#since it's consuming every waking thought of mine right now

[nicascurls]

"This calls for a delicate blend of psychology and extreme violence."

- Nica Pierce (probably)

@losersclubisms @streets-in-paradise

[strawberryblue-blog]

She's mine too —Mason Mount.

summary: annoying days of pregnancy with mason

warning: none. pregnancy, vomiting, discomfort.

words count: +1.5k

#SEXYNOTE: Merry belated Christmas and early happy new year y'all 💌 thanks for the support, i hope you are well. love youuuu 🩵

You hugged the toilet after spitting up all the dinner of the night between sobs, you sighed taking a big breath of air, feeling your stomach churning again. It was the fifth time you had gotten up to vomit in the night and you were really exhausted. For at least a week you had been feeling this way but in the last two days, it had gotten worse and you couldn't even feed yourself properly as you ended up vomiting.

Did your son or daughter hate you? It was practically thanks to you that he or she was coming into this world, and this is how he or she thanked you? By making you spit out everything you ate? By making you feel so fragile and silly at the same time? You wanted to stay cheerful, positive and full of energy but your baby was slowly consuming you. This was nothing like what you used to hear about pregnancies.

You had never been through anything before and it really scared you. The doctor had said it was normal as long as you had constant checkups and you just had to put up with it, even though it was very hard for you and especially for Mason. Sometimes he felt that what he was doing for you wasn't enough and he hated to see you suffer but it wasn't his fault and it would pass. You sighed whimpering a little, anyone would say you were exaggerating a little (and maybe you were) but you were really suffering. Since four months ago your body had changed, your fears had become constant, dizziness, mood swings, tiredness, breast pain, you had even become irritable. Sometimes you felt guilty but it was inevitable, the baby was running your life (Not really).

But you had no regrets.

Being a mother had been one of your dreams growing up, you used to say you wanted to be like your mother and you really hoped you would be for this child. You were discovering this whole new world and you have to admit you thought it would be something else, at least you had a great man by your side. Mason used to make your endless days, the best experience of your life. He would massage your feet, fulfill your every whim, pamper you and take care of you like you were a princess.

You couldn't complain, you were perfect together and starting a family with him was another one of your biggest dreams. Because you loved everything about him, about the relationship, the respect and love you had. Because you admired how strong and respectable he was and how he behaved with you, your family and friends. Because you were in love with him and that your son had him for a father, it was the biggest pride you could feel.

A hand on your back caressed you, pulling your hair back into a makeshift bun. Mason held your hair and calmed your nerves as he appeared behind you. You hated waking him up in the middle of the night with your retching, especially since you knew he'd have to get up early in the morning but Mason was always with you.

"Don't tease me like that" you laughed exhaustedly after a while. "That's the reason i'm here, puking up everything i ingest."

Mason hid a chuckle behind his smile, trying not to laugh at your funny comment because of the situation you were going through. But it was inevitable, even in misery you were saying funny things to him.

"You suggested doing it, honey. If you had stuck it out, we wouldn't be here," he replied, earning a pout from you.

And it was true. Maybe if they hadn't had too many drinks that night and you hadn't been so horny, nothing would have changed and you wouldn't have found yourself right now. But you wanted this as much as he did, because you were talking about this and about the future, and this was the future, you becoming parents.

After a while without nausea, Mason took you in his arms, slowly carrying you toward the bed. He handed you a glass of water and when you drank some, he helped you lie down on the soft sheets, arranging the pillows on your back to make you comfortable.

"I must look terrible" you whispered a little shaken. Your cheeks were red, your forehead sweaty and you sure looked gross right now. Mason quickly denied.

"You are the most beautiful woman in the world" he murmured with his eyes sparkling. "You'll bring our child, you could never look terrible" his fingers caressed your face. A smile appeared on your lips as he kissed your forehead softly.

He took his place beside you, resting his head on your belly as he wrapped his arms around you. One of his hands caressed the protruding bump, which was growing bigger and bigger every day. You didn't know the sex of the baby yet but everything was within the norm for a pregnancy, something you were grateful for, and they were supposed to have news about the baby by the next visit.

"Baby, leave mommy alone for a while, okay? She's mine too" he whispered towards her son or daughter, drawing a smile from you. Your fingers tangled in her hair, stroking her chestnut locks. Your chest overflowed with feelings seeing him there and your heart filled with happiness at the image.

Mason on top of his baby, caressing your skin with his warm fingers, his eyes shining in his wonderful gaze. The reason for your happiness in front of you, your whole world. Your eyes filled with tears and you try not to cry but you were sensitive, everything hit you double, more when it was about your son and your boyfriend.

You were both terrified, you weren't going to lie, but since the test had come back positive and after a few months of waiting, you were ready for what was to come. You had learned to love each other, you had each other, you trusted each other and you were walking on the same side. Everything had been easier, since you knew Mason, you were always supporting and loving each other.

"The boys want it to be a boy to teach him to play football but honestly i want it to be a girl" Mason whispered turning back to your chest, still her hand held on the baby, caressing it.

"Is that what you want?" you asked with a giggle. Mason nodded. "Even Summer would take care of her and teach her" you mentioned and your heart fluttered with love as you imagined your boyfriend's niece with your daughter or son.

Mason smiled hugely.

"I want a boy too, of course. But we'll have time to bring him along after the baby girl" he joked with a grimace. You laughed out loud.

You were excited for the arrival of their son or daughter, they were counting the days since they had found out and memories were piling up in their memories of this special time. The wait was going to be hard but it would definitely be worth it when you had him or her with you.

[dear-sigyn]

THUNDER

𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕: 1.4k 𝒂/𝒏: starting to write this during my exam period wasn't my brightest idea, nor was finishing it at 2am, but hey, better inspiration always comes late at night ;) 𝒘𝒂𝒓𝒏𝒊𝒏𝒈𝒔: none (that I think of)

You knew it was getting late, very late, and a quick glance at your watch confirmed that it was indeed already past 4am. The storm that showed up earlier in the evening was still raging outside, and each thunderclap resonated like a drum in your heart, preventing you from falling asleep.

At first, you told yourself that it was just the excessively loud noise keeping you awake, but the way your breath caught every time lightning tore through the sky told a different story: you were scared. Worse yet, you were terrified, and there was no use pretending otherwise - you wouldn’t find sleep tonight.

With a long sigh, you dragged yourself out of bed, moving around your room in search of the notebook where all your notes from yesterday are written. ‘If I have to pull an all-nighter, it might as well be a productive one,’ you thought.

However, as you turned your room upside down for your precious writings, you quickly realized they were nowhere to be found. Anxiety slowly began to grow in your chest, and suddenly, felt the weight of your worries about the upcoming heist bearing down on your shoulders.

In reality, it’s been a few days since you’ve started to dwell on everything that could go wrong. Even though the Professor's plan seems perfectly laid out, there are always external factors that we can't predict, right? But now is not the right time to worry about that.

Taking a deep breath and refocusing your thoughts, it only took 2 seconds to remember where they were, or rather, who had them.

And it was quite simple, really. After another ‘lesson’ with the Professor, Berlin asked you - not without adding a few inappropriate remarks throughout the conversation - if you could lend him your notes.

Despite his peculiar character, you got along quite well at your first encounter, and you quickly grew closer over the weeks spent together - perhaps a bit more than you should have knowing the rules - so you didn’t think too much before handing him your notebook. You had planned to pick it up later in the evening, but with the storm intensifying, you promptly retreated to your room without a word, hiding your head beneath your pillow to drown out the unsettling rumblings. It would certainly be very rude to disturb him in the middle of the night just to come pick them up, but that was the least of your concern at the moment, and the lack of sleep wasn’t making you think rationally anyway.   

So without thinking too much about the consequences that your next decision might entail if you were ever caught, you decided to leave your room, quietly closing the door behind you, and tiptoed across the hallway. 

As you arrived at his door, doubts began to form in your mind, but before they could consume you entirely you softly knocked on his door, being careful to make as little noise as possible to avoid waking others, while already anticipating his remarks about why you had come to see him this late at night.

And sure enough, when he finally opened the door the first thing you saw was a mischievous - and  tired - smile forming on his lip as his eyes met yours, “Well, who do we have here? To what do I owe the pleasure of your visit at such a late hour, cariño?”

You took a breath to pull yourself together and smiled weakly back at him “Well, you see I’m sorry to bother you at this hour but it occurred to me that you have something of mine in your possession”. He raised an eyebrow, amused, “Is that so? And what could be so important that you must come knocking at my door at …” he glanced at his watch, “... almost 5 in the morning?”

His subtle sarcastic tone didn’t escape you; he knew exactly what you were talking about. Usually, you weren’t opposed to playing along with his little games, but the thunder that continued to rumble outside and the looming threat of another lightning strike approaching made your patience wear thin, “My notebook Berlin, I need my notebook now”, at that you saw his eyebrows furrowed, maybe your tone was a little too harsh, “... please.”

“Oh, you wound me, nena. Why the rush?” he said, feigning offense. But realizing that you were definitely not in the mood, he sighed and continued in a dramatic tone. “For your information, cariño, I had planned to return it to you last night. But that was before you dashed to your room like a flash, without even saying goodnight.”, he said, raising his hand to his heart. “Are you aware of the pain it caused me?”

At that, you scoffed, “Don’t you think you’re exaggerating? Don’t tell me you’re sulking because I didn’t say goodnight; that doesn’t sound like something you would do.” He shrugged and replied, “Maybe I am.”

You were about to retort when suddenly a particularly loud thunder was heard, making you jump and utter a cry. Feeling panic starting to overtake you, you were about to glance down the hallway to check if your reaction had woken anyone up, but you didn’t get the time. With a firm grip on your shoulders, he ushered you into his room, closing the door behind you. 

You're unsure of what caused you to break down first—the sound of thunder that led to a completely ridiculous reaction in front of Berlin, his reluctance to return your notebook, the sleep deprivation, or the near-miss of being caught standing in the hallway in the middle of the night just to retrieve some notes. But you felt the first tear roll down your cheek, followed by a second, then a third, until cascades were flowing from your eyes.

When he realized the distress you were in, he tightened his arm around your shoulders, the other coming around your waist, enveloping you in a tight embrace. It was just what you needed to fully let go and release all your pent-up emotions.

While your cries increased, he gently hushed you, running his fingers through your hair. And after taking a few minutes to calm down, you finally spoke again, your voice muffled against his chest. “ … I don’t like storms,” you murmured, to which he responded with a low chuckle, “You don’t say, cariño.”

He loosened his grip to observe your face, but still feeling a bit embarrassed by the whole situation, you kept your head tucked against him. “Hey …” his hand delicately rested on your cheek, guiding your gaze toward his. “That’s it, look at me.”

“It’s not only the storm, is it?,” his fingers tenderly brushed away the remnants of your tears in a soothing gesture. You nodded slowly and tried once again to speak, but your throat tightened, preventing you from doing so, no sound coming out.

“Oh no, you don't have to tell me right now, but please don't shut yourself off from me or even the others like that anymore, hm ?”, he brushed aside a strand of hair that had fallen over your eyes, “It’s not good for you.” You nodded once again, leaning your head gently against his chest as you closed your eyes, lulled by the rhythm of his breathing. You then felt your own breathing becoming steadier and the tension gradually leaving your body.

You stayed in this position, in the middle of his room, for a moment, and as you were miraculously beginning to fall asleep, the sound of his voice snapped you out of your reverie. "You can stay and sleep here, if you want”, his suggestion was made in a quiet voice, as if he didn't want to rush you.

It was certainly a bad idea, but at the moment, it was the least of your worries. You felt so relaxed, so peaceful, that you murmured a nearly inaudible 'yes' to him but due to your proximity he heard it. Berlin carefuly guided you to his bed, settling you in, and pulled the covers up to your shoulders before settling in on the other side.Finally, you felt sleep starting to kick in. But before fully succumbing to it, you sensed arms embracing you, a soft kiss tenderly placed in your hair and a hand covering your ear blocking the sounds of the thunder outside. A faint smile appeared on your lips, for the first time since the storm began, you felt safe.

first writing done!! english is not my first langage so my sincere apologies for any mistakes I tried to be careful <3

[aonungyoufuck]

Runaway {Part 11}

Runaway masterlist

DNI/BYF

Synopsis: you have finally mated before eywa.

Warnings: Mention of Mating +18? but like no smut at all just making out and feeling each other +  Pregnancy 

“I cannot wait anymore my love” 

Ao’nung was kissing you. Kissing was not uncommon sure. But feeling him so close was. It was nice to feel him so close. His hands roaming you feeling you from the bottom to the top. And it was ever so addicting. 

The burning that came from his hands. The erratic feeling it was desperate. 

It was all you could ask for. 

“Ao’nung. Please wait.” You spoke between your teeth, feeling his lips linger far too long. 

“We waited enough haven’t we?” 

“Understand that once we do this ill be with you forever” 

“That is what I want” he whispered, nipping at your neck. 

“I am serious Ao’nung. I want to know that this is really what you want from me. I been wanting you for so long and this is what i crave i want to be with you as one. But if we ever go home-”

“No” Ao’nung kissed you. Biting your lips to hush your sentence “i Dont ever want go home for i have you here with me. I have everything i ever wanted with you. And ive been far to happy and liberated by your ever waking moment. And i want to be with you now. Feel what you feel” 

You took in a sharp breath feeling him rest his head on your chest. Looking at you with an intent you hadn’t seen since the day he spoke those sweet nothings. 

“I want to be wild with you. Be your every waking thought as you are mine. Feel your sorrows, your pain and your love. I want to have a family with you. Grow old with you.”

Kissing your chest he grabbed his Queue. Its nerves dancing with an excited joy that you knew too well too. 

“ I want to have you here and in our many lifetimes to come. Eywa may bless me to be born alongside you again. I want to have our kids find those they love and experience it as we have now. I want to have you all. If you so much as graced me to be known as yours”

Your breathe was taken. The glow of the tree illuminating you too. You kissed his forehead. Then his left cheek and the right. Before settling on his lips, consuming his breath. 

You grabbed your own queue. Looking at him before finally bringing them together. The sensation was warm. Too warn. The feeling of his arms now burning hot. He was gulping down his breath as he felt what he was doing to you. 

You were crazy adults in love. So desperate to finally have a name to it. Mate’s forever and always. 

“Sa’nok!” Neytiri went ahead to see her mother. As if she was just an illusion. From the looks of it. She had a tiresome flight. 

He didn't wait grabbing your waist and placing you on his lap. It would be a few hours before morning and you two would have to go back to your makeshift home. So for now he’ll enjoy what he can. 

“Mo’at!” Jake exclaimed looking at her. After the formalities. And letting Mo’at drink something after flying for so long. She began to talk

“ I see Your eldest isnt here” 

“So she isnt with you?” 

“No. We have moved once you two left. Be rest assured that our People are safe and well. Ninat has actually Given birth this past cycle” 

The Family was puzzled. Sure they hadn’t been able to find their old clan but they had tricked themselves into thinking that by any possibility that you two were with them. Safe and sound

“I came here to see Y/n and Kiri”

“Wait for what?” 

Mo’at grew quiet. There was clearly some distress in her face. 

