#remembering that photo of my brothers and dad and grandpa all shaving together for the first time

[nitewrighter]

Jaime was always self conscious about his facial hair because he was stuck with a permanent puberty mustache and that can be kind of awkward if you still have that kid face. Vishkar didn't allow him any sharp objects (for obvious reasons) but there actually was talk among the orphanage authorities to laser the hair off of his face to make him more 'presentable' (obviously Jaime's consent in this wasn't a factor at all). He ran away before they could really do anything. It was Cass and Hanzo who ultimately taught him how to shave and it actually was this weird bonding moment because "Wow you're trusting me with sharp objects and also this is maybe a coming of age thing or something? This is a thing dads do???" And even if he was still kind of stuck with the perma-stache he honestly did like shaving because honestly you don't have a lot of control over your own hygiene when you're homeless and he liked the ritual of it. It felt like a signifier of being home.

Later on he did end up finding his own file from Vishkar and the mutterings about his facial hair and he was like "Fuck those guys, I'm growing a beard."

[thevividgreenmoss]

My grandfather was awake and lucid for a longish while between late Friday night and Saturday morning apparently first time since this past Sunday when we all thought that was It and crammed ourselves seven people in one sedan that got a flat on the way over of course (as we were leaving the handle of the screen door came off in my hand as I was closing it behind me so the vibe was very on the nose things farcically falling apart that whole goddamn day lol) but then when we made it he was smiling and laughing and talking to and teasing everyone that was there, albeit with much more effort than it would have taken him even just a week earlier when he was already in a really frail state because of his hip surgery. My sister happened to be up later than she usually ever is and got to video call and chat with him for a bit I wanted terribly for my cousin in Colorado to be able to also but by the time he could get through my grandpa's blood pressure had suddenly spiked or something and he'd drifted back into that borderline unconscious state so they didn't get a chance to talk which makes me want to claw my fucking skin off of my face but who knows maybe another opportunity will present itself hopefully it does like he suddenly became really talkative and energized the other day after not having said more than maybe a couple sentences over the few previous days like I was there with him for several hours on Thursday and the entire time he didn't say a word and only opened his eyes once for like half a second and even that I might have been imagining after sitting there sleep-deprived and holding his hand trying not to cry because then my mom would start crying and then my aunt and on and on and if he's conscious at that point he'll start to get worried and his heart rate will destabilize but after that for this one stretch without anyone expecting it he was really talkative and alert and joking around with the nurses and doctors and all that for a while but then later yesterday afternoon he started to get disoriented and drift in and out of the present in between dreaming and waking again at one point apparently he kept saying 'look at my shoes' to my mom and her sisters and they thought it was just just the medication/pain-induced delirium talking but he kept insisting and eventually said 'you're not taking me seriously' and I guess gave up? Or said it a few more times I'm not clear on the course of events I only heard all this secondhand when my younger aunt, who also got diagnosed with cancer late last year but thankfully is more or less in the clear now, got back home last night and she and I went into his room and took all the shoes out of the cabinet he keeps them in and like looked inside and turned over and examined the soles of every pair, took the cushion insert things out of the ones that had them, checked for scooby doo-esque hidden doors, all that but there was nothing there just shoes. Her kids flew back out yesterday morning, the older one's tentatively returning to Toronto in the next week or so she had a painfully rough time in some ways her first couple of years and then abruptly had to be uprooted and leave because of covid then everything with her mom and in time honored eldest daughter tradition bearing the brunt of the familial frustration and insanity associated with that and now everything with our grandpa I really really want her senior year to go smoothly and be enjoyable and memorable in a manner opposite to how this past year+ has been I'm so worried about her and her little sister's starting freshman year there in the fall and I'm terribly worried about her in a whole different way like she's still really attached to her parents in this innocent way that still strongly resembles like a baby's adoring my mom hung the moon type attachment and it can be especially hard being away for the first time ever when that's the case...like she's hyper hypersensitive even by my family's standards lmao but she does have this sort of self-possession and inner groundedness that no one can quite pin down but it's

