#so as you can see i need therapy but that's a whole nother issue

[blossyossyossy]

aw hell yeah, adulting

[my-castles-crumbling]

Hi Cas! I just had a question about gender identity, and I really don't know who to turn to and you give great advice and knowledge, but please don't feel pressured to respond

So... with gender dysphoria... I thought it was just something that like came and went, if that makes sense? Like in periods; sorta like how depression episodes are bad some days but fine other days? Sorry I'm probably not describing this properly and that was probably a bad comparison 😂 but now I find out that it's like... a diagnosis? But I thought it was just something you could.. get occasionally. But are you supposed to feel it all the time for it to actually be gender dysphoria??? Aaargh

And is it okay to experience what I presume is gender dysphoria when you're... not trans? Bc I'm a girl, was born a girl, but sometimes (especially late at night, welp) I just hate my body, hate being referred to as a girl, hate having long hair and just wish upon all things that I was born a guy, seen as a guy. But then other days I'll be completely fine with being a girl? So I don't think I'm trans, but then why do I hate being a girl so much sometimes 😭 and I know there's other identities, but I've never really thought 'oh hey this sounds like me!' (And besides it's not really worth trying bc none of my family and friends will every recognise identities outside of the binary. Yay. It's just better for me to suffer through being a girl atp, they'll only ever see me as their 'daughter who thinks she's a boy, enby etc.')

I'm just kinda scared to ask my friends if they feel like this cos I'm not really close to anybody and theyd probably just think I'm weird and avoid me, and I'm not sure if I'm just making it up, yk? Like because there's so much stuff online about new identities and stuff I'm just being 'dragged in' (at least, that's what my mum thinks/will think 🙄, same with my ✨️mental health issues✨️, but that's a whole nother issue lol)

Anyway sorry for the half-rant, I hope you have a fantastic day! 😊

And don't forget about the game...

Hi love!

Okay so the thing with dysphoria is it differs for everyone. So I can share my experience with it, and what I know about others, but I'm not a professional, and I can't speak for everyone. Just keep that in mind.

From what I know- yes, most people feel it in waves. Some days are worse than others and things can set it off. It's not a constant same-level feeling.

But it can also be diagnosed. It can be diagnosed for the same reason other things are diagnosed- some people want a name for the feeling, some people need it diagnosed to seek out treatment (hormone therapy) or for a host of other reasons.

Yes, yes can experience dysphoria when you're not trans. For example, if a cis man put on a dress, fake breasts, and a long wig, he might feel dysphoric. Maybe not, though. Not all trans people feel dysphoric, either.

But what you're describing- sometimes wishing you were born as a guy? That might be something to explore. I know you're afraid to talk to people irl about it and that's okay, but it could be helpful to just do some research about being outside the binary. Only if you want to, though. If you don't want to, that's completely your decision, and no pressure at all <3 You also don't have to identify any particular way, you know? it's all about what's comfortable for you.

Naming you star anon!

[zingthesnek]

Aight since I got called a pussy by @vesselofwhiteboychad and her wife @gojocaninfinitymyass imma rant

about the dreaded webtoon lmao

(don't take this too srsly I'm too lazy to put much thought and effort into this post)

Okay so LO (lor3 Olympus)

It's honestly not that good, at all. I'm not going to say it's bad, but people glamorize the living crap outta it.

Basic plot summary: Persephone is a young adult out to see the world romance with hades yadda yadda fucked up shit happens yadda yadda. That's kind it. it's romance waddya expect something deep?

Listen I have a couple issues with LO. That mainly stem from the way ppl act like it's this great feminist love story it's not. Like it handles issues better than most cheesy romance stories, but key word being "better" not the best.

LO "promotes body positivity", literally Persephone has an hour glass figure and is petite. Very Marilyn Monroe, nothing wrong with that, but to pretend that it isn't the ideal body type for women is an understatement. She has some stretch marks and a slight belly, I'll give some props for that.

LO "handles abuse and trauma well". I'm not going to disagree with this point, it handles it well but the usage of trauma is just to make other characters look better in comparison. Like hades isn't exactly a stand up guy, he's better but the author had to make other men completely shit human beings to make him look good.

LO "is shows male abuse" again the author did the same thing but reversed it in order to make Persephone look like an amazing wonderful person UwU bean. She added minthe another shitty character. Hades abuse is still barely covered, Persephone might be getting help for her issues hades went to 1 therapy session and hasn't worked out his trauma at all.

LO falls into the traditional traps of literally any other romance shitty ex girlfriend, and creepy asshole. Like if you take away the fact it's "Greek mythology" it's just another garbage romance. Listen I love garbage romances I watch vampire diaries for ducks sake, the only thing that annoys me is the whole "it's super feminist uwu", cuz it's not.

It's a pseudo woke webtoon they added 1 lesbian couple for shits and giggles and 1 overweight character (in the background)

Listen LO is a webtoon that has the author's ddlg kink written all over it. (Yes she has a ddlg kink ask anyone who subs to her Patreon). Not to kinkshame anyone, but once you no that you can clearly see it in the story

Now I can't write romance for shit, but most of Persephone and hades interactions are them lusting after eachother, him buying her things, or delivering exposition. They occasionally talk trauma and set up boundaries, (which is good) but they don't have anything that makes me think they'll actually get along besides the fact they think the other one is hot.

Now the age gap thing is one of those things I gotta tip toe on, cuz people pull the "she's an adult yada yada".

It's not so much the fact that's she's "legal" it's the fact the webtoon gives her zero agency, she doesn't buy her own clothes, study what she wants, literally she has no desires outside of wanting freedom from her mother and lusting after hades. No goals career or aspirations. Nothing, ppl also like to go "she's a strong women uwu" she falls into the "the author didn't actually know what a strong female character is so they gave her some form of super power". Strong female characters aren't always physically strong, a strong female character is a female character who can stand on their own (without other characters) and you understand their wants, personality. The can be feminine and soft take wakana from utena or anthy himemiya they are strong female characters but aren't physically strong.

Persephone going apeshit on a bunch of villagers isn't queen shit it's a scapegoat because the author couldn't give Persephone actual motivation.

Hades is a whole nother bundle, dudes just kinda there? His main goal is a happy loving life (totally fair) but outside of his romance with Persephone he isn't doing much to do that. I won't get on the whole "he's creepy for lusting after a 19 year old" topic cuz that's a bag of worms that I agree and disagree with. Point is hades isn't the healthiest dude and has a lot to work through, he can still pursue Persephone but it would be nice to see him working through his stuff as well.

Now this is a tidbit that annoys the shit outta me so imma just put a big TW for RAPE and Virginity.

Okay so TGOEM or the concept of eternal maiden hood. First of of I hate the way virginity is used in this webtoon.

Like it's fucked up to say rape "counts". Persephone was raped so she according to the author isn't a virgin.

Again this is just a me thing, but rape shouldn't fucking count. It's not a "sexual experience" it's an act of violence. Yes it's sexual violence, but it's not and shouldn't count as your first time ever. A lot of women I know who's "first time" was rape are forever scared by it. And I personally would love it if popular media would stop portraying it as such.

It's fucked up, and the concept of eternal maidenhood isn't something that needed to be in the story. And the fact no one reached out to Persephone to explain this awful.

Yeah maybe nitpicky on my part but idc

Another thing I have no issue with the age gap per say, LO isn't for kids so my issue is mainly that the platform itself markets it towards a younger demographic and had 0 ratings. It will likely also be tV 14 when it comes out, which will also annoy me at least make it NC 17 or TV MA, but only time will tell

But listen LO is summary is a trashy romance with slightly better handling of abuse and trauma. Don't expect this grand masterpiece. I read it cuz I like trashy romance.

LO fans don't even @ me I'll block you on sight

[theanxiousstudentblog]

What I've learned from the first year of university: the good, the bad, and the ugly.

Three years later than expected, I finished my first year of university. At first, admittedly, it didn't feel like much; I submitted my final assignment, logged off of my student account, and went to watch the new series of The Real Housewives. It wasn't until a few weeks had passed that I was finally hit with how much this milestone meant to me and all the emotions that came with finally getting through the first academic year as a university student. This may not seem like a big achievement to some (I remember how in sixth form we were always made to believe that the first year of university was a piece of cake and way easier than A-levels) but, for me, it has been a rollercoaster ride of ups and downs. These emotions and thoughts are what have inspired me to write this post, specifically the feeling that university can be very very different from what you expect.

How I got here.

When I was younger, one of my sole dreams was to go to university. This may have seemed odd to some as I suffered from extreme anxiety when I was younger and actually refused to go to school between the ages of 7 and 9. However, it was never the academic side of schooling that worried me but the social side and being away from my family. I loved learning and I knew that I wanted to take my academic career to the highest possible level I could. The idea that I could pick any subject that I was interested in and do a whole course solely centered on teaching me as much as I could absorb was infatuating to me. It was for this reason that I spent so much effort making sure that I achieved good grades, despite my time off. I had my sights set on a prestigious university in London and in 2018 I received an offer to study there. However, instead of feeling excited about my future, I was engulfed with a feeling of dread. Unfortunately, due to events in my private life, my anxiety which had previously been kept under control by CBT and medication began to skyrocket. I would later learn that I developed complex PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) during this time. For the sake of keeping this blog post to a somewhat reasonable length, I will keep this account brief by saying that these difficulties eventually led to me pulling out of the London university and I decided to go to a local uni closer to home after taking a year off for my mental health (for a more detailed account you can look at one of my previous IG posts published 24/05/20).

Expectations vs...

I was excited for what awaited me at my local university; it was close enough to see my family whenever I wanted but still gave me the independence that I felt I needed to grow. Moving day came and went and it seemed to be going pretty smoothly, albeit some hiccups that came with my anxiety. It is important to note that I gave the university's wellbeing service a heads-up about my conditions before moving in so, at first, I felt confident that if I had any issues they would be able to work through them with me. However, over the next couple of weeks, my anxiety grew and grew, finally reaching its peak when my housemate turned around to me and told me that I needed to shut it about my mental health issues and stop hanging out with her. This triggered a major episode in my PTSD and I suddenly felt like I was spiraling out of control. However, despite my attendance beginning to drop and the multiple times I was having to leave lectures early due to panic attacks, I still sustained a level of confidence that my university would be able to give me the reasonable adjustments that the wellbeing team had spoken to me about before starting the term. Sure, they hadn't got back to my emails with any tangible support in weeks, but they couldn't just leave me like this...could they? All throughout my schooling, I was made to believe that educational settings were environments where any appetite to learn was nurtured and fed; education meant an opportunity to achieve anything you worked hard enough for, despite your background, disability, or start in life. Wouldn't universities be the ultimate conceptualization of this meritocracy?

Reality

Unfortunately, this vision would be quickly shattered by the stark reality of my treatment by my head of department and the well-being team. I go into more detail about this treatment in the IG post mentioned previously, but in summary I was given two choices: I get my attendance back to 100% with no support/reasonable adjustments from the university, or I leave/defer until I was "better". There was no comprehension from the uni that this wouldn't have a definable recovery date; I've been dealing with long-term mental illness since I was a child and it is something I've learned to live with alongside the appropriate support. To wait until I was "better" would potentially mean waiting forever. On top of that, I went out of my way to prove to my department that I was keeping up with my work and had achieved top marks on the most recent assignment but little recognition was given to my current grades. From the weeks since I started at university I'd met multiple people who had little passion in their subject or who were just at university because they thought it was what they should do. No hate to these people (I think the pressure young people face to go to university is a whole 'nother issue in itself) but I couldn't help but compare myself to them. The university didn't care that they had a whole student population of disillusioned young people who were indifferent to their academic fields but drew the line at a motivated student who suffered from mental illness. It became clear this wasn't an environment for people like me who were simply viewed as a wrench in the works. In December 2019, I was given no other option but to drop out of my university.

Starting again and the lessons I have learned

What was the worst blow to my mental health? Being kicked out because of my mental health...Having to leave university was a massive blow to my self-esteem and I began to catastrophize what that meant for my future. Luckily I had my family for support and my mum pushed me to look into the Open University, an institution based on distance learning. I enrolled part-time for the start of February (unfortunately I had missed the cohort to start full-time) and decided to focus on my therapy. This actually worked out great for me as in 2020 I was diagnosed with PTSD and started EMDR so being a part-time student gave me enough space to process the emotions that came up in my treatment. The Open University has been so helpful in making sure my needs are met and I have been so grateful to finally find an inclusive learning environment. It is definitely not how I planned to be experiencing university and I still do feel some disappointment in not getting the full "student experience" but it has also taught me some valuable lessons and given me a new insight into how far our education system still needs to go. These are the things I have learned:

Education isn't about degrees or academic prestige. Education is about a person's desire to learn, whether that be through books or the sheer act of being. Everyone requires different conditions to which they need to learn and thrive, and unfortunately, many academic institutions tend to expect us all to be cut from the same cloth. Despite this, no one can take away your passion to learn, and as long as you're living, you are learning.

There can be no equality without equity. The truth is people enter schooling from all different backgrounds and circumstances and it is not enough for institutions to treat everyone the same. In terms of mental health, many people are quick to say they recognise that mental illness can be just as debilitating as physical illness however until they put the actions and policies into place to make environments more tolerant and accessible then their words mean nothing. This means taking the time to talk to individual students about what they require and realise that the most important thing that a university can do is create a place where EVERYONE can learn. Schooling creates the foundations on which the future of our society is built and the fact that inclusion is barely making it on the blueprint is scary to me.

COVID has shown that in this digital age, attendance ISN'T everything. If only I could go back to that final meeting with my head of department and tell him that in a few months time everyone's attendance would be at 0%! Seriously though, this is a wake-up call to how simple accessibility can be if you just invest in a good digital learning platform that allows for people who can't attend in person to still be included.

You can be an academic and still put your mental health first. Despite what my first university led me to believe, my time at the OU has shown me that you do not have to sacrifice one over another. In fact, it has shown me that my mental health recovery and student journey can work hand-in-hand, encouraging each other along.

But most importantly...

It has shown me that despite the pressure to make your university years fit into a nice, neat package of fun, good grades, and self-enlightenment, it most likely won't happen like that. That's okay, let it go and keep moving.

[albatris]

hello logan i feel obliged from love to finally ask a burning question about jacob greer: how much therapy does he receive??

this question can be generalized to all atdao, ofc, but you know my feelings for jacob

hello!!!! how's it going?? :D :D

thank you so much for the question, I am literally always waiting to pounce on any opportunity to ramble about jacob ahahaha

so I think I've joked before on this blog about how a potential ATDAO sequel is just "jacob greer goes to therapy".......... there's enough content there for at least a whole 'nother book imo

but anyway anyway yes hmmmm, a good question, ok, alright

short answer....... none for 90% of his life so far, then a lot of it

long answer,

well, he was never in any therapy as a kid because his 'rents didn't really ""believe in"" it......... n like, there was a lot of pressure on jacob growing up to keep up this image of the perfect golden child, n samuel and shauna saw him more as a prized object to be paraded around to make them look good rather than a human person..... so this meant no straying outside the norm, n if you had any negative feelings or resentment or anxiety u better repress that shit RIGHT away

so the rhetoric surrounding mental illness for jacob was very much..... any symptoms you experience will be fixed if you just try harder! and the fact that his parents saw him succeeding at everything that was important to *them* and were like??? you can't possibly be unhappy?? what do you mean?? you're doing fantastic in life??

and unfortunately he internalised all that so he kinda just........ Dealt With Stuff on his own for most of his life because he just always assumed his experiences were Perfectly Normal and he didn't have it "bad enough" to warrant therapy

n like. jacob has absolutely no issue with other people getting therapy. he just thinks, oh, but that's DIFFERENT, they actually NEED it, their problems are real not like mine

as a side note samuel and shauna greer's only motivation for allowing tris and becca into therapy was because they were Difficult and Not Like Jacob, it was not done with the intent of being supportive or out of concern for their wellbeing, it was basically just "we are at our wits end trying to make you normal so maybe this will"

n even then tris only landed in therapy initially cuz he got himself hospitalised and they were like "ma'am psychosis is not caused by the devil your son needs to see a psychiatrist"

anyway. jacob!

so....... he thankfully gets a lot of therapy after the climax of the story is over and done with!! to begin with, it's mostly to try and handle the aftermath of the unreality and all its associated trauma. poor sweet boy's been through a LOT. like, yeah, of course the unreality was fucked up for tris too but jacob spent weeks there terrified and alone and convinced he was dead and in hell the whole time...... lots of fun! yeehaw

n even SANS all the unreality stuff that ensued, dude almost got crushed to death in a car accident which is. hm. a lot

he basically gets out of hospital post-unreality, goes home, and is like. ok. here we are. time to get back to regular life. huh. why is my vision clouding over. why am I hyperventilating. why does my chest feel like it's going to explode. I think I'm having a heart attack

various people around him are like "yeah fam that's a panic attack also you went through something super fucked up and traumatic you should probably do some therapy about it" and he's like "nah"

he has to get over this mental hurdle of how like..... him going to therapy wouldn't be "cheating" (whatever that means) and how you don't have to have a capital M capital I Mental Illness to go to therapy (although he has several)

n after some gentle coaxing from tris and some "dude I love you but you're a dumbass" he agrees to it

and it's great help for coping with post-unreality life! it also opens up the floodgates to 25+ years' worth of trauma that he didn't realise was trauma

so ya, it starts off as mostly centred around his experiences in the unreality and around [redacted other story content I can't reveal due to spoilers], but also opens the door to him finally starting to work through...... a looooot of other stuff

complicated feelings towards his shitty parents, self-worth issues, identity issues, obsessive perfectionism, the ever-present panic that people will abandon him the instant he's not useful, his tendency to land in awful relationships because he's incapable of setting boundaries and can't recognise red flags, the years of stress from trying to protect his siblings from the same treatment his parents gave him, and the usual Growing Up In A Literal Reality-Unraveling Apocalypse

I feel like that's kind of an oof note to end on but, like, he's...... absolutely heading in the right direction? he has a lot to untangle and a lot of work to do and it’s probably not something that’ll ever have a definite End Point, but as with all (story) endings in ATDAO it's kind of just like....... yeah, he's gonna be alright, he's got this

y'know

he does make it to a place in life where he gets some consistent peace and happiness and is surrounded by good people who love him very much

so to answer your question, lots of therapy, finally, at long last, thank god

in conclusion,

*gives jacob greer a gentle kiss on the forehead*

[heir-of-the-chair]

Okay so Simon definitely has a THING about being called a child. From the Cat, from Amelia. This could just be a him thing, but the more I think about it the more I feel like it’s leading somewhere.

