#relapse is part of recovery sometimes

[angelnumber27]

420 days off fentanyl <3

[tough-n-dumb]

broke: being vocal about being sober to spread awareness and be proud of my accomplishments

woke: the more people i tell and who know i’m sober, the less likely i am to relapse because of accountability and also damn that’d be embarrassing

[sapphicsavant]

going back through my posts/tags is so wild because i saw one thing that was talking about how crazy it was to grow up suicidal and suddenly you're 18 and don't know how you got there and i tagged 'still not convinced i'll make it to 25' and 'huh what an abstract thought.'

well it's not so abstract anymore. i'm 25 and alive. i'm 25 and the good days out number the bad. i'm 25 and still struggling, but i'm 25 and okay. i can imagine a future where a soft brunette lawyer w brown eyes laughs as i outline an outlandish legal argument that the duggar children could have unionized or that sperm is a good under article 2 as between recipient parents and sperm banks (just fyi i'm fully convinced it is and writing a 40 page paper on it). i can imagine a future teaching contracts or bluebook or ucc to nervous 1Ls.

not only am i 25 and alive, i'm 25 and healing. just on the off chance this crosses the dash of a depressed 18 year old who can't imagine living until 25, i won't patronize you by preaching it gets better because some days FUCKING suck, some days i crack, some days i fall into old habits, but it gets DIFFERENT and that is enough to survive.

in the past seven years i felt love like i could have never imagined and heartbreak like i could have never imagined. i met so many people that i can't imagine having never known. i have friendships i cherish and still learn more about who i am beyond the depression and suicidal ideation every day.

for the 18 year old reading this, for 18 year old emily, 25 is okay. you can make it. you can do it.

[jameswilsonsupremacy]

uhhh basically I can’t word all the things but I ranted abt my own experience in tags. main takeaways:

- relapse ≠ there was no progress. your progress is still there and still matters

- relapse IS NOT ALWAYS a part of recovery, but often times is. that’s okay. what matters is how your actions change (ex: do you reach out for help now? use more coping skills? are you honest with you/your loved ones when maybe you weren’t before?)

- stop fucking demonizing addicts & mental illnesses

- also it’s okay if the people around you have a hard time helping through a relapse. nobody has all the answers. that’s okay. their emotions are just as valid as yours—there is a difference between demonizing someone/someone’s battles vs. being hurt by a toxic action.

- Cuddy’s initial reaction very well could have been anger/disappointment/etc while still remaining in-character. what was OUT OF CHARACTER was her continuing with that and not seeing/valuing any of House’s progress. you can’t control initial reactions—she was hurt that House was stressed to the point of relapse. but Cuddy is smart and would’ve been able to take a step back after her initial reaction and recognize/value House’s progress to this point. in canon, that is not what happened.

time 4 me to rant abt house again. tragically i think abt that old man constantly

so let's talk about the demonization of addiction in the show, specifically in season 7 + season 8. sorry if this is formatted really weirdly or doesn't make the most sense but i'm not sorry enough to change it

house is an addict. this is an incontrovertible truth. house does not stop being an addict once he gets sober, and i think the show treats that fact in a downright cruel way. this extends through a LOT of parts of the show, particularly in the ways that house and his pain management are treated, but none of them make me quite as angry as season 7.

in season 7, house relapses. he relapses because he is terrified. house is not good at coping and we all know this, and he spent many years coping with vicodin. it made his life easier to live in so many ways!! but in season 7, he's sober (and his pain is being managed in such a shitty way but WHATEVER) and he's faced with the frankly terrifying thought of his partner having cancer, and he relapses! there is literally nothing wrong with this. relapsing is normal and okay and not an issue. recovery from addiction is not a straight line! relapsing doesn't mean you have failed or that your recovery is ruined or damaged. relapsing is common and normal and something to be treated with kindness and patience and support.

when house relapses, cuddy responds with anger and breaks up with him. i do not understand a universe where cuddy is an accomplished doctor, a kind person, and the partner of an addict, and yet she reacts the way she does to his relapse. it is utterly unbelievable to me because it is so fucking incredibly out of character.

not only is this unbelievably out of character, it is so fucking cruel. for a show with a relatively okay/nuanced depiction of addiction and disability to take such a sharp turn into "once you relapse you are a failure" is so....... demoralizing and saddening. they decided house is a failure because he relapsed. they decided house should lose the people who love him because he relapsed. they decided that house should commit literal and actual attempted vehicular manslaughter as a snowball effect result of relapsing. i don't understand how the show went that direction, and frankly it makes me so fucking sad to see

[novlr]

how to write a character dealing with addiction (like drugs, cigarettes etc..)

Writing a character with an addiction is to write about someone who is controlled by that substance. They are chasing that first experience of euphoria, pain relief, excess energy, or relaxation. They are avoiding the emotional and physical crashes of withdrawal. Their behavior to outsiders often appears erratic and illogical. It is a powerful motivator for a character and can drive a plot, be an obstacle, and/or an antagonist. 

How does addiction work?

Addictive substances typically mimic naturally occurring chemicals in the body. They amplify the effects of these chemicals and flood the body. Stimulants will give a person extra, even excessive, amounts of energy, relaxants will relieve tension, and pain relievers will bring about euphoria. Whatever the substance of choice, it counters stress in some form. 

