#refuse to share reasoning for things if it's related to my period

[junedenim]

2007

beneath the boardwalk, part 5 (series masterlist)

my mistakes were made for you

warnings: angst, fluff, smut, robert, etc.

word count: 12.3k

I had my hair cut just above my shoulders but it was not a bob, I am adamant about this. I got a light fringe that I never wore full-frontal on my forehead. I was inclined to pull the two sections apart like a curtain or, regrettably, have them as side bangs.

After New Year's, I returned to London and left many things behind in Wakefield, most notably my journals. I was starting fresh and wanted to claim independence. Stacey gifted me a stack of Moleskine notebooks for Christmas that I wrote in and I began babysitting two girls (5 & 7) who lived in the building with their single mother, Lee, who was 6 years older than me. Georgia and I refused to turn on the heat because we weren't overflowing with cash, especially after my father and I agreed I would start paying rent after the three-month grace period he gave me. 

The other reason was we felt more like struggling artists, piled under blankets, wearing two pairs of socks, and heating meals in the microwave because they had grown too cold too quickly. Georgia would write poetry in her room then meet me in the living room and recite it. I was without an editor since Alex and I's parting. So, I began to share my writing with Georgia.  After we traded pieces, we would crack the window open and smoke cigarettes out of it. 

I was aware I was using Georgia to refill the Alex-shaped hole in my life. What Georgia and I were doing was what I dreamt for Alex and me. I had overwhelming happiness for Alex but I felt disappointed (and certainly jealous) that we didn't experience the struggling artist phase together. But Georgia was what I needed: a friend.

Madeline Critchley, who helped me submit to Granta, got me a position with the University of Greenwich's literary magazine, Anthology. It felt dumb to start at the magazine a few months before I was finished with school but she told me it didn't matter how much time I put into it but what I got out of it. It was cheesy but it ended up being true. I wrote endlessly, trapped inside that building. I was overcome by some being and she never let me stop.

*

I was invited to a secret gig at The Leadmill in February. Arctic Monkeys's tour director emailed the invitation. I thought about going but used the excuse of babysitting and RSVPed no. Georgia, her new girlfriend, Kyle, Dianna, Robert, and I went and saw Amy Winehouse instead. Obviously, I don't regret the decision.

Not speaking of Alex seemed an unspoken rule but I couldn't help but think of him when Amy came on stage. Not because I related her songs to Alex and our relationship but because the bastard got to meet her and didn't fucking introduce me to her!

Robert's place was a close distance from Astoria so we all, except Dianna, went back and crashed at his place instead of taking a 40-minute ride home on the underground late at night. Georgia and Kyle would sleep on the pull-out and Robert would share his bed with me.

Before we went to sleep, Robert and I smoked a joint in his room. It didn't do much for me, only making me tired-eyed. Robert was in a constant state of haziness. He wore leather pants and a turtleneck. His hair was overgrown and every movement he made bounced his curls. 

"Heard about you and Alex." It was the first time we had seen each other this semester. I had only told Georgia, she informed everyone else for me.

"Yep."

"Sorry 'bout that."

I shrugged. It wasn't something I wanted to talk about.

"Sucks we can't get free concert tickets now."

I huffed a laugh. "I didn't think you were much of a fan anyway."

"Well, you know, it's a good place to pick up girls." He eyed me. It was obvious.

"I didn't pay attention to that kind of thing."

"Oh, come on, like you weren't watching every girl there who could steal your man."

I shrugged again. I was never threatened by that idea or maybe I was just uncaring towards it.

"Your ambivalence is a man's greatest dream."

"He never did anything for me to not trust him."

"What about me?"

"Oh," I exaggeratedly rolled my eyes. "I'd never trust you."

We shared a laugh and the joint had reached its butt. He put it down. "So, shall we just get to fucking?"

I pushed off the wall and walked over to what had been deemed my side of the bed. "God, Robert."

"Come on. It's been a long time coming. We're here. We're single. It's our last year. We're never gonna be here again."

"You just want to get yours wet."

"So, you're wet? And hell yeah."

"Shut up."

"Let me kiss you."

"I'm going to bed."

"Fine. Me too."

We laid side-by-side for a minute before I kissed him and then we fucked. I don't remember much. I wasn't that drunk or high. It just wasn't very memorable.

*

Robert and I had a transactional relationship. Before we began hooking up this was the case and now that we were spending our nights together, we shared awful things with one another, none of which were words. Drugs seemed to be the biggest thing. A joint after sex was expected and by March, Robert and I were snorting coke with one another. It was quite enjoyable. For the time.

We ended up in Regent's Park one night. We sprawled across the vast grass. He called people—they weren't friends—on his Motorola Razr and switched between rambling with them and rambling at me. I brought my notebook and thought about writing but he was too loud.

I searched through my bag for something I never found and remembered when I came with Alex. I hated the infection of him but something about that night and picturing him on a bench next to me made me smile. 

I thought of guards changing. My first trip down to London when I was 10 and how Stacey and I stood, faces squeezing through the gates of Buckingham Palace to watch the New Guard replace the Old Guard. I couldn't understand how anyone would want to stand outside on sentry duty for hours. The relief when the New Guard showed up must have been such an enormous relief as their bladders ached and their shoulders begged for mercy. I wondered about the relief Alex felt as the New Guard replaced him. Or did he wish to continue to stand still by the palace's side? But the Old Guard becomes the New Guard eventually. They all just go spinning around. 

I wrote about the places we attribute to people. The corners of the world that just belong to them. (Alex, unbeknownst to me, had already done the same [505]). I left Alex's fingerprint out of the piece but it had him all smeared over it. I wrote about the Guard and Stacey's little head nearly trapped in between the metal bars. It was my favourite piece I wrote for Anthology. 

I sent it to Alex. He responded:

Buckingham Palace still has guards???? Are people still trying to actively kill the Queen?

I responded:

Diana's ghost.

Alex never sent me any of his work. I dreamt of a book one day appearing on my car roof. But my car stayed in Wakefield and Alex stayed nowhere. It was a rotten daydream.

*

In April, days before Favourite Worst Nightmare was released, the band played the Astoria for two nights. I hadn't heard any material yet, besides the recently released single "Brianstorm" and its b-sides, I had heard none of the album. It was unsettling not to know the songs. To not have the entire setlist memorized, front to back. 

My goal was always to be friends with Alex and going to the concert felt like solidifying this notion. Georgia found my need to befriend Alex so quickly after we had ended bizarre and unnecessary. But it had been months and I was ready to rip the Band-Aid. Georgia came with me. Robert insisted too. 

It did end up being bizarre. I was unacquainted with going to an Arctic Monkeys concert and not talking to Alex beforehand. When they came on stage, their appearances were much like when I saw them last. Alex hadn't changed one bit, but his demeanor had. He was stiffer, not in a good or bad way, just an indistinguishable way.

New additions met my ears well with the bass of "Balaclava" ringing through me for days to come. I shifted around "Do Me A Favour" as details became obvious that the subject matter was concerning us and our teary eyes. It made me fidget but I loved it so I couldn't quite complain about the feeling of irk I got. My opinion changed when it was followed by "Mardy Bum" where I knew all of this was a conscious choice. It was an attack on my heart whose walls were still susceptible to incursion.

I found myself relating to songs that weren't written for me like I was the average listener. "Leave Before the Lights Come On" had a different meaning standing next to Robert. I felt ashamed for that and that made me enraged by Alex because without moving a muscle I felt like he was dictating my life through my hippocampus only. 

After the show, we waited outside for the band. Georgia also found this insane. Robert said it was tragic but in a poetic way. I said they could go but both refused. 

Jamie came out first with Katie who wrapped her arms around me which could be deemed as a threat to my life if it wasn't so loving. She did the same to Georgia and I laughed at the way Georgia flailed her arms around.

The rest of the band followed with Alex's eyes wide and looking between the floor and me, unable to process the sight in a simple glance. "Alright! We're heading back to Robert's place!" Matt shouted. His eyes on Alex became clear he was teasing him. 

Regardless, I chuckled and hugged Matt. "No. I was hoping to join wherever you were going if you don't mind the intrusion."

"Never," Nick said, giving me a hug. Nick and I didn't know much about each other other than what Alex told each of us. I liked him because he had always greeted me with a wide smile, welcoming to all. He often seemed like he was just happy to be along for the ride wherever that ride took him. I like that quality very much.

As we walked out further into the street, the paparazzi snapped away, more at the band than the 3 dimwits following them, nevertheless, Robert began a potent rant against the invasion of paparazzi and how it was Big Brother and flexing that he had read 1984 as if it wasn't required reading for everyone in high school. He continued this the whole ride until we arrived at the pub.

It was premier service for a place that felt so unchic but I knew nothing about how the status of celebrity worked. Alex and I didn't go out enough for me to witness it. I had no qualms about using the complimentary service for my drinks. 

In the booth, Robert sat with his arm around me. Our displays were often limited to his flat but when he stood to go use the restroom and kissed my cheek I knew what he was doing. I had to laugh, it was impossibly amusing.  

I left for a cigarette. Alex followed a minute later. My back was against the wall as he approached. "Hi."

"Hi." I unconsciously handed him one. It was second nature.

He blew a puff out and asked, "You got a review for me?" That was also second nature.

I chuckled and shook my head, looking down at the floor. "Excellent as usual."

"Dry as ever, come on, Janie, you've got to give me more here."

I gave what I could. "I liked the new songs."

It seemed less jokey now as his laughter fell but he smiled at me sincerely. "Thanks."

"I'm sure the album will be great." I never doubted that. Even if he wrote the most scathing things about me, I would love it because he’d word it in such a way that I simply could not hate it.

Our conversation was like hitting a tennis ball back and forth but each time one of us hit it the other wouldn't hit it back. I thought about going inside. Then, he asked me, "You and Robert together?"

His bluntness had taken me aback and I focused on my cigarette to process the question. "Does Robert strike you as the boyfriend type?"

It made Alex laugh, which was the only relief in the world I would need. "I suppose not. Kissing you on the cheek and all—I'm sorry, not my business."

He was flustered, which made me laugh. He was small and cute when he was flustered, messing with his hair and shaking his head. "You know, he gets a kick out of making you jealous."

"Really?" Alex chuckled at the idea. I think Alex, for many years, viewed himself as the underdog, even if he was more famous, richer, cuter, and kinder than nearly anyone else I knew. 

"I think you make him feel insufficient. I'm not sure why but he's always felt a need to overcompensate when you're around."

"So, he doesn't do stuff like that usually?"

I never liked lying to Alex. "No. But in full transparency, we are doing the hook-up thing or whatever."

He verged on saying something but closed his mouth and scuffed out his cigarette. I joined him in dropping mine. "Lucky him."

I pushed him light-heartedly. "Shut up."

We returned inside and Robert's arm returned around me. Later, when we were saying our goodbyes for the evening, he was loud in his exclamation that we were leaving together and returning to his flat. I had to hide my laughter. Robert's usual too-cool-for-school conduct faded at the sight of Alex. It made it funnier when Alex pulled me aside while everyone was saying their goodbyes.

"Are you coming to the show tomorrow?"

I shook my head. 

"Come."

"I can't. I've got to babysit."

Matt interjected, "They let you around children?"

Before I could say anything, Alex told him, "Will you shut it, Matthew?"

When Matt moved away, Alex grabbed my hands. "Just come tomorrow. Another night of free drinks if you want."

I giggled at his earnestness. "I would if I could."

"Cancel. Come on."

"Al."

"Look, how many nights am I in town for? Come on, Janie."

His eyes wide, his mouth saying his name for me, and his hands clutching mine. I didn't say no.

*

My arms are crossed and my head is shaking the first time I hear "505" because I don't know what to make of it and I don't know what to make of this. Alex was dressed in a sky-blue Lacoste (this will be more relevant in a few years) and he pressed down on the keys as he pressed down on me.

I was having a hard time wrapping my head around it. I wasn't sure if I should cry or smile. The song left me uneasy and I felt I didn't know what was true anymore. That wavelength between us had been severed and I imagined Alex felt sad about our break-up but I never thought he was rethinking his actions and pining for that hotel room again. I had been the one to lament over our break-up and send it to him. He had stayed reserved in all his opinions and hid away his emotions. It wasn't a new thing by any means. But I did feel a sense of betrayal when I heard the information with 2,000 other people instead of under blankets and sheets, whispered in the dead of winter.

But I didn't want to talk about it so after the show I didn't bring it up. His mannerisms shifted from his awkward movement to more deliberately positioned as he hugged me after the show like he had done so many times before, sweaty.

"Drinks?" I asked him.

He moved back and forth between his left and right foot. "I was thinking I could see this new flat I keep hearing about." 

Everything was intentional and obvious. "It's not very fabulous."

He waved me off. "I'm sure you've gushed the place up."

"Gushed the place up?" I questioned his verbiage.

Alex rolled his eyes and squeezed my upper arm. "Come on. Let me see the grounds."

Off we went on the underground to my flat, just the two of us. He kept jumping in his seat on the way over, citing excitement. "It feels out of place that I haven't seen your place," he said.

"Yeah. I know what you mean."

On our way up the stairs to my flat, Alex tried to challenge me to a race but my feet hurt and I couldn't believe he still had enough energy after performing concert after concert. My back was slumped and Alex was standing up perked as I unlocked the door. 

"Georgia home?" He asked as we made our way through the door.

"With Kyle."

He nodded, tight-lipped. I could see the scene unfolding before him in his mind as we stood in the living room/kitchen hybrid. He looked around the room like he had actual interest in it before his eyes landed on me with a smile.

"Do you do this in every city?" I asked.

"Huh?"

"Al. You're easy to read."

He stuffed his hands in his coat pocket as he tried to fight that grin bursting across his face. "I wanted to see your place."

I rolled my eyes and walked toward my bedroom. "Yeah, sure." He followed behind like an obedient puppy.

He was attentive in looking around the room, nearly all those trinkets he had memorized from my old room had been replaced with new ones. The poster flier from one of Georgia's poetry readings, the Amy Winehouse ticket stub, and the dumb joke from Alex's Christmas cracker were pinned on my mini bulletin board. The paper crown and mini deck of cards sat displayed on my desk. A slight upturn came to Alex's cheeks at the sight.

His gaze moved back to me. "A lot smaller than your room back home."

"Yeah. Rent's expensive and I'm paying rent now."

"Out from under your dad's thumb." Seeing him as pleased with this as I had been was a happy sight. Those long chats in hidden coves where we'd be independent together. But as always Alex was happy for me even without having him as codependence. 

Alex faked looking around my room more as I sat on the edge of my bed. He'd bend down to look at things like he was at a museum. His hands stayed in his pockets the whole time and he examined the corners and details of everything as if he'd be quizzed on it.

"Are you looking to see what you're going to steal from me?" I asked him.

He chuckled. "No, sorry. Just curious." He picked up the mini deck of cards, tossing it in his hands. "Round of Gin?"

"Alex." I wanted to be clear. "You came over here to play cards with me?"

His eyes were stuck on the deck's package, fiddling with the cardboard lid. "I just..." He shrugged multiple times and bounced on his feet. "I guess, I missed you, you know."

"Yeah." It was an easy sentiment to agree to because I feared I'd miss him for the rest of my life.

"We were in Tokyo a few weeks ago and I wanted to go see that Buddha you wrote about that, that, that—"

"Kamakura Daibutsu."

"Yeah." He looked down solemnly. "Wasn't there long enough to do it. I don't know. It just had me thinking about you and I know the relationship thing has sailed." 

I didn't believe that. I didn't want to believe that. I had held on to those hidden beliefs that after all the madness we'd return to each other's side and all would be well. An abyss grew in me that Alex didn't believe that too.

"But," he continued. "But just all that shite that I'd done to make it worse and I vowed I'd never do that and I'm sorry for being a total dickhead."

"I did things too that I knew would hurt you."

"You did nothing."

"I slept with someone in Aruba."

He froze, his stare on me as he processed the information. "Uh, that's fine."

I shook my head. "Don't do that. I don't want to start acting like my parents."

"I don't want tonight to be this depressing," he laughed wetly. 

"What did you want tonight to be?"

"I, I, to be—to hang out, to be with you."

"We could have done that at a pub. Why'd you want to come to my flat?" We looked at each other, both knowing the answer but waiting to see if the other would verbalize it.

He put the deck back on my desk and sat beside me. He stared forward at the wall for a moment before falling on his back. He rubbed his face as if to scrub it off, not wanting me to see the sight of it. My eyes never stopped following him. I was afraid to blink.

"My plan was to be all cute, tha knows."

"Aren't you always?"

The comment seemed to drop his guard a bit as he placed his hands on his chest. He took a deep breath and looked at me. His smile slowly grew as if it was being watered by the sight of me. "If you want to kiss me, you can."