“In the morning early. I had taken the New Tsahik for a communication with Eywa. However it seems that something was amiss. I do not know what it was. But it seems like one of my Granddaughters, Has come to that place for a mate. I came here to see if that was true” 

Jake's ears lowered. As is the mood of the pod as well. Mate? 

“Kiri?”

Kiri could only roll her eyes. “No its not I” It was no secret how close she got to a certain Mekayina boy. Though she often brushed it off as nothing more than friendly banter. 

“Ma Jake” Netriti spoke. Sharing knowing looks. There was only one person and they weren’t here. 

“Mo’at… Y/n.. She’s been gone for 3 years now marking yesterday”

Mo’at rose a brow. Crossing her arms as she looked at everyone in the pod. “For What reason”

Ronal had never felt fear. She was fearless, Like to show how powerful she was. How much she did not fear people at all. But right now she was so terrified of the older woman in front of her. “ I forbade her from establishing a relationship with my son”

Mo’at wasn’t angry. Not that she would show it. And that's what made her terribly frightening to  Neytiri who lowered her head in shame. 

“And where is your son?” 

Ronal’s ears flattened. Her arms were shaking. Trembling with a fear any mother would know. “I do not know” She wept. She didn’t know. How she wished she knew where on pandora her son was. Far too long she’s wondered. Far to long has she constantly woken from nightmares where he was just out of reach. “I do not know” 

Mo’at took her hand and rested it on her shoulder. Grounding her back to reality. 

“Tell me Jakesully. Do you know if Her son went with her?”

“I don-”

“He did! I know Grandmother” 

Everyone turned to look at Neteyam. No longer the little warrior boy that was always sitting by quietly. He needed to confirm it 

“He is fated for death. For Eywa told me so” 

“What?”

Mo’at rose her hand. Her face unchanging from her stern look. “All of them. The spirits and the past. All grew quiet with dread. And its only intuition to interpret her words. But it seems her mate. Your Son. Is fading from the strong man he is”

“You don't know what you speak of! My son is strong” 

“Your son isn't here” 

“Mo’at are you sure?” 

Mo’at could only sigh. She had experienced the hurt and the pain that was to lose your beloved. She had mourned so briefly. But the pain is one that she would never wish on anyone. Let alone her own grandchild.  

“I am not certain, however i am certain something is wrong.”

“How long will you be staying here?” Jake asked

Mo’at looked at him. Then pondered for a bit “A week. It is all i can stay before going back” 

“Okay okay. Neteyam. Lo’ak. You two and i will  search where we can. If they came to that tree surely they wouldn’t be far from there.  You two come back as soon as you can i’ll stay and look some more”

Ronal rose from her seat. “I’ll go and look in the clan on the eastern sea. Maybe their Tsahik or Olo’eyktan has seen them”

“I’ll come along too” Tonowari commented, turning back to his daughter. “Daughter. You stay here While we are out” 

“I’ll stay with her.” Neytiri commented standing behind her mother. 

Jake nodded. “Alright. Good plan” 

That was the Plan. Mo’at could only hope that you would not experience the pain of loss. 

—---------------------------

The week went by in a flash. No sign of you anywhere. And your family was growing desperate. 

Life was going on and that's the way Ronal had to have it. Days passed. Weeks maybe? Ronal had lost track after the first year. Ateyo and Tsireya were her grounding points. And even they seemed to move on with the passing of time. 

“How long has it been”

“A month since Mo’at left. A month and three years since they did”

“Tonowari i dont think i can do this” Ronal spoke. It was dark. It was night. And for once she had time to speak her hearts sorrows.

“Be strong Ma Ronal” 

“I know. But i feel my heart breaking. Hear it every time i wake it falling and shattering. I want my son. I want him back at whatever costs” Ronal croaked. 

Something so deep in the core of her being was screaming. 

There was no comfort for this kind of thing. For its sad. And this thing does not happen. 

“Ma ronal i-”

“Tonowari i dont think i can wait anymore. My heart cries any time i ask for any glance of my son. Aches”

“I know ma Ronal. But be patient. I will be here with you” Tonowari spoke kissing her forehead as he hugged her tight. Too much time was passing

It had been Pure bliss really. The loving touches. The words and the feeling. That morning when you had awoken from Mating before Eywa would always be engraved in your feelings. 

And he could only ask for his son’s life. 

Tsaheylu was always a warm feeling. A feeling of becoming one unit and it was really nice. But Tsaheylu in the form of a mate? It was different. A good different. 

You had always imagined it would be different and under different circumstances. You would have a man of your clan and they in turn. And everyone would be happy for you. 

But this wasn't what you pictured. Ao’nungs hands. How he felt you. How his body worked alongside you. And connecting as one more than tsaheylu. It was something else for sure. 

You had felt it once more on one “date night” as Ao’nung had put it. But there was no room for that now. 

Ao’nung had been growing weak. And You had been growing tired. It was only a week and some days into your new bond that you had your suspicions and gathered the few leaves you had established that you were blessed with life inside of you. 

You were going to tell Ao’nung. But he had been laying in his pond far too long. And yet he had made it so known how happy he was for you two. 

“Ma Ao’ you seem paler today than the last days” 

“Its alright” He rasped out. His eyes were heavy with a tiredness you never knew. Exhausted, sunken into himself. You could count his lower ribs. His pale appearance now always wrapped in ointments to keep him comfortable

“I ask you to please lets head home.You are growing so ill now please”

“No. And risk my Mother taking you away from me?” 

You frowned. Placing your hand on his sunken cheek bone. “Please You are ill”

“You are the thing that keeps me going Ma Yawnetu” Ao’nung smiled,  Eyes closing. 

You had watched him fade and it scared you how you were alone. You laid your head on his shoulder. Feeling his breath slow. You sighed, feeling tears in your eyes. “Ao’nung i have something to tell you”

It was quiet. Far too quiet and far too long. 

“Ao’nung?” 

His eyes were shut and his breathing uneven. 

“Ao’nung!”

But it fell on deaf ears. You cursed under your breath. Wiping your eyes as you called to your Ikran. Grabbing his shoulders you Pulled him from the water. You didn’t want to do stuff without Ao’nung to know. But you had bit back your tongue far too long. 

Tossing Ao’nung over your shoulder and onto Mezu “Come on Ao’nung hold on a little longer” You whispered making Tsaheylu as you took flight. 

Praying and hoping that you could hold on just a little longer too

============================================

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[azsluttyslut]

Born to die

Azriel x f!reader

TW: blood, violence, angst, fluff, near death experience.

Word count: 3883

Azriel POV

-Flashback-

Feet don't fail me now

Take me to the finish line

Oh, my heart it breaks every step that I take

But I'm hoping that the gates, they'll tell me that you're mine

He was corner there was no fucking scape, but all he could think about was that least his mate was safe, his only comfort at the moment, lovely (Y/N), always so sweet and caring. “It had my absolute honor to had been with her for the last 60 years” he thought to himself still fighting for his life.

The tried to fight as best as he could, the trained for situations like this his whole life, so he pushed himself harder, Azriel's only goal to see his mate at leat one more time, she deserves to know how much he love, his absolute everything. So that’s what he did, and killed soldiers under Koschie command left and right, but there was no point, they were everywhere and he was losing power, strength and he was so fucking exhausted, this was a losing game. That was until he felt a surge of power, he have never experienced that much power, not even from his brother and High Lord.

It was astonishing how can that blast killed every soldier around him, he himself wasn’t sure how he survived, it was like they melted, all the gore of the soldiers that were surrounding him was everywhere it was a a goo of blood, skin and bones. When Azriel turn around to see who was the person that save him, he couldn’t believe his eyes, his beautiful mate was there, she has never told Azriel about her powers, he never pushed her too afraid to say the wrong thing, she just told him that it brought bad memories and it was her trauma to bear. But watching her use her powers just so she can save Azriel it made him love her even more and for a moment it brought him this sense of peace, it was as if the Mother told him that everything was going to be okay, that this moment even as short as it was, was just one of many to come.

But that sense of peace went as quickly as it came. Because the moment he took a step forward to reach her, in a blink of an eye there was a one of the enchanted soldiers behind here, and before he can voice that, a fucking sword with faesbane was passing through her stomach and the feeling of pain he feel through the bond brought him to his knees and he scream, and scream, and in pure act of willingness only fuel by his anger he killed all around his path until he got to her, screaming and cursing the Mother for being so cruel moments. And then everything went black.

It could be days, or months he didn’t care how much time it passed since he last was conscious, not after the moment he woke up and everything came crashing down. He tried to reach for the bond but the was nothing. Not even his shadows were with him. He didn’t know to much time passed until Rhys came to the healing chambers to check on Azriel.

“Hello Brother, I'm happy to see you finally awake” he just stared at him blankly,the numbness consumed every finer of his body, he knows Rhysand went through the same but at least Feyre came back, instead he watch his mate died, he felt the pain and sure as hell he still feels the void in his chest, his very soul were once was a gold thread, full of love, joy and fulfilment. And as if reading his mind that Azriel is almost sure he did, he says “ she’s not dead, brother”.

-End of the flashback-

Walking through the city streets

Is it by mistake or design?

I feel so alone on the Friday nights

Can you make it feel like home if I tell you you're mine?

It's like I told you, honey (louder)

It’s been a month since the day Azriel woke up, and you are still unconscious, Rhys told him his shadows haven’t left you sight, that brought him a bit of confort. The loneliness consumed his already tormented soul, he never felt this alone in his life, not even when he was a child in the care of those bastards.

Madja doesn’t know when you are going to wake up, but they are sure you will, maybe they are saying that just to make him feel better, he doesn’t know at this point, the void that is the bond wights on him everyday, they won the war but he just feels lost.

Rhys encourage him to seek help with one of Madja's mental health healers, they told him that maybe if he does things that you both used to do together would make him feel better, but walking around Velaris without you it makes him feel empty. Not even your house in the suburbs feels like home, that’s where he made you his, when he devoted himself to you, and the memories are too much, too unbearable without you.

•1 week later•

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry

Sometimes love is not enough

And the road gets tough, I don't know why

Keep making me laugh

Let's go get high

The road is long, we carry on

Try to have fun in the meantime

The memories haunt Azriel like a plague everyday, all the laughs you share, the kisses, the all nighters, both of you getting drunk and high because you were bored. The memories playing in his head stopped the moment he felt the golden thread, all this time it’s has been a dim almost white, a white that made him feel hopeless, but right now it’s recovering color as if you were healing and recovering consciousness.

The tears blinded his eyes and the sob of relief that leaves his mouth, his entire body shook with the force of the sobs. He couldn’t stop the only thoughts running through his mind was “Y/N is waking up”, but even if that was true he could bring himself to go to see you. He couldn’t make himself be hopeful, and knew the only people that could help were his brothers.

Rhys! Rhys! RHYS!! BRING CASSIAN!

Rhysand appeared within seconds with Cassian in tow ready to attack, nothing would prepared them for the sight that greeted them. Azriel looked like a fallen angel, with tears streaming down his cheeks, face blotchy, red eyes, trembling body and slumped wings.

“Are you okay?” Cassian ask his voice frantic, searching for anything, they have never seen ghe shadowsinger like this, in all the years of friendship, he has never been the emotional friend, the only time Azriel cried beside when he was a kid was when Rhys came home form under the Mountain. He still remembers the grief of losing his brother and not been able to do anything to help. But that pain was minuscule compared to the thought and feeling of losing you.

“Az what’s happening? You are scaring us” Cassian voice make Azriel snaps out of his grieving thoughts, the tears and sobs don’t stop, he can bring himself to stop feeling.

“T-the bond” the sobs that leaves his mouth shooks his whole body, not even been able to form coherent sentence, the warlord and the high lord look at each other without knowing what to say, not knowing how to approach this topic.

“What about the bond” Rhys ask carefully, too carefully to the spymaster liking, but he doesn’t care, he feels the bond recovering it’s power, it makes his soul mend just a fraction.

“It- it’s not dim anymore” Both males sigh in relief “Rhys, I need you to check her, I-I can’t, I can’t get my hopes up, please” Rhysand gives Azriel a court nod and his gaze become distant, meaning that he’s asking Feyre. After about 10 minutes that felt like an eternity, Rhys has a small smile while looking at his broken brother. Stepping closer so he can comfort him while explaining what Feyre told him.

“She’s regaining consciousness, Madja said any of this days she would be awake again” After that the shadowsinger didn’t stopped crying of relief until he feel asleep. Cass and Rhys stayed the night, making sure that Adriel was okay.

-Flashback-

Come and take a walk on the wild side

Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain

You like your girls insane, so (louder)

Choose your last words, this is the last time

'Cause you and I, we were born to die

The night before the last battle it was raining, while you and your mate were at your tent, cuddle up.

“Let’s take a walk” Y/N said with those (e/c) eyes that the spymaster love to get lost in. And he knew he could never say no to those eyes while they look at him as if he’s the only person on earth, Azriel always tends to agree to whatever you wants, this time it wasn’t any different. He loves the spontaneous things you do, sometimes some of the things you wants to do border insanity, but he loves every aspect of his mate. So without a thought he took your hand while leading you outside.

“Angel be careful it’s raining, I don’t want you to get sick” the shadowsinger said, he knows fae don’t get sick easily but he always worry about you. Your only response was only a snort of laughter, and oh boy! how he love that sound.

“Az, you know as well as I do, fae don’t get sick easily, why don’t we dance in the rain, and just listen to the pattern of the rain” Your eyes glowed with joy as you looked at him expectantly, he didn’t hesitate in taking your hand and dragging you until we are chest to stomach, while you start to sway with his hands on your hips and yours around his neck, with your head laid on Azriel chest.

The shadowsinger couldn’t stop watching you, admiring more likely, he didn’t take his eyes away even while they were swaying to the sound of the rain and the latter soaking your clothes, but after some time he couldn’t contain himself and kissed you as hard as he could pouring all his love and devotion he feel for you, sending it through the bond and through the kiss. After that you two went back to the tent, drop the wet clothes and he showed you how much he loves you throughout the night.

But in the morning the bubble you’d encompass yourselves in exploded, because of how Rhys made the strategy for the last battle.

“Azriel I don’t care if Rhysand gave you the order or not, you will not be standing in the fucking front lines, I swear to the mother you cross that tent and…” Yelling got you nowhere with Adriel Y/N knew that as much, but even then he could still see the fear you held of the idea of him on the front. But his anger overpowered his common sense.

“Or what? Are you going to do what? (Y/N) this is for the best, I know how to protect myself, I know my limit. This is for our future, so yes I’m going to cross that tent because this is who I am, this is who was raised to be, born to be, if I have to die there knowing that you are safe, then my mission is done” and without another word he left the tent, your tent were his mate was left crying.

But to Azriel's saddened heart in middle of the battle he realized you never gave each other the kiss before battle, it was a non spoken deal between the two, it was their “I’ll be waiting for you to come back, please come back”. But it was too late, and the words exchange between the two in those last moments left a bitter taste on Azriel's tongue.

