#she’s been sleeping more and her appetite has declined so it’s like ok what now

[forbidden-interlude]

This year is the first time I’m traveling somewhere that’s not back home and the guilt is creeping up on me cuz I’ve only traveled between home and America. I mostly go home to see my grandmother who helped raise me but this year I decided to use most of my pto to go elsewhere and it’s soo weird lol.

I’m back home rn and like my grandmother isn’t getting any younger and the cancer isn’t going away so it’s almost like I’ve been grieving her while she’s still here and it’s also why I’ve always used all my pto to go back home. Anticipating death is such a weird emotional experience especially someone so close to you. Idek what the point of posting this is, I think I’m just emotional and this is my public diary 😭

[imitranslates]

Fukigen na Mononokean Ch. 70

Finally a peek into Sakae’s past, and maybe a storm brewing in the background?

Please remember to check out the official English release when it comes out, preferably on Crunchyroll if you’re able to!

The newest chapter can be read on the official website by clicking the yellow button labeled 読む!

Fukigen na Mononokean Chapter 70 - Sunflow

Page 3

Neighbor: Good evening.

Dog: Woof, woof!

Nara: Good evening.

Dog: Whine, whine...

(Could you please tell me what you know about Ashiya Sakae back when he had gold hair and eyes?)

Page 4

Demon: Kyuukyuu...

Demon: Kyuu!

Ashiya: Furyuu-san!

Furyuu: Kyu.

Page 5

Ashiya: If there's anything on this food menu

that you want to eat, please tell me!

Furyuu: Kyuu!

(Ashiya: There's Japanese food, Western food, and Chinese food.)

Furyuu: Kyu!

[A karaoke place has private rooms, so no one will bother us...]

Furyuu: Kyuu...

Mononokean: "Before I go the Underworld, I want to eat delicious food from the Mundane world! Kyuu!"

Is what our client says.

[And the menu is expansive, so it's the perfect place for him to enjoy a dinner!]

Page 6

Furyuu: Kyu!

Ashiya: Pizza!

Furyuu: Kyu!

Ashiya: Chinese fried rice!

Furyuu: Kyu!

Ashiya: Yakisoba!

Furyuu: Kyu!

Ashiya: Fries and onion rings...

Abeno: ...Will you be able to eat that much...?

Phone: Ring, ring!

Furyuu: !?

Abeno: !

Furyuu: Kyu!

(Abeno: This ringtone belongs to...)

Page 7

Phone: (continues ringing)

[Mom]

Ashiya: !

Ashiya: ......

Page 8

Ashiya: Excuse me.

Abeno: ...?

Abeno: Is it okay to decline it?

Ashiya: ......

Ashiya: I'm working, so...

Ashiya: I'll get back to her later.

Page 9

Abeno: (That stilted speech...)

(Abeno: He's acting weird.)

Ashiya: Furyuu-san, what would you like to drink?

Abeno: .....

Furyuu: Kyuu!

Abeno: (It seems like Ashiya's mother hasn't responded

To the message I wrote this morning on his behalf...)

(In that case, that incoming phone call was probably...)

(Ashiya: Anything besides alcohol is OK.)

Page 10

Furyuu: Kyuuu!

Ashiya: Furyuu-san, please eat your fill!

Furyuu: Kyu!

(Abeno: How many people could this feed...?)

Furyuu: Kyu!

Furyuu: Kyu!

Furyuu: Kyu!

Page 11

(Furyuu: Kyu.)

Ashiya: You cleared all your plates!!

Furyuu: Kyu!!

Abeno: To eat all of that at your size... I truly underestimated you...

Ashiya: You have quite the appetite, Furyuu-san!

Ashiya: Do you want another helping?

Ashiya: There's also dessert.

Ashiya: ...Furyuu-san?

Furyuu: Kyupupu...

Ashiya: ...Don't tell me...?

Page 12

Furyuu: Kyupu.

Ashiya: Where's the restroom!?

Ashiya: Over there!

Furyuu: Kyupu...

Furyuu: Kyurororo.

Furyuu: Kyurorororo.

Abeno: ...

(Please excuse us for a moment...)

Page 13

Furyuu: Kyu... Kyuu...

Abeno: You overate.

Furyuu: Kyuu...

Ashiya: He's still feeling unwell, huh..

Abeno: I'll allow him to rest for a while before exorcising him to the Underworld.

Ashiya: Please sleep until your condition improves...

Furyuu: Kyuu...

Page 14

Abeno&Ashiya: ......

Ashiya: ...Abeno-san, would you like something to drink?

Abeno: I'm fine.

Abeno: ...Hm.

Page 15

Abeno: We're taking a break from work right now, so

Abeno: Here you go.

Ashiya: !

Ashiya: ......

Page 16

Nara: Hello.

Ashiya: Oh!! How was work today!!

Ashiya: It's me!!

Page 17

Ashiya: Please forgive me for not being able to take your call earlier...!

Nara: (It's fine.) Were you busy...?

Do you have a little time to talk?

Ashiya: Yes!

Nara: ...After you come home would be fine, too, but...

I thought it would be easier to talk over the phone...

Nara: ......

Nara: I read the message you sent me this morning...

Page 18

Nara: Hanae... Why do you know that Sakae used to have gold hair and eyes?

Ashiya: Eh?!

Nara: I've never told you that, you know?

Ashiya: Oh, about that... I heard it from my sister?!

Nara: I don't think she would have told you that either...

Ashiya: Oh, it wasn't her? Maybe it was a customer at the shop, then?

Nara: ...I see... So one of our customers is someone who knew the old Sakae...

Nara: Well, he did stand out...

Nara: ...Me, too...

Page 19

Nara: When I first laid my eyes on Sakae-kun in high school,

I was surprised by his gold hair and eyes...

Ashiya: ! (High school..?!)

Ashiya: Mom, you attended the same high school as my dad!?

Nara: Yeah. Our years were different, but we went there together.

Ashiya: (Then she knew Sakae when he had gold hair and eyes...!)

Page 20

Ashiya: (If so, then...)

Ashiya: (I might hear something about how Sakae came to attack demons!)

Abeno: !?

Ashiya: (I'll put the call on speaker and...)

Page 21

Ashiya: Mom, if you don't mind,

Ashiya: I'd like you to tell me about Dad back then...!

Nara: ...I see.

Nara: I haven't told you about it before now,

Nara: but since you want to know, Hanae... I'll tell you.

Page 22

Nara: ...I...

Nara: When I saw Sakae-kun, who looked like a sunflower...

Nara: I fell in love at first sight!

Ashiya: Ngh?!

(Abeno: Like a sunflower...?)

Nara: When we met, I was in my second year...

Nara: On that day, I'd fainted from anemia soon after reaching school...

Page 23

Nara: Uuuugh...

Nara: (This splitting headache...)

Nara: (It's cold...

I feel so awful...)

Page 24

Nara: (Whenever I come to school, I feel anemic...)

Nara: (Medicine doesn't have any effect,

and the hospital can't find anything wrong...)

