#so i think for now ill lie to myself. say it wont be that bad. say we'll get through it alright

[random-knowone]

i think my only options are to either live in denial or become bitter and hardened and whats the point in living if you cant be kind and you cant be happy

[recklessblueie]

he waits about 3 hours before he opes the window

he opes the window and wispers "im sorry hinata"

he is sorry

hes sorry for everything.

he steps out as quietly as possible and closes it as quietly as possible. he wont notice right?

this is for his own good, for everyones own good. they will understand

"its only a little lie. ill be back soon"

"after all im only going for a walk.. i dont want to go for good.. i cant hurt them like that"

fuck.. should he turn back? no. too late now.

he creeps out of sight of the house, down the road,

about 30 minutes later xirs in gotham. sure the crime rates are higher than ever here, but he knows this place.

its.. supprisingly peaceful. no rouges in sight luckily aswell..

"one day when i get better, i want to be a vigilante and help protect this place" he says to xirself

xir stops for a moment to think in peace,

"why did hinata feel so real? surley hes not.. why do i keep telling myself that? if my goal is to fix msyelf even if that means convincing myself they are.. though they arent.. to feel loved. why do i keep telling myself otherwise then?"

he puts his scarred face into his scarred hands and sighs.

"fuck.. blue! think! why are you like this?" he shreiks

that was clearly a bad idea because now xirs aware of soemone approaching from behind..

@vamp-wing

[nebbydotexe]

okok im going to yap about my nicktoons unite au idea in the hopes that ill get some ideas to continue it because my brain is entirely stuck rn. feel free to suggest some stuff for it too if you want!

timmy is 19 and still kinda childish to an extent, so he still likes to goof off instead of do important stuff. he puts on a cool guy act to cope probably. aaand hes gay for jimmy but is kinda too awkward to say anything bc he doesnt want to ruin what they already have. he views danny as an older brother figure and they definitely talk about crash nebula with each other. he does get to keep his fairies past 18 because i couldnt bring myself to tear the happy family apart... (not that i wont end up dabbling with the memory loss stuff at some point, just not this au) idk if poof is there, who knows.

jimmy is 20 and the "leader" of the group. (he bosses everyone around but danny is the one holding things together most of the time) he tries to keep a front of seriousness but if timmy does something stupid he snaps instantly. has a hard time connecting with people sometimes due to his smarts. hes also gay for timmy but he doesnt even know it yet... i feel like he ignores it bc theres "more important things to focus on right now" or something like that and is kinda just oblivious to it all. he yaps about space sciency stuff with danny ofc

danny is 23 and is kind of just the "normal" guy of the group usually. he still likes to make his little quips n stuff. he still wishes he could be an astronaut but sadly accepts his fate. i havent fully figured danny out bc im not gonna lie i just watched danny phantom this month because the nicktoons unite grabbed hold of me LMAO he is ofc buddies w spongebob because although their duo seems a bit out of left field i love it sm. he always is the one breaking up jimmy and timmys little arguments too

spongebob is spongebob years old (please i dont want to think about how old he really is..) and hes ofc the cheerful one of the group. hes always looking for the light of the situation and keeping spirits high. this is set before the movie so hes not the manager of the krusty krab 2 yet and is still a fry cook. he probably cooks for the group with varying success depending on what food it is. either its amazing or its really really bad i think LMAO

so the premise i had was danny hadnt contacted the group in a few years now probably (this was my way of writing out danny phantom bc i hadnt finished watching it before thinking this up LMAO) and its started to really affect timmy. things have gotten slow and they dont really get to go on grand adventures as much anymore because of other things being in the way like spongebobs job at the krusty krab and jimmy always having a new invention to work on. timmy eventually gets frustrated at the constant excuses and impulsively sets the upm to send him to an entirely random universe so that he could at least go on an adventure alone. jimmy and goddard set out to find timmy while spongebob goes to find danny in the hopes that he could talk some sense into timmy and bring him back. i have no idea what danny is up to but i feel like hes definitely gotten in trouble and i have no idea what would be in the place that timmy went to so im kinda stuck here for now. any/all suggestions are welcome and even encouraged bc i have no idea where to go from here LMAO

wow this was a lot longer than i meant it to be... oh well!

ALSO one thing ill note is not all the things i draw are related to this au, this is actually a very rough idea and ive been mostly drawing from the idea that everyone stuck together n stuff

[teddykaczynski]

i really dont know what to do about a situation............ i cant figure out if ive lost interest in someone or the actual answer is that im mentally ill. or a third thing. but basically, more than a week ago im pretty sure i split on boysweetie. which is also the first time i can recall splitting on an irl romantic entanglement. other times i have, it was an online relationship. and its now become really hard for me to spend time around him. not all the time, there are times when i feel warm and fine and im enjoying myself but im much grumpier, irritable, impatient, just hard to be around and unpleasant. and i dont like how my behavior impacts him and i also dont like how it impacts myself, i hate knowing im acting this way it makes me feel so terrible that im so avoidant of that feeling that its enough for me to want to end it. but the split wasnt that long ago, so its possible ill feel less critical and harsh and more open and accepting soon. in which case it would suck to end things prematurely. but also, my grumpiness may not be bpd. every time its been really Bad it could also be blamed on being hangry or nicotine withdrawal. but but also, i do feel like the relationship wont... last.

reasons being: 1. personal differences, the fire and earth stuff. 2. i should find it and watch the interview but there was a john waters post i saw recently where he was saying in a relationship you never want to be the one that likes/loves the other person more since its the more vulnerable position and he said some other things too but thats stuck with me and i feel like ive often been the one who cared more. but im pretty sure he cares more. so on one hand thats flattering and a little exhilarating but it also makes me feel gulity and uncomfortable. uncomfortable because im like textbook anxious attachment and a whole part of my process is like... idk basically convincing the other person to love me. when theyre open and interested right away im like. well you know nothing about me so how do you know you like me. 3. he has bad breath. and i told him i think this. oops. its not a hygiene thing he brushes often but ive noticed it. and my mistake was telling him this right after i said i was thinking of canceling our sleepover and going back home. once we both calmed down he brushed his teeth again and asked if the smell was gone and it wasnt but what was i supposed to say? the truth? like. perhaps it was cowardly and wrong of me to lie but i had already really hurt his feelings. and as i was beginning to write this post in my head way before i got to this part it made me think of a seinfeld bit of like. george asking jerry whats the social etiquette for how many dates you need to go on with a woman before ending it after you insulted her appearance in a vulnerable moment. 4. hes in recovery for his weed addiction and im addicted to weed 5. i dont like being at his house because of his tim roommate 6. he straight up told me he would lose attraction to me if i began dressing feminine. so......

