#so I’ve forgotten a loooooot

[cerealmonster15]

Listening to realtime vfx podcast again and tryingggggg to kick some inspiration into my brainnnnn

[soobnny]

as someone in their (premed) internship right now, i would love to add to the vote of having either seungmin or minho.

i could imagine either of them prepping some sort of meal cuz the reader most probably had a toxic shift and couldn’t eat right 🥺 coming home to them being gentle and soft and just— i wanna melt in someone’s arms pls i’m so tired 🧎🏻‍♀️

also, i’ve been your reader for a while now but i don’t think i’ve ever interacted with you directly! I think you’re an amazing writer 🤍

now why’d you read my mind. i have a bit written for it already! it’s gonna be a pr short drabble but that’s how short i write my little slices of life fics. btw, fighting anon !! my sister is in her residency now so i know that it rly is very tiring (but u can do it)

also thank u :( it means a loooooot. esp bc i honestly think i’ve forgotten how to write after taking a 5 month break

[tarot-junkie]

Ive been perusing off and on. Making observations as I dabble in/do a pulse check on other fandoms. I’m curious. I’m working on energy to get back into reading. It’s been hard, because my mental energy is not in the right headspace for readings. I draw cards and go completely blank. And it’s super frustrating, because it’s not clicking right now. So I’m trying to occupy my brain in the meantime. And I’m sorry I’ve been awful about responding. Soon.

I was reading around the internet on this topic before, and said I would have some feedback. Consider this part 1.

When I look at other fandoms I see the same examples of:

Proof of location via some surrounding item in a social media post (a countertop, a bed frame) and not always posts by the main character, either.

Checking into relationship validity via follows on social media. Sometimes follows of follows….and watching their updates to keep tabs.

Confirmation of location via time that the social media posts are made.

People looking at/for reflections and what they contain.

People emailing/contacting normal folks to verify data when a “sighting” happens. Pretending to be someone or something they’re not bc…well that’s just too much.

Hate accounts that cross-pollinate from one social media platform to another, and are well-known.

The assumption that the females are “bad” for their dudes (ok some might be… but STILL).

Some people who gatekeep data BUT I will say, some fandoms explain (pretty rationally maybe?) WHY they gatekeep and they discuss how they validate their sources. This is interesting.

The threat of doxxing is high on the lists for almost all, in some respect or another.

The assumption that either the actual celebrity OR some of the significant others are on tumblr, and loose association that “proves” it. It’s usually some rando Carol Burnett ear-tug scenario.

In most cases, wild conspiracy theories abound about the love lives, usually in the form of some succubus ingenue…who needs press and persuasion to MAKE IT BIG in the business.

Or this person is dating a racist (hear me out) based on 10 yr old tweets or affiliations dug out of the abyss. Can cite Jakey G, Henry C , Chris E and Ben B as examples where this was brought up. Which is not to say things don’t REEK from the disgusting posts made, but it is absolutely something people look for. Is it more gross that it’s not that hard to find, sometimes? Sad. Gross. Check check.

Or sexuality is ambiguous, which encompasses some part of the discussion. (This happens a LOOOOOOT too). Saw this for years in the Jakey g fandom, and dozens of others.

They always date some random midwesterner 😂😂 apparently the Evan Peters fandom is experiencing this knee-high-by-July uni-CORN bread gf now? Idk.

People automatically assuming a new couple is “endgame” regardless of the rumor starting yesterday or 2 years ago. lol. I’ve seen this seeeeveral times.

Some, not all, have either particular tarot readers- or are asked about frequently.(I find the ones asking about Leo D…I think that guy is who he is. And that’s that. Snooze).

This is barely scratching the surface, considering I’ve not ventured into the Styles and BTS dumpster fires. ✌️

If I’ve forgotten any items, feel free to let me know in the comments.

[latenightsushi]

I did one of these posts a while ago but then got really self-conscious and deleted it, so I thought I’d give it another go ✌🏻

Here are some fun facts about me, in case you were curious about the blogger ✨

+ I’ve studied five languages: English, Chinese, French, Japanese, and Korean. Aside from English, I’m most comfortable with Chinese and least proficient in Japanese, though I’m forever hoping to take some time to review what I’ve forgotten.

