#posting now because i dont know if ill have the wifi to post on the 24th

[jackmerrideeznuts]

LETS GOOO LOTFMAS!!!! GRAWARRRRRRRR @lotf-secret-santa this was SO FUN!!

I was the secret santa for @quackoyesyes !! happy holidays :) some jack n simon for you!!!!!

[majorasnightmare]

Inevitable Gerudo Headcanon Posting

i spend too much time thinking about the gerudo like genuinely theyre one of my favorite recurring tribes in the zelda series, which as we all know is a form of suffering because god forbid nintendo stop relying on racist tropes and caricatures.

keeping in line with this nintendos portrayal of the gerudo tends to either be 1) why theyre bad, and/or 2) how a culture of all women has kids. like thats an oversimplification of ALLL the problems present in the gerudos portrayal but thats a different post for another time. in general i bring this up because it means, for me as well as any others interested and invested un the gerudo, that there is a kind of generalized lack of pre botw characterization or cultural concepts to work with, esp when compared to the other tribes of hyrule. (looks pointedly at how theres no gerudo in the gerudo desert but there is a prison slash execution site where their king was held. LOOKS AT WHO SURVIVED THE PROLOGUE CUTSCENE IN WINDWAKER)

ANYWAYS. botw was really fun because, while it had plenty of its own issues with the gerudo, they were at least non hostile! so with that in mind, the headcanons and worldbuilding i write primarily apply to the wilds era gerudo, which spans the timeframe between ganondorfs reign as king to totk (suspending disbelief because that timeframe is. by all accounts. longer than recorded human history. friendly reminder ganondorf does All That before we even get sheikah wifi towers. christ.)

anyways. second verse same as the first, core assumptions and then a readmore

Some core assumptions:

The BotW branch of the timeline is chronologically set AFTER the previous timeline, ie the events of ToTKs ancient past is set AFTER the last event of the Hyrule Historia timeline. essentially they all come back together to form one line that makes up ToTKs ancient era

The biggest effect on Hyrules topography was the flooding in Wind Waker. after an unknown point, the flooding ocean receded leaving behind the ruins of ancient Hyrule. at some point after that, the zonai settled parts of it and made the buildings wed see as ruins by the time of BotW. slowly the various tribes of hyrule immigrated back

all peoples within the setting of hyrule are loosely grouped into categories called tribes. in this sense, tribe refers a collection of peoples with shared traits, without anything concretely set in stone (for example, hyrule includes the tribe of hylians, the tribe of gorons, the tribe of koroks, etc etc). the main six who show up repeatedly can be considered the sage tribes (gerudo, hylian, sheikah, rito, goron, zora), and the various types of enemies can be considered the monster tribes (the blin tribe of bokoblin, moblin, bulblin, etc)

so. starting at the beginning. near entirely headcanons

in ocarina of time, we see the spirit temple, where Nabooru awakens as a sage. this temple features a MASSIVE statue of a woman adorned with a snake and its primary mechanic centers around mirrors and reflected light. while the mirrors return, we dont really get that same kind of implied spiritual/religious focus again. so instead im going to make a mountain out of a molehill and position her as the primary spiritual figure here. im running low on name ideas tho so suggestions are much appreciated. for right now ill refer to her as the serpent goddess

the gerudo are culturally a people of function over form, practicality over whimsy, but when circumstances allow for it, are drawn like any other to arts and music and decoration. they have a long history of bloody, brutal battle, and while the war has long since ended, its kings buried and its warriors naught but ghosts, the desert remembers. its sands haunted by the bloodstains of conflict past, and echoes of ancient tragedies. the gerudo here in the era of wilds may have lost their records of their ancient history of conflict, but some aspects, preserved by the sands, have managed to survive the onslaught of time

surviving all this time is the ancient creation myth of the gerudo people. as legend tells it, long ago in the time before myth, there existed a goddess whos power was transformation. she was possessed of two forms, one a proud humanoid figure, the other a striking serpentine form twisting through the heavens with ease, her scales glittering with mirror sheen. to shift from serpent to human, she would shed her skin, and grow it back again to embrace her serpentine form anew

seven times she shed her skin, and from these shed skins rose the first gerudo, each embodying a key aspect of their sacred mother. the serpent goddess's scales are each a nascent soul of a gerudo, and when those scales are shed and fall to the land below, a new gerudo is born. likewise, when a gerudo dies, their soul returns to the scales of the serpent goddess, to await until they would descend again and reincarnate once more. the seven daughters of the serpent goddess led these gerudo as their guardians, leaders, and protectors. but, away from the seven heroines and their new people, the goddess shed her skin an eighth time. this daughter was born alone, and while her sisters embodies the strengths of spirit, flight, endurance, knowledge, motion, skill, and gentleness, the eighth was born with insatiable wanderlust. learning of this, the seven sisters cursed her name for leaving them and their people behind, and despite their shared ancestry, the eighth was forbidden to be spoken of. this suited her just fine, and the eighth was free to walk the land and learn all of its hidden paths

in time, war came to the gerudo, as it often does. though they were united, and strong, they were a small collection of people, and thus despite their proficiency were threatened nonetheless. it became clear at last that they could not stand and fight, and that to survive, they could not remain in place for long. but the enemy had pushed them deep into their home, and knew all the paths back. as hope seemed lost, as if summoned by call, the eighth sister at last wandered home. calling her seven sisters to her, she proclaimed that every hidden step was known to her, and while she lacked the power to guide them on her own, together they would escape unseen into the night, their enemy none the wiser. thus, skillfully guiding the skills of her sisters, the eighth heroine led the gerudo into safety, and the seven were humbled from their pettiness. seeking to apologize to the sister they had banished and forgotten, the seven sought to make amends, but the eighth was content merely to have a place of remembrance among them. to wander is not a sin, as long as one remembers where their home lies.

the eight heroines have long since passed and returned to their mothers scales, but the virtues they embody are cherished by the gerudo family they left behind, seeking to hold their memory close even as the years wear on

to the gerudo was bestowed the blessing of the element of Spirit, embodied by their iron wills and manifesting as crackling lightning. this spirit lightning is the gerudo's will made tangible, arcing out towards their target as an extension of their focus and sheer determination. to a gerudo, nothing is impossible until one has devoted themselves entirely to it, giving it their all, and only then may it be conceded

a long history of persecution has resulted in the gerudo being increasingly insular and isolationist. their admiration of the art of combat and how it can bring forth an individuals talents, achieving a perfect harmony between body and will as the weapon became an extension of ones limbs, was often perceived as aggression by outsiders, who would react as if to defend their own interests. the gerudo have suffered much at the hands of hyrule at large, and have pulled further and further away.

as the gerudo pulled away from hyrule, and hyrule from them, they devoted most of their attention to themselves. cooperation amongst themselves is seen as paramount to their survival, and familial affection often extends well past ones blood relations.

the gerudo value family, and loyalty, alongside independence and cooperation. everyone should have the opportunity to pursue their goals, but if someone is struggling, it is the responsibility of everyone to help. children are raised by as many people as are available, and even in the times of monarchy, the palace was less a formal dwelling place belonging to the gerudo ruler and more a public forum that the ruler simply happened to live in

most of the palaces amenities are fully public, a tradition that has carried on to riju's time. meals are communal and the kitchens open to all, and the palace has no strictly dedicated servants, merely a collection of amenities the gerudo people are free to use at will and often do so together. what this means is that there is no servant, for example, dedicated to preparing riju's meals but instead a collection of people willing to cook and willing to eat making meals riju partakes in, and this applies to most other menial tasks as well. the throne room is where the leader of the gerudo engages in their job as public servant, attending to the needs of the gerudo at large and responding to crises as they arise.

as nintendo is keen to point out, the gerudo are a people that are predominantly "all women", and thus spends plenty of time going over dialogue wherein people wonder how they have children and including a plethora of sidequests in the wilds era about acquiring partners. im ignoring all of that and instead going by lizard rules, in part because here theyre descended from a serpent dragon goddess, wherein a population of all female lizards were able to successfully maintain a stable population and have children without major issue. gerudo like ganondorf are the equivalent of a rare genetic mutation that flips some other genes on and has a different result, that really doesnt affect anything besides this one kid and doesnt have any major effects or differences in their life. two gerudo are perfectly capable of having kids together, having relationships as usual, and on the topic of "how do the gerudo have kids", thats all i really feel like exploring that topic

with an insular, isolationist culture that appeared for all intents and purposes to be all women, the gerudo were often a source of major culture shock when interacting with the other tribes of hyrule, most notably hylians

bonus hylian lore: hylians experience an even greater lack of sexual dimorphism than irl humans do, so gender presentation is near exclusively presentation based, with a heavy emphasis on clothing. showing skin is considered an act of emotional intimacy, and most hylians opt to cover as much as they can. the intensity of presentation scales upwards with their role in society, with the royal family having the most extreme form of gender presentation. gender is presented through clothing style and hair length, with ornamentation, jewelry, and piercings serving as a kind of intensifier, and hylian culture at large tends to operate on a sliding scale of masculine to feminine, with the middle androgynous zone being a weird gender spot for them

the gerudo, by contrast, never really developed a concept of masculinity versus femininity. gender pronouns in gerudo are based on personal proximity, occupation in society, and familiarity. these barely translate at all into hyrulean.

as the gerudo, by circumstance or by choice, interacted with hylians and the tribes of hyrule more and more often, some kind of understanding had to be reached with regards to translation. as relations were already terse, making an attempt to fully translate the gerudos understanding of gender to your average hylian was considered a fools errand, and thus translation was done in broad strokes, giving hylians the simplest root form of gender pronouns (and none of the increasingly specific declensions). loosely, the term vai is closer in concept to "us" and voe is closer to "not us" "foreigner" "outsider", and has taken on a connotation of " forbidden" or "taboo" (leading to wilds era gerudo secret clubs often imploying translatable Adult Puns regarding their catering to voe and the overall titillating atmosphere they tend to put on for customers). with regards to hylians, the feminine princesses and queens had more in common with the gerudo and were thus "vai", but the masculine kings and soldiers, who were often the main figures pushing aggressive efforts into conquering or otherwise absorbing the gerudo into hyrule, were "voe". this was then distributed in various guides to understanding the gerudo language as " vai" meaning "woman" and "voe" meaning man

gerudo town, as the capital of their people and general hub, has a law banning the entrance of voe. at the time if its writing, this was a fairly obvious law, because most "people who are forbidden" are forbidden from entering. as time has passed, hostilities cooled, and relations warmed, this law has been the subject of a long struggle of interpretation. it doesnt translate well into nearly any other language, and thus who counts as "voe" and "vai" is subject to endless debate. the differences in gender perception are most clearly on display with the admittance of the gorons. one might assume that the gorons, being a monogendered people who typically use masculine terms of identity and endearment in hyrulean, to thus qualify as voe, but the gorons cooperative nature, near uniform monogendered culture, and emphasis on hard work and independence has enough in common with your average gerudo that considering them as vai is a no brainer

ganondorf thus is also, clearly, considered vai. the specific pronouns he uses in his native gerudo include declensions regarding his position as royalty (one that has since gone out of use and is fairly archaic now, only really being used as a kind of neo-pronoun by current era gerudo as a rebellious self identification thing), his relation as the only child of koume and kotake, and are conjugated based on relation between the speaker and him. in the ancient era, calling ganondorf voe would be so confusing as to not even read as an insult. if one really wanted to refer to ganondorf with a tone of insult, theyd substitute the declension of familiarity with one used for strangers

ganondorf achieved his position as king the old fashioned way: a gift from his moms. ancient era gerudo practiced typical monarchy with a line of succession, and koume and kotake named him as the next royal of the gerudo as their heir. the hyruleans, seeing a masculine gerudo of royal birth, referred to him as "king", and correcting a culture of people he had little respect for was just a waste of ganondorfs time. after ganondorfs sealing, the gerudo changed to the current system of chiefs, wherein the current chief names a successor, or by default passes it onto their living heir. a system is in place to democratically install a new chief if the current one passes without naming a child their heir, or naming a successor in their place, a system drafted and then used in ganondorfs absence. riju thus inherited the mantle from her mother, but could opt instead to force a vote, or have such a vote forced on her due to her age, leading to much of her insecurity seen in BotW. this system has proven to be relatively stable, especially coupled with the continued tradition of keeping the palace an open public forum

the first chief of the gerudo was nabooru, advised by the sage of lightning we see in totk, following ganondorfs sealing

the gerudo are very familiar with the souls of the dead. poes, souls lost and aimless, wander the desert after millennia of bloodshed. thus their funerary customs have persisted, even as the folklore behind them fades in and out of memory.

