#so here's a random Tweedle edit

[hesmuchmoreimportant]

Once Upon a Time in Wonderland | Tweedledum + Everything Everywhere All At Once

I know you see yourself as a fighter. I see myself as one, too. This is how I fight.

[buckyodinson]

Poetry (AU!Oberyn Martell x fem!Reader)

Request based on this prompt from @ghostofthebarricade​ : I just thought of a Modern!AU Oberyn x Reader where the reader has a toddler daughter from a previous relationship who can‘t pronounce Oberyn‘s name properly so she just ends up calling him Obyn or Byn (Beaaaaaaaaan). And he ends up calling her little Bean…

Word Count: 2k

A/N: Much like the Javi fic, I’d like to preface this by saying I’ve never watched Game of Thrones, and know next to nothing about Oberyn other than what I’ve seen in Instagram edits, or other writing. Hopefully the Modern!AU worked in my favour here???

(D/N = daughter’s name)

You owned a small book store in your town, and it was there that you met Oberyn. He came in one morning, asking whether you had any poetry. You showed him to the shelves that contained the poetry you stocked, and left him there, telling him to give you a shout if he needed anything else.

You walked back to your desk, straightening a few books on the way there. Once you were sat back at your computer, you couldn’t help but steal glances at the man as he inspected the shelves. He was dressed very smartly, and seemed well-educated. He had an accent that you couldn’t quite place, but in the brief exchange you’d shared, you’d quickly determined it to be very attractive.

In your peripheral, you saw him approaching your desk, so you studied your computer screen more intently, hoping he didn’t notice you watching him. He placed three books on the counter and smiled at you once you looked up at him, “Could I trouble you for your opinion?” His voice was like honey and you felt heat rising across your face.

“Of course, how can I be of help?” You beamed at him.

“I like to write poetry in my spare time, but as of late, I’ve had no inspiration and I was wondering, if you had to recommend one of these to inspire me, which would you choose?” He gestured to the three books he placed in front of you.

You looked down at the books and your smile softened when you caught sight of the book in the middle, “This one, for sure. All three are beautifully written, but personally, I find these to be the most charming. I actually read these poems to my daughter. I doubt she understands them, but she sleeps well if I read one to her. I even have to make sure I pack the book when she stays at her dad’s, or she won’t go to bed!” You pick the book up and run your finger up and down the spine lovingly before handing it back to him, blushing and internally cursing yourself for talking about your ex to this random guy.

“I’ll take it, then! How old is your daughter, if I may ask?” His inquisitive eyes shine as he smiles.

“She just turned 3.” You gesture towards a photo on the wall behind you, as you process the book through the register.

“That’s us dressed as Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Dum from Alice in Wonderland, for World Book Day.” You smile as you look at the photo and remember all the people who came into the store that day and complimented the pair of you.

“Good costume choice, she looks just like you! It’s a lovely photo. I take it she loves books?”

“I guess she hasn’t really got a choice with me as a mother!” You joke and he chuckles.

“I bet you’re a wonderful mother. I’d have loved to have been read to all the time when I was younger.” His genuine smile makes you blush as you give him his total and he gives you the money.

“That’s very sweet of you to say, thank you. Maybe one day you’ll be reading your poetry to your own kids?” Your whole face lit up as you gave him his bag.

“Maybe��”

“Well, have a lovely day! And I’d love to read your poetry one day, if you don’t mind sharing it, that is? I bet it’s lovely.”

“Thank you. And perhaps I’ll stop by some time and let you read it.”

“I’d like that…” he gave you a small wave when he walked out the door and down the street.

You took a deep breath and picked up the two books he’d left behind, walking to place them back on the shelf, “Get a hold of yourself… he’s a complete stranger who came in to buy a book, don’t be an idiot.” you whispered to yourself. But when you reached the shelf to place the first of the books back, you saw a business card poking out between two books. Your eyebrows knitted together as you pulled it out and saw the generic business details printed, but also a mobile number handwritten on the back. You quickly put the books back and walked back to your computer, typing in the name on the card.

Oberyn Martell.

You hit search, and his face appeared, as well as a small biography. He was the son of a wealthy oil proprietor from down south. That shocked you, but when you read more, you found he could be considered the black sheep of the family - or white sheep, depending on how you looked at it. While his family were in the limelight, he led a quieter life, choosing to spend his wealth on charities, rather than splashing it on private jets and mansions. He supports several charities that deal with children who are displaced by war, and several LGBT+ charities (much to his family’s chagrin). The more you read about Oberyn, the more fascinated you grew over him, wondering what compelled him to stop in your little book store today.

You looked back at the business card, and turned it over to see the mobile number he’d scrawled on the back. You grabbed your phone and added him to your contacts, but the chime of the bell above your door alerted you to a customer, and you put your phone away before you had a chance to send him a message.

