive this.

here's some fashion mag photos/scans i found today, also:

madame figaro japan:

i don't know if it's the scan or what but the blurring on this in the dark space is so uncanny to me, she has the feeling of a sea creature emerging from the depths, she is occupying non-space in a strange way, which makes this photograph really interesting, beyond its role as advertising, it's either been given something wrong by a bad transfer/scan, or it's produced that way. either way, it is against itself in a good way, instead of making one want something solid, it pushes one towards the insolid. which is interesting, as luxury items are always supposing to sell that, so perhaps it's not against advertising wholly, but one could contend that perhaps it is, or it points in some direction where by being handled poorly something can be taken from the image, i guess its negative is produced here, or something, i guess even with the external interference of the watermark, it begins suggesting other things, a mire/swam of desirability, beauty but totally frayed, it's not working in the typical way say fashion photography of deconstructed/avant garde stuff works, as much as i truly love that stuff it is still trying to further its own existence by suggesting to an audience it is a luxury good, instead of a com/pulsion. it is not presenting an object's aura, this is someone being swallowed by something else, subsumed into a broad instantiation of not. or it's at least the feeling it gives. either failure or an odd affect of the photographer, produces something that feels outside of typical valuation in fashion. the image as it is, draws attention to the point of where it loses interest, the fading of definition, or maybe a point of emergence. it is pointing constantly at a fissure.

l'officiel china:

this one is similar to the above, although i suppose more typical and more evidently intentional. i am very struck by the figures of men behind her, i do quite like how at a certain level, the clothes cease to matter and high fashion photography kind of enables a lot of photographers to simply not engage typically. what is preserved here is maybe more a sense of aura of the clothing, although it is oddly agnostic to the garments, it is not shot like a flower, as some might try, it is held at pretty great distance and shares space with the totally surreal men who seem to leer or be heading someplace. they evoke futurist forms, even, which is odd. this, rather than being about nothing, reminds one of passing someone striking in a car, something like that. in contrast to the last it is certainly not able to point at anything single, it's very busy, the pollution gives it another kind of weight.

elle girl korea:

this one is by many measures less odd than the prior two, however i quite like her socks and would like some like that myself, a nice and piercing green. i find myself more and more wanting to wear green, but i have nothing to wear it with. sad. i'll have to find things. i do quite like, overall, the aggressive gaudiness on display, the white background foregrounds it, the rusted looking base of the tv, it being evidently old. the loudness of the outfit, her pose being so like, it's such a pose, she is holding her hands funny, she is pushing her elbows out. it is pointed at you, or maybe through the viewer. it's almost an image begging to be lost in the pages of a magazine. that's not to say it's bad or something, i like the photography here a lot, i guess it's kind of hitting at an early peak of normcore in 08, sorta.

anyway, i need to sleep soon so i can record some more tomorrow. and then i'll be closer, inching closer and closer, and closer, and then soon it'll be time to really get down on the cover art, which will be fun i think, and a headache, but hopefully a good one.

so,

byebye!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[acethatlovesdinos]

Tw: vent, female body dysmorphia? (Idk I don't have an official diagnosis). description of feminine anatomy (boobs). I'm not asking for pity, I'm just spitting words out because I feel the need to make them known. A confession, of sorts. And maybe it'll help some of you feel less alone in your own journey.

~~~~~~

I'm not pretty.

I'm aware of the fact. Never really have been. Not exactly the textbook definition of "attractive" when I look in the mirror.

I dont feel unloved, I think that's a different thing. I know i have caring friends and family who have my back, but it's still not quite what Im getting at.

I hate mirrors. Specifically the big ones in the bathroom before I shower. I look at myself, my eyes taking in every flaw.

I used to be bigger, you see, and I do feel much better having lost a significant amount of weight but that in itself brought upon an entirely new type of insecurity.

At least when I was a larger size my shape was "normal," per se, in that i expected and understood that physique well.

I had gotten a gastric sleeve surgery (make stomach smaller so you can absorb less food, thus losing weight in a more "natural" manner). Considering my morbidly obese state at the time, it was a necessary adjustment for the sake of my own health.

Dont get me wrong, I'm happy with what I've done. It's been a massive change and I feel so much better from both a physical and mental perspective.