a person perceives reality through their body. they know the sky is above them both by craning their neck up, and by the sensation of ground beneath them. in death, one is bodiless, and sensation becomes a confusing, directionless onslaught. it is so easy for a spirit to become lost, unable to orient themselves. the gerudos funerary rites seeks to aid these souls in their journey towards returning to the serpent goddess, as without guidance they are liable to become poes. the body after death is merely an empty receptacle, and on a practical level is a potential draw for dangerous desert scavengers seeking an easy meal. the shifting sands and hard soil makes burial difficult to impossible, so instead the gerudo burn their dead. smoke is ephemeral and thus able to be seen by spirits, and even as the wind rushes, smoke will still travel upwards towards the heavens. a spirit will linger by its body for a time, and thus cremation helps provide guidance to the dead. unable to feel the earth beneath them, the dead can follow the trails of smoke to orient themselves upwards, and dispel lingering confusion

as the body is burned both to guide the departed's soul and to ward away scavengers, the gerudo inter their belongings into gravesites instead, usually one or a small collection of items that the deceased valued or were considered emblematic of them. having a proud history of warriors, many gerudo consider their weapons extensions of themselves, and thus many gravesites will consist of a single weapon.

the sage of lightnings temple served as the primary gravesite for many gerudo, and in its heyday was decorated with love and care as befitting its role. torches burned bright in its sconces and the walls painted with care in massive sweeping murals. here in the temple, a foreigners idea of the gerudo as austere and practical would fall away, as the halls shone with warmth and color, taken from their desert home

lost souls that become poes often end up becoming consumed by their regrets and despair at their inability to find their way back to reincarnation through the serpent goddess's scales, and from there turn to rage and aggression. the sunlight glinting off of the goddess's mirror scales will blind and disorient the dead who have lost their way, as they try in vain to rely on their half forgotten senses, and thus poes eschew the day in favor of the cover of night. though incorporeal, poes move as fast as the desert winds, and try all they can to cause mischief and havoc. usually the end result of their shenanigans is light injuries and scratches, but it isn't uncommon for a waylaid traveller or adrenaline seeking youngster to suffer fatal consequences. despite this, poe hunting tends to be the go-to act of rebellion for antsy teenagers with a taste for danger. in general, one of the only things fast enough to strike a poe is a fired arrow

as the sands grew and the desert expanded, it grew more and more difficult for the steeds of the gerudo to gallop across the dunes, and they were driven further and further back until the gerudo phased out their horseback traditions entirely

and as an AU specific trivia tidbit

after ganondorf's sealing, nabooru grieved the loss of her childhood friend by constructing a dedicated tomb to house ganondorf's gravesite. even though he wouldn't die, nabooru would never live to see him again, and in traditional gerudo fashion, his gravesite is marked by his signature trident, further imbued by nabooru's blessing of lighting (in a similar fashion to urbosa's fury, despite urbosa not being a sage).

[louscartridge]

Hiiiiii!!!! Can you write Ranboo x reader who is feminine presenting and nonbinary, maybe someone tells them that they aren’t actually nonbinary because they’re “to feminine”???

It’s cool if not, ur super talented!

a/n- sorry this took a bit i kinda forgot i write LMAO idrk if i like this espesially the end but i used something that happend to me to make this so idk BUT TYSM I HOPE YOU LIKE IT

i do not give permission for my fics to be posted claiming to be yours, translated, or posted on another platform without credit

cw- your friend being an ass and drunk, slight overthinking, comfort, fluff, lower case intended.

youve been on facetime with your friend for a few hours now. she got drunk and you decided to stay on facetime with her to make sure she doesnt do anything stupid. its been comfortable silence for a bit, you both doing your own thing.

“are you a girl?” she suddenly said.

“w-what?” you asked shocked.

“i thought you were nonbinary?”

“i am”

“then why do you look like a girl?”

you dont answer for a few seconds, many thoughts going through your head. ‘shes just drunk’ ‘she doesnt know what shes saying’

after mumbling a ‘i dont know’ you turn your wifi off and watch your screen say ‘poor connection’ for a few seconds before you hang up. you get up from the chair you were sitting on in the kitchen with a sigh and slowly head to ranboos room. 

opening the door to ranboos room and see him on his gaming chair. he doesnt have his mask on tho so you know hes not streaming. 

“ran?” you ask carefully 

at the sound of your voice, he quickly turns around in his chair with a cheerful hum. however, his cheerful mood quickly drops when he hears your question. 

“do you see me as a girl?” 

“what?” 

“do you view of me as a girl?”

“im confused”

“like are you with me because im a ‘girl’. do you think of me as a girl?” 

“what? no! im with you because your you.” ranboo responds pulling you onto his chair with him. “im with you as you are and your gender doesnt change anything” he continues reassuringly. 

“so youd still love me even if i wasent as feminine?” you overthink.

“of couse i would” he confirms kissing the top of your head.

after a little bit you found yourself on the bed sitting in-beteween his legs, his arms wrapped around you watching your favorite show.  

“hey ran?” you ask breaking the lack of you two talking. 

“yeah love?” he replies. 

“i love you.” you say looking up at him. “and thank you for everything” you say with a gentile and tired smile.

“i love you too” he hummed kissing you. “and you dont have to thank me. ill always be here for you for anything no matter what.” 

“ill always be here for you too ranboo” you say snuggling even more into him.

[enlighten3d]

ok another ask because you are fun

explain the minecraft guys with the ken and wifies and parrot in simple beginner terms. I know absolutely nothing and i want a basic understanding so that i can start to digest whats actually happening 'cause as i understand it, a LOT is happeneing

cackles evilly you will regret asking this.

okay so. theres two things happening here. theres the kww collab (fandom-given name) and unstable universe. ill explain both !

so the kww collab (that playlist is not chronological, its recommended watch order imo) is a series of. okay its mostly three videos, all released on june 29th, 2024. its a very very late april fools thing LMAO. theres the main three videos (main two actually, and then theres the true creator which is an epilogue of sorts), and then theres. the supplementals ig? two short videos (from wato and from ken), and a prologue in the form of a weird short part of a video released three months earlier by wato)

and the kww collab thing is PROOOBABLY a part of kenadians general april fools lore thing (heres a playlist)! we only know this because we see wato wear a mask in the true creator thats. a kenadian lore thing. so quickly, ill summarise both the ken lore and the kww collab:

ken lore is essentially that shes debunking fake 'prison' (its actually rly bad escape rooms) escapists, notably this guy named omziscool, but then omz quit youtube and ken essentially made him into an oc LMAO. so in the lore, ken is debunking omz and finally defeats him, and. gets the mask that omz wore. and omz dies i think, after thanking ken. so the mask was making him fake escape rooms and be insane abt hoppers (its a thing). but ken now has the mask, and is wearing it, so they go a bit insane too and... kill a hundred thousand ppl using hoppers. and then he loses the mask somehow. is in jail. abt to be transported to the prison that they themselves built. then theres a video where theyre on a train to said prison, almost escape, and then get their memory wiped again I THINK?? and. then we never got an escape from the daedalus prison.

and the kww collab is basically. ken goes to debunk wifies (an actually legit escape room escapist), goes to spy on him, finds out that theres TWO wifies (henceforth theyre evilfies and clonefies). one, evilfies, is helping out clonefies from the outside, like chanigng the weather or flatout cheating. clonefies has no clue this is happening and thinks its all legit. ken confronts evilfies, learns that cloenfies is a clone made to fake escape rooms bcs evilfies just wants that sweet video revenue, and ken gets sent into the escape room themselves (clonefies softlocked himself btw). so ken goes through the escape room (solving it a second time bcs thats possible here), finds clonefies, and they escape together. they track down evilfies, ken realises that shes had Character Development (aka she actually cares abt clonefies now), and they confront evilfies. and clonefies challenges him to trivia to the death bcs if theyre the same person then whoever knows more should be the real wifies. but its rigged in clonefies favour, evilfies is Dead, yayy they win!!

AND THEN YOU WATCH THE TRUE CREATOR AND NOTHING MAKES SENSE ANYMORE. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO SAY HERE. basically we see wato being interrogated by ken and wifies, and camera footage of wato (WEARING WIFIES CLOTHES AND THE FUCKING OMZ MASK) going through the escape room after ken did (thus solving it for a THIRD time), going to the evil lair, picking up a wifies head, and dying. and. yeah we have no actual clue whats happening here, its v confusing. but. yeah omz mask is there, watos memory is fucked up.

thats the kww collab. i personally hc that uu and kww collab are in the same universe and that uu!wifies and uu!ken are kww!wifies and kww!ken. they are the Same Thing to me.

now, unstable universe.. this ones harder to explain. have an explanation post i made an hour ago: here. read that, that goes over the basics of what uu IS.

so whats most relevant here is parrots pov of uu, and. basically hes just doing shit and wifies shows up, and they end up being rlyyy close, and would do almost anth for eachother. ken shows up and then, in my head, the kww!loyalty duo (thats ken and wifies) dynamic gets superimposed onto uu!loyalty duo and its rly interesting, yeah?

so. yeah thats the whole thing basically explained. iirc this ask was sent around the time i explained rau?? like. i dont actually fucking remember, i thinkt hat was a week ago. but. whatever. for rau, kww is canon to uu, which im sure explains a lot of shit. and. if im very wrong abt the timing of this ask, heres my bad explanation of rau (my beloved au that im so very insane abt): here. so much angst.

uhh yeah thats about it. sorry this is fucking LONGGG. i hope i have answered your questions !!! i rly do !! im. ASK ANY SPECIFICS AND I WOULD BE SO GLAD TO ANSWER??? this is rly a heavily-summarised ver of everything, and i can provide a summary of parrots uu too if you want (that would be Long), but. i really do just recommend watching kww collab at the very least, im so insane abt it. rahh !!