Many people self-medicate for underlying physical or mental conditions. Others take them to fit in with a social group. As a writer, you need to ask yourself a very important question: Why did your character first start taking this substance? That will inform you about why they continue. Are they escaping pain? Quieting anxiety or racing thoughts? Do they need to take it to fit into their social group? What happens when they stop taking it?  

Addiction is an illness. It is a medical condition. Treating it as a matter of willpower is to doom a person to suffer. There are effective medical and psychological therapies that, especially when combined, can provide a way back to health, sobriety, and thriving.

Cravings

The important thing to understand about these substances is that the high always goes away. The emotional payoff of that first use is never achieved again. Each subsequent use has diminished payoffs and the after-effects are worsened. This is because the body is a fantastic accountant and will produce less of the mimicked substance because, hey, there’s an excess here. So your character will crave the substance in order to just feel baseline normal. 

Withdrawal

Don’t underestimate the fear of withdrawal. It is an uncomfortable and sometimes life-threatening set of physical symptoms. 

The degree and nature of the symptoms will vary depending on the substance, the amount usually consumed, and the length of time it’s been used. Caffeine, for example, will trigger headaches. Alcohol withdrawal can include shakes, nausea, seizures, and damage to the brain’s memory and balance systems. Opiate withdrawal can cause anxiety, nausea, muscle aches, and insomnia. Read up on the specifics of the substance your character is using. Be sure to use reputable medical websites. I’ve listed a couple in the resources section. 

People want to avoid withdrawal and will use substances to ease those symptoms, thus feeding the addiction. Again, there are medical interventions that can soften the withdrawal and support the patient through this medical crisis. 

Recovery

People with addictions can sometimes respond well to treatment and have a low risk of relapse. Others are not so fortunate and will bounce in and out of recovery. 

Fear of withdrawal is one reason. Another factor is developmental. The younger a person is when they start taking a substance, the harder it is to stop. This may be due to learned coping mechanisms, changes to the developing brain and body, or a combination of the two. 

How old was your character when they started taking the substance? Who introduced them to it? Was it a parent handing them a beer at age five or a pain pill at age twelve? Was it friends at a high school party? Or did they start in adulthood? This will inform their likelihood of recovery and how hard that path will be for them. 

Struggles to quit, or why does this person keep relapsing?

Withdrawal and cravings are part of the reason it is so hard to stop an addiction. There are medical and psychological therapies that can help. Rehab is a major industry in many countries. There are also several obstacles to overcome. Cost is a factor in places without universal healthcare. Then there is denial. Many people with addictions don’t believe they have a problem. And when they do, they may feel shame if they live in a culture where addiction is seen as a matter of willpower rather than a medical condition. 

How do friends and family, employers, and others in the community treat your character? Does admitting to addiction mean they are admitting to weakness?

Another social factor is that it is hard to stop an addiction if the person doesn’t change their environment. Friends that also use that substance will enable and even encourage them to start using again. Places can be strong behavioral cues. Can an alcoholic walk into a familiar bar and resist ordering a drink? 

It’s also important to remember that substance use is often a coping mechanism for stress. What happens the next time your character encounters a stressful situation? How do they resist reaching for their addictive substance if they haven’t learned other ways of coping? Do they trust or remember in the heat of the moment that they have other options? 

Do your research

Here are a couple of my go-to sites for reading up on addictions and treatments. 

Spirit Lake Wellness is a non-profit dedicated to educating the general public about health and wellness. They have a podcast, booklets, and a YouTube channel that covers a range of topics, including addiction. All information is available for free. I am fortunate to be on their board of directors and reached out to one of the doctors we work with for this article. 

The American Society of Addiction Medicine is another excellent resource for learning more about addiction and treatment. 

written by Kimberley Long-Ewing

[niphredil-14]

"Hey Beautiful, Have You Eaten Today?" Raphael/Reader Imagines

Summary: My relationship with food has been shit lately, so I imagined Raph comforting me/helping me with it.

TW: MENTIONS OF EATING DISORDERS/DISORDERED EATING, ANOREXIA, FOOD/CALORIE RESTRICTIONS

Notes: I imagined this as 2003 Raph, but it's kinda vague

Imagine Raph finding out about your ED. Of course he's mad, you're hurting someone very dear to him, but he won't let on just how angry he is. You're his priority here, and he knows that you won't let him in to help you if he lashes out. So, he is soft and supportive throughout the conversation. He is understanding, but expresses how knowing that you aren't taking proper care of yourself is upsetting for him.

Imagine Raph, after finding out about your ED, texting and calling you periodically throughout the day, and showing up at your home at night, to ask if you've been eating. He is never patronizing with his praise when you have eaten, simply responding with something along the lines of "That's good," or "That sounds delicious," or "Nice, hope you enjoyed it." And on the days you haven't eaten well, he always knows when you're lying about it, and will, regardless of time of day. deliver you some food. He doesn't pressure you to eat all of it, knowing that the pressure will only make it harder to eat, and he will be happy so long as you eat a few bites, and will finish off the rest for you if you don't want to save it for later.

Imagine that whenever Raph eats near you, he offers you some of his meal, and will let, and encourage you to, eat as much of it as you want.

Imagine Raph, who so so so proud of the progress you make, and never shames you when you relapse. He's there for every step of your journey, ready to pick you back up again.