definitely there and maybe that

could carry her through I really hope so...they were saying to come up to visit them in the fall hopefully I can find a job soon after returning to Texas and like be able to afford to do that and also like keep paying the bills and shit lol in either case I hope so so badly that they'll be okay like I think they will be the women in my family are all really strong but they've also had to be because of various fucked circumstances and I don't want that to keep having to be the case...my grandpa's a Strong Woman in a certain way also honestly lmao like my mom's aunts have always been like your father raised you in a way beyond even most mothers which like who fucking receives let alone genuinely deserves that kind of praise from their in-laws lmao let alone a man from a notoriously patriarchal culture of a generation when fathers from any culture barely had any involvement in their children's upbringing at all which I mean most still don't but even more so back then and like literally everyone we've been hearing from or seeing drop by at the hospital has a story of how at one point or another my grandpa was there for them when no one else was like distant cousins variously removed and loose family friends all with something about how he comforted me when no one else could, I remember word for word what he said to me when I suffered some loss of my own, he's the strongest man in our family, the best times we ever had were when he was near us, when he'd take us out, his youngest brother's children saying he cared for and spoiled them as if their were his own after their dad died suddenly when they were just kids, my mom's third cousin whose own father was with her till a late age saying that he was even more of a father to me than my own father, his other brother's son who was ostracized for decades by his immediate family on some straight up racist ass bullshit on the part of his mom and older brother because he married a black woman but my grandpa stayed in touch and made sure my mom and uncle did as well and made sure we all got together when he'd came to the states, like even now lying there on what very well might be his literal deathbed when he can barely talk he was telling my uncle he's worried about him and he needs to go home and rest, asking who's taking care of the house, are the kids all okay even at this point his thoughts are for others. After I put his shoes back in the cabinet I closed it and opened the one beside just in case I guess just in case what I don't know but it was just like standard cabinet stuff clothes a shaving kit and a couple of what I assume are photo albums that I didn't feel like I should open for some reason and a few old books, a collection of Ghalib's which I can't really read very easily if at all because it's in Urdu lol, a history of government college of Lahore where his father was teaching at the time of his death and the two philosophy textbooks my great grandfather had written himself, Inductive & Deductive Reasoning, and inside the latter I found a handful of yellowed pages torn out of an old notebook upon which mostly seem to be translations of french poems and I think maybe a song or two? I guess old coursework or just for funsies I'm not sure whether written by my grandfather or his own father. My khala was mentioning just the other day that she'd kept one of my grandpa's old notebooks marked as having been designated for biology but inside it were no actual notes just urdu poetry which she wasn't sure whether it was his own original tossed off work or something the lifelong frustrated creative transcribed while bored in class. The night I got here I was looking through his bookshelves after everyone had gone to bed and then a couple of weeks ago I was sitting in the living room by myself watching archer when my cousin came and sat down next to me upset and unable to sleep on her own first night here and I held her and tried not to cry and then went through the same bookshelves again, this time with my cousin who we came to Pakistan for the first time after moving to the US

