#since my partner told me how he was struggling with me being trans we had talked about it so much and it actually seemed like we were going

[frankensteinmutual]

.

[wouldvelovedmewheniwassoft]

help keep a queer disabled system couple from breaking NC with my rapist ❤️‍🩹

(CW: parental abuse/familial trauma, death from cancer, alcoholism, domestic violence, homelessness, sui + hospitalization, incest/rape, victim-blaming, abandonment + gaslighting by a toxic friend, harassment involving police, disordered eating)

please don't tag my post. proof of situation provided in imgur album.

i've held off on publicly asking for help beforehand, as i know there are many people in more dire circumstances right now. but i'm at a point where it's absolutely necessary.

i moved out of state to live with my partner system (we both have DID) in March of this year. we already planned to live together, but circumstances forced me to escape and go NC (no contact) with my remaining family for my safety.

i lived in my childhood home for my whole life until this year. my parents and extended family have always been abusive, but things escalated after my mom passed from Stage 4 lung cancer. my father started deteriorating after her diagnosis in 2018, and since her death in 2022, our relationship is no longer salvageable.

his alcoholism worsened significantly, resulting in multiple instances of him driving home drunk, collapsing, and almost being charged with a DUI. he hasn't hit me since i was 13, but he's acted domestically violent by slamming and hitting things whenever i've angered him. he threatened me with homelessness twice for being suicidal (once after a four day hospitalization, once after an attempted overdose), knowing full well i had no resources at the time and would've ended up on the streets. i attempted to escape last year, but my paternal aunt purposefully sabotaged it, forcing me to stay in an unsafe situation and suffer quietly. my mother's family abandoned me in 2020, and they no longer accept me (specifically for being queer/trans, disabled, and a vocal leftist), so they wouldn't help even if i wanted to resume contact.

it took over a year to move out due to my father controlling every aspect of my life with the justification of me being disabled. i tried to get his blessing for me to move in with my partner; but he refused to let me leave him, and he made it clear his disapproval of my relationship was because he didn't want me to have any autonomy outside of him.

the breaking point came after three days of nonstop verbal and emotional/mental abuse from him over an argument he started; everything culminated in him raping me while i was incapacitated. both my best friend of three years and their partner offered for me to crash at their apartment while my partner planned to get me. they also escorted me to a sexual assault center in my state to get a rape kit done.

i burned nearly every bridge in the process, as the people who could help me sided with him. but i didn't anticipate my friends to abandon me, too. they spent my last three days with them coercing me into changing my escape plan and dismissing my visible distress at how doing so would jeopardize my safety. less than 12 hours before we left, my best friend abandoned me via text, saying they'd refuse to help me if i didn't get police involved. anything i said in response resulted in gaslighting from them, mainly using therapy speak of "boundaries" and "triggers" to justify their actions. i cut contact with them after my partner told me they planned to drop me from the start (they told my partner this in a phone call while i was out) and discovering a cruel vague post they made after i last texted them. the last time i ever reached out was to send them money to get through their own situation.

since then, my partner and i have struggled financially. they're currently one write-up away from being fired, and their supervisor has always been volatile, so confronting him or going to anyone else at their job will do nothing. they've gotten help from their grandparents, but they're similarly abusive and unaccepting of them for the same reasons, so it hurts them to beg them even if they're unable to go NC right now.

i'm unable to reapply for disability, and previously lucrative sources of passive income have currently dried up. i'm waiting for orientation to be scheduled so i can start my new job, but we've financially suffered in the meantime. my account was charged off, and i only just now paid off a month's worth of PayPal debt; most of the debt came from paying off medical bills after i was injured in late April (currently contemplating pursuing legal compensation but nothing's set in stone).

i had to break NC twice for my father to help, but it's been triggering both times. i had to block his number before due to him harassing me via call/text, and he made me talk to police twice by falsely reporting me missing.

i cannot risk breaking NC again if my future job falls through or my partner loses theirs. we both had to skip meals several times within the past month to keep from buying food, so it's gotten scary already.

anything you can send helps. if you're unable to, PLEASE share this wherever you can. i also do writing commissions, so DM me to know my rates and what i'm willing to write.

ca | pp | vm

imgur album

(edit 6/18/24: created a new imgur album link; had no idea why the first one was inaccessible, but hopefully this is better formatted and contains additional context)

[starsfic]

we hear about pigsy's mom alot but what about the rest of his family? pigsy having a fairly big extended family that maybe lived more rurally. despite the distance, they keep in contact through social media and the occasional family gathering. showing support in any way they could. when they found out he adopted an abandoned child they were very supportive offering advice on childcare and a few even sending money to help him support the kid. They welcomed the child as easily, and though he didn't get to see them much Mk did have a good relationship with pigsys family, especially with the other kids. there was one set of relatives, who didn't quite approve but remained quiet since the rest of the family adored MK. that is until said relatives came to visit pigsys shop for the first time in years and saw that MK was still around. "Cus you still have that kid around? come on he's an adult now, any responsibility you have of had is over with just kick him out already" and this was why this cousin and his family weren't welcomed back in all those years. this particular cousin and his wife had a very negative opinion of "adopted kids" regardless of what pigsy and the others felt they saw MK as "a stain mudding the bloodline" or whatever bullshit. pigsy wasn't happy having to listen to the two grip at him about it. but he became really irate when they and their two kids started spreading their hatful viewpoint to mk directly. and on his birthday no less.

Anon: Monkie kid prompt: “Pigsy?”, asked MK “Hm?”, answered Pigsy “How come you never talk about your dad or grandpa?”

AITA for letting family drama ruin my son's birthday?

So, for context, I (44M) and my partner (42M) adopted my son (20sM) when he was about three, soon after my mother passed. I come from a very large family that mainly lives out in the country- I broke tradition by moving to the city, and we mainly keep in contact through email, social media, and calls and the occasional mass family gathering. Additional context, my father took my mother's surname because he was orphaned very young.

My family was delighted when I adopted my son, even though I was in denial about being his dad. There was a massive outpouring of love, advice, and even money since the adoption was a surprise (my son was abandoned and left to wander around). The only issues I had at that point were with my cousin and his wife, who had certain views about adopted children and bloodline purity. They tried to tell me once to just give him up to the foster system, and I told them to shut their mouths. They did because they knew they were outnumbered.

The second issue was when my son came out as FtM trans as a teenager. He didn't know his name when I found him, so I picked my mother's name on the spot. When he came out, he chose a name similar to hers but mainly used a nickname because the name was long. My father and grandfather took issue with this- as far as I knew, they had no issues with trans people until they found out about my son. I think their issues were based on grief, but the stuff they said was nasty and rude, and I cut them off.

Now, this past weekend was my son's birthday and Gotcha Day. My son has been going through a massive health struggle thanks to some massive events that happened one right after the other, leading to an attempt on his life last year. However, he has been getting help thanks to his friends and family, including a recently discovered bio-brother. My son has also gained a partner who decided to propose to him during the celebration (I have thoughts about the partner and how long their relationship has been, but I do know they love each other). Bio Brother owns a few buildings, including a large manor in between my place and my family's, and insisted on throwing a huge party because he loves the shit out of my son.

My cousin and his wife, including their two teenagers, were invited. I hadn't really thought about it since they had behaved ever since I told them to shut up. I assumed they would behave...except they didn't.

At some point during the party, they yanked me and my partner aside to ask why Son was still in our lives. "Cus you still have that kid around? Come on, he's an adult now; any responsibility you have of had is over with. Just kick him out already." was one of the few things said. I was angry, but then I found the teenagers cornering Son, saying the most vile things about him.

This included revealing why I didn't talk to my father or grandfather anymore.

The party was ruined after that.

Everyone has been telling me it wasn't my fault. I had thought that they would behave. I didn't know their teenagers would be so rude and nasty to the birthday boy. My son has been pleading with me not to blame myself, but I can see the shutters going down in his eyes.

Is this my fault?

[tackletofset]

If I had to choose one word to describe "Dark Heir," it would be 'OTHERWORLDLY.'

[There will be NO SPOILERS in this Review, only vague hints]

“Critiquing the idea of a classic hero and a reclaiming of the queer villain”

These words are written under the blurb of the very ARC. Sadly, most people are still missing the point.

Dark Rise is my true love in the form of a book series. 

As a queer person who grew up sympathizing with villains (who are often queer-coded), this book series undoubtedly serves as a great form of escapism. I feel seen and understood. I found a home here.

Reading Dark Heir was a surreal experience, almost like a sudden storm hitting me all at once. It was like being pulled into a whirlwind. It is everything I could ever wish for!!!

I devoured this book in just TWO DAYS, which is unexpected given my typically SLOW reading pace. It's worth noting that Dark Heir is considerably longer than Dark Rise (with Dark Rise comprising 34 chapters and Dark Heir containing 51). It is also fueled by my eagerness to continue the story after a two-year wait, particularly following that cliffhanger!

Will has always been my favourite character since "Dark Rise," and this sequel only amplifies it. I perceive his struggles with the truth of his identity, as a metaphor for internalized queerphobia. Many queer youth, including myself, have been told that our queerness is evil and abhorrent, leading us to hide and deny our true selves in the pursuit of acceptance from others. Will's yearning for his friends' acceptance, especially from Violet, his best friend.

Many of us would be delighted to see that James has POV chapters in this book! It's great to see his perspective on not only his feelings about Will or Sarcean but also about his family history.

I'm equally excited about introducing the new character, Visander, and I'm thrilled that he can be interpreted as trans. Knowing that CS Pacat identifies as genderqueer/non-binary, I would like to see him writing more trans-coded characters. Visander is a character who fascinates me, as there are times when he can be both lovable and yet totally frustrates me.

Praise Pacat (again), who has been so generous to give us the “Surprise POVs” which made me scream and jump up and down at 2 a.m.