+ When I was younger, I did horseback riding for over a decade, along with martial arts for a much shorter length of time and various other activities my parents signed me up for: swimming, ice skating, gymnastics, saxophone, trumpet (though I chose the last two - I have no idea what I was thinking lol).

+ As an adult, I started riding horses again after a 10+ year hiatus; I’m also a former pole dancer, certified yoga instructor, and beginner longboarder 🛹

+ I attended a very competitive university (with heavy dark academia vibes), but the experience was pretty intense, so I don’t think I’ll ever find myself in that kind of environment again.

+ After graduation, I moved to Seoul and lived there for two years. Looking back, I definitely partied a loooooot (lol), but I also met my husband while I was over there, so it was a real life-defining period of time for me.

+ I'm in my 30s and have been with my husband for over a decade. We're child-free and have one cat 🐈‍⬛

+ I live in Chicago at the moment and work from home full time, so my posts feature my home office along with photos of art, delicious food, and my travels ◡̈

This blog has been an amazing creative outlet for me, so I’m really thankful and appreciative of anyone who shows interest in my posts 🙏🏻 Thank you all, and I hope things are going well for you, wherever you are.

[kolbisneat]

MONTHLY MEDIA: January 2021

A new year but this monthly recap of media consumed keeps on keeping on! Here’s how January shaped up.

……….FILM……….

Little Shop of Horrors (1986) I’d forgotten how bonkers the ending is. Just so much fun and hopefully someday I’ll be able to check a stage production of the musical. Funny and horrifying in a way that only the absurd can be.

Time Bandits (1981) Just surreal. I wasn’t exaaaactly sure what to expect but somehow it completely delivered. I love a good fantasy picaresque. Silly and sincere but perhaps not the best pacing, I still love the whole premise and execution.

A Simple Favor (2018) In looking up what year this was released, it appears to be billed as a black comedy and...okay. It’s absolutely a weird movie and maybe putting it into a category is unfair. Some of the twists definitely feel like they’d work better in a book. I sound like I hated the movie but I mean...it kept me hooked the entire runtime, but I’m not sure I’d recommend it. Like I said, it’s a weird one.

……….TELEVISION……….

Chernobyl (Episode 1.01 to 1.05) Oofadoof. I mean I knew it was going to be bleak, but I wasn’t expecting the parallels to the current situation (science denial, underplaying severity due to politics, and just a general attitude of “I can’t see it so it’s fine”) to really hit home. Not for the faint of heart but really fantastic television for those that can stomach it.

Superstore (Episode 1.01 to 1.11) After Chernobyl, we needed something a little...lighter. It’s one of those sitcoms where you don’t reeeeeally need to watch them in any order, and it’s nice and light and fun. I mean I was sold on the idea that the co-lead is Ginsberg from Mad Men.

The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina (Episode 4.01 to 4.08) Across four seasons there were absolutely a couple episodes that really delivered on the premise (or at least what I had hoped from the series). Batibat! The “TV” episode! All good stuff. But the rest of the time it just felt like it both had too much going on (in the background) and not enough happening (in the foreground). And I was shocked, SHOCKED, at the implications of the very last scene. Why include this?!? Anyway I might check out the comics in the hopes that it delivers a little better.

The Bachelor (Episode 25.01 to 25.04) This season started strong, but I’ll admit that Victoria feels like a villain from the early 2000s and this past episode (where new contestants are introduced) felt like the show at its worst (mean-spirited, focusing on women fighting each other, and at the same time kinda dull). Will it get better? I mean hell if I should know. 

The Stranger (Episode 1.01 to 1.08) Solid British mystery series and Rupert from Ted Lasso makes an appearance! The season started with some...frustrating decisions being made, but the series evens out after a few episodes and most of the characters learn from their questionable decisions so overall, a satisfying watch.

……….READING……….

Lords and Ladies by Terry Pratchett (Complete) I’ve always loved Pratchett’s writing and Discworld is, without a doubt, my favourite fantasy setting. It really feels like he’s hit his stride with balancing fantasy tropes, novel ideas, his humour, and his good-natured characters. Fantastic read and I can’t recommend this series enough. If you’re looking for an alternative to grimdark fantasy, this is it.