to see being born who turned three

the day we arrived on what until this current trip was the last time I was here her little sister having just been born earlier that same year (whose life I may or may not have saved when I caught her after she was dropped by the person holding her (the fact that (parentheticals within parentheticals!) I may or may not have been the one who dropped her in the first place is immaterial imo not that I'm the one on trial here but what's important is that I caught her and if anything this would be an even more athletically impressive and frankly heroic incident if I'd been the one that was holding her to begin with since I was 8/9 years old at the time and there wasn't much of a distance for her to fall and yet I kept her from hitting the ground like talk about reflexes like that's what's important and what's more important than even that @ my year older cousin (whose younger sister was the first baby in the family after myself whose arrival in this world when I was three had me positively giddy in the way that young children get when witnessing the miracle of even younger children, who's the only other one of the cousins that's been here during all this, just me and the three I got to see as darling little babies) who was the only other person in the room with me at the time, is that we take this to our fucking graves no one can hear a word of this least of all any adults in the house who like not that they're the ones on trial here either but like who allowed for this scenario to transpire in the first place where two children and an infant are in a room by themselves unsupervised in retrospect that's somewhat irresponsible not that I'd ever hold it against them or even mention it because then they might get mad and not let me hold my little cousin anymore and I do love holding my little baby cousin and carrying her around everywhere, mostly without incident)) neither of whom I'd see in person again until we visited them in Canada the summer after I graduated college the trip during which I finished the last of the Neapolitan novels the day after landing and turned 22 the day after their mother, my younger khala, turned 43, looking through my nana's bookshelves with my baby cousin no longer a baby but a U of T classics major entering her senior year, noting the overlaps with our own, Gabriel Garcia Marquez, George Eliot, the same exact copies of Cheever and Kafka's collected shorts, Umberto Eco, Proust, wondering what the various titles meant to him or what they might say about him, wondering how much of even the version of him that can be hypothesized based off his library I'm missing now that I'm limited to the much reduced version of what had been in his old home in Lahore (when he visited us after my junior year of hs and my mom was trying to convince him to downsize and move in with my other aunt with whom he's been living the past several years, the one who most resembles my grandfather the only one that has his cheekbones my khala whose eyes have sunken all the way into her skull before my eyes with exhaustion and grief over the past two weeks, when my mom was like what's the point of just hanging onto a bunch of books that you've already read: I look at them [dramatic pause], and I feel happy [my mom sighing equally dramatically in.exasperation, me cracking up in the background]) the city I was born in the house where I spent the first almost five years of my life before we moved to the US to join my dad who'd moved back shortly after my mom became pregnant with what turned out to be me, abu nana's house with the garden we'd walk through every morning holding his hand and following along as he puttered around with his plants in the garden in the house in the city he had to leave to move into my khala's house in Islamabad where I've been the past almost a month now where two weeks ago he suddenly came down with pneumonia and had to be dragged to a hospital in Rawalpindi where he's been since, not in his house, my nana's house, with the garden in the city I haven't seen since the last time I was in this country the

summer I

turned nine the day after my khala turned 30 the day before my other khala turned 32(?) the summer I first remember obsessive compulsive disorder becoming an overwhelming aspect of my consciousness although it was there before, the first summer of the Iraq war and being terrified watching the Iraq war unfold on the BBC evening news my nana would turn on

at dinner time and hearing for the first time or maybe just the first time I remember the night we left the phrase 'the rich will get richer and the poor will get poorer' from my younger khala talking to her sisters and some family friends that had come over to see us off feeling terrified and cold then embarrassed because she noticed my face visibly fall from across the room and told my mom and I was like godammit everyone knows I'm scared now smhead then crying the entire flight back home because I missed everyone and maybe had a little kid premonition that I wouldn't return to my nana's house and I would be years and years till I saw any of them again some I still haven't or maybe there was nothing premonitory about it but in either case that's the way it turned out. I do feel grateful I got to see him again at all, when he last came to the US late 2016-early 2017 I was sure it would be the last time we would be in the same room. I'd make breakfast for us every morning and we'd eat together and the entire day I'd sit next to him inhaling secondhand smoke and talking and reading. I was in the midst of my initial aborted attempt to read Swann's way when he arrived. I'd gotten to Guermantes way last summer but I couldn't find a secondhand copy so I had to read it via ebook and that didn't feel right so I abandoned it until now I've been reading a copy pulled from his bookshelf. Last he visited was the first time I learned we were both Garcia Marquez-heads which I'd kind of assumed before and I showed him Mad Men which he heavily fucked with and also every John Le Carre adaptation I could track down online. From the first time I read one hundred years of solitude the summer after freshman year of college the passage describing Colonel Aureliano Buendia's death already absolutely and unbearably heartwrenching enough immediately brought thoughts of my grandfather, aching aching sorrow over the solitude that he himself existed within in all the fucking pain his life has been inordinately filled with grief over the knowledge of this inevitable final separation from him after so many years and so much distance already having separated him from the people he loved and cared for and he loved and cared for so many people so deeply with such sincerity and beauty and endless endless warmth and compassion and humor when Gabo wrote of the colonel trying to reach back through to his memories and being unable to after previously recalling that distant afternoon when his father took him to discover ice even years later, as he faced the firing squad, at the moment of his death like a 'baby chick' my poor frail beautiful grandfather appearing exactly the same way when he'd take off his dentures and curl over to the side to sleep, then when awake but still half asleep hearing your voice having brought his apple cider vinegar and garlic concoction or a cup of tea or just coming by to hold his hand or play with his beard the way all of his grandchildren have at one point or another and smiling with his eyes still closed smiling bright and wide the expression of a precious little cat purring as you scratch under its chin always the most beautiful smile and even as his hair turned white and his body withered and wrinkled and shrunk his cheekbones while still not bad long ago ceased being the way they were in that picture from his wedding day back when he he looked like young Robert De Niro's much much prettier Kashmiri cousin from then until now always that same radiance and those same quick-witted and kind and bright bright bright sparkling eyes. The past month and a half I've been feeling like I'm seeing my own mother dying before my eyes along with her father, my adorable beloved abu nana, I can't even begin to comprehend how she must be feeling right now I feel like I'm witnessing her death in advance through all of this and losing the part of her that is him even though I know that's not actually the case. Things have been so fucking painful and complicated between us but the one thing we've shared that's never