but oh boy, I never could have expected the kind of insecurity that accompanied rapid weightloss.

it was incredible for a while, watching my clothes fit looser and feeling like I had more energy. my mental health improved drastically. truly, this was one of the best decisions I ever made, and I dont think Id change it if given the chance. I do want to make that clear, my current feelings are just a bit of a side effect.

quickly shedding pounds means that your body doesnt really get a chance to re-absorb that loose skin. what once was round, fatty pudge has now become loose, dangling flab. it hangs over my waist, accentuating my gut and making it still look larger than it is. Unfortunately, the weight I've lost isnt enough to properly constitute those surgeries to remove the loose skin that exists, so I'm sort of just...stuck with it. Im still certainly not skinny by any means, but I feel as though I'd be a size or two smaller if that extra flab wasn't there.

My hips and thighs didnt change a whole lot, so I remain with a bottom-heavy, pear shaped form with a waist several inches behind my hips. pants are a struggle to find a comfortable fit as a result.

It doesnt really strike much thought at first, but I was pretty quick to remember that breasts are composed mostly of fat and soft tissue. One of the first places to start showing a decrease in size? yeah. My chest wasn't particularly huge in proportion to my body anyway, and they only got smaller. that's a blow to the self-esteem if ive ever seen one. ever try shopping for a 40A bra? they aren't very common.

Oh, and what I said before about loose skin? that applies there too. there's no shape, it just sort of...sags pathetically. it could almost be compared to the "boobs" of an obese man with the way they sit, and the thought disgusts me.

all in all im sagging, loose, and not what someone would call a pretty sight...ever. It makes me fear the longevity and even possibility of future relationships, because who would want something like this?

my only saving grace is when I take a closer look at myself. Look closer in the mirror, look at my face. that seems to be the only part of myself im mostly okay with.

I've got a soft, round face, dusted with a natural blush and a gentle chin. my ears arent too big, and ive got a little dimple when my mouth moves the right way.

pale blue eyes provide the only pop of color on my otherwise pale, boring body, a cloudy shade of slate with a ring of green around the pupil. I dont want to sound basic, bit they really do seem to change under the sun. hooded eyelids occasionally cause makeup to be frustrating, but i only wear the stuff on special occasions anyway so it's not exactly a huge deal for me.

My glasses help to frame my face, a cute but necessary prop(bc i am blind lol), with the added bonus of helping to hide the tired circles under my eyes.

A lot of people seem insecure about their noses, but mine has been mostly unproblematic throughout my experience with it.

I've had a surprising number of people comment on my "perfect lips" (a few ladies who helped me with makeup), bringing up the defined Cupid's Bow and naturally plump shape, a soft pink hue that exists all on its own. I never really thought much of it until someone told me.

My hair has always been a fickle thing, and I've had a bit if a love-hate relationship with it until fairly recently. I've found that I like it bobbed at my chin, where its light enough that the natural curls can have a strong effect. the most product I tend to use is this nice-smelling leave-in conditioner, which just helps to tone down the frizziness. I love the way the curls frame my chin and jawline, and it coils into these thick, beautiful springs after it dries from a shower. it's so soft and I love to run my fingers through it when it's been freshly cleaned. The current color is a dark purple, that looks almost black indoors, but it nearly lights up when the sun hits it. its natural color is a deep brown, and i still do like it, I just thought a bit of color would be nice for once.

Ive got moles and marks everywhere, but that's never bothered me. the little brown spots are fun, and a few of them on my arm can even be traced into a perfect arch.

the most unique aspect of my appearance is this...little patch of tiny moles in the center of my throat. The patch is only about a centimeter in full area, and it's covered in little raised brown bumps. Oddly enough, this part of my body has never been something I felt ashamed of, as the little patch of marks were one of the many things that made me, me.

So maybe my body isnt perfect. it's not the ideal shape, nor size, nor whatever else, but I guess there's some things about it that I dont mind so much.

[the-missann]

Oh, here we are again 👋

Honestly my entire life is absorbed by my stories and I give myself headaches from thinking about them. If you're like me, maybe we would get along, idk.

Anyways, this time my world building is more about the environment.

