#shes a 14 year old likely adhd girl fuck off

[mayatuks-catastrophe]

"character isnt a mess around her crush and knows how to talk and behave around people" god forbid woman do anything

[ihavedoorinsurance]

big long post abt bokutachi-kun bc i have worms

so. a little over a week ago, SoapOpera46 (or Yoli-chan) blessed us with this video and i would like to talk abt it at length. piece by piece. this is the true definition of sadan. so much so that it's going under a readmore (if those even matter anymore. i hear fumblr truncates posts automatically?) anyway

full disclosure: i didn't plan any of this. what's to come is basically word puke, off the top of my head, with no organisation or structure to it.

you won't be interested in this unless you're clinically insane. if you're looking for worthwhile opinions on the video, i recommend browsing the comments section. they're short, sweet, and easy to read. nnnnow, without further ado.....

I KU ZO

i'll start off saying i don't know shit about Dream (YUME-SAN as he is so graciously credited in the vid description)! not a damn thing! all i know is he's a Minecraft YouTuber, and up to just yesterday i didn't even know he made music! what seems to be very emo music if this song is anything to go by.

i looked up the lyrics seperately bc tbh i couldnt extrapolate anything from that singing. bokutachi-kun's a star talent and all bless his heart but i needed expert assistance. also according to the blurb at the bottom of the page i referenced, this song references the struggles of depression and ADHD! and myopia, most tragically of all.

here's a student copy.

what to note before we forge onwards: this is contextualised to us by Yoli-chan as a look into Bokutachi's history, saying she: "feeling it fit bokutachi-kun no past very much!!!"

i'm not sure how far in the past this is, but i have some vague ideas pinned on the information that, expressed by Episode 10, Raku and Koneko have already graduated (or dropped out of i'm not discounting that) college by the time the mainline story is in effect.

you also see these silhouettes

of what i assume to be the girls? at around 1:22, so i'm giving it anywhere from 6 to 14 years ago.

and if that seems like a wide ratio that's because it is!! i have no way of knowing what year of high school he's in, when exactly he graduated, how long it's been since then, or anything. i mean he's a fairly young man so i'll take that into account but that hardly helps

(also grant that none of the story takes off until after Raku and Koneko have left college long enough for Raku to call her fellow alumni "old" friends....also wtf what did they major in i've been asking this for years..you don't see them with jobs ever I MEAN PERHAPS KONEKO MAJORED IN NURSING THE COVID PSA DOES INDICATE SHE IS A PROFESSIONAL SO IDK)

but damn if any of that actually matters. you can't even peg the year by identifying hiis fatback monitor and Windows 98 ass OS

he is using some..EQUIVALENT of early msn messenger, maybe that puts this in the ballpark of 2000-2003

ik the Covid PSA isn't like properly canon or anything but i'll bet Raku is still using Win98 well after the OS's discontinuation anyway (it went out of service in 2006 if that helps.)

so if Bokutachi's old enough to be in any year of high school in 1998-2000 (assuming this computer is any indication. it might not be!), i'd wager a guess he's anywhere between 24-30 years old by the time NNSG properly starts (again assuming, that 2010 is the actual year the show takes place. once again, it might not be! it's at least post-Hatsune Miku, judging by the Christmas episode). this leaves room for college, but i doubt he went.

kind of what i already assumed, but it's fun trying to put these pieces together.

also can i just say i'm intrigued by the "nya, rawr" adlib in the beginning? that is Hitoshi's Thing, as we well know, but additionally, in the very beginning of the video, there is a box of pocky on the floor of the hallway.

pocky would happen to be one half of Hitoshi's favourite breakfast (plus ramune. this fuck drinks soda and eats cookies for breakfast what is wrong with him.), so i wonder if he had some knowledge of Hitoshi already this early on. we're operating on the premise that this is Bokutachi's younger self singing, right? did Hitoshi go to his school? we don't see him anywhere unlike Raku and Koneko, so idk. maybe "nya, rawr" is just a popular, cool phrase to say in Amerijapan.

potential cool thing: the one pocky stick upside down and sitting outside the box but near it might allude to Bokutachi himself. you do get the feeling he's lonely throughout the song, he's not got one close relationship with a real live person. not in school, not at home...

let's start talking about these lyrics.

I wear a mask with a smile for hours at a time Stare at the ceiling while I hold back what's on my mind And when they ask me how I'm doing I say, "I'm just fine" And when they ask me how I'm doing I say, "I'm just fine"

--

so i like this set of frames

you see him happily chatting away, but abrubtly he gets tense and stops himself. only after his mood swing is acknowledged does he try to perk back up and affirm to whoever's asking that he's "just fine". clearly he feels some kind of pressure to bottle up his emotions.

the facade begins to wane slightly here: despite the open ears he remains reticent. another thing: he seems to just be very guarded when he's around people. like physically!

you see him holding himself in the midst of confrontation here, earlier he'd balled up his fist because he got upset thinking about something too long... his stance in general is very tight in public, from what i can tell.

here, he's got his arms firmly placed at his sides as he turns away from whoever it was that confronted him earlier. shortly afterwards when he's sure he's not being looked at, he drops his little half smile.

in the first image of this post, again at around 1:22-1:25 you see him holding his bookbag straps and powering through the hallways the longer he continues to walk, like there's a sense of urgency there.

and here, he's around people that are likely just minding their own business but he's just. not comfortable in any way. the song mentions at this point:

"Always bein' judged by a bunch of strange faces Scared to go outside, haven't seen the light in ages"

even though it seems he's being ignored for the most part. everyone who's addressed him thus far in the song has only ever asked him if he was okay. i have to wonder if he's being gossipped about behind his back for being an outcast and is well aware of it.

"haven't seen the light in ages" strikes me as metaphorical. light as in hope. light as in a reason to keep going.

ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE MOMENT TO HIGHLIGHT THESE LYRICS

But the fact is I can never get off of my mattress And all that they can ask is "Why are you so sad, kid?" (Why are you so sad, kid?)

--

my guy has been in bed all day long, just awake and in bed dawn to dusk, tossing and turning unable to get to sleep. or even will himself to get up. he hasn't eaten, drank, brushed his teeth, showered, just. bed. and the first thing his (probably) legal guardian thinks to ask him when he FINALLY manages to find some strength is why he's so sad.

it'd be nice to interpret that in a compassionate way. i think best case scenario, his guardian(s) don't know how to help him and want to talk with him. approaching the subject of utter disengagement from the world is difficult when you haven't lived it, and i can't imagine mental health resources are plentiful in early 2000s Amerijapan.

but also he doesn't seem to trust his legal guardian(s)?? he's just as guarded with them as he is with strangers, look at this at around 0:56

he looks anxious trying to address either of them. the way he's looking back and forth between them it's like he's trying to get a word in edgewise but can't.

they're not particularly given identifiable features. they look fairly similar to the "strange faces" he sees judging him, except they're bigger. they cast a longer shadow and they're no comfort to him at all. helps that the lyrics accompanied are:

"And it just keeps on pilin' It's so terrifying"

--

which implies to me he's constantly in the habit of racking up shames in his legal guardian's eyes. like they pick at him frequently and find reasons upon reasons to scold him, and remind him of everything that's going wrong. maybe the pressure he feels to perform normalcy is derived from them, because if someone finds something "wrong" with him, they're going to pick and pick and demean him and lose faith in him. and that hits too close to home for him.

(i'm willing to bet he is/was physically punished too. like, shot in the dark, but that makes sense to me with how stiffly he walks and how clammed up you see him around ppl. i might be projecting though but hey. never said i was sure.)

I'D LIKE TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT MY GUY IS JUST CHRONICALLY ONLINE TOO

morning to night, he finds himself whiling away HOURS on the computer. time spent online (on messaging clients and what have you) outweighs time spent on homework, and studying, possibly eating. anything else that might beg his attention is forgotten.

anything else that might stress him out is forgotten when he turns on the computer. he can mask (OHOHOHOHO) his struggles online because there's no burden of expectation or obligation.

there's a freedom in his anonymity, in how he can choose his company, and lie about being happy, and they'd believe him. no-one asks questions. there's no pressure. and that makes him "happy" so to speak.

i say that because only when he's messing around online do we finally see him peaceful enough to go to sleep. the fog on his brain is lifted when he turns himself into this person that's full of confidence and takes life easy. and even though he might be faking it...

Been wearin' a smile for so long, it's real So long, it's real, so long, it's real

that'll happen to you when you use another skin to cope with your own shortcomings. i'm acutely aware of this in particular. this might be what some people refer to as irony poisoning? when you do something enough times, even if it's only for show, it becomes habit, and your habits aren't you as a person, but they can certainly shape you.

i wonder if he joked about dark sshit like kidnapping people and committing felonies, etc. to try and make himself let go of the fear of being judged by others. make himself stop feeling empathy so he'd stop acting so careful, thus unchaining himself from his own thought paralysis. plenty of people do that (and some become criminals later on, go figure)

anyhow later on we have a mental breakdown from about 1:31 to 1:39 with:

But I've been places So I'm okay-ish, so I'm okay-ish Yeah, I'm okay, bitch"

--

coupled with what seems to be a violent start from a dream of some kind?

not sure if this dream IS or is connected to the following scenes of walking through the school hallways + out in the grass, but that would actually make a lot of sense considering "haven't seen the light in ages" compared against his internet addiction. like he found a distraction and thus has little incentive to leave. i imagine he's skipping school and holing up in his room or something.

the effects of what he's doing seem to be catching up with him. you can see him high strung when he gets out of bed, and when he answers to what's likely his guardian(s), it snaps him.

i get the impression he either woke up with all this tension, then realised he slept through the morning and made it worse, OR. the dream sharply reminded him of his current circumstances and THAT made it worse.

maybe he's spiralling because he feels powerless. to stop himself from making bad decisions, from disappointing people, from pushing people away, from underachieving, from misusing his time, from taking his life for granted, from being alone...challenging these doubts about your own agency over your life is tough when you don't know where to start and also you're a teenager.

he's clearly wracked with despair over this but can't act in his own best interest due to closing off all avenues to recovery thanks to never opening up to anyone. god the more i think about it, the more i consider "why are you so sad, kid?" to be accusatory. if you feel singled out in being honest, of course you'll try to avoid that.

also note:

But the fact is I need help, I'm failin' all my classes

damn straight.

jesus that report card. look at that thing, that is straight Fs all the way down. i mean we know he hasn't been doing his homework but god ALL F'S??? IN EVERY SUBJECT????? you'd think he wasn't going to school at all, which kind of lends itself to my idea that he's just altogether not going. or when he is there, doing literally anything else but the work. god damn. relatable

that combined with his outburst, that epic door slam?? that might be what pulls him into the doctor's office later on. like his legal guardian(s) are just sick of his shit and so they get him psychoanalysed.

A FINE ANALYSIS FROM DR. ^w^ PHD, FUCKING "NORMAL JA NAI", WHAT A GENIUS ASSESSMENT. I'M SO GLAD THEY COULD TAP INTO THE HEART OF THE ISSUE AND ADDRESS THE ROOT CAUSE OF HIS SUFFERING IN A THOROUGH AND SPECIALISED MANNER. BASED

no seriously even though that shit kills me every time i see it, i like the implication that they only vaguely diagnose symptoms, write a prescription, and send him on his way. like what's really wrong with him is being overlooked by professionals because the mental health awareness just isn't there. as exemplified by:

"They think that I need glasses"

which is a lyric i laughed at but also...that's kinda true to life. you'll say to your school's counsellor, everything that sings to the tune of someone with executive dysfunction. a spectrum disorder even. and they'll be like

"hm. move em up. they cant see the board that's why they're not taking notes right. have you talked to an ophthalmologist". offering bandaid solutions for bigger issues. and speaking of bandaid solutions, DRUGS

"I just really wish that I could pass this (Wish that I could pass this)"

That's what the mask is That's what the point of the mask is"

SDGLKMFKFKLDHNFGJKNGVF I RAN OUT OF IMAGE SPACE LMAOOOO

okay so basically from 1:49-1:59 Bokutachi goes through a moment of crisis where he laments his fate of being labelled as "NORMAL JA NAI". either he doesn't like the things the medication is doing to him or he's skeptical of taking them at all. regardless those shits are going inthe TRASH. my guy is like "fuck big pharma" out here

he is not in a stable frame of mind at all throughout this video. who knows if those pills would have helped. we'll never know because he doesn't trust them. he doesn't want to think of himself as someone who needs that kind of thing.

as far as he's concerned he doesn't! he has his chat group, he has FUCKING MINESWEEPER; if he were to try and "fix" himself now, what would happen to those spaces? would he still be able to navigate them? find the same joy in them as he once did? they're all that matters to him! he's become accustomed to the isolation and this is his only reprieve (read as: escape) from a hostile environment.