been painful is our love for him. When he left after his last visit four years ago I spent the next two days barely able to even talk. Compliments or like any positive comments directed in my directions have almost always caused me this reflexive discomfort and uneasiness but whenever he or anyone else would say that I'm his favorite grandchild I'd want to hold on to that as closely as i possibly can. I don't want him to leave us and more than that I want for whatever happens to at least happen with him back at home but neither of those things seem likely right now although who the fuck knows. I hope his last thoughts can be of flowers, like Kafka's, and Lispector's, or of love, wherever he is I hope it's not asking too much to hope for that at least. For someone that spent his life so deeply immersed within that Garciamarquesian solitude he never made those around him feel any way other than at home, safe and warm and loved and adored and adorable and lovable and at home not because of a place not even the garden at the house in Lahore but with him always always I've never felt more at home than during the times I spent near him, and his love and his flowers

[sawthingsiimagined]

#XD30 TWELVE | DOUBLE TROUBLE

----------- [ Like You - Jace ] We sat in the car waiting to go inside of the building where the event was being hosted. I had mixed emotions about the event. I wasn't quite sure how I felt about our involvement in a matter such as the displacement of LGBTQ youth. We had no experience with this type of matter. Back home we didn't encounter many people who stood out against social norms especially at the church. I remember the one time we had a gay man join our church. My grandpa extended grace to him because grandpa is extremely compassionate. The deacons at my church were furious. When the guy joined the choir a few families left our church and the deacons tried to vote my grandfather out of office as Pastor of the church. It was an ugly thing to witness as a child. The man, soon after, left the church and the next time we heard about him was when he was murdered outside of a restaurant. The news reported that it was a hate crime since the shooter stated that the man was staring at him as he walked by. That was his motive for shooting the man. I was lost in my thoughts while Jada was trying to tell me about some guy she met. Her next statement brought me out of my trance. "I plan on having at least two of his babies.", she said with her tongue hanging out of the side of her mouth. I really could have reached over and pulled her tongue completely out of her. "Have what? A baby? Jada shut up.", I said with a look of disgust. "Boo you know I'm tripping but he really is all that.", she said while laughing. "I want you to meet him but I have to make sure he's cool with that. You know we have to keep a low profile because the blogs will rip our asses to shreds." "Language please.", I said. She knew I hated it when she cursed. I always told her she was too pretty to have an ugly mouth. "So what are we doing when we leave the event? Are we going to go relax or should we rehearse?", I asked as my phone buzzed from receiving a text message. "Ummm..we should probably rehearse. When we get to Jersey we won't have much rehearsal time outside of soundcheck. We have two radio interviews back to back plus a photo shoot.", she answered. "Cool. I have some ideas for one of the songs I'd like for us to work out.", I said as I opened the phone. The message was from Demarion. I hadn't heard from him since we'd been in D.C. Of course I saw him on stage and at rehearsals but we hadn't talked. We really hadn't had a casual conversation since the night he rescued me and stuffed me with food from the hotel vending machine. The text read: 'My mans, that suit is dope. I just saw it on your Snapchat. Let me borrow it when you're done. I can wear to the tour wrap party.' I smiled at the thought of him wearing my suit. He was much taller and bigger in size than I was. This suit would either rip or look like spandex on him but he could try. We are only allowed to wear an outfit once while we are on tour to avoid the fashion police. For some reason it's a rule to not wear the same things twice in this industry. I texted back: 'Sure thing. I'll even throw in the shoes for you. No extra charge' "Who has you smiling on the phone. You never told me about who you met? What's the hoe's name?" Jada asked. I looked up at her with a frown, rolled my eyes and read his reply. The text read: 'So how much for the underwear?' I stared at the phone and then shut it off. I wasn't sure how to answer that. I knew it was a joke but it felt weird. Demarion is the guy I avoided growing up: the jock, the class clown, the guy who got all of the attention from girls and every guy wanted to be his friend. Usually those guys picked on quiet guys like me. I couldn't understand for the life of me why he wanted to be my friend; I had my reasons of course. Either it was because of my new 'celeb' status, because there aren't many guys on the tour our age besides TJ and a couple of the dancers or because he was trying to use me to make sure he kept a job. A