So Simon clearly has maybe not abandonment issues, but issues about being left behind in a more general sense. This is just a fact in the show, obviously from The Cat, but we’ve also seen him react very negatively to Grace leaving him out of things of not telling him stuff (like about her number at first, and more importantly Hazel). Grace actually does that a lot in general, isolating herself. That’s what she’s used to, that’s where she feels comfortable, whether she enjoys it or not. Either way, Grace and Simon are obviously very close, but that’s on a very surface level. I’d imagine the leaders of the Apex probably don’t talk to each other about their emotions very much.

So we have two characters who have both been very alone before under very different circumstances and with very different ways of dealing with it. Grace has been put in situations where she’s alone a lot but not necessarily in a bad. I’m pretty sure we know most of Grace’s backstory, yes it sucks to be alone, but private dance lessons aren’t really negative. We know a lot less about Simon, however. We know he cam on the train when he was ten, he was originally traveling with The Cat, then she left him basically to die when a gohm (edit: those are the evil creepy cockroach dogs) attacked or something. Obviously that’s pretty traumatic for a ten year old and that’s a pretty big thing, but we still don’t know WHY HE’S ACTUALLY ON THE TRAIN.

I’d bet that probably has something to do with the reason why he’s on the train. Coming back to the beginning I’d imagine he’s probably been left behind by people before too, particularly his parents. A justification being “he’s just a child” and can’t be included. What the specifics are of this situation I couldn’t tell you, or what may have happened because of it, but I’d imagine it was probably a big thing in his life to get him on the train. That would explain why he seems so passionately angry at the train. Grace and most of the Apex see the train as more or less a playground-adventure-sandbox for them to have fun in (fun, just in this case meaning breaking everything and tormenting the denizens.) But Simon really does seem to HATE the train. And that would make sense if it’s just reinforced what’s made him unhappy again. The therapy train isn’t supposed to add to your trauma. But that’s what happened. The train just added to what he already knew: everyone leaves you behind, and the only one you can count on is yourself. When he meets Grace, and they become friends and from the Apex he’s desperate to hold on to what he had in it and never let any of it go, his ideals, the Apex, and his friend. And now Grace has betrayed him (from his perspective obviously, he’s a very interesting character but he’s still a jerk) for the train and the order of the train that hurt him so much.

I feel like this is gonna be what sparks the confrontation either between the two of them, or Amelia, or whoever. Simon needs to learn that he’s wrong (oh so incredibly wrong) on the stance that the denizens aren’t people obviously, but that he COULD be wrong, and that’s okay, for everyone, and for him. Learning you were wrong doesn’t mean you lose something, change doesn’t mean being left behind, and for god’s sake work through your problems, you’re not gonna die. Simon is scared of change now, he’s scared of being left behind and losing things, his sense of identity and the world, and other people, and they need to TALK about this. He needs to be made aware that he can be wrong, and change is fine because his people WOULDN’T leave him, and he can come along too.

Or maybe will, he has been a completely terrrible person. I wouldn’t be surprised if they did split up for a time but I think that’s the ultimate lesson he needs to learn, so directly or not. I doubt there’s probably gonna be just a verbal confrontation either, Grace isn’t really one to share how she’s feeling about things with others, but that’s a whole nother post. That’s the logical extension of where Simon’s going, and how they get there we can only wait and see.

[cartoonfangirl1218]

I liked your ava post, do you have more aboout usm. The WHOle usm team?

I can’t say I have many many hcs but I’ll give you where I think they might end up after SHIELD, and two songs that fit them if that works. 

Peter: I don't know why but I feel like Peter would want to look for his parents once he leaves SHIELD and while doing so, he ends up in a lot of team ups and building up more of his rogues gallery. Basically I imagine stuff from the comic with spider clones, dating MJ, briefly rejoins the Avengers then leaves. Yeah I don't have much for him since comic history leaves people to choose what they want. Imagine Dragon's Beliver because he does have such a heavy pain inside, but that's the thing, he keeps it inside until he snaps them into his fight for justice. "First things first, I'ma say all the words inside my head. I'm fired up and tired of the way that things have been, The way that things have been.Second thing second, Don't you tell me what you think that I could be. I'm the one at the sail, I'm the master of my sea...Taking my message from the veins. Speaking my lesson from the brain. Seeing the beauty through the pain!"

Danny: I'd like to think that he stays in NY to start Heroes for Hire with Luke as soon as they leave SHIELD. They're bros, and he justifies the absence that New York needs Iron Fist more than K'Lun for the moment. He also tries his hand at getting Rand Industries back on track. I also think he does return to K'Lun eventually as King and mystical head. After his work at Rand Industries, he feels more confident as a leader and is willing to stand up to the monks when it comes with changing some of the old ways. Allowing him to travel back to NY to see his friends while keeping the mystical origins of K'Lun sacred. I think Nature Boy rather fits him, soft and melodious and Danny learning he is not alone sort of. "There was a boy. A very strange enchanted boyThey say he wandered very far..Very far over land and sea. A little shy and sad of eye. But very wise, was he."  Les Miserables’ Who am I mainly because I imagine Danny has some identity issues between feeling worthy of the Iron Fist, feeling torn between the US and K'Lun. Ideally, he would end up learning being one does not give up the other part of himself. As one would say they can coexist in a balance. "Who am I? Can I conceal myself forever more.. Pretend I’m not the man I was before?....How can I ever face my fellow men? How can I ever face myself again?"

Luke: As said above, with Danny, when they leave SHIELD, they create Heroes for Hire, they ride or die forever.  Together they clean up their part of New York and Luke comes to terms with some of his past and the people he dealt with in jail. He also meets Jessica Jones during this time and she becomes his new partner (in more ways than one) when Danny leaves for K'Lun. He sometimes does freelance work for SHIELD, mainly at the behest of his parents, sometimes as a favor to Fury. He also sometimes comes by the Helicarrier to be a surprise mentor to whatever new hero they pick up. He is the main instigator of team reunions.

Adam Levine’s If I got locked away totally fits him after the time he spent in jail and scared of being seen as weak, it really fits him and his insecurities. "If I got locked away And we lost it all today. Tell me honestly, would you still love me the same? If I showed you my flaws. If I couldn't be strong. Tell me honestly, would you still love me the same?" One call away also fits him simply for his caring nature and how he'll do anything for his friends, "I'm only one call away. I'll be there to save the daySuperman got nothing on me. I'm only one call away/ Call me, baby, if you need a friend. I just wanna give you love...No matter where you go, know you're not alone. I'm only one call away."

Ava: I think once Ava leaves SHIElD, she has some trouble with the amulet whether form being on her own, knowing SHIELD isn't there watching her every move or just cockiness that she can handle it now. Either way, I see her as  taking a break from the amulet. Reasoning her father wanted her to keep it safe, it didn't mean she had to put it on and be a hero. Ideally, she goes to therapy to work through all these issues before ever putting it on again. I imagine she goes home to PR too. I think she could go into bounty hunting, it's more freelance, she helps put baddies away and she can put her investigative skills to good use. Eventually she'd be White Tiger again but for more superpowered threats than every day patrolling. Just breathe from In the Heights not only for the spanish influences but also the utter fear of returning a failure, "Straighten the spine. Smile for the neighbors. Everything's fine, everything's cool. The standard reply: Lots of tests, lots of papers. Smile, wave goodbye and pray to the sky, "Oh God!" And what will my parents say? Can I go in there and say, "I know I'm letting you down..."  Alyssa Greene from The Prom. The lyrics speak for themselves of the utter perfectionism and drive, "The hair has to be perfect. The As have to be straight...Trophies have to be first place. Ribbons have to be blue. There's always some competition or hoops for jumping through. Just have everything perfected by the time you reach eighteen" 

Sam: Admittedly I don't know much about Nova lore or backstory as the others but I think he'll go back to space. Not necessarily as part of the Guardians because honestly I think they had enough members without him. Maybe as a solo act before he finds the other Nova Corps. I definitely see him as becoming a trainer there, finally being the leader he always wanted to be. I also want him to reconnect with his family so he does travel back to Earth to visit them and then swoops by NY for some reunion with his old team before heading back to space. 

Bieber’s Lonely fits Sam because at the heart of it all, I think that's what he is. Lonely, he's still young and trying to navigate these powers and his place in the world and space and what his identity is. And no one else can quite get that. "Everybody knows my name now. But somethin' 'bout it still feels strangeLike lookin' in a mirror, tryna steady yourself and seein' somebody else. And everything is not the same now. It feels like all our lives have changed Maybe when I'm older, it'll all calm down. But it's killin' me now. What if you had it all, nut nobody to call? Maybe then you'd know me 'cause I've had everything. But no one's listening and that's just f- lonely." Shawn Mendes' Wonder works for similar reasons. Mainly I imagine him singing it to his missing father who inherited so much but knows nothing personally about him, "I wonder why I'm so afraid of saying something wrong, I never said I was a saint. I wonder, when I cry into my hands. I'm conditioned to feel like it makes me less of a man and I wonder if someday you'll be by my side and tell me that the world will end up alright. I wonder..I wonder."  And then a party song for each 

Sam: All I do is win by DJ Khaled "All I do is win, win, win no matter what. Got money on my mind, I can never get enough ('Nough) And every time I step up in the building Everybody hands go up And they stay there And they stay there, up, down, up, down, up, down 'Cause all I do is win (Win), win (Win), win And if you going in put your hands in the air, make 'em stay there" 

Luke: Finesse by Bruno Mars, "We out here drippin' in finesseIt don't make no sense Out here drippin' in finesse You know it, you know it We out here drippin' in finesse It don't make no sense Out here drippin' in finesse You know it, you know it" 

Peter: Another one bites the dust by Queen "nother one bites the dustAnother one bites the dust And another one gone and another one gone Another one bites the dust Hey I'm gonna get you too Another one bites the dust"

Danny: Normally, I don't think Danny would be into party music, too much cursing, too much noise to distort the mind, that stuff. But Rihanna is catchy. "I wanna take you away, let's escape into the music, DJ, let it playI just can't refuse it, like the way you do this Keep on rockin' to it Please don't stop the, please don't stop the music I wanna take you away, let's escape into the music, DJ, let it play I just can't refuse it, like the way you do this Keep on rockin' to it Please don't stop the, please don't stop the, please don't stop the music" 

Ava: Woman by Ke$ha "I'm a motherfucking woman, baby, alright I don't need a man to be holding me too tight I'm a motherfucking woman, baby, that's right I'm just having fun with my ladies here tonight I'm a motherfucker"  This other cool blog is much more into USM and has tons of hcs if you want more of this stuff, @im-rewriting-ultimate-spider-man

[peachy-inserts]

bkg anon back for more. i have so many thoughts on mitsuki. im not writing this out beforehand so forgive me for errors/repetition. pretty sure we touched on her problems in the last analysis post but like.. man. she really blamed katsuki for getting kidnapped and causing trouble? she really is so emotionally closed off to him? he deserves so much better and i know the mangas going to go in the direction of his issues magically disappearing without therapy. 1/2

i understand hes going to go through more pain, losing to izuku, etc, but i really would like to see the issue with his parents at least spoken of? if not getting help for his mental health. masaru is a whole 'nother discussion but it bugs me that he's the mediator and he doesnt acknowledge how his wife treated bakugou in the one scene. i understand people see her "love" for him, but that doesnt mean she doesnt treat him horribly. sorry im just stuck on that bakugou fam scene haha. 2/2

omg bakugou anon, the love of my life, im so sorry i let this get buried under matchup requests :(

i totally agree, and its really not at all far fetched to consider that mitsuki and the way hes parented (mainly being made to feel ashamed of his faults and being disciplined without reasonable explanation/things that you just use common sense to recognize you just shouldnt punish kids for) is really the root of his emotional turbulence. masaru doesnt do much to step in from what weve seen and can assume and just stands back to let things take their course as if its not his business 

bakugou really needs and deserves for a parental figure to show him real compassion and listen to him for once and let him know its ok to stumble and that some things hes been blamed for arent actually his fault

[smoljoelito]

piece by piece || joel pimentel

word count: 2,411

request/requested by: anon || possible request: the reader's not very good at communicating and having troubles to open up, with Chris or Joel A/N: I took this story to a whole nother level since I’ve been wanting to write something like this for a while. Let me know if you want me to write something different.

description: You’ve been keeping a huge secret from Joel from far too long.

warnings: fluff, language, but also TRIGGER WARNING FOR ANYONE THAT HAS BEEN ABUSED WHETHER ITS SEXUAL, EMOTIONAL, VERBAL, OR PHYSICAL ABUSE BE CAREFUL.

masterlist

tags: @quierick @mepuserojito @ericks-mala-actitud@woowoodaaboo @ella-se-vuelve-loca @joelsaww @honeyzhong @sarswilltakeyouout @pimentelssmile @hardtoadore @whippedforcnco @notsoteenagegirl@richukisbb @besosdecnco  

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Piece by piece, day by day, stone by stone. 

This is all Joel has been repeating in his head since he started a relationship with you. You’ve always been incredibly private, harboring hidden things from your past behind walls you’ve built, which Joel doesn’t mind. It isn’t his business, and he knows it, he just wishes you’d actually tell him and trust him enough to let him in fully. 

While being a closed book, you’re also incredibly bold and brave to Joel. As soon as you started your relationship, you let him know exactly what kind of person you were and what he was getting himself into. You told him it was hard for you to let people in, yet you also said for some reason, telling things to Joel was much easier than anyone you’ve ever met before him and you would tell him things as you went along. You told him your trust has to be earned, yet you also said he’s earning it as we speak. And you also told him he has to be patient with you, yet you said he was the most gentle man you’ve ever met, and you already know it won’t be an issue. 

Before you said all these things though, Joel already knew them. It was as if he could sense exactly what you needed at any moment, whether it be a specific reaction or touching/ not touching, he knows. It comes as easily as performing for him. 

You kept true to your word, letting him in and allowing him to chip at your walls, piece by piece, day by day, stone by stone. As much as you tell him about your past, there are plot holes as if it were a movie. He knows you’re keeping something big from him, something that would thread all the stories together and make a tapestry, so he could see all your memories and have them make sense. 

The only thing right now that makes sense is how much he adores you. You’ve been together merely six months and he literally cannot imagine his life without you, and if he tries, his heart physically hurts in his chest. Little does he know, you feel the same exact way.

Keeping everything from him physically hurts you. Every time you curve the answer to one of his questions, it’s like your heart gets a kink in it, but every time you decide today is going to be the day you tell him everything, your gut gets a kink in it, to the point where you’ve actually thrown up before he’s come over. He knows you’re very broken, and he’s made it his duty to try and fix you, but you won’t let him. Fixing one person, putting all your time and energy into them, leaves you being the broken one in the end, and you love him too much to allow him to give himself up for you in that way.

As soon as you realized you loved him, you decided you needed to fix yourself for him before there were two broken members in the relationship, not just one. It wasn’t fair to him to have to carry your baggage when you were willing and able. So, you went to therapy, and you haven’t told him yet since you don’t want him to get offended that you’re talking to a therapist and not him. Within the first two weeks of visits, after a lot of vomiting and migraines before the visits, your therapist knew more about you than anyone in your entire life did.

And then, you were able to build yourself back up. Your past made you feel unworthy and undeserving of any form of love and happiness the world had to offer, which came in the form of Joel. This boy makes electricity run through your veins, fireworks dance across your eyelids when you kiss, and your heart leaps whenever he beams at you as if you are the only one in the room. Your first thought when you wake up is of him along with your last when you go to sleep. Whenever something good happens, he’s the first one you call. You see the sun in his smile, hear melodies in his laughter, and see galaxies behind his eyes. Every good thing in the world you correlate to Joel, even small things like finding a penny on the ground since it’s your lucky day, but the real luck you’ve had comes in the form of your boyfriend.

And to make sure he knew that you weren’t leading him on, you were the first one to say I love you. You never admit anything to him willingly, but you wanted him to know he had made so much progress with you, and he really is and was changing you for the better. Your walls are falling, piece by piece, day by day, stone by stone. It shocked him to his core, physically making him tear up. He never thought you'd say the words, much less, be the first to say them. You’ll never know how much it meant to him. He felt fire run through his veins, felt his heart start beating so fast, he thought for a second it might burst out of his rib cage. It made him feel so overjoyed, yet so emotional at the same time that he couldn’t form any words, so he just kissed you and hopefully conveyed all of the fire, the butterflies, and emotions into it before he actually said the words out loud. Little does he know, you got the message.

After three more months of work, your therapist recommended you tell Joel exactly what your past was like, which was a week ago. Now, you’re sitting in his bed, cuddled up under the covers and finishing up the last few minutes of Toy Story 3 in preparation for Toy Story 4, but with everything circulating your mind, you’re hardly focused on the movie.

At this moment, it feels right to tell him, and you’re oddly calm about it. Everything in your body feels settled and at peace with the idea. Now, you’re not afraid he will leave you for it or that he will judge you immensely and shame you, now, you’re both ready for your shit show.

“Joel?” You squeak out, causing him to glance down at you. 

“Yeah?” 

“I have to tell you something.” You can feel everything in Joel’s body physically still as his breath hitches in his throat, causing your heart to break. Before you can hear or feel anything else, you sit up in the bed, leaning up against the headboard. After a moment, he follows you in suit.

As soon as you lifted your head off his chest, his heart started to pound wildly against his ribcage. He knew what you were going to tell him, and he has been ready for it. His support, kindness, and love are ready, you just have to say the words. Piece by piece, day by day, stone by stone, your final wall is falling.

“So... um... to start off I’ve been going to therapy for three months to try to sort all my feelings out. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but I didn’t want you to get offended that I was talking to someone else and not you. It’s not that I didn’t trust you, I needed to sort out my own insecurities that I was bringing into our relationship that didn’t have any business being there. I was afraid once I told you what I’m about to tell you that you’d leave me or shame me for it, but that was my own insecurity talking. Also, I felt undeserving of your love or happiness, but that’s also not true. I’m not your mess to fix, I’m my own mess to fix, and it wouldn’t have been right or healthy for you to take that all on yourself, so I got professional help. I’m sorry for not telling you.” Part of the weight that was on your chest is removed as you meet his eyes, which hold only gentleness, trust, and patience from you, the three things you originally asked for from him, but also love, an unexpected pleasure. To your surprise, he takes your hand, lacing your fingers together.