I seriously love the parts where we got to explore more of the Old World. The twists within them are both surprising and, in a way, expected. I've always held the belief that history was written by the victors, and as a result, the truth about the Dark King and the Betrayer was also lost in time. It was also very gratifying to see that the characters that were once hailed as the paragons of virtue were not so saint-like after all.

I hate classic heroes. I despise them and I won't even try to hide it.

Doubtlessly, the Old World chapters are my favourites. And I yearn to have even more of them in Book 3 because I want to know more details about how Sarcean came to power- and his downfall, and the full truth about his relationship with Anharion! I wouldn't mind the book stretching to 60+ chapters to accommodate it.

Pacat has indeed delivered on his promises to infuse this sequel with even more "on-page gay" content, so readers need not fret about the shortage of romance. They are plentiful, to say the least.

Now, returning to my initial point:

!!!Dark Rise is not a story about escaping an abusive male partner!!!

While numerous stories tackle this theme, and it is worth telling, this is not one of them.

This is a story about queer people reclaiming their identities. It speaks to those who have been vilified, demonized, alienated, and even disowned from a young age by the very individuals who should have shielded them—their parents and guardians.

They are continuously taught that their queerness is immoral, abhorrent, and despicable, leading them to believe they must conceal and deny their true selves, often feeling as though they are harbingers of evil and thus destined for condemnation. It sheds light on how queer youths grapple with internalized queerphobia due to an environment that refuses to accept them for who they are.

The accusations hurled at the "villainous figures" within this story mirror the stigma that the bigoted society frequently directs at queer individuals: that we’re lewd, vulgar degenerates, disease-spreaders and a danger to children. 

Dark Rise and Dark Heir underscores our society’s twisted morality that the only available paths for queer individuals are either to deny their queerness or face the gravest consequences. In other words: be converted or unalived.

For those of us who have been demonized and alienated by the people who were supposed to protect us—we are not evil. We do not deserve the abuse directed at us, and it is not our fault. There is nothing wrong with us. We deserve happiness, love, safety, and acceptance.

We should all be unapologetic and unafraid of our true selves, like James.

And oH MY GOD. THAT ENDING!!! You think the prologue was crazy??? You wouldn’t LIVE to see that ending.

I have fantasized about *that* final line before, but I thought it was cheesy and that it might be something more like Prince Gambit's "The King! Damianos! He lives!" but it was not like that at all 🤣🤣🤣

It's my dream cheesy line 💜💜💜

[r0-boat]

Heyyy wassupp

(This is my first time using Tumblr after a long period of time so idk if I'm requesting how i should)

I'm not sure if you take SFW requests but if you do, here's my request:

Ingo and Emmet having a partner that is trans (Both FTM or MTF are fine) finally decides to tell them,but they're really shy about telling them?

Thank you! :)

Hi! Congratulations for sending your first request! Yes I do sfw and nsfw

I've always to right about something like this but keep in mind that I am not trans so if I get things wrong please please tell me! Because again I am not trans and I don't want to either spread false information or say something that's potentially hurtful or insensitive.

Trans!Reader x Ingo

Trans!reader x emmet

Shy Reader coming out to Ingo and Emmet as trans.

Emmet

He noticed something was off in your behavior recently; being very perceptive to behavior changes, the slightest difference could send him questioning. He knew you were shy, but you seemed more dismissive than fearful; immediately, he asked if you were okay, and you were scared stiff that your boyfriend was already on to you. He answered,' Yeah... I just wanted to talk to you later.' his heart was pounding, and Emmet was freaking out on the inside. He knew you were lying. The look on your face was everything. It was all he thought about. If something were bothering you, then he would want to know now at this second. So he could either fix the problem or make you feel better, but he knew that if it was important to you, then he should never press and force you to tell him until you're ready, no matter how much he doesn't like when you keep things from him.

His heart was pounding when he saw you again you look like you were ready to cry as you talked very Softly your voice breaking is you struggled to find your words. He waited, wanting to physically comfort you as you find what you were trying to say. When you finally tell him that the gender he's always known you as wasn't what you were born with. You frozen fear when you saw his face; however, his Blank Stare turned into something else when he sighed in relief.

No it wasn't because you were trans in fact he was extremely happy with the fact that you took the courage to come out to him. He reassured that he would always love you no matter who you were....

"then what about that sigh of relief and that look on his face?" You ask because of that split moment it did kind of freak you out.

"Oh when you wanted to talk I thought we were breaking up. I prepared for the worst. I'm verrrrry glad it wasn't that." Emmet said a hand scratching the back of his head feeling nervous about the whole thing that Signature Smile of his becoming softer.

He apologizes for how he acted earlier and if he had scared you. And the two of you got ice cream/lunch to celebrate.

Ingo

At first, he has a million questions. He reassures you that at any time, if you'd like to talk about it, please take your time to tell him. He does not pick up on your change in Behavior. However when you do tell him in his head, he tries to find the problem before you even try to talk to him all day. It's just questions about the times he was slightly annoying and vowed to change it.

When you wanted to talk about anything important it could never be in a public place since Ingo is still struggling with his volume control. And even then Ingo tried to talk a little quiet at you he's not sure if it actually helps or not he just doesn't want to become too much.

He takes all important talks with you with the utmost seriousness. You adore it but at the same time it's a little scary. It's really hard when he looks you directly in the eye. as you begin talking he listens, taking it every word, but he couldn't stay quiet for long occasionally making small comments as you continue with your story of when before you transition to gather your courage.

Then you told him his eyes widening. You were scared at first even though that face of shock was something you expected. But your worries quickly dissipated and your eardrums as well when Ingo shouted excitedly "BRAVO!! CONGRADULATIONS!!" He was sad that he wasn't there too celebrate with you when you transitioned or any Milestone that you went past or support your hardships and at the same time he was extremely happy that you told him this information and trusted him with it and it just all rolled into excitement.

His Outburst almost scared the trans out of you but nonetheless you were extremely happy he took it well giving him a smile despite your ears now ringing. Realizing what are you done he immediately starts apologizing for his outburst. He offers to take you out to a restaurant and pay for dinner anywhere you want.

[whisperedgreetings]

What Boy Meets Maria Means to Me

SPOILERS AHEAD

CW: mentions of SA and pedophilia. These topics aren’t comfortable even with me most of the time. Please stay safe, okay?

So. I picked up this manga because I fell in love with the art style and heard it didn’t have the usual fetishization most MLM stories have in manga. It seemed sweet, if not exceedingly dorky. Two theater kids fall in love. A one-shot MLM grumpy x sunshine story.

I had no idea what I was getting into.

“There’s nothing worse than always being alone.”

Now, this story felt deeply personal for a number of reasons. Let’s start with the main character, Taiga. He wants to be the best actor in Japan. He’s loud, determined, and doesn’t seem to notice when people find him utterly annoying, nor does he seem to understand the social rules of the world around him. All in all, he reminds me a lot of my current boyfriend.

And then there’s Maria. Or rather, Arima.

I’ve never been so hurt by how close to home a character hit before.

Arima was raised by a mother who wanted a daughter. He was raised as a girl, and often felt enough like one to be okay with it. But it never felt quite right. On this alone, I could relate a lot to that as a more feminine trans man. Girly clothes felt fine, being referred to as a girl didn’t feel inherently wrong. But being a boy felt entirely right, and that was something to feel guilty about. But there’s more than that.

Now. This is hardly something I like to discuss, so I’ll keep it to a minimum. At a certain point, Arima’s insecurity with his gender got to a point where he was driven to ask his teacher how he’d feel if Arima really was a boy. And, as soon as that was said, that same teacher assaulted him.

Of course, reading this was beyond painful. It’s natural to read something like that and get the pit in your stomach that’s usual when hearing of other’s tragedies. But how the event changed Arima meant just as much. The event led Arima to view being seeing seen as a man as dangerous, as something scary and vulnerable. And he found safety in his femininity, as that was never subjected to the horrors his masculinity did.

It’s often speculated that trans men are the way they are because of some bad memory they have with their born gender, rather than it being a part of their identity. I face the blunt of this rather often, as a trans man that also happens to be an SA survivor. Seeing this told from an AMAB perspective made it feel less belittling, somehow. My struggle with my identity since that point feels more real. My assault followed the same pattern as Arima’s. I disclosed with someone I trusted that I might really be a boy. And then I was assaulted by that person the same day. And like Arima, I still find safety in being perceived as feminine. I still often hide behind it, as being seen as the man I am seems more vulnerable. I’ve never seen my exact feelings written out the way I feel them.

Now, back to Taiga. I mentioned that he reminds me a lot of my boyfriend. Taiga, throughout the book, seems to look up to Arima for his talents. Arima however, is jealous of Taiga for his ability to be so open and outspoken about who he is and what he wants for himself. Neither understand how the other could want to be more like them. This was something me and my partner struggled a lot with as well, for a lot of the same reasons. It felt so silly and cliche at the time, for us to be jealous of each other like that. And yet, there it was. Not laughed at. Not mocked. It was seen as a real struggle. The reason we grew was the reason they did. It was real growth, and growth I can be proud of.

“I couldn’t help looking up to you. I didn’t want you to see my weaknesses. But it didn’t matter what I showed you. With you, I could be masculine. I could be myself. That’s how I felt. It was refreshing. And now, I really can’t let you see how pathetic I am.”

I’m happy I can say that I was able to make the same progress Arima’s character did. Healing is painful. PTSD is painful. And seeing my own painful view of the world put into words hurt. But I needed it. And I thank the author for giving this to me. I will treasure it forever, even if it was only one small book in a sea of other wonderful works. This one is mine.

For those who read all this but never read the manga, thank you, I guess, for being interested in what I have to say. If you decide you want to pick it up, please check the content warnings beforehand. And if it grows to be too much, drop it. Nothing is worth risking your mental health for, let alone a single book. What means so much to me does not need to mean as much to you.

I love you all dearly.

[casper has logged off]

[amygdala-suzanna]

I'm gonna rant about my identity, trauma, girlfriends, Life Is Strange, and Gwen Stacy for a bit.