[wishful-seeker]

I will soon be the only person in my close family to not finish college because illness forced me to leave, and thats a strange feeling. Im not sure how i feel about it.

I feel a little alienated because of it, but even though i LOVE learning and i enjoyed college classes, i didn't enjoy college itself.

Even in high school i was the "sick kid" and missed a year there, so feeling like i don't belong isn't new.

But i really thought I'd meet people like me in college, but all i found was snobby rich kids that ignored my existence. I genuinely tried making friends but college students are not my type of people.

I don't know if this is because i wore braces on my knees, or because they could tell i was poor, not sure but college kids always gave me bad vibes.

Im sad that the things im truly passionate about isn't taught in college, and i miss the classes i did have, but i don't think a fancy college was ever my scene. Maybe i would've fit better at a community college. But im probably too disabled to ever find out.

Idk i guess it feels strange because i was heavily encouraged to go to college, and now i can't even if i wanted to. Its weird that i could probably guess the view outsiders have of my life, how they'd feel bad for me, or laugh at what I've become.

And i think of that a lot: how outsiders may view my life. "Oh so sad, look how far she's fallen." Ya know

But im happy

I LIKE my life, sure i got all As and Bs in college, sure i won a writing contest in my class, and yes i also completed a triathlon before all this. So many medals saying "look how hard i worked, look what i accomplished" but when i was accomplishing those trival things i was really lost and alone on the inside, those medals were to convince myself i was better than the years before this one, a lie that i was becoming my best self.

But now all that shit is gone, dead, useless to me. Eventually i was left alone, with NO distractions, only my mind and a body i couldn't move in. Only a bed, in a room, no where else to go. Everything i thought that mattered, everything i connected my worth with, suddenly didn't mean anything anymore, because all that was was my chronic pain, and what i did with it. All that mattered now was fighting for a better life, for freedom from a bed, for freedom within my head.

I had to rebuild myself from nothing, i had to literally rewire my brain. I studied neuroplasticity and my only goal was to train my brain to be able to live with this pain. And i had to change a LOT. I can tell you my mind and the internal dialog in my head is completely different from 2 years ago, and also much a much kinder, and safer place.

So no, i won't finish college, im gonna be poor forever, i wont work, but i am much happier.

I finally feel like the best version of myself. The challenges i face in my life are no longer overwhelming, but a cycle ive grown rather fond of. Im so secure with myself that i can say "this next hardship will be good for me." And i don't think many people have the privilege of being that optimistic when faced with stressful situations.

It would have taken me my whole life to get to this point if i was still focusing on things like grades.

Im happy, and im more proud of myself than when i beat a triathlon, or won art contests.

[theendofuno]

okay….haii tl;dr: i want to throw myself from a reactor nuclear and besides loving this page dearly keeping it daily isnt helping me with these kinda of thought so ill start a god-knows-who-long hiatus

now *puts a music box version of meltdown by iroha for dramatic purposes* *cleans throat* pretending im talking to an audience its easier for me okay dont judge me :(

i dont know how to write texts but ill try my best to explain everything without going into too much annoying stuff but the text may have a few suicide mentions here and there

okay

i created this page in a very dark period of my life that never went away, it actually worsened everyday. it was supposed just to be fun and games, "oh this character didnt got released this month, maybe drawing him everyday for a month until he gets here will be very funny!!!" *stares at 2 years*

as you can see, i didnt had ANY prepare to keep going for the long we did, but this is 100% not a complain

i really love this page, i really do love everyone i've met, i love having this project with my best friend, but i cant and wont lie: it made me VERY worse than i already was. it made me feel good, it made me feel loved, it made me feel human again, and at the same time it absolutely killed me

having to keep this consistence everyday, having to do good drawings, not allowing myself to do what it was better for my own health just because i didnt wanted to disappoint people with silly drawings when the first week was all cool drawings full colored with a bunch of details, references and etc

i really lost my count of how many times i had a terrible breakdown or even an attempt and my first thought was just "yeah that sucked. anyway i have to work so people will have some art tomorrow!"

and to be honest i dont think starting this page with my friend was…..that of a good idea. i know youre here just for their art. you dont need to lie i know theyre better than i am and you would prefer to see their art everyday other than mine. dont worry the feeling its mutual

but well theyre a slow artist and i wont be the one forcing them to draw everyday, i am the one that can do it and thats what i did for 300 days until now!

but that was something that kinda broke my feelings also cuz im very harsh on myself and keeping comparing their drawings to mine, not only the quality but also the different attention it all got (and sometimes it was almost a 20 likes difference so..sucks to be me ig) isnt doing good for my little damaged brain. its 100% not their fault tho and im not saying it is KJGDKFDK but if im going to be honest then i will

i dont know how to keep going the text tbh,, so,, my point is that im havent felt well since i started the page, and i love it with my whole heart, and these feelings have nothing to do with uno, grand chase itself, or the community (maybe a 2% fault go for annoying people from twitter /hj), im just being a little egoistic and doing this for myself or otherwise i can go completely insane and well. psych wards dont look funny :(

i really feel nasty, an HORRIBLE human being, absolute egoistic trash by abandoning the page, i feel SO FUCKING BAD for not drawing my son, by not updating here everyday and allowing people to see the silly stuff i do, but i guess i got to my breaking point where i just cant keep ignoring my suicide attempts by drawing and keeping my mouth shut (really, my last attempt was so scary i didnt fully recovered from)

yeahhhhhhh

i guess that was it

i pinky-promise i'll try my best to keep drawing and posting everytime i can, but it wont be daily, and it may not be weekly also, but i didnt gave up and i WONT gave up, this page is my absolute pride and joy and i cant just let it go away for a bad mental day. i still love and forever will love uno and drawing him, and i'll be forever happy for everyone i've met and helped me even without they knowing, just by liking or commenting on my stuff

i hope you guys can forgive me for abandoning stuff right now and i hope y'all dont forget me. i wont be mad if you forget me. i'll just be a little sad. maybe cry a little *stares at you like that ( ◕_◕)* but dont worry. its okay.