“You can tell me anything, Y/N. I’m absolutely, totally in love with you. I’m not leaving you anytime soon, or ever. Thank you for being so concerned with me. It really means a lot that you went and sought out professional help so you could keep this relationship healthy. You’re so brave it amazes me sometimes.” Instantly, your face is completely red making Joel giggle, which in turn causes your heart to skip a few beats in your chest. A smile breaks out on your face even in the seriousness of the moment thanks to your cheeky boyfriend as you lean over and smack his leg jokingly.

“Let me tell you!” You beg, causing him to laugh yet again, but then he calms down, still smiling, but nodding at you to go on.

“Okay so, you know how I grew up in an orphanage and in different foster homes? Well... um... some of them weren’t so... nice. Before I found my home when I was fifteen, I went to three different foster homes before that. The first foster home I went too was awful. They only fostered kids for the extra money, not for any other reason, like love or wanting to help. The man there used to starve us when we didn’t behave and tie us to a post in the basement, sometimes for hours or a day, but one time, he left me there for four days, starved and dehydrated with fresh bruises from when he uh... hit me. When I finally came back to school and the teacher saw me, she called CPS right away and all of the kids were sent to their original orphanages, like me, or to other foster homes. 

“The second home I went to just wanted the money too, but they didn’t abuse any of us. In reality, they really didn’t care about any of us, but they weren’t evil and wanted to hurt us. It was just a place to live that wasn’t the orphanage, but soon I got sent to my third foster home. 

“The parents at the third foster home were wonderful, but their own children were not. They had 4 boys, all ranging from ages ten to sixteen. I was fourteen at the time and they would all try and mess with me. When I walked home from school or was at school with them, they’d trip me, slap me, push me, or just verbally abuse me. At night when I was asleep, they’d sneak into my room and try to... touch me. They never were successful, I’d always fight them off, but most of the time, I’d sit up the whole night and wait for my door to crack open since I was absolutely terrified. When I did sleep, it was from exhaustion. I never told my foster parents about it either, since they thought their boys were perfect angels. Later on, though, someone finally wanted to adopt me so I got taken from the shitty house.

“The two homes made me not trust any men in my life. Pretty much besides you and my dad, I thought every man was out to get me. When I first moved into my house, I wouldn’t even look at my dad when I talked to him. It took him almost a year of working with me for me to trust him. My mom earned my trust instantly, we just connected, but I never told either of them about my past foster homes. You’re the first to know. I’m sorry I never told you, I... I just couldn’t.” The tears that you held in the whole speech come pouring out as soon as you finish, leaving you clasping a hand over your mouth as you choke on a sob. Before you can even move to Joel, he’s grabbing your waist and pulling you into his chest, wrapping his arms around you so tight you wonder whether it’s hit grip or your sobs keeping your chest from expanding to let air in. Your arms are wrapped around him just as tightly though, holding onto him for dear life as you let out every last emotion you’ve bottled up for years. He’s your rock, you everything, and there’s still a slight fear that if you loosen your grip just a tad, you’ll lose him. 

Once your sobs quiet down, you can hear another set of sobs coming from Joel causing you to pull your face from his chest. There, you find his sparkly eyes a bit extra sparkly as the excess tears catch the light before they cascade down his face. A hiccup escapes you causing a small smile to break out on his face. Your hands gently clasp his cheeks before you run your thumbs under his eyes to collect the wetness there.

“Why a-are you c-crying?” You stutter out, thanks to the sobbing from before.

“Because people hurt my baby and that hurts me.” His answer makes your chest crack open as a few fresh tears roll down your cheeks. This time, his hands come up, gently holding your face, before running his thumbs underneath your eyes, then falling back down to hold your waist. You can’t help but crack a small grin as you playfully punch him in the shoulder.

“I’m supposed to be the one crying doofus!” You call out causing him to burst out laughing as a few fresh tears roll down his cheeks. Your fingers are there again to quickly catch them before they can make it too far. A sniffle leaves you causing his grip on you to tighten.

“Amor, it means more to me than I can say that you told me all that about your past. I will always be here to support you through anything you need. I swear on my life that I won’t treat you like those men did. The rest of my life I’m going to spend loving and taking care of you so much that you’ll never, ever feel like you were mistreated again. I’m going to marry you one day, nena, you just wait and see.”  

[lostinathoughtonceagain]

Im not sure where to start although i feel like i alwyas start with that.My mom says i seem to be doing  alot better and inn truth i am. I feel more myself and joyous and mre personality, and than theres still an emptiness that creeps in. The sort of weird shame feeling i used to get in mornings or without a shirt on, i got it today after grabbing clothes from my moms. maybe this is just a personal issue but im trying not to isolate myself in my emotions. TI appreicate and find it hard to understand the idea of common humanity. It is true humans all epereince these emotions and it is only to ones disadvantage when we tell ourselves were the only ones who have ever felt these emotions. In truth we are the only ones who experience things given we all have different perspectives, childhoods, personalities, and biology of our brains.. yet i think that an important to try to find the common humanity. empathy, relating to one another. we are more alike than we are different. YOu know when your on the freeway and you wonder where are all these people going. Myabe some are picking up there kids, going to a booty call, stopping to grab bananas at the store, and we wont ever know, everyone is all doing there own thing, eveyone is jsut driving just going to work doing things and im wo dering if anyone else is freaked out about what is happening. Why the hell are we here?n why iseveryone not freaking out with the little time we have, i want to make the most out of what is happeing i dont want to waste any more time not being  where i want to be, i wanted to be skinny so i can go on with my life. But i geuess thats alos the point of life. ive been so worried about living that i havnt actually been living. Im failing at an attempt to handle my shit. I look back on the past and how come i can only think, mostly think of the bad things. The relationships that i shouldve ended sooner cuz i didnt really lvoe them as i thought love would be. THey were all merely a disspointment. That sounds rude but to put it this way i alwyas thought there was something better for me. MY parents used to say at times “its never enough for you katie” maybe that is true. maybe im never satisidef. Maybe it was because they were tired and had tried there best and i failed because my needs wernt meant. not that they were needs. I think back to guys ive hooked up with and wish i had higher standards. why did i find satisfaction in attention from people that didnt even care about me. WHen guys used me and i was glad to let them. Especailly when i had previous ly had crsushes on them. FUCK BOYS WITH J names. i dont know why im writing as if im writing a story. maybe it makes it easier maybeim trying to articulate my thoughts into something there not. I think about things that have happened and hope i can maybe use them as a testimony maybe ill meet the love of my life adn get to share all these stories... but i dont things play out like that and thats a weird perspective to have on things thsat occur. Like as if im a narrator. I would get so ecited to send cute pictures of myself when i was  baby and show my boyfriends, or share things with them but then i realized something. they dont care, well definlty not like me. That ecitement about it is not the same as the one im epereiecning and when i was sent baby pictures of them, i didnt feel that warmth in my heart. maybe that makes me a bitch or emotionally disconnected. but how do i know if im feelin. what connections have i made. I used to want to be under the influence and gina my therapist said that people go to substances to feel connection. When i was on coke, life was beautiful i could talk to anyoe and everyone adn words flowed so well. In my head, looking back i probably looked like a crack head and thats the reality of it. I can manipulate my reality but to what is its value if its a lie. if no one else feels or sees what im seeing. ona  nother thought  i think we can make up these sotries in our heads that arnt even true. like somone tells us something or we feel a certain way about ourself so and it ends upso our whole olives our affected by this painting in our head only to find out no one sees what were seeing. my dad said that we can change the past, welll we can change our past by changing how we look at it. and i think if we could grasp it it would change our lives. I think that i could look back and not feel that shame, or not feel that embarressment. But am i not a sum of all the words thoughts and actions ive done or had uot o this point? thats depressing, but if it were something i was proud of then yes i would like to be. but the truth is all wehave is the now and you can start now being a totally different person, but you cant run away from all the consequences of the past i guess they jsut dont matter if you decide to change. but then what about bridges burned. i guess my plan b ina  sense is to run away to another country. but then theres legal issues and this whole system and ates and bad guys and tso m8uch to worry about that i dont feela  sense of freedom. my information is online and under a sytem and i undertsadn why i just wish everything could be quiet for sa sec. mayeb i dont want to be aktie stowers anymore. I get jealos of girls born and raised pretyy. all ive done is starved myself in the process of becoming what i want to be but thats not even me. if i have to starve to et there then i feel as though i dont actuallyl deserve to be skinny. and i fee l so vain for obsessing over this fucking thought. iw anted to be skinny this is what ive said from the beginging can someoine please help me do it. the probelm is that im in treatment for anoreica sub purge type and the reality is that i cant lose weight withought going to etreme measures. it became the most important thing in my life and ive been strung up on the same thought since fucking march of 2018. talk about time wasted. although i know thats no way of looking at it. ive learned lessons and have ad so many beautiufl things happpen. I get told very kind things about myself. i wonder if im actually a kind person or i only do things simply to be a kind person. if eel kinda selfish but i guess we all are. i mean think about how amny bad things are happening in this world and children starving and here i am buying things i dont need anf focuing on myself. but im not doing anything about it. i mean i try to tip etra give to homless ifi can i just feel guilt because i could be doing more but ijalso know that im not responsibly to save the world. jsut seems wrong the way things are. thats why i believe everyone goes to heaven. maybe because i cant wrap my head around the possily fact that barrett wouldnt and also becasue the idea of eternal damnation dosnt seem like the character of a god i want to serve. i see so much bullshit in the church and i just dont know . am i jsut angry. I became so jdugemntal of those judging me and thats just as worse but when theres almost a cluba nd you dont fit into there critera it fucking hutts. and that dosnt feel liek jesus i think jesus wouldnt let us be seperated by rleigion or if you drank last weekend. I think we should all unite and love each other and thats what reallly matters. yet here i am obsessed over being skinny. im down to 4 hour as of yesterday and i feel so much better i do. i just wish i could have one long 2 day therapy session whre i fucking figure out all my shit. ive gone to so much therapy and its been etremly helpful i jsut dont wanna waste anymore time with this baggage. I dont wanna go a minute longer when i could giure all this out. i guess what im saying is i want my life tp be an open canvas and not be unravveling and my childhood issues poopping up.. i want to go into the fututre knowing what i know adn epeireicning my life as it plays out. but i am 18 ishouldnt be thinking this much into things huh i should just let it be and lvie my life. i should be doung homework an teting my frienfds or going on a date. but thats not ther eality of things and alos i think ill look abck and things will be different. IOm also int reatment rn so oviously my situation is not exactly normal. i really do love to write i used to always want to be an author. but i dont kno0w anymore. i jsut dont really like how the sytem works i hate how we all have to go to college amd study things i dont give a fuck about and then some struggle at there 9-5 to merely surve eand ig uess i dont like the thoughr of that. and i know were suppsoed to find joys in the little things i think things are jsut freaking me out. iw ant to quit smoking nicatine but everyday i go out and do it. ig uess that meanns i dont really want to stop because if i did i would. i  and then i feel slightly guilty and opackiy because his is the only boduy im given. like does that not freak everyone out. this is the only way we are able to eperience life. think about how quickly it can be ended. i think that is too much pwier overmyself. nmot that im suicidal but i do think i hgave the power to find out super son what is after this life. judgment day, pure nothingness, maybe ill become a=one of the many ants i ahev enjoyed killed as a punsihemtn for msyelf. or hoe[fully and maybe ill entire a heaven with a lovuing god. a state of being with loved ones. I think thats why people like the idea of heavn the idea that you will see people later. but that discount the factof pain. when someones child dies they dont feel any less pain because a verse about being reunited with the,. because the truht im scared to tyee is that theres a possibility heaven isnt rela. and the loved one that is lost will never be in your reaach again.i feel sad for how ome peoples lifeves go. i hope they get a chance in the after life to have what they wanted. but then i think abotu abd guys. i wouldnt want them in my heaven. i guess maybe who we all our at our core is who would be in heaven beyond all the nasty. yet i dont believ flesh is nasty and i dont believ trying my whole life to not be something i was made to be. if my flesh is evil adn mankind is doomed what the fuck is that. i dont think god would set us upnto fail and i believ ehe understands we are human. and gpd is god and god knew everything that was going to happen up to npw. u know whats crazy is that on the time line we are on the edge of what is to come. being aluive rn. and its crazy that i wont be here in 100 years. ill be merely history. but rn we are whats happneing 7:12 november 11th. we are up to datebecause we are merely aliver. unless there is different universes and this is m,erely a simulation. but besides the point. barrett was talking about just how many books songs and information there is. that makes me pancik there is so many people so many things i could learn and musici could listen to that no one can listen to it all. maybe theresa song out there that is my favorite son that ill never get to lsiten to but i gues si jsut have to trust that the universe ligns up as it should and my life will happen as it should. and alll these things are happneing and were floating in the middle of space and yet i feel like people arnt freaking out. like what hthe actual fuck is happneing. and why do iu want to soedn my one life doing shit that dosn matter or something i dont even love. but thats how life works because you have to have moneya nd i do love bying things. and i jsut need to relax. because when people look back on there past they think if i could only tell msyelf its going to be okaya nd to have fun. why cant i do taht i mean i can but tehn these thughts come in. iwant to be skinny i also love food. starving was easy and i like d seeing my bones show,. i wanted people to see me and know i was hurting but people dont wanna be sround sa dpeople i guess i just wanted o be rescued. and at the same time it was nice to focus on the thingsd because even if all went ot hell if i restricted enought hat was okay my eating idsorder would tell me that  everything was going to be okay because i was taking care of the one thing i actaully wanted. writing this makes me sound crazy to msyelf. i have so many things i want to larn and do and so having an eating disorder makes me feel limated. amd truly it does limit me. it dosnt allow me to worry and think about these tihngs. i just really want to be skinnya dn i dont know where this started or why its so impiortant but i just am not a fann of my boyd. and i know tis terirble because im more than m y body and i know i cant stave mtyself and i know that this makes me self cenetred i know that it didnt pkay out as the damsel in distress that i wanted i know wthat i pushed loved ones away and made desisions taht really arnt alligned with my values because truly i didnt care i just wanted to get skinny i know i didnt look healthy bu in my mind that s the best ive eever looked. i know that the husband i meet is going to lvoe me for whats beond my appreance so it dosnt matter and getting atention from others isnt satisying and only leaves me feeling empty i knwo lifes to short to count your calories, to walk around feeling fraila nd loung every seconds. to reach 109 and not see a body close to what was at 116. to talk about numbers because they w]makr improtant parts of my life adn to allso swear that i dont care that much about the numbers. i care about the look. but if what they say is true and i ahve body dismprhia thats impossible. they say the eating idpsrder says itll never be enough. it will nevr be satisiuded. “ its never enough katie” never enough

and so maybe its me maybe im just this warped person. why do memories come back so weird and hwy did i have su h weird thoughts a s f\child. why do i get filled with so much rage. somtiems i think im the most grogeous girl and others i want to killmsyelf because i fel worthless. imm not suicdial but i can remeberthe first time i thought about killing kmyself i was in the abck seat of the car my brothers wre all teasing me about soething but for whatecer reason i was upset by it. i remebr crying and thinking how bad thye would feel if i killed myself. i carried this idealation iwht me later on. gina says i used this as a coping skill.w whenevr someone was mean, didnt say the right thing, didnt invite me, or a aprent said something hurtful. o thouhgt about it as if i were a ghost. watching how sad they were that they had not done better with me. that they said those angry words last to me instead of teeling me uhow much they lvoed me. that when they gossiped ghey felt so bad after because i was dead. i sometimes wish i could watch this unfold. but thats demented and evil. my ghost smiling with satifdaction as she watches loved one who id love and people who were simply lvingnthere life be affected by this. what good would it do to me or them. it would ruin them, does thaa amke mf evil. and then i realzie thats not how death wokrs. ill go to  wahtevr is after this.a dm why would i waste my eistence on a disguestingnromantizsm of revenge.  shpuld move on better msyelf and make connections and share with my lovedones hwen theyve hurt me or that i need more love.  i love treamnt. i love the lif3 im having. besids hating my body i love doing art and larning life skills and if eel like pooeple love me for me there and i can really be myself and support others. but i cant live my life in treatment. i want to relapse theres a few pros to this. one i get skinny againa dn can take pcitures while im skinnya dn try to do it a healthier way. 2 i can jsut go back to treatment and 3 thats a big fuck you to insuracne and theyll realize i coudlve used more help. my ancupucture lady said i need to let people help me adn its tru. i can read boooks hae copnversations go toa therapist but what goofd does it do if its not evn sticking with me. if i dont allow it to change me. im so stuck in that i want to be skinny. but im also tired of haojng my body, the thought about being okay iwht my body is sad to. ill jsut be ugly and not care? amd i wont be ablr to beas beautiful as i want to be. the law of attraction streases me out to because what if everytihng im writing is manif3sting as we speak. hut io cant just iugnore all thse thoughts. its good to journl ane write. i smoked the other night and told susan and brooke but lied to my treatment team. but honestly i was anxious the whole time and outside of playing with myself and dougna  trippy spiritaul mediaiton itwasnt the best time. it ,made me realize i enjoy beig sober bcecause i can do lall the things i want to do and not be stupid and i can be mindful. but then i feel a little desperate at the idea of not having anys ubstances. i sjsut need to create a good ralit y formyself. also i just don tfeel like im the little blon girl in my baby photos like me and her arnt \even the same person but i am i am her in 18 year old form. i jsut dont even know who i am or whats happening. iw ant to chilla dn i need to find balance. maybe this is because my brain has more room oto think about thoings. it kinda hurts me that my mom dsont know that much about eating disorders but yet she says she knows how bad these thionhd can get. likes he can talk so much about me needing help and this and that and yet she hasnt veen taken the tiem to udnerstand what it is im goi g throug. but i shoudlnt epect her to i dont evn knkw what is happneing. cons of relasping is more time wwasting life farther form my hoal. what is my goal all i can think abou t is working on my body bye cercising and eating healthy after treatment. iu dont underdstand why people dopnt think this is a huge thing for me. it makes it so i cant wear what. im so tired of caring. i want to get out of my head. but reality is i am katie and i have to deal wiht whats going on it dosnt do any good whining about it. another con is that my family would be disapinted. im kinda scared i ahev cancer ir im going ot die and jus stop breatinh. its probaly jsut anxiety . nbut i think about the drugs ive done and all that ive smoked and when ive starved and i wonder if im jsut shutting gdown. but i guess were all shutting down. but you cant tell kids these tihngs they dont care and they wouldnt undertsnad. i guess im jsut freaking out at my very eistence. im also very thankful to ebe alive. the fact were all ehsiting rn is crazy i think everything happens for a reason and theres a beautiful lessona nd “work of art called love” desinged by the creator. i ksut dpnt think itds what people think its actaully is. julian is just dsigusing why was i ever ino him. but i cant stop 16 year old me by being into him. but he really wasa dick adn oi dont think hes aw the value in me. my idea of him thinking that was because hesa  lot uglier than me or the line in fredys song where he says “ why would a girl like you fall for a guy like me” and he saud thatr eminded him of us i thought that was so sweet. MO that dosnt mean he values me. why was i so okay with accepting bullshit.a nd nathan. i really liked nathan we were bestfriends. but i got really cazy jealous. i was supposed to eat2 and ahalf hours ago and im not rally hungry. hence my hunger ques are off. i lost 4 lbs over the weekedn and im on weight restoration i was given till friday before i have tonadd even more additions because im not supposed to be lsoing weight. but i dint feel sad baout it. i felt eciteed i guess my bodys ina  place where it can lsoe weight easily. i feel like i should take advantage of it. is this litterally the eating disorder tuyping as we speak am i poseed. it is katie stowers. i guess thats what an eating idorder does. i think i ought to steer clear of caffense and weed. make things a little less harde.r and truly i shuld try to quit nicatine. ots just so nice to do but i think i ought to just not do it. i think idts a porblem because i can already mpciture me going outside after break and smoking. “evntually ill quit shes aid” when i quoted julien baker in her song ahppy to be hee to esther it says “ i miss you the way that i miss nicatine” she waled away after. felt a little judged honeslt and i dont think it was cuz of me but i am better than to smoke nicatine. i think im gonna not do it tomorow. adn if i succeed well see about friday. but it is a hbit i shoudl break. but anyways theres a lot to worry about and be ecited about to and im having a hard time manging it all. and i opuld go on times ten of whats been happneing in my brain ina  therap y session but it dosnt happne.

