#so I didn't see a lot of stuff either because I also assumed we'd be able to come back

[itsnothingofinterest]

Hey 👋 been a while, hope you're doing well?

Regarding the recent bnha chapter, and the ones before it, does it feel like the way things are going that everyone is kind of missing the "point"?

Because yeah, it's great for Deku to finally be seen as a "rising" hero that also inspires everyone, with them all fighting together and the civilians cheering them on.

But is all of that really so different from when All-might fought AFO at kamino? With the heroes helping All-might win and everyone else cheering him on?

It feels like everything has gone in one giant circle up to this point...

It doesn't seem like anyone (except for ochako, shoto and maybe Deku depending on what he does with shigaraki now) has really changed or learned anything.

(Aizawa is in a weird place because kurogiri is doing all work for him by glitching out and helping the heroes now, so aizawa can see that shirakumo is still in there, so he just acknowledges that.)

Because It's true that the civilians did try to "help" the heroes in a recent chapter but looking past the symbolism, all they actually did was give Deku a shirt and the other heroes some bandages or something, it wasn't very moving in my opinion.

And the hero side may take a more nuanced kind of view, with how they deal with aoyama and lesser villains like gentle and la brava, but that doesn't really help anything either.

Because aoyama was practically a hostage and gentle/la brava were the least "villainous" villains ever.

Can I ask what you think about all this?

Hey good to see you too, and yeah I 100% get what you mean. I don't want to act like I didn't like the chapter for the spectacle, but it is lacking something; and I think it's the sense of progress and improvement you're talking about. Because the chapter feels like it wants to have that, but i just don't feel it does.

And so, though I find the chapter rather fun & inoffensive on the whole, I'm still gonna throw some of what I will politely call constructive criticism at it and the last few before it for a bit if you're giving me the chance to.

These past few chapters have just been tossing all else to the side to get all gung ho about Deku and his hero allies becoming the greatest heroes, the heroes they were always meant to be (the kind of black & white story you'd expect AFO to usher in)...and I'm just not feeling it. I mean the team-up montage trivializing all of AFO's moves was cool but I got all style, no substance from it. Just typical hero stuff, comparable as you said to All Might with the other pros at Kamino.

It's like, I've been feeling this real want from both the readers and these latest chapters to say that Deku is surpassing All Might, and this is the moment where it's happening. 422 even talks about Deku's having a 'weakness' All Might lacked let him get up again and inspire others to get up again. But I've said before; Deku hasn't done anything All Might wouldn't in the same circumstance, and I think people who believe otherwise tend to assume AM was a lot less kind & a lot more independent, and Deku a lot less independent, than they are. Plus, All Might was the king of inspiring other heroes and he had to be literally paralyzed to stop fighting so what's that even about?

(Thinking about it; the problem might be that the manga wants to say Deku is more inspiring than AM; but the group we see him inspire to action most by far is fellow heroes, the same group All Might too most inspired to action.)

So yeah, it feels on the whole like we've just come full circle with our wheels spinning where I was hoping we'd move forward by now. And maybe there are a few exceptions where you could see some change, but even for them I question how much.

For one thing: I’m honestly not sure how much of Deku and Shoto’s more nuanced behaviour to their villain foils is from them being better heroes and what’s from Touya and Tenko being exceptions to them. Like, how will Shoto treat the next Dabi he meets if they aren’t his sibling? How will Deku treat a Tomura Shigaraki type that he can’t psychically see the inner child of? Ochako's the only one going against the grain just for the sake of a villain, and even then, it's not like we can expect repeat results. Fun as it sounds, she probably can't date every abused girl she meets and send off to jail.

Not to mention these past few chapters haven't even had any talk of villain saving anyway; no one has come here to save Tomura. I mean, Deku might (though sadly even his intentions must now be qualified with a 'might') but everyone else is here to save their fellow hero and beat the big bad; same as ever.

The civs haven't done anything too noteworthy or out of expectations we would've had for them in the early arcs either: just provide small help ranging from medical aid to one guy's shirt, and then sit back like a cheer squad for the next symbol/pillar while the heroes rush forward to do all the work, inspired by that same symbol/pillar. Maybe that's more than they would've done without the events of ch. 323~325...but that thought is mostly just depressing.

Even the cases of Gentle, La Brava, and Nagant don’t seem like these signs of progress to me; because I’ve said it before, but police asking criminals to catch worse criminals is normal. This has been standard procedure throughout. And Aoyama shouldn't even count and I'm almost angry that the story thinks he does.

Something that kind of caps off all this is how All Might talks about how Deku is his greatest hero; that line Deku was always eventually meant to embody (and apparently always did to AM). And cool as that is to confirm he's met all of All Might's expectations, it also feels like it's saying he's ended his arc; at this point where, if you ask me, he's only gone so far as to match All Might at best in every department besides raw power. Which is fantastic as far as Deku's personal goals go, that's all he's ever wanted; but when it feels like the world of HeroAca needed a guy who could exceed All Might, would could lead the charge for a generation of heroes to exceed their predecessors, it’s a shame that’s a level they’re all content just to meet. And that small shame sours something that should be really cool.

[exaltedfuzz]

Someone already pointed out that you always tend to draw Lana tired and I agree, it feels just right!

Because Lana takes care of Ema and the household since she was a She cooks healthy because of Ema, listens to Ema‘s school day, plays with her, helps her when she has a question because of her school work.

All of that while remaining the top of her class in law school. She has so much responsibility and Lana doesn‘t even seem like the person that complained at least once because of it. And also remember that a lot of colleagues, like Angel Starr, used to look up to her. She endures the responsibility and she‘s honestly such a great role model for me!

Not to put Mia Fey down, but consider this: in contrast to Mia, who had at least her aunt Fey to teach her all of this stuff, Lana probably had no one. In contrast to Mia, who actually left Maya live alone, Lana took care of Ema.

Lana Skye is underrated, so f* underrated.

Thanks for liking the way I draw Lana! I think, yeah... She'd be exhausted. Full-time everything. I don't know that I'd call her a role model, considering how RFTA goes, though... Admirable, sure! But, you know... The whole evidence forgery and desecration of a corpse deal might lose her a couple points in the role model department.

It is super nice to imagine what it was like for Ema growing up! I really wish we got to see them interacting outside of RFTA. Maybe in AA7, though I'm not sure I'd trust the AA5-6 team to pull it off. More hopefully, maybe in the anime! I can't believe RFTA just didn't get an adaptation. I guess it is a bit of a sidestep from the trilogy narrative. Hopefully when (if?) AJ gets adapted, they'll do RFTA as a primer to introduce Ema. Maybe we'd get treated to some filler fluff, to make how Lana is in RFTA really punch you in the gut.

I don't know that Lana was as profoundly alone the whole time as she could have been, either. It says in RFTA that Jake was very close to her and that Neil was like her own brother (and that Jake was nice to Ema), so I figure they would have been some help. And Lana has that coroner friend in Germany who Ema lived with between RFTA and AJ (really wish we got to meet her! All we know is that she's a top coroner, a woman, and in Europe, from Lana's end credits of RFTA dialogue), so it seems like she had a bit of a support circle, which is nice to think about.

It's interesting what you say about Mia. I have some thoughts on that, actually. I wouldn't say what she went through would have been much easier. I think that while Lana's approach is to grin and bear it, and take the path of least resistance, which involves just getting on with it and looking after Ema without searching for any help in that, Mia's is very confrontational of her circumstances. The reason she leaves Maya is to find Misty, to clear her name and to try to reclaim that family she's lost. I imagine Maya would have lived with Morgan too.

A thing I've been thinking, actually, is that Morgan would probably have been delighted to see Mia go off to become a hotshot lawyer, in some ways. Gets the number one heir to the Kurain channelling school out of her hair if she ends up acclimatising to city life and settling down. This would probably be why Morgan never tried to kill Maya until 2-2, since there was the chance Maya would go off and join her sister, just leaving Pearl to take up the mantle.

I guess after Mia dies, it'd be reasonable to assume Maya would get scared off from leaving the village, so Morgan would have to take things into her own hands. So I think Maya probably, though lonely, didn't get off too badly. Morgan wouldn't hurt her if Mia was alive, either, because we see that Mia does get crazy intense at times. There's that little comic (not sure where from) where she snaps the (kendo?) sword over Nick, for one, and there's also her (IIRC) punching Grossberg in T&T... Or, at least, that piece of official art where she's dragging Nick around by his scarf. If anything happened to Maya, Mia would probably strangle Morgan. Then, as well, Pearl says she met Mia. So Mia must have been visiting a bit.

It's a very different context that both Lana and Mia operate in... At the end of the day, the most important thing for both characters is their family, and what they see as the best thing to do for them. Don't pit two GOATs against each other...

Anyway, whoops. Most of this was about Mia. Super glad you like my Lana stuff! I think she's a wonderful character, and definitely underrated.

[decepti-thots]

For character ask game—I feel like I always ask you about either rodimus or tarantulas so I’m going in a completely different direction. Tell me about Optimus Prime

we will continue the streak and do IDW Optimus!

one aspect about them i love: I like the way Barber handles Optimus as someone who finds out there is no way to idealize yourself, that is, to make yourself into an ideal, and then go back to being a just a person. There's something really compelling about the way that Optimus post-war tries first to abdicate the legacy he helped create to win the war and then tries to make it into something else that can exist during peacetime and just... fails. He made himself too remote and now he has no way back. He made himself too central and now if he leaves things collapse in his wake because nature abhors a vaccum. It's really interesting.

one aspect i wish more people understood about them: this is kind of in a metatextual sense, but. People who in IDW have mostly read MTMTE/LL often assume that in phase two, Optimus is shown in this uniformly positive light by the narrative. And he's just not by Barber! When he makes very bad decisions in those comics, you are supposed to see the downward spiral. There's an arc called 'All Hail Optimus', it's not even subtle.

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have about this character: This is a completely baseless one that I don't even know why I believe so strongly: Optimus guessed- had a suspicion deep down that he tried not to look at- that Prowl, not the Decepticons, bombed Carpessa. Optimus understood how Megatron conducted himself and his army well enough to recognise that doing it would have been an uncharacteristically stupid decision at that point in the war (demoralizing to people on the fence about which side to join, strategically not useful, likely to be useful to the Autobots for propaganda purposes) but. He really needed Prowl not to have gone behind his back and have done it; he needed to not lose a key member of his command at a delicate point in the war. So he persuaded himself he was being ridiculous, and that set off a chain reaction of sunk cost fallacy reasoning which is a part of why Prowl avoided suspicion of wrongdoing outside his remit for so long. Because acknowledging anything else meant admitting that he had always been willing to overlook an obvious, truly egregious crime for the sake of keeping a useful resource he didn't want to give up.

one character i love seeing them interact with: I really, really love all the stuff with him and Shockwave. I still find it amazing how Shadowplay sells me on that relationship so quickly and in so little time, so that everything which comes after is convincingly tragic. And it is! God, it's so tragic. And yet also really. Fucked up? Hey remember when Senator Shockwave had someone perform unknowing surgery on Optimus so he could be a candidate to carry the matrix. WILD. There's this weird power dynamic at play there I find SO fascinating.

one character i wish they would interact with/interact with more: I wish we'd seen more one-on-one stuff between him and Arcee. She's a character uniquely suited to see through the Prime bullshit as someone from a time before all of that becoming entrenched in their society, and also able to bring a perspective to the ways that Cybertronian society's problems well pre-date his experience. And he's someone trying to work out how to stop the cycle they're all stuck in repeating yet again during peacetime, which mirrors Arcee's personal arc. Also she can mock him for acting like he's sooo old or whatever like. You Are A Baby To Me. I think she would puncture him in a way that he would actually appreciate. She's one of the only people in a position to see him as not much more than just a guy in charge.

one (or more) headcanon(s) i have that involve them and one other character: I don't think Optimus likes Rodimus. And I think a lot of that is that he recognizes he fucked up with Rodimus, at Nyon, in a way he has no real way to... do anything about, or even acknowledge now it's been so long. So he can't even truly get pissed when Rodimus fucks something up, because a little part of him is like. Hm. Well. He is, on the whole, partly my fault, isn't he. Which is frustrating, because he can't fix it, and he can't lash out about it without that niggling thought, and in the meantime Rodimus is just constantly there being kind of weird about him and causing problems. And so all that's left is to translate that situation into a kind of diffuse discomfort he grits his teeth and bears. Also, Rodimus is one of the only people willing to call him out on his weird Megatron hangups, which is infuriating because Optimus tries really hard to ignore that he has any.

[hide-in-imagination]

Ok you've written various versions of thIs so I just have to ask... What do you think is Simon and Ambar sexual experience before each other?

Oof, that's a hard question.

If we consider which countries they're both from and the average age in which people usually lose their virginities in those countries, then both of them shouldn't have been virgins by the start of the series (usually those first experiences are around 15 or 16)

BUT we have to consider their personalities too and their backgrounds, because they might not be the average teen.

If we only considered Season 3, then we'd have to say that they were not virgins because there's no fucking way with the sexual tension oozing out of them both. HOWEVER, I feel like a lot of the actors was slipping into the characters during that season, both of them 20-something adults with obvious previous sexual experience, so I feel like judging on Season 3 events would be an statistical mistake.