-End of the flashback-

Y/N POV

•1 week later•

Lost but now I am found

I can see that once I was blind

I was so confused as a little child

Tryna take what I could get

Scared that I couldn't find

All the answers, honey (louder)

My body feels like it’s on fire, I can’t even open my eyes, every nerve, every muscle in my body hurts, is this the after life? I thought that when you died you don’t feel any pain. But oh gods! I feel like I was crushed under a fucking mountain. Cauldron fucking boil me alive! The only thing that I feel apart from the agonizing pain in my body are the scattering caresses of what I think are Az's shadows.

A groan leaves my lips, as I tried my hardest to open my eyes to the blinding light that comes from the window, as if sensing my discomfort almost all of the shadows surround the room in darkness, while the others hurried vanished out of the room to probably alert Azriel and the inner circle. I don’t remember what happened, my last memory was the night before battle that me and mate dance in the rain, followed up to have the most tender and loving sex with Az. I feel so lost, with so many questions.

The sound of hurried footsteps getting closer bring me back from my scattering thoughts, a second later my beautiful mate appears in all his glory, but he looks terrible, not in a bad way, Azriel is the most gorgeous male I’ve ever seen, he couldn’t be ugly even if he tried. But there are circles under his eyes as if he hasn’t sleep in forever, his cheekbones are more prominent and he looks like he lost some pound and muscle. What the hel happened?

He looks frantic throughout the room as if some broke in, but that is until his gaze land on me. He lunges himself at me while breaking down with sobs. I tried to move to comfort him but my body is not cooperating. Not even my voice is functioning. Azriel's sobs break my heart and I think he feels it because he looks and me with tears in his eyes.

“You are alive” he looks at me as if he hasn’t seen me in years “you are okay” he repeats the same thing as mantra, as if trying to convince himself this is real. I tried to speak but no words come out. He sense this and rushes to bring you a glass of water, you gulp it down and the refills it again and again until your throat doesn’t feel like sand anymore.

“Hello my love” my voice comes out scratchy like I haven’t used it in a long time, at the pet name my mate's eyes fill with tears again. “what happened?”

“I promise, I’m going to tell you anything you want to know, baby, but I need to alert Madja you are awake, okay?” He caress my hair, my face touching everything part of me that he can, I’m able to give him a small nod, while his eyes become distant probably telling Rhys to call Madja.

Madja came ask questions while checking my body, always questioning where it hurts, what’s the last I remember, and told me not ask what happened, that my memories will be back in time, and asking would affect the currency of them, after a while she gave strict orders to all my family that I’m to stay in bed for at least a week more, that I need to regain my energy and my weight, and not to exhaust myself, while also giving Azriel some viles that help with the pain.

The week I was in bed all my family make sure I was taken care of, even Amren took care of me, that was weird, I’ve never seen her be so soft with someone, and that includes Varian, Mor and Feyre were as usual always fussing about anything I needed, Cassian and Rhys always made sure I was comfy enough and bringing me gifts and food, Cassian brought me a lot of books, courtesy of Ness, and sometimes Nests came to check up on me. And Azriel well he never left my side and when he did he made sure to leave his shadows with me even if he was to leave one minute.

Elain is another story altogether, since she was made, she took a liking to my mate, I don’t blame her Az is the sweetest most precious soul that I’ve ever known and because of that he indulged her, not intentionally, he just wanted to help her getting used to her new life, which gave her the impression that he was interested, and when she tried to make a move and he rejected her, she almost attacked me, blaming me that I stole Azriel for her. And while her sisters were on my side, they couldn’t let her sister's side either. Since then my relationship with the Acheron middle sister is non existent.

Don't make me sad, don't make me cry

Sometimes love is not enough

And the road gets tough, I don't know why

Keep making me laugh

Let's go get high

The road is long, we carry on

Try to have fun in the meantime

After I was given the good to go by Madja, Az help me with training, giving me small exercises to regain strength, while always making sure I was okay and drinking enough water. I tried to talk to him about what happened with me, but every time I tried it was fruitless, is like all his walls shot up and he becomes a shell of himself, he has nightmares most nights and when he wakes up he makes sure I’m breathing and then proceeds to hold me tight trough out the night.

Come and take a walk on the wild side

Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain

You like your girls insane, so (louder)

Choose your last words, this is the last time

'Cause you and I, we were born to die

As Madja said the memories will be recovered with time, they did and I remember everything, the night before battle, the fight before battle and the moment I saved my mate for being killed to me being stabbed by a faesbane coverd sword. And even though I remember all the traumatic events, one thing is echoing in my head. Azriel last words before battle “…this is who I am, this is who was raised to be, born to be, if I have to die there knowing that you are safe, then my mission is done” it’s like he thinks himself as a weapon, he always did, but I thought we were past that.

“Love, are you okay?” Azriel’s melodic voice breaks through my thoughts, making me snap my eyes to his hazel almost gold eyes. His scarred fingers wipe gently my under eyes, I didn’t know I was crying until that moment.

“Az, do you still see yourself as a weapon?” I look straight into his eyes, but when he adverts his eyes, I got my answer. “You know, we talked about that for years, I thought that you didn’t see yourself that way anymore” I say gently.

“I know, trust me I know, but when the war began and everything happened, my only thought was that I have to keep you safe, and if that means be a weapon, t-then so be it” his voice breaks at the end “when you saved me I couldn’t be more proud to call you my mate, I was so ready to run to you, and hold you, but the moment that that soldiers s-stabbed you, I-I lost it, I didn’t even realized more soldiers were approaching me, but it was like my brain knew and I killed them all just to get to you” A few tears scape his eyes, with shaky fingers I cup his face and wipe them, his eyes look up at mine, and all the pain I see there breaks my heart.

A sob scapes my lips when I tried to talk, taking a deep breath I tried again “We are stronger than this baby, we are going to go through this together as we always do, and if I have to remind you every day for the rest of our lives that you are not a weapon, that you are worthy, and wroth living for, I will, always, but you have to promise me that you will try, and never give up on you, on us” I tell him, resting me forehead against his, while looking deep in his eyes. His chin quivers with, and tears wet his eyelashes. Azriel gives me a nod while chanting “I promise” over and over again.

We were born to die

(We were born to die, we were born to die, we were born to die)

We were born to die

A pain prickles my neck making me hiss and my mate's heveas a hiss of his own while touching his neck, my eyes look at his neck looking at a tattoo, a skull with wings, “The Angel of Death”, that’s what that means, what they used to called in the Court of Nightmares. My power, death in every shape or form. My fingers trace the portrayal of our promise mark on our skins. His eyes adverts to my neck, looking at what I know is my tattoo, it’s a skull with truth-teller he says, while shaky breaths and broken voice.

“Please don’t leave me again” he says after a few moments “I wouldn’t know how to bear with that, the past month and a half, it was hel” his eyes plead with me.

Come and take a walk on the wild side

Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain

You like your girls insane

I gave him a reassuring smile, crashing my lips with his, in a silent promise that everything is going to be fine, that we are going to do this together. Whatever long it takes. That I have him as he has me. That our love is unconditional and strong. That we will have again moments like the one we had before battle. And specially that we will be together to whatever life throws at us. And I’m that moment draped in each others arms, everything feels right.

So, don't make me sad, don't make me cry

Sometimes love is not enough

And the road gets tough, I don't know why

Keep making me laugh

Let's go get high

The road is long, we carry on

Try to have fun in the meantime

Come and take a walk on the wild side

Let me kiss you hard in the pouring rain

You like your girls insane, so (louder)

Choose your last words, this is the last time

'Cause you and I, we were born to die

We were born to die

(We were born to die, we were born to die, we were born to die)

We were born to die

Why? (Got that?)

Who, me? (Louder)

(We were born to die, we were born to die, we were born to die)

Why? (Got that?)

Fin.

A/N: well as I said I’m new to this, I hope you enjoy, I accept constructive criticism and feedback. Thank you and sorry for any grammar errors 🫶🏼

[babybemydownfall]

things that shimmer in the dark Part V: Feyre NSFW Thank you for the love and shares and comments. I love this story so much and I hope you do too.

He opened his eyes. They were so brilliantly violet, so full of starlight, that it shocked me. I wondered if I would ever get used to him, and all his power, and everything he was. I hoped not. Whatever became of us, I hoped he never stopped being spectacular to me.

And then he blinked, like he was finally fully awake, and suddenly looked horrified. “Fuck. I should not have slept in your bed, Feyre.”

AO3 or below the cut.

Part V: Feyre II I woke to pale, wintry light filtering in through the uncovered windows. The air was freezing, chilling my face and shoulders, but the rest of me was toasty and warm - thanks to the thick feather duvet and the hot, naked body wrapped around mine. We were in the same position we’d fallen asleep in: Rhys spooned up behind me, his arm across my waist, our legs entwined. The bond between us was glowing inside me, like it was content at our physical closeness. I stayed very still, listening to his deep, regular breathing. He hadn’t woken yet. There were quiet movements in the house: the creak of a stair; subdued chatter from the floor below. A bird chirped outside as it swooped past the house, and everything felt… peaceful.

It occurred to me it had been a long time since I’d slept in a bed with someone. That had been Tamlin, months ago - back when I was truly broken. But even then, he had never held me. Not when I was a ghost, being destroyed by nightmares and vomiting my guts up every night. Not when I had needed him to.

Not like this: like I was precious. Wanted. Something worth protecting, worth holding on to.

I felt safe, lying here with Rhys. And not just from outside threats: from myself. From the darkness and despair that clawed at my skin, trying to climb all over me, to consume me. I had had another dreamless sleep. It could only have been a few hours but I felt like I’d rested for days. And even if a nightmare had come for me, I knew he would never have left me alone. He wouldn’t have rolled over and pretended to be oblivious. Not long ago he had found me in a bed full of ash, my fingertips on fire; had held my hair and stroked my back as I threw up over and over again. I had assumed he was mostly concerned for his house, and trying to save it from being engulfed by my flames. But reflecting on it now, there had been an undeniable tenderness in him; the same tenderness I could see in his eyes as he gazed at me, as he murmured my name and kissed my skin and watched me move above him.

Last night had been… extraordinary. It would take me some time to process it. The strength of our desire; the ease with which we pleased each other’s bodies, and the unbelievable sweetness of it. How he reached for me down the bond and I let myself collide with him without a second thought. I gave him everything I was and didn’t even question it. It was intriguing, and frightening. And I suspected it would have been beautiful, too, if we were truly lovers. If I was ever to see us that way.

But that was not something I could face just yet. A problem for the future.

Right now, I needed to get out of bed and go to empty my bladder. I wanted to bathe and brush my teeth. I was loathe to wake Rhys, to leave the warmth of the bed and the memories of last night, to face the reality of a new day - but I didn’t have much choice. I tried to be as gentle as possible, starting by unentangling my legs from his, but I had barely gotten anywhere when I felt his arm tighten around me.

“No.” His voice was thick with sleep. “Stay.”

Forty eight hours ago I had said the same word to him - and now here we were.

He held me even closer, nuzzling his nose against my shoulder, pressing a kiss there. His hand came up to hold my breast and his thumb softly stroked my skin - not in an arousing way. It was purely affectionate. And suddenly I saw a glimpse of the future: of a relationship that was more than just ridiculously hot sex. I knew Rhys was not the cruel, cunning High Lord he had to play. I knew he could be tender, and loving. He had already shown me that. Would we spend mornings like this one in bed, talking, reading, kissing? Would we make each other laugh, and share a thousand jokes that were funny only to us? Would we build a whole life together in Velaris, where his bedroom would become ours, where his arms would become my home - for the rest of eternity?

Something inside me said, Yes please.

It was the first time since I’d gone under the mountain that I had seen any kind of future for myself. And it was comforting, knowing that I could even contemplate such a thing when my thoughts had been nothing but blackness for so long. But it was also terrifying. Forty eight hours with someone was not enough time to change the entire course of my immortal life.

Was it?

“Come on,” I said to Rhys instead, forcing myself to refocus on the present. “We need to get up.”

I shifted onto my back so I could see him. His eyes were closed, his long black lashes resting against his cheek. He looked so calm, so relaxed. He was still the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and my heart thumped harder beneath my ribs.

“No,” he grumbled. His leg crossed over both of mine, trapping me. “It’s our day off.”

“I heard footsteps on the stairs and they were not just the dainty feet of my sisters. You don’t think it will be suspicious if we’re both still in here when everyone else is up?”

“I don’t care.”

“You do.”

He opened his eyes. They were so brilliantly violet, so full of starlight, that it shocked me. I wondered if I would ever get used to him, and all his power, and everything he was. I hoped not. Whatever became of us, I hoped he never stopped being spectacular to me.

And then he blinked, like he was finally fully awake, and suddenly looked horrified. “Fuck. I should not have slept in your bed, Feyre.”

My mouth opened in surprise. “Why not?”

“Because…” He rolled onto his back as well, rubbing his hands over his face. “I have nightmares too. Bad ones. I could have hurt you.”

“You wouldn’t.”

He glanced at me again, wary. “I might.”

“No. I trust you. I know you - in here.” I tugged gently on the bond. It made us both shiver: reminding us of all the things we had done in the night; of just how intimate we were becoming. “You would have recognised me.”

I didn’t know how I was so sure, but I was. With every single piece of my being.

“And anyway,” I went on, “did you even dream?”

He looked thoughtful for a moment. “No. Not at all.”

“Me neither.”

We smiled at each other, at what that implied.

“Gods, Feyre,” he said, his voice full of wonder. “I have waited so long for you to smile at me like that.”

“Like what?”

Instinctively we turned towards one another again. He reached up his fingers and brushed my hair away from my face. “Like you actually like me.”

“Don’t get your hopes up,” I teased.

He moved closer and I felt his erection press into my belly. “Well, I like you. Very much.”

“Rhys! No. I need to get up. I need to pee, and wash, and clean my teeth.”

“And then come back to bed.”

“And then,” I countered, “go downstairs and pretend we did not fuck all night and wake up wrapped around each other.”

He gazed deep into my eyes; saw that I was serious and then sighed. “Fine.”

“Can you please warm the air for me before I get up? It’s freezing.”

“Do it yourself.”

I scowled at him. “I can’t.”

“If you learned to use your powers, you could.”

“It would be quicker for you to just do it than argue with me.”

He smirked. “I already have.”

“Prick.”

He laughed as I pulled back the covers and stood up. “I’m guessing you’d like a full, hot bath too?” he asked, his gaze roaming unashamedly over my body.

My aching muscles went slack at the thought. “Yes please.”

“Only if I can watch you.”

“No!” His flirting was so audacious today. I didn’t want him to see how much it was turning me on, although I suspected he already could. “You know how that went, last time.”

“Yes. You seduced me.”

I narrowed my eyes at him. “I didn’t mean to. I did just want a friend, and a back scrub. You touched me first… So if anything, you seduced me.”

When he sat up the duvet fell to his waist, revealing all the perfectly defined muscles of his shoulders, chest and abdomen. I wanted to reach out and touch him. To lick him.

“And I would do so again,” he said seriously, desire flashing in his eyes. “Over and over. I will, back home.”

Even as hot liquid pooled in my core at the blatant promise in his words, a retort came to me: Velaris isn’t my home. But that wasn’t quite true. This manor house below the Wall certainly wasn’t. I belonged in Prythian. And as I was never going back to Tamlin, that only left the Night Court.