[cummunication]

Addicted to Love

Have you ever felt addicted to somebody? Like you can’t live without them? Or have you ever been so hurt or scared of rejection that you’ve avoided dating completely? Have you ever felt like you absolutely needed somebody and panicked when they aren’t in reach? Like you have to rely on them for everything? I think we’ve all been there (to an extent) whether or not we’ll admit it. And although these behaviors are normal growing up because many of us were not taught relationship and communication skills by our parents, when we react from a place of fear [too much] in relationship, we can start developing codependent patterns or become what psychologists term “love addicts”. It’s easy to self diagnose but I wouldn’t be so quick to do so. Almost all of us will find ourselves in the description for at least one or two characteristics. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean you are damaged or that anything is wrong with you. It is helpful to realize when you are repeating patterns so that you can work on the issue to have more satisfying relationships. Over the summer I decided to attend a coda meeting. CODA stands for codependents anonymous. Coda is a 12 step meeting for anybody struggling with codependency. Codependency is described as excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner; typically a partner who requires support due to illness or addiction. Codependency is most often used in relation to alcoholism or other types of addiction such as substance use in recovery. Codependency is a controversial concept for dysfunctional relationships where one person supports or enables another’s addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. I do not believe I am a full blown codependent however many of my romantic relationships have been unhealthy and I often have taken the role of enabler to peoples toxic, destructive behaviors. Anytime there is addiction or abuse in a relationship there is usually codependency. Knowing this, I decided to address the issue and attend a meeting. Although I was the youngest one there (the only one under 40)  I am committed to solving the issue of attracting narcissist partners and wish to have an equal the next time I decide to date. Love addiction is similar to codependency in that most codependents also suffer from love addiction and vice versa.  Love addiction is a compulsive, chronic craving and/or pursuit of romantic love in an effort to get our sense of security and worth from another person. The cause is typically correlated to poor self image, an adverse experiences during childhood.  It can be helpful to gain knowledge on these topics if you are dealing with codependency or love addiction, however, good insight into your issues is unfortunately not the cure. As I’ve learned, we can know a lot about why we act a certain way but it’s a whole nother story to actually change/undo subconscious beliefs. I have been in plenty of toxic relationships and promised myself never again would I date an abuser/loser ever again, only to find myself miserable with a sociopath months later. This pattern can be very frustrating and it’s easy to beat yourself up if this is you too. Here are some tips based off of what I’ve learned through my experience of breaking codependency...  It can be easy to blame the other person for our unhappiness but it’s more important that we observe our own behavior. Going to therapy is extremely useful in situations like these because we are encouraged to explore and take inventory of our past and current relationships. Once you can identify the common denominator in your relationships (you) you can then begin to be honest with yourself as to why and how you get into these situations. It is difficult to see the truth when we are in the midst of an unhealthy relationship, so it can be helpful to turn to a trusted friend, relative or mental health professional for an outside perspective. Recently in therapy I was instructed to write down the traits of my ex partners as well as the traits of my mother and father. It was interesting to see how many similarities not only the men shared but with my mother and father as well. it’s not necessarily useful to become resentful and blame our parents for all of our negative dating choices, but when we can start to recognize that we were brought up to believe and act in certain ways, we can start to hold more compassion for ourselves when we continue to make the same mistakes. if you are not currently in a relationship, it can be helpful to do work on yourself before you decide to go out and search for a potential partner. if we rely too much on others to get out internal needs met, then we will most likely keep repeating past behaviors as long as we haven’t healed the wounds that are already there. It is crucial to remember that it is equally important to take responsibility for ourselves and our choices. yes, maybe that person was abusive or cheated or broke your heart all at the same time. but it is on them to change their behavior not you. and it is on us to accept responsibility for the part we played in the relationship without judging ourselves. we always do things for a reason, so trust that you were doing the best you could with the tools you had at the time. healing from traumatic relationships is no easy task. it is difficult, discouraging and frustrating and there will be times when it will be easier to act no your compulsions to run back to that person or self destruct. just know that recovery is not linear and having ups and downs in healing is a process. it’s not for somebody else to tell you where you should be or how you should act. if you are being extremely impulsive it can be a good idea to take others opinions into consideration but don’t let your cousin who tells you that you should be over something by now invalidate your feelings. accepting and learning to love ourselves no matter what is the first step to finding true love. it is only when we can love and appreciate ourselves unconditionally that a like minded person will follow. 

[dono-harm-totonystark]

Though @ijustreallylovedaredevil's slides are near-perfect, there are some simplifications (necessary, of course) in oxygen therapy that I can't agree with.

You might think, what's so complicated? Pump some O2 into them and it'll be fine. Unfortunately, that is not always the case. Depending on the issue you're dealing with and your oxygen delivery system, you will be adjusting your O2 therapy.

First up, you consider how air-proof your system is. So for the most common ones it goes like this: nasal prongs (because they don't block the airways) < tracheostomy tube (also doesn't block the airways, we'll get to that) < rebreathing mask < non-rebreathing mask < uncuffed ET tube < cuffed ET tube.

A properly cuffed ET tube is 99-100% air-proof. That means that whatever you pump into it will go into the lungs and can only be breathed out through the tube. Therefore, cuffed ET tubes have to be used with T-pieces & similar systems.

The reservoir tube is what collects the CO2 you breathe out (as well as any inhalatory anaesthetics which may be used with it), or as pictured, there may also be adapters allowing air movement or not (which is a whole 'nother flowchart). In short, an air-proof oxygen system must have a CO2 collection ability or it will make the patient worse because if you can't breathe out the CO2, then you can't breathe the O2 in.

As on the slide, the oxygen delivery systems can be divided into low-flow and high-flow ones but the confusion here is (and what may be problematic on the slides) that those apply to the air INSIDE the patient. So low-flow means you're not putting a lot of air in and the patient's body still does most of the work (and these systems aren't air-proof) whereas high-flow is usually when you breathe FOR the patient (and they're usually air-proof or mostly air-proof).

VERY IMPORTANT: This does NOT translate into the flow of O2 that the nurse or doctor sets on the ventilator machine!!

In fact, it's exactly the opposite. The more air-proof (high-flow) your system is, the LESS O2 flow you can use. And here's why.

See, lungs are basically balloons. They inflate and deflate, and you wanna maintain air pressure in them that allows them to inflate and deflate safely. If you put too much air in them, they WILL pop like a balloon. First on a microscopic level but eventually...

So normally, just for a little extra support in an otherwise awake and breathing patient, you will set the ventilator to 1 litre per minute (1 L/m). Paired with the normal breathing of the patient, this translates to approximately 10% of O2 in the breathed air. You CAN go higher with no damage but it will irritate the nose, and if your (awake) patient needs more than 2 L/m of O2 then you really should be using a mask.

In critical patients (so e.g. for trauma support), you want to provide up to 50% of O2 in the air, so if you're using a mask that isn't air-proof, you can easily put your ventilator to 5-6 L/m and it'll be fine.

However, in an air-proof system, because there is no extra 'room' air getting sucked in, whatever you put in will steadly increase the air pressure and O2 saturation over time, so your ventilator flow will have to decrease. So in an uncuffed ET tube you can use 3-4L/m, and in a cuffed ET tube you should only be using 2-3 L/m on average (you will usually start with about 4 L/m to begin with anyway but then lower it over time.

If your patient isn't breathing on their own, you should be using a respirator which will literally breathe for them.

Technically, ventilators CAN go up to 10 L/m of O2 supply but really above 7 L/m (70% pure O2 if mixed with room air) you're risking pulmonary toxicity. Those levels can only be used when you're filling up a space (e.g. an incubator or oxygen tent) but only for short amount of time and only of the space is slightly ventilated as well.

There are many other systems and ways to resuscitate a patient, including non-rebreathing systems where you use valves to fill up a bag and then to empty the bag into the patient's lungs (think ambu bags level up), and others which manipulate the pressures of the air etc. This is a pretty nice summary for those who really wanna go into details: [x].

So I’ve noticed a bunch of medical errors in fics I read, so I decided to post this handy guide to some of the most common errors and some background on basic medical things.

ps- they are not medical treatment or first aid advice. I’m not actually a doctor. yet. but I am certified in first aid. this is just so your writing can be more realistic.

[birdie7272]

Life.

The short version.  Very to the point. 

haha. I’m not capable.  This was as short as I could go.

TL;DR at the bottom

Nov 2019 - I was passed over for a promotion by someone who had been working there a lot less time than me and less qualified.  Why?  Diversity.  They needed a man to be manager.  Also because one of the other managers, someone who I had believed to be my friend, took things I said outside of work when we were drinking in her apartment -misunderstood venting for actual complaints- and spread horrible HORRIBLE rumors about me to the staff and my boss’ boss.  For her, this was nothing.  She never saw complaining about me to the staff as an issue (thinking venting and rumours were different).  To this day she does not understand how much the staff love her and will do ANYTHING for her.  If she hates someone, EVERYONE hates that person. 

Hate being a strong word.  She didn’t hate me.  We just didn’t vibe.  Different styles of managing/different personalities.  She manages by being friends with the staff under her.  It works for her but it is dangerous.  Such as calling me such a bitch.  Everyone now thinks I am a bitch.  Even if they know me better or do not know me at all.

To give you an idea.  After this hand happened, months after, she came to me crying because she didn’t understand what happened between us.  She thought I was one of her closest friends.  Yeah.  She talked shit about me but she thought that was fine.  I thought she was my closest too.  Owch all around.  Spoiler: we talk it out but we dont’ go back to being friends.

Dec 2019 - I am then moved to work under the man promoted over me.  At the store the former friend/manager JUST moved out of. AKA I moved to the store with a staff full of people who HATED ME.  And they were not afraid to let me know it.

The manager knows how upset I am, vows to try and make me as happy working under him as possible.  I don’t blame him.  He wanted a promotion.  He took the opportunity.  He says he’ll try and get the staff on my side.

2020 - I become friends with this manager.  We talk about everything.  We only hang out at work but due to COVID we are the only two people.  Everyone else laid off.  We become very close.  We don’t want to mix seeing each other outside of work with work and that’s fine with me!

Safe topics for him are sex and drugs and those taboo topics that make you feel close to someone.  Politics, gay rights, woman’s rights, poc rights.  Food, cleaning, blah blah.  You get it.

When it comes to work tho.  I’m not happy.  I was promised (as much as one can) that I would be the manager of the next store opening Summer 2020.  I find out through someone else (not my boss or my boss’ boss) that this store is not opening due to COVID. 

My depression has always been something I battle.  December was rough.  Then with COVID and learning my promotion was not going to happen this year (my boss’ boss asking me to stick it out b/c who knew what would happen?).  My thoughts go to self harm and suicide.  Never would I do it.  But I have reoccurring fantasies of other people doing it for me (car crash, work injury, etc).

My depression gets really really really bad.  The worst its been in 5 years.  I go to work, come home, go to bed.  That’s all.  I can’t do anything else.  For a weeks on weeks.

I have a partner.  He has been bless to not have to deal with someone like me before or deal with this state himself.  Which is great in a way.  We can’t be mad at people for not feeling our misery.  However, it does mean he does not know how to help me.  He tries his best but... well.  You know. 

I opened up to my boss about it.  My boyfriend did not know about my suicidal thoughts, but he did.  Just to let you know how close I was to him.

June 2020- I apply for a new job.  Clearly I need a change.  My boss offers up his recommendation if I need it. 

I don’t get it b/c I put my foot in my mouth during the interview.  I accidentally let them know I was leaving, basically, because I was promised a promotion (twice now) and did not get it b/c of COIVD.  (I didn’t mention it was twice and that the first time was b/c of rumours from a misunderstanding with a friend at work situation).  The interviewer was not happy with that! “We don’t know if a manager spot will be available next year.  How do I know you won’t just leave here?”  -- fair.  But I couldn’t exactly tell her the real reasons!

I talk to my boss’ boss to let her know how I’ve been feeling.  Roughly.  Mostly just that I feel like I don’t have a future at the company.  She’s upset.  She never meant to make me feel that way.  We restart the plan to make me manager next.

This is when I start to realize my relationship with my boss (the man) is not working.  We’re friends, sure.  But I realize that every time I try and talk to him about managing/improving the store/ways to improve sales/ WORK stuff.... he does not want to talk about it.  Any idea I have gets shot down and his reason is “our store is fine”.  Yes.  It was fine.  But it could be great!  I want it to be great.

Every time I’ve asked him for feedback on my job performance, he says I’m doing everything great.  That he doesn’t know what those rumours about me being a bitch were about.  I’m great at my job and am doing a great job and should keep it up!  

I feel re-inspired.  I’m talking to a therapist again.  I have my boss’ boss supporting me for my promotion (only between me and one other woman -outside hire but she does have more retail and managing experience than me so tough competition).  And most of the staff who hated me are gone.  Turnover high due to COVID and also b/c the company was bought out a year before and people no longer stick around since they went corporate.

I am much more productive at work!  I start going back to managing more.  Competitions, fun stuff, new ideas, more productive learnings, etc.  The new staff and I get along great.  Lots of work done!

Which is when I realize exactly how much I”m doing.  I’m doing my boss’ job.  All of it.  Stuff I don’t need to do.  I have been all year.  I know it was because I was a ‘manager in training’.  But I’ve already learned how to do operational stuff.  I’m doing his job.  What is he doing??  Wow.  I realize he’s not doing anything.  Even managing the staff.  I’m the one coaching and motivating and giving feedback.  When I’m not around, the staff tells me he does nothing.  When I am there, he’s asking me what he should be doing.  He refers to me as the ‘real’ manager and that he’s just the face.  ALL THE TIME.  I suddenly realize (thank you therapy and unbiased pov) that this has been our dynamic since I moved under him. 

Why do I Let him do this?  We’re friends.  I forgive him.  He has anxiety.  He’s threatened by me.  He knows I could do his job.  He wants to keep me happy so he doesn’t lose me because I’m the one doing his job!  Of course.  Well I love the job so I can keep doing it, right?

Ignore the fact that he makes 10,000 more a year than me.  I’m getting that promotion next so.   My boss’ boss -in a talk with her and my boss- tells me that I am 100% the next manager according to her.     Yup!  It’s FINEEEEEEeeeeeeee.....

Then.  He talks about MY sex life to one of the staff.  One of the new girls that works under me. 

My sex life is a whole ‘nother thing.  It does not exist.  He doesn’t understand that.  I don’t understand it either.  I’ve been with my boyfriend for two years but we haven’t had sex since... six months into the relationship.  It’s why I opened up to him about it.  That’s actually something I really need to find someone to talk to about so... will do that at some point!  sure. 

NOT COOL.  I found out about this through deductive reasoning actually.  The coworker asked me about my sex life which I NEVER brought up to her before.  She asked me if I even had sex.  NO ONE would ask me that.  EVER.  I’m not a bitch but I am a bit of a hardass.  No one would ask me that out of the blue.

Then my boss said something about regretting what he says when his anxiety makes him panic.  Okay.  Yup.  I can put two and two together.

I wait.

He comes to me a few days later and admits what he did.  I told him I already had forgiven him because I did.  His anxiety is bad.  I get it.

I thought I did.  But he did exactly what the other manager did back in 2019.  Made me feel like I could open up and then gossiped about me to the staff.  Worse, he knew that’s what happened before.  He saw me crying for weeks over it.  He was my shoulder to cry on about it.  Now he did it to me. 

I’m suddenly no longer cool with being friends and doing his job.  What am I getting out of this?

Sept 2020 - I go to another manager for advice.  She’s older, mature, and is not my manger’s boss so she can’t get him in trouble.  She tells me this is so NOT OKAY and that I should have come out with this stuff much sooner and that I need to talk to our boss.   My boss’ boss.  The one that’s been working with me.  We have a great relationship.  She’s my boss’ boss but she won’t just fire him or tell him I went to her about this. 

I ask her for a call, she’s busy, so she calls me when I’m next working.  Same day I’m working with my boss.  He -being paranoid and anxiety ridden- freaks out when I take the call in the office.  He keeps coming back, as does the other employee (Same one he gossiped to).  I get frustrated and half tell my boss what’s going on -it’s messy and not at all how I planned to talk to her- but I get the main points out.  My boss fucked up not only with that gossip but in some other ways that affect the company and I can’t keep pretending everything is fine.  I don’t want him fired or anything but I know he can do better and I want to help.  This is all true too!  B/c while I”m hurt I do understand and I do want him to do better.  I want his job and I hate watching someone do the job I love and not give a shit but I don’t want it b/c I get him fired.  WHELP.  One of those times he came back to the office, he called his phone via his smartwatch and listened to my half of the messy convo from the bathroom.

I have the real convo in my car during my lunch break, pretending to call my mom.  He says some stuff to me that makes it apparent he was eavesdropping.