All The Screams is a story I wrote in highschool to display my feelings of what I deemed was a "curse" that bad things always seemed to happen to me. I don't mean like I lost my pencils, I mean I would sometimes have to redo entire assignments thanks to my teacher losing my work 🤦

That stuff bothered me as a kid so instead of rebelling, I became a nerd and made this story.

Little Miss Ann was so invested in this story she even drew stuff for it.

Prepare for amateur art from a highschooler though I pretty much didn't get any better than this

(as usual) Cassie

Kyo (I never finished him 😔)

Curil (who's the most badass one)

Quana in her two different forms

During the course of the story, these guys meet up in a variety of ways, most uniquely is Quana who is a fairy spirit who acts as a parasite.

Then I made monsters

That last one is the main antag, and in order to not spoil anything (in case anyone wants to ever read this), it's meant to be a creature that has no form, it changes from time to time, but when I got my 1st phone, this is the very first thing I did with a drawing app 🤓

These monsters are very important to the story. They frequently become obstacles for the crew and sometimes they need to find something in order to progress.

So, I clearly need more monsters and plethora more of fauna and flora, but while this story digs its grave in my mind, this is all I can do.

< Kingdom of Bumalia

The Demonic Repentance >

[lets-talk-spirituality]

Hi love, I hope you are having a beautiful day. I was hoping if I could get some guidance from you please, regarding if I have a soulmate?

I have been seeing 111 amongst several other numbers but this specific set of numbers felt called to me. I feel there is change coming, something shifting - but I'm not sure if this is an encounter I will have soon. Idk how to best explain it, but I feel energy shifting in my environment, I'm just not sure if I'm getting the messages correctly. I'd really appreciate your insight.

Happy Holidays ❤️

Hi! I am! I’ve been chilling at the beach and I brought my cards to hopefully get some of these done while I absorb some energy.

Let’s see what comes up!

Green valleys, I’m seeing somewhere that seems like spring, so maybe this shift is happening before then or during spring, I get a nice breeze like laundry in the wind, maybe something around making your life easier or more simple, less stressful, I’m seeing a field of white flowers and spinning so I think that indicates joy and carefree, something in your life is about to lighten up, sunshine on your life and in your heart,

Soulmate?

Embrace this time! Be excited. The seeds you planted are coming to harvest and you either get amazing fruits or you learn how to better plant next time. That’s how you should look at life. Not having fruit doesn’t mean you don’t know how to garden! It can be other factors but regardless we can always learn, I��m learning a lot (I’m getting school vibes, something challenging and new for them, maybe something tech based) and I’m trying to approach it these days as something fun, something exciting, no matter the outcome. Detach from outcome because expectations are the root of all disappointments.

Starseed Oracle

Star ancestors— hidden secrets, lost wisdom, look a little deeper

Pages 102/103– 3/4— three is tied to creativity in numerology so I think they are suggesting you to take a creative approach with this introspection. 4 has to do with discipline and responsibility so be creative but steadfast in your approach.

“You’re being called to think and listen with your ancient heart and soul. All potent power pumps through your veins, if you’re feeling stuck, do something different, creativity happens when we put two things together that don’t belong, when we do the unexpected”

Okay. That makes sense. I felt like a lot wasn’t coming up and the cards were a little sticky. I think it’s because you’re in a time or about to enter a time of hermit energy to self reflect. Whatever you are uncovering is gonna lead to the easing of stress and harshness in your life. The universe is asking you to jump timelines and to shift into a new version of you, this happy carefree one, by changing up your routine and how you do things, how you look at things. To be creative and to unstick yourself.

Hope this resonates and helps!

[sassypotatoe1]

Update motherfuckers because people don't think critically about what they put in their bodies and my brother has decided to stop drinking coffee because he learned that caffeine is psychoactive and thought no further about it, but still drinks anxiety medication, alcohol and SNRIs and sees no problem with this reasoning.

If you cut something out of your regular diet or consumption because you saw a scary tiktok from a personal trainer with no credentials using big words that sound bad, you best be prepared to do the research, read the medical journals, and cut out all foods and substances that do that thing, and if you feel like shit because you cut something out that does not mean it's working or you're "detoxing" from it, it just means you no longer consume that thing and now you feel like shit.