I rolled my eyes and turned away from him but my smile was unavoidable.

"Come on." He tugged on my wrist. "You wouldn't let me endure one of the most embarrassing moments of my life."

I slapped away his hand's grip. "Quit mocking me."

He sat up. "I'm not mocking, Janie. I'm making the bad good." His face was right next to mine and it felt like the best move was to kiss him because kissing Alex could never be wrong even if he was leaving tomorrow and I would be left here.

So, therefore, having sex with Alex could never be an issue even though I slept with Robert the night before and I would sleep with him tomorrow. I wanted relief. The only solution was Alex in me. It was memorable.

*

His excitement worried me. "You're graduating in a few months. You could join us for festival season. It'll be in all those incredible places you want to go with beautiful weather. It'll be perfect. Where do you want to go? We'll go."

Lying in his arms had always been a comfort but now I felt this inevitability of hurting him with the false hope I had given. We lied on our sides, looking at each other, his hand draped over my waist.

"I don't know what kind of job I'll have after school. I might have to stay in London."

"We should hire you. You'll be our on-the-road journalist." His smile was infectious and I wished to have similar sentiments that once the obligation of school was done then we'd be fixed. But I wasn't going to kid myself.

I fell onto my back and clutched the bedsheet to my chest. "I think I'd be a bit biased. I don't want to be a journalist anyway."

"What do you want to be then, Janie?"

I shrugged. "I'll know when it's here."

Alex propped himself up on his elbow and quickly hovered over me. "You can't lie to me, Janie. You're a writer."

"Everybody's a writer," I argued.

He bit back a chuckle and shook his head. "Don't give me that shite for 4 years ago. You're a writer. I've seen it with my own two eyes."

"Well," I bite my lip, "there's this magazine, Granta, that I've submitted pieces to. I don't know if I want to do the whole freelance writer thing but I like writing what I want to write."

"Do it," he urged. "I'm not just saying that because you'll be able to come on the road with us."

I side-eyed him. "Sure."

"Have faith in me. I'm always looking out for the best for you. I'm always in your corner, Jane Cavendish."

It hit me. I knew it was the truth and he had always rallied for me so deeply even when we were far away from each other. "Ditto."

Alex rolled onto his back and looked at the ceiling. "Plus, you'll be able to see us headline Glastonbury."

I laughed but he didn't correct himself. I looked over and that smug bastard smirked at me and slowly nodded his head. "Fuck off. You're joking." He wasn't. Obviously.

*

Alex left for Liverpool at 6:30 AM. He shook me out of sleep saying he'd see me in a few weeks and kissed me.

Hours later, when I woke up, I would've figured I'd dreamt it if he hadn't written a note and placed it on my nightstand.

Come to Leadmill on the 21st & 22nd. I want a formal review. —A.T.

A couple of days later, Favourite Worst Nightmare dropped, including my—to this day—only songwriting credit on "Fluorescent Adolescent." I sent a text to Alex calling him a plagiarist. He told me to look out for the royalties check.

My relationship with Robert had remained unchanged but he gave the impression he knew what I had done with Alex. We never talked about it and when I left for Wakefield on the 20th he told me to tell the band he liked the album. I kissed his cheek. He was an annoying piece of shit but he was my friend. Few people understood it but we related to one another in a way I've never related with anyone. We were twin flames and it's why I couldn't handle him for more than a night at a time. We lit each other's fires but a fire is still a fire even if it keeps you warm on a cold night and burns you the next.

In Wakefield, my parents informed me they were moving. It had little to no effects on me other than sentimentality and having to clean out my childhood room. Stacey, however, would be uprooted and for that, I hurt.

My parents' guilt-tripped generosity allowed Stacey to attend The Leadmill show—her first Arctic Monkeys concert. She was slightly aware of the ambiguity of Alex and I's relationship and over the winter had prodded me for more. No one can claim to be a bigger fan of Alex Turner than Stacey, not even myself.

I wore my Arctic Monkeys tour T-shirt purchased at the London shows and Stacey wore the one I had purchased for her (I bought them at the merch table because it felt too awkward to ask Alex or the band for one. I used to just steal them. I decided to not hold the poor merch girl at gunpoint for a shirt). I drove my car there so Alex couldn't persuade me into drinks after. Stacey's coming eliminated any funny business. I wanted to get through school before starting anything up with Alex again. If I was even going to do that. I wasn't sure yet.

The setlist had a few new inclusions and Stacey jumped around freely. It was a beautiful sight of youth to see. It's the first time I really felt old at the thought that used to be me. Then, I felt stupid. I was a fresh 21, I had no clue how old old would really feel.

After the show, we congratulated the band on a good show and said good night. Alex told me to come to his parents' house before the show tomorrow. I accepted. I missed David and Penny. They would also be a good prevention buffer.

Up in his room, we sat on his bed and talked like the old days. There was much that had happened to talk about. Alex took the news of the house selling harder than me. I guess my sentimentality had rubbed off on him but I never viewed that house in the rose-coloured view that Alex did. But moments in my room I've locked away in my heart for just him and me. Things for only my ears to hear, my eyes to see, and my flesh to feel and vice versa for him.

After the show, we sat in my car.

"I feel like we're back to being 18," I told him.

"Why?"

I laughed to shield the seriousness with which I was speaking. "These trysts of ours."

"I already told Miles so." He had come out and performed "505" with them that night.

I rolled my eyes and chuckled. "Of course you did."

He shrugged helplessly.

"I'm still—well, I continued my thing with Robert. I'm not gonna lie to you."

"I kind of figured."

"I don't know how I feel about starting this again. Always being so far."

Alex sighed and leaned forward on his elbow on the center console. "After you've graduated that might not even be an issue."

"I'm not gonna follow you around like a puppy dog for years, Alex."

"I don't expect you to. But it could be fun this summer. After that, there'll be a break and we'll go wherever you pick. Swear it." He stuck his pinky out.

I bit the inside of my cheek and looked at his sweet face, always seeing so much with those big eyes. I loved him to pieces. Through all the struggles, there was that sweet face. So, I wrapped my pinky around his.

*

Alex was in Orlando when I graduated. He sent me a long email that is too long and personal to be printed in full here but here's an excerpt.

I think you should be a food reviewer that way we get into all the best restaurants that I'm not elegant enough to get into. Or you could just bat your eyelashes. Either would work I'm sure.

Be whatever you want. You'll be the best at it. Unless you want to do my job then stick to your day job otherwise I'll be out of one. Call me after, whenever you can. I wish I was there so imagine I am. It'll make me feel better.

He sounded like a dad. Some version of Atticus Finch morphed into a buffoon. I thought for hours about how to respond to the email. My eyes began to hurt so I just sent him photos from the day that Georgia had taken. 

Georgia hid her discrepancies with me over abandoning the flat to "run off with Alex" as she said every time I brought up my summer plans. I sublet my room with full intentions of returning in September. 

Robert was messier. We mutually seemed to agree that our sexual relationship would come to an end in May when we graduated. Robert held plans of going to New York and being a vagabond and I felt settled in London. Our activity had grown sparse after my trip to Yorkshire but didn't cease.

Two nights before graduation, I told him of my plans for the summer. He nodded along but laughed when I finished. "Whatever, Jane, be a fucking groupie all your life."

"I'm not."

He laughed maliciously at me. "I think you're scared of what comes after uni so you're clinging to this rich, successful ex-boyfriend. Play second fiddle to him. That's fine."

He was jealous. But I worried he was right.

*

I met up with the band in Dublin, which seemed fitting. It was easy to fall into the old habits of 2005 when I joined the band during the summer. However, Alex and I's relationship hadn't returned to what it had been. I slept in his bunk due to lack of space but that wasn't difficult. We struggled more with communication.

Their two shows in Dublin were messy and fanatical in the crowd. I stood backstage and listened to people singing along to a song I wrote. It didn't feel as out-of-body as I imagined and I wondered if Alex felt the same way when he heard the crowd singing along with him. 

In between their first and second show in Dublin, Alex and I escaped to Wicklow, much to the annoyance of his management who worried the whole day that he had ditched the show. We returned in time, although we did cut it close.

We hiked the Glen Beach Cliff where the ocean kissed the mountains and I knew Alex wanted to complain the whole time but he didn't. His shoes were old, the seams nearly ripped open as we hiked the 3 miles. Below us, on the beach, were seals. It felt like a different world compared to the one we had experienced last night.

As we walked downhill, Alex wrapped his arm around me and despite nearly tripping several times and knocking me down with him, I refused to let him remove the arm. 

"Are we dating again?" He asked.

It had been a largely neglected topic, mostly because I hadn't made my mind up about it. It was easy to be with Alex but being with Alex when we weren't actually with each other was frustrating. My biggest worry had always been ruining our friendship over the failure of our romantic relationship. Still, I wasn't sure of anything. "I guess."

He lightly chuckled. "That was enthusiastic."

"I'm sorry. I guess my question remains about what will happen after summer." The wind swirled around us and I tried my best to keep my hair out of my face.

"That's more a question for you than for me. You know what I want but I'm going to be happy for you whatever way you go. You know that right?" Alex has always been insistent on making sure I know he's steadfast in his support of whatever direction I decide to head and he has held true to that (mostly).

"Then, I'll need time to think about that. See what opportunities come my way this summer."

He nodded and tugged me closer. "This is over in December and then I'm all yours. Besides, I've already called you me girlfriend so you can't go back on it now."

In my sarcastic nature, I tossed my head on his shoulder, sounding, "Ugh! Don't be presumptuous, Al."

*

I got my favourite pair of sunglasses stolen at Glastonbury and I will hunt down the thief until the day that I die. Not that sunglasses were required for much of that day. The sky was dim, the ground was muddy, and it rained the whole weekend. We got there a day early to settle and like any night before a big show, it was spent drinking and horsing around late into the night.

Alex and I didn't get to bed until way past midnight and even then we had left Jamie, Matt, and other mates still fucking around. As we got ready for bed Alex had grown quiet, slow in his movements, and shrinking down into the small bed.

We laid down together and silence was awkward and he felt stiff. "You nervous?"

"Yeah," he laughed out in an effort to mask his nerves.

I curled my arm around and hugged him. I did my best to comfort him the way he always did for me. I held him tight and tried to possess a shoulder to cry on the best I could. "You know, I'll still love you even if you make a fool of yourself."

"Thanks." I leaned back to look at him as he struggled with a smile. His hand reached up and pushed my hair behind my ear. He held my cheek and it felt like his muscles had finally relaxed. "I'll try my best not to. I know you don't want to be stuck with a fool." 

"Aren't you already?"

He rolled his eyes and was relieved with a laugh. "Maybe only for you."

"That's so cheesy. You should be put in jail."

"As long as you were there."

I slapped a thunk onto his arm. "Stop it, you. I'll imprison you. Shush!"

He resisted my push away from him, wormed his arm under me, and landed the other over me. He wiggled us close and he felt like a preheated oven as my bones were left out to defrost. "Are you happy? Excited?"

Alex often needed me to reassure him during this period of our lives, especially after we got back together. That summer our relationship was ambiguous and it was easy for Alex to fear that at the first sign of unhappiness, I would ditch him. He wasn't exactly wrong. I wouldn't have left if Glasto sucked but if I became unhappy with Alex, it was an easy out for me. I've always appreciated easy outs.

"Yeah. I wish I had a camera. Then, I could sell them all to The Sun and make a killing."

"Is all this okay with you?" More questions. Another valid one. An undiscussed topic had often been I, an at-the-time unknown, being pulled into the public eye for my attachment to Alex. It's not like he was some tabloid superstar but it didn't leave me as a virtual unknown, especially with the band only getting bigger.

I nodded, my ear rustling against the pillow. "No stalkers. Except maybe you." He hadn't left my side since we arrived. I couldn't complain one bit. For once, I wasn't the clingy one.

He mused, "What can I say? I love you."

"Stop." Too cheesy, too cheesy.

Alex laughed into his pillow. He softened up and inched closer to me on our tiny bed. "Why didn't you bring your camera?" My photograph production had declined since college but I still held onto the habit.

I frowned. "It broke right before graduation."

"The ol’ Canon finally bit the dust,” he joked. It had been the only camera I ever owned. I used my mother’s old cameras when I took that photography class with Matt. I never bothered investing more in it than what I could borrow. “We can pick up another one."

I sighed. "Too much money. I'm an independent woman now."

"Oh, damn, you need me to be your daddy now."

I pushed him off the bed.

*

We mudded up our wellies the following day to see Amy Winehouse before the rain poured in full force again. I think it relaxed everyone to feel like we went to Glasto just to enjoy it and not actually headline it. We nodded our heads along with the songs and stood with our hands stuffed into our pockets. 

Opposing Alex's nerves, I was wracked with excitement. I went off into my own world during Glastonbury and wanted to enjoy the hippie nature and the history. I loved the whole weekend. The nights after watching The Killers and The Who and I'm pissed with Arctic Monkeys to this day for having me miss Björk to watch their stupid headline set.

Dressed in their overcoats and Matt with his Adidas track pants, their set went off without a hitch and I had fun dancing with Katie and briefly with Dizzee Rascal before he joined them onstage for "Temptation Greets You Like A Naughty Friend." The road had and would be lonely but it was eased a little bit by having another girl by my side. When Miles came out and joined the band for "505" I thought of Eva. I hadn't talked or heard about her since The Little Flames disbanded. I shamed myself for it. I had become a person who held onto objects that reminded you of a person as an excuse to no longer see them.  The thought crossed my mind that Georgia was my only friend and I hadn't talked to her since I joined the band on the road. Then, Katie hugged me to her side and I felt a little less lonely.

I had grown desensitized to the meaning behind Alex's songwriting. I never stopped and thought about how he was singing songs that were rooted in our break-up because it no longer seemed important because we were together and how the past could affect the future. But there was this moment during "Do Me A Favour" where he had seemed rather emotional, furiously strumming his guitar and rushed singing close to his microphone. I felt ashamed for not having the same reaction as him. I felt like I was missing a gene by not crying at "Mardy Bum" or not swooning at "I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor" but I suppose night after night, I just became numb to the meanings of those songs. I wish I hadn't. I wish I enjoyed it more but everything felt fleeting so I made no effort to cherish moments at that age.

When they got off stage the thought had floated away and we were ready for a night of exhausted celebration. The weather was rough and the band had their casual round of press before we enjoyed drinks and party favours in the camper. Alex and I made out against the door of a porta-potty at one point. It was very disgusting.

*

I fulfilled more travel fantasies with this tour. The limitations no longer sat in Great Britain and Ireland as we moved up to Scandinavia, first stopping in Oslo. I was set loose and skipped their concert, instead visiting the Akershus Fortress and seeing "The Scream" at the Munch Museum finally returned to its home after being stolen in 2004 (although, I'm partial to Munch's "Madonna" but that's neither here nor there). In Stockholm, I continued this by going to the Vasa Museum and in the evening hiking up to Skinnarviksberget and watching the sunset, but, sadly, no Northern Lights.

We continued the festival run going through Germany and then Rock Werchter where at this point I should have broken the world record for seeing Lily Allen live as I once again watched her on the Pyramid Marquee before seeing my boys on the Main Stage.

A festival or so later, a day off was given before their Paris show, and, in a way, I finally got my Parisian dream. The hotel was nice and the toilet worked like how a normal toilet works but Alex and I shared a room. Privacy for the first time since his room in Sheffield. We did the obvious, a few times.

It's weird to put it how sex works with Alex and me. It's like a weird recalibrating device. I suspect it's because our relationship started through it that whenever we need to get back on the same page fucking seems to help. It was late and we shared a cigarette after because you can do that then in Paris. I would talk, he would smoke it, then he would talk, I would smoke it.

"You and Katie have become best mates," he said. Katie had returned back to England a few days prior and I once again was the lone girl.

"I like her a lot. She's a calm presence amongst the chaos."

"Yeah, she's done Jamie a world of good. Calmed him a bit." That was undeniably true. Jamie had always been a kind and caring guy but he had an uncontrollable craze at times and a mouth that poured at things that maybe shouldn't have been said. Katie seemed to kick him and keep him in check.

I have always been fascinated with how people change people. Somewhere at our center these people worm their way in and change your hardwiring or maybe they just expose what has always been there. "Have I calmed you?"

Alex chuckled. "Quite the opposite I think."

"Hey!" I became jokingly affronted. "I can be a calm presence. You lot are the ones who are messing around so much."

He continued to laugh at me. Eyes bright and smile light. He reached over and began to pet my hair. "I don't think calm would be the right word." I thought about hitting his chest but that would prove his point. "I just think you've made me more confident."