part of me wanted to believe the latter but he just didn't seem that way once you sat and talked with him. I tried to look at him as a brother, the same way I looked at TJ, because of his seemingly protective ways but that didn't feel right. Speaking of TJ, I looked outside of the car window and saw him waiting on me to get out of the car. We had grown closer since his drunken confession and our agreement to be brothers. We texted throughout the day and for once I felt like I had my own friend. TJ is hilarious and extremely intelligent. Not only can he produce lights, I learned that he knows pretty much all of the ins and outs of the production of sound, video, staging and lights. He even told me he danced most of his life which explains his toned body and why I assumed he was one of the dancers when we first met. He was dressed just like he said he would dress. He was wearing a white, thin, see-through type shirt under a navy blazer with white slacks and white dress shoes. He said he wanted to sneak into the VIP areas with Jada and I so he assumed if he wore our color scheme then he would be confused as a third member of FLAME or our manager. Possibly he could pass off as our manager because Mona was sporting a bright red sequence gown. She looked just like a 'flame'. We exited the car and TJ's eyes lit up. "Well look at you killin' em!", he exclaimed. I was wearing an all white jumpsuit that had a cool design across the chest. I agreed to shave the sides of my hair leaving the top of my hair long enough to make a man-bun. Adrienne wanted me to wear shades but I thought it made the outfit look corny. Usually I would be excited to hide behind the shade but tonight I would just have to be exposed for the sake of fashion. We all were seated together inside the large banquet hall that held about 300 people. I felt like we posed for at least 800 pictures before we sat down. I had worked up an appetite. They began bringing out food and I was elated. Stuffed turkey breast with cream potatoes, asparagus, carrots and dinner rolls. We missed the appetizer but that was ok. We made it in just in time for the main dish. TJ's plan worked because he sat right beside me. I was so happy to allow him the opportunity to experience this event. I felt like a great brother. Otherwise he'd be back at the hotel with the rest of the crew or exploring the city. Hopefully no one else was jealous about him being invited. While we ate, three of the foundation's youth came and shared their story. Each story was an awful account of an experience with their families. Mona and my sister barely remained seated as they both cried like babies hearing the testimonies. I did my best to fight back tears until I felt one hit the top of my hand. TJ passed me his unused napkin so I could dry my eyes. I declined because that was too extra. I wiped the tears with my hand. An 11 ear old boy stood and explained why his body was disfigured as if he had gone through a fire. His parents caught him in his room playing with dolls and talking about how cute some boy at his school was. He was talking to himself when they stormed in and asked him to repeat himself. He did so out of fear. His mom screamed "I knew you were gay! I always knew I just didn't want to believe." "Well I ain't raising no faggot. You have to go.", demanded his dad. The boy cried and ran into a closet. His dad tried to pull the door off of the hinges but was unsuccessful. What he did next was unimaginable. The boy recalled smelling lighter fluid and then seeing the door go up in flames. He had no where to run. The fire caught on to the items inside of the closet. He had to open the door by turning the scolding doorknob. His clothes were on fire and he simply forgot about the stop, drop and roll method. By the time he made it to the bathroom to jump in the shower his body was already badly burned. His neighbors saw the smoke and ran over after calling 911. Once the emergency response team arrived, the boy had blacked out and was laying on the bathroom floor suffering from 1st and 2nd degree burns. A few months later both parents had to go to court. Their account was that the boy was playing with matches in the closet after they told him to stop. Their story was almost believable until the evidence came forward regarding the lighter fluid. It showed the dad's hand prints on it as well as there was evidence that lighter fluid was used to start the fire. The boys print was nowhere to be found. Both parents were given long sentences without parole. The boy went on to live with his grandmother who died a month after he moved in. He was placed in foster care and it was there that he became a part of the EMBRACE FOUNDATION FOR YOUTH. He still had burn scars and marks on his arms, legs and neck area but he seemed to be very happy. After he spoke I politely excused myself. TJ followed me. "How could someone be so cruel?", I said bursting through the door of the men's restroom. I didn't expect to or realize I had gotten so angry listening to the youth share their story. Jada called my phone but I declined the call. "Some people have no souls and others don't see the soul in others man. You'd be