#prescription dosage got increased the other day so hopefully it helps with. this.

[plaquerat]

hate how like. even know it feels like any connection is impossible to form and maintain. pretty much not speaking to any irl friends bc they have all been sexually weird to us on some level and it's something that needs Help before even attempting to interact again. there is a deep want to have someone deeply close again but multiple times it has been highly destructive due to naturally obsessive personality. scrupulosity is still an issue so the rational (person i like is busy) is Known but irrational (i did a BAD THING and i am being PUNISHED because i am BAD) overrides the emotions. hell.

[deadmomjokes]

(Normal? 1/2) I just went to a psychiatrist for the first time today. I got a recommendation from a therapist I used to see for a handful of appointments. I tried to be open minded, but I think they were bad at their job? They didn't tell me what the diagnosis was for sure (I could only assume depression/anxiety), and when I brought up concerns with general side effects, they brushed it off saying all things have side effects listed. They didn't even ask for all my symptoms?

(Normal? 2/2) I brought a whole notebook of information per recommendation of my past therapist, but then the psychiatrist never even asked about my family health history or triggers or coping mechanisms Ive tried. I don’t know, I felt like I was just treated like a body and had a set routine she was going through rather than actually hearing me. Am I just being overly anxious about this? Was this normal? Do they not need to know all my symptoms if I think I know what I got???

(Normal, Bonus) I don’t know, sorry for bothering you about this, I’m just super worried and don’t know anyone I can ask if this is normal for these kinds of appointments/treatments. Thank you so much for your time, even if you don’t answer. Have a lovely day

You’re definitely not bothering me at all! This stuff is hard enough to navigate without having a rotten experience like you did. And I do think your experience was terrible. You’re not just being overly anxious, you’re well within your right be frustrated and confused by your experience, and I would certainly find it anxiety provoking, myself!

A psychiatrist should absolutely be interested in both your symptoms and how they are affecting your day-to-day, as well as family history. As my husband explains it, a psychiatrist is primarily a doctor that also knows some psychology. If you went to a doctor experiencing a bunch of symptoms, and with a family history of certain conditions, and they just kind of brushed them aside and sent you straight to pills, it would be bad form. This is no different.

While it’s true that all medications have side effects, even stuff like ibuprofen, a doctor should never dismiss or handwave your concerns, particularly when it’s a psychiatric medication, where the side effects can be more serious and bothersome. She should have spent time talking to you, too, about what her thoughts were and WHY she was prescribing you a medicine in the first place. The fact that you walked out of there with pills and no clearly stated differential diagnosis is concerning to me. Not to say that the medication won’t help, but she should have taken time to talk to you about her thoughts and what the medicine is generally used for. It’s possible that she wasn’t able to make a definitive diagnosis after one appointment, or that she assumed your therapist had more or less diagnosed you already and she was going based on that, but she should have explained it a whole lot better.

It’s possible that if the therapist referred you, they could have sent over their case notes and that’s what the psychiatrist was going off of. She could have seen things like your symptoms and history in the notes, but since the therapist told you to bring a list to your appointment, and you said the therapist was a past therapist, I find that slightly less likely.

Depending on what the medicine is, I’d say it’s almost certain to be for anxiety/depression. Medicines like SSRIs and SNRIs, which are used for anxiety/depression/ptsd are generally considered safe, and so most doctors are comfortable writing prescriptions for those even after just one appointment. I know you’ve probably been doing a ton of research on it already, but since the psych didn’t take the time to talk to you about these meds, I’ll give you a quick (non-professional) rundown. (Handy graphic I did here!)

SSRI stands for Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor. Basically, when anxious/depressed, your brain doesn’t get enough of the serotonin it needs from what you’re producing naturally. Serotonin naturally gets reabsorbed after a certain amount of time anyway, meaning the places its supposed to go are short because the supply is low to begin with, and then your brain keeps sucking it back up before it can get where it needs to go in the quantities it needs to be in. The medicine stops much of the serotonin from being reabsorbed so more of it floats around free and ready for your brain to actually use. It won’t naturally increase the amount you make, but it does increase the amount that’s available, and sometimes having a good, steady, sufficient supply will allow your brain to get back to normal levels of production, because hey, everything’s working great now and we don’t have a nasty feedback loop! That’s why some people can go off their meds after a while and be fine; their brain has fixed the deficit enough to fix the production problem. (If you’re like me, your brain has something wrong with it where it has never produced enough and probably will never until they make a bunch of medical advancements.) SNRIs do the same thing but with both Serotonin and Norepinephrine (Serotonin-Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors).

