#putting on the imitation game soundtrack for this lol

[catboyroycebracket]

out of curiosity what abt people drawing characters as red + mr nobody and then calling it a transistor au do you like? no hate I’ve just never seen anyone with strong feelings on the subject haha

short answer: im mean. i hate shipping. i hate fandom culture. long answer:

i dont like shipping very much to begin with. i prefer more concrete analysis of what is actually in a given storys text. if theres romance, theres romance. if there isnt, there isnt. if theres romantic subtext/implications, its fun to analyze. i might humor the idea of characters in non-canon pairings, but i do not enjoy shippy fanfic. i do not see the fun in engaging with romance-centric media/fanfic constantly and/or squeezing 2-3 ships one becomes obsessed with out of every story one engages with. i find that most people that are really into shipping to the point of making/enjoying "[setting] aus" of the ships they like are seeking substantial romantic threads when there are none to be found in the source story. just read a different more romantic story lol. theres lines between "lets imagine the characters in a different setting" and "lets imagine if this pairing i like was recognized in-text" and "lets imagine the characters as a pairing in a different setting specifically so i can play out how i want them to kiss like theyre my dolls". like... sure, thats fine, but it bores me personally, and i get mad with it when it sort of tramples on the related characters or stories in favor of shipping.

transistor is a complete and self-contained story that centers on romance. it isnt a little template to force whatever jigsaw pieces youre currently interested in into. thats a really sad way to treat stories. aus are fine and fun im not your boss but almost all of these "transistor aus" are not actually about transistor. its all "what if my current favorite character couple was exactly like the transistor couple?" with no thought put into it past "its angsty". it feels like people are treating transistor as a source of inspiration towards something "more important" rather than recognizing it as its own whole work. transistor as a story employs tropes but its just the one story thats exactly like this... there is no "transistor trope". its not a widely recognized work thats commonly imitated/parodied. no one else goes through exactly what these two protagonists went through within the same game for it to be an in-story trope. no other unrelated characters fit the story's exact bill in a believable way, because they are from other stories.

in another life if the game was massively popular and genre-defining (lol) enough to bring that opening pose to an iconic status i wouldnt have a problem with all this. but it literally isnt. its an indie game thats popular enough to have people adore its soundtrack for life, yet very few people are actually talking about the game on tumblr in 2023. people keep posting about their limited tip of the iceberg perception of the game exclusively as a vehicle for unrelated ships. do you understand how frustrating that is??? people feel the emotional impact of transistors story and care deeply for its protagonists but halt their analysis of it there. its "this romance is tragic and i like it, how can i adapt it to my interest in shipping?" rather than "wow, i like this story that contains a romance, lets explore the full cryptic plot of the game as a cohesive and whole story".

i hate those aus because they betray an embarrassingly surface level understanding of red and mr nobodys deals + the entire games setting and plot + an obsession with shipping im too old to care for :/ the main tag on this site most often updates to have one of these aus rather than more straightforwardly on-topic posts. or at least it feels that way for me, someone who dislikes them lol. its really saddening to see an already overlooked indie game with a rewardingly complicated and hard to uncover plot (that most players dont bother to engage with) go further unengaged-with in favor of a butchering of a uniquely tragic and well written romance.

(spoilers if youre somehow unfamiliar yet on my blog) mr and mrs transistor's entire dynamic is born from the fact theyre a famous celebrity singer and unnamed off the grid bodyguard couple in love to the point of dying for one another within their strange futuristic 1930s-esque cyberpunk setting. they have specific disillusionment and despair problems tied to the city they love, and an over-willingness to die for one another. they kept their romance/engagement a secret, and thats why the guy is killed. red is running from robots that are trying to kill her. these are very very very specific parameters. you cannot divorce them from cloudbank + their love towards her and produce the same dynamic. you cannot give red and her man an entirely different set of personality traits and say the story would still play out the same. its not a primarily "singer/bodyguard" romance story, its a cyberpunk utopia robot apocalypse love story. there is much more to this story than its romance, but you cant have one without the other. if you only actually want to borrow the "singer/bodyguard" aspect, just... say that. why make it transistor specific. ditch the part where one of them is getting usb stick stabbed. everyone who i see place their blorbos into this dynamic is treating this one of a kind game's protagonists as if theyre a preset "trope" that any set of characters can fit into if you ship them hard enough. they really, really, really arent.

furthermore im extremely picky with what fictional romance interests me to begin with, and my interest does not extend to "what if we stripped these characters of their setting and development and entire reason to be who they are / why theyre in love and think about what they would be like in place of other super unrelated characters". i dont really like aus like that. they can be fun maybe in extreme cases but i would rather think about javascript. the "current blorbo + other blorbo = 🤔" mindset hinges on how accurately one read the text of both blorbos to actually work. it feels like online nowadays stories are being treated as something to consume, map your entire personality around temporarily, draw as much inspiration as possible from, then move on to the next, repeat. people eat the top layer of transistor, then move on very quickly. its fine but it tires me. also the m/f ships are ''less valuable'' than m/m ships aspect "transistor but make it gay😜" style. stop doing that. there are in-text gay characters in this story. red is slightly implied to be bi. open your heart to well-written m/f romance. or the aspect of people projecting what they personally desire upon ships and mass consuming/producing progressively further from canon shippy works out of their own loneliness (not the case with everything, but yknow.) which i personally find strange. its aggravating to see my favorite characters willfully misinterpreted for projections sake. i like romance in stories, but not in a shipping way. i dont like thinking of pairings i like as part of a maintained list of ships i care for or tags i check on tumblr. my interest in those pairings cannot be separated from my interest in their source material. the tightly written romance in transistor is something i really enjoyed about it. i thought others would recognize how special it is. sigh

this is just me though im mean. others can like these aus and feel free to make their own. its your art/stories. have fun online

[etruski]

Having the time of my life rn trying to decipher what language this person was writing in

[thequibblah]

⭐️ would love some commentary on that dancing scene (or really any commentary on the various parties thrown by the marauders) from the party happening next to the Potions Club party ⭐️

WELL WELL WELL

"This is...a lot of trouble to go to." "It's the Marauders. They love trouble."

i love writing party scenes (as i'm sure you all know lol) and one of the best/worst things w the marauders parties is striking a balance between their, uh, audacious plans, and what's realistically possible at hogwarts without getting caught. (aka literally why i made up the dodgy lodgings). i went back and forth so long on whether or not they could plausibly have managed that with slughorn's dinner next door, but then was like ah whatever the party has to happen for plot reasons so.... plot ex machina??

anyway, i love using parties to establish character — what a brilliant stage of teenage performance they provide. i love contrasting the hogwarts parties to, say, evan wronecki's — for instance, how lily and co. are more at ease in the former, as seventh years, with their classmates hosting, than they were at evan's nye bash

i also love that it gives me space to establish who is and isn't popular, so to speak, but also who acts or doesn't act the way we presume popular kids will act

doe, for instance, who is by all accounts a level-headed and non-wild person, has a more exciting time on net at marauders' parties than mary (drinking game, kissing remus), though she's not a big drinker and isn't really into parties. but she's comfortable in her own little social circle at a bigger event (like with michael at evan's) and so isn't bothered at all by the marauders' do, because...

