#she's second place on the list of people i'd like to hit with a brick

[arcadian-vampire]

Doctor appt today went okay! I shyly told him how my limbs keep turning red/purple and scaring me, so he took a look and he thinks I just have Reynaud's- nothing scary bad, thank goodness

[voskhozhdeniye]

Hm, thinking about that Fuck Buttons show has me thinking about other shows.

How about we talk about my first Swans show...

I was terrified to see them. At the time, I was on a NIN fan forum. Everyone who had went to see them talked about just how loud they were. I had constant ear infections as a child, so I have hearing problems. I was told to bring earplugs. The week before was that GY!BE show that my back fucked up before the opener finished. I was more afraid of my back fucking up than my hearing after that.

(Before I started typing this I searched the blog to see if I've written this before. Nothing came up, but I remember telling this part of the story on here before, maybe in a tag.)

I do not drive in the city often, and at that point in time I hadn't learned my way around yet. I didn't start that until the next year. My sister drove me up, we ate at a trendy hipster burger spot in a super gentrified area of the city. The burger spot was gone within a year or so.

At the restaurant, there was this LOUD group of, I was going to say 20somethings, but I was too at the time so.... My sister went and did her thing. The group followed me to the show.

Where they were loud as shit also. A Hawk and a Hacksaw opened, I don't remember much of their set. I thought it was interesting and said I'd check them out further, but never have.

In between sets, I put the ear plugs in.

This was the tour for The Seer, but the set was already To Be Kind heavy.

About halfway through To Be Kind I realized oh, this is going to build until it explodes. That first blast felt like a brick to the face. In a curiosity tempting the cat moment, I took the earplugs out. I never put them back in. Swans are loud, but it's the physical force of it.

The first half of the live version of Avatar is completely different. The ending is like what's on the album but is extended with heavy percussion. At the end, when they hit that outro, it felt like someone threw hot water on me. I cannot stress how much you physically feel it. I checked out mentally after that. I have no memory of She Loves Us at all. Which is wild, because I love the live version and hate the studio recording.

I barely remember Coward. I was deeply in love with that song at the time.......and was glad that was the lone older song that got a place in the set. I think after that tour anything before The Seer was dropped.

.......They did Helpless Child on the tour before and I didn't go because I wasn't really into them like that. Pray for me, I'm going to look up what that tour's DC show set was....Beautiful Child but no Helpless Child.

I vaguely remember The Seer. I don't remember if it was that The Seer/Bring The Sun/Toussaint L'Ouverture version like what's on Not Here/Not Now. If it was, that's why I don't remember. That shit is amazing.

I don't remember Nathalie Neal at all.

The Apostate I remember. Before they started, Gira proposed everyone take off their cloths and dance.

As the show went on, the people who rushed to be near the front of the stage slowly moved back away from the stage, leaving no one front and center. I mean an entire large circle of empty space in front of Gira.

So I went up there and stared into Norm Westberg's soul. He attempted to do the same to me, but I was not in my right mind, and he had to look away.

That group of friends attempted to talk during the set. They quickly realized that wasn't happening. I think they left.

My first two Swans shows were at the Black Cat. Their main stage is on a second floor. There's a bar, a games room and a smaller second stage downstairs. I saw Dawn of Midi downstairs.

Because you're not on a ground floor, you feel every vibration. I have fibromyalgia, leaving out of those shows felt like I had gotten a full body massage.

Since this is just going on and on....

I talked about Gira and the rape allegation in my end of year list the year that happened, 2016 I think. I believe I said I was disappointed but not surprised, and pointed to the abuse you hear him putting Jarboe through on You See Through Me. I always say about that song that while I appreciate the honesty, goddamn you.

I deleted all of Kanye's music off my hard drives last year. A few of the CDs are still here somewhere, but I'd have to dig to find them. 20 years ago he was the most important musician in my life. Him and Lupe were rappers who looked like me and shared common interests. Kanye was out here sampling Aphex and Can HELLO! That was really important at a time when I needed it.

Today is Michael Brown's birthday. Before Ferguson, I was going down a similar path of anti-blackness as Kanye. I don't know what it is for him, but for myself. To be the Black kid who gets othered by other Black kids means you'll go looking for friends anywhere. Even the white kids who call themselves your friend, but treat you like shit. Anything is better than being alone. After years of that you hate yourself, everyone treats you like you're inferior. All the hardships of being Black in America, but not considered Black enough for your peers. You realize the common denominator is your your skin color, so what do you attack? My sister is 51, when she was in high school, she had a classmate who tried to bleach his skin with household bleach. He gave himself chemical burns.