i'll be trying my best to get back posting daily at least around day 330, but dont put high hopes. please. dont expect much. bigs chances i'll be just dropping a stick man with a heart ahoge saying haiiiii and go back to posting silly ugly art

[cheeseandbretboy]

no idea how the vivarium couple didnt end up killing little martin god that is awful but i also kind of started caring for him towards the end when he was grown up,,,, cycle of abuse or something maybe even thoubh hes a robot or something god thats sad and the most important part of grwing up wasnt even shown (0-5 years) so surely it was jsut their fault???? same concept as we need to talk abt kevin. poor kid that mustve been horrifying also can we talk about how accustomed we all are to hating children how strange is that ! as if we arent children at all and we forgive ourselves bc we just say we hate ourselves but thats a lie, i dont love children but ive realised how petty and CHILDISH it is to hate them now so i am now neutral i think ive just realised how bad some have it kind of like i did and we really dont think of children as human, sure they're not fully formed yet but they are human and will become adults so more should be expected of them and practicing natural consequences will help us so much, development is horrifying to me and i dont know how parents are able to be even mildly confident about raising a small human being because there is SO MUCH that can and will go wrong, and yet so many opportunities.. LMAOOAO also was not expecting actor of anderson from sherlock bbc to be there as martin.. and thinking over my life i think it should be ok that kids grow to dislike their parents because of course anything can go wrong and it will go wrong, its gross to think that they can do it perfectly and i see so many people being ungrateful for having amazing opportunities and experiences and it makes me want to rip something, and the exact same applies to me even if they did some objectively bad things and will not speak to me in the future, but i really hope i wont hold it against them because it really isnt their fault, they were brought up in a different world and genuinely want what is best for me, rarely are people malicious on purpose and its just refreshing- especially when u realise that, that thought itself can make u malicious so its time to stop being gross and time to just move on, ill remember them fondly like the childhood dream i had of that big big tree on the oval with glowing sapphires and ill know the bad things they did but i will live with that calmly because theres no point in holding it against them that will only make it worse for myself its ok i will find a way to keep pursuing my interests in science while not starving out on the streets because working like she does is something im really scared of, i hope i will be able to keep myself afloat and MAYBE JUST MAYBE this was a bit too much for a 10 year old to worry about but maybe its prepared me, maybe im less pretentious or maybe im more pretentious and its all okay because i can see things differently, and others will look up at me and think well hes lucky but i can see things differently and it goes down and down and down i know it sounds boring but we cant appreciate what we have and that makes me so so so sad and annoyed and frustrated and i just cannot ahhdejnjssnd we are so so so lucky!! the world is beautiful and without its flaws there would be no beauty, without these concerns and without these mental and philosophical worries we would have nothing at all, guys maybe the zone is real but its still not time to increase my 3.5 star rating for stalker

[solardick]

Well cant hack 12 hour shifts. Not there. Doing that. Neither am i fond of working with foreigners that i cant understand a word they say. While being in a position of leadership. Almost knocked over skids. Hit crates. Ripped off the bottom. Couldnt stop yawning. I left. Didnt say a word. Just walked out. Cant do it. Not with this desease.

The dag life stips fucken with me is the day i die. 40 fucken years of this shit. Fuck off with this horrorscope Bs. And leave me alone.

I get it i wont even bother trying to speak to another again.

Comtinolating welfare and suicide again for another year.

If i dont get more than 3 hours of sleep i aint going to work.

Im glad riley has personality islands. Cuz i dont. Not allowed to.

Well guess im not

Going to work

Cuz i aint sleeping.

Even on fucken sedatives. So you k ow what. Im going lay here watch tv till 3 in yhr morning and then have 4 days off.

Hey, its the end of the year. With less then 12 hours of daylight. Lets double your work load. Doible the stress. Double the safety risks Give you more hours, and serround you woth people that dont speak your language. Doible your responsibility without any trainign. Ywah thats a great plan.

Now im going to take. 300$ beauty sleep.

Born sereounded by enemies. Live sereojnded by enemies. Will die serrounded by enemies. Born to be fucked by immoral assholes.

Well still sivk. But not as bad. Not bed riden. Today. Mindlessly trying to enjoy age of empires. Which is impoosible cuz that game sucks.

Winder whta lif eis not being fuck with. Never experienced it before. Probablt out of a job again for another christmas present.

Got to love that gaming contract. Upon instalation you sre legally binded to this contract. Which you can only read if you doenload the game. So the option to reject the contact is void.

And their still attavking me. Intentional stressors. Burning me out. The punishment has been going well over 25 years now.

Still burnt out. Think maybe ill try and take the rest of the year off.

Hey look! Its 2:30am im still awake. Well y’all can come distrub me at home while im sick with ehatever y’all did to me. Use melany as a fabricated excuse. Hut im not going to andwer the door because you may not. Because im supposed to be at work and wouldnt be here to ipen it. Too bad. If you fored me how would you fuck eoth me anymore?

Im still

Missing half my toe hair and 10% of my leg hair. Where the fuck is it.

Im goos with plausible deniablility too.

You know what would be greta. If yall syop making me fucken divk and then telling me to go get help. That be fanfucken tastic. It would. Born in hell serrounded by sadists.

