#roman empire jokes

[dabadoowop]

a roman guy walks into a bar and asks for 5 beers while holding up two fingers. when the beers are almost done, he holds up 2 more fingers, saying, ‘no, wait, i want 7’. he then proceeds to be stabbed by everyone in the bar because it isn’t a bar, it’s ancient rome during the ides of march.

[cryptictangerine]

*Throws on tin foil hat* THE END IS NIGH! HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF, WE ARE DOOMED! DOOMED I TELL YOU!

[lesbiansuga]

507 days until jimin is back ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚ map of the soul 7 dance practice making film

cr. namuspromised

[fearandhatred]

to rome: a play by fearandhatred

(5k words, 1/1 chapters)

While trying to tempt Caligula, Crowley makes a discovery that renders all his efforts for naught. But then it turns out that Aziraphale is here too, so maybe his trip to Rome isn't wasted after all.

***highly recommended to read on a phone because of the Multiplicity Of Line Breaks that just look very weird on a laptop unless your font size is huge

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i've always loved the idea of crowley falling in love with aziraphale in rome. in some ways it really is my roman empire so i figured i might as well make it happen! featuring many shenanigans and an annoying emperor :)

any and all support is greatly appreciated <3

anyway it all started with a dream:

so this is for @eybefioro @captainblou @crowleys-bentley-and-plants who challenged me to write a fic with no angst and also, coincidentally, for that one commenter who asked me on the same day if i would consider writing something happy for once. against all odds and with much difficulty, i have done it. love u guys sm <333

[coquettemouse]

Jason asked for Apollo to remember how is it to be a human, but himself never could learn that.

[biryukzlodei-artblog]

Happy birthday, @ligeyah 🎁 I wish that everything you plan comes out the way you want it.

[madame-helen]

[oh-no-its-bird]

"I bet Hikaku-sama would know how to castrate someone." Ichigo mumbled, kicking at the floor dejectedly, and her mother paused. "Why in the world would Uchiha Hikaku know how to safely castrate someone?" Ichigo stared at her mother blankly, who stared back with an equally confused expression. "Um, cuz he's a eunuch, right?" "Excuse me?" Ichigo frowned. "He had to chop of his own, for some mission in the Daimyo's court or something, right? Before he became clan heir?" "Where did you hear that?" "The twins told me!" Ichigo scowled, oddly miffed by her mother's doubt. "And you believed them?" Ichigo planted her fists on her hips. "Well when I asked Kagami, he believed it too! And every time after that when I mentioned it to people, no one argued!" "Hatake Ichigo," her mother began, and Ichigo froze at her dangerously level tone. "Have you been going around telling people that the Uchiha clan heir is a eunuch." "Um." Was all she could manage, finally realizing she may have messed up. Just a bit.

Doing something silly, no one look at me rn

[oxygenpdf]

“Greek mythology” this “Roman empire that” stfu, they’re MY Roman Empire, they’re MY tragic Greek love story.

[strangelittlestories]

The part of you that wants you to do well That reaches to be better today Than you could be yesterday The bit of you that believes in your own excellence That grasps always hungrily for what’s beyond the horizon of common sense

It does not have to be your enemy

Though, I admit, for me it has trained to be Strains always indubitably To grasp reasons I am failing Making a weapon out of learning Sharpening its points on should’s and ought’s Always falling short of an ever farthening destination Eyes set on where I’m not Rather than on what I’m becoming

There are two wolves inside me And they’re both shouting “I can’t believe you only have two wolves inside you You’re nearly forty You should be full of wolves by now. Look at all this space This sad, wolf-less space And there’s good eating here For metaphorical wolves. All this self-loathing hopping around Just going to waste. But do you ever think of the metaphorical wolves? No. You only think of the Roman Empire For some inexplicable reason. Typical.”

But it need not be so

Your own sharp edges will not always make you bleed; They can be taught to sculpt gently. The hunter will heed instruction. And with graft and luck someday The bit of you that knows the way to tomorrow Will learn how to stop the test short of destruction And say:

“I hold us to a high standard. And it’s okay that we don’t always meet it But I’m the part of you who Holds the memory of heaven’s buckshot At the start of everything. I recall the shape of every fuck we gave away When we didn’t yet clock their value.

I am the reckoning of us; The maths between the messes we’ve made And the blessings we would not have grabbed If we hadn’t stretched.

Yes, left unchecked I’ll bludgeon you with criticisms But untwist me and see What we can achieve.

After all, you may only have two wolves inside you But it only took one To start the Roman empire.”

