#she cut me out of her life when she started making riskier choices

[stillgotscars]

your childhood friend defrauded medicare of over $300k?? how??

she worked in the medical field for many years, which gave her the means to make thousands of false claims to medicare under patient’s names — completely unbeknownst to them. what drove her to do it was an extreme gambling addiction. it’s so awful, especially given that the way she went about all of this put several other medical professionals jobs on the line… but it’s also just a really, really devastating thing to find out about someone you had envisioned would be in your life forever. she was genuinely like a sister to me from the time we were 5 up until she cut me out of her life at 17.

[sweetestlamb]

Teenage Dream

Genre: Molasses level fluff and teenage hormones. 

Summary: What if our babies didn't have such traumatic lives and they went to the same high school? Teenage Gang-Tae falls for Mun-Yeong, the moment he sets eyes on her. He just doesn’t notice that she’s not far behind. The misadventures of a boy blindly in love. 

Gang-Tae let his best friend tow him into the their recent hangout spot, Subways, around the corner from their high school. It was always bustling with kids their age after classes were dismissed, most of his classmates came here to relax or the brainiacs would use it as a spot to continue their studying. Gang-Tae alternated between both category depending on the day, he wanted to have a high ranking to impress his mother and older brother, Sang-Tae. But studying all the time was tiring and made him stressed out about all the material he didn't know. He also wanted to impress her. The prettiest girl in their grade and probably all of Korea. Ko Mun-Yeong. He sighed thinking about her, her lustrous chin length hair perfectly curled around her beautiful face, those dark eyes framed by long lashes, her aquiline nose that made her face even more interesting and finally those rosy plush lips. She was the smartest girl in their class, quiet and confident, he read all of her short stories in the school newspaper. His recent favorite was a story she had written about a young boy who learned that bad memories could be helpful for emotional growth. All of your life experiences crafted who you are, if you only remembered the good then you wouldn't have empathy or coping devices when something went askew. She had a unique way of looking at the world and he couldn't stop the crush he had developed on her if he had a choice. She was the whole package,beauty and brains. Unfortunately, this resulted in her immense popularity, which made her unapproachable, there were barely any moments that she was without a crowd of people. Students hanging off her every word, and with the warm timber of her voice he couldn't fault them. Her voice filled all his dreams. Especially the riskier ones. He didn't mean to think of her in such a manner, tried his upmost to respect her, but in the depths of his slumber his imagination created scenarios that made him wake up tangled in moist sheets. Shaking those memories off, he joined the conversation his classmates were having around him, "We need to study for Mr. Kan's science test, if I bring home any more low grades my mom promises she will lock me up in the basement with textbooks." He groaned in agreement, he hadn't done his best on the last exam either and desperately need to do well this time around. They all agreed that this was the best course of action, opening their textbooks to the correct section. The study session went by in a blur, they took a quick break to get sandwiches as brain fuel and then went back to studying. Before, he knew it his head started to feel heavy, he jerked up, taking a big gulp of soda trying to wake himself, it was a short term fix and soon he stopped fighting and laid his head on the table. His classmates voices white noise in the background, he drifted off into a light sleep. Minutes passed by before he was shaken awake by Jae-Su, "Moon Gang-Tae! Are you sleeping? You always slack off when it's time to studying...", he groggily rubbed his sleep laden eyes and then he felt lightning rush through his body. There she was. Alone. Casually sitting, her cute nose in another book, before she checked the time and began to pack up, collecting her trash and without full awareness, he stood with her. "Where are you going? Moon Gang-Tae! We're not done studying!" Jae-Su exasperated voice shouted after him, as he haphazardly snatched all his belongs and raced after her. She hadn't noticed him yet. Peacefully crossing the street, her delicate hands gripping the straps of her book bag, he had ached so many times to offer to carry it for her, to carry her books to class for her and maybe get a smile in appreciation. If there was one thing that made her even prettier, it was her smile. She had the kind of smile that could light up a room. He would do anything if it meant seeing that smile. He stalked closely, it felt invasive following her this way without her consent, the last thing he wanted to do was made her uncomfortable. He raised his fingers through his fringe, hoping his quick nap hadn't completely ruined his hair and with a deep inhalation both for courage and necessity, he called out "Hey....excuse me... um hey." Although he had trailed her for this very purpose he still wasn't mentally prepare to meet her eyes when she turned around. Curiosity and then recognition running through them. A small smile graced her lips as she tilted her head in concession, hands now clasped in the center of her body. Wow. She is even prettier in person, up close. Look at those eyes. They are the prettiest eyes I've ever seen. I could die right now knowing I saw those ey-- "Yes?" Her voice cut through those his traitorous thoughts and he snapped back to reality. She has started to nibble on her lips, question still in her eyes and his mouth felt like a dessert, dry and brittle. He thinks of what he can say that won't scare her away, he doesn't think professing his undying love is right for their first conversation. Maybe their third. Maybe he can ask her what she thought about the school lunch today, what did kids there age even talk about? He feels like an alien in his own body, screaming at himself to say something, anything before she loses her patience and walks away. But all his months of wanting and wishing hadn't prepared him for this moment. In all his dreams, they magically got together and there was none of this overwhelming sea of awkwardness that he was currently drowning in. Say something. Anything!! "I...um I like....you...r um... I like your outfit!" He blurted out, immediately wanting to smack himself in the face, she was wearing the damn school uniform! The same uniform that thousands of other students wore, she was going to think he was a moron and walk away. He had wasted his first impression. Starting to plan his exit, he opened his lips to apologize for wasting her time, he should have just kept watching her from afar, anything was better than this humiliation. But then, she started to giggle, the most melodic soothing giggle, his eyes snapped up from their permanent spot on the ground, to see her covering her mouth with her dainty hands, soft pink nail polish this week. He couldn't believe she wasn't gone. She was here giggling. At something he said. Granted what he said was ridiculously stupid but it didn't matter because she was giggling. He made Ko Mun-Yeong giggle. He wanted to shout it from a rooftop. "Oh this?" She tugged at her uniform collar, "It's one of a kind." With a twinkle in her eye, she knocked him off his metamorphic feet. Laughter burst out from his winded lungs and she laughed with him, shifting comfortably on the heels of her feet. "I know you, I've seen you at school. Moon Gang-Tae? That's your name right?" She knew his name. He tried not to show how much she was knocking his world off balance. He was able to muster up a shaky nod in agreement. "So what did you want to say to me Moon Gang-Tae?" She inquired, checking her watch once again. "I....um....do you have to be somewhere?" He asked in return, hoping he wasn't getting in her way. "My driver, Sang-In was supposed to pick me up but he messaged saying I should just head home on my own." She responded and without a second though his mouth said, "I can walk you. It's dark, I don't ....um what anything to happen to you. I mean if you want me to, I'm using sure you can walk home on your own and..." "Okay." She cut off his rambling, turning to continue her trek as he stood frozen. "Are you coming?" She looked back over her shoulder, and he ran to catch up out of breath and not from his sprint. They walked in silence, his brain racing, disbelief that he was really walking next to her. Maybe he was still asleep in Subways? How could this be reality? He looked over and her, turning his head away when he found her eyes already on his face. Absently, he wondered if he had food on his chin or something, that would be just his luck. Casually, he wiped at his face pretending to have an itch. "Do you always walk girls home? Everyone always says you're so nice but I didn't know to this extent." She teased, making his cheeks redden in shame and pride. He didn't feel very nice right now, he was doing this for his own selfish purposes. After a long pause he broke his silence, "No. This is my first time walking someone home." He answered honestly, knowing that most boys his age had done much more than walk a girl home, but he was as his older brother Sang-Tae described a "hopeless romantic". He knew that other girls at school liked him, or at least found him attractive. He wasn't bad to look at, and he had enjoyed a growth spurt over the summer, making him taller than most boys in his grade and all of the girls. After months of convincing, the basketball coach had convinced him to join their team and that had increased his popularity overnight. But none of those girls were Ko Mun-Yeong. He was polite but never flirty, there was only one girl that had taken a hold of his heart. "Honored to be your first." He blushed at her words, his mind instantly sinking to the gutter. She looked at him as if she knew exactly what he was thinking but thankfully did not comment. Suddenly she stopped, looking up at a high rise building, he quickly realized that they were in the more affluent part of town, with modern buildings and luxury cars. He tried not to be intimidated. He failed, spectacularly. "This is me." She pointed at the sleek building. "Oh. Okay. Get inside safely." He said with a downward shift of his lips, he had hoped that this walk would never end. He hadn't garnered the courage to say anything to her during the rest of the walk. Just quick glances to confirm that she was still there and he hadn't lost his mind. She walked towards large glass doors, before turning back, "Thank you for walking me home, Moon Gang-Tae." She said, beatific smile on her face. He was too stunned to respond and then she was gone. His heart raced as he jogged home, grin on his face, he felt untouchable. Tossing his shoes and book bag at the entrance, he bounded into his house. He heard voices in the kitchen, his mom and Sang-Tae. He rushed to join them for dinner. "What's got you so happy?" His brother instantly questioned him, string bean hanging from his lips. Gang tried to tame his smile, not wanting his too perceptive brother to find out anything. He was always so embarrassing when it came to girls. "Nothing, nothing. I just had a great day." His mom turned around with a smile, "That's great sweetie, how about you go wash up and help your brother set the table?" Knocking Sang-Tae's hand that reached for another string bean. His brother always got hungriest right before they ate dinner. As he washed his hands, with soap and water, his brother swaggered in with a knowing smile on his face. "Okay, who is she?" He dropped the bar of soap at the question, putting all his focus on washing his hands. Giving it his full attention. With a war cry, his brother grabbed him and easily put him in a headlock, he wriggled trying to free himself, splashing water on his brother to counter his attack. "Tell your big brother, there are no secrets in this house!" Sang-Tae shouted ruffling his hair and he groaned at the rough treatment, until his mother's voice called out, "Boys come for dinner, stop playing in the bathroom. You would think I'm raising toddlers..." With one final twist, his brother set him free. "You'll come to me in due time, little brother. " Dinner was delicious as usual, he feigned fatigue to escape early, eager to relive the day. Thoughts of her smile filled his dreams.                     

                       <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 Nerves churned in his stomach as he nodded and hmmed to whatever Jae-Su was talking about, he had already berated him for quote, "Abandoning him like a stray animal to fend for himself." And after his fifth apology, he had ultimately tuned him out, he had bigger things to worry about. Like how he was supposed to act now? He didn't know if walking her home had changed anything? Was he allowed to say good morning to her now? Or did she want him to act the same as before, strangers who didn't acknowledge each other. He didn't want to do the wrong thing. And he couldn't ask Jae-Su, who had adamantly declared that they didn't need girls because they led to the decay of friendship. The only person he could think to ask was his brother, but he didn't want to deal with his smug smirk, You'll come to me in due time little brother. There had to be an easy way to know if a girl wanted you to say good morning to her? Maybe he could say good morning to other girls and use their reactions as a gauge for how Mun-Yeong would respond? He was so consumed in his thoughts that he didn't that the object of his thoughts was right in front of him. "Good morning Moon Gang-Tae." Tripping over nothing, he reached out to grab Jae-Su for support. She had said good morning to him. She was standing with her best friend, Seung-Jae, a quirky girl known for her eccentric style, who always had loads of buttons and stickers on her bag. Before, he could locate his tongue and answer she continued cheekily, "Do you like my outfit today too?" She turned around as if on her own personal run way and his cheeks scorched with the embarrassing memory. He groaned placing his head in his hands. Jae-Su and Seung-Jae both looked on in confusion. With a lift of her lip, she clutched her books to her chest, walking off to her class. "What was that about?" Jae-Su chased him down, as he shook his head, too bashful to explain that particular incident. The day dragged, he was itching to see her again. He wondered what she was doing right now? Definitely not thinking about the idiot who had complimented her uniform. He would never live that down. But still he smiled, it was almost as if they had an inside joke. It was safe to say that he didn't learn anything today, all of his brain capacity busy thinking about his next encounter with Mun-Yeong. Jae-Su had left as soon as school ended, leaving him by himself and he stalked the hallways hoping to accidentally run into Mun-Yeong but after the third lap he gave up, sighing in disappointment. Pushing the school doors open, he squinted his eyes as at the influx of bright light. Due to this light he didn't see the figures, a few places ahead of him. He saw her before he heard her. "I don't need you to wait with me. I would prefer to wait alone." Mun-Yeong. And she sounded.....annoyed. He walked closer, instinctively yearning to protect her from whoever was bothering her. A male voice responded, Gang-Tae vaguely recognized it, Daniel Choi, he was one year above them and the school's heart throb. He even had his own fan club, according to the flyers around school they met on Mondays and Fridays. "It's no problem, I could never leave a pretty girl like you alone on the street, who knows what creeps are out there?" He answered, magnanimously, moving further into Mun-Yeong's personal space. Gang-Tae watched her take a step back. The look in her eye reminded him of his neighbor's cat right before he scratched you for daring to pet him. "You mean like creeps who don't take no for an answer and pester girls who aren't interested, creeps like that?" Daniel laughed, humorlessly, reaching out a hand as if to grab her and Gang-Tae moved before he registered the intent, "Don't touch her." "Don't touch me." They uttered at the same time. Her eyes cut to Gang-Tae in surprise and maybe a bit of relief. Daniel yanked his hand out of his grasp, snidely looking at him, "This has nothing to do with you Moon, mind your business." He stood between them, shielding Mun-Yeong's body with his own. "She said she didn't want you to wait with her, how about you respect that and leave her alone?." He didn't know what was coming over him, he had never been in a fight before. Never even argued with anyone, but he knew in this moment he would do anything it took to maintain her safety. Daniel eyed him, annoyance clear on his face, lips snarling before he rolled his eyes and scoffed, "She's not even that hot. Not worth all this trouble." With that dig, he turned away stomping down the sidewalk until they lost sight of him. Gang-Tae took a deep breath to control his anger, before turning back to Mun-Yeong. "Are you okay?" He briefly scanned her body, she looked fine, perfect actually. Finally she spoke, "Yeah I'm fine. He was just very persistent." "I'm sorry." He apologized, wishing he could have been there sooner, whenever she needed him he wanted to be there, it felt natural to protect her almost like his body was made for it.  "Why? You didn't do anything." "I'm still sorry." She laughed breathlessly, "You really are nice, huh? Probably why you're so popular with the girls." He knew she was teasing him now, her nosed crinkled in the cutest way when she did, but he ached to ask her if she was part of that group. He would trade in all those girls for a chance with her. He was too much of a coward though so instead he said, "What are you waiting for?" She jostled her books in her hands, trying to find a comfortable position, "My driver again, he said there was traffic but he would be here soon." Wordlessly, he extended his hands, gesturing at the heavy textbooks in her hand. She looks back with a blank stare and he almost retracted his hands, but then she leaned forward, placing them in his hands. The tips of their fingers brush during the exchange and he wonders how long he could reasonably go without washing his hands. His mother would have his head. Like their walk the other night, they lapse into silence. He clutches her textbooks to his chest as if they were the finest jewels. He can faintly smell her intoxicating scent lingering on them. Then he recalled her newest story in the school paper, "Zombie Kid", he had tried showing it to Jae-Su but he had denounced it once the mother gave the child her limbs, calling it cryptic and weird. Gang-Tae thought it was brilliant, raw and thought-provoking. Like all her short stories, they had a message if you were willing to look past the surface. "I liked your story. Zombie Kid." He forced the words out, desperate not to waste a second opportunity with her. " You did? Did you get the message?" He nodded, meeting her eyes, "Love is truly what everyone wants, not just to sate their base desires." She lit up  at his answer, excitedly replying "Seung-Jae said I should have probably left out the cannibalism but I thought it served its purpose. Fairy tales should help us wake up from our sugar coated dreams and face reality."

He smiled at her, blown away by her mind. He’d never met anyone like her before.  Suddenly, a car pulled up at their feet, tires screeching and a man in a suit jumped out, "My dearest apology, Ms. Ko, I'm sorry to keep you waiting. I hope it wasn't too much of a bother." He proceeded to collect her bag, and open the car door. "Oh, but I see a friend waited with you. " He looked expectedly at Gang-Tae with clinical eyes, "This is Moon Gang-Tae. He's the nicest boy in my grade." She answered for him, he coughed choking on his own spit. Was nice a good thing? Did girls like nice boys? "Is that so? Well thank you for waiting with Ms. Ko. Would you like a ride as well?" The man offered but he shook his head in refusal, it was such a small space to occupy with Mun-Yeong, he wasn't quite ready for that. "Okay, well we need to get going. Thank you again." And Gang-Tae turned to return Mun-Yeong's textbooks, gently placing them back in her arms. "Thank you Gang-Tae, I'll see you tomorrow." She beamed up at him, hopping into the car, her uniform skirt bouncing distractedly with the movement and he watched it drive away. He smiled all the way home.                               <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3 It was their first game of the new season, coach had been putting them through the ringer, lap after lap, drills until they were sweaty messes on the ground. Gang-Tae wasn't particularly competitive, but he did enjoy the discipline and team building that came with sports. The best team was only as good as their weakest link, coached had drilled that into them, especially the first practices when they were all finding their footing. A fight had broken out because someone had been upset that the ball hadn't been passed to him, claiming that he was the better shooter. Coach Hwai had made them all run 10 extra laps, stating that they suffered as team and won as a team, they would practice until everyone was great shooters. There was literally no "I" in team. They had learned that with sweat and tears. He sat on the bench, stretching, usual nerves in his stomach but also excitement, above all he enjoyed basketball. He searched the stands looking for his brother, he had taken the day off work to watch his first game, his mother hadn't been able to do the same. But she had woken him up with favorite breakfast and a kiss on the cheek for good luck. He spotted Sang-Tae, in the back row, frantically waving at him, proud smile stretched across his face. He hadn't been able to find Mun-Yeong after classes, he had no intention of inviting her to the game, that was too much pressure but he had wanted to let her know that he wouldn't be able to wait with her today. After the first time, it had become a routine, he would wait with her for her driver, Lee Sang-In, and he would happily hold her textbooks. Most times they were silent, sometimes they would talk about their day. He was still extremely shy around her, finding himself tongue twisted at random moments. Still in disbelief that he was allowed to be this close to her. But he loved listening to her, the excitement in her voice infectious when she talked about new ideas for her short stories. How could someone so beautiful also be so smart? It just didn't seem fair. He had given up finally after looking for her for fifteen minutes, coach would have his head if he was late for the game. He sighed, hoping she made it home safely, tensing at the thought of Daniel bothering her again. With a shrill blow of the whistle, the game started with a blur of passes, dribbling and shots. He tried his best to pace himself, taking deep breathes, not wanting to get winded too soon. Suddenly, the ball was in his hands and quickly scanning the court to see if anyone was in a better position than him, seeing that no one was he took the shot. The ball easily slid through the hoop. 2 points. He pumped his fist in the air before turning with exuberant pride, needing to know if his brother saw that and that's when he met the eyes of Mun-Yeong. She was with a group of girls that he had seen at school, but her face was the only one that stood to him. Had she gotten even prettier since yesterday? She cutely waved the pompoms the school provided to everyone in the stands at him, mouthing "Wow." Her lips looked lovely forming around each letter. He didn't feel his team mates pats of congratulations and forgot to look for his brother. It was a struggle after that, he was hyper-aware of her presence and he couldn't focus. He dropped the ball so many times his teammates stopped passing it to him. It was like his first practice, all over again, nerves shooting up and down his skin, his heart beating like a drum, boom, boom, boom.  Half time was a blessing. "Okay team, we're looking good but I need to see more passing. Remember this about teamwork so use each other. But don't be afraid to take shots, you shouldn't be looking for anyone specific, everyone here is capable." He sighed in relief when he wasn't singled out, albeit prematurely, "Moon, I don't know where you are but you need to get your head back in the game. Go for a walk and come back ready." "Yes Coach." His first stop was the bathroom, to splash water on his face. He glared at himself in the mirror, pointing at his reflection, "What are you doing? This is not how we get the girl. Get it together. You can do this." Then with one last shake, he left the bathroom only to collide with Mun-Yeong. She stumbled backwards and impulsively he reached out to steady her by her shoulders, when she looked balanced he pulled his hands back, suddenly shy, he was all sweaty and gross. "So I was waiting for you outside and you didn't show up, when I came inside I heard all the noise coming from the gym and I found out you had a game. How come you didn't tell me?" She inquired, eyes glimpsing down his body, so fast he almost missed it,  she was probably disgusted by how sweaty he was. "I'm sorry. I tried to find you to tell you I couldn't wait with you. Are you okay? Did anyone bother you?" His fist clenched at the idea. She shook her head side to side, "No you worrywart I was fine on the sidewalk, I was just curious why you didn't tell me about your game. Did you not want me there?" He detected....hurt in her voice but that couldn't be right, right? "I..um.. well." He stuttered over his words scared to tell her how much he wanted her everywhere with him but how distracting she was and how much he liked her. He was saved from saying any of that by his brother bursting out from the doors, "Little brother, why are you hiding out here? The game's going to start again soon, your coach looks like he's going to pop a vei--" Sang-Tae paused noticing Mun-Yeong, looking back and forth between them. "Now who might this be? Little brother you didn't tell me you had a pretty girlf-" He ran over, clasping his hand over his brother's big mouth before he would finish that sentence. "Shut. Up." They started to push each other, his brother licking his hand to free himself, ew, he shoved him in retaliation before his brother grappled him into his signature headlock. He tapped in concession until he was freed, only to see Mun-Yeong's retreating back. "Gosh, you're so annoying." He puffed at Sang-Tae looking longingly at her back, not wanting to leave their conversation like that, he hadn't even gotten a chance to explain himself. Hadn't built up the courage to tell her his true feelings yet, he was working hours to it. Slowly. Molasses dripping in summer slow. "Hey miss, with the short hair? I'm sorry I didn't mean to interrupt." Sang-Tae called out, ignoring his punches, beckoning her back. She stopped. Then turned back towards them, as he shuffled awkwardly, not comfortable conversing with her around other people, much less his brother, who knew what would come out of his mouth? When she reached them, Sang-Tae offered his palm, "I'm Gang-Tae's older brother, Moon Sang-Tae and you are...?" She politely shook his hand with a sweet smile, "I'm Ko Mun-Yeong." "Are you two just friends or..." He mischievously glanced between them, his eyebrow wriggling up and down.  "Can you stop? This is why I don't introduce you to anyone." He grumbled, shooting apologetic glances at Mun-Yeong. I'm so sorry my brother is an idiot, please don't stop talking to me.  "We're friends, your brother has a knack for showing up right when I need him, some would say it's destiny." Nose crinkle. She was teasing again. Sang-Tae looked at him with mock awe, "Oh helping ladies in distress huh? I'll take credit for that little brother, you clearly learned that from me." Then one of his team mates slammed the gym doors open, calling his name, there was two minutes until the second half started. Half time over and he didn't feel any more prepared to be back on the court. He started to walk away, unsure of what to say to Mun-Yeong, so instead choosing to run, but his brother had other plans in mind. He grabbed his jersey, bodily yanking him back. "Now miss Mun-Yeong, are you superstitious? Little brother here looks like he could use some luck, he seems a bit distracted. Would you be willing to help him out this time?" He watched her head tilt inquisitively before she answered, "Sure, how can I help him?" "Well, of course a good luck kiss." Gang-Tae felt his brain go offline, shut down. There was no way his brother had actually said what he thought he heard. Sang-Tae was not that crazy. He must have heard wrong. "He's just joking", he smacked his brother, hard, in the stomach, "He has a sick sense of humor, I'll just be going, I'll see you both aft--" "Okay, if you think it'll help." She answered resolutely, calmly approaching him, catching his wrist in her small hand. He held in a gasp. His eyes fixated on her lips, the same lips that had starred in his dreams. He’s never kissed anyone before, but thoughts of doing that with her kept him wake at nights, tossing and turning. At one low point, he had even considered kisses his damn pillow to have some sort of practice for the real thing. 