We have a big talk.  I tell him exactly what I want.  I want to take a step back from doing his job because I have been doing it.  I want to give him the chance to actually manage.  Tell me what to do.  Anything you want, I will do it.  But I also want to take a step back from being friends.  Trust broken.  He’s upset.  We’re both crying.  He wants to make it up to me.  Hates breaking my trust and what we had.  I say it’s not forever but I just need to get back to that point.  We can be friends again.

Things are a bit messy at first.  I hate being unproductive at work.  I know how much there is to do.  But I can do it! 

He cannot.  He freaks out at how much his job actually entails.  I didn’t know it yet but he was already looking for a new job.  We have some disagreements and it’s odd to not talk about our personal lives but we make it work.  A bit awkward but that’s okay.  I work on other projects and he takes over operations again. 

Fri - Then he puts in his two weeks.  I am genuinely upset because we are friends!  And we’ve been working in each other’s laps almost a year.  He gets a job that he loves tho and he says I’ll be getting his so everyone is happy! 

Sat - We talk about the next steps.  I tell him I don’t want him to feel like I’m pushing him out but I want his advice on the transition b/c I respect his opinion.  He says he knows/he’s fine with it.  We talk about being friends/hanging out when he’s at his new job.  He says he’ll do everything to ensure I’m the next manager.

Tue- I come into work unhappy but try to be happy.  There was a holiday manger call and I’m concerned b/c I wasn’t on it.  However my boss’ boss told me she already put my name in for the promotion and all it needed was a stamp of approval.  She told me that as long as nothing dramatic happened, I would get it.  Told my boss this and he was supportive.  We talked about one of the new girls’ training and I mentioned I wanted to take it over.  My boss was unhappy about this (he loves training) but he was leaving and he knew it.  I take over the call b/c he has it on his phone on earbuds.  However he’s texting his boyfriend angrily.  I can sense he was upset by this but based on saturday’s convo I know he’ll remember and be fine.  I plan to talk to him before he leaves but give him some space. 

The power goes out.  The call is cut off for us.  I make calls and set up the backup program while he goes out for a smoke.  He comes in and leaves and comes in and leaves.  I think nothing of it b/c that’s what he does when he’s angry or anxious. 

I deal with some customers and then we’re dead so I go to the office.  His keys are on the table.

I walk to the backdoor.  I see him in his car.  He sees me.  He peels out of the parking lot. 

I call my boss’ boss.  He emailed her.  Said that I was a horrible person, awful to work with, and should not be made manager.  He attaches something I emailed him back in January 2020.  A profile I wrote on one of our employees.  He thought it was proof of how horrible a person I was.  (it was not bad. Even my boss’ boss said it was fine.  It read like a FBI profile.)  He claimed I wrote these on everyone and kept them in a file.  Really, that one I wrote and emailed him b/c I was so upset over what happened in nov/dec 2019 because I felt like people didn’t understand me when I spoke.  That my brain worked differently.  He asked what I meant and when I said it was like a profile he didn’t understand and HE ASKED ME to write it down. 

So my boss’ boss things this is bs to me but she still has to forward it to her boss.  B/c they had an employee not fill out his two weeks.  That’s bad for him and the company.  Ppwk.  Stats.  That sort of thing.

I check social media.  He’s blocked me on all accounts. 

I cannot express how confused and hurt I was.  We were friends.  I KNOW we were friends.  I know he had anxiety.  I know why he acted the way he did with me.  But no one in my life had actively tried to hurt me so purposefully before.

That whole ‘as long as nothing drastic happens’.  Yup.  My -well- she’s now my boss- let’s me know.  That was it.  I’m not getting the promotion.  This email combined with the gossip about me from 2019 and the fact that I am very vocal when it comes to worker’s rights.  Yup.

Ask anyone I worked with.  They LOVED me.  I still feel like telling this pOV I come out looking like a bitch or something.  I cannot express how much I loved my job and had fun and how much my employees loved me.  When they found out I didn’t get it- I had multiple people from multiple locations threaten to strike.  Literally, strike.  They meant it too.

Yeah, god my ego.  But it’s true. 

They offer to allow me to manage the store until they can hire someone else.  So they are okay with me short term, but not long term.  I ask if I do a good enough job if they would promote me instead of hire someone else.  Like a trial.  NOPE.  I ask if I could have some sort of development plan to ensure I actually do get the promotion I was promised three times now.  NOPE.  There is literally nothing else for me to work on.  I’m ready.  This email from my closest friend just cost me.

I think long and hard, talk to my therapist (Second one this year).  I decide to quit.  I put in my three weeks notice and work it out till the end.  I deal with many a phone call with people who are upset at me leaving and customers who are very upset to see me go.  There was a lot of crying for a month.

Nope.  didn’t have another job lined up.  Couldn’t keep working at a place I loved when they didn’t want me.  Couldn’t watch someone else do the job I loved. 

They offered me a raise they offered me an extended vacation to come back. 

I couldn’t do it. 

They wanted an outside hire.  They spent all 3 weeks trying to find one but they couldn’t.  Rather than ask me to stay on as manager, they asked that other associate (the one with more managing experience) to do it. The one with all the complaints from customers and transphobic/racist complaints from associates.  Yup.  That one.

Now my parents were some of the people I talked to.  My parents and I have a complicated and distant relationship.  However, one hold they have over me is money.  I hadn’t seen them in over a year.  They wanted to see me despite it being COVID peak in November.  I agree as long as I quarantine.  I was hurting so much I just wanted a break.  I wanted to get away.

My last week my dad texts me.  My childhood dog was not doing well.  He was having her put down that day.  A week before I was about to go home.  She was my dog. 

I deal with a lot of tears and  a wonderful shower of gifts and visits.  I’m crying now.  Damn.

And then I leave and go to my parents’ house.  I didn’t realize how bad COVID was b/c I don’t watch the news.  I also didn’t think it thru.  My parents have never been there for me emotionally.  NEVER.  I stupidly thought they would step up their game b/c of how fucking awful my life was.  Yeah.  no.  It was like I was transported back to my teenage self.  Only this time, everyone is home 24/7.  Now retired, my dad is always there.  My mom works from home b/c of covid.  Her office is the only secluded room.  I am around them always.

Tough convos like; You don’t like us do you? and So you’ll never come home again, huh?  GREAT. 

Oh.  And I lost my thearpist when I lost my insurance. 

My boyfriend really does try.  But he’s not good emotionally either.

It’s a fucked up mess all around.  

Anyway.  Unemployed.  Figuring shit out.  I am still unemployed b/c I can’t look at getting a job.  I’m actually starting a blog and a podcast and a youtube channel.  It’s the same passion as this job was.  Only now I’m doing it myself.  It’s a lot of work and will hopefully launch soon but I am drowning in bills.  The reason I went to my parents was so that if I need their financial support I will still have it (amongst the naive idea that they would help me).  So I won’t go homeless.  I am blessed with my boyfriend having a job.  I won’t go hungry or homeless.  But my mental health is.... yeah.  I’m in a panic over a timeline that doesn’t exist. 

Yeah. I’m gonna throw up if I talk more about it.

YES THIS WAS THE SHORT VERSION.  hahaha

TLDR: My closest friend cost me a promotion at my absolute favorite job I’ve ever had.  I quit the job I love.  My dog died.  I spent two weeks with my emotionally abusive parents.  My boyfriend tries but... it’s not good enough and that makes me feel worse.  I’m unemployed and starting a blog.

[shadovvlink]

angsty trans/gay rant

like a lot of people are saying they wouldnt be cis assigned gender and/or het if they could choose and. i super admire that and im happy that they can be in a place where theyre happy with who they are and not ashamed of themselves but. i would. i really fucking would. like i will stand up for ppls rights to be able to come out in a safe & supportive environment where they dont have to be shamed for being themselves til my dying breath because they deserve those good things.

but that doesnt mean i will do those things for myself. i would still rather be a cishet girl whos uncomfortable with her body rolls and a bit too depressed to do anything about it than. idk a gay trans guy whos so ashamed and disgusted with himself that it took him years to come out. to a family that claims theyre supportive but are now trying to convince him hes either spending too much time online, letting his hyperempathy get the better of him for people who actually live through that, (implying) hes just faking it to make it seem more real to him or just psychotic to the point that he lost his grip on the difference between delusion and reality. just basically trying to tell him hes not clear in the head, and telling him that if there is literally absolutely no other way out, they will let him transition. and having most of his depression stem from his body dysphoria. even though there are clear underlying issues.

ofc i know lgbt is an ok thing to be. i get so happy when ppl refer to me as male even tho i feel so much shame and self hate for making people cater to my needs at the same time. but i would rather be a cishet girl who just used to have a problem with bullying and a few abusive friends than have yet 15 more added on layers that make it so bad that i literally cant think of any other way out than to slowly kill myself either by drinking, cutting, or just end it outright and never let my issues be known to anybody. going back to therapy can only help for so long and i already bring enough shame to them by that as is.

i fucking hate causing my parents and brother this much trouble and forcing them to go through yet more things because of me. i shoud never have come out and instead just stayed in the closet and waited for this to pass. i should never have bought a binder in the first place and instead just quietly waited for this to end. but i literally just couldnt wait anymore when i was pretty much forced to come out bcus i was so upset at this point that i felt i was going to either explode or die if i kept this to myself and my circle of friends. even if i had a panic attack before telling them. and everyone around focuses specifically on the ppl regretting transitioning and are trying to tell me that basically nothing will change. my brother knows someone who went through this first hand and tells me its ok to be a masculine girl even when i told him that it just isnt enough anymore. thats great. its also the last thing i need to hear.

im really happy that i have lgbt friends that can be themselves comfortably and not hate themselves for being lgbt constantly. its so good to see them walk forwards in life with pride even when im right here wishing i wasnt myself and wishing i was literally anything else because its so much easier and i feel so weak because of it i feel like a quitter

on my period and thats probably whats making me so upset abt this but im so angry and tired of constantly being shoved back in the closet under the guise of focusing on my happiness first and people telling me how long it will take to transition and do everything and constantly repeating “but what if halfway through you realize its not The Thing™?” and how much transitioning costs the state. and just constantly trying to make me doubt myself again and again when i just keep realizing after a while that it hurt me more than it did good. and each time it just gets worse. i dont want this either, you know!!!!! id rather not have these issues more than anyone!!!!! id rather fucking die than be like this!!!!!!!! theres nowhere to vent this but here i dont know if i can trust anyone irl anymore because its just false hope on top of false hope getting crushed time and time again but i know i just cant keep clinging to things with online friends. idk i guess im just. so used to keeping things to myself i guess.

idk im just nauseous becuase of my body but i cant drink or cut because i will just get in trouble again and i cant go to any websites because nothing helps.

thinking about my body makes me crazy. trying not to think about my body makes me crazy. trying to keep myself from thinking abt having sex with men (because lets be real thats never going to happen irl) is making me crazy. trying to think about transitioning makes me crazy. talking to my parents about me getting help for this in some kind of way is making me feel like im literally 5 minutes away from being completely delirious because they make me feel like im just hallucinating this entire ordeal and deluding myself into thinking that i must be trans being the solution. i know theyre trying to focus on my happiness. i know theyre trying to make me more levelheaded about this and think rationally about what transitioning will really do to me. idfk im just a textbook crazy at this point. i dont even know anymore.

dont even make me start with being gay haha thats just a whole nother layer of bullshit and shame i dont want my parents to go through because of me.

idk i m nto meant to be crying but ut hurt sso much

[piratelifeforme]

Nothing is wrong with you.

I wish I had read a post like this one years ago. Hopefully I’ll be able to help someone else by sharing my story! Have you ever wondered what the heck is wrong with you? Have you ever felt like a failure (and maybe someone in your family helped you to get that idea tattooed on your mind)? You never finish anything and you don’t know what to do with your life, like, most of the time?

Welcome to a Pirate Life For Me 101! (Don’t feel confused by the name, it’s just the name of my blog and I just like it).

That’s exactly how I felt my whole life, which means 30 years. 30 years of “I’m useless”, “I don’t belong anywhere”, “I’m a failure”, and a not very nice etc. But when I was 18 I started noticing that something was off. I was being judged like everyone else, but I suddenly understood, somehow, that if life was a video game I was not playing on the same difficulty setting than others (and I am not talking about circumstances, I am talking about the way my mind works and how I process and learn things).

I always thought ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) was a term used for hyperactive kids, and clearly I am not a hyperactive person. I’ve been actually always called lazy, and I tend to lay a lot and get tired easily. So for many years I didn’t even thought that I could be ADHD, until, when I was 18 a friend of mine (same age) was diagnosed. It was the first time I heard about an adult being diagnosed so out of curiosity I asked her what it meant to have that disorder:

She explained to me that ADHD is not about jumping and running and not being able to stand still all the time (only), it depends on the person, and some of the main symptoms are:

* Not being able to concentrate or focus * Being clumsy  * Being forgetful * Being very impatient * Being impulsive (But you are born with these, if you develop them at a certain age that means you don’t have this disorder in particular, though you may be suffering any other kind of mental health issue or a different thing).

I was all of those things. I still am. And unfortunately these symptoms are easily mistaken as “personality traits”, and my parents never even considered that I could have a disorder or difficulties that other kids didn’t have. Instead of looking for help, they got frustrated, and they called me lazy, and told me in very severe ways to work harder, and took me into a horrible guilt trip, and as of today, I haven’t got over it completely.

So having this new information felt like finding a treasure. I had an explanation as why I kept failing, and it meant I was not a failure! So I run to my dad and told him everything about it, hoping for redemption. His reaction? He laugh and just said:

- That’s silly, you don’t have that.

It’s easy to think that your parents know everything and that everything they say is correct. But they are just humans, and they can be wrong sometimes.

I kept going through life, I started studying two different degrees (philology and arts), a graphic design course, an illustration course, I tried to get a certificate in English... I did not finish anything. I also stopped trying to have hobbies as I would get bored of doing anything for more than 5 minutes, and even reading was/is difficult for me (unless I completely fall in love with a book and then I can’t stop reading until I finish it, this is called “hyperfocusing” and it is another symptom of ADHD). I suffered depression and anxiety. I ended up working in hospitality. Hated it. Then retail. Hated it. Finally I moved to another country, got another horrible job, ended up broke, alone and depressed, and then I hit rock bottom. I was wasting my life and not achieving anything. I still don’t know how I did it, but I gathered all my strength, and decided to get out of that horrible life path.

I’m not aiming to write my biography on this post and I really want to focus on ADHD, so how I got out of there and found a passion will be for another time (in case anyone wants to hear about it). But basically, I started a(nother) degree. I was 27 years old. It was easier than the other things I tried because it was much more practical and every day and every week was different, so following it didn’t seem so hard for my fidgety mind (and also, because of being older, I had learnt a bit to force myself not to be so self).

I’ve become very apathetic due to frustration and having such a short attention span. But starting a new degree and feeling a bit more hopeful made me want to try again find hobbies or ways to enjoy my alone time (which I never did). So I grabbed the electric guitar I got once for my birthday and played a very simple tutorial on Youtube. 

It was the first time I was trying to learn something new in many, many years. And then I realised something wasn’t working as it should: Even though the part I was trying to play was very easy, every single time I tried to play it my brain would go on “automatic mode”, like when I do something I’ve done a million times and I don’t need to pay too much attention to it, the difference was that this time it was something new, and it was impossible for my fingers to do those movements without me completely focusing on it. I tried for three hours, and the frustration I felt was unbearable. And it hit me, I just knew it, something WAS wrong. My brain always worked the same way, this was not something new, but when I was younger I always thought that was how it had to be. When we are kids we kind of accept everything as it is, and think less about changing it or if it should be different. But my “more adult brain” realised this couldn’t be right. And then I thought about my friend Darki.

He had been recently diagnosed with ADHD and he was becoming an expert on the subject so I texted him and we spent hours talking about it. He said:

- You should totally get it checked, it does sound like you have it. But even if you don’t have ADHD, if you really think you have something, it probably means you do.

The process has been really long and tedious. But totally worth it. These are the steps I followed:

12/08/2016 I went to my GP (I should mention I live in the UK), as a doctor has to refer you, you can’t just show up at the ADHD clinic. The doctor that saw me really tried to put me down. She said that it didn’t really matter if I had it as I was already an adult, I would never get medication at my age, and therapy wouldn’t make a difference, again, as I was too old (I was 29). I said that I was really struggling with life, and knowing at least would help (knowledge is power!). She referred me through the NHS system and told me to wait.

The wait: during months I did not hear anything. I contacted my GP two more times, they said they would push the ADHD clinic. I contacted the ADHD clinic myself: emails and voice mails. No answer.

I checked for private clinics, but I could not afford paying £500.

I went to the Students’ Union of my University, and talked to different people about it. They are based on the same floor as one of the departments from the university that are supposed to help students, so they advised I would talk to them. I had a meeting with a woman (not sure what her role is) and she said the same things as the doctor that saw me. She said that I, as an adult, should learn on my own how to deal with it. I felt very down and frustrated.

16/01/2017 I got a phone call. Someone had cancelled their appointment in the last minute, and no one from the waiting list was able to go as it was so last minute, and they had reached my name.

I went to two different appointments (one in January with a nurse and one in March with a psychiatrist), filled two long tests and answered loads of questions.

20/03/2017 The psychiatrist gave me the best news I could have received: I have ADHD. More specifically ADHD-i, the “i” stands for “inattentive”, as there are three different types of ADHD, an even more specifically, I have ADD, as I am not hyperactive.

I have started medication, and I am about to start therapy as well. The medication is definitely helping (though I was a bit scared about taking it at the beginning) and I am actually looking forward to the therapy! The process is long and confusing, as the NHS is quite chaotic in my opinion, but I couldn’t be happier to be where I am, and I want to encourage you to go seek for help if you think you may need it. It’s never too late to start living your life, it’s never too late to find the right path, and it’s never too late to learn about yourself and find out who you are and why you see the world the way you do. I am learning a lot about this disorder, so if you have any questions please don’t hesitate to ask!

And lastly: I am not sad or down about the diagnose. It doesn’t mean I am less or that I have less value. It means I have different needs than other people, and learning that helped me hugely to stop being so hard on myself, loving myself more, and doing things in the right way so I can enjoy life more. Whether you have ADHD, or a different disorder or difficulty, try to get a diagnose, and do not let anyone put you down. It could totally change your life.

[psotu17]

Transcript: Theatre Prometheus' reproductive health Story Circle

STORY CIRCLE ON REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH

Hosted by THEATRE PROMETHEUS

In partnership with Planned Parenthood and Warehouse Industries

  ATTENDEES: Natalie Thielen Helper (host), Lily Kerrigan, Nerissa Hart, Anonymous, Charlotte McConnell, Emily Sucher.