(how hostile it really is, that's sort of up in the air. i'm thinking he's got the makings of a dude with some kinda cluster A disorder. ADD and autism are also on my mind, depression because of the song's origins itself, but eh. i digress.)

you can see him calm himself down once it's time to boot up the computer again at 2:00.

so it would seem, he's already given up on trying to be more than what he is right now. change is scary though, i don't blame him. especially when you feel like it's being forced on you when you didn't ask.

maybe this is him trying to regain some kind of control, but...in a decidedly unhealthy way. by sticking his head in the sand and acting like nothing's wrong. burying the idea that he needs help makes him feel less like a problem that needs to be solved and more like a well adjusted person that's just misunderstood.

at 2:09 he pulls out his planner (i refuse to believe that's a smartphone LIKE COME ON THE TIMELINE. PLEASE) and you can kind of watch his stomach churn knowing there's shit to do but his alter ego doesn't care.

his alter ego isn't concerned with that bullshit. "nah i'll have time. i'll do it later. and if i don't get it done tonight, who cares? nothing's gonna happen to me and i don't gotta answer to anybody. i'm not scared." he's developing an apathy to responsibility b/c it frustrates him he can't manage it.

i have to ask if this is where his rebuke of social acceptability took root.

you even see him at around 2:21-2:26 pull out his medical records and write "daijoubu" next to the diagnosis. which also slays me but next to "NORMAL ja nai" it kind of reads like "not being normal is okay".

that's a perfectly fine stance to have when you're just a little kooky! just a tad silly! eccentric even! i don't know if that's something you should be saying to wave away EVERYTHING that could be affecting you (and potentially others if it goes unchecked), just because it makes you uncomfortable to stare it down! that's dangerous!! particularly when you don't know your limits

i'm also kind of loving 2:28-2:32??? where he raises his head to his legal guardians and he's smiling for the first time in front of them.

but now we're well aware all his smiles are performative. he's wearing the mask for them now too.

the fake it 'til you make it policy seems to be his safety net. in order to avoid being treated and seen like a walking blemish, something to be fixed, he's slowly grown to be more comfortable acting well to do, or at least unaffected. then people leave him alone. when he's loose and devil-may-care, he's allowed to be himself. which would be fine if that were honest.

in truth, he's extremely emotional. he's sensitive. he's scared and wound up. he's angry and he's self conscious. he cannot function in the way the world wants him to, and he can't stand his own inaction in the face of his self-inflicted demise. but when that's too shameful to bear, you don't seek anyone out. imagine how much more painful it would be to have someone see you flounder. they'll poke fun. they'll judge.

it's like he sees the world telling him to be better, and his response is to create what he thinks is an objectively better person. even though at the end of the day he is still who he is.

i wonder if he starts wearing that mask permanently because at one point he'd become aware there was no running from himself. with this being his only way to reconcile his failures, it was inevitable.

we end the animation with him going to sleep and his maegami "masked" self looming over the end credits. smiling is equated with wearing a mask consistently throughout the song, so i find the image of him going to sleep with a smile on his face pretty solidly telling me that he's starting the transition into becoming the Projected Bokutachi as opposed to Plain Bokutachi.

this is the beginning of his descent into a more dangerous, yet exciting and outgoing person. he is mentally unwell and owning it. i don't know what happened between high school and the NNSG plotline (or god forbid, what happened between childhood and adolescence), but here we definitely introduce some catalysts for his face-heel turn.

and now i have even more reasons to reconsider this little rat man's true motivations and character depth.

arigatou gozaimasu Yoli-chan (੭*ˊᵕˋ)੭* ੈ♡‧₊˚

[thatndginger]

you guys wanna hear about one of my earliest attempts at writing a cohesive story? Well, you're gonna get it because I'm having a Moment with the adhd meds uncovering memories.

To se the scene: Imagine a 14 year old K. Skinny, painfully shy, lonely, and completely obsessed with books. While raiding her elder relatives' shelves for more material, she stumbles upon a set of books.

[Y'ALL I JUST FINALLY FOUND THE NAME OF THIS BOOK AFTER LIKE 5 YEARS OF SEARCHING!!!! I'M FUCKING LIVING. My plans for the next few days are gonna be reading these books for the first time in over a decade. I gotta temper my expectations tho, 14 year old K liked some questionable things :/]

Witch Season, combined with the Mortal Instruments series, made baby K want to do one thing, and one thing only: create her own story where a 'normal' girl discovers that she is now part of a hidden, magical world and learns to navigate this world and the power she wields in it. So, with all the optimism and enthusiasm she could muster, baby K set out to create.

Y'all, this story had everything a 14-year-old in the early 2010's could ever want. It had a badass female protagonist, it had a love triangle, it had Kingdoms of witches ruled by royal families. My favorite part still has to be the witch kingdoms. There were the typical ones - Earth, Air, Water, Fire - as well as Light and Dark. My protagonist, one Mia [don't remember her last name], was a Dark witch, but she didn't know it. Her neighbor and best friend Nate was a Light witch and the crown prince of the Light Kingdom. Why did he live in a random apartment in New York City instead of the castle in the secret witch realm that his family resided in? Because baby K said so, that's why.

The plot kicked off with Mia getting attacked in an alleyway and discovering her latent witch powers, having a panic attack about it, her bff Nate comforts her and reveals that he is a witch. But because he's a Light witch and Mia's a Dark witch, he can't help her. Some real Romeo and Juliet shit. Why couldn't he help her? Because 'opposing' kingdoms are naturally hostile to each other and as the crown prince of the Light Kingdom, Nate would be in so much trouble if he was caught with her. So Nate takes her to the Dark Kingdom, to the king and queen of the Dark Kingdom, where Mia meets the crown prince Jon. Nate and Jon form a rivalry for Mia's affections. Jon personally takes over parts of Mia's tutelage, Nate visits way too often, Mia is torn between the two (spoiler: she chooses Jon).

I was so into this story guys. I convinced my very conservative, cautious mother to let me commission an artist to make me art of Mia, Nate, and Jon. I still cherish those pieces to this day. Like, look at it! (coloring by me, lines by Palnk on deviantart)

You'd think that I'd have some writing or something to further immortalize this story, but... I don't. At 14 baby K was just starting to deal with severe depression and had a terrible habit of deleting all her stuff when the depression got too bad (Adult K is much better about saving all their shit and keeping copies). There is possibly some remnant saved on an old hard drive that I cannot crack, but for now there is nothing but my own memories and two pieces of art. And, after high school got hard and the depression really set in, baby K forgot all about her magical, angsty world and Mia, Nate, and Jon.

Now, for the keen eyed, you may have noticed that the names in baby K's magnum opus are eerily similar to War Witch's trio of protagonists. And to that I say, yeah, they're the same names :3. There's a reason behind that. After I got on my meds for the first time and really started to get better, I remembered all about baby K's passion for writing and creating fantasy worlds, and especially her witches. HOWEVER, 21 year old K was not nearly as angsty and into 'typical' fantasy worldbuilding, so I changed.... a lot. For a while, I was running with the idea of Mia and Nate being witch soldiers in an alternate-history WWI scenario where magic was real and trench warfare was so much more horrific because of it. Jon was a soldier on the opposing side, and outside of some really cool scenes I didn't have a plot.

Eventually, the more I poked at it, the more I changed; Mia became Mari, Nate reverted back to being a silver-spoon noble, Jon stayed a soldier but now he was on the same side, and I made an entirely new world for them to live in. No reasonable human could see the strings connecting baby K's witch story to current K's War Witch just looking at the two. But the names are my homage to my younger self, a thanks to her passion and enthusiasm. The characters and plot and world are entirely changed, but the names are (mostly) the same.

And maybe that's enough.

[honeyedwings]

.

Basic mechanics work:

Turn based minigame for homeworks, events, etc with limited turns available in a seemingly very generous amount. However, you can only progress VN slides by using your turns for that time block as well. Protag may always give up on their homework or quiz at any time, preserving their turns for VN and social.

Near future utopic solarpunk Beiruti setting.

Difficulty slider:

A+ student is Very Easy with gameplay elements never needing more than 10 turns to progress, and access to "checking your notes" to have the next step solve itself.

B student can check notes 10 times, but averages (modally) 14 turns to complete.

C student loses access to notes, but has A student difficulty.

D student has B student difficulty with no notes.

F student has no notes and B/D difficulty with a challenging twist: giving up on a partial will get a 0 score instead of a half score.

Basic concept work:

A washout 19 year old who has transferred twice due to delinquency* trying her level best to actually graduate this time. She is in her penultimate year.

*Route options: either she's got that untreated ADHD (no access to homework minigames; receives half score on homework by default; always available for out of school dates; can help classmates with quizzes to build social [as compared to delinquent getting full dates in class]), or she's a Real Delinquent (No access to in class quizzes; receives half score on quizzes by default (0 per day for F difficulty or Day Off penalty); uses class time functionally as Extra Dates).

School difficulties are aggressively Not Her Fault, with difficulty events offering either half-score to that day's class stuff (socials or grades), or The Day Off (full score but only for socials, access to adult socials during those days, which makes it much easier to max an adult social).

For this reason the day is split into sections, hence only 2 days to a week. A morning section for class or adult socials, an afternoon section for homework or peer socials, and an evening section for story progression. <- Up to changes, this is only the first draft.

Protagonist my also choose to take the day off for a cost (0 on both homework and quiz) to maintain access to adult socials. Protagonist gets one day off (weekend) for every two days of class. If child socials are added, weekends would be the only way to access them, as good little children are in their fucking schools.

Big tasks for next time:

What does the turn based gameplay look like no shut up about the goddamn match 3s

How is the B/D/F difficulty randomized. Should F also have an undisclosed extra difficulty eg modal 16 vs 14?

Probably need to generate some love interests. For example, I have to assume there's a twin sister. I mean why wouldn't there be?

WRT lolis, I personally would like at least one high fashion idol trainee (blind, facial scarring, rectangle, skinny, full limbs) who the delinquent can meet exclusively during class time (eg she is categorized with the adult love interests). Additionally, to be fair, the ADHDer should get a personal loli and I think that's a good place for the tutoring student from grade school. <- Are these the same loli? Yes. No reference to this is ever given, it's just really obviously the same person in two outfits (makeup on the idol, bare faced on the student). Much like our protagonist and protagonist.

Note also: though we as devs know these are the same girl, the twin will meet the "other version" of this kid (helped with fashion at a clothes store, or, was assigned as a tutoring student by the after school program) and talk about her often. At no point will it be confirmed in game that there are the same girl, so it may look a bit like there are also twins, but that too will not be confirmed.

WRT visuals, since the MC will basically be a paper doll the only real animation type stuff has to be the face, so it'll probably be an inset portrait even though that's kinda boring. Open to adjustments on this.

Body shapes:

Triangle (broad shoulder narrow hip, middling waist),

rectangle (middling shoulder waist and hip),

Hourglass (narrow shoulder middling waist wide hip)

Body weights:

Skinny,

medium,

heavy,

fat

Body types:

Cane (style decided by outfit),

Crutches (color by hair palette),

Blind cane (color by hair palette),

Wheelchair (color by palette, hubs/handles by style)

Limb types:

Full,

Upper arm amputee,

Upper leg amputee

Clothing styles:

Gyaru Punk,

Beledi punk,

Western Punk,

Modest,

Eastern (Israeli? Filipino? TBD) modest,

Western (French) Modest,

High fashion,

Western high fashion,

Athletic (beach, modest)

Athletic (gym, western)

Hair, facial hair and makeup style decided by clothing style.

Hair color determines palette

Face options:

eye color,

makeup Y/N toggle,

facial hair Y/N toggle,

glasses Y/N toggle (full blacked blind lenses)

Toggle note: By default your twin shares your style choice in another palette and randomized body. You can also unbind these and pick your twin's style and body.

UI note: Opens with a fully randomized selection of body types with random makeup and facial hair in a CAS only "underwear" model; includes an undress button that reverts to underwear model with all toggles to no.

[ghostie-luther]

My Ricky and horace relationship headcanons from my modern!foster au!

Their relationship is brotherly, of course. Also they didn't interact in the books at all but fuck canon because I said so

Anybody who's seen both Ricky and Horace in the same vicinity have to immediately self isolate and collect their thoughts for a few days.

"Horace is so smart and careful, he's also kind of scared of everything which makes him EXTRA careful" no there is not a single braincell between them

They have been chased by cops after Ricky, in a car that was not his, started doing donuts at 1am in a deserted car park with music blasting and Horace screaming his heart out in joy. The windows were open, people were not amused.

Horace has had Ricky carry him in probably every place in florida. On his shoulders.

Does he get off when confronted with the doors of supermarkets? No. He ducks.

They both think its completely normal.

Horace and Ricky met after Ricky started dating this girl who was in the foster system, and her and horace were in the same shitty foster home.

The relationship crashed and burned after a few months but they still hold flames for eachother years on.

Horace was 10 when he met Ricky, a month after being fostered in this new home. Ricky was 14, Amy was 15 (his ex).

(Now 14, 18 and 19 respectively).

Everyone thinks Ricky was a bad influence but in fact its lowkey the opposite.