[latetaektalk]

hi! i’m the one who asked about the time and i’m really sorry that you felt rushed because of my question. i have a very limited data (we currently don’t have wifi) as i was at school earlier so i tried to ask (bs i got too excited) since i’m trying to limit my data consumption. i realize now that i was selfish on that part and it was very inconsiderate of me, i deeply apologize that you felt rushed because of that. please take your time, i’m really really sorry :(

hey youre all good!! i know it wasnt ill-intentioned at all and im not mad or anything 💕its just a little exhausting because actually youre not the only one whos been asking.

i have several asks in my inbox from today either telling me its saturday or asking me where the chapter is and when i will be posting. i know all of these asks were sent to me because people are excited and i so so so appreciate it and im incredibly thankful (please dont think otherwise), but its also just the truth that these kinds of asks stress me out

ive also had several asks from a couple days ago that i straight up deleted asking me why i need to post teasers and why i cant just drop it now. and again, i know people are excited for the chapter (so am i for you guys to read it!!) but i post teasers and set the release date for a reason!! i genuinely see no point in telling me to do it differently. i like the posting system i have right now and honestly i dont think ill ever do it any other way

[genderfluid-faerie-bf]

large, large vent post. tw's in tags

before i begin. this isn't an 'i can't do this anymore' post. i can still do this. i'm going to be fine. it's more of a 'i should not have to do this' post. i. hate my family. every single person. i don't care anymore. i wish i had the strength to just. say it all. say every venomous, violent, awful thought in my head because god knows they deserve it. the intense. the everything, i don't know where to begin. i have anxiety. i have been diagnosed with anxiety. it's a known thing. and i have struggled for years. years. i can recall being eight years old, lying in the bunk bed i shared with my little brother, and lying awake terrified. i have not had a single nights sleep where i didnt lie awake panicking for an hour or two before i could finally rest since then. i'm almost eighteen now. my family is transphobic. not homophobic- just transphobic. small blessings, i suppose. as you could guess from my url, i'm genderfluid and amab. i wear dresses. i wear crop tops and makeup and i want. to look like a girl some days. here's some reactions from my immediate family: younger brother, 15: you look like a retard father: why would you do that youngest brother, 9: that's a nice dress. looks gross with the armpit hair tho mother: *disgusted face* I wish i weren't with them. being around my family causes my anxiety to spike and me to have a panic attack. my heart races, i begin to sweat, i can't think properly. if it get's worse, i start to shake, and begin feeling nauseated. any worse, and i throw up. the earlier symptoms, i have every. single. time. i sit down in the same room as a family member. i feel so unsafe i've taken to barricading the door to my room, so i can have some space where i won't be in fear. i flinch whenever one of them reaches near me, although the only one that has actually hit me in like. five years. is my youngest brother.(although they all have at some point) with all of this in mind, i have to stop barricading my door, or i need to find somewhere else to live. i need to shave every day, or i need to find somewhere else to live. i've already been forced to leave my home once. eventually, i had to come back as well. i. am. not. safe. i have what is considered disordered eating- although i consider it very probable it's evolved into an actual eating disorder. probably anorexia. the idea of eating very nearly anything makes me feel ill. some things i used to love (pasta, for instance) cause me to physically retch. i dont know why. i struggle so badly with trusting people that i overshare everything, and even the smallest things can set me off. i nearly stabbed myself yesterday because my wifi went out and i couldnt talk to my safe person. i tried to drown myself, over lockdown, making me the third person in this five person family to nearly drown me. although the others were accidental and years ago dw. my younger brother was the first person to call me a faggot. it was meant as a joke, to show off to his stupid friends. it still hurt. my mother tore up one of my books in front of me, years ago. she can't even remember it. it still hurt. i don't know what i can say. i want to break things, i want them to hurt the way i have been hurt. but i can't. i can't make myself do that. and it makes me weak.

[bigshotdaily]

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LOVE YOU #BIGSHOTNATION

♥️🧡💛💚💙💜

[localvoidwhumper-moved]

HELLO WHUMP COMMUNITY.

A GREMLIN IS FINALLY COMING OUT OF THEIR LITTLE CAVE AND THAT GREMLIN IS ME

so hi there and welcome to my INTRO POST!

(despite having tumbr for years, i still suck at post formatting so please bear with me dkdhj)

I'm a person of many names, but for the sake of brevity I'll give you three

feel free to call me Yeehaw, Void or Isaac, whichever you prefer

I go mainly by they/them

English isn't my first language so please be patient with the occasional grammatical mistakes jdldjdldjdkdh

This is my main, chaotic blog where I'll reblog and try to post whump along with lots of stuff about my ocs and some other things.

For a bit about me: I am a writer, an artist, and a long time fan of whump. Ever since i was a wee child i found great joy in brewing up dark scenarios in my little mind to hurt the fictional people i made. And so i continued and now, here we are.

ONTO THE CREATIVE INFO!

(and buckle your seatbelts, this will be a long ride)

My favorite tropes:

i adore anything to do with dehumanization, which is why pet whump is one of my favorites! Nonhuman characters are very much my bread and butter, be them whumpers, caretakers or whumpees. That brings us to vampires in specific. I love those. mwah perfect. i also love creepy and intimate whumpers ohooo yes.

i like to see my whumpees break. i like my whumpees terrified. i like watching the last shreds of hope be ripped away from them and see how they scream and cry because what did they do to deserve this? BUUT i also like a hardy defiant whumpee who instead of breaking, snaps. and oh the desire for revenge... delightful. i like many things dkhdkdjd

gore, torture, kidnapping, lab and medical whump, restraints, heavy conditioning, the "damned if you do damned if you don't" trope, illness whump, all of those are absolute FAVORITES of mine

when it comes to comfort, i like seeing the recovery process, eg: a heavily conditioned and traumatized whumpee slowly learning that life isn't all pain. oh yesssss. i enjoy comfort and specks of hope being granted just before overwhelming torture strikes. it's about the contrast

when it comes to squicks, i don't really have a need to list them. i simply Dont Look at what makes me too uncomfortable once i find it so as long as a work has its themes properly tagged, it's all fine and dandy :D

I have a fuckton of ocs. might just make a big ole post cataloging all of them and let people send in asks requesting an oc and a prompt, who knows!

I have many ideas but it's hard to organize them so expect random disorganized idea dumps every now and them (voidrambles? maybe)

I'll also post lots of art, mostly oc drawings and some whumpy ideas!

AND FEEL FREE TO SEND ME ASKS!!! i love interacting and i promise i dont bite im just shy

MAIN STORY:

My main wip still doesn't have a proper name so I've been calling it the "wolf and rabbit story". It's mostly a recovery story that takes place in a world where hybrids, humans with animal characteristics, are mistreated and oppressed by most governments at large, and as such often end up becoming pets (i still gotta organize this worldbuilding *sobs*). The story follows Aleksei, a wolf hybrid who escaped the system and is now a citizen, and Vincent, a pet rabbit hybrid who ran away from his old master and is now living as a stray. Well, was living as a stray, untill Aleksei found him bleeding on the streets and made the impulse decision to take the rabbit in. Features lots of caretaking and comfort and past trauma and that wip is my baby basically.

if you've read up until this point, thank you! now it's time to play tag

(if anyone tagged here wants me to remove the tag, please let me know)

here are the main blogs which inspired me to write whump and dive into this lovely community! they're all amazing and i recommend checking them out!

@just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi was the first whump blog i saw! Her Tool series just awoke something deep in my heart and i haven't stopped since

@whumpster-dumpster 's delightful prompts have carried me through many a writer's block!

@wumpzone was the blog which actually inspired me to start my wip! her stories are all worth checking out they're so good

@whumpsday 's kane and jim series is just UGH PERFECT it sparks so much joy all their blog sparks joy

and @whumpshaped is the one who gave me the last push i needed to finally post this! (thank you whumpshaped of the lake <3) its writing and drabbles are all perfect and amazing and i love it all (devil hot.... my beloved) go check it out!

and i think this is basically it, folks.

if there's anything i should change around for more clarity, please do tell

and thanks for listening to my whump intro!!

have a good earth rotation :D

[sillytaetime]

Hii it's me again :D

Can I be anonym 🐋 ??

This time no wedding...

SVT Reaction:

+ their best friend (y/n) ask them why no one wants to date them (their relationship is and stays platonic pls, because I feel there are sooo many romantic ones and sadly not many platonic svt reactions...)

You're doing great :D

Absolutely! Welcome 🐋 anon :)

I honestly agree about there not being too many platonic reactions, that goes for a lot of the groups I stan. I feel like people only want to see them romantically. I dont meet very many people who imagine having a member of a group as like, a childhood friend.

I'm just going to do the hip hop unit right now, ill post the other units as soon as I can, I am currently working on other things

I hope you like it, and that's for the request!

Vocal | hip hop | performance

♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤

S.coups:

"It's not that they don't want to date you, y/n. They're just intimidated by you..." He knows it hurts when a guy doesn't want to go on a date with you, so he tries to help you understand why. "Maybe you should ask them out instead of waiting for them to ask you."

Wonwoo:

You're a scary person. Lots of people are scared of you, especially when you're mad. Wonwoo just kinda says something like idk and shrugs his shoulders because he's kinda scared of you when you're mad and he doesn't want to make you mad.

Mingyu:

Listen, this is just a moment for you two to have another thing in common. People often think that he's weird and they don't go on dates with him. With you, people don't want to go on dates eith you because you have a boy bsf (mingyu). It's just another thing that you guys can both be like "idk." And then laugh your ass's off about it.

Vernon:

"You're just too awesome, they know they're out of you're league." Tries to make you feel better. That it. He just wants to see you smile because he knows no one wanting to date you is a straight pang to your ego so he tried to make you laugh.

♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤

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Svt masterlist

I hope you liked this, I tried my best since it is my first platonic reaction, but I enjoyed this since it wasn't romantic.

Other units coming out soon. I'm going to try my best to post this week, but I don't have the best wifi right now. I'll definitely be back to posting regularly next week, posting maybe just be weird for now

[doctorwhoisadhd]

Was scrolling through the Thomas England tag, happened across one of your posts, Sixpack’s original PGR was Flossing? I only joined post Discipline, I didn’t know their original PGR was even recovered, since pictures I’ve seen from before the Waveback don’t show one. Neat!

yeah i know right?? i was around when the waveback event happened (the first thing i really said in maincord was probably an hour or two before thomas england got incinerated) but i honestly dont even know if i looked at sixpack's actual player page at the time. it's at least somewhat likely, since i participated in the initial loring, but i honestly do not know!

honestly the only reason i even KNOW that about original sixpack is because not too long ago i was actually looking to see if i could find it anywhere, since i remembered the player page of the pre-waveback sixpack, who was an actual replacement player, was never truly rebuilt when the devs changed the name on thomas england's player page. i believe i found it on before.sibr.dev — and by the way, because of the server rollback, there's several days you can't get to by typing in the numbers for season and day (season 4 days 81-87. unless you know, my wifi's acting up again, which is... a possibility 😔😔😔). you can only get to them by a) using the arrows, b) going to before those days and letting time pass (though before's data isn't granular enough, so things like incinerations and feedbacks take a few minutes to register in team pages and such), or c) using the link to thomas england's incineration in before's chapter selection page.

