#she’s gotten every externship she’s applied for

[orcinus-veterinarius]

One of my best vet school friends just got offered an externship at a major US aquarium a few minutes ago and I’m still waiting to hear from them so 🤞🤞🤞🤞🤞

[thisnerdsadventures]

On being enough

For most of my freshman and sophomore year, I never felt like enough. Even two days before my internship at literal G00Gle, I recall wondering whether or when I'd ever stop feeling like I needed to chase some goal that was always moving further and further into the distance, from getting into the top colleges, to chasing the top internships, and to.... to what? Would I feel pressure to be the top “intern”???? How ridiculous would that be? What does that even mean??? And I would then drown in self-doubt about how ridiculous the thought even was and why I couldn’t be good enough for myself.

Looking back, I wish I knew and internalized that I was doing all right and that I was doing enough. From my sophomore IAP, when I got rejected from Jane Street Insight and GTL and every externship I applied to, to even freshman spring when I saw people getting internships left and right and I couldn't get a single interview. To sophomore spring, when I had secured a really great internship for the summer, yet 6.046 constantly made me feel like I was never enough, that I still needed to get better. It felt like a constant race to some light at the end of the tunnel. But I never really knew what that light or that tunnel I was in was.

That attitude isn't all bad - a drive to always improve is generally a good thing. But I've had to learn how to recognize that what I've done and what I've been able to accomplish is enough to be proud of myself for. That didn't come until after my sophomore summer when I had finally broken out of the MIT bubble. The bubble is sometimes good - the people are amazing and you learn a lot and are constantly pushed. But the bubble also encourages this idea of "look at what all these other people are doing!! And what are YOU doing.... hmmm?" After that summer, the voice in my head started changing to "Oh. I guess what I am doing is generally decent and in the grand scheme of things, pretty cool." I started getting actual positive feedback from my intern managers who thought I was doing a great job, and, at the time, I was /shook/ to hear anything positive about myself.

Being enough on the academic side was one thing, but even as a human, it was hard to believe I was ever doing enough. From balancing time between friends/family and getting exercise and eating well, I always felt like I was on the brink of having it crumble to the floor during my sophomore year. I rarely had it together, I was waking up at 1pm on weekdays, eating 1.5 meals a day, and forgetting to call my parents more often than remembering. Some people in my life made me feel like I wasn’t doing enough to support them, even though I was already stretched completely thin. I constantly felt like a shitty person. But with the circumstances and what I was going through at the time, it was all I could do, and that's enough. I know that now. I got up out of bed. I finished my classes. I survived. 

And once things got better in junior spring, I found myself able to do more, to wake up earlier, to maintain a healthier lifestyle, to call my family more. The types of people I surrounded myself with changed, and with that, the things demanded of me were lightened and I felt relief as I could put back together the various pieces of my life. People dragging me down turned into friends pushing me forward. Getting through every day became getting through every week, started becoming looking forward to the weekend, started becoming looking forward to the week, and finally became looking forward to every day. My productivity increased dramatically, but that isn’t to say that I wasn’t doing enough back during sophomore year - I was doing the most given whatever I was faced with at the time, and that’s enough.

Starting my MEng research now in COVID has been really hard to say the least, but recognizing that what I've accomplished (albeit not nearly as much as I'd wanted or expected) is enough. I think sophomore me would be drowning in self-doubt right now, fixating on everyone else seeming to float on by doing great, wanting to drop out or stay wallowing in self-pity. Not that I haven't been, but after a couple months, I've recognized that there are some things out of my control, like the literal pandemic and constant sense of national chaos. And how I've never been so burnt out, as I haven't had a break in nearly a year, especially when summer actually took a toll rather than refreshed me given the emotional and mental burden of whatever every day of summer 2020 decided to be. And oh how difficult it actually is to ramp up to a new job or new degree program remotely. And that when I need fifteen hours of sleep after literally two hours of work, it's probably a sign that I am just tired and getting through this degree program, although doing much closer to the minimum of what's expected than what I usually can do, is ENOUGH. And that is ok.

So even though I spent the majority of my last two years doing pretty well and having my “enough” mean slightly more than what it had been previously, COVID came and dragged me back down to calling my “enough” being able to get out of bed and produce one (1) productive thing out of the day. And that is ok, because quite frankly, it is a really f’d up time and we ought to celebrate every small thing we get done in these times and stop beating ourselves up about all the things we didn’t get done. It didn’t feel great to have to consciously go back to the getting through “one day at a time” mentality, but it’s what I needed to get through these pandemic times, and that’s ok.