She did, in fact, trust the Marauders. Her general belief in the inherent goodness of people notwithstanding, she didn't think they would do anything to harm their friends. Intentionally.

this bit always makes me laugh

as with many things, i feel very saddened that i didn't get to make more out of the fools' olympics (although one could argue that The Dance was a pro) — as in, i wish i'd been able to squeeze more of it into the story itself. i could probably come up with a list of tasks and who completed them LOL

WAIT OH MY GOD I TOTALLY FORGOT ABOUT THIS it just might be my favourite part of this chapter

"How did you do that?" Gillian said, glancing between the other two girls. "Just — drink it without a second thought?" "Practice," said Mary. "Scottish — constitution," David said hoarsely. "I once drank some of Mrs. Skower's All-Purpose Magical Mass Remover," said Priya.

priya is all i aspire to be

can i say, too, it's hilarious to me how many people worried niamh would be a james love interest? i feel like you will not rest easy on that count until he and lily are together... but that is not where the danger lies babes

circling back to popularity/unpopularity, another fun outlier. gillian is first established, in 33, as someone with friends (we see her around sara and in the seventh-year ravenclaws' compartment) but she's not exactly at ease at the party either — recall how she hesitates when mary invites her. only later, in 38, do we realise that our opinion of her has been skewed by the narration (from doe, who naturally assumes any friendly, nice person must have a wealth of friends and be floating through life; and mary, who naturally assumes anyone she isn't bored by must have the social skills of a medieval noblewoman at court), and she's a bit of a pariah in her own house

david, on the other hand, is just flat-out not in his element. and not because of the drinking or the, er, general revelry (see: summer with mary!), even though he doesn't partake much in either. unlike doe, the company breaks rather than makes his enjoyment — he's acutely aware, the whole time, that his cooler, more liked brother is around:

"Not your scene?" "What gave it away?" said David drily. As one they looked at Chris...

...and mary has intuited as much too, even though she has a lot more in common, superficially speaking, with chris than david

so, i think while i was writing this chapter i made a post complaining about how, as much as i love juggling the constraints of historical fiction, i hate that music from the 70s limits me in terms of tracklists. i.e., when i say a certain record is playing i can't just hit shuffle and go somewhere entirely different to set the mood shortly thereafter

this problem was because i wanted, NAY, NEEDED, to have "martha my dear" playing in the aftermath of that mary and david interaction. of course, time passes in that section break, but since "come and get it," which they talk about it, is a sirius song (though it could be a mary song), and i feel too strongly about needle drops to let that conversation go without a soundtrack. germaine even correctly guesses the white album is on because of mary:

Apparently Mary got fonder of the White Album the drunker she was.

...and of course the song itself makes me squeal with how very mary it is — not that it is something she would listen to, necessarily, or identify with (it would hold up too close of a mirror, ha), but it sounds like it could've been written about her ("hold your head up, you silly girl/look what you've done/when you find yourself in the thick of it/help yourself to a bit of what is all around you," which really sums up the entirety of her portree holiday, lol)

BUT! if "martha my dear" is to play here, then i have some Serious Chronology Concerns. i knew germeline had to kiss and jily had to dance and ideally in that order. but what would those scenes be soundtracked by!!!! i was limited to side two of the white album!!!

so i did the healthy thing and panic-listened to the white album. "don't pass me by" was, right away, an easy lock for the dance, because it's danceable, but not in a way that would've scared lily off. lyrically, it feels GREAT for jily in this moment, on the cusp of lily's realisation ("waiting for your knock, dear [...] i don't hear it, does it mean you don't love me anymore?" vs OF COURSE "don't pass me by [...] 'cause you know darling, i love only you"). i feel about "don't pass me by" the same way as NYT critic nik cohn: it's "straight ahead and clumsy and greatly enjoyable, backed by a beautiful hurdy-gurdy organ," which, if that isn't everything i wanted to evoke with the dance itself!!!!!!

ok we'll circle back to this, but onward with the musical discussion

thus i had four songs to choose from, between "martha my dear" and "don't pass me by," for the germeline scene — "piggies," "blackbird," "i'm so tired," and "rocky raccoon." the latter is on my sirius playlist, so auto-no; "piggies" is, well, like that, so also a no. "blackbird" is a certified germaine classic that was written personally by paul mccartney for germaine, but it seemed too introspective for the moment. i don't think i'd ever listened to "i'm so tired" before this panicked searching, and honestly it must be some wild luck that it is. just SO RIGHT!!!! it's so lethargic and tortured and angsty and, well, a bit of a stoner song, so.... it's THERE

AND NOW for the dance! true story, i initially wanted jily to have a real conversation, after the party. i had the dance in there and then james would catch up with lily after to be like, "hey i was wrong actually, you should write to petunia." but then i realised i wanted james and sirius to have a conversation about the bike/money, and i wanted it to strike a different chord, tonally, than the jily conversation. then i realised it would be too much to have both and i'd need to condense that conversation into the dance. VERY nearly cut the dance in favour of the conversation but wow i am glad i didn't

The tinkling piano signalled the start of the next song; she extended a hand, very matter-of-factly, to James, "Come on, this is a good one."

not pictured: james having a fucking breakdown

obviously, i could have gone the route of a genuine dramatic dance, but as previously mentioned lily would have chickened out, and i wanted to have this be an experience she could look back on and pine about because of how fun it was and james totally doesn't like her back

Loath as she was to admit it, this most indelicate of waltzes suited the plodding chords of "Don't Pass Me By." And worst of all, once they had stopped stepping on each other's feet James started to sing, in the poorest possible Ringo imitation she had ever heard in her life.

by the way, attentive readers of blink three times will recall:

He finally starts to lead — thank goodness, because she’s not the one who was forced into formal dance lessons as a child...

so in 36, this is james being drunk, but it is also james being silly on purpose because not only is he JAMES and so he must take the mick, he also knows it will put lily at ease

okay, and this bit:

"Don't pass me by, don't make me cry, don't make me blue," they both shouted rather than sang, "'Cause you know darling—" Lily broke off, laughing, dimly aware that she had done so to avoid saying I love only you while staring right at him.

from the FIRST MOMENT i picked out "don't pass me by," i knew i knew I KNEW that lily would have thoughts about this line. at this point in the story if someone questioned her about it she would probably have a full-scale breakdown about her male friends vs her female friends ("but no... i suppose i wouldn't mind saying it to remus.... but that's different!" how is it different, lily? "it's different!")

anyway, the bottom line is she could NOT abide saying it. i enjoyed writing that because 1. same girl and 2. it felt like a nice bit of close foreshadowing for her realisation, which i knew was coming soon. so that's a really circular way of saying, i knew what it meant but ideally to readers it was just oh this will mean something far-off in the future!!! which is usually true for me but SURPRISE babey it was just two chapters away!!!

note btw that lily "falls for james"

Lily spun faster than she’d intended to. The room was a brief, kaleidoscope blur. Then there was James. “Jesus, Evans,” he said, steadying her as the next track began.

>:)

and after i thought tracklists would fuck me up, i turned them into my WEAPON!!

Huffing, she stepped out of his arms. (There were some songs you could sing along to with your mates, and “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?” was not one of them.)