And Rhys.

I shook my head slightly, chasing that thought away. “After my bath,” I said firmly, “I want to train my powers.”

“Really? On our day off?”

“Really. Will you teach me?”

His lips twitched in amusement. “Will you say please?”

I strolled to the bathing room, completely naked. At the door, I glanced back at him over my shoulder with a mischievous smile. “Not a chance.”

Then I shut it behind me - and locked it.

Fortunately he had also warmed the air inside and the bathtub was full, steam rising from the surface. I used the toilet and then stood in front of the mirror. I almost expected to see myself covered in him: tattoos and black night curling around me like the memory of his fingers, his body. But I still looked like myself. Messy hair, bright eyes, pink cheeks. Happy. It would be impossible for anyone to spend a night being loved like that by Rhys and not be happy.

While I bathed, I heard him leave the bedroom and cross the landing, heading to the other bathroom down the hall. I washed carefully, finding parts of me that were sore - particularly my inner thighs. My internal muscles ached too. Not that I was surprised: no one had ever been as deep inside me as he had. No one else had made me fall apart from that feeling alone.

I got out of the tub before I let my mind wander any further. There were towels on the rail and I wrapped myself up in one. Again, I thought back to forty eight hours ago. What would I be doing right now if I hadn’t asked him that fateful question? There were moments in life where the path ahead forked in completely opposite directions; where the two possible futures could not be more different. I had experienced many of them: killing the wolf; heading under the mountain; making my bargain with Amarantha.

Defying orders on Calanmai and finding Rhys for the first time. Letting him save my life in exchange for my time, my freedom. And, just two days ago, being brave enough to wonder what would happen if I dropped my towel to the floor.

I had set us on this path together - but I knew, deep down, that we were always going to end up here eventually. It felt inevitable because it was. We were drawn to one another; connected by that bond between us which just seemed to be growing stronger every day. I hated feeling powerless - it was perhaps, after Tamlin, after Amarantha, my worst fear - but I also didn’t want to fight it. Not when it was this good. Not when Rhys was so playful and unguarded, when simply looking at him made me burn up with lust.

Not when I had started to remember happiness, and laughter; to feel the very edges of the hole inside my chest beginning to heal. I couldn’t define what we were, couldn’t think too hard about what it all meant - that was too much. But for now, I could damn well enjoy myself.

I found new toothbrushes and paste in the cupboard, and headed back into the bedroom in my towel with fresh, clean teeth - only to realise I hadn’t brought a change of clothes. I hadn’t known we’d be staying. Or had I just been too distracted by Rhys to think about it? Was I going mad with desire?

He knocked before he re-entered the room. He was dressed and smelt fresh, like soap and his usual citrus and jasmine. He was rapidly becoming my favourite scent.

He quietly shut the door and looked me over from head to toe, his gaze darkening as he did so. “Feyre. This is very reminiscent, isn’t it?”

I didn’t take the bait. We didn’t have time. “I don’t have any clean clothes.”

“You do. I took the liberty of packing some for you.”

“What?”

He shrugged. “I wanted to be prepared.”

“And you didn’t think to tell me, so I could pack for myself?”

“I was… avoiding you.”

I frowned at him. “Fine. Can I have them then?”

He pulled out a small case from thin air and passed it to me. Inside was a fresh set of Night Court-style clothes, this time in dark grey; my leather trousers, jacket and a white shirt; and seven pairs of my lacy underwear. Far more than required for an overnight stay.

I picked them all up in one colourful handful and held them out between us. “What…? Why…?”

“I didn’t know which little scrap you’d prefer.” He was smirking, his hands in his pockets. I associated that pose with power. Danger.

“You could have asked me.”

“Where would be the fun in that?”

He was radiating sexual energy. I couldn’t take my eyes off him. “Which pair do you want me to wear today then?”

His smile became feline. “Thank you for considering me in your decision, Feyre darling. But if I am perfectly honest… I would rather you wore none at all.”

There was a fire deep in my core and it started to pulse. I felt the heat bloom beneath my skin, felt my breasts tighten. “You are incorrigible,” I managed to say.

And then suddenly he was striding towards me, reaching for my waist. “You are naked under there,” he growled, and before I could stop him, he kissed me - hard. Just like the rest of him.

I immediately dissolved, opening my mouth, welcoming his tongue against mine. My body pressed itself into his, my arms wrapping around his neck, my feet rising onto tiptoes to get closer, to have more. I needed him. It was a simple, undeniable fact. And it had to happen right now.

He walked us backwards until I hit the wall. Ten seconds later I almost jumped out of my skin when there was a loud knock on the door.

“Are you two up?”

Cassian.

Rhys trailed his mouth down my throat, thoroughly unphased. “Answer him,” he murmured, and I could tell he was smiling.

“Yes,” I said weakly. “Just getting dressed. By myself. I mean, Rhys has his eyes shut.”

He knelt on the floor and pushed the hem of my towel upwards.

“Are you coming for breakfast?” Cassian asked impatiently.

There were soft kisses climbing up my thighs and I couldn’t speak anymore. Rhys laughed quietly against me. His voice sounded perfectly normal when he answered: “We’ll be there soon.”

Cassian scoffed. “Hurry up, you lazy cunt. I’m starving and our delightful host won’t feed us until we’re all present.”

Even through my haze, I was shocked by his language. Rhys seemed to know this. As he nudged my legs apart, he said: “He’s Illyrian. I’ll take you up there one day. Most of them can’t get through a sentence without swearing.”

We both listened to the sound of footsteps fading away down the stairs. Then he tugged open my towel, baring me to him entirely. “There is no shield this morning, Feyre. A total absence of sound is suspicious in itself.” He trailed kisses down the creases of my hips and I bit my lip to stop myself from moaning. “So you have to be a good girl and stay quiet. Okay?”

I nodded, feeling myself grow even wetter. He breathed me in, his strong fingers curling into my thighs with enough pressure to hurt. “You know, I happen to like the word cunt,” he said thoughtfully. “But not at much as I like yours.”

And then he lifted my left leg with his hand, spreading it wide, and put his mouth on me. Forty eight hours and I had already learned this was one of his favourite things to do. Forty eight hours and I already knew he was exceptionally good at it.

He licked me from bottom to top, from inside my entrance all the way up to my clit. He sucked and lapped there, sending pleasure like shooting stars all the way through my body, before delving back down and repeating the sequence again. And again, and again. Occasionally he would alter course, teasing me by biting my inner thigh, my belly; by kissing my folds, or plunging his tongue all the way inside me. His free hand was on my right breast, his thumbnail flicking over the hard peak of my nipple, adding fuel to the blaze that was engulfing me.

It didn’t take long at all for me to be close. He felt fucking phenomenal, and the way he was groaning against me, telling me how aroused he was too, was unbelievably hot. My fingers were in his hair, not to guide him - he didn’t need that - but to hold him to me. I never wanted to let him go. Everything inside me felt so good, so sweet as it built and built, and I wanted to stay there for the rest of time.

But the end was fast approaching - and he knew, of course. My hisses and gasps, the way my hips were moving, riding his face, were telling him quite clearly. He focused all his attention on my clit, kissing and circling relentlessly until I thought I couldn’t bear it anymore, until it was too much sensation, too much for me to take-

And then I soared over the edge, my orgasm roaring through me. It took all my strength not to scream as wave after wave crashed over me. Rhys kept licking me until I pushed him away, completely spent. He stood, lifting me as easily as if I weighed nothing, and carried me to the bed. But when he wrapped me in his arms and kissed me, it was gentle and tender. Not a continuation - an ending.

I gazed into his eyes as he said softly, “One day, I will spread you out and really take my time. I want to make you beg and moan like you never have before. You have no idea what you do to me, Feyre."

I shifted my leg against his rock solid cock. “I have some idea.”

He smiled, running his fingertip along my jaw. I thought he was going to say something else but then he seemed to change his mind, kissing me again instead. I liked tasting myself on his mouth. He and I would have this secret - and all our other ones - all day long. A tangible reminder of our illicit liaisons.

“We should go down for breakfast,” he murmured against my lips.

“You already have.”

He buried his laughter in the side of my neck, which made me shiver.

I ran my hands over his broad back, down to his waist. “Are you sure you don’t want to come too?”

“For breakfast, or inside you?”

I smiled against his silky hair. “Either. Both.”

“I always want both. Particularly the you part.” He looked up at me again, so unreasonably handsome and endearing. He would be so easy to fall for - if I hadn’t started to already. “But I am genuinely afraid Cassian will be back any moment to break down the door. And as amusing as it would be to see the look on his face, I don’t want him to find us like this. Especially you, naked and flushed and delicious. You are… so beautiful.”

And all mine.

That’s what he didn’t say, but we both knew it was true.

I let him pull me to stand and finally got dressed as he opened the windows and remade the bed. I chose the bright red lacy panties - something told me he’d like them the most. And indeed, as he watched me pull on my leather trousers over the top, I could see he was already thinking about taking them off again later.

Once I was fully clothed, ready to train with him after we’d had food, Rhys took my hands in his. “Thank you,” he said solemnly.

“For what?”

“For seducing me. Or allowing me to seduce you, as you claim.” I laughed and squeezed his fingers. His forehead came to rest on mine, our eyes falling shut. I could feel his heart beating loudly down the bond, echoing in my chest. “Thank you for letting me in, Feyre. Thank you for helping me start to heal.”

Suddenly I felt the sting of tears as a well of emotion rose up inside me. “Thank you. For… everything.”

There were so many things I was grateful to him for. Too many to count - not least, saving my life. Multiple times. But I didn’t get chance to elaborate because the sound of a large, muscled Illyrian running up the stairs crashed right through the moment.

“Rhysand! Feyre!” Cassian bellowed from the hallway. “What the fuck are you doing?”

Rhys sighed, stepping back from me. “Time to go.”

“Yes.”

“One day,” he began, “we will-”

But the door rattled on its hinges and he opened it by magic instead, saving it from ruin. Cassian looked furious. As we hurried after him, I wondered what Rhys had been going to say - and knew that whatever vision of the future he had for us, it wouldn’t be too long until I was ready to hear it.

Until I was ready to share my future with him. Every eternal moment of it.

[caesarandthecity]

Time in Prison

Since the dawn of mythology, time has always been seen as an absolute and relentless power. Saturn, also known as Chronos in Greek mythology, is the god who devours his own children, a metaphor for the inevitability of time that consumes everything. Chronos created time as an infinite current, a force that shapes life, ages, and destroys, never stopping or looking back.

However, the modern view of time gained new dimensions with Albert Einstein and his Theory of Relativity. Einstein taught us that time is not a straight line but something flexible—it can stretch and shrink, depending on speed and gravity. For some, time passes slowly; for others, too quickly. But one truth remains: we can never go back, only move forward.

It is in this paradox that time becomes more than just a concept—it becomes a lived experience, especially when incarcerated. Time in prison becomes its own entity, a prison within a prison—stretched, endless, relentless. Here, time is a cruel dance between Chronos and relativity, a battle fought daily, minute by minute.

Here’s a gift, some advice, a word of encouragement: the more you fill your time with activities that elevate you as a human being, the faster time passes. This is called the state of flow—that moment when you are so absorbed in what you’re doing that you don’t even notice time passing. I rediscovered my love for reading in prison; I would read a book a day. And I didn’t just read—I realized we consume so little of a book, so I marked the pages I loved most, and when I finished the book, I wrote an essay about it. I still have those writings with me.

I redid high school, studied all the subjects; it was a unique experience to go back and study everything I had learned as a young man, but now in another language. I even asked the prison for a calculator to better follow the math classes, but since there were none available, I did the calculations by hand! I studied personal development, religion, and watched the video “Chasing the Dragon” repeatedly, which shows addicts and ex-addicts and their battles against addiction. It helped me a lot to understand my own methamphetamine addiction and where it could lead me.

I decided to work out and started right there in my cell. Of course, my cellmate laughed at first, but I just didn’t care—I kept going. Slowly, I gained more confidence, and that confidence spread to other areas of my life. Even today, I meditate and do yoga every morning, just as I did in prison. I would wake up before the C.O. called us for breakfast. By the time it was time to serve breakfast, I had already meditated, done yoga, brushed my teeth, changed clothes, and combed my hair.

I did yoga straight on the floor, no mat, no blanket, no blocks. It helped me immensely every day, and I became much more aware of my body. And I didn’t care what others thought. To them, it wasn’t normal. How dare I enjoy that moment in prison when they were all there suffering, with their families suffering outside? I heard that many times. But the truth is, it all comes down to choices. I made mine; they made theirs.

I wrote in my diary every day, about the past, the present, and my hopes and dreams for the future. I wrote stories, fiction, and about the reality of my past. I cried a lot—every month, every week, almost every day. I cried asking for forgiveness, I cried accepting forgiveness, I cried always in gratitude, never asking for anything.

Sometimes, I felt like the day wasn’t long enough for all the activities I wanted to do. I even enjoyed the days we were locked in our cells all day, as it was an opportunity to read uninterrupted. Gradually, I created a routine, added new activities, replaced others, and time went by.

Until, one day, the last day finally arrived.

Filling my time and diving into this state of flow made me see the prison experience differently. The walls no longer felt like they were closing in, and the barred windows no longer stopped my mind from flying and building a better future for myself. I thought about creating a list of goals to achieve after prison, but I wanted something deeper than a simple list. I went to understand the etymology of the word "Meta." The word "Meta" comes from the ancient Greek "μετά" (metá), meaning "beyond," "target," or "purpose." Originally used to denote something that goes beyond the here and now, "Meta" carries the sense of transcending, of seeking something beyond the current point—a goal, a change, an evolution.

Understanding that to reach a goal, one must transcend and change, I wrote down all my goals knowing that, to achieve them, I would have to change my current state. With that understanding and knowing I was imprisoned, I chose to use my time to my advantage, filling it with as much flow as possible.

Encouraging Message:

Never underestimate the power of your time and what you can do with it. Even in the darkest places, it’s you who decides how to fill your days. Find your flow, immerse yourself in what helps you grow, and remember: time doesn’t have to be your enemy; it can be your ally in building a better future. No matter where you are, you are stronger than you think.

[dc-and-arfrona]

Favorite

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Nightwing x GN!Reader

Based of this prompt: “You know, you don’t say ‘I love you’ to him like you used to with me,” he mumbles. I glance at him and smile sadly. 

Word Count: 700+

Type: Angst

Masterlist

----

"You know, you don't say 'I love you' to him like you used to with me," Nightwing mumbled, his voice filled with melancholy. I glanced at him, my heart heavy with the weight of regret and sorrow.

"I haven't said that in years, how could you possibly remember if I said it the same or not?" I replied, my voice laced with a deep sadness. The memories of our past love story flooded my mind, haunting me with what once was and could never be again.

Now it was his turn to smile sadly at me, his eyes reflecting the pain of lost love. "Because, since the day you left... It's been my favorite sound, and the only thing I hear and want to hear again."

Tears welled up in my eyes as I fought to maintain my composure. The ache in my heart intensified, knowing that I had shattered something beautiful between us. "Nightwing, I made a choice—a painful one. I thought it was for the best, but I never realized how much it would cost us."