Autumn 2014 almost killed me. The week before Michael's death, a family member who I worked with died. Our working together made him the closest family member I had. Then the Ferguson protests sparked up. Then a lot of white people started explaining to me what is and isn't racism. The same way a lot of people nowadays are explaining to me what is and isn't genocide. I realized that a lot of the white people I was devaluing myself for didn't even see me as human.

I almost killed myself that autumn. I deleted the old blog and everything. I decided. I had my plan and everything. In the week leading up, I started to get sick. I lost 10 pounds in 6 days. The cognitive dissonance that people are going through right now with Gaza I was going through in 2014.

Ferguson killed that anti-blackness path quickly. The emotions from the neglect from that time in my life will always be here. In fact, it pops up in new and interesting ways every year. But the anti-blackness path it was leading me down revealed the dead-end. I hate that Michael Brown's death is what introduced me to what structural racism is. Just like how Gaza is illuminating colonialism for me. In both cases I knew beforehand, but seeing just how interconnected they are to what's considered normalcy is.........................

I say all of this so I can circle back around.

For almost a decade now, I have been trying to distance myself from Gira and his music. While I have succeeded to a degree, I've had major upheaval in my taste of music within the last three years. Gira's art is still important to me.

Sometimes I wonder what that says about me.

I never listened to last year's album. Covid might stop me from ever going to any show ever again.

Have A Nice Life are coming in July.

I'd like to shake Dan's hand and tell him thank you for giving me the courage to buy a synth. I doubt I'll go.

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP meme from Scream Queens Ep 1 "Pilot" & Ep 2 "Hell Week"(Note: Offensive content, use at own discretion)

Something really bad happened.

Did you just get your period all over yourself?

This isn't my blood.

Who told you you could have a baby here tonight?

I'm sure I can walk if I can just get some Gatorade.

I don't care if you can walk.

How are we supposed to get you to the front door without everyone seeing you all gross and postpartum?

No one wants to see that at a party.

This is super embarrassing.

I didn't even know I was pregnant.

You guys, they're playing "Waterfalls."

Is that a baby? Amazing.

I am not missing "Waterfalls" for this. "Waterfalls" is my jam.

Give the baby some mojito to quiet it down.

How do you know she's dead?

These are my minions. I don't know their names. I don't want to know their names.

I have a colonic at 10

Life is a class system.

Oh, still a lot of puke to scrub.

Yeah, you have an amazing skill at telling people what they need to hear.

I'm sorry. Did I ask you to pull down my panties and blow a compliment up my butt?

I hate sororities, and I hate you.

First of all, I'm not a lesbian.

You see, out in the real world, people just don't talk that way to other people. It's not normal.

Well, that sure sounds suspicious.

No one forced that goat to get as drunk as it got.

Historically, short people are sneaky backstabbers, like Napoleon or Paul Shaffer.

I could actually handle that you're built like a Thai ladyboy, but what I can't stand is that you think you're my heir apparent.

Don't you want me to spray-tan you?

I would honestly rather not have you around.

The police still can't figure out who filled that tank with hydrochloric acid.

It's good enough for me, and the D.A., who, last I heard, considers the case closed.

What is that skirt?

Your organization might want to find a lawyer.

I'm a pretty smart cookie.

I would not get personal with me, sweetheart.

I don't fight fair.

I am sentimental.

Look, girls are vicious, okay?

I don't have any of my own memories.

Just like we planned. Three-second silent hug, and then you leave.

Ooh, somebody call CSI, because there was a murder scene in that bathroom.

Someone puked in the sink and I'm pretty sure I saw an actual ringworm climbing up the wall. I'm not afraid of anything, but that bathroom scared the crap out of me.

This is gonna be a year of infinite possibilities.

Hold this. It's too heavy.

You didn't knock!

Look at them. They're the dregs of society.

Each one of these gashes is worse than the next.

She smells like hot dog water, and probably sprained her neck giving blumpkins down at the local bowling alley.

Look, I'm not saying that all heterosexual sex is rape. I'm saying all heterosexual sex is gross, and that deep down, every woman knows this.

All that girl's after is a whole lot of bikini burger.

Hey, girl, can I just ask you, what's up with your outfit?

God knows what they're talking about, basic bitches.

What fresh hell is this?

I need you to stay popular, 'cause if you want to stay at the top of the list of the pieces of ass I'm getting, there's criteria. And the criteria is you got to be popular.