It was a peculiar thought to me. I didn't feel confident most of the time and I was nowhere near the confidence of going on stage and headlining festivals as a band's frontman. "How?" I asked.

He reached back to stub out the cigarette on the ashtray on the bedside table but he kept his hand steady on the side of my head, rubbing smooth circles. He returned closer and with a soft smile. "In a lot of ways. Your encouragement." I couldn't argue with that. Alex had done the same for me tenfold. "I feel like if you believe in me, even if I fuck up out there, you'll still be here." I wanted to always be there. I hated how life got in the way and people stayed and others went and I just wanted to stay in little corners of the world with Alex forever. But in those early years, it was an impossibility. We tried our best. 

"Plus, you're smoking hot." I rolled my eyes but I was, of course, charmed by the comment (I mean, I wrote it here for a reason. I want everyone to know he finds me smoking hot). "Do you know the power I have by having you as a girlfriend? For god's sake, Robert almost kicked my ass over you."

I pushed away from him. "Ew. Don't talk about Robert when I'm naked."

"Why? You've been naked with him."

Forces froze and I waited to see if he had more to say or if I had anything to say but we both felt chilled by the awkwardness. I slowly sat up more against the headboard and rested back against it. "Were you hurt by that?"

"What?"

"Me having sex with Robert because you don't really have a right to be pissed." I was defensive because I was in the right but I also framed his words as an attack.

Alex was slow in his response, I guess he was trying to find the best way to say what he was thinking without me biting his head off for it. "No. I mean, you're right. There's no reason to be pissed."

I wanted to know his real feelings. I knew he wouldn't shame me for doing it but I wondered if he felt the act of Robert and I's relationship was an attack against him. I played with my fingernails and we didn't make eye contact. We were two planks beside one another. "But were you?"

I peeked over. His shoulders shrugged and he looked down at his hands. We were mirror images of each other. "I don't know. I mean, I don't like the idea of you being with anyone else. Truthfully, Robert annoys me so I guess that confused me or upset me more. But I love you, you know." He looked over. Insistent on this part. "And that's not going away. I figured that out a long time ago. As much as I love the idea that I get to be with you for...you know, I know that I can't get everything I want. But I want you to get all that. I want it more for you than for me. You got that?"

It took me a while to regain control. I was stuck between smiling so wide my face ripped into two and crying until my eyes fell out. I took a shaky breath. "Yeah. But I want all that for you too so you're right back to getting everything you've wanted again because I want that."

"You're always forcing me to take care of myself, Janie."

I hugged him. I needed to touch him. To hold him. I whispered into his neck, "It's 'cause I love you, you know."

*

When the tour went on break I went with Alex to Black Box Studios in Maine-et-Loire, France where he and Miles recorded the first Last Shadow Puppets album. The whole album was recorded in a matter of 2 weeks but nothing about it was rushed. The landscape was lush and the downtime felt like something out of an Eric Rohmer film.

On the last few dates of the tour, we ended up in Sydney. It was the only time during the tour that I got the urge to call my mother. I didn't because my Nokia couldn't call that far but I sent her and my father a postcard and I bought Stacey Uggs, authentic Uggs. We had a day off where we went to Bondi Beach where Matt and I braved the cold water. Afterwards, we visited the zoo where I got to hold a koala. I felt like holding a baby, except with the softest fur imaginable. Afterward, I pouted about not being allowed to own one so Alex bought me a koala stuffed animal.

A week after, the band went to play Summer Sonic in Osaka and Tokyo. I went back home for a week. It wasn't intentional, the dates just lined up that way but it felt best to skip such a rough place. Alex has a habit of embodying the mood of places based on memories. This behavior can likely only exist for a guy who has been to so many places.

I joined The Last Shadow Puppets a few days into recording. When I arrived, Miles and Alex had just returned from riding their bikes together. They looked like twins, shaggy-haired and brown-eyed boys. Alex threw his bike down and tossed his arm over to me like we were two buds, just getting off our shift at work. It filled me with endless excitement. Then, Miles came over and cupped my face, pinching my cheeks. I slapped him away and we went inside and had dinner.

At that dinner table, I could picture a whole future. Ones where Alex and I had Miles over our house, our little stray puppy. Nights where we all went out drinking and he crashed on our couch. Miles and I would both be hungover and Alex would give us painkillers and make us scrambled eggs.

Side-by-side, Alex and I brushed our teeth. It was a greater act of love than a marriage proposal.

*

I had begun to videotape these Shadow Puppets. On the morning of my second day there, Alex and I were lounging around in bed when he told me he had a little present. He came out with a camera, a Pentax 17. 

"For me?" I pointed to myself, holding the delicate thing, cradling it like my baby.

He snorted a laugh. "Who else?" He petted my hair back and he was the sweetest man who ever lived. 

In those two weeks, I didn't have many subjects. Most of the footage and pictures were of Miles and Alex. James Ford, who produced and drummed with the Puppets, made some appearances. I slipped by in a couple too. I began to develop this plan to make a documentary on the band. It fell through, mainly because when they went to do the orchestral parts of the album in December, I couldn't go, and I was also lazy. They used some of it for a 4play documentary but it wasn't the vision I had. Alex says I would have won an NME award (I have desperately wanted to win one solely for the middle finger trophy. Alex has plenty, only one on display for joking sake, but I would beg to win one. It might have been my only chance). It probably would have sucked. I've never worked with actual film to make a movie. I never worked with anything to make a movie because I've never made a movie. I will never make one either. Because I am lazy. But, I guess, I'll get through the rest of this book and stop interrupting the flow of the story by telling you I'm getting ready to write more of this book which you will read now. Or now. Now. Now. Now. Now. Now.

Now, I have filmed much more on that camera other than Miles and Alex skipping through great fields and picking daisies, although I still shoot that too. If I could submit home videos for the NME Awards, I would have won one by now.

Most afternoons we rode bikes around the tiny town. I would occasionally drop into the studio out of pure boredom but I spent the majority of my downtime writing or exploring. One afternoon, the trio of us biked by Château d'Armaillé.  It was a lofty manor contrast to the farms and livestock breeders we usually biked by. I stopped and stared as I usually do.

"Can you believe people lived in that thing?" I questioned, completely mesmerised.

Alex laughed, already pleased with his joke. "Yeah, isn't that the size of your family home?" 

*

On our last night there we had a little dinner party with everyone we had come across at Black Box Studios in the two weeks we had been there. Since this was pretty much the middle of nowhere, there were very few people. But it felt celebratory to end this little project with gloriously catered French food and playing dress-up. It was mainly an excuse for me to wear a vintage dress I had found at a used clothing store in Nantes when I was waiting for a car out to Black Box. 

It was a white drop-waist dress with a little bow on the side of my hip and a skirt with a light lace overlay. It was paired with a cloche hat that I regretfully didn't buy, but I still have the dress. Alex wore a button-down and slacks but Miles and I talked him into wearing a stupid top hat that had been lying around Black Box for the 2 weeks we were there. Alex ended up taking it home with him, although he does not still have it. Miles wore shorts, a grey T-shirt, and a bowtie. 

The food and conversations were far more important with the most delicious potatoes I've ever tasted that were mixed with a sauce that I might forever be wondering what it was but my tongue can still feel the taste. The wine was white and Alex dropped his glass on the floor halfway through the dinner, which he doesn't want me to mention, which means I totally will be mentioning it (obviously).

His arm rested on the back of my chair and our plates had long been cleared and the dessert, Gâteau Nantais (a delicious almond pound cake, soaked in rum, and topped with glaze—I really, really liked these meals), had been picked away at. I was still eating the crumbs of my second slice and Alex drank from his new wine glass. I could see futures, but for the first time, I felt like this was the future. Friends, old and mostly new, surrounded us and we drank and ate and talked and laughed and the warmth of Alex radiated on me. I was in love with everything.

"Will Jane be heading back on the road for North America?" James asked Alex. 

He turned to me with his teeth showing, smiling enough for sparks to come off it. Pride radiated off of him; it still makes me want to cry. "As of this morning, Miss Cavendish has a job with Simon & Schuester." 

When I told Alex, I was cautiously concerned that his worries would overshadow the news, but I never doubted he'd be happy for me. I got the call when he was brushing his teeth. I told him when he returned to our room and he grabbed my hands and made me jump on the bed with him. (Shall I avoid the Monkeys Jumping on the Bed joke?).

The table cheered loudly and drunkenly. "Oh, shit, I know those two boys!" Miles, sooooooo drunk, exclaimed. I bashfully tucked my chin down, avoiding the attention. 

Alex's hand skimmed over my left shoulder. He bent down to kiss my downturned cheek and it was like my crush just kissed the spot—my cheeks flushed red and my heart pounded on the gates of my ribs. 

I waved for the noise to quiet down. "It's just an editorial assistant position."

Alex squeezed my shoulder, looking over at me, and rolling his eyes. "Cut it with that rubbish, Janie. It should have been the first thing we cheers to when we sat down."

He reached for his wine glass and I shoved his arm away. "Stop it. You're flustering me." His breath smelled of Chardonnay and his behavior spelled out drunk—his bubbly drunk phase, which is the most flattering phase. He leaned over kissing my cheeks repeatedly making the table erupt in noise again. I took a grip on his face and tried to push him away.

"I've made you all red," he boasted. Alex's face was all red too but it was likely more to do with the alcohol than me. "It's time to cheers, Janie." He motioned toward my almost empty wine glass. I shook my head. "Time to cheers, Janie," he insisted. 

"You sure you aren't going to drop your glass again?" I teased.

"Oh, shut it, you," he said, but he laughed and tugged me close to him. I almost thought he was going to give my head a noogie.

He drank all the wine out of his glass before raising it. "To Jane Cavendish, Simon & Schuester Editorial Assistant."

*

I started on a Wednesday and I did little editing in my editorial position. But Helen, one of the editors, gave me old drafts they hadn't published and the book and told me to pick all the differences out and she would be quizzing me on it the next day. I went out drinking with Lee and Georgia and came in hungover the next day. Helen said I was the first editorial assistant she had that didn't fall for the quiz prank. That endeared her to me and she became my mentor.

Alex was off doing interviews about virginity for the Virgin Fest and I had never been more thankful I didn't lose my virginity to him. I used to wish that and tell Stacey when assuring her not to lose it so young. But it's probably best since I'd associate the time I lost my virginity with an interviewer from AXS Uncut asking Alex to name virgins.

I had moved back in with Georgia and her new girlfriend, Kyle, who was always a sweetheart, even if she didn't do the dishes. They weren't the annoying kind of couple to live with. They weren't loud and I never felt like the third wheel around them. It was easy for my mind to drift to Alex. I would relive the way Black Box felt. While the majority of it felt like a vacation, at its core, we were coming home each night together. The home is what we lacked on the road and the togetherness is what we lacked at home. I just thought of him being in my bed, sleeping. I always liked the way he looked sleeping.

Alex called more than he did on the last tour. I guess he had learned a lesson. Being in North America was a bit easier than when he'd been in the Eastern Hemisphere since he was only 6 hours behind. He'd call me when I got off work before he'd perform his concert and we would talk of the monotony of my day. A couple of hours later, usually while I was sleeping, he'd text me about how the concert went. It was usually only one word: "Good." "Great." "Best." "Sucked." "Wanker." "Drunk." 

We had fallen into a pattern and although it seemed dull, it was successful. My heart still ached and sometimes the sight of Georgia and Kyle made me want to stick my head in the oven, but he was there when I needed him, even though he couldn't be here.

Working felt comfortable and, for once, I eased into that comfort. I got after-work drinks with editors and fellow editorial assistants. I'd joke around with superiors at work and I'd go home to Georgia and Kyle, who had made dinner for me. Georgia was working various gigs, but still heavily focusing on poetry. Kyle worked as a set developer, which meant our living room looked like a craft store had exploded. I didn't mind. I spent most of my off-time in my room and would only venture to the living room when we watched TV together.

However, when the North American leg finished at the beginning of October, Alex dropped by, and with a clicking of his tongue and the shaking of his head, he said, "Oh, Janie. You've got glitter everywhere." He said this in front of Kyle, so I hit the back of his head and dragged him to my bedroom.

Alex's stay at our flat during October was never agreed upon, he just showed up and I'd never turn him away. A week in, however, Georgia asked me when it was just the two of us in our kitchen, early in the morning before I headed off to work, "So, is he like living with us now?"

I shrugged. "No. I mean, he'll be back on the road before the end of the month."

"How do you feel about that?" What a good therapist she would be.

"Better than last time. I'm occupied now. I don't have to worry about lying around all the time thinking of him."

"You're a big girl now, Cavendish. But if he stays past a month, he will have to pay rent."

I laughed out loud. "I doubt he'll be living here with us."

"All I’m saying is rich rockstar can pitch in on groceries."

I told Alex of this conversation and he took me to the store to point out all of Georgia's favourite food goodies and bought them for her. Georgia felt bad after that until she had Jelly Babies. Then, she insisted Alex buy groceries every week.

On Alex's last night at the flat, he bought takeaway for everyone and watched I'm a Celebrity...Get Me Out of Here! with us. Several jokes were made about Alex doing the show, but I don't think Alex could eat a bug or be stuck with Katie Hopkins for a month. After dinner, Georgia and Kyle left for a "late-night poetry reading" or more likely avoid-the-lovebirds game.

Alex and I showered, changed into pajamas, and brushed our teeth together. In two parentheses, curled to bookend one another, Alex brushed his hand down my side. I told him, "I hope you get a good tan in South America."

"I'm too pale for you, Janie?"

"Maybe your butt," I giggled. It was some form of drunk-in-love. I felt rush through me every time he looked at me. It was like taking a hit.

"Wish you could come with us," he said. He was sober in his tone but his eyes were glazed over.

"Me too, but I'm happy here. I love my job and it sucks to not be with you but—"

He smiled—beamed bright and overwhelming. "But you're happy." He curled into me. My manners had transferred to him as he curled his arms around me and dug his face into my neck. "I'll be back for a week in November."

"And you'd come back here?" I questioned. There was a touch of uncertainty in everything we did that year, mostly because we had never even said we were back together and the other part was the reason for our break-up.

Alex lifted his head, his smile still showing. "Yeah." He sounded so happy and sunny. It was a cocoon of bliss. The young love I had always wanted. His fingers traced over my shoulder, making little finger drawings. His eyes looked down on his creation, avoiding my eyes. "And then we've got two shows here in December and then that last show in Manchester, which I thought maybe you could take off work and come up for. It's on a Monday so understandable if you can't."

I smiled at him but I'm unsure if he saw it due to his shy gaze dodging my face. "I'll try my best. I'll definitely be at the London ones."

His face was aglow but attentive to his finger tracing. "And then I was thinking, maybe—I don't know—maybe I'd come back to London."

I lightly chuckled. "You're not banned from the city. You're always welcome here. Georgia and Kyle like you a lot."

"I like them too but I was thinking we could stay somewhere else."

"What? Like a hotel?"

He finally looked me in the eye. "No, maybe we move in together. Like, get our own place. Maybe. It was just a thought."

It pleased me to no end. The thought wrapped its way around me the first time we slept together and over three years later to encounter the reality of it, I couldn't believe it. "A flat for just the two of us?"

"Yeah. I know you like it here but maybe we could find somewhere that I'm not finding specks of glitter all over my clothes."

I giggled all over him. "Yeah, yeah. I'd like that too. I'd like anywhere as long as you're there."

Alex shook his head with a big smile like he couldn't believe it. He hugged me, kissing my cheek, and then...then we did other stuff, you know.

*

People have asked me if Alex plays songs for me. They've imagined a world in which Alex sings me a lullaby every night. And I guess the answer is "yes" but I'd say more of a "sort of" situation. Alex would often strum his guitar to me but not in a dedicative format. It was something he would have done if I was there or if I wasn't. So, I would say he never did it for me.

Except once.

He was back in London and he had arrived late the night before. I was in my jammies and my slippers when he arrived and he made fun of me for my pajama pants that had Christmas elves printed on them. 

I was waiting on my bed for him to return from the bathroom. He came back, chilly from the lack of heating; Georgia and I weren't turning it on again this winter. He paced around my room before he asked, "Can I play you something?"

I furrowed my brows. "Like a song?"

He nodded and picked up his guitar. "I'm gonna do it on Radio 2 tomorrow. Like a little teaser for what's to come."

"So, this is a song for the next album?"

He shrugged. "Maybe." We never talked about the next thing, which was a problem and not a good choice for our reunited relationship.

Alex adjusted his guitar on his lap and sat in front of me, playing "Fire and the Thud" to me. He had never been that overtly romantic in a song before. Songs on the previous two albums never felt like love songs, but rather songs of longing or infatuation. But it felt like he had written this song for me as he played it for me. 