surprised how many people don't make it out of a situation like that because of death by abuse or suicide. It's sad bro.", TJ tried to explain. "I don't know if I can sit through any more stories.", I said. "Yes you can. Although I think he was the last one. You give those kids hope. Like you, they are out here trying to survive being different.", TJ said and placed his hand on my back. I never considered myself different. If anything I was plain. But I kept silent so he wouldn't feel obligated to continue his sermon. I appreciated him for being there for me though. I washed my face and waited for my red eyes to clear. TJ said he would go back to the table and tell Jada I was feeling nauseated and would be back shortly. I checked my phone and noticed that I had a text. It was from Demarion. The text read: 'Hey man. I hope I didn't take the joke too far. I don't want to cross the wrong line with you. I do apologize.' He sent that over an hour ago. Thinking of how I didn't respond as quickly as the previous text I'm sure he was somewhere guilt tripping or thinking I hated him. I decided to text him back. I texted : 'Demarion, it's all good. We got pulled into the event and I didn't get a chance to reply. But I can take a joke. No harm done.' He immediately responded 'Cool my mans.' I wanted to reply but I figured it wasn't the right time to go into conversation while the event was going on. I returned to my table. Shortly after, Jada and I went up to the podium to present the All-Star Survivor Award. The 11 year old who shared his story was the winner. He won a trophy and two tickets to attend our show in the city of his show, all expenses paid. I was feeling extra generous and decided to add to the gift. Out of my character, I grabbed the mic and looked at him. "Have you ever been to Magic Kingdom?", I asked. "No sir.", he replied. "Well I want to send you on a weekend trip to Orlando to visit Magic Kingdom because you touched me tonight.", I said. Everyone applauded. "I also want to give free tickets for our next tour, where will we be the headlining performers and promoting our debut album, to all of the youth a part of the foundation. And I'll return in a year to this date to reward all honor roll students with a 3.0 or higher with something special." I finished before I put the mic on the podium. I received a standing ovation. I looked over and Mona, Jada and Adrienne were all looking at me as if they had seen a ghost. TJ smiled and clapped as if he was proud of what I had just done. After I sat down I forgot everything I had just said. I was caught up in the moment but I was going to make sure I did exactly what I committed to. We get back to the hotel room and I lay across my bed. TJ was sitting in the chair across from my bed. "Jace can I tell you something?", he asked. I was still out of it and recovering from what I had heard at the event so I didn't even assume what he was about to ask. "Sure bro. You can tell me anything.", I said. "You promise? Because I don't want it to change anything between us.", he said. At this point I stop staring at the ceiling and I looked over at him staring out of the large window in my room. The tv was off so there was no other sound and the only light was the light comping from the lamp on my night stand. "TJ just tell me.", I said in a serious yet gentle tone. "I'm gay.", he said. And that's all he said for a few minutes. I didn't know whether to pray, congratulate him or apologize. No one had ever told me that. "I felt the need to tell you because I saw how passionate you were for those kids tonight. My parents kicked me out during my senior year of high school when I told them. I never went to college. I started working at a strip club in the city and a guy taught me how to work the music and then the lights. That's where I began my journey in production. This tour means a lot to me because I thought after my parents basically escorted me out of the house with nothing but the clothes I had on my back, that I would not survive. I slept in shelters and abandoned homes until I made friends and then I began sleeping pon their couches. I eventually earned enough to get my own place and then I started touring. Truth is though, I've never been with a guy or anyone for that matter. I just know how I feel and what I'm attracted to.", he explained before gently sobbing. "Wow TJ. I had no idea. You don't act gay.", I said without thinking. "I'm sorry I didn't mean anything by that. I'm just saying you aren't what I typically picture gay men to be like.", I said trying to clean up my mess of statement. "No I get what you're saying. I've never told anyone I've worked with. But I felt like you could relate. It's just a blessing your family accepts you.", he said. Now wait, I was confused. Relate to me? Family accepts me? What is he trying to say? He started crying more. I go over to console him. "Um Bro. I'm not gay.", I said. He didn't respond. I don't think he heard me over his sobs. I allowed him to get it all out. He eventually excused himself and went to his room. I sat on the bed staring at the tv as if it was on. I wondered to myself, "Why would he think I was gay?"