The store gets a little busier as the afternoon hits, and you don’t manage to get to your phone until later in the evening, once you’re home. When you finally sit down with a drink, you open your phone and the first thing that pops up is his contact screen. You smile and type him a message.

‘Is this the sweet-talking poet from this morning?’

You busy yourself with making dinner, dancing lightly around your kitchen when you spot your phone screen light up from across the room. You quickly grab your phone and stare at the message.

‘It sure is. I was beginning to worry you hadn’t seen my card. Or that you had, and had just thrown it in the trash.’

‘Never! I can’t pass up a poet, they’re a rarity these days. Especially if you’re planning on letting me read some of your work.’

‘Well, I’m glad you’re interested.’

You’re about to type back when you see the three little dots appear, and you wait for his second message to come through.

‘Forgive me if this is too forward, but would you like to go out for dinner with me some time?’

Your eyes widened when you read the text, but you quickly typed a reply,

‘I’d love that’

‘I’m free anytime after 6 all this week, D/N is with her dad visiting family this week.’

‘Perfect! I can pick you up from the store tomorrow, if that works?’

‘Sounds good to me!’

The next day, you were closing the shop when Oberyn pulled up to the pavement, and jumped out of the car to pull you into a hug, kissing you on the cheek. You blushed as he opened the passenger door for you, closing it once you were sat inside.

He took you for dinner at a restaurant in town, not overly fancy, but much more upmarket compared to the places you usually ate at. He told you all about his family, and you told him about your ex and your daughter, and he seemed very understanding. You chatted for hours, and you felt a real connection with him.

He dropped you home afterwards, kissing you on your doorstep before walking back to his car and driving away.

You fell for him quickly, and he was evidently enamoured with you too. You’d text constantly and he’d stop by the store often, bringing you flowers, or a small piece of poetry he’d written about you.

The big day, however, was the day you finally introduced him to your daughter. It had been just over a month of him coming to the store with little gifts, or something to eat from the bakery round the corner, and fancy dinners once or twice a week. Your daughter’s daycare was closed for the week because of some building work, so she was spending the week at the book store with you, being your little assistant.

He’d text you the night before to tell you he’d be stopping by, and you’d explained to her that she was gonna meet a new friend of yours at work, and she seemed happy enough at making a new friend.

You’d had a fairly quiet morning in the shop, D/N sat behind the counter with you all morning. If any customers bought anything, she’d give them a drawing to put in their bag when they left too. Most of your customers were regulars, who knew her very well so they all made a big deal about the little scribbles she would hand them, and you were so grateful because the smile on her face rarely wavered.

Oberyn turned up around noon looking very dapper. He waved at the pair of you as he walked in, and D/N waved back happily, simply whispering the word ‘prince’ to you. You think seeing someone dressed so smartly was a new thing for her, as she’d only ever really seen men dressed like that in princess cartoons. It made you giggle as he walked over, and you thought to yourself that he did actually look like a prince. He brought cupcakes for the both of you, and even a cute little set of gel pens for D/N, which she was very excited about.

“D/N, this is my new friend I told you about, remember?” You sat her on your lap as you pointed at Oberyn.

“Yes!” She squealed as she took a bite of her cupcake.

“Hi D/N. My name is Oberyn, it’s very nice to meet you. Your mother has told me lots about you.” He held a hand out and after a nudge from you, D/N reached her own out. Oberyn gently took her hand, and placed a kiss on her knuckles, before bowing as if she were royalty. This produced a giggle from the young girl, who smiled brightly up at Oberyn.

She tried to say Oberyn a few times, unsuccessfully, before simply settling for “Byn!”

“Is that what you wish to call me? Byn?” He chuckled at her attempts and she nodded her head enthusiastically.

“As you wish! But only if I can call you Bean?” He countered, raising an eyebrow comically, and D/N giggled yet again.

“Okay!” She happily carried on her drawing, now with her new pens, while you and Oberyn chatted.

Once it was time for Oberyn to leave, you leaned over the counter to give him a quick kiss, and D/N made a noise of disgust, which made you both chuckle.

“What do you say to Oberyn for the pens?” You smiled down at the drawings she’d done while you idly chatted away.

“Thank you!!” she practically shouted before handing him one of her drawings. It was mostly scribbles, but from the colours, Oberyn could see it was supposed to be him.

“Is this me?” His eyes went wide and he acted shocked, before holding it up next to his face, “It looks just like me! You’re so talented, Bean!” She laughed at the nickname again and reached her arms out to hug him. Oberyn looked at you, as if for permission, and you gestured for him to go ahead. He leaned forward and she wrapped her little arms around his neck, and he quickly picked her up and spun her around in a little circle, before slowing down. As he moved to put her back in her seat, she planted a big kiss on his cheek and you mimicked her earlier ‘ewww’ and she poked her tongue out at you, at which Oberyn laughed heartily.