It would be one of the sweetest things anybody has ever done for me if he didn't go on to do even more songs for me. Not to brag or anything.

After he put his guitar down, I curled my arms around his neck and yanked him down with me to lay back on the bed. "You like it?"

"Loved it. I love everything you write."

"Yeah, but you really loved this one right?"

"Sure."

*

A few weeks later, when Alex and I returned from the final show of the Favourite Worst Nightmare tour, we moved into a new flat. Together. I had picked the flat out. Alex said whatever I liked he'll like and I wasn't going to argue being the sole picker. 

We moved in at a record speed, mainly because I had very little stuff and Alex had nothing, everything still back home in his childhood bedroom. My parents had officially moved down to Bath and I had received scathing phone calls from Stacey. I still feel sorry for that poor teenage girl.

Alex and I got a studio, which I liked because it felt artsy and a total adult thing to share a studio with your boyfriend. Later, it would be the start of many fights between Alex and me because I never had any privacy.

We had our bed in one corner, the kitchen in the other, and a small bathroom down the hall. Plus, it was in Clerkenwell, which was closer to work. We had his record player on the floor and a shared dresser. It was a greater act of love than sex or writing songs. It was his things mixed with mine.

We weren't there for very long. We each went back to our family's homes for Christmas, which suddenly was no longer the same area. Our time apart was short and when we returned we cleaned up the rest of our shared apartment and decided to have a New Year's Eve party.

It was wild debauchery from start to finish. Though we provided liquor, it seemed like every guest came with their own stash. I hadn't realized how many friends Alex had in London. His number of guests heavily outweighed mine but it didn't have much of an issue. Everything was communal and it was truly a night where everyone seemed free. Maybe it was the New Year's part or maybe it was being in the start of our early 20s. When I look back on this time, I forget how young I was. 17 and slutting up the streets at Barnsley and how in 4 years, I had obtained an establishing job and lived in London with my boyfriend. It was a dream book experience and like most things it was a small portion of our lives. But I felt straight out of a movie with this ending to the year I had received. 

Katie and I hid in a corner to talk close together to avoid all the noise. We shared a drink and both drowned in heavy alcohol consumption but we loved each other very much and I knew we'd be friends forever (I was very drunk when I thought this and slurred this to her but time has held this statement to be true. Drunk words are sober futures). "I'm going to marry him," I told her. We were watching Jamie attempt to throw Alex over his shoulder, fireman-style. Alex was a sweet ragdoll, laughing about and swaying.

Jamie was the loyal rescuer. "I'm going to marry him too," she slurred back to me. "We'd be like band sisters-in-law."

"Aw," I cooed. "I don't have a sister-in-law." (I mean, I do, my brother's wife, but I was referring more to Alex being an only child and I was wildly drunk. Forgive me, Cecilia).

"Then I can be yours!"

Before midnight, only a minute or so before, Alex and I huddled up in the kitchen with our closest friends of the bunch. Matt and Jamie were arguing about who had drunk more and we all watched on laughing. I was burrowed under Alex's arm. He was the cave I chose to hibernate in this winter.

"Don't forget the beer you had before coming here," Alex egged Matt on.

"Yes! And the beer I had 'fore coming here!" Matt sloppily shouted to Jamie. 

I pulled on Alex's hand he had thrown over me. "Don't they know I'm the drunkest?"

Alex chuckled. "Yes, with that breath you probably are." He was quite sober compared to the rest of us. Mostly because he knew how drunk I would be getting and somebody had to make sure our new place didn't get destroyed. 

I pulled back, offended. "It is not that bad."

"Yes, it is," he laughed.

"So bad you won't kiss me at midnight?" I hung off of him. You'd think we were in some basement in Wakefield.

He moved his hand down to the arch of my back to steady me. "I could never not kiss you."

My eyes snapped over to him, and I raised my eyebrows with a smirk. "Really? I don't recall that being the truth."

He laughed again. "Fair enough." But then he leaned in and kissed me until way after midnight, making out in the kitchen. It was disgusting and I loved the whole thing.

Nick knocked into us as he moved through the kitchen. "I'd tell you to get a room but we're all in it." He laughed, pleased with his joke, and moved to grab another beer.

Later in the evening, Nick threw up on our bed. Nick was the drunkest. 

Somewhere around one in the morning, I sat on Alex's lap and his arms were around me, holding me close to him as I talked to Georgia on one side of the couch and Alex talked to Miles on the other side of the couch. We held separate conversations about separate lives but he held me to him and he held me tight.

*

a/n: sigh, this is all i can think about writing as of late. i am a series girl after all.

[shakirawastaken]

dsmp if... they were teachers!

they are all high school teachers 

dream: stats - gives his class random stats facts about each exam they take - “the median was 25.8% and the mean was 50% and the mode was 72% andt he t-test showed the results were statistically significant” - wears a green button up formal shirt . every day. with different shades of green  - tries to tame his hair every morning but we’ve all seen that shit. its a mess its so fluffy - you try to fix it in the morning but by the time he gets to school its fucked - “whats the probability mr wastaken’s hair is gonna be tamed today? i bet 5 dollars on 13.2%” “...i hear you guys you know” - is always 20 minutes early - never more than that tho - speedruns grading tests  - if a kid is slacking in class, he makes sure that reflects on his grade - he has this big project each year where he asks all the kids to make a project that relates stats to their real life - his favorite thing ever - he’ll come home and be like “dear, tubbo had this amazing idea, the kids are so innovative”  - tearing up cause his students - best friends with sapnap - u make him a lunch every day and he just trades it with sapnap - everyone thinks hes in an affair with george but he tells them everytime that he has a lovely s/o at home  - one of the teachers everyone has a crush on  - is always standing at his desk like in front of it and leaning back - does not use the whiteboard he just has slideshows  - the room is sparsely decorated - its mainly old projects that people did - has a wall with all the cards and stuff kids gave him, its behind his desk 

sapnap: pe/ basketball + football coach - bro - he’s the type of coach/teacher that when he has one of his atheletes in his class he’s RUTHLESS - “pick it up tommy!! is this how you’re gonna be in the game on friday!!! i hope not!!” - jokingly ofc - if ur not one of his athletes he’s nice dw  - still makes everyone call him coach tho - how on earth do u spell athletes i think that’s right - will let you sit out if he can tell ur hurting - knows when a kid is faking it - BUT if you use the “im on my period” trick he doesn’t even question it - “coach im on my period” “okay ur good sit out for today” - likes giving romance advice for some reason - “coach :((( jared blh blah [insert problem]” “omg okay here’s what u do” - pretends he’s in a relationship with karl (u know about it ofc) - so when u show up to one of his games and kiss him all the players are like - “YOURE NOT DATING MR JACOBS” and he just laughs and kisses you again - wears shorts or sweats with a tshirt no matter what - “im a pe teacher fuck professional”  - makes fun of dream for like no reason  - his favorite unit is the flag football unit and his least favorite is the line dance one - but uses it as an opportunity to play country music and visit his roots amen - just imagine sapnap teaching u line dancing HAAHAH okay im done here 

george: comp sci - doesnt give a shit about lesson planning - shows up, glances at the syllabus and just jumps into it - it ends up working in the end - believes in a work to learn method - he doesnt teach, he assigns projects and helps the kids out - so if the kid is like comp sci EXPERT they can just pop off and george doesnt have to worry - but if the kid struggles a bit heres there to help :] - the whole room is blue cause thats all he can see - he looks so uncomfortable when he wears like long sleeve button ups so you unbutton the first one every morning before he leaves  - refuses to wear casual clothing to school ever  - unless its pajama day ayeeee - once he was teaching the whole class how to download something or some shit and forgot to stop sharing his screen  - so he went to text you he was like “doing good love? see you later :]” - and everyone was like - “MR NOTFOUND??” and he was like “wot.” “YOURE NOT DATING MR WASTAKEN??” “no ofc not mr wastaken is ugly” - cue the sounds of breaking glass from mr wastaken’s room  - he has a tv on display outside his classroom where he showcases his student’s work - for his final he just gives them a theme and says “go off” - they could make a video, a game, a simulator - whatever they want - 1) its less work for george 2) its more entertaining - once made them all code valentine’s day gifts for you - you teared up ngl  - seems like he doesnt care but wants all his kids to succeed - is REALLY good at being patient and helping a kid out but loses all that patience when it comes to other teachers (sapnap, quackity)

karl: chem - absolutely loves the science goggles look. has them on his head always - also lab coats with sweater vest period ahh period uhh  - only doesnt give a second shit about any other science but chemistry - loves lab days like on GOD - the man lives for the one lab where u put sticks w diff elements in the fire and watch the fire change color - guys i swear im a stem major - sapnap comes to watch that lab everytime. every period. even if he has a class - knows sapnap pretends to date him and reciprocates it all through the year - but theres that one kid who remembers his “get to know me” slideshow at the beginning of the year where he had a picture of you two - “mr jacobs..i dont believe ur dating coach sapanp” “whaaaat, pshhh, u lying” - makes so many chemistry jokes with you - “hey baby i think we got chemistry” *giggles manically* “why did you say that” “its literally my job”  - cue a thumbs up from u and an eye roll from him - genuinely loves being a teacher tho - the interaction he gets with students >>>  - he loves the feeling when a student comes up to him after class or even after theyre finished with his classes and go “hey what you taught me really helped” - loves it when a student keeps in contact with him, making him tear up and shi

quackity: spanish - this one was quite..obvious - chaotic teaching style, it doesnt work for everyone - but ITS FUN - lives on teaching through games - kahoots, quiz, scavenger hunt, anything to get out of a slideshow he’ll do - and he figures it out - his quizzes and tests are generally harder than what the games cover but hes a fair grader like he gets that he made it harder - LMFAO HAS A UNIT WHERE HE TEACHES FLIRTS AND SHIT IN SPANISH - brings u in to teach - LMFAOOO “hola amor” “hi?” “what does that mean class” “hi love” “wtf” - laughs maniacally  - also this scenario - “hey mr q can i get extra credit for this” “for what” “ *student swears agressively in spanish*”  “....yeah ill give u some points dont tell principal phil” - jokingly pines over both coach sapnap and mr jacobs - “guys coach sapnap *heart eyes* and mr jacobs *heart eyes*” “please just teach us spanish” - but everyone knows its a joke and ur it for him - he LOVES the food unit - he borrows the kitchens from the home ec room to teach people how to make traditional spanish foods - but GODDAMN he cant cook  - so it ends badly - also he has a thing on his wall for the fifa world cup where its like an elimination thing - face painted his face the mexican flag when the game happened - was this close to cancelling class when mexico was out

wilbur: theater  - i wish he was MY theater teacher in high school - one of the only non-toxic teachers - wears a long ass coat i forgot the name - TRENCHCOAT. for dramatics. its giving severus snape  - always wants to put on musicals but phil said  “you can only do one musical per year” - does that tik tok trend where he has a wall of musicals and rips one off each day and the last one standing is the one they put on - tries so so so hard to get the rights to hamilton, doesnt obviously - so he does stuff like in the heights, dear evan hansen, etc - IF A KID WRITES A MUSICAL AND APPROACHES HIM YOU BEST KNOW HES ALREADY SAYING YES TO PUTTING IT ON WITHOUT A SECOND *THOUGHT* - he loves supporting his students in stuff theyre passionate about even if it isnt music/theater related - once went to the schools water polo game cause one his student mentioned offhandedly in class that they didnt have anyone coming - tommy is his teacher’s assistant person  - he runs the improv lessons while wil observes him teaching - “okay kids youre all aliens and ur abducting mr soot” “tommy..” - its so funny when theyre together  - rumor has it theyre brothers along with mr blade and phil is their dad - “class please, philza minecraft is not my father.” “okay son” “PHIL WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE” - brings u in one day with the excuse of teaching them how to be in love - in reality just has a whole class sing a long to disney love songs while u sit there like why am i here - you pressure him to put on shows YOU want to see - “wil put on high school musical” “nO! WHAT AM I in high school thats so basic” “yes. you are in high school. technically” - puts on high school musical - HES THE TEACHER WHO SHIPS KIDS TOGETHER in the form of making them play love interests  - its giving mrs darbus from high school musical - i was in high school musical i played sharpay 

lmk if u want to see more members as teachers!! :D and what else u want to see period sorry it was so long okay BYEEE

[cdd-media-share]

Ruth's Story: 'Inside, I Feel Like Screaming'

The Press-Courier - Jun. 23, 1985.

-----------------------------------------

DISCLAIMER:

This is from 1985, so the wording might be quite odd/off/weird/questionable, and it might not reflect current-day understandings of DID.

I am simply sharing this for archival purposes, and to generally share some old, neat things related to CDDs. I'm just sharing for fun and out of interest.

THIS IS NOT AN EDUCATIONAL RESOURCE!

-----------------------------------------

To protect her identity, "Ruth," Dr. Neal Kline's patient with multiple personality disorder, did not want to be interviewed. But because she wants to alert people that this damaging condition is directly related to child abuse, Ruth - a woman of obvious intelligence - consented to answer some questions in writing. Follow is her story, and excerpts from her eloquent reply:

By RUTH Copley News Service

". . . My childhood was strewn with hideous, repeated traumatic episodes, but I seemed to be developing normally . . . except that I was constantly accused of (or attributed with) certain actions that I could not recall. . ."

"Bizarre, weird, alien, frightening, hysterical, hurtful, sad, futile, lost. These are all words that would apply to my feelings since childhood . . .

"To. . .ask what it feels like to 'wake up' after a period of being 'gone' seems almost insulting. What do you think I feel like? I usually feel like SCREAMING. I look at the calendar, and the clothes I have used, and my checkbook, and strange photographs on my bureau . . . or I examine the bruised on my body . . . and other things . . . and I feel like SCREAMING. My life is a nightmare (which I must keep hidden from friends and associates) and I go about pretending like nothing is wrong, but inside I feel like SCREAMING."

"Thank God I am an intelligent person. I keep a tenacious hold on my sanity and I function. When I am myself, I am reasonably calm, even happy some days. The rest of the time, I don't know what happens.

"I have learned to cope with waking up in strange beds, strange cities, strange countries. I have learned to reply to questions and situations as though I knew perfectly well what people are talking about. I have learned to smile and chat with perfect strangers who seem to know me very well.

"Actually, until a couple of years ago (and I am now over 50), I refused to admit that there was anything wrong with my life. I thought I simply had a poor memory and none of my friends ever told me anything so bizarre as my displaying a different personality in their presence.

"The comments were usually to the effect that maybe I'd had a drink or two, or perhaps I was in a strange mood yesterday, or whenever. So I was blocking out the multiple personality disorder knowledge on a conscious level. Since being treated by Dr. Kline, I have come to accept my illness for what it is: the result of a sadly twisted childhood and a sensitive nature that could not cope with the horrors of that childhood.

"Looking back, I can recall only two periods when I did not have blackouts: once for four years, and once for five years. These were periods when I was involved or living with one organization or person and I am sure that I remained myself those two periods.

As for describing my various personalities, I can only go by what others tell me. As we continue with analysis, I am becoming aware of them. But generally, they are STRANGERS to me and I do not know how, or why, they think the way they do, act that way, etc. No I am not aware of them in any other form. I cannot control their comings and goings, and I do not know how to 'summon them up' when being treated.

"I am very discouraged about 'integrating' these personalities at this time. It seems as though the pattern repeats and repeats, over and over again. Just as I feel happy and adjusted to my situation, I 'black out' and wake up days, or weeks later . . . where? In Puerto Rico? In Georgia? In New York? In Germany? There is no form of control and I am dejected as to finding a control factor.

"I have no ability to work and live on a disability pension. I have short-term relationships (and many I don't know about, from the evidence). I have become very surefooted with certain neighbors who must wonder at my comings and goings, and I have an excellent doctor who accepts my calls from strange airports, etc. What hope do I have along the lines of a cure? Very little.

"The fear of facing some secret in my childhood? This is, of course, the crux of the matter. Since the very beginning of my mental problems (depressions, suicidal feelings. . . many years ago), I have always been aware that one TREMENDOUSLY BAD THING happened to me in my childhood. I have always felt that, if this could be dug out, that perhaps the MPD would simply fade away.

"That is altogether too optimistic, I am learning. We have attempted several methods of reaching back to that child's brain of mind. So far, each time we have approached anything like those early years, another personality has popped out and prevented the probing from continuing.

"Hypnosis may yet be a viable path to this memory. We are not sure, but are trying many avenues."

"The problem, obviously, is helping the child AT THE TIME TO COPE WITH THESE FEELINGS. But first, a parent has to be present, and aware, and mine were neither.