Nara: Uuu...

[It hurts...]

[Why...

Why do I have]

[Such a horrible condition all of a sudden...?]

Page 25

Sakae: Disappear...

Page 26

Nara: Kyaa!? Who's there?!

Sakae: !?

Page 27

Sakae: ...So you were awake...

Nara: ....

[Golden...]

Page 28

[This guy...]

[His hair and eyes are golden...]

[Just like a sunflower...]

Sakae: ......?

[Currently admiring.]

(Nara: Hieee... (wonderment))

Sakae: ?

Sakae: ?

Sakae: ......

Page 29

Sakae: How...

are you feeling?

Nara: How am I...?

Nara: Now that you mention it, my chills and headache and nausea are gone?!

Sakae: ...

Nara: My condition always goes downhill when I enter the school, but

Nara: I'm glad I recovered so quickly today! (I might even be able to participate in P.E.!)

Nara: (Could it be?) Maybe when you gave me that shock, you cured me!

Nara: Thank you! Umm... Sunflower-kun!

Page 30

(Sakae: Sunflower-kun...?)

Sakae: .......

Sakae: My name is Ashiya. (Don't give me a weird nickname...)

Nara: (What a coincidence?!) I'm Ashiya, too!

I'm a second year in class 2, Ashiya Nara! What about you?

Sakae: ......

First year, Ashiya... Sakae.

Sakae: ...Hey.

Sakae: Does your health always have problems like today?

Page 31

Nara: Yeah...

Nara: From around the time I started high school, I started fainting a lot due to anemia.

Nara: And lately, even when I'm away from the school, my back will suddenly feel heavy and I won't be able to move,

Or my legs with seize up and I'll fall down on a totally flat path,

Or I'll feel itchy, like something is trying to move through my body...

Sakae: I see, so it's like that...

Sakae: Your constitution makes it easy for you to get drained....

Page 32

Sakae: ...Senpai.

Sakae: While you're still feeling well,

You ought to hurry back to your classroom...

Page 33

(If you're here, you'll become even more drained.)

Ashiya: ......

[Mom can't see demons,

So she misunderstood Sakae's words...]

Page 34

(He meant that her constitution makes her easily drained by demons...)

Abeno: ......

Abeno: ......

Abeno: (Ashiya Sakae...)

[Used his influence to kill demons to help humans...

...Was that sense of justice his motive for attacking demons?]

[When I saw his remnant back then, rather than having that sort of justification,

It felt as though he had a much darker reason behind his actions...]

Page 35

Nara: Because of that...

Abeno: !

Nara: I returned to my classroom like Sakae-kun said.

Nara: There, I told my classmate about Sakae-kun.

"I fell in love at first sight!" I said.

Nara: My classmate's face turned downcast...

Nara: She told me not to have anything to do with him,

Nara: And that misfortune would inevitably befall any person that gets close to him.

Page 36

Nara: In truth... His family died in mysterious circumstances, and the relative that took him in suffered from an unknown illness and was constantly going in and out of the hospital.

One after another, his friends suffered from poor health or got injured in accidents...

Nara: That's why people began to secretly call him a "God of Death" and avoid him...

...I heard.

Ashiya: (Could the source of it be...?)

Abeno: .......

Page 37

Nara: That's everything I remember clearly,

About Sakae back when he had gold hair and eyes.

Nara: The second time we met, Sakae's hair and eyes had become black...

Furyuu: Kyu.

Furyuu: Kyu.

Nara: ...Did you have anything else to ask me?

Ashiya: .....

Ashiya: ...Yeah.

Page 38

Ashiya: But that's more than enough for today.

Ashiya: ...I'll make sure to ask you next time.

Furyuu: Kyu!

Ashiya: Yeah...

Ah, I'm still at school.

Ashiya: Okay...

Furyuu: Kyu?

Ashiya: Okay... I'll see you later.

Page 39

Furyuu: Kyuu!

Page 40

Abeno: That story before...

Abeno: If the misfortunes occurring around Ashiya Sakae,

were a tragedy caused by a demon...

Page 41

Abeno: I can see how he'd come to think that demons had to be exterminated.

Ashiya: .....

(He lost his connections to the people he cherished because of demons...)

Ashiya: To Sakae, demons...

Ashiya: ...were probably the source of his misfortune and loneliness, huh?

Page 42

(Since he was someone who had experienced that suffering firsthand...)

(He surely couldn't leave Mom alone, when he saw her suffering from possession...)

Sakae: ((Uwah...) I thought I felt an awful lot of demons around...

Does this person draw demons toward them...?)

Ashiya: ...!

Ashiya: ...In that case, demons are...

Page 43

Abeno: Ashiya.

Abeno: Haven't you realized something?

Ashiya: Even if demons were responsible for stealing away his bonds with people,

They were also the Cupid that tied those two together in love!

Abeno: !?

Abeno: (Ah?)

Page 44

Ashiya: If demons didn't exist, I wouldn't have been born!

So it's thanks to them that I'm here today!

Abeno: (I'm an idiot for trying to talk to this 5 year old seriously.)

[The person in question, trying his best to have a serious conversation.]

Ashiya: I wonder how those two ended up hooking up...?

Abeno: ......

Ashiya: Maybe Mom confessed? (She did fall in love at first sight...)

Ashiya: It'd be really troublesome if demons kept interfering with their dates, though...? Hmm... I'm curious...

Abeno: You... Why don't you walk home today...?

Ashiya: Huh, why? I wanted you to send me back. (With the Mononokean, it's like woosh...)

Abeno: Don't make me look at your idiotic face any longer. Hurry up and leave in the next 10 seconds. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6...

Page 45

Nara: !

Ashiya: Thank you for telling me so much today.

Page 46

Ashiya: Right now, I'm walking home from school...

Ashiya: I'm hungry! I wanna eat omlete rice~

Nara: Come back home soon,

Hanae~

[severelybabykryptonite]

June 27, 2016 (Day 2)

Rick stares at his wife’s perfectly rounded butt as she stands on their balcony overlooking the shallow, blue green water that surrounds their hut.  They’d taken a cruise line to this remote little island and will spend three wonderful days here on the water and he is loving every minute of it.  He never imagined that getting married again would feel this good but he is happier than he can ever recall being in his life.  She brings out the playful, adventurous side of him and he wants to explore everything with her.

He continues to lounge in bed, gloriously naked, hoping the heat from his stare will draw her attention back to him.  When that doesn’t work, he quietly gets out of bed and makes his way to her, wrapping his arms around her with a squeeze, delighting in her giggle and her gasp when she realizes he is naked.

“Rick.  What are you doing?”  She can’t help the laugh that bubbles up.  Her husband has absolutely no shame.  She doesn’t know if she should be annoyed or completely turned on.

“Wondering why this water is so fascinating when you’ve got a naked man in your bed with a raging hard…..”

She turns to face him, placing a finger against his lips.  “Didn’t I just leave our bed?  There’s no way you’re….”  She trails off as he thrusts into her and she realizes that he is indeed ready for more.  “Oh….”  The shape her mouth forms is just the invitation he needs as he places his lips on hers and slips his tongue inside.