“I must go, my doves.” He bowed dramatically again, “It was lovely to meet you, little Bean.” She gave him a massive grin in response.

She waved to him as he left the shop, promptly carrying on with her drawing.

“So, do you like Oberyn?” You asked her after a few minutes.

“Byn!!” Is all she said, but the smile on her face told you enough.

[dreamscapesin1582]

request guide.

PROMPT ME!

I would really appreciate it if a request wasn’t vague like:

“May I request for Arthur headcanons?”

This is really difficult! Like, is it supposed to be a fluffy scenario? Established relationship? What on earth is Arthur supposed to do lmao.

You could add something like this:

“May I request for Arthur headcanons where he goes on a date with his s/o along with Vic?”

“Can I request some headcanons about Luka, Harr, and Kyle with an MC who is very sweet but can kick ass?”

Or you could just add some keywords:

“May I request for crack Nobunaga headcanons? Something related to xylophones!”   

EDIT: I have a prompts list if you don’t have a specific one in mind! Click here.

WHEN REQUESTING, PLEASE SPECIFY:

Game - Ikemen Sengoku, Ikemen Revolution, Ikemen Vampire

May be updated in time~

Character/s Involved -

Oda Nobunaga, Toyotomi Hideyoshi, Akechi Mitsuhide, Tokugawa Ieyasu, Ishida Mitsunari, Uesugi Kenshin, Takeda Shingen, Sanada Yukimura, Sarutobi Sasuke, Kennyo, Mouri Motonari, Mori Ranmaru, Imagawa Yoshimoto

Lancelot Kingsley, Jonah Clemence, Edgar Bright, Kyle Ash, Zero, Ray Blackwell, Sirius Oswald, Luka Clemence, Seth Hyde, Fenrir Godspeed, Harr Silver, Loki Genetta, Blanc Lapin, Oliver Knight, Mousse Atlas, Dean Tweedle, Dum Tweedle/Dalim

Napoleon Bonaparte, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Leonardo da Vinci, Arthur Conan Doyle, Vincent van Gogh, Isaac Newton, Theodorus van Gogh, Osamu Dazai, Jean d’Arc, Comte de Saint-Germain, Sebastian, William Shakespeare

Characters with emphasis (bold + italicized) are ones whose routes I've already finished, so I could say I have a better grasp of their character than the ones that aren't emphasized, although I'm still willing to try writing for the ones without routes yet.

Also, I didn’t add the new characters yet (Maeda Keiji, Kicho, Naoe Kanetsugu; Vlad, Johann Georg Faust, Charles-Henri Sanson) because I have little to no info about them and I will find it difficult to write for them. I will update this however, when I do get the hang of it!

Genre - Angst/Tragedy, Fluff/Romantic, Hurt/Comfort, General/Platonic

Fics tagged General/Platonic [ ✾ ] are usually ones I end up writing in passing. They’re usually just fics about a character’s thought process, a random scene, smthng... 

Since it’s just a spur of the moment writing, they are not requested. Although I could accept reqs of it.

HCs don't necessarily need specified genres since it's usually just for fun haha. But if the requester wanted HCs that aren't crack (like fluff reqs) that's okay too.

The NO-NO’s

nothing against some of these!! i just don’t feel comfortable writing it...

Smut - im sorry pls spare me lmao.

Polyamory - i dont want to offend anyone by writing it wrong.

Character x Character / BL / Yaoi - kinda uncomfy for me, but totally not against it. i even have ships lol

Gore/Vore - what even

Nasty stuff lol - like rape, abuse... nope. This, I'm really against.

As of July 2021...

I am no longer accepting requests for fics as I have already opened commissions, although some exceptions may come in celebration of certain events. 

Also, requests will be open every month, but with a limit of 3 slots only. After receiving 3 requests, request inbox will be closed for the month.

---

[ updated: 07/02/21 ] [ LINK TO ASKBOX ]

[amykate96]

So this is a random idea I had for a fic. It's badly written, but let me know what you think before I bother writing any more (or editing this)

Bakugous sat in class tweedling his pen, it's maths, something he could do in his sleep, well at least better than miss midnight. Therefore he doesn't feel the need to pay much attention, other then to zone in every now and again to check what is being said. He's in one of these moments now, he sees on the black board are examples of fraction to percentage conversion, he's about to go back to his thoughts when the classroom door opens up. Principle nezu walks in with aizawa, who are both followed by 4 guys all in black. They're all wearing black boots, variations of black combat trousers, long sleeved black tops with what appears to be bullet vests over the top, and black helmets, closely resembling motor bike helmets. They each have an assortment of weapons and restrainers on their belts. The first one to walk in is averagely tall, maybe 5.11". Wider chest compared to his waist ratio, and broad shoulders, walks with bow legs like he's on a mission. The second guy has to be the tallest,maybe 6.4" and is built like a tank. Even the bullet vests the guy is wearing looks like it's ready to bust open. And those baggy trousers don't deter from the size of his thighs, there's also a gun looking weapon on his belt. The third guy is the shortest, not to say he's short though, he's 5.10" with a solid aethletic build, they're not much to say on this guy's description. And finally the 4th guy walks in, he's around 6.2" and the slimmest of them all, he's still muscular however his shoulders and hips seem to be more narrow, bakugou also notes while watching him walk in that there's something long underneath the back of his top, he's the only one wearing a polo top and whatever the lump is can be seen below the jacket, perhaps hair then? But the thing that stands out most about this guy is the dual swords hanging from his hip.