Animal Wife by Lara Ehrlich (Complete) A beautiful collection of short stories that almost feels like a collection of long-form poetry. There’s a rhythm and musicality to each entry that is unlike anything I’ve read before. Perhaps not as over-the-top or...fun...as the cover would hint at, but it’s still a collection I 100% recommend.

Feel it Out by Jordan Sondler (Complete) While certainly not a replacement for therapy, it’s great to have a lot of general advice and support in a concise, beautifully illustrated format! Check out Sondler’s work and if it resonates, so will this book.

Doctor Strange and Doctor Doom: Triumph and Torment by Roger Stern, Mike Mignola, Kevin Nowlan, and more (Complete) Having only seen Doctor Doom in a few cartoons and the movies, this is still my best introduction to the character and gives a glimpse as to why he’s such a good villain. It actually works well at introducing both Doctors and has a great inciting incident as to why these two join forces. Really great reread and now I want more stories of both characters!

Silver Surfer Black by Donny Cates, Tradd Moore, and Dave Stewart (Complete) Rereading this cause I love how concise, fantastical, and psychedelic it all is! This and Cosmic Ghost Rider (who I’m just learning was also written by Cates) are two of my top reads of recent Marvel stuff so I plan on checking out his Guardians of the Galaxy and Dr. Strange offerings next!

……….AUDIO……….

Off Menu (Podcast) Love the concept (interviewing mostly comedians on their ideal meal) and the hosts are excellent.

The Chernobyl Podcast (Podcast) An excellent compliment to the series and I wish more series would dive into production like this; I love a good peek behind the curtain.

……….GAMING……….

Inside (Playdead) So atmospheric and spooky and probably the upper limit for me, as far as “scariness” in games is concerned. It does a great job of changing things up and each puzzle really feels like a set piece. No filler and I’m only now just mentioning how beautiful the game is. 100% recommend.

Hades (Supergiant Games) I wasn’t sure I’d like it (Roguelike games are not my jam) but this is proving to be a loooooot of fun! Though I have a deep love of Greek mythology so there’s probably some bias creeping in. Anyway I’m knee-deep in this and am more than happy to chat about it if you’re playing as well.

Neverland: A Fantasy Role-Playing Setting (Andrews McMeel Publishing) Holiday special has wrapped up and now the group is stuck in a hive of giant insects! The longer recap is on Reddit and is chock full of hexcrawling details.

And that’s it! As always, let me know if you have anything to suggest and happy Sunday!

[queerdoctorofthe1600s]

Here you goooooo!!!!

age: 15?

pronouns and gender: you’ve used loooooots of pronouns, and I’m always looking back to be sure I call you the right ones, I’m sorry, I’ll figure it out, I couldn’t tell you what your gender is for the life of me— why am I forgetting thiiiiiings!!!!

zodiac sign: hmmmmmmmm..... why is all my knowledge about you escaping me— I think you’re a Capricorn—

romantic status: taken!!!

eye color: brooooown?

hobbies: you like art, and writing, and you have a cat, and you do dance!!!!

introverted / extroverted: introvert!

favorite season: I feel like you really like winter, but if not winter, then fall!!!!

I am so sorry I’ve forgotten so many thiiiiings I feel so bad, but I’ll figure it out!!!!

You got my hobbies, romatic status and my fave season!

[somuchformegaspeed]

Okay so what the heck is up with this game and community anymore?

I’ve hadn’t played much TTR lately up until the day before the 2.0 update came out, and I’m... really confused and kind of disappointed in some of you guys.

First off... Toonupless is a thing. A COMMON thing.

Why though?

Toonup is an essential gag that you get the option to choose at the very start of the game. Toonup is the only gag that allows you to heal other Toons’ laff points. It is a necessity for teamwork and keeping your fellow Toons alive and well. Yet I’ve seen easily over 30 people who don’t have it.

What’s the excuse?

“Someone else in the party probably has Toonup.”

That doesn’t matter. What if it misses and the only other people that have Toonup go sad? What if the boarding group messes up or someone disconnects right before a boss battle and you’re left with only one other person on your side? What do you do then?

“SOS cards and unites exist for a reason.”