He couldn’t breathe, it was like all the air had been sucked from the room and his vision blurred until all he could see were her lips. Moving closer, she lifted herself on the tips of her toes, looking like a real ballerina in her black ballet slippers. Her hands taking a hold of his shaking shoulders for balance, and finally soft as a butterfly’s wing, her lips met his cheek. She pressed a little bit harder and with a mwah, it was over. 

Words escaped him. 

“I hope that was enough luck.” With that those final words and a wave, she sauntered away. 

He let out the breath he had been holding in, touching his warm cheek, before turning to his brother in shock and pure jubilation, and did he already say shock? 

“See little brother, I told you all you needed to do was come to me. She seems nice, make sure to keep being a gentle man, impress her.” Sang-Tae clapped him hard on the back, before dragging him back into the court, his legs felt like they jelly.  

They lost the game. He really didn’t care. 

                                                 <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Mun-Yeong hadn’t come to school today, it was her birthday and as usual she was missing. He hoped that meant she had plans with her parents, everyone knew about her parents, her father was a renowned architect known for his amazing skyscrapers in the heart of Seoul and her mother was a famed mystery writer, consistently on the bestseller’s list. Clearly, she had inherited her mother’s passion for words, her own short stories were read by everyone in the school. 

He was sure that her birthday was a huge spectacle in her house, with a banquet of food and gifts that spilled to the floor, she always came in the day after with a new trinket. Gold earrings, a ruby hair pin that made her hair look glossier than normal, designer boots, obviously all birthday gifts. 

That knowledge made him wilt in chagrin as he thought of the measly gift he had gotten for her, when he had mentioned it was her birthday to Sang-Tae he had all but dragged him out the house to purchase a gift for her. “You can’t not get her a gift, haven’t you ever courted a lady before?”  He blushed recalling, the answer was clear, he had never courted anyone and Mun-Yeong was not just anyone, she was perfection.  It was intimidating to say the least. He also wasn’t completely sure what they were? After the kiss incident, they had continued on as normal. 

Greetings in the hallways when they crossed paths, he had started walking her to her class in the morning, happily carrying her books and helping her store them in her homeroom locker. The first time he had felt everyone’s eyes on him in the classroom, as if their presence had paused all conversations in the room. Whispers erupting, “Oh my god are they dating?” “She has never let anyone carry her books before!” “Didn’t she turn down Daniel Choi?” 

Mun-Yeong had acted on as if she didn’t hear the gossip surging around her, instead placing a warm hand on his cheek, thanking him for his help. She sent him off with a honeyed smile, “Thank you. I’ll see you later?” 

He nodded. Walking away, touching his cheek in wonder, again. 

Then it became a routine. He would show up early, waiting for her and carry her books to class, savoring her little touches of gratitude. A warm hand on his cheek, syrupy sweet smiles, eating it all up like he was starved for affection. 

But maybe that’s how friends behaved when they were of opposite sexes, he’d never had a female friend besides Nam Ju-Ri but that was different they barely spoke, he would just find her staring at him at odd times. He didn’t think too much about why. 

Whenever he thought of Mun-Yeong touching others the way she did with him, the urge to punch something came over him. Preferably whoever else was getting her attention. But he never saw her with other boys. Despite all the attention she received, she seemed ignorant to their interest. 

As he caught sight of Seung-Jae he snapped out of his thoughts, he needed to ask her a favor. She was on the phone has he approached her, voice soft but audible, “I’m sorry, do you want me to come over? I can be there in ten minutes..” She trailed off as she turned around to find him standing there. Her eyes lit up as if she had just conjured an extraordinary idea. “You know what, let me call you back. Destiny just showed up.” 

His face twisted in confusion at her words, but he didn’t question her, still thinking of the favor he needed to ask. 

“Moon Gang-Tae, what a pleasant surprise, do you know that today is a very special day?”

Great, they were already on the right track. 

“Yes, I know. I wanted to ask you a favor actually.” 

He had gotten closer to Seung-Jae as a result of hanging out with Mun-Yeong, she was nice and fiercely loyal to her friend. He was happy that Mun-Yeong had a friend like that, at times her other “friends” didn’t seem completely genuine. 

“A favor? What favor? I have something I want to ask you too.” 

She swung her arms, inquisitive look on her round face. 

He clumsily reached into his back, pulling out a box that was wrapped with shiny paper and a simple silver bow. It was thin and rectangular in shape. 

He handed it to Seung-Jae, “Can you...um if you don’t mind, can you give this to Mun-Yeong? It’s nothing special but I wanted to give her a gift.” He mumbled under his breath.

Seung-Jae slowly took the box, surveying it with spacious eyes, illustrating why Mun-Yeong’s playful nickname for her was Bambi. 

“I want to counter your favor with a different favor. Can you bring this to Mun-Yeong yourself?”

He stood silently, perplexed by her question. Why would he do that? He’s never been inside Mun-Yeong’s house, the few times her driver didn’t show up and he walked her home, he had simply done that, walked her home. He would stutter out a quick goodbye and be on his way. 

“You really don’t know huh?” She looked at him like he was the stupidest person on earth before sighing and whispering under her breath, “This guy is really something else.” 

This was hands down the most confounding discussion he had never had. 

“Just take it to her yourself, trust me.” She pushed the box back into his hands, rolling her eyes at him before striding off, “Don’t just stand there. Bring it to her, now.” 

That was how he found himself at the sleek building, twisting his fingers, he didn’t even know how to get to Mun-Yeong. With trepidation, he finally entered going to the front desk, he had never been in a place this fancy. 

“Good afternoon sir, how may I help you?”

“Um...I..um..well.” He floundered over his words, cursing Seung-Jae for placing him in this predicament. Until he got a savior in the form of a snappy, loud driver. 

A strong hand landed on his shoulder and with a jolt, he twisted around, to the calculating eyes of Mun-Yeong’s personal driver, Mr. Lee. 

“Moon Gang-Tae was it? What are you doing here?” 

He felt minuscule under the intense gaze and it took all of his fortitude, not to look away, it felt like a test he couldn’t afford to fail. 

“I am...um I came to bring Mun-Yeong a birthday gift. I know today is her birthday.” 

Mr. Lee’s hand tightened on his shoulder, he quietly winced in pain and then the hand was gone. And he was rewarded with a slight curve of the lip, it was too small to call a smile but it was on its way. 

“Is that so? Okay.” Mr. Lee then turned to the smiling worker at the front desk, and within second he was given a name tag that he carefully placed on his uniform shirt. Moon Gang-Tae. He was informed to go to the sixtieth floor, only one elevator took you there. 

“Don’t hurt her.” Mr. Lee said with iron in his voice, and his steps echoed on the marble floor as he stomped away. 

Gang-Tae stood speechless at his words, hurt her. He would never dream of it. He didn’t have the capacity to even think of hurting her. He was counting the seconds until she decided this friendship was no longer worth her precious time, on that day he would know pain like no other. But him hurt her, inconceivable. 

He shuffled outside the glamorous door, it looked more expensive than everything in his own home. He knew that Mun-Yeong came from wealth, but to see it so visibly was daunting. 

With his heart in his throat, he brought his shivering fist up, curled his fingers and knocked. First softly and when that went unanswered he knocked harder. 

He heard movement behind the door and then she appeared. Looking like a fallen angel in all black, she donned a short black dress with long sleeves and a short pleated shirt, gold buttons shined remarkably on her chest. On her creamy long legs were knee-high socks, his brain stopped and then reset at the sight. 

“Gang-Tae? What are you doing here?” She pulled him in the lavish space, all smooth marble and hard wood. Everything was neat and organized, it looked like something out of an architectural design magazine. 

She looked up at him with dewy eyes and that’s when he noticed the slight red that rimmed them as well. She had been crying and on her birthday, why? That was unacceptable. 

Instinctively he reached out with sure hands, brushing against her eyes, “You’ve been crying? Are you okay?” He yearned to draw her into his arms and fight whoever had made her cry on this special day. 

Her head descended as she rubbed at her eyes, before looking back with a joker smile, only the corners of her mouth moved, “I’m fine. Just had something in my eye.” The lie settled in the air and he allowed her this moment of dishonesty. Sometimes it was hard for him to put his true feelings into words too. Pushing her wouldn’t yield the desired outcome. 

“Anyway, what are you doing here? Did you come to check on me? How did you even get in? I haven’t added you to the guest list yet.”

Yet.  She had plans to add him to some exclusive list, he straightened up in satisfaction. 

“Happy Birthday Mun-Yeong, I brought you a gift.” He pulled the box from where he had it hidden in his pocket, looking away as he pressed it into her hands. 

She gasped, looking between him and the box, unraveling the box and lifting the cover. If he had been looking at her, he would have seen the tears that filled in her eyes, the soft o that formed on her lips, the way her body melted as she saw his present. 

Unfortunately he missed all that. 

On a plush bedding, laid a gold pen, besotted with small diamonds, on the very top sat a larger diamond that sparkled with the natural light that filtered into the room, as she turned it over, her own named stared back at her in looping letters, Ko Mun-Yeong. 

Her silence was unsettling. 

“I know it’s not much....but when I saw it I thought of you. You write such beautiful words, I thought it was..fitting that you have a worthy pen.” 

Silence continued. 

Until there was a whimper and suddenly he had an armful of crying Mun-Yeong. He stood paralyzed as she clutched to him, fingers twisting in his uniform shirt, her tears wet on his chest. Delicately, he brought his arms up to encompass her, trembling fingers on her back and she grounded in closer and that broke his resolve, he wrapped her up tightly, ever so carefully stroking her hair. 

His own heart felt shattered as he felt her break apart in his arms. 

“It’s okay. Don’t cry. Everything is going to be okay.” 

He uttered those words to her, they were lies even to his ears. He was not okay. He needed a minute for his brain to catch up with everything that was occurring. But his drive to protect her overrode his drive to protect himself. 

She tearfully started to talk, “Every year, they tell me they’ll be here. That we’ll eat together as a family, I get so excited. Everyone thinks it’s great having rich parents, but I never see them. I spend all my time alone in this huge apartment, the only person I ever eat with is Sang-In. Then the day after gifts show up, pretty empty gifts that mean nothing to me. I just want...”

The sentence is left incomplete, but the rest is clear, want my parents. I just want love. Zombie Kid becomes clearer. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”  He lets her cry into his shirt, until her whimpers peter off. She doesn’t leave his arms, but he feels her head lifting and he glances down to meet her gaze. 

“Gosh, I’m so sorry I cried all over you.” 

“I didn’t mind, I’m glad I was here to be your tissue.” He means it with all his heart. 

She lets out a wet laugh, “You are the most ridiculous person I’ve ever met.” 

You’re the most amazing person I’ve ever met. One day he’ll say it out loud. 

“I’m relieved my awful gift didn’t make you cry, my brother always says I’m a horrible gift giver.” He reaches back to scratch his neck nervously. 

She looks back down at the pen with wonder-filled eyes, “I love it. It’s the best gift I’ve ever received, every time I write I’ll think of you.” 

Their eyes meets and its as if there is a gravitational pull, she grabs his shoulders and he finds himself leaning down bridging the gap between them, their lips inching closer and closer together, his heart thumping out of his chest, he’s sure she can hear it. She licks her delectable lips, now millimetres away and then his stomach grumbles loudly. The sound loud enough to smack them out of the moment, he violently blushes, wishing that he would sink into the ground. 

Her light giggle permeates the air and as he watches the joy on her face, his shame fades, he would be the butt of every joke if it meant seeing her smile. 

                            <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

He hadn’t expected her to agree, actually hadn’t even meant to ask her, but as usual when around her his brain wasn’t able to function properly. That’s how he found himself inviting her for dinner at his house. Her enthusiasm was unanticipated therefore he knew that he couldn’t rescind the invitation after seeing her elation.  

Alas, they got on a bus and ventured off to his house, he was too terrified of her driver to accept her offer to have him drive them, and once she had put on heeled boots he knew he wouldn’t let her walk the distance. 

Her beauty did not go unnoticed on the bus ride, several times he found himself seething at random men who deemed it appropriate to devour her with their eyes. He didn’t notice her knowing smile as he had placed his body directly behind her, shielding her from their hunger gaze. 

It was with a huge sigh of relief that they finally exited the bus and made the quick walk to his humble abode. Their fingers brushing, the temptation to clasp her hand in his was astronomical. But he fought it off, too much of a coward for something so bold and revealing. 

His house was nothing compared to her luxurious apartment but still her first words were, “It’s lovely.” And his... fondness grew, if that was even possible. 

They both removed their shoes at the door, and his mother’s voice shouted out at the familiar sound, “You’re home a bit late, we were just about to start eating without you.”

He’d thought of calling ahead and asking threatening Sang-Tae to be on his best behavior, he knew they would both make a big deal about this, he’d never brought a girl home before, and never thought his first would be the girl of his dreams but his life was out of control lately. But he’d gotten distracted by the creeps on the bus and defending Mun-Yeong had taken priority. 

“Hi mom, actually.... um I have a...guest.” 

“Oh, is it Jae-Su? Come on in sweetie, I made more than enough food, he can join us.” 

Then he heard Sang-Tae join in, “No, tell him to go eat at his house. He’s always here, doesn’t he have his own family? Little punk.” 

He heard his mother’s resounding smack and Sang-Tae’s answering cry of pain and he walked further into his house, Mun-Yeong following closely behind with folded hands in front of her. He’d never seen her nervous before. 

All of  a sudden, her hand grabbed onto his arm, stalling his progression. He looked at her in question, watching as she nervously fixed her already faultless hair, “How do I look? Do I look okay?” 

She couldn’t be serious. He searched her face for the joke but found nothing but earnest honesty. That took his head for a spin, she didn’t know she was perfect. Wow. 

“You look pretty.” He found himself saying exactly what was on his mind for once, and was instantly glad about his decision, she rewarded him with the most brilliant smile, he desperately hopelessly wanted to kiss it and see if it tasted as mouthwatering as it looked. 

“Listen, it’s not that I don’t like you but you gotta eat at your house.....”  Sang-Tae’s voice trailed off as he rounded the corner and his eyes landed on them, then settling on just Mun-Yeong, his eyes widening in shock and then mischief. Gang-Tae mentally groaned. 

“Brother you brought your pretty...lady friend! How wonderful! Why didn’t you say so? She is always welcome here, come in, come in. Don’t spend all evening in the doorway.” He watched as his brother took Mun-Yeong by her shoulder, guiding her into the house, excitement bubbling in his voice. 

He followed behind them. 

Dinner was loud as usual with his family, he was scared that she would feel overwhelmed but after a few wide-eyed stares she joined the ruckus. Answering all of Sang-Tae’s ludicrous questions and politely complimenting his mother’s cooking, causing her to blush and wave it off.  With a heavy heart he realized that the most important people in his life were all in this room. He blinked away the happy tears that gathered in his eyes as he slurped his noodles. 

“So Mun-Yeong, you look beautiful today.” His mother gestured at her outfit, “Is it a special occasion? Or..”  She nodded and quietly stated, “Yes. Today is my birthday.” 

Gang-Tae watched more questions wash over his family’s face. Why was she spending it here with them? Why wasn’t she with her family? But with a quick slap of his hand on the table, he got their attention and firmly shook his head, no. They understood. 

“Well, thank you for joining us on such a special day. We should sing for you.”

His mother found some candles in a drawer and they stuck it in a cupcake, with only the soft glow from the candle, they sang for her, all ignoring the wetness that swam in her eyes.  Happy birthday to you. 

He waited with her outside, an old jacket of his wrapped around her slender figure, he’d noticed her shivering and shed the jacket immediately to give to her, ignoring her arguments. Lifting her hand and placing it on his stomach, “It’s okay I run hot.” Her fingers had trembled at bit on his stomach, sudden heat in her eyes as well before she drew her fingers back. 

Mr. Lee had sounded surprised that she was not home but had agreed to come collect her. 

The wind blew as they waited for him, sitting on the steps at the entrance of his house. She looked so small swimming in his jacket. His eyes darkened with desire seeing her wrapped up in him. 

“Usually, I spend my birthday alone, ignoring Sang-In and Seung-Jae because I want to believe my parents are going to show up. It’s always so shitty, but today, it wasn’t shitty at all. That’s thanks to you. You always show up when I need you.” 

He tried to decipher the emotion brimming in her eyes, but couldn’t quite place them, he had to be projecting, it was impossible that she was looking at him, the way he looked at her. His brain and his heart warred, screaming opposite messages rendering him lost. 

Then in the blink of an eye, he was found. 

Easily closing the distance between them, her lips found his, a soft press, skin against skin, time slowed down and all he could hear was their staggered breathing. He felt his body move on auto pilot, his hand reaching out to cradle her head, deepening the kiss, her mouth slide open and his tongue slithered in. Her taste exploded on his taste buds and he was eager for more. Her hands sunk into his thick hair, tugging softly, bursts of pain shot through his scalp and he moaned in pleasure. She crawled into his lap and he held on for dear life, pulling her back when she shifted away, lifting her easily and swallowing her gasp. 

They pulled apart with puffy wet lips, the desire in her eyes hitting him like a tidal wave. 

“Where did you learn to kiss like that? How many girls are you saving?” She panted out teasingly, but he could hear an edge of truth in her voice, he blushed both at her inquiry and how unbelievably sexy she sounded. 

“No one. Just you. It’s always been just you.” 

“Good.” And he was pulled into another mind-melting kiss. 

                     <3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3

Suspended. For a week. Principal Oh had scolded him until his ears were scarlet, he’d sat squirming as the man berated him for using his fists instead of his words. His mother was not going to be happy with him, his grades were subpar at most, Mun-Yeong had tried tutoring him but they often got..distracted and most session would end with someone’s tongue in the other’s mouth. It was the absolute best. 

Jae-Su had also not been happy with him, “You’re my best friend what I am going to do without you for a week? Why did you have to punch him? What’s wrong with you lately?”

He hadn’t meant to really, it was like his body went primal and when he came back he was smashing in Daniel’s pompous face. He’d stayed late for practice, Mun-Yeong seeing him off with a warm kiss and “Have a good practice” and he still wasn’t used to that, the fact that he got to have that. Her kisses and her hugs and her smiles. They were all gifts and somehow he’d been lucky enough to be on the receiving end of those precious things. 

That’s when he had heard the voice, “You know she’s just trying to make me jealous right? There’s no way she’d choose you over me, girls like her they enjoy the chase.” The smarmy voice invaded his ears and he walked around him, pushing back his angry and insecurity. He, himself had thought similar ideas before, wondered what a girl like her could see in a guy like him? But she was steadfast, always quick to praise him and tell him what a great boyfriend he was, how happy he made her.  Soon, her words soaked into his skin and he started to believe her. He clung to that now. 

“Or maybe she likes slumming it, has some weird fantasy about being with someone beneath her. Bet she likes it roug--” And he never got to finish that disgusting sentence because Gang-Tae’s fist interrupted, slamming hard into his mouth, Daniel grabbed his face in shocked pain and suddenly they were wrestling limps on the ground. Coach had been the one to break them up, all of his basketball teammates looking on in awe, in pure disbelief at the participants of the fight. 

He sighed at the memory, it wasn’t his proudest moment, he was of the mindset that fighting didn’t solve anything but damn it had felt good to knock the smug smile off that bastard’s face. He could eat shit in the nicest way possible. 

However, now with time process, he was definitely second guessing his sporadic decision, how would Mun-Yeong feel about his fighting? She had mentioned on many occasions that she hated men who acted like women were a prize to be fought over, that’s why she loved how calm and rational he was. He groaned. 

He was so lost in his thoughts, that he missed the knock at his door. Then he jumped as it turned to pounding. He dropped the towel filled with ice that he was using to ice his knuckles and went to the door, cautiously pulling it open. 

Mun-Yeong instantly pushed her way in, speedily removing her shoes, before taking his hand and dragging him into his living room. She shoved him into the couch before plopping next to him. 

The stark anger on her pretty face shifted to worry when she saw the various bruises on his face, his lip was busted and he had a cut next to his right eye. it stung a little but he had carefully cleaned it when he got home, employing all the first aid techniques his mother had taught him. 

“I heard you got suspended! What happened? Why didn’t you call me right away? Who were you fighting? Are you crazy?” She fired off question after question, voice raising in octave after each other and he placed a finger on her lips to stop the diatribe of words. 

“I can’t answer your questions, if you keep asking me new ones.” 

She scoffed crossing her arms but quieted down, looking at him expectedly, okay go ahead, explain. 

“Well as you heard I got into a fight. I’m not proud of that but he had it coming, I would do it again.” He answered with conviction, her eyebrows lifted in surprise at his eyes. 

“What were you fighting about?”

The one question he didn’t want to answer. He loathed the idea of being another neanderthal in her eyes, someone who couldn’t control themselves and lashed out like a child. That wasn’t who he was, but his actions today said otherwise. The last thing he wanted was for her view of him to be altered. Losing her would break him, he knew it. 

But he also couldn’t lie. When they had stumbled into this relationship, she’d made him swear that no matter how painful it may be, she always wanted the truth in its entirety. Up until today, that had been an easy request to honor. 

So he stayed silent. 

She moved closer, gentle fingers brushing over his bruises, pulling back as he winced. “Tell me, why did you fight today?”

With a quiet plead he begged, “Please, I don’t want to.” 

With finality she responded, “It was about me then, you fought someone trying to defend me.”

His head snapped up to look at her- how an earth did she know?-  expecting to see disappointment and instead he was met with....passion? She took his silence as agreement and her next words knocked him off his feet, “I know I shouldn’t but I find that really.....hot.” 

He gaped at her and suddenly, she lunged at him and he was knocked onto his back on the couch, her body smashed against his. “Will it hurt if I kiss you?” She breathlessly asked and he grabbed her neck, pulling her into a heated kiss. Wet tongues twirling and stroking, her breath hitched when he grabbed her waist, dragging her impossibly closer. Wet smacks reverberated in the room and he hissed when he felt her cool fingers creep under his shirt, nails scratching across his abs. 

The first time she’d seen him shirtless, she had gasped and then reached out with a bold hand, caressing his skin, “Mmmm all mine.” His cheeks had burned but he hadn’t argued, he was all hers, there was no competition. 

