#she did say this btw. ��the feeling of guilt is the very core of your being’

[unorganisedalienrubbish]

Okay look, I’m exhausted and a little bit drunk but have this niche meme that will make me cry in 7-12 business minutes.

Based on true events

[turbulentscrawl]

Could we get some hc stuff for weeping? He never gets any love. Your work is amazing btw ♡

Thank you!

You know, before this I honestly kept forgetting he exists...but after doing a lore dive and doing these general hcs I'm feeling like he's going to become a favorite.

As a note for tagging, I typically use a character's human name for my blog's tagging system, but since "Joker" is a name used in so many fandoms, his will be "weeping clown x reader"

As always, if you guys like my work consider sending me a request!

Identity(V) Headcanons: Joker

-The acid which scarred him was only mixed with his colored face paints. The white base he uses didn’t harm him, so the scarring he has is mostly around his mouth and down from his eyes, following the shape of the red lips and teardrops he painted on. He still wears face paint most days to try and cover what he can of the scarring, but he’s paranoid about what he uses now. He keeps his paints locked away where others can’t access them, and always tests them on his arm before using them on his face.

-Joker has very little self-worth. It goes beyond basic insecurity, though he has plenty of that as well. His entire reason for living is based on the value he has to other people. At first, that’s restricted to just the way he can bring a bit of joy to the Hullabaloo crowds, and the few shallow friendships he’d made along the way. When Margaretha entered the picture, though, it began to twist into something even more unhealthy.

-He still has some remaining love for Margaretha, but he’s more withdrawn from her. He was disfigured, he did something horrible, and she left. But if it really came down to it, and he had no one else to talk him out of it, he probably would continue going to her whenever she calls, albeit with more inner turmoil. It goes back to that self-worth again; Margaretha makes him feel like he can be a valued protector regardless of not being very physically capable.

-At his core, Joker is a very kind and sympathetic person. He cares about others, their wellbeing and happiness, and even in a world without the above self-worth struggles he would go out of his way to help people…

-But he’s become a bit jaded since the massacre. A bit angry, even. No one did anything when he was the sole victim. No one stood up for him like he stood up for others. No one cared about his disfigured face because now it matches his disfigured body, right? …but he makes himself swallow those feelings when they start to bubble over. He doesn’t want to be that person. He doesn’t want to add more cruelness to the world.

-He’s on the quiet side. I wouldn’t go so far as to call him mute, but he chooses his words very carefully. If ever he’s unsure of what to say he would rather say nothing than ramble aimlessly. When he does speak, it’s with long pauses and shifting, thinking eyes. Conversations with him tend to move at a crawl.

-He likes gentle people. Eccentric people are fun too, but he prefers gentleness if he must choose one over the other. He got along with Mike before the massacre, but events like that have a way of either cementing or shattering bonds and theirs took the latter hit. I think he’d get along well with several people in the manor, including Luca, Emma, Victor, Eli, and Helena. He’s not exceptionally close with any of them, but few people dislike his presence.

-He’s very good at telling all manner of jokes, but he rarely does anymore. That’s a development from before even the massacre; he was required to employ depreciating humor on stage, both of himself and others, and over the years it caused him to grow heavy with guilt. Now, he may shoot off a pun occasionally, but even that is rare. He really doesn’t like to be the one joking around anymore.

-He does still like doing tricks, though! They’re not his specialty, but he didn’t go all that time in the circus without picking up a thing or two. He’s more than happy to show off these skills if they entertain his friends.

-He’s really good at finding things? It’s basically a supernatural power. If you ever lose something in the manor, he’s a good bet to check in with before you tear your room apart. Honestly sometimes he just shows up to return things before someone even knows they’ve lost it.

-Joker is completely touch starved. At first glance it may seem the opposite, as he tends to move away from incoming contact, but this is only because he often doesn’t know what to expect. As far as kind touches go, he’s given more than he’s received, and always with a nervous, shaking hand. When he has some kind of relationship where contact is both safe and common, he’s attached to your hip.

-On that note, Physical Touch is the best love language for Joker. He also appreciates the other four, but touch is his favorite. He’s a very clingy partner who always wants to sit shoulder-to-shoulder or hold hands. If his partner is less than enthused about PDA, he’s okay with more subtle touches as well, such as hooking your ankles together under the dinner table. Rebuffing his desire for contact too many times can and will result in some seriously hurt feelings. A relationship between him and someone averse to touch probably wouldn’t work in the long run.

[oskarwing]

I really wanna talk about the parent child relationships in Midnight Mass

I’m not sure if I’m good at writing this sorta Meta but here goes nothing. Very many spoilers follow.

Let’s start with the adults: 

First we have Erin who suffered so much at the hands of her mother and later because of her mother’s abuse. We don’t get much detailed info on Peggy Greene but from what we can gather she was a lot like Beverly Keane, who seemed to idolize her (though that probably got easier for her after Peggy was gone), in her self-righteous over-pious manner. She just happened to be Beverly with an alcohol problem and a daughter who she could take all her anger at life for not working out her way for God loving her just the same as everybody else out. The dove scene is really such a good scene. But Erin was stronger than her mother, stronger than the abuse that was about to repeat itself and when she found out that she would have a child of her own she left and tried her best to give her kid a better life than the one she had. And she found the strength I think with the help of the same God her mother most likely used as legitimation for her abuse (don’t get me wrong I believe it was Erin’s own strength but she also clearly found something in religion that helped her gather it) and it helped her to carve out a path for herself and her unborn child.  

Sarah’s relationship to her parents is such an interesting one because we get to see the end of it. The man who she believed to be her father has been dead for a long while and her mother is suffering through the late stages of dementia. And Sarah showed up for it. As a doctor she most likely knew what would be happening as soon as Mildred started to show the first symptombs but she wasn’t going to leave her mother. That kind of care for an elderly parent shows something that is proven in Mildred’s character time and time again: She is a very devoted parent and the love between mother and daughter flows both ways in every scene they are in together, after the birth of her daughter her world turned around Sarah and she loved her with all she had. There are a few scenes that show that Mildred’s understanding of the duty she felt towards her family came from the old values of her time. She wouldn’t have taken off with John and their child not for a lack of love but because in those times, in catholism still at least where I’m from, you can’t just marry a priest. You can’t just have a child with a priest eventhough you’re married and then fuck off with him. As a woman, as a wife and mother you have to stand with your husband, stand with your child and you have to stop running after fantasies I’m sure Mildred had. I’m saying this all from her perspective btw, I don’t necessarily think running away with John, in the way he wished to, would have been good for Sarah but honesty might have been and her old fashioned values were also what kept her from being truly honest with her daughter.  To John on the other hand Sarah is a fantasy, a dream he couldn’t reach. His daughter, his baby, so close and yet so far away getting to watch her grow into an adult but never being able to really be her father as in her Dad instead of her priest. And it’s painful to him, he clearly loved Mildred, loved Sarah but he was also kinda selfish in his love that in the end took Sarah away. At first he isolated his child by starring at her giving her the creeps and the feeling that she had done something wrong that he knew she was gay and dissaproved and then he took it upon himself to ‘cure’ Mildred in the same way he was. Sarah wanted to take care of her mother wanted to be there for her in those final months and John decided it was up to him to give Mildred a youth potion to make it so she’d never die. And with that he took away from Sarah what is without doubt a hard but for many people a very important last part of the relationship between child and parent. John was a complicated man and would maybe have been a great Dad he certainly showed a lot of fatherly love for his altar boys but he couldn’t have the family in the way he fantasized about and in the end it was that fantasy that made him act the way he did.   