All foods and substances can have negative effects on your health and mental well-being, if you consume too much or too little of it. If a food or substance genuinely makes you personally feel bad, and you feel heaps better when you cut it out, then by all means do that, but if you're cutting out coffee because you saw in a tiktok that caffeine is psychoactive but you don't cut out other psychoactive foods and substances you're fooling yourself. It's like eating an extra thick 3 cheese fatty bacon and garlic olive oil pizza and then drinking a diet soda. It does not work like that.

If you, personally, experience a psychoactive effect, which is a mind altering effect like drinking coffee making you more hyperactive, impulsive and reckless, congrats you experience a psychoactive effect and might benefit from reducing or eliminating your caffeine consumption. That includes chocolate and goji berries? Idk the red berries that are super high in caffeine. You will also benefit from observing which other substances and foods cause a psychoactive change, and eliminating those. Simply taking a dehydrated roided up white boy on tiktok's word for it and not evaluating the effect something has on you and your body is irresponsible.

I'll tell you why it's irresponsible. Caffeine is a pretty chill example, you either experience the laxative effect or you don't, you either experience the VERY MILD psychoactive effect or you don't, cutting it out of your diet will have short term withdrawals but otherwise won't negatively impact the functioning of your body.

Let's say, however, that that tiktok white boy told you that the best way to get shredded and lose fat at the same time is to eat nothing but proteins and fiber. No sugar, no carbs (sugars), no fats, no potatoes no carrots no tomatoes only greens, beans and meat. He does not have a nutrition PhD, he had just been working out every day for 12 years and thought he could make money off this thing that he's made his entire personality. What do you think would happen if you followed that advice?

Depending on your own physical needs, how your body absorbs and uses nutrients, your genetics, your health and hormone levels in your brain and body, literally anything could happen. In high school two of my friends decided to follow a no carb no fat no sugar diet together. One of them, who was insulin resistant at the time, saw some major benefits. She gained energy, lost weight and felt healthier overall. The other, who has an underactive thyroid, ended up in the ER from malnutrition. I'm no doctor so I can't explain the mechanics of why it happened like that to you, but I know both of them ate the exact same things, prepared the same way, had the same level of activity and started out with similar body mass indexes.

The doctor told the second friend to eat a burger. His literal words to her were "you should really eat a burger". She had an extreme carb deficit which was wrecking her body's energy stores and her organs were taking strain, especially her heart which was beating way too slow, which is what caused her to faint and end up in the hospital.

She had to see a nutritionist every week for 3 months, and it might have been a scare tactic on the doctor's part to stop her from developing an eating disorder but he basically told her that if she'd followed that diet plan for another month or two she would have caused permanent damage to her heart.

This situation, and two of my other friends also having eating disorders, had me furiously researching nutrition. I read the medical journals, I read the textbook excerpts I could find online, I followed actual doctors and certified dieticians who do nutrition education on social media and I learned. The only people who should tell you what you should and shouldn't put in your body are allergists, dieticians and nutritionists.

I know big words like "psychoactive", "diuretic" and "laxative" can be scary, you hear caffeine has a mind altering effect and you think shit it makes me dumb or reckless permanently it's causing irreparable brain damage, but you have to understand that there is a scale to these things, and where a food or substance falls on that scale actually depends on how your body responds to it, but generally in terms of psychoactive effects you get caffeine on the low end for most people, and then going up the scale you have weed, alcohol, opioids, harder drugs like meth or cocaine or acid. Sometimes, if your brain chemistry and physiology is just right, opioids and harder drugs can have permanent effects on your brain functioning. Alcohol more rarely, weed, shrooms or other "milder" drugs even more rarely. If caffeine has a permanent mind altering effect it's probably a 0.000000000001% chance.

And the same goes for any food. Bananas can cause constipation or diarrhea if you eat too many, but one or two has far far more benefits than side effects for your health. The bad stuff gets filtered out by your body. You have kidneys, you have a liver, you have a lymphatic system. Too much vitamin c causes migraines, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, fatigue, but you need that shit for your body to produce white blood cells to protect you from disease.

Too much of basically any metal can poison you as it builds up in your body, but in the right amounts they're responsible for producing blood cells, your bones, rebuilding your skin and muscles. If you don't get enough your bones disintegrate, you produce less hemoglobin and that affects how oxygen is carried around your body and a bunch of other shit.