"A major point I'd like to make about MPD? First of all, that it's REAL (too many people doubt its existence). Second, the care of a child is a serious matter. Parents cannot shirk this responsibility, and if they are not willing to really work at it, they have no right to have children. Today's attitudes are even worse than they were 50 years ago. Does that mean that years from now we will have more and more cases of MPD running around the world? It would be a funny thought if it were not so sad."

[technovillain]

I think you should go off about the autistic transmascness of raz, sasha, and otto. Right now. Forever if you are so inclined

.....maybe I will....... (i gathered my thoughts on ye olde psychonauts fic ideas google doc lol)

I tried to make some of it make a little bit of sense with the vaguely established time periods they have lol. In terms of awareness of trans identities and stuff....but I'm not playing the self-hatred stuff, just the lack of understanding of how that works based on general public social understanding of what I imagine the Psychonauts universe to be like....plus I imagine that like Psychics can sort of tell when people are related (in canon) a lot of them just also sort of have this understanding (even if highly vague) of gender difference from the very start when they are trans.... at least a lot of them do, specifically these three I'm headcanoning. And final warning. This is VERY VERY long. Like so very long. But I will share it since you egged me on :]

I will put it under the cut for length reasons. In case Tumblr glitches and tries to show the whole thang ding to people.

Otto: afab, questionable relationship with his parents. Outright always refused femininity boldly and outwardly. Pretended to be a boy all the time, strangers sometimes believed it when he was a kid. His parents tried to make him be more feminine on many occasions, and he always fought against it. After a while, they got busier and became less involved parents. At this point they gave up on making their daughter look presentable. They had written him off as past fixing as far as a female reputation went. They just told him sort of that he was up to his own devices if he was going to act like that forever. They’d be there if he wanted some help getting his act together, but otherwise he had to fend for himself. Got older and assumed he was some sort of lesbian or something. Just vaguely identified as some sort of butch lesbian identity, but a lot of people called him ‘he’ all the time and he wasn’t sure if he connected with womanhood or lesbian identities at all really. He eventually read as so masc that a lot of people assumed he was a guy anyways. And he liked that but never put a name to it because he didn’t really know about trans people. Had some sort of shroom(psitanium? dunno. something. they did psychic hippie drugs together.)-induced gender awakening with Ford one day when they were younger, before all the Psychonauts stuff. His eyes were finally randomly opened and he changed his whole outlook on his psychic abilities and gender. Decided to actually socially and medically transition after this.

Sasha: afab, gender presentation change brought on when he had to be raised by his father. Lars Nein was so disconnected from femininity that he had no clue what to do with a daughter. So he made Sasha work with him in the shop and gave him the same haircut that he gave himself for utilitarian reasons. Sasha accepted this, long hair bothered him for sensory reasons. After a few instances of Sasha having psychic encounters with reading the minds of strangers, Lars was accepting of the psychic identity but immediately knew that it would set Sasha apart from his peers even more than he already was. Sasha started wearing tinted glasses when he was around this age. It was good for his light sensitivity and also good for Lars’ store customers, many of whom claimed to be disturbed by his tendency to stare right into people's souls. Lars felt feelings of guilt over not being able to be a good father to a daughter quite often. He would not talk to Sasha about this, though, and it was another thing that Sasha had to feel guilty about when he read Lars’ mind.

When he left home, he kind of didn’t know what to do with his presentation. He was no longer under his father’s care, so he could do whatever he wanted, technically. But being so very Sasha Nein, he just kept the same look. He didn’t have to think about it if he just kept it all the same. He never let his hair get long, he never wore feminine fashion. He ditched the androgynous childlike overalls and just moved on to men’s clothes. He probably kept a few pairs of womens clothes just in case. But probably could never get himself to wear them for some reason. He’d sooner skip out on whatever event would require them anyways and convince himself that he had better things to be doing than something frivolous. Besides, men’s clothes were just more practical for the type of odd job work he was doing. He just assumed that there was something really wrong with him because of what his childhood had been like, like the absence of a mother had messed him up somehow. [This man had a heavy Freud fan phase, sorry. It definitively shaped him and it is obvious lol.] I can see him just not understanding this aspect of himself at all for a long time. Spending a long period of his life “correcting” people to let them know that he was in fact a woman by birth. He just felt some sort of obligation to always “eliminate social falsehoods to avoid later conflict” and figured that was the right thing to do. He didn’t allow himself to engage in gender euphoria at the expense of others’ “mistakes” the same way that had been so formative for Otto. By doing this, he unknowingly held back his own confidence and self-understanding for years. As he shadowed all sorts of assorted jobs, he eventually found himself pursuing something regarding his burgeoning psychic powers, working under Otto. Otto was quick to question exactly what Sasha “was”, because he felt that there were some obvious connections to his own childhood. I mean, you don’t just find trans people often back then. (Except you do when you are psychic. This is part of the deal. More psychics are LGBTQ+ and they tend to find one another easier. This almost feels canon to me...dunno) Sasha had always been the master of repressing his feelings, and Otto was basically like “Hmm okay. Smoke this weed or something. Think about your gender. I implore you. I am going into your little square head and we are going to figure this out, alright?” And Sasha was nervous working under him at first because he had no clue the job was going to become about himself. Sasha preferred not to think about himself at this point in his life, only to think about the work and research he was doing. At least the research was really interesting at Psychonauts HQ. But Otto easily made him feel on edge. All this introspective stuff was difficult for him. But Otto sharing his stories and feelings about transgenderism and aromanticism helped him significantly.

Otto was able to describe things like this in such a fundamental way that made them seem like irrefutable scientific fact. And Sasha started to understand and believe it. And he started to internalize it. And this internalization led to acceptance. And for the first time ever, Sasha loved himself. Otto offered him his home-grown hormones he had been taking and gave him a lot of general guidance. Sasha started to feel a real sense of brotherhood, of guidance and understanding. He had never worked under someone and not felt lesser than them before. This was different, this was personal and special. Sasha finally had a real friend. Also he was totally a man. Wow.

Raz: afab, but given a gender nonconforming name due to Aquato traditions. Grew up feeling fine "being a girl" for a while. It was more like he was fine with being a sister, because his relationship with his siblings was good, especially with Frazie. He was okay with having a label like sister or daughter because it was defining his life through his loving connections with other people and that was very real and accurate to him, he didn't even think about the female part (this is me projecting. cough). Raz's experiences with gender are very much tied to his psychic powers. He was never as close to Dion as he was to Frazie. Frazie also had a "boy's name" and Raz always figured that the whole name thing was why he felt the way he did about boy stuff. After Frazie reached a certain age, though, it became clear that their feelings were not the same. She didn't want to share psychic things with him anymore, and she didn't want to be called a boy name anymore. Raz could not understand this at all. Frazie felt like these were things that for her own identity to evolve properly, she would have to drop, and deep down she had always known that. But Raz doesn't feel that way at all, in fact he has always known that the boy name and the psychic business was more him than anything else possibly could be... Raz takes great joy in “pretending” he is a boy, pretending he is a famous psychic...he gets his first cases of gender envy and gender euphoria from magazines of Sasha Nein. Shapes his whole new identity on him because of it.

He comes out to Frazie. Frazie is understanding because she is a psychic and she can sort of secondhand feel what he is feeling and believe it despite social influence that would lead her to not understand what being trans is like. After coming out to Frazie, they decide to start acting like they're playing a game again, just not psychic stuff this time. Frazie makes it clear that they can’t do that anymore. Raz takes on a silly persona oftentimes, and the two act like they're playing a game where Raz is an action hero man. So she gets to keep treating him like a boy all the time. Augustus and Donatella become suspicious when the so-called "game" seems to be taken too seriously, in that everything Raz does seems to be to the end of not being seen as a girl anymore.

Now this is the 80s, but Dona is also from a long history of showbiz. I like to think that Dona had a brother who was exceedingly fruity and on occasions other than performance, gender nonconforming. Meaning that she had been forced to think of the idea of gender fluidity before. Which is part of the reason for her gender nonspecific naming of her children in the first place. Augustus cares very deeply about Raz here and wants to make sure he is faring well with the others. So I think Raz is confronted by Augustus and reluctantly comes out to him when asked if the whole "pretending to be a boy thing" had grown more serious than just some sort of game. Gus was extremely welcoming to the idea, even if he couldn't completely understand it, he was hit with this sudden pang of intense empathy [it's the psychic thing again]. Donatella finds out the result of the conversation thru Gus afterwards. Dona encourages Dion to give Raz his old circus clothes and a few other old things they were holding onto just in case. Dion does not get what is happening. Over time the whole family gets it and they decide it is for the best. Raz has been performing better and has been so much more happy since this development. The only concerning part at this point was his increasing interest in psychics...

Yada Yada the events of PN1 happen. Lili is his first real crush. He never thought a girl would like him back and is honestly thrilled at the development of getting to have a girlfriend like a real boy would. He decides to keep his transness to himself when it comes to Lili. He doesn’t want to feel like an imposter. When Raz gets to meet Sasha, he does everything in his power to make Sasha think that he is the number one coolest boy in the world. Sasha really sees himself in Raz for reasons he can't quite put his finger on...I mean it's not like he acted anything like that at his age. [It's the transness and the 'tism] When Sasha finds out that Raz is trans, he suddenly realizes what it felt like to be Otto all those years ago when he began his mentorship. Raz is scared and embarrassed that Sasha will tell on him but instead receives a cool and collected "It's okay, I used to be [a girl] as well." And Raz is absolutely mind-blown. He can't believe it. The two have a talk about their experiences that is like a much more dry version of he and Otto's past discussion. He doesn't mention that Otto is too, or Milla. The general standard in this universe is that people just don't talk much about being trans publicly. You just have to learn to accept it and adjust. Some of the 80s taboo has to creep in there and make people at least not used to talking about it openly, even if not out of shame.

When Raz finds out about the hormones situation and how it is in fact not illegal drugs fueling an addiction (lol) he goes to Otto like "hang on who all here is like that!! Like me and Sasha?" And Otto is like "oo-hoo doctor-patient confidentiality!" And Raz is like "Please, I just don't want to feel alone!" And now Otto knows that Raz is trans too and he is very happy about this information because to him,  Raz is like the perfect blend between a young version of himself and a young Sasha. And Otto knows he isn't going to use this information for bad so he tells him that it is himself, Sasha, Milla, Norma, and now Raz.

GIANT THUMBS UP. I broke Tumblr a couple times trying to post this.🏳️‍⚧️

[madcatdaderpydrawer-blog]

Just some doodles I did for the idea of brainwashed Eclipse. Basically the idea in this au is sorta similar in a way to the celestial siblings au from churchy in the way that the main villain isn’t Eclipse. Though in my au this is the cult of afton, not William specifically because fuck him I don’t want him to be the villain again. It originates from the fluffy dads au, but if you don’t know what that is basically its Eclipse if he didn’t grow up to be a horrible person. Normally I don’t post it to the actual sun and moon show tab, but seeing others share their aus made me feel a bit more comfortable about it ^^’ As silly as it sounds I’m a bit shy about it, but seeing so many little crossover things with my mutuals made me feel more normal about it! I got some close ups too :D 

He tolerates very little shit. Also he has mechanical arms attached to his back that can click back into place and stretch up to around 10 ft. 

I wanted to draw him without his hair covering his eye, so here that is. The eye he normally covers is artificial. Kind of like a mechanical eye, though it’s very realistic. You can tell it’s fake though cause of it only having the outline.

A close up on the branding and the hidden hatch where the arms come out

A little doodle of his mechanical hand

just a baseline doodle + has the colors of his outfit for anyone who wants to draw him/something related to this au :) which I would absolutely die if that happened rhbgrhg

The brainwashed vs his normal eye color. Brainwashed is a shade of purple due to that color being the one most associated with Afton, but the difference between this and the infected ones is that Eclipse has no infected accessory so to speak. So no he’s not infected cause it’s purple, it’s just a way to show he works for the cult (at least in a way, it’s not entirely willing- it’s called brainwashed for a reason)

For some info on him personally; He’s a very quiet person who expresses very little emotions. He has a lot of trouble socializing with others because he spends most of his time alone in the lab making things, so can come off as really cold and indifferent- his emotional numbness doesn’t help with this. He is a human but doesn’t sleep, period, because he’s found it’s far easier to just use drugs and other machines to keep himself awake 24/7 without going insane. He generally looks at everything in a way of effeciency. If something or someone is efficient, then good. If it’s not efficient, can’t focus for example or being injured, then it needs to be repaired or replaced immediately. Waiting for injuries to heal will take too long. If a bones broken, repair the bone by sticking a metal rod in there. Because waiting takes too long :D. As cold as he acts, and even though he is helping the cult, it’s not really like he’s in the position to refuse. He sees no point in trying. 

Anyways I’d love to see feedback on this guy! Reblogs and comments very appreciated :3

[espeonkin]

Honest question: Why do you refuse to speak a word or even share anything against Israel during this time as someone who has connections to it? Why does defending your view of otherkin and furry drama come before defending the real lives of innocent people being killed?

Your online space is ultimately yours to choose what you do with, but this silence is deafening. Pouring blood sweat and tears fighting against some dumb kin jokes made by a few young teens, yet refusing to make a peep over real life genocide and ethnic cleansing being done by a place you frequently visit, is concerning, to say the very least. Please think about this and do better.

hi, i want to preface this response with the fact that while i am going to try to be as eloquent as possible in this response, this is a stressful topic, and i'm probably going to misspeak or forget to include certain things i mean to say because this was an additionally stressful message to receive. i don't want to come off as though i'm refusing to speak at all, though, which is why i'm responding now, instead of after I've had a bit more time to process everything you've said to me.

first, i'd like to address you saying that i "have connections" to israel and "frequently visit" it. i have absolutely no connection to israel. i have no family that lives there, and i have only been there once, four years ago. the only "connection" i have is that i'm jewish, which i don't consider to be a legitimate reason to say i have a connection to israel or especially its government. is that what you're insinuating here? because i'm jewish i'm connected to the state of israel? when i was there, i was personally very uncomfortable with how militarized everything was and frankly wanted nothing more than to leave, but it was a vacation with my family and rabbi, so i couldn't very well leave and go home on my own. and again. this was four years ago and before i was better informed on what the state of israel has done and is continuing to do.

on that note, the reason why i haven't been speaking on the current events related to israel is because it's a very stressful topic for me and i've been going through a rough mental health patch as is already. i can't begin to describe how horrible it feels to hear the constant claims that these are being taken in the name of the religion that i was born into and holds such deep personal value to me even still. i never asked for this. my jewish friends never asked for this. do you know how it feels to have your parents so thoroughly indoctrinated by propaganda that they call you a traitor to your religion for not believing every word that comes from the israeli government? to try so hard to help them unlearn the propaganda only to be met with such thorough resistance? so. please forgive me if i'm trying to make my little corner of the internet just a bit less stressful for me to exist in.

as for the "why is it more important to you to defend your views of otherkin" part, it's because it's less emotionally taxing for me than a literal real world genocide. it's something personal to me, and i'd like to be able to talk about it when possible, but I would like to emphasize that there have been periods where even this has been too much for me to handle and i've had to back off from the topic at points.

i don't like being told to "do better" here. because the fact of the matter is that i know my limits and talking about a literal genocide for weeks on end is frankly not within them. continually exposing myself to travesty when i know it's not within my limits isn't activism, it's emotional self harm. i also would like to know where you heard that i "frequently visit" and "have connections to" israel. or is that something you just came up with because i'm jewish?

i hope i addressed things eloquently enough. sorry if this isn't what you wanted to hear, or if i forgot anything in efforts to make a faster response. i hope this answer is sincere to you.

[chokkito]

Do you have a story or just a moment, whether it's big or small, about your OCs that you haven't had the chance to share yet? Well, now's your time to do it! Go ahead and spill the beans!

OH BOY DO I HAVE!! Also hope this doesn't flop cause it's a lot!!! (Moreso fun facts than fully fleshed stories but!)