Riley Flynn causes his parents a lot of pain. Him killing that girl in the beginning, his alcoholism, him simply not liking the place, the home they build for themselves through hard work causes the Annie and Ed so much pain and financial loss and you can see how tired they are, how much guilt they feel for failing their son. Ed calls out his own guilt and says that he doesn’t belive it could be Annie’s fault because ‘your mother’s a saint’ but what I truly love about Annie and Ed Flynn is that they both aren’t saints. As a mother Annie is very much overprotective and suffocating, wanting to keep her children on crocket island and hating the notion that they might leave her, even though she is kind and sweet and loving. And while Ed seems rather checked out as a father but he is the more honest parent, never talking down to Riley and telling him as it is, telling him about the pain he caused him while also admitting to the guilt he feels. The Flynns are flawed people even in their religious practice (I think the way Annie speaks about Ali showing up at church when Hassan seemed to be nothing but nice to her spoke very loudly to the fact that Annie is rather misguided sometimes) but they are good people at the core of it and their parenting might have been part of Riley’s way into alcoholism but it wasn’t only them. There were things they couldn’t change and things they had no influence over like his heart being broken by Erin running away, the sort of people he went out on parties with and so many other things...  Yes, they may have shaped their son in a way that made him vulnerable to addiction and the party scene of the stock and tech market and brought him to the point where he killed a child but it doesn’t happen through parenting alone and they also shaped him in the good ways. Him not losing himself when Pruitt changes him, him being brave enough to warn Erin, him standing up for what he believes in those things were also shaped by Ed and Annie. They are one of the best example of flawed but good hearted Christians I have seen in recent media and their portrayal was one of the most heartbreaking ones. 

Now the kids: 

Let’s start with Leeza. Little Leeza Scarborough who before it comes to her wonder gets treated with pity and overprotectiveness from her parents and the island community at large. Leeza was injured by Joe Collie transforming him into the island’s villain and her into the ever present victim.  What happened to her is without a doubt horrible and I understand why Wade and Dolly started to become these overprotective parents, why they were so easily sucked in to John’s and Bev’s scheme. Their little girl was almost taken from them eventhough Wade is the mayor, one of the most powerful people on the island he had no influence over what happened to Leeza even was the one who took her out that day and what followed the accident was as we can gather from their conversation with Sarah a lot of pain and financial burden though they say they would have done it all over for Leeza. In fact a lot of places in crockett island are wheelchair accesible and I am sure that Wade as mayor made it so (I can’t really imagine that a small place like the island was very inclusive though I may be wrong).  After Leeza is healed they don’t want to question in don’t want to think about what might have been the cause for it. In fact they stop questioning anything after that point, after Leeza walks again they are completely vulnerable to Bev’s manipulation and them letting that happen, them just going along with everything, Wade protecting John after he kills Joe long after Leeza forgave him and with her forgiveness send Joe on a better path is what in the end makes them lose her. Because Leeza isn’t that little victim who needs pity and help, she is a strong minded, strong willed young woman with a lot of wit who similar to Erin finds strength in her faith but in a way that isn’t devotion without question and when the Easter vigil is held she doesn’t follow her parents eventhough she loves them deeply. She forgives them I think, because that’s what Leeza’s character is about in it’s core but her parents were two of the instigators behind what happened on the island, without Wade’s protection John and Bev couldn’t have come as far as they did and they put their trust in them because they loved their daughter so much they didn’t stop to question if maybe what made Leeza walk again was also a bad thing. 

Ali and Hassan don’t have it easy and I as a white person really can’t speak much on the racism and religious discrimination they face.  I can say this I think: The first line spoken about Ali before we even really get to look at him is “You didn’t invite Aladin” and already sets us up for what both of them know: They are the outsiders. Not only because they just moved to the island but also because in their faith they are different from their peers and religion can often be a community building event for people before it is anything else. Ali starts balming his father a little for that, for not trying to fit in more with the community, for moving after his mother’s death and then not trying to be closer to the people around them and for the pain all the pain the two of them went through before Crockett island. It isn’t oly peer pressure though of course that brings Ali to St Patrick’s. Sure, Ali wanted to be part of the community but also desperately wanted to believe that there was a devine power who could if he just did it (it meaning faith) the right way he might find a way to avoid the pain of his parents. Hassan knew that and he warned him that that wasn’t how it worked. Hassan was a protective Dad and maybe he overdid it from time to time but his worries were never without reason, his need to keep his son safe from a world that hated him for a crime that happened when he wasn’t even born yet never unfounded and him wanting to make sure his kid kept the memory of his mother alive never anything but the wish of a griefing man and loving father. In the end when they pray together there is peace in them. They face their ends with the dignity Ali’s mother would have wished for and they face it as father and son. While Beverly the true religious terrorist of the story burns away without it. 

Warren is the youngest Flynn and it is never directly stated yet omnipresent that his coming of age happens in the shadow of his older brother’s mistake.  Annie warns him away from drinking when he goes out he in fact doesn’t drink. He never drinks because of what his brother did.  Warren would have been 12 when Riley killed that girl and so he would have seen and felt what his brother’s actions did to his parents fully without being yet old enough to maybe see the nuance.  Annie and Ed probably try to right the wrong they believe to have done in parenting Riley with Warren and that’s a lot for a kid. I do think it’s pretty usual that parents of multiple children especially when there’s a larger age gap try to do better with the younger children, but that isn’t fair is it?  Warren is his own person not a second chance to do it over.  And yet seemingly he does what is asked of him. He’s alter boy, he’s charming and helpful and sweet, he doesn’t drink (even when he does smoke pot) and he helps his father where he can with his work.  But in the end he feels guilty because he thinks he wasn’t enough and says at that last dinner he would have been different if he had known he wouldn’t see his family again. But Leeza is right they know and they love him and Warren deserved to not be perfect all the time. 