Im this close to quiting my day rape job. Waiting till i run out of momey and hanging myself. 40 years teaches me. Humanity is a failed expirement. Who all deserved to be nuke off the face of the planet. Like theyve been doing to me for for all these years. From people form all ealks of life. All praying to their various sadistic gods.

What do you do for a living. Well i was born in hell being paid to be abused. Its an easy job. All

I have to do is be alive. And there no cure for inhumane assholes. Populaying rhe planet.

Now with 9 hours of sleep within 3 days. I feel fine to operate a forklift. And be on my feet for 12 hours running around all day. No ones ever cared about my life why the fuck would i care about yours. Almost time to go

Back to weok and pretend like i dont want to murder wvery person there. And this large ever growing social circle of fucktards.

Dont forget to dose me with more ass raped drugs for christmass now. Maybe the shodow of the entire community will

Engulf me again. Thats always a fun experience. Wngulfed by bs.

Maybe i will call that company outline and lie about why im sick. Tried telling the turh last time. They didnt care. They were oo busy trying to urn me into a queer.

Fuck i hate 12 h shifts. You go from

Having no fowntime. To having too much.

That was a waste of time. Its a burn out. Go see a

Shrink

Fuck off. Like the foreigner who rang my door bell at least 25 times. Till i told him to fuck off. Ring it once. Maybe a souble and wait 5- 15 seconds. Then rimg again. If no answer you fuck off. Not this fucktard.

Gwt intentionlly aggravated untill you snap. Then tell you to go grt help. Fuck you.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

im uninspired and feeling like my head is empty, because ive spent a longgg time hibernating in the safety and comfort of my own bedroom.

well a small lie - i did go out to buy groceries today. it seems were all in the same boat. its cold out! no one wants to go outside. but connection and social interaction is what brings us confidence and joy and comfort in the discomfort.

but yet somehow despite that discomfort (my anxiety about returning to the real world) i was completely fine. i was okay. because i think ive finally figured it out. i know how to take care of myself. i know how to make space in the world without feeling ashamed or guilty for it. or im learning. but im so so so much better than i was. a year ago, two years ago... etc.

ive been wondering why i thoughtlessly let myself fall into the trap of nostalgia and request an old friend that i cut off on instagram. hes probably wondering why now? and avoiding it. fair enough. im not going to rescind that decision - its done now. but still i question my logic in that moment. but thats the thing, i wasnt thinking. i was being hopeful. but either way - he doesnt owe me anything, even if we were to become reconnected i wouldnt want to reach out or make any plans together. which again begs the question of why i would even try get into contact again in the first place.

i guess i have just been feeling tired of wondering how everyone from my past is doing, and that things could and would be so chill and relaxed if id never jumped to blocking but actually calmly and slowly distanced myself. which is what i am capable of doing now - after a few years of practice.

but coming back full circle - this friend was not a true friend. my nostalgia is a rose coloured pair of glasses because i remember our friendship and bond and the fun we had and the mischief we got up to. but this person - was not a friend. he was ill intentioned and selfish, and didnt truly care for me. he disrespected me and hurt me time and time again. so no, he is not worth my energy anymore. once upon a time we were soulmates. but i changed. i grew up. we grew apart. it was natural. and for some reason... of all the people from my past i could have done it to... it was him?

to be fair i already did reach out to my ex in march. and then i changed my mind within a week or two. and then he reached out to me... isnt that crazy? the timing? the fact that god had us pass eachother by like doves in the wind or ships in the night... because despite our bond still being there - the memories, the connection, the impact we had on eachother - its not enough. it was never enough. again, i grew up, we grew apart, and it was natural.

so what does this all mean for me? my usual logic is to cut the cord and say goodbye. but my subconscious desire to love, be connected, and honour the relationships that made me the person i am today is becoming stronger and stronger. i can put aside my ego and hurt, because i healed. i let it go. it is in the past. the past stays in the past and all that matters is now. and right now - i am not the kind of person who just deletes a person from her life and calls it a day. people are not disposable. and while i respect that we are completely different people now, and our paths have diverged and we will never replace the connection we once had, it doesn't mean i want to let you go entirely. i remember you. i respect how much of an impact you had in creating the person i am today.

i also respect that i probably hurt you just as bad when i walked away. so while i am ready to let go and forgive and reach out, i dont expect you to feel the same. to receive that energy and respond to it. its in YOUR prerogative to simply ignore and delete that request in the same exact way i did.

but... i probably wont reach out to the other friend. some people stay in the past. idk. im lost now. my point is ive let go and forgiven. but nothing really has to change, only my behaviour moving forward. no mistake is worth my walking away. distance is my friend but i dont need to cut people off anymore. thats the easy way out. life isnt meant to be easy. i want to learn to do the hard thing... i am learning to do the hard thing.

this has been a healing experience. thank you, C <3

[dadkisser15]

Im craving this boy in so many ways

I wanna feel him so bad and just hold him close. My head is aching and I feel like the only thing that could soothe this ache is the sound of his intensely sweet voice, his precious laugh and how I would do almost anything right now to just hear him. It makes me almost emotional how much I miss it, maybe it’s the fact that I’m a little tired and probably going to be menstruating soon but even if those things weren’t in the picture I’d still be feeling this way! I’m probably just being dramatic but god it feels like it’s been ages, like literal fucking decades and I just need him. I don’t wanna bother him or anything with my whining because I feel as if it’s staring to get annoying but sometimes I really cannot help myself, I’m a very expressive person in so many ways and I also don’t like lying so when I do It’s kind of obvious that I am; so I can’t lie to myself and just PUSH this feeling inside of me and just not do anything about it!!!!!!!! Oh, which reminds me I was overthinking so bad earlier while I was just playing some stupid game and well firstly, the overthinking stunted my performance greatly and it just made me really sad. I wont write out what I was thinking of but I’m still kinda worried about it I’m trying really hard to just brush it off because it isn’t like a big deal but I’m a jealous girl and this is eating me up. Like, I can’t really complain to anyone about it because in my opinion the problem is so minuscule that it would make me appear as just CRAZY or just super dramatic which I know I am but I don’t wanna FEED into that ! I wish I didn’t feel this way at all because it doesn’t feel normal, well it’s the norm for me but I know this isn’t a normal thing. Am I suffering from some sort of mental illness? Oh, we will never know. All I know is jealousy isn’t a pretty look yet I wear it constantly, can I help myself? No, I cannot. Sadly, I cannot be nonchalant and just not care about stuff because I care about everything and more. I wonder if he ever feels like this, probably not because I don’t think he HAS things to be jealous of ! (I have like no fucking friends) He’d probably claim that I wouldn’t either but ☹️😭 oh gusy I can’t even ufkcing say it I wanna cry