I think a couple things led to this kind of character development - 1 being breaking out of the bubble and consistently remembering to break out of it every now and then through internships or externships or other opportunities and 2 being surrounding myself with people of different interests, majors and goals, especially those that hype up every small thing you accomplish (even the ones you've forgotten/overlooked), which are actually also quite impressive to accomplish. A lot of that helped me reframe my mentality over the past couple years, and I’m really thankful that I got to do that, especially before this pandemic, otherwise I think I’d be struggling a hell of a lot more than I already am (and I definitely already am). It’s still definitely an ongoing active effort to remind myself every day that hey, I am enough and I am doing enough. But I’m getting there, and I have good people around me to keep me there.

I remembered this point today because around this day 3 years ago, I was on a bus to a Celtics game when I got the call with my G00gle offer. Prior to that, I had just gotten rejected from literally every company except for one (1), got rejected from INSIGHT, got rejected from clubs, externships, and was fighting really hard to keep up in 6.006 and (likely) crying every week, and I look back and want to go back in time to pull my past self up and tell her that she was already doing great, that she was killing it in the UROP game, that she was trying out the clubs she did get into, and that’s already an accomplishment to try new things, that getting flown out as a sophomore is A BIG DEAL and not to be understated even if I didn’t get the offer, and that I recognized every spare moment I had was dedicated to trying to check on the people around me, and that was a very admirable thing to do, even though people didn’t seem to think I was putting in enough. I want to go back to her and tell her that she was doing enough.

[aresurrectionfern]

January 11, 2019

Just looked back at my Lifesum for the past week and I was shocked to see how many calories I’d eaten. Even though it was usually under the recommended limit, I figured out that the app adjusts your calories to a higher limit when you exercise. So in effect, you think you can eat more. I’ll definitely have to be more careful of that in the future.

Went to pluckers with Daniel and had a Cobb salad. It wasn’t the healthiest in the menu, but it seemed like it was full of healthy fats and I definitely limited the sauces which kept the calories and unhealthy fats lower. The waitstaff got our totcho order wrong twice and the second time, we actually found a bread tie in our dish lmao. They have literally gotten something wrong on our order every time we have gone there. Twice they gave us the wrong wings, once they gave us the wrong sauce, and they’re constantly forgetting to give us the sauce on the side. One time we waited two hours for our food because they were waiting for a new box of tots to come in lmao. It’s almost to be expected by now. Nevertheless we left a good tip. Anyway next time we go there I’m gonna get a more balanced salad with fewer fats and I’m gonna pick less on the apps Daniel and I share (really, he should just be eating them on his own). But it was good though!

Babysat Liam and Lilah before that and we had so much fun. Lilah and I played a lot and I talked to her a lot so she really opened up. She had me running around all over the place. Then Liam’s friends went home after playing football and we started playing together. Lilah literally kept forgetting the rules and kept handing off the ball to people who weren’t in her team. But it was fun. Then I saw a little girl who I had literally taught as a toddler when I was a preschool teacher! It was so freaking weird. She was so much older and like, looked the same but was taller and talked in full sentences lmao. Of course I didn’t talk to her and she didn’t know me but it was just so weird to see her after teaching her and seeing other kids I used to teach like in 2014. I think I’ve seen like three kids I used to teach in the last four years. I always see this one kid’s mom all over town, literally like 5 times. Sometimes she’ll just be sitting at the same coffee shop working or at the same restaurant. I think she recognizes my face but probably just can’t remember exactly how she knows me because I taught her kid when he was literally 2 and it was so long ago. I’m also awkward about things like that so I never approach her. I kind of want to get better about that, like having conversations with people even if it’s been a long time since I last saw them or even if they’re just an acquaintance. It’s weird to think that maybe you have an effect in people’s lives because of what you do- like being a teacher or a doctor or a nurse or really anyone- and maybe you made a difference.

I got an email today from the department about graduation and we have an official day set: May 19. I’m still not really to be out and about bad I have a ton to learn but I’m ready to earn money, have some stability, have more mature friendships, and develop a healthy routine with diet and exercise. I still need to ask my prof about auditing one of my classes and pay my tuition for the semester. People in my cohort are also looking into jobs and I’m like... really paralyzed by that. Maybe when I start my last externship in a week I’ll get back into the swing of things and feel more motivated to look into them. Part of me is hoping that my extern supervisor may give me some help about applying and we’ll develop a lasting professional relationship. I definitely need those! My strategy is to just be really honest about my needs and experience and it worked in the past with my last supervisor! I definitely wish we had become more close though. A part of me was always really afraid and intimidated by the people I worked around in the hospital and I didn’t want to burden them, so I didn’t ask them/talk as much with them as I really wanted to. But I’m hoping the school setting this semester will be significantly less intimidating and the people will be really open and professional.