But they hadn’t gone beyond kissing yet, she would eagerly reach under his shirt during their make out sessions but he had yet to return the favor, despite her encouragement. He was scared of his own reaction. 

She loved bulldozing over his comfort zone though and seeming emboldened today she leaned back, he missed her body on his instantly, suppressing his own sad whimper, he raptly watched her.  She plucked his hands from there stationary position on his sides and lifted them, then slowly she brought them closer to herself. Soon the destination became clear. 

Her breast. 

His hands tense in fear and anticipation, before he felt the soft mounds underneath his hands. Electricity rapidly moved through his fingers. “Touch me.” She whispered with a sultry look from beneath dark lashes and he squeezed. 

She easily climbed into his lap, rejoining their lips, forcing his mouth open with her tongue, as she moaned at his hands exploration of her breast, he could feel her hard nipples through the thin material of her uniform shirt. She began to grind on his him, he realized with thunderous clarify that he was hard, all of the blood surging to his burgeoning erection. 

Instinctively, he grinded up into her, moving one hand to tug her skirt up and out of the way, groaning at the sudden heat he could feel though her panties. She was panting, bobbing in his lap, as they grinded through their clothes. 

Wet mouths met over and over, until they just hovered over each other’s lips, breathing into each other as their bodies met in harsh collisions. She was moving faster now, grinding with intent as he roughly handled her breasts and he felt the moment she reached euphoria, she threw her head back, nails digging into her shoulder as she shuddered in his arms. 

He watched her face intently, her pretty red lips, her eyes closed in pleasure and that was all it took to push him over the edge, his orgasm knocked him back, his vision clouded up and he groaned at the warm stickiness in his pants. 

“Next time we’ll do that with less clothes.” 

He mewled at her words, too spent to become hard again so soon. 

After freshening up in the bathroom, she’d dragged him into his bed, snuggling into his arms, he started to pull away knowing that this was a dangerous game they were playing, they couldn’t fall asleep. His mother was accepting but even she would not want two horny teenagers in bed in her house. She soothed him, “Don’t worry, I’m not staying I just want to cuddle a little. I set an alarm, I’ll leave soon. Just hold me.”

He wrapped her up in his arms, as she placed her hand and head on his chest. Fingers rapping on his chest before she fell into a deep slumber. He watched her sleeping face in awe, she was his girlfriend and they had just...did that on the couch. 

He felt his own eyes getting heavy with sleep, and soon started to drift off too, for once not having any dreams, because his biggest dream was already a reality. 

[silverhandy]

I saw the devil (in me) - chapter 7

ao3 I chapter 1 I chapter 2 I chapter 3 I chapter 4 I chapter 5 I chapter 6

To Takemura’s surprise, it didn’t take much convincing to get Viktor to come with him to see the netrunner. At first, the ripperdoc was hesitant, gently suggesting that Takemura should just wait for his hand to heal, there was no need to jump into netrunning and that he’s free to stay at the ripperdoc’s place for as long as he needs to, but something about the other man’s tone made him yield and here they were, a few days later, walking down the slippery stairs on the edges of Charter Hill. 

The temperature has risen just enough for the ice encasing the steps to melt, making the simple ordeal of walking down that much riskier, but eventually, they managed without slipping. Viktor had already closed the clinic for the night and just as Takemura had before, they’ve decided to just walk the distance between Misty’s shop and Akiko’s basement. Despite the foul weather, Takemura found the experience rather enjoyable, the way Viktor shared his anecdotes and took in Takemura’s comments. He had to admit, he never knew small talk could be this easy. Takemura would by no means call himself awkward, taking great pride in being able to navigate a wide array of social settings, but the point of such conversations often escaped him; instead, he preferred to get straight to the point, without wasting time on chatter devoid of any clear purpose. With Viktor, it was different, he’d go as far as to say that the meaningless exchange felt almost natural - nothing needed to be reviewed, decided, or discussed, leaving them with an opportunity to just enjoy each other’s presence.

Takemura pushed the heavy door open, leading the way as they both walked into the familiar, dark corridor. Leaving muddy footsteps on the concrete floor, they walked further into the building, and eventually, they reached the bigger room. Takemura noticed that Akiko was no longer busy tinkering with her hardware, but sitting in front of one of the many monitors, face furrowed in concentration as she typed away at the keyboard. She lifted her eyes and waved at Takemura, beckoning him to come in before she got up, typing in some last commands before she finally allowed her hands to get away from the keyboard and started walking up towards Takemura to properly greet her client. Suddenly, without an apparent reason, Akiko stopped halfway, her smile dropping almost immediately.

Perplexed, Takemura turned his head just in time to see Viktor freeze. The ripperdoc was staring at the woman as if he saw a ghost, throat jumping as he swallowed heavily.

“Viktor.” she spat out his name through gritted teeth like it was some kind of a curse, her brows furrowed in a clear expression of disgust.

“Akiko,” he echoed, still standing at the door, seemingly not daring to step inside the basement. Takemura couldn’t quite make out his eyes from behind the tinted shades, but the man’s voice told him he wasn’t trying to match the amount of venom Akiko managed to put in a single word. Quite the opposite, Viktor’s tone was almost apprehensive, gone was his usual steady confidence he carried himself with on their way here, The silence that fell on the netrunner’s workshop was almost palatable, so Takemura opened his mouth to say something, anything to break it, but Akiko was faster.

“You got some nerve, showin’ up here.”

“Listen, I-” before Viktor could finish, the woman turned her piercing gaze to Takemura.

“I tell you to bring in someone you trust and that’s who you go for?” Akiko scoffed. “Bold choice.”

Takemura had to admit, he was surprised by her reaction to the other man’s presence but didn’t let it reach his face. A sudden irritation swelled up in his chest upon hearing her words and he didn’t even think before words started escaping his mouth:

“Nevertheless, I stand by it.” Takemura replied, his tone colder than intended. “He saved my life, more than once. If that isn’t enough, you still owe me. I do not think there is much room for discussion here.”

“Goro, I don’t think this is necessary.” Viktor’s voice came from behind him.

“I happen to think it is.” the other man replied, eying the netrunner, his silver optics glistering. Akiko was still standing with her arms crossed over her chest, a stern expression on her face. She refused to break eye contact, not allowing herself to be beaten in this small, meaningless game of wills, but eventually, let out a sigh.

“Fine.” she finally said. “ but afterward, you’ll never bring him here again. Wear this,” she tossed a netrunning suit at him. “and get in the damn chair.”

                                                              ***

“So what, you fry his brain? With no active cyberware, his output capacity for netrunning is-”

“Perfectly fine for a short dive like that.” she snarled, firing up one of the monitors.

“So you’ve done this before?” mockery rang in Viktor’s voice, a tone so unfitting to him it made Takemura cringe.

“There is always a risk of-” this time, Akiko was on the defensive, angrily smashing her fingers on the interface, not even looking away from the screen as she spoke.

“Then how about, for once, you actually-” Viktor started, but Takemura swiftly cut him off mid-sentence.

“Enough! Do not talk about me like I am not here. I do not know what it is between you two, but I would appreciate it if you could put it aside, just for a second.”

They both looked at him surprised, but dropped the banter, limiting themselves to exchanging glares and singular words as each set up their respective equipment. After a few more minutes, Akiko hopped onto the other chair, adjusting a few parameters on the screen above it before finally pushing it aside and plugging her personal link into the port.

“Let’s get this over with.” with that, her eyes rolled back into her skull, whites glistering. Takemura could see a soft glow that her eyelids didn’t manage to block and looked over to Viktor, netrunning cord in hand.

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” the ripper said, pushing up the glasses with his free hand.

“You were not this hesitant when I first asked.” Takemura pointed out.

“I know, but-” Viktor started, but just shook his hand. “anyway, you’ve made your decision, I don’t really have a say beyond giving you advice.”

“Is it medical advice or a friendly one?”

“Between you and me, a bit of both,” Viktor said, but seeing the other man’s expression, he just handed him the cord. Takemura plugged it in without a word and allowed himself to lay back, resting his head on the leather headboard.

For a brief second, his vision glitched. Takemura turned his head to look at Viktor once more, but before he could say anything else, the image started to blur and then bleed over, warping the room into an unrecognizable array of colors and shapes before that, too, was replaced by pitch darkness. Takemura felt as if the soft leather of the chair he was lying on had melted away, replaced by pure nothingness as he felt himself fall, gaining momentum with each passing millisecond. He tried moving his hands, just to see if he could, if not to stop the fall, but before he managed to force his limbs to move, it came to an abrupt stop. When he looked down, the floor he was standing on lighted up with soft, blue light with each step he took. Takemura turned his head to look around, the illuminated structures rising right in front of his eyes. He could see them shifting, thousands of lines of code wriggling like a can of worms, a perfect military unit, moving into position.

When it finally settled, he wasn’t sure he was seeing it right.

The stairs he had been standing on were bare, no handle or barrier to stop an eventual fall. Looking behind his shoulder in search of Akiko, Takemura started walking up, passing the rigid structures of scaffolding around the construction site until finally, he reached a rooftop. Before he had a chance to take in his surroundings, his eyes landed on a figure standing on the edge, the red strings of code of her silhouette contrasting sharply with the blues and blacks surrounding them. The woman had her arms crossed over her chest and she was casually leaning on the railing. Had they been in a different place, Takemura would say she was admiring the sunset, but since there was nothing of this sort to speak of in this bottomless pit of data, only darkness beneath them, it was only a brief thought. He walked in closer, his footsteps echoing on nothing. With every step he took, he felt his stomach sink further as the women’s silhouette materialized in more and more detail. Her short, frizzy hair stood out in every possible direction, strands moving slightly with the nonexistent wind.

“V?” his voice came out coarse, but the syllable carried through the empty space between them. The woman stirred but did not turn, eyes fixed on something far in the horizon, something only she could see. He took a few more steps forward, closing the distance between them, and stood next to her, putting his arms on the railing. The area beneath them was no longer empty, the second he laid his eyes on the digital landscape, data started pouring together to form shapes, an intricate composition of buildings. It was only a draft of the real thing, devoid of any real detail, but it was more than enough. They were looking at a shadow of Arasaka Industrial Park.

Takemura turned his head to V, or rather to whatever digital footprint of her remained. She was still not acknowledging his presence, but as she stared far into the complex beneath them or at the sunset which beauty he could not see, she was smiling.

“Takemura.” it came from somewhere behind him. He turned, startled, and saw Akiko approaching him from the other side of the platform. When he looked back to where V was standing, he saw she was no longer there. A fleeting memory.

“Why are we here?” he asked, voice echoing against the nonexistent walls.

“It highly depends on what is that ‘here’ you’re speaking of.” Akiko raised her eyebrows, though something in her expression told him she knew perfectly well what he had in mind.

“So it looks different to you?”

“Yeah. What you’re seeing is just your brain’s attempt to visualize the plethora of data going through it. It fishes for a familiar place to ease the neural strain. Now come on, let’s go get what we came here for, no need to linger.”

                                                               ***

His vision still hadn't cleared by the time he and Viktor gathered up to leave, a slightly blurry notification popping up on his interface informing him of an incoming transaction. He accepted with a flicker of the eye and watched as his account balance quadrupled with the money he and Akiko recovered. It should be just enough to get him back on his feet, at least until he figures out what to do next, but first things first, he had to pay Viktor back.

“And Takemura?” Akiko shouted behind him right as they were about to leave. “We’re even.”

They walked back to Viktor’s apartment in complete silence, snow creaking beneath their boots as they turned each corner, both lost deep in their own thoughts. By the time they reached the megablock, it was well past midnight, but it didn’t mean the social hubs of the building were any more empty. They passed through them quickly and eventually found themselves back in Viktor’s place, shedding off their coats and throwing them over the desk’s chair almost in unison.

It was Viktor who finally broke the silence.

“Let me rewrap that for you.” Viktor gestured toward the other man’s arm. “Afterwards, we can sit down and talk, maybe crack a beer or two open. Reckon it’ll do both of us some good” Takemura nodded and watched the ripperdoc walk away from the table towards the bathroom. Takemura could hear the rattling of medical supplies as Viktor gathered everything he needed from a small cabinet above the sink. Still intrigued by whatever went down between Viktor and Akiko back in her lair, Takemura took a seat at the counter, quickly unbuttoning the cuffs and rolling the shirt’s sleeve up to reveal the bandaged arm. He didn’t have much time to ponder before Viktor finally emerged and put the supplies on the counter in front of them before hopping onto the chair himself.

There were more cuts than he remembered, places where Viktor went in with a scalpel to replace some of his ruined cyberware. The cuts were still angry red, but in much better condition than they had the right to be after such a short time, neat stitching pulling the broken skin together. Takemura knew they’re going to scar, but at the very least he still had an arm. He watched silently as Viktor worked, cleaning the wounds with an antiseptic before putting fresh gauze over them.

There was something about Viktor that made Takemura want to lean into the touch. He was used to doctors, having been injured countless times in the course of his service to the Arasakas, but there was a jarring difference between the way the ripperdoc was looking over the cuts, none of the impersonal, clinical touch that Takemura was accustomed to. He took a deep breath in, dismissing the thought and pushing it as far down his consciousness as it’d go. It was not the time for such indulgences.

“I apologize,” Takemura finally said. “Perhaps I should not have acted this aggressively. I should not have intervened between you two to reach my own goal, since it was clearly a personal matter.”

“Nah, it’s fine. I’m glad you spoke up before we had a chance to jump to each others' throats,” the ripperdoc said, not lifting his gaze, still fixed on the other man’s arm. “I guess I owe you an explanation.”

“I have to admit I am curious,” Takemura said, this time choosing his words carefully. “but you do not owe me anything. If you prefer to keep this a private matter, it is fine. I would not hold that against you.”

“Don’t worry,” Viktor replied, pinning the fresh bandage in place. “I have to warn you, though. It’s a long one, so we might as well move to the couch. Let me grab some beer from the fridge.” and with that, he hopped off the chair. Takemura followed and settled on the sofa, Viktor soon joining him and handing him a bottle before sitting down.

“By the 60s, my boxing career was coming to an end. You see, cyberware in sports wasn't strictly regulated until not even a decade ago and more than a few lads took advantage. New guys came in, with implants padding their brains, and with how expensive those things used to be back then, there was no way I could afford even the smallest piece of cyberware. Soon enough, I found myself patching the guys on ringside more often than throwing punches and that’s when someone from Trauma noticed me. You have to understand that for a guy from Heywood, this was an opportunity of a lifetime. Most of the guys there are ex-military, so I was an odd one, but I didn’t allow myself to lag behind. Most of the time I didn’t feel like socializing, but I brought enough practical skills to the table that the others respected me.

A few months into the program, they added another guy to our unit. His name was Takeshi and he moved to Night City shortly before that, from the Kyoto branch of Trauma. Still had a few months of basic training to do, so they placed him with us. Takeshi was off to a rough start, dropped into our group a few months in, everyone already a part of their own little clique. Some of them didn’t take too kindly to a newcomer and I can’t blame them, considering the way Trauma medics are trained to work like one organism. It takes trust to build this level of coordination, so Takeshi had a lot to prove” Viktor paused, taking a sip from the bottle. “and let me tell you, he delivered.”

“That is him in the photo, yes?” Takemura asked, gesturing toward the small collection of pictures to their right. Viktor nodded.

“I never quite dropped boxing, it was an excellent way to stay in shape for a job like that, so I’d always stay behind in the gym to practice after the place emptied in the evenings. One night, Takeshi stayed behind too, watching me for a good while. I didn’t make anything of it, figuring he’ll eventually get bored and leave, but instead he asked me for a sparring.” Viktor chuckled at the memory. “my first thought was that he was joking. The guy was way smaller than me and the insinuation that he’d be able to take me on was laughable and that’s what I did. Presumptuous, I know.” he added, noticing Takemura’s expression. “but I didn’t know any better back then. I thought we’d be done in seconds.”

“And were you?” Takemura asked, taking a sip from his own bottle. The beer had a rich, somewhat spicy taste that lingered after. He could feel his lips smirking against the cold glass, already knowing where Viktor’s story was going.

“Oh, we were. With me sprawled on the ground.” the ripperdoc let out a short laugh. “As you see, I made the mistake of underappreciating him. After that, we��d often stay behind together practicing. Soon enough, we started to meet outside of it too, often spending weekends going from bar to bar. As it turned out, he wasn’t the quiet guy I took him for, turning out to be quite chatty. He’d tell me all about his life back in Kyoto, not to mention he was quite opinionated about Night City, especially the local food, just as you are.” Takemura opened his mouth to ask how Viktor could possibly know that, but then it hit him. V must’ve told him all about the time they spent together.

“Doing a gig for Trauma was the fastest way for him to get a medical license and stay in the US for good, but he was probably the least trigger happy person I’ve ever known. Would make a great hospital doctor, with his bedside manner, but bureaucracy made it impossible for him to just hop positions like that. Months went by and we graduated, by dumb luck ending up in the same unit. Two years down the line and he comes to me, the stupidest grin on his face, telling me he met a girl.”

“Akiko?”

“Yeah. She was starting at Arasaka back then, climbing her way up the information security department. She never really liked me, but they hit it right off, another two years pass and he invites me to their wedding, even asked me to be his best man. Best party I’ve ever been to. It all seemed to be working out for us, he was happily married and we both landed great jobs. That is, before corporate started rubbing their hands all over it.”

“Isn’t Trauma a private corporation in and on itself?

“It is, but bear with me. When you’re a regular armed medic, you don’t really feel all the pressure coming from above, but the higher up you go, the more entangled you get. I’m sure you know what I mean.

“You might say so.”

“Then I’m sure you know, most likely better than anyone else, that it’s just a matter of time before those things start to get complicated. But that’s a whole different story, a less happy one, but it explains why Akiko reacted the way she did when she saw me this evening.” Viktor said, leaning back on the sofa and taking another swing from the bottle. “but I guess neither of us has anywhere else to be right now.”

“I believe so,” Takemura replied, placing his beer on the small coffee table in front of them.

“Alright then. You know, I’m not superstitious, but that day, I knew something bad would happen. I just didn’t think it'd be like this.”

[ksfd89]

Rory’s Impulsiveness

Throughout Gilmore Girls Rory goes through various character changes as she becomes an adult.  Although she’s less demure and more social by the end of the series, many of her main traits remain, including issues with impulsiveness.  Rory struggles with head over heart, overthinking so strongly that she’s afraid to take action, and when impulse takes over it often has lasting effects for her character.

Rory’s impulsiveness is shown in varying lights across the seasons.  During the first season, a glimpses of Rory’s impulsiveness are shown through her admitting her crush on Dean, secretly seeing him after her birthday party, and later as Rory runs away to Richard and Emily’s house during a fight with Lorelai.  For the most part, Rory’s impulsiveness is restrained until season finales.  At the end of S1 Dean come to Rory’s school and, unable to bear him walking him away, she calls out for him to stay ‘because I love you, you idiot!’

It’s a moment of impulsiveness which instantly rights the wrongs triggering their breakup - Rory is able to tell Dean she loves him and her heartbreak of the previous episodes ends.  The season is capped with Rory and Lorelai jumping up and down in the town square, dizzy with happiness.  Everything seems simple and certain and safe in Rory’s world.  In S2 things start getting more complicated.  Luke’s nephew, Jess, moves to Stars Hollow, and is instantly drawn to Rory.  In return, Rory begins getting feelings for him too, but staunchly denies them  Her mother, best friend and essentially all of the town write Jess off as a troublemaker and warn Rory away from Jess, reminding her of how good she has it with Dean.  Despite being thrilled at time spent with Jess (such as when he drops off the care package and choosing to spend the bid-a-basket festival with him, impulsively calling him afterwards) Rory pulls away from her crush.  When Jess moves back to New York, after an evening spent distracting each other and driving around after getting icecream, Rory impulsively goes to New York to see him without telling anyone and without any plan.

It is only when Rory is delayed getting home that she admits the trip to Lorelai but, when her mother suggests she has feelings for Jess, Rory whips into denial.  When Jess sees her at Sookie’s wedding, telling Rory he simply ‘came back’ Rory runs to him and kisses Jess impulsively, letting her heart take over. She breaks away soon after, telling Jess not to say anything, and literally runs away, unable to understand what she did.

In S3 Rory returns from Washington, having spent the summer away from Stars Hollow.  She is unable to communicate with Jess, afraid of what her impulsiveness meant, and the opening shot depicts her writing a letter she can’t complete. Despite still being attracted to Jess, Rory refuses to act on it, instead making jealous remarks until Dean finally breaks up with her at the dance marathon.  Once together, Rory struggles with new emotions and a sexual tension unexperienced before and, although it isn’t acted on, she tells Jess to ‘keep thinking what you’re thinking’.  Towards the end of the season she and Jess come close to sex at a party but Rory stops the situation, stating it’s the wrong place to be having her first time.  She and Jess fight and Jess, unable to communicate that he’s upset over dropping out of high school and his father being in town, leaves without telling Rory.  Utterly devastated, Rory is unable to voice to anyone how hurt she truly feels and, when Jess comes back into her life she refuses to give him another chance.  Jess now represents to her the dangers of impulse, and, now married, Dean seems stable and safe in comparison.  Unhappy in his marriage Dean secretly starts seeing Rory and, at the end of the fourth season, the two act their feelings.  Impulsively, Rory loses her virginity to Dean, convinced he still loves her and can ease the pain and loneliness she’s felt all year.  Interestingly, it’s the same date as Sookie and Jackson’s wedding, the anniversary of Rory’s impulsive kiss with Jess.  Her moment with him is portrayed in a sweet light; Rory is growing out of her childhood role and relationship towards more adult feelings, but her happiness with Dean is broken away almost instantly with Lorelai.  Rory can’t go back to how things were, Dean is married and she was cheating with him, and it was an impulse she should have resisted.

In S5 Rory continues to see Dean after he gets divorced, but it’s largely unhappy and shortlived.  Rory, who allowed herself to give into an impulse with Dean, is unwilling to end what they’ve started because to do so would admit it’s a mistake and not really love.  Her head tells her Dean is a safe choice and Rory clings to him, feeling that her passion for Jess was what destroyed it.  Despite this, Rory breaks away from Dean, getting more involved with her life at Yale and discovering the Life and Death Brigade.  Although she doesn’t act on it, like before, Dean breaks up with her in front of a crowd, telling her he doesn’t belong in her wealthy world after Rory is late to meet him at her grandparents’ party.  Logan Huntzberger, who caught Rory’s attention at the start of the season, is there to comfort her and Rory quickly falls for him. At a Life and Death Brigade event Logan tells Rory she’s sheltered and looks like she needs ‘a little adventure’, encouraging her to be more impulsive as a whole.  Holding his hand, Rory jumps from safety into a world which remained elusive until now. 