(similar curiosities: the blaseballplayers.netlify fk viewer has two sixpack dogwalkers on it, so you can still view the original's apple stats. hloroscopes also has two different sixpack dogwalkers listed if you search, and the link icon next to them lead to different player pages (one of which i can verify would lead to the original sixpack's page, if it existed, which it does not), but clicking on either one leads to the current sixpack (the one who started off as thomas england, as hloroscopes will show you). similarly, blaseball-reference has two sixpacks leading to the same stats page, which is of course also thomas england's stats page (for about the first season and a half, anyway). also, reblase doesn't have days 81-87 of season 4 either.)

FOR THE RECORD: pre-waveback sixpack's player page ID: bc4187fa-459a-4c06-bbf2-4e0e013d27ce

huh, also: in the process of lookin around for the original sixpack on before, i have discovered something a little weird: her player page changed from my saved screenshot? here's my screenshot:

[ID: player page for the original pre-waveback Sixpack Dogwalker (the one erased by the rollback). her team is listed as Hawaii [sic] Fridays, her Current Vibe is Far Less Than Ideal, & she has 3 Batting stars, 0.5 Pitching, 1.5 Baserunning, & 1.5 Defense. she has neither an item nor armor (the retired item system). her Evolution is Base, Pregame Ritual is Flossing, Coffee Style is Cream & Sugar, Blood Type is Psychic, & Fate is 9. her soulscream is 5 lines long. /end ID]

but if you try to actually GO to THIS sixpack's player page on before, on day 86 or 87 of season 4, the page you get taken to looks... kinda different? she's Null Team instead of fridays, her current vibe is neutral, her coffee style is black, her blood type is A instead of psychic, and she doesn't even HAVE a pregame ritual listed. even her soulscream's different. same number of characters, but not the same characters. which is... huh. WEIRD. i'm gonna go ask in sibrcord, cause this is really odd — i wonder if they found some new data or something? ill update on it once i get an answer... in the meantime, now i have this version of og sixpack's player page saved here as well i guess!

[peachpitmp3]

hey i mean you want to talk about how long it took for me to answer this? because the answer is. too long. for absolutely no reason i'm so sorry

!!!! you should that would be so iconic of you tbh. if you do decide to Embark on an Artistic Journey, please send/post update pictures i love art dude. so much.

FHSKDLFJKSLDJF YOUR LIFE OR THEIRS. amazing joke i remember this !!! from the time i read half of this and promptly got distracted,, i'm sorry. looking at this, it's not even that long?? of a thing to answer??

YEAHHH people always say that audiobooks are great if you have trouble focusing on paper books or are busy and stuff and i Do Not Understand

!!!!! yes. this. that sounds wonderful and heck yeah! ideal house will trap you there forever but dw because it's voluntary and so nice <3

SUDOFIJSDKX AMAZING. bro i wish you were in my closet (in the least weird way possible i just. want to meet you irl) but !!! that's very swag. thievery <3 /hj but nonetheless that sounds like a very cool shirt.

mhmm i get you. i think the sheer amount of People being People would be too much, although it would be super cool to see a live concert performance thing,, yeehaw anywhoodles. !!! YEAH YEAH YEAH you've gotten me hooked on august is a fever lmao. a friend told me about motion sickness a little while ago and !! yes. very much agree.

ooh hm. i'd say operate by vesperteen and trying not to cry by cavetown (but. only the version on youtube. the spotify one's more electo-funky which is cool! but not exactly my vibe and it doesn't hit Nearly As Hard yknow)

!!! the little fuzzy gray willow bulb things. idk what they're called but they're so sOFT and wonderful. miss the most? probably being in person and at school with all my old friends. and i miss being good at school, which sounds all kinds of stuck-up but i think this might be my gifted child burnout year and Yikes. i miss,, i miss not worrying so much about gender. that's a lot of things but y eah.

i'm afraid that i'll drop my phone through the gap between the elevator car and the floor landing, because it'll just what. drop to the basement?? never be seen again?? and it looks like it could fit my phone but i can't be sure and i certainly don't want to test that theory shdfjskdl. something deep uhhh. i'm afraid that i'm lost in the sense of "everyone else knows what they want and i don't", or i'm afraid that i'm so wrapped up in myself and my thoughts that i just become. really goddamn stupid. idk dude i'm afraid of a lot of things usedhfjk

something mundane and something deep you're afraid of? what's something small that gets you excited? least favorite thing to receive as a gift? what color palette do you use on tumblr dot com? - 🌵

no literally and now i'VE taken forever to answer so i think. i think we're even. shfsdjfsdfkjsldfjslf

ahhh ok ok i have been doing random doodles in my notebooks and stuff so i will maybe spam u sometime!!

SDFJSLDFJSLFJ i wish u were in my closet too <333

oooh i will queue both of those songs rn and they will play while i answer the rest of this!! ill let u know what i think :D

okay update my wifi is out so i cant listen to them but I WILL LATER!!!

no no i also miss being good in school. switching from gifted kid to gifted kid burnt out stuff is literally the worst feeling im so sorry </33 also yeah gender... yeah

okay actually that is such a mood tho because i also have no idea what i want to do with anything and it feels like everyone around me is starting to figure it out and i just don't know

something mundane is probably just. bees. i am so fucking scared of bees every kind of bee even the ones ppl say are harmless. i legitimately get panic attacks sometimes and i just. can't do it. and ppl get ?? mad at me for this ??? theyre like oh but bees dont even wanna hurt u :( like okay im not trying to make them extinct im just saying i can't be around them without hyperventilating. thanks.

something deep.... definitely that my perception of myself is just 100% incorrect. i'm terrified that i've just completely misjudged myself and i'm nowhere near as self aware as i think, and that i'm nothing like how i've interpreted myself to be.

something small that gets me excited is for sure just going on my phone after a few hours of not being on it and seeing messages from friends. like. good morning messages or things sent while i was in class. things like that make me feel so <3333 like oh !! people think of me people like me that is so <3

least favorite thing to receive as a gift is for sure expensive things. i havent really received any but i just don't want to ?? like i would lose them really easily and for me theyre just objects so i wouldnt feel extra grateful?? idk. that doesn't make sense. but like for example someone gave me a super fancy pen for my birthday and like. okay thanks but it's just a pen?? i like normal cheap pens better sghsjdfsjf

dark mode dark mode dark mode !! might switch it to a halloween one tho for spooky season <3 probably not tho

what color palette are you on? whats your least favorite thing to receive as a gift? do you make wishlists for things? do you like floral patterns? what's something that made you angry today/recently? what's something that made you really happy?

[thoriffix]

pls. pls tell more about the au.

more highschool shenanigans comin up

their age order is the same as in canon post-s2 (with the exception of ben): five the oldest, then klaus, allison, ben, luther, diego and vanya

a lot of canon events have a parallel in the au

the veteran bar fight is diego and klaus sneaking into a house party and starting a fight

ben "dying" is actually just him going to the hospital cuz he has appendicitis

klaus is the one who makes it into a rumour that hes dead

allison has a gossip blog where she spills tea mostly on her siblings when they annoy her

her and diego get in a fight and she reveals he still sleeps with a teddy bear and he holds a grudge for months

they have a chore chart but lots of negotiations go on for trading chores

its an unspoken rule that if you fuck with one hargreeves you have to deal with all six of their siblings and probably their terrifyingly sweet mother too

diego had a skateboarding phase to impress lila who rollerskates

literally all of them use fives room as a hangout spot he is in despair

at any given moment at least one hargreeves is being kicked out of their room so that one of their siblings can make out with their partner (its usually ben being evicted from his and klauses room)

grace made pride cupcakes anytime one of her kids came out and she insists that their partners are always welcome

cuz like sissy and dave dont have the most accepting families so grace fusses over them enough that shes essentially got two more kids

klaus dyes his hair hot pink at multiple points

the "his name was dave" scene is just klaus walking into diegos room and flopping down on his bed (taking up 90% of it) and whining about how much he likes dave

diego does not want to help but klaus insists because "diego you and allison are the only other people in this house who like guys you Have to help me :((" and diegos like You Think I Can Flirt With Guys

(cuz we have a hc that diegos bi but has no fucking clue how to hit on men)

diegos advice boils down to just dont ask him to get high with you after school and klaus nods solemnly and then asks dave to get high with him after school

their wifi is truly awful its a nightmare

the hargreeves are pack animals if you see one of them theres usually at least two more close behind

diego fully gets obsessed with the jfk assassination after they study it in history. he creates powerpoints. he consumes far too much caffeine. he accuses five of killing the president

five is sat there like I Am Seventeen

allison vanya and five play catch with the familys shared brain cell none of the others know they have one

the commission is a fancy private school five got a scholarship to but transferred away from after not very long cuz he missed his family

hazel and chacha teach there and hazel falls for agnes the sweet lunch lady at the hargreeves school who gives them free donuts

the handler is a karen

she gets lila to hang out with the hargreeves in the hopes of getting graces brownie recipe cuz shes sick of grace showing her up at pta meetings

lila does get the brownie recipe but only cuz she gets diego to make weed brownies with her (she does not give it to her mum)

this is getting long so ill leave it there for now but im pretty sure theres more. for another post perhaps

[autisticangus]

anyway im so out of the loop on the mcelboys

i pretty much only keep semi-up to date with Sawbones at this point, not cuz i dont still LIKE everything else, just a lot has been goin on in my life

if anyone wants a long and rambly update on All Of The Bullshit im gonna stick a read more down here, asks are open and its cool to message me abt any of it if u want cuz i have some really nice and cool followers/mutuals here that make me comfy talkin abt that shit

as far as the future of this blog goes i wanna start using it more again! the mcelroys have gotten me out of some really dark places before so i hope having more connection to this community and the people here and their content again will help me like it has in the past! ill probs post more general mcelroy content here than previously rather than just taz btw i just gotta fuckin uhhhhh,,,, catch up on a bunch of shit again before this blog is even semi active lmaoo but im like alive and on tumblr regularly again!!

Wow u clicked on this and wanna hear me talk? Ur awesome and sweet, thanks for caring!

These past two years have been extraordinarily tough. This is gonna be a pretty long and detailed post that deals with the sensitive topics of emotional abuse, abusive relationships, and alcoholism. Please read on with caution.

