#shouldve taken advantage of that walk

[delbeugre]

Have you seen SADIE BEUGRE? DEL is in HER/THEIR SENIOR year. The MATHEMATICS MAJOR is 24 years old & is a CAPRICORN. People say SHE/THEY are GRITTY, BEWITCHING, RETICENT and WASPISH. Rumors say they’re a member of HASTINGS. I heard from the gossip blog that SHE BIT AN EX-BOYFRIEND’S PINKY FINGER OFF AFTER SHE FOUND OUT HE CHEATED, AND THEN HAPPILY SERVED TIME FOR IT.

im tommy im a freak and of course i am here to get freakalicious with u all... this is my newest frankenstein type creation named sadie i know .02% about her yet but i am more than confident she will b nothing but a fun time! like this if ur down to plot!

TW: VIOLENCE, MENTIONS OF JAIL/PROSECUTION, MENTIONS OF SUICIDE, DRUG USE

BACKSTORY

capricorn sun / virgo moon / scorpio rising

raised by her uncle Big (his name) who is a hermit shut in town local in the depths of the florida marshland like some goosebumps protagonist. hes gone far past socially acceptable in terms of his ability to connect with the modern person but is wise beyond belief... his whole vibe is a warped cross between a cryptid and a mountain man that forages and cooks neighborhood plants. married for 27 years before his wife passed from illness. its quite possibly the only thing hes ever been emotional about

but dels entry to his life throws a wrench in his sadness (despite abandonment being what they bond over). she takes the focus away from his loss with her presence; her dad, his brother, died in a tragic train-car collision around the same time (which is speculated to be a suicide bt nobody can ever really be sure). he was a single parent so her custody is thrown up in the air for a few months as cps decides what they r gna do with this freshly orphaned little scrapper

she just kinda turns up on his doorstep n from there they cohabit a space. shes arnd 6-7 at this time... big never seemed to b phased by the fact tht she was a child n tended to treat her more like an apprentice or guest. he was never close to her father because of their age difference, being the older out of the two, so to have his daughter become his responsibility is just..... weird

this doesnt mean that he wouldnt provide for her bt it was. not very parental whatsoever.... no conversation or interaction beyond what was necessary. she was a mute fr a while and still is? to a degree.... very short spoken

when she got to her preteens he offered her an allowance in exchange for little odds and ends of stuff to be taken care of around the house. errands n all tht.... sometimes he wld purposefully leave things for her to pick up n take care of without mentioning it for a bonus. taught her the importance of saving your money and the horrid corruptness of a society basing everythings worth off paper. big exposed her to a lot of knowledge and took advantage of her silent curiosity by fueling it with books, homeschooling, life skills (catching a fish, setting a trap, knowing your berries in the woods...... the works)

her teens carried out the same way bt with the introduction of a real job, a spot down at the local butcher shop checking people out at the register and helping around the back of house. del knows a great deal abt cow/pig/chicken/etc anatomy from her years here..... she committed to being 100% vegan into her early twenties because of her trauma frm this occupation

it paid very well tho n was the best gig she was going to get within a reasonable biking route from home. so she settled!

the plan wasnt to keep it up for long anyway. she worked rly hard for her spot at yates and didnt intend to ever screw herself over. her plan was to get her bachelors, masters, become a professor, pursue a personal hobby of agriculture and build an elaborate greenhouse to live in

bt things happen..... 

some 35yr old douche with a green thumb woos her at a gardening store n swoops in to teach her a little more abt romance; all of this, of course, under the guise that he had all these tips and tricks for living environmentally friendly. a lame hippie wannabe that shouldve never even approached her bt alas.... he did

love is a touchy subject n it hadnt been something she set her sights on, but she was interested in wht this dude could teach her n at 19 she ended up falling in love. she delayed her education to stay an extra year back home and work out another plan which included him

this was very disappointing to her uncle bt he didnt have anything to say abt it. it was never parental before n it was never going to be, so this was another lesson she wld just have to overcome on her own

it turns out that she doesnt care for infidelity. when the confession comes out its met with a lot of screaming, bawling, blistering white hot anger. the whole incident is blacked out of her mind to b honest....

matters of the heart are no longer something to concern herself with because of the repercussions of her rash behavior regarding heartbreak O________O she spent a year in jail n still has to attend therapy / anger management meetings

deep down she is still hurting. there was a lot of pain... bt the sadness is not over the loss of some noob. she is in a state of constant disappointment, detaching from herself out of shame. putting her own life on pause only for it to turn out like that? stupid stupid stupid... 