His gaze met mine, his eyes glistening with unshed tears. "You were my world, my everything. Losing you shattered me, and I've never been the same since."

Guilt consumed me, as I understood the depth of his pain. I had torn us apart in an attempt to protect us both, but in doing so, I had left behind a trail of broken hearts and shattered dreams.

"I thought leaving was the right thing to do, that it would spare us from further pain," I whispered, my voice choked with regret. "But I never stopped loving you, Nightwing. That love has been my burden to bear, a constant reminder of the choices we made."

Nightwing reached out, his hand trembling as he brushed a tear from my cheek. "I've carried your absence with me every day, the emptiness growing with each passing moment. I miss the sound of your laughter, the warmth of your touch. I miss us."

A sob escaped my lips as the weight of our loss crashed over me like a tidal wave. "I'm so sorry, Nightwing. I can never undo the past, but I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me."

His eyes softened, a mixture of pain and understanding reflecting in their depths. "Forgiveness may come with time, but the scars remain. We can't go back to what we were, but perhaps we can find a way to heal, to create something new."

A sense of resignation settled between us, the realization that what we had once cherished had been irreparably damaged. We stood there, the silence heavy with unspoken words and the ache of lost possibilities.

"I'll always love you," Nightwing whispered, his voice breaking with emotion. "But we can't live in the shadow of what we were. We must find our own paths, even if it means walking them alone."

Tears streamed down my face as I nodded, the pain of acceptance mingling with the remnants of our shattered love. "I understand. It's time for us to say goodbye, to let go of what we were and find our own solace."

Nightwing's touch lingered for a moment, a final farewell, before he stepped back, his gaze filled with a mixture of longing and resignation. "Take care of yourself, (Y/N). May you find the happiness you deserve."

As he walked away, my heart shattered into a thousand pieces, the sound of his retreating footsteps echoing the finality of our parting. Love had brought us together, but life had torn us apart, leaving us to mourn what was lost and find a way to move forward.

In the wake of our bittersweet goodbye, I vowed to carry the lessons learned, the pain endured, and the love we once shared as I embarked on a journey to heal and rediscover myself. And perhaps, in time, we would find a way to reconcile the fragments of our broken hearts, even if it was no longer in each other's arms.

[jaewrotethis]

20- Nightmares...

What happened on this day was impacting enough to take over my night. My dreams consumed with what I’ve felt today. I send myself to my bed sooner than the rest. Pan became just another boy in the room full of boys after leaving me on the balcony of the big front room. I couldn’t care, though. I was too determined to think over everything that happened today. I wanted to be alone to pick my brain apart, my day apart. So to my room I go, turning away from the front room and into the dark, maze hallways.

Alright, do the thing. I tell the second voice in my head, since she managed to navigate through the halls this morning.

You do it.

How.

Just think about the room.

I close my eyes at the dark hallway.

Stay relaxed.

I breathe out and I picture my torn blankets, my ripped sheet. The broken dresser and fluff mess of the entire room. The cold and forever opened window directly across the entrance and the smaller door to its right. Another breath and then I open my eyes to the room given to me. I stand in front of the open door. The room I so ungratefully tore to shreds sitting quietly behind the threshold. I walk in slowly, trying to find a sense of home or maybe comfort, trying to convince myself that this is mine. Over to the mattress, away from the forever open window that leaks a cold, cold air to flush my room, I walk.

I stop to put the lamp back where it belongs, on my night stand then walk the room to replace everything back where it should be. I put all the drawers back into the beaten apart dresser and the trunk back into the closet. I pick up what’s left of the pillows that were gifted to me and put them on the head of the mattress. Then the ripped sheets and the torn open quilts. I make the bed with the pieces left over and crawl inside of it. Having to curl up to be covered completely by the ripped quilts.

The bed is cozy, it’s warm. I lay for hours, the night crawling on and on, longer and longer as I just think of my entire day. Too much to recall to sleep, too much to go over to drift off. I wish I could write down the stops my train of thought kept making and riding passed before I forget any of it. From waking up to fuzzy bugs all the way to fighting pirates and then ending the night on a new note with Pan. A note of him possibly saving me, though he’s done it about four times today I’m nearly certain it’s all set up. There’s so much, too much to keep track of.

Did Pan plan every last event?

Did he make sure I had no weapon on the pirate ship so he could give me one when I needed it most?

Could he have really shown me how to fly just so he could catch me from falling to my death?

Or was it just so he could take it away and give it back whenever he says so?

Did he make sure to save me from the Mermaids to mess with my head?

Was the whole Slightly thing just abuse or did Pan set that up?

Why would he set up something so fucked?

Is it because I denied his help of flight after the Treasure Hunt?

Is he really that petty?

Would he really stoop so low?

When sleep did come, it was not welcomed.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Again, I’m flying. Over the mountains of Neverland I can see every valley and spring and forest that I saw earlier today. Still so vivid in my memory, I won’t ever forget my first flight over Neverland. I fly free, no Pan under me to keep me airborne, just me and my happiness. The sun is warm on my skin, I feel like I belong somewhere, finally. I couldn’t stop smiling even if I wanted to.

I fly the route that I was taken on today as it’s so fresh in my mind still. Over the Dark Forest that surrounds the hideout and onward to the valleys beyond. Over soft grasses and hidden lagoons. It’s just when I’m approaching the mountains furthest from it all, behind all the valleys, that the magically blue sky has a gray cloud growing. A mean looking storm that was so far away earlier, now in front of me. I can’t seem to stop advancing towards the gray storm forming in the mountains, seeping into the sky like ink in water. My faith dwindles. And as I’ve learned, doubt cannot be planted when flying. Just one shift, just one little second of uncertainty and I’m falling from the sky. The storm growing, casting nighttime and nightmares over the island.

I try, oh how hard I try, to stay lifted. Up and down I go as the belief comes and goes. Coming when I remember how the happy faith felt just a moment ago and going just a second after as I feel the fear of how I almost just fell. Until I’m crashing to the forest floor, somehow now underneath me, valley and mountains gone.

It’s dark. The trees are black. The rain is light but cold. I suddenly know exactly why I need to get up and run. So, I’m running through the forest under the dripping canopy that streams the smallest bits of moonlight every few feet. I’m sprinting through bushes, branches, shrubs. Getting nicked by thorns and scrapped by wood, tripping over roots and stumbling through plants but I can’t stop running. If I let him run faster than me, if I let him close the distance he’ll end my life, I know he will. Blood begins dripping off my neck, down my chest with the searing pain of them being created.

I breathe in rhythm as I sprint. Fresh painful woulds lay deep on the back of my neck and along the bottom of my skull. My temples also cut open, leaking out my crimson blood. It burns painfully but there is no time to stop and clean wounds. The wind yanks my hair behind me as I run my open vest flapping along with it. I push through bushes, and slap through water. My mud stained boots dig into the soil underneath me, kicking up dirt with each step that I push behind me, arms out to pull myself forward, anything to get away, to keep running, to go fast, go further. My legs feel like led, my lungs are burning for air. My body suddenly is exhausted and tired, I’m drained. My own weight is too heavy to go on anymore. I’m out of stream, I can’t run any longer. My breathing harsh and my blood pounding in my ears, I rear right, skidding in the dirt around a sharp turn of a cliff.

My legs skid under me making me hit the ground, palms first. I push myself back up to my feet before I can lose precious seconds. I’m running not much longer, but so much faster before I burst through thick bushes. I jump through thick, tall, green stacks of plant before realizing there is no floor on the other side. The bushes sit on the top of the steep hill I am now tumbling down. Big rocks dig into my back, they slam into my arms, into my legs as I yelp and grunt to each one in angry pain. My sides roll over the sharp jungle floor that cuts, ripping my skin. My head tucked into my chest, knees slamming into dirt, I try using my arms to shield my head.

Finally the earth decides to show mercy with a flattened clearing. Ramming hard into a stump stops my agonizing fall as it flips me over. The pain is tricky. It strikes my spine and bites my fresh bruises. With each second that ticks by the pain cuts my skin then disappears to the shock trying to take over, only the shock fails and the pain returns stronger and deeper to the bone. My lungs vibrate inside my chest as the wind has been knocked from me, stunning me on the floor momentarily.

Flat on my back I stare up at the dark forest, panting and coughing once my breath finds me again, my vision a blur. The world is tipsy. I shake my head, grabbing at it to try and stop the new headache that rolls pain down my body. I hear a holler in the darkness from up above. Beyond the hill I fell from. A deep call of a certain someone in search of the one that isn’t at his command. Fear pins my heart to my chest. Pure terror floods my veins and adrenaline pumps my cells to sit me up, ignoring the throbbing pain in all my bruised muscles that ache to relax. The hollering growing louder. He’s getting closer. I need more distance.

“You can not hide! You’re exposed everywhere you go!”

My eyes wide, the sweat beading my forehead with the dripping blood as his words successfully frighten me. With each word my nerves spike higher and leap in my skin. What if he’s right? What if I don’t away, if I physically can’t get away? How much actual pain and torture could he cause, how much worse can it be than what’s already been horribly done? Out of breath and shaking with fear I force myself to stand up. My eyes dart around for his figure, or a hiding spot, or a weapon, or better yet, someone who will help me. A twig snaps behind me just as I’m fully standing, wobbly and riddled with weakening pain. I spin round, whipping my wet hair out of my face. Darkness engulfs the trees that surround me. A black smoke coming in. Another twig snaps. It’s too quiet. The wind stopped, the trees gone quiet, even the rain is gone. I hold my breath, turning in a circle, searching in the dark smoke clouding in, closer and closer, erasing most of the forest from view.

“Why run?”

Two small words spoken in my ear. I jump, choking on a scream. My heart pounds, matching my rapid breath and I can barely see his silhouette in the dark. He’s right in front of me, standing tall and broad. Not a single breath missing, not tired, worn, or even breaking a sweat. I know that demonic smirk is plastered on his face. I gasp turning to run but two strong hands dig into my shoulders. I yelp as I’m yanked back and thrown to the floor. I trip on my feet. I am tired. I can’t fight anymore. Dirt finds its way into my skin, opening new cuts on my hands. A groan whining from me but I’m only trying to see straight, to find any relief in any of the many aching pains.

“I told you. You aren’t capable of hiding from me. You are not able to defend yourself,” he snatches me up and throws me at a tree, like a toy.

I hit the ground, gasping and crying out but I bite my lip immediately. I regret the sounds of pain. Each noise of fear and pain I make gives him pride. And if he’s going to kill me, he won’t have the satisfaction of breaking me. I won’t let him have it. Though it seems like he knows this and has made his own personal game of trying to snatch it from me anyway. And I know I can’t let him win. So though I’m shaking with fear and critical pain I’m channeling any strength left to hide it from him. I crawl away, suddenly dressed back in my white asylum clothes, Lost Boy attire gone.

“You’re helpless, weak, and worthless,” his hands grab my shirt at both shoulders and yanks me at himself. Then Pan introduces a new type of fear to the game when he says, “I ought to let the boys have at you,” and throws me once more on the floor roughly near the bushes that peak through the black smoke.

Exiting the bushes comes Slightly. His face evil and yearning for a certain type of pleasure. Slightly reaches for me with ghostly hands in the dark and I can’t help the shriek scratching from my throat. I’m crawling backwards, away from the bushes when from behind Slightly, more boys emerge from the shrubs, the same look on their faces, the same evil hands trying to grab me.

“Scared, little Jane. Pathetic girl on my island, why are you still living?” I hear Pan’s cold voice behind me.

Pan’s hands grab my shoulders again, pulling me swiftly and so fast I don’t feel my body being slammed into the ground until it’s already happened. I gasp for air as he drags me. He pulls me in the wet dirt. I panic and kick, clawing at his hands.

“No! Let me go! Let go!” I thrash and pull away, trying so hard to get on my feet but he’s stronger, hes always so much stronger.

He yanks me hard making me cry out again and shoves me in front of him. I have no control over where my feet land and where my body is being sent, I can’t stop him from shoving me into a small cage that sits in the dirt.

“No, please! No, no, no! Let me go!” I fight him but his fist connects with my chin and I’m sent flying back against the wooden bars.

I’m jammed into the cage as he tries slamming the door shut, but I jump forward to grab the bars. I push on the door with everything left in me. I’m just barely stopping it from closing all the way but it’s really just him dragging it out. A mean smirk on his face, like he enjoys watching me try so hard for something he can so easily end with an effortless thrust of his arms. My teeth chatter with panic, I don’t want to die. If the door shuts and the click rings out, indicating it’s locked, all hope is lost. The door cannot close. I cannot die locked up.

“Pan, please! Please, don’t do this! Don’t lock me in-”

“If you want out so badly, get it done yourself,” he says harshly. “But we both know you’re too weak to fight for your fate. You’ll stay locked in here until you’re dead.” He spits.

“No,” I whimper, still pushing the door.

He leans in so our faces are close, having complete control of the indecisive door..

“Yes.” is his last word.

Then his arms thrust forward, forcing the door shut all the way. A satisfying click rings out in the exact moment the dark scene is snatched away.

- - -

“Jane! Open the door!”

What?

My eyes open to a yellow blur. I squint, making sense of the ceiling above me. There’s hard pounding at the door. My heart seems to have the same speed as it did in the dream and it’s making my body shiver and shake through a rapid pulse. My brow is damp and so is my back and neck. I breathe out, convincing myself that it was only a dream and I’m not in danger right now, I’m not locked away and I’m allowed to be alive..for the time being.

“Jane!” the door handle quivers roughly, “Open up!”

I shake my head, wiping my cheeks of tears and brow of sweat before swinging my feet over the bed. I fall to the door with sleep swimming behind my eyes and shuffle with the lock before swinging it open. K stands outside my door. His shirt is sweaty, and wet around the collar. His face is red like he’s been running for a while and his eyes are wide with concern. One hand placed on the door frame.

“Are you okay? What’s going on in here?” he speaks rushed and steps to look inside my room. I back up, to let him have a look but my distracted eyes drift to the door.

“I didn’t lock it...” I whisper.

“What?” he urges.

“I-I, I’m not sure,” I touch the back of my neck, looking down and biting my lip.

“Are you alright?”

I nod my head quickly, “Fine. I’m fine. Sorry-I-it, I don’t...”

“What happened? You were screaming, like you were being murdered, what did you do?” he steps inside now.

I back up again, I grab at my hair. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-I mean, I’m sorry I woke you,” I say, still trying to calm my heart. I move around him to look down the hall, hoping I didn’t wake any others.

“What happened?” he asks me from inside my room.

“Did I wake anyone else?” I ask as I finish scoping the hall.

A door four down opens up and on instinct I jump back inside my room, bumping into K but I don’t care. I close the door, feeling fear bubble up again in my chest and turn straight into hyperventilating. K looks at me oddly. My wide eyes meet his and he goes to place his hands on my shoulders but pulls back himself when I glitch away.

“Jane. Breathe.” he says, trying to gain my focus.

I hold his stare and obey, inhaling deeply, then exhaling. It works as I feel the prickles of panic begin to disappear.