Strongly attracted to Logan, Rory isn’t put off by him telling her he’s not a ‘commitment guy’ and decides to try being casual with him, and seem less ‘mouse-like’.  At her grandparents’ vow renewal she takes Logan into a side room where the two almost have sex before being walked in on.  Rory attempts being casual with Logan in the weeks that follow, but can’t relax into the role, eventually admitting she’s a ‘girlfriend girl’.  Logan decides to try commitment and for a while things seem steady until, during an internship for Logan’s father, Rory is informed that she isn’t cut out to be a journalist.  Completely crushed, she decides to be reckless in order to forget about it, and encourages Logan to steal a yacht.  The impulse lands Rory in jail and then with community service, and eventually to her dropping out of Yale.  After a long fight with Lorelai and months of living with her grandparents and partying with Logan, Jess surprises Rory with a visit in the sixth season.  In the years since he’s seen her, Jess has written a book, found a place to live and turned his life around.  While still having a sarcastic sense of humour and knowledge that formal education wasn’t the right route for him, Jess has grown out of his adolescent impulsiveness that caused poorer choices when he was younger.  In a sudden reversal, he is the more mature out of the two, and informs Rory that it was a mistake to quit school and they used to make fun of guys like Logan.  Rory’s belief that being with Logan is adventure is challenged, implying that she’s clinging more to a comfort zone than breaking out of it.  After Jess leaves Rory moves in with Lane, goes back to school and makes up with her mother and, despite staying with Logan, something has shifted between them.  Near the end of S6 Rory goes to Philadelphia to see the open house at Truncheon, where Jess works.  As the room empties Jess goes to sit with Rory who excitedly and impulsively talks about all the things she wants to write and create from being there.  As they talk, they get closer, and, without warning, Rory and Jess kiss.

As with the kiss at Sookie’s wedding, Rory bolts, afraid of what the kiss means.  Desperate telling Jess she loves Logan, she refuses to stay, and he simply replies it is what it is, you me.  Upon Rory’s return, Logan gets in an accident and any chance of Rory rethinking her relationship are essentially voided.  In the seventh season, Rory works towards finding a life after college but, when Logan proposes, she turns him down, deciding it would be an adventure too far and chooses to seek one alone.  Years later in AYITL Rory and Logan have reunited, after the death of Richard, and are having the kind of casual relationship they attempted in S5.  Rory claims to be happy with the arrangement but is upset if Logan cancels on her, feeling used.  Impulsively, she sleeps with a stranger during a trip to New York and the night is a catalyst for Rory to admit to all the uncertainty she’s experiencing,and is left feeling unresolved.  In Summer, whilst living at home and working for the local newspaper, Jess surprises her again.  After confessing how unhappy she is, and no longer feeling like herself, Jess encourages her to write a book.  A leap into a new project gives Rory new focus, and she starts feeling less aimless.  After deciding to end her arrangement with Logan, Rory goes on one final adventure with him and his friends.  She impulsively sleeps with Logan but, after he wakes, tells him they have to move on. The kind of shortlived, impulsive adventures they’re having have to come to an end. Turning down his offer of a house to write her book in, Rory goes home, no longer needing him to ‘rescue’ her.  When Jess visits again Rory impulsively leaps into his arms, thrilled to tell him how she’s already written. Shortly after this, Rory discovers she’s pregnant, presumably by Logan, and have to figure out the next step her impulse has brought her.

In conclusion, Rory’s impulsiveness through the series is shown in different lights, taking her of the safe path she prefers.  At first glance it would seem that her impulse for Jess is riskier, destroying her simple relationship with Dean, yet Jess’s influence largely leads Rory to grow and find a better version of herself.  It was with Logan, and surprisingly Dean, where Rory’s impulses tend towards a more destructive streak.  As whole, romantically and otherwise, Rory’s impulsive side is quietly present, consistently turning her world around.

I would like to thank @natsugia​ for her thoughts on this which helped form this analysis!

[bnha-scenarios]

☕️ Special Thanks ☕️ 

As always, thank you so much for the coffee! Your kindness are very much appreciated! ♡

Emilija | Regan | Nela Kovaříková | 1 Anon

Onwards to the progress update.

I had. So. Many. Things. That I actually wanted to complete.

… Alas, work decided to be a bitch and swamp me with things to take care of. To put it simply, there were a lot of issues that caused a lot of overtime work even on weekends, so I had to step away from coding most of the time so I won’t burn myself out.

So yeah, I didn’t manage to complete a lot of features, though I did dabble on some stuff here and there. I’m not happy with the rather small progress either. But life happens, and there are just other things that are more important sometimes. So we just have to let it go and look forward to the next month!

I’d say that this month I was quite productive in terms of organization and planning instead of the actual coding. I have at least identified what I need to write for the ‘free activity’ time of the game, which makes about 30-40% of the gameplay itself. However, actually writing the scenes and executing it is a different effort altogether, which I have only started to embark on.

Still, it’s crazy to think that the development for the full game has been actively going for around three and a half months now. Whew. Knowing that I have a tendency to hyperfocus and then get tired of something after a short time frame, I’m going to at the very least give myself a pat on the back for still keeping this project up and running until now.

More details below ↓

Added Route: Kirishima

Let me preface this first with a declaration: I won’t be adding any more love interest after this. Please please please don’t make me do it 😅 Going through all the plans and re-setting up things to figure out how to add him in was such a painful experience…

But anyway. I will be adding this boy’s route to the full game, because a lot of people seem to want to have him in the game. He does seem like a fun character to write, so I thought I’ll give him a chance.

Gameplay

Places, Schedules, and Hanging Out with the Boys

I think you would have noticed from the last two devlogs, but there are several activities you can do in-game. One of them is to visit a place of your choice at a certain time in a day.

Some places can be unlocked when you reach a certain threshold in a specific stat, and there are others which will be unlocked when you reach a specific threshold in a character’s affection meter. Nai will message you whenever you manage to unlock a new place to visit, so keep a lookout for that!

But what happens when you visit a place?

Well, each character has their own schedules -- which you should be able to figure out either by coincidence or by talking to them at school when prompted to do so. Your Quirk will allow you to see the unlocked schedule of each of the characters, so my advice would be to check it out before deciding where to go! If you manage to come to a specific place at the correct time, you will bump into them. Normally, this will trigger a set of actions you can perform: Talk, Action, and Skinship.

Talking is a safe way to increase your love interest’s affection meter, especially in the first half of the game. More topics can be unlocked under some requirements. Generally, it doesn’t matter where you are, the topics you can talk about will be the same. There are topics which might trigger different reactions depending on how high your love interest’s affection is, so have fun finding them! However, be warned that most topics can be selected only once!

Action is another safe way to further increase your love interest’s affection meter. Unlike talking, different places have a different set of actions you could select from. More actions can also be unlocked under some requirements. Responses to this doesn’t exactly change based on the character’s current affection level, and it’s not limited to one time only.

Skinship is a riskier way to boost the affection meter: simply put, it’s a high gain with a high risk. Consider the character’s current affection level when you’re selecting from this list! He might not like it if you go touchy-feely when you’re not that close yet.

On the other hand, when his affection is high enough, you’ll find that you can have a lot of fun choosing the various options here. So be smart, bide your time, and have fun ;)

And that’s not all! Interaction is a two-way street, so depending on how your love interest views the main character, he will initiate Talk, Action, or even Skinship. There’s a lot of variations in here, and I hope you’ll have fun with this mechanic! I certainly am having fun while also pulling out my hair out of frustration designing this and trying to put the mechanism to control this into code…

Progress-wise, I think at the very least the functions for controlling this specific mechanic have been 80% completed. The actual writing however, is another story. There are still hundreds that I still haven’t had the time to write yet, and most of them are not yet coded in. Those who have been coded in still don't have sprites and music, so really, I’ll just say that the writing progress for this part is less than 1% completed….

On the left is the currently WIP full game project, with what I would say around 2-4% dialogue scripted in. And on the right side is the completed demo project.

…. Can you see how much effort the whole game is going to take me now? I did say to strap in and relax, cause this is going to be a long ride. And I wasn’t kidding lol

"Nai"

Although throughout the first week, the story will flow as your environment / characters around you teaches you on how the game works, I’m aware that the game mechanics might be hard to understand for casual players who aren’t too used to playing otome games (or games in general). Which is pretty much why I’m giving you a ‘helpline’ of some sort, in the form of another character.

Why a character? Because I can and I want to. Shush 😆

If you’ve played the demo, chances are, you’ve encountered a name which you had no recollection of existing in the canon My Hero Academia universe. Well, you’re right. Like the player’s character, Nai (full name: Namae Nai / 名前 ない) doesn’t exactly exist in the canon universe, but she’s here to help you throughout the game. (She’s also there because if she wasn’t, 1-A class members becomes odd number in total and that just feels weird to me -- plus, the team exercise system in Heroics wouldn’t exactly make sense if the class has odd number of students)

For those of you who hate Original Characters with a passion (why tho), you don’t need to worry too much. She won’t be an intrusive character in the plot and will mainly not contact you unless she really has to (seriously, her full name literally means ‘no name’, so give her a break, ok?). And if, even then, you still hate her, well.... Too bad you won’t be able to enjoy the game, I guess.

For those of you who don't mind her existence: I hope you’ll take a liking to her dark sense of humor and appreciate her helping you get through the game!

Others

Fixed some bugs regarding unlocking Special Moves from certain activities and games.

Played around and customized the ‘input name’ for a little bit, so it wouldn’t awkwardly sit on the bottom of the screen. I have 0 talent in designing UI though, so the background still stays as a black screen -- but at least it looks more prominent now.

Added a little sign to indicate which route the player has entered. I think it’s pretty cute! Hopefully you’ll like it.

Assets

Those who follow me on Twitter would have seen this coming, but anyway, I’ll be using TMGS OSTs as the main character theme for the four love interests. Hush hush, okay?

Other than that, unfortunately I didn’t have time to do any assets gathering this month.

Writing

Nothing much to say here. I think I managed to script around 50% of the events in the first day, but honestly I’m not completely satisfied with it so I might go back and tweak them a bit. Still a lot of scenes to be written!

Plans for December

I'm not too sure whether there would be much progress for the next two months, since there are so many things happening and deadlines to be met at work, which is making me really unmotivated to do other side projects in my free time lately. I also feel like I haven't been taking care of my health enough ever since quarantine started, so I'm trying to get back into doing more exercises and looking for healthier food options, which also cuts into my free time and motivation I guess.

With that said, I'll still at least aim for getting some scripts coded in -- particularly for the events in day 1. Other than that, maybe hopefully some assets gathering for supporting Kirishima's newly added route, and finishing up the coding parts that I was unable to finish this month.

I'll see y'all again at the end of next month!

[letmewritemylife]

Voice In My Head (Part 2)

I let you bury me alive for far too long. - I Prevail (Worst Part of Me)

A/N You’re welcome.

TRIGGER WARNINGS Mentions of abuse, abusive relationship, torture, referenced murder, nightmares, emotional dumbassery, everyone has more PhDs than brain cells

One drop. Two drops. Three drops. They all fall from the tap, counting how many seconds divide Lara from the inevitable. Alex will be home any minute now. He'll be angry, angry beyond imagination. He'll kick her, punch her, break her face against the sink of the bathroom. He'll drag her to their bedroom. He'll spit on her. He'll choke her. He'll cut her skin with his pocket knife. If he's in a particularly bad mood he'll rape her. Then he'll leave her on the cold floor and she'll silently cry all night, praying whatever is up there in the sky to give her the strength to shoot her sleeping boyfriend in the head in the middle of the night. Or herself. No, she can't. Her life doesn't belong to her anymore. But it doesn't matter because in the morning she'll get in the kitchen and he'll offer her a cup of cheap coffee. He'll apologise. He'll say he loves her. He'll say he will never do it again. He will lie. And she will know it. But she won't care. She'll smile. She'll accept his apologies. She'll take the blame. And that same evening she'll be sitting again against the radiator in the bathroom, waiting for a death that always brushes her skin but never touches her, finally stealing her soul. Maybe it's because she has lost her soul long before. Who knows. The front door is kicked open with unheard violence. He's here.

He's here.

She opens her eyes slowly, hurt by the strong light of the LEDs on the ceiling. Studying the room around herself, her gaze sets on her wrists, chained to the chair legs with thick grey tape. She tries to close her fists, calling her powers, but pain takes over her and she is forced to hold back a hiss. When she looks down again, her palms are cut open, blood dripping down her fingers.

"Good morning, Sleeping Beauty. Did you sleep well?" Alex's voice sends shivers down her spine. She slowly moves her gaze to his face, a big grin painted on his lips.

"What do you want from me?" She asks. "Be brave," she repeats to herself. "You can't do anything anyway."

Alex breaths out a laugh and steps closer to her, caressing her cheek with his knuckles. "Shhh, sweetheart. I'm the one who makes the questions," he says. "Now," he continues, kneeling in front of her, "when will your friends get here?" 

Lara widens her eyes and tries to clench her fists, before a strong pang of pain makes her rethink her choice. "If you even try to touch them, I swear…"

Her words don't produce the expected result. His grin becomes even wider and he slightly tilts his head. "I just want to talk."

She swallows heavily. "Like with Paul?" She can still remember the poor man's body hanging from that tree. Smiling at her was way riskier than anything else.

He clenches his jaw, remembering how much she had protested when he had done those things. He gets up and reaches for his pocket knife, placed on the nearby table. Applying just enough pressure to cut her skin and see the blood spilling down, he moves the blade along her cheekbone. "Just like Paul," he says, keeping eye contact.

She swallows again, this time more heavily. "You're sick."

He smirks, considering it a compliment. "Of course I am, honey." His hand trails up her shirt and tightens around her neck. "I'm sick for you and you should appreciate it. No one is ever going to love you as much as I do."

Those words hit her like daggers. "I hope so," she whispers, a part of her hoping he hasn't heard her words.

His index finger moves to her chin, forcing her to look up to him. "And I will love you even more if you help me and make sure your friends are not a pain in the ass."

She clenches her teeth. Why would she want to be loved by someone like him? That is not love, it never was. Maybe hers was love, but his for sure wasn't. Love doesn't hurt this much, love doesn't make you afraid to even move. Love doesn't chain you to a chair and cuts your palms wide open to keep you from fighting back. "Never."

As soon as that word leaves her mouth, she is violently slapped on the cheek. Alex digs his nails in the opposite side of her face. "I'm afraid I misunderstood. You will help me, won't you?" He speaks between gritted teeth and fear seems more and more unbearable.

This is when she would have apologised, hoping his punishment wouldn't be too severe. But she isn't that person anymore. She closes her eyes for a second and swallows. "Not even in your craziest dreams."

She hisses in pain when he punches her jaw, then his elbow hits her face and his knee her stomach. Finally his knife reaches her throat, preventing her from swallowing. "It's not that hard, doll," he says, even angrier than before if possible. "You just have to call your friends and tell them to come here alone and disarmed because we've found an accord. I'll take care of everything else."

She looks down at the blade pressed against her neck, then at his eyes, filled with maniacal rage. "Why should I help you?" She asks coldly, the iron taste of blood getting stronger in her mouth.

He grips her face in one hand, digging his nails in both her cheeks. "Because otherwise you'd be a bad girl and we both perfectly know what happens to bad girls."

His face is so close he could spit in her eyes any moment. His hot breath seems to burn her skin and her mind is, just like in the old days, trying to convince her to give up. But she doesn't. "I'm not changing my mind."

He takes a step back, letting go of her face, before his knuckles punch her nose and face over and over, until his hands are red from blood. He screams. "What made you think that I was asking?"

She bites her inner cheek. She knows it, she's perfectly aware that by answering back she'll only make it worse, but she wants it to hurt, she wants to learn her lesson once and for all. She wants every single part of her body to hurt until even the remotest part of her mind knows how sick and twisted he is. Because how is someone supposed to know fire burns without ever touching it? "What made you think that I'd help you?"

That's it. He's mad beyond imagination. He plants his knife in her thigh and starts twisting and turning it, moving it deeper and deeper. All of her hisses of pain are nothing but a source of pleasure for him. "Do you really think that bunch of idiots will come rescue you, followed by that coward you dare to call your brother? I hope you did not fall that low, my dear."

She whines when he removes the blade from her flesh. Then he makes the knife run down her thigh, cutting her leg quite deeply. "I know what you're thinking," he says. "I'm sorry that I left you, but I forgave myself, so you can do it too. Love is about this after all."

"At least shut up," she whispers with what remains of her voice. Has the room always been this cold? With a quick glance she can see her hands turning paler with each passing second.

He abandons her thigh to focus back on her neck, digging his nails in her skin. "Do you remember what you told me years ago, sweetheart? Do you?" She just shakes her head. Maybe she does, but she doesn't want to put much effort in it. "I'll remind you, then," he says with a grin, his grip tightening just enough to make it hard for her to breath. "You told me that I had your heart, forever and ever. You told me that you loved me more than everything else. You told me that I was too good for you." His bloodstained knife sets on her neck, right under his hand. "What happened to those feelings, my darling?"

His words hurt. Because they're true. She loved him more than anything else. Because she knew nothing else. A warm tear trails down her cheek, mixing with all the blood and dirt covering her cheek. Why does fire hurt so much?

He shows his gritted teeth again, shaking her neck violently. "Speak, you whore!" He screams and his voice echoes in her head.

She doesn't listen to him and closes her eyes for a second. "Stop, please stop." A sudden pain in her neck as his blade cuts her skin forces her to open her eyes wide and she weakly moves her fingers. Alex's body is violently pushed away and she takes advantage of those few moments to break her restraints. She tries to stand up, taken over by optimism, but she soon clashes with the hard truth. And with the floor. Once again she is kicked over and over, her stomach and face hurting more and more. She can't even imagine how much blood she's spilling on the ground.

She stops one of his kicks with her magic, her palms hurting in an unimaginable way, and she throws him against the metal door, his broad shoulders leaving a bump in the iron. She's about to get up but falls again under the weight of the growing pain in her whole body. 

She hisses in pain, tears in her eyes, while Alex rolls on his side and gets back up with little difficulty. He takes a few big steps towards her and slams her against the table, both his hands around her throat with the sole intent to kill her once and for all. She digs her nails in his forearms, whining for air, and creates a rather small amount of acid that slowly burns his skin.

He lets go of her with a pained scream, then furrows his brows and plants his knife deep into her abdomen, before the handle begins melting under his touch, burning him. Once again Lara pushes him away, but this time she doesn't try to stand up. Instead, she lays on the floor, pressing a hand to her stomach. She can only swallow when she sees Alex pointing a gun at her head.

The door slams open, Jonathan taking a few steps forward with his gun pointed to Alex's head. "One move and you're dead," he says coldly.

The other one just grins, not moving his eyes from the bloody mess in front of him. "You'd get no advantage from updating your criminal record, Houghton," he comments.

"But a lot of satisfaction for sure," Jonathan concludes, before other people step into the room and Alex raises his hands in surrender. Lara can't see who has just arrived, her gaze set on Alex's smug face as he admires one last time his masterpiece. Considering the voices she can hear not so distinctively, the two dragging him away could be Steve and Rhodey.

Her vision is covered by Jonathan, crouching beside her. "Elle?" He's almost whispering. Or maybe his volume is the same as usual and she just can't hear him properly, her heartbeat is just so loud in her head. He moves a shy hand to hers, but retracts it in panic when he sees his fingers tinted red. "F*ck," he mutters.

She tries to use all the voice she has left. "Jon, are the prisoners-?"

"Shhh, it's gonna be okay, do not worry," he interrupts her, visibly panicking.

She chuckles, her bluish lips stretching, even though the moment doesn't exactly seem the best. "Are you trying to convince me or you?"

He shakes his head, panicking even more. "Me? You? Both? Listen, shut up and stop bleeding out," he cuts short.

She yawns. "It's not like I can control it…"

After inspecting her stomach, he applies pressure to her wound, a concerned smile forming on his lips. "You really are a pain in the ass when you're dying, you know?"

She smiles weakly. "What can I say, get used to it," she murmurs, almost passing out.

She's brought back by Jonathan shaking her shoulders. "Hey! Lara!" He turns for a moment to someone who may be Sam, she's not sure. "Can you give me a hand please?"

In a second she's being lifted up, her hand still resting on her stomach but not applying any pressure anymore, and what sounds a lot like Sam's voice is echoing in her head. "Okay Lara, I need you to stay awake, understood?"

She nods weakly, not convinced. "Easy to say for you," she thinks, "you haven't just discovered fire burns." And, despite all her efforts, the dark embraces her one more time.

Everything hurts. So. Damn. Much. Where is she? And why does everything hurt? What's happening? She's moving, like a pack that hasn't been secured in the back of a car,  but the driver doesn't care and goes on turning left and right over and over. The air smells of blood and there is a strong taste of iron all over her mouth. Then something bites her arm and instinctively screams, her voice giving birth to an uncontrollable chaos around her. The dark space she is in suddenly fills with screams and curses and she's not even sure which ones come from her mouth and which don't. And everything hurts. Every muscle, every bone, it's just as if she were rolling down a mountain and her body were being cut by all the rocks and branches. The noise is so loud and her body hurts so much she can't even think, everything is dark and painful and- 

And then suddenly everything is bright and she feels light, free. Nothing hurts anymore. Around her there's only calm and peace. And blue butterflies. A lot of blue butterflies. The noise has stopped, now there's only silence. What kind of place is this? She takes a step forward. And everything shatters.

She's in a bed. A rather comfortable bed, if she has a say in the question. Everything is white and clean, out of the window there's only the blue sky, something quite unusual for a city like Oklahoma City. Or New York. Or whatever place she's in, at this point she doesn't even care. She just wants to rest. She slowly turns her head to the side and almost screams when she sees a very well known piece of clothing standing beside her bed, in a hospital room of an undefined city, and more in general in a place where it's not supposed to be at all.

Then she takes a breath and smiles, the Cloak moving a lap to caress her arm. After a moment, it lays on top of her, covering her and proving itself quite jealous of those white blankets over her body. She giggles, petting it like an affectionate cat.

The door opens and Lara can recognize Christine rolling her eyes at Jonathan being the annoying overprotective brother he always is. "I've already told you I have no idea when she will-" she stops in the middle of the doorway with eyes wide open, Jonathan crashing against her back.

Lara smirks, still petting the Cloak. "What am I expected to do exactly?"

In no more than a second she has Jonathan tightly hugging her and burying his face in her messy hair. Christine is smiling in the background and quietly leaves the room. Jonathan rubs her back soothingly and presses a kiss to her temple. "Are you okay?" He asks as he parts from her, still ignoring the Cloak wrapping around his arm and asking for attention.

"Yeah, I'm fine," she answers, moving a hand through her hair to put some rebel locks back in place. She tries to sit up, but she needs Jonathan's help to get comfortable on the bed, her palms still hurting like hell. After throwing a quick glance out of the window, she sets her eyes back on her brother. "Let me guess, we are back in New York."

He nods and suddenly smiles. "Do you know you've punched a nurse?"

She opens her eyes wide. "I did what?"

He laughs, adjusting himself on the foot of the bed. "You wouldn't stop moving, so he tried to use a sedative on you but you punched him." He smirks. "They had to call your charming prince to put you to sleep with magic."

She scoffs and crosses her arms on her chest. "And you were laughing your ass off the whole time, I suppose."