Littlefoot saved Erin and Erin payed her back with all the love she had. She was never born but she gave her mother the strength and willpower to leave.  In her speech to Joe Leeza said he reached through time and took things from her she didn’t even know she had yet.When Erin left her husband she reached through time and saved Littlefoot from a childhood like hers and when John gave Erin the angel’s vampire’s blood he reached through time and took away her child, a child who would have been loved and cared for. A child with an amazing mother and probably a great step-dad.  Littlefoot’s story is tragic because she never got one. 

[magireco]

Would love to hear more thoughts on how these girls have understandable teenage motivations (A+ tag analysis by the way)

1. Thank you!!!!!!

2. ALRIGHT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS (shuffles my papers). i’ve gone off about homura’s motivations in depth before but i think it was only in dms/groupchats? anyways i’ll go in order with All the girls bc i think about this all the time as a teenager who grew up mentally ill and had their perceptions skewed because of it, and also i don’t think it’s talked about nearly enough for the others, at least on my blog... so, buckle up!!! this is REALLY LONG!!!! 

3. i tried writing like, an individual thing for every member of the quintet all together in this one ask, but i ended up talking a little too much about homura and now i’m going to split up all the different analysis stuff for each character into the reblogs and work on it every so often! you’re free to kinda skim of course because i really did write a whole novel but here we go!! read under the cut. :3 this is literally essay length btw. i did NOT expect it to get this long but if you want to read it all i’d recommend it but i don’t expect most people to

First: Homura Akemi

okay so i’m going to kind of summarize everything but from the perspective of empathizing with her so if you don’t want to reread a whole recap you can skip to the ending few paragraphs

Summary

first of all, in episode 10, homura’s past is explained for the viewer. she was a shy, unsure girl who had been bedridden for a long time. she was clearly unsocialized, not to mention she went to a catholic school and those can be brutal, esp in japan... that’s all we know about her in that episode, but it’s revealed in one of the drama cds that she was bullied as a child(& further at mitakihara middle), her parents never were mentioned ever (i assume them to either be dead or neglectful, considering she lives alone and unchecked), and in magia record, homura says to natsuki that she’s never had friends before, she hasn’t been on vacation before until the beachside bonds event, hasn’t ever celebrated valentine’s day, has never celebrated new years, etc... 

clearly, she’s missed out on a lot not only because of her sickness and hospitalization, but because of her isolation as a child at school. judging by her demeanor and the way she reacts when madoka comes up to her without being asked to, something like that had never happened to her before. it’s clear to me that madoka was many of homura’s “first’s”, her first friend, the first person who reached out to her, the first person to compliment her name honestly(validating her, disproving her dislike of her name), the first person to regard her so kindly rather than judging her based off of her appearance and demeanor (like other students had apparently done, this is also shown when the other students at mitakihara middle make fun of her for being tired after only being able to run one lap). AND, madoka (and mami, but homura knew madoka better at that time) saved her life, even though homura was so willing to die, just in that moment... i’d assume it made homura feel like someone believed in her even when she was at her worst. it’s really clear by the glimmer in her eyes that these are nice people that made her feel happy and welcome... and then walpurgisnacht came. she didn’t know much about magical girls and just believed in madoka and mami to be able to defeat the witch because she saw them as strong and saw the witch as defeatable, despite its size. and then mami died, right in front of her and madoka... 

this kinda seems headcanon-y when i phrase it this way but it’s practically proven in her actions but i really think homura is scared to be abandoned, especially by someone who was as overtly kind and nonjudgemental to her as madoka... it’s in the way she cries her name and says “don’t go” before madoka runs away to fight walpurgisnacht. OH ALSO, i need to address this one thing really quick because people like to assume that homura didn’t care about mami from the beginning and only liked madoka. it’s not that she wasn’t sad when mami died, she was clearly terrified and didn’t want the same to happen to madoka, also mami LITERALLY WASN’T IN HER CLASS OR HER GRADE so i assume she spent most of her time with madoka considering they were in the same grade and class and probably shared most of their periods with each other... but also, once again, mami is older than both of them and homura probably saw her as more of a mentor/teacher that she needed to impress rather than madoka who was more on her level, i guess?

anyways, moving on... homura had to see madoka die (& experience the crushing guilt she felt for “letting madoka go” even though there was nothing she could’ve done) and literally says “i’d rather you had lived than saved someone like me” ... her self worth is below zero. she makes her wish to be strong enough to protect madoka(because she sees madoka, her first friend, who saved her life which she felt had no worth, as so strong and noble) which causes her to go back in time, etc. etc., you know the deal. okay before i move on to talk a little more abt the timelines and the personality change i’m going to address why it’s reasonable that she’d be attached to madoka.

i mentioned before that homura said herself that she had never had a friend before. just like, put yourself into her shoes for a second. this girl has no idea how to make friends; it was never taught to her. it’s literally rational that she’d get attached to her first ever friendship. it’s not “normal” the way she views madoka, but how could it be? this is her first time having a friend, she’s afraid of being abandoned by her, but she’s had to see her die over and over again anyway. she doesn’t want to lose madoka. even if she doesn’t go about it in the right way, there’s no way she would’ve actually known how to Do relationships. no one taught her. i think that needs to be empathized with more...

i kinda feel like i need to summarize all this just bc if i word it right it kinda reminds you & puts into perspective just how terrible and scary all of this was.

anyway Again, i would skip straight to the end of timeline 3 (where a New Flavor of trauma is given to homura) but i need to first address timeline 2 for a second. it was homura’s first time repeating the timeline, she trained with madoka and mami again, she was still hopeful despite what happened, etc. kinda just bonding further with madoka Again... and then it’s at the end of this timeline that she watches madoka turn into a witch, just in front of her very eyes... and realizes the true fate of magical girls. when she resets the timeline again, it’s up to her to start anew and break the truth to the group when she sees them again. when she tries telling the truth, sayaka immediately shoves this aside, claiming homura was just trying to split everyone up. it’s clear that that hurts homura. (also the little shinies in her eyes were wavering which is anime-code for sad) her feelings were immediately disregarded by sayaka and she couldn’t defend herself, but madoka did for her, and mami tried to diffuse the situation. 

after they all find out homura was right when sayaka turns into a witch, mami kills kyoko and ties up homura in her ribbons and aims a gun at her, and this, rightfully, ignited a fear within homura... madoka is forced to kill mami in order to save homura, leaving only the two of them to fight together. then, when walpurgisnacht comes that time, The Promise is made... madoka tells homura to go back in time and save her from becoming a witch (because she doesn’t want to curse the world that way, she still sees beauty in it) and homura agrees, saying she’ll never stop until she saves madoka, and then... homura has to mercy kill madoka before she becomes a witch. she cries loudly and shoots madoka’s soul gem... it’s literally so heartwrenching and (usually) brings the viewer to tears, or puts something into perspective for them...