Imagine Raph, who will read menus and order your food on the apps, so that during your recovery, you don't have to even know how many calories are in something you want to eat.

Imagine Raph, who loves how you look after you've gained weight just as much as he loves how you look when you were skinnier. He loves how you look regardless, but he notices your heightened insecurity, and offers you work out with him so that you can get the body that you want in a healthy, safe way.

Imagine work out dates with Raph, so that you can spend more time together, as well as so that he can make sure that you don't overdo it and begin abusing your body for the sake of aesthetics.

Imagine Raph, who is so observant, and picks up on what kinds of praise and compliments you're okay with, and which make you uncomfortable, and is constantly course correcting, and readjusting his words and behaviors, because he loves you, but knows that sometimes it can be hard to hear that people love and positively acknowledge the parts of you that you don't.

Imagine Raph, who is there throughout the ups and the downs, and proud of you regardless, because you're trying, and that's all that he can ask of you: That you try to be kind to yourself, and that you let him love you.

[orange-orchard-system]

Btw it's fine to sometimes get like. Relapses in your ability to communicate with your system members. Like you might want to figure out if anything specific caused it (like stress, illness, etc.) but generally speaking this just happens sometimes and it's not the end of the world so don't work yourself up too much over it. Especially considering that building communication is part of recovery for most disordered systems; it's normal to hit roadblocks or to experience relapses in your recovery from time-to-time. Don't panic if communicating with your system has become difficult or impossible recently. Take a deep breath, return to the basics of what helped you build that communication in the first place, and don't push yourself too far trying to get it back. Maybe it's burnout. Maybe you're going through a rough patch. Maybe you just need a break. Who knows? But working yourself up over it isn't going to help, so try to take things one step at a time. This just happens sometimes, so give yourself/ves patience when it does.

[drdemonprince]

hello, (former) abuser friend anon back again, I just wanted to sort of answer the other anon’s question and thank you for your thoughtful and comforting response.

To answer: I do feel fully relaxed around this person, for better or for worse, and I do trust them to not repeat their behavior because I have had to be in conflict with this person (a huge part of being friends/expressing love, imho) and they have handled it calmly and respectfully and made me feel heard and supported, and I have seen them do that for a lot of people in their current community, and my new one. I don’t expect them to be perfect, and honestly I don’t expect them to never be tempted to reach for the toolset of abuse as you both have described it. But I expect them to react better and better every time they are confronted with something they find triggering, and also to handle the conflict that comes from reaching from those toolsets with the love and care I expect from my friends. I hope that’s the right thing to do and not enabling, but as you noted Dr Price said I’ve never forced their victims to share space with them, and I don’t feel very protective of this person in the sense that I think the other anon is talking about). But it’s all very complicated and if my feelings change in the future I think that’s okay too, and if they revert back to their prior self they know that they’ll lose my relationship to them. But truly from the bottom of my heart thank you both, I feel like I have gained some ease in my reflection of this relationship <3

awww thank you so much for messaging Anon. That upward, cyclical process of working through conflicts and learning new and better strategies is what recovery looks like, I think. And truth be told, as someone who has done plenty of things I regret, I've learned a lot from engaging in productive, healing conflict with people who have done their share of bad things, too. If anything, I feel more accepted when i'm around people who can own their shit and show the capacity to change than when i'm around people who either demand perfection or seem entirely stuck. In my life I've only known a small handful of completely unrepentant abusive people -- and those are the types I never want to be around. The majority, instead, have been simply really traumatized and neglected folks who reached for what limited tools they had for a very long time, and were downright relieved to find something better to do. They've wanted to keep learning new ways of dealing with things. I hope you and your friend continue to have a good time learning from one another, and it's heartening to hear that you're in a pretty secure-sounding place, should that ever change. Sometimes people take big steps backward when they're ill, relapsing, injured, experiencing loss, and so on -- and you always have the right to take your distance if that's how it goes. But there's always a possibility of us learning to work through the roughness better, and together.

[system-of-a-feather]

is there anything you wish youd known about DID-specific therapy before you started? sorry if thats weird or vague, i just finally have a therapist that treats DID and im both nervous and relieved about it, so i guess im just wondering if you have advice as someone who has made so much progress with your own DID

God yeah there is a lot honestly. Like there are a lot of general rules of thumb that I've seen get mentioned here that I can say are usually really good things I found to be mostly true in my experience like

Persecutors are frequently demonized and they can be INCREDIBLY hard to work with, but they are incredibly important, often are parts that are capable of having the most growth and tend to add the most to the system once you figure out a good way to communicate and work with them; that said, don't push anything you aren't capable of handling, if they are being too much, safety first; just remember that they're probably some of the best allies you can have should you make things work with them; there is little stronger bonds - both between parts and as a whole - formed when you can befriend and trust someone / the part of you that you've always hated / avoided. Loving persecutors is self love and self love is important for healing

While keeping track of your parts can be helpful, try not to obsess and fixate on trying to find all the parts and figure out when and where everyone came from. It can become overwhelming (especially if you have a lot of parts), you might find parts and things you aren't ready to deal with if you try to look too hard, and it can take away from the important processing, bonding, communication, and present issues you might be facing as a whole

Its okay to relapse on maladaptive behaviors, especially if it keeps you safe and/or from relapsing or starting potentially more risky / dangerous / harmful maladaptive behaviors. Two steps forward, one step back, it's still progress so try not to be hard on yourself. Struggling and fumbling is part of recovery, you aren't bad, or wrong, or uniquely "broken" or anything for struggling through recovery. Recovery is just fucking hard and engaging with it at all is a really amazing and powerful thing.