“I-It was-uh, just a nightmare. I didn’t mean to wake you, I-”

“You already said that,” he smiles.

I breathe out harshly, “Did I wake anyone else?”

“Calm down, would you?” he widens his smile. “I was up training, you didn’t wake me.”

I listen to him again and I breathe deeply through my nose. He waits patiently for me to find my relax as I’m replaying the convincing in my head;

I’m not in danger I’m allowed to be alive right now. There’s a door right there, I’m not locked up.

It’s alright. I’m fine.

“Nightmares are common here. What was it?” he asks me.

I shake my head. “I shouldn’t have woke you, I’m alright, really,” I go to open the door but he backs away from it.

“What was it?”

He stares at me with a soft look like he knows what I fear, like he has the same fears. He seems to drop some sort of wall and some how I know it’s something I’ve forgotten how to do. I can feel himself letting any restraint go and opening up to be vulnerable. Even more so, he is daring me to join him. His arms open up to me, challenging me to be as vulnerable as he is, to share any fear, to allow any comfort.

And then, I can’t stop my feet walking to him or my arms opening for him, I don’t want to stop them. I reach over his head and embrace him in a deep hug. I’m stiff at the foreign contact but then it’s just too easy to relax into him. He feels really warm and he smells like damp forest.

For a moment, I’m not in Neverland. I’m in a different place, a place I haven’t been to in so long or might’ve even forgotten it existed. It’s a warm place, a place I don’t think I want to ever leave. He holds me in this hug until I feel ready to pull away and when I do, it’s nothing but comfortable silence as I walk to the bed. I lead him, somehow knowing he won’t move unless I move him in my room. My eyes glaze over to my torn blankets thrown on the floor again, and the lamp that was once on my night stand beside them.

I clear my throat and sit with him on my bed, “I, I don’t want to remember...”

“We all get nightmares,” he tells me.

I exhale, “There was, I mean... it was too dark,”

He waits.

“It was Pan. What do you think happened?” I say harsher than I meant. I drop my head, exhaling.

“Even more common. It was a dream. It wasn’t real.” he assures me.

I look at him. I find a want inside of me to scoot closer to him, so I do. He doesn’t flinch or stiffen or feel uncomfortable in any way so I relax even more by resting my head on his shoulder. Such new contact and an experience I’ve never had before, it warms my insides. As if some normality finally found me.

“He is real, K, and he’s in the next room,”

K stays quiet for a moment, “What did he do?” he asks finally.

“What he always does. Brings fear, plays mind games on a power high. Makes it impossible to feel any sort of strength, then expects my soul in return,” I spit.

“We know a different guy,” he defends the master of my nightmares.

“He hurts, K,” I say, knowing he can’t deny that.

It’s quiet for a long time as the night creeps on. I begin to feel my eyes drifting close with a heavy sleep. No longer wishing to remain in the pity party, I get up and walk to the head of the bed. I crawl inside of my torn sheets and get comfortable. I want to ask him to continue the contact. A concept so odd to me, I can’t find how to do it.

Just ask.

I bite my lip, searching so hard for the words to say.

Just do it.

I inhale, feeling dizzy from such an unknown request.

Say it. Just say it.

I open my mouth to speak, but my tongue goes dry.

Just say it!

“You don’t have to leave,” I finally spit out.

He looks at me from the edge of the bed, “Jane. Pan, um, wouldn’t, I mean there’s a, type of...”

I stare at him, understanding that of course Pan still has control, but also so saddened by his rejection of my plead for more comfort. A plead that was so, so hard to put out there. It’s only more anger towards Pan. As if he thinks he has some sick claim over me that stops any type of comfort I might find in his camp.

“Right,” I barely whisper and turn the other way.

Try one more time.

I hear him get up off the bed.

Just one more time.

“K,” I stop him.

“Yeah?”

“...I won’t tell, if you don’t,”

I hear him exhale and I know I did it, I took control back.

He crawls onto the mattress with me, beside me. Such contact as laying with someone is an entire mystery to me, something I’ve never ever felt before. Never have I ever felt such closeness with any person. The asylum was too hectic to get cozy with the girls and before that my life was too...unstable to bask in boys’ arms. Something inside of me tells me to be afraid, but it’s not loud enough. The yearn for comfort is so much louder. K doesn’t get into the covers with me, he lays on top of the messed up blankets, on the edge of the bed. I turn to face him, testing my own waters. Seeing what feels like too much, and what is not enough. He seems so calm, as if he could fall asleep at any second. It assures my decision to ask him to stay with me. He isn’t the slightest bit interested in doing anything that would be at me. He is only here because it’s what I want, what I asked for. And if he is so calm and collected sharing a bed with me, than I can be to. It only assures me even more when he lets me curl on him as I please, not moving a single inch unless I do it for him. He doesn’t make any move to get closer to me, only lets me get as close I feel comfortable with. It’s nearly perfect.

“Thanks, K,” I whisper to him. “Goodnight,” he whispers back.

I wipe my cheek of the small tear left over from the nightmare. I feel my smile and get even cozier against his chest. I nudge his arm with my shoulder so he knows he can close the cuddle. He obeys and wraps his arm around me when I settle. I’ve never felt so comforted. It’s ecstasy. He is so warm. He doesn’t smell bad but of moss and wet wood. I find the label for the place I’ve never been to. It’s safety. For the first time, in a very, very long, I feel completely safe. Nothing else but safeness, not even stress. No fear, no anxiousness. I’m safe in this bed, beside my friend. I close my eyes and remain lying with my friend until sleep engulfs us both.

I should’ve known Pan would destroy the only comfort, the only safety I had. For the next morning, K was taken away by Pan’s orders. All because I had a bad dream.

[eldritch-araneae]

I need a boost of dopamine and motivation, so here’s a little part of the next Sparkpulse chapter I’m currently working on~

 <<<>>>

The vast ocean of emptiness stretches as far as Windblade can see. It’s oddly peaceful, a familiar set up for her lucid dreams. A comforting loneliness fills her sensors, but deep downs she wants more.

Naturally responding to her desires the scene changes. The city state of Vos forms around her in its former glory. Busy cybertronians rushing on the streets. She knows every street, every corner, every building.

“But how this can be?” as says out of loud as the nostalgic feeling are puzzling her. “I never lived here and Vos was brought to ruins way before my forging. ” Her mind drifted to her place of origin - Abyssalpelagic Hotspot of Caminus, consumed by the energon flame.

Windblade shudders as dread and anxiety fills her spark. Since that battle near The Spire this terrible memory resurfaces upon slightest provocation. Not wanting to dwell any longer, she forces the unpleasant thoughts away to continue exploring the familiar city.

As if guided by the mysterious force she arrived to the Jewel of Vos - the amphitheatre and the heart of the city where the most significant events were traditionally held. But as Windblade walks closer, the scene changes again. Now the impenetrable forest shrouds the area around her, branches stretching far into the sky. Gigantic trees prevent the light even reaching the ground.

A home of the force of nature.

A home of a deity.

A home of someone she cares about.

The World Tree of Nightsong Forest. Since she saw it in Bumblebee’s dream, the tree keeps showing up in her own dreams. And each appearance reveals something new to her.

Windblade gasps of surprise as she notices a blue glitchy figure standing behind her. It’s impossible to identify them, but she feels there some sort of connection. Farther in the back she sees another figure. Like the blue figure, they’re also shrouded in the glitchy veil, but the color of this one is green. Both figures look at her with a certain expectation - to bear a promise from one lifetime into another. The torch been passed to her from the moment she emerged from her burning flower pod.

Before she could say anything, someone called her name.

Or it’s blue figure’s name?

Or green?

It sounds like all their names at same time, but she’s know it’s hers. She’s drawn to the tree, wanting to answer the call. And soon she sees her amica standing among the lush vegetation, waiting for her.

“Bee?” she calls out to him. He waves, giving her a warm smile. She quickly realizes this Bumblebee is part of her own mind. A memory of him that stored in her processor. Usually, he looks the same as in waking world, but right now he has this bizarre mutated look she saw when they explored his dream last time.

Standing next to him, she sees he’s taller now. Bumblebee’s long neck arches, lowering his head to face her. His six optics giving her a comforting glow. Windblade is captivated by his changing appearance. The large antlers that growing bigger every time she sees him in the dream. The body is getting longer, and his arms are slipping into a new set of limbs. It should terrify her… but it doest. As if she’s peaking deeper into the great known, comprehending something that no mortal should understand.

Windblade reaches to gently touch his face. Bumblebee rests his cheek in her palm and closes his optics, showing content. Despite the changes, she can tell it’s still him. She cares the cheek with her thumb, causing him melt into her touch further. Then she noticed an intriguing detail.

“Those markings!” she gasps as he looks at the red lines under his optics. “They almost like mine, but a bit different. Like indicating a different Cityformer. Is it my imagination?”

“No.” The memory of Bumblebee replies as he looks into her optics. ”You saw them before in several dreams earlier. But they were faint, barely visible. You were about to note this change, but then you got distracted and forgot about it.”

She nods. Naturally, the memory knows. Its her own mind talks to her after all. It’s the way how cybertronians stores the memory of their loved ones, so the grief won’t consume them when death will inevitably take them away. Eternal life is both blessing and the curse.

This why Windblade wants to restore Bumblebee’s memory. The way he remembers Lightbright is only fueled by guilt, corrupting the memory of her into a monster that only exist to hurt him. Her spark aches, it shouldn’t be this way. Even though after the battle near the Spire she’s not feeling emotionally well. The event triggered unpleasant memories and distracts her from her goal.

“You should talk to him.” The memory says.” Bumblebee feels your emotions bubbling in depths of your spark. He asked you many times if you’re okay.”

“I know, but he has his own problems to deal with.” She glances away, feeling almost embarrassed. “I don’t want to burden him with my issues on top.”

“You know more than anyone that suffering in silence doesn’t help anyone. It will upset him if he knows you’ve been bottling up your emotions for his sake. And probably will blame himself for that.” He says in the matter-o-fact tone. “The support must go both ways. Let him take care of you.”

“I… well, you’re right.” She sighs with a smile and nods. Real Bumblebee would say the same thing.

<<<>>>

[release-the-mccracken]

Berquinn Playlist

Bert: Quinn ended up giving me a ride up to my parents' house. It was a beautiful night. I remember the moon was out and there was something different about this person that I'd met and I knew that we were going to write beautifully together.

I take your hand, lead you out to the street. To tell you that your golden hair and pale blue eyelids make me feel like I might go wild. Cheetah print makes me a liar. So I tell you I just like you for your smile.

Every time we lie awake, after every hit we take. Every feeling that I get, but I haven't missed you yet. Only when I stop to think about it, I hate everything about you. Why do I love you?

I promise it will be the last time, that I do all the things that I said that I wouldn't do last night. Then I lose my shit and I slam the door. And I ask myself, "what'd I do that for?" I wanna cause a scene just to feel alive. Maybe I'm only mean 'cause I know you're mine.

You got so down I couldn't get high. You make it harder and harder for me to know who I am, so this time I gotta hear it if you give a goddamn. Your violence feels like kisses to me. Your silence makes it harder to breathe.

You promise me Heaven, then put me through hell. Chains of love got a hold on me. When passion's a prison, you can't break free. Oh, you're a loaded gun.

Got a girl with California eyes and I thought that she could really be the one this time. But I never got the chance to make her mine because she fell in love with little thin white lines.

I'm afraid of all I am, my mind feels like a foreign land. I've spent all of the love I saved. We were always a losing game. Small town boy in a big arcade, I got addicted to a losing game.

Come to me in the night hours. I will wait for you and I can't sleep 'cause thoughts devour. Thoughts of you consume. I can't help but love you, even though I try not to.

The past few months were pretty rough, a couple times wished we both were dead. I never cried like that before. I thought my eyes would pop out of my head. Not just preparing for nightmares, but nothing feels alright now. The length of my hair or the fit of my clothes. And crying like a baby solved nothing.

This is the last time you say, after the last line you break. You say it helps you write your rhymes, whatever helps you sleep at night. You say that you love me. You won't remember in the morning. I'm not gonna stay and watch you circle the drain.

And I ain't seen a light of day since, well, that's not important. It's been long. And I was feeling Whitney, me and my homies sip Houston. Cars and clothes, thought I was winning. You knew I was losing. You told me to wake up, but my clock always stays on snooze.

And I can't see you here, wondering where am I. It sort of feels like I'm running out of time. I haven't found all I was hoping to find. You said you gotta be up in the morning, gonna have an early night. And you're starting to bore me, baby. Why'd you only call me when you're high?

You missed a lesson on looking out for yourself, may not be on the up and up, but I'm on the up and out. So take me to the far side of the beach before it falls into the ocean, before you notice I'm eroding.

Can't walk into my closet without seeing your face. 'Cause all my favorite t-shirts are all your favorite band names. You put me in a Heart-Shaped Box, now you only ever call me when you're high. You know you ruined Nevermind. Now, every song's about you in my mind. But the worst thing that you ever did? You ruined Nirvana. And I can't forgive you for that.

I ain't seen the sunshine in three damn days. Been fueling up on cocaine and whisky. I wish I had a good girl to miss me. Lord, I wonder if I'll ever change my ways. Since you've been gone, my world's been dark and grey. You reminded me of brighter days. I hoped you were coming home to stay.

Never made the wind blow, never made a heart grow. Never made a dove take flight. Never made the sun rise, still can't get my heart right. Only ever made mistakes. So I can see the sunshine, breaking through the skyline. I can feel the warmth it brings, I can't help but stop and think.

Quinn: We made a tape and I remember driving around day and night listening to that tape. And just driving up into the mountains.

[bb-editing]

ROXANA (Chapter 28)

*E/N: Sorry for the wait!

–––

My God, today really is a shitty day.

Roxana nearly laughed out loud- I felt this meeting to be ridiculously awkward. Father, on the other hand, seemed to utter every word as if it were gospel. Why is he taking this so seriously?

I finally replied. “When I was young, you didn’t seem to think so.”

Father clucked his tongue in response. “Ah, that. That was before Asil died, right? I’m glad his death prevented you from continuing to be as useless as him.”

He continued. “It’s good that we got rid of him. He was a bad influence on you.”

I stared at him silently, calculating my next words with care. “I’m glad, too. My time with Asil seems like a long distant memory now, and honestly, it’s not a name you need to dirty your mouth with again. My mother and I are ashamed enough that you ever saw that side of us.” I smiled.

Father obviously couldn’t tell how disingenuous I was being. Forcing his children to master the art of deception really was a double-edged sword.

“I’m truly glad that you think I resemble you,” I said, bowing slightly.

He tilted his glass toward me in acknowledgement, grinning once again.

* * *

“You may leave.”

“Yes, Miss Roxana,” Emily said.

I consumed my daily dose of Emily’s poison tea after returning to my room, calling upon two butterflies after I’d dismissed her.

Somehow, I was more tired than usual today; though I wanted nothing more than to lie down in bed and sleep away the endless day, I knew I had no choice but to work.

I raised my hand for the butterflies to make contact with and form a mental connection to me. Visions of the Western border and its surrounding dark forest entered my mind. The red moon. The screeches of crows. Blood-soaked blades, and corpses everywhere.