If you take too much b12 it filters out through your kidneys and sweat like no one's business, but if you get too little your body loses the ability to convert elemental iron into hemoglobin (red blood cells) and causes anemia.

Everything you consume, are exposed to or handle will have an effect on your body. How much of it determines whether that effect is positive or negative, and what it is determines if that effect is permanent. So if you don't like that the word psychoactive is attached to caffeine, maybe instead of panicking about what that means go read a medical paper on the psychoactive effects of caffeine, what that does to your health and behavior, and what the symptoms are to look out for, then evaluate critically if you fall within a high risk group, and before cutting something out of your diet or consumption entirely do an evidence based cost-benefit analysis.

I know we all recently learned that coffee is a laxative and oil is also a laxative and the new Starbucks drink is an ultra laxative that made people shit their pants but I need people to know a few more things.

Decaf coffee is still a laxative, because it's not the caffeine that has a laxative effect but some other compound.

Chicory coffee is a stronger laxative than regular coffee and will make you take a shit within minutes of drinking it if you experience the laxative effect. If you don't want your coffee to make you shit as much check that it doesn't have chicory as a filler in. It also tastes worse with chicory.

Not everyone experiences the laxative effect and you can drink coffee and be completely fine.

Coffee is also a diuretic (makes you pee) and if you have vulnerable kidneys coffee is kinda bad, actually, and if you drink it you should accompany every cup of coffee with two cups of water.

Coffee will have a different effect on you if you take stimulant type adhd medication than it does off the medication.

Coffee is also an appetite suppressant, and I'm not sure if it's the caffeine or some other compound like the laxative effect, but it does make you feel satiated.

Coffee, specifically caffeine, dehydrates you. Decaf won't have the same effect in this case, but it has been found that consuming caffeinated coffee will make period cramps worse because it dehydrates you.

Coffee doesn't cause heart palpitations for everyone, unless it's very strong, but if you're drinking a single espresso shot latte and you get strong palpitations or even painful palpitations, something is wrong with your heart and you need to get that checked out.

Coffee is an actual drug that can be addictive, and withdrawal includes migraines, nausea, loss of appetite, cramps and extreme fatigue. Coffee is not a particularly dangerous drug so weaning yourself of it is safe and probably better for your health than going cold turkey.

Decaf won't make withdrawal symptoms go away because it's the caffeine specifically that you're withdrawing from.

Consume coffee safely and pay attention to the effects it has on you. Most of the above mentioned effects should occur within the first half hour of consuming the coffee. If it occurs after an hour it's probably something else or you have a ridiculously slow metabolism.

Consume your beverages safely my loves.

[tired-teacher-blog]

⚠️ // mentions of self-harm, suicide etc

I know this is a little weird maybe but it’s been an awful week, can you do a bnha boys + reacting and consoling their girlfriend who just relapse into self-harm (it can be in any form you feel most comfortable to) some of them could already know about her tendencies but others just found out idk, you can also do it only for one of them that’s fine for me. If you don’t feel like it please ignore this I know it’s a sensitive topic and I don’t wanna upset you never!! I love you my baby - 🏹

My sweet Bow Anon, I hope you're feeling better honey. Please come and talk to me whenever you feel the need to. I'm always here for you. In the meantime have this small gift. I love you so much.

This is a sensitive topic but I had fun working on it, it was strangely soothing so thank you for requesting it.

Title : The abyss

Characters : Shouto/ Shinsou/ Bakugo/ Taishiro/ fem reader

Genre : Angst/ fluff/ hurt and comfort

Trigger warning : Self harm!!!!

Please do not read if you're a minor

I cannot stress this enough but this is not for the faint of heart!! Please consider this before reading

Masterlist

Shouto :

It hurt, of course it did it always had, but that was the point right? Why else would you heat up the knife and press it to that annoying little unmarked spot in your inner thigh?

Your tears rolled down your cheeks as you sat down on the kitchen floor, but you were still not done yet. You didn't want it to fade quickly this time, you didn't deserve that luxury.

You looked up to the ceiling, biting the inside of your cheek so you wouldn't scream, when suddenly the burning stopped and an annoyingly soothing coolness replaced it.