then we assume the personality change happens in the timeline right after. this personality change causes a lot of discourse because sometimes it’s seen as kind of irrational, but personally, i think even moemura had at least SOME resent for the world around her considering what she’d been through. it’s madoka’s repeated deaths that finally push her over that edge. i could get further into the coolmura arc but that’d take a WHILE, so i’ll just kind of explain something briefly though -- why homura ended up becoming even MORE focused on madoka. and i’m also going to debunk the claim that homura doesn’t care about her other friends as fast as i can before moving on.

also, ONE LAST side tangent, for those that think homura really did do a 360 degree personality turn are wrong. it’s shown explicitly in homulilly’s labyrinth that there’s this... “core” homura, a shadowy purple silhouette with braids. every time the series depicts homura’s internal self, it’s always glasses+braids, symbolizing her “child” self, who she truly is. she never stopped being that person. she doesn’t want to kill. ...but i can get into that in a rebellion analysis later! this is also shown in wraith arc bc the person inside her soul gem has glasses+braids. anyway let’s get to the next part i’m going to rant about

Homura’s Love for Madoka, but Otherwise Apathy

homura has seen many different, yet all similar, versions of her friends. the first claim i’m going to talk about which i saw brought up quite a few times before is in regards to homura and mami. first of all, homura absolutely still cares for mami, and not just in the “i only care about your life if it affects madoka’s” way. one part that always gets me is when mami ties her up in the series timeline after homura frantically warns her that this witch isn’t normal, to which mami IMMEDIATELY brushes this off, without even giving homura a chance. then, when mami’s ribbons fade away, homura looks horrified and just goes “oh no...” and it’s kind of obvious to me that it was in response to mami’s death rather than madoka’s reaction. this is arguably up for debate i guess because i’ve seen different takes on that reaction and it’s ambiguous, i guess? but i’m about to get into something extremely similar and that’s the sayaka situation, where madoka throws sayaka’s soul gem onto a moving car. homura gasps and immediately pauses time and disappears, running in literal open traffic and climbing on top of a moving car to retrieve sayaka’s soul gem. one could argue that this is ALSO only just because homura wants to save madoka (and kyoko) the fear, but don’t you think her expression would be different? if homura truly didn’t care for sayaka’s wellbeing, wouldn’t she be making an expression more similar to like, “oh, this shit again...” instead of the frantic one she was making in the scene? this kind of thing Also happens when kyoko asks homura to leave while kyoko’s about to sacrifice herself in oktavia’s labyrinth, and homura looks up sadly at kyoko and then back down at madoka, and once she knew kyoko was dead, she just quietly said “kyoko...” to herself. she usually refers to them as [last name, first name], but she dropped that during that moment... it otherwise sounds like a bare minimum thing to do, but keep in mind the timeline we’re shown in the series is implied to be like, the 110th timeline, i think? like, this is the last timeline, she’s worn down, but she still does have empathy -- or at least sympathy -- for the others. she still loves them. 

homura promised to be madoka’s protector, she dedicated her life to her, and also she doesn’t have a choice not to dedicate her life to her anymore, even though that’s not fair to her... homura is in a really hopeless situation and madoka is her hope, and madoka is the one that judges her the least out of the quintet (like saying “i’m sure homura is good” to herself) upon first impression. also okay i mentioned this already in my last post (which you saw) but i’m going to bring it up one more time, homura is not mentally 26!!!!!! she is still 14 mentally!! in order to be 26, you have to have experienced 26 years of new life experience. maybe you acquire that through school, maybe you aquire that through friends, whatever it takes. but homura just repeated the same month over and over, and it’s not like her body (canonically) ages ever. she just kind of gets transported back into her body in the hospital again considering she’s back wearing her braids and pajamas... so, yeah. no mental development there. i also mentioned this here but i’m gonna say it again, that just makes it even harder for her to actually age correctly... it stunts her to 14. imagine being 14 for 10-11 years...

In Defense Of My Own Claims

btw before you think i’m just going full-on radical homura apologist, i’m not explaining all of this to be like “homura made ALL THE RIGHT DECISIONS because her trauma gave her an excuse!!” because like, Obviously, she did a lot of bad things, she killed people, did a lot of callous things, a lot of thoughtless things, a lot of things that make her seem emotionless, etc. but i just have trouble blaming her considering how things ended up, and it’s not like she enjoys killing people. she’s not sadistic... she ends up becoming short with all the others not only because of her (extremely) weakened trust in them, but also because the amount of times she repeated the timeline. i’d imagine it makes her feel like the others can’t truly die because she can just go back and see them again. (this is also why wraith arc/post-tv series must’ve been hard for her because she can no longer turn back time, things are permanent now, deaths are forever) she’s become so worn down that she’ll do anything to escape the loops... also considering she has no choice but to continue? although it shouldn’t be, it’s technically her job as a magical girl to defeat all witches and walpurgisnacht counts. it kills magical girls and tears up the whole city and she’s usually the only magical girl left... her choices, when defeated, are either to give up and die or to go back and try again, and she made a promise to her first ever friend to do just the latter... i just don’t understand how this isn’t easier for people to comprehend, that all of this trauma and stress and responsibility on top of an already traumatized 14 year old does not mix well. ever. she had to figure out all of this by herself.

TL;DR:

homura was a previously traumatized, unsocialized 14 year old with (very)low self esteem & self worth whose first friend (and first love, really, let’s be honest) died in front of her in horrific ways and she watched as she (and the other friends she came to make) drifted slowly apart from her in her endless and futile attempt in saving her from what proved to be an inescapable fate. also she’s 14 and also she’s (canonically) mentally ill and a lesbian. not a monster, not evil, not “psycho”. and that’s that!

[ymiwritesstuff]

Oh god your requests are open! This just made my day! Okay so, since i am in a total dimitri rabbit hole (dike damn i love that man wtf) Can i please request some angst for him × a fem reader? Maybe she took a lethal hit for him in battle and now she is in the verge of death? He carries her back to the monastery and stays with her while she is unconcious? My brain dried so you can take this request the path you'd like! Thank you, and btw, your stories are perfect!♡ like, you are so talented!❤❤❤

Hey there, Anon! Thank you so so much for the kind words, I am more than happy to hear that you like my stories! I hope this turned out the way you wanted, thanks so much for requesting!!

Questions And Guilt

Fire Emblem Three Houses

Dimitri Alexandre Blaiddyd x Fem!Reader

Summary: A turn in battle leaves Dimitri distraught and at the mercy of his inner battles.

Notes: Angst, Small SPOILERS for Azure Moon

Blood. Blood in his hands as he carried you, his footsteps heavy against the ground as he tried his best to run back to the monastery. Every now and then his panicked eyes would glance down at your unconscious features, begging to whatever higher power there was that you would stay alive. The battle had ended abruptly as soon as the arrow that was meant for him pierced a critical spot on your torso instead. In the heat of the moment, no one was sure what had occurred. Only when your body hit the ground did the realization hit everyone. And now, Dimitri was desperately trying to save you.