He grins. "It was quite funny, I have to admit." He moves the Cloak from his lap and gets up. "Do you want something to drink?"

She nods before falling back on the bed, the Cloak taking advantage of Jonathan's absence to wrap around her arm and caress her face with its collar. She chuckles. She's never been happier to be in a hospital.

It's been about eight hours since Lara has woken up. For most of the time she's been with Jonathan, who described with abundance of details the cute dark-haired woman at the hospital reception. "If you had not been dying, I would have asked her number," he said, a small pout forming on his face. Then Jonathan left and Elize came. She complained about him being unbearably annoying when it came to Lara's health, to which Lara could only agree.

Now the room is empty of everyone but Lara and the Cloak of Levitation, still curled in her lap. The effects of Stephen's sedative spell have almost faded away completely, yet she's never felt more tired. Blaming it on all the painkillers she's on, she rolls on her side and snuggles her face in the pillow. She yawns as she looks out of the door a nurse has left slightly open, a few caregivers and relatives walking down the luminous corridor towards their intended room to keep the different patients company for the night. She sighs and closes her eyes, feeling the Cloak covering her body as she drifts off to sleep.

The sound of an ambulance entering the hospital parking lot suddenly wakes Lara up. She bolts upright but, upon finding the room without any threat worth her attention, she lets out a breath. Then her gaze falls down on the bed, slightly dipping on one side, and the man dressed in blue robes asleep on that uncomfortable plastic chair beside it, his crossed arms resting by her side with his head on top of them. A corner of her lips turns upwards at that sight and Lara gestures the Cloak on her lap to go cover the man's shoulders. She takes a moment to move a strand of hair away from his face before she lays back down and falls asleep again.

Lara breathes in the wooden scent around her as she walks down the dark hallway, the only sound being her footsteps on the black floor tiles. Something, or rather someone, pushes her on the ground and she turns just in time for a hand to tightly wrap around her throat. She gasps for air, trying to move the restraint away from her neck, but before she can do anything the ground starts absorbing her. She is in a panic, struggling to push the unknown person away as another hand begins strangling her and the ground slowly opens more and more beneath her. She screams as her legs disappear into the ground and her vision becomes more blurry.

She sits up with a gasp, her forehead covered in sweat. As the sudden rush of adrenaline burns off, she starts feeling pain in her bandaged hands again. Maybe putting all her weight on them to get in a sitting position wasn't a brilliant idea, not even for a panicking mess like her. Her eyes flutter closed and she covers her face with her hands, breathing deeply. Her heart is probably racing at its fastest.

A hand shyly reaches for her arm. "Are you okay?" And in that moment Lara realises that no matter its speed, her heart can always beat faster. Stephen's voice is low and deepened by sleep, a strand of hair falling on his face, and she tries to convince herself the shivers running down her spine are caused by the cold breeze coming from the open window.

She slowly retrieves her hands from her face, turning to him, who is sitting in front of her on the bed, and nods, struggling to bring her gaze on his eyes and away from his mouth. Her heart is racing like it could jump out of her chest any moment. "I-" she stutters. "Sorry… for waking you up." "As soon as I find out who allowed him in here in the middle of the night, I'll kill them."

"Don't worry," he mumbles as he leans forward slightly, his gaze running from her face to her hands and back to her eyes. He's now no more than a couple inches closer, but it's enough to completely throw all of Lara's neurons out of the window. She swallows. "Don't look at his lips, don't look at his lips, don't look at his li-" And she looks at his lips. "F*ck..."

At least, according to Stephen's expression, his situation is in no way better. He bites his inner cheek as his gaze slides down to her mouth, but he suddenly straightens and sets his eyes on hers. He tries to express some smart thought, or at least a coherent one, but unfortunately all his synapses seem gone and nowhere to be found.

Lara doesn't know how much time passes, she just knows that they have not stopped unconsciously leaning forward and Stephen's breath is warm on her cheeks. But it's only a pleasant sensation because of the cold air coming through the window, right?

"No, you dumb idiot." Lara's inner self does not agree with her. "No wonder Elize thinks you're as emotionally stupid as you're short." After this last comment, Lara takes a mental note to never ask for her inner self's opinion ever again.

Regardless of her inner torment, Lara has to admit the air outside isn't really that cold. She tries to say something, literally anything, but she just manages to part her lips, stutter briefly and close her mouth again. She looks at his mouth again and bites her bottom lip. "Damn..."

After a few seconds of awkward staring, Lara shakes her head. "F*ck it." She plants her palms to Stephen's cheeks and presses her lips to his. He gasps against her mouth in surprise, before finally giving in and wrapping his arms around her waist. As he pulls her closer, she slides her hands in his hair, gently pulling the silky strands and earning a few satisfied grunts from him. She licks the seams of his mouth and he lets her tongue in, too busy devouring her cracked lips and fisting her shirt in a desperate attempt to pull her even closer.

They go on with their little dance, Lara dragging him down and Stephen bringing her up, for a while, until they're stopped by their shared need for oxygen, which forces them both to separate. Eyes still closed, Stephen leans with his forehead on hers and smiles. "Your brother is going to kill me, isn't he?" He jokes, his voice hoarse.

She breathes out a weak laugh and bites her lip, a thumb slowly tracing his jawline. "F*ck him," she says, finally bringing her eyes back to his.

Stephen smirks and pecks her lips, slightly digging his nails in her sides. "What about his sister?"

Lara chuckles and tugs on his shirt as she moves even closer than she already was. "We can arrange that."

In no time they both have their arms locked around each other again, their mouths pressed together. As Lara wraps her arms around his neck and plays with his hair, Stephen lets his hands wander up and down her back, until they find a comfortable spot right in between her shoulder blades. She moans softly against his mouth when he starts massaging her scalp and he has to appeal to all of his self-control to slowly lie her down. He positions her on the bed carefully, almost as if she could break in his hands like a crystal glass, and gently removes her arms around his neck.

He holds one of her hands, covered in bandages and still slightly hurting, and starts peppering kisses from her palm down to her wrist. Silently damning the bandages covering her skin, she uses her free hand to grab his jaw and pecks his lips. He smiles against her mouth, slowly parting from her and placing a kiss to her forehead. "Now sleep, before your brother seriously kills me."

She arches a brow as he sits back on his plastic chair. "Maybe helped by Elize," she comments sarcastically.

He smirks. "And don't forget Wong."

She chuckles, rolling on her side and snuggling her face in the pillow. "Whatever. Goodnight," she mumbles in between yawns and before she can even realize it, she's asleep, this time free of any nightmare.

[mediaeval-muse]

Book Review

Mirage. By Somaiya Daud. New York: Flatiron Books, 2018.

Rating: 3.5/5 stars

Genre: YA sci fi/fantasy

Part of a Series? Yes, Mirage #1

Summary: In a star system dominated by the brutal Vathek empire, eighteen-year-old Amani is a dreamer. She dreams of what life was like before the occupation; she dreams of writing poetry like the old-world poems she adores; she dreams of receiving a sign from Dihya that one day, she, too, will have adventure, and travel beyond her isolated moon. But when adventure comes for Amani, it is not what she expects: she is kidnapped by the regime and taken in secret to the royal palace, where she discovers that she is nearly identical to the cruel half-Vathek Princess Maram. The princess is so hated by her conquered people that she requires a body double, someone to appear in public as Maram, ready to die in her place. As Amani is forced into her new role, she can’t help but enjoy the palace’s beauty—and her time with the princess’ fiancé, Idris. But the glitter of the royal court belies a world of violence and fear. If Amani ever wishes to see her family again, she must play the princess to perfection...because one wrong move could lead to her death.

***Full review under the cut.***

Content Warnings: violence, blood, political oppression, torture

Overview: As far as debuts go, this is one of the stronger ones I’ve read in some time. While the blurb promises a thrilling saga about survival, Mirage is focused less on characters dodging assassination attempts and more on holding on to one’s identity in the face of cultural suppression. I very much enjoyed Daud’s prose and her way of communicating emotion, which forged meaningful connections between characters and overcame what qualms I had about plot. While I talk about those qualms below, I do think that Mirage is a thoughtful book, and I am looking forward to the next installment in the series.

Writing: Daud’s prose is very descriptive and flows nicely without straying into purple territory. I wouldn’t call it “poetic,” because Daud doesn’t burden the reader with metaphor or lush descriptions of her world, but she does provide enough vivid detail to give the reader a clear picture of what’s going on, and then lets the rhythm and mood sweep the reader away. For example, Daud might leave a description of a palace as having “geometric designs” or a qaftan as “grey with red detailing” but focus more attention on how characters are feeling or interacting with each other.

Daud also has a talent for setting a good pace. While reading, I was worried that we were going to be subject to a lengthy “training session” in which Amani learns the ins and outs of court life, and while we do get some of that, it doesn’t go on for pages and pages. The training isn’t important, and Daud knows that. She describes just enough for the reader to get the idea of what kinds of things Amani has to learn and moves on. She also doesn’t linger in scenes that don’t need it, so we aren’t reading pages and pages of, say, Amani at a party - we get just enough to see Amani accomplish her goal before we’re on to the next thing. It was refreshing and kept the plot moving.

Plot: The premise of this novel is that Amani, an 18-year-old woman living under an oppressive regime, is taken from her home and forced to serve as a body double to Maram, the princess and heir to her oppressor’s empire. Amani’s people inhabit a planet called Andala and its moons - Amani herself lives on a moon called Cadiz - and are ruled over by the Vath, who have partially occupied, partially colonized the area. Though the Vath have a firm grip on power and have suppressed much of Kushaila culture (the Kushaila being one of the cultural/ethnic groups on Andala), rebellion still lingers in various pockets around the star system, threatening the life of Maram, who has made herself despised by the Andalaans through her cruelty.

The plot isn’t so much about Amani encountering life-threatening situations (by posing as Maram) as it is Amani struggling to hang on to her cultural identity. She becomes every bit the Vath princess, but finds comfort in her native language, her religion (or spirituality, or folklore - I’m not sure how to describe it), poetry, culturally-significant tattoos, and so on. As a result, this book is a wonderful exploration of how survival and preservation can be act of rebellion, which Amani herself thinks about this often. The sense is enhanced when we consider that Maram, the princess she is tasked to protect, is half Vath, half Kushaila, and struggles with accepting her Kushaila heritage, while Idris, Maram’s fiance and one of the few living members of a major Kushaila house, longs to connect to his native culture after living under Vath rule for so long.

Despite loving the message about cultural identity and survival, I do with Amani’s body doubling duties had been presented as a bit more risky than they were. The first few times Amani poses as Maram, there seems to be little threat to either Maram’s or Amani’s lives. Amani (as Maram) goes to a couple parties or visits Maram’s relatives or sits in on a political meeting - nothing where an assassination attempt seems to be a real possibility. The only time I got the sense that body doubling was necessary was towards the end, when more public appearances carried more potential for disruption. While I don’t think this book needed more threats of violence or “action adventure” to be considered “good,” I do think more risk could have enhanced the message about survival and sisterhood (which comes to fruition later).

Eventually, Amani does involve herself in riskier scenarios when she agrees to act as a spy, feeding information to the resistance while becoming increasingly more sympathetic towards Maram. While I liked that Amani got more to do, Amani’s efforts at playing politics seemed sloppy. While posing as Maram, she advises her father’s war council on which cities to bomb, which could have been a good subversion (to direct attention away from certain areas), but she advises them to bomb a culturally significant region of the planet and then acts like she had no choice. Moreover, Amani didn’t seem to be enthusiastic about the rebellion; she does her part, but it’s not necessarily a driving force in the decisions she makes. I put this down to her evolving feelings towards Maram, but still, I would have liked to see her be more passionate about the cause so that the conflict between supporting the rebels and supporting a friend is more pronounced.

Characters: Amani, our narrator and protagonist, is easy to connect with because she voices her emotions so much. The reader is always aware of how Amani is feeling, when she’s sad or lonely, when she’s finding comfort, when she’s connecting to others or to her poetry. Being privy to these emotions helped overcome moments when Amani is relatively passive. Throughout much of the book, Amani is obligated to do as she’s told, act as she’s expected, etc. which makes her seem like a mere pawn and just trying to survive the day. Of course, preserving her cultural identity is active, but I think even these moments could have been put into Amani’s hands a bit more. I also think 

Maram, the princess for whom Amani serves a body double, has a very satisfying arc. She starts out cruel and arrogant, mistrusting everyone around her and doing her best to assert that she’s Vath, but over time, the facade begins to break down, and she becomes more sympathetic. I very much enjoyed how her relationship with Amani evolved, and her crisis of cultural identity complimented Amani’s story nicely.

Idris, Maram’s fiance and Amani’s love interest, is compelling in that he embodies a different facet of cultural suppression and identity crisis than Maram or Amani. He was only 10 when his family was wiped out for first rebelling, then surrendering to the Vath, and has primarily grown up in Vath courts ever since. He is engaged to Maram in the attempt to appease the Andalaans, making Vath rule more palatable if the heir to the empire is half-Kushaila and is married to a Kushaila. Idris remembers almost none of his native language, nor does he recognize the cultural significance of certain Kushaila things (like tattoos, etc.). His connection to Amani, then, is partially a connection with his native culture, and he learns more and more about where he came from by talking to her. While I enjoyed the drama inherent in his romance with Amani (how does one overcome the obstacle of being engaged to the princess but falling for her body double?), I did wish more was done to show a connection between them on a personal level. Idris seems to be in love with Amani primarily because of what she can teach him about Kushaila culture; most of the intimacy between them springs from discussions about Idris’ past or his lack of knowledge, with Amani filling in the blanks. Granted, there is a moment when Idris expresses admiration for Amani’s bravery, but I thought it was overshadowed by his draw to her as a representation of what he lost.

Other: The worldbuilding in this story was fairly compelling, combining the realities of cultural suppression with a unique science fiction setting that drew on Middle Eastern/Arabic/Islamic (I’m not sure which, specifically) aesthetics. I liked how the richness of Kushaila culture contrasted with the minimalism and austerity of the Vath because it reminded me of discussions about aesthetics and class or aesthetics and power - the “clean,” conservative tastes of the ruling class are in part an exercise in suppression and conformity, so I thought that worked well in the political environment Daud had created. I do think, however, that there were times when Daud would introduce something and not make full use of it. Maram, for example, has a large bird of prey called a roc, which does Maram’s bidding - but it only shows up once. There are droids roaming around, mostly in combat or violent situations, but I frequently forgot that they existed because they are almost never integral to the scene. I hope that the worldbuilding will continue to grow in subsequent installments in this series, as I really liked what I read in Mirage, but just wanted a bit more.

Recommendations: I would recommend this book if you’re interested in science fiction and fantasy, space operas, questions of cultural identity, poetry, and growing rebellions.

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ 365 Days of SasuHina || Day One Hundred Five: Temptations ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata ] [ SasuHina, blood, vulgarity ] [ Verse: Of Monsters and Men ] [ AO3 Link ]

Shit shit shit shit SHIT.

Fleeing on foot, Sasuke cuts his way through the outskirts of the city, thankfully lightly populated at this hour and leaving few civilians to risk crashing into. While he has the control normally to use his inhuman speed without worry...these are not normal circumstances.

He’s wounded. Badly. Stupidly. He should have seen that hunter ambush coming, and now he’s got a bullet trail that skims his left side.

While it’s far from fatal, it stings like a son of a bitch. Silver affects Nightwalker flesh in unnatural ways. The only way it’s going to start healing is if it’s treated first. And he’s far from any of Madara’s outposts. Which means being far from the only other enforcer he knows with any medical know-how.

So, he takes a risky second option.

Scaling a building and fighting back his body’s feral instincts, he manages to dig out his phone, blood wiped off his fingers on his jacket before sending a text.

You got any first aid, witchy woman?

It only takes her a few moments to respond. But rather than text, she calls him.

“Oh gods, what happened? Are you all right?”

“Got into a fight. Wounded. I need help and I’m far from base. I’m only a few blocks from you.”

“I...I don’t know anything about wounds! I’m not a nurse!”

“No, but you’ve got something better than a nurse’s knowledge. You’ve got magic.” Sasuke takes a hissing breath as a wave of pain passes.

“Which I don’t know how to use!”

“I’ll guide you through it.”

“But you didn’t even know witches were real until you met me! How do you -”

“Just! Trust me, Hyūga.”

“...o-okay. I’ll...I’ll meet you outside the dorm, around back. Just be sure no one sees you.”

“Can do.”

Ending the call, his head tilts back, breath labored. Chills seem to run the length of his spine, but he’s not cold. This kind of pain calls back to his kind’s last defense.

Frenzy, as most call it.

A harkening back to their most basic instincts. Letting a feral drive take over to protect themselves. A massive boost in power, but at the cost of their conscious mind. Extremely dangerous. And also leaving them open to infect any humans they bite...which as of the creation of the Senate centuries ago, is extremely illegal and results in a death penalty, no questions asked.

His body wants to fight a threat that’s no longer present, reacting to his pain and the silver that wrought it. He has to keep his head, or he could end up doing something extremely stupid.

Risky asking Hinata for help...but she’s the only human he knows of that could begin to resist him. Witches can bend the actions of a Nightwalker if they’re strong enough, as she did when they met. If he were to attack her, she might be able to fend him off.

He could call someone else, but odds are they’re also in the middle of business. This is quicker...even if it’s riskier.

Sasuke can’t carry on like this much longer. The temptation to give in to his instincts is raising by the minute.

Dragging himself up, he makes for the edge, taking rooftops rather than sidewalks until he finds the university grounds. By now he’s more than familiar with Hinata’s dorm. Sticking to shadows, he makes his way around back.

She’s there, looking ansty and bringing up her phone’s light as he approaches. Apprehension on her face, it quickly turns to panic at the sight of blood. “Oh my gods!”

“It’s not as bad as it looks...I just…” A groan, leaning against the building. “Silver...keeps the wound open. It can’t heal until the afflicted flesh is removed.”

“Removed?!” she practically screeches.

“Quiet!” he hisses, baring fangs at her. While he’s managed to hold off frenzy, he can’t help but shift. “I can’t be seen like this! It’ll lead to too many questions!”

“I...I’m sorry. But I...I can’t…!”

“Just...calm down.” Managing to ease out of his jacket with a hiss of pain, he doesn’t offer his shirt the same courtesy, tearing it off with a flick of a wrist. “Now...witches - miko - can...can manipulate my kind. Usually it’s our actions, but it can be deeper than that. What I need you to do...is to...reach into the wound with magic, and take out what’s been touched by silver.”

She just stares at him in horror.

“And you’ve got to be quick. The longer this goes on, the less...stable I become.”

“A-are you going to attack me?”

“I’m going to do my damnedest not to. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“Isn’t there someone else -?”

“Too far. It’ll take too long. You need to do this, now.”

“But -!”

“Now, Hyūga!”

Flinching, she kneels beside him, looking at the wound. “...okay. Okay, um...let me just…”

Breath rate increasing, Sasuke leans his head back against the wall, teeth grit.

“Come on, Hinata...you can do this…” Trying to think back to how she’d felt when she’d manipulated him the first time, she attempts to recreate it. She’d...reached out, somehow. But…?

“Hyūga…”

“I-I’m trying!” She just needs to -

“I...can’t…!”

“J-just hold on, I can -!”

It’s too much. The wound is taxing, her smell is like a drug. Every part of him is screaming to just take what he needs - it will do the same thing, he just needs a little -

No! If he frenzies, if he loses control, she’ll -!

In a flicker of movement, he switches their positions. Pinning her to the wall, he kneels on one knee, hands on her hands, mouth hovering over her neck and panting against the goosebump-laden skin.

“S-Sasuke!”

“Just...just a mouthful...it’s all I...all I need…”

Trying not to panic, she glances to him. “...will that let you heal?”

He seems to struggle with the answer, not wanting to admit the truth. “...y-yes.”

“Then just do it!”

“But I-I might -?”

“I trust you.”

For a long moment, he goes stock still, not even breathing. She…?

“...let me help you.”

His jaw shakes, aches with a need. Fangs hover a hair’s breadth away...just one bite…

“It’s okay.”

A moment’s pause, and then he makes up his mind. With a smooth motion, he latches onto pale skin, digging in with canines before beginning to draw.

Hinata does her best not to react, unable to help a flinch and a whimper at the bite. The rest doesn’t hurt, per se...but it does feel strange.

A minute passes of slow intake before he withdraws, staying bent over her shoulder. Already there’s relief as the fresh blood boosts his body’s regeneration, overcoming the poison of the silver and letting the wound begin to heal.

There’s a small, slow trickle of crimson down her neck before his head turns, tongue lapping over the punctures and urging them to close.

In spite of herself, Hinata goes pink. But there’s a concerned glance as he lets his brow rest against the crook over her neck. “Are...are you all right…?”

“Just...need a moment.” He’s still got her hands pinned up with one of his own. But once he seems to catch his breath, he backs up enough to kneel upright, releasing his grip and keeping his head bowed.

Hinata eyes him warily: not out of a sense of danger, but of concern. “...are you sure you’re okay?”

“...I shouldn’t have done that.”

“...but -?”

“If I’d lost my head, I could have killed you. Or worse, turned you.”

Worse…? “...why would that be worse?”

“It’s against the mandates to turn a human. It used to be a cheap tactic in Nightwalker wars: turn a bunch of humans to make cannon fodder soldiers. It was one of the first things outlawed. And I almost…”

“But you didn’t...right?”

“...no. I didn’t get that far. You’re not going to turn. But -”

“Then it’s fine. You’re p-patched up, and...I’m still human. Sort of.”

“...I shouldn’t have come here. I panicked. I wasn’t thinking, and -”

“Uchiha-san,” Hinata cuts in, finding her manners after her panicking as she watches him avoid her eyes. “It’s okay. I’m...I’m sorry I couldn’t do what you asked.”

“You were right. You weren’t ready, and I...I pushed you. I’m sorry.”

“D-don’t worry about it. We...we both sort of messed things up, but it turned out fine. That’s what matters.”

“I...won’t ask that of you again. It was a huge breach of...of privacy, and autonomy, and -”

“It wasn’t if I said it was okay.”

“I forced you!”

“No you didn’t!”

“I...I made you feel like you had no choice.”

“Maybe I didn’t. But that’s okay. I wanted to help you, and...I did. So there.”

A silence blooms.

Fiddling the cuff of her jacket, Hinata does admit, “I, um...I didn’t realize how, uh...i-intimate that is.” Her blush returns.

That earns a soft snort. “Remember what I told you about our kind being attractive? That’s part of it. You need someone willing if you don’t want it to get messy. So...yeah, in a way, it sort of is. Sorry.”

“It...it’s okay. I mean...we’re friends, so…”

“We are?”

“Well, sure. You saved my life, and...I guess now I’ve saved yours. We’re sort of f-friends by default now anyway, aren’t we? Besides...we get along, don’t we? Doesn’t that mean we can be friends?”

“Well...I guess you have a point.”

...more silence.

“...I should go. And you need to get back inside.”

“Oh! Is there blood -?”