Integration =/= Fusion. Integration is just improving and increasing the communication, connectivity, and fluidity of information and coordination of parts. Integration is inherent in any form of DID treatment.

On top of that, I think some of the ones I don't see talked about as much would be...

Splitting, while often assumed to be a negative thing and a result of trauma (true and sometimes!), can be very healing when you look at it from a larger lens. This isn't to say that you should want to split or seek to make new alters as a coping mechanism, because I'd probably say in most situations that is probably not healthy. This is more so saying that if your brain wants to / needs to / does split, its okay to just let it happen. Trying to actively prevent splits can cause a lot of emotional / trauma overwhelm and risk crisis states and honestly, sometimes its easier to deal with two (or more) contained and stable parts than it is to deal with one complex and unstable part. Likewise, sometimes it is easier to be two (or more) contained stable parts than it is to exist as one complex and unstable part. Splitting sometimes - and often is - a mechanism to maintain stability and keep life for all parts within a relative "window of tolerance" that you can function in. Splitting isn't a moral failure or a recovery failure or anything special. Splitting is just part of the journey of recovery and a lot of people split after they start recovery cause it can be a pretty hard thing to go through. You aren't alone if this happens and it is just part of the process and journey.

Similar to that and something that we've been talking on this blog a lot and trying to spread...

Fusion does not have to be a final thing. Fusion does not have to be a huge and notable event. Fusion can last anywhere from a few minutes, to a few hours, to a few months, to forever depending on what works for you. If a fusion isn't working for you or isn't sticking, your brain will likely re-split and if it doesn't, you can always actively try to undo it and we've done it multiple times pretty successfully. Fusion ALSO isn't anything special, it's something that just happens. Fusion and splitting are two sides of the same coin and really aren't anything as permanent or anything that carries any inherent value to it beyond what it means to you as an individual / whole.

And probably one of the things that I was the most astonished by

You don't actually have to process all your trauma to be at a place with your DID where you are considered to be "in remission" or to even reach functional multiplicity / final fusion. A lot of the meat of DID-focused therapy and recovery and improvement to life is not as much in the trauma processing as much as it is in the stabilization period; that is just to say, the main meat of growth, recovery, and improvement is found by working with your parts to establish an internal support system, internal trust with one another, and deeply getting to know each of the parts. Of course, trauma processing will happen along the way, but you can get EXTREMELY far with recovery simplly by focusing on the stability of the system, how you each support and communicate and coordinate with one another, and dealing with the trauma topics that come up in the immediate present. A good way to think about it is that the stabilization period is essentially creating a strong foundation and a strong base so that you feel secure and confident navigating basic day to day life with a lot of internal love and support and the trust that you and your parts can support eachother through a SHIT ton of stuff. If you can develop an internal relationship with your parts and your system that is very strong and built on trust and care, then dealing with trauma and adversities become WAY easier. Thus it can be a lot easier to postpone any heavy trauma processing that is not actively relevant and actively necessary to help improve internal relationships until AFTER you have a stronger and more secure realtionship with your parts. Thus I would suggest focusing on the present issues, the things parts are feeling and experiencing in the moment, and addressing those rather than trying to uncover every secret and trauma that you may or may not remember. If the trauma is something you are ready to deal with and it's relevant, your brain will bring it up when the time is right. Trust your brain thats protected you thus far and kept you alive thus far to let you know things when you are ready to know it, but also don't be afraid to ask parts for help if it does share more than you are ready. That's just to say - Don't Dig for information you don't want to know, but if something comes up that you don't feel equipt to deal with, its completely okay to seek internal or external help to try leave it behind. Again, especially early on, the focus should be on stabilization rather than trauma processing.

And just a little small one about online spaces and what not, but try not to worry too much abotu whether your experiences with the disorder align with others, or if you look "fake" or what not. A lot of recovery will look like things people who don't know better would think is "impossible with DID" and online spaces tend to be a place where a false image of what things "should" look like is kind of developed. Whatever you experience is what you experience and is inherently a real and true experience. Don't try to force yourself to fit into the expectation and boxes of others as it will often slow down your progress.

[cultofdixon]

Daryl Dixon Masterlist 1.0

Daryl Dixon Masterlist 2.0 [You are here]

I’m never gonna hate you

Some days, I don’t know what the hell to think

Let me help, sunshine

You will always have a piece of my heart

That growling wasn’t a walker

Falling for you…wasn’t meant to hurt

Matchmaker Grimes

Just Breathe Love, I’ve Gotcha

Everything’s going to be okay. It has to

Huddling for warmth

Lost in your own mind

Life or Death, Dixon

It is no one’s fault for unexpected tragedies.

The sky is falling

Stress is a silent killer

Only you understand

Motherly Instincts

People change, it takes time to prove that

I’ll remind you everyday if I have to

Oddly Fascinating

Small but mighty

Please don’t take my sunshine away

“I love you” told in a silent way

The pain won’t last forever

A long road to recovery

Secrets kept for another’s safety, until you lose it

Life can try and take you away. But I won’t let it

A little pain with your pleasure

Within Your Warmth

Bring me back to your embrace

Double Trouble

Plagued by the horrors of the past

Haunted by what is forever told on our skin

Relapsing back to old habits

Hidden Behind Fangs

You just know sometimes

You want to know what I was before all this? I was nobody. Nothing.