His classmates and professor followed, not being able to keep up with the crown prince’s speed that was fueled by his slowly growing despair and the voices hidden inside his head. They were screaming at him, blaming him for your predicament, and cruelly chiding him for his neverending failures. It pained him, but he pushed them aside, for right now, your safety was of more importance than his own inner battles.

Dimitri felt your faint breathing. It gave him some hope, but also reminded him that time was against him, and if he didn’t hurry, he would lose the battle against time and possibly lose you forever. He would never be able to forgive himself, and the fear plagued him as he ran, holding you as close to him as he could almost subconsciously. He had never run like this, incited by such grim thoughts, but through it all, he somehow had to find the power to save you or get you to someone who could.

You winced, squeezing your eyes shut briefly before weakly opening them, slipping in and out of consciousness. “Di-Dimitri...” His cerulean eyes locked with yours and it took all the strength in him not to let a single tear fall out of them. Dimitri felt powerless as he looked at your stunning (E/C) orbs that still managed to look back at him with such warmth and love, despite everything that had happened. You were glad. Glad that he was safe, and with a smile and a strangely warm feeling in your core, you passed out again, leaving the prince with his inner thoughts.

“Worry not, (Name).” He whispered, holding your closer and running towards the entrance of the monastery despite his body being at its absolute limit. 

“I will save you.”

~

The situation was far more dire than he or anyone else present at the battle had thought. While Dimitri had managed to get you to safety and under the care of Professor Manuela, even she wasn’t certain of your fate. She wouldn't say this out loud, but somehow he knew. Maybe it was the voices he unwillingly housed in his head that told him, he wasn’t sure, but something gave him an uneasy feeling of uncertainty he could only partially ignore when he was next to the bed you lied in.

He felt peculiarly tranquil when he looked at you. Your form looked almost ethereal, bathing in the faint sunlight that pierced through the curtains. The bandages covering your still sensitive wound were visible, the soft blanket only covering half of your body. Dimitri could see your chest rising as you breathe, but a part of him was filled with fear that it would suddenly stop. He wanted to hold your hand but was afraid that it would be as cold to the touch as the snow of Faerghus.

Guilt troubled him, as it often did after the Tragedy of Duscur. He couldn’t help but compare this moment to the one that had caused him endless suffering. Once again, he was going to lose someone dear to him. Once again, he would be the sole survivor of a tragedy. The voices screeched, louder than ever before. All he could hope was that your angelic voice didn’t join in on the grueling shrieks and cries.

Why did this happen?

He found himself asking that question often, never receiving an answer he yearned for. Was he cursed? Was it his destiny to witness his loved ones die and internally torment him for the rest of his days? For a long time, he had given up on finding the answer, but in this very moment, as he looked at you, the questions bedeviled him once again. Why did it have to be you? He could have taken the vicious hit. It would have been appropriate for someone like him who yearned for revenge, and yet, you chose to save him.

Dimitri shook his head and buried his hands in his hair, trying to ease his mind but to no avail. So long as you remained unconscious, he was left with his own heavy thoughts that tortured him. He wasn’t certain if you would survive, no one was. He was on edge the whole time, thinking nothing but how he could have prevented all this had he been stronger. You courageously protected him, but at what cost? Now you were on the verge of death and he would once again be left alone with his hidden misery.

The screams were getting louder, if that was even possible at this point. They rang in his ears, causing him to grip his head in pain. He could hear them mocking and tormenting him, they surrounded him, the voices of the people he had lost so long ago. He silently begged them to stop and tried to convince himself that he was not to blame, but his own thoughts and the shrieks inside him extinguished them, reducing them to ash. Why? Why did it have to be you? You were going to perish. It was his fault and there was nothing he could do to save you. He failed to protect you, he wasn’t strong enough, he couldn’t-

“Dimitri..?”

His head shot up to look at you, blue eyes dampened by tears that pooled in them. Your eyes were open, though weakly, looking at him and his disturbed state. You sensed his worry, but also his relief as he fell to his knees next to your bed, finally mustering enough courage to take your hand in his. It was warm, full of life. All his fears seemed to melt away, at least for a moment, and he couldn’t help but bring your hand to his lips, pressing heartfelt, soft kisses on your knuckles.

“I thought I lost you.”

His voice was as quiet as it could be and it made you frown your eyebrows in worry. You were happy to see him alive, that was your goal when you decided to push him away from the approaching arrow. However, seeing him so distraught and afraid twisted your insides uncomfortably. The way he held your hand so desperately, afraid to let go. “Dimitri.” You call him quietly, which makes him look at you with those gorgeous eyes of him. You move your hand to his face, caressing his soft skin, trying to bring him even the tiniest amount of comfort.

He leans to your touch as if this is the last moment he’ll ever feel it. You were alive, yet he couldn't help but doubt it. Perhaps it was once again due to the vicious noises he still heard, though faintly. However, he was glad that they allowed him this moment of happiness.

“I won’t leave you.”

He presses a kiss on the palm of your hand, still enjoying the warmth of your touch he missed. All the doubts he had, all the feelings of anger and sadness left him. Your gentle touch took them away and replaced them with a feeling of calm and prosperity. For the first time in hours, he smiled.

“I know.”

[dreamsinger-rose]

Reply to @somuchflippinglitter’s commentary of my TWT Branch’s Character Growth Post

(Did anyone notice how often we see Branch in monochrome in TWT, basically Gray Branch again?)

Hi! @somuchflippinglitter I’m actually happy to see such a long, thoughtful post. You make some good points, and there are other points that, if I may, I’d like to explain my reasoning more clearly. BTW this is a verrry long post that I thought would work better as a separate post rather than a reply to a reply.

The original post (scroll through the comments to see the commentary I’m replying to)

https://dreamsinger-rose.tumblr.com/post/616517422712848384/twt-spoilers-branchs-character-growth

Some of Branch’s actions can be seen as out of character, yes. For me, the main one is how much more mature he seems in some ways, such as not acting as sarcastic as in the first movie, but I have assume that he’s had at least a year of being social and developing meaningful relationships with the other trolls, who no longer regard him as the ‘crazy guy who lives in a bunker and still thinks the bergens are out to get us’, because he did turn out to be right. So he has less reason to be sarcastic, and more reason to care what other people think of him.

Yes, Branch was definitely the “love interest” here. But because he was, he was the one person with the influence to make Poppy listen when it really mattered. Also, I guess you could say it was “rubbed in your face”, but then, he literally told her he loved her in the first movie (which could have been friendship-love). I can see two reasons for Dreamworks to emphasize his love-interest status: to clearly tell the audience he’s IN love with Poppy, and to show he’s grown emotionally-open enough to make the choice to confess to her. This also implies time passing and character growth.