So, we'd have to judge based on Season 1 and Season 2 alone. In season 1, Ámbar has her 17th birthday, and it is mentioned many times, I believe, that she and Matteo had been dating for a long while previous to the start of the series, so, basing ourselves on that and, like I said, the average age in Argentina, we'd have to assume that Ámbar and Matteo had sex at some point (or, if not p-in-v sex, they at least did a lot of the other stuff that also count as sex)

The only thing that makes me question it is that, you know, Ámbar and Matteo didn't have the closest relationship from what we see in Season 1? Matteo seemed very dismissive of Ámbar and Ámbar looked like she was with him because he was cool and on the same level as her so they made sense as a couple and she loved the idea of them together more than Matteo himself. However, as many of you might know, you don't exactly need to have deeper feelings for someone to have sex with them 😂 And they were hormonal teenagers, so all they really needed was some mutual attraction and the opportunity to be alone (which I assume both of them would have plenty of considering they're portrayed as rich kids who their parents usually leave alone as long as they do well in school and stuff.) Now, would Ámbar want to be that vulnerable with Matteo? You know, the whole letting someone else see you naked and/or literally inside you. I would have to say no, she wouldn't. BUT, again, maybe she just didn't see it that way and it was just sex, just an activity that regular teenagers do with their partners, and I know that the Ámbar back then would want to 'be cool' and look cool in front of her peers, so she would definitely want to have sexual experience because, otherwise, she could look lame, especially if she'd been dating her boyfriend for a long time. It would be 'expected' of them to have sex, and Ámbar would want to meet those expectations.

So, going for that logic, I assume Ámbar did have sexual experience prior to the series. Definitely not an emotionally-based one though.

Now, let's go for Simón.

Simón is older than most characters in the show when it starts (we know because he already finished high school.) Now, it is never stated how old exactly he is (I've seen some magazines give him some age or another but, as I've been informed, those were not official), but we can assume he was either just turned 18 (Like, he turned 18 right before the start of the show) or he turned 19 at some point of season 1 that they didn't show.

If we based ourselves on the average age at which teenagers lose their virginity, and especially MALES, then there's no freaking way he would still be a virgen unless he was considered ugly or incredibly unpopular due to his personality, but I think we can agree he's neither of those things.

HOWEVER, the opposite thing to Ámbar happens here in which I think Simón would only do sexual things with someone he had an emotional connection with. He's shown as this very sensitive, golden retriever guy from the very start of the show, so while I know that that can totally co-exist with a rowdy, extensive sexual history in real life, I just can not believe that it would be the case for him. I just can't picture it.

So it all would come down to, Did Simón have a long-term girlfriend before the show? I gotta say it seems unlikely, because the only ex we're shown is Daniela, which, I believe, is mentioned they only had one summer together?? Or a summer thing that wasn't really a relationship?? You'll have to excuse me if I don't remember that right, feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.

I don't think Simón would go all the way with a girl he'd only been seeing for the summer. Sure, it could look 'romantic' in his head, but no way. I think it would seem too fast for him, and he also wouldn't want to get too deeply invested in a relationship that he knew was not going to last beyond the summer.

In addiction to this, we're also led to believe that Simón has been in love with Luna for a looong time and he just hadn't realized it yet. (Whether that's true or if it was everyone's insistence that made him start looking at his feeling for Luna that way, is up to you to decide.) If that's true, maybe that would make it a little difficult for him to have girlfriends ?? Like, maybe that's why he only had short flings during the summer with girls because deep down his heart already belonged to another ???? I have no idea honestly. I do imagine he had crushes and, like I said, short relationships with girls throughout his life (because he's too much of a romantic and too cute for him to NOT have had dates during school and stuff) but I don't think he ever dated one for like a year or something, unless it was like from 14 to 15, or from 15 to 16, I guess that could be possible, and then he had his fling with Daniela in the summer of his 17 year and that would be all.

So. Considering all this. Did Simón have sexual experience before the show? ....A little, maybe. Like I said, p-in-v sex is not the only way to have sex with someone else. Simón could have, I don't know, done some dry-humping with a girlfriend before?? Again, because they're hormonal teenagers and the age at which MALES, specifically, do those things is usually even lower than girls. I think some petting over the clothes during a makeout session is more likely. At much he touched a boob. And at much he received a hand job if he happened to have an experienced older girlfriend, but I think that's it.

Maybe I'm not being realistic enough and I'm picturing him too innocently. (I've received comments in Wattpad from south american readers who are firm believers both Simón and Ámbar had sex before the show because there's no way they wouldn't have at their age.) You'll have to excuse me if you believe that's the case, but I just can't see Simón having sex with someone before the show. Like, with the way his character is portrayed, I just can't see it. And, you know, I'm a 26-year-old girl with a lot of outside knowledge but personally I didn't even kiss anyone during my teenage years, so it's easy for me to imagine others also not doing it 😂 I think the answer to this question you asked me, anon, can differ a lot depending on the personal experience of the person receiving it.

IN SUMMARY. What do I think Simón and Ámbar's sexual experience was before each other? For Ámbar, I think she had sex before. Maybe not all the way but most probably yes. For Simón, I think he was a virgin.

(Again, all of this is not taking season 3 into account because if we did, both of them would obviously not be virgins anymore.)

I don't know what everyone else thinks. Do you agree with me or do you have your reservations? To be clear, it's not like I'm 100% sure of this assessment either. I like to play with all possibilities of this in my fics and I'm not married with an specific headcanon. The analysis I made in this post is only me using logic and trying to be as unbiased as possible, but I'm a human being and I can totally fail.

Thank you for your question, anon. I hope you have a good day 🌷

[biblioflyer]

Discovery S5E2 First Reactions

I've always been lukewarm on Discovery. This episode charmed me. Something I've long appreciated about Discovery is that it has continuously worked to address valid criticism without tossing overboard literally everything that sets it apart. I don't agree with every spicy Picard S3 take, but in spite of my enjoyment of that season, I felt a mild concern, if not irritation that what I liked about the series from its first two seasons was largely being ignored.

I've never had that sense with Discovery. With the exception of that utterly baffling episode where everyone started acting like Georgiou had redeemed herself without ever actually walking back her psycho persona significantly, Discovery has done a really good job of growing across all dimensions. The writing is more polished, the cinematography is excellent, the actors live inside their characters in a very natural way. There is nary a jar of eye drops in sight.

If this was pre-streaming era Trek with its 20+ episode seasons, we'd recognize this as the beginning of Discovery's third season. When Trek usually starts getting actually good rather than something with hokey charm.

And I'm actually kind of bummed this is its last season.

This was a nice "lore" episode. Lots of nice callbacks to bits and bobs of Trek trivia, but not overwhelmingly so.

I didn't see the twist coming with Raynor but I dig it. I liked Saru's observation that Burnham is "a force of nature." Like in previous seasons, Burnham's much criticized character flaws are acknowledged and overcoming them and working around them are part of the story, and handled quite well. Burnham is impulsive, empathic, and fiercely a creature of conscience. She benefits from having level headed people around her. Like Saru, whose arc throughout the series has been phenomenal.

Of course maybe I'm just a massive Doug Jones fanboy.

Culber doesn't seem like he's going to be a major player in this season, but he's doing good service as being the guy to deliver the good stuff, like "I asked how you were, not what you've been up to."

I'm steeling myself for a sudden pivot to the YA relationship drama genre next episode. I do have hope that given how everyone else is increasingly very natural in their roles and not feeling the need to oversell things, this will also be the case with Adira and Gray.

I recognize this is a loose end that deserves tidying up for fans of this particular relationship and I will endeavor to not be a spoil sport. Rest assured ready, its because I just don't like teenage / YA cringe, not because of the identities of the characters.

I'm not overly enthusiastic about Burnham and Book either. I've just never found it persuasive as an on screen romance, from a chemistry standpoint or character dynamics. It sort of made sense when Burnham was looking to leave Starfleet and as a sort of legacy of that time when having a sort of Han Solo type character as a partner made sense. But again, its just not my jam. They're interesting characters on their own, and it lowkey frustrates me that Discovery seems to think that romance is the primary way to do character evolution.

That having said, I maintain my promise to be seriously grumpy if anything happens with Saru and K'rina.

I am curious about what the MacGuffin will be in the end. I'm already assuming its another callback to TNG where everyone is hugely disappointed because its not the sort of thing that would radically shift the balance of power in the galaxy, but rather something more wholesome. Another message, the Progenitors' library: that sort of thing. A kind of passing of the torch where the Federation is kind of the new Preservers.

[nogenderonlyanarchy]

Honestly I knew something was wrong when the trans man in the team was mentioned but was nowhere to be seen in the video and as far as I'm aware had nothing to do with the script - I fully expected him to take over the infodump on T but he did not, he wasn't referenced as having given them information about T, and I knew something was wrong as well when both sources of where they got the info were outdated. The testosterone coverage wasn't much better than the E coverage honestly, some people do rarely need E blockers on T and that wasn't mentioned, birth control wasn't mentioned for stopping periods when T doesn't nor was it even mentioned that T does not always stop your period on its own, T pills and pellets and long acting injections were not mentioned at all, either.

Nonbinary coverage was even worse, they were heavily slanted to not want to go on HRT like the binary trans folks which in itself let me know a lot, every time I see that take its from ignorant people or bigots. Yes it was mentioned nonbinary folks could but it was slanted in a way like it was unusual to want that as a nonbinary person, or that we'd always want to pick and choose effects from HRT like its a buffet, which isn't always true. Also the whole thing about just going on birth control for AFAB nonbinary people was yikes because it did not even specify that birth controls HAVE ESTROGEN IN THEM - or some of them do - and will literally have the opposite effect. Some birth controls with progesterone in them will also cause AFAB folks to get more exaggerated feminine features, which is the opposite of what a nonbinary person would want in most cases. Thats not even getting into advising AMAB nonbinary folks to go on birth control on its own - as others mentioned that can cause bone issues among other things and not only that but that is a very new field of research and not at all proven to even be effective.

I also knew something was wrong when the only person who spoke on this was the one person on the team not on HRT. When I first watched it I assumed they were there to introduce everything and then trans folks on HRT would take over the info on their respective hormones - apparently I gave them way to much credit.

Also is the trans man on the team even out or was he just outed without consent? Because I didn't know he was a trans man which likely means hes stealth. Not great either if thats the case.

I usually really enjoy SciShow and they've been wonderful in the past on LGBTQ+ stuff so I don't know what this is. The only thing I can think of is due to using outdated resources this was the result, but I'm not even sure thats accurate, because why use outdated resources?

The whole video left a bad taste in my mouth.

Edit: For those in the comments blaming this on trans men and transmascs - can we not? As far as I know the trans man on the team wasn't involved in the script and didn't appear to talk on this episode for a reason. We don't know if he was even out as trans. And even so to blame the trans man on the team like hes the only one at fault here - the information on this episode harms trans men and nonbinary folks too. It hurts all of us. I agree that a trans woman should have been consulted and come on to talk about E, just like I feel the same for a trans man and T, and a nonbinary person of both AGABs on HRT. They half assed this, clearly, and to do so at so vital a time right before the election in the US and in the current worldwide political climate is disgusting. But this is not a trans man versus trans woman issue, and infighting helps no one.

well this is either going to be good or bad

[tommyssupercoolblog]

Comicpalooza update& Headed out a LOT of business cards and now we're exhausted. Asked Seán if he liked anything at the stalls but so far only one booth caught his eye- I grabbed her card for him tho. And other than that I got SO MANY ARTIST CARDS!! Excited to look though them and like, bookmark websites and buy smthn once I have more money. We have a little bit right now but there's so much cool stuff out there and so little cash flow for us that it's gonna be a while until we get to most of them. There's so many awesome artists here!! The library upstairs was super cute too.

Our day was.... honestly I wish I could say it was awesome and poggers and parts of it were!! But we also had some bad experiences today too, and honestly all but one of them would easily be outweighed by the good, but the FIRST bad thing was the worst and kind of set the tone for our day.

If any of you ever go to comicpalooza or the venue it's in, here's a tip- NEVER. USE. THE STAIRS. other than the elevators and escalators, there is no transportation, because while they built stairs, THERE IS NO EXIT TO THE STAIRWELL.

It's one way.

If you open the door to go down the stairs, and that door shuts behind you, there's no handle to get out and pushing the doors won't do anything, and it's the same all the way down.

I'll explain my experience under the cut but I wanted to put the warning first. DON'T. USE. THE STAIRS.

We spent the first 20 minutes trapped in a stairwell with no clue when (or if) we'd get out. I started crying and screaming for help and banging on the doors and no one heard us even though we could see them through the crack. Seán tried to calm me down and suggested we see if, if we went all the way down, there WOULD be an exit, but the only door down there we could access was storage so I assume either there's no exit at all unless they open the doors (which they supposedly do in a fire/emergency) or you have to go through storage to get it, and with no employee guide I wasn't going to wander through boxes.

So then I started hyperventilating again and crying and everything and Seán again was like "hey let's be rational" and asked me if I could try calling mom and seeing if it worked. So I did, and she said she'd TRY to find us by following our description of how we got stuck in there.

So then I went back to the door we came in from....and quickly lost my calm again and started yelling through the crack again, I got handprints and tears all over it and body slammed into it one time but Seán was like "STOP you're going to hurt yourself" so then we just kinda stood there, and Seán was still scared just being normal about it so I just kind of joined him in silent anxiety and we just stood there scared??? Mom called us, again, and stayed on the phone until she found us, but by then we were physically shaking and crying all over again from relief and tired-ness and she walked us to our first panel to make sure we were like. Okay.

Apparently there was also a security number we could call for help that's on the back of the doors but it was just "security - number" so we didn't know that was what it was for ;-; at least our mom was there and helped.

So....like....as fun as most of the panels were that was terrifying??!!!! And it also made anything else bad that happened feel a lot worse.

So I am VERY tired.

The air-instument band we saw was awesome and Seán liked the writing panel we went to (also the first panel we went to) and werewolf was also very poggers!! But I still got trapped in a stairwell. So like??

Hey at least I was still able to laugh and smile and have fun at other points in the day!! It's just now that I'm back in the hotel room all I can think about is how scary it was in the stairs....

I hope this wasn't like an actual new trauma. If it is and I have to unpack it in therapy later or we form a new alter I might just like curl up into a little ball. Like I DO feel scared of the stairwells and get anxious when I see them now but will that wear off??? I hope so????