Also TW: Suicide, murder, lobotomy, abuse

- Julia is not an actual orphan per se. Her father is dead BUT her mom is alive, however she was sent to prison for the murder of her husband (with the actual culprit being Julia) since she confessed to it to protect her daughter

- Julia would have connection to Kreacher if she was ingame, since he worked at the orphanage she lived in and stole the money she had been saving to buy her mother's freedom from prison, which would lead her to run away from the orphanage and join the manor's game to get the money

- Because of AOM lore drop, Frederick and "Marie Antoinette" would be related

- Jane Doe's real name is actualy Emilia, she was killed by her friends who wanted to steal her jewerly. The reason why her body was never claimed was because their parents thought she had ran away, so they got rid of everything that was related to her and refused to search for her

- Juliette's husband/wife was a soldier who was killed in battle, but Juliette never knew about it so she went to the manor to search for her wife

- Rayssa's father was a mine owner, i imagine him being the owner of "Golden Cave" (where the incident in Norton's backstory happened) because of the lawsuits he had to fight agaisnt after the incident, he commited suicide and their family name was ruined. She would have gone to the manor to search revenge agaisnt the person who caused the incident, since she believed it was something planned

- Henry's obsession with his beauty came especially from the fact that he was always seen by his looks instead of his abilities with other things, this happening even since he was a child, and his parents just fully let people do it while also complimenting him. If it was not for this fucked up space growing up, he might have been actually normal as an adult

- All the paganini siblings were made to represent one of the 7 deadly sins (Angeline - Luxury, Marie Louise - Envy, Giovanni - Sloth, Pietro - Pride, Emmanuel - Wrath) and i also want to make 2 more so we can have all 7

- Dianna would be not only a manor game participant but also a staff at the manor, coming there to get revenge agaisnt ripper as she was the daughter of one of his victims

- Out of all my characters, i think the most likely to survive their game would be Julia, which is pretty funny to think about

- Marie-Antoinette's delusions come especially because of the "doctor" who was treating her, who abused her frequently and constantly threatned to lobotomize her if she didn't "stay in place" while also gaslighting her into only trusting her (Like 4da and 3mil if it was completely toxic with no love at all)

- Due to Angeline's gigantinism, i imagine her having some troubles walking or standing up for long periods of time

I might have forgot some but anyways!

[sleepy-wyvern]

Welcome to the Wyvern Den!

Little horny goblin Tumblr writer ✍🏼 💙

Hi there! My name is Wyvern, a pen name just for privacy reasons. You can call me Wyvern, Wy, Wyv (she/her) 💙 I'm demisexual & biromantic, and am in my mid 20s. I intend to use this blog as a den for my obsessions and hyper fixations! Feel free to say hello I’d love to chat! :) messages and requests open but please only interact if 18+

Eddie Munson, Steve Harrington, Ghostface (I can fix him), Daemon Targ (I can’t fix him), The Red Viper (he’s perfect already)

SCREAM/HORROR WRITING BLOG HERE (ghost-Wyvern)

My fics are only of characters 18+! please only interact if 18+, minors DNI!

REQUESTS: Open for both blurbs and sketches ♡ more info in FAQ

My Fan Fic master list/post directory

Tag Pages: My Fan Fiction || My Fan Art

Read more for PERMISSIONS & FAQ

💙💙💙💙

Tags I Use- Feel free to block the content you don’t want to see from me if you use a tumblr extension! #wyv rambles #wyv fan art #wyv fan fics #stranger things spoilers #hotd spoilers #scream 6 spoilers

Permissions

You can repost any of my fan art linking back to me for credit. When used as profile pictures and icons you do not need to link back but it’s appreciated. Tracing and editing is allowed so long as you link back to me in the post stating it was a trace/edit of my work. You can use my artwork as a reference to make your own, and so long as many aspects are changed and aren't traced/copied you do not need to provide credit but it is appreciated. My only other no-no is using my artwork for monetary gain!

Requests

Art requests: Stranger things, ghostface and house of the dragon (and generic features viewer). If you would like you or your oc drawn please message me about commissions <3 The only things that I refuse to draw are illegal sexual themes, gore/violence (love choking is fine), bodily fluids other than spit and fe/male love juices. Note I am not very interested in drawing: guns (knives are ok for my ghosty fans , just as a prop!), cars, mech, intricate architecture/background. I’m not an experienced 🌽 artist but I draw a lot of romance

Writing requests: I will respond to whatever prompts I can, I enjoy doing them for inspo! These will generally be blurbs. I currently only write for the scream franchise, ST Eddie, Steve, Billy, Robin (fem!reader only for her) and only fem or gender neutral reader (please specify! <3). I do not write anything that’s illegal in a sexual nature except (soft) public stuff. CNC is fine. No gore/vomit, I'm a bit squeamish- spit, period, and love juices are fine!

FAQ

Can I message you?

to prevent spam my inbox is mutuals only, feel free to send an ask if you would like to get in contact 💙💙💙

Drawing tools?

2.0/0.7mm 2b lead pencil, gum/rubber eraser, moleskine journal, iPad pro 2020, apple pencil, procreate

Why do you draw with a grey canvas?

White backgrounds while drawing give me migraines!

Other Socials?

Just my AO3 for fanfictions here! I have a main tumblr/instagram account that's kept completely private and separate not fandom related and under a different name. I kindly ask to keep these accounts separate (if you happen upon it!) but feel free to message me here if you want to be friends!! This is just for privacy reasons if we become friends I’ll share other socials (I don’t want my family to find this tumblr 😅)

What does your sexuality mean?

I identify as demisexual biromantic as I feel this is the label that fits me best! I do not form a sexual attraction to someone until I have made a connection with them (yep, including fictional characters!) and this can happen with males or females 💕 and this doesn’t happen all the time I make a connection with someone

Other fandoms?

House of the dragon ♡ a song of ice and fire, ghost face, hazbin hotel/helluva boss, corpse party

What games do you play?

Animal crossing, story of seasons, dead by daylight, huniepop, valorant, ffxiv 💙

———

Have a great day my lovely reader

💙💙💙💙

-Wyv

[chaifootsteps]

I relate to Bridget in a trans way, but like, in the opposite direction. Please forgive me for the amount of oversharing I am about to do, I apologize for the wall of text.

When I was a kid, I was the only daughter amongst my siblings. So my mom, ever since I was young, wanted me to be sort of a miniature version of her. Tried to get me to like makeup, dresses, Barbies, the kind of music she liked, you get the idea. Hell, for my first three Halloweens, I was a cheerleader. But my grandmother gave me plastic dinosaurs and my dad gave me his old rock CDs, and I took to playing in the mud and bugs instead of hanging out with other girls, and suddenly it became apparent, even from a young age, that I wasn’t going to turn out to be like her.

And honestly? I think she still resents me for it. She always bought dolls instead of dinosaur toys, and even until college she controlled my entire wardrobe. I couldn’t buy anything without sending her a picture first. She controlled everything I ate because she didn’t want me to get fat, and for a period of time made me weigh myself before I could eat dinner. Entire sections of the pantry were off-limits to me, and only me. She’d force me into makeup and girly clothes whenever we went out, and if I refused, would threaten to cut my long hair because “I obviously didn’t want to look like a girl”. I wasn’t even allowed to be what I wanted for Halloween (a werewolf or anything scary) because she would always break the costume if she didn’t like it.

Even today, there’s a point of contention between us. She loathes the fact that I was able to get myself a suit, loathes the fact that I wear a binder. Says I’ll be mutilating myself if I ever get top surgery, and that I was so, so lucky to be born pretty, that I’m an idiot for wanting to throw that all away. Tells me that, if I do “think I’m a man” that I should tell her now so she can “start to grieve”. Says no one will ever see me as a dude regardless if I don’t cut my hair, and that “people like me” will never get a good job, and that I’ll just end up some “creepy boss’s whore”.

I can relate to that in Bridget, in being forced into something since you were small because your parents thought that would be best for one reason or another. Wanted something else out of you that was never in you in the first place. My relationship with gender is a weird one— I don’t call myself “trans”, just “androgynous”— but in those old lines where he said that he was a boy, I fucking got it. I got repeatedly telling others that it didn’t matter what you looked like, it didn’t matter if your hair was too long or your favorite color was too girly or whatever. It didn’t matter if I didn’t want to change my presentation too much, because I knew who I was inside and I knew how I wanted to be perceived by others, and dammit even if no one else saw it in me, I’d make sure to tell them anyways.

So like, seeing him be forced to be trans by the writers, and hearing that his abusive parents were “always right” in a sense? That maybe he’d figured out he was trans, but “wanted to explore that in his own way”, even if it was entirely fucked up that he was basically pressured into being like that since he was small? Hearing everyone celebrate that because being a girl is somehow “better” than being a guy?

It feels really fucking bad.

First of all, thank you for sharing this, Anon. The way your mom treated you was supremely fucked up; your life was your own, not a vehicle for whatever issues she has. I hope you're doing better now.

You hit the nail on the head. Bridget was never trans, but instead represented something more complicated that applied, like tofu soaking up the surrounding flavors in a pan, to different people all across the spectrum of gender nonconforming things. Like a lot of characters that have ended up in the same boat as Bridget, Bridget represented the feeling of being forced to present as something you weren't, of how ridiculous society could be. He wasn't exactly angsty about it, but the fact that he'd been forced to grow up presenting as a girl (or be in danger) when he didn't see himself as one had undeniably fucked him up a little, to the point where he wore a handcuff representing it, which comes off in the Jam endings. But he always knew exactly what he was, and he was loudly, boldly, unapologetically who he was, which was a guy. For a lot of us, he was our first taste of all of this.

There's this extremely cruel narrative that only "porn sick femboys" are upset about the Bridget retcon, but for a lot of those guys, Bridget was the first one to ever tell them that wearing a skirt didn't make you less of a man. Androgynous people like you related to Bridget. Trans guys like me related to Bridget.

To be told (by a good chunk of people who never touched Guilty Gear before Strive no less) that it's fine if a little kid grows up the way Bridget does, that it was good for it to happen? To be told he was never ours in the first place?

That's so, so fucking shitty.

[josephthesnailshow]

How to Ratatwang Your Panda

Hello, before I start this, I know the grammar in this post will be off, but I hope it's at least in some way understandable. If you’re wondering about the film itself, I'm probably not going to send it to any of you due to legal reasons, but don't worry, I will explain this film to you.

There's a scene in Amazing World of Gumball from "The Treasure" about a movie called "How to Ratatwang Your Panda." The appearance of this movie was made as a parody of two mockbuster films by the Brazilian animation studio Video Brinquedo; however, the movie was planned to be a real television show. I will explain.

The show itself wasn't made for release due to reasons I'm about to discuss later in the post, but instead was used for parody in Gumball. The reason for this was that Warner Bros. wanted to have the creator of this certain show about a white cat with giant cheeks and black patches make it (I forgot the name of the show; correct me if you know), but he never did it until now.

It was mainly for other reasons, like focusing on his show; however, it didn't seem like that; he had intentions for the film, and I got involved with him directing the film.

You see, I was more of an animator at Cartoon Network Studios, and our ideas were low, mostly just doing stupid things like sitting around and drinking all day. The other employees were chill and pretty nice.

How did I get involved with this film? Well, judging by the little amount of experience I had with the 3D software, I did what I could to make a perfect film; unfortunately, my ideas were shut off since the director had darker intentions, and my idea on the title card was self-explanatory, so we went with it.

For the film itself, we modeled a panda as the main protagonist, and the bad rats are the main villains of the film. The panda’s name is Chuck, and our idea for the film was to be our version of Dreamworks’ Kung Fu Panda and Disney Pixar’s Ratatouille, or at least inspired by them.

However, the director had his ideas, and due to the film being his movie, he wanted to make it darker and quite disturbing even for the standards of this company, being, you know, aimed at younger audiences, even though we have Adult Swim; heck, his ideas weren't even for that either.

Before we modeled Chuck, the director wanted to make his own costume identical to the panda model so he could attract children and hold them close as they cried out for their parents. Luckily, we refused this idea, and the director listened to us.

It got weirder the next day when the director started talking about including violent moments that wouldn’t make it to children's TV, and yes, if you’re wondering, he mentioned things about harming children on camera, which wasn’t fitting since the plot was about a panda whose enemy is a group of rats, which is pretty innocent.

Even if we didn’t allow a lot of his suggestions, he still kept everything up, and the film was delayed as he kept wanting disturbing content to be added, such as in 1933, when there was a short called Peanut Vendor and he wanted to include a scene from that short; of course, he wouldn’t include the background song from Red Nichols due to us not owning the rights to it; the creepy part about this short was the design of the monkey itself; and to make matters worse, he wanted to add screaming from children.

While that may not be related, this is what he suggested.

We ended up not including it, but unfortunately, after we left for the day, he snuck into the animating room and started adding his ideas, and to make matters worse, yes, he kidnapped children to do this. How am I aware of this? Well, a friend of mine checks the security cameras periodically, and he shared this with me. We can say that he was definitely creeped out by the thing he was looking at, and I certainly can’t blame him.

However, after the director left, we came back, and nobody in the building knew what happened, so we continued working on the film, played the film on our player, and sat down to watch. The film started with my title card; clearly, this was originally planned to be a show, so I  chuckled, and everybody did. I went to our vending machine, put a coin in the slot, and got my diet coke.

As I came back to the couch, the show started, and the rat that’s on Chuck’s good side asked him to pull out his secret weapon.

What we wanted to do was include a fart joke to make babies laugh, but that wasn’t included, even though we remember adding that. Instead, the scene we got was Chuck taking out a katana and slashing the rats, and their insides came out. Yeah, that’s what we saw; we didn’t care as we could take it out, and as the screen was zooming in on the bodies, it cut to the next scene.

What we saw was disturbing, and half of the other animators weren’t looking at the screen.

It was a person in a low-budget costume, resembling Chuck, with what looked like human eyes; he had stitches over his body; there was a video being played over and over of him grabbing rats and hitting their bodies on a rock until it fractured a bone in their bodies. As this graphic scene was happening, I realized that it might’ve been the director playing Chuck in this scene; I should’ve tried to get him to stop.

Some of the animators who weren’t looking at the screen started looking at the screen, just like everyone else; their pupils got smaller, and they were in pure horror. Suddenly, there were sounds of branches being stepped on, and the camera panned out to see who it was—it was a white cat. Just like Chuck, he was covered in stitches, and he had a plastered smile going from cheek to cheek, He also has black patches on his body.

It was Sammy the Cat; well, that’s who I thought it was, since I remembered that it was a character created by the director of this film.

Anyway, Chuck noticed Sammy, and the cat picked up a sledge-hammer and struck the panda with it, shattering the skull as I heard the crack. Instead of a cracking noise, it was a comedic hitting sound, similar to the sound that the 3 Stooges used. Yeah, I agree that it was pretty random to bring up that show, but it is the same sound.

As the cat was mutilating the costumed panda, he grabbed a stick and started jabbing the stick into his chest until it started cutting into the tissue and damaging the organs. After that, he started drawing numerous characters from other CN shows, such as Ed from Ed, Edd n Eddy, and Chowder from the show of the same name, on the panda’s body while making that unpleasant sound of skin tearing and other disgusting crap. I almost puked in my mouth; a lot of animators did.

After the scene, loud and horrible sounds of children would be audible; they were so loud that every employee in the building heard them. Some of them came to the animating room, and they were horrified by the footage being shown.

It was footage from Peanut Vendor, like I mentioned, and what the director suggested.

The Peanut Vendor was selling peanuts, and yes, the design was as disturbing and the same as the original 1933 film, If Len Lye were here, he would be creeped out by the fact that his film was being used in such a way, The footage then stopped with the monkey staring at the viewer, and the screaming from children stopped.

Everybody in the room was getting uncomfortable with the monkey and the look of it in general; it cuts to the front side of CN, the building we’re inside of right now. However, when I noticed something in the window of the building, the employees and animators allowed me to examine it; clearly, it was something paranormal. If I recall, when my friend was looking at the security footage (he’s in the animating room, by the way), he saw an employee start running in the hallway cameras, followed by a gunshot, He didn’t investigate it; he just focused on the man who snuck into the animating room that night.

It was claimed that the figure in the window was the ghost of the employee who worked here. Also, I would like to point out that we at customer service, if you ever ask us about the death of this employee, would say that there weren't any deaths of any employees here.

However, after the last scene ended, the DVD came out of the player. Luckily, we never aired it, but if you want to watch this DVD, you will never watch it, and if you want to watch it, we took the first scene from this film, brought it back to the original animation with the farting scene, and we gave it to Ben Bocquelet so he could include it as a parody in his episode of Amazing World of Gumball, titled, as I mentioned in the beginning of this post, The Treasure.

We never told him about the directors’ idea of the film or showed him any screenshots; we just gave it to him.

I would like to end this post by saying that if you ever contact customer service, you won’t get the answer you’re looking for, and we will say no to this film ever existing, and we will point all signs to the cleaned-up version of the one used in Gumball; watch that instead.

As always, thank you for reading my post. Make sure to not work with a director whose mind is as dark as a dinner that was in the oven for too long.