I looked up the symptoms of PTSD and he fit all of them, (in the first movie). But his PTSD wasn’t caused by the singing and dancing that attracted Chef to capture his grandma, it was caused by the trauma of her loss and his subsequent guilt and grief. The ‘not wanting to sing or dance’ was a symptom of his PTSD, not the cause itself.

That’s why after Poppy and the others comforted him and didn’t heap blame on him after he confessed how it was his fault his grandma got killed, Branch’s grief, and especially his guilt (and self-blame) lifted, and right afterward we started to see him healing. His symptoms began to subside. That “happy shout” came after his confession, not before. He was able to sing when Poppy needed it, and that broke the no-sing/no-dance block in his mind, and that helped him heal even more.

I personally have been considering Trolls Holiday canon, and TBGO as an alternate universe, since we know both have wormholes and thus it’s canon, ironically, for there to be other versions of Branch. For example Branch’s bed is vastly different in each. TBGO Branch does have the same basic personality as movie/special Branch but somewhat different experiences.

Either way, Branch’s basic personality to me is someone who is guarded and not very trusting and therefore prone to anxiety when things happen that are outside his control, like how he got all stuttery in Holiday “D-did you say wormhole?” The Trolls to Trolls clips in particular gave me a lot to think about, since he acts a lot less confident in some of them compared to his confidence in the first movie. Totally blew my mind that all Poppy had to do to make him cave in (high-pitched voice/submissive body language) was MENTION his bunker, never mind its location.

It’s true that sexiness is in the eye of the beholder, but actually I have some solid scientific/aesthetic reasons for thinking of Branch as sexy. First, Branch’s character has been designed to look masculine: large nose, mouth, hands, feet. Broad face. Bigger teeth, compared to Poppy. Thick hair, which implies virility, something females unconsciously look for in a mate. Also, rather than letting his hair grow random and kind of ragged like the other male trolls, Branch’s hair is always neatly trimmed, which implies good hygiene, which is also something people find attractive. Whether he’s an animated troll or not, he’s been designed to look very male and therefore appealing to those who like guys.

Second, I’ve read articles/studies on body language and dance choreography. The “hip sway/push toward us” in particular is characteristic of someone trying to attract a romantic partner. His open arms are seen as inviting/welcoming, which is appealing. Also, him pointing his toes toward someone, biting his lip, and what looks like direct eye contact are also body language that says “he’s into you”. The eye contact in particular will be seen as attractive because it implies confidence, which is universally considered one of THE most attractive traits for either/all sexes.

So my point is it’s not so much that he’s an animated troll, but that a live human who has similar features (big hands, etc) and uses the same body language and eye contact is going to be seen as attractive by a large number of viewers, who will respond on an unconscious level. The outward appearance – blue-green skin, long ears, is not really what we’re responding to as far as attractiveness goes. Thus, to me, an adult female; Branch is sexy.

So, by ‘acting out of character’, did you mean because he was (selfishly) having fun as he danced to the new-to-him Kpop and Reggaetron music? Or do you mean you thought since he left Poppy that meant that he was being selfish and protecting only himself?

You’re right that he cared less about music than other things, although since he was the one who liked Country music and he seemed to understand the Funk troll’s story on a deeper level than Poppy, it was my understanding that he DID care. The reason he seemed out of character is because despite Branch’s love for Poppy, we have to remember his basic, unshakable core characteristic: protection/defense.

In the first movie, he built a bunker to protect himself. He expanded that protection to Poppy and his friends and eventually Bridget, because he came to care about them all. We assume that he’s now friends with much more of the village. (I take his random comment “Ah, what a troll,” when talking about Legsly as support for this.) So now his entire village is under his protection.

He had to make the hard choice to go protect the village when he knew Barb would be heading there (Barb didn’t know Poppy had the string) since Poppy wasn’t doing it. And he couldn’t make her, he could only try to persuade her, which he did. So he was behaving true to himself. He IS loyal to Poppy, but when she essentially abandons her post to go to the Rock trolls’ home, he has to step up and do what he feels is the right thing, no matter how badly he wants to keep Poppy safe. That’s why I think he’ll be a good king, since he put the welfare of his people ahead of his need to stay with Poppy.

Branch didn’t go all untrusting with Hickory because Branch didn’t KNOW Hickory betrayed them. He wasn’t there when the disguise came off.

In your take on Branch and Poppy’s relationship, it’s true that them not having a “good connection” felt a little too convenient after all the relationship-building they’d had over the past year or so. To be fair, if you were writing the movie’s script and you needed some reason for Branch to get motivated to try to confess his feelings for Poppy, what do you think might have been a better scenario?

Me, I liked the high-five because it was symbolic of the progress of the relationship – no contact in the first movie, trying but unable to get a strong connection at the beginning of TWT and a strong connection at the end of TWT. But yeah, not being able to make contact made it sound like their relationship had backtracked instead of progressed, which is out of sync with all the previous progress we’ve seen.

I would have loved to have seen more “vulnerable Branch”. They probably had scenes like that, but had to cut them to keep the movie short enough. It could have been laziness, I suppose. But if there had been more scenes like that, the movie would have been a romance story rather than an adventure, and kids probably wouldn’t have liked it as much. I hope we get to see some cut scenes on the DVD. (Me, I would have liked the movie to be like a half-hour longer and all Broppy scenes, haha).

Thanks for taking the time to give me your beautiful long reply to my post, @somuchflippinglitter You were very respectful :) and I honestly think analyzing a kids’ character is really important since kids learn a lot about the world by what they see on TV. Not so much the fantasy, but the way people relate to one another. Like, Branch could have tried to take Poppy back to the village by force, but he let her make the choice that she thought was right, while he did the same. Each respected the other. And I respect you.  

[mushroommouth]

Reworked + Expanded S.J. Lore- Now with EXTRA BUMMERS!

(---submitted by @transistor-rhythm-909)

This is going to say an awful lot about my self worth that I’m doing this to my self insert, BUT

(There is a mention of suicide ideation in here, so uhhh do please tag for that cos I can’t seem to on the browser submission page)

The first major change that sets up the angsty stuff: I’ve decided upon is that he doesn’t do part time work at Dom’s workplace anymore- he still met Dom a few years back and before Mira came into the picture (I wanna say probably around the time Son of the Sun took place, which in my mind was when Cody was about 3 or 4). Where he met Dom I’m not sure, but their relationship progresses more or less the same way- as does S.J.’s relationship with Mira when she enters the picture.