He allows his hands to drop to her butt and palms her before lifting her up, her legs circling his waist, and carrying her back to bed.

Hours later, the sunlight is waning and she realizes they have spent their first official day on the island in bed.  She looks over to her resting husband, wondering if he has finally tired himself out with that performance he recently put on.  She understands that this is the number one activity on most honeymoons but Rick has been like a man on a mission.

She gives him a gentle shake.  When he gives her a soft ‘hmmm’, she tells him, “I’m going to prepare dinner now.  You know food, sustenance.  We do need to eat.  And tomorrow we’re going horseback riding on the beach.”  She makes a move to vacate the bed but he grabs her, burrowing his face between her breasts before latching on to one.

“Oh no you don’t.  You were just sleeping and I’m hungry.”

“Me too,” he answers as he moves lower.

She laughs.  “Don’t.  Stop it right now.  I’m serious.  We need to eat…..food!”  She grasps his face with both hands, lifting his head.  “What has gotten into you?  Do you realize we’ve practically made love nonstop since we got here?”

“Really?  How many times?”

She rolls her eyes at him.  “I’m not saying.”

“I know you know because you’ve counted.  Only you would keep up with stuff like that.”

“Whatever!”  She scrambles out of bed and makes a mad dash for the bathroom, locking the door as she hears the knob rattling.  She breathes a sigh of relief fathoming she just did make it inside.  His ass was actually in pursuit.  She takes the time to shower then walks into their bedroom moving straight to their luggage that she hasn’t had the privilege of unpacking yet.

Her husband lies back in bed, watching her with ‘come hither’ eyes.  She avoids his gaze.  “You may as well take a shower and get dressed.  We’re going to have dinner in a bit.  Ok love?”

“Ok.”  He stands up, making a spectacle of himself as he stretches long and soundly.  He walks toward her slowly and retrieves a couple of items from the open suitcase.  Her heart races as she watches him, wondering how he can still affect her at this level after all their time together.  She gives herself a little shake and with the closing of the bathroom door lets out the breath she didn’t even know she was holding.

She dresses casually and hurries to the kitchen to start dinner.  Anything to occupy her mind because he is going to regulate her to a nympho at this rate.

Almost an hour later, they are seated at the dining room table and she is trying her best not to laugh.  He entered the kitchen sans clothes after his shower, asking if there was anything he could help with but she politely declined and told him he could look over the brochures and help plan their day out on tomorrow.  Now he sits across from her still naked and she can’t carry on a conversation without wanting to laugh.

“I can’t take this any more.  What are you hoping to accomplish by walking around naked all the time?”

“Am I making you uncomfortable?  I don’t get to do this at home so why not here on my honeymoon where it’s completely expected?”  He answers.  “You know you could always join me.”  His lips tremble as he tries to hold back a smile.

“So what are we doing besides horseback riding tomorrow?”

“I suppose we could do a little sightseeing, take a boat out to swim or parasail.  How does that sound?”  He asks.

“It sounds wonderful,” she returns, happy that he finally seems to be on the same page as she is….with some things anyway.  Curiosity piques again and she hates to bring the subject back to that but she has to know.  “So am I just that desirable or are you just that horny?”

He lifts his brows with a comical expression.  “Both.  Plus how awesome would it be for you to get pregnant on our honeymoon?”

She gasps.  “Pregnant?!”

“Yes pregnant.  Don’t you want a baby?”

She blinks several times, trying to comprehend the conversation.  “I mean…..yeah.  We talked about it but I thought you meant later on.”  Visions of his insatiable appetite as of late materialize in her head, resulting in a rising temperature and her body readying itself for his.

“I told you.  I want to share everythang with you and wouldn’t that be the ultimate adventure?”

She swallows with difficulty as she tries to hold her emotions at bay.  “Rick Grimes, you are changing my mind about everything.  You always….surprise me.”

“Is that a good thang or a bad thang?”

“It’s the best thang ever,” she answers as she lifts to a stand and pulls her shirt over her head.  She slowly removes an article of clothing as she makes her way to him just as naked as he is.  He pushes his chair back and she straddles him right there at the table, lowering her mouth to his.  “Let’s make a baby.”

[heyymonkey2]

First Night Back in Fuuga Ch 30: First Night Back in Kuuto

AO3 Link to Chapter 30

Summary: Yona and Hak return to the palace together for the first time

Everything is different after the meeting with the generals.

Yona is relieved and excited. Is this really, really happening?! The exhilarating feeling radiates through her -- she truly wants to be Queen.

Though with that thought, she also feels a new weight on her shoulders. One she hopes she can bear. Serving her people is her passion and not a problem. But that’s only part of being Queen.

As she watches the generals depart with their troops for their home tribes, she keeps an eye on Geun-Tae. Soo-Won had won him over… and she knows he holds a true respect for Hak -- but she hopes she one day can win his support on her own.

Kyo-Ga has already been advocating for her, which she treasures. Though she laments the conversation he'll need to have with his little brother… that she will be the queen now and Hak the king. Perhaps Tae-Jun would be supportive of it now, but his heart surely will still sink a little.

Tae-Woo chases after Hak before taking off, looking up to him as he always has, with wonder and respect. Hak responds down to him, relieved, no longer carrying a secret from his family. Yona notices how cute Tae-Woo looks being so excited about what's going on with his idol. She wonders how rowdy the scene will be when Tae-Woo tells the rest of the Wind tribe about this. Lord Hak really is incredible.

In contrast to that excitement, Joon-Gi’s body is being taken mournfully back to Suiko by Lili and the Water troops. There will be a great funeral. And after, Yona will be tasked with appointing a new general and leader for the Water Tribe.

Then there is Joo-Doh… who will now follow Yona and Hak around as a bodyguard every step of the way back to Kuuto. Yona can’t tell if he is suspicious or prudent.

It’s not that Joo-Doh has anything against Yona and Hak specifically -- OK a few specific things against Hak -- but mainly he's a man who observes things. What exactly happened with Soo-Won is still very mysterious.

Something hasn't added up.

Aside from Joo-Doh giving Yona and Hak absolutely no privacy day or night over the weeks it takes to return to Kuuto, he also presents many political discussions. The necessities.

Like -- who will be the new royal advisor? Yona and Hak quickly agree to call for Mundok to come to the palace. There could be no one better.

Also -- how will they address Hak’s status as a fugitive? The official story still floating around is that Hak killed King Il. Would people think Hak also killed King Soo-Won? Unless they can clear Hak’s name with an adequate explanation, there will be an unpredictable number of naysayers to their union and any coronation.

Yona can’t work on devising such a story with Hak or even confide about what really happened with Soo-Won thanks to their ever-present bodyguard. She desperately desires to arrive at Hiryuu Palace so she can at last be alone with her husband.

Yet at the same time she is terrified of going back to that place. It'll be like going back to a former life. And having to face the site of that devastating, traumatic night... How could she ever step foot in the king’s chambers again?