LIKE DO YOU SEE THIS I DIDNT even write it out or anything but thinking about it is bringing me to tears. WHY AM I SO DRAMATIC 😭!!!! Like what is wrong with me, I wish my brain was like a sponge so I could squish all of this feeling out and just be a clean sponge again because I hate this feeling so much, Ihate jealousy it is literally the worst feeling EVER. In my stupid what if scenario I made up in my head earlier while overthinking I was like, “oh, if this happens I could just pretend like everything is okay and act like how i normally act!” And yeah I can do that but it’ll make things hard for me, when I get upset about something i usually just cannot stop thinking about it so the longer I pretend everything is just fine and dandy the harder it is for me to eat, sleep or just feel like doing stuff that I’m supposed to be doing. I just think about this often, why do people lie about unnecessary things? I don’t understand what’s the point!!! It just annoys me when I’m painfully aware of something but I have to pretend as if I’m ignorant to the truth, it really just upsets me. I feel like I’m going to cry right now because I’m thinking about this stupid thing again OH AND GREAT I AM CRYING!!!!

I feel like all of this worry and anxiety is also just tied down to the fact that I am so incredibly insecure about myself. I constantly tell myself not to compare myself to others and I even give that advice to others but I do it so often, I do it to the point I feel sick of myself and just everything about me. Why can I not follow my own advice and why do I put myself in positions where I can compare myself? I don’t know, it’s not like doing those things will better myself. Maybe motivate but there’s better ways to do that. Envy is not a great way to motivate yourself, it makes me feel sick. Sorry, tumblr for my self deprecating tangent but I’m just writing what comes to mind and I guess that right now I’m just really feeling it, I feel like need to be reassured but who’s going to reassure me ? What do I even need reassurance for?!! That I don’t even know either but I crave comfort and reassurance and it makes me sad knowing I don’t know who to rely on for things like that. I think I’m a bad person for feeling this way, for feeling envious of some girl who could literally care less. It probably means nothing yet I am so jealous and I’m overthinking about it. It makes me mad that I’m so worried over some random when they’re literally happily living their life like what the fuck is wrong with me. Genuinely.!! I want to just extract this from my mind and forget about it and I wish I wasn’t so curious at times because I’d be better off just being oblivious.

Guys I’m probably going to cry myself to sleep over some dumb shit again so I’m done writing 😜

[spiralsta1rcase]

i'm too lazy to get on my computer and open up dreamwidth right now so i'll make my lame-o boring long posts right now. hey it's 10 pm here so you can't blame me! i've got a lot on my head right now. time to use a feature i've never used before... so click this thingy if you wanna read my long words!

feels cool to have that there. anyways.

recently my weight loss "obsession" (or is it just an interest? i'm not starving myself, just watching what i eat...) kicked back in again. i think it's good that i work on this stuff during the summer cuz ive got the beach and stuff to keep me active, lol.

well. i've noticed some progress since a while ago. i'm not sure what happened but i had a little pause where i didn't care so much and just kinda did whatever i wanted, food and exercise wise. not that it's a bad thing, it's fine, really. anyways. last time i weighed myself i was at 66.8 kg, which is great compared to the 70kg i was at! i'm around 165 cm so i guess this is an okay weight to be at, woohoo! i wanna go lower, but i don't wanna be unrealistic- let's get to 10kg by september!- like, no. realistically i'll probably be back at 70kg by september But let's be optimistic! i'll be happy if im at 60kg though i wanna be at, like, 52-55kg.

not eating much is easy cuz you've got stuff like water and chewing gum and yummy fruits to keep you company but the hard part is the exercise thing.. considering i don't. like that very much. i've gotten pretty good with tennis and badminton but i guess i just don't like the playing against another person thing. maybe something just, like, going to the gym or running would be better for me. i can play sports with family or friends or something... i did tennis after school for a bit but i quit partly because i didn't like little year 7s being better at me and partly because one time a guy i kinda like was playing in the same area as my group was and i got so nervous i missed every ball and also got hit in the face with a ball. i also think i fell over but im not sure. it was embarrassing.. anyways. running and gym is the ideal for me i guess.

hey isn't getting enough sleep a good thing for weight loss too? cuz, um, i'm not doing that. its almost 22:30. whatever. i just wanna add that im not losing weight just to look better though that is part of it. i do care about confidence and not getting bullied but also i do care about my health and even if i don't lose a lot of weight ill still be happy knowing ive gotten a much more active life compared to a few years ago! but i wont lie and say, oh, i don't care about how i look, because i do. i also wanna get braces or something like that to fix my overbite because its another thing to do with confidence...

well i should go to bed now. i'm feeling hopeful! and also im promising i wont get crazy obsessed about my weight and starve, cuz i like food and having hair lol.