Okay, I'm gonna stop you right there, because I'm getting really pissed off.

Stop fake crying.

Anyone you dated would be popular. I mean, they would be popular because they're dating you.

My ego, it's super strong, ok, but it's not strong enough that I can just go around dating garbage people.

Like, yes, I could find a random girl who wasn't popular, and, yes, if I started dating her she would then become popular.

But you said you loved me.

I do sort of love you.

I would love you a lot more if other people loved you, too.

Okay, I need you to leave because you're bumming me out

We're just trying to have a nice day hitting golf balls at hippies.

Pretty girls, like you and me.

That's why I'm gonna burn your face off.

Ugh! You burned the milk!

Next time, I get you fired, or worse.

Actually, I just want a regular coffee. Those white girl pumpkin spice lattes annoy me.

I like to think of myself, uh, as an investigative reporter.

I had to get a restraining order.

I tend to get a bit passionate about things.

Look, you intentionally led me on.

You kept acting like you liked me just so you could humiliate me.

Enter, ye who dare.

I love a creepy collage.

It's about kicking the living crap out of someone when they disrespect you.

I was just in your room, where I noticed you have a sizeable shrine with evil burning candles, photos of me with my face scratched out and pairs of my stolen panties.

How about I just drown you in it?

Well, of course she's dead! You just burned her face off!

You don't die from getting your face burned off.

There's a dead woman in your kitchen.

I'm going to the authorities.

That's not how I saw it. And my witnesses agree.

You're an awful person.

Who wants cocktails?

How did my life turn into this?

Have you seen the way girls dress on this campus?

I'm sitting in the same office I used to throw bricks into.

You're awful in bed. Are you aware?

I'm gonna take a pair of your panties.

I'm gonna barf on your face unless you get out of here.

Try to figure out who gave you such disgusting mommy issues.

You loaded a dead body into a freezer.

What are you proposing?

I want to help you with your exposé, secretly feed you info.

You need eyes on the inside.

I don't know what to do with the body.

Are you saying dead bodies don't turn you on?

You are so lame, you know that?

God, I love all that death stuff.

Show me the body.

Show me the dead body.

This blood oath will ensure solidarity among us. We are all related now.

I just Googled "blood oath" and this is what came up.

What does this oath even mean?

I just need you all to not say anything about what happened, and I figured a blood oath was cheaper than buying you all presents.

Wait, what about STDs?

Idiot, you don't get STDs from blood oaths.

You get STDs from dirty toilet seats and drinking the water in Mexico.

Um, "STD" stands for "sexually transmitted disease," which means that it's transmitted sexually.

When were you in Mexico?

You know what, forget the blood oath.

I can't stay silent!

I'm calling my mom, and I'm going home.

Okay, Pissy Spacek, you and I have a few differences we need to iron out.

I want you to be one of my minions.

It's the gateway to the top of the heap.

You put on a good front, but you're miserable.

Don't you think any of that has anything to do with the fact that you've created an atmosphere based solely on negativity and raw ambition?

Can we talk for real for a second, please?

I mean, you're so confident without being mean. What antidepressants are you on?

Don't you see that all that's happened isn't a crisis? It's an opportunity.

Yeah, no, I tried. See, I really tried. But all of this flowery, peace-on-Earth crap, it makes me want to puke.

You haven't even seen half of what I'm capable of!

Totally spit in your coffee, bitch.

I don't mean to be a contrarian, but I'm enjoying this.

Is that killer noises or am I hallucinating?

I'm gonna ask one more time, will you speak up?

What can you tell us about the murder?

There's an exodus right now.

The risks are real, but we need to close ranks.

I don't feel comfortable with a man protecting me. It's representative of the patriarchal, post-colonial culture that encourages violence against women.

We buy a pig and feed it the body. Pigs will eat anything.

Don't go skating on those poop lagoons, because if you fall in, you'll drown in the poop and come springtime, there'll be nothing left of your body.

Here's what you should do. Pulverize her teeth, burn off her fingerprints, and disfigure her face. Once her body is unrecognizable, we can create an incision on her inner thigh and drain out all of her bodily fluids. That'll give us more time to deconstruct the body.

Truly grinding down a body takes a lot of work. You need a really good food processor, and you run the risk of fouling the plumbing, which is why you should only do it if you know how to clear out meat and bones from a drain pipe.

I'm willing to help in any way possible.

You're obviously a psychopath and those ideas are insane!

Why are you trying to terrify us?