(so, you know, keep in mind that for the rest of this conversation, paul is in the background howling "no one will be watching us/why don't we do it in the road?")

also:

"...I’m not drinking tonight, but I’d better get the royal treatment after we win on Saturday."

and then what happened <3

wait jesus oh my god i really went hard on this huh

She only saw its result: the easy grin had given way to an expression so serious it was almost sweet.

LILY??????

and hey, remember when:

...because in chapter 26:

Dex’s measured opinions about the wizarding world seemed more the result of upbringing and inexperience than ill will, but Lily had not expected a radical change of heart.

...but then in 36:

He was right, damn it. And a part of her had known all along, had sought him out expressly so that he would say the opposite thing to her. He’d gone and proven her wrong. She broke the staring match first [...] “What brought on the change of heart?” “It’s a long story, and I expect it’ll have an unsatisfying end if I told it to you.” Lily scoffed, but James had on that maddening grin that meant he would not budge. “Oh, all right.” Softer, she added, “Thank you.” He began to back away, towards the bar. “It’s give and take, Evans.”

in conclusion, i never forget, besties

[beevean]

Hey Beev, what music style do you think better represents Classic Sonic's character as a whole? (This is for the final section of that old Forces' Classic Sonic music post I was working on months ago, and I'd like to add even more of your input, haha.)

Oh wow! Interesting question, and thank you for asking me :D

The music in the Classic era was just as diverse as it is now and it’s hard to pick a singular style. Not counting the minor games, as interesting to analyze they’d be, we have:

Sonic 1: a very mellow OST, somewhat jazzy (most obvious with Spring Yard), and more “cinematographic”, at least in the intention of Masato Nakamura - most famously, Scrap Brain sounds like a fast version of the credits of the Blade movie, the timpani being the more obvious similarity. Sadlly, with the exception of Green Hill, this OST tends to be overshadowed by what will come next.

Sonic 2: it’s the same composer, but this OST is much more lively, with a better soundfont, longer tunes and absolutely wicked basslines - just compare Green Hill to Emerald Hill, or the two Special Stages themes. There are also many more genres now: salsa, jazz, country, arabic, orchestral, nightmare...

Sonic CD JP: now this is a doozy. Naofumi Hataya and Masafumi Ogata took inspiration from the club genre of the era to create a more “modern” soundtrack, one that would appeal the American public (ha) - fast-paced, full of unintelligible samples (preceding Hideki Naganura’s work by at least a decade), straight up dipping into the New Jazz Swing genre, it sounds nothing like the first 2 games or everything else from this era, but it’s so fondly remembered that Mania’s OST is clearly inspired by this one.

Sonic CD US: this is, much like the actual game, Sonic 1 on steroids. It’s a very atmospheric OST, with less catchy tunes than the original counterpart, but more “ambient”, with wailing guitars, female choirs and peculiar drums - the two Collision Chaos themes are my favorite example to show the polar opposite approaches of the two OSTs. Also, it’s the first Sonic soundtrack that used real instruments, making it a precursor to Adventure’s.

Sonic 3 & Knuckles: it’s hard to peg a single style for this OST, as it goes in all kinds of directions, and of course it’s longer than 1′s and 2′s put together. I would say that the two halves have different styles: Sonic 3 is very much the lovechild of Michael Jackson and Brad Buxter(with a little help of some guy named Jun Senoue), and it shows; Sonic & Knuckles takes inspiration from Sonic 2, but generally less jazzy and more intense - some tracks really sound like they’re begging to be played by a real guitar.

Sonic 3D Blast: we’re starting to approach the end of the ‘90s, and therefore the end of the Genesis era. Why are we even considering this game? Because this OST is basically the fondation for Sonic Adventure’s brilliant soundtrack, as the sheer amount of reused tracks prove. Jun Senoue and Tatsuyuki Maeda pushed the limits of the console to make a truly memorable OST for such a forgettable game. While there aren’t many obvious genres, overall it does sound like a nice mix of Sonic 2 and Sonic 3 & Knuckles (helped by some of the best sounds the Genesis could produce): Senoue brings back the energy of the former, Maeda the intensity of the latter.

And I’m not even considering Richard Jacques’ work, which was the living incarnation of the late ‘90s!

So... which is the style that fits Classic Sonic better? 

The big love letter to the Classic series that is Mania used CD as an inspiration, and while Mania’s OST is excellent and one of my favorites... I don’t automatically associate New Jazz Swing with Classic Sonic. Before Mania, it was only in one game, the odd one in the bunch too.

3D Blast is my favorite Genesis soundtrack, and as I said it combines the best of two worlds (plus it’s just full of bangers), but it influenced the next era more than the Classic one. The same could be said for the American OST of CD - and besides, tracks like this are nothing like Sonic anyway.

Sonic 1 is the first one and all, but that mellow style fits that particular game more than Classic as a whole, I think the closest OST to this style was Advance 1, actually - another slow-paced, simple game.

So the choice is narrowed down to the ultra-popular Sonic 2 and the refined Sonic 3 & Knuckles. And I’ll be honest, while I think S3&K has higher “highs” compared to S2... my brain immediately jumps to the latter. When I think of Classic Sonic, I think of Genesis brass (the real deal, not that fake synth they used in Forces), twang basses, a swingy rhythm (too many to choose lol), and tons of energy.

Only one Classic track in Forces came close to this description. The others sound more like either a pale imitation of Sonic 1 or modern tracks with a bad soundfont, and that’s when they’re not a complete insult (no i won’t link to it you know what i’m talking about :V).

I can’t wait to read your analysis, and I hope I’ve been of help ^^

[alo-piss-trancy]

Music Playlist game

(Stole this from @omoghouls lol)

The rules of the game: you can usually tell a lot about a person by the type of music they listen to! put your favorite playlist on shuffle and list the first 10 songs, then tag 10 people. no skipping!

This meme was a mistake bc the playlist of highlights I picked was still 56 songs long JFC

It doesn't even cover all my fave artists and genres ajfjhk my taste is literally almost everything c':

1. Do You Kiss Your Mama With That Mouth - EURINGER

2. Swimming - Kero Kero Bonito

3. Big Bad Wolf - In This Moment

4. Carmen - Lana Del Ray

5. Freak on a Leash - Korn (fun fact this song lowkey kills me bc my voice isn't capable of making The Deep Rabid Demon Noises during that one part and my only dream in life is to imitate it 😿 )

6. What Doesn't Kill You Will Make You a Killer - Rabbit Junk

7. Chase The Morning - Repo!TGO Soundtrack

8. Problematic - EURINGER

9. Idfc - blackbear

10. Rivolta Silenziosa - Humanwine

I tag anyone who wants to do this!!! I wanna see everyone's music so I can check them out :0

[enigmaticgale]

houshin engi 100 questions

ariana linked me this and as we all i know i physically cannot shut up about this series ever, so here we go

endgame spoilers below!! if anyone actually cares, lol

1. What is your name? inigo montoya. you kill my father. prepare to die. NO i’m yarrow but i can’t imagine anyone who reads this won’t already know that