The entire class looked at them as they lined up at the front of the classroom, and each other with silent confusion and worry. Why was the headteacher and their homeroom teacher bringing these menacing looking guys into their classroom.

"Hello class 1a, as you can see behind me, we have some guests. Well say hello class, cause these are you're new security team" nezu smiles unabashedly. Bakugou, still watching the guys in black, he sees that the first one got fidgety after the principle introduced them. Odd. "It's a trial we're running at the school. We feel that more security will make the students, parents and media see that our students safety is our top priority here at UA. Their main purpose is to observe the inner and outer grounds. Any major student issues that they feel can't be ignored will be brought to your home room teacher, however that is not their main job. in this case, their main goal is, any issues involving major criminal activity within the school ground such as the attack on the USJ we had last summer, they will end it" nezus voice suddenly got really dark, like he was considering any future attack a personal attack on him. Bakugou side glanced over to jiro, even she'd noticed the change in tone going by her facial expression. Everyone felt the shift. These guys were no longer than just menacing, they were figures to be scared of if the moment came.

"Well that's all" he happily continued as if he hadnt just created this gloom over the class "so just ignore them if you seem them in the halls" fat chance, bakugou thought. Things are finally getting interesting around here. Nezu turned around to aizawa and the guys in black, "shall we continue to the next room then"? He asked, not waiting for a reply as he walked out the door as fast as his tiny legs could take him, being followed by aizawa, the guys in black, who's shoulders had all dropped by the looks of it, maybe in relief to be leaving the classroom, and a very confused looking midnight.

As soon as the door closed behind midnight, the entire class erupted in questions and concerns, if anything it was already giving bakugou a headache. "Yo, bukubro, what the hell do you think that was all about" kirishima all but shouts at him as he ran from his desk. "Quieten the fuck down shitty hair" bakugou grumbled and stop fucking calling me that".

"Oh sorry bro, but serious, what do you thinks going on?" He scratched the back of his head in apology. "I don't know" kirishima looks down, if bakugou didn't have an answer, then the rest of them were fucked. "But what I do know, is that he was lying", he glanced up at him.

"Wait who, principle nezu? About what, and how do you know"? He asked excitedly

"Yeah, what makes you think he was lying"? kaminari chirps in, standing behind kirishima. "When has this school ever cared about appearances for the media, and if they were gonna do something about security, why do it now. If they wanted to please the dam media, they would have done it straight after the USJ incident. Not now. So something's happened, or something a gonna happen"

"Woah dude, sometimes I forget how seriously smart you are" kirishima stares wide eyed at him

"What the fuck you mean you forget, anyone's smarter than you shit for brain" bakugou retorted with very little bite behind it.

"I think kacchans right" they all turned to midoriya

"Who asked you dekku" bakugou tried, being ignored and drowned out by midoriyas reasoning.

"The timing is off, why would they explain to us that is was a trial now, and why are they coming to every class individually, it would have made it easier for the principle to announce them in an assembly with every class and year. And the third guy in, he kept looking at his wrist-"

"Hey yeah, I noticed that too" kaminari added. Bakugou hadnt noticed that, and it pissed him off. "I thought it was pretty weird, like if you're gonna be introduced as some new high end security team, shouldn't you like, pay attention" kaminari continued.

" Right," midoriya looked at him in thought. "Though sometimes once he was done looking at it, he'd look around the room.

"What makes you say that? I didn't see him do that" Kirishima asked

"You could see the helmet jerk a little, like he's trying to crane his neck but doesn't want to make it obvious. I think he saw me watching him, cause he stopped after that"

Both kaminari and kirishima start rambling on with their own stupid theories. Bakugou wonders how they have a Braincell between them.

"They're looking for someone" he finally states, feeling tired with the whole conversation now

"I agree, but who"? Midoriya asks out loud.

Before anyone can make any suggestions the classroom door flies open. Miss midnight walks in looking a little paler than when she left. Her eyes are darting around the room looking for someone or some people. Bakugou can't pin point who it, she's moving too fast. Maybe it's the same person those guys are after? His thoughts are gonna have to wait for a bit as the bell goes to signal the end of class and the beginning of lunch.