The reason for this change is ‘cos I’ve decided to have S.J.’s sole place of employment be Kathy’s Store, as you can probably figure out. Not inherently angsty on its own, but, well…

As we know, S.J. rolled into town with not much travel cash left and desperately needing a job. He didn’t escape a bad home life or tragic circumstances when he left England, he just felt… stagnant there. Didn’t really know what he wanted to do with his life (as whilst he does make music like IRL me, for him it’s decidedly a hobby, not his career choice). Unfortunately, travelling across America when you don’t drive is Pricey, so. He found himself drawn to Kathy’s store, entirely unsure why- and pretty much from the words “'scuse me lass, you hiring?”, Kathy seemed up for helping him out. Not in an overly sentimental way, mind, but she pretty much said “yeah sure, could use the help, you can use the room upstairs 'til you can find yer own place- by the by, here’s the apt. listings in the paper”.

For the first couple of months his life was pretty normal- he wasn’t allowed all the way in the back of the store and some of Kathy’s quirky behaviours stood out to him, but he rolled with it. Then, one day, he got unintentionally caught in the crossfire between Kathy and Em; I need to work out specific details, but the end result of this is that S.J. essentially became aware not only of the supernatural… existing, but also gained a similar sort of “medium awareness” that Kathy and Em possess. He doesn’t necessarily view himself as a character in a story, and the world he’s in one big narrative, at least not literally, but he’s at least on a similar level of omnipotence as Kathy and Em are now. That is all he has, though; the knowledge. He has no godly powers, no magical capability. He’s still dead normal, otherwise.

This is part of what prompts him to stay in Kathy’s employ, even though she straight up tells him he should walk away and not endanger himself further- after all by then, he has his own place, he’s got cash saved up, and he can find work elsewhere. But S.J. says simply “Now I know what you two do, I can’t just pretend life is the way it was. I’m a part of this now, whether I like it or not.”

Kathy looks extremely guilty for a sec, but he continues; “besides, now I know exactly why you look so sad and so tired all the time. After how kind you were to me- a total stranger- when I rolled up outta nowhere, it wouldn’t sit right with me to leave you in the lurch. You look out for the whole town; let me look out for you.”

So S.J.’s path in live is set; he’s a semi omnipotent being who can’t do much with the knowledge he has except be very, very snarky. He can’t ever go back to his original home even if he wanted to without that knowledge. Factor in that he was already depressed and anxiety riddled to begin with, and you can imagine that if S.J. tried living a normal life and just ignoring this new info… he’d crack under the pressure. And the guilt of leaving Kathy behind. And the stronger guilt of leaving Dom and Miranda alone in a town that he now knows does have it’s hostile secrets that could put them in danger.

And that eats up at him, sometimes. He never intended on going back to England when it was an option, even though he sometimes missed it, but now he can’t he finds he misses it more. He visits, sure, but never longer then a week, and usually only at Christmas. The rest of the time, it’s vid calls or nada, and that’s not the same. And he can’t tell his parents, his friends from home, what he knows- they’ll think he’s mad. He knows he’d think someone was mad if they told him what he knows, if he didn’t know it himself.

But, there is a sweet along with that bitter; Dom and Miranda love him very much, and he loves them. They fill his heart in ways that people back home never did, and though that doesn’t fill the void, it makes it easier when he misses home. He and Kathy grow closer as well- again, not romantically (it’s only IRL me that crushes on Kathy I’m afraid), but as professionals, as friends, as mentor and mentee. And he can- and does- help mitigate some of the crisis’ that befall the town, major and minor, with his limited skillset but vast knowledge. And as it turns out, all S.J. has ever really wanted to do is to help people; to love them and look after them; to do what he can to make other people safe and happy, however small and brief that happiness may sometimes be.

And that keeps him going. Even in his darkest days, when he seriously considers ending his life… he finds he can’t. He can’t leave those he loves, near and far, behind. He can’t hurt them like that. To do so would be a betrayal of his most core ideal: to do no harm, and to love like the world is ending.

Part of why the Micoverse fan-verse I’ve constructed for me stories is given the name “Because I Know How Strong Love Is” comes from the fact that S.J. honestly and earnestly believes in the strength that can be drawn from love- not just romantic or sexual, but familial, platonic, love and passion for concepts and interests, the entire spectrum of love as a concept. He knows, deeply and truly, how in many cases that can save anyone. And in spite of the knowledge he knows, that belief has not changed. No matter what he faces, he won’t stop believing. Em herself can actively try everything in her playbook to break him, and sometimes he may- but she cannot take that belief from him. And he rubs that in her face as much as he can, cos to play off those drawings from the other day, she can say 'I’ll destroy everything you love <3’, and he’ll respond with “That won’t stop me loving, lass. Do your worst.” knowing that she will, and not caring; no matter how disadvantageous his position again her or anything else, he’ll go down fighting and swearing- if he goes down.

(which he sometimes does, but there is one small perk that awakening gave him, even if he is not fully aware of it; death doesn’t stick, to him or to anyone. Not completely, no matter how hard Em or The Shape tries. He remembers each death as though it were a dream and is suspicious that it probably did happen, but he can’t count on that; it doesn’t stop him laying down his life willingly if he feels he must).

TL;DR my self insert is technically aware that he’s a character and is also aware of the true nature of Micoverse’s world and the many universes beyond, but that doesn’t stop him living a life of love and peace and as much fun as he can muster, and in the face of evil or cruelty he stands by his convicting that love wins every time- and will actively make it win if given the chance. (he, uh, doesn’t reveal this info to anyone beyond Kathy though. at least in idea situations; given the in-flux nature of aus, side stories, canon and non canon stuff there will be times where they do become aware somehow- like Casual Danger dialogue- but generally he keeps it on the down low unless he has no choice to reveal what he knows)

This was all btw inspired by that “I’ll destroy everything you love <3” drawing, because something about S.J.’s response of “I know, but I’ll be sassy about it” really made me think 'oh, he KNOWS. he’s got access to the knowledge she and Kathy does. that’s a show of his hand’ and I just kinda wanted to run with it. It won’t always be relevant to every single story- and of course I’d never consider S.J. a canon micoverse character (unless you thought of something neat you could do with him anyway)- but it is a part of his character now innit. Our Boy Knows What’s Up.

[radmanraditz]

Raxceni-Mun’s Zero Tolerance of Shipping Drama, and OOC Jealousy || The Sequel Nobody Wanted

The last time I covered this topic was two and a half months ago when I had a shipping partner who was dissatisfied and decided to leave while simultaneously acting like I disrespected her special little snowflake muse because I didn’t give them the amount of smut and insta-romance they were looking for. Even when I told them over IMs that there was a reason I didn’t go for doing that sort of thing. (More on that can be read here.) Now I get to bring this topic back up again for a new but similar reason. 