[mudricky]

Courageous teenager Erin McCafferty who beat cancer has been chosen with her twin sister Nicole to launch the 25th birthday celebrations of Race for Life in Scotland.

The twins shared almost everything together growing up but never the same birthday. Despite entering the world just 25 minutes apart, they were born on separate days with Erin arriving at 11.50pm on 1st November while Nicole was born in the early hours of 2nd November 2000. But after Erin was diagnosed with leukaemia only three days before her 15th birthday, Nicole vowed to do everything she could to share that heartache, standing by her every step of the way through treatment.

Now Erin has been given the all clear, the twins are marking another milestone – the 25th birthday of Cancer Research UK Race for Life in Scotland. Scotland’s first Race for Life event was held in Glasgow in spring 1995. Since then, millions of pounds have been raised to fund vital research in to gentler and more effective treatments for cancer. Thousands are set to take to the streets again to take part in Scotland’s biggest Race for Life at Glasgow Green on May 19. Money raised will help scientists find new ways to prevent, diagnose and treat the disease, helping save more lives.

And there’s a chance to join the Race for Life 25th birthday celebrations at a special event on Argyle Street, Glasgow on Saturday March 30 between 10am and 5.30pm. Shoppers can decorate a sign to say who they’ll join the Race for Life for this year as well as submit their entry for this year’s event and take part in some fun glitter face painting.

Erin, now 18, said: “I’ve just celebrated the first year of being cancer free and it’s been the best year of my life.

“Nicole may be my little sister by 25 minutes but she’s also been like a best friend. I’m lucky to have a twin sister who I’m so close to. When I had my hair shaved off after I was losing it due to the side effects from chemotherapy it was Nicole who held me for ten minutes as we cried in the toilets. But I didn’t actually cry the first day I was told I had cancer. I think I was just in shock. When you’re a teenager you feel that you’re invincible. Cancer was something that happened to other people. It didn’t even enter my head that I might get the disease.

“Cancer made Nicole and I grow up very quickly. We got through it and now if we can help other people get through it then we’ll do everything we can.”

Every day, 88 people are diagnosed with cancer in Scotland and the number of people being diagnosed with cancer has now reached around 32,000 people every year.*

Erin of Carluke, South Lanarkshire, knows exactly how vital the power of research is. Erin was in her fourth year at Carluke High School when she first started feeling unwell, developing unexplained bruises and fainting on the way to school. She recalls vividly the moment her life was turned upside down on October 29, 2015, at the Royal Hospital for Children in Glasgow after tests revealed she had acute lymphoblastic leukaemia.

Erin endured two and a half years of treatment including eight cycles of chemotherapy in total. Her lowest point was in May 2016 when a chest infection led to pneumonia and Erin was in the intensive care ward, watched over anxiously by her parents, Yvonne McCafferty and Vincent Mooney, both 47.

Erin said: “I thought I was going to die.

Photo: Erin during treatment for cancer

“I felt so terrible. I remember even saying to my mum that if this was really it then she should just let me go. I felt so unwell then but my consultant Dr Brenda Gibson was amazing, very calm and explained what we were going to do to get me well again.”

As Erin slowly recovered there were good days too. Her twin Nicole rallied family and friends to raise more than £31,000 for the Teenage Cancer Trust. It was fixed up for the twins to meet the Britain’s Got Talent stars including Simon Cowell, Amanda Holden and comedian David Walliams and they also jetted to London to a gig where they met singer Olly Murs. But the greatest highpoint was on February 27 last year after Erin took her final chemotherapy pill and was able to ring the ‘End of Treatment bell’ at hospital. Now Erin is keen to train as a nurse to help others.