[echosluvr]

just remembered none of the milkovich siblings , ESPECIALLY mandy and iggy, were at the gallavich wedding guys its kinda over

[somesharkguy111]

lamb to the slaughter

[menlove]

the thing abt the roman empire trend is it was very funny when it was ppl asking their white cishet husbands/fathers/brothers how much they thought abt it bc it was like. a subtle dig abt how a lot of white cishet men are very obsessed w war in history and nothing else and glorify an era that they saw as hypermasculine and White

like it started out good it started out funny

it got annoying when people started going "omg what's the roman empire For Girls? it's (poetry/bridgerton/ex best friend)"

like no I'm sorry the equivalent For Girls™️ (aka cishet white women as a critique) would be true crime. like in the same way cishet white men think obsessively abt war and hypermasculine periods of history, cishet white women obsess over true crime very unethically despite numerous victims and family of victims talking abt how harmful the true crime community is. they are obsessed with the violent death/rape/torture of people without regard to their real lives or their families. THAT is the "girl roman empire" and it has the same tongue in cheek critique as the og

but noooo we just wanna say War Is For Men and Poetry Is For Women bc the white cishet women missed the joke and just wanted to recreate "girls go to college to get more knowledge boys go to jupiter to get more stupider" but in their 30s

like it's not that serious I know but. I'm autistic and I notice these things lmao.

[beanghostprincess]

If I don't see my guy Usopp on Elbaf soon I will probably disintegrate from existence

[mythosphere]

The "every man thinks about the Roman Empire at least once a day" factoid is actually just statistical error. Romanus Georgus, who lives under the Ara Pacis and thinks about the Roman Empire 10,000 times per day is a statistical outlier and should not be counted

[my-name-is-apollo]

OKAY so I read "The Caesars" by emperor Julian and y'all, if you love Lucian's satires this is absolutely for you.

Here are some of my favorite parts from it:

A quick summary: Romulus (who has now attained the status of a god, like Heracles) once hosted a Saturnalia and invited the Greek gods and the Roman emperors to the banquet. A contest between the Roman emperors ensued, with Alexander the Great called in as an extra contestant upon Heracles' request.

Silenus is the star of the show, doing most of the jesting. But I really like the way his bond with Dionysus is highlighted

And it's no joke, he really does roast these emperors till they're sizzling lol starting with Julius Caesar himself:

Next comes Augustus Octavius, whose entry is so pretentious and pompous that it becomes repulsive

Apollo gets a bit defensive over his "nursling" (a nod to the belief that Octavius was actually Apollo's son) and goes *insert Barbie meme "it's really not that bad! it just needs a little... shaping. To the salon!!"* ft Zenon the Philosopher who casts some spells of philosophy to make Octavius less obnoxious

And it works because Octavius is mostly humble and well mannered for the rest of the day lol

Heracles grabs this opportunity to fanboy over Alexander the great.

Like, "my beloved Alexander"?? It's cute when the gods gush over their mortal descendants.

Now, a shoutout to the emperors who didn't even get a chance to sit in the assembly because they were the worst of the lot apparently. We have:

Caligula, so terrible that the gods didn't wanna even look at him and he straight away was sent to Tartarus

Nero, who tried to be an Apollo wannabe and promptly got taken to the underworld

Commodus, whom Silenus didn't even bother to roast (and he tripped and fell anyway, what a loser)

There are more but these were the funniest

Anyway, the gods decide on how to choose the best amongst the Emperors. Apollo and Hermes have differing opinions on this, but Zeus decides to entertain the suggestions of both of his sons :3 (finally, one instance where he treats Apollo and Hermes equally)

All the emperors talk about their achievements first, then Hermes cross examines them to see if their motives were worthy enough and oh boy, it does not go well for Alexander who is brought to the verge of tears by Dionysus lmaooo

Anyway, in the end the gods vote and Emperor Marcus Aurelius wins the contest. But after that, Zeus asks each emperor to choose a god to spend the rest of their evening with

Ares and Aphrodite kind of just adopt Caesar LOL and yes, Cronus is present, sitting beside Zeus, with Rhea and Hera also sitting with them. He is the one who nominates Marcus Aurelius.

but here's the most crack part of this whole thing:

Like who invited Jesus bro skdjsndn 😭

Anyway, the story ends with Hermes giving some generic advice to the author, Emperor Julian and ending the story. Also, Julian lets us know that this whole story was told to him by none other than Hermes himself, and gives a disclaimer that he doesn't know if it's is true or just a lie fabricated by Hermes, or a mixture of both LMAO

Here's the link PLEASE READ THE ENTIRE THING