You looked down to find your boyfriend kneeling in front of you, knife in one hand while gently placing the other over your burnt skin and carefully activating his quirk.

The look on his face said it all. His usual calm and relaxed expressions were taken over by a pained one.

You've been doing good for a while, that's what he thought, but in reality you had been stifling your pain and urges deep within yourself until you finally burst that evening.

When did he get home anyway? Apparently you had been absorbed into your "task" that you hadn't noticed anything else around you.

He threw the knife away and cupped your cheek, eyes searching yours for an answer.

But what answer was he expecting? What were you supposed to say?

You felt horrible, and that's the only thing you were certain of.

The look he had on his face tortured you. He was hurt, worried, scared even, and it's all because of you..

The look he had on his face reminded you of the first time he saw your self inflicted burn marks.

The look he had on his face brought back the memory of the promise you once made, the promise to never hurt yourself again, but at the time, you only gave him your word because you hated the look he had on his face. It's a full circle, and now you're back exactly where you didn't want to be.

_ "Shouto.."

_ "Are you okay? Let's take you to the hospital first, we'll talk later." He could finally find his words.

_ "No need, I'm fine." You didn't even deserve to be treated, that's what you kept thinking.

_ "Don't argue with me, we're going." It might've sounded like he was mad at you but truth be told, he was just worried. "Sweetheart, it'll be fine trust me." He knew he had to reassure you and pull you back to him because at that point you were lost..

Your tears suddenly stopped, and a gleam of hope appeared in your eyes instead.

You hugged him tightly and allowed him to carry you outside. This time you will take his hand and never let go again.

_ "I love you y/n, and we'll get through this together."

Shinsou :

You were doing it again. You knew it was bad, and you knew you could die but at that moment none of it mattered, not even him.

All you wanted was a minute of peace, a good night sleep, accomplishing a task without spiraling out of control.

You winced as the needle finally pricked your skin for the first time in months, and you regretted it as soon as it did.

_ "What am I doing?" Your trembling voice spoke to no one in particular before your tears followed suit.

Fortunately, not a drop of that intoxicating liquid left the syringe as you immediately pulled it out of you and threw it away.

You dropped to your knees sobbing and whimpering and calling his name, but he wasn't home yet, he didn't know what was happening.

You reached out a shaky hand and grabbed your phone dialing your boyfriend's number.

_ "Hi babe, I'm on my way home I'll be there in a couple of minutes." But you didn't answer, and all he could hear was sniffling and more whimpering.

_ "Stay with me y/n don't hang up the phone, I'm almost there." His tone changed as he knew instantly what was happening, he feared the worst since you almost lost your life last time.

You did as asked and held the phone to your ear, but still said nothing. Your tears kept flowing and you could tell he was rushing to get to you by the heavy breathing from his side.

It couldn't have taken him more than a few minutes before he burst through the door and straight to your side.

_ "Babe look at me! Do you recognize me? Show me your arm! Fuck I need to call an ambulance first!" He was panicking and the idea of possibly losing you fogged up his brain.

_ "No, I didn't do it.. I almost did.. but I stopped last second.. I'm sorry, I'm always causing trouble." You struggled to speak between your sobs but you're grateful you did, as your words cooled him down a little.

He turned around to where you had tossed the syringe earlier and sure enough, it was unused.

_ "Hey look at me love." He gently lifted your head up and kissed your cheek, "You're strong, you're amazing I mean look at you! You could've easily done it but you didn't, I'm proud of you so thank you for stopping."

You couldn't believe your ears, he wasn't mad or disappointed, he was actually pleased with you.

_ "But Hitoshi how can you say that? Look what I've almost done!"

_ "Almost, but you didn't and you want to know why? It's because deep down you don't want to go back to that road. That's why I'm proud of you, and that's why I'll walk hand in hand with you until you're completely over it."

You couldn't stop your tears after that, but it was fine, you were finally happy to know that you're on the right way.. and with the right person.

Bakugo :

_ "What's that?" He asked as he noticed the new bandaid on your wrist.

_ "Oh nothing! I just broke a glass yesterday and injured myself while cleaning the mess." You nervously responded and instinctively hid your hand behind your back.