And people in the fandom like to laugh bcs "haha if Horace met Ricky and saw his hair and clothes he'd be SCANDALISED!"

ricky cries over those dog eating ASMRS and Horace is currently hiding that hes wanted in France.

(Just some car theft, joyriding, and him train hopping illegally through multiple other countries LOL its fine, he's fine).

(In my texting fic horace is like the perfect little gentleman until its revealed he knows Ricky bcs Jacob adds him to the group but I like these headcanons better they're the oGS-)

Horace dyed his hair MONTHLY before he ended up with miss P, and helped Ricky dye his for the first time.

Things escalated, Ricky got some wonky spikes, loved them, went to school with them, got laughed at, then beat up the people who laughed at him

Its fine, he's grown into them now.

So far horace has had his hair black, white, pastel pink, and in one embarrassing instance he doesn't talk about, seaweed green.

Ricky has had red hair, blue hair, purple, black, electric yellow with green tips, and his favourite, green hair with black tips.

Horace has diagnosed ADHD and depression, and he's currently tricking Ricky and Amy into thinking hes getting his anti depressants delivered to miss Ps house. She has no idea, and they're piling up through the letterbox of his old abandoned foster home.

He DOES take his ADHD medication though! Because if he doesn't he makes bad decisions.

He likes to jump on the furniture

He tried to go cold turkey for a week to see what would happen. Ricky held him down and sat on his chest until he took them. Never again.

Jacob found out about Ricky and horaces relationship after letting himself into rickys apartment when his parents weren't home, the way he always used to.

He spent ten minutes trying to talk to Ricky, who was turning red and progressively sinking guiltily into his battered sofa, before Horace, an hour into minor breakdown #3 of the month, walked out of the bathroom with black dye on his hair.

"Jake please I tried to stop him"

Jacob, scrubbing Horaces head furiously over the edge of the bath: SHES GOING TO KILL ME

"Emma or the bird?"

"BOTH"

Horace has some pretty bad habits, and so does Ricky.

For example, the drinking and smoking.

(I started drinking properly around 13 and smoking at 15 so I'm just kind of projecting onto my boys im sorry)

Ricky smokes about a pack every three days, horace can stretch his out for about a month, if he's stingy.

Ricky doesn't buy them for him, he has no idea where he gets them from, and will normally pluck the cigarette from the youngers hand if he lights it up in front of him.

(He won't do it some nights though. When Horaces eyes are glazed and his hands shake so much he can barely bring it to his lips, and it seems like he can't bring himself to speak. Those nights Ricky finds himself offering one from his own pack).

They also have a few drinks together, on special occasions. Just cans of really cheap and dirty beer from whatever petrol station Ricky can pretend he's 21 in. It tastes like grainy shit, but they both drink it from spite.

Ricky and Amy will never allow Horace to even look at drugs. Ever.

(He hasn't told them of the state his father left his house. Of what was cooking in the kitchen. Of what some junkie jokingly brought to his lips as a fucking child at one of his fathers nightly parties, what smoke he grew up in, walking through the corridors of his house.)

So we all know Horace has prophetic nightmares right? So in this AU because there's no peculiarities theyre just nightmares. Sometimes he'll go days without sleeping, only for Ricky to wrap a blanket around his head and bring him on his lap.

Anywhere. Anytime.

Once he appeared at Horaces school during lunch and forced the poor 14 year old to submit on a random gym mat.

He got to skip maths though??? So it was okay.

This is getting really long but I have MILLIONS of headcanons for this lmk if you want me to make some more posts on their relationship and their relationships with the rest of the family rkdjwnak

[sharknadoslutt]

Not that I ever wanted to watch it because of the era it plays in, but what was so awful about Star Wars resistance?

Oh Okay this ask got me GOING so Welcome to my Tedtalk on my feelings on Star Wars Resistance; a story of Disappointment.

So Mr. Dave Filoni, the story telling Prince, left the show like halfway through production of the first season for other projects (For TCW season 7 and The Mandalorian). This left what was a promising show with characters Dave himself had created, in the hands of very inexperienced story board artist and writers. Personally, I think they panicked and half assed it so that Disney could make money on toys. Because.. idk. It just doesn't even come close to the emotional story arcs that TCW and Rebels gave us. and that's what Star Wars is supposed to be about. Changing for the better. Hope or some shit, am I right?

What was most disappointing in my opinion.. is that the protagonist, Kazudo Xiono, is UNBEARABLE. He is the EMBODIEMENT of privilege. This punk has had everything handed down to him from the moment he was born. He was born like 14 years after the Empire has been brought down and the New Republic reigns, so he has never known war. AND HIS DADDY IS THE SENATOR OF HOSNIAN PRIME FOR FUCKS SAKE! THE CAPITOL????? WHERE THE SENATE IS???? YOU KNOW HOW RICH THAT MUST MAKE HIs FaMiLY??? His dad literally gives him an allowance even though he is a grown ass man in the military when the show starts.

To put things into perspective for those not up to date on Sequel Era Lore and I envy you greatly tbh bcs not to be that person i do not like the sequels that's the equivalent of being the Senator of Coruscant in the Prequels!!!!

Not to mention he is a BUMBLING idiot. Like. This man has ADHD on steroids. As a person with ADHD it's.. lord, it's cringe. He is clumsy. He is loud. He says inappropriate things at the wrong time. He doesn't know how to do anything for himself. AND HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A SPY FOR THE RESISTANCE UNDER COVER AS A MECHANIC???? HE KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT MECHANICS and really doesn't really learn anything about it by the time the show ends. And don't come at me saying this is a kids show so I cant complain about things being silly bcs I'm not the target audience. I can and I will bcs no one was NEARLY this obnoxious in TCW or Rebels. Kaz is Jarjar Level, but I ACTUALLY LIKE JARJAR!

DUDE IS A DAMN SPY HE DOESNT EVEN LIKE GO BY AN ALLIAS!!! HE DEADASS USES HIS REAL FULL NAME. BCS KAZ IS AN IDIOT.

I'm not saying he isn't a good person. Kaz is very sweet tbh. He's just an unknowing spoiled ass man-child who NEVER REALLY DEVELOPS INTO ANYTHING ELSE?????

It would be okay if he entered the show like this and exited a more mature, capable man. But he really doesn't. There are never any consequences for his actions. Ever. Other than when he becomes a spy and, again, IS USING HIS REAL LEGAL NAME as a spy for the Resistance... to avoid a scandal and to scold him for LITERALLY DESERTING THE NAVY his daddy cuts him off from his allowance. So instead of half assing his cover job as a mechanic, Kaz has to actually apply himself so he can make money for food. He doesn't improve much. His co-workers (Who are MUCH more interesting than him) constantly complain about him messing things up and making their jobs more difficult.

Man, FUCK KAZ. MY HOMIES HATE KAZ. BEING HOT CAN ONLY GET YOU SO FAR!!!!!

At the Season one finale there is a moment where you think he is finally going to grow as a man! Grow into the protagonist we deserve! Tragedy, for the first time in his life, strikes Kaz! It's during the events of episode 7, when The First Order blows up Hosnian Prime. His home planet. Where his FATHER LIVES. He has a moment of humanity and he is devastated. He almost cries. But he sucks it up to finish the mission and get his friends off base for their safety. He is a man now. and the audience feels a sense of comradery for Kaz. After all, Star Wars is about Fathers. Kaz has lost his father forever. His father was KILLED by the First Order. He now, first hand, has experienced real loss for the first time and this is going to help him grow and toughen up. he has to live on his own now. Our hero has a reason to be doing what he's doing. Fighting against the first order.

BUT NAH. FAM. then the very next fucking EPISODE YOU FIND OUT HIS DAD IS FUCKING ALIVE AND THAT HE DIDNT ACTUALLY EXPEIRENCE THE LOSS THAT HE HAD THOUGHT, AND HE GOES RIGHT BACK TO BEING HIS GOOFY ASS CHILDISH SELF. NO. I HATED THAT. THERE WAS NO REASON FOR GROWTH. MAN FUCK RESISTANCE.

FUCK. IF ANYONE DESERVED THEIR FATHER TO LIVE THROUGH A DAMN PLANETORY DESTRUCTION IT WAS MY GIRL LEIA, NOT FUCKING KAZUDO THE CLOWN XIONO. FUCK. guys I'm sorry I just really hate this god damn character.

Like. Lemme break it down, folks.

TCW started and Ahsoka enters. I HATED Ahsoka for a long time. Bcs she was young, cocky and annoying. But that was on purpose. Narratively, she experiences loss, she experiences pain and GROws as a character while navigating her Jedi life during the war. Our girl grows into the capable protagonist that we EXPECT out of a Star Wars story.

Same for Rebels. We meet Ezra, and he's not quite as annoying as Ahsoka was at first in my opinion (I cannot stress how much I did not care for Ahsoka yall) but he was young. He was childish. But he was more capable at 14 than fucking Kaz was at 20. By the end of Rebels, not only is he more wise and capable, but he is selfless. He has found his own path and it's only because of what he has gone through. His journey has made him stronger. Ezra is my favorite Star Wars journey, if I'm being honest. He is the perfect example of character development.

KAZUDO XIONO ENTERS SEASON ONE AS A 20 YEAR OLD MAN-CHILD USING DADDY'S MONEY WHO IS LOUD AND DOESNT KNOW WHEN THE STFU... AND EXITS THE FINALE... AS A LOUD MAN-CHILD WHO CAN NOW USE TOOLS. He doesn't' experience REAL FAMILIAL loss. He doesn't really experience a lot of character development at all. Things just happen around him, he helps, but he doesn't learn. He doesn't grow. I fucking hate that.

Literally every single character in the show BESIDEs Kaz is more interesting than him. and EXPEIRENCE CHARACTER GROWTH!!!

Jarek Yeager, Kaz's boss in the mechanic shop, was in the Rebellion and LOST HIS FAMILY. He is a sexy ass man too. HE starts the show not wanting to help the Resistance at all bcs he's experienced loss since his days in the Rebellion, and his heart is hard and he's comfortable. By the end of the show he is risking not just his career, but his VERY LIFE to help the Resistance.

Tam Ryvora, Kaz's co-worker. Daughter figure to Yeager and a total bad ass woman of color. She is the one on the show who experiences the most character development and struggles to find her identity while the First Order is taking over the galaxy. I LOVE her.

There are these 2 kids who are force sensitive and orphaned after Kylo Ren comits GENOCIDE on their planet. This arc set up is never fully addressed nor does it have a conclusion, like most story arcs on this show tbh.

There's a literal witch for some reason??

There's this fucking rad ass sexy Mirilian Pirate girl named Synara who FOR SOME REASON is suggested to be Kaz's love interest. Gross. Girl, you gay. Move in.

I could go on and on and on. But I wont. Fuck this show. Fuck Kaz. It literally adds NOTHING to the bigger Star Wars lore. TCW and Rebels do this beautifully and this show is a hot mess of ideas and characters that never come to a satisfying story telling conclusion.

Thanks for coming to my tedtalk, dont watch Resistance.

[asterekmess]

were you in the teen wolf fandom when it was airing?

Oohh, yes and no? So, lemme set the scene here.

It's May, 2012. You have a 14-year-old girl. Just about to go into high school. For various (and non-nefarious) reasons, she is stuck in the basement floor of a farmhouse 24/7, a forty-minute drive away from the nearest city, a twelve hour drive from her nearest friends. She is...oh so bored.

But! Her saving grace! Her father is an idiot who pays for a shitload of subscription services on his basement television, and he uses it about once a week. She has access to the remote. >:)

So, what does this magic obsessed 14-year-old do? She binges. Everything. Classic star trek. Classic doctor who. New doctor who. Charmed. The OG Teen Wolf movies. Kyle XY. Smallville. Fuck dude, she even watches like a full season of Switched at Birth, and three episodes of Pretty Little Liars. Then what does she find? A cringey looking teen drama called Teen Wolf, with the prettiest brunette in the teaser screenshot, which coincidentally has the same as those movies she watched. But clearly, they cannot be the same thing or even a reboot, bc this looks fucking dumb.

But she watches it anyway. There's exactly 1 season out. The main character bugs the shit out of her, for no reason she can find besides she hates his floofy hair (I knew about fifty guys with that hair, and let me tell you I was fucking sick of it). The majority of the characters are ripped, which she doesn't care about, as she's got a friend the same age who is JUST as ripped, so she doesn't see it as weird. They keep trying to have sex on screen, and she is just SO confused about what is sexy when there's a bleeding man waiting on you. There's this really scrawny side character who has ADHD, and holy shit she's never seen someone HAVE ADHD on television before. He acts just like her when she's feeling bouncy. She is enamored immediately. The pretty boy from the screenshot is a tall, broody, grim-dark butthead with a leather jacket and the cutest fuckin fangs. Nuff said. She is enamored immediately.