You do what you can | Strong, Healthy, that’s all that matters

Day One to the Rest of our Lives: Part 1 |

Nothing can take the place of someone you love being gone. But that doesn’t mean that everything that follows is gonna break your heart.

[desertfangs]

Teetering on the Brink [AO3]

Marius/Daniel - Mature, Hurt/Comfort - 3,740 words

When Daniel has a mild relapse of his condition (caused by his own recklessness), it puts him in a danger and Marius has to come to the rescue.

This was written for @maridaniweek for the prompt "Trying Your Patience."

I really love that line in PL, and it's clear that Marius and Daniel have had a rough road with Daniel's madness and recovery. I spent a lot of time trying to think what would push Daniel to a bad place again and I do think it would take a lot of carelessness on his part, something I think by PL he's (hopefully) learned not to do. This is probably shortly after he's really started to recover and still maybe on the edge.

I also really got obsessed with the Santa Teresa Coven House once I realized it's actually in the city of Rio. The way Marius warns Daniel not to go there in PL makes me think maybe he does occasionally spend time there.

Short Excerpt:

Daniel could feel the hunger gnawing at his insides as he shuffled the cards in his hands. He could see the veins pulsing with fragrant blood under the skin of the other immortals at the table. His veins tightened with need and his heart gave a short skip. He hadn’t fed yet tonight and he’d only had a few little drinks the night before, so this was risky, but he’d been eager to get here.

The Santa Teresa Coven House was his new favorite place. It was warm and inviting, with a stone fireplace in the center of the big parlor, open on two sides, warming the room. The wood-paneled walls felt homey and the decor was basic, understated. 

It felt a hell of a lot like Night Island, with all of the immortals gathering together in the dimly lit rooms to swap stories and bask in the company of those like them. Daniel had been coming here every night for weeks, since Marius first brought him and said it would be good for him to spend time with others of their kind. 

Marius captivated the younger ones, naturally. He was beautiful, a living statue with marble skin, golden hair, and intense blue eyes. He was the oldest vampire in the area by far and had assured that none of those in the Coven House would dare threaten him or Daniel.

Marius enjoyed coming here occasionally, but to Daniel, the place was revelatory. He’d forgotten how good it felt to be around others, even this group which was largely made up of younger immortals turned since Akasha’s decimation of their kind. Sure, sometimes it got overwhelming trying to keep his thoughts cloaked, and the sheer number of others with bright presences could feel oppressive, but Daniel enjoyed talking to them and being surrounded by his immortal brothers and sisters.

Even now, when he needed to go hunt, despite knowing he was pushing his own limits, he couldn’t bring himself to leave. 

Read the Rest on AO3

[huntinglove]

I think it's really interesting how there's always something that relates to mental illness or addiction in each of the episodes for Fionna & Cake, portrayed through Simon, of course

Fionna Campbell: The feeling of bleakness that comes with routine.

This usually happens when someone begins their journey with therapy and medication, when your brain is slowly producing more energy but you don't feel happy with your current state

Simon Petrikov: The desperate urge to distance yourself from the decisions you've made during your lowest points

It can remind them of an incredibly hard time but for others it might have been the most fun they've had around a mentally ill person before, especially if their self destructive habits are "entertaining", such as substance abuse, hypersexuality or expressing one's self through art

Having others comment on how they "miss the old you" while going through therapy or rehab can be very disheartening and make it easier for someone to isolate from their loved ones

Cake The Cat: Getting exposed to a new situation while trying to settle into an accommodating routine.

It can be confusing, scary and worrisome but sometimes getting out of your comfort zone might be exactly what you need to fall in love with some aspects of your life that you've distanced yourself from

Prismo The Wishmaster: Processing trauma, specifically when it's brought up unexpectedly

Revisiting negative memories can make you feel like things are pointless and a never ending cycle of bad experiences, which in turn diminishes your will to get better and cope

It helps to have someone beside you to give you a dose of reality and to remind you that if you don't move forward you'll end up hurting the people that care about you AND yourself

Destiny: Feeling out of place when sharing experiences, even if the person you're in touch with has struggled with similar things

This happens a lot when someone relapses, because the safe space they had before, with people who've also dealt with mental illness or addiction, see it as a failure and forget that they also struggled at the start of their recovery

The Winter King: Internal reflection, looking into yourself and wondering "what if?"