But he wasn't stupid, he knew what it was, he'd seen it before.

Only.. he thought it was over already, he thought you were finally doing better.

He gently took your hand in his and traced the covered area before speaking:

_ "Tell me the truth, you promised you'd always tell me the truth."

You flinched realizing that lying would get you nowhere. He didn't deserve that from you, he was the one who pulled you out of the abyss the first time and you promised you'd always go back to him.

But there you were, relapsing and lying about it.

_ "It's useless.. I really tried but I'm too weak." Shame and regret washed over you and again, you felt worthless.

You braced yourself expecting him to get up and leave, or even get mad and start yelling at you. But what he did next left you wide eyed and speechless.

He lifted your wrist and gently kissed your covered wound, his lips lingered there for a minute and it looked like he was struggling to find the right words.

Tears started forming in your eyes and you blinked them away.

_ "Katsuki.." That was all you could utter without sobbing, and it was as if hearing his own name snapped him back to reality and he could finally speak again.

_ "Y/n, it's alright I'm not mad." He knew exactly what you were thinking. "Listen to me, you're stronger than you believe, it's fine to lose track sometimes, it happens to the best of us, but don't keep it in." His fingers caressed your cheeks as he gently wiped your tears away. "Trust me, talk to me I'll always listen. I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear but you're not just hurting yourself, you're hurting me too, you're killing me." His words came out strangled as if he was trying to keep his own tears at bay. And he was right, those were the last words you wanted to hear but he had to say them and you needed to know what your actions were causing you both. You clung to him desperately and apologized repeatedly.

_ "Forgive me Katsuki I'm begging you, I'll do better and I'll never keep anything from you anymore.. please believe me." His words were a wake up call, and you wanted him to realize that you will never give up easily, that you'll try your best.

_ "I believe you honey, and I'll be right by your side the whole way." He pulled you impossibly close to himself and you were grateful to finally hear him sigh in relief.

It will be hard, that much is true, but you're not alone anymore.

Fatgum :

It's itchy, no matter how hard you try to ignore it, the itchiness never goes away.

You stood in front of your bathroom mirror watching your scarred arms and tracing them with your fingertips.

You tried to stop, truly, and for a little while you managed to control yourself, but it was hard to carry on. The itchiness is the worst, and all you wanted to do was make it go away.

You picked up the knife again and ran the cold metal along your arms, it felt good -horrible as that might sound- the anticipation of what was coming sent shivers down your spine. For a moment, just a single moment you get to feel better, to breathe freely before going back to hating yourself and regretting the whole thing. But you needed that moment, you craved it.

_ "Y/n baby is everything okay? You've been there for long." The all too familiar voice of your worried boyfriend came from the other side of the door.

He knows you, knows your struggles, your pain, and everything you do to chase them away. And that's why he keeps an eye on you at all times.

_ "I'm fine, I'll be out in a minute." You tried to sound cheerful as you pushed the blade within your skin.

_ "Please open the door for me, I'm begging you." His voice was calm, but he was desperate.

You never responded after that, you smiled watching the red liquid running down your arm and into the sink.

All of a sudden, the door flew open as your boyfriend easily broke in, snatching the knife from your trembling hand and throwing it away.

And before you could turn around to face him, he picked you up in his arms and ran out straight to your bedroom where he placed you gently on the bed and proceeded to treat your injury while murmuring reassuring words. Thankfully he got to you in time as it was just a shallow cut.

_ "It's gonna be okay, I got you." He was frightened, you could tell, and as much as he tried to hide it, he simply couldn't.

He never blamed you for any of it, never left your side or even thought to do it.

_ "I'm sorry Taishiro.. I tried to stop but.." you were cut off by your own strangled sobs.

_ "It's okay, you'll be okay I promise."

He finished treating you quickly and pulled you on his lap, allowing you to cry to your heart's content. He traced your back and kissed the top of your head repeatedly as he hoped you would feel safer.

_ "I love you, and I will never leave your side so please let me in, talk to me whenever you feel the urge to cut yourself. Don't be afraid, there is nothing we can't overcome together." He whispered against your temple and you nodded.

You will try your hardest, if not for yourself than at least for him. He deserves that much.

_ "I promise I will."