Then, a black-haired man standing in the midst of all the chaos.

I sat up in surprise; the butterfly flew away, severing the connection and cutting off the visions. However, I didn’t need to see more. I already knew.

Dion Agriche, Father’s most beloved child…

He had returned.

* * *

I had been on edge since morning. There was a time delay since the butterfly saw Dion at the border, so I could expect to see Dion in the Agriche mansion within the next few days.  

The vision of Dion standing over the carnage was etched into my mind, and it entered my conscious thoughts abundantly and impulsively through the day. It made me want to throw up.

The people he’d killed were likely Pedelian soldiers dispatched to locate Cassis. Shit. Was Father the one who ordered Dion to patrol the border for Pedelian intruders?

“If you have something to say, just say it.”

It seemed my troubling thoughts had slipped past my nonchalant façade, and Cassis had picked up on them. However, he remained cool and calm as usual.

“Cassis…” I blurted, before quickly shutting my mouth. … No, I shouldn’t tell him just yet. I shouldn’t give him the idea that rescuing him is impossible.

“… Get better quickly.”

Cassis studied me with suspicious eyes, but let me leave the room without further questions.

* * *

I had just finished feeding the butterfly egg when I saw a dark cloud forming in the morning sky. Before I had walked another couple of steps forward, I began to feel soft rain drizzling onto me.

If Emily were with me, she would have prepared with umbrella and prevented me from getting wet. But I was alone in the garden, immersed in the smell of poisonous plants, now more pungent thanks to the rain.

My mind had been frazzled these past few days in the wake of Dion’s impending return, and I made a beeline for my room to freshen up before visiting Cassis.

Suddenly, I felt a presence behind me and turned around.

The smell of blood, grass, and rain entered my nostrils. The figure towered over me, piercing me with his cold eyes.

“Dion.”

I almost stepped back instinctively, but he reached out to grab my wrist. The feeling of his cold skin against mine inadvertently made me flinch, and his low voice made my ears tremble.

“Why are you hurt?”

[one-abuse-survivor]

Hi, it’s Emma! It’s been a long time since I last reached out. I took some time away (like two months) because it was the first anniversary since the attack and I took it harder than I had hoped. It’s been a little over a year now, I wasn’t on tumblr during the anniversary, but I’m feeling so frustrated because it’s been a year since the attack, and two years since the harassment started and I have nothing to show for it. Nothing. I’m looking back on everything and I can’t believe that I haven’t slept in a bed for over a year. I keep thinking that’s so ridiculous. The bed didn’t hurt me, the bed played no role in my attack, you’d assume I’d be scared to see or be around a knife but nope, I helped my mom cook dinner for my dad’s birthday last week, I had to cut an onion and had no anxieties about seeing or using a knife and a knife is what actually harmed me, that’s what could have killed me. My brother was cutting a green pepper and accidentally nicked his finger with the knife causing it to bleed a little and I got him a bandaid and when I saw the blood, no reaction. You’d think maybe even the sight of blood would trigger me or take me back there but no, it’s sleeping anywhere that provides any level of comfort (bed, couch, cot, blow up mattress, etc). Maybe my expectations are too high but I’m so frustrated with myself. Like I just really miss my bed and I’m sooo angry because it feels like nothing that I am doing is moving me towards sleeping in it.

Someone told me I need to just force myself to sleep in a bed but I don’t think they truly get how much they trigger flashbacks to what happened. I’ve tried multiple times in the last year to at least nap in a bed and each time I either never fell asleep because my body just wouldn’t let me or if I did, I would wake up 10 mins later having a panic attack. The last time I tried was a few months ago, before the anniversary, and that attempt was so bad, that I woke up in a panic and puked. I haven’t tried since then. I wake up at least five times throughout the night when sleeping on the floor because some body part of mine is aching because of the floor. I just feel like I’m in a lose-lose situation.

S/n: in an earlier response I mentioned how my dad would call me every night to tell me about work, specifically different neurosurgeries he conducted that day or consultations he had, etc. and I thought it was his way of trying to check up on me without me knowing and you mentioned thinking that it could also possibly be a distraction for him and me. I talked to him and you were right. You mentioned how sometimes people that care about us, want us to be okay but don’t know how to make that happen or don’t know how to talk about feelings, they turn to soothing you in ways that would soothe them if they were the ones struggling. All of that you said was right. More or less my dad basically said that to me, he figured my mom was already consuming the conversation enough about my attack so he’d change the convo when it’s just me and him speaking. And my dad is very book smart so it’s right in line with him to talk about work and use that as a distraction. Thank you for that again.

Hi Emma!! I'm really sorry for the late reply, but really happy to hear from you again!

I'm really sorry things are still looking so tough for you. It's no wonder you're frustrated; you have every right to be. This situation is so fucking unfair. You never deserved any of this. You never asked for any of this. You were trying to live your life and other people decided to ruin it and even attempt to end it, and now your own body keeps betraying you and stopping you from living your life. That's not okay, and I think you deserve to feel furious for as long as you need to. Hopefully one day you will feel like you have something to show for the recovery process you've been through, but it's okay to not be there yet and to not know when you'll get there.

I hope that you can at least channel some of your anger away from yourself and toward the men who did this to you, especially the one who attacked you. I know you already know this, but your body is trying really hard to protect you from experiencing horrifying trauma again, even if its attempts are misguided, unnecessary, and really frustrating. If you can, please try to give it at least a little bit of compassion for every wave of frustration you throw its way.

And of course you can't just force yourself to sleep on a bed. Trauma recovery is not that easy, and it's honestly really invalidating to tell an assault survivor something like that, even if the intention is good. It makes it sound like you're just not trying hard enough, and you deserve better than to be told something like that.

I'm glad I could help you with your dad, and that's great you could talk to him about it!

Sending big, big hugs your way, Emma ❤️

[feelingdeath]

Him

It's amazing how the world is so full of life and how you are in mine now. I am ebbing with feelings and this is so different than anything I have ever felt before.

Something changed yesterday, something inside of me. Something to do with the way I feel. I think I am in love. And yes I know I have said that before but that was my weaker side. The side that opened up and the side that felt too much and the side that formed attachments. This side was supposed to be the stone-cold wall I had built all around me to prevent getting hurt. To prevent having any feelings and emotions. It made me feel like I was strong by merely moving on.

But now my rock heart is in love. My fucking soul of granite actually feels for someone. I have never felt so nervous in my life before. It's so consuming. I love him differently than I loved him yesterday. I trust him? I feel so different. I would never tell morphi that noshu loves him, heh, I m scared you'll leave once you find out I can be hurt. I am at a loss for words.

I feel like that massive void I carried around with me since the beginning of time has now been filled. He made his home in me, he brought his blankets and his music and his scent and he snuggled inside that emptiness. For the first time in my life, I feel loved. I feel loved without condition, without prologues and epilogue, without the ifs and buts, without the constant uncertainty shudders, without the ghost of his past or heck the ghost of my past lurking on our heads, without the fear of breaking into a billion shards, without the feeling of being judged, without the million insecurities and trust issues that I seem to manifest in a vivid aura around me. You made my scars fade love, you make them look pretty, you make me feel so fucking loved.

Along with all the goodness and with all the glam of experiencing love comes pain (of course there's a pain). The urge to text him a million times to ask him if he still loves me. The urge to blockade everyone and everything that could possibly make him drift from me. The urge to give up everything and anything just for his happiness. The urge to never ever let him feel lonely even if that means spending all my time as long as I breathe for him, by him. The urge of thinking about every consequence of my actions that could affect our relationship. The urge to sob uncontrollably in his arms. The urge to break down right now, to break down, to break down and to break down.

He is asleep, I know he is sleeping, yet I feel skittish and panicky. What if he's avoiding me and is offline because he doesn't love me anymore? Since when have I become so terrified of lingering silences? I get how he feels now. Sheyu !! I get how you feel. When you told me you were scared I'll wake up tomorrow and fall out of love, I thought I was going wrong somewhere and I needed to make you feel loved better, but this is love meri jaan. I get it now, I see it. I feel so painfully petrified at the prospect of you plunging out of passion. I am scared that my overthinking and my doubting nature are going to leave you exhausted by the number of times I'll need reassurance that you love me and that you are mine. I'll learn to be better.

I think the tugging at my heart is also fueled by the fact that I do sometimes get really low, I end up saying things I don't mean, and I end up hurting everyone in my vicinity. The fact that the could-be-bpd splits of me could jeopardize us, disturbs me. I resort to the most subtle self-harm and isolation and self-depreciation to let it out of my system. But I know how bad that makes you feel. I have seen the terror in your eyes and in your voice when you ask me how bad it was this time, how badly I hurt myself. I never ever want to make you feel that way. I'll stop doing it for you. At least I'll try.

I love you. Saying "I love you" hits totally different now. I have said it 9 times since the morning, but you haven't seen it yet. We did stay up last night talking about our future till 2:30 AM and giggling about yellow walls. I love you. Fuck. You are my first love. [ⁱ ᵏⁿᵒʷ ᵃ ᵖᵃʳᵗ ᵒᶠ ᵐᵉ ˡᵒᵛᵉᵈ ᵈ ᵗᵒᵒ, ⁴ ʸᵉᵃʳˢ ⁴ ᵐᵒⁿᵗʰˢ ᵃᵍᵒ. ᵇᵘᵗ ʰᵃˡᶠ ᵒᶠ ᵐᵉ ᵈⁱᵉᵈ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᵈᵃʸ ʷʰᵉⁿ ʰᵉ ᵈⁱᵈⁿ'ᵗ ᶠᵉᵉˡ ⁱᵗ ᵇᵃᶜᵏ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵗʰᵉ ᵒᵗʰᵉʳ ʰᵃˡᶠ ᵒᶠ ᵐᵉ ᵈⁱᵉᵈ ¹ ʸᵉᵃʳ, ⁸ᵐᵒⁿᵗʰˢ ᵃᵍᵒ ʷʰᵉⁿ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵗʰⁱⁿᵍ ʰᵃᵖᵖᵉⁿᵉᵈ. ⁱ ᶜᵒᵘˡᵈⁿ'ᵗ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵐᵃᵏᵉˢ ᵃ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿ ʷʰᵒ ʰᵉ ⁱˢ, ᵇᵘᵗ ᶠʳᵒᵐ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ᵖᵒⁱⁿᵗ ᵒⁿ ᵐʸ ʷʰᵒˡᵉ ᵖᵃˢᵗ ˢⁱᵐᵖˡʸ ᵐᵃⁿⁱᶠᵉˢᵗᵉᵈ ⁱⁿᵗᵒ ᵃ ˢᵐᵃˡˡ ᶜᵒʳⁿᵉʳ ᵒᶠ ᵐʸ ᵇʳᵃⁱⁿ ⁱ ˡⁱᵏᵉ ᵗᵒ ᶜᵃˡˡ ˡᵒʷⁿᵒˢʰ ᵃⁿᵈ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸᵗⁱᵐᵉ ⁱᵗ ᶜᵒᵐᵉˢ ᵘᵖ, ᵃⁿ ⁱʳʳᵉᵖᵃʳᵃᵇˡᵉ ᵘⁿʳᵉᶠᵘᵗᵉᵃᵇˡᵉ ᵖᵃⁱⁿ ᵗᵃᵏᵉˢ ᵒᵛᵉʳ ʷʰⁱᶜʰ ⁿᵘᵐᵇˢ ᵒⁿˡʸ ᵒⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵗᵒᵘᶜʰ]. It's alright if i am not yours, but fuck sheyu, you are nosh's first love. Love. the L-O-V-E kind. fuck. fuck.

Fuck I love you so much.

[ippu81]

Another One shot of mine.

Elena Salvatore sat at her desk, took out a pen, and opened her diary. She started to write. "Dear diary, today is our wedding day and I have just the perfect present for Damon. I never thought I could be this happy, my life is perfect right now. Everything is fine, we are doing well, and now this."  She thought for a moment and then put her diary away. She would continue this perhaps in the evening when she could tell it all and describe it as accurately as she could.

Elena was happy. Today would be her five-year wedding anniversary with Damon and Damon had promised to take her out to dinner. She had been told it was her day off and she would soon have her medical license. No doubt her studies had put their relationship to the test and Damon had had to adjust to being human and all and then there was the news that Klaus and Elijah had died. Everything changed.

And when there weren't really any original vampires left except Rebekah and Kol, both happily married and domesticated. Damon missed his brother almost every day, Elena saw it and she missed him too. She would have loved to tell Stefan about everything she went through in her studies. Damon spent quite a lot of time with Alaric, at least when he was on leave and not acting as headmaster. But Damon didn't regret letting his house become a school. Together they had bought their own house and put it in order, lived a daily life, and still their love lasted and endured. Elena sighed, thinking how much they had been through and this was their journey together, their wonderful life together. Damon hadn't been tame since he became human, not at all, but he was beginning to adjust. Freya had given him the magic potion and because of it Damon wasn't aging quickly but would age with her. They would grow old together.

Elena had just been told that she was expecting their first children, and she was so damn happy about it. But she wasn't going to tell Damon until dinner. It would be her wedding present to Damon and she wanted to see the look on his face when he revealed it. She was already 10 weeks pregnant and even though they still had time, Elena was already thinking about decorating the nursery or naming the children.  The door opened and Damon stepped in. He came up to Elena and kissed her passionately and then said " How about it my love if we do a little shopping here before tonight?  And eat at the grill?" Elena said, " That's fine, let me just get my purse and we'll be on our way."  They drove off and Elena got in as Damon jumped behind the wheel.  Life in mystic falls was peaceful for the most part, except now there started to be a couple of gangs that were a bit troublesome so Matt Donovan had to work. and with the gangs came gang wars, turf wars and there was violence of all sorts. When there weren't so many vampires anymore, somebody else took their place.

They drove into town and Damon parked the car.  He looked at Elena and said "You know what, I don't regret being human, not one single moment, because I get to be with you. Do you know how awful it was, waking up as a human, hearing that Stefan sacrificed himself, and then the knowledge that I might have to live the rest of my life without you if Bonnie hadn't broken that spell? That, my love, was a terrible time. And then when you woke up I felt as if my heart had started beating and really started beating. I may not always remember to tell you how much I love you, Elena Salvatore."  Elena looked at Damon and said "I can't imagine it, not even at first. I wouldn't have survived, as you remember, I resorted to mesmerism and herbs when I had to face the world without you. I love you so much too and you Damon, you have given me everything I wanted, you have given me a love that consumes me, passion, adventure, and even a little danger, just like you told me yourself.  You are my everything." 

They started walking along the streets, looking for shops, looking at shop windows. Damon stopped at a jewelry shop and looked at the different pendants, Elena was under his arm and he decided to go and buy one. They went into the shop and Damon bought a lovely heart pendant, one that opened and where he could get a picture inside. On one side would be Damon's picture and he knew that on the other side would be their child's picture.  They left the shop and went on their way. There were gang members ahead again and Damon was alert, Elena was still loving Damon's protection. He didn't even ask questions, he was, in his own words, selfish and wanted to keep Elena all to himself. Damon was a little ahead of her now and Elena let him protect her. These street gangs had come to their town and they were up to no good at times that at least in the sheriff's jail there was one or more of these guys quite often.