[masterofdemise]

(MFB OCs) Fifionne and He Li Hua Info Dump

I came up with some more information on Fifionne and He Li Hua, so I’m going to share them here so I don’t forget about them :p

Fifionne:

Fifionne is not her actual name. Legally, her name is Inari Miyata. Fifi was named after the Japanese God Inari. Her parents named her after the god itself due to their association with harvest, agriculture, and well, foxes. Miyata means "rice paddy of the shrine", also connecting to Inari in a way due to the god also being associated w/ rice.  Since Fifionne's mother is the head of the Inari Shrine in Japan (in my MFB universe), Fifionne herself has a lot of connections related to shrine maiden sort of things (hence her alt outfit I posted 1-2 weeks ago). It hasn’t been decided yet but Fifionne’s dad is some sort of agricultural business man. Fifionne originally used her current name as her English name when she went to a summer exchange program outside of Japan (not sure where but she meets He Li Hua there). 

Fifionne begins to go by this name fully after the Sessho-Seki incident of 2012 (this event occurs ten years earlier than in real-life to align with the Nemesis incident since Fifionne’s evil arc occurs after). Since Fifionne is almost possessed by the spirit of Daji/Tamamo-no-mae in order to corrupt her, Fifionne forgoes her original name to try and separate herself from Inari. When Fifionne finally goes back to normal, she still uses the name Fifionne but also no longer cares if people want to call her by her normal name.

Fifionne’s original bey was a Flame Fox TH170D, but it ends up getting discarded for her new bey, Divine Fox TH170EWD.

He Li Hua:

As a proud member of the Beylin Temple, she is initially very against the Beylin Fist rejoining the Beylin Temple due to the many unjust actions committed by the Beylin Fist, including working alongside Nemesis and attempting to humiliate the Beylin Temple during Metal Fury. As someone who cares a lot about balance and harmony, she refuses to allow Aguma and the others to join the Beylin Temple unless they are able to prove they can really change for the better. This is not helped by Li Hua seeing the Beylin Fist as a nasty stain in Beylin Temple’s history and also seeing them as inferior. Team Wang Hu Zhong is split between letting in the Beylin Fist as Li Hua makes a reasonable point in her argument. She challenges Aguma to a bey battle to settle the dispute, but they draw after Li Hua realizes Aguma proves himself. Although Li Hua is still very weary and cautious of the Beylin Fist members for a period of time, she learns to get along with them and they eventually become friends some years before the events of Zero-G/Shogun Steel.

Fifionne and He Li Hua:

The two of them have some similar design motifs, mainly their hair and earrings. Fifionne has mostly white hair as many of Inari’s messengers (the god) are pure white kitsunes. However, Fifionne does not have pure white since she herself is not fully connected to the god due to her not really caring much about her shrine duties at all (hence her leaving home to pursue different paths). 

Li Hua has a white to transitioning black hair to resemble Chinese ink wash paintings. This goes with the rest of her design, which is mostly achromatic asides from a few accent colors spread throughout.

Fifionne and He Li Hua are both best friends, meeting each other during a Summer exchange program. They got along very well and have been keeping in touch with one another ever since. Their earrings on matching sides is a symbol of their everlasting friendship. This is especially so since the two of them have associations with longevity and immortality.

Even though they seem quite similar to one another, their ideals and perspectives are quite different. He Li Hua is a lot less selfish or willing to step on others to get what they want in comparison to Fifionne. Fifionne is not afraid to be mean or pull nasty tricks to get what she wants.

He Li Hua is much more traditional in comparison to Fifionne. While He Li Hua is happy to maintain her strict family traditions, Fifionne couldn’t care less about working as a shrine maiden at all. While she loves that her family has such a strong connection to foxes, Fifionne has no interest in confining herself to the family temple. She is more adventurous by nature, and wants to have the freedom to pursue the things she cares for most. It’s not to say He Li Hua or Fifionne is better in what they want to do, people have unique interests and the two are no different. 

-

Here is just some of the information. I have quite a lot of things to say about design elements for the two of them but that would make this post infinitely longer so I think I’ll save that for another time...

[choicesmc]

How easy is it to make them cry?

Are they trusting or do they refuse to trust?

How do their friends and family think of them?

Do they have a found family?

for rin my beloved <33

also a bonus q but not related to trauma: is rin part of any clubs, sports, teams etc in hartfeld? how is her relationship like with the others in the club? if not, what piques rin's interest in extra-curricular activities? like what should a club 'be' so to speak, to have rin take an interest in it?

thank you mads!!

1.How easy is it to make them cry? 

"Shut it,” she growled at herself, watching each falling drop reflect in the light. Her sleeves had made quick work with the initial burst of tears, patting and rubbing and wiping until they were damp with the stuff.  “You’re not a damn baby,” Rin scoffed into the mirror, hands wiping away another stream, “You’re being stupid. What’s tears ever done for you?”

Goodluck [salute] with that trooper! (Not really, please don’t make Rin cry—)

It is hard to make her cry. Rin is allergic to crying (not even on purpose anymore). It makes her feel awkward and tender and far too vulnerable than she’s comfortable with. (There’s also that during her formative years her mom + grandma would get angry with her for crying for too long, or too hard, or too much, or really any reason —but Rin refuses to acknowledge that that might play a role too)

So when she cries, it’s the buildup for far too much for far too long. And she hates it. She’ll insist she isn’t crying. Once the tears fall, she wipes them away even if she can’t stop them she won’t make a sound. Suffering in silence is her default. 

2. Are they trusting or do they refuse to trust?

“Rin, what the hell?”  “What?” Rin shrugged. “Don’t get me wrong ‘n all. Love ya, but never asked for all this,” she gestured between them.  “I ain’t gonna be more than this,” she brushed a curly strand from her face, tucking it behind her ear, “and certainly not for you.”  A myriad of emotions splayed across her roommates face. First confusion, then embarrassment, before settling on resolve. “Fine then,” the boy turned, flopping into his bed, “since that’s what you want.”

Rin is careful with her trust. When she was younger, she went through her period of full trusting and then dove straight into no trusting but… she’s grown from then. 

Now, she’s wary but willing. Rin doesn’t mind people around her, but it takes a long time before she starts to place a little faith in the people she finds herself around. If it makes more sense, she’ll treat everyone like a situational friend —tolerable under certain conditions (say a shared class) but with no real expectations for friendship or friendliness from that person.  

She’s very much developed the attitude that she shouldn’t have expectations because you will disappoint her or disappear or both. So she’ll keep you around, sure, but y’all aren’t friends. Not even close. She don’t trust you and would prefer you didn’t trust her either. 

3. How do their friends and family think about them?

Okay love this one!! 

Her biological father - doesn’t think about her. I’m not certain whether or not he still remembers her. (as in i haven’t decided yet) 

Her mom - wants to repair their relationship. She regrets leaving Rin all those years ago but Rin’s not really interested. She’s very much other vying for her mother’s approval/basing her emotions off of how her mother feels about her. [i actually have fic here about this exact thing.] 

Her step-father - Yeah. No. Sometimes pops into his head just at random. But not much beyond that. Last time he saw her was when she was six.

There is one more family member but I kinda wanna leave it a surprise for now so…! 

For what it’s worth: Rin resents most of them to varying degrees but refuses to acknowledge her resentment and pretends that: Actually She’s So Over It And Has Moved On Like Such A Long Time Ago That It’s Not Even Funny To Suggest That She Still Has Problems, Okay?! 

4. Do they have a found family?

Yes. A mom and two aunts. Christine is her found mother. She can be straightforward when she wants but is incredibly coy otherwise. And being perceptive, she’s often the first to notice things though she doesn’t address them unless someone else brings it up first. 

By the time Rin enters college, Christine’s been dead for a while. But Rin still remembers her fondly and cherishes her aunts extra to make up for it. 

Her aunts are Raven and Amelia. Raven is quiet and usually keeps to herself. She doesn’t talk much when she’s not around her partners, so when she does it’s important. It took her the longest to come around to Rin. Never hated her, was just awkward and Rin was thorny, it wasn’t till she realized they had a shared history of abuse that the pair started to really bond. 

Amelia is sarcastic and cold. She’ll tell it like it is and cuts through bullshit. Something that both pleased and annoyed Rin way back when. Rin ended up taking a lot of qualities from Amelia, she’s kinda Rin’s role model. 🤷‍♀️ (And Amelia is patient beyond understanding like frfr, she taught Rin for years —catching her up in all the core subjects and then some). 

She’s a regular visitor to MCI-Framingham where they currently are. 

[BONUS] is rin part of any clubs, sports, teams etc in hartfeld? how is her relationship like with the others in the club? 

Yes!! She’s in Hartfeld on the Second Chance Scholarship (the one Zig and Chris set up!!) so she is required to be in one. She joined the Community Appreciation Club —basically volunteer service in the local/state community. Rin loves it. She gets to interact with the place she lives and actually feel like she’s helping and is a positive influence on the people around her. 

The other people, though, is a different matter. There are a lot of sorority women which makes things tense. Rin and they have wildly different socioeconomic backgrounds that causes a lot of friction and takes Rin a while to get comfortable around them and vice-versa. There are some other people that Rin has a better time getting along with, but I haven’t thought about them enough to say anything definitive just yet. 

this took so looong, im so sorry mads 😭 but i really did enjoy answering all the questions (and I am working on the other one you sent in!!)

thank you for stopping by!!

[ashadowofburnedoutstardust]

Dear Edwin revisionist troll,

It sure would be a shame if I reposted with a screenrecording instead of what you've tried to claim to others is fake screenshots and actively Blaze the post the next time he actually has something to promote just to fuck with your "hard work" but this time doing it with the related details to the scam and what else was enquired about in that conversation that he shouldn't have known about without someone in the LSA groups watching to then tell him about it

For example asking about a particular persons selfie with a particular famous person taken on that persons birthday that was only ever shared in a private group on LSA that was also a detail included in the doxxing threats sent to Maddy, who also later happened to run a private group on LSA and claimed to have a source living in MA "who knew" about fishstick being there

That info could only have to have come from Maddy or someone who was inside the Private groups at the time to know it existed, I mean I know you have spies etc on those threads and in the groups but, I mean, C'mon, try a little bit of subtlety for a change

I realise you're also trying to clean the affair rumours of the Chocolate executive and the co-star but there's no need to get so butthurt when I refuse to respond to your "Edwin is a troll" ask the way you want me to after sending me threats of getting sued to get me to "remove" the posts

But to then go and bother other blogs with your nonsense asks to clean it up and bury it with confusing nonsense to buy yourself more time to figure out how you approach the Aly/Georgia saga (which in my opinion actually helps his case because they were both FAR better options than fishstick and it undermines the "serious" storyline that would significantly hurt him if the real reasons the fandom is upset got further out into mainstream)

If the idea is to clean up the other rumours to make a clean space for fishstick to exist in any favourable light of being a "serious" contender for a significant other for whatever remains of this "PR contract period", then you've severely underestimated how much she and her presence and the way she's been shoved down everyone's throats over the last 8 months has fucked off the entire fandom and just plain embarrassed him in the eyes of the GP

It's just internet gossip rumours and the fandom is bored for something other than the racist PR gf to talk about because we are sick of the sight of her face and the sound of her various names

It's not that deep and doesn't require so much concerted effort on your part, we manage just fine ourselves without your "direction"

If you think it's bad on Tumblr you've clearly never walked the threads in the private groups on LSA yourself

We don't work for you ✌️

Just let us have our fun FFS, we're bored and there's no dog pics (or man buns) available to distract us with

Here's an idea, stop sending out asks that mention her at all, stop trying to discredit, undermine, and gaslight the fandom into believing something else happened now that you've gotten him to delete his tweets about it all and just leave us to our own devices

The proverbial cat is away, don't make the mice have to start a revolution

The man has a messy love life, so the fuck what? Any fan worth their salt is WELL aware of how things seem to go for him in that department, and know it sometimes ends up a bit of a mess because of his "mercurial" nature

He only had an internet BF image with the GP, not his own fandom, they know him too well, I remember the initial warnings from older fonts about his tendency for a messy love life, and to prepare myself, even they ended up shocked with the ensuing result getting stuck with THAT, no wonder he's been walking around in a Pissy mood ever since

How about this instead?

He goes and works on himself, like genuinely goes and works on himself, figures out what the fuck it is that he actually wants, finds someone that honestly makes him happy, settles down, everyone can "be happy" for him, and then we don't have to go over any of the past again when we're bored because it can finally be put behind us all

And the fandom doesn't get used as fodder for the blame of the fuckups perpetrated by his inadequate PR team and management, and/or whoever the fuck else landed us and him in this fucking PR nightmare?

Sound good?

Personally:

I hope he fires everyone that was involved, they are supposed to be paid PROFESSIONALS that should have known better and protected him better from the likes of that twisted bitch

Lands a really decent dramatic role and wins some award for it

Then waves it in their faces while flipping them off and giving all the credit to his new team just to rub it in just that little bit more

I don't know if you've cottoned on to this bit yet but it's not HIM we're actually mad at.......but we are tired of getting messed with for someone's agenda and the attention seeking tendencies of his so called friends

But by all means, show us who you really are

💜🪽🌟

[theatomichero]

the last time charlie overheated like this was almost a decade ago in the orphanage. strong emotions or high periods of unease often took a toll on his body. charlie was almost always drenched in sweat every night until he found methods to calm down and manage his anxiety. he'd much rather keep the rather embarrassing issue a secret. however, he doubted matthias wouldn't notice when they're sharing a room. besides, the russian man seemed to have his own ways of combatting stress. matthias has been exuding much more cold than normal recently. even charlie was able to catch on to how the psychic attack greatly affected his roommate. "i didn't want to seem nosy or pry into your business," he began, knowing matthias preferred to keep to himself. "but... are you okay?" his eyes met the other super's gaze, expressing a level of sympathy and understanding.

he nodded his head at the russian man's hesitancy and outright demurral at the invitation. plenty of people refuse to seek help, thinking they could fight their mental battles by themselves. however, charlie knew the consequences of struggling alone. he always felt better after a session with father's therapist. it was like she had superpowers herself and had the ability to make anyone who saw her feel instantly at ease. still, he wouldn't press matthias about the subject any further. "i completely respect your decision." no reason to get into an argument or make the situation worse. "remember i'm here for you, though," charlie assured him with a warm smile.

one single sentence allowed him to understand and relate to what matthias was going through. charlie's own childhood was rough. in fact, he didn't know many supers who had pleasant lives before coming to paragon. otherwise, why else would they willingly sell their souls to a pharmaceutical company in exchange for fame and fortune? matthias clearly has suppressed some traumatic memories in the back of his mind. whatever that caped villain did, brought back painful recollections and echoes of the past long forgotten. "i can't imagine what i'd do if something similar is done to me," he confessed, knowing his mental fortitude left a lot to be desired. if they were to encounter the telepath again, charlie had very little in terms of protecting himself from another psychic attack. "there are things i don't want to remember either."

the hiss made charlie immediately withdraw his hand. he's never experienced anyone reject his touch before. however, matthias had a good reason for reacting in such a manner. as someone who enjoyed the cold, the russian man didn't take too kindly to sources of heat. and for a guy whose powers were compared to the radiant sun, charlie understood why his otherwise intimate gesture was unwanted. "i can tell," he teased with a playful snicker. had charlie still been working on street corners or some nightclub in the red district, he may be a little offended. guys typically do the opposite of retracting any time his fingers met bare skin. "i won't melt your polar icecaps, you have my word." his lips peeled back to reveal yet another smile.

hands behind his back, charlie proceeded to sit up. "what if... i asked you to keep touching me? i like the feeling of you cooling me down," he remarked, allowing his chest and torso to be exposed for the icy hero. this way, his roommate had the opportunity to explore and adapt to charlie's unnatural warmth without any added pressure. he was simply a blank canvas for matthias to paint on. slowly but surely, he reached to intertwine their fingers should matthias allow him. "heat and cold. light and dark. total opposites, but one can't exist without the other." the blond watched in utter fascination as steam was produced from their combined powers.