  After everyone shared their names and reasons for coming, NATALIE introduced the event. The recording begins partway through her introduction.

  NATALIE: …just, you know, listening with respect and care, and not talking over people – I mean, if we want to open it up to conversation, one really nice thing about this being a small group is we do have time for that, so if you’re sharing your story and want to ask a question or want people to chip in then that can happen! So that’s a good thing. But yeah, does anyone want to start?

  CHARLOTTE: I can start! I do have a story. I wrote a letter to the editor that was just published, and I shared my story at Planned Parenthood, and I need to practice it because I might be in a room with Tim Kaine on Friday.

  ALL: Ooh! Laughter.

  CHARLOTTE: Yeah! So it’s kinda like, telling him my story… So, in October of 2005 my husband and I were married. It was a Sunday. The next day, Monday, was my mother’s 60th birthday. She, uh, had been dealing with breast cancer at this point for about a year and a half, and we thought she was in a really good place. She was diagnosed with triple-negative breast cancer – do you know what that is?

  ALL: No…

  CHARLOTTE: I’ve heard this term for over a decade, so I just assumed everyone knew. So triple-negative is a sub-category of breast cancer, and it doesn’t respond to targeted therapy treatments because all of the receptors those target are negative. And if you have triple-negative breast cancer you have a higher rate of re-occurrance and you have a lower rate of survival.

  So the week before my wedding, my mom was actually hospitalized from like Sunday through Friday leading up to my wedding because her breast cancer had spread to her liver. So she had triple-negative metastatic breast cancer. So after my wedding, which is a whole nother story that I’m not even gonna bring up today, was my mother’s birthday. She got a Chinese-crested hairless – this was a dog she had wanted for a really long time. My husband and I fly down to Hawaii for our honeymoon, and then Saturday morning I get a phone call that’s like, “you have to come home.”

  So my husband and I fly home. We don’t make it in time. My dad meets us at the airport. He’s like “your mother, you know, passed away.” So as newlyweds we had to navigate this whole process. And then January, January 26, was my birthday. It was my 26th birthday. I remember having a cigarette that night and thinking oh my god, I feel so sick. And then I started, over the course of 2006, getting sick from Multiple Sclerosis. But it took us two… two or three years to get a diagnosis. I have other autoimmune issues because they like to congregate like that. So I’ve been dealing with MS for ten years now.

  And my mother wasn’t the first in her family to have breast cancer. Her sister was diagnosed with breast cancer 36 years ago. And she’s alive, doing well. Her daughter was diagnosed with breast cancer two or three years ago. And she’s doing great. She’s done a lot of yoga, a lot of cycling, and she’s tackled it in a way I’ve never seen a human tackle dealing with cancer. And, uh, nine months ago my other maternal aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer. So I’ve been seeing a breast surgeon for three years. January 4th I met with my breast surgeon, and we are, we have decided that it is in my best interests to have a bilateral risk-reducing mastectomy. Because health insurance being what it is, and because I don’t have cancer, we have time to plan this. So my husband and I are waiting for our insurance to be met, our out-of-pocket deductible to be met, because my MS medication costs 5 grand a month.

  ALL: Sympathetic sighs.

  CHARLOTTE: And because of the cost of this medication, the drug company has a co-pay assistance program. So the drug company completely pays for my medication, and my insurance sees this as meeting our deductible. So we will still have out-of-pocket expenses, but the bulk of it gets paid. We’re planning to have the surgery in the summer. I have a small child in Kindergarten, and I think it’ll be easier having him home that picking him up twice a day. So I’ll be out of commision for about six weeks.

  And February 17th I meet with a plastic surgeon about reconstruction, but I’m very much of the mind at this point in time that I do not want reconstruction. Um, people have come up to breast cancer survivors and been like “oh, well isn’t it nice that you got a new set of perky ones!” And that – if someone said that to me, I don’t know if I’d be able to resist smacking them in the face. Because I know everyone wants to put a silver lining on something, but chopping your tits off and getting a new set is not one of them. Everyone is so concerned right now about who’s a man, who’s a woman, and there’s a part of me that just wants to challenge that. Uh, I don’t know if you have the comedian Tig Notaro, but she had breast cancer, and seeing her documentary – her, being empowered, on a mountain, topless – appeals to me, even though I have my own body image issues. Because once I have this surgery – my breast surgeon, who I love, was like “we can re-attach your nipples, and your tattoo won’t get…” And it’s like, ok, so my nipples won’t feel anything anymore so it’s just for decoration. I won’t have the same feeling. There are stories of people having horrible reconstruction – my cousin says she still feels like there’s a band around her chest. And I already hate wearing a bra. How much money could I save in my lifetime by never having to buy another bra? So, you know, I don’t want to do it. I’m going to listen to my husband, we’re gonna talk about it. But he’s such a feminist he doesn’t even know how to have an opinion on something like that. Which I love him for, though it would be kind of nice if he was passionate one way or the other. But I more feel like I have to prepare my family for me not having breasts. And I’m concerned on how my 22-month-old will handle it. I nursed my first-born for 26 months. The second, at 18 months, I was like, “sorry dude. I’m getting concerned.” In our play group there was one woman who was diagnosed with triple-negative breast cancer after she had her second child. And so I started getting very concerned which is why I was like, “18 months is enough, you’re a very good eater, let’s move on.” So that… uh, that’s my story!

  NATALIE: Thank you. Um, is it ok if I go next? So, that actually, that’s really interesting, because that sparked a lot of thoughts with me that I hadn’t even considered sharing. Um, I was originally just gonna talk about some IUD stuff. But I realized as you were talking that that actually ties into a lot of other things.

  So, um, I had cancer two – almost three years ago, when I was 22. And the way I think about it is “oh, well it wasn’t cancer-cancer,” because I didn’t have to do chemo. It was melanoma, which, that’s what this big scar on my arm is. So that’s what you get for growing up white in Hawaii. I wore lots of sunscreen, but still. So they were able to just scoop it out, I had surgery. It used to look a lot more badass, like I had a sharkbite right in my arm, but it’s still a cool scar. So I have, kind of like, bad genes is the way I think of it. I had cancer when I was 22, I have a… manageable mental illness, manageable with medication and therapy, but it still, like, needs to be managed, and it’s something I still have to work really hard on. And, I mean, I’m an organ donor according to my driver’s license but they probably wouldn’t be able to take any of my organs. So even if I had wanted to get pregnant, ever, probably between the mental health and the cancer stuff I would have been seriously reconsidering that at this point.

  Luckily, I already didn’t want to get pregnant, so this is just more confirmation. I do really want to have kids. I’ve always known that, and I’ve always been pretty sure even when I was younger that I want to adopt, and as I’ve gotten older I’m like “oh, yeah, yeah, yeah I don’t want a thing inside me.”

  So, going back to the mental illness stuff, I had to go off of the pill – which I’d been on since I was like 14 – because… it wasn’t clear if it was interacting poorly with my medication, or maybe not, but it was just a variable that needed to be eliminated while I was getting on some new meds. So that’s kind of not an option anymore. And with the possibility of losing my health insurance, because I’m a full-time student, I work retail, I’m on my parents’ insurance for the next year because I’m about to turn 25. So if they don’t get rid of Obamacare, the ACA, I’ll have it until I’m 26, and that’s great but I’m not counting on it completely.

  So if I don’t have health insurance, and if there’s a possibility of losing access to an abortion, like if – I mean, I don’t want to get into nightmare scenarios, but there’s a lot of ifs and worries that I have about becoming pregnant and not wanting to be  pregnant. And so I was thinking about getting an IUD recently, and that was actually something that I’d never thought about before except to think in passing “oh, that’s not for me.” So I was like “ok, well, I’m gonna re-examine this, and that was like a knee-jerk reaction, and I’ll do my homework and I’ll probably find that it’s really practical.” I mean, some of them last more than 10 years. And as I was doing this research I started feeling more and more, kind of, dread.

  And, um, before I continue I just want to say my feelings about IUDs are just completely mine about my body, and I think that they’re awesome, I’m glad they exist, I’m really glad they work for so many people. For me, I was just – the more I read about it, the more freaked out I got about the idea of this thing inside me? Which is the same feeling I have about pregnancy. Laughs.

  So I talked to my OBGYN about it. We had a good consultation. She showed me how big they are – I never realized the uterus was so small. I actually learned a lot. A lot that I probably should have been taught in grade school, but wasn’t. But I just, I was supposed to call her back last week about it. I just haven’t. I don’t think I can get one. It really freaks me out.

  It also makes me really really mad that, um, that I have to be thinking about this. Because the whole point is that I want to have bodily autonomy. And if I have to sacrifice some of that in order to keep another part of it, that feels so unfair. And I know nothing’s really happened yet in this administration in terms of reproductive rights, but I think that that’s… I think it’s probably going to change pretty soon. So, I’m gonna talk with my psychiatrist about getting back on the pill, and i’m gonna see about getting insurance so even if I do lose my current insurance I can still afford it, and then keeping an eye on my mental health. All this other stuff.

  I’d say my overwhelming feelings looking into this have been, kind of, fear and anger. Fear about the IUD stuff but also about the general state of, um, the idea that I might not have full ownership of my body. And anger about that; I’m angry that I’ve even been prompted into the idea of getting an IUD. I know a lot of women – my friend is actually doing an art project collecting stories from women, people of all genders, who are getting IUDs now because they’re scared they won’t be able to afford birth control in another form very soon, they want to get something that will last a long time so they have it taken care of. And it’s just, it’s… I’m sure there are some people who are doing this research who are like “oh, why didn’t I think of this before, this is a great option,” but I know there’s still a lot of people who are freaked out like me, and whether or not they end up going through with it it makes me mad that we even have to be considering that.

  So that’s where I’m at right now. It’s not so much a story as it is a feeling, but that’s what’s been on my mind.

  CHARLOTTE: People are starting to stockpile Plan B.

  NATALIE: Yeah.

  CHARLOTTE: They don’t know if it’ll be an option in the future. And that’s unfortunate.

  NATALIE: Especially because it has an expiration date. I guess it’s good to have a stockpile but it’ll only be useful for so long. But, um.

  NERISSA: I was actually gonna say… I know your story, a lot of it was this dread about not having this control. My, um, mine was actually the IUD on the other side. I grew up in a very religious household. The closest you can get to the insane Catholics without actually being Catholic. Laughter. So, Missouri Synod Lutheran, if you know what that is. So, they are the ones who go exactly by what Luther wrote, large and small catechisms. You have to take these intensive classes just to receive the sacrament, the wine and the bread.

  And, um, when I was growing up – so, the first little bit of this story is I didn’t really understand anything about reproductive systems, anything like that, because my parents’ general belief about that was “well, we’ll teach them when it’s time.” And otherwise there was no addressing that, because obviously I wasn’t going to be having sex until marriage. They had their assumptions about the way my life was going to go because obviously I’d follow their religion. And when I turned 11, my period started. I didn’t know about periods because my parents constantly opted me out of sex ed. It became this tradition, every year before gym, first day, I’d come and just say “can I have my opt-out form?” And then go to the library with the other kids and do these assignments about medical, um, about diseases and things like that. So when my period started I thought I was dying, because I also had really really bad cramps on my first period. So I thought my organs were literally coming out of my body, and I was terrified, screaming, and my mom came in and said “no, it’s ok” – she showed me how to put a pad on, and this entire time I was having this like mental breakdown; I couldn’t go to school that day. Um, and then she had to sit my down and explain what periods were. She didn’t explain that they were related at all to making babies. She just said this was a regular part of a woman growing up, you bleed once a month. So, um, my periods were always really weird – I’m an athletic person, I move around a lot, I’ve always been doing dance, gymnastic, tae kwon do. A lot of times I get my period every other month, so that was another weird thing she wasn’t able to teach me about.

  Fast-forward to first day of high school, um, I go and it’s the same thing, going to the gym teacher, “hey, can I have the opt-out form?” And the gym teacher looks at me like I’m crazy and goes “there’s not opt-out form. You’re in highschool now.” So they put me in sex ed, the girl who has never taken any sex ed before, who had never had sex explained to her. And first day is “ok let’s just do the basic review.” So all of this information that everyone had been learning since they were in what, third grade, fourth grade, just came pouring in. And I was mortified because I didn’t know any of this stuff. I didn’t know it was called a vagina, I still called it a pee-pee, it was ridiculous. So, all of this information came flooding at me.

  Then when it finally came to the point where I started getting involved in sex and things like that, 90% of what I knew was taught to me by my friends or by my boyfriend when I was 17. So he had to explain to me how sex actually worked and not just “don’t have sex,” the Mean Girls explanation that the teachers give you. So that was how I learned 90% of what sex was.

  When I finally went to get birth control I was 18 years old, senior in high school. I asked my parents – well, my mom. I couldn’t quite go to my dad about that; he was the much more strictly religious one, so I always related to my mom on those things a lot more, and said “can I go on the pill?” “Yeah, sure!” So we went to the doctor and as soon as I said “can I have the pill,” she just wrote me a prescription, didn’t look at any of my files. Um, so I go home with the pill and it was one of the most agonizing experiences of my life, because what the doctor didn’t look at was what i get regular migraines. If you get migraines, you’re not supposed to take the pill because of the hormones releasing – it activates them. So I felt absolutely nauseated, I was over the toilet or on the bed agonizing. It felt like there was a jackhammer going straight into my skull the entire night. And this lasted for two days, from one pill.

  A few weeks later I went back to a different doctor, and said “hey, so this happened, can you help me? Literally anything that doesn’t have to do with hormones.” And she said “ok, well, there’s this thing called the copper IUD.” And I’m not good at taking medications – I’m finally getting better at it – but when she said “it lasts 10 years, there’s no hormones involved, all this other stuff,” and I would have this freedom and autonomy, I was just like “yes, give this to me as soon as possible!” Um, so I can completely understand why people would be freaked out by that, but for me, because of my painful experience with the pill, it was that freedom for me personally. And, yeah, so as soon as I got it I was like “yes, this is great” – it’s worked out to this day.

  There were all sorts of other things that I had to learn about, like I said from friends or from personal experiences that I wish I had been taught about – but that’s part of the reason why I am so pro-choice. It’s not just talking about the conversation of Planned Parenthood, which is so important, but also the kind of education that is brought to people not just in schools but even going to churches, because they do feel like they have this… I’m trying to think of how to word this. “Because we are separated from the state, we can teach people whatever we want.” Which is not the way things should be, so even though I personally am not religious, I think that there really does need to be a big discussion between the government and schools and churches just to say “look, people need to understand how these things work, because otherwise it can lead to much much worse things.” So, um I thought I was dying, at one point also I didn’t know where the line was for like people shouldn’t be doing this to my body, all this other stuff that came into play – I won’t go into that right now.

  But if I had been taught those things, I think that it would have been so much better for me. And instead there are still a few things every now and again, to this day, when people will say something and I’ll be like “wait you learned about that when you were 5? What?,” or things i didn’t eve know that existed at all. It’s been a lot of self-education but I think it’s so important that people have the right not just to say whatever happens to their body, but to know how the fuck their body works, excuse my language. So, that is my story.

  NATALIE: Thank you.

  EMILY: I hadn’t really had, like, a linear story, but I had just a funny little moment that relates to that in terms of self-education at a young age. So when I was very little, I would read – remember those Chicken Soup for the Soul books? I guess I was a dark, angsty little child, so I’d skip right to the “tough stuff” section. And there was this story were a mother was telling her [child] she had breast cancer, and she was telling her about the lump in her breast. And I didn’t really know how puberty happened, I thought they just suddenly appeared, fully grown. So when these little shapeless lump things started appearing, I thought I had breast cancer. So I sat my mom down…Laugther. “Mother, I’m a little bit worried.” And, um, yeah, I guess… I guess I consider myself pretty fortunate, in terms of – there’s no normal trajectory in terms of who starts early or who starts late with puberty. I started pretty in the middle, I must have been past 11 at least, so it was a little bit scary.

  I guess, sort of segueing a little bit, it’s really interesting now.. With IUDs, talking about that as well, I got mine, my first one, a little less than a month ago. I got the Mirena, which is a hormonal IUD. I chose that one because although the copper one is non-hormonal, there are period-related side effects, so if you’re predisposed to having cramps…?

  NERISSA: Yeah, so it basically makes your period a lot longer, and the bloodflow can be a little more. So my periods last like a week and a half. The longest is two weeks, so it can be a problem. But like I said, mine is once every two months.

  NATALIE: In terms of side effects, I read somewhere that those last only about six months and then your body gets used to it and it gets back to normal?

  NERISSA: Well, I’ve had it since I was 18, so for some people that might be the case… My periods were always kind of long…[inaudible] It’s gotten a few days longer because of the copper.

  EMILY: It sort of extends your baseline, it’s not that much of a change. But I was advised against getting the pill when I first went to my doctor for birth control in high school, because I have osteoporosis in my family, so it could potentially thin bone density. Side effects are always a risk, they don’t apply to everybody, but if there are certain things you’re already vulnerable to… my doctor advised against that. So, um, I mean, I was mostly using condoms, then, and then I used the diaphragm for a while, which nobody even talks about anymore, but that was given to me in high school. And then, after I got to college and I broke up with my highschool boyfriend, I mostly dated girls, so [laughs] that was a nice little, like, I don’t have to worry about that. Um, that was, um …

  And I’m dating a guy now, actually, for the first time since high school, so in terms of dealing with that, I um, I don’t know, we’re mostly using condoms, but with the talk of this administration, even though I was sort of, kind of casually interested in an IUD, I hadn’t seriously considered getting one, or felt like I was on the clock, until this past November. Um, and I was scared, because I heard different events – or different accounts – of people who had a really easy time and loved it and people who were miserable and screaming and crying and it was terrible and ultimately didn’t work. It varied from person to person. Most of the accounts I heard, though, were positive, and I was also just so terrified of the possibility of somehow whatever else I was using not working, and getting pregnant, and then not having any other option. Um, so I ended up getting an IUD.

  So it was just under a month ago, so I’m still kind of experiencing the adjustment period stuff, but it’s been very smooth for me. The actual insertion hurt like a motherfucker, but [laughs] it was um, I go local anesthetic, so um, glad I did that, and I was pretty crampy that day and then the next day, but it was mostly fine after that. Um, there was some spotting but nothing really intense. And now it’s like, I don’t feel it. Actually, yesterday was my first day teaching the gynecological exam to students with it in there, so I was like, “All right, so you’re going to see some strings there.” Um, and I was able to like, see it, ’cause I always want to make sure that they’re doing it correctly so I’ve got a mirror, going, “Yeah, that’s what you’re supposed to see, that’s what you’re looking for.” Um, before I had my follow up, so um, yeah, I was able to see it.