Blowing up whoever decided one-way no exit stairwells were a good idea.

Also I piloted the body almost all of today besides during Seán's panel specifically. I wonder if that'll keep happening..I hope so, since I like people! I wouldn't want him to be overwhelm with the space and become scared and afraid

[kaiwithastar]

I have SO MANY FEELINGS about the HoneyWorks FLYING SONGS: Koishieru album oh my god you don't UNDERSTAND

Toshi no Sa Nante especially made me so fucking emotional holy shit THEY FINALLY LET KOYUKI OUT OF THE BASEMENT AFTER LIKE 8 WHOLE YEARS??? Realising we'd had almost NO Koyuki content (other than like.. Kore Seishun Understand and that one scene in Tokyo Winter Session) in 8 years and then getting this made me extra emotional I think - especially with how we FINALLY get to hear about how he first met Ryou and started falling for her and everything AND UGH MY HEART IS SO FULL I JUST WANTED MY SON TO BE HAPPY AND NOW HE'S FINALLY MET SOMEONE WHO'S GONNA LOVE HIM AND I'M JUST FEELING A LOT OF FEELINGS ABOUT THIS KJFHKDS also just the vibes of the entire song are just immaculate I have been listening to it on repeat for the past hour

AND THEN WE HAVE Cosplay Shitai no! which is Ryou's second character song that we FINALLY got after like 4??? years??? of haniwa keeping her in the basement???? Y'all don't understand how much I love Ryou okay haniwa introduces us to this cool af girl who appears out of nowhere, she's like the sporty prince-type but has a fucking cute af song (Renai Joujyuu) cus she just wants to be a cute girl and fall in love and all that jazz BUT THEN OTHER THAN THAT WE GOT NOTHING like I was pretty disappointed with how they didn't give Renai Joujyuu a proper MV BUT NOW WE HAVE THIS AND IT'S ANOTHER SUPER CUTE SONG AND IT'S SO FUN AND I REALLY HOPE THEY GIVE THIS AN MV CUS I LOVE RYOU AND I LOVE THAT RYOU LOVES KOYUKI AND I JUST WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY TOGETHER

ALSO CAN I JUST ADD- THE FACT THAT IN TOSHI NO SA NANTE KOYUKI REFERS TO RYOU AS 可愛い人 (kawaii hito = cute person) MAKES ME FEEL SO SKDJFHSKDJFHSKDL like right right from the beginning of the song Koyuki's like talking about how he wants to help her stop hiding her true self and how he's the only one who knows she's cuter than anyone else and like Ryou's whole thing is that she wants to be cute, she wants people to think of her as 可愛 (kawaii = cute) instead of かっこいい (kakkoi = cool) AND KOYUKI DOES EXACTLY THAT HE SEES HER AS CUTE AND JUST THESE TWO ARE MADE FOR EACH OTHER MAN

Heroine wa Heikin Ika is SO MUCH FUN HOLY SHIT like I love Hiyori and her other songs but I think this one has got to be my favourite it's such a vibe holy shit

And of course I have to talk about ONE NIGHT because FT4 songs are ALWAYS bangers and this one did not disappoint omg I love it sm I hope we get a seiyuu version soon cus I NEED IT

BUT CAN WE ALSO TALK ABOUT WHIPPED CREAM NO SHOUMIKIGEN??? CUS HOLY SHIT THE VIBES it's so different to all the other songs on the album AND it's super different to all the other mona songs they've released so far - it gives me big like.. old-school retro anime vibes?? Like you could tell me this song came from macross and I would believe you, like those are the vibes and I am living for it I love it so much

The last one I wanted to specifically talk about is Moto Seito because holy shit??? Akechi???? With a romance song???? I WAS CAUGHT SO OFF GUARD I'M STILL TRYING TO ACCEPT THAT THIS MAN IS CAPABLE OF HAVING THESE FEELINGS FOR SOMEONE WHO ISN'T CHIAKI???? No once can convince me that Akechi and Chiaki weren't dating cus they absolutely 100% were (like did you see him in Senkou Hanabi?? Those were the expressions of a man in love). And like I always assumed the reason he stayed unmarried and single all these years was because he was still devoted to Chiaki BUT I GUESS HE ALSO HAS SOMEONE HE'S INTO NOW???? IDK WHY I'M STRUGGLING TO ACCEPT THIS SO MUCH like of course it's good that he's moving on and stuff but I was not emotionally prepared for that LMAO but anyway I guess instead of being gay and demi HoneyWorks has decided Akechi is bi and demi (I am convinced he is demi either way, I mean just look at his relationship history) which is cool, and now I'm just super curious about this ex-student of his who's 5 years younger than him that he's into I have no clue who it could be tbh

tl;dr HoneyWorks makes me feel many feelings and I love all the characters so much

[tasteofdeathao3]

May I offer: Adult again Izzy being shown the baby pictures Ed and Stede took of him while he was a baby and toddler. Him napping on Ed's chest, trying mashed carrots for the first time, in a little kiddie pool in the summer, ripping open Christmas presents, sitting on Uncle Fangs lap, at the zoo. It's strange for him, not only because he's looking at himself as a baby but also because he vaguely remembers a lot of the stuff the two photographed.

this is actually so cute oh my GOD

He'd never really had any baby pictures of himself - aside from the yearly school photos - but here is is absolutely flooded with ones taken by Ed and Stede. He doesn't remember them taking any, but here's the proof, on Ed's cracked phone screen currently shoved in his face.

He looks different than he'd imaged, hair darker and thicker than what he'd seen of his siblings - he'd always assumed he'd looked just the same, but the proof was written in his little hooked nose and in the dark eyelashes framing his little hazel eyes.

"And look," Ed says pointing to a photo of him held against Fang's chest, fists tugging at his beard and mouth splayed in a wide smile, "That's you at Easter. Fang insisted on giving you a tiny bit of chocolate, Stede nearly bit his head off."

"I did not!" Stede exclaims, affronted, and shoves Ed's shoulder. "Babies shouldn't be having chocolate."

"It was a tiny piece!" Ed giggles, dodging Stede's next hit. He turns to Izzy, grinning, "He gave it to you anyway, when Stede wasn't looking."

"As if I didn't see," Stede sighs, settling against Izzy's side.

He swipes the the next photo. "Look!" He says, shoving the screen closer to Izzy's face, "That's Fang's birthday, he insisted on having you there. And it was crazy, someone flipped a table and everything."

Izzy laughs quietly. "And Lucius passed out, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, that's right!" Ed cackles. "That- that is right, isn't it?" His laughter is cut short and his brows furrow, face falling into something between confused and hurt.

"Do you-" Stede swallows, catching Izzy's attention, "Do you remember? Back then?"

Izzy swallows thickly. He nods. "Some things." He whispers, hand fisting in the chest of his shirt. "It's like- memories."

"How so?" Stede asks, taking Izzy's hand and wrapping it tight between his own.

Izzy chokes back a wet cough. He doesn't know why thinking of those days makes him tear up, but it does. "Like- like it was years ago. I remember bits and pieces. It doesn't feel recent. It feels like so long ago."

Ed and Stede go quiet. They don't speak, they don't cry or sniffle or sigh, they just move in closer, hold him tighter between them.

"He loves you, y'know," Ed hums, eyes trained on where Fang is smiling at the little thing in his arms from behind the glass of the screen.

Izzy finds it odd how Ed does that, refers to him and the baby as the same person. He supposes they are, to a certain degree, but it doesn't make sense that anyone would truly consider him the same. He's different, hardened, he's mean and cruel and nothing like what he's seen of that baby, of what he remembers.

"He was the first I told." He says, filling the new silence of the room. "When you came back."

"Really?" Izzy asks meekly. He doesn't remember much of that night either, except for being more panicked and distraught than he'd ever been before.

"Yep." He takes hold of Izzy's other hand, settling the phone in Izzy's lap. "I texted him immediately. It felt wrong, y'know, for him not to know soon. He loves you so much."

Izzy huffs quietly. "He loved me."

"No, he still does." Ed hums, squeezing Izzy's hand with his own trembling fingers. "He always has. He's always looked after you, hasn't he?"

"I guess." Izzy shrugs, eyes trained at his lap. It feels weird, talking about people caring about him. It felt like- it didn't feel like anything when he was a baby. It was just the way it was. But now? It just wrong, it's like pineapple on pizza, white shoes after labour day.

"We'd do the same for you, you know?" Stede murmurs, squeezing Izzy's hand even tighter.

Izzy shakes his head, blinking away stinging tears. "No." He says, "No, you don't have to do that."

"We know." Stede whispers. "We know that, darling."

Ed swipes to the next photo.

[greyskyflowers]

This one's for

I always thought close friends did what we did

That they held hands and slept tangled together

I always thought it was normal to climb over each other and cling to the other

Looking back, through the eyes of someone older and wiser

I realize that it's really not to a lot of people

And maybe that was just us

But sometimes I wonder if I missed something

That there was a big could have been that I missed out on without even knowing

And we don't talk anymore for a variety of reasons

Had a falling out like the second floor of an abandoned house

A little brutal and painful as hell but not necessarily unexpected

Things that I don't remember the details of but still leave me a rotten mix of feelings when I think about it too much

And I've learned that people love and hate in different ways

I've learned someone can love you in ways that you don't understand

And that's okay

I think over those days together a lot

Spinning under stars until we fell

Sketch books scattered all over the floor well past midnight

Sharing headphones on the bus and your head on my shoulder

I think we had a lot against us

The clumsiness of being young and trying to find yourself

All that hurt and love and sorrow squeezed into a body much too small

All the emotions we didn't know how to deal with and still don't

I don't know what I'd say if I saw you today

I'm not sorry, and you shouldn't be either

It's been too long for me to be angry if I ever was

And I'm not necessarily mournful either because I truly think life takes you were you need to be

And I think we couldn't have done it together, even if we wanted to

We were young and stupid and desperate for belonging and love

I like to think we would be friends if we had another chance

That we could tell each other all the things we missed after we stopped talking to each other

After we stopped meeting the other's eyes in the hallway

After we deleted all the texts and moved on

I wonder if we were waiting for the other to say something or if we knew we were really done

I don't remember so much of it

I don't remember what I wanted

And how sad but amazing

That something so life altering at the time is almost forgotten in 10 years

That all those high school fears and feelings are still trapped in those hallways

All the tears and laughter and life lingering in empty classrooms and empty lockers

Time makes things seem different

Sometimes it makes the bad things better and the good things worse

Sometimes something small seems big because it's all you remember

Maybe I'm looking back through rose colored glasses

Maybe we were doomed from the start

Maybe the people around us knew that and that's why they had their hesitations

I went home a few months ago and dug through an old chest of my stuff from school

I found lots of us

Bubblegum wrappers with I love you written on them

Old drawings with the ink already starting to rub off

A little ring of string that I can't even remember the story behind but it's well worn and loved

Movie tickets with faded names and dates

I also found an old locket that belong to my grandmother

I can never figure out how to put photos in them so I assumed it was empty

But I opened it up to a little stick figure drawing taped in it

And I remember you adding that to it

Silly little things that I thought were important to save even after all this time

I took the locket with me and left the other stuff in the trunk

It makes me smile when I see it

Such a silly little thing

I wish we'd, and maybe should just be I, had the words to explain better all those years ago

To explain all the hurt and fears in me

Teenagers are wrathful, broken things

And it's all been on my mind because I had a dream that you were in

I woke up confused because you hadn't crossed my mind in a very long time

I don't remember the details and they aren't important

But it made me start thinking

I hope you're happy

I hope your family is safe in these strange times we live in and that you are too

I hope you get to travel like you wanted and I hope you meet people who make you love life

I hope you find love if you want it and freedom if you need it

I hope you still draw a lot and spin under stars when you have time

I hope I cross your mind sometimes in fond memories

But if I don't, that's okay too

[thejosh1980]

Little Wing

(Trigger warning: animal/pet death)

Today, right now, I am sat at the spot where Mijo felt his last sunrise, just 24 hours ago.

He was 28 weeks old, he spent 20 of those weeks with me, and my family. He was my family. He was thrust upon me by my wife and mum, who knew Mijo would be the kind of birthday present I'd want, but could never ask for.

When he arrived he was unexpected. Straight from the car, into my bedroom, onto my lap, what a surprise, it was love at first sight. Those eyes, that tail, that round belly, the fur, I was all in. I had to say goodbye to 4 beautiful pets whom I loved dearly when I left Germany, so then and there I made a quiet, whisper promise to Mijo;

“I'll never ever leave you”...

We began like any other Daddy and cat story, playing, eating, talking to each other. We may have made a few messes on the bed learning to potty train, but I couldn't really fault him, he was perfect. He loved cuddles, got under our feet all the time, talked to us a lot and wanted to be a part of everything happening around the house.

He meowed very loudly too. Sometimes he'd meow from the next room sounding lost and worried. That's when I started to realized something was very different about him. It took about 2 weeks, but then I realized, he was totally deaf!!!! No vacuum cleaner, loud bangs, claps, or door slams could get his attention. When he meowed loudly, it was either because he had to, to feel himself meowing in his head, or he was missing us and could smell us, but not hear us in the next room. I had never had a cat who couldn't hear me call their name, so this was going to be a challenge.

Mijo accepted that challenge...

In a short time I figured out how to clicker train him, using a torch. I love training cats. Most folks think it's impossible, but I've taught cats to fetch, sit and come on command in the past.... So, pretty soon I had him jumping up, over and across chairs and tables on cue. I also learnt a way to “call” him; assuming he could see me, if I knelt down and tapped my leg, he'd come a running. Every time. We had it all figured out.

Grab a harness and a lead, and off we go, walking around the garden. This wasn't a cat, this was a dog. He had very little fear, I mean, he couldn't even hear the birds making a racket or the car driving by or the dog barking next door. He was fixated on me.