[salaciousslut]

Thats more than valid!! When i have the occasional dream something in the real world has to remind me of the dream. Or i only remember 1-3 seconds of my dream. Its cute ive shown up in your dreams twice now<3

I promise i wont feel bad about it sweetheart☺️ and yeah, youre right i cant deny being enamored by you🫣 i blame the fact that youre charming and irresistible🥰

Please I love lazy days i could spend the whole day tracing shapes on your skin and talking to you<3 i know youre cute when youre sleepy so lemme make you comfy🥺

I wont lie some fire signs take some warming up to, ive had my share of meeting leos who are so far up their own asses that i just couldnt even stand to be around them. But most other fire signs are chill, but im also from what is ironically a family of fire and air signs so i might be biased! 🤭 also now that i think of it one of my best friends who is always down to go out to bars whenever i ask is also a virgo🤭 i even made plans with them friday night to force our other friends to come out to a bar with us to celebrate one of our favorite artist's birthday when he turns 40 this Tuesday. I dont know much about astronomy but i'd like to go stargazing with you, i think it'd be nice<3

Im glad you at least got some rest! Dont give yourself a headache by studying too hard, sweetheart🥺 i know you'll do great on your exam, like absolute confidence in your skill<3

And what'd you have for lunch!? I was actually about to wash some rice for lunch and check to see if we have any chicken left for some protein, im also thinking about day drinking though 🙄 on weekends i always say i'll drink after 5pm and then i never drink, like i didnt touch any of my alcohol yesterday even though i wanted to?? Like i dont understand myself, i wanna do something so bad i dont do it.

im charming and irresistible 🥺🥰 you are too!! im just here kicking my feet and giggling babe, im nothing too special

yes ive had my fair share of fire signs but they have really grown on me and now i love them!! it just takes a lil bit to lower my walls with fire signs (esp aries besties, im sorry but ive in some sticky situations with yall) but yeah ive learned to love and accept them as they are!!!

omg im that way my friends too! my friends know i almost always say yes to going out, a lil dinner date, or shopping!! to me its about spending time with my people so i love being invited out

ooh which artist is turning 40??? who are we celebrating?? i wanna join!! hehe im kidding but that sounds super fun!!

thank you for believing in me!! just a lot of content but tbh im always stressed so it isnt much different! but ill be sure and take breaks here and there!!

i had some salad and leftover fried chicken and rice!! yummy and twinsies haha!! i support day drinking (to an extent) so get a drink!!! ill be getting drunk out of my mind tomorrow after my exam so you know the vibes!! but i feel you! if i wanna do something so bad, i end up always pushing it back, its sooo irritating

[frostbite-the-bat]

I love drawing and hyperfocusing on it for so long that i dont realize just how tired i am and in how much my pain my hands and arms are and its so bad i gotta lay down but still noo despite all this mom tells me im HEALTHY AND FINE even if she knows about at least my hand pain but its like nothing of importance to her its not like im hiding anything i told her many times but in this family getting my parents to get me to see a doctor is actually impossible

Im pissed abt this rn bc im i wanna do stuff but im laying in bed bc of MY HANDS and bc ive been signing shit for future jobs at employment departments and shit since hashtag unemployed living and i had to chexk twice that im healthy and have no complications when i clearly do and i should get myself checked. Please at least for my mental health my mom knows i have some diagnosis but noo thats not important you hide it well so you must be healthy

I hope i can figure this out because i cannot do any fucking work normally like this i was suffering so much at my school during practice and i complained abt that enough (Tho my school was high key abusive)

I just wish people listened to me man. I wish i wasnt stuck in here and i knew how to talk to people and doctors and that if i wanted to do thst i didnt need to lie and sneak out. Please like i keep saying im in pain im tired i cant do this also i have constant stomach issues now as well but it's all ignored im always ignored here and i hate it. I just want help. If i wanna get out of here ill need a job but if the paperd say im fine i cant find anything that wont fucking destroy me. maam im not lazy to do 8 hrs i dont think i can do them id physically crumble at 6 hours of practice even before all this got worse after i had covid again.

Like ive accepted theres something wrong with me finally but now i cant even get help how fun is this. I just want confirmation i want to be heard

[in-decisivo]

i have been juggling the memory of you and the things you did and to why you did the things you did to me on some hazy days.

it must come off as a surprise to me, and to everyone who knew you that you actually did this to me, especially to me

who you promised and swore to keep me with the best that you can and let this be the only and last relationship youll had because we both said, it is tiring to re-do it all over again for the wrong people while hopefully it could be us in the end

you were right it is tiring to do this all over again, but were both wrong for each other now

and this is the end

this is now, the new us - i have another person in my life who knew my secrets i keep, who knew the things i say when i was asleep, who knew my fears and my dreams and pretend you dont exist

i read a quote somewhere, to protect your peace you do everything for your mental

health and do not ever compromise it for whatever circumstances that is

in hindsight, we certainly can do whatever we want if mental health is at stake, but know that overstepping boundaries, rights and stepping over someones peace of mind is not the rightful thing to do, but you did and you knew what you are doing

you knew what is about to happen if you were caught and cornered which you were and these things happened to you because you know its going to happen to you but you did it anyway, were you wishing that i would be graceful about it? did you honestly think for one second i would be calm and just get over it?

this isnt like youve known me 3mins ago

you knew what im capable of - you said yourself im a big relentless fiery energy in rage

and you believe i get what i want when i want i how i want it, i think you knew that

how flawed of a person you are to actually do horrible acts to the people you actually love, if i believe so

things doesnt just happen - you act on it you consciously choose to do it and do something to make it happen - it is a choice

you messed up real bad mj

so bad

i cant look at you, the way i used to look at you, i cant not imagine you kinder - i wish you were but you knew what you did and how im going to look at you now

i have counted the days when were together and i significantly sense there must be something, you think i didnt know thinking i wont mind but i did, i saw you and your eyes they dont lie

but you said lets trust each other and hope to have never falter because if we do it will be the end of it

how many times i have to convince myself that you did what you did and have to repeat it a thousand times each day to just level my head and hopefully be fine with it

you wont know

you will never know

ill forever spend the rest of my days thinking why

just like you, you were in this pedestal long ago you must know how it feels

i honestly feel you did what you did to get a way out, isnt it?

isnt it?