The question usually comes from a place of guilt or feeling of insecurity. It usually comes to the thought of what things could have been, what you could have been, if those traumatic experiences had never happened

It's easy to shift the blame onto yourself for things that were never actually your fault, as a way to avoid the reality that abusers don't usually "get what's coming to them", which can also amplify self hatred and impulsive decisions

The Star: Coming to terms with the fact that your existence and actions have an influence on others around you, that your absence will impact their lives negatively

Mental illness makes it very easy to slip into the mindset that nothing matters and that things wouldn't be different if you weren't around, but noticing how your absence affects the people you care about can show you that your actions impact people's lives, usually for the better

Jerry: Opening up to someone who's willing to listen, sharing vulnerable parts of your life that makes someone understand you better

Talking about the happy parts of your past, before mental illness or addiction, can make you fall in love with life all over again

[kylejsugarman]

hey I lurk for your Breaking Bad content. please give me all of your Jesse in Alaska/recovery headcanons. I need it like I need air.

jesse in alaska.......where do i even begin 😔 im going to avoid lingering too much on my alaska oc's and that little world (tldr for newcomers: jesse gets to haines, starts working at a repair/custom shop called carvings owned by sheila, and befriends and falls in love with the local vet demi who is raising her niece baby) just because there are Plenty of those posts and i want to focus more on jesse himself

this is one ive talked about before, but its just so precious to me, and thats jesse getting into cooking. at first, him learning how to do it is out of pure necessity. the canned food that ed left him only lasts for a few weeks and the prepackaged stuff at the store is all queasily redolent of the "treats" (<- meager sustenance) that were dropped into his cage, so he picks up a box of dry pasta and looks at the recipe for chicken penne printed on the box. it has all the steps, the ingredients. he was always good at following a recipe. jesse dutifully buys the stuff and what begins as him robotically following the text later on in his small, dim kitchen starts to feel. Good. there's no harsh fumes or chemical burns. he doesnt have to measure the garlic down to a hundredth of a gram. he has a recipe to follow—something to guide him—but nothing awful is going to happen if he experiments a little. if he deviates. and he isn't making poison. he's making something Good. for so, so long, jesse only Destroyed and when he did create, it was poison. now he gets to do what he wants. he gets to make good. that chicken penne is the first thing he eats in weeks that actually has flavor—or maybe he's letting himself Taste again. jesse starts cooking more and more, using those supermarket recipes and eventually recipes that he prints off from the public library computers, and even once it becomes a part of his daily routine, he never loses that weird excitement for it. there's the satisfaction of successfully executing a task even with his memory issues and adhd, but also the excitement of realizing over and over that he can do what he wants.

jesse thinks he's "done" with drugs when he gets to alaska purely because he hasn't been able to use and doesnt have immediate access to anything stronger than alcohol or tobacco, but he quickly realizes that he does not have any other kind of coping mechanism ready to deploy or way to sufficiently distract himself once he's physically and mentally well enough to Be Aware. alcohol doesnt seem to "work" fast enough. he thinks over and over about hiring a sex worker or finding a bar somewhere so he can have sex with and fall asleep next to a warm, living body. he drives for hours and sometimes hits the brakes hard on the icy road when theres no one else out there, letting himself skid uncontrollably and hoping he crashes. he wants to start a fight with a stranger. he wants to hug a stranger. and he does end up using drugs again, several times. i mean he's a severely traumatized addict arriving in a new location with zero support. it's not a failure, it's not irreversible backsliding: it's just the reality of what being in this terrifying, vulnerable situation would be like for jesse. for a long time, he sees these relapses as signs of weakness and that Certain People were right about him being a pathetic junkie with no will or value, but as he starts meeting people and finding new ways to be happy and getting the right treatment for his various issues and sometimes even sitting in NA church basement meetings because he just needs to be Understood, jesse comes around to the idea that addiction is not a moral failing and sees his life as worthy enough to safely and healthily preserve.

lightning round!! jesse decides once he arrives to grow his hair and facial hair out some to look less like his old mugshot, but also because as soon as the cold winter air touches his shaved head, he basically reverts to spongebob and patrick duct-taping fur off of sandy to survive in her dome during winter. he stops to stare in awe at eagles and whales and moose even after years and years of living in alaska. his sense of smell is nearly totally destroyed from cooking without protection, but he still always buys lemon scented soap and cleaning stuff because lemon was his aunt ginny's favorite scent. he reads up on a lot of first-aid on the public library computers, sometimes out of a sense of frantic compulsion or guilt, sometimes out of legitimate curiosity. when he drives home from doctors appointments or NA meetings, he plays the music in his car so loud that his seat shakes. the people of haines know that mr driscoll can be a little cagey and will flinch at the sound of his own laugh, but they also know that he brakes for animals and carves beautiful gadrooning and buys ten of whatever the kids are selling to raise money for the band or their scout troop. and they like him quite a bit :)

[jiraisupportgroup]

is it weird that I'm a jirai and I'm recovering?

No, it’s not weird at all, I’m also in recovery myself ₊‧°𐐪♡𐑂°‧₊

(I could have ended it there but in true Mara fashion I continued to yap so:)

It kind of breaks my heart to see this question to be honest, but I see where you’re coming from. (And please forgive me if my wording here isn’t great I don’t want to come off like I’m speaking down to / about anyone or anything like that - I also don’t consider myself a spokesperson for the community).

The Jirai Kei community is for people from all stages: from not ready or not wanting to recover all the way to those who have been in recovery (or recovered) for years. It’s a space for people to talk about their emotions and struggles without the fear of being judged.

I know there are a lot of posts about intense emotions or not wanting to recover or wanting to relapse (I’ve made similar posts on my personal/main blog to be honest) but that doesn’t mean the community is anti-recovery, ya know? Sometimes you just gotta vent & get it out like “I want to engage in this destructive coping mechanism!!!” because that’s how you feel; it’s your reality. A big part of the community is about letting people talk about these things bc there aren’t a ton of spaces where you can talk about things like that.