I bought him a blow up boat, to use in the pool, to help him get used to floating on water. It was a huge boat for his little size, but he'd hop in, and I'd “treat” him while he got used to the motion. The plan was to build him up to a real boat, or canoe or SUP. I could imagine him walking on water.

He was also great with other cats, so I could take him to visit his cousin and they'd play all day (if we'd let them). He'd come with me to visit other family and then... well, then the real adventures started. Mijo and I could go to the river, the park and the beach. We also went for coffee at the busiest part in the local village, and he took it all in his stride. We took bike rides too, as he sat in a special backpack I had for him. I could hold him while skateboarding or put him on my shoulder as I walked around. He was chill, happy to see and smell his silent world.

When Alex or I came home, and he'd be in the bedroom snoozing or gazing out the window, we could come in, take off our shoes, put our stuff down, maybe run to the loo, then we could snuggle up with him, cause he hadn't heard us arrive. He would just be waiting... He'd just wait for someone to step close enough, blow on his ear, feel a vibration and then he'd meow a big BIG hello, purr and snuggle. He was a no pressure cat... But always ready for hugs and pats.

Besides being deaf, he just didn't seem like any other cat I'd had or even met...

But isn't the way it is with all pets? They're all unique.

He loved Alex. He always had a hard decision between my lap and hers, or sleeping close to one or the other. We had a son to take care of, to love and to enjoy. At the beginning, Alex wasn't sure about having a cat, she'd pretty much always been a dog person, but it didn't take long for Mijo to wrap her around his little paw. She was hooked.

We thought he was going to be grow up to become a big boy. You know, Maine Coon sized 5-6 or maybe 7 kilo. We had high hopes for a dog-like cat, big enough to take on the world. We wanted to show him the world too.

After he had his snip (desexing) in mid March, he wasn't very well, and it really traumatized all of us, we just weren't sure why he took it so badly. He was in a lot of pain, even though the operation itself was quick and really good, with no issues. He would spend the day, in his “bread loaf” position, with his nose to the ground. It was like he was conserving all his energy for when we came home or wanted his attention.

Eventually, after a few weeks he bounced back, back to being his usual self, for a while. He actually lost a lot of fur during this time, most likely due to a reaction to the antibiotics and pain killers. Where his collar and harness were, he lost all his hair. It only took a few days, a bit too quick to realize what was going on, he rarely wore the collar or harness after that. It meant we sometimes lost him in the house without his bell on to tell which room he was in, so I'd be running around turning on and off the lights to get his attention and a meow.

It was our fun game of “Mijo Polo”.

We had noticed he wasn't eating as much, and he wasn't as playful. In fact, all his toys were being ignored, and he rarely chased anything we teased him with. When we took him for playtime with his cousin, he wouldn't last as long play fighting. Something was up, we thought he'd bounce back by now.

Overall, he was a very chilled cat, having just had an operation and now with, ringworm, a tooth problem (one adult tooth was causing him problems and needed to be pulled) maybe that was why he wasn't too interested in food. Surely it wasn't bacteria, an infection or a virus in his blood.

In early May, Mijo developed ringworm, which, by the way, isn't a worm but rather a fungal infection. The vet already had us on anti fungal cream day and night. It's very unusual to get ringworm; it's all around us, but a strong immune system, actually, a decent immune system, would fight off any infection naturally. Cats generally just lick it all off their fur. Humans sometimes get it, from a scratch or a wound. It's in the soil, it's in the air.

When we got the treatment for the ringworm, we also gave him an appetite stimulant, to encourage him to eat, but it made little difference. As nothing changed, we went back to the vet a few days later, and did a hypothyroidism test; the results were borderline.

What could be going on?

At the time of his desexing operation, he was 1.7 kilos, a week later he was down to 1.5 and eventually 1.45 kilo. His body was growing a little, but his muscle and fat wasn't.

We talked to the vet and decided, even though his ringworm was infectious, the tooth had to go, sooner rather than later. It seemed logical that it was his biggest barrier to fulfilling his dietary requirements and his well being. We wanted him fattening up, growing up, and being his usual self again, ASAP. We needed to get him back on track towards good health, enough was enough.

On Monday 17th May I dropped the little guy off at the vet for the day. A check up and a tooth pull.

Before any cat gets an anesthetic, they run a simple blood test to determine if the cat is well enough. During the day we got a call that the operation couldn't happen, and that he'd have to stay in over night or longer, with meds to help him, because his red cell blood count was low. 10%. Most cats need around 40%, if there's any complication with the tooth pull, his blood may not clot.

It's official, he was very unwell.

I was at school when I got the news. I was in shock. Our little boy was that unwell? But he does eat (a little), he does walk on the lead with me, he's eating his treats... was he that unwell?

Suddenly we had to decide on some expensive tests to figure out what was wrong with him. I mean, the red blood cells were being eaten up by the white ones, but why?? We arranged the suggested tests and they kept him in over night.

I was very distraught. How can my little guy be so unwell yet behave well? With that blood count, he shouldn't be able to walk, he should be so lethargic that he can't keep his head up!! He should be in a coma.

All in all, theoretically, he should be dead.

So was it dwarfism, hypothyroidism, mycoplasma??? And and and?? Tests... Blood being taken.. Our boy in the vet over night, alone, worried, scared??? Will he make it through the night? I didn't sleep well...

On Tuesday afternoon the vet let us bring him home. His blood level was down to 9.1%. The idea was that, at least at home he'd have cuddles and love, and that might help his immune system. He was lethargic but not completely terrible. I would need to bring him in on Wednesday for another blood test, to see how he was doing.

On Wednesday, it didn't go well, Mijo had gone from 9 to 8.1% blood level. It was now becoming almost impossible to get any blood out of him. I saw how difficult it was 2 weeks earlier when he had the hypothyroid test, they had to try on both legs and his neck to get a half mil of blood! He was a champ and barely complained. But now, I couldn't imagine the pain he went through with even less blood.

He's been that sick for how long?? Why hadn't we noticed?

We were panicking.

The vet suggested we meet with a mature, more experienced doc, on Thursday. We should be able to figure something out, we had to. Each day = less blood = more chance of...

Well, I am a hopeful guy. I realize, I live on hope. I spent years hoping certain people in my life would change, or love me in a way that I feel some love. I always hope things will change for the better. I don't know why, but it's ingrained in me to feel hopelessness or hope... I think I'm never in the middle... or is that called acceptance? OK, maybe I do feel that too, eventually... But it takes a long long time...

I have videos of Mijo on Thursday 20th, he's cleaning himself in the sun, meowing and purring, happy to see me, walking around the garden with me. Full of life and adventure.

At lunch time, Mijo and I go to the vet. He is his usual cute self, always curious at the vets, and now there's a the new guy he's meeting, what an adventure.

Before he opens the cat box he said something along the lines of “Well, because his blood levels are so low, today is really about deciding if he goes to heaven or not...” I'm not sure, but I know I heard words like “heaven” and “euthanasia” early on in the consultation. Shock was setting in. I barely heard anything else he said, luckily we had Alex on the speaker phone.

Turns out, not only is our little guy deaf, he's an anomaly.

Any cat with 8.1% should be comatose. They should barely be able to walk. They certainly can't pee or poo without help and don't drink or eat much. Mijo came out of his box and sniffed around, was alert and ready to meet the new guy!!

The vet was stumped. He had never seen this before, in over 30 years...

We didn't know he was so sick, because, he was, overall, a well behaved cat. His weight he lost, sure, but he was now at least stable. He was eating, it just took a lot of creativity sometimes to spark his interest (mostly warming up meals and giving him treats).

The vet tried to explain to me, but I'm sure Alex on the phone understood it clearly, that we had very little time, well, no time. We had 3 choices that day. Go to a specialist an hour's drive away, give Mijo steroids and hope he had mycoplasma or Immune mediated hemolytic anemia (IMHA) or, lastly, euthanasia.

Wait???? What does that even mean??

The specialist would give him a blood transfusion, and some special custom drugs which should help him. The vet said it could cost in the 10s of thousands, and may help Mijo for a few weeks, but it's not a solution that we are sure would be long term or not.

Giving Mijo steroids would give him a fighting chance, or not... Basically it could cure or kill him. Because we aren't sure what is the cause of the low blood count, it could be IMHA, mycoplasma or something else, but it's a best educated guess at this rate. If it is the wrong choice, he may die quicker than expected.

Euthanasia, no explanation needed.

We decided on steroids. According to the vet, there was a 50/50 chance it would work. If the cause of the blood cells killing off each other was for or against steroids, we'd know soon enough. Still shocked I tried to understand it all. I'm so grateful Alex was on the line and knows this stuff through experience and study.

The idea of taking Mijo an hour's drive north to the specialist, to a cubicle, a place where we may not be with him 24/7, on the off chance that he wouldn't make it and die alone, we couldn't fathom that.

Mijo took the steroid injection like a champ, he always did injections well. He was given some antibiotics to also help. The vet said, that by Saturday we'll know if it was the right decision. We'd know if he would be getting better...

It was decided that on Monday 24th we'd go back in for a blood test to actually see if the steroids were working (cause apparently one can't really tell with Mijo's behavior, the cheeky monkey).

Mijo and I came home, and well, he ate, he was purring, sitting on my lap. The usual deal. When I went out to get the washing in, he tried to go out too, something we, as parents, have been very protective about. He doesn't go out alone, he doesn't go out without a lead or a bell. He's not an easy cat to find if he runs off, not that he has ever tried. He deaf, he can't hear cars or other dangers out there.

I promised him I'd take him out to that side of the house/garden that afternoon...

So we did, we went out, we sat down, he explored. He was well, good, better, best. He was my boy. He trusted me, I trusted him. I'm always amazed how well he walks by my side, like a dog, with loose leash... Taking my steps as cues when to walk, and when to stop.

We also met the neighbor's dog, which was a first, both were not really interested in each other... But still, Mijo knew there's a lot to live for...

Overnight he went great... Woke up with him on my chest relaxing waiting for me to get up and feed him, luckily I have a wife who had to get up for work at that moment. I remember she sang him a lullaby and held him like a baby. It was really sweet to see how much love they had for each other. Rock-a-bye Mijo...

We wanted to him feel as much love as we could. We felt that, if the steroids and antibiotics were doing their part, and we did ours, there's nothing he can't beat. And he sure felt the love...

I held him while doing some singing exercises, close to my chest. It was something we hadn't done before, and he purred. He'd look up and meow every time I stopped making vibrations. He felt it, I felt it, it was a connection.

We spent a lot of time, reading, relaxing and sitting on laps. Alex and I cuddled him, told him we loved him. He was really fighting. He was eating. He was a little more playful than in recent weeks. He wanted to live. We could feel it...

He went from eating half a packet to 1.5 packets a day, plus dry food. He always wanted treats, and I was always glad to oblige.

By Saturday he was wonder cat! Kneading... Purring... Chasing toys... Eager to hang out...

We'd overcome the problem! He was getting better. There's fight, love and life left in him. He was amazing. If it hadn't been for his ringworm (which was also healing very very well) I'd say he was perfect, especially once he put on another few grams...

We had 4 awesome days, loads of energy and love. He was never alone in the house, and rarely alone in a room. We wanted him to know, to feel, that we loved him so deeply and that all we want was him in our life, for adventures and cuddles.

On Monday morning, his appetite went down... He didn't really eat much...

We all left for the day, work and school. I think we were all worried, but he'd been so good and improved so so much, that we were sure he'd be fine. We have the blood test booked for the afternoon, I'm sure he'll pep up by then. The injection could be wearing off too...

Mijo and I went in to the vet, and his test came back at 14%!!! Damn, that's 6 points!! The vet expected 3 to be a big improvement. In fact, if he had 3 or less, euthanasia may have been the only option... Happy days! He was well. He's going to live! He'll be fine.

We're not out of the woods yet, but we are in the right direction.

All that love we lavished on him, not just in the past days, but the past 4 months. The adventures, the friends he'd made (both human and animal) the smells and sights he'd seen, the vibrations he felt, it was all coming together... He was a fighter with a lot of love to give...

We were over joyed. Really, I couldn't have been happier when I got the results. I gave a “whoop” and threw my fist in the air (I've never done that before in my life!).

We changed to tablet form steroids, as they'll be better long term, keep up the antibiotics and off we go...

But we all know, that often people and animals, when they know they are dying, they give it one last shot. And that was it... We didn't realize until Wednesday, that he wasn't actually going to get better...

Mijo stopped grooming himself, he slowly ate less and less... He became more and more lethargic, he started to sit in the “bread loaf” position with his nose on the ground, as he did after the snip, resting. We thought it was the change in steroids, and as I was at school and the girls at work, we just kept thinking he'd pep up eventually.

When I left for school Wednesday morning, he was alert, but lethargic. When I came home early to check on him, he had really changed again.

His belly was a little bloated, but he had hardly eaten. He had trouble walking, it seemed like it was a mix of muscle degradation/pain and confusion. His meowing changed to a high pitch cry, similar to that of a young kitten. He also stopped eating, he wouldn't even touch any of his tasty treats. He searched for any bit of sun to stand in, but he was looking so uncomfortable, his posture had changed, half sitting, half standing. I was grateful, when I carried him to his water bowl, that he drank a lot. He also went to the toilet, I held his tail so he didn't make a mess on himself.

We spent the afternoon outside, as the sun started to set. He loved the sun, I wanted him to feel warmth... I held him, talked to him. I don't know now many times I asked him to please hold on, please fight and that I loved him. He looked more comfortable in the sun.

I did film us walking around the pool. I am forever grateful for technology, so that I could just put my phone down, touch a button and record a moment. As we walked and talked, oblivious to the camera, I recognized a change in his breathing... I may have missed it previously, but for sure, his breath was becoming more and more labored. Every 3 or 4 breaths, he just had to try harder... His eyes were changing too... But I was sure he could recognize me, the way the vibrations from my chest reached his body and the way I smell. He would react from time to time, shifting or clawing at me.