"nerdy middle-class trans-lesbian white-girl" is probably like the most inoffensive label someone could have. It probably even sounds fragile to a lot of people. But that is what I am.

I'm definitely not normal though, people often find my interests disturbing when I'm allowed to go on about them. Unhinged sadistic demons and gothic fantasy blade-wielding blood-covered warriors are certainly my favorite kind of characters to present myself as when given the opportunity to roleplay. My heart rate doubles when my girlfriend describes how they'd allow me to bite down on their neck. I love horror, being scared and being scary, and it's not pleasant to most, but that is what I like.

The thing that comforts me about being discomforting like that is that there's nothing for me to prove to anyone. Those close to me can just smile and laugh at my absurdity. Even better if they find it exciting. But, all my life with my parents I always feel like I have to prove something to them in order to justify asking for anything. This has carried over to my love life. I really struggle with asking my partners for anything. I developed a habit of avoiding confrontation with my parents by simply doing things based on my presumptions and hoping they'll be okay. It's pretty bad.

At four years old I had the displeasure of learning what I was. This was traumatizing, because I knew I was inside. In my dreams as a kid I always saw myself as a girl. When I learned that I was born a boy because of my body something broke inside me and I have been in and out of dissociation ever since. There used to be four alters in our system. The one that played the role of "boy" was evicted from the system some time in the 10th grade when we realized that there was serious gender dysphoria with the three other feminine alters inside and the masculine body. Sam fucking killed him and I'm glad she did.

When I came out to the then-girlfriend, she rejected me, hard. I had to spend like 4 hours on a phone call with her convincing her that I was the same person, unaware that I was lying to her more and more with every minute that passed. Because we were not the same, not remotely.

That relationship ended poorly. I still hate her for stealing my life for those 3 years. I hate that my experience playing Life Is Strange was with her, and I hated that she made me feel bad about wanting Max to kiss Chloe. Fuck her. I pored over so much Pricefield fanart that night and it made stronger impacts on my memory than anything you've ever done for me.

When I came out to my parents, of course, I had to prove it to them. They didn't believe me for the first two years, of course, they had to send me to a therapist who just told them exactly what I told them two years prior. Then they didn't believe her either and sent me to another one who came to the same conclusion. Guess fucking what, dad, I'm a woman and I always have been. Don't ever fucking say that you "lost" your son, you never had one, it was just a stupid fucking alter playing make-believe because it thought it had no other choice until Andrew told me he had a trans friend.

Fuck.

Watching the new Spiderverse recently and seeing Gwen's arc with her dad hit it perfectly for me. "Wow, look at this trans teenage girl who loves punk rock and lives in a world purveyed by a living watercolor painting that feels like a dream of color and melancholy and identity. She's just like me for real." I'm probably just like 90% of the other trans women seeing this in the theater in thinking that. I wonder how many other saw that aesthetic and were viscerally reminded of the overall aesthetic of Life Is Strange. Guess what, that's another story about a nerdy white girl with a savior complex trying to prove herself to everyone while just trying to be in love.

Teen white girls with identity crises and issues about proving themselves are not in short supply in American fiction by any means, but fuck it still hurts my heart seeing Gwen's dad come around to listening to her. I know my dad eventually came around just the same, but he didn't do it in a way that didn't hurt. I just wish it didn't hurt me and make be bitter and never want to go back home.

It would be really nice if I got to be the teenage girl I always wanted to be. I suppose that's what I'm doing now, in college. With the girlfriends and dates and all. It still hurts that Brynn decided she doesn't want to date a poly girl. I love her so much and I even enjoyed spending time with her family. I know we are still great friends, but that space between us does still make me sad. I'm grateful for Lil asking to be girlfriends just in time for Brynn to decide that, and Lil is really sweet and makes me really happy, but the sadness isn't gonna go away soon, I feel.

Melancholy helps get the emotions out at least. I think probably like two people will read this post until this point. Maybe Acorn if anyone. If you are here, you're a real friend, I knew I could count on you to pay attention to my stupid vent posts. Weird to find out here that Brynn isn't dating me anymore, isn't it. Oh well.

[not-that-blog]

My DID is out of control for the first time since I was maybe 19¿ and it's nothing like it was then; not destructive or chaotic or life destroying...

Just so switchy and scared and detatched.

And I'm in one of the queerest and happiest relationships I've ever had and I should be better at communicating and admitting to myself and my partner how much I adore them.

And I talked to my cousin tonight and we were doing 'shadow work time' and talking and he's one of the few people I'm fully honest with because him and my housemate are the two people in this world I know will never judge or hate me for my dumbassery from mental illness and trauma as long as I keep recovering long term.

Those two are heaven sent when it comes to my sobriety especially.

Anyway, we were talking and it came out of my mouth how I'm honestly still afraid of being queer and every time I date someone and have to confront it again, I realise that everything that goes wrong I mentally read as a 'punishment from god' because growing up christian that is a lot of what I got told.

So when I missed pride last weekend and couldn't see my partner because I had/have a bacterial infection that was highly contagious and is now still left me with an ear infection and post infection lung issues… I still struggle to not blame myself for it feeling like I did something wrong to make some higher power mad.

And part of converting to Judaism was the 'These things are not punishments, they're just living organisms living' approach most people give me and that for the first time in my life I had people not blaming me and my queerness as a reason my first girlfriend and her sister died.

Or why I lost my babies. And may never be able to get pregnant.

Or telling me that I was abused as a kid because I was queer and it was a punishment for being 'inherently sinful' and that I somehow deserved the abuse because I didn't grow up to be a 'perfect christian housewife.'

I struggle to tell my partner that they're as amazing as they are and how much I genuinely love and want them, or ask the questions that I need to ask for the reassurance we probably both need at this point; because I has so much religious trauma from being raised christian that at 25, nearly 26, after years away from it; it still makes me feel like maybe I'm better off dead because I am so afraid of being punished for being gay and trans.

And he is honestly so fucking incredible and kind and patient and caring and strong and stubborn and I love them dearly.

I doubt my polyamory less than I doubt my queer.

Purely because that one feels less like I'm going to be hated for it.

No one threatened my life for being polyamorous.

No one made their kid homeless for dating me because of polyamory.

No one glassed someone because they stood up for me being polyamorous.

No one told me that my babies were dead because of my polyamory.

But being bi? Being trans?

I had a panic attack when Moose just called and told his father he's bi and dating a man when we were dating. I cried for months over the fact that went well. I still cry over it.

And he'd been told how I'd had an ex's father threaten to kill me after I came out as trans bc I 'turned their son gay'.

But I don't think I've told many people how I watched my first girlfriends sister get glassed to the face when she stood in front of two 13/14yr old teenage girls and a 45+ yr old drunk man who was furious about 'having a faggot dyke of a child who should've never been born in the first place.' and was definitely going to try and kill us.

It's my partners birthday.

In like 6-7hrs we're going to brunch.

And all I can think is how I keep trying to shove down this trauma as if it doesn't constantly make saying the words 'I love you' to them absolutely terrifying because I spend every second of my days fighting my OCD that my existence is not going to hurt them and I can not push them away because I'm scared of something horrifying happening when there's no evidence of that happening.

They have a supportive and loving family.

I have cut my toxic family off and am low contact with my mother.

I am safe and living out of home and I shouldn't still be this scared.

But I still can't really imagine myself getting old and I wish I could wrap myself in their arms more often and just hold them close because even holding their hand is usually enough to stop the spiral in my head because just the reassurance they're here and real and safe is helpful. (I have hallucinations and have been literally haunted by hallucinations of my ex girlfriend's death and her sisters since honestly hours about hearing she died and how. I sometimes have this fear that everything around me is a hallucination and I'm going to lose everyone because of it despite my hallucinations having not been that level of severity since I was like 7-9¿ish and had been awake for almost a week straight from panic attacks from how much traumatic shit was happening and it was like right as my parents started talking divorce and we were getting dragged out of bed to go to my grandmothers constantly which is where I was being SA'd so like; no safe home life, no safe school life, just night-terrors.... hallucinating a whole new world because I was that sleep deprived and fucked up wasn't the worst thing to happen but as an adult it's my biggest fear because now it would be life destroying when back then it was just another bad month.)

I don't know how to unpack this trauma anymore. Or what to do.

I just want to be able to love my partner without being afraid of losing them.

I want to be able to tell them how much I love them while sober. I don't want to get drunk to feel safe enough to love someone.

I don't want to be so scared of my own feelings that I accidentally numb myself because I'm still afraid me being queer will mean I'm a danger to my partner.

I just want to love him how he deserves to be loved.

[sincelastsession]

Joshua that number I left for my past EMDR therapist is the only way I've gotten in touch with her. I did request my records, she said she'd send them. They weren't delivered ever. I really really do want to get my files from her I am entitled to a copy via state law. It contains a fuck ton about me that I really feel will help because the sheer amount of traumas to bring up again is going to jar me trying to list em out. I feel like it'll definitely assist you on my treatment plan greatly because we did A LOT.

I assume that there's a place files of this nature are supposed to go?

I assume you would know who to call to help me secure them? Or perhaps we could find out. Even if you don't want to use them...I would very much like a copy of her files on me.

I can sign paperwork for you next session for you to get my files if I haven't and idk who else you'd like to talk to or option to chat with other than psychiatrist and primary care but I'll sign documents with them.

I think she still has a profile on psychology today and email...but the text number I left has been my only way to catch her...

I don't want to be nasty but if she can't produce my files I will call a lawyer. Because yes they'll be great for therapy but I asked a while back.

I'm going to send an image of your card to her and request she leave a voice-mail or talk to Chelsea so we can get that done.

It's just BOTHERING me.

I do understand your treatment style us very different.