Back in March of 2019, so this was about 3-4 months after i left tumblr, I got a new boyfriend and things started out really good, he was kind of a "bad boy" and it was fun at first. Im kind of a goody-goody so it was very interesting for me at first to be with someone so different who had such different life experiences than me. I liked hearing his stories of living in a traphouse, and running with gangs, and selling drugs, and knowing people who had killed people. I assumed a LOT of it was lies, obviously, who just brags about that shit u know? I just rolled with it, didnt take it seriously, and found the imagined scenarios interesting to listen to. So much of it was obviously played up to make him seem cooler, and I shouldve seen that as the red flag it was, and all my friends did but I didnt. 

He had a serious alcohol problem, I mean I had coffee in the morning and he had 2 four lokos before noon. it was bad. about 6 months into the relationship he decided i was cheating on him with my ex who i had recently reconnected with, we missed being friends and things were really going well talking and being friends again, he was really important to me! but my boyfriend saw this as yet another thing i was doing wrong. when he decided i was cheating, that become his focus of alcoholic rage. nearly every time he got drunk, which was several times a week, he would accuse me of things, he would yell and scream, he would call me horrible names and make me cry for literal hours, he never hit me but that shouldnt even matter, i was emotionally battered and mentally bruised and everything hurt. he gaslit me into believing i said and did things i never said or did, i admitted to things that were not real, and then i was yelled at for admitting them. i didnt know what to do.

he was threatening my ex too, he would get drunk and say he knew where he lived (he didnt) or he knew what car he drove (he didnt) and explained to me many times that although he had never killed someone, people had been killed before at his command. he said a bullet in the back of my ex’s brain was just a phone call and $500 away. somedays he would tell me he was just going to do it himself, with a hammer, or a kitchen knife, or whatever weapon he could get his hands on during his explanation of how he would do it. my only option was to agree, to say it didnt matter to me what happened to him, i had to pretend my on

/ly concern was him going to jail for the crime, if i showed any sign that i didn’t want my ex murdered, it clearly meant i was cheating on him. 

i pretended to block my ex on social media to get him off my back and it worked a little bit but he still brought it up. and even if he didnt directly mention him, he would always tell me when he was drunk that i was the cause of all his problems, i was why he was so self conscious, i was why he drank so much, i was why he had to work so hard, i was why every single issue he had was happening. logically i knew it was wrong, but i was so conditioned to it by then that i just went with it. i knew that agreeing and apologizing made the fighting end quicker.

things spiraled this past summer. his job needed us to relocate so we moved like 4 states away, away from all my family and friends, and lived in a tiny hotel room for a month. during this time, his drinking was somehow worse. he was drunk literally every night but he was passing out so we didnt fight and i was relieved. i was depressed being stuck in the hotel room all day alone, but thankful i wasnt being abused at least. then he started getting into drunken fistfights with his coworkers in the hotel parking lot. one day he came home just in time to find one of his drunk coworkers trying to break into the room with me there desperately trying to keep him out. i was terrified and wanted to go home but he convinced me to stay. a couple weeks after that we travelled for his work again several more states away. his drinking got a little bit better here, but i was so depressed and lonely, i was so isolated, he was all i saw day in and day out besides his coworkers and i was nervous around them. one day the guy who tried to break in on me, purposefully, while drunk, hit another coworkers car and totaled it and tried to run the guy over and i saw the whole thing. a week later my boyfriend was also fired because he got so drunk he passed out in the hotel parking lot and the company needed to save face with the hotel after the whole car incident. 

so we travelled back home, but not my home, to his where we lived isolated on a mountain with no phone signal or wifi. the house was old and not well kept from being empty for several years, half the appliances didnt work. i was more isolated than i have ever been in my life. for 4 months i stayed there and just dreaded him coming home because i knew he would be drunk again and he'd yell or accuse me of things or otherwise belittle me. it was horrible. my friends all said to leave and my parents said to leave but i was so brainwashed into thinking that if i was just a good little housewife and if i just stayed home and did the dishes and the laundry that he would be nicer but he still found things to point at and say i was cheating. he was also becoming really controlling about my food intake and weight and i already struggle with an eating disorder so that just made me feel even more like i had to stay, my brain felt like if i wasnt under his watchful eye id gain weight again, like somehow it was thanks to him i had lost weight and not my own choices.

one day last week i expressed to him wanting to leave, saying how unhappy i was, i told him how sad i felt and how i didnt think we were such a good match. he didnt take me seriously, so the next day when he got sloppy drunk before 5 pm i packed a small bag and went to my moms. i was just gonna stay for a night or two but he called and screamed at me for leaving without telling him, i told him he just didnt remember me telling him because he was so drunk, and he accused me of not caring about his feelings and made me sound like the bad guy for leaving without his permission. i told him it was just for a few days but the angrier he got the more i knew i was in the right and told him i was done. i told him we were breaking up and id come get my stuff soon.

i got my stuff while he was at work this past weekend and moved in with my best friend. im safe and happy now. things are looking so much better for me and im so thankful to my friends and family who supported me all the way to the end.

i just wanted to make this post because, i know its not mcelroy related, and a lot of ppl probably dont care for stuff like this on this kind of blog, but i think its important.

its important to friends and family of people in abusive relationships to be steady. dont give up your ground. even if the person keeps pushing back and wont leave the person, keep being there for them, it can take a long time, it took me almost 2 years to leave, it takes some people even longer, but just stay there for them and be there for them when they finally make that step. dont give up on them.

and to those who have been in these kinds of relationships, and especially those who are there right now: it is not your fault. it is so, so hard to leave, i know, but please try to find help and support and resources to do it. if all your friends dont like someone, theres a good reason for it. please dont fall into the trap of thinking your friends dont have the best intentions for you. there are so many things you may overlook in the moment that others can see from a mile away are horrible. especially if you have been abused in the past. its incredibly hard to tell what is a red flag when your gut instinct is that anything and everything is a red flag. surround yourself with people who you can trust and listen to them

and trust me, i know how hard it is when youre stuck in that spot of KNOWING you should go but fearing that first step away. its scary. its difficult. but it is worth it. find someone safe you can be with. and if you arent sure, find a reason to leave for just a few days, an excuse, anything. give yourself space from the abuser, tell yourself youre going back in a couple days, just get out from under the thumb long enough to clear your head and things will make more sense with the fog lifted.

when i first got in my car and put my kitten on my lap and told her we were going to my moms for a couple nights, i didnt know if that was the truth. i planned to come back and i knew i didnt want to. i only took enough stuff for a couple days. i couldnt imagine my life changing so drastically. where would i live? how would i make money? who take care of me? i had no clue about any of those things. but after a couple days away I realized i would take care of me. i remembered that i had worked jobs before i was with him, i could do it again. i remembered that i had options of where to live. all of those things were so clouded when i was with him, they felt like impossibilities. once i was away, even just for a short time, things were so much easier to parse.

and i know i had many privileges in this journey not everyone is afforded, and my heart goes out to those who read this and are in this situation and the options i had just arent accessible to you, i am so sorry, i wish i had something more to offer you but all i have is my story, and a wish that it gives you some hope at the very least, and a promise that if you need someone to talk to, im here, i will listen, and you will be heard and loved.

i just want everyone who reads to take something small but important away from it. love your friends, love yourself. please stay safe. please dont give up. remember love should not hurt.

[pbandjesse]

I am so excited to go camping this weekend. I am almost done at the packing. I just have those like last minute things. And Im going to wash my hair tonight. And I want to clean the bathroom and make sure the apartment feels clean before we head out of here at noon tomorrow. 

Today was a pretty nice day. I was so tired last night. James got home around 10 and we talked for alittle. He was feeling kind of low still. But once he was in bed I was basically out like a light. Which made it a lot easier to wake up this morning. It was cold, which made it hard to leave the bed, but at least I didnt feel exhausted. 

James drove me to work so he could have the car for errands and things. He did the laundry and some camp prep stuff. We would go get groceries later on when I was done work. 

And work was good. The kids were excited I had the other skateboard with me. We rode around outside for a bit. Today's schedule felt a little weird. Didnt have as much time outside. But it was still a nice time. I finished the two commision frogs. And did a lot of reading. I didnt realize yesterday was the 42nd anniversary of the tragedy. I still have a lot of book to go. I am going to bring it with me this weekend though so well see, maybe Ill finish it. Enjoying it a lot though. 

I did have to like. Put my foot down and delegate tasks. At once point asking Dasia to take the kids outside. But we misunderstood a schedule and so one of hte kids missed a class. I dont have a good handle on his schedule though so Im going to have to check on that next week. But its fine for now.  

I also made the younger kids read for a bit today. They werent happy about it but I think a lot of that is because we dont have great book options right now. Someone from the library is coming tomorrow while Im not there to I think get the kids some books or at least online access. Well see. But they did read after a lot of back and forth. I also had them read a little to me so I could see where theyre at. Mixed results. But they are trying and thats all I want. Me reading while Im there is good modeling of behavior too. 

The kids also did a bit of sewing and art making. Not a ton but some. We had a lot of computer issues, the wifi was a mess today, but we powered through and did out best with what we had. 

Elizabeth also came today to drop off supplies and staff shirts. I am still not thrilled about a polo but whatever. Ill probably mostly have it on under a sweater. I think next week Im going to try to redo my wardrobe again and made some grab and go outfits. That will be fun. 

I did have a good day at work. I let the guys know I would be gone til tuesday, becuase that wasnt forwarded to them for whatever reason. Made a plan about that. Had some funny chats with them and the heating guy (it was really cold in there today!)  Did a lot of helping the kids with their work and computers. Cleaning the tables. And at the end of it I played a modified version of BlackJack with the kids. It helps them learn to quick count and it was fun. We also played War and it was a good time. And then it was time to go home!  

James was outside and we drove to the grocery store to get camping foods. I was a little annoyed because every time I asked something I would get an apathetic IDK. But we got almost everything we had been thinking and talking about and headed home. 

Its been a pretty okay night. Finishing packing. Shipped out some packages. Made a mistake again, felt very stupid. I had to request refunds on so many packing slips and I feel so stupid every time. We hung around and  just enjoyed eachother's company. I had a grilled cheese for dinner. It was a nice night. 

And now I am going to go take my nail polish off and wash my hair and get some good sleep. I hope you all do as well. 

I dont know what the service will be like. So if I dont get a post up I am sorry. But I will write them and get them up ASAP! 

Goodnight everyone. I hope you are all doing okay!!

[maya-net]

Documentation on a Silver Exorcist, a Small Medium, a Smiling Siren, et al. - Chapter 1

Chapter 1 - Stars Align: Emma Xing Qixin, Tech Support and Professional Administrator of the Unofficial Zheng Ge’s Fanclub

The rustling of the seven large plastic packages of heavily discounted ramen complements the unforgivably nasty squeak of the styrofoam that protects the equally heavily discounted century eggs that Emma had spent the last of her weekly budget on. Squashed together in a trusty, faded blue shopping bag, they are placed very carefully on the chair. Her backpack is dropped just slightly less carefully onto another chair, and she rolls her shoulders, breathing in the various blends of caffeine and sugar wafting around the SunDollarsTM store that she had desperately scouted for.  