Hak must know what she's thinking. She's been riding on her own horse, getting to show off her new skills to her favorite teacher, but he still has been reaching across to caress her back or squeeze her hand.

When she looks back at him now, there is a comforting look in his eyes... and it gives her strength.

When they at long last arrive at Kuuto and ride through the town, Yona watches her boys -- Hak, Jae-Ha, Yun, Shin-Ah, and Ao -- grab meat skewers from vendors with stars in their eyes. (Ao goes after some roasted chestnuts.)

Oh yeah, she remembers, We’re not poor anymore. I can stuff their happy bellies full of meat and delicious things. Hak and Jae-Ha can share fine alcohol. And Jae--

Yona rolls her eyes when she sees Jae-Ha, still recovering mind you, already wandering off after some beautiful young Kuuto ladies.

Yep, they are going to be very happy, I think, Yona smiles.

Hak offers Yona some skewers, but she declines. She’s felt sick most of their ride back with no appetite at all. She wonders if it's been from anxiety about returning to the palace…

Yona steps into the courtyard of Hiryuu Castle. A sorrowful gust of wind blows a strand of long crimson hair across her face. At first she feels nothing, like an empty shell. A foreigner with no connection to here. Perhaps she’d seen a picture once. Someone’s else’s life.

Then the silent tears start. She sees ghosts of Hak and Soo-Won walking across the stone expanse. Smiling, joking.

She sees a memory of her father playing out before her. Returning from the shrine. Always praying. What were you praying for, Father?

She sees a mirror of herself walking toward her now, rosy-cheeked and innocent. Made up and beautiful. Chasing after something she’d never get. Not noticing…

...Hak watching her from behind. And what’s that look in his eyes?

Present Yona turns -- and there he is. Watching her from behind. That same look in his eyes. Love.

She blushes. How could she have not seen it back then?

“This is weird,” Yona admits through her tears, “I’m feeling angry about so many things. And yet… so grateful about others.”

Hak takes her hand in his, “For what it’s worth -- in spite of everything... I feel grateful.”

Yona strokes her thumb across his rough skin, coming into contact with his wedding band. Me, too.

The tears come a little harder now. Their innocence truly gone. They grew up. Together. Overnight and through tremendous pain. But... the love that blooms out of scars runs the deepest.

As they stand facing the palace, Yona wipes her tears and lifts her countenance with determination -- they are stronger than ever now. Their past will not define their future.

The future is theirs to build together.

As soon as they enter the edifice, royal staff and medics rush to take them to baths to cleanse their bodies and clean their wounds, to dress them in fine clothes and pray over them for restored health.

At first Yona doesn’t like this -- she wants to show Jae-Ha, Yun, Shin-Ah, and Ao around her former home and their new home. She wants to know where their rooms will be. She's already started to fantasize about palace sleepovers. Wouldn’t it be fun to all sleep together again sometimes?

But then she remembers… Hak. And how a little privacy, especially tonight, might be a very good thing.

She scrubs her skin very thoroughly now, getting nice and soft while thinking about what they finally might get to do again later…

Instead of walking to dinner as she was instructed, Yona finds herself wandering the palace halls in the direction of her old room. She just wants to see…

Hak stands across from her, “This isn’t the way to dinner…”

Yona bites her lower lip and takes his hand in hers to lead him, “I’m glad I ran into you. It's better if we do this together.”

“What?” Hak is happily baffled as he follows. When they stop outside her room, he knows, “Want me to go in first?”

“I would always rush in here without a thought. Isn’t it funny how scared I am to open this door?”

Hak squeezes her hand, “I’m here.”

“Thank you. I need to face this. I guess it was weighing on me more than I thought.”

“Things you once loved tend to do that…”

Yona pushes open the door… to see her room already lit. As though someone knew she would want to come in here tonight.

She steps in, taking in the sight of everything still in its place. Preserved. Literally, not a single thing moved.

Hak comes in, too, closing the door behind them.

“You used to always stand over there,” Yona points.

“You used to always throw that at me,” Hak points to a porcelain bowl.

“Hey…” Yona laughs, “...that’s actually true. And that,” she nods at a tea set.

“I’ll watch my mouth tonight,” he considers.

Yona glances up at him, her eyes saying it all, “Don’t…”

His mouth opens a little at her insinuation then he eyes the door -- closed. Next he looks at her bed, his eyebrows rising.

Yona’s mind races with desire and realization, “Did you ever... want to sleep in my bed before?”

Hak smiles wryly, “You invited me in before.”

Yona gets giddy at what could have been going through his mind back then when she had no idea. But she has ideas now, “I’m inviting you again. Sleep with me here tonight?”

“Can tonight start right now?”

Yona is loving this, “You waited longer than I can imagine to sleep with me in that bed. I don’t think I can ask you to wait any longer.”

Their long, chaste journey paired with Yona's teases have Hak nearly panting. As he wraps an arm around her and pulls her against his body, he leans in to steal a kiss from her lips.

Yona pulls back, “Tell me something first…”

Hak's eyes are fogged with desire as he leans down and nuzzles her neck, “Anything.”

“Did you ever… touch yourself when you thought of me back then?”

Hak pulls back and smiles in disbelief, “You never stop surprising me.”

Yona blushes, “Did you…?”

He looks at her deeply, honestly, “Of course.”

Yona feels herself getting wet. Remembering how hot he was even back then and she hadn’t even paid attention to him as a man. But him thinking of her as a woman back then and stroking that glorious erection of his… Now Yona’s thighs are getting weak...

“Have you ever touched yourself while thinking about me?” he asks right back, almost afraid of her answer.

Yona turns her face in embarrassment, blushing deep red, “I didn’t ever do that back then… it wasn’t until I noticed you. Your face,” she smiles coyly up at him, then reaches up to put her fingers in his hair, “This hair. Your shoulders. Your heart. That’s the first time I wanted to touch down there.”

He starts unfastening her dress, “...did you ever?”

Yona blushes deeper, “I missed you…”

“You did...” Hak smiles triumphantly.

He looks at her pretty little hands with long, delicate fingers. He lifts her right hand and begins kissing it finger by finger, “I would’ve liked to have seen that,” then he begins to gently suck on her fingertips, which makes Yona gasp.

“Hak...” she moans as she begins to move backward toward her bed, “What you do with your hands to me down there…”

He flicks his eyes up at her in an offer.

“I’ve missed you so much,” she confesses.

And instantly the warrior from the battlefield has her back on the bed, his mouth eagerly against hers as he impossibly fast works to remove any and every piece of fabric on her body.

She in return fumbles her fingers against his robes, trying to get to that taut flesh she’s craved every night since last she had him.

“What turned you on?” Yona pants as she feels her hands up his chiseled chest.

“There are plenty of parts of you that turn me on, Yona,” Hak offers as his use of her name steals her breath, “But I’m guessing you want to hear the unwholesome parts.”

“Mmmm,” Yona moans as he feels her now-exposed breasts, “Tell me.”