Also fuck Robyn. I got so much "feedback" to say about her. She takes literal young men and women who are struggling and honestly I see those patients struggling more with thier gender identity and transitioning. I don't think she's safe for LGBTQA+ folks. That's imo something that should be between a psychiatrist and endo foremost before hitting therapy. Like ive spoken to mine about it and we have different views but now that I have I can open up abt that. Like she invited a client to her home. I feel she pushed a bi male into transitioning and imo the trans ppl I know are happy and she doesn't seem happy now at all. She told me to break up with my now ex and treated me like a liar and literally sessions with her felt like interrogation and SUPER judgy and she was VERY FAKE with my parents who were ofc putting on a show for her.

I cannot begin to explain how well my parents are at manipulating therapists and turning it into everything being on me and as soon as I say something in response or try to blow their cover it's WILD because the one thing they don't realize they do is thier facial expressions. They'll either over mask or forget to do it. They always trip up.

Mom likes to play victim and very clueless kind. Dad does this in a different manner, he's subject to get pissed and walk out or raise his voice unless he's gonna act right because you're not a woman.

The weirdest part of having been raised by these people. The way I've studied them since childhood to please them. They adapt and use therapy against me. They don't remember what they've said or done. They seem put out by me telling them "hey what you did was fuckin wrong and yeah I've brought it up before and you shut down and we never settled it" then they'll be like "you just love to hold grudges" etc... but it's not that. I'd like to process it all or what I can. The reason it comes up over and over is because it's not going into memories to be forgotten in my brain. It's just hanging out in the fuckin trauma bay. Like a packed ER.

I am open to whatever type of family therapy is beneficial. Often times my dad is nasty to my mom when she's calling or texting about me. I don't think she deserves any bullshit if she's just relaying a message.

Like they got divorced and still fight like idiot assholes.

She left and I had a fucked up back and was a stoner and kept to myself because my father treated me like a partner to abuse and daughter to control and there's a ton of emotional incest. Dad also talks to young ppl online and what I saw years ago looked like grooming behavior and poor pity me with women of age I hope but still younger than me. Probably because many older men try to influence young women and never emotionally mature correctly and actually accept their age. I remember him on dating sites complaining about how ugly certain women were whose profiles imo were quite lovely and impressive. He acts sorta like an incel.

My sister you'll probably see straight through. She's an actress.

I do want to see with a few sessions if it may be possible to salvage anything with any of them.

What's upsetting is that though I have a poor sense of self...they don't really know me or seem to want to know me.

My psychiatrist thinks it's due to me not being healthy and also that I'm not married and doing the "normal" thing so there's resentment.

Since NONE of them listen to anything I have to say because they're all under the impression I'm trying to control them based on well nothing other than I'm gonna guess THE PAST.

They think I'm frantic. They haven't really read anything about what I deal with. They don't listen to listen. They listen to reply and they cherry pick and twist things I say to mean things they don't.

I don't know how to have a conversation with any of them without them exploding. My dad and mom have literally put me on speaker and walked off and my sister idfk last time I tried to speak to her she was FADED and I hung up.

They all have excuses.

It hurts that they won't accept and educate themselves like my friends do. It's not hard.

I fear they are both VERY mentally unwell and I'd really like to hear what you think.

I do have audio I keep forgetting to show you. I feel it's important and it will give you an idea of what a "light" encounter with them both while having a fucked up back and asking for help because I couldn't do laundry on my own sounds like. I recorded it because it'd already been happening that day and they do the narccistic tornado and I wanted to make sure my words weren't twisted more.

I wish I had more recorded. It's wild.

I'm concerned my dad is fucking with Piper's head but she's already a shitshow (I love my sister but I'm gonna fuss about her crap still)

I feel like I'm playing Squid Games and talking to any of them is a test.

My dad has told me to kill myself and to die and he's left me alone in the hospital after relieving my mom where I was then abused and left in a waiting room with a dead phone and no way to go pee for HOURS because my back was out.

We almost sued OLOL for the maltreatment.

This is not the first time I've been left alone in a hospital and abused.

People think I'm a hypochondriac but I just have a special interest in medical. I grew up in medical environments. Knowing as much as I can retain has kept me safe from further misdiagnosis and malpractice bullshit. I wish I could actually just gent sent to a mayo clinic or idk one of the big hospitals where they use diagnosticians and run you through the gambit.

I know it's not a thing unless ppl are very sick. I mean it was traumatic as a child to be put in NIH testing for a Dermatomyositis study. I don't remember meeting other kids. I just met Ted Kennedy one day while I was playing waiting on another test. It was scary being like 8 and seeing secret service fill a room and guard a door so he could have a photo with me. He did talk to me a ton and I really don't remember what he said. My parents were thrilled and I'm sure there's a cat piss stained picture somewhere.

Did you know that my sister and dad just threw a ton of my things away and donated or tossed most of my books. I had a massive bookshelf. Now it's covered with things that are mine and shit my sister used to make her room aesthetic without asking me.

It has always been hard to go home and get anything from her. I really just want to take everything that was or is mine. Things I gave her and things she stole.

I don't think she realizes I have 2yrs to file a report on the assault and I could take her to court for emotional distress too and probably more.

I've never gotten justice for any of the things that have happened to me.

I wish I could just send all thier asses to prison but they wouldn't survive.

They all think I won't do anything. That's been taunted at me.

They have no clue. They have no clue what they created and they have no clue what goes on in my head.

Sometimes I think that there's something supernatural at play.

I believe in those sorts of things. I don't talk about it much enthusiastically because ofc people like to shit on it.

I know most of the things that haven't been proven by science will eventually be.

I know that also it does exist. Our govt wouldn't have done studies to use ppl with ability for war purposes.

I know a lot of cold reading is fueled by trauma. I don't like to cold read. I think people who sell cold reads etc are just very good at telling others what they want to hear...or they're so desperate they will truly take advice.

When I read things come through and there's this process. It's mind's eye where pictures and words come through. Then I just ask about what I see or deliver whatever messages. I was pushed out of a group that was threatened by my reading. They were threatened because they are frauds. If a message doesn't make sense for someone then I tell them to just take what makes sense. It's often like a crowded room when I read for people. It's been a while since I tried beyond simple shit. I've scared the crap out of friends holding thier hand and reading them. Because they never told me about the people I relayed messages. I didn't just guess. I opened myself up to it and flooded in.

Sometimes I want to get Reiki certification so I can just do that for ppl. I was told by a master that I was a natural energy worker. I was told by native shamans that I was a gatekeeper. My grandmothers had thier little superstitious practices.

This is the part you'll probably want to ask more about if I haven't talked abt it. I've exorcized a demonic or spiritual entity out of a person before. There's no way to prove it. I know what I saw and heard. I wasn't high.

It makes me wonder how many cases are actually supernatural and how many are actually just mental illness.

Also it's been driving me insane Joshua but I know you somehow outside of therapy. I do wonder if we've just been at the same place at the same time more than once and that's why I remember your face or if we have many mutual ppl. This is a big city small town so who knows. I hope it doesn't fuck up th Or you have a doppelganger 🤷🏻‍♀️

Idk.

I think one reason ppl think me and Travis would be a pair is because he's just a really kind good person. This extends beyond me and to others he knows. His family really is picturesque. They are excellent people. He will make someone incredibly happy one day. I am really bothered by people passing him over. He's actually looking for a therapist. I wouldn't be bothered if any of my friends saw you as a patient. The whole "oh no we can't do therapy with people you know" thing imo is silly. People in this state all know each other to the point it's just goofy.

My partner called me all excited that he didn't have to work overnight. He called because he was going out and felt bad that he wouldn't get to chat with me and had planned on doing so and had been excited to do so. He actually said "I Love you" more than once and I told him to go have fun. Saying I Love you is difficult for him sometimes. Am I sad I'm not getting to talk to him? Yes. Am I happy he got out of a stressful work night to enjoy time with his buddies or other partner? Yes, why wouldn't I be? I do get sad that I can't be there but it's still better than half the mfers that are just overgrown fuckbois etc that don't even have the emotional maturity to call.

I'm gonna go smoke out, do smol bit of laundry in my travel laundry bucket thing, eat decent food, stay up to an asinine hour, and play Sims4.

Hopefully no dumb bullshit occurs.

I cannot and I'm not the one this evening.

Goodnight

[genderkoolaid]

Are we sharing examples or transandrophobia? I want to share especially as an autistic trans man and how that intersect. Tw for like mentions of r@pe but no detail. These specific incidents actually run through my mind almost constantly. I came out for the FIRST time when I was 16: -people refused to use the name I had chosen despite me pointing out that's stupid because out cis male friend had changed his name just because he didn't like it and all I was doing was dropping one letter

-my best friend told me that if I slept with a girl who thought I was a "real" man and after she found out I was trans I would have been a rapist for consensually going down on a girl who "thought I was a real man"

-I had a random girl in my class "ask if my ex bf knew I really had a dick" when I said I was trans

-my parents said "no matter what, you'll always be our little girl"

So, I went back into the closet for the most part. I went by She/They and was always like "im not a girl" but people pretty much brushed me off and I didn't pursue transition bc I was afraid of how people would treat me. I came out AGAIN at 21, this time really putting my foot down that I AM MALE.

-My aunt started to refer to my info dumping as "mansplaining" so I stopped sharing my interests with her

-People began to actively misgender me, whereas before some people would at least try to use they as well as she, I only get called she now and never they

-I started to get harassed in public for holding my partner's hand even tho we're both trans

-People really go out of their way to gender me now. "When I was a girl" nobody ever ma'amed me. NEVER, ever.

-People like to assume I'm mentally ill for being trans or that someone must have pushed me to be trans. Their pea brains implode when I say actually I really struggled to come out in the face of everyone telling me not to and I'm trans because I realized I'd die from trying to harm myself if I didn't accept who I already am

-I got sent a lot of death threats and rape threats. A lot. Mostly online, of course, but it really took me aback the negative reaction I had from the WLW spaces I was in when I said I was leaving because, well, I'm not a woman. Crypto terfs, man.