He often touched my chest with his paw. Reaching out...

Mum and I went to the vet late Wednesday afternoon, the earliest we could. I explained it must be the change of steroids. No, it wasn't. They were the same type, it was just that he wasn't able to fight anymore. We discussed the specialist, called them and made a plan to go in first thing in the morning. I arranged for a friend to come with me, and Thursday morning bright and early, we were going up to get Mijo cured. Transfusion, drugs, you name it, we were going to do it. We had to, we told him we'd make him better.

There and then, Alex and I decided to trade in our honeymoon, you know from the wedding we had 13 months ago and still haven't done the traditional thing of a week or two away somewhere. We decided the money we had aside for that, would go to Mijo's specialist costs, because without Mijo, our honeymoon, whatever and whenever we decide to do it, wouldn't be worth doing, if he wasn't around.

I made a firm plan on how to help him through the night. We would hold him in shifts... All 3 of us... If one showered, the other held him. Dinner time, we shared the responsibility, not that we ate much anyhow. We cuddled, we talked, we purred, I would blow gently on his head... He was feeling love and he was fighting...

Because he hadn't eaten all day, we decided to try feeding him with a syringe, with success. With the tablets we were putting into his stomach, I felt he needed something else down there too... With a small syringe, he took it well, lapping up a tasty liquid treat.

When it was bed time, we put pillows around the bed, incase he fell, because he was very wobbly on his feet. He would cry out at random times, possibly from pain, but I think more from confusion. He sometimes wanted to get away from us, as we know, pets know when it's time and usually disappear, isolate.

We barely slept. I managed about 3 hours... But it was tough.. He wouldn't stay still, and eventually we put him in his little bed, near our bed... Of course he didn't stay there long.

At 4am I heard him crying... I found him under the bed... Alex woke up too... His breathing had changed a lot... Every breath was labored. He wasn't getting enough oxygen.

I laid on my back, and Mijo laid on my chest. This was how it often was, especially when I was reading... We did that until around 7am... Alex taking turns, holding him, talking to him, loving him. Mijo could barely hold himself up, he just laid in our arms... Breathing... His eyes began to glaze over...

We discussed our options, we felt the specialist was now a long shot. We didn't think he'd make the drive, he was near the end. Our little man had little fight left... And we wouldn't forgive ourselves for him dying in a foreign place. There were a lot of tears and back and forwards, including mum coming in for cuddles with the little guy at 5am...

Alex called the emergency vet, and we planned to go in at 8:30... Mijo's time had come...

When the sun comes up, if the blind is open in our bedroom, the sun shines right on through to Alex in bed, Mijo was in her arms, while she drank coffee as the sun rose.

Sometime later I took the little guy out to the pool, where we walked and talked, cuddled and loved, around and around, in the morning sun. I talked to him about all the adventures we had, riding bikes, visiting people, the beach and the river. I spent most of that hour, holding him, looking to his eyes... He gazed up, I just hope he knew it was me. I just knew he felt the vibrations of my words.

We both told him, it was OK to let go now. We were ready. But he kept on fighting for each breath... I think he was just like his Dad, always hopeful..

He last moments at home, where in the chair I'm sat in now. It gets the best light, first thing, even though it's inside the “catio”. Alex had sat down while I was walking outside, I seem to do better when I walk, and I brought him in for cuddles with her in the sun... He was bathed in sunshine, in Alex's arms... It was beautiful...

Actually getting in the car and going to the vet, was tough, but it really hit me when I walked in. I held the little guy, and just burst into middle-aged-man tears and sobbing... If you were there, you'd know I was my mother's son, cause she was sobbing too... I couldn't look anyone in the eye... I didn't understand what was going on, or about to go on...

I think I was in another place...

We went into a consult room, and I just laid the little guy down, not thinking of using the blanket we had... The vet explained the procedure and took him away for his catheter and first injection, some anesthetic? I don't know, but apparently it was the right thing, it helped with his pain.

I couldn't even look Alex or Mum in the eye... I just cried...

I still had hope...

When they came back, Mijo was wrapped in a soft blanket, what a great idea...!! He was quieter, more peaceful... The vet left to give us a moment...

He was still breathing, still fighting... I put my ear to his face, and heard him...

I kept making sure his eye lids closed from time to time. I remember back when Catalina, my little girl in Germany, needed to be anesthetized for a check up. The vet put some put liquid drops in her eyes and made her blink, so her eyes didn't dry out... So for Mijo, I did that every once in a while... I didn't want his eyes to dry up... I wanted him to be able to see me, because laying on that table, he couldn't hear me.

I begged Alex not to bring the vet back in for the final injection... I think I may have screamed something at her... I don't know... I wasn't me... I was trying to hold him in my arms, without moving him... I was trying to give him another chance...

I bawled...

I don't know if I have ever cried like that before... I thought I'd be all cried out... I thought all my tears had already left the building the previous hours and days... But there was more... a lot more... and more to come...

I know that Alex and I held hands over his body... I felt the love... I felt his warmth... his breathing... I know I cried tears onto him, there were tear drops on his lips...

I looked him in the eye as much as I could, but mostly, I cried...

I felt the liquid go into him, I felt it go around my hand into him...

I don't know much about what happened after that... I know I didn't want to leave him, I had promised him I would never do it. I regret not holding him once more... I know that at that moment, I felt the life drain out of me... I felt hope die...

I walked out, not knowing what to do, and flopped down on the grass outside... I never sit on grass, but Mijo liked it...

I managed to drive home...

That was yesterday...

Since then I've tried to rest, tried to come to grips with what has happened, tried to connect with a few friends, I've tried... I'm still trying...

This morning I got up wanting to do some sport, washing, then study and take on the day with confidence... It's a new day, I should take that opportunity to get back into my routine... It took all of 1 minute, from bed to bathroom, to be bawling... Except for the time I manage to calm down enough to type this blog, I've been crying... It's now 10am... I was awake at 6:15...

We are running out of tissues..

I felt so bad this morning, I wanted to plead with Alex not to go to work, because I just can't today. I just can't. We have discussed how she copes in these situations, and I know that's how she copes, by going to work, so I kept my trap shut. I just want her to hug me all day, so I can feel her warmth.

I cried so much on the drive to drop mum off at work this morning, she started crying too, and contemplated not going to work... She wanted to be there for me, but I told her, honestly, I don't think I'd be much company today.

I don't know the grieving process, we haven't learnt that in counseling school yet, but I do know, I'm feeling very lost... I feel very numb...

I can't explain it, and maybe that's why folks can never really explain how they feel after someone close to them, or their pet, has passed. We are just lost.

I also feel that I am grieving for my other losses in my life. It's a bit like, it's a culmination of all the others before him, plus him on top, making me feel pain like I have never experienced before.

Grief is just love, with no place to go... Alex and I talked about that quote last night. I used this quote to help me through leaving my 4 pets in Germany, I know I have to find a new place for my love, but for now, I just can't.

I know I couldn't have gotten through this without the support of my Mum and Alex...

While Mum cries at the drop of a hat, she is solid and thoughtful and loving. Alex is strong and experienced in these matters. She knew what to say, and when, even if I did yell back… Both have a lot of time and patience for me.

I know Alex and Mum feel bad, maybe even guilty, for choosing him. Mijo was a present, to give me joy and love and comfort. And he sure did, in multitudes, to all of us. I would never have gotten a cat back then, I didn't feel Alex or I were ready, we were still working through our issues with our pets in Germany.

Alex and I decided that we want Mijo home with us. He was only on this earth for 6.5 months, we expected him to be with us for 10+ years. Taken too early. Once he's cremated we'll have him in a little urn. He was so small, but if there's a little left over, we will either plant a tree with his ashes or sprinkle him down by the river, the first place he went to that was close to water.

The past day or so, I have shared what happened with some friends, classmates and family, and everyone has been so thoughtful and caring. Thank you, it's really helped to know you're all out there, thinking of the little guy. He would have loved to meet you all.

He was perfection. If someone else had gotten him, realized he was deaf, they may not have given him the adventures and life he had. Mum considers him a rescue cat...

So here I am, in the chair, his last chair in his last moments at home.

I can still smell him on my shirt. When I walk around the house, dazed, I sniff my shirt. He had a wonderful smell. The smell of love and adventure. I hope that smell lasts a life time.

I miss his warmth, his meow, which was damn loud!! I miss, that sometimes he'd get lost around the house... Or he'd lose me, around the house. He was gentle, and only bit me once, by accident, piercing my thumb a little. I miss the fact he had 1 tooth growing forward, directly out, making him a tri-toothed kitten with a protruding top lip! He took on the world without fear. I've never experienced anything like it in a cat. My girl Catalina did sit on my shoulder as I walked down the street in Germany, but Mijo, he let me go skateboarding with him, played guitar with me (he'd chew the strings) and one time, I even vacuumed his tail.

All trust. No fear.

Back when he lost all his hair around his neck and stomach after his snip operation, we were pretty concerned. Funnily enough, it grew back pretty quickly, but it grew back white, not grey. He had a ring around his neck and kind of marks on his back wrapping around to his belly. Alex googled it, and actually found out, cats can often have their hair grow back white after trauma or experiencing extremes of temperature if their hair was cut short or fell out.

About a month ago, I sent my dearest of friends, Sandra, a photo of his regrowth, and she commented looks like “little angel wings”...

Fly on little wing, fly on...

RIP Mijo Angus

12-11-2020 – 27-05-2021

Thanks for reading,

Josh

[windless-hurricane]

Pennywise and the Dancing Girl

Chapter 1: The Shadow Girl

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SUMMARY: At the moment, I want this to be solely mysterious. I will say though that the "Shadow Girl" isn't who she seems and this will eventually become a Henry x OC (or reader) fanfic.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Before I begin, this story takes place in the 2017 IT universe. I also shifted some pieces of information around. So before I'm scolded for inaccuracies, I'll say them now. First off, I combined the Derry Middle School and High School. I wasn't sure if that was the case in the movie, but it wasn't stated. Nevertheless, I will still refer to it as Derry High. The main character is 14 and a freshman (going on sophomore). The entire Losers Club will be in 8th grade (going on to be freshmen) and all 13. The Bowers Gang are all sophomores (going on juniors) and 15, excluding Henry who is 16.

WARNINGS (for the entire series): Explicit language, violence, graphic scenes involving blood and/or death, some sexuality possibly, and some underage drinking and drug use.

WORD COUNT: 2.7k

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was the last day of school. I couldn't lie and say I wasn't somewhere near excited. I knew it wasn't the last day of school altogether, but it would definitely be a step up from my current status as a freshman. All 8th graders dream of becoming freshmen; but once they realize the difficulties of dealing with upperclassmen, they want to join them. That had been the same mindset for me. Not only was I freshman, I was a transferee. That normally wouldn't be such a big deal, but it was at this school.

See, Derry High wasn't a typical high school. It included middle school as well. So, almost all the children here were attending this school for half their lives. They started in 6th grade and ended as seniors. Everyone knew everybody. Due to that, I thought I'd become a perfect candidate for teasing. I was practically fresh meat. However, that didn't happen. Why? Because I was barely noticeable. I kept to myself, hardly spoke a word to anyone, and moved swiftly through the halls like a shadow, avoiding certain people. It soon had become an objective to avoid four sophomores in particular: Henry Bowers, Patrick Hockstetter, Victor Criss, and Reginald "Belch" Huggins.

They were douchebags who got a kick out of tormenting anyone they saw below them. As a result of their animosity, even the juniors and seniors were afraid of them. You never messed with the "Bowers Gang" as they called themselves. I, a rarity, was not afraid of them and never would be. I just wanted to stay the shadow that I liked being and it became a promise to myself.

I kept to that promise for the entire year and now all I had to do was get through this day like any other. Then, it would be summer vacation, which was full of reading and...reading. I didn't have any friends, but I was satisfied with that. It was better to not get too attached to people you would end up leaving. In a way, that was my curse: the inability to care for anyone because you are not worth caring for. But it would be ok.

I walked through the front doors of the school, clutching the straps to my bag. Other students were already situated inside, engaging in morning chatter and shenanigans. I...went straight to my locker. I knew I had to empty it out and it would be better to do it now than later. So, I put in the combination and got to work. I wasn't necessarily the neatest, but it didn't look like the aftermath of a hurricane. Just messy. There were notebooks, textbooks, and a bunch of scattered and crumbled pieces of paper. It didn't take long to stuff these into my bag and throw what was left away. I closed my locker with a slam, but it didn't echo like it normally would because of background conversation.

I glanced around and my eyes ending up following the scene of two boys running away in the direction opposite to mine. Moments after, Henry Bowers and his gang of misfits were in the shot. He had an apparent smirk on his face. Probably from gloating because of the amount of power he had over the kids here. The thought of it was enough to make me roll my eyes; but I continued to watch, seeing if he would do anything else. He didn't. Just as I was about to turn away, his eyes met mine. He knew I had been staring and didn't have the intention of letting me go.

His eyes were crystal blue and they contradicted mine: my chocolatey brown. However, they still managed to be darker than mine and mine brighter than his. He didn't hold any expression in his face and neither did I. It was just blank staring. This wasn't the first time we did this. Occasionally throughout the year, we'd find each other's eyes, but never did anything about it. He didn't know me and he assumed I didn't know him. We had never been in the same vicinity as each other because if he was ever too close, I would've found a way out. All we had was this.

I hated to admit it, but he was quite pretty to look at. It didn't throw my hormones out of whack or anything. I stared at him because of his eyes. His eyes were dark, beautiful, and so familiar to me. I couldn't put my finger on it. It seemed I had looked into those eyes even before I knew him. There was something that intrigued me about them. I knew there was something hidden there. Even if I already had an idea, I longed to know myself.