No one is going to be mad at you or say you “aren’t a real jirai” for recovering (or at least they shouldn’t). It’s a wide range and clearly you relate to the community / it’s message. You’re no less valid because you are in recovery, just like those who aren’t in recovery are no less valid for that.

Anyway, all that being said I wish you the absolute best & I know we’re probably recovering from different stuff but I feel you it’s rough out here sometimes. I’m really proud of you ♡

[hazshit-hotel-hater]

The way substance abuse has been handled on the show thus far genuinely upsets me and reeks of writers who either 1.) don't understand the subject matter they're presenting and haven't done even the bare minimum to research it or, worse, 2.) simply don't care.

Apologies for the slight rant incoming, your comment about how it has been mostly "handled" off-screen got me going because that's 100% true and in that truth is such a missed opportunity for the show. The way it has been handled winds up feeling incredibly shallow and juvenile at the end of the day, especially for a piece of media that is attempting to present itself as "adult" and navigate multiple incredibly sensitive topics. I'll try not to get into my own personal experiences and will speak broadly, but the show uses substance abuse more as a cheap character flaw to poke fun at or something to magically handwave away when it is inconvenient, rather than the life-altering, debilitating illness that it is.

Nothing about Angel's use is ever meaningfully explored. It's so (apparently) unimportant to his arc and development that one rude comment from Husk (a character who ALSO has a problem with gambling and alcohol that is never addressed) is all it takes for him to suddenly "resist temptation" and be shown as "recovered" (unless I'm misremembering). Or was he suddenly going to counseling off-screen too and its just another thing that will be told to us rather than shown? And how does Charlie even handle that at the Hotel (I'd be really interested in this as a moment for her character to have to grow/change too)? Does she even understand substance abuse and the many unaddressed systemic factors that can influence it? Or is the entire recovery process just shame based (because that works so well /s) combined with some more corny trust exercises? Why is this incredibly serious topic relegated to the background as if it's unimportant?

Recovery is hard. It is emotional and exhausting. Withdrawal (depending on what you're coming off of) can sometimes mean excruciating, unimaginable pain and in some cases people literally die. It is not a funny "ha-ha I take drugs because I'm chaotic and wild" quirk to be adored or glorified and it definitely should not be presented as something that can be wrapped up in a month or two off-screen without any development whatsoever. That's just insulting.

When you approach a topic like substance abuse and recovery, I personally feel you need to take in all sides of it. All the missteps that come with it (two steps forward one step back - mistakes are expected and okay), the self-loathing, the guilt and shame, the joy, the sense of freedom, the loss, and the best part of all: the incredibly difficult but liberating journey that is rebuilding your life and learning to love yourself and your body again, once you've chosen to be free and to live life.

Mad props to anyone who has ever battled this disease. You are strong, you are worth it and you are valued. Lol I am so sorry for going off here but I so appreciate you calling out the lack of exploration on this topic in the show. I guess I didn't even realize how annoyed and upset it was making me feel (praying this is coherent...).

This was absolutely coherent don’t worry!! Im really glad to see other people talking about this. I myself have not struggled with drug addiction but I have struggled with other kinds and as someone that studies a bunch of medical junk, I’d say I’m decently knowledgeable.

I’m mainly going to focus on Angel for this since he’s the main character I write for, but I assure you other characters addictions are also handled in my rewrite.

During the actual canon show, we don’t see Angel actually abusing substances that often; there’s a few times, most notably in episode 4, but from the rest of the show onward we hardly see anything. Yes in episode 6 they mentioned relapsing, which, mind you, was done horribly, but I digress. They touch on relapsing; Angel relapses, and then… what..??? What happened from that? I don’t feel upset or second hand guilt of any kind from this scene because we haven’t seen Angel’s attempts to stay sobre and off drugs.

His name is fucking Angel Dust. You don’t, I dunno, think that’d entail a higher dependency on drugs? Why do you think he named himself that?

About his name before anything else, the show has so much potential later on to talk about Angel picking out his drag name and why he chose that specifically. So much potential to explore how he views drugs and himself. He sees them as an escape and something “fun” to take his mind off of his actual life. When you die in a fucking coma and wake up in hell as a spider you’re going to want an escape. You will want to ignore reality. I am fully convinced Angel picked his name once he started performing because thats what he needed at the time. He needs to be like that to survive in hell. Angel is an incredibly mentally ill, troubled, traumatised, and unstable person, and being surrounded by so much intense negative influence only amplifies his current problems. I don’t mean to drag Vox in here but in my last redesign post I mentioned how very mildly bad people can become even worse people in hell because of the environment and this is no different for Angel. He’s been surrounded by crime and drugs his entire life and unable to live comfortably because of his sexuality. He has very likely been struggling with substances since he was a teen. Possibly even younger. He is not going to suddenly get over his addiction because of something like this. It could pave the way to him looking into dealing with it, but things like this can take years. I don’t remember when my addiction started; I’ve been clean for 2 1/2 years now I think, but the amount of relapsing and anguish I experienced while working towards that isn’t something that can be done in a few days or months. I still struggle with feeling like I deserve to say I’m recovering.

I’m hoping they tactfully handle this as they should, but my hopes are low. It’s okay to show a character relapsing. It’s okay to show a character feeling guilty. What matters is that the struggle is there to signify they’re trying. For a character with a song called “Addict” you really don’t see much of it. Drug and alcohol addiction is not a silly thing to just twiddle your fingers with and be like “well I guess thats over!” It’s incredibly insensitive to do so.