-My uncle said to me, and I quote "Keep this trans shit away from your grandmother, she has enough to deal with" I asked him what he expected me to do when I grew facial hair and muscles and lost my tits. He didn't answer, he probably didn't care.

-My aunt, who claimed to be the most accepting, still misgenders me and acts personally offended when I tell her she's not progressive for doing the bare minimum to show me respect, and not even consistently.

-My aunt ALSO told me I was the reason SHE wasnt getting HRT for her early menopause because "T is gonna make you angry and I don't want to be around that" (T made me calmer and less likely to EXPRESS my anger, actually. I have to find different ways to let it out now bc I kinda just CANT feel angry or sad the same way anymore)

-None of my family has called me to ask me how I'm doing since i came out. They all kinda avoid talking to me, but won't say it, I've noticed though.

-My partner's mom told me she wanted me to go to therapy. I said I'd go for my PTSD as it was causing problems between her and I, she said "No, I want you to go for 'this'" Meaning, she wanted me to go to therapy for being trans. My partner got upset at this and said that absolutely would not be happening because being trans isnt a mental illness

-cis people look at me in TERROR when they misgender me, like they're waiting for me to freak out at them or physically assault them. It actually really hurts my feelings tbh, out of everything those moments sting the most. People I don't even know very well assuming the worst of me for being trans.

Idk just the pure hatred people have towards transmascs and then for people withing our own communities to act like these things don't happen on the daily and don't drive us to have among the highest suicide rates out of any other demographic... It hurts. It really hurts, I want to cry over it and then still this little voice in my head, the voice THEY put there, says to me "Boys don't cry. if you show the slightest sign that these things hurt you, they won't take you seriously"

Thank you for sharing your experiences.

[littlemixnet]

To me, a good ally is someone who is consistent in their efforts – there’s a difference between popping on a pride playlist or sprinkling yourself in rainbow glitter once a year and actually defending LGBT+ people against discrimination. It means showing my LGBT+ fans that I support them wholeheartedly and am making a conscious effort to educate myself, raise awareness and show up whenever they need me to. It would be wrong of me to benefit from the community as a musician without actually standing up and doing what I can to support. As someone in the public eye, it’s important to make sure your efforts are not performative or opportunistic. I’m always working on my allyship and am very much aware that I’ve still got a lot of unlearning and learning to do. There are too many what I call ‘dormant allies’, believing in equality but not really doing more than liking or reposting your LGBT+ mate’s content now and again. Imagine if that friend then saw you at the next march, or signing your name on the next petition fighting for their rights? Being an ally is also about making a conscious effort to use the right language and pronouns, and I recently read a book by Glennon Doyle who spoke of her annoyance and disappointment of those who come out and are met with ‘We love you…no matter what’. I’d never thought of that expression like that before and it really struck a chord with me. ‘No matter what’ suggests you are flawed. Being LGBT+ is not a flaw. Altering your language and being conscious of creating a more comfortable environment for your LGBT+ family and friends is a good start. Nobody is expecting you to suddenly know it all, I don’t think there’s such a thing as a perfect ally. I’m still very much learning. Even recently, after our Confetti music video I was confronted with the fact that although we made sure our video was incredibly inclusive, we hadn’t brought in any actual drag kings. Some were frustrated, and they had every right to be. You can have the right intentions and still fall short. As an open ally I should have thought about that, and I hadn’t, and for that I apologise. Since then I’ve been doing more research on drag king culture, because it’s definitely something I didn’t know enough about, whether that was because it isn’t as mainstream yet mixed with my own ignorance. But the point is we mess up, we apologise, we learn from it and we move forward with that knowledge. Don’t let the fear of f**king up scare you off. And make sure you are speaking alongside the community, not for the community. Growing up in a small Northern working-class town, some views were, and probably still are, quite ‘old fashioned’ and small-minded. I witnessed homophobia at an early age. It was a common thought particularly among men that it was wrong to be anything but heterosexual. I knew very early on I didn’t agree with this, but wasn’t educated or aware enough on how to combat it. I did a lot of performing arts growing up and within that space I had many LGBT+ (mainly gay) friends. I’ve been a beard many a time let me tell you! But it was infuriating to see friends not feel like they could truly be themselves. When I moved to London I felt incredibly lonely and like I didn’t fit in. It was my gay friends (mainly my friend and hairstylist, Aaron Carlo) who took me under their wing and into their world. Walking into those gay bars or events like Sink The Pink, it was probably the first time I felt like I was in a space where everyone in that room was celebrated exactly as they are. It was like walking into a magical wonderland. I got it. I clicked with everyone. My whole life I struggled with identity – being mixed race for me meant not feeling white enough, or black enough, or Arab enough. I was a ‘tomboy’ and very nerdy. I suppose on a personal level that maybe played a part in why I felt such a connection or understanding of why those spaces for the LGBT+ community are so important. One of the most obvious examples of first realising Little Mix was having an effect in the community was that I couldn’t enter a gay bar without hearing a Little Mix song and watching numerous people break out into full choreo from our videos! I spent the first few years of our career seeing this unfold and knowing the LGBT+ fan base were there, but it wasn’t until I got my own Instagram or started properly going through Twitter DMs that I realised a lot of our LGBT+ fans were reaching out to us on a daily basis saying how much our music meant to them. I received a message from a boy in the Middle East who hadn’t come out because in his country homosexuality is illegal. His partner tragically took their own life and he said our music not only helped him get through it, but gave him the courage to start a new life somewhere else where he could be out and proud. There are countless other stories like theirs, which kind of kickstarted me into being a better ally. Another standout moment would be when we performed in Dubai in 2019. We were told numerous times to ‘abide by the rules’, which meant not promoting anything LGBT+ or too female-empowering (cut to us serving a four-part harmony to Salute). In my mind, we either didn’t go or we’d go and make a point. When Secret Love Song came on, we performed it with the LGBT+ flag taking up the whole screen behind us. The crowd went wild, I could see fans crying and singing along in the audience and when we returned it was everywhere in the press. I saw so many positive tweets and messages from the community. It made laying in our hotel rooms s**tting ourselves that we’d get arrested that night more than worth it. It was through our fans and through my friends I realised I need to be doing more in my allyship. One of the first steps in this was meeting with the team at Stonewall to help with my ally education and discussing how I could be using my platform to help them and in turn the community. Right now, and during lockdown, I’d say my ally journey has been a lot of reading on LGBT+ history, donating to the right charities and raising awareness on current issues such as the conversion therapy ban and the fight for equality of trans lives. Stonewall is facing media attacks for its trans-inclusive strategies and there is an alarming amount of seemingly increasing transphobia in the UK today and we need to be doing more to stand with the trans community. Still, there is definitely a pressure I feel as someone in the public eye to constantly be saying and doing the right things, especially with cancel culture becoming more popular. I s**t myself before most interviews now, on edge that the interviewer might be waiting for me to ‘slip up’ or I might say something that can be misconstrued. Sometimes what can be well understood talking to a journalist or a friend doesn’t always translate as well written down, which has definitely happened to me before. There’ve been moments where I’ve (though well intentioned) said the wrong thing and had an army of Twitter warriors come at me. Don’t get me wrong, there are obviously more serious levels of f**king up that are worthy of a cancelling. But it was quite daunting to me to think that all of my previous allyship could be forgotten for not getting something right once. When that’s happened to me before I’ve scared myself into thinking I should STFU and not say anything, but I have to remember that I am human, I’m going to f**k up now and again and as long as I’m continuing to educate myself to do better next time then that’s OK. I’m never going to stop being an ally so I need to accept that there’ll be trickier moments along the way. I think that might be how some people may feel, like they’re scared to speak up as an ally in case they say the wrong thing and face backlash. Just apologise to the people who need to be apologised to, and show that you’re doing what you can to do better and continue the good fight. Don’t burden the community with your guilt. When it comes to the music industry, I’m definitely seeing a lot more LGBT+ artists come through and thrive, which is amazing. Labels, managements, distributors and so forth need to make sure they’re not just benefiting from LGBT+ artists but show they’re doing more to actually stand with them and create environments where those artists and their fans feel safe. A lot of feedback I see from the community when coming to our shows is that they’re in a space where they feel completely free and accepted, which I love. I get offered so many opportunities to do with LGBT+ based shows or deals and while it’s obviously flattering, I turn most of them down and suggest they give the gig to someone more worthy of that role. But really, I shouldn’t have to say that in the first place. The fee for any job I do take that feels right for me but has come in as part of the community goes to LGBT+ charities. That’s not me blowing smoke up my own arse, I just think the more of us and big companies that do that, the better. We need more artists, more visibility, more LGBT+ mainstream shows, more shows on LGBT+ history and more artists standing up as allies. We have huge platforms and such an influence on our fans – show them you’re standing by them. I’ve seen insanely talented LGBT+ artist friends in the industry who are only recently getting the credit they deserve. It’s amazing but it’s telling that it takes so long. It’s almost expected that it will be a tougher ride. We also need more understanding and action on the intersectionality between being LGBT+ and BAME. Racism exists in and out of the community and it would be great to see more and more companies in the industry doing more to combat that. The more we see these shows like Drag Race on our screens, the more we can celebrate difference. Ever since I was a little girl, my family would go to Benidorm and we’d watch these glamorous, hilarious Queens onstage; I was hooked. I grew up listening to and loving the big divas – Diana Ross (my fave), Cher, Shirley Bassey, and all the queens would emulate them. I was amazed at their big wigs, glittery overdrawn make-up and fabulous outfits. They were like big dolls. Most importantly, they were unapologetically whoever the f**k they wanted to be. As a shy girl who didn’t really understand why the world was telling me all the things I should be, I almost envied the queens but more than anything I adored them. Drag truly is an art form, and how incredible that every queen is different; there are so many different styles of drag and to me they symbolise courage and freedom of expression. Everything you envisioned your imaginary best friend to be, but it’s always been you. There’s a reason why the younger generation are loving shows like Drag Race. These kids can watch this show and not only be thoroughly entertained, but be inspired by these incredible people who are unapologetically themselves, sharing their touching stories and who create their own support systems and drag families around them. Now and again I think of when I’d see those Queens in Benidorm, and at the end they’d always sing I Am What I Am as they removed their wigs and smudged their make up off, and all the dads would be up on their feet cheering for them, some emotional, like they were proud. But that love would stop when they’d go back home, back to their conditioned life where toxic heteronormative behaviour is the status quo. Maybe if those same men saw drag culture on their screens they’d be more open to it becoming a part of their everyday life. I’ll never forget marching with Stonewall at Manchester Pride. I joined them as part of their young campaigners programme, and beforehand we sat and talked about allyship and all the young people there asked me questions while sharing some of their stories. We then began the march and I can’t explain the feeling and emotion watching these young people with so much passion, chanting and being cheered by the people they passed. All of these kids had their own personal struggles and stories but in this environment, they felt safe and completely proud to just be them. I knew the history of Pride and why we were marching, but it was something else seeing what Pride really means first hand. My advice for those who want to use their voice but aren’t sure how is, just do it hun. It’s really not a difficult task to stand up for communities that need you. Change can happen quicker with allyship.