I’m worried about not being able to make it on time every morning since it’s hella far and work starts early (elementary schools -_-). I’m also worried it’s gonna be difficult to meal prep every week. I’m worried my professor won’t let me audit the class and I’ll be faced with the weird possibility of taking the class and being burdened with tests/papers I don’t need vs not taking the class and not getting valuable info I want to learn. I’m also worried that my work/life balance will be off and I’ll get snappy at people when I’m stressed. But besides all that, I’m really excited about transitioning into this new era of my life when I’ll almost be fully out of school and working in my dream job. And buying a new home and being able to nest and make it my own. And maybe... having my own babies. I’m excited and scared for it all, but mostly excited. Which is a huge shock. When I graduated college, when I decided to do post-baccs, when I decided to pursue a grad degree in a new field... I was always more afraid than excited, simple because I didn’t want to be away from my security blanket: school. The only thing I have ever thought I was decent at. The only thing that made me feel like a really person and like I was doing anything “worthwhile.” Soon I’ll be pushed into the work world again where I have to create my own meaning even though everyday is the same and I’m not meeting new people all the time. The whole thing is crazy! But as crazy as it sounds... I might be ready.

[fuckyeahmarvey]

Personal PSA

So I’ve been getting a lot of messages lately about my absence from tumblr lately and frankly I’ve been ignoring them. I’m sorry to everyone out there. I know it’s because you all care about me but I just didn’t have the energy to deal with them/anyone. I feel really bad about it though so I decided it’s time to stop ignoring everything and talk to you guys. As I’ve really only gotten the same repeated questions instead of answering each one I’m gonna explain everything under the cut bellow for those wanting to know about what’s going on with me.

For the last I wanna say six or so months (it started around August) I’ve been dealing with my frankly horrible depression and anxiety coming back. I don’t like to talk about it with anyone (accept one person ladysnowstorm my best friend). I went through this once before where it was really bad. So much in fact I stopped writing and still haven’t started again.

Now it’s not like I’m depressed all the time I have my ups and downs but it has made it more difficult to get involved in the things I love; Suits, this fandom, and my blog being some. I haven’t read fanfiction, well since Christmas, and my gift was the only one I’ve read in a very long time. I used to love making gifs and coding and now it seems like a chore. Even watching the episodes isn’t what it was. Work, especially this last month, has been my own personal hell. I had to take time off of school. And I’ve even stopped talking with most of my friends regularly. I tell everyone I’ve been busy but it’s been a lie.

I’ve also been dealing with a lot of bad news. Due to the Trump administration hiring has been frozen in all federal job positions meaning every job (FBI (my literal dream job), CBP, Postal Investigative Unit…) I was in the running for has terminated my application and it looks like by the time they reopen I will be too old to apply. I lost my NYPD spot because of technical issues which well sucks especially since they where my fall back plan. I can’t find an externship due to issues. I recently had to kick out my roommate who turned out to be crazy and terrifying. I’m still trying to get over that. She destroyed a lot of stuff. I’m in a bit of a financial hole so affording food is hard. I’m not trying for sympathy or anything like that I just want to be honest for those who have been so concerned.

I’m just tired all the time, exhausted dealing with people, anxious all the time, and stressed. I’ve snapped at my friends and coworkers. And just haven’t wanted to deal with well life in general.

I guess that’s all I have to say about it but I’m going to answer the repeated questions I’ve been getting:

Are you okay?

My reaction is to say I’m fine but I’m trying to be honest with you guys so no not really. I will be eventually I know this is just something I have to get through.

Are you still running fuckyeahmarvey?

Yes, I love this blog and the fandom. I’m not leaving I’m just not being quite as social right now.

Are you going to liveblog the last two episodes/post them?

Yes I will be. Sometime this week so be on the look out.

Are you going to make gifs again?

Eventually I hope so but right now I just don’t have the energy to.

Are you still taking prompts?

Yes, however I don’t know when/if I’ll get to them but I am saving them.

Are you and Aqua okay? I haven’t seen much going on with you two on tumblr lately?

She and I are a pair as always though the lack of activity is due to me. As I said above I’ve been out of touch lately.

The 100th episode is coming up are you going to do something for that?

Yes, Aqua and I are working on something for you guys, the whole fandom in fact. She’s being very patient with me.

As for my plans for the future as I said above I plan on finishing the season and liveblogging. I want the blog to get back to the normal runnings after I watch the final episodes. Then it just might be more queue than anything for a while.