[currently-lurking-brb]

Boy, do I have a story for you

This is a very petty story and I'm not sorry. So, I am writing this while I have a movie on the tv in the background, I am checking my phone every so often when I receive a message, and I am talking to my dog at a sensible volume whenever I wish to do so. Why am I able to do all this, while watching a film, you ask? Well, I can do this because I am watching it in the comfort of my own home. You see, while at home, you can do whatever you please while watching films, as you do not need to worry about disturbing others. If you wish to watch a film with no disturbance, lights off and phone away, you can do so, or if you wish to multitask like I am doing now, you are also able to do that - because it is your home, your viewing experience, and you can do whatever you like. A cinema, however, is somewhat different. It is a shared viewing experience, and that can sometimes be fun. There are stories of people cheering together in the theatre when the Star Wars theme blared through the speakers during the premieres of The Force Awakens, which I imagine was a wonderful shared experience. Because a cinema trip is a shared experience, it is incredibly important to show a little decorum, and consideration for your fellow cinema-goer. As you can likely tell, I am about to tell you a very frustrating, but somewhat satisfying story. So, today my family and I took a trip to the cinema to see the positively-reviewed Dunkirk. As the trailers started, I turned my phone onto airplane mode, so it wouldn't buzz during the film. Because I'm nice like that. As the trailers were starting, I happened to notice a group of lads come in. It was hard not to laugh, as it was genuinely impossible to tell them apart. All three had bleached blond hair, shaved at the sides and plastered like a solid brick towards the backs of their heads. For the following piece I shall call them Lad 1, Lad 2, and Lad 3, as there was very little else distinguishing them, apart from approximate age. Lads 1 and 2 are clearly teenagers, can't be much more than 16, can't be less than 14, while Lad 3 seems older, possible late 20s/30s. Maybe he's a dad or an uncle, either way, he dresses like he wished he was the same age as Lads 1 and 2. However, I did try not to laugh, because even though I thought they looked like idiots, there are a lot of kind, genuine people in the world who have silly haircuts, and it would be wrong to judge someone by their fashion choices. It was a little harder to not judge when the moment his arse landed in the expensive VIP seat, Lad 2 (seated in the middle, in the row directly in front of me so I could see them very clearly) opened FaceTime to call a mate. You're in the cinema?? Why are you FaceTiming someone? Random, but I push that thought away because it is still the trailers, and not even the trailers based on the movie you're about to watch, so there was a good twenty minutes of adverts before the film was actually due to start. Then, Lad 2 puts his phone away and they all sit very quietly in their seats, watching the adverts just like everyone else. I stop noticing them because I am also watching the adverts. That is what I'm here for. For a little reminder, cinemas are designed so you have very little peripheral vision. You cannot see anything of the row behind you, because of how high the chairs are and the positioning of the rows. However, you can see a lot of whatever is happening in the rows in front, which is why kids used to go to the back row for a quickie in the olden days. If you wanted to see something going on behind you, you would need to twist and crane your neck right back. Any sort of phone/bright electronic-based activity is clearly visible to someone in the row behind you - I thought most people knew this, but apparently not, so there it is, explained. The adverts go wholly undisturbed, until the film actually starts. Lad 2 pulls out his phone, and films a little bit of the screen announcing that we would be watching Dunkirk that afternoon. He then proceeds to add a caption: 'at the pics with @followmyfriend and @followmyotherfriend.' I can see this clearly because he is directly in front of me and his screen is on full brightness. It's annoying. The opening credits are starting - and those who have seen the film know it starts stating some facts and statistics on the true event, which is important to read - and he is still on his phone, attempting to tell all his insta-fans that he's at the cinema, when he had twenty minutes of not-film time to do so. It's really bright, he's taking twelve years to post it and is starting to disturb the whole full row behind him. My mum leans forward and says: "Excuse me? Hi, could you turn your phone off please? It's really bright and right in our eyes." Fair, yes? There's a whole advert asking you to refrain from using your phone during the film, because it's disturbing. That advert happened about three minutes before this event occurred. Lad 2 turns around and snaps: "In ten minutes." ???? Ten minutes is the main exposition of the film. You'll miss a shitload of plot and I'll have to try and watch it while your screen is flickering away?? Nah. My mother retorts, "No, now please." (Teacher voice: activate). The film is starting, the actors are looking dramatically into the middle distance. Instead of watching the film, Lad 1 starts to join to defend Lad 2, whose ego is clearly bruised after being called out by an adult, and starts huffing and puffing generalised 'yeah what are you gonna do hahahaha,' and they are quickly accompanied by Lad 3 telling my mother not to start on them, as he puffs up to look hard as nails. So my dad just says "Don't start," because ya know he's gonna defend his wife, and it's all getting very annoying. My mum correctly points out that they can be removed from the theatre for disturbing other cinema-goers, and they laugh at this. I tell Lad 2 he can tell his insta-fans about the film later, let's just watch it. Tbh I'm probably not the nicest person for that but a literal teenage boy was trying to give lip to a couple of strangers for being asked to be more considerate, and the most fun way to jab at someone after that is to be patronising as shit. I'm from the posher end of Oxfordshire, I can be patronising. The film continues and the Lad collective settles down, and I think: yay! Time to enjoy the film. Wrong! Ten minutes later Lad 1 whips his own phone out, to send a text. I honestly don't understand how it could be impossible to go to a movie theatre and leave your phone undisturbed for a relatively short period of time. Seriously - ten minutes??? I've had farts last longer. Anyway, after the text, which he angled away so my mum couldn't see - but I could - he proceeds to stare at my mother. Lad 2 joins staring at my mother. They're smirking and staring, as if waiting for something to happen. I am directly behind them and tell them not to stare. I'll smugly admit they jump a bit, as they didn't realise I was looking at them, and I may have spat it a little meanly, but fuck it, they were rude and childish, and waiting to be called out on. It's weird to think you'd need to tell someone not to smirk and stare at people, were they never taught it was rude as hell? They proceed to whine: "We just want to watch the movie!" "Then turn around and watch it." Imagine being thick enough to prod and poke to try and start a little drama, and then get upset when someone calls you out on it? Bless. The film goes on, and Lad 3 huffs and