Jade Thirlwall on the power, and pressures, of being an LGBT ally: ‘I’m gonna f**k up now and again’

[spongebob-autisticquestions]

So I posted this story on Reddit of what happened this weekend, and decided to copy-paste it here. I'm still very annoyed

"Firstly, until this January, I lived with my parents, my older brother and younger sister.

My relationship with my brother has always been strained to some point. We have clashing personalities and thoughts. I'm autistic and he's frequently poked fun of autism, commonly using the r slur and whatnot. When I lived with my parents, we'd do stuff like watch Pokémon together at night or play video games because it was what we had in common. At this point I need to emphasise, he's 29 and I'm 27.

However, he never liked it when things wouldn't go his way. If I agreed to something, I'd have to do it otherwise he'd call me a liar or other insults. He's also had problematic opinions, for example he once asked me if my partner was trans (assuming male to female) in a very judgmental tone. For that reason I've never felt comfortable telling him personal stuff, which he fails to understand and thinks I'm just "keeping stuff from him". (I'm currently closeted trans from him and I worry how he's going to react when the day comes that he discovers the truth. I also should mention my partner is non-binary, so I will be using they/them pronouns for them.)

Anyway, last January I moved out into my own apartment with my partner (well, they'd stay with me sometimes, but also had a lodging arrangement elsewhere.) The first month, I admittedly didn't keep in touch with my brother due to a lot going on, such as the sudden serious surgery for my partner, and work and whatnot. By March, I was kinda scared to contact him due to fear he'd get angry for not talking (ironic, I know.)

Later in March, my brother got in touch and we agreed I'd come to my parents' home to visit for Easter. Unfortunately a few days before Easter, my partner's landlady tried to get in touch over rent payment when they were working. My partner is autistic and hates phone calls, and also can't phone at work, so they requested the landlady talk over text. She got overdramatic, demanding to call and then they gave an ultimatum for my partner to collect their stuff in 2 weeks or it will all be thrown out. (I should mention, the landlady was very abusive.)

Because of this, we had to figure out a way to move their stuff into my apartment. I called my parents and asked if they would be able to help us, and my mum suggested going the day before Easter, and I'd come home once their stuff was in my place.

My partner's autistic, and during the day we were getting all the stuff moved, the fact they were in the presence of their abuser and also trying to get stuff out as fast as possible resulted in them having a bad meltdown. My mum managed to get us all to agree we'd take half the stuff home today, and then do the rest of the job Easter Sunday. Now, because of the meltdown, I opted to stay at my place with my partner to make sure they would be okay. That was when my brother called angrily, accusing me of breaking my promise and trying to say my partner was manipulating me.

The next day, my mum came to help us get the rest of my partner's stuff. As we were packing, I got a very angry text from my brother, insulting me, saying I ruined Easter, insulting my partner, and telling me not to bother coming home. I told my mum that I would love to come home, but couldn't as I did not feel comfortable in the presence of my brother. It was at that point I decided to stop talking to him for a while until he calmed down.

Around late May, we were having washing issues as due to work, the only day we could go to the laundromat was on a Saturday, and they were only accepting appointments in advance due to Covid. My partner tried to call but the laundromat said they were fully booked. I asked my mum, who was visiting, if she'd be okay with washing our clothes at her house and my mum happily accepted. We weren't trying to take advantage, we were happily going to repay them for their kindness. My dad also told me my brother was complaining that I never called him, so I agreed to give my brother a call.

However, that night I received yet another horrible text from my brother. He was angry as he couldn't wash his clothes as my mother was washing ours, and apparently he needed to get his washed for work the next day. He sent a horrible text calling me a failure, and giving multiple insults to my partner. After that, I decided I wasn't going to call or speak to him.

That takes us to this week. My brother got back in touch earlier this week, and we agreed I'd visit this weekend, apparently I'd agreed I'd stay the night to watch Pokémon with him. That weekend I'd also be getting my haircut at my parents' home by a family friend (we were all getting our haircuts, the friend was getting paid), so it made sense to spend the night that weekend. However, as the time got closer, I started having second thoughts. I realised I still wasn't comfortable spending the night when he'd be there, especially since I didn't want to go back in the closet about being trans, and with all the insults he gave to me and my partner. I also remembered I also had important stuff to do the following day regarding work. Additionally, it bothered me that he did not understand the fact I had my own place with my own issues, and I couldn't just sped the night because he wanted me to. When he found out, he called me angry, and tried pressing me to confirm if I would stay the night or not. I knew what his tactic was, so I tried not to confirm anything, and he just hung up on me before I could explain further....

That leads to today, when I went back home to visit. He asked me if I was staying the night, and when I said I couldn't, he started a very angry and somewhat abusive speech. He called me a snake, a liar, a monster, and that "I've changed". He went on about how I never talked to him, and I responded with how it's because of how nasty he's been with his texts. He acted all offended about how I wouldn't spend time with him at night, and how most people he knew who moved out usually visited for weekends regularly, I retaliated that many people who still live close, like I do, usually visit for the day. (I refrained from telling him he's the reason I don't visit, because I don't like his abuse. I will admit I really need to speak to my sister more, as she's done nothing wrong, but that's more because when it comes to her, I just don't know what to talk or ask about.)

He also brought up my partner, and how I shouldn't "get our family involved in their stuff because they are not family" (his words, not mine.) I got angry about this and cited how I couldn't just let them struggle with moving out of the other place, and my parents were happy to help. He was angry because it "ruined his and my sister's day". Mind you, my sister said nothing and he has a habit of exaggerating. He cited that if he had a partner, he would go to the family for help with her issues, and how partners should seek help from their family and their friends. He also threatened that if he found my partner's laundry in the house again, he would cut it up with scissors personally.

All this just pisses me off. It makes me feel like I'm the asshole, although he doesn't realise his entitlement and judgmental behaviour is what causes me to not want to be around him."

[itstheoneshot]

Scenario: Coming out as trans to your EXO member boyfriend.

Request.

Part 2.

Part 1 here!

Chen:

Jongdae had taken the news well, telling you he still loves you, and that if you were supposed to be a man, that you are one.

He struggles though, to remember correct pronouns, after dating for so long, he frequently messes up.

“My sweet girl, I love you.” He whispers to you between kisses.

You raise a brow at him and wait, knowing that it will only be a moment until he realises he has fucked up again.

“Oh shit, baby boy I am so sorry, oh my god I am so fucking stupid I am never going to get this right, I am sorry, I am...” He rambles, flustered and frustrated at himself.

“Dae, it’s alright.” You giggle, appreciating the apology, “You’ll get there, I know you don’t mean any harm.”

“I really don’t! I’m sorry, I love you so much.” He apologises again.

Chanyeol:

Chanyeol did not get angry often, but since you had come out to him as nonbinary, you had seen a whole new side of him.

No, not angry at you, but at other people.

Chanyeol is your biggest supporter, biggest ally, and so proud of you, reminding you every day that he loves you, and is happy that you are comfortable in who you are. He is not afraid to be loud and frustrated whenever someone used your deadname, or referred to you by she/her pronouns.

You are out clothes shopping, and you are in the change rooms trying on a few new things, when you overhear the shop worker ask Chanyeol a question.

“How is she going in there? Sizes alright?”

You have to stifle a laugh, as his deep, bassy voice booms throughout the store.

“They! My baby’s pronouns are they!”

D.O.:

“Hey, Princess, what’s wrong?”

You flinch at the term, knowing what you are about to say. You have tried to plan this out for a while, keeping your true self a secret has been so fucking hard.

“Soo, I’m... I’m trans. I’m a man.” You mutter, your voice barely above a whisper.

You see Kyungsoo’s face drop, and you instantly start to cry, assuming the worst, waiting for him to ask you to leave, or leaving himself. He was always quiet when his emotions controlled him, and even after being together for years, sometimes you did not know what to say or do.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know. You’ve been keeping this inside for a while, haven’t you?” Kyungsoo asks, reaching out to take your hands.

“Mhmm... sorry.” You mumble, burying your face in his chest, overwhelmed with emotions.

“No, my sweet Prince, don’t apologise to me. There’s no need to be sorry, now let’s go sit and you can tell me all about your plans!” Kyungsoo starts, turning to lead you to the living room, “Do you have a new name?”

Tao:

“Taozi, would you still love me if I was trans?” You ask, your voice shaking with anxiety.

Zitao smirks at this, before asking “Is this you coming out to me?”

You can only nod in response, suddenly nervous about his reaction, though he attempts to soothe your fears.

“Does that mean I’m not gonna be the most handsome one anymore?” He asks, pouting his lips and trying not to smile.

You burst into laughter, relief washing over you as he takes the news so well. He stares at you with sparkling eyes, nothing but love oozes from him as he admires you.