Xiqiang glides into the chair opposite, and with an elegant slide of an arm, slips Emma’s other equally faded blue shopping bag on to the seat beside her. Emma doesn’t understand how a human being can be that graceful, and sends a silent apology to her mom for being a failure of a daughter.

“I will order some refreshments,” Xiqiang’s voice washes over the background noise of the other patrons in the café. “What would you like? It will be my treat.”

“Oh no no no, no need! I have -” Emma grunts as she bends over her backpack and pulls down the zipper ornamented with the keychain of a blond cyborg, “a gazillion SundollarsTM gift cards! My college orientation and faculty events have the occasional lucky draws or mini contests, and I’d always get something out of them. It’s great, really. I regift them to my friends for birthdays. Saves me time and money from having to buy actual birthday presents. I keep my money, they get their coffee. But. Um. You didn’t hear that.” With some difficulty, she wrestles out a bright red gift card from the stack that is threatening to burst out of the seams of the pouch sewn into her backpack. “Ah, I’ll save this table. Could you help me order a large caramel frappe? And maybe one of their giant cookies. Any flavour is fine. Please and thank you!”

A pause. “Very well,” Xiqiang graciously replies as she accepts the gift card.

Seven minutes later, Emma is happily slurping down her frappe as a countdown timer to the livestream event pops up on her laptop screen. 47 minutes to go. Her ears are now plugged with a pair of earphones. Opposite her, Xiqiang is steadily typing away on her laptop with unnaturally impeccable posture.

It is at this very moment. That the universe decides to be an utter demon and opens the gates of chaos on what was supposed to have been a peaceful night with Emma Xing and the livestream of her Zheng ge, actor-singer and golden-hearted, multi-talented John Zheng.

Incoming Video Call: Estelle Xing

Emma accepts the call on her phone, and props it up on the table with the camera angled at her. She connects her second pair of earphones (won from a secondary school Poetry-in-Motion Competition with her epic poem Blood is a Vein Work of Art-eries) and stuffs the side with the microphone into her right ear. “Mom.”

“Emma. The house has no WiFi. My phone has not enough data to stream Gege’s event.”

“What. Why? Is it the router again? Did you turn it off for thirty seconds and turn it back on again?”

"Yes. Actually, I called Cellularity and they said that they were having a city-wide network issue.”

“Tch. D*mn company. I keep telling you to switch service providers!” Emma pinches the bridge of her nose. “Wait, where’s Gramma? We all know she's the tech-savvy one, shame on you.”

“... She’s with her tai chi group today.”

“What?! I thought that was next week! And how could she miss Gege’s stream?!”

“... They rescheduled because one of their grandsons is getting married next week...”

“... Just... Go to a café or somewhere with WiFi and stream it there. Do you have leftover SundollarsTM gift cards from my last visit?”

Emma’s mom grimaces. “Yes. See, I actually thought of that. I’m at the nearest one.” The camera angle wobbles, and the queue of chattering teenagers at the cashier behind Emma’s mom blips into view for a hot second.  

Emma feels a strange sense of pride well up in her chest. “Mommy! So smart!”

Mommy laughs weakly. “Haha. Ah. Yah. I bought a strawberry shake. And then they told me that SunDollarsTM’s WiFi is actually with Cellularity. All the branches. In the whole city.”

… “Mom. Why is your luck so bad. Also. Why! Are! You! Drinking a strawberry shake! You are diabetic!”

“Almost diabetic! And this is low sugar! And! All my good luck was used up to give birth to you. Emmiee~”

“Don’t Emmie me! Aiyah, hang up hang up, don’t waste your data. I’ll message Danny. He’s with DiGiTellTM, not that bloodsucking Cellularity. You can go leech off his Wifi.”

“Aiyoh, your Danny, how can you do this to him - “

“ByeMomloveyou.” Emma ends the call, and snatches her phone off the table to begin typing at the lightspeed typical of her generation. The baby blue smiley starfish phone charm attached to it smacks her knuckles.

“Um. Pardon me,” Xiqiang coughs politely. Emma’s eyes dart up. “Your earphones weren’t connected properly.”

Oh.  

“Oh. Aaaaaaahahahahahahaha! Ha! Sorry about that! I’ll just...” Emma mumbles and screws in the earphone jack infinitesimally. “... tighten... this. I don’t use this pair very much. I forgot it does that. Sorry.”  

“It is fine.” Xiqiang blinks at her curiously. “Your mother is in WalaysiaTM?”

Emma’s fingers pause in their assault on her phone’s keyboard, brown eyes wide. “How did you know? Oh. Oh of course.” She slaps her forehead. “Our SundollarsTM WiFi here is obviously fine. We obviously don’t have Cellularity here in CanataTM. And yeah, I kind of revert to my accent when I’m with my family. You can tell?”

Xiqiang nods politely. “I see. Well, I do hope that this works out for you and your mother. You seem to be... close?”

Emma beams. “Thanks!” She returns to her phone.

LuckyStar: Danny.

LuckyStar: Danny.

LuckyStar: Danny.

No reply. She frowns.

LuckyStar: Danny DanyDanny. Dannyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

Seen by BetterDanU 7.08PM

Emma’s nostrils flare.

LuckyStar: DANNY YOU DIPSTICK WAKE UP WAKEUP I KNOW UR AWAKE EMERGENCY

LuckyStar: DANIEL NG! U WAKE UP OR ILL POST THAT NEW YEARS VIDEO OF U. U KNOW WHICH ONE

BetterDanU: …

BetterDanU: I actually WAS SLEeping because some ppl actually have to WORK friday nite and want to zzz sat morning. 

BetterDanU: Have u not headr of timezones. WHAT DO U WANT  

LuckyStar: Liar, i know ur schedule, u were def not sleeping.

LuckyStar: Gege’s livestream is today!

BetterDanU: … I know. U wouldnt shut up abt it. wat do u want

LuckyStar: Cellularity’s wifi is down all city and mom cant stream it  

BetterDanU: tell her to go to sundollars

LuckyStar: sundollars is w cellularity! 😡

BetterDanU: … bloodsuckers.

LuckyStar: I KNOW. Anyway, mom is at the sundollars near our house. U know which one. Go pick her up n let her use ur wifi pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaz  

BetterDanU: …......… fine.  

LuckyStar: tnx ur the best!

BetterDanU: go away

With that situation handled, Emma neatly bites off one point of her star-shaped cookie, and turns her eyes back to her laptop screen. 36 minutes to go.  

Score: Emma – 1; Universe – 0.

The Universe decides to try again.

Incoming Video Call: Emily Xing

Emma slowly swipes across her phone screen after triple-checking that her earphones are 100% plugged in.  

“... Hi Gramma.”

“Emma!” Several ladies’ heads of various artificial shades of red, brown and black bob into view behind Emma’s grandmother’s face on Emma’s phone. “Why can’t we log in to your VooDooTM account on Mimi’s computer?”  

“... Gramma, did you all reschedule your tai chi group to watch Gege’s stream together using my VIP account which you definitely bragged about to them?”

“Emily, we kowtow! Your Emma is the best!” hollers one of the ladies. Emma’s grandmother preens.

Gramma, Emma despairs, why are you so Asian?

“Emmie~”

Emma closes her eyes and mutters, “Don’t Emmie me...”

“We have VooDooTM open on my laptop, but there is seven of us and one laptop is not enough! Mimi’s computer cannot access the page! It says – it says – what does it say?!” Emma’s grandmother yells.  

“This content is not available in your country!” Aunty Mimi yells back from somewhere behind.

Emma sighs in exasperation, “Gramma, they’ll need to install a VPN. Do you remember how we did it on your computer?”

Emma’s grandmother is stunningly silent for a solid three seconds, and shakes her head. Emma sighs again. “What’s the address?”

One minute later:

LuckyStar: Danny danny danny

LuckyStar: is everytng ok w mom?

BetterDanU: yeah, shes taken over my living room and tv I hooked up to the comp.  

BetterDanU: Shes drinkin a poisonous lppking pink drink and eating those giant star cookies they hv. Theyre not going to last until the end of the dtream.

LuckyStar: … wait.

LuckyStar: wHAT COOKIES. Get them away frm her, shes almost diabetic!

BetterDanU: how can someone be slmost diabetic???

BetterDanU: … she says its low sugar. theyre actually rpetty good.

BetterDanU: *pretty  

LuckyStar: u traitor! and of all the typos to correct!

BetterDanU: ….......

LuckyStar: anyway, DANNY I NEED UR HELP ITS ANOTHER EMERGENCY

BetterDanU: what now

LuckyStar: dont tell mom this,  

BetterDanU: oh? gossip?

LuckyStar: but gramma is with her taichi grp now and theyre trying to stream Gege’s event on two computers but the second one wont work becz they need vpn on that one  

BetterDanU: Wow. brutal gramma.

LuckyStar: danny pleeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaase can u go help them install the vpn  

LuckyStar: pleeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaase 🥺🥺🥺

BetterDanU: ….............  

BetterDanU: where r they

Twenty-ish minutes and one VPN install and seven impressed old ladies and one harrassed Daniel Ng later, Emma daintily bites off the second point of her star cookie.  

Emma – 2; Universe – 0.

Xiqiang sips her tea quietly as Emma narrates this second victory to her, and then digresses into hero-worshipping multi-talented, golden-hearted John Zheng.  

Emma swoons. “We all stan him so much across multiple generations! Sure, he’s eye candy, but you know what, even I can admit that, objectively, he’s not the best looking. No but!” She sucks in some of her frappe to quickly rehydrate, “Even though his eyes are not 100% symmetrical, you know they’re 100% real! Can’t say the same about everyone else! Not that there’s anything wrong with that. And! Even though his teeth aren’t 100% perfect... You should see his smile! Oh! My! Heart!” She clutches said heart. “So genuine! Like a bunny! And most of all, that VOICE! That BRAIN! And that HEART!”

Xiqiang tilts her head slightly in what is definitely interest.

“You should watch his songs and dramas and his interviews! He’s really mature, has a charming sort of wisdom, and he really understands his characters. He works so, so hard, and he’s super nice to everyone, even his janitors! And even his haters! Like, what the heck!” A deep sigh. “He is. The Best Guy. In the Universe.”

And thus, the Universe’s third Attempt at utter buffoonery manifests itself in the yet another round of buzzing of Emma’s Very Tired phone. Emma slowly slumps in her seat. Xiqiang’s almond eyes flick to the poor phone, and she excuses herself as she returns to her own laptop for business-y exorcist stuff.

Emma breathes in. Very Deeply. And returns to her Very Tired phone.

Alicia: Hi Emma!

Alicia: Its been a while. I hope you are well!

Emma scrolls up to check the last conversation she had with Alicia. Eight months ago, when they had exchanged the obligatory birthday wishes, and then slinked back to their respective lives until the next birthday.