I gulped out of my trance and released the handle to my locker. I stared just a bit longer until I turned away, losing sight of him and those eyes. Who would've known that days later Henry would tell me himself that he saw me as this mysterious girl that he wanted to crack. A girl that actually drew him in.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was able to make it through three classes of Algebra, English and History. Since it had been the last day of school, we hardly did anything. There was clearly no homework to assign or assignments to finish. It was either a free for all with limited volume or we watched a movie on the projector. I was only interested in the movie. Currently I had one more class until lunch and no doubt, it was going to be the same as the others. It was actually quite a relief. Relaxing felt...nice. It nearly brought a smile to my face before I was interrupted.

My head snapped up on impulse as I heard a loud smack echo through the hallway. It didn't startle me, but it certainly caught my attention because before I knew it, I was rounding the corner quickly with a newfound purpose. It was a boy and he was lying on the ground. Getting a clearer shot, I saw that it was Eddie Kaspbrak, the local hypochondriac. I never knew him on a personal level, but I always saw him around. As you can tell, I knew a lot more about him than he did me. That's how it usually was with people. I knew along with him being a hypochondriac, he was a germaphobe who constantly expressed his paranoia to his friends. Other than that, he was quite funny and would never shut up about the evils of sickness and blessings of cleanliness. I sometimes found it rather cute.

He was also a favorite plaything of the Bowers Gang, along with the rest of his friends, Bill Denbrough, Stanley Uris, and Richie Tozier. I saw them around quite often too, either goofing off or arguing. I wonder where they were to have left Eddie alone. To have left him alone with Bowers and the dick squad. Maybe he was just unlucky. Henry had been manhandling Eddie's fanny pack and dumping its contents onto the floor beside him. I could only assume Eddie tried getting it back, but was only met with a shove to the ground. All I did was stare. It seems that's all I was good for.

Even though they deserved a good beating, I never interfered. It was part of the promise and it hadn't been difficult to maintain until now. I nearly wanted to break it. I don't know why, but the feeling was there. It wasn't enough to push me though as the fanny pack was already empty. I watched as Henry threw the pack at Eddie's face and mouthed something that I couldn't make out. Most likely it was some humiliating insult. I looked to Eddie and his expression killed me. Was it - sadness? Anger? Disappointment? It could be helped.

I walked over quietly and squatted down near him as he sat up. He gave me a shocked and questioning look before I began to gather his belongings into the fanny pack. He wasn't moving or saying anything, just watching like I had been moments ago. There was an inhaler, a few containers of pills, bandage. I guess this also served as a small first aid kit. Nice. I stood up and glanced around, making sure I collected everything. I had, expect for Eddie. I zipped up the pack before reaching my hand out to him. His expression managed to change. Why was he looking at me like that? It's like I was some miracle. Then, he looked to my hand and I smiled softly,

"Don't worry. I just came from the bathroom. It's clean."

His gaze switched between my face and hand until he finally took it. His was oddly soft. I helped him up gently and let it go as soon as he was up.

"Um, here," I muttered out, handing him his pack. He was still staring at me and finally, he snapped out of it. He took it quickly.

"T-thanks...um..." he cocked an eyebrow.

"Emma," I finished. "Emma Gray."

"Thanks, Emma." Red found its way onto his face. Was he really blushing?

"It's no problem. No one should face a jagoff alone." He smiled and it made me smirk. I reached into the side pocket of my bag and pulled out my mini bottle of hand sanitizer, showing it off to him. "I noticed you were almost out and you're definitely going to need a lot more to get rid of the stench of Bowers and his goons." I breathed out a laugh. "Here." I handed it to him and he took it almost joyfully.

I smiled completely and for once, it felt real. However, it was short lived. The bell rang.

"Shoot," I groaned. "We should get to class, like, now. It was nice talking to you. See you around, Eddie." I know I didn't give him time to respond, but there wasn't time for a response. I turned around and headed the opposite direction to class.

(EDDIE'S P.O.V.)

"Wait," I called out, but she was already gone.

"Damnit." How did she already know my name? I looked at the bottle she gave me and her name was written across the label in black marker. Her handwriting was beautiful. I let my thumb run over her name as I smiled to myself.

"Emma - Emma Gray."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(BACK TO EMMA'S P.O.V.)

I made it through Biology and as expected, we watched a movie - a real boring one about the inner mechanisms of a cell. It was over and time for lunch. I was looking forward to it because of what I packed today. If I did it right, it was going to be delicious. I began to fantasize about the greatness of my meal until I was forcefully pulled out of it. Could the world just not leave me to my mind today? Geez.

It was a noise and a deafening one at that. It came from down the hall and it was loud enough to make me wince, slight pain being brought to my ears. Who was it this time and why do they keep interrupting me? Thinking about it more, should I even ask? Knowing this school and its students, it was without a doubt Bowers. Did I want to find out? No. Would I inevitably end up finding out? Yes. This was the only way to the damned cafeteria.

I inched slowly down the hall, not in any rush to get an answer. I wasn't a nosy person. I actually considered myself quite considerate of other people's business. Then, I heard whimpering. I rolled my eyes harshly as I quickened my pace. What's wrong with you, Emma? Why are you being so interactive today? Why the hell do you even care? No one else in this god forsaken school does, why should you? Don't you remember the promise? You're too good for this, but maybe there was a reason not to be too good. Maybe it was Eddie and his call for help.

I rounded the corner and it wasn't Eddie, loosing a good amount of motivation. It was Ben Hanscom, the other new kid. Chubby, adorable, vulnerable, and being pushed up against the lockers by Bowers while his goons watched in amusement. I scoffed. This was the second time today. Was this really his way of celebrating the last day of school?

"Hey!" Oh, Emma. What the hell are you doing? You know you could care less.

All five boys turned their attention towards me with different expressions on each of their faces. Ben's eyes were pleading and hopeful while he was completely red in the face. Patrick was smirking creepily and it was enough to make me shudder. Victor and Belch actually held a similar look that reeked of 'Who the hell is this girl?' For the main star, he just looked pissed.

"The fuck do you want," he questioned deeply, his eyes peering into me.

"For you not to be a conniving dickhead," I stated proudly, stopping in front of them with my arms crossed. I don't know where this surge of confidence was coming from, but I kinda liked it.

"The fuck did you just say to me," he let go of Ben and started lurking towards me. This was the perfect chance for him to get away. The boys were entirely focused on me. I looked passed Henry's shoulder and my eyes met Ben's. He was terrified and astonished. I nodded my head up slightly, gesturing for him to go. He didn't get it the first time; but after repeating it, he got it and ran away. I looked back to Henry,

"You heard me." This is the closest I've ever been to him. We were nearly a foot apart. He was significantly taller than I was, not a giant, but taller. Had surprisingly muscular arms and I never noticed the upturn of his nose before. He broke the distance with one more step. I wanted to step away because of the awkwardness, but I also didn't want to give him the satisfaction. I simply kept my arms crossed and craned my neck up to look at him. He did the opposite with his neck, but also crossed his arms. Maybe this was a way of establishing dominance.

"I don't think I heard you quite right. Mind repeating what you said," he pushed. He was trying to scare me, but I don't scare easy.

"I said, I don't want you to be a conniving dickhead."

"I don't care about what you want," he retorted.

"You're the one who asked, honey." He let out a breathy laugh.

"No one gets away with talking to me like that, sweetheart."

"I think I just did."

"I like her," a voice called out. I soon realized it belonged to Patrick. Shame because I didn't like him. "What're we going to do with her, Henry?" Henry opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off.

"I'll tell you what's going to happen. I'm going to walk away and enjoy myself a lovely meal in the cafeteria, while you four stand around and play with each other's dicks. And then you're never going to bother me ever again. Got it? Ok." I moved to walk past him, but he grabbed my bicep instead.

"It's not that easy," he told me, squeezing roughly. I yanked my arm away harshly, catching him off guard.

"It is that easy because I'm not afraid of you, Henry," I let out through gritted teeth. With that, I pushed past him, hitting my shoulder with his purposely.

(HENRY'S P.O.V.)

Patrick scoffed, "You're just going to let her get away with that? She deserves to be taught a lesson to." I agreed. I completely agreed, but she wouldn't be easy.

"I know," is all I managed to say before I turned to face them. "Do any of you know her?" They all shook their head uselessly, causing me to roll my eyes.

Vic was the only one to speak,

"I know she's a freshman, just not the name." I nodded,

"Lets get outta here." I walked ahead, knowing they would automatically follow. It was that girl. She knew my name, but I didn't know hers. It bothers me, but a lot more than it should. How could I not know the name of a girl like that?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THAT IS THE END OF CHAPTER 1. Hopefully you enjoyed it! This is the first chapter of a definite series :)

[lovehelpmewrite]

The People Who Love You [1]

A/N: This is very angsty, there's a lot of abuse!triggers, rape!triggers and the like. I was really in the mood to angst so yeah. Please enjoy at your own risk, triggers and angst ahead. Also, I didn't originally intend for it but its going to be 2 parts because tumblr only allows 100 blocks I guess... I don't know the word count because I'm on mobile, and I'm hoping my keep reading works but sorry if it doesn't. Its un-beta-d, and unedited and un-spell-checked, so all mistakes are mine. Anyways, read on.

"Yeah? Seriously? That's insane. Yeah. Yeah of course! Yeah I'll let him know. Thanks Sam. Yeah, you too. See you in a bit." I hung up the phone feeling happier than i'd been in a long while. Sam had called, asking for help on a werewolf out in Nevada. When he'd asked if I was still with Tyler I assumed thats who he really wanted on the case but I was excited to see them either way.

I walked out into the living room, seeing Tyler on the couch with a beer in hand. Out of reflex I grabbed another and set it next to his feet on the coffee table. He smiled in return.

"You're too good to me," he said, giving me he full attention for a few seconds before turning back to the TV.

"So, uh, Sam Winchester called. He and Dean have a case out in Nevada they wanted our help on. Werewolves. I told them we'd check it out, what do you think?" I asked quietly.

Tyler let out a deep sigh and I turned my eyes to the corner of the coffee table.

"I think," he paused, taking a drink of his beer, "that you should have asked before you went saying yes. And that I don't like those Winchesters, too fucking uptight, and Dean always stares at you." He threw an annoyed look my way before letting out another deep breath and finishing off his beer, getting ready to open the second.

"When do they want me?" He asked, tossing the metal cap onto the table. I watched as it skidded and slid of the edge onto the floor.

"ASAP. I told them we could be out there in a few days," I answered timidly.

Tyler let out another sigh of annoyance.

"Well, go back a bag, we'll leave tomorrow and I don't want to have to wait for your sorry ass to finish up."

I nodded and stood quickly, walking into the back bedroom and shutting the door softly. I let myself smile as I packed, enjoying the thought of seeing old friends again.

- - -

"Tyler, Y/N, good to see you," greeted Dean, pulling me in for a hug that made Tyler frown. Even so, I hugged Sam as well, enjoying their familiar embraces.

"So, where are you guys staying?" Sam asked, hands shoved in his jeans pockets.

"The Historian, on Gibson by the diner," I answered, unable to stop the smile on my face as I spoke.

This only seemed to annoy Tyler further. Quickly he drew an arm around my waist and pulled me to him.

"Yeah, she wanted to make sure we had a good view," he joked, Sam and Dean laughing as I cringed, remembering how upset Tyler was that the neon sign from the diner was visible through our window.

"You know me, only the best," I added.

Everyone laughed but I could feel Tyler's fingers on my ribs like knives.

- - -

"To a hunt well done," Dean toasted, plinking his beer bottle against mine and Sam's. We all drank and shared a small smile, me ignoring the fact that Tyler was dancing with some girl on the dance floor.

"I gotta ask," Sam said suddenly, after several tense moments. "What's with your boyfriend?"

I flicked my eyes momentarily at the girl grinding on him before turning on my stool to face solidly at the bar.

"He's just dancing, its fine," I said monotonely.

Sam and Dean shared a look.

I absent mindedly pulled my flannel sleeves down to cover the hand mark Tyler left from this morning, when I had taken too long to get ready so he gripped me by the elbow and shoved me at the door. My shoulder still stung but I could blame that on the werewolf at least.

"What thhe fuck?" Dean said suddenly. I looked at him oddly until he pointed out a still healing bruise on my sternum, visible with my shirt unbottoned. "What is that, Y/N?"

Nervously I shoved my shirt to the side so it wasnt visible anymore.

"Haven't you ever heard of a hickey, Dean?" I laughed anxiously, sipping my beer and hoping he'd let it go. He didnt.

"That's no hickey. Did he hurt you?" Dean asked seriously, his voice low.

"What?! No! He wouldn't! It... it was my fault. I was carrying the laundry basket and not watching where I was going and he accidentally bumped it into me a little hard. Its nothing," I shrugged it off.

It was from the laundry basket, from when he shoved it at me hard enough to leave a mark. "To remind me of my place," he said.

Sam and Dean just eyed me cautiously as Tyler came back from the dance floor.

"Hey babe, lets go, I'm beat," Tyler said.

I went to argue that i wanted to stay with Sam and Dean but I knew better than to speak out in public.

"Okay. See you guys later," I said, Tyler pulling me quickly away and out of the bar.

He yanked me out into the alley and shoved me against yhe grime covered bricks, pressing kisses to my neck and chest.

"Come on baby, lets do it right here," Tyler said, unbuttoning my flannel quickly.

"Ty, no, lets just go back to the motel," I said, gently pushing at his hands on my body.

"Come on, it'll be hot. You can scream for all the bar to hear," he continued, going for my jeans.

"Ty, I said no, stop it," I said more forcefully, shoving him off me.

He stood a foot away, bewildered for a moment while blood rushed in my ears. Suddenly his hand came fast and heavy against my cheek, knocking my head to the side. I held it in shock as it heated up. Tyler seemed to be gauging my reaction to it which was fear.