And that reason is for emergencies, not because you need both Trap and Drop so badly on your Toon. Unites are usually best used when Cogs are doing massive damage during their attack turn and you know that at least one Toon in your team isn’t going to survive in the space between Cog 1′s attack and Cog 3′s attack. Incredibly rough boss battles are also a really good place to use unites. SOS cards are good for when your team has genuinely run OUT of Toonup, has very weak Toonup, or Toonup keeps missing.

Plus, what are you going to do BEFORE you have access to either of those? Or when they run out?

“Well... I’m kind of a two/three/four-track uber...”

That is forgivable. As an uber, you don’t get many choices for your gag tracks. Heck, not even four track ubers can get Trap! I’m not going to be angry with you if you’re forced to choose Sound over Toonup in TTC, mainly because you’ll be blown off by people more than usual because...

Everyone. Uses. Sound.

Okay... don’t get me wrong. Sound can be a wonderful gag when used correctly. Sound is a gag that I’ve had on all my Toons that have been leveled up enough to have it as of writing this. But I’m honestly about ready to make at LEAST one of my lower Toons Soundless because it’s relied too heavily upon.

I understand; a lot of you want to get through things like Factories or Cashbot Mints faster. I especially understand for Factories; there are a lot of low Cogs that can be taken down easily and quickly with Aoogahs and Elephant Trunks.

But fighting a CFO almost entirely using Sound is not fun.

Games, especially Toontown, are supposed to be fun. Toontown is a game about strategy. About teamwork. There’s no real teamwork involved in figuring out who picks Fog and who picks Elephant Trunk.

Lure exists for a REASON. Lure allows Trap to work and gives knockback damage to Throw and Squirt. It also allows Cogs to not hit for as long as they’re lured, allowing for Toons to heal each other. Maxed Lure, though it may take a small bit longer, can be just as effective or even MORE effective than Sound at killing Cogs when Toons work together.

1-hit-kills on Cogs using Lure include (but are not limited to): Maxed Fire Hose on level 5 Maxed Whole Cream Pie on level 6 Maxed Storm Cloud on level 9 Maxed Birthday Cake (non-organic) on level 10 Maxed Birthday Cake (organic) on level 11 Maxed TNT on level 11 Train Tracks (organic) on level 12

And that’s without even going into detail about what two Toons can use on one Cog to defeat it while lured.

Now I’m not saying that I’m against Sound in boss battles altogether; Sound can be a great way to stun high Cogs for people to use Drop while also destroying the low-level Cogs in the same round. I’m more against repeatedly using Fog Horns over and over and over again when dealing with full lines of 11s and 12s.

I’d also like to point out that I’ve seen people get angry when others use Lure in boss battles while high level Cogs were in play. And I don’t mean Small Magnets. I mean FREAKING HYPNO GOGGLES. WHY? Just enjoy the Lure and use the knockback to your advantage; maybe even use a TNT if you’ve got Trap and depending on the Cog levels.

Okay, maxed Throw, maxed Squirt, maxed Sound... wait WHA?

Okay, so this one doesn’t really apply to Toons that have been here a while; I’ve only really ever seen this on Crocodile and Deer Toons.

Just... look at this.

This... is a thing I’ve seen a handful of people do. And it just kinda leaves me... a lot more confused and baffled than angry. I mean... I get you’re trying to go for 115 laff but... you’ve forgotten that pretty much all gags matter in the process...

You’ll do okay in boss fights and stuff for now I guess but... man you’ve got a loooooot of training ahead of you once the Laff-O-Lympics are over...

I’m... at a loss for words. I’m kind of amazed in a way... but still not overly fond of the idea... it’s almost like some kind of reverse uber...

All I can really say is... good luck on training o_o;

Throwless...? Squirtless...?

This is something else I’ve seen a decent number of times lately... a Toon with probably well over 100 laff that has either no Squirt gags with a highest of Squirt Gun, or no Throw gags with a highest of Cream Pie.

I don’t really have an explanation of this aside I heard one Toon say “squirtless.”

Now... I kind of have a love-hate relationship with this idea, and it’s probably my inner uber-lover speaking to me.

On one hand, it’s an interesting concept; not being able to play with one of two gags that are flat-out given to you at the start of the game except for when Toontasks force you to level up that particular gag (e.g. Squirt Gun in Donald’s Dock and the Whole Cream Pie in Melodyland) It could lead to a lot of thinking outside the box.