But what's this? The season is over. Broody Boy has these gorgeous red eyes and a new rumbly voice that makes her hum it's so nice, Scrawny Boy has revealed his badassery through molotov cocktails and gaining the begrudging respect of his high school bully. Floofy boy is...kissing the girl who tried to kill him. She's still confused on that one, but they look happy, so yay. With the season over, having been binged in a literal day (yes. i watched it for almost twelve hours straight and my eyes burned. This was nothing new), she sighs, daydreams for a little while (read: three days) about how fucking awesome pack cuddles would be, bc werewolves, and then runs off to write her own werewolf story that is completely and totally different to the show (It isn't, there are weird similarities, cus' she's 14 and an idiot, but she fuckin tried) and immediately forgets the show exists. Skip forward about ohhh fuck when was it? four years? five? It's like 2016-2017, okay? Possibly 2018. I have a shit memory. i kno i was in college. Ya girl's on the webs, tippy tapping. She wanders across Teen Wolf, and BOOM it's either finished or almost finished, all she knows is everyone's FREAKING OUT about seeing the finale. She rewatches s1 for the nostalgia....and just keeps hitting that 'next episode' button. THen, she starts having opinions. Boyd and Erica and Isaac deserve hugs. Derek deserves hugs. Stiles deserves hugs. Scot is...there. not bad, not good, but there.

So, she sits down in 2018 at this fancy new website called Ao3 that she's only just started posting semi-regularly on (and it's Doctor Who fic), and writes out a little fic called "Needed." Suddenly she is IMMERSED in fandom. Chatting to people in the comments, looking stuff up on tumblr, creating a whole side-blog. It's not just a slippery slope, she fell off a cliff and landed in a pile of Stereky Goodness, and man, she has no intention of digging her way out. So, yeah, I wasn't in fandom, but I was a fan, for all of like a week before i forgot it existed. Then when I came back it'd either just ended or was about to end, and I hate watching Currently Running shows bc I hate waiting for new episodes, so I refused to look at any current fandom stuff until it was well over and done with. And then, I joined fandom properly.

[steponmepinkjun]

I NEVER FINISHED MY STORY OMG. ok so i left off at being too proud to tell my friend she was right and kpop fucked hard. the difference between u and me is that i’m too good of a liar. too good. i kept up the “i hate kpop it’s cringe” facade for ALMOST TWO WHOLE YEARS, I SHIT YOU NOT. why? bc my dumb ass, extra ass, dramatic ass self thought “ok if i’m gonna have to deal with the embarrassment of admitting i’m wrong, i better do it in such an extra ass way it’ll knock ur socks off so hard that YOULL be the one embarrassed not me.” the original plan was to learn the entire choreography to bts dope, bc it’s the song that she told me to listen to and inevitably the song that got me into them, but later switched to bts fire bc i saw too many of those “choreo matches w any song” videos, and then her birthday party came up. and here’s the real kicker. her birthday is April Motherfuckin Fools. so it would be So Perfect for me to reveal my kpopism as a birthday present And a april fools prank in one. so i was Set on the Reveal being on april 1st, but the day rolls around and god that choreo is so fucking hard and i am Not a dancer. never have been. so i abandon that and go ykno what… i’ll do it Next Year. BC MY BITCHASS WAS LIKE NO THE MOMENT IS TOO PERFECT TO DO IT ON A NORMAL ASS DAY ITS GONNA BE ON APRIL FOOLS ON HER GODDAMN BIRTHDAY OR NOT AT ALL. a year rolls by, i’ve told most of our friends except her and they’re all in on it, i’d made so many subtle kpop references to her without her realising they were fully intentional and had too many scares where she almost figured me out but i lied my way out of it, and i’d given up on showing off with choreography bc i couldn’t make that shit look good. i’m not a dancer. i am, however, a rapper, and a damn good one, so i inhaled the agust d mixtape and decided i’d just rap the eminem of kpop’s anthem at her face. in korean. and change the lyrics at the end (if u haven’t listened to agust d, the bridge repeats “i’m sorry” a lot) to “i’m sorry i kept this from u for so long” and “i’m sorry i actually ult got7 not bts” (this was like the april after skz debuted ok i was holding onto got7 for dear life knowing full well skz we’re going to convert me smh) and the best part? she never saw it coming. her official present was a cd with a bunch of kpop on it but she thought it was just a personalised mixtape for her so i told her to play the first song out loud and she knew the song Instantly. it has a long intro so she was like “i guess u did listen when i recommended u this song!! i knew you’d like it since u like rap so much!!” and then i started rapping and i shit u not. she started SCREAMING. like the initial reaction was her jaw dropping and then instinctively covering her mouth but when i kept going and she realised i wasn’t fucking around she just fucking screamed like a banshee. at the end during the sorry bit i threw off my jacket to reveal a got7 shirt on the inside and she fell off her chair and started rolling around on the floor. needless to say it was every bit as satisfying as i thought it’d be LMAOOOO afterwards her ass was like “I CANT BELIEVE U HID THIS FROM ME FOR OVER A YEAR” and when i tried to explain my ego couldn’t take the “i told u so” she was like “you know i wouldn’t have made fun of you for it right? i would just be glad you’re not hating on my boys anymore” so basically i’m a big dramatic fool and she was always too good for me.

don’t mind the weird spaces here my ipad is being all fucky wucky w me rn. damn sad to hear ur sideblog experience didn’t go so well, i’d have shown u the cool side of the fandom if i knew 😤😤 leading u thru the cursed halls of kpop stan tumblr like a sketchy tour guide that’s actually 3 small raccoons stacked on top of each other like a trench coat, like “over here we have the fanfic writers that honestly need to publish a book, over here we have the gif makers that are responsible for my entire camera roll, if we take a quick swerve past the death threat anons and the twt fanwar screenshots - mind ur feet bub the 14 year olds were tryna make a grab for ur ankles - ah here’s the holy grail of shitposts, you might be here for hours, to the right we have the weird aussie side of the fandom that projects our childhoods onto chanlix but also all the members as we decide what their life in australia would’ve been like, and down there is a secret trapdoor to the blogs w endless random headcanons that will make you laugh, cry or blush depending on if the author woke up and decided to choose violence today. enjoy your Stay!” but then again i’m not so active on tumblr anymore (ngl you’ve become the highlight of my tumblr experience these days, interaction wise,) so maybe all my Local Hotspots are inactive now. i know a bunch of them are, it’s sad. “i don’t fw stan twitter for the same reason i don’t hang out in meth dens” oop. guess i’m a meth addict. no but i get u i rly do, it’s a hellhole out there, but the fact that things get shared and spread a lot easier than on tumblr and how short most things have to be (therefor keeping up w my adhd attention span without having to resort to the mental torture that is tiktok, with the added bonus of not always needing headphones.) that i just. couldn’t leave if i tried. maybe i should try being active on tumblr again but it’s a dying site in comparison.

“their music doesn’t consistently hit for me as much as skz” i’m sorry we can’t be friends anymore. what. what. you don’t dramama ramama ramama hey? you don’t feel a little jealousyyyyyy, naega anin? you don’t shoot out, shoot out, shoot out, or aremdaeun love killa love killa? you can’t be your hero du du du du du du du du du dududu? u disappoint me. literally like everyone i know who likes skz music likes mx music like it’s a rite of Passage. they’re kindred spirits, monsta x music is like skz’s music’s cool but mildly heterosexual older brother. neither of them know what a bad song is it runs in the family. and both their music runs in my VEINS. whenever i describe my music taste they’re always the first two that come to mind, skz being my number 1 bc they are my best boys but mx bc of the Flavour. pls listen to the entire the code album then get back to me 😤🙌 ok but fr ur so right they are 7 of the finest men i ever seen (yes i say 7 bc i’m including wonho cause he deserved better and i’ll die on my ot7 bullshit.) like don’t get me started on them either LOL i LITERALLY downloaded that one insta video of changkyun working out his back n arm muscles w his tattoo showing bc i needed that shit saved for Science. they could do Anything w me like frfr. yes vixx is the bdsm contract group i’m telling ya they wildin. or at least they were. it’s been years since their last comeback idk what they’re doing anymore tbh. and yeah that makes sense, savouring the hyperfixation i feel it, but also i’m so attached to skz that i never let it die. like i hyperfixate on other things and other groups but i will Always go back to skz cause they’re my homeboys. hell, they’re my home. being a predebut stay i’ve spent more time w skz than most of my actual family members at this point. but that’s just me you do u boo xx just know that if ur anything like me ur never letting go once skz it’s been my longest lasting fixation cause they hit like Nothing Else Do. ik i’ve already said that but i cannot stress it enough. they’re really special. i’m gonna stop here before i get all sappy and emotional bc i really love those boys so fucking much and i don’t drop the L bomb often. SIDE NOTE I WOULD LIKE TO SEE UR LIST OF GROUPS RANKED BY THORSt. i need to judge ur Taste. and omg cat&dog is such a guilty pleasure song bc the lyrics make me cringe so much bc while pet play can be fun they be doing it in more of an “i’m an innocent soft dogboy uwu” kinda way that just Does Not Sit Right with me. it comes back to the objectifying of asians that asians themselves don’t help in industries like these and maybe i’m looking too far into it when rly it is just wholesome n cute or maybe they are into some pet play shit idk idc i will bop to the song regardless but i will not acknowledge the lyrics nope.

YOURE RIGHT THO SKZ’S OPENNESS IS IN FACT, A BIG DEAL, i’ll grab them for u if u want but i found these twt threads of skz supporting the lgbt community and i just felt a special kind of happiness man like sure the delusional part of me likes going “haha they’re gay” bc my brain likes to imagine them as my polycule of mlm boyfriends bc sometimes thats what gives me the serotonin to get me thru the day ok don’t judge but also bc it’s nice knowing that yes i’ll never know them personally, but at least i can support them knowing they’d respect my gender identity and my pronouns, they’d respect who i choose to love, and that’s already more than the general public can say so shit, it is special! it’s special that they don’t treat being cishet like the norm - they constantly remove gender from their songs and speech entirely, they don’t assume all stays are female anymore, we don’t talk abt the babygirls incident cause we got babystays in the end outta that ok, and it’s just. so refreshing and important to me bc i can’t get that anywhere else!! like my semi ults are the boyz and while i love them very much and there’s no way all 11 of them are straight i refuse, i do get just a little bit sad whenever they she/her their fandom by default and call them their girlfriends n shit even tho i do still identify as a girl, i’m also genderfluid/nonbinary/transmasc, and i have a very love/hate relationship w my womanhood and rarely use she/her pronouns, cause it’s like, do you not see me? see us? the ones who aren’t cishet women? i mean i know kevin does bc he congratulated a fan who came out as nb but it’s just not the same as the openness we get w skz. like how do i trust cishets i could be supporting them as a queer person when in reality they’d call me a slur. what would i know, behind the screen? so it’s so good that skz go the extra mile to make it a safe space for everyone. this is already long enough i will reply to the second half of that ask in another message… tomorrow cause it’s 1am and i’m tired gn -felix bi anon

I'mma have to start putting these under a readmore so that i don't absolutely make everything who is still following me for some reason go totally fucking insane 😂

NDJDHWJJAHFNAKBSJSBFBHHDBDNAJD YOU HAVE NO IDEA THE FACES I WAS MAKING READING THIS, I WAS FUCKING CACKLING AND GASPING EVERY OTHER SENTENCE SO HARD THAT I SCARED THE CATS NDJWHSHSB the fact that you went "oh you want me to get into kpop? Give me a hot minute, and I'll give you a whole ass private concert for free" biduehsjdbd biiiiiiiiiiitch you're a fucking ICON, I stg I could NEVER 😂 (and not just because I couldn't find a tune if you gave me a printed set of Google maps directions and that I embody the steriotype that white people can't dance, like my sister kept sensing me tiktoks of the whole "dance like a white girl" trend going lmfao look it's you and eventually I was like "sis please this trend has me feeling like being white is a disability and these mothafuckers are being ableist 😭 also I could NEVER be that on beat so yall ain't even doin it right 😭😭😭😭"). Tbh if I told one of my friends (lol what friends, i got jokes) to get into Skz and they showed up at my bday and performed the entirety of I Got It I would simply shower them in money and go "aight everyone else go home, you are no longer needed, you are being laid off, your position has been eliminated, we're downsizing, the company is moving up and you're moving out, you are not qualified for this role any longer, best of luck with future endeavors" 😊

I think part of the reason I can't deal w Twitter is the exact reason I refuse to leave tumblr, in that I've been on tumblr since 2006 and twt since 2008, and tumblr literally has not changed at all, not even a little, whereas going from the early days of twt where there were no corporate sponsorships or ads and you had to manually copy and paste someone's tweet and @ them to retweet it, to how it is now, like 90% ads and showing me shit from the timelines of people I don't even fuckin follow n whatnot, it's just not enjoyable. Idk how anyone finds anything on twt, it confuses and frustrates me because I am old and have not adapted well to technology changing 😂 But arguably, the skz fanbase doesn't want me on skztwt anyways so like it works for both of us lmfaooo. I am old and cringey, and also still think of twt as stream of consciousness whereas tumblr is your teenage bedroom where you can decorate the walls with anything that interests you. I do really love the nonsensical kpoptwt shitposts tho fhshsbdjjss like it is a very specific flavor of mental instability that I enjoy immensely 😂 OH and also I initially misread part of that and thought you were saying you actually irl do meth and I was like 😳 WHAT DO I SAY TO THAT. HOW DO I HANDLE THIS. Like how do I express like "I wasn't being judgy of people who use substances cause I've been there but I was just being insensitive 😳" And then went back and reread it and was like WHEW, IM JUST AN ILLITERATE FOOL 😂😂😂😂 ejeywhdhrhjwbfbdjshdhdhd I spent like an hour bwign like "IS THE REASON WE GET ALONG BECAUSE THEY'RE ON METH???? WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS INFORMATION??????" hrhehshe I am literally a fuckin idiot it's fine