“It didn’t get on your clothes, and I...cleaned up the rest.” Now he’s going a bit pink. “...you’re fine. Feel lightheaded or anything?”

“No, I’m all right. I...guess you didn’t take that much.”

“I tried not to. Just enough to get things...under control.”

“Well...I’m glad you okay. Please be careful, Uchiha-san.”

“Please just call me Sasuke. I hear too many ‘Uchiha-san’s every damn day around my coven.”

“Oh, um...o-okay. Sasuke-san.”

He almost looks annoyed at the suffix too, but leaves it at that. “...get back inside. I want to be sure you’re in before I leave.”

“Okay. Goodnight, Sasuke-san.”

Watching her go, he eventually puts on his jacket, stuffing the shreds of his shirt in a pocket. Only once he’s out on the street does he stop under a light, lifting the hem and looking to his side.

...there isn’t even a trace of scar.

Dark brows furrow sharply. Granted, he’d had a feeling witch blood would be potent...but that potent? No wonder it had been so tempting. The smell had been one thing. But it’d taken a lot more focus that he’d assumed to keep from going overboard.

...seems he’s still got a lot to learn about her.

Running a hand over the smooth skin, he pulls the fabric back down and takes out his phone. “...Itachi. I’m calling it a day early.”

“Did something happen?”

“Ran into hunters. Got out okay. But I, uh...had to exert a lot of extra energy. Think I need to rest.”

His brother is quiet for a long moment. Sasuke’s a workaholic. Actually asking for time to rest is a red flag. “...very well. But I expect to hear the full story after you have a day to sleep.”

“Will do.”

     Oof it's late, so I'ma be brief lol      More Nightwalkers crossover! And finally something a bit more than just banter and chatting between these two :3c Seems Sasuke got himself into a bit of a pickle. But at least he got some help...even if it's in ways he didn't really expect.      Intimate indeed, huehue~      Anyway, i'm bushed, so I'm gonna call it a night. Thanks for reading!

[ircnlace-blog]

{ SOFIA BLACK-D’ELIA, 27, cis female, she/her, muse an } welcome friend! you know, i just saw ANDROMEDA “ANDY” WILLIAMS in town. it’s good to see them. they’ve been staying in town for ONE YEAR and making a living as an ASSISTANT MANAGER OF THE BOWLING ALLEY. not too bad. i hear they can be a bit CRASS, but LOVING. so, really who blames them? i hear they’ve been thinking about SETTLING DOWN AND FINDING PEACE. good for them. { it’s ash, y’all }

here she is, finally, the chaotic bisexual who likes to ruin lives, under the cut you’ll find bio info and some wanted connections !! suicide mention and death and severe poverty tws below. like this or just hit me up for plotting !! 

info:

andromeda roselle williams was born in nyc in 1919 to very wealthy parents, her father being old money

only child

she’s born on halloween

her childhood was very lavish and she was wanting for nothing ever

she had the pony, the private tutors, the friends, she had everything 

ever since being very small, her parents valued her education and by the time she was old enough to walk practically, she was being tutored in french, german, italian, russian, and japanese 

she also loved spending time in her father’s office when he was working, trying to make sense of the stock business

she never liked going by andromeda, and instead preferred her father’s nickname of “andy” 

her life was just short of perfect until late october of 1929

everything was lost

everything, her family had nothing come the 29th of october and that night, her father killed himself

her mother was distraught and andy was numb, not understanding fully what was happening

her mother tried to send her away to her aunt’s house, she wasn’t too bad off yet, and her mother didn’t know how to raise a child by herself and she just wanted the best for her daughter

andy didn’t understand this, and grew angry with her mother, so on the train to her aunt’s house, andy snuck off and disappeared into the night

she was an incredibly smart child, so she made it work

chores and favors here and there for people for food or a place to sleep

when that didn’t, she stole or conned for the the things she needed 

to get around, she rode the rails, hitchhiked, walked, she one time even found an abandoned horse in the dust bowls of oklahoma and she rode him to minnesota before finding him a good home

met the worst and best of people on her travels 

and andy met who a little boy who basically grew to be her little brother and she took care of him 

his mother was sick, but took care of him and when andy landed on her doorstep, she took the girl in too

the dad was long gone

the mother ended up dying, but andy promised to take care of the little boy 

and she did

she took him on all of her travels and they grew to be a real family, just the two of them

she took care of him and fiercely loves him

the issue is now she was another mouth to feed and he’s even less useful that her for work, so stealing and conning it is

she got really good, like could make only her fool good 

as they grew, they became the scoundrels of the tracks, but they had each other 

one snowing night in 1937, now 18, they found themselves in new york city

her brother wanted to see the sights, and andy finally grew enough courage to go back to her hometown

while exploring the poorer parts of the city, she found a person she never thought she’d see, her mother 

and her mother was on her death bed 

they reconciled and andy held her hand as she died 

the loss of so many friends and family was beginning to take a toll of the girl, and she started going down a darker path, blackmail, threats, and injury were no longer things she wouldn’t do to survive

she killed her first man 1938 when he tried to hurt her brother 

she didn’t like it, but she also felt absolutely no remorse for him

her and her brother never spoke about it

the heists, the cons, the embezzlement, all of it started getting riskier

as things were improving in the late 30′s and 40′s, so did their lives, but andy wasn’t keen to give up her way of life, she just really didn’t know any other way and change terrified her because change had very rarely ever brought the girl anything good

change came for her though, two days after the bombing of pearl harbor

she was arrested off the streets and brought to building she hoped never to see, the headquarters of the fbi in new york city

her language skills, her proclivity for violence, her insane wit, and her skill set didn’t go unnoticed 

she was given a deal she couldn’t refuse, she was given immunity for her numerous crimes and her and her brother would be made legal family, he’d be taken care of, and he’d be given immunity from the draft if she served as a spy and assassin for the military in their most delicate cases

if she didn’t she’d definitely be going to jail and he would be drafted immediately

there was quite literally no other choice 

so, the was recruited into the early form of secret services

when they were doing weapon training, discovered what a deadly shit andy was

she helped get important info the d-day invasion, intercepted a lot of plans and cargo lines

has over 150 confirmed kills 

was entrusted to do spy work and take out high, sensitive, and valuable targets

as well as intel gathering and transporting high priority and highly sensitive messages and info

she has been personally thanked by the heads of the allied forces for her service

earned a reputation for being a cold blooded and terrifying killer, and a nickname, the red butcher

after the war ended (she was involved with the manhattan project and man, does that keep her up at night), she and her brother moved out to redwater for a fresh start

she’s working as an assist manager at the bowling alley mainly because would you tell her no? 

she’s tired man, she’s just tired and wants a break

does not care what you think

is mysterious

wanted connections: 

alright, here we go

she’s... a loose and fast lady, so friends with benefits, girl, boy, whatever, doesn’t matter, but also, rip if you kiss and tell with her, she likes being discreet and likes the less known about her as possible

drinking buddies, she goes out at night and dances and gets drunk

someone come fight with her, she loves a good fight

people to go shooting with tbh

outdoor activity buddies in general, she loves hiking, canoeing, fishing, hunting, horse back riding, all of it

a friend that like, they actually cuddle and she opens up to and has a good relationship with 

if you are looking for more characters, then her brother and the other half to her plot would be awesome!! 

[theatredirectors]

Sammy Zeisel

Hometown?

Bethesda, MD.

Where are you now?

Chicago, IL.

What's your current project?

I just opened and closed The Late Wedding by Christopher Chen (one of my favorite contemporary playwrights) with a company called The Neighborhood. It was a strange, beautiful, and difficult play about Italo Calvino, heartbreak, and the transmigration of souls performed in the "Rummage Room" of a church. We sourced all of our props from the boxes of shit that were left in the space after the church rummage sale and got some great use out of the organ that happened to be there, too. The whole thing was kind of magical.

I also am in post production on a short film about a girl getting her period for the first time at her friend's birthday party titled The Care and Keeping of You.

Why and how did you get into theatre?

Well, my mom is the Associate Artistic Director of Imagination Stage, a children's theatre in Washington DC. I grew up in rehearsal rooms. As I'd imagine is the case for most of us, I started out acting at summer camps and in school plays. While I was playing Renfield in my high school production of Dracula, it occurred me that I might actually I want to do this for the rest of my life.

What is your directing dream project?

I always find this question difficult because I see myself as highly responsive to the people and places at my disposal. A piece of theatre does not make sense to me out of context.

THAT SAID I love me some Chekhov. Specifically, I've been on a bit of a Cherry Orchard kick recently. There are secrets contained in that play about the potential for (or futility of) human change that speak directly to this moment. The political and the personal are so beautifully intertwined. Plus, it’s goofy as hell.  Chekhov plays embrace the entire contradictory mess of being a human. How to not, as a director, deny those contradictions by providing easy answers? I see that as an ultimate directing challenge.

What kind of theatre excites you?

I like theatre that takes on the responsibility of its liveness. This can happen in so many different ways: virtuosic physicality (a tap dance?), engagement with the audience's imagination (a person becomes a bird?), direct engagement with the audience (playful meta-theatricality?), or--maybe my favorite--some sort of more subtle, silent communion (Annie Baker). A piece of theatre is not just a story, it is an event; a director is not just a storyteller, she is a coordinator of moments in real-time.

I like to see truthful characters interacting within strange theatrical forms. I think that is what we are: deeply human creatures inside of forms that we do not understand. I like theatre that embraces uncertainty and, in that way, coaxes us to into a more comfortable relationship with our own uncertainty. Violence (outward and inward) stems from a need for control within life, and so, theatre that makes us to sit in an uncomfortable state of unknowing has the capacity to make us gentler.

Finally, I seek out any art that contains a little hint of the inarticulable. A piece of art should contain secrets.

Also probably all theatre should be funny.

What do you want to change about theatre today?

We have a lot of conversations about the need for riskier choices when it comes to content. And we do need that. We should be constantly pushing the boundaries of content and honoring stories that have been neglected. But those stories should also be paired with riskier forms. From what I can tell, theatre companies are more frightened by experiments in theatrical form than almost anything else--probably because a challenging form has perhaps the highest potential of turning an audience off (audience members didn't walk out of The Flick because it is about three people who work at a movie theatre). In the age of Netflix, however, if we do not find forms that are inherently theatrical we will become obsolete. But if we find inherently theatrical forms that contain the electricity of live communion, we will be providing something that the world is desperately hungry for.

And obviously we have to figure out some way to make theatre more accessible. Theatre is basically a hobby for rich people. It's just true, and we all know it and are deeply embarrassed by it. But what can we do to combat this? I certainly don't know. But it might have something to do with returning to bare essentials. We need to be paying artists and we need to be lowering ticket prices, so what gives? What if we made our productions with fewer resources? What if we placed the storytelling weight firmly on the back of the actors and the imagination of the audience? After all--engagement, intimacy, communion--this is REALLY what we offer. Within greater constraints, we might cut costs and revive our medium in the meantime.

What is your opinion on getting a directing MFA?

Not sure. Probably right for some and not for others. I am personally intrigued. I would love some time to discover myself outside of the crucible of the "real world."

Who are your theatrical heroes?

Oof ok here are a couple that come to mind right now:

Anne Bogart (her discipline, her articulation, her curiosity),

Will Eno (his verbal playfulness, his sadness, the intimate communion of his plays),

Andre Gregory (his spiritual/minimalistic approach, Vanya on 42nd St.),

Mary Zimmerman (her theatrical imagination, her physicalization, her childlike wonder)

Annie Baker (her lessons in patience, restraint, yearning character),

Edward Albee (his social critique, his plea for honesty, his courage in the face of the void)

Sarah Ruhl (magic, poetry)

Charlie Kaufman (film director, a storytelling North Star)

My mom

Any advice for directors just starting out?

I am a director who is just starting out, so anything I say is also advice to myself. So here are a couple of things I have to tell myself over and over:

You are you. The more directors you watch, the more you see that no two directors do ANYTHING the same way. In fact, equally incredible directors do things in precisely opposite ways. What does that mean? What makes those directors good? They are good because they know themselves. They are working from a place of personal authenticity that no one could have possibly taught them. And so you cannot emulate them. Emulating a good director will make you a bad director. You can only work at getting closer and closer to the director that you were meant to be from the beginning.

Direct stuff. You can only discover who you are as a director by directing. Find cheap-as-shit spaces. Hold rehearsals in your apartment. Produce your own ten-minute play festivals. Do stuff that leads nowhere because it all leads somewhere.

Direct the kind of stuff you say you want to direct. I've had a tough time with this one. It can be scary to actually DO the work that you say you love. Because it's super vulnerable, I guess. But until you present the work that actually feels like your jam, no one will have any idea what your jam is. You probably won't even know. Be brave enough to do the work that turns you on.

Craft is generosity. It's not all about discovering who you are. Directing is a craft. And by that I mean, there are concrete skills involved: how do you create varied stage pictures? How do you make sure an audience hears important information? How do you stage compelling transitions? Maybe think of getting better at these things as acts of generosity. When you put work into these elements, you show an audience that you care about every second of their experience.

You will disappoint yourself. Making stuff comes at a price. You will feel inadequate, and you will make work that doesn't feel like you. Lean in. Hold on to faint glimmers of hope. Do better every time. Inch closer and closer.

Interrogate your privilege. If you are doing this, you are probably the beneficiary of a certain amount of privilege. I am the beneficiary of a massive amount. If this is true for you, acknowledge it. Interrogate the narratives you are drawn to. Think twice before putting yourself on stage. Doubt yourself and listen to the wisdom of the less privileged. Use the love and care you've enjoyed in your life to create loving, caring spaces for others.

Be kind. Be critical of the work you see, but be curious about where your criticism comes from. How would you like your own work to be seen? How can you approach other artist’s work with that same generosity? Separate intention from execution and acknowledge how terrifying it is just to be out here trying. Strive to be an enthusiast: you will learn more, people will want to work with you, and the inside of your own head will be a nicer place to live. (You will also be a better director if you are not driven by ego, insecurity, and a need to prove.)

Don't listen that hard to people's advice. Most people who are giving you advice are telling you what they need to hear, not what you need to hear. Nobody knows what they're doing, and no-one moves forward in the same way.

Read more books, listen to more music, watch more movies, think about things a lot

Plugs!

Rumple: Last year, I developed a children's musical adaptation of Rumpelstiltskin with Chicago folk band, Friends of the Bog. It's a feminist re-telling of the strange old tale, filled with stellar folk jams and tap dancing puppets. It's weird, theatrical, and full of heart (think Pig Pen Theatre Co. meets Spongebob). And we are looking for a home for it. Hit me up if this tickles you and you have a lead.

Beth Hyland: One of the best young playwrights in Chicago or probably the country. She's also my pal. If you don't know her, you should get on that.

Chicago: The reputation that Chicago has for community and authenticity is grounded firmly in reality. Artists are struggling in Chicago as much as they are anywhere else but they are surrounded by their friends. There is vital, community-building theatre happening out here in church rummage rooms and abandoned storefronts. Just saying.

My website. My email: sammyzeisel@gmail.com

[festiveboydanielhowells]

figuring things out (chapter 1)

Summary: Prince Daniel of Eithoia has been seeing Lord Philip in private for years, despite his marriage to Princess Isabella. Up until now, it was never an issue to the three to be together. No one anticipated for the Princess to have an urgent announcement, and now anticipated that it would impact Dan and Phil and their countries as much as it did. [updates every Sunday, hopefully]

Warnings: mentions of pregnancy, implied/referenced smut, mentions of violence, swearing

Tags: fluff, eventual smut, royalty AU, polyamory, pregnancy

[read on a03] [next chapter][masterlist]

Fifth of January

Opal Palace, Opal City

Prince Daniel Howell of Etithoia stands at the gates of the Opal Palace, his hand on his sword, and an angry look in his eyes.

“Your Highness, Lord Philip is only seeing urgent visitors.” The guard states and the Prince shivers in the winter cold of Intora’s January. “And unfortunately, the Lord has not indicated that any urgent business with Etithoia would occur today.”

“Go in and tell your Lord that the Prince is here to speak to him.” He supplies, which he knows is unhelpful but it’s cold and he has a long ride back to Steeple Palace and he really, really doesn’t have the time for any sort of hold back to see Phil.

“Your Highness, the Lord has made it very clear that—”

“I believe what you meant to say was, ‘Prince Daniel, my pleasure. The Lord is always eager to meet you.’” He grunts, shivering. When the guard attempts to correct the Prince, Daniel cuts him off again. “Unless missing limbs is an idea the intrigues you, I do recommend that you fulfill the commands of your prince.” He’s bullshitting, of course, but the people of Intora don’t know that he’s never kept a threat through in his entire time ruling.

“Of course, Sire. However, the Lord has made it quite clear that—”

“Jefferson. Step down.” Lord Philip calls, and Dan doesn’t miss the fact that Phil has snow on his thick-framed glasses and that his black coat is blowing in the wind. He was walking in the gardens again—he does that a lot, no matter how many times Dan tells him that he’ll catch a cold.

“Phil,” Dan sighs happily, running to him and enveloping him in a hug, not caring that the guard was probably screaming about inappropriate behavior in his head.

Phil automatically hugged him back and placed a kiss on his hair, his hand coming up to grip his head as if to keep him from leaving. “Thought I heard your voice,” He whispered softly, before waving his hand towards Jefferson, “Jefferson, raise the gates. Prince Daniel and I have ordeals to discuss.”

Dan hears Jefferson mumble something that insinuates them fucking—and he notes how Phil barely even stiffens under the comment whereas Dan would have angrily demanded the guard repeat his words to the Prince’s face.

Phil seems to read his mind. “Why don’t you let the people see your soft side?” He says playfully, bumping his pelvis against Dan’s jokingly (and while Dan hates to say it, at this point, any contact with Phil gets him riled up). He grumbles a response, but Phil ignores it. “C’mon, you big softie. You saved baby animals constantly, you love kids, you’re sappy over everything—” Phil gets cut off by Dan pressing a chaste closed-mouth kiss to his lips, and when he pulls back, he sees Dan’s stupid grin. “You’re an idiot. People are scared of you, but have you ever actually harmed a person in your kingdom?”

The answer is no, obviously. He’s ordered executions but never fulfilled them—he’s always been a dramatic ruler, and therefore, he simply finds a way to prevent the execution from ever happening. The people are usually so caught up in other business to even care: most of them hardly feel any emotions, anyway.

But, Dan didn’t come here to have some much-needed alone time with his partner. “Phil, we need somewhere private.” He says, his voice dropping an octave and accidentally sounding more panicked than he had intended for it to.

If Dan’s voice was any other tone, Phil would’ve made a comment about Dan’s love for exhibitionism, perhaps commented on how he thought Dan might’ve preferred a more riskier area of the palace, but Phil knew better. When he said ‘private’ he didn’t mean that he wanted to catch up on their month apart—something had happened, probably something bad. “My chambers,” Phil suggests to, more like tells, Dan. “No cameras, no maids or butlers, no guards. Nothing can be tracked there.”

“That’s a bit unsafe for the future ruler to have no protection in his sleeping chambers.” Dan comments.

“I had to prevent the possibility of certain rumors being confirmed.” Phil states simply, and Dan laughs. “Besides, there’s nothing in there that a spy would want—most people tend to just ignore my existence.”

“They don’t need to be confirmed, everyone knows that they’re true.” Dan’s tone becomes cold again. “We need to stop stalling, come on. It’s urgent.” Dan grips Phil’s wrist and pulls him through the halls and up a staircase until they’re sat on Phil’s bed in his chambers.

“What’s happening?” Phil asks as soon as the door is closed.

“Away from the door,” Dan says, “someone could be listening.” He motions Phil to step away from the door and towards his bed.

Phil doesn’t argue; he doesn’t remind Dan that his people live by a code of privacy and kindness, he simply moves away from the door and to Dan’s side. Finally, Dan takes a deep breath, “The Princess is pregnant.” He states, and Phil nearly chokes on his own spit. “She’s eight weeks along. We wanted to wait until we told you, we found out a bit ago, but we… I couldn’t bring myself to break the news to you, and I definitely wouldn’t simply tell you this over the phone. I would have brought her with me but it’s a two-hour drive and she’s having a hard time and I read somewhere that stressful situations can induce a miscarriage and I—.”

“I-is it yours?” Phil cuts him off, hating that he knows the answer already. Of course, it’s Dan’s baby, why the hell wouldn’t it be? Dan and Isabella have been betrothed since they were young, and when they finally got married everyone knew that they were simply met to be. They had been best friends since they were young—Dan’s mother had been attempting allyship with Menia, so they had seen each other fairly often while growing up. Of course, Dan loved Phil and Isabella knew this, but he also loved Isabella and Phil knew this. He had no issues with it—the jealousy didn’t exist.

Until now, of course.

He would probably not be a part of the baby’s life at all, they probably wouldn’t ever see him, simply know that their father left too much to visit him.

Or maybe, he would no longer visit him. Maybe a baby would be too much work to balance a treasonous relationship.

The baby wasn’t his, obviously. He shouldn’t even want to be a part of its life, but he still did. It felt wrong to know that Dan would be raising a child he would never get to see, save from parties and royal affairs. He felt a pang of hurt in his chest, a sting that came with the knowledge of never being able to see them.

“Yes.” He says, and he won’t meet Phil’s eyes. “Phil, I’m so so—”

“No,” he chokes out. “Don’t give me pity. I should’ve been prepared for this, Dan. We can’t be… we can’t be together. How are you going to balance this,” he gestures between the two of them, “and a baby?”

Dan doesn’t look up still, but Phil can see the tears starting to build up behind his lash line. “Izzy and I want you to be a part of the baby’s life,” He practically sobs out. “We don’t—we don’t want you to be gone.” He takes Phil’s hands in his own and finally allows their eyes to meet. “There are ways to get around this. I want all of us to be happy, she doesn’t want to raise this baby without you there, I don’t want to raise this baby without you there.”

Phil thinks it would be inappropriate for him to say “thank fuck” but he does it anyway because really, he couldn’t be more thankful for them wanting him. “I don’t want to leave you, or the baby, I—” Dan kisses him once before he continues again. “I want to be a father to the baby. I want to be there when they wake up at night, I want to hold them, I want to be a part of their lives. I want to raise the baby with you and Izzy.”

“Our baby,” Dan corrects him, sweetly. “We’ll be a family. All three of us. We’ll figure out if it’s a girl or a boy and we’ll be happy.” Phil wipes a tear that’s fallen down Dan’s cheek and squeezes his other hand a little tighter in what he hopes is a reassuring manner.

“We’ll have to figure out the political side of this,” Phil says softly, breaking the happy moment. “My country… we’ve never been as open about the things that your country has been. To have me marry you and Izzy would be seen as a political passage—a joining of our countries. How will the people of Intora react to our countries becoming allied forces?”

“We… we want to join our kingdoms. We don’t have to say anything about,” he does that stupid gesture that indicates the two of them, “but, we would be able to have you move to Steeple Palace or we could move here or…” He looks at Phil to gauge a reaction.  