puffs every now and then, at first I assumed he was attempting to seem tough and strong in front of the other Lads, but I was corrected later. He was vaping away. In a cinema. Charming. I continue to watch the film, and see little blond plastered heads bobbing away, chatting to each other, leaning close to whisper for a solid twenty minutes. You just wanted to watch the movie? With audio commentary maybe?? By the time we're hitting about the 40 minute mark of the film, I've noticed the solid gel-brick head of Lad 2 twisting around as far as his scrawny neck will take him to stare at me. I am not editing the truth to make myself the hero of a story, I was literally sitting, trying to watch Mark Rylance's beautiful acting. I couldn't have been doing anything to bother the row in front, because of the peripheral vision I mentioned earlier. Regardless, Lad 2 turns around to watch me no less than four times. Why? Are you struck by my ethereal beauty? Fat chance. Can you hear me breathing and is it somehow annoying? Nope. Are you a little shit? Yep. This continues and it's beyond creepy. Like, let it go, little boy. We've hit 45 minutes, it's starting to get really good. This film is intense as hell and I'd highly recommend it. Out of nowhere, I get the eeriest feeling. I already know what it's going to be. I look down and there they are; Tweedle-Fucking-Dee and Tweedle-Fucking-Dumb. They have both craned their necks around as far as they can to look up directly at me. I feel like an acorn that's been spotted by two competing wannabe-alpha squirrels. Squirrels don't even have alphas, so that says a lot, really. By the way - this is REALLY FUCKING CREEPY. What business do you have staring at a random girl??? Is this how you think you get them to like you? It's not. It's predatory and beyond gross. You literally disgust and repel me. I look down at them, they look up at me. Lad 2 smiles, as if he's somehow accomplished something. Then again, he's blessed with my attention, so he should feel lucky (sarcasm). I lean forward, I smile, and very sweetly say "I'm sorry, I thought you said you wanted to watch the film?" Lad 1 sits back and huffs, while Lad 2 has a brain fart. I don't think he managed to comprehend what was going on. He started wildly gesticulating, furiously whispering random babbled words that didn't really made sense. Something along the lines of: "Oh my god!!!! Why are you would you stop this is so I can't believe-" Poor kid can't even pull together a single sentence. No wonder staring was the only weapon in his arsenal. Gormless shit. Again, I find myself wondering: Why would you attempt to start a drama or pick a fight, and then act so surprised and offended when you are called out on it? I don't know, maybe they haven't been taught about cause and effect in school yet. Anyway, while Lad 2 is having his tantrum, Lad 3 gets all guffaw-y, and my dad just gets out and leaves. Lad 3 stands up, and follows shortly after. He is puffed up like an overweight pigeon that's holding in as much vape-shit as possible to attempt to seem big. The next part I wasn't privy to, but my dad filled me in after the film. According to dad, Lad 3 walks straight up to the manager and goes off on one. He claims my dad is picking on 14 year old boys, that he's disturbing him, that he wants his money back, swearing and raising his voice, blah blah blah. The manager stays quiet, as does my father. At the end of Lad 3's tirade, the manager appears confused. She says: "I thought you said they were 15?" OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Honestly I lost my shit when my dad told me that. Apparently Lad 3 shat himself, and the manager followed procedure. From my viewpoint, Lads 1 and 2 left their seats and never returned. The rest of the film passed by in a breeze of clever cinematography and wonderful acting. On coming out of the cinema, my dad went over to the manager who had taken over from the previous manager, and thanked her for how they dealt with it. The lovely manager then said she was sorry for the disturbance, and offered us free cinema tickets to use. Brilliant. Some may read this and think: 'Hannah this is so mean?' But you know what? If a couple of teenage boys are going to try and act all tough, high and mighty, and think they're really clever, they deserve to face consequences. They thought they were so big, so hard, and we very pettily ruined their Sunday afternoon. My favourite little kick to the teeth for this story is: they facetimed a mate to announce they were watching the film, they texted to announce they were watching the film, they posted on their instagram to announce they were watching the film, and they even forked out more money for the expensive, fancy VIP chairs to sit in to watch the film, and they didn't get to watch the film. This was because they were removed for behaviour that goes against policy - which is clearly stated right before the film starts. Got no one to blame but themselves. I wonder how this afternoon will be twisted, maybe they'll go home to mum and cry that a mean lady was sarcastic to them, and they were wrongly pulled out of a film because a mean old man made up terrible lies about her darling children. Ha. My question is - why? Why do teenage boys like to prove themselves? Why must they show everyone how big their dick is? Why do they feel the need to tell everyone how tough they are - that they could take on the world if they wanted to? I'll tell you why, because they're victims to toxic masculinity. What's that, you say? It's a set of societal conventions that show men are only tough, strong, with washboard abs. They never cry, because emotions are weak and they must punch their way through their sadness. It's the alpha-beta complex that so many men and boys fall for as they learn what a 'real man' is through the media. That's right, boys, not only are you pricks, you're daft enough to fall for mainstream media tricks. I feel sorry for you pricks. Until you carve that chip out of your shoulder, you'll forever live a half life, restricted and you may never feel truly happy and free. You poor, poor things. This is my message to all lads everywhere, or boys/men with the aspirations to be 'one of the lads.' You don't need to be rude and inappropriate to prove how cool you are. You may think you're hard as nails and beyond cool, but you'll likely end up embarrassing yourselves, or being kicked out of a cinema. Trust me, no one thinks that you being a twat is cool. Leave picking fights to the schoolyard, not the real world. Ironically, this happened during the showing of a film that actually defies a lot of tropes that toxic masculinity requires. There are no big, manly heroes, and they never refuse to show their emotions. Dunkirk is a new kind of war film, that acknowledges that you don't need to be the hero to be a compelling character in a story, you don't need to take unnecessary risks to show that you're a real man, and it's okay to be afraid, it's okay to be upset, because to feel is to be human. With the likes of Batman V Superman, Wonder Woman, and Spider-Man: Homecoming, Hollywood cinema is slowly turning around to remove the traits of toxic masculinity from their stories. Of course, this isn't an excuse to the Lad collective, they're still awful. Maybe as films show more realistic expectations for men - as they are currently doing for women - the next generations to come will be kinder, and less likely to huff and puff to try and show the world what big boys they are. I'm petty. I'm not sorry.