2. When did you get into Houshin Engi? january 2012! so.... much later than everyone else i’ve met who’s already into it. i’m babby 3. Did you read it in Weekly Jump magazine? Or the tankoubons? Or both? i read the snoopycool scanlations on mangapark dot com. that probably wasn’t the original website but fuck if i can remember what it was 4. Do you own all 23 volumes? yeah, four times over lol. 5. Do you own Houshin Taizen? hell yeah 6. Do you have the special Houshin Taizen that came with Akamaru Jump? i hate that i know this is a thing now because i won’t rest until i add it to my collection  7.Do you want a Houshin Taizen 2 to come out? yeah put birthdays in it this time fujiryu you hack 8. Did you watch the anime? i’ve seen it twice but only remember one watch lol. i’ve seen the sub and i’ve probably watched the first two episodes 5 times in the dub trying to watch the whole series through. no dice. oh this is about the old anime. i’m only part of the way through the new one because my adhd kicks my ass daily

9. Did you tape record it? man when were these questions written lol. i don’t even know how old i was when the anime aired in the states. did it even air in the states 10. Give your honest opinion on the last episode. hey studio deen? what the fuck? the fuck was that? you bastards? 11. Do you own mp3s of the opening and ending songs? sure do!

12. Do you buy the soundtrack albums? i got both. and then the 2 character song cds. and then 3 of 4 drama cds 13. If you answered ‘yes’ to #12, what is your favourIte track? MAN that’s tough?? probably... chi-kou-go-itsu because when taikoubou is like “IKITERU” in the chorus i’m like. god it won’t let me upload an image here this website is BROKEN. i’m that one gif of that black woman crying and nodding and then she wipes away her tear

14. What Houshin Engi merchandise do you own? what don’t i own. i need to update that album actually 15. Have you ever bought any of the Senkaiden games? yeah i got both.  16. If you answered ‘yes’ to #15, which ones have you bought? i’ve considered buying a wonderswan so i can play them because god knows where the rom i found is but i can’t read jp for shit 18. Could you name all the characters in Houshin Engi? not off the top of my head in a list but if you showed me a picture there’s a 98% chance i’d be able to tell you who they are 19. Favourite male character(s)? youzen and taikoubou... my first fave was roushi. i also like fugen and shinkouhyou and kouyuuken “who’s kouyuuken” haha. he’s the longhaired shisei. yes yes, my tastes

20. Favourite female character(s)? yuukyou is my DORTOR, i love ryuuktisu and kibi too! also seiba.  21. Which is your favourite Taikoubou outfit? i don’t really have a preference! though if you made me pick it would probably be his first one. baby outfit

22. Your opinion on Youzen’s outfit during the fight against Jyoka? i’m emo over him wearing his daddy’s paopei but that’s more of necessity than of sentimentality huh 23. Your opinion on Fugen’s shoulder-revealing shirt? how does it stay ON!!!! 24. Have you ever imitated Dakki’s speech pattern? i’m a guy 25. If you could transform like Youzen, who would you turn into and what would you do? GOD DJESUS.... i’d make myself a foot taller. and also have blue hair. and cure my damn dysphoria . please i want this transformation ability so bad lol

26. Which act/chapter is your favourite? i love the whole manga but the sennin war arc gunches me the hardest 27. Which anime episode is your favourite? bold of you to assume that i remember enough about the anime to differentiate what happened in which episode 28. Which volume cover is your favourite? that’s hard!!!! ummm...... volume one. i like taikoubou 29. Which title — be it volume title, chapter title, or episode title — is your favourite? bold of you to assume i remember episode or volume titles. as for chapter title... there are a lot of great ones but one that always stood out to me is “Chuuoh, Son of Heaven”. idk why. i just like that aesthetic i guess. son of heaven

OH i also really like 141 and 142 which are “ A Blinding Light, A Deafening Silence, And Then...” “An Eternal Happiness” ^___T sennin war arc 30. Have you ever cried while reading Houshin Engi? bunchuu’s death gets me every time though my definition of “cry” is probably a bit. loose. my very first reread though, i had to get up from my computer and stop reading because i physically couldn’t see. musta been a day 31. Do you still buy the calendars? STOP TELLING ME ABOUT MERCH I DIDN’T KNOW ABOUT BECAUSE NOW I’LL HAVE TO BUY IT  32. If you answered ‘yes’ to #31, do you keep the old ones up? FUCKA YOU. yeah i’d display them somehow 33. What is your favourite quote, and who said it? “I learned the greatest courage is telling people my weakness. So I don't want to run anymore: not from you, not from myself!” by youzen. i also really like the line youzen has in the tournament arc where he says there’s no way he can lose because he has the powers of everyone he’s met but the quote i actually listed is more Feelsy 34. Do you have a favourite romantic pairing? hahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa youbou. 35. Say anything you want about that favourite pairing? bold of you to expect coherency from me 36. Why are you into that pairing? nnMMBBmbmbbbb god i’m. gay. the tl;dr is i relate a lot to youzen and i love taikoubou a lot so it’s like self insert without the self insert lol. i’m really laying myself bare here in full sincerity 37. Have you thought of a perfect song for that pairing? What song, and by whom? yeah i gotta.... whole gotdamn playlist. please listen to it 38. Which houshined character do you want resurrected? here’s my postgame fic where everyone gets resurrected eventually. yes even all the rando youkai  39. Which character made you think “I’m glad s/he wasn’t houshined!”? probably..... youzen? or nataku. anyone who has a brush with death and then Wasn’t. 40. Which of the Konron 12 would you like to be scouted by? gyokutei!!!!!! 41. What are your reasons? *points at him* dad 42. Suupuushan, Kokutenko, Kokukirin. Who would you want to ride? kokutenko!!!! luv cat

43. Do you have any friends who like Houshin Engi? yeah!!! and i only had to bully a few of them into reading it. shocker 44. Who’s your favourite Jyuttenkun? kinkou seiba!!!  45. Did you like “Ennui Academy”? i want fujiryu to give me a full length ennui academy manga. this is only half a joke 46. What’s your favourite non-romantic pairing? BBBbbbb hmmm. i love yuukyou and her two dads and i also love youzen and gyokutei.... i’m suckerpunched by found family daily 47. Which do you like better; the Dakki Sisters or the Beautiful Sisters (Venus and Co.)? the dakki sisters  48. Do you want Roushi’s suit? depends on what i have to do to get it lol. but yeah i’m all about that lazy life 49. Name one paopei you want. i’m going to say all of them on account of being greedy and also bad at making decisions

50. What would you use it for? oh fuck. can’t make me go into work if i’m wrapped in rikukonhan’s void, right 51. Who is the strongest character, in your opinion? fukki if he’s got backup, jyoka if not 52. What is your reason? *points to the final volume* Observe 53. Which character makes you go, “I’ll never forgive him/her!!”? outenkun. basard 54. What colour do you like on Taikoubou’s hair? brown!!! my fave eye colour on him is green!! that wasn’t part of the question but i think that’s the cutest and best colour combo!!!!!! you can’t change my mind!!!!

i think fukki has black hair and blue/grey eyes. 55. Name a master-disciple combo you like. again, youzen and gyokutei suckerpunch me 58. Which is your favourite splash page? probably the very first one in chapter 1 cause i get all nostalgia over it. weh 59. Taikoubou + Outenkun = Fukki. Did you easily accept this fact? i wish i could tell you anything that i thought when i first read the manga but all my impressions are lost to time. i wish other people would remember that outenkun is a key part of the fukki equation and stop just treating him as taikoubou in a funny outfit lol. they’re different people, even if they’re similar....  60. Did the entrance of Fukki affect your opinion on Houshin Engi? again, i wish i could tell you, but 61. Do you think of Taikoubou, Fukki, and Outenkun as three separate people?