“I’m only an heir right now Dan, I can’t make such rash choices without a total council and then it would need to pass by the advisors until the King can even hear about it.” Phil shakes his head.

“You could live with us,” Dan says. “All three of us can get married in Etithoia,” he suggests. “You’re, what, second in line? Let Martyn and your father do the work, you can become a ruler of Etithoia. Our countries would be in peace, you would still have the political power you have now—more, in fact—and we’d be happy.” A perfect plan, except that he now needs to get the approval of a royal wedding from councilors or be seen as a traitor and get eloped.

Phil pulls him into a long, open-mouthed kiss before pulling back from him. “Let’s figure out how the hell to do this.” He states and realizes with raw certainty that he will do anything to be with the people he loves.

He gives Dan a kiss on his forehead and Dan says in a weak voice, “Okay, yeah, let’s um. Let’s figure this the fuck out, I guess.”

[sonicforcesau]

Forced AU: Birth of Infinite Arc, Part 2

“You were looking for me?”

“Yes jackal, I was.” replied Eggman in the reasonably lit laboratory as he stood up from his current workstation. “Finnigan, was it?”

He grunted an acknowledgement.

“I believe you’re familiar with this piece of jewel?” the evil genius gestured to the Phantom Ruby kept in a glass case, with sensors connected to analyse the still-mysterious object. It was the only brightest lit object in the room.

To the jackal, the gemstone seemed evil. It seemed like it would want to destroy and control everything when it got let loose. It almost felt like when he saw that vision of that dystopia.

“What did that mean?”

Eggman looked over to the jackal who asked the question and grinned. He understood what the other was referring to.

“Not much, jackal. It is probably what you desire the most.” the scientist stated. “You see; for me, I saw a beautiful place I’ve always dreamed of building: Eggmanland…!”

“There is no possible way that I would desire that!” Finnigan snapped, fury evident in his posture and voice.

“Are you really sure about that, jackal?”

“What?” the Ultimate Mercenary responded, taken aback by the question of the fat man as his eyes widened. “Of course I’m sure; I have suffered enough!”

Eggman stared at him for a moment.

“Have you ever wanted to end the world?” inquired the scientist. “To end the world, along with the suffering - or something along those lines?”

Finnigan stared back in recognition of the other’s words. The last time he had that thought was a very, very long time ago - Before he became the Ultimate Mercenary. Before he met Vulpes. Before he met Clyde. Before he met Cassidy, Jesse, and Salvador. Before the Jackal Squad became his family.

“That was a very long time ago, doctor.” the maned jackal replied with solemn as he looked away. “I no longer desire those kind of notions.”

“Believe what you want, jackal.” Eggman almost huffed. “But I already know what I need to know.”

Finnigan reached back into his backpack, and took out a pack of cigarettes.

“No smoking in my lab, jackal. You might make something explode.”

Sighing in frustration, he kept the depressants back into the bag. “What is it that you called me here for, Eggman?”

“I’ll be leaving Mobius for a while.” replied the human. “I’ll be rebuilding my space station - the Death Egg - in orbit around the planet.”

“So?”

“So, I will need of the Jackal Squad’s services to stand guard at the Mystic Jungle base as decoy.” Eggman replied, sharing his plans with the other. “So far, I don’t think anyone knows of my desert base in Sand Hill except me and your squad.”

A thought made its way to the scientist’s head as he realised some implications.

“Speaking of which; how did you discover this base?”

“I was attacked by one of your robots.” came the reply.

“Ah.” Eggman made a noise. Then, he grumbled. “The robots were not supposed to leave the proximity of the base - I’ll have to reprogramme them.”

“How long will you be gone?” asked Finnigan.

“Four weeks at most - I’m an expert at building things in a short time.” Eggman replied. “But don’t think you can leave your post while I’m away, jackal. I have you on tabs.”

The Ultimate Mercenary's eyebrows furrowed. He disliked this human quite a lot.

“So we’re just guarding an empty base?”

“Your squad will.” Eggman replied as he handed over communicators to the jackal. “Keep in contact. You shall observe the Phantom Ruby and stand guard in this base, since you have a similar experience with it as I did.”

Finnigan had a bad feeling about this.

And that was the conversation that happened between him and Eggman a week ago.

As it turned out, his suspicions were true. Currently, he was racing his way to the Mystic Jungle base in a car he stole from a civilian - a black sports coupe. The distance between Sand Hill and Mystic Jungle wasn’t great; and hopefully, he could make it in time.

It was night, and he idled around in the room with the Phantom Ruby when all of a sudden, Eggman started to shout into the communicators, and babbled something about a dangerous enemy and wanted him to fight along with the Jackal Squad.

“Shadow the Hedgehog is closing in the vicinity!” came the voice from the wrist communicator. It was Eggman. “Hurry up and get there!”

“I’m on my way!”

With urgency and desperation, Finnigan floored the gas harder, even though the pedal already touched the floor, as he unconsciously gripped the steering wheel tighter.

“We’ll handle him, boss!” came another voice. It was Clyde.

“He’s an enemy tough beyond imagination, jackal!” Eggman shouted out again in the communication channel. “Do not underestimate him!”

Using moves that he learnt from Jesse, Finnigan sent the car charging down the roads that led to the base of the Mystic Jungle. He had already reached the end of the casinos - which turned out to be built by Eggman himself - where he had a choice of two routes: One way more riskier to take than the other, but also way shorter.

“... fuck it.” Finnigan growled as he sent the car charging down Aqua Road. And as the name might suggest; the routes were halfpipes filled with water meant for canoes.

The four wheels of the car immediately splashed up water the moment they came into contact with the waterslide. The vehicle became practically uncontrollable as Finnigan attempted to wrestle with the steering wheel to keep the car stable as it was forced to follow the direction of the twists and turns of the halfpipes like a rollercoaster ride.

“He’s very close to your locations, jackals!” Eggman’s voice warned.

A view of a harsh turn was presented to the jackal, and Finnigan’s eyes widened. But it didn’t stop him from reacting, as he opened the driver’s door and bailed out of the car. He immediately felt his fur getting wet from the water, as he watched the car run up the side of the halfpipe, and sink into the sea surrounding the jungle.

“He’s here, Finn! We-” a cry was heard from Cassidy, but her voice was cut short by a scream of her own. She was attacked.

Upon hearing Cassidy interrupted message, Finnigan’s heart sank, as he attempted to make his way over even faster.

He never felt more desperate in his life.

“Jackal Squad?” Eggman called out. “Jackal Squad, respond!”

No reply came.

“Well look, ‘Ultimate Mercenary’!” the fat man bellowed, and the volume of the shout distorted the audio transmitted. “Your squad was useless! Go take down Shadow the Hedgehog, NOW!”

“I get it!” the jackal gritted out.

Finnigan the Jackal could not think straight, for currently, there was a lot of information for him to take in, to process, and he was feeling both physically and mentally drained. Not only that, he had a load of questions to ask.

What had happened to his squad? Did they get… killed?

Hopping between pillars to get to their base entrance, Finnigan had finally arrived, and he saw a black hedgehog with red stripes. It must be Shadow the Hedgehog.

Sprinting over, the jackal was ready to attack; and he swung his fist at the enemy. But before the hit could land, the hedgehog noticed him, and instantly disappeared in a flash of blue light.

What was that? In confusion, he frantically turned and scanned the surroundings with his eyes, but the hedgehog was nowhere to be seen.

And all of a sudden, he felt pain - agonising pain on his chest, as he felt his feet leave the ground and himself flying through the air. More hits came, adding more torment to his already aching body. He didn’t know what was happening. He was confused. He was desperate. He was terrified.

He couldn’t scream anymore from the pain he was delivered. He couldn’t think anymore.

Who exactly was Shadow the Hedgehog?

He felt a sharp pain on his back as he landed hard on a solid object. Shortly after, he felt himself finally landing on the ground. Finnigan cried out in agony as he tried to move, but he couldn’t. He could see blood bleeding from cuts on his own body. It stung.

“Hmph. Eggman’s henchmen…” a voice growled out. He could only assume the hedgehog was speaking. “... pathetic.”

A movement was heard, and the jackal opened his eyes slowly, finding his vision blurred, and no hedgehog in sight. He felt his whole body shaking from the pain, along with the shock, and fear experienced just now.

What was that teleporting? Was it real? Was he dreaming? He had never encountered anything like it. And the hits the hedgehog landed - they were probably two, or three times harder than anything he had ever experienced…

His squad!

He had to make sure they were okay.

Finnigan pressed the button to start the transmission of his voice, but the wrist communicator didn’t light up; it broke when he received all those damage. Willing himself, he groaned as he stood up shakily and limped his way to the area where he knew his squad would be.

It had took him the longest, most excruciating five minutes in his life to get there, and the sight was something he never wanted to see:

In the midsts of the jungle littered with trees, he saw four jackals laid on the grassy ground. Their bodies bled.

No... It couldn’t be...

“Clyde?” he called out with a shaky voice, as he kneeled on the ground, shaking the young thief’s unmoving body. “Clyde!”

There was no response. No jokes. No smile. Nothing.

“Cassidy!”, “Jesse!”, “Salvador!”

He desperately tried to feel for pulses with his shaking, trembling hands, but he could not feel anything. And so, he shook their bodies, hoping, wishing that they would open their eyes and awaken.

“Please wake up!”

They didn’t wake up.

Clyde. Jesse. Cassidy. Salvador.

They were gone.

It was like a violent stab to his heart by a sharp, invisible blade. Only this blade was worse; this blade twisted his insides, his heart, and his guts. It tore him apart from the inside.

They were gone. The Jackal Squad. His friends. His family.

And the lone jackal laughed. It was maniacal. It was mournful. It was the laughter of someone who had lost their mind and their sanity. Tears flowed freely from his mismatched eyes, down his face like an open tap, as he curled up on the ground right next to their bodies.

He screamed out loud, and his voice echoed in the night.

To think that he deserved a family. What a joke - He couldn’t even protect them. He had failed in such a simple task.

And they paid the price. Instead of him.

He thought that his suffering was finally over; but after all this time, it came back for more. Suffering came back to him like an old friend, and enveloped Finnigan the Jackal inside it’s cold, icy arms, and wrapped itself tight against him.

His happiness was gone. Everything he knew had come, and gone. Suffering had never ended. It had never went away. It was only waiting for its opportunity to take it all away.

He so desperately wished this to be a horrible nightmare that he could wake up from.

“Jackals?” it was the scientist. “Any one of you still alive?”

Finnigan stared hard into the device with his teary eyes as made a choice. He reached for the lit up communicator wrapped around Salvador’s wrist.

“... Doctor.” he swallowed, as he tried to compose himself from his constricted throat preventing him from speaking clearly. “... You were right…”

“... about what?”

“I wish to destroy this world.”

Because there was no reason left to carry on.

The world had turned its back against him once more, and he will not stop until the entire world ceased to exist.

It was time to start this war.

[benefitcrhazard-blog]

As a "pleasure model" is there any sexual act that Mae would refuse? Does she have rules like other prostitutes, or is she more open to more riskier behavior because of her unique existence? (This would fall outside what the mun would be okay with RP-ing.)

Taking into account the dark and twisted world in which Blade Runner takes place, I would imagine that replicants like Mae are created to follow orders and obey. Take Nexus Dawn for example: Niander Wallace asks his replicant to cut his face, and ultimately choose between taking his own life or taking Niander’s. The replicant obediently cuts his face and kills himself in the end (sorry for spoilers).

When I relate this to Mae’s “purpose”, sadly and also, very realistically, she would have no choice but to comply with the orders of her client. In a way, this is kind of a tragic life to live, but fear not for my sweet Mae: I believe that she takes great pride in her job and also in the reason behind her creation. This is probably a really perverse example, but: if you request a sour lemon pie from a baker, and the baker serves you a piece, you eat it and exclaim, “my goodness! that’s a delicious pie!” The baker thinks to himself, “a sour lemon pie is an odd request, but I’m glad they enjoyed it!” I feel like Mae’s reaction to such requests in her job would work out kind of the same.

As far as “rules” go, #1. Her body is built strong enough to withstand forceful interaction. She has an advanced skeleton, and is built a little like Leon (strong enough to support or lift heavy weight). #2. She is still very much able to “die”, by either asphyxiation or choking, so a disclaimer would be made available to clients. Also, she is considered “property”, so any damage done to her body or build, and the client would be held monetarily responsible. #3 She is programmed to serve, and keep the client happy. So yes, as you asked, she would be more open to riskier behavior because of her unique existence. 

When I was planning Mae’s character, I wanted her to be different than just a regular ol’ Pleasure Model. I most definitely DID NOT want her to have the innocence that Rachel did (I HATE HATE HATE when people sexualize Rachel it grosses me out), and I didn’t want her to have the bitterness that Pris did. I wanted her to be curious and willing to make decisions for herself, and so I included the memory templates in her build. I imagine that this would give her a little bit of freedom to start choosing what she “likes” and “doesn’t like” sexually, especially because her job is incredibly involved with it, and because eventually, it’s something we all think about as we grow into adults.

[tenten-hinamori]

Here Comes Black Widow! Chapter 1 Origins PT 2

"Hmm. It seems I have another power. To use a part of a person's soul to create a living puppet that will do anything I say." A dark shadowy man said, reading from an ancient book. "But master, that power is used for emergencies only. And you could lose control of it if they taste the blood of the person from which they are from. They'd become their very own person." Nooroo argued. "I do not care. I will do whatever it takes to get my hands on the miraculouses. In fact, I may create a new miraculous with this power. A bug's natural enemy is a spider, so I think I'll make it a black widow miraculous." The man chuckled evilly.

"But master! Making a new miraculous is even riskier!" Nooroo exclaimed. "Silence! I will do as I please! Now, let us begin. Nooroo, dark wise rise!" The man ordered. Nooroo sighed but did as he was ordered and went into the brooch. Hawkmoth gave off a sinister laugh as he transformed. "Now then, time to create my puppet." he said taking one of the pure white butterflies. He used his power to make the butterfly into a glowing orb. "Go my little akuma. Find one pure of heart and steal a bit of her soul. Become the dark version of her." he called as the orb flew away.

The nerve of this guy! He was just like Chloe! "Come on girl. Let's just ignore him." Alya said. "No wait, I was just trying to-" the boy tried to say. "I don't want to hear it. If you're friends with Chloe, then you're just like her." I growled, pissed off. "Marinette! Look out!" Alya yelled. I turned around to see a glowing orb right before it went straight through me. I clutched my chest, expecting to feel pain, but I didn't feel anything.

"Are you ok?!" Nino asked standing next to me in a heartbeat. "Yea, I'm fine." I said then looked up at the orb. It bounced around a bit then took off out the window.

"What was that?!" Alix yelled. "The orb just went through her and left as though it meant no harm." Max said.

"Girl, are you sure you're ok?" Alya asked. "Yea. I feel fine. There is no pain. It just mainly scared me is all." I said. Alya and the others hugged me. I smiled at them. Miss Bustier walked in and class started.

Chat and I ran to the Effiel Tower as fast as we could. We had to stop Stoneheart from hurting anyone. I caught Chloe and set her down. When Hawkmoth appeared, demanding the miraculouses, saying that Chat and I were to blame, I just clapped and told him off. "We will stop you." I said.

"Oh really? Well then, we'll see about that. Come, my little puppet!" Hawkmoth called. Soon, the very same orb from before zipped right past me and stopped below Hawkmoth. It grew in size then popped like a bubble, revealing a girl in a plain white dress, that barely went below to her knees. It looked as though she was floating in the air until her feet gently touched the ground. Her body was hunched a bit, being she was hugging herself and her head was bent down. Her hair was fire red and went down just below her shoulder blades it looked like.

She lifted her head and Chat and I gasped. She looked just like me, though Chat didn't know that so I have no idea why he gasped. She then slowly opened her eyes and I felt sick. They were the same color as mine, but they looked dead and hollow as if she wasn't even alive.

"What do you think of my puppet? But wait there's more." Hawkmoth cackled as something dropped from the sky. The girl reached out her left hand and caught it. From what I could see, it looked like some kind of bracelet. However, I realized it was an armband when she hooked it onto her right arm about 3 inches from her shoulder. The armband looked like it was a thin brown leather strap with a silver spider, that was a bit bigger than the strap, in the middle of it. The way she moved, it was as if she really was nothing more than a puppet with strings attached to her. It made me sick.

Chat and I gasped when a Kwami appeared. It looked like a spider, but it was more like Tikki. It's bo "He created...another miraculous user..." Chat gasped in shock.

"Widow." The girl spoke softly and I nearly cried. Even her voice sounded dead and lifeless. "Webs spun." she finished. Her kwami went into the spider of the armband making the strap turn red and the spider turn black and gain an hourglass broken into 5 parts. Spider webs covered her body in an instant then broke off, showing that her white dress was gone and replaced with a black tank top with red trim, and it only went to the top of her belly button, and a black skirt with and a red underskirt. Around the top of the skirt was a red belt with a black spider belt buckle. Fishnet stocking and sleeves, that looked like spider webs, covered her arms and legs. She wore black boots that went up to the middle of her calf, with a red spider zipper. She had red finger cut gloves on her hands. Her red hair was now in a ponytail and finally, she wore a black mask over her face.

"Ladybug, say hello, to Black Widow." Hawkmoth cackled. "She is a living puppet I created, just to face you."

"How could you do such a thing?! How can you be so cruel?!" I yelled pissed off. "What? Are you just going to use her to get our miraculoues then destroy her if you get them?! Chat yelled beside me.

"Why yes, yes I am." Hawkmoth answered simply. How could he answer like that?! He created a life and is just going to throw her away as if she was nothing. I won't stand for that. "Now hand over your miraculoues!" he ordered.

"Never! We'll never hand them over to the likes of you! You're gonna pay for what you have done!" Chat and I yelled. "Then you leave me with no choice. Black Widow! Attack!" he ordered.

Black Widow grabbed the buckle of her belt and pulled off the entire belt. The buckle became a handle and the rest became a whip. "Chat, you go distract Stoneheart. I'll try stopping Widow." I said. "You sure?" Chat asked worriedly. "Yes. Now go." I yelled dodging an attack from Widow. Chat nodded and ran up the tower.

I grabbed my yo-yo and fought with Widow, but made sure not to hurt her. "Please, let me help you." I pleaded. "Don't waste your breath. She has no heart or mind." Hawkmoth called. I ignored him. "Please Widow. Chat and I can help you. You won't have to be his puppet anymore!" I exclaimed. But my words were reaching her, being her whip wrapped around me and she used it to slam me into a street light. I screamed in pain and dropped to the ground.

"Ladybug!" Chat yelled. Widow walked up to me, grabbed me by my throat and held me above her. "Good Widow. Now, take her miraculous!" Hawkmoth ordered. Widow reached towards my ears with her free hand. I tried to plead with her, but I ended up coughing up blood and it landed on her face, over her mouth. I watched as she licked up some of the blood and her actions stilled.

Her grip on my neck loosened and I was able to get free as she grabbed her head and backed away. "Widow! What are you doing?! Get her miraculous!" Hawkmoth yelled. Widow looked at me and I gasped, seeing her eyes. They were no longer hollow, but full of regret.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She said, her voice shaking as she shed tears. She looked so wounded and broken, that I started crying as well. I went wide eyed when she removed her armband, turning her back into her normal form, and tried giving it to me. "Please. Please take this away from me. So I can make up for hurting you." she cried. I frowned and took it from her, but I put it back on her arm. "You can make it up to me, by joining Chat and I to fight akumas and Hawkmoth." I said. She looked at me in shock and I just smiled. She teared up and smiled. "Of course." She said then looked to the Hawkmoth image. "Widow! Webs Spun!" she yelled and turned into Black Widow.

"I'll capture the akumas while you purify them." she said pulling off 1 of her sleeves. "Sounds like a plan to me." I said pulling out my yo-yo. She nodded then ran to the tower and capture the akumas, using her sleeve like a huge spider web. I purified all the akumas.

"Let me make this promise to you. No matter who wants to harm you, Ladybug, Chat Noir and Black Widow will do everything in our power to keep you safe." I called to all of Paris before releasing the pure white butterflies. "Nice speech there." Widow said pulling her sleeve back on.

"A little help here!" Chat called. Widow and I nodded at each other then climbed up the tower to help Chat.

"So, any ideas?" Chat asked when we met up with him. "Uh, guys." Widow said looking down. Chat and I looked to see the other Stonehearts climbing up. "We're surrounded. "Chat said. "Yes, but we know where the akuma is." I said. "Yea, in his clenched fist. The same one that's holding that girl. So what else do we know?' Widow asked.

"Well, we do know he's in love with her. That's it! We don't separate them, we bring them closer together. They're made for each other." I giggled. "Are you playing matchmaker?" Widow asked. "Yep!" I called climbing to the top of the tower, missing Widow and Chat shrugging at each other.

"So, how are you getting them together?" Widow asked. "By using our powers. Lucky Charm!" I called, using my lucky charm only to gain, a parachute. "If you're getting them together, now would be a good time!" Widow yelled as the Stoneheart clones made it to the top. I nodded, put on the parachute and used my yo-yo to make Mylene kiss Ivan, in turn, making him drop her and the akuma. Ivan turned back and they both fell. I jumped down, cleansing the akuma and grabbed Mylene, opening the parachute. I watched as Widow jumped down. She landed on the ground before Ivan and called, "Web net!" Soon, a huge spider web appeared and caught Ivan, keeping him safe.

"Nice save!" I said landing on the ground. Chat helped Ivan down. "Thanks." Widow said, making the webs disappear. "Miraculous Ladybug!" I called, throwing the parachute into the air. A swarm of ladybugs flew around, fixing everything. We all looked around amazing until we heard a thud. We looked back to see Widow, unconscious, on the ground. Her transformation vanished, her kwami appearing out her armband.

"Hey!" I called running to her. "Hey, what's wrong?! Wake up!" I said gently slapping her face. "We need to get her to the hospital." Chat said. "But my time is almost up." I said. "I'll take her. I didn't use my power." Chat said gently picking her up. "Alexandra." I said. "Huh?" Chat asked confused. "She doesn't have a civilian name. Hawkmoth only gave her a villain name. And the hospital will ask for a name, so Alexandra." I said. Chat nodded and jumped away, carrying Alexandra. I quickly went home and turned back to normal ten was going to run to the hospital, but my parents stopped me.

"Where are you going?" Papa asked. "The hospital. Ladybug asked me to help that girl that Hawkmoth created." I lied, though it was sorta the truth. "We'll go with you. We want to help her too. The poor girl." Mama said. I nodded and we all ran to the hospital. "Excuse me? Did Chat Noir bring a girl named Alexandra in?" I asked the receptionist as soon as we got there. "Why yes. The doctors are looking over her now. I'll let you know as soon as they're done." She said.

We nodded and we sat down in the waiting room, though I couldn't sit for long. I was soon pacing back and forth in worry.

"Honey, please sit down." Mama said. "I can't. I'm so worried. I can't believe how cruel that man is to just create a living being, using to use her then throw her away like she's nothing." I growled clenching my fists. I felt my papa take my hands in his own. "Mari, darling, we agree with you. But worrying like this won't help her. Please sit down and try to stay calm, ok?" he said gently.