A few days ago, on Sunday, it was revealed that one of my oldest roleplay partners and someone who is in a ship with my muse on this blog was being hypocritical and manipulative while trying to spread toxic rumors about another shipping partner and friend of mine, @goodxgonexbad. There was even more going on behind the scenes where Skye made her feel like she could barely post anything without being made to feel awful or guilty for talking about herself on her own blog. I’m not surprised by any of this because Skye has a long infamous history and reputation within the roleplay and DBZ fandom community. We just never knew she’d go this far.

I was extremely disappointed in her when I read and saw all the evidence of what she was doing not just to goodxgonexbad, but pretty much anyone who she felt slighted or threatened by. Many of which are also mutuals of mine. @cruciatusxcervus @data-cat, and others I’ve seen on my dash even if we haven’t interacted before. (Meanwhile she doesn’t seem to mind doing those things to others that she hates having happen to her. Dropped threads, ignoring threads while rping with others etc...)

What 5kye did wasn’t just “voicing her opinions” about goodxgonexbad and the others she was speaking ill of. This wasn’t your average shit talking, or vent session. It was purposefully malicious what she was insinuating to others and she was trying to get people to think ill of another female muse and mun and was motivated by jealousy and other petty reasons. Though Skye’s actions didn’t directly include me, they still had a negative impact on me. A very big, negative one. One that is still making me feel calm rage beneath the surface as I’ve gone about the past couple of days doing what I need to do. One I have a physical reaction to when I think about it. I am not exaggerating on this either. This kind of thing is actually a trigger of mine in the correct sense of the term. This kind of thing hits home hard for me, which is why I said in December that I WILL NOT TOLERATE JEALOUSY OR SHIPPING DRAMA! That includes things done towards my partners and other people in the roleplay community.

Since I try to be optimistic – but not blindly so – when I was new to Tumblr rp I decided I would roleplay with Skye despite all the negative things I had heard about her and her OC. (None of them were as heinous as this incident mind you...) There’s nothing wrong with wanting to give someone new to you a chance because some people can change if they really want to. Sometimes they just need some understanding and patience shown to them, and a chance to learn and grow. 

I gave Skye a chance, and I’m not obligated to give another one after what she’s done. Even if those she directly harmed decide to forgive and give her another chance. What she did was inexcusable in my eyes, especially when in December I put my foot down and said this kind of behavior won’t be tolerated. She’s been aware of my feelings on this matter. (Go look at the notes on that post I first linked to and you’ll see she gave it a like.) Had anyone done these same things to her and I found out about it, I would have been just as furiously protective of her as I am of goodxgonexbad. I’ve spent years dealing with the toxic side of the DBZ fandom and roleplay and I really don’t want to waste my time dealing with any of that mess if I don’t have to. But I won’t stand idly by and pretend like I don’t have an opinion on this kind of thing. I do not take toxic people and repeated unhealthy behavior lightly, because I have YEARS of experience dealing with this thing both in roleplay and IRL. 

So this is me officially stating that when people violate this very basic code of conduct, I am not obligated to continue roleplaying, shipping, or even speaking to them. Dropping my thread/s and dropping my ship with no intention of picking it back up again is what I’m choosing to do in response to what Skye has done. To continue as if everything is okay would feel like I’m condoning the things I vehemently fought against on GaiaOnline and even IRL. Choosing to “move on and pretend like nothing happened” may even enable her and anyone else to feel like this kind of ugly behavior can be looked over as long as they say “sorry” then delete the evidence of their mistake and possibly try to hide what they do again in the future. (Look at the responses then look at the notes...they’re gone because new partners wouldn’t want to see that now would they? I guess to Skye hiatus means go look for new partners and start her cycle all over again.) 

To continue roleplaying and shipping with Skye after all that’s happened would go against my own moral code. I do not easily forgive this sort of thing. Nor do I ever forget betrayal.

I do not enjoy having to make this decision to drop my thread/s and ship with Skye. I explained in great detail a day or two before this happened why I valued the roleplay experience I was having with her. In a lot of ways her ship with Raditz was the most progressive in terms of intimacy, even if it wasn’t a typical fluffy one. I was invested in responding to our thread and having our muses progress as a couple and as characters. But seeing the cattiness and attempts to sabotage goodxgonexbad’s ships with other people and push her out of the roleplay scene out of jealousy – and her being very conscious of her own actions btw – just disgusts me to the very core of my being for a lot of personal reasons that both have and have not been voiced before. It is a valid enough reason to want to put an end to all that.

Know that if you choose to continue to roleplay and talk with her that it is fine. It is your decision to make. All I ask is that you know who you’re dealing with, and you don’t come at me trying to guilt trip me or make me change my mind about what I’ve decided to do in response to this situation. Trust me, I thought long and hard about it. 

I do not have to feel obligated to continue interacting with someone I don’t want to interact with and who makes me uncomfortable in any way, shape or form.

Again, I’ve spent years of my life dealing with a group of people who have done exactly what she’s done on Gaiaonline. People who never changed no matter how hard I tried to get them to cooperate and enjoy a healthy rp environment. They fought dirty, used alternate accounts, plotted against myself and others in shadows behind private messages, while I was willing to be seen in the open and criticized for my beliefs, logic, and reason. It is exhausting physically and emotionally to write things like this post and that response to her OOC post from the other day. I also believe that I should not have to continue to put myself in a position where I’ll have to keep dealing with this.

I have nothing more to say to Skye that would be kind or constructive at this point in time. Other than I hope she learns from this if she can, and that she doesn’t continue targeting other female muses and/or muns like they’re a threat or treating roleplay like it’s a competition and she needs to eliminate her “rivals.” Maybe get some help if she “can’t control her emotions.” For her own sake and the sake of sake of others in the future. 

So far she doesn’t seem to get why being emotionally abusive and making someone in our community feel unwelcome when they did nothing wrong is bad. 

She’s not sorry about what she did to goodxgonexbad. She’s just sorry she got caught and now has lost a lot of partners INCLUDING ME. Something she’s probably aware of since she just made this post and deleted it TODAY!

If you find some way to read this Skye, know that I’m choosing to do this FOR MYSELF AND TO PRESERVE MY OWN ENJOYMENT WITH A HOBBY. NOT BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO BREAK YOU. 

YOU ARE NOT WORTH MY TIME TO BREAK. 

From this day forth my rules will VERY CLEARLY state that malicious actions and attitudes of this sort will not be tolerated. Ever. Not here or on @nappainanotherdimension. 

And I want my current and future rp partners to know they can come and talk with me if something like this happens again with Skye or anyone else. It’s not easy to share your plight because of the fear of not being believed, or sometimes you don’t even know what’s going on, or what to do. I’ve been there too, and you don’t have to deal with it alone. Our roleplay community is kind and understanding for the most part, and chances are you’re valued more than you believe.

Take care of yourselves, everyone. Even you, 5kye.