Erin said: “I was very scared in the early days when I got cancer and there were some really special, highly skilled nurses who stepped in to help me saying just the right thing at exactly the time I needed them to.

“I’d love to be that special person for someone else in the future and to give something back.”

Cancer Research UK has funded pioneering research in to understanding different types of childhood leukaemia, which has improved the way children are treated today, meaning more survive.

Organisers are appealing for Scots of all ages and abilities to stride out to help beat cancer with Scotland’s first Race for Life 5K and 10K events of the year kicking off in Stirling and South Queensferry on May 12, closely followed this spring by events across the country, everywhere from Edinburgh to Irvine, Falkirk to Fife. Scotland’s biggest Race for Life event is on Sunday May 19 at Glasgow Green.

Lisa Adams, Cancer Research UK’s spokeswoman in Scotland, said: “We’d like to thank Erin and Nicole for helping us celebrate Race for Life Glasgow’s 25th birthday this spring.

“Our Race for Life events are fun, colourful, emotional and uplifting. They help people with cancer by raising money for research, including clinical trials which give patients across Scotland access to the latest treatments. You don’t have to be sporty to take part. You don’t need to train or compete against anyone else. All you need to do is go to the Race for Life website, pick an event, sign up and then have fun raising money in whatever way you like.

“Taking part in our Race for Life events enables like-minded people to get together and remember loved ones lost to cancer or celebrate the lives of those who have survived. At the same time, they are helping to make a difference to people with cancer, right now. Our Race for Life events were women-only when they started, over 25 years ago. But we now feel the time is right to open them up so that everyone – women, men and children – has the chance to participate together.

“One in two people in the UK will be diagnosed with cancer, at some point during their lifetime. Sadly, this means nearly everyone is touched by the disease, either directly or through a loved one or friend. To make a significant difference in the fight against cancer we need to harness as much energy and commitment as possible – so what better way than involving everyone in the community in our events.

“This spring, we’re urging mums, dads, nans, grandpas, brothers, sisters, friends and workmates to show their support by joining the Race for Life. It’s a perfect example of everyday people doing an extraordinary thing – uniting in a common cause to beat cancer.”

Photo: (Left to Right)Nicole and Erin McCafferty

Cancer survival in the UK has doubled since the early 1970s and Cancer Research UK’s work has been at the heart of that progress. Thanks to the generosity of its supporters, the charity was able to spend around £38 million last year in Scotland on some of the UK’s leading scientific and clinical research. Glasgow is home to the Cancer Research UK Beatson Institute where a thriving community of cancer scientists and doctors are working to reduce the impact of this disease around the world. An exciting programme of work has been established to look for ways to tailor treatment for pancreatic cancer. Our scientists in Glasgow first manufactured the brain cancer drug, temozolomide. Thousands of people now benefit from treatment with this drug worldwide.

Cancer Research UK’s Race for Life, in partnership with Tesco, is an inspiring series of 5k, 10k, Pretty Muddy and Pretty Muddy Kids events which raise millions of pounds every year to help beat cancer by funding crucial research.

The Race for Life Glasgow 5K and 10K will be held on Sunday 19th May 2019 at Glasgow Green.

To enter Race for Life today visit raceforlife.org or call 0300 123 0770.

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Erin McCafferty with David Walliams at Britains’ Got Talent auditions

Erin in hospital during treatment for cancer

Erin in Race for Life t-shirt

(Left to right) Erin McCafferty and Nicole McCafferty with Olly Murs

(Left to right) Nicole and Erin McCafferty (Erin who has been through cancer is holding up the sign, For patients and survivors like me)

(Left to right) Nicole and Erin McCafferty with giant balloons spelling 25 pictured inside

Courageous teenager Erin who beat cancer chosen with twin to launch the 25th birthday celebrations of Race for Life in Scotland Courageous teenager Erin McCafferty who beat cancer has been chosen with her twin sister Nicole to launch the 25th birthday celebrations of Race for Life in Scotland.