He leans down and whispers into her ear, “You had a blue gown. It was the first that ever showed your cleavage. I had a very hard time that day.”

“Did you come?” she feels his hand moving down low…

“I got off three times that day just remembering the sight,” he looks wistfully over her swollen breasts, her pink nipples there for him and only him to suck and lick, nip and tease. He brings his mouth to them, then continues, “And I thought back on them often.”

Yona writhes in pleasure under him as he takes a breast in his mouth, sucking her and lapping his tongue over her nipple, “Ahhh,” it incites a pressure and a light in her core.

He slips two fingers from his other hand inside her, slipping a third back to her anus. Yona gasps again, returning to her usual loud lovemaking. Pushing her head back hard against the bedding as she fights the pleasure from consuming her, “How do you… know how to… that…”

Hak brings his mouth to hers, sweeping his tongue into a sweet dance with hers, then he pulls back to answer, “I had years dreaming up and then trying to forget every last thing I wanted to do to you.”

As his hand inside her begins to thrust, she begs, “Keep… remembering…”

His eyes are hooded with his own pleasure as he continues to work his hand in her wetness, “I was never actually able to forget.”

Yona responds louder yet, Hak is mesmerized watching her sweat and move against him. He can’t help but move his mouth down to her womanhood and begin kissing and licking her there.

Yona spreads her thighs wide to further invite him. He runs his tongue up and down her slit, then removes his hand and sticks his tongue inside her, licking up her warmth and juices. Then he brings his hand back into action and begins sucking on her nub.

Yona’s hands tremble in his messy hair as she loses herself against his mouth, screaming his name, “Hak!!”

He pulls back, in the daze of a happy dream, then drops his robes fully and climbs into bed properly, tenderly lifting her pleasure-ridden body up next to him, now fully naked as well.

He runs a hand over her soft skin as he slowly professes, “All the times you touched me… or I got to touch you. Help you onto a horse. Pull you from a fall. Redirect you away from running into someone annoying... I couldn’t shake it from my head. Days later... I still felt you.”

“That’s how I feel about you now,” Yona looks up at him wantonly.

Hak slowly, meaningfully lowers his lips to hers and takes her in a passionate, giving kiss. Then he mounts her, she spreading her legs for him. He takes a profound glance of disbelief and gratefulness at this bed, this room, then back down at this princess… after the head of his penis teases her wet entrance just enough to make her practically begging, he brings himself inside her, expanding her for him, finding her core. He leans his torso down over her, taking her mouth once more and begins thrusting.

Each motion causes Yona to gasp and then swallow her breath. Her body tense, back arched, toes curled, hands grasping desperately at his broad back. The pleasure of their friction has her mind in another world. It’s a transcendent, magical experience to be lovers and she is off in bliss with Hak, a place that is only theirs.

Hak lifts his face up so he can watch her as he thrusts into her. Watch her face roll side to side as she moans his name. He thrusts harder, watching her receive all of it. It’s incredible…

He scoops her into his arms and rolls onto his back, now with a full vantage of her. Yona puts her hands on his chest and begins riding him, throwing her head back as she moves atop.

Hak watches her pert breasts bounce and her ab muscles tighten as she rises and falls on his cock. He places his hands on her hips as she continues and can’t help but moan along with her, “Yona… Yona!”

He flips her onto her back as he finishes with a powerful thrust into her, ejaculating as her own orgasm tightens around his dick. He spills into her more and more, both of them aftershocking together.

They lay coupled together, panting, holding one another for a couple sweet moments before Hak rolls to the side and pulls a blanket over Yona.

She offers room under the blanket for him, too, “Can this be our room now?”

Hak looks at how serious she is and starts laughing… then harder and harder, almost crying he’s laughing so hard.

“What?!” she’s prepared to smack him.

With a hand to his forehead Hak finally pulls it together, “Sorry, Princess. This is... unbelievable. I keep expecting to wake up from some dream. Or find out it’s the afterlife. It’s… few deserve this much happiness, certainly not me.”

Yona snuggles up against him, “Don’t say that. But I’m happy you’re happy. I’m happy, too. The happiest I’ve ever been. Which is crazy… I never thought I’d be happy again after…”

Hak wraps a protective hand around her waist. He smiles with tears in his eyes now, “I told you before… your happiness is my greatest happiness. That will never change.”

And also not for the first time, Yona tears up at this sentiment... because she knows exactly how he feels and that they both mean it with all their hearts.

As a post-journey, post-lovemaking contented tiredness falls over them, the lovers feel skin against skin, breath in sync with breath, heartbeat against heartbeat… and naked in this moment of peace, Yona finally recognizes the strange sensation she’s recently started feeling in her breasts. A pain and swelling. This is the same as… when her breasts first began to grow. They’re… growing?

Yona gazes up at Hak’s tranquil, sleeping face as she realizes. Her sickness these past couple weeks may not have been from the journey after all...

[howellrichard]

CBD Oil: Everything You Need to Know

Hiya Gorgeous!

Is it just me, or did CBD oil (cannabidiol oil) totally explode over the last year? I see new articles practically every day about its miraculous benefits, including claims that it may even provide hope for patients who have exhausted their conventional treatment options. People are using it for everything from anxiety and seizure disorders to psoriasis and pain management. I’ve gotta say—I’m just blown away by the exciting possibilities that CBD oil has to offer.

Since this is such a hot topic (and I have a feeling that you’re just as curious about it as I am!), I asked our Crazy Sexy Nutrition Director, Jen Reilly, to dig into it and give us the 411. Keep in mind that research is currently underway and findings are still emerging. But you know us—we’ll be keeping our eyes peeled for new info and sharing updates with you as soon as we get ‘em.

The good news is, there’s already a ton of fascinating and helpful information out there about CBD oil—and that’s exactly what we’re about to dive into.

Take it away, Jen!

CBD Oil: Everything You Need to Know

by Crazy Sexy Nutrition Director Jen Reilly, RD

Thanks, Kris! Nothing gets me more excited than the possibility of simple supplemental solutions to common health issues, so I’ve been closely following the CBD oil news for a while now. Among my nutrition patients, I’ve seen CBD oil help with anxiety and psoriasis when nothing else seemed to work. One patient has even been able to reduce her anxiety meds by half! The internet is also full of anecdotal evidence pointing to the potential benefits of CBD oil—including everything from pain management and nausea relief during chemotherapy to freedom from colitis and other inflammatory digestive disorders.

As Kris pointed out, human scientific research is still in the very early phases. This is especially relevant when it comes to determining a safe and effective dosage of CBD oil, as well as understanding the possible side effects. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t get excited about its potential benefits (Kris and I sure are!), but I urge you to take caution and work with an integrative doc if you’re thinking about taking it—just like you should with any medication or supplement!

But first, what is CBD oil?

CBD oil is a naturally occurring chemical compound typically processed from the hemp plant (though it’s also found in marijuana—more on that later!). It can be taken orally—under the tongue, in food and drinks, or inhaled with a vape pen. It can also be applied topically as a salve or cream.

So, what’s the difference between CBD and THC?