“I’m kidding, baobei, I am happy for you. Fuck a gender anyway, right? Do you want to go shopping for new clothes?”

Kai:

“Nini, I have to tell you something.” You advise him, as you lay together on the sofa.

You have your head in his lap, and he runs his fingers through your now-short hair. You had it all cut off today, in preparation for your coming-out, and Jongin was obsessed with it, telling you over and over again how great you looked, giving you the confidence boost that you had needed to speak.

“You can tell me anything, you know that.” He replies, smiling down at you.

“I understand if this is too much for you, but I am trans, I’m nonbinary.” You admit, feeling a weight lifted off your shoulders.

“Oh! Really? That explains the haircut, then!” He laughs, “Come!”

Jongin stands up, pulling you up with him and leads you down the hallway to the huge room that is his wardrobe, he turns to you with a smile and gestures around him.

“I’m not sure if any of my clothes will fit you, but do you want to try some things on? We can find a style that suits you and then I’ll buy you whatever you need in your size!” He says excitedly, kissing you on the forehead before pulling a t-shirt down from the rack.

Sehun:

Sehun had been excited when you had told him you were trans, maybe too excited, but it was so endearing to see how supportive he would be.

“Does this make me gay? Like, that’s fine, of course, but does it?” He asks you.

“If you want to be gay, then yes, sure, Sehunnie.” You reply in a fit of laughter.

Sehun kisses you, holding you tight as you fight down the tears welling in your eyes. Coming out has been almost as hard as accepting yourself in the first place, so having your partner take it so well, has made you extremely emotional.

“Do you need to make doctors appointments for this? When are they?” Sehun asks you.

“I have an appointment this week, actually.” You admit, shuddering as you are nervous to meet a gender specialist.

“I’ll take the day off work, Jagi. Do you think you’ll get any surgeries? I’ll take the time off for them, too, whenever they are. You’ll need someone to take care of you, right?” He asks.

[imaginedigimon]

u got any lgbtq+ hcs for any of the main 12 adventure and 02 kids?

🤔 Hmm...

Now Anon, I’m warning you: I’m probably not going to give you what you want for this. But I’m going to try.

I REALLY HOPE I DON’T FUCK THIS UP, FRIENDS *stressing out a bit I will not lie*

LGBTQ+ Headcanons for 01 + 02 Gang

Tai [Taichi]

Doesn’t know the meaning of the word “straight” except in terms of line segments in math (but even then, he’s a little lost)

He probably saw the pride flag for the first time when he was 14 and because it reminded him of the Crests thought, “I CAN GET BEHIND THAT”

When he learned the real meaning of pride and the LGBTQ+ community, he was even more ecstatic

Has definitely beaten up some homophobes before

And transphobes

He’s beaten up a lot of people in general

Realized after a while that he’s pansexual himself and started painting his face with the pan flag everyday

Will not deny that he has a thing for Matt and Sora at the same time and is happy if they’re happy but would really like to kiss them both pls

Matt [Yamato]

He most certainly questioned his own gender for a while, though he can’t pinpoint when it started

Gabumon told him it didn’t matter what he identified as, they’d always be partners anyway, so that really helped him a lot

It also helped that Tai was willing to beat people’s asses for him

Has also beaten up some homophobes and transphobes (Tai has been the one to drag him away from some fights)

Wears pins of all the pride flags at all times because fuck you haters

Also would like to kiss Tai, just like once or twice or a million times

Identifies as bisexual most likely

Sora

Doesn’t mention it a lot, but Mimi was probably her first kiss (by accident...OR WAS IT?)

She was the type of person who, because she grew up in a very hetero-normative world, wasn’t sure what it meant to like a girl

Probably asked Tai when she was 15 and still thinking about Mimi’s hair and lips when he explained to her that it was perfectly normal

She never forgot that conversation

Has continuously questioned her identity and orientation throughout the years, though only Biyomon has been privy to this struggle

Finally settled on saying she’s queer because she’s not much for labels (especially when she’s in a constant state of questioning)

Definitely asked Mimi to kiss her again just so it wouldn’t be an accident

Izzy [Koshiro]

Always a kid before his time, knew how to explain all aspects of pride to everyone else before they even knew what the LGBTQ+ community was

Has PowerPoints to make things clearer

Around age 17 or 18, he started asking that everyone use he/him or they/them pronouns, and this hasn’t changed since

Everyone said “a’ight” because they love him no matter what

Has always had some kind of romantic feelings for just about everyone in the group, but nothing beyond that

This poor sweetie pie cried the night he realized he was asexual and called Joe, who said in the most intense voice he’d ever heard, “You think that matters to us? We love you, Izzy, and don’t you ever forget that”

Has decided Joe is the coolest guy ever

Started some social media account where it’s nothing but pictures of Tai with various pride symbols painted on his face and it’s blown up

Mimi

Unlike Sora, she didn’t think much about the kiss

She had already accepted that she liked girls by that point

Definitely had a crush on Yolei too, though she played it cool

YOU CANNOT TELL ME SHE DIDN’T CONSIDER MEIKO HER TRUE LOVE

Teases Izzy a lot because she has a bit of a crush on him too, though this confused her because she thought she liked girls

The day she learned the term homoflexible she thought she was dreaming

But she wasn’t

Still, Sora and Yolei and Meiko are her girls and she loves them very dearly

Has the same enthusiasm as Tai and paints the various flags on her face as well (became part of that social media account Izzy started)

You can catch her and Tai at a pride parade screaming at the top of their lungs

Joe [Jou/Jyou]

I’ll admit, he’s probably the token straight? But he’s also one of those guys who’s not afraid to tell Matt he looks handsome today

Has needed to ask Izzy a lot of questions because he’s like me and wants to know and not offend anyone because he’s ignorant or doesn’t know something

Had a moment similar to me where he wondered if he really was straight

Decided he still was, but would support anyone and everyone because that’s just the guy he is

You know how he becomes a doctor? He most CERTAINLY helps with transitioning whenever he can because he’s a GOOD. DOCTOR.

Doesn’t beat up haters, but gives them a death glare that’s just as effective

Wore around a rainbow doctor’s coat because he COULD and no one tried to stop him because they knew he’d quit on the spot

Takeru [T.K.]

Been the guy to say “respect LGBTQ+ rights or die by my sword” or something like that

Lowkey had a crush on Angemon and Angewomon simulanteously and could NOT for the life of him explain why that was

Never told either of them this though

Or Kari

Definitely didn’t tell Kari

Okay yes, Tai is his big brother, but he definitely had a crush on the guy for about 2 weeks before he met Kari and everything changed

Hasn’t told either of them this

Like Sora, has only said he identifies as queer - he’d like to figure it out/delve deeper but is too busy flirting with everyone to care

Brings 5 different dates to his brother’s concerts at the same time and they all have to vie for his attention - it’s usually whoever says the most positive things about his brother

Has done at least 6 drag shows so far and let me tell you - KILLS IT every time

Kari is his forever girl but keeps winking at Ken just to make him blush

Kari [Hikari]

Also had a crush on Angewomon like how could she NOT

Also had crushes on Matt, Izzy, Mimi, and Sora (but not Joe for some reason)

When she realized her feelings for T.K. she got really really nervous (because of all his dates, you see)

Was also confused because she was pretty confused about her range of crushes over the years

Tai came out as pan to her first and she realized that sounded a lot like her

She’s a pan baby and she’s proud of it (and thanks her brother for supporting her)

Gave a rainbow pin to T.K. for his birthday and in return he kissed her

They go to ALL the pride events and nothing can stop them

Occasionally uses they/them pronouns on days she’s questioning

Davis [Daisuke]

Tai was his first love and you cannot change my mind about this

Meeting Kari was like meeting a Tai Who Would Notice Him and that was pretty rad

But he also likes her because of her, too

The world kinda stopped when he met Ken, though

Like damn, look at those soccer skills

I’m gonna be real, I think Davis is soccersexual (or footballsexual for non-Muricans)

Them soccer players be really hot though

Always has questions about the community, but never retains the answers

The PowerPoints, unfortunately, do not help

Eventually gave up and said, “I’M A DUMBASS BUT I SUPPORT YOU ALL”

They tried to tell him he should at least know what he’s talking about

(We’re still working on that)

Wears rainbow shirts with rainbow pants and it’s very atrocious but very appreciated

He is gay. He sometimes does crimes. We accept him anyway.

[T.K. asked him if he wanted to go to a drag show, he said “okay?” and really really loved it now he goes all the time]

Yolei [Miyako]

Mimi is hot, Ken is hot, Kari is hot, Matt’s kinda hot, everyone’s hot

She’s never been able to fully accept this because how is everyone so hot

Mimi was her first love, and Ken was her first boyfriend

She never forgot the firsts

Attracted to any and everyone it seems

She likes to call herself a frying pan and it makes everyone facepalm a little bit

Constantly dresses in the colors on the pan flag because she looks GOOD in them and it’s a way to remind everyone not to mess with her or her community

Tries to pretend she doesn’t know Mimi and Tai when she’s at a pride event and they’re out here acting like fools

But she also loves how unerringly supportive they are

Cody [Iori]

He was the first one everyone came out to, like for some reason he’s that guy

Literally the first person to offer you support

One day he told everyone he was transgender, and while they were surprised, they also didn’t react the way he was expecting

They actually hugged him immediately and said, “But don’t worry we love love love you” and Tai started painting the trans flag on Cody’s face until Cody said, “Guys please fuck off for a sec”

When he becomes a lawyer, he becomes the type of lawyer to defend anyone who was arrested on basis of race/identity/orientation/gender like the boss he is

Suspects he might be ace but hasn’t really delved into it much

He’s too busy scolding Davis for doing dumb things

Ken

Can everyone stop being hot for a sec? -direct quote from Ken himself

He’s in love with all the 02 kids and he’s accepted this

Yolei somehow stole his heart, but T.K.’s winks send it aflutter

He wants them both to stop (but they won’t)

Was completely unaware that Davis also liked him (even though it was really obvious?)