But on the other hand... that not only leaves you with 5 gag tracks to work with since you can’t actually get RID of Throw or Squirt, but it can mess with the team as a whole when you’re in buildings, Factories, boss battles, etc.. It handicaps not only you, but also the entire team. 

Yeah yeah I hear you all from here, “But you like ubers, you weirdo hypocrite.” I dunno... ubers seem more like testing the very limits of the game in seeing how far they can get with the smallest amount of laff; Toontown’s glass cannons, if you will. They can still use the main gags a lot of Toons already have. Throwless and Squirtless seems a bit more.. off. They have all the laff points that any other Toon does, but they don’t have a gag that almost everyone uses and only use 5 of their 6 gag tracks.

Toontown Rewritten is a mostly-vanilla Toontown fanserver; not a whole lot of the updates made are outside the box of what the original Toontown was like. I’d really, REALLY like to see an idea like this in a non-vanilla Toontown server where you can legitimately leave off Throw or Squirt and still have 6 usable gag tracks... 

...kind of like how some other fanservers have it so you can set a maximum laff for yourself so you can be an uber but still fish without... you know... accidentally managing to catch 3 laff boosts-worth of fish and becoming a 28-laff uber instead of a 25-laff uber... (true story)

If there is a server out there that does that already... that sounds absolutely freaking awesome.

tl;dr: Toonupless is pretty selfish and not a good idea, you guys really need to stop relying on sound when dealing with 11s and 12s in boss fights, good luck training your gags because dang o_o;, and it might be best to save Throwless/Squirtless for a different server but that’s a pretty rad idea

[incorrectcosmicgirlsquotes]

I'm new to wjsn so I was wondering, who are the more common/popular ships of the cosmic gays?~

Welcome to the fandom newest ujung!

Since there are a lot of members in WJSN/Cosmic Girls there are a loooooot of ships, there’s a reason they’re called the Cosmic Gays, but since you’ve asked for the most popular ones I’ll only list those in this post!

Seola X Soobin = Seolbin, this ship is one of the funniest in my opinion because they are obviously each other’s ideal type but Soobin vehemently denies that Seola is her ideal type, even after describing her ideal type as someone who was just like Seola. If you don’t have the V LIVE app I recommend downloading it just to keep up with the members and their random V Lives. But go and watch Seola and Soobin’s V Live Dates, I’ll link them below for now: http://www.vlive.tv/video/16795?channelCode=F5F127 & http://www.vlive.tv/video/24022?channelCode=F5F127 & http://www.vlive.tv/video/24025?channelCode=F5F127

Bona X Xuan Yi = Boxuan, this ship is adorable, these two are so cute together, and they form one of the bigger ships in the group. Xuan Yi in a V LIVE Uzzu Tape even referred to Bona as her boyfriend, which Bona tried to clarify that she was her girlfriend not her boyfriend. Boxuan is just these two cuties being cute, it’s just adorable, ship it, love it. 

Bona X Luda = Bonlu, this ship is putting two smols together, but the twist is, one of the smols pretends not to like the other one, and that smol is Luda. Luda is lovingly referred to as the “Pocket Satan” or “Pocket Devil” based on her smol size and level of savagery. In this ship she tends to be the one that picks on Bona. Between Bonlu and Boxuan some people will fight to the death over which one is real or which one is better, but they’re both adorable in their own ways.

Bona X Eunseo = 2yeon, this ship isn’t the same as the Twice ship 2yeon and it comes from Bona and Eunseo’s real names. Bona’s real name being Jiyeon and Eunseo’s being Juyeon, therefore they create 2yeon. These two nag and pick on each other, but in a loving way. They’re really close and often have V LIVE broadcasts together, they even call themselves the “Yeon Sisters” you can watch some of their previous V LIVE broadcast here: http://www.vlive.tv/video/17863?channelCode=F5F127 & http://www.vlive.tv/video/26353?channelCode=F5F127

Xuan Yi X Mei Qi = Lesbian Chinese Billionaires, this ship or should I say power couple came about as a joke whenever an ujung posted a photo on twitter that made it seem as if Xuan Yi and Mei Qi were lesbian chinese billionaires that had married, making them the richest couple in the world (even though it was a photo for their movie release) and the internet lost its shit mind. I’m not sure of the actual name of the ship but if you just mention the chinese lesbian billionaires, everyone will know its these two. 