He sprung forward again and spun me around, pressing my shoulders against the cold brick as he undid my jeans.

"When I say I want to fuck you, I mean it you dumb prude bitch," he growled against my hair.

I stood, helplessly pressed against the bricks as he yanked my jeans and underwear down and pulled my hips back.

The only indication I gave that I felt him was the shutter as he slid into me. My whole body was numb, the slight rocking the only thing keeping me grounded.

When he was done, he came onto the ground and pushed my hips forward in disgust, making me stumble into the wall.

"Come back when you're ready to be an obedient whore," he spat, pulling up his jeans and walking away.

I felt the shake in my hands as I slowly pulled up my underwear and struggled to button my jeans. I let myself lean against the wall a moment, pressing cold hands over my eyes and smearing tears I didn't know I was making.

I sucked in a deep breath, cleared my face and stared dead ahead. Just another day.

- - -

I realized quickly I didn't want to go back to him so soon. I didn't want to seem that desperate for him. In a spur of the moment I walked to Sam and Dean's motel room, knocking on the door before I remember deciding to. Sam answered.

"Y/N? Whats up?" He asked, voice gentle and slightly tired.

"Hey, sorry to bother you guys, me and Tyler had a little fight so I just wanted to shower here for tonight if thats okay?" I asked timidly.

"Yeah! Yeah sure, whatever you need," Sam replied, letting me in immediately.

Dean was sat up on the bed reading something when he looked up and smiled at me.

"Hey, what're you doing here?" He asked, closing the book to give me his full attention.

"Just need a shower, me and Tyler had a fight," I explained. Dean grinned.

"Finally. You should really dump that douche bag," he commented, standing and walking over to his duffle bag.

"No... we just need ti work some stuff out. I dont know where i'd be without him, he's such a better hunter than me," I said absently, not thinking twice about the words coming out of my mouth.

Sam snorted behind me, Dean sniggered.

"Sure, okay Y/N," Dean said sarcastically.

"Really, I would have died on half my hunts if he hadn't been there," I tried, more to convince myself than them.

"You're ten times the hunter he is, he can barely shoot a sawed-off. But whatever you say, sweetheart. Enjoy your shower," Dean grinned, handing me one of his shirts and a pair of boxers.

As I stood under the steaming hot water and scrubbed my skin raw, I replayed what the boys had said. How could I possibly be a better hunter than him? All he talks about is how much easier it would be for him to do his job if I wasnt around.

I shook off the thought and went back to scrubbing at my thighs viciously.

- - -

I walked out in Dean's oversize Metallica shirt, picking at one of my cuticles, mulling over my options very carefully.

"He hits me sometimes," I mumble, watching Sam and Dean scrunch up their eyebrows before looking at me.

"Huh?"

"Did you say something, sweetheart?"

I turned my eyes up, forcing myself to back eye contact.

"He hits me sometimes," I said again.

I watched as Dean's jaw set and Sam's face turned to stone.

"Not often. I mean, not really anyways. Sometimes its worse than others, especially if he's been drinking," I said, finishing the sentance looking at the ratty carpeting as the nights memories came back.

"Its usually my fault anyways, I take too long, or I forget the laundry, or I get him the wrong beer," I added, trying to justify it in my head again. My face scrunched up as his words came at me as they always do.

"You'd be nothing without me. A dead whore in a ditch somewhere. You're lucky I'm here to teach you."

"He's dead," Dean said simply.

I jumped forward quickly.

"No, dont!" I said, gripping his arm tightly as he stood. "Its fine, I can handle it," I added.

Dean's hand came slowly up to my face and I winced as his fingers ran over the spot where Tyler had slapped me.

"You dont have to," Dean said quietly.

"I love him," I replied, eyes closed. Dean let out a slow breath and stepped back from me.

"Then you better get back to him," he said sharply.

"Dean," Sam interjected, eyebrows creased in disapproval.

"No, if she loves him she can head back to his room, and when he hits her again we'll come pick her up because thats what people who love you do," Dean spoke, eyes sharp and jaw set.

I stared at him a moment longer, my throat tight before I slowly grabbed my things and opened the door. I gave one last glance to Sam whose eyes were wet with unshed tears.

I shut the door behind me and let a few tears of my own fall before I made my way back to Tyler.

- - -

I woke up to the sound of beeping next to my head and throbbing in my ribs. I groaned as I turned my head, my neck stiff and sore as well.

As I looked around at the pale green walls and the bright florescent lights, I recognized the beeping as an EKG.

I panicked, trying desperately to sit up and pull out my IV's until a nurse came in.

"Sweetie, you need to relax, you're pretty banged up," she spoke, gently pushing my shoulder back and readjusting the IV tube on my arm.

I tried to relax, looking up to the ceiling and taking deep breaths to try and stop the tears burning in my eyes.

"Good news is your boyfriend's here, said he was worried when he found out you fell down those stairs. I'll send him up," the nurse spoke kindly, patting my hand before walking out and closing the door behind her.

My throat closed up painfully, tears falling back into my hairline as I thought about Tyler seeing me after what he'd done last night.

[wildcatofgreen]

-Slice of life or plotted ideas?

Mun Questions

Slice of life or plotted ideas?

((good question! i dont know!

((i [mostly] kid, but like

((okay, lemme like, take this as more of a "random events pull the muses together" vs "the muns have an idea in mind"(

((in all my years of rp BEFORE this specific blog, it's always been the first one. and that's fun! it's lead to a lot of drama and a lot of funny things happening. like i still remember sonic teaching carol how to spin dash, or discord landing in carol's theoretical lap and chillin', or some random fights that happened all because carol is a hard headed idiot

((however, this year has kind of been my first REAL intro to plotted rps

((thaaaaaat i remember, anyway

((like, okay, im 100% sure me and sonar-mun plotted on the previous blog, but i literally do not remember a single lick of it. and it's never been to this extent where we have EVENTS PLANNED fucking WEEKS in advanced.

((dont quote me on this but i think as soon as sister's intuition finished there were thoughts about how carol confessing to sonar would go. i think we are both surprised at how it actually ended up but i know thoughts were thrown around and we've had this vague idea on how itd go

((IMs didn't EXIST back then! people had to talk through ASKS and FAN MAIL and shit. i even remember being MAD that tumblr did IMs in the first place.

((what a fool i was.

((ANYWAY! i think back then i was against the idea of plotting because it goes against what i felt like rp was/is--the SPONTANIETY OF IT ALL

((carol and fucking flowey meet, shenanigans ensue. that's it that's all you need and you have awesome interactions.

((or carol and sans. she tries to steal from him, sans threatens a murder. awesome! this is awesome!

((but like, with actual plotted THREADS you get these cool things that happen and then these spontaneous moments can happen BECAUSE of it

((it's like writing a story with someone and nobody knows what the outcome'll be--assuming y'all havent plotted that far ahead

((or, something something THE JOURNEY IS GREATER THAN THE DESTINATION. stuff like that.

((carol fuckin' used her jump disc WAY EARLIER in the jet race thread than i planned. me and them planned for it to tie but we didn't plan how we'd GET to the tie. and that's FUN. IT'S SO MUCH FUN.

((but then carol interacts with shigaraki on a whim and becomes... frrrrriends...? with a murderer. that's awesome. you cant get that anywhere else.

((there's a lot of give and pull between these two concepts and i find it incredibly fascinating. i love planning out shit with my friends. but i also love throwing this cat at my friends and seeing how their muses react! there's some things you just cant GET from either side and it's kind of magical.

((and this is all probably funny coming from me, the gal who writes a drabble every other day. but god i really DO love how cool some non plotted things are.

((side tangent about all my drabbles--A LOT OF THEM AREN'T PLANNED.

((CAROL IS ENGAGED RN BECAUSE AN ANON TEASED HER ABOUT IT. THIS IS HOW UNPLANNED MY DRABBLES ARE

((THAT ONE ANON ALONE SPIRALED OUT OF MY HEAD FIFTEEN OR MORE SEPARATE POSTS DETAILING THINGS I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT ABOUT OTHERWISE

((the lilac confession's been a long time coming, lets be real

((BUT IT WAS PEOPLE WHO SEND IN THESE FUNNY ASKS THAT MADE IT BE AS BIG OF A DEAL AS IT IS

((it's a collaborative writing project, all of this is. it's so fucking awesome and i feel honored everyday i get to be apart of someone's world or someone wants to be apart of mine or AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

((you have no idea how HAPPY it makes me to rp and make all of these awesome memories and things happen. i would have been speedrunning instead of this if sonar-mun didn't egg me on to write for carol again.

((musical tea 4evr

((oh! and one last thing!

((plotted threads or plotted THINGS in general are SUPER DUPER FUN because like

((when you have that MOMENT in mind, that moment that you so desperately wish to HIT, it can cause a calvacade of consuing conumdrums figuring out how the hell you GET there

((i wanted to get to the confession really badly but i knew that carol would never do it on her own

((so, how does one get her to do it? have her vent to cory. then to tangle [THIS WAS UNPLANNED, DO YOU SEE WHY I LOVE RP SO MUCH], then talk to milla, and then confess to LILAC, FIRST.

((lilac's confession was the only thing in my mind that made me go ''carol would definitely want to confess to sonar after this. itd give her the confidence she needs. "if lyli can do it, then so can i!!!" ''. and i mean it didnt really turn out like that but STILL

((and THEN, AFTER ALL OF THAT, THEN DOES THE CONFESSION TO SONAR HAPPEN, AND OH FUCKING MAN DID IT HAPPEN.

((raw emotions on display for everyone involved. it was so short but it was also so fucking exciting. i LOVE HITTING THOSE MOMENTS. ITS SO MUCH FUN!!!!!!!

((but uh, yeah.

((tl;dr: theyre both good. i have a lot of passion for both and im totally down to do either or.))

[online-crush-confessions]

Uhm, you've probably received similar asks of this one. I'm F15, and I have this very close online friend M21. We started off decent, we talked since we met through a mutual online friend who I've known for years. We talked a lot after that on calls because we played video games and noticed that he had an a**hole personality (which he's actually known to be pretty much by everyone we knew) , to the mutual friend, not so much to me yet. He's somehow nicer to me at times and my other friend says it was probably because I'm a female. He does jokingly flirt with me and jokingly calls the fbi on himself because I'm a minor. I've established it was never serious since he's known for dark and oppresive jokes. Then when we got a little more close, there were times that he sounded so aggressive and insulted me over a game. That time I didn't mind and I didn't care, because he actually talked to me about his rough childhood. Lots of messed up stuff happened to him as a child that tainted him, probably traumas. Video games seemed like one of his coping mechanisms but it also harmed him in a way where he gets stressed and explodes to us, me and the mutual. He didn't have much friends so we became one of his closest online friends. As this progressed, since I also didn't have lots of friends and didn't experience relationships or true loves or that sort, I'm confused. I feel like I wanted to be there for him or the care for him, I always think of him, of ways to make him feel less alone and better. I would always message him, and he'd message back. At that point I was always asking how he was, he'd answer me normally, and soon he actually started to ask me how I was. We got in a much better terms and tried to avoid triggering him in video games, we talk every day and play. We'd even talk about dreams about each other but it was never romantic, it was almost like he sees me as a younger version of him, giving me advices, never assumes I have a thing for him and he does and jusy never tells incase he's wrong. But we wasn't and I have a thing with him but I don't know or I atleast don't think he think of me any way that I do to him. Sorry for this long ask, you don't have to answer me but I'll be grateful if you do. Thank for for creating this blog, I was able to rant this out. 😂✌️

Thanks for calling in!

I wish I had substantial advice to give, but I’m mostly a little bit concerned! As an individual in my early twenties, I am extremely uncomfortable around people your age and I can’t imagine thinking it’s ok to flirt with a 15 year old, even as a joke, because it isn’t funny!

But I have a few other things to say, the first of which is, to know that it’s not your responsibility to “make him feel less alone.” He’s an adult, and you’re in high school.

The second is that, you probably can’t stop having a crush on him, but if you think he’s socially isolated, it’s for the best to leave it as a friendship. (I’d recommend that to anyone of any age!) If you end up telling him you have feelings for him, there aren’t really any good outcomes. He’ll either choose to take advantage of it, or he’ll be uncomfortable and just become more socially isolated. It could risk your relationship with your mutual friend, too, either way.