Generally speaking, the first try for anxiety and depression is an SSRI. If, however, you only have anxiety and not depression, or depression which stems from the constant anxiety, they may try an SNRI, which is specifically for anxiety and things like chronic pain. That’s not to say that SNRIs aren’t helpful for depression, because they are (that serotonin again), but it’s generally for a primary anxiety or pain concern. SNRIs can also sometimes be helpful for people with ADHD, but it’s generally not a first try or used alone.

Some common SSRIs that they start people on are Lexapro, Zoloft, Prozac, and Celexa. they have fewer side effects than most, or are most easily tolerated. Generally it’s things like temporary headache and fatigue (which can be reduced by taking the medicine at night). Common SNRIs are Cymbalta, Pristiq, and Effexor. They tend to have more side effects or more annoying side effects, like nausea, dizziness, and sweating.

Ultimately, only you can decide whether you’re comfortable enough with that doctor’s analysis of the situation in order to start the medication that she prescribed, but it is well within your rights both to go ahead and see, and to find a second opinion. Most insurance allows for a second opinion if you schedule the appointment as such, or you could contact your insurance to find out how they’d handle a second psych appointment with someone other than the first doctor.

Your therapist wouldn’t have agreed to refer you to a psychiatrist if they didn’t think medication might be in your best interest, so the question here may be whether you’re comfortable enough with the analysis of your problems to start this medicine. Unfortunately, side effects with psychiatric medication are relatively common, but not all of them last the whole time you’re taking it or are that serious. Sometimes they can also be predicted by your past health history; for instance, if you’ve ever experienced migraines, you’re more likely to get headaches as a side effect when starting or upping dose on a medication.

I’m sorry you’re in such a sticky and anxiety-provoking situation. That’s a lousy place to be in, especially when you’re already having a rough time. Feel free to ask any more questions you like, to vent, to ask my opinion on the specific medicine (I’ve been on a lot of them, because my brain is garbage and likes to build resistances), or to keep me updated on what you decide to do. Also, I apologize if I’ve misread the situation/your asks, or if my response was totally off the mark for what you were hoping. I’m gonna blame that on baby brain and also switching dosage of my own medicine. (I’m starting the Weird Zone today, so hopefully this response has been coherent cuz I’m not in any position to tell that for myself.)

[factoronto]

MEET THE FAC 2018 RESIDENCY ARTISTS: Katrissa Singer

What, from your life or experiences, has influenced your work most? What do you hope to achieve in your art?

I have always used my art as a means of dissecting and analyzing my experience, so whatever is going on in my life at any given moment is bound to be reflected in what I create.

For the past several years I’ve mainly been making art that speaks to navigating life with chronic illness. I’ve explored this subject from many different angles in a wide range of media. A zine poking fun at prescription medication labels, a large photographic series confronting the embodied experience of being at the mercy of medical institutions, assemblage sculptures out of prescription medicine bottles, t-shirt designs referencing the spoonie subculture, a community-based art project aiming to de-stigmatize prescription medication use, street art encouraging self-compassion, and many other smaller projects came out of this period of discovering, denying, exploring and finally accepting my limitations. I don’t think that “accepting limitations” is the same as “giving up”. It is more about finding different ways to do things, adjusting one’s expectations, reassessing priorities, or allowing oneself to grieve and move on.

Lately I’ve been going through many different transitions simultaneously, and I’m often finding myself in liminal spaces. Sometimes I am finding it hard to adapt to always being in flux, and I yearn for certainty. At other times, being-not-quite-here-but-not-there-yet-either feels perfectly natural and even a bit exciting. This is why right now I am inspired by change and growth. I want to reconcile myself with my past and let go of the baggage that’s been dragging me down. I’ve been reading a lot about the effect trauma has on our minds and bodies, and how it restricts one’s ability to think clearly, feel pleasure and bond with others. And now, more than ever, I am looking to find a way to heal and become whole. Part of this process involves exposing things that haunt me to light. There is something extremely validating in sharing a part of yourself that makes you feel alone and realizing that, in fact, many others can relate. Another part of healing, the one that I am still struggling with, is imagining a future where things are different. I am still very tentative when it comes to making plans, but I am slowly becoming more confident. I am, once again, in the in-between stage, not stuck in the past all the time yet not fully free of its burdens, still afraid to face the future, but planting seeds in the present that will hopefully thrive.

As for what I hope to achieve in my art… that’s a pretty complex question. I create for primarily selfish reasons; art makes me happy. It gives me a voice. It consoles me when nothing else can. It excites me. I am hoping that it will continue to do all these things for me, and also for others. I tell stories through my art, and if these stories help someone feel more present and connected, even for a moment, it brings me joy. I want my art to open minds, even if it sometimes means making someone feel a bit uncomfortable. Several of my projects exploit discomfort to deliver the message: Please Be Patient, for example, that will be featured in the Exposed exhibit at Scotiabank Festival involved getting my models out of their everyday clothes and into a thin paper hospital gown, making a statement about the depersonalization that occurs when individuals face institutions. I want my art to continue doing what it is doing right now, but to do it better. But most of all I wish to be able to continue creating art. I am worried that I won’t be able to afford my art practice for much longer. I am trying to “sneak” art into my future career, and I am hoping I succeed. This year, I joined Workman Arts, and they have been an amazing support. I got some training, exhibition opportunities, a few gigs, and my first grant through them, and I am incredibly grateful that this organization exists.