Eunseo X Cheng Xiao = Eunxiao, this ship may very well be one of the biggest, if not the biggest ship in WJSN. It is adorable. The interactions between these two will make you smile without you even noticing it. Although Eunseo comes off as a fuckboy a little strong sometimes, she means well and seems like she goes out of her way just to make Cheng Xiao smile. Eunseo and Cheng Xiao got close initially because Eunseo helped Cheng Xiao with learning Korean and still helps her out. Do yourself a favor and just search the tag “Eunxiao” on here, it will give you everything you need.

Eunseo X Luda = Eunlu or Lunseo, this ship consists of the tallest member and the smallest member of the group, and their height difference is adorable. The tol and smol are often seen hugging and being cute together. Eunseo tends to take care of Luda since she’s smol and despite being nicknamed “Pocket Satan” Luda is rarely, if ever, mean or reveals her savage nature towards Eunseo. 

Yeoreum X Dayoung X Yeonjung = 99 Line, this ship isn’t really a ship, but these three kids are cute with each other, they tend to pick on each other, but they’re showing love in their own unique way. Yeoreum and Dayoung go to school together and once had a 2 hour long V LIVE broadcast and Dayoung and Yeonjung have broadcasts together as well, they’re here: http://www.vlive.tv/video/15572?channelCode=F5F127 & http://www.vlive.tv/video/26139?channelCode=F5F127 & http://www.vlive.tv/video/28269?channelCode=F5F127

Xuan Yi X Cheng Xiao X Mei Qi = The Chinity, this ship like the one mentioned above, isn’t really a ship, but more of a pairing. The name comes from the fact that these members are the Chinese members and make up the part of a Holy Trinity and have therefore been dubbed “The Chinity” In WJSN’s recent MV “Happy” they have a moment together and the ujungs went wild over it. 

Those are some of the major ships in WJSN, forgive me if I’ve forgotten any but I can’t think of anymore major ships in the group right now.

But since you’re new one way to get to know the members, as well as to learn about the ships and see them in action is to watch the reality show they shot last year! it’s called “My Cosmic Diary” and English subtitles are available for every episode, here’s the first one to get you started: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cPsn6MVOyjg&t=35s

[arnoldjpoopypants]

Hey, just curious, what happened with the valentine's day comic? The first page is so cute, and I'm excited to see more!!

It’s still gonna happen haha I have not forgotten about it- there will be another two short parts to it. I just have a loooooot of stuff I am working on all at the same time (as I always do) Big Trouser AU stole away only a small fraction of my drawing time. I WAS going to try to finish it on valentines day in much the same manner as I finished that first part but I got too excited and amped up the difficulty of the content (so more tricky perspective, settings, poses, angles etc.)

RD stuff I am actively cycling between currently:

Easy part II (part I here)

A silly, excellent RQ from @janewahay …I’ll say no more

An anime/rd crossover piece that I am sure that no one except me will care about (I’ve finished inking this thing but decided to colour it)- I sketched it months ago…

My comic adaptation of Give and Take

Valentines comic

Goofy Lister and Rimmer pinups that I mentioned the other day

a couple of ask/rq responses

Other things……………………….. 

fuCK omg I need to finish the third Harnold Rammer comic??

gOD JUST

Just assume I am doing 1 million things all at once all the time and have no idea which will be finished first hahaha

Main focus is probably Easy part 2 at the moment but who knows! I might finish something else first, I might just focus all of my energy on the Big Trouser AU and Harnold Rammer for the rest of time- I might just draw starbug endlessly who knows

edit: ALSO GOD I FORGOT TO SAY THANK YOU- How rude of me!

THAnk you my lovely

[anthea-whittle]

How Colour Therapy gave me M.E

It’s been five years since I was so sick physically and mentally that I resigned my full time job. I have a neurologist's diagnosis of Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension; but if anything, despite all the best efforts that my support network and I have put into getting “better” I keep having setbacks and overall decline.

Medical intervention surgically, with medications plus heeding the diet and lifestyle recommendations seem to help, some seem to hinder. There comes a point where you wonder if an experience is a symptom or a side effect.