PERSONALITY

chugging along! tldr spectre-like swamp nymph aura with the slightest (not so slight) unhinged feral tendencies

delicate like a moth resting in the gleam of a flashlight.... her anger singes her wings when shes too comfortable staying in one place, so theres always constant stimulation, always shifting gears. shes prone to feeling threatened; that being said, sadie is wary of walking in crowds, a little bit skittish when approached without making eye contact beforehand. like a small grey kitten..... in a big wide world

has a hard time keeping a conversation bt is very interested in debate, and even more so in studying alongside someone in complete silence. it reminds her of home in the same sense tht her uncle wld nudge her to keep reading by always having his own book open

doesnt have many friends and is alright with that. rumors are tht she is still a virgin bt who really knows? not i...... bt i wldnt be surprised if this was true. shes not impressed by people nor material items so this whole yates crowd is a turn off

she is truly clueless when it comes to how to behave around anyone her age. i think she understands but it just doesnt compute. she could come off as impolite bt it is just standoffishness? some people cld try to crack her but i dont think even she knows what that would be, or what that would look like. even in her one (1) failed relationship it was never deep heart to hearts or sharing dinner..... solitude is her realm

del is very comfortable with herself, very open with her wardrobe! doesnt leave too much to the imagination? she appreciates the human experience n expresses that thru this whole “body is a temple” type thing.... not quite confidence, but proudness of being. has gotten multiple notices frm professors for her tops being too sheer, nylons too ratted up, etc. has dirt under her fingernails half the time, chipped polish, some chapstick. smudges her eyeshadow on with her fingers

doesnt smoke cigarettes all too often but is dependent on weed. it kinda perpetuates her paranoid demeanor bt at the same time it keeps her lax enough to be able to mentally handle city life

her room is a playground for huge monstera plants, christmas cacti, ivy creeping along the doorway. she sleeps on a tiny thin mattress on the floor with a linen sheet and has her books stacked up on the ground next to it to hold her ashtray. the whole thing is dumb empty

takes her studies seriously and pinches every penny she can..... she has never ordered herself a coffee frm somewhere before, ordered food frm a restaurant... nothing. i wld think the most she would branch out from harvesting everything on her own is buying a bag of sunflower seeds frm a gas station, but even then, she much prefers eating stuff she grows herself. has a tomato plant, some basil beginning to sprout, etc.... manageable crops for any college students tiny space

...

bt yea thats it thats all! connections cld be all over the place. im legit open to anything. theres only a few tht come to mind right off that bat: 

a few people that get along with her? same classes? they shared a bowl n now theyre getting into the nitty gritty of some personal conversation that is veering into no mans land....

some sort of clueless makeover moment? arent rly into sadie as a person bt see a lot of potential... perhaps need a plus one to a party on the fly and figure thats the best option theyve got

crushes? this wld be fun n potentially dangerous! like playing with a hot cast iron pan or something :)

again im vry new to rp so i wld like to leave a lot of stuff up to chemistry, brainstorming n stuff like that, but please consider everything on the table! what i hav mentioned is the tip of the iceberg im so burnt out n i wrote a lot more than i intended to i am so sorry but i promise i am friendly

[liliumwallichianum]

07.01.21

Happy July Y’all 

since therapy got cancelled today, here’s my brain dump/letter to my therapist 

Hi M******, thanks for cancelling today I really could not handle a therapy session LOL but most importantly why is it that I felt so bad for cancelling last minute to the point where I DIDNT EVEN CANCEL and just got lucky that you cancelled instead?! Like IM paying YOU I should be comfortable with just being like bye flaking today sorry. But yeah idk it’s that whole I need to be LESS polite and prioritize myself thing. anyways 