It's not that I don't fw them, it's more like... Okay so like there is no situation in which I am going to skip a skz song if it comes on shuffle. You will not ever catch me NOT in the mood to listen to Sunshine, if God's Menu comes on we are THROWIN the meager amount of booty meat I got hither and thither, I could be in the happiest mood of my life but if Ex comes on I will stop to SOB. And I'm not like that with most music, so mx just falls into the category of "there is a time and place." Idk why but it just doesn't forcibly grab hold of my heart and ass the way skz always does. I really don't WANT my skz fixation to ever end, but I know that eventually it'll stop giving me dopamine bevause my brain is my worst fucking enemy 🙃 like my arcana fixation is to date the longest running hyperfixation I've ever had, going on almost three years, and I used to not be able to spend every single second of every day thinking about Asra, but now... I just feel nothing when I look at arcana stuff. As you can probz tell by the fact that I hardly post arcana anymore 😂 So I know that eventually all my happiness will end, it always does, I can never stay just as obsessed with something as I was for long. I CANT SHARE THE LIST BECAUSE I DONT *HAVE* TASTE YET 😭 I'm basically just compiling a list of any group someone tells me I should look into, ranked by how strong the kitty purred upon googling pics of them 😂 My mom read my ass to FILTH over txt lmfao she was like "they're not that adorable. Maybe your standard for adorableness has gone down with You Know Who still on hiatus 🤔" bfjwhdhd like MOMMAAAAA THE LIBRARY IS CLOSED 😂 she attacks me any time I even hint at stanning other groups, she is a skz purist and stans skz only, unofficial Momma Stay of All Stays keeping me in check lmfao.

I feel like skz really do follow thru on their promise that they're a safe space for stays, it's nice to see that they hold space for anyone and everyone in their fanbase and do it in a really simple and elegant way, I feel. Like they never make it seem like "okay here are the fans and here are the token weirdos that were only recognizing to make a buck off of them" the way a lot of artists make it feel like 😑 like they don't go out of their way to act like it's some revolutionary act to do the bare minimum of not shitting on certain parts of the fandom, if that makes sense. They feel very "yeah, of course we love all our stays, this is a welcoming space for literally anyone, that's how it should be, that should be normal," instead of like "Hi fans we love you 😊 and special shoutout to you ell gee bee tee folk, make sure to buy my rainbow merch after the show!!!" you know? Like, they're the friends who would never make you feel weird or different for some shit, the friends that take the attention off you if something they know ur sensitive about comes up, instead of weirdly snapping at whoever brought the unfomfy thing up which ruins the mood and makes you feel tiwce as bad, yk? They just give off this vibe that they, and the space they create with their music, is just a genuine and chill place to be and hang out and relax and bond. I feel like they'd be the friend group that is so goofy and sweet and silly and accepting and lovely and always makes you feel loved and excited to be alive 🥺 They are all good noodles 🥺🥺🥺

[sunny-down-snuff-im-alright]

Journaling Attempt #1 – 8/19/2021

I had all these ideas of things I wanted to say but all I can think about right now is if I should change the format of the date to the more reasonable European way of going Day/Month/Year instead of the Month/Day/Year that I am used to. You know, to make a change. Maybe it will be THE change that I make that finally gets me on tract to being a normal person in the world and everything clicks in to place instead of this disjointed catch all, fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants, somehow I manage, way things have been going so far. I watched Bo Burnham’s “Inside” special about two weeks ago and have been listening to the songs again recently. Man did that hit hard. I think like a lot of people right now it really resonated. If you haven’t seen it yet, I wouldn’t say it is ‘funny’ but it’s not not funny too. It is this weird line of being openly raw about one’s mental health – which is both refreshing and scary, and also being painfully self-aware of being open and raw about one’s mental health. The latter of which I can relate to on a cellular level. It is also very inspiring. While I’m not locking myself in a room with a camera and making a special or writing catchy songs, I am writing this. Which is the first time I am really writing anything that wasn’t an assignment or something for work. So, who knows if I am any good at this? (The self-aware portion of my brain pops in as I write that to say “You don’t know if you are any good. This is true. But you think you are good, even though you have never done anything like this before, but you are doing to post this somewhere with the though that it will be seen and impress people who read it which in turn will have them heap praise on you and give your life meaning.” It also says “This gimmick of knowing that you know is a great way of distancing yourself from everything and making yourself feel above it all and comes across as smart, you “I’m 14 years old and so deep” jack ass. You’re 43. Grow up!” And lastly “You just don’t know when you stop?” Rule of 3’s!) Anyway, I’m not completely sure what I am going to do here or what I am looking to accomplish, beside procrastinate while at work because the idea of rifling through the messages on my desk, or in my phone, or in my email, gives me a full-on legit panic attach. And not in some modern “OMG, I’m having a panic attack looking at that line in Starbucks” kind of way. No. Like real tightness in my chest, breathing getting shallow, and sweating through my shirt kind of panic attach. Luckily, I’ve got my trusty pill case here and I’ve taken a piece of a Klonopin that I have at the ready and it seems to be helping some. At least with the panic part. Not with the getting work done part. That’s where the ADHD part of my brain can still run wild and fuck stuff for me. What’s tough about that diagnosis is that in talking with my therapist (one of two that I have. One LCSW and one Psychologist) is in telling her that I’ve always been distractible or in my own head she just simply said “So you have ADHD” which in some respects is freeing because there is a label and now a known way to attack the problem. However, in trying to figure out how to attack it and become more “neuro-typical” as the kids say, is rough as we try to find the right fit. I know that is part of the process. Nothing is going to be perfect right out of the gate. But man, is it fucking hard. I just want to find the right pill to take to make me ‘normal’ so I can live in the world and be a productive and useful member of it. Of course, I know that there is no magic bullet cure-all. It will take finding the right mix of meds and supplementing that with life-style changes. Exercising more and mediating more. Eating better. Change is flippin’ hard though. And to what end? Do I want to be normal? Whatever the hell that means? I’ve always prided myself on being a little bit different. I know, I know. That makes me sound insufferable, which is totally fair and true. What was fun and endearing at 13 doesn’t fly at 40 as the father of two. That said, I have found my way to be the slightly “off” one. The one parent who doesn’t mind putting himself out there for things or be the but of the jokes. People, especially kids, can tell who can take a joke and who can’t. So, I don’t have a problem being the parent whose kids friends circle can call by name in a jokey way or let the girls on the soccer team constantly beat me in races or games. But, does taking that magic pill that I’ve yet to find, is that going to change who I am, and will I lose this more “wackier”, and one might say “passionate”, side? Will become just a regular dull drone in the sea of corporate masses? How do you hold on to the part of yourself that you feel defines you while it also appears to be killing you? Do other people ever feel this way? Does my wife? My siblings? Do you? I’m sure someone reading this just now say “Yup! I totally get what you are saying” to which I respond, “I’m so sorry as this suck, huh?”

 Talking with people helps for sure. Seeing you are not alone. But sometimes that is a hard place to get to. How much do I want to share with my wife? I know she loves me and will continue to do so and only wants the best for me. But I don’t want to open this door and unload all my own bullshit on her and now she will be constantly worried about me. Like more than the regular amount of her worrying about me because she loves me. And god forbid I actually go into this kind of detail with my therapists. Because once I do that, that means I officially have all these problems and then I have to do deal with it. So, I continue to keep things surface level. “Yeah, I’ve been depressed lately” and “so this is what is going on with my parents at the moment and how I have to deal with it” and those kinds of things. Which is still helpful. But I’ve been talking to them for years now. Does this mean I need to find new therapists? I’m such a non-confrontational person I don’t even know how to begin thinking about ‘breaking up’ with them if that is the case. And how do I even find someone else? Like most things in my life, I just kind of lucked into these ones and been coasting ever since.

 Sorry, about 5 minutes just passed as I sat here frozen at my keyboard thinking about what I just wrote and what else I might want to say and get out of my system right now. Scene:

Brain: Um, dude? What happened? You started off alright and had some amusing bits in there but then when full on confessional. I thought you wanted to be funny and stuff.

 Me: I know, I know. I just kind word vomited and went stream of consi…stream of consusious…stream of thought and that’s what came out.

 Brain: That’s the joke you are going with? Everyone reading this knows you have spell check; you could have just done that and no one would know or cared.

 Me: Yeah, I could have, but A) it gets another joke inside this bigger bit we are doing here now and B) helps endear me a little more as a grown man who has trouble spelling.

 Brain: Okay, wow. First of all, I don’t know if it really endears you to the reader or not but calling attention to it doesn’t make sense or help at all. And secondly, you never explain the joke. That ruins the joke. You’ve scene enough documentaries on comedy to know that’s how it works.

 Me: But what about being ‘meta’. Commenting on the commenting.

 Brain: Yeah, I get what you are going for but at some point, it is just tacky and uncreative.

 Me: So, you are saying this is just going to come across as obnoxious and whiney and faux-intellectual?

 Brain: Absolutely. You really just need to put on your big boy pants and suck it up, buttercup.

 Me: Shit.

 …

 Me: Want to go look at some porn? Brain: Obvious, exploitive, and immature but sure. Let’s get that dopamine hit. That always helps.

 Sponge Bob “Three Hours Later” title card

 Me: (with a heavy sigh) I hate myself.

 Brain: Me too. But I am feeling a little better so let’s get some actual work done. Me: If you say so.

 FIN

[year-of-yes]

Rabbit Hole

There’s nothing that those of us with ADHD love more than falling down the rabbit hole of a new hobby. I’ve decided that my new rabbit hole will be vaginas. Queer vaginas. 

I’ve been exploring my sexuality more thoroughly this year, prompted by quarantine and my last year of grad school, to really lean in. 

I’m a serial monogamist and find myself with free time - my boyfriend is studying abroad for the next year - and we’ve decided to open up the relationship. Given that I’ve always been in relationships, or spent most of my pre-tinder years woefully sexually repressed, I’ve never just gone balls to the wall in terms of prioritizing MY sex life. For me. I’m a notorious people pleaser and just the thought of telling a guy on a first date that I was only interested in casual sex would have made my skin crawl 5 years ago.

But no more!

The first few months of my new found freedom have been a veritable smorgasbord of men WAY out of my league. Something about knowing I’m in an open relationship allows guys to relax and just have fun with intimacy. (Men are the worst.) Ive never been on smoozier dates, with nicer wine and hotter guys in my life. Should I ever become single again, I will probably just continue to pretend to have a boyfriend, because DAMN. I’ve started keeping an album in my phone of their tinder profile pics just so when I’m old I can look back and remind myself that yeah, I FUCKED. 

Part of this new exploration has been coming to terms with the fact that yes I like women, and yes, I’m not attracted to ALL women, and yes I have mostly hooked up with guys but YEAH, I was definitely bisexual. And that I should stop being afraid and just DO IT.

But like any baby dyke on her first foray into the unknown, I was like a traveler with a brand new passport leaving the country for the first time, blinking out of an airport to realize that I didn’t speak the language, and oh yeah, I was dressed like a tourist. 

Despite the wisdom in taking things slow, my ADHD impulsivity had taken over and like any good hobby worth hyper focusing on, I was determined that I would learn by DOING. I wanted to have sex with women. Now, preferably.

I thought hooking up with a woman for the first time would be as easy as matching with someone hot on tinder - after all, thats all it really took with guys. I casually started following more queer women on instagram, tiktok and twitter, paying attention to what I could learn, assured that on any given day, I’d run into someone at the grocery store or match with a babe on tinder who would sweep me off my feet. Because now I was ACTIVELY looking at women! Not passively checking them out!

WRONG. After months of falling for dozens of matches who never messaged me, or conversations that never led to plans, or plans that fizzled out, I pulled on my big girl pants and decided that I was going to be a woman of action and get.myself.on.a.date. I’m hot goddamn it! I was going to MAKE SURE they knew I wasn’t just another straight girl bored on an app. I WANTED TO EAT PUSSY.

 it might be time to introduce that in addition to my very noticeable ADHD, I also have much less noticeable autism. All that business about girls presenting differently than boys means that others rarely pick up on it - and I don’t feel the need to mention it unless I think it will impact our relationship, like with a friend or coworker. I’ve learned that mentioning it on dates doesn’t really make things easier, but thanks to years masking, I can pull off a first date no sweat. Continuing on to dates 2 and 3 can be trickier, but I’ve learned how to navigate those waters with men who, suffice to say, are rarely intuitive enough to pick up on anything. In fact, I would venture a guess that most people on a date with me consider me very extroverted. Nevermind that I’m too mentally exhausted to leave my room the day after a date. I talk a lot, occasionally too much. I often look bored or bitchy because resting autistic face is more exhausting to change than resting bitch face, so I make up for it by being overly chatty when we hit on any of my special interests.