He identifies as bi and, like Izzy, uses they/them pronouns interchangeably with he/him

One of the good detectives on the force. Will bust your ass if you say any offensive slurs about anyone. [Has gotten suspended a few times for doing this BUT IT WAS FUCKING WORTH IT.]

Always the one on duty when Davis gets arrested for his crimes and it’s hecka exhausting

---------

Uhm... did I do good? I’ll admit, I was a little nervous since I myself am straight and cisgender (or cishet, as I’ve learned is the term)  😥  😥

Anon, I really do hope I did a good job!

And if I didn’t you can roast me in the flames of Meramon Hell

[oreoambitions]

If this is too personal please feel free to just ignore this ask but I was wondering if you would ever consider talking more about being non-binary/ discovering that you were non-binary? I am only just at the point of beginning to accept myself as a baby enby so I love hearing other people’s experiences but I completely understand if that’s not something you’re comfortable talking about. Hope you have a great day either way and good luck with the firefighter :)

Hey friend, I’m more than happy to talk about it! Let me start by saying welcome to the enby club, and I’m so proud of you for exploring this part of yourself! I know it can be A Lot, and sometimes pretty scary, so I applaud you for the self examination and the bravery it takes to get to this point. It took me a long time to get to where you are. I was 26 when I got drunk (for the first time bc I’m a late bloomer whee) and told a group of friends that I thought I might be nonbinary. I was openly pretty hostile towards enby folks up until that point, and I hadn’t realized that this was the gender equivalent of really entrenching yourself in homophobia because you really wish you weren’t gay. It was another six months after that before I confided in a partner about it (sober). She asked if there was another name I wanted her to use, and then proceeded to never use it. Another six months and a breakup later I took some time to consider how that’d made me feel, and I came to the conclusion that it was at the very least time to change my name. I am still figuring out the rest. In retrospect there were a few signs. As a teenager my church held a coming of age ceremony split by gender and I didn’t know where to go. A church member asked me if I was trans - meaning, was I a boy - and I said no. I’ve always been pretty clear on that. They sent me to the women’s tent, but that didn’t fit right either. I was pretty clear about that too, but since I wasn’t a trans man I thought there was just something wrong with me that I was uncomfortable with womanhood.

For a while I thought maybe it was a body image problem. If I were prettier, I would feel more like a woman. If my teeth were straighter. If I lost weight. I put myself in the hospital running track and not eating because I was desperately trying to feel ‘right’ in my body. Spoiler: that did not work. It only made things more difficult.

Then I thought maybe I was just aggressively homosexual, that the part of being “female” that I was rejecting had to do with heteronormativity. But there were things touted as universal female experiences among the queer community that fit awkwardly too, and the word ‘lesbian’ chafed. I didn’t want it applied to me even though it described me. I couldn’t explain why not. A good friend of mine came out as nonbinary a few years back. They described it as knowing that they could play the roles of male or female poorly, or they could step into a role that was right for them and live to the best of their ability. That absolutely resonated with me (and scared the heck out of me at the time) and it’s something that I still hold up when I’m struggling with my identity. Does this identity fit me awkwardly? Then it might not be right for me, and that’s okay.

The question people ask me a lot is whether I’m “really” nonbinary, or whether I just don’t want to be perceived as a woman because society treats women so badly. Whether I’ve just internalized a negative image of womanhood, and whether in a more just society I wouldn’t feel that way. And to that I say... sure, I guess maybe that could be a thing. But we don’t live in a hypothetical just society; we live in this one, and in this reality that label doesn’t suit me.

I’m still really struggling to figure out pronouns - they/them isn’t wrong but seems like a political choice, but she/her isn’t right, and he/him is right but also implies a trans binary identity which isn’t right - and I’m constantly afraid that this is Another Reason it will be difficult or impossible to find a compatible life partner. I worry that presenting too masculine or too feminine will invalidate my identity. I worry that people read me as just wanting attention and won’t take me seriously. It’s some scary stuff. It would have been easier to stay in the closet and pass as cis. But then we wouldn’t be ourselves, and that’s more difficult in some ways.

Anyway, I’m not sure if that’s what you were looking for. If you have specific questions I’m more than happy to answer them! And you can always shoot me a message if you just want to chat/vent about enby things. Always here to support baby enbies, in or out of the closet. Sending you much affection and solidarity, and I hope you are keeping safe and sane out there!

[samsoleil]

3 17 23 for the spn asks. Please tag me @boykingsofhell so I see your answers <3

ask game

Thank you sm @boykingsofhell !! Putting question 3 at the end so that I can put my essay under the cut.

17. What’s an aspect of SPN people often point to as a flaw that you really enjoy?

the finale was good actually

Okay so. a lot of the flaws that people see in spn have been resolved in various posts about hbo spn but. something specific that people tend to want to resolve in hbo spn that I actually enjoy as-is is how the relationship between characters and religion. There is something to be said about religious trauma but there is also something very powerful about creating the space to analyse it without braining the audience with it. Cas off-handedly saying "Sam is, of course, an abomination" has stuck with me since age 13 (7 years!! heck!!) because it's casually said once and then almost never again, and we the audience are able to extrapolate the effects of that ourselves. Yes, it could be explored more, but I fear what it could have been in the wrong hands.

On a similar track, Supernatural suggests parallels between Sam and Dean and faith in an absent father, one for Dean and one for Sam, where

Dean has blind faith in John while Sam demands autonomy

Sam has desperate faith in God while Dean rejects the concept

but it doesn't demand that you Look at it. Sam doesn't need to carry a rosary to communicate his faith. He doesn't need to beg on his knees in the mud to demonstrate that he wants to be saved. Faith and doubt are integral parts of their character. The change in their faith and their doubt is interwoven in their character development.

23. If you could forget all of spn, would you watch it again? Why/why not?

Yes. Partly because I only have one brain cell and I share it with a friend of mine, partly because, despite everything, Supernatural has brought me a lot of joy at points in my life where I have had very little of it.

3. TFW: Sam, Dean, or Cas stan? I wanna hear your dissertation :)

I am a bitter Sam fan since (at latest) June 2015 (at earliest, mid 2014) and I will not apologise. I actually had to take a break after season 10 because seasons 6 to 10 made me so mad!! I couldn't do it anymore! 

Quick explanation for this is because I relate to Sam a lot and am also an eldest sibling, which means I can both project onto Sam and feel ridiculously affectionate towards him. 13yo me saw this 22yo and thought, is anyone gonna love this? and didn’t wait for an answer.

Long explanation below the cut.

Sam is my fave for a great deal many reasons but I'll try to summarise it in three points:

Excellent narrative

Relatable character

Wonderful to watch

1. Narrative

Sam has the most compelling storyline and character arcs of anyone in Supernatural. His storylines are compelling, multifaceted, and incredibly interesting to analyse.  Finding evidence for this can be easily done through the following steps:

watch the show

Sam is a story of someone who has responded to intense trauma due to circumstances beyond his control by choosing to be kind and compassionate. This is someone who has been told by everyone he knows that he is a monster not worth saving, and took that and turned it into a determination to make sure that nobody would ever feel that way again. In the earlier seasons, Sam defines himself by his anger while others define him by preconceived notions about his character. And he spends his entire life proving everyone, including himself, wrong. That he can be defined by his actions, rather than what he is or what people think of him. This is not only the best but also the only consistent narrative theme, which is very powerful of him.

He is a story of someone struggling to maintain his autonomy in a world that is determined to take it from him, and with that autonomy he decides to better the world around him. Interwoven in his character is the belief that your actions define who you are. And it isn't something that is easy for him to believe! It's a choice that he makes, sometimes rather desperately, that defines him just as much as any other choice. Which is why it's also SO interesting that Sam's autonomy is so frequently violated - because he believes that his actions define who he is, but so often his choices aren’t respected and he isn't the one in control of his actions.

2. Projection

All the above things are excellent reasons for why Sam is a good comfort character. Not actually because he's having a terrible time. But conceptually, he is strongly tied to the ideas that

people might say you are inherently bad, but they are incorrect

sometimes terrible stuff happens to you and that's not your fault

(this one only works if you love sam like I do) you can struggle with mental illness and still be loved

which are very comforting ideas. I feel comforted.

Furthermore, Sam is specifically a very comforting character for people who are queer, have siblings, and/or are religious. As a queer person, I'd like to point out that Sam is an excellent queer allegory.  Being told you're inherently wrong because of who you are and internalising it because the people you care about have said it? Being ostracised by your family because your fundamental character is different to what they planned for you? Feeling like you can't be honest with the people around you because if they knew who you really were, they would think differently of you? Also, he's gender. And apparently his gender on his licence was F on the official website so he has canonical evidence for being trans. He/they Sam. Gender neutral language for his past partners. Sam’s queer is what I’m getting at

And, importantly for me (and Dean), Sam is the person everyone with eldest daughter syndrome wishes they could be. He was distanced enough from his parental figure that he could cut through the veil of psychological manipulation to see the rotten core of abuse underneath. And he knows it! Early season Sam stands up for himself against his dad (and Dean) time and time again. Mid season Sam stands up for himself against the actual devil. Late season Sam stands up for himself against God himself. I want that for myself. I want to believe in my right to autonomy that strongly.

3. I am Looking

Listen. We all know that Sam and his character development was tossed to the wayside a bit (a lot) after... S7, I would say. But Jared Padalecki has fed us well. Even when Sam has no lines, he still has personality and character and thoughts and feelings and they're right there! on his face! in his whole body! He shows what he's feeling with everything he has, written on every inch of his skin, he responds so vibrantly to everything and it just feels so so real. Sam responds so emotionally and physically to the things that happen around him and it is just. so wonderful to watch. I am just full of affection for this character!!

Also. good to look at. I'm ace and Sam is the closest I have ever come to understanding the allo experience. Thanks for listening.