why dont you just tear me apart - rip my heart out- bury me alive- i wont care it would be my fault anyway

i wont mind im always going to be the villain i dont care

but you did what you did and its a lot of a burden to carry now,

youre gonna have to die in my head

you have to

[nonbinarylesbianherb]

okay im gonna put this here as well in tags lowkey just skip to the end bit bc i have diagnosed yapper and i do in fact yap-

i did a few points cuz some of them r from s1 and my memory is not good so it can like count as one LOL. They’re all older rhaenicent because we’re talking abt older alicent / s2 writing of her, so im assuming we’re talking abt older rhaenicent. I do think older rhaenicent is a much more flawed ship than younger rhaenicent

1. I can’t remember specifically what it was but it may have been something to do with delaying the war- when Rhaenyra was given a torn page from Otto (one Alicent had kept) and agreed to not do something (its been a while since I saw s1 bear with me lmaoo)

2. When Alicent asked rhaenyra if she could come back (this was like after the dinner with everyone yk the one) and rhaenyra said okay (well it was more than that but okay was the gist)

3. When she wanted to go talk with Alicent and Mysaria was like brother, it would be easier to kill her damn- (Alicent has also been like aye let’s not kill rhaenyra actually)

and i agree with you! there should have just been- aye ill make aegon my heir we good-(obviously its too late for that now I think after everything that has happened) now i dont think id describe alicent as ‘happily’ giving over her sons, but i was also upset with how they did things and why she couldn’t at least leave with both helaena and aegon and their kid. i mean yea there were many options she couldve thought about first or something, i mean we haven’t even had a scene with her and aegon in ages (maybe she was going to go back to kl and talk to him, obviously atp he’s left but she doesn’t know that, but idk where they were going w it)

and you’re correct that both the show (and fandom tbh) are quick to jump Alicent’s flaws and shame her for them, but when they do eventually notice Rhaenyra’s flaws (and she has many as well) it’s seen more as “empowering” or smt that she is a flawed woman and that’s good representation etc- and it is upsetting to see the change with how they treat both characters. I do love both alicent and nyra (i mean i wont lie and say its fully equal, i am much more biased towards alicent) cuz people will blame Alicent for her flaws and mock or shame her, whilst rhaenyra they’ll say it wasn’t her fault or she’ll be empowered because of it. Now from what I’ve seen in the HOTD fandom i can say Alicent faces much more vitriol (and honestly just plain misogyny and victim blaming) than rhaenyra- and it IS unfair and annoying and upsetting to see the difference. (not that I want rhaenyra to face misogyny or victim blaming- and she has before! but by the fandom not as much as alicent- i mean like both of them have their flaws and actions recognised without one being “good” and the other being “bad”)

I think a lot of scenes esp w s2 I’ve actually seen the fandom upset at rhaenyra, esp the sept scene people were upset at her and saying she was stupid/bad and it made her look bad etc. And hey Alicent has more redeeming qualities than just loving and protecting her kids 😔 but i agree it was a quality that in s2 the writing for her character just became odd and contradictory and yea,,, rough. (i mean hey if they ever make her fully hate her kids ill be upset for her behalf and angry at the writers but they could never make me hate you alicent hightower no matter how hard they butcher your writing/character 🫡)

I understand your anger and I have felt a lot of it myself with how they’ve written and done things. -

Now I don’t think you’ll change your opinion on rhaenicent or stop hating the ship (which is fine because it is your opinion and you have rights LOL) in the same way I won’t change my opinion on rhaenicent/ or stop loving them- and this conversation may continue to drag on forever 😭 i can recognise why you hate rhaenicent and i hope you can recognise that rhaenicent (more specifically young rhaenicent, but rhaenicent all the same- in the same way i connect and am attached more deeply to young alicent but alicent all the same.) is important to me on many levels. At the end of the day we both love alicent and are upset with s2 writing of her!

I need Rhaenicent shippers to stay away from the Alicent Hightower tag, you never liked her, you're salivating over the fact she abandoned her own CHILDREN, you're praising the writers for robbing her of agency and personality, you got what you wanted a useless prop who exists solely to make Rhaenyra look good.

You won, now stay away from Alicent Hightower fans we do not want to see your bs!

[insertdisc5]

Hi!! I wanted to ask, in celebration of Deltarune CH. 2, do you have any updated thoughts and head canons about the game?? Like, y'know, similar to a previous ask about Kris in your Deltarune tag? Thanks!

thoughts on kris part 2 i guess???? (part 1 from ch1 here lol)

spoilers for deltarune like woah. this wont be kris focused just random thoughts on everything. thank you for giving me the opportunity to talk

not that many thoughts for this chapter tbh! EDIT LOL: this was a lie i have a lot of thoughts

-just in general i feel like the player isn't the only one controlling kris... like yes the player forced kris to do what happened in the snowgrave route but AT THE SAME TIME idk it feels like there's someone else too. just because of the terrifying voice i suppose. and also the jerky movement kris does every time they get their soul out? unless there's another reason for it... maybe getting your soul out means you walk weird lol

-BUT ALSO i feel like kris is 100% in control when they create fountains. idk it just makes sense kris would create them. to create another world, a better world, A WORLD WHERE THEIR BROTHER IS HERE PERHAPS? i do wonder why they get their soul out then though. i'm all for it sweetie! do whatever! i support you!

-(i am and will be playing deltarune with only kris' best interests in mind. i will not hurt anyone unless kris wants me to. dont worry my little meow meow im on your side! talk to me! no? okay ill stay under the sink its fine)

-speaking of asriel. SUMMER VACATION COLLEGE WHEN? SUMMER VACATION COLLEGE WHEN? SUMMER (starts crying) V-VACATION COLLEGE WHEN

-kris misses their brother so much it's so sad. if you make kris steal 5$ from asriel they take it "reluctantly"? talking to asriel online so often even alphys knows?? the google search?? GOING INTO ASRIEL'S GOOGLE SEARCH ROOM WITH THEIR EYES CLOSED BECAUSE THEY'RE CONVINCED THEY ALREADY KNOW WHATS IN THERE? THAT ONE IS LESS OF A MISSING THING BUT IM LIKE OH MY GOD

-the city walk with susie at the end makes it clear to me that kris really values susie's friendship... kris even sits with her if you spend long enough near the lake like aaaaah ;_;

-and even in snowgrave you spend your last acts with the final boss calling for your friends like YES there's a way bigger creepy aspect to this (kris as more of a Leader who Commands and commands their subjects to come) but still :'0 (and then noelle answers oh my god noelle im so sorry for the trauma)

-berdly. listen. listen. listen. liste

-berdly sucks but [berdly hurts his arm in the battle against queen if you don't save him because he doesnt want to hurt you] [berdly realizing smg's wrong in snowgrave and immediately taking steps to save noelle] berdly is my little crumb nugget. i will protect him.