Can you speak to the variety of materials and methods you use in your art and why you have chosen them?

When I first imagined becoming an artist, I thought I would draw and paint. That’s pretty much what an average person asks me when I say I’m an artist: “What do you paint?” It was pretty heartbreaking for me to realize that while I am competent at both drawing and painting, I’m not in any way outstanding. At some point I gave up on art entirely because I’ve been taught that I will never be successful unless I’m absolutely amazing. I had a very limited view of what doing art can look like, and it took me a while to question where these assumptions came from, deconstruct them and shift my perspective.

Seeing art as a means of achievement rather than of expression was part of this toxic set of beliefs. Part of the process of embracing art as a way of life was discovering new media. You can use pretty much anything to make art. I have always looked up to artists who appear to effortlessly combine disparate elements and create something greater than the sum of its parts. I am drawn to contrast and reconciling the opposites.

When I am immersed in exploring new techniques and materials I get to reconnect with a sense of wonder I feared I’d lost. I allow myself to play. I feed my curiosity. I rediscover my zest for life. The downside to working in multiple media is that sometimes the learning curve is too steep and I can get frustrated and lose interest. The advantage is that I discover - often by chance - ways to transcend limitations of various media and make something that is needed. I am a synaestete, meaning that my sensory perceptions are sometimes blended: I can taste color, see sounds, etc., so engaging with new concepts and materials can be like cooking, except sometimes I set out to make a steak and discover a new flavour of ice cream.  

I am also an avid collector of oddities. I found Jesus (a baby from a nativity scene) on the sidewalk once. I love beach combing, and going to thrift stores. I see worth in things others consider to be trash, and I am often inspired by things I find littering the sidewalks. I joke that I can relate to discarded objects, because I too am broken and not very useful. Humor makes it easier to cope with the fact that my existence as an artist is directly at odds with capitalist culture, since my art practice has very little commercial value. I tackle subjects that are often quite unpalatable to the general public, and the images I produce are not the kind you’d find displayed in people’s living rooms. The saying about how art should disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed resonated with me deeply, and I often do just that.

In “Message in a Bottle”, you use pill bottles with anecdotes from individuals living with illnesses or disabilities. Is there a significance to the title of this work? Why do you think these stories are important to tell?

Ever since I read about it as a child, I have been fascinated by the idea of putting a message in a sealed container and releasing it into a body of water, hoping that it would someday be found and read.  I often daydreamed about being mired on a deserted island, and I would weave elaborate narratives about what I would do to survive and ultimately escape - a pastime many misunderstood loners could probably relate to.

When I was in the final year of my Bachelor of Fine Arts, I found myself feeling increasingly isolated - I was reeling from a cancer scare, a recent breakup, and the death of my cat. The results of the 2016 US Presidential election left me feeling absolutely hopeless: as an immigrant, a non-binary person assigned female at birth, a disabled person - I felt afraid and heartbroken for people south of the border whose lives would be negatively impacted by the change of government. I buried myself in schoolwork to cope, I wanted to feel numb but I just felt sore all over, all the time. One day I was cleaning and I came across a dozen of old medication bottles. They were mostly empty, and many were from medications I wish I hadn’t taken. I wanted to do something with them - make them part of a memorial to misdiagnosis, maybe. I didn’t have enough, so I hit up a few of my friends for empties. Then when someone dropped off an unfinished bottle of the same medication that gave me awful side effects, I wondered if they had experienced similar issues. I reached out to them and sure enough, their experience was similar to mine: the doctor had dismissed their concerns and told them to increase their dosage and come back in a few months. I felt angry. I needed to do something. As much as I felt like it, I couldn’t go yell at my doctor, because it wouldn’t change anything.