  CHARLOTTE: When you said that was your job, I immediately flashed back to like, my very first pap smear, and I don’t know why I had this reaction, but the speculum slid in and I just throughout the entire exam, I was laughing. I was like, “I cannot control this.” The doctor was like, “I’ve never had this reaction before.” [laughter] So I was very much, like, I guess I’m like, I don’t know if I have a tickle bone down there or like, what it is, but I guess I’m just special. Because you’ve never had this reaction. I’m like, huh, he probably shouldn’t have said that to me and made me feel like I’m the only person, ’cause I can’t be the only person to go into a giggle fit, you know, at a pap smear, but I did.

  NERISSA: That sounds like something that belongs in The Vagina Monologues.

  ALL: [laughter]

  CHARLOTTE: I know, every time I go I think about that first time and I’m like, “OK, don’t laugh, don’t laugh,” and then of course it just makes you laugh harder.

  EMILY: I feel like, because I’m actually, like … [inaudible] In terms of, I guess, my consultation for my IUD that I went to with a gynecologist … And, um, it was actually a different kind of experience because whenever I’m teaching a session, you know, it’s like, “All right, nobody touches me until I say exactly what you’re doing or not doing.” So, like, I have control of the room. It was a little, it was kind of different to be like, “All right, I’m sitting back and just letting you do what you’re going to do right now.”

  Um, and, I mean I, it’s not for everybody, this job, but I find it really empowering, in the sense that I’m spreading good out there in the world and being very firm about what’s not OK, don’t do this, and I feel like if I changed some perspectives, um, for people going into the medical field, then that’s good. And I mean, part of why I got that job, it’s from one of the same institutions in which I work as a standardized patient, I have several of those, I first got into that because I’ve had some really bad doctors, who made me feel terrible. And, you know, if I disclosed something really personally and loaded for me they would laugh or something. And, you know, I can’t necessarily go back to that person who did that to me when I was sixteen or something, you know, and demand that they apologize to me and to everybody else who they may have … But, in being able to do this, I’m kind of paying forward the good.

  Um, and yeah, I mean, I also, there’s just so many people who I don’t know if they haven’t been trained this way, or haven’t been trained this way well, by practically practicing it on somebody who knows what to do and what not to do, and can speak to a variety of perspectives, but there are a lot of people who think that, um, you know, like a speculum exam is supposed to be painful.

  And then they’ll hear you grimace and go “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know I know,” and it’s not supposed to be; that usually means you’re doing something wrong. Like, I always preface my instruction when we get to that part, I go, “So it’s not going to be fun; it’s not going to be relaxing; but it should not be painful, and if it is, you’re probably doing something wrong.” Um, yeah, so like, I mean I, whenever I teach it I usually do two sections in a row; that’s kinda typical for one day, and each section has about three students, so I’m getting like six pelvic exams back to back to back to back and, you know, since I kind of learn where are like, a couple of mistakes that people usually make I’m like, OK, so before, you know, I’ve got the thing down, I’m telling them what to do, I’m telling them, “Just don’t do these four things, and you’ll be fine,” and they don’t hurt me, and these are like early medical students. Doctors can do it right, and if they, you know, if they stopped us being like, “Um, oh, you know, the medical appointments – sometimes it’s going to hurt. You just have to suck it up…” the patients won’t have that perspective as well like, “Oh, going to the doctor’s; gonna be painful; I just need to grit my teeth and get through it…” like when it doesn’t have to be.

  CHARLOTTE: That’s really empowering to hear about.

  EMILY: At first, I was honestly like, I mean they mentioned it and I knew that it paid really well, rightly so. Like I mean in terms of the hourly, so I was interested in, you know, that, and I was… I mean also, like, some people are just not comfortable doing this, and that’s totally valid. It really is not for everybody. And I know some people that… I don’t know if I’d say you’d be surprised or you wouldn’t be surprised but a lot of the teaching associates, including myself, do have histories of, you know, sexual trauma. I have my own and I would have thought – and I may have had one or two times that something will affect me in a way that I hadn’t been anticipating typically. There have been a couple of times – that the first couple times I had male students I was a little bit – I thought it was making me nervous in a way that it usually doesn’t. I guess what sorta gets me still feeling good about it is that like I’m helping them, me being in a position of authority in that room. I feel very protected. I mean there’s monitors, and everything; you’re told that you can stop the section at any time if you need to. And, yeah, I just think because I also stress very heavily in my sections with my students that you have to be respectful of what somebody has  gone through and a lot of these are sometimes unintentional things that you might say, and get used to, and being very very self-aware. I don’t know, I think at first, I had a little bit of the attitude of like, “look how much this doesn’t bother me. I’m so OK with this!” Like, but no, actually, like right now I actually do think that like every time I teach I’m spreading good.

  RACHEL: I guess I can share a little bit. I don’t necessarily have anything planned, but listening to the other stories has made me think, “Wow, I have had some interesting experiences that these remind me of. Especially hearing you talk about your experience with Sex Ed. Which is interesting because I come from Massachusetts from like a liberal family. Both my parents are musicians. So I, in some ways, I never really realized that I wasn’t getting the full education? I mean I remember being a really little kid and in like kindergarten or something and my friend and I were in the bathroom and we were each in different stalls and she goes, “Hey, do you know what a period is?” And I was like, “Yeah, it’s like a certain set amount of time, right?” And she said, “No, no. My older sister told me it’s when you pee blood.” And I was like, “Oh, OK.” And it just didn’t really sound real to me. I was like, “Oh that must be some sort of weird medical condition or something. Alright.” And then I never thought about it again until, I was probably around eleven. And, I guess ten. Ten was when my mother sat me down and told me about periods. And I was like, “Oh my god, she was right!” And it was a very awkward and uncomfortable conversation and my mom was like, “Here’s this American Girl book about puberty.”

  [Laughter]

  So, I got most of my early, like, puberty education from American Girl. Thank you American Girl. They did a pretty good job. So I felt like I understood that pretty well. But then, you know, I got older and then like in middle school we had health class. And I think at some point we were supposed to have Sex Ed, but we never did. And it was a really – it was not a great school. It was – the public school system in the city where I lived was really really bad. It was a very underserved area. And the only thing I remember learning in health class was we were sitting and they handed us a piece of paper with a bunch of squares on it and they would say, “OK. We’re going to say an emotion, and you’re going to draw a picture of a face that is that emotion.” And that was the only thing I learned in eighth grade health class. That was it. That’s what we did.

  So then I got to highschool, and my mother gave me a Dear Abby pamphlet about sex. We didn’t even talk about it. She just was like, “Here, read this.” So I got some sex education from Dear Abby, I guess? And I remember reading it and there was one section about masturbation, and I was like, “Oh.” I had like a vague idea of what it was, and I remembered in the Dear Abby section she wrote, “Well, everyone masturbates. It’s just normal. Literally everyone does it.” And it, you know, it actually like, I was like, “Well, I never have.” And so it was just a sort of an interesting thing. I was like, “Does this even apply to me? I don’t know.” And so that was kind of weirdly alienating. And I was like, “Oh, everyone has? Really? OK.”

  And then in highschool we had health class that was again supposed to be Sex Ed but wasn’t. In ninth grade, er, no I guess it was sophomore year, our teacher came in and said, “Well you all by this point know what you need to know about sex.” So we talked a little but about STDs. We talked a lot about AIDS. I remember we had like an in-class debate about whether people with AIDS should have to carry, like, identification. And this was like a liberal, private school in Massachusetts. In retrospect, it makes me want to scream, but at the time I was like, “OK, whatever.” And yeah, so I still never really fully learned about sex. I just kind of like picked things up here and there from Dear Abby and TV or whatever and said, “Alright.”

  And then, when I got to college, I took, I randomly, even though I’m a drama major and an actor I was like, “You know, I really want to take a different kind of class. I could use some science in my life. So on a whim I took an emergency medical technician course. Cause I was like, “That would be cool.” And there was a section on, like, genitalia. We were going through, like, one of the early chapters is anatomy. So you have to know the name of like, everything in the body. And so there was like a little online quiz I had to do. And I was like, “OK, whatever I got this.” So I did like the male anatomy, er, the “male anatomy.” I did the penis. And I was like, “OK, yeah, great. I know the parts of like, ‘here’s the penis, there are the testicles.’ Good job.” And then when it came time to do the anatomy of like the vagina and like those associated reproductive organs? I failed the quiz. I could not put a label to all the different parts. And that just made me go, “Stop. Wait a minute. How is this possible? I literally have all these different thing in my body, and I literally… like I looked at it and I was like, “I don’t think I’ve ever even seen a picture of that anatomy before.” Like there were parts of it that I was like, “What is that? I don’t…” I didn’t recognize it. And that really frustrated me so much because for the first time I really realized that “Wait a minute. I didn’t learn all these things. I never learned these things.” And it was shocking to me because I had just assumed that because “Oh yeah, I grew up in Massachusetts.” Like “I know what I need to know.” And that I didn’t know what I needed to know. And so, that was a really eye-opening moment for me and it made me realize that I think a lot of problems that we have with discussions about reproductive health and reproductive rights and the fact that having your period doesn’t mean that you’re going to become a hormonal mess who is not able to function and not able to hold positions of power.

  I mean it just really made me realize that a huge part of that is that we just don’t educate ourselves and each other and our children and, I… yeah, it just made me so angry ‘cause I really realized that like, you know, even in, you know, liberal towns where we pat ourselves on the back and say, “Well we’re doing a good job. You know, it’s nothing like…” you know, we all want to revile the South or, you know, religious people and say, “Oh well it’s them. They’re the ones who aren’t doing it.” We’re not doing it either. And so that was really my moment of just like, wow. That really blew my mind. That I didn’t know what was in my own body, and I didn’t understand how it all worked. So, that’s my story I guess. Now I know, though. Bam.

  EMILY: When I was teaching yesterday, one of the students was saying like, “Well how much should I balance like the clinical terms with the layman’s terms” and I was like, “I think it’s good to sort of develop a middle ground through whatever education you can give by like, you know, we can use the word labia so they can be like, “Oh, I’ve heard the word labia! That’s my labia!”

  CHARLOTTE: What layman’s term was he going to use? Va-jay-jay?

  [laughter]

  EMILY: Well one of them was just, like, not saying anything, and I was like, “I think it’s good to talk through what you’re doing so not only can I be prepared for your touch as you go different places and be kind of forewarned if you move from one place to another, but also have an idea of what things are for me so that I can better, like as a patient, the more familiar you are with what’s going on with you, then you’re better able to seek out help if you notice that something is different or wrong or “I’m noticing this isn’t how it usually is. Maybe I should get help.” Yeah, especially, well, one thing in my big, like, before we start, and I always preface it like, “Here’s some things to just know throughout both exams. Is there is so much variation between like within what is all normal and healthy, and so you won’t see the same thing twice. Don’t get used to thinking, like, ‘this is, I see this and this is what’s normal.’” You know? With sizes and shapes and symmetry and all those things. There’s so much variation, so as you’re, you know, observing, you know, you begin a breast exam with just a visual. Of seeing, looking for any symptoms of scarring, of dimpling, of masses, things like that, and things that when you get into the manual exam and you begin palpating you might notice, “OK I might need to pay attention to that area.” But don’t like get people scared in advance. Because there’s so many things you might say, “Oh that might be a thing,” and it’s totally normal. There are lumps that appear and disappear hormonally at different times of your cycle. So just don’t get people prematurely nervous.

  NORA: I didn’t know that.

  [laughter]

  NORA: And then talking about, like, clinical terms, versus… and then diversity… like, I was listening to a podcast completely unrelated to reproductive health pretty much at all, but then reproductive health came up and they were saying that like, something that I had learned, they were saying that like lactobacillus is like what keeps, like, the “female,” air quotes, reproductive system healthy. And then this scientist was saying like, “Actually, like, that assumption is based on experiments and studies mostly done on white women, and actually, like, different people, like depending on where you grew up and depending, like, if you’re a person of color, like sometimes your bacterial footprint – which is not a great term – but like your bacterial footprint in your reproductive system as well as the rest of your body could be completely different and you could be just as healthy as someone who has, like, you know, like, all the lactobacillus going on. But because, like, just because of who you are and like where you grew up and like all these different factors, like, you might not have that. And so I was just thinking how interesting that is ‘cause I was always taught, like this is like, your reproductive organs are healthy because of this, this, and this, and I was like, “cool” but like it just didn’t even occur to me that my experience could be so radically different from that of a person of color and I mean not only in the, like, external things of like, I have had the privilege to always have health insurance, you know? My parents were not great about sex education, but you know at least they were willing to talk through it. And I always had a wonderful – I grew up with a great pediatrician who was willing to talk to me and gave me great recommendations for doctors, you know, and so not only is it that like macro level of, you know, my general health being cared for but like the micro level of like what keeps me healthy versus what keeps someone else healthy. And that was just fascinating to me ‘cause I was like, “Whoa.” Um, yeah.

  I guess I can share then, if no one…? Um, so, again, I was planning on sharing anything, but, feeling very empowered. I am a queer nonbinary person and that’s kind of been a thing that’s been coming out for many years. But one of the things that I was super, like that really gave me a lot of empowerment within my own body to live in a way that made me feel really comfortable, especially around my period, is the – this is stupid – it’s not stupid, it’s a legitimate thing – a Diva Cup.

  [Laughter]

  CHARLOTTE: That’s the only way to go.

  NORA: Yeah! So my first year of college, I had – I was –until high school, I was afraid to use tampon. My parents raised me Catholic so I had all these preconceived notions about what virginity is. And so I always used pads, and then one day I really wanted to go swimming. And you can’t wear a pad in the swimming pool, I was like “fuck it, I’m just gonna do this!” And I like, inserted a tampon. And I was like, “that was great, that was life-changing.” But then when I went to college I was like “well… this is cool…” but like, feeling weirdly comfortable and not comfortable in my body during this whole coming out process meant that I was like, having a weird emotional relationship with my period. And I went to – my college was a very wonderful liberal arts school in Minnesota – we yearly have a reproductive justice week and a menstrual health panel which is part of that. I ended up going to the menstrual health panel because they were like “the first people who come get a free Diva Cup.” And I was like “what is that? Is that just a mug that says ‘diva’ on it?”

  [Laughter]

  NORA: Like, that was literally my imagination of what a Diva Cup was. And I was like “well I need a mug for my room, so I may as well go.” And I get there and they hand me this thing and I’m like “what is this?” And people came out, and talked about their experiences with like, reproductive and menstrual health, and, you know, being a person who has a period rather than a woman, and what that means, um, just in general. And then they were like “also, Diva Cups! Here’s a whole bunch of information about it. Here are personal – us speaking about how amazing our experience with menstrual cups has been.” I feel like I shouldn’t be saying “Diva Cup” because it’s like saying “Kleenex” instead of tissue?

  CHARLOTTE: Menstrual cup.

  EMILY: I use the “Blossom.”

  NORA: Yeah! Anyway, so, using menstrual cups. And I was like, “okay,” so I went down to the only single stall… around that time, my college, which was becoming more and more trans-friendly, started putting out maps like “here are all the single-stall bathrooms on campus,” which was dope. So there was one in the basement of my building, so I was like ok. So I go down and lock myself in the bathroom, next to the laundry room, and I was like “ok. Gonna do this.” So I, like, inserted it, and it was kinda weird to get used to. But all of a sudden it was like “I feel amazing.” It was so – all of the concern about, like, being an athlete, for example, on a period; being a performer, someone who shares dressing rooms with people of all genders. Just, all of that concern gone in a moment. It was just so freeing to be able to have a period but not have to think about it except twelve hours which is when you really should change your menstrual cup.

  NATALIE: It’s so metal, right? Like a blood goblet.

  NORA: Laughs. Yeah! And like, the people who were like – I don’t mean to use hippie-dippy in a derogatory term – they’re like, “yeah, I was abroad, and I ended up using it to water my plants with!” And I’m like “ok, that’s a little weird.”

  [Laughter.]

  NORA: But still, it made me think about – because then, she – this person was like, “oh, well, think about how much nutrients are in the period blood,” and the excretions, because it’s not just blood, but all of that stuff, she’s like “it’s got so much nutrients, so much good stuff, and if you dilute it with water it’s actually very good for plants!”

  NATALIE: Oh! I thought they were saying they’d go to the sink and fill it up and take a bunch of trips.

  [Laughter]

  NATALIE: That actually makes more sense.

  CHARLOTTE: I was imagining her, whoever it was, carrying it out from the bathroom and putting that on the plants.

  [Laughter]

  NORA: Yeah, no, that’s not good for plants. But apparently if you mix it with water it’s pretty good for plants. But yeah, it’s like, really awesome, and I was trying to preach it to my friends, especially my queer non-binary friends who slowly started using it. But I think, just going back to the moment of privilege, it’s like, the fact that menstrual cups can be upwards of $40, and the fact that my college was like “we’re going to give this to you for free” was so amazing, and I was so grateful for that particular event as well as the culture of that college I went to, just being, like, “hey! Let’s be open about our reproductive health, and reproductive justice, and the ways that, you know, we don’t necessarily think of reproductive justice being linked with racial justice or to other forms of justice and other forms of activism.” It was just really empowering, again, on the macro level, and on the micro level… I feel like I can be a person while on my period. Just being a person who has a period, rather than, in some ways defined by my period. Which seems like a very… kind of indelicate – not indelicate – inaccurate way of saying it, but I think that’s the point I’m trying to get across. Definitely if you have not used it and if you are thinking about it, I highly recommend trying a menstrual cup.

  NATALIE: It can take a while to get used to.

  NORA: It can take a while to get used to. There’s a curve.

  CHARLOTTE: And the more you’re stressed out, the worse it’s gonna be.

  NORA: That’s true.

  EMILY: It’s all about staying calm and relaxed.

  NERISSA: I know what it looks like, someone showed me one one time, I know it sits up there. But I’ve never used one, I’ve never been given the spiel, so would you guys mind…?

  NATALIE: You kind of fold it. There’s a couple different ways you can fold it. So it’s like, rubber, and the way that works for me is… I can’t show it with my hands…

  EMILY: Um…

  CHARLOTTE: We have a professional!