[punkscowardschampions]

Nancy & Rio

Nancy: You're with him right now, aren't you? Nancy: With how that convo just went you're gonna need to be Rio: Oh Rio: No, I'm actually at work but I can go back if I need to Nancy: It's me giving fair warning, it's up to you Rio: I don't know what to say Nancy: Me either Rio: This isn't how we wanted this to go down Rio: but I guess there's no speech that would prepare anyone, yeah? Nancy: Unlikely Nancy: You're the only ones who had any time to prepare and you're struggling, like Rio: It's just Rio: if it was anyone else, we wouldn't have to make this big thing of it, it feels awkward Rio: I know it isn't anyone else and that's the point but it doesn't take away from that feeling Nancy: Well, I'm glad you feel awkward too 'cause it's fucking weird Nancy: And he doesn't care at all so Rio: It's just hard for him to hear that Rio: it doesn't feel it Nancy: I literally don't understand this Nancy: You hate him Rio: Well Rio: I don't Rio: It's a headfuck, I know Nancy: Do you? Rio: Yeah Rio: This is why this is the last way we wanted this to come out Nancy: Like there's a better one Nancy: It's still Rio: You can say it, whatever you want Nancy: I've slagged him off to you so many times and the whole time you've Rio: It's not like I've been repeating it, I promise Nancy: That's not even the issue Nancy: God, this is so strange Rio: What is? Like, your main issues personally anyway Nancy: I don't have words for any of this Nancy: We grew up together, all of us, and then me and him drifted but it was okay 'cause so did you and him Nancy: You understood what he was like instead of falling under his spell like everyone else Rio: I still do Rio: I've not been fooled into thinking he's something he's not Rio: but yeah, I've seen other sides of him too Nancy: He told me why you two really stayed away from each other Nancy: So no you don't Rio: It's hard to explain Rio: it doesn't strictly mean I bought into all that Rio: and I did still see what you were saying, regardless Nancy: I don't get why you'd do this Nancy: You're so much better than it Rio: I know it's unconventional, and lots of people are going to have lots of opinions Rio: but I care less about how hard it might be because I love him more Nancy: I don't care that you're cousins, I care that he's him and you're you Rio: Like I said, I've seen different sides Rio: and you've got to admit, he's been getting better Nancy: You don't think I've seen every side? Nancy: That's how I know which one wins out Nancy: I love him too okay, but any change has come 'cause the Chloe thing scared him straight for a while Nancy: He doesn't know how not to revert to type Rio: It's just a different relationship Rio: no one is entirely themselves with any one person really Rio: he's not always been that, he wasn't before, he doesn't have to stay it Nancy: He's been a prick way longer than he wasn't and we both know it Nancy: Harsh but true Rio: He's got his reasons Rio: don't we all? Nancy: I don't want you to get hurt, alright? Rio: I know Rio: and without sounding disingenuous I am glad you care Rio: but it's too late to go back Rio: I don't want to Nancy: Gross Nancy: Don't give me any more details, like Rio: 'Course not Nancy: Did you really have to come for my parents entire relationship dynamic and repeat it with your own spin? Nancy: I'm joking but like also not Rio: I know Rio: the parallels were not lost on me Nancy: If you break up I'll have to move countries again Nancy: Lord knows what you'd have to do Rio: Yeah Rio: It is scary, not gonna lie Nancy: I literally can't and won't pick sides Rio: I'm not going to ask you to, can't promise he wouldn't but you know Rio: hoping it's not gonna come to that, call me an optimist Nancy: Okay that's cute Nancy: Don't make me a believer this fast, thanks Rio: Sorry, like Nancy: Can we like call him by a code name or something? Nancy: This is just Rio: Only 'cos I'm dying to hear your suggestions now Nancy: Don't make me laugh right now Rio: Soz again Rio: I promise I'm never going to come to you with the kinda info that'll have you wishing you were deaf Rio: Never have, 'cos ew boys, yeah? Nancy: I was literally gonna say Nancy: I'm too gay for that whoever it is Rio: Exactly Rio: I know it's going to be weird for a while for all the other reasons but aside from that, just another straight boy right Nancy: Yeah Nancy: Some of your exes have been even bigger pricks too, but don't tell him I said that Nancy: He'll take it as a trade up Rio: My lips are sealed Rio: Though if anyone's trying to deny that then they got bigger problems Nancy: I can't believe you've used those lips on him after how the first time went Nancy: I'm dead here Rio: He was like, what, 9 Rio: Again, the eternal optimist Rio: but hardly with how much he bragged on all his practice so Nancy: Don't Rio: My bad Nancy: Did you like him then? Nancy: When he was 9 I mean, not when he was bragging Rio: I mean Rio: Not to the degree we've been keeping the secret that long Rio: I guess I had a crush on him Rio: pass you the sick bucket, like Nancy: Lord Nancy: I know he did on you, he told me Nancy: Unprompted, which is another level of gross, thank you Nancy: It's like he was in the closet over this in place of me ever being Nancy: So dramatic, like Rio: I'll save my 'cute' for him, don't worry Rio: well you know, do anything for you, like Nancy: Can I come and see you? Nancy: Like I know it's gonna be so awkward in person probably and I wanna get it over with so we can just Rio: Of course Rio: I'd like that Nancy: I miss you Nancy: Even if you do have rubbish taste in boys Rio: I miss you too Rio: all of you Rio: but I don't miss being there, you know Nancy: I get it Nancy: I feel the same about London Rio: Yeah Rio: I thought you would Nancy: I know it's Drew and I really shouldn't expect him to be anything other than the worst but I can't believe he outed you like that Nancy: So fucked up Rio: Yeah, I really hoped he wouldn't but Rio: guess he had no reason not to now Nancy: But like did he ever? I don't understand why he waited Nancy: It must've given you so much false hope that he'd actually keep his mouth shut Nancy: That's cruel Rio: I guess 'cos he wanted to fuck me himself Rio: put it bluntly Rio: couldn't really be talking shit and doing it at the same time Nancy: That makes sense but why not tell everyone after the baby shower, you know Rio: Yeah, I don't know you know Rio: Buster reckoned maybe he was trying to keep Indie on-side a bit but Rio: that worked well for him Nancy: I don't want my brother to be right about anything right now but Nancy: Could be true, I guess Rio: Kinda makes sense Rio: or he just wanted to fuck with us with false hope and sense of security, like you said Rio: Idk, but I'm relieved in a way, like you said, when would ever be the 'right' moment? Nancy: I can relate, obviously not exactly Nancy: But when I finally kissed Sian after wanting to for such a long time it was like Nancy: Not the best example considering what happened after though Nancy: Try not to crash and burn, like Rio: Noted Rio: At least you had the balls to, good idea or not Rio: decidedly not but Rio: maybe we'd have never done it without being forced, idk Nancy: Buster would Nancy: It was obvious how much he wants to be with you Nancy: Gross too but Rio: Yeah Rio: I lowkey stopped him a few times but pretend I didn't admit that he'd only be annoying Nancy: Of course Nancy: I get it now, why he trashed his room that day Nancy: I never did get the real story out of him but it makes so much sense now Rio: That was more about the Chloe thing Nancy: Yeah? Nancy: Oh so he wasn't lying Rio: Don't sound too shocked Nancy: Compared to earlier I'm positively zen Rio: Ha, I have that affect Nancy: You calmed him down that day, didn't you? Nancy: Oh god Nancy: I'm gonna go ahead and repress Rio: Unless you wanna rephrase, probably for the best Nancy: I need you to tell me the safe zones of both our houses so I can exist in there only Nancy: But I also don't wanna know Rio: ... Rio: I dunno if you want me to stay silent or if that says too much Nancy: Please tell me my room was off limits Nancy: I will die Rio: Of course Rio: Not a total animal Nancy: I'm too relieved to argue the pros and cons of what you just said so Rio: 🤐 Nancy: There is one thing I HAVE to ask though Rio: Go on Rio: Slightly concerned but Nancy: Don't worry I'm rolling my eyes at myself Nancy: But be nice to him, yeah? 'Cause I can't but like he's never been in love before Rio: I promise Nancy: He acts tough but I could take him easily Nancy: Especially with things like this Rio: I know Rio: let's not start singing no stranger to heartache though, yeah? Nancy: All I'm saying is, if what happened to me happened to him there'd be nobody left alive Nancy: He's the most dramatic McKenna there is Nancy: Worse than dad and nan put together Rio: I mean, not gonna argue Rio: you are handling it really well, you know Rio: even if you still feel the same mess now as you did then, it doesn't show Nancy: You're the only person who's said anything close to that to me Nancy: So thanks Rio: This family is just shit at talking to each other Rio: not coming for them 'cos well Nancy: I feel like mum is never gonna look at me like she used to Nancy: not to come for Buster's dramatic flair but Rio: I know Rio: She will, she's pretty good Rio: Assume Buster told you she worked it out Nancy: Yeah Nancy: I'd be more shocked if she hadn't 'cause of course Nancy: It's just she's never treated me like I'm stupid before, you know, not with the dyslexia stuff or any of it, but that was before this Rio: Feelings aren't logical though Rio: I reckon she's stinging that SHE didn't know, you know Rio: not for the 'I told you so' or anything but so she could've helped you deal Nancy: I don't know whether to be flattered or horrified that I'm better at keeping secrets than you and him combined Rio: Using all that closet angst you never got to, obviously Nancy: Which reminds me, I can't help wishing Chloe knew about this 'cause of how angry she'd be Rio: I have good news Nancy: REALLY? Nancy: did everyone know but me or what, like? Rio: awks 😬 Rio: but no, her obsession worked to her advantage and she was able to piece together us being at the same place enough times Nancy: Her and mum getting jackets now Nancy: Sorry Drew you missed your chance Rio: Honestly Rio: He did not put the effort in Rio: won't tell you the full deets 'cos you won't wanna know Nancy: umm? Rio: We'll leave it at he may as well have walked in it was that blatant Nancy: OH Nancy: oh my god have you and him ever....when I was there? Rio: Gurl Rio: don't ask Nancy: RIO I KNOW THAT MEANS YES Rio: Shh Nancy: That's despicable Rio: Well that's a bit steep Rio: it's hardly a war crime Nancy: I'm calling it a hate crime Nancy: I can Nancy: I'm gay Rio: 😂 Rio: You clearly didn't hear anything so count yourself lucky Nancy: Please I just assumed it was another posh blonde if I did Nancy: Been there, done my best to ignore that Rio: With this accent? I think not Rio: I was stealth Nancy: I didn't have a glass to the wall sounding out how you said vowels Rio: Trust, you'd know Nancy: CAN YOU NOT Rio: You brought it up! Rio: I'm not trying air my business or his Nancy: I have to go find some ground to swallow me brb Rio: 😏 okay babe Nancy: how is that a euphemism? Rio: idk, your mind, honestly woman Nancy: can you at least promise to keep your hands off each other when I visit or not? Rio: We managed this far, I think we'll be fine Rio: not PDA all the way from here on out, like Nancy: Okay Rio: Thanks, Nance Nancy: For what? Rio: For still being normal with me Nancy: If it was abnormal to fancy Buster I'd be too busy judging half the female population to even speak to you Nancy: Besides, I'm saving my big reinvention for when uni starts, like you said Rio: Yeah? Is that warning me to expect my shade and silent treatment in the post, like? Nancy: Maybe Nancy: Depends what you do between now and then Nancy: You can't see my hair flip but its happening Rio: Oh God, don't become Chloe, like Rio: a misstep if ever there was one Nancy: 😱 Rio: You know, don't be THAT mad I'm with Buster, not goals Nancy: Wash your mouth out Rio: I'm sorry but you never gave me a codename Nancy: That Prick ™️ Nancy: But I meant the comparison between me and her Nancy: That was a deep cut Rio: Yeah, she wishes Nancy: If she tries to date me next just know I predicted it Rio: I'll pray for you Nancy: Such an unholy union what else is there to do? Nancy: I love you but I'm not taking the heat off you that way, like Rio: Not to be that bitch but Rio: kinda owe me twofold now so Rio: tick tock Nancy: BITCH NO Nancy: I also draw the line at boudoir photography Rio: Damn 😂 Nancy: I'll recommend you someone Nancy: They won't be as good obviously Rio: 'Course not Rio: I know my own angles, it's cool Nancy: And nobody loves himself more than him so he's bound to as well Rio: I mean, his feed is pretty poppin' Nancy: 🙄 Rio: 😂 that was just a normal compliment Nancy: How did I not know you're so disgustingly in love? My god Rio: Gay drama, probably Nancy: Sad but true Rio: At least you've got an excuse Rio: everyone else needs a word Nancy: Honestly Rio: Though I'm cool with most of mine skillfully avoiding 'cos I don't need to do this 10x over Nancy: oh no Nancy: imagine Rio: Lucky only some of them are highkey Rio: that's enough Nancy: Yeah Nancy: not that I can say anything 'cause about to excuse myself to cry over my brother having a girlfriend when I don't Rio: Awh babe Rio: wanna hit the town when you come? Nancy: To drink, definitely Nancy: anything else with my track record is a no Rio: Your track record of 1 1/2? Rio: Come to me when you've got at least half a dozen failures, like Nancy: You don't think that's enough mistakes to be making? Rio: Nah Rio: Need I remind you your track record with drinking is not flawless either Rio: but you gotta live, babe Nancy: I'm scared, okay? Rio: That's alright Rio: they won't bite 'less you ask Nancy: 😂 Nancy: What if I'm not ready, I don't wanna fuck anyone over again Rio: It's just the club Rio: harmless, meaningless flirting is the standard Nancy: Yeah? Nancy: Will you actually come with me? Rio: 'Course Nancy: Despite Buster's coffee shop masterclass, which feels like a million years ago anyway, I don't really know what I'm doing Rio: I can show you Rio: but you gotta do it how you would, you know, you can't go too hard with an act Nancy: 🙈 Rio: It'll be fun, been ages since I flirted with a girl Nancy: Don't tell my brother that he'll get bored 😂🙄 Nancy: Help me though I need it Rio: No danger, trust Rio: I will, bring outfit options Nancy: Obviously Nancy: When are we doing this? Nancy: In typical lesbian fashion I need to angst for like 4 years prior Rio: Whenever you can get over Rio: I work most nights but I've got plenty time banked so it won't hurt Nancy: Let's make it happen soon Nancy: Everyone's doing my head in here Rio: Whenever you want, babe Rio: your brother is only as busy as usual so Nancy: Is next weekend too highkey? Rio: Nah, sounds good to me Nancy: Okay Nancy: Anything 🍀 you're missing let me know and I'll pack that too Rio: Just some decent tea, tah Nancy: That ain't even London that's just our house Nancy: Full offense mum Rio: 😂 the real beef comes out Nancy: You missed a chance to say the real tea Nancy: Come on Rio: Damn Rio: really let myself down, like Nancy: mhmm Rio: Ah well, what can ya do Nancy: Do you think if I ask your mum to cat sit while I'm there I'll ever see her again? Rio: Your Ma or the cat? Nancy: Either or Rio: I don't think she's that cold Rio: but one of mine would defs go in and give her TLC Rio: the cat, that is Nancy: 😂 Nancy: I'll text you when my flight's booked then Rio: 👍 See you then babe Nancy: Until then, remember I loved you first 💋 Rio: 😂 Love you too silly bitch