I remembered that my friend sounded relieved when I reached out to them and shared my own experience. I asked them if they would be comfortable sharing their experience with others, anonymously, via a handwritten note inside the bottle with a partially peeled off label. They said “yes”, and I put a call for submissions out of social media. I thought I would get maybe ten “bites” and use the bottles and the messages as part of my upcoming exhibit on chronic illness. I had an incredible initial response, however, and received about thirty entries in two months. I ended up scanning the bottles and their contents, and the “Message In a Bottle” series was the main work featured in my first solo exhibit titled “Spoonderland”. Throughout the duration of the exhibit, I had many people contact me, saying that they were profoundly affected by reading the messages. I decided I would continue to accept submissions, hoping to eventually exhibit again. Then I realized that if I were to confine my work to a physical space, many of the people who need to see this material the most would be unable to access it. I started Message in A Bottle Blog online, sharing one entry a week. I was aiming to keep it alive indefinitely; however, it has been difficult to collect submissions in the past six months.  I have not shared my own story on the blog yet, because I was hoping to do so on its second anniversary, which is eleven months away.  I’ve tried my best to solicit a diverse pool of respondents, but I found that the project had a few “blind spots”: voices of persons of color (especially men), cancer patients, HIV+ individuals and their partners, and people under eighteen and over sixty were conspicuously absent. I realize that there are many reasons for this, but I feel that the project is incomplete and has room to grow. I would like to continue with Message in A Bottle, but I need help. This project was created to break down stigma and give people a safe platform to share their experiences. I truly believe that sharing one’s stories of prescription medication use: the good the bad, and the ugly, can shift the existing power dynamics between doctors and patients by making people better informed about risks and benefits of certain medications and empowering individuals to advocate for themselves when they are in need of medical treatment.

You can find the Message In A Bottle Project Blog here: https://messageinabottleproject.tumblr.com

Message in A Bottle Project is still accepting submissions: https://messageinabottleproject.tumblr.com/guidelines2sub

[areyouintherelittlefetus]

So I am... not in a great place right now. After giving birth to Baby, my hormones were understandably crazy, and I was an emotional mess. I cried all the time, every day, over literally nothing. But every day things got just a little easier, and I started crying less and less. By the time I was about six weeks postpartum, I felt okay again. For a bit. And then I felt myself starting to decline again, little by little. And I remember so well this feeling, because I was on citalopram to treat depression for years before trying to conceive, and this is what it felt like in the beginning, before I finally went to the doctor to get treated.

Yesterday, though... yesterday was something else. It’s been getting a little worse every day, but yesterday it did not get a little worse. Yesterday it got a LOT worse. Yesterday I had my postpartum appointment and being in the waiting room basically killed me. Everywhere I looked there were these beautiful pregnant women with their bumps and I just felt so empty. I had been dreading that appointment for weeks, because it marked the absolute end to my pregnancy and I wasn’t ready to give that up yet. And still, I had no idea how hard it would be going there.

Pregnancy was the absolute best experience in my life. I have never been happier than I was for those months. I wanted to be a mom so badly for so long that when I finally got pregnant... I didn’t even need the citalopram. I was ecstatic all the time.

Then when I was about seven months pregnant, my husband asked me how I would feel about adoption for our second child. And I understand now why you shouldn’t make huge life decisions when you’re pregnant, because I happily agreed to his suggestion. Sure, adoption sounds wonderful. Giving a home to a child who doesn’t have one, that sounds lovely! I was so touched by his suggestion, and I felt so blessed to have married such a caring, giving man.

But the thing is... We will never be able to afford more than two children. I’ve always wanted three, and he’s known that, but we’ve talked about this many times, and the money will probably never be there. I’ve known this for years. I’ve made my peace with it.

What I did not make my peace with was that this pregnancy was going to be my last. After having her, that was it. And I did not have nearly enough time to process that before giving birth.

My husband doesn’t understand why I’m so upset. ��My opinion might change” he says, but I can’t just pretend he doesn’t feel the way he does, and hold out hope for years that he MIGHT change his mind. That’s not healthy for anyone. And he thinks that by mourning the children I don’t get to have, somehow it means I love our daughter less? He thinks that by focusing on what I’ve lost, rather than what I still have, it means that I don’t appreciate her or value her enough. That I’m putting these hypothetical children above the flesh and blood child I gave birth to less than two months ago.

That’s not true, of course, and I’ve tried to explain it to him. He says he understands, but I know he doesn’t. How could he? I barely understand what I’m feeling. I’m heartbroken that this was my last pregnancy, and only found that out when it was almost over. I feel guilty because I should be enjoying my daughter, who I truly love so much, but instead I just want to cry all the time. I feel so resentful that he would spring that on me in the middle of my third trimester, when we’ve been married for years and we spent an entire year trying to conceive her in the first place. I feel trapped, because I agreed to his suggestion so easily, and what kind of woman - what kind of MOTHER - would I be if I said no, I changed my mind, let that child stay an orphan, I want to make my own baby?

This isn’t the only problem, of course. I have depression even without this extra emotional strain. But it is extra emotional strain.