Without dwelling on my symptoms, I am best frenemies with my bed. 

I spend most of my time here, and when I have a low enough pain score I spend the energy I have tending to life - housework, errands for medication and groceries and such. I’m really damn thrilled when I can manage to go out and do things - like go overseas for a family member's wedding or over a few suburbs for a Christmas party.

I’m on the “Jobseekers” benefit with a sickness deferral, and have been since the first quarter of this year. I have screeds of medication, doctors, tests, results and information to keep track of, and I’m losing my mind.

I’ve talked about Brain Fog before, but now daily I forget so many things - what’s on the shopping list, when (or if) I took my medication, what words I want to speak when forming a sentence. I end up stumbling and mumbling over words to strangers and embarrassing myself.

My sister needed me to collect her from work yesterday, immediately as she works with kids and wasn’t well. While I was capable of doing that, I had forgotten where her work was - again. She reminded me. I forgot while getting ready to leave the house what I was leaving the house for. She is lucky that I made it there (after another reminder of the address) at all!

There are strategies I use that all forgetful people would use, write everything down (on my phone, lest I forget the paper), tell someone else, make an association. I get my medication measured for me in a dispensary pack where I take a little sachet of pills morning and night, they have dates on them.

I’m really sad about memories, like memories of experiences with my partner, who I’ve been with not yet a year.  He recounts memories to me and sometimes all I can manage is “that sounds like something I’d do”, while casting about in the fog for any scrap of a trace of the actual experience. I’m sad I don’t have those things to revisit when I am not well, but also that I can’t share in reminiscing with him, but who else too? My other family and friends? I desperately don’t want to forget them, you.

When your mind blanks repeatedly throughout your day, it gets frightening.

Will this get worse? It is getting worse. If I can’t remember how I manage my appointments and my medication and my tests and things, who would be able to do so? I can still drive, go to appointments and things alone. But what if my ability lessens further? It’s hard to think about.

Medical treatment is slow. Not just because of “The System”, but because I can’t follow up and make appointments for myself sometimes for weeks - I’m too sick, too tired, trying to take part in the business of living. I might feel good at 3am and ready to follow everything up, but that’s not when medical establishments want to know me. I slow it down, as everything is slowed down for me now.

Alongside the medical approach, is the alternative approach. Those dreaded “have you tried…” pieces of advice, meant with the greatest love but often received with the meekest resigned sadness.

Colour Therapy involves being “dowsed” by a practitioner who runs through a catalogue of colours associated with malaise - illness, infection but not injury. They pick out the colours associated with what they feel affects you, and you are then exposed to the light frequency emitted by those colours as therapy. I’m not here to explain colour therapy though, just it’s impact on me.

With no more information than the sight of me on an early summer day, when my pain was low and my energy and mood high, and that I have “headaches”, the practitioner pulled out 19 major initial areas I needed treatment.

With each colour she pulled came a label and the areas affected in the body or the symptoms I experienced. I don’t have the laundry list and I don’t want to focus on my symptoms but the dowsing was Spot. On. I have no idea how, based on the little information she had, she was able to pinpoint the specific things that are issues for me.

After three days, including two nights, the more senior practitioner checked my progress, and delivered their diagnosis. Myalgic Encephalomyelitis (ME).

The fact sheet was handed over with sympathy and care, but I know ME. In fact, my medical doctors have vaguely started down the path of ME/CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) as a possible diagnosis for me.

I am a scientific believer but value care of the spirit too; I typically would stick to traditional medical practice, particularly for a diagnosis. But after much thought I’ve decided to accept the diagnosis of ME/CFS, and pursue a medical diagnosis too.

In deciding to accept this label, I particularly acknowledge how this particular condition is very very hard to diagnose. However, the symptoms I live with everyday are described in almost comforting familiarity by ME. More so than even my medical diagnosis of IIH - where I don’t actually experience some of the symptoms, and I definitely don’t respond to treatments like lumbar puncture to reduce CSF pressure on my brain.

So now, I have a new path on the same journey and for me it feels like a positive one though it’s scary. Pursuing a medical diagnosis of ME/CFS will probably include a loooooot of tests.

It also means sharing with those around me my experience and my needs for support or just needs in accommodation as an ill person, which I already have been doing for some time. The biggest change is really an internal one, but with the effects on my brain - including cognitive impairment, I’m really scared about what is to come for me.