I have NO idea how this will translate on a date with a woman. My instinct is to say that I am overthinking and likely it will feel like any other date, but then I’ve always found women harder to read than men, and found it harder to see how they read me. I was also terrified that flirting would feel different - what if I was giving off a friendly vibe, not an I-want-to-fuck vibe? Is it typical for women to fuck on a first date? Should I touch her to let her know I was into her? Or did the fact that I had gotten all the way from a swipe right on tinder to an actual date suffice in itself to let her know? These might not be the sorts of questions a non-anxious neurotypical person might ask themselves, but they are the questions that I had slowly built up an arsenal of information for over the last 14 years in my interactions with men - information that was no longer applicable. So I set about seeking out this information in a way familiar to most autistics learning information that came naturally to others.

Google! I realized that I know very little about the actual gay scene despite having queer friends. How do lesbians flirt? How do you pick one up? What is considered too forward? And how in gods name did you eat pussy? Because goddamn it I intended to be good.

I had heard the term lesbian tiktok thrown around and decided to see what was what. Mostly I found videos of 20 year olds with flawless skin making lewd tongue movements that were supposed to be sexy. After probably 40 cumulative hours of trawling tiktok I realized I had a type: androgynous girls who were beautiful despite dressing down and not wearing a ton of makeup. Then I had a real heated soul search with myself. Was I attracted to them because I…wanted to be them? Liked the way they looked and dressed because I too aspired to cool androgyny? A few more days on tiktok and I put my guilt behind me: I definitely had a type and who gave a fuck if it was sort of self indulgent.

I also refused to go back to a time when I was bad at sex. I consider myself a solid sexual partner, keeping guys generally out of my league coming back for more. Thats because I refused to feel self conscience naked, was an excellent kisser, an active participant, vocal about my desires and (most important for men) my ~enthusiasm,  and understood the power of delayed gratification. 

I realized that while I could read articles about eating pussy all day long, it would ultimately come down to what the other girl was into. I’m a proficient masturbator and know what I like others to do to me - but I wasn’t yet accustomed to picking up on the cues that women give about what they liked. I resolved that the first time I was with a girl, I was going to lean in to the delayed gratification. Focus on kissing, touching, necks, ears, breasts, navels etc. so by the time I came face to face with a vagina it would be so wet I’d have my work cut out for me. In a little vagina shaped cake. Why not just ask them, you say?? Because! I’m extremely awkward and don’t want whoever she is to know that I’m woefully inexperienced. Fake. it. til. You. Make. it. 

It was like being a horny teenager again: desperate for interaction but unsure how anything worked. I was googling phrases like “bisexual style” and “how to eat pussy without getting tired”. I read hours of r/actuallesbians, Tumblr posts and go magazine articles. Mostly I realized that I would be able to skirt through to some degree: I was a solid 6-7 on the attractiveness scale, willing to be aggressive and outgoing no matter how awkward it made me feel, with a roommate who could make sure I looked stylish and a can-do attitude.

Now all I had to do was find a girl I wanted to fuck, who wanted to fuck me too. 

[daesungfmd]

𝒃𝒂𝒅 𝒃𝒆𝒉𝒂𝒗𝒊𝒐𝒓.

solo 6  /  wc: 1,921

moral of the story: hwang daesung is a menace. (tw: blood, needles mentioned in a brief anecdote in the context of piercings).

his intentions are cloudy, unreadable ―

he’s a boy who smiles so bright that it seems like he’s in a competition with the sun, talks circles around anyone who’ll listen, begging them to show some interest in the smaller parts of his life. but by the time he’s eight years old, teachers are already writing home about how disruptive he is in class, how he cuts them off mid-lesson to inquire about the color of their cheeks. (”he asked if my skin color is a result of high blood pressure,” one teacher writes, not quite angry, but far from amused. “he doesn’t seem to know how to keep his thoughts to himself”.)

it seems like he never learns, either.

his parents tell him not to answer the door if neither of them are home alone. it’s dangerous, they say, and he humors them by pretending to agree, though his personal belief is that the most dangerous thing in the apartment building is the landlord’s tendency to come looking for day-late rent first thing in the morning with un-brushed teeth. (”does our rent buy your toothpaste?” he asks one morning, in the middle of getting ready for school. the landlord doesn’t think it’s funny, and neither does daesung’s mom as she apologizes on his behalf, stalling while she comes up with some excuse as to why they can’t pay yet. but he sees the smile his dad’s trying to hide, and that makes the scolding that comes later feel worthwhile.)

he listens to the radio too loud while he does chores or pretends to do his homework, turns it up even louder when the lady from apartment 308 comes knocking at the door, undoubtedly to tell him to keep it down in there. there comes a day when he finally opens the door, ignoring every warning his parents had so persistently burned into his mind. before she can speak a single word, he takes the chance to say, “my dad told me you’re angry all the time ‘cause you’re going through a mid-life crisis. i thought you’d be older.” 

he watches her mouth open, close, open, then close again ― evidently, she doesn’t know what to say. when she speaks, her tone reeks of momentary defeat. “your dad told me that you’re eleven, so i thought you’d have learned how to be respectful by now. i guess we were both wrong.”

“i guess so.” the door shuts, locks. he turns the radio back on, louder.

as emotional intelligence puts roots in his brain, acts of blatant disrespect become less frequent but he’s still difficult to predict, impossible to control. a diagnosis of adhd at age 13 turns out to be half the explanation for his fluctuating energy levels, lack of impulse control and forgetfulness, but the consequences of these symptoms are still attributed to having no manners, no home training. condescension from teachers leads to an inherent disdain for a school system that doesn’t serve him, and it turns into hatred the first time his 8th grade homeroom teacher calls him out for the eyeliner he’s wearing.

“the girls aren’t allowed to wear makeup to school, so what made you believe that it would be okay for you to do so?” he asks right after attendance, staring 14-year old daesung in the eyes. he’s lost somewhere between not caring at all and being on high-alert from the embarrassment of the whole class turning to look at him, at his eyes.

“i didn’t realize that the girls had anything to do with me,” he snaps, smart-ass tone contradicting the nervous cracking of his knuckles. “there’s nothing about makeup in the boys’ dress code. if it’s that big of a deal, maybe it should be updated. let me know when it is.”

it’s a terrible way to start off 8th grade year, results in a series of miniature battles between him and the teacher. back-talking that lands him in the hallway with a stack of textbooks held over his head, though they’re dropped on the ground as soon as he’s not being watched ― he takes time-outs as personal breaks, which is later called defiance though it seems like his teacher has no desire to take daesung’s behavioral issues to anyone higher in the chain. on the occasions that he has gate duty, he always calls daesung out, makes him wait ‘til the gates close, then marks him tardy and makes him run laps first thing in the morning.

fair enough.

daesung’s playing a slow game, though, and he eventually lets his teacher think that he’s won. he stops wearing the eyeliner until finals season comes, and then he packs it on heavy, aiming to be called out. the eyeliner isn’t the surprise, though ― it’s the needle and ring in his pocket, pulled out after he’s done scrubbing his makeup off in the sink.

it’s a move made in an act of immature rebellion, and he knows that the purchase hadn’t been the best use of his accumulated lunch money. even as he leans in closer to the mirror, gets the ring attached to the needle and takes aim, he thinks about how the how-to page he’d read had specifically said not to do this in a dingy bathroom, and here he is ―

what’s the worst that can happen?

one, two, oh, fuck. he’s not expecting the blood, and he’s certainly not expecting to have to push and prod the needle until it finally slips through, and he’s not prepared to have to tug at the ring to get it to come loose from the needle and sit presentably on his lip. by the time he’s done, his eyes are bloodshot from unshed tears. he spits one final time, splashes cold sink water against his teeth and against the piercing to wash away the remnants of red. 

it doesn’t turn out to be the power-move he expects it to be, because the school year comes to a close two weeks later and all he’s got to show for it is an infuriated mother, a handful of kids who think he’s lost his mind and a near-infected lip.

it seems to be the last of his raging rebellion ― anger dispels, mischief takes its place. he ends up a trainee under one of the biggest idol companies in the country, and no one fully understands ― not even the other trainees, given the all work and no play expectations shaken by his all play and no work mentality. it feels like all the company employees have his picture and name on some secret list because every time something goes wrong, he’s the first to be questioned. not that he doesn’t deserve it, though; he’s the boy who convinces in-house chefs that yes, he’s supposed to be given bigger portions than everyone else, it’s a health condition. he’s the boy who disrupts practice hours by connecting his phone to blue-tooth speakers. he’s the boy who hides from his responsibilities in narrow, dim corners. he’s the boy everyone expects to drop out, or be kicked out ―

not to be selected for a competition show.

it clears his assumptions that the company has some kind of personal vendetta against him, but it doesn’t make him take the situation more seriously in any way. during his first personal interview, he’s asked, “what do you think you bring to the competition?” and instead of giving an immediate answer, he plays dumb. he doesn’t know why he does it. it’s an impulse, maybe meant to draw time out, make things a little more complicated than they have to be.

“this is a competition?” he questions, and after slowly nodding along to an explanation that he’d already heard an abundance of times, his answer is, “i’m bringing the spirit. i’ll make it fun.”

as the show progresses, the clueless act strengthens ― he’s always asking why, why, why, like a kid on a mission to irritate their parents. criticism sets in, both from instructors and at-home viewers. he hardly cares.

by the time that debut comes, everyone’s made their minds up about him already.

he’s shameless. he’s dense. he’s dumb.

he supposes that they’re not wrong, though; there’s certainly something shameless in the way he interrupts and talks over others, on a constant mission to steal the spotlight. it’s too much, he’s told. he’s too much. a reputation that follows him around for years to come, even once he picks some locks and sneaks his way right into the public’s hearts. he’s annoying in an endearing way, and after a bit of trial and error, he learns just the right ways to draw laughter from crowds ― decides that if he can just make people laugh, they’ll learn to love him. if he can bring a little bit of happiness, then the inconveniences that come with his presence will always be forgiven.

it’s this inherent trust in his ability to be forgiven that he continues to push his luck, break rules, let reminders go in one ear and out the other ―

he’s told that dating is discouraged, but dating fans is completely banned. naturally, his first girlfriend is someone he met at a signing. when he gets caught―not by a manager, but by a close friend―his excuse is that he didn’t know because she never explicitly stated that she knew anything about impulse. (a blatant lie, if her profile picture of their logo is anything to go by).

he sweet-talks his manager into letting him use his card for dinner, promises to return it soon ― then goes clubbing instead and buys rounds for the pretty girl who keeps one hand on his knee, then on his shoulder, then around his shoulders; getting closer and closer, then leaving as soon as he stops paying. (i was hungry, he lies, and i wanted something expensive).

he’s reminded well in advance to be prepared for one of impulse’s trips abroad, then waits until twenty minutes before boarding to reveal that he doesn’t know where his passport is. watches chaos unfold, and pulls his passport out of his pocket with five minutes to spare. “i guess i didn’t stick my hand deep enough in my pocket,” he shrugs, howling with laughter during a sprint across the building, convinced that his group and manager’s annoyance with him won’t last. 

he’s called out for scratching his head too much, comes across a compilation while sneaking around on stan twitter. he can hear a manager’s voice in the back of his head, telling him he should never post anything that could cause a scandal or address any rumors without consulting the company first. naturally, he spends three hours perfecting an apology letter for having lice ― something that isn’t true, but causes a minor stir all the same.

before he knows it, he’s twenty-four and he’s still too much, always too much. it doesn’t matter how mellow he thinks he’s becoming, the reminders that he needs to grow up seem to be lurking around every corner. he nods along absently, but nothing seems to change, and he only reveals the mature side of him―the part that became an adult long before adulthood hit―in fleeting moments, or when he’s with his closest friends.

in any other situation, he remains hwang daesung, the jester. the menace. the prankster. the inconvenience. whatever nickname is bestowed upon him, he’ll accept; he has no interest in telling people what they should or shouldn’t think of him. 

he never has.

[jadevassr]

JADE VASSER -- YATES TASK 003

BASICS

Full Name: Jade Elena Vasser

Meaning of Name: Stone of the side

Nickname: n/a, Jadie but she doesn’t love it

Birth Date: September 27, 1998

Astrological Sign and Details: Libra sun Aries Moon

Birth Place: Ashfield, Massachusetts

Age: 21

Nationality: American

Race: White

Hair Color: Brown

Hair Style: Wavy

Distinct Features of Face: Big eyes, small nose, American Girl doll teeth (lol)

Glasses or Contacts: No

Eye Color: Blue

Scars or Distinguishing Marks: n/a

Build or Body Type: slender

Height: 5′8

Weight: 120 lbs.