I texted my doctor a few hours ago asking if he knew any psychiatrists that speak English, because of course that’s another problem. Usually when I see a health care professional, I can make do with the Portuguese I speak if they don’t speak English. If I can’t, I always have my husband (a fellow health care professional) there to help me explain, and to give relevant medical details that I wouldn’t have known were relevant in the first place. But psychiatry is the one specialty where I’d prefer to be alone. I need to be able to talk about these feelings of resentment and hopelessness and crushing loneliness without him feeling guilty. Because he does, always, every time I ever make even a minor complaint about anything, he has to rush to fix it. That’s really sweet of him, but it’s also a huge annoyance. I remark that he forgot to get extra fries when he brought McDonald’s home for lunch? He begs forgiveness and offers to go back, right that minute, to pick up the fries. It’s exhausting. And this is for something as minor as potatoes. I’ve had to straight up say, stop. I’m sorry if it hurts you to see me sad, but please don’t tell me about it, and please stop offering to quit your job to “be there for me.” I need to be able to feel sad without feeling guilt that I’m also making my husband sad. I am not at a place right now where I can handle that emotional burden. So I need to speak to someone alone, and I need them to have a decent grasp of the English language because I can barely articulate these thoughts in my native tongue, I’ll be useless if I try to do it in Portuguese.

The other option, of course, is going right back on the same dosage of citalopram without seeing anyone.  My husband is a doctor, it’s very easy to get a prescription. It worked very well before for my depression and anxiety. But the side effects... They are something that, if I can, I’d like to avoid this go-around. For the first time in literally years, I have a sex drive again. I’m actually seeking out and enjoying sex. Both of those things happening at the same time? Probably has never happened. It took years before having sex became something I actually enjoyed (it was so, so painful for months, and then it was extremely uncomfortable for years), but then I started the citalopram and lost all desire to have sex. Sure, it didn’t hurt anymore, but I didn’t want it either - and when I did, I could rarely achieve orgasm anyway. Great! The anorgasmia disappeared shortly after getting off of the medication, but the low sex drive persisted until shortly before I conceived. And then once I did, we refrained from sex. For the first trimester it was because I bled so easily, and then later it was because my husband didn’t feel comfortable having sex when I was carrying his child, even though he knew that was ridiculous. And that’s fine, he’s allowed to have things that make him uncomfortable, and I respected that. The baby is here now, and we are finally having sex again. My sex drive actually increased, by a huge amount, on the second day postpartum. I was literally sitting in the hospital bed, tired and crying and sore and bleeding... and aroused. That was a confusing experience.

So if at all possible, I’d like to retain my sex life. This is why I need an actual specialist to see me to talk about my different treatment options, rather than going back to the 70 year old, Portuguese-speaking-only family doctor that prescribed the citalopram in the first place.

I’m still okay for now. It hasn’t yet reached the point where it’s all-encompassing. I’m in the middle of the ocean and I can’t see the shore, but at least I can still remember that there is a shore, and that I’m not as far from it as it feels. Hopefully I’ll get treatment soon enough that it doesn’t reach that point.

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 96, March 2018

On Monday morning, I went to see Dr. Mah Mah at Narre Gate Medical Center in Narre Warren. I was running late as usual having slept in this morning, that classic Beatles song “A Day In The Life” could be a running monologue to describe most Mondays for me (Woke up, fell out of bed. Dragged a comb across my head. Found my way downstairs and drank a cup. And looking up, I noticed I was late...).

The issues with my ears from the infection to blockage and soreness through the glands and sides of my face was becoming like an episode of Days Of Our Lives (Previously on Michael’s auditory health issues). I was doing everything possible to treat myself, even spending my actual birthday resting up in bed and giving myself regular doses of pain killers and antibiotics. And yet it still hadn’t cleared up or stop hurting.

Being a Monday morning, the waiting room was packed with mum, dads, tradies and annoying screeching children running around (luckily I could only partially hear them). I wished that my doctor could simply prescribe me with a new set of ears (maybe an ear transplant?) but alas that’s not realistic. She advised me to stop taking the Ciproxin ear drops and instead put 10 drops of Waxsol in each ear for the next two nights and came back to see her on Wednesday. I’ll seriously do anything at this point just to get rid of the pain and discomfort. https://1800bulkbill.com.au/medical-centre/narregate-medical-dental-centre

After my appointment, I had birthday shopping to do as it’s my Mum’s birthday tomorrow. Truthfully, I wasn’t in the best state health wise nor in the mood to be shopping but I didn’t really have a choice. Plus it’s my Mum and she’s important to me and I’ll happily put up with an ear infection for her. My first stop was JB HI-FI Narre Warren where I bumped into my friend Tom Armstrong who happens to work at the store. I briefly caught up with him and he helped me out with getting a powerbank. Tom is an absolute sweetheart, no joke!