[thedisney50-blog]

12. Cinderella (1950)

Half the reason to do this blog was to allow me to see every Disney Animated Classic. Much to my discredit I have never seen Cinderella. Mainly because it always struck me as dull. Plus the Cinderella story is one of the 7 basic story archetypes; we ALL know it in various forms. Rags to riches. So, was my scorn well founded? Or is this a hidden gem?

So what’s the plot Liam? Well Cindy had a loving father who was widowed. He remarried an evil bitch and then promptly died. Cindy spent the rest of her life in indentured servitude to evil stepmother (you’re not my real mom!) and two ugly step sisters. Castle has a shindig, magical lady appears, dress and shoes provided, glass slipper, whole nine yards. Marries Prince. End. In a nutshell: A foot fetishist’s wet dream.

The film opens with another live action book opening (sploosh). I assumed that boded well. And then we get a voice over: “Cinderella was abused, humiliated, and finally forced to become a servant in her own house”. Now I was expecting this to go down a very dodgy low budget porn route. “I’ve come to fix your spinning wheel”. Alas no, it was not to be. Instead it was an interminably dull 74 minutes. Make it stop! Kill it with fire! Dull to the nth degree. Generally average animations, a few “songs” that made my insides solidify, pointless subplots and a general sense of ennui a la fin-de-siecle. C’est fin. Well, not quite.

I usually talk about the animation quality in these things so I can pretend there’s something vaguely valid about my criticism. The animation is OK I suppose. Some nice rotoscoping in places, and some pretty nice bits of design. And the “So This Is Love?” dancing sequence in the garden is rather nifty to be fair. But other sections look like they belong on the editing room floor. It’s certainly not as stylised or as interesting as stuff that would come in the same decade (Sleeping Beauty or Lady & The Tramp), and suffers from a general lack of imagination. Very little of the exquisite, luscious detail I expect. Erm.. yeah that’s about the best I can say for it. Check out the dancing sequence for the best it has to offer:

The music in the piece is a huge let down. Not only do we get dull ballads with no sense of fun or frivolity, but we also get the start of the “chipmunk” phase kicking in hard. The mice, as with all Disney mice, are the worst. Not only do they grate on the old auditory nerves, but their subplot is tedium personified. I do not give a single fuck about mice and cats locked in the eternal Darwinian struggle. Think a shit Tom & Jerry without the racist overtones. I’m so over anthropomorphised rodents. Also while we’re talking about the mice, Cindy has a very 1950s attitude towards ensuring they’re appropriately dressed in gendered clothing. SHE ASSUMES THEIR GENDER!