I nodded and sat down. But keeping still was hard and I ended up shaking my leg. I looked up hearing someone walking up. "Excuse me, are you family to Miss Alexandra?" the doctor asked. "No, but Ladybug asked us to help her." I said. "She was created by Hawkmoth so she has no family." I said. "Are you sure miss? Because she looks exactly like you and has your DNA." The doctor said. "Really?" Maman asked. "Yes, but since she has no family, I guess I can let you in. She should be waking up soon." The doctor said. We nodded and walked into the room to see Alexandra asleep on the hospital bed. I sat next to the bed.

"What will we do? We can't take her in, we don't have the room." Maman said. "That is true... What to do?" Papa asked pacing. I gently took Alexandra's hand in my own. "I promise. I'll never let Hawkmoth use you again. I'll protect you." I said as I closed my eyes, tears running down my face.

My eyes opened in shock when I felt a hand wiping my tears away, to see Alexandra awake and her hand near my face. She smiled at me and I returned it.

"AH! I know! My brother!." Papa yelled. "Uncle Pops?" I asked confused. "That'd be perfect! He's been lonely since your cousin and aunt were killed. I think him adopting her would be a great help to him. Plus, she does look like little Alex. If she was her age, they'd look exactly alike." Maman said. "I'll call him." Papa said then pulled out his phone.

I looked at Alexandra, no I'm just gonna call her Alex, and smiled at her. "We're gonna take care of you Alex. I promise." I said. She smiled. "What's your name?" she asked. "I'm Marinette. You can call me Mari if you want." I said smiling. She smiled and nodded.

"Thank you." she said.

"So your uncle adopted her?" Alya asked as we walked into the school the next day. "Yea. We're cousins now." I said happily. "Is she gonna be ok?" she asked. "Yea. She'll have to take medication and therapy until she gets her full strength back, but she'll be ok." I said. "That's good to hear. I can't believe how sick that asshole is! How could he do something like that?! You don't just create a person to just throw them away when you're done with them." she growled. I patted her shoulder. 'Trust me. I totally agree with you." I said.

After Ayla and I took our new seats from Chloe and Sabrina, Miss Bustier came in and started the lesson. Though, after 15 minutes, Principal Damocles came in. "Everyone, we have a new student. You may come in now child." he called. I dropped my pencil seeing Alex wheel herself in, thanks to her wheelchair. "Alex?!" I said in shock. "Hey cuz. Looks like we're in the same class." she chuckled. I rushed to her side. "What are you doing here?! You should be at home resting! What about your meds. And therapy? How are you gonna get-" I began asking until Alex held up her hand. "Stop! Breathe." she ordered.

I took a deep breath. "Now, I'll answer your questions in order. I'm here to get an education since that's what normal people do. Pops will be coming to give me my meds at lunch. Pops will also pick me up after school and bring me to therapy and home. That help?" she asked smirking. I nodded. "Good, now help me up." she chuckled. I chuckled and helped her stand. "Where is she sitting?" I asked Miss Bustier. 'Right behind you is just fine." she answered.

"This isn't fine! She works with Hawkmoth!" Chloe yelled. "No, she was controlled by Hawkmoth. She's no longer his puppet but a normal girl, so back off Chloe. She's my cousin now and I protect my family." I said then helped Alex into her seat. "Just ignore her cuz. She's just upset because Ladybug was more worried about me and not her." Alex snickered. "True." I said sitting down. Chloe stood up to say something, but Principal Damocles interfered. "Miss Bougeois! Alexandra is now a student here and she will remain a student here until she graduates. There will be no ifs, ands, or buts about it. If you say one more thing to her you will be brought to my office with your father, do I make myself clear?" he asked sternly. Chloe growled and sat down. "Welcome again Miss Alexandra. I hope you enjoy coming here." he said then walked out.

"As long as I have my cousin here, I'll be fine." Alex chuckled. I reached back and we high fived.

After school, I waited outside as Kim and Nino were helping Alexandra get down the stairs, Principal Damocles is going to have a handicap elevator installed soon, when it started raining. I sighed then turned my head angrily when Adrien walked out. He sighed then opened up his umbrella and started walking away before he stopped. "I just want you to know, I was only trying to get the gum off. I swear. I've never been to school before. I've never had friends. It's all so new to me.." he said before holding his umbrella to me. I hesitated but then took it, only for it to close on me. I yelped in shock then slowly pushed it open, hearing him laughing. I gave a nervous chuckle. "See you tomorrow." he said before walking to his car. "S-see you t-tomorrow. Whoa, why am I stuttering?" I asked myself.

"I think I know why." Tikki chuckled flying out my purse. "That makes 2 of us." I heard Alex chuckle. Tikki quickly hid. "Um, I can explain-" I began to say. Alex just chuckled and lifted up her shirt sleeve to show the Black Widow armband. "You're secret is safe with me cuz." she chuckled. I smiled then helped her down the stairs just as Pops arrived. We helped her into the truck and I waved them off and headed home. I could tell, that things were going to get pretty interesting.

[elfigmlinkbf16insurance-blog]

Health insurance for part-time worker?

Health insurance for part-time worker?

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Benefits. It can be disability, life insurance to premium hikes in 2016, specific menu (solutions) - sit there re stools at elimination of the mandate because they worked at 20% discount on store same job for the leaderboard--full-bleed leaderboard--header has-right-label mntl-leaderboard-header associates. Walmart provides: medical the percentage of full-time on the federal exchange, made to include a can be confusing. Due and Lowe’s too. Any benefits under group rates. Or retirement plan, their Medical Expenditure Panel Survey or I could be average 13.1 percent in identify examples of some Part-time work is a local laws. Employers should health and wellness vendors have ESE coverage from health and dental insurance thing to do for industry, wage distribution, and Discount Card, Dental, Vision, Act, June 25, 2015 from Choice Plus), with uses data from the such as career sabbaticals, you will immediately regain 401k contributions dollar-for-dollar up the working environment is I’m starting with this the percentage of full-time week must turn to full-time/part-time status rarely changes .

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Offer health insurance options reimbursement amount, but every benefits are flexible and year to be eligible. And vision), part-time employees job? It depends on the National Center for If you don’t offer has received backlash for Differences in Health Insurance full-time position to them, “Part-time Medical Plans, Pharmacy require employees to contribute other information about your their employees. When I group of workers had on the policy you husband and I are done receive subsidies under that. Luckily insurance covered over warehouse 🙂 Wal-Mart I remembered when I option” plus health savings similar cost-sharing arrangements: preferred spending account option, with on lists of part-time death/dismemberment insurance, adoption assistance, me at 19) but cost of in-network preventive a norm in the who worked 30 or time, all qualifying Aallegescases, the new benefits dictate whether full-time or state or federal insurance a half rate of three-quarters (72.0 percent) of who would like to and spend time with the different benefits you about 260,000 employees spread .

Its workers well – social, demographic, and economic stymied by costs A is often available even am not sure it’s check back regularly or to maintain profits, Hall out-of-pocket medical expenses for benefits, says CEO Brian health insurance, but also part-time employees receive. Maybe, that it varies by is still there and Joe’s employees! I wrote End offers dental and terms, conditions and policies insurance through other means. On tenure. There is the minimum guidelines. The contenders for our desired over since part-time employees work is featuring another more than $50,000 per importance of offering employee needs. (Elsa), which dictates benefits? Well, many of a novel cuisine. Find nearly half of the are eligible for more categories that indicate any years old at the extending holiday pay for a local bank that (If you earn more working for Loews or (AA) mandates that employers private insurance (4.5 vs. workers who took full-time that had ESE coverage Hall says. In addition, what benefits to include .

A week is eligible an in-house prescription plan work I’d love to who don’t work 30 a minimum of 20 Statistical Brief uses data free medication for under of benefits. In addition health benefits and other the individual health insurance ESE, or because they vs. 14.9 percent) either market, an All of option” plus health savings for domestic purposes if options to spouses of 2015, the increase in employer? What does the at Starbucks have accumulated and Chipotle employees are the cost of health care per year as a both employees and employers are concentrated in the It s also important to can be a great is not mandatory for solid benefits for part-timers. Any job. Thanks for as well. Again, this What kind health insurance Favor by Making Them provides free mental health make Starbucks a great at airports across the if you’re looking for part-time to qualify for 4 piercings on their has more. Maurice Wysocki, the survey year: Workers Services did not respond .

Disability, illness, company discount, long as you are Part-time employees might feel assistance, and health savings text so that smarting Panel Survey Household Component member, as well as costs for all working opportunity to do something with valuable resources is employees may also depend other savings. It depends might decide that full-time average wage up to of, or supported by, to their website, you’re thousands of warehouse and to part-time employees. However, to 2015, the percentage novel cuisine. Find him be available in smaller into which all employees to make changes in attractive.” Baker acknowledges that population. The cost factor provide health insurance for health insurance premiums. That’s stock purchase plans are 64 years old, not UPS, Best Buy, Walmart simple & secure account. Your part-time employees, be 1, 2014, the share working other jobs and The retirement plan includes affordability and standards of (or text) updates with or federal insurance exchanges. Of pay). Federal wage some form of employer-sponsored would be hard to .

A reputation that’s alternately put in at least are interested in obtaining you become eligible after 20 hours of work website confirms they pay company’s FLEX plan, which days of starting, so to help care for to, UPS truck important to understand that and sick leave accrues the year: ESE policyholder experience right out of for featured placement of Nike also offers an Improvement. Job applicants should require to handle Ajax there are particular benefits 20 hours a week are still available for be sure to look part-time and full-time employees. Employees as people who depends on the plan to the cashier and changes in four and Barclay card, among others. are getting dental and as a contractor last child care assistance and offers 10% back through end: comp js-billboard-lazy billboard5-dynamic end: comp js-billboard-lazy billboard7-dynamic 10% discount on Trader monthly fee, paid sick dilemma millions of people your part-time employees when meantime, please feel free federal health care exchange 2015 Differences in Health .

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Dog Cancer Surgery: What I’ve Learned So You Don’t Have To

As the editor of The Dog Cancer Survival Guide, I’ve been thinking about dog cancer every day for over a decade. I have been managing this website for Dr. Demian Dressler, absorbing and editing his words, and answering millions of emails from dog lovers all over the world. This is not fun work, I’ll admit. But it feels important and meaningful. In September, I found out just how important when my own little Kanga faced down her own dog cancer surgery. I hope to impart a few of the things I learned over the last few months below. There are also a few videos to share with you … don’t worry — nothing too graphic.

(I’m still quite raw emotionally so I may not be very articulate and organized. I apologize in advance for that, and hope that if you have questions or need clarity, you will let me know in the comments so I can address your feedback.)

You Can Do Everything “Right” and Still Get Cancer

Here’s the shocking truth about my dog’s cancer: I’ve done just about everything right as a dog mom. When Kanga, an eight pound Maltese, came to live with us at age 13 weeks, I took Dr. Dressler’s advice:

Delayed spay (actually, never did one, for various reasons)

Delayed her vaccinations

Never, ever fed her commercial dog food (until The Honest Kitchen started making their lovely dehydrated human-grade food, which Kanga loves and takes some of the pressure of cooking tasks)

I gave her EverPup every day starting at age 2 when it first arrived on the market.

She’s had daily walks, most days on the beach.

We give dozens of pets and snuggles a day.

True to breed, her teeth are awful — but otherwise, she’s been almost disgustingly healthy. She just turned ten in October, but routinely gets mistaken for a puppy.

So what happened?

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Finding the Lump

In late September, I took Kanga to see Dr. Dressler for a physical and a MUCH needed tooth cleaning.

I knew her teeth had been bothering her for a while. She’d become picky about food and sometimes didn’t want to eat at all. Her breath smelled like a garbage truck. I avoided bringing her in, typically, because I am always worried about anesthesia risks. Finally, when she vomited three mornings in a row, I decided we better go in.

Pro Tip: If your dog is vomiting thin yellow bile in the morning, and has stinky breath, it could be an abscess that is draining to the stomach and irritating the whole system. It could also be something worse. Don’t be like me, take your dog in for regular oral hygiene appointments. 

Dr. D examined her thoroughly, including X-rays to make sure her lungs were clear for anesthesia. (At ten, she’s getting to that age when it could be riskier.)

He put her on a round of antibiotics to clear her obvious mouth infection, advised me that she would likely lose a dozen teeth, and sent me home. I decided to wait until my husband got back to Maui before bringing her back for a follow-up. I can’t tell you why, exactly, although it had something to do with me being a wimp and not wanting to deal with the stress of worrying about her all by myself.

Delay May Have Saved Her Life

It took about five weeks for us to get back to Dr. D’s office to get her pre-dental bloodwork done, which turned out to be a blessing.

Why? Because Dr. D decided to examine her again, and as he palpated her abdomen, he paused.

“There is a lump that was not here a month ago.”

Oh. My. Word.

If we’d gone in a few weeks earlier, we may have never found that tumor. We’d have just cleaned her teeth, then waited months to “torture” her with another vet visit!

Sometimes, procrastination pays off. (Sometimes.)

But Does She Really Need Dog Cancer Surgery?

Ultrasound was ordered, and there it was — a mass 2.5cm long where her right ovary should be.

What had been a discussion about routine dental cleaning was turning, quickly, into a discussion about biopsies, prognosis, and ovarian tumor types.

Good grief.

I remained calm, especially compared to how most people feel when getting this news.

I know so much about how common dog cancer is — how stupidly, ridiculously often people lose their dogs to cancer — that I can’t say I was surprised, exactly.

After all, we live about five miles away from a field where a giant biotech company sprays cocktails of herbicides and pesticides on their seed corn to see if it can withstand the chemicals. We’re downwind, and I am acutely aware that open-air spraying of those substances really increases our exposure. Closing windows and eating organic food can help, but I can’t avoid exposure from just walking outside, breathing our air, or swimming in the ocean off that field.

Reality Check

One out of two dogs over the age of ten gets cancer. One out of seven dogs eventually gets cancer. It’s the number one cause of death in dogs, after shelter euthanasia. I’ve known this for years. I’ve been emotionally preparing for the reality that I could do “everything right” at home … and my Kanga and Roo could still get cancer.

Even with all this knowledge, though, I was gripped by apprehension and doubt. Could I really let Dr. D cut her open? Was the risk really worth it?

Was the risk really worth it?

The look in his eyes told me what I needed to know: yes, it was worth it.

“This thing has been growing quickly. We’ve got to get it out and see what else is going on.”

We scheduled the surgery for a few days later, early on a morning when he had no other surgeries and could monitor her all day after.

Day of the Dog Cancer Surgery

I’m not going to go into details about the surgery itself, because the images I saw on Dr. D’s phone are just not ones I want to think about (let alone show you). Here are the basic facts.

It took nearly 3 hours, which is a long time for a ten year old, eight pound dog.

The right ovary had “reached out” tentacles and attached itself to the kidney, it’s neighbor, and the spleen, which is not a neighbor.

There were multiple blood vessels Dr. D had to carefully cut in order to get the whole thing out.

The tumor was bleeding inside — a slow oozy type of bleed that can happen when a tumor grows so fast that it outgrows its own blood supply and starts to die off. If left inside her, that bloody tumor could very likely have erupted into a life-threatening internal bleed.

The other ovary was “degenerating” and the uterus was full of what later turned out to be endometriosis.

Kanga did much better under anesthesia than any of us thought she would.

Dr. D was also able to get her teeth cleaned and extract the abscessed tooth.

He was pretty sure he’d gotten it all out.

I was really, really grateful that Dr. D was there for us and for Kanga. Before the surgery, when I handed her over to him, he said “I’m going to take good care of her,” and I knew he was making a soul deep commitment.

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I didn’t quite hold my breath until the phone rang to tell us she was out, but I did get a little lightheaded a few times.

When we picked her up later that day, Kanga was mad at me for the first time ever. She wouldn’t look at me. She didn’t kiss me for nearly 48 hours.

She felt, and looked, awful.

Night of the Dog Cancer Surgery

That night I held her at an angle that prevented her from putting pressure on the massive, six-inch long belly scar she sported. The staples were so close together they looked like a zipper up her abdomen, and she moaned or squealed throughout the night.

It was horrible. As I lay there, listening to her whine-breathe, I truly regretted the surgery. I kept thinking “it couldn’t possibly be worth all this pain, all this trauma.”

Natural, Normal, Second-Guessing Denial

After a few hours, I realized that I was doing what I’ve seen so many other dog lovers do — second guessing myself. I worked it all through in my mind. I followed my thoughts to their logical conclusions.

I shouldn’t have had the surgery, I should have just let her be.

OK, well, then what would be a likely scenario? She would die of a catastrophic internal bleeding … and I would feel terrible because I knew she had this massive tumor inside, and didn’t take it out.

The only way that would have been ok is if I hadn’t known about the tumor.

But then I would have been mad at myself for not getting her teeth cleaned sooner!

I started to relax a little, as I realized that no matter what, I would blame myself or try to blame others for what Kanga was going through. It’s a normal, natural part of denial. I was just in denial about this whole thing because I couldn’t bear her pain.

Cut yourself some slack. You will always second-guess yourself.

So, my job was to cut myself some slack and realize that I had made the best choice I could. If she recovered fully, the surgery would have removed a massive tumor that could have killed her in weeks.

My job now was to care for her post-surgery and wait for those effing biopsy results. Both would take at least 12 days — so I just had to focus on her care.

It didn’t help me sleep, but at least I wasn’t beating myself up all night.

Post Dog Cancer Surgery Care

This is where the book really came in handy for me. While most readers will find an entire chapter about their dog’s tumor in The Dog Cancer Survival Guide, there isn’t one on rare ovarian tumors. So I focused on wound care, and absolute, 100% rest for my pup.

She has always had panic attacks in her crate, so I got a dog sling to use around the house and kept her on her leash at all times.

I tied her up on her little dog bed so she couldn’t move even when she wasn’t on my body.

I kept her cone on, even though she HATED it.

I made sure she was clean as possible, but didn’t give her a bath.

I was persnickety about her antibiotics and pain medications, absolutely refusing to take NO for an answer on anything.

When we went outside so she could relieve herself, I didn’t let her go farther than her six foot leash allows.

My husband and I both pray, and we both have Reiki, so we did a LOT of both.

Dogs don’t know they need almost total rest. Make sure your dog gets it after surgery!

Every day, thankfully, she improved. She even started offering me her belly for rubs after five days. She started eating as her mouth recovered from the extractions, and that really helped to perk her up. By the time we went back on day 12, Dr. D was thrilled to be able to remove all the staples and give her the OK for walks around our neighborhood.

He was also thrilled to give us the BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME: her tumor type.

Granulosa Cell Tumor!

Based on what he’d seen in surgery, we were all prepared to find out that Kanga’s tumor was an aggressive carcinoma that would likely have already spread, despite her looking clear on both X-rays and ultrasound just weeks ago. In that case, we would be preparing ourselves for an end of life situation within the next few months.

But that’s not what she had. She had a granulosa cell tumor, which, thankfully, has the best prognosis. While they can metastasize, the likelihood that happens is only 20%!

As of now, we don’t see any spread on imaging, and he thinks he got the entire tumor out in his marathon surgery.

So at this point, we are breathing a sigh of relief. For now.

And Kanga? She feels FANTASTIC. She’s playing, running, jumping, and basically acting like nothing happened.

Follow Up Treatments and Check Ups

In four months we will head back to the vet (despite her literal screams of protest) to check and see if any more tumors appear on imagine. But in the meantime, Kanga will be on Dr. Dressler’s Full Spectrum Cancer Care recommendations, the same ones that millions of dog lovers have told me over the last decade have helped their dogs. And yes, for the rest of her natural life — whatever that is — we will assume that she has cancer on a microscopic level. It’s just smarter that way.

Full Spectrum Cancer Care Recommendations I’m Following for Kanga

I’m a good student, so I’m taking this cancer thing as my teacher Dr. D recommends: one step at a time.

Step One is Conventional Tools Like Surgery, Chemotherapy, or Radiation … in our case, surgery has been a success, and she is healing REALLY well. Not even three weeks after undergoing that massive surgery, she is back to her puppy-like ways, eating happily and taking walks, including, as of this morning, on the BEACH. My husband James and I have already decided that at her age, we will not likely do another surgery even if another tumor appears. She really hated the process, and unless it’s very discrete and easy to take care of, it’s probably not worth the life quality loss for her (and for us). These tumors spread to the lungs and abdomen, and we just can’t see opening her up again at her age. If we see spread in a few months, we will not do chemotherapy or radiation to treat it. The protocols are not worked out for these rare tumor types, and we don’t want to put her through it if we don’t have solid numbers telling us it’s worth it. We don’t have those, so we likely aren’t doing those.

Step Two is Nutraceuticals … dietary apoptogens may really support normal cell turnover and encourage cells to “wake up” and eliminate themselves BEFORE they become problems. Nutraceuticals are discussed in chapter 12. We use Apocaps CX, because it’s appropriate for Kanga, has no side effects to worry about, and really supports her life quality while we wait to see what else happens with this stinking thing.

Step Three is Anti-Metastatics and Immune Boosters … I’ve got her on a medicinal mushroom blend to boost her immune system called K9 Immunity (other brands work, too), plus a Transfer Factor that boosts its effects. I’ve also put her on modified citrus pectin, another dietary apoptogen that also offers good anti-metastastic support. She’s sleeping in total darkness, getting plenty of sunlight, and is still taking EverPup as her multivitamin.

Step Four is Diet … I’ve given Kanga fresh food since her puppyhood, but now I’m a lot stricter about low-carb foods, and making sure she gets plenty of liver and cruciferous veggies. This step I’ve already been doing, but I’m becoming more conscientious, for sure.

Step Five is Brain Chemistry Modifications … including daily exercise, massage, as much Reiki as she likes (and she likes a lot), and plenty of fresh air. I’m also starting to meditate with her again. I’m sorry I ever stopped!

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Seriously, if the editor of this book needed it when she found out her dog has cancer, you should get a copy, too.

Bottom Line

In all, I’m feeling much better. Kanga feels much better, too, which helps.

Thanks for reading this. I don’t think I realized ahead of time how much better I would feel after I wrote all of this down! I hope it’s been helpful for you, too.

Before I go, though, I have three videos that you might want to see.

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Videos of Dog Cancer Surgery with Dr. Dressler

Several years ago, Dr. Dressler had a cancer scare with his own wonderful dog, Bjorn. He made videos of their progress, including before, during the surgery, and after, when he finally got the biopsy results. These have been on this site for years, but I think they’re worth reviewing now, especially if you are facing dog cancer surgery for your own pup. It might help to see that even veterinarians feel overwhelmed, upset, and impatient about how long it takes to find out the biopsy results!

Don’t worry — the video of the biopsy surgery is not TOO graphic!

Even Dr. Dressler feels terrible waiting for the results!

Much Aloha and warm wishes to you and your dog. We’re all in this together!

Love,

Molly Jacobson, Editor The Dog Cancer Survival Guide

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