Next stop was Chemist Warehouse to stock up on my drugs (of the prescription variety of course). I’ve made a couple of trips here recently and now it’s not as daunting and overwhelming as it usually is. I guess you slowly get used to where all the products are located plus it wasn’t that busy. I managed to be in and out within 10 minutes or so. I needed more waxsol drops, cotton balls, a liquid inhalant for my Euky Bear vapouriser and panadeine forte. https://www.chemistwarehouse.com.au/

Lastly I dropped into a lovely little shop called the Berwick Curtain Nook located inside the Village Arcade and off High Street, Berwick. Whilst I was feeling a little awkward coming here by myself, I pretty much knew what I wanted to buy Mum. I got her a paperback notebook with an elephant on the front, a ceramic ornament with a beautiful inspirational quote and a grey Scottish Terrier ornament.

The lady went to the trouble of wrapping the ornaments in tissue paper and placing them in a bright red gift bag as I mentioned that it was my Mum’s birthday tomorrow. Thankfully it didn’t quite turn into the scene from Love Actually with Rowan Atkinson going overboard with the gift wrapping (Any ribbon? Cellophane? Rose petals? A box? NO THANK YOU!) but my pain threshold wasn’t letting up. However, I was very grateful for her service considering how last minute this was. http://www.berwickcurtainnook.com.au/

On Tuesday morning, we celebrated Mum’s birthday by each having a much deserved massage at Body & Balance in Cranbourne Park Shopping Centre. We decided on getting the oil neck and shoulder massage plus reflexology foot massage and hot stone therapy. The lady did a really thorough job without going too intense in the pressure department. I could actually relax into it even with the noise of the broken air conditioner above me.

I did get myself a little confused though as the lady said something quickly and left the room. I was left there wondering if she was coming back or if I was supposed to go outside the room. I was still feeling half deaf and she was also softly spoken so it was difficult to hear her. Looking at the digital clock on the table, it read 10:30am meaning that I still had another 20 minutes and my massage wasn’t over. So therefore I trusted my instincts, got dressed and met her outside.

Mum and I both reclined back on these circular rotating arm chairs whilst our female massage therapists went to work on our feet. It’s been months since I’ve had a proper foot massage done so I could feel how tense and sensitive they were in places but it was still a lovely experience all the same. The only thing that bothered me was that the massage staff were all having a conversation in Chinese the entire time which I thought was kinda rude. But I decided to let it go and tried to focus on enjoying the massage. https://www.cranbournepark.com.au/stores/body-balance/

On Wednesday afternoon, Mum and I saw Dr. Mah Mah at Narre Gate Medical Center in Narre Warren. I think I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve been to the doctors in the past fortnight but now I’m getting over it. Thankfully the pain in my ears has eased up quite a bit and the waxsol drops have helped to soften up the ear wax blocking up the ear canals. So it was a huge relief when Mah Mah could syringe my ears so that I could hear clearly again.

I also decided to get a blood test ordered as it’s been over a year since my last one. She added a FBE (Full Blood Count), Urea/Electrolyte/Creatine, Cholesterol/Triglycerides/HDL/LDL, Glucose, TSH (Thyroid Stimulating Hormone) and TES (Testosterone) levels. Over the past couple of months, I’ve noticed that I’ve been having periods of low energy and chronic fatigue so I think a blood test would be really helpful in figuring out what I’m deficient in.

In addition (I literally had a list of things to see her about today, no joke!), I wanted to get the dosage of my antidepressants increased. I’ve been taking Zoloft (Sertraline) tablets at 150mg for about 5 months now and my psychologist recommended that I increase it up to 200mg due to scoring a severe level of anxiety on a recent assessment I did. Plus I have noticed that there are times where the antidepressants seem ineffective when it comes to my mood so it couldn’t hurt to try increasing it.

On Thursday morning, I had my first Employ Your Mind session with my support worker Ally Lamb at Wise Employment Narre Warren. Basically, EYM is “a program that helps build the thinking and social skills that are important for work and other areas of life”. Ally recommended it to be as she knows how much I struggle with communication in social situations and dealing with my mental health issues. http://www.fifeemploymentaccesstrust.com/employ-your-mind.html

The first session was pretty straight forward and more of an introduction to the program. There are four phases in total which each run for 6 weeks with a short break in between. Phase 1 is done individually with the learning coach (Ally Lamb) whilst Phases 2,3 and 4 are run in small groups. We went through what her role as a learning coach is and I also filled in a questionnaire called the General Self Efficacy Scale.

The second part of the session involved the concept of cognitive remediation and going through parts of the human brain (frontal lobe, parietal lobe, occipital lobe, cerebellum, temporal lobe, brain stem). Basically it’s about being able to improve cognitive or thinking skills. Lastly we discussed how mental health issues can affect or impact upon cognitive skills and make it even more difficult to learn, concentrate and retain information. http://www.wiseemployment.com.au/en/community/ndis-supports-and-services/

Unfortunately my ears were still not 100% clear even after I got them syringed/irrigated at the doctors yesterday. It’s hard to explain but they still “feel” blocked even though my hearing is a lot better than it was earlier this week. I could be experiencing tinnitus or that my ear canals are too dry and not lubricated enough. Hopefully it clears up and heals naturally over the next few days.