Hemp and marijuana both come from the Cannabis sativa plant family, and the key difference between the two is their THC content. THC, like CBD, is a naturally occurring chemical compound found in Cannabis sativa plants. Marijuana has a high percentage of THC, which is psychoactive and well-known for the “high” it produces. Hemp, on the other hand, has a low THC percentage (0.3% or less). So, CBD extracted from hemp (and with no added components) has no psychoactive effect.

Both medical marijuana and CBD oil may be prescribed to treat certain health conditions. But, medical marijuana is still marijuana—it has a high THC content and is only legal in certain states. CBD oil, however, should be legal to consume and distribute in the United States as long as it comes from hemp. That said, many laws are still new or unclear, so research your state’s regulations to be sure. Here’s a list of states that have specific laws regarding CBD oil.

Ok, but what is CBD oil used for?

Time to dive into the good stuff!

Now, to effectively explain the potential benefits of CBD oil, I’ve gotta introduce you to the endocannabinoid system (ECS). The ECS regulates and balances many functions of the body. But, when it gets out of whack because of stress, poor diet or too many free radicals (think: exposure to toxins), you may experience some nasty symptoms—I’m talkin’ increased anxiety, an upset digestive system, inflammation, a weakened immune system and increased sensitivity to pain. Ouch!

Under normal circumstances, we produce our own endocannabinoids that bind to our ECS receptors and keep our bodies in balance. But, when stress or inflammation ensue, endocannabinoid production decreases. And that’s where the star of our story comes in to save the day! CBD oil can stimulate the ECS receptors, which supplements a naturally occuring system and helps your body find proper balance again. Pretty cool, huh?

As I explained above, research about the benefits of CBD oil is ongoing, but anecdotal reports (both from individuals experimenting on their own and doctors who prescribe CBD oil) show lots of promise.

Here are some of the benefits and uses we’re aware of so far:

Epilepsy

An estimated 30% of people with epilepsy are resistant to conventional pharmaceutical treatments. But, the anticonvulsant properties of CBD oil provide new hope for relief. The cannabinoids act on receptors in the brain to alter brain chemistry and reduce seizure activity. Plus, CBD oil also happens to be free of the serious negative effects that come along with many traditional anticonvulsant medications.

There are plenty of anecdotal accounts of people using CBD oil to treat epilepsy, but one in particular is particularly incredible—and touching. Charlotte Figi was having 50 seizures a day, some lasting for 2-4 hours. She couldn’t walk or swallow, and she wasn’t responding to conventional medications. At just age 5, she was suffering and her body continues to decline. But, when her mom started giving her CBD oil (with very low THC) under her tongue, the seizures stopped almost immediately. Now they only occur 2-3 times a month, mostly in her sleep. By age 6, Charlotte was walking again, riding her bicycle, feeding herself and talking. She continues to thrive and be an example of the power of CBD oil. You can read more about her touching story here.

Intestinal Inflammation

Inflammatory digestive issues are no fun—and many conventional “treatments” do nothing more than put a temporary band-aid on the symptoms (rather than address the root of the issue). CBD oil, however, may be able to prevent inflammation in the first place! By activating certain ECS receptors connected to intestinal health, it appears to increase movement in the digestive tract and balance stomach acid in a way that can help normalize digestion, prevent constipation and reduce nausea and vomiting. Larger human studies are in the works to test effectiveness and dosage so docs can better prescribe CBD oil for their patients with inflammatory bowel diseases.

Anxiety and Depression

While not completely understood yet, CBD oil is thought to stimulate ECS serotonin receptors in a way that can positively increase serotonin levels and improve mental health. Many folks taking it—for anxiety or depression specifically, or relief from something else—report feeling an increased sense of calm, less irritability, renewed interest in favorite activities and an elevated mood. In 2011, one small human study (24 people) showed that people with anxiety who took CBD oil felt less nervous about public speaking.

In addition to its ability to mitigate anxiety and depression, CBD oil can also help reduce delusions and hallucinations associated with schizophrenia. Plus, it has far fewer possible negative side effects than the medications often prescribed for these conditions.

Pain

CBD oil may help reduce chronic pain by impacting ECS receptor activity, reducing inflammation and interacting with neurotransmitters. It also appears to block the absorption of anandamide (a pain regulator), thereby reducing pain sensitivity.

As you know, conventional pain medications come with a laundry list of side effects, and some can be addictive. Because CBD oil doesn’t have the same caveats, doctors are feeling more and more comfortable recommending it to patients with chronic pain. For further reading, check out Dr. Eva Shelhub’s article on hemp oil for pain management here.

Chemotherapy Side Effects

While the research is very limited and mostly includes animal** and test-tube studies, there are several accounts of patients using CBD oil to reduce chemotherapy side effects. People have reported relief from nausea, vomiting and even neuropathic pain. There are also accounts of CBD oil boosting appetite and preventing weight loss, as well as promoting emotional well-being.

One area of concern for researchers is that the receptors CBD oil inhibits to prevent nausea and vomiting may be important for other brain functionality. For now, the side effects appear to be minimal, but more sophisticated human research is needed (study). As always, work with your doc—and for further information on how CBD oil can help relieve the side effects of chemotherapy, check out this article.

Acne and Psoriasis

Did you know that there are even ECS receptors in your skin (they’re everywhere!)? Well, it turns out that when CBD oil is applied topically, it stops the quick cell turnover responsible for both acne and psoriatic flare-ups. That combined with CBD’s anti-inflammatory properties make it a promising treatment for both acne and psoriasis. Check in with your doc to determine how much CBD oil and which application method you should use for acne or psoriasis.

There are a lot of exciting uses for CBD oil in the skin care realm. Many companies are starting to use it in their products to combat acne, calm inflammation (think: puffiness, redness, etc.) and more. Stay tuned for an in-depth exploration of this topic by our fabulous Beauty Editor, Danielle Shine!

CBD oil is everywhere, but do you really know what it’s all about? Here’s everything you need to know about the latest health craze!

How much CBD oil should I take?

While many integrative doctors are recommending CBD oil to their patients and seeing results, clear dosage guidelines haven’t been set by the medical community. Dr. Robert Rountree, a CBD oil pioneer and expert, recommends 10 milligrams a day for treating anxiety and pain—but your dosage will vary based on what you’re treating. Your doc can help you determine which dosage and form is best for you.

Where can I buy CBD oil and what kind should I get?

Because of the murky laws around growing Cannabis sativa in several states, some companies are producing CBD oil in a lab so they can make a profit without breaking any laws. Integrative docs discourage using these synthetic preparations because they often contain toxins, come with a list of possible side effects like agitation and rapid heartbeat, and are less potent than the naturally cultivated varieties.

Because the CBD oil industry is unregulated and full of companies trying to get a piece of the pie, it’s important to look for pure, high-quality sources that are pharmacist-formulated, third-party tested and have a trusted purity verification (check the labels for all those buzz words!). Examples of trusted brands include Green Roads, Sisters of the Valley and Charlotte’s Web.