YES, AND YOU SHOULD TOO

62. Where on Taikoubou’s body do you think Outenkun’s paopei’s mark appeared? .....people talked about this? 63. Who would you want to be houshined by? dakki. if i have to die i want her to kill me, sexily. sorry for making you read those words 64. Who would do you want to houshin? outenkun but he’s off limits. ...i think anyone else i’d want to houshin already done and did it so 65. Which of Dakki’s many outfits is your favourite? bold of you to assume i keep track of them 66. Is Venus scary? no, she’s very cute!! shame on you!! 67. Which paopei made you go, “That’s terrible!!”? ay. uh. keiseigenjou is pretty spooky what with the “dakki uses this to mind control hundreds of thousands of people at once” 68. What is the colour of Chibi Youzen’s horns? dark dark brown imo 69. What cup size is Dakki? WHY AREY OU ASKING ME THIS-- oh it’s question 69. haha nice 70. Who’s your favourite Colourful Trio sennin? probably taiitsu! 71. Your opinion on the brand new sennin world? luv horai.... new home 72. What is Fukki’s hair colour in act 201? ....there was talk about this??  73. Ask yourself a question concerning Houshin Engi. can you ever stop fucking thinking about this manga 74. Your response to that question? no lol!!!!!  75. In your opinion, is Nentou in love with his half sister? in a completely innocent and platonic way, you fucking freaks! 76. Did the Sennin World War leave a deep mark on your heart? FUCK YEAH IT HURTS 77. Do you own any Houshin Engi doujinshis? oh yeah we got soup 78. Kichiku, hentai, yaoi, shounen-ai, general. Which doujinshi genre do you have the most of? shounen ai probably. i am, gay 79. Do you make Houshin Engi doujins? i would if i could, probably 80. If you answered ‘yes’ to #79, do you make doujins about couples? i would if i could!!  81. If you answered ‘yes’ to #79, the amount of Houshin Engi doujinshi circles is decreasing, but do you intend to continue yours? man what audience was this intended for 82. Who’s the easiest character to draw? youzen because he’s all i ever draw 83. Who’s the hardest character to draw? anyone who isn’t youzen 84. Have you ever done Houshin Engi cosplay? i wanted to cosplay roushi in high school but predictably never went through with the idea

85. If you answered ‘yes’ to #84, who have you cosplayed? man a lot of these could really be combined into one question huh 86. Does your website mainly have Houshin Engi in it? yeah cause it’s all i ever fucking think about 87. Is there a Houshin Engi fan you can’t forgive? Who and why? :) 88. What is Hanyoutai Youzen’s colour scheme? wh.... white hair, gold eyes, ???? hell if i know. bold of you to assume fujiryu would ever give a character a consistent colour scheme 89. If Nataku were to give you a ride, where would you want to go? nataku take me to court so i can get my legal name changed. idk?!? does this mean like in the sennin world?? anywhere Scenic

90. Which of Choukei’s outfits is the best? i’m longhairluvr69 but i think he looks cuter in his later outfit.... maybe if he’d kept his long hair and put it up in a bun?

91. Say anything about the most memorable scene in Houshin Engi. bold of you to assume i have a working memory 92. What do you think of the ending to Houshin Engi? I’M SAD. it’s a very satisfying ending though. 93. Have you imagined what happens after the series’ end? i got six years worth of headcanons for it, coming soon to a theatre near you 94. If you answered ‘yes’ to #93, give more detail. NO I’M TIRED. just read my fic 

95. Have you read Parallel World Houshin Engi? what, Another Story? yeah i’ve read it. 96. Do you own “Dramatic Irony”? yeah! milk junkie sure was a story, wasn’t it. 97. The series has ended, but is your love for the series still going strong? i will be on my deathbed still talking about this manga 98. Do you really think Fukki has nothing left to do in the end? well, he’s finished everything he Needs to do, but there’s a whole wide world left for him to explore!  99. Say anything you want about Fujiryuu. fujiryu i AM coming to japan and we WILL duel in an arby’s parking lot at 3am. there will only be one survivor

full seriousness i am alive and happy today because of fujiryu so if i ever do meet him irl i’d probably just start crying lol. 100. Any last words? read houshin engi!!!!

[intoanewlife]

great comet 8/5 matinee

so first of all, great comet was amazing, not that i was expecting anything less, but still. i saw the matinee on 8/5, sat in the front mezzanine (house left, row A seat 3. 10/10 would recommend this view) and pretty much everyone was the usual cast except anatole was blaine alden krauss, sonya was ashley perez flanagan, and mary was courtney bassett. and they, and everyone else, totally killed it

so here’s some of the stuff from the performance i saw (under a cut because its A Lot):

pre-show: -the cast came out for the pre-show stuff, with the boxes of pierogis, and heath saunders (i believe) came right by my seat, asking who wanted one. i shouted ‘me!’, and he immediately tossed me one, so i guess enthusiasm helps. they all did like little PSAs about cast coming through and the strobes and no recordings, and heath did this little thing about making room for actors, like, heath: *gestures to seats* this is yours *gestures to aisle* this is mine *points to me and gestures to my seat* whats this? me: mine heath: *gestures to aisle* and whats this? me: yours heath: good job, 100%

prologue: -when anatole introduced himself and said “he spends his money on women and wine” he said it to a guy sitting next to him, who responded with one of those ‘sup nods -on the last big run-through of naming characters, when someone’s name was said, they were lit up in spotlight, spun in a circle and took a shot, which was great -paul pinto did a super quick costume change from balaga into what i think was a servant? anyway i glanced away for like a second and suddenly he was someone else, i was impressed

pierre: -ok first of all, oak is incredible. like, there’s something very sad and tired about his pierre, but at the same time, there’s a sense of youth in certain scenes, so despite everyone calling him old man, he feels like his canonical age and i loved it -right before pierre sings “you empty, you stupid contented fellows”, anatole walks by and toasts him

moscow: -when marya delivers her first “welcome, welcome to moscow”, all the audience members around her jumped on the first ‘welcome’ because it was so loud lol -marya was so enthusiastic about a game of boston, the whole audience laughed -when marya tells natasha to be kind to andrey’s sister, mary walks right between them, which i thought was cool -also at the start of the song, i saw mary trying to help old bolkonsky to his chair and he kept brushing her off

private and intimate life: -in that pause right before “people enjoy me though”, nick totally drew it out, and lights came up on the audience to his left and he stared at them for a long time. one girl did a little wave with the finger waggle and he did it back lol -when mary sings ‘yes father, yes father’, the lights all over the theater, including all the lights on tables, pulsed in time to the beat -paul pinto as the servant is hilarious? he’s all hunched over like he’s igor and he shuffles around the scene -when bolkonsky is freaking out about his glasses, marya is playing the cow bell looking so unimpressed it was hilarious