On Friday morning, Mum and I went to the Morning Melodies social function at the Waltzing Matilda Hotel in Springvale. We were running late (no surprises there!) so we didn’t end up getting to the function room until around 10.45am or so. Thankfully we caught most of the performance though. Today we had Brian Muldoon doing the “Johnny O’Keefe tribute” show. It was partly a history lesson as Brian talked about Johnny’s life back in the early 60’s and 70’s, the television shows we became known for and the downward spiral that followed due to his mental illness.

Brian performed many of his classic hits including Shout!, Sing Sing Sing, She Wears My Ring, So Tough, The Sun’s Gonna Shine Tomorrow, It’s too late she’s gone, The Wild One and She’s My Baby. Most of Johnny O’Keefe’s songs carried a positive, uplifting message to them in order to help people’s moods up and push through the tough times in life. I feel like this is very relevant to the challenges we face in life today. https://www.entertainoz.com.au/listings/brian-muldoon/artist_profile_details

On Friday night, I went to a Vinyasa flow yoga class with Jade Hunter at YMCA Casey ARC, Narre Warren. I haven’t been to a fitness class in nearly two weeks now due to my health problems and being busy with other commitments like my birthday, appointments and my VCAT hearing. However, considering my ears were feeling a lot better, I decided to go back tonight. It’s funny how quickly you miss the gym when you haven’t been for a while.

I also read that certain yoga poses can help to unblock and relieve the pressure built up inside the ear canals so there’s another good reason to do. Tonight was a little more challenging than usual with lots of balancing, twists and binds thrown into the mix. I wasn’t really prepared for all of that nor did I have the flexibility to do everything Jade was demonstrating (Putting my legs behind my head? Yeah right!).

We did our usual Vinyasa flow sequence (Downward Facing Dog, Plank, Chaturanga, Cobra/Updog) plus Standing Poses (Warrior 2, Standing Forward Bend, Half Lift, Chair pose, Reverse Triangle pose), Seated Poses (Boat pose, Staff pose, Wide Legged Forward Bend, Happy Baby) and Inversions (Shoulder Stand, Plow pose). I could hear my ears popping which was a good sign plus my body heated up quite quickly during the class.

Jade does go the extra mile though considering we are doing yoga inside a creche. She added candles, burning incense, beautiful yoga music and some brass Tibetan bowls and chimes to the space which gave it the appropriate atmosphere for a yoga class. https://www.doyouyoga.com/the-perfect-vinyasa-flow-routine-for-beginners-30159/

[jonathanleesink]

Healing the Hurt

Originally posted on November 7, 2016

Up until this point, I have talked to you about my sobriety. I gave up drinking on March 9, 2016…exactly 242 days ago. If you’ve been reading, I have touched on struggles I’ve had with anxiety also. I haven’t really given the topic a great narrative yet though. In a nutshell, I have anxiety, and I used to self-medicate those issues with alcohol. Oh, I also take anti-depressants. Let’s talk about it.

A couple years back when I realized I was significantly suffering with anxiety I made a visit to my doctor. During the appointment we discussed the anxiety, I took a brief mental health quiz, and I was quickly given a prescription of Lexapro and sent on my way. I started taking this daily anti-depressant with great hopes of it calming my mind and finding relief from the constant anxiety that consumed my mind. I took the dosage the doctor prescribed for over a year. To my dissatisfaction, I wasn’t getting the relief I was hoping for. I was still drinking at the time, too. I decided to visit my doctor again, and he doubled my dosage. I was at the maximum dosage of Lexapro. I quickly learned that I did not like the doubled dose of this medication. I felt like a zombie with no feeling at all, good or bad. I knew I needed to get off this medication. It was right around this time I decided to take the plunge of living an alcohol free lifestyle, and more or less a healthy lifestyle overall.

As you’ve heard, on March 9th of this year, I gave up alcohol and became a vegetarian. I also decided I wanted to get off of all prescription meds. I was on two…one for my hiatal hernia and the Lexapro for the anxiety. The hiatal hernia meds were no problem stopping after I changed my eating and drinking behavior. Then I stopped taking my maximum dose of Lexapro cold-turkey. I quickly learned that that was a horrible idea. My body went numb and dizzy, and was going into a serious Lexapro withdrawal. I did a bunch of research and learned that anti-depressants need to be tapered off of, and to NEVER quit cold turkey. I got back on the medication just for the sake of tapering off of it. For the next couple months I followed a gradual taper down plan. After getting it down to a very small amount, the withdrawal symptoms started coming back. I don’t really know how to describe them, but I felt awful. After a talk with the doc, I got back on the minimum dose of Lexapro, which at least made the withdrawal symptoms subside.