Speech Patterns: Stutters when she gets excited, sounds like Violet from the Incredibles

Tag Words: Any expletive

Gestures: Blinks a lot, talks with her hands, touchy

Weakness: Anything addictive

FAMILY AND CHILDHOOD

Mother: Martha Vasser

Father: David Vasser

Mother’s Occupation: Nurse

Father’s Occupation: Carpenter

Family Finances: Lower-class for most of her adolescence, doing just okay as of now

Birth Order: Youngest

Brothers: One - Logan Vasser

Other Close Family: Probably cousins!

Best Friend: UhhhHHHH

Other Friends: Winthrop and Kincaid students

Enemies: Everyone else

Pets: A stray cat named Marvin

Home Life During Childhood: She was a wild child! Oopsie! She constantly got into trouble and her parents never knew what the fuck to do. This is partly because of her mental illnesses. She had only gotten treated for ADHD as a child because of her hyperactivity, though her experience with medication fluctuates constantly. She very much didn’t care about school and was an Amma Preaker/tomboy type as a child and a wildcard as a teen.

Town or City Name(s) Where They’ve Live: Ashfield, MA

What Did His, Her or Their Bedroom Look Like: Covered in posters and pictures and drawings. Trinkets everywhere.

Any Sports or Clubs: Yearbook, soccer for a year before she injured another girl on purpose.

Favorite Toy or Game: Furbies

Schooling: Ashfield High, currently at Yates

Favorite Subject: English, Art

Popular or Loner: Loner

Important Experiences or Events: Got sexual assaulted in the woods when she was 14 by a few boys, had a couple similar experiences while casually dating in high school. Accidentally burning a man alive when she burnt down an abandoned church house while she was having a bad acid trip.

Health Problems: Untreated mental illnesses. Most likely BPD.

Religion and beliefs: Agnostic

PERSONAL

Bad Habits: Drinking, drugs, cigarettes, irregular sleep patterns

Good Habits: Creates often

Best Characteristic: Passionate

Worst Characteristic: Obsessive, off-putting

Worst Memory: See above

Best Memory: Being seven years old. Her childhood when her brother was her best friend.

Proud of: her art

Embarrassed by: her entire personality. She does not admit this.

Driving Style: Reckless but has a good record after mildly blackmailing the local cops via connections.

Attitude: Volatile. Often too eccentric. Generally energetic.

Fears: Losing control

Phobias: n/a

Secrets: See above

Regrets: See above

Feels Vulnerable When: she has to express her feelings with someone

Pet Peeves: Republicans, neoliberals, styrofoam, bad interior design, emails.

Short Term Goals and Hopes: Surviving

Long Term Goals and Hopes: Surviving

Sexuality: Bisexual

Exercise Routine: Skateboarding and eating shit

Day or Night Person: Both

Introvert or Extrovert: Extrovert

Optimist or Pessimist: Pessimist

LIKES AND PREFERENCES

Music: Experimental/electronic, 90s indie rock, pop music, etc.

Foods: Pasta!

Drinks: Cherry coke, coffee

Animals: Tigers, red pandas

Color: Red

Clothing: Lots of colors, big t-shirts, switches between 70s to 90s to Y2K

Jewelry: Weird earrings, lots of rings

TV Shows: Lots of anime, Twin Peaks, The X Files, Love Island

Movies: Daisies, House, Carrie, American Honey

Greatest Want: To be understood

Greatest Need: A reality check and therapy <3

LIFESTYLE

Favorite Possession: Her guitar

Significant Other Before: Fitz Montgomery (lol)

Relationship with Family: Civil... perhaps

Dream Career: Photographer/Artist

Dream Life: Travel around the world

Love Life: Confusing

Hobbies: Photography, drawing, making music, playing bass

Guilty Pleasure: Slim jims and gross energy drinks

Talents or Skills: This is random but she’s like very good at coding. She’s no programmer but this is something she picked up one time when she was bored. She’s also very good at (See Hobbies) and lying <3

Intelligence Level: Very smart! Surprisingly passionate but thinks academia is a scam

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

y’know the next time i go to the doctor (bc i have to get new prescriptions for my meds etc), i think i might ask about adhd and get to working on getting a referral to a therapist.

i think i should sort this shit out bc i can’t seem to focus on anything anymore and plus thinking about my behaviour in high school and some things that happened in primary school, i think i could’ve possibly had it but not known it bc i was undiagnosed.

like my old memories on fb seem to reinforce it bc everyone always described me as “hyper” or “crazy” in those lame “like this status and i’ll tell you what i like about you/give you compliments!” etc posts that were a trend when i was in mid-to-late high school. and it was mostly bc i did things without really thinking about the consequences, and covered it up with something like “live in the moment dudes!!!!!! why are all of you so up yourselves??? chill the fuck out and do stupid shit!!!” and then say weird outrageous shit like a show off. and as ive said before my marks were topsy-turvy asf bc i was always more focused on my english or drama assignments (especially with finding more & more ridiculous & complicated sounding synonyms for easier words in those said assignments; spending hours on dictionary/thesaurus.com and freerice.com).... while other subject assignments (mostly maths, sport & geography, religion, and sometimes science), as well as class work went completely undone.

i also had frequent habit of dramatically walking out of class in crying fits and stuff like that. then i’d spend the rest of that particular lesson having people comfort me or have a friend walk me down to the office and wait in “the purple room” in the school office that was really a counseling room for one of the teacher’s and the actual school counsellor. i had these meltdowns so often, in fact, that i was eventually given a “purple room card” that allowed me to go to that room in the office and chill there until i calmed down, or w/e the card said when i finally found it on the floor of my room in like 2015. and obvs in year 4 (outside of high school) i got sent to anger management in year 4. but by years 11/12 i’d learned to not have the meltdowns during classes bc it was seen as a disruption to the class (and it was in a way, when one of my friends would usher me down to the office and sit in that purple room with me... like they didn’t need to skip class with me) and also my own learning, so it was much better to do it at hone in my room at like 2am lmao.

although, sometimes those meltdowns were actually caused by my period pain (bc as i’ve said before on diff posts that my period pains in high school were unbearable), but i covered that with “oh but i can’t handle my workload!!!! 😭😭😭😭😰😰😰😰” and other stuff about idk feeling lonely???? which also led my year coordinator at catholic school to making a group for girls in my year group called the sunshine group (which i was then pretty mortified that she put me in bc “I AM the leader of the black parade and a killjoy! this is offensive!!!! 👩🏻‍🎤👩🏻‍🎤” although the rest of the group was mostly girls that had had fights in their groups or whatever, it focused on self-esteem issues and spreading happiness through the year group/school, by making cupcakes and doing laughing yoga or meditation. like it was a good initiative i’m ngl in hindsight lmao).

then i remember a guy in my homeroom making fun of me in like year 9 religion or something; bc i was obsessed with moshi monsters and obvs neopets (as usual) which he deemed as being “for babies” and not proper computer games like idek call of duty??? that he played. and the moshi monsters thing happened after i found their spinoff toys in big W bc they had the website on their tags. and one of my best friends decided to point out i wasn’t just “into moshi monsters” but instead i “was “OBSESSED” with moshi monsters in high school” a few weeks back now at our other best friends wedding planning dinner. although i do admit, in hindsight, that moshi monsters was probably aimed more at kids aged like 8-12 or something like that and not 14/15 year olds lmao.

and i remember the dude i had a crush on making what now seems to be as a jibe about me being “obsessed with harry potter. i mean, like, super obsessed with harry potter. like you’re too invested man” (when, ironically, he was my level of HP obsessed but instead with old cinema & game of thrones.... knowing all the behind the scenes shit or w/e).

and finally, i’ve had sleep problems for ages.... where i can’t go to sleep until like 1am or later so i have to dance it out to for while before i go to bed. like is that normal???

but yeah. idek maybe it is adding up and i should really see about it with a therapist. again i’m not self-diagnosing it’s just a musing.

also: don’t reblog this, please

[foofygoldfish]

A L L F I F T Y for Tilly :3

oh my god

also this is from literally two months ago whoops

Personal

1)      Age? 23!

2)      Gender? female

3)      Romantic/Sexual Orientation? lesbian

4)      Height? 5′6…ish? i swear i’ve said this before, but i can’t find it dslkfj

5)      Race? Half black, half white

6)      What do they look like? (i.e, hair color, eye color, etc): fiona nova!

7)      Any disabilities? No

8)      Is there a meaning to their name? she was named after her great-grandma, matilda!

9)      What makes them, them? she’s a major horse girl. major. and awkward as fuck, but also intensely curious about the world.

10)   What do they want to be when they grow up/what do they want to do with their lives? she wants to work with horses! she considered working in the clinic with her mom, but she really prefers it in the barns.

Family

11)   Do they have parents? What are they like and how do they act with their child(ren)? yes! her parents are hannah, who runs the clinic in jackson, and charlie, who teaches at the school! they’re both very caring, and have done their best to raise their children in this new world. 

12)   Do they have siblings? How do they interact with them? If not, do they wish they had siblings? she has an 8 year old sister, leticia! tilly is very protective of her - she knows that leticia can handle herself, but that’s her baby sister, y’know? also the two of them love gossiping in sign language - not many people in jackson are fluent, and they take advantage of that.

13)   Extended family? Do they see them often? unfortunately, no - hannah and charlie lost track of their families after the outbreak. tilly assumes that they’re all dead.

14)   Do they like where they live? (Is it a safe place?) yes! she does think it’s too safe, but that’s just her wanting to go on an adventure.

15)   Where do they live? Are they wealthy? Poor? Middle-Class? jackson, wyoming! i feel like pretty much everyone there is probably roughly around the same level? the norths were firmly middle-class before the outbreak though, and they do have one of the nicer/larger houses in town, just by virtue of being one of the first settlers.

16)   Do they have a lot of expectations/pressure on them from family to do great? nope - hannah and charlie would like her to do amazing things, of course, but they want their kids to be happy first and foremost.

17)   Do they have pets? yes lol - she has three dogs, a pit bull named timber, a german shepherd named grizzly, and a rotweiller named bear. they’re all giant softies. she has a horse as well, callie, and honestly thinks of all the horses in jackson as her own.

18)   Who do they look up to the most/are the closest to in their family? her mom. shes close to her entire family, but her mom.

19)   This there anything special about their family? i… don’t really think? before the outbreak, they were pretty average - a med student and an adjunct professor. 

20)   Do they wish they lived in a different family/household? nope. 

Friends

21)   Best Friend(s)? talisa york

22)   Who was their first friend? will and ben!

23)   What is their friend group like? .... small. tilly doesn’t really have any friends? she has will and ben, but they’ve drifted apart over the years. she’d still drop everything to help them in a heartbeat, but she’s not sure if they’d do the same for her.

24)   Do they have a love/hate relationship with any of them? ...see above?

25)   Do they consider any of their friends to be like siblings?  aaaand above

26)   Have they ever hurt a friend or lost one? not intentionally, but she had a very bad habit of speaking first, thinking later when she was growing up, and said some things that came out much harsher than she intended

27)   Do they have a crush on any of their friends? ...does talisa count?

28)   Do they share classes with good friends? she was in the same ‘grade’ as will and ben when they were still in school

29)   Whom do they go to the most when they need a shoulder to cry on? tilly, her mom, and maria

30)   What would this person do without their friends in their lives? uh. she handles it better than her parents expected, honestly?

School

31)   What grade are they in? If they aren’t in school, how come? ....she’s 23

32)   Do/Did they like their teachers? Was there a good one? Bad one? she did like him, but her dad was her main teacher lol

33)   Do/Did they listen to their teachers or are/where they goofing off a lot? yes, because her dad is really good at the disappointed dad stare and the disappointed teacher stare 

34)   Are/Where they a good student grade wise? she was average - didn’t really have the attention span to pay attention in class. 

35)   Do/Did they need extra help? a little, particularly with math

36)   What is/was their school like? it was pretty much a one-room schoolhouse when she started - there is an actual school building in jackson, but there weren’t enough students to justify spending energy on it at first. they moved into that building her last year.

37)   Do/Did they have bullies in school? ohhhh boy. school was rough. she was the weird kid who never quite fit in, and even in the apocalypse, kids are mean.

38)   Have they ever gotten into a fight at school? ...yes.

39)   Have they ever done something stupid/embarrassing at school? yes. no, she won’t tell you.

40)   How far do they plan to go with school? If they dropped out, do they want to go back? she graduated!

Other

41)   Are they dating anyone? Do they want to date? Are the married? Divorced? at the time of joel and ellie’s arrival, she’s dating talisa! they get married roughly a year and a half after the game.

42)   What is their favorite hobby? Do they keep it a secret? besides spending time with the horses? writing. she doesn’t talk about that much, though. mostly just tells the stories to the horses, or leticia, if she’s convincing enough.

43)   If they could have one thing in life, what would it be? to be able to travel.

44)   Do they work? If so, what is it? If not, are they looking for one or even want one? she works in the stables and the clinic!