What are the side effects of CBD oil?

There are few known side effects of CBD oil to date. One study** lists tiredness, diarrhea, and changes in weight and appetite as possible side effects, so keep those in mind and adjust dosage with your doc if you’re experiencing any uncomfortable reactions. Also, it’s important to note that certain medications may interact with CBD oil, including heart medications, antibiotics and allergy meds—all the more reason to work with a professional as you move forward!

The CBD oil industry is booming and more research comes out every day. But, what we know now is that this simple, naturally occurring remedy has the potential to help many people find relief from an array of health challenges—and that’s incredibly exciting. I hope to see CBD oil become a mainstream treatment in the near future. Until then, I encourage you to do your research, work with your doctor and check back in on this post for new info!

Choose calm over overwhelm, even when you’re wildly busy. Get your free meditation track:

Wow! Thank you, Jen. That was super helpful and informative.

I’m a firm believer in the power of diet and lifestyle practices to keep us healthy and even manage serious health challenges (in conjunction with conventional treatment). But, sometimes we need a little extra help—and there’s nothing wrong with that. The promise that CBD oil shows to bring relief and answers fills me with so much hope, and I can’t wait to see what it has in store for us.

I hope you’ll bookmark this post so you can refer back to it—we’ll keep it updated as more research emerges!

Your turn: Have you tried CBD oil? If so, we’d love to know about your experience! Or if you haven’t tried it, are you interested in learning more about it?

Peace and radical remedies,

The post CBD Oil: Everything You Need to Know appeared first on KrisCarr.com.

[i-am-very-very-tired]