natasha and bolkonskys: -it was so awkward yet so funny, the way they not only put themselves at a table, but in a spot totally inconvenient for everyone sitting there, so there was a lot of scooching chairs around and giggling audience members -natasha had the most disney-worthy forced smile the whole time

no one else: -i had heard the staging of this was beautiful but thE STAGING OF THIS WAS BEAUTIFUL -the lights going blue! the way natasha practically floats around the stage the whole song! when andrey appeared in the snow! -i was in a spot so my view was natasha directly behind andrey, and i watched him read her letter as she stared at him longingly and let me tell you i was crying -when andrey hurries off, natasha chases him a bit, so then she’s the one in the snow and it was emotional -also pierre seemed to ignore a lot of things going on when he’s not in a scene and just sitting in his tavern, but he was watching natasha this whole scene

the opera: -when pierre says he’s enjoying himself at home he waved cheerily to the audience and gave an overly-enthusiastic thumbs up with a big grin, which immediately vanished when the lights on him faded -when natasha and helene meet, its like, there is no hetero explanation for it, they both sing their lines while reaching out to the other -marya sweeps in and grabs natasha’s shoulders and physically turns her away from helene -the opera was so weird but so great, one of the opera dancers, after the music stopped, kept making this weird noise you can hear in the soundtrack, and just? kept going? long past anything else? it was hilarious -the lights came up on natasha and sonya and sonya had this cute head tilt like ‘????’ and natasha’s jaw was dropped, eyes wide, it was so funny -anatole entered, and god, with blaine i could finally see what natasha saw in anatole because damn -OK SO ONE OF MY FAVORITE MOMENTS was when the opera performance was ending, andrey was getting “killed” right? except after he does, all the other “actors” clear off and he’s alone, all bloody and torn, and natasha had ended up in front of pierre’s tavern at that point, and andrey was on the other side, and he just stares longingly at natasha, until she turns around and spots him and realizes its him. they both circle pierre’s tavern, reaching for the other, and andrey has that red ribbon from natasha’s letters dangling from his hand, and where pierre had been ignoring the opera until then, he looks up and right after natasha saw it was andrey, so did he, and he jumps to his feet and watches natasha and andrey circling and reaching for the other with the saddest expression on his face and mY HEART

natasha and anatole: -for the entirety of the interactions between natasha and anatole down by pierre, pierre is reading with one hand over his eyes, not seeing any of it -yeah anatole totally primped in the mirror before entering the box, and then he struck a pose and waited for natasha to notice him -when natasha is all “as handsome up close as at a distance”, they’re standing behind a railing and anatole is looking away, and natasha leans her elbows on the railing and puts her chin in her hands and stares at anatole in that schoolgirl crush way. she immediately straightens up and turns away when he turns back

the duel: -when pierre is talking about natasha all “and long carried affection for her”, the way anatole says “yes. charming” basically translated to ’cool story bro’ -once it gets to the club, basically everything happens so much? people are everywhere, the strobe is going, andrey is being dj andrey 3000 in pierre’s tavern, THE OUTFITS, marya’s catsuit had me dying, pierre just drunkenly stumbles all over -on helene’s “he will kill you, stupid husband’ her voice broke, she was so upset oh my god, both anatole and helene were both so genuinely concerned when dolokhov fired, god my feels

dust and ashes: -holy shit oak is incredible, he’s a gift, he’s amazing, i love him -he actually flubbed a lyric near the beginning, but he absolutely killed the rest of the song -it was like a slow gradual build, where he started out sounding tired and then it crescendoed into this heartfelt longing and i cried and i died -let me tell you, hearing dust and ashes in surround sound (pierre in front, cast behind in rear mezz) is An Experience and i’m pretty sure thats what heaven sounds like -the applause was enormous and very long, which was great

sunday morning: -yeah i loved how pierre was right behind natasha when she was looking the mirror -marya was right next to our section when she did the “suuuuunday morning, time for church!” part and i basically got that at point blank range, which was amazing thank you grace mclean

charming: -natasha spends a lot of the song imitating helene, which was pretty cute. it started out when helene wasn’t looking, then by the end they were both doing the same gestures with their skirts and stuff

the ball: -at one point natasha and anatole are dancing together, but they’re across pierre’s tavern from each other, so they’re both doing the motions like they’re dancing together, but separately, which actually looked pretty cool -when natasha tells anatole she loves him, his face is so much ‘...what.’, god what a fuckboy

letters: -when pierre was talking about wanting to be in the war, he was like pretend-firing with the pistol he used in the duel, it was cute -when natasha and pierre sing “i see nothing but the candle in the mirror, no visions of the future...” they sing it facing each other -”a letter which i composed” had anatole whirling around to face dolokhov with a ‘cmon man why’d you have to say that’ kind of gesture and expression -oh my god anatole’s ‘just say yes’ bit. he did the first one standard, but the second one, he paused first then dragged the yes out for forever, then the third one he paused even longer and then he did like ‘just...say...yeeeeesssssssssssssssss’ and slowly got higher while grabbing onto natasha and god it was just hilarious and so Extra

sonya alone: -ashley fucking killed this one and i cried and the applause was so big -also pierre seemed like he was ignoring everything after his bit in letters, like he had in act 1, but he was watching this whole song

balaga: -pierre got up and joined the dancing with a shaker in each hand, he was having so much fun, i loved it

abduction: -anatole’s ‘whoa’ was so long oh my god -when pierre did his thing and everybody dropped, he bent over, stayed there a while, then stood up, looked around, and giggled, like he was so pleased -during this pause, everybody had dropped to the floor, except marya and helene who were standing side by side holding hands  -marya was banging the huge drum after pierre’s bit, which was so cool, and helene played that drum for a bit earlier, but i can’t remember when -when anatole yelled for everyone to sit, he rushed up to a stage right table, and literally shoved and pushed at the guy sitting there, complete with dramatic grunting sounds, then plopped down, gave the guy the ‘sup nod and they fist bumped. anatole then let the pause drag on for so long, half the cast started looking exasperated, including pierre lmao -fucking marya’s entrance was so good holy shit. she delivered the line so calmly and crisply like, ‘you. will. not. enter. myyyyy house...ssscCOOOOUUUNNNNDRELLLLLLLLLL’ and it was amazing, anatole fucking bolted

in my house: -marya was so calm at the start of this song, it was kind of terrifying -when marya says to let natasha sleep, sonya is approaching natasha, and marya like, snarls at sonya

a call to pierre: -pierre was asleep at his desk at the start -there was a super cool lighting effect here, where marya had sat down on stage right, handed the letter off, and the lightbulbs hanging overhead lit up in a line (like they flashed one at a time) that went out into the audience and all the way back around to stage left where the letter was handed off to pierre -pierre’s ‘what’s started off kind of confused and calm, but once marya said natasha had broken with andrey they became more shocked and aggravated 

find anatole: -oak actually missed the first ‘find anatole’ at the start because he was trying to get into his coat -he totally shoved paul pinto out of his way -anatole has his head in helene’s lap when pierre enters, and when helene is all “ah pierre, sweet husband’ i always thought it sounded kind of sly on the soundtrack, but when i saw it, helene sounded more genuine and concerned -when pierre is all angry and “more repulsive to me than ever”, he stalks towards the siblings and they spring apart and helene actually throws herself out of pierre’s way and they both looked so nervous when pierre asked to speak to anatole