45)   Do they use social media? no social media in the apocalypse 😔

46)   Have they ever been in the hospital? an official one? not since she was a baby. she’s had to go to the clinic for broken bones a few times since she started working in the barns, though.

47)   Do they believe in the supernatural, that there is more than the eye can see? she’s convinced the old school and the dam are haunted.

48)   What do they do when they get angry, stressed, or upset? cry. or she’ll get really quiet - that’s a dead giveaway that something is bothering her.

49)   Would they consider themselves as a good person, bad person, or morally grey? good.

50)   Does this OC have any part of you in them? (I.e, personality traits, similar background, etc) yuuuuup. as the resident Weird Kid with adhd/autism in my elementary school, i know what she’s gone through, and i really apologize to her because it really sucks... also, horses

[lovemesomesurveys]

1. If you found a baby turtle on the side of the road, would you pick it up and keep it? No. 2. Did you and your mum ever have a big fight that caused you to move out? Nooo. 3. Has the last person you kissed ever been to your house? Yeah, a few times. 4. Have you had a good day today or was yesterday better? It’s only 3 in the morning. We’ll see. I have a doctor appointment this morning; though, so it’s not going to start off great. 5. Do you have any plans for the upcoming weekend? Nope.

6. How about you, do you have a bf/gf? No. 7. Could you date someone very attractive, but who thought they were better than everyone else? Absolutely not. I wouldn’t give a shit how attractive they were if they were like that.  8. So do you have a best friend? Yes. 9. What would you do if your best friend kissed the last person you kissed? My mom would never do that. 10. Do you dislike anyone? No one I know. 11. Did you message your best friend today? No. I’ll see her later on, we live together. 12. Do you think you will be in a relationship two months from now? Nope. 13. Do you always feel like you’re making mistakes? Always. 14. How do you feel about your hair right now? I love the color since I just got it done a few weeks ago and it looks healthier since I got it trimmed, but still I hate that I don’t do anything with it besides throw it up in a pony tail. I’ve never been good at styling my hair, it never comes out good. I have long hair, it would be nice to actually do something with it. 15. Does anybody have a tattoo with your name on it? Well, I’m sure there’s people with “Stephanie” tattooed on them, but not anyone I know. 16. Who did you last see shirtless? An actor on TV. 17. How would you feel if you got the person you liked? I don’t like anyone in that way. 18. Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months without cheating? Yes. 19. Do you like to make the first move? Noooo. 20. Do you think you will ever be married? No. 21. Have you ever tried your hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end? I’m a big disappointment to myself and everyone else I feel like. 22. Is it possible to be single and happy? Yeah. I mean, I’m single and unhappy, but it’s not because I’m single. 23. Was the first person you talked to today male or female? It’ll be male (my brother). 24. Do you remember who you liked on New Year’s? No one. 25. Are you a morning person or a night person? I’m barely a person. 26. Could you go the rest of your life without drinking alcohol? I’ve gone 7 years so far and have no desire for it. 27. Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough? I’ve always felt that way. 28. Is there anyone who likes you? Not in the romantic sense. 29. If the last person you kissed saw you kissing someone else, would they be mad? Ha, no. They wouldn’t give a single fuck. 30. Do you understand football? I get there’s touchdowns... that’s about it. ha. 31. What’s the first thing you heard this morning? It’ll be alarm. D: 32. Who last called you beautiful? My hair stylist did after she finished with my hair.  33. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night? No. 34. How many kids do you want when you get older? Zero. 35. Are you the type of person who has a new boyfriend/girlfriend every week? Uh, no. I’ve been single for 7 years and haven’t even talked to anyone in that way in 4. 36. Ever been called a jerk/bitch? Yes, playfully. 37. Do you have feelings for anyone? Not romantic ones. 38. If you fell pregnant to the last person you kissed, what would you think? “Fell pregnant.” I’m a virgin and can’t have kids anyway, so. 39. What’s your full name? Stephanie is all you need to know. 40. Are you young or old? I’m old. 41. What’s the gender? I’m a female. 42. How’s your heart been lately? Physically, it’s fine.  43. Why aren’t you in bed? I am. 44. Did you do laundry today? No. 45. What kind of computer do you have? A MacBook Air. 46. Are there always other fish in the sea? So they say. 47. What can your tongue do? I can’t curl it or make a clover or anything. 48. What do you think your mum does when she goes out? My poor mom doesn’t do much outside of work, taking care of my family, especially me, and caring for a family friend. She hardly gets any time for herself.  49. Do chickens have feelings? Yes. 50. Do you think the body is the most beautiful thing that was ever made? We’re made in God’s image. I need to learn to love myself and my body, though, cause I definitely don’t. 51. So how are you feeling today? Blah. 52. Where is your sister right now? I don't have a sister. 53. Name five things you did today? So far just YouTube and surveys. 54. What kind of phone do you have? An iPhone XR. 55. What are you listening to? An ASMR video. 56. What do you smell like? Like me. 57. What colour are your eyes? Brown. 58. Have you ever done a Chinese fire drill? No. 59. Do you know someone named Betsy? No. 60. What colour is your mum’s hair? Black. 61. Do you have a dog? Breed? Name? Yes, a 3 year old German Shepherd/Lab mix named Princess Leia. <3 62. Do you remember singing any songs as a kid? Yeah. A lot of Barney songs, especially. 63. Are you married? Nopeee. I’m very single. 64. When was the last time you talked to one of your siblings? Last night.  65. Do you play an instrument? I played some piano back in the day. I regret not keeping up with it, though. I wish I took it more seriously. 66. Do you like fire? I like bonfires or fire in the fireplace. I love that autumn fire smell. However, you’ll never catch me lighting a fire. Not even a candle. I’m a big scardy cat. 67. Are you allergic to anything? Tangerines. 68. Have you ever been to a spa? Nope. 69. Do you miss someone? Always. 70. Views on premarital sex? I’m just waiting to be in a loving committed relationship. Someone I’m very comfortable with. He’ll have to be someone very patient and understanding. 71. What is a noise that you cannot stand? Eating sounds--slurping, smacking, sucking... I CAN’T. 72. Do you know how to do a cartwheel? I can’t do that. 73. What is the most you are willing to spend on a pair of sunglasses? I don’t wear sunglasses as someone who has to wear glasses because I’m basically blind without them. I’ve had the transitional glasses in the past, though. I don’t have them currently cause I didn’t want to pay for that. 74. Does your mum vacuum early in the morning while you’re asleep? No. 75. Do you shower naked? Uh, yeah?  76. Does wearing glasses really make people look smart? It can. Doesn’t make me look smart, though ha. I’m not fooling anyone. 77. Are you ADD or ADHD? No. 78. Do your band-aids have cartoons on them? No, we just have the boring plain ones. 79. Have you ever kissed someone you shouldn’t have? No. 80. In one word, how would you define yourself? Disappointing.  81. Tell me about a dream you had recently? Nah. 82. Who’s the funniest drunk person you know? I haven’t been around drunk people in a long time. 83. How did you feel when you woke up? I haven’t gone to bed, yet, but I know I won’t be happy when my alarm goes off. I have a doctor appointment in the morning. :/ 84. What was the first thing you thought of when you woke up this morning? It’ll be “ughhhhh I don’t want to get up.” 85. Name something great that happened on Friday? I don’t know, it’s Thursday. Ask me tomorrow. 86. When was the last time you saw your father? Last night. 87. Do you wish someone would call or text you right now? No. You know... it’s weird. I heard from Ty out of the blue yesterday for the first time in almost 5 years and it didn’t stir up anything in me like it would have in the past. 88. Have you ever been kissed by a person whose name starts with J? Yes. 89. Do you crack your knuckles? Yeah. 90. What were you doing twenty minutes ago? This. 91. You’re thinking about someone, aren’t you? I am now cause of that question where I talked about Ty. 92. Have you held hands with anyone in the past twenty-four hours? No. 93. What would you do if your partner still kept pictures of their ex? I would have an issue with that. 94. What if your partner went through your cellphone? I don’t want that kind of relationship. Like yeah, we should have nothing to hide, but still there’s just no reason for it. 95. What if your partner was flirting with another girl/boy? I’d most definitely have a problem with that and would say something. 96. Ever liked someone you thought you didn’t stand a chance with? Yes. 97. You want someone/something? I’m already looking forward to lunch. 98. Is there really a difference between Coke and Pepsi? There absolutely is. Coke all the way. 99. Is there any emotion you’re trying to avoid right now? I’m hungry, but it’s 330 in the morning and I’m not going to get anything. I’ll get something later after my doctor appointment. 100. Are there any mistakes with your recent ex you wish you could have changed? It really doesn’t matter anymore. 101. Has anyone ever been with you while you were throwing up? Yeah, my mom many times whenever I was sick. That’s even still to this day as an adult. One of my former friends was with me a few times after getting sick from a littleee bit too much to drink. :X 102. Background on your computer? Alexander Skarsgard. 103. Have you cried recently? Yes. 104. Who has hurt you the most? Myself. 105. Are you happy with where you are relationship-wise now? I’m perfectly fine with being single. 106. What language do you want to learn? I want to be fluent in Spanish. I should start practicing again, it’s been yearsss so I’m definitely rusty. 107. Your ex’s car breaks down and they ask you for a lift. Your response? I don’t drive, so I’d be of no help. 108. Would you hit a member of the opposite sex? I’d only hit someone out of self-defense.

[salmonandsoup]

3 deep seated personal issues: clowns, people, and Capitalism.

TRY AND GUESS MY PERSONAL ISSUES!

clowns?  sorta, but not really.  they can be both creepy and funny, but i’m not Mega Fuckin Unsettled.

capitalism?  who DOESN’T have an issue with it on here?  but like yeah, seeing people constantly panic about not eating or getting medicine when they should or having family suffering?  it hurts.  my hyper-empathetic ass can’t do shit and it hurts to hear and i can’t get away from it.

people?

well, yes, i was bullied REALLY badly IRL from 4th grade to about 9th grade because i was The Weird Girl Who Was Obsessed With Things—aka i had undiagnosed autism and ADHD, but kids will fucking smell mental illness on you and POUNCE like nothing else even if they don’t know what’s wrong with you. (like, just as a few things off the top of my head, a bunch of high schoolers manipulated me into saying some really nasty, lewd shit and i had no idea what i was truly saying because i was in 5th grade and super sheltered, a kid told me in 5th grade that everyone in my grade, if not the school, thought i was on drugs, kids threw shit at me and tried to hit me more than once all throughout middle school, and in 7th grade, i had to eat a brownie covered in barbecue sauce to sit at a table with kids that i thought at least tolerated me) i had a couple bad experiences in senior year, too (though they were nothing like middle school, thankfully).  

i was also in a very gray sexual experience from 12-14 years old, the happenings of which could feasibly be called sexual assault because while i was enthusiastically consenting, i had no idea what the fuck was going on, only that it felt good and therefore i wanted to continue.  the guy doing this with me was also 4 years older than me.  it took a (thankfully, completely unwarranted in reality) pregnancy scare as well as “the baby project” (where you had to jam keys labeled things like “food”, “burping”, “nap”, “playtime”, etc into a mechanical baby doll to get it to stop crying at certain intervals, and of course, i got the one that cried the most) to get me to stop and tell my mom about what was going on, and then i ripped myself a new asshole about it, calling myself a whore and a slut for a full year and a half afterwards because i dared like it.  my parents had already seriously considered signing me up for therapy, but that was the goddamn nail in the coffin.

i tried to evade the bullying online and ended up making quite a few toxic friends on here through that time period that only warped my sense of what it means to be a friend further into unhealthy territory and hurt me deeply.  one of my very first told me that i saved her life and she stopped hurting herself because of me, because she’d think of me when she wanted to.  great on the surface, heartwarming to think i could have such a positive effect, but it set a horrible precedent for martyring and self-sacrificing and feeling like i have to fix people so they can’t leave me, and then also feeling like i had to be perfect and didn’t deserve to claim to struggle with anything at all because i was white, middle class, and a cis straight girl (at the time—those last three things ain’t true anymore).  

another one was a friend of mine for five years who constantly made me delete roleplays and threads and fic ideas that we’d done because of her paranoia about being “caught” and “exposed” as some kind of “freak” (spoiler alert: it was all bullshit, but she was caught up in her own little world).  she also dumped all of her problems on me, and then was constantly worried about being abusive and apologizing in a guilt-trippy manner.  points for self-awareness in the wrong, roundabout way, i guess.

yet another was my ex-girlfriend who decided to tell me nine months into our relationship that i was giving her existential, religious crises all the time and making her feel like absolute dogshit, and i’d had no idea.  we stayed friends afterwards and i thought things were okay until her new boyfriend messages me out of nowhere telling me i needed to stay away from her because i was still making her feel horrible, and if i had a problem, to call him, because she was too much of a coward to tell me to my face and cut ties.

all that gave me debilitating social anxiety, depression, and CPTSD that i’m still working through to this day.  so yeah.  i guess people can be considered a “deep seated issue”, to be brief.