Chrissy Teigen, 31, is many things: a Sports Illustrated cover girl, a New York Times best-selling cookbook author, a host of the Emmy-nominated TV series Lip Sync Battle and the soon-to-be designer of a fashion line with Revolve. But she’s best known for what her husband, John Legend, calls her: “smart mouth.” She opines on everything from politics to stretch marks, 140 characters a time on Twitter. And her commentary is often so “you took the words out of my mouth!” that all you have to do is hit RT and add the word “PREACH.” What women love about Teigen is that she is, as she admits, “an open book.” She will show off a perfect seared duck breast—and tell you she accidentally sliced off her fingertip on a mandoline. Ask her about the wildest place she’s had sex? She’ll answer. (An airplane.) She approaches any topic with that same raw, real candor. But there’s one thing she hasn’t shared yet: After giving birth to her daughter, Luna, last April, Teigen developed postpartum depression, a condition affecting one in nine women, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. In this exclusive essay for Glamour, she talks about her experience, why she kept it private, and how she’s doing now. And she is as raw and real as ever. Over to you, Chrissy. When Glamour first told me I was going to be on the cover, I was freaking thrilled. Seriously. As a longtime reader, I couldn’t believe it. I’d always assumed that wearing swimsuits (or half a swimsuit) or having the occasional nip slip (or bit slip) wouldn’t make me the go-to choice for a women’s magazine I not only love but respect. Yet here I am! Next they asked me to write an essay. I was super into it, but then cringed every time I opened my laptop. Topics? I quickly realized I have truly talked about everything possible. I guess that’s the dilemma one faces when they…well…can’t shut up. I’ve been a chronic oversharer since birth. So I decided I’d talk about something no one really knows about me, mainly because I just learned about it myself. What is it? I’ll get there. Let me start here: To a lot of you, I think, I seem like the happiest person on the planet. I have an incredible husband—John and I have been together for over 10 years. He has seen my successes and failures; I’ve seen his. He has seen me at my worst, but I will say I don’t think I have ever seen him at his. He’s exactly as compassionate, patient, loving, and understanding as he seems. And I hate it. OK, I don’t hate it. But it can certainly drive you nuts sometimes when you’re as cynical as I am. If I weren’t me, I would politely excuse myself to make the most epic eye roll of all time if a woman talked to me about her significant other the way I just did to you. When John and I got together, I found my love for cooking. On one of our earliest dates, I took him to Daniel (four dollar signs on Yelp, ahhh!). I drank a $40 margarita, ate salmon rillettes (fancy salmon spread), and prayed my card wouldn’t be declined. I couldn’t afford to take him out to more dinners like that, so I started cooking more and more at home for us. I started with my own version of that salmon spread, then roasted whole branzino, osso buco, chipotle BBQ chicken. When my first cookbook came out, I finally felt proud of my work. I feel that same pride in Lip Sync Battle, where I get to work with LL Cool J and watch Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan go head-to-head as Beyoncé and motherf-cking Paula Abdul. My job, essentially, is to have the best time humanly possible. And a year ago, in April, John and I started our family together. We had our daughter, Luna, who is perfect. She is somehow exactly me, exactly John, and exactly herself. I adore her. I had everything I needed to be happy. And yet, for much of the last year, I felt unhappy. What basically everyone around me—but me—knew up until December was this: I have postpartum depression. How can I feel this way when everything is so great? I’ve had a hard time coming to terms with that, and I hesitated to even talk about this, as everything becomes such a “thing.” During pregnancy, what I thought were casual comments about IVF turned into headlines about me choosing the sex of my daughter. And I can already envision what will be said about me after this admission. But it’s such a major part of my life and so, so many other women’s lives. It would feel wrong to write anything else. So here goes. I had such a wonderful, energetic pregnancy. Luna sat inside me like a little cross-legged Buddha facing toward my back for nine months. I never saw her face in a sonogram, just her butt or the back of her feet. Every time we kinnnnd of saw a nose, she would quickly dodge, and I was left guessing again. John, my mom, and my sister were all in the delivery room. John was DJ-ing. Luna, fittingly, popped out to the song “Superfly.” The first lyric is “Darkest of night. With the moon shining bright.” I immediately put her on my chest. And she had a face! I was so happy. And exhausted. After I had Luna, our home was under construction, so we lived in a rental home, then a hotel, and I blamed whatever stress or detachment or sadness I was feeling at that time on the fact that there were so many odd circumstances. I remember thinking: “Maybe I’ll feel better when we have a home.” I went back to work on Lip Sync Battle in August, when Luna was four months. The show treated me incredibly well—they put a nursery in my dressing room and blew up photos of Luna and John and my family for my wall. When Luna was on set, they lowered the noise levels. They turned down the air so she wouldn’t be cold. Only the most gentle knocking on the door. Pump breaks. I mean, there was no better place to get to go back to work to. But I was different than before. Getting out of bed to get to set on time was painful. My lower back throbbed; my ­shoulders—even my wrists—hurt. I didn’t have an appetite. I would go two days without a bite of food, and you know how big of a deal food is for me. One thing that really got me was just how short I was with people. I would be in my dressing room, sitting in a robe, getting hair and makeup done, and a crew member would knock on the door and ask: “Chrissy, do you know the lyrics to this song?” And I would lose it. Or “Chrissy, do you like these cat ears, or these panda hands?” And I’d be like: “Whatever you want. I don’t care.” They would leave. My eyes would well up and I would burst into tears. My makeup artist would pat them dry and give me a few minutes. I couldn’t figure out why I was so unhappy. I blamed it on being tired and possibly growing out of the role: “Maybe I’m just not a goofy person anymore. Maybe I’m just supposed to be a mom.” When I wasn’t in the studio, I never left the house. I mean, never. Not even a tiptoe outside. I’d ask people who came inside why they were wet. Was it raining? How would I know—I had every shade closed. Most days were spent on the exact same spot on the couch and rarely would I muster up the energy to make it upstairs for bed. John would sleep on the couch with me, sometimes four nights in a row. I started keeping robes and comfy clothes in the pantry so I wouldn’t have to go upstairs when John went to work. There was a lot of spontaneous crying. Anytime I was seen out, it was because I had already had work or a work event that day. Meaning I wouldn’t have to muster up the energy to take a shower, because it was already done. It became the same story every day: Unless I had work, John knew there was not a chance in hell we were going on a date, going to the store, going anywhere. I didn’t have the energy. Before, when I entered a room I had a presence: head high, shoulders back, big smile. Suddenly I had become this person whose shoulders would cower underneath her chin. I would keep my hands on my belly and try to make myself as small as possible. During that time my bones hurt to the core. I had to go to the hospital; the back pain was so overwhelming. I felt like I was in an episode of Grey’s Anatomy: These kids were around me, asking questions. Maybe it was a kidney infection? No one could figure it out. I saw rheumatoid doctors for the wrist pain; we thought it might be rheumatoid arthritis. I felt nauseated all the time, so I saw a GI doctor. I wondered: Am I making this all up? Is this pain even real anymore? By December I had started my second cookbook. With the first, I was in the kitchen the whole time. I stirred every pot, tasted everything. Had genuine excitement for Every. Single. Recipe. This one came at the height of my losing my appetite, and the idea of having to test and taste recipes actually made me vomit. I was still on the couch a lot. Before the holidays I went to my GP for a physical. John sat next to me. I looked at my doctor, and my eyes welled up because I was so tired of being in pain. Of sleeping on the couch. Of waking up throughout the night. Of throwing up. Of taking things out on the wrong people. Of not enjoying life. Of not seeing my friends. Of not having the energy to take my baby for a stroll. My doctor pulled out a book and started listing symptoms. And I was like, “Yep, yep, yep.” I got my diagnosis: postpartum depression and anxiety. (The anxiety explains some of my physical symptoms.) I remember being so exhausted but happy to know that we could finally get on the path of getting better. John had that same excitement. I started taking an antidepressant, which helped. And I started sharing the news with friends and family—I felt like everyone deserved an explanation, and I didn’t know how else to say it other than the only way I know: just saying it. It got easier and easier to say it aloud every time. (I still don’t really like to say, “I have postpartum depression,” because the word depression scares a lot of people. I often just call it “postpartum.” Maybe I should say it, though. Maybe it will lessen the stigma a bit.) I wanted to write an open letter to friends and employers to explain why I had been so unhappy. The mental pain of knowing I let so many people down at once was worse than the physical pain. To have people that you respect, who are the best in the business, witness you at your worst is tough. Even though this was something I shouldn’t have to apologize for, I did want to apologize. Because on a set, people depend on you. A lot of people are coming together and all you have to do, Christine, is put on a unicorn head and shoot a money gun. Editors are wondering what the f-ck happened to the girl they gave a book deal to. This shit was flying through my head and I felt horrible. I actually did write my executive producer on Lip Sync Battle, Casey Patterson. She is one of the most amazing women in this universe and I never doubted she would understand. She told me she had noticed and was always here for me. I had to postpone my second cookbook, but my editor, Francis Lam, and publisher couldn’t have been more understanding. To go from discussing layouts and recipes and shoot days to a complete “off” switch was, I’m sure, not a great thing to hear. But, again, I cannot overstate how lucky I am to work with these people. Before this, I had never, ever—in my whole entire life—had one person say to me: “I have postpartum depression.” Growing up in the nineties, I associated postpartum depression with Susan Smith [a woman now serving life in prison for killing her two sons; her lawyer argued that she suffered from a long history of depression], with people who didn’t like their babies or felt like they had to harm their children. I didn’t have anything remotely close to those feelings. I looked at Luna every day, amazed by her. So I didn’t think I had it. I also just didn’t think it could happen to me. I have a great life. I have all the help I could need: John, my mother (who lives with us), a nanny. But postpartum does not discriminate. I couldn’t control it. And that’s part of the reason it took me so long to speak up: I felt selfish, icky, and weird saying aloud that I’m struggling. Sometimes I still do. I know I might sound like a whiny, entitled girl. Plenty of people around the world in my situation have no help, no family, no access to medical care. I can’t imagine not being able to go to the doctors that I need. It’s hurtful to me to know that we have a president who wants to rip health care away from women. I look around every day and I don’t know how people do it. I’ve never had more respect for mothers, especially mothers with postpartum depression. I’m speaking up now because I want people to know it can happen to anybody and I don’t want people who have it to feel embarrassed or to feel alone. I also don’t want to pretend like I know everything about postpartum depression, because it can be different for everybody. But one thing I do know is that—for me—just merely being open about it helps. This has become my open letter. As I’m writing this, in February, I am a much different human than I was even just in December. I’m over a month into taking my antidepressant, and I just got the name of a therapist who I am planning to start seeing. Let’s be honest though—I probably needed therapy way before Luna! Like anyone, with PPD or without, I have really good days and bad days. I will say, though, right now, all of the really bad days—the days that used to be all my days—are gone. There are weeks when I still don’t leave the house for days; then I’m randomly at the Super Bowl or Grammys. (This is cringeworthily unrelatable, and I am very aware of that—it’s giving me anxiety.) Physically, I still don’t have energy for a lot of things, but a lot of new moms deal with this. Just crawling around with Luna can be hard. My back pain has gotten better, but my hands and wrists still hurt. And it can still be tough for me to stomach food some days. But I’m dealing. I’m grateful for the people around me. John has been incredible over the last nine months, bringing me my medicine and watching horrible reality TV with me. He is not the goofiest guy, but he has gone out of his way to indulge my sense of humor. When I was having a good day, he would go to Medieval Times with me and put on the crazy period hat! He sees how much my eyes light up when he does that stuff, and he knows that’s what I need. I know he must look over at times and think: My God, get it together. But he has never made me feel that way. He wants me to be happy, silly, and energetic again, but he’s not making me feel bad when I’m not in that place. I love John and Luna more than I can imagine loving anything, and John and I still hope to give Luna a few siblings. Postpartum hasn’t changed that. More than anything, I always want to have enough energy for Luna—to run up the stairs with her, to have tea parties with her. As she gets older, she’s becoming more and more fun. Her eyes are getting so wide, and I want to be there for those wide eyes. And I will be. Phew! I’ve hated hiding this from you. XX, Chrissy Postpartum depression is a common medical condition and, as Chrissy notes, symptoms can vary. Click here for information on diagnosis and treatment. To read more stories from women who have struggled with postpartum depression, click here.