pierre and anatole: -god this scene was intense, and oak plays pierre with such a tightly-bound rage, it was kind of frightening -when pierre is listing what anatole needs to do, anatole got angry and swiped everything off pierre’s desk -”amuse yourself with women like my wife” helene looked so offended and pierre delivered “then youre within your right” directly to her, ouch -natasha poisoning herself was so intense, she screamed and ran offstage and both marya and sonya ran after her

natasha very ill: -pierre helps marya to a chair, while everyone just slowly settles somewhere

pierre and andrey: -i had heard andrey shoves pierre, but when i saw it, andrey just straight up jabbed pierre in the chest and when andrey walked away, pierre just sort of rubbed at the spot

pierre and natasha: -here’s where i died again, because as soon as i saw natasha come down the stairs clinging to the railing i was crying -on “she began to cry” oak choked up and it was painful -when pierre called anatole a bad man, helene lifted her head looking pained, then when natasha said “don’t call him bad”, helene smiled sadly and lowered her head again -during this number i saw helene, marya and mary all crying so there was that -pierre delivered The Line to natasha’s back, since she was leaving, then immediately turned his back, which gave me a perfect view of pierre crying and wiping at his eyes. he didn’t turn back until natasha was right behind him again and he jumped, then the face touch was so tender and beautiful, and natasha had to shuffle forward a little to reach, god it was so pure great comet of 1812: -this finale was so beautiful and oak did an amazing job with this simple and quiet song, i loved it and the lighting effect that makes the comet was great, and the front mezzanine was a great place to see it

ok so this was really long, but i noticed a lot, and it was such a good show. if i could see it a thousand times more, i would, and i’m so thankful i got to see oak in it. long live the great comet!

[anothergirlrecovering]