  EMILY: Well, I was sort of ready for it, because I use a diaphragm, and a diaphragm is smaller, and it works kind of in the same way. Sort of … It’s like rubber so it bends, but not like this, sort of a smaller thing of … sort of in this shape, but smaller, to scale. I’m holding a small water bottle, by the way, eight ounce, but like one ounce, so like, one eighth of this.

  NERISSA: OK.

  EMILY: Sort of in this shape. And then you can sort of [crinkles water bottle] fold the top so it goes up, so if you’re sitting over the toilet so you are expanded a little bit and then it just [clicks tongue].

  LILY: And then you can spin it around to get it to open and if it’s too tough – this was the problem I had, uh, when I first started using one – if it’s too tough, uh, boil it for fifteen minutes and it’ll get soft.

  NERISSA: What do you do?

  LILY: Boil it for fifteen minutes and it’ll get softer.

  EMILY: And you can boil it in between periods to sterilize it. I put it in with a speculum.

  NERISSA: Do you have to replace it every few years or, uh, like every year or every certain amount –

  NORA: They say you should do it every year, but I’ve been going on almost four years with mine.

  CHARLOTTE: Same here, I’ve never –

  NORA: So.

  CHARLOTTE: I should . I should treat myself.

  [laughter]

  CHARLOTTE: I deserve a new Diva Cup.

  EMILY: [indistinct] If you boil it for five minutes, it’s sterile.

  CHARLOTTE: I don’t remember my first period, but I do remember the first time I used a tampon. And it was like a pool situation where I was, like, invited to a birthday party. I was in, like, sixth or seventh grade, and I could not get the damn tampon in. I could not do it. I didn’t really understand fully I guess where my vagina was and I just wasn’t having luck. My mother is a nurse, so I said, “Mommy dearest, can you please help me?” So there I laid down on the bed, legs akimbo, and she inserted the tampon for me.

  And I went, and it was great, but I always felt like, especially a fresh tampon was, like, really uncomfortable, and when I got into college, I used a sea sponge for a while, which is kind of like a Diva Cup. Like, you put it in there, but then when you’re taking it out you really need, like, a sink, and you’re like, washing it out and there’s so much blood, and since I was, like, a film student I recorded the shit out of that. Like, I have so much footage of menstrual blood, and I interviewed people about their periods and I have all this footage which I never did anything with [laughs] maybe someday, yes, maybe someday I’ll go back.

  But once I got – after I had my, my, my firstborn and my period came back like nine months later, I was like, “I’m trying this Diva Cup.” ‘Cause I got into cloth diapers and the cloth diaper place sold, sold Diva Cups. So I was like, so excited to get my period to try out the Diva Cup. I do have to empty it more frequently. Like the first day or two for me is, like, super heavy, so it’ll be, like, four times a day I have to, like, change it out, but then towards the end, like one day I can totally just forget I’m on my period. It’s so nice because you don’t have to think about it, you know, you don’t have to like, “Oh, I’m just, I’m so nonchalantly going to grab a tampon and quietly” – ‘cause you don’t want anyone to know that you’re on your freakin’ period.

  And, um, I think people do need to be better educated on the Diva Cup, that it’s, like, an option and exists, but everybody needs to just get over the fact that, like, periods even happen. At, like, the Women’s March on Washington, I got my period the weekend before and I was like, “Sweet, I don’t have to deal with this at the march.” But then getting down at the march, and, like, seeing those lines for the Port-a-Potties, I was just like, “I feel bad for any – there’s gotta be a woman who’s here on her period, and I am sorry.”

  NATALIE: What if we all synced up at the Women’s March?

  [laughter]

  NERISSA: OK, speaking of, just speaking of awesome, empowering things about periods, um, if none of you guys have heard it, um, I really like good slam poetry, and, um, one of my friends introduced me to The Period Poem. I know I sent it to you [gestures to LILY] at one point. And this woman, um, taught her daughter – and I absolutely love this story – her, her daughter, basically, when she started her period she came out of the bathroom looking like she had died and she was like, “This is the worst thing ever!” So she threw a period party, and all of her friends came, dressed in red, and they had red food, red everything. And then, a few weeks later, or, um, maybe it was a few years later, but, uh, at one point her daughter saw this tweet and sent it to her mom, and this guy on Twitter, exact quote, “My girlfriend started her period during sex. I dumped that bitch immediately.” End quote. So she wrote this poem that was an anatomy lesson infused with feminist politics tearing this guy to shreds. And it’s the greatest thing ever, so if you guys are ever interested –

  NATALIE: Can you share it on the event page?

  NERISSA: Uhhh, I – I – I’m sure I can, um, yeah, so um, I can get it from you …

  LILY: Yeah.

  NERISSA: But, um, I will absolutely share it. It’s fantastic.

  EMILY: There’s also Cameron Esposito’s, like, period joke thing …

  NERISSA: Oh, my body is killing my body while the blood of my body is coming out of my body. Yeah.

  NATALIE: I liked something that I saw on Tumblr. Um, where someone was talking about, like, if you think of your uterus as, like – it’s actually horrible – but it’s like, like a scenario of, like, an abusive relationship where someone is there, like, comes into your house and builds this nursery every month and is like, “Oh, I can’t wait for the baby. I’m so excited. This is going to be great.” And you’re like, “Wait, what? What?” And then when the time comes they’re like, “Wait, we’re not having? What? No?” And it starts, like, tearing the room apart, like, throwing furniture out, and then as soon as that’s done, they’re like, “OK, let’s build up the nursery again, and it’s going to be so great.” Just like every month.

  EMILY: So actually, this was a recent thing, and I’m going to try very hard not to use names of institutions …

  NATALIE: We can always edit it out.

  EMILY: Yeah, maybe edit it out. So, um, I, um, like I said, I teach at a lot of medical schools, and some of them, so technically you’re allowed to teach on your period, like, but there have been students that would freak out. Medical students, right? So I would just, like, avoid doing it myself. Like I had some of my training days on my period, but I would just switch with somebody if I knew it was coming. Mostly for my comfort, like I didn’t want to have to deal with the mess. And I also knew, I’ve heard horror stories of people saying, “Oh, yeah, this med student just, like, stayed by the door, and like, refused to do it.” Stuff like that.

  One day, though, I’m signed up and I got it right before, like the night before as I was going to bed when I was supposed to be there at eight a.m. the next morning. And then, you know, I’m setting up and I ask for some extra Chux to, like, you know, absorb. And the coordinator was like, “Oh, oh, you’re on your period? Yeah, yeah, they don’t like that.” Fortunately the students I was working with, and I was like, all apologetic. I wish that I were more like, “Yeah, I’ve got it and you’ve gotta deal with it. You’re going to be doctors.” But like, I know, I felt this like, need to be like, “Sorry …”

  CHARLOTTE: We apologize for everything all the time.

  EMILY: Yeah, yeah, exactly. Social conditioning and all that jazz. Um, but, I um, shortly after, all of the [teaching associates] saying that at this institution, and I don’t know if it was because of me or somebody else, saying that we’re not allowed to teach on our periods anymore. Um, like, that, so like hashtag menstrualban. And I don’t like teaching on my period, but that night, like, I didn’t know it was coming. Mine isn’t, like, on-the-clock regular. Like, it varies by a couple of days. I don’t want to, like, if I think it’s coming and then it doesn’t, I don’t want to cheat myself out of work.

  NATALIE: It’s their job. They’re doctors. They’re going to have to deal with this at some point.

  EMILY: Yeah, yeah, exactly, they need to not freak out. They were talking about like, if you have five rooms teaching and one of them has it, then it’s not an equal experience throughout. But on the other hand, we don’t have the same size breasts or anything. Everybody’s dealing with variation. You can’t standardize that. And they’re not going to have a standard experience every time they have a patient, so ugh, you know, so …

  And I was like, so mad about this, and I also knew a lot of other instructors that are totally fine teaching on it. And I was able to get through that day. It wasn’t my favorite day of teaching, but I was able to earn my paycheck and give them the same educational experience, just with some extra blood.

  That was ultimately lifted just because they didn’t know how to enforce it. They were like, “Do we spend extra money to hire somebody to be on standby who doesn’t have it and then the might work and they might not?” I was saying my main issues was like, “I don’t know if it’s gonna come, and I want to abide by your rules, but I’ve had times when I might just get it that morning when I show up.” Even though I didn’t like working on it, I didn’t like there being a rule dictating that I could or couldn’t. Eh …

  CHARLOTTE: I think everyone, regardless of like your gender identity or your sexual identity, everyone needs to thank a uterus, because that’s where you spent like, nine months. And just like say uterus, say vagina, say sex without laughing or without whispering. Don’t be like [whispers] “I had sex last night. In my vagina.” You know? And like everyone needs to – and I think there’s a lot of religion that’s wrapped up in that, and there’s a lot of people who are just like, “I won’t do politics.” And I had a woman literally run out of my house like she was on fire when I just mentioned Ben Carson’s name. She was just like, “I can’t do politics.” I was like, “Well, you’re a girl and you get your period. Do you think your pads and tampons should be taxed? Guess what? You’re dealing with politics right there.” And I think that has to stop. It’s so easy for men to get their Viagra, right, but anything when it comes to our vaginas, it’s, like, way too taboo. They don’t want to even talk about it.

  EMILY: Also, did you hear about that situation with the male birth control pills? The side effects were just “too much.” [inaudible] We get the same side effects.

  RACHEL: What do you think we’ve been dealing with?

  CHARLOTTE: Men are so delicate. I see it in my husband, and I love him, and he considers himself a feminist, but when he gets a cold, it’s just like., the worst, and he can’t do anything. But when I get a cold, I still have to wipe five household butts: the two dogs, the two boys, and my own. I can’t just pull up the covers and hide, I have to deal with things. And I think women, because we have to deal with things when we’re on our period it’s easier for us to handle that shit because we have to handle that shit.

  NATALIE: Do you remember when Hillary got pneumonia and still worked five times harder than anyone and still got shit for it?

  CHARLOTTE: Yes. Which was also an unfortunate situation, because that’s when she dropped that “basket of deplorables,” which —

  NATALIE: I think that’s a great phrase.

  CHARLOTTE: It’s a great phrase, but I think if she hadn’t been dealing with pneumonia maybe she wouldn’t have said that and it would have been small things that maybe –

  NATALIE: She still won the popular –

  CHARLOTTE: Yes, yes –

  EMILY: I think it’s one of those [indistinct] things where you can’t win either way. Because either you’re too studied, or when you let loose a tiny bit, then it’s like “Mmm, can’t do that.”

  NATALIE: With the politics thing, though, I hear that a lot, like, “I can’t get into politics.” And it reminds me of this really, I forget who said or wrote this, and it always gives me goosebumps, I think it was some communist writer, um, “You may not be interested in war, but war is interested in you.” And that’s kind of how I feel about politics in general. It’s never just politics, it always comes back to people, because that’s what it’s about. Especially right now, with these very direct attacks. It’s going to affect you either way, so either you can talk about it and do something or you can not, but it’s coming, so yeah …

  What I really want, though, is to get my tubes tied, basically, and I – again – with all the sex ed stuff, I don’t even actually know what that means, or what that would look like. Is there like a little clip? Do they staple? I don’t know. But that’s what I want. And I know no one’s going to do it on me because I’m twenty-four, but I can’t get pregnant, because then I’d have to go off of my medication, and I would go crazy, and then terrible things would happen.

  NORA: [indistinct] So Angelina Jolie, family hero, she had a double mastectomy and then ended up –

  NATALIE: Was that after the mastectomy?

  NORA: Yeah. She was not only at risk for breast cancer, which is why she had the double mastectomy, but also she was at risk for, um, I think she may have even had endometriosis, but I think she was also at risk for, like, fallopian cancer.

  NATALIE: My concern is that I don’t already have kids, I’m not old enough, and I’m not at risk for any of those things, so –

  NORA: It’s an elective surgery –

  LILY: It’s an elective surgery, but most doctors will not perform it on a young woman, even if she says she doesn’t want kids.

  NATALIE: [indistinct] My OBGYN, I didn’t even bring it up, but she mentioned it, like, as a joke, after I already, like, alluded to the fact that I don’t want to be pregnant ever. I was like, “Well, guess if it ever happens, it’s not gonna be from you.”

  LILY: They will perform vasectomies on young men, though, so there’s that.

  NATALIE: Yeah, but those are reversible.

  LILY: Those are reversible.

  NATALIE: I get it –

  LILY: I kind of get it, but I think that there are more things than just one’s reversible and the other isn’t.

  NATALIE: Yes, yes.

  LILY: Anyway, I’m sorry, Nerissa was going to say something.

  NERISSA: No, I’m fine. But I just wanted to say, the entire time you were telling your story – I feel the exact same way. The idea of a parasite growing inside of me for nine months and then tearing its way out through my vagina is a little terrifying.

  NATALIE: It fractures you’re pelvis, like, ugh.

  CHARLOTTE: OK, I was of that mindset before, where I didn’t want to get married, I didn’t want to have kids, but then I got out of a horrible relationship and then wasn’t looking for love, I met someone and, once, for me, I met a person and saw in him qualities that I didn’t see in anyone else, and was like, “Oh my God, I want to have this man’s baby.” And then there were all these health issues that came about, and I didn’t have the option of going off medication, and there were all of these MS medications that were supposed to be well-tolerated, but there haven’t been many studies because there aren’t a lot of pregnant women with MS lining up to be like, “Hey, I’ll be your guinea pig, and my fetus, too.” But I decided this was my only option and I went for it and everything ended up being fine. You know, so, like, yes, there are – You’re young and your, your ideas might change, you know, in time, but I can understand in your situation, wanting to do that, and wanting to adopt and everything is something I always thought I would do, because I didn’t think I would have kids, so, things, things can  change in ways you don’t anticipate.

  NATALIE: I just wanted to say, I was in a relationship with someone who was my best friend for three years, and I had wanted to marry him, and even then, I knew I wanted to raise children with him. I still was really unsure about the whole pregnancy thing. And then, um, so we’re not together anymore, and since then I’ve gotten a more complete diagnosis of my mental illness and I, I really cannot go off of medication, let alone deal with the hormones of pregnancy. I would be at high, high risk for postpartum depression. And it’s just like –

  CHARLOTTE: And after the baby’s born, you’re not sleeping, so like, that’s not good for anyone’s mental health.

  NATALIE: No, it’s like, a really good recipe for the worst mental breakdown ever. [indistinct] But I just really want to have kids, but I freak out –

  CHARLOTTE: I think it’s a shame that your OB/GYN won’t recognize that, like, “She’s smart, she’s sensible. This is her body, her choice.” It works that way, too.

  NATALIE: I mean, hopefully – Does anyone think that that’s like, a realistic thing for me to expect any doctor to actually consider? I mean, like, I did have cancer, so that helps. Worth it!

  ANONYMOUS: I knew someone who badgered her doctor for years, badgered about getting her tubes tied for years, and finally was able to do it when she was thirty.

  NATALIE: I should have started sooner, then.

  EMILY: I think it’s good, also just like, working with the idea of those being two separate questions, of whether you want to have kids and whether you want to get pregnant. Right? Like, as a queer person, you know, my longest relationship was with a girl, and we’re not together anymore, but when we would talk about kids in a hypothetical future kind of way, I was never interested in carrying – bearing children, and she was interested in bearing children, so I was like, “All right.”

I was also thinking about if I want kids, which I’m not sure I do right now, but in the hypothetical if-world, if that were to change, I would be more inclined to adopt than to actually have children. And just because I haven’t always been in a heterosexual relationship, that hasn’t alway been my assumed role, right? With that not being evolved into my way of thinking … I was actually talking to some of my childhood best friends, and I was like, “Well, I don’t know if I want kids, and if I did, I’d probably look at adoption first.” And it was so crazy to me, one of my best friends said, “Well, I don’t know if I could love an adopted kid as much as one who was mind.” And I was like, “But if you’re committing to raising that kid, and you raise it, it’s yours.”

  CHARLOTTE: She’s not someone who would ever consider adoption.

  EMILY: No, no. And like –

  CHARLOTTE: Because no one seriously considering adoption would ever feel that way.

  NERISSA: I guess at least she’s being honest.

  EMILY: Yeah, which, like, I appreciate honesty, but I also think it speaks to something deeper.

  NERISSA: Yeah.

  NATALIE: Ooh, it’s four, it’s almost five, we actually have the space until six. I was planning to break down at 5:15, but because it’s a smaller group we can take our time more. Does anyone else have something they’d want to share, or should we move onto the next part … ?

  NERISSA: I do just have one other thing I want to throw out there. The aversion to having children, isn’t just me not wanting to have a kid in my body, my mom also had a lot of birth complications. Her blood pressure skyrocketed so much that she nearly died when she was having me.

  CHARLOTTE: Preeclampsia?

  NERISSA: Yeah, yeah. It got to the point, where she and my dad had wanted three kids, but they said, “No, we’re going to stop here.” And it’s 100% genetic, so if the mom has it, the kids are going to have the same complications and so on and so forth. So, um, not only is it the fact of carrying a kid inside of me, and the hormones, and the migraines, but also, just I love my mom, and if she wasn’t here I would be worse off for it. And that idea terrifies me, so I don’t even want to take the risk. And a lot of my really good friends were adopted and raised in fantastic homes, and I would really love to be able to give that kind of life to a child who wouldn’t have a home otherwise.

  CHARLOTTE: Being pregnant sucks. I’m not one of those people who’s like “Oh, it’s so magical!” I was like, “Oh my God.” With the first one, it was constant heartburn and with my medical issues, I had to go into the doctor’s twice a week, and by the time I was thirty weeks, it was every week, so being pregnant was like a full time job. And with the second one, oh, I was puking all the time. And it’s still extremely risky. Like if you look at the maternal survival rates for America you’re like, “Is this right?” Because it’s nowhere near where you’d expect it to be in our society of modern medicine. And I know people who have done like, home births and hospital births, but every time, things don’t go the way you expect them to. Things go wrong. I had two c-sections and it was not what I wanted in either case, but I survived and my children survived. But there’s a lot more to it than just being alive that I think we can make better in American medicine, but I don’t really see that happening any time soon. Yeah, there’s a lot involved in deciding, yeah, whether to carry.

  [indistinct]

  NERISSA: So what’s the next part, out of curiosity?

  NATALIE: So yeah, we have some posters that I’m going to take pictures of for USDAC so we can share our thoughts visually, so if we move the chairs back, and write on that, I have all different color markers.

  I also brought, just kind of on a whim, some postcards. I thought that would be a fun action item. I have postcard stamps. You can write to your representative, or to anyone, on any topic. I’m probably going to write to Paul Ryan and write him a nice little note yelling at him.

  END