-noelle. noelle. girlboss!

-like ooooh listen. hearing about the genocide path for undertale. made me go "that is SO COOL. i HAVE to experience it myself this is great. hehehe killing time" and like no regrets. i was fully enjoying the experience knowing i was an awful person. SNOWGRAVE THOUGH. i will never try this myself its too fucked up. casually grooming your childhood friend to murder people <3 and also acting like a weird stalker towards her <3 stockholm syndrome speedrun i will get all the info i can about this but i will never do this myself

-people remarking the kris/player>noelle relationship is similar to the relationship between player>chara in genocide path is like yes. chefs kiss. don't worry we just are making you stronger and everything will be fine "you made me kill my friend? and for what?" this is fine sweetie don't worry about it!!!!!!

-like the amount of details added to snowgrave, like if you equip noelle's watch she notices later? and her battle animations change as time goes on, she gets an ice shield and stops sighing in relief after battle? oh my god? oh my god.

-(berdly is not awake.) JUST KILL ME RIGHT HERE I HAVEN'T STOPPED THINKING ABOUT BERDLY NOT BEING AWAKE!!!!!

-also why didnt he turn into dust. so many possible reasons. is magic a thing in the normal world and perhaps no magic means no dust (theres graves). maybe he isnt dead. maybe hes braindead. maybe he'll come back. either way that boy is now in the closet big enough to put someone in

-also dess' name probably being december AND THATS WHY NOELLE LOST THE SPELLING BEE?!?!??! FUCK ME UP!!!!! JUST FUCK ME UP!!!!!!! OH MY GOD!!!!!!

-also so many good pixel art this chapter. too many? i didnt need pixel art of cardboard noelle falling on the statue. like thank you but please. please it hurts my game artist brain.

-the expressions in this chapter were also top notch. all the unsettling noelle expressions like (i fall over face first)

-i threw away the ball of junk (which i already tried in ch1) and this time the game was like "ARE YOU SURE BC THIS IS A BAD IDEA" and kris felt bitter :'( (it deletes all your items in the dark world)

-i uh fucked up and skipped the susie+noelle scene bc listen last time ralsei mentionned seeing what susie is doing we missed some PRIMO LORE. turns out it just makes you skip the scene and you dont get anything new. welp

-speaking of ralsei well you know. he exists. but im stuck on him going "i just wonder what being ralsei-like even is...?" ralsei my dude there's so much i could say about this. do you feel like you can't be ralsei-like because you feel like you have to be asriel-like

-but also that makes no sense bc susie hasnt even mentioned ralsei looks like asriel. and i cant imagine asriel being so meek. so WHAT GIVES

-ralsei as kris’ “i wish i was a monster just like my bro and family and i’d look like asriel but with red horns [THE HALLOWEEN COSTUME] and my name would be something cool like ralsei instead of a boring human name like kris and im sweet and cute because thats how i act with asriel because ASRIEL MADE ME” theory because that would be cute.

-ASRIEL GOING TO THE CHURCH TO CONFESS HIS "SINS" WHEN "SINS" AREN'T A THING IN THE ANGEL BELIEF LIKE I KNOW THIS INTERACTION WAS TREATED AS A JOKE BUT WHAT THE FUCK ASRIEL?

-kris definitely has a connection with the big red door in the city, judging by what the kids say they probably went there... i feel like this place's dark world will be the Final Dungeon you KNOW some shit happened there. also the sounds you hear when you go there is the phone dark world call's sound slowed down? AND AFTER SNOWGRAVE APPARENTLY YOU CANT HEAR IT ANYMORE? HUWAH?

-speaking of songs the songs were all so good, My Castle Town rules, the berdly snowgrave music is stuck in my head, flashback is uwah wuahah, Until Next Time is so good, AND ALSO A FRIEND NOTICED THE DARK WORLD CITY THEME IS JUST tHE SONG 74 (MOST NOTICEABLE WITH THE SNOWGRAVE VERSION)?????? WHAT DOES IT MEAN????? it might be just "hey its just reuse" BUT MR FOX YOU KNOW WE'RE GONNA READ INTO THIS IS NOELLE THE ONE SINGING IDK BRO!!!!!!!!!!

-asgore dreemurr fired from the force what happun!!!!! game theory is that asgore is related to dess' death/disappearance but eh who knows

-you start the chapter at lvl2 and get to lvl3 after the final boss, a friend mentioned this is probably because we destroyed a world and im :0

-to go back to kris it's still so interesting to figure out who they are based on how they act/people mention them. like kris shaking the ferris wheel car? yeah makes sense i can imagine a pranking kid do this. kris' dance? yeah thats a little silly but i can buy it. doing cool anime poses? well i dunno this doesnt line up PERFECTLY but sure. BUT EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS IN SNOWGRAVE... especially >proceed like that is such a weird thing that i can't imagine them doing, but i can't completely see the "player" doing either (compare with going to sans -which kris doesnt know- and going "SANS!" because of course the player would know sans), like THATS one of the reasons i feel like there's someone else in there. the weird robotic merciless actions. if im going super meta it feels like there'd be someone else like writing the choices into existence for us to pick you know? gaster probably? god i need to read more gaster theories i completely sidestepped the gaster shit bc i wasnt interested. anyway just spitballing

-(looks at big shot guy) please dont make him the next tumblr guy i beg you

-obligatory "queen was great" mention if only because this part made me laugh a little bit too hard

that was a lot. thank you for letting me talk