Can I call you Mom?

I feel so loved and protected by all of you.

Actually, it's a new pop culture trend where young women desperately in need of role models call other girls they look up to Mom.

I thought you'd be cool with it.

I mean, I did just give you several ways to dispose of a body.

Okay, fine. Just stop talking.

You are so friggin' creepy!

Someone just mowed off a deaf girl's head in our backyard.

I mean, as you can see, I'm not licensed to carry a sidearm.

Wait, so you don't have a gun?

I have pepper spray. And I have a walkie talkie that I can use to call the police, who do have guns.

What good are you?

Get the hell out of there. Run away, real fast.

Now, I would give you my number, but my cell phone is off right now.

If you want the place clean, maybe you shouldn't have burned the maid's face off.

Don't you wonder what's in there?

People have been whispering about that house for years, that it's haunted, that something really bad happened. I mean, there's no way there isn't some real-life story behind it, right?

I'm gonna have to break in.

I mean, I don't think anyone's gonna get killed in the 30 minutes we make out, right?

Can you stop talking?

You're kind of ruining whatever was good about it.

Please try to understand the situation I'm in.

I don't give a rat's ass about your job.

You know, I find good parenting incredibly attractive.

You're a snoopy little bugger.

Whose bloody clothes are those?

Supposedly, it was a super fun party.

We're all gonna pay for this.

I think it's all crap. Just a myth.

What happened to the baby?

Sometimes I picture myself like Derek Jeter, you know?

I'm gonna choke you out.

There's a serial killer on the loose.

Please don't say you want to choke me.

I'd love having sex with your corpse.

I'm sorry. This isn't working for me.

Well, I sort of am your boyfriend, and I'm protecting you by having sex with you.

No! I don't need a man to protect me.

How could I have wasted this much time?

Is my self-esteem really that low?

I'm sorry. I think we need to take a break.

I need you to leave right now!

You know, it would really help me feel better if I could just crawl into bed with you for a few minutes.

Are you gonna touch my wiener, or you gonna leave my wiener alone?

I'll leave your wiener alone.

Where are your hands?

He has a huge boner!

Why don't you go in there and ogle his big old boner?

Okay, uh, first of all, I'm not gonna go ogle his big old boner, because I'm not gay.

Look, I'm sorry everybody wants to have sex with me. Okay? I can't help that.

I'm hot. Everybody wants to get with this. Women, men, animals in the zoo, plants, probably.

You're gonna have to go right now, 'cause I am breaking up with you.

Excuse me, I broke up with you!

I regretted what I said, and I just wanted to come here and tell you that I am so sorry.

Well, I accept your apology. And now I'm breaking up with you.

Do you know why I'm breaking up with you?

You can't deal with how hot I am.

Sorry, I just broke up with you.

Can you please put some clothes on?

Um, they said, uh, I shouldn't be alone, you know, in case I fall asleep and die.

Can I just get you a robe or something though?

So you're saying I'm the killer?

Okay, this isn't about me thinking you're boyfriend material.

God, I was so gonna go to third base with you tonight, too.

What if we stapled their earlobes?

Private like the parts on a man you like putting in your mouth?

I want to publicly come out as gay on my own.

I mean, you guys have to accept everybody, right?

I actually think that's illegal.

I will come after you, do you understand that? I will destroy you.

I trust you'll consider my offer.

Name one bad thing that ever happened at a Best Buy parking lot.

You're just, like, super attractive.

Um, well, I was trying to be inconspicuous.

It's better than losing your life.

I have a thing for playlists.

Someone's got a poo belly.

Sweet Yeezus, I don't even know where to begin with you.

Bitch, I'm about to smack you so hard, your tampon's gonna pop out.

I heard screaming.

So you think the serial killer is still up there?

Upstairs to get the killer before he gets away!

You just said that you think the killer is up there, and that's where you want to go?

This is freakin' terrifying!

The killer is in the house! You hear me?

I need my damn inhaler.

What, am I supposed to be scared?

Don't even come out. We plan on getting drunk, and I don't want your bad attitude ruining it.

We're headed down to White Stallion to pick up some sluts, baby!

Yes, okay, I burned her slightly, but stop saying that I killed her.

That was a tragic accident.

I am a kind and devoted and loving friend to all.

I'm not some crazed psychopath.

Maybe you're the killer.

I will not be put on trial.

The truth is we don't know who the killer is, and, yes, I suppose it could be someone in this room.

You want to go first?

I banged, like, 50 chicks.

What took you so long?