It’s a bit sad, actually. Emma and a handful of secondary school friends had once been pretty tight, having gone through the horrors of academia and adolescence together. But ever since graduation, everyone had sort of just... drifted apart. With the exception of Danny, practically everyone she knew and was close to had gone on to different cities and even countries to pursue tertiary education in fields so varied you would wonder how everyone had even managed to grow up together in the same academic cohort forced to take up certain courses due to the way their country’s totally not flawed educational system had been structured because of course everyone absolutely agrees on the complete relevance to real life that is inherent in subjects such as Physics and Geography and Moral Studies (which, in all fairness, would be considered a fairly necessary subject especially in today’s society, had it not been based on pure rote memorisation of the regimented definitions of pre-determined moral values instead of critically applying said moral values in the written scenarios thrown to them every exam) and flippin’ dipsticky CALCULUS and and and -  

And we digress.

Emma: Alicia! It’s been a while!  

Emma: How may I help u?  

Alicia: Heehee. 😇

Alicia: iirc, I think u mentioned that u got a VIP VooDooTM account?

Emma: … Alicia you leech! Go buy ur own account!  

Alicia: im poor and u know it!

Emma: We’re millennials! We're all poor!

Emma: go upgrade with a 30 day free trial. Then just unsubscribe after.

Alicia: I can’t. 😭 I did it before and ti remembers my email add and wont let me do it again.  

Alicia: *it  *won’t

Emma: Then use another email add! We’re millennials! Who doesn’t have a back up email account?  

Alicia: I did! I used up my JmailTM, insightTM, innet, etc etc accounts last year  

Emma: Use ur parents’!  

Alicia: I did! They were  

Alicia: Confused when they got the notifs but thank goodness they thought it was Junk 😊  

Emma: … Girl, how much drama do you watch on there.

Alicia: Too much. Im in too many fandoms.  

Alicia: EMMA PLEASE! It's just to watch John Zhengs promo livestream for The Fox today! I swear I will not misuse ur account!  

Alicia: One day when I have money, I swear I will buy my own account.  

Emma: That is a lie and we both know it.

Alicia: 🤐

Emma remembers their shared afternoons of literal tears after every Calculus test they barely passed, and curses her soft heart as she gives Alicia her user name and password in an act of benevolence which she somehow has a feeling she will come to regret.

Alicia: Thank you sm. U rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  

Emma: Its so u don’t get desperate enough to do anytng illegal.

Alicia: We both know im not that smart lol  

Emma: We are legal! And scrupulous!

Emma: For Zheng ge!

Alicia: For Zheng ge!  

“John Zheng seems to have an unusually loyal fanbase,” Xiqiang comments from behind her laptop. Emma nods absent-mindedly. She has barely bitten off the third point of her star cookie when her Very Very Tired phone begins buzzing again.  

Incoming Video Call: BetterDanU 

No longer keeping track of her score with the Universe, Emma sinks lower into her chair under Xiqiang’s intrigued gaze, and weakly answers her phone, “Hello?”

She does not expect her grandmother’s distraught face under the profile name of BetterDanU: “Emmie! Why can’t we log into your account with another computer? It says that – that – Danny ah, what does it say?”

Emma nearly spits out blood. “How many devices are you trying to log into?!” Her hard-earned, greatly coveted VIP account that no one else seemed to want to buy for themselves allowed simultaneous sign-ins to a maximum of ten different devices, a feature that was absolutely necessary for the three generations of the Xing family.  

“Mimi’s daughters and granddaughters came downstairs and heard about Zheng ge’s livestream. Two laptops are not enough for all of us, so of course we had to get more!”

Emma sends a silent thank you to Danny who by now must be an expert on VPN installations. Speaking of which. 

“Danny, you there? Just sign up for a free 30-day trial account. And don’t forget to unsubscribe later.”

“I did.” Danny’s muffled voice sounds admirably calm, but there is definitely the subtlest note of misery in it. “Aunty Mimi’s granddaughter invited her neighbourhood friends to watch the stream, and we are out of accounts.”

“How! Many! Computers?!”  

Emma thinks she hears a suspicious clearing of the throat from Xiqiang that may or may not have been a laugh. Emma locks eyes with her in despair.

There is a tiny, tiny curl of Xiqiang’s lips as she casually remarks, “I am done with my e-mails for the day, and would like to relax with some form of entertainment. VooDooTM seems to have quite the selection of highly rated dramas like you advertised so eagerly to me earlier, and I have been told that there will be a promotional livestream this evening for the much-anticipated... The Fox?” There is definitely a sparkle in those almond eyes. “I thought it might interest you to know that I have decided to watch this livestream, and will do so on my newly purchased VIP account, the user details of which -” she slides over a SundollarsTM napkin covered in the prettiest handwriting Emma has ever had the good fortune to lay her bloodshot eyes on, “ - are written here.”

Emma stares at her with now goo-goo eyes. “Xiqiang! You are a literal angel!”  

“Xi-what? Who are you with?” Danny’s head pops into view next to Gramma’s gleeful face.  

“Danny! I’m hanging up! I’ll send you a new user account info you guys can use!” 

“What -” his calm façade is definitely slipping.

Emma does not hear the curious titters of “Xiqiang? Wah! What an intimidating name!” “Who would dare to name their son Xiqiang?”  “Must be very strong!” “Must be very shuai!” as she chirps in reply, “A professional exorcist, your saviour, and my new bf!”

A delicate clink of a white plate ladened with fresh chocolate chip muffins jerks Emma’s eyes up from her phone. “Oh, a snack for the stream? Xiqiang, did you order this? You shouldn’t have!”

Xiqiang leans forward to divide the muffins evenly. “It is fine.”

Danny chokes on the other line, “What what what -”

“Now don’t bother me anymore, Zheng ge’s livestream is going to start. Check your message! I’ll send you the info! See you later! Bye, Gramma! Bye, Aunties! Enjoy the stream! Zheng ge fighting!”

LuckyStar: [photo attached]

LuckyStar: Isn’t that THE prettiest handwriting you have ever seen?

LuckyStar: Oh, but if you can’t read it, the login name is YXQ_Gege  

LuckyStar: and password is LuckyStar123

LuckyStar: wow. what a sense of humour.

LuckyStar: Anyway! U seriously rock! Thanks Danny! I owe u my life!

LuckyStar: Aunty mimi makes seriously good cakes, so u might as well stay.  

LuckyStar: And remember, don’t tell mom!!!

BetterDanU: WHO IS XIQIANG AND WHY IS HIS PASSWORD UR USERNAME

The star cookie is decimated as Emma congratulates herself on a job well done against the schemes of the Universe. Her laptop screen is flooded with comments when John Zheng’s shy smile fades into view as the livestream finally, finally begins.  

“Gege!” Emma whisper-squeals. “You can’t hear me and you don’t know I exist! But! You will not believe the night I’ve just had! Your face heals my eyes and your heart heals my soul!” She silences her desperately buzzing phone.

Xiqiang breathes in deeply, and lets herself smile for the first time in a very long time. After an unusual evening of using the Skytrain for the first time, encountering a low-levelled spirit which the Council had not thought to Cleanse, meeting the most interesting Class Three medium who was currently hugging her backpack as she immersed herself in a long-awaited livestream of a clearly beloved celebrity who she had taken great pains to introduce Xiqiang to, and putting the tiniest dent in her bank account to sign up for a VooDooTM account for various reasons, Xiqiang relaxes in her chair, and does not let herself think about tomorrow.

Character Profiles

1. Emma Xing Qixin

Emma is derived from the Germanic word ermen meaning "whole" or "universal". Emma is also used as a diminutive of Emmeline, Amelia or any other name beginning with "em".

  星 (Xīng): star

运气 (Yùnqì): luck

欣 (Xīn): happy

Height: 154 cm; 5.05 ft | 159 cm (error; there is a story behind this)

Tools: Several reuseable shopping bags, backpack, blond cyborg keychain, laptop, secondhand phone, baby blue smiley starfish charm bought by her mom Estelle and customised further by her grandmother Emily

2. Xiqiang

希望 (Xīwàng): hope

强度 (Qiángdù): strength

For the sake of this story, “Xiqiang” is considered a very masculine name.

Height: 179 cm; 5.87 ft

Tools: Laptop, traditional calligraphy brush set, angled-tip pen set, normal ballpoint pen set

3. Estelle Xing  

Estelle is a female given name of Latin origin, and means star.

星 (Xīng): star

Yes, her name literally means Star Star.

Emma Xing’s mother. Has rather bad luck. She admits that, although her daughter can drive her up the wall, she is her greatest blessing and happiness.

4. Daniel Ng

Daniel is a masculine given name and a surname of Hebrew origin. It means "God is my judge".

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia. Ng (pronounced [ŋ̍]; English approximation often /ɪŋ/ or /ɛŋ/) is a Cantonese transliteration of the Chinese surnames 吳/吴 (Mandarin Wú) and 伍 (Mandarin Wǔ). Alternately, it is a common Hokkien transcription of the name 黃/黄 (Pe̍h-ōe-jī: N̂ɡ, Mandarin Huáng).

Emma Xing’s errand boy. And former classmate. The real MVP.

5. Emily Xing

Emily: "rival" or industrious and hardworking, comes from the Latin name Aemilia.

星 (Xīng): star

Emma Xing’s grandmother. Is more techno-savvy than her daughter/Emma’s mother Estelle Xing. Story behind that TBA.

6. Alicia  

Alicia means “of noble kind/sort/type” (from Germanic “adal” = noble + “heit” = kind/sort/type).

Emma Xing’s friend from secondary school. They have both narrowly passed Calculus exams together, which cannot be said for all their classmates.

7. John Zheng

The name John is a theophoric name originating from the Hebrew name יוֹחָנָן‎ (Yôḥānān), or in its longer form יְהוֹחָנָן‎ (Yəhôḥānān), meaning "YHWH has been gracious".

战争 (Zhànzhēng): war

Author is now too lazy to come up with a Chinese name, thank you very much.

Author’s Notes

Character profiles will not be written for every single character because ain’t nobody got time for that. They will be updated as the story progresses. If I have the discipline to actually write this dang story. \o/

This is just a test run. I have not truly touched creative writing in a very, very long time, and have sadly lost many different characters and plot bunnies over the years as I never had the will to just put pen to paper, or finger to keyboard. And neither have I ever tried tackling anything this ambitious, if you can call this ambitious. (Well, actually, I did make a pathetic attempt at a novel ten or so years ago, and reading THAT draft just made me cringe and shrivel up and die on the inside. Which will probably happen to this fic in ten years’ time? \o/ )  

Oh my gosh, I’m so tired of formatting this now. Please excuse any typos because I just. Cannot. 

If you somehow stumbled across this fic and read until the end, bless your heart, bless your eyes, and thank you for reading!