Whenever I write about Angel’s struggles with addictions, I focus on how small they can feel until you realise what’s actually happening. Just me talking about my rewrite again, but to get my ideas out here: Angel smokes often. He smokes at the studio when he’s stressed, he smokes at the hotel when he’s stressed, he smokes at in alleyways when he’s bored, there’s almost no location he won’t, but sometimes he tries to smoke less. His lungs aren’t the same as humans and technically he has 2 pairs of lungs, but smoking causes him to cough. This is painful in general and especially painful for Angel since he has barbs going down the back of his throat. Imagine choking on sandpaper, kind of like that. It’s painful, he doesn’t like the sound, Fat Nuggets REALLY doesn’t like the sound, and it’s an overall inconvenience, so he tries to stop smoking as much. Periods like this usually go fine for him until the stress returns or he starts to feel the withdrawal. Withdrawal from any sort of addiction is terrible, and in Angel’s case, just from not smoking it worsens his mental state further. He becomes irritable and stressed and that stress leads to wanting to smoke again to calm down. He may resist a few times and those times should be praised, but he gives in eventually. One cigarette to calm down becomes two, then three, and before he can process himself getting carried away, the entire pack is gone. It’s things like this that make addiction horrible. It’s something that deeply scared me when I was struggling. When I was struggling I was still in the mindset of “I can stop when I want to” and then being so suddenly hit in the face with the realisation that I’m not longer in control of this is terrifying. I could not stop when I wanted to. There were even points where I didn’t want to stop. Even just getting the smallest glimpse of this in an incredibly serious manner with Angel Dust would surprise me. To think the bar is this low on a show that seemingly prides itself on tackling such sensitive topics like you said is appalling. Your show shouldn’t have to be told how to write itself.

[brains5ana]

zombie blog turn around!!

this is my personal blog about my anorex14 and depression this is both my safe space where i can cope with my life right now and my way of documenting this disorder in case i dont survive it so that my loved ones or anyone who wants them might get some answers.

₊˚⊹ 𐂯please dont interact if you are not already disordered or are in recovery. block dont report this is really all i have .₊˚⊹ 𐂯

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

me ୧ ‧₊˚ 🥩🦴 ⋅

17 they/them bi and taken veryyy happily dni creeps

life rn - mom died in august now im taking care of my 15 yo autistic sibling and household because my dad is abusive and doesnt really parent. my grandparents help take care of them sometimes but they dont live with us and are televangelists who try to convert us(my sibling is pagan). my sibling is awesome but its a lot to take care of them while grieving so much and i worry about them a ton.

bg - grew up in poverty w pretty bad parents (i love my mom a lot but she was young and fucked me up a little bit as a young kid mostly she was good but our relationship was kind of complicated for while). got bullied really bad from elementary school till quarantine when i was in middle school. my dads a redneck and my mom was a hippie now my dads like a frat bro?? and hes insane.

alternative (riot grrl goth punk etc) i like music(esp live punk shows), painting, writing, horror movies, ZOMBIES

political activist mostly w the environment but also general big leftist

white, able bodied (maybe) hindu vaishnavite

im very mentally ill and have had suicidal thoughts and depression my whole life. diagnosed cptsd, ptsd, chronic depression, generalized anxiety disorder, ana suspected adhd

my ed - got bullied for my weight and started trying to lose weight in 5th grade. i went to a nutritionist in 6th grade who told me to count calories so i did and then i went lower and lower and lower seeing how little i could consume in a day(i also started having an exercise addiction then). in 7th grade i started doing intermittent fasting and restricting below what you need to live in retrospect. then quarantine happened and i started looking at ana tips. id sleep all day until 4 pm to avoid food and workout at night. i got to my lw and was plateauing and worrying about dying so i told my very shitty therapist at the time who told me i wasnt low enough to have an ed but still told my mom who got me an appointment w an ed doctor. and there started my forced recovery bc the ed doctor told me i definitely did have ana and wouldnt have survived another month or two. after resisting for a long time and trying to secretly relapse i gave in. and it worked, i fully recovered. i didnt get thoughts i was happy and didnt have to lose weight anymore. and then people started treating me badly and a girl who was in my friend group started making fun of me for being fat and i realized i cant deal with that and everything else. so im 40 lbs down and trying to loose more.

꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦꒷꒦︶꒷꒦︶ ๋ ࣭ ⭑꒷꒦

this blog ୧ ‧₊˚ 🥩🦴 ⋅

BYF - this is an ed bl0g w triggering content do whats best for you i cant facilitate everyones recovery but it is possible and waiting for everyone

DNI - 14 y/o and younger, those interested in recovery (you can so do it i believe in you), creeps, p3d0s, p0rn accounts, fatphobes (fuck off and die), terfs, transphobes, etc

this is a number free blog for the most part and if not ill tag #tw ed numbers or #tw ana numbers

on here ill post wieiads, b0dy checks, collages, diet plans for myself, themed moodboards, a lot of zombie content.

i use the tag #brains4ana or #brains4ana4vent for vent posts (if im coherent enough to care)

other ongoing tws - meat, cannibalism(all the zombie stuff) alcohol addiction, nicotine addiction, mentions of sh, ed (duh)