They were passing a gang when a car rounded the corner and Damon saw an open window and a gun. He lunged and grabbed Elena, knocking her to the ground as the shooting started. Elena screamed and Damon protected her with his own body. The car swerved away at high speed. Damon suddenly felt very tired and it was hard to breathe, he was in pain. Elena moved beneath him and said, " No, no, Damon, no."

Elena flinched as Damon slammed her to the ground and then at the same time she heard a gun go off, a machine gun or something, the car swerved away and Damon didn't move, Elena felt something warm soak into her blouse and Damon coughed weakly. Elena realized Damon had been hit. She feverishly fought her way out from under Damon, spun him around, and noticed blood gushing from Damon's mouth as he coughed.

Elena's shoulder ached and she realized that a bullet had come straight through Damon and sunk into her shoulder. She tried to apply pressure to one of the bullet wounds, which was bleeding and bleeding hard. Elna screamed, " Help, somebody, come help, call an ambulance." Elena said to Damon " You hang in there, you hear me, you fight and you don't leave me now. " Damon coughed weakly and Elena was still applying pressure to the wound.

Damon said in a weak voice. " At least I saved you, you see, I wasn't selfish, I'm learning." Elena's eyes were wet and she was in shock herself. Damon stopped talking and his eyes looked into the distance and glazed over, Elena tried to feel for a pulse and couldn't find one. No breathing. Elena started CPR and urged Damon to wake up again and again. She said, " No no, you're not doing this, I didn't have time to tell you that I was going to have a baby, you're not leaving me, you hear me, you're not leaving me, I'm not going to let you leave."  Determined arms came around Elena, an ambulance rushed to the scene and paramedics came to check the situation.

Matt Donovan directed Elena to another ambulance where her shoulder was bandaged and she would be taken to the hospital for tests. Matt had overheard Elena's confession about being pregnant and watched in sorrow as the paramedics shook their heads and a sheet was pulled over Damon Salvatore. He sighed and knew he'd hardly ever find out who the shooters were, there were no CCTV cameras and the gang members wouldn't talk to him. Elena was in shock and Matt called Caroline and Bonnie and told them what had happened. Caroline said she was going to the hospital to see Elena.

It was the day of the funeral and Elena was sighing. She opened the diary, took out a pen, and then, in a rage, slammed the diary against the wall. What good would that do? She lost Damon and she was pregnant, with twins.  Bonnie had come and was there for her as were Caroline, Matt, and the rest of her friends. Even Rebekah and Kol had both sent a basket and an address. Elena didn't know how to go on, but she should. Then one day maybe she would meet Damon again or she would find someone else.

Bonnie came in with " Come on it's time to go. " Elena stood up and straightened her dress. She walked to the car and Bonnie drove to the cemetery.  Elena didn't remember much about the funeral, she just felt a gnawing emptiness and pain inside her. The priest said something and she watched as the coffin was placed in the grave, maybe one day she would be buried here too. But she knew she had to keep going for the sake of their children. Children who would never meet their father and it would be up to her to tell them how perfectly imperfect Damon had been.

Footsteps creaked in the familiar driveway and Damon walked toward his home.  He didn't even think about what had happened or anything else. He approached the front door, pausing there for a moment. The door opened, and there was Stefan. Damon said, "Hello, brother." Stefan took a few steps and they hugged, and now everything was fine. Damon Salvatore was at peace.

[bea-hemmings]

5 Years Later

5 Years Later || Bucky Barnes

Warnings: Smut

Summary: Your first time with Bucky after he returns from the blip is very emotional.

5 years without him. 5 years with no hugs, no kisses, no love, no contact. Thinking he was dead and gone and never coming back. There wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t think of him. Every morning I woke up dreading the day ahead, knowing it was still another day without Bucky. The man who had held me close whenever things were terrible. The man who bought me flowers randomly, just because he wanted to see me smile. The man who whispered the dirtiest things to me while ruining my body, just to watch my reactions.

It had been 5 years since he disappeared right in front of me, but finally, Bucky was back. After the battle, and still not processing that he was truly home, we had made it back to my apartment complex. He had his arm wrapped tightly around my waist, keeping me pressed against his side. Walking into the elevator, I hit the button for my floor and turned to face my love. He was already gazing down at me as I met his sight. I grabbed his face in an instant, pulling him down to mine. Kissing him hard and fast, heads practically slamming together as my need to be close to him was all-consuming. He leaned down, grabbing the backs of my thighs, squeezing them as he picked me up, wrapping my legs around his waist. His tongue pressed into my mouth, teasing mine, licking my bottom lip. I wound my hands in his long hair, holding tightly at the root, pulling every time he squeezed my thighs. One of his hands left my thigh, reaching up to cup my face.

I couldn’t get close enough. I was on Bucky, being held tightly by him, but the thoughts of this not being real, being just another dream. Another beautiful dream I was going to wake up from any second now, alone in the world without Bucky, again. These thoughts took my mind over.

The tears were flowing before I even realized. Bucky must have felt them because he pulled away, looking at my face, pain written all over his. “I know, sweetheart.” He said, taking his hand from my face, wrapping it tightly around my upper back, the other around my bottom, pulling me so close. I tucked my head into his neck, his long hair against my face. Sobs fell from my mouth as I kept myself tightly latched onto Bucky. Feeling his body against mine, his arms around me, hand rubbing up and down my back, making me fall apart.

All the emotions were overwhelming. I couldn’t help the sobs that came from me as Bucky held me, allowing me to let go. I kept one hand laced through his hair, feeling him there with me, the other one wrapped around his back. “It doesn’t feel real.” I sobbed against the soft skin of his neck, leaving tears to run down into his jacket. “I know, doll. I promise I’m right here. I’m never leaving again. I’m so sorry.” He whispered against my hair, tears evidently falling from him as well. I could feel the wetness hit my neck, furthering my emotions.

The elevator dinged, notifying us we were at my floor as Bucky and I held each other desperately close. “Second door on the left,” I mumbled as Bucky walked us to my apartment. He hadn’t been here before since I moved after the blip. The thought of living in the same place where we had all those memories had ruined me, leading me to move out.

He softly grabbed my key from my pants' back pocket and unlocked my door with ease, bringing us inside. I loosened my death grip around him enough to pull back and look at his face. His bright blue eyes were rimmed with tears, causing more to fall from mine. “Buck.” I sighed, running my thumbs over his cheeks, brushing his tears away.

“Please, let me make love to you, Y/N.” He breathed out, brushing his lips softly against mine. “Please, Bucky,” I whispered, kissing him harder, leaving no space between us. “I need to feel you,” I begged, “bedroom’s on the right.” I got out between kisses. He walked us to my room without breaking from my body, swinging the door open and shut before laying us on the bed. He pulled away from my lips, and pushed my hair out of the way to kiss down my neck.

After 5 years of not feeling him, not feeling anything physical, it felt as though electric shocks were being sent through my body. His lips grazed over my neck, finding my soft spot with ease. He licked and bit at it, desperate moans falling from my mouth without even realizing. He reached up and lightly gripped my chin, keeping my face pointed up and away, so he had full access to my neck. Instinctually he left marks all over my neck, sucking and nipping hard. I groaned at the pain of his bites mixed with the euphoria of his lips on me again, finally. The hand on my chin loosened as he took his pointer and middle finger, slowly dipping them into my mouth. Licking and sucking on the fingers he pushed into my mouth, I felt him groan into my neck.

He pushed himself against me, grinding our bodies together, causing us both to whine at the friction. Feeling him for the first time in so long was more than heavenly. It was utterly indescribable. His body pressed firmly against mine was all it took for the emotions to come flooding back. His fingers fell from my mouth as I grabbed his face, pulling it in front of mine. Tears falling out of my eyes, I begged him, “Please, Bucky.” His bright eyes stared into my teary ones. He nodded slowly, a sympathetic smile on his face.

He leaned down enough to press a soft kiss on my lips before pulling back from me to take his vest off. His eyes never left mine as I sat up enough to pull my shirt off, quickly following with my bra. His gaze stayed on my face before leaning forward and kissing me again, putting an arm up and under my waist, holding my upper back to press our skin together. “So beautiful, baby.” He mumbled into my mouth.

I reached between us for the zipper of his pants to get them off him. Fumbling with the button and the zipper, I couldn’t get off. I felt everything start to crash down on me again. The emotions, the sadness, the pure elation from him being back. Everything brought me back down to the reality that he was here. My breath caught in my throat, and I pulled back from kissing him. I didn’t want to cry. I didn’t want to be emotional, but it was too much.

“Doll, look at me.” He quietly said, grabbing my hands from the top of his pants. “We don’t have to do this right now. We can just be here with each other. I’m not going anywhere, I promise.” He pleaded.

I needed him now. I needed him the second I found out he was coming back. Connecting our bodies in the most intimate way. The closest way two people could was what I craved. I reached up and cupped his face softly. “I need this, James. I need you, just please trust me right now.” I begged him, gentle tears falling down my face again.

“Okay, baby, Okay.” He whined, tears threatening to fall from his own eyes as he reached down to undo his pants for me. I leaned up, capturing his warm lips against mine, feeling his breath invade my mouth. He sighed into me as he leaned forward, pushing my back onto the bed. He kicked his pants and underwear down off his body, leaving him bare against me. I pulled my own pants down as quickly as possible without breaking the kiss. His metal hand trailed down my body, cupping my breast as he squeezed and kneaded it. Groaning into his mouth from the pleasure, he took the opportunity to slip his tongue back into mine. He teased my mouth, licking and tasting me. His hand trailed lower, gently over my stomach, down to the top of my panties. He grazed two fingers over the front of the soaked underwear, making my body shudder against him.

“Was I the last one to touch you?” He questioned, pulling back from kissing me to look at me, “You’re more sensitive than last time, doll.” He whispered, still rubbing his fingers over my soaked panties.

“Yes.” I choked out, “Was never gonna stop waiting for you, Buck.” I honestly responded. He dipped his head down, kissing my cheek softly. His fingers slowed a little at my candor, moving back up to the top of my underwear.

“I’m gonna make up for all the lost time, sweetheart.” He whispered against my face. He started pulling my underwear down. I lifted my hips for him to pull them off, kicking them once they reached my calves. His fingers trailed over the top of my thigh, slowly sliding closer to where I needed him. A shaky sigh left me as he reached my core, running his fingers up and down my slit. “Always so perfect for me.” He spoke, lips against my cheek.

“Yes.” I groaned out as his fingertip teased my hole, slowly sliding in where I needed him most. “Oh my god,” I whined, opening my legs wider for him.

“Does that feel good, angel?” He asked, brushing his nose against my cheek. As he spoke, his breath was hot on my face, a feeling I so direly missed. “Mhm.” I groaned as he sped up, adding another in me. The wet sound of his fingers going in and out of me was enough to break me. “I don’t want your fingers, please. I want you.” I begged, turning my head towards him, pressing our foreheads together, lips just barely touching.

“Baby, you’re so tight. Just cum for me once, and you can have all of me, alright.” He huffed against my lips. I groaned against him as he sped his fingers up even faster. My whole body felt hot, pressure building from feeling his fingers inside me for the first time in so many years. The tightness in my stomach grew stronger as he reached his thumb up to rub my clit. “There you go, sweetheart. I can feel you getting close.” He whispered in hot breaths. Whines fell from my mouth into his as I let the ecstasy consume me. “Oh my god, Bucky.” I cried as I let the orgasm wash over me. “That’s my girl. Keep going.” He said, working me through the pure elation that coursed through my body, never slowing his fingers down. My whole body began to shake as I came down from my high, crying out as I grabbed his metal hand, pulling it away from my body to stop his overstimulation.

Bucky reached up and stuck his fingers in his mouth, cleaning my liquids off of them. “So fucking perfect, doll.” He said, going down to rub his hand over my stomach, comforting me from the intense experience. I could feel his hard cock pressing into my side as he lay next to me, watching me calm down. Reaching down, I grabbed his cock, slowly stroking him. His breath caught in his throat as I squeezed him.

In an instant, he was on me, kissing me hard, teeth hitting, noses butting as I sped up. He hovered over me as I aligned his cock against me. “Y/N,” He said, leaning his forehead against mine, “Are you sure?”

I took my free hand and reached up, cupping his face, running my thumb across his cheek. “I’ve waited 5 years for you. I’m more than sure.” I pleaded, staring into his eyes. He leaned down quickly, kissing my lips before slowly pushing into me. I couldn’t stop the whines that fell from me at how big he felt being pushed inside me.

“God, baby, you’re so tight.” He grunted. Once he was entirely inside, he stopped moving altogether. I instantly wrapped my legs around his waist, wanting him even closer to me. He leaned down, pressing our stomachs together, putting most of his weight on top of me, something he knew I loved. Pure love was written all over his face as he gazed into my eyes. He started peppering my face with kisses, starting with my cheeks, eyelids, forehead, nose, and finally, a long, soft kiss on my lips. “Talk to me, doll. Please tell me how you feel.” He pleaded.

“Good. So good, Bucky,” I whispered, “But please move, need to feel more.” He slowly started thrusting into me, not taking his gaze off my face. Each time he thrust back in, he pushed his hips as far against me as possible, hitting the deepest point within me. Soft moans fell from me against his face as he sped up just a little.

I tried to keep my eyes open, wanting to see him above me. I needed to know this was real, that he was here. Feeling him pour all his love into me physically was all it took for my emotions to get the better of me at the moment. I closed my eyes as the tears welled and slipped out. There was nothing I could do to stop them. I held in the sobs as best as I could before I felt his lips press into mine. “I know, baby, I know,” He said, against me, pulling back slightly, “I’m right here.” He reached up to wipe the nonstop tears falling from me.

The feeling of him inside me, his weight on my body enclosing me in. The soft words he spoke to me made my build-up even stronger. “Promise me, you’ll never leave me again. I need you with me, James.” I begged, holding his face.

He nodded against me before speaking, “I promise, angel. I’m here with you forever. Nothing will ever take me away again, I won’t let it.” He stared into my eyes as he spoke.

With his words spoken, I could feel myself almost at the edge. The pure intimacy and love between us made my mind feel fuzzy as I let the high get closer. It was more than just physical, it was completely emotional and mental with him.

“So close, baby. Can feel you are too, clenching so tight.” He grunted against me, leaning into my neck, speeding his pace up. “Let go for me. I’ve got you.”

I reached my arms around his back, pulling him tighter against me as I let the release flow through me. Loud moans fell from the both of us as my orgasm brought him to his, milking him tightly in me. “Oh fuck.” I breathed out against his shoulder. Bucky continued to softly thrust us both through, slowing down as we finished.

He pulled out, taking his full weight off me to lay next to me, still pressed against me. My tears had stopped, but the intense emotions were still prevalent. I reached up to tuck his hair behind his ear, turning to look at him.

“I missed you,” I barely audibly spoke. Bucky reached his hand up, pushing my hair behind my shoulder, tucking it behind my ear. He cupped his hand on my cheek, running his thumb down and over my bottom lip.

“I won’t ever leave you again,” Bucky whispered back, leaving a soft kiss on my lips.