If you noticed I put “better” in quotation marks earlier, it’s because I’ve also accepted that there is no such thing as a full recovery from this, I won’t get “better” like you would from a common cold or a scratch.

I will get better in that I’ll be better understood, better equipped, and hopefully better able to continue living a fulfilling life and contributing to the world with my existence. There is hope, even while I watch my peers achieve goals I previously had for myself, I can look forward to new ones that suit me and my abilities better.

How you can help me

I’ve been asked “how can I help?” and honestly, if you’re not already someone I call on then the best way to help if you can, is with money.

I hate to say it. We don’t say it. I don’t want to say it, but I say it as much for me as for any other person limited in their earning capacity.

I don’t expect people to give me money, I have financial support through WINZ that goes to some extent and the privilege of supportive family and friends. I hate to be at this point because I can’t express my thanks, appreciation and generosity as I used to, with gifts of food or other thoughtful tokens. I could go on.

You can commission me to write - even tell me you’ll pay me to write another blog post right here, about anything you like; or for anywhere that fits within my ethics and kaupapa. I am hoping to get more paid writing opportunities like my recent piece for Radio New Zealand, so sharing my writing also helps!

Please contact me if you want to commission me, I want to earn some money.

Thanks so much for reading and your support!

Links:

Find out more about Myalgic Encephalomyelitis: https://rarediseases.org/rare-diseases/myalgic-encephalomyelitis/

About my diagnosis for IIH, “The Problem With My Head” http://antheawhittle.com/post/104958680107/the-problem-with-my-head

[maingaynalata]

Goal Setting (11/12/17)

Hello! I haven’t written anything in a while. I’ve been too busy with life and other stuff that I didn’t have any time to even visit this blog. Anyway, I’ve been hiding from a lot of people due to a lot of things LOL. I’ve literally been running away from everyone which is also partly the reason why I’m writing this one here. Buuuuuuuuut, all I really wanted to say is that I wanna do so much for the remaining days of the year. Aside from of course finishing all my requirements in school so that I get to graduate next semester, I also wanted to do some sort of a life overhaul. Since I’m a really forgetful person, I’m gonna write those things here so I’ll have a list that I could see every once in a while. 1. Go back and embrace my art.  This is basically the beef of everything. I wanted to do so much this year and tbh, I’ve actually done a lot! But I’ve almost forgotten that I’ve always had a space for art in me in almost every aspect of my life. Generally, I’d just like to get back on track which leads me to the specifics...

2. Take more pictures. I recently got an iPhone 6S which has an above okay camera so I need to take some time to actually take photos. I remember that back in 2015, I’d go on occasional photo walks as those made me really happy. I don’t know what kind of motivation do I need to have in order to feel like working behind the lens again. To achieve this I need to have an eye for every good thing there is, patience, and perseverance to push through. In the end I should have a better Instagram feed and probably a better online portfolio. 3. Care about fashion. This has been really frustrating. Due to my busy schedule, I found it extra hard to give that much time (and tbh thought lol) to my fashion. I’ve been really lazy and ended up wearing the same clothes over and over that I thought people started to notice. That is so not me. Ugh. So needless to say, I’d have to spend more time and effort on this aspect of my life as it actually makes me feel good about myself. To achieve this I need to spend more effort on choosing my outfits, shop for things that I need, and maybe spend some more time looking for fashion inspos. In then end I should have a renewed closet and a better sense of style. YAY. But I need to save up and be smart when it comes to shopping.

4. Add pages to my Check Book. The Check Book is an art project of mine that I started years ago. The last time I added an artwork there was earlier this year. It wasn’t that long ago, but I actually have a loooooot of backlogs which I can literally make up for if I haven’t been a total bum. To achieve this I need to finish my backlogs ASAP, think of new creative inputs, and share my work with other people. In then end I should have improved my creative thinking process and have a new outlet for my endless worries in life LOL.

5. Write poetry. Aside from the fact that my thesis will be focusing on my thesis, I need to begin writing again and stay true to the very purpose of this blog. Nuff said. So here are the goals that I need to achieve and focus on as the year comes to a close! I hope I’ll be satisfied with what comes next. Yayyyy!