In all honesty – despite not being a fan of Charlie’s powers – Matthias respected his roommate and held him in a high regard. He was Paragon’s golden boy. The poster child for every promotion they could think of in order to recruit more people like them. Matthias was not JEALOUS of that. In fact, he was actually thankful that someone else other than him was the go-to face to bring other people with abilities into the fray. He lacked the presence that Charlie had, the natural magnetism that drew people to him. He was more of a guy that liked to stay in the back rather than under the spotlight. And now that he was learning more about how Paragon worked, how vital it was for them to look good and make the most out of social media and represent their brand in a way that made people both proud and fascinated… Matthias was starting to realize the weight such trivial tasks had on his roommate. To be perfect all the time. To be the ever shining golden boy. The tension between the two was palpable at all times. It was fire and ice. Hot and cold. They were complete opposites from one another in more ways than one and right now – they were both seeking to find a middle ground where they could… BOND. Charlie had always been friendly towards him and he had always made him feel comfortable but the Russian was not someone who was into that sort of thing. He was starting to get the hang of the whole talking to others and being there but… there was still a long road ahead. However, in that moment – Matthias pushed past his own insecurities in order to help someone who had been through the same as he did. Getting mind fucked by some freak in a cape. “I don’t do therapist.” He was adamant on that. No matter what people would say or do – his demons were his own and he would not share what was going on inside his mind with a stranger. The woman could be a goddess for all Matthias cared. He would not do it. He would rather impale himself in burning irons than to share the thoughts in his mind with a stranger that could use that sort of information against him. He didn’t trust other people. Especially not a THERAPIST. But if Charlie wanted to see one – go ahead, by all means. It wouldn’t make him lose any sleep. And if that would help his roommate, he should definitely go for it. At the question of what he did see… Matthias entire body tensed. That COLD shiver danced down his spine, his right hand closing into a fist the moment he felt the tremors about to return. “Made me remember things as child.” Of his begging his parents to let him stay. Of being dragged away into the snow and tossed into a deep hole in the ground that happened to be a bunker. The fear was still there, buried under all the ice and snow. The feeling of being helpless and most importantly USELESS creeping under his skin. He couldn’t do anything back then, just like he couldn’t do anything now. He had failed to kill the other super – and he only succeeded in helping Dylan because Morgan screamed his name and snapped him out of whatever nightmare he was locked on. He was USELESS. It was just a matter of time until everyone else realized how much of a fraud he was.

A HISS came out of Matthias lips when he left the warmth spreading over his bare thigh – not out of pain or some sort of bad way – but out of surprise. He could feel Charlie’s heat radiating against his leg, those long fingers mere inches away from the towel he kept wrapped under his waist – the same way as Charlie could feel his natural cold spread over his back. But ice couldn’t freeze flames and flames could melt ice. “That… feels funny.” The Russian was TRYING to fight back the discomfort. He was not used to warm temperatures and Charlie’s hand on his thigh was the warmest thing he had ever felt other than being within close proximity of his roommate. “I really… dislike the warmth.” Nothing against Charlie, the human furnace – but the Russian really had a thing against heat sources. “It does not hurt but… Makes me feel like I will… melt?”

[rubsjuice]

How I write Gaster: A Stylistic Guide

I roleplay Gaster a lot and I was talking to a friend and they mentioned how they had trouble characterizing him, and since many of my friends compliment my Gaster interpretation I thought it would be fair to write a little breakdown of how I write him

This isn't a "this is the Right and Correct way to write him" thing, of course. This is my own interpretation, based on what little we have of him both in entry 17, the tweets, and the vessel creation sequence (we're assuming they're all Gaster here rather than some unknown entity yet to be revealed). If you disagree with something I write in this guide, it's perfectly fine, of course!

I'll start with typing quirk breakdown, which is the more general and universal thing, and then go a bit more detailed with writing style and personality. Feel free to let me know what you think!

Typing Quirk

- ALL CAPS;

- DO NOT CONTRACT WORDS. When apostrophes are needed, like in indication of possession, you should use a space in place of them ("GASTER S TYPING QUIRK");

- USE PARAGRAPH BREAKS

AS NATURAL PACING MARKERS

AND ALSO

AS COMMA SUBSTITUTES

USE PERIODS SPARINGLY.

- PASSIVE VOICE IS TO BE USED OFTEN. Avoid statements with personal pronouns ("I", "me", "myself", "my/mine"), but don't eliminate them completely;

- REPEAT EMPHATIC WORDS

VERY

VERY

OFTEN

(Such as "very", "really" and "so"; consider also having him repeat words or phrases for emphasis, such as "yes, yes");

- British spelling. Put those Us in. Give him all those britishisms, and don't be afraid of making him say antiquated phrasal constructions ("DO YOU RECKON", "VERY WELL", "TUPPENCE FOR YOUR THOUGHTS").

Writing Style

His speech pattern is hard to parse for sure. Consider writing things as meandering and circular as possible (one of my favorite deltarune variables goes something like "HOLE_FROM_WHICH_A_DOG_COMES", which might be the gasteriest thing I can think of), with lots of metaphors that sound ethereal and often nonsensical at first glance. Study the deltarune chapter release tweets if you're having trouble grasping the idea: Gaster is extremely polite and servicing when he speaks. Based on the vessel creation sequence, you can also make him prompt answers from whoever he's talking to often.

He rambles about things, but in a pure infodump way. Consider also writing him employing a lot of ominous comforting ("YOU WILL GET BETTER. YOU HAVE NO CHOICE." type stuff).

If you're following the interpretation that he is a cosmic eldritch being with godlike powers after being scattered across time and space, consider also having him say information he does not have realistic access to; HOWEVER, in roleplaying spaces, utilize this VERY RESPONSIBLY and with consent of every other player involved. GODLIKE POWERS REQUIRE GODLIKE RESPONSIBILITY.

My Personal Interpretation

Gaster, in his core, is a very, very smart scientist. That much we know. He's also very polite and servicing, as per tweets and vessel sequence: he's happy to see you! He loves sharing his creation with you. He's a brilliant scientist who wants nothing more than some company, after being scattered across time and space and completely forgotten by everyone he ever loved.

Gaster is socially starved, and fondly regards his creations, as a beautiful thing to be treasured and appreciated. He coded (or at least started to) Deltarune for us! He created a whole game just to make a player happy. What a soft-serve little guy.

I borrow a lot of his mannerisms from the skelebrothers as well, as a way to approach him to them since they're hinted to be related. For this reason, Gaster is a prankster at heart, enjoys puns of every caliber and rejoices in the possibility of making them. He's also got a massive ego: he thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread, because in his understanding he's so smart he might as well be. With pride and ego, comes stubborness: Dr. Wingdings "famously forgot or refused to install railings on the maintenance catwalks in his gargantuan geothermal magical project" Gaster

(As a sidenote, while the egomania is inspired by Papyrus, it's important to note that, while Gaster is full of himself, Papyrus' self-centering comes from a place of mimicking others, rather than being part of his personality, as we see throughout Undertale. Perhaps it's a learned behavior whose origins have been forgotten?)

Besides being a prankster, he's also a goofball. "What is your favorite blood type"? This guy has done nothing but survive off forgotten seasonal anime for years and years. He calls people on his phone inside his void with a shitty ass reception just so he can talk about FNAF lore. He's a god with the power of creating and modifying whole worlds... And he's got abandonment issues that almost reach desperation

I have a lot of other thoughts on him, little details and rules on how his body and powers work, but those are very minute and particular and I don't think they belong in a guide/character breakdown. I might write a part two to focus just on them if people want, though!

Basically gaster is my goop grandpa and i care him :)

[dodo-begone]

The Mistake has Arrived

Pairing: Yan!DSMP!Techno, Yan!Ranbob!, Yan!Ranbutler x Reader

Request: Do you do continuations? If so could you make a part 2 with for the "mistakes were made" (aka the pregnancy one)? Like how they would act when the child is like actually born and causing mischief?? Please and thank you!

Summary: It seems that, after the baby arrives, things seem to change. It's hard to describe because things didn't change much yet at the same time managed to be the complete opposite of what they were before. Or maybe you hadn't noticed these things before. Who knows.

Word count: 2.1k

Warning: yandere, nsfw joke at the end of Ranbob’s section

Part 1 | Mistakes were Made

If this ever looks wonky/glitched, I have this properly archived on Ao3

A/n: the first part was implied AFAB reader because of pregnancy- and it probably still is but pregnancy is barely mentioned in this.

Techno

So remember when this man was absolutely terrified for you and the baby? Yeah that doesn’t get alleviated. If anything, that fear gets worse.

You holding the child, the perfect combination of you two, makes him truly realize how fragile the baby is. Like hello? This thing is his? And so tiny? Like a potato, a large one at that but still a potato?

Potatoes are fragile. Babies are fragile. Baby is like a potato, which makes them ultra fragile- oh NO.

Let’s get this straight; Techno is the infamous blood god. This huge hulking piglin hybrid who can easily kill anyone in arm’s reach. And then you got this tiny defenceless baby that is related to him? Like he knows how this thing works but it just feels surreal.

This anxiety feeds his distaste for holding his own child. He’s a monster and that’s a sweet innocent baby. He is going to severely harm the baby by even holding it. You never know what could happen- plus you need some mother-child bonding. It’s very important. Yes you may have been carrying that baby for 9 months but some more physical touch goes a long way. It grounds it more into reality for you. Yeah, that’s totally the reason.

The behavior can only last so long though. Eventually Techno would have to bond with his kid, hold his kid. You were getting fed up with how long he was taking. His anxiety over the situation was obvious and you were giving him space. So you did, but it’s been months and he still refuses to even touch them. His avoidance is annoying and it has to come to an end. And you will make sure it will.

One day, while he was relaxing and reading, you gently plop the baby onto Techno and go do some household chores that are usually hard when you have to keep an eye and ear out for the kid at every second.

Techno and the kid have a shared moment of “wtf” because the baby saw this thing before but he never touched it before. And they were left on it? By mother? Techno is internally freaking out while this baby tries to crawl on him. Really they’re just pulling at his hair and clothing. Anything they can get their grubby little hands onto. And gum on whatever they can get into their mouth. Oh god, this is going to be a long… period of time. He doesn’t really know when you’ll come back for them but he hopes it’s soon.

It’s safe to say that you did not come to Techno’s rescue in a swift manner. You made sure to take your time doing everything that couldn’t be properly done. Like cleaning or cooking a proper meal. Cooking had been left up to Techno mostly, and you really appreciated that he took that up and made good food but someone can only handle potato based dishes for so long. It was about time that something else was made. The potatoes needed a break.

When you come back to Techno and the baby, you’re so pleased to see that they’re having a little bonding moment. The baby was calm and Techno was finally relaxed in what felt like a century. Everything was perfect.

Techno was reading Sun Tzu’s The Art of War and your sweet baby child had long dozed off in his arms. Techno either didn’t notice or didn’t care and kept reading aloud, though it was mostly likely that he wanted to start education young. Even in their sleep. He started the education process already, in a way, by reading The Art of War to your pregnant stomach for months on end. You’d long grown tired of it, but the sight and sound of Techno reading still warmed your heart.

Ranbob

Nothing changes on his knowledge of babies. Not much, anyways. Some of the information he knows on babies came directly from you. The rest came from books found around Mizu.

In theory, he knows what to do. He read up on everything he’d need to know, after all. But in practice, it’s a whole different story. Anxiety occasionally comes to haunt him but he easily waves it off. He knows what he’s doing.

When Mizu was still populated, he observed the lives of others. There wasn’t much to do besides that. Children weren’t an uncommon sight. But babies? Now that wasn’t a common sight. Not many people brought their babies out. Nor were there many.

It’s understandable for him to not know exactly how to raise a baby. Unless you raised or helped to raise a baby, you aren’t exactly well versed in baby and are therefore slightly unprepared for said baby.

Though compared to children, he’s actually more prepared to care for the baby since there were so many books about baby care and stuff they’d need. Children are a whole different beast.

With children, it’s a more individual case-to-case deal. There aren’t any parenting guides on children. Well, there are. Though they all differ from each other. Each book has its own descriptions on why a behavior is happening and how to handle or fix it. So many differing opinions that overlapped were overwhelming. Ranbob soon came to the conclusion that childcare is more interpretive. Based on the child’s personality.

That’s way in the future though. Now he has to deal with a baby. A fragile little thing. It’s perfect in every way.

Now his anxiety starts to get the better of him. He’s so much bigger than it, much stronger. The baby is completely at his mercy and he is anxious that something bad may happen to it. Realistically, though, nothing bad is going to happen to his little family.

Once he holds the baby for the first time, all previous anxiety is taken by the wind. All that remains is absolute adoration. This leads to him caring for the baby almost entirely. Or when it’s least convenient for you, that is.

Like when your babe cries late into the night. Witching hour cries. Everytime without fail, he’d awaken and swiftly make his way to the nursery. All in an attempt to allow you to sleep. You’ve already done so much work to make the child. The least he could do was wake up and care for them. Plus you still looked so tired.

Although Ranbob was tired when morning came, it didn’t matter when you came out well rested. Or much better than the day before. Each day was a slight victory in his books. He only wanted the best for you, anyways. If sacrificing a few hours of sleep meant that you’d sleep better, then so be it.

He views your child as a blessing from Dream himself. A symbol of the union between you two. Just absolute perfection. Oh how lucky he is to have you and especially fortunate to have a child with you. His god has seen his hard work and has gifted him with so much more than he deserved. But he’d take it all the same.

If you two “accidently” had another kid, he’d be more than happy. Yes, he’s content and happy with the child you two already have. His life is perfect now. But if another addition just happened to come along? Well who is he to deny his god’s will?

aka he wants to weaken his pullout game to have another kid with you. One kid is enough but two? Oh that’d be swell!

Ranbutler

Compared to the previous two, Ranbutler’s reaction to the baby’s arrival would be labeled as “different”. Techno feared for his child, Ranbob was anxious, but Ranbutler? This man is ecstatic! Oh my gosh you two finally have a kid. Isn’t this just great?

His excitement level is astronomical. Come on, this man literally acts like this baby is going to achieve world wide peace or something. Like Jesus Christ incarnated. That’s the level of excitement he’s at.

Right from the get-go, Ranbutler is almost desperate in his attempts to hold the baby. Please? Pretty please? Why can’t he hold your baby? Our baby? Though as… desperate as he is to hold his child, he doesn’t want to disturb important mother-child bonding. Even if you carried them for around nine months, it’s still vital that you actually bond to your baby. Skin-to-skin early on is important.

At the next available time, most likely when you’re asleep or on the verge of sleeping, he’ll gently remove the child from atop your chest. Of course he’d go to the next comfiest and secure place he can and allow for some skin-to-skin between him and the baby.

According to some studies, skin contact with a baby supposedly “awakens” maternal or paternal and he was more than happy to test that out. If it worked? Then that’s great! If it didn’t work? What was the harm? It’s all good in the end.

Because of the nature of his job, you often don’t see him during the day. Both a blessing and a curse. This leaves you alone to care for the baby until he comes back. Even then, it wasn’t a guarantee that he’d help. That’s what you thought, at least.

No matter how exhausted he was or how irate he was from Billiam, the sight of your and the baby always made everything right in the world. All problems just dissolved away, becoming unimportant whispers of responsibilities.

Responsibilities that seemed to come from a whole different reality. Here, at home, the mess that’s Billiam doesn’t exist. Won’t ever affect his lovely little world.

Sometimes he comes home extremely late. So late that you already went to sleep, along with the baby. Occasionally you would try to stay up for him to come home. You were laying on the couch with the baby on your chest, what else was he to presume? That was obviously what you were doing, right?

On those nights, he would sit by you and just watch. Basking in the calm energy you exude. Even without talking to him, you always had a way of calming him down. Of making him feel loved and appreciated.

He would also take care of the baby's needs at night. With his occupation as Billiam’s servant, it really wasn’t the best idea, but he assured you that he would be fine. After all, he couldn’t bond with the baby during the day, so that only left the night. Even if it was menial tasks, he found solace in the presence of the family he was creating,

A question that kept reappearing was how he managed to get such a wonderful partner. One so willing to have a child with him. Deep down, he knew the actual answer, but it was hidden under so many layers of delusions that it’d be better and easier not to deal with that mess.

Now that you had the baby to care for, he was much more willing to leave you alone while he went to work. Yes, sometimes he still brought you into the room with The Egg. But that was only because you seemed stressed the day, night, or morning before he left.

How could he just leave his precious to flounder around so helplessly? A baby can easily be overwhelming. The Egg was more than willing to help you.

The kid, although a beautiful culmination of the love between the two of you, also symbolized another thing. They were a shackle, keeping you tethered to him.

There was no way you’d be able or wish to escape in such a fragile condition. Especially with the baby. How could you risk the life of something so innocent? Of something that did absolutely nothing wrong besides existing. You wouldn’t be such a horrible monster, would you? No, he knows you. Knows that you wouldn’t do that.

Once he has a taste for parenthood, he’s practically addicted. He absolutely loves it. Loves you. Why not have another? And another? And another?

Let’s be honest, he might just want a small herd of kids. Not many, like four or five. A few more wouldn’t do too much harm, but he doesn’t want to overwhelm you. After all, you’d be around them the most, being the primary caretaker for them all.

The desire for a large family comes into direct conflict with his desire to not make you overwhelmed and overworked. It was a hard battle, but he convinced himself that maybe just one more wouldn’t hurt. Just one more, and that’ll be the last he’ll want.

He’ll say that for the next three he plans to have with you. Can men get baby fever? If they can, then this man definitely would have it, just saying.