[inkskinned]

literally just a dumb unorganized list of school tips

source: im a grad student. i’ve had a lot of school. also i’m adhd & mentally ill and require +8 organization. this is mostly directed @ college students, but maybe high school students can use it too, fuck, idk, it’s been forever since i was stuck in that hell hole

just say “professor” either ur using the correct title for a person (will make them feel good) or you’re giving them a bigger title on the assumption they deserve it (which will make them feel good) and also prevents having to ever i mean ever use their names

talk at least 1 time a week in each class, aim for 1 time a day. even lecture classes. i fucking hate talking in front of more than 5 people, so what i would do is prepare a question about the hw/etc (even if i didn’t need it answered) to ask the professor after class so they saw me and got used to me and saw i was invested in their class. about 89% of teachers - if they see you try, they will pass you. i mean it’s literally that easy. i know people who went from like a c- but because they legit tried, their grade got bumped up to a b-. 

if u have to bring a laptop, pre-download the required material/screenshot it, and then turn off your wifi. it’s too easy to not listen.

physical writing will always give you more information recall over typing.

nobody cares about stupid shit anymore trust me they don’t remember that you were accidentally locked in a towel out of your room bc they have their own dumb shit that happened.... in college all the “cringe culture” turns into “god i wish that were me” culture ... wear ur onesie to a party trust me you make +800 friends and 799 of them will be girls telling you you’re adorable and they’d die for you

about locking urself out.... if ur like me and can breeze past post-it notes placed in obvious areas, don’t be a dumb bitch and rely on post-it-notes. while most schools offer 1 free lockout, dont rely on it - it once took 2 hours before someone could get to me. i was in a towel, which meant no phone. so like. anyway, what i do now is i put something on the handle of the door i have to open/unlock. i can’t just open the door w/out the thing falling down and making a loud “you dumb bitch unlock the door before u shower” sound. 

this works for all important don’t-forget it things. other obstacles i’ve used to remind myself to do something include: putting a chair with my wholeass posterboard in front of the door, an entire printer with a single piece of paper that just read “for the love of god check to be sure you have that essay”, and a recycling bin i kept forgetting to empty. guess what bitch finally emptied the bin once it was between me and a swift exit!

no offense and like the whole “it’s the best years of your life!” thing is great but in reality everything goes better scholastically when you treat it as “i came here to win, not to make friends.” i still did make friends, went to parties every weekend, was popular enough i’d be invited to several on one night - but i came there to win. when i put my scholastic life and my mental health first, i went from a 2.0 to a 3.98. yes you can, bitch.

you’re spending the money. don’t squander it. trust me when i say i know plenty of people who breeze through, bc you often can. but like. don’t. challenge yourself bc like. talk about an investment.

if you hate your major, change it. don’t make your life something you can’t stand. on that note, do NOT agree 100% to a track until you have at least some experience in the field. i cannot tell u how many ppl i know who got their whole masters/phd program done, walked into their new profession, and were like, Oh Fuck, I Can’t Live Like This.

college literally offers so many free things and if you’re not taking advantage of them whenever possible i get it but like. try to take advantage of them. this is everything from your gym (which probably has free classes dude) to clubs to like. sober events. these sober events are so ... fuckin good dude i’ve made mason jars with little plants in em... bee aviaries... candles.... go to the free stuff

oh ps on free stuff i wanna say about 4 of 5 days there’s free food on campus just look for things like job fairs, presentations, or discussion groups. also while you’re there at the job fair like. u know, go to the job fair in earnest

i took off 2 years to work and also to just. recover from my bullshit. and it took me 6 years and 3 schools to get my bachelor’s. it wasn’t easy but bitch i lived. there’s no such thing as “too long” to graduate if that’s truly what you want to do.

if on the meal plan, eat as clean as you can the first week. then introduce each part of the cafeteria’s possibly-food-poisoning-creating foods one at a time. give @ least 2 days between each experiment so you know for sure if you get sick what caused it. i literally never eat meat at school but you can still get sick off of unwashed lettuce/salad dressing that hasn’t been refrigerated properly/weirdass things you won’t even think of. this prevents like. dying in a public bathroom.

white loaf bread can be gross & boring. discount bakery section for your slightly chewy artisianal bread needs. if overstale, either toast it or dunk it into water and microwave it (unless u got an oven. use the oven if u can)

steal as many apples from the dining hall/events/etc as physically possible just do it they keep FOREVER and @ some point you’ll be like. fUCK i need a nutrition. ps if you’re keeping them in ur backpack (i wouldn’t keep more than 2) make sure to wrap w/a few paper towels so if you drop your bag you don’t get apple mush

write it all down bitch. “i’ll remember it” no you won’t. unless you are capable of remembering every idea on this list and in order, you won’t remember it. in general, if you write something 3 times, you will recall it correctly at least 80% of the time. i also read it out loud to myself, bc, you know, auditory recall

DO NOT just put your assignment at the top of your notes, unless you’re 100% sure that will work for you. in most cases, it’s much better to have a planner/agenda/place you expect to look for assignments. +7 points if you lie to yourself about deadlines and move them all up.

like not to sound too much like a DARE ad but like. if you don’t like it/don’t want it, don’t fuckin do it. the idea that “there’s nothing to do if you don’t party” is such bullshit. like i promise if you’re like “i am a grouch and want to stay in and binge netflix” about 45 ppl will show up in pjs like “bitch fullscreen it, im a grouch too.” there’s also like. the chance to just.... not overindulge. on wednesdays i have “wine wednesdays” where we sit around and drink a glass of wine while we do our hw. it’s chill and friendly instead of like. drink until u vomit. don’t feel like you either gotta slam the breaks or the gas pedal, is what i mean.

PLEASE know the signs of alcohol poisoning/overdose. most schools have a “Safety Always Matters Most” policy, which means that you can call for help w/out getting into trouble. if you think someone is in danger, act. this also goes for making sure ppl get home safe even if they’re just incapacitated, not poisoned. step in, dudes.

also just. notice when ur starting to rely on stuff too much. i’m super easily addicted to things, so i keep a healthy distance from liquor. i don’t let myself “drink to feel better” bc that’s a scary, scary thing to link to feeling better. if you or somebody u know starts drinking all the time/gets anxious if they don’t drink/drinks in the daytime .... get help. schools have counselling services for a reason.

you’re gonna get a cold/flu of some sort in the first 2 months just brace for it. in the meantime, drink vitamin c, try not to touch too many handles, and when people say “there’s something going around” believe them.

watch kaplan nike just do it 

if you can teach it, you know the material. a super good way of knowing if you studied the right way is to try and teach the material to a stuffed animal/imaginary class.

“i don’t know how to study” bitch me too the fuck. this is usually bc we’ve been taught that studying is just sitting down and staring @ ur notes. it’s not. it’s different for everyone, and you need to understand it’s 99% preventative care. if you don’t go to the class or do the homework, studying is going to fucking suck, bc you’re learning the material all at once for the first time. the place you should consider “studying” is “i’m confident in 70-90% of the material, but need to review.” do not let yourself fall behind .... just go to office hours and ask questions if ur not getting something. studying should feel like you’re remembering what you already knew but kinda forgot, not like you’ve been blindsided.

the whole “writing it down in ur own words” while u have been told this 700 times it really helps bc it means u gotta translate it through your own understanding. if you can’t, and it’s not bc the material seems too obvious to you to state in another way - ask yourself if you don’t understand the material. chances are u are missing a bit of info.

i know it’s like A Thing that Some People do but i never had the mental health points for it but i know some people just take 15 minutes after every class to review their notes. since i’m 100% early to every class ever, obnoxiously so, i try to do it before class. having the last class’s notes up in my head super helps. like. put down the phone i know you’re socially anxious me too but review those notes. chances are if u start flipping through pages other ppl will too. this is also fun bc as soon as you start this whole thing, at least one person will be like “is there a test?” no bitch there’s no test but im gonna be ready when there is!

literally so much of success is fucking posturing i could link about 800 peer-edited studies that show that when a student is expected to do well (and knows they are), they do well. like i literally didn’t change my appearance at all, never bothered to look nice (once winter hits i wear 67 layers all the time), but when i showed up after my 2 years off from school, i presented myself with the whole “i came here to win” vibe and people... really respected me? i mean in hs i remember ppl saying shit like “yeah, well, you aren’t gonna have the homework”. by the time i was in college i had an honest-to-god conversation which included someone being like “so tell me what you’re overachieving at right now” like they just expected it from me. wild.

i live by “bite off more than you can chew, and then CHEW IT” but it’s probably unhealthy. the truth is that i have a lot of energy all the time (lmao adhd!!!) and i used to get told i was “trying too hard” and for a long time (still???) i didn’t (i don’t?) know what that was, you know, bc i had a D average, clearly i wasn’t trying. it turns out i was just. putting all my energy into stuff that wasn’t making me happy like toxic friendships etc. when i decided “nope, all this energy is for me and my schoolwork”..... uhhhhh suddenly i was a golden child and everyone praised my try-hardness ... it’s a fuckt up system tbh

take at least 1 class just for fun. i try to do that every semester. it helps break up all the requirements. if you’re like an engineer and got no time or credits left to spend, try to audit your fun course.

make ur advisor love you i don’t care what it takes make them cupcakes show up to thank them i dONT CARE just do it 

the library isn’t always the best place. if i start getting anxious bc i pavlovian train myself that library=work, i find a new place to go to do hw. try to go outside if you can!!! not like where i live bc like it’s snow all the time but try. a little green really really really helps depression. 

if you’ve been in the same “Studying” place for 1 hour and haven’t done anything the chances are Something Isn’t Right. first, look @ ur body. are you not focusing bc of some pressing physical need? sometimes just taking a shower and coming back helps. are you uncomfy? are you too comfy and going to sleep? if body okay, look @ the material. do you not understand it? do you just need to switch to a new topic for a little bit? can you find a youtube video that will help you better understand it? make notes on what you don’t get so you can ask in the next class. if it’s not the material, it’s not ur bod, check the Actual Space. sometimes just getting up, going for a short walk to a new place, and trying it there actually? really works? if none of this is working.... try ur brain next. hardest to reset bc like, what, turn it on and off again? i use things like caffeine, a short workout, a nap, or a podcast all to just... give me a little boost. 

don’t be afraid to leave. i mean this about class, friend groups, and the college ur at. just get up on outta there if ur not feelin it. i cannot recommend “drop the class” enough. even if it’s a required course see if u can switch the times if u hate the professor day 3 it’s not gonna get better just get the fuCK out

don’t nap in the same position u go to sleep in, nap upside down w/ur head away from ur pillow. don’t ask me why but it works to 1. fall asleep faster 2. make sure u sleep okay at night and 3. wake up less annoyed 

on that note don’t ever do anything in ur bed in a sleeping position unless it’s genuinely sleeping in it. body will get confused. just sit up, lazybones.

when/if the library has those therapy dogs during finals week.... just go pet them make the time for it

ask before hugging people, but don’t expect a “yes”

get a backpack that fits and doesn’t hurt ur back u fuckin hippie idc how cool it is to wear ur backpack super low just don’t do it it’s not worth it

the tutoring center is a fucking goldmine.... free essay edits my dudes

bring a fan dorms are always hotter than u expect

switch dorms if u can if u realize ur in the wrong room/wrong roomate like just don’t bother with nonsense

when in doubt, follow preschool rules. tell ppl when they did something cool, just ask when u need help, and be confident even in your mistakes, because at least u tried