I feel...... good? and I’m gonna do two journal prompts to share with you but before I do that I just wanna say that I really start school/step studying for good in like 5 days and I’m scared because I don’t wanna be a fuck up and I wanna actually apply myself but I also know that the doctor is gonna tell me to go on some type of medication which like is fine with me at this point bc it’s STEP 1 this determines my entire career/future lifestyle so I’m willing to do anything at this point and lowkey kinda wish my mother had listened to the pediatrician that told her that I have ADD and shouldve gotten screened but whatever no ragrets focusing only on the future. Things I really need to do this time around 

1) prioritze me prioritize me prioritize me

2) ignore boys besides AL + AN maybe AK if he’s not being a cuck 

3) be fearless, be confident

4) stick to a routine

5) do not withdraw when burnt out, lean on your family for support instead

6) stop listening to music when studying lmfao

7) #1 again imma reiterate this please stop caring what’s going on w your parents just trust that they’ll figure it out and all they want is for you to be successful and they understand you gotta do what you gotta do 

okay journal prompts

#1 what would perfect day look like for you tomorrow? 

in an ideal world, i would for starters not be living with my parents. maybe i’d live next door to them? haha jk. okay i’d ideally wake up at 5:30am, hit the gym with a boo thang, grab a protein shake, come home shower get ready, meditate, make a matcha or a coffee, have an almond biscotti while reading or watching YT videos, head to a library, take 2 uworld blocks and get 85%+ on them, review them, eat a buddha bowl for lunch, finish studying by 4, go for a walk or hike with my puppy and boo thang, come home, make dinner with a glass of wine, eat dinner while watching a movie or tv show or whateva maybe have a friend or two come over too, maybe another glass of wine (or i guess kombucha because i’ve been loving a sober life now), have a night cap sex sesh, ktfo at 9:30pm 

i know i’m really boring but this is all i long for these days in my boring life

#2 list some emotions u avoid trying to feel + y do you avoid trying to feel them

failure, rejection, vulnerable

failure - this is for obvious reasons. i just dont wanna hear it from my parents lmfao 

rejection - again obvious i have an ego but tbh i dont think i avoid this, i think i just dont like feeling this way.. i’m kinda hella okay with rejection and understand it’s impossible to be everyone’s cup of tea

vulnerable - oh idk cause the last time i was vulnerable i was sexually traumatized and gas lighted and taken advantage of by a psycho narcissist ? obvious

 i like feeling SAFE if that wasn’t clear

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i am allowed to be who i am. i am allowed to think the way i do. youre a coward and you should walk away. i want a family and you use a girl who wants a family to give you comfort but never offer anything to her in return. this js my level of self hatred and self esteem. like the convo was ended and he continued into whatever else he thought was shit about me because he once again disregarded the fact that i told him the root of my problem is wanting a family. i will always be unhappy with you because you dont provide it. im not unhealthy by wanting things im unhealthy for staying with someone like him. like it was so important to me to say dont treat me this way. like it gave me confidence that i really need in life because i hate myself alot. that is the first time i ever said to someone straight up dont treat me like this or im done. i stood my ground against a shitty big man. i pushed negative thiughts he placed in me away from my core being because im not that person. you just want me to be that person because it justifies your shittiness. youre a bad person, honestly. you do bad things and continue to do bad things and most of your associates are bad people. i have a genuinely good heart thats regularly taken advantage of by bad people. nothing in my life is an excuse. but youre a piece of shit for not commending me on my successes despite my hardships. im still here. i shouldve been dead and im still fucking here. i couldve been pregnant on drugs raped - im here child free, drug free, and okay. i have no support system what so ever. and im on this level. THAT is strength. i did not fall victim to the worst of it. i couldve made totally different choices and i didnt because i knew i deserved more despite my head being clogged and stagnant. nothing is better than crackhead. tomorrow im doing two things - looking for a job and signing up for tinder. like im done now. i think this is a big game to him and when i have a job and im independently caring for myself i have no reason at all to put up with such an asshole. im tired of being told im smothering someone with simple messages. im tired of being made to feel bad as though me feeling like shit will get me up and moving.