The desire to get off of Lexapro never went away. I have had a change of heart though regarding the desire to stop taking anti-depressants all together. Lexapro didn’t work for me. One thing I’ve learned in this journey is that there are many medications, and they all work a little differently for everyone. So just a few weeks ago I made it back to that doctor of mine, but this time I was educated and had experience to help with what I was asking for. My goal going in was to get a plan for getting off Lexapro for good and to get a new prescription for an alternative medication. I left the doctor’s office with exactly what I set out to do. The doc had me start taking Wellbutrin, while at the same time start tapering off of the Lexapro. His methodology was essentially to ramp one up, while at the same time ramping the other down. I was optimistic, but also nervous of the plan.

I started this plan about four weeks ago, and as of this morning I took my last Lexapro pill yesterday. I am fully ramped up on Wellbutrin, and have been for four weeks. The big thing that I was nervous about would be if the withdrawal symptoms still occurred. Well, they’re not nearly as intense as my last attempt, but they are still there. The withdrawal symptoms started a couple of weeks ago, and I think the worst of the symptoms peaked about a week later. The symptoms come and go, and I am constantly reminding myself that they will eventually go away completely. So what exactly are the symptoms? The most significant symptom for me are these things called ‘brain zaps’. Here is a description of these zaps defined by the Anxiety Centre.

It feels as if your head, brain, or both have experienced a sudden shake, vibration, tremor, jolt, electric shock, or zap. Some people describe the head and brain zaps symptoms as if the brain has been suddenly jolted by electricity or strong electric charge. Others describe it as having a sudden intense head or brain tremor, shake, or vibration. The head and brain zaps symptoms generally come out of nowhere and don’t have a logical explanation. These head and brain zaps usually last only a few brief moments and then disappear. The brain zap feeling can affect a small part of your head or brain, many parts of them, or all of them. The head and brain zaps symptoms can occur rarely, frequently, or persistently. They can be associated with anxiety and stress, or for no apparent reason. The head and brain zaps symptoms can be slight, moderately strong, or severe. All variations and combinations of the above are common.

For me, the brain zaps are intensified when turning my head around (like when needing to back a car up), or making sudden shifts to what I’m looking at. The brain zaps are the worst, but another constant symptom is a foggy brain feeling. Plus occasional emotional and anxious moments hit me when I least expect them to.

When I step back from the symptoms for a minute and just think about what is going on in my body, it is some scary shit. I was given medication from a doctor to help me. Instead, I got a medication that did not help at all, and it then created a chemical dependence that is a bitch to get off of. I’m not going to get into the subject of drug companies and doctors being in cahoots with one another and over-prescribing medications…but I think that is a conversation that definitely needs to be had.

Of course, I am very aware that my new prescription of Wellbutrin could give me similar struggles if and when I decide to stop taking it. I have done a bit of research on Wellbutrin and it appears to have a longer half-life than Lexapro…which should make the withdrawal easier when that time comes.

Believe it or not, I don’t vocally share this kind of information with anyone. Sharing it in my blog is my way to get it out there, and to hopefully help someone with similar struggles. My hope is that this is also a reminder to everyone that many people suffer with mental illness, and they are doing their best to rein their struggles in and be a functional member of society. Mental health struggles cannot be seen, and I’d bet the majority of sufferers keep it to themselves. I guess what I am trying to say is to be kind to people, because you don’t know what’s really going on with that person. You can tell people to “relax”, “chill-out”, or “cheer-up” all you want…but it’s not always that easy for some people to do. I know those sentiments probably have the best intentions, but I can’t flip a switch to instantly appear normal.

Like my history with drinking, which I have been sharing with you for the past six months, anxiety is another area I struggle with. Anxiety is what increased my drinking from a social beer connoisseur to a way to self-medicate the anxiety. I got through giving up alcohol, and I will get through my anti-depressant withdrawal too. I am learning how to deal with life’s stressors alcohol free, but I have also learned that taking medication for mental illness is not a weakness when taken appropriately. If you’re struggling with anxiety, depression, or any other mental illness…please seek help. There is a lot of help out there, so don’t be afraid to ask for it. You’re worth it. I am also a big proponent of meditation and mindfulness to help aide in my quest for a peaceful mind.

The election is tomorrow, so it would probably be a great day to start a meditation practice if you don’t have one. Emotions are high right now. I am very interested in politics and I definitely have a candidate I’m rooting for, but I have kept relatively quiet in this election cycle. The main reason I have been tame is simply to keep my emotions in check, and to not instigate unneeded anxiety in myself. I hope everyone gets out and votes tomorrow. Talk to you soon.