Also while we’re on the mice; Cindy is a bitch! She and the mice live in the attic. She serves them breakfast, but insists they scale down three stories in the house to get fed. Given the height of the ceilings, the average height of humans, and the average height of mice, a quick bit of maths informs me the heartless bitch made them climb down the equivalent of a human being scaling down 12% of the Burj Khalifa. 99.8 metres! Cold hearted woman (yes I actually did the maths).

Let’s talk characters. Cindy is suitably irrelevant. As is the Prince (literally takes him 54 minutes before he says a single word). The sisters are also beige. The only characters with any real depth are the Evil Stepmother. She looks like Kathleen Turner would look as a brothel madam in the Wild West 150 years ago. She’s also voiced by Eleanor Audley, the same lady that voiced Maleficent in Sleeping Beauty, and induced severe Proustian terror in my bones. Other characters of note are the cat Lucifer (subtle name), which only reinforced my hatred of cats as something evil and unholy; a mouse called Gus who was actually kinda cute (totally my type, chunky and dim, just how I like my boyfriends), a noble hound named Bruno I rather enjoyed, and a series of bluebirds that all wore headscarfs. I don’t know if they were religiously observant bluebirds or simply fashion conscious, but they (and Cindy by extension) must be riddled with disease! It’s a miracle she wasn’t quarantined.

Before I delve into my main issues with this film, let’s talk a few random points:

Cindy’s room looks like something from a hipster’s tumblr. Spartan with beautiful antique furniture and a view to die for.

The opening track sounds like a direct rip off of Funny Face. Half expected Fred Astaire to come bounding in wearing Ginger Rogers like a boxing glove.

Nice to see SJP got a short cameo.

The ugly sisters sing about as well as I do.

Why is Tweedle Dum a messenger for the king?! Seriously. Same character.

Is Cindy running a rodent sweatshop in the attic? I think so. Primark are all over that shit.

Why are the only people of colour the palace guards? This thing is a white wash.

The film is full of random assumptions. The king assumes the Prince hasn’t found a woman he loves yet because he’s picky (he’s probably gay, mate). Cindy assumes the gender of mice. Disney assumes I want to sit through this. Assumptions EVERYWHERE.

Nice to see Sarah Jessica Parker getting work again. Also, what is that goose doing?

So, with that I should raise two final points. Firstly, who is this random magical bint!? She appears out of nowhere with barely an explanation. Where was she for the past decade when poor Cindy was in indentured servitude?! “Oh don’t worry! Here’s a pumpkin and a dress a drag queen wouldn’t be seen dead in!”. Also: serious bingo wings. However, her fashion choices aren’t the most important aspect. The most important thing is my second point: feet! What the fuck is it with this movie and feet?! Cinderella ain’t got any toes!

Bitch got no toes!!!!

Seriously look at it! She has weird dolphin feet. Just flippers. What the fuck?! And with that being said, why do the shoes not disappear? Everything else disappears or returns to it’s normal form at the stroke of midnight. But the shoes somehow miraculously stay. The Prince then descends on the town looking for his wife to be with no idea what her face looks like, just the fact she had nice shoes on. “I didn’t bother to look at your face, I don’t look at faces, I just dig your feet”. It seems the Prince has a thing for those little piggies. Plus, he’s clearly just a narrative device to fulfil Cindy’s veracious sexual appetite.

Who makes a shoe out of glass?! REALLY!? GLASS!! Health and safety department on line 1. These GLASS shoes also take one hell of a beating and fit no one. It appears as well as having fused toes, Cindy also has microscopically small feet that no one else can fit into. GLASS SHOES! And they don’t even shatter when a million desperate ladies are trying to cram their cankles into this weird sci-fi crystal stiletto. But apparently drop them and they explode into a million shards with the slightest percussion. No. Sorry. Not buying. GLASS. SHOES.

So would I recommend visiting Cinderella’s chateau? Nope. Don’t bother. A waste of your rods and cones. Unless you dig feet, in which case get in the fucking bin. There’s very little to recommend it as a film. And even less so as a story. It’s played out and we all know it. It’s not in anyway improved by singing rodents, lice ridden bluebirds, a foot fetishist, GLASS SHOES, and Kathleen Turner charging by the hour. This pied-á-terre is not worth a visit… Yes that was another foot pun.

3/10 poor animation, feet, health and safety, not porn, dull music, mice, animals, a little bit racist, feet, and feet again.