Lynn 97

I’ve got there honestly a little bit late so n I use the bathroom and she invited me in. I sat down and I said it smelled really good in there and she turned on one of her lamps and turn off the overhead light and said she was not in the mood for overhead lights. What a mood lol. I said it smells good in there and she said thank you and she said she got a new essential oil and it was one called refresher something I said it smelled like citrus and she said it was orange eucalyptus bland but that she really liked it which is why she picked it. She ask how my week has been and I said it was good and that I’m tired because I haven’t really been sleeping good because I keep having all these bad dreams and I told her about how it has been usually one of three where it’s either that I’m gaining weight and freaking out or I’m back in treatment or Erin is there and I was like what the heck it’s literally so annoying. I told her about how we went and visited my husband’s family this weekend and how mad I wasn’t my husband‘s mother For the way that she was so selfish and wanted to keep my husband’s father’s dad a big secret and I said how my husband was like I’m glad I didn’t know that at age 12 because that would’ve been so damaging and Lynn was like yeah no kidding. And I said I was just really frustrated by the way that she handled it and that it bothers me for my husband and also that it makes me mad that she has apparently been stewing about this for an entire year and just never said anything. Lynn was like well you know how she is and this is kind of typical for her and I was like yeah I just really hate that and I said how she was like mad about the dog and again he was out on a tether in the backyard and her dog is dead now so it literally doesn’t matter but she just was being difficult for no reason and with his family coming to town his mom asked us what the plans were and we wer elike you’re the one hosting so you should know? I said it was just all annoying and when I tried to get them to figure out what our thanksgiving plans would be since they are coming to us I still couldn’t get a straight answer from them and they were like oh well we are going to run our 5K in the morning so we will come after that and it was like OK so basically they never set a time that they would be coming and they never said how long they would be staying and one of the sisters won’t even have her kids and she doesn’t know if she’s going to come and we were just like whatever this is so annoying. I said we will see how the holiday goes. I said also that lately I have noticed with working more the treatment center that I have been triggered by that certain smell near the kitchen area which smells the way my dad‘s deli did when I was 17 and how it made me realize how I felt so responsible for the success of the deli even though that’s crazy because I was just 17-year-old kid and I member wanting to work all the times that I would be free labor and I was like I don’t know why and Lynn was like that’s just what kids do. She said you know just as well if not better than I do, kids pick up on their parent stress and then who did they blame and I was like them selves and she was like yup what do kids always say when their parents divorced and I was like that it was their fault her that they could’ve done something to prevent it and she was like exactly they always want to feel a sense of control and my guess is that you picked up on your parents stressed around everything and wanted to feel in control and put on yourself. I said that made sense. She said that’s probably where it came from. She said she would be curious to know if me having dreams about all of this is a good sign with me processing it. I said I hoped so because I don’t like waking up drenched in sweat and freaking out. She asked me if I would be OK to use the lightbar to continue this work and I said sure and she said that last time was coming up around all of this was a lot of shame and I said yeah and she asked me to keep me curious about what the dreams I’ll have in common with each other. I said I wasn’t really sure because in the first one with gaining weight and freaking out it’s a feeling of not wanting to be noticed or seen because of weight gain and not wanting to be noticed for that but in the second two it’s like with going to treatment it’s that feeling of wanting to be seen and wanting to matter and in the third one with Aaron it’s also this feeling of wanting to matter and to be validated and with that dream there’s even some anger because she acts like everything is fine and then there’s a part of me that is angry that she doesn’t know how bad she hurt me which maybe sounds petty. She told me to notice that. The order of everything after is kind of jumbled but at a point I had notice that over the weekend when we were driving To my husbands family the compromise was that she would watch the game on his phone but I got to play the waitress soundtrack and sing along to him and we were singing together and there was one part when I saying the I’m not defensive part and he started laughing and was like I’ve never heard you do a southern accent and I literally started crying because I was so embarrassed and I just hate that feeling of embarrassment and he was like what the heck I thought it was cute and funny and I’m laughing with you not at you but I couldn’t shake that feeling that there was something wrong with me. I noticed that in eighth grade there was a time when I was making fun of a kid on my school bus and imitating him to a few classmates and I remember that they thought it was just the funniest thing because of my facial expression and at a point I realized they were laughing at me not with me and maybe I interpreted that wrong but I was just so embarrassed and I’m rethinking I’m never going to impersonate anyone ever again because this is terrible and that they would ask me to do it all the time and I always would know I would always feel so embarrassed and stupid. I noticed how I always felt like an outsider and that I don’t think I realized at the time just how weird they were but they had all been in the same tiny super Christian school from preschool on in there was only like 10 of them and it was like I was different but really maybe things would’ve been different if I had gone to public school. She told me to notice that and I noticed how there was a part of me that feels almost betrayed because I remember Rosie putting her arm around me on the first day of school in seventh grade being like she’s a part of our group she’s one of us but then In reality I wasn’t a part of the group. I noticed that may be part of my identity started to develop as being this good girl because I saw that being super religious was perceived well and if I couldn’t fit in with my peers at least I could be a teachers pet in my coach would like mean a lot and I sort of adopted this identity of being this good Christian girl. I explained how I don’t know the word for it but right now there’s like a part of me that just feels kind of jaded by at all where it’s like it feels like everything that I grew up believing was one big sham and I got kind of tricked into believing it or something like I don’t know how to describe that feeling of having the blindfold taking off but feeling like all of it was a load of crap and I told her about my friends mom just died and how they had preacher is lined up for revival service after her healing and she died and it’s like well yeah they had called hospice in for a while and maybe God could’ve healed her but the I explained how I don’t know the word forever right now there’s like a part of me that just feels kind of jaded by at all where it’s like it feels like everything that I grew up believing was one big sham and I got kind of tricked into believing it or some thing like I don’t know how to describe that feeling of having the blindfold taking off but feeling like all of it was a load of crap and I told her about my friends mom just died and how they had preachers lined up for revival service after her healing and she died and it’s like well yeah they had called hospice in for a while and maybe God could’ve healed her but the reality is that you can’t pray with authority and expect that your prayers are always going to be answered that’s just not how that works and it’s silly to think that but I feel like I’ve thought that way my whole life and then I noticed there’s a part in that feels mad that it took me this long to figure it out because I had so many blatant examples because even if we didn’t count my grandma stuff there was also my youth group leader when I was in the eighth grade who had liver cancer who was also my Spanish teacher so I knew her pretty well. I explained how everyone had anticipated her healing and there were all of these people in our youth group for having visions from God that our youth group was going to grow and this was going to be a great testimony and then she died and it was like I never questioned if I was just like oh she got the ultimate healing and that was that and there’s a part of me that’s like why did I not question it then and Lynn was like be curious about that and I pointed out that I was totally that Eno kid with band T-shirts which Lynn started laughing I was like yeah you can picture it right Cell that was me and I had taught myself guitar and I was always writing these super depressing songs but I would always end them with a transitioned verse about God saving me or rescuing me and the reality was that that never happened and I never felt any different it’s like I was a rationally hanging onto this idea that it would happen and I don’t know why and Lynn was like OK be curious about that why would you have hung onto that and I was like I mean I guess just because there was a book and I hope that if I could just follow the book and get it right then I could feel some kind of way like if I could just be good enough then I would feel love and peace and with my parents there was no book there was no guided just felt like a dead end of no matter what I did wasn’t gonna be enough but at least with the Bible there is something telling me that I could get to those things if I could just get my shit together. She asked me what would happen if I had included to that and I was like well I mean honestly I think I would’ve killed myself because the only reason why I didn’t kill myself was because I was really afraid that I would go to hell if I did. I noticed that I have an anxious temperament and I guess it makes sense that I would easily latch onto it very fear-based religion. I explained how I can remember as a little kid that after I saw toys story I was terrified that my toys were going to come to life and be mad at me so literally every night I would say I love you to all of my toys and say I love you to all the ones that I didn’t say bye name but I forgot because I still love them too and Lynn was laughing and then I said as I got older that switched to praying at night and begging God to forgive me of any sense that I forgot to say and any scenes that I may commit in my sleep because I was afraid that what if I send while I was asleep and then died and went to hell. I said I was also always afraid that my friends wanna go to heaven with me because there was this mentality that we had the right way to believe in everybody else did end and if you didn’t believe the way we did then you aren’t going to heaven. I said All of my friends were Catholic so I was definitely always worried that they were not real believers so they wouldn’t be in heaven with me especially Michelle. I said that I don’t believe that anymore and she said to notice that and she said so believes can change right and I said yeah and I said but part of me is afraid that what if they are right and what if I’m wrong because there’s no guaranteed correct way of thinking and I think that’s what’s hard about all of this. I teared up one saying that I feel like there’s a part of my identity that has been taken and I don’t know what to replace it with because I feel like I have build myself up as this super Christian person but I don’t identify that anymore and I don’t really know what to make of that and I feel guilty for it. I also at some point said how Debbie is a heroin addict now and she got expelled from high school for burning down their auditorium so it’s not like she turned out to be super successful after she was mean to me. I also had said that I think I was always somewhat real conscientious because I was in a bad kid but at the same time I don’t think I became as intensely real conscientious as I am now until middle school when I went to that private school and took on that identity of being this super Christian kid because I can remember as a little kid getting in trouble for forging my mom‘s signature on my assignment which is obviously not real conscientious. At one point she asked me to keep going and I was like I don’t know I just feel anxious and she was like OK go with that. I also noticed with fear that I was I was really afraid of lightning with the homey brother was scared of storms I would take him and have him sit on the couch with me in front of the window and I convinced him that lightning was just God updating his photo album in heaven and so we would sit there and smile at the window to make sure that he had some good pictures of us and then every time there was thunder I would say that God was bowling and I would turn into a game of like do you think God got a strike or a spare or a seven and I think just noticing that there are maybe some good elements to religion at times I don’t now. I also noticed that even if I hadn’t believe it all I wouldn’t have said anything because I wouldn’t have wanted everyone talking about me and I remembered how there was a guy damn Warren who is the principal son who is gay and everybody talked about him and wanting to get him saved because you know gay is the worst thing a person could be in their world.when Lynn was talking about me taking responsibility for my parents as a kid with the deli she also brought up how parents are almost always o blame and that she tells her clients that in a nice way even though they don’t want to hear it lol but she was like come on, your two kids have behavioral issues at home but things are great at school? Hello? They’re trying to communicate something is wrong in the family. I think one of the most profound things that Lynn said was that when I mentioned my fear of what if the church I grew up in was right and what if me changing my believes is me basically ruining my life and jeopardizing my going to heaven and all of that and she was like whose Voice is that, yours or there is and I was like honestly I’m not sure at this point and she was like well we are all reading the same book right? And I couldn’t help but laugh and I was like yeah that’s true and she was like so somebody isn’t right and I was like yeah I guess that is true and she said she isn’t a Bible scholar by any means but the truth is supposed to set you free and it sounds like it hasn’t I said that’s true and I definitely didn’t and she said well do you have been going to a different church for a while now and it seems like they I am healing and when you think about Grace and loving others and trying to do the right thing when you can all of that is freedom The freedom to love and to mess up and to experience Grace, that’s freedom and it sounds like your current church has that and I was like yeah they’re definitely really different and she was like I know and she pointed out that the way Jesus lived taught us a lot about how he wanted us to live and who he hangs out with and she said Jesus often questioned authority because of the common miss use of power and authority and making sure that they weren’t spiritually abusing people and she pointed out that she thinks what I’ve been through would fall under that category a spiritual abuse. I said that made sense. and she said and like I said we all have the same book here and I was like although you have the extra cannons and you’re Catholic Bible and she laughed and was like honestly I don’t think I’ve ever read them. She said she doesn’t remember them going over it but then again, she might not of been paying attention. She was like I might’ve been to focus on the cute boy next to me. I laughed and said that that made sense. We scheduled for the three weeks now since I won’t be here next week since she is out for Thanksgiving. I asked her if she is going to see boy raced and she was like what is it and I was like the movie about conversion therapy and she was like oh yeah no things like that just make me feel too angry. I was like well the hope is that the people who aren’t like us will go see it and have their minds changed and she was like but you know that they won’t that’s not how this works you know that and I was like I know but I’m still going to go see it and she was like OK will you let me know how it is. I